#people liked me because of my brain! my thoughts! not for what i could do for them or for a paycheck
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Hello... again! Are you hyperfixated on RedactedAudio?
Do you want (need) to know who to follow to cultivate your dashboard and feed your gremlin brain good, good boyfriend roleplay content and my first recommendation post of magnificent fan-artists and fan-writers wasn't enough dopamine for you?
Cool, I’ve got you, and I’ve got even more hyperlinks. Buckle up.
(Note: This is by no means a comprehensive, objective, or complete list, as I have biases and favorites and limited time. If you feel I've missed someone, please feel free to reblog with your additions! I just would have loved a guide like this when I got into the fandom back in August 2022 and wanted to spread some positivity~!)
Fanfiction:
@agentplutonium: they/them
Pluto is just one of the many gorgeous people who've migrated to Tumblr now that Twitter is, ya know, on fire. I've been following them on Tiktok for ages, and I'm so pleased they joined us on tumblr now!
Highlights: "Constant" and "Inconvenience" mean the world to me, because there are just not enough aspec headcanons in the fandom, we could always have more.
@angelicaether: they/them
Aether is a fucking gem unto this fandom- not only do they run Sky Side, a friendly, closeknit (hehe) server for 21+ Redacted fans but they also were who we have to thank for Redacted Kinktober 2023, bless them~
Highlights: New Job Posting is magnificent if you’re in the mood for some David/Angel smut today and this cute couple crossover fic if you’re feeling more SFW!
@caelumsnuff: they/them
Phoenix is magnificent, creative, and endlessly sweet. I also respect the hell out of anyone that can take the anon hate that they get with as much grace and attitude as they do /gen /pos
Highlights: I love this gift for the Quinn-fuckers they wrote, I do, but I have to admit I'm partial to the Imperium!Vincent/Imperium!Asher piece they did, because their tension and hatred was just too palpable to deny, I needed it.
@empydoc: any pronouns
Empy's Soul Eater AU has not only taken over my life but has also got me deeply wanted a Soul Eater rewatch. God forbid xe succeed because this post has already been delayed enough /j
Highlights: I love the Marcus/Asset post, because that's my favorite pairing but also because Asset as both an android and a weapon is so, so interesting. Blake/Bestie's is also a particular gem, because being a meister just gives him a new dimension to his manipulation and I love it.
@floofdeloop: she/her
Not only is Floof a beloved fic writer but she's also one of the adored DJs of the fandom. Are you really a fan if you haven't looked up Redacted on Spotify and saved all her playlists? /j
Highlights: Her whole playlist page is literally so good, but I love the cute, domestic vibes of this Geordi one or the tragic, angsty, Britrock vibes of this Porter playlist~!
@joshusten: they/them
Sten is one of if not the writer that comes to mind when you're looking for amazing Guy/Honey content!
Highlights: Bitter Melon is my personal favorite of their work; what can I say? I'm a sucker for a little jealousy in my fics. You also can't miss Honeysuckle, their most recent piece which gets into Guy's canonically less-than-pure mind~
@pinksparkl: she/her
Gosh, where would we be without her? Pink never has a bad word or thought for anyone and just persists in being a delightful, sweet presence in the fandom.
Highlight: I can't decide what I'm more obsessed with- their Adam-centric fic exploring the Progeny/Maker bond or their nsfw Gavin-centric with his tail exploring Freelancer nudge nudge wink wink
@redlikeredacted: they/them
Just as their blog says, they are the CEO of Dasher. In my head, they are the president of both the David/Asher and the Autistic!David fan clubs, and I'd vote for them a second and third term okay I love Red
Highlights: Their "David bottoming for the first time" fic is everything to me okay I am here for nothing but this except maybe this Milo fic where he gets Aggro~
@teafairywithabook: she/they
A lovely writer, voice actor, and person, Cheri does it all! With a whole 34 Redacted works on AO3, they are a must-follow.
Highlights: I'll provide the masterlist of previously mentioned works, but I must recommend her nsfw Avior/Starlight fic keeping us sated until we finally get an Avior BA and their fic of Alexis's POV of Sam's turning I couldn't not okay I'm just a person I have biases
@tepid-judas: he/they/it
My favorite Adam stan, my friend, and the person who converted me into an Adam/Brighteyes shipper, I thank Judas every day for that.
Highlights: I love their series of epistolary fics, because who doesn’t love a good letter, but I would be remiss if I didn’t rec his DAMN polycule plus Xavier fic cause fuck canon let's add frosty the snowman to the orgy /lh
@themonotonysyndrome: she/her
Lady, my dearest friend and greatest foe~ How else do I describe the gorgeous, sociable, friendly person who bought Alexis/Christian into the world and ruined my life? (affectionate)
Highlights: Let these two assholes in love take you on a ride, fall in love with them too. If that's not your vibe, I cannot recommend enough her insane, gen z Bright Eyes being an absolute fucking terror /pos
Fanart:
@androgynouspenguinexpert
Can YOU believe Penguin's only been posting art since, like, December? I certainly can't, because it's like they've drawn every boy at this point and each is as smoochable and adorable as the last.
Highlights: Their Porter is one of my favorites; what can I say? Who can resist this high ponytail and cape combo? I also love their Hush, cause look at him~! He's adorable! Penguin gives all these boys such luscious, floofable hair; I love them!
@cute-brainz: she/they/it
Kindly, lovingly, respectfully, Cute's listeners designs reduce me to a sniveling, simpering puddle of a simp. I become nothing but a humble, simple straight man, and none of you came blame me good god their listeners are hotter than all the redacted men-
Highlights: Like, look at their Lovely: the hair, the singlet, the VIBES? Fuckin irresistible; like Vincent, I'd give them anything their heart desires. And their ANGEL? The MINUTE David Shaw fumbles that bag, I'm on my knees with a ring hello earth angel will you be mine
@darling-solaire
Darl has been posting art for only a month and a half at the writing of the post, and yet I feel like I've loved their Solaires for forever. They, as a unit, are hot and tragic as fuck, and I love them.
Highlights: I am obsessed, particularly, with the Solaire family portraits, but maybe that's because my girl Alexis is up there, and I love her. There's also this bust compilation of more Redacted boys in case you didn't find your favorite in the Solaires~!
@free-boundsoul: she/her
Okay so, like, vibe with me did you ever love Lisa Frank products with the bright, saturated colors and sparkling eyes but wish instead of cuddly animals that there were really hot men? Then Savvie is the artist for you~
Highlights: One, it's fun to see a Regulus that's not blue, okay? It's thinkin outside the box. Two, the CRACKS? WITH THE GOLD PEEKING THROUGH? I'm inconsolable my god. Speaking of daemons, Fool!Gavin is sort of everything to me. He's just really rocking that sweater vest!
@hotmcrodz: he/they
I know for a fact that I'm not the only one obsessed with the way Jai draws human anatomy. I have unironically seen a Jai piece in the tag and gone "WOWZA" like I'm Jim Carrey in The Mask; that's what they do to me.
Highlights: This Milo was one of the pieces that made my eyes pop out my head like a cartoon wolf; I think it's the shirtlessness plus the muscle pose. I just couldn't handle it. I also reacted like that to their Babe because I am an equal opportunity pervert /hj
@izzuku: he/they
Izzuku designs characters with the most realistic and gorgeous body types; like, I love the soft jawlines and how warm and touchable they draw skin. Every Izzuku design is kissable as hell.
Highlights: I have to recommend his Regulus and Hush designs, obviously, they're my favorite men. However, I can't let the world go by another rotation without recommending this special Halloween version of Vincent~!
@kilarthmac: she/they
In case we needed another reason to love and appreciate the iconic timestamping account we all recognize from the Redacted comments, we cannot neglect their fanart!
Highlights: Like, look at this brought-back-wrong Vega! This Hush with his cute face and off-putting air! He's so cute and so weird! I also love this piece they've done for one of my favorite rarepairs, Imperium!Lasko/Adam~
@latenightsleeper: he/they/it/she
My kinfolk and my beloved, one of the few people who understand me and the vision that is beautiful, blonde, dumb and lovable Christian. They will give you so many feelings about Darlin and Christian, and they will cause you agony /pos
Highlights: Obviously, I'm obsessed with the Tank/Christian art like this one (Christian is just so cuuute), but we're all obsessed with this Sam/Darlin animatic set to Eat Your Young.
@maxpaulll
An amazing artist that I'm so glad we managed to get to migrate to Tumblr from Twitter so I could put them on this list~
Highlights: I am obsessed always with their Indigenous character designs, especially David. Like, look at him, he's indescribably beautiful, outshone by no one except maybe Max's Imp!Vega, because oh my god look at him~
@nortyourself: she/her
I don't think there's anyone who's not obsessed with at least one of Rachel's pieces; like, I believe she'll get to every Redacted man with the speed and beauty she works. Even Reticuli has gotten the Rachel treatment and been made hot af.
Highlights: Technically, this Imperium!Damien just takes me breath away; like, it would be blown up and framed in his palace (for all of his short and tempestuous reign). Personally, her Hush has a dear and special place in my heart. He's just my favorite~!
@penncilkid: any pronouns
One of the most gorgeous and darling and non-stop creators in the space! They're a true triple threat, kicking our hearts in the butt with their art, their writing, and their audio roleplay series~
Highlights: With so many mediums under their belt, it's so hard to choose. If you're looking for purely Redacted content, their art is prolific and so creative, I've got to share the whole gallery. If you're in the market for a new VA to fall in love with, you've got to check out their youtube channel~!
@pycth: any pronouns
I dont have anything creative or profound to say here- all of pycth's designs are smoking hot and would render me selectively mute with a glance, 'nuff said.
Highlights: How can I PICK? Ugh, hottest of the hot that comes to mind has got to be their President Moore art; like, this pose isn't FAIR. On the other end of the spectrum, if you want your heart kicked in the butt, I don't think any of us are over this Sam piece or ever will be.
@rainingcatsandjune: any pronouns
Another new artist who's only been here since April, and yet- I would die for his and his fine-ass, touchable Sam. Like, hell, render any man pretty like that, and I'll die for him. That's how pretty this art is.
Highlights: Like, look at him. How does one do anything but look at him, especially in this pose? Again, look at him! Look at the hands. The soft, touchable glow and how it lights and shades his and Darlin's skin. The broad shoulders good god~
@sainthowlzon: they/he
You can't turn a corner on tumblr without seeing some of Howl's adorable Scribble Dolls or Icons! (Or any other social media actually. I feel like I've deffo seem some of Howl's icons on Tiktok too.) They're cute, they're iconic, and there's one for almost everyone!
Highlights: Here's that full set of icons for your perusal; my personal favorite is Asset's. And here's the full set of Redacted Scribble Dolls; my favorite is Regulus, I think, because of his freaky vibes, but it's so hard to pick!
@sincerelywhistler: any pronouns
Like everyone with a working set of eyes and a beating heart, I am obsessed with all of Wes's designs; like, who wouldn't fall in love at first sight with all those beautiful and often shirtless people?
Highlights: There's honestly too many to pick from, but I'll TRY. Their Gavin is an absolute must, I share it with the Discord on sight, he's that it girl if you will. Oh, and one cannot neglect Avior's HBS piece; I'm not even an Avior girlie, and I was like daaaaaamnnnnnnn~
@slushiepizza: they/them
Where would all the guy-lovers be without Slushie and their absolute cornucopia of Guy and Honey delights? Like, where else would we get our homemade, MacGyver'd serotonin?
Highlights: The "Everyday" series is everything to me, and I mean everything; Guy has become too relatable and has struck me right in the heart. If you're not in a Guy mood, I'm also in love with their older, cozy Anton~!
@s0lairee: she/they
Jo's style is just so clean, so cute, and I really love it when they play with lighting in their pieces. Like, we are almost, almost there to making me stan Vincent if you're gonna drape him in moonlight like that...
Highlights: ...thought, if I had to pick, I'd probably lean more towards Vincent's partner. They're rocking the red eyes, I love them! I'm also obsessed with their freckle-y, sweet Lasko, because who isn't?
@strawberrybouvine: he/they
The artistic equivalent of gourmet candy, I am absolutely obsessed with the gorgeous colors of Jasper's art and cannot get enough of the sweetness! Is this sugar running through my veins or unparalleled cuteness?
Highlights: I'm not even a David stan but, like, jesus christ, the long hair and hairy chest makes me want to go feral. Don't even get me started on the cuteness of his chibi art, I really will start foaming at the mouth.
@theflowersaremine
I don't know exactly what medium Haylin uses or what colors or effects they use, but goddamn it makes those men so dreamy. I'm not even a Sam stan, but that's a smoochable man right out of Gilmore Girls /pos
Highlights: Like, are you seeing the Gilmore Girls vision? That's a handsome man from a wholesome show geared for women- almost as handsome as this art of David. I see this smile in my dreams; it's so beautiful.
@venuslove-28: any pronouns
Venus's art is strawberry and vanilla soft serve injected straight into my heart; it's so familiar and cute, so charming, and I want to stim and bounce in excitement when I see it. Does that make sense? It'll make sense when you see it.
Highlights: Personally, I have never and I will never stop thinking about this Huxley, I am simply not capable. Their Avior is also cuter than all get-out, I must admit.
@wingless-cupid
I don't think anyone does cute and colorful and pastel and kawaii quite like Cupid. You can't help but look and admire all the eye-catching colors and then want to hug their cheery, dynamic characters!
Highlights: I'm highkey obsessed with their Freelancer and DAMNily and all their d(a)emons in general. Like, look at this! Minh is such a cutie and a simp, I love them! I'm also constantly thinking about this art in particular, because look at all these PRICELESS EXPRESSIONS!
@yoteako: he/it
Would you like stunning, high quality art and tragic, old man yaoi on your dash? That's a silly question; of course you do which is why we're going to follow and love on Yote.
Highlights: See how beautiful, doomed, and intimate this multi-page comic is about two characters who've never canonically spoken? That's devotion. On the less forsaken side of the narrative, their Gavin/Lasko ship art is embedded into my heart.
If you’re reading all the way here, I hope you found the post helpful and smiled while making your way through it! Or both! The RedactedAudio fandom is truly one of my favorite spaces on the internet; it’s so intimate and creative, and I’ve found some amazing, perfect friends here, so I hope you will too 💖
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Jungkook’s future spouse
I was going to make you wait for this one for quite a while but I have to see where the hype is coming from
They are still searching for their purpose in life. The temperance is the card of patience, balance and the silence before the storm. The storm doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is going to happen. Just that right now it looks like they are in a period of their life after they’ve done all the healing they had to. There’s nothing big going on in their life and they are waiting patiently for something to happen. They are happy with where they are now but they are a bit bored. They are looking at their life saying “fine, what should I do now”, but they don’t seem lost. With that wheel of fortune they believe something big is going to happen. They are getting close to their destiny. They are getting close to a turning point in their life. They are exited and optimistic about it,
However that 10 of pentacles reversed tells me they lack financial stability or support from their loved ones. They might be broke (we all are 😭😭). There’s this dark side of wealth so they could be someone who comes from a less wealthy family (the underdogs). Like they see rich people spending money on dumb and useless stuff while somewhere out there people are starving,
I’m gonna move to the bottom row, because I got it after I thought the reading is complete but I asked Jungkook if I should draw some more cards and he actually wanted to give me more cards but I’m the one who refused. And the bottom row is more connected to the top one than the one in the middle. Anyway the moment when I got that ace of swords I heard smart. They have a sharp mind that he will admire. Actually this could even be something that will draw his attention to this person. They are witty and their brain is always analyzing everything. Sharp tounge and doesn’t care about what they say. If something needs to be said they will raise their voice. I also have a feeling they have a clear vision of who they want to be but they get distracted very easily. They are daydreamer but they don’t do that to escape the reality, they do that because they want to see what the life has to offer to them. It’s like they know their purpose, but they still deny it deep down and force themselves to look for different options,
They might not be someone famous right now, but they will be in the future. Or if they won’t become famous they might gain a lot of recognition. But from the fact of how that man is famous, they will become as famous as him,
What’s also popping into my head is that they are meant to be famous, because of that wheel of fortune but they are a bit refusing it because like I said they are still exploring their options trying to find what’s the best for them,
Now moving to the middle row. They are very feminine on the outside at least but their soul there’s the perfect balance between the masculine and feminine. They might act very feminine. They are nurturing, especially towards their friends and family. They have this mama bear vibe to them. Also they are beautiful, both on the inside and outside. People sometimes forget the empress is not just conventional beauty. Empress also has a pure heart that loves unconditionally and lives with harmony with everyone. People might look up to her, admire her. And with those king and queen of cups she understands emotions very well. Their emotions and the emotions of the people around them. Could be very sensitive too and cry a lot. They also know how to be assertive. They know when they are supposed to be the king of cups and take care of someone’s emotions, lead them a bit and when they are supposed to put themselves first and back away to process their own feelings, generally very emotionally stable and calm, not the type you will find doing something questionable or controversial. They are too smart and compassionate to hurt people,
Outside they are very feminine but they aren’t scared of doing something traditionally masculine,
I don’t know if I mentioned it before but they seem like someone that has knowledge on many topics at the same time. Very well educated on everything that is going on in this world and many different subjects (from politics through art to useless facts). They see everything and they know everything, nothing escapes their eye,
Naturally attract attention with their presence but it’s not dark, it’s actually very light energy (light feminine) so there’s quite a lot of people starving for their attention, imagine children showing their favorite teacher a picture of the ugliest house you’ve ever seen to get some of their attention, people like to be around them because of their sunny and healing aura,
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Behind Test Subject 007: The Science of Anya’s Telepathy
Okay guys… I’m gonna come clean. I’ve had some scientific hypotheses brewing for a while now (not least to use in my fanfic, lol), but since we might be getting close to getting an Anya arc in the SxF manga, I figured that now was as good a time as any to actually try to arrange those theories in something resembling coherent and share them with you all.
Disclaimer: I am not trying to position myself as an expert. I have studied Psychology and Cognitive Neuroscience at university level, so just for fun I ended up doing a ton of research on this, and I’ve got a lot to cover, so�� wish me luck 😅 References will be embedded in the text!
Heads up that this is on the long side and complex as hell and my head physically hurts, so I’ll tackle it in sections:
Part 1: Psychology
My actual subject, but I’ll only skim over a couple of theories…
Part 2: Cognitive Neuroscience (Structural basis)
In which I will look at the individual brain areas which could be relevant to telepathy
Part 3: Cognitive Neuroscience (Functional basis)
In which I talk about how those brain areas communicate to each other
Part 4: Physics
I’ll admit, not my strongest subject, but I’ll mention a couple of theories which could be relevant
If you're ready for your brain to melt, feel free to keep reading...
Part 1: Psychology
There are 2 main theories in Psychology which could offer some explanation for Anya’s psychic abilities.
Theory 1: Theory of Mind
In short, this describes a person’s capacity to understand other people. It is similar to sympathy or empathy, but actually it is the ability to understand that another person is different to ourselves, that they have their own desires, motivations, and thoughts, and that this is reflected in their behaviour. Even more importantly, it’s about being able to decode other’s mental states, whilst still being able to differentiate it from our own.
Any parent will know that it is a real effort to teach children about trying to understand other people’s perspectives: this is because children typically have an undeveloped Theory of Mind, and it is something that continues to develop even into adulthood. In adults, having a developed Theory of Mind helps us to understand other people’s perspectives, predict other people’s behaviour, and use both empathy and deception.
Anya has a really strong Theory of Mind, which is actually so impressive for her young age. She understands the complex web of all the secrets: that Twilight is a spy, Yor is an assassin, Yuri is in the Secret Service, and Bond is precognisant. She also understands who knows what about each other, and how she can use all of this information to her advantage - those are some crazy cognitive skills!!
In terms of how this is related to telepathy, you could argue that someone with a strong Theory of Mind (like Anya) may be more likely to:
Understand that people have hidden feelings that they don’t show
Demonstrate empathy for emotions
Collate information about their likes and dislikes and past behaviour to predict future behaviour.
If she is highly sensitive to these things, then it could look like telepathy (even if it isn’t).
Theory 2: Hyperesthesia.
Many people will have heard of synesthesia, which is a synthesis of the senses to the extent that the sensory information overlaps, but hyperesthesia is about being highly sensitive to external stimuli of the senses such as sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch.
I can imagine an overlap with Anya’s hyperesthesia and her Theory of Mind to pick up on the nuances of other people’s behaviour, to the extent that reading behaviour could inform the sensation of “reading minds”.
In a science-fictional world like SxF we could imagine that hyperesthesia could stretch into the sense of extra-sensory perception, by being sensitive to the electromagnetic signals in other people’s brains (or even geomagnetic - more on that in Part 4). From this, it is possible that Anya could “read” people’s minds through deciphering the electromagnetic waveforms that people’s brains might project (more on deciphering brainwaves in Part 3…).
Part 2: Cognitive Neuroscience - Structural Basis
I think we can all agree that Anya’s telepathic powers would largely be supported by the specific structures of her brain, especially given that Endo has already dropped hints of neuroscience in the manga, and we know that he’s very much interested in accurately depicting psychology and neuropsychology in his story.
The best way to encourage certain brain areas to develop is by doing exercises and tasks which would use that part of the brain repeatedly: for example, consistent gymnastics practice would enhance the cerebellum, the centre of balance and motor coordination. But, I can picture the experimenters in SxF trying something a lot less… humane.
Like, experimental neurosurgery.
For example, theoretically, they could artificially enhance certain brain areas by using a neural growth factor serum (this doesn’t exist in real life, but let’s indulge the science fiction elements for a second), and, theoretically, if the experimenters used glycoproteins as the serum’s main content (like laminins and netrins), they could control the pace and direction of neurons growing in a brain, choosing to focus on cellular growth in certain areas. Then, they would be able to view the activity of the targeted areas using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), and measure it with electroencephalography (EEG, see Part 3 for more on this).
If Anya ever had experimental neurosurgeries during her childhood, they would have likely focused on the following areas:
Corpus Callosum:
The corpus callosum is the thick structure of white matter that connects the two hemispheres of the brain, allowing each hemisphere to send signals to the other. With an enlarged corpus callosum, Anya would be able to process neural signals at a much faster rate, and at an increased volume, helping her to process the additional load required for telepathy.
Wernicke’s Area:
Named after German neurologist Carl Wernicke, this part of the superior temporal gyrus (usually of the left hemisphere) is a major part of being able to understand language.
With an enhanced Wernicke’s area, Anya would be more sensitive to decoding the neural signals associated with linguistic thoughts, effectively enabling telepathic communication through language.
(As an aside, this would also give Anya an advantage in understanding other languages… which could explain her natural talent with Classical Language!)
Superior Temporal Sulcus:
This is another area that is important for processing human speech, and is critical for processing social cues, such as understanding others’ intentions (including Theory of Mind!). With experimentation in the STS, Anya would be better able to decode the subtle cues in others’ brains relating to thoughts and emotions.
Inferior parietal lobule:
As well as assisting in the interpretation of language and sensory information, the IPL is also involved in tasks like perspective-taking and understanding others' mental states. By increasing connectivity in this area, Anya can "tune into" the thought processes of others.
It’s also well-known for its’ role in visuospatial processing, which can help Anya see visual thoughts as well.
Anterior Cingulate Cortex:
This system is composed of a number of different parts of the brain, all working together to be able to process things like attention, decision making, inhibition and emotions. Most interestingly, it is associated with detecting conflicts and errors.
Increased sensitivity to the ACC would likely help Anya to detect cognitive dissonance and conflicting thoughts in others (the perfect formula to eventually understand tsundere tendencies…).
Amygdala:
The amygdala is often known as the centre of fear, but actually it is hugely important in threat detection, emotional processing and emotional memory. If Anya’s amygdala was enhanced, this would aid her ability to detect threats quickly, as well as her empathy skills and help her to intuit others’ emotions and thoughts.
(A negative side effect of an enlarged amygdala would be that Anya may be more vulnerable to the effects of toxic stress, possibly making her less resistant to the effects of psychological trauma.)
Mirror neurons:
Mirror neurons specialise in helping us to carry out and understand other people’s actions and behaviours, playing a key role in empathy and Theory of Mind. These hold internal representations of thoughts or actions, and could potentially be the key for Anya to be able to translate another person’s thoughts or intentions, assuming that she has a particularly active mirror neuron system.
Precuneus:
The precuneus is really difficult to research and is super complex, so I’ll do my best to keep this simple: Located in the medial parietal cortex, this part of the brain is essential for visuospatial imagining and processing, as well as episodic memory, self-reflection, and some aspects of consciousness.
I suppose the main thing is that it has a big role in mental imagery, including being able to model other people’s views, therefore helping Anya to process the mental images in other people’s thoughts.
Broca’s area:
This is very much non-canon, but I imagine that if Anya ever developed the ability to project her thoughts, the Broca’s area would be key for this.
While Wernicke’s area helps with speech understanding, Broca’s area is key for speech production. In my fanfic (SSS), Anya’s Broca’s area probably functioned normally for most of her life, but in the recent experiments imposed on her, the ability to project her thoughts was ‘unlocked’ through the increased activation of the Broca’s area.
Part 3: Cognitive Neuroscience - Functional basis
The thing is, it’s not enough to just know which parts of the brain work for what - there is also the question of how they connect and work together to be able to fulfil their functions.
Think of it as the wiring which connects the parts of a computer: a motherboard, mouse, keyboard, and graphics card (as examples) are built to fulfil their specific functions, but the real magic is in how they connect and send signals between each other so that everything works smoothly.
That’s where neural oscillations come in - otherwise known as brainwaves. These are generated by the action potentials of nerve cells, and their different speeds can be measured using electroencephalography, or EEG machines, which can measure the patterns of activity across a brain.
Let’s bear in mind that I’m really skimming the surface of this subject, so I won’t go into all the types of brainwaves in too much detail, but I will focus on the ones that I think could be more relevant to Anya’s telepathy:
Gamma waves
This is the pattern of neural oscillations which are correlated with large-scale brain network activity, and are largely predominant in learning, working memory, and processing new information. In other words: gamma waves help Anya to connect all the different parts of her brain which are relevant to her telepathy, so that all the areas can communicate to each other.
(Just as an aside: I found this hilarious study that looked at the effects of different types of nuts on brainwaves, which saw gamma wave responses being improved through pistachios, while peanuts aided in generating more delta waves. I wonder if the lab scientists of SxF caught on…)
Theta waves
Theta waves are especially prominent in childhood (during sleep). I imagine that the lab may have recruited children partially for this reason (the other reason would be that brains have more plasticity at a younger age, and so can be altered easier than an adult’s brain). In adults, theta waves are also prominent in hypnotic or meditative states, mind wandering, and the early stages of sleep.
I think it is really interesting that theta waves occur during deep relaxation, as well as the early stages of sleep, making it the only brainwave that can activate both during sleep and during wakefulness. (From what I can tell, anyway.) This could make theta waves an important component of Anya’s telepathy - for example, if her telepathy was important to her survival, then it is critical for her to be able to detect thoughts during sleep, and her amygdala could alert her if the thoughts were at all threatening.
During wakefulness, I can imagine that Anya’s theta waves serve as the precursor for the activation of psi waves…
Psi waves
Just to confirm, Psi waves are definitely fictional, but my rationale is that historically, ‘Psi’ (ψ) has been used to denote the unknown factor which is linked with parapsychology and psychic phenomena.
My theory is that psi waves would be the frequency required for telepathy, which would allow Anya to detect and interpret other people’s thoughts through their pattern of neural activation. In other words: she can probably read brainwaves.
Modern science is already trying out methods to interpret people’s brainwaves (which is honestly both supremely cool and extremely terrifying), so it’s not too far out of the realm of possibility that Anya would be able to do the same thing just by unconsciously using her psi waves. The psi-waves would essentially mimic a brain-computer interface in being able to process and interpret neural activity (aka thoughts).
If you require a bit more concrete evidence to believe me, I’ve made a list below.
Right now, we can analyse brainwaves using EEG to:
Decode whether someone answers “yes” or “no” to conversational questions
Control the movement of simple robots, including wheelchairs, which can be locked/unlocked using EEG (and EMG) as a biometric security system
Detect and interpret what emotion someone is feeling, as well as learn how strong that emotion is (at an accuracy rate of 80-94%)
Deconstruct the cognitive processes underlying social interaction in people who struggle to verbally express themselves
And this study analysed brain activation using fMRI to interpret and reconstruct visual images
Neuroscience is really crazy, guys.
Part 4: Physics
So… this is the part I am the least confident about. Please be patient with me and forgive me for any mistakes 🙏. Also, this is the perfect time to remind you guys that I am really engaging with science fiction here. Emphasis on the fiction 😂.
Basically, there are 2 main theories from Physics that I think could explain Anya’s telepathy, as well as her weakness(es):
Theory 1: Geomagnetic Field Sensitivity:
All brain waves are generated by electrical activity in the brain, and they also generate electrical activity of their own, which creates an electromagnetic field around the brain.
Anya’s abilities could be tied to the geomagnetic field of the earth, especially during the New Moon: when the moon is positioned between the earth and the sun, this could affect the field’s strength. The subtle alteration in the geomagnetic field could disrupt the electromagnetic field generated by Anya’s brain, thus disrupting the neural processing.
In other words: the New Moon could interfere with Anya’s own electromagnetic field around her brain, via sensitivity to changes in the geomagnetic field, which could be why she can’t read minds during the New Moon.
Theory 2: Resonance:
Resonance can be observed in physics, acoustics, musical, electrical, and mechanical systems - but now scientists are even looking at resonance in consciousness, and resonance in brain waves on a quantum level.
Without going into too much detail (I am not qualified), I think Anya would generate a resonance frequency of her own that helps her to facilitate telepathic communication: through resonance, Anya could synchronise her Psi waves with the brain waves of another person, and it is this synchronicity that helps her to interpret the other person’s brainwaves.
If Anya ever encountered another telepath (as she does in SSS), I imagine that they wouldn’t be able to read each other’s minds because their resonance frequencies would cancel each other out.
In SSS, I also introduced the idea of a sub-auditory sound wave which would stop Anya from being able to use her telepathy. The idea behind this was to introduce another weakness for Anya: when this sound wave is emitted or detected, it interferes with the brain's natural telepathic frequency. This is because the sound wave oscillates at a frequency that masks the neural signals required for telepathy, and means that Anya can’t interpret those signals as easily.
Thanks for reading!
I told you this was long. Sorry 😅
The above is really just a collective mishmash of stuff I’ve been slowly putting together for about the last 6 months, and I fully accept there will be parts that are more plausible than others. 😂 But it was fun, and more than anything I am really excited to see what we get to find out in Anya’s backstory arc (when it gets here…), and if I see any mentions of brains or neuroscience in SxF I will literally die of joy
#spy x family#sxf#sxf theory#spy x family analysis#non canon#so far#we'll see what Endo does#since he really like neuroscience and psychology#thanks im going to sleep for a thousand years#sxf theories#neuroscience#psychology#neuroscience of telepathy#science of telepathy#telepathy#telepathy isnt real but if it was this is how it would work#also im really sorry for how long this is#i had no idea it would get so out of hand#no spoilers#i think#dont come at me#test subject 007#anya#anya forger#anya analysis
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Raika Hojo - Idol Story 1
(Two years after ES’ establishment. At a park near ES’ building)
Raika: Toryaa~☆
Ahem, it’s time to get tonight’s dinner, thaaank you ♪
W-What? Is that– A human…?
I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry–! I made a mistake. I was clumsily trying to capture something edible, like a pigeon, a cat, or even a dog– Not a human.
So with that being said, I’ll let onee-san go. I apologize deeply for the inconvenience~♪
Hmhm, oh, my stomach feels like it’s eating itself, it’s so empty… What should I do, I used up all of my remaining energy on attempting to capture my prey…
M– Mm, my stomach is too… Empty… I can’t move… Gh.
Hhm…? Eh… Candies? And you’re giving them to me?
Raika: I’m so very grateful! Wasshoi, wasshoi![1] Onee-san is truly a goddess~♪
Lick, lick ♪ Rooolling my tongue around it ♪ Eheee, it’s so sweeeet… ♪
But, what should I do? I have nothing to offer you to express my gratitude.
I was taught at the “facility”[2] to always return the kindness shown to me by others.
Nnh. For now, may I ask to know your name? I’ll remember it for later, to make it easier to repay the favor.
Uhum, Anzu? Anzu-oneesan, is that right? Okay, got it!
But I’m such a bird-brained type of person that I’d forget it after walking only three steps, so I’ll need to make a memo of it somewh–
H-hmhm?
Eh? Ahh, I should have told you my name first, shouldn’t I? Please excuse my flagrant disrespect! ♪
I am Raika Hojo, and I’m nothing more than filthy and stingy.
Ehhh, it sounds like “a dirty thief”? And that’s– That’s suspicious, is it…?
About that… That’s strange, here I thought I could disguise myself quite well.
Eh? My wording is a little strange, you say? Is that so? Really, really~?
Nn? You say, that aside, if I’m hungry, you’ll buy me a treat from the convenience store… Huh?
Eh, eh?! I’m wary when people are overly kind to me, as it’s strange, so…?
C- Certainly you don’t intend to capture and sell me off…?
Raika: I heard from Grandpa Sakuma once that, a long time ago, there was a place where people like me were captured and shown off…?
That’s not the case? You say you’ve heard about me through ES’ information?
Hahaaa~ And because Anzu-oneesan is a producer— She wants to be kind to me, as I’m an idol?
So that’s the case. Good, good… Well then, I shall take your word for it, ehehe~ And it’ll be a nice treat! ♪
Raika: Onee-san, onee-san, those steamed meat buns are really piquing my interest.
Look, they’re so warm, so soft, sooo fluffy… ♪
Ah but, I’m also interested in this pizza bun here. Is it pizza, or is it a bun? The mystery only deepens.
“If you’re interested in both, you can buy both”?
Thank you so very kindly, thank you! ♪
Uuuu… I feel like bursting into tears. This is the first time anyone has ever treated me with such kindness–
Nn?
What’s wrong, Anzu-oneesan? Your face seems devoid of color now…?
Ehhh? You’ve lost your wallet? “I can’t buy meat buns without money”, really…?
Ah! Is it possible, your wallet— Is it this one?
Raika: Ehehe. Good, so it was Anzu-oneesan’s wallet after all then, that’s a relief.
Now, you have the means to buy those meat buns! Those meat buns that I’ve been longing to enjoy for myself… (Drooling)
…? Eh, you want to know where I found this wallet?
“Did you pick it up somewhere?” I stole it from Anzu-oneesan’s pocket earlier, when we bumped into one another!
…? …? Eh, what? What’s with that look on your face? Are you angry?
Well, come to think of it, I was taught at the “facility” that it was a crime to steal others’ belongings, so…?
I- I’m so terribly sorry for this disrespect! I’ve returned your kindness with such a cruel gesture! A- Are you angry with me, Anzu-oneesan…?
Could it be that you’re no longer in the mood to be kind to someone like me…?
Eh? You say your wallet feels strangely swollen now?
Raika: Ahh, well I know that stealing is wrong. I thought I could cancel out the “bad thing” I did by doing a “good thing” that would outweigh it!
I decided to increase the contents of your wallet! ♪
So then, will this truly cancel out my stealing? Onee-san, you don’t hate me, do you…?
Ehehe. So then, as long as I promise that I won’t steal again, Anzu-oneesan will buy me the steamed meat buns that I want, as promised— Really?
Wowww ♪ I’m so happy, onee-san has such a strong sense of duty, doesn’t she?
Gh– hyaaaaaaaaaaaa?!
Kyuu… Please, don’t shout so suddenly! It’s startling…!
Eh? Centipedes, pill bugs, and bee larvae are spilling out of your wallet…?
Yes! That’s what I said, I increased the contents of your wallet!
I didn’t say that I made you more money, right?
Raika: Eh? No good? S- Seems like it’s rather easy to anger Anzu-oneesan…?
📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚📚
> [1] Wasshoi is similar to most English phrases of joyous exclamation, but none of them felt quite right to me. Feel free to interpret as anything from "woo-hoo" to "yippee"
> [2] "Facility" in this case is really only part of a word. The kanji used often refers to care homes for the elderly and similar such things, and can also be used in some spellings of orphanage. Raika is suggested to be adoptively related to the Sakuma family in this story, through context clues.
Thank you for reading!
#📚 Stories#raika hojo#enstars translations#ensemble stars translations#my translations#ensemble stars#enstars#hojo raika
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I do not mean to sound stupid, but I read your post "dissociation is not solely trauma-based", and I was wondering if you knew of any sources or books about it?
I think I don't fully understand what dissociation is.
For exemple, no matter how I look at it, I don't understand how meditation could be considered like anything close to dissociation, simply because it's also used as a grounding technique.
I'm combining two asks here, because I'm going to cover both in one go :) you don't sound stupid.
You've got to start with the understanding that dissociation is a continuum from normal (aka nonpathological) to "abnormal" (I hate that word, but aka pathological). I finally dropped the wild existence of Dr Jamie Marich, clinical trauma specialist and a pro endo, CDD system, who wrote Dissociation Made Simple. Let me quote because the book is actually good.
Yes, dissociation is so hard to understand that she wrote an entire book about the concept.
"The English word dissociation comes from the Latin root dissociātiō, meaning “to sever” or “to separate.” At this point when lecturing, I usually ask my students: What are we severing or separating from when we dissociate? You may take a moment, before reading on, to ask this question of yourself. Try not to think on it too rationally. Listen to your gut-level response...
For the purposes of this opening chapter, let’s focus on the form of separation that every human being can likely relate to —severing or separating from the present moment—especially when the present moment becomes unpleasant, overwhelming, or otherwise painful."
Dissociation is a disconnect from something-- this can be memories, thoughts, emotions, or, in worst cases, reality. The present moment.
Not all meditation is dissociative, but most is. For example, emptiness meditation is about disconnecting from everything in the moment. You are literally fine-tuning your dissociative techniques. This is also true when you're using grounding meditation to disconnect from overwhelming emotions or thoughts to get back into the moment.
There are a variety of tasks that we either develop naturally or learn as a way to achieve some degree of separation (e.g., enough to stay somewhat present but still get some relief, or going further into totally cutting oneself off from in-the-moment presence). Dissociation of this nature is not all or nothing—it generally happens in degrees and can depend upon how much distress you feel in any given context. We can do this by daydreaming, drifting off, zoning out, zoning inward, disengaging eye contact with people, losing focus (especially when driving), or getting a little floaty in many other life circumstances. Some people frame this “floatiness” as similar to hypnotic trance and others feel it is quite distinct. We may even take deliberate steps to enhance the experience of separation. How often have you escaped into a book or a movie, into your phone or computer, or into some activity, because it makes the harshness of dealing with the present moment and the emotions it can elicit somewhat more bearable?
Let me be very clear, if you said yes to this question, this answer does not mean that there is anything wrong with you! All of these can be quite ordinary forms of dissociation that every human being is capable of experiencing.
A really, really good way to understand this concept is actually through maladaptive daydreaming (MADD), a highly addictive form of dissociation.
Indeed for many of us, substances or other behaviors that cause major surges of dopamine (e.g., spending, computer games, sexually acting out) can become the accelerant of dissociation...
Whenever we become accustomed to dissociating, especially as children growing up in complex trauma, our brain becomes bonded or some would even say addicted to that state of escape. Once chemical or other reinforcing behaviors are introduced to us, they can accelerate that already familiar experience and we become further bonded to that behavior.
Daydreaming itself is dissociative. Point blank. It is both the most normal kind of dissociation, and yet the most common maladaptive dissociation.
Daydreaming and journeying into my head’s imaginative scenarios is another series of behaviors that can have both adaptive and maladaptive qualities. As a kid, they kept me safe. As an adult, they are the source of so much of my creative power—yet if I engage them too long, too hard, or too much, I run the risk of getting lost and not being able to attend to what helping professionals might call my activities of daily living (e.g., eating properly, sleeping, taking good care of myself, getting to work, attending to loved ones appropriately and with good boundaries).
Let's cut away from the book really quickly to look at Eli Somer, the guy who came up with MADD.
Maladaptive daydreaming is a dissociative disorder: Supporting evidence and theory.
The only real thing I want to quote is:
Although trauma may be one causal factor, we indicate several other etiological pathways to the development of MD. We discuss associations with related concepts and suggest directions for future research.
And
MD is strongly related to dissociation and seems to rely on an innate tendency for absorptive and imaginative fantasy. Through its rewarding properties, this form of immersive daydreaming becomes abnormal. MD may thus be viewed as a disordered form of dissociative absorption.
While Somer talks about how it can be a behavioral addiction in that paper, I find this is a more succinct description.
Maladaptive Daydreaming: Epidemiological Data on a Newly Identified Syndrome
Maladaptive Daydreaming (MD) is a proposed mental disorder characterized by excessive, compulsive immersion in vivid and complex fantastical daydreamed plots, generating intense emotional involvement, often accompanied by stereotypical movements. This addictive absorption in daydreaming becomes maladaptive as it consumes many hours a day, generates shame or guilt, hinders achievement of short- and long-term goals or tasks, and overall causes clinically significant distress and/or interferes with functioning in social or occupational realms. Maladaptive Daydreamers (MDers) report a strong urge to daydream whenever they can and annoyance whenever they cannot, and, repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop daydreaming, like other behavioral addictions.
And that's the best way to look at DID and other maladaptive, pathological forms of dissociation. It's a behavioral addiction, an escape that we not only crave, but can no longer live without. Just like you can get addicted to working out and gambling, you can become addicted to severing ties with reality through pleasurable (and in some cases, necessary) forms of escape.
I don't know if this is going to make sense, but I've found looking at dissociation like an upside-down iceberg helps me.
At the top, the widest part, is everyone on the planet, and the basic, general concept of dissociation. Severing from the present moment, be it through your phone, book, daydreaming, meditation, zoning out.
As you go down, and it gets narrower, it becomes more important to put names to specific types and forms of dissociation, and fewer people struggle with these forms. In the middle is a confusing mix of seemingly normal and pathological dissociation. You have mediumship, authors with living characters, OCD (yup), ADHD (shocking, I know), MADD, DPDR, (C)PTSD, people on the edge of forming behavioral addictions.
At the bottom, the smallest point, only pathological dissociation, with a much smaller population experiencing it. DID, OSDD, severe and chronic DPDR, DA.
For people that struggle with dissociation... they fell down a hole and travelled all the way to the bottom of the iceberg. What was once a general, normal, human experience became a very specific problem. Over the years, as they travelled deeper, they used and developed a complex mix of various normal dissociative reactions until it eventually became a named, pathological experience.
I sincerely hope that this helps explain and answers both questions ):
Here's another really interesting paper (from none other than, DUNDUNDUN, Colin Ross).
Maladaptive Daydreaming, Dissociation, and the Dissociative Disorders
#syscourse#pro syscourse conversation#CDDs first#cdd system#actually cdd#did#osdd#actuallydid#actuallyosdd#actuallytraumagenic#plural#actuallyplural#pro endogenic#endogenic safe#system safe#pro system#dissociation#actually dissociative#anti endo#pro endo#resources
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Talk Shop Tuesday: If you could immediately pluck one story/concept/idea from your brain and have it fully formed in front of you, exactly as you would want, what would that idea be? Can you describe it to us, along with any potential factors that are slowing you down/blocking you from creating it in the first place? Thanks! <3 -@fieldsofview
Oh, boy, that is a question!
My first thought is that I'd like to have When Two Become One (or, oh dear, Little and Broken, but Still Good) completed, just to not have the dangling WIP to worry about.
But really, honestly, if I was sitting here with the one-use-only magical wishing stone that would take a story from my brain and give me a ready-to-release perfect version of it? I would ask it to finish the historical-with-magic m/m romance that I started writing a bit over five years ago and had plotted five followups to.
It's such a great story! It has magical soulbonds that are made, not found! It has a whole system of gay marriage fitted into a historical setting in a way that I personally find satisfying and logical! It has the obstacle to marriage between our heroes being that they are too exactly well-matched for each other (and therefore it's painfully difficult to determine which of them ought to become a non-person and lose his independent inheritance and social status by becoming the dependent spouse of the other, because it's 1834 and somebody has to not be a whole legal person anymore after they get married, that's the rules).
It has COMPLEMENTARY MAGICAL ABILITIES REVEALING ROMANTIC COMPATIBILITY. It has YEARNING. It has a DUEL (well, almost) and a huge historic disaster that our heroes get swept up in, leading to SWOONING FROM MAGICAL EXHAUSTION. It has the baby sister who the hero wants to protect SOLVING PROBLEMS HERSELF, with the help of her trans girlfriend. (It has magical gender affirmation for trans people, because what kind of magical setting would it be if it didn't??) It has a HORRIBLE COUSIN WHO WILL INHERIT THE ESTATE who turns out in a subsequent book to be not really horrible at all so much as, you know, autistic and traumatized and dashed awkward in sensitive situations, and in need of just the right adorable twink to understand him and love him.
It unfortunately has a terminal lack of writing momentum due to me picking away at it through all the years when my writing had not come home from the wars, and so I just feel sort of exhausted every time I think about figuring out what the fuck happens in chapter five and how to put that into words and sentences and paragraphs, so I've stuck it in the drawer and moved on to things that I feel a bit less daunted by, although just this second I feel daunted by every activity more complicated than playing Cake Sort on my phone and watching a lot of Air Crash Investigations, because life is a lot right now.
But if I just had this novel straight from the wishing stone, I could read it, and I'm sure I would love the whole thing again and be ready to write the next five books, and also I could publish the dear thing and tell people it's a bit like a KJ Charles (with less murder) or Jordan L Hawk (with less eldritch horror), and it would probably sell pretty decently and I could be firmly on the way with my five year plan to be able to do more writing and less day-jobbing. And that would be awfully nice.
#asked and answered#talk shop tuesday#answered on wednesday because it is that kind of time right now
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im not super caught up on ur cowboy au (i LOVE goose n ghost, the dynamic of simon being with price's kid who ACTS like she's prices kid tickles my brain so well) and i dont want to come across as rude... but why is bee with konig lmao. ive been reading the recent discourse and if she's a DA survivor, what draws her to him? what could he possibly do to make her forgive and move on from him being such a piece of shit to goose and making such an ass of himself? like, if he calls a woman a whore and a dog because he was butthurt about getting his ass kicked by someone he doesnt respect just bc she's a woman and small, then why would bee think highly of him or even feel SAFE around him? i really don't mean to be rude about this lmao i just wanna pick your brain
as an abuse victim, even after YEARS of 'calm' and 'changes of ways', i would never be able to completely get rid of the lingering fear after seeing something like that. i can't imagine bee wasn't scared of konig in that moment
and as someone from a small town, making an ass of yourself like that will never be forgiven nor forgotten lol. konig will forever be remembered as the lumbering instigator that fucked around and found out, and if bee stayed with him, that reputation would get stuck to her too
again, i dont know bee's character super well (and i support womens rights and wrongs; she can be flawed and choose to look past things other people won't ignore to stay with someone she cares about) but i just wanna know your author thoughts lol these are your boobahs and i like to hear the thoughts. ill have time later today to read through your posts more too, i havent dug into bee's mostly bc i don't care for konig, but if they're all getting interlinked like this id like more context. just a heads up i might come back later and be like "AND ANOTHER THING-" or whatever lol
thank u hugs kisses i like ur cowboy stories :) <3
GREAT QUESTIONS
So I will say that in the overall context of the cowboy au I will be slotting Goose fighting König into the realm of "very dubiously canon" because you're right, there's no way Bee would trust him again after this.
I'm going to attempt to answer all your questions, but please bear with me because I can get long winded.
So to start off I will say that while Bee's backstory has been hinted at, it's never been officially written down. In my mind, the abuse she suffered at the hands of her (now dead) ex husband was mostly mental and emotional, I think if there was physical abuse that was her last straw that she had to get out.
Bee's relationship with König is interesting because I think in her mind, he is a sort of savior figure. He's always been there when she needed him, he never pressured her into anything, he was always kind and respectful, etc. König is big and scary, but he truly has always treated Bee incredibly well, and despite his *ahem* unorthodox methods has always had her best interest at heart. Bee is also VERY recently divorced, and he took EVERYTHING. König has been her rock since she moved to town and she's sort of imprinted on him to a certain extent.
For König... I have talked before about how I think he views women, but I will condense it into how I think he views Goose specifically before/after/during their fight. König has only met Goose once before in written canon and she pulled a gun on him immediately. It's not that Goose is a woman, it's that she is associated with Ghost. That is what I would consider the bottom line in König's thinking. If Goose was just some random woman in town he wouldn't care but she specifically occupies the space of "enemy combatant" because she's with Ghost.
I will say also König already has a reputation as a weird freak in town. People don't really care for him, but now he's also the guy that Goose beat up. So... not great for him. Bee on the other hand is fairly well liked. She's sort of clueless but she's well meaning and generally willing to learn or correct her mistakes. Like I said this fight fic is pretty dubiously canon I don't think it will actually effect the story the way it would irl, but those are Bee/König's standings in town.
As for whether Bee would take König back after watching him go after someone Bee sees as smaller and weaker than him(though König sees Goose as just another enemy to be taken down, women or not)... I don't know. That's why I say this fic is really dubiously canon, because you're right I don't see her taking him back after this. I think this would be the end of it, and I really love the love story I've crafted for the two of them. So it's a big old shrug from me boss. IDK
I think a genuine apology from König to Goose would help a lot. I think König sitting down and explaining his past to Bee would also help. If there was some added context, that it's a long standing beef between himself and Ghost and he made a bad judgement call, then that would be good for getting on the road to healing. Bee would also have to sit down and explain her feelings to König, all in all it would have to be a complete open communication between them, likely with a therapist moderating. But I don't want to write that because I genuinely don't think I would be able to do it justice.
Bee's story is one of my favorites, it's her fairy tale ending, it's her rebuilding her life and finding love despite her trepidation. It's a story of self healing and love, and I don't want to sabotage it with a fight.
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Twelth Doctor
1. Kindest
"Always try to be nice but never fail to be kind."
"Without hope, without witness, without reward"
"Among seven billions, there is someone like you. That's why I put up with the rest of them."
2. Bravest
"Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard I can feel it through your hands. There's so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain it's like rocket fuel. Right now you could run faster and you could fight harder, you could jump higher than ever in your life."
"I tried to talk, I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out, I tried to understand you but I think you understand us perfectly. I think you just don't care! I don't know if you are here to invade, infiltrate or just replace us, I don't suppose it really matters now, you are monsters! That is the role it seems you are determined to play so it seems I must play mine! The man that stops the monsters! I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And if you do, remember this: YOU are not welcome here! This plane is protected! I am the Doctor and I name you the Boneless!"
"Those people down there. They're never small to me. Don't make assumptions about how far I will go to protect them, because I've already come a very long way."
3. Wisest
Clara about Doctor "Because He always assumes he is going to win. He always knows there is a way to survive, he just has to go and find it."
"Hate is always foolish and love is always wise"
"Everything is far away, everything looks to small. I prefer it down there, everything is huge. Everything is so important, every detail, every moment, every life."
Hole speech, it's 10 minutes long, I would need a hole post to write this one out, but it's my favourite and just as important, if not more, in current times to understand the point the Doctor made in this clip.
4. Funniest, Sassiest and grumpiest
"Shut up, just shut up, shut up, shutiti up up up"
"Don’t look in that mirror. It’s furious.”
"You said you had a date. I thought I better hide in a bedroom in case you brought him home."
"London. What a dumb."
"No. This is impressive. (points at Clara) THIS is annoying."
"Planet of the pudding brains."
"Yeah, my carer. She cares so I don't have to."
And which Doctor is your favourite?
#inspiration#my favourite#doctor who#twelth doctor#doctor#quotes#words to live by#favourite tv shows#favourite characters#funny#peter capaldi#monologue#That is not an attack on other doctors#just my ramblings
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My grandpa came outside into the backyard and told me that my younger cousin is going to quit his job at [insert job here], and he is going to go work at another place, so my grandpa told me that I could go work at [insert job here]. He said that I could fill out the application online, or I could tell my younger cousin that I'm going to go in person, and my younger cousin can tell his manager to look out for somebody with my name.
That kind of made me sad, because I knew he was thinking about my birth name, and it made me feel bad because my name isn't [dead name], it's Rowan.
My name is Rowan, and it has always been Rowan. My name has never once been [dead name]. Sometimes it's Jayden, but like, 99% of the time, my name is Rowan.
I don't want to get a job or get an ID because I don't want people to know or see me as my birth gender. I don't want my ID to say "female". I want it to say "male".
I cut my hair and wear baggy clothes because I thought it would dampen the female parts of my body and appearance, but somehow, to me it only emphasizes it.
I was watching a YouTube video where the YouTuber was talking about a video game character's ex-girlfriend, and it just made me super insecure because I want to have a partner, but I'm sort of incapable of having feelings for somebody in a romantic context. I want to date someone; I want to be in love with someone, but I just can't get myself to have those feelings for them.
To make matters worse, all over my YouTube short page is Brett Cooper. She is basically the female version of Ben Shapiro, and everybody in her comment section was agreeing with her about how the LGBTQIA+ community is horrible and how the parents are horrible, toxic people for letting their AMAB children wear dresses and they were being sexist to women.
Most, if not all, transgender people tend to start exploring their identity when they are children or when they hit puberty. It's chemicals inside your brain saying that you don't want to be this or that you like [this] instead of [this]. You're born this way. It's not something that you choose to be.
I'm not a boy or girl; I'm just me, and I like all genders. What's wrong with wanting to wear boys' clothes? What's wrong with wanting to go by gender-neutral terms? What's wrong with having crushes on people for their personalities and not what's inside their pants? What's wrong with any of that?
One of my biggest fears—the thing that has been eating at me for the last couple hours—is that I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a woman who is married to a man. I don't want to be seen as that—I don't want to live my life as that.
Yeah, I'm pansexual; I will literally date anyone of any gender identity, because I care more about our emotional connection, their personality, and their appearance than what genitalia they have or their gender identity, but being a woman in a heterosexual relationship is just something I don't want to be outwardly seen as.
I don't know what about being seen, as CisHet is so gross to me. I guess it's just the 'being seen as a woman' part, because I'm not a woman, but I'm also not a man. I know I keep saying this, but I'm just me. I guess I am non-binary instead of genderfluid. Since I'm not a man, a woman, or anything else really,.
I guess it's just the feeling of being masculine or feminine, and not man or woman, but again, I'm not entirely sure on that because sometimes I do feel very strongly like a man, other times I feel strongly like a woman, sometimes I feel extremely neutrally aligned, and other times I feel completely genderless. So I guess non-binary and genderfluid I could just use together, even though I only want to use one label.
If I really had to sum it up into three labels, I would say: genderfluid, aroace, and pansexual.
My mom and I have been talking about cashing my checks at the bank, and I'm just so scared to do it because I don't want to have my birth name on my account and ID and then not be able to change it in the future. I want to legally change my name, but I have a lot of commitment issues, so I don't really know if I actually want to do that or not, but I really, really like going by the name Rowan. The name just makes me feel so nice and comfortable with myself, but I'm scared to tell my mom that my real name is Rowan.
I just don't know what to do and I'm scared.
#MOGAI#Queer#LGBTQIA+#LGBTQIA#LGBTQ#LGBTQ+#LGBT#LGBT+#LGBTQQIA#2SLGBTQ+#LGBT2SQQIA#transgender#transmasculine#non binary#nonbinary#non-binary#enby#genderfluid
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i was on a bus with the rest of my class the other day (we were coming back from our last school trip before graduation) and several things happened in a span of a few minutes.
a. my queerplatonic bf (i'll call him A.) asked if he could hang on my shoulder. (the answer was yes. the answer is literally always going to be yes, because i crave physical affection to an actually absurd degree and also i love him.)
about five seconds later his head is on my shoulder and his arm is around my other shoulder, and i'm feeling like i've ascended to the heaven of the touch-starved. just an absolute rush of serotonin to the brain.
b. i mentioned how it's kind of funny how physical affection basically gives me the same "daze of happiness" type effect that adjusting to anxiety meds did last year. then we talked about how we're both somewhat touch-starved.
c. i forgot how it came up, but the person sitting behind us ended up asking A something along the lines of if he was dating anyone, i don't really remember.
and he was like, "i've actually been in a relationship since october". and she asked with who, and A kind of gestures to me. and it took her half a second to figure out who he was talking about, so i turned around in my seat and grinned.
also we're in a really, really small class, so this girl loses her mind. she starts turning around to the people around her going, "they're dating?? did you know they're dating??" and then she turns to the guy next to her (who was dead asleep) and shakes him, going, "[name] wake up, they're dating!"
and he kind of stares at us, exhausted, and he looks at me and goes, "didn't you say you were. like. disgusted by the thought of someone loving you?" which. definitely were not my exact words. but yeah, i did mention being aro to this guy about two years ago. (kind of surprising that he remembered, honestly.) so then i start trying to explain, "well, it's not, like, romantic-" and he interrupts with, "okay, i do not want to think about you two fucking-"
me and A immediately interrupt with, "ew, no!" at the exact same time, and i start saying that i'm not into sex, but he was still like half asleep, so idk how much of that he actually got. and the girl next to him starts asking us questions, like if we kiss (we don't) and so, "...what do you do?"
and then i tried to explain the concept of a qpr, but my explanation was kind of confusing, even with A helping out a little. and so the girl said something along the lines of, "that makes no sense to me, but i'm glad you two are happy."
anyways, moral of the story is that A is great and i love qprs.
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Jazz's little. Her parents are super cool. They're ghost hunters! It sounds like something from a movie about future and scientists and supernatural beings and cool-looking tech. They have cool-looking tech at home. It's even cooler than tech in the movies.
Jazz also has a little brother. He's stupid but he's hers, and she will protect him from anything. Her brother is very small, he needs someone to protect him and teach him about the world.
She knows about the world. She understands their parents much better than him, and she can tell her brother when they shouldn't be distracted. She knows when they're upset and irritable, and she knows when they're too excited and being near them is dangerous because of all the inventions.
Jazz does a very good job keeping her little brother safe.
---
Jazz goes to school. Her teachers say that she's very smart, the best student in class, and very mature. Her parents are proud of her - when she manages to distract them from ghosts. Her brother is still kinda stupid and doesn't know how to properly fight food, but she's always there to protect him, because that's what older sisters do.
Her classmates seem to think that she's weird though. Some of them say mean things and call her a teacher's pet and a show-off. Jazz isn't sure why they think so because she's always trying to be friendly but maybe she's doing something wrong. She goes to the school library and finds a book about people and their communication.
It's a very interesting book.
---
Jazz is almost a teen. She's gotten better at communicating with people. The school library ran out of psychology books, and Jazz now has to go to the city library but that's fine. Human brain fascinates her.
She's been feeling like something is wrong about her though. She even thought that she was going crazy for a little bit. That probably wasn't true because she didn't match any symptoms but she was still worried.
Someone told her that being so good at lying and faking face expressions is not okay. That's probably not true, Jazz is pretty sure almost everyone can do that. Or maybe she's just being a prodigy again. It's a very good thing to be able to do after all. She can hide her emotions from her family when she's feeling sad. She wouldn't want to worry them, would she?
She'll have to research it.
---
Jazz is a teen. She now knows that her parents aren't actually that good. It's something that was really hard to accept but it did explain everything. Her parents are kinda bad at being parents, and they also don't really listen when she tries to explain it to them.
It's okay. She's almost an adult and Danny has her. She can take care of herself and her brother.
She learns everything she can about being a parent and a therapist and tries to use her knowledge. It's hard, but she's a Fenton, which means that she's very smart and determined. She pushes through, and trains on her classmates and herself.
In the evening she writes about her feelings in a journal. It's very important to be aware of her feelings because that's the first step to dealing with them.
She's experiencing sadness. And anger, actually, even though she doesn't like to admit that.
She writes "this family is a fucking mess" in her journal and then covers the paper with ink until the sentence is absolutely unreadable.
---
Jazz is sixteen, and her stupid parents opened the stupid portal, which means that they're even worse than usual. It's pretty much okay when they're just stuck in their stupid lab, making some stupid weapons. It's not that okay when they're out of the stupid lab, because they get their stupid inventions all over the stupid house, and stupid food comes to life, and she has to protect Danny from both their stupid weapons and stupid hotdogs, and oh god everything is so stupid.
She's experiencing anger.
She's also acting perfectly calm and almost cheerfully.
Jazz hates how perfect her fake smile is in the mirror.
---
Jazz is seventeen. She wants to put her headphones on and listen to some loud music. Jazz can't do that, because she gets anxious if she can't hear what's happening around her. She needs to be fully aware of her surroundings because she needs to be able to protect herself and her brother if weapons against ghosts become weapons against children again.
She thinks that it's not okay.
The house smells of ectoplasm, so she'll be extra careful when opening the fridge.
She thinks that she shouldn't know how ectoplasm smells.
Jazz should probably also warn Danny: her little brother's gotten better at fighting food but doesn't notice the smell of ectoplasm. Funny, considering his ghost sense.
Funny, considering that her brother is a half-ghost.
That her brother died.
That she failed at protecting him after all.
Jazz stops breathing to prevent herself from crying, and doesn't need oxygen for a few minutes too long.
Maybe she failed at protecting herself too.
---
Jazz is turning eighteen next month. Her parents are all of a sudden more attentive and caring, as if that can change their almost-absence during her whole life. She doesn't like their attention because she doesn't know how to deal with it. She doesn't even really think of them as parents anymore.
She thinks of them as a threat.
Once she's eighteen, she's gonna try to move out, and she's going to take Danny with her because it's not safe to leave him here. Maybe after she gets a good job and saves some money, she'll even get into therapy.
Jazz thinks that she needs therapy.
She's been having Bad Thoughts lately, and she doesn't write them down in her journal. Jazz stopped writing anything in there ever since she found out that Danny is a ghost. She just couldn't risk anyone finding that journal.
Jazz isn't sure if she should call those Bad Thoughts intrusive. They scare her, and they're Bad, but it could be just her normal thought process.
It's still definitely not normal.
---
Jazz is eighteen. Her parents are very excited, whispering to each other about how they found a perfect present for her, some surprise that she's gonna love.
She doesn't care.
Her little brother is late from school, and it's weird, because he was also super excited about giving her his present.
She's worried.
Her parents brush off her concern, say that Danny probably just got distracted talking with his friends. They don't listen when she says that Danny wouldn't get distracted like that on her birthday because he's not them, he actually cares about her, he doesn't forget her birthdays, and something has to be wrong for him to be that late.
They don't listen to her at all.
She's angry.
Her parents are excited and talk loudly about how they wanted to find a perfect gift for their favourite daughter, and how they managed to do it because they love her so much. She hates when they're excited. It only leads to problems.
They bring her to the lab because of course they do, why would they make a gift that is normal and isn't kept in the lab, right? They usher her in, so obviously proud of themselves.
She hates them.
And she hates them much, much more the next second, because the gift is her little brother in his ghost form, strapped to a table, unconscious and injured, and the smell of ectoplasm is strong in the lab because of his green blood dripping on the floor.
There's a cold part of her that analyses her feelings and tells her what emotions she's experiencing, and that part is very aware of thick black smoke of wrath twirling and twisting under her skin. It's suffocating, and she stops breathing as it invisibly fills her lungs, scared of letting it out.
There's a perfectly fake part of her that keeps the smile on her face as her parents gush about how hard it was to catch the ecto-scum, and what they can do to it - together with Jazz because they wanted to share this with their amazing daughter.
Jazz is black smoke of rage under perfect glass of calmness when she grabs Fenton anti-creep stick. The smile she learned to fake under any circumstances doesn't falter when Jazz brings the baseball bat down on her father's head. It grows a little bit wider when she hits her mother, because Jazz learned to smile brighter when she's hurt or sad or scared or angry - experiencing any "bad" emotion actually.
Jazz is angry when she grabs her weapon.
Jazz is furious when she kills her parents.
Jazz is worried when she checks her brother's wounds.
Jazz feels nothing when she rigs the portal to blow, walks out of the house and presses the button.
She is her parents' genius daughter after all, and she did listen when they were telling her about their inventions. Maybe it would have taken longer to do, but she had Bad Thoughts, and they probably weren't just intrusive after all, because she did what they told her and made it very easy to make a bomb out of a portal. Just in case. Her parents were a threat, and Jazz was smart enough to prepare to dealing with threats, and she was smart enough to make it look like the threats dealt with themselves.
She really hoped she wouldn't have to use that button though.
---
Jazz is nineteen. Her sort-of-friends at uni offer to go to a restaurant, and she tells them that she doesn't celebrate her birthdays. There's a noise of all of them saying that maybe she should try, noise that she really should have expected, because humans are always so excited about any holidays, it's hard for them to understand that someone might not like them. It's not hard to stop that noise though. They shut up very quickly when Jazz says that she had "a very traumatic event" on her birthday.
Good. She doesn't like loud people.
Jazz goes home to her little brother. He's sad because his parents died in an awful explosion a year ago. He's still trying to smile because it's also her birthday, and Jazz is very happy that he's bad at faking a smile.
It means that he won't end up like her.
Jazz hugs her little brother, and he gives her a little present that she adores, and then they sit in silence and eat some takeout. It's very nice.
She never tells Danny that their parents died before the explosion, and that the explosion wasn't an accident, and that their ghosts did form after that because of all the ecto-contamination they had, but she made sure this wouldn't become a problem. She never tells him what she's done, because that would hurt her little brother, and she would never let anything hurt him.
Jazz will protect her little brother from anything.
#I was feeling kinda upset yesterday#and decided to make it everyone's problem#this just clawed its way out and why not put it on tumblr#it's not like many people will see it#I love when a mix of “bad parents” AU with “protective Jazz” AU turns into “Jazz kills her parents” AU#I've seen a few stories with this twist and apparently it wasn't enough for my brain#Jazz deserves to go a little crazy#also yes Jazz is liminal here because of the ecto-contamination#and she found where the ghosts of Fentons were starting to form and destroyed them#killed them twice#double double kill#protective murderous Jazz my love#make her brother upset and she will make sure you're gone *forever*#if it's not clear: the “Bad Thoughts” was her thinking “maybe I should kill my parents before they kill my brother”#and then she went and did something with the portal so that it would be one added detail and a press of a button away from exploding#in case she needs to run away from home with Danny and kill their parents#she didn't know if she would be able to kill them with her hands and not from away because it's hard both physically and psychologically#but she couldn't risk them doing something to Danny#and it was easier than she thought it would be#I've been thinking a lot about how Jazz could get interested in psychology because of her own problems#and how she definitely hides her emotions#if you see any mistakes please tell me because this is also kinda my way of learning English better#danny phantom#tw: murder#tw: death#tw: neglect#this is my first time doing this so please tell me what warnings I forgot and I will add them
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laying in bed thinking about how Wukong is a people pleaser and this part of him gets frequently overlooked due to the focus on his hot-headedness/impulsivity
#Monkie Kid#lego monkie kid#tagging LMK cause i do think it uses this part of him#to add in events while still having him remain in Character#like of course Azure and the others convinced him to not be afraid and take on heaven#before heaven's army could arrive on his doorstep and force him to fight like in the books#like. he got kicked out of school because the other students encouraged him to show off#this is one hundred percent in character for him#if he got a single compliment he'd go along with whatever that person said when he was young#which is also part of how the Gold Star of Venus convinced him to get a job in Heaven#which Wukong was originally uninterested in#the fight against heaven + the mountain jaded him which made him more easily angered#(yknow. like a reasonable response to trauma)#but EVEN STILL during the Journey HE'S STILL A PEOPLE PLEASER#and then by the time of LMK he's mellowed out more which MAKES SENSE.#i could do a whole entire more formally written analysis about this but this is what i've got#brain cannot brain any more than this#anyways obligatory my opinions are my own and i respect anyone who disagrees with me tag#anyone who has another opinion is wonderful and valid but these are my thoughts
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I really wish there was more insight as to why children are "picky eaters" because the way people go about "fixing us" can be detrimental to our relationship with food.
When I was a kid, I was obviously neurodivergent, and I wasn't tested for anything and never received any support. I was a huge "picky eater" to the point that going to a new restaurant with a menu I didn't know would send me into panic mode. I didn't understand why I felt that way, I didn't understand that I wasn't a selfish, horrible kid for being unable to force myself to eat. I'd be the person sitting at the dining room table for hours because I just couldn't force myself to eat the food I was given.
I understand why parents do that. It can be concerning when you think your kid isn't getting the proper nutrition. It's concerning when a kid's pallete is overly shrunk down. But if you're going about it in a punishing way, you only reinforce the idea that food is bad and dangerous. And if a child knows that eating their food would cause them less grief and stress than not eating the food, and yet they still will not or cannot eat, that's a sign. Maybe work with children, try to understand why they're a "picky eater." Chances are they're not doing it because they personally want to spite you and they despise your very aura.
#parenting#disordered eating#disordered eating tw#and honestly the punishment of food/mealtime is honestly one of the reasons it was *easy* for me to delve into more disordered behaviours#because there was already the looming idea that food was bad but i was worse for not conforming to people's expectations of what i eat#but it could have been so much easier if i was actually asked what about food made me so ridged and 'uncompliant'#and this isn't me saying that you can't/shouldn't address picky eating. i just don't think brute force is effective or appropriate...#...most of the time. many kids do have phases of picky eating and sometimes it's for no reason and sometimes it's because of big concerns...#...that brute forcing can't address. addressing the needs of a child is complex and takes time but it's worth it to get to a spot wherein...#...the child trusts that they're safe and that food isn't an enemy - it's just fuel and we can make that act taste great#just a thought my brain was like 'here's this before i got to sleep have fun thinking on it 👍'
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I’ve been staring at Jumilhac papyrus plates for like five hours. Anyway, I think this is my favourite drawing:
I like the contrast, with the red and black and how Osiris and Set are inverted from each other. (Also, obvious symbolism with Set in the stock “enemy” pose and him being upside down.)
That vessel on Osiris’s chair in the corner looks like it might be a heart? If it is that would be cool, like it relating to how Osiris’s heart is vindicated against Set when he becomes ruler of the dead and Horus is given his inheritance as king.
This is what Set looks like when you turn it the other way, by the way:
This papyrus is from the Ptolemaic period, and I believe Set (“Typhon”) was usually as just a donkey instead of a special animal by then. I like that he has a more canine head here, I think it looks cool (EARS!!! HE HAS POINTY EARS!!)
Also he has hieroglyphs next to him spelling his name instead of just an ideogram, which is cool. They’ve spelled it Stš here. (Usually it was Stẖ, but sometimes the š was sometimes used instead of ẖ in words sometimes.) Anyway, you’d pronounce that either S-t-sh or S-t-ch depending on who you ask (and of course the vowels are missing because it’s ancient Egyptian, so when you read it out loud you could say it Setesh or Setech even though that’s probably not how the ancient Egyptians said it).
#Egyptian mythology#Usir#sutekh#ancient Egypt stuff#Ava has thoughts#The Jumilhac papyrus#ẖ is a fun sound because we really don’t know how they said it#It could have been an L sound maybe#Most of the time people just say it ‘kh’ like they do for ḫ though#Knowing Middle Egyptian a little bit is messing with me on this papyrus#I think it’s probably in Late Egyptian? All the information about is in French so I can’t tell. It’s most likely Late Egyptian.#If it is I know enough Middle Egyptian to recognize some of the overlapping words. And my brain keeps trying to read the rest#Even though if it is late Egyptian then I probably won’t understand most of it or I’ll mistake what it says for something else#ity… I’ve heard that word before I think but I can’t remember what it means. Feet of our lord… gods something something through Osiris#I keep thinking something in there says ‘Nephthys was spoken’ but that probably doesn’t make sense#Doesn’t matter anyway cause like I said I’m probably wrong about all of it#No id#undescribed
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not to be like “i miss college” even though i do but mostly i think i miss being smart. before depression and life events had chewed up and partially swallowed my brain. just getting to problem solve and think, being Very Into something as the norm. i know being an english major is basically the easiest thing you can be at the undergrad level but i do feel like that was the one and only time in my life where my natural state was actually a pro instead of a con. i graduated with the highest honors and absolutely no one cared but i cared
#aster chat#family life exploding exactly one (1) month from graduation is still just. it. god. it was almost seven years ago and it still hurts#SO much. i had worked so hard to graduate with the honors i did#i took a 400 level history class in my 2nd semester with one of the hardest humanities profs and i got a B#i basically lived in a break room for a whole semester because my misophonia was so bad with my roommate at night#i stashed pillows and blankets behind a couch and slept there to stay sane enough to write my papers#i got so close to Ending Things three times and DIDN'T#my professors LOVED ME#and then graduation came and it was just. over.#went right back home to sit between my parents as much as i could and get yelled at and watch everything go down the drain#like as soon as i walked out of college i stopped existing except as something for my parents and my job to use up#like. i know it's cringy to still be thinking about college but that was the last time i mattered as myself. you know#people liked me because of my brain! my thoughts! not for what i could do for them or for a paycheck#me qua me#okay lmao Antidepressant Time bye#no offense but my english classes wouldn't have made me feel weird about saying 'boon' instead of 'pro' up there#i changed it to not sound like an assclown but my profs would have thought it was funny.
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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