#she has had me on adhd medications since i was in first grade
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my mom wants to medicate me at all costs
#for context#she has had me on adhd medications since i was in first grade#every single one of them has had horrible side effects#she said one of them made it where i didn’t smile for a month#and after years of this#instead of thinking maybe my child doesn’t need meds#she just kept going!!!#and eventually she found one she liked#and it gave me an eating disorder but nobody cared because i’ve always been skinny so obviously it’s natural for me to not eat much#(it’s not natural. i was gourging myself in the middle of the night when the meds wore off.)#and i genuinely had no emotions or personality but thats fine bc 13 year olds are shy and they pull away from their parents#and every time i said ‘hey mom and psychiatrist i don’t like the meds’ they’d fucking ramp them up#to the point that i was on a dosage that does not exist. i was taking multiple pills. because i was the only person on that dose.#i was fifteen.#and now i’m an adult and i NEVER take adhd medication for obvious fucking reasons#but any time anything negative happens with my emotions#like i’ll be like ‘ugh im frustrated at this video game’#my mom is like MAYBE YOU NEED TO BE ON 115 MG OF CONCERTA AGAIN. THAT WOULD FIX YOU.#i have the absolute lowest dose of vyvanse and i only take it when i ABSOLUTELY am sure i need to focus#and my mom wants me to take it to do shit like go to the arcade#she genuinely once said she likes me more when im medicated#so no#the red dye thing isn’t a genuine suggestion#it’s an attack on me. because she wants her freak kid to be normal so badly she’s willing to ruin its life.
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So any advice to stay focused on basic tasks? I have currently untreated ADHD and as a result, have a lot of trouble focusing and remembering things. Not only is this really a pain for school (I forget any work I have to do or sometimes where my class is) but sometimes I will literally forget to eat or drink water (sometimes forgetting water for up to a day and a half and food for up to 3 days). I am looking to try medication to see if it helps soon but I keep forgetting to start the whole process so Anya device for how to remember stuff and stay focused?
I don't know how helpful I'll be, but I've been told I have ADHD so here's the ways I've managed over the years when I was in school:
I too forget due dates all the time, so I write them down. In a planner, on my phone, in a different planner, on a calendar, highlight them on the syllabus which is then placed in a pocket for the folder dedicated for that subject specifically. I used to carry a teacher's planner in my backpack, and since I took that backpack everywhere I went, I always had it with me. Put reminders on your phone. When you first get the syllabus, write down the important dates and put reminders on your phone immediately.
I used to keep boxes of protein bars and ramen and instant mac cups on a shelf in visible sight. Since I lived in a dorm that was essentially a closet, I could always see the food as a reminder. I would keep my water bottle on my desk, which was the only piece of furniture in the place where I could sit and do anything since all the furniture I had was a shelf, desk, bed, and dresser in one room. If you live in a bigger space, put snacks everywhere you usually hang out. My mom has a trick where she puts reading glasses in every single place of the house where she might be, so I recommend doing that with food and maybe even cups to remind you to drink. Also, you can set alarms on your phone! Like a daily reminder: Eat and hydrate!
As for the actual act of hunkering down and studying and being able to focus, I don't have a foolproof way, but what worked for me was this: I set up environments that were dynamic enough to keep me hyperfocused. What I mean by that is I get antsy sitting still for too long, so I would put on a playlist or a video game and just use the location ambience to help me feel like I was somewhere else. Whenever I would start getting antsy, I would move locations in the game or go to the next ambience video. And then boom! You've moved. Different setting, new environment, let's settle back in and study again. I also had multiple, multiple documents and tricks to motivate myself. When I was in grade school, it was Harry Potter. I would assigned Hogwarts houses to subjects and create a competition, and whichever subject I did the most work in won. I can go into more detail if you want, I'm about to do something similar tonight to get some work around the house and studying done. We can study together tonight if you want! :)
Lovelies who have ADHD, care to pitch in? Anon, make sure to read any reblogs/comments!
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Pancake Household: Chapter 9, Part 1
Time to check in with the Pancakes stack!
Nicknames: Bob = Sleek, Eliza = Jumble
Brindleton Bay in autumn, the best world/season combo or so I’ve been told. We start with Ginger chasing her tail and Bob and Eliza waking up.
Eliza: You ready for tonight?
Bob: Tonight?
Eliza: The dinner party Sleek
Bob: I remember we were having one I just didn’t remember it was tonight. Let me just call in work
Eliza: I could always cook
She looks at him but can only keep her face composed for a few seconds before laughing at her own joke.
Bob: *laughs* Let’s not burn the house down Jumble
Since we’ve last visited the youngest Pancake, Fergus, has been diagnosed with ADHD. He wants to see if he can manage without medication for the moment which makes Eliza a little nervous now and then.
Fergus: Morning dad, morning mother. Is Emi still coming for dinner
Eliza: Her and her parents, as well as Onyx’s friend Carson and his parents
Fergus: Just remember you have to call her Artemisia because you’re normal, I get to call her Emi because I’m her friend
Eliza: *quietly* Thank the watcher our eldest picked a simple name
Bob: You’re telling me
Bob stands and pulls Eliza up to kiss her on the cheek. He’s hoping they’ll have a daughter soon.
Onyx: Good morning everyone. Dad, mother, I couldn’t help but notice we still have a horse shaped hole in our lawn
Fergus: Did you dig up the yard?
Onyx: It’s an expression *switches to talking to Eliza* because I’m an A student mother
Eliza: Must be the only grade A student in detention
Onyx: It was one detention! Everyone gets at least one detention
Eliza: I didn’t
Bob: It’s not the detention that’s a problem. Your mother and I are concerned about how you’d manage taking care of a horse on top of your school and cheerleading responsibilities
Onyx: I’d fit it in. Please mother, I’m sad I don’t have a horse
Eliza: How about a test then
Onyx: A test?
Eliza: You take over walking Ginger for a while and if you can manage that we can talk about a horse again
Onyx: Deal. My dog walking skills will be legendary
The table bursts into laughter at this response.
Eliza: Oh I do love your confidence honey
Bob: Of course we’re lucky we can afford Ginger
Eliza: Bob…
Bob: For a while there my books weren’t doing so good
Onyx: They weren’t?
Bob: The first critic, what did he say Jumble?
Eliza: *sternly* Bob
Bob: That it was expensive toilet paper
Onyx: Oh my watcher! That’s awful! Is that why we had to move? Do we owe the mob money? Will they kill us in our sleep
Bob: What?
Clearly surprised that this new has upset Onyx, Bob turns to his wife to signal for help. Good thing she’s already prepared.
Eliza: It was a long time ago and we got through it. We may not be rolling in simoleons like some other families but we’re certainly in no danger of losing Ginger or the house
Bob: You’ll see Onyx, we’ll be… good?
Eliza: Thank you Bob, that was very convincing
Bob: *laughs* Thank the watcher charisma levels can’t go backwards
Onyx: I just have to do my homework mother then I’ll walk Ginger, you’ll see, I’ll have loads of time
Bob and Eliza watch their kids hurry off to get their homework out the way, Eliza feeling proud, Bob wondering if he should have added more onions to the breakfast quiche.
Settling onto the workout machine Bob thinks it’s a good time to do a short livestream, he still can’t believe he has fans, but he’ll have to get more for promotion.
Bob: Hey viewers. I’m having a dinner party tonight and I’m getting ready by exercising early! Remember to do your warmup stretches and add the weight you lift gradually. So my kid is 14 and I’m wondering… is it safe to let them in my kitchen? Let’s do a poll!
Inside in their room Onyx is oblivious to their responsibility being debated online, focusing instead on finishing their homework correctly. It would probably be easier if Eliza hadn’t picked now to vacuum but with visitors coming she will not be accepting dust bunnies today!
After completing his own homework assignment Fergus sets about doing the laundry. He checks all the pockets and gets it in the machine. Just as he sets it to go Onyx comes out for their cheer practice.
Onyx: Did you just do the washing
Fergus: It’s only right, we have guests coming and mother can’t do all the chores
Onyx: Suppose
Fergus: Plus if I do it you’ll have time to walk Ginger
Onyx: That’s nice of you, thanks-
Their words are interrupted by Fergus having chosen the porch as the best place to practice dramatics! Onyx shrugs and carries on their own practice, may as well practice not being distracted by random noises.
Livestream finished Bob heads inside to start prep for the dinner party. It’s here he realises he has a fridge full of batter but no dough, oops.
Bob: Hey, Jumble?
Eliza: Library! Doing chess!
Bob: Oh. Turns out I have to wait some time for the dough to mix together. I was wondering if I could persuade you to join me in bed for our own mixing
Eliza: *smiles* ask me nicely
Of course they do end up in bed and spend far longer mixing together than is required for the dough.
Previous (Romero) ... Next
#sims 4#the sims#the sims 4#simblr#my sims#ChangingPlumbobStorytime#R0904#ElizaPancakes#BobPancakes#OnyxPancake#FergusPancakes
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In 2020 my daughter (then 13) told me she had been looking at some stuff and she thought she might have ADHD. I had not considered this possibility before she brought it up, but with about 5 minutes of reflection, it made sense. We were already running on the assumption that my husband (her dad) has ADHD and our home had a lot of adhd-friendly ways of doing life and honestly some signs (time blindness, fidgeting, hobby-hopping, distraction) were overlooked.
Being that it was 2020, everything was slowed down and backed up, but being people with privilege, we were able to pay for a private psychologist to do a full assessment. It took about 3 months and ended up with a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis and an evaluation that boiled down to "she probably has ADHD but she does really well in school so deal with the anxiety first and see if that fixes things". Took that to our GP, who basically said "I don't know what to do with this" and prescribed Prozac, which increased her anxiety so we stopped it and asked for a referral to a psychiatrist.
It took almost 18 months to get the appointment - meanwhile she had no supports, no treatment, and no follow up from her GP. At that appointment, the Dr revised her diagnosis - she absolutely has ADHD, but she's good at school, so no need to treat it. However, because she didn't respond well to the prozac and she "gets really sad sometimes" (that was actually the question he asked, no probing, or clarifying, just "do you feel really sad sometimes", to a 15 year old!), prescribed a mood stabilizer because she might have a mood disorder (bi-polar disorder). My husband (who was there for the appointment - I wasn't able to go) was so shocked and confused he just said thank you and left.
We did not fill the prescription for the mood stabilizer. No issues with taking medication when needed, but she showed no signs of excessive mood swings - she had also just had her first break up a couple weeks before the appointment. While waiting for the follow up (where I planned to advocate for treatment for the actual thing he said she had, not the theoretical maybe thing she might struggle with) I saw ads for a private clinic specifically for ADHD diagnosis and treatment. I was nervous - I've got medical trauma (it comes with chronic illness) and did not want to be seen as shopping around for pills for my kid, or ignoring medical advice, or any of the other things that would make getting her treatment more difficult.
So my husband went first - made an appointment, filled out the forms, got a diagnosis and treatment plan. It was so easy and affirming and validating for him, and since starting the treatment he's been so relaxed! He might also be able to stop his anxiety meds (he also has a GAD diagnosis, which might be wrong based on how inattentive type ADHD works).
My daughter had her first appointment this week, it felt so good. She was heard and understood. Her experience and struggles weren't overlooked. She was validated. The NP doing the appointment even mentioned how it's harder for intelligent kids to get diagnosed because they are able to mask so well and too many people just look at school performance. She has a follow up next week to go over a treatment plan. The NP even said she would look at medications not in pill form as my daughter has issues swallowing pills.
I can't express how excited I am. She's 16 now, in grade 11, and things have been so much harder on her in the last year. I'm hopeful that between the treatment plan and coaching, the transition to university will be gentle and she won't face the same breakdown so many people (especially women) with ADHD go through in early adulthood. I'm hopeful this will help her to see her strengths and to not feel so overwhelmed and broken most of the time.
It took far too long and was much more difficult (and expensive!!!!) than it should have been to get to this point, but I am so glad we have a plan now and that she feels good about it!
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Parent teacher conferences:
We were supposed to have an interpreter for our meeting with E’s teacher (he’s Colombian and does speak English but not super well and heavily accented - like the words all flow together and he repeats himself so it can be hard to pick out exactly what he’s saying). But the interpreter got her times wrong and only showed up for the last 5 mins and just kind of rehashed and clarified the stuff we’d already talked about.
It was surprisingly or I suppose not so surprisingly hard to talk to him about pronouns! Even though I had come equipped with some stuff written down (like in Spanish, E would like to be “elle” instead of “ella” or “el.” And not señora). He claimed to understand, and said “I don’t want to…misgender, yes?” So he “got” it, but then just kept using she/her the whole time he was talking to us (even though I have explained xie/xer to him over email and again just now in person). His larger point though is that since Spanish is so gendered, and a lot of these kids are still just learning Spanish, he doesn’t want to introduce confusion (and then there’s the added layer of the confusion that can arise when he speaks English). Then when the translator arrived, she was translating what the teacher said about E as “he” so…yeah I don’t know. It’s hard.
On the way out we ran into parents of an NB friend in the same class (who uses they/them) and we quickly told them about the translator thing and the pronouns thing, and I said something like “maybe the pronouns conversation would have been better if the translator was there for that part” and the dad said “yeah…we have had a couple pronoun conversations with him already.” Which was…well, I was going to say it’s nice to know he gets other pronouns wrong too, like it’s not just the unusual xie/xer that’s throwing things off, but…idk, IS that nice to know? Heh
Anyway - overall, E is a great student doing awesome in reading and math, helpful to other kids, and the teacher said that while he was at first concerned about how many “breaks” xie needs, now he sees that xie does get xer work done so it’s okay (of course then we did also fill him in on the ADHD diagnosis - THERE’S A MEDICAL BASIS TO THOSE BREAKS!)
C’s teacher said he’s way ahead in math which we knew (we got him a second/third grade math workbook that he uses during independent math time) but also that he’s ahead in reading skills which always just surprises me since he’s behind where E was at that age (not that I’m pitting my kids against each other! I just had this box checked off in my head that xie learned to read in 4K, he didn’t, he must be “behind”). But she says he’s close to reading all the way! She also said he needs a lot of help with emotional regulation and has big reactions to small things, esp when he has to stop doing something he likes and move on to the next activity. Poor guy. I told her that he didn’t have persistent enough symptoms to get diagnosed with autism but that I think he probably has it, and she said “yeah I see some signs.” BUT! Then! She offered to see if he could get some in school support, talk to the school mental health team, etc - which I didn’t even know our school had, and/or I thought it was something you had to compel them to do rather than something they’d offer, just due to having so few resources. So, that was neat!
Idk today I’m feeling overall optimistic - like, yeah, both our kids are neurodiverse, but they’re getting help already, and teachers understand more than they seemed to when I was a kid (esp about the need to move and that it’s not just bad/disruptive when someone can’t sit still), and they’re very smart, and they still have friends, and it will all work out.
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TW: depression, sui ideation, the big sad, etc etc
I hate schoolwork. It’s petty, it’s silly, it’s beneath me, but I am so fed up with it. I am 20 years old and I haven’t graduated high school. There are so many good messages on here about not needing to meet any artificial timetable. That we can do things in our own time. But holy crap guys I’ve been stagnating for so long. I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with this part of high school for three years now.
I started homeschooling halfway through Grade 10. I have self-guided courses that I can do on my own time which still earn me credits to go towards my high school diploma. When I started, I was working at a pace that (if maintained) would have let me graduate a year early. I was masking ADHD, anxiety, and depression so all of that slowly leaked out. I was procrastinating, oversleeping some days then under-sleeping others. I developed an unhealthy habit of eating when I felt bored and like I needed a distraction. Some life things happened like my mom getting cancer (she’s alive and well, but her neutral state of “healthy” will never be the same) and my dad kicking out the three of us (mom, brother, and me) for a while because my dad and brother had a fight.
Those nights were the closest I got to killing myself. We had nothing but the clothes on our backs and some cash we were able to use for a hotel. He did this to his immunocompromised wife during the height of the pandemic. He didn’t care. Even when we were let back in the house (because we threatened to involve the police) he didn’t speak to us for days. I was hardly eating. A family friend talked to all of us over Zoom and referred to my dad’s doings as a “hiccup”. I want to be a forgiving person. I like to think that everyone deserves a second chance. But I can’t say honestly that I’ve forgiven my father. I don’t think I’ve even forgiven the family friend for calling it a “hiccup”. He probably didn’t even know the whole situation, but it stung so bad. And I hugged my father that day. As if it was fine. As if he doesn’t still scare me and I lose the air in my lungs when he stands behind me.
Ever since then my life has been derailed. In the summer of 2020 I started treatment for depression and anxiety. The summer I should have graduated. Some time in 2021 I was diagnosed with ADHD twice because the first person to do it never kept proper records and then left the hospital she was working at. So it was as if my diagnosis never happened. So 6 months after the first time, the second diagnosis finally happened. I’m on medication for it now. I thought it was helping, but I’ve been so useless again for months now and with no changes in meds to explain it. I also might have undiagnosed autism, which really stings because I was neglected when I was younger and the excuse was that my brother needed the attention since he’s autistic. Anyway. I don’t have the energy to shower regularly. I hate needing to make food for myself. I literally have two courses left then I’m done high school for good. 5 basic-ass assignments then it’s over. But instead I watch YouTube and try to make stupid music on my laptop to get a tiny hit of dopamine. I search “help” and sort by latest on Tumblr to see if there is anyone I can comfort or cheer up. Is it actually altruism? Or am I just so starved for attention and validation and companionship that I try to please anyone I can? Do I try to help others because I may as well since I’m the only person I can’t come through for?
With all of this, I have friends who are pressuring me to move out very very quickly. They know how much living at home is making me hurt and ache so I know they’re coming from a good place. But I can hardly take care of my own health and hygiene, how they hell do they expect I can take care of a home and hold a job?
That’s why I don’t just hate schoolwork. I definitely do, but that’s not all of it. I hate schoolwork because it’s a testament to just how stuck I am in life. In this one place. Writing a few sentences to an essay each day if I’m lucky. I hate it. I just hate it so much.
One of those friends. We like each other. So so much. We want a future together. Her and I. But she is one of the ones trying to rush me. I know we both want me to be in a good place before starting a relationship. But she also doesn’t want to be in limbo forever while I work out my issues. So it’s like an ultimatum. At this rate I need to move out in the next month or two or I’m gonna lose her for good, it seems. That’s as far as one of our mutual friends of the group knows. So now I have another point of pressure to get my act together before things crash and burn even more. But it had the opposite effect because I feel lost and stuck and like I can’t do anything.
This is just to vent. Cause idk what else to do than rant and maybe just maybe I’ll stop being a piece of trash. God. I hate myself so much rn. I’m such a stupid worthless prick. Dammit.
#just ranting#personal rant#tw depressing thoughts#tw sui ideation#haha now I’m the one screaming out for help cause I feel lost and like nothing is worth anything now ahaha
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This morning we went to Waylon’s morning meeting at school, and I’m so glad I did. Clara was about 8 minutes late to school, which is so very not in my nature, but I’m willing to accept it. It was kind of funny, we went in and Waylon was still at breakfast, so Clara was being all chatty with his teacher and she thought it was the greatest thing. She showed us to Waylon’s desk, and y’all. It was so very Waylon. Like a couple of the other kids desk might have a jacket on their chair or a crayon or two out from the day before. Waylon’s desk had a binder on the floor under the desk, his jacket he’s forgotten to bring home 3 days in a row on the floor next to it. His markers out, his water bottle he’s misplaced since Monday, a book tossed on top of the markers. It was just such a little chaotic space, but it surely felt very Waylon. 😂 He was SO excited when he came in and saw us, and when they did their morning meeting it was so nice to get a little glimpse into his everyday life at school. He was just as talkative and outgoing as I expected, but he did follow directions well. He absolutely wanted to share all of his thoughts on everything, but was a lot better at raising his hand than I expected. Though he did get disappointed when his teacher moved on to the next thing without calling on him (because let’s be honest, no one has time to get all of Waylon’s thoughts on every topic). And it did make me wonder what happens when he doesn’t get his chance to talk and I’m not there to whisper, “she’s moving on, it’s okay,” to get him moving on. Like does he sulk or just persist trying to tell her whatever. I would guess the latter. But either way, he was an enthusiastic participant in the class and only slightly overbearing. I am interested to hear from his teacher about how he’s doing when parent teacher conference time comes around next month. Because we decided to put a hold on officially getting him diagnosed with ADHD until we saw how 1st grade went, because things went so well for the last half of kindergarten once we moved here and we weren’t in a place where we felt comfortable medicating him, his teacher was managing it well in the classroom, and we (along with the specialist we saw) decided that while he could’ve received the diagnosis, we wanted to see what happened this year. But anyway, back to the point of the post, it was well worth going, especially for Waylon’s sake, because he was SO happy to have us there. Then when it was time for us to go, he teared up a little, which was so sweet, but so sad. As soon as we walked out of the classroom, Clara was like, “I really miss my Waylon.” And it was sweet.
Also, I was really impressed by his teacher. I was nervous with another first year teacher. Then the rock to the head incident. But I really liked seeing her in action with the kids. It really gave me more confidence in her.
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hey! i see that you rb a lot of posts about having adhd. my ND friends have said that i probably have it and after looking at a bunch of stuff it makes a lot of sense.
can you talk a little bit about what your experience with adhd is like? i don’t have AuDHD afaik, so i don’t know how different that is
💜💜💜
okay hi hi! sorry that this has been sitting in my inbox for so long, i wanted to make sure i gave it a proper answer so i waited until i was less busy
so the first time i went to get diagnosed for adhd i was actually told i didn't have it, but something about the diagnosis process felt weird to me. it was all very practical, i had to do lots of tests and puzzles and stuff, and one of the main reasons she said i didn't have adhd was because i could remember long strings of numbers? which, sure, a lot of adhd people struggle with short-term memory, but because it was under test conditions and i was focusing hard i remembered them. and surely not everyone with adhd struggles with the exact same things, right?
anyways, i went to a different clinic and got diagnosed with autism, and then spoke to my psychiatrist and described the diagnostic process i went through for adhd, and he said that that method was actually outdated for diagnosis. i described my symptoms and he said i could try medication, so i first tried concerta which didn't work and now im on ritalin which is incredibly helpful. so im not officially diagnosed, but im on meds and in therapy and occupational therapy which help with adhd too.
the main things i struggle with are: attention span, focusing, executive dysfunction, and impulse control, but these are by no means the only symptoms (or the only symptoms i experience). also the symptoms you struggle with will probably change over time and depending on your circumstances. if you haven't already looked, the DSM-V gives a good overview of the most common symptoms
in terms of being autistic, it definitely means my experience with adhd is different, but im hoping this is still helpful. and i'm not trying to like.. force anything on you, but since autism and adhd are often comorbid its worth keeping an open mind about being autistic as well, especially since adhd and autism have some overlapping symptoms. this venn diagram lays them out really well imo
the other thing i'll note is that my adhd symptoms are mostly inattentive, im not very physically hyperactive, which is another reason it took so long for me to get medicated. my teachers always thought i was paying attention in class because i was quiet and got good grades, but in reality i was zoned out 90% of the time in class and working myself to death to get good grades
lmk if you have any more specific questions, i wasn't exactly sure what you wanted :3 hope this was helpful though ^-^
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some personal reflection on my late diagnosis and a few other stuff that might interest somebody or not.
I don't have ADHD, at least not "formally." I'm usually fine with not having qualified for an official ADHD diagnosis during my evaluation (even though a few professionals have argued that I should have had + my medication is ADHD-focused and it works) because I usually just need sensory/social accommodations and ASD covers that.
But it's absurd HOW LONG it took for me and the people around me to notice and accept how mentally hyperactive I am, because it carried me through my early academic life. So I was just "a very bright kid", not a single adult could tell (or, at least, no one thought of it as an issue) I was hyperfocused on and a bit obsessive about school because most subjects interested me, I couldn't control that drive nor my perfectionism and the good grades/the praise for them made me feel better about not understanding how to socialize with most other kids because they acted in ways that didn't make any sense and I was adamant that all of my actions could be reasonably explained to others since I was like five years old. So, yeah, we couldn't relate. I got along well with the weirdos though.
It's funny in a tragic way that sometimes adults can't tell you have socialization problems because you're well-spoken and mimic their communication patterns and don't have trouble following their instructions, but I assure you that the other kids CAN very much tell that you're not like them. (Fun fact: my mom DID notice that most other kids confused me and she was aware of/tried to help me through the bullying I suffered, but whenever I asked her opinion on the matter she just went "oh sweetie that's because you're around adults often and in this household we're all like this :D so it's only expected". LOL)
And since I couldn't have known that often overthinking to the point of tears AS A PRE-SCHOOLER (yes, I have memories of that) wasn't normal and assumed that everyone else had that many thoughts per second... well. That mental hyperactivity paired with the skills related to my special interest (linguistics) served me well until I crashed and suddenly had to navigate the world without the "high results" it allowed me to achieve as a kid.
And now I'm an adult who struggles with basic tasks like a toddler because I can't prioritize anything correctly unless I'm at gunpoint. And I'm perpetually underestimating my struggles, I try to convince myself on a daily basis that I'm just a regular 20-something mess in this world and that every young adult is like this simply because growing up is hard, so I must be trying to find excuses to be "lazy".
At least I know this experience isn't uncommon at all with late-diagnosed neurodivergent people.
I think I want to write more about my experiences. I might keep those reflections here since I (FINALLY) ditched T*itter and I don't want to do it anywhere with my IRL name. I feel even safer/detached here, typing in English instead of my first language has that effect xD
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Wow, this is scarier than I thought.
Which is funny, this blog is me talking to myself but others can read it. Kinda the definition of a blog?
I don't expect many people to interact with my posts. But If you do find me around come say hi! If you have any tips for task initiation and organization hit me up. I love learning and trying what works for other adhd homies.
A little about me, since this is my first post on this blog. I was diagnosed August 2022. I graduated with my bachelor's in March 22' and felt so listless, and nervous about looking for work as a Graphic Designer. Being a designer wasn't my first choice tbh. Maybe a story for another time, but all I knew was that I wanted to be in a creative field because art is the only thing I felt that I could stand. And I hated my job (that I unfortunately still have).
So, it's summer 22' I just finished my bout with COVID and, I didn't know it at the time, in the middle of the biggest burnout of my life. I'm on a road trip to see the Killers in Vegas, and I can't stop crying, mind racing, just completely icky in the back seat of a dark car, wishing the whole trip was over already, even though I was excited months before about his trip. So after I composed myself a little, I looked up online therapy options 'cause I don't have insurance, and have to pay everything out of pocket. I choose an app, sign up, and end up getting my money back cause they don't set me up with a therapist for weeks LMAO. So I chose another app and finally got a therapist. After I explained what I had been feeling she told me, "Wow, have you ever thought of being screened for ADHD?". I never, ever, thought about it, or was never diagnosed as a kid. That one sentence kinda turned my world upside down. It made me look back at every single moment of my life and think...There's a name for what I've been doing my whole life? It was depressing that it wasn't caught early, even though I struggled heavily through all my schooling. But it also gave me some relief. My life was put completely into perspective, it was such a bittersweet feeling. I had been masking so hard to get through my college work, like I said earlier, I struggled with my schooling so I was trying to prove to myself and my family that I could do this, get good grades, and graduate. I was running on empty by the end of it all.
So now I'm working on myself. Working with a new therapist who also has ADHD and specializes in ADHD. I'm occasionally on medication (long story). And learning new ways to accommodate my brain. It's a journey for sure. But the main takeaway I got from my life up to this point is that I'm resilient, all neurodivergent people are. This isn't the kind of thing that can be easily understood, so many people, women especially, are diagnosed later in life. And yet here we are powering through, and learning about strategies that work for us it's empowering. I know that sounds cheesy as hell. But it took a lot of soul-searching, and some self-love to come up with this realization.
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As someone who has been in and out of therapy since before they were a teen, I frequently get asked questions about my early experiences with therapy, and how I managed to stick with it for so long, even after several bad experiences. The answer is simple- I’m stubborn as hell.
My very first experience with therapy is a bit blurry. I was in 4th grade, and I was sent to the school psychologist to be assessed for ADHD. I believe I was 9. I remember being pulled out of class every day for about a week, could’ve been longer. The pulled me out of our study time, and again during recess to take this assortment of tests, and to watch me color and draw. I remember thinking it was really weird that they wanted me to do some of the tests. I can’t remember now what they were, but they were boring and sometimes very odd.
After the week of testing, I remember being told I have severe ADHD, something I had heard of before, but had no clue what it actually was. My parents declined medication, and I went on to fail 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. I was able to manage summer school pretty well though, so I always managed to move on to the next grade.
My second experience with therapy was a little more uncomfortable. I was in 6th grade, and one of my friends turned me in to the school counselor for being suicidal. At this point, I didn’t even realize that people commonly wanted to die, and as a result, I didn’t think anyone could help me. I owe my life to that counselor. After a few weeks of her asking me to see her every day, I began to feel a little lighter, a little less weighed down by the constant nagging feeling of wanting to end my life. Once 6th grade was over, I moved on to 7th grade, we had a different counselor. I went to a couple sessions with him, but I never felt like we connected. It didn’t feel like he really cared. It was just a job to him.
Eighth grade is when things really started going down hill. I got messy with my self harm, and a teacher saw cuts on my arm one day. Immediately I was sent to the office, where I waited over an hour for the district’s psychiatrist to arrive.
When she did, she condescended me, she humiliated me, and she touched me without my consent. She grabbed my arm, ripped my sleeve up, and scolded me for seeking attention. I was then sent to mandatory therapy through the school, and they also told my parents about what they’d found.
Honestly, my parents kind of swept it under the rug. I was always a dramatic child, so why would this be any different. I think a part of them was also afraid to acknowledge that there was an issue. I remember being told to knock it off, I remember being told I was embarrassing because of my constant sulking, visible cuts, and dramatic mood swings. Looking back, I do wish they had addressed the issue further, but this was also the early 2000’s and the stigma around mental health was still holding strong.
I didn’t attend therapy again until 11th grade, due to the negative experiences I had during my 7th and 8th grade years.
In 11th grade, I remember it being towards the end of the year, I was stuck in an extremely abusive relationship. And my self harm was at an all time high. I remember walking through the hallway during class change, and everything was a blur. I was dissociating hard, and the only thing on my mind was getting help. I walked out of school, got in my car, and drove to the nearest inpatient center. When I arrived, I was obviously distraught, and I didn’t have an appointment. They asked me to wait in the waiting room, a large room with a conversation pit in the middle. It felt like hours went by, but it was probably only about 20 minutes. A younger woman with a bright smile called my name from the doorway.
I went back with her, as she tried to make small talk. She got my weight, and led me into a small windowless room. I don’t remember much about the session, but I remember the room was a salmon pink color, and I remember crying….a lot. I asked her if I could stay the night in the center, but she told me there was no room. She asked me if I thought I would be okay for the night, and she gave me her number if I ever needed to see her again.
I never saw her again, but I did resume therapy after that point. I was seeing this older man, who was extremely religious (if you know about my past, you know why this is a problem). After he diagnosed me with BPD, I stopped seeing him. Even though I resonated with the symptoms of BPD, I couldn’t take anything he said seriously, because there was always some element of God behind it. Three weeks after I stopped seeing him, he showed up at my job to “ask me how I had been”. So glad I dodged that bullet.
Since then, I’ve seen a handful of therapists, some great, and some awful. But I never want to go through another period of my life where I do not have that unbiased support, that ability to learn new skills to help cope with my mental illness, or without having the ability to just go in a cry over nothing, without being judged. So no matter the bad experiences, the good will always outweigh them.
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Subtext and Culture, Young Royals, Season 1, Episode 2
Episode 2 picks up the morning day after the initiation party, the girls are having breakfast lunch at their dorm, the boys at theirs, and everyone wants the juicy details about what happened at the party...
Culture: Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far? Although, it's pretty funny how the roles are reversed, Maddie is all "meh" about it, while Nils tells a different story. Then again, since when do you get together after a blowjob?
Culture: I actually have no idea why Simon is having breakfast at Skogsbacken, since regular schools only cover lunch for students, everyone eats breakfast at home, and then goes to school. Then again, it allows a scene where (Never mind, they're having lunch, thanks @kamand !) Blink and you miss it: Wilhelm casts some nervous glances at Simon after having been called out for disappearing at the party and almost forced to confess to making out with someone.
Culture: I know Felice is trying to put August down, but don't knock a proper Swedish pizza! As much as I like living in the US, they can't fucking make pizzas here, and the first thing I eat every time I go back to Sweden is always a real pizza. With pineapple and shrimp as God intended pizza to be made!
Culture: August is namedropping ski resorts in the Alps, which is where you go skiing in Europe if you have money, although Saint-Martin-de-Belleville is actually near Val Thorens in France, while Verbier is in Switzerland. It does have a three-star restaurant, though. Sweden and Norway have a couple of decent ski resorts, but the Scandinavian mountain chain is simply not as impressive as the Alps.
Subtext: Remember Wilhelm getting up and hurrying to math class in the beginning of the scene? It was so he could grab the other seat next to Simon, because he knows Simon is gonna sit next to Sara, since no-one else does.
Culture: Formally greeting your teacher before class is very uncommon in Sweden, but since Hillerska is all about discipline and tradition, of course they do it. Note that they're again using the formal Swedish title for male teachers, Magister, which in a regular school would be kind of a joke, since teachers and students are on a first-name basis with each other.
Subtext: Wilhelm is exposing how the world works if you have money. At Simon's old school, studying alone would result in good grades, but Hillerska is slightly corrupt and almost expects the students to essentially pay for getting a good grade.
Subtext: Simon is lying to his teacher, he absolutely hasn't talked to his parents about paying for private lessons.
Subtext: No, Sara absolutely does care about what other people think about her, and when she directly tells Felice that she would actually like some friends, that's when Felice gets it and starts making an effort to become real friends with her.
Culture: They're all bilingual at Simon's home, they're all speaking Spanish and Swedish, although Linda has a very noticeable accent to her Swedish. Based on demographics and statistics, the most likely scenario is that Linda immigrated to Sweden from Chile, met Micke, and started a family. In real life, Omar Rudberg was born in Venezuela and grew up in Sweden, while Carmen Gloria Pérez was born in New York, and grew up in Puerto Rico.
Subtext: Remember how I talked in the intro post about how distant social classes know nothing of each other? Ayub and Rosh are either working class or lower middle class like Simon, and since rowing is a typical upper class sport, they know nothing of it, they don't even think of it as a real sport. Unlike football, which is a proper working class sport, they know all about that!
Subtext: Scandinavia has Jantelagen, and everyone there thinks it's uniquely Scandinavian, but all countries have some form of Tall Poppy Syndrome. In this scene, Simon is starting to make a class journey, he started rowing, he started trying to fit in with the other upper-class kids, and getting into a relationship with someone as upper-class as Wilhelm would definitely move him all the way. But going on a journey means leaving things behind, which is why Rosh and Ayub are cutting him down and literally turning their backs on him. They like it in the small town of Bjärstad, why can't he be happy there too? Why is he betraying his roots?
Subtext: This comment from August nicely foreshadows a later episode when August does something traceable on a School computer...
Subtext: What August means is that he's not sure Wilhelm has the same desire to be accultured into the upper class, to play the part of a proper prince, in the same way that he and Erik have accepted their roles and are even enjoying them.
Culture: Although it's impossible to read the name of the medicine, the paper tag on the bottle indicates that it's some kind of prescription medicine. From the conversation with Vincent, we learn that it's some kind of ADHD medication, probably some kind of Dextroamphetamine since those improve athletic ability and cognitive functions in healthy people.
Culture: Birkenstock sandals are associated with hippies in Sweden as well as in many parts of the world, so August is actually saying that the school counselor isn't really part of the same upper-class society as the rest of the staff. And again, his use of the word sosse drives the point home.
Subtext: Consequently, the counselor sees right through August and refuses to immediately prescribe him the medication that he wants...
Subtext: ...even though August tries to both bribe him and threaten him into giving him the medication he wants.
Subtext: A big theme of this episode is class journeys, and in this scene and a previous exercise scene, August gushes about how good a thing that is, how proud he is of Simon for going on one, and spouts some crap about how everyone can make it if they really want to.
Subtext: Thankfully, Madison says what we're all thinking: August is full of shit, life isn't fair, and they're only at the school because they were born into privilege.
Blink and you miss it: After Wilhelm has nervously texted his crush for the first time, he starts to bite his fingernails, but quickly stops himself, because why would he be nervous? He's just texting another boy about rowing practice, there's nothing more to it!
Subtext: Simon's texting game is on point though, he knows exactly what he should write to get Wilhelm to go on a totally-not-a-date with him.
Subtext: In the same way that August couldn't convince the counselor about being sick, I don't think Wilhelm's atrocious acting here convinces August that he's sick either.
Culture: Public transport in the greater Stockholm area - or wherever we're supposed to be - is of course cash-less, and you pay by either charging a special card, or by signing up in their app and buying tickets through there. The point of this scene though is to drive home how Wilhelm has never ever had to take the bus before in his life, and therefore has no idea how it works.
Culture: The totally-not-a-date starts at a Circle K, which in Sweden is just another gas station, but it is actually a Canadian multi-national convenience store corporation. The price of gas is of course posted in kr/l, and 13.98kr/l corresponds to roughly $6/gal.
Subtext: Throughout the totally-not-a-date, Wilhelm is trying to reach for common ground with Simon, trying to show him how he's just a regular guy...
Subtext: ...but then real life intrudes, Wilhelm is recognized by some local girls, who call out to him and run away giggling, which shows how he's not a regular guy, he's going to get recognized wherever he goes.
Culture: Kokt eller grillat, boiled or grilled, are the two ways you can get your hot-dog at pretty much any hot-dog place in Sweden, and ketchup and mustard is always offered. The correct answer to this question is of course grilled, with ketchup and mustard, and this just shows that Wilhelm is a man of culture and good taste. Unfortunately, they were out grilled ones, so they all got boring soggy boiled hot-dogs instead. Is there a metaphor here? I don't know.
Subtext: Again, the show drives home the point that absolutely no-one has a problem with people being gay. Simon is clearly out to Ayub and the rest of his friends, and Ayub immediately picks up on the fact that this is totally a date.
Blink and you miss it: Ayub nudges Simon with his elbow to tell him that he should make a move on Wilhelm.
Culture: What we're looking at is just the local junior/high school football team, Bjärstad, playing a match against some other unnamed junior football team. Since the stakes are super low, the audience basically consists of whichever parents and friends of the players that could be bothered showing up.
Culture: Driving age is 18 in Sweden, and even then getting your own car at that age is extremely uncommon. However, you can easily get a license for a moped when you turn 15, so these are the vehicles of choice for teenagers to get around.
Subtext: August found out about Wilhelm's trip to town, but his main problem with it is that he wants Wilhelm to stop slumming it with lower class people, and to start hanging out with everyone at school instead, so that he can be properly accultured into the upper class. Again, sosse in this context means working class, not socialist.
Subtext: Although Simon felt really great about his first date with Wilhelm, the text message reminds him that Wilhelm isn't a regular person, and that even this innocent little trip generates interest and scrutiny, and can't be posted publicly.
Culture: As everyone should have noticed by now, Madison keeps speaking English, while everyone speaks to her in Swedish, so clearly she understands it. But here she gives her motivation for sticking to English, and that is that she doesn't feel she's good enough at speaking Swedish. Boarding schools like Hillerska attracts international students that have some kind of connection to the country, so a likely scenario is that Madison grew up in the US with a Swedish parent, and she's being sent here to experience Swedish culture and get immersed in the language to learn it better.
Cinematography: This shot of August drives really home all the pressure he is under, he's out of drugs, the headmistress just hinted that he's out of money, and he's literally being weighed down by books and work-out weights.
Subtext: Simon has kept his visits to Micke a secret from Sara, so here he has to intervene to make sure August doesn't accidentally reveal this to her. He also wants to protect his sister, so he's redirecting August's search for drugs onto himself.
Subtext: And on the flipside, Simon isn't really telling his dad that Sara still hates him and really doesn't want to see him, so he's vague when Micke asks about Sara and Linda.
Culture: Finally a bottle of medicine where we can read the label! Unfortunately for Simon, this is Tramadol, an opiate prescribed for pain relief, which is the complete opposite of the kind of drugs August wants.
Subtext: If you haven't figured out yet that this episode is about class journeys, August spells it out for us here. However, the reason he's "congratulating" Simon in front of everybody is because Simon just supplied him with more drugs, so this is his way of thanking him, since he can't really pay him.
Blink and you miss it: For a split second, Wilhelm grabs Simon's leg during the scary scene.
Subtext: The entire dialogue of the movie works as subtext for what's actually going on between Wilhelm and Simon at this point, and Wilhelm is getting a little freaked out by this sneaky display of affection.
Subtext: The movie also puts words on the implications of Wilhelm getting together with a boy, what about having kids in the future? Can you carry on your family name and traditions, or will they die with you?
Lost in translation: The plaque actually says "FEEL YOUR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE HERITAGE". Even though the plaque means the heritage and legacy of the school itself, Wilhelm is thinking about his legacy, his heritage, and how getting together with Simon would threaten that.
Lost in translation: Wilhelm actually says "jag är inte en..." - "I'm not a..." before he stops himself. So it's not possible that he was trying to say "I'm not gay", because that doesn't work grammatically in Swedish either. He could be trying to say "I'm not a guy like that" or "I'm not a guy who likes guys", that would work.
Cinematography: The framing and silhouetting of this shot is just chef's kiss. The outline of their hair allows us to see who is who, and we can see from their poses that Simon is welcoming a kiss, while Wilhelm is still hesitating.
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Do you have any autistic Scout headcanons? :P
Hell yeah!
I’ve actually thought about this a lot. A lot of people might think that Scout has ADHD, but I think he either has both ADHD and autism or just autism.
This is both because labeling Scout as having just ADHD is kind of a low-hanging fruit, and I also want to explore his symptoms a little more. So, in a word, I do, and thank you for asking about them!
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Scout’s Spectrum:
So, where exactly does Scout fall on the autism spectrum?
First of all, he probably has both ADHD and autism, but wasn’t diagnosed with the latter until much later. This means that some of his symptoms were taken into account, but not all.
The ones that were paid attention to ramped up out of control, and the ones he didn’t hear about were stuffed away.
His ADHD symptoms include impulsiveness, need for stimulation, hyperfixations, forgetfulness, and insomnia; his autism symptoms include trouble with social skills, stimming, near inability to remember names and faces, lack of eye contact, hyperfixations again, and sensory processing issues, especially with noise and touch.
He used to have a lot of meltdowns when he was younger, usually about wearing new clothes and the amount of noise his eight brothers generated.
However, he was teased and pushed into masking nearly all the time, and made his whole personality about his ADHD, since that was what everyone accepted.
As he got older, he usually wrote off any autistic tendencies as either his ADHD or just “little habits” of his.
During his middle school years, he used energy drinks to bounce back from being exhausted every day after school. This would work, except those energy drinks would upset his ADHD, and would make it much harder to focus on even basic conversation.
After a while, he got such bad grades and had such a hard time making friends that Scout just stopped going to school altogether.
Baseball helped his focus, and the quick movement and thinking made a lot of sense to him. He never had to wait very long for the next development, and the instant gratification and community it provided supplemented what he never got at school.
With sports on his side, he rarely ever drank any energy drinks (the coach would never let them on the field), and he drank bucketfuls of water during every meet and game. Those teenage years were probably the healthiest he ever was.
However, with the amount of rumbles he got into with his brothers, and the turf wars that constantly raged in those neighborhoods, it was only a matter of time before his crime caught up with him.
After his first incarceration, he was booted from the team, which led to a downward spiral of unhealthy coping mechanisms - which included fighting someone tooth and nail whenever he could.
Even if he lost the fight, it not only catered to his impulsive nature and impatience, but also gave him roughly the same sense of friendship and camaraderie that baseball had.
One thing led to another, and by the time Mann Co. found him, Scout was a monster in hand to hand (and bat to bat) and had racked up quite the criminal record.
A perfect mercenary, ripe for the picking.
On The Team:
Scout very quickly adopted the “stupid, scrappy Boston boy” persona.
It was the only thing that made sense, and it kept him from having to try too hard in both the battlefield and socially.
Besides, that meant that he could be as silly, forgetful, and fidgety as he wanted, and no one would bat an eye.
And if he ever needed to take a break from the team, he figured everyone would appreciate the quiet.
The only thing that ever gave him away was him occasionally dissociating right when battle began, especially if the day had been stressful.
It was usually how he calmed down after a fight when he was young, but now he sometimes slid into that state when he was overwhelmed.
However, a yell from one of his teammates would usually snap him out of it.
Medic noticed this pretty early on, and wanted to look more into it, but Scout would keep making excuses not to get a mental examination.
He would blame it on zoning out, being tired, drinking too many Bonks - whatever it took for people to stop asking.
And, eventually, they did.
Even Medic stopped asking after a while - he couldn’t get a thing out of Scout.
This “try so little that when you do try it’s above average” charade worked for a long time. In fact, it went on for so long that Scout forgot how much he was actually capable of.
He began to internalize the stupidity, the exacerbation, the many comments on how dumb he was, everything.
The only time he ever gave his all was on the battlefield - moving fast, memorizing strategies, doing complicated footwork, knowing exactly how much force it took to crush someone’s skull with his bat.
That was one of the only things that he felt good doing, the only thing he could really work on without him being “found out.”
That and drawing, though he never showed the actual pieces to anyone. It was all stick figures and crooked lines with everyone else.
Sometimes, though, Scout wouldn’t be paying attention and he’d let something slip.
One time, Engineer was looking for his screwdriver, and couldn’t seem to find it anywhere.
Scout, not looking up from his comic, said, “Under the couch cushion, hard hat.”
Engineer bent down and reached into the couch, and his hand came back with his red and yellow striped screwdriver.
“Well I’ll be damned…”
At first Engineer thought Scout had just hid it, but Scout explained, still not paying attention:
“Last time we went out on th’ field, you had it on your belt, like always. But I was walkin’ by your workshop, you were usin’ a quarter to tighten a screw or somethin’. Your screwdriver had to be somewhere between the battlefield and your workshop. Engie, you’re like freakin’ clockwork. Every day, after a fight, you go to the kitchen, get a water, go to that couch, between the second and third cushion from the left, and sit there. Then ya go back to the fridge to get lunch and a beer, and ya go to your workshop until somebody needs you for somethin’. Your back loop in your tool belt is looser than all the others, ‘cause the screwdriver pulls against it when you sit down. The shank was probably in between the two cushions, and when you got up, it fell in. Demo, Pyro, and Heavy all sit on the second or third cushion at some point, so it got shimmied down. And since that’s the only time you sat down, ‘cause you woulda heard it if it dropped on the floor, and I…uh…”
“I’ll be damned,” Engie repeated, and felt the back tool belt loop. It was indeed loose.
Scout finally looked up, and realized what had happened.
“Uh, uh - l-lucky guess, huh Engie?”
Engineer squinted behind his goggles. “Yeah…real lucky…”
What ensued was Engie trying to get Scout to turn into a B.L.U Spy by chasing him around with his wrench. After a few good hits, though, Engineer saw that it was the teammate he knew and loved.
“But…how didja…?”
Scout threw his hand up, the other rubbing the back of his head where he’d been hit.
“I toldja Engie! Lucky guess! Jesus!”
Ever since then, Scout chose his words more carefully.
The Breakdown:
But, unfortunately, Scout could not pretend forever.
There was one week where Scout’s assignment count was so high that, if he wasn’t in a fight, he was on a mission.
Usually, Pauling wouldn’t trust him with so much, but no one else was available - or willing - to do the jobs.
Even when she was getting concerned about the amount of hours Scout was putting in, he blew it off.
“It’s no sweat, Miss Pauling! Their practically givin’ me the pay day. Those yahoos don’t know who they’re messin’ with.”
Over time, though, Scout had a harder and harder time staying focused and alert.
He’d sleep through alarms, stare off into space, zone out completely during briefing (not that he didn’t already do that), have a hard time hearing people in battle - even through his headset - ignore Spy’s taunts, and even forget to bring his bat onto the field.
Nothing seemed to help - Bonk!, warming up, stretching, cold showers, setting reminders, nothing.
And the team was starting to notice.
At first it was with the regular frustration - maybe Scout was just being lazy.
But as time went on, and his condition grew worse, their scorn turned into worry. They implored Medic to do something, but he had no way of getting through to Scout.
The doctor wasn’t above simply sedating him and dragging him into his lab for a check-up. However, he had a feeling that this was more than a physical issue.
The worst came when Scout was doing a routine battle with the B.L.U team on the field.
Everything had started out okay - he even remembered to bring his bad this time - but suddenly, everything was ear-splittingly loud.
He couldn’t focus on more than one sound at once, much less communicate the best course of action to his teammates.
He ended up hiding in a dilapidated shed, in a dusty, dark corner, somewhere between zoning out and panicking.
Scout’s head was in his knees, he was shaking, close to crying, when a sudden splitting of wood roused him.
A B.L.U Soldier had kicked his way into the shed, either having heard Scout or to hide from the other team.
Scout was stunned at first, but something of a blind terror filled him. He picked up his bat, screamed, and started pummeling the surprised Soldier.
At some point, he threw aside his bat and began to swing punch after punch, just like he did in his gang days when he had felt overwhelmed. Still screaming. Still crying.
By the time Scout had dissolved into a rocking, sobbing mess, the Soldier was long dead, with a gigantic pool of blood staining Scout’s shoes.
No one even knew where Scout was until a few hours later, when Spy heard a faint note of “Sexbomb” coming from Scout’s Walkman.
Scout had crawled into the shed’s framework, between the outer and inner wall, and was playing a specific verse over and over and over again, looking like he was on another plane of existence.
Spy immediately called for Medic, who had to lift Scout out by the underarms through a jagged hole in the side of the building. By then, the fight was over, so they could take him directly to the lab.
Medic’s Evaluation:
“I’m guessing zhis is your first mental breakdown?”
“Mental…doc, I ain’t crazy. Wait, you’re not goin’ to put me in a straight jacket, are ya?”
“If you’re not doing anyzhing later.”
Medic started to laugh, but quickly realized this might not be the time.
“No, Scout, everyvun has a mental breakdown at least vunce in their lives. It’s a…how do you say…a vake-up call of sorts. Vhen your body has no other options left.”
“Whaddya mean?”
“For zhe past few months, you health, both physical and mental, has been deteriorating. You eat less. You talk less. Your attacks are lackluster. You have bags under your eyes. You flinch vhen somevun yells for you. You stare off into space. Your routine, vhich usually has at least some changes, has become stringent, as if you can’t possibly expend any more energy into extra activities. You have avoided Demoman on zhe battlefield, even though you usually use him for cover.”
Medic flipped through his notes.
“I have pages and pages of your decline. However, as a scientist, I believe it is caused by zhe same source. And, though I usually respect my patient’s right to privacy vhen it comes to these sorts of matters, I believe you’ve been keeping something from me. Something that I should know as your general practitioner…your doctor.”
Scout shrugged, already shutting out the conversation.
Medic sighed.
“Maybe I tried to talk to you about zhis too soon. After all, you’ve just had a very sudden and exhausting episode. But…perhaps…”
Medic took a sheet of printer paper from his clipboard and a spare pen from his pocket.
“…zhere is an alternative.”
Scout was still unresponsive, but Medic continued.
“Zhere is a patient in my vaiting room vis a metal pole through the chest. It vill take me at least an hour to properly remove it, and a few minutes more to heal zhe area. Vhile I do zhat, vhy don’t you draw how you feel?”
Medic smiled.
“I know how much it grounds you.”
It wasn’t until Medic left that Scout actually picked up the pen, but he began drawing immediately.
For the first time in a while, he wasn’t trying to hide his strokes or scratch up the cleaner lines. No more stick figures. No more pretending.
Five minutes later, he was fully engrossed.
Medic started to walk in at one point, but, seeing how relaxed Scout was, decided to give him a few more minutes.
He deserved it.
#tf2#tf2 scout#scout tf2#tf2 headcanons#headcanon requests#tf2 mercs#autism#autistic community#autistic culture#red team#blu team#valve games
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Books Bring People Together
Summary: A frustrated and stuck Kaminari comes to you for help, and it somehow blooms into something else along the way.
TW: I made Kaminari ADHD, so I'm sorry if there's anything wrong, I went off what my ADHD friends do and what a medical site told me. I myself am not ADHD, so again, I apologize if there's anything wrong with this. Small swears, and Mineta, which should be a warning in and of itself.
A/N: I have had this half-baked idea stuck in my head for months and I wanted it out, so I am giving you all this!
"Hey, um, (Y/L/N), can I ask you something?" Kaminari asked, sliding into the chair across from you at the common room table.
"Sure, what's up?" you asked, setting your pencil down on the paragraph you were reading.
"Um, this is kind of embarrassing," Kaminari admitted. "But, um, I'm having a really hard time with English right now, and I know that you're right behind Bakugou in grades."
"Where are you going with this Kaminari?" you asked, crossing your arms in front of your chest.
You had heard things about Kaminari, and after meeting Mineta and knowing that Kaminari hung around with him, you didn't have the best impression of him. You had just been placed in Class 2-A, and so far you had mostly hung around with what the other students were calling the 'Dekusquad'.
"I need someone to tutor me," he admitted. "Normally English isn't all that hard for me, but Shakespeare is whack and I don't understand half of it."
"You want me," you started, "to tutor you. Why not ask Bakugou? Isn't he your friend?"
"Yeah, but . . . Bakugou has . . . harsh methods, and I need someone who won't treat me like an idiot," Kaminari confessed.
"Alright," you relented. "Why don't we get started now? Do you have anything going on?"
"No, this takes precedent," Kaminari said, rushing to grab his things.
"Alright, here's my question for you," you said when he propped his book open. "Why don't you understand?" You saw the look on his face change and you winced. "Sorry, sometimes I have a hard time controlling the tone of my voice. Let me rephrase that question." You paused for a moment, thinking of the right words before you said, "What about this don't you understand? What's the one thing about this that trips you up?"
"The formatting for one thing," Kaminari grumbled. "Why the hell is printed like that?"
You chuckled, brushing hair out of your face. You had thought the same thing the first time you had read Shakespeare.
"Alright, how about you just read, and then you can ask me any questions while I work on my own stuff, alright?"
"That sounds like it might work," he admitted.
"If that doesn't work, feel free to let me know," you told him. "This is about what helps you remember the material better."
"No, like I said, normally this is really easy for me," Kaminari said. "Let's try it."
"Alright, and remember, if you have any questions, I'm right here."
"Thanks (Y/L/N)," he mumbled.
"Of course, I wouldn't be much of a hero if I couldn't help people, right?" you mused, smiling at him.
"R-Right!" he chirped, grinning back at you.
You both worked in silence for a little bit before Kaminari leaned back in his chair, rubbing at him eyes.
"You okay?" you asked.
"Yeah, sorry, I'm ADHD, so sitting still and trying to read this is a little hard," he confessed. "And I might be dyslexic, I've never been tested but sometimes reading is hard for me."
You frowned, biting the inside of your lip, running the situation through your head.
"What if I read it to you?" you asked, looking up from your chemistry homework.
"How? It's a play," Kaminari said.
"I used to be in a drama club in middle school," you told him. "It's set up like a script, or if we don't have the energy to act it out, it's not hard to pretend that it's a regular story."
Kaminari stared at you for a moment before he nodded.
"Yeah, yeah I think that might work a little bit better than me staring at the same paragraph for fifteen minutes without actually reading anything."
"What part are you on?" you asked Kaminari, moving to glance over his shoulder at the page.
"Portia is trying to convince Brutus to tell her what's going on in her house. I think."
"Oh, I adore this part," you muttered, mostly to yourself. "Alright, what has you stuck?"
"This part. 'I grant I am a woman; but withal A woman well-reputed,
Cato's daughter. Think you I am no stronger than my sex, Being so father'd and so husbanded? Tell me your counsels, I will not disclose 'em: I have made strong proof of my constancy, Giving myself a voluntary wound Here, in the thigh: can I bear that with patience.
And not my husband's secrets?' I don't entirely understand what she's saying."
Wow, English must've been his thing, he didn't mess up a single word, and he was able to read it fairly fluently, everything considered. It might have taken him a little longer than normal, but he had nailed it.
"Okay, so she's basically telling Brutus that she won't tell his secrets if he tells her what's going on, it doesn't matter if she's a woman or not."
"What was with the voluntary wound thing?"
"So, it depends. Sometimes, in plays, the women playing Portia will have a fake knife and stab themselves in the thigh, other times they pretend to slice themselves, depends on the director," you told him. "She basically cut herself on the thigh and said, 'If I can handle this I can handle whatever's going on inside your head.' Do you understand?"
"Yeah, but damn, this woman is a badass," Kaminari said, staring down at the pages."
"Right? Some people read that as psychotic, but it's Shakespeare," you told him, "everything in Shakespeare is psychotic to some extent."
"That's fair. Thank you for explaining that to me," he said.
"Of course, that is why you came to me," you replied, laying a hand on his shoulder for a moment before you moved back to your seat.
Kaminari, despite the things you had heard, was actually quite intelligent, it just took him a little longer to get the answer sometimes.
"Thank you so much for helping me," Kaminari murmured. "You were super helpful."
"Of course, I actually enjoyed helping you," you told him. "And if you need any more help, please, let me know."
"I will, thank you so much (Y/L/N)," Kaminari repeated.
"Have a good night Kaminari," you told him.
"You too!" he chirped before he headed up to his room.
You sat down at the table again, staring at the chemical formula in front of you.
So, if zinc only had one charge, positive two, and it was combined with thiosulfate, that meant that there shouldn't be the need for two of the zinc atoms, they would make the charge neutral.
You wrote the answer down, checking the textbook to make sure you were right. Polyatomic ions were a little more complicated than monoatomic ions.
There were only a few more questions, and then you could go to bed too, and you just hoped that there were no trick questions.
You were the last one in the common room, as usual, despite assuring Iida that you were right behind him when he went to bed an hour ago.
"Alright (Y/F/N), time for some good sleep," you muttered, shutting your book and gathering your supplies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You had been tutoring Kaminari for about six weeks, and he was definitely smarter than people gave him credit for. Sometimes he just needed a few minutes to think, or he needed something explained to him in a different way than everyone else.
Sero had been joining your little tutoring sessions too, and you had started doing them in Sero's room, since there were things Kaminari could mess with while he studied, and it was an environment where he didn't feel the need to prove himself.
"Hey, (Y/L/N), can you help me with this problem?" Sero asked, waving you over.
"Of course, what are we working on?" you inquired.
"Polyatomic ions, again," Sero said. "I need this extra credit."
"Alright, which one are you stuck on?"
"How do I figure out which Roman numeral goes here? Gold has multiple charges."
"You work backwards," you told him. "When you look at the formula, you need to figure out what charge dihydrogen phosphate has."
You gestured to the chemical formula.
"It has a negative one charge. Right?" Sero inquired, checking the list of common ions that the teacher had given them at the beginning of the unit.
"Right, and you have three of those ions, right?"
"Yeah, because there's a subscripted three outside the parentheses."
"So you have three of those, which means that those three together have a negative three charge."
"Right."
"So now you just have to figure out which gold variant has the right charge to cancel that one out."
"Well, there's only one gold atom, so it's gold three right?"
"Bingo, you got it."
"Oh, that makes it so much easier than what I was doing," he muttered, erasing the math he had been doing, writing down the way you had just shown him.
"(Y/L/N), can you come read through this essay for me?" Kaminari asked. "I think it's okay, but I need another eye on this."
"Sure, hand it over," you told him, taking the papers that he had handed to you.
You grabbed one of your signature blue pens and uncapped it, ready to mark anything you thought he could do better.
There wasn't as much as you were expecting. While Kaminari had a hard time interpreting things, once he understood, he was golden. He had a way with words, you noticed as you scanned through the paper he needed to hand in next class. You assumed that it gave him time to think about the right phrasing of things.
Other than a few grammatical and spelling errors, the paper was well written, and there was nothing major that needed fixing.
"Good job Kami, this is really good," you told him, ruffling his hair lightly.
He responded well to physical affection and praise, you had also noticed, and he made it easy.
Once you got past the typical shield he threw up, he was a nice guy with insecurities, just like everyone else.
He chuckled, leaning into your hand.
You noticed that the others didn't touch Kaminari as much as you did, despite having known him for much longer. They were worried about getting shocked, Sero had told you.
"Why though? He's never shocked me," you had told him.
"He can't control it sometimes, it builds up in his body and it needs an out."
"Well, that still no reason to stop touching him," you had mused. "If he shocks me he shocks me, it's really no big deal."
Kaminari had only shocked you once, during a thunderstorm when there had been a lot of lightning outside. He had gotten excited about getting a 90 on one of his tests, and had hugged you, giving you a slight shock.
He had apologized profusely, but you had waved his apologies off.
"It's okay Kaminari," you told him. "It happens to all of us sometimes."
You were finding yourself thinking about him more than you should've. You had become good friends with both him and Sero, and the other students had started coming to you when they had a question, but Kaminari was a little different.
It had started out with the flirty comments, but slowly those had turned into real compliments. He had been keeping Mineta away from you more and more, and he had even started laying off the perving with the grape rat.
He was a good guy, he really was, despite the playboy attitude. He was sweet, and he was just like every other person in the world.
"Thanks for tutoring us both," Kaminari said as the session was coming to a close.
"Yeah, you're really saving our asses," Sero agreed.
"Of course, come to me any time," you told them both, smiling as you made to head back to your own room.
"Hey, um, (Y/L/N), can I ask you something?" Kaminari asked.
"Sure. You know how much I love questions," you teased, smiling at him. Then you noticed his expression. "Kami?"
"Will . . . will you-" he chuckled awkwardly, messing with the seam of his pant leg. "Can you read something to me?"
"Yeah, of course," you said. "What is it?"
He handed you the book, and you smiled.
"My dad used to read this to me when I was little. I think that's why I love books so much," you admitted. "That was before . . . well, it doesn't matter now. Come on, we can head down to the common room if you want. Or your room, it doesn't really matter to me."
You had visited Kaminari's room on more than one occasion to return things to him, he tended to be a little forgetful, and he had often left things with you.
Despite the fact that everything you had learned about society told you that you should avoid being alone in a room with a boy, you trusted Kaminari enough to be alone in a room with him.
"I really like to read too," he confessed. "But sometimes my brain doesn't like to let me do it."
"I understand, it's okay," you told him, touching his arm lightly. "Are you sure that you'll be able to sit still long enough for me to get through any of it?"
Kaminari, after spending so much time with you over the last few weeks, had figured out how your voice worked, and he rarely got offended by your tone of voice anymore, which you were thankful for.
"Yeah, I like the sound of your voice, it helps calm me down. I think I might pay attention more if you read it to me."
"Alright, sure, let's go," you said, holding the book to your chest.
You knew this book like the back of your hand, and you had a feeling that Kaminari was telling the truth when he said he would be able to pay attention.
Kaminari followed you into the common room of the dorms, trailing just slightly behind, but he was in front of you the moment Mineta tried to get to you.
It amazed you how fast he could move sometimes, when he really wanted to.
"Get lost Mineta," you said. "I have nothing to say to you."
Mineta opened his mouth but a raised brow from Kaminari had him shutting it and heading to his own room so he could think his pervy thoughts in peace.
"I can't believe I was ever friends with that perv," Kaminari whispered. "I think I owe a lot of the girls apologies."
Kaminari glanced over his shoulder, and you smiled at him, linking your hands together.
You were proud of him, he had really grown lately, and you were glad that he was seeing how uncomfortable he had made the girls.
"I'm proud of you," you told him, and he beamed.
He responded well to praise, and being told that he had done a good job.
"Come on, we'll have to go to bed soon if we don't want Iida to lecture us again," you said, sitting down on one of the couches.
Kaminari sat down next to you, leaning his head on your shoulder as your propped the book open.
You didn't mind the fact that Kaminari was a little clingy, the contact was nice, and he always radiated warmth, though whether that was his normal body temperature or he ran hot because of his quirk, you didn't know.
You started the book off, barely having to look at the words as you read, changing your voice as necessary, stopping every once in a while to explain a word to Kaminari that he didn't understand, or to answer a question that he had.
It was nice, spending time with him like this, simply because he wanted to, not because he was going to fail a subject.
Somehow he had ended up with his head on your thighs, and you had one hand buried in his hair, brushing it away from his face, your fingers carding through it softly.
He was making a content noise in the back of his throat, and you smiled down at him, finishing up a chapter.
"Do you want to go to bed?" you asked softly, not wanting to disturb him too much, he had enough trouble sleeping as it was.
He hummed softly, leaning into your hands, and you smiled down at him softly.
You had never been one for crushes, they had seemed pointless, and there had never been a person who had caught your attention like this.
You had thought about it, of course, what it would be like to be in a relationship, but you had never thought that you would have to worry about it.
Well now you were worrying about it.
That nameless, faceless person that had been with you in those daydreams was starting to look frighteningly like Kaminari.
You had panicked when it had first started happening, until you realized that it would probably fade. You had had a friend in middle school who had a new crush every week, and you had assumed that it would fade with time.
It hadn't. That uneasiness that had popped up around him slowly melted into a nice warmth whenever he was close. You had started to stop worrying about whether he would like this, or hate that, and had started to show your true colors.
He had seemed to like you even more when you had started doing that, and you were glad.
But the only bad thing was that now you were noticing other things. His hands lingered a little longer than necessary when he helped you during training, his smile always seemed brighter when you made him laugh. His eyes always seemed to follow you around the common room, and he sometimes appeared at your side when you walked in.
You weren't sure if you just overthinking things or if he might like you back.
But this wasn't a simple crush anymore. You weren't sure what it was. It was a little too early to be love (even though it was just a rush of chemicals in the brain meant for human survival), but it was way past a simple crush.
Was there another step between a crush and love? Was this going to end with your heart breaking? Was there even a chance that he might like you back?
These were things that you kept in the back of your mind until you were alone in your room. Worrying about them in his presence made him worry about you, and you didn't want him to worry about you if he didn't need to.
"Kami, seriously, you need to go to bed."
"If I do, so do you," he told you, making you chuckle.
"I'll go to bed if you will. You are in my lap after all," you teased, pulling your hands away.
"That's fair," he murmured, stifling a yawn.
"Go to bed Kami," you whispered, standing up as soon as your legs were free.
They had fallen asleep a while ago, but you hadn't had the heart to move him.
"Alright," he mumbled, stumbling towards his dorm room.
You smiled softly, heading for yours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You weren't sure what woke you up hours later. Maybe it was the three glasses of water you had drank before bed, or maybe it was the fact that your brain hated you almost as much as Kaminari's hated him.
You stretched, pulling a hoodie on over the tank top and shorts that you had gone to bed in, heading for the common room.
You weren't going back to bed any time soon, so you might as well get some studying done with a nice cup of tea or something.
You were almost surprised to see Kaminari sitting at the common room table with his books out.
"Denki? What are you doing?" you mumbled, wandering over.
"(Y/L/N)? What are you doing up?"
"I could ask you the same thing," you murmured, plopping into the seat next to him.
"Couldn't sleep, my brain went into overdrive the minute I tried to fall asleep."
"I at least got a good four or five hours in," you replied. "But it's Friday night, I should be sleeping in."
"What woke you up?" he asked, laying a hand on your thigh.
Kaminari, you had noticed, liked having his hands on you.
Not in the perverted way you had expected though. He liked having a hand on your thigh or on the small of your back. He liked an arm around your shoulders or his arm linked with yours when you all took class outings. He liked being close to you.
"No idea. It might've been a nightmare," you admitted. "I remember faint flashes, but it might've been something else."
"Are you going to be able to go back to bed?"
"Nah, I'll be up for a good while," you told him, leaning into his shoulder.
"Anything I can do to help?" he asked.
"Can you just . . . talk to me?" you inquired. "I like listening to you talk about things. Calms me down."
"What do you want to know about?"
"Anything. Everything. You."
"Did you know that I have a cat named Marshmellow?"
"What? No," you said, perking up a little bit. You had always been an animal person.
"Yeah. He's the spawn of the devil, but I didn't know that when I named him. All white, pretty blue eyes. Pure fucking evil," Kaminari told you, taking his phone out to show you a photo.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, he absolutely despises me," Kaminari said, handing his phone over to you. "Loves my sister though, so he isn't a complete psychopath."
"He's a cat, can animals even be psychopaths?" you asked, moving your seat closer to his.
"No idea, but it wouldn't surprise me if he is," Kaminari said, chuckling.
"You're right, he is pretty," you murmured, flipping through the photos quickly.
Kaminari hummed, but when you glanced up he was looking at you.
He had that look on his face, the look that he sometimes got when he looked at you. It was one of the reasons you wondered if he liked you or not. He looked like he was in pain when gave you that look.
"Denki?" you inquired softly.
"Hmm?"
"Why are you looking at me like that? Like you're in pain? Like you're hurt?" you asked.
You didn't like the way your voice sounded. That little hint of insecurity snuck in, your voice had that clogged sound it got when you tried not to cry.
You weren't sure whether you could handle his response to that, but you needed to know if being around you caused him pain. You needed to know if there was any chance that he hated being in your presence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Kaminari's POV)
Pain, huh?
Yeah, this was definitely pain, seeing her like this, swaddled in a hoodie he had left in her room accidently a week ago, covering her shorts, making her legs look a mile long.
He had tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the feeling in his chest every time he looked at her, tried to ignore the blatant male pride that came with seeing her draped in his hoodie, but he was only human after all.
Denki, after spending so much time with a girl that didn't tend to pull her punches, he knew how uncomfortable he had made the girls with all of his comments. He now knew how it made them feel when he said some of the things he had.
Denki never wanted her or any of the other girls to feel like that again, and he wanted to ignore some of the things that were running through his head, but she was making it hard when she looked at him like that, when she said his name the way that she just had.
"Denks?" she asked softly, moving to get a better look at his face.
Denki had never had a crush, not a real one anyway. He had had his eyes on Jirou first year, but that had been fleeting.
He was flirty, it was just his nature, but this feeling whenever he looked at her . . . that was completely new on him.
"Denki, are you okay?" she asked, putting her hands on his face lightly, making him look at her.
"Do you have any idea what you do to me?" Denki asked, placing his hands over hers. "I wasn't sure whether you felt the same way and I didn't want to mess anything up."
"Denki? What are you saying?" she asked, eyes bright with hope as she looked at him, running her thumb over his cheek softly, almost absentmindedly.
"I like you, (Y/F/N), I like you a lot, and this isn't some . . . three A.M. spur of the moment confession, but . . . it kind of is. The point is that you're smart, and all kinds of gorgeous, and there's so many things about you I wish I could list, but words aren't my thing, and I know that I'm rambling, but I really can't stop 'cause I'm terrified of what your response is gonna be and I don't want to fuck anything up and-"
"Denki," she cut in, smiling at him the way she did when she was fondly exasperated with him. "You have nothing to worry about. Absolutely nothing. I like you too."
"Why?"
Even Denki was surprised by the amount of confusion in his own voice.
"Because you're a dork," she stated. "Because you're smart, even if people don't always see it right away. Because you want to be a hero, because you like to make a difference. Because in the end, you're a good guy, when you get past the playboy attitude and shitty pickup lines. Because you're cute and all kinds of soft. Because apparently I have a thing for hyperactive morons with screwed up hair."
"Rude," he muttered, but she smiled at him even wider, and he knew that it was worth it.
"Am I wrong?" she asked softly, swinging her legs around to get closer to him.
"No, but that doesn't mean that I'm happy about it," he mumbled, pouting slightly.
She gave a small giggle, something that rarely happened, and Denki smiled, wide and unburdened.
"So, what do you say about going on a date?" he asked, tucking her hair behind her ear to get a better look at his face.
"I think that's the smartest thing you've ever said to me," she teased.
Denki pouted again and she touched his nose lightly, making it crinkle in response.
"That wasn't a no," she told him, wrapping her arms around his neck softly.
"You know, this looks good on you," he whispered, touching the hem of the hoodie carefully. "And it looks very familiar."
"It does?" She pulled away to look down at it and her eyes went wide. "I didn't even know it was yours. I just threw it on on my way down here. When did you even . . . .?"
"I left in there like a week ago," Denki informed her. "I thought you had just kept it."
"I didn't know it was in there," she admitted. "But I'm not sorry that I'm in it, it's very comfortable."
"We can share custody," he murmured.
"We'll have to," she agreed. "I don't think I can deal with never wearing this again. You actually have good taste in hoodies."
"Why are you so surprised by this?" he asked.
"Because most of the time your style seems all over the place," she replied. "But that's not a bad thing. It makes you unique."
"Normal is overrated."
"A normal sleep schedule is not," she said, standing up. She grabbed his hands, pulling him to his feet. "Come on, we can chill in my room if you want to."
"You aren't nervous about having me in there?" Denki asked.
"No, because I know that if you try anything I can knock you on your ass. I also trust you," she told him, linking their fingers together softly. "Is this okay?"
"More than okay," he breathed, stepping close enough to brush their shoulders together.
He could get used to this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Your POV)
It was a rare day when you and Denki got a day off together. Being heroes was tiring, and schedules were always weird, so when you both got a day off together, you always spent them together.
"You're up early," Denki murmured, slipping in behind you from where you were sitting on the window seat of your apartment.
He wrapped his arms around your waist, burying his face in your neck.
"The baby woke me up," you said.
Said baby padded into the roof, tail high in the air, a smug look on that cute furry face as he jumped up onto the seat, curling up in your lap.
"Marshmellow, don't lay on my book," you muttered, pulling the book out.
"Told you, he's fuckin' evil," Denki murmured, kissing your shoulder lightly.
His shirt was slipping off your shoulder, and Denki treated uncovered skin like a target, regardless.
"How long have you been up?" he asked.
"Only an hour or two, and you looked so peaceful, I felt bad waking you up. I know that you've been getting more action than I have these last few weeks," you murmured, taking one of his hands, kissing his palms softly, leaning back into his warmth.
"I love you," Denki hummed.
"I love you too Denks," you told him.
"Read to me?" he requested, and you smiled.
"Always," you replied, finding your spot in your book again.
#denki kaminari x reader#denki x reader#kaminari fluff#kaminari x reader#kaminari x reader fluff#denki x reader fluff#mha#mha kaminari
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I just need to talk about this...
This is going to be something completely different from my usual content on my blog, but I need to talk about this because I am still livid.
This is most likely going to turn into a long-winded rant, so I will provide a TLDR.
TLDR: A psychiatric nurse practitioner said it would not be worth doing diagnostic testing for Autism and ADD/ADHD because I have good grades and a healthy long term romantic relationship.
For some background, I have been doing online college for two years and with the pandemic I have been by myself a lot more. This gave me more time for self-reflection, and I have always been interested in psychology. I decided to look into ADHD for a new topic to learn about, and when researching I related to the symptoms associated with it. I found myself diving deep into this topic like I do with everything I enjoy learning about and eventually found myself researching Autism because of the comorbidity of the conditions. I also related with some, if not most, of the symptoms associated with Autism, to some degree.
So, I slowly introduced the idea to my parents and boyfriend that I thought I might have both or one of the conditions. My parents were quite dismissive, but my boyfriend thought that my suspicions held some merit. But that was enough for me to go back to getting mental health services. My anxiety and depression were/are also worsening, so I wanted to get back into it anyway. I got a therapist and told her about my suspicions, and we talked about it. She also thought that it would be worth getting me tested for the conditions. So, she got me set up with a psychiatrist to possibly get me set for testing. (Quick side note: the last time I was tested for anything was when I was around the age of twelve and I almost twenty now.)
Surprisingly, I was looking forward to this appointment because of the prospect of getting testing planned, which my therapist assured me I could set up. If you have had a psychiatric appointment, you will know that they will take your medical information like weight, height, etc. That portion went without a hitch, but I was still masking like I usually do with strangers in public.
When I was called back, I was initially encouraged by the fact he was younger than any of my previous psychiatrists hoping that he would be more open minded. I decided that I was not going to mask when I was in the room, so hopefully he can get a more accurate visual assessment. Then when my mother and I got to the room and sat down he introduced himself as a “mental health nurse practitioner.” But I was under the impression that he was a doctor, I brushed this off as a misunderstanding on my part because it is something I often do. Since it was a first visit, we went over the basics like medical history, mental health history, medications, etc. But, when I brought up the possibility of me having something else besides/alongside my current diagnoses, I was dismissed. Then I finally brought up getting testing done for ADD/ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder, and he asked me how I am doing in school. And I had good grades last semester. Next, he asked about my relationships, and of course I told him that I have a boyfriend who I have been with for almost four years. He decided that those two things alone were enough to say that he did not see a need for testing. Because according to him “it is not affecting me enough for it to be worth getting a diagnosis.” This man had the nerve to tell me that with me rocking back and forth, playing with a fidget toy to keep me calm and present, me making very little eye contact, both or one of my legs bouncing, and even after I told him that my father has diagnosed ADD and my brother has diagnosed ASD. Maybe if he looked anywhere besides my chest for a few seconds, he might have seen some of what I was doing. He attributed everything he was seeing and what I was telling him to my anxiety. Yes, I was quite anxious because I am horrible with crowds and strangers, which I told him. I also have lots of anxiety regarding medical settings because of chronic illnesses and mental issues. But of course, my people pleasing self just accepted this and did not press any further.
As soon as I was out of the building, I began telling my mom that it was not fair at all that he would not even consider letting me get testing. I also explained to her that he was going based of the typical, male associated symptoms of both conditions. “Does he not know that both ADHD and Autism present differently in women,” was what I asked my mom while trying not to cry out of anger in the car. Because I thought that I could finally get an explanation and label for why I am so different, and it was just taken from me. Even though this happened only a few days ago, I feel so much more isolated and invalidated than I did before the appointment. Having the opportunity to make sense of my life and myself being ripped away from me has effected much more than I thought it would.
I knew that it was harder for females to get a diagnosis for these things, but I was at least hoping that it would not be the case for me. It sounds naïve now, but my therapist validating me gave me hope that it would be different. My mom and I are looking into other people who might give me a chance to get tested and hopefully it will go better than that did. Although, I should not be surprised about any of this happening, mental health services in my state are a joke anyway.
Anyway, if you made it this far congrats you made it too the end of this way too long post. Thanks for reading what I had to say. This is not really adding anything to the discussion, but I just needed to tell someone, so again thank you for reading.
#mental health#mental illness#autism#adult adhd#add#adhd#neurodivergencies#asd#neurodivergent#undiagnosed autism#undiagnosed neurodivergent#emotional#feelings#tw rant#autistic women#adhd women#disability#mental help#neurodiversity#vent#rant post#invalidation#nd#aspergers#autistic spectrum#autism spectrum condition#attention defecit#attention deficit hyperactivity disorder#vent post#undiagnosed adhd
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snake primary + snake secondary (bird model)
Hello! I recently discovered your blog and really love the thought you’ve put into the nuances of the SHC system. I’m super into these kinds of personality analysis systems (I’ve probably been through them all at this point) because I think it’s interesting to know how people tick - I also think self-awareness is important so that you know why you do what you do, essentially. I took the SHC quiz and it told me I was a Snake Primary with a Bird Model, and a Bird Secondary with a Snake Model. I agree that I’m probably a (somewhat petrified) Snake Primary with a strong Bird Model, but I’m not sure which is my true secondary and which is the model. Maybe you can help?
I can sure try :)
Some things about me: I’m an oldest daughter, and I’m almost 100% sure my dad is a Bird Snake and I *idolized* him as a child - I thought he had it all figured out. He was the Zeus to my Athena in my child’s eyes, and I think I got my Bird primary model very early from copying him.
I mean, I know what you mean in a “sole creator” sense, but there is no *way* Athena thought Zeus had it all figured out.
My two younger brothers are a Lion Snake and a Lion Badger, and my mother is possibly a Double Badger, though I’m not as sure about her - maybe she just thinks that she *should* be a Double Badger.
I think all that is important to help illustrate that I didn’t really feel *at home* when I was with my family, though I loved them, since I was the only Snake. My parents also had a terrible relationship and are now divorced, so there’s that as well. I think the only time I have ever been truly morally outraged was the revelation that my dad had engaged in infidelity against my mom, and then again when he started dragging his feet over a promise the he had made my youngest brother. We didn’t speak for a long time after that incident, but I was really cut up over dropping him.
Oh yeah. That’s very Snake primary. Morally outraged because your People are getting hurt.
We eventually started to reconcile, and the only reason we did was because he called and said he was driving through my city one day, and even after all of that, I said yes to meeting up because I felt sad that I had dropped him.
I think this family dynamic, plus some other childhood stuff, led to me sort of “checking out” and petrifying pretty early.
Just a theory - I think it’s possible that this hit your secondary more than it hit your primary. You seem pretty strong and confident in your Snake primary so far. Even the fact that you can identify it coming from such a non-Snake environment, and don’t feel guilty about it, is big.
I had a lot of trouble making friends in school.
I’m thinking this might be more of a secondary thing.
and generally ended up with like one friend who was the other weird girl, and who I always sort of kept at arm’s length emotionally. I moved schools several times as a kid and after the first best friend (who was the daughter of my mom’s best friend and was like a sister to me until she moved away), I really didn’t try too hard to make new “best” friends.
Hmm. See, this reads like a *default* friend to me, not a friend of choice. The other weird girl. The daughter of your mom’s friend. That’s an easy friend to have… and not one that you necessarily sought out. I’m not surprised that your primary didn’t latch onto her with that Snake intensity.
Even now, though I definitely have concentric circles of loyalty and a significant other who is my “top person”, I’m not sure I have that blind Snake I-would-literally-die-for-you loyalty toward anyone - I’d kill or hide a body for my top circles
That *is* Snake loyalty. Snakes aren’t going to die for someone else, are you kidding? That’s a sucker’s game. They value themselves too much.
I would give up a lot of my own comfort for my significant other. Maybe I’m just afraid to let myself feel that unquestioning loyalty, though I want to feel it, or maybe I’m really a Bird and just want to be a Snake because that would mean I could be un-broken eventually.
Let’s talk about your secondary, I want to hear about how you think you’re broken, because so far you seem fine. Congrats on the SO!
I don’t think I’m an Idealist though - I’m surrounded by them and I know I don’t care about “principles” the way they do. Then again, maybe I’m a Bird whose truth is that moral relativism is the truth lol. Anyway, I think for my primary, I’m probably a petrified Snake with a Bird model unless I’m totally wrong about myself.
I think you’re just a Snake who… is a Snake.
(you’ve got that Birdy influence though, from your dad, and they do like to complicate things.)
As for my secondary, I loved to read (everything - all kinds of fiction, especially sci-fi/fantasy/mystery and, like, Victorian sci-fi/horror adventures, nature books, medical texts, etc. Wikipedia was a revelation when it came out), and I was smart and good at taking tests and knowing the answers in school, so at a certain point I think I just defaulted to being “the smart one” and used that as armor to help keep people from getting too close.
yep yep yep, welcome to the ‘fun Bird model’ club, we have snacks
I do genuinely love to learn, and I’ve always been known among friends and family as the one who either knows the answer or will look it up. I love pop culture trivia and nature facts. I also love and am good at debate, but not really when real feelings are involved - I more love the “battle of wits” aspect, where I can match up against a person to see if my knowledge and ability to adapt my argument on the fly can stump them.
I also would argue the unpopular point, or the point I didn’t agree with, just for sport. Fun Bird secondary model.
I developed terrible anxiety and probably some depression as well in high school.
Okay, now I’m seeing the problem.
and now that I’m older, I suspect that I may have ADHD, though I haven’t been officially assessed. I didn’t discover my executive function issues really until college, when suddenly being smart and being able to figure out the test answers through context clues and what I remembered from lectures and readings + whatever trivia I had gathered about the topic wasn’t enough anymore.
I suspect you’re right about being ADHD. Or at least being neruodivergent.
I am horrible at studying! I would plan out my study sessions and make these nice little cheat sheets (these were allowed on exams) and they didn’t work at all! I did very well in my literature minor though, because all the graded assignments were papers rather than open-answer tests, and I could get my thoughts out better and with more resources at my disposal if I forgot something and needed to go back to the book to check.
Oh ouch. Yeah, I’m not even relating this back to a secondary, because I’m reading this as a working memory thing? Like ugh tests are such a terrible way access knowledge. What is even the *point* of memorization anymore? You should have been able to have a college career that was completely writing papers, like I did.
I was at one point very jealous of my Lion Snake brother, who I felt could do “whatever he wanted” with minimal consequences, while I always felt constrained by being “good” and not rocking the boat too much with my family.
Yep. That’s being an oldest daughter.
I couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem to care about being considerate to everyone else in the household (especially my chronically overworked, can’t-say-no Badger mom lol).
It’s because he’s the youngest. Mine’s the same.
This attitude was definitely influenced by my anxiety issues at that time, since I had (and still have) a lot of trouble asking for anything - help, permission, whatever. I’d rather do things and explore on my own, without anyone watching, so I don’t have to ask and don’t have to explain.
Did you low-key raise your younger siblings? Because it sounds like you raised your siblings.
I feel better with a little bit of distance, and definitely wear masks in most situations. I’d say my masks are half conscious and half reactive - I do have some idea of how I’d like to be perceived, but it’s only kind of systematic.
That makes me think Snake or Badger secondary.
I have a few “characters” that I use as touchpoints when I’m going into a new situation, but once I’m there I mostly just act nice and funny and see what happens.
So far I’m going with Badger secondary (be nice and and assume it’ll be fine is very badger) with a fun Bird secondary model, that you can do an Actor Bird thing with. Although liking to “just see what happens” is pretty snake.
The characters are really just costumes I use to give off a certain first impression, although I do really like the costumes and find them fun. I love clothes, makeup, and perfume too, because I enjoy the idea of making multidimensional costumes for different settings. I actually enjoy the mask a lot of the time - I have tattoos that are purposefully in places that I can cover easily, because I enjoy the idea that there’s something under the professional mask that people only know about if I show them. I’m a bit socially awkward I think (I repeat myself and talk a lot), but most people tend to either like me or tolerate me, and I don’t get into a lot of interpersonal conflicts.
Hm. Either Courtier Badger or Snake secondary, fun Bird secondary model. However. Especially after talking about your Actor Bird in such fun, positive, happy language… I am going to call you out for “socially awkward” and “people tolerate me.” Which tells me you don’t have as much faith in your social skill set, and it’s *maybe* a little burnt.
(Also, not to get too armchair psychologist tell-me-about-your-mother, but if your mom has a “chronically overworked, can’t-say-no” Badger secondary… that’s going to affect how you see Badger secondaries.)
Right now I work in a very Badger/Bird workplace, and it’s really a terrible fit, even though I can squeak by enough to fool my superiors into thinking I’m doing a good job.
oh we’ve got some imposter syndrome, that can also be a burnt secondary thing.
It’s all long-term planning and daily maintenance tasks, and I really don’t like it. I change most of my plans partway through, but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m really an improvisational secondary at heart, or if I’m truly a Bird that’s just bad at planning for all of the variables.
I’m going to say you’re not a Bird. Making cheat-sheets (which is a very Bird secondary strategy) also did not work, and you feel confined by, not comforted by plans. You’re not a Lion, you enjoy keeping your true self to yourself too much. You could be either a Badger or Snake. And if you really hate daily maintenance tasks… that could be coming from a few places, but it makes me lean Snake.
I love being in situations where I can iterate on a plan, or make a new plan on the fly. I love escape rooms and am pretty good at them; I still get stumped and need hints sometimes, but when I *get* a puzzle, it sort of just clicks for me? I don’t think in a very linear way and am not a good chess player, but I also have never studied chess so perhaps I just am at a knowledge disadvantage in that game.
This is also you using Bird to have fun, and we know you *love* using Bird to have fun.
One of my proudest moments
okay this is definitely going to be helpful
was when I was on a day trip with my significant other, and we needed to find a place to buy food quickly so we wouldn’t miss a specific ferry and then a specific bus - we were on an island, and near the ferry station the restaurants were all too expensive and we were worried they would take too long anyway. He was starting to get frazzled, but I was able to think on my feet, and we just grabbed a calming beer (lol) at a creepy neighborhood bar, then got on the ferry and bought microwave meals at a 7-Eleven by the bus station. It was awesome and I was very proud of myself for staying calm and looking around myself for options.
Well that is VERY Snake secondary.
I generally take a long time making decisions when it’s not a crisis situation, because I have to *weigh all the options*, but I often end up in analysis paralysis. Crunch time is where I really shine as a decision-maker.
Snake again. From what I’m seeing, your Bird is a fantastic toy, but actually kind of makes you miserable when you have to depend on it for the important stuff. (studying, your job, making important decisions)
All of this long post is to say, I’m not sure whether my Bird secondary is a fun model that got repurposed into an executive dysfunction compensation tool and anxiety/depression soother to supplement my Snake secondary
I think you hit the nail straight on the head right there.
or if Bird is my true secondary and Snake is a model that I learned from my dad and brother + characters I admire in media
oh your favorite characters are Snake secondaries are they? That’s a big tell.
and that I use when I fail to plan adequately given my executive dysfunction.
Executive dysfunction is a whole thing, but you don’t have to “”plan adequately”” for everything.
I find both fun and both useful, but I’m not sure which is innate and which is the model!
My money is on snake secondary, Bird secondary model.
#submission#sortinghatchats#wisteria sorts#sortme#double snake#snake primary#snake secondary#bird secondary model#family dynamics
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