everyone knows so many things & it always makes me feel stupid. there are people i follow here or even mutuals that i genuinely just admire. interacting with others without being a burden or just annoying is so hard

Tips from an autistic teacher about communicating with education professionals

So, some context: I taught Primary for 1 year, and had lots of interactions with parents with all kinds of concerns about their kids. I also remember being in high school and college/university and being too nervous to approach my teachers/tutors with any problems I had until the situation was dire.

For those who don't work in education, I can appreciate how needing to speak to your child's teacher about something can be intimidating, especially if your and/or your child are neurodivergent. And if you are a student, it can be equally as scary.

It's true many teachers are overworked and underpaid, but the vast VAST majority would move heaven and earth to help you. However, there are lots of things you can do to help them to help you, so here are my top tips.

Tell them ASAP if there is a problem - alerting the teacher to a problem or concern as soon as it arises gives them the chance to nip it in the bud before it becomes a big deal. If there is a bullying concern or something you don't understand, they would much rather you told them straight away so they can do something about it than have you or your child suffering in silence for weeks or months. We are generally an observant bunch and are looking out for issues, but some things do fly under the radar. Even if it's not something they can do anything about straight away - like if you think your child is showing signs of autism or adhd but they mask heavily at school - they can bear this in mind and pass it onto other relevant members of staff so it is 'flagged' up for the future.

If your issue is complicated, be sure to put it in writing - chances are you have access to a messaging service or at least an email address. Even if you have raised your concern with the teacher face to face, having it in writing is helpful for both parties. It provides a record that the issue has been raised and passed along as appropriate, and it helps remind the teacher about what has been discussed so they don't end up forgetting about it among the million other things they have to do.

Be specific - it may seem obvious, but there is no point in having a casual chat and then throwing in a bombshell at the end. Make sure to give as much relevant detail as you can about what your issue is, and if you want to raise multiple concerns then it is doubly beneficial to put them in writing.

Think about what your desired outcome is and come with a proposed solution - this is a psychological thing, apparently, but people are more likely to be sympathetic to your concerns if you can demonstrate you have thought about how you would like it resolved. If you want your child put forward for an autism assessment, make sure you actually say this. If you know you are going to be late handing in an assignment but can give your teacher an alternative date you will hand it in, tell them this. I can't guarantee they will always be able to fulfil it, but knowing what you would like to change or happen makes it much easier to sort things out rather than just guessing.

IF THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL THAT'S HAVING A NEGATIVE IMPACT, TELL THEM!!! - I CANNOT stress this enough, especially when it comes to little ones or neurodivergent children who may have limited means of both communication and emotional regulation. Being hungry, tired, stressed etc can have an enormous impact on behaviour/ability to learn. Even a simple message or email giving the heads up your child has had a poor night's sleep because the house flooded or whatever and might be a bit grumpy that day can be a huge help to the teacher, who as a result of having this information will be in a better position to be patient with a child who is struggling. For bigger life changes such as divorce, birth of a new sibling etc, this is even more important so that your child's teacher and the school can, if necessary, put measures in place to support your child through this transition. Communication really is key.

Remember to be kind and considerate - teachers are humans and make mistakes like everyone else. Equally, there are many circumstances they have to deal with that are totally out of their control and frustrate them just as much as they do you. As I said at the beginning, the vast majority want to help you and/or your child in any way they can, and being kind can make what is a very stressful job just that little bit less.

So, there you have it! I hope these tips gave you an idea for how to communicate with teachers effectively.

Oh, here's 1 more bonus tip - if you have anything to ask that is more than just a quick question, be sure to schedule a meeting with the teacher to ensure they can devote enough time to deal with your issue. Catching them at the beginning or end of the school day generally isn't a good idea as they're very chaotic times and they likely have other meetings/appointments/deadlines they will be thinking about.

Your support is much appreciated xx

In Praise of Bluey

I haven’t been on Tumblr in a hot minute because life marches on and I forget about some of my socials for a while.

Anyway, today I’m doing something a little different in the form of a longass rambling post so if you read to the end, you’re great and I hope all of the dogs you meet want you to pet them. (If you’re not a fan of dogs, insert whatever your favourite animal is.)

I’m not a parent. I will most likely never be a parent. I got my tubes removed almost two years ago now, by choice, because of medical issues that would impact a pregnancy, and sociopolitical issues I don’t want to bring a kid into. If I decide I want children, I will adopt them. But for now, my nephew is enough to get my fix of hanging out with kids.

With that said, I adore Bluey. It’s a masterpiece of animation, especially as far as modern kids’ shows are concerned.

Conflict Resolution and Realistic Characters

I find that many modern children’s shows are, for lack of a better word, sterilized. They don’t seem to like to show any sort of conflict. Bluey shows conflict. The Heeler sisters get frustrated with each other, with their friends, with their other family members. Bluey herself can be bossy and vindictive at times, occasionally bullying her sister Bingo, her cousins Muffin and Socks, and her classmates. Bingo is shy and sensitive and has a love of nature, but she runs into problems standing up for herself. 3 (later 4)-year-old Muffin behaves like an average toddler: absolute chaos, but not trying to be bad on purpose. Chilli and Bandit aren’t perfect parents - they get frustrated and sometimes hurt their girls’ feelings as a result. But they all learn from their mistakes, and they’re not afraid to admit when they’ve done something wrong — even the adults.

I grew up with an emotionally abusive father who was always too afraid (or too many beers deep) to form a meaningful connection with me. He’d belittle me for being interested in the arts and actively bullied me when I passed my driving test instead of congratulating me at all. He’s never apologised for any of it. Bandit is the dad I never got to have: he’s entirely devoted to his wife and daughters, even when it humiliates him. He’s not afraid to own up to his mistakes and learn from them.

Chilli reminds me of my own mother in a lot of ways: witty and sarcastic on the outside, completely losing her marbles on the inside because she’s afraid she’s not a good enough mom. Like my own mom, Chilli has a passion for drawing and encourages her daughters to keep practicing. She’s warm and welcoming and gives great hugs. She’s got both jokes and sage advice. And she sets out to right all the wrongs - my mom apologises to me all the time for stuff that happened years ago. (I love you, Mom!)

Tackling Serious Subjects and Different Family Dynamics

Another thing Bluey does absolutely spot-on is addressing serious subjects tactfully and in a way kids can understand. In the episode “Copycat,” Bluey starts her morning annoying the hell out of Bandit by copying everything he does. Things take a turn for the serious when the pup finds an injured budgie and rushes to the vet with her dad. The little bird doesn’t make it, which crushes Bluey. To cope, she plays out the events of the day in a game, but budgie-Bingo doesn’t get the memo and acts all better. Bluey realises that, like the budgie dying, Bingo derailing the game is out of her hands, and she comes to accept it.

In “Dance Mode,” Bandit steals Bingo’s last French fry. She’s given three chances to activate Dance Mode on her family, but gets all of those taken from her as well. Poor little Bingo is absolutely heartbroken when Chilli asks her an important question: “Does your outside voice sometimes say yes, when your inside voice is saying no?” As an (at the time undiagnosed) autistic kid who often struggled with speaking up and asserting myself growing up, this hit me like a ton of bricks.

“Early Baby” tackles premature birth with Bluey’s classmate Indy, “The Show” nods to Chilli having had a miscarriage, “Grandad” emphasizes that aging parents still need to take care of themselves for their adult children.

“Flat Pack” is an allegory for evolution, faith, getting older, and the struggle that is putting together flat pack furniture.

“Sleepytime” and “Baby Race” show some of the more everyday aspects of growing up, like sleeping independently and learning how to walk, all set to beautiful arrangements of classical pieces (Gustav Holst’s “Jupiter” from The Planets and Bach’s “Prelude in C Major,” respectively). And I won’t lie, as a nightmare-prone kid who was super attached to my mom, both of these episodes hit me hard too. I can’t watch either of them without getting a little misty-eyed.

In a more general sense, and regarding different family structures and dynamics, secondary characters like Judo, Winton, and the Terrier brothers are all shown with single parents. Rusty’s dad is in the army and, as a result, away on deployment for long stretches of time. But none of these things are made out to be a show or a spectacle or something bizarre, just a fact of life: different kids come from different backgrounds. I can guarantee that if a same-sex couple were to be introduced, it would be in a way that feels natural, like one of Bluey’s or Bingo’s classmates saying “My mums/dads are here to pick me up!”

Humour and Art-Related Ramblings

The character designs are simple and memorable. They have extremely expressive faces and movements despite being made of basic shapes like rectangles and ovals. The animation is smooth and fluid while embracing the “cartoony-ness” of being a cartoon. Everything is colourful but not to the point where it feels like a rainbow exploded on your screen. The backgrounds are simple, but not TOO simple, and many settings are nods to actual places in and around Brisbane.

Joff Bush and anyone he collaborates with on the soundtrack can convey everything from the beauty of nature to a boring workday via music alone, whether through arrangements of classical and folk music or original pieces. Bush isn’t afraid to use a variety of instruments, from a delicate music box in “Charades” and “Mount Mumandad” to a rambling banjo in “Grandad” and everything in between.

The humour is amazing, especially for children’s media. There are a few jokes that are clearly aimed at the adults in the room, like Bandit’s Polaroid camera going off in “Bob Bilby” when Chilli arrives with her tandem bike, or his discussion with Fido about getting a vasectomy/neutered in the original cut of “Perfect.” Bingo innocently asks Bandit questions about where babies come from in “Takeaway” and “Daddy Putdown,” though he always dodges the questions. “Dad Baby” is all about the struggles of pregnancy from the perspective of Bandit carrying Bingo in an old baby harness and it’s frankly hilarious; despite not being a parent myself, I have a nephew and I’m in that magical spot in my twenties where several of my former classmates are having kids left and right. There are well-timed fart jokes (“Daddy Robot,” “Fairies”) and slapstick moments (“Dad Baby,” “Born Yesterday”).

Conclusion

Bluey is a show that people of all ages can watch and learn from. It has heart, humour, and lovable characters. Its natural conflict resolution teaches its audience to be better people through showing rather than telling. It’s a beautiful show and I’m unashamed to watch it as a childfree adult.

I would like to talk about something. This is gonna be oversharing lol, so don't read if you don't want to.

I don't know if I'm the only one experiencing this, it's kinda weird. It's probably the mix between my maladaptive daydreaming and my autism with a special interest in storytelling...

I have a lot of imagination.

Now, you're probably picturing someone a bit "quirky", daydreaming looking out the window, reading fantasy, doing doodles in their sketchbook or that sort of thing. But not really. My imagination is almost obsessive. It often got me in big trouble.

I have to tell you a bit about my childhood, because that's where it all started, I guess ?

See, the "playing pretend" game ? When I was a kid, my whole life was basically this. I am not joking. My. Whole. Life.

It usually started with a hyperfocus on a fictional character – my specific interest is storytelling, so I alternate phases of hyperfocus on characters / stories I like, it's always been like that.

I asked other children to play pretend with me. I often played it with my cousin and my sister. After a while, the game ended. But for me it wasn't over. Even when the other children were leaving and I was alone. Even when I was talking to people who weren't involved in the game. Even when I was going home, eating, showering, going to bed. And the next day, I was still pretending that I was that character.

And it could last for weeks.

It was obsessive. Really. I had decided that I was that character, and then I couldn't stop. I was constantly imagining things that "overlaid" the real world. The place where I was was actually one of the places in my character's universe. The people around me were other characters. The things that happened in my life were part of this roleplay.

Sometimes it had quite a positive impact. It helped me deal with traumas : it hadn't happened to me, but to my character. The people who bullied me in school were the antagonists, so of course I couldn't believe what they were saying. School, a place strongly linked to my traumas, was not school, but a place where I imagined various settings. It was not even a "real place". My family problems ? It was part of the tragic background of my character, of course. The time I almost died ? It wasn't me, it was the character I was playing at the time. What a thrilling story.

And then simpler things. It entertained me. It made me enjoy being alone. I could easily get qualities that I admired, like being more independent, brave, kind... depending on the character I was playing. I just had to pretend to be them, and I could have any personality I wanted without any effort.

But as I grew up, it became more and more obsessive. There were times when I pretended to be a character for months. Two of them lasted for years. Literally. I am not exaggerating.

In middle school, it was the worst years. I basically alternated between two characters, and each phase lasted for months. I used it to run away from my problems. My life wasn't really my life, it was just a big script, I could change it whenever I wanted, nothing was permanent, just a bunch of made up stories. People weren't who they were, just characters, and it made me stay with toxic people, or believe false things about some persons. At a certain point, I started to mix the real and the game, and I had a terrible chuunibyou phase.

I managed to get out of it, but the return to reality was brutal. I didn't know who I was. I had a terrible identity crisis, especially since right at the same time, I realized that I was trans, aroace and autistic. It was too much.

I was so ashamed that I got carried away like that in my imagination that I supressed everything. All of a sudden, I just... Stopped doing that.

It wasn't until a few years and a depression later that I realized it wasn't a good thing to be deprived of my copying mechanism like that.

I mean... It got out of control, I'm not going to deny that. But before that, it was something that helped me a lot. It helped me to be the person I wanted to be. To understand things about myself through characters I identified with. To not feel alone, to be confident, to feel happy thanks to insignificant things, to better understand the world.

So I tried to do it again but like... Setting boundaries.

Always keep in mind that it's just a game. Never pretend for too long. Clearly define when it's over. Don't let the character's negative emotions influence my emotions, focus on the positive traits ; I can imagine angsty scenarios, but I have to stay as detached from them as possible (usually I use them to cope with situations where I already feel bad, it makes reality less unpleasant). Not letting the script influence how I perceive someone who really exists. Don't do this constantly ; I have to have a real life outside of this. Never start believing my stories are real, not even pretending they are.

And I feel pretty good ? It has become a healthier copying mechanism. It even calms my existential crisis. It makes me feel happy when I have no reason to be. I think knowing I'm autistic helps keep it under control ; in middle school, it had become chuunibyou because I was looking for explanations for my difference, but now I know. I'm more self-aware so I don't deny my traumas anymore.

It's been a pretty long time I started doing it again and it's really stable now. I don't have to deprive myself anymore – it was really hard and scary to stop my imagination over and over for the smallest thing, like... I was still making fake scenarios, but staying in my room, not imagining them in the real world, so I was always in my room, never going outside, and it just became more addictive. It's better when I can do it while living my life, it allows me to exist outside of it.

I just still have to work a bit on being less possessive of the characters I'm hyperfocusing on because often, once I've decided a character is basically me, no one else can have them ^^'

It's like a solo RPG. Am I the only one doing this ? Or is it like... A common copying mechanism and I don't know that ?

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

April 4

Were/are you in special education? Regular school? Home schooled? A private school? Did it change over time? Did/do you like it?

I was in regular school, and now I can finally admit that it was highly traumatizing for me. I felt like I was a "borderline case" who should have just as well been in special education than regular class, despite not having a diagnosis and not knowing I was autistic back then. I'm sure partially that happened because I was "threatened" with special education by someone, as if it was something shameful. Because I was "normal" so I should have acted "normal". But I think it was also because I related to the kids in special education more than I related to my classmates. In after school care in elementary school I always played with kids from special ed. The only friends I felt completely safe with as a small child were those kids. I had less significant misunderstandings with a friend with an intellectual disability and a speech impairment than I had with my classmates. But I never had enough time to spend with those friends for us to become really close, because I was only in the after school care for a year-ish and there were very few opportunities after that, because everything was done with your own class, and kids in special education were in a different building so I couldn't hang out with them between classes either.

I don't have intellectual disability, I always had a spiky skill profile but there wasn't any subject I couldn't pass on my own. I didn't really struggle with school work too much, but I for sure struggled socially. I was bullied and ostrasized by my classmates for a decade, through four different schools, from kindergarten to the end of middle school, which I felt highly ashamed about and did my best to hide until adulthood. I did sometimes try to tell someone but I never called it "bullying", or I downplayed its impact on me, or I said things like "oh but everyone gets bullied". Both because of the shame and because no adult saw it or was able to do anything about it, or cared enough to try, anyway. I felt nothing could be done about it anyway, because I was the reason I was being bullied. I didn't so much think it was "my fault" in a moral sense as I just logically figured out the reason I'm a target must be something in me, because I was still bullied in different schools and different cities, the only common thing in those situations was me, so certainly I had to be the reason.

I had one friend in elementary school who I feel forever indebted to, because she didn't care about what the rest of the class thought about me. She was just so cool and strong and her own person. Everyone wanted to be her friend, but she had decided she liked me so much that even when the other "cool" girls came to tell her how much they wanted to be with her, as long as she wouldn't hang out with me, she told them she would rather be with me than be with them without me. I still think about her strength today with teary eyes. She willingly ostrasized herself from everyone else because of me, and even now it doesn't fit into my head that someone could have cared about me so much. She saved me, without her my only friends would have been the class's stick insects. (They were good friends though.) Without her I probably wouldn't have had the strength to even try to make new friends when I suddenly had to move away.

I had friends in my other schools but none that didn't eventually end up leaving me for reasons I never got to hear. Of course, as is common with autistic people I was also a magnet for manipulative and abusive people, so I got my share of that. Thinking back to it, it seems baffling to me that I never skipped school, it was so much more terrible than I ever would have admitted back then. I think I had one saving key aspect again: my folk dance group. Because it was a really healthy environment centered around a predictable activity, and that's how I was able to make and keep friends there for a much longer time than in the class which was an unstructured social environment and that was brutal to me. I was either completely invisible or I was picked on: who wouldn't choose to be invisible then? I remember it still came as a shock to me when we gathered to watch pictures our teacher had taken of the class in different events and I was barely in any of them.

Anyway, end of middle school was such a shit show that I knew something had to change. That's when I basically learned to mask over the summer and made a real "high school debut". In middle school I still hadn't made much effort to hide my weirdness but in high school I made all the effort. I made sure to enter the new school like a different person. I started wearing makeup, my clothes were nondescript but stylish enough. My role model was Rory Gilmore from the Gilmore Girls because she was loved for being a nerdy little bookworm, because she was cute and girly and weird in an acceptable way. I did master that in high school enough, but the price I paid was of course high... Doing that performance meant I had no close friends for the first year, only aquintances. Sure, no one hated me, which was the goal, but also I didn't reveal anything real about myself to anyone, so how could I have real friends? Eventually I did get real friends through another group activity: drama and art classes. (Most of those friends were probably not neurotypical, so we clicked.) But I still suffered the consequences from masking so much that I had no energy to hang out with anyone after school.

I was so burned out from high school for multiple reasons that I became pretty much a hermit in the beginning of university, but that's beyond the scope of this post, I think.

I think the point of my reflection here is that not only was being in regular school traumatizing for me because allistic students didn't understand autism and bullies saw it as the perfect opportunity to target someone, being in a regular class also routinely prevented me from connecting with neurodivergent students whom it would have benefited my mental health to hang out with. I was trapped in regular class, I had no way out of the environment that was traumatizing for me but no one would notice I was in pain, and no one would believe it even if I tried to tell. My classmates called me "the stone" and I suspect it was at least partially because I didn't react to their bullying in a visible way. And I think all this gets at the the key experience of undiagnosed people, people with invisible disabilities: you cannot access what you need, because people don't have you in the right context.

I couldn’t sleep so I wrote about being autistic, bullying, and dealing with feelings of depression.

Back when I was in sixth form at school my friends would say I was like a 40 year old man in a 17 year old body because I told ‘dad jokes’ and used old slang.

Now I’m 19, and I think the reason I acted like an old guy was just because I wanted to fit in.

Everyone in my friend group had something that made them special.

Then there was me, who didn’t really have anything special about him except for liking Thomas and being the weird kid.

It reminded me of back in primary school and how I was treated back then. A lot of the kids there treated me like some kind of alien. Whenever handing something out they’d avoid me until last. I remember one instance in particular when someone was bringing me paper. The teacher handed it to the kid, and they picked it up by the corner like it was a dirty piece of laundry. Whenever I tried to call these things out, it was dealt with by telling me off, or threats, or just making me look like an outcast. That being said I don’t hold any contempt towards the kids who treated me that way, because they were kids, and they didn’t know better. I’ve kept in fairly close contact with them since ending my time at both primary and secondary school and while I still feel some pain from the bullying, I feel comfort from the fact that they did end up finding their happiness, because I’m sure they were also having a bad time of it, and I was an easy target for it. If anything, this would be a criticism of my school, who instead of teaching the kids doing this to me knew it was wrong instead outcasted me as being weird. And granted one could argue that maybe the teachers simply didn’t know any better like the kids. The difference is the kids didn’t know better because they couldn’t know better; the school didn’t know better, and they should have known better.

So what do I do nowadays? I don’t do much. I go to university and study philosophy, and I hope to one day be a YouTuber, but I’d happily settle for teaching for a stable income. I don’t really go anywhere fantastic or do anything amazing. And I still suffer. No matter how hard I try, I will end up feeling some kind of pain or sadness. And I know it’s unavoidable, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be upset. A lot of the time people say “life isn’t fair” or something like that as a means of cheering people up, but ultimately they’re just cold, bloodless, meaningless words that do nothing but suppress our emotions. Life isn’t fair, so shouldn’t we strive to make it fairer? We’re supposed to evolve, are we not?

There isn’t really a point to all this rambling. It’s incredibly late at night as I write this. I should be asleep, and I can feel my body powering down. So I guess I’ll see you in the morning with my feelings vented.

Don’t forget, you’re loved, you’re important, and you can make a difference, no matter how small it may seem. You will make your impact on this world.

Goodnight.

that last text post got me thinking unfortunately.

i purposefully don’t rb much about fatphobia here because this blog is very much just a little safe space for me to look at my special interests and talk to my friends but i really can’t overstate how being autistic and (perceived as) fat has impacted every aspect of my life. there are so many people who openly hated me on sight and wanted to hurt me just for being a somewhat chubby child/teen with unusual interests for my age. one of my teachers in middle school literally sided with the girls who were bullying me and tried to punish me academically because she decided since her pet students didn’t like me i must have done something to deserve it. she lied to my mother’s face during a parent-teacher conference that i was “disruptive” (i was one of the quietest kids in the class) and that i didn’t make enough of an effort to speak french (i went to a french immersion school, and btw my grades in french directly contradicted what she was saying about me). i think that’s maybe the most disempowered i’ve ever felt in my life. i was thirteen years old and my teacher was fabricating all this bullshit about me in front of my mother just because she’d fallen in line with the mean girls and their personal vendetta against me. thank god my mom didn’t believe her and lodged a complaint with the administration. obviously this one incident doesn’t sum up everything but i feel like it’s really one of the more egregious examples of what i’ve had to live with over the years. fatphobia and ableism nearly killed me as a very young teen (during that school year i experienced my very first episode of depression/suicidal ideation) and i’m still processing that trauma as an adult. 

ahh sorry if this is kinda intruding but i wanted to add my thoughts to your post abt passing as neurotypical. rant following:

i have adhd, and although im unsure if im actually autistic, i do have a lot of overlap w my adhd and i also have other problems like a relatively severe anxiety disorder-- i have inattentive type adhd and ive been masking since a really young age, so we didnt even know i have adhd until fairly recently in the grand scheme of things, which opened my eyes to the reason why i struggled. i struggled (and still do) a lot with homework, focusing, staying on task, but because i present really nt and normal looking and omly struggle when i have no one keeping me on task (like being in a school setting. this was something i realized really impacted me when we had an all remote year.) most people didnt think i needed extra help. and yeah, i am mostly capable on my own, and decently intelligent, but teachers and school staff only cared when it was impacting my school performance. since passing as neurotypical made me appear like a normal, honour roll worthy student, they didnt even wonder if i struggled until my grades tanked during an all remote year, or my separation anxiety spiked during 3rd grade and i left early a lot during the school day. and i guess my point is just, like, it fucking sucks that nd kids who aren't visibly neurodivergent, or function well on their own, are suddenly like..exempt from having help. in 5th grade when i was assigned to the homeroom teacher that often got special ed kids, we were just happy because she was a really nice lady --but secretly i think the school thought i really was special ed, and just didnt have any paperwork, so just to be safe, they put me with an experienced teacher who handles a lot of struggling kids (a precaution made because id had 2 rough years prior). the school seemed really to only bother caring with that once it affected me -- because otherwise i was clearly fine on my own. and i guess partially, like, we just didnt even know i had adhd at the time, but it still sucks a decent deal that all because i looked normal and acted mostly normal, no one even tried doing anything. my brother, when he was a student at the same school, had to be tested for adhd because he struggled with schoolwork -- and then when i came along, (afab), all i was was a good, albeit quiet, student who struggled occasionally.

like. absolutely i think nd folks should be treated as capable -- we totally are! -- but also just. we need help sometimes. and its so sucky that we dont always have access to that, all because we Look Normal. hfhdjfhsh sorry this was really rambly, you dont have to post or answer this ask, i just wanted you to know that like. big agree on your post.

Yeah it's cool don't worry :O!

Seems like we had problems that were similar in some ways but different in others. Like for example, you said your school was pretty sure you needed special ed, whereas my school was the main one insisting that I didn't need it. My parents did agree of course, but you know. Also I was diagnosed with autism when I was 2, so they definitely knew something was up. It was just that later on when I got better at hiding it, they started thinking I didn't need any help. When they saw me struggling, they thought I was just being lazy. I was, up until grade 9, barely passing with my grades, so I guess because I was still technically passing, they didn't seem to think it was anything worth doing something about. I don't even think I present THAT neurotypically, like, I was always bullied for being "weird". But I guess I pass well enough that I was frequently told by adults that I "didn't seem autistic". But yeah, masking is a huge part of it too, which I completely forgot to mention. Masking never completely hid everything for me to be fair (despite my efforts), but I definitely did hide the most autistic parts about myself.

But yeah. I think what went wrong with this line of faux-activism (aside from it Being faux-activism) abled people tried to do was that like... they became afraid of acknowledging that disabled people were still disabled. Like I mean this literally, I remember being told several times that I wasn't disabled, that I was "differently abled". They thought that it was somehow offensive to acknowledge that we struggle with things, due to ableism often being in the opposite direction, saying that disabled people can't do anything. Not to mention, they constantly speak on top of disabled people about their disabilities without even listening to us and think they're helping us by doing so.

Character of the Day #0 (Intro)

Here are the Main Characters for Mae and the Kingdoms of Seasons!

Mae, the Titular Character

Mae is a young adult who struggles with severe anxiety. Because of her anxiety, she is selectively mute, and she can sign. She is adopted, and therefore is an only child which is unusual for Seiki. She has two moms, and is bisexual herself! Her best friend is Dolly, her mentor is Noble, and her partner is Joel.

Asha

Asha is a Seiki from the past era who had a fierce spirit. She swears the most out of any character and doesn't act very "lady-like," which she learned from her strong mother. Sexism was rampant at that time so her disposition was seen as inappropriate  for a girl. However, her outgoing personality made her extremely popular with her peers. She took shit from nobody, and wasn't afraid to speak her mind. When she met Thatcher, he sadly took those qualities out of her. She spent the entirety of her afterlife following her family tree down and searching for a way to make up her past mistakes. She passed down a letter explaining what really happened to Ruben, but nobody in her family took it seriously... until Mae.

Ruben

Ruben was a bright-eyed student who really loved learning. He was an only child just like Mae, except for him it was because his family was extremely poor and the rest of his parents' eggs didn't make it. He's neurodivergent and struggles in social situations, but he just really really wants friends. He's picked on a lot but doesn't often realize that he is, he'll talk to anybody to try and befriend them. He'll often brag about his good grades and intellect as a way to impress people and make them like him, but others usually find him annoying. He wanted to grow up to do something so great that everybody would love him. He's overwhelmed by his own feelings, feeling too happy or too sad burns him out and causes him to shut down. When he starts to feel 'too much' he'll hide his face in his scarf. he studied with the human because he thought it was a great idea and that he was going to help everybody. He never intended things to go so south.. and even when he was reformed he never intended to hurt anybody.

Joel

Joel is Mae's partner, and one of her closet friends! He is pansexual, and completely mute because he was born without vocal chords. He learned how to sign when he was in elementary school thanks to his twin brother, Jeremiah. He grew up in a horribly abusive household, his mother thought that the Gods were punishing her for giving her a mute child. She tried to get him to talk by hurting him, and disapproved of him signing. He has a scar under his headband from his mom, from when she pulled so hard on his antennae that one split open. She would verbally and physically abuse both of her kids as 'punishment' for being 'such a burden to her,' and her husband just went along with it not bothering to stop her. One night, when he was 12, she was so mad that she kicked him out of the house. He only was able to take one of his journals with him and some food scraps and spent a while wandering around the kingdom homeless. Eventually, he stumbled upon an old man who helped him build a small shack to live in. He then found Mae's middle school, and watched the kids go in and out for a few days until a teacher noticed him and brought him in as part of the class. He met Mae when she walked past his house one day, and when he signed to her she signed back. He had never met another person besides his brother that could sign before and he instantly started crushing on her. The two became close friends in high school, and Joel was pining for her hard the entire time. Mae returned his feelings, but they didn't get together until during her big journey. Joel is a writer! He's mainly a poet, but he's been writing ever since he was little and is what he does for his job. He wrote the book "Tales of Kingdoms Past," which was about the other three kingdoms and what they did during the 200 year gap in communication. Joel has serious trauma from his past but denies it. He just wants his mom to love him and believes it's because he wasn't good enough, and was his fault.

Dolly

Dolly is Mae's best friend! They've been super close since they met in kindergarten. Dolly comes from a wealthy, higher-class family that has 5 daughters, her being the oldest in the litter. She's super upbeat and easily excitable, and loves getting to know knew people. She's very popular in her school and is invited to a lot of things, but she always makes sure to spend time with Mae and stick by her side. Dolly's parents are neglectful despite their family's "perfect" appearance. Her dad wanted a son, so he doesn't give them the time of day, and her mother doesn't bother to get to know them and is always away. Her parents usually leave her money and then leave for a couple days. Dolly and her sisters constantly want their mom's attention, but because Dolly was born looking the most like her mom, she's the only one that gets the sliver of attention. This affection is superficial and meaningless, and leaves her feeling empty, but it causes intense jealously between her and her sisters, they don't get along well at all. Her mother always advised her daughters to marry someone rich like she did (which is an indicator of what her parents' relationship is like), and to always appear submissive and weak because guys are 'turned away from powerful women.' Because of this, Dolly always dated higher-class boys her weren't the nicest. Several of them would try to take advantage of her because they knew that her dad didn't care enough to go after them. She'd always break up with them within a few weeks or so, they weren't her type at all but she was only following her mom's advice. Dolly is a very talented seamstress and sketcher, and wanted to own her own boutique one day. However she never thought she could because her mother would tell her women shouldn't work. When she graduated she met Anthony and started dating him, and she was able to be herself around him. The two got married very quickly on a whim, and then immediately after accidentally made a litter of 7 babies.

Anthony

Anthony is Dolly's husband! He's very timid and has a slight stutter. He comes from a notoriously wealthy family that is known for their extremely successful sons. Their family consists of two litters, the first being of 4 boys, Noble being the oldest of them. These are the 4 sons that are so famous. The second litters is of all girls except for Anthony. His sisters are very successful too, but outsiders always forget about Anthony and don't recognize him. He's very smart and loves math, and studied outside of school to become a tax collector for the queen (in this kingdom, taxes are only for the rich). He loves his wife and kids very much, and loves making horrible math puns.

Noble

Noble is the Captain of the Royal Guard! He is also Mae's mentor, and is gay and autistic. He is close friends with Queen Dahlia. He's the strong quiet type, a man of few words. He's strict and knows how to command his men, not somebody you'd want to mess with, He's well respected for his skill and leadership. He was a prodigy, and started learning how to use a sword when he was three. He was mentored by the previous captain of the guard himself, September. When he was in middle school, he was allowed into the guard program early. He lived away from home in the guards quarters from then on. While he was growing up there he figured out he was gay, but the royal guard is generally full of unaccepting people. He worked hard and was chosen to become September's successor, being the kingdom's youngest captain. He values his reputation a lot, and is terrified of people finding out his sexuality. He eventually gets together with Jeremiah, and is outted to the guard by somebody.

Jeremiah

Jeremiah is Joel's older twin! He's quite poor, and lives in a worn down one-room house where he runs his business, "Jeremiah's Shipping and Deliveries." He delivers tools and building materials to those who request it. Jeremiah was the one that was left behind with his mom after Joel left. Growing up, he always tried to act as the tough one and would stand up for his little brother when he was picked on. He's also queer, liking both girls and boys, but heavily denied it. He always picked fights with others that he couldn't win, and was used to getting beat up. When Joel was gone, he became very lonely and even more self-destructive. He became more violent and did horribly in school, he became friends with his pervious bullies and got into a lot of trouble with them. When he was a sophomore his dad left, and he had to deal with his mother by himself. He inherited bipolar disorder from his mother but he doesn't know that. When it came time to graduate he left home and never looked back. He's an alcoholic, he drinks to numb his feelings. He sleeps around with girls all the time, only to feel loved for one night. All these things just leave him feeling worthless and empty. Eventually, he reunited with Joel after seeing the book his brother published. He loves Joel and Mae so much, and is afraid of messing up his relationship with them. He has horrible self-esteem and constantly worries that he only has a bad impact on others. Eventually he meets Noble, who helps him accept himself and starts dating him.

Dahlia

Dahlia is the current reigning queen of the Seiki Kingdom. She's close friends with Noble. It was her controversial decision to send Mae out on her journey, but she was pressured into making a hasty choice by her brother and royal advisor, Cedar. Dahlia is quiet and regal, and tries to keep her emotions to herself. The entire purpose of her birth was to become the next queen, so she never had the chance to be a child. From day one she was taken and raised to be the perfect ruler. She's constantly under the pressure of Cedar, who is mean to her behind closed doors. Later on, Cedar pressures her to make an heir with somebody since she's getting older. She chooses Vincent for that job, but the two actually fall in love and she appoints him as her and her newborns' official doctor so that she gets to see him again.

Thatcher

Thatcher..... is basically the worst person. He is one of the worst villains in this universe. He was Asha's husband in the past era. He's a sociopath and a misogynist, and very rich. He's albino, which makes many see him as unique and attractive. Thatcher is incredibly clever, and nows how to manipulate everyone around him into thinking he's great and can do no harm. In reality, he has a violent mind with dark desires. He's the kinda guy to fantasize about keeping a girl in his basement. He owns an expensive store that sells jewels and holiday items. He met Asha when she was about to leave on her holiday trip. He noticed how loud and outgoing she was, and he thought that it'd be fun to "break/tame" her and force her into the role that he thought a woman should have. He flirted with her that day, but she rejected him. He saw this as part of the fun and proceeded to stalk her for the rest of the day. The entire time she was gone, he never stopped thinking about her and what he wanted to do to her. When she came back in tears after Ruben was "killed," he used that chance to act as her shoulder to cry on and worm his way into her life. They started dating, even though she wasn't very into it. Her mother and her friends encouraged her to marry him because of his status within their community. She did, but once they were married shit hit the fan fast. Thatcher was abusive to her, he'd slowly add onto what he could get away with. He'd pressure her into intimacy, and eventually would force himself onto her. He wanted kids, so he forced her to have his. She tried avoiding it for a while by using contraception without his knowledge, but when he found out he started getting physically abusive. Eventually, Asha became a shell of who she once was. Thatcher succeeded in breaking her, her fighting spirit was gone and she was quiet and numb. When their kids were four, Asha took her own life. Thatcher had pushed her too far. The loss of his wife was Thatcher's biggest regret, he couldn't take that back. But to him it wasn't the loss of his love, it was the loss of his favorite toy. He tried to regain his pride by manipulating his kids into believing that their mother passed because she didn't love them.

Verity

Verity is the current reigning queen of the Kitsuga kingdom! She was a strong warrior and leader, but her life was changed forever when the plague attacked. When Ruben's plague got to her kingdom, it killed many of the Kitsuga warriors, including her husband and the king, Clay. Her two kids Sato and Mana managed to hide, but many other Kitsuga were injured. Her son, Sato, decided to cocoon early to get his wings and encouraged many of his young peers to do so as well so that they could be more useful to the kingdom when they emerge. Verity is not silent most of the time, and just stands watching the kingdom from her den. She's still grieving the loss of her husband. She treated Mae like her own daughter, and was the one that taught her Mae's signature dive-bomb technique.

Marvin

Marvin is a Hachitsu, he's an inventor! He's autistic, asexual, and aromantic. He loves loves tinkering with machinery, coming up with ideas, and making friends. He's super passionate about his work and showing people what he does, but he sometimes is oblivious to social cues and accidentally  oversteps some boundaries. He's broke, and can just barely afford the rent on the garage he lives in. He bakes in his free time and sells his pastries to get a smidge of income. His sister, Pamela, is the only sibling that visits him regularly and makes sure he's taking care of himself. He's the only one in his family without a "real job," so his siblings and parents think that he's a disappointment. He met Mae when she came to the kingdom and was wandering around lost, unsure why people were ignoring her/acting rude (she was flying, and since the Hachitsu can't fly its considered rude to fly in their kingdom instead of using the stairs and pulleys). He saw this as an opportunity to finally make some money and made her pay for him to show her around. He ended up giving her her money back after she saved him when the plague attacked the Hachitsu, and the two became close friends. The two remain pen pals! Marvin's dream was to create an invention that would finally allow the Hachitsu to fly, he spent months trying to get the design right, and he just finally succeeded in creating a glider.

Charlotte

Charlotte is the current President of the Hachitsu kingdom, and she has been since she was 14 (Hachistu can run as many times as they like). She is the daughter of the previous president, who passed away when she was 14. Her mother encouraged her to become the next leader in her place. Her mother was killed by wasps, which gave Charlotte an intense fear of wasps ever since. She really loves bees! Bees are like dogs to them, they're dangerous to all other forest spirit species except for the Hachitsu, their bee-like colors and pheromones let them exist harmoniously with wild bees. Domestic bees are nice to everybody, regardless of species. She had several guard bees that she loved dearly, when the plague came, infected wasps came after her. Her bees gave their lives to protect her by fighting them off, but became part of the plague themselves. Charlotte is bisexual, but not very interested in dating. She's outspoken and very confident in herself, she's been runnin' this job for a long time and she believes she knows what she's doing.

Bel

Bel is an elderly Kameshi. He's the first and only Kameshi Mae ever met during her journey, although she does meet more later on in life. During the 200 year gap, the Kameshi kingdom had a civil way that led to its destruction. Now, the kingdom is just ruins, and Kameshi live on their own scattered across the forest. He lives in a cave near the remains of the cabin, and often goes through it to find human items. He's a collector of human things, and his cave is littered with various human objects. His scarf is made of a green cloth and thread that he found in the dirt near the cabin, and is actually where Mae's needle came from! When Mae found her needle it was attached to a green thread, it was the very same one. Bel approached Mae because he noticed the needle on her back, and he wanted to get a better look. Bel is everyone's grandpa, he ofc treats Mae like his own granddaughter and is protective of her. He was the one that encouraged her to look inside the cabin to help with her journey. Mae came to visit him over a year later with Joel, and Bel didn't like Joel much sbhjdshsdshd simply because he was "dating" Mae (they were already married at that point lmao). He had also adopted an orphaned 5-year old Kameshi girl who he named Scamp. He gets his own arc later on in the series when he finds a hidden village of Kameshi, and he reunites with his past love, Tuft.

Analysis - Shulk is Autistic

I headcanon Shulk as autistic. It was something I picked up on early in the game when I first played it, and I really liked how it was handled throughout the game. So I thought I’d write something about Shulk and the many autistic traits he shows. Big, long discussion under the cut.

Special Interests

Shulk is highly intelligent as well as possibly an engineering or science savant. he’s working on weapons for the defense force at 18, but it’s implied he’s been interested in it for a long time. He knows specific names and types of mechon, how to operate machinery, how to build multiple types of weapons, etc.

Others comment on his capacity to hyperfixate and even he admits he does it a lot.

And his attachment to the Monado is Very special interest-like. His whole attention goes to it if it’s brought up in the conversation. Let Him Infodump

Although he’s been struggling a bit in the encounter, Shulk suddenly gets really excited when there’s Monado info to be had, and he disregards Alvis’s personal space without noticing the way the other backs up and looks surprised. (Alvis laughs once he sees it’s just enthusiasm)

And this!!!!

I’m not sure if there’s a technical term for this, but it’s definitely something autistic people do. Sharing a special interest with someone is an expression of love! It’s kind of a “I love you therefore I will give/show you this thing I love”. Similar to an autistic person handing their comfort item to a loved one when the loved one is upset.

Unexplained “Delicateness”

There are several times Shulk is called things like “delicate” and “frail”, with emphasis being placed on Fiora and Reyn protecting and looking after Shulk.

But the game never actually tells us why they act like this with him.

Both of them are very protective of Shulk and have known him most of their lives. From Reyn’s comment it sounds like bullying was a problem for Shulk when he was younger. Autistic kids are a common target for bullying. They usually have a lot of trouble fitting in with peers, and may be rejected altogether. On the other hand, they may be mothered by close friends, and it seems like Reyn and Fiora are continuing to do this now that the trio have become adults. Reyn insists Shulk stay where he can keep an eye on him. Fiora tells Reyn (with Shulk standing right there with them) she’s afraid he would get hurt if he went with Reyn to Tephra Cave.

We only see a bit of their daily life before the action kicks off, so it feels significant this is what they chose to focus on in the first few scenes. It’s wanting to highlight that Shulk is having his agency diminished by his friends despite insisting he can take care of himself. So like... why? I would think saying he’s delicate would be some comment on his health or strength, but a lack of strength doesn’t... really seem to be the only thing? Shulk holds his own in the early game battles well enough, even if his HP isn’t great. And that’s before he’s ever got the Monado. Notice in the Reyn’s second quote there, “frail” is actually more a comment on Shulk emotionally and not physically.

Bonus: this little quest dialogue between Fiora and Reyn.

Well... you know what might make an impact? If he’s autistic, his fine motor skills may not be great, his reaction time could be bad, and he could be prone to not picking up on danger because he’s absorbed in whatever he’s doing. And if he were alone and got attacked while overstimulated or having a meltdown, he could be in a lot of danger. We literally see a situation similar to this happen- Shulk freezes and panics when attacked by the krabble in his very first scene. “Delicate” or “frail” could refer to him being easily overwhelmed, or having poor emotional regulation and therefore easy to upset or rile up- and he is easy to rile up.

Scripting

Shulk is pretty verbal for the most part but there are a couple of instances where scripting seems to come up.

When he first meets Alvis, Shulk has been walking around by himself looking for ether crystals. Since he insisted on going alone, he may have just needed some time alone to decompress.

(which, during downtime, he is usually seen sitting away from other people for probably the same reason)

He doesn’t expect anyone to be out in the forest, so he doesn’t have anything prepared to say. So when Alvis shows up out of nowhere, Shulk seems briefly lost for words. He stumbles over a hello and it takes a few awkward silences where he’s groping for words before he’s able to latch onto the script he needs.

And here when he sees the vision of Juju, when asked what’s wrong, Shulk is distressed and repeats what he just said without adding any information. He’s trying to communicate something is wrong with Juju but it takes him a few moments to be able to articulate it.

Also, this? Could just be me, but this bit when he’s talking to Sorean comes off as something that he’s rehearsed. Like, “Unfamiliar person and unfamiliar social situation and I want to make sure I say the Right Thing”. No proof, that’s just how it feels to me

Empathy and Theory of Mind

Ah, this scene. Full of gems.

Not to mention his “you’re not hurt, are you?” remark.

Autistic people can have either very high empathy or very low empathy, and may have a theory of mind that did not develop fully. Theory of Mind basically refers to a person’s ability to know that other people have different feelings, desires, and knowledge than they do. Shulk has plenty of compassion and loves other people, but he does seem to struggle with understanding them sometimes. In this case, Shulk knew that Fiora wasn’t in any danger, so he doesn’t understand why Fiora is so upset. To him, its obvious why he was more worried about the machine. Thus there’s some miscommunication and hurt feelings here. She’s upset he isn’t concerned about her, and he doesn’t understand why she’s upset in the first place.

And it’s not the only time he doesn’t really understand someone else’s point of view. For example, Shulk and Fiora’s conversation when they reunite.

It also dips into black and white thinking here. Shulk hasn’t considered why Meyneth was using Fiora’s body and makes the assumption she took it by force, and Fiora responds that she might not be totally to blame, that it isn’t as black and white of a situation as he’s making it out to be.

This also comes up when the party is taking a break in Mechonis Field.

Shulk offers to make Sharla a new rifle when he sees her struggling with Gadolt’s. First of all this seems to be one of the ways he shows he cares about people- he made Reyn the scrap driver, and I think he builds another driver in an optional quest later in the game. Sharla wants to continue using Gadolt’s rifle for sentimental reasons and turns down his offer. Reyn tries to explain this to Shulk, but he only responds with “I suppose so” and drops the subject. It really doesn’t seem like he understood her reasons, but he wasn’t going to push it either.

Not “Reading the Room”

Shulk’s also pretty oblivious to Melia being snippy and not wanting to talk about her situation, but him pushing that boundary wanting to know what happened actually ends in them teaming up. He continues to ask despite all cues that she doesn’t want to talk.  Also, on the subject of Melia, in seeing him stumble over words she progresses from being impatient and saying she’ll need the nopon chief to interpret -> knowing him better, patiently letting him to find words, when he drops trying to talk she just says “you’re a funny one :)” - funny as in she doesn’t always understand why he acts the way he does; despite not being close to lots of people or knowing many homs she seems to pick up on that there’s something different about him

Shulk himself even admits he doesn’t know when to talk and when not to. All the heart to hearts have loss dialogue options, but Shulk’s got some particularly unfortunate ones.

Knowing what’s appropriate (and when) is Hard for autistic people. He may have seen someone joke to cheer a friend up before, and is trying to mirror that, but it isn’t the right time when Melia has just lost her friends.

There’s also a heart to heart between Shulk and Fiora where he completely misses that Fiora wants to spend some time alone with him.

And he doesn’t easily pick up on Reyn joking with him, instead taking it literally and feeling attacked.

Then there’s the heart to heart between him and Riki where Shulk talks about not having a family to come home to.

Shulk gets emotional when Riki directly asks him to join his family. It’s not that Shulk hasn’t been loved, and hasn’t had a family- Fiora, Reyn, Dunban, and Dickson have been with him most of his life, and Dunban and Dickson did a lot to raise him. I think it’s safe to say they think of him as family, but it sounds like no one ever told him that directly. And if it was implied instead of them expressing that to him verbally, he never picked up on it and always thought nobody cared about him like family. I’m sad.

Under/Over Sensitivity

Shulk doesn’t outwardly show many sensory issues, but there are some little facts about his eating we pick up along the way.

There’s a couple of remarks about Shulk’s sense of taste, and what none of the characters may realize is that he could very well have an hyposensitive sense of taste. In a quest vision about getting Nopo’rikh ten death lychees, Shulk says,

?????? Those visions are always of getting the last collectible for the quest.. so they should have ten at that point. Why would Shulk be imagining what they would smell like if he has all ten? If his sense of taste is pretty hyposensitive, he may have trouble smelling too.

So then, why doesn’t he like vegetables? The heart to heart doesn’t specify he hates the taste of vegetables, just that he doesn’t like them. In my own experience, I hate vegetables not because of their taste, but because of their texture. And Shulk may be the same.

I may add more if I think of anything else

But anyway Shulk is a wonderful autistic protag who is loved and valued by his friends and I just love the way he’s written

goodnight

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened.  Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

Okay, so I watched Wizards in one sitting yesterday and inspired by this (https://misssilencewritewell.tumblr.com/post/625957725805953024/overall-review-of-wizards-spoiler-warning-this) post I'd like to write down what I thought about it.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

First of all I get it. Tales of Arcadia is mainly meant as a kids show. But Douxie is 900 years old and still behaves like an immature teenager? (Also since when? In Trollhunters he was cool. A little too emo, but never seemed immature and goofy.) And if users of magic don't age, why is Merlin so old then? Anyway, here I would have needed more world building. Did he have to live through 9 centuries of puberty and is still a slave to hormones??? (Not to mention that even that is a cliche and most normal teenagers are more mature.)

Okay, next. What is it with Camelot in 12th century? Yes, that's where the legend was written down. (Though there is debate if there wouldn't be older historical sources.) But Camelot is commonly places somewhere roughly at the end of the Roman Empire and the beginning of medieval times, so somewhen around 6th century.

Which brings me to changelings. Didn't Trollhunters say something about changelings being millenia old? If Morgana built them, they can only be around for 900 years. And how could the good trolls call Jim an impure if those weren't yet 'invented'? (Or was that a translation mistake? Only watched Wizards in German yet.) And why didn't we learn how changelings were created? That would have been so extremely interesting.

On to the next thing: Why is Steve around? Does anyone not find him annoying? He's not funny and never has been. It's good that he got his redemption from being a bully (though he never apologised), but he doesn't really add to anything.

And now time travel: What the heck? They already changed the time by putting medieval Douxie under. And they continued to change it. Why the hell not changing it for good, then, working towards making sure Morgana and Arthur never fought? Okay, that would have been annoying, changing EVERYTHING that had happened until now, but better than what they did now. Also, why don't we see what has changed in the story so far? Aaarrrgh didn't fight for the Gum-Gums at Killahead this time around. Merlin and Morgana did fight, but at a completely different place. And who knows what else had changed and had impacts on the future that is our first part of the trilogy?

Going on. What's with the arcade order (right name? Again, only watched in German yet)? Why are they so stuck on their opinion, why did we never hear of them before, where did they get their power, what species are they from, and why would they force their own friend into something she doesn't want? More information, please!!!! I don't have the feeling that I understand what's going on at all. I mean, I understand right now they're the bad guys. But what is their motive? (Destroying mankind, yeah, but why? And why don't they stop and try to see if bargaining works as well? Or give tasks to see if mankind is worth the struggle?) This makes no sense to me.

Okay, final point, and admittedly the least. But... Didn't they see how much fans seem to love Strickler? And how much fans want to know how THAT storyline went on? We couldn't have seen Strickler in the past, that I know. He'd have known too much and that would've changed the time too badly. But he could've appeared in the show down in our time. A reunion with Morgana who's sorry she used changelings and didn't value them? Or him having found a job at hex tech, as he's probably still good at using magic?

And what about Barbara? Shouldn't we at least get a shot of her getting her son back. (Though I'm a little angry at that because at first in Trollhunters her reaction reminded me of all those parents of autistic kids moaning that they want 'their children back' and implicating that the kid they have now is less. Less lovable, less to want, less everything. I would have wanted her and Troll! Jim to show that a child that's now a little different is NOT less.) Still, we would have needed Barbara and Strickler at least for the end of all this. (Heck, I need a Stricklake slice of life show, I'm too tired of all this epic battle stuff. That's been overused. We need slow and cute and unepic fantasy stories so badly.)

Summary:

I like the idea they had, but most of it doesn't make sense to me. I don't know if it would've worked if they had just put more time (episodes) into world and character building. Maybe. But some of the points that itch me would have needed deeper changes. It has a lot of potential, but it could have been better. Way better.

Oh, but I love Archie. And not just because in German he has the same dubbing voice as Johnny Depp.

TV show and book characters that made me who I am today:

Don't ask what brought this on. I might be losing my mind in quarantine.

Faith Lehane: BTVS

Faith Legane is a little unconventional I know, but when I first saw her on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, something about her made and impact on me as a kid. Because I have never been a hero type. I have never found being good and always doing the right thing to be easy or natural for me. I was at a time in my life when I was starting to give up on humanity as a whole. I had seen how cruel and unkind people could be in the forms of discrimination and ignorance. I could definitely say that I was slipping into apathy by the age of eight. And as much as I loved BTVS as a show and did like Buffy as a character, I was kind of over the whole chosen hero, saving humanity kind of thing. I just really didn't see the point, and Faith felt the same way. She had seen too much ugly from the world when she was younger and she just couldn't deal with it any more so she shut down. Until Angel came into the picture and helped her confront her demons (metaphorically). Faith's redemption arch was huge for me for a number of reasons. The fact that Angel believed in her and never gave up on her gave me hope. It also showed me that in terms of recovery, self discovery, and redemption, it isn't about them. It isn't about the world or trying to do better for them. It's about you. In the immortal words of Angel himself, "if nothing we do really matters, then all that matters is what we do."

Carmilla Karnstien: Carmilla

Carm is pretty similar to Faith, so my reasons for her are pretty similar. But Carmila is also a lesbian which was huge for me when I first watched the web series, and it still is. Watching a sassy, brooding, sarcastic lesbian on screen for the first time was amazing. I love Carm for showing me that it's ok to not really be a people person and it's ok to be a little gloomy. You still deserve an amazing love story.

Even Bech Næsheim: and all the Evan remakes: Skam

This one will always hurt for me. But it's kind of a good hurt. Now if you're wondering why I didn't put all of the versions of this character on this list, or why I chose Even over others, it's because he was the first. Even is the OG and the first version of this character that I saw. Even stuck with me because of his light. His charming, happy, charismatic personality in the face of mental illness. He doesn't let his bipolar define him, he is so much more than that, and he has taught me so many valuable life lessons. Minute by minute in every language. Even makes me feel less alone.

Lola Lecomte: Skam France

Lola is one of those characters that makes you feel like you're staring in a mirror. Her struggles with depression and self harm mirror my own. She doesn't always do the right thing but she is always trying to be better and to get better.

Tiberius Blackthorn: The Dark Artifices

So I think I've already made my reasons for loving Ty quite obvious. But aside from the autistic representation part, I genuinely love his character. I love how he is genuinely kind and sees the best in people. He loves animals and finds so much beauty and fascination in the world. Ty is essentially what I was like when I was younger before years of bullying and internalized ableism destroyed me. Ty is teaching me how to love myself again and be proud of who I am.

Lexa: The 100

I'm still bitter about Lexa. She came before Carmilla so she was my first powerful, iconic lesbian character. I admired her a lot and I still do. The way she overcame her fears and insecurities after losing Costia and let herself care about Clarke proved that letting yourself fall in love isn't weak. It's the exact opposite. When she was killed off in such a tasteless way, it shook me. That was the first queer character that I loved that I also saw die. And it would not be the last.

Magnus Lightwood-Bane: TSC

Maybe I don't have a leg to stand on because I am neither mlm nor a moc. But I love Magnus because I love his strength and his perseverance. It inspires me. I also love his humor and his wit. He refuses to let centuries of bad experiences taint him. He will always be the Magnificent Magnus. Freewheeling bisexual, glitter warlock, badass motherfucker. And I will always love him.

When you’re a teacher, refusing to help bullied kids is child neglect, often involves gaslighting/victim blaming, and is traumatising for the kid

Bullying is a traumatising situation. If a child is in your care, and you know that they’re going through something traumatising, you have a duty to attempt to help them.

If a child reports bullying and you brush them off, accuse them of lying, or suggest that they change their behaviour/appearance/whatever the bully is targeting them for instead of attempting to deal with the situation, that tells the child that they deserve the bullying. It also makes it more difficult for them to trust adults, especially teachers, in the future.

When I was in year 7, I was being bullied by a girl in my class. The bullying was both verbal and physical. I told my year advisor, because in my school it was generally accepted and taught that she was the person you should tell. I told her on several occasions, in fact, because none of these attempts seriously stopped the problem. It was years ago so I might be forgetting some incidents, and they’re probably not in chronological order, but these were her responses:

-At first she organised meetings to get us to sort out our differences, completely ignoring me when I tried to explain to her that I was ignoring the bully as much as I could and it wasn’t a two-way issue

-When she finally realised it was actually bullying, she changed our “groups”. “Groups” at my school were a thing where the year 7 & 8 kids had the sit with the same four people in every class to “help us make friends” which is a stupid system but whatevs. Anyway, she changed it so that she wasn’t obligated to sit with me anymore, but still could if she chose to. In doing so, the year advisor put me in a position where if the bully sat with me, I couldn’t move because I had to sit with my group.

-She told me to tell the classroom teachers repeatedly, despite my protests that (1) the classroom teachers weren’t taking it much more seriously than she was, and (2) they might be able to stop it for a few minutes or even the rest of the lesson, but they didn’t have the power to do anything long-term.

-Related to the above point, she initially refused to believe me when I said she was bullying me in class time because “you’re supposed to be in class in class time”. Like, newsflash, the classroom doesn’t stop her from bullying me.

-At least once she said she would talk to the bully. I was overjoyed, especially when the bully was called out of class, but ... nothing happened. Presumably either she denied the entire bullying (and the year advisor believed her, which is just dickish), or she pretended she had genuine intentions to stop and got off with a warning. This was purely a verbal lecture, no suspensions, no detentions,  likely not even threats of future punishments. No other action was taken until I fought back months later, at which point we were both suspended, but I don’t want to talk about that.

-At one point I broke down crying because it had been continuing for months and she hadn’t stopped it, at which point she forced me to talk to the counselor to work out ways to deal with my emotions. She made no attempts to get me to see the counselor about it again, so it’s clear that she wasn’t trying to look after my mental health. She just wanted to make it seem that the problem was “girl blames year advisor for her own inability to cope with emotions” and not “year advisor refuses to help bullied child”

-And, the thing that really takes the cake: She told me to get a thicker skin. I came in, to politely ask her if she could maybe do something about the bullying problem she had been fully aware of for several months because it had now gotten physical, and she told me to get a thicker skin.

The way she brushed me off hurt me as badly as the bullying itself. I felt ignored and dismissed by the people who were supposed to be responsible for my safety. I felt like I deserved the bullying. 

Now I’m at a different school, with different teachers. My year advisor is literally the best teacher in the world, I trust her enough that I volunteer to help her demonstrate things in class, and I feel like I could talk to her if I had a problem.

I’m being bullied again, in a totally different situation -- it’s several people in my year group instead of one person, it’s mostly social/verbal instead of physical, and despite justifiably feeling attacked and uncomfortable in class, I don’t feel scared for my physical safety. This has been continuing for slightly over a week, and I haven’t made any attempt whatsoever to tell a teacher.

It’s not that I’m scared to tell people, because I’ve told my mother and several of my school friends, many of which are in positions of power (the school’s equivelant to prefects/the SRC). The problem is that SRC kids/prefects don’t actually have that much power, and none of them are able to help me without getting a teacher involved.

And the thing is, I trust my year advisor. I genuinely feel like, if I told her about this, she would do everything in her power to help me. But I’m finding it incredibly difficult to talk to her, and part of the reason is that I have that fear left over from what happened in year 7.

Also something to keep in mind is that bullies WILL bully you more if you “snitch” on them. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell an adult, because if the adults are competent and moral people then they will do what they can to stop it. But if you’re in a situation like I was in where the adults do nothing, then you will experience all the added stigma/consequences of being a “snitch” without actually having the problem solved.

Combine that with having a fear of teachers due to past trauma, as well as social anxiety and autism that make any interactions difficult, and I’m left feeling like telling a teacher will take a huge amount of emotional effort, make my current situation worse, and not actually help in the long run.

(BTW, I’m not asking for advice for my current situation. I’m not trying to make you feel like you should help me, I just included my story so people would understand how this impacts kids)

Refusing to help a bullied child is traumatising in and of itself, and is traumatising even without the added consequence of the child being forced to stay in the traumatising bullying situation. 

As teachers, you have both a moral and legal duty to protect these kids. Allowing kids to be traumatised in your care is neglect. Telling traumatised kids that they “need to grow a thicker skin” or making them think it’s not a big deal is gaslighting and victim blaming. Teachers that do this should be fired.

And before teachers try to argue that “well I can’t read minds” and “the kids need to tell me if somethings going on”: Well, first of all, they don’t. If you don’t know, then that’s not your fault. But if you can see a problem in your classroom, you should make an effort to ask the kid who seems to be the victim if it’s bullying (you should ask because it may just be part of a game they’re playing, but don’t ask the possible bullies, because they’ll obviously lie to protect themselves). Refusing to take action until kids tell you themselves (which can be extremely difficult if they have social anxiety, and they’re more likely to have social anxiety if they’re bullied, or if they’re autistic, which makes them more likely to be targeted by bullies) is holding their needs hostage.

But if you’re genuinely not aware of the problems -- either because you rarely/never have the kids in your actual classroom, or they’re careeful to only do it when your back is turned -- then congrats! This post isn’t about you. This post is about teachers who outright refuse to help bullying victims in ways that are almost always child neglect and often have elements of gaslighting or victim blaming. 

going back and trying to unpack talking about middle school/high school “bullying” (not an adequate word but w/e) stuff is so complicated. really glad as i’ve grown older and evolved as a person i’ve more consciously realized the inner depths of other people and applied that to this context in recognizing how so many of my peers at that time were going through stuff too. and also i can’t center myself as the victim in everything when i definitely have moments i can think back to and feel so much regret for contributing to bigotry other peers faced even if i’d like to think i was never actively malicious or a total bystander compared to other people i and others were hurt by. and its good even if personally weird sometimes to see some of the people who contributed to that getting better and more compassionate politics. in some way all that makes it easier to not directly dwell on this stuff i dont directly think about high school much anymore, understanding some of those people and seeing how some of them have improved since does mean something to me. but its still weird because none of that really does anything to untangle how all that warped me through my life (thats not the only thing that contributed to stuff but its there tho) so i just kinda feel really numb about it. i started having memory problems with certain parts of high school literally even right before i graduated and i just never really feel like i want to try to dig in to that. its really alien to me the idea that some people live in a context where they can regularly interact with friends from high school (i love my best friend who went to my same hs i’d love to see her more dont get me wrong though) or be reminded of high school and not have it be a whole ordeal that automatically puts them back into a really weird space

i think maybe i’m proud of myself and the role i’ve played for others who’ve reached out to me throughout the years as to my knowledge the first kid to be openly lgbt in my grade back in middle school (and very gnc even before that), dealing with how people treated me for being autistic forever but even being open about that label once i was 15 onwards, and even if i had plenty of goofy (and way too argumentative lol) moments in being one of the few people i knew throughout high school who called themself a communist i’m glad i spoke up on a lot of those basic principles i still share as a communist who now knows much more than i did then but realizes i know much less than i’d like to

like yeah its kinda weird realizing stuff like one panic attack i had in the 8th grade from people saying homophobic stuff right behind my back as if i couldnt hear 2 out of 3 of the people involved in that conversation have since come out themselves, but i guess even if the compounded impact of all situations like that is still there i can be less hung up on that specific circumstance i still remember. we all had a lot we were being fed and a lot to work through and maybe my presence in the open then couldve helped them through that. even if not them specifically i know theres something to the people that have reached out to me both in those years and even years since i’ve been in that school environment asking for support or resources on lgbt stuff. and seeing people become leftists too feels really good, even if i feel i don’t have much to offer and i feel so humbled when people reach out to me about that stuff because i know i can’t ride off of being ahead of them in when i started calling myself a communist anymore i have so much more to learn so much i need to read i want to be so much more involved with organizing and learning in that process

Alexocution: Will You Use My Spine?

Post about me having autism.

I remember my mom telling me that I have Asberger's some number of years ago. Asperger's, also known as Asperger syndrome, is a mild "autism spectrum disorder", which means that its subjects(?) are a bit atypical but can generally function in normal society. My mom had also told me I was autistic in general at various points in my life, and I would either disregard this or determine that if I was autistic I was not very high on the spectrum. Her reasoning for my autism, from what I remember, was that, as a child, I would meticulously arrange my toy cars in rows. There might've been more to what she believed about it but this is what stuck with me. I was also a weird and nerdy kid, spent a lot of time drawing or reading or playing video games and very little doing outside stuff or playing with other kids, and generally lacked social skills. Even so, I tended to think of myself as simply "weird". Later on I decided I probably am somewhere on the autism spectrum, but I didn't think any further than that.

Earlier this year, Jasmine showed me something. I don't remember if it was a video or article, but something in this piece of media set me down on a train of thought that led to me thinking more about how some things in my life make a lot of sense if you consider me to be autistic. Specifically, the thing I realized was that I have trouble listening to people, especially when there are other people talking. Whenever Jasmine and I were at a party or social thing with more than a few people (by the way, she's the one with almost all the friends in our relationship), I would pretty much never be able to understand the entirety of a conversation I'm ostensibly participating in. I say ostensibly because I very rarely can think of anything to say in a given conversation. If the music or background crowd is loud enough, I'm essentially just sitting there watching people move their mouths at each other. I chalked this up to me having bad hearing, as I would also have trouble sleeping because of tinnitus, but after I saw an ear doctor and got my ears cleaned, I realized that I still had trouble listening to people.

Not liking crowds is an oft-cited symptom of autism, and I certainly at least fit that. When I'm around a lot of people, I feel extremely anxious, and it's not just because I can't understand what people are saying, but I can't articulate the feeling without experiencing it (and even then I'm not sure if I could). This anxiety, coupled with me not having anything to say and not always understanding people, led me to generally avoid social situations whenever possible as I was growing up. I should note, however, that I don't think it was the sole reason.

I learned to be self-conscious about a lot of things as a kid: being quiet, being skinny, being smart, and being of Asian descent (I'm also partly Hispanic, but pretty much no one could tell). The worst physical bullying I endured in school was someone pushing me to the ground--I never got beat up or anything--but I got teased and made fun of a lot up until high school for the reasons I mentioned. For a long time I assumed that this, as well as my abusive father, was the reason I ended up the way I am. Now I think that that's only part of it.

In high school I attended a "highly gifted magnet" program, which required that the students do some intelligence test I don't remember. I had always found that I didn't really fit in in elementary and middle school, and it seemed that the same was true of high school. People were generally friendly to me, at least at first, and I liked that they were more mature than the middle schoolers I was used to, but I still didn't really make friends. I hung out with them when they formed their little groups, almost never saying anything and rarely really understanding what they were talking about. This, I determined, was because I had built up a vast reservoir of ignorance in my middle school years. You see, I went to four different middle schools because my family was moving around in that period, and none of them were magnet schools. So when I suddenly jumped into this program, I had a lot of catching up to do.

So I was, from my perspective of their perspective, the ignorant new guy (I also entered my first year there late) who just creepily stood at the edge of social groups and sometimes wrote funny things they said. And that's fair, I was pretty creepy I think, but it didn't quite explain a few things I noticed in years-later retrospect. Namely that people assumed I wouldn't understand things.

I remember several instances of someone avoiding telling me a joke or explaining what their shirt meant, because I "wouldn't get it". But I would later hear the joke from a distance, or realize what the shirt meant, and I would get it just fine. After that point earlier this year when I thought about me being autistic, I reflected back on these moments in high school and thought to myself, "Did they think I was autistic (or more autistic than I really am)?" Because years later, I think I probably am to some degree, and I wonder if that was already the conclusion those high schoolers came to back then.

Of course, I should point out that Jasmine, my wife, was someone I met in high school, and she never intimated to me that she thought I was autistic to any obvious degree. When I came to that conclusion earlier this year, what she said basically had the impact of, "Oh, maybe, but if you are it's just a little." Jasmine's also pretty weird, so maybe my weirdness only ever struck her as a little weird. But probably those high schoolers just didn't like me.

So essentially what I concluded is I'm probably a little autistic, because a lot of little things in my life make sense with that in mind--the most notable being: auditory processing issues, sensitivity to clothes tags/buttons/embroidery, weak social intelligence, atypical interests, and a frustrating tendency to just do things wrong.