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lestappenforever · 9 months

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Then I want to for obviously Lestappen: 🤤

49. “You're so beautiful." "You are, too, you know."

39.: "Don't leave me alone." "I won't."

xx 😘

Ask, and you shall receive, my lovely. 💕

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49. "You're so beautiful." "You are, too, you know.", and 39. "Don't leave me alone." "I won't."

Every time they're in Suzuka, Charles really fucking hopes it won't rain.

And every time it does rain, he has a heavy feeling in his chest. In his gut. Because a rainy day in Suzuka always brings back memories of Jules, and the crash that would eventually take Jules from him. From the world.

Although he knows the safety measures that have been impimented as a result of Jules' death have been effective — Romain Grosjean surviving his horrible crash in 2020 was living proof of that — Charles can never rid himself of the hint of anxiety that lingers in the pit of his stomach and in the back of his head whenever it rains in Suzuka.

It doesn't surprise him when it rains at the 2023 Japanese Grand Prix. But it does surprise him that he manages to finish P3 despite it all, just like he had done the year before.

And just like the year before, he's sharing the podium with Max, who of course added another P1 to his absolutely dominating season. The one thing that is different from 2022, though, is the fact that it's Lando standing on the P2 podium step, and not Checo.

It's one of the very few highlights to his otherwise shitty season, and Charles wants to revel in it. Wants to feel happy and proud of himself for managing another podium. Wants to hold on to the joy he sees on the team's faces as he looks down at them with his bottle of champagne in his hand.

And he does, because Charles Leclerc is nothing if not grateful for every positive result he manages.

But there's just something about the rain in Suzuka and the memory of Jules that puts a damper on it all.

It doesn't rain during the podium celebrations, but it does rain later, when Charles is back in his hotel room, standing at the large window and looking at the rain drops pounding against the glass. The rain is so heavy that he can't actually see much aside from the rain.

"You're so beautiful," Max says from the bed behind him, watching as the lights from outside cast a soft glow over the Monégasque's face, making his green eyes sparkle.

The only source of light coming from inside the room is a small lamp on the bedside table, on the opposite side of where Max is laying on his side, propped up on an elbow.

Charles turns his head to glance at him, a soft smile on his face.

"You are, too, you know."

Max mirrors Charles' smile with one of his own as he pushes himself up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

Charles turns back to the window as he hears Max coming up behind him, strong arms winding around his waist from behind.

"I bet he's so fucking proud of you up there," Max says, propping his chin on Charles' shoulder and looking up at the night sky outside, even though he can't see much of it through the falling rain. "They both are."

Charles places his hands on top of Max's arms, leaning back into the other man's warmth.

Max is not a religious man by any means and he doesn't know if he truly believes in the concept of heaven. But, he knows how badly Charles wishes for the people he has lost to be able to keep an eye on him, long after they're gone. And it costs him nothing to do his part to assure Charles that they do.

Charles hums. "I wish I could give them something more to be proud of this season."

"You give them plenty to be proud of, every single day," Max says immediately, arms tightening around Charles' waist.

Charles smiles again, a small, soft thing as he leans his head back against Max's shoulder. Max takes advantage of the position by pressing gentle kisses to Charles' exposed neck, making the Monégasque shiver slightly in his arms.

"Cold?" Max asks against the skin of Charles' neck, and Charles shivers again.

"No," he breathes, closing his eyes. "Tickles."

He feels Max smile at that before there's another series of kisses being pressed against his neck.

They stay like that for a long moment, not moving. Not speaking. Just holding on to each other as they listen to the rain against the window.

There's a heaviness in Charles' chest he knows won't disappear until they leave Japan.

"I know you need to go back to your room tonight," Charles begins softly, opening his eyes. "I just —,"

He trails off, biting his lip. They never spend the night together during race weekends, both knowing there's too much of a risk of getting caught.

Max lifts his head from Charles' shoulder and pulls back just enough so he can look at the other man. Charles turns his head to meet his gaze.

He doesn't say anything, waiting for Charles to continue. To elaborate.

"Don't leave me alone. Not tonight."

Max turns him in his arms and reaches up with one hand to cup Charles' cheek, keeping his other arm wrapped around Charles' waist.

"I won't."

It's a promise he makes while brushing his thumb carefully over Charles' cheekbone.

Charles breathes a sigh of relief, not having realized he was holding his breath until that very moment.

Max leans forward, resting their foreheads together.

"Any time you need me to stay, you just tell me. Okay?"

"But what if —,"

"Any time, Charles."

Charles stops trying to argue. Instead, he captures' Max's lips in a kiss. And Max kisses him back, like he does every single time.

The heaviness in Charles' chest isn't going to disappear until he leaves Japan.

But having Max next to him is at least going to make it a little easier to bear.

#Lestappen #Lestappen ficlet #Lestappen drabble #Lestappen prompt #Prompts #Ask prompts #Asks #My writing #Thank you so much for requesting these my lovely

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papakhan · 10 months

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Hey I was wondering, do you hate Boone due to his writing or his character? What I mean is do you hate the quality of the writing for Boone or do you like the writing and think it contributes to your read of the character? I guess what I'm asking is if you think Boone is poorly written. Sorry if this is rude in any way! I don't like Boone either I just wanted clarification

in all honesty it's a mixture. i've said so many times I even tho I think Boone is a terrible person, I do actually think he's is a really interesting character who you can do a lot with but that doesn't take away from the fact that there's a lot of poor writing choices involved with him. also I think his stans/people who genuinely believe any of his choices were remotely justified are ANNOYING

you asked about the writing so that's what I'll talk about. Boone's backstory is effectively "poor soldier forced to murder innocents and feels sooo bad about it" which is a bad premise anyway but is executed very poorly IMO. First of all, the Bitter Springs Massacre in its entirety feels like a set dressing to this NPC's tragic backstory because it is just SO badly written. The game wants the NCR to look morally good/neutral SO bad that it's willing to make Bitter Springs look "justified" or "accidental" and I'm not even sure if it happened on purpose. There's like so much wrong with it I don't think I can even explain everything and it's not even just me whining because I'm a fan of the Khans (tho it is some of that) like it's just badly written

This affects Boone's writing because it's a huge part of his backstory but the game never challenges you or tries to make you feel for the Khans in the situation. All those dozens of Khan children and elderly and sick he murdered, you don't get a single name or living relative you can talk to or ANYTHING compared to what you get for the NCR's side of the story like Dhatri and Bitter Root and Gilles and Manny. All you get for the Khans is Oscar Velasco who, by the way, if you visit while Boone is your companion, Boone will execute immediately. so like? you can't even watch a heated exchange between two snipers on opposing sides? Can you imagine how much more interesting and empathetic and grey the situation could have been if you had to convince Oscar and Boone not to kill each other? but no! Oscar is marked as EVIL!!! HE HAS TO DIE!!1!!

every bad thing to NCR did at bitter springs has a shitty silver lining that makes it "justified" like "the person on the other end of the radio didn't understand that there were children fleeing" or "we gave them medical aid! and allowed them to settle at red rock!" or "all the Khans are actually shitty and abusive! I'm a Khan and I'm happy they're all dead!" or "it's hard not to shoot your own guys in the heat of battle" and all of this is why WHY I think so many Redditors fully believe that the Khans deserved because even Manny and Bitter Root say they think it was justified!

all of that really takes the bite out of "Craig Boone did a horrible terrible thing" because the game Lets you. no actually Encourages you to make the argument that what he did was okay. At no point are you allowed to call him out or call him a shitty person or force him to face Khan justice all you can do is tell him "actually what you did was justified" or "there there boone its okay we'll work through it <3" and I'm sorry but those are just. weak choices. especially in comparison to how rich other choices in the game are. yes I know all the companion quests come down to two very cut and dry black and white options at the end but cmon VULPES is offered more depth then this. And also Cass and Arcade can be handed over to their enemy factions why can't I do the same with Boone???

So not only does Craig have a fridged wife (I know people Love to say that Carla's not an underwritten fridged woman but tell me one thing about her other than she was mean and pregnant. one thing.) but he also has piles of unwritten dead civilians in his backstory too and they're all just kinda there and the only thing the story tries to tell you about them is "maybe they did deserve it" and I think that sucks. Carla is her own special problem in the writing by virtue of being a fridged wife because she was invented and murdered just to punish Boone, which still doesn't work if Boone thinks it's divine punishment that he decided to pull the trigger on his wifes head.

TLDR: You're meant to feel bad for Boone, not any of his victims. Not any of the Khan children he killed, not even Carla is afforded any empathy. The game wants you to feel sad about Boone and that's it. that's why I don't like his writing.

#txt #sooo this came out really long i'm sorry I ranted but #yknow

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lobotomyladylives · 2 months

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Hey i am also anti psych as an institution but im also in therapy and on meds because I cant function.............. do you believe the meds can benefit me or am i just lining their pockets at my own detriment? im not about taking medical advice from tumblr but i have been looking for more opinions because im not knowledgeable on this and i want to read

I'm the first to admit that some people do in fact benefit from their meds, I'm one of those people to some extent. I am pretty happy with a few of my prescriptions. but on a larger scale, there are certain classes of medications that are widely prescribed that I believe do far more harm than good in the way they're currently being used.

the most harmful of these are antipsychotics. I used to be on one & I now refuse to take it, APs are just a chemical lobotomy, they literally shrink your brain over time + make you balloon up & give you diabetes, tardive dyskinesia, etc, thats just the tip of the iceberg. literally every single schizophrenic client I had who had been on APs for a long time had a million physical health issues bc of them & most were very lethargic to the point of falling asleep during group therapy.

while APs do have their uses in extremely severe cases, the big problem with them is that doctors aren't just prescribing them as a short term silver bullet to deal with severe psychotic episodes, as they ought to. they are handing them out like candy to anyone & everyone, from people with PTSD to curmudgeonly elderly patients to literal children, usually "difficult" ones in the foster care system, prison inmates with MH conditions-even people with nothing more than mild depression get given APs. and it's all bc big pharma sent their pill pushers out with bogus fraudulent studies exaggerating the positive effects & downplaying the negative ones so that they could make more money off meds that ought to be a very rare Rx.

this is also my primary issue with the second most harmful class of MH drugs, benzos. they work phenomenally when taken /as needed/ to stop panic attacks but psychs who prescribe them as a long term every day solution need to have their licenses taken away & I'm so serious about that. benzo withdrawal is the worst there is, you can literally die from it & it lasts YEARS with an insane amount of horrible side effects including rebound anxiety. I know people who trusted that their psychiatrist knew best & took xans for mild anxiety & now they literally cannot get off them, they are physically & mentally addicted & it's more difficult to kick than a heroin addiction (not exaggerating). well, guess who's a paying pharma patient for life now? how convenient.

SSRIs (as well as SNRIs) are another extremely commonly prescribed class that's come under fire recently due to the fact that the studies showing their efficacy were discovered to have been completely falsified. they literally don't do what the pharma companies claimed they do, the science is NOT there & on top of that they have some nasty side effects. what's particularly scary is what can happen when you try to come off them (withdrawal symptoms lasting years, anhedonia, also PSSD-there are people who haven't had an orgasm in years after coming off these drugs). I'm planning to take part in some of the lawsuits that are in the works due to this mass defrauding of mental health patients including myself.

the body count psychiatry has is a direct result of our for profit healthcare system that incentives overprescription, and the issue is so massive that I honestly think it totally dwarfs the opioid crisis prior to the overcorrection & fent & tranq being introduced. fuck, at least opioids /actually/ do what they're supposed to do, unlike most of these MH meds. it's insane & infuriating. I recommend reading Mental Health Inc if you want to know more about this, it gives you a sense of the scope of this issue.

#that was such a rant lol. anon if your meds work for you thats good & you can still criticize psychiatry while being on them!#also therapy isnt psychiatry since theres no medicine involved. psychologists dont have the ability to rx. therapy isnt likely to harm you #unless you have a hannibal lecter type therapist but im guessint thats not the case #i mean some therapists are just Bad but its pretty easy to identify them early on #asks

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beardedmrbean · 5 months

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The thing about the Israel-Palestine conflict is that, to be absolutely blunt, the PM of Israel is a horrible person, who does not care about the Palestinian people at all. And everyone would be justified in wanting him removed and to force Israel to be more humane. The only problem is that at the same time, the leaders of the Palestinian people are absolutely monstrous antisemites who gleefully throw their own people into the line of fire, and encourage civilians to murder jews as often as possible, with actual fucking financial incentives to do so.

And so we're left with a LITERAL lesser of two evils situation, between someone who wouldn't care if the other side died to a man, and people who actively WANT to murder the other side, and everyone else of the same ethnic group. And who indoctrinate their children to think the same way.

There is no 'win' here, just trying to find the least of all possible bad situations.

Bibi can be voted out and briefly was only ways to get hamass's leadership out is arrange for them to die somehow or capture them and bury them in a box in the middle of nowhere imprisoned with no contact with the outside world until they die, effectively the same thing as killing them outright.

The bit about if the people fighting for the pally cause put down their weapons there would be no war but if the people fighting for Israel did the same there would be no Israel isn't entirely correct not even going into semantics like the geographic region still having that name not entirely correct.

There's the kahanists in Israel, those'd be the Jewish folks that are in favor of terrorism, ethnic cleansing, and/or apartheid.

Only got 3 major actions to their name, this being the most recent'

and if history is any indicator there will still be groups of arabs and other Muslims that just detest the idea of Jews existing, not just the Muslims though.

It's a very long list and there's not really much of anywhere that's innocent, at least any place that had a Jewish population.

But the rank and file aka overwhelming majority of the population of Israel would be very happy if they never had to use a safe room again, and I think the folks in the west bank, gaza, the communities on the border in Lebanon and Jordan would be glad that they also don't have to duck and cover because the powers that be in that particular region decided it was time to fire some rockets at Israel again.

As for the 'wanting Israel to be more humane' I'm not sure what you're getting at there, from a military standpoint they generally go above and beyond what is called for by international law in order to safeguard the lives of civilians, issuing a 30 min to hour warning before turning a building into dust because hamass is using it as a military instillation isn't something they need to do.

As amnesty international has said in regards to Ukraine

Waiting to see them backtrack on this one. I wish there was a way to get the innocents out of harms way, but hamass loves themselves some human shields and doesn't give a shit about the regular citizens of gaza as anything other than PR fodder.

I wish there was a easier way, or even a way, but when one side refuses every single offer of peace and has for 75 years it's not looking good.

As a aside, this particular war was started to keep Saudi Arabia and a few other MENA countries from normalizing ties with Israel, for trade at least, that was the purpose of the Abraham Accords, they were a start that didn't include the question of is Israel a legitimate nation according to your countries government.

Casualty heavy PR move to sway public opinion.

It's funny the Sunni and Shia and other different Muslim sects line up to kill each other on a monthly basis, unless there's someone else they hate more in the vicinity.

I say that because I can't remember who it was some fairly important Jewish person from Israel, said something similar to 'if you want to destroy Israel, leave it in peace and it'll destroy itself'

Divisions among the various groups there, you saw the protests that were going on about the different "reforms" and what not, that's all over now because all corners of the community have the same enemy don't have to fight each other just yet.

It's a rock and a hard place here, but if they can get it all finished and then get bibi out the hard place will soften significantly I think. __________

This was really long, I keep doing that. hopefully it makes sense and I managed to touch on what you were looking for.

I hate all this and I want it to stop, I hate fighting and I hate war, and I hate senseless killing.

#anonymous

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staggersz · 7 months

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Loss of vision huh. Oh the angst potential, I can feel it. He's trying to be the nice guy everyone knows he was before, but with the frustration of having to learn to live with just one working eye I can see him lashing out more easily and startling his family. And I bet he doesn't even have baseball to use for venting out anymore. Again, the angst potential is just delicious.

By the way, do any of the other boys also get some kind of permanent injury?

I swear I love getting your questions in my inbox because it means I get to go into detail 😋

Bruce also has gotten major head injuries, so he suffers from Post Traumatic Amnesia. One of those effects is being distant or lashing out, while other times he’s clingy and is emotional.

He absolutely hates going back to school because he can feel people staring at him like he’s a science experiment through a looking glass. He thinks he looks creepy and weird with his scar.

He feels bad about lashing out at his family. He says sorry, and is just embarrassed about getting mad.

Bruce played baseball for a bit when the season rolled around, and he was exceptionally good at it again. But when his coach told him he was gonna let him go, Bruce just quit on his own. He felt humiliated.

Speaking of life long injuries, there’s a bit ! TW for graphic depictions I guess if you wanna stop here!

Griffin can no longer speak. He has a nasty scar across his neck, and it was so deep it cut his vocal chords and trachea entirely (surprisingly there are ways to survive this 😭)

Billy has a deep cut on his cheek, and on the side of the neck, though those don’t effect him that much. He has trouble walking sometimes from all the wounds he had gained on his back in it’s entirety. He had to wear a back brace for a bit when he left the hospital. He also has a cut just above his heart, which luckily healed.

Vance has a huge cut across the bridge of his nose. He had his nose broken exactly one year apart in this basement, which causes swelling and bruising, difficulty breathing, and nasal obstruction. He went way longer than 14 days without treatment ! He also has nasty burns on his forearms from when his arms were forced on to a stove. That was one of the only times he cried. Vance also has a huge gash across his stomach. That hurt really bad for him, but the shock kind of numbed it. He just found it unbelievable.

Besides all the scars on Robin’s arms and legs and what not, he has a few stab wound marks on his chest. He got them right before they all escaped, so he was able to get to a hospital. He also had one of his teeth forcefully pulled out by The Grabber. Robin isn’t a fan of smiling after that, but he’ll still grin occasionally. Overall, Robin is just horribly insecure of his scars. He hates literally every single one.

Just like the movie, in the fic, Finney had a failed escape attempt. When he was brought back to the house, he tried to fight back, but ended up gaining a pretty awful scar on his shoulder and two less deep cuts the sides of his arms, just like all the others had.

I hope I’m not forgetting anything because that’s all the lifelong or most damaging injuries I can think of for each one!

#tbp fandom #tbp #the black phone #let me have fun making headcanons #this is for my story #cigaw #can i get a witness?#finney blake #bruce yamada #robin arellano #vance hopper #billy showalter #griffin stagg #tbp hcs #tbp headcanons #they are all traumatized #i love angst #griffin literally cant talk #its not a competition of who has it worst they are all traumatized

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nyxknocks · 3 months

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So, Rashomon was not whatever I expected it to be. Though, I don't really know what my expectations were in the first place...

This style of story telling is always fun for me. It's very Clue-esque in the way you get everyone's side of the story and how it always favors themselves to look the best or the one with less blood on their hands. The characters are... interesting. I don't think a single one of them is good, but again that's the whole point, isn't it?

The line about how the demons there fled because of the ferocity of man pretty much tells you what this story is about. Humans at this point are all selfish, acting towards their own gains and for their own wants with little care for others (the assault, for one). Everyone makes a point to center themselves in the tragedy, that while yes this man did die, they are also a victim (and I mean yes she is there is absolutely no doubt of that) of other circumstances.

It feels like a nod to what we discussed about the shifting of blame. They are culpable to some extent to what happens (the assault, a murder, what have you) but it's not their fault, they were forced to. Just like how the government forced their hands during the war. But I hate linking everything around this time period and also from Japan as related to the war, because it feels reductive and small minded. But in the 50s its hard not to think of the impact the war hand, especially since Kurosawa had to deal with everything during the occupation.

Tajomaru had to assault her because she was beautiful, and then in his account he had to fight the samurai, he didn't want to kill him.

In the wife's account, she fainted after the samurai is freed, thus absolving her for whatever befell him, but she made a point to mention that even if she did kill him in her black out state (which she does not admit to) it was because he looked upon her so horribly after the assault. (Very Chicago).

The samurai's account is the most confusing, because it's told through a secondary source and also he is the one who died, so.

The woodcutter lied at the inquest or whatever because he didn't want to admit he saw the whole thing happen. Likely because he didn't want to get caught up in the blame game and also to hide the fact he stole from them. Again, selfish.

The ending can seem hopeful, with the priest saying the woodcutter restored his faith in humanity or whatever, and maybe I'm just jaded but if he lied once he can lie again. How do you know for sure he has 6 kids at home? You have no proof! You just gave this random dude you met in this husk of a building a baby you just found! Obviously it's meant to be taken well, because the literal imagery of the rain and clouds moving/stopping to let the sun in is like a ray of hope being cast on the people/story being shown. A bit of proof that humans aren't all inherently selfish and self-serving. Mildly hopeful, I guess?

I never realized the Rashomon effect was named after this and that's embarrassing. Like I said, it's one of my favorite styles of story telling because you can see things from so many different angles and still end up wondering just who is telling the truth. It really allows you to strap in and focus on the story because you become invested, trying to untie the narratives while also having your own thoughts/opinions reshaping it to fit your own narrative. It's really sneaky how it happens and its satisfying every time, because you never know, not really.

Also. Best part of the movie.

I also like how you can see the slide cut or whatever it was called. So Star Wars. The whole beginning gave me Twilight Zone deja vu. Genuinely love that aspect.

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desnoot · 1 year

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BNHA 373 spoiler/discussion

I'm kind of shocked by the way the fandom has reacted to Mic's decision in the last chapter because I think it is VERY in character for him to do that.

For starters the BNHA manga only shows the long term effects the death of Shirakumo had on them pre reveal: -They are close. -Aizawa tries to make sure a situation like Shirakumo's death doesn't repeat itself (teaching the kids to protect themselves, sacrificing himself for the greater good or for younger people, etc.), doesn't talk about what happened and keeps a a cautious distance from everyone. -Mic on the other hand acts as his hero persona most of the time, is overprotective in regards to Aizawa and low-key has rage issues he projects by punching or screaming loudly at villains.

The short term effects are shown in the Vigilantes flashback about their past: -Mic resorts to his persona and starts acting happy and positive, doesn't deal with his own feelings and tries to keep his relationship with Aizawa as it was (keep him close and happy), which is difficult because -Aizawa tries to shove every positive relationship in his life away from him to not get hurt again and deals with trauma by training, hurting himself in the process in order to become stronger (which Mic witnesses), refuses to do group activities and LITERALLY RUNS AWAY FROM EVERYONE THE DAY HE GRADUATES while using his quirk on Mic, making him loose his voice so he can't call after him.

Later they become close again somehow but after temporarily loosing both his best friends in the span of year and a half this man definitely has abandonment issues.

And now we get to the BNHA timeline and think from Mic's perspective. What he knows the League of Villains and Kurogiri are responsible for pre reveal:

Aizawa being hospitalized with a shattered skull, possible damage to his eyes and quirk, and two broken arms.

Almost kidnapping Midoriya during the internships and threatening his students during a trip to the mall.

Attaking the camp, causing several injured and two people kidnapped.

Aizawa having to publicly apologize for not protecting the kids well enough and putting them in danger.

The Symbol of Peace having to retire.

Aizawa getting 9 stitches and almost murdered.

Then Kurogiri is captured and the reveal happens.

They tell Mic one of the heads of the League of Villains, responsible for all that, is Shirakumo. And he can't believe it but he does. And Aizawa is hurt again and reliving all their shared trauma. And Mic is hurting, mad, frustrated and worried for Aizawa cause what else is he supposed to be doing?

And then they capture the doctor and stop Shigaraki and it should all be over but something goes horribly wrong during the mission. And Kayama dies and Aizawa looses a leg, an eye and the ability to use his quirk.

And as much as they try Shirakumo still doesn't come back and doesn't react to them.

They plan the final battle and know that if they can't win it's over. And one of the ways the battle can go terribly wrong is if Kurogiri wakes up and is on the Villain's side.

Aizawa, Mic's single remaining best friend is fighting Shigaraki at the moment. If Kurogiri wakes up he is going there and Aizawa gets hurt again, or worse.

Mic wants to save Shirakumo, of couse he does. That's why he shouts his name one last time. To see if he can try and reach him.

But he also understands the bigger picture. Understans that if Shirakumo wakes up and sides with the Villains, the battle could be over and that Aizawa will get hurt again. So yes, he would prefer him not coming back at all if it means he could loose Aizawa. If it means being left alone again.

It's not the right heroic choice of trying to safe everyone including the villains, but it's definitely the one Mic would take after all that.

#present mic #hizashi yamada #kurogiri #oboro shirakumo #aizawa shouta #bnha #mha #listen I love Aizawa but he was a terrible friend to Mic after Shirakumo died #and I get it #he was dealing with trauma his own way #but my god #also they both need therapy #a lot of therapy #no wonder Mic can buy expensive cars he doesn't pay for his mental health #that and he has three jobs and is a celebrity #but u know #this is MY OPINION #bnha spoilers #desnoot rant

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beskad · 3 days

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So it turns out the chronic fatigue that has been destroying my life for the last 8 years...... May have been largely due to the wave after wave of antidepressants that doctors kept putting me on. I have severe depressive episodes when something triggers my PTSD and usually experience dissociative episodes. (Thanks dad!!!!!!) And I expect I always will struggle with this because that's just an unfortunate fact of having been raised brainwashed and under constant threats of violence for 23 years.

BUT

I've told every doctor I've seen since 2016 about my side effects every single time. The exhaustion, the inability to do basic self care tasks like showering. They said you're just depressed. They tried antidepressant number 3 then 4 and then a 5th and 6th and 7th, even when I begged to not try another one, and even though one of them (Prozac) was documented as having made me suicidal basically overnight (3 days after starting, 2021) and I ended up in the ER when trying to (safely!! under supervision!!) discontinue Cymbalta about a year ago

I know these medications work for a lot of people. A have a friend with bipolar 1 and he hasn't had a full blown manic episode since starting lamictal over a year ago. It works for him. I'm not saying omg antidepressants are poisonous blah blah evil pharma blah blah

But I've never felt like my meds (other than trazodone for sleep) helped me and they made me so tired and gave me nerve pain and gastrointestinal issues and I'd become SO dysregulated if I took a dose even a few hours too late and I begged and begged and begged for someone to listen because I couldn't do anything I couldn't cook or shower or sleep

It was horrible, I was so exhausted and short of breath that I couldn't even stand long enough to do dishes.

I have been living with such a bone deep exhaustion that it didn't matter if the antidepressants helped with other things. I have been so EXHAUSTED and there has been no relief and that in itself has been making me want to die for over 5 years

I've been off of all of them for a little over 3 weeks now. And I don't feel like great fantastic amazing top of the world!!!!! But I do feel stable. I'm not so exhausted that it's hard to sit upright or breathe. I'm able to do things that I haven't been able to for so long. I cook basic meals every other day after work!!! I have the energy to do it. I take my trash out. I can empty the litterbox.

It's basic stuff!!! but!!! I haven't been able to take care of myself for a very long time

It doesn't feel like I have a 50 lb weight on my chest, suffocating me. My heart palpitations and shortness of breath are gone

I'm gonna fucking sue someone. I told a DOZEN DIFFERENT DOCTORS for EIGHT YEARS that I was suffering and they just threw another medication at it. It was the antidepressants all along. I'm so mad.

#angry rant about medications and health under the cut #rray.txt

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shadesofmauve · 1 year

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2022 Writing Wrap Up

Total words published: 149, 266. All but 947 of them published three days ago.

Additional words written: Oh, hell, your guess is as good as mine. I've got Perpetual Soup documents simmering over here, I take bits from them and add to them all the time. Like, google is crashing rather than admit that the Epic Scrap Yard doc has been around and perpetually changing since 2011. I know I had 4000 words on the next chapter before the clock struck midnight on the 31st; I can't remember how much I added to @swaps55' fav upcoming arc (aka Kai Leng's Worst Mistake Ever) or the Vortex of Tears, but I know it was something.

Grand total of words: 149,266++! Only not, because I didn't write all those; many were first published years ago, and even the re-writes represent about three years of work. So who the hell knows.

Fandoms: Mass Effect, of course. I've also added small amounts to an original novel idea, but mostly world-building notes.

Highest everything (raw kudos, hits comments): Of all time? It's always A Star to Steer Her By for hits, kudos, and bookmarks. I'm pleased to see Sunset and Evening Star beats it for subscriptions, though!

Highest kudos-to-hits ratio: Okay, I don't think this is fair. People come re-read aStSHB, but they can only leave kudos once. Like, far and AWAY the biggest k:h ratio is for Copilots, which is a tear-jerker short fic I gave to @musanocturnis in a holiday exchange because I'm a horrible friend. It only has 45 hits total, but people who go "I know, I want to CRY!" and click on it are apparently getting what they signed up for.

New things I tried: Um. Hrm. @swaps55, what did I try that was new? :P I wanna say there's something in the Emotional Cascade Failure chapter, but it wasn't so much new as hard. There's a lot of emotional stuff in SaES that's very much putting myself in situations I have no experience with — which is always part of writing, and is new every time.

Fic I spent the most time on: Sunset and Evening Star, no question.

Fic I spent the least time on: Shipmates, my lil' exploration of how Joker and Kaidan met.

Favorite thing I wrote: I like a LOT of what I wrote this year, which is an awesome feeling! I get giggly-excited over some space combat sections that haven't seen the light of day yet, and about anything with Alejandro. I'm very pleased with coming up with the Poss'm acronym. And Joker and Kaidan's ridiculous N7 Craft Hour conversation cracks me up more than it should, for sure.

Favorite thing I read: I've done way, way more writing than reading of fic, but it's got to be one of the scenes with the Yang Gang from @swaps55' Cantata. I just love their whole dynamic. The needlepoint wall sends me, and I'm going to work a reference to it in somewhere. I also really liked Wish I May, Wish I Might by @spaced0lphin, who's out there single-handedly providing every possible form of content for the Shoker fandom including a frickin' game mod. (Which I haven't yet played for the same reason I haven't read the Tiger By My Side rewrite, @spaced0lphin — keeping my own story clear while I'm neck deep in it, and not having time :( — but the original TBMS was my fav Shoker long fic, back in the day, so...)

Writing Goals for 2023: PUBLISH NEW CHAPTERS! We're lookin' good, just gotta keep going.

New works: Just Shipmates, I think. Though my main fic is so damn long I sort of feel like the new chapters count. That'd be A Bunk on the Normandy, Emotional Cascade Failure, and Possum, most of Trust, then the new chapter Shipmates (which is different than the short fic, titles are just hard, okay). There's other new stuff through-out, but those are almost 100% new.

Tagging: @writes-in-space, @spaced0lphin, @virusq

#dear tumblr #why is every paragraph a div all of a sudden?#this is disconcerting #divconcerting #how to make the words go #year end review

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dearweirdme · 10 months

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tkkrs could've been taken seriously if they chose the narrative for lack of taekook content as only "the company is hiding them!" without inserting jimin into the situation and making a double narrative between "the company is hiding" and "the company is pushing jikook".

like it makes zero fucking sense for a company that—according to tkkrs—is so scared of having a gay couple to be actively pushing a narrative of... a seemingly gay couple? ntm involving one of the members that they're supposedly so scared to be exposed as gay? AND involving jimin who has no business being thrown into another couple's drama and throwing him to the wolves while simultaneously pushing a narrative that he's a company favorite??

all of your narratives contradict each other and yet they're all pushed simultaneously and are so widespread as a "truth" when none of it makes sense.

jikook are most definitely not a company narrative (not dating either) and if there's any suspicious moments about their bond or friendship or whatever that don't fit in the picture of taekook being a couple, as in "why would jikook do this if taekook are dating?" then just accept that taekook might not be actually a thing which gives jikook more room to be playfully flirty without being horrible friends (or in jk's case, a boyfriend) to tae instead of taking the stupid road of "the company arranged this" when again, it is complete nonsense—and frankly, clownery—for tkkrs to be saying this when they're the same ones who say hybe is scared of the risks of having a gay couple under their label

Hi anon!

You know what's funny? I've gotten quite some asks the last couple of months, from all sides off fandom; Tkkrs, Jkkrs, Taennies, some neutral perspectives even. You know who are the ones that come to me with "you must think Jk is a bad boyfriend" or "You probably think Jimin is a bad friend" sort of asks? It's Jikookers, every single time. I know there's Tkkrs out there who do this, I absolutely do, but it's not solely Tkkrs inserting Jimin in the story. And what about vice versa? "You know Tae, he just has to have his hands on Jk, don't know why?", "Tae is using Jk for attention", "Jk can't say no to Tae, Jimin at least has the guts to"... what's that all about then? I've gotten an ask about the Osaka live Tae did (working on it) and you know what Jkkrs actually think? That JImin got so mad at Tae about it that he acted petty and refused to have Tae on his live the next day. What is that?

You present yourself as a non-shipper, but I'm not sure if you actually are one. I actually agree that a huge part of Tkkrs treat Jimin wrong. He is not to blame here, at all. But it is not correct to say Jkkrs don't have a hand in this themselves. They drag Tae too, they are the ones holding Jimin in front of us trying to get a reaction. I don't do that. When I mention Jimin, I mention him as Jk and Tae's best friends. That's it.

Do I think the company pushes Jikook? Yes, but not the way Jkkrs like to think. There's always certain things a company pushes more. In bands it's friendships, because it's a sign of a well working band... and people just like to see happy banter. I can go hours watching BTS members interact, it makes me happy and that is exactly the effect a marketing team wants. It's obvious that thats how things started out with Tae and Jk. They were the ones pushed, because their friendhip was genuine, because they had great chemistry, because they made people happy. Ofcourse Jimin was also in the mix, they were really close back then as well. But everyone knows that Tae and Jk were more special. So when that was no longer a possibility, and Tae and Jk interactions started to be less and less on camera, what was left was the closeness between Jimin and Jk and Jimin and Tae. Jk and Jimin have wonderfull, playfull chemistry as well... so that stood out. The company utilizes it, but it is not fabricated, it is real. The company does not however push another queer relationship to cover another. As I said yesterday, the romance part is inserted by Jkkrs. There is no romance there. Are there playfull flirtations, yes.. do they play it up for the camera's, yes. There is no romance though and the company does not try to make it so. The company is pushing a friendship while hiding a relationship, and that is why things look the way they do.

But, let's go there a bit. Because what is it like to see your best friend and your partner play it up for the camera's while you are not even allowed to touch him much? We have seen instances of Tae being jealous/sad when Jimin and Jk are Jikookerying. It has hurt him. But in those moments, is he really mad at Jimin and Jk? Or does he hurt, because it can never be him? Because even though you have managed to deal with a situation, there are still times when it sucks and there are still times when it hurts just a little more. It's human, it's normal. I think Jimin and Tae have the best of bonds and they will have talked about these things. Jimin would not want Tae to hurt over this. I think Jk reassures Tae every chance he gets. It's part of their jobs to play it up for the camera's, Tae knows this... he does it himself. I think some Tkkrs (and Jkkrs as well) don't know this and that is where the hate comes from.

I'm perfectly capable of talking about Tae and Jk's relationship without mentioning Jimin. He is not a part of my narrative for Taekook. I do talk about him, but that is mainly because people send me asks.

#taekook #straws #ship analysis

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felixcloud6288 · 7 months

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Fullmetal Alchemist Chapter 51

I've admittedly not been looking forward to this chapter.

The part where Roy's eaten flames come in handy for Ed and Lin shows how Arakawa thought out events in the story. Ed and Lin were going to get eaten by Gluttony and were going to need light to explore. So how do we get light? Let's have Gluttony eat Roy's flame attack prior to that.

It's strange to me how Ed, Lin, and Envy weren't all next to each other in Gluttony's stomach though. Ed ended up around the wreckage of the house, and he and Lin found the piece of ground Gluttony consumed when he swallowed them all. Al's hand is still on that plot of land. But they don't encounter Envy until some time later.

I like how we can see the three tree root ends of that one tree that was barely outside the blast.

When Ed realized Lin's torch was made from a human bone, Ed started to hold it in the way people hold icky things.

It's crazy what stuff we see in Gluttony's stomach. There's part of a building, which I'm going to guess is from East City. Maybe Gluttony had to eat his way out after Scar blew up the sewers?

I wouldn't be surprised if there are bacterial colonies and maybe some small insects or worms living in this dimension. Ed and Lin never indicate any breathing issues.

I kinda want to know what would happen if you fell down that hole.

We have some May Chang and Xiao Mei backstory and Scar being a nice guy. Since they're getting attention, that definitely means something is going to happen with them. So we'll soon have the legendary moment where May's fantasies come crashing down.

I'm going to guess there's a concrete follor right under that fire hydrant and wall piece.

Ed and Lin really did eat the boot. Ed's left boot is gone after that scene.

Envy actually tried to be amicable. They even stopped making fun of Ed's height. But they just can't help but brag about all the horrible stuff they've done.

Meanwhile, Lin doesn't know anything about the Ishbal Civil War, but he's disgusted at Envy bragging about causing it.

Now onto why I've not been looking forward to talking about this chapter. I've tried to come up with a good way to put it and have had no success so I'll just say it.

I've been staring at every panel where you can see Envy's feet.

No, it's not like that!

When Envy is transforming, Lin brings up how Envy's steps in the woods sank the ground, and how they destroyed an iron fence by jumping on it. All this means that Envy is far heavier than their preferred appearance would imply. So I was wondering how many additional hints I could find. The only thing I could find was that one time Envy managed to smash the brick road with a single punch in chapter 39. There might be a slight hint in chapter 6 as well when Envy first appears. Notice the impact effect from their walk.

On a side note, I kind of want to be a little annoying about how Envy's power would work given their mass is near constant. There's this thing called the square-cube law. Let's say you have an object that is a certain initial shape and volume. If you modify the object's size such that it keeps the exact same shape, the object's surface area increases by the square of the size increase while it's volume increases by the cube of the size increase.

As an example. If I have a 1x1x1 cube, it will have a surface area of 6 (6 1x1 square faces) and a volume of 1 (1x1x1). If I double all it's proportions, I'll have a 2x2x2 cube which now has a surface area of 24 which is 4 times greater than before. Meanwhile it's volume is now 8, which is 8 times greater than before.

In simpler terms, your weight increases way faster than your size. And the point I'm trying to get at is Envy having a constant weight means smaller body frames shouldn't be able to support their weight. A small dog's bones would be crushed under Envy's weight. And a horse not instantly collapsing and breaking all its legs under Envy's weight is absurd.

But anyway, that's just me over-analyzing things.

The scene with Al and Gluttony is all sorts of adorable. Gluttony pacing around is really cute. And that bird perched on Al only to get spooked when he spoke. And then Al jiggles Gluttony's belly causing Gluttony to step back embarrassed.

And now Al wants to meet Gluttony's father!?! Oh my!

back

#fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist reread

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brokenmusicboxwolfe · 7 months

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I am deeply saddened to see that actor David McCallum has died. While 90 hardly a short life, when someone has mattered to you, even in the distant way of an actor playing make believe for a living, you always wish the life were longer.

I expect I am about to ramble, and not very coherently (sleep deprivation), so all of it will go under the cut.

Actually, he was about the first actor I ever remember recognizing. When I was 3 I adored an obscure tv series called The Invisible Man, where he played the title character. It bares little resemblance to the original story, instead following the adventure show of the 1970s-1980s formula. I think the fact he played a scientist, married to a scientist, and that the couple happily worked together had a lot to do with it. Reminding me of my parents was a natural thing to appeal to a preschooler.

To be honest, I only remembered fragments of the show, but I remembered him vividly. Even as a little kid if I saw him anywhere my first thought was “lt’s the invisible man!!” and a wave of affection would wash over me.

Affection is something you wouldn’t find with my favorite of his tv shows. Steel, in my beloved Sapphire and Steel, is hardly a warm character. How can I describe the show…Well, the title characters aren’t human, but beings that are sent out to deal with problems in time, or maybe you can say caused by time. Nursery rhymes, photographs, and gas stations take on a menacing quality. If these two show up you better be afraid because while they will go to extreme lengths to stop the threat, those lengths might involve sacrificing you.

Steel the cool, sharp edged, and anything but the lovable nice guy I’d adored as a tot….and I adored him here too.

I was late seeing Sapphire and Steel, but I was even later seeing The Outer Limits (original version) where he starred in two of my favorite episodes.

In one, The Sixth Finger, he played a coal miner experimented on by a scientist until he evolved far beyond a connection to his humanity. I have an action figure of that one!

The other, Forms of Things Unknown, has an obvious inspiration in a certain famous French thriller, but then in comes McCallum, a man experimenting with time. While in the other episode he played a man shedding his humanity with every mutation, here he actually is unearthly from the start, a peculiar characterization that reminds me of the madness of characters that have seen to far into the void, but also of a child lost to forces far beyond them….

TBH, I went through a period where this episode was comfort viewing. I would day dream up back story details for McCallum’s character, and even ways to connect it to Sapphire and Steel.

What? just because I was going full geeky fangirl on a single episode of a tv show made well before I was born isn’t THAT weird on here!

And here is another obscure one I’m fond of, a movie called The Ravine. It’s a movie set during WWII where he’s a German soldier sent to capture a woman that’s been acting as a sniper picking of his side like crazy. The concept, that they end up trapped together and do the enemies to lovers thing, seemed like the usual contrived thing. Still, out of mild curiosity I watched a horrible print on Youtube and I was surprised how effective it was. I was actually sold on the tragic relationship, and I’d gone into it expecting to be rolling me eyes. In fact , since it isn’t (or at least wasn’t) available on DVD in the US I got one from Europe. Good thing the acting and setting are more important than dialog, cause I don’t speak Italian!

Frankenstein: The True Story has about as much relationship to the original novel as Bram Stoker’s Dracula has to the book, but it’s actually a rather fascinating take on subject. Tumblr would approve of the gay subtext (more like text, cause how could even folks in the ‘70s miss it) McCallum’s part is supporting, but crucial being both Frankenstein’s mentor and brain donor. I’ll be honest with you, my weakness for mad scientists is showing because I swooned over even has he enthusiastically collects raw materials (ahem) for their work.

Is it weird that this is the roll he played that had me properly, classic fan girl swooning?

There are couple of adaptations that are notable for me. There is that adaptation of Kidnapped he was in. I got it on DVD for my father because the sequel to Kidnapped was a childhood favorite of his, and this was the rare version to use that book (TBH, Pop had a fanboy crush on the girl in that book, from the way he talk! LOL) Unfortunately Pop died before seeing it, so it colors my thoughts on it. And there was an adaptation of Our Mutual Friend, one of my favorite Dickens novels, but I watched it in a “see all the adaptations” kick so it’s a blur of compare and contrast.

I will end this with the most peculiar way a part he played connected with me.

It started unexpectedly, with me watching The Man from UNCLE on a DVD set my father had gotten for Christmas. My parents had liked the show, but like a lot of shows from before I was born I’d heard a lot about it before I’d seen it.

To be honest I wasn’t particularly impressed. Oh, it was fine, and I did like the warm dynamic of the main two characters. **It’s just sort plain potato chip tv, tasty but forgettable. Plus it was sooo of it’s time that the sexism irritated me no end. I have watched, and loved, a lot of 1960s tv, so maybe I just expected more. I enjoyed it, but if you asked me to rank my faves of the “ Sixties lets do the Spy Thing” tv shows I would pick Wild, Wild, West or The Avengers or Danger Man or Get Smart*** even before it.

So it was fine, I enjoyed it while we watched, and then didn’t really think about it anymore.

And then my father got sick.

My father’s illness, and eventual death, hit me hard. Very hard. I was alone dealing with it. I had no friends, and wasn’t even on Tumblr yet. I couldn’t weigh my parents down with my emotions when they had so much of their own. And with my father’s chemo and such I was often actually alone. Obviously not as much as now, but so many days completely alone was new to me then.

So there I was, on the verge of being an emotional but holding it together, desperately aching for someone, anyone, I could turn to….

And then I started dreaming.

Of course I always had dreamed, but this was different. This was nightly dreaming. Serial dreaming. Stories that continued on for days or weeks. And fictional characters started creeping in. Up until then the characters in dreams had always been my OCs, but now suddenly tv shows, books, movies, comics…they were all fodder for the stories helping me escape.

The part may be one of his most famous roles, but it still came as a huge surprise when I found myself dreaming about Illya.

Actually, the first dream was a general Man from UNCLE dream. It was fun, even if it seemed weird to be dreaming about the show. But then the next one had Illya only.

And so it started, an epic series of dreams, chapter after chapter, night after night. Adventures with Illya.

Well, and aliens and time travel and so on. It was, after all, my subconscious spinning the story, not screenwriters. Gotta get time travel and/or alternate universes in there somewhere if it comes out of mushed up brain.

After a while the dreams had bigger gaps between them, but the dreams with Illya still came. In fact over months they dominated my dreaming. Illya was there all the time.

It got so I spent time when I was awake, thinking about the dreams and the character. What would Illya think of this? What would Illya listen to? What would Illya say? What if Illya were in that situation? What if…

Now, I admit, the Illya I was imagining is only inspired by the one David McCallum played. It looked like him. It sounded like him. I even found myself replaying select episodes to remind myself of his “voice” so my brain could make him seem more authentic. But the truth was he was my interpretation of Illya, my head-cannon, my quirks, my obsessions..

Actually I guess it was my need. I needed someone. My dreams even created characters to be my avatars for interacting with him. I those dreams I could talk to him, laugh with him, cry in front of him, save him or be saved by him, and be his friend.

And in a weird way, that is what my brain was doing. It was giving me an imaginary friend while I slept. Someone smart and kind and brave, to save the world…just like the imaginary friend I’d had when I was little.****

I’d given myself an imaginary friend that looked and sounded like Illya!

Well, in dreams. I wasn’t so far gone I talked to him when I was awake!

But it was comforting. I found myself thinking about those dreams, almost cuddling up to them in those painful dark days. I confess I worried that if I ever were in a delirium or under anesthetic or something might call out to him and have some very embarressing questions asked.

Eventually the dreams stopped. Time moves on. Maybe I didn’t need them anymore, or maybe my subconscious got bored.

TBH I kinda wish I still had dreams about him, or some other characters. Any dreams with a repeated cast or continuing story would be beyond welcome. I could REALLY use their company now.

And now, writing this, I realize just why I actually gasped when I saw David McCallum had died. Yes, as an actor he had played many parts I enjoyed, but other actors have done that without the shock of their death knocking the breath from me. But the fact is no other actor has had their performance gift me with something that felt like a friend when I needed one most.

So that’s why I am sad. It isn’t just a list of parts he played that I loved or that he had been a familiar face as long as I can remember. He got stored in a special part of my mind, the strange area of the imagination where strangers and friends get blurred and fiction protect a fracturing heart.

I am eternally grateful he lived. Even if I didn’t have a list of credits I enjoyed ******, as long as I had those dreams he helped inspire when I needed them most I’d mourn his passing.

Condolences to all that loved him, be they friends, family, or fans.

**Though I would end up in fandom exile for seeing them as like brothers or little boy best friends instead of shipping them. Good on you if you do. I think it’s beautiful every character everywhere gets shipped with someone, but dang, what is with the hate for the non-shipping fans?)

*** The Prisoner, possibly my fave tv show ever, isn’t really in this category to my mind, but a lots of folks would disagree.

****My childhood imaginary friend was the ghost of a little boy murdered by his uncle during the American Revolution. Still, the smart, kind, brave, save the world stuff was there too.

*****I didn’t mention something he did that I enjoyed. For instance, Mother Love, a wonderful bit of tv that criminally isn’t on DVD, because it’s Diana Riggs’ showcase. But then I’ve also never seen any of the six billion years of NCIS (I think those are the letters). Who knows how many other of his work I never saw.

#rambles #david mccallum

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hermitdrabbles56 · 1 year

Note

risk

sending

word

for

the

ask

game

(those are all for the ask game btw :3)

"Four Sight"

He tries, oh how he tries to do something to that effect as he forces himself to keep his vision trained on the gentle expression painting Twilight's face. But when he attempts to breathe in, all he does is choke. Gasping hopelessly for the smallest breath and finding nothing.

"Is it- I can’t..I messed up!" Fours voice comes clear again, dripping with fear as every inch of his body trembles. "Am I gonna die? What did I-…am I gonna kill us- I I fucked up-"

"First Meetings"

The sight he finds upon catching up makes his heart sink. Twilight had managed to only get far enough he wouldn't risk waking the others before his legs gave out. Partly propped up against a tree and shaking as everything he'd managed to eat makes a reappearance. Grasping and nearly clawing at his own stomach as he heaves.

"Big Brother Twilight"

Twilight tackles Warriors out of the way of the stony death waiting for him. Sending the two of them rolling over top each other. The rancher hanging onto him to make sure they're both completely out of harms way as the rolling finally stops. Only when it does stop, the farmer finds his blood running cold.

"Monster Fight Chats"

Fairyboy: …exactly how has Wars not met him?

CaptainMyCaptain: Wait, have you met him!?

Fairyboy: No but I don't live with two out of the three people who have.

CaptainMyCaptain: Touche..

RockRoast: to put it simple, it's like two ships passing in the night

RockRoast: or like a rancher and his goat and Wars is horrible with a lasso.

RockRoast: HAHA! THAT got him!

RockRoast: I just got a message from Colin that Twi fell off the couch trying not to laugh >:D

Fairyboy: that was horrible

"Aren't You Angry?"

"He's a danger!"

"Get out of our village!!"

"Enough!!"

A crack of deafening thunder splits through the sky. Stopping the riot before it can go further.

"You are speaking to a hero of the realm! And if you say one more word you'll be answering to me!"

The crowd parts to where Hyrule stands on the opposite end. Lighting crackling at his fingertips and the edges of his eyes.

"Twilight Come Down"

He flinched and covered his face when a handful of dirt and small rocks was chucked at him. The woman scrambling to her feet and bolting away. At least to the relief of his spirit it's the trail she's headed for, but that does nothing to ease the pain in his chest.

"Tender Betrayal"

Link had wanted to try and get the kids sent back first. They'd already dealt with so much more than they should have. But Mask, Wind and Tetra all stood their ground. The latter two pairing up and heading off with one of the other champions. While Mask stayed steadfast by his side. That determined expression, and unwavering resolve leaving no room for argument.

"Disguises and Balls"

"...I'm not very good at dazzling either."

Four gives a small little snort. "Says Mister show off who will do a little sword show for anyone who asks?"

"And who frequently strikes a pose after fighting big things." Legend pokes with a grin.

"I do not do that." He defends with a small frown.

Game was the only one I did not have a single instance of!!

In the lu wips >:D

But I had two options in a Witcher wip.

"Depth of a Witcher"

The next day Jaksier, in fact, was absolutely miserable. Hardly able to move at all and only waking to choke down water. Leaving the brown wolf very worried, but Zoltan convinced him downstairs to socialize rather than fuss. The dwarf instead running up to check on the bard between conversations and card games.

#hermit responds!#a lovely dragon <3 #hermit writes #fic snippets #hermit realizes they have a casual past time of beating the shit out of four for no reason #linked universe #witcher 3 #lu twilight #lu four #lu wild #lu warriors #lu time #lu hyrule #lu legend

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atlasscrumpit · 2 years

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My personal Experience with PTSD and DID

(Trigger warning, ptsd, trauma)

I guess I just wanted to share a little bit of my own experience especially with DID and PTSD.

I think like a lot of others I’ve kind of gotten used to keeping all of this quiet, people teach you that sharing your pain means you’re weak. So I never share.

But I think I should start sharing more, because then maybe the more I share others will want to share as well or feel more confident.

I’m not really sure where to begin with all of this.

Well, i suppose I’ve always struggled, but I didn’t face it or realise it until I was 15.

All of the things before it were kind of just put down to ‘she’s different.’

Seizures or ptsd episodes were just put down to ‘she’s wanting attention.’

The doctors didn’t really know what to do with me, I was an ‘interesting’ case.

So, instead of helping me further they put a 15 year old girl onto 100mg of sedatives every night until I became so numb that I just stopped talking. I suppose then I wouldn’t bother anyone.

Because of the high dosage I don’t remember much of those times.

They put me on so many different pills and treatments that me and the entire system just switched off.

I remember small details, having outbursts and being on even more medication.

Or the side effects, I mean at one point I was on a treatment that made me lactate. Yes, a 17 year old girl with a body ready for a child. The medication literally made my body prepare for a child.

And if that isn’t fucked up idk what is.

Anyway that’s just some background pieces. When I began getting actual help the professionals were confused to say the least.

From every point of view I had a normal childhood, of course I had the normal trials and everything. But the doctors were confused because I had complex ptsd with ‘no trauma.’

My level of ptsd was the same as someone who had gone through years of sex trafficking. They’re not the only ones confused either because I honestly don’t know what happened. A lot of my childhood was wiped from my mind, but I don’t understand how so many people can say i had a happy childhood yet I’m left like this. Having flashbacks of horrible things, screaming in my sleep at night and having panic attacks in the grocery store.

It’s been hard, it’s been really fucking hard.

But I don’t get to say that, I don’t get to cry, I don’t get to scream.

I have seizures, I have nerve pain, I get terrible headaches, I have times where I forget everything even my own name or my own family, I get nightmares nearly every night, i get really strong deja Vu every single day, of course it’s a struggle having DID as well, the constant switching and voices can be overwhelming.

I just want to scream, i want to show people how much I’m hurting, but I can’t.

Because all of this is ‘in my head’ people don’t believe it hurts.

Life has been hard, it has been so hard and difficult but I’m not allowed to say that because other people have it worse and at least I have a home and food.

That’s a bullshit argument, having a home or food doesn’t stop the pain, it doesn’t stop the crying and the screaming.

Every job I’ve had has been terrible, the coworkers treat me terribly because I’m different. The job I have now is a little better but people still don’t understand any of it. I don’t expect them to.

There’s been times where I lose the ability to speak, I don’t know if many of you have been through that but god it’s scary and no one cares. My family just said ‘it’s just because of your anxiety’ even if it was that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

I’m just tired of suffering, I’m tired of having to be silent.

I’ve been through so much and it isn’t fair, none of this is fucking fair.

And I still have no idea why I’m like this or what happened.

I just want a break, and i want some peace. But life isn’t fair, at least not for me.

Why does everyone get to have a life, why was I born and instantly my life was a trial? I don’t understand it one bit, apparently I did something absolutely awful and all of this is punishment.

Obviously there’s a lot more than just that stuff but that’s all I can do for tonight cause I’m already close to passing out from that.

And if you made it to the end holy shit.

#ptsd #did #ramble #rant #dissociative identity disorder #mental health #depression #axiety

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wintersandthebeast · 1 year

Text

27. Secret

RE8 | Wintersberg | Romance, Slow Burn | Action, Sci-Fi

Link to Master List

Ethan sat at the desk where morning sunlight filtered through the large picture windows, making patterns on the hardwood floor where Rosemary babbled and played. Eva was in the room, her voice sometimes filtering through the speaker. Karl had started his morning before the sun rose, and Maricara was attempting to repair a loom that Ethan pulled into the large multipurpose room. She clucked at the state of the wooden device, speaking in her own language to Alina, her daughter.

He’d gotten distracted from the very important (per Eva) papers from the typewriter. Ethan was also trying to create a system to manage Karl’s money, and he was always boggled at the man’s nonchalance. He truly could not have cared less that he had a fortune, and Karl still dressed like he lived at a bus station. But now, Ethan shoved the finances to one side of the large oak desk as he moved back toward Miranda’s transcribed notes.

Eva had something of a photographic memory in the mold, and she could find these papers, keep a memory of them, and then write it when she was in a safe place. It was painstakingly slow, but safe, and effective. Winters’ look of contentment was erased as his eyes scanned this page. He was so disturbed by what he read that he barely registered Karl passing by the hallway, Maricara dragging him in to lecture him on the state of the loom, and ask for more parts to repair it with.

Ethan’s eyes were wide. After he read, and then re-read the journal entry, he looked up at the pair and stared. Both noticed him, and turned. Wordlessly he held the typewritten note to the engineer, who waltzed across the floor and took it.

My power is growing stronger. I was able to appear to Ethan in a dream recently. I had not been able to do this since returning to this ethereal form. It was a trick I learned long ago that became very useful for converting the people in the village to my religion. However, I could not manifest outside of his dreams, and likely will not be able to for a while. The memories keep turning, but I welcome them. I would never willingly forget my time with my beloved Eva. Ethan was shocked to see me. He thought I was Heisenberg, a form I must admit I didn’t think I would ever take. It also appears that Ethan still has no memory from when he was absorbed by the Mutamycete. I am pleased that removing his memories worked so well. These are experiments I have not had time to play with while performing my duties in the village. From this space, I could once again manipulate the memories catalogued by the Mutamycete; I chose to remove everything pertaining to Rose, so that he would not seek her out and try to use her powers. To be safe I removed every memory with his wife as well. I had no idea Heisenberg would be capable of infiltrating those memories, and I do not know how he did it, but it doesn’t matter. It is discouraging that he has a form in the world and I do not yet. But I will continue with my plan of wielding Rose’s power from this world and expanding my power even more. Even if I cannot use Rose as a vessel, her power will help me resurrect, and find Eva.

Karl’s eyes were dangerous, full of fury as he looked up at Ethan. He passed the paper along to Maricara, who moved toward the window, squinting at the tiny text. Now Heisenberg was beside Ethan in a single stride. He was nearly trembling with fury.

So was Ethan. They stared silently at each other. Finally Ethan spoke, in a choked voice. “It all makes sense now…she…didn’t want me to try to save Rose. She made me forget.”

A look of disgust crossed Heisenberg’s face. “Not the first time,” he muttered, and Maricara nodded from the window. “She took horrible pleasure in having parents forget their children,” the woman said with a hiss in her voice. Karl nodded, but now turned back to Ethan.

“What’s this dream about?”

“I don’t want to talk about -”

“Yeah well, I didn’t wanna talk about how your woman helped create Eveline, but you asked,” Karl snapped, but his ferocity dimmed when he saw Ethan’s lip tremble.

“She’s not my woman,” Ethan said in a choked whisper, struggling not to cry. “I…”

“Let us not devolve as she would have us do,” came a calm voice from the speaker. Eva was listening. Ethan nodded, angrily wiping his eyes and avoiding eye contact with Karl.

Maricara hissed again at the paper and spat, making the sign of the cross and dropping the thing as if it were on fire. “Vile trash,” she said, and wagged a finger at Karl. “I’m going to make us some lunch. Be nice.” She and her daughter disappeared, both eager to get away from what could be an intense fight.

“Ethan.” Karl gestured at the paper, which still lay on the ground. “Took my form. What does that mean? What the fuck--”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Ethan said loudly and stubbornly. Was this really happening? Miranda was planning to use Rose, somehow, to enter their world. She said her powers were growing, and she had boasted about manipulating Ethan’s memory of his own daughter. But Karl was just going to be stuck on the…other thing?

Karl stared at him as he tore off his gloves, jamming them into his coat pockets. Next to go was the hat. His jaw was ticking, irises constricted so that his pupils were pinheads in two seas of gold. Ethan didn’t care if Heisenberg was angry, he realized. He would talk about it when he was ready. His nostrils flared when he stood to his full height, Karl rounding on him and getting even closer.

“You knew her for days,” Heisenberg hissed, his voice lower than Ethan had ever heard it. “Days. I was her prisoner for decades. My entire life.” He glanced down at Rose, and back at Ethan. After rapidly blinking, Heisenberg concluded with, “I’d tell you. Bullshit that you can’t do the same.”

Ethan’s hardened expression dropped, but it was too late; Karl was out the door.

When he turned to look at the window, he was in the liminal space, and Eva stared at him with something between pity and confusion.

“Don’t,” he sighed, rubbing his eyes with his palms.

“I am sorry for the reach her obsession has,” Eva said simply. “It has sickened me to watch, being stranded here.”

Ethan risked Karl being still near--not likely, given how much the man liked storming off when he was angry--with his next words. “If I tell him, he’s going to….” Ethan stuttered. “He’s going to be disgusted. Not to mention…angry.”

“But not at you,” she said, her thin mouth twitching in a hopeful smile.

“I’m not sure about that,” Ethan sighed. “I’m trying to protect him from more hurt. He’d be destroyed that there was nothing he could do. He’d be…” Ethan threw a hand up. “He’d be disgusted that Miranda did that, and then immediately after I…” Ethan now felt a sense of shame over just how the encounter had happened, but Eva shook her head.

“Ethan, you cannot protect Heisenberg from hurt. Don’t do what Mia did to you,” she offered wisely, and his eyes widened impossibly.

He wanted to curse at the realization of his words, but the man sighed, knowing she was right. He shook his head.

"I'm a fucking idiot."

"No, you are a human in a single lifetime," she coaxed, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. "There is time to make it right."

#winters and the beast

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