Dear Diary,

I’m just not worth the effort I guess.

finally applied for SSDI

It took me four hours yesterday, but I finally bit the bullet and applied for Disability on the basis of my fibromyalgia, mental illnesses, and COVID complications. I just keep. Getting. Sick. All the TIME! No matter how much I wash my hands or use hand sanitizer and do my best not to touch my face, I just keep winding up ill practically every week. The amount of days I've missed work, I can't even remember. The amount of times I've been so dizzy and unwell that my mom had to come and pick me up and take me home is far too many in my opinion. I reduced my hours at work AGAIN to try and give myself more time at home to take care of myself and less time at work dealing with people's dirty money and horrid behaviour. I should have applied for Disability last year when I quit my job at the pharmacy due to the stress making me sick all the time, but I doubted myself. Not anymore. I'm too concerned about my mental and physical health at this point. The longer I work with the public, the sicker and more depressed I become. Like, I'm genuinely concerned that my immune system has been so damaged by the last few years of stress and dealing with the public that I'm compromised now. I'll be sending a message to my doctor to ask her about it.

Things you probably didn't realize are dismissive and often times demoralizing; a non-comprehensive list:

-Chronically ill or disabled person says, "Man my body hurts, I wish I could transplant my brain into a pain-free body."

Friend responds, "I think everybody feels that way sometimes."

Uh, no bitch. I mean, yes, bitch. But also, no. The pain we are talking about is VERY fucking different.

-Chronically ill or disabled person says, "I'm so tired. I slept 12 hours and I feel like I never slept."

Friend responds, "You shouldn't be tired! Just have some caffeine and quit whining!"

Or alternatively, "I'm tired too. We're all tired."

I know you're tired. But your tired came about because you stayed up too late doom scrolling and mine is because my body hates me and chooses violence at every opportunity. It doesn't really matter how much or little I sleep because I'm in some awful place where sleep is imaginary and rest doesn't matter.

-Chronically ill or disabled person says, "I'm just feeling really defeated, you know? It's hard to lose so much of what felt like me."

Friend responds, "You've just got to be positive! It'll get better."

Ah yes, the power of positive thinking. Well, Karen/Kyle, I think you say that because my supposed bad attitude makes you uncomfortable and quite frankly I don't give a fuck about your comfort in this matter.

-Chronically ill or disabled person choosing to disclose something about their condition in order to safely interact with someone, "Just a heads up, I have this condition and it can make existing difficult in this way that pertains to you."

Coworker/acquaintance/friend says, "Oh my god, you're such an inspiration. You're so strong!"

Or alternatively, "You're just trying to get out of this thing."

OR, "Have you tried yoga? My cousin's sister's dog's nephew did yoga and it completely cured everything that's ever been wrong with him."

I'm seriously going to punch the next person who says this shit to me in the face and have no remorse. And no, they're not just trying to be encouraging. Get fucked.

Making progress on the covid recovery. But I'm so congested, my ears are all stuffed up. I can't really hear much out of my left ear except for some mild tinnitus. If anyone has some tips how to clear this out, I'm open to it. The pressure is incredibly uncomfortable.

okay ykfw? if u ever wanna talk to me do it yourfuckingself, im not gonna be the one who talks to u first everytime, im fucking done

Every day from the hours 2pm to 4pm I become very very ill

WHEW I've been sick again. Like, SICK sick, worse than when I had covid. I lost my voice & communication was tricky because my kid and I don't quite grasp each other's brand of spelling. While bedridden, I started watching "Elementary" and my mini-me, who was ALSO sick with a different illness, sometimes wandered in to watch (I know, not good parenting but tbf neither of us were in our right minds). As a result, her new favorite game is being a consulting detective and placing her observations on the wall. Here are the notes she took while my husband played a robber on a phone call.

-----'s Srecrit spiaings (sic) (secret spyings)

He is calling his Best Frene Robtorre (sic) (probably meant Robert) 🙄

He is talking abowt liaing to the ples (sic) (about lying to the police)

hiding in The blakit (sic) (blanket)

He is liaing to Me (sic) (lying)

Do Not tuch (sic) (touch)

She also hid an old phone of mine to conduct surveillance on the suspect, and ended up showing me the 15 minute long footage while mouthing some of the dialogue. I think he fell asleep under the blanket at some point.

for some reason using socials on my ipad is like. easier than on my phone. big screen make me regulate emotions before exploding ? why am i a literal toddler

Dear Diary,

I don’t care anymore. Nothing changes.

I hate being ill, I swear if this is Covid 😩😩

Listening to Jazz and I have a severe head cold

I feel like I’m trapped in a math equation

I would just like to be able to draw without having to do a tissue walrus thing 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

do u feel paralysed by the horrors of the US military war crimes and their unabashed support of Israel’s apartheid regime