#this is the most beautiful fucking art i’ve ever seen in my life
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SHE IS ART
PAIRING eddie munson x fem reader
SUMMARY eddie accidentally ruins your art and tries to make it up to you by sneaking into your room and drawing it again. all though he has no artistic skills, it’s an excuse to spend time with you and admire your beauty.
NOTE yall wtf why did my last post get so many likes i’m literally crying wtf thank u sm it means so much to me!2&:93737
WARNING cuss words!!
“ or a game where you toss balls into laundry baskets!” eddie yells walking on the table looking at the jocks, “ you want something freak?” jason says. you smile looking down at your drawing, you had your headphones on listening to the smiths. “ fuck i have to do it again.” you mumble under your breath reaching for your eraser, due to holding the pencil for so long your hands were sweaty. dropping the eraser, you bend down to grab the eraser.
you jump quickly taking off your headphones leaving them to rest on your neck and looking back up to see eddie walking on your table. “So as long as your not into parties!” he yells looking at the ‘cool kids’ table. he steps on your drawing, ruining it. with his dirty boots, permanently damaging the paper. “ no no!” you say putting your headphones down on the table. you look at the drawing and pout.
eddie looks down and quickly stumbles off the table earning a few laughs, “ loser!” someone yells. “ oh shit.” eddie says quickly getting up and looking at you. “ i didn’t mean to-” eddie says looking at the drawing he damaged. “ it’s fine.” you mumble biting your lower lip upset. eddie directs his attention to you, “ i swear i didn’t see you- no i mean i did- i just didn’t think- i’m so sorry.” he says quickly sitting down in-front of you. “ it’s fine don’t worry.” you look up at him.
holy
crap
jesus
christ
eddie’s eyes widen, you were the most beautiful girl ever. like literally ever. he’s never seen someone so beautiful in his life, as stupid as it sounds you were the most perfect girl he’d ever seen. he thought it was crazy, how he doesn’t even know your name yet his heart is pounding. your eyes, fuck they were so pretty to him. your lips, your lips, your lips, your lips, your beautiful lips that were in a pout that he thought was the cutest thing ever. he doesn’t even know who you are yet he’s so inlove with you.
“ no its not fine! i mean look at yo- this look this!” he stutters almost blowing his cover. “ this is amazing art and i ruined it.” he says again grabbing the paper he ruined. you cover your face with the sleeves of your jacket, your face heating up. no one had ever complimented your art. eddie smiles, he can’t take this anymore your so adorable oh my god oh my god.
“ it’s not.” you whisper still hiding your face, eddie gasps dramatically. “ what?! this is the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen.” lie, you were the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
you put your hands down smiling, “ thanks.” you mumble, your face red. “ d-do you seriously like it?” you ask biting your nail nervously. eddie grins, he looks down at the drawing. “ yeah of course. i mean look at it.” eddie says admiring the piece of art, trying to actually focus on the ‘art’ and not your face. because you honestly are a work of art. “ i dont i guess people think drawing is for children and it’s a waste of time.” you say biting your lower lip. “ yeah well i’m eddie the ‘freak’ munson so i don’t have the right to judge people, and honestly if i were to judge-”
he suddenly flew back off the table, he puts his hand on his heart dramatically. he then suddenly points at your art, “ that has got to be the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen!” he exclaims out loud. you look around the cafeteria and everybody was staring at you, you cover your face giggling. you grab your eraser and throw it at him, “ get back here!” you whisper yell your face bright red. eddie grabs the eraser and chuckles, “ sorry sorry. couldn’t control myself.” he sits back down infront of your. “ let me fix it.” he says. you tilt your head to the side confused, “ what do you mean fix it? you can draw?” you ask quickly sitting up. eddie starts laughing, “ no no i’m more of the guitar guy. but i mean i can try to fix it.” eddie says covering his face with his hair shyly. you smile, “ yeah! yeah of course? just uh how.”
“ easy i can just sneak into your room.” he says letting go of his hair, “ w-what? my parents are home!” you whisper yell crossing your hands. “ i can be a quiet.” he says covering his mouth with his finger. “ yeah but i’ve never snuck anyone in my room before.” you say nervously looking down at your jeans. “ hey hey it’s okay i don’t have to-” you look up. “ no no i want you too!” you blurt out, “ no i mean yeah of course just be really really quiet. like extremely extremely quiet.” you say grabbing your sketchbook and pencil case, eddie breaks down laughing at your nervousness. “ oh so you do want me there?” he says standing up crossing his hands. “ shut it.” you start running to the cafeteria door, “ i live in 2536 maple street! the house with the swings out front!” you yell waving at eddie smiling.
eddie nods waving back. he looks back down at the table and sees the ruined drawing, he smiles grabbing it and gently folding it putting it in his pocket. he ran back to his table and quickly sat down, everybody was staring at him. “ what was that?” dustin says. “ what was what?” eddie says looking at dustin. “ you talking to y/n?” dustin says raising an eyebrow. “ what about it?” he asks. “ nothing nothing.” dustin throws his hands up in defeat. he couldn’t bring up the fact that, that little interaction was the happiest he’d seen eddie.
at home
you were laying in bed reading a book and listening to the smiths. you quickly close your book and turn around to see eddie banging on your window. you stand up and run to the window opening it. “ h-help me out.” he groans, you grab his hand pulling him in. he falls. you laugh covering your mouth. he stands up and takes a deep breath in, “ see told you very quiet.” he says looking back at you. “ yeah very quiet it’s very fascinating.” you giggle. “ soo this is your room..the smiths? really?” he says crossing his hands walking around your room.
“ yes the smiths! i don’t listen to matellica and the black sabbaths eddie.” you say sitting on your bed, “ yeah i mean clearly.” he whispers. you throw a pillow at him, “ what do you mean ‘clearly’?” you say using air quotations. eddie smiles, “ i mean look at you, your like the most gentle person i’ve ever seen. you have this soft aura and energy you know.” he says sitting down on your bed, on the edge. “ what about me? is it obvious that i listen to heavy metal?” he says looking at you raising an eyebrow. you laugh again. god your laugh is so angelic
“ are you seriously asking me that? i mean look at you! you have like the coolest hair in the world, and like you have those really pretty tattoos.” you say pointing at his tattoos. pretty? pretty? you think his tattoos are pretty? his heart just exploded.
he turns around feeling his face heat up, he coughs. “ so uhm the art thing!” he says trying to change the subject. “ oh yeah hold on.” you say standing up walking to your desk grabbing a sketch pad and your pencil case. “ here.” you hand him a pencil. he grabs the pencil and smiles, you open your sketch pad. you lay down flat on your stomach with your sketch pad infront of you. eddie repositions himself so he’s fully on the bed sitting infront of the sketch pad. you two begin to draw.
you cover your face trying to hide your giggles, eddie looks at you then back at the drawing and starts laughing. “ d-do you want me to help you?” you ask through giggles. “ first of all i’m offended and yes i actually do need help i don’t know how to do this.” he says laughing. you sit up and scoot next to him. “ okay so uh, here hold onto my hand.” you say.
you gave him butterflies, so so so so many butterflies it’s crazy.
eddie wraps his hand on yours gripping the pencil, “ okay now we are gonna draw gently.” you say dragging the pencil across the paper. his hands were sweaty and shaky but you didn’t care. you liked having his hand on you. it made you feel…safe and warm? oh god..
“ perfect!” you say looking at the drawing before laughing, eddie shook his head looking down at the paper. he wasn’t paying attention to the drawing, he was looking at you the entire time. admiring your wide profile, how pretty you were. he was mad himself for noticing you. you were so so dang beautiful.
“ that looks horrible.” he says. “ it’s not horrible it’s definitely something though!” you say trying to catch your breath. you let go of the pencil and eddie quickly wipes his hand on his pants trying to get rid of the sweat. you rip the drawing from the sketch pad and grab tape, you rip a piece of tape and tape the drawing on your wall. “ perfect!” you exclaim clapping gently. eddie smiles, you jump on the bed and sit down. you grab your markers and grab eddie’s hand. “ can i color in your tattoos?” you ask shyly.
“ yes yes yes of course!” he blurts. you smile grabbing his hand placing it on your lap. you roll up his sleeve and start colouring in his tattoos, eddie was going crazy. in the inside of course. he hoped you couldn’t be able to hear his heart beating, cuz it was literally going crazy. like batshit crazy. he bites his lower lip unable to contain his smile. “ look this is bob.” you say pointing at the dog you drew. “ oh no way that’s sick!” he exclaims out loud. you immediately put your finger on his lips, “ shh quietly.” you whisper. eddie looks down at your finger and nods gently, “ bob looks really cool.” he whispers, he grabs your finger. you two stare at each other
he slowly places your hand on his chest. “ this-this isn’t normal..” he whispers still staring at you. you drop the marker still looking at him. “ why does my heart keep pounding y/n..” he whispers gently tightening the grip on your hand. “ i-i don’t know eddie..” you whisper. “ i don’t know what’s happening to me. i don’t know what you keep doing to me y/n but it’s driving my crazy.” he whispers letting go of your hand.
“ go!” you say. “ w-what?” eddie says confused. “ go go go eddie go!” you say grabbing his hand rushing him to the window. “ i don’t understand what’s happening?” he says tilting his head to the side. “ my dad is coming i can hear his footsteps!” you quickly open the window. “ go go go eddie he’ll kill me!” you say again. “ fuck fuck okay!” he says going through the window. “ hold on!” you grab onto his hand. you look back at the door then back at eddie. you lower yourself and kiss his cheek. “ okay go go go!” you giggle. eddie stares at you dumbfounded. “ eddie!” you yell as you hear the door opening. “ fuck sorry! love you- i mean no i don’t no i do okay bye!” he yells jumping. he falls on his ass making you laugh, “ i’m good i’m good!” he throws his thumbs up before quickly standing up dusting his ass off. he quickly runs off.
you laugh watching him run, “ bye l/n! see you tomorrow!” he yells from across the street. you wave back smiling. your door opens and you immediately turn around, it’s your dad. “ sweetie lower the music please.” he says. you quickly shut the window close. “ yeah yeah of course dad love you.” you say covering the window. “ alright.” he closes the door.
you jump on your bed grabbing a pillow screaming into it, your legs kicking the air.
#stranger things 1#stranger things 3#stranger things 4#stranger things season 4#eddie munson#eddie munson imagines#eddie munson smut#eddie munson fluff#eddie munson x you#imagines#fanfiction#xreader#steve harrington#mike wheeler#billy hargrove imagine#billy hargrove#one shot#netflix#steve harrington one shot#steve harrington x reader
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Namjoon fic recs 2023
Happy Joonie day! 💜🥳
In honor of Namjoon’s birthday, I want to share my ultimate favorite Namjoon fanfictions, that I’ve read this year 💜I haven’t read that much of Namjoon, just recently gotten into it, so the list might be small, but it contains some of the best stuff out there 💎 I want to thank each and every writer on this list for creating such wonderful stories and art - you are truly amazing ✨ All the fics on this list hold a dear place in my heart 🥹
❗Most of these fics are smutty as hell, so minors dni.❗
If you read anything on this list and you like it, please leave a comment to the writer or reblog the original fic’s post 💜And if you want more fic recs you can follow me to stay updated 🙂 A reblog on this post also helps, as it gets more exposure and seen by others, which in the end gives more love and exposure to the amazing writers on this list 🥰
BTS fic rec index → May | Jun | Jul | Aug | Sep (jjk)(💜) | Oct (pjm) | Nov (*) | Dec (ksj)(kth) |
Emoji meaning → angst = 🌩️, smut = 🥵, fluff = 🥰, comedy = 😂.
⭐The Interpretation of Dreams by @ppersonna
// knj x f.reader // phd mentor!namjoon, university!au // 🥵🥰
📝 He’s the man of your dreams, the an you’ve spent over 6 years pining over. and he’s also your Ph.D. mentor and in charge of your very future.
🗨️ Looking for a smutty, slutty, funny and comforting fic? Well, look no further! 🌟 This really delivered 👏🏾 really, really good. The sexual tension between reader and Namjoon 💯 and then best friend Jimin, being the best chaotic slutty wingman EVER 🥵
⭐Deep End by @here2bbtstrash
// knj x f.reader // established relationship, period!smut // 🥵🥰
📝 Your boyfriend suggests a new way to relieve your period cramps.
🗨️ Awww, this was so cute and sweet 🥺💖💯
⭐Baby Fever by @95rkives
// knj x f.reader // established relationship // 🥰🥰🥰
📝 What was supposedly a peaceful morning stroll in the park, an unexpected encounter triggers namjoon’s intense desire for a baby, turning him into an adorable, baby fever-filled mess.
🗨️ Gosh this was cute - and wonderfully fluffy 😍
⭐All Night by @luaspersona
// knj x f.reader // college!au, brother’s best friend!au, s2l // 🥵
📝 When your brother bails on you, you have to find another way to entertain yourself for the night and Kim Namjoon just so happens to be a great company.
🗨️ This was the most perfect, pure masterpiece of fucking gold writing 🤌🏾🥵 it is insanely filthy, so deliciously smutty!! Like I think my soul has left my body 🥵 the writing, story and the characters were brilliant ✨ this is hands down one of my new favorites and I WILL read this again soon, I promise you! Don’t sleep on this sweet bad boy Namjoon, okay 🥵 such an easy recommendation for me to make - do yourself a favor and read it if you haven’t (and if you have, then read it again!) ♥️💯
⭐Love Language by @rmnamjoons
// knj x f.reader // soulmate!au // 🥵🥰
📝 Exactly one year before one meets their soulmate, their love’s first words spoken to them appear as a tattoo on their wrist. When Namjoon’s tattoo appears, however, it’s not of words, but of the most beautiful set of eyes he’s ever seen.
🗨️ I know that most of this was just pure smut, but damn it was cute 😭🥺💖
⭐Stretch You Out by @chateautae
// knj x jjk x f.reader // college!au, s2f2l, gym employee!namjoon, gym employee!jungkook // 🥵🥰
📝 You have a plan for your crappy, diabolical ex who’s set on ruining your life; making him jealous by snagging a raunchy photo with two hot employees at the gym. what you didn’t have a plan for? befriending the mischievous pair to aid in your revenge and ending up underneath not just one, but both of them.
🗨️ Holy fucking shit 🥵 🫣 this was so exceptionally good! So deliciously filthy, it really delivered on every freaking aspect 💯 incredible 👏🏾 perfection 👏🏾 💎
⭐The Making of: Love by @inkjam-moon
// kmj x f.reader // actor!au, s2l (not really strangers, ‘cuz they know of each other) // 🥰🥵😂
📝 When the movie you’re in requires to to film a risque scene with a world renowned sex symbol, your virginity is suddenly all you can focus on.
🗨️ I think this is funny, so I’ll tag it with comedy! Jimin is in it (he is readers manager) and he is just doing his best job of being a supporting character 👏 It’s good!
⭐All Aboard! (the passion express) by @ve1vetyoongi
// knj x f.reader // office worker!namjoon // 🥵
📝 There were not many things that got your blood boiling in the same way that two simple words could. Kim Namjoon. The name of your irritating and (unfortunately enough, as the universe would have it) incredibly handsome co-worker. Which is exactly why you never expected to find your self on your knees for him on the train home.
🗨️ Holy fuck, fuck, fuck this was so incredibly filthy (in the best way possible) 🥵 the tension between reader and Namjoon was perfect, the build up was so satisfying 🌟 what’s not to like ✨😍
⭐The Wedding Arrangement by @sugaurora
// knj x f.reader // ‘enemies’ to friends to lovers, wedding!au // 🥵🥰🌩️
📝 Unfortunately, he’s just gotten engaged to someone who isn’t you. Even more unfortunately, he expects you to help plan the wedding alongside Kim Namjoon, his other best friend and, based on your first meeting, just another judgmental jerk. Putting aside your distaste for the sake of your friend’s happiness, you both set about giving Seokjin the wedding of his dreams. Following a rough and satisfying affair at the caterer’s, you strike an unusual deal: you and Namjoon will be enemies with benefits until the wedding is over. And after six months of wedding planning, you both just might learn that weddings aren’t usually the end, but a brand new beginning.
🗨️ This was so amazing 🥹 the characters had so much depth and ugh! It was just so, so good. It was a pleasure reading their love unfolding 🥰 Aish, I’m soft! It’s filled with plenty of soft, slight heartbreaking angst at times, but oh so fluffy and smutty too! It was perfect 👌🏾 💯 please don’t sleep on this one, okay? 🥹
⭐Inside my Mind by @jimlingss
// knj x f.reader // high school!au // 🥰🥵😂
📝 You’re safe in the confines of your mind. Free to think whatever, free to fantasize to your heart’s content. And your imagination tends to quite a wild turn when you’re dying from sheer boredom. But when some GUY IN YOUR CLASS CAN FUCKING READ MINDS - YOU’RE NOT SAFE ANYMORE! WHAT THE FUCKSKDKASDFGHJKL—
Borahae and happy birthday Joonie 💜 🥳 🎂
#bts fic recs#bts fic#bts fics#bts imagine#bts imagines#bts scenarios#bts smut#namjoon x reader#bts x reader#bts x you#bts x reader smut#bts x y/n#happy birthday namjoon#happy RM day#namjoon scenario#namjoon scenarios#namjoon smut#kim namjoon#namjoon#namjoon x y/n#namjoon x oc#namjoon x you#kim namjoon x reader#kim namjoon fic#kim namjoon smut#namjoon fic recs#knj x reader#knj smut
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Sorry if this seems repetitive but I haven't been active on social media in yearsss
Is it true that there's a lot of lawlu hate on tiktok and Twitter? I'm so confused because there used to be so much love for the ship back in 2017/2018 from my perspective (Amino era).
The short answer: yes and no. Let me start by saying I'm not the best person to answer this since I purely consume on twitter. I made my personal twitter in 2007 like it's everyone I've ever known irl and has nothing to do with shipping or hobbies and I follow approx 0 accounts related to anime, manga, or lawlu. I just looked up lawlu a few times and browsed and suddenly it's my whole fucking timeline and there’s no going back and now I have a lawlu twitter (This makes me very happy).
So if anyone else has an opinion on this that is more in the community, please feel free to comment away. Otherwise, below are my observations.
First off, there IS a ton of love for the ship. Most of what I see is beautiful art (they got the nsfw ayo), memes, fanfics, and headcanons just like tumblr. There are tons of comments of people swooning over these posts, Lawlu IS one of the most popular OP ships after all.
There's just a vocal minority that are very against the concept of shipping and in that subset there are those who are very against Lawlu. There people out there that will literally list accounts to block that ship lawlu or write lawlu DNI in their bios. The same can be said for other ships, it's not just this one it’s any they deem a ‘pro ship’ (problematic ship) and Lawlu is generally considered one of these. Below as is an example:
The biggest issues I’ve seen with Lawlu are the following 1. luffy is aroace and cant be shipped period 2. law groomed luffy and the age gap is gross. IMO I think most of these people are just infantilizing Luffy as some goofy autistic kid that doesn't know what love and sex are when in reality he's very self-aware and happy does not equal stupid. Also he's 19 he’s not underage. He met Law twice when he was 17, one of which was saving his life as a doctor and Luffy was unconscious most of this time. Let's not forget Luffy's a war criminal kicking the asses of people 4x his age in a pirate world, age doesn't really work the same as irl.
BUTTT Not that any of this matters because you can ship whoever the fuck you what because guess what? It's ~fiction~. I could rant about how people can ship whatever the hell they want all day but I'll save my breath for now. (my opinion of course)
Also there are just mentally ill people who enjoy telling others to kys if you like something they like do. Lawlu shippers are just their chosen target demographic. Creators get foul messages in their inboxes, rude comments, just general hater behavior. Twitter is just a firey cesspool and all fandoms have 'fans' who do nothing but hate. We live in an age of negativity where being a hater is the cool thing to do.
HOWEVER, I see more people posting about why those people are wrong and stupid than the actual negative tweets but maybe that's because I actually support the ship and the algorithm sees that. Not sure how twitter works, nor do I want to know about that dumpster fire there's a reason I came over to tumblr.
As for tiktok, I don't really consume a lot of tiktok so I can't speak on it besides seeing cosplayers and cute animations/art. I'll leave that to the tiktok people to look into.
For argument's sake, I went through the lawlu tag and picked some lovely tweets to share with you so you can see the toxicity for yourself. Sadly only 10 images per post but I think you get the point. Thanks for the ask hope this was informative. :)
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I’ve watched the most life-changing anime ever. Trigun Stampede the fucking amazing show you are. It took me forever to finally actually sit down and watch it. I’d seen enough edits during the time it was being r released and whilst it looked hella interesting I just never got around to it. And placed it on the back burner. But last night decided to get that free trial on Crunchyroll and watch that shit.
Best fucking hours of my entire life. I genuinely cannot fathom nor put into words how this show made me feel. Like it was just absolutely amazing in every way and form. The music? The soundtrack had me like salivating at the mouth. I’m not even lying when I say that soundtracks are probably the second most important thing to me in films and shows. The composer did absolutely fucking top tier shit my dude.
But like all honesty, not a lot of anime’s impact me. Like they definitely leave lasting impressions. Especially if I really, really love it. But this show just sunk its claws into me and brought me in with them. Everything about it was like an art. So beautiful. And the relationship ship Vash has with humans, how he treats them. The good and bad. How willing he is to protect them even when they’ve shown nothing but contempt towards him. Or tired to kill him even after he’s saved them.
AND GOD THE COMPLEX REALTIONSHIP BETWEEN VASH AND NAI 😭 so badly i can understand where Nai is coming from. I really do, I can understand why’d he want to save the plants and say fuck you to the humans. Because i get it. But I also understand Vash, and I can understand the morality he has. Between the love for humans and the love for his own brother. God the last episode was just really the peak of it all.
I’m so mad it took me this long to watch the show. But now i have, i can’t think of anything else. It’s so good I want to watch it all over again. Which I probably will because fucking beautiful shit. And i know theirs an original trigun, which im sure I’ll get to watching. But Trigun Stampede the fucking art you are.
EVERYTHING ABOUT IT WAS FUCKING TOP-TEIR. So bye whilst i hyperfixate on this show for the rest of my life <3
#trigun stampede#trigun#vash the stampede#vash saverem#vash the humanoid typhoon#millions knives#nai tristamp#nicholas d. wolfwood#meryl stryfe#roberto de niro#vashwood#bc theyre so cute omfg
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I appreciate your blog so much because it is a combination of the most life-changing, bone-shakingly beautiful art I’ve ever seen, niche and borderline-incomprehensible conversations about shipping and lore in several games I’ve never played, and a consistent low-line thrum of horniness instigated by the internet’s most hyper focused rats that you seem to revel in like some kind of curmudgeonly but benevolent regent.
Also it’s pretty gay in here.
This has got to be one of the funniest messages I’ve gotten in a long ass while. Fucking had me wheezing at work and made my evening o7 if I had a tiny gilded frame I’d put this message in it
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Thank you DRDT crew!
Even though I’ve only been a fan for a short time compared to others, the amount of love I have for this series is hard to put into words. It has slowly grown to be my favorite DR-related media of all time, for a multitude of reasons. Everything about it is remarkably impressive, and I just wanted to say thank you for bringing us such an amazing experience.
I got into DRDT through Weeby Newz’ streams. I had just finished binge watching her SDRA2 streams, but this “Danganronpa Despair Time” one looked interesting. Especially because I kept seeing a video by Ocean Unknown popping up in my recommended, which said something about “David’s reveal”. So I decided to watch those vods too.
Fast-forward a binge watch, and… I was in love. It didn’t even register how attached I’d gotten to every single character, and how intrigued I was to see how everything would play out.
I absolutely wouldn’t have started a Tumblr blog without DRDT. But now I have, and it’s been one of the most fun experiences I’ve had in fandom. So, from the bottom of my heart:
Thank You!
Thank you for the dedication to do such a long and arduous project!
Thank you for the beautiful art! I’ve always been a fan of DRDT’s unique style, and those animations always take my breath away, no matter how many times I see them.
Thank you for all the amazing characters you’ve brought to life! I love them all so much, I could thank you for each one individually.
… So I will.
•Thank you for Teruko! Because she’s one of my favorite protagonists from anything ever, as her intriguing and complex personality is always a joy to analyze.
Also, uh, thank you for the prosopagnosia rep. I probably have that too, but I would have never found out without DRDT. It really explained a lot about my life, so it can be said this series has changed me forever :D
•Thank you for Xander! It’s refreshing to see a character like him being so important to the story, with so many mysteries still surrounding him!
•Thank you for Charles! Because this nerd is one of the most likable and enjoyable characters I’ve seen in any fangan.
•Thank you for Ace! Because he manages to be both very funny and very interesting and complex whenever needed.
•Thank you for Arei! It’s always nice to see a ‘mean’ character with such well thought out motivations and such drive to change.
•Thank you for Rose! Her attitude always makes me feel calm when I think about her, and I’m really interested in seeing where her character and themes are going to go.
•Thank you for Hu! Another one I’m really intrigued by, I can’t wait to know more about her!
•Thank you for Eden! For showing that even “the nice one” characters can have depth and complexity. Also representation win, the nicest girl ever is a lesbian!
•Thank you for Nico! They are so, so interesting. I feel like I’m overusing the word “intriguing”, but they really are so fun to think about. Also representation win for the enbies! Love to see it.
•Thank you for Whit! Because he’s funny, and interesting, and there’s definitely something wrong with him it’s nice to have a character that doesn’t have any big issues :D
Just kidding! The reason I love DRDT so much is that everyone gets to be a little fucked up, as a treat!
And representation win! The coolest guy ever is bisexual!
•Thank you for J! She’s funny and cool and- you guessed it, intriguing. I am running that word to the ground, but it’s true for everyone!
•Thank you thank you thank you for Veronika!!! She’s so great. She’s fantastic. She always brings a smile to my face, she’s so perfect in every way shape and form. God I love her so much, I want her to go as insane as her crazy little heart desires. And more representation! Sorta jealous of the pansexuals who got this freak (affectionate).
•Thank you for David! How can a character be so complex, that you look at Literature Girl Insane and decide it needs more literary references to properly convey them? Well, David’s the answer, and geez. He’s just so fantastically written, it’s incredible. Another big win for the bisexual community imo.
•Thank you for Levi! He’s really cool, and everything about him is interesting.
•Thank you for Arturo! Because as much of a weirdo as he can be, his entire character is just really, really interesting.
•Thank you for MonoTV! Because it’s funny and its personality has to be one of the most unique I’ve ever seen for mascot characters.
•Thank you for Mai! I mean, who?
•Thank you for Unnamed Classmate! Because they’re really nice and I can’t wait to see where they go.
And of course…
•Thank you, so much, for Min! She may very well be my favorite character from anything ever. Everything about how she’s written is phenomenal, her personality and struggles are so well developed, I could gush about her for hours! She means so much to me, I can’t properly describe how in love I am with her.
Thank you for the laughs! From the arm wrestling scene, Charles getting obliterated by MonoCredits, “milk tastes good”, Teruko tripping over Nico… Not to mention the greatest joke ever conceived: the bathroom investigation. I laughed for a solid minute or two when I first watched it, just replaying the funniest thing ever on loop.
The Q&As were also really funny, and I never really had an issue with the way the were written. I fully understand and support if you decide not to do them ever again, but they were fun while they lasted. From Nico’s favorite ice cream flavor being “the flavor”, to us forgetting people can have friends aside from Mai I mean who, all the way to that time you directed us to inform ourselves on what a pant pocket is.
Thank you for the tears! Because I still can’t watch Min’s final hug without my chest hurting, a lot. Even some of the frames from the Sleepy MV, that beautiful piece of art, get me to tear up just looking at them.
Thank you for the mysteries! From the murders which are really fun to theorize about, to everything related to Mai Akasaki and the multiple source code secrets. And don’t even get me started on the LGI MV, that insanity (affectionate) has been eating at my brain ever since it released. Everything about it is fantastic, even the things we still haven’t solved.
Where’s footnote 8, dev?! Did you put it in your pant pockets?! (/j)
Also, tangentially, thanks for introducing me to the LGI album. It’s a really good album ^^
Thank you for the research you’ve put into everything! Things like Ace’s talent causing his eating disorder are really appreciated, they show a genuine care and love for the project.
Thank you for all the little details you might think no one notices, but that we love to see! Things like the first Nonstop Debate ending in perjury, Teruko listing Xander as one of the people whose secret was unrevealed, David’s eyes being different in his genuine breakdowns to his little thing in Ep 11, strychnine not being listed with the other custom weapons because Charles made the list, the note Xander received having a proper full message which has been obscured (I can only make out “it is” at the bottom, but it’s clear the message is there), the charm on Teruko’s thing-that’s-probably-a-MonoPad-but-may-be-something-else being the same as Unnamed Classmate’s phone charm, all the interesting details in the character profiles, among so many other things.
This also includes details revealed on Q&As. Arei being ambidextrous, Teruko liking “girly” clothing, Xander having a weak sense of taste, Ace having 9 siblings, Veronika’s earring being related to a friend, all the favorite and least favorite colors and ice cream flavors. As well as the few things we know about people like Felicity and Elliot that made the community fall in love with them for no apparent reason. It just makes them all seem so human!
Thank you to the voice actors, as well! They’ve all done such an amazing job, no exceptions! In particular, Veronika’s unhinged laughter, the dialogue after Ace’s almost murder, Min’s last words, David’s speech post the “guilty as charged” incident… but it’s all fantastic, all the characters are voiced really well.
And thank you for so much more! If I kept going, this post would never end. DRDT just means more to me than any finite number of words could ever convey. Without your work, the days pass by tastelessly /ref. So, one last time for the road:
Thank you for everything!
(God I love the Sleepy MV so much. It’s so pretty!!!)
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Your Depiction of Ulfric is literal perfection. I’ve never seen anyone who sees him in a similar way to me, until I found your account last year. I fucking love miserable old man Ulfric who could never catch a break since the day he was born. Every major event in his life (he can’t even decide which one’s the worst) shaped him in the worst yet most interesting way possible. I can’t speak enough about him, his messed up self esteem clashing with his ego, his repressed emotions and sexuality, his shattered image of his own body and mind, the constant loud arguments between the voices in his head (mostly just him arguing with hallucinations) *I’m definitely not projecting here* his unstable mood, his flashbacks and his odd obsessions with random harmful patterns he associates with familiarity. Because to him familiar=safe even if he’s basically only familiar to a constant state of worry and feeling like he’s being targeted or hunted down.
None of this seems to be getting better, at least not in a notable speed. Yet they’re all existing within a strong and powerful man. It’s quite the combination, he’s being weighted down by all of that baggage but his back is too strong to bend. He appears as if he has nerves of steel from the outside, but really if anything is made of steel in his mind, it’s the vessel that he uses to bottle all of that trauma up.
I already had a vague idea of his complicated relationship (obviously) with Elenwen but your version literally felt like it opened my third eye. It is scrumptious and your art is so beautiful it depicts every essence of it all perfectly without even needing to include words. I fell in love with it at first sight.
dis answer is kinda long so i'm (crumpling it up and tossing it under the cut)
Omg wtf Thank you's 🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕💕 this is so well put together into words; i will do 9543 backflips for demented ulfric always. i've grown to like him in canon too cause he really has that, wouldn't even call it deceitful, weirdly-content personality.. but i don't think anyone in the writing room in sk*rim HQ knows how to write a character that has been through Anything, event of any kind, so he seems too 'perfect' for a person that has been through literal physical torture, to me, and his reactions to things that should be greatly upsetting are too mild. even though him being elenwen's victim is a piece of information that's easy to miss it seems like it also completely slipped out of the writing IOFDHDJFUIO LOL.. it all obviously adds up to him seeming more appealing as a fashie character to the audience, cus a visibly mentally unwell man wouldn't do it for most people, especially when you want to sway someone to be on his side of things.
i think it's quite smart for the st*rmcloaks to be presented as the more warm and welcoming types of people but ulfric should be the coldest of them all. Bro shouldn't even have the mental and physical capacity to seem Content with his life especially in that moment. he should be the type to use his civil war motivations as an excuse to stay alive if that makes sense, cause i don't think he really wants to live, but he has things to do to keep his mind and hands busy xchkvcjcvkl//
i also really love how ulfric only has galmar as someone he's really close to, it always seemed beyond genius to me, to write them like that, it's cute... he rly is the only person to suffer thru 4 hours of ulfric Peak psychosis monologue followed by 2 hours of trying to prove to him that th*lmor and imperial soldiers aren't hiding in the chests and under the beds of the palace LMFAOO galmar is the one guy who he can sob in front of and act like a little baby fishing for compliments and reassurance, and, not all that related to ulfric as a whole, but i strongly believe that having him be so vulnerable with galmar would make galmar really excited, it would make him feel good, like no other damsel in distress could deliver that feeling EVER. having such a seemingly-strong political figure rely on you Badly and madly would feel like something else entirely 💗 it's very off-putting and perhaps inappropriate of him to feel that way when ulfric is just searching for stability, but i think that even if ulfric knew galmar felt that way he wouldn't really gaf LOL. he'd turn to elenwen if there was no one else to go to cause he 'knows' her, and he'd torment elisif cause he 'knows' her as well.. but he would be completely closed off from making connections with other people 🏆
+ bonus; elenwen's feelings for him would border on everything at once, like, every type of relationship and connection that ever exists.. she really views him as the food she left over in the fridge and will get to eat when she's back from work as a reward
tl;dr him being scarier and more .. unkempt? from the outside would make him even cooler tbhs. he should become christian and develop religious OCD
#ask#i love herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (him)#him just lashing out at everyone would just be cute *audience Aww sfx*
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I remember you (Elliot x OC)
Elliot Alderson x Original Character
Synopsis: The reader was dating Elliot before he forgot who he was, she never left his side. and months later he remembers.
He clutches his head as memories flash through his eyes.
There she was, standing in a dress, her hair was curled and she had a smile on her face as she opened the door to see who’d knocked. This woman, the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen in his life. All of the air is stolen from his lungs as he meets her eyes. Her aqua-colored eyes. After seeing the note she posted in the mail room about needing help with her computer, Elliot was curious. He surprised himself by responding to the ad and emailing her. Two days later he stood in front of her door, his heart beating out of his chest. His palms sweating. He’d never felt this way before.
“Hi, Elliot I assume?” she asks
“Uh yeah” he responds awkwardly
“I’m Willow, and I cannot thank you enough for answering! I tried taking it to a shop but they wanted to charge me $200, this was kinda my last resort” she explains
“I’m happy to help”
“I hope you’re good, because I don’t know the first thing about computers” she says “come on in”
Elliot follows her into her apartment, the layout the exact same as his. She’d decorated the place well, it looked like a home. She had tons of plants brightening up the space, as well as wall art covering every inch of space. A lot of color. He noticed her large bookshelf, a gorgeous color-coded collection. Her windows had sheer multicolored curtains which kept her entire apartment incredibly visible from onlookers. She had no tv and a large cat lying in the center of her bed. Her desk sat in front of the window just like his own, giving her a view of the apartments across the street. He wondered if they could see into her space just as well. The thought made him sick to his stomach.
“Here it is” she says leading him over to the desk, her MacBook sits in the middle of the desk, perfectly aligned with the planner next to it. As soon as he laid eyes on it, he could tell that it was a simple fix. Five minutes max. A part of him felt disappointed that it wasn’t a large project to keep him in her apartment for hours.
“I see what’s going on, its no problem” he says as he begins typing in a code
“Oh my gosh you are literally a lifesaver, I need this for work like seriously my entire life is on this dumb computer”
“Fuck me” he curses
“Elliot what’s wrong?” she asks
“No I told you, dinner is on me as a thank you” she smiles as she sits across from him in the diner. “What sounds good?” she asks
“I’m not sure”
“Well I can recommend their garden burger, it’s one of the best I’ve ever had”
“Garden burger?” he asks
“Oh I’m a vegetarian by choice. I watched an animal cruelty doc in high school and now I’m scared for life”
“Okay, I’ll try it” he nods
“Really? Nobody has ever actually listened to my recommendations before” she laughs
“If I hate it then that means you’ll just have to take me out again” he says, smiling at her
“Deal” she smirks
“you’re scaring me”
“How did you get into coding? It seems like such a niche skill” she asks as they walk down the street side by side. His jacket slid over her shoulders.
“My dad taught me my first code, I taught myself the rest” he shrugs
“Why?”
“I always found it to be interesting, the power of hacking into something and being able to see all of the secrets someone’s hiding. You can see exactly who someone is, no sugar coating no lies. You can always trust a code” he admits, shocked that he felt comfortable enough to actually say any of this out loud.
“Have you ever hacked me?” she asks quietly
“No”
“Why not?”
“You’re different, not like the rest. You don’t rely on technology to survive. I wanted to know you” he says
“I’m glad you responded to my ad Elliot” she smiles
“Me too”
“Do you want me to call Darlene?” she asks
Elliot stands to his feet and scrambles to his door to see who would be knocking at 9 pm. He looks through the peephole and there she was. He rips the door open and stares at her in concern. Before he could say a word she drops her head as her lips tremble. Tears fall down her cheeks and Elliot panics.
“What’s wrong?” he asks
“My boss, he asked me to dinner tonight to discuss our big meeting on Friday. But he never even brought it up, he told me that If I didn’t sleep with him then I would lose my job. I can’t afford to lose my job, Elliot! I love what I do, fuck I don’t know what I’m gonna do” she responds. His body is filled with rage as he takes in her words.
“What did you say?” he asks
“I told him I had to go and I ran straight here” she sniffles
Elliot pulls her into his arms, holding her body close to his as he lets her cry. He clutches onto her hair, smoothing it gently. He’d never been comfortable with touch before, yet at the moment he’d met this girl he wanted to touch her skin, feel how soft it would be. He craved her like nothing before.
“I’m gonna fix this, don’t worry” he promises as he places a kiss on her head.
“Please say something!” she pleads
Elliot had just gotten off of work. He hated his new job. A simple programmer, protecting Allsafe from any potential hacks. The simplicity of it was nice, yet he craved more. He was capable of so much more. He sets his bag down and sits on his couch. He was tired, after he’d spent the night talking to Willow’s boss, he hacked him and exposed him to the police for money laundering. He’d stolen millions. He closes his eyes to attempt to get some rest when a hand slams on the door, pounding angrily. He gets up and opens it to see WIllow.
She pushes past him and walks into the center of his apartment and crosses her arms. “Did you hack my boss?”
“Yes” he shrugs
“He got arrested at work today, they said he was stealing money” she snaps, he does not respond and stares at her blankly. “You can’t just do things like this Elliot!”
“I was protecting you” he says, causing her to stare at him with an unknown emotion in her eyes.
“Its not your job to protect me, you put yourself at risk”
“I don’t make mistakes, and I don’t leave evidence behind” he says moving closer to her
“I can take care of myself” she says in a small voice as he stands mere inches from her.
“I know you can”
“So why do this?”
“He made you upset, he tried to hurt you. He doesn’t t get to go free after that”
“Why does that matter to you?” she asks
“Because you - you’re everything to me Will”
“I - what?” she asks
“I refuse to let anyone hurt you ever again”
Elliot places a hand on her cheek and kisses her gently. She gasps in shock and melts into his hold. The touch of her skin against his makes him feel alive. This is what he’d been searching for his entire life. Peace washes over his anxious brain. All of the loneliness that consumed his nights melted away. This was it, this was everything.
His eyes finally focus on her own, noticing the panic in her eyes as her tears threaten to spill. Two years’ worth of memories flooded him. All of the unconditional love and support she’d given him. The hours she held him while his body fought his anxiety. The way she would curl into his chest at night, tucking herself into him. Her loud laugh bounced off the walls of the apartment as she forced him to dance. He was happy, he was loved. And he’d forgotten her. Treated her horribly. She’d never said a word about who she was to him. Despite all of his words she stayed by his side.
“I remember” he says simply
“What?”
“I remember us”
“Don’t fuck with me like that Elliot” she warns, stepping back. He reaches out and grips her arm out of instinct.
“Your real name is Margaret, after your grandmother, but you go by your middle name” he says, watching as her tears fall. “You’re a Taurus and your favorite flowers are roses even though you’re allergic. You are my girlfriend, the woman I love. You are real”
“El?” she asks
Elliot pulls her into a hug, holding her as though she may disappear any second. Willow breaks down into tears and cries into his shoulder. Her entire body shakes as she sobs.
“Fuck I’m so sorry - I can’t even begin to apologize for what I’ve done”
“It’s not your fault”
“I left you”
“I knew something was wrong, it wasn’t you. I’ve been waiting for you to come back to me” she says as he wipes her tears
“You knew?”
“I wasn’t sure, but I knew that he wasn’t you. I’m just so glad that your back” she smiles
#mr robot#rami malek#elliot alderson#alderson#smut#love#angst#did system#elliot x reader#elliot x y/n#mr robot imagine
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Chapter 212: Fester—Megumi's sense of self
Y’all.
Cursed JJK-Sunday.
So much for me being like “oh yeah catharsis is fucking amazing guys, you should defo try it every once in a while.”
And then laughing like a maniacal and tacky Mexican telenovela villainess because I loved the idea that Gege was about to make Megumi suffer and...
Joke’s on me... that cursed cat is a sadist and landed a low blow and now Megumi’s beautiful sense of self is...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS?!!!!!
It’s personal under the cut btw.
Literal picture of me waking up to see the JJK leaks first thing in the morning on Wednesday:
Just because I am not using the evil laughter doesn’t mean I don’t have other tacky af moments up my sleeves.
But... as per usual, today I wish to go on a massive tangent.
As I said above the cut, this got personal real quick.
Like, yes, let’s talk about how cruel it is for Tsumiki’s memories to be used against Megumi by Yorozu...
And how cruel it was for Yuji to have to witness Sukuna take over Megumi’s body despite his best efforts to not just protect Megumi, but to save him...
Gege went to town with the irony this chapter...
And how sad it is for Yuji to continue to undervalue his life as a mere cog that has served a “practical” purpose in the grander scheme of things.
I personally really, really want to see Yuji love himself but like... I also know my kind and we can be very self-loathing.
Yes. All #the things.
Gege was seriously saving all of the good stuff for last.
That said, I want to focus instead on how chapter 212 is a culmination point to a number of disparate and seemingly unrelated factors with one thing in common--Megumi and the major reorganization to everything that he is and stands for.
Updated warning:
So today I am most interested in exploring Megumi’s sense of self because if there’s one thing that is clear to me is that I’m here for Megumi.
As a result, this turned into a sort of introspective headcanon exploration on the nature of the sense of self or self-identity using my interpretation and relationship with Megumi as the basis for it. So just keep that in mind if you keep reading because as much as I care about “canon Megumi”, my interpretation of him, however “accurate or not accurate” it might feel to others, is inevitably a projection of my own psyche.
Thing is... and I am not sure that I’ve harped enough about it in my rambles but... as an amateur art historian, I see art as a mirror upon which we can see ourselves reflected both as collective members of humanity, and as individuals. One is a macrocosm to the other after all.
This is why I am a huge proponent of how the characters we love are reflections of our deepest sense of self whether we consciously recognize it or not.
Megumi being relatable af
That said... Megumi’s sense of self has always been incredibly relatable to me and this post captures that experience really well from a personal perspective.
So... yeah. Episode 23 in the anime is THE reason I read JJK.
I know I’ve said this three hundred million times I’ve been keeping track, but seeing Megumi step into a version of himself beyond his self-perceived limitations was one of the most inspiring and beautiful moments I have ever witnessed in animanga.
It awoke in me a desire to do the same for myself and inspired me to find a way to go about it. A desire to exercise my free will to overcome my fate, to exercise my sense of agency to take control of my life.
So to see Megumi’s sense of agency, his free will and consciousness get snuffed (even if it’s only temporarily) by Sukuna was... personal, not to mention a complete shock.
And yet... in retrospect it makes so much sense that things arrived at this point. Not just from a foreshadowing perspective, but from the perspective of the sense of self.
For some time now I’ve seen Megumi as a character on an identity defining character arc. Meaning that the events in JJK were shaping how he sees himself in relation to others and his place in the world around him.
Whereas prior to this arc Megumi was insecure and had a limited perception of himself...
During Shibuya he developed a confidence in himself and his ability to exert power over his environment that was not there before and that we got to see shine through in the events that followed Shibuya.
Perhaps that is why I always had the feeling that in the CG he was going to go through a reversal of his previous character development up to The Origin of Obedience arc where he kept “loosing” and bumping into obstacles he was afraid to tackle.
Rather, starting with Shibuya, Megumi kept “winning”. He was shown to combine his incredible intelligence (boy can manipulate people like a boss and there’s something very object-relations about it) with the new creative ways he was learning he could use his shadow-based Cursed Technique.
The sense of self and the proverbial glass ceiling
Now, given the nature of an identity-defining character arc, I felt like there would come a time when his current understanding of himself would be challenged by an outside force just as he was beginning to “coagulate” this new, more confident identity.
After all, Gege has shown us several times how when a sorcerer reaches the pinnacle of strength (self-knowledge) and takes it for granted, they get knocked down by their humanity (their shadow)--everything that they didn’t know that they didn’t know about themselves and the world around them.
Side note: I LOVE that Gege drew a soul in the panel above! This man is into soulmate bonds and soulmates recognizing each other and I love him all the more for it even after what he did to Megumi.
In other words, it’s like an invitation to never take our sense of self for granted. Because the moment you THINK you are The Strongest, you are quite literally putting a glass ceiling on top of who you THINK yourself to be.
The moment you THINK you are “enlightened” you are in the ego’s grip, an illusion created by Wetiko/Mara that severely limits how you see yourself in relation to the world around you.
“No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.” In other words, as above, so below--an enlightened being is most human insofar as their shadow keeps growing right along with them.
To be clear, I’m not saying that Gojo is not THE Strongest. I am saying that Gojo was so confident that he was THE Strongest, that he failed to take into consideration, not just Kenny’s existence, but his own human ego’s emotional attachments--an opening that Kenny exploited if you think about it.
For a limitless being such as Gojo, his downfall was his limited human ego attachments. He might be an enlightened being, but he’s still human.
Also, just a friendly reminder that ego is not good or bad. Don’t fall for the bad reputation that the word “ego” has picked up over the years. Psychologically speaking, ego is your sense of self and YOU NEED IT to move through and experience your reality.
Anyways... that’s how we got here... Gojo got sealed, which allowed for the chain of events to unfold as it did, and that brought us to this particular culmination point...
The reason I bring up Gojo’s “weakness” is because Megumi is going through the same thing. The moment Megumi THINKS he’s got everything under control, well...
Megumi is betrayed by one of his most important people’s, and as a result his consciousness or sense of self gets snuffed like a candle in the wind.
Enchain 恵+活
So, real quick before we keep going... Just to emphasize how important kanji is in JJK: the Japanese phonetic spelling for “enchain” is “kei + katsu” and the kanji Gege used is 契闊.
The individual meaning of each kanji character doesn’t matter as much as swapping kanji that have similar phonetic sounds.
There are several kanji that mean different concepts that have the same phonetic sound, so you have to find the right combination:
Like the kanji for 恵 (kei) + 活 (katsu). Which, if you recognize the kanji for “kei”, it’s the kanji used in Megumi’s name. As for the kanji that replaced “katsu” (活) it means “Live / Resuscitation / Being helped / Living”.
I think I read about this from this user.
Boom.
Gege hiding clues in the kanji?
Ok moving on...
We all know Sukuna wanted to use Megumi for something nefarious and that he was waiting for just the right moment to activate his binding vow.
What’s interesting to me is that the precise moment that Sukuna was waiting for had everything to do with finding the right opening for taking over Megumi’s psyche. As it turns out, that was when Megumi was at his most vulnerable, which is, as I’ve said over and over and over and over again, one of the qualities Megumi deeply rejects about himself. More on this in a bit.
Basically, Sukuna’s opening was Megumi’s sense of self being weakened by the utter emotional shock he was in because of the reveal about Tsumiki.
Like... we seriously have never seen Megumi show this much emotion, this strongly. And there’s something almost... idk... infantile about the way he’s depicted?
I’m just throwing arrows in the dark here, but I get massive “abandonment issues” vibes. Almost like we’re seeing Megumi’s ego regress to a stage in his childhood where he last felt the sheer terror of betrayal and abandonment.
Gege you sadist! He’s seriously out to punish Megumi like the wrathful “God” that he is.
But going back to the idea of Megumi’s vulnerability being exploited because he assumed that Tsumiki had awakened a Cursed Technique instead of being a vessel for a sorcerer from the past...
Not only is this, again, an ironic reversal on how he looked down on Remi’s vulnerability for believing Reggie’s empty promises (even though she probably had NO clue that her lover’s consciousness did not exist any longer), but, again, it’s Megumi feeling vulnerable, a feeling he rejects.
Self-obliteration vs. self-affirmation
I have to thank Fellow Fishie #7 for helping me see this because I was so caught up in the shock to my own ego and so engrossed in my own experience of Megumi that I had failed to notice how Megumi’s self-obliterating thoughts and behaviors were a big part of Sukuna taking over his body.
Not to mention the lack of self-affirming thoughts and behaviors.
And this REALLY got me thinking. Like... REALLY got me thinking about the nature of self-identity and self-sabotage and self-hatred and how despite our best efforts at developing a sense of self, we are afraid to interface with the world and choose instead to stay within self-obliterating comfort zones.
For reference, an example of a self-obliterating behavior would be “addiction” (as an extreme example) and a self-obliterating thought would be rejecting your vulnerability.
How so? With addiction you are numbing the self, and by rejecting your vulnerability you are inherently rejecting a part of your self.
In Jungian Psychology, the goal of psychological maturation is wholeness--that is, bringing the contents of the shadow to the light of consciousness and being able to hold the tension of all of our contradictions as human beings.
During maturation and identity-formation, however, the ego creates an idea of itself. As we experience unpleasant feelings like shame or guilt, a lot of the personality traits associated with those unpleasant feelings get pushed into the Shadow to protect the ego’s idea of itself.
i.e. you know that moment when you come to the cold realization that you have been doing the exact same thing you hate about others? It takes A LOT of psychological strength to be able to see this truth about oneself and not reject it.
If I am honest, this is why “anti” stances baffle me...
So any time you consciously, or even worse, unconsciously reject aspects of yourself, you are self-obliterating. As a clue, projection is one way you can recognize when you are rejecting aspects of yourself.
In Megumi’s case, we know he rejects both good and bad people. Megumi is neither good nor bad. To Megumi’s consciousness, neither of these personality traits apply to him. Other people are good, and other people are bad.
Meaning, good and bad exist outside of himself and he is not good because if he was good he would be weak-minded and pretentious...
And he’s also not bad because, if he was bad, he would have no brains and zero emotional capability what’s up with this translation omg now I want to go read the Japanese raws...
Actually, reading these panels I am noticing just how skewed Megumi’s opinion is of both. His take on both good and bad people is immature at best.
BUT ANYWAYS... the point I am trying to make here is that, despite how much more confident in his abilities his sense of self has become, Megumi still self-obliterates and doesn’t realize it.
I think the main reason I agree that if Megumi dies right now is inconclusive and anticlimactic, is precisely because his sense of self is a beautiful example of what is possible for our self-identity when we step outside our self-obliterating comfort zones and step into self and life-affirming thoughts and behaviors.
If I had to say what it is that broke my heart about Sukuna taking over Megumi’s body it is precisely the fact that I’ve been rooting for Megumi to keep growing, to keep bettering himself. So to see him loose agency over his soul and body it just... guh. It gutted me.
Again. It’s PERSONAL AND I CAN’T BE NORMAL ABOUT IT. LIKE... WHERE AM I SELF-OBLITERATING (other than the obvious) AND HOW DO I STOP MYSELF FROM SELF-SABOTAGING?! WHERE DO I NEED TO BE MORE SELF AFFIRMING IN MY OWN LIFE?
The thing is that Megumi’s confidence in himself might have increased, but his emotional intelligence and self-awareness stagnated. And again, what happens in JJK to a character whose self-awareness stagnates? They get put in the fucking corner after having their vulnerability and their very humanity exploited.
To complicate things, Sukuna is Wetiko personified, a sense of self corrupted by the illusion and trappings of ego. Sukuna is self-affirming but not life-affirming. So whatever actions Sukuna takes in Megumi’s body, again... it will be self-affirming but not life-affirming for Megumi’s ego.
In other words... if Megumi’s sense of self is still alive somewhere in there, this is the ego death I’ve been waiting for.
IF he’s still alive, the real test to his sense of self comes after Sukuna leaves his body.
idk if this makes sense but the content of this lecture will be on your finals. Please study properly.
All of this to say...
TLDR; in conclusion
You son of a....
How am I supposed to continue to call him Daddy Sukuna?!!!! It feels SO wrong on SO many levels.
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fuck booktok fr it literally recommends the same ten books over and over again, mischaracterises or twinkifies half the characters and then act like theyve done no wrong when other book communities hate on them. LIKE BABES YOU LITERALLY TURNED LITERATURE INTO FAST FASHION. capatalism is at an all time high in booktok, with ppl having 200 physical tbr's and five editions of the same book. but if you say anything about it, you hated on for hating???? we really need to go back to libraries, its like ppl have forgotten those exist. anyway that was my small little rant hehe (sorry feel free to ignore)
Oooooh, book-community discourse is a thing? *-* Interesting.
I do know they get a lot of backlash from the art-communities because every damn novel has one of three cover-designs and they all look the same nowadays. You can hardly tell the authors apart. Most are made by AI as well -.- (I mean, shouldn’t writers/authors and artists be on the same page about the matter? No? Imagine complaining about your writing being stolen and then using AI for your cover-art… come on now.)
Feel free to rant always xD I’m actually happy to know I’m not the only one feeling weird about these 10’ish recommendations that you see over and over again. I picked one out that was Goodreads #1 bestseller once (2022, I believe) and seeing people rave about it and giving the monstrosity 5-⭐️ catapulted me to an alternative Universe to rethink my entire life. I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused. (Beautiful prose though, I’ll give it that.)
((I put book-tok and -tube together because to me it didn’t seem like it’s much different? I don’t really use tiktok, but they all repost their vids and recs through yt-shorts. Not sure if putting the two together pissed someone off then, but please do correct me if I’m wrong.))
Yeeaaahh, you’re right actually. I never really sat down to think about it, but that analogy you made is pretty brilliant. I mean, it’s sad, but a lot do treat books like fast fashion from what I’ve seen. I may not like majority of these ‘trending’ books, but treating a piece of work that way (cheap and trendy) hurts my book-loving heart a little. If ever possible in the future, I’d love to have a library in my home with my favorite books. (Dark academia style of course.) I usually only buy a physical copy if I really liked it after reading the digital version. Unfortunately around here, most libraries have closed :( So I’m afraid you’re right about that as well— people really have forgotten.
#asktamelee#book discourse#hehe#book talk#Oh! I do realize Goodreads isn't very reliable#but a bestseller should still say something...#it's like they all infiltrated these sites to make a sport out of rating stories
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eras of tumblr i could give hour-long Ted Talks about
(only including eras i participated in, not what i’ve lived through second-handedly. these are what i personally remember seeing on my dash, i’m sure there’s plenty i missed. This is an ongoing list/not fixed/subject to future edits.)
2015 gravity falls
the rise of sexyman bill cipher
depravity falls and putting 12 yr old characters in violent guro situations
alex hirsch worship
billdip discourse
the diehard thirst for Gruncle Ford
“i want to fuck that dorito”
2015/16 Black Butler
SebaCiel discourse
Grelle discourse (like, i don’t even know how to elaborate, but if you were there you would remember how people were fighting over her characterization in all different directions. Which is funny because, love her or hate her, she is barely even in the show lol)
The needlessly intense sjw vs anti-sjw/ fiction doesn’t effect reality/ shipping fighting
can’t quantify this, but i swear 80% of the fans were ex-hetalia fans
Black butler 2 being either loved or hated, while book of circus was almost unanimously loved
the Scott Freeman incident...
no one giving a fuck about the female characters
Yana/Jay Michael Tatum worship
2016 Undertale
Sans undertale sexyman rise
the most raw video game soundtrack of all time
papyton
no one agrees how to draw undyne, but we all agree that she’s gay as fuck
(This is a personal anecdote, but i actually made a friend in highschool bc i drew undertale fanart on the board at latin class nd she added to it the next day, i added to it the next day and eventually we met up and it was so adorable)
“get dunked on”
2016-17 hamilton, heathers, great comet, dear evan hansen, be more chill musical theater insanity
rip tumblr user galactibun
The Hamilton craze breathing new life into the 1776 musical fandom
Most bizarre fanfic aus seen on tumblr thus far (hamilton)
The great comet Tony snubs
BMC and DEH blowing up, despite most fans only caring about the characters, totally ignoring the plot.
“Miku binder Thomas Jefferson”
No one giving a fuck about “The Hamilton Mixtape”
Gatekeeping fans who didn’t read war and peace or the ron chernow biography (i don’t think anyone ever gave a shit about the BMC orginal book which is SO FUNNY)
lin manuel miranda worship
real people fanfictions of actors/shipping them (especially hamilton!)
Key Figures include: Lin Manuel Miranda, Ron Chernow, Philipa Soo, Daveed Diggs, Ben Platt, George Salazar, Barette Wilbert Weed, and Mike Faist
2016-2017 the yuri on ice, killing stalking, kaikyu yaoi trifecta
Yaoi take over
The anime fans collective salt over YOI winning anime of the year 2016
Not in this time period, but the Killing Stalking fans despising the ending en mass several years later.
Free! was also huge as the second season concluded not long before, but wasn’t receiving new updated in Realtime like the other three.
honestly? i mostly just remember people drawing some of the most beautiful fan art of the characters and not bothering to follow the plots
2015-2016 steven universe discourse peak craziness
There are no words, looking back this all feels like a fever dream
Insane fan-theories (as in- even for Tumblr, these theories were very out there)
Pink diamond character derailment
“watching steven universe is the opposite of eating pussy”
Gemosonas
fusion = sex???
“it’s over isn’t it” single-handedly inspiring some of the most beautiful fan art to come out of the show; "Stronger than you” def inspired much more fan-creations, but they were nowhere near as good imo
That terrible lily peet video that sent a tidal wave of fandom-fighting
Concrete
Nicki Minaj guest appearance
the porn avalanche predating the 2018 nsfw ban
My OG account got banned >:( (i never posted porn, tried to email support to no avail, I DID NOT DEVERVE THIS YOU NARCS)
50-50 mix of people posting lewd art and people posting links to find them as they migrated to twitter
“Female presenting nipples”
The return of the citrus scale (orange: PG/G, Lime: PG-13, Lemon: R, Grapefruit: X)
“Too Spicy for Tumblr”
Didn’t even stop the porn bots, mostly just screwed over artists and writers
IMO the peak of user v staff animosity
2020 hannibal
The small but loyal anthony hopkins defenders
Some of the most beautiful creative gore art
The moodboard to web-weaving pipeline
People being surprisingly respectful of fans who only watched the show, or who didn’t read Red Dragon/Silence of the Lambs, or where otherwise not invested in the greater overall Hannibal canon.
Manipulate, mansplain, malewife
Key Figures Include: Madds Mikkelson, Hugh Dancy, Anthony Hopkins
november 5, 2020
You just had to be there man, i don’t know what to tell you.
Key Figures include: Donald Trump, Castiel, Dean Winchester, Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin, Nevada, Georgia, Wisconsin and debatably Sherlock season 5
the 2021 coquette girl blogger era
Lana del rey worship
The ungodly amount of softcore porn
Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss
Glorification of eating disorders, benzos, trailer parks, predatory men, age gap relationships, and so much more!
Teenagers blogging about Russian lit you know they never read
Waifblr
Still not sure to this day how much of this was ironic and how much wasn’t?? Or if any of this was self-aware???
Yes babe you’re so bambi, kate moss, diet coke, wellbutrin, dasha nekrosova, ballet, klonopin, trad cath, fawn, dior, sofia coppela, can you please shut the fuck up now?
key figures include: Lana del Rey, Daisy Randone, Dasha Nekrosova, Nina Sayers, Fiona Apple, Anya Taylor Joy, Sylvia Plath, Kate Moss, Kirsten Dunst (probably so many more, but this is just off the top of my head)
(bonus)
2015/16- My personal earliest memories of really getting into tumblr, and witnessing the tail-end of the Hetalia reign
2016- the end of Homestuck
2016- the epidemic of overwatch porn
2016- Does Jumin Han is gay?
2017- RWBY’s nosedive in quality from season 3 to 4, losing the majority of the fanbase
2018 Boyfriend to Death civil war (Gatobob v ElectricPuke)
2018- Detroit become Human drops and the robot-fucking gatekeeping
2018- the Game of thrones/Endgame joint disaster ending melt down
2019- Sub-par Omens
2020- the Dead by Daylight community rioting when Pyramid Head’s ass got nerfed
2020- Cyberpunk 2077 is released and is torn apart almost instantly. Looking back by my approximations post were made up of- 10% people who were actually playing the games and enjoying themselves, 20% people who were playing the game and WEREN’T having fun, 55% People who never bought/played the game who were making up crazy glitches for clout, 15% hardcore pornography of characters you’d never seen before. (I’m quite salty about this bc I worked at GameStop at this time and had people constantly talking about glitches in casual conversation and I just know most of these bitches were LYING.)
20??- don’t remember the exact dates, but phase 3 marvel was un-escapable at this time
2020/21- Succession blows up
2022 Ghost bc blows up on tiktok, the fandom already sizable on tumblr only goes up from here
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mutual 1: saw yaoi and yuri genderbends
mutual 2: just a little doodle I’m working on! (Insert the most beautiful piece of saw art I’ve ever fucking seen in my life)
mutual 3: rebloging five hundred things per day and they’re all either about cannibalism or pretty pictures
mutual 4: drawings that would make a straight person stare in utter disgust
mutual 5: a reblog of some fuckass image of mark hoffman with the caption “holy shit look at his MASSIVE tiddies I need to shove those in my mouth” (you know who you are.)
mutual 6: Hannibal memes that have seriously gay undertones
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women of the house of black rec list: gifts for me edition!
apparently i have a brand or smth
a rec list for @womenofthehouseofblack fest 🖤
double drabbles
💛 Narcissa/Minerva: yule never guess (how much you mean to me) [chapter 4: soft] by @nanneramma & nocturn
💛 Narcissa/Lily Evans Potter: Like Steam by nocturn
❤️🔥 Bellatrix/Andromeda: the simple lack of her by @fantasyborn
❤️🔥 Bellatrix/Tonks: Masks & Morsels by @vdoshu
misc (poetry and art)
💚 Bellatrix/Charity Burbage: [ART] I am not the same as them. by @digthewriter
💛 Narcissa-centric: A flower amongst stars by @bluesundaycake
longer reads
💛 Andromeda/Lily: don't wake the stars by @girl-with-goats
🧡 Andromeda-centric: The Waves by @nanneramma
❤️🔥 Bellatrix/Andromeda: Absinthe (and a candy apple) by spellingqueenbee
❤️🔥 Bellatrix/Rodolphus: Sweet, Glorious Madness by The_Shift
❤️🔥 Walburga/Orion: Hate, lead the way! by @black-sparroww
❤️🔥 Tonks/Sirius: Throwing Rocks by @black-sparroww
-#-
double drabbles
💛 Narcissa/Minerva: yule never guess (how much you mean to me) [chapter 4: soft] by @nanneramma & nocturn
what a wonderfully written yuletide reunion! the build, the atmosphere, the tension! masters of microfic formats at work here.
💛 Narcissa/Lily Evans Potter: Like Steam by nocturn
mmmm STEAMMMYY. hogwarts era secret relationship perfection.
❤️🔥 Bellatrix/Andromeda: the simple lack of her by @fantasyborn. She’s dressed for the occasion: ball gown and mask obscuring her features. She blends in. No one knows she’s here. She just – she needs to see Bella.
the desperation, the tension, the hurt! also, i'm still not over how perfect this title is. <3
❤️🔥 Bellatrix/Tonks: Masks & Morsels by @vdoshu
“I’ve caught you again, my little morsel”: oh no i’m in danger dot gif. i requested regency au and wow did these two fics deliver!!
misc formats (poetry and art)
💚 Bellatrix/Charity Burbage: [ART] I am not the same as them. by @digthewriter
Charity/Bellatrix - who is at mercy of whom? -- OMG THIS PAIRING!
💛 Narcissa-centric: A flower amongst stars by @bluesundaycake
Narcissa comes to terms with being different -- beautiful imagery and lovely feelings-realization!
longer reads
💛 Andromeda/Lily: don't wake the stars by @girl-with-goats || 3k, T
a first wizarding war-ish battle of hogwarts au! i love all the little moments we get to see between the two of them, both in the present day and in flashbacks, and the there was only one bed setup was SO good.
🧡 Andromeda-centric: The Waves by @nanneramma || 3k, M
Go walk into your dawn, you snotrags, tell 'em we never cared
Go tell 'em how we fucked you up and, oh my God, it's so unfair
We were the winter nights so you could be the morning snow
Your life begins by leaving and our love is shown in the letting go
i’ve said forever that the amazing devil’s Chords is the Bad ParentTM apologia fic i want to see exist if i thought for a second it wouldn't kill me to write, so, forever grateful to nan for writing this. tedromeda, druella & andromeda, andromeda & tonks... canon compliant from pre-marauders era to post-DH, what an incredible character study.
❤️🔥 Bellatrix/Andromeda: Absinthe (and a candy apple) by spellingqueenbee || 6k, E
December 1970.
One of them is getting ready for war.
One of them is preparing to leave her family behind.
Neither of them knows that this is their last Christmas holiday together.
impeccable characterization, incredible prose! creepy and monstrous and terrifying and beautiful!
❤️🔥 Bellatrix/Rodolphus: Sweet, Glorious Madness by The_Shift || 2k, E
femdom bella 😈 this fic is primarily rodolphus/rabastan but there’s enough bellatrix here that i feel comfortable — compelled! — to rec it. love her in this so much!
❤️🔥 Walburga/Orion: Hate, lead the way! by @black-sparroww || 5k, E
firstly: some of the most amazing walburga art i’ve ever seen??? secondly: so much depth to the background relationships: kreacher and walburga, sirius and walburga, blood purity, gender roles... such a good story for such an complicated character.
❤️🔥 Tonks/Sirius: Throwing Rocks by @black-sparroww || 10k, E
Tonks has never been one to idly stand by and watch good people suffer in solitude. She pays Sirius an unexpected visit on her day off with the plan to make his time at Grimmauld Place a little easier.
trapped-in-grimmauld-place sirius is understandably broody, but this fic somehow manages to make it fun and so hot! tonks is an absolute delight, love their rapport, love me some german speaking blacks, and this extended smut scene is so good.
#hp fics#hp fanart#hp femslash#blackcest#harry potter fanfiction#house of black#bellatrix black lestrange#andromeda black tonks#narcissa black malfoy#nymphadora tonks#walburga black#fic rec list#my fic recs#black sisters#most noble ancient and dysfunctional house of black
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helloooo!
just thinking…. Straight up…. Boob play.
thank u and goodbye 🫣
Anonymous, I’m so glad you requested this bc I just feel like he’d appreciate the FUCK out of a nice pair of tits. This Is gonna be more like a blurb if that’s ok bc I just have so many different scenarios for this 🥵
Also, coming from a proud owner of a large chest this is making my whole life better
My ask box is always open for more <3
You would purposefully wear stuff to get his attention on your chest. Your best push up bra, low cut shirts/dresses, the whole 9 yards
He’d walk in your room and his eyes would instantly go to your chest. He couldn’t help it
“Goddamn” “what?” You’d ask with a smirk, knowing damn well what you were doing
He’d walk up to you and just sink to his knees, pushing his face into your chest
“You have the most beautiful tits I’ve ever seen”
“These are all mine. My girls”
Just looking at them would get him hard. He couldn’t help himself around you
One of his favorite things would be showering with you, purely so he could soap up your chest and stare at his work
He loves cumming on them. Loves the way it drips over your nipples and down your body JFKSJSKEJ
He would show them so much attention during sex. Kissing, nipping, squeezing, sucking
He loves to fuck between them. You would squeeze them around his length while he thrusted between them
His favorite place to leave hickeys. He’d leave them looking like his own very art piece.
He loves sleeping on your chest just so he could lay his head on them and you’d play with his hair to lull him into sleep
He absolutely cannot leave them alone when you two are together. Always squeezing them and kissing them
His favorite body part on you (aside from the obvious) and he reminds you of that daily
HDKSOSKDN I AM NOT OK
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REGARDING THE CORRUPTION POST-- YOU GET IT!!!!!! YES THAT'S EXACTLY IT
AHH THANK YOU FOR MESSAGING ME ABOUT IT!! I WAS GOING TO MAKE A POST DELVING DEEPER INTO IT BUT I GOT DISTRACTED
Okay so these are my tags for those who haven’t seen them on @floating-goblin-art ‘s beautiful post about Reaver hiding horns under his hat(link added for those who haven’t seen the art I’m referring to)
But yeah context given, I need to Brain Dump about this after doing a little more thinking, because it makes SENSE!!
There are a LOT of characters who should have more evidence of corruption in Fable 2 with how easy it is for Sparrow’s appearance to change (admittedly it’s hard to necessarily say who has hero blood, and it IS possible that the whole horns thing was meant to just be an Archon blood thing, but there are characters who we go up against that in my opinion most likely have Hero Blood—like Dash, the Bandit who claims to be “The Fastest Man Alive”, and the Cult Leader who you can kill to protect Oakfield)
However, if we assume that Morality in Fable (2, at least) is NOT judged by an otherworldly being, but the values of an individual and their lifestyle personally, it would make more sense that they don’t end up sprouting horns or glowing cracks in their skin even when the narrative clearly shows them as villainous. Sparrow on the other hand, we know grew up on stories of Heroism that Rose made up for them until her death, and that they FINISHED growing up under Theresa’s guidance and training for the explicit purpose of getting vengeance upon Lucian. The specific types of things that raise CORRUPTION(not Evil) in Fable 2 relate VERY well to the base of Sparrow as they’re shown in game and that fascinates me.
It’s been a while since I’ve played, but if I remember correctly the biggest “Corrupting” influences in Fable 2 are 1: Rich Foods and Alcohol, and 2: Raising Rent Prices. The rent prices specifically are a betrayal of who Sparrow was as a child—they grew up on the streets before Theresa took them in, to raise the rent and further impoverish families is not only a shitty thing to do, but it’s SPECIFICALLY shitty from the perspective of Sparrow’s childhood. The food is fascinating as well, because when I first played the game I thought “Well this is kind of fucked up” from the perspective of disordered eating, but I don’t think it’s ACTUALLY about the Food and Alcohol itself—this may be a reach, but I suspect that the reason cooked foods(and alcohol in general) raise corruption is that they represent slowing down to enjoy life, as opposed to remaining staunchly devoted to The Mission™️ and avenging Rose.
Theresa reminds us throughout the narrative that Sparrow has a PURPOSE. I suspect that betrayals of that purpose are what cause corruption, since I don’t think we get any corruption when we perform Evil acts in The Spire.
As far as Reaver goes, he as a character REPRESENTS the things that are Corruption for Sparrow, and yet he’s beautiful(narratively speaking, regardless of personal opinion, though I obviously agree. ALSO it’s fascinating that Sparrow gains Evil but no corruption for carrying out the sacrifice on the girl in the Shadow Court). This makes sense because Reaver himself feels no remorse for the drinking and the killing and the hedonistic enjoyment of his life—he feels guilt over Oakvale, but that was centuries ago, and he hadn’t known the cost when he made his deal. In truth, I actually think failing to ENJOY his long life would be corruption to Reaver, because if he’s not enjoying his life than everyone he ever knew in Oakvale died in vain.
That makes me think that in Fable 3 (which has no corruption mechanic, but I’m getting more into Lore territory than actual mechanics) Reaver HAS failed to enjoy himself. Reaver’s betrayed the man he’s spent CENTURIES as by trying to erase all history of his Piracy. This is my opinion, but Reaver in Fable 2 seemed much more ALIVE and overall pleased with life than he does in Fable 3. In Fable 2, we saw that most people Reaver rubbed shoulders with were other Pirate types and in general grittier people, where as in Fable 3 he’s surrounded by rich idiots (and also Balverines, but these Balverines are also very likely rich idiots)
This may just be the unrepentant Spreaver shipper in me—but I do feel as though it may have something to do with Sparrow’s death. I have a hard time wondering what else could have been significant enough to have him suddenly and brutally erase his history as Pirate King.
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Happy 56th birthday, Phil! Every year I write something on this day and it usually turns into a letter to him about all the ways he’s impacted my life. Every time it seems like he's had an even bigger influence than the one before, and this year is no exception.
I scribbled something earlier, elsewhere, about how hard it has become to write about Phil Hoffman in some ways—he's become so much a part of my life that it would be like trying to describe why I love breathing so much. I just do—I have to—it keeps me alive, and I love being alive. I love being alive in large part thanks to Phil.
Today was kind of hard. I used to set a lot of expectations for myself about how things should feel, but I've learned to just accept what comes. On Phil's birthdays, I try to be happy and celebrate his life. We hear enough about his death, even from the most well-meaning people and comments. But today I really just missed him. This is the 10th birthday he has missed, which is a painful milestone, but even the number didn't mean much to me.
Maybe it's because this last year has been so good. One of the best of my life. The lessons I've learned from Phil's work and his life have helped me grow into a more confident, appreciative, and I hope kinder version of myself. He's pushed me out of my comfort zone with incredible results. Far too many things to list here—don't want to steal the spotlight from the birthday boy, after all, though I did run the NYC half marathon in his memory...—but suffice to say it's been an amazing fucking year. Most of all finally visiting Rochester and meeting Phil's mother and sister, getting to tell them he changed my life.
So now it's his birthday—the day to celebrate and honor and remember his life, the man he was, the artist he strove to be, all the amazing ways he's made a difference in the world. And there were a lot of tears because I just wish he was here for it. I knew higher highs would beget lower lows. Having walked his streets in the city and met his family and had all these real, solid experiences, maybe the fact that he's gone feels more real and solid, too.
I come back to the fact that it only hurts so badly because I love him so much. This grief is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Is it worth it? Yes, it is. It always is. Even when it’s so hard, it’s worth that pain—sometimes for what’s on the other side, sometimes for the pain itself. The lessons within it. That's what life is, Phil said, all the joy and all the heartbreak, wrapped up together and beautiful.
Tonight there was a real pretty sunset and I sat outside in the grass and finished A Prayer for Owen Meany, one of PSH's favorite books. "If you care about something, you have to protect it—if you're lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it."
Knowing Phil—through his films, his words, his actions, his community, his spirit—has given me a life I love, full of art and harm reduction and sobriety and Proust and relationships and an overflowing DVD shelf and starting lines and the reassuring sense of his hand on my shoulder and love, and the courage to live that full life.
He was brave and could be restlessly impatient with anyone who wasn't. He infused every role with a piece of his soul—not as a Faustian bargain, but with love and understanding. He made people feel seen, whether they were standing in front of him or sitting in a darkened theater. His love was ferocious. He fought every day and stayed sober for over 20 years. He pushed himself out of his comfort zone to reach new heights as an actor. He didn't really like to be stopped on the street, but when someone once whispered, "I love you," as he passed, he turned with a big smile and said "Love you too!" One thing I wish I'd had the presence of mind to tell his mom and sister is that, in addition to his obvious talent, I've heard so many stories about what an amazing person he was.
Happy birthday, Phil—also known as BK, Heat Miser, Philly Cream Cheese, Bill Board, bubs, Slip, Clyde Anderson, my PB, The Chairman, bastard, birthday boy (among several other aliases). We've already talked quite a bit today, so I'll stick to the basics. I love you. We keep you with us all the time—so many people who love you and who you love in return, family and friends and fellow artists and fans who saw truth in the way you worked and created and lived. We are so proud of you for every day, for all the time you spent with us, for everything you did and all that you are. I dream of your smile, your big laugh.
Thank you, Philip. For everything. For being around. You said you wanted to make a difference and you did—I needed you and you showed up and you haven't stopped showing up since. I want to make you proud and I hope I do. Happy birthday, Phil, I love you—you know the rest ❤️
#'carry me in your heart. I talk to you from there.' I hear you buddy. I'm always listening#angel of the cosmos#*
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