The worst part about anything that’s self-destructive is that it’s so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive.

vana.thom

body shaped like soft serve 🍦🤤

I'm so grateful to be able to accept and enjoy the contours of my own body. Dismantling and healing from self-hatred and body dysmorphia has taken me a long, loooong time, but baby I'm here showing up for myself every day!!!

The bad body image days still exist - but I can move through those feelings instead of being dragged down by them. A few bad days will never erase my progress 🫶🏼

Fighting to accept my body, heal my eating disorders, and rewrite the toxic narratives I was taught about self-worth, beauty, and body size has been a hard but extremely worthwhile journey. Honestly it's saved my life.

You CAN change your internal narrative and rewrite your own story with love and acceptance for yourself, and I hope that you do 💗 we deserve love and tenderness from ourselves most of all!!

12.27.23

10:33pm

It’s been a little over 5 years since I’ve done IV drugs, every now and then I’ll notice my track marks randomly and it quickly brings me back to those times where I’d waste hours and hours trying to get my shot. Sometimes it feels so real and unbelievable that I was even that way, I hate to say it but giving up drug use has been so challenging because that’s the only way I knew how to cope with whatever life decided to throw at me, better yet it helped me forget how real feelings are and that being in this 3 dimensional world is so challenging for sensitive people like myself. Grieving drugs is unlike anything else, until you have first hand experienced what that feels like there’s nothing else to relate it too. It’s like a part of myself died when I made the decision to change my life around, and I’m grateful I did. I’m just saying that sometimes I struggle with day to day things, like loving myself or wanting to escape reality because I feel so misunderstood and different from a lot of people. I don’t work a program, meetings were never my thing and to be honest it’s way too depressing for my liking anyways. I guess I just have a lot on my mind tonight and needed to write some shit down, so here ya gooooooo :)

Yesterday I got some herbs to do a ritual in the bath. A cleansing if you will.. something I desperately need. I am harboring a lot of negative energy in my heart over the death of my significant other.. and many others I’ve lost this past year due to substance abuse. Today, I am almost 40 days sober. but they were not so lucky. I remain heartbroken and weighed down.

If anyone else has any other suggestions for on what type of rituals or such I should do to wash this energy away I am open.

You deserve to rest and recover. Productivity anxiety may scream differently, but you're louder and courageous.

Recovery is not a race. You don't have to feel guilty if it takes you longer.

The 12 Fucking Steps

Step 1: I’m fucked

Step 2: There might be a way out of this fucking mess

Step 3: Decide to level the fuck up

Step 4: Take a good hard look at how fucked up I am

Step 5: Tell someone else about all the fucked up stuff I’ve been through

Step 6: Prepare to stop being such a fuck up

Step 7: Try to stop acting so fucked up

Step 8: Make a list of everyone I fucked over

Step 9: Swallow my fucking pride and tell them I really fucked up, except when doing so would fuck them harder.

Step 10: Keep an eye on my fucked up thinking and behavior

Step 11: Chill the fuck out sometimes

Step 12: Help the next poor fucker that walks through the door

Join us each week for our Recovery Dharma meeting. Recovery Dharma of New Haven meets weekly at the New Haven Zen Center. ▪Monday evenings 7:30-9 PM (doors open at 7:15) New Haven Zen Center, 193 Mansfield St, New Haven, CT 06511 Enter at the back door. Remove shoes. Please do not congregate near the center. The Zen Center is a non smoking facility. Please do not smoke or vape on the property or in front of the center. #RecoveryIsPossible #RecoveryDharma #TakeRefuge #Buddha #Dharma #Dhamma #Sangha #Recover #Recovery #Satipațțhāna (at New Haven Zen Center) https://www.instagram.com/p/CqF4RDpu3Ud/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

There simply is NO “normal”. We are all carrying some baggage. Great book. @gabormatemd is the man. #sober #soberlife #ptsd #trauma #abnormal #normal #recovery #recoveryispossible #therapy #emdrtherapy #psychology #sobriety #traumahealing #psychotherapist #therapist #soberdad https://www.instagram.com/p/CoXqGnuu_X1/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Reclaiming Life: Phoenix Rising

When a person reaches rock bottom, it can be an intimidating and hopeless experience. In this point, it may appear as though all hope is lost. At that very instant, one feels the crushing weight of hopelessness and the utter lack of a purpose in life. In spite of this, the seeds of resiliency and resolve are planted deep within the depths of this darkness. An inner spark that flickers and refuses to be extinguished is present at the beginning of the road toward recovering one's life. Strength and the desire to persevere through difficult times are formed in the fires of adversity and suffering. The fragments of a once-shattered existence start to come back together with each new step forward, resulting in the creation of a mosaic of newly gained insight and self-discovery. It is a demonstration of the tenacious spirit that lies within them, a demonstration that the storms of life may bend them but cannot break them. And so it is that, from the ashes of the absolute lowest point, a phoenix arises, soaring higher than it ever has before, regaining life with a renewed vigor and a great respect for the path that lies ahead.

It —Crissy Sinopole

Had a second depression nap and that gave me enough energy to go to the shop and get some filled wraps.

So vitamins beyond those in pill form have been acquired and consumed.

Life is just tiring apparently

Non siete soli. Combattiamo contro dei mostri, ma dobbiamo salvaguardarci dal non diventare noi un mostro, perché se guardiamo a lungo l'abisso, anche esso vorrà guardare dentro di noi. Io lo so, lo so che è complicato, ma non è impossibile. Lo so che il cibo fa paura a noi che soffriamo di disturbi del comportamento alimentare, ma impareremo a nostre spese che il cibo non è nostro nemico, ma è quella cosa che ci permette di vivere. Io penso che il tempo non curi, siamo noi che dobbiamo curarci. Non sono i medici, I farmaci o le persone che ci stanno accanto a dover fare il lavoro per noi. Loro non potranno mai capire come ci si sente. Come ci si sente ad avere un rigetto verso il nostro corpo, a sentirci non abbastanza per nessuno. NON SIETE SOLI. Ci sono io che combatto ogni giorno per un briciolo di felicità. Ci sono miglioni di persone che cercano di sorridere col cuore e di non mostrare più un sorriso falso che nasconde traumi. La vita è fatta di momenti alterni, altrimenti non avrebbe un senso, ma siamo noi a dover sconfiggere le nostre paure e andare avanti per la nostra strada. Tutto questo è difficile, ma NON È IMPOSSIBILE.

I’m grateful everyday

Grateful for another opportunity for another day, and another chance to live my life -

Freedom from addiction

panick stricken and bones like wicker. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Time is going and I am wearing rejuvenated skin. “One day at a time” helping me stay alive, but death is lurking beneath the surface waiting until my clock chimes. Courage flowing, deaths grip floating further down in time. I escaped my mind. I now reside in this moment. I am golden. It’s my time to shine.~

1 year celebrating sobriety from 🌱. Never imagined a path leading me out of that darkness, but was one step forward to brighter. My anxiety is lowered (nearly gone), depression eased, my mind is fully goal oriented, set on future plans, let go of toxic relationships, and accepted the need for support through a new group of lovely friends. 🌸

Welcome to my healing journey. Thanks for being apart of it. 🌷🌻