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neonbrutalism · 1 year

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How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Ship Comics!MattFoggy (Part 1)

Hello My MattFoggy Friends.

Are you sad about Daredevil: Born Again more than likely not including Foggy? Do you agree that he is so crucial to Daredevil and also he and Matt are married?

Then let me introduce you to ... the Daredevil comic! Because if you thought Matt and Foggy were married in the show, wait until you read the comic.

One thing I hear a lot is that there's almost 60 years of Daredevil comics, way too much complicated history and detail and you can't be expected to read all that. And to that I say... correct. And you're not expected to. I myself have not read all of volume 1 nor parts of volume 2, 5 or almost any of 6/7.

You just gotta pick what seems interesting. I like the Waid Run! I started there and have picked and chosen other runs. Nobody actually expects you know the complete history of the characters. It doesn't matter! Did Matt dad die before or after he met Foggy? Did they go to Columbia or Harvard? How old are they? How long did Matt and Elektra date?

The answer: who cares? Not even the comic writers can keep that straight. Just go with what you want to happen! Nobody is going to call you out. If you want dead characters alive, go for it! If you want to import characters from the MCU into your fic, please feel free! It's a 60 year soap opera. Do want you want. If you really want to know, just read a wiki summary.

If anyone gets weird or salty in your comments … that person is making some very weird choices. Do not engage. Good God, it's a fanfic. Do whatever you want. Just reply "lol, yikes" and move on. I am 35 years old and I am giving you grown-up with a job in an office adult permission to do that!

The major differences between the comic and the show are:

Matt is a redhead. Matt having red hair is pretty much the only difference that remains constant. Everything else is different and changeable writer-to-writer. Except early in Volume 5, when he was drawn to look like Charlie Cox and the miniseries between 5 and 6 where in some issues, everyone was copied from the Netflix show and it was weird.

Anyway:

Foggy's hair is usually short but he has 1990s anime girl bangs like Sailor Moon. If you like long-hair Foggy, sure, he can grow it out! He's sometimes blonde.

In earlier runs, Matt is sometimes shown to have been blinded as a teenager, 14 to 16. In more recent runs, he was a child like he was in the show.

Jack Murdock died when Matt was either in college or in law school, either before or after he met Foggy. It changes depending on the writer. He's also been written as dying only a few years after Matt was blinded.

Matt doesn't just have enhanced senses... He has an entirely new, unique sense, radar sense, that functions separately from his other senses. I don't know how. So, if he loses his hearing, he can still understand the world around him.

Stick trained Matt and once, pushed him off a building but didn't abandon Matt until he was in college. Comics Matt doesn't quite have the abandonment issues Netflix Matt has. He has a whole lot of other ones.

Matt wasn't crushed by Midland Circle. But he DID basically die in the storyline Born Again and have to be nursed back to health by Maggie.

Matt's not actually very religious in the comic. He was raised Catholic and he gets more religious when he's especially distressed (and due to inspiration from the show) but for the most part, he is not a very devout Catholic. However, in volume 6 and volume 7, he is (but it's kind of a weird ninja cult way idk i'm trying not to editorialize in this)

Foggy's class. In the show, he is from a lower-middle class family that loves him and Matt. In the comics, Foggy's family is very wealthy and they are pretty disappointed in Foggy. His birth mother, Rosalind Sharpe, is a huge asshole and hates her son and Matt both, but has tried to use them in the past for her own gain.

They're both huge nerds. Foggy's supposedly "cool" in the show but he is not, I assure you, in the comics. Comics!Foggy almost certainly cannot recognize a Taylor Swift song. Comics!Matt likes experimental jazz. I want to give them both swirlies.

What if you want to write comics-verse with Butcher Shop Foggy and Religious Matt? Then do it! It's fine! It's a big multiverse!

I just want my MattFoggy friends to have content.

Now on the downside, as this comic's been going on for a while, Matt (and other characters) are kind of assholes to Foggy about his weight. I ignore that bit. As with all comics, you have to ignore some shitty stuff sometimes because it all varies writer-to-writer.

Anyway, you came here for some MattFoggy Married Evidence, right?

Okay, here we go, presented with the help of my friend @froggynelson and all my chums on Discord and the Avacados in Love server...

In no particular order, a small selection of Matt and Foggy being in love.

One time, Matt got possessed by a demon and Foggy free-climbed a castle to rescue him. He is the only person able to get through to Matt to help save him. Shadowlands is otherwise, unfortunately, bad.

Something else from Volume 1 is that Matt was supposed to be the better lawyer of the two of them. Of course, since then, everyone's agreed Foggy is the better lawyer. But really, they're better together than either of them are apart. (This is the bit that made me think "oh they're GAY gay")

In volume 3 and 4, Foggy had cancer. Matt gave up his (already compromised) secret identity and moved to California in order to help him.

It was extremely sad!!

They had to fake Foggy's death!

He got better :)

Now Tumblr's post editor is chugging at this point, so please join me in part 2 - The Quest for More MattFoggy.

#daredevil #mattfoggy #matt murdock #foggy nelson #marvel comics

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catgirlbussy · 8 months

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holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

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mlobsters · 1 month

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saw a post yesterday (3 months ago now) that was like finale reactions from not-wincest shippers saying wincest won - but wincest shippers said it wasn't even wincest. which brings me around to my pondering how there's this divide of the ship into wincest / weirdcest / gencest which I'm still not totally sure the difference between the last two. but like, if I'm talking about wincest, I'm not talking about them with fucking required? it's just the dudes in a not-strictly-familial-platonic relationship. which to me, canonically, even in the most literal reading they've got a queerplatonic situation, so that qualifies

i think what i'm boggling over is that (sometimes?) the ship isn't the ship (the key is the key, man) it's like, ship+what they're doing with their dicks.

which led me to reading fanlore's gen and slash and smarm etc articles -> looked for a gencest article, reading the gen sam & dean one and the sam/dean one which is understandably packed with the related shipwar-ish stuff and i'm reminded i just. shouldn't read what anyone has to say about ships and this show. I feel like I'm rarely on the same page as anyone else, which is impressive in a fandom this large. i still don't really understand how the lines between them get drawn. but after all that i read, it sounds like people aren't really in agreement out there on the internet either.

so, this has been in my drafts since december and another post/reply got me to open it back up, someone saying if you want to tag the non-sexual situation it's gencest or weirdcest, not wincest. but I think now my personal understanding/interpretation is that those are just a subset of wincest, not standalone. I think another component of why it gets under my skin too is the inherent devaluation of queerplatonic relationships. a definition borne of the aromatic and asexual communities

and who's to say it isn't romantic? if the lines and beats are romantic, does it stop being so because they're brothers? would we have the same splitting up of the ship if they weren't related? (can guess what my answer would be)

ANYWAY. this was supposed to be how one ship has been split in a way I haven't seen before and find really weird. I can see how say, on tumblr, it's nice to have a tag that's just the qpr relationship, but not to the exclusion of the main ship.

I thought on AO3 it would be more clear cut, but of the 282 tagged with "Gencest | Emotionally Incestuous but Non-Sexual Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester" only 118 are tagged with Dean/Sam. and in the 79 works tagged "Weirdcest | Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester Appear Incestuous to Others Due to Lack of Boundaries", 40 are Dean/Sam.

and while I like the expansion of the tag name to include a definition, what even is emotionally incestuous :p and if there's incest in your definition, how does that not fall under the ship rubric

but being that there's 34,387 works tagged with Dean/Sam, and while there's more things tagged with gencest pre-2020, the majority is 2019+. and weirdcest is nearly exclusively 2021+. so, large consumer of fic that I am, I am sure things that would fall under those labels weren't tagged as such in the main tag.

going back to fanlore, the article about qprs:

Queerplatonic relationship tags are canonized in freeform tags on AO3, but uses in relationship tags are synned to the / tag.[4]

and the reference is:

Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow (Queerplatonic) has been made a synonym of Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow. Works and bookmarks tagged with Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow (Queerplatonic) will show up in Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow's filter.

which honestly made me laugh. that's a very specific situation!

but I think a lot of this, for me, circles back to what is a ship even, and why doesn't love for each other above all else+life partners qualify

and yet, look at me the hypocrite, because I tag stuff with "sam and dean" that are the canonical qpr things, but I wouldn't tag wincest because I know a lot of people would have it filtered. whereas anything remotely shippy in xfiles canon, I tag with msr. *facepalm*

and the advice/explanation I've received about tagging other people's posts, canon gifs, what have you; as wincest - that you might be putting their personal squick right in their notifications. so, don't do that! and I've internalized those rules.

and I guess there's plenty of people that watch the show and think they're just regular brothers ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

spn fandom is a minefield even with my skirting at the edges of it.

I don't know what anything means anymore

#supernatural #i tag it because i want it to be caught by people's filters that wanna filter it but this also has no need to be in the main tag #sigh #wincest #gencest #weirdcest #fandom wank #I'd say I'll regret actually posting this but no one cares about my opinions so i guess it works out for the best 😂#queerplatonic #qpr

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embracing-the-ineffable · 3 months

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Twenty Questions

Thanks for the tags, @eybefioro, @goodoldfashionednightingale, and @hoarder-of-dragons! I picked my favorites from the posts you tagged me on, and added a few more of my own:

Currently consuming: Good Omens everything

Currently consuming: Good Omens everything (it's worth repeating!)

First ship: I'm not sure. I think I was introduced to the concept of ships through Thomas Sanders' Sanders Sides

Do you have kids? Yes, birth and foster 🥰

What sports do you play/have you played? Dance, horseback riding, and martial arts

Are you more likely to be sincere or sarcastic? Sincere

How many tabs are open on your browser? Over 3,000, because Session Buddy doesn't work on mobile yet 😅

What's your favourite colour? There's no way I can choose! I love the play of different colors with one another. I tend to wear a lot of purple, burgundy, and teal jewel tones, especially in the autumn and winter.

Favorite drink: Hot cocoa with marshmallows and herbal tea for the winter

Last movie: Nothing Lasts Forever and Pride and Prejudice (Those of you as obsessed with Good Omens as I am might recognize a theme here 🤩 )

Scary movies or happy endings? Feel good media with happy endings, please! The world is already full of too many sad and awful things.

When was the last time you cried? I don't remember, but it was probably induced by sleep deprivation and stress. Or really big feelings.

Any talents? Photography! And I love to nurture things. Sometimes that means cooking for loved ones, or growing a jungle of plants in my living room, or organizing gatherings for an extended circle of friends and chosen family

Talent you wish you had? Drawing

What are your hobbies? Right now, the only honest answer is Good Omens 😅

Do you have any pets? Yes! I've shared my life with a whole zoo full of cats, dogs, fish, and reptiles, including an adventure cat, a part-bear part-muppet therapy dog, and a tegu lizard that I trained to walk on a leash and harness.

Super power you wish you had? Reading minds

Dream job? I don't know! I've had so many, and they've all been valuable stepping stones on the path of my life. The jobs where I get to teach and help people - especially kids - are my favorites.

Dream vacation? Seeing the northern lights in person is high on my list. Also, a wildlife photo safari in Africa.

How would you change the world if you could? (Or, what are you passionate about?) I would teach everyone the skills of DBT (helpful for absolutely everyone who has ever had a strong feeling or a connection to another person) and then I would give everyone universal healthcare and a universal basic income with an aim to eliminating poverty, especially among children, plus all the other long term benefits that would stem from that. (Read more from WaPo about UBI here if you're interested.)

Currently working on: Solving the ineffable mystery with the lovely people at the @ineffable-detective-agency, and finishing a new fanfic for the Good Omens Minisode Minibang. Hopefully I'll be ready to post that later this weekend!

No-pressure tags for a few mutuals who might be into tag games, and an open invitation to everyone else!

@gallup24 @averywiseanimatedcat @procrastiel @commonmexicanname @crowleybrekkers @stumblingoverchaos @dunkthebiscuit @red-sky-in-mourning @im-not-a-virgo-im-a-lesbo @tragic-cosmic-magic @crowleybrekkers @lil-king-trash-mouth @celticseawych @phoen1xr0se @lemonic-whimssyy @ineffably-poetic @red-sky-in-mourning @weasleywrinkles

#twenty questions #tag game

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1-800-colby · 1 year

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Hide and Seek | Colby Brock

no warnings, just takes place during the video, hide and seek in target, Enjoy, and request, I want to start writing for other people too, so comment down below!

The year is 2017, and you are enjoying the day with your friend group. Your friends, Sam and Colby are major YouTubers, who make fun of exploring content videos, on the app. You met the two when they first moved to LA, helping them find places during the summer where they could film, ever since them they adored you.

Today, you are with your female best friend, Katrina, who has been dating Sam for two years now. Your also with a good friend of the guys' who recently became your friend as well, Corey. It's a small friend group right now, but everyone isn't here.

You were all standing in a little circle, by the elevators, which you might add, you can't wait to go inside, saying how hot it is. You've been in most of their youtube videos in the past, so people know who you are. some people like you, while others don't. But, you don't care, you're just having fun with your friends, and making these videos with them will let you have something to look back on.

Sam was the one who started to speak first since this is going to be on his youtube. "What's up guys, today we are going to be doing part two of hide and seek because you guys got to 50,000 likes!" He started off as if you looked excited while laughing at the others.

"we don't have as many people here, but we have a bigger place." Sam exclaimed as you butted in.

"It's okay, we like them big," you said while winking towards the camera, as it took the others a minute to figure out what you just said.

"[y/n], family-friendly!" Corey joked as you apologized and let Sam finish what he was saying. But before he could start a car started to honk, which scared you a bit. Colby noticed and laughed while patting your back. You and Colby. You and Colby have a more different relationship then others in the friend group.

You two know more about each other, than everyone else, including Sam and Kat. They like to joke that something is going on between the two of you, but you both are in denial. The fans however, make ship edits, or say stuff, which don't bother you, sometimes you even like their stuff to make them think something is going on.

But, you are just best friends, however, you wouldn't lie... you would like to be more than friends at some point. It's just confusing. And Colby feels exactly the same way.

After saying the rules, you all walked into Target, probably your favorite place to shop. Walking away from everyone, you pulled out your phone, and made a video of what you were going to be doing.

"Hey guys, it's me the one and only! So here's the plan. I have a friend who works at this very target, and I texted her earlier about this, and she's going to let me go to the back of the room, and we will figure out the rest of the plan there!"

Seeing Kat, you waved and walked a little closer to Starbucks, making her think that you were hiding there like everyone already expects you to. Seeing Sam's text to everybody, you quickly made your way to the employees only door, and met your friend in there, while giving her a hug.

"Oh my gosh, you look cute!" Samantha said as you giggled while letting her walk in. "I asked my boss if you could wear a Target shirt, which surprisingly she said yes too, and she gave you your own locker!"

Laughing, you took your phone out and pressed record. "Hello, again. I am with my friend, Samantha. Today she's letting me pretend to work at Target, as I hopefully win the game." Showing your phone the locker, you two laughed as you went to a different room to put on the classic red shirt.

"I love it." You said as she giggled. "Okay, so I would say to wear this hat-" she said while putting it on my head. Trying to hide my face as best as possible. "I'll be walking around close by, if anyone asks any questions just try your best to answer them"! I looked at her confused then smiled, and high fived her.

"We got this!'

You weren't the only Target employee wearing a hat, so it wasn't weird or anything. It's been about twenty minutes, and you have been walking the front, trying to do something. In your group, Sam was with Kat and Corey, trying to find you and Colby, thinking that you two could be hiding together.

Before you could walk away to the back, a lady stopped you. "Hey, I was wondering if you knew the aisle where the energy drinks were?" She asked you hoping for an answer. You couldn't say no, and say you weren't an employee, so you actually knew the number and told her before walking away, acting like you were putting stuff in the right places. This was such a good trick because you saw Sam, Corey, and Kat walking by, but they were trying to hide from the people in the red shirts.

When Colby was found, the group was thinking of where you could be hiding, and Colby was starting to get a little worried, because all of the places where already checked.

You felt bad so you gave the group a hint. You decided to text Colby.

I am out in the open, just look harder.

Colby showed the group your text so they could think about what it could mean. Walking into the food section, you found your friend trying to put the chips on the higher shelf.

"Do you mind helping me put the chips up here, I'll hand you them. All you have to do is get on the ladder." Samantha asked, as you nodded and decided to help her while your friends were looking for you.

While having a good time helping your friend, you have been hiding for thirty minutes. Standing on the second highest ladder step, almost about to put the chips in place, your friends did a double take while coming back to the aisle, and yelling "[y/n].

You looked at them as they had a confused look on their face. Samantha took the bag from you, and you walked down to them. "What in the world?" Kat asked as the others stared at you.

"My friend here helped me win this challenge, Samantha bow!'' You said as she did so and you clapped, making Kat giggle. Corey spoke into the camera.

"Is that against the rules?" Sam shook his head no as he began to speak. "No, she just outsmarted us, so [Y/n] I believe you get the free dinner.'' You nodded while looking happy. This was your chance.

Looking at Colby you asked him a question, not caring that it was going to be out in the world. "Colby, do you want to buy me dinner?" You asked everyone gasped, while Kat silently cheered.

"Hell yeah."

Smiling the video ended, and you all walked out. Colby was glad you asked, he was afraid to ask you to be honest. It was a good day.

#colby #brock #samandcolby #hideandseek #kat #corey #target #samgolbach #colbybrockxreader #x reader

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jvnifm · 9 months

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{ CLOVER, 21, CST, SHE/THEY } —— welcome to infinite entertainment! it's JUNIPER 'JUNI' KIM, who is the MAIN VOCAL of ESTELLA. i’ve heard whispers that the TWENTY-TWO year old is pretty IDEALISTIC but lowkey SUPERFICIAL. also, doesn’t she remind you of JEON SOMI?

hello !! my name is clover ( she/they, cst ) & i am the mun of juniper 'juni' kim !! under the cut i have a brief history and a personality description as well as a few plot ideas for miss juni !! please give this a like if you'd like to plot with juniper, i promise she's not as superficial as she might seem ( kinda lol )

pinterest board !!

THE SPARKNOTES

juniper yewon kim was born in san francisco, california, usa on june 16th of 2001 (making her a gemini sun with an aries moon and a virgo rising) to two loving parents as well as an older brother and an older sister.

her parents were very much modern day (at the time) hippies, teaching their kids about love and acceptance from the day they were born.

juniper was a generally happy and bubbly child known to her family and friends for her adoration of music. from a young age, her parents joked that she'd one day be famous.

school was especially challenging for her, throughout her childhood she'd get in trouble for not turning in homework or talking during class. she was eventually diagnosed with attention deficit disorder.

this diagnosis lead to her being put in classes that provided extra help to kids with learning disabilities, this caused her to feel insecure about her level of intelligence even at the age of nine years old.

with her doubt in her intelligence, she began to embrace her love for music and asked to be put in singing lessons. her parents being the people they were signed her up before she could even finish her question.

it soon became clear she had a natural talent for not only singing, but performing. when she was focused on music and performing she didn't have to worry about people questioning how smart she was.

her junior year of high school she went on a trip to south korea to visit her extended family. one day, she went out shopping and got scouted by infinite.

her parents, despite their support up to this point, were very hesitant about juniper taking this opportunity. they didn't feel comfortable with juniper leaving everything behind to go do something that could possibly never pan out.

however, they caved after seeing how badly juniper wanted to give it a try. while training, she lived with her grandma who helped her become more fluent in korean.

after four years of training, juniper made her debut as the main vocalist ( and baby ) of estella !!

THE BAD BITCH HERSELF

juniper is very easygoing, always choosing to see the best in people and is never one to rock the boat.

she's been pretty popular with her peers her whole life, always having a solid group of friends around her.

definitely more intelligent than she thinks she is, sometimes she'll subconsciously act dumb as a self fulfilling prophecy of others thinking she's not the brightest star in the sky.

juniper is an independent thinker and is very opinionated despite her rarely voicing these opinions.

she is confident in who she is and her interests, she's very into the occult and all things relating to the paranormal or horror. ask her about her opinion on any horror movie and she'll give you a 352 slide powerpoint about what the film does well and what it lacks.

she's generally competitive and finds good fun in competition until she starts losing. then all hell breaks loose.

circling back to her never rocking the boat, this includes problems she has with people. she'll often go to others to vent or rant which is often interpreted as her being two faced and superficial. she knows this and doesn't really care. if you don't like it, that's your problem. not hers.

she HATES routine, this is one of her least favorite things about being an idol. she prefers to have freedom and do what she wishes as she pleases. she usually just wants to stay home and watch all of the saw movies in a row in a dark room.

she's a very jealous person when it comes to relationships ( platonic and romantic ) and will often do things to hurt her own feelings.

she's extremely animated in how she talks, people usually either love this or hate this about her. it's a 50/50 thing.

juniper is a drama queen in every sense of the word ( i know it's two but that's not the point ) and will exaggerate most stories just to make them more interesting.

juniper is the type of person to tell someone white lies to spare their feelings, she sees this as the kind thing to do which in most cases isn't the right thing to do.

CONNECT WITH THE BAD BITCH

BABY SQUAD!! a group of people who are around her age who she hangs out with.

a gossip buddy, ideally someone as dramatic as she is to match the energy.

perhaps opposite personality friends?? "someone will die." "of fun!" kind of thing

maybe an ex best friend who still shares a bunch of mutual friends w her so they have to be civil with each other.

ride or die!!! please

someone who loves horror movies and will watch them with her for hours!!

on the other hand, someone who hates horror movies but somehow always gets talked into watching them with her.

#infinite:intro #helloooo everyone!#sorry if theres any mistakes #i may have consumed some of the devils lettuce #making her pinterest as we speak

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drdemonprince · 1 year

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I don't know who to ask about this and I'm too ashamed to ask in any auDHD support group, but how do I cope with RSD from my own incompetence?

I made friends in the crochet community and I've been learning crochet for three years. I'm glad for how far I've come but I can't ignore the fact that I've been talked down by my family due to my hobbies. Since I was a kid, every special interest that I have got shot down or ridiculed and I think because of that, I always have a bit of an unhealthy view of it.

Sometimes, I became competitive and when meeting new people who are more likable, more talented, more resourceful, or have more spoons to create, I wish I could be their friend too so hopefully, I could be like them. But then, I get RSD because of their lack of interest (because I already put a barrier between us) or because sometimes we're not on the same page regarding some things.

I became resentful every time I saw or meet them. I just can't shake the anxiety and irrational anger whenever I see even a glimpse of them online or offline. I can't stop projecting my insecurities onto them and even though I've tried to act nice and avoid any talk or conflict, I can't ignore them entirely since we're in the same circle. My friends like this person, and I know I look odd being the only one who stops talking or is void of emotion whenever we're in the same space.

I feel childish just asking this but I hope you know a way for me to cope with it.

I wrote in a piece a few months ago arguing that most of what gets called RSD is largely just pathologizing a really sensible reaction to repeated social rejection, and I think that holds here.

You are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself, on your own abilities as a crocheter, on every interaction that you have within the community, on individual people who symbolize a desired level of acceptance and recognition you imagine they have and that you don't, on the validatory meaning of small interactions, etc, and so it's no wonder you are bugging the fuck out so much! It's very hard to act normal and chill and take the weird comings and goings of socializing with other people naturally when there's so much weight hanging on every little interaction or cue

(including many completely unintentional or potentially misreadable cues -- it's hard to gauge how much a new/slightly unfamiliar person actually likes or dislikes you, sometimes, and when you've had a lifetime of bad experiences, it's easier to sensibly default to assuming any neutral or missing cue is a negative).

Unfortunately, in my experience the only ways to move past this kind of overthinking and stressing and putting a hindering amount of symbolic weight on small interactions is through lots of practice and building up distress tolerance... and by genuinely having positive or warm experiences enough times that it helps train your nervous system to not associate the activity or community with threat.

It's apt you're messaging me coming off furfest weekend; when I'm around plushy-suited smiling-faced fursuits, I actually feel happy and comfortable around people, because they all look so nice and unthreatening to me! And move so goofily and sweetly and are there for such an adorable reason! In reality, I could practice seeing all humans in this way, because those are humans under those fursuits and most humans are just as capable of being silly and playful as furries are, at least in the right context.

But I have Social Anxieties and so a neutral expression on an unknown person registers as either disapproval or threat, much the time, meaning I am more defensive and less friendly with other people as I move about the world, worsening my own social anxiety by denying me practice and positive experiences, etc. all of which is a long winded way of saying i feel you and i understand what it's like.

In my experience, when I *can't* just run off and surround myself with completely nonthreatening looking fursuiters as a means of disengaging my social anxiety, one way I can at least overcome the worst of it is by having a lot of really mundane interactions with people that are not focused on socializing or making friends (or scoring any kind of interpersonal "win") as their cause.

Having an external goal and focus that you share with others unites them with you and keeps you mutually distracted enough to not be distracted by constantly socially evaluating one another (or trying to guess at how the other person is evaluating you etc). So, join up with some people to organize an event in the crocheting community, edit some example patterns with someone, ask someone whose skills you respect for help with a project that's got you stuck, just generally find some way to share the act of directing attention toward some separate/third thing, and make it something noncompetitive or where you can experience the other person as affiliated with you.

What's great is that research shows working collaboratively on a task as equals is one of the greatest bias-busters for neurodivergent people! So if you have looming anxieties about people treating you weirdly because your neurodivergent or anything like that, aligning yourself with someone to take on a task or a project is more likely to make them like you in return, and you will eventually be able to notice and internalize some signs of that affection, hopefully.

Beyond that, I think you need to just keep going to events in the chrocheting space, contributing to them, approaching people and asking them about their work, asking for and receiving advice and help with your own, and just generally behaving cordially to everyone you bump up around in that world, even if you don't like some of them or have some anxieties surrounding how some of them see you. when we really fear the judgement of another person we feel strongly motivated to dive the fuck away from them, which does not lessen the anxiety in the longrun.

but if the person isn't downright hostile or abusive to us or anything like that, we can usually get a little bit more acclimated to being around them simply by ... being around them, but not prioritizing winning them over, just socializing with others and interacting with them neutrally / pleasantly enough when the situation naturally arises. some people in the community might not like you, or RSD might be sending you some misfires or both, but either way, you can keep showing up and focusing on the friendships and activities that have been paying off, and directing more energy there.

and you'll probably still feel like an overly analytical insecure wreck for a while as you do all of this!! that is okay. feeling better is not the first step to doing better/differently. you can enact the behaviors of being affiliative, pleasant, collaborative, and curious even when you're not absolutely feeling it.

if you have big red glaring instincts telling you a person is Bad to be around, dont ignore that, of course, but you can keep showing up and being a pleasant, active party in this community even when your brain is telling you that so and so not looking up from their project to say hi when you walked in the room is proof that they have always hated you. it isn't proof of that, most of the time, but youre not crazy for having those fears, i have intrusive thoughts like that all the time.

my mind looks all around for evidence ive fucked up in some terrible way that i need to fix, and ive had to make an intentional practice of dismissing those ideas when they come up, and choosing to treat interactions and lower stakes and more blase than they actually felt that they were... but eventually i just got so socially active and had so many interactions that were in fact low stakes and not a big deal that eventually my brain started sometimes believing it wasnt a think to worry so much about.

i hope some of that makes sense or has some applications to what you're working on. i'm sorry that your family has been so dismissive of your passions over the years. it sounds like youve found a rewarding hobby and some people you enjoy being around who also take part in it, and that even the worst enemies you have in the space at this point are not actively dicks, just passively disinterested, so you really do have a lot of raw social material to work with here and get more acclimated to with continued practice. but hey, it's been three years, it's honestly okay if there are some anxieties you always have, just dont let it keep you from getting out there and trying to approach people/engage in the hobby along with other people. sounds like youve been doing fine.

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margridarnauds · 1 year

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top five characters/moments/things from irish mythology you wish had more pop culture traction?

Thank you!

One thing I’m going to say, off the bat, is that I know that my idea of what has pop culture traction is going to be very different than what the general public sees -- When you spend a solid chunk of your life looking....and looking...and looking at pop culture retellings, that’s pretty much all you see, but I’m aware that what might be relatively common in depictions of this stuff might still be relatively obscure to the general public. (Especially if it’s not, say, banshees, selkies, or, God help us all, leprechauns. Even though those are all folklore, I know I’m never going to win that fight.)

1. The Tuatha Dé being dicks in general. Like, with all respect to the Professor, he did possibly the worst possible thing to Irish material (and that’s including when he dissed “Celtic materials” as being like shattered stained glass) that he could have done by sheer accident when he created Lord of the Rings. Because, since that series was published, every single low quality fantasy writer has been trying to shove the Tuatha Dé into Tolkien’s elves (and a specifically bowdlerized version of them.) And the TD are...they’re fascinating to me. I love them very dearly, I’ve been going back to them for years because they’re this group of superhumans who are also petty and spiteful and sometimes rigid in upholding distinctions. They haven’t always forgiven the Milesians for taking Ireland from them, they will do everything they possibly can to screw people over, they are sometimes only loosely tolerant of the mortals (and, on Samhain, for example, they sometimes lose even that loose tolerance.)

Like, I want the Tuatha Dé to be complicated and hypocritical and petty and spiteful while also being capable of being the best of humanity as well while ALSO being distinctly Off. I want Lovecraftian Tuatha Dé who are always just beneath the surface, I want comic relief Tuatha Dé who are still in denial over having lost Ireland and refuse to adapt to the modern world at any cost to truly ridiculous standards, I want the Tuatha Dé to be a big, high stakes family drama/reality show/soap opera with the entirety of Ireland having to deal with the fallout, I want tragic Tuatha Dé who are these kind of living artifacts in a world that’s more or less outgrown them. (I am obviously aware that they have modern worshippers -- I am saying that the TDD are drama queens and will still be mopey after having lost the entire island. Unless you have Brehon law actively being around still, they are still going to be mopey.)

2. Related to that, bruighean tales. This is not a term you hear very often outside of Celticist circles, and part of the reason for that is that these tales often haven’t been translated yet into English (though some of them have been translated from modern Irish), even though they had a wide currency in the folk tradition. What these are is, essentially...a story in which the Fianna are tricked by the Tuatha Dé to go into a magical fort, where the Tuatha Dé proceed to attack them throughout the night with a series of spells, illusions, and the odd monster or two. (The most famous of these is probably Laoi na Con Duibhe -- The Lay of the Black Dog.) Like, I feel like there’s a lot that a modern audience could appreciate about this, from the perspective of horror and the gothic. I think you could do a lot with the claustrophobia and the tension of it, with this group of legendary heroes possibly, for the very first time, being in over their head.

3. The Fir Bolg! It is so ridiculously easy for these guys to get adapted out of depictions of the battle between the Fomoire and the Tuatha Dé, but they’re so important! (Also, more Fir Bolg who are accurate to how they’re presented in Lebor Gabála Érenn -- so many pop culture references, when we do get them, have so much....uncomfortable baggage. Like, I don’t want to say too much because there are some papers coming out on this, and it’s like...I don’t know how much I can say, but it’s just...please can we toss away the idea of them somehow being these primal “primitive” people who are associated with the earth? Can’t we let them be competent and clever and strong settlers of Ireland who established the kingship?) Especially my boy Sreng who is quietly one of the single most fascinating and complex characters in the entirety of the medieval and early modern Irish literary tradition.

4. I firmly believe that we have never gotten enough Bres as a character, which is a little shocking when you consider how important he is to the Tuatha Dé -- so many central figures are related to him (the Morrígan is his aunt), he has a fairly interesting arc in Cath Maige Tuired (which is just a text that...I can never have enough adaptations of), and he gets a relatively large number of appearances across medieval and early modern Ireland. And, like with the TD, I’d really like to see him be done....well. Like, don’t settle for “he’s evil because he’s evil”; I want to see him get a large amount of interiority, I want to see him be complex, I want the audience to sympathize with him even as they realize that if he succeeds...it all goes down. Authors almost seem...intimidated by him, and I think part of it’s that heroes like Lugh are easy, especially when you remove the inconvenient little bits about them that might make them unpalatable. Villains like Bres, though...it’s like they’re having to hold up a mirror. We want to be like Lugh, we want to be that kind of superhuman, hypercompetent master of all crafts who is beloved and is able to conquer all the enemy. In reality, though, I feel like Bres is more...realistic. More human. And that’s why people struggle with him in adaptations, whether they excise him entirely or make him a caricature of himself. People don’t want the reminder of their own flaws. (Also I believe that he should kiss men.)

(On the mouth.)

(With both parties consenting to it.)

5. Relating to #2, I feel like there’s a thick pseudo-Gothic (pre-Gothic?) vein in a lot of the Irish material that could be a lot of fun to work with. @effervescentdragon once compared Crimson Peak to Togail Briudne Dá Derga, I personally love the incident with the dead men and the Morrígan from the Boyhood Deeds of Cú Chulainn, I was recently rereading the plot summary of the short story “Don’t Wake the Dead” and was reminded of the story of Sín in Aided Muirchertaig meic Erca, the Dead Man in Echtra Nerai, this one description of a bruighean tale...I think it was Eochaid Bhig Dearg, where every single one of the Tuatha Dé is described as having a smile on their faces as they surround the fort....waiting....while the Fianna can only look on in horror and dread whatever nightmares they summon next...Medieval Irish material is often likened to fantasy and, for what it’s worth, I do understand it, especially since all the great fantasy writers were very well in-tune with world mythology and Irish is an Indo European literary tradition (albeit one that, as of the time of it being written down, had intertwined itself tightly with Christianity.) Still, I would really like to see more of that Gothic element being teased out, because a lot of my roots are in the gothic tradition and I would love to combine my two favorite things.

In general, I suppose my tl;dr is that I would like, in general, for more nuance, more complexity, I’d like more writers to have fun with the material and to think outside the box that this stuff gets put into, I’d like to see less bowdlerization, less need to apply a Nationalistic brush to these things that hasn’t really been necessary since the 1930s. (Also, give me more Cath Maige Tuired adaptations.)

It’s funny a lot of the time, when I see, say, arguments about Arthuriana or Greek Mythological adaptations where people will be saying “I HATE when adaptations--” and I’m just kind of in this perpetual state of “What do you mean ‘adaptations?’ Y’all get your favorite works adapted more than one time?” Don’t get me wrong, I can sympathize with seeing your favorite material butchered, but I’ve had to read a LOT of really bad self published novels, Wattpad fiction, and MySpace RPGs from back in the day in order to get *anything* for my favorite characters. And if I was ever really, deeply personally offended by seeing my favorite characters done badly....I think I’d have gone insane at this point. I think people often expect me to be very strict but the truth is that I’ve never had the luxury of being very strict. Our most accurate representation of the material thus far’s been an animated film where the day is partially saved by a spirit cat attacking a Viking warlord. Our second most accurate representation’s been Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, where there’s an evil cult of human-sacrificing druids in 9th century Ireland that ends up spurring an Irish Inquisition and the 50 foot tall Lia Fáil, which is an alien artifact, exploding into smithereens. And I think that it’s fascinating to see what the public is really interested in and what authors and creatives are putting into their stuff VS the material as we understand it. So, a part of me’s a little sad all the time, but a part of me’s also always interested in seeing how these trends play out.

But, anyway, I hope this answers the question! Thank you again for the ask!

#long post

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ribbonpinky-art · 10 months

Text

feeling melancholic and hopeless again. so im gonna just write out my emotions and none of it correlating. self pity post galore

im thinking about things. life is rough. so stressful. my mental illness is worsening by the day. lots of stuff happens behind the scenes that i choose to not talk about

and what im thinking about now, is that who was once one of my absolute comforts (junko).. im thinking abt that adorable little fumo plush of her i ordered several months ago is just sitting on top of my other plushies.. that i wasn't even excited to have her when she first arrived.

i didn't care.

and that hurt, knowing i didn’t, remembering how much she once meant to me.

same with my Chang’e. i want nothing to do with either of them now. they no longer bring me an ounce of comfort, only dread and remnants of a self indulgent story of kindness that once lifted me up. it all died. feels too idealistic. i feel like im too much of an outcast to let this story exist outside my private circles. i dont even want it anymore, or if i want to ever again

i think as of lately, focusing on oc’s (including ones i havent spoken of yet) has been better for my state of mind

doesnt help that im kiiinda only appreciated for my Junko works!!!! awesome!! i dont want to draw her anymore !!! fml!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! other people are better at drawing her than me anyway, ya wont miss me. lemme focus on my evil lady oc instead...

maybe im being melodramatic, and i do not care. perhaps in a few months i will be enamored with them again? idk. idc either

i feel more disconnected than ever to fandom, when i was seldom a part of any of it in the first place. im that person that exists on the outskirts, not really part of their community. im disconnected to people. i cant make connections with anyone, but i never could .. ok . i could, with a couple folks here and there. im grateful they want me around (not counting my partner of course, theyre the best thing thats ever happened to me. im not just lucky, im fortunate af we met at all)

im aware of my own issues- im autistic, im unmedicated when i probably need meds to regulate my emotions, i live in a toxic family. im triggered terribly easily, and when im hurt, it *hurts*.

i fear that, because of my strange way of speaking and how a lot of my conversations are stilted, and what i perceive as unusual behavior-- i fear i make other people creeped out/uncomfortable. irl or otherwise. like, maybe ppl will be friendly to me at first, but after a year and i dont say much anything and im just this creepy, quiet weirdo to them now. and thats so silly. whats creepy about me?? im a pint size thing who cant even look anyone in the eye very well. is that creepy?? ok, i struggle to talk sometimes, i might be uninterested in conversation but i dont want to be disliked for it-- idk ((ok i have “Creep” by Radiohead set in my mind because of my mental state, and its kinda funny to me for some reason)

i genuinely feel like i lack intelligence. i suck at thinking. i suck at thinking of words, remembering things, and the tiny mistakes i do make are SO small that it should be impossible to make the mistake in the first place. was i always like this? i feel like i used to be smarter , lol

i am quite literally, a complete failure in my family. i cant stress the truth in that enough. even my grandmother is disappointed in me and only wants to see a text message from me saying i got a worthy job in my field. that only thing that matters to anyone, my one and only point of interest in everyone i speak to in my life even outside my family, is that i dont have a real job. thats it. everyone is waiting for me to be.. someone.

because im no one.

but none of them have been a particularly positive influence in my life, seeing as im stuck here.

i genuinely feel disgusting for existing. my body feels wrong to be in when i am visible to any human being. perhaps even to any animal and bug, too. i dont want to be looked at, to be remembered by anyone who wont understand me

nothing is changing!!!!! and when it is, its worse than before!! why cant i just be brave and GO

not all of this reflects reality. i beat myself up a lot. mirrin knows it. i know it.

it hurts

#ribbonvent #tw i talk somewhat ableist towards myself. sorry #all in all... im just venting. take my particuarly heavy words with a grain of salt #i have a lot on my mind. this is only a portion of what stresses me #mirrin is helping me ground.. i love u mirrin

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ella--writes · 1 year

Text

Reckoning

Sometimes I listen to a podcast from 2020 or 2021 and I am overcome with a strange nostalgia and sadness for a small part of the pandemic that is now over. During the time when it was common for those who had the privilege to stay home to practice some kind of quarantine, there was an acceptance that everyone was struggling to reckon with the pandemic in some way shape or form.

I remember joining Zoom calls and checking in with people, and the expectation being that none of us were okay. None of us were okay, and we could hold space for that experience. Now, I’m pretending to be okay again. It’s not socially acceptable in the way that it once was (in my circles at least) to talk about the fact that there is an ongoing pandemic that MILLIONS of people have died from COVID-19. So many of those were preventable deaths. The weight of this tragedy is hard for me to comprehend, or at least to comprehend alone. In 2020, it felt like we were trying to comprehend it. To combat it.

Now, even people on the left who I had previously thought myself to be sociopolitically aligned with, are acting as if the pandemic is over. It isn’t. I’m still wearing a mask, when most of the people I know aren’t. To not acknowledge the ongoing pandemic as an active threat to our health and safety, and one that is disproportionately impacting already marginalized communities, especially immunocompromised people, feels dystopically callous to me. It is a strange feeling to be living in a different reality with different facts than the people who I had previously shared so much of my reality with.

I feel this less acutely than many. While I’m still masking in public places and avoiding crowds, I’ve been seeing friends indoors unmasked and even spending occasional time in coffee shops. I don’t feel like the level of social distancing I am doing detracts in any meaningful way from my mental health, especially in comparison to the more severe quarantining I did at the beginning of the pandemic. However, I have family and friends who still, many of them out of the necessity of their health risks, are practicing social distancing that includes seeing no one but close family indoors unmasked without testing, always wearing N95 masks when they have to be in proximity with unmasked people, etc.

I remember what that felt like and it was hard. And it is a privilege for me now to even be able to make the choices of how much I want to social distance without the knowledge that a COVID case would likely kill or disable me. Still, I remember how that isolation felt. I remember what it was like to spend every day so deeply trapped in dark corners of my mind that it was difficult to feel fully engaged with the physical world.

I remember the intimacy inherent in the few social interactions I would have. In the virtual conversations I had with my best friend in those gray days we would exchange the daily mundanities that brought marginal interest to our days. We had a lot of conversations about what kinds of toast we were into that week, and what was the best way to prepare it. Those small connections in that time were magnified in their intensity to me, and I didn’t take them for granted.

I was 18 in spring of 2020. I think that time forever changed the way I relate to the world and to other people. For a while, it felt like that was a collective experience. Now, it feels like a rare, more individual one. I’m not alone in this feeling, but the people who experience and share about it are often overshadowed by the vast majority who have come to terms with this normalization of mass death. This isn’t the only issue that I think breeds this kind of isolation. But it is a pressing one, and I think some of what shocked me about the shift from caring to not caring is that it happened so quickly. I hope that, eventually, more people will realize that there is no normal, and that we are not okay.

#covid #pandemic #covid_19 #mental health #quarantine #leftist

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sea-salt-child · 1 year

Text

Asclepius

I am writing this at all because I did it wrong and now I’m waiting to fix it.

That doesn’t make a lot of sense on its own, right? It feels like I’m cheating… or something. Like I’m expecting you to get it from nothing. Well, that’s how I have to start it. To explain it. I have to show a big piece, like one of those huge tunas, before I can disassemble it into little cans of pate.

I have a friend. Or had one, because we aren’t in exact contact anymore. I’ll just call him A. Because A is the first letter of the alphabet and he’s the first link in this chain of misfortunes.

A was a shy kind of person. I liked him, but we didn’t talk much. We had a lot of problems in common. Difficult lives, difficult families, strange beliefs, whispers in the dark.

His head spun in circles and he gnashed his teeth sometimes.

He was the one that brought a story about the ROM hack he had found, first. Something for Pokémon White. He claimed he just came across it in a list of weird hacks in some forum. An ambitious project on a tough game to work with and a creator claiming the game could change reality.

I didn’t doubt it, for all the obvious reasons. The problem, however, was that A was empty handed. No link for download, no pictures, nothing. Just a story on a server with a few friends.

People were quick to call bullshit.

But he said it, like so:

“I promised”

Promise to not share those things. I promised, I promised, like tape around a cuff. And the more he explained, the more people thought he was just pulling their legs.

And he didn’t like that.

He repeated what others said, one phrase at a time, sounding dazed, as if a rug had been pulled from underneath him. Distant, trying to reconcile a world where he was lying with a world in which he wasn’t.

It was pretty bad. The group had plenty of infighting. Some said that at this point this was just bullying A. Others accused him of faking being unwell and of forcing everyone to walk on eggshells.

…Well, there was a lot more to it. The fight was a long time coming, really, over loads of things. That’s how “things are” on the internet.

And then, one day, A snapped.

He posted the download link. The link to the forum thread he found this in. And then he left the server, blocked a bunch of us, disappeared. All he had to say was that he didn’t know the person who played the game at all.

And he hoped I, among other people that had been helping him, understood.

Was it some kind of betrayal when I decided to do the same thing everyone else rushed to do and download it? Play it? At the very least I was guilty of helping others install emulators and so on. In for a penny, I thought.

So, this isn’t just my story. At all.

I stole it.

At this point, I’ve played the game a few times over, but lots of the things that happened the first time around just won’t repeat. And you’ll realize I haven’t included pictures either.

So as to not twist the knife on A’s back, but for the sake of more, too.

This is a play, so I’m going to name some of the characters.

I will be B.

There is C. She was part of the whole drama in lots of ways, bending over backwards to try to pacify everyone. C is sick. C likes fireworks and is learning origami to try and make those paper cranes.

There is D. He really doubted A. He may be the best FPS player in our friend group, but the bar is really low, so I don’t know how good he actually is. D is also sick.

There is E. She dates another friend of ours, and despite being sick as well, she second guesses that a lot. She has come to hate A. She is a witch.

And finally, F. F is also a witch, but it is of a different kind than E. F is sick and that sickness has many magics pinned to it. F maintains discord bots for fun.

And we all downloaded the game.

I only speak of them because of their common thread with me.

…

It was a sunny day when I opened the game for the first time. I wasn’t the first to do so. That was D. I didn’t do it before because it had been storming, storming away and the sound of it bothered me and made me too moody.

The name of the game had been changed into “Pokémon Asclepius” and most of the intro had been changed- the very beginning played, before blacking out and changing to something of an animation.

There was N, sitting at the throne, kicking his legs. He would lift up his hands, tilt his head, and then move his fingers, trying to make a framing gesture, but not managing to be coordinated enough.

A little sound, like a sigh in the otherwise silent screen and everything would cut to the main menu.

And so, I changed the text speed and started a new game.

For a moment, I didn’t get what was on the screen, exactly. A piece of a textbox with bits of text on it. After a moment, it hit me that the lower screen was displaying a flashlight icon. Mouse over, drag it around- and sure enough, the light on the upper screen moved as well. It made reading the text messages more of a pain, but it interested me and hooked me by the throat rather than the mouth.

Hi there!

I looked for the professor’s sprite. There she was, though her eyes were closed.

Welcome to the world of pokémon! I am so, so dizzy.

My name is Professor Juniper. Everyone calls me the Pokémon Professor!

Pokéball toss that I didn’t catch with the flashlight- but the pokéball didn’t seem to have released anything at all. Just hit the ground, open.

…Ah? Where did you come from? You look pale. I bet we can fix that, actually. Just be patient okay?

But who are you, exactly? And what are you doing here?

Character selection screen.

I’m lying to you, by the by. I don’t actually remember most of this. I’m playing through again, just to give you all the details. My actual memory of what happened that first time is full of holes, full of uncertainties. Unreliable and uncharacteristic of myself.

At that point, we all still had the same kind of game, though F reported that sometimes her flashlight would go out at random. Flickering, flickering, she said, and the way she said it struck me as odd even though it really shouldn’t have.

“When we see things, that’s when we commit them to memory. And memory is a trial.”

My own light illuminated the characters.

Their clothes were now just whites and blacks. Eyes closed. Expressions neutral. I swear that they opened their eyes in the dark, just to close them away from the light.

D rushed ahead a whole night.

I woke up to many screenshots and commentary.

The protagonist’s house painted blue. No furniture anywhere.

Mom sprite replaced by a white box.

A single cottonee in the pokémon menu, named “Cotonee”, as if by a misspelling.

A staggering amount of pokéballs.

His commentary full of jokes, others joining in to gawk at the strange game. No mention of A.

At around 4 AM, D suddenly stopped uploading anything. Gone to sleep.

I woke up to that kind of thing, but then, I didn’t look too closely out of not wanting spoilers. C and F were of the same mind, but not E.

“I’ll wait for D. I wanna progress with him, have a call and all.”

When I chose my character, I was immediately thrown into the house. No chance to choose a name. No starter selection.

And it was dark, still. Black and white, stark, sharp. I shared that and E pointed out how that was unlike what D experienced. A moment later F shared her own picture, and it was like my game.

We wondered if it had to do with the chosen character. We both picked the girl, D picked the boy.

It doesn’t have to do with that, actually. Like many aspects of this game, it is chosen based on observation. There are many variations, and they all come together to spell you out. That’s the meat of this and its secret. It’s how the magic happens.

I opened the pokémon screen.

My only one was a lillipup with a nickname already set. “Tessel”, belonging to me. Or, belonging to “Saccharine”. In fact, almost every name in the game would be changed to something odd like that.

Almost every name in my game.

For everyone else, it turned out, the names were almost normal. Just misspelled a lot.

I didn’t play for long that first day. I had a bad feeling, very bad, thinking of A. We let things get to this point, we were now playing this even though he hadn’t wanted us to.

Tessel was just a silhouette. A white shadow in the dark, with large eyes gazing at me with no particular emotion.

The maps were made strange. Open, looping almost everywhere. And so dark, always, forcing me to use the flashlight everywhere to get anywhere. At times I would get stopped by other trainers, who would all open up with that line:

“Ready for it?”

When light shone on the NPCs, they would close their eyes. This one I could confirm, yes, with the little delay in the animation. So dark, even though it was daytime.

“Daytime? You think so?”, C asked me at one point. And more than that: “I am sure it is night. The dead of the night. I can hear owls.”

I couldn’t.

But that’s not exactly what she said, either.

C liked birds. She was having a great time identifying the bird noises, concluding over and over that they were correct for the season.

“But not this one”.

“What is it?”

“That’s a Great Kiskadee. It doesn’t share a habitat with these other birds. And shouldn’t be out at night.”

These noises didn’t exist. But maybe they did in her head. Because it was full of feathers and because she was ill as she was. She never doubted my strange words, either, so I owed her at least this.

On the second day, I played with F.

We compared the strange things in our games. The rival characters- they were painted in white like us. For me, Bianca was named “Belladonna” and Cheren, “Wisteria”. For F, it was “Banika” and “Sherene”.

“If it’s capitalized, I wonder if it is meant to be that way.”

“It was a mistake.”

C spent the day folding cranes.

In battle, the game would stay dark, which was annoying,given the need of the lower screen for selecting attacks. It had never been a problem in the overworld because most of the screen was already dedicated to the light, with a button being needed to freeze the light in place and bring up the normal menu.

So much for forethought.

When my light shone on the opponent’s pokémon, a bar over its HP would go up, obscuring the name, which was never the species name. “Calendar” and “Piscine” and “Store” and so, so on. F liked to see the names. When the bar was filled out, at last, a message would pop up:

“...Ready? Fainted!”

Followed by both pokémon fainting. It would also, apparently, reset the friendship level with the fainted back to zero.

I don’t know why but it made battles so much more eerie. I’d play a move and the animation would be wrong, in odd places, or would be for the wrong move. Sometimes the sounds would get loud, as if the opponent were getting very close and my heart would race.

Can’t see what they do in the dark.

Just stare away.

I convinced myself that the movement when I got the light over the enemy was just the normal idle animation. Anything else and I might have chickened out.

That night I slept paralyzed, hearing the click clack of a broken flashlight.

On the third day, D came back. It wasn’t unexpected to hear he was in the hospital again, but he did say:

“There’s no point to screenshots anymore. There’s barely any point to anything. I’ll be sharing more of the game, but I promised to not send pictures.”

And there it was. The strange behavior. Not unexpected, not at all, but the fact it was over this, copying from A? No way. And I asked how he had his laptop with him.

“That isn’t needed anymore. Goddamnit.”

And we knew better than to prod.

D’s game with its light. He described things to us. I stopped playing around this time. A break was in order, I felt sleepy. I wanted to talk to A again. Apologize.

The region, he said, was all different. All roads, with no large cities, which was unlike my endless fields. That is another thing that can happen, then. And he walked those roads at the sidewalks, which had many chalk drawings.

The game was difficult because there were few places to grind for levels. The cutscenes that once gave the game so much life and personality would now play randomly, out of order, with unrelated NPCs playing the various roles.

He said that going in the middle of the street netted encounters he didn’t like to see.

“You are challenged by Ancillary Talent!”

White box, like many other things in his game. Sending out always the same thing. A bulbasaur named “Terminal?”, level 1, with Taunt. One, two, three, six times over, the thing that he was so upset about.

He advanced and he said he could see the trainers better, now. As if they had always been there, hidden behind the box of white.

“They look beautiful. I didn’t know you could do something like that.”

Then show us.

“I can’t. I promised.”

Who did you promise?

Radio silence.

Days passed like that. I also checked in on C’s and E’s games, but F was with me in not making more progress.

Their descriptions grew more fanciful. More distinct from one another.

People were leaving the server. Leaving the six of us behind.

I don’t know these people in real life. I’m actually really isolated, a person. Barely a person at all. I wanted to reach out to A before he disappeared completely. He understood it better than the others, after all. The heard things not there, the vicious things just put in my brain. How scary this world is.

According to D, the gyms were enormous. Fanciful. Beautiful. He was having the time of his life, and there was no need to worry anymore. He said there were sounds from his street there.

“Do you really think that?”

He did.

“You’ve been in the hospital for the last few days. When are you going to be released?”

When he beat the elite four. He said the streets were known. He could navigate them with his eyes closed, even, because of how often he made that trip in the car.

It’s the same, but so much more vibrant than these grey landscapes… He wanted to have more time. He wished things were different. He wanted to live a normal life.

“This is the opportunity of a lifetime. But I’m not taking it. I made my peace with this a long time ago, I’m ready. But you guys should have a chance, whatever that means.”

His game lasted a month of walking and wandering. Too far away to go home, too slow to make much progress in a day. He would open his menu and the cry of his starter, long having evolved into a Whimsicott, was a whisper of the name of the road he was in.

He argued much with C and E during that time.

C couldn’t bear her game anymore. The cacophony of birds coming from it was so much. She could hear them in her sleep. Not making progress, not able to find herself in an endless world like mine. She found no gyms, no story progression, nothing.

She said the pokémon looked wrong. That all of them made those bird noises. That their names were switched. And she, too, stopped sending pictures.

Because she promised.

The server was just us now.

Maybe it always was.

I’ve played the game many times and it never gets better, does it? It’s not a problem if you play it too someday. It’s just that I’m sorry if you do. Like I said, we were all sick.

E just left the server suddenly, one day. Said the rest of her journey had to be on her own. Thanked us for supporting her.

“You are in charge now, F.”

And F shared with us her game.

It was so empty and barren. Places with no name, no NPCs. Trainers with no class. Pokémon without species. Placeholder things. Simple interlocked rooms.

We were on a call. Unlike the others, she shared everything in a stream, until the end. Her laughter was bitter.

“God, everyone. This is such a stupid thing. Such a dumb, good-for nothing thing. Why are we still trying?”

She said something like that, at least.

“This game was full of detail. But it’s getting like this. Do you believe in ghosts?”

“No.”

“Good. There’s no ghosts inside. Just outside.”

Walked on and on. The more it was played, the less there was. Everything was typeless now.

“I’m done. I’m done with this. I’m done with feeling like this every day. D is gonna reach the hospital tomorrow and I’m done with seeing that kind of thing. You see this?”

…A house. And I knew it was Bianca’s house. Her parents, inside, paced.

“Idiots. They are playing with us. Pretending like this is a haunted game. Open your eyes, we never even left the title screen! I don’t need a computer to play this anymore. Or anything. I’ll just play it in my head. I promised I wouldn’t share anymore of this, but how else am I going to get heard? We fucked up with A. Now it’s our turn. It’s not that it’s Karma or anything stupid like that. I’m just- I’m just nauseous. I don’t want E to disappear. I’m not taking the chance, either.”

She went upstairs into the dark room. The light flickered. A blank room.

“There’s not even a way out.”

She tapped the screen and tapped it again, then opened the menu and showed the trainer card.

The trainer sprite was broken up in several pieces.

I was huddled against a wall that day. Just listening. Just watching as she maneuvered through the game. Losing more and more features and details, until she was just wandering the white.

“I don’t wanna be alone inside myself.”

I know.

“I’m gonna crumble on my own.”

I know.

The next day, D posted his last update. That he finally beat the game. That he was feeling nice for once. And he left.

When I played, my mind wandered.

I did things on my own.

The looping maps were full of people saying familiar things with closed eyes. I don’t know how to tell those around me that my brain is broken, but I do know how to tell them the ways in which my game was broken.

My little character wore a raincoat one day before it permanently turned rainy in the game, with the winds and static that happen when introducing one of the weather pokémon.

My team was a woobat, my lillipup, a pidove, a cottonee, a spinda and a minccino. They couldn’t evolve, and I never caught anything. They just appeared. We won very little and we won in the dark. I was aware. Very aware. These were the Pokémon assigned to my friends.

From that point onwards, someone was following me.

That was N, rendered in the same blacks and whites as my character. Trying to interact with him opened up a picture in a box of him in the throne, hands splayed in front of his face, kicking his feet. The animation would play for a few seconds then stop.

The first place we reached, see, was the hospital.

Created from a pokémon center’s assets, expanded in all directions, colorless. N stopped me at the entrance, displaying that animation and a text box half clipped into it. My light revealed the shapes of the sentence.

“Do you promise not to show this to anyone?”

And I promised not to. There, out of a yes or no prompt.

The promise isn’t a threat. Isn’t for the sake of some deep, mystical thing. It is just… a matter of respect. Of not inviting gawking eyes to the scene. Everyone’s despair needs privacy. And privacy I give.

A is in the back of my head and out the corner of my eye.

He’s stuck in his miserable room pondering dry ice.

D took up a whole room. He was much smaller than I ever could have guessed. I ran the lights over him, fondly. And then I approached to start the battle.

His entire team, poisoned. He never wanted to cure any of it, though. Living as though everything was normal. Looking away, laughing out loud, until it wasn’t.

He tried his best. He really did.

The lights were on in the room in the end and no one came for him.

And so I moved on, out the endless streets. The same things, again and again, for a week straight of playing a few hours each day.

A few trainers were nothing but white boxes now. White boxes in the dark full of nothing at all.

C went silent for a while, but never did leave the server. Migraines from the birds, she said. She was scared.

I reached E and F’s house. The place that mirrored and went up like it went down, until it was blank. Blank and housing people I never met. I fought hard, and during that, my Cottonee finally evolved. On its own, at a weird level.

We searched for them everywhere, having to stop often as the amount of wild encounters increased. We often faced Ancillary Talent. Each time, its pokémon would be a single level higher. With enough time, if we tarried, if we let things drag on, they would certainly stop us for good.

That didn’t happen.

They were in the basement. E and F, connected at the neck. The trainer had its back turned to us. The battle theme played doubled up, with a slight desync.

And a message appeared before the fight.

“...Can you really believe it?”

I dunno. I can’t believe anything, really. But I can defeat you two. With much effort, yes, given my team, but leech seed turned out to be very good in the end as a stall battle set in.

Minccinno evolved to a Cinccinno, in the end. And it acted as though Spinda was also evolving, but it just turned back into itself.

C called me that night saying she didn’t want things to turn out like this.

Telling me to please stop.

We don’t know each other well enough.

That this is too much.

She’s so afraid.

She can hear me.

Stomping around in the ceiling.

But I’m only in my bedroom like I am everyday because this body is too tired to get around.

In my dreams I move the flashlight to reveal her terrified face.

The sound of birds hammered inside my brain as I approached her. She’d been playing non-stop, gathering a team more competitive than the others.

But every time she tried to attack:

“ is too scared to attack! You should consider”

The kiskadees flocked and all I did was advance, bit by bit as she frantically called me through the server.

Just to stop when I defeated her trainer.

“I hate you”, she sent, and was the last one to leave.

Now I’m alone again. Same as I started.

One by one, I release my team members, until it’s just us again. “Tessel” and “Saccharine”. That has a lot of meaning to me, actually- but it would be a long story. And you already don’t believe this one.

Yeah. I’m not sending pictures because I promised.

My friends are sick. It’s not pretty. But they won’t be for long. None of us will.

I lean forward on the side of my bed, but before I get up, I get a message and this message is why I am writing this at all.

“You did it wrong”, says A.

Fucking hell.

I turn around and flash my light over N. He is motionless in his throne and my stomach curls and turns and knots up. When I move my character, there are no animations from him. Just dragging sounds.

I played the game many times over, ever since, trying to find the perfect way to act. But it’s gone. They are gone. I never find them again. Just endless looping fields and A’s words. He didn’t want this game to get between all of us, but it did.

We all just wanted to be okay.

I don’t want to be stuck in this room forever.

Always tired, always dazed, never believed, treated like I’m always making things up.

“Tough luck.”

I feel hazy, feel confused. Everything is an ordeal.

Tonight, A will knock on my door. He’s been playing the longest out of us, so it makes perfect sense. Because we want to be normal. Because we want to be well. The real mistake was forgetting he wasn’t gone.

I check my trainer card, and for once, she is smiling.

I drag myself and N towards the elite four. The building is dark and it is empty. I check the four rooms, in the absence of any way out.

Every time I reach the top, silently, a message appears:

“Not here… Are you ready?”

And when I’m done, I am back in the bedroom. Not the first one in the game, but mine. Or maybe it is just the normal bedroom but at this point it feels like I’m going to burst open at the seams and I don’t know if there was ever a difference at all.

I bury him in concrete. Hearing birdsong. Feeling my chest so tight.

My game is making the noises of a shovel and it is dark and I don’t wanna look so instead I open up a text document.

I’m waiting with a knife.

I am better than all of them. I deserve it. I deserve to get the blessing of this stupid genie in a lamp of a game. Why was it even made like this? I don’t know, I don’t know, they just made panacea and this is the equivalent exchange.

Are you ready? I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready!

Tiny barkings, I’m so aware.

And the judge I buried, I’m tired of caring, he just gazes upwards blank at all goodnight.

#pokepasta #pokemon creepypasta #just realized i never posted this on here so #long read

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acourtofthought · 1 year

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Sometimes some people let their ships rule over them and affect their opinions on one character or group of people just based on that. If you like the inner circle then you dislike Lucien/Elucien or if you DO like Elucien then you dislike the inner circle (Feyre included!). Another one: if you like Gwynriel and Nesta and the Valkyries then you dislike the Inner Circle or if you like the Inner Circle especially Feyre then you dislike the Valkyries. You guys, Nesta and Feyre have made peace, calm down. If you like Rhys then you dislike Nesta and vice versa. Don’t even get me started on the whole Tamlin and Tamlain situation.

Meanwhile here I am: I love Feyre and Rhysand, they are the heart of this series, cry all you want but Sarah has made it that way. Let’s be honest ACOMAF, which is Feysand’s story, is what really propelled this series to become wildly popular. I also love Elucien (team doing it in a field of flowers or in the woods with fire in his blood all the way!) and I want Feyre and Lucien to get a proper revival of their friendship again. They give off total siblings vibe—the kind who will yell at the person who hurt you and then yell at you right after whilst saving your ass and then proceed to roll their eyes at you. Why does this sound like it’s happened already? They’ve been friends ever since she was a little itty bitty human! Probably her first friend ever, anywhere! I hope in the Elucien book (it will happen istg, we get some of Feyre and Lucien again) And I want the Archeron sisters to rebuild their sisterhood! I am not a Nesta Stan but I can appreciate her story and I like the Valkyries especially Gwyn! And I like the inner circle too! When Nesta and Rhys had that beautiful moment at the end of ACOSF I was so happy. Even with all their faults and flaws. I am neutral on Tamlin but I’ve moved on from hating him, just like Feyre has, she told him that she wishes he finds happiness too.

Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one who has this stance. Maybe I just like them all too much. I should be angrier. Grrrrrrr…….yep, that’s the extent of my anger and salt.

I actually resonate with a lot of what you just said! Yes, the characters do things we don't like and they make us mad at certain points but at the end of the day, they are all friends and family (I don't want Tamlin to be in that particular family but I hope he finds his own path where he's happy). And yes, maybe right now there's a lot of crazy emotions and frustrations being experienced between the characters but that's what happens when they're all trying to find their way in this new world. But at the end of the day, everyone that gets a POV is meant to be the hero of the story (especially Rhys and Feyre though they have this extra weight constantly on their shoulders because they are the ones in charge. As much as you love your friend, sometimes you don't love your boss, right?). You might not love this character or that character "the most" but I think the author wrote this series hoping that you'll still feel fond of everyone by the main ones by the end of it. I definitely didn't love Nesta for a lot of the series but I'm really happy to see the place she has now found herself in. Thinks of the ups and downs Aelin and Co. went through. There was a lot of dysfunction but when we finally said goodbye to the characters, there was a lot of harmony that existed between them all and I really do think that's what we're working toward in ACOTAR. Maybe once the dust settles people will finally be able to stop pitting this sister against that sister or Nesta against Rhys (and so on) and the discord comes from the unknown of how it will all play out. But I think you're on the right track with how you feel about it because if I were an author, I'd hope for the same feedback from a reader.

#pro feyre #pro rhysand #pro nesta #pro cassian #pro azriel #pro gwyneth berdara #pro lucien vanserra #pro elain archeron #pro amren #pro mor

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what-if-nct · 1 year

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hiiii today's reminder is i went to day one of that wedding today and i did look very good and ate a lot of very good food and i think lost quite a bit of my hearing ability from how loud the music was so you know. standard indian wedding. but it's really weird going to these things now, because I'm apparently at a Marriageable Age now, to all of these random aunties and uncles. and the bride is a family friend of ours who's a couple years older than me, and she married her boyfriend of two years, who is from outside of her culture. which was, I'm ashamed to say, something of a scandal in our circle, but the couple convinced their parents in the end and they're married now (well, they will be married tomorrow, whatever, but that just means i get to wear a saree for wedding day two!!). and it was so weird to hear all the aunties and uncles telling me "it's your turn next" and "look she married outside her caste, I'm just saying if you have a boyfriend, it's fine to tell us" as if i didn't hear them spouting their bullshit about why the parents should never have allowed this right up to the second the bride and groom got on the stage.

like weddings used to be so fun to go to? we'd just dress up and eat and dance and see our cousins and that would be it. and now that's all still there, but there's also this sticky feeling of knowing everyone's expecting me to settle down soon with some nice engineer they pick out for me. which has just solidified my goal that i absolutely need to disappoint my parents with who i eventually marry

Hiii, I'm glad that you at least ate lots of yummy and food and I just know you'll look so amazing tomorrow too!! The pressure to marry and settle down is ridiculous and so many people end up rushing and marrying someone that they don't even love because of the pressure and I can see how being surround by it's your turn, you're next, when will you get married would just leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Also how people make interracial couples this big deal is completely absurd. Like why can't two people of different races love each other without family members constantly judging and looking down on them. It makes no sense to me. Makes me want to exclusively date outside of my race even more (except women love black women forever and ever) . And I whole heartedly cosign wanting to disappoint your parents with who you will marry cause usually that equals the best partner for you. not nine but ten times out of ten disobeying and going against your family's values, and ideals is the best thing you will ever do. Cause most of our families have no idea what is actually good for us cause they don't actually know us. So go ahead baby marry the complete opposite of what your parents want it'll be the best decision of your life. I feel like I sound like I'm anti family you're born into and that's because I am. I only like like five members of my whole entire family cousins and distant relatives included and one of them passed away when I was 15. So just four. Sometimes family sucks.

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currentlyprocrastinating · 2 years

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🍂 and 🥀 for the oc ask game :D

🍂 Does your OC enjoy hugs? What do they do as a show of affection for: their friends, their family, their significant other(s) or for strangers? Over all what are they like with recieving affection from others?

🥀 How would your OC decorate a notebook or journal? What kind of things are written in there? Could you give an example of a nice entry?

🍂 — I answered this here! Short version? Hugs are one of her favourite things :)

🥀 — Oooh, how fun! She would probably litter it with doodles, whether in the margins, between lines, or on sticky notes she staples to the page. She emphasizes words or sections with boldened lines, different colours, highlights, circles, etc. — whatever she feels fits the particular tone she's aiming for. She'd keep the colours she uses aesthetic, too. For each entry, she would have a certain selection or range of colors she would stick to, so everything looks nice.

The exception would be if she ever recorded something negative or emotionally turbulent. In that case, she'd either use one pen the whole time, or clashing colors to represent how she feels. She's the type of artist who will sometimes doodle nonsense on an entire page to let out emotional energy — sharp, angry lines; loose, mindless scribbles; and so on...

But, from a realistic standpoint, she's not good at consistent journalism. So, she'd probably only ever record significant things in a journal, with some pages of random thoughts sprinkled in for whenever she happened to have the journal nearby and felt like recording the thought.

Squirrel also would definitely have moments of feeling awkward at the start of her entries, before her thoughts roll into motion and things smooth over. Other times, when she's so full of energy, it doesn't even occur to her to feel awkward about writing out her feelings lmao.

Oh, yeah, speaking of writing out her feelings, this could definitely be a place where she could think through things. She does write poetry, but has a specific notebook(s) for that. Sometimes her poetry just turns into talking to the page.

Anyways~

She probably has movie tickets or old receipts from a significant visit to even a place as common as a chain fast-food restaurant — because that was the first time she drove a friend somewhere, or something like that. A lot of seemingly insignificant items that hold sentimental value in her mind. And these particular entries aren't necessarily in chronological order! For the most part, she groups them by event or season, but there's a freedom to not having to stress herself about the particular dates.*

As for an example entry... Well, here's one (off the top of my head :P) from their post-AE vacation :) I imagine she did a lot more journaling (digitally, too, including plenty of photos) than usual during those months!

18 November 2032 — Thursday

lol what if I wrote a love song for lololol would that be crazy or what ahaha.

...what would I say? there's so much TO say. No way in hell am I going the cheesy route, blegh.

I could... be vague. Tell a story, be vague, talk about... Everything. There's too much!! My heart feels full. What do I say? I love him x10000?? LOL a song that is just "I love you." That would be awful. I love you... And his eyes... Ahah, no cheesiness. Um...

Where are my words when I need them? Ugh, why is HE so good with his words? Dude is a verbal poet, it's so not fair.

Girl, just say his name, stop being so weird.

Saeran. Saeran. Saeran. ♡

...I wrote that in pen. Oh no. I CAN'T ERASE.

Uh. Anyway!! Um...

Can't I just steal his talent? Steal his words? I've got my guitar in my lap and I can't even think. I have chords in my head but they're not clicking. Should I start with the WOW. You can't sing AND play a Wind Instrument AT THE SAME TIME, girl! smh, dude.

This is getting me no where. Big sigh. Not even worth exploring this, really... I can't help feeling all flustered when I start thinking too much. lol.

Maybe I'll just stick with hoping one day I'll have the courage to play someone else's love song for him lol

...oh God. has he seen my HS jazz ensemble videos? ARE THOSE PUBLIC? I THINK THEY'RE PUBLIC

FUCK

soRry for swearin g

but FUCK

GAH. Am I weird?? I don't like seeing my own Hands write that word lol...

yeah that's right focus on something else dumbass, not the fact that Ray cyberstalked you and has almost definitely heard your sem1 freshie concert where you FREAKING CAME IN A WHOLE SECOND EARLY

AAAA

Signing off to go scream into the pillow before Sae gets back ㅜwㅜ

bonus, tiny one:

Got my hand stabbed by a potted cactus cos my dumbass tried to catch it when it fell off the display :((

Saeran =tended to my wounds= lol

It was... nice. painful ㅠ but he made everything a lot less worse ♡

[Questions from here!]

#*my uncle does this and has encouraged me to do so as well #ive seen first hand how it brings so much joy to the others tied to those memories #like when he was showing me some of his books- his hubby was right there going 'omg i remember that!!' and such lmaooo #it was great #mystic messenger #mysme #squirrel x saeran #squirrel bakken #mysme-rifters au #rifters #ask game #original character #cmc #my cmc #mammonprotectionsquad

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sadbagelvibing · 2 years

Text

13.07.22

Should I end it?

My (23f) bf (24m) and I have been secretly together for nearly two years. Only our close friends know but our families don’t because we’re from different religions and that’s a major issue in our culture.

We were friends for nearly 3 years. I’ve always had a crush on him but didn’t initiate anything because of the whole religion thing. Then one day, it started off as casual flirting and two months in I caught feelings but kept rolling with us being casual because I didn’t want to lose him. It killed me. He’d flirt with others, including one particular girl I knew and I hated it so much. But it wasn’t my place to say anything since I hadn’t communicated how I felt yet, so I stayed quiet and cried myself to sleep most nights.

Around 6 months in, he admitted he felt the same way about me and confessed he’d been trying to convince himself that he didn’t like me because of religious complications, and what that would imply for our future. We agreed to become exclusive and see what the future entails, regardless of all obstacles. I completely understood because I had been in denial for the first few months as well. It just took him a bit longer to realise and build up the courage to admit it to himself. We both knew it, we just couldn’t say it. I was over the moon. I can’t express how happy I felt. It was like a bunch of fireworks blew up in my heart and butterflies were roaming my entire body.

We’ve been together for a little less than two years now and I’ve genuinely never been happier. He communicates so well, he’s kind and patient. He’s worked with me through so many problems and taught me how to cope with my issues. We never fight, only discuss. He’s a walking green flag and I’m a package of trauma. Sometimes it doesn’t feel fair to be dragging him along with me through all of my shit but he always assures me that he loves me and is here to help. Still, my coping mechanism is to lock him out, I don’t want to dump my issues on him. I tend to overthink and spiral into dark places. I’ve gotten significantly better at communicating my feelings and boundaries, but there’s still a long way to go.

Honestly he’s my best friend and I love him so much. I would move and lose everything in my life to keep him without batting an eye. He’s my everything. We’re not codependent, I have my career in place, my own friends and life, but he’s home and I always want to go back to him. I would fight my family for him, but I know it is unfair to expect the same of him. We have very different family dynamics and he’s incredibly close to his whereas I am not to mine.

I think I have abandonment issues. Despite everything going well, I always fear he will leave me when he finds a better option, a girl from his religion, that his parents would approve of. He’s still in contact with all of his exes and ex crushes who all share his religion. But so far he’s always set boundaries with them when needed.

One of them simply makes me insecure because of how much more attractive she is than I am. I also know how badly she broke his heart from back when we were just friends. I’ve only met her once and she gave me a terrible gut feeling. She gives the impression of extreme attention seeking tendencies. She was being so sultry while I was standing right there. She just flirts with anything and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think she knows about us since she’s not a part of his inner circle of friends. But it was a casual conversation from his end, then him and I went about our day so I never brought it up.

I also have no idea if they frequently contact each other, it never crossed my mind before, until today. I accidentally saw him texting her. I didn’t mean to pry, I was by his side and I saw her name pop up and read the first few words of his last text before looking away. He was venting to her. Today was an exceptionally bad day for him so I understand the need to vent, but why her of all people? Why her when I’m right by his side?

I think i’m being jealous and possessive which isn’t a nice look. I’m aware this is my abandonment issues kicking in, which is why I haven’t brought it up. I try to work on issues internally because I don’t ever want to hurt him or be toxic. It’s the bare minimum, I know, i promise i’m trying my best.

But I think this is in part a larger issue. I’ve had this fear with other exes of his. One of them clearly hasn’t moved on (but he set boundaries without me asking and that helped a lot). One of them is his best friend, and she is flat out amazing. He mentions envisioning living with her in the future. They’re incredibly close. They even have a marriage joke pact. She’s dating our friend right now, and I genuinely love and trust her so much, but a part of me fears I will never live up to her. She’s set an expectation I could never meet.

I fear one day his parents will find out about us, and he will drop me in a heart beat because he could never disappoint them, and I would never want him to. It’s also impossible to sway them, we’ve tried. When the time comes to decide, he won’t choose me and he’ll have a list of potential girls from his religion to choose from instead. And I’ll be left to crumble.

I’m so sad. He’s it for me. I’d bend every boundary, throw out any expectation and cut off anyone to keep him in my life. But i’m terrified. I truly won’t recover if that ever happens. And it’s bound to happen. I’m clearly not emotionally equipped for a relationship since I can’t seem to overcome my trust issues. And I guess we were always destined to be doomed.

I’m so mad at the world we live in. I wish things were different, but wishing won’t change reality. I’m devastated. It feels like I have a crushing weight on my chest and I can’t push it off. I can’t bring myself to do it, but I might have to, if not for my sake then for his. He deserves a partner who’s able to love him right.

So should I just end it?

#relationships #relationship advice #advice #advice needed #reddit aita

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