Cleaned up the back yard

Fixed the garage lights

Took the trash out

Made some phone calls

Went and got us dinner even though it was really late

hope everyone’s had/is having a lovely day so far!! 🥺💗 here is some extra love!!!

Habits

✎: You guys have been eating good with my posts, thanks for all the notes kiddies! 🫡

♡Summary: Johnny Price subconsciously picks up on your habits <3

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

Bf!Price noticed your one-sided conversation with your beloved dog, Cooper. You were sat cross-legged with a bag of treats in your hand, his tail tersely wagging in the air. “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?” You cooed, a playful tone lacing your words. You then seamlessly switched to a higher pitch, one that resonated with your dog more: “I am! I’m a good boy.” When John witnessed this heartwarming interaction, a smile tugged at his lips knowing that you and Cooper had an inseparable bond.

And so when you noticed Price having bantering one-on-one conversations with Coop, which he never did before, you couldn’t help but chuckle at your newfound discovery.

Bf!Price loved it when you made him breakfast in bed, he never asked you to, but you still did it voluntarily. You leisurely got up from bed, veering off from startling or waking him up and entered the kitchen. You were half asleep - but still committed to the task at hand, you made him eggs on buttered toast, fluffy pancakes with maple syrup, orange juice and a side of freshly sliced strawberries.

“Wake up sleepy head,” you muttered, placing the tray of food onto the nightstand. The delicious scent of the breakfast wafted through the room. He grunted and drowsily arose in response, as you nestled his face in your gentle hands. His eyes, still heavy with sleep, blinked open to find you sat next to him, and the food perfectly framed in the soft morning light. The love and care you committed to the food you prepared made him feel loved and appreciated.

“All this… for me?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.

You nodded, “Of course, all for you.”

He sat up, a soft chuckle escaping his lips. “I love you so much.”

You pressed a kiss to his lips, as you pulled away his eyes remained fixed on you, causing your heart to skip a beat or two.

“Thank you…” He brushed a strand of hair out of your face and tucked it behind your ear “For everything.”

“It’s my pleasure.”

Bf!Price was beyond grateful for your kind gesture, he didn’t tell you this, but years of military training caused him to instinctively wake up even at the slightest sound or movement. He had grown accustomed to being a light sleeper during his time in the army, he saw you try extremely hard to not startle or wake him up, he knew how early in the morning it was when you fled to go make him breakfast - all the efforts you put into it made him appreciate it even more. He couldn’t fight the urge to make you breakfast in bed this time.

As the morning sun lightly filtered through the curtains, he silently rose from the bed. Today, he was going to return the sweet gesture and he was determined to. With careful consideration, he mentally noted all the little things you loved. He knew you adored the bittersweet taste of a fresh milk coffee, he knew you loved waffles with a crispy exterior and a soft, sweet centre. He couldn’t help but chuckle as he remembered your affinity for blueberries, adding them generously to a separate bowl. He most importantly remembered that you were a light eater with a sweet tooth every morning, so he was going to keep it simple.

“Good morning sweetheart,” he greeted softly.

As you gradually stirred awake, he presented you with the tray - a mix of excitement and affection visible in his eyes.

Bf!Price rarely sends emojis; his texting style is monotone, but when talking to him face to face, he's a ball of sunshine. When it comes to you, you don’t shy away from embracing your personality in text messages as well. Sending emojis galore, using capital letters, abbreviations …

When texting him, you observe the way he messages you gradually shift. It became more and more alike to the way you text. For example, when laughing, before it would be something along the lines of:

“Ahah”, or reacting to the message.

Now it was:

“Hahahaha😂☠️”, maybe you were delusional, or, you detected him picking up on another one of your habits yet again.

Bf!Price endured a healthy lifestyle and a consistent routine in the gym, and you started naturally gravitating towards it. As days passed, you took note of his passion for staying fit and his morning jogs. The way he talked about his favourite exercises and the happiness it brought him was contagious. Without even realising it, you began joining him. You laughed at how effortlessly you slipped into his passion for fitness, it wasn’t just about staying in shape, it was about the bonding experience. Not only have you embraced his routine, but also strengthened your connection.

Bf!Price was overwhelmed at how underwhelming your workspace was, papers in neat colour coordinated stacks, pens arranged into meticulous rows, even the array of sticky notes seemed to be in their proper place, an abundance of files to make it easier to stay organised …

What was once an unorganised jumble (his workspace), was soon enough a space that fostered clarity and focus. He appreciated the positive influence you had on him, even if it was as small as just staying organised. He felt a newfound sense of accomplishment every time he looked at his now-tidy desk.

Masterlist

Gaz Version

Ghost Version

König Version

Soap Version

all i want for christmas is you ft. ‘colormytree’ website

warning: platonic relationship!

in which you sent each drivers on the grid the ‘colormytree’ website url and asked for xmas messages. here are some of their responses:

max verstappen

named his puppy ornament ‘MAX’

“hey y/n, so how’s spain nd everything? just thought that i would text you a merry xmas gif later today:) too bad they do not have that option here. btw it’s lovely to know that i’m the first one to hang an ornament on your tree, did you text me first, if so i must say that i’m really honoured:) anyway merry christmas and happy new year, looking forward to see you in jan!!”

lando norris

named his santa claus-on-a-ski ‘doubtinglife’

“my twin flame✨🍀💥💐 ya must have miss me so much huh??? happy merry christmas to you and to little eilie too!!! i’ll back in monaco this thur, do you wanna catch up w me?”

“ps: ooops lo siento i forgot you are still in spain. pick a day and pay me a visit then, you owe me a fancy dinner!!!”

george russell

named his wrapped present with red ribbons ornament ‘gr’

“this is honestly kinda cute, really giving me your vibe mate. so uhm… for today only i will say nice things. merry chrismas y/n, i wish u all the best. let’s have a fearless life and maybe got urself a bf or a gf who will madly love you next year. nighty🌛”

charles leclerc

named his polar bear ‘🎄’

“hi y/n merry christmas, wanna take a guess on who am i? btw love this idea of yours, the tree is sooo beautiful and i love the doodles ornaments too, well i might make myself a tree later:) i’ll send you the link first! and i heard that you are in spain? stay safe while visiting barcelona, the guys their are a bit wild in my opinion😂 anw hoping to see u asap🫶🏻”

carlos sainz

named his kitten face ornament ‘hotsummernight’

“ciao ciao, merry xmas to you ms. silly disney princess. don’t need to write a whole paragraph here, do i? i have prepared a present for you, pls come over at 7pm for dinner! but hey i still need u to text me later, u know, for a confirmation:) have a g’day then, see you!!”

oscar piastri

named his orange ornaments ‘theawardshow’

"nice try from you to steal my attention. so how have you been? hope things don’t mess up with u. merry christmas and happy new year, i’m grateful to have you as my friend this year, you’re like a gift. and not the kind i’d return for store credit:) that’s it, enjoy urself and have fun.”

“yikes i hope that no one can read this thing but you, if this message got revealed to the others so there’s a good chance that i might quit racing next year, too embarrassing honestly.”

Pairing: Soft Dom bf!Pedri | Tall brat gf!You. 

Warning(s): D/s dynamics, power imbalance, light manhandling, stern Pedri, Daddy kink, allusion to spanking, Pedri puts reader in her place in a rather sfw way atypical to me. Please do not read if this isn't your cup of tea. Do not repost my works in any way, or use my ideas without permission. Minors do not interact. 

Pedri raises an amused, perfectly shaped eyebrow at your little act of defiance. He has to crane his neck upwards to look at you from his half turned position a few steps away from you. 

"I am sorry, what was that?" It's a rhetorical question but he understands that you're just a silly little baby who never really thinks her words or actions through at first. 

He has to spell everything out for you. 

Your cheeks are puffed as you pout down at him, protestant arms crossed over your chest. "You heard me!" You think that you have really done something with this, but when your boyfriend doesn't budge, you start getting restless and fussier. 

It's really hard to hold his eyes in situations where he's clearly unhappy with you. 

Well, so what?!

You are also very displeased with him!

Pedri slowly slithers in a frustrated sigh when some of the staff and other customers in the bookstore start to stare at the scene you're causing. He is still only half turned to look at you when he speaks. 

"Put it down, mi cariño~" your eyes roll despite his open dislike towards the action and a dramatic huff escapes you. 

"I've no idea what you mean!" The louder your voice gets with each word, the more his jaw tightens. 

Now you're just asking to be pulled across his knee. 

"Should I come and look, mi vida?" The sweet endearments are a sign. You are digging your own grave. 

But alas, you're just a dumb little brat, aren't you? 

You nearly waver at that and he has to bite back his smirk. You're wrapped around his fingers and he knows it. Just a fiddle for him to play as he sees fit.

"I- I…" You gulp as you rake your mind for the appropriate words but images of how he'd look if he did approach you are already flooding your mind. 

"Yes, mi corazón, you?" Despite the difference in your heights, he always manages to make you feel like the smallest little thing ever. 

You nearly falter, his sweet tone almost lulling you into caving but then your fingers subconsciously tighten around the book and you can't help but snap back into brat mode. 

"No!" Pedri is in disbelief at your audacity. The way both his eyebrows raise is proof. "I am NOT leaving without this!" And the book that you had stashed in your fluffy coat finally sees the light of the bookstore when you pull it off. 

It isn't about the money. 

Your boyfriend sighs under his breath. "Bunny, you chose the three we will buy today yourself. When you finish them, we will come back here and get that one for you" he half nods in the direction of the book. 

It is about discipline and order. 

"But I want it NOW!" Pedri nods as if understandingly. 

"Okay, so here is what's going to happen" folding the arm so he can hold the three books you had chosen for this haul up to you, he speaks in an unimpressed tone. "You are either going to put it down and be grateful for these three" he held his free hand out to you. "Or we will go home with nothing but a sorry brat" and suddenly, you're in a dilemma. 

He seriously didn't! 

"B- But…" You are conflicted.

"Five seconds, bunny" his eyes find the huge wall clock. 

You panic at first but then your eyebrows furrow again when you gaze at the book again. Your nose flares and you square your jaw, ready to stand your ground. 

But then…

Pedri lets out a sigh and nods to him, turning to put the books away. "Alright" your legs move faster than your mind and you nearly toss the book you're holding who knows where. 

"I am here, okay, I am here!" You clutch the hand he had held out for you desperately, whimpering and whining as you push your body into his. 

The look he gives you is enough to make your cheeks flush as you duck your head to nuzzle your face in his shoulder, muttering out apologies.

"What do we say when we act like an ungrateful brat?" You pout as you toy with the collar of his coat. 

"S- Sorry…" You are a stranger to your prior volume. 

"Sorry, what?" Before he pulls you away and makes you whine. "Say it properly" he keeps you still and unbudging by a hold on your forearm, nonchalant to your grabby hands.

You're forced to lower your head at the end and whimper out an, "I am s- sorry, Daddy…" He keeps you there to let you bask in your littleness for a good few moments before he releases you and makes his way to the counter. 

You follow closely behind, a bunch of his coat crumpled up in the fist you hold it with. As Pedri takes care of the payment and packing up of your shopping, you stare at your feet and wait for him. When he's done and you're exiting the store, you want to hold your new possessions but he hovers them above your eager hands. 

You need a maintenance session it seems. Since you keep forgetting all of your manners lately. 

"Oh!" You gasp when you realize your mistake. "Thank you, Daddy" and you have to kiss his cheek to express your gratitude, of course. 

Pedri hums in satisfaction as he finally lets you hold them, fishing out his car keys and unlocking the luxurious car with a beep. 

"Since you have lost ice cream privileges, we will go home now" your bottom lip juts out. "And how you behave in the next few moments…" A gasp leaves you when he reaches for your nape and uses it to push you closer to him and the car. "Will determine whether that pretty little butt will be blushing before the night ends or not."

MASTERLIST 

.

I've nothing to say except that I wish a speedy recovery to my Barca bofi <3

✨3/11/23✨

things i did for school today

- we went to the national technical museum to learn more about cars and history of technology and it was AMAZING!!! there were so many great looking things in which i found inspiration and amazement at how they may have been perceived back in the day. i will definitely have to go there again to simply sit and draw all these amazing cars and planes!!!

- that’s all lol

selfcare moments

- i slept in and woke up at 10am (which was exactly what i needed)

- having an amazing lunch with my friends and then getting h|gh with them before going to the museum

- picking up a nice comfortable outfit and doing my make up - i felt sooooo pretty today and i think my spark/confidence is slowly coming back

- getting a pancake for dinner with my bf <3

what i’m grateful for

- my friends

- good food

- being comfortable and warm

- having the opportunity to gather knowledge in any form, from any age and any country

- my boyfriend

- sleep

tasks i’d like to do tomorrow

- study physics alone and then study it with my friend in the library

- clean my room

- go and see my other friend

- relax a bit

how i felt today

it was such an amazing daaaaayyyy. at first i didn’t feel like going to the museum but now i am glad i went! we had an amazing time, we talked and laughed about the things there. honestly i’m pretty happy about how today went even tho i wasn’t technically productive at all. i think i really needed this break and a good laugh to not lose my mind. and now i am all refreshed and ready to take on the tasks of tomorrow! remember to take breaks and relax too!

🎧the silver cord - gojira

✍🏻 if you crush a cockroach, you’re a hero. if you crush a beautiful butterfly, you’re a villain. morals have aesthetic criteria. (probably my favourite quote by Nietzsche of all time)

peace and love!!!!!

x

hi hi bb! how are you?

i’m so glad that you don’t mind my shinee commentary bc i also don’t know any shawols(or stays tbh, this is how i get my kpop fix)😭 onew is suchhhh a humble king, literally can’t believe that he got fanmail so soon as if he isn’t in one of the most successful kpop group ever. the first time i heard about shinee was in like 2010 or 2011 (which was very soon for PR tbh, aquí lo que había en ese momento era just reggaeton). and i was so baffled at the fact that nobody liked kpop here. so yeah onew, you’re the real deal!! i’m so happy that he’s getting the love he deserves💜and i can’t wait to see his comeback! i’m so excited! and the antique shop matching necklaces from Monterey☹️ that is so cute!! (idk if you already went but have fun!! and if you did, i hope you had fun!! Monterey sounds so nice!). i bet that he’ll be so grateful with your super care package! pls let me know what you send him!!!

i got my second iced coffee of the week💁🏻‍♀️ and a macadamia cookie, i was working on this very tedious assignment most of the day yesterday and after i finished i was like “treat yourself”. i’ve really been eating super terribly lately and i hate myself for it😭

your pc of the day!!! your bag!!! your chan sweater!! that’s soooo pretty! i love how they all match too! i forgot to get my pc of the day yesterday too. (i was at my bfs house and his little cousin/nephews were there and the younger one who’s 5 just comes up to me and asks “who’s this?” and i was like “lee know” and he’s just like “why do you have that there?” and i was like “good question bro, idek, it’s just fulfilling”.

i love you so much angel🫶🏻 i hope your weekend is going so great and you have time to relax as well!!

-🐈‍⬛

HI BABYYYYY I MISSED YOUUUUUU 🫶🫶🫶🫶

Can you BELIEVE how active Onew’s been this week and his company already arranged his first FANMEET??????? SCREAMINGGGGGGG I am beyond jealous of anyone who gets to go frfr ☹️ manifesting Shinee stuff in the US sooooo hard I literally have to see them before I die. Or I will simply die 😔 I’m still on the hunt for cute necklaces or keychains for us or something, but I DID get him the cutest little glass whale charm bc In the Whale is my favorite kpop song of allllll time and I’m so excited to mail it to him so that we have matching ones 😭 I LOOOOVE ONEW IM GOING INSANEEEE AHHHH I’ll keep you posted on the jewelry we get tho !!!!

I think the only thing that kept me going this whole week was the iced coffee trips tbh 🤕 it was such a WEEEEK……. But I’m so glad it’s finally Friday 👼 we’re having a streaming party for Ateez’s Coachella set tonight so we ordered so much food and baked cookies and dragged our Ateez pcs around everywhere like all week I am sooo excited !! Still so bummed I couldn’t see them at Coachella but I’m so proud of how far they’ve come and the setlist looks INSANEEE ahhhh Hongjoong my beloved 🫶

Pc pics just for you from today’s coffee run ofcccc 💖🫶 I love you sweet angel I hope you had the best week!!!!!!!!!!! Sending all my love as alwayssss (also your answer to your nephew is SO valid LMAOOOO Lee Know is indeed v fulfilling ‼️‼️)

It’s Sunday, yea?

1. Busy day yesterday with an early drive northwest to my friend’s father’s funeral, where the priest called him by another man’s name for most of the service. The plodding pace of sit, stand, kneel of the Catholic service sent me reeling back to my childhood. I remember being grateful when my family changed from a Roman Catholic Church to the one on campus that was less formal and I also remember how even there I rejected much of what I heard. I sat and stood there yesterday (I did not kneel) feeling like an alien interloper but grateful to be able to support my friends. I was one of 3 people wearing a mask and I sat in the back row by the open door. Lort the coughing coming from the full church was unholy. Fingers crossed the mask did the job.

2. Nothing prepares you for middle age and the precipice you teeter on trying not to slide into oblivion.

3. Visited with a good friend and her new mate last night for a few hours. So good to connect and remind each other of how far we have come since we first met 12 years ago. Her bf is a painter and gave me some pointers for how to approach my first acrylic self portrait. I’m excited to try.

4. I slept in and am on the couch in the quiet listening to the light rain and sipping my coffee. Read a chapter of the book Wintering by Katherine May and felt the urge to do a post. Will return to the book for a little longer after this while the house is still quiet.

5. There’s a chicken carcass in the instant pot becoming stock for something tonight. Perhaps the ginger chicken noodle soup I’ve been fantasizing about. Or perhaps a spicy white chili.

6. I need to do a few hours of work today and also grocery shop and do some basement clean out so I can move all the boxes of books out of the back of my car. Yeah, I know… they’ve been there for weeks. I’m struggling with getting certain kinds of things done around here.

7. I am ready for this year to be the year that I get to enjoy my own sexuality. It’s been six years since I have felt connected to that part of myself in a meaningful and fulfilling way. And that six years ago was only partially so… truly it’s been nine years since I felt truly turned on and tuned in for an extended period of time. Since I’ve looked in the mirror and seen my sensual self reflected there without having to talk myself into seeing her there.

8. Hey, a bonus… truth be told, I’m afraid that might not exist in me anymore. I’m aware that the fear is attached to the yoke of alcohol around my neck. But I remind myself that what I experienced all those years ago happened sober. Was the only time I’ve felt so richly in the deep water flow of my own being while connecting with another person in my entire life and I did not imbibe of anything but that energy. It’s just that the years that followed involved so much rye whiskey haze and these last two years sober the few times I tried to date… well… not great, Bob.

9. The extra bonus is that I’ve become quite satisfied with my life alone and am noodling around ideas for the next few years that might include solo travel and working truly remote for periods of time. Get to know some other places. Meet some new people. It will be good for me to crack open the habitual.

10. Hey, there’s more! I rebooted therapy last week after a four-year hiatus with a new practitioner. She’s much younger than me, which didn’t come across in her profile and my initial reaction when I met her was hesitation. She asked excellent questions and her areas of expertise include women in transition phases and addiction. I’ll give it a chance and am encouraging myself to remain open to different perspectives.

These are my more than seven Sunday thoughts. I hope your day is restful or productive or both if that’s what you need.

Journaling our 🍵 life tea 🍵

Today in a nutshell 🥜

I really liked today. I stayed in the room for some study with my bf, and we did pretty well not gonna lie. Then I mealprepped, was a bit too hot and didn't feel great for some moments, but everything was fine. Later I got to do yoga and it was very good and energising. Then I went to the quiz and had lots of fun with friends! I truly enjoyed the night and stayed a bit longer with my friends. Before going to sleep I had a nice conversation with my partner. All went well. Even if my assessments are coming for me... Haha

Things we feel grateful for 🐦

I am grateful for moments like these with friends.

Positive affirmations and self-love 💖

I am not a burden. People don't hate me randomly. I am perfectly fine as I am.

Things we hope and look forward to ☘️

I hope tomorrow I can get lots of things done.

Date: 07/10/2023

Turkey day

We eat.

And this year it is being held on Wednesday for our little family. This the brother decided once I got home from the hospital.

He has forgone inviting the elder as she works, and will likely celebrate with her new bf and his daughter, has invited several coworkers and the wife and hubs. Wife has to work tho so she invited me to her place for Friday but I don't think I will make it as hobbling to the bathroom and kitchen is a pain for me rn.

He has bought the main ingredients and will be doing the cooking as I am unable to move around freely. Lol I really didn't expect him to be Gung ho about it as he has been working overtime to make sure he can cover the bills and pay for presents. I had expected to send him and the Lil sister off to the families houses without me this year and idk I was just ready to miss out this year.

Why does he do these things?

Anyway, I have done worn myself out cleaning up the dishes and kitchen counter. The little sister did some grocery shopping (I gave her money and a list of items he missed) and she is going to do cleaning today. I reminded them trash gets picked up today and they boogied to get it out and to the curb.

I'm a little tired, but grateful for my idiot siblings.

30 Reasons Why I'm Childfree: #2

Props to anyone still following this countdown, for it's my last full day with the tubes. I'll be watching a pretty sunset with them one last time.

Anyways,

FUCK THE LIFESCRIPT!

That outdated AF Lifescript that adults must, among other things, marry the love of their lives and pop out 2.5 kids (by the way, the fuck does 2.5 kids mean? How the fuck do you get half of a human being?!) before turning 30 or whatever is somehow still accepted and carried out without question by plenty of people out there. It's more pathetic when you see some following that Lifescript and the characters involve a young, gullible woman who got raped by her manipulative boyfriend, then he marries her to "clean up his image" but is just doing so because she's now carrying his kid and she can't get an abortion because they're in Florida, and after a long, rough labor in which she tore her clitoris and perianal pushing her kid out the baby finally arrives, and months later the couple is struggling because the baby is already costing them a lot and not just financially. Oh, and the husband is cheating on his wife with a barely legal hooker...and he also knocks her up.

(I can go on with this, by the way.)

Hear me out, people: you don't have to follow the Lifescript to be successful in life. I sure as shit didn't. Never married, will never have kids, got my own place, and a pretty good job that pays nicely. It was tough getting to where I am today, and it's still tough maintaining where I am. But I know how my life would be if I followed that Lifescript and I would NOT be happy with it.

Years ago, I had a former BF who had thoughts about living life with me and wanting me to be the "mother of his children". (When he said those words, by the way, I was all "slow down, dude" since I wasn't ready to have kids then.) I was in my early 20s at the time, and, to this day, I'm quite grateful to know what I wanted from a man then, because this BF did not fulfill me at all. Nah, he was a man-child, a total wuss and not in a good way, and oh lordt he was lousy in the sack. I gotta say, I wouldn't have this blog if I had no standards then!

"Because it's what you're supposed to do!" devout followers of the Lifescript would say to us Childfree folk. Um, no. You're supposed to breathe. You're supposed to have some water when you're thirsty. You're supposed to brake when there are pedestrians crossing in front of you. But have kids?! That's a choice, not a have-to. Tell that to those who are unable to have kids.

Besides, just like pissing off pro-baby misogynists, it's more fun going against the Lifescript and living life on your own terms.

Late Night Thoughts on NPD Parents

After embarking on my self healing journey, I have found that both of my parents appear to have NPD. It's a wonder that they stayed together as long as they did with how much they love to be the center of attention. Albeit my father seems to have traditional NPD and my mom covert NPD. I came to grips that my father has it easier than I did with my mother. However, today after yet another misunderstanding turned into a fight where I get called defensive for trying to explain my side, begging to be heard by someone, who as my bf so pointily put it: can't see beyond her nose in her own righteousness, I'm thinking this is my reality. There's more to this, of course. This is in the wake of little under a month of becoming estranged from my father due to his abuse becoming physical. I am taking the proper steps to ensure the abuse stops here. My mom was here for me though this, all of which I am grateful for. However, no good deed goes unpunished with her. She has a history of throwing it back at me later anything she does to help me. Expecting me to pay up as if each accordance of love is a transaction to be collected and used against me at a later use. Each instance that fights have happened, which is often as of late, my parents have told me, in one way or another that they are sorry, thinking it solves the problem. Never acknowledging anything they did, it's never sincere either. There is no integrity for them. No authenticity. Never following though on what they say their going to do. Constantly keeping me on with empty promises to do better. As they say, the best apology is changed behavior. As I sit and think of it, my mother gets mad at me for all off the thigs she does. The same with my father. I learned it all from them. I am just their little mirror. Though recently, in their own way they have told me that they don't like who I have become because it is no longer the daughter they want me to be. But I am who I want to be, finally. I am proud of myself, as they should be. But all they see is flaws. I've never been good enough for them and their appearance, simply, I will stop being their daughter until, if ever possible, they can do the inner work, facing their demons and healing to be better. I believe that is in all of us and that we are all capable. May be naïve of me to say and believe but were all unconscious until we aren't and operate from a place of separation and fear appearing as anger until we have healed and operating from love. Unless that was always the norm as a child. Though studies are beginning to show, I may be misquoting, but this is where things like hereditary diseases come in as well as neurobiological developmental disorders like ADHD and Autism. Generational trauma if you will. The cycle stops with me. Things that I have struggled with for the majority of my life, stealing so much time and enjoyment from a fulfilling life. I allowed for them to take those things from me for such a long time. I've now decided to choose something different for me and my current relationships and potential children/relationships. Though, I feel at such a loss of what to do. This seems to be something that I have tried to hold out hope for another outcome but realize that it may never happen. I am at a point where peace of mind and being content in my own life with my own relationships and dynamics that are healthy for me are of priority. Both parents never know how to accept that they could be at fault for something and I grew up often believing that the emotions and moods of ADULTS were mine, a child's, responsibility to fix. Not that they too are their own person's who are capable of choosing to stay stuck in their ways or of change. I have seen, too many a time of the former rather than the later. The latter I want, so I can have a healthy and happy relationship with them, as their adult daughter. I am still treated most times like a child, even though I am nearly 30 and have been living independently caring for myself for nearly 10 years at this point, even longer emotionally and socially. I'm not even sure on where to start to process through all of this. I guess mostly, I want some advice on how to move through this, heal from this, what my next steps could be, what's on the other side of healing from these wounds?

; Thank You, Mr Kecemalangan

Today started off rough. Sahar threw her pink ball out of the window because she wanted to "Try only" and I gotten so mad and upset for her doing that. She knew very well that she was not supposed to do such thing and she came out of the room smiling at me as though she did nothing wrong. 30 minutes later, Lekieh called to share with me that one of our schoolmate/classmate has passed. For privacy purposes, I shall not mention his name.

I was definitely shocked by the news and I could barely focus at work. He was my secondary classmate for the entire 4years while we were there.

He was absolutely mischievous, 'annoying', chatty and nice to be around. He is potentially the class clown, always attempting to make everyone around him laugh. He is always making the best of the worst days of our secondary school life. Although I have not seen or met him for a very long time, he is somehow always remembered. Out of sight, not out of mind.

Every accident I see, I will always remember he said "Kecer-malangan" (kecemasan + kemalangan) during a Malay oral 'training' thingy.

Although we have been in the same class since Sec 1, I barely exchange any words with him. One fine day, when we were in Sec 2, some random normal academic guy (who was in same class as my ex-bf back then) walked past our class and slammed the door. I stared out of the class while everyone in my class looked at me. My Late Classmate stood up, walked over to my desk ask me, "Herda, are you ok? What happened?". I responded that I was fine. At that point of time, at that very second, I knew I could rely on him if I wanted or needed to. I am forever grateful and touched that he came over to check on me.

Only about a couple of weeks later that I found out my ex-bf and my Late Classmate were childhood friends. I wasn't sure what he would say or do if I had told him I wasn't fine, but I had the feeling that he was definitely reliable if ever I needed help. It was a side of him I had never seen for the two years that I have had known him.

Till then, thank you for the fond memories and laughter. Rest in peace now.

I am very alive lately. Ketamine therapy did a lot for me. I am happy. I also feel capable of things like love and trust and connection for the first time in a long time. My bf really helped to pull me out of my rut, also I love our love and our past even if it's complicated and we hold each other and cry after we read notes we gave each other as friends and not as friends and something inbetween haha. here are a few of my favorite sections from stuff that's 10-7 months old now

I am just so grateful for every day that passes by. Maybe theres something in the november air :) it makes me ponderous like rn where i can't sleep so I decide to write a little diary entry on my little tumblr blog which I do occasionally. Last fall i was doing badly and I felt so dead inside for so long I forgot what feelings of core human happiness even rlly felt like. This year has been so healing for me, i feel like I found an identity as well as feelings of belonging, togetherness, genuine love I dont know if i have ever felt in my entire life which is def in part bc of working thru a lot of my shit on psychadelics but also my loved ones are so very kind to me and I am very lucky. I have become a spiritual person which i never thought would happen ever lmfao but it's the right people and mindset and I'm just glad to be here

here is a little drawing I did today in class only 20 people came and the lecture hall was so empty. I didnt realize that thanksgiving break started tuesday because I was out for my surgery so Im preeettyy got darn happy about that. Also my grades r really good I feel good about that. Bless this world and bless my growth.

Today is Saturday, March 18th, 2023. I slept amaaaazing last night. It was a dinner n movie kinda night with the BF <3

I think I am going to come here to let out my thoughts. I need to do it somewhere and what better place to do it am I right :-)

Today I feel grateful I am alive and healthy. I try to start out my days like this. Thinking of all the things that keep me going and how far I’ve come even if no one else sees it or notices. For some reason I’ve always felt like I needed validation from others for this. I wasn’t the best person in my early 20’s and I did a lot of things that I’ve been reflecting on a lot more lately. I’m not one to avoid things that I’ve done and people I’ve hurt, I tend to sulk in the past of what could’ve/would’ve/should’ve been. But there is just someone on my mind lately that no matter what I do I can’t get them outtttt. I wonder if it’s because I want them to see how good I am doing and how much better of a person I’m becoming. A lot of who I am, whether I like it or not, is because of this person, the good and bad. They put up with the most shit time and time again and I can’t help but feel like I need to speak with them (we haven’t spoken in years) and just let all this out so I can move on for good. I miss them. Not in a romantic way, in the you were my bestest friend kind of way. And I fucked it up. It was too late to take everything I’d already done back. And this isn’t to say that the person was perfect the whole time either but they weren’t treated right by me towards the end. And it’s taken years for me to look at myself in the mirror and say that. It’s time for me to let go, it’s BEEN time. I’m in the best position I’ve ever been in my entire life and it’s time for me to stop living in the past. It’s over. It’s done. Cheers for what’s to come 🤍

With love, Ocella

I’m free now. I don’t fear for my life in my apartment. I go to the bathroom without thinking some is watching me. I sleep in my bed next to my bf feeling safe and warm nothing can hurt me here. 

I made it. I have money to buy my own things and a car to go wherever I want whenever I want. I am grateful so very grateful to have survived and for the ability to heal in a place far away from my childhood home. 

It’s lighter now but inside its still blood red. I wait to hear screams I wait to be hit I wait to be touched but it never comes. My body is starting to realize it can relax. Even if today was tiring I come home and Its peaceful and today I cry because I did it I survived and I thank the universe for getting me here for hearing my prayers. Everything I hoped for has happened. I wonder if anyone else is proud of me but looking for recognition is something I’m trying to stop. I know I did it and that should be enough. 

I know that I write and am a writer and that should be enough. I know that I’m an actress and that should be enough. I am who I want to be and if no one sees it maybe its okay because I see it. I’ve been with me my entire life so maybe its just enough that I have seen who I become.