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radioluminescentoblivion · 2 months

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Hazbin Hotel: The Corruption of Creativity. Part 2

1. Continued Discussion (Also Spoilers)

I wanted to continue talking about the problems with the show in part 1, but since this crossed the line between the art and the artist in terms of discussing two different subject matters, it made it rather difficult to try and divide it up. So this goes off from the additional notes I made for the show and transitions into the problems I have outside of it from behind the scenes. This post will go into more about Vivziepop, the community, and her controversies and how this impacts not only the show but her bottom line as well.

BE WARNED, this will include some serious topics like Sexual Assault, Harassment, Death Threats, Misconduct, and Suicide. Read at your own caution…

2. Angel and Valentino: A tone-deaf understanding of the source material

I left this part out of the first post because this would be the point where I transitioned into the issues that led me out of the show onto reality. But I’ll still talk about this segment in Episode 4: Masquerade to provide context. In the episode, Vaggie persuades Charlie to be more commanding around the hotel to get things done or in Charlie’s words “aggressively kind” about her being the boss of the hotel, she marches up to Valentino’s studio where Angel Dust is having a sex scene filmed and he gets worried and wants her to leave but she doesn’t listen. She comes across Valentino who has a no-more subtle approach to Charlie’s presence. Valentino resumes the film but Charlie gets in the way and mayhem ensues: this enrages Valentino and prompts him to put out the fire that Charlie caused, leading to an uncomfortable scene where Angel Dust gets abused in his dressing room as Val berates him and reminds him who he belongs to. Afterward, Charlie gets upset and is about to go off on Valentino but Angel Dust intervenes and yells at Charlie to leave. This then transitions to the infamous song “Poison” by Blake Roman. The next scene continues with Angel Dust crashing on Husk’s bar table demanding some hard alcohol to numb the pain.

When I first watched this scene I could feel the raw potential of how this went out, how despite the show’s pacing still had a slow-burning impact on the viewer to appropriately leave a bad taste in their mouth (no pun intended). You can see and feel the devastating impact laid down on Angel Dust by his abusive boss and with the additional context from the music video Addict where he has his soul sold to Valentino where he gets sexually assaulted and abused, it only makes it more depressing. Angel Dust’s relationship is a horrifying reality that many people in the sex industry face every day which makes it all the worse for marginalized people such as POC, women, LGBTQIA, and all of the above. Sure it’s not the best depiction of an abusive relationship I’ve seen in media, but it does drive the point home, it also makes it more reassuring to see Angel Dust open up his feelings towards Husk, expressing empathy to each other more and even have a song about it with “Loser Baby”. This draws them closer than before and results in Charlie apologizing for her slip-ups with Angel forgiving her.

Episode 4 is a bittersweet example of when the show goes into a direction differing from the main plot that focuses on the side characters in a way that matters most and builds up on who they are as people and how they might one day be redeemed from being sinners. On its own, the episode is a good case of how the show can work with its stories to display the varied life of Vivziepop’s vision of hell. However, the perspective of the narrative becomes very contradictory when it goes outside the story.

On December 9th, 2023, a Twitter user and creator known as UninformedArtist posted screenshots from a deleted user account of a storyboard lead from Helluva Boss/storyboard artist from Hazbin Hotel, R2ninjaturtle or Raphielle. R2 has made art centered mostly around Angel Dust and Valentino, sometimes Vox (The TV-headed demon) in non-consenting scenarios and other explicit interactions. And with Vivziepop engaging with R2’s post featuring Vale and Angel in these situations with a lighthearted giggityness to it, creates a huge form of whiplash.

Now normally if this was an artist outside the Spindle Horse team, I wouldn’t mind this too much and just take this as someone expressing their taboo kinks—that happens a lot. However…this is coming from someone who works on a show that features an abusive sexual relationship that is supposed to be taken seriously. And yet, you have an artist who works on this show who has a kink for sexual assault and abuse and the creator of the show who hired this person is getting all cutesy about it. Are y’all starting to see the red flags here?

If this was a show that didn’t take itself seriously and wanted to make some edgy humor similar to how Sir Pentious got railed by everybody in the nightclub in episode 6 (which also doesn’t help Viv’s case since these things are supposed to be taken seriously.) But that isn’t the case, it wants to have its cake and eat it too. You want to make this show highlight the dark side of the sex industry, Yet you also make a light joke about rape in the show while having someone who gets turned on by that to work on that same show. This also demolishes the message of the abuse even further when you have R2 and Vivziepop herself getting excited over “Angest” Pins of Angel Dust and Husk being chained to their masters.

If this still doesn’t seem like a conflict of interest to you for trying to convey the point about sexual assault, abuse, etc. Imagine if I made a story about genocide: I display the horrifying realities of how a marginalized group of people being oppressed by the ruling majority class try everything in their power to kill, erase, displace, and steal from the people they hate so much and want to destroy to the very roots that no one will ever forget in gruesome detail, everyone from friends, family, and enemies are being systemically wiped out by these fascist’s monstrously distorted pursuit of glory.

Imagine me making all that…but, ✨WE HAVE A NEW MERCH DROP✨ Now you too can get your starving mother holding her dead child in her arms grieving, not only that, I also meme and get excited about someone’s art depicting those same people getting persecuted and ethnically cleansed for sexual gratification, YAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!11

Do you see how fucked up this is now?

But that’s not even the worst part about it. As more people started to show disgust and concern over this stuff, one of whom was a minor (I won’t say their name for their security you can read the thread yourself) this resulted in R2 saying some pretty fucked up stuff to this minor, using vulgar language directed towards this individual, not even doing the bare minimum of checking the person’s account to see if it was a younger person or not. It still wouldn’t excuse the behavior regardless of age, but this makes it all the worse.

Now I will give credit where credit is due (which ain’t a lot here) R2 did apologize for their comments made, but it was more of a backhanded response, and when a user pointed out the flaws in this comment, they simply responded: “Stay Mad”. On top of having to victim-blame a minor for being uncomfortable seeing this imagery, Vivziepop herself also chimed in with the victim-blaming, claiming how R2 was “joking” and that “You can’t always know the age of a random Twitter account you’re clowning on”. Even though they had their age on their Twitter account which is wild to me. She also goes on to say they don’t have a lot of influence on the show and that they’re harmless.

I’m not here to tell viv that R2 should be fired, I don’t think they’re a danger either, and it probably would’ve helped to just block R2 and move on from such gruesome imagery. That being said, that doesn’t excuse someone for sexually harassing a minor or for the creator of a show to double down on it. I hope R2 and Viv can learn from this experience and try to do better.

I want to be clear here I’m not trying to “cancel” people for having different tastes regardless of how people view it on a personal moral ground. I’m not saying Viv has to fire someone because they think this way, I’m not even saying that you can’t have any moments of nuance about a difficult situation in your own way and cope with it, that’s fine, that’s healthy. What isn’t healthy is sexually harassing people online and begrudgingly victim-blame a minor for coming across this shit. And it doesn’t make your work look genuine when you have someone who works on the storyboards of your show who gets off on the very thing you’re trying to take seriously. At that point, you’re not trying to make a serious story, you’re making a rape fantasy for someone. This wouldn’t be that big of a deal if this was supposed to be taken at heart as a real issue.

If this was just this related incident that was the biggest controversy for Vivziepop, I wouldn’t bat too many eyes. But unfortunately, you’ve read the title, you’ve read the warnings, so you know this isn’t where it ends.

3. SpindleHorse Workplace Misconduct

It’s not any news that allegations of misconduct at SpindleHorse Studios have been buzzing around since Helluva Boss was made into a YouTube series. These allegations have been met with both skepticism as well as a concern as to how things were going behind closed doors at SpindleHorse, but these allegations would grow and become more of a problem when animators who worked on Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel spoke out about it, giving their experiences about workplace culture, low wage pay, and fears of speaking out on these issues because of retaliation from Viv, her team or the rabid fanbase. Some of the employees and contractors even spoke out anonymously for fear of getting blacklisted and targeted by the community. That being said, it wasn’t always a nightmare for some people who worked at the studio, and some that worked there have mentioned it being a pleasant experience, but I’ll get to that later. All these things plus more are mentioned in a passionfruit article that I’ll link below for a further read. It’s pretty damning.

But I’ll mention some of the keynotes that are worth mentioning:

Low Pay Wages on Clean-Up Animation

Users like Chai posted on January 5th, 2024 on Twitter how clean-up artists are offered a low pay of 35$ a second of rough animation. Not literal seconds mind you, but $35 a completed animation per second, that’s $1.45 for every 24 frames. For reference, according to ZipRecruiter: The average pay for a work-at-home animation clean-up artist is lower than this with a rate of $29 an hour nationwide

https://www.ziprecruiter.com/Salaries/Work-From-Home-Animation-Clean-Up-Artist-Salary#Hourly

(this isn’t an exact figure to go by for all clean-up artists nor do I know all the financial ins and outs of animation, so I may be wrong on some math here.) It's not as bad, but it's still low. One freelance animator mentioned that when Helluva Boss was on pause for Hazbin’s production, they had no choice to find another source of income so they had to deal with the low pay and stressful job that ultimately wasn’t even worth it in the end after finishing Hazbin Hotel. While this is nothing new in the animation industry (especially one where it's the most thankless and underpaid job), the wages can vary depending on the project, location, industry, etc it just goes to show that this is a recurring practice within the industry that really needs to change. Be it for animators or artists alike. It’s one thing to make a passion project with your closest friends and partners or people who need an extra buck and aren’t suffering, it’s another to offer up underpaid jobs with slave labor wages and then suddenly make it seem as if desperate people have a “choice” to work or not it's no more unacceptable than those who defend such practices.

“The job was voluntary, nobody was being forced into taking less money”

This is a sentiment that is brought up a lot by Neylan in the article. I’m well aware that Neylan said they had a fixed budget and had to lock the budget to adapt rates for things to work out. Now I could understand this being something for newbies getting into work for the animation industry for a first-time experience, but to make it seem like this was a part-time job to work at is baffling to me, especially for something seen as a passion project, which to me, is a code word for work for me for free/less money. Not to mention, the notion of “no one is forcing you” is one that is echoed frequently in other abusive industries like the video game industry (despite these people having no other choice to find another job to survive.)

No Human Resources

As of now, SpindleHorse has no Human Resources or dedicated HR person aside from Neyland himself who performs such tasks as coordinating and firing freelancers and works as the production supervisor at the company. Though he mentions that something they’re hoping to fix in the future. I guess it remains to be seen.

Fear of speaking out

It's not a surprise that people become weary when speaking out about their experiences in or out of SpindleHorse. Freelance artists such as Erin Frost wrote in a tweet thread before getting deleted about her experiences at SpindleHorse and her frustrations with people not believing her when being open about the unstable and abusive environment working with Viv and how she got a note sent by one of her lawyers as a scare tactic.

https://ben-the-hyena.tumblr.com/post/699242311996047360

Artists Ken Cook and Nicholas Jordan also spoke out about the bombardment of harassment from fans. With Ken, making a whole pdf on their circumstances of crediting their work and ideas.

https://www.docdroid.net/zyvFyCb/kens-experience-pdf

The pdf also gives some transparent insight into Vivziepop’s workflow in conceptualizing and executing stories. As well as some horrible accusations against Ken such as grooming and trying to steal viv’s IP of Hazbin Hotel despite clearly stating that wasn’t their intention, on top of gaslighting and bigotry such as transphobia and acephobia.

I could go on about Vivziepop’s history of manipulative and toxic behavior toward friends and peers, but for the sake of relevance, I wanted to keep it mostly tied around 2018-2024. When viv isn’t directing her venomous ire towards her colleagues that she doesn’t like or agree with, she directs it towards those outside her work/friendspace.

Kedikatzen is an artist who made a webcomic back in the days of old that is now discontinued. Judging from the discussion, I’ll assume it was around anywhere from 2014-2018, but I’m not sure, Kedi/Katt was not only bullied by viv herself but got harassed by her zealous fans. All Kedi wanted was an apology but never received one, forcing her to delete her personal accounts and avoid the internet for a while before coming back in hopes of starting over, until she heard news of other people speaking out and wanted to also chime back in just to prove this wasn’t an isolated incident. In 2020, Viv was making big accusations of stalking, harm, and threatening to use lawyers against Katt (noticing a pattern?) All while acting like the victim here when she clearly wasn’t.

She also explains how Viv went to a con in Georgia at one point and met up with April, a person she had beef with in the past, and when April wanted to clear things up with no hard feelings, resulting in viv to tweet about April “stalking” her which in turn made her rabid fans send death threats to her which she deleted and then made an apology about.

But even when it’s not towards other creators, she’s also had a history of being very defensive towards her critics, often deflecting legit critiques, getting salty about criticism as a concept or critics as people, getting defensive about people just having slight gripes, etc.

As someone who is a critic myself (I mean you are reading this) it's not surprising that you will come across bad critiques of things and that people will either be trolls or just assholes, but for those that have genuine criticism, viv tends to lump them all together despite saying she thinks the criticism is important for growth when it's obvious that isn’t exactly what she wants. I’ve sent tweets to her at one point calling out these bad takes on criticism, but that was ages ago and unfortunately, I don’t have those tweets on me—sorry y’all.

And now we get to our final and easily one of the most depressing segments of this post, which is the dark side of fandoms and the damage they can cause.

4. Fanaticism

It goes without saying that the community for vivziepop has garnered some of the most abysmal, delusional, toxic, and manipulative fan base since Steven Universe if not worse. I’ve seen a lot of shitty people in fandoms, but this takes the cake of it being up there with the greats such as: MLP, FNAF, Steven Universe, etc. It’s quite amazing how such a community is so dedicated in all the best and worst ways.

But all jokes aside, the vivziepop community has had a long radioactive history of having the most deranged of fans sick themselves to those they deem less than worthy of respect or decency. So much so that some will even dehumanize others be it in or outside the fandom, and lose their shit over the most trivial of inconsistencies. Obviously, this isn’t supposed to be a sweeping generalization of everyone, just a focus on those who have lost their cool.

This makes situations all the worse when the leader herself has something unflattering to say to someone she doesn’t like. Viv is known to both intentionally and unintentionally enable her fans to attack people, innocent or not. Now that’s not to say Vivziepop herself is all to blame here, nor does that mean she hasn’t made any… “attempts” to apologize, but it was more just playing the victim card and slapping some backhanded response on it.

Though this is older she might’ve made more “apologies” over time, so if someone has a more recent example of this, please let me know.

However, this leads us to the most crucial part of this post which is the story of Shay and how they took their life.

The document opens with an introduction from a person named Liv who explains the story of how Shay was a young queer neurodivergent fan who got to be part of the community around the days of the Hazbin Hotel pilot, Livestreams, and Huniecast, Shay was a massive fan of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss that she would collect an abundance of merchandise in support of the show, holding Vivziepop to high praise as a creator. They would also share and like posts from social media to further spread their infatuation with the media.

Those involved in the screenshots were part of a fan discord server dedicated to HH and HB and shared their love for specific ships like RadioDusk (Alastor and Angel Dust), this ship would be widespread in the server at the time until around the middle of 2023, with new members who had a focus on the HuskerDust ship (Husk and Angel Dust). This new inclusion of members began fueling flames with their support for their ship, creating a resentful environment towards RadioDust fans, this fueled the flames of what would be a digital turf war between ships in the server and the internet at large on different social media sites all from the same community, some bouts of which have been around for quite some time and continue to this day.

On December 12th, 2023, Shay showed gratitude for an administrator stepping in to stop the barrage of harassment by HuskerDust fans over Shay’s comments on the ship made them uneasy due to the age gap and coerciveness of it. Shay felt that their moments of joy in the community just wasn’t there like the good old days with Ashley, Michael, and Ed, but now it's just resorted to ship wars, with Vivziepop herself partaking in these petty engagements and enabling the toxic mentality of the HuskerDust shippers. But despite all this, they continue to support viv and hold her in high esteem.

Later in the year, Shay would pay for the ultimate package that was available at the time for early access to Hazbin Hotel ($80 no shipping) to show their support for the show and new cast but felt iffed by the growing pain that would be the HuskerDust shippers on Twitter, this was also between the time of the teaser’s release and trailer’s. As these HuskerDust shippers grew more zealous towards those who had different ship preferences like Shay, it made them step away from their position of being a RadioDust shipper in turn for something more middle ground in not wanting any ship to be on top of another.

On December 11th, 2023, the conversation between Shay came back again expressing more disheartening feelings about the state of the fandom how they don’t belong anywhere, and how further in the conversation after some downtime, Shay feels out of place and like garbage and that they feel greatly disappointed about Vivziepop’s continued enablement of this mob mentality.

This would be the same time the HuskerDust ship would be teased on Twitter and Instagram by the voice cast and animators, making an already overloaded community of rabid shippers go even crazier. Shay would continue to spiral into emotional distress. How they felt betrayed by Vivziepop for choosing one side and enabling their behavior, Shay expressed hopelessness and felt sick—this would be the last time they ever posted.

On December 13th, 2023, the Hazbin Hotel trailer dropped with praise from the community, especially with the HuskerDust fans in awe of this post, pushing the envelope further. https://twitter.com/HazbinHotel/status/1734999724397035963

Eden (the one who took the screenshots) was concerned and tried to reach out to Shay, but made no progress with Shay’s accounts being deactivated, after Shay left the server, Eden followed suit the leading day and tried to contact them, however, it proved to be impossible since they didn’t friend them and sending a message only prompted the discord bot to notify Eden that they couldn’t message Shay since they don’t share servers anymore. Eden did however get in contact with a close friend of Shay’s known as Mari, and since then Mari had ceased supporting Vivziepop’s work after the incident.

On December 14th, Mari got in contact with Shay’s sister as they expressed their worries of Shay’s attempt at suicide. Further screenshots that are mostly blurred show multiple attempts were made directed to the Hazbin Hotel team to call out such destructive behavior.

None of them received any response from the team or Vivziepop herself.

Mari and Shay’s sister would continue to keep in touch with updates on Shay’s condition until 26-27 of December, Shay died from serious gastrointestinal injuries from drinking household cleaning acid, causing her to cough up blood, and having been sent to the hospital on December 13th. The last screenshot messages include Shay’s sister and Mari in grief over the passing of not only a friend but a loved one.

Liv further explains that they were a HuskerDust shipper at one point, but now feels a deep loathing and regret at such a title, their statements close with sorrow, and urge people to be wary of such dangers a fandom can cause.

5. Conclusion

I didn’t really have plans on making this deep dive at first, especially seeing how there were a lot of moving elements to this saga, some of which were far too extensive to cover all the controversies, critiques, drama, etc. I wanted to make this as condensed and digestible as possible. Though I realize this wasn’t the best-formatted post, I guarantee this has some issues that can be fixed in the future (assuming anyone gives a shit).

The point of making this post isn’t to “cancel” Vivziepop, but rather highlight the VERY consistent pattern of egotistical behavior that she has displayed over time, how she intentionally uses manipulative tactics to gain leverage over people and weaponizes her audience against those she disapproves off. Vivienne Medrano has not changed for the better and unless she takes a little self-reflection on her actions, she never will. If her silence on someone taking their life over the consecutive harassment and death threats from HER fans doesn’t ring any bells on how she really views her audience and other people, I don’t know what will. Vivizepop has shown everyone how she has no stability in running a full studio or maintaining a healthy social presence (indie or otherwise) and how she should invest in her personal demons rather than value fictional ones over others.

If you are a fan of Vivziepop and her work or were on the fence about it before, I hope this provides some clear context as to why she “Gets non-stop hate” and that it would be wise to reconsider your loyalty or support for her at face value. I want this post to be an important message for those who still love Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, this isn’t about me being a “hater” but someone who wants you to be cautious just like I was when I first heard about these allegations.

If you’re still not convinced about what I or many, many, many others have been saying for years. Perhaps it would help if I came from a more vulnerable position? (Not the most original but whatever)

When I was first introduced to Vivziepop’s work by my sister, I instantly fell in love with her work with her Die Young fan animation. Since then, I was never the same, and as I mentioned in my last post, I got indulged in her craft and was introduced to not only her community but the furry community as well. I kept tabs on her zoophobia comic and her other works, supporting her along the way. Vivziepop’s style of art and animation greatly influenced me over time and I propped her up as a major influence in my art and I still do to this day. One of my favorite characters of hers was Clarrisa, Fabian’s daughter from Zoophobia (we never saw her in the comic doe). Clarrisa would inspire me to create a character heavily inspired by her called Clair (I’ll more than likely work around the name to not make it as obvious) she was the first character I took seriously in my pursuit of art when I otherwise wouldn’t have cared or taken it seriously before. What started as one concept for a character with a fox based on another person’s character, would spark an entire list of stories with their worlds and characters—and I had Vivziepop to look up to for that.

But knowing that this is the same person I looked up to as a source of inspiration, leaves a poisonous taste in my mouth that can never be washed off. I no longer support Vivienne now or in future unless she has shown that she is really willing to take major strides to improve herself. As it stands now, she’s left a legacy of pain conflicting with future potential with new creatives. I don’t ask for people to stop loving her work because guess what? I still love her work too in some areas, I just won’t support her anymore. (at least financially or influentially).

If you are a fan of her work, own it and keep making and loving what you do, draw fanart, make redesigns, have your ships, write fanfictions, etc. Two realities can exist: you can enjoy someone’s work, but also recognize when someone is a massive piece of shit who makes donkey dooky. (Hello Warrior Cats fans).

Shit sun, I’m still making fan art for some zoophobia characters because I still love those characters or their designs, I ain’t special!

“You know, for the longest time I thought you were cool…”

Final Thoughts:

I honestly didn’t expect this uh…rant/analysis? To be this winded, I apologize if there are segments in here that are just a mess, if y’all have any constructive feedback, that would be appreciated. Or maybe I’m just a big meanie that needs to self deletus? Idk, I highly doubt this post will get much attention. I could’ve spent all this time and energy drawing my characters kissing each other or somthin. But here I am, making a totally original post about a creator I’ll never meet. But, if you are a vivziepop fan old or new and you feel like this post has done some justice or resonated with you, then I’m glad! I know there are some really good people in the community who aren’t alone on this and feel the same way, and I understand…I think.

Anyways. I’ll just leave some sources here and give credit to the people who made these posts linked here, if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t really be in this position now to raise awareness on this controversial topic. Please support these people below, don’t harass anyone or be a massive bigot for those I critiqued or featured here, be civil for fuck sakes, and yeah. I hope y’all have a good one.

Rest in Peace Shay- 2003-2023

Sources:

#longahpost #review #critique #vivziepop #hazbin hotel #helluva boss #vivziepop criticism #vivziepop critical #vivziepop critique #hazbin hotel critique #hazbin spoilers #vivziepop fandom

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c-kiddo · 1 year

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tmn are all nd: a bunch o headcanons

(a sequel to these trans headcanons lol)

(also, warning before that this post is about neurodivergency and mental illness, so various mental illnesses will be mentioned. i dont want to single any out here, but you should probably skip this if thats something thats upsetting 2 you)

(also also, this is a infodump and not super in-depth or articulate, so sorry if i worded things wrong because i don’t mean to lol im just bad at reading things on screens so it might get jumbled. . )

beau: she’s got adhd and will hyperfocus and work All night on her theories and notes. perhaps she has audhd, has low-ish empathy and doesnt know how to regulate volume or realise her tone is usually annoyed sounding ksjnjkfs :''') also she has depression n that combined with adhd made her especially impulsive and self destructive, but she’s working on it, getting better :’) also had problems with substance abuse but the cobalt soul (dairon specifically) helped her get out of that. has cptsd because of her upbringing and abuse from her dad

fjord: he’s got adhd too, babey!!!! also he’s got tourettes and his most common tics are: clearing his throat, a small head tilt, raising his eyebrows and grinding his teeth. he's a bit (a lot) impulsive and him and beau cant be trusted alone together they will get distracted and into trouble

yasha: she's autistic!! mostly effected by th social aspect of it.. like, talking to people is hard and she doesn’t get jokes or sayings and its all just tiring. also has p bad social anxiety. also memory loss from trauma as per canon.. struggles with when she does start to remember things but luckily has a support system so she doesnt just run off on her own like before :') she also tends to disappear off like that due to sensory overload and just being overwhelmed in general bc of autism

caleb: i mean, he’s autistic n its basically canon. he experiences psychosis and has ptsd n depression/anxiety that has come from his trauma. he already had OCD before trauma and his obsessions revolve around hurting others A Lot, especially with fire after his trauma.. he also has dermatillomania due to ocd and anxiety. also has some sort of disordered eating in a self-punishment way.. .

veth: she has autistic-girlie-who-was-diagnosed-as-an-adult swag .. . and then the substance addiction that often comes with that i guess :''') .. also think she has body dysmorphia of course, especially during her being Nott, and some lingering things after too.. she just struggles to perceive her body for a while.. yeza rly helps ground her back to herself tho so thats nice :' ) . also she ptsd from her own murder + drowning , as per canon

molly: has npd and also he has a traumatic brain injury caused by all the things going on in his brain when his souls leave and he dies and things.. so struggles sometimes to find the right words and with memory and with mood regulation. also experiences psychosis and just, in general, strange things going on in his brain.. . also he likes sounds and textures all the time but will sacrifice th sounds for hanging out with yasha because its 110% worth it to sit with her instead ;w; they sign to eachother sometimes and have a made up sort of language

jester: she's got adhd and it means she loves having 10 conversations at once and spinning around and telling you all about her fave romance novel at lightning speed. she stims like all the time with little objects and ribbons and bells. also accidentaly yells a lot sknfsk and same as molly, likes noise n things all the time, gets kinda anxious or sad without it.. ;-; oh jester,, filling up space with noise so she doesnt have to be in the quiet..im not sure if i have any more thoughts about her rn :o

caduceus: he’s autistic (so overwhelmed by noises and too much all the time, also his empathy is fluctuating and he's not sure how to perceive it.. its confusing, he can be very empathetic and then, sometimes he's just in focus-mode and totally doesnt get at all what the vibes th other person is putting out is).. he’s got (inattentive) adhd. also depersonalisation derealisation disorder. and experiences psychosis since it was triggered by being alone in the grove so long + consuming hallucinogens a lot. he tends to just deal with it and not to tell tmn though, even though most of the time there's some little whispery noise or a fuzzy shape around, he's not scared mostly, only when he's triggered by something... also bad anxiety sometimes that he doesnt know how to deal with so he usually casts calm emotions on himself to help, or the herbs he chews (or smokes) for his joint pain help it. and also, his eating is Disorded but doesn’t quite realise (denial, ignoring it perhaps) the eating habits he has aren’t healthy,... he's just. kinda messed up still from all that time alone.. he had his own odd sometimes nonsensical reasons behind ways he treated his body and some of them stuck. also omg this section is a mile long im sorry, but also he has dyslexia and dyspraxia and dyscalculia . .. numbers and letters and walking without bumping into stuff is tricky. also thats why his fine motor skills for writing /drawing aren't so good like in canon :-3

ok,. thee end. good night now u_u zz

#ALSO one more that i didnt include bc it was too long anyway and not my headcanon but i think abt it sometimes: cad quiet type bpd.#inchresting. . .. .. i. think perhaps. yes #long post #<- as an apology #kiddo say #kiddo nd headcanons #i think thats my tag for it..#IM SORRY THIS IS SUCH A AUTISM POST. . . . .GOOD LORD #OK goodnight .

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messymindofmine · 1 year

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I’ve debated talking about this but with the new season coming out (one more week!) I figured I might as well get stuff off my chest. The undercurrents of ableism in the way some fans talk about Tarlos is concerning to me. I see people say that the relationship is unequal and that TK is too high-maintenance and I truly wonder what show these people are even watching.

From the start, we are shown that TK struggles with his mental health a lot and something the show does very well is show how healing is not linear and that even in the moments when things are good, mental illness can still rear its head. What bothers is me is when people act like TK is the only one getting comfort in the relationship and that he does nothing for Carlos. That is just blatantly false. TK brings Carlos so much comfort in both big and small ways. I could honestly make a list of the things he does for Carlos and I just might. But let’s remember that Carlos for all his struggles doesn’t deal with the same mental health issues that TK does. For TK, his addiction and depression are things that he has to deal with on a constant basis even when things are good. The show does a good job of showcasing that in both obvious and subtle ways. I want to emphasize this bc it seems some people just don’t understand this. Not all relationships look the same and just because a relationship doesn’t measure up to your standards doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Just because one person happens to struggle with their mental health a bit more or requires a bit more emotional support at times doesn’t mean the relationship is unequal. If anything, the way these people react to Tarlos proves to me just how important it is for this type of relationship to be shown. For all that TK does tend to need emotional support a bit more at times, he has always been there for Carlos to provide the same support. Any time Carlos has been the one struggling, it’s TK who is always there to support and comfort him. There are ableist undertones to how some people talk about Tarlos and TK in general bc they call TK high-maintenance any time he is shown to struggle with something and Carlos is there to support him. Or if he is shown to get upset about something. I can tell you myself that this is something people who struggle with their mental health are often called any time they dare to exhibit symptoms of their illness. I definitely have more to say on this topic but I’ll leave that for a different post. I do want to say that I know that most people in the fandom aren’t like this at all. 98% of what I see is full of love just as it should be. I just feel like the 2% is something I have to address bc it really bothers me. The relationship between TK and Carlos is so beautiful and I love how much they’ve both grown as individuals and a couple over the past 3 seasons 🧡

#911 fox #911 lone star #tk strand #carlos reyes #tarlos

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ikamigami · 13 days

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People who aren't concerned about Sun's drinking are forgetting that he has a mental disorder which put him at greater risk of becoming addicted to alcohol.

I know that some people think that Sun magically got better and his mental disorder disappeared just because he had a break.

In reality things don't work like that. Same case here.

Why Sun seems the happiest now? Why he's more relaxed?

Because he started drinking. He drinks to relax, to ease his nerves, to be less stressed.

That's why he seems doing better.

He's using drinking alcohol to cope. He copes not only with stressful situations but also with his mental issues and suicidal thoughts which he tries to numb and burry down.

If Sun didn't have a problem with alcohol would he care about what other say?

If Sun doesn't have a problem with alcohol why he didn't throw away the bottles or send them away after the talk with Moon and Solar? He only poured one bottle down a sink and called it a day.

If Sun doesn't have a problem with alcohol why he always feels the need to explain that he doesn't drink a lot?

If Sun doesn't have a problem with alcohol why he's so reluctant to throw or send bottles away?

Why he seemed embarrassed when he was talking about his dumb cat trying to get his head into a glass of wine?

It's obvious that these cats are representing Sun and Moon in a way. So the dumb cat pleasing others even if he isn't comfortable himself or bumping his head into walls or putting his head into a glass of wine are behaviours that are pretty easy to translate to Sun. You don't have to looking too deep to see that. It's literally on the plain sight.

The way Sun acts about drinking and that he seemed more flirtatious with Foxy completely out of nowhere only after he started drinking or that he's more aggressive then ever when he's annoyed (like with Puppet) or when talking to someone he dislikes/hates (Eclipse) after he started drinking seems pretty alarming.

Same is with the fact that his close ones are concerned about the amount he drinks. Especially if they never were concerned about others' drinking - Puppet was worried about Sun's drinking even though they never expressed any worries about Monty's drinking even though we know that Monty got heavily drunk a few times.

Why people were upset at Moon for being concerned about Sun when he saw Sun drinking a bottle (?, Moon couldn't know if it was one or more from simply observing from the side) of wine throughout the day.. everyday?

For me Sun sounded almost defensive wenether others brought up the topic of drinking.

And because Sun is lying about his mental issues and hides them.. can we rule out a possibilty of him lying about how much he drinks and that he might be hiding alcohol in places or even in other drinks?

Not everyone who has a problem with alcohol look like it. Not everyone who gets drunk sounds drunk.

Sun is most likely at higher risk of becoming an alcohol dependant or that he's drinking may become a serious problem. And the fact is that people who suffer from mental disorder such as depressive psychosis are often end up having a drinking problem which often starts from simply relying on drinking alcohol to relax and feel better.

And drinking alcohol increase risk of having another psychotic episode and increase risk of attempting suicide - knowing Sun's current mental condition.. it's very concerning.

I hope that this will help some people to realize why I'm concerned about Sun's drinking.

#sun and moon show #sams #sams sun #sun and moon show sun #tw alcohol #tw suicide

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mamirhodessxox · 1 month

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His Strange Addiction (Part 10, Final chapter.)

(Other parts can be found on my masterlist)

This might be a short chapter aswell but I also wanted to get this out of the way :) this is my first ever completed story & i feel like I’ve make a lot of progress after writing for this FF, I’m really happy some people took their time to read this even if it is a little shitty :) I’m grateful for my mooties who have read this & reblogged it, I hope you guys enjoy this Final chapter of HSA

Cody Rhodes x Fem Wrestler!OC (Melina Reyz)

Desc: It had been a few months since Milena finally gave birth to her & Cody’s first daughter Ivey Rhodes, due to Milena’s postpartum depression things were tough at first but eventually she finally spoke to someone and expressed her emotions in a more healthy manner.

Content: Mentions of smut, childbirth, an anxiety, therapy & Depression, Fluff, Angst, Girl dad Cody, Abandonment issues, happy ending :)

🏷️ list: @alyyaanna @ginswife @coolpastelartshoe @greatkoalawizard @cokolin044 @kotoriarlert @alicerosejensen @bunnybot55 @agent-dessis-posts @adollonyourshelf @mini-rhodes @southerngirl41 @harmshake @femdisa @kabloswrld @claymoresofinfamy23

{~I'm very serious with you guys interacting with my writing!!!! it would make me so happy & excited, the more comments & reposts the more inspiration i have to write :) likes and comments are strongly appreciated so please COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT COMMEENNTTT the more comments the more content <3!!!~}

Cody & Milena finally had their daughter Ivey Rhodes, she was the cutest thing they have ever laid their eyes on & automatically they got used to being parents, Cody loved being a girl dad, Ivey was all he ever talked about, at work, during his promos, interviews, at home, anywhere Ivey was always brought up in a discussion. Ivey & Milena revolved around his universe, especially Milena.

Just a few months ago after giving birth she started experiencing postpartum depression which was normal for a mother just after giving birth to her child, Cody had took notice that she had been experiencing a lot of anxiety & her past emotions from before the pregnancy making a mix in her mental health which at first wasn’t good, Milena had been overthinking a lot & often freaking herself out and having random emotional outbursts most days, he also took notice that she was having problems focusing on herself sometimes instead of the baby, she needed a support system & despite Cody being one of her biggest supporters who’s always patient with her she needed a professional to speak to.

One night after certain activities Cody was in the middle of aftercare & cleaning her up & all of a sudden heard a sniffle & looked up at his wife only to see her tearing up which made him put down the cloth he had in his hand and immediately pulled her into his arms “What’s wrong sweetheart, what’s on your mind?” She frowned & stuffed her face into the crook of his neck as she began crying & didn’t breathe in a proper manner. Cody gently grabbed her face “None of that baby, you need to breathe okay?” He guided her through the breathing process and once he knew she was calm enough he got her to open up “Now what’s got you so upset hm?” Milena furrowed her eyebrows and wiped off her eyes taking a breath before she spoke, “I just— I don’t w-want you to leave me, i-i know I can be a major pain in the ass but I-please don’t leave me.” She whimpered out but he shook his head & ran his hand through her hair “Oh angel I could never, it’s never crossed my mind and it never will baby, I promise. We have a lot of good things going on right now, we just had a beautiful babygirl, we’re still freshly married, I’m never ever going to make that mistake again alright?”

She nodded & let out a short sob before he frowned and held her against his chest while sitting on the bed, Milena had been horrified of him leaving her again since the moment Cody & her got back together, after everything over Bianca Cody had became more patient & gentle with her once he took to notice she hated being alone, whenever he got out of bed before she woke up she would often panic & tear up until she saw him come back upstairs, if he was at the store for an hour longer than usual while she was at home she would begin to overthink & scare herself, she would often need reassurance from him over this issue.

The next day Milena stood in the kitchen holding Ivey in her arms, her & Cody decided it would be a good day to relax & sit back since fall had just hit & it was pretty rainy out, He was standing by the stove making lunch & would keep at eye out on his two girls. Milena stood by the door pointing out the rain and mumbling to the baby & smiling whenever Ivey would coo or giggle and flap her little hands around. Cody set the lunch on the table & went over to his wife & daughter “What’s got you all giggly huh?” He asked ivey in a stern joking way as he took her from Mils arms so she could go eat “It better not be a boy young lady, we’ll be having a lonng talk.” Ivey giggled and clung onto her daddy while he sat over at the table with Milena & held the baby at the same time.

“I think I should talk to someone.” Cody perked his head up and blinked a few times at the sudden words from his wife and then smiling once he processed what she said “If that’s what you think is best for you then go for it, I think it’s a good idea baby.” She smiled meekly & took a bite of the sandwich he made for her, for the remainder of the day they discussed her options of therapy & ultimately chose on a professional psychologist after searching resources. At first Milena was excited and eager to talk but then next week rolled by for her first session & she was scared.

Cody sat in the car with her as Ivey was in her carseat in the back. “Hey.” He called out to her softly and she looked over at him with a fearful look as if she was a dear in headlights, “Your gonna do great alright? It’ll be over before you even know it, I’ll be out here when you come back alright?” She nodded & gave him a quick kiss and waved at Ivey before leaving the car & walking into the office & signing a few papers before she waited, and waited, and waited. “Rhodes?” A soft voice called out and she immediately perked up and smiled as she was called for “Hi! I’ll be your therapist, you can call me Cassandra, how about we get you settled in my station and get you started?” Melina smiled meekly nodding her head as she was guided into her therapists office which was immediately welcoming her with open arms, tapestry’s hung on the walls, mood lights surrounding the room & the sound of water coming from those tiny water fountains that laid upon Cassandra’s desk.

Milena sat down & Cassandra sat behind her desk and smiled “So, Tell me about yourself Milena, what do you do everyday?” Milena huffed out a breath & Fidgeted with her hands nervously “I— Well I used to do women’s wrestling but I ended up resigning for now since I just had my firstborn a few months ago, I usually spend most of my days with my husband Cody, our friends & obviously our daughter.” Cassandra nodded as she listened thoroughly “Well congratulations, So, I know your probably very anxious and nervous so I usually like to get this part out of the way very quickly since I know opening up on certain things can be difficult & from what I’ve gathered this is your first time attending therapy?” Milena nodded her head with a nervous smile “Why don’t you tell me about what’s bothering you? You mentioned you just had your first child & usually after giving birth mothers experience postpartum depression, do you think you’ve been experiencing that a little bit?”

She huffed out a heavy breath and nodding “Well- I never really paid attention to postpartum because most things I should be feeling I’ve sort of been experiencing even before I became pregnant, I- me and my husband had a rocky relationship at first, we originally dated in 2013 until 2015 he broke up with me since we didn’t have much free time to see each other because of our different work schedules & then in 2023 we got back together, I started overthinking about things like the possibility of him leaving me again especially when there was another woman around who was constantly starting problems, I often experience anxiety, especially now after having our daughter I feel like he’s going to leave me at any moment, I sort of um- freak out when I don’t see him in bed with me when I wake up, I get really freaked out sometimes when he’s at the store for a long time while I’m at home. Before I was pregnant & during my pregnancy i would have random emotional outbursts.”

Cassandra hummed and set her pen down before twining her hands together & clearing her throat “Well I’m really glad you came Milena, I’m very proud of you for opening up & I’m sure your husband is very proud of you as well, it’s not easy to express your emotions and concerns and I can tell this was a very big step for you, From what I’ve gathered it seems that your guys’ past breakup & fights are the root of this issue, what your dealing with is the fear of Abandonment, You’ve grown so attached to him & gave him all of your trust to him now and that can be scary sometimes & make you worry & it is absolutely not your fault. What we’ll be doing for the next few weeks is coming up with some ways to conquer this issue, help set up boundaries & hope for the best. How’s that sound?” Milena smiled nodding her head in agreement as she clearly liked that idea.

For the next few weeks Cody had noticed her change in attitude & overall mental health, she seemed more calm & less uptight and anxious, whenever someone upset Milena she would look down and just focus on her breathing and keep herself calm and collected.

Cody & Milena were at home & he laid on the floor having tummy time with Ivey & chuckled everytime she would stretch out her tiny body “Ooohh big stretch! My goodness babygirl that was a really big stretch” he grinned and picked her up and cooed once she did the baby scrunch before he held her against his chest, Milena found it adorable that he was such a big strong man and would hold a baby the size of a small teddy bear compared to him, she was so tiny compared to him that they started calling her “bean” Cody would walk around the house as he talked with Milena about how her therapy is going & whenever Ivey would sneeze Mils would smile and press a gentle kiss into their daughters head.

Milena was glowing to him, she seemed to be in a better and healthier mindset & he could tell she was happier & less down. He loved watching her be a mother to their firstborn, The way Milena always spoke to Ivey as if she could understand the words her mama was saying, always having conversations & interacting with the baby, “Look at you in your cute little bow!” She smiled and would laugh at her daughter giving her that adorable heartwarming gummy smile.

Once it was finally time to put Ivey down for bed & the two did their night routine for the baby Cody gently held his wife’s hips in his hands and smiled before kissing her deeply as they just got to their bedroom “You look so gorgeous baby..” Milena smiled into the kiss & hummed softly while her nails ran down his arms softly as his tongue slipped past her lips and moved against hers “Let’s have another baby hmm?” He moved his lips against her neck as he ran his hands around her breasts giving them a gentle squeeze before pressing her down against their shared bed & spending most of all night making love & enjoying the presence of each other.

Milena & Cody were finally where they wanted to be as a couple, he was so proud of her for everything she’s put up with, whether it be Bianca, the pregnancy, her mental health struggles & being a mother he knew she would kick ass at it.

xtripleiiix’s Masterlist

#oh my fucking goooood #cody rhodes imagine #cody rhodes #cody rhodes fic #cody rhodes x you #cody rhodes smut #wwe imagine #wwe smackdown #wweedit #wwe

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lizbethborden · 11 months

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Here's something I'm thinking about re: what happened with Natalie. Full disclosure that I have not really caught up; at this point I'm too upset. But something that I struggle with as the daughter of an addict from a family of addicts, as someone who has struggled with mental illness and suicidal ideation and knows many other people who have done the same, is the sense that Natalie's death was foreshadowed, inevitable; that this, ultimately, was her "purpose." Given that she talks about having had a "purpose" in the wilderness, first as hunter and protector, then as recognized leader and #AntlerQueen, she pins her struggle in the adult, civilized world on her purposelessness--what use is she? Why is she even there? Why is she alive? Every severely depressed, mentally ill, and/or addicted person knows this exact feeling. For Natalie, it is emphasized and contextualized by her chaotic, deeply codependent relationship with Travis, her despair and frantic wheeling-about after losing him, her eventual suicide attempt in which Lottie's cultists intervene. Of course, the writers of the show don't allow her to die in this scene; they preserve her for another season or so to die for a "better reason," to achieve a "purpose."

The problem with taking this tack--preventing a senseless suicide, giving her a "meaningful" death in the end--is that the final message becomes: the purpose and the goal for people struggling with addiction and mental illness--specifically for a woman who crystallizes many of the circumstances that occur most often with these profound struggles, that is, the daughter of an abusive home, victim from a very young age of misogynist sexualization, exposed to and unwilling participant in scenes of deeply affecting violence including her own father's death--the purpose, the goal, is her death. There is no other purpose, there is no other future for Natalie, except to die. I do not think this was a conscious message planted by anyone; but I do think it results from a failure of imagination, the inability to concretely realize a future for a person struggling with those issues that have plagued Natalie since childhood. Abused, manipulated, lonely, addicted girls live to die.

I feel that the show's emphasis--and frankly, the fandom's as well--on the arrested development of the women contributes to this. Natalie is not a little girl in the show. She is a grown woman played by Juliette Lewis, who is 50 years old, and she makes a grown woman's choices. The inability to imagine Natalie as an adult human being and the fetishization (manic-pixie-dream-antler-queen-ization?) of young Natalie derive, yes, from what I think are just wrong opinions (sorry!) but also from an inability to imagine her worldview and mindset beyond that of an 18-year-old girl. It is a condescending approach to say of an addicted person that they're just mentally a child and can't cope or understand like the rest of the grown-ups. This message is applied to the other YJs in various ways, but strikes a particularly hostile note when applied to Natalie. In the minds of the writers and the fandom, it seems, her aging was a mistake, her growing into adulthood was a mistake; her addiction, her mental illness, and her suicidality are all proofs of such, proofs that she has never been more than that terrified girl with the gun aimed at her father, and in order to keep her that way--to excise adult Natalie from the story, to keep Natalie, in-narrative, on-screen, forever, as the abused, manipulated, lonely, addicted little girl--she has been killed. But it's okay. That was always her purpose, right?

#yjposting #yellowjackets spoilers /#sorry this is so incoherent i'm just... this gives me a lot of thoughts and feelings and in general i'm just not happy.#the writing thinned and thinned as s2 went on and i am just not happy

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 1 month

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all the talk about demons is really interesting to me so i wanted to share my demon story (although im not traditionally religious so i usually resist the term demon bc i feel like it has really specific connotations to most people... but my experience with a negative parasitic entity)

lived in a 200 year old house in an extremely spiritually active area of land where weird shit happened often and there was a creepy vibe always but this was the worst thing that ever happened there and the most sinister by far. most of the creepy energy just felt like nature spirits which are indifferent to human life. but basically my sibling had an extremely bad drug addiction and a lot of mental health problems and his room became extremely unpleasant to go into, there was a terrifying energy always like if you went in there to get something it felt like you were about to be grabbed. he moved out in very upsetting circumstances and after he was gone I think the negative entity which had accumulated in there feeding off his unhappiness had nothing left to consume so it started to come out. the first thing that happened was only mildly weird, the door to his room like locked and unlocked itself on its own when my sister tried to go in. now that i'm typing this i realize i cant actually remember a lot of the details, and stuff like the door being locked inexplicably is fairly normal weird old house stuff, but it felt so sinister and terrifying at the time, we were all aware of it even though it wasn't directly expressed. the thing that made me realize there was an actual entity in that room coming out was my mom woke up and found a tissue box on the foot of her bed. it wasn't the one from her room because that was still there, and because it was blue (my brother's color) we realized it had come from his bedroom. so this thing took the box of tissues out of my brother's room and put it on the foot of his mother's bed to torment her. idk this sounds so mundane typing it but it was legit one of the most chilling things i've ever experienced. i felt that the entity was like a black hole, nothingness that fed on nothingness and created more nothingness.. like the exact opposite of a living creature. I tried to force it out by visualizing my energy pushing it out of the room and i think it partially worked.. idk hmm....... i hope this isn't too much demon stuff i dont wanna bring down the vibe of your blog.. this is 2012 3arth n01ses btw i just didn't want this to be findable via my blog bc its personal family info

it's ok i dont think it brings down the vibe ^^ i like to talk about this stuff especially as i feel very protected at this stage in my life i am inclined to pass along some of my feelings towards ~the spiritual war~ as many people are looking to gain insight. to me it feels very objective to analyze & discuss..

and i relate to this story a lot o_o i've experienced poltergeist activity and it's no joke,.. when an entity becomes strong enough to start messing with the physicality of this realm it is absolutely horrifying even on the most minor scale. there's been a few haunted houses i've lived in where it's happened but this story really reminds me of when i was living in new mexico at my exes house..

my ex and i shared a room that was a newer addition to the house. but the main part of the house was over 100 years old & an alcoholic man had killed himself in my exes childhood bedroom during the great depression. i could not fucking be in this room, like, the second i stepped in there i was filled to the brim with dread & discomfort like the walls were closing in on me. no one else seemed to feel any type of way about this room, but my exes dad had said something interesting about it. it was next to the bathroom & the house was so old that the pipes were made of clay, so in winter they had to dig underneath the house to like, repair the pipes or alleviate pressure on them or something?

anyways the first winter i was there one day my exes dad mentioned that he saw a tiny shadow man run across the yard into the hole under this room. to me it instantly felt like something ancient. and i felt the man who killed himself in that room was being tormented by this thing. because in present times this is still a very dysfunctional household, especially concerning addiction. that room especially just felt so fucking heavy.

one time i was going to the bathroom at midnight, my ex was out with friends, her parents were sleeping in their own room. as i walked past the haunted room the door was open and i heard a voice say "hello!" but it sounded distant, like it was echoing, but not echoing in the room, it was echoing through dimensions. i became TERRIFIED & i ran into the bathroom, i sat there listening with the door open just to try and assess the situation, like maybe my exes dad woke up or something? then i heard loud footsteps walking out of the creepy room towards me. i slammed the bathroom door shut. the footsteps stopped and there was no more sound after that, neither of the parents were awake. i was so shocked. its still hard for me to believe.

but i do feel the man who killed himself in that room gave the entity a huge surplus of energy to work with. and it was causing all types of chaos in that house. i also find it interesting how it waited for my ex to be out of the house before presenting itself to me. because it was rare for us to be apart at that time. since it was her childhood bedroom i feel the entity has a special attachment to her. and it's very similar to your brother. i'm sorry your family has had to go thru this ): but you're not alone.. and you seem to be taking a higher path from my own observations it seems you've learned a lot from this experience and allowed it to elevate your cosciousness rather than falling victim to it. so good for you, your soul is strengthened, really the best case scenario from this.

thanks for another message...your intuition is on your side <3 PMD9 xxxxxxxxx

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firegoddess96 · 2 years

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Sweet Temptations

Summary: All her life Y/n had smelt nothing but blood, determined to ease the suffering of her soulmate she vowed to only surround herself with sweet scents. But what happens when a sexy thick thighed Space Viking walks through her door?

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Soulmate AU, some body shaming, talk of grief.

Y/n had lived her whole life smelling scents that weren’t around her. She always thought she was crazy, or something was physically wrong with her, that was until the day her mother told her about soulmates. Everyone had a soulmate, and they were connected by one of the 6 senses, her parents had been connected by sight, so they had found each other relatively easy.

Others aren’t so lucky and get taste or, like you, smell. How were you supposed to find your other half on smell alone? Most scents were normal, soaps and clean laundry and sometimes the smell of the outdoors, like grass and flowers. The smell that worried you the most was the metallic sting of blood.

This was the most common smell, it scared you to think that your soulmate could be hurt, or that they had to see the level of violence that would cause such a strong smell of copper. You decided that you would only give them sweet smells, scents to comfort them and make them feel safe.

Years later, you were keeping that promise you made to yourself. Sweet Temptations was 7 successful years into business, despite the snap being done 6 years ago and then undone just last year, your business had never suffered. Here you were, the best pastry chef in Queens, and the staple baker for none other than the Avengers themselves.

You had gotten to know Nat after the snap, she had been grieving and needed some serious sugar therapy, and she deemed that both your pastries and your friendship were the cure. Now that everyone she had lost was back, they all were addicted to you too. You’d only met a few members of the team besides Nat, including Wanda, Tony, and Steve all of whom you had seen in person. Bruce only ever ordered over the phone, Nat told me he’s kind of a hermit, but he made her happy and seemed sweet.

Nat was the only one that knew your secret, no one else knew about the link with your soulmate. They thought you just loved to bake, and in a way you did now. But it took years for your choice to become a passion. One that hopefully one day would pay off. For the last handful of years, you’d had the stench of stale beer and old pizza wafting into your nose, over the last few months it was being replaced with much more pleasant scents like clean laundry and soap. You just worried about what would make them so upset to drown themselves in beer and carbs every day for 6 years.

Thor had been struggling with his depression and survivors guilty now that most of his made family had been returned to him. He actively had been trying to better himself and get back the once confident god. No videogames, no drinking and most importantly therapy, to recover from his grief and forgive himself.

Thor left his latest session to see a message from Lady Natasha, asking him to pick up her pastry order. Normally he would have made an excuse to avoid such a temptation, but he had a confidence boost from his session. Most people would believe that his vice was drinking, but they would be very wrong, with the constant scent of fresh pastries and sweets constantly floating around him he had the biggest sweet tooth on Midgard. It was all thanks to his soulmate, whoever they were, for the persistent raging battle of wills.

This errand for Natasha was to be his true test, he vowed to not sample any of the delicious morsels that this shop had to offer. He was a god of his word, and he would win this mental battle. The entire walk there he believed that this was true, until he walked in and saw the most beautiful creature he had ever seen, serving said delicacies.

Her smile lit up the room, her cheekbones lifting higher making her round face even more round. Warm y/e/c eyes shifted their focus to him as she called him by name.

“Thor, right? You’re here for Nat’s order?” Sweet voice like honey in his ears. So lost in her that he stayed silent just staring. Politely she didn’t mention his odd behavior and simply wrote a note and attached it to the box of pastries she handed over.

“Here you are handsome! Tell Nat hi for me, ok?” She winked at him. A blush rose on his cheeks at her comment. How could she think he was handsome, surely, she was jesting? He once had been handsome but now he was much heavier and less muscular. He avoided looking in mirrors and just started wearing clothing other than sweatpants last week. She had to be acting nice because she was Natasha’s friend, she couldn’t really mean what she had said.

The walk back to the compound went quickly as he mentally spiraled with negative thoughts about his body. As he walked into the living room of their communal floor the team swarmed him for their treats only to freeze in place at the look on his face.

“You wanna talk about it bud?” Bucky asked, having gone through his own mental hurdles he knew not to press too much and demand answers. And the look on Thor’s face showed that currently those mental demons were kicking his ass.

“Therapy went well, I was quite confident and feeling more like my old self. But then I saw this beautiful woman and she called me handsome, but she must have been joking. I just kind of spiraled.” Thor laughed awkwardly to make light of his pain.

“Hey Pointbreak, this woman happen to be curvy, with a smile like sunshine and y/h/c hair?” Tony asked him, startled Thor nodded in confirmation.

“She meant it big guy, says so right here.” He pulls out a note card with Y/n’s name and number that says “If talking isn’t your thing, maybe texting me will be easier” with a heart and a wink.

Nat hid smiling in the corner her plan working perfectly, while Thor was recovering back at home, post un-snap, he told her of his soulmate connection and the tempting smells of sweet sugary treats. She had her suspicions, so she started ordering more treats for the team from her baking bestie, to see if they were the ones. He never reacted to the scents until he could see them, commenting on how he had been craving just that. It had all made sense, his sweet addiction, and her constant smell of coppery blood. The baker and the Space Viking God, who would have known?

Finally, months later, she had set the trap. But this big blonde idiot was too dumbstruck by your delicious curves to see the big picture. It all replied of you now, and Nat hoped that was enough.

When Thor had stepped through the door of your shop you had known right away that he was your soulmate. For once you could smell your own creations as you were surrounded by them. For the last few months, you had been smelling sweets after your opened for the day. You had figured out that it was a customer of your shop, but it wasn’t someone who came in themselves. But never in a million years did you think that the hunky god of thunder thighs would be your other half. Damn, he was yummier than any pastry you could ever make.

He was HOT, long blonde hair you could grab onto, dark trimmed beard over strong jaw, and lonely blue you could drown in. And his new belly? Perfect! He was now as cuddly as he was sexy, you usually went for the bigger guys, guys who wouldn’t judge you for your curves but love and embrace them, so why wouldn’t you embrace him for all of his?

You took the shot to reach out, giving a guy your number and being forward wasn’t really your thing, but you refused to be the reason you missed out on your soulmate. Now to pray and hope he’s the type of God that answers prayers.

Y/n’s phone rings with an unknown caller ID.

“Hello, is this Y/N?” His deep voice resonates over the speaker.

“It is, and is this my Space Viking Soulmate? Nice to hear your voice Handsome.”

#thickthor #thickthor x reader #thor x y/n #thor x plus size reader #thor x reader #avengers x reader #avengers x plus size reader

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emptifylie · 5 months

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i have no one to talk to about real shit so im posting it on tumblr. i have so many fucking friends and people around me who tell me that i could tell them anything, but i know if anyone knew the truth they wouldn't be able to look at me the same anymore. i binged yesterday, ate about 500 calories. i ate today too. i dont know whats wrong with me. i gained weight again, 124lbs. god i make myself fucking sick. today all i could think about was death. im not sad, im numb, and when im not numb its rage or deep depression that im feeling. i fell asleep in the locker room of my gym today. i finished my workout and i sat down for a minute and i woke up to a phone call from my mom asking me where i was. i slept for less than 5 minutes but it just, god, it felt like i died or something. i noticed the scar my ex gave me on my arm and it got me to finally remembering what actually happened and its fucking terrifying how i could still want him back so fucking badly. im sick. its not love that i still have for him, its just this fucking heart sinking feeling i have when i think about him, hangout with him, see him, i just want him to tell me he loves me again. he ruined my life and i want him back. he got me fucking addicted to drugs, fuck the scars, he literally RUINED my life. im a drug addict now, because of HIM. im so pathetic for still caring so much about him. im just pathetic period. tomorrow im skipping my first 3 classes to go to the gym. i cant be seen with all this extra fat on me. i might just skip school all together. fuck, i told myself i was going to start caring about my life again. im just so tired. nothing feels the same anymore. i cant bring myself to feel excitement or happiness about anything anymore. even when i lose weight i still find a way to turn it into something else to be upset over. the biggest problem though, out of everything, is that i actually think that my only option is to die. because where the fuck am i going with my life???????? im a drug addict who doesnt eat most days out of the week/all days out of the week. ive been depressed for the majority of my life. i still want my ex and its been almost a year and i still haven't gotten over him, fuck i still hangout with him like everyday after EVERYTHING he's done to me. i am complacent with living like this. im complacent to my messy room that smells like weed, vomit, cigs and rotting food 24/7. im complacent to failing school, i dont even try anymore to do better. i still binge even though i know it'll undo a weeks worth of fasting that was absolute torture to go through and made me a nuisance to everyone. im just okay with living like this. thats what makes it so hard to want to be alive. i feel like im living in a movie where the ending is me giving up on ever getting better and dying. i knew when i was little that i was gonna do drugs. i remember that very clearly, stealing vodka at age 7 just to be like my teenage brother and his friends who just seemed so cool to me. i knew when i was little that i was going to make myself skinny one day. i remember once on opposite day in 1st grade my mom got me an outfit to wear and i told her i looked too fat to wear it and went to school in normal clothes. why have i always hated myself this much? why does it feel like my whole life is leading up to my inevitable destruction? i wish i was more like the "depressed" girls on tiktok lol. i saw this girl who made a post with the "i miss the rage" audio talking about getting high every weekend. like god, FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. imagine thinking getting high every WEEKEND is so bad that you have to make a post about it. not actually mad at her tho its still bad, its no competition, im just talking about how it made me feel. it just makes my problems feel so much fucking worse. i did the math and i have been just cali sober a total of 12 days this year. 354 days out of the year i have been on drugs. my problems arent normal for that of my age.

like i saw this other post too, that dumbass audio from skins, "i didnt eat for 3 days so i could feel lovely" again, its not a competition but ive gone weeks without eating and ive never met someone who can relate to that. obviously i know there are people out there with worse problems than that but im just fucking saying that it makes me feel like a fucking freak. like if those are the worst problems out there that are worth being talked about, how bad am i??? i feel like i reached the limit years ago, the limit of how fucked up you could be without being weird and now that ive gone past it i just feel like a lost cause. i havent felt like a person in years.

i want to be a human being again. i want to be a normal teenage girl.

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creepypastalover97 · 2 years

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Ok time for another creepypasta au headcannon

Today’s headcannon is going to be about everyone’s favorite link rip-off

Enjoy

. The correct way of spelling his name is BEN_drowned. But his Real name is Benjamin Lawman

. BEN was born on April 23rd 1990, and he died on September 7th 2002

. He’s pale and in the body of a boy around 12. But Mentally he’s much older, and would have been 32 years old if he hadn't died.

. In a weird way he’s happy he died. he didn’t have to be apart of the cruel world today. Ben’s disgusted with modern people

“Why does someone’s sexuality matter when the earth’s fucking melting?

Why is racism a thing it was all hundreds of years ago calm the fuck down people!”- Ben

. The only thing he appreciates is modern technology. Games, consoles and chatrooms keep him busy and happy. He’ll often make staged accounts on sites and just talk to people, be there for him

. ben’s addicted too bitcoin he thinks its the future of the world. doesn’t care if he’s fuckin dead

he’s considered communism

.Was deathly afraid of water like Finn in Adventure Time. Strictly takes showers and doesn’t go swimming

. BEN doesn’t give a single fuck about his gender. This was discovered by Jeff a day after BEN arrived at the mansion. Jeff, being the rude ass motherfucker he is, decided to try and make fun of BEN by calling him “a pretty girl”. he was so fucking shook when BEN just answered with

“Thanks I appreciate it”- BEN

EJ, who was sitting in the kitchen like he always is, fucking lost it

. BEN was once dared to dress up as a female, like a dress and hair up

He did it without hesitation

Everyone who was attracted to girls regretted it immediately after seeing him

. Bisexual asf but leans more towards girls

. He can do voice acting and like, really good impersonations. He once hid in the vents and started laughing in a perfect Freddy Fazbear imitation and later he started speaking in Baby’s voice and gave half the mansion a heart attack

. he secretly has a Tik Tok account where he pretends to be a ”””gamergirl”””

He’s famous

. He smokes weed when he starts glitching out really bad to calm down his nerves. He relies on weed to calm him down if he finds himself getting anxiety or feeling depressed to keep himself from glitching out horribly.

. Hardcore Gamer. will demolish anyone in any game ever. Jeff thought he could beat him at dance party because he’s so lazy but oh was he wrong

. Referencing the C-D-I Zelda games in his prescence will cause BEN to go into a homicidal rage.

. Often goes to arcades to fuck with people and occasionally cheat.

. Is so fucking good at Laser Tag - he’ll no scope everyone without breaking a sweat

. Very glitchy pervy boy. Has gone to sex shops only to “accidentally” make all the display vibrators lose their shit just for kicks, and has smacked almost every Pasta in the mansion with an oversized rubber dildo

. Doesn’t cut his hair. (The girl pastas like styling his hair)

. Sees Sally as a little sister

. Ben cannot physically cook. He’s the Meliodas of cooking. It looks great but tastes really bad. He’s more worried about presentation over taste. He knows that Chef Ramsey would kill him too for how bad he cooks.

. His ears twitch when ever he’s focused or nervous. (Especially when he’s lying)

. ben’s gotta sleep with pads on his face so he doesn’t fuck up his sheets

. Although Ben is pretty colorful as a person, when he’s upset and/or angry, everything on him goes monochrome

. When he gets sick, he glitches horribly when he sneezes

. Glitches really bad when he’s physically upset

. If BEN laughs hard enough he will cough up a ton of water that's in this lungs from when he drowned

. Prefer’s to levitate everywhere, he walks only when he’s super energetic (which is never)

. actually has no fucking idea what he is, it’s like

“Hey BEN what exactly are you?”- Circe

“a ghost???? Wait,,, a hylian. A…. human?? Idfk”- BEN

the ultimate meme lord. Actually funny which in itself is kinda scary

“So here’s the tea”- BEN

“ for the last time, it’s called a mission report “-slenderman

“ do you want to hear the tea or not?”- BEN

“Hmpff”-Circe

. Ben is fluent in Chinese.

. His diet consist of energy drinks and instant noodles

. He hates a lot of fruits for some reason. He's not unhealthy, he just never eats fruit

. Has a habit of chewing on electric cords.

. Jokingly simps for Jeff as a joke, because he likes Jeff’s reactions.

. He adores the Fnaf series and knows the lore.

. he actually goes outside sometimes???

“Oooh!! Look at the sun, it’s so circular! So warm! And bright.” - BEN, leaving his room for the first time in three weeks

“…………”- BEN

[Takes a 180 and goes back inside to hibernate]

. BEN can only climb into devices that are plugged in, sure if you charge your phone he can get in but if you unplug it his only way to get out is to either wait or climb through the screen.

. He also thinks Basil is pathetic.

He hates Basil.

. Ben doesn't like musicals, Hamilton is the ONLY exception

. he’s so laid back that everyone forgets his manipulative and sadistic nature

“BEN that’s inappropriate clothing go change”- slenderman

“I’m inappropriately dressed to live anyway bitch why would I”- BEN

. he has so much stuffed animals, pillows and blankets god couldn’t. he’s too emotionally unstable to actually cuddle anyone so he replaces human contact with fluffy pillows and blankets

. Won’t stop quoting vines to the point where it’s annoying

. Makes “cringe” prank videos when bored

. is actually really good at hiding his emotions, no one really knows what he’s truly like. Or so he thinks

“BEN, are you alright?”- Circe

“Yeah, why?”- BEN

“Because you asked the lady in the store if the damage repair shampoo works on emotions too.”- Circe

. He likes to hack into the SCP Foundation’s private computers and spam them with outdated memes and 24 hour long loops of the “song of unhealing”.

. Often hacks everyone’s phones and switching Siri with himself. Then the pastas freak the fuck out when they find out it’s him. Jeff hates this the most.

“ Siri, connect redtube to start bar”- jeff

“ oh?, does jeffy boy have a nasty watch history? Wow, buddy you have more kinks than Masky, damn”-BEN

“ how would you know?”- jeff

“…….”-BEN

“……”-jeff

“Get out of my phone”- jeff

. inhumanly flexible. Anyone who enters his room debates on wether or not to call an exorcist.

. Actually is really fucking smart but likes having people underestimate him so he can purposely destroy their ego

. Short boy that will chop down legs if anyone makes fun of his height

“What are you, three?”- BEN

“Yeah, three heads taller than you.”- jeff

“………………”- BEN

Ten minutes later

“OPEN THE DOOR YOU FUCKING COWARD!”- BEN, banging on Jeff’s door

“I WAS JUST JOKING!”- jeff

Overall BEN_drowned is no doubt actually a very nice and understanding guy (apart from, well, killing)

I hope you enjoyed

P.s. not everything is canon. So don’t take seriously if you don’t want to. If you don’t like, take it somewhere else. Thank you

Bye 👋🏻

P.s.s. Go check out Circe’s origin story on archive of our own. It’s called rabbits are not what they seen.

#ben drowned #creepypasta world building #creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta

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pezpenser205 · 9 months

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❤️💝

❤️ - Are there any NPD stereotypes that are the exact opposite of your experience?

honestly the whole cishet rich attractive ceo/celebrity thing. like everyone kinda thinks npd is something only people who are actually successful or famous have, as if npd somehow causes you to be successful. npd is more of a delusion to cope with the fact that you arent perfect, while trying to be perfect in whatever way your brain decides to obsess over. correlation and causation arent the same thing. ive always been outcast socially which is why i feel the need to constantly prove myself or something.

💝 - Tell me something interesting about yourself!

ok i made a post about this but i privated it bc no one asked. but now someone asked me something so i have a chance to talk about it fully. the way my psychosis actually got Bad is very interesting to me and ive never heard of it happening. so i didnt get good rem sleep for years because i never fully physically recovered from my addiction and was so low in magnesium that my muscles would twitch themselves awake every so often. so because i wasnt adequately dreaming in my actual sleep, i would either dream when i was very lightly sleeping or id hallucinate very vividly because i was dreaming while awake. combined with major depression this was Not Fun

if it seems like im more grounded, apathetic or verbose now than i was a few months ago its because i am. not sleeping properly changed my entire personality i think. if you just look at my posts from 2022 to now the way i spoke in text was pretty different. a lot of my posts then werent very extensive and were more emotional because in a way i was primarily living through emotion/instinct. now i dont really care as much about a lot of stuff that made me upset or distraught so fast before. im still pretty emotionally unstable but thats to be expected. ive finally found a cocktail of vitamins and meds that work for me and i really just have to do the mental work myself atp.

so yeah if you see any old out of pocket posts by me its because i didnt properly get the benefits of sleep for 3 years. pweas forgiv me guys 👉👈

#asks

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firespirited · 7 months

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"porn addiction" is one of those debates that aren't really a debate like "narcissism" because everybody's coming at it from a different angle.

Narcissism is the self-absorption in all of us to a certain extent; narcissism is a symptom that can increase with addiction, mania, depression; narcissistic personality disorder is a trauma response or developmental disorder where the rest of the world fades compared to the need (real or perceived) for self-preservation: some people with it are trying to be the best person they can, others use it as an excuse to not grow. Narcissism often called dark narcissism is an explanation, not an excuse: an explanation for a person who is ok with someone suffering for their benefit and knowing the red flags can help people escape abusive relationships or repeated patterns in relationships. It's shorthand in divorce and interpersonal violence proceedings to explain an insecure and volatile attachment by a person who presents one facet of themselves to the world and another demanding and abusive one to their partner and or children.

It's a buzzword used to sell self-help books, it's a way of dismissing a person's humanity and agency, it's been misused like 'psycho', it's a very important way for survivors to talk about how their abuser fit patterns like they were all following a guide on how to discredit you, it's an important tag for NPD sufferers to connect and share coping strategies.

and because of competing accessibility needs, talking about narcissism on social has to be censored or renamed or you'll violently upset people coming from any other angle.

talking about porn brings out people who were betrayed by a sexual partner, people who've been fetishized, sex workers who just want to not be hounded, people who think their erotic fanworks will get banned by puritans, people who immediately think about how their childhood fandom was ruined by untagged, unhidden porn, kids and teens exposed to porn in uncomfortable hazing or grooming rites, people raised to think having sexual thoughts was a sin as bad as adultery, people who don't like their relationship to porn, people who've seen it used as a wedge issue by religious organizations to pass laws that hurt people. How are we supposed to talk about it when IT means so many things?

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always-andromeda · 10 months

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Just a little vent because I’m very frustrated and I want to get these thoughts out.

I am currently on day three of withdrawal from adderall. And this shit is the fucking worst. I’m talking fatigue, dizziness, depressive and anxious thoughts. I have just been all over the place.

Even being on it in the first place, I wasn’t doing the best. But if this is how people get addicted to this shit, I understand it completely.

People talk all the time about how mental health journeys can be extremely difficult. And I know that once these symptoms pass, I will start to feel more alright. For right now…I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated and upset and feeling so hopeless.

I know that I can’t give up. In the past, I’ve always figured that nobody could help me and that I’d have to take care of everything on my own. But I can’t keep doing that. I have to keep trying for my own sake. I’ve been doing the mostly solo ride for way, way, way, too long. And even though I used to believe that that was just me protecting myself, I’m starting to see that that attitude has slowly been destroying me.

I’m going to be more insistent with medical professionals going forward. I’m going to start giving more of a fuck. I’m going to fight for myself more because goddamnit, I deserve more.

Goodnight, folks. 💛

#˚ʚ meda rants ɞ˚

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skz317cb97 · 2 years

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A friend of mine asked me to write an article for his mental health blog talking about depression and anxiety. Figured I'd share it here with you all as well. Trigger warning! There is lots of talk about, childhood trauma, addiction, drug use, self-harm, and similar topics. If that can be upsetting or triggering for you, please skip reading this.

Was the anxiety and depression always there in me from the beginning? Was it something that I was born with and grew with in me like my organs and the rest of the parts of my body? Or was it planted and grown from the people in my life, my environment, like a seed, fertilized and watered? The things I was subjected to at a young age, growing up faster than any child should have to. There isn’t a time I can remember that there wasn’t fear pricking at my brain, making my heart race and my stomach turn. Would that have always been the case or was it just my experience? Do I fear these things because of the experience or is the way I reacted to the experience because of something already inside me?

I was very young, kindergarten maybe, the wife of my dad’s friend coming to our house frantic because someone was looking in their windows at her. Over twenty-five plus years later and I check to make sure my curtains are closed every night. Second grade, I was hit by a car. Afterwards if you even suggested crossing a street I was panicking, I STILL look down an empty street both ways before crossing with a racing heart. I distinctly recall vomiting in a man’s driveway after I had been told I may have to cross a highway that we had broken down on. I had a volatile family on both sides. If adults were arguing or voices started getting raised, I was puking. Growing up in the mid-west, tornado warning, tornado watch, severe thunderstorm warning? I was puking and hiding in the bathroom. I had never even been in a tornado. A man my dad had ripped off, outside of my family’s house, screaming he was going to burn it down and me quietly crying in my room in the dark scared I’m going to die in a fire that night. I’m told I’m supposed to be asleep while the man yells outside. So again, I ask do I fear these things because of the experience or is the way I react to the experience because of something already lying dormant inside me?

I’m supposed to be sleeping. I’m supposed to be sleeping because I have to go to school the next day, and I did go. Through all of these things I had go to school, take tests, do homework, participate in life like everything was normal. I had to rise above and find a way through on my own. In elementary school. I wasn’t going to get help learning to cope from my teachers or the school, they had no idea what was going on in my life. I certainly wasn’t going to get it from my family. My parents were alcoholics and drug addicts. My grandparents, my father’s parents that is, did what they could but that was mainly keeping us fed and a roof over our heads when my parents failed to do so. They were very ‘old school’ so anxiety, depression, mental health in genral wasn’t a topic of conversation. It wasn’t even a blip on the screen. We mainly only saw my mom’s parents for holidays. They seemed to want to keep their distance, not that I could blame them. Living with drug addiction is difficult and if you can just stay away from it why wouldn’t you?

I couldn’t of course. It was thrust upon me against my will and there was no way out of my real life. So, I turned inside. My imagination. I would dream up elaborate stories of people whose lives were nothing like mine or I’d make up people who were just like me, who dealt with the same obstacles I had in my way and overcame them. Looking back now I remember a great deal of the trauma and the fear it evokes even to this day, but I remember the stories more. Then I got older, became a teenager and went through the feelings of inadequacy all teenagers feel, perhaps a bit more profound given my circumstances at home. By then my mother was not in my life leaving me with a dad who was still an addict, a drunk, and had a raging temper. My grandparents still tried their best, but they were older and could only do so much and my grandma was in and out of the hospital during that time. My imagination and dream world faded, and depression and anxiety hooked their nasty claws deep into me.

At this point I had completely given up at school. I attended sometimes did homework none of the time. In my home drugs were not for mental health they were for recreation. So that’s what I did. I started sneaking my dad’s cigarettes and alcohol easily enough, then his weed, then his pills. He knew, he didn’t care unless I took drugs he had wanted to do. I was using all of these drugs to fill a void in me that felt like it would grow exponentially. They didn’t. The void was still there, worse even. By the time I was sixteen I was a high school dropout, bouncing from crappy job to crappy job, drinking, smoking, and doing drugs every day.

I still didn’t know how to cope with what I was dealing with and so I started to self-harm. When my dad found out I was met with ridicule. An ‘Oh so you want to kill yourself?’ attitude. I didn‘t know how to explain why I did it. Oh, so you want to kill yourself? No but also yes. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I wished that I was dead, and I didn’t know how to deal with those emotions, that kind of pain. I was still a child really, even if I had the stress and worries of an adult with a job and bills, I was just a kid still. So, I would substitute the emotional pain with the physical and then the fact that I was hurting could make sense to me. But at sixteen/seventeen I wasn’t intellectually or emotionally equipped to express that.

I floated through life like that for a long time not really caring because in my mind I didn’t see a future for myself. If you would have told twelve-year-old, sixteen-year-old, twenty-one-year-old, me that one day I'd be my age now, well I don’t know that they would have believed you. My depression was at the forefront during most of that time but my anxiety still lingered in other ways. Clinging to toxic and codependent relationships trying to validate my worth. Normal people had nightmares about axe wielding killers chasing them, my nightmares were waking up late for work and losing my job ensuring my homelessness. So, I would wake up and leave EXTRA early to be sure I was on time. I actually STILL do this. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I actually started to address my mental health. I had known I had depression that was painfully obvious but even then, if you had asked me if I had anxiety, I’d have told you no. Looking back now I don't know how I didn't see it. Perhaps I was looking at the picture too close at the time.

Since the beginning of this journey for me I’ve been on and off a few different behavioral medications and mood stabilizers. Most helped, even if just a little, some didn’t, and then for a long time I didn’t take any. I was happy with where I was in my life. After everything I’d been through as a child and young adult, I felt like I had managed to do what the characters in my stories from my childhood had done. I’d gotten out, gotten through. I had finished beauty school and had a career that I loved. I wasn't self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, I finally felt secure and on a path that there was a future for and I was content, happy even. I would love for that to be the end and be able to say happily ever after but if anyone reading this deals with depression and anxiety then you know there’s no cure all. There’s always a chance of relapse and it's more likely than not.

I went through a lot of things over the course of a few years. My dad dying of an overdose, a breakup with a long-term partner, coming out, a move, then another move, LOTS of uncertainty that had me spiraling into my depression and anxiety and I knew I needed to do something immediately or it was going to get bad quickly. That’s when I started talking to a therapist and we started trying some different meds. I’m not going to lie and say it was great right off the bat. It takes time to warm up to talking to someone about your deepest secrets and fears and you have to cycle through meds to figure out what works for you. After two years I talk to my therapist (who I LOVE) every two weeks and my psychologist (who’s also a wonderful person) every month. I’m on a trio of medications for depression, anxiety, and adhd that seem to be working for me right now and I’ve taken to writing stories again. Although now, instead of trying to insert myself into my stories to escape my present life I write to let out the pain from my past.

So, was this always with me, would I have always come out to be this person with these fears that linger into adulthood no matter the path? Maybe, maybe not, I’ll never really know. One thing I can be certain of is that it was part of who I was then, it is part of who I am now, and it always will be but that’s okay because it's not ALL that I am. So, bask in the high points, cherish them, make lots of memories during them because a low point will come again. It may be easier than the last, maybe harder but there’s always a way back up, back out. Never forget. Never give up.

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