#the moral/emotional regret came later for him because for a while he WAS just. so glad.
Note
if it has "orders" that vague, would showing obvious enough dismay that Jean doesn't accept his agreement to them be "refusing"? In a situation where he is aware that having those tells caused him to get out of the order
I envision that as part of the ramping-up: the magic, as it grows out of control, starts actively reacting to anything Kaeya does to evade Jean's orders. Enforcing less and less explicit orders over time comes hand-in-hand with shutting down each new way Kaeya finds to work around them.
In fact, the cause-and-effect might even be the other way around! I'm tempted towards the notion that aside from the issue of a Vision's power being way more than the spell needs (and the Pyro-on-Cryo complications), the fact that a Vision responds to the intentions of their bearer is also playing into this. At the time Diluc does this magic he is still reeling from the revelation that Kaeya was deceiving him for all those years, and afraid on some level that he's going to somehow be able to wriggle out of this safeguard by fooling Jean as well. He does not want Kaeya to find any loopholes! And if I go with that, then the spell, turned by the Vision into an active rather than passive restraint, closes said loopholes as soon as Kaeya finds them--each strategy, including that one, has only a limited window before the magic starts triggering on it. And if that's what's happening, then forcing indirect or non-orders is just part of that overgrowth, because 'she didn't make it a direct order' is just another loophole, as far as that nasty mess of Abyssal magic and Vision power and Diluc's mistrust is concerned.
Even if that's not the specific mechanism I go with for why, I do know the magic is shutting down even that kind of passive resistance. The incident that makes Kaeya decide he has to tamper with it involves him being completely unable to give Jean mission-relevant information because it would have changed her strategy and the magic takes that as 'arguing' even though she would want to know. People get hurt because of it (including him)! No one gets killed this time, but... it's worth the risk to him not to put Jean in the position of being unwittingly responsible for someone's death. Because Diluc's coming home someday, and there's "so uh we might have anchored this on you without your knowledge or consent," and then there's "so uh someone died because we anchored this on you without your knowledge or consent," and there's both a moral event horizon here and, on the personal level, only so much forgiveness they can beg.
#fic nattering#asked and answered#honestly both of them regret the 'without her knowledge and consent' thing within the first like. couple weeks. a month max#but diluc assumes kaeya told her and if she's not sending him nastygrams he's not inclined to bring it up and invite them#while kaeya was relieved that he didn't have to tell her up until the point she told him not to break into eroch's office#and he went 'well i'll do it anyway she doesn't have to know' and then realized he physically could not#the moral/emotional regret came later for him because for a while he WAS just. so glad.#to have the choice of whether to betray khaenri'ah or mondstadt taken so entirely out of his hands#he is willing to accept that they've done something to jean that she'll be upset and angry about until the noose starts tightening#and suddenly he's running into the issues outlined above#and now it's SO different from straightforwardly obeying a regular order in the field of the sort that he should be obeying anyway!#(she would have hated even the original plan but kaeya is honestly okay with violating her personal sense of ethics that far#in the same way he was okay with lying to diluc for so long. which is to say he isn't but he's never felt like he has a choice)
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Hello, hope you're having a good day/night
I was wondering if I could request the spiderverse characters (Miguel, Hobbie, Noir) meeting and reacting to male spider reader who abnormal tall (like 7 foot kinda abnormal) and morally grey for instance will kill if it means that it could be beneficial rather than having the villain go to jail???
(Also who would end up falling for reader?)
FIRST ATSV REQ LETS GO
I made Miguel so submissive and breedable real lmfaooo. Also ignore how many HCs are in Noir’s, I’ve actually never written for him before lol. Oh and since it’s not extremely clear, Hobie’s is platonic
**I do not own any characters or part of the franchise from marvel or sony**
Summary: go to req
Tw: cussing, death, discussion of murder, stuff like that
~Miguel~
Color Miguel intimidated bcc oh my god
You’re taller than him. With his same morals. He’s fucking reeling
When you stand next to him he’ll cross his arms and puff out his chest
You’ll notice and be like “What’re you doing…?” And he’ll act all ignorant like “hm? What? No I’m not doing anything…”
Once he gets over your sheer largeness he’ll become more comfortable and relaxed around you
He falls HARD and QUICK
Even doing missions with you becomes difficult for him, the first time he got choked up or distracted he immediately stopped doing any missions with you
It was like whiplash for you because you were doing all these high risk missions with Miguel regularly then he suddenly drops you with no explanation
You corner him one day and demand to know why he’s acting so weird
You literally corner him…
Standing over him and all angry
He’s feeling 5 different conflicting emotions all at once
He tried to web away from you and without thinking about it you grab him by his neck and shove him back against the wall
He whimpered. WHIMPERED.
You immediately know what’s up and laugh at him some then tell him you feel the same
And that’s how Miguel O’Hara got a shredded gigantic boyfriend
~Noir~
When he first glanced at you he couldn’t help but stare a bit.
I mean. DAMN. What’re they feeding you?
He couldn’t help but say something
“They make them big in your universe?”
The joke surprised you bcc a Spider-Man dressed in all black and a sick hat and coat just teased you.
You laugh some and respond.
“And they make ‘em cute in yours?”
He chokes some.
You smirk at him and introduce yourself
He collects himself quickly and introduces himself too
When you find out he’s from an older timeline
You can’t help but flirt a bit more
“Oh so I should take you to dinner first?” You say with a grin.
You came on so heavy he stayed silent for a bit, just blinking at you
He avoids you for a bit, not because he doesn’t like you or is weirded out. He’s just trying to learn how to respond to your flirting in a way that isn’t staring owlishly
You two are on a mission together and long story short the villain didn’t need to go back to his universe to restore the timeline and was beyond the standard villain evil
while he was fleeing from you two he flung a child into the air and let them drop, expecting them to distract the both of you
“Noir!” You yelled
“On it.” He immediately responded and caught the kid, taking them to safety and comforting them
When you caught the villain you couldn’t hold yourself back.
Needless to say Noir came back to find you covered in blood and dangerously quiet.
It was a sight to see and not one he’ll forget.
“If you’re gunna give me the whole ‘killing makes you as bad as them’ lecture you can save it. I don’t regret it now and I wont regret it ever.” You said firmly, still not meeting his gaze
He just walked over to you and rested a hand on your shoulder. “Good. You shouldn’t.” Was all he said. The return to the spider society was silent
There was a silent agreement between the two of you not to discuss that mission with anyone else. That it was something too personal, somehow.
A few weeks later he asks you out
“Do you want to go out for egg creams sometime?” He asked
“What the hell is an egg cream.”
It’s like the olive theory but with egg creams
He loves your size and secretly loves it when you rest your arm on his head/shoulder.
~Hobie~
He laughs when he sees you
“You been drinking your milk, mate?” He chuckled
You rolled your eyes at him.
You talk with him when you next see hi ma few days later
He just sort of appears around you and you don’t question it once so ever
Someone asks why you two are always seen together in a rude tone and Hobie just throws an arm around your shoulder and says “see this lad right here, he’s my best friend. We actually sleep in the same bed—“
You scoff at him and push his arm off
You know he’s being sarcastic and just trying to get the person to fuck off but calling you his best friend made something in your heart flutter
Protectiveness? Loyalty? Endearment? Who the hell knew.
All you know is from then on you started seeking him out more
You sort of became a older brother figure to him
You started checking in on him semi regularly
But one time he stopped responding and you hadn’t seen him for over a week
Obviously, you got worried
You decided to go visit his universe to see if something happened
When you got there your eyes were immediately violently assaulted with flashing images and constantly changing scenery
It threw you off mid-swing and you crashed to the ground
You had to shut your eyes so you wouldn’t get nauseous
Then you felt a hand on your shoulder and squint up to see Hobie who looked confused and concerned
He helps you back to his place and basically tosses you down on his beat up couch then asks why you’re there
You just grumble something about him not responding and not seeing anyone for over a week
He flops down next to you and lays his legs on your lap
“Aw you big bloke, you were worried ‘bout me.” He says smirking
You shove his legs off and stand up
“Don’t get used to it” you say with a grin
#miguel x reader#miguel o’hara x male reader#miguel ohara#miguel o’hara x reader#miguel o'hara#atsv x reader#astv x male reader#atsv#noir x reader#spider noir#spider noir x reader#spider noir x male reader#noir x male reader#hobie brown x male reader#hobie brown x reader#hobie x reader#hobie x male reader#hobie brown#fanfic#fanfic writing#atsv fanfiction#Hobie brown fanfic#spider noir fanfic#atsv miguel#miguel o’hara fanfiction#male reader#spider man#Spider-Man reader#spidersona reader
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𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐈𝐓, 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊. miles morales x fem!reader
part two of gun mental
𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: ooc miles, still very rory and jess inspired, angst, fluff..?, slightly mean miles, a little crack baby inspired by mitski,reader being perceived as the sweetest and ambitious girl in her town.
that night, you fell asleep dreaming about him, you spent hours trying to contain yourself from writing about every single detail in your journal about what happened in new york.
it hurted deeply, because even after today you still feel betrayed, after all he didn’t call you, not even after that reunion
you didn’t know what you wanted, but you wanted it back so bad it hurt, it physically hurt when you remember all notes in the margins he left for you
it hurt even more remembering that you have them still.
but even if you didn’t know, miles had the same thoughts, he remembers all those little flower crowns you made him, while you two were only friends.
it hurt more remembering that he has them, that he took them with, a little beat up from the drive but still, all of them four are laying in his room.
his dad was constantly reminding him of what a screw up he’s going to turn out to be if he doesn’t fixes his grades, his mom constantly reminding him of every single thing bad that he’s done in his life.
but at this point, his mind was wrapped around you, and as soon as he heard his dad’s awfully loud snores, he immediately snuck out and took a first train to you.
as you at least tried to sleep, feeling the haziness of a dream you know that it’s about him, third this night exactly, you heard pebbles on your window.
your mind couldn’t recognize between reality and the fuzziness of a dream, so it took a few times until you finally jolted out of the bed.
you opened the window and the least you expected was to see him, so desperately looking up at you
“get out!” you were still too sleepy as you looked at yourself, floral pjs, braided hair, looking like a kindergartner.
you looked at at the time, eyes still slightly closed as you read the a little too bright 03:08 on your clock
“what are you doing here miles?!” you hiss out, like the last time you saw him, you tried pretending like seeing him didn’t twist your guts into knots.
“just get out, sweet girl.” you looked at your pjs then him and he rolled his eyes “you look pretty as ever, no one is out, c’mon.”
you tried to ignore the warmness that crept up on your cheeks as you got out of the window.
finally moments later you manage to get down and you looked at him, something akin to terror but softer in your eyes.
“let’s go to our place aight?” he asked and you looked at him in disbelief, as you take his wrist, your cheeks red from the harsh cold
“miles, what are you doing here?” you weren’t fed up, you were sad, pure sadness as you asked him, voice shaky and lashes slowly but surely getting wet
“needed to see you, ma.” he says like it’s nothing, but his eyes almost twitch as he watched you, it hurt him physically to see you like this
“you can’t just come back like nothing h-happened?!” you hiss and his eyes are mixed with swirl of emotions, anger and sadness
“did you see me complaining when you came to new york? you came and acted like nothing fucking happened?!”
“it’s different when you leave me, miles. I didn’t waltz off to new york after we kissed, you did, and i surely didn’t just waltz back into your life like it’s nothing.”
“ever since i left i have been regretting the fact that i kissed you, it hurts me to see you like this, if i knew you’d feel anything other than happiness because of me I would’ve never do it.”
regretting the fact that i kissed you.
“it kills me to stand he-“ before you could even finish the sentence, he cuts you off
“and i’m not regretting the kiss, I’m regretting that it hurt you.”
tears form in your eyes as you feel the warm tear slide down your cold cheek
“i want it back so bad, miles, I don’t know what but i want it so bad-“ you’re simply yelling at eachother, saying stupid things like
‘i hate you, miles’ ‘guess what? i fucking hate you too’ ‘you make everything so hard’ ‘it was a mistake coming here.’
you’re slightly pushing him with each insult you remember to say as he does to, but he doesn’t stop you from pushing him.
and before you know it you’re nestled in his arms, right after the last push, his stroking your hair, kissing your forehead as you cry in his arms.
‘i’ve got you, ma.’, ‘I don’t hate you, never.’ ‘look at me, look. at. me. sweet girl.’ ‘I missed you, miles.’ ‘I missed you too, so much.’
#miles morales x reader#spiderman#spiderman into the spiderverse#spiderman x reader#miles molares#miles morales x you#spiderman across the spiderverse#across the spiderverse#earth 1610 miles morales x reader#earth 42 miles x reader#earth 1610 miles fluff
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The last time I played KotOR II, it really struck me how much Atton and Bao-Dur have in common. They don't especially get along, which is fair – almost nobody on the K2 crew likes anyone other than the Exile. It is not a friendship cruise. And neither of them want to talk about the past, so it's understandable that they never manage to cross the threshold where they realize the other is a kindred spirit. But think about it.
Both of them were young men that got swept up by the Mandalorian Wars, chewed up, and spat out as broken wrecks. And this is true of most of the cast of K2, and a big chunk of the galaxy as per the game's theme, but Atton and Bao-Dur might have closer stories than anyone else in the crew, because they share hatred as their driving force. The guilt that haunts them isn't what they did in the war, it's why they did it and how they felt during it. Bao-Dur saw the destruction of his people and came to hate the aggressors for the senseless violence - Atton saw the destruction of his comrades and came to hate the so-called protectors that could have changed everything but left them to die, and had the gall to claim moral superiority for it. That hate festered and led them to commit mega war crimes that finally collapsed at one focal atrocity. Obviously Atton's path was a lot darker than Bao-Dur's, and his crimes were far more visceral, cruel, and repeated until he met the Jedi that broke him right back, while Bao-Dur built one immensely, unimaginably terrible thing that only he was capable of, and left a bloody and inescapably personal handprint on the fate of the galaxy.
But either way, they had the same response – an inability to find peace, a lot of self-loathing with no outlet, and a ton of drifting until they found the Exile. And their demons aren't so much regret for their actions as it is horror at the people their hate made them into – which is a really important distinction to make, because blowing up a planet with tens of thousands of friendly forces on it and torturing Jedi sound like things that characters would regret at face value, and in a lesser piece of writing, that would probably be the end of it. Not so, in KotOR II. Bao-Dur still believes the war needed to end, and neither of them hates any less now than they did then (though in Atton's case, it's important to note that his hatred of the Jedi later expanded to encompass hate for the Sith as well. He wouldn't do his actions over again, assuming neutral/LS, but it's less out of regret and more out of “fuck you all, you weren't worth my life.” The only action he actually wishes he could take back is killing that last Jedi. Everything else is just disgust and fear at what he realized he had inside him - and like Bao-Dur, that's not something he can unlearn, no matter what he does now.)
They are also unique in that they are the only two crew members that joined the Exile with no ulterior motives. Kreia is an ulterior motive, T3-M4 wants to bring aid to Revan, Brianna joins as a proxy for Atris, Mical is a scout for Carth Onasi, Visas is there to stop Nihilus, Mira is there because nobody else is going to horn in on her bounty, Mandalore is there for the clans and to find news of Revan, Hanharr was forced into servitude, G0-T0 is there to dole out orders, and HK-47 wants to pin down his clones (as well as engage in some good old-fashioned bloodshed, which he'll surely get next to such a walking storm.) These two boys are just deeply in love with the Exile, be that romantically or just a pure, rare bond of shared understanding, and follow them because it's the clearest way to make up for their past, but also because nobody else could get them so deeply.
Just... geez. These boys would have a lot to talk about over a bottle of Corellian whiskey if they only had a reason to open up (and one of them wasn't violently allergic to emotional honesty.)
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I adore time travel AUs to bits and yours sounds very interesting! So L's realisation about his monstrosity is a slow descent, but how self aware is he once Light is no longer a child? Does he act on his intentions the moment he realises they exist with no remorse and the shame comes in later? Or does the shame stem from the fact he knows how f*cked up everything he's done is and still doesn't care, not really, not enough to stop?
And speaking about his relationship with Light. He "ingratiates" himself to this new version of him, but does he ever have to stop himself from throwing his unresolved frustrations towards the Old Light at the child? I imagine so, especially at first. He barely restrain himself from being the petty creature he is and at times maybe even doesn't and takes out on Light is subtle ways that can't be traced back to him.
Still, I think L would eventually start to miss the old, antagonistic Light. Adoration and peace are all well and good, but he'd received those before and responded with boredom, nonchalance or neutrality at best. Despite the supernatural task he was given, would L stir the pot to make Light the beast from his nightmare again simply because he misses his teeth? Or could Light develop into it even with all of his influnce?
God, if Light were to find out L is responsible for his family's murder...
Oh no, L has always known he's a monster! He's never denied it! :D He already knows that he's not the moral paragon that the Wammy Kids and the world sees him as—the descent here, the realization, comes from him knowing he's a monster, but subconsciously thinking that he's a smaller one than Light. Light killed him after all, so he'd definitely be the worst monster, right? Wrong :3 L realizes that what he's doing is worse than anything Light ever did on a moral level, but on their level? The game level? Light killed him. Light killed Watari. L only killed Light's family, he hasn't killed Light himself, so he hasn't technically sunk to Light's level in his mind.
It's only later, when Light is fully ingratiated to him, that L starts to recognize that what he's done....might be worse after all. Not that it causes him much moral distress tbh—it's just a fact he's uncomfortable facing because now he feels like he might've fucked up the game. He's got what he truly wants though, and he wouldn't really regret it either.
As for if L takes out his anger on Light: no. For multiple reasons. The first of which is that by the time he sees Light in person again it's been literal years since he first came back to the past, which has watered down his fury to sorrowful annoyance and only heightened his obsession. The second of which is that L knows he can't do anything like that to Light while he's grooming endearing himself to him; Light is smart and newly traumatized and wary, if L started hurting him (even indirectly), Light would notice and immediately clock him as a threat. Which is literally exactly what L wants to avoid.
Besides, by that time L is happy to see him ^^ A little Kira is very interesting indeed, and L has missed his perfect match more than expected to. He's still gonna psychologically fuck him up though. Them's the breaks.
As for whether L would miss the "Old" Light....yes and no. He doesn't really see the "Old" Light and the "Newer" Light as separate people; both of them are still Light, almost in his entirety. Old Light had a Death Note, and Baby Light hasn't yet reached his threshold of apathy :3 That's all. Little Light is still a manipulative genius, full of ego and spite—he just has some trauma now that has led him to circulate all of his turbulent emotions around the people he finds interesting, instead of just shoving them down and pretending they don't exist until they really don't :) Little Light is not bored of the world yet. He's not bored of emotions and love, and now he'll never find them tedious, because L ripped that away from him by killing his family :) He'll always be petty and arrogant and vicious, but now he's more open emotionally than he would've been otherwise.
Speaking of Light's family! L never gets caught out for that! Because one of the first big things L does to endear himself to Light is help Light catch the arsonist that caused the fire—by planting evidence and false trails to lead Light right to the patsy he set up to take the fall for it ^^
From there, once revenge has been had, Light's family kind of,,,,fades from his mind. L has made himself a very big figure in Light's life, essentially replacing his family as the person Light is most frightened to lose and most willing to listen to, and every reminder of the Yagami family gets erased so that L can more effectively do that. Light is only six when he first comes to Wammy's after all; memories fade quick when you're that small :') So if he found out later, as an adult, it would've been long enough that he wouldn't really care.
This whole AU is essentially just. A yandere Light being raised to be exactly that by an equally if not more so yandere L.
So. When Light is once again in the form L remembers him in (seventeen year old body with a wicked wicked mind that makes even death gods wary) I very much think he'd make a move. By that point Light has been in love with him for years, so as soon as L feels any sort of reciprocation they'd get together faster than you could blink. No hesitation.
...Save for maybe A trying to stall him.
#asks#anonymous#time travel L#time travel#death note#lawlight#tw -18#tw grooming#l lawliet#yagami light
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Can you do ches,dee, and glam with a trans s/o that’s struggling to find a name
Headcanons Name
💖Glam x trans!Reader 🎸
Glam wasn't surprised when I found out that you were looking for a name for yourself. You didn't hide from him that you became trans persona. He thought that since you made such a choice, it means that you wanted it. However, quite quickly a problem arose in front of you. You couldn't choose a name for yourself. It was important to you, so you took it very seriously
Glam understood how important it was for you to find a name. He well remembered the emotions he felt when he began to call himself Glam. It was like he was reborn at that moment, so he tried to help you. He wanted you to feel comfortable with a new name and to be sure that this name is yours. He didn't want you to regret the choice you made
Glam understood that choosing a name was very important, and also understood that he could not rush you or choose for you. All he could do was try to help you. He offered you names, but he didn't insist on any particular name. He only helped you find options that in his opinion could suit you more or like you more
Glam knew that it was impossible to make such an important decision in one day, but he was ready to be there for you and support you. Glam cherished you regardless of your name, but because it was important to you, he supported you. He was ready to accept you with a new name when you were ready to call it
📚 Dee x trans!Reader📱
Dee knew that you were uncomfortable with the sex you were born with, so when you told him about your decision to become a trans persona, he supported you. He understood that this way you would feel more comfortable, so he only supported your decision. However, pretty quickly you had a problem in choosing a name
Choosing a name was difficult for you. You understood that this would be a choice for your whole life, so you took this choice very seriously. You were trying to find the very name after hearing which you will understand that it is yours. Dee saw that it was hard for you, but he couldn't choose for you, so he was just there for you to give you moral support
Dee helped you as much as he could. He watched you search for a suitable name, sometimes offering options that came to his mind. Dee was not offended when you refused the options offered by him. He understood that choosing a name is difficult, so he did not insist on his options
You understood that you would have to spend time searching for a name, but you were ready for it and Dee supported you in your search. He also understood that it would be difficult for people around him to get used to your new name, but he was ready to support you and be close to you regardless of how others reacted
🧄 Chive x trans!Reader 🎸
Chive was glad when you declared yourself as a trans persona. He knew that you thought about it for a long time before you made your choice and he supported you regardless of what decision you would have made in the end. However, when he found out that you can't choose a name for yourself, he was surprised, even though he understood the reason for this
Chive understood that it would be difficult for you to find a suitable name and he wanted to help you. He often began to observe how you were thinking while walking around your apartment. You approached this choice very responsibly, so you spent a lot of time to find the very name that you can call your own
Chive helped you by offering a variety of names, hoping that one of them would appeal to you. He understood that it was important for you, so he offered you a variety of names so that you would have a wide choice and so that you would not regret later that you made a choice too hastily
Chive was ready to wait as long as you want until you choose a new name that you think will best suit you. It was a new stage in your life for you and Chive was ready for any name of yours if it would make you really happy
#Metal family#Metal family x Reader#Metal family headcanons#Glam#Glam x Reader#Dee#Dee x Reader#Chive#Chive x Reader
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🖤
( join my 1k celly!!! )
situationship tale…oh boy. so some very quick background context you need for this is that 2016-summer 2021 we were online best friends that saw each other a couple times a year and were very in and out of ‘is this more’ territory until it reallyyyy amped up in 2020 leading to to us finally crossing the line sleeping together confessing feelings etc in july 2021. about a month later i found out he was dating his roommate/had cheated with me, confronted him and he ghosted for 4 months but he eventually came back and we became friends again until i cut him off this past september. re: feb-july of this past year, i look back at how we spoke to each other and would 100% label that an emotional affair. i regret that, and cut him off largely because i wanted to force him into doing right by his partner.
anyways, to your actual ask for a story time. this july i was, for some reason, invited to his birthday weekend. in the city in the apartment he lives in with his partner. that for obvious reasons does not fuck with me. but i was invited, so go i did, and brought my college bestie along for moral support. nothing ~happened~ but it was…a weekend. highlights include.
• when we first met up the partner hugged my friend, who they had never met before, looked me up and down and said “i know mollie.”
• when problem child walked me and my friend the 5 minutes back to our hotel at 2am the first night and ended up sticking around to goof off with us in the hotel gym for like an hour until partner called being like ??!?! where are you !?!!!when we showed up the next day it was so awkward but any variation of “hey im sure he told you this too but we really didn’t slept together last night fyi” would’ve been more awkward so we all just kinda #vibed with a huge amount of tension.
• that second night when i was giving him his birthday present and were chatting alone in the kitchen listening to music not doing anything more than friendly but partner walked in looking for him, it suddenly felt very awkward, they went upstairs for a bit and when they came back down were like okay everyone figure out where you’re sleeping it’s bed time!!!
• problem child standing by the couch i was sleeping on- me very obviously about to cry bc i was drunk and sad bc last birthday i was sleeping in his bed- asking if i had pajamas (if i had said no and you got me your clothes your partner would have not liked that buddy LOL) and just stalling there until it got awkward and he walked away and went upstairs.
• my last day there, the morning after that ^ when problem child really wanted to hang out, so we did, and that consisted of us walking around in dead silence for 2 hours while my poor college bestie third wheeled to…that. we eventually went back to his apartment and watched The Rehearsal with him and his partner and that was good but when we were leaving leaving partner hugged my friend, was definitely about to hug me to and i panicked and like #bolted down the steps towards the door.
problem child walked us all the way out and i knew in that moment even hugging him goodbye telling him to come visit when i moved to denver that i would never see him again/that we had to let each other go. and as much as i joke about it, it’s still a weird thing to process and some of those tiktok slideshows to scott street of poems get me down bad. but anyhow!
love all my lore. 10/10. no notes.
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Hey congrats on 900 followers! Would I be able to request the touch starved prompt from your list with the pairing Aiden/Lambert please? Love all your writing!
Hello!! Thanks for requesting this prompt and this pairing! I’ve been on a right Lambden kick recently, so I felt inspired. I hope you like it!
Prompt 13: Touch-Starved
Pairing: Aiden x Lambert
Warnings: None
Prompt List
Lambert was apprehensive about many things concerning Aiden when the two started travelling together. Being stabbed to death in his sleep comes to mind, or having Aiden go all batshit crazy if Lambert dared to beat him at Gwent. Lambert has heard many rumours about Cat witchers in his long life. Cats are batshit crazy. Cats are emotionally volatile. Cats are backstabbing sons of bitches… literally and metaphorically. Cats are bad. Cats are evil, etc, etc. All these rumours circulated in Kaer Morhen long before Lambert even set foot in that ramshackle castle. He was too young to have witnessed the Tournament, but he heard the older witchers talk. Later in his life, when only a handful of wolf witchers were left after the sacking, Eskel gave Lambert a more detailed account of the Tournament.
“The Cats betrayed us, went on a rampage. Killed many wolf witchers in the process. Geralt and I lost many friends that day,” Eskel told him one evening, when the oldest surviving wolf was too far in his cup to notice that he was oversharing. “Radowit’s court mage Astrogarus promised the Cats monopoly on killing monsters within Kaedwen in exchange for attacking the Wolves during the tournament. Turns out Radowit was a backstabbing motherfucker himself. He ordered his soldiers to shoot all of the remaining witchers of both schools in the arena.”
“Lemme guess,” Lambert spoke, his own speech slightly slurred, “pretty boy saved the day?”
Eskel shook his head. “Fled. Mousesack helped him escape the massacre. Poor bastard never forgave himself for abandonin’ our brothers, but what choice did he have?”
Don’t get Lambert wrong. He’s not saying that Aiden is harmless, far from it. The guy’s lethal with his swords, deadly with a pair of daggers, not to mention a stealthy and clever thief. Aiden is mercurial, hot-tempered and a bit feral when he wants to be, and his morals are at best dubious. Whereas wolf witchers had their emotions beaten out of them at a young age, cat witchers feel too much, too strongly. Lambert’s witnessed Aiden flip tables when peasants beat him at Gwent, but he’s also witnessed the Cat shed a tear after bringing the news to a mother that her son did not survive the ghoul attack two villages down the road.
Lambert was apprehensive about many things concerning Aiden when the two started travelling together, but the Cat had never ceased to surprise him. The most unexpected trait Aiden has displayed to date is his insatiable need for physical contact. It’s not like Lambert hates being touched - he’s only human, albeit a mutated one, but still human. He enjoys a hug as much as the next person, especially when said hug comes from one of his brothers (or, dare he say, Vesemir) at the end of a long and difficult year on the Path. Lambert has also never begrudged a bed partner a post-coital cuddle session. Aiden’s need for physical contact is… on a whole different level.
The first time it happened, Lambert almost shoved the Cat off him and sent him packing, until he realised that Aiden was not only hugging him, but clinging onto him. His sharp nails were digging in the soft material of Lambert’s shirt, the fabric creaking in protest under the firm grip. When Lambert looked down, he noticed the pinched eyebrows and tears trailing down Aiden’s face. It wasn’t until a broken sob pushed past the Cat’s lips that Lambert reluctantly returned the embrace, arms wound tightly around Aiden’s trembling body. Aiden eventually settled in the safety of Lambert’s arms, his features softening as he sank back into a peaceful slumber.
Neither mentioned the previous evening’s impromptu cuddling session, but from that moment one, it was like someone had flicked a switch. Aiden came up with every possible fucking excuse to touch Lambert. Their hands would always accidentally graze each other when they packed up camp, or tacked up the horses. Aiden would bump shoulders with him when they were travelling on foot. If they sat next to one another in a tavern, Aiden would press his leg against Lambert’s, and if they were facing each other, a tentative foot would gently nudge Lambert’s shin and linger there. It’s not like Aiden was trying to hide his intentions, either. They rarely paid for two rooms anymore, because even if they did, Aiden would always end up in Lambert’s bed anyway, arms wound around Lambert’s body like a koala clinging to its mother.
Lambert doesn’t hate Aiden’s need for physical proximity, he’s just… confused by it. Aiden rarely takes any lovers to bed, even though he clearly craves physical intimacy. Lambert is more than happy to cuddle with Aiden, especially when they are forced to sleep under the stars and the early autumn frosts begin to settle over the region. It saves them from lighting a campfire, which may attract the wrong kind of attention to them. That’s all that’s ever transpired between the two, though… cuddling. Lambert enjoys the cuddling as much as Aiden does, but for Aiden it seems to be about more than mere enjoyment. The Cat simply refuses to go without physical intimacy which at times can be… alright, it can feel overbearing, but Lambert’s not about to complain, not when most humans turn away from him in disgust and contempt when he tries to chat them up.
Over the course of the next few weeks, Aiden almost develops a form of separation anxiety. He refuses to let Lambert out of his sight, going so far as to follow the man everywhere, and that’s the moment when Lambert snaps.
“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” he asks, his tone hiding none of the irritation he feels at being tailed by this overgrown tomcat. Aiden stops dead in his tracks, his eyes growing wide at Lambert’s words.
“Huh?”
“You’ve been following me since this morning… I have errands to run and it’s hard to do that when you’re breathing down my neck!”
Lambert instantly regrets his words the minute they leave his mouth. Aiden’s shoulders visibly sag at Lambert’s comment, his content expression melting into something sadder and the sight tugs at the wolf’s heartstrings in all the wrong ways. Aiden averts Lambert’s eyes shyly, the tip of his ears turning a pretty shade of pink as embarrassment washes over him. Lambert heaves a sigh. Way to act like a fucking dick.
“Sorry, Aiden. I… I didn’t mean to sound like an ass, but-”
“It’s alright, I… I knew this moment would come eventually.”
“What are you talking about?” Lambert asks, a confused frown etched on his face. Aiden doesn’t look at him when he replies in a voice far too small to belong to the lethal, cocky witcher Lambert has come to know over the past few months.
“You’re gonna ask me to leave for good. I get it. I… I’ll go back to the room and pack my things.”
As Aiden turns around to leave, Lambert’s hand shoots out and grabs a hold of Aiden’s wrist. Before Lambert’s brain has a chance to catch up, he finds himself pulling Aiden into a nearby alley, away from prying eyes of judgemental humans meandering the stalls of the midweek market. Aiden looks so unsure now, so vulnerable like this, and it makes Lambert want to wrap the Cat up in warm blankets and cuddle him and forget the world for a while. Instead, he settles on pressing Aiden’s back against the wall and draping himself around the Cat witcher as much as he can.
“That’s not what I meant,” Lambert breathes in the air pocket between them as he locks eyes with Aiden, “you’ve just been… especially clingy recently. Are you sure you’re alright?”
Aiden averts his eyes once again, but Lambert is quick to grip the other man’s chin and force Aiden to meet his gaze. Even that simple touch pulls a small hiss from Aiden, whose eyes flutter shut as he relishes in the feeling of Lambert touching him anywhere. Lambert purses his lips, eager for an answer.
“Aiden-”
“Winter is around the corner,” Aiden whispers, his tongue darting out to lick his suddenly dry lips. Lambert’s frown deepens.
“And?”
His question is met with a pointed eye roll from Aiden.
“And… wolves return to their dens for winter, don’t they? I was just… enjoying the last few weeks in your company before you leave and never come back.”
As the final piece of the puzzle slots into place, understanding dawns on Lambert. He pulls away from Aiden and the small whimper the loss of contact triggers does not go unnoticed. Something old and fragile aches in Lambert’s chest as the meaning of Aiden’s words sink in. Aiden isn’t just worried about being separated from Lambert for a few months, but he’s worried that Lambert will never come back.The wolf links his fingers with his Cat’s, squeezing softly as he leans into Aiden’s space and rubs his bearded cheek against Aiden’s jawline. The latter quickly melts under the soft ministrations, the soft content rumble deepening into a continuous purr as Lambert nuzzles the crook of Aiden’s neck.
“Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
“Yeah, right,” Aiden snorts in response, “cause you’re so good with feelings and shit.”
“Not everyone’s a sappy sentimental bitch like you are,” Lambert teases gently, earning himself a half-hearted slap up the back of the head. “I don’t have to go back to Kaer Morhen this winter.”
Aiden tenses, his soft purring stopping abruptly as he takes in Lambert’s words. Lambert continues to rub his cheek against Aiden’s jaw, his neck, his cheek… wherever he can reach, the action meant to soothe the brewing storm in Aiden’s mind.
“It’s your home,” Aiden offers weakly, “I don’t want… I… it’s your home.”
“I can send a letter to the old man. Let him know I’m alive. We could find a den somewhere else… an attic somewhere, or an abandoned castle.” Lambert nuzzles the spot right behind Aiden’s ear, earning a pleased hum from the Cat. “Or you could come with me.”
“Sure. Cause that’s gonna end well…”
“That’s settled then. I’m spending winter with you.”
Aiden pushes Lambert away, their eyes meeting once again but this time, Aiden searches for any trace of a lie in Lambert’s amber gaze. He finds none, because Lambert is one hundred percent honest in his offer. He would ditch Vesemir, Geralt and Eskel for a year to spend it with Aiden… and the thought should scare him more than it does, truthfully. He’s only known the Cat for a few months, and yet… well, maybe Lambert was dreading the winter as well. How about that? It’s not like he felt equally anxious about leaving Aiden, it’s just… fuck off.
“You mean that?”
“Mhm. Fair warning… I hate the cold. If I’m spending the winter with you, you’ll have to find a way to keep me warm or I will bite your head off.”
In Aiden’s defence, he does keep Lambert warm all winter long. Their cuddling finally turns into something more, and from the moment Lambert and Aiden cross that fateful line there is no going back. Aiden becomes insatiable, always seeking Lambert’s body in some shape or form, never letting the wolf out of his sight again. Lambert may have been apprehensive about many things concerning Aiden when the two started travelling together, but it turns out that all his worries were for nothing. Turns out Cat witchers are still crazy, and feral, and mercurial… a tad possessive as well, something Lambert doesn’t hate... but they’re also the cuddliest sons of bitches on the Continent.
Lambert can live with that, he thinks.
Request a prompt.
#havenwrites#fluff#angst#the witcher#wiedzmin#lambert the witcher#the witcher lambert#lambert#aiden#aiden the witcher#the witcher aiden#witcher lambert#witcher aiden#Lambden#laiden#lambert x aiden#aiden x lambert#aiden/lambert#lambert/aiden#soft#prompt fill#requests open
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@lynzine (sorry, not comment screenshot, maybe in a later edit), re: why not mention regret in Katara's ultimate decision to spare Yon Rha in an Inupiaq reading of The Southern Raiders
I don't think Katara was actually taking potential regret into consideration. It wasn't until the very moment she was about to deal the killing blow that she reconsidered. The entire episode focuses on revenge as something Katara needs, and when Aang and Sokka ask her to reconsider, her first reaction is to snap at them.
I think it was Sokka who was thinking of regret.
Sokka is goal-oriented and logical to a fault and emotional intelligence isn't exactly his strong suit, but he faced the same losses as Katara growing up. Theirs was a community haunted by violence and warfare. People getting taken away and killed was just part of the reality they grew up in. While it's Katara's nature to focus on the here and now, to fix the here and now, Sokka's always worried about the future. The scenario of revenge has probably played in his mind over and over and over again, and he probably came to the conclusion that unless his life was in danger, whatever he got out of killing the raider wouldn't be worth the blood on his hands.
Katara is not stupid. Sokka would know that after years of her managing to take care of people as best she can. But he does know that the future is often immaterial to her. She's not the plan guy, after all, he is. The fact she probably didn't think these things through at first doesn't mean she won't if he says something.
She's hurt. She feels everything so deeply and she had to separate from their father, again, after only just getting the chance to reunite, because Zuko's violently unhinged sister tracked them down with the intention of killing them all. Her own brother tells her maybe revenge isn't a good idea, and in her current state all she can respond to that with is "then you didn't love [Mom] like I did."
She may have begun to doubt how justified she would feel killing when the first guy wasn't the right one, but I think it was recognition and that stubborn empathy of hers more than anything. This man was on his knees, knowing he couldn't stop the violent death coming for him at the hands of someone more powerful. When that's the way her own mother died, how could she claim any moral superiority over it? How could she become the exact merciless and unrelenting monster she wanted to destroy?
Being unable to forgive him doesn't mean she has to stoop to his level. It's not what her mother would have wanted after dying the way she died.
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Pairing : Park Jimin x female OC (From reader's POV).
Genre : Yandere.
Warning : Implied stalking, non consensual touching, obsessive behaviour.
Full Masterlist and elaborate warning please read here.
ADDICTED
Summary :
What's forbidden is the most tempting. Jimin was always good at restraining himself. Only this time, she was too alluring for him.
"Sleeping with me was your biggest mistake."
Part 8 - Hooked
Jimin was falling in love.
He couldn't be more sure of that now. What else he would call this feeling, if it wasn't love?
The way he saw her was definitely different from all his previous girls. How she moved her body when she walked, or the style she dressed herself, how cute when she blinked her eyes in confusion, those delicate fingers when tucked away a knot of strayed hair to the back of her ear, even the cute manner when she sneezed, it had him completely mesmerized. Everything she did was too interesting for him to let his attention slipped away even for a moment, it started to randomly distracting him at work.
He couldn't allow this going on too long or Seokjin would give him more than an earful, especially with their giant ongoing project. He certainly couldn't afford any distraction at the moment.
He had to have her immediately. Only then, his desire could be quenched, and her presence next to him could calm down his scattered and hay-wired mind.
Watching her as she used her chopstick to plunge few pieces of dumpling into the hotpot, he swore he could spend the whole day just to watch her and he would be more than happy to take her everywhere she had wanted, went as far by silencing his phone and told himself that he could brace Seokjin's wrath for another day.
Because today was too special to be wasted.
It was roller skating day, which he preferred to call it a date, an unofficial and impromptu one, and he had his hyung to thank for that.
Because of the elder's ruse, her fiancee was forced to leave Seoul for Beijing immediately, to settle a brewing problem with a major urgent shipment on his company account.
With the amount of influence that Seokjin had inside the port of Tianjin custom officials, it could guarantee a broad complication that would make even a very resourceful businessman suffering from convoluted headache. Paperworks and bureaucracy were knotty, and it would take a while before the guy could come back home to Seoul, to his fiancee.
Jimin would have more than enough time to clear the ground and lay his plan, -plan A for that matter. He still had plan B and plan C supposedly the first one didn't work.
He always remembered all the things that Seokjin taught him during the early years he spent with the older guy. Planning was the essence of the whole game to ensure a successful execution. So when unexpected things happen, they would be more than ready to counter.
And when it came to her, failure wasn't an option. He had to gain her trust first if he wanted to incorporate himself into her life.
With a distracted mind and practically nothing to do without her fiancee, she was easy to sway when he convinced her to have some fun with him at the skating rink. And he just couldn't praise himself enough to come up with such brilliant idea.
Roller skating was easy for him, a child's play he learned during his youth back when he was wandering on the street after school. When he couldn't call his house a home, a period when the comfort that his friends on the street could offer was more relieving than to be with his own family.
He was lucky enough that he didn't strayed too far from the conventional moral value, especially with the absence of parental emotional support. It was fortunate that Seokjin found him at the time, right before he decided to do something he might definitely regret later.
To think about that, he made a mental note to buy a gift for the older man. Maybe a bottle of collectible wine or that Ming dynasty blue and white porcelain plate the man had been contemplating to buy from C.Y. Tse in Hongkong.
Not cheap, but to be able to get to her, he was willing to pay the price. Any price. Even if it costed more than he would usually agree upon.
His skill with roller skate really came in handy today, when he offered to teach her. All the while he guided her to keep her balance, putting his hand on her shoulder, her back, her waist, holding her hand while he tried to help her glided around, without slight suspicion coming from her. He wished time could be halted and he would have more moments with her just a bit longer.
He wanted more of her.
It was fortunate that she was completely oblivious of the gestures he made, too focused on maintaining her balance and avoided herself to tumble on the floor. She was so lousy on the wheel.
While Jimin witnessed how graceful she could be when carrying herself on her heels, but she was a complete disaster at the skating rink. Which worked so damn fine on his favor for that matter. A valid reason for him to put his hands all over her, sometimes in between he wasn't even being subtle about it.
Her scream when she was about to fall on her bum was too cute, and Jimin had to shoot some dark stare towards several boys who looked at her with longing eyes. He was almost too tempted to pull her and bring her home, lock her up in his house, away from other men's inquisitive eyes.
Having her next to him, he drank the sight of her while trying to memorize every detail of her features in his mind. She had a mole on the right side of her neck, near her clavicle. Which he already imagined how it would feel like when he kiss it later after he had her in his arm. Her brown black hair was smooth and shiny, smelled something similar to cherry blossom mixed with a hint of vanilla and rose -he wasn't sure, but he intended to find out what shampoo or hair perfume she was using. He would buy it and spray some on his pillow, as a consolation while he couldn't have her yet in his bed.
He didn't put camera in her bathroom, to leave some element of surprise about her, for his imagination to rush whenever he wasn't rooted on his laptop, watching her every move.
It was too bad that the skating session finally had to end, she was too hungry to continue.
But it was equally fine for him, now that he was sitting in front of her, he could still watch her while she ate those dumplings she had been craving for.
"You really like mandu, do you?" He chuckled gazing at her gobbled one whole piece, her cheek inflated on one side, reminded him of a cute little chipmunk.
But a chipmunk wouldn't have a pair of plump succulent breasts that looked so inviting, surely. The swell were plainly visible from her blue fitted blouse, Jimin mentally groaned when he felt the delicious twitch from his groin. It was like an itch he couldn't thoroughly scratch, lingering and maddening at the same time.
Fuck, he wasn't sure how long he could hold himself from having her right away, if not for his conscience kept reminding him the undesirable outcome of a reckless move.
"When I was in elementary, up until I entered high school, every saturday night would be our family dumpling wrapping session. Eomma would prepare a big bowl of seasoned pork filling with a stack of mandu-pi, and we all would sit together, wrapping and chatting, then boiled in hot pot for dinner after that. It was a tradition that came from my paternal grandparents. I guess my fondness of mandu comes from that."
She put another dumpling in her mouth, and there went that squirrel cheek again. He had to refrain from touching it with his fingers.
He swore to himself, she was too cute and pretty, his self restraint was put in a great trial.
"I see. Your family are quite close to each other." Very different from his own, he grimaced.
"Yes. Every chuseok and seollal we always gather with the whole family. My father is the oldest of four siblings, and my grandparents live with them, so all uncles and aunty will always come to our house to celebrate together with their family too."
Her face was deep pink in color, and she looked even more charming with that blushed complexion. It was her fifth shot, and seemed like she couldn't hold alcohol too well, her unduly happy giggle was a sign she started to get tipsy.
"I don't think you should drink anymore, you are drunk." He pushed the bottle of soju away from her, not wanting to worsen her current state.
He could tell that she was the happy type when drunk, and he really didn't want to catch any attention just in case she couldn't control her laugh. Appearance and reputation were everything for him, again, thanks to Seokjin who always taught him that, drill it into his mind from time to time.
And the risk to be in the news the next morning with an unconcious woman in his arm when he left the restaurant wouldn't do any good for him, especially with Seokjin's conscientious character, he would be doomed. They were no celebrities, but when one have money and power under their influence, people would always find interest in what was going on in their life.
"Don't be ridiculous, I'm not even near. And ..... you should drink too. To celebrate." She swayed her hands in slapdash, a smile plastered on her lips, before downing another shot of soju.
"Besides, this is my treat. As repayment for that wedding dress. You shouldn't chip in, you know. I feel like, ... it's ... it's kind of inappropriate. We just met, and both of us are engaged." She frowned at him, giving him a cute glare.
"You were so doubtful to choose, and I knew you wanted that one. You shouldn't think too much when it comes to wedding gown, just buy one that your heart really look into. It's a once in a lifetime experience."
Jimin thought about the two million won he just shared with her to buy the dress. She was very indecisive, thinking not to burden his fiancee and wanted to save money but at the same time he also knew, she wanted that gown so bad.
And he was too impatient to wait, wanting to spend time alone with her as soon as possible, so in the heat of the moment, he just handed his credit card and paid for it.
She rejected, of course, furiously. And in the end, he relented, and asked the sales girl to deduct his card a third from the value on the tag, to fasten the process. She initially complained, but he wouldn't be at the top of his game if he didn't know how to handle a woman.
It wasn't a big problem, that wasn't a significant amount for him, he usually spent more whenever he was bar and club hopping with Jungkook, or spoiling their partner after a very good fuck.
Besides, in the end, he would be the one who would undress her on her wedding night, -not her fiancee.
Just think of it as a gift for a great achievement later. She would be the beautiful present for him.
"Still, I hope your fiancee won't get mad. Where is she, btw? Why won't she join us?"
He cursed inwardly. He almost forgot, his imaginary fiancee. Sooner or later, she would want to meet with her, especially when they got closer. He had to come up with a good reason as to why she had never come along with him.
"She is currently in Tokyo, you know, to be with her family. We are doing a long distance relationship for three months already."
It sounded believable, the lie came out pretty easily.
"Ah, must be quite difficult for the both of you. I'm really not good into physical separation, it will never work for my impatient self. It's admirable, really."
Tell me about it, he chuckled darkly in his mind. He was close enough to jump on her right now, long distance relationship definitely not for his horny ass.
Looking at her face, it was obvious that she wouldn't be able to go home by herself. She was beyond tipsy. Another good reason for him not to leave her alone.
"Do you want to finish the rest? If not, let me take you home. Can you stand up by yourself?"
It was one hour later when she finally settled in her bedroom, completely passed out.
Observing her apartment overall, it was a bit different from the view through the micro camera.
In reality, it was more lavish, contemporary designed with advanced technology and furniture.
From state of the art kitchen with built in triple door fridge, integrated four burner induction cooktop and a double deck oven, to the spacious granite kitchen island that could accommodate at least six persons. There was separate dining room next to it, and a laundry room.
A waste of space and money, because he had never seen her cook all this time he was watching her.
The lounge room was utilized with hightech home theater system, long leather sofa, and fully stocked minibar, which judging by her poor ability to handle alcohol, most of the drink probably belonged to her fiancee. There were three bedrooms, three shower rooms and a separate toilet, also a study room facing the view of Seoul city.
Her master bedroom was almost the same size with his own at Shangri-la, only this one had a massive walk-in wardrobe occupying almost half the whole space.
The content were equally extravagant, full with clothes, shoes and branded bags from edge to edge. Not the high end brand, as he already knew, but still on the premium range.
Such a daddy little princess.
He knew she came from a rich family, but to live in a huge apartment only by herself, apparently his father spoiled her to the neck. A unit this size in the area would cost at least one billion won.
No worries though, later it would be him who spoil her, he was more than able for that, she would be his darling princess. Imagining her to call him 'Daddy' in bed already got him so hard.
Jimin stared at the woman, peacefully sleeping on her plush king bed.
Naomi was a heavy sleeper, he knew that from the many nights he watched her in her sleep. Now that the booze played a role, she was practically a log.
Sitting next to her, his fingers softly stroke her cheek, checking whether she would make any reaction.
But there was no any movement, not even a stir.
His heartbeat accelerated when suddenly an indecent thought flashed in his mind. She had been in his fantasy for quite sometime, he couldn't remember when was the last time he had a satisfying release.
Maybe tonight was meant to be, it was his luck apparently.
Eventhough he didn't like an unresponsive woman, it was kind of a blow to his ego, that he had to stoop this low, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
There was a voice in the back of his mind, trying to remind him, he wasn't one to lower himself to this level, taking advantage of an unconcious woman was far from his usual gentleman manner.
But again, he didn't intend to fuck her, no-, that was certainly morally embarrassing and degrading for someone like him.
He would just use her to help him to get off. He needed a satisfying release so bad, almost to the point of going insane.
Slowly, his fingers worked on the buttons of her blouse, the studs seemed like worked hard to hold the placket altogether, her breasts were plump and large.
She was so pretty, and those breasts -oh god, he cursed her fiancee, that damn man could have this all the time, such an undeserving bastard.
He moved a finger gently, making a tentative stroke along her neck to her collarbone, going down to the slit between the twin mounds, gauging the possibility of her to be awake.
Goodness, not only she smelled so good, soft and feminine, but her pretty face was so innocent, made him wanted to ruin her.
He halted on her covered nipple, making a soft pinch, - testing the water-, she was still unmoving, drowning in her deep slumber.
He got even bolder, he moved to another nipple, this time he gave several stroke, he could sense the sensitive bud stiffened, there was a weak moan coming from her, startling him in the middle of his act.
Gazing at her face, her eyes were still shut completely, she was definitely unconcious.
He stood up, bringing his fingers on his shirt buttons, slowly unlatched it, while staring at the long mirror installed a few meters from the bed, on the wall next to the bathroom door.
To hell with his ego and morality, if he didn't get her tonight, he didn't know when he would have the chance.
He just had to make the most out of the opportunity.
He was on his second button from the last, when his phone vibrated twice, along with a ping, indicating the signal from the motion sensor of the installed camera at the hallway in front of her apartment.
Curious, he opened the application, waiting until the streamed image fully loaded, before his eyes caught the figure of a man standing in front of Naomi's door.
The ex-boyfriend.
Turned out it wasn't his luck today.
But still, she was fortunate that Jimin was there, otherwise he couldn't imagine what was that guy probably would do inside her apartment.
Buttoning his shirt back in a hurry, he reached to his coat on the couch, where a small blade was slipped in its inner pocket.
He had to forget his libido, and someone was gonna pay for his predicament.
Time to do some hunt tonight.
Part 9 - Vanished
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Scene Stealer
Pairing: Rafael Casal x Reader
Word Count: 1.6k
Warnings: Minors DNI, a little angst, some language, a smidge of jealousy, but mostly just fluff! No smut! 😃 All errors my own.
A/N: This an ask from @wreakhavoconmacroissantdiggs for the Show Runner AU. I really love these two. Hope you enjoy, Loves! 💚
Read the previous part, Sundancer .
Hi lovely! Idk if your still doing requests right now? If you are can I have a fluffy/soft-ish moment between Rafa and reader? In the Showrunner AU and reader is actively filming a scene and Rafa's being difficult, lol
Your relationship was the talk of the town, especially since you accompanied Rafael on the red carpet of his latest win; it also happened to be your first nomination.
Ever since you went public, you were content with being ‘partners.’ You, especially, said there was no need for anything more. You didn’t want to tie Rafael to you, because you didn’t own him.
Art was the most important thing, not a conflict diamond and a piece of paper.
Rafael quickly agreed. After all, it had been his manifesto. You two had a perfect understanding. Until you got this role.
This gig required you to dance, and you hadn’t used your classical training in a while. You were nervous as hell.
“Who does music videos with this big a budget any more?”
You just rolled your eyes as Rafa as he delivered the shade. He would never outright say that he didn’t want you to do it; he always supported you, but you could tell it bothered him.
There was a slight tension in the air in the days leading up to filming, but you both pretended nothing was up. You were busy with rehearsal, so you brushed the thoughts of this shift in your relationship aside.
Maybe he was a little tight because you told him that the singer could definitely get it during a cast party before you two were a thing. Except in Rafael’s mind.
Rafa had taken mental notes on everything about you, and this one he didn’t forget. But, he loved you, and he was going to ride for you. Right?
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On the day of the shoot, Rafa pulled up to the studio at about 1:30. He agreed to meet you there when you invited him for moral support. You’d been there since 11 am.
He shook his head to himself as he was shown to your dressing room, lamenting the fact that he didn’t bring Diggs, because he would be the one needing moral support today.
Rafael knocked on the door and heard you say, "Come in!"
He walked in and saw you in a big, poofy, but short wedding dress. A more elaborate ballet tutu, but still definitely a wedding dress. Rafael was thrown for a loop, so he just stood there, taking you in. He felt like he was breaking a rule, looking at you in this dress.
You looked absolutely amazing.
The make up artist was working on you, but you turned around and grinned when you saw him in the mirror.
Rafa felt like he needed to sit down.
"What do you think?"
Rafael actually couldn't think. He looked down and noticed that you had your pointe shoes on. They matched your skin tone perfectly and extended your lovely legs.
He began to feel warm, a heat which began in his chest and radiated throughout his entire torso. But he was a thug. He tried to express it.
"You look beautiful...."
His throat was dry. What the fuck was wrong with him?
To you, Rafa looked a bit like a fish, his mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out.
"What?" You cocked your head at him.
Rafa recovered and moved toward you. ‘Keep your cool,’ he thought.
You shrugged at him, turned back around to the mirror, and continued.
"I would never actually wear anything like this. It's too poofy and big. Too princess-y. Not my style." You grimaced.
"You look beautiful." It finally came out.
Rafael smiled, feeling an overwhelming desire to kiss you. The makeup artist exited and Rafa was left staring at you in the mirror again. You were a vision.
He cleared his throat, deciding to lighten the mood.
"Can I climb under that dress and do what I want to do?"
You threw your head back and laughed. Once again, Rafael was caught in your spell.
"I'm working babe, but we can arrange something later..."
‘Whatever you say, my love,’ Rafael thought.
But what he said was, "Cool."
--------
When filming started, Rafael stood out of the way behind the camera to watch. It was a church scene and apparently what you had to do was dance down the aisle to the altar for the wedding scene.
You were lowkey checking for Rafa, and everytime you looked over, he was glowering at you, the set up, or back seat directing. You could read him like a book, and he was not amused or positive about this.
That only made you more tense and out of the zone. You began to regret inviting him. What was his problem? Was he jealous? He was being an ass, and you were going to tell him about himself later.
You ignored him as you stretched to get ready for another take. You were not going to let him ruin this for you.
---------
Rafael saw you and melted. He watched, mesmerized, as you danced toward the star of the video. Rafael’s heart clenched when you reached them and kissed them lightly on the lips.
It happened at least six times for the different takes and angles, and Rafa had visions of dragging you away from there, but he remained calm.
Rafael had no idea that his emotions were so loud. All pretense, all acting skills, all professionalism went out of the window the moment he saw you in that wedding dress.
He just did not think this production was up to the standard of you. And he caught on to the interactions between you and the star of the video between takes. It was not cool
You ran through a couple more takes and finally it was time for the last scene, the love scene.
You were whisked back into your dressing room for a wardrobe change. Rafa paced up and down in the hallway to calm himself down. After a few minutes he thought it worked.
Until you came back out.
You were in the sexiest black nightgown he'd ever seen. And those heels. You looked hot as fuck. But when he looked into your eyes, it was clear that you were terrified.
"Rafa, I don't think I can do this. I'm not feeling it…” Nerves were getting to you.
“They are sooo not like I thought they were. They're kind of…. There’s no chemistry. And I’m a hack actor if I can’t do this…” You bowed your head, ashamed.
Rafa hooked his fingers under your chin and brought your head up. He looked at you sternly. He was angry. But not at you.
“Energy up. Expectations down.”
You tried to respond with a brave smile, but you were really about to burst into tears. Rafael grabbed your hand and pulled you back into your dressing room. He made sure to lock the door.
You thought you knew what he wanted.
“Rafa, we don’t have time for that, I…”
“C’mere.”
Rafael hushed you and grabbed your hand, pulling you into his embrace. His large hand was on your lower back, and he held your other to his chest, beginning a slow dance to music only he could hear.
You looked up at him quizzically and raised your eyebrow.
“Rafa, what…”
“I know that we talked about not seeing the need for marriage in this crazy world, and that we are married to our art, but take a little mind excursion with me…”
You fell into rhythm with him as he began to whisper-sing “Hideaway.”
…See you’ve had the wrong plan
been sipping the wrong wine
Ay ay… let me put you on my vibe.
“Imagine we’re dancing at our wedding…”
You snapped your head up and looked in his emerald eyes. They twinkled down at you.
“I said, ‘imagine.’ This is just an exercise.”
“I would write a new song just for you and sing it while we’re dancing and get you wet for me but make you wait until after we party all night with our friends to get some.”
He smiled down at you and you were with it, getting into the fantasy. You swayed with him a little longer and smiled back up at him. Rafael’s stomach flipped.
So of course he twirled you away from him and back into his arms. His hand moved down your back to your ass.
“Seeing you in this would be the perfect wedding present. Imagine me waiting on you, not wanting to wait any more to touch you, taste you. Make you a mama.”
You stopped and stared at Rafael.
“….That’s quite the imagination you have there…”
Rafa stared back at you. “I am a creator. I create wild musings.” He turned you around to face the mirror.
“Use it.”
He put his hands in your satin covered hips.
“Pretend you’re a woman who would want that. Marriage. A husband who would cherish you and try to make you happy.”
Rafael bent down to hug you from behind, pressing his cheek aside yours.
You gazed at your reflections in the mirror. In that moment at least, you were that woman.
Rafael kissed your neck. You closed your eyes and you felt it before you opened them, but when you did, he had stepped away.
“Now go out there and pretend that person is what that woman wants.” Rafael looked at you in that way one more time before he cleared his throat and looked down.
You straightened up and walked toward the door.
“Thanks for the fantasy, Cash.” You looked back at him.
Rafa winked at you. “Anytime.”
——-
Three hours later, after you’d killed the scene and production had wrapped, Rafa waited for you in the parking lot, smoking and dialing Diggs on the phone.
“Whattup. D. I need you to talk me out of buying a rock.”
--------
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@braidedchallah @theatrenerd86 @sebastianabucknettastan @imatyoursurrvicesurr @riiyy @lonelydance @jbrizzywrites @honeysucklechocolatedrippin @anh1020 @sillyteecup @ohsoverykeri @theselilwonders @biafbunny @summerofsnowflakes @honeysucklechocolatedrippin @wreakhavoconmacroissantdiggs @janthonybitch
#Rafael Casal#rafael x reader#rafael casal x reader#rafael casal fanfiction#rafael casal series#rafael casal fluff#rafael casal angst#rafael casal x you#Showrunner AU
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Deja Vu
Hi everyone! This is the second part of Deja Vu and while I will say its not as angsty as part 1, it is definitely far from resolved. I hope you guys enjoy!! I linked part 1 down below for those who haven't read it yet :)
Part 1
wordcount//2402
********
Aelin heaved for air as she rounded the corner of the street towards her apartment. Glancing at her watch, she noticed the time and coerced her body into a brisk jog to finish her afternoon run. Arobynn had clearly stated that she was needed in the office at 1:00 pm sharp. For what, who knew but him.
The man was utter filth and Aelin was completely aware of every leering gaze he threw her way. The way he shifted towards her whenever she walked into a room, the gleam of some sort of promise lingering in his gray eyes. Yet, Aelin could not give 2 fucks. She was becoming his prodigy, and she embraced the infinite work he piled on her month after month. While her title was still Hamel Hotel’s Brand Manager, she practically ran the company itself now. If she was being quite honest with herself, she hated her job most days and thought about quitting at least 3 times a week.
But every time she felt like pulling her hair out from the stress of dealing with incompetent colleagues and a boss who eye fucked her every second of every day, Aelin reminded herself that the alternative was way worse.
It had been almost a year since she ended it with Rowan, but it felt more like a lifetime. Only 6 months ago she had been crippled by heartbreak and rage, blinded by her own emotions and unable to see a future for herself. Unable to even think beyond the next hour, completely focused on her breathing. How she only had to breathe through the waterfall of tears cascading down her face, for one more minute. And then another, and another, until she could sit up and wipe away the fog wrapped around her brain.
But now, her heart was encased in an iron-clad box with no key. Because as she had laid across her floor all those months ago, sniveling snot like she was 5 years old, Aelin had had an epiphany. Not just pertaining to Rowan, but to romance in general. All the ice-cream dates and movie marathons, sunset picnics and belting songs in the car, have all been done before. Nothing about her and Rowan was special. All the great romantic tropes were being used by everyone else on this godforsaken planet at any given time.
Once Aelin let this new reality sink in, she had decided to never let herself become so undone by a man who couldn't give her an original love story. No one would ever have the power to crush her heart into pieces except herself, and Aelin would be damned if she let the same person in twice. With her new promise, Aelin had thrown herself into her work, filling her days so full that there was no time to think. No time to reminiscence or let her regrets see the light of day. She woke up early and ended late, passing out every night from pure exhaustion. Her tactics were less than stellar, but Aelin never thought of her green-eyed bird boy anymore, and that was all she needed.
She trudged up the stairs of her apartment, practically slamming her body into the door from lack of energy and not enough water. Entering the living room, Aelin threw her clothes off haphazardly, naked by the time she got to the shower. After a quick rinse, she flew back to her room to paint makeup on her face and find a suitable outfit.
It was standard for the women in the office to dress to Arobynn’s tastes, meaning fairly low necklines and silhouette framing outfits. The thought was disgusting, but Aelin wasn’t below using her looks to earn a place higher than Brand Manager. As much as she hated to admit it, if Aelin kept working to the bone, she truly believed Arobynn would give her the raise she so wanted. The raise she deserved for fucks sakes. With a glance in the mirror and a nod of approval to her reflection, Aelin was ready to go into battle once again.
----
Arobynn was ecstatic for his own standards, smiling with genuine excitement as she entered his office. Rifthold had a stunning downtown area, filled with sky-high buildings and classic architecture mixed with modern features, the Hamel Hotel in town being at its center.
Arobynn’s office was extravagant to a point of gaudiness, revolting Aelin every time she stepped inside. He glanced at her chest as she sat down, pleased with her choice of blouse today if the smirk on his face was any indication. The seat sank with her as she settled into the plush surface, settling her legs in a crossed position, ever the professional businesswoman.
“Darling, I see that we were running a bit late today, but that’s no matter now.” Aelin glanced down at herself, trying to find the source of such a comment. As her eyes dragged up her own body, Aelin saw the mistake that gave her away. Her blouse buttons were askew, the buttons incorrectly aligned creating an odd, sagging neckline. Well, no wonder he was staring at her chest earlier, the black bra peeking through the gaps in her shirt. Fidgeting with her shirt as she noticed the mistake, Aelin dropped her hands and quickly resigned to fix it later. Of course Arobynn would notice the tiny, careless mistake in her appearance. But with his mind on other matters, Arobynn was already moving on barely noticing her squirming.
“I have exciting news for us, Aelin. The kind that could put Hamel Hotels in the spotlight.” With a quick turn of his laptop, he presented her with the picture of a young man, about her own age. He was pale, but not alarmingly so. His hair was tousled and dark, the pieces framing a boyish looking face. The smile on his face seemed innocent enough until you looked into those sapphire eyes, a hint of trouble managing to show itself. In a short summary, the man was gorgeous.
“This boy right here is Dorian Havilliard, a nobody from some town called Rifthold down south. Apparently, he has made quite a name for himself on the online writing world, becoming internet famous for erotic writing, among other genres.” With that word, erotic, Aelin could’ve sworn his eyes darkened ever so slightly while glancing her way. Brushing away the wave of nausea assaulting her senses, Aelin focused back into reality.
“ He looks charming enough sir, but what use is he to Hamel Hotels?”
“Havilliard is making his debut into the publishing world this weekend at a lower level author’s convention in Terrasen at one of our Hamel Hotel properties. If we can introduce ourselves and graciously offer him Hamel Hotel’s finest amenities, I am convinced that we can get him to host all of his future events with our hotel. Dorian is young, naïve, and will be flattered by our offers. I will make sure of it.” Arobynn was unbecoming, his hands erratically gesturing back and forth between the computer and Aelin. His gray eyes were crazed, the prospect of such business and money to the Hotel’s as enticing as a woman at night.
“That’s a brilliant idea Mr. Hamel. I can leave as soon as you would like, and I assure you I can get the job done.” Only the best of her saccharine smiles was painted on Aelin’s face. She presented nothing less to the man who controlled her future. Besides, it would be nice to get out of Rifthold for once. The city was gorgeous, but a change in scenery from the hustle of downtown sounded relaxing. Yes, Terrasen with its rolling hills and sunny atmosphere would be welcome.
“As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm Ms. Galathynius, this matter is too important for you to handle alone. This evening, we will be taking my private plane to Terrasen so I can assist you in the convincing of Mr. Havilliard. Our suite is being readied as we speak. The driver will pick you up at your apartment around 5:30.” With a wave of his hand, Arobynn dismissed her from the room, already focused on his laptop once more.
With a short “yes, sir” in response, Aelin made to leave the office. But as she opened the doors to exit, Arobynn stopped her short.
“And Miss Galathynius, remember we are trying to persuade this young man to work with us in the future. Dress accordingly.” Aelin turned back around quickly, hiding the surprise on her face. Arobynn had always displayed questionable morals, but he was becoming bolder in his comments. In his admiration too.
It was only later when she was packing her clothes that she realized his wording. Our suite is being readied. Not his. Aelin’s stomach roiled with anxiety at having to spend the night so close to the monster that was her boss.
But as her hands shook with the effort to continue folding her clothes, and her throat dried up to where she couldn’t find the ability to swallow her nerves, Aelin reached down to that empty pit within herself. The same wave of calm that had encased her 6 months ago protected her now, and she continued to sort her items into the luggage in front of her.
The driver came at 5:30 on the dot. She boarded the plane, and listened to Arobynn ramble about his genius and plans for the next day. They landed in Terrasen, surrounded by luscious green landscapes and rays of the golden hour shining around them.
Yet, Aelin felt nothing.
-------
Rowan was one edge, constantly glancing at the dark haired young man sitting next to him. Dorian Havilliard was a genius with pen and paper, that much was certain. Even Rowan had enjoyed the young authors short stories, the smut not completely welcome but admittedly well written.
The man himself was a completely different story. Although he was only 2 years below Rowans 24, Dorian was a fucking wildcard. They had only been at the hotel for 30 minutes and he had already gotten himself lost in the booze and women down near the bar.
Rowan had seen the young man’s nerves, how his hands shook when Maeve detailed his debut with The Cadre as his publishing team and the speech he would have to give earlier that week. Maeve was an intimidating woman and if Rowan had been in his spot when he first started with The Cadre, he would be pissing himself too.
Despite this level of understanding, Dorian’s antics were still unacceptable. All eyes were on him this weekend, the word spreading that he would be attending the convention thanks to a leak. Whether that leak came from The Cadre themselves was neither her nor there. Dorian’s books will fly off the shelves, but they needed people invested in him first. And that meant PR. A shit ton of PR to be more specific. And what better way to do it when the countries authors were all gathered in one convention hall for the weekend.
The whole team came out to Terrasen, all of them concerned for how they were going to corral Dorian for the whole event. Maeve joined as well, ready to micromanage The Cadre and network the hell out of these authors. And because Maeve came, that meant Lyria followed.
Rowan and Lyria had fallen into a comfortable relationship. After all that pain a year ago, Rowan felt okay to date now. Lyria’s company wasn’t unwelcome and the situationship had slowly evolved into a relationship. There wasn’t any passion or burning love for one another, at least on Rowan’s side, but their companionship was a nice presence in his life.
Although he would never acknowledge it, Rowan was scared to love with his entire soul like he had with Aelin. The more he opened his heart, the more opportunity there was for someone to come and crush it to pieces. If he had to experience that misery again, Rowan would never recover. He barely had last time, and he still wasn’t back to who he used to be. Back to how happy he used to be.
Shaking away his thoughts Rowan turned to Dorian, only to find an empty chair next to him. That tricky bastard. With a shove of his seat, Rowan reached into his pocket unlocking his phone. He texted a quick help to The Cadre and a separate message to Lyria, asking them to start the manhunt.
Rowan scanned every face in the bar, unsuccessful in his search. Walking towards the lobby, Rowan almost shoved an elderly woman to the ground in his rush. As he turned to help the lady steady herself, Rowan apologized profusely for his mistake. The woman waved him away carelessly, hobbling towards a man who he assumed was her husband.
Straightening himself once again, Rowan started walking with determination only to be stopped dead in his tracks. Because only feet away from was Aelin Galathynius.
She hadn’t noticed him yet, and Rowan took the time to admire her appearance. Her hair was clasped behind her head, golden pieces falling to the sides of her face. Her outfit was business professional, but more revealing than most outfits he had seen so far with a low cut blouse and slimming black pencil skirt with matching black heels. As he made his way up her body, the sight of her ocean blue eyes took his breath away once again. Rowan didn’t think he would ever grow used to Aelin’s brilliant presence, attracting glances from men and women alike.
But as he looked closer at her, those beautiful eyes didn’t have the same fire they did a year ago. In fact, there was no emotion at all shown on her features. Nothing at all. Out of every moment of heartbreak and sorrow she had caused him, the sight of her utterly devoid of feeling was the most painful thing Rowan had ever experienced.
After eons, Aelin finally turned his way. As she made eye contact with him, Rowan finally saw something flicker in her eyes. Surprise. They continued to look at one another, stuck in a world of their own making. Rowan couldn’t find it in his heart to break their connection, damn the consequences. And as they stood frozen in a fantasy, for the first time in a year, Rowan truly smiled.
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Song: Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo
Pairings: Tooru Oikawa x fem! reader
Word count: 8k
A/N: wow im so thankful for those who waited this long for the sequel so here it is, i really hope you guys like this one and im semi sorry for the pain, but thank u!
previous
“I can’t find her, Oikawa!” Iwaizumi shouts with his voice trembling in secret, hands gripping each side of the steering wheel, feeling his heart race faster than his own engine. He couldn’t bear to watch the weary eyes of the person beside him. Deep down he knew it had something to do with his sudden presence. There’s no possible way that when everything has been going amazing for the both of you, it all turns into dust with the quick change of events.
Because of him.
He should’ve known that the arrival of Oikawa would bring you back to rock bottom and him along with it but even if he seemed prepared for the upcoming events- the impact of how painful it was never lessened.
What if you knew?
What if you knew that you were soon to be off his hands and return to Oikawa’s instead?
Imagining you with a suitcase in hand, watching you drag it as you walked beside Tooru to say goodbye to him while you both leave for Argentina is a sight that could make his now healed heart return to the shreds that it was when his best friend called him to tell him about his plans of bringing you back. It may have been a few days after that agonizing call but his heart has never been more content to see you smiling. You were both patching each other's missing pieces and even created new and better ones, replacing the sharp bits that deserved it.
But the boy who thought he could return it to its proper condition— ended up tearing them apart.
Tooru struggles to stay put in his seat. His heart held the same pace as Iwaizumis, maybe even faster. He visualized his coming home would’ve been better than this. Sure, he didn’t expect it to be a happy moment. He knew the different emotions you could portray once you see him and he prepares himself for the tears and the punches you’d throw knowing very well it was something he deserved.
He just wishes he didn’t have to see you tucked away in Hajimes’ arms. ��
But with Himari, he could expect something worse than that.
Oikawa looks over to Himari who bit her fingers, anxious on whatever was going on. He could sense the way Iwaizumi’s posture tensed up when they got in his car, though he might have mentioned what his intentions were, he felt like he still needed to repeat it to make him stop his doubts. The setter has mentioned Hirami to Iwaizumi through the call but there was still the threatening silence that surrounds you three.
“Please before you think or say anything else, we’re not in a relationship. Fuck, I would never do that to her and you know that.”
No matter what Oikawa said, there isn’t an ounce of ease that falls on Iwaizumi. The ace knows how your tears fell for the blonde. How you managed to doubt every feature of yours and replace them thinking that she was the version of perfection you wanted to obtain. You weren’t close to perfect but in the eye of the two players— you were certainly close to it. Himari may have been the ideal you looked for but Iwaizumi stood behind to make sure you never question yourself again. Witnessing how you cried for her, he just can’t stand acting like an acquaintance to the girl who you thought was Oikawa’s new lover.
But there she was, seated at the back with her thoughts running to where you were.
Himari finally sees the importance of coming back to Japan within the minutes of being seated in the vehicle. It had been months since she met the setter and not a day passes where she could see the loneliness in his eyes but there were subtle hints of joy in his voice. Seeing him get excited about arranging the apartment, even asking her if the area was close to some locations where they could relax, had her wondering just how you were stuck in his heart.
At a certain moment, she enters the apartment Oikawa planned for the two of you to see him in the room clutched tightly on a pillow with tears in his eyes. It was the first time the apartment had been officially his and the first night he spent it with his usual choice of emotion— regret. She came in such a wrong time. Instead of being able to congratulate him in settling down in Argentina, she managed to sympathize with him instead. Then it began— the stories, the confessions, you. Everything that escaped his mouth that night all consisted of sentences dedicated to tell her how much of a mark you left on his life.
With the stories he told, she was excited to meet you. She wanted to hug you if you’d let her because she too was abandoned by a lover with another woman. She didn’t side with Oikawa when she found out that he was the reason, he received a smack to the head when she heard. It shouldn’t circle in her mind knowing you two were strangers but she never wanted anyone to go through the pain that she had passed. To think that Oikawa spoke so often of you yet he was the one to let your relationship part like he wanted to do, felt too ironic to believe.
So, she helped him. Remembering what she went through for her past half, she couldn’t handle seeing another pair withstand it. Especially when there was a chance to save it.
But the blind eye and weakened mindset is to blame for the misunderstanding.
“I’m sorry but do you think she’s just back at his apartment?” Himari asks but Iwaizumi shakes his head. He knew you too well. You always promised that if you were to leave, you’d always come back before 11pm because he’d never sleep properly if you were out of his sight. It was way pass 10 and he left the apartment at 9:40pm to meet with Oikawa, needing his assistance in finding you. Now it’s 10:17 and he’s yet to receive any messages from you which fed his anxiety.
He wanted to find you by himself but he knew how much Oikawa was begging the sky for you to meet with him again.
So, for the hundredth time, he forgets what his heart desired for him to do.
“There’s no way. Y/N should’ve been back now- fuck Oikawa what if she saw you?” Iwaizumi asks, his grip tightening more at the thought. The setter fiddled with his hands as the ace felt the weight of his worries. It was the worst thing that could happen but it became real without their acknowledgement.
With the possibility ringing in their heads, Oikawa steps into your shoes as he feels just how shattered your heart could’ve been if you saw him. Barely any time to explain himself or even get to be near you after a year of being away from you had his emotions tangled in knots but he needed to find a way to tame his and Iwaizumi’s fears.
“Hajime, calm down.” Oikawa tries— or at least begs him to do. It’s seen how his breaths weren’t under control and his usual composed figure was trembling with panic. If Iwaizumi fails to keep his mind straight, they’d be prone to danger.
“I can’t- you don’t understand!” He shouts as Tooru was taken aback by it, later his fists form a ball as he began to feel how unfair everything’s been. Hajime was underestimating Oikawa too much to the point that it looks like he wasn’t nearly as concerned.
“I don’t understand? I haven’t seen her in a fucking year and now she’s possibly missing and you don’t think I’m not losing my goddamn mind?” Oikawa argues back while Iwaizumi scoffs.
“Why didn’t you visit her then? Don’t tell me you weren’t ready while Y/N was ready to come back to you the moment you left!”
Again, he was dumbfounded.
He could never win against what was true.
He truly wasn’t. Booking a flight and packing was the easiest part there is but the words that ran through his mind weren’t sure if he’d ever voice it out. The confrontation, to see you so broken because of him? Who can be ready for such a thing?
He left without goodbyes, it’s a crime to come back and act like it didn’t happen.
Yet what he’s been so at rage at was the fact that you found sanctuary in Iwaizumis’ arms instead of his.
“You’re acting like you don’t fucking love her too!”
The way Oikawa’s voice echoed through the car made Iwaizumi’s heartbeat way louder than he expected.
He was trapped, wasn’t he?
Iwaizumi deeply let’s his decision sit in his mind before his mouth could release it from him. Would a scoff mirror his denial? Averting the topic would lead to the same impression but if he agrees- that draws a line for years long of friendship between him and Oikawa. Covering a lie is better than whole heartedly admitting how he’s grown attached to you, while the man who left you was still in love with you like he was. Trying to lie to himself and allowing the denial stick with him was a situation he’d never be able to escape.
The first time he’s ever loved someone turns into a war—battling with his morals and the person who’s fought by his side throughout the years.
But what would be the prize if he won?
“I know where she could be.” Oikawa suggests, his voice holding calmness but his mind let Iwaizumi’s silence in his previous comment rest in his mind. He couldn’t look at him because he understood why his own best friend would fall for you. He wasn’t oblivious to the time it took him to answer, or even how his eyes widened like a deer in headlights. He knew either way. The moment where Iwaizumi moved in with you- it was bound to happen because loving you is something that both boys will do until one of them bends a knee, even if one of them fails to be the first to do so.
“How are you sure she’d be there?” The young trainer asks as Oikawa sighs sadly when he reminisces to the time where he had met you on a little park on the way home. He figured that the way you looked that night was the same reaction you’d have if you saw him.
“What are you doing here?” Tooru asks, a curious yet worried tone in his voice. He watches you lift your head from your hands to look at him before tensing up when you realized who was standing in front of you. You quickly wiped your eyes as your stare remains anywhere but where he was.
“It’s nothing.” You whispered as he shakes his head before taking the seat next to you, looking at you while he wonders on how he can help even if he had no business to.
“You’d kill me if I say that your acting is a 5/10.” He jokes while you rolled your eyes, not needing the teases but what held you back from being arrogant was that you could feel how he wanted to stay with you.
“Whatever problem that is- I’m here if you ever need me.” Tooru says, his voice lowering showing how sincere he was with his words. Carrying burden on your shoulders isn’t to be face when you’re all alone so he was willing to take some of the heaviness if you let him.
“Thanks, Oikawa.” You said, looking at him with gratitude. He smiles before standing up with a hand extended for you to take while you stare at him with confusion.
“Tooru. It’s better that way.” He says while you smile fondly taking his hand while you stand up, taking the spot beside him.
You were thankful that he didn’t bother to ask what caused this breakdown and he chose to let his presence do the comfort you really needed.
“What’s your favorite food?” You look at him with an eyebrow raised as he waits for your answer. With the endless choices you had to pick one— which was a struggle but you had to respond.
“It’s F/F.”
“Then I’ll take you to the place that serves the best of it.”
He shakes his head before looking at Iwaizumi while the other boy sighs, choosing to trust Oikawa. He was in another realization that there were still missing parts of your relationship that you haven’t told him and it makes him feel like a cast away but he had no other option.
“We have to try and go to that location.” Himari suggests making Hajime sigh knowing trying is the only way to lead you back to him. He gestures for Oikawa to tell him the where while he listens intently on the details. Finding himself familiar with the place, he sighs in relief when he realizes it was a place located near the path you’d take home in your high school days.
But why was he nervous?
Every part of him was aching with anxiety even if he trusted Oikawa. Tooru knows more about you than Iwaizumi but the ace felt as if he was too close to finally knowing you the way the captain did. He was close to landing a soft spot in your heart- perhaps he’s already earned it but there’s still that worry that even if he tries, it wouldn’t alter.
What if he sees you all bruised up? What if your clothes were ripped and how could he continue to act like it wasn’t his fault he let you wander alone? Though he feels like you’d scold him when you find out he’s laid the blame upon himself.
He just thinks about how he wanted things to be different from the way it was now.
Iwaizumi believed Oikawa, he truly did yet there was a sickening voice in his mind that badly wanted the false accusation to be true but this selfishness was put aside when he knew that this was something you wished the gods for.
He swallows it hard. The truth that was meant to break no matter the circumstance.
He may be someone you needed but Oikawa was and always will come before him.
“Moving in with her? How easy do you think this will be?” Iwaizumi asks, his phone held tightly in his hands while Oikawa bites his lip, thinking of ways to make sure he can convince his best friend to help him.
“I’ve set everything. I just need you to help me out on this one.” Oikawa begs while Iwaizumi lets out a scoff followed by his eyes rolling at the dismay. It’s unbelievable how the setter thinks making you agree to this crazy idea was going to be a breeze- a walk in the park even. Imagining you just willingly accepting this offer with bags packed and little to no fighting- it seems like a different version of you. Iwaizumi knew that you deeply missed Oikawa but it didn’t mean you were always ready to face him. He’s seen instances where you’ve mistaken a man to be Tooru but your initial choice is to hold onto the ace and hid behind him. He feels how tense your grip was, probably in fear that Oikawa was there and that made him realize that you’ve yet to gather the confidence to meet him.
“I’ll be home soon and I know it’s going to be difficult but... please Iwa.”
“Do you think this is what she wants?” Hajime asks, wishing that his answer wasn’t what he was expecting. He knows how Oikawa’s efforts will be nothing if he lets all of this go but then again, this was too absurd to happen without fail.
And Iwaizumi can’t bear to let you go this quick.
“I love her, Hajime. This is what we’ve always wanted to do— be with each other. Now, I know I fucked up and this may not be the best decision but if I let her walk away again then who am I to say that I love her in the first place?”
“The problem is that you walked away first, Oikawa. Do you think I’d like to see her be in the same amount of fucking pain you gave her throughout the year? I’m not letting her move in with you when not even half of your problems are fucking solved,” he pauses trying to catch his breath but then there it was— the selflessness that he didn’t want to appear because you can’t be selfish when you're not even his to begin with.
“But if she wants to go... I can’t stop her, can I?”
“Take a turn here.” Oikawa directs as Hajime follows suit. Upon seeing the familiar street, he relaxes a little. Tooru then steps out just as Iwaizumi turns off the engine.
“I’ll check first.” the boy declares while Iwaizumi sighs, leaning on the seat. Himari wonders if she should follow him, not that it bothered her to stay behind, but seeing Oikawa in a rush with a hazy mind doesn’t mean he’d be able to calm down. Iwaizumi could feel her worry so he speaks.
“You can go but if you get lost, message me.”
Himari stays still for a second. It occurs to her they haven’t shared a single conversation and the nerves of intimidation shows itself. The moment she entered the car, she knew there was something more than just tension. Talking to him like there wasn’t that field of uneasiness was difficult.
Because she knows that he loves you too.
“Thank you but can I ask you something?” she asks while Iwaizumi shifts his body to look at her and pay some mind to what she’s going to say.
“Is she mad at me?”
The boy was more than surprised to hear it from her.
“I have a feeling she knows or if she doesn’t, I don’t want to be looked as the girl who took the person she loves.” She confesses softly while Iwaizumi remained silent letting the words sink in his mind. The blonde smiles at him fondly realizing that her outburst completely left him stunned.
“I like Y/N. Whether you believe me or not, Oikawa talks about her too much and I would love to get the chance to see her without rivalry. I just feel like—with the idea of me and that dumbass being together for a year, it really doesn’t sound comforting to think of.”
“You will meet but I can’t lie and say that you didn’t leave an impression on her.” Iwaizumi says, the past tension disappearing when he realizes that she really wasn’t what the photo made her to be. He wishes he could tell you just how much of a person Himari was other than the girl you’d want to be.
The girl sighs but accepts it knowing it wasn’t alien to her to understand what you could possibly feel.
“Guess I’ll be finding that asshole for a while.” She says and Iwaizumi nods but there was a question that he let pass his mouth.
“How come you like her that much?”
Himari smiles as she stares at the sky before looking back at the boy left in the car.
“She reminds me of my girlfriend.”
With that sentence and the ace’s jaw to the floor of a reaction, she lets out a laugh before opening the door and exiting the vehicle and an obviously flustered Iwaizumi.
_
“Y/N?” Oikawa calls out for the seventh time as he stands still for a second, his legs burning from running in circles. He pants but he decides that there was no other option but to keep going.
Anything that it takes to love you more than he ever could.
“You and me, right?”
“Come back to me.” He whispers, resembling you last year with one of your desperate attempts in his voice messages.
Then the tears formed while his energy was deafening.
“I’m so sorry.” He mutters, hiding his face in his hands as he lets the guilt him harder than it did compared to Argentina. You were here— a location away and he was growing more and more scared at the thought if you out this without a trace of evidence that you were safe though that issue was one of his biggest concerns but what follows it is that the hope that he gathered was dying.
“Are you?”
Just as his eyes landed on your distant figure, his legs were glued to the floor.
Move! Fuck- I need to hold her but why can’t I move?
“Oikawa.” You called out to him, to confirm that your tears weren’t mistaking him for another person. You heard him but perhaps you needed more than just that. This is Oikawa. The person you’ve waited for, cried for, loved for how many years, yet both of your feet didn’t bother to step forward.
Were you waiting for someone else?
“Y/N.” Then his feet gave in, leading them to you as well as a pair of arms whose waited nothing else then to feel this sensation again. He buries his face in your shoulder, tears dampening your shirt as he held you tightly with his sobs resonating in your ear but your arms never reacted to him.
But you broke down as well.
You couldn’t believe it. He was here, embracing you with every ounce of love he gives you but you stood there like your heart didn’t endlessly wail for him but numbness seems to have sided with victory this time.
At the time where you needed to speak, the words that you wished served as an embrace transformed into a weapon.
“Tooru, I need you to let go.” you whispered softly while he shook his head, sobbing harder when he ponders on the fear that holds him down. Was this the last time? The everlasting moment where he could show you his regret while he begs you to continue an ever after with him?
Was he just meant to circle the world without you?
“If I move to a certain place, will you follow me?” He asks as his hands continues to caress your cheek while you smiled at him, before letting your own hand run through his brown locks. He closes his eyes before wrapping his arms around your waist, his slow breaths calming you both noticing how exhausted he was.
“Anywhere you go, as long as I’m with you, I’ll follow.”
“You promise?” he whispers, not letting his eyes open as he lets his imagination take him to countries that the both of you could visit and a tiny smile falls on his face when he realizes that he’d be able to travel around the world with a person who he’ll be seeing at the end of the altar.
“Of course, Tooru.”
When he meant that it’d always be you and him, it was partially true.
But the saying didn’t mean you’d always be together.
So, it’s always you and him- against each other's heart since the world you promised each other has faded.
“Y/N, if I let you go, are you going to return?”
“I held on, didn’t I? What’s there to return to, Oikawa?”
“I’m so sorry.” But what he does next strikes a heavy hit to your heart as he lands on his knees, with his hands covering his face as he cries when he knew that an apology was the least cure that there is to mend an unfixable heart.
“Oikawa, stand up.” he shakes his head as he began to continuously apologize but all you wanted was to let the silence consume him. You hated this. You knew Oikawa was in pain too but seeing him in the same position you were in made your heart sting at how he cried in front of you when you knew he hated that you could see him like this.
“Babe? Hey- Tooru? I’m right here.” You asked him as you rushed to his side while he wipes his eyes immediately before putting on a smile as you hand him his towel, patting it down on his forehead. He looks at you as his eyes gather another batch of tears when he sees how worried you looked.
He hates it when you see him cry.
Though he doesn’t mind being vulnerable, this was a side of him that stayed at rock-bottom and the efforts he made to come back at the top had been attempts that made him stay longer.
After patting his sweat, you looked at him as he was shaking at the mix of emotions of the outcome of the match with Shiratorizawa. He avoids eye contact with you as his tears fell on the gym floor.
“Tooru.” you whispered as you cup his cheeks taking him by surprise as he stares at your loving eyes while you send him a smile, catching the tears that were streaming down. He leans into your touch and maybe his efforts of trying to leave rock-bottom weren’t all wasted.
Especially, when your hand was ready for him to take just as the bottom of the pit began to win him over.
“I love you.” It was only three words that could’ve carried more but to Oikawa, it was all he wanted to hear because you love for him spoke more than just those three. You meant it in every way that he can understand.
Because with a simple confession of love, it was already enough to lead the defeat away from him.
“And I love you more.”
You crouch down as you tried to make him stand up but instead, he remained on the floor making you cry even more when you realized he leaned his weight on his bad knee, making you look away and choosing to hold his arm in order to hoist him up as you wept for him.
“Oikawa stand up!” You yelled but he looked up to see the endless flow of your tears as he shakes his head, disobeying your orders while your heart crumbles when he reaches his hand to your cheek, holding it fragilely as he stares at you with the same amount of pain you held in front of him.
When million words were needed, the silence chose to speak for itself.
Don’t you love me anymore? Oikawa thinks as he continues to watch the love of his life fall under the solitude he caused.
I love you with everything I have, but what can guarantee that it’s enough for me to stay when the pain is twice as the amount?
“Why are you here, Tooru?” You asked him as he uses his finger to wipe away the tear that was bound to fall, as a sad smile tugs on his lips.
“I’m here for you, Y/N. Only you.” Oikawa answers as he averts his eyes to the ground while your hands form into a fist because you already accepted the fact that he belonged to someone else, even if it made you throw away the memories in his car just to face the harsh reality.
Besides, the street lights didn’t lead you to him anymore.
“Stop lying to me. It shouldn’t be me anymore.” He lets his blurry eyes portray the betrayal that pulsated through his body as he repeatedly shakes head, refusing to believe that those words came from you. He didn’t fly here to confuse himself with his priorities. You were the only reason- hearing you say that you were the least of his intentions had him wondering the depths of his mistakes.
“It’s always been you and no one else! I came back for you- to fix this- us, Y/N! I-I'm so sorry!”
“IS THAT ALL YOU’RE GONNA SAY TO ME?”
The volume of your voice startled him when he sees your hand clutching tightly on your shirt as you stood up and the apple of your cheeks colored in frustration.
“Am I ever going to get an explanation on why the person that I loved left me without goodbye? Am I just going to hear you apologize for hours and not a single answer is given to me? Oikawa- I waited- I want to forgive you so fucking badly but I’m expecting more than an apology without you telling me why you did it!” You didn’t mean to raise your voice to such an extent but the answer you waited for a year was yet to be given a response.
Hearing his pleas brought an emotion you weren’t familiar with. You expected that he would apologize but at first you didn’t know why it gave you disappointment instead of satisfaction. Surely, you wanted to hear it- let it replay in your ears for as long as you wished but that wasn’t enough to patch up a heart that’s been through more than just a slice in the middle.
“And why did it have to be the last time that we were happy?” You asked him with your voice purely showing the torment you go through when you remember the last night that scarred your emotions. How was he able to leave after a night of serenity? Were his laughs all a cover up his plan of leaving you as fast as he could?
“Please answer me, Tooru.” You begged but it came as a whisper when you aggressively wiped your eyes that were exhausted and tempted to close.
Oikawa bites his lip but takes a deep breath before letting his words decide the outcome.
“I lost grip on what I wanted to do. After that match- and all of the things that I couldn’t stop thinking about- everything was messy. An escape and a way to find that passion again were my options to get this sick feeling over.”
“But I was never in those options, wasn’t I?” he grips the fabric of his sweats beside him as he avoids your glistening eyes knowing how agonizing it was to hear it from him that you had been pushed to the dark corners of his mind like a forgotten idea.
“Are you sure, honey? This is unlikely of you to be spontaneous in this way.” his mother comments, her hand falling on top of her sons' hand. Oikawa smiles at her softly, sending a nod to his father as well. He knew his family was going to supportive no matter what, he was a star after all but he knew they were worried about him. A country with immense culture that he’s yet to learn about is a whole other experience but he felt as if it was the decision that could hold all the victories he wanted to earn.
“What about Y/N? Why don’t you take her with you? School is finished and it’d be a great step for you two as a couple, Tooru.” He sighs heavily, placing his hands on his lap as he lets the question wonder over this head.
“I’ll figure it out.”
“Y/N-”
“And I guess contacting me wasn’t a good idea either?” You continued, the flare of rage igniting more as all of the excuses you made for yourself for his indecency have been made clear that it was his choice in leaving you in the past.
“How could you! You- fuck Oikawa!” You shouted as you felt your body shrivel with the anger as he tries to hold you but you pushed him away as the nearby stop lights painted the night a shade of red that resembled equal parts of anger and love.
“What was that for?” You asked him with a giggle as he smothers your hand with gentle pecks. During a red light, it became a habit for him to show you affection while you wait for it to turn green. You always drove late together so when the streets weren’t occupied, his voice would echo through the air when he shouts your name with a declaration of how much he loves you, or sometimes he’d steal kisses catching you off guard like he’s doing now.
“Well, it’s obvious that you didn’t complain babe.” He teases as you lean closer, giving him a subtle kiss on his temple making him blush instantly. He smiles at you before taking your hand and landing a peck to your ring finger as your heartbeat picks up an irregular pattern while the light turns green, his brown eyes leaving yours.
“Now, what about that?” You asked him while he fixates his focus on the road ahead but his dream with you causes him to smile like the lovesick fool that he was.
“In case I couldn’t do it in the future.”
“Fuck you for leaving and acting like I wasn’t here! You and your girl-”
“Oikawa?”
When your eyes landed on a familiar blonde, the chances of saying those three words once again began to disappear.
“Y/N?”
And with the sound of her voice, everything became blurry when you remember the way she looked next to him with a smile.
“I’m Himari.” she introduces herself while taking cautious of her words when she sees the drop in your features. She hesitates to take a step forward knowing the mind who misunderstood was sharper than hers.
“And you brought your girlfriend.” you said with another sigh of exhaustion and when Himari hears this sentence she immediately knew what impression she had left from Iwaizumi’s words. She takes a step forward making you lower your head, not wanting to be near the person who was the main focus of Oikawa for a year but there wasn’t an ounce of spite that was directed to her.
“Y/N, we’re not dating.” Oikawa assures you, mimicking Himari’s actions, hoping that he could hold onto your hand and change your mind which he knew it was a little too late when his conversation with his best friend resonates through his ears.
“What do you think? She’s fucking crying again.”
“We are not dating, I promise. I helped him for you to settle in Argentina.”
Argentina?
“Oikawa- what does she mean I’ll be settling?”
The silence on the side opposite to you has never been louder. Oikawa and Himari share a look while you stood there with more than confusion that was mixing in your range of emotions. Your eyes dart between him and the girl while the beats of their heart began to speed up, not because of their own panic, but for you. Himari then awakens from the absurd idea she was brought into. Being in this tense atmosphere, she knew it was the wrong move all along but it seems to strike her more when she sees the way the flow of your tears didn’t alter.
“Tooru, answer me.”
“He didn’t tell you.” Oikawa says making Himari groan and before she could approach you, she sees a figure running your way.
“Y/N!” Iwaizumi shouts before he engulfs you in his arms while there was a wave of relief that overcomes you as you immediately reciprocate his embrace as he caresses your hair and holds you tight. The worry in him dissolves when he ran and saw that you had zero injuries but when he saw your puffed cheeks and sore eyes, he wanted nothing more than to hold you when he realized the two were stood in front of you.
“Thank fuck you’re okay, please never leave me like that again.” He whispers while you nod and within this moment, you found a way to breathe properly as Hajime continues to keep you near him but when his eyes landed on Oikawa’s defeated orbs, he pulls away gently.
Himari saw how one of them had their heart sewn back together while the other one shattered.
“You didn’t tell her?” Oikawa asks while your head turns to Iwaizumi who had his eyebrows raised but he looked at your confused expression and realizes he was pertaining to the issue of moving together. As you cautiously watch his features, you take a step away from him, standing in the middle of the two boys.
“Iwa, you knew?”
Fuck. The situation he was in felt like a twist of fate. When the idea was brought to him, he wasn’t planning to go on about it but this was Oikawa. The boy he grew up with, shared his dreams and weaknesses, and the one who reminded him that a burden should never be carried alone.
“I’m not going to lose to you, Oikawa.”
“That’s good to hear, Iwa-chan.”
But then you came and suddenly the competition grew into something more, a level that could end up having gold or having nothing when it came down to the winner.
“So, you two just accepted the fact that I’m willing to forget that he left and live with him that easily?” The two players remain silent even Himari chose to avoid barging in on a matter that only included the three of you but it did pain her to watch this unfold. She wonders how you carry this amount of pain and betrayal. It’s evident that the two have more than just a special place in your life.
It’s as if your heart wasn’t just yours anymore.
“Y/N, I wasn’t going to let you go just like that.” Hajime says but then he held back a few words that he knew would change everything for the three of you but it seems as if there already was a cut in the unity.
“Tooru, what did you do?” After hearing his answers, nothing became clear. There were missing details and words that you wished you could hear from him. With the surprise of moving to Argentina- it felt as if you were stuck in you and Oikawa’s past dream of travelling the world. This was one of the promises that could’ve stayed if not for the terrible timing. To witness the beauty of the different countries with Oikawa could’ve been a moment in your life where there was nothing but pure bliss and admiration for each other- which then turned into isolation.
“Back in Brazil, I had Himari help me with everything we needed to move in together. I thought that this would’ve been the chance for us to be together again- to have you with me and make up for all my mistakes. I know you’ve had enough with my promises so I’m not making more. I’m doing whatever it takes because I love you so much, Y/N.”
“Where did that love go, Oikawa?”
Perhaps that love was replaced by fear, especially when he can see his own reflection on Iwaizumi.
“Y/N,” the setter approaches you with care as he holds your hand, almost letting his doubts run him over when the idea of you letting go strikes his mind. He then looks at you which made you hold your breath when his eyes brought you to a memory you chose to forget.
“I love you, you know?”
“Why are you speechless?” Tooru asks while he stops walking to gaze at your flustered reaction. He then smiles before standing in front of you and places his hand on the crown of your head.
“Does that mean that I don’t show much I love you?” You shook your head while his previous words rang in your ears like your favorite song and looking at him now, your heart is overjoyed with your own love for the boy.
Taking him by surprise, you wrapped your arms around his neck attacking him in a tight embrace with an irreplaceable smile while he laughs and takes your waist by the arm muttering the same three words that he said earlier. Oikawa twirls you around while you returned the feeling.
“I love you more, Tooru!” He puts you down before cupping your cheeks with his hands as he savors the look in your eyes that only held him in it. He lowers his head as you didn’t hesitate to close the space between you and him.
But what is the same man that was in front of you?
“Iwaizumi, let’s give them some space.” Himari suggests, softly tugging on Iwaizumi’s sleeve. With hesitation, he still agreed but his eyes lingered on you who was held by Oikawa and with the sight of it had him let your words resonate in his ears as his heart silently bawls.
“Don’t fall in love with my broken pieces, Hajime. You deserve someone who is- complete.”
I’m too late, Y/N.
Himari who held onto his arm, stopped walking when she sees the longing stare that Iwaizumi’s eyes held for you. She could sense that every part of his body desired to be close to yours and catch you over and over again just to be with you. She smiles fondly when she realizes that she must’ve looked like this in the past- sick in love without a trace of fear to do anything for the person you adored but what did it feel to fight for your heart against his own best friend?
“But if she wants to go... I can’t stop her, can I?”
I want to try even if it isn’t me.
“Hate me, punch me for leaving, go on. Call me stupid and more but not being yours is the worst thing there is to say.” Tooru begins, long breaths within pauses to ensure his honesty is apparent in every word he speaks because he needed to make ends meet knowing this was the only solution to find his way back to you.
And with an open heart, you listened.
No matter how many times he’s scarred you, you believed that he was still the same Tooru that cured the pain.
So when he held your cheek in both his hands, you saw nothing more than the boy you would love all over again.
“I am more than sorry for everything that I’ve done but I know that those aren’t the words you waited to hear. It’s my fault and to think that deciding without you knowing or even contacting you after I left are just actions that I regret everyday. I’ll accept if you don’t forgive me— I understand and it’s only right for me to deserve it but it doesn’t mean I won’t try for us to be together again.” He rests his forehead on yours as you silently let the tears land on his hands as he whimpers, closing his eyes as he finds it harder and harder to maintain his pace of breathing while you didn’t dare to open your eyes and look at the weeping boy.
“I c-can’t change what I did but I want you to know that within that year—being without you was more than I can take. So, if you let me hold you just for a while, then maybe I-“ He couldn’t even bare to finish his own sentence when his sobs interfered with him as you could feel the way his hands felt weaker against your skin but he held it with all his emotions.
But when your arms began to wrap around his neck with your chin to his shoulder, his heartbeat took a leap but he instantly wraps his own around your waist as he sobs into your shoulder while another person watched in sorrow.
“I can’t forget what you did but holding you is more than I wished for, Tooru.” He smiles slightly as he closes his eyes and embraces your warmth that he craved for as your thoughts ran with the seconds that passed. He strokes your hair with his hands as your heart nearly aches at how gentle he was as if every action would lead to another permanent stain on you but you held onto him more when you felt the familiar ache pulse through your body. The nostalgia it gave you holding him like this leads you to feel the past embraces he’d give after every game, after every melt down, and after every argument. He may not be able to express his repenting with mere sentences but what you knew is that with every action he does is covered in the stories he failed to tell. After all, he’s your Tooru Oikawa. The boy who gave you every ounce of love and joy even if brought you to your knees, even if the promises turned to dust. So, letting your words course through him, he subtly pulls away and looks at you with a smile as you took a few steps back.
And with a few more heavy steps of decision, you grabbed his hand, interlacing it with yours as your hesitation lies under your skin.
But your heart was certain as it is.
—
The sun rose as you stretched, the immediacy of silence creeping around your room as you watched the clouds showcase the beaming colors of its rays. Smiling with bliss, you step out of your bed and began to run your usual motives. With your clothes all pampered and ready, you wore them with pride as you looked at yourself in the mirror with a photo to the side as another flutter of a heartbeat came your way.
Dialing his number, his voice came in a second later as the glee in your heart overflows at the sound of him.
“Congratulations, Tooru! God, you were amazing and words cannot express how proud I am of you!” You cheered as the boy cries over the phone with the medal hanging on his neck with his tears decorating his cheeks as you too shed a few tears seeing him succeed over the television. Seeing him shine in the lights, displaying his winning smile as he was embraced by his fellow teammates was a view that had you let out a few shouts of exhilaration knowing this has been his dream that you supported throughout everything. He truly deserved it.
“I wish you were here but fuck thank you so much.” He says with a never-ending smile as you looked at the photo on your mirror making your heart chase the happiness that it gave you to see him like this. Glancing on a familiar vehicle park outside the building, you let out a laugh before speaking once again.
“Let’s make up for lost time.” You suggested, making the length of his smile grow as he too looks at a photo present in front of him. With two hearts lured into serenity, there wasn’t a moment more perfect than this.
“I’d like that.” Oikawa replies as you continued to put on your shoes.
“Are you good to go?” he asks as you answered a short yes before grabbing your things, and leaving the apartment as you pressed the phone to your ear to listen further.
“I’ll see you real soon.” Tooru says with a certain tease in his tone as you let out a chuckle before pressing the button to end the call.
As you walked to the car, you could feel the excitement rushing to you as he opens the door for you as you bid him a smile as he steps into the drivers seat and the love-struck boy wonders if the passenger seat has looked this bright. Seeing you in the afterglow as the sun entered the vehicle, covering you in the rays of it made his heart grew the prettiest flowers.
“What’s wrong?” you asked as he shook his head before leaning closer to land a peck to your cheek, pushing aside a strand of hair just to tuck behind your ear as your cheeks grew into the hue of love as his own orbs displayed a deeper amor than before.
“I love you that’s all.” He confesses making you smile as you intertwine your hands in his as he presses a firm kiss on it and with his free hand he turns on the engine. Turning his head so his eyes met your loving ones, he speaks.
“Ready for our drive?”
“As ready as I can be, Hajime.”
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Love and Redemption Review
Overall, I have to say that the story was really good, maybe even better than the popular xianxia romances that came before it like Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms, Love and Destiny, and Ashes of Love. The romance may be comparable to AOL, but as a whole, the plot in L&R was more interesting and cohesive.
****SPOILERS AHEAD FOR LOVE AND REDEMPTION AND OTHER XIANXIA DRAMAS****
Plot
What sets Love and Redemption apart from the other 3 xianxia romances is that Love and Redemption also feels like a quest/adventure story, while also delivering a gut-wrenching, star-crossed romance plot. What’s interesting about L&R is that the main focus is on the mortal realm and the FL and ML’s current mortal incarnation, as opposed to the heavenly realm and their immortal identities.
The actions of the mortals have consequences across the 3 realms, as opposed to other xianxia romances that only use the mortal realm as a temporary stage for the leads to fall in love. The other 3 xianxias that I mentioned all opened up in the heavenly/celestial realm first, while the mortal realm was just a brief trial that the leads have to endure before returning to the immortal realm. The moral realm in L&R therefore feels livelier and more eventful, and the mortals have more agency and are not easily influenced by celestial beings. Whenever a celestial being does come down to the mortal realm, their powers are limited and are they are bound by the rules and restrictions of the mortal realm (which means that celestial beings can’t use their powers to mess with the emotions and decisions of mortals).
The drama opens up with a tournament being held at the FL’s sect and members from all the other sects are arriving for the tournament. When the FL and ML meet, they are on equal footing (well, equal in terms of status as disciples, but not so much in terms of magical prowess). It’s like when you were in high school and you meet the visiting basketball team from a rival school, and then end up becoming friends with them.
Love and Redemption also takes the audience through a mystery. What is the true immortal identity of the FL? What’s her relationship to the Star of Mosha? Is she the saviour or the doomsday harbinger? Does the ML have an immortal identity too? Why do they have the same birthday? The drama keeps us on our toes because we learn about the truth and the history of the characters as they’re discovering it, as opposed to the other xianxia dramas where there is very little mystery and few plot twists.
Because of this mystery, the drama is tight and well-paced, since a new piece of the puzzle is always being revealed. Just when you thought that the mystery is solved, there’s a twist, and you realized that the twist was set up from the very beginning of the story, but you just missed it.
The story also doesn’t stray from the main leads. Yes, there are subplots (as all dramas do), but the subplots here are brief, and they usually relate back to the main leads. Unlike in AOL where the later half of the drama derails and focuses on the two other supporting couples, while the main leads only get about 10 minutes of screen time.
The Male Lead - Yu Si Feng
Before starting the drama, I read a lot of comments about how much whump and emotional torture the ML goes through and how much he sacrifices for the FL. I thought this was an exaggeration. I mean, Xufeng in AOL went through a lot of Jin Mi too, (and you could make the same argument for Ye Hua in TMOPB, or Bai Zi Hua in Journey of Flower), so I was a little hesitant about the premise since it’s such an old trope, and I was doubtful that it could top the sacrifice that other MLs have done in other dramas.
But reader, boy was I wrong. Yu Si feng is the definition of limitless, unconditional love. I lost count of how many times he almost died for the FL (not including the 9 times she killed him in their previous 9 lives). He’s spitting up blood and stabbed in nearly every episode. Episodes 37-47 were the hardest to watch because of the escalating chronic angst and misunderstandings between him and Xuan ji that caused irreversible damage to their relationship. Even when she tries to kill him and tells him she regrets having ever known him, he still drags himself back to rescue her. To quote Si feng himself, it’s not a question of whether or not it’s worth it, but it’s a question of whether you are willing to do it. And Si feng is as eager and willing as ever to sacrifice everything for Xuan ji.
I mean, even Xufeng in AOL and Ye Hua in TMOPB snapped at the FL’s cruelty and aloofness at one point, but Si feng seems incapable of ever being angry with Xuan ji. Even when Si feng purposely tries to avoid her, it’s out of protection for her, not out of anger for everything she’s done. Like??? Si feng is impossibly perfect, even by the impossible standards of xianxia.
Cheng Yi plays Si feng to a T. He conveys a different type of pain in every crying scene, and so Si feng basically experiences like 59 different types of crushing pain, and you feel it in your bones every time you watch it. The man’s eyes speak volumes.
While it would be easy to say that Cheng Yi carries the drama with his portrayal of Si Feng, the actions of the ML would be meaningless if there were no romantic interest that he was doing this all for.
The Female Lead - Chu Xuan Ji
Some people may feel that Xuan ji isn’t worth Si feng’s devotion. But, I would argue that the first 37 episodes shows us that she is definitely worth it.
Xuan Ji is similar to Jin Mi from AOL in that she is incapable of feeling or understanding love. Because Xuan Ji was born without her 6 senses (and also without a real heart, unbeknownst to the other characters), she’s naive and juvenile. But despite not having feelings, she’s still able to care completely about others. She cares about her sister, her father, her sect brothers, and Si Feng. She’s fiercely protective of them as they are of her. To the best of her limited abilities, she is devoted to people as much as she can be.
Because of her sensory deprivation, Xuan Ji is really curious about the world. She wants to be like everyone else, to feel like everyone else, in hopes of being able to properly reciprocate people’s love for her. She envies people who are able to cry because she thinks that’s an unhindered way of showing love. She regrets not being able to cry when her mother died. Xuan Ji is therefore a self-aware character, unlike Jin Mi, because she knows her shortcomings. She wants to be able to feel, understand, and share pain.
As such, she’s quite an active character because she has this goal of reviving her senses, which has ripple effects for the other characters in the story since they become a part of her journey, whether by choice or by force.
Why Si Feng fell for Xuan Ji
Xuan Ji and Si Feng are very opposite characters, and not just because of the obvious difference in their personalities. Si Feng is a boy who feels too much (we later see that he gets his persistent sentimentality from his father), but was taught his whole life to suppress his emotions (I mean, the mask both literally and figuratively prevents him from emoting). Si Feng wants to express his feelings, but cannot.
On the other hand, Xuan Ji is allowed to be as expressive as she wants, but she is empty on the inside. Xuan Ji represents everything Si Feng wants to be and is expected to be: free and emotionless.
In this mortal incarnation, SF has responsibilities to everyone, from his spirit beast to his sect. Xuan Ji is the only one who doesn't ask or expect anything of him and yet, for someone who can't feel, she's always thinking of him. she stands up for him, she brings him snacks to comfort him when he’s being punished, she helps steal back his mother's hairpin. These are very simple gestures, but they mean the world to him (no one else has done these things for him before, and he doesn’t understand why she would unconditionally do these things for him), and that's why he's so quick to risk everything for her. Thus ironically, Si Feng actually learned about unconditional love from Xuan Ji.
He’s never known love, warmth, or friendship in his lonely years growing up in the Lize Palace. And so, when you’re just a 16 year old awkward, hormonal, and introverted teenage boy, it’s easy to fall for a selfless girl who invades your personal space and has no sense of propriety.
Why Xuan Ji fell for Si Feng
We see that her love is gradual. She falls in love with him without even realizing she’s fallen in love. She cares for him as a friend at first. After all, like she said, Si Feng is the first friend she’s made from outside her sect. But soon, her caring for him surpasses that of what she feels for her sect brothers. Si Feng teaches her about the world, from what different food tastes like, to naming colours. Si Feng doesn’t infantilize her like her sect brothers do. Her sect brothers are either dismissive or protective, like Ming yan, but she is able to find a proper confidant in Si Feng who is willing to be patient with her and listen to her.
Their 4-year separation when they each undergo training and achieve a boost in their abilities, only made Xuan Ji’s heart grow fonder. She misses Si Feng, and is frustrated to see that things are different between them when they meet again. She doesn’t understand why he’s so cold and distant, and all she wants to do is close the distance between them.
It’s a meme that Xuan Ji is the one who wears the pants in the relationship. She’s assertive and bold, and I think part of the reason why she fell for Si Feng is because he gives her that space to be best and biggest version of herself, whether in the heavenly realm or in the mortal realm. She’s also fascinated by him. A person outside of her sect who has an endearing personality unlike anyone else she’s seen. He piques her curiosity, and so she’s drawn to him. He’s as much as her romantic and sexual awakening as she is his.
It’s apt that their ship name is the combination of their last names “Chu Yu”, which sounds similar to the words 初遇, which means “first encounter”. Not only is this drama about capturing the feelings of first love, but Si Feng and Xuan Ji have also had 10 different first encounters because of their 10 reincarnation tribulations.
The Romance
It’s actually quite fun and endearing to watch because both Xuan Ji and Si Feng are playing hard to get, which frustrates the hell out of both of them. Xuan Ji is trying to win back Si Feng and convince him to stay, while Si Feng himself is trying to win Xuan Ji’s heart, and she doesn’t even realize it. They’re both trying to woo each other, but they’re both being resistant, intentionally and unintentionally.
I have to admit, though, that the first few episodes were slow.
There aren’t major sparks during the first meeting between the leads. She just falls out of the sky into his arms, and he’s flustered by her sudden appearance and clinginess. The love story didn’t feel “epic” during the the first 4 episodes because it didn’t feel like there were any stakes. These were just 2 young disciples from different sects who had a stereotypical meet-cute. It was like watching a high school coming-of-age romcom.
Things start to get serious when Si feng is forced to wear the lover’s curse mask, meaning that he cannot love, or else every time he’s hurt by the one he loves, that mask will release a feather to his heart and he’ll feel unbearable pain. When all the feathers are released, he’ll die. This means that he has to stay away from Xuan Ji, but obviously, the drama can’t let that happen, so he’s constantly thrown into situations with her, he can’t stay away from her, and he ends up falling for her harder and harder against his will.
Xuan Ji trusts Si Feng completely and unconditionally (until episodes 37-47 that is). She is willing to go against her father and sect in order to protect him. She’s willing to sacrifice herself to save him. She’s willing to go rogue with her powers for him. When no one else trusts him, she does.
This makes Xuan Ji a very cathartic character to watch because she isn’t frustrating at all. She isn’t easily influenced and has her own views. She doesn’t share the same prejudiced views as the elder sect leaders. She is willing to disobey if it’s the right thing to do. She immediately clears up misunderstandings, like the one between her and Ming yan. We see her gradually become more mature through her increasing protectiveness over Si Feng.
I think because we see this rational and loyal side of Xuan Ji, we’re able to have a higher tolerance for her ignorance and mistakes later in the drama (but only barely).
The Reincarnations - What Does it Mean to Love a Soul?
Si Feng fell for Xuan Ji 10 times in the mortal world, not including the very first time he falls for her when they were immortals in the heavenly realm.
I explained why I think Si Feng fell for Xuan Ji is this 10th reincarnation, but why did he fall for her in the past 9 lives? In the flashbacks, we see that in each life, Xuan Ji is cruel and heartless, and she still had the same unforgiving and ruthless demeanor as when she was the god of war. Is it because Si Feng’s soul is always going to be automatically attracted to Xuan Ji’s soul?
Because we only see brief glimpses of the past 9 lives (more specifically, we only see the ending of these lives), we don’t really know how they met or how Si Feng came to love her in each life. But, I would assume that there was something about Xuan Ji in each of her reincarnations that attracted her to Si Feng and completed him. Also, we know that Xuan Ji is capable of tenderness. As the god of war, she disliked fighting. As Mosha, she cared about Bailing. So, while Xuan Ji’s nature might be violent and cruel, I think that with each life, she learns about love and sincerity. If we assume that the flashbacks of the 9 lives are in order, then it would seem like Xuan Ji becomes more and more affected by Si Feng’s death with each successive lifetime. In the first life, she is completely indifferent to his beheading. but we see that she begins to become affected in the later lives, but tries to shove those emotions aside because they’re foreign and unfamiliar to her.
We get even less context for how Si Feng might have fallen for the god of war in the heavenly realm. We only know that Si Feng was the Jade Emperor’s son, and only gained a celestial anamorphic form after 10, 000 years. His true form is the Golden-feathered bird. He’s always appearing by the god of war’s side to listen to her vent, but the god of war only sees him as a stray bird who comes by to visit occasionally. Why did he fall for her? Did he empathize with her loneliness? Maybe she was his only friend, like he was her only friend, but she didn’t even realize it.
We also see that Si feng loves Xuan ji no matter who she is or what form she takes. Her gender doesn’t matter to him, and gender was never even an issue in the drama. The drama doesn’t give an explanation for why Bailing created a female body for the god of war (besides that he wanted to disguise Mosha’s appearance), but it also doesn’t matter. It’s a non-issue, and I love it. We just need to accept it, because the “why” isn’t important.
Xuan Ji has 3 different identities: The Star of Mosha (Luo Hou Ji Do), the god of war, and Xuan Ji the mortal. The god of war and Xuan Ji have the same “soul”, and that soul came from the glass of Mosha’s imprisonment lamp, and also from Mosha’s altered corporeal body. So, she is a part of Mosha, but has also become her own entity.
To Si Feng, all 3 identities are Xuan Ji. The memories, emotions, and experiences of all the identities are what made Xuan Ji Xuan Ji, and so he loves all of them.
But what made Xuan Ji finally crack so that she’s now able to love Si Feng in this 10th reincarnation? I think it has to do with her upbringing. We see in her previous 9 lives that she had a troubled upbringing filled with scheming and violence. So she was consumed by the darkest side of humanity and Si Feng couldn’t pull her out. But in this life, she grew up with an abundance of love, which made her want to learn how to love, which allowed her to open up to Si Feng. In this way, the drama shows that Si Feng alone isn’t enough to redeem her, but it took the love of her friends and family to help her grow a heart.
The Angst
Okay. So. Si Feng has probably suffered more than any male lead in xianxia history. I think someone said that he has a martyr complex. But, I’d like to break down the type of angst that are present in dramas.
There is angst that is harmless, and there is angst that is damaging to the relationship.
Harmless angst is usually angst by external forces. Like parents who don’t allow their kids to be together. Like in AOL when Xufeng mistakenly thinks that Jin Mi might be his sister so he can’t be with her. In L&R, this kind of external angst happens when Si Feng mistakenly thinks that Xuan Ji likes her 6th sect brother Ming yan. Xuan Ji isn’t purposely hurting Si Feng, but it’s an unintentional misunderstanding.
Damaging angst is when the couple turns against each other and become enemies. This happened when Jin Mi kills Xufeng and says she never loved him (which technically is true since her heart was re-sealed so she didn’t even understand what love was when she said it). In L&R, this happens Xuan Ji sides with her sect and attacks Si Feng when he reveals his demon form. This happens again when they confront each other outside the Lize Palace and she announces that she’s done with him and breaks ties with him. This happens again when she stabs him, says she regrets having ever known and loved him, and proceeds to try to stab him again. In Love and Redemption, Xuan Ji keeps saying hurtful things to him. There’s not just one moment of betrayal, but a constant onslaught of betrayals over 10 episodes that make the relationship feel like it’s entered a point of no return.
The masochistic side of me likes love/hate relationships and damaging angst. I grew up with it. TVB dramas have a lot of it. My favourite is the angst in Raymond Lam and Charmain Sheh dramas like Drive of Life and Lethal Weapons of Love and Passion. But despite over 20 years of watching dramas, I was still not prepared for the pain and suffering in Love and Redemption.
The good news is that they make up fairly quickly, though some may argue too quickly and easily.
What I Enjoyed
Other xianxia romances usually only have 1 mortal reincarnation. This has 10 reincarnations (even if only shown briefly), and I love that. The leads have already had such a rich history together, but they don’t remember, and so the romance is about them falling in love all over again in this life, while also slowly remembering the love they had in their previous lifetimes.
The world-building was also compelling, and the supporting characters were great. They were the voice of reason and talked sense into the main leads to help move the plot forward. I also liked how the ML and FL each had their own personal relationship with the supporting characters separate from each other. For instance, Ming yan has a childhood friendship with Xuan Ji, but he also develops his own friendship with Si Feng. Wu Ziqi was once Mosha’s helper, and also knew the god of war, but also forms his own friendship with Si Feng. Zi Hu is also friends with both Xuan Ji and Si Feng. Having separate friendships with the leads means that the supporting characters are unbiased. They’re not likely to help the ML more than the FL or vice versa, but they’re able to see both sides of things. They help the leads, but they’re also critical of them, and is therefore able to help the leads make rational decisions. It reminds me of the friendship dynamics in Avatar where the characters have unique relationships with each other. Like Toph has her own relationship dynamic with Sokka and Katara, which is different from Aang’s relationship dynamic with them.
It goes without saying that Si Feng is the best part of the drama. He plays an emotionally repressed character, so it always feels like the heavens opened up when he smiles, and Xuan Ji seems to be the only one who can make him smile. SF's best moments are when he shows moments of vulnerability, like when he begs Xuan Ji not to cut ties with him, or when he's so happy to the point of disbelief and he's afraid of it being true that he begins to slightly quiver, like when he kept asking XJ if she was really the one who took off his mask. You can see him break down and not being able to contain his emotions and how much he’s desperately yearning for his love to be reciprocated.
I like that the FL has the same personality throughout the drama. I'm always annoyed when the FL's personality takes a 360-degree turn when she has a sudden "awakening" when her past life memories come flooding back and she instantly matures and becomes jaded. In Love and Redemption, Xuan Ji stays her bubbly self, even when she’s burdened with responsibilities. Hell, even when she becomes a mother, she’s still aloof and playful. In episode 52 or so when she burns her leg and refuses to leave Si Feng’s house, she acts like a helpless little girl again. Si Feng tells her that such a small injury wouldn’t even faze someone as powerful as she is, but she reminds him that he once told her that even if she didn’t feel pain, her body would know the pain, and so she should always tell him when she’s hurt. I just like this throwback to the earlier episodes to show that while Xuan Ji has grown and matured, she’s still the same person who wants to be loved and pampered.
Weaknesses of the Drama
Xuan Ji is a really multi-faceted and complex character (because of her villainous tendencies), but Crystal Yuan doesn’t completely deliver in all of her performances of the character. Crystal Yuan is great when she’s acting cute (though it reminds me a lot of Zhao Liying’s acting in Journey of Flower, even the voice actress is the same actress), but I feel like Crystal Yuan’s crying scenes are a little lacking. Also, Xuan Ji is a character who is often in moral and emotional conflict because she starts to feel emotions that she doesn’t understand since she’s never felt them before, but sometimes Crystal isn’t very convincing when trying to convey this internal conflict. For instance, in the scene when she thought Si Feng was getting married to Ah Lan, I thought that her devastation at seeing that should have been a bit more palpable. I mean, you finally found the love of your life after searching him for over a year and now he’s in front of you, about to get married to another woman. There should be more pain, anger, regret, disbelief, a battle of emotions unfolding on the face. There should have been more deflation, more staggering. I think back to when Tang Yan was watching Luo Jin get married to someone else in Princess Weiyoung, or when Jin Mi was watching Xufeng propose to Sui He in AOL, and the desperation and shock was subtle, but still so strong. You could feel the drop in your own stomach when sympathizing with the female character.
I also obviously disliked how Xuan Ji didn’t believe Si Feng. But I would have understood why she didn’t believe him (even when he logically explained his innocence) since there are so many people pressuring her judgment, but what I can’t get over is how she had it in herself to physically hurt him. And she already hurt him before too, so she knows how much it pains her to hurt him. She already regretted the act before. But because she mistakenly thinks that he killed Hao Chen, she decides that she needs to kill him? Does Hao Chen mean that much to you that you’d be willing to sacrifice Si Feng in order to avenge him? That was my breaking point for her character.
I didn’t like how Hao Chen’s arc was resolved. For 1000 years, he thought he was right and never had any regrets. He was obsessed with controlling his friend Mosha to the point of killing him and sealing his soul away. He then created another being, became possessive over that being to the point of falling in love with it (without admitting it), and then follows his creation down to the mortal world, and wrecks havoc on the mortals, especially Si Feng. And when Hao Chen learns that he can no longer control or redeem Xuan Ji, he decides that he needs to kill her in order to prevent Mosha from coming back. But then suddenly, because of a few words and visions from the Jade Emperor, he immediately has a change of heart and sees the error of his ways. It’s just so anti-climactic. Yuan Long’s ending was also underwhelming. I just wanted the good guys and bad guys to fight it out without divine intervention.
While I sympathize with Si Feng and agree that it's like watching a puppy get kicked over and over again, he honestly gets jealous way too easily and is too insecure. He also keeps everything to himself and sucks at communicating. We blame Xuan Ji for being too quick at jumping to conclusions, but Si Feng also jumps to conclusions too and causes unnecessary pain for himself.
Overall Impression
Overall, despite the frustrations, I really liked the consistency of the drama. It flows as one complete narrative and all the subplots are well intertwined with the main plot. With other reincarnation xianxia dramas, you could divide the story into distinct arcs, but it’s harder to do with this one since you have arcs that overlap and transcend other arcs. There’s the mask arc, the god of war arc, the reincarnation arc, the demon identity arc, the Mosha arc, etc. Before one arc is completed, another arc is introduced.
If you’re looking for a be-all-end-all, til the end of time and end of the world romance, this is it. While it has many similar tropes to other xianxias like AOL, I think this executes the tropes better. Although if you’ve already watched AOL or other xianxias, you might be more immune to the angst (even though this drama is angstier). But if you watch this drama first, I think it sets the bar pretty high for other xianxia dramas.
The chemistry and sexually tension is also through the roof (and the BTS will have you raising your eyebrows - are costars normally that flirty and touchy feely on set?)
So yes, this drama does live up to the hype. More meta posts to come because I’m still going through withdrawal.
(Just checked the word count on this review, and it’s over 4700 words. I’m clearly an obsessed mess).
Other meta posts:
Recurring details and motifs in Love and Redemption
Similarities to other stories in movies and literature
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I'm a little hesitant to weigh in on the discourse going around, since I can't speak to the Chinese LGBTQ+ experience, but what I can speak to is one of the reasons why a queer person might find the nature of the sex scenes in MDZS, and in particular the extras, interesting and relatable to their experience as a queer person.
First off I want to stress that YOU DO NOT NEED TO READ THE MDZS EXTRAS. In fact, if you think they might be triggering or upsetting to you, or just not your cup of tea, then just don't read them. You don't need to read them to enjoy everything else MDZS has to offer. Indeed, if any of the following would wig you out—slightly dub-con kissing, misunderstandings around a sexual encounter due to each party thinking the other didn't want it in the same way they did, an inexperienced couple figuring out what they like and finding out that includes mild consent-play—then maybe you might want to skip the scenes in the main novel too. It's okay to have preferences and for those preferences to not include that. If you don't want to read those sections, then I'm not gonna judge you, don't read them. There is plenty else to enjoy. Look after yourself first!
Okay, with that out the way, I'd like to talk to you a little bit about shame and sexual fantasy.
While not written to this particular audience at all, Lan Wangji is a painfully relatable character for a certain type of gifted queer kid growing up in conservative Evangelical Christian spaces. The combination of having a strict, rule-based moral code one is expected to follow, and being held up as a well-behaved, good example to others from a young age, both in terms of pseudo-academic achievement and in terms of following of said moral code, and then finding yourself and your worldview becoming increasingly incompatible with the code you are trying to live by, is one that really fucks you up. Lan Wangji is a character laser-targeted at my own set up of hang-ups and neuroses, oh boy. I love him so much and want him to be happy.
And to be fair, that's not to say the Gusu Lan sect rules are bad per se, and characters such as Lan Xichen show that it is possible to have a different relationship with them such that they inform your behaviour but still allow for flexibility and compromise. But Lan Wangji definitely strikes me as someone who took rule-following deep into his own sense of identity, and that gets very messy for him when he starts questioning how to handle moral quandaries that the rules can't easily address by themselves, or finds himself trying to follow them in a way that conflicts with how the rest of his sect are doing so.
So when this kind of strict moral purity forms a big part of your identity, and then you suddenly get attracted to someone 'inappropriate' (or indeed, anyone at all as a horny teenager who’s supposed to behave themselves), your new and growing sense of desire runs smack bang into your existential need to be someone who is Good(TM), who follows the rules, who wouldn't in their right mind to anything that contradicts them. You can't just dream soft dreams about sneaking away to kiss your crush and you both enjoying it, because even that is shameful, it's wrong, it flies in the face of everything you're supposed to be and you'd never do that. And so one way for your mind to get around this is for your fantasies to take a darker turn, to imagine that you were pushed beyond all reasonable human limits, that you lost all control, that you were drugged or manipulated, that the other person took advantage of you or somehow provoked you into assaulting them, and that way you can sort of excuse yourself, you can imagine yourself in that situation because at least then it wasn't really your fault, you can kind of keep your internal sense of identity consistent. But now you've imagined you're in that situation and you have that 'excuse', you have a kind of free rein to act out the things you want to do and it doesn't really 'count'. And all the while you're entirely aware that this is a fucked up fantasy, that it would be unforgivable if you did such a thing or such a thing was done to you in real life, and now you're worried that even imagining such a thing is a failure of your moral character, and it builds into a destructive cycle of shame and self-loathing, and it's just a real mess all round.
Now, I think this is something that Lan Wangji worked through and came out the other side of, and he was no longer ashamed of his desire for Wei Wuxian by the time he came back in the body of Mo Xuanyu (and probably even by the time of the first siege of the Burial Mounds, though it was far too late at that point). But for a sixteen-year-old Lan Wangji to have these violent fantasies about being provoked into raping Wei Wuxian because that was the only way he could imagine himself in a situation in which he could express that desire? And then later in life finding out that consent-play holds some appeal? Yeah, I can see that, I can relate to it.
And so in the incense burner chapter? When it becomes clear they're visiting one of Lan Wangji's teenage fantasies, especially right after the adorably domestic scene that is Wei Wuxian's dream, he is absolutely embarrassed by it, he's mortified—it's obvious he still considers it to be shameful and would honestly rather Wei Wuxian didn't see this side of himself so clearly, although he loves and trusts Wei Wuxian enough not to hide it from him when he says wants to stay. And then, when Wei Wuxian sees where it's going, and finds it hilarious and honestly kinda hot, knowing that it is just a fantasy, and one that meshes well with his own consensual-non-consent kinks to boot, you know what? It's a relief! It's an honest-to-goodness relief and entirely delightful to me that he turns around and basically says, hey, it's okay, this doesn't make you a bad person, you don't have to be ashamed of this, I love you, I'm enjoying this too, I want to see where this goes, let's have sex!
Because none of this does make Lan Wangji a bad person—none of these fantasies were acted upon except for one intensely-regretted kiss (and then only really regretted on his own part), and then later in the context of entirely consensual, mutually enjoyable sex as adults between him and Wei Wuxian. And being able to revisit those fantasies and take away the shame he's associated with them all this time is probably pretty healing for him!
Like I said at the start, you don't have to read these chapters. They were not written for you personally, and you are not the target audience for them. If you're going to be at all distressed by the content then I actively encourage you not to read them, it would be a form of emotional self-harm to do so. It's not like you're missing out on anything important (or even very well-written, if I'm being honest, particularly once it's gone through the mangle of a translation that I don't personally think handles the nuances of the smut scenes very well, from what I can gather from various pieces of discussion about it). It's totally fine if you find these kinks unpleasant and don't want to touch them with a barge pole! But that doesn't make having or writing or enjoying these kinks or fantasies somehow morally wrong—it's not shameful, it's not homophobic, and please, please stop accusing the author or fans of being so just because you don't personally like it. Because you’re just reinforcing the shame-based, purity-based thinking that screws so many of us up in the first place.
(Aside: I’m not saying this is necessarily the correct way to interpret Lan Wangji’s character and motivations with respect to these scenes, since I too am a Westerner coming at all this material through the veil of translation and with very little understanding of its surrounding literary context—I’m more describing how, from my own experience as a young repressed religious queer, I found myself vibing a lot with this character and his relationship with sexual desire.)
#lan wangji#mo dao zu shi#mdzs#mdzs discourse#cw rape mention#in the context of discussing rape fantasies#and why one might have them#and in the context of a chapter in which a rape fantasy is observed but no one is actually raped#ugh i already feel like i'm oversharing please don't make me regret posting this#this is just like the don't consume horror if you don't like it discourse goin on over in the tma fandom all over again#mdzs meta
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Through the Years - Fred Weasley
Word Count: 1458
Posted: 8/29/2021
A/N- I am so sorry this has taken me a month time just got away from me
Fourth Year
This feeling lasted until our fourth year, it was even after the train and into the halfway point of our year. People were being petrified by something and Haley and mine's friendship was doing fine and the twins were finally starting to come back around. Haley, Fred and I were sitting out by the great lake George and Lee being in detention. “So you interested in anyone?” Haley said with a smirk like she knew something. “Not really, I mean I have my eye on this one guy but I’m not going to pursue it.” I answered her Fred said same. “Oooo whos the lucky person Freddie?” I shoved his shoulder with my finger jokingly, not knowing at the time why thinking of him with someone else hurt so much. It was time for dinner so we went inside Haley and I sat together alone so we could talk. “So you like Fred and didn’t tell me?” She sounded offended. “That's not what I said Hail.” I defended myself. “Yeah you said he's hot and you should’ve seen your face when he said he found some girl cute, you looked so pissed. Just admit it, if not to me then to yourself.” She clarified. And throughout the rest of dinner we sat in silence I was thinking about if it could be true, could I really like my best friend? Once dinner ended I was content to walk alone to the dorms just like I had everyday since Haley and Oliver started dating, the twins and Lee usually walked with each other. But tonight Fred caught up with me. “So you like someone again?” He asked me. “That's not what I said Fred. But if that's how you took it then that means you like someone?” I turned his question back on him. ”Yeah I’ve like someone since third year.” He told me and it hit me like a punch in the gut. “Do they know?” I asked and he laughed out loud embarrassed “Godric I hope not.” He put his arm around my shoulder and walked me to my dorm we said goodnight and I spent my first night thinking of nothing but Fred Weasley, little did I know that would last for the next 11 years of my life.
I woke up one morning and was hanging out with Lee when Oliver burst in and pulled me out into the hall. “Um..” he gulped “Haley was petrified last night. I knew I should have walked her to at least the entrance to your common room but she insisted.” I could tell how worried he was because his accent was extra thick. “Its not your fault Oliver its not like you did it to her.” I said getting emotional because who knows what's going to happen with the petrified parties I mean Dumbledore was already talking about shutting the school so the one person who is supposed to have it together does not, there is a strict curfew which is obviously not strict enough. I rubbed his shoulder trying to comfort him but I eventually had to walk away. I sat under the tree by the black lake and cried for a bit, I was so worried about Haley. About 30 minutes in to me being there the twins sat next to me, they didn’t say anything but were just there as moral support which was nice. “Thanks guys you two are amazing friends.” I said sincerely. Fred gave me a side hug while George went for the more joke response, “Well we are her friends too (Y/N).” Which made me chuckle and shove him a bit not hard but enough to slightly knock him over. A couple of days later the heads of houses made an announcement that their will be a stricter curfew and no quidditch. Which personally I didn’t mind, I don’t particularly leave my dorm after hours and quidditch is a take it or leave it for me but the twins had a lot to say. “This is cruelty.” George said dramatically. “Like you two don’t actively break the normal curfew.” I pointed out to him. “Yes but there will be way more patrol and because of that the teachers and Filtch will be way more pissy, think bigger picture sweets.” Fred emphasized, I chuckled and shook my head, “well maybe if you two settled down a notch you wouldn’t have to be so worried. You know the only time I have gotten in trouble in anyway is when you two were around.” I reminded and they got defensive. “Well while that may be factual do not for one second think you are innocent in that, every single time you got in trouble, more like scolded, it was when you were helping us plan a prank.” George exclaimed and Fred picked up “And besides it will affect you too because we can’t talk in class anymore and without me, you are sure to go mad and as much as I love you if you go mad you are on your own.” I swallowed back a laugh to feign anger “Wooow Fred, I see how it is.” I shook my head in exasperation. “Like you wouldn’t do the same to us.” George tried to poke holes in my logic. “You maybe but not Fred unlike him love means something to me.” I joked ignoring how much I truly meant those words and how it made my heart flutter when he said he loved me.
On the last week of school every petrified person and cat was fully healed and came to the great hall. She immediately went to Oliver which hurt but was understandable. When she got to me we hugged for a full 3 minutes before she let go. “I missed you so much you have to tell me what I missed okay?” She said as we were being shh��ed so Dumbledore could speak. He told us that all finals were canceled and I was over the moon, but I really wished I was in 7th year so I could skip my N.E.W.T.S and just be done. When we got back to the dorm I told her everything she missed since she had been gone, I mean I couldn’t tell her everything because I am just one person but you get the just. I even told her my newly found feelings for our friend. “Well duh, I’ve been trying to tell you, it’s been so obvious since first year. Anyway good night.” She said turning on her side going to sleep but she left me awake half the night thinking about Fred, am I obvious, is that why he was avoiding me? Has it really been since first year? Either way one thing was clear I was in love with Fred Weasley.
(trigger warning for this paragraph for argument with a parent that ends badly please do not read if its triggering nothing physical but its a lot especially if it is a trigger, well it was for me at least)
“(Y/N) don’t you think that is unnatural?” My dad asked me about a week before the train to fifth year. “Dad you are a wizard!” I exclaimed throwing my hands up “Exactly so I know first hand that this is unnatural! It is wrong!” He started to get heated. “So why send me at all, why not force me to conform to muggles, like you? You obviously didn’t have this problem in the last four school years so why now? And why wait until the week before school? We bought all of my supplies?” I tried to remain calm but it was hard because magic had become an important part of my life and I had amazing friends and even had my first relationship and he was trying to rip that all from under me. “I am just trying to help you, there is a war in the distance. I lost everything in the first war. Magic is only good for loss, if you continue on this path you’ll regret it!” He yelled. “Why, dad, why will I regret it?” I finally lost my cool and yelled back. “You’ll lose everything! Me and everything you will ever get out of life because of magic!” He yelled and then said calmly almost with no emotion at all. “If you go to that horrid school this year, you’ll only have a home here until you are 17 and then I never want to hear from you again.” I chuckled bitterly and walked out of the room and into my bedroom and just cried. And a week later I got on the train and never looked back, maybe I should have.
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