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coffeeandcalligraphy · 1 year

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hi!!! so i have been following your YouTube channel since (checks calender) 2018 so it's been a while, and I'm a huge fan, just a lil shy (you're so cool holy shit, your writing is mind blowing, aaaaaa), so ANYWAY the point of this ask is, body back sounds awesome, might i request some more vibes perhaps 👀👀👀

Omg hi!!!! I could cry to learn someone’s been watching my videos for so long 😭 thank you for all your support!! ❤️ when people think I’m cool it makes me v excited because I’m really just a little gremlin IRL! Happy you like my writing & appreciate all the engagement!

Of COURSE I can send more vibes for BB! First, here's just an excerpt because I'm about to go ham under the cut lol:

The pool he floats in belongs to a young couple. The man works real estate according to the signs Harrison’s seen of his face peppered around the neighbourhood. He’s wondered if that’s ever humiliating, to constantly see pixelated versions of yourself everywhere. But that doesn’t matter. His wife walks dogs in her free time, which means always. Last week, Harrison watched her jog with a vizsla, and just yesterday she spent the morning on their gable-roofed veranda brushing a wispy Alaskan malamute. That was the same veranda Harrison passed on his way to their yard’s fence. Perhaps they wanted someone to do what he did: hook his boot into the crisp rung of their gate, then swing right over. Why else would it have been so easy?

More in-depth BB rambles under here!

CW: drug addiction, mental illness, violence & suicide.

This project is taking over me right now, which might be a way of my brain procrastinating finishing Seventh Virtue (LOL), but I’ve learned to just lean into the hyperfixation so we’re here now!

I really felt drawn to write BB because of this extremely complex thing Harrison goes through in Moth Work that unbeknownst to 17-year-old Rachel who wrote it, she reaaaaaallllly relates to now at 21. I've been unable to stop thinking about this since re-reading MW, because I somehow profoundly represented this experience at 17 that I'm now undergoing at 21.

Harrison is supporting someone who needs a LOT of help (at this point in MW, Lonan’s been an addict for about 3 years, is chronically depressed, is in a constant disocciated state, has attempted suicide twice in less than a year). He feels responsible for this because he loves this person very much--he WANTS to help Lonan. But I don't think he realizes how much effort this will entail and that he himself doesn't have the sole power to "fix" anything. But he’s so young—how long can he handle this before he himself breaks?

The answer is: not long! One could say Harrison’s fatal flaw in MW is not wanting to change. He doesn’t WANT to leave Lonan behind because he doesn't WANT to lose him, he doesn’t WANT a relationship with his mom, Suzanna. At the same time, his life is at this tenuous impasse: things CANNOT sustainably continue in the state they're in, but he's terrified of them changing. And by the end of the book, both of those things happen—it’s his arc. The loose end is the prior point: he's terrified of change, but now the change has happened.

What I want to do in BB is take that loose end and light it on fire. I want to show what happens when that change happens. It's NECESSARY change, but in this moment, feels like the worst decision possible. BB is about the in-between space of being in a destructive relationship & eventually putting yourself first. For Harrison, the experience is extremely messy. He craves intimacy badly but has no idea how to love anyone but Lonan. He craves independence but is also scared of it: how do you start your own life when the last few years have been focused on someone else's?

In Moth Work, he creates the beginnings of a relationship with a man named Jeremiah (to be clear: H&L aren’t dating in MW, they never canonically actually date unlike how I make it sound LOL, only in the Seventh Virtue AU are they a couple!). Jeremiah is a really interesting character in Harrison's life because he represents something "normal." Here's when Harrison meets him in MW:

The motel is named after a dead woman—The Greta Arquette. Harrison discovers this while absently thumbing through a brochure at the empty front desk. The lobby is decorated with vintage clocks and floral wallpaper and it makes sense—the woman it’s dedicated to died at 92. He’s on page six when a young man with an earring and a hair pick appears behind the desk.

Harrison shuts the brochure and slots it back into the display. “Can I get a room?” he asks, already fumbling for his wallet.

“Long ride?”

The clerk—Jeremiah, according to his nametag—smiles. His skin glows amber under the lanterns hung from the ceiling, and his hair looks too good for 2AM. The collar of his uniform pastes underneath his sweater, and it’s almost charming, this unnoticed mistake.

Wait up for my video later today (3PM EST!!) where I literally in-depth analyze a couple scenes with Jeremiah (since I talk more about this there), but essentially, Harrison gets a small taste of what it might be like to be a "typical" 21-year-old here. It entails dancing with people you think are cute, enjoying each other's company without doing anything at all, going to breakfast, etc... All things he and Lonan have never done.

In BB, I want to show the breakdown of this "normal" relationship as Harrison more and more self-destructs to self-preserve. He literally cannot handle this change he's incited--who is he at all without Lonan? He doesn't know, and he can't handle that he doesn't know, so he "goes bad." There's brief mentions of this turn in Feeding Habits where Harrison addresses he was a bit of a disaster when he and his mother lived in Las Vegas, which is why his main goal in FH is to "restart" in NYC (and it's why he also gets destructive again in NYC when his second reboot fails).

I always knew elements of what happened to Harrison in Las Vegas, but didn't know the extent. In FH, the only element we're certain of is when he runs into the same woman Lonan runs into in ch. 6 of Moth Work. He essentially ends up being beat up badly, which for him (mostly his mother, Suz) is the last straw and what makes them pack up to NY.

It was only later, when he stumbled, bloody knuckled, through their front door, stepping over partygoers and martini glasses, that he understood. He hadn’t come to the party thinking about Lonan but managed to attract the same people. He hadn’t drunk the magenta liquid thinking about him but managed to exit the house stumbling, as Lonan did, his knees knotted like a newborn lamb's. There was something inconceivably indissoluble about them—their bond mirror-like, one making a decision, and the other mimicking it with vigour somewhere else, unknowingly inseparable.

But I've been wanting to write what happened BEFORE this, in the time between, which is what BODY BACK is going to be! Here's an excerpt from FH (ft. Jeremiah) that takes place during this timeline:

They saw each other in brief, neon stints. Drinking in his one-bedroom, after Jeremiah’s shifts at The Greta Arquette—a dingy motel—clattering, limb by limb, under his Styrofoam disco ball and calling it dance. They knew each other so little but so well. Where each groove of skin and bone on the other’s body was, what limbs could notch so perfectly together, like nubs of old soap fused together.

The vibes are going to be pretty much the above! Mirror balls, pop music, drugs in misty rooms, eat the rich, etc.

I've been excited to write this story because it shows a side of Harrison I only barely understood when I wrote Feeding Habits. It's actually why Feeding Habits was IMPOSSIBLE for me to write, because I was still seeing Harrison in "caretaker" mode when he actually was rejecting that fully. I wasn't used to seeing him make bad decisions. For all accounts, Harrison is a terrible person in FH. He takes advantage of his mother's kindness, he disappears to scare her, he's self-medicating, he's inviting Reeve to his place under the guise of catching up with an old friend when he actually doesn't care at all about her and only wants to see a glimpse of Lonan's face, he's stealing from the vulnerable, and doesn't want to stop any of it. FH is really Harrison's destruction arc, and BB is going to explore HOW that happened--what triggered those events?

I'd always seen Lonan as the "issue" in their relationship. This was natural in a lot of ways since Lonan started out as a literal villain (lol), but also mostly because I emotionally related to him most back when I was writing him. ALLL my negative emotions and struggles went right to him. It's why Lonan was my favourite character all throughout my teenage years. What I didn't expect is that at the age they're at in this book (21), I'd suddenly understand Harrison on a very, very different level. This is also another reason I want to write this like NOW because I'm 21 and in a similar (albeit wayyyy less dramatic) era. Is this sort of going to be autofiction, maybe!

I think in MW, Harrison doesn't feel much like an "adult" yet. in BODY BACK, he KNOWS he's an adult, and goes a little too hard knowing he can do whatever the hell he wants. If Harrison can do what he wants, it means he can reclaim himself even if it means destruction along the way. What's he willing to do to get his body back?

That's a q to ponder!

It's going to be lots of fun! LOL

#writing #fostered #bodyback #mothwork #I love this project sm already even tho I've barely written it #idk how I'm going to be a functional Adult until this thing is out of my brain

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xythlia · 2 years

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୨୧⋆｡˚ RULES

BEFORE YOU FOLLOW!!

this blog contains nsfw + dark content! you must be 18+ to interact with me. [but I don't check every single person that interacts w my works bc that just not sustainable im just assuming everyone is respecting general 18+ rules]

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WRITING!

this blog is multifandom so you'll see me write whatever i want usually although I mostly post for om, genshin, n one piece rn

I do take requests, you have to be patient tho bc this is a hobby not a job & I don't wanna end up hating something that brings me joy

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I don't write mommy kink, ddlg, piss, scat, vore, feet, feederism, or bug chasing. that doesn't mean I'm against any of those things, im not shaming it's just not stuff I wanna write about. all other things I do write will be tagged accordingly tho

all the characters I write for are canon adults, I don't write for minors or age up minor characters.

thank yew 4 reading all this & respecting my boundaries!

#— logistics #if ur unclear on anything just ask!

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user21340 · 3 years

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unexpected confession

(not my gif or characters)

summary: you have a little too much to drink and nat takes care of you. you then confess your crush to a certain someone without realizing.

pairings: natasha romanoff x fem!reader

warnings: fluff, alcohol, swearing (lmk if i’m forgetting any)

word count: a little over 1k ish

a/n- just another drunk reader fluffy story. i’ve been consuming wanda and nat fanfics for a bit now and decided to write one. i’m aware it definitely has grammatical and structure issues but i’m trying (i don’t understand how to set up dialogue for the life of me)😪. thank you for reading, love yaa💕💕

also i’m sorry that this story is a lil messy i was bored in between classes. with that being said my thoughts as well as this short are scattered a lil.

It was another fun night out with the team at one of Tony’s notorious parties he threw for the littlest reasons or simply no reason at all. It was about 1:30 AM and you were completely o u t of i t. You were sitting crisscross applesauce on the cold tiles while staring at a blank wall daydreaming about being Natasha’s girlfriend. Of course you had a crush on her who wouldn’t? The only times you fantasized about being with her was when you were dreaming because someone like her would never even shake hands with someone like you, right?

Now, you hardly ever let loose and you were a pretty shy and reserved person so it was surprising to everyone on the team when you starting pounding drinks, but at this point those thoughts were quickly forgotten when your state mirrored most other team members as well. You finally broke out of your daze when you feel a soft hand pat your shoulder. You look around and see the whole team was gone meaning they most likely retreated to their rooms during the time when you were blanked out. You finally look up, much to your confusion, you see the gorgeous, surprisingly sober, red headed ex-assassin peering down at you with a expression between concern and amusement written all over her face.

“Hey y/n/n, it’s bedtime.” Natasha spoke softly.

“But I’m not tiredddd...” you whined and pouted.

“I’ll be the judge of that, babe.” she chuckled.

Your brain short circuits at the pet name as your eyes widen and mouth opens and closes like a fish. She is puzzled for a minute while trying to figure out what caused you to shut down. It doesn’t take long for her to figure the trigger which she laughs at as she outreaches a hand towards you on the ground.

You just stare at it for a couple seconds and look up at her face then back down to her hand. As amusing and adorable you are in this state she knows you better get to bed soon and hydrate yourself before you have a hell of a hangover tomorrow. She proceeds to grab your hand to stand you up. Still starstruck, you try and work with her by taking a step forward which you stumble and you grab Natasha for support which she lets you do before picking up your smallish frame and placing you on her hip.

You are more than content with the position you are in as she effortlessly carries you up to where you think your room is. Only to find out minutes later you are being placed in a foreign bed in an unfamiliar looking room.

“Hold on y/n/n I’ll be right back. Let me go grab you a bottle of Fiji water before the boys suck it down after trying Thor’s Asguardian liquor. Don’t fall asleep on me just yet sweetheart.” she half heartedly lectures.

“No! P-pleaseee don’t go!” you say starting to tear up. Natasha frowns,

“Awe, don’t cry honey, I’m just going to get you water and maybe some tylenol so when you wake up you don’t feel like shit.”.

“Oh, okay!” you smile returning to your happy self. She walks towards the door with her signature smirk on her face while slowly shaking her head at your hasty mood swings.

3 minutes later

Natasha opens her door seeing you all bundled up in her blankets and smiles. Half asleep, she makes you sit up and finish half of the water bottle. You have a huge tired smile on your face,

“Nat, can I tell you a secret?” you speak.

“Of course y/n you can tell me anything.” she answers.

“First you have to pinky promise me you won’t tell her though. Okay?”.

“Yep,” she pops the p as she intertwines her pinky with yours, “your secret is safe with me.”

“I have a crush on someone you might know.” you slur.

“Is that so?” you nod. She doesn’t want to get her hopes up because after all this time getting to know you on the team she is just utterly infatuated with every fiber of your being. She really thought you were aware of her crush on you but you were completely oblivious to the signs of flirtation she would send your way.

“She’s the most beautiful, intelligent, kind, brave, badass women in this universe, she also has eyes I could get lost in for months at a time, and I have a crush on her.

“Who?” she questions.

“Black Widow. I know I don’t have a chance with her but it’s fun to dream big sometimes, y’know? I just love her so much. She can take down men triple her size, hack into almost any web infrastructure, and god, have I mentioned she looks like a goddess yet?” you ramble while she is frozen at the end of her bed with a small smirk on her face.

“Don’t you think you should dream a little bigger than that baby?” she says as she inches a little closer to you. You shoot her a glare.

“Why? You don’t think that dream is big enough? I can’t possibly think of anything I would like more in life than to have a chance to go on a date with her.” you start off speaking full of anger but it slowly reduces to a hushed whisper.

“No, not at all y/n/n. But you really should go to bed now. We’ll talk in the morning, sounds good?” she suggests.

“Yeahh” you yawn, “just one more thing Nat, can you lay down with me? Also, you might be surprised to hear this, but you kinda look like Black Widow.” she let’s out one of the most genuine laughs you have ever heard from her.

“You know what? Now that you mention it, people have told me that before. But, of course I’ll lay with you.”

She lays on the bed right next to you. You face her and cling onto her like a koala bear.

“Night, night, Natty.” you whisper.

“Goodnight cutie.” she softly replies, placing a soft kiss to the top of your head.

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff x fem!reader #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanov x reader #black widow x reader

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colorseeingchick · 3 years

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Cheer you up, Calm you down (Iwa, Suna, Kuroo)

Life is full of ups and downs! And the downs can come in all forms. But no matter what it is and how you seek to be comforted, these boys will have your back.

A/N: This is part 1 of a longer series I have planned. All the boys are given different Y/Ns with different personalities and different scenarios. But that’ll become more clear in the next parts, I think. But regardless, I hope you enjoy part 1!

Warnings: Language. These are all meant to be ambiguous as to whether they are romantic or platonic. Interpret as you wish!

Iwaizumi Hajime: with a rambling Y/N

When you got the phone call, your heart dropped. He was… with another girl?

You shouldn’t have cared. You shouldn’t have. You guys weren’t dating or anything. But at the same time, you two had been talking for months. And he went out of his way to tell you that he was going to be ‘with the boys.’ So why did he lie? What game was he tryna play?

You weren’t ready to process the sadness, so instead you decide to break down the anger boiling in your stomach. Which is why you had been fuming over the phone for hours to Iwaizumi.

“Hello?”

“He’s a two timing pig.”

“Who?”

As you explain everything over and speak out your heart, Iwa listens. You noted when the other side of the line went silent, but continued to ramble into the phone.

“Are you driving?” You ask him as you hear a breeze coming from Iwa’s side.

“Just an open window,” he dismisses. You didn’t have too much time to question it. Your answer came when you heard a knock at the door.

“What? What are you… doing here?” pulling your phone down from your face, you let confusion enter your trashed puddle of emotions (mainly dominated by frustration).

“Surprise. It’s been an hour and you’re still mad. And I can’t listen to you forever.” Iwaizumi leans against the doorframe, arms crossing in front of him. “So let’s go.” You saw his shiny motorcycle parked close to the curb of your driveway, teasing you with the notion of a joyride.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, anything to get you over this shit. Let’s go.”

As you follow Iwa out, you adjust your weight on the bike, pulling closer to him as he revs the bike. “Don’t squeeze me. Just hold onto my waist, okay?”

Feeling the wind scratch your cheeks and pull tears from your eyes, a smile shines bright on your face. The frustration and anger that constricted your chest had been completely ripped away, the floating feeling in your belly causing bubbly joy to replace it as Iwaizumi guns it on the straight road ahead.

“Better?” Iwaizumi asks you as he tugs his helmet off, parked back on your driveway. You rest your head against his back, hands wrapped around his stomach, a smile plastered on your face.

“Yeah.”

“Good. Don’t waste your energy being pissed about that mother fucker. Not worth it.”

You scoff, smile unfaltering. “You’re right. I’ll just use that energy to bother you instead.” He sighs. But you just know he’s smiling.

“Looking forward to it.”

Suna Rintarou: with a Y/N on a rampage

Pacing your basement hallway, you were absolutely ready to tear a new one to the next unfortunate soul that walked in.

You’d just gotten back from a very long, complicated, messy meeting with a bunch of your teammates and coaches. A teammate who had hated you for seemingly no reason had just spent the last 3 hours trying to accuse you of something you never did. But for those 3 hours you were shocked to find that you had to actually defend you. Of course they realized you were innocent by the end, but they all just let that happen. No one defended you. Not even your ‘friends.’ You were livid, deep in a ‘I hate the world and want to watch it burn’ mood. Hence why you wanted to tear apart whoever was unfortunate enough to cross paths with you.

You were not ready for that person to be Suna Rintarou.

“Suna what the heck are you doing here? Did you see my texts?”

“Y/N-”

“I swear if you didn’t read them I’m gonna be so mad. I literally cannot believe this is even happening right now.” Your voice shakes as you stew in your own anger.

“Y/N…”

“I’ve never been angrier in my whole life I swear, this is unreal, absolutely unreal. Absolutely unacceptable. I literally cannot believe that they’re all absolute-”

You’re cut off when Suna grabs your hand, squeezing it abruptly.

“What the-”

He turns your palm up and places a rectangular item (that he’d been storing in his hoodie’s pocket) into your grasp. After he pulls away, you take a moment to inspect the item.

“The hell is this…” You blink-

And process.

“Why did you give me a snicker’s bar?”

“Because you’re not you when you’re hungry,” Suna deadpans.

“...”

“That’s so not funny, Suna.”

“Then why’re you smiling.”

Unfortunately, he’d got you there. You were no less angry, but the flow of anger had been interrupted by a new flow of amusement.

“Suna I’m being fucking serious right now, I can’t-”

You’re stopped this time by the rough jolt of your body forward as Suna roughly pulls your hoodie over your head, and then squeezes you in a hug.

“It’s shitty, I know. But everything is a lil less shitty with chocolate. Deep breath, eat, and then you can rant to me. I’m caught up on the texts.”

“...thank you.”

“No problem. But break a piece of the snickers off for me, will ya?”

“Aw hell nah this is my chocolate now!”

“Never buying you chocolate again.”

Kuroo Tetsurou: with a Y/N who just needs to get it out

“I’m literally gonna murder him.”

“Ya know, you should really stop staying stuff like that- cuz if he mysteriously dies and they take you to court, I’ll be the one who has to testify that you threatened murder. And I don’t really want that.”

“I know I know- you know I wouldn’t actually do anything but UGH!” You pound the ground against you in a fit of rage while Kuroo watches you, laying down on the hill you both had retreated to.

“I cannot believe him. It’s absolutely insane that he just keeps getting away with this shit and nobody does ANYTHING about it! And then they have the audacity to make me out to be the bad guy?! It’s so freakin’ bogus.”

“They still haven’t done anything about it huh.”

“And they won’t. Surprise surprise. Everyone sucks at holding people accountable once it's their ‘favorite student’ that has all the flaws. I’m so over all of this.”

Kuroo perches upwards at the sound of your voice cracking, keying in on how frustrated and emotionally exhausted you truly were.

“What do you want to do about it?”

“I don’t know. All I want right now is for my chest to stop hurting. This is so frustrating.” You try your best to keep it together in front of him, but he knew better. He knew much better.

“C’mere.” Kuroo wraps his arms around you, burying your face into his chest. “Scream.”

“Huh?” He had to know how odd of a request that was.

“Bury your face in my chest and just like, scream. Yell. Cry. Whatever you want. You’ll feel better. Get it out.”

“...mm…”

And so you did. You muffled your screams into Kuroo’s shirt, your throat going raw, your tears falling down, and his firm hold unwavering. As you pull away slowly, he gives you a firm shoulder pat before checking up again. “Better?”

“Yeah. Better.”

Notes:

Iwa’s is based off my best guy friend who’s a motorcyclist. I fully headcanon Iwa having a bike he HAS THE VIBES.

If you don’t get Suna’s comment please watch this video: here

Kuroo’s situation is not based off a personal one but, the ‘casually threatening murder’ is very much like me. And it makes all my pre-law friends very worried sometimes.

These are all SO SHORT I kinda hate it but expect the next parts to be...much longer lol I suck at concision.

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hxlyhead-harpies · 4 years

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Shining Just For You (S.B.)

Summary: You had never had much luck with boys, coming to the conclusion that you were no one’s type. But you certainly were not Sirius Black’s type.

Song of the Fic: Mirror Ball by Taylor Swift

I've never been a natural All I do is try, try, try I'm still on that trapeze I'm still trying everything To keep you looking at me

Word Count: 7.1k

Warnings: Insecurity, alcohol use, cursing, mentions of vomit and food

A/n: hello everyone! this is the longest thing i’ve written so i hope you all enjoy it! i really enjoyed writing it!!

The early December sun danced across the pages of your book as you read, situated by the largest window in the library. It was an early morning on a Saturday as you studied, pouring over your history of magic textbook. You loved the library at this time of day. The golden beams of the post dusk sun filled the room and the hum of silence engulfed you. And there was never anyone around to bother you.

Except for today of course.

“Hello there Ms. (L/n),” a voice said as the seat across from you became occupied. You rolled your eyes, pretending to be annoyed with the boy who had graced your presence.

“Hello, Black,” you said, looking up to meet eyes with Sirius. He leaned back and propped his feet up on the table, sending you one of his signature smirks. You gasped before slapping at his legs.

“Feet off the table,” you whispered harshly. Sirius let out a chuckle.

“Only if you come to the quidditch match today,” he stated, making you freeze.

“There’s a quidditch match today?” you asked quietly. You felt incredibly guilty. You had promised your cousin James that you would try to come to at least one of his matches this year since you had missed every match in your sixth year. Sirius scoffed at you.

“Of course there’s a match today. I’m surprised you’ve forgotten since it’s all that James has talked about all week,” he said with a chuckle. You began to gather your things.

“I’ve learned to tune him out,” you explained, earning a laugh from Sirius. You tried not to let your cheeks heat up too much at the noise, proud that you were able to elicit that kind of response from him.

“Why are you here anyway?” he asked, gesturing to your pile of books, “It’s a Saturday.” You continue to shove your things into your satchel.

“I always study on Saturday mornings,” you responded. Sirius sighed.

“You’re so weird. I can’t believe you’d spend a Saturday studying,” he said. You turned to look at him.

“Some of us actually have to work to get good grades,” you said with a slight hint of defensiveness. Sirius smiled at you.

“Well some of us prefer to have fun instead of being painfully boring,” he responded with a chuckle. The comment stung but you masked it with a half-hearted laugh. You knew that you and Sirius did not have the same definition of fun, but it still hurt that he would call you boring. You made a move to leave and Sirius followed you.

“Now, you do know how to get to the quidditch pitch don’t you?” he said teasingly. You shoved his shoulder.

“Of course I do you prat,” you replied. Sirius threw his hand up in surrender.

“Hey I’m just checking,” he laughed lightly. When you arrive at the common room you turn to head up the girl’s staircase.

“I’ll save you a seat,” Sirius called after you, causing you to flush darkly.

“Thank you,” you shouted over your shoulder, refusing to face him in case he saw how flustered he made you. Sirius had always had the ability to turn you into a blushing mess ever since the moment you met him. It had been your first year when he stumbled into the compartment you shared with James, asking if he could sit with you. Even at eleven, when his stormy grey eyes met yours, you knew that he’d be all you thought of for years. And as you grew, your feelings for the boy only grew as well. Every moment alone in the common room and as potions partners were ingrained in your mind, replayed every night as you fell asleep. But despite your intense feelings for Sirius, he never seemed to see you as anything more than a friend, continuing to hook up with his string of gorgeous girls. The kind of girls that you wished you looked like when you gazed into your mirror. They were all undeniably beautiful, with gorgeous flowing hair and flawless skin. Their long and nimble fingers grazing his arms when they passed him in the hallways. They were quite the opposite of you, comfortable in their own bodies and confident. They were everything that you wished that you were.

You had never had much luck with boys, coming to the conclusion that you were no one’s type. But you certainly were not Sirius Black’s type.

You bustled up the stairs to your room, pushing open the door and dropping your bag by your bed. Lily looked up from her spot by the mirror, her mascara wand frozen mid-air.

“Oh, you’re back early today,” she said, confusion evident in her brow. You opened your trunk and pulled out a thick Gryffindor jumper, pulling it over your white turtleneck.

“I’ve decided to go to the match today,” you said, smoothing out your hair. Lily let out a laugh.

“You? Going to quidditch?” she asked with a goofy grin on her face. You shrugged with a small frown.

“James asked me to go,” you said quietly. Lily narrowed her eyes.

“James always asks you to go and you haven’t shown up in three years. I’m surprised you even knew there was a match today,” she said, turning back to the mirror to finish her makeup.

“Sirius found me in the library earlier and reminded me,” you said and you sidled up next to her by the mirror. You grabbed a red silk ribbon and began to pull your hair back. Lily smirked at you in the mirror.

“Oh now I understand,” she said in a playful tone. You rolled your eyes. “You just want to hang out with your boyfriend,” she continued before capping her mascara. You scoffed.

“Sirius is not my boyfriend! And if anyone is going to the match today to impress a boy it’s you,” you said, causing Lily to cough and blush deeply.

“Oh shut up,” she mumbled.

“Oh come on Lily I know you’re just going to watch James,” you said with a grin. Lily hid her crimson face with her hair.

“I just have house spirit,” she rationalized. You leaned back against the dresser and gave her a pointed look as she dropped onto her bed.

“Oh yeah? Then who’s jumper are you wearing right now?” you asked teasingly. Lily’s eyes went wide and she chucked a pillow at you. You just laughed before throwing it back at her and flopping on the bed beside her. The two of you laid in silence for a moment, mulling over your respective harbored feelings for boys with messy black hair. After a moment you spoke, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Lils?” you asked.

“Mhm?” she responded, turning her head to look at you.

“Do you think I’m boring?” you inquired softly. Lily furrowed her eyebrows.

“Of course not,” she said, “Why would you think that?” You shrugged, playing with a loose thread on the blanket. “Sirius called me boring this morning,” you revealed, sadness creeping into your voice. Lily scoffed.

“He was just teasing, you know how he is,” Lily said, propping herself up on her elbows. “He didn’t mean anything by it.” You frowned and continued to stare at the quilt. Lily hopped off the bed and held out her hand.

“Now let’s go,” she said with a smile, “Our boys are waiting.”

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

When you and Lily arrived at the quidditch pitch you are already cold. You rubbed your hands together as you searched the full stands to see if Sirius actually saved you a seat or not. You eventually spotted him among the Gryffindors and you pulled Lily towards him.

When you arrived you sat down in the empty space next to him, shooting him a small smile.

“You actually came,” he said with a smirk, “Peter and I were taking bets on if you’d actually show or not.” You rolled your eyes.

“Of course I came. You dragged me out of the library for this,” you said. Sirius clutched his chest in mock offense.

“I did not drag you,” he exclaimed, “you left of your own volition.” You chuckled, shaking your head.

The match began soon after, the players taking their positions in the sky. You watched as they zoomed back and forth, different colored balls flying in different directions. You only vaguely understood how quidditch worked, learning solely from Jame’s rambles at the breakfast table, but you were completely confused as to what was happening in front of you. Sirius noticed your pinched expression and smiled softly, finding your confusion positively adorable. He nudged you with his shoulder.

“Do you have any idea what’s happening?” he asked with a raised brow. Your eyes went wide.

“What? Of course I do,” you sputtered causing his smile to widen.

“Okay, clearly you don’t,” he teased, “what do you need me to explain?” You ducked your head.

“What does the little golden ball do?” you asked nervously. Sirius barked out a loud laugh, causing several students to turn your way. Lily shifted beside you.

“Did you just ask what the snitch means?” she asked. You covered your face with your hands.

“Forget it,” you grumbled, silently wishing that you had paid more attention to James. If you had actually listened when he explained the game to you multiple times, you wouldn’t be sitting here, embarrassing yourself greatly in front of Sirius. You suddenly wished that you were Lily, who had understood quidditch since the first match she had ever attended.

“No no it’s okay,” Sirius chuckled, removing your hands from your face. Your hands burned even under your wool mittens from the contact. “Catching the snitch is the only way to end the game,” he explained, “The seekers look for it while the others play, and whichever team catches it gains a hundred and fifty points.”

“A hundred and fifty?” you exclaimed, “Then what’s the point of the rest of the game? Whoever catches the snitch basically wins with all those points.” Sirius shook his head.

“It’s really hard to catch so sometimes it takes them hours to play. The score gets up to three hundred sometimes, even before the snitch is caught.” You frowned.

“I guess that kind of makes sense. I still think it’s stupid,” you said. Sirius laughed loudly again.

“You’re so weird,” he said before mussing up your hair. You swatted his hand away and attempted to ignore the burning embarrassment that you felt in your chest. Only about thirty minutes into the match, the Gryffindor seeker caught the snitch and effectively won the game. The stands stood up, roaring in pride. Lily took off towards the pitch, searching for James. You made your way down there as well, hoping to congratulate your cousin. When you found him in the crowd he had an arm around the very flushed Lily whom you raised an eyebrow at. She just rolled her eyes and subtly flicked you off.

“Congrats Jamie!” you said, raising your hand for a high five. His eyes widened at the sight of you, using his unoccupied arm to pull you into a quick side hug.

“You actually came!” he cried with a wide smile, “I owe Wormtail two galleons now.” you scoffed indignantly.

“Yee of little faith,” you said. James laughed and shook his head.

“Glad Sirius convinced you to come,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows at you. You felt heat crawl up your neck. Lily slapped his arm.

“James! Behave,” she said. James smiled at her.

“I’m sorry my Lilyflower, it won’t happen again.” Lily ducked under his arm, causing him to pout.

“I said not to call me that, Potter,” she said with a glare. But there was a deep affection for the boy shining in her eyes. Sirius came up behind you and patted James on the back.

“Good game mate,” he said with a grin. James threw an arm around his best friend’s shoulder.

“You might need to convince (Y/n) to come to another match, I think she was good luck.” You ducked your head slightly.

Before you could respond, a girl came over and snaked her hand around Sirius’s arm. Sirius looked down at Marlene and sent her a smile. You felt your stomach turn in jealousy. Marlene was your roommate and one of your closest friends. But you couldn’t help but be envious of her closeness with Sirius. She was his most consistent hookup, them adopting a friends with benefits type of relationship. Marlene was beautiful with long blonde hair and a slender frame. She wore clothes that you only wished you could someday be confident enough to pull off and had an irresistible air about her. You wanted to be like her more than anything.

“There’s an afterparty in the common room tonight. You gonna be there?” she asked. You understood the implications of her words and the question that she was really asking him.

“Wouldn’t miss it,” he said, adopting a slightly flirty tone. Marlene turned to the rest of the group, her bright eyes wide and expectant.

“Will you guys come too?” she asked, her voice much more innocent than before. Everyone around you nodded. You saw Sirius look at you.

“What about you, (Y/n),” he asked. You looked up and shrugged.

“Parties aren’t really my thing,” you replied. In your seven years at school, you had never attended a party, not understanding the appeal of getting drunk and dancing amongst sweaty bodies. Sirius snorted.

“Don’t know what I expected. Of course, Miss boring won’t be coming,” he said. His tone indicated that his statement was nothing more than a lighthearted jibe but you suddenly felt the burning need to prove him wrong.

“You know what,” you said with false confidence, “I think I will go.”

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

You stood in front of your mirror, tugging at the short skirt that you were wearing. You barely recognized yourself, having let Lily and Marlene dress you up. They had chosen a purple tank top and a black mini skirt. You had to admit that you looked good, but you did not look like yourself. If anything you looked more like Marlene, minus the effortless confidence and all around perfection. But when you thought of how Sirius constantly flirted with her, maybe emulating Marlene wouldn’t be such a bad thing. You gave your reflection one final frown before turning to your friends. Lily was applying a final coat of lipgloss and Marlene was messing with her hair.

“You guys almost ready?” you asked, wringing your hands nervously. Lily set aside her makeup and walked towards you.

“You look so good!” Lily said, seemingly not noticing your insecurity. You smiled anxiously at her, thanking her softly. Marlene ran her hands through her hair a final time before marching towards you.

“Let’s go, ladies,” she said with an excited squeal. She grabbed both of your hands and pulled you and Lily out the door.

When you arrived in the common room the party was already in full swing. Students were dancing together in the middle of the room and cups of firewhiskey mixed with a mystery liquid were being handed out. Marlene was immediately pulled onto the dance floor by a sixth year she had been flirting with and bid you goodbye. You and Lily weaved through the crowd together, searching for familiar faces.

You spotted the Marauders by the drinks table, each of them holding a cup in their hands. Lily went up to James, initiating a conversation with the boy. You stood by awkwardly, unsure of where to go. Suddenly, Sirius came up next to you, a second cup in his hand.

“A glass of jungle juice for the lady,” he said with a smirk. You smiled at him and accepted the cup. You wondered if your eyes were playing tricks on you or if Sirius had just looked you up and down.

“Thank you,” you said before taking a small sip. You immediately scrunched your nose and flinched, not used to the burning sensation in your throat. Sirius laughed from beside you.

“You’ll get used to it,” he said, taking a long sip of his own drink.

“That was disgusting,” you said before taking another equally excruciating sip. Sirius lowered your cup from your lips, sending you a warning glance.

“Don’t drink too much too fast or you’ll get absolutely smashed,” he warned, “And you’ll get a killer headache in the morning.” You nodded in understanding. You took a quick glance around the room, spotting James and Lily head to the dance floor.

“So what does one do at a party?” you asked Sirius, earning a sweet lopsided grin from him.

“Well, obviously you drink,” he said, raising his cup. “But you also dance, hang out with people, and a lot of people come to find a quick hookup.”

“Okay got it,” you responded, bopping your head to the music.

“Not that you have to do any of that,” he said, “especially the last one.” Your cheeks flushed at his implication.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” you mumbled, taking a quick sip of your drink. A silence settled over you as you fiddled with the straps of your tank top, still not used to the low cut. Sirius suddenly downed the rest of his drink.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, “I’m gonna get a refill.” You nodded quickly. While you waited you finished your own drink, becoming more used to the flavor as your head became fuzzier. You waited for Sirius for a while, and it appeared that he wouldn’t be coming back. You made your way to the drink table and Sirius was nowhere to be found. You sighed, assuming that he had left with Marlene or another girl. You refilled your cup and downed it quickly, barely taking a break between sips, and poured a third. You stumbled over to the couch, realizing that the drink was stronger than you thought. As soon as you plopped down on the sofa, Lily was at your side, her cheeks flushed and her clothes slightly rumpled.

“(Y/n)!” she cried, throwing her arms around your neck, “There you are!” You giggled at your friend, her affectionate side coming out full force when she drank. As she burrowed into your neck, you caught a whiff of a familiar cologne. Your eyes widened and you pushed Lily off you.

“Did you? With James?” you asked, unable to properly articulate the question in your drunken state. Lily giggled.

“Yes,” she said, “but shh, don’t tell anyone.” Lily pressed her index finger to your mouth, causing you to giggle.

“That’s gross,” you groaned, attempting to rid yourself of the image of your cousin and best friend in a compromising position. Lily scoffed.

“I can promise you that it was certainly not gross,” she said with a sly smile. You covered your ears.

“Enough! I don’t want any details,” you cried. Lily laughed uncontrollably, flopping against you.

“Let’s dance,” she said, pulling you up from the couch. The two of you stumbled onto the dance floor and began to sway to the music.

“I don’t know how to dance!” you shouted at her. Lily grinned wildly.

“No one here does! That’s the fun of it!” The two of you jumped to the music and swung around. You felt a pair of large hands touch your hips and you turned to see a boy in your year looking down on you with half-lidded eyes. At the moment you couldn’t remember his name, but you leaned into his touch anyways, moving closer. A flash of guilt came over you when his fingers brushed the bare skin of your stomach but you brushed it away. Why should you feel the need to stay loyal to a boy that you don’t even have? A boy who didn’t even think of you in a romantic sense?

From across the room, Sirius watched you over Marlene’s shoulder. The girl had pulled him into a conversation and had effectively trapped him in a corner. He hadn’t meant to leave you stranded in the middle of the party. Now he watched as you pressed yourself against a stranger and Sirius gritted his teeth. He looked back down at Marlene who was looking up at him with a seductive expression. He had no intention of sleeping with her tonight, only wanting to spend his time with you. But it seemed that he had blown his chances since you were clearly occupied. So Sirius brushed a strand of hair from Marlene’s face a leaned closer to her.

Lily backed away from you, sending you a not so subtle thumbs-up, before abandoning the dancefloor. You and the boy danced for a while longer before you caught sight of Marlene and Sirius with their faces close together. You frowned slightly before tearing your eyes away, not wanting to subject yourself to that torture. You tried to turn your attention back to the boy who you were pressed against. His advances were getting slightly bolder, his hands traveling slightly farther down your waist. He suddenly flipped you around, tilting your chin towards him with his pointer finger. He started to lean in, but you broke away from his grasp.

“What are you doing?” you asked, your panic levels rising.

“Trying to kiss you?” he answered, confused at your reaction. You felt tears slightly burn behind your eyes and you went to push past him. He grabbed you by the wrist.

“Where are you going? I thought we were having a good time,” he asked, anger edging into his tone.

“Away from you,” you replied, harsher than you intended. He scoffed before letting go of your wrist. You push through the crowd and out of the common room.

Sirius watched the whole altercation and peeled Marlene off of him when he saw you flee the party.

“Sirius?” she asked, confusion in her eyes.

“I have to go,” he said breathlessly. Marlene shrugged.

“Alright then. I’ll go find Dorcas,” she said, heading off to find her next hookup.

Sirius hurried out the portrait hole, attempting to track you down. He found you crumpled in a hallway a small ways away from the fat lady. Your head was in your hands and you cried, the makeup Marlene had meticulously put on you slowly smudging. Sirius slid down next to you and pulled you into a tight hug, setting his chin atop of your head and letting you sob into his shirt.

“It’s alright,” he said in an attempt to soothe you. You hiccupped.

“I hate parties,” you cried, your voice muffled by his T-shirt. Sirius couldn’t help but smile slightly at your personality shining through your drunken stupor.

“I know I know,” he said quietly, rubbing circles into your back.

After a few minutes of muffled crying, you sat up and wiped your eyes.

“Feeling better?” Sirius asked, pulling his knees up to his chest. You nodded silently.

“Why are you out here?” you asked quietly, “I thought you were with Marlene.” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, not missing the bitterness in your voice.

“She’s still at the party,” he answered, “I left her to come to help you.” You pouted slightly.

“Why would you leave Marlene?” you asked confusedly, “I’m not worth that, Marlene’s perfect.” Sirius frowned deeply.

“What are you talking about,” he prodded. You sighed.

“Marlene is so pretty and perfect. I don’t know why you’d leave her to come see me,” you slurred. Sirius brushed a strand of hair from his face.

“Because I was worried about you. Besides, you’re more important to me than Marlene,” he answered. Your frown only deepened.

“But you spend all that time around her. And she’s so beautiful. Merlin,” you put your head in your hands, “I wish I was like her.” Sirius thought his heart would break at your words and forlorn expression. He pulled you back into his chest, stroking your hair.

“You don’t need to be like Marlene,” he assured you. You struggled to break free from his grasp.

“You don’t understand,” you mumbled.

“Then explain it to me,” he sighed. You pulled your knees to your chest.

“Marlene is so beautiful and confident. I just wish that I could be like her. Or even half as pretty as she would be enough,” you peered up at Sirius with teary eyes.

“What are you talking about?” he whispered, “You’re beautiful.” You scoffed.

“No, I’m not. I’m homely and plain and I’m boring. I’m not enough. Marlene is enough. Lily is enough! I want to be like them,” you said, choking back a sob. Sirius reached out to wipe away your tears.

“You’re more than enough.”

“But I’m not! I’m not pretty like them. I’m not sure of myself like Marlene. I’m not smart like Lily. For Godric’s sake! That’s why I’m always in the library every weekend. I need to spend my whole life studying to make good marks. No matter how much I try and try it’s never good enough,” you yelled. Sirius was silent, taken aback by your outburst. He had no idea what to say to you to try to get you to understand just how wrong you were.

“(Y/n),” he pleaded with you to look at him. You lifted your head, your cheeks still flushed from yelling. “You are unbelievable. You’re kind and funny, and astonishingly sweet. Lily and Marlene don’t even hold a candle to you,” he said softly. You looked away.

“You’re just saying that because you’re my friend,” you accused, your words slightly garbled from the alcohol. Sirius looks you deeply in the eyes, his eyes unwavering.

“You are the most beautiful and amazing girl that I have ever seen. And I have thought this since the moment that we first met,” he said. This confession stirred something in your chest. You tried to think of what to say, sorting through your fuzzy and muddled thoughts. You opened your mouth to reply, before promptly leaning over and hurling all over Sirius’s shoes.

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

The next morning you woke up with an earth splitting headache. You groaned as you rolled over, spotting the glass of water on your bedside table. You looked down to see that you were still wearing last night’s clothes.

“Good morning sunshine,” Lily said with a smirk, leaning against the dresser in one of James’s jumpers.

“Quiet please,” you begged, sitting up slowly. Lily chuckled. You looked around the room to see Mary and Alice sleeping soundly in their beds.

“Where’s Marlene?” you asked, dread settling at the bottom of your stomach, immediately assuming that she was with Sirius. Lily shrugged.

“She never made it back last night.” You swung your legs out of bed and began to get ready for the day, wiping off the old makeup and putting on fresh clothing.

“She must be with Sirius then,” you said. You saw Lily frown.

“Do you remember anything that happened last night?” she asked. You tried to recall your memories to no avail.

“The last thing I remember is dancing with you and that guy. Everything is all fuzzy after that,” you confessed, “Why?”

“Well, that guy made a pass at you so you ran away. Sirius brought you back and put you to bed. I think Marlene was with Dorcas, not Sirius,” she revealed. You frowned, struggling to recall these events. No matter how hard you tried you couldn’t remember a thing.

“Oh,” was your only response.

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

“Hello there ladies!” James called as you and Lily walked to the table for breakfast. Lily sat next to him and didn’t protest when he put an arm around her waist, and you plopped down and immediately rested your head on the table.

“Rough night?” Remus asked with a chuckle.

“I am never drinking again,” you replied with a groan.

“That’s what they all say,” James said, patting you on the back. You sat up, trying to find something to eat that wouldn’t make you throw up. You glance up to see Sirius avoiding your gaze.

“Hey,” you whispered to him. He looked up at you briefly before turning back to his plate.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Do you know what happened when I left the party? I can barely remember a thing from last night,” you asked. Sirius’s shoulders appeared to slump slightly.

“I went to go find you and then I carried you back to your room,” he said, still not looking at you fully.

“Oh. So that’s all?” you asked. Sirius smirked.

“That and you threw up on me,” he revealed, making your jaw drop.

“I did not!” you exclaimed, your hand covering to cover your mouth. Sirius grimaced slightly.

“Unfortunately for me, you did.” Your face burned with embarrassment and you wanted the floor of the Great Hall to swallow you whole.

Marlene sauntered up to the table eventually, looking far too good for someone who had been out all night.

“Hello everyone,” she said as she sat, her voice bright and chipper. You attempted to smooth your hair, self-conscious now that the gorgeous girl was sitting next to you. Sirius frowned at your action, now knowing the meaning behind it.

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

You were doing homework in the common room when James and his friends surrounded you on the couch. You looked up at them, noting their suspicious behavior and narrowing your eyes at them.

“What are you guys up to?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. James sat down next to you and threw an arm around your shoulder.

“Well my dear cousin, we need your help with something,” he stated with a sly smile on his face. You crinkled your nose and removed his arm from you.

“Does this something happen to be a prank?” you asked frankly, crossing your arms tightly across your chest. James shrugged.

“Possibly…” he said.

“James, how many times must I tell you that I don’t want to be involved in your practical jokes,” you reminded him. James groaned.

“Come one, (Y/n)! Where’s your sense of adventure?” he asked, exasperated. The memories of Sirius calling you boring bounced around in your mind. You stole a quick glance at him to see him watching you with an unreadable expression.

“Fine,” you agreed, internally hoping that you wouldn’t come to regret your words. You looked back at Sirius to see him frowning.

You and the Marauders walked through the corridors as James explained the plan. Remus, James, and Peter were going to set up fuses in three classrooms that when lit, would cause paint bombs to explode in each room. You and Sirius were to be lookouts. James, Peter, and Remus disappeared into the classrooms while you and Sirius leaned against the wall.

“I didn’t expect you to agree to this,” Sirius said, “I didn’t think you liked this kind of thing.” You shrugged and inspected your nails, picking at the skin around them.

“I’m trying to branch out. Trying not to be so boring,” you answered. Sirius furrowed his eyebrows.

“You’re not boring,” he said in an oddly defensive manner. You widened your eyes.

“You literally tell me I’m boring all the time,” you replied. Sirius leaned his head back against the wall.

“I’m just joking when I say that. You’re not boring, just responsible,” he said with a frown. You turned your head away and peered down the hallway.

“Can I ask you something?” Sirius asked, turning his body fully towards you.

“Yeah, of course,” you replied.

“Lily told me that the guy at the party tried to kiss you and that’s why you ran away. How come you didn’t kiss him? You looked pretty into him when you two were dancing,” he asked, barely meeting your eyes. You flushed deeply.

“I- uh,” you stuttered, “I’ve never kissed anyone before and I didn’t want to do it for the first time when I was drunk and with someone I don’t even know,” you revealed shyly. Sirius cocked his head.

“What do you mean you’ve never kissed anyone?” he asked.

“I mean that. No one has ever kissed me,” you repeated, shaking your head slightly.

“What? How come?” Sirius asked. You shrugged.

“No one’s ever wanted to I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity. No one’s ever liked me like that.”

“That’s bullshit,” he exclaimed.

“What?”

“Plenty of guys like you like that!”

“What?” you sputtered.

“Well that guy last night for one,” he explained.

“Oh he doesn’t count!” you cried out, “He was drunk and it was a party!”

“Ok then, that Ravenclaw from transfiguration, Parker Johnson, Carter Mason had the biggest crush on you in fourth year,” he said, repeatedly listing names. You threw up your hands.

“What! That’s so not true!” you said with a laugh. Sirius smiled widely at you.

“Yes, it is! You have guys falling all over you and you don’t even notice.”

“I’m sorry but I don’t believe you. Why have none of them ever said anything? And I feel like I would have noticed if that many people liked me-” your rambling was cut off by Sirius’s lips pressing against yours. Your eyes were wide and when you don’t immediately reciprocate he moved back.

“What was that for?” you whispered fervently. Sirius cleared his throat.

“Practice,” he said, “for when one of those blokes has the courage to ask you out.” You gaped at him, unsure of how to react.

“Thank you?” you said, not being able to come up with another response.

“What are friends for?” he asked with a shrug, turning to face away from you. With that one word, Sirius Black effectively shattered your heart. Friends. Whatever shimmer of hope that the chaste kiss had given you faded into oblivion, only to be replaced by the empty feeling of sadness.

The silence between you and Sirius is interrupted when James came barreling down the hall, Remus and Peter not far behind.

“We need to go now!” he shouted, grabbing your hand and pulling you away.

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

“He kissed you?” Lily practically shouted from her bed. You nodded, putting your head in your hands.

“Oh my Godric!” Marlene yelled from next to Lily.

“So are you two like a thing now?” Lily asked, a wide smile across her face.

“No,” you said dejectedly, “He said it was just as friends.” Lily scoffed and shook her head.

“Men are idiots,” she said, rolling over to lay on her back. Marlene nodded in agreement.

“How was it?” Marlene asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

“How was what?”

“This kiss, silly!” she exclaimed. You flushed a deep red.

“I’m not sure I have nothing to compare it to,” you said. Marlene promptly stood up and marched to your bed before planting one on you.

“Marlene!” you sputtered, wiping your mouth with your sleeve. Lily squealed with laughter at your blushing face while Marlene grinned.

“Come on, how does it compare,” she asked again, “And how was mine? I’ve always wanted to know.” You threw a pillow at her.

“I am not answering that,” you grumbled, causing Lily and Marlene to dissolve into another fit of giggles. After a moment, when your sad expression doesn’t change, Marlene sat beside you and gave you a hug.

“I’m sorry he’s being such an arse,” she said softly, “I didn’t realize how much you liked him.” You sniffled.

“Are you mad?” you asked quietly. Marlene frowned.

“Why would I be mad?” she asked.

“You and Sirius kind of have something going on, don’t you?” you said, lifting your head to look at her. Marlene laughed.

“I mean I guess, but there are no feelings involved,” she assured you, “It’s just a bit of fun. And I never would have started it if I knew that you liked him.” You hugged her tightly.

“Thank you Marls,” you said softly, relishing in her warm and comforting touch.

◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇

A week later and you and Sirius hadn’t talked. It appeared that he was ignoring you. You didn’t enjoy the radio silence as it made you feel even more rejected. So when your trip to Hogsmeade came around, you were surprised to see Sirius standing with your friends. He gave you a tight-lipped smile when you joined the group but didn’t speak a word to you. While the ride to the small village was lively and full of chatter, all you could focus on was Sirius’s silence.

The first stop was Honeydukes. You burrowed your way into the back of the store, searching for candies and trying to escape Sirius’s scorching gaze. You were examining a display of chocolates when you felt a presence appear beside you. You looked up to Sirius next to you.

“Thought you might like this,” he mumbled, holding out a chocolate frog like an olive branch. You smiled slightly at the gesture.

“No thank you,” you mumbled, feeling guilty.

“Oh. Sorry then,” he said, beginning to scoot away.

“Wait!” you cried out too loudly, causing Sirius to stop in his tracks. “Thank you, it was a nice thought. I just don’t like chocolate frogs,” you said shyly. Sirius frowned.

“But I thought that you loved chocolate. You’re always stealing from Remus’s stash,” he said. You blushed at the thought of him remembering such a small detail.

“I like chocolate,” you explained, “Just not chocolate frogs.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Sirius said with a chuckle, leaning against a shelf.

“I have a reason,” you exclaimed, “It’s just kind of stupid.”

“Let’s hear it then,” he said, crossing his arms with a smirk.

“Don’t laugh,” you warned him, “I don’t like eating chocolate frogs because I feel like I’m killing them.” Sirius began to laugh.

“You know they’re not actually alive right?” he said in between wheezes.

“You said you wouldn’t laugh!” you whined.

“I’m sorry,” he said, still chuckling.

“When they’re wiggling all around it just makes them seem too alive,” you said with a shudder.

“You’re so weird,” he said. Despite the affection clearly evident in his eyes, you frowned at the comment. “Not in a bad way,” he corrected. He cocked his head. “In an adorable way.” You ducked your head and laughed.

“Oh hush,” you said, playfully slapping his shoulder. You go up to the front to pay for your sweets, Sirius right behind you. You look around the store only to discover that your friends are nowhere to be seen.

“Where’d everybody go?” you asked Sirius. He frowned.

“It appears that we have been ditched.”

You pushed open the door, heading out into the cold to find your friends. You shivered involuntarily at the chilly weather, a thin layer of snow gracing the ground. You had borrowed Marlene’s clothing for the trip to Hogsmeade, hoping to elicit some sort of reaction from Sirius. But now you slightly regretted that decision because her clothes were far thinner than yours and you were freezing.

“Here,” Sirius said as he draped his coat over your shoulders. You smiled and looked away.

“Thank you,” you said softly.

“What are you wearing,” he asked, “You know you get cold.” You shrugged, tugging at the thin sweater.

“It’s Marlene’s,” you explained. Sirius scrunched up his nose.

“Why are you wearing her clothes? What’s wrong with your clothes?” he asked almost accusatory.

“Nothing is wrong with my clothes, I just wanted to try something new. I like how Marlene dresses,” you said.

“Do you want to try something different or do you think you need to be like Marlene?” he asked bluntly, crossing his arms. You stopped in your tracks and spun around to face him.

“Why are you acting like this?” you asked irritatedly.

“Answer the question,” he said raising his eyebrows. You scoffed.

“What are you even going on about?” you asked, avoiding his gaze. He had somehow pinpointed the exact reason that you were wearing Marlene’s clothing and you hated it. Sirius sighed and kicked some snow with his toe.

“At the party, when you were drunk, you said some things,” he revealed quietly. You felt your stomach drop.

“What did I say?” you whispered. Sirius furrowed his eyebrows.

“You said all these horrible things about yourself, saying that you wished you were like Marlene or Lily,” he answered. You sucked in a breath.

“I’m sorry you had to hear that,” you mumbled, embarrassment burning in your chest. Sirius took a step closer to you.

“Don’t be sorry. I just didn’t know you felt like that. I’m worried about you, that’s all,” he said. You sighed quietly.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” you said, hoping to end the discussion there.

“Yes I do, (Y/n),” he said, “because I can see you trying to change all of these things about yourself and you shouldn’t be. You’re not boring and the way you always dress is perfect. You don’t need to change unless you want to for the right reasons. These are not the right reasons.” You sniffled, your eyes burning.

“Sirius I’m fine, I swear,” you said under your breath. Sirius ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

“Yes, you are fine. Fine the way you are. So stop trying to change. You’re already perfect,” he said, practically pleading with you. You scoffed.

“You’re just saying this to make me feel better,” you replied. Sirius grabbed your hands.

“I’m not, I promise. You are the most extraordinary and beautiful person I know. Don’t change for anybody but yourself,” he whispered, his hot breath fanning across your face.

“Sirius…” you breathed.

“I wish I could get you to see yourself how I see you,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. You search his face, his eyes filled with sincerity. After a short moment of contemplation, you stood on your tiptoes and ghosted a kiss against his lips. Sirius immediately reciprocated, placing a hand tenderly on your waist. The kiss was miles better than your last, his lips sweet and warm and your hands tangled in his hair. When he pulled away, a gentle smile adorning his features, he pressed his forehead against yours.

“I like you, (Y/n),” he said, “The real you. The you who sits in the library on Saturdays and doesn’t know shit about quidditch and who is afraid of eating chocolate frogs. That’s the you that I want.” His eyes held just as much emotion as his words, making tears prick at the back of your eyes.

“I can be that,” you whispered. He pressed a kiss to your hairline.

“I hope someday you can love that version of you as much as I do.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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add yourself here

#Sirius Black #sirius black x reader #sirius black x you #sirius black x y/n #young!sirius black #young!sirius black x reader #marauders era #marauders fic #young marauders #marauders fanfiction #hp marauders #Harry Potter #harry potter fanfiction #Harry Potter fic #harry potter imagine #sirius black fic #sirius black fluff #sirius black angst

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jwritesandrambles · 3 years

Text

“Supposed to Be”

Hi there! Yeah I still barely use tumblr but hey lookit I did the wrote thing down!!!!

I would like to give a bit thank you to @schweeeppess and @dragonsworn05 for editing my messy dyslexic rambles. @noroomforcream and @just-a-little-in-over-my-head did some really cool art for this!

(if I missed tagging someone, it’s not personal I appreciate you so much, I’m just posting in a rush mwauh)

Jason was back in Gotham. For the second time since he died, actually.

The last time hadn’t gone well. Technically, it had gone according to plan--for the most part--but Jason was still shambling together the broken pieces of his mind. Back then in December, all that was left of Jason were the shards of hurt and anger. He had been living for nothing but the idea of someone else’s death. Coming back to the real world, away from the sheltered and hidden places of the League of Shadows and the All-Caste, seemed to bring a bit of him back. Seeing Bruce, talking to him…everything that went down, and the reminder that he cared about him--loved him, even--it woke something up in Jason. Something that he thought had died along with him and never came back.

He had spent a year by himself, taking any mercenary jobs he could get, trying to find something other than the all consuming anger that had fuelled him for the past few years, but his travels didn’t matter now, as he stood in a back alley of Gotham, the protective red helmet tucked under his arm. He wished his replacement, Tim Drake, hadn’t chosen this particular alley to meet up in.

The balcony and rickety old fire escape were unforgettable to Jason. It was where he had met the Bat, after trying to jack the tires off one of those many damn expensive cars that Bruce had. Not only where it began, but where he once thought it would end. It was only a year ago he had stood, gun trained on Bruce, the man he had, for a time, called father. His voice shook and tears rolled down his cheeks, “it would be so easy to kill you.”

Jason was ripped from his reminiscing as a soft thud signaled that Red Robin had landed behind him. Jason flinched more than he’d like to admit, but fought the urge to draw his weapon. Quick reflexes was a nice way of saying jumpy.

“Hood,” The teen greeted.

“Replacement,” Jason said with a nod, echoing Tim’s tone back at him, relaxing.

“Weren’t you a replacement too?” Tim pointed out, seeming to take no offence.

Jason shrugged, “True. I’m not denying it. Just as long as you know that’s probably what B expects. Another Grayson,” he mumbled.

Sure, he was less angry than before, but that didn’t mean Jason wasn’t a bitter son of a bitch.

Tim bit the inside of his lip, an awkward and slightly uncomfortable look on the visible part of his face. It flickered away and was replaced with a more professional, neutral expression as he cleared his throat.

“Yes... well... We’re here for a job so let’s focus. You got all the information B sent you?” He was honestly trying his best, but he was hesitant about this mission. Could anyone blame him? Jason Todd had proven himself to be... volatile. The memories of Jason’s violence were all too fresh in Tim’s mind.

“Yeah, I got it. I read the file over,” he mumbled. He puffed out a weak breath, “Scarecrow set up a chemical mixing shop by the docks, at least one shipment has come in, but we can expect more, right? Anything I missed?” Jason asked, rummaging through his coat pockets.

He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He had been trying to quit, but he didn’t want to be getting distracted with cravings while trying to focus on the mission.

Tim watched him quietly as he lit off, smelling the tobacco from up on his perch.

“Um... yes, that’s all,” the teen dragged his teeth along the edge of his lip. The skin felt slightly raw and sore from his empty minded nibbling.

Jason started walking off down the alley, leaving a slight trail of lingering smoke in damp air. Tim followed.

“So,” Jason pulled the cigarette from his lips, careful not to let his helmet slip from under his arm. He held it between his first and second fingers, “Uh.. Why’d you have us meet here instead of anywhere closer to the docks?” He asked, trying to break the awkwardly growing silence.

“Scarecrow has patrols circulating around the docks. We’re less likely to be spotted if we’re not waiting around there to meet up,” Tim explains with a little shrug.

Jason hummed a brief note of understanding, “Oh yeah, that makes sense. I’m, uh, I haven’t worked with anyone in... years,” Jason paused, taking another drag from the smouldering cigarette, “Y’know, really nothing team oriented since working with B. Even then I was a shitty teammate,” he laughed hollowly.

Tim nodded, thinking about what Jason’d just said. Had it really been that long? Maybe… maybe the fact that Jason was even admitting to being a bad teammate didn’t bode well. It could mean trouble for them later. If it was so obvious that even Jason could admit it, perhaps Tim shouldn’t have done this team-up.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Tim ran to catch up to Jason quickly, “Wait... how old are you?” He asked upon reaching him.

“I’m t- uh... hold on, well... how long was I gone?” He asked Tim in return.

“You were thought to be dead for five years,” Tim told him, in a tone like he was reciting a Wikipedia page written about the formally deceased, wayward Wayne boy. Now that Jason thought of it, he was certain Bruce had a file written up on him now. Bruce had written up for every major criminal in Gotham city.

Jason let out a low whistle and soft huff, “I must be… twenty one now? Weird.”

“So... you didn't know how old you were till now?” Tim raised a brow, causing the mask to shift.

“Yeaahh,” Jason drew the word out sarcastically, pretending to took him deep thought to reconcile. “Somethin’ about the severe head trauma, dying, comin’ back, and being isolated from the normal world for years, all while being a wreck the whole time seems to have made my memory a lil’ fuzzy,” Jason said with a wry, sarcastic smile.

Tim seethed silently, letting out a series of apologetic mumbles, eyes dropping to ground ahead of him- it was a tactless and rude thing to ask, and Tim should’ve known that!

Jason laughed weakly, hand quickly coming up towards him and... ruffled Tim’s hair? The boy hadn’t even had a chance to recoil. He was just confused; that was the last thing he’d expect from Jason.

The man stubbed out his cigarette and lumbered on ahead of Tim, dropping it in the trash, “Don’t worry about it, kid. I was just being a bitch, you’re fine.”

Tim opened and closed his mouth, eyes wide like a deer in headlights. A man who tried to kill him only a year ago had just ruffled his hair?! He decided not to comment on it, because-- after all--what the hell could he even say?

Tim cleared his throat again, “We should get into position, we’re almost there. Maybe get your, uh, helmet-thingy on?” He suggested.

Jason glanced at the helmet- he’d almost forgotten he had it tucked under his arm.

“Yeah, of course,” Jason said, lifting his helmet and plunking it on his head, “good reminder, Timbers.” His voice became modulated the second the helmet covered his head. His low, gravely, smokers growl of a voice, was nowhere near and deep and gravely as Bruce’s--but sounded like it took a step closer with every box of cigarettes--became a pitch lower still. An odd robotic twang edged his words, giving him a metallic, cyber sound.

Tim adjusted his own mask, making sure it was firmly in place before nodding to Jason. The two silently started up again, approaching a warehouse that was supposed to be locked until the next morning’s shipment. “Supposed to be” being the operative words. Instead, there was muted huffing and shuffling as two of Scarecrow’s workers uncomfortably hauled a large crate into the building.

Both Jason and Tim seemed to shrink into the shadows at the same instant; each becoming one with the wall. Jason drew his weapon quietly, earning a disapproving frown from Tim. “I’m not gonna kill them. Chill,” Jason whispered in that odd robotic voice.

Tim seemed satisfied enough to quit pouting at Jason. They crept closer, making little dashes between hiding spots when the coast was clear.

Jason let out a breath of curse as his eyes fell about the giant, glass, canister. It was filled with a bubbling, sickly, arsenic green substance.

“No way, that shit is all fear toxin? Fuck! He’s got enough to blast the entire downtown!” His voice came through in a synthesized hiss.

“Worse.” Tim whispered, spying the large pressurizer on top of the glass container. “That’s just the liquid form. When he releases it, it’ll be gaseous. If it’s released from the container from a high vantage point, a small breeze could cover the entire city in minutes.”

The severity of the situation washed over what little of Tim’s features were visible from beneath the mask.

This wasn’t just a quick little in and out operation anymore. One wrong move and there could have a small, yet very messy, catastrophic outcome.

Tim had to plan this carefully, because there was no way they could afford to mess this up.

He turned to Jason...or, rather, where Jason had just been seconds before.

Jason had evidently had a similar train of thought to Tim’s. He’d realized this was a serious situation, though, instead of drawing the conclusion to re-evaluate, re-plan, and carry on with caution, or something sensible-- he seemingly forgot any sense of subtlety he had. Oh, God forbid carefully thinking his actions out, like any sane rational person would do. Or calling for backup, like anyone with a vague semblance of self-preservation. No no, instead, Jason had decided it was best to act now and not waste a second with plans or any ideas of safety. He jumped into action.

Jason was already leaping over the crate the two vigilantes had been hiding behind seconds ago, as Tim let out a quiet imploring hiss of “Wait--oh no-”“ but it was too late.

Jason already had his gun drawn.

“Scarecrow!” he yelled, “this ends now!” He fired at the box the two workers were carrying, sending it out of their hands and clattering to the floor. A series of shattering followed the initial crash as the contents shattered. Whatever chemicals that had been inside hissed loudly, a faint smoke rising from between the boards of the wooden box.

“Hood!?” The Scarecrow rounded to face who he knew as the ex-criminal, ‘The Red Hood.’

“In the flesh.” Jason kept his gun trained on Scarecrow, while a third worker who had been off to the side started to shuffle his way towards him.

“Thought you moved your little operation away from Gotham when the Bats got the better of you,” Scarecrow commented, not seeming pleased about the interruption at all.

Scarecrow’s worker lunged at Jason. Tim kicked himself mentally and left hiding, kicking the worker --physically, not mentally this time-- back away from Jason. The third worker scuttled back, apparently deciding this altercation was above his pay grade.

Jason felt something he hadn’t really felt in a long time; it was a feeling akin to camaraderie. He had someone watching his back for once. If the circumstances hadn’t been so dire, he might have even cracked a smile. Or, rather, he might have felt a slight tug at the corner of his lips, at least.

“Well, yeah, the bats did get the best of me. Now I’m tryna give them my best. And that involves bootin’ your sorry ass out of here.”

“Quick witted, aren’t you?” Scarecrow tensed slightly. His eyes darted away from behind his mask for a moment. He was glancing to the side. Tim followed his gaze over to the-

Shit! The canister! If the bullet missed Scarecrow it would-

Tim knew what scarecrow was thinking, but it was too late.

“NO!” Tim shouted, helplessly watching as Scarecrow dove.

As expected, Jason pulled the trigger reflexively, but the Scarecrow had already ducked. The bullet made a resounding bang as it fired, hitting the large gas canister.

Tim seized up, every nerve buzzing, every muscle tensed, every fibre of his being filled with an awful sinking sensation. The room was deadly-still. It was like something written by the hand of a fool-hardy novelist, who was paid far too much for over-the-top paperbacks; The bullet had embedded itself in the glass, acting like a stopper. A sickening series of cracks emanated from the canisters, as a thin spidery web formed across the glass. All tendrils originating from where the bullet hit.

Jason let out a low whistle, “Well. That coulda been disastrous.”

Tim couldn’t help but feel relieved, a stressed laugh escaping his lips.

Scarecrow was scampering away, his workers already having pulled a quick disappearing act themselves, because, this wasn’t what he’d planned.

“Don’t even think about it, Crane,” Jason said as he turned, taking a heavy step.

Said heavy step was apparently too much. The glass gave a shuttering groan, followed by a small hiss as gas began to leak.

Tim made an involuntary distressed sound. Something akin to an exhausted sigh mixed with a whimper.

The one word that ever so eloquently graced Jason’s lips was, “Fuck.”

And the canister...

Burst.

The pressure placed on the glass had built up and could no longer hold.

Jason’s final step had been the breaking point, the spider work of cracks along the glass giving way with a great shatter.

Shards of the canister flung themselves across the room. The liquid that had been held within instantly began vaporizing into a thick, sickening gas. To anyone that had the misfortune of inhaling it, it felt as though the gas was trying --with every atom of its existence-- to choke the life out of its victim. It reached into their lungs, clawed at their insides, grabbing at their desperately beating hearts, and squeezed. It forced their brain to fill their body with adrenaline and hallucinogens. Tim knew this.

He’d studied the Scarecrow’s fear toxin many times. He’d been exposed to it before, too. Tim knew this fear and knew he was helpless to do anything about it.

Tim was helpless to stop this. He had failed. He’d failed Bruce. He’d failed this mission. Because he was weak. He was weak, helpless, hopeless, a failure, a burden, unwanted. He was nothing more than a replaceable replacement. No one would care if he was gone, God, it’s not like anyone would ever notice! He was a forgettable nothing. Tim coughed and wheezed. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe!

Tim staggered. He tripped over his feet trying to get away from the intense fear that gripped his throat. Tim realized something physical was gripping his neck. The thing dragged him back roughly, towards what he could only assume was something horrid. Tim clawed at the thing gripping his throat. As he gasped for shuddering breath, he couldn’t help but begin to sob. He was going to die. He would die and no one would care. No one would even try to find him when he didn’t come home, they wouldn’t even notice because he was worthless, replaceable, weak, failure, helpless!

A new level of fear washed over Tim as he felt something cover his face, it encased his head. Tim could feel it squeeze his skull, he swore the pressure felt tight enough to crush his cranium like a tin can. It was claustrophobic. He felt his own shallow breath bounce back against his lips, because it had nowhere else to go. He was trapped and suffocating.

He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t BREATHE! OH--oh, oh no... no? Wait a moment... he COULD breathe.

Tim took a moment to try to get his bearings. He needed to remember how his lungs worked. He awkwardly sucked in a breath of filtered, recycled air. It tasted tinny on his tongue. Tim blinked the tears from his eyes. They rolled down his cheeks, and he became aware of the taste of salt too. There was the faint scent of stale tobacco and smoke. His mind was reeling as he processed each detail. He dragged tongue over his lips nervously, and began to chew at his bottom lip. Tim’s heart was still pounding and his hands were shaking. He raised his hands to feel his head, glancing at his twitching fingers as they passed in front of his face, confusedly. Everything had a red tinge to it. He pressed his hands to his head, feeling a hard smooth surface.

Tim’s brain felt slow and groggy, taking a moment to clue into what was on his head. Was it Jason’s helmet? Yes, yes it was Jason’s helmet, that was certain, but where was Jason?

The thick gas still hung in a green fog, but the helmet seemed to be filtering the worst of it out. Tim swept his arm though the air, watching the gas clear slightly, before swooping in to fill the gaps. Tim knew he needed to thin this stuff out if he wanted to have any hope in finding Jason before tripping over him. He rushed through the room, feeling his way over to the door. Scarecrow’s men had closed it, containing them --and more importantly the gas-- inside. Small mercy the fear toxin wasn’t being released on the city though.

Tim dragged his fingers along the wall. His senses were so heightened that it was almost overstimulating. It was likely due to the toxin, Tim guessed. He could still feel the rough brick as he scraped along, even through the tips of his gloves. It was oddly reassuring. A steady constant he could focus on until -thunk- His hand bumped into a smooth metallic protrusion from the wall. Exactly what Tim had been looking for.

“Bingo.”

Tim swept his other arm through the air again, doing his best to fan the gass away for him to get a bit of a better view of what he was hoping to see. A metal switch box, old and slightly rusted around the edges. Tim had been counting on any wearhouse by the docks having a ventilation system to keep the products safe from humidity. Of course, he was right. With some difficulty, Tim wrenched the switch box open. After straining to read faded, dusty labels through the gas in the air, he flipped what he hoped was the right switch.

There was a small whine of aching metal that hadn’t moved in a long time and Tim cracked into a grin underneath the helmet.

He’d done it!

The fans kicked into a regular pace. The smooth ‘whoomp whoomp whoomp’ of turning blades filled Tim with a sense of muted triumph. The foggy haze of fear gas began to thin as the building began to filter it out, mixing it with the humid air. Tim figured it would be condensed and drip out to puddle with the dirty water in the alley behind the warehouse. If Tim was right, which he usually was, it wouldn’t harm anyone unless they decided to drink from the puddle water. Which was unlikely, but not impossible. It was Gotham after all.

Tim looked around the room as the gas dissipated. His gaze found its way to a shaking heap on the floor next to the shattered remains of the canister he had been standing before. The proud grin faded from Tim’s lips.

That... that wasn’t a good sign at all.

“Hey, um, hood? Red hood, status?” He asked, the words felt strange as they left his mouth. Hearing his own modulated voice echo slightly in the room felt vaguely surreal.

The heap of muscle and leather known as Jason didn’t reply.

Seeing Jason’s twitching body on the floor emptied a hollow pit in Tim’s stomach. Jason had never seemed like he was even capable of fear. Capable of rage, capable of hurt, and capable of pain, sure, but fear seemed like something Tim would’ve assumed Jason was beyond. Something so... innate, that the unnatural nature of Jason’s second life would’ve swept it away.

Tim made his way over, hesitantly rolling the helmet forward off his head. The fear toxin seemed to be thin enough now that it wasn’t harming him.

“Ja-er, Jason?” Tim’s soft voice seemed thunderously loud in the quiet room. The only other sounds around were the fans quietly whirring away and, far more disturbingly in his opinion, the even quieter shaking breaths and distressed whimpering tumbling from Jason’s lips.

Jason was not in good shape. He was shaking violently, hands over his head. His whimpers were punctuated by violent spasms that racked his body every few seconds, accompanied with a louder more pronounced cry.

Tim felt the colour drain from his face. He quickly kneeled down, setting the helmet on the concrete floor next to them both with a slight clink. Tim grabbed Jason’s arm, trying to turn him on to his back. Jason heftily flailed the arm Tim pulled, unintentionally hitting Tim in the face. Tim yelped in surprise as a sharp pain sprung from his nose, warm liquid leaking down his face. The blood pouring down his face didn’t deter Tim much, the blood coursing through him seeming to do the opposite for pain as it did the rest of his senses. The pain was slightly numbed--or, rather, it had become easy to ignore. He fought to wrangle both of Jason’s arms, quickly scrambling to sit on Jason’s torso, struggling to pin Jason’s arms down with his legs.

Tim took off his mask. He knew it was against protocol, but an un-obscured face was easier to recognize when the toxin took hold, in Tim’s experience.

“Jason? Jason, look at me. Can you hear me?” he asked quickly, holding on to Jason’s shoulders. He desperately hoped Jason wouldn’t throw him off. Jason’s eyes were unfocused, spinning around wildly all over the room.

Tim tried to process Jason’s words, “No, not again, ple--I can’t I--it hurts! Fuck! It hurts,” Jason’s words became incomprehensible for a moment, then his fists clenched tightly. “I don’t want to die! Not again. Not again not again not again! He’s gotta come save me, take me home, he’s gotta! Shit, not again!“ he choked and broke off with a shout and another full body jerk.

Tim was jostled but didn’t fall off, by some miracle. “Jason!” he tried. “Listen to me!” Tim put his hands on either of Jason’s face. Jason flinched away from Tim’s touch with a sob of “It hurts, it hurts, I can hear all my bones snapping, I’m dying, it’s crushing me, I can’t--I can’t--”

“I know,” Tim cut him off gently, “I know it hurts and--and you’re scared, but you’re not alone, I’m right here. I’m going to help you,” Tim tried to catch Jason’s focus.

Jason’s roaming eyes stopped dodging around the room, and turned towards Tim. He kept looking from Tim’s shoulders, Tim’s chest, back up to his face and then to his eyes and back to his chest again. Perhaps not the ideal image of calming down but it was a first step.

“Good,” Tim praised softly in relief. He ran his thumbs over Jason’s cheeks gently. Now more so than ever did Tim take notice of the scars on either side of Jason’s face. On Jason’s left cheek, there was a jagged line that traced from his cheek bone down to his jaw. A similar yet smaller one was mirrored on Jason’s right. Tim could understand why Jason flinched from him. He shook the thought from his mind, “See? We’re okay. Just try to breathe, in and out. You can do that, right, Jason?”

“No! No! I c-can’t, I’m crushed, I can’t. My--my lungs, they’re all full of blood, and mud, and dirt, and fuckin’ I dunno what!” Another violent thrash went through Jason’s body, almost toppling Tim off this time. “I can’t breathe, it hurts! I want it to stop hurting! How do I make it stop!?”

“Uah--yeah, I know it hurts, but I promise nothing is crushing you. It’s just me, I’m light, and I’m here and I--I know it hurts I’m going to try to make it stop but I need to--” Jason thrashed, but Tim didn’t relinquish his hold on him, “--but I NEED you to stay still!”

Jason’s eyes finally locked on to Tim’s, “M-make it s-stop?” he echoed back to the smaller vigilante.

“Yeah, yeah I’m going to try to make it stop.” Tim slowly pulled his hands away from Jason, sitting back slightly, starting to fish through the many pockets and pouches attached to the strap around his waist.

He almost always had the antidote on hand. Bruce had trained him and prepared him meticulously, making certain that Tim would be ready with everything they had at all costs. The only issue was it was enough antidote for him; almost seventeen, about a head shorter and ninety pounds lighter--nowhere near enough antitoxin for the two hundred and forty pounds of murder that was the shaking mass of Jason Todd slumped before him.

Jason dropped his head back against the concrete floor, beginning to mutter once again.

“My fault. All my fault. I can’t--all dead.”

“No one is dead, Jason, everyone is okay,” Tim said, soon after feeling a small surge of triumph as he located his field fear toxin antidote kit. He opened it, quickly pulling out a small vial, and a syringe.

Jason’s eyes snapped to the syringe in Tim’s hand as he filled with antidote. Jason grew quiet for a second before starting to try to fight Tim off of him, “No, no no no no no no! Don’t go! don’t go! Not again, I can’t be alone, can’t be asleep he’s gonna kill us. Dad said he’ll get rid’f his mistakes!”

Tim knew Bruce wouldn’t have ever threatened Jason like that. He could only assume Jason meant his biological father.

“Said he would--don’t, don’t! It’s crushing me I can’t be alone!” Jason couldn’t keep hold of his own fears. They ran together, all mixed in to become some dread filled nightmare he couldn’t wake up from.

Tim was lucky Jason was so sloppy in this state. If he’d had a bit more of his wits about him, Tim figured Jason would’ve easily shaken him off already.

“You aren’t alone!” Tim reminded Jason, struggling to inject Jason without hurting him. “This is going to make it stop, I promise!” Well, that wasn’t fully true. But the dose would reduce it.

When Jason wouldn’t hold still enough for him to properly gauge where the vein he needed was, Tim unceremoniously jabbed at where he hoped it was instead.

Jason shouted, thrashing around like a heavy shark in a net being lifted out of water.

Tim pulled the empty syringe away quickly, letting Jason throw him off. He stumbled and crashed back down, landing on the concrete floor a few feet away. Tim only now realized how heavy his breath was as he watched Jason writhe freely on the floor before him. As Tim caught his breath, Jason’s movements gradually began to slow. The mutterings of fear faded into soft whimpers, then into deep breaths like Tim’s. Tim bit at his lip again. “Jason?” he asked, leaning forward slightly.

Jason groaned in response. He took a moment to collect himself as he grew conscious of reality again. Really, reality was a shit hole too, but it was a better shit hole. He shifted slightly, cussing under his breath.

Tim felt an invisible weight lift from his shoulders; swearing like a sailor was promising in Jason’s case.

He quickly scooted across the floor to him.

“Hey,” Tim said in a hushed voice. “Jason? How you feeling?”

Jason--with what felt like the struggle of Sisyphus rolling his boulder for the millionth time--rolled over to face him. The white shock of hair stuck to Jason’s forehead with panic induced sweat. He puffed out a lungful of air in a feeble attempt to blow the hair from his face. Jason swiftly gave up on that and swallowed heavily.

“I-I... yeah, yeah, I uh... I--okay. I’m feeling okay,” Jason rambled, looking dazed. He took up scanning the room again, hyper-vigilant to any danger.

Tim nodded slowly. He grabbed a water bottle that was shoved in one of his many pouches. He helped Jason sit up, just enough so he could sip at the water, and forced the bottle into Jason’s hands.

“Drink,” Tim ordered, quietly.

Jason’s hands still shook lightly, causing him to fumble with the cap in his hands.

Now that the danger had passed, Tim finally had time to process what had happened; he often found himself acting and only having time to absorb the details afterwards. Details like that Jason had traded his safety and immunity for Tim’s.

Why did Jason do that?

“Not... that I’m ungrateful,” Tim began hesitantly, “but that was a stupid thing to do, just… now- today,” he stumbled out awkwardly.

“I know,” gasped Jason after a long chug of water, a weak smile on his lips.

“I mean--it’s like in those before flight messages on planes. Put your mask on before the baby’s or whatever,” Tim joked slightly. Tim’s nose wrinkled slightly, cringing just the tiniest bit as he realized he implied he was the baby in this situation, “Well, you know what I’m getting at…”

Jason seemed to only take even more amusement out of the teen’s regret. Tim never thought he’d see the day where he felt tension draining at the sigh of Jason Todd, a man that tried to kill him and about eighty other people, smiling.

Jason laughed weakly, though it came out a little haltingly, as the shivering shakes hadn’t yet subsided. “Yeah, well, I d-did have my mask on. I just... gave it to the k-kid before the plane went down,” he mused. He didn’t really believe in his own point, and shook his head.

“No, no you’re right. It was stupid and I know that.”

They fell into a slightly awkward silence for a second, the burning question still gnawing at Tim’s mind.

“Why?” Tim said, abruptly. “Er, why did you do that? If you knew it was stupid?”

Jason didn’t answer for a long moment. Instead stalling by taking another swig of water. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand before answering.

“I don’t know,” Jason admitted, with a little smile.

Jason was breathing heavily, but seemed more focused, “I didn’t... really think. Maybe I was just makin’ up for other stuff I f-fucked up or... dunno. I guess I j-just... I knew if one of us was gonna be safe, it had to be y-ou.”

Jason swore he could practically see the little loading sign twirl in Tim’s nerd-brain as the teen processed what he’d said. The mental loading bar filled, and Jason’s words seemed to click. Tim’s eyes dropped away, and he smiled a little shyly. Not an awkward or uncomfortable smile. Just complimented.

“Thanks,” Tim’s voice was just above a whisper, “ that was... really nice of you.”

“It’s okay, don’t men-ention it. Like literally ever. It’ll ruin my rep,” Jason cracked a teasing smirk once again and Tim got to his feet laughing lightly.

“Annnnddd he’s back to normal,” Tim chuckled and offered Jason a hand. Tim yanked him, not without obvious difficulty, up to stand tall. Jason leaned on him for a moment before straightening, keeping a hand on Tim’s shoulder to steady himself. Tim quickly bent down and scooped up their masks from the floor where he’d set them down.

“Let’s get you home,” Tim hummed, putting Jason’s arm around his shoulders again when he stood.

“Hey, I’m fin-ne, you don’t have to take me back,” Jason argued, but Tim was already starting to lead him away.

“Too bad, I decided I am.”

“Rep-placement Robin number whatever you are--I am fine!”

“Sure you are, that’s why you can’t stand up right by yourself?”

“Shut up!”

“I speak only truth.”

The two bickered all the way back through away from the docks. All the way back through the city. All the way until they reached Jason’s apartment complex. Then they bickered some more. Though neither knew it yet, what had begun forming was the beginning of a close bond. One that nothing would be able to break.

#batman #robin #jason todd #redhood #red hood #Tim Drake #red robin #batfam big bang 2021 #Just for Fun #idk how tumblr works

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spencergourdgourdler · 3 years

Text

sleepovers (chapter 1) (Spencer Reid x Reader)

Summary: Spencer and profiler!reader seem to be sleeping over at each others places a lot.

Next Chapter

cw: alcohol?? and none other than that

A/N: This is my first fic ever and I am nervous!! This will be a multiple part series and you will have it all: fluff, smut, and a lil angst. Hope you enjoy and please let me know if i need to add anything to the cw list!

word count: 2k :)

“Here you go, a glass of water for you and a glass of wine for me.” you said as you place his Lego Movie glass down on his desk. Spencer didn’t raise his eyes from the case file he has been reading but didn’t hold back on his comments.

“You really should drink more water Y/N,” which you replied, faking an offended voice. “Hey, I drink enough water, okay?”

“Funny you say that, because I actually have been keeping track of your water intake. You drank 1.26 litres of water today and with your daily intake of 2 cups of coffee, several cups of tea and well, alcohol I can guarantee you that isn’t enough.” Spencer said as he smirked proudly.

You rolled your eyes at his smug face. “How- ugh fine Spencer, I will drink more water,” you admitted . “After I drink this glass of wine.” It was your turn to smile now.

He furrowed his eyebrows and turned to the case file he was studying while you finally got to relax and turn to your book on his nice sofa.

You have been doing this with him a lot. Hang out. Casually. In silence. You guys would come back from a case, you would carpool to yours or his place and then watch a movie, have dinner (or breakfast, depending on what time you guys land in D.C) or this. You would relax together, enjoying each other's company silently.

It started after a very hard case, not long before you started and the resident genius offered to take you home because he assessed that you would probably break down, said something along the lines of how dangerous it is to drive while crying. He wasn’t the best or the most experienced driver out there but he wanted to make sure you got home safely.

You were very shaken up that day, not having seen a brutal murder-suicide happen before your eyes in your life, so you took up his offer and followed after him to the parking lot. Both of you walked quietly to your car and when you got to it you just stood there.Not moving a muscle, just out of it. Spencer was sure he made the right choice to offer his help. Spencer slowly raised his hand and touched your arm slowly. “Y/N, the keys.” You were so zoned out that you flinched when he touched you.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry Y/N, it’s just me. Can you hand me the keys?” said Spencer with the softest voice he can make. “Oh, sorry,” You said with a dead tone then started scrambling through your bag. You couldnt find them. You were sure you were hearing the jingling sound they made as they rolled around your bag but you couldn't get your hands on them for the life of you. That’s when you started crying.

Spencer wasn’t the best when the case was touching people but he had to get you out of that parking lot and get you to the safety of your home. He shook his hands to remind himself that you were a clean person and he could touch you, then reached for your handbag. He slowly took it out of your hands and put it on the hood of your car.

“Spen-- Spencer- I’m- I’m really,” you tried to apologise in between you sobs.

“Y/N, shh, I’m right here and you have nothing to be sorry about,” That’s when he wrapped his arms around you and you started sobbing on his very nice sweater vest. He had put one hand on your back that he rubbed softly and one on your head that pushed into his chest like he was trying to get you to hide in there. He didn’t even realise how naturally affectionate he was, but you did.

The waterfalls that are your eyes were still running but you calmed down a little and the embarrassment of getting your mucus,ugh, on your very new colleague was starting to dawn on you.

“Spencer, I’m fine, let’s just go home, okay?” You managed to muster out while you squeezed yourself out of his embrace and tried to hide your face from him. You reached for your bag and once again out your hands into it looking for your keys. There they were, stuck underneath some papers that you threw in your bag.

Spencer stood there, doubting himself. Did he cross the line? Was hugging you unprofessional? Did he make you uncomfortable? He had once read a research about hugs calming down the sympathetic nervous system under distress so he tried to help you calm down a little. It wasn’t his intent to make you uncomfortable. Oh god, he thought to himself, now Y/N thinks I’m weird too.

He was pulled out of his little freak out by Y/N handing him the keys. He pushed his lips together in a really awkward smile and started stepping towards the driver’s side.

The drive was pretty weird. He drove too carefully and there was his colleague silently crying in the next seat to him. His mind was still swarming with the ideas of him doubting his choice of hugging Y/N, her quiet voice took him out of it. “Spencer, I can’t thank you enough. You really helped and I know I’m not very good with words but I really do appreciate this.”

Spencer was shocked. He wasn’t expecting this. He wasn't expecting a talk at all. So he stammered trying to answer her. “Uh, yeah- yeah, sure,”

While his conscious mind was going between doubting himself and oh shit, she’s crying, what do i do, his subconscious mind had led him to his house. He realized it when he was at the last traffic lights before home.

“Y/N, I’m afraid I drove all the way to my house,”

She raised her head from her hands on her knees slowly and looked around her, clueless. Spencer was quick to apologise. “I’ll turn around at the next U-turn and we’ll get to your place. What's your address?”

You didn’t want to bother him driving all this way and back, also you were starving and sleepy. “Spencer, if you don’t mind, can we go up to your place? I don’t really wanna bother you with driving all the way to mine, also I am so tired and I assume you are too?”

Y/N kept surprising Spencer tonight. “Yeah, yeah that’s fine- Yeah, we can order takeout too, yeah, yes.” She almost giggled at his nervousness.

He pulled up to the parking spot of his apartment complex and you two silently walked up the stairs to his apartment. He welcomed you in, “So, this is my place, ugh so sorry this is very messy,”

Spencer was very skittish about touching people and letting people into his place. He did both of them with you that night and he was weirdly okay with it.

“It’s perfectly fine Reid, hell, looks a lot neater than mine honestly.” You smiled while you awkwardly stood in the entrance. Spencer had already taken his coat off and was walking into the depths of his house. He kinda yelled from across the house, “Please come in Y/N, I will be there in just a second to take your coat. What do you wanna eat? I know this Indian place that makes great chicken tendoori that delivers.” His voice was getting closer and closer while he got back to his living room.

“Spencer, I am a vegetarian.” you said while he took your coat and hung it over a chair.

“Oh, sorry, I somehow didn’t know, but they should have vegetarian items on the menu, let me go find it for you. Do you want a drink? I have water, coffee, all kinds of tea you can ask for annnd,” He was scrambling through his kitchen cabinets now. “Wine, yeah, what can i get you?”

“Wine would be nice,” you kind of yelled from the living room. You did not want to yell but you also didn't want to follow him around or go looking for him, invading his place.

He came after a few minutes, a glass of water and a menu, you assumed, in one hand and your glass of wine in the other.

“Here you go, a glass of water for me and a glass of wine for you, are you sure you don’t want a glass of water?” He put the classes on the coffee table and handed you the menu. “While I’m not completely sold on the idea of you drinking before dinner, what do you wanna get Y/N? I can also call the pizza place that’s close and we can get all the toppings you’d like.” When you thought he stopped talking and opened your mouth, he started to ramble again. “I’m sorry I know I said we could get all the toppings you wanted but I have issues with grouped foods and can we maybe stick to the basics and get a mushroom pizza?” He was embarrassed but you smiled so widely that his embarrassment washed away and his chest filled with relief.

“Yeah, Reid, I’d like that.”

Thus began your sleepovers. That night he had given you a spare toothbrush, some of his clothes, clean towels for your shower in the morning, and his bed. Genius took the couch that night, “That’s the least I can do,” he said, even after all he had done for you. You would much rather have him beside you but you would never admit to that and he would never agree to it anyways.

Second time you two had a sleepover, it was Reid who was struggling and you offered your sweet but lonely home to him. This kept going on between you two, there were rarely nights where you slept at your place alone.

Spencer called you from his grocery store run one day, asked you about your shampoo brand. And would you rather use a vanilla or lavender body wash.

You texted him asking about his after-shave and razor brand he uses after he slept over at your place and had to go to work with a scruff. You felt bad for people making fun of him and his “big boy beard”.

Spencer was really glad, while he didn’t have a lot of affectionate relationships like this, he didn’t mind having you around at all. You were really glad, you didn’t go to bed in a lonely house, that you made really good friends with Dr. Spencer Reid.

You finished your wine while flipping pages on your book and your eyelids started to feel heavy. “Spencer, I’m really sleepy,”

He had moved to the end of the couch with you, you were lying down but your legs were barely close to him.

“I’ll be done in just a second and I’ll let u sleep Y/N,”

You were feeling the wine and you felt courageous that night. You carefully got up to your knees and crawled towards him on the sofa. When you got to him you slightly nudged his arm to let you in and he lifted his arm to embrace you. “Oh, hi,” he said. “I thought you were sleepy.” Was there a smile in his voice or were you just hearing things? “Yeah, and I am using my favorite pillow.” Stupid wine talk.

He chuckled slightly to my words. “Okay, let’s go to bed, I was almost done anyways. I can finish it up tomorrow.” Now, you felt bad for interrupting his work. Stupid wine.

“Oh, no, no, nooo! I can wait for you to finish, really, look! My eyes are all open,” You opened your eyes wide while you looked up at him in his arms. He chuckled again. Oh, that chuckle. Stupid wine.

“You look a little flushed.” Spencer said while dragging his hand over your flaming cheeks softly. “Yeah, wine does that.” No, Spencer does that, Y/N, don’t lie to yourself.

His eyes were looking into yours so tenderly that you debated if this was a dream or not. Then something happened that raised your suspicions of dreaming.

He slowly put his lips on yours. Oh, stupid wine.

Next Chapter

#spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds #sleepovers #sleepovers chapther 1

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ihatebnha · 2 years

Note

i am so…. thankful for you & your responses. i literally woke up today, got on my phone & immediately checked your blog to see if you replied yet. the immense joy i got reading the whole thing was so… wild. i don’t ever want you to feel like your responses aren’t good enough bc they are everything to me. i wrote out another long ass thing kind of talking about what you talked about, a sad ibiza thought, a lil bit more about her dad, & her name! but i’ll send that later. i just wanted you know how genuinely happy your input makes me. thank you so much for listening to my messy rambles. i appreciate you tons. 🤍

-oc anon

#don’t have the words for this one I’m sorry #Bc I’m so msndksjdksisosk goo goo WAHHHH abt this tbh😭😭😭#but I figure letting u know I saw this and that I WANT TO GIVE U A HUG is okay🥺🥺🥺#i want to get better at just doing that #even if it feels like cheating #lmk if it’s okay🥺🥺#BUT YAYYY I’m so happy ur as delighted as me!!’#I’m touched u checked so fast too … I had a feeling u would #ALSO IM SO EXCIRED FOR MORE WHEN IT COMES #thank u for sharing this all with me and being so sweet #❤️❤️❤️#ask #anon #caitie chats #oc anon #i like talking in the tags.. it’s safe here

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radramblog · 3 years

Text

What happened to Dirk in Homestuck^2?

Why am I doing this to myself.

I memed a little yesterday when I was posting that article around social medias about Homestuck jokes, because once again we are in lockdown and I am therefore Stuck at Home. Canned laughter goes here. But there’s a topic related to the comic- or more specifically, its aborted sequel, Homestuck^2, that I’m interested in delving into a little bit. I’m going to avoid talking about spoilers as much as possible, but considering said comic takes place not only after the events of the massive sprawl that is Homestuck but also the more linear but still messy Epilogues, some amount of sus shit is inevitable.

Anyway. Much maligned is what the Epilogues and 2 did to everyone’s favourite decapitation target, Dirk Strider, and I have a theory as to why it happened this way.

To begin with, let’s summarise what and who Dirk is through the course of the comics. Fair warning from me, though, it’s been a while since I read through this.

Dirk Strider is a teenager who grew up in a post-apocalyptic future Earth, completely devoid of physical contact with other people and only really ever gets to talk to 3 other people, only one of whom is in anything remotely resembling a relatable situation. He struggles with self-identity, having created numerous robots including an artificial intelligence based on his own brain, aka Lil’ Hal. He’s somewhat of a control freak, and a bit of a cold aloof asshole, but means well, and is pretty gay. NBD. The kinda guy to set up a plan meticulously and thoroughly, not informing any of the moving parts even if said parts are his friends, and often involving some form of self-sacrifice.

Throughout the comic he further reckons with self-identity problems and his own self-loathing including entering a relationship with Jake which doesn’t go well and he eventually breaks off since he knows his overbearing and manipulative behaviour is Not Cool and Pretty Toxic but doesn’t know how to shut it off. Eventually he reaches the God Tier as a Prince of Heart, gaining the power to literally annihilate souls, which he never actually uses since he gets yeeted into deep (Paradox) space and then everything goes to shit. Except none of that happens because of the Retcon (aside from the God Tier bit) and we don’t actually see how that shit progressed in the canon timeline. I think. Dirk’s arc, as it were, doesn’t really come full circle- while he does assist in Dave’s character…growth? he really isn’t the focus of that conversation. This immediately precedes the action climax and there isn’t literally any dialogue after that so that’s what we’re left with.

I like Dirk in Homestuck a lot. It’s hard not to, considering the flashes heavily featuring him (Unite/Synchronise and Prince of Heart: Rise Up) are genuinely excellent, along with many of his music themes being absolute bangers. He gets to interact with Caliborn a lot, with a pretty great banter, there, and the whole splintered personality thing is a really interesting hook for a character. I think he’s my favourite of the Alpha kids, a controversial pick considering I know everyone loves Roxy so much. I think, I’m not as in tune with the fandom as that statement implies I am.

And then the Epilogues/Homestuck 2 came.

Now I read the Meat half of the epilogues first, but that’s more interesting, so we’ll tackle Candy first (this is going to get real confusing for those who haven’t read this comic, huh).

In Candy, Dirk almost immediately kills himself, citing the irrelevance of the timeline as cause, an act considered by whatever mechanism governs God Tier deaths to be Just because he hates himself (and also bc of things we’ll get into), so it actually sticks. This isn’t super relevant for the discussion, but that’s just kinda so unbelievably fucked up? Entirely? I’d imagine if you read Candy first you might get entirely turned off by this, which I’m sure a lot of people did.

Meat is where the, well, meat of post-canon Dirk is. You see, a concept very quickly introduced in the tail end of the original comic is the Ultimate Self, an idea where you somehow encompass every different timeline iteration or alternate version of yourself. This was pretty clearly tacked on to make it so characters whose arcs all happened in the retcon timeline could have their not getting an actual arc explained away, but it didn’t land then and it sure doesn’t land for me now. Anyway, in Meat, Dirk becomes his ultimate self, making him near-omniscient and able to control the fabric of the story himself- for much of this story, he is the narrator. And he uses this power to fuck with all his friends really distressingly without their knowledge (or consent), including breaking up a marriage, in order to further his own goals which largely appear to be just keep the story going so to not fade out of relevance. It’s a plot that makes no sense with his previous characterisation, but I guess now that he’s the Ultimate Self he’s a different person? But I liked old Dirk, and I don’t like New Dirk. He’s a villain now, but he made a much better anti-hero.

But this would be fine if he (or the epilogues, or Homestuck^2) were written well. But they aren’t. Dirk’s dialogue is long, painfully drawn out, with tangents that tend to amount to pure wank, misused literary references and pointless metaphors that go on and on, filling the screen with a bright orange screed that hurts to look at as much as it does to comprehend. It’s not fun. And we’ve seen Dirk communicate before, obviously, the story of Homestuck is built around chatlogs, but it wasn’t like this. He was sarcastic, dryly witty, blunt at times. Even when he was literally talking to a different version of himself it didn’t get that masturbatory.

I was so confused about what the hell happened to Dirk, because I had no idea what the hell someone writing this character was thinking when they turned him into this. And then, the 21st page of Homestuck^2 dropped.

And it all came together.

What Ultimate Dirk and Terezi are referring to is Pony Pals: Detective Pony, a children’s book about some girls who hang out with ponies and solve a mystery. It’s a real book, buy it for your 5-year-old.

Except they’re not referring to that, they’re referring to the Homestuck Canon version of Detective Pony- a birthday gift from Dirk to Jane, heavily edited and to be much more obscene and eventually developing into it’s own story, stated to be “tough, emotionally draining, but cathartic in all the worst ways possible”.

Except the quote “Remember Longcat, Jane?” and references to philosophy, dead languages, and ancient earth culture aren’t referring to the three pages of the Dirk-edited Detective Pony we see in the actual comic itself. That quote doesn’t appear there.

That image is from Detective Pony, by Sonnetstuck- the 40,000 word fanfiction from 2014 that serves as a completed version of Jane’s copy of the book. An expansion of what we see in canon. And it’s a tough, emotionally draining read, but cathartic in all the worst ways possible.

It’s a very good fanfiction.

In the later bits of Detective Pony, we can start to see the origins of what would become Ultimate Dirk’s signature style of writing. Long blocks of rambling text, orange dripping down the page, references to philosophy and history and language that go on and on. And it probably does look familiar to those who read the Epilogues and ^2.

But there are a couple of key differences here. First of all, it’s just better written? The way these rambles circle back on themselves is so excellent, the absolute absurdity of this being written on top of a pony book for little girls, the humour (beyond some of the more immature stuff), it’s just a really well-written piece of fiction. Hell, you don’t even need to be familiar with the character of Dirk to enjoy it. It’s a harrowing piece, but it’s also self-aware- because it’s not supposed to be tough, draining, cathartic etc. just for Jane- it’s clearly that for Dirk himself.

The second part is, of course, that this is a fanfiction. It’s not canon, it’s not official, this is by someone who really likes Dirk for people who really like Dirk. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, so if you bounce off it (and I’m sure a lot did), then you don’t have to keep reading it, it’s fine, thanks for playing. As much as Homestuck^2 tried to doll itself up as “dubiously canon” it’s still the official continuation of the story, and that means if it’s as difficult to get into as Detective Pony, that’s going to be a problem for a lot of people.

The other part of it is that Detective Pony’s exploration of Dirk’s character is, well, in character. When the man himself steps in as a character in his own book, the explorations of what he is as an author, who he is as a person, make perfect sense for what we see of him at the start of the comic. He is that manipulative, blunt person, and he is aware of his faults. He’s the kind of person to hide a lamentation on his own failings inside an impenetrable maze of a story layered on top of a book about fucking ponies. Ultimate Dirk does not act like Dirk, outside of the “manipulator” angle, something that Dirk was aware of and trying to improve in the comic. But I guess people don’t have arcs, right?

It’s so interesting to see the seeds of Homestuck^2 laden within Detective Pony- because the meta angle that and the epilogues take is also represented in said fanfiction. While the nature of canon is a facet of the work, the idea of authors and narrators fighting for control of a story, different ideas in mind for the characters, one being more personally connected to them than the other, it’s all there. When I wrote about Fallout 4 in the past, I mentioned being worried that Bethesda took the wrong lessons from Skyrim- seeing something successful and trying to recapture that lightning in a bottle. I think Homestuck^2 is an extreme example of this- the writers of the comic saw Sonnetstuck’s masterwork and thought, yeah that’s great, we can do that. But they just can’t. And with the comic crashed and burning, the probably won’t ever get a chance to. Dirk is forever stuck as this amalgamation of himself that looks nothing like any individual version of him ever did.

At least we will still have Detective Pony, and many other excellent fanworks, for actually good Dirk content. I admittedly haven’t looked into much fanfic written during/post-epilogues, and I’m kind of afraid of what I’ll see- I can only hope the fanbase didn’t take the same wrong lessons as the official team did.

#ramble #honestly more of an essay #homestuck #homestuck 2 #dirk strider #ultimate dirk #just ignore me accidentally posting this to the wrong account and having to reup it

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