na is a cult ....

The 12 Fucking Steps

Step 1: I’m fucked

Step 2: There might be a way out of this fucking mess

Step 3: Decide to level the fuck up

Step 4: Take a good hard look at how fucked up I am

Step 5: Tell someone else about all the fucked up stuff I’ve been through

Step 6: Prepare to stop being such a fuck up

Step 7: Try to stop acting so fucked up

Step 8: Make a list of everyone I fucked over

Step 9: Swallow my fucking pride and tell them I really fucked up, except when doing so would fuck them harder.

Step 10: Keep an eye on my fucked up thinking and behavior

Step 11: Chill the fuck out sometimes

Step 12: Help the next poor fucker that walks through the door

Proud to say I’m almost a week sober from all drugs for the first time in seven years. 💜

I am at the milestone of seven months sober and doing music more than ever before life's great

Sober pt.2

On 15th Jan 2022 I posted on here saying I wanted to be completely sober by the end of the year… and last week I got my 1 year sobriety chip from my amazing AA group 🥹

Deciding to go to AA has genuinely become one of the best parts of my week now. It's nothing like u see on tv, they're the most wonderful ppl that share stories that leave me feeling so less alone in this world.

It’s funny bc I always wanted to go to AA meetings but I felt like I wasn’t “enough of an addict” but I bought Russel Brands recovery book and read how he talked about “switching one addiction for another just to escape from it all”, and I was like holy sh*t that’s me!! whether it’s drink, drugs, food, sex etc anything to just escape from the pain of this reality.

so I went to my first meeting last year and they welcomed me with open arms and the more ppl I meet and the more stories I hear, the more I relate to everyone, and it really has changed my perspective on life. I’m just so grateful the universe directed me here and for the first time ever I’m happy to be alive.

Life ain’t easy and I had a bad week last week and I felt hopeless again. But I went to a meeting today and someone shared almost exactly how I felt, sharing raw emotions and the pain they felt. It was met with so much advice, amazing advice, that ppl give bc they care and understand how it feels. At the end of the day we are spiritual beings borrowing this human body and connecting through energy. We are stronger together. The energy is stronger together and there IS hope for when things get bad.

I no longer feel the need to escape from reality, but I know I am not “cured” and this feeling can come back again but I’m trying my best and that’s all we can really ask for, isn’t it?

Today I’m feeling blessed. 🫶

blood thirsty

Drinking about 3.5 drinks a day doubles or even triples your risk of developing cancer of the mouth, pharynx, larynx and esophagus.

Sobriety Journal: Day 2

I have slipped in my sobriety journey the last month or two. I've not been weekend binge drinking (which is why I stopped before, I've never been a daily drinker) but I have been having 1-3 drinks in most social situations. I thought this might be my happiest state; just indulging a little every now and then. Leaving parties early! Still having time for myself!

But, nope. I feel possibly more miserable than I did when I was partying every weekend. I'm at work today and I feel sluggish and like everything is too much and upsetting me. My tummy feels bloated and my eyes look like angry little beads in my head. I literally can't wait to go home and lie in bed and do nothing. And this is all because of two drinks I had on Saturday night.

I think that while I was regularly binging, I was so hungover most of the time ( did you know it can take 10 days for alcohol to leave your system??) that this tired state became my normal. By the time I felt better it was time to go and out and party again.

Now I know. I know that my life can be such much better. I stopped completely for a few months and I was making art regularly, making shakey starts at writing, reading, doing yoga. I was also going on nights out. I actually think part of the reason I started drinking again was because I was feeling worried that I wasn't enjoying myself on (most) nights out....It wasn't even nervousness, it was boredom. I started poisoning myself for boredom!

If something is boring, if I find certain people boring, maybe I shouldn't be doing those things or talking to those people. The answer isn't to number myself out to enjoy it....especially as that only works for a bit before making me feel super sensitive and depressed.

Adhd and alcohol do not mix. I spent yesterday low key anxious and unhappy all day. I lay in bed for the whole sunny day and felt worried about wasting my life, felt exhausted for no reason, planned creative ideas but didn't even journal, got frozen and didn't eat or drink anything until I was hungry enough to get a takeaway. Then the takeaway gave me a stomach ache lol. Is that fun? Am I living my best life?

Even though I know this all makes sense, and I've read a load of books on sobriety, and no longer even really get pleasure from alcohol (I get about 10 minutes maybe before my mood drops)..... when it comes to a social situation and alcohol is offered/present, I take it. It's like whatever willpower or reason I have goes out the window. I don't even question myself- in fact I deliberately don't question myself.

Fuck alcohol. Fuck the social conditioning that surrounds it, the generational alcoholism I have been born into, the lack of education/ willful holding back of information from advertising and the government. Fuck fighting a battle against what is seen as normal and not harmful when it is anything but. My friends dad died of alcoholism yet she continues to drink heavily herself and sees no issue with it. My own mother argued with me that it was healthier for me to drink wine at Christmas instead of drink juice.

Anyway I have decided journal here about my sobriety- I thought about starting a separate blog but I feel that journalling is just another way for me to create and heal myself. I think my creativity, my adhd and my alcohol use are all linked to each other.

I know I can get back to the creative and happy place I was in just a couple of months ago. I just have to give up alcohol to have everything- instead of giving up everything for alcohol.

Ah yes... My sobriety and my ride or die's clean time we bought a known drug house here in the 585. So now this house is in recovery with us! Also it's now out of the cycle of being passed around to out of state landlords that have been buying and selling this home to other out of state landlords. So be the change... Make that living amends and buy the trap house in the city where you at and get it rehabbed and into recovery! Time to take these streets back one house at a time and end the opioid epidemic!!!

The Past is Not Today! Living in the past, wallowing in the shame and guilt of past actions; regret and self-pity gets us nowhere. The past is just that, the past. We can’t go back and change, but we can learn from it. Our past is a place of reference NOT of residence. We can choose to learn from our pasts, just as important though, is learning to live in today! 🙌🏻 • • • • #liveinthemoment #livefortoday #justfortoday #noregrets #liveinthepresent #onedayatatime #recoveryblog #recoveryworks #learningexperience #learnfromyourmistakes #soberinspiration #sobermovement #sobermotivation #soberinstagram #soberstrong #recoveringalcoholic #recoverywarrior #recoverystrong #recoverystories #soberwarrior #wedorecover #recoveryispossible #addictionrecovery #sobercommunity #recoverycommunity #alcoholicsanonymous #friendsofbillw #soberquotes #addictionquotes #recoveryposse https://www.instagram.com/p/Cphr38uuWAn/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Recovery is so hard. You get on the right track things start going ok …..then the guilt and shame hits. Wish I could turned back time and make changes. I hate that people who hardly know me actually think that was my character. Addiction and mental health have never mixed well. The grief I feel for what I’ve missed out on in some of the areas of my family life as I was to off my head to know what was going on or care.

I’m trying to be a better Person. I’m trying to not relapse. I’ve stopped being around certain people who drag me down or bring up my past but my own mind does it to me and I feel so defeated. I wish I didn’t care what people thought of me.

I feel down today. Inadequate. Worthless.

What is the point of this.

I prefer masking this hurt

Early days I know …a long way to go!

All I know is all I do is relapse.

Let’s see what’s actually happens when I don’t.

Just for today.. it is one hour at a time.

Your words are gasoline on my fire. You can hate me, underestimate me. 😘

Sobriety makes me fidgety.

You mean i can do other things with my hands other than cradle a beer can?

Three weeks sober and I fuck it up just like that 😒 I'm very angry with myself

8/4/22 wt 248

Also should note I really wanted a drink last night. I made a mocktail of grapefruit sparkling ice and diet ginger beer.

8 months of not drinking.

I really want to continue that at least until the weight is gone.