Eugene HC/Lore Ramble-post

-deep breath- His full name is Eugene “Rocky” Koal Bronco 

He’s the nephew of Gonzo, who took care of him as a kid. Gonzo has kids of his own, Eugene’s cousins, Melba and Ozzie. (Humanized AU Specifically IG?) Due to being raised by his uncle in Australia, he has a bit of the accent. But he’s actually half Puerto Rican on his father’s side. His mother was from Australia though (and was Gonzo’s sister.) He hasn’t touched any of those roots though due to losing his parents, sadly. He did pick up his dad’s aesthetic though.  He is actually a really big caregiver no thanks to a lot of stuff happening in his childhood. Gonzo took him in after the tragic and sudden death of both his sister and his brother-in-law, but not long too terribly long after that his own wife ended up passing away due to underlining illness reasons. (Ozzie has some of the hereditary illnesses from his mom, so he’s kept an eye on but he’s doing relatively well dw /lh) He gained a special interest in music and dedicated his time attempting to learn how to play every instrument he could - though his pride and joy to do is playing guitar. He just likes the bragging rights that he can play a lot of instruments due to his fixation.  He loves all types of music, all types. Music makes him very stimmy and is practically his whole life. He’s a nerd like that. Catch is, he has no idea how to read music notes.  Ironically, he still passed through college just fine somehow.  He was accepted into college and that is where he meets his main friend group.  Just before enrolling for the year, he met Bud while as a club to celebrate being accepted. Bud, however, was there to celebrate his own birthday. But was being an awkward wallflower, due to being with his brother’s a majority of the time. (That’s a separate story though. ;) ) (Side note: For the sake of reference, they’re 21 here. Eugene is 21, Bud is just turning 21. Let’s say, if this was based on real life time - this would be 2010. 12 years ago--) The two became very close friends almost instantly and only *later* realized they’d be going to the same college with roughly the same major. So, they agreed to be roommates, bunking with an older couple going back to college and having their own living courters rather than a dorm. (This would be Elise and Barold.)  The other people they met in college are Shep, Kyle, Cherry, Lopez, and Peewee - and though he separates himself from the group and is a bit older, Wolfgang is still included sometimes. /t Shep was a solo artist, as was Kyle. Cherry, Lopez, and Peewee had their own band. And Eugene and Bud were on the build of making a band - but really all it was was Eugene and Bud agreeing to make music together. And sometimes their side roomies, Barold and Elise, would chime in to help. (They were nice. Supportive. It was only fair lol)  The group were really close and good friends. Going to band battles together, pretending to be rivals, and supporting each other in contests and concerts they’d have to perform. It was all very sweet.  Eventually, during one contest - in which Eugene’s “band” didn’t exactly end up winning but they had fun regardless, while packing up they’re bummed by K.K. Slider himself.  He insists he likes their passion and wanted to do a cover of their song featuring them and turn it into an album. Being dorky college kids just excited K.K. liked their energy, of course they agree. (-holds up K.K. Ska- this is the birth of this) Soon after that was graduation time - and Eugene had plans to travel the world. Leaving all this behind and making something of himself on his own, even though he hated the concept of being alone and restarting. Everything he’s ever known has been here, especially his family. But he wanted to at least try to take a step out there, and he’d always be welcomed back.  To his surprise, Bud charged to travel with him. Making arrangements with his family, another thing that was hard for Bud to let go - he insisted he’d go with Eugene out in the world. So... it was the two of them, traveling to new places and continuing to be really close friends.  That is until the third act breakup scene, (I am so sorry), where Eugene started to let things get to his head. He became really selfish and cocky, very unlike him - what with his newfound glory and immediately getting a girlfriend he just met. (Which backfired, mind you.) He started treated Bud like he was weighing him down, and Bud was really hurt by it. Eventually Bud confronted him about his attitude, as well as concerns about his girlfriend only caring about him if he has this air about him. Which wasn’t truly him, not like Bud had known. Of course, it caused a whole fight. Eugene at the time was heavily in denial he’d done anything wrong and blamed Bud for everything, even accusing him of jealousy. He went on a rant about how he’s evolving and growing and how Bud needs to learn how to do that to, it’s “what the trip was for.” And that if Bud didn’t like the new him, he didn’t need him anymore.  And as much as it broke Bud to do it, Bud agreed that maybe they didn’t need each other anymore. And started to ghost him. (It was extremely difficult, due to Bud being a naturally forgiving person who’s very hard to make angry tbh. he doesn’t like feeling upset.)  But naturally this is the part where we learn Bud was right about everything - and Eugene gets dumped due to his girlfriend only fancying him for gains or the fact he would be famous. He’s actually a bit of a nobody, and actually hated the drama that came with genuinely being popular - he backed out of the idea of becoming some famous well-known musician and was never going to become that. It caused her to bail, learning he won’t “provide for her like she needs.” She immediately treated him like she didn’t know him, either. Immediately crying wolf if he attempted to further communicate with her about things - causing publicity stunts and such, and even further solidifying Eugene did NOT want this life for himself.  He breaks down a bit and gets a pep talk from Gonzo, who’s extremely supportive and caring for him - and can also be blunt when he needs to hear things. If he was the asshole, Gonzo would outright say it. And he appreciated that. As he should have appreciated when Bud said it too.  He attempts to make up with Bud, which takes a few more days of silence between the two of them but Bud agrees to forgive him. But on the other hand, he had decided to go ahead and go through with the plan of leaving Eugene behind. Going somewhere on his own, making new friends - learning the two can’t be tied together at the hip anymore.  And as painful as it was, Eugene had to accept that too.  Bud officially moves away, and Eugene is alone again.  Thankfully due to his small interest in mechanic work, he had a small business going about that instead. Again, popular dramatic music life just wasn’t for him. He settled in a place where he’d repair people’s vehicles - in his own home-built shop, even.  This is how he ends up meeting Olaf, who needed his car repaired rather quickly...  But I think that’s enough rambling for now, and that he and Olaf’s story can be told a little later. ;) -exhausted exhale-

Nothing is stopping me except I was being polite and only sending asks to those who responded or liked that post… so grabby hands. Gimme the soapghost and 141 headcanons.

Listen I usually just churn out fifteen different aus a day but! Since you ask so nicely I can deffo get you some general hcs :'D

First of all I KNOW, how popular blonde Ghost is and that his hair is literally like.. dirty blonde in game. But he's a ginger to me okay.

Also to me he's just a Samuel Roukin and Tom Hardy lovechild. Because I'm allergic to making decisions.

I'm a firm believer that Soap is a living fucking furnace (my man's the sun figuratively AND literally).

Which also means: Soap would rather die than put a shirt on to sleep.

Soap fell first, Ghost fell harder.

It's not so much that he "fell first" though, as it is he realised what his feelings meant a little more early on. Ghost was definitely in denial and trying to be professional for longer.

But once he did he was neck deep already, there was no more denying it at that point.

There probably wasn't a big confession. They just grew closer and kept spending time together on and off missions.

It's mainly for the funsies but I really like to think that their "first kiss" was like after some big stressful mission as they meet up again, Ghost was already waiting there (let's say he was smoking or whatever so it makes sense his mask was down?) and Soap runs to him enthusiastically like "We did it Lt! We're the best!" and gets carried away as he claps his shoulder and pulls him in for a hug and also kisses him instead.

I think that it'd be really funny but also kind of make sense that it.. it wasn't some big romantic moment and there weren't many words and stuff.

After all, what more was there to say really? They were probably spending all of their time together anyway—you practically could've said they were dating already if you didn't know.

Soap hesitates for a moment before realising what he's done and immediately goes to apologise but Ghost doesn't seem to respond, just sitting there processing for a moment before it all dawns on him and he says, fuck it and pulls him in for another kiss to shut his blabbering ass up.

They probably don't really say anything until they're back on base and Ghost finds himself heading for Soap's room as soon as they're done with necessary immediate paperwork or whatever.

They decide to not like.. explicitly state anything to the team because it's not all too clear to themselves either. They all know that they're incredibly close and have a Thing going on so..

Also I think Ghost would be kind of awkward with pda and while Soap would scream his love from the rooftops for every living thing to hear he's respectful of that y'know?

Gaz pulls Soap aside at some point probably (because they're also #besties and gossip and talk mad shit about everyone on base and that's also a hill I'm dying on 😌💅) and asks him about what exactly went on with Ghost and he gives him a bare rundown.

He's really happy for them but also owes Price free drinks now next time they go out because OBVIOUSLY there were bets going on.

I'm gonna stop myself from rambling here but! If you want more always free to ask lol <3

Hey! Just a heads up, I'm sending this to multiple people, since I wanna get as many different viewpoints on this as I can. I hope this doesn't bother you. Also, this is pretty long.

So, I have a question about gamedev, but more on the marketing/presence side.

Most gamedevs I know, even hobbyist ones, keep their accounts relatively professional. Sure, they may shitpost here and there, but it's mostly in relation to their games, the gamedev sphere in general, or very general inoffensive stuff. And, most importantly, I've seldom seen my favorite gamedevs (or any of my favorite internet personalities, for that matter) comment on random videos unrelated to what type of content they usually post.

All of my social media accounts are quite unprofessional. I've also had them for a long time, so there are a few things on my digital footprint that I'd rather people not see. I also, for lack of a better way of explaining, watch and read random shit and like to leave comments on it sometimes.

I feel like, I were to become a gamedev, I wouldn't be able to do that anymore. I'd have to treat my internet presence as its own balancing act, rather than a place for me to express myself unabashedly. I know this is working under the assumption that I would get big and that people would give a damn about me, but there is always the off chance of that happening. Of a random game you make suddenly blowing up because it hit the algorithm just right. So it's better to be prepared. And even if I don't get that big boom in popularity, I still plan to at least make games consistently enough to build a community of their own. Nothing like, huge, but I really enjoy the idea of people enjoying my work and sharing that enjoyment with others. But I don't want that to cross over into my personal life!

I know that's not an impossible feat, but I feel like it kind of destroys the purpose of the internet for me. To me, it's always been a safe space where I could express myself and easily connect with people with similar viewpoints, but I am now coming to odds with this concept as I consider how I want to become a gamedev.

There's also the side note that I don't wanna rebrand. At least not completely. I don't mind cleaning up my accounts or deleting some old ones, but I've grown very attached to being "Quamai". I can't imagine myself having any other online identity, even if there are some cringy moments attached to it.

So, do you have any advice for my situation? How did you personally go about your own online image, and what do you think is the best course of action?

Thank you in advance!

oh gosh what a question ldkjfadl

hmmmm

putting this under a cut because it got long and rambly lakdfa

for me personally i don't think i've ever made that many "right" choices when it comes to how i handle my online presence in game dev, it was mostly just me doing what seemed like the right thing to do at the time. it's also changed a lot all throughout my time as a dev

tho i guess the main thing is that i did create a whole new game dev online identity, so to speak, when i first got into game dev. this wasn't really due to any purposeful thought put into it though and was more just because 1) i didn't really have much online identity anyway at the time and 2) in the beginning i was trying to be more "professional" LOL

when i released easter, i did it without any presence at all. i had no accounts or anything. i literally just finished the game and threw it up on itch and gamejolt using the new studio name i had come up with based on an inside work joke. it wasn't until i started to get a few people talking about the game or linking to it/making vids that i was like hmmm i should have a twitter maybe LOL so like a week later i made a twitter. but i barely posted on it, it was just responding to other people. a year later when i released the 2.0 update i also made a few posts. then thought i might start using it more so started posting just a few random updates of new stuff i was trying out/working on (this was when i made my first couple of posts about early OW stuff)

but then when i shifted out of game dev again for a while, i abandoned it

it wasn't until august of 2021 that i began actively using my account again to post production updates for work on ow. but back then i was a lot more "emotionless" for lack of a better word. like i approached it in a more no-nonsense way than i do today. i also never got that much response from it either, usually lucky to get like 2 or 3 likes on stuff 🤣 over the course of that first year or so though i would change a lot in how i handled my online stuff, acting much more like myself, interacting a lot more with people, and getting increasingly more unhinged(???) LOL perhaps because i'd begun to see that being "super professional" when i'm just a little random person making a game all by myself there's no reason to be so stiff (and it's just much more fun and genuine to not be afraid to be myself and be a bit silly). over this time was also when i'd shift away from using my studio name and just taking the "carrot" identity. because i realized i didn't like people thinking about me as an impersonal studio and wanted to just be me, carrot, interacting with people, making games, and getting unhinged about my chars and stories

is this the right way to do it???? i have no idea. but perhaps since i never have any aspirations of grandeur and don't plan to be any kind of business, it's fine for me. and while it's true that i don't like to post, reblog, interact with, content unrelated to my games or other VN stuff, that's mostly because i don't want to annoy people who i know only follow me for game stuff (i worry about annoying people a lot, actually, it might be one of the core foundations for how i handle myself online LMAO). i don't have any other presence online though. once i started my game dev stuff, carrot became me, and it's all that's out there. so it's not like i need to "separate" anything. but also i'm not a very avid user of social media in general so it's not like i have an active desire to have different accounts so i can tweet about or comment on other stuff lakdjfasd i'm an old socially anxious duck who gets mentally exhausted just scrolling my feed. i don't need to spend any more time online than i already do with my game dev stuff hahaha. i do know some other devs though for instance that have private accounts on twitter just for their friends and more personal thoughts. so that's always an option too

as for what you should do in your own situation with your own online presence, i'm not really sure, as it all comes down to what you want. for me, since i didn't have much presence anyway, and because i wanted my game dev stuff to be its own thing, it made sense for me to create a new presence just for game dev (that eventually evolved into my entire self LKDJFAS). so it's hard for me to say what would be the best course of action if you already have an online presence that forms a core part of your identity that you don't want to lose. it also depends on what you want to eventually do with your games and if you see yourself really wanting to pursue it actively and make it a big part of your life. most devs that i know do have "game dev" presences for lack of a better word, where if you go to their accounts, it's just for game dev. or they create studios and studio accounts. i think no matter what you decide to do, even if you keep the name the same, it would probably be best to at least keep your game dev stuff separate, because people could potentially be put off from following an account for games but then their feed gets filled with a lot of non-game stuff from you that they don't care about

no matter what you decide to do though, i recommend being yourself no matter what. whether you keep with your same identity or craft a new game dev only one, still do what feels right for you on that account and be yourself and have fun with it!! game dev can already be such an isolating and hard experience, so creating a space where you can be silly and have fun with other devs and fun with your chars and ideas can really help so much to give you motivation and just enjoy your time creating games!!!

(sorry if this was a complete ramble that didn't even still fully answer the question; i can only speak from my own personal experiences that i went through after all and i don't really have any good or professional answers since i also have no idea what i'm doing most of the time 🤣)

TMNT Art Diary 2: The Importance of Art Goals and Focusing Your Attention

Happy March, everyone! How are we doing? It's been almost a month and a half since my last turtle art diary, so I figured it was about time to type up yet another set of ramblings talking about my experiences learning how to draw the 2003 TMNT.

Before we get started, I feel it's worth mentioning that the future of this blog is kinda up in the air at this point? From the beginning, I've been against AI generated images because of the ethics involved and like many in the Tumblr art community, recent going-ons with the site have me concerned for where things might be headed. I'm not planning to jump ship just yet, but there is a pretty good chance that I'll be posting less and less original drawings here and start utilizing my newly created Pillowfort instead, as the staff has taken a very firm anti-AI stance to the point of completely banning both AI generated images and writing on the site (the official Tumblr post regarding their decision). If you're a fellow artist, TMNT or otherwise, they might be worth checking out as a potential alternative to Tumblr.

With that out of the way, let's begin!

Okay, so let's talk about something that applies to most anything when you're learning how to do art; the importance of art goals and taking things one step at a time. Whether you're a beginner artist or someone who already has years of experience under your belt, it's important to not only have goals in mind of what you want to learn, but also to try and not do everything all at once. There is a lot that goes into successfully drawing the turtles; their anatomy, applying their less human features like their shells and three-fingered hands, their expressions, their colors, etc. HOWEVER, if you're trying to learn to draw too many aspects of their designs all at once, you are going to become overwhelmed very fast and you will not see improvement as quickly, which inevitably results in frustration and loss of motivation. Ergo, you need to take things bit by bit, breaking down the turtles designs into bite-sized pieces and focusing on specific areas that you are having trouble on.

For instance, early on, I realized pretty quickly that one of the areas I was struggling in was the turtles heads; I love their shape, but damn are they hard to draw. Subsequently, there was a point where I was largely drawing turtle heads and ONLY turtle heads so I could learn what shapes went into them, what they looked like from different angles, etc. Within even a few days, I already saw massive improvements just because I wasn't trying to draw EVERYTHING all at once; just one very specific aspect of their designs. Compare the very first Donny I drew on the 5th of January to a quick doodle of Mikey I did a couple of weeks later on the 25th and you can see how much I learned in such a short timespan.

Speaking of shapes, you wanna know the biggest hack I've discovered for learning how to draw the 2003 turtles? Studying the Fast Forward art style. Yeah, you heard me.

At first glance, this seems kind of stupid. I'm pretty sure most people aiming to draw fanart of the 2003 turtles are planning to draw them in a similar style to the first five seasons, so it makes more sense to study screencaps and model sheets from those seasons rather than FF. However, the reason why Fast Forward is so useful for TMNT 2003 fanartists is because, at its core, Fast Forward is 2003's art style simplified. Anyone who has ever taken a professional art class or looked up tutorials online knows that basic shapes are incredibly important when drawing, as they are the building blocks of literally whatever illustration you're trying to make. Now, I absolutely love how detailed the designs from the first five seasons are, but because they are so detailed, a lot of the basic shapes do get lost under everything as a result, which can make it hard to figure out what actually goes into the turtles designs at a fundamental level.

Because the designs in Fast Forward are less detailed compared to what was seen in the first five seasons, many of the basic shapes that go into the turtles designs are much easier to spot. If you've been following me long enough, you know that I was absolutely LIVID to discover that one of the things I genuinely don't like about the Fast Forward style--the pentagon shaped heads--makes drawing the 03 turtle heads so much easier. To explain it in detail; a pentagon basically maps out the five "points" of a turtle's head. What these points represent can change depending on the angle from which you're drawing your chosen turtle, but if you're doing a turtle head from a front/three quarter view, the five points denotes the top of the head, the cheeks, and the chin. It requires some practice to get right, but by building off this initial pentagon shape, you can easily draw a turtle head in the style of the first five seasons. A hexagon works just as well and is especially useful if you're going for a rounder/softer head shape.

Beyond that, I think making to deliberate choice to draw in the Fast Forward style rather than the OG style is helpful for other reasons. When a turtle's head is only a pentagon, you don't have to worry as much about details and can focus on other areas you might be neglecting, such as figuring out the positioning of the eyes/mask, or developing the way you draw the turtles' expressions. (Seriously, the white pupil-less eyes are cool, but they do make conveying emotions a hassle, especially when the turtles are lacking for proper eyebrows.)

It's been about two months since I drew my very first 2003 turtle and while I'm still very far off from where I want to be, I've already made some leaps and bounds in terms of overall progress. I do sometimes feel annoying yelling about my turtle art learnings and struggles (especially when I know there is stuff that potentially comes off as Captain Obvious territory to others) but I personally find it helpful to write down everything I've learned and experienced in case I forget something and need to look back on it. And hey, maybe someone will see these disjointed ramblings as helpful. You never know.

Anyway, here's a lil Donny doodle from today to finish this entry off. See ya later!

SOIL SCIENCE AND PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEYRE DOING

Genuinely listening to a soil scientist or master horticulturalist ramble about literally any topic always results in a massive density of information. So many plant-tubers and tik tokers can give you tips, they may even have plants that thrive, but they can't exactly tell you -why-

"I use this product and it works! go buy it!"

Well why does it work? Is it tested and certified? do you know if this is a Fertilizer? a soil conditioner? does it work with organic systems?? Are there papers backing it up at all???

"I dunno! use my affiliate link!!"

and everyone has such wildly different home environments and climates and windows sizes that just saying "do x" without having a deep understanding of the conditions present means!! A-lot!! and houseplants don't have to be complicated but a lot of people fail at having a green thumb because nothing is explained properly. Some people do extremely well and don't realize it's mostly because they have large unobstructed windows whereas the person struggling is dealing with a north facing window covered by buildings and tree's and thinking their friend just grows em better and gets discouraged.

Listen to someone who studies this or does it professionally and they can give you broadly helpful tips backed by science with measurable improvements to back it up, rather than the SEA of AI written or regurgitated information. If you ask how to take care of a plant to google, you have to DIG to find relevant, helpful, GOOD info that isn't just spewed from the mouths of people shooting in the dark and having success.

"place plant in indirect light, fast draining soil, let it dry out before watering" - houseplant tips dreamed up by the utterly deranged, incurious, and actively unhelpful to anyone and harmful for beginners!! THEY HAVE PLAYED US FOR ABSOLUTE FOOLS!

My 'indirect light' Monstera can sit in sunlight all damn day AND THEY GROW IN FULL SUNLIGHT IN THE WILD!! Why then, does everyone think they can thrive in a semi dim corner of your house?? Why are you telling me my Hoya Kerii, a semi succulent that needs tons of full sun to thrive will do just fine getting like, 1 or two hours of it. It will not grow! It may even lose leaves and suffer!! (That hoya has thrown tantrums for months and I thought I was to blame!!)

I didn't know what VPD was! I didn't know the real difference between organic and synthetic fertilizers or what nutrient cycling was! I didn't know the benefits of algae growth in your soil and the indicators of a healthy micro-biome! WHATS HUMIC ACID, WOW LOOK AT THE SCIENCE BACKING UP HOW FUCKING HELPFUL IT IS! So much info shoved aside in favor of 'quick plant hacks' that barely contribute anything to your actual development of understanding how to make your Rare tropicals and indoor garden thrive!!

GO WATCH THE CHANNEL "GARDENING IN CANADA" AND BE AMAZED AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT THEYRE DOING!! Some of their vids only have like, 3k views and they were more helpful in understanding and diagnosing issues I had than people posting full ass houseplant guides

Donghyun Natal Chart Rambling..

Hii ! I was gonna do this on twt only but it got way too wordy so its here ! for dong's bday I dug into his chart a bit hehe

First things first I’m not like a professional lol I’m still kinda a beginner at this stuff so ! Don’t take me super seriously jhsdbf I might get stuff wrong also ! Dong has no birth time so no houses or rising for him unfortunately… if u do happen to know his birth time tho and I just missed it pls pls pls pls let me know I’m literally dying 

Anyway me rambling under the cut hehe

🐿 Dong is pretty earth heavy! He’s also pretty virgo heavy with 4 major placements in virgo. You know that grounded, homey feeling he radiates? The emotionally sound boyfriend vibes? The cinnamon cookies, wrapped in a warm blanket, the fire place with the old wood mantle? Earth sign vibes.

💙 Those virgo placements are in sun, Venus, mercury, and north node. Let’s talk about the sun and north node for a sec. From my limited understanding, the north node represents the qualities we should focus on to be successful. It’s a sign we might not have had experience with in a past life, something we might be nervous about. The fact his north node and sun are in virgo kinda leads me to believe he’s really capable of focusing well on those north node qualities. In other words, I think this gears him up for success!

🐿 Ah virgo venus… a lot of people rip on it but I ADORE this placement ppl with this placement are so cute, very very attuned to their partner’s needs and expectations. They’d don’t express love loudly but rather through small details, like little things that maintain the relationship. If we’re talking love language think acts of service! Peeling that apple for you, a little post it note on the fridge with a heart drawn on it, folding your laundry, good morning and good night texts.

💙 However virgo is not super comfortable in Venus so it can cause friction. Virgo kinda wanna make everything a project. Dong has mentioned he nags the others and yeah….  Virgo in Venus nag nag nag the ones they love, not to be annoying or harmful but cause they’re trying to better you yk? But it can come off as annoying as shit!

🐿 I will say all those virgo placements are probably why he’s the mom of the group, His mercury is also in virgo, this sign is at home in this planet! My mans is a clear and talented communicator and that’s hot.

💙 The other thing I adore about donghyun aside from his virgo streak is his very loud Leo streak. Moon and mars are in Leo.

🐿 Leo moon is a celebrity placement no doubt about it. They want to be the center of the stage, the entertainer. 

💙 Praise praise praise. Donghyun is so funny to me he’ll come on pms and straight up either be possessive as hell over abnew or will outright start demanding praise. “Praise me quickly” the man says while talking about the Venus stage. Yeah that’s Leo. That’s a LOUD ass Leo.

🐿 And Leo mars… oh my…. To keep it pg these placements are dedicated to their partners and loved to feel worshipped. Leo is the lion and it's comfortable in mars. Animalistic, rough, bark bark.

💙 His Lilith is in scorpio, I actually share this placement with him so I know a bit from personal experience with it (tho I will say mine is in the 1st house, conj. with my rising so mine is probably way way more feral than his is sdjhbfs)

🐿 Lilith can be hard to describe… Lilith according to Christian mythology was Adam’s first wife before Eve. However, Lilith didn’t see why she should be looking up to Adam he’s just a dude yk, and Adam didn’t like that she wouldn’t roll over and submit to him. Lilith is kinda like… the taboo girl boss. She’s empowered, she’s sexual, she’s obsessive. We can either be obsessed with the qualities of this placement or reject them entirely or maybe even a bit of both.

💙 Lilith doesn’t have a ruling sign like the other planets per se (like how I mentioned virgo and mercury earlier) since its not a planet, but if it were to have a sign it would be scorpio. The two are pretty related thematically. Scorpio is the sign of the dark and the taboo, the sign of power and sex. Lilith in scorpio… hmm sexual strength.. prowess… sado/machoism :> but also a dangerous self harm streak. If this is badly aspected it could even bring about some s word issues.

🐿 Or on the contrary, rejection of sexuality altogether! Ace king maybe, I doubt it tho that Leo mars is a bit too overpowering.

💙 Now his Chiron is also in scorpio tho! Chiron is known as the wounded healer, the sign we have here is something we will always struggle deeply with and never get over, however we can learn from our own trauma to grow to help others with this issue. I can’t pinpoint dong’s source of hurt since I don’t have his houses, but scorpio here is making me thing he could have an issue with sex, marriages, manipulation, or secrets. 

🐿 None of his placements or aspects are at significant degrees, so let’s look at his aspects !

💙 Sun conj. Mercury, we get someone who’s good with their ideas and can express them really well. This is also a great aspect for a performer! Really smart and really creative.

🐿 He has a few aspects (moon conj. Mars and sun opp. Jupiter) that really enjoy travel. He seems adventurous, def someone who wants to or would enjoy visiting a wide variety of different places.

💙 Moon trine Pluto, this one is interesting to me. People with this aspect are very deep emotionally and experience their emotions super strong. However it also brings this need to fix their loved ones. This paired with that virgo Venus, oh boy he’s one hell of a nagger methinks. If he thinks something a loved on is doing is weird or wrong he’s gonna flat out say it even at the cost of a fight, and his Leo moon/mars ass is D R A M A T I C in a fight so

🐿 Multiple aspects (mercury conj venus and sun trine Neptune) that indicate he has extremely good manners. Probably very polite and gentle. 

💙 His Neptune is very positively aspected. To me Neptune is kinda like a spiritual, deep, creative planet. A well placed and aspected Neptune is what makes people who are deeply spiritual or at least have that ability. It makes me wonder if dong would be into things like tarot! I think a lot of his emotional security and creativity is coming from this planet. Even his music is kinda that strange liminal dreamy (thinking of Venus specifically tbh but a long winter is also kinda liminal in a nostalgic way).

🐿 Jumping back to that mercury conj. Venus… this aspect is such a poetic one tbh like strong appreciation for the arts and is able to express himself powerfully and beautifully. Ugh a lyricist tbh. A polite person, able to see all sides to a debate and that can put them at an indecisive disadvantage sometimes. 

💙 I don’t know all asteroids well tbh but I do know Juno and eros. 

🐿 Juno is kinda a soulmate asteroid. Someone with qualities of this sign can make a fine partner. That doesn’t mean their partner has to be this sign but someone with its qualities. Dong’s is in libra! Leads me to believe he craves balance, equality, and that cute flighty air energy.

💙 Eros is the erotic asteroid. It’s what we find .. well erotic ! Stimulating ! Venus’s love with Mars’s passion. Dong’s is in Sagittarius… so… outdoor stuff, active stuff, might get bored easily shit can’t be serous with a sag placement keep it lighthearted. Also worth noting sag is the sign of travel and foreign things soooo 👀 finally good news for us non kabnews HSBSHB

🐿 Overall donghyuns chart just ❤️ it’s those virgo and Leo qualities combined that I adore about him, the confidence of the sun with the down to earth comfort of a field of daisies. To me he seems rather emotionally in tune, empathetic, optimistic, creative, and hardworking. However he does seem to have issues with perfectionism, nitpicking, shoving his own concerns aside to please others (a very virgo trait tbh), that case of being too nice to people yk? There’s also something happening with that Lilith Chiron scorpio that I can’t exactly place .. but tbh if his only issues are being too hard on himself and too open for others its honestly a great chart :0

if u happen to have come across this and read it all thank u very muh for indulging me hsdbchs and if u have any .. questions or ab6ix related requests id be down to do more astrology posts or tarot for them :0 i will be doing big general rambling chart posts for the other 3 on their bdays :>

I don't know if that's weird to say but your art improved SO MUCH lately!! Their proportions are so nice now and your art in general is just so pretty

i - you - me - i - gimme a moment

i was thinking about the proportions part of this for a couple hours and just realized you called my art pretty im -

ok. this message has lived rent free in my head for days, DAYS ANON. Just, asdfghjkl. you, you have my love and appreciation and just 🥺🥺🥺😭😭💞💙💙💙💙

pretty?!?!?!!??!?! ✨ p r e t t y ✨

(excuse me while i ramble about art below:)

pretty???? literally have a post sitting in my drafts as i cry over my style and how much i've struggled with feeling like it's not attractive enough to make people follow???? (my art accts have always had abysmal engagement much less follower count no matter the platform) every like makes me happy and every single tag/comment on my stuff makes me fucking lose it i treasure those 🥺

i'm very aware my technical progress is slow but i've been trying to use references more (or more often take reference pictures to use) and i've felt more comfortable with certain proportions recently so???? someone noticing??? just,,,, excuse me while i lay down and cry.

overall i tend to go through periods of drawing a lot and then life happens and i don't draw for a while, which definitely makes progress, uuuuuh, weird lmao

i've also starting figuring out that i'm not really a colorist and that i'd rather sketch/line things out. i'm slowly learning to pick better color palettes but how to shade/highlight remains a struggle 🙃 i feel like i change it up every single piece, and i've yet to find something i vibe with in terms of both progress and outcome.

can't believe i've been "consistenly" drawing for about 9 years and i'm still only figuring out basics (within the context of stylized, non-realistic work..... i'm pretty damn good at pencil/charcoal still lifes but that's about as much "professional teaching" i've had lmao i'm a ceramicist at heart truly and have never taken a gen art class, but i did teach it so 🤷 , which is possibly MORE annoying. i know the knowledge very well, but my application is still lacking /sobs in lack of time to practice and my inability to do studies more often than twice a year/ )

ANYWAYS not weird at all to say that!!!! you noticed improvement that being worked on!!! like, asdfgh, you saw the results of someone's hard work and that's always a nice thing

i'm still fucking losing it over "pretty" anon anon anon im???? pretty???????? my stuff???? "so pretty" even i'm,,,, crying

Fresh(?) Impressions (12)

Other parts: |Trickstar| |UNDEAD| |2wink| |Ra*bits| |Akatsuki| |fine| |Ryuseitai| |Knights| |Valkyrie| |Switch| |MaM/Double Face/Crazy:B| |Eden| |Alkaloid|

----------------------------------------------

Hello Enstarries~☆ Next is the other elite unit Eden! We're almost reaching the end and ofc only after I posted the last post did Tumblr decide to up the pic limit to 30....😑 I'm not gonna add the pic though, I'm too lazy for that. Lately it's so hot here where I am. This week was worst with 37°C during daytime and 19°C at nighttime. What even is this difference in a single day????😭 I literally got baked inside the car like bread. My pulls in Twst and ToT were really good though, amazing and close to a miracle even, and I got both cards I saved up for in relatively few pulls so I'm gonna take this heat as the price ><

DISCLAIMER!: Everything said here is for entertainment purposes only and not meant to attack anyone. This is not an accurate description of any characters but my subjective rambling for fun, so please don't take it too seriously. (Just to be safe, I'm kinda scared of elite idol fans) Also, you will hear me mention other games a bunch of times bc I'm that bad and uncreative at explaining and I'm still grieving A3!EN's shutdown. Eng is my 2nd (or 3rd?) language so there might be some weird grammar or spelling mistakes. And I write at 3 am usually.

Without further ado....Let's Ensemble!☆

----------------------------------------------

10/10 just for music alone. Not a single song is a miss (I'm gonna ignore the solo songs). I'll admit, I like Adam's songs less than Eve's and Eden's as a whole but honestly, the rest is just so good it's pulling the music as a whole easily to a 10. They vibe so hard I am S H A K I N G and if I learnt one thing from soundcloud, it's that I'm not the only one on that matter. (Srsly the comments under Eden's song on soundcloud sure are a.....different breed....) I like how they make use of their voices and goshhhhh their harmonies are always soooo gooooddd 🥲 I mean that's normal but they just do it so well!!! My fav songs gotta be Psyche's Butterfly with a whole universe as a lead and then Deep Eclipse but smth -Faith Conquest is also such a banger but then you also have Sunlit Smile or Trap for you AND THER-

The conept of them leading you to Eden, paradise in christianity, is pretty interesting considering their rather dark color scheme and uh intimate lyrics sometimes. And the fact that Hiyori and Nagisa, former fine members are now here in this supposed paradise in subunits Adam and Eve..... Makes you wonder if it's really Eden they're taking you to. Well, it's a very cool and smart execution. Their outfits are fancy suits just like fine but in dark and the underside of their coats correspond to their personal color. The gold accents, cravats and gloves give them a noble feeling. And just a small coincidence probably, maybe even a stretch, but the colored coat parts on top are shaped like diamonds! Neat. It's pretty alright but I'm not a fan of the hanging belts or whatever they're supposed to be.

They're one of the top idol groups and as such seem to have a more professional dynamic with eacht other from what I've seen. They hold high expectations of themselves and are very confident in their skills to reach those. Apparently former rivals with Anzu and Trickstar (so cute how it's canon she treasures them so much 🥺). They remind me of TRIGGER (Idolish7) and Quartet Night (Utapri) witt their rival thingie, "dark" aesthetic and music.

9.5/10 - woooowwwwiiiiieeeee

Nagisa Ran

A newborn duckling. Now, hear me out. It was very clear he was lonely for most of his life if he only recently discovered now how socialising works. With his dad being some world ruling mastermind that explains it, I guess. It doesn't seem like he has a (strong) opinion on anything since everything is new to him. Even himself. And Ibara is somehow the one he imprinted on, kinda? Idk why it's that guy and I'm kinda worried what he'll pick up from him but oh well 🤷‍♀️ I thought he'd have more of a demanding personality based on the group name, the covers and his appearance but nah. Interesting how it's only him whose color is based on his eye color and not his hair. Dunno what this means but I just wanted to mention what I noticed. His hair is as ⭐fabulous⭐ as Wataru's. He very much looks like some ML from a rofan webtoon, the white red-eyed version specifically. His voice is solid and deep, a normal but not boring voice. Actually very soothing, now that I think about it.

6.5/10 - interesting but still kinda boring not so little young swan

Hiyori Tomoe

IIIIIIIII HIYORIIIIIII~☆☆☆ Radiates confidence, optimism and somehow floral scent. He looks like the charming and popular second prince. I mean, I guess he is a noble. Thank god, he seems relatively down to earth, though. Has a mischevious air to him but only a little. I really love his appearance. Violet eyes are always beautiful but his specific green is just perfectly complementary (not in the sprite on the right, that looks like bleached lettuce). He reminds me of pistacchio ice cream 👌 His voice is higher than expected but very lovely, dynamic and powerful but not really stong. Like how an archer is strong bc they're agile and not really strong. You get what I mean? Very nice to see he's also earnest and prefers to be honest, that also requires a certain kind of strength.

8.5/10 - fun bestie to have

Ibara Saeguaa

Capitalist. I'm not saying that's his whole personality but I'm just saying.......👀 He's peculiar in that he has some experience in the military (I think??) and also wants to become rich by being an idol? Like, what kinda combination of backstory is this. It's like a sandwich consisting of tomatoes, chocolate and beans. All raw. Two faced, which the game insists on showing it outright lolol I mean, I guess he's very ambitious and at least actually puts in the work himself. He does look like the capable secretary that's actually pulling all the strings. How the hell did he get close to Nagisa???? I'd feel too scared to ever step into his room, fearing there's a dead body in the bathroom or smth. He has a strong voice but....it's soooo slimy and pretentious. Idk how to describe it any better than that. Even his purple is not pretty.

4/10 - Sussy guy I disliked the moment I laid eyes on him

Jun Sazanami

His voice is ssssoooooo prettyyyyy. That one note he had in Majestic Magic, you know the one, was just 🍰. Similiar to Hiyori but a bit of a deeper pitch and more....of a soft sea breeze rather than a floral breeze. He also looks just absolutely dashing, handsome and adorable; it's a beautiful dark shade of blue and yellow eyes are just so on point to that blue. It's like I'm looking at the night sky 🌠 On a superficial level, he's literally perfect. Personality is also pretty OK, though. His laugh was also sooooo cute??? I'm already kinda down bad for him.... I kinda thought he might be more wild like Koga but that doesn't seem to be the case. It might be weird for me to write only this much but I don't have a lot to say anymore about him.

10/10 - unproblematic chill sympathetic cute guy 👌

----------------------------------------------

Conclusion

I'm also about to become an Eden-P. Together with Knights and Crazy:B, these 3 units are my absolute favs when it comes to music. I sure hope the characters don't disappoint. Honestly, I can't wait to jump headfirst into the main story and then to the other stories. I bet the comedic moments are priceless and one of a kind with this kinda cast.

At this point, you know the drill. Comment if you wanna with care ofc and just have fun~ See y'all on the next post~☆

𝙈𝙀𝙀𝙏 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙅𝘼𝘾𝙊𝘽𝙎𝙀𝙎. | 𝙠𝙖𝙧𝙡 𝙟𝙖𝙘𝙤𝙗𝙨 (18+)

edit by @raeganlolz <3

∘ requests: I tried to use as many as I could that made sense! Hope you enjoy!

“the things i’d do to meet edgy karl’s parents.”

“ok but next time you want to write smut for edgy!karl...post pregnancy scare...karl having a fixation on readers tiddies...like the whole time. -🧚🏻‍♀️”

“i stg this is my last thing ill send in today about edgy!karl but karl letting reader dom him completely.-🧚🏻‍♀️”

“CONSIDER edgy!Karl saying ‘that's my girl’”

∘ pairing: edgy!Karl Jacobs x fm!reader 

∘ warnings: nsfw (minors dni), mentions of underaged sex, asphyxiation, domination, this being 4k

∘ word count: ~4000 (im so sorry)

∘ links: 𐐪 ao3 𐑂 𐐪 previous part 𐑂 𐐪 submit an edgy!karl edit 𐑂

∘ disclaimer: I made up all the dynamics and Karl lore. This is also an au and I do what I want so

You rolled your shoulders, twisting your back to alleviate some of the stress in your back as your mind raced at the possible outcomes of spending the weekend at Karl’s parent’s place. He seemed to deal with the situation in his own way, a cigarette lazily hanging from his lips as he scrubbed the nail polish from his fingers. You wondered if his parents were sticklers for order, then again, knowing Karl, there was no way they weren’t crazy strict. You thought about your own family and what would happen if Karl were to meet your mother.

Karl seemed almost absent-mindedly going through the motions of visiting them like you had nothing to worry about. There were occasions when he even made it clear that you had your life more intact than he did, so it was doubtful they would hate you.

You peered over at him, taking your eyes off the road momentarily as he paused to blow smoke out of his window. “Why do you have to take it off?” You asked, gesturing to his hands.

He scoffed slightly, sitting up and throwing the dirty cotton ball into the small bag beside him. “My mom hates the dark colors,” he murmured, flicking his cigarette bud outside. He moved a hand to settle over your thigh, wrapping his fingers around the flesh. “Don’t worry, I’ll paint them again when we get back,” he chided. “I know it’s the only reason you keep me around.”

You snorted at this, shaking your head at his joke.

The two of you came to a small stop-over town, swapping seats after filling up the tank at the local gas station. Through the crack in the passenger window, you could hear the cashier greeting Karl as if they were old friends, smacking him on the back and walking him out the door with a smile. As Karl sank into the driver’s seat you furrowed your brows. He looked at you with a shrug. “We vacation around here sometimes,” he brushed off, making your mouth twist in disbelief. He was downplaying the extent of his family’s hold over the town.

As the two of you drove through the main street of the town, your eyes snapped to the various stores with his last name plastered on the signs. You nearly asked him about it, instead opting out as you figured he would give you a half-assed answer and only give you part of the story.

His house had its own street, a long winding road that ended in a looped driveway the size of a suburban cold-de-sac. You willed yourself not to let your mouth gape at the sheer size of the mansion as it stared back at you, blocking the moonlight as Karl opened the passenger door for you to climb out. “Stop treating me like the fucking Queen of England,” you murmured, elbowing him as he pulled on his hoodie, shaking out his hair slightly.

He laughed at you, popping a piece of gum in his mouth, and pressing his lips to yours in a nearly heated kiss as if to give you a taste of what he had in store of you. As he broke the embrace, his nose brushed against yours. “I can treat you worse if you want, pet?” He offered, causing you to shove him away from you.

“We are literally in your parents’ driveway. Chill out,” you urged, making him chuckle as he laced his fingers with yours, pulling you towards the front door. Your heart hammered in your ears as he pushed open the door. You tugged on his arm. “Shouldn’t we knock first?” You whispered, making him pop his gum and shrug.

As if telling you not to worry, he pulled you the rest of the way in the house, only to be greeted with an old man barely reaching over your height. “Karl! My god, you nearly scared the living daylights outta me!” He hooted, as Karl wrapped his arm around the old man, the two chattering away like the best of friends.

You smiled at the warmth between the two, watching Karl blossom. He moved to stand by you, wrapping his arm around your waist and gesturing to the man. “This is my nanny, Leslie. He wouldn’t leave so I think he just dusts the books in one of the libraries,” Karl joked, making the man swat the air in front of Karl.

You raised your eyebrows. “One of the libraries?” You repeated quietly as if to make sure you heard him correctly.

He smirked at you, disregarding your surprise. “This is my girlfriend,” he introduced, rather proudly as Leslie’s face lit up. He grabbed your hands and rambled on about how he had never thought Karl would introduce a girlfriend to the family.

“I thought I heard Karl’s voice. Did he make it?” A feminine tone rang out into the foyer, capturing Karl’s attention a beat before she had started talking as if he had sensed her. You wanted to smirk at the vision, knowing he did the same when he heard you.

A woman came around the corner of one of the walls, her hair and makeup applied to a professional standard and her clothes were cleanly pressed. She looked as if she had just gotten home from an office job with a corner office. Her intimidating aura vanished along with his as soon as she saw him, scooping him up in her arms as he chuckled slightly. She held him out an arm’s length away, pinching his sides and calling him a beanstalk. Another man a few years older than Leslie entered the room, draped in a flowery apron. He embraced Karl as well, the couple fawning over him like they hadn’t seen him in years.

Karl gestured for you to come closer as he showed you off to the pair, introducing them as his parents. Karl’s mom immediately embraced you, murmuring about how Karl hadn’t brought a girl home in ages let alone a girlfriend and you were quickly being to notice a theme amongst the group.

The house was massive, which you had quickly noticed was even bigger than it looked outside, as Karl’s mother looped her arm around yours, giving you the tour and explaining the extensive history of the Jacobs family and their impact on the house. Leslie and she served as some of the most entertaining tour guides you’d ever experienced as they giggling and joked. Karl walked quietly behind the group of you, hands in his pockets as he looked up at the ceilings and pictures as if he hadn’t seen them a thousand times growing up.

You peered over your shoulder, making sure he was still with the rest of you. He set you a wink, lips curling at the sight of you getting along with his family members.

After you were finally beginning to lose track of time Karl broke into the charade, and after vaguely mentioning he was tired, his mother when into a mock cuddling mode, cooing to him sarcastically, yet letting the two of you slink away for the night with the promise of finishing the tour before Karl’s brother showed up in the morning.

Soon it was just you and Karl again, him leading you up a flight of stairs. The hallways were lit with small lanterns that at one time had probably fostered candles but were now replaced with electric ones. You weren’t sure where to look as the walls were crammed with painting and photographs. Half of you wanted to admire the architecture while the rest of you was attempting to identify who the artist was that had done most of the artwork.

Karl sighed tiredly, popping open a door and switching on the lights. You bit back a smile at the view of his room in its pristine condition. The various shades of blues and greys accenting the features of his bed and various pieces of furniture. As you looked around, he threw his wallet and keys onto the dresser beside his bed, shutting the door to drown out the faint music coming from the kitchen. You sat in one of the massive chairs beside the fireplace, your mind running blank with disbelief. A fire was already burning in anticipation of his return.

You ran your finger along the seam in the leather. “When you said your family had money… I didn’t picture all,” you paused gesturing around you, “… this…”

He shrugged with a small smile on his face. “Do you wanna know a little piece of Karl lore?” He asked, smugly.

You perked your eyebrows at his words. “You know I do.”

He gestured with his fingers for you to come towards him as he walked closer to one of the massive windows. He settled his hand in the crook of your neck, turning you to look across the pond at a few of the other massive properties. He pressed a kiss to your shoulder before pointing at one directly in front of you. “I lost my virginity in that one,” he stated, making you chuckle.

He wrapped his arms around your waist. “And to whom?” You queried, as his teeth nipped at your ear.

You could practically hear him smirk. “Her name was Ms. Scarlet back then, but I think she’s been married again,” he answered, making you freeze in his hold. “I think she was between husband two and three.”

“Wait, what?” You turned around to face him.

He brushed his lips against yours. “You jealous?”

You furrowed your brows at him, pulling out of his touch. “Were you of age?” You questioned, voice coming out in almost a winded laugh.

He shrugged, plopping down on the bed behind him, leaning his weight back on his hands. “Not the first time.” He smiled up at you. “She’s a friend of mine’s mom. I cut her grass that summer.”

You rubbed your eyes. “Jesus Christ,” you murmured. “Did you hook up again after that?” It was like he had opened Pandora’s box, a mass of questions echoing like bees within your mind.

He looked at the ceiling. “We stopped before my sophomore year of college, I think.” He furrowed his brows in thought. “Yeah, so almost five years.” Your mouth gapped slightly. “But only when I came back for breaks.”

“You were seventeen?” You stressed. “And when you came back from where?” You sat beside him, attempting to decide if you should be worried or not. Obviously, it wasn’t a fact you could change, but the fact that a woman had him at so young-

He hummed slightly. “Boarding school,” he mumbled, trying not to seem smug. He wrapped his arm around your waist. “I know it sounds bad now, but she wasn’t taking advantage of me or anything,” he assured. “I think you’d like her, honestly.”

“You think I’d like a woman that preys on little boys?” He snorted at your comment and you smacked his chest, making him laugh louder.

He dug his face into your neck. “Age of consent is lower here,” he continued to assure. “Baby, I’m okay.” His teeth nipped at your skin. “Plus, I don’t think I’d know how to make you feel so good without her.” That made you green around the gills. You attempted to put the thought of Karl and an older woman out of your mind. “How did you lose yours?”

You swallowed your questions, deciding to save them for another day. “In a treehouse before I left for college. With my roommate’s twin brother,” you murmured.

He chuckled. “Oh, shit. We’re both bad friends, aren’t we?” He jested.

You shook your head, chewing the inside of your cheek. “I was dating him, actually. It was really brief.”

“The sex or the relationship?” He asked, making two gesture two fingers into the air. He pulled away from you, sending you a small smile. “And what’s his name? I need to know who you’re comparing me to.”

You scoffed. “Clay,” you answered, the image of the boy flashing into your mind for an instant.

Karl’s demeanor changed. “Clay?” He repeated, sounding like you earlier as you wrapped your brain around the extent of the Jacobs fortune. “What does that seem so familiar…” he trailed off in thought. You perked your eyebrow at him, knowing full-well the two could have unintentionally crossed paths on campus.

The next morning, you could have sworn you were on the set of a period piece if it weren’t for Karl’s father’s golfing attire and his mother’s tight black dress as they welcomed various family members into the house. You had finally met Karl’s older brother, an accomplished man with a good job and an even more impressive education, yet each time he attempted to boast about his earnings or the progress he was bringing to the family business, he was swatted off only for his parents to gloat about Karl’s fraternity connections and grades.

You peered over Karl’s shoulder as he showed you Todd’s Instagram post, the two of you scoffing before you liked his picture from your account, making Karl roll his eyes as you snickered.

“… And that being said, renting cars is no longer a strenuous task,” Karl’s brother finished.

Mrs. Jacobs nodded her head slightly. Karl had mentioned the family joke of disregarding what his brother said, even if it was impressive or you were interested. It had been a running gag since Karl was in high school and they weren’t planning on letting up anytime soon. “Yeah, that’s neat. Did you hear Karl learned how to do his own laundry?” His mom boasted with a small chirp to her voice as if Karl were the best thing on the planet.

You bit back a laugh as his brother grumbled to himself, his wife patting his arm reassuringly. “He was also one of the most expensive at KA. Very impressive son!” His dad added, sending him a thumbs up.

You stood with Karl in the living room; his arm draped around the top of a bookshelf you were leaning against as you both listened to one of his cousins talk about a new boat they had just paid off.

Your heels felt tight on your feet as you switched the weight from one ankle to the other, leaning closer to Karl. He moved so his lips were near your ear. “Don’t let him fool you. It’s a hollowed-out log with a rudder,” he chided, making the corner of your mouth twist up.

“It’s not much, but it’s honest,” you mockingly defended. “You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

“Inexplicably,” he murmured back, making you laugh quietly. He let a beat of silence pass between the two of you before wetting his lips. “Say the word and we’ll find a random room and I’ll ruin your makeup,” he whispered.

You scoffed, inching closer to him while your eyes remained on the center of the room where everyone was talking. “How can you be horny around your family?”

You could feel his warm breath against your neck. “Because I’m more focused on you in that tight little dress than Kevin’s boat.”

You took a sip from your cup. “Dirty boy,” you joshed quietly.

Karl smirked at you before his eyes drifted to the front door, a new flow of people filing into the house. You noticed him grow quiet, following his gaze to a woman and a boy around your age. They greeted Karl’s parents happily before integrating into the living room with the rest of you. You could tell by the way his face twisted smugly that the woman was Ms. Scarlet. You drew in a breath as she neared the two of you.

Karl stood up a bit straighter and you bit back a laugh, making a mental note on having to tease him about his MILF. The woman smiled brightly at Karl, pinching his cheek. You attempted to piece together who the boy was and if Karl had mentioned him before.

Karl cleared his throat after they shared their pleasantries. “Uh, this is Nick, but everyone calls him Sapnap, and this is his mom… Ms. Scarlet?” He questioned the last part as she charmingly laughed.

“Oh, no darling. I’m Mrs. Donahue now.” Sapnap rolled his eyes slightly at her words, taking a sip of his drink as she winked at him.

Karl smirked. “Right, congratulations. Anyway, they’ve been our neighbors for years-”

She cut him off, squeezing his arm. “Oh, come on! We were trying to marry Karl off to one of Nick’s cousins and finally join the families, but it’s just funny how things work out,” she stated. You wracked your brain, attempting to figure out if it was a dig at you or Karl. The two of them went off on a tangent about the array of Sapnap’s cousins that Karl had had to take on dates and whatnot.

“So, you’re dating Karl then?” Sapnap asked you, more of an aside as they had seemed to forget about you.

You nodded; the fact still rather foreign to you when given the chance to think about it. “Yeah, I’ll claim him,” you joked. “Did you guys go to the same high school?” You asked, attempting conversation.

He looked at you tiredly. “Yeah, yeah. We’ve been classmates since we were little.” You hummed in interest. “I mean, since he fucked my mom we haven’t been hanging out or anything,” he added as if you had been itching to ask.

You had been.

You snorted at his words as he smiled slightly. “Sorry, that’s not funny,” you apologized, covering your mouth.

He shook his head, laughing softly. “No, it definitely is, don’t worry.”

“How did, uh… that affect you guys?” You asked, biting back your humorous response.

He seemed to relax from his stiffened introduction a few minutes prior. He wet his lips. “Honestly, there’s no going back from that, you know?”

You giggled. “No, I don’t.”

He laughed at your answer, covering it with a cough as Karl seemed to remember you were standing beside him. Sapnap’s mom suddenly spotted an old friend of hers, the two parting from your life almost as quickly as they had entered. You leaned against Karl’s arm.

“I like Sapnap,” you hummed, watching the two leave. “He seems quiet.” Karl shrugged beside you. Your mind wandered to whether Sapnap knew Todd. Part of you wished you had asked him, but you were struggling to remember Todd’s real name anyway. “Did you have fun with your lady friend?” You mocked, looking up at him.

He shook his head, biting back a smirk. “You’re my lady friend.”

You chuckled. “Oh? I thought you’d forgotten.”

Before you knew it, you were pressed against Karl in a coat closet in a remote part of the house, unable to make it to his room before his hands were up your skirt and his lips were attacking your skin. He pinned you against the door as if he were worried you would slip out of his grasp as he ground his hips against yours. His teeth grazed against your neck in a mess of hands and hair.

You pushed him further into the closet before he plopped down in a chair towards the back. The both of you shared a look of confusion as to why it was there yet shrugged and went back to carding your fingers through his hair and tugging at his lips with your own. He moaned into your mouth as you climbed into his lap, his hands gripping the flesh of your thighs before snaking up to slip into the top of your dress and take your breast into one of his large hands.

Kissing him felt strange without his tongue ring; if you weren’t so desperate to get yourself off, you would have complained about missing it.

You ground yourself on his lap, groaning at your newfound friction as he spread his legs further for you, his free hand dragging you against his crotch. You pressed your lips against his neck, biting at the skin, determined to mark him as yours. You weren’t doing it to ward off Ms. Scarlet, no. This was for you, knowing full well that Karl always wore your hickeys with pride.

Your hands went to his belt buckle, impatience taking over as you nipped at his skin, earning moans of pleasure as he let you have your way with him. He pressed his lips to your chest as you freed his cock from its cloth entrapment, stroking him with your hand. “Give me your panties,” he whispered, breathlessly as he hooked his fingers around your waistband. You obliged before angling him at your entrance and sinking down onto him. The two of you let out moans of pleasure, swallowing each other’s appraisal.

The air grew warm around the two of you as you began to roll your hips against him. Your head tilting back as you tried to quiet yourself down, knowing the last thing you wanted was for someone to walk in… again.

Karl’s fingers moved to unzip your dress, exposing your chest to his mouth as your fingers moved to tug at his dark locks. He ground his hips up into yours, a thankful moan slipping past your lips as his tongue pressed against the valley between your breasts.

You pushed him against the back of the chair, capturing his lips against your and slipping your tongue into his mouth. He completely submitted to your actions, wanting nothing more than to taste you as you began to ride him harder. Your nails dug into the back of the chair, your other hand moving to unbutton the top of his shirt and wrap around his neck. “Is she better than me?” You asked; your breath husky and demanding as his teeth flashed back at you, his leering smirk mixing with his blissed-out expression as he tried not to roll his eyes at how good he felt with you taking all of him.

“N-no. Of course not,” he groaned. His lips were pink from your teeth, cheeks flushed with lust and adrenaline as his blunt nails raked up your body to claw at your back. “Fuck, you feel so good,” he moaned, voice almost a whimper.

You moved your hand to press your thumb to brush against his bottom lip, loving the pleasured expression on his face as he looked at you like you owned him. “Good,” you answered plainly, swirling your hips and tightening your grip on his neck before you could feel your impending orgasm nearly within reach. He almost smiled up at you. What a little freak.

You moved your hand to fist in the front of his shirt, pulling him up to press your lips against his as you bounced on top of him. He let out a deep moan before you felt him release, making you scoff sardonically. His fingers moved to grip your hips, thrusting against you harder, determined to get you to follow him. You dug your face into the crook of his neck, his teeth digging into your skin.

Shamelessly, you let him drag you over the edge, your orgasm ripping through you with a flash of heat and relief. Karl kissed you roughly, desperate to taste your moans as if looking for your approval. "That's my girl," he moaned, smiling against your lips.

As the two of you straightened your clothing and cleaned up your appearances, you went for your underpants in Karl’s pocket, but he grabbed your wrist, drawing you to his chest. “You got to be on top, that means I’m in charge of foreplay for the rest of the night,” he answered, pressing a brief and sultry kiss against your lips to wipe away your shocked expression.

“Fine, then I’m in charge when we get back and I’ll send lewds to Todd,” you threatened with an empty conscious on the matter. “Just to make it spicy. Stir it up a bit,” you joshed.

He groaned, making you smirk. “You’re playing with fire,” he mumbled.

Tag List:

@mrwinemaker @madsbbg @idiotinnit @xxtakechancesxx @chxrrymilkshake @westyywifee @kiritokunuwu @theholycakehole @itgetsatadhazy

This is an unnecessary rant about Gambit but here we are

Hi yeah so I’m procrastinating pretty hard on my school work and current pile of WIPs forming on my google docs, but I’ve noticed a lot more x-fans calling Remy narcissistic and since I did an ungodly amount of research into Gambit as well as being very into deep-diving into a character’s psychology, I figured I’d jump on that and put my two cents in.

But first I should start with saying that I’m not a professional in the field of psychology (I’ve only taken one class in psychology and I don’t plan on furthering myself in that field) and the information I’m getting is mostly from the DSM-5 as well as other articles discussing NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and of course the many, many panels I have stock-piled about Remy, so yeah don’t take what I’m saying here as gospel. Another thing, I realize that not everyone has to deep-dive into a character to find enjoyment with them, I have a few characters that I only really like because I think they’re cool, so this isn’t me trying to berate fans for not doing the same amount of research fueled by hyperfixation as I have. Honestly this is just me wanting to ramble about Remy and I just so happen to go way too deep into it sometimes kdjbvdjk

That being said, I’m completely open to critique and if I make a mistake in my assumptions I’m cool with it, just don’t be an ass about it. I’m doing this because it’s fun and I wanted to share my own personal opinions on a popular fandom headcanon, I’m not looking to start an argument over this I literally do not have the time for that.

Anyways this is gonna be a long post so I’ll put it under a read more, in case you don’t want to read this long-winded rant: TLDR; Remy isn’t a Narcissist, at most he’s egotistical/full of himself.

Don’t tag as any kind of ship, this isn’t about shipping.

Okay, so what is NPD?

So to start off, I’ve often seen people treat Narcissism the same as someone who’s incredibly prideful and arrogant (and sometimes they’re treated as synonyms of each other), and this is simply not the case. According to the DSM-5 (which I actually did read for a paper I did for sociology not that long ago) NPD is a personality disorder which is mostly characterized with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. But there’s a lot more to diagnosing someone with NPD beyond those three things; also within the DSM-5 there’s a list of nine criteria, five of which must be met for a formal diagnosis:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). 

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. 

Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

Requires excessive admiration. 

Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends). 

Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. 

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her. 

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

(Link to DSM-5 pdf) It goes way more in depth into the criteria than I am so yeah

Okay, that’s great and all, but what does this have to do with my point over a fictional character? Well on the surface you would probably assume that Remy ticks most of these boxes, and in a way I can agree, but it’s also to understand the context behind his psychology to find other possible reasons for his behavior rather than just having NPD. Sure someone can have narcissistic personality traits, but that doesn’t immediately mean they are one since some behaviors can overlap and be caused by something completely different.

To not make this go on forever, I’ll only focus on the main traits of NPD and go into why Remy doesn’t fit into that specific personality disorder.

[Disclaimer this will be my own interpretation of canon, so for all I know this could be different than what you think and I’m cool with that, just know that there’s probably gonna be bias and I can’t help it sometimes.]

Desire for Grandiosity

A notable trait in someone with NPD is wanting everything they can get, having high ambitions and doing anything to achieve that goal because they feel entitled to it. And sometimes this can lead to either conscious or intentional exploitation of others to achieve said goals. However, Remy doesn’t have big goals or ambitions in life; he doesn’t want to become a King of Thieves, he doesn’t want to be the next folk hero, he doesn’t even want to be super powerful**; all he wants is to settle down and live a normal life. That’s it. Of course he fully expects to never get that considering how eventful and crazy his life has been since he was born, but it’s something he’s expressed on multiple occasions. All he wants out of life is peace*.

*Here he was talking to Rogue about this very same thing when they were both going on a mission together in New Orleans, I can’t remember the full context but it was before their relationship really kicked off.

Very simple, mundane hopes and dreams despite the craziness of his life up until that point.

**During a fight with another version of himself called New Sun, who was powerful enough to kill the Dark Phoenix and destroy his entire planet because of a surge of his powers, he says he doesn’t want to have that kind of power. He sees this great Omega-Level power and rejects it wholly because he doesn’t want to be above everyone else.

(And yes, he does manage to kill New Sun at the cost of burning out his powers, reducing them back down to how they normally are)

As much as I don’t like citing Excalibur because frankly that characterization of him is not my favorite (that’s a rant for another day) but at the prospect of possibly having kids he seems to like the idea, and during the Hellfire Gala he mentions being okay with just watching Rogue from afar while staying home. While the rest of Excalibur is questionable at best, this is at least consistent with his dream of living a normal life with the person he loves. Nothing grand whatsoever.

Normally I would try to cite HoM because that was literally an AU where everyone got their dream life, but apparently he was also a thief in that AU too which makes me so mad that the writers would just ignore canon but whatever.

Lack of Empathy

I feel like I don’t need to explain this, but after hearing about people online accusing him of being heartless and downright awful, I guess I have to debunk it now. 

NPD usually leads to someone not understanding how other people feel or what the consequences of their actions could be, in some cases they genuinely can’t understand how their manipulation could affect their friends and loved ones and assume it’s probably their fault, not on the Narcissist. Empathy, according to google, is being able to understand and share the feelings of others, and if there’s anything Remy has, it’s empathy. In his first debut we saw him treating Storm with kindness simply because he could and empathized with her, saying that thieves need to stick together. Later on, we see him comforting her after a nightmare and not showing any signs of fear or caution most likely because he knows how it feels and goes with the next best thing to distract her from it: taking her out on a night of stealing and enjoying the town. Again, probably because that’s his best method of helping himself, so he does the same to her.

This kindness and understanding is very consistent with his character, extending it to Laura despite how much everyone was warned away from her, and to Jubilee because in a way she’s very much like him. He also shares this same empathy with Rogue when she needs it the most, once again knowing and understanding her pain.

He’s been through a lot of pain so he goes to great lengths to ensure none of his loved ones have to feel like he did.

Arrogance and Egotism

One thing I’ve seen talked about a lot is that Remy is typically seen as an arrogant bastard who just loves to talk himself up and...yeah this is pretty much true. Most writers consistently have him boast and brag and not surprisingly this is what most fans (and writers) turn to when throwing the Narcissistic label onto him; he acts super arrogant and just loves himself so much, so therefore he’s a narcissist. But as I said before, being arrogant isn’t the end all of NPD.

Judging from what I’ve gleamed from his past and what’s been hinted at on several occasions, I don’t think his arrogance comes from being a Narcissist. In fact on several occasions, he talks down about himself, even outright admitted to Rogue that he hated himself, especially after the events of what happened in Antarctica:

Someone who’s truly a Narcissist wouldn’t admit this sort of thing, they wouldn’t show shame in their actions nor think that they’re not deserving of anything; but Remy does say these things, even believing that Rogue deserves better than him because of how much baggage he has despite how much he loves her. It’s sort of become a meme at how little he pays attention to his own lack of self-esteem since he gases himself up around others, but that’s just it: he doesn’t gas himself up because he believes he’s better than everyone, he’s doing it because he believes he’s lesser and is compensating for the lack of self-esteem. Which is something trauma survivors tend to do: think the “fawn” in fight/flight/fawn. He’s pushing this persona because he knows people like the persona, but deep down he’s very troubled and believes himself inadequate (couple that with abandonment issues and suddenly there’s a lot more reason to believe he isn’t a Narcissist).

In Conclusion. . .

Remy isn’t a Narcissist despite what comic writers want to present to the x-fans out there. To me, and this is going purely off my own personal interpretation, Remy is someone who’s done horrible things in his past and has paid the price for it ten times over, and how he tries to safe-guard himself from his own demons is by touting himself as some big-shot with an angel’s smile; nothing can stop him because he’s on top of the world. But in the end, all that is is a persona, a mask he presents to the rest of the world. After experiencing so much pain in his life, he has to keep whatever is left of his mental state safe by covering it up, not exposing his wounds and insecurities to anyone. And oftentimes he’s so good at keeping it that he forgets he’s wearing it, but if that means Remy LeBeau gets to rot away in a corner while Gambit lives high on life, then he’s content with keeping it that way. 

At least until the mask falls off. . .

Anyways. 

This took a lot longer than I expected, namely because I was trying to do this between school work and also procrastinating so much on finding the panels and writing out all my thoughts concisely (and not in the form of screeching and keysmashes like my metas usually are). But in the end I had a fun time doing research into this and of course any chance to talk about Remy (and debunking popular fanon around him) is just a fun time for me period. Just as a reminder, this is my own personal opinion and it doesn’t have to be yours, we can disagree and I’m fine with that; this is just how I show love of a character by putting them through Pain and talking about the Pain.

But with that being said I hope y’all enjoyed this long ramble and have a good day/night/afternoon! 

just wanted to have something cute at the end

📓 !!

Okay im so excited please know I think about How The Light Gets In's world every day still, and so anyways here is a side story I want to write but there's a lot of set up regarding the reader and eef becoming friends again. For context, they were incredibly close around 2014-2017, but people were getting creepy and invasive and demanding about their friendship (think 2012 toxic side of the Phandom, if that makes sense), and a lot of the reader's relationships were strained at that time because while they had been successful before, they were absolutely blowing up after their first album released and they became far more mainstream. They felt like they were bothering the people they had become closest to, both because they're worried that they're a bother, and because gossip rags and paps would harrass their friends looking for a scoop, and so they ended up just completely cutting off contact without warning one day right before they went on their first tour. the start of HTLGI is about 3 years since they'd been in proper contact with any of the creators they were close to at that time.

DON'T LOOK AT ME on their 2017 ep Hyperfocus was a more general song in response to everything that had been happening in their life around that time, with a focus on how they stop associating with anyone for a while, without outright addressing it, but on their latest album n o s t a l g i a, read at 5am ft. Troye was specifically written at the start of quarantine, when the reader was getting back into YouTube, about their feelings regarding how their friendship with ethan ended, as they spent a lot of this time looking back of their YouTube career, and he was the person they were closest to for a very long time, before they iced everyone out.

OKAY SO THERES MORE OF THE BACKGROUND OF THE WHOLE FIC AND THE READER BUT

Werewolf Ethan & Mark. I'm sorry I don't make the rules. They have golden retriever energy you cannot change my mind. But also because this is the HTLGI you know that supernatural characteristics are able to be activated rather than just triggered by the full moon. What I'm trying to say is since this is set in the year of Unus Annus, they film a video together that's like, you know that show where a person has to try and outwit a professional tracker? Except its the reader being tracked by two werewolves at night in a national park. Reader is wearing some sort of night vision camera on themselves so whenever it cuts to them the audience can't actually see how they're using their powers, if that makes sense.

Also the reader agreed to this knowing it would probably be when they ended up telling Mark and Ethan about them being a demon.

Video is titled Hunting Down An Old Friend

A few Moments that the boys edit out:

The reader using their stupidly sharp prehensile tail to swing from tree branches, though they leave in shots where the reader's tail can't be seen.

Knowing that with the werewolves having advanced hearing, the reader would give themselves away by talking to the camera, they take a few minutes having flown up to a high tree branch, to pull out a notebook and do a little sketch of how Mark and Ethan appear in their Demon True Sight, and holding it up to their camera.

Werewolves being one of the animals who can kind of sense demons without being able to identify them, essentially like dogs can sense natural disasters and are often good judges of character, this can be heightened on command for werewolves. There's about 15 minutes of footage cut out of the boys discussing or mentioning how this place has awful vibes and that they should have done this during the day. It gets worse as they get closer to the reader, who didn't realise that the boys hadn't thought to ever use that particular power around them before.

("I say this with so much love and appreciation for you, dude," Ethan yells, looking up at you from the base of the tree they'd finally found you in, "but I- this is making me anxious I feel like something terrible's gonna happen, and we should probably get out of here and film the rest of the video back at Mark's." And behind him, Mark's nodding, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, eyes scanning the trees for whatever was most likely the cause of this terrible impending doom.

Oh. It's you. And they don't know its you.

Now or never, you suppose.

"Can you cut the cameras for a second? You're going to be fine I promise," you called back, and though they obligingly did, they both seemed antsy. You cleared your throat awkwardly, "that... that terrible feeling, that's not the park or anything in it- well I mean, it is, but it's just- it's me."

and later

"Dude your wings smell like rotten eggs."

"To YOU Ethan! And no they don't!"

"If it makes you feel better they smell like burning and rotten eggs."

"It does not."

(for reference, when enhancing their sense of smell werewolves can kind of distinguish various supernatural creatures, or parts of supernatural creatures. Some creatures have an inherent scent, but some, like angels and demons, only have distinct scents when they've activated certain attributesor abilities; demon wings smell like fire and brimstone, which unfortunately means burning and rotten eggs. I like to think angels wings are like the love potion in Harry Potter that smells like the things you love the most. Mark and Ethan usually don't enhance it around each other because they smell like wet dog to the other)

This gets about 2k notes on tumblr. The reader likes it:

Ethan finally finding Y/N at the end of Hunting Down An Old Friend (2020) Colourised.

Other things to note regarding all this:

It takes a while to rebuild their friendship to the point where they're comfortable enough to be on camera together (eef and reader specifically).

However, the Unus Annus video is the first thing they properly do together, and the reader, in an effort to connect more and make up for the past, will join in multiplayer gaming streams if asked.

Impromptu duet in proximity Among Us of Young Volcanoes by Fall Out Boy, which has their respective chats and fandoms losing their minds, except it stops abruptly after the first chorus as they both remember the opening lines of the second verse (make it easy, say I never mattered -- those lyrics hit a little too close to home)

But also the reader convinces him to join him for a proper cover in like, February of 2021, and it's something deeply sappy (I'm thinking Bon Iver by mxmtoon because I think its sweet and fits them well)

Also Ethan being reminded that the reader is kind of a much bigger deal than when they'd been friends before.

designed to hurt (touch me) from their ep Working On It is nominated for a Grammy for Track of the Year, and n o s t a l g i a wins Best Pop Album (because it's my fic and I said so)

FIRST OF ALL designed to hurt (touch me) is a beautifully produced song about Corpse (which people do not know) and the title itself is literally making fun of something he said IMAGINE his reaction to it being Grammy Nominated 😂😂😂 God he'd be proud but lowkey fuming, meanwhile the moment the nominations are announced the reader tweets:

me: here is an album where I processed my entire world view including heartfelt explorations of the trauma of existing and oversharing in the public eye from a young age without the traditional barrier between audience and entertainer

the grammys: that's cute BUT you know the song you wrote to bully your boyfriend and also be horny on main for him before you guys were even dating? THAT deserves its own recognition.

meanwhile Ethan's like..... this is the same person who I filmed a video with playing cards against humanity, and you laughed so hard you almost threw up. I am very proud but deeply confused.

The Hot Meme of Late April 2021 is "2 time Grammy Award Winning Artist Y/N" with a gif, still, or quote from the reader where they're just being an absolute chaos gremlin.

Of course we have "If I bleached my asshole for charity I'd do it tastefully."

2 Time Grammy Award Winning Artist Y/N speaking to their actual boyfriend in the year of our lord 2020: You are being executed for Clown Crimes.

ethan posts a short video to twitter simply of his screen where he's renaming a folder from "Never Before Seen Images of Grammy Award Winning Artist Y/N" simply changing it to 2 time Artist. The reader responds specifically to his tweet with a video of themselves asking Google how to hard reset someone else's computer.

So many screenshots from old videos surface that week.

I miss this world. Sorry this is rambly!!

Pairing: Dean Winchester / Castiel Warnings: None Word Count: 2.574 Challenge: @sqz-zine Summary: Castiel loves his flower shop more than anything, but lately he can’t stop thinking about a customer. So he sends him flowers and hopes Dean gets what he’s trying to say. Link (if posted on AO3): https://archiveofourown.org/works/31529894

“Dean, come on!”

Castiel looks up when he hears the small bell above the door of his flower shop. There is a tall man standing in the door, with long hair and a deep frown. Castiel looks back at the flowers in his hands, puts them down and then wipes his hands on his apron.

“Yeah, Sam. Chill.” There’s a different voice and then another guy steps into the small shop. Castiel’s heart beats a lot faster at that sight. This Dean looks like he is straight out of a disney movie. Green eyes, dark blond hair. Freckles.

Castiel swallows.

“Hello, can I help you?” Castiel is surprised that he is still able to talk. The taller man, Sam, turns to him with a small smile, while Dean just stares at him. Castiel feels a bit uncomfortable.

“I’m looking for a nice bouquet for my wife.” Sam explains and he smiles at Castiel. That’s like Castiel’s easiest request. They already got some bouquets ready, but some customers wanna decide for themselves which flowers they put inside.

“Sure thing, you got anything special in mind?” Castiel asks him and he walks around the counter. Dean seems not super interested at all and is already on his phone. Castiel tries not to be disappointed.

His job isn’t to flirt with customers.

“Well… a year ago Eileen and I got married, so… I got something special planned for tonight.” Sam says and he looks so in love while he says that. Castiel feels himself smiling at that. Love must be so nice.

“Oh congratulations. Well what do you say Eileen likes? Maybe something traditional like roses or something more wild?” Castiel asks, but he is already picturing a beautiful bouquet in his head.

“How about something like that?” Sam says and he points at the purple hyacinth. Castiel raises his eyebrows, he understands that they look indeed very beautiful, but Castiel speaks the language of the flowers and…

“Purple Hyacinths. They do look very nice, but they stand for mostly sorrow, so I wouldn’t really recommend them for this.” Castiel says and he sees how Sam’s a bit surprised by this.

“Oh well no, that is not what I intended. She just loves purple.” Sam stutters out, but Castiel just smiles. He likes the color purple as well.

“Flowers have meanings?” Dean asks suddenly and Castiel almost jerks, because he hadn’t realized that the other man came back towards them again.

“Uh yeah, it’s the language of the flowers, I learned all about it when I opened this shop.” Castiel says and Dean looks really surprised, but also actually interested.

“Cool. I only ever knew about red roses meaning love.” Dean says and then his smile turns so beautiful, that Castiel has to blink a few times. Dammit. He’s really not good at flirting.

So he just nods and then goes over to some other bouquets. He has some really sweet purple and white combinations that he is pretty proud of.

“So here we got white jasmines, which mean sweet love or amiability. white clovers they mean ‘think of me’ and purple sorrels, which stand for affection. I know they’re not fancy, I do like more natural bouquets and…” Castiel starts to ramble, but Sam stops him before he embarrasses himself even more.

“I love it, it looks very beautiful.” Sam says and Castiel smiles thankfully at him. He takes one of the prettiest of the bouquets and carries it to the check-out when Sam says that he doesn’t need anything else.

While Sam pays for his flowers, Castiel can see that Dean stands at some lovely sunflowers and carefully touches their petals. The sunlight just hits him beautifully and Castiel’s heart squeezes.

He does seem interested in the flowers.

“Do you want some flowers as well?” Sam asks, when he finished paying and Dean is still looking through all the flowers. It’s clearly meant to be a joke but Dean shakes his head and he does seem a bit sad.

“Nah, not like I ever got some. Why start now?”

They leave shortly after.

Castiel can’t get the thought of his head all day. He wishes he could buy flowers. He looks back down at Sam’s contact info that he had left here for any future purposes and nods to himself.

Maybe he should be brave for once. So he calls Sam.

*

“Uhm hello?”

Castiel looks up from his work and his heart almost jumps out of his chest, when he sees that it’s Dean. Oh no, hopefully he hadn’t known that Castiel sent him the flowers.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel says and then bites on his tongue. Oh yeah so not creepy that he knows someone's name after being in this shop one time.

“Hi uh I know this is probably super unusual, but my brother bought a bouquet of flowers here like two weeks ago and you two talked about how flowers… mean something?” Dean says and he still has his hands behind his back.

“The language of flowers.” Castiel says and Dean nods.

“Yeah that and I… Well yesterday I found some flowers in front of my door. They uh got delivered and I wondered… if you could explain to me what they mean?” Dean says then he puts the flowers on the counter that Castiel had sent to him.

“These are white camellia.” Castiel says and he carefully touches the flowers. Castiel had used the most beautiful ones he had.

“And what do they mean?” Dean asks and he takes them back into his own hands. Castiel loves the soft smile on his face, even though he seems a bit nervous as well.

“You’re adorable.”

Dean actually ducks his head and Castiel can see how he blushes right in front of him. It makes his freckles stand out even more and Castiel’s chest squeezes almost painfully. God, Dean is so beautiful.

Castiel would be lucky to have someone like him.

“Uh- thanks.” Dean says and then his eyes widen almost comically. Castiel tilts his head to one side, because he is not really sure if he understands what’s happening.

“Oh my god, sorry. You mean that is the meaning of the flowers.” Dean says and he strokes his own hair, looking so incredibly embarrassed.

“Well yes. But you are adorable.” Castiel says and he has no idea why he’s so brave. Normally Castiel would rather die than admit something like that. Dean’s shy smile is worth it in the end.

“Thank you.” Dean says and he presses the flowers closer to his chest before he leaves Castiel’s shop. He almost stumbles on his way out.

Castiel hums happily to a nonexistent music all day.

*

“Hiya Cas!”

Dean looks happy today, when he opens the door to the shop. The last weeks Castiel had sent him flowers each tuesday and on wednesday Dean would come over and they’d talk about the meanings.

He doesn’t seem to know that Castiel is sending him these, but maybe it’s better this way. Dean is far out of his league.

“Hello Dean, how are you?” Castiel asks and he puts his watering can down. He had a busy day, but he would always make time for Dean.

“Good, thank you. I got new flowers.” Dean says and he grins so widely. Castiel loves to see him so happy. Dean had told him more than once by now how much he loves flowers and that most people would probably look weirdly at him for it.

“I can see that. They do look very beautiful. Gardenia. They stand for secret love.” Castiel explains and Dean’s eyes widen.

“You actually think they love me?” Dean asks and he seems so utterly surprised that Castiel’s heart aches for him. He had learned soon enough, that Dean thinks he isn’t worth anything. especially so much trouble.

“Yeah.” Castiel answers only and he can hear his own heartbeat throbbing loudly in his ears. God, Dean has to be the most oblivious person in the world, because he just smiles so happily again.

“So uhm… how is your garden working out?” Castiel asks because it’s spring and his own garden at home looks really bad. Castiel almost has never time to look after his own flowers at home and his garden is really small, but his landlord is an asshole anyway.

“It looks really good, thanks to you Cas. I planted so many camellias.” Dean says and he winks at Castiel. Camellias were the first flowers Castiel had sent Dean, but he hadn’t known they were Dean’s favorites.

“Camellias are truly beautiful.” Castiel agrees and he hopes one day his garden can be as beautiful as Dean’s one day.

“Why don’t you come over some time? I surely could use a professional opinion on them.” Dean says so casually, but Castiel knows him good enough by now to tell that he’s nervous. Castiel smiles.

“Dean I would love to.”

Castiel knows that Dean doesn’t mean this as a date, but he still couldn’t be happier. Of course at first Dean’s looks had caught Castiel’s eyes.

But the way Dean seemed disappointed that he’d never gotten flowers before, had made Castiel send him flowers.

And he had learned so fast what a sweet person Dean really is. He loves his brother Sam and his wife Eileen and he would literally kill anyone that talks back about his little nephew Jack.

Sometimes Dean spends hours talking about his own dreams. Having kids of his own, settling down, and having someone with him.

Castiel would give everything to be that person.

*

A week later Castiel walks through the streets with a new flower bouquet in his hands. This time they are pink camellias, since he knows now that Dean really loves those.

They mean ‘longing for you’ and that couldn’t be more true. Castiel knows he should be happy that he and Dean are already good friends, but he can’t help but long for something more.

He sighs.

Tomorrow he would officially meet up with Dean at his tiny house. In reality Castiel visits this house for over three months by now to drop off his flowers. He knows when Dean works at the garage by now, so he can easily leave his flowers at Dean’s doorstep without being seen.

It’s raining a bit today and Castiel is glad that Dean’s door is roofed over, so the bouquet wouldn’t be ruined by the time that Dean comes home.

Castiel can’t help but smile, when he sees Dean’s house. It looks so beautiful, he can’t really see the garden from the streets, only a huge apple tree that grows a bit over the roof, but he knows it will look stunning.

Like always he kneels down at the blue front door and puts the bouquet down.

There’s a noise inside.

Castiel’s heart stops.

The door opens.

“Hiya Cas.”

Castiel isn’t sure how he manages to stay conscious, but he slowly looks up to see Dean leaning against the doorway.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel answers slowly and he gets up again. He leaves the bouquet on the ground and he can feel the heat rising in his cheeks. Oh my god, Dean had seen him. Dean knows.

Castiel swallows loudly.

“Oh are those camellias again? My favorite! What do these one stand for?” Dean says and he acts like nothing unusual happened. Castiel needs a moment to find his voice again. Maybe this is a trick?

“Longing for you.” Castiel barely whispers.

“They’re beautiful and I just got the perfect spot for them.” Dean says and with that he turns around and goes back inside his house. Castiel isn’t sure what he should do, but then Dean is already calling for him.

Castiel steps inside and carefully pulls off his shoes, since he had seen that Dean is only in socks as well. He walks towards the door Dean vanished into and sees it’s the kitchen. It looks just like Castiel had imagined it.

Cozy and warm and so full of love. It smells like the apple pie that Dean had set on the counter. And right in the middle of the table, Dean has an empty vase and puts the flowers into it.

“Dean… I don’t think I really understand.” Castiel admits carefully and finally Dean turns back to him. At least he doesn’t look angry or disgusted. Maybe they could still save their friendship.

“Well I’m not the only one with uh… secrets. I know it’s been you for a while now.” Dean admits and he takes a step closer. Castiel feels so embarrassed. Had he been this reckless and stupid?

“Oh.” Castiel mutters.

“Sammy couldn’t hold his big mouth.” Dean says and Castiel chuckles weakly at that. While he had enjoyed gifting Dean flowers and crushing on him, Castiel had never thought about what would happen if Dean knew one day.

“Dean, I’m sorry… I didn’t…” Castiel starts to explain this somehow, but Dean stops him.

“Wait, I uh got something for you as well.” Dean says and he is out of the room again. Castiel hopes he wouldn’t get his ass kicked now, but Dean comes back with another bouquet.

“What?”

“Well obviously I’m not very good at the language of flowers. This is the only meaning I know.” Dean says and then he pushes the red roses in Castiel’s hands, who has a hard time believing that this is really happening.

“I love you.” Castiel whispers more into the flowers than to Dean. The roses are in his shop’s wrapping paper so Dean must have bought it when Castiel wasn’t working, but his helper Samandriel was.

“Yeah I know it’s a bit forward, but I really like you and I thought…” Dean starts but Castiel shakes his head. This time he makes a step forward towards Dean and puts the roses on the table.

“No, I mean, I’m in love with you, Dean.” Castiel says and it actually feels good to finally say it. Dean looks like he’s tearing up and for a split second Castiel thinks he has said something wrong, but then Dean is already kissing him.

Castiel closes his eyes and finally kisses Dean back. His hands find Dean’s warm cheeks and he forgets about the world around them.

When they break the kiss Castiel can’t help the huge smile on his face. Dean’s eyes flutter slowly open and Castiel presses another short kiss to his lips.

“I aloe you very much.” Dean says like the dork he is and Castiel snorts. Well he had known right from the start that Dean is adorable. Castiel would even bet that Dean had practiced this.

“While Aloes stand for affection, they could also easily stand for grief.” Castiel says and Dean groans.

“No, you don’t get to ruin my brilliant joke.” Dean says, but he is laughing and Castiel can’t help but laugh himself. He had never pictured himself this happy.

“It wasn’t that brilliant.” Castiel says and Dean looks so scandalized that Castiel laughs loudly. God he knows why he fell in love with Dean.

“Okay, then I really lilac you.” Dean says and Castiel groans.

“Lilacs stand for…” Dean presses a hand over his mouth and Castiel can’t help but chuckle again. Maybe they’re both the worst.

“Maybe we should stop talking.” Dean whispers and pulls his hands away. Castiel has to admit that he really likes that idea.

He kisses Dean quiet.

Have you noticed how every time Darren does something upsetting, he relies on the Warblers or Glee to get people's attention again? It may not be him on social media since he says he doesn't know how to use it but it seems to be a trend to me. I really do not know where they're trying to lead his career. He's become so unrecognizable. It's like that Britney episode in season 4 of Glee. Are they trying to ruin him to build him up again, like a comeback? I wish I knew but it's been years and it's time for him to regain control of his life.

This ep was such a rambly incoherent mess that the part I ended up enjoying the most was him realizing that it had in fact been 10 years since the glee live tour. What an insane time that was. Glee at its apex in terms of popularity - the fact that this show had enough pull at that time to sell out a venue like the O2? Crazy. Everything was Klaine and nothing hurt. It was glorious and it looked like we had nowhere to go but up. Little did we all know that RIB was waiting in the wings with a folding chair, preparing to kneecap us all. But that's a rant for another post. I don't know if they had planned to talk about concerts this week or D was just working on a stream of consciousness and that's where they ended up but I was pleasantly surprised that he brought the tour up.  And then posted a pic later?  Even more surprised.  His press is so hard to figure out because on the one hand - it tries like hell to suppress any and all references to Blaine and Klaine - and then on the other, we get things like his livestream last November celebrating the 10 year anniversary of his first appearance on the show and a tb Warbler pic yesterday.  The ease with which he still talks about his time on glee makes me think that he would be happy to be reminded of it, but his pr team would rather lock it up and throw away the key if they could get away with it.  Its to the point where I don’t trust that 90% of what’s posted on his SM is from him.  The nonsense captions, grammar and spelling mistakes, the overuse of emojis, and the trying so hard to be cool and young you end up sounding older than you are - its all so embarrassing and such an insult to D’s intelligence.  Which is on clear display if you listen to him speak for 5 minutes.

There’s always an agenda with SM as well and that’s not something that is particular to D.  That goes for any celeb out there with an online presence. It may not have started out that way, but that’s what its become - to foster or grow a certain narrative. And the fact that most celeb accounts are not actually run by the celeb themselves is again not particular to D.  It just feels more glaring in his case because his team is so fucking bad at it.  Like really bad.  And it feels like they use his accounts to further their agenda for him and not D’s actual career.  He’ll do or say something that feels authentically D and then we must get some pic or something that counteracts it with the straight dude bro frat boy narrative.  Or we get his immature selfish bride pasting absolute garbage onto his professional account because she’s an attention whore of the highest order and does not care how she makes him look.  None of them do. Its then left to him to pick up the pieces while they go cash their check because he’s an ATM to them and nothing more.  I don’t know any other celeb who’s manager gets as much face time as their client does.  This whole Celeb IOU thing is the perfect example of it.  There really should be a rule that if you’re the person who books the client on the show, you don’t get to be the one who benefits from the reno.  Because now it looks like you only signed him on so you can get your house fixed.  Which is so gross.  So he sits back and gets to listen to D tell the whole world how great a person he is, how much he means to him, what a great job he does as his manager (god that just feels slimy typing it), and how happy he is to be able to do this for him while literally counting the money he’s making off of his appearance here.  What the actual fuck?  Thank you for taking something that could have been fun and delightful and making it repellent.  Chuck has a house, doesn’t he?  He could have selected him and I’d watch the shit out of that.  

I have no idea where they are trying to lead his career.  I don’t think they know because that would take actual work and knowledge and effort.  Its much easier to book ads and promos and stupid little things that lead nowhere that are cash grabs.  D is 34 years old but his team would prefer to keep him 20 if you judge him by his SM.  The dumb comments on tiktoks.  The incoherent illegible responses to tweets.  Gifs on instagram.  He goes out of his way over and over again to tell us that he’s rarely on SM, he’s terrible at it, he doesn’t know how to use it...so if that’s the case, then who’s posting as him?  Three guesses.  I’d love nothing more than to see him dump his work family all on their collective asses and watch as they struggle for relevance without their meal ticket while he goes on to bigger and better team once he has an actual honest to goodness professional team in place.  One that’s more interesting in lining his shelves with awards than their pockets with his money.

i need a spell. a guy dumped me 5 months ago and i cant get over him. i hate him and love him at the same time. i try not to think about him but i still do every minute of every day. i want to feel nothing towards him, i want to barely think of him.

well, you got a couple options here. I know what it feels like to have a broken heart and how catatonic it can make a person and how difficult it can be to function at all in that state, so I’m not gonna reference any particularly specific methods or ingredients, as, it can be very hard to climb out of bed, much less go the whole extra mile of sourcing rare materials and archaic texts.

 I’mma start by saying I’m neither a therapist nor a particularly sparkling example of perfect mental health, and you definitely shouldn’t take any advice of mine above that of a professional or above your own bullshit detector, but since you asked -

You could make poppets of the both of you, join them with a thread, and ritually cut it to symbolize the finality of separation. If you’re too depressed to manage actual poppets, stones could work. don’t forget to Name them properly, as one does, and bury them far from each other when the rite is complete.

you could make a mockup of a heart in fabric, ritually carry it through the stages of being whole, broken by him, and then sew it back together while ritually pronouncing him banished and store it someplace safe. 

You could also start a rumor on facebook that he has some particularly virulent strain of highly contagious flesh eating bacterial infection, or that he has a strange habit of smelling his toilet papers post-wipe. (I jest. Or do I? I do. OR DO I?!) 

Regardless, when you can manage it, you should definitely dispose of anything of his you still have in your possession. Clean your living space as good as you are able, maybe with an herbal vinegar tuned to the sun (won’t be long till dandelion season, here) and reave your spaces of every reminder you can manage, maybe throw down salt and chili’s and sweep them out the door, mop the floors with a banishing mixture - Take back the control of your situation by literally kicking out every last little shred of him you can, of your own free will. 

If you’re dreaming of him, make an amulet to drive off nightmares or straight up banish him from your dreams every night if you have to. 

 if you work with your ancestors, Gods, or spirits, you can absolutely ask them to help purge what’s left of his influence from you in the interest of moving on. 

you might notice all of this advice is of the “Banish him and finalize the separation” bent rather than attempting to rewire a grieving brain overnight by magic. People are all welcome to their own opinions and methods, but for my two cents, you’re probably better off to focus on moving on solidly and surely rather than trying to scapegoat the process of grief from rejection and bypass your natural feelings about it. 

on the mundane side - which is the real challenge, if i’m being honest - anyone can feel powerful in the circle, that’s the point. The trouble is sleeping at night, carrying on, showing up to work,(if you do)  with a gaping hole in your chest in the shape of some probably-not-even-that-cute-if-you-really-look-at-him-asshole. this is going to run on a bit, both in the case of you, anon, being able to make use of any of my ramblings, and for anyone else in your position. 

I once, finally, extricated myself from a terrible abusive relationship that lasted about 7 years with a guy I kept taking back by sitting down and making a huge, long list of every little thing about him I disliked, from the fact that he liked to throw me into walls when I tried to quietly exit an argument he insisted we had to have to the fact that his hygiene was subpar and his taste in music was cringe personified, and contrasting it with the (much shorter) list of things I actually did like about him.

 In these kinds of situations,  being really, really honest about how you really feel about a person and how they treated you can make a world of difference and helps to get into the swing of focusing on self preservation rather than self flagellation - even if the censor in your head wants to tell you you’re being unreasonable or selfish - it’s not your business to be a soup kitchen to graciously and thanklessly feed every ungrateful asshole you come across. be selfish. on purpose. to hell with him and the opinions of anyone about your thought processes when they don’t have to live in your head - you gotta be on your own team. 

being honest with yourself and why it wasn’t working for *you* to begin with, goes a long way toward helping to break out of the cycle of grief, and I guarantee, once you start giving yourself room to really explore the ways in which you weren’t feeling appreciated, or where your boundaries weren’t respected, or where maybe, possibly, a little bit, it’s not the loss of him specifically so much as the feeling of rejection itself - it becomes a snowball effect and gets much, much easier to connect the dots between every little instance of feeling Less Than Great about him - once you tear off that seal that says you have to worship his memory. it’ll also make it easier in the future to intuit when a romantic interest is not a good idea. Even if he was prince charming, I have no doubt, if you spent any length of time together, there were times when he undermined your opinion or made you feel unappreciated, or even just annoyed you or weirded you out or displayed a lack of a value you hold important, and perhaps in the moment you advocated for him, made excuses for him, gave him the benefit of the doubt. stop doing that, where he’s concerned, and advocate instead for yourself. you’re probably a good, sensitive, caring person, to even still be thinking about anyone after all this time, and I know there may be a reflex in you that wants you to examine how it could have been different, but whoever you are, you absolutely don’t need him, he is not living proof of chekhovs gun, he is not the key to your happiness, he is not the thing that gives you worth or denies it, he is a footnote. You already lived without him before y’all even met, and you can do it again. 

Even if as you swing from “baby come back” to “Well fuck you too then.”, if you can spend more time in the latter than the former-  that’s still progress, and, when you can find a little motivation, try to find something new to apply yourself to. Regardless of what it is, even if it’s pointless in the greater scale of your life, if challenging yourself to rewatch a tv show and count every purple curtain, or learn the correct honorific grammar for a language you never even intend to fully learn, or learning to roll a coin across your knuckles, if it’s something you’re focusing on that ain’t him - that’s something. I know with covid happening, it’s very hollow and kinda of shitty to say “Find positive things to fill your life with instead.” when most of our lives are upended and we’re trapped inside, but, seriously, even if it’s sudoku, or memorizing the middle names of every major dictator, or googling the differences in wheel hub assemblies between different runs of freaking golf carts - anything that you can get excited about even a little bit is something.  I wish you luck, and remember - He smells his toilet papers after wiping. I’m making that canon.

Hey I was wondering what does seeing heart shape everywhere and all the time mean!!???

Hello There! It sounds like you may be experiencing a synchronicity in seeing hearts everywhere and all the time. This is going to be another long post. Before we get into some possible meanings, let’s chat for a bit about what a synchronicity is and isn’t. That way we can be sure to practice using our discernment when synchronicities are involved, and make informed and empowering choices. To be clear though, seeing symbols (repeating numbers, images like hearts, names etc) isn’t bad or dangourous. It is, however, always a good idea to look at many possible avenues before deciding what something means and then acting on it. Also for the record, I’ll be discussing synchronicities through the lense of tarot since that’s what I primarily work with and know well. Just something to keep in mind for anyone reading this.

⭐️ Google defines a synchronicity as “the simultaneous occurrence of events which appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.” This is a pretty good definition, but when people talk about seeing signs everywhere, they are often referring to the more recent and occult definition.

⭐️ In the world of the occult (which in some capacity encompass witchcraft, paganism, the New Age movement and alternative spirituality), synchronicities have taken on a significance beyond their original definition. Nowadays, we tend to see anecdotes of people noticing repeating symbols showing up, such as repeating numbers, letters, images like hearts, certain animals or even songs. Seeing these things over and over again is often interpreted as being a special sign from the universe or from spirit guides, or angels or any higher power that we hope to communicate with. As such, synchronicities can hold special meanging for the recipients. Very much like tarot, synchronicities have become a way to communicate with the unseen world of spirit and the subconscious.

⭐️ The word “synchronicity” actually hasn’t been around for that long. It was coined in the 1950’s by the psychologist Carl Jung to describe what he referred to as “meaningful coincidences”. I’ve linked some reading below if you’d like to learn some more about this. In a nutshell, Jung believed that a synchronicity was part of a deep and complex psychological process that could provide information on an individual’s subconscious and emotional experience. The idea that synchronicities were messages from Spirit guides, angels or deities was perhaps alluded to, but not explicitly part of Jung’s work.

⭐️ Today, we can use synchronicities as waymarkers of sorts. Think of them as the awake and conscious version of dream symbolism. Seeing something over and over again may trigger certain emotions or remind you of something important. The difficult thing about seeing repeating symbols everywhere is that no one else will be able to accurately interpret them for you. They are only meaningful because your mind has created emotional and/or sensory attatchments to them. For example, smelling vanilla might trigger someone’s memory of baking with grandma. This is an example of a sensory attachment that has meaning for an individual because the scent of vanilla is encoded into their memory by a particular experience.

🌟 What a synchronicity is:

A form of symbolism. Thinking through the lense of tarot, we can interpret synchronicities in a similar way. More on that in a bit. It’s important to keep in mind that all symbolism is subjective and individualistic. Because groups of people share culture and language, there is some general overlap (like a rose representing love), but the truest interpretation will always be a personal one.

An affirmation - Seeing synchronicities can affirm that we are in the right path or in the right place. They do this by helping us recall important experiences that remind us of certain qualities, goals or states that we want to achieve.

A message from Spirit, Angels or a Higher Power - This is the common belief. If your spiritual path includes some of these elements and you seek confirmation or messages through symbolism, then it’s possible that a synchronicity could be a message. This won’t be the case for everyone or all the time though. A message recieved through synchronicity or symbolism is also likely to be guidance or affirmation, rather than hard facts. We should always use our discernment when working with synchronicity in this way.

🌟 What a synchronicity isn’t:

A demand from Spirit, spirit guides or a higher power. You are never obligated do do anything when you notice synchronicities beginning to appear in your life. Instead, you can reflect on them. What might they mean in the moment that you notice them? What messages are they trying to convey.

A dire warning. Sometimes I see things floating around the internet about predicting death or serious illness, etc. These kinds of concerns are best addressed with a licensed medical professional. If you have a worry about something, seeing a synchronicity might prompt you to get it checked out with your doctor, but a synchronicty is not a diagnosis.

Universal. Synchronicities are unique and meaningful only to the recipient. While we can generalize and compare similar experiences to generate some possible interpretations, nothing will be truer than an individual’s own personal interpretation. Essentially, you know yourself best. No one else can tell you about your thoughts better than you. It is wise to use some caution here because it’s quite common for unscrupulous “psychics” to charge quite a bit of money to interpret synchronicities for other people. I’m not saying that all tarot readers and psychics who talk about synchronicities are scam artists, but there are definitely some who are. Be discerning in your selection if you go that route. Also be careful with symbolism dictionaries and interpretation guides. There’s nothing inherently wrong with them, but they may not be 100% accurate for you. If you are able to, it’s actually better (and cheaper) to create your own personal symbolism guide.

🌟 How to interpret synchronicities as symbolism.

Like tarot, symbols are a type of visual language. The most useful and meaningful interpretation is always going to be one that you create yourself. This isn’t a glamorous and magical answer, but it’s true. It also might take a bit of digging to uncover. Scott Cunningham’s book, Dreaming the Divine, outlines this process nicely for dream symbolims. I will briefly describe how to create your own personal symbolism dictionary here.

Think of what thoughts, emotions and/or physical sensations arise when you see a heart. Write this down. What words do you associate with “hearts”? Make a list and write those down too. Don’t worry if they don’t make sense. Write down everything that comes up.

Next, you’ll need to spend some time taking inventory of every time you see a heart. This doesn’t need to be fancy. You can even use the voice notes app on your phone. Every time you see a heart, make note of what you were doing and what you were thinking about in that moment. What emotions do you experience before and after noticing the heart. Write everything down.

Compare your notes from steps 1 and 2. Where do you see overlap? Make a venn diagram if this is is helpful. Otherwise, make a list. The places where both notes intersect is where you will find meaning.

🌟 Heart Symbolism

Sometimes we need a little boost to get started. I also recognize that you probably weren’t asking me to ramble on for a million years about synchronicities, and are hoping for some nice, solid info. (Sorry about that. I do have a tendency to go overboard in the explanation department.) Here are some of my personal interpretations of heart symbolism that I’ve put together after years of reading tarot. Please keep in mind that these might not work for everyone. Some are generalized and others are personal. You are welcome to use them if they resonate.

Hearts can represent: 💕

Love & Relationships

Something that you are passionate about

Something that is secret or guarded (close to the heart)

Someone’s innermost desires or feelings

A secret admirer

The core or foundation of something/the reason for something’s existence

Deeply felt or raw emotions

Connection and Empathy

Vulnerability or that someone is easily wounded by words. Sensitivity.

A wound. May be literal or metaphorical.

🌟 Sources & Links

Synchronicities: A Sure Sign You’re on the Right Path. An article from Psychology Today. Describes synchronicities as symbols of affirmation.

Synchronicity: Definition and Meaning. An article from Live Science. Goes into some of Carl Jung’s ideas and presents an opposing perspective.

Dreaming the Divine by Scott Cunningham - Not specifically about synchronicities, but addresses the subjectivity of symbolism and suggests that our own personal interpretations are more meaningful.

The Call of Intuition: How to Recognize & Honor Your Intuition, Instinct & Insight by Kris Franken - This book is about creating an empowering state of awareness for yourself and discusses how to follow the voice of your own intuition. A great starting point for anyone interested in developing stronger intuitive abilities.

Let’s Make a Song

Pairing: rnbsinger!atsumu x rnbsinger!reader

Summary/warnings: ur long term on again off again bf Atsumu wants to do your first song together. Thing is you’re currently off/honestly just cursing. 1 tiny implied nsfw sentence. Literally 1

the 2nd piece in rnb!haikyuu bc why tf not. Other

a/n: The song that’s written is change by Arin Ray & Kehlani (that’s also the cover art mentioned later)

Wc: 2.8K

When your manager relayed the invitation to collaborate with Atsumu you were rather surprised. He didn’t do many new collaborations, reserving those for people he’d worked with in the past. Then there was the fact that he hadn’t asked you personally. The two of you were more than acquainted and he definitely had your phone number. But then again it’d been months since you’d last had any contact.

The two of you had been on and off again for the larger part of your careers, meeting in high school and building a friendship for years. A year after graduation you’d decided to make the switch from friendship to relationship. And it worked. The two of you both wanted to pursue music and understood one another. You were one another’s number one fan, muse, and confidant as you grew in popularity.

He’d gotten signed before you but neither of you thought it would change things. Then he started being around less and less getting busy recording his first studio album while you continued to work independently. He’d still come back to you at the end of the night. However that was short lived thus bringing about the first of many splits over the years. It was mutual—things were too busy to give the love someone deserved.

During that first split you’d ended up getting signed yourself. In only a few months you were immediately thrusted into the same professional world as Atsumu and that brought the two of you back together. He’d seen the announcement post on social media and paraded over to yours that night rambling about the betrayal of you not telling him you were in talks with a label. He’d bought over dinner and the two of you got back to talking consistently and rekindled in mere weeks.

That had been at 19. Now at 23 the two of you were still a roller coaster. You’d broken up for a number of reasons over the years. Busy schedules, his ego, your attitude, internet rumors mixed with poor communication, poor timing, you name it. Yet the two of you always found your way back like magnets.

You weren’t quite sure what you expected when you agreed to doing a song with Atsumu, who you were currently off with. In all your years, the two of you had never done a song together. Sure you’d fucked around with writing a few times but neither of you ever used any of those songs. You two had different styles, him focusing more on heavy bass, and reminiscent on the SoundCloud style. Meanwhile you were more soulful and melodic.

You hadn’t even so much as texted atsumu in like three months So of course it was a surprise when you made your way to his for a writing session to see the lyrics he’d already come up with. Lyrics that just by the way he read them to you, were clearly about you.

you’ve got me all in my feelings And I know you get tired of running You stole my heart and I mean it When we break up, can’t wait to make up

“That’s all I got so far,” he sighed leaning back on the couch next to you. “What do ya think”

“It’s different from your usual shit. It’s softer.” You ignore the scoff he sends you and sit back on the couch before he starts complaining. “But I like it. What was the inspiration.” You’re not even sure why you asked. Maybe it was the desire to have confirmation that you really have been the one all these years. There was still a chance it could’ve been someone else

“And you say yer the smart one between us,” is all he says before grabbing his laptop off the coffee table. “I got this beat too. Suna sent it over this morning and I think I wanna use it.” You choose to ignore his confirmation as you begin to get comfortable against the couch. He plays the instrumental and it only further surprises you from just how different it was from his usual. It was undoubtedly more your style and you're almost offended that your friend hadn’t sent you the beat instead. “Ya like it?”

“Could you play it back.” You begin to hum along a few nonsensical words to yourself and you’re aware of Atsumu’s eyes on you. He watches as you hit the voice record on your phone, already aware that you do that in case you say something that you like. You try to think back to what he started with and He moves his notebook closer to you so you can get a better view of the words messily scribbled.

You can’t keep coming and going In and out of my life please make up your fucking mind I give you time and you kill it

Immediately after that he pauses much to your annoyance and ignores your complaint. “I like that.”

“Yeah?”

“Sounds like yer replying back. Like a conversation,” he nods. “Is that really how ya feel about me?” You don’t miss the way he tries to subtly put his arm around the back of the couch and subsequently you. And your laugh.

“God you’re annoying Atsumu.” You end up caving, moving the laptop back to the table in front of you and moving under his waiting arm. You can’t even deny the way you like it either, comforted by the way his hand rubs up and down your arm. “Is that how you feel about us,” you challenge referring to the lyrics he’d come up with

“Course. I look forward to making up ya know.” He chuckles and the look of faux disgust you send him before continuing. “But I mean it. Ya got my heart and have for years.” The words are paired with a kiss to your temple.

You two sit in silence for a few moments before you break it with a sigh. “I’m tired of this shit Tsumu. It’s been years of us and this and the older I get, the more draining it is. I wonder all the time if I should stay or just leave for good.” It’s the first time you’ve ever admitted it to anyone other than yourself, and it’s to the person that has the power to break your heart at any given moment. The only small comfort is that you know it’s mutual and that you hold his as well.

“If you’re tired then write it out (Y/N). It’s part of the reason I asked ya to do a song.” He nudges you to sit up and catches your eye. “I think about ya way too fucking much and I’ve thought about if shit between us was worth it too.” He looks like he’s in through for a moment before quickly grabbing his notebook scribbling for a minute before showing you.

thinking of you is all I do honestly I might go insane cause when we break up can’t wait to make up Some things will never change

He’s playing the instrumental before you can say anything waiting until a certain part and signaling for you to just wait. Then his voice softly fills your ears as he goes into the words and points at you to follow up with what you’d sung before. As you near the end you gesture for him not to stop it yet

It’s very personal to me That you give it everything Should I stay? Should I go? Should I leave? I don't know.

After that your mind blanks and you reach over to pause the track. It felt good. Really good. “I think I have my verse,” you exclaim. “And what if we repeat your part. Maybe starting from thinking of you” you half mumble the words already writing away at your own notebook. You don’t even notice the look Atsumus giving you until you look back up minutes later after humming along and trying to string the words together. “What”

“It’s nothin. Just love watching ya write that’s all.” You end up shooting him a soft smile before focusing back on the words in front of you. “Actually, this beat is more you than me so did ya wanna do the bridge”

That causes you to look up in confusion. “Are you sure? It’s your song. It’d be weird for me to have a bigger part?” Atsumu is brushing off the question of you asking him to be serious. You didn’t want to step on any toes or offend anyone.

“If it’s that big a deal to ya we can go back n forth or somthin’.” His eyes question yours for a moment before smiling in victory at your agreeing. “Besides, Suna was gonna send it to ya anyways. Paid him to let me have it instead. Didn’t take much just-Ow!” HES quickly cut off by your fist coming into contact with his shoulder. “Why’d ya-“

“You’re an ass, did you know that,” you roll your eyes in response. No wonder the beat was so different from his usual. Because the track wasn’t meant for him. You’d have to bitch at Suna later for giving the track to Atsumu of all people. And for who knows what kind of lowball offer it was. “Wanna tell me why you did that. Or I can leave. Your choice” you’re closing your notebook at this point shifting away from him a bit.

“I missed ya.” It’s the only thing he says before your scoffing and getting off the couch and starting to gather your things.  “I’m serious (Y/N).” The feeling of his hand grabbing at yours causes you to stop. “I kept thinking about us and couldn’t Bring myself to text. I got Suna to give me the track cause I wanted to see ya and talk.”

“Why couldn’t you just text?”

“I can say it better in a song. And I know you can too. Now c’mon don’t go alright?” You allow him to tug you back down onto the couch with a sigh. He wasn’t necessarily wrong. You’d wanted to settle things between you both once and for all for a while now. He just provided the opportunity. You both needed to know if you were just wasting time.

“Listen. If ya wanna talk about it outside of the song let’s go for a drive then.”

“First you steal my beat to get me to come over, now you wanna trap me in a car with you?” Atsumu only looks at you unbothered before you sigh. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”

“If it’s that bad, you know how to tuck and roll. I might slow down enough.” —-

“Atsumu what are we doing,”

He doesn’t even spare you a glance before responding. “Driving.” When you don’t reply he lets out a sigh before giving a real answer. “Do you still love me?”

“Yes,” it’s like you answer before your brain even ponders the question. “Do you still love me?”

“Wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t.” His words are just as confident. He shoots you a quick glance before continuing. “I wanna get back together. For good this time. Heard about yer date with that Semi guy.”

Your breath hitches for a moment. While you’re not surprised that he knew about the date last month, you didn’t think he’d mention it. You’d woken up the morning after notifications crazy. Pictures of the two of you filled them and many of the tweets had actually tagged Atsumu as well.

“We weren’t together so ya don’t have to go explaining anything,” he stops you from your attempt at an apology. “Of course i'm not sure what ya saw in that guy. But it made me realize that yer the one I want. Always been the one.” He shrugs before the hand closest to you comes to rest on your thigh. “And I’ve always been the one for you too right?”

“Are you serious about wanting to make us work this time?” His hand leaves your leg for the wheel again and you watch in confusion as he makes a few sudden turns. He mutters something about giving him a few minutes before pulling into a random parking lot. He shuts the car off before unbuckling so he can turn his entire body to face you. “What are you doing Atsumu?”

“Move in with me.” You’re looking at him like he’s grown another head before he continues. “My lease with Samu is almost up and he’s been wanting to move closer to his shop and I wanna be closer to a studio. I’m serious about us and I just think-“

“Would you actually help with boxes or just sit on your ass and watch?”

The questions cause him to frown a bit in thought and you can’t help but laugh as he actually interprets the words and what they really mean. You could tell the exact moment he gets it and a lazy smirk settles on his face instead. “No promises babe. I kinda like watching ya walk away.”

The way his face eased closer to yours had you following his lead until your lips met. You can feel yourself smiling as one of his hands comes to cup your jaw. The kiss is sweet, lips moving slowly against yours in a reunion of sorts. “Stay over tonight we can work on the song again tomorrow.” He pulls away just enough to insist, resting his forehead against yours.

“Already told Samu so he’s bringing enough dinner home. And I got a new toothbrush in the bathroom.”You lean to peck his lips before sitting back in the seat. “You knew this would happen didn’t you.” Despite the accusation you find yourself agreeing with no hesitation.

“I hoped. It’s a difference babe. If not, more food for me” his hand quickly grabs yours to place a kiss on your own before settling back on the wheel. “Let’s get back I’m starvin”

—— “Are yer eyes closed? Are you sure? Don’t peek-“

“Hurry up Atsumu,” you groan as you allow him to lead you to god knows where. The song you’d guys finished a few weeks ago was set to release in a few hours and Atsumu refused to let you see the song cover. It was a surprise, or so he told you every time you tried to ask. Even in his new song tease on twitter he just posted blank images. New song with a surprise guest coming soon ;)

He’d had you meet him at his label and jumped on you the second you stepped into the building blindfold in hand and stupid grin on his face. “Don’t act like this is a new thing for ya,” he’d whisper in your ear as he tied the blindfold and laughed when you attempted to hit at him and miss.

“Stop complaining before I make you wait until the songs officially out. We’re almost there” you feel his hand leave yours before it’s placed on your back. You can hear a door open before he instructs you in. “Small step up.” With your restricted sight your hearing has seemed to increase tenfold. You can hear the sound of blinds opening and him moving around. “One second babe.”

After a few more moments and complaints for him to hurry up a pair of arms wrap around your waist. Leaning into the warmth you feel his lips kiss up your neck before stopping. “You can look now.”

It takes a moment for your eyes to spot it. First your eyes dart around the room to see nothing out of the ordinary save for a table with a champagne bottle. Then one of his arms points toward the window and you freeze in shock. “Atsumu is this?” You turn to look at him expectedly as he nods and pushes you near it. From the window of the building you see the cover art plastered on a billboard.

“Where did you find that?”

Atsumu’s voice grows closer as he stops next to you. “Our mom came down a while ago. Had some shit to deliver and brought some scrapbooks. It was in there.” You nod in understanding before he continues. “Ya like it?”

The picture was one from years ago. He’d just gotten signed and that weekend you and a few friends went on a road trip to celebrate. That particular picture had been taken on a Polaroid as you two were outside supposedly star gazing. On the mountain of blankets it was clear that his attention was more on you than the sky. It was one of your favorite pictures for a while then eventually you had broken up (for the first time) and it was long forgotten.

“Love it. Brings back memories you know?” You don’t even notice he’d gone to pour you a glass before he's dangling off in front of your face.

“Here’s to our first song together babe”

bonus things

yall actually filmed a music vid (this isnt included bc i am only now finding out theres a mv despite having this song in my music for a year)

he tweets the song link with “decided to stay”

atsumu ends up buying suna a ps5 game he wanted as a thank you (not w/o complaining though)

ppl on the internet arent even surprised that yall are back together (theyre tired too tf)

atsumu ends up putting that polaroid in his clear phone case <3

this is yall 6th time getting back together (yall keep trying HUH lmfao. but yall never actually ended on bad terms and always stayed friend)

you end tweeting a joke “ok last time yall i promise LMFAO”