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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 7 months

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Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 21

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC Some Smut & Language- Minors DNI New as of 9/21/2023

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Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives.

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: "Dieter. Don’t do this…please."

A/N: Chapter 21 is finally here! It's a beast coming in at 9k words. I have to give a massive thank you to @for-a-longlongtime for taking on the challenge of cleaning this mess up. Make sure you thank her for it! She worked some serious magic on it for me. Just a fair warning, this takes a super angsty turn. Get your cozy blanket and chocolate ready, because you might need it.

I was not prepared for how hard Dieter's absence would hit me once he had left to film in Canada. Spending time alone had never bothered me at any point in my life; but now without him, it felt like a piece of me was missing. I did my best to keep busy. When I wasn't working remotely, I continued the home improvement project at Dieter’s house or worked on various projects in my craft room.

Aside from two incidents, I had managed to avoid the lurking paparazzi. There were a few photos that had been snapped from a distance while I was out running errands that popped up on some fan pages; it was annoying, but the best way to handle it was to take it in stride and just remind myself that people were always watching. Luckily, no one had approached me directly; the public knowledge that Dieter was currently on set in Canada probably took a lot of the heat off me.

Fortunately, I had people in my life to help me cope with Dieter's absence. I spent several evenings with Lauren, catching up on gossip as we watched movies. The shop had been keeping her busy due to an employee shortage, and she was also exploring options to expand into the vacant unit next door. While I could see how that took up a lot of her time, I couldn't shake the feeling that she was holding things back from me. But whenever I asked her about it, she would wave it off and say everything was fine, as her phone continued to beep with a steady stream of text messages.

Gabby must have noticed that I had been feeling lonely, as she made a point to extend a longstanding dinner invitation at her house. While I enjoyed spending time with her and went to see her often, it didn’t do anything to dampen my feeling of loneliness. No one could fill that void except for her brother.

Communicating with Dieter brought on a new set of frustrations that I hadn’t expected. The remote location turned out to have a lot of signal issues, so it was hard for us to connect by texts or calls as often as either of us would have liked. I could tell that he tried to stay positive, but during the times that we were able to Facetime it struck me how tired he looked and sounded. Things were slowly wearing him down.

Two weeks into filming, during one of our few facetime calls, Dieter admitted that he had been feeling a little down and wasn’t getting enough sleep. The side effects of the medication had lessened, but so far it didn’t seem to offer him any relief from the issues that he struggled with. A local provider that he was referred to suggested that he start taking antidepressants. When he told me, I noticed how distant his eyes seemed as he spoke. “It’s fine. I’ll take them”, he said after a beat, his fingers absentmindedly tugging at the label on the bright orange container with pills. “I’m just dreading more side effects.” He had been unusually quiet during our call that evening. I could see weariness sunk into the lines on his face and couldn’t help the gnawing feeling that things were not all that fine.

The last few days before I was scheduled to fly out to Alberta passed by painfully slow. It made me restless, and I couldn't focus my energy on anything but the trip. I lost count of how many times I went through my packing list. Dieter seemed to be feeling the same way, sounding giddy during the times we were able to catch up over the phone. He had made sure to arrange a car that would pick me up at the airport. So, when I finally I landed at Edmonton International after a three-hour flight, I was relieved that I didn’t have to deal with the anxiety of transportation to get to the set.

As we drove several hours to get to the filming location, I saw the landscape changing from city views to remote swatches of land. Lush forests and more than a few wild animals caught my attention. With so few people, stores, and even power lines around, it wasn’t surprising that there had been such problems with getting a cell signal.

By the time I made it to their filming location, my back was absolutely killing me. I was happy to be climbing out of the vehicle. I was in the midst of stretching when Rylee came jogging over. Her hair was now black mixed with a deep purple color, which threw me for a minute. She gave me a wave and wide smile as she approached.

“He’s gonna be so fucking happy you’re finally here,” she announced as she pulled me in for a quick hug. “Actually, I’m fucking happy you’re here because I’m tired of his whining.”

I gave her a chuckle in response.

“What do I need to do with my bags?”

“We can put them in his trailer for now. Come on, I’ll help.”

As small as the trailers looked from the outside, I wasn’t expecting much. But I had to admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It was like a mini home on wheels.

“So, is he the only one who uses this trailer?” I asked as I looked around on the inside. The bed toward the back had caught my eye, because of course that’s where my mind immediately went to. Rylee gave me a knowing smile.

“I mean, do I need to put my bags out of the way or anything? I don’t wanna take up someone else’s space.”

I tried to recover. I’m not sure she bought it. I could feel my cheeks burning.

“He’s one of the stars of the show. So, yes, he’s the only one who should be in here aside from you or I, unless invited.”

I nodded, still trying to play it cool.

“Don’t worry, I’ll knock before I come in,” she added with a wink.

“No, no, that’s…that’s not why I was asking.” I shook my head as I spoke, feeling even more embarrassed.

“Don’t play coy, I’m not dumb.” A wide teasing grin spread across her face.

“Ok, ANYWAY, what now?” I interjected, trying to change the subject. That caused her to laugh harder. Once her laughs subsided to a manageable level, she responded.

“Now we go find your man and surprise him. I haven’t told him you’re here yet. He’s filming right now. They should be wrapping for a break soon.”

I followed Rylee down a long trail into a wooded area. We ended up near a large opening next to the river. I could see a lot of commotion up ahead where they were filming on the edge of the riverbank. We got close enough to watch, but far enough out of the way that I couldn’t be spotted. I didn’t want my sudden appearance to throw Dieter off.

They were filming a scene that included a heated exchange between several of the characters. It was amazing to watch him work. To see him turn the character on and off between takes was interesting. He could go from joking around and laughing to angry within seconds. I didn’t understand how he could do it so convincingly. On their third try, I noticed Dieter’s face shifted slightly mid-way through as one of the other male actors was speaking. It was an actual look of annoyance. He turned looking towards the director while everyone else looked confused. Someone called cut from the group behind the camera. Dieter looked back over at the other male actor, clearly frustrated.

“Can’t you just stick to the damn script? They told you to cut that shit out,” he said loudly to the other male actor.

It sounded like the guy responded with a comment about the lines feeling out of character. I couldn’t fully hear him since his back was facing our direction.

“If you have a problem with it, discuss it with the boss and the writers before we film. You're holding everyone up here.”

It looked like the guy may have flipped Dieter the bird, and I don’t think he meant it in the joking with your friends kind of way. Rylee looked at me and rolled her eyes, “That’s Tom. That guy has been a total douche. He thinks he’s more important than he actually is. He’s driving Dieter crazy with this stuff.”

“Yeah, he looks like a douche. Is Dieter always that direct with people?” I hadn’t noticed this before, but then again, I hadn’t been around him when he was working.

Rylee shook her head. “Can’t say I’ve witnessed it before, though I don’t blame him in this instance.” She hesitated for a moment. “He hasn’t been in the best mood though.”

We watched as they shot three more takes before a dinner break was announced. Everyone started to clear out of the area, except for one of the female actresses who approached Dieter. She was a petite brunette, and clearly attractive. She reached out to touch his upper arm as she spoke, obviously flirting with him. I couldn’t hear what she said, but Dieter looked at her with annoyance as he pulled his arm away and walked off. She didn’t look happy about his response, giving him a slight glare as she walked away with a huff.

I knitted my brows together over their exchange. Rylee noticed my expression.

“That’s been a whole thing. Chloe just won’t take a hint. Don’t worry, he’s been nothing but a dick to her.”

I laughed, “Well, maybe she’ll take the hint now that I’m here.”

I watched as Dieter wandered over to the edge of the riverbank, looking frustrated with his phone in hand. He seemed to be talking to himself, occasionally walking a few steps one way or the other with the device up in the air, like he was looking for a better signal. Rylee bumped her shoulder against mine.

“What are you waiting for? Go get your man before he loses his damn mind again over his phone not working.”

I chuckled before walking off in his direction, approaching him from behind. I could hear him muttering about his phone being a “piece of shit” as he tapped on the screen harder than necessary.

“What did that phone ever do to you?”

“It doesn’t fucking work half the time,” he replied curtly, his head bowed down as he continued to fiddle with the object of his frustration. A beat later, his fiddling paused as he raised his head, quickly turning toward me.

The instant his eyes locked with mine, he was moving, taking quick long strides over to me as the relief swept over his face. Before I knew it, he had wrapped his arms tightly around my waist and lifted me, spinning in a circle as he pressed his lips into mine with urgency. “Hi.” His voice croaked, somewhere between a gasp and a moan. I hugged him back around his neck as I returned the kiss with just as much enthusiasm. He lowered me to the ground, our embrace continuing with kisses between whispers of how much we had missed each other.

He pulled back, looking over my face as he reached to run his fingers through my hair. A small smile tugging at his lips.

My thumb traced the faint darkness under his eyes. I could see it even under all the makeup and dirt. My chest tightened at the thought of him not being able to sleep. I really hoped he wasn’t still having bad dreams, but I didn’t think he would tell me if he was.

We were brought back to reality when a few of the remaining crew members and Rylee started whopping and whistling at us, someone even yelling at us to get a room. We both burst out laughing but were also slightly embarrassed. I could already tell that being on the film set with Dieter was going to be an interesting experience.

He leaned into my ear, “How about we go somewhere a little more private?”

I nodded with a mischievous smile in return. We made a beeline for his trailer. Several people attempted to get his attention as he passed by, but he was having none of it. He waved them off and kept going, gently pulling me along as he held my hand.

We had barely made it into his trailer before he was kissing me and reaching for my belt buckle. I had to make him stop to shut the door properly behind him. It bounced back open twice before he finally gave it a couple of good tugs to fully latch it. He cursed at it under his breath while I laughed at him.

We undressed each other in record time before falling onto the bed in a mess of tangled limbs. Dieter settled in between my thighs as he reached down to rub between my folds. I grabbed his hand, stopping him as I shook my head.

“No, I need you now.”

He gave me a cocky grin as he moved to line himself up at my entrance. “As you wish.” He rested his forehead against mine as he entered slowly, giving me the opportunity to adjust to his size. Once he was in all the way, his movement briefly stilled, and a small whimper escaped his lips.

“I’ve missed you so fucking much, missed this, missed us.”

He kissed me deeply, his tongue tangling with mine as he started his movements again. His pace quickened, turning the sweet moment into one of raw need. Our sweaty bodies slid against each other as our movements became more frantic. We held on to each other tightly as his thrusts grew harder. We heard voices outside of the trailer, which briefly pulled our attention away from our activities. Dieter shook his head as if to dismiss it, then buried his face into my neck, muffling the noises he was making as he briefly covered my mouth with his hand to quieten the sounds still escaping my lips. I pulled his hand away and wrapped my legs around him as he resumed his quick, plunging movements. I could feel the tension building before coming undone around him. It took everything in me to stay quiet as I felt the rush of tingling electricity throughout my body. His thrusts grew more erratic as he felt me tighten around him. He soon spilled into me as he was rocked with his own orgasm.

He collapsed beside me, trying to catch his breath. I rolled over and cuddled into his side as he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face into my hair. We sat in silence. Within minutes, his breathing started to deepen as he fell asleep. I didn’t dare move. I didn’t want to wake him.

Thirty minutes or so passed when I heard crackling over a radio from somewhere in the trailer giving a twenty-minute warning for filming to resume. The sound didn’t disturb Dieter in the slightest. He was out cold. I hated to wake him, but knew I needed to. It took several shakes, but he finally woke up grumbling as he hugged me tighter. He finally rolled out of bed, and I followed. We quickly got dressed and attempted to make ourselves presentable.

“You look like a hot fucking mess,” I said as I eyed the smeared makeup on his face. It looked more like he had smeared and streaked the dirt on his face with his fingers rather than just being naturally dirty. He looked in the mirror and sighed.

“Oh well. Shit happens,” he shrugged before pulling me in for another kiss. A ten-minute warning crackled on the radio, followed by a knock on the door. Dieter moved to open it, allowing Rylee inside. She entered, then stopped, looking us both over with a smirk on her face.

She started laughing and shaking her head as she looked at Dieter more closely. She turned to me, “I think you may be hair and makeup’s worst nightmare.”

We all shook with laughter at her remark. There was no hiding it at this point, might as well laugh about it. Once we contained ourselves, Rylee held out a small bag.

“I figured you wouldn’t make it over to eat, so I grabbed some food for you. Dieter, walk and eat please. We gotta go.”

We thanked her as we headed out the door with sandwiches and drinks in hand.

Rylee was right, Dieter was swarmed by hair and makeup as soon as he got back to the filming location, and they were giving him a hard time about it. I made a mental note to avoid his face and hair in the future, or at least try to.

Filming went well into the early morning hours. I spent most of my time either watching them film or with Rylee showing me around. Once they wrapped for the night, we briefly stopped in at Dieter’s trailer to grab my bags, then a car took us to the secluded resort about thirty minutes away where the cast and crew were staying. We showered to rid ourselves of the outdoors which led to our second and third rounds of sex before crashing. Dieter didn’t seem to have any trouble falling asleep that night as our naked bodies lay tangled under the fluffy down duvet.

The 7AM alarm came early when you only managed to get about four hours sleep. We spent a few minutes in bed, just enjoying each other’s company and showering each other in affection. That was soon interrupted by Reylee’s call to make sure Dieter was awake and not “dicking around” because our car would be there soon. She held nothing back. Her filter worked about as good as mine.

We had to scramble to get ready to leave but managed to make it on time. Rylee met us in the lobby with coffee and muffins, which I was thankful for. Dieter’s muffin set untouched during the ride as he looked over his script. Rylee reminded him at least three times to eat. I eventually grabbed the muffin and shoved it into his mouth, which took him off guard.

“Well, that’s one way to do it!” Rylee said as we both snorted through laughter. Dieter didn’t seem to find it as funny. He looked slightly annoyed but took it from me and ate while he continued to look over his script.

Once we arrived, he immediately went off to hair and makeup. I wandered around to find a decent cell signal so I could use my mobile hotspot to get a little bit of work done. I found a nice spot at the top of a hill where I had a view of everyone at work filming. The cell signal would come and go, and I could now understand Dieter’s earlier frustrations. It seemed the remote area we were in was in the middle of a dead zone.

During the lunch break, I sat with Rylee as Dieter spoke with the director and producer about some scenes they would be filming soon. He was in pure chaos mode, a bundle of hyped-up energy, talking a mile-a-minute about an idea he had.

“He seems to be in better spirits now that you’re here,” Rylee said to me as I watched him gesture wildly with his arms.

“He actually got some sleep last night; I think that’s helped.”

“Yeah, and got rid of some of that pent up tension too, I’m sure.”

Rylee smirked as she took a sip of her water. I raised an eyebrow as it took me a minute to realize what she was referencing. Once I caught on, I rolled my eyes at her.

“You’re incorrigible. You know that? I think your filter might be more broken than mine.”

She beamed, clearly proud of herself. She glanced down at her watch, checking the time. The break was almost over, and he was still talking while everyone else around him finished up lunch.

“I swear, if he doesn’t start eating, I’m gonna choke him. I’ll be right back.”

I watched as Rylee went over to grab a plate of food and deposited it in his hands, giving him a chastising look as he took it from her. It didn’t faze him, he held it as he continued to talk.

She came to sit back down beside me.

“Has that been an issue with him, not eating?”

“Oh yeah, he gets wrapped up in the ‘creative process’ and forgets to eat.”

“Has that always been a thing?”

“Yes and no. He seems a little worse than normal this time around. I just figured he was trying to keep himself busy, so he doesn’t think about being away from you.”

I gave her a small smile but didn’t say anything. It bothered me that he was skipping meals because I knew how much that man loved food.

“He’s been fine otherwise though…right?”

I’m sure she could see the concern etched on my face.

“Yeah, I mean, I know he hasn’t been sleeping well, which isn’t really new. He’s been a little moody, but otherwise ok.”

I felt bad for even asking, but I had a feeling he wasn’t going to be completely honest with me if he was having a hard time.

Dieter finally ended his conversation and came over to straddle the bench seat facing me on my right side as he set his food down on the table. His left hand immediately came up to rest in my hair at the base of my neck to pull me in for a quick kiss. Rylee again reminded him to eat because he only had fifteen minutes left. He rolled his eyes and stuffed half a sandwich in his mouth with his right hand, giving her a sarcastic look. I leaned my head over onto his left shoulder while he continued to run his fingers through my hair. He carried on eating with his other hand, occasionally speaking to Rylee between bites. For the first time that morning, his chaotic energy finally seemed to ease down slightly.

I was able to spend more time with Dieter that afternoon. He had a few breaks while they filmed scenes he wasn’t part of. We spent those breaks alone in his trailer. While a lot of that time included more intimate activities, we were perfectly content to just be in each other’s company while he went over the script or napped. Both of which he did while cuddled into my side as I ran my fingers through his curls and lightly scratched his scalp with my nails. He complained when I let him fall asleep because that meant he was losing time with me, but we both knew he needed it.

My third day went much like the previous. It was a routine we had settled into. Dieter’s overall mood seemed to have improved, and he looked more rested than he had when I first arrived. Rylee seemed happy about that since he was less grumpy and more compliant than he had been.

That evening, filming wrapped early. The cast and crew were planning to hit up a local bar to blow off some steam. Dieter wasn’t planning to go, but Rylee encouraged it. Mostly because she didn’t want to go alone. We humored her and said we would make an appearance, even though we both would have much rather been alone in our suite for the evening.

When we arrived, we found an open space at the bar. Dieter and Rylee took the two open bar stools while I opted to stand for a bit. Dieter sat facing me, with one arm leaned on the bar. I stood in between his open legs, leaning against his shoulder as his hand rested on my hip. Rylee ordered some sort of fruity mixed drink while we both asked for water. If he wasn’t going to drink, then I wasn’t either. Rylee surprisingly didn’t question it, which I appreciated.

There was a steady flow of cast and crew that came over to chat with us. They all seemed nice enough and were very welcoming toward me. Then there was Chloe…We had been there for about an hour when she made her way over to chat with Dieter. She was clearly a few drinks in as her speech was starting to slur slightly. She came up behind him, slowly snaking her arm around his shoulders while saying “hello handsome” in the best sultry voice she could muster. She did all this, even though he was sitting there with one of his arms around me. I felt him lean forward into me as he reached to remove her arm from his shoulder. I turned to meet her gaze, confused by her brazen actions. She stepped away, giving an obvious pout as she finally realized I was standing there. She tilted her head like she was trying to sort out a puzzle, then reached out her hand to shake mine.

“I’m Chole, I don’t think we’ve met. Are you like his sister or something?”

The look of shock and confusion that Rylee, Dieter, and I gave her had to be almost comical. Was she really that dumb or just being a bitch? Based on the clueless stare she was giving me; I was going with dumb.

Rylee muttered, “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” just loud enough that I could hear her over the loud background music. Dieter leaned forward, trying his hardest not to laugh.

“No, definitely not my sister. That would make all the sex we’ve had the last three days a little weird. She’s actually the love of my life and the only woman I’m currently interested in.”

He gave her a wide smile. It took everything I had in me to control the laughter that was threatening to burst out. Rylee nearly choked on her drink and made no attempts to hide her giggles.

Chloe’s eyes grew large as she took in his response. Her cheeks tinged with red. She gave a tight smile, nodding in understanding before she awkwardly turned to walk away. All three of us burst out laughing.

“I cannot believe you said that to her,” I said to Dieter through my chuckles.

“Just trying to get the point across. The girl is not good at picking up hints.” He sighed, still looking amused, but it was clear that her behavior had been bothering him for a while now. “She probably won’t remember it tomorrow anyway.”

Dieter got up to go to the bathroom, so I took his seat. Rylee and I continued to chat as she turned her back to the bar to look over the crowd, expressing her dismay over the lack of suitable options for a one-night stand. I sat facing her, leaning on the bar with my head propped on my hand, laughing at the disgusted look on her face. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Tom and a group of guys at the end of the bar. They were very obviously looking our way, their lingering eyes occasionally being a bit too blatant. Internally, I was rolling my eyes and hoping they didn’t cause any trouble. I was startled by Dieter speaking up loudly from behind me, his voice tense and words clipped.

“The fuck you looking at?”

I turned to face him; he was clearly looking in the direction of Tom’s group. I didn’t see their reaction, but Dieter seemed satisfied after a moment as I reached to grab at his shirt and pull him over to me. I was attempting to distract him to avoid any further drama.

“Don’t pay any attention to them, they’re clearly drunk.”

He couldn’t stop a huff falling from his lips as his arms slid around my waist, eyes focused on mine. “Yeah well, they don’t need to be staring at you two like that,” he muttered.

“Don’t worry about it D., I think we can handle them,” Rylee added with a serious tone.

After a short while, the group got up and left the bar area. Dieter followed them with his eyes as they retreated to the upstairs area of the establishment. Once they were gone, he visibly relaxed within a few minutes, seeming to have forgotten about the exchange. He continued to chat with some crew members sitting close to us as Rylee pulled me out to dance. I felt a little out of my element. I was typically a few drinks in before I ever took to the dance floor, but I tried to let loose a little and have fun with her. I could see Dieter still seated at the bar, keeping a close eye on us, and occasionally smiling at our antics when our eyes met.

We were a few songs in when I felt someone come up behind me and wrap their arms around my waist. I immediately stiffened because I knew it wasn’t Dieter. When I turned to push them away, I saw it was one of the guys who had been in Tom’s group earlier. This was not going to go well. I tried my hardest to get rid of him before Dieter noticed, but he absolutely would not go away and only continued to get more handsy as I continued to resist. Rylee stepped in to intervene and he pushed her away, before grabbing onto my ass. I pushed away again, more roughly this time as I moved to walk away. When I turned, Dieter was right there in front of me, his eyes blazing with anger. Rylee and I had to step in to block him as he was about to throw a punch at the guy's face.

“Hey, hey, hey. Stop. Stop it!” I yelled as I hooked my arm around his when he was mid swing. There was no doubt in my mind that he could take the guy, but a fight was the last thing he needed. Especially with how short his fuse already seemed to be lately. Rylee was pushing backwards on Dieter’s chest while he yelled obscenities at the guy, who just stood there with a smug look on his face. It clearly only enraged Dieter more, causing him to keep pushing back against us to get to the guy.

“Dieter, stop it! It’s ok, I’m ok.”

“It’s not fucking ok. He has no right to touch you like that.”

“No, he doesn’t but we can deal with it another way. Just not like this, please.”

“You can kiss your fucking job goodbye. Don’t even show up tomorrow,” Dieter yelled toward the guy who shouted a quick, “Fuck you,” back at him.

Rylee and I pushed him toward the exit. Once outside, she called for our driver to pick us up. Dieter took off without a word and headed down the street, taking long strides as he seemed oblivious to his surroundings. The set of his shoulders was tense and tight, and I noticed his hands clench into fists repeatedly as he got further away from us. I moved to follow him, but Rylee stopped me.

“Just give him a minute.”

I bit my lip as I watched him disappear from sight. I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves. “Does he always fly off the handle like that?” I knew the answer before I had finished asking the question. During the time we had spent together in the past several months, I had never seen him respond in that way. He had never attempted to hit anyone or verbally attack them with anger. As pissed as he was when we ran into Justin, he stayed perfectly calm through that entire exchange.

“Like that? No. But I assume it’s just because it had to do with you,” Rylee responded.

A few minutes later our car pulled up and Dieter still hadn’t returned. We instructed the driver to head in the same direction he had walked earlier, hoping that we would find him. I spotted him sitting on a bench with his head in his hands and told our driver to pull over. Once the car was parked, I got out and walked over to the bench, taking a seat next to him. When he didn’t look up, I started rubbing slow circles on his back with my hand.

“You ok?”

He shook his head from side to side before sitting up straight, inhaling deeply as he looked around at nothing. His face was tense. I couldn’t tell if it was from anger or distress. He wouldn’t look at me.

“Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

He shook his head from side to side again while trying to control his breathing. His leg started to bounce as he continued to stare, unblinking, the dissociation palpable in the air. I felt like he was fighting off a panic attack. After hesitating for a moment, I stood up and climbed onto his lap, my legs straddling his thighs. I forced him to look at me, grabbing one of his hands and holding it to my chest as his eyes locked with mine. With my free hand, I reached for the hair at the base of his neck and rubbed him gently, just like I had done after the Anna incident. Immediately his body language changed, and I felt him lean into my touch, a barely audible sigh escaping from his lips.

“Tell me what’s going on.”

He shook his head slowly, searching for words. “I just… couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. I dunno. I think I blacked out for a minute.” He looked away as another sigh broke free from him. “I don’t even know what just happened.”

I pulled him in and hugged tightly around his shoulders. He buried his face into the crook of my neck as his breathing slowed. He held onto me tightly. I could feel the occasional twitching in his right hand.

“I’m sorry, I know I could’ve handled that differently,” he said eventually, his breath warm against the curve of my shoulder. “I just kinda snapped when I saw him grab you like that.”

I pulled back to look at him, running my fingers through the side of his hair.

“You’re fine. I understand why you were upset.” I leaned in, giving him a lingering kiss on his lips, then rubbed my nose against his.

“How about we head back to the resort and forget about this mess.”

He let out a small sigh before nodding in agreement. He stood as he kept his hand pressed against the small of my back, lifting me with him before gently depositing my feet on the ground. I took his hand, leading him in the direction of where the car had parked.

True to his word, Dieter made a few calls the next morning before we got to set. The guy, whose name turned out to be Craig, was fired. They didn’t want someone like that around, for obvious reasons.

We fell back into our routine after the incident at the bar. My remaining days with Dieter were passing by quickly, which only seemed to bring his mood down. He was spending less time preparing for filming and more time with me during his breaks. We never spoke of how much time we had left, but I could tell it was always at the forefront of his mind. It was clear in the way he would cling to me when we were alone, how he would also avoid any conversation about when I would eventually be flying home. I had given up on getting any of my remote work done during the last two days; the work mattered, but faded in importance compared to being present there with him. On top of that, the cell signal issues persisted, so I opted to take some time off for those days instead. It meant I got more time to watch Dieter in action. I was able to be near him, just off camera the entire time. He took full advantage of my presence between takes, coming over for an affectionate touch or kiss when he was able.

On the morning of my flight to LA, he woke me before either of our alarms went off. I had barely opened my eyes before I felt his hands roam over my body, his lips soft and warm as he trailed kisses down my neck from behind. Once I turned over towards him, his motions turned near frantic almost immediately as he met my lips for a deep kiss, his fingers sliding between my thighs where he found I was ready for him. Our kisses were urgent, our touches insistent. It was almost like we couldn’t get close enough. With the quick pace that he set from the beginning, neither of us lasted long. As soon as he felt me coming undone, he followed. He stayed propped above me, with his elbows on either side of my head, kissing me in between brief moments of letting his eyes dance across my face. I could feel him lightly threading my hair through his fingers.

“I’m not sure how many more times I can tell you goodbye like this. I fucking hate it.” His brows knitted together as he spoke. The emotion was clear on his face. He looked like he was about to break. I reached up to tangle my hands in his messy curls.

“I know baby, I do too. It’s just for four weeks though, then you get to come home for a few days.”

I tried my hardest to sound positive, but every fiber of my being was screaming in protest. Something felt off. Something was telling me to stay with him. I felt a tear slide down the side of my face while I fought with those emotions. I knew I was just being irrational because I didn’t want to be away from him. He wiped the tear away with his thumb and leaned down to kiss me, gently.

We were interrupted by the alarm on his phone going off. He reached over to grab it from the nightstand with a protesting groan as he pulled out of me. He turned the alarm off and set the phone next to my head as he settled above me again, continuing to kiss me deeply. But once again we were interrupted by his phone; it was Rylee with her usual morning call to make sure he was awake. He finally sat up to answer it. I could hear her reminding him of my flight details before he cut her off to say we had it all under control and he would see her later. He wasn’t usually so terse with her, so it surprised me a little. After he hung up, he let out a loud sigh and got up to go toward the shower.

I sat in bed a little longer before joining him, taking a moment because I could feel the panic rising in my chest. The little voice in my head kept screaming at me to stay with him. I needed to pull it together, for him. Me being upset was only going to make him more anxious. I finally drug myself up out of the bed to go shower. We both rushed to get ready. He had to leave before I did, but I still needed to pack up.

When I came out of the bathroom after drying my hair and getting dressed, Dieter was sitting at the edge of the bed with his elbows propped on his knees and palms rubbing at his eyes. When he looked up at me, his eyes were red and glossy.

“My car is here.”

I inhaled a deep breath and gave him a nod as I walked toward him. I pulled him into a tight hug.

“You’re gonna be so busy, the time will fly by. You probably won’t even notice I’m gone,” I said into his neck. He scoffed.

“I think we both know that’s not true.”

I gave him a tight smile as I pulled away to look him in the eye, “You call me when you’re having a hard time, yeah?”

He looked down and away from me as he gave me a small nod. His phone pinged, no doubt it was Rylee telling him to hurry it up. He leaned in for one last kiss before leaving.

I stood for some time, staring at the door I had just watched close behind him. I kept having a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this might be the last time I would see him, and it was freaking me out. It took everything in me to push those thoughts away so that I could focus on packing and making my flight.

In the days that followed, he called every time he was able, but most of our communication was done via text message. Which I knew he absolutely hated. About a week after I got home, there was a full day that I didn’t hear from him. I started to get a little worried, until I got a text message from Rylee later that evening saying that Dieter’s phone was broken, and he would call me from her phone later.

It was near midnight when my phone finally rang. I had been lying in bed for an hour, wide awake, hopeful that he was going to call. I know the relief had to be obvious in my voice when I answered.

“Please tell me you didn’t throw your phone into the river because it wouldn’t work.”

Dieter laughed, “No, actually I threw it at a stone wall because it wouldn’t work. It’s in pieces.”

I was a little taken aback by his response. I had only been joking.

“Dieter, that’s a little excessive.”

“Yeah, but it made me feel better for a few minutes.” He cleared his throat, voice slightly hoarse as fatigue laced through his words. “Until I realized I couldn’t text or call you at all after that.”

I wasn’t sure how to react to that. It seemed a little out of character for him.

“Rylee ordered another phone for me. It should be here tomorrow.”

“Well, at least you’ll get a replacement quickly.”

“Yeah, I’ll try to not break this one,” he said with a small laugh.

His voice sounded off. I wasn’t sure why, but it did.

“Are you doing ok?”

He took a moment to respond and I heard him gulp down something to drink. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? I’m fan-fucking-tastic.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“No. I’m fine.” More drinking sounds, then a sigh. “I mean, I miss you and I’m tired. That’s nothing new though.”

The phone disconnected with a beep. I got a text a minute later.

DIETER: Sorry, lost fucking signal again. Talk to you tomorrow. Love you.

“This fucking sucks,” I huffed out loud to myself. I sent him a quick goodnight text and tried to go to sleep.

In the weeks that followed, I could tell something was going on with Dieter when he would call. He always insisted that he was fine, and it was just all the usual things bothering him. However, he seemed to be growing more distant. The calls and texts were becoming fewer and farther between. It was making me beyond anxious. I was having a hard time focusing on anything, including work. I spent a lot of my time alone, staring at the tv without having any idea what was happening on the screen. I avoided talking to Lauren and Gabby because I knew they would sense something was up, and I wasn’t sure where to even begin explaining my concerns without violating his privacy.

After going a day and a half without hearing from him, I called Rylee to see if he was ok. She said he was normal during filming. Maybe even a little more excitable and obnoxious than usual. She added that he did seem somewhat withdrawn when it was just the two of them though. I asked her to call me if things didn’t improve with him. He was due to come home for a break in one week, so I was hopeful he would snap out of whatever funk he was in.

Around 10 PM that same evening, my phone lit up with an incoming call from Rylee. I suddenly felt sick. I knew something was wrong.

“Rylee?”

It took a moment before I heard her voice, as static and background noises seemed to drown her out at first. “Ummm, so Dieter is absolutely losing his shit on Tom right now. Do you think you can try to calm him down?” I had never heard Rylee truly agitated, but this time her voice was tense, laced with panic and concern.

My heart felt like it was beating in my throat as I gripped the phone tighter. “I can try- yes, of course. What happened?”

The screaming of two men in the background became louder, as if the phone was turned towards their direction, and I wondered if that was Rylee’s way of offering some further insight.

“Why can’t you just do what you’re fucking told? You’re gonna get someone fucking killed doing that shit,” Dieter yelled, his voice loud and distressed, the sound of it immediately conjuring up a visual of him with clenched fists and dark eyes like he had been that night at the bar.

“Fuck you man, go have a drink and calm the fuck down,” Tom spat back at him.

“Fuck you dude, she just almost got hurt because of you. You’re an asshole,” Dieter said with indignation.

“Guys! Stop yelling. Take a break,” a third male voice interrupted.

“I don’t know, something about a stunt that didn't go well. I didn’t see it, so I’m not sure. Hold on.”

I could hear Rylee trying to get Dieter’s attention away from Tom, telling him I was on the phone.

“Did you fucking call her?” He sounded pissed and combative, which was not a tone he normally took with her.

She didn’t answer his question. “Talk to her please.”

I could hear the phone jostling around before he answered, his voice still sounding gruff, “Yeah, what is it?”

“What is it?” For a moment I was stunned and didn’t know how to respond at how he snapped at me. “That’s how you're answering? What’s going on?”

He ignored my question and instead fired off one of his own, tension in his words. “Did she call you?”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to get Rylee in trouble.

“No, I called because I haven’t heard from you in almost two days. I wanted to check in.”

He scoffed. “Check in? I’m a grown ass man, I don’t need you two babysitting me.”

“Whhaa? No. That’s…that’s not what I…”

“Look, I’m busy,” he interrupted me before I could say more. “The stunt coordinator needs me. I’ll call you later.”

I was shocked into silence. I didn’t know how to respond. He had never spoken to me like that before.

Rylee got back on the phone, sounding clearly uncomfortable as she must have overheard Dieter. “Heeeey, umm. I don’t even know what to say. That was weird.”

“I don’t know what to say either. I think… I’m gonna come back up there. Maybe it’s because he’s not sleeping.”

Rylee seemed to sigh in relief, but quickly recovered. “I’ll get a flight set up for you.”

“No, I can do that. Just, keep him out of trouble. I’ll see if I can get one for tomorrow.”

We hung up after that. I had to take a minute to pull myself together. I couldn’t let myself fall apart right now. Once I had a minute to gather my thoughts, I walked to my home office and fired up my desktop so I could start looking at flights. It was near 1:30 AM when my phone started ringing on my desk, it was Dieter. I was honestly surprised that he called.

“Hello.”

“Hey.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to him after our earlier exchange. I was hurt and upset with him. For a moment there was silence between us, but then Dieter cleared his throat as he finally spoke.

“I think we need to talk.”

I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick. Those words were never good.

“I just booked a flight”, I said, trying to not grip the phone even harder than I was already doing, just to have something to hold on to. “I’m gonna come back up there tomorrow.”

“I don’t want you to do that.” His voice was tight as he strained to get the words out. It almost hurt me to listen. He didn’t sound right, not like this. Not like the Dieter I had known over the past months.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t think this is working. It’s…”, he seemed to search for words. I could hear him moving things around; something scraping over a hard surface, the sound of ice cubes in a glass. “It’s a burden and it's inconvenient. Just don’t waste your time.” His speech sounded slightly slurred.

I took a deep breath to calm myself as I leaned my forehead against my hand that was propped on my desk. “Dieter. Don’t do this…please. Have you been drinking?”

“That doesn’t matter. I told you; I don't need you to babysit me.”

“I’m not, I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on with you.”

He took a deep breath as if bracing himself. “Look, where we’re filming, you’re not gonna be able to work,” he said, words rushing this time. “Aubrey isn’t gonna keep putting up with you taking time off. It’s not gonna work. It’s just not working.”

“What does that even have to do with anything?”

“Nothing, it just compounds the problem.” I could hear ice clinking against glass followed by him swallowing gulps of a beverage.

I shook my head, frustration and fear both thumping hard within my chest. “And what is the problem exactly?”

“We’re incompatible. We shouldn’t have to rearrange our lives to be together. It’s not fair to either of us.”

“What happened to doing whatever it takes to make this work?”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure I said I’d do whatever it takes to make you happy and I am,” he nearly snapped at me, following it up with some words in Spanish that sounded like a curse. “You’ll thank me for it later.”

“No, you said you were all in for this. You’re just gonna give up because it’s hard? Because it's a fucking burden to you?”, I said in disbelief. I leaned back in my chair, shaking my head. I could feel anger bubbling to the surface at his comment. “You think it’s been easy for me? I thought we were in this together. Why do you think you get to choose for me? Let me come up there so we can talk through this.”

“You’re not listening, I don’t have time for you right now.”

“Are you using drugs or something?”

“Why does everyone keep fucking asking me that?!?!”, he yelled in frustration. I could hear him throwing things around in the background. “No, I haven’t used drugs in a long fucking time. I’m completely aware of what I’m doing and saying.”

“Maybe it has to do with the way you're acting. Did you ever consider that? And I’m sorry for fucking caring.”

“Look, I don’t know what else to say. It’s not working, ok? We tried and it didn’t work. There are better options that are less work. No more burdens or inconveniences.” He sucked in a deep breath. “I need you out of my mind. There’s too much going on with it. It’s a burden.”

He just kept talking in circles. Half of it sounded like nonsense.

“What are you even saying? You’re not making sense.”

“I’m saying we’re done,” he interrupted me, his words sharp and feeling like they were stabbing right into my heart. “I can’t do it anymore. Does that make sense?”

I inhaled sharply, realizing he was set on his decision. My head was pounding, too many moments flashing through my mind as I tried to hold it together. I tried to sort out my thoughts to understand how we suddenly had gotten to this, and how to get through to him without being pushed away.

“Why did you have to find me? I would’ve been fine if you’d just let me fucking go after New York,” I finally whispered.

My voice shook as I spoke. The tears started to fall from my eyes in a way that I had never before experienced. My vision was completely blurred by it. Dieter had gone silent on the other end of the phone, so quiet that I could barely hear him breathe. The line hadn’t disconnected, so I knew he was still listening. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me fall apart, so I hung up.

I stood, making my way to the bedroom. I crawled into bed and bawled my eyes out. I did so until the early morning glow started to show around the edges of the curtains. When I realized the new day was making itself known, I felt livid that I stayed up all night crying over him. Determined to find sleep, I got up and went to the kitchen in search of alcohol. I knew I had a few bottles hidden away. I found what I was looking for shoved to the back of one of the upper cabinets. I went straight for the hard liquor. Taking a few swings as I headed back to bed. I didn’t plan on getting wasted, I just wanted enough to knock me out so I didn’t have to think about him anymore. I settled back into bed and shot Aubrey a quick text to let her know I was going to take a few days off. I gave no explanation, and she didn’t question me. Once the alcohol had time to kick in, slowing my racing thoughts and helping me relax, I finally fell asleep.

A/N: All right ya'll... so that happened. Our sweet Dieter is officially in full spiral mode and it's about to get a little crazy for both of them.

Questions to consider:

What do you think is going on with Dieter?

How are we feeling about his behavior?

How long do you think this spiral has been building?

How do you think Talia is going to handle this turn of events?

How are you feeling about the new characters? (Rylee, Tom, Chole)

Predictions?

Once you have had a minute to digest and share your thoughts for this chapter, jump on over to this post for part one of Deconstructing Dieter Bravo. This is a companion series I plan to do for the remaining chapters so that we can get a little more insight into what's going on in that mind of his. 😉

The chapter playlist and mood board are included below.

Next Chapter

Tag List: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @for-a-longlongtime @hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring @partyofone3413 @cakipy-blog @pedrostories @titlee78 @poodlebae @guelyury @weho2kcmo

Let me know in the comments below if you would like to be added to the tag list.

#dieter bravo #pedro pascal #dieter x ofc #dieter bravo fic #Destiny & Deliverance Series #pedro pascal characters #dieter bravo x ofc #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #Pedro Pascal Fanfic #dieter bravo x oc #dieter bravo fluff #dieter bravo fanfiction #pedro pascal smut #the bubble #Spotify

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tineteenieworld3 · 1 year

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Coming on again to say I love the scene in El’s bedroom between El and Mike because of how neither of them are wrong or right.

People say that El shouldn’t have said Mike doesn’t understand because she’s seen him get bullied. But we can understand based on the info we’re getting from her POV that she’s not just talking about Lenora or the bullying. Mike doesn’t understand that she has absolutely no one to relate to. He doesn’t understand she grew up in a lab and was taken away from any normal civilization for eleven or twelve years. She didn’t even know what the word friend meant when they met. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to have people you love snatched away over and over again and die. Her mom, Hopper. That loneliness she must feel and constant fear of losing everything is unimaginable. No one understands that she really feels like she doesn’t have a place in the world because the world has been so cruel to her.

Mike’s not at fault for that. We know he cares and loves her, but he doesn’t understand at all what she’s going through or even trying to say in that moment. Even when getting bullied, Mike had friends, he had people around him he could talk to and who understood what it was like. And he’s trying to give her that support, but El isn’t communicating anything with him, we see him really trying to talk to her but she has her guard up and won’t even try to work with him. Of course, can we blame her? Mentally she’s probably not in that place. Also, she’s probably having issues trusting Mike because of the roller rink incident and we all know that what he said reminded her of Brenner which brought up a lot of trauma. Still not Mike’s fault though, and from his POV he knows absolutely nothing. He doesn’t know about Brenner or anything along those lines. He’s just desperately trying to figure it out.

It’s this frustrating scene because we’re supposed to blame Mike it feels like (after the love you stuff) but he’s just doing his best while ALSO trying not to lie. He won’t just tell her he loves her because he cares about her and doesn’t want to lie to her face. That wasn’t even part of their conversation though, El changed the topic and brought it up, shifting the conversation away from her lies and what happened at the roller rink to kind of ‘cornering’ him about not saying I love you. Like Mike wanted to talk about what happened and rink-o-mania and finally connect with her because he went through something she’s going through only to have her block him out and remind him that ‘no, they can never truly understand eachother.’

Mike’s also got his guard up the second she starts talking about the letters. He tries not to lie while also doing his best to remind her that she’s the shit. He’s trying and failing terribly because he doesn’t know her in the way he should, he doesn’t understand even a little bit what she wants. El wants to be seen and loved as who she is, she wants to not be made to feel stupid or like her feelings don’t matter. She wants to be human. Mike does not understand. The superhero line is a perfect example. ‘They’re nobody’s and you’re a superhero.’ Mike says exactly what she doesn’t want to hear. And it’s not his fault and it’s not her fault, they don’t get each other, they don’t ever communicate or have real meaningful conversations about just who they are. In their relationship they aren’t comfortable with eachother, so how on earth would ever of them know what to say?

It’s just a good scene when you dig into it and think about their individual perspectives. We can blame Mike, but we also can’t at all. We can blame El, but that’s also impossible.

I’m gonna keep going actually, because every soon after we see the apologies between Will and Mike. That scene is very close to the one with El and Mike. Once again, neither of them are wrong. But we are shown how differently that is handled. Mike is the one to start the conversation and to bring up what happened at rink-o-mania. But he doesn’t do it so timidly, he gets straight to the point because he knows exactly what to say and how to express himself while also knowing how to get Will to open up. The communication level is very advanced between those two, and I think we’re shown that to compare and contrast the two scenes. It’s super cool when you look at it that way.

Another thing I love is that when Mike starts talking to El, she doesn’t even acknowledge that he’s there. She keeps doing her task without making the slightest indication that ‘hey I’m busy but I’m listening.’ And Mike’s trying really hard to do what he does with Will here, even if it’s stunted and not as natural. He opens up, he expresses a more vulnerable side and all he gets is ‘no.’ From her.

With Will, almost the exact same thing. He comes in sits down while Will is doing something, but the difference is that Will very much acknowledges Mike’s presence from the first second he steps into the room, but then goes back to what he’s doing. Mike starts talking, Will interrupts him giving his own little opening/apology. This is the part I love though that reminds me of the El/Mike scene. When the conversation really kicks off and Mike starts being more vulnerable, Will completely stops what he’s doing and stares directly at Mike.

Idk I just think it’s so cool. All four characters here aren’t in the wrong or in the right and that’s what makes it so compelling. Even the tiny details tell us so much. When Mike’s trying to be vulnerable he really needs someone to give him that permission by kind of letting him know that they’re listening. Will knows that, of course he does they’re best friends. El doesn’t, but also she can’t even focus on him at all. She’s not selfish, but I don’t think she cares enough to in that moment. Can’t even blame her really, like the stress omg.

Anyway that was a long ass post of me just talking lmao

#byler

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essaysbyciara · 4 months

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float. | 01/12/24

Float.

Float into your loneliness, Sis.

Drown.

It’s allowing you to see that you’re looking out toward a shore littered with the wrong things.

In the world, in people, in yourself.

Your existence isn’t an indictment.

The problem you have at this moment is that you simply just want to be tolerated by someone. Tolerance isn’t a pretty thing. It reeks of hoping to be put up with because, if left to their own devices, they would see all the wrong that exists within you. The world is full of people with idiosyncrasies, with things that make their own souls wretch. Give yourself some grace. The world is indeed full of others drowning in the sea of their own makings and happenings. Give them grace. It ain’t intentional.

What are you looking for in community? Was it ever about feeling safe? What is safety? Are you safe? Are you … you? What is it about this season that calls you to change everything about who you are? Are you running from the person you created in order to survive? Do you not like her because she isn’t cool enough or agreeable enough or wanted enough or desired enough? Or are you tired of living as a person who wore the make-up of her trauma for damn near a decade and forgot about what it would be to live through that drama but not stuck?

Through the waters, through the rivers, through the fires. Not stuck. Through.

You won’t drown nor be burned in this journey of renewed self-discovery. Living in the present, not living through your past. You aren’t just the girl dragged to a sleepy city by forces not then known – through the death and resurrection of the flesh-breathed body of your Creator. You weren’t just a girl trying to survive in places where it felt as if no one knew you. Where you regressed into a teenager trying to find her way through the hallways without being judged and picked on.

You’re thirty-six now. You were twenty-five then. Then thirty. Then thirty-three. You hit your so-called ‘Jesus year’ during a time when the entire world shut down. So did you. It gave you a moment to see what life would be like if you took care of self and got out of your own way. Then life picked back up. Knocked on your door like the reaper collected bodies for heaven’s newest class. Except it was hell and your body couldn’t handle it anymore. You finally crashed and burned.

You burned bridges. You left the pathways to the places that wanted so bad to be a refuge for you in dust and ruin. Never again will they give someone a chance.

Sis, you’re not that powerful. And grace was – and is – sufficient. They know you’re hurt.

Do you know you’re hurt? Is that why you’re seeking out acknowledgement in the places that you need a break from? The algorithm and timeline isn’t real. These parasocial relationships cannot save you. Only the Creator can save you by saving you from yourself. That’s why you need to disappear. You needed a reminder.

Feel the waves of your loneliness. They won’t last long.

#i write sometimes #i'm an essayist on the other side of the internet

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taivansupremacy · 2 years

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pancakes for dinner

Summary: Nancy is flying back to Hawkins from Emerson for her fall break. One problem: she’s terrified of flying. In a panic, she calls Robin to help her calm down, but ends up confessing to way more than her fear of flying.

Word Count: 2,985

A/N: I love lizzy mcalpine can you tell? lol this fic is based on pancakes for dinner by lizzy mcalpine and it's linked in this post if you want to listen as you read. i’m super proud of this fic and i hope you guys like it!

CW: feelings of anxiety

Nancy trained her eyes ahead of her as she rolled her purple suitcase, clad with a single “handle with care” patch sewn into the top right corner, courtesy of Robin, behind her. She walked quickly as she scanned the gate signs, searching for her gate number plastered on the wall by one of the many large waiting areas. She was nervous, to say the least. She was flying home to Hawkins from Boston for her fall break and it was her first time flying by herself. She flew to Boston with her parents, Mike, and Holly to move her in at Emerson, and it was so chaotic that she almost wished that she went by herself. Now, though, she’d take Holly’s screaming, Mike’s attitude, and her parents’ fighting in place of the loneliness and anxiety that flying alone has already brought her, even before she boarded the plane.

It’s not that she wasn’t excited to go home. She was excited to see her family, specifically her mom, and eat a home cooked meal instead of dining hall food. She was excited to catch up with Steve, Eddie, and Jonathan and tell them about her semester so far. She couldn’t wait to see Joyce and get one of her famous hugs. But even more than all of that, she couldn’t wait to see Robin.

The two had grown close through fighting Vecna and even closer in the aftermath. Even with all of the volunteering, sorting through boxes for charity at home, and studying, Nancy could not keep herself busy enough to keep her mind off that night. Her encounter with Vecna still showed up in her dreams. Images of herself, Robin, and Steve pinned to the wall for hours often crossed her mind, the fear and hopelessness that she felt that night often crept up on her again, both in sleep and wakefulness.

Nancy knew, even as stubborn as she was, that she needed someone to lean on, but she had no idea who to turn to. She didn’t want to talk to Steve or Eddie and she wasn’t comfortable with dumping her own trauma on top of her kid brother’s, though she knew he’d understand. The only person that she could think to talk to was Robin. Sweet Robin, who let Nancy in when she showed up at her door with tears already staining her porcelain cheeks. Sweet Robin, who took Nancy into her bedroom and held her as she sobbed. Sweet Robin, the only one who could get Nancy to open up about how she’d been feeling since the “earthquake”.

From there, the girls were inseparable. They had sleepovers, volunteered together, Robin showed Nancy new music and made her mixtapes, and Nancy taught Robin how to crochet. They shared books and called each other every night before bed and in the middle of the night if they had nightmares. They were best friends, even beyond their shared trauma.

Sure, they still hung out with their group, but Robin and Nancy always sat a little closer to each other than everyone else and often communicated with just looks amongst the others. Eddie often called it their “creepy telepathy thing”. Their connection was simply different than everyone else’s- deeper than everyone else’s.

Nancy guessed that she should have seen it coming, falling for Robin. She couldn’t imagine that there were many people whose knees wouldn’t buckle at the sound of her laugh or who wouldn’t nearly drown in those ocean blue eyes. Nancy wishes that she could pinpoint the moment that she knew she was in love with Robin Buckley, but looking back, she could only find a collection of moments in which the love in her heart, reserved only for the sandy haired, freckled girl, grew larger than it was previously. She saw glimpses of Robin’s toothy grin when she made one of her stupid jokes or sarcastic quips, Robin’s eyes staring into hers as she talked her down from a panic, and every time that Robin called her “Nance” in that raspy voice of her’s. She fell for Robin gradually, slowly.

She buried it deep inside when she finally accepted her feelings, using the excuse that she was leaving for college soon anyway. She thought her crush would fizzle out with the distance, but it didn’t. Of course it didn't. She spent about 90% of her two months in Boston wishing Robin was there or thinking about her, so she finally decided that she had to tell her when she was back in Hawkins for fall break.

It wasn’t that Nancy didn’t like Boston, either. Sure, she missed Robin and her friends, but living in Boston was good for her. She didn’t have the fear of sudden tragedy looming over her at every turn. She met a good group of friends and kept up with her studies. It was almost perfect, except for the fact that she wished Robin was there with her. The girls called every night, much to the annoyance of Nancy’s roommate, but it wasn’t the same. She wanted to show Robin around campus and take her to the stupid little parties that her friends made her go to. She wanted to sleep at Robin’s dorm when her own roommate got to be a bit to much for her. She often wished that Robin was there to study with and accompany her on midnight snack runs.

Her new friends were great, of course, but none of them held a candle to Robin. They couldn’t calm Nancy down in a crisis like Robin could. They couldn’t make her laugh until she was doubling over, red cheeked and unashamed. If Robin had moved to Boston with her, everything would have been perfect.

She tried to fill the Robin-sized hole in her heart with boys, dates, hookups, attempts at a relationship that’d last more than a week, but Nancy quickly gave up. She realized that she was chasing the feeling that only Robin could give her- that she was searching for her laugh, her unique wit and sense of humor, and the same splay of freckles in every guy that she tried to lose herself in.

Nancy quickly came up on a plaque on the wall with “D3” etched into it. She had found her gate. The waiting area was full of travelers, families going on vacation, single flyers, couples going home to meet the family, and people just like her, going home for Emerson’s upcoming break to see loved ones. Nancy couldn’t help but think that the differing stories of all of the travelers in just her gate alone were amazing, beautiful, even. She allowed the thought to consume her for a moment before her panic set back in. She was alone. Unlike most of the people that she observed so far, she didn’t have anyone to share music with on the plane or play I Spy with as she waited for the announcement that they could board the plane.

She took a seat on the floor, her back against the wall and her suitcase in front of her. She gingerly thumbed the patch on the front, recalling Robin’s words as she sewed it on.

“So they’ll know to handle you with care while I can’t be there with you.”

She remembered asking Robin who “they” were and giggling about the silliness of it all, but now, alll she could feel were the tears prickling at her eyes as she looked up from the bag to her fellow travellers. In her loneliness, she found her mind running to the worst case scenario: the plane crashing. She’d always been afraid of flying, so thoughts such as that were not uncommon for Nancy pre-flight, but this was the first time that she didn’t have her mother to hold her hand at the gate or as they took off. She didn’t have anyone to talk her down, so she spiraled.

Her head spun as worst case scenarios floated arround in her head. Every look around her was a painful reminder of how alone she was, She almost wished she could just turn around and go home. She could spend her break in her dorm room. She didn’t need to have a home cooked meal or a hug from Joyce. She could wait until Thanksgiving to see her friends, right? Just as she was about to get up and march right out of that airport. She saw it.

A payphone, hung on the wall in the gate across the from her’s. She ran to it with her suitcase in tow as she swiped at her stray tears with the back of the sleeve of her cardigan. Fishing four quarters out of her purse and inserting them into the designated slot, Nancy lifted the receiver off of its cradle and dialed the first number that came to mind.

The phone rang four times before the line crackled.

“Hello?” Robin’s sweet voice came through the receiver and all of the tension in Nancy’s body melted.

“Oh, thank god, Robin!” As soon as Nancy opened her mouth, her tears started up again and a sob wracked her chest, “I-I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean, Nance?” Robin asked, her voice laced with gentle concern. Nancy knew her tone well. She’s heard it everytime that Robin’s had to talk her off the edge, “I thought you were coming home today.”

“I am. I’m at my gate a-and I’m supposed to be boarding in 30 minutes, but I’m so scared and I just wanted to hear your voice. Wh-what if my plane doesn’t land safely and I never make it home? There are too many things that I want to do. I-I have so much that I need to say to you before I die.”

“Nancy… Where is this coming from? You’re worrying me a bit there, Wheeler.”

Nancy could picture it in her mind. Robin sitting in her kitchen, phone pressed to ear as her beautiful features twisted into a frown, a crease forming between her eyebrows, as it always did when she was upset or focused.. It was Saturday morning, which meant that she was probably in her sweatpants and one of her many oversized band shirts or maybe even the Emerson shirt that Nancy bought her before she left for college. The thought made her tummy tingle. She wished more than anything that she was there with her to see for herself.

“I’ve never flown alone before,” She admitted as she chewed on her lip, tears freely falling, “I’m so afraid of flying, but usually I have my mom here to ground me. Which is stupid because I’m 18 years old and I should be able to fly on a plane by myself. I also have something that I need to do when I get home and I’m nervous about it, which I think is making my current situation worse…” She chuckled humorlessly, kicking her foot on the patterned carpet below her feet.

“You’ll be okay, I promise,” Robin assured, “ You’ll get home and I’ll squeeze you tight and you’ll get to do the big scary thing that you’re worried about. We’ll all be here waiting for you and we’ll all be so proud of you cor conquering your fear. Then we’ll go hang out by Skull Rock and smoke with Eddie to celebrate your homecoming. Everything will be okay, promise.”

A hot tear slipped from her eye once again. It was amazing the weight that Robin’s words held for Nancy. The way that she could talk her off the edge like no one else could. The way that her voice alone sounded like a warm hug. Nancy knew that she was right and that in about three hours, she would be in Hawkins once again, bearing her soul to the girl she loved. But a small part of her brain was still screaming at her, convincing her that she wouldn’t make it home, that disaster would strike.

“C-can I tell you something?” Nancy blurted without her own permission, “You know, just in case I don’t make it home?”

“Nance-” She started, getting ready to protest and probably reassure her that she would be okay, yet again.

“Indulge me, please?”

“Okay. What’s up Wheeler?”

Nancy took a breath, savoring the moment. She knew that what she was about to say could change everything, possibly for the worse, but she also knew that she would never forgive herself if something happened to her and she never got to tell Robin how she truly felt, how much she meant to her.

“Listen, I don’t want to be too forward or anything but…” She paused, suddenly losing her nerve, “How’s fall semester going so far?”

“Huh?” Robin chuckled, “That's what you wanted to ask me in case you…” She stopped herself, thinking better of saying the words out loud, “You know how the semester is going, Nance. I told you about it just yesterday on the phone before bed. What’s this really about?”

Nancy Wheeler never got scared, unless she was faced with planes and Robin Buckley, apparently, but in all other ways, she was practically fearless, almost to a fault, though Robin never treated it that way. She reminded herself of this fact before she opened her mouth to speak again, internally promising herself that she wouldn’tt chicken out like she did just a second ago.

“Like I said, I don't want to cross any lines or anything. You mean so much to me Robin… I couldn’t stand to upset you.” She paused to muster up her last bit of courage, “Do you remember when you and I hijacked Eddie’s kitchen and made pancakes for dinner by ourselves while they slept on the couch?”

Robin chuckled, the sound could bring Nancy to her knees.

“Yeah, we ate them on the floor in the kitchen and swapped embarrassing stories. We woke them up because we laughed so hard. They were so mad,” She laughed again. It made Nancy feel warm, “That was the night before you left for Boston… What does that have to do with what you wanted to tell me?”

“You said that you loved pancakes and you looked at me and fed me a piece on your fork, remember?” Nancy chewed the inside of her cheek as she waited.

“Yeah,” Robin’s tone was fond, almost wistful.

“I wanted to tell you then, just how much you meant to me, how I want to be kiss you and hold your hand, and brush your hair out of your face without making it weird, but I didn’t. I just shoved more pancake in my mouth and kept myself from looking at you too closely because you looked so beautiful, even with syrup on your cheek, and I wasn’t going to be able to shut my mouth if I saw those crystal clear blue eyes of yours up close.” There’s a beat, “I just… thought you should know that before I get on this plane and it potentially crashes.”

It is only in the silence did Nancy truely realize what she’d done. She knew that Robin was gay, she’d found out at Steve’s house during movie night, when Robin, high off some of the weed that Eddie brought, gushed about how hot Julie Christie was in Dr.Zhivago. So that’s not what she was worried about. She thought about how much Robin meant to her outside of her crush- as a friend. How if Robin decided that it would be too weird to stay friends with someone that had a crush on her, she would lose her nightly phone calls and tight hugs. She would lose hearing Robin laugh at her own dumb jokes and the way she sounded in the morning, right as she woke up. She would lose the pancakes for dinner that Robin promised her over the phone last night when she returned home.

Nancy’s heart sunk. As the silence stretched on, she found herself wishing that she had just left it alone and suffered in silence. Then, she’d still have Robin. She’d get her perfect fall break with her by her side, sleepovers in her basement and movie nights cuddled into her side. She was stupid for even thinking that Robin would like her in the same way. She took a long breath, deciding that the silence had gone on for long enough.

“Rob… I understand if you don’t-”

“I love you too.”

Nancy was stunned, “W-what?”

“I love you too, and that night is so special to me. Sometimes when I missed you, I’d make myself some pancakes. It was stupid, but it reminded me of that night and of you.” She chuckled and Nancy’s heart swelled, “I can’t tell you how many times I ate pancakes on our nightly calls.”

Nancy wished she was there to see the smile on Robin’s face, to hold her face in her hands and lean in and kiss her, but she’d waited long enough. She could wait another 2 hour flight. Nancy was worth waiting forever for.

“I just… I have so much to tell you,” Nancy quietly laughed, just because she was so unashemedly happy.

“We can talk when you get home. When the plane lands safely, okay?” Nancy nodded, though Robin couldn’t see her, “I have so much to tell you too, but for now, try to have a relaxing flight. I’ll see you soon, Nance.”

“See you soon, Rob,” Nancy responded with a cheek-numbing smile as the line went dead. She hung up the phone and made her way back across to her gate, right as the boarding announcement for her flight was made.

She boarded the plane with a new lease of life and the excitement of seeing Robin again, her previous worries melted away, replaced with only thoughts of the sandy haired, freckled girl that was waiting for her in Hawkins.

#robin buckley #nancy wheeler #ronance #robin x nancy #nancy x robin #robin buckley x nancy wheeler #nancy wheeler x robin buckley #ronance fanfic #ronance fanfiction #maya hawke #natalia dyer #stranger things fanfic #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things #Spotify

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hekateinhell · 1 year

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so why do you think Armand and Lestat never actually went there? Even as just a doomed fling? Was anne just too into Armand being forever sad and pining? Was their hook-up the line she drew as the interconnecting relationships between this relatively small group of characters got more and more incestuous? was it a way to keep them on more equal footing as rivals? (not that they were EVER allowed to be equals with how Anne felt about Lestat, but you know) Or maybe it was the opposite and she never wanted Armand getting the power boost from Lestat's blood?

That's so hard to say!

I think for Armand (Anne through Armand, bear with me), Lestat was always The One That Got Away. In more than an amorous sense. But Armand's certainly still able to love him and be there for him and be around him; it did take a minute though.

Unfortunately for both of them, a lot of Armand's traumas came to nest in Lestat. And on Lestat's side, even accounting for the good--there's too much in common in terms of the abuses they've suffered and the numerous bad qualities they share. Lestat is not one to handle seeing his worst traits and his tormented past reflected right back to him.

We know how Armand feels about Lestat, and Anne has said that Lestat loves Armand deeply. As to why she never touched on it, she never spoke to that, and so we can only hypothesize. Anne obviously enjoyed writing them, seeing as she maintained that thread from TVL to BC! Armand does get to drink from Lestat at the end of TVA (because Lestat allows him to).

Personally, I think the A/L dynamic is all the richer for never having actually tipped over that precipice--there's nothing in VC like it! They do kiss a few times, they both admit to loving each other on paper, but it's still so ridiculously and deliciously complex and heightened. It is as good as it is for never having gone there.

Frequently in literature I feel that once a romantic relationship has been canonically established, it intends to inform a lot of the character development going forward one way or another--even if it doesn't last. It's not a one-and-done PWP that you can then remove from your universe and reset your characters.

I only say this because it is unlikely either Lestat or Armand would have survived a shared breakup... I mean, look at them. The only question is who would've instigated the murder-suicide. I work out my ship needs in fic while being thankful I never lost the allure of what drew me to them (separately and together) in canon.

Armand yearns, it is his nature! I remember seeing someone say somewhere, "If Louis is depression, then Armand is loneliness." But I don't get the sense he's actively pining for Lestat when he's with Louis and Daniel.

I do think Armand absolutely does idealize Lestat while craving his approval and affection in the manner he was trained to by Marius and the cult in order to survive.

Armand obtains this from Louis (Trinity Gate) and Daniel (RoA), but it doesn't seem like he ever fully knows where he stands with Lestat, and that's not something someone like Armand can cope with. It touches on an old festering wound; he then lashes out and Lestat retreats accordingly (which is the exact same behavior Lestat himself exhibits, whoops).

I do love this scene at the end of Blood Communion where Lestat, dancing with Louis and celebrating his newfound family, shares this little silent communication Armand in the second-to-last page:

I looked at Armand. He was splendidly attired in burgundy velvet, himself once more, his fingers covered with jeweled rings as he clapped along with the others. I could not quite believe the calm, accepting expression on his face, but then he nodded. It was just a small nod, a nod no one else would have noticed, but I saw it and I saw him smile again.

And I think it says a lot about how they have come to view each other and the evolution of their relationship by the very end of the Chronicles--it only took 236 years to get there.

#listen. i love them.#i have had time to think about it since 2007.#dear god lmao i'm on two hours of sleep and i'm noticing all the spelling & grammar errors here my bad y'all #you ask and hekate answers #mildly meta #vc #armand/lestat #armand #lestat de lioncourt

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cerseiwexler · 8 months

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🍍 🍋 🍊 🍆 🥔 🥑 🍌 + Beatriz

🍍 [PINEAPPLE] Pineapple on pizza or not?

she doesn't eat pizza much (it isn't even really available in her area for the first part of her life) but when she does it does NOT have pineapple on it.

🍋 [LEMON] What is their kryptonite/ultimate weakness?

i mean, i hesitate to call it a weakness instead of like, an unfortunate circumstance since there aren't real treatments of it for a lot of her lifetime, but definitely the thing that affects her ability to achieve her goals most is her bipolar disorder. which is partially personal bc i didn't have my own diagnosed until way too late and lost out on a lot of things bc of it; i'm def trauma projecting a bit w/ her. i find it very difficult to get things done when manic or depressed for varying reasons, so for that reason, so does she lol

🍊 [ORANGE] Does your OC have a prophecy surrounding them? If they don't, what would it be?

kind of!!! her great-great-great-grandmother committed a fateful act of murder/cannibalism, and ever since then, none of her maternal descendants have lived within the bounds of the law. it's not a formal prophecy so much as a repeating pattern, but it certainly is continued with her

🍆 [EGGPLANT] How are they used by others? How easily are they tricked into this?

not very easily whatsoever. her bullshit detector is strong and she's stubborn as a mule. she also has a strong sense of doing for others in her community what she would want done for her, so there isn't reason for many people to use her; she's willing to do things for them in exchange for simple gestures or favors

🥔 [POTATO] What do they have that others see as a flaw, but they don't care about?

her loneliness later in life. she stays up in her creaky old house and that's the way she likes it. her family visits sometimes, and the occasional check-in by family friends, but that's enough social interaction for her.

🥑 [AVOCADO] What will they never back down about, even if it makes them seem bad?

killing the sheriff was 100% right. no remorse here lol

🍌 [BANANA] Have parts of your OC been lost to time (in-universe)? What do they wish they could lose from themselves?

i think she's pretty much made peace with who she is, flaws and all; i'm not sure she would want to lose anything from herself. but she's definitely not got much of the hopefulness she once felt as a kid. she used to be quite optimistic, but that got turned into the simple notion "i can handle this" as she navigated life w/ grim determination

#my ocs #aworldofyou #aaaaa ty for the ask! miss b gets sm development because of you

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songmingisthighs · 2 months

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Bfjsisbs KIJOONG IS SO PRECIOUS THE BABY

Yeosang and Wooyoung BOTH clapping back at HJ is everything to me rn cuz Yeosang is right, the toddler has more emotional maturity than his father 😩 I legit only want them together at this point cuz of Kijoong- he needs his yn.

I know yn had just run off after.blocking him but I don't think anyone blames her. Hj purposely used her own trauma against her, intentionally hurting her in the harshest way he knew how just because he couldn't handle his own damn emotions. Like that's so heavily toxic especially cuz he don't even realize how shitty that is. Of course she cut off contact with you so quickly, you through the death of a child she mourned GREATLY into her face just cuz you can't handle your own jealousy or say something about it. I'd cut people out permanently if they did that triggering sh*t like damn, especially on PURPOSE.

High key he needs a serious redemption arc, no amount of loneliness or victim blaming is going to get him yn and if it does then nvm she stupider than I thought 🤡

Woo come beat some delicious boots plsssss

at this point wbn!hj's stupidity had spread to (y/n) that's why she's a spineless evader. i'm not justifying wbn!hj but she's doing something she had chastised hj over which is speaking his feelings like okay he hurt her but she promotes communication until she's in thr receiving end. I stand by my statement that she could've told him that he was being an ass and she's gonna take time away from hid dumbfuckery before she shoves a hot rod up where the sun don't shine. do as you preach but mayhaps she's more "if you can't do, teach" type of person which is not that great either. but point is both were being stupid bc if we're talking about trauma, hj had one that's also bad and unlike (y/n) he couldn't leave his job and son for 6 months before deciding to return

#smt answer #anon ask

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foraged-obscurities · 4 months

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Things I’ve learned in 2023:

1. I would rather adjust my life to their absence than adjust my boundaries to their disrespect.

2. When seeking advice, go to the person with the wisdom of that lived experience, not the one with knowledge of the topic.

3. Always cook the pasta longer than the box says.

4. The angrier a man is, the more he is in need of a good cry. Handle your emotions appropriately, not how society has permitted and excused.

5. In adolescence, we disrespect our mothers more than anyone else because she was the only one that exemplified unconditional love.

6. Most of my childless friends would make better parents than the ones that are choosing to have children.

7. If you were loved by everyone, you wouldn’t like yourself/ what you had become.

8. For a lot of people, there will come a time when they view their parents as vulnerable children in need of guidance and love.

9. If a majority of women like something, society will condemn it.

10. Instead of walking the dog with a purpose, let their nose lead the way, it’s more of an adventure, and their mind will get the stimulation it deserves.

11. A small matcha and a seltzer will give you the same energy as two cups of coffee without the unwanted jitters.

12. Keep in touch with your younger friends, you have more to learn from them than they have to learn from you.

13. Trauma bonding has been given a bad rep, but for a lot of people it helps us heal while seeking community.

14. Everyone is hero, a villain, and a victim in someone’s story.

15. Feminine rage is not portrayed justly in media, it is most often silent and internalized, we are not given the privilege of tantrums the way men are.

16. There is a difference between solitude and loneliness, men should fear this when it comes to dating.

17. Revenge can feel like unrequited love, most do not deserve the satisfaction.

18. Women fall in love with people the more time they spend with that person, men fall in love in their absence.

19. The less you dress for the male gaze, the more you seem to attract it.

20. 50% of the American population has narcissistic tendencies, trust a person on the spectrum to weed them out, they have a knack for it.

21. Emotional consideration is necessary for logic.

22. Douche bag comedian Matt Rife turned out to be a prick *shocker* and he sent a woman a face tuned dick pic.

23. When complaining about the struggles of the women of my grandparents generation, they always forget to highlight that they couldn’t even have their own credit cards/ bank accounts.. makes you wonder what could’ve been worse than not being able to have that kind of security.

24. Unless it’s absolutely necessary for your health, get rid of your scale. Or at least hide it when you have company over, you never know who is struggling. Also, weight fluctuation is NORMAL.

25. People are less likely to take women’s pain seriously when they masturbate to it.

26. “We live in our own reality” is just a kinder way to say that we all have our delusions.

27. Empathy/ emotional intelligence should be the gauge of inferiority/superiority. But we don’t acknowledge it because humans would likely not rank on that scale.

28. A lot of neurodivergent people need to have a safety person that they can vent to about another person’s wrongdoings in order to make sure that person is being held accountable. We often undermine ourselves and an outside opinion can bring about clarity and closure.

29. When someone leaves an abusive situation, don’t apologize, congratulate them.

30. Save the water you rinse your rice in, dunk your hair in it after you’ve showered, you won’t regret it.

31. If you still have butterflies in your stomach after hanging out with someone for 3+ months.. RUN. Your gut is trying to tell you something because your brain is clouded by hormones.

32. Therapy can be just as damaging as the experiences you’re trying to heal from, and talk therapy is only one step, it is not the solution.

33. Men know exactly what weaponized incompetence is when a woman needs something from them, but only then.

34. Radicalized against a capitalist system just means you’re humanized.

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multiverseofmiracleshq · 1 year

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For the whole history of NEBULA please click here.

← ONCE THERE WAS AN IDEA TO BRING TOGETHER →

Home was never something Nebula had. All she had death, torment and a loneliness that almost permanently ruined her. Now, things are different. Nebula hasn’t found a home on Knowhere, she’s making one. It’s taken time and effort, but the planet truly is becoming a place she’s proud of. It’s also a place that Nebula plans on settling down on for a while, but Quill’s call has delayed that a little. Nebula’s journeyed to Earth along with the other former Guardians to try and help the seriously struggling planet. While she doesn’t like Earth, she is familiar with it due to the time she spent helping the Avengers during the Blip. There are worse places one can be. Barely.

← A GROUP OF REMARKABLE PEOPLE TO SEE IF THEY →

✗ GAMORA (MCU) went from a bitter enemy to the sister Nebula cares for deeply. Losing her was hard. Getting her back has been hard as well, because while this version of her sister is Gamora, she’s not Gamora. Not the Gamora she grew close with, at least. The two have a fine thing going right now. They stay in communication to the extent that when Nebula asked Gamora to come to Earth, she obliged. Even if it’s different, Nebula’s just glad to have her sister. It’s all she’s ever wanted.

✗ PETER QUILL (MCU) loved Gamora, too. Losing her was hard on both of them, but Nebula handled it better. Or, at the very least, less drunkenly. Even without Gamora, Quill’s a part of her family and always will be. He’s not anyone she ever imagined being close with. He’s an idiot, to say the least. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s got a heart of gold and is loyal as can be. Nebula will always have his back.

✗ ROCKET RACCOON (MCU) and Nebula were the only two Guardians who weren’t reduced to ash after Thanos snapped his fingers. The five years without their friends were incredibly difficult and each coped in their own way. Even though everyone is back now, Rocket and Nebula will always share half a decade of trauma that the others can’t understand.

← COULD BECOME SOMETHING MORE →

✗ THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY RESERVES (MCU) → Resigning from the team to build up Knowhere felt like a natural choice for Nebula. She found a family she never thought it was possible for her to have. Learning that she didn’t have to always be alone was hard to swallow, but Nebula knows she’d be lost without the team. They helped her grow, now she can help others to grow as well.

✗ OTHER AFFILIATIONS– resident of knowhere

← & IF WE CAN’T SAVE THE WORLD, WE’LL AVENGE IT →

✗ AGE → unknown ✗ MULTIVERSE ORIGIN → mcu ✗ SPECIES → luphomoid ✗ ETHNICITY → up to player ✗ SECRET IDENTITY→ no dual ✗ RELATIONSHIP STATUS → open ✗ FACECLAIM → evan rachel wood ✗ AVAILABILITY → taken

← FUN FACTS →

body was “enhanced” and altered by thanos

always wanted a sister while gamora only wanted to win

has an arm upgraded by rocket

survived the blip

#nebula #Guardians of the Galaxy #independent #earth199999 #taken #taken female #gotg 3 spoilers #gotg spoilers

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through-uchechis-eyes · 1 year

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Predator meet Prey

The Lake was an interesting addition to the class syllabus, as far as it being a part of the Black horror aesthetic. There were definitely Black people in the short film, but it’s progression of plot and how it handled matters was different than majority of the material that we’ve already covered so far in class. Abbie LeFleur buys the secluded lakehouse in a new town because she’s running away from something that she did in her old town. The viewers are able to infer that Abbie more than likely had an inappropriate relationship with one of her students and that’s why she was forced to leave. Although Abbie is told not to go into the lake, she insists, and continues to swim in the lake even after it begins to turn her into a monster like creature. The Lake turns her into a creature, and as the story progresses, the nature of the creature begins to consume her.

Abbie becomes a creature that can breathe underwater and she eventually lures one of her new students, from the new school that she’s teaching at, to her place under the guise of doing repairs. Not only is Abbie lusting after him, but the monster in her wants to eat him. That’s ultimately how the film ends, with her eating him. The commentary on the predatory nature of women with young boys is rarely addressed in the media. It’s more often that you’ll find a story being told about the predatory nature of men toward young women. Young boys aren’t always taught to view romantic or flirty attention from older women as a bad thing. To them, and in their circles, they are applauded and given a pat on the shoulder if they come back saying that they’ve been with an older woman. It’s not until they get older and someone outside of their immediate circle has an opposing reaction to their stories that they start to really understand the gravity of the situation, and sometimes the trauma behind admitting that they were sexually assualted is even too much for them and they continue to deny it.

This theme of predatory women is also found in “Loneliness is in Your Blood” and “Greedy Choke Puppy”. They use their power to prey on the people in their community in order to satisfy themselves and their hunger. In “Loneliness is in Your Blood” the succouyant initially sleeps with some of her victims and then proceeds to drink their blood, and when that’s not enough for her, she escalates to sucking their blood dry. She needs their blood to stay youthful, and she becomes obsessed with that feeling up until she gives birth to a baby succouyant. Then she has to teach the baby how to survive, and the cycle ultimately continues. In “Greedy Choke Puppy” the succouyant preyed on the young, but she was filled with so much rage that she couldn’t help herself. Like Abbie, in an unconventional way, she was seeking partnership, and when she couldn’t have that she began to take that out on her victims, killing them until her grandmother put a stop to her.

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lilmelvin · 2 years

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“What do you dream about?”

Noticing Trauma // ACCEPTING @fxllenwilson

It's probably not hero like behavior to be so casual with Red X but she is now. He's not dangerous- not to her at least. She's pretty sure he's been putting some things together this visit. There's a suspicious claw mark on her bedroom wall that she's been miraging over when monks check in. It'll have to do until she figures out a way to actually hide it.

It's an aftermath from two nights ago when Bobby had swiped at a dark figure that had turned to dust the second they made contact with her protector. My fault. It's not enough that she hates what comes along with sleeping, but she almost made something from it.

And it's terrifying her.

Just not quite enough to ask for help. She keeps thinking about it; turning the Titans communicator over and over in her hands. Friends at the touch of a panic button...but she can't. Her mind races with all the worst possible outcomes. What if they won't think I'll make a good Titan anymore? There's always more more people in trouble, why should I take away from that? I can figure it out. I just need more time.

They're not here tonight though. Visits are still few and far between. Red X gets bored almost as much as she does though. She thinks he's lonelier than the cocky personality lets on- but maybe it just takes one to know one. She's so tired though. Sighing, she gently laid her head in his lap.

"Sometimes Mallah," she admits. How could she not? No one had a guide for how to handle when a giant gorilla tried to kidnap you and made you fall down a mountain in a tram car. No one told you what to do when you couldn't handle blanket burritos anymore because the constriction feels like those metal cases he'd locked them in.

"Sometimes of stuff from before. Before Raven got us." Some monsters were far more human.

#//i once again have wrote you a novel and I'M SORRY #fxllenwilson

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oh-my-moomin · 3 years

Text

NGE: You Deserve Love

This is an analysis based solely on the og NGE anime series and not the movie or rebirth series so I won’t be mentioning those.

NGE is a psychological horror/apocalypse story dressed up as a mecha. This farce is only totally dropped in the last 2, even 3 episodes. This can make the ending jarring and seem in cohesive, but ultimately my understanding is that none of the ‘plot’ really matters. Seele doesn’t matter, where the angels come from doesn’t really matter, and the final battle doesn’t matter. This is a story exploring loss, the need for connection, loneliness, and humanity. We see this through not only the interactions of the human characters but also through the angels.

THE HUMANS

The Children

A defining trait of all the characters is that they are lonely. The isolation from human connection is brought on both by the high stress apocalypse they all live in, as well as the personal demons they face. The characters all attempt to create bonds with other people, but are held back by their insecurities, fear of vulnerability, and past traumas.

Let’s start with Shinji, as the main character. Having lost his mother at a young age, and being abandoned by this father, he was never able to feel secure. Therefore he takes on a people pleaser attitude, constantly apologizing. His want for validation (particularly from adults in his life) causes him to continue to take action that he doesn't want to, including piloting the EVA. His self hate and insecurity makes it hard for him to make and trust his own choices. So he relies on others to guide him. When this fails, when he doesn't get the love and validation he craves he tries to quite entirely. But this often leads to the people he cares about being hurt. He's trapped between a rock and hard place.

Asuka was also abandoned, however rather than craving support like Shinji, she chooses to live for herself. She craves independence. She needs to know that she is no longer a child that can be hurt and vulnerable. This is largely shown through both her overt sexuality, and her piloting the EVA. She must be in control of the EVA, she must have power, she must be able to prove herself as the best, the strongest. Because inside she still feels like that hurt desperate child, and that is what she hates most about herself. Unlike Shinji, Asuka is brash and rude, and she expects others to give her the same. She barks and expects you to bark back, but can’t always handle it.

Both of these characters are constantly looking for connection, with both their peers and adults. While Asuka often pushes herself on to people, out of a need to be seen. Shinji cannot take active moves to make meaningful connections, and will shy away from people trying to connect. Asuka hates herself and needs to prove that others love her. Shinji hates himself and cannot imagine that people love him.

The Adults

One of the running themes in the show is motherhood. Typically it is the mother that is expected to love and care for the child, to raise them, show unconditional love, give unwavering support. None of the characters have had this, Shinji and Asuka search for validation that they lost in adults in different ways. Unfortunately for them, none of the adults present are suitable to be parents.

The show makes a point to show that the adult characters are all more complex than the children. They have lived longer and therefore had more time to make mistakes, to get stuck in toxic ideals, to ‘be problematic’. They are not concretely good or bad people (mostly), but rather the result of people who grew up in a post apocalyptic world, trying desperately to stop the salvage it, while also trying to make their own connections. Like the child characters, their past traumas make it harder for them to be more open, vulnerable, and weak, to form that human connection.

I am going to focus on Misato and Ritsuko, since they act as foils when it comes to human connection.

Misato being left as a lone survivor to a terrible accident has left her scared both physically and mentally. Before this she had issues with her parents, as her father seemed to abandon his family in favour of work, leaving her mother devastated. Misato doesn't want to become like her mother, abandoned by a loved one, and she also doesn't want to be her father, a slave to work. To counter this she looks for easy connections, but she never wants to get too close.

When her relationship with Kaji was beginning to feel too real, she began to find flaws. His resemblance to her father was terrifying, so she broke it off. Similarly, when in scenes with Shinji, talking about his insecurities or his want to give up, she is hidden by shadow. She cannot be seen as weak, she cannot offer comfort, she cannot be a mother figure to Shinji. Other ways her searching for easy connection is her drinking beer, or eating take out. She searches for the most basic ways to fulfill her needs, so that she can focus on her main goal of defeating the angels.

Ritsuko is also desperate to find human connection without vulnerability. By fully closing off the whole world she can have no weakness, something which she resents in Misato. She views herself as above the need for connection in that way, and would rather follow in her mothers foot footsteps as a scientist and a woman.

She loved and admired her mother, and hated her. She wants to follow in her footsteps but also would hate to fail in the same ways. She saw how her mother failed to actually mother her, and chose to completely reject that part of herself. Instead she cares for cats, and uses those as a surrogate to having a child. She continues her mothers work as a scientist, constantly striving to improve. And when it comes to the ‘woman’ that her mother was, she knew a stubborn woman who focused solely on one man. So Ritsuko also focused on him, to the point of giving up her cat to her grandmother. Both women tried to create an easy connection with him, both felt that they were his equal, and that they found the one connection that mattered. When it was proven to them that they were a second (third) woman this caused them both to break down. For Ritsuko this meant that even though she closed off the whole world, except for one man, she was still too vulnerable. And her only response was to completely shut down. Because she had no one else.

All of the characters are constantly searching for this connection, trying to show affection without getting hurt. Trying to make sense of the end of the world while also making sense of interpersonal relationships. Their own inner demons getting in the way of honest connection.

Rei

As a clone Rei is a particular case. She is aware that she is not a ‘person’, she isnt meant for human connection. Her isolation is so ingrained into her, planned before she is even ‘born’ so she feels no need to care for anyone except Ikari. She latches onto him, would do anything for him, and has no value in her life because she is aware that she is not real.

However, she still has a human source, Shinjis mother. A human person, who also needed human connection. Rei, when given the chance, does care for people. Shinji is the first person to see her as a peer, and to treat her with kindness. With this start of forming connections, she begins to feel more human, to develop a further need to connect. Even if it's hard to fully separate from the man who created her.

THE ANGELS

The angels act as a foil to the human need for connection. While all of the human characters are lonely and searching for connection with each other, the angels are also lonely and trying to learn what that even means.

There is no scene where the angels are working together, they are solitary, all having the same goal of reaching Adam, but incapable of planning together to achieve it. They instead try to create connection to humans, trying to bond and understand them, without knowing that their methods are harmful.

I believe this can be first seen with the 12th angel. When Shinji is absorbed into the EVA, it is safe to say that the angel was able to understand the merging of human and EVA. This connection allowed Shinji to control the EVA to break free of the angel's shadow. The following month where Shinji is trapped within his EVA, is our first insight into what the human instrumentality project will be like, as well as the goals of the angels.

Since angels cannot connect to each other, the 15th angel attempts to create connection by forcing itself into Asukas mind. It wants to understand her, her emotions, her thoughts, her connections, her love. For her this is a painful experience, akin to rape. She feels dirtied after it. But the attack is a beam of light, with holy music playing, what should be a calming experience. I believe it is fair to say that the angel cannot understand that it is putting her through pain, as it cannot understand any human experiences. Angels are incapable of understanding their own feelings/experiences/wants, and try to use humans as a study from which they can learn.

The following angel confronts Rei about her loneliness. Instead of breaking into her mind through light, it directly entered her body. While talking with her, it questioned what loneliness was, trying to understand its own pain and isolation through understanding hers. Its solution is to merge with Rei, as it believes this would solve both problems.

However, when she refuses, the angel then tries to find another source of connection. Rei cares about Shinji, as both a clone of his mother, and a friend as her own person. The angel can see that this connection is something that she finds precious and tries to take it for itself, as it cannot understand why Shinji wouldn’t feel the same. It cannot understand how complex human connections are, that it cannot simply take Reis form. However, it has learned what pain is, and how to communicate its own pain. As seen when Shinji attacks it. Whether this pain is physical or emotional doesn't matter, because it is the first pain that the angel could express.

The angels discovering what loneliness is acts as a way for the human pilots to begin to explore their own isolation in more depth. For better or worse.

THE FINAL MESSENGER

Our introduction to the final angel is him singing. He takes a human form, can fully communicate to other humans, and doesn’t immediately attack them. This is such a contrast to all other angels that it isn't immediately clear that he even is an angel. Kaworu's first words are (as per the netflix english subtitles)

“Arent songs great? Songs enrich the heart. They're the crowning achievement of Lilin culture”

He loves humans, human culture, human lives, and the human world. He is the first angel who is able to show this. His ability to understand humans allows him to form human connections, and he does so with Shinji.

Kaworu loved Shinji. He would seek out Shinji, take time to bond and communicate with him, and help Shinji open up. He wanted to be close with Shinji, and knew how to be gentle in ways that no other human or angel could. He was patient, because he had time. And Shinji was able to open up to him more than with any other character. Shinji was able to take the initiative to ask to stay with him, to try and form that connection.

All the human characters are struggling with their own demons, with an apocalyptic world. The whole earth is at war and Shinji is in the front lines, surrounded by adults who may want to help him but ultimately can't. Saving everyone is a higher priority to saving one kid, especially when that kid is your strongest soldier. Throughout the series Shinji is given conditional love. It is only when he pilots the EVA, defeats the angels and saves the day that people give him validation. Then comes this boy, who is gentle and kind, who listens. And it's easy, its comfort, its understanding and unconditional love, and its exactly what Shinji has needed for the whole series.

But as a messenger he could never stay, he's temporary and by the end of the episode he understands this. He still is driven to ‘Adam’, he has a mission, but instead he is confronted with Lilith. Kaworu understands that humans and angels cannot live together in harmony, only one can survive. Both Adam and Litlith were made in god's image, but only Adam could stay in the garden of Eden. Death and Life hold equal value to Kaworu, so he doesn't mind the sacrifice, he would rather die to protect humans, to protect Shinji. He can also understand that this is difficult, this is murder, this is killing a friend. So he says “thank you” and he waits.

In other episodes when in a battle, Shinji is constantly being yelled at, told what to do, under constant pressure. But here there is just the same patient understanding that Kaworu has always shown him. No rush for him to take action, just time to process and grieve. Because Kaworu knows Shinji will make the hard choice and he waits, and he smiles, and he continues to love Shinji.

The final angel came down as a messenger and said

“You are important.

I want to talk to you, to know you.

You are in pain, you are fragile and should be protected.

You are worthy of my affection.

I like you. I love you. I was born just so that I could meet you.

Our kind cannot survive together, one of us must die. And you deserve to live.

I will take this burden of death because you deserve a future.

I am glad I could meet you, thank you.

I know this is hard, and I know you need time. I will wait.

Thank you.”

That was the last message to humanity.

And because Shinji is human he says back

“We are the same. I love you too. If only one of us could have lived it should have been you. You are better than me. You should have survived.”

#nge #neon genesis evangelion #shinji ikari #nge analysis #asuka langley sohryu #misato katsuragi #rei ayanami #ritsuko akagi #gendo ikari #kaworu nagisa

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the-ghost-king · 3 years

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About the cupid scene, Nico was forced to come out, but its also made very clear that Cupid is the bad guy. So is Aphrodite to an extent. They have a twisted and fundamental misunderstanding of love and how it works for mortals. I get that people could be mad about how Nico was forced to come out and putting him through more emotional trauma, but I also think its very realistic in showing how callous and cruel the gods understanding of love is.

I am reminded of the quote by Madeline Miller, "There is no law that gods must be fair..."

I also understand why the scene might be traumatic for other young LGBTQ+ readers, I've seen a lot of people talk about the fear of being outed in regards to them reading that scene as a kid. I completely respect their feelings on that, and I understand that as well. However, as someone who had been forcibly outed once before reading that scene, that scene really helped heal me. I don't think the Cupid scene is inherently homophobic, and I'm often bothered by the lack of nuance regarding around how it's handled.

I recognize it's a very emotional scene, and that people may have a hard time fully separating their emotions from that scene, but at the same time if there's a group of people saying "hey I understand why you disliked this scene but it was really helpful to me as a child because of the different experiences I had" maybe slow the breaks and hear what others also in the community have to say before determining if the scene is homophobic. You don't have to like the scene, and yeah maybe the scene did hurt you but that doesn't make it homophobic.

I want to specify on my word choice there a little closer, because of course outing someone is an act of homophobia, and the scene is homophobic in that sense. However often times the conversation about homophobia in this scene goes to "Rick was homophobic for writing this" where personally I would say this scene toes the line at being too far without ever crossing it. Some people may think this depiction crosses the line into "Rick was homophobic for writing this" which is fine, but just because something depicted homophobia and hurt you doesn't mean it was homophobic. Something doesn't have to out rightly be stated to be bad, in order to be read as bad*, and the Cupid scene does a wonderful job of depicting this.

I talk here about how Nico is shown what love is, and how love is treated by Nico, and how it affects his character. I think it's important to note that Nico's entire storyline can essentially be encompassed in an Orpheus-like or Odyssey-like tale. Nico's undergone this huge emotional and physical labor all in the name of having some form of unconditional love. I think that post is a really important read in the context of this one because I very carefully outline how love shapes Nico and how Nico shape and chooses his own definition of love, but I want to specifically dig into the Cupid scene on this post.

The big criticism often seen is "it's homophobic" which I covered above, and I want to clarify I'm not upset with or mad at or trying to tell anyone they can't dislike it or even say you can't say it's homophobic (my words on my one post are a bit off I'll admit) but the problem I have is when people believe they hold a moral high ground for thinking it's homophobic, or they remove all nuance from the discussion with "it's homophobic". Which is frustrating and annoying because it's a very complex scene, and it really changes Nico's arc and personality and it does help characterize him.

The big reason it shapes him so much is because of the other largest reason the scene is criticized, Cupid's behavior. What often fails to be recognized in those scenes is that Cupid is intentionally painted as the villain, this is very important to the scene.

In the context of this scene Nico makes an unspoken choice, a choice of "what is love to me?". I talk about how Nico claims his narrative in BoTL when he overcomes Minos, and he partially peaks that arc by convincing Gods to join the final battle of TLO. Following that arc however, Nico falls into his second arc, his crush on Percy was important in PJO, but not as important as it is in HoO.

By HoO Nico's entire character revolves around Percy, how to help Percy, how to aid Percy, etc. All of this has to do with Nico's crush on Percy, but also as an act of repayment because Nico hurt Percy- Nico lied to him about knowing him at New Rome in SoN, and he goes to Tartarus shortly after... This mirrors what Percy did after Hades tricked Nico... Percy choked Nico because he was upset with him, so Nico tried to win back Percy's affection by bathing him in the river.

The Cupid Scene is the resolution of Nico's arc, he is essentially given a choice- Cupid or Jason?

For this reason, we do see Nico recognize love for what it has been vs how it could be.

Cupid is there to represent what love is, to Nico love is brutal, and painful, and a lot of hard work... Nico has made himself utilitarian in love simply because it is the only way he can find any affection. Love to Nico is about flaying yourself for the benefit of others, to trample any and all parts of yourself simply to appease those you care for, because you want them to love you so much as you love them. The parallels I could draw between Nico and Orpheus, or Nico and Odysseus... I'd be here a long while...

In that scene Jason represents the alternative form of love which Nico chooses after his interaction with Cupid.

Jason says during the scene that he "preferred Piper's idea of love" which has to do with kindness and caring, etc, and then Jason becomes the embodiment of that idea during the scene- which showcases the alternative of what love can be, thus making Jason a personification of love in the context of that scene.

Jason looks to Nico, he doesn't ask for more, he simply looks to Nico with understanding and acknowledges him for who he is, and he does the exact opposite of what Nico expects:

Jason loves Nico where he is, without conditions, without forcing Nico to become something more. Jason didn’t force Nico to say more than what was necessary for him to understand, Jason looked at Nico and he called Nico brave.

Cupid is a more volatile form of love than Aphrodite, Cupid shoots arrows that makes people animals, that can make a god grow insane, but Aphrodite's form of love is about acceptance and humanity (think to how she picked Ares over Hephaestus even if it was perhaps "wrong")- both are about truth but one is about force and the other about acceptance.

When Nico walks out of there, he makes his choice- he is forced to come out yes, Cupid is wrong for doing this, but Jason again stays a figure of love in Nico's life. Jason basically says, "Good job, I know that was hard, thank you for sharing and let me know if you need anything, people will care about you and understand you," again and again and again to Nico, he doesn't tell Nico he has to come out, and he agrees to keep it between them for now. Jason is love as acceptance, Jason is the first person who unconditionally loves Nico, and that's the choice.

Will Nico accept unconditional love? If the answer is no, then Cupid wins and Nico is denying himself. If the answer is yes, then Jason and Nico win, and Nico no longer needs to make himself utilitarian in love in order to be loved.

The choice is made with Reyna and Hedge, most specifically Reyna.

When he accidentally comes out to them, and they accept him without making a big deal of it, without show, just that acknowledgement and "thank you for sharing" and Nico accepts their words and friendship still- Nico made his choice then to accept the love he was being freely given.

“He carried so much sadness and loneliness, so much heartache. Yet he put his mission first. He persevered. Reyna respected that. She understood that. She'd never been a touchy-feely person, but she had the strangest desire to drape her cloak over Nico's shoulders and tuck him in. She mentally chided herself. He was a comrade, not her little brother. He wouldn't appreciate the gesture.”

This is where we see the slow and steady, and healthy, end to Nico's arc in regards to love really grow into itself, and he begins to heal. He no longer sees such an intense need to make himself utilitarian for love, and he begins to heal from his internalized homophobia too.

(Internalized homophobia discussions with Nico also bother me too often times, people too often assume you can't date while struggling with internalized homophobia or at least very heavy handedly imply that which is just not true... You may have some issues in your relationship, but you can work through the internalized homophobia while building a new relationship and be just fine. Also to assume someone has an unhealthy relationship because of internalized homophobia is weird and lowkey reinforces the idea that "broken" people don't need love, but also does a huge disservice to so many LGBTQ+ people who are happily married/themselves but still struggle with these feelings, and to see a healthy relationship depiction despite someone in that relationship struggling with internalized homophobia is fine and good actually. As long as the individual can recognize what they're dealing with, and work through it in a healthy and constructive manner, then there's nothing wrong there...)

When I started this post to be honest I thought I would have a lot more to say, it's a scene that touched and changed me so deeply as a person, and beyond that in a more objective experience it completely changes Nico's character, by turning his arc around and beginning his healing process. To be honest, there probably is more to be said on it, I just haven't found the words yet... I know parts of this post are clunky and in a year I'm going to read this and see all the places it could be better but for now I'm content with it.

Whether or not someone considers the scene homophobic is a subjective experience, but I think this is a very well written scene purely for the characterization and symbolism, intentional or otherwise. I don't really care that much to debate if it's truly a homophobic scene or not, I can see both why people say it is and why people say it isn't and that can be culminated into "people have different needs" and "minorities aren't a monolith". Personally my much larger complaint is the complete lack of nuance and insight scenes like this are handled with, not the matter of personal opinion an individual reaches on the scene.

*the post uses the word "adult audience" and yes, fair point, children should not be able to decipher symbolism to the extent adults can. But older children and young teens, which the RRverse series are sold for, is when critical thinking skills and media analysis do begin to become parts of classroom curriculum. The scene does an excellent job of not outright stating Cupid is evil, but of depicting that in a very clear cut way.

#nevermind i lied here you go #nico di angelo #meta #long post #anon #ask #internalized homophobia #fandom homophobia

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