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the-moon-lullaby · 1 year

Note

Candy receiving a oral from the boys and candy doing a blowjob on the boys in hsl headcanons

NSFW : The HSL Boys receiving a BJ

N/A: So that's the first NSFW request on this blog. I had to cut the request in two part because first : it is exam season and I am in big trouble y'all and second, 2 headcanons topic in 1 request makes it too long to write.

Anyway, hope you like it (it’s not proofread, sorry if this sucks, no pun intended) In the meantime, I am going to horny jail and you guys are coming with me

𝙲𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚎𝚕 :

Firstly, unlike the other boys Castiel isn't new to blowjobs since he had a kinda "long-term" girlfriend before (we won’t mention the snake’s name but she says it in the game that they had their little fun together. Anyway.)

Therefore, it’s not about wanting to see how it feels or anything because he already knows that he likes it a lot

He kinda likes the idea of Candy giving him one but he doesn’t want her to feel pressured to do so. However he might let slip some hints that it’s something he wouldn’t be against

Yet, he didn’t expect her to really catch on these until one day of they were just casually hanging out and Candy seemed to feel particularly bold with her kisses and touches that day

She'd be quite suggestive about what she had in mind but Castiel would think she’s just messing around. Only to find out that she’s not

He’s often the one teasing her and all but this time he's the one taken aback (in a good way tho)

He’d start to wonder if he should let her keep going but after all, who is he to stop her ? So, you can assume that he’ll let her get her way, his notorious smirk on his lips while looking at her going down on him

He wouldn’t shy away from her gaze as she looks up to him while she presses a soft kiss on his tip to begin with(even though this sight makes him scream internally) and as her mouth slowly sink on him, he wouldn’t be able to contain a curse

He’d let slip a few curse words actually like « fuck » or « damn it »

If she’s okay with it, he’d pull her hair a little to guide her since he knows what works for him. He’d make sure to let her know that she’s doing well by saying things like « yes that’s it » or « fuck you’re doing amazing ». He’d struggle to not buck his hips and he’d try to keep them in place so it wouldn’t bother her

When he reaches his peak, it'd probably be a lot ‘cause blowjob are a big turn on for him. When he’s done, it would take him a few minutes to collect his thoughts and regain his composure.

Then, he’d caress Candy’s cheek tenderly but wouldn’t miss an opportunity to tease her though (« Someone’s feeling bold I see. We should definitively do that again»)

𝙻𝚢𝚜𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 :

During sex Lysander does use his mouth a lot and always uses it to worship Candy’s body by covering it with kisses

It’s not like he does it for Candy to imitate him despite the fact that he adores it when she returns the favour. Nothing feels better to him than the feeling of her mouth trailing kisses on his skin with such lust.

He didn’t expect this feeling to be taken to a whole other level. Yet one time after he told her how much he loved and how sweet her lips felt on his skin, she replied that she could make this mouth do wonders somewhere else if he was down for it

Lysander, as the gentleman he is, did not even consider this idea until that night where they were laying in his bed at his place. The flat being empty if not for the both of them since his brother went out on a date with Rosalya

Therefore the situation seemed quite auspicious to this sort of experiment hence he wouldn’t show much opposition to it and would actually be quite curious to see where this might lead

He’d watch her peppering his chest with soft kisses that would gradually get closer to his pelvis while his breath would become more and more sharp in anticipation

He’d get aroused at this sight but a part of him feel slightly anxious about it since it all feels very new to him. So he’d let one of his hand wander through Candy’s hair, reassuring himself with this familiar gesture

Unexpectedly, he wouldn’t take his eyes of her and as he’d feel her mouth finally reaching him and starting to move around his dick, a low moan would slip between his lips

He did not expect enjoying Candy worshipping him like this so much but as she kept alternating between kisses and greedy licks, the pleasure he got out of it almost felt overwhelming

Even though he doesn’t shy away from eye-contact, he’d be blushing the whole time and the knot in his stomach would keep growing tighter. Nonetheless, he’d let Candy hear this sweet voice of his by praising her and calling her sweet names as she goes on

He’d would prefer if Candy takes it slow, that way he gets to really focus on the sensations and it also allows to make the moment last longer

However, as it is the first time they’re doing this, it would be hard for him to actually last. Luckily, Candy would be able to tell when he’s close by the way his hand, that was previously caressing her hair, presses on her nape

By the end of it, he’d pull her close and kiss her with a loving look (« That was really nice, you were perfect dear »)

𝙰𝚛𝚖𝚒𝚗 :

Armin is really open minded when he comes to sex and he’s not ashamed to make his attentions crystal clear

He actually searches up new things to experiment through PG18 websites and his historic would attest of the fact that blowjobs are a huge yes for him ( it might be the category Armin searches the most actually ‘cause I just know this guy watches porn and he’s not even a tad embarrassed about it because « hey, everyone does it » - Armin probably, when he was caught by Alexy who entered in his room without knocking)

He often jokes around about it with Candy but without ever expecting her to take him seriously

When he invited her for a few games of LoL that day and kept tickling her to distract her to the point she kept loosing. Of course, she was a bit annoyed in the end

To which he only responded « C’mon, let me show you how it's done » and he sat at his desk launching a game as he would usually do

But little did he know that Candy intended to get her sweet revenge on him so in the middle of it, as he was doing pretty good and was certain to win, he did not see her kneel in front of him, too focused on the screen

It only when she started to undo his belt and trousers that he realised what was happening and would then have to stop just to stare at her in complete disbelief

She’d tell him to not mind her and simple keep on with his game. He would obliged with a nervous laugh, his hand now shaking on the keyboard

He’d have a hard time focusing on his game as he was obviously distracted by the feeling of her tongue against his cock. And he could feel that Candy had no intention to stop teasing him as she was changing the pace to keep him from getting used to it too quickly. Yet, he was certainly not going to complain and would try to get little glimpses of the show that was happening under the desk to a point it became hard to keep his eyes on the screen

He wouldn’t last more than five minutes in these conditions and yet that’d be enough for him to loose his game (and he probably never did such a bad game lol), making Candy pretty satisfied with herself

He’d pretend to be bothered by it but deep down that was better than what he had expected (« You’re not playing fair babe but fuck, that felt good »)

𝙽𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚎𝚕 :

Nathaniel would never admit it but he imagined Candy giving him a blowjob quite a few times already

I think this might be a kind of a "kink" to him because he was raised in a such strict environment (that he now despise from the bottom of his heart) and he was always expected to act in this ‘traditional’ way and everyone always viewed him as a goody-two-shoes. However, this lustful vision totally contradict this persona that was pressed upon him since basically forever (which is why he like this idea so much despite a part oh him being slightly ashamed about it)

(Am I slipping a bit too much into psychoanalysis for that ? Sorry lol)

His fantasies often takes place at school somehow (the adrenaline of getting caught especially with his Student Body President’s statut turns him on way more than he’d like to)

So there were some moment where he imagined Candy getting on her knees in front of him, while he was sat at his desk in the Student Council Room - or in the lockers’ room (chances are that he used these images to get off on his own from time to time)

But he’s afraid that Candy might get offended if as he’s not sure she’s into that kind of stuff

Well this was until one afternoon, when they both were at his place to (originally) study and before they both know it, a particularly heated make-out session started on his couch (they’re studying anatomy y’all don’t worry). After taking his shirt off, Candy started to kiss his torso while letting her kisses going lower and lower until reaching his lower abdomen

He started to blush instantly when he understood what she wanted to do and he probably never felt so hot in his life

He would consider stopping her but he can't say that he doesn't want this, so he'd ask her just in case "are you sure ?" and if she is, he would watch slowly getting on her knees, still in disbelief

He’d feel pretty exposed at first and wouldn't know where to look or where to put his hands. So, he'd just let his body sink into his couch, with his head leaned back and he’d look at the ceiling until she decides to start, letting her do things at her pace

When he finally feels her lips on his tip, carefully embracing him, he can’t help but gasp and shut his eyes. He’d try to completely focus on the sensations but the arousing thoughts he had before wouldn’t take long to resurface in his mind

He’d try really hard to keep his composure and would also try to keep his voice down, only letting out a few sighs however Candy’s mouth’s doing wonders, he almost forgot how to properly breathe. But at some point, he’d just be like « fuck it » and he’d gently grab Candy’s hair, guiding her to a pace that gets him off and making her taking more of him

It wouldn’t take him long to reach his climax because the fact that it is happening when he clearly thought this vision would stay a fantasy makes it hard for him to last (also would struggle to maintain eye contact because that would be the last straw for this boy)

When he ends up finishing in her mouth, he’d kinda be worried as he was so into it that he did not warn her so he’d immediately propose to go get some water and he’d keep ask her if she’s okay

Then he wouldn't really know what to say so he'd thank her ‘cause, well, she really surprised him with that and he enjoyed all of it (« Thanks for that… You were so good… »)

𝙺𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗 :

Even he’s trying to act though and chill about sex, it’s still something he’s still a bit shy about

Luckily for him, Candy’s often the one to take initiatives and he loves that about her

He loves discovering her body with such intimacy and love

Therefore, each time they’re getting a little steamy together, the atmosphere always feels pretty romantic and he often craves it since it’s a bit hard for them to find a moment when they can be totally on their own (because it cannot happen at home with his parents or with Candy’s and almost always around)

Somehow, his girlfriend’s parents were gone for the night to attend a little dinner party at her aunt Agatha’s place. When she invited him to come over, he certainly didn’t make her ask him twice

They’d order pizza and make themselves comfortable in Candy’s room while watching a movie they spent half an hour choosing

And they’d be cuddling together under the sheets with the laptop playing the said movie. But after a little while, Kentin could feel Candy getting a little handsy. He wouldn't mind it at all since it had been a while since they had the chance to be alone together without risking to be interrupted

So he’d start catching up on her mood and he’d let his hands caress her body while she was eagerly placing kisses on his neck

He’d feel her mouth going up and muttering against his ear that she wanted to try something new and when she told him what she meant by that, it was like he blushed like never before

The idea never crossed his mind as he was always satisfied with the simplest things when he was with her. Now though, as he was seing her almost eager to taste him, he felt like him reconsidering his whole life and he would shyly accept her offer, aroused at the thought

She’d smile at him before going under the blanket, tracing kisses here and there on her way down

Kentin would be kind of relieved that the blanket was there because he’d probably finish before she reaches him if he could actually witness such a show

He has no idea of what he’s supposed to do with his hands so he’d just grab the sheets, his knuckles turning white from the grip as he feels her mouth taking him

He’d completely forget about the movie that was keep playing and Candy would be the only thing in his mind at this moment (she always is tho)

At some point, the feeling of her tongue swirling around his dick would be too much for him to handle and he couldn’t help but to buck his hips a little, feeling that he’s getting close to come undone in her mouth

It would take him a little moment to process what just happened and to recollect his thoughts but afterwards he would lustfully kiss Candy, thinking about taking initiatives as well.

And we're done ! (will I regret writing that instead of studying for my exam ? Maybe, but I'll have all the time in the world to regret my choice in the exam room), I really hope that this work (if not, well it is what it is I guess)

I'll go study to cleanse my soul but in the meantime, I hope you guys have a nice week !

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once-upon-an-animation · 11 months

Text

My massive TSATS Review

Hi everyone. In this post, I will sharing my thorough review of The Sun & The Stars by Rick Riordan and Mark Oshiro. I don’t normally do thorough book reviews, but since I’ve invested a lot of time, effort, and money into the hype for this book, I feel like a thorough book review is the best way to top off the journey. In this review, I’m going to be going over my honest feelings, thoughts, and opinions on the plot, the characters, and the writing quality. I took notes as I was reading, so certain things may be repeated/out of order/etc. In addition, I only took notes on the things that stood out to me. Therefore, if it’s not mentioned in this review, it means that it’s a detail that I felt neutral on/didn’t care about.

When I do reviews, I like to share details about me that may contribute to my perspective on the book, so that anyone reading this review is aware of any biases I may have. So here are some of the opinions I held prior to starting the book:

I am not a Nico stan. I don’t hate Nico, and I actually enjoy his character quite a bit, but I wouldn’t call myself a stan. I don’t worship or feel particularly attached to his character.

I am not a Solangelo shipper. I like Solangelo as a concept, but have been particularly unimpressed with its execution thus far, especially its introduction in Blood of Olympus (BoO).

As of ToA, I’m not a big fan of Will’s canon personality. I acknowledge and accept it as canon, and I don’t like it. Ever since Will and Nico’s first interactions in BoO, the way Will talks to Nico about his experiences has always rubbed me the wrong way.

Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I am currently unsure of my sexual/romantic orientations. Therefore, I don’t know how much this book means to me in terms of “representation”, and I’m not necessarily nuanced on all aspects of queer relationships. \

I did not like the preview. I read the preview of the first few chapters when it was released/leaked, which Mark shared that they wrote. And yeah…I was not a fan. The writing wasn’t bad, but it did feel a little jarring, which was to be expected. However, the characters, jokes, and overall flow felt off. And I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing this, but it absolutely gave off fanfiction vibes. I mean, TSATS is essentially canon fanfiction given that Mark is not the author of this franchise.

Lastly, the following arguments: “This book isn’t for you; it’s for kids!”, “It’s a kid’s book, it’s supposed to be cringey/corny/silly!”, “If you don’t have anything nice to say about the book, just shut up!”, and “If you think anything was wrong with this book, you didn’t read it right!” do not mean anything to me. Just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly lost the capacity to evaluate the quality of children’s media. If adults are allowed to create children’s media, then adults should also be allowed to analyze them and critique them. In addition, if adults are allowed to review a book and say that it’s good, then adults should be allowed to review a book and say that it’s bad. Positive opinions are not inherently more valid or morally better than negative ones. Negative opinions have their place in art and literature consumption and people are allowed to dislike things and share why. If you cannot handle the possibility that people thought this book was bad, then book discussion is not an arena you should be in. Lastly, I do not hold children’s media or diverse media to lower standards. Children’s media can and should be of high quality. Diverse media can and should be of high quality.

Whew, okay! Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get started! Warning: There will be spoilers! And this post will be very huge/long!!!

Plot

So the basic gist of the plot is that Nico has been hearing this voice calling out to him from Tartarus and he believes that it’s Bob, so he and Will journey down to Tartarus to go rescue him. They stop by the Jackson apartment to get some advice from Percabeth, they spend some time in the Underworld with the troglodytes, and then they face off with Nyx in Tartarus, who is holding Bob hostage. As far as the overall plot, I was very “meh” on the whole thing. I already disliked the premise because A) I think Rick’s version of Tartarus is kind of lame and he always insists on turning things into a joke down there, and B) It felt kind of repetitive with Percabeth’s journey. In addition, Will and Nico don’t actually reach Tartarus until more than halfway through the book, which is actually ridiculous. As a result, the first half of the book feels like such a massive drag and around Chapter 26, I kept wondering “Holy cow, when are they going to get to main destination!!?!??”

Before anyone comes for me, I completely understand that this book is more character-focused than plot-focused. In some ways, this is a welcome change, but in other ways, it really makes certain portions of the book feel like a slog to get through, especially if you’re not a diehard Nico/Will/Solangelo stan and you were hoping for an exciting story outside of the characters. Just because you’re spending more time with the characters doesn’t mean that your story should be lagging. You’re supposed to weave the character development into the main plot.

Anyway, here are my specific chapter notes, arranged in groups:

Chapters 1-5

- So it seems like not much was changed between the preview I read and the final version of the story. I’m kind of disappointed about that because as previously stated, I didn’t really like the preview.

- The Darth Vader joke: I thought the overall joke was cute, but I think it’s the way it was written that makes it land weirdly. I think it went on for just a tad too long.

- I’m not really buying the idea that there are zero kids staying at CHB for the year aside from Nico and Will. I understand the explanation that the book gave, but I find it very unlikely that every single kid at CHB has a happy home to return to, especially given Annabeth’s and Leo’s storylines as examples.

- On a positive note, I am happy to see Nico’s Italian heritage being a stronger part of his character.

- I really enjoyed Nico’s dream sequence in the beginning chapters. It felt nice to see dreams used not just as a plot device but in a way that says more about the emotions of the character. I hope you’re taking notes, Uncle Rick!

Chapters 6-10

- I have mixed feelings about the Percabeth cameo. On the one hand, I feel like it’s tradition to have them cameo in books now since they’re no longer main characters and people like having updates on them. I also think receiving their advice about Tartarus made sense. On the other hand, their advice was kind of shitty and not very useful. There were so many practical tips they could have given, such as certain enemies (ie. Nyx) or certain locations (ie. Hermes’ shrine) to look out for, and they just like…didn’t. It kind of kills me because Annabeth in particular is supposed to be the “smart” and “wise” character, but whenever she has an opportunity to actually do something wise and helpful, Rick dodges that shit like the plague.

- Speaking of WiseGirl, Annabeth’s “Why you, Nico?” line pisses me off and feels like a really stupid question that she should know better than to ask. Unless there are details that I’m missing, Annabeth knows that Percy’s relationship with Bob is quite strained due to the fact that Percy never visited him and Nico being the one to visit is the main reason that Bob was willing to help. Why would it surprise her that Bob would call out to Nico instead of them? Is Nico not the one who actually formed a friendship with the guy? In addition, why should it even matter that Bob didn’t call out to them? It’s not like she and Percy would have actually gone, given how traumatized they are by Tartarus and how they’re trying to live peaceful lives. So again, what is the motivation for asking a rude question like this? Did she actually want to lead the rescue mission? Would a call from Bob that she may have ended up ignoring make her feel validated> Is she offended or jealous or something? Sorry, but this question annoyed me so much and I don’t understand why Annabeth felt like she needed to ask it given everything she knows about Bob and Nico.

- I appreciate hearing Nico make some positive comments about Percy, especially since a lot of Nico/Solangelo stans insist that Percy is the Devil Incarnate. Hopefully, the fact that their favourite character doesn’t hate Percy as much as they do will inspire some of them to chill.

Chapters 11-15

- The nightmares/visions during the encounter with Epiales were pretty well done. In fact, I wish some of Annabeth and Percy’s encounters in Tartarus had gone a little more like Will’s visions in this scene; having nightmares about their insecurities regarding each other and questioning their relationship.

- The troglodyte scene was really dragging. A lot of the dialogue at the beginning of Chapter 14 felt stale and unnecessary.

Chapters 16-20

- The Nyx encounter in the Chapter 17 flashback was really good, and is everything Nyx should have been in HoH.

- Nico’s Tartarus recall was a little…underwhelming. Like the Nyx encounter was great, I just expected for more things to happen to him, like more monster encounters and stuff.

Chapters 21-25

- The ‘story time’ about Nico asking Will out on a date irks me for multiple reasons. 1) So ever since Rick decided to be more upfront about tackling social justice/deeper relationship topics in his books, his writing has developed this preachy quality to it where it feels like he’s just lecturing his readers through the voice of the characters and hand-holds them through his exploration of relationship/queer topics. I hate when Rick does this because the writing is way too on-the-nose and the characters sound awkward and not really like themselves; they sound like someone outside of the story is talking to you. This first date story time reeks of that on-the-nose quality and I don’t like it. 2) I have doubts about whether asking Will out in front of the entire camp (or being the one to ask for a first date in general) is actually in character for Nico. I think Nico could have opened up more as the relationship progressed, but making the first move in the beginning seems more like it should be a Will thing. 3) I am so sorry, but I do not buy for a second that no demigod at CHB felt comfortable in their queerness before Nico came along. It’s a Greek myth camp, for crying out loud. Not only are a lot of the Greek myths and mythological figures hella queer (including some of the Olympians!!!) but some of these kids are also products of queer relationships (ie. Kayla Knowles). Not to mention, one of the biggest narrative themes of CHB is that it’s a place where demigods who have never felt quite at home in the mortal world can establish a sense of belonging and not feel like they’re weird or unusual. Now, I understand that CHB has shown judgment towards certain things (like children of Hades), but that’s mostly because of Hades’ reputation and misunderstanding from myths. And like I said earlier, those same myths also include some queer relationships amongst some of its more beloved figures, so I don’t know that being non-cishet would have been viewed as weird or unusual at a place like CHB if they’re following the myths so closely. Sorry, this argument is kind of disorganized, but overall, CHB is a camp where kids have all kinds of experiences, powers, interests, family backgrounds, monster encounters and more. A girl who likes girls or a boy who likes boys is probably one of the least notable things that they’ve ever encountered, and I just have a hard time believing that the entire camp would be homophobic to the point where no one was comfortable with being out.

- So I actually really like the idea of Persephone and Will interacting and talking about how to manage being in the Underworld. However, something about the dialogue in this scene felt…stale. I understood the message that was being sent, but the actual conversation itself felt a little bland. I’m also disappointed to see that Rick/Mark fell into that same pattern that anyone who writes about Persephone does where they try to romanticize things between Persephone and Hades, and make Demeter seem like a bad figure. Like gee, your mother was protective of you and got mad when you were kidnapped and raped against your will; what a terrible mother, huh? And just once, I would like to read a story where Persephone rightfully bears a little resentment towards Hades for dragging her into a marriage that she didn’t actually want afaik.

Chapters 26-30

- Shout out to the narrative for gleefully reminding us that we are not yet in Tartarus as of Chapter 26, which is more than halfway through the book. Goodness gracious!

- Will & Nico’s “argument” is…okay. I was hoping that it would be moreso about Will’s comments seeing as that’s been the biggest issue so far.

- The infamous Lil’ Nas X reference…not only is it kind of random, but I’m surprised that it’s even in this book. Is the ‘Montero’ video actually appropriate for this book’s target audience? (And when I say ‘appropriate’, I’m not referring to the queer themes, I’m referring to the sexual stuff, like the lapdancing on Satan and whatnot.)

Chapters 31-35

- We are on Chapter 32 of a 51-chapter book with about 160 pages left, and the characters are just now arriving to their main destination. I’m so sorry, but that is such a silly writing decision that I can NOT take seriously.

- I enjoyed the Solangelo argument in chapter 34. Wish it had been a little longer.

Chapters 36-40

- Ah, the infamous aeternae. When I went to Rick/Mark’s TSATS tour, Mark revealed that their first draft of this scene had initially been super serious and scary, but they eventually felt like they had written something too scary. Mark revealed that Rick’s “strategy” for handling a super scary scene was to “cut the tension” with a joke. And so, Mark took the scary aeternae scene and turned it into a joke by making the aeternae a pair of himbos. Words cannot describe how much I hate this. Why can’t scary things be allowed to stay scary? It’s Tartarus, my guy. It’s supposed to be the most frightening place a demigod can be. Why should any aspect of it be turned into a joke? The unnecessary humor messes with the tone of the story and ruins all the suspense and tension that’s been built up. It also makes Tartarus seem less intimidating than it should be.

Chapters 41-45

- Words cannot describe how much I hate the implication that Nyx and Nico produced “children” together. Yes, I know they’re not real children, but I still hate the implication. It’s creepy.

- Now going into this book, I knew damn well that Will wasn’t going to get left behind. I also knew Bob wasn’t likely to get left behind because having them go on this rescue quest only for him to not make it out would be a little pointless. But the cocoa puff thing felt like such a cop-out. Like how convenient is it that Nyx brought these demons to life at the right time so that they were just oh-so conveniently available for Nico to sacrifice in the most in-your-face symbolism for letting go of his demons?

Chapters 46-51

- Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Nico tell us in Heroes of Olympus (HoO) that Bianca tried for rebirth? What is she doing in Elysium?

- The dream scene with Nico, Hades, Bianca, and Maria was very sweet. Probably my favourite scene in the entire book.

- “What an ingenious way of fulfilling the prophecy” Chiron says. Good job, Rick/Mark. Way to not-so-subtly pat yourselves on the back there!

- Shout out to Shel from finally graduating from being a plot device/narrative tool to being something of an actual character (this is moreso shade at Rick). The fact that she’s Native like Piper is really nice.

- Nico’s conversation with Piper is fine, but I don’t like the way it’s written. It’s another heaping pile of that on-the-nose, hand-holding, social-justice-lecture, talking-through-the-character style of writing that I don’t really like. Again, I have no issue with the topic at hand. But the characters do not sound like themselves. They sound like Rick talking to the audience. It’s weird, and I can almost guarantee that there was a better way to write this dialogue.

- Kind of sad that Bob isn’t sticking around, but it’s cool that he’s heading west. Potential reunion with Percy? Hope so. Maybe he and Percy can talk and Percy can apologize/smooth out their relationship.

Characters

So in this section, I’m going to discuss the characters individually, and also Solaneglo’s relationship. I will obviously have the most to say about Nico/Will/Solangelo. In addition, I will only point out the things that stood out to me, and I will try not to repeat myself. So if this character section seems kind of short, it’s probably because my thoughts have been spread out in other sections of this review.

Nico

Overall, I think I liked Nico’s character in this book. I liked that we got to learn a little more about his family relationships, his dreams, his solo time in Tartarus, and his perspective on certain characters and past events. However, his characterization did feel…off…from time to time. I think the reason why has less to do with TSATS in particular and more to do with how Rick has been handling Nico’s character ever since the end of BoO. I think Rick was so insistent on giving Nico a healing/happy-ending romance as quickly as possible that he not only rushed through Solangelo’s introduction and glossed over their initial development, but he also rushed through Nico’s healing process. I feel like there are large chunks of Nico’s emotional healing that was skipped during all the time jumps between BoO/ToA and within ToA itself, and anything that’s told to us in TSATS can only be told in retrospect. As a result, Nico’s joking/ flirting/ wisecrack nature in TSATS feels really sudden and maybe even OOC, because Rick never really showed us when and how Nico developed into this version of himself. To summarize, I believe this version of Nico could exist someday, but the transition needed to be longer, and more importantly, more of it needed to be shown to the reader.

In addition, while we did learn a lot more about Nico, I feel like there were still major things that were missing. His relationship with Hazel was surprisingly absent from his thoughts, and Reyna was barely mentioned, if at all. This represents a larger issue I have with Rick Riordan where, as soon as a character becomes a couple with someone, he tends to shaft their non-romantic relationships in favour of the romance. Like how Grover and Sally lost a lot of narrative importance in Percy’s life in favour of Annabeth during HoO; I really hated that.

Will

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this review, I came into TSATS not really liking Will and not really thinking that he’s the godsend boyfriend for Nico that the fandom likes to paint him as. I was hoping that TSATS would change my mind about Will, and while his character was improved for me in some ways, I think I walked away from this book still not really liking him that much.

So Will’s arc was mostly about accepting the darkness within Nico, the world, and within himself instead of viewing it as something inherently bad/evil or something he has to fix. As a part of this arc, he spends a lot of time complaining about the Underworld/Tartarus and associated concepts (ie. death, darkness, misery, ghosts, etc.) during the quest. Look. I understand the whole thing about Will being a child of Apollo and therefore not really vibing with the Underworld/Tartarus well. I understood and actually enjoyed his fear to some extent. However, I have some thoughts about the nature of these complaints. First of all, Will is not a newbie demigod. According to him and some of his background that’s established in this same book, Will has been at CHB for a while now, and he has endured 3 major conflicts in which numerous friends and siblings died. Will has had more than a lifetime of exposure to death and misery, so I don’t understand why this quest is being treated like his first rodeo with death and misery. I can’t really say it’s OOC for him given how limited his characterization has been before this, but still, it doesn’t really align with the established facts we know about Will. The themes of death and sadness should not be new concepts to him, yet this book is acting like he has never been exposed to this stuff before, despite the fact that the narrative literally acknowledges that he’s been through this stuff before. Again, I’m totally fine with him fearing monsters and total darkness and stuff, but loss and grief are things he should be more than familiar with. In addition, the narrative goes so far to even throw in that Will likes true crime podcasts. Now, listening to podcasts and being in the Underworld/Tartarus are two very different experiences, yes. But I just find it odd that Will can tolerate media about murder/kidnappings/etc. But the death and misery associated with the Underworld has him shaking for some reason.

I also find it odd that Will’s regard to Nico’s struggles with darkness, death, and misery is not always consistent. He can demonstrate the kind, empathetic, snd understanding nature of a healer when he needs to (ie. page 144 when Nico is about to start his Tartarus recall) but somehow he can’t see the insensitivity in the comments he keeps making about the Underworld? Again, it’s okay that Will doesn’t personally like the Underworld, but how is he not realizing how uncomfortable it must be for Nico to keep hearing all these complaints about concepts that he, as a son of Hades, is strongly associated with? On page 185, Will asks Nico yet another question about how he doesn’t find the ghosts disturbing. Nico explains that the Underworld is his second home and Will’s immediate response? “I could never live here.” Like look, this is a totally valid and understandable opinion for Will to have, but it’s also a dickish thing to respond to what Nico said, and the context in which it’s being said makes it frustrating. How and why is Will still acting surprised about what Nico is comfortable with? Nico is a son of Hades, for crying out loud! Him being comfortable with darkness, death, ghosts, and other associated things should NOT be a shock to anyone, let alone his own boyfriend of 6+ months. During the entire book, I couldn’t help but wonder why Will was even dating Nico in the first place if Nico’s domain made him this uncomfortable.

I’m glad Will and Nico were able to talk about this and smooth things over at the end, but by the time this arc was resolved, my annoyance with Will had already been solidified.

Another component of WIll’s arc is that he felt like he was a burden to Nico on the quest because of how much he was struggling with the lack of light and the fact that he kept getting injured/tired. This is fine and I actually like this. What I thought was a little silly was Will forgetting to bring a weapon or something to fight with. Yes, I understand that Will’s unpreparedness was a part of his arc, but while I fully understand his unpreparedness for the darkness/lack of light, him not bringing a weapon is very stupid, and the narrative acknowledging it doesn’t make it any less stupid. Again, Will is practically a veteran as far as demigod things go. How he could make such a silly mistake is beyond me. You’re going into the most dangerous territory in the Greek myth world for demigods, and you didn’t think you should have something to protect yourself with? Seriously? And the worst part is that Nico/the narrative literally mentions that Will has been in three major conflicts so far, but from the way Rick and Mark wrote him at certain points in this book, you’d never be able to tell.

Solangelo (as a pair)

I mentioned at the beginning that I am not a Solangelo shipper, so all the romance in this book didn’t have me leaping for joy as it may have for others. Overall, I still like the concept of their relationship and the themes associated with it, but I’m still not a fan of the way they're being executed. Will’s character arc made things a little harder for me, and the fanfiction vibes of the book were not my cup of tea. I have a smattering of different thoughts about Solangelo in this book, so I’m going to jump from idea to idea.

First, some of the romance/flirting/bantering did come off quite cheesy in a way that’s unusual in Rick’s better books (part of what gives TSATS fanfiction vibes).. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that the two boys like each other and have fun together, but it started to feel excessive at some point. Like Will recalling how Percabeth said being cheesy helps, and then Nico responding “Lay it on me, Will. I’m your grilled cheese” (page 373) made me put the book down so I could take a break. And before anyone come for my neck saying “They’re teenagers, it’s supposed to be cringey”...I have read PLENTY of books involving teenagers in which the romance/humor managed to accommodate the age of the characters AND still be mature enough so that it didn’t feel corny. There are fun yet tasteful ways to handle teenage romance/teenage humor in books and it’s up to the authors to find a good balance, so please miss me with this argument.

Lastly, this is going to sound rather bitchy, but I don’t want to hear the term “grumpy little ball of darkness” ever again. I know it was mostly a joke, but it was super corny the first time it was said, and it was corny every time after.

Next up, the circumstances surrounding their first kiss…I don’t like it. I’m obviously not mad at the idea of Will trying to be a supportive companion to Nico in that moment. I’m more so annoyed at what this kiss represents in the larger context of the Riordanverse. To some extent in PJO and to full extent since HoO, Rick Riordan has developed a deeply irritating habit of using romance as the solution to the characters’ emotional conflicts, grief, and traumas. There are too many characters in this franchise whose running emotional issues are magically solved by romance and I hate it. I think it’s harmful messaging to be sending to Rick’s young and impressionable audience that romance is the healing antidote to all of life’s problems. Feeling unwanted and like you’re not sure where you belong because everyone and everything keeps changing on you? Get a boyfriend! Feeling guilty about your past and like a 7th wheel amongst your friends? Get a girlfriend! Struggling with loss and grief and feeling like you’re always going to be alone? Get a boyfriend! Your ex just died in the midst of you trying to figure out your identity and you’re still in the grieving process? Get a girlfriend! It’s gotten sooo annoying at this point! Like no kids, getting into a romantic elationship will not solve all your problems. And viewing your significant other as the fixer-upper for your trauma is NOT actually a good thing, contrary to popular belief. Treating your romantic other as your only source of joy, hope, and happiness is a terrible approach to healing. Just once, I would like the kids in this franchise to work through their emotions in a way that doesn’t default to romance. Because should Will and Nico ever break up (not that they ever will, because according to Rick Riordan, most people find their soulmate as a teen), or something happens to Will, what will Nico do? Crumble? Fall apart? Waste away?

This is part of why I felt like it was really important for Nico to heal PRIOR to engaging in a romance because things like the circumstances of their first kiss suggest a sort of dependence that he’s developing on Will for dealing with his grief and inner demons, and I just don’t agree that this is a healthy coping mechanism. Nico doesn’t deserve to be alone or feel alone, but he does need to learn how to heal and cope through his traumas on his own because using Will as his source of healing is not a good thing. It’s okay for Will to support him or give him advice, but Will should NOT be Nico’s primary source of hope and happiness; Nico should be Nico’s primary source of hope and happiness so that if anything ever happens to Will, Nico doesn’t break into pieces because he’s developed the necessary strength to move on and find happiness within his own self, independent of a romantic other. Romance should complement the happiness you’ve grown from and for yourself, not be the source of it.

Next, Nico telling Will he loves him during the fall to Tartarus as a parallel to Annabeth whispering “I love you” to Percy is…not really something I like. I truly hate to compare a gay ship to a straight one, but let it be known that the critique that I’m about to give has nothing to do with Nico/Will being queer specifically, and more to do with the way they’ve been written. Anywho, with Percabeth, something about that “I love you” on their fall into Tartaurs felt more special given the long history of friendship that they had prior to their romantic one in the PJO series, and the fact that they had been separated so long just prior to the fall. The “I love you” between Nico and Will is sweet on a surface level, but the fact that it’s an obvious copy of Annabeth’s “I love you”, and the fact that we don’t have as much history with Solangelo as we did with Percabeth really takes away from the impact. I think this “I love you” would have held more power at the end of the book. For example, Will and Nico could finally have a discussion about all of Will’s struggles with darkness, and when Will finally accepts the darkness as a part of who Nico is (hopefully) and states that he loves Nico as he is, darkness included, we as readers can feel happy that Nico has found someone who accepts every part of him, even the parts that aren’t so pretty. Will then tells Nico that he loves him, a love that encompasses all of who Nico is, and Nico can say it back, accepting Will for all of who he is. All in all, I think the “i Love you” should have waited, and I don’t think it should have been a rehash of Percabeth’s moment; Solangelo should have gotten their own unique moment.

Next, Will’s guilt over Octavian’s death and him calling Nico a murderer made me go back and reread the scene in BoO. I can understand and appreciate his guilt from a healer’s perspective, but him thinking Nico was a murderer as a deep hidden grievance is kind of funky. Yes, Nico saying that they couldn’t stop Octavian probably came off really poorly in that moment. But also…Nico wasn’t saying that because he was bent on seeing the guy die. Octavian chose suicide and no matter what Will/Nico did, Octavian would have fought to get on that onager. Viewing Nico as a murderer for this, even by mistake, feels a little…extreme.

Lastly for this section, when Nico and Will finally had the talk about Will’s complaining, I liked the gist of the conversation, but I didn’t really like the conclusion that Will came to (or maybe it was the way it was written). Nico’s point was that death is amoral. Yes, it’s hard for the people who are still alive and left behind, but it isn’t an inherently evil process, and the place where the dead go isn’t inherently evil either. However, when Will reflects on this, he focuses on the entities that are alive/from the surface and are somehow thriving in the Underworld, which kind of misses the point. The takeaway shouldn’t be that there’s hope in the Underworld because of the living things that are present there. The takeaway should be that death, darkness, grief, all have their importance and place in our world, and that things that are associated with them aren’t inherently bad or evil. The Underworld doesn’t need to have life in it for it to be valuable.

Miscellaneous

Here, I will talk about a bunch of characters who made important cameos, but weren’t present enough to have their own section. If there’s a character missing here, it’s because I had no significant thoughts on them.

Percy:

- I’m glad to see multiple characters acknowledge that Percy needs time off.

- As sadistic as this might sound, I’m glad to hear that Percy is still having nightmares about Tartarus. I’ve always felt like Rick did a shoddy job of exploring the impact of Tartarus on Percy and Annabeth. This update on Percy doesn’t really make up for what could have been, but I’m glad to see the trauma being taken a little more seriously.

Annabeth:

- I already shared my grievances about Annabeth in the plot section.

The Troglodytes:

- I kind of like the Troglodytes, but their presence in this story felt a little…long, almost like they overstayed their welcome.

Dionysus:

- Mr. D feels off in this book, both at the beginning at the end. At first, I couldn’t really tell what it was, but by the end, I think I got it. So we all know that under Mr. D’s “I don’t give a shit about y’all” exterior, he actually kind of cares about the demigods. However, he’s always been subtle with it so that he never looks like he cares too much, and I don’t think this is something that he would suddenly change just for Nico, even as his pseudo-therapist. Unfortunately, the way he’s written in the book and his dialogue is a little over the top. His excitement towards Nico at the end especially feels OOC.

Nyx:

- I like Nyx a lot better in this book than in HoH. She feels less like a bumbling idiot, and more like a truly scary entity, although I was not glad to see that little tourist skit return. I wish we had spent more time with her.

Writing Style/Quality

So for the last section for this review, I’m going to speak specifically on the writing quality of this book; I’ll be critiquing certain writing decisions made by both Mark and Rick.This section is also a smattering of thoughts, so I’ll be jumping again. Here we go!

First off, the overall formatting of the story was kind of weird and disjointed. For example, choosing to stick with Nico’s POV for the entire beginning, but then suddenly jumping between Will and Nico’s POV after the encounter with Epiales was giving me a little bit of a mental whiplash. I wish they would have stuck to one POV per chapter just to keep things more organized. The interspersing of the story time with Gorgyra was kind of weird too, especially after I learned that it was taking place at a point midway through the overall story. It’s clear that this part of the story mostly exists to establish the canon version of how Will and Nico developed feelings for each other and hooked up, but I think there were better ways of just weaving this into the main story rather than constantly pausing the main story to do this weird kindergarten story time thing. I mean, the main plot was already taking its sweet ass time, and the Gorgyra scenes made it feel worse. I think the Gorgyra thing should have just taken place at its chronological spot. Lastly, I think Nico’s solo Tartarus flashback would have worked better as an epilogue, like ´oh, this is how Nico’s last trip to Tartarus went and now this book is about how different his 2nd trip will now that he’s not alone and Will here’ or something like that.

Next, for the writing specifically, I have mixed feelings about Mark’s contributions to the book. One thing I appreciate about Mark’s writing is the heavier emotional weight of things. I’ve always felt like Rick’s writing was too “Go! Go! Go!” all the time and that he never let the emotions of the plot he was writing sit and simmer within the characters, making the characters feel a little hollow at times. I like that Mark is dwelling a little longer on the emotional aspect of the story and isn’t rushing right through them. However, there are certain portions of the book where the language is just a little too flowery and philosophical rather than just like…getting to the main point. This probably contributed to how long it took for the characters to move on from certain scenes. Also, there were portions of the book where the sentences just felt kind of clumsy and awkward, like Mark knew that they needed to write something but wasn’t quite sure what to write.

Moving on, the pop culture references are definitely a little much. Now, to be fair, pop cultural references are not new to the Riordanverse, but I reread the PJO/HoO/ToA series a little while ago, and I recently read the Kane Chronicles for the first time, and I don’t think the pop culture references in those series occur nearly as frequently as they do in certain portions of this book (ToA might be an exception, but I feel like Apollo’s/Lester’s close relationship with the performing arts makes it more acceptable). In addition, pop culture jokes are not the only way to make good jokes. One thing I really liked about the Kane Chronicles is how Rick often used the mythology/local culture/circumstances of the specific scene as the foundation for jokes, because these feel a lot more organic and natural to the story, and are actually funny, and I wish TSATS had leaned into this more. It also didn’t help TSATS that some of the references felt forced amidst the conversation being had (eg. Nico’s ‘Single Ladies’ joke on page 12. Will makes a comment about not having any monsters to slay, and Nico responds with a joke about making skeletons do a choreographed dance to ‘Single Ladies’. A joke about making skeletons dance felt like a weird response to a comment specifically about slaying monsters, and it didn’t really fit in with the conversation). In general, randomly mentioning things that your audience might be familiar with isn't really humor; the references have to make sense within the context of what’s happening. Puns, play-on-words, sarcastic/smartass comments have been used before in the Riordanverse and worked fine when they were written properly. For example, Will’s “Noble McSacrifice”comment on page 45 actually made me chuckle, as grown as I am. So yeah, Rick has done better jokes in past books, and the try-hard pop references in this book is another thing that made it feel like fanfiction. I cringed very very deeply when I read the “#OnBrand” joke.

Lastly, I’ve already mentioned my thoughts on Rick’s on-the-nose writing. It’s like he doesn’t trust the audience to connect the dots anymore on certain themes and social justice issues, and that they need it spelled out for them in the most blatant and obvious way possible. Like yay for Rick for wanting to touch on important topics, but there’s a way to do this without sounding like you’re making a social justice lecture post on 2014 Tumblr. Find a way to weave these topics and lessons into the narrative so that you’re showing your readers the lesson rather than just telling them the lesson.

Also, if you’re going to use the characters as mouth pieces for these things, it would be nice if the characters could actually sound like themselves rather than just a vehicle for what Rick wants to tell the audience. Like, I really hate how the characters are literally just stating and explaining their character arcs to us, as if we didn’t just literally read the book and can see the arc for ourselves.

Overall Impression

I think this book is pretty mid. It’s not the awful trash that some people think it is, but it didn’t really meet the hype for me either, especially as a non-Solangelo shipper. Certain aspects of it were nice, but many aspects of it annoyed me, and my opinions on Will/Solangelo haven’t really changed. I give it 3 out 5 stars.

#tsats spoilers #tsats crit #the sun and the star #Nico di Angelo #Will solace #solangelo #anti solangelo #rick riordan #mark oshiro #tsats #tsats review

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borisbubbles · 3 months

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Eurovision 2023: #15

15. SPAIN Blanca Paloma - "Eaea" 17th place

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Decade Ranking: 42 / 116 [Above The Busker, below Circus Mircus]

A journey has finally come to an end. Like, idk, I have all the opinions and feelings and no idea how I'll express them. So let's pen them down and figure it out as we go?

So first, let's adress the pinned post: Yep, I was right about Blanca. I am also not particularly happy about it. I didn't just suspect Spain would come top three in the final going into the show, I was actively convinced it would happen and looked forward to it. The result we got aligned only with my first instincts so maybe the problem is allowing myself to be gaslit instead of confidently believing in my divining abilities? Or maybe the problem is just the Spanish Fandom, who can tell.

Secondly, as for why we got there, well: consider this little statement i made pre-show:

That has always been the crux of my opinion on Eaea. The problem was the song. It was never bad but always unvoteable. From the moment I first heard it for Benidorm reviews, all the way to five points, you just knew it was too out there to have mass appeal. When I then saw the staging at Benidorm, it confirmed my suspicions really. In order to get televotes, you need to stage literally, not laterally. Eaea was the Jezinky of Spain.

However, I always kinda sorta liked it overall anyway?

As we saw with Mae even if you have one big "drawback" (and it wasn't that Eaea was bad, it was just too pedantic to compete for televotes, something its obtuse fans failed to understand) but do the rest right, the net result is still a net positive. Foremost, Eaea was a visual treat that I loved to look at. Not just "more than i enjoyed hearing it", no backhanded compliments like that. It's just what it excelled at: Blanca was a performer of exceptional charm and talent, and employed her skills to their optimum. There's a reason why I thought Spain would win the jury vote going into rehearsals, and that's solely because I trusted Blanca's expertise would be enough to EAT.

And honestly, she at least... moderately gobbled? Like THIS:

and THIS:

Is all great? I never thought Eaea was the masterpiece (can we please STOP using that term for any offbeat Eurovision song we like PLEASE) others deemed it to be, it was a quirky little fusion of flamenco traditions with modernist staging, by a great singer who nailed the difficult vocals. For better or for worse, Blanca understood the assignment that Eurovision is foremost a Live Performance Contest and made an effort to be as good as possible.

So yeah, I did vote for Blanca on the night. Twice. Even if one felt like the song was too much Piece and not enough Song, she had earned a high spot up the scoreboard for her performance and determination, so I cast a vote for her in support of that cuz you know, nature is healing. Then I fatfingered a second one by accident, making me one of ten people in Belgium who voted for Spain, and the only one to vote for them more than once. AND YOU THOUGHT, I WAS A HATER, DIDN'T YOU?

Okay, so the results. Five points SEEMS really harsh but Käärijä really was a force of fatal attraction and natural devastation that we've only truly seen once before under normal circumstances, and anyone else should have been pleased to have had any scraps left after his cultural reset. Blanca was never gonna get much of that, we already went through why.

But what about Juries? Well, they flocked to Sweden and Italy like we all suspected they would, which is a boring outcome, but both Loreen and Marco nailed their lives so w/e fine. If I wanted the juries to reward Blanca for her grit, why be angry when they did the same for Sweden and Italy?

However, to once again beat a dead equine, that *other* one in the jury top three being there, and over Blanca specifically, has to be the worst jury decision since their re-implementation. Like worse than Fade to Black qualifying into three jury twelves. Worse than Baby Eats You scoring 82 points over Blackbird. The juries exist specifically to reward layered art like Eaea and quirky outsiders like Blanca and they erred. 10th in jury, what the shit? The argument that Eaea wasn't good enough a song doesn't hold up because Ewnicorn was the worst composition in the year.

So in the end, I am back where I started: at mild like. You'd expect me to feel smug, but honestly, I mostly just feel melancholic. Eaea truly was a unique Piece and its result made me realize that, should Eurovision revert back to full-televote which is what Österdahl seems to want (🙄), it's the Eaeas that will become extinct first*.

THE RANKING

you have NO idea how much anxiety "Veronika" is giving me rn. 😬

you also have NO idea how much i'd kill for an Eaea in 2024's Benifest.

#Eurovision 2023 #ESC 2023 #Eurovision #ESC #Eurovision Song Contest #Liverpool 2023 #Spain #Blanca Paloma #Eaea #Youtube

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little-lovely-demon-doll · 1 month

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Is This Considered Hypersexuality? /gen

Me trying to figure out if I'm actually hypersexual or if it's a term I'm using due to a lack of better terminology.

I've seen multiple viewpoints and perspectives in a search to find out if I am or not, but I'd like to ask real quick: Would the following experience recounted below count as hypersexuality? I created this sideblog because I didn't want this associated with my main, but here goes nothing.

CW: Grooming mention near the end

♡ Preamble ♡

Before I get into the meat and bones of things, I'm going to state ahead of time and I'm autistic and asexual, two factors that may or may not contribute to the broader consensus. I also have multiple OCD subtypes caused by multiple things, including childhood trauma. Now, I've always struggled on whether or not my experience counts as hypersexuality, and I often flip back and forth between calling myself such and not, but I think it's time to put the mystery to bed with a consensus. As for speaking to my therapist about this, I've yet to, and before I do, I'd like to get a broad consensus for experiences like this at the base level before I feel right to pursue it.

♡ The Experience Itself ♡

Ever since I was a young child, I've been having repeated, almost (if not multiple times) daily thoughts of sex or sexual acts, no matter in public, school, or private. My imagination is extremely active and utilizes pretty much anything that's available in-mind, including sexual content. My problem was worsened by consistent exposure to NSFW content. Throughout my childhood, I always had this consistent need to "relieve" myself, and as I grew older, I ended up getting sucked into extremely NSFW spaces as a minor, particularly from ages 11-14. Nowadays, I have these kinds of sexual thoughts at least once a day, and I've even had some incredibly unwanted ones, including about my associates, family, and closest friends, and even best friend who's sex-repulsed due to severe sexual trauma.

As for the distress factor, they usually only really disturb me when I'm in public, but for the friend ones, they can happen pretty much any time. I'm aware that distress is a large factor in the hypersexual experience, but I usually just deal with it unless it is actively disturbing enough to cause distress, since typically distressing things don't stress me out nearly as much as they should. An exception to this would be sexual thoughts that play into one of my OCD subtypes, and I usually feel incredibly disgusted by those, as well as the thoughts I get about the people mentioned above. The need for self-relief tends to come at random times, sometimes immediately after waking up. I'm unable to act on them if I'm anywhere but home, but there's that. Aside from that, I always feel this intense compulsive need to talk about sex and sexual stuff with my friends, share the sexual and NSFW content I've made to them, and more. I have reason to believe it could be due to the intense craving of familiarity from 2020, which was filled to the brim with sexual stuff, which unfortunately led to my victimization in a grooming situation, but then again, there could be more to it than just that.

As for further details, there's always this background libido, but I can become easily distracted to forget about it for a little while. Nonetheless, it's still there, waiting to return. There's also this intrinsic need to just sexualize myself, but it mostly stays contained to my head due to minor reasons, but the moment I'm 18, it's probably going to devolve into public displays of self-sexuality. Hell, my 18th birthday has been extremely romanticized for years because of the sexual stuff that legally opens up then. I've even taken to using a hentai game that my degenerate ex-friend played in order to divert and alleviate a lot of these thoughts, but also to get that sense of familiarity back. It's also caused me to lose multiple friends and it's further jeopardized multiple relationships, even affecting my real life.

Is there anything I missed in this self-assessment? What is your assessment? Would YOU consider my experience to be hypersexual in nature? I heavily appreciate any help or pointers in the right direction!

#hypersexual #hypersexuality #am i hypersexual #is this hypersexuality #is it hypersexuality #actually mentally ill #hypersexual asexual #hypersexual vent #questions #mental health #mental health questions #questioning #questioning hypersexual #grooming mention #tw grooming mention

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mydigitaldiaryz · 24 days

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Entry Log #5

At this point i'm probably going to stop adding in TWs, you guys could probably guess what my entry will contain at this point.

I've been more angry with people today. Taking it out on others. I think it's because I'm trying to stay a little bit cleaner on the pills and not damage my liver too much, but it's so difficult when my head is flooded with thoughts again and I could barely form a good thought. Without the pills I get all those overwhelming emotions again. I swear, it's only been around two days and I'm aching for something. Anything that dulls how I feel. How frustrated I feel everyday. It makes me so mad, it's almost difficult to write down how i even feel when i'm angry.

Cutting doesn't work anymore, I'm running out of space to hide, hitting barely helps now, since my limbs have grown accustomed to all my hitting. I can't keep on taking pills daily or else I'll just ruin my body too much for my liking and make me even miserable. Slamming my body into things doesn't particularly do anything, just loud and stings for a little. All my healthy coping techniques suck too. I'm mindlessly scrolling and switching to three different apps, i can barely fall asleep anymore, hanging out with friends who truly don't even like me, listening to music doesn't block off how overwhelming my thoughts and feelings are. it's all boring and doesn't even help.

It just gives me such a big headache. Always feeling so angry all the time. I'm disappointed how easily my sadness can turn into anger and vice versa. I always resort to taking it out on people. I feel bad straight after. I just can't help it. I don't know anymore, I really, honest to god, believe that I am absolutely hopeless. I am a meaningless cause to life, and I was only brought here to live for a short term of time before I end up like one of those teens who just end it all. It feels like I'm almost made to be one of those teenagers.

I just don't know anymore, nor do I bother to try to understand at this point. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with my life other than rot away and feel like a fucking piece of shit everyday. It makes me sick to my stomach and pisses me off everyday knowing I am stuck like this — No matter what. I will always have this feeling lingering in the back of my heart, stuck and etched right into my very being. This feeling will always be a part of me, these terrible habits of mine making me, — me. And it's disgusting. Whatever I do to change, this will be with me my entire life. It makes me want to give up so bad, just quit it all so easily, give my life away to somebody who could make a better use of the space I take up.

I can't stop considering it. Whether or not I should do a serious attempt and truly overdose on whatever I have lying around. Or dig my blade right into one of my pulse points at my wrists and stabbing it in there as deep as possible, making me bleed out in my tub.

I don't know what's stopping me at this point either, I have nothing truly left living for. I know people out there maybe love me, but unfortunately I'm just not capable of loving them back. And I assure you, reader, that I do show them love back, appricate how hard their working to actually love a fucking loser like me, but it's just that I can't feel myself actually returning their feelings.

I don't know anymore. I'll stop writing here. Too tired.

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stillness-in-green · 1 year

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Chapter Thoughts: 373 — Friends

Thank you all, as always, for your patience. As I said previously, I had some cruds catch up with me, on top of holidays and house guests, so between those and work, it’s been rather some while since I’ve had the time and energy for dedicated post writing. But here’s this, finally! And since the next chapter is much more scattered around in multiple places, it should be easier to write about.

As to this chapter, I’ve decided, rather than breaking it down chronologically or by broad topic, to cover it one character at a time, since this chapter more than many really is about the interplay of characters.

Hit the jump!

On Pig-Nose Guy

Taken strictly as-written, he’s got a pretty good head on his shoulders. As many people have said, attacking a hospital under the auspices of a leadership of a known terrorist is the most desperate kind of play, the heteromorphs are doubtlessly underinformed and, as of this chapter, are being openly told not to think. The fact that he doesn’t give into his emotions in those circumstances is admirable! Still, I can’t help but think I’d have preferred to see him ask questions of his own leadership, rather than trusting the judgment of a teenage hero student who—like Deku in his bad faith bargaining with Overhaul—has no authority to speak for Hero Society at large.

Also too, it remains tiresome that he and the others are only asking these questions just now, instead of back when they were first told that they were going to be attacking a hospital. This is especially the case given the weird inconsistency between pig-nose guy saying he couldn’t bring himself to hurt the people in the hospital and the gaping absence of anyone asking him to hurt the people in the hospital. Maybe Scarecrow would have tried to goad them into that eventually or it was something they were told to do in advance, but if either of those is the case, we certainly never saw evidence of it on the page, which keeps his dilemma here from ringing completely true.

I do quite like the evocativeness with which he’s drawn. As ever, Hori’s art is great, especially his expressions, even when his narrative decisions are being underwhelming-to-infuriating.

On Scarecrow

Christ, I hate the way Horikoshi insists on giving the MLA these awful little extra cruelties to make them worse than they need to be, as if, “Militant antisocial terrorist cult,” isn’t bad enough. I could deal with the “meant to bring about our supremacy” bit—that’s not new rhetoric for MLA types—but am considerably more exasperated with “mighty meat shield.”

Like, guys, that’s just not how the MLA think of their rank and file. Yes, they prioritize their leadership, always have, so it’s not that I mind as such that Scarecrow would think of the civilians as ultimately expendable. But the key is that the MLA view such deaths as honorable, as important martyrdom to reach their goals. They don’t and never have treated their people as “meat shields” in the derisive, callous sense that that term implies.

Again, look back at this sequence from Chapter 329:

Does this sound like someone who doesn’t deeply believe in the orders he’s being given and the person he’s being told to lift up? There’s no reason to portray this guy as a bad actor. An extremist, absolutely, but thinking so explicitly about the manipulation of the civilians’ opinions just makes it sound like he wants power for its own sake, and that’s never been the MLA’s bag.

I’m particularly annoyed with Horikoshi having Scarecrow think of Shouji as an octopus, which feels akin not just to a minority thinking of another member of his group as [relevant derisive slur], but to putting that thought in the head of someone who wears the mantle of an activist, a student of history, someone who can speak passionately and eloquently of the rightness of his cause. Scarecrow should know better than this, and portraying him as falling back on this dehumanizing language for his own kind is just another thing that makes him feel like he’s operating in bad faith, making him an even more strawman-ish depiction of someone who’s already set up as a violent radical.

…All of which makes it even more strange that a nameless hero apologizes directly to him. Which is a pleasant surprise!

On the one hand, I like a lot that even someone who Horikoshi is making some effort to portray as not-genuine still gets a straightforward, genuine apology. In principle, I’m in favor of that, because I strongly believe that even villains who are acting in bad faith deserve to be treated humanely and have their issues recognized—and regardless of what else we can say about him, Scarecrow does have a huge scar on his head that’s implicitly a result of anti-heteromorph violence. Further, for Horikoshi’s plot here to land, it is important for heroes—not just students, but adult members of the system—to acknowledge that the heteromorphs have a legitimate grievance.

On the other hand, it does also still feel a bit like farming out apologies and weaknesses to nameless nobodies because god forbid any of the characters the audience has been encouraged to like be acknowledged as having flaws or biases. It’s one of BNHA’s long-running issues that Horikoshi has this big system he wants to critique but, with the exception of characters like Bakugou and Endeavor, whose whole arcs are founded on personal improvement, he’s uncomfortable letting sympathetic and/or popular characters meaningfully reflect that flawed system.

As a result, we get stuff like last chapter’s apology for perpetuating heteromorphobic microaggressions coming from Mineta instead of Sero, no shallow fame-chasing students ever folding from the pressure and dropping out, the immense wishy-washiness of any critique of All Might, and, inversely, the facile resolutions of thorny issues like the traitor plot, the HPSC’s corruption, Izumi Kouta’s hatred of heroes, or, here, the idea of heteromorphic discrimination.

On Shouji/The Resolution

This continues to be a desperately wanting resolution. Shouji still holds up this idea that heteromorphs can change the minds of bigots by just acting cool and admirable enough when his own backstory should have taught him that there is no such threshold. Bigots cannot be made to be ashamed of their bigotry, Shouji! They will find ways to justify it; they will hide it if it looks to be socially unacceptable and then talk openly about it when they think they’re among people of like mind; they will react with resentment when called out.

And like, I do believe that bigots can change, and some of the examples I’m aware of are a credit to the actions of a person the bigot had hated, but those examples are all the more remarkable for their rarity. It cannot be the default and ongoing responsibility of the oppressed to Nobly Endure until bigots change their minds, to risk their own safety just to win approval from those who hate them. That’s what Shouji’s answer here says, though, and it’s frankly unconscionable.

And it’s such a bizarre chain of events! Like, Shouji was just telling Spinner that this attack was going to set heteromorphs back thirty years, but now he’s saying the rioters are a shining light? He was (baselessly) castigating them for showing up without a plan, but now he’s saying that the feelings that drove them to show up were neither useless nor wrong?

Are we to believe that protests have never happened before? So either heteromorphs have been quiet and stoic and noble about this for generations and in exchange they’ve gotten infamous historical massacres and highly conditional semi-safety in sufficiently large cities while still suffering dehumanization and increased rates of criminality, or they have protested before but feel that their needs have been ignored. When Rando The Hero apologizes to Scarecrow for never having realized heteromorphs were in such dire straits, which are we to believe is the explanation: that he never saw because they never spoke up, or he never saw because he wasn’t looking?

When Shouji tells them they look like a shining light, it recalls Scarecrow’s dialogue about how heteromorphs were never illuminated and would have to become their own light—but who exactly is to be credited for kindling that light? Shouji tells them the feelings that drove them to come weren’t wrong, but we know that the MLA were working behind the scenes to stoke indignation and hurt up to the tipping point—what Scarecrow this week refers to as radicalizing these peoples’ passion.

So like… This all seems like it never would have come about without Skeptic and Scarecrow and even Spinner and all the rest’s hard work. So what’s going to happen to them, the people who enabled this change, in the end? Do the nice and good victims who stood down before they went too far get embraced, while the people who drove them to be noticed get thrown in prison and forgotten about?

There’s this weird dynamic in the series where heroes and Hero Society ignore the problems their society has—sweep them under the rug, as Shigaraki put it—so insistently that change requires people willing to Go Too Far, like villains. Then, when villains do exactly that, heroes are like, “You may have legitimate grievances, but you’re Going Too Far.” Yes! Because that’s what it takes to make “the good guys” pay attention!!

So what happens after this? Do the agitators get put in prison while everyone else is just free to walk away? What about the dozens and dozens of people who’ve already been rounded up and restrained? Do they just get to walk? Or are they going to prison too, for all that their feelings were totes correct, because they were captured before they had a chance to either press on or stand down? (This, incidentally, takes us right back to the difficulties in dealing with an underground army—how do heroes on the ground know who’s a radicalized civilian and who’s a member of the PLF?)

So that’s all the usual headache-inducing platitudes. There is one positive thing about all this that I want to talk about as well, though: the outcome of Shouji fighting while also talking. I said it about Mirio a while back, and it applies here too, for all that it got lost in my deep frustration with the content of Shouji’s words: it is possible to carry on a dialogue while still defending oneself and others.(1)

Consider how this would have gone down if Shouji hadn’t been here. Rock Lock thinks—in a moment that very clearly illustrates the current dilemma—that all the rest of the hero side could do was defend themselves by force. That fits the current hero modus operandi, which the students have, up until now, been playing into. Presumably, left to their own devices, the heroes and police would have either eventually hit a morale tipping point that broke the crowd, who would have been captured or fled with their resentment unaddressed, or the crowd would have overwhelmed them, freeing Kurogiri and cementing themselves as villains.

This makes Shouji—a pivotal figure as the tides of battle shift and we move into a new stage—a potentially very significant model for how the conflict resolutions from here on out are going to look.

A huge number of Hero Stan types disregard this strategy, which is why we’re all so frequently subjected to those tiresome, “Well, the villains were trying to kill people; do you expect heroes to just stand back and let them?” false equivalencies. Here, though, Shouji provides a sterling example of how to engage with villains in good faith: defend as much you need to while keeping the conversation going as long as you can, in the hopes that eventually a breakthrough/understanding can be reached. That’s the whole point of the Shonen Jump talk-no-jutsu trick.

I don’t buy Shouji’s message here by any means, but the manner in which he delivers it is unimpeachable.

On Mic

I love Mic being the ruthless one of the Rooftop Trio; I really do. It’s been very entertaining to watch the telephone game of Realist Mic Fans talking about how this was totally predictable and only Fanon Mic Fans are surprised by it. ‘Cause it’s 100% true; Mic’s always had those undertones, which were really what set him and Shirakumo apart despite their surface personas being fairly similar. Look no further than Mic’s reaction to the traitor reveal!

That said, predictable or not—and the set-up was always there for it to be Spinner carrying the day here, not Mic—it really does hit deliciously hard. My favorite part is that Mic never actually opens his mouth to call to Shirakumo himself—not this chapter, at least. All his thoughts and pleas for Shirakumo are strictly internal;(2) externally, he’s winding up to unleash his quirk again.

An aside: The one quibble I have with this scene is that it’s legit unclear to me who Mic is winding up to attack here. He’s very obviously prepared to kill Kurogiri if it comes to that—indeed, his internal monologue suggests that his killing Kurogiri was even a part of the plan here, albeit only as a last resort.(3) However, he also says that was only on the table if it looked like Kurogiri was about to be taken back. He explicitly notes that Spinner is down, though, and he’s already seen that Spinner’s alone, so who is he even worried about taking Kurogiri at this point? Why attack Kurogiri when the main threat has already been neutralized?

So is he attacking Spinner, then, to make sure he stays down? That seems a bit beyond the pale even for the most ruthless member of his group, doesn’t it? And even if he were willing to go that far, an attack on Spinner doesn’t seem consistent with where his gaze is focused—aimed forward rather than down and to his right—and is even less consistent with his train of thought about Shirakumo fading away and leaving only good memories.(4)

As it is, it reads like Mic is already telling himself to execute Kurogri to prevent even the possibility, now or in the future, of Kurogiri regaining consciousness and making a decision Mic doesn’t approve of. That’s very Plus Ultra of you, Mic, but like, in a really bad way.

Anyway.

Compare Mic’s silence to Spinner, who openly begs Kurogiri to save Shigaraki, and we have yet another scene that beautifully illustrates the tendency of heroes to embrace stoic self-denial even at the cost of their personal bonds for the greater good, while villains utterly reject questions of big-picture morality in favor of embracing/preserving the things and people they personally value.

On Spinner/The Final Hand

Man, I didn’t like Cook’s rendering of Spinner’s patchy dialogue as caveman-speak, but at least it made clear that Spinner’s thinking was irregular. Here, comparing to the raws, you can still see the irregular kana usage throughout, but the official release portrays his thinking as largely clearing up once he gets all the scales blown off and shrinks back down to his normal size. The sentences are fragmentary, but that could be read as a result of him being semi-conscious. More importantly, “I” is back in his dialogue (“All I wanted” rather than e.g. “Me just wanted”) and his verb usage gets more regular. That’s all to say, the official release makes it look like Spinner’s mentality stabilized in a way that doesn’t seem to match the raws. Frustrating to get my hopes up like that!

Anyway, there’s been a certain amount of discourse getting around about whether Spinner’s crutching on The Hand for Shigaraki and now Kurogiri is good or bad, whether Spinner’s feelings for Shigaraki are leading him to make decisions that are bad for both of them, to what degree Spinner cares or should care about heteromorphic discrimination and so on, and I just want to say that I’m in total agreement with @codenamesazanka and @robotlesbianjavert’s takes on the matter, as can be read in multiple posts. These posts put it all so well I don’t particularly feel the need to retread it at length.

To be succinct: Spinner is doing the best he can from a position of limited information, and dinging him because he’s, what, prolonging the amount of time Shigaraki spends away from the miraculous saving light of Deku’s good intentions? Fuck that; Deku doesn’t even have the courage of his convictions to speak them aloud, and even saying them to the people in his head, the best he could muster was, “I want to try.” Nothing he’s done so far has earned him a right to the League’s trust.

There is one aspect of that I want to talk about specifically that I haven’t seen discussed elsewhere, which is the Spinner-Stain-Deku angle. To wit, I once theorized that Spinner would be a key person in Deku’s drive to save Shigaraki because a) Spinner has the clearest understanding of Shigaraki as a regular person, whereas Deku’s limited exposure had only allowed him to see The Crying Child and The Symbol of Fear, and b) Spinner defended Deku that one time during the training camp attack on the grounds that Stain declared him worthy. I thought Spinner’s action at that time might later give them enough common ground to recognize each other as having good intentions, enough space to at least tentatively open a dialogue, and advance their common goal of Helping Shigaraki from there.

It’s looking less likely now, mostly because of Spinner’s eroded mentality meaning he doesn’t have the ability to carry on a conversation with Deku right now about Shigaraki. That’s not the entirety of the reason, though.

Firstly, there’s the issue of Spinner’s loyalties. He was only cosplaying at being a Stain devotee to begin with, and has cultivated a much more deeply felt loyalty to Shigaraki, who, last Spinner heard, explicitly wants Midoriya Izuku dead. New leader, new directive.

Secondly, there’s the problem that even if Spinner were inclined to give Deku the benefit of the doubt originally, so far as he can see, Deku has done nothing but align himself with the hero status quo, and particularly with Endeavor’s status quo. Endeavor, who Stain condemned, and who Spinner’s own teammate revealed to be an abusive monster, the worst kind of person imaginable to be hiding behind the mask of a hero. Endeavor, who contributed to Shigaraki being in such a state at Jakku that Spinner was driven to use The Hand to begin with! Deku has given exactly zero sign that Spinner would be aware of that he’s willing to treat Shigaraki any differently than the hero establishment would, so what basis does Spinner have to entrust Shigaraki to him?

Both in terms of a Spinner who decides things based on who he's following and a Spinner who decides things based on the evidence of his own eyes, Deku fails coming and going.

Anyway, I still think it would be good to somehow get back to Spinner as a bridge between Shigaraki and Deku, because Deku saving Shigaraki based on nothing but his empathy for The Crying Child is desperately insufficient to truly address all the problems Shigaraki Tomura represents, but that’s a good deal more up in the air at this point, so I guess we’ll see how it goes.

As far as The Hand is concerned, I really do wonder if we’re starting to see its symbolism shift somewhat. Like, yes, yes, it is a concrete reminder of everything AFO raised Shigaraki to be, that’s all true. But it’s this hand, too:

Nana, who wanted to save her son, wants Deku to save her grandson, and wants Shigaraki to not forget the boy he used to be—it’s her hand. Carried by Spinner, the person who loves Shigaraki the most, extended beseechingly to Kurogiri, the one who protects Shigaraki Tomura, the one who “cannot abandon others.”

Just saying, there’s a lot packed into that hand that AFO didn’t put there. Letting him be the only authority on its symbolism is kind of letting him make the rules, isn’t it? He isn’t the only one who gets to decide what things mean, and believing otherwise is just ceding him control of the narrative.

We even have a prior example of this in One For All: what began as a play to bring Yoichi under AFO’s control instead grew, through Yoichi’s desires and those of the people OFA was passed to, into a power meant to bring AFO down. Eventually, even that purpose was eclipsed by All Might and Deku’s desires to use that power to save people. The Final Hand, while much more gruesome, could go the same way in terms of it being utilized in ways counter to what AFO intended.

On Kurogiri

Kurogiri strikes me as being in a potentially crucial position, and not merely for his ability to disrupt the heroes’ plans, which up to this point looked like there were going to lead to nothing but yet another rotation in the cycle of Hero Society sweeping all its problems under the rug until something rancid causes an eruption.

No, the more important thing with Kurogiri is that he’s in an even better position than Spinner to provide a bridge between the hero and the villain sides at large. Spinner may have the better vantage point on Shigaraki as he’s developed over the course of the series, but Spinner’s pretty locked into the position of villain and victim; he’s never once been on the right/light side of Hero Society.

Kurogiri, if you assume that he’s become something of an amalgamated existence (reflecting his use of ore rather than watashi this chapter) has lived in both worlds. As Shirakumo, he has all the memories of an idealistic hero with a good upbringing, solid bonds and a stable place in society. As Kurogiri, he’s had plenty of exposure to the social deprivation, systemic bias and manipulative wickedness that creates villains. There's no one else in the story who has both the experience within Hero Society to believe in its value but also the perspective to understand why villains don't believe in that value.

That’s if you assume he’s become an amalgamated existence. My favorite read on Kurogiri treats him as the survivor of a traumatic experience, one that has fundamentally changed him such that he can’t reconcile with his old friends as long as they refuse to recognize the person he’s now become in favor of fantasies about who he used to be. Sadly, I don’t think that’s particularly well-supported by the story thus far,(5) but the pronoun shift is an exciting new development!

Really, despite Shirakumo breaking through once, I want to think that it would be impossible for him or the heroes who want him back to ever shake "Kurogiri" entirely if they can't assure him that his cat (Shigaraki) is going to be taken care of. Because even if Shirakumo might choose otherwise consciously, that care is him; it's the whole foundation Kurogiri is built on. Heroes can't just will it to go away and think they’ll have anything left afterward but fragments of a person.

The editor’s note at the end of this chapter said the battle was moving to a new stage, and let me tell you, I am so ready. Heroes are not yet at a point where they’ve earned a victory, moral or otherwise, so Kurogiri returning to his bartender roots and putting this whole war in a shaker before pouring it out into different glasses is incredibly welcome.

Stray Notes

O I appreciate that Nimble, even when her talk bubbles indicate that she’s shouting full-volume, still shows no indication of a mouth. How does she eat, I wonder? RIP to my dreams about Spinner’s #1 Advisor getting anything important to do, though; Horikoshi’s Women Sidelining disease strikes again.

O Spinner’s biggest contribution this chapter, wherein he finds the strength to surge forward in desperation to help the person he cares about, comes after he loses all the bulk and extra-scales; it’s like an anti-quirk evolution. This continues to prove the point that Spinner’s biggest role in the plot was never about the strength or weakness of his quirk, but rather about his heart. Love-interest coded Spinner is real.

O So what was up with that big ominous panel of the gun and the sound effects of it firing last chapter? Because I really feel like if someone just opened fire on the crowd, it should be WAY harder to have the whole extended dialogue Shouji and pig-nose guy have this chapter.

O The color page at the start really is incredibly gorgeous. God, I wish Hori did more color pages for the villains. We are so underserved in this specific category. I did see some people talking about how Shirakumo’s face here is an adult’s face, not a teenager’s, and if that’s true, I feel like it raises a whole bunch of fascinating questions about what Ujiko is doing with corpses to stimulate growth. As if the Winged Noumu didn’t raise enough of those already, mind. If Noumu can age, does that mean they can die of old age??

---FOOTNOTES---

1: I made a bitchy quip last chapter about the manga’s earlier stance that words are less important than actions, but just to be clear, my issue isn’t talking itself—I think talking is very important, and something the heroes should be doing a lot more of, but that the current system disincentivizes them from doing. The trouble is when the talk is a bunch of empty twaddle that refuses to outline the specific action being proposed to address a character’s accusations.

2: I’ve seen a number of people talking emotionally about Mic’s last yell for Shirakumo this chapter, but I think they’re misreading the art. If Mic were calling that name aloud, it would be in a talk bubble, not the internal monologue text overlay.

3: And wow, does that contingency ever remind me that Hawks was a key member of the team that masterminded this plan.

4: Please go read @codenamesazanka’s excellent meta on how Hero Society prefers dead victims to victims who couldn’t be saved.

5: Shirakumo’s sole action upon being woken by Aizawa being to spill Ujiko’s location is not a promising sign. The most generous read possible that reconciles that action with a Shirakumo who cares about Shigaraki would be that Shirakumo legitimately thought Shigaraki being imprisoned in Tartarus was a better outcome than letting Ujiko have his way. That’s feasible, but it’s also the case that, as far as Kurogiri-as-trauma-victim goes, I’m just not convinced Horikoshi approaches the story with that level of allegory in mind.

#bnha #bnha 373 #bnha civilians #plf advisors #octolad #dj parakeet #bnha spinner #iguchi shuuichi #kurogiri #heteromorph discrimination plot #chapter thoughts

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compassionatereminders · 1 year

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Hey Kat, I hope you've been doing well and that you had a fun time in Japan!!

Unfortunately, I come to you with an issue I'm not really sure what to do with. There's no pressure to provide advice or anything if you feel you can't, this can just be an opportunity to vent. Also, apologies in advance for how long this ask is!

Over the past year, I've been really trying hard to be more open, to not just bury down my feelings like I usually do. Say, if something bothers me, where before I would just try to get over it, I'm more likely to try discussing it with anyone involved. Not in the sense that I'd hold a grudge against them— I'd just assume it was an issue with me, that I was just overreacting or something and that I just needed to get over it or not bring it up out of fear of making the other person feel bad. I also used to not set boundaries like I do now, out of not wanting to bother or inconvenience others, though some disrespect for myself probably contributed to that too. I know that openness and honesty are really important, even necessary, for healthy relationships, so I've been trying to hold true to that.

But it feels like that's been kind of backfiring or something? Like, idk, it feels like I'm just worrying my friends 24/7 now. They've said I'm not the same I was before, and that's true, but a big part of that is that I'm being more open and vulnerable now, but they seem to perceive it as my mental health being worse than before. To be fair, I was massively triggered regarding an eating disorder I struggled with years ago last fall, and I haven't really felt the same since, and I've felt particularly stressed with school and work in the past year, but there's more to it than that. They've said they worry about my symptoms worsening with awareness or looking into stuff (aka that I'm 'leaning into' a diagnosis as part of my identity), or that I'm attributing something I'm feeling or some aspect of who I am to one of my diagnoses when I shouldn't be

For example, I was diagnosed with autism this past year, and the psychologist called my case 'extremely minor,' and my friends say it seems that since the diagnosis it doesn't seem so 'minor' anymore (I don't like that phrasing, I much prefer 'high or low needs,' but I digress on that). I think it's just me finding an explanation for all these behaviours that've always been there, feeling more comfortable knowing myself better, embracing that part of me, and not masking as much. I told them about the masking aspect, and I think they get it now? But that's just one example of this concern they've brought up.

idk, I just feel like I'm feeling really awkward way more often now than before. Like my anxiety is worse BECAUSE I'm being more open and vulnerable, because I'm worrying about worrying my friends. I want to keep practicing this because I know that it's healthy in the long run, but it just feel like my relationships are getting worse. I'm constantly worried that something's wrong, that I've made them feel bad or awkward from something I've said, and there's more miscommunications than ever before.

idk, I just feel like a neurotic mess these days, you know? (Apologies if that wording was inappropriate— I've never heard of the term 'neurotic' being inappropriate, so if it is I'm sorry!!)

I think you should try to very clearly communicate that your new vulnerability is a sign that you're getting better - not worse. Because they may genuinely not realize that this change is actually progress - but if they're good friends, they'll listen when you explain it to them.

#chat with kat

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ray-talks · 3 months

Text

1/21/24

today was mixed.

as i feared yesterday, i would be made to eat breakfast. specifically, my mom told me that we were to go to a local café/bakery. i decided beforehand that i would eat a fruit tart. i choose this because i presumed it may be less calories than other options -- mind you, at this place, the pastries were rather big. fortunately, there was a single stall restroom, this means i could more easily get away with purging, which i took advantage of. since i was pressed for time, i could not purge as much as i would like. thankfully, when i got home, i was able to purge more of it, which made me feel a bit better.

lunch, however, was successful in a way i had not foreseen. when i stated my purpose to study at a coffee shop, since the library was not yet opened, my mom suggested that i study at a panera. she offered to give me money for this. at first, this made me uneasy, as i did not want to buy food. then, i realized something vital, that i could use this as an opportunity. for context, my parents do not tend to allow me to keep money for myself. i have a saving account, but it is controlled by my dad. whenever i am given money or general gift cards, they are taken by my parents. their reasoning for this is so that i cannot buy items to prepare for an attempt (e.g. purchasing pills). this is not a baseless thought, considering i have done this, so i do not blame them.

my excitement at receiving money was that i could buy more pencil sharpeners, as my blades are beyond dull. i will say that the reason i did not pursue buying pills -- since i am not allowed to have access to medication -- is that i do not have the desire to act on my suicidal thoughts. notably, i do not want to act on them right now, since i have my goal. additionally, large pill bottles are quite expensive, exceeding over $20 at times, so it would not be possible with the money given. gratefully, i took the money, and went to buy some pencil sharpeners. the pencil sharpeners were quite cheap -- i bought two of them, but upon retrospect, i should have bought more. to defend myself, it was because i was unsure if i could dismantle them. i do not have a small enough screwdriver to take apart the pencil sharpener. i have to use an unorthodox method, and this does not always work. i could only get one of the blades off, and could not get the second one off, because of how it was positioned. i also find that these days, a lot of pencil sharpeners are not made to have the blade removed. i did not attempt this with my second pencil sharpener -- i plan to save it until later.

i do want to say something, though, that i do experience guilt over this. i do not take pleasure going behind my parent's backs. at the same time, this guilt i feel is never enough to halt my actions. i am no good. sometimes i think about a consistent misjudgment that the people who surround me make -- that i am someone worth putting their faith into. this is an incredible mistake. it is when people put too much trust in me, that things tend to go awry and fast. of course, i cannot blame anyone for this misjudgment; at the end of the day, it is my fault and mine alone, for being someone not worth trusting.

after the excursion, i did go to panera, and there, i bought a low-calorie drink. out of paranoia, i generally thought about how i could excuse the money i spent on pencil sharpeners, so i later lied and told my mom that i bought a cookie, relative to it's price. for dinner, i do believe that i ate more than i would have liked. on top of that, it was not a particularly easy meal to purge, since it was a rice bowl, and rice tends to be more heavy in your stomach. so, i was unable purge as much as i would have liked. reflecting on the day, it was not necessarily good within terms of restriction. but i also acknowledge, it could be worse. i would estimate that it would be under 1,000 calories, but not by much. i did succeed on acquiring pencil sharpeners, which has been my intention for a long while. although, this came with conflicted feelings for me, and increased anxiety.

i do not have much else to say, and to anyone who reads this, i wish you a good day.

#ray talks #tw ana diary #mental health diary #tw restrictive ed #ed not ed sheeran

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ladywaffles · 10 months

Note

hello fellow enjoyer of things >:)

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers?

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write?

💖 What made you start writing?

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

💞 Who's your comfort character?

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

😈: i am so bad at writing smut scenes so i always fade to black, even when it feels like there should be a scene there and i've built up to it, and it just feels cruel. i would say like 60% of the time there was a sex scene there but i just couldn't get it right so i always end up cutting them out before posting. also i wrote a story once where the entire thesis was "what if the villain deliberately broke the rules on bioethics, as a character study and worldbuilding exercise" and well. readers did not seem to like that. conversely, i also have not updated either of my big WIPs in over a year, so like, that too.

🛒: music and sound are a very big part of my life, so they come up in my stories pretty often! i really enjoy writing to set the place of a scene/story, so i do a lot of touch/smell/hearing similes and metaphors. in terms of feelings, there's a lot of contemplating of loneliness, but not the kind that is, "i am alone in my room," rather the, "i am the only one who has this set of experiences and circumstances, and i cannot explain myself to this person who i care about so they can understand my actions/affections/choices fully, and that makes me feel isolated."

🛠: i primarily use scrivener to write fic, although if you catch me without my laptop, i'll sometimes use google docs or just a plain old fashioned pen and paper. if i'm plotting something out for a longer story, i might use a handwritten timeline on a blank sheet of paper and then just cover it in highlighter and sticky notes as i tack on addendums, if i'm not just screaming about it in a friend's DMs. thesaurus dot com is my best friend.

💖: i started writing fic when i was maybe 11 or 12, right around the time that i first learned that fic existed when i was looking up pictures to make my nook wallpaper, and you could do self-inserts and change the story around to suit your desires, like play-pretend but better. there were just so many permutations to explore, and i really liked that idea! i didn't start publishing fic until i was about 15. that first fic is still out there on ao3 somewhere, but i've since anonymized it so i don't have to look at it on my profile anymore lol. (not because i think the fandom is cringe, but rather because i've grown a lot as an author and it's not necessarily representative of my ability anymore!)

👀: so i know the answer you want me to tell you about is the comphet iceman accidental lovechild aaron tveit AU but sadly i have no more words on paper than that which i have already told you (iceman, very gay and upset over breakup # 3 with maverick, comphet rebounds with a woman who is also very gay and rebounding comphet style and whoops there's a baby now and here comes a bouncing baby aaron tveit). i'm still working on the timelines, because the top gun timeline in relation to the actual universe timeline of when everyone got married/how old aaron is versus when CMIYC was on broadway/aaron's nearly 10-year long absence from broadway is a hot mess and i'm trying to piece things together in the way that is the most true to form/makes the most sense.

💞: donald scripps from the history boys ("I have never particularly liked myself but the boy I was, kneeling in that cold and empty chapel that winter morning, fills me now with longing and pity," spoke wonders to my eighteen-year-old self who was also off to university and questioning reality) and obi-wan kenobi from star wars ("until this very moment, he had never realized he’d always expected, for no discernible reason—that when he died, anakin would be with him." his place in the series as a man who fights for good because it is the right thing to do, because he believes in goodwill, even as the world crumbles around him because it is inevitable that he fail in his mission and ultimately lose everything and everyone he loves, and we all know that he must fail so that others will succeed where he did not... i eat that shit RIGHT up.)

✅: there are at least three separate instances where i have used the righteous brothers' unchained melody in my writing, and two of them are because the song plays on a jukebox in a greasy spoon diner. it was completely unintentional, that's just a song that keeps popping up lol.

fanfic writer emoji ask

#ask #thank you for playing hei!

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stonewallsposts · 1 year

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16 personalities questions: 22-24

I may post two of these per day since I'm getting through them more quickly than I thought. I had originally planned to do 3 statements per day, but I'm nearly a week ahead right now.

22. You are definitely not an artistic type of person

I beg your pardon! All kidding aside, I'm not sure where on the spectrum of left brain v right brain I fit. (I know, I know, there's no such thing... but in the common parlance.) I feel connected to almost any creative outlet that I come across and as a professional artist, I am absolutely an artistic person. But I also have a connection to the logical part too. Admittedly I'm not as adept at logic, found in its purest form in math, at which I'm terrible, as other people. In fact, math and I haven't been on speaking terms since 5th grade and long division. We traded some words, hard feeling ensued... I'd rather not talk about it.

But I don't fit fully on the creative side either. There are a lot of traits of creative people, such as wanting to dress up for comic-con, that I don't seem to have.... at all.

I went to NY once for work, where I was attending a training on drawing the Ni-Hao, Kai-Lan series. I knew one of the other invited artists through some work I had done at LeapFrog, and so we decided to spend some free-time hanging out together. He told me that even if he weren't being paid for art, he would still be doing it anyway since he loved it so much. He mentioned I probably felt the same way. I thought about it and said probably not. I don't know if I would be doing art if no one were paying me for it. Now I know artists who do almost nothing else. Even in their downtime, they are drawing, painting, working on projects. I do this stuff because I get paid. But I don't do it on my free-time. I have other things I want to do.

But I love music, and it was never enough for me to just listen to it. I had to want to play it. I play guitar and bass, and I used to mess with keyboards when I lived at my parents' house. But since I don’t have the time to try and restart the keyboard, the one I have now is just sitting in my closet. In fact, I should sell that... but I digress...

I was always good at the creative writing and literature part in English classes, and terrible at the sentence diagramming.

23. You think the world would be a better place if people relied more on rationality and less on their feelings

Well, having looked at the question in more detail now, I really don't accept the binary presented here. I do think that in general, we need to be more thoughtful, and particularly more respectful and forgiving in dealing with others, especially those with different viewpoints. Even if I don't agree with someone, I should start from the position that they aren't idiots and have reasons for why they believe what they believe. Listen to them and find out. It might even further inform my own position.

24. You prefer to do your chores before allowing yourself to relax

I'll lean slightly towards this statement.

When moving, I can't really stop until everything is set up.

When eating, I tend to eat the stuff I don't like before the stuff I do. I used to eat all the wheaty parts of the lucky charms first, so I'd have all marshmallows left. When I eat pop-tarts, I eat the edge that doesn't have any frosting and leave the frosted parts until the end. Now that I'm older and my mom isn't around to make me eat everything before I can get up from the table, I'll just eat what I want and toss the rest, but even now, if I like everything, but like one thing more, I'll tend to save it for last. I think this all translates into a general desire to get the parts I prefer less out of the way. And I definitely prefer relaxing to chores.

But I will also certainly take a break in the middle of a chore I need to do. So I do prefer to do the chores first, but I'm not compulsive about it at all.

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motownfiction · 1 year

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frosted windows

In the wintertime, Will leaves a message on Lucy’s frosted windows every morning, just before he gets in the car for school.

At first, when she catches him doing it, she acts like it’s annoying. She’s six years old and doesn’t understand the concept of love notes outside the books that she’s surely too young to be reading. But one day, when he doesn’t do it, she tells him she missed it, and he’d better not forget again. So everyday since then, he’s tried to outdo himself. And every year since then, he’s tried to outdo himself even more.

The messages are usually simple. Good morning or Hello or Good luck on your math test if Will knew Lucy was particularly dreading an exam later that day. But now that they’re in tenth grade, Will thinks he needs to step it up. After all, he’s just turned sixteen, and the Welcome, Spring! dance is in a week. Either he’s going to keep pining for a girl who refuses to admit how she feels about him, or he’s going to move on.

And he just doesn’t want to move on.

In the end, he knows he won’t have to. But for now – now, the only thing he can even try to control – he has to act fast. He has to do something.

So, like every winter morning, Will walks over to Lucy’s frosted window. He takes a deep breath as he thinks about what he wants to say (as if he didn’t spend all night practicing it in his geometry notebook when he should have been taking notes for class). Slowly, he takes his hand out of his glove and begins to write with his index finger.

You are a red, red rose.

He begins to draw a rosebud in the frost, too, but a laugh from the front door interrupts him. He jumps. Lucy. She’s walking toward him. She’s walking toward him, and even though she’s wearing her plain old school uniform, she is the most beautiful girl Will has ever seen.

“Are you invoking Robert Burns?” she asks as she reads Will’s daily message. “Or are you planning to kill me and paint my corpse with my own blood?”

Will grimaces.

“The first one,” he says. “Why would I ever kill you?”

Lucy shrugs.

“I don’t know,” she says. “Lots of guys do crazy things when they love the same girl for almost ten years in a row without reciprocation.”

“Yeah, well … I don’t know. Maybe I’m not convinced you don’t reciprocate.”

Lucy almost blushes. A red, red rose.

“Well,” she begins to sputter, “that’s a double negative.”

“Come on. I know you. Even you’re not focused on the grammar right now.”

Lucy rolls her eyes, and Will can barely hide how gleeful he is on the inside. He’s got her. He’s got her, and he doesn’t even know what to do with her.

“If you think you’re going to floor me by telling me you’re into me, that’s never going to work,” Lucy says, still fighting with her embarrassment. “I’ve always known.”

“Yeah, but that’s just it,” Will says. “I didn’t tell you I was into you. I told you that you were into me. There’s a difference. But you’re way smarter than I am. You already know that.”

Lucy bites her lip. Will thinks he might be able to fly, if only for a moment. Maybe he could just hover.

“You can’t make me say anything,” she says. “You can’t make me do anything.”

“Oh, I know,” Will says. “And I don’t want to. That’s what I like about you. You do everything in your own time. On your own terms. And I’ll wait for that. You know I will.”

Lucy fights off another smile. She mumbles something inaudible before she climbs into her mother’s car to go to school. Will watches as they drive away, grinning like a fool.

He’s got her.

And soon, she’ll care to know.

#drabble #ch: will o'connor #ch: lucy callaghan #ship: c'est la vie say the old folks #year: 1983

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romantic-reveries · 2 years

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Sometimes I feel like a silly little rag doll, the way my mind throws me around.

I want to be good. I want to be needless and desireless. I want to not crave connection and intimacy. I want to be steady all the time. I want to rely on myself for everything I need.

Instead, I am sometimes steady, and sometimes spiteful. Sometimes grateful, and sometimes critical.

I want to make things happen so badly, but I’ve found that persistence and pushing in way of interpersonal relationships does nothing but hurt my feelings because I never get the same energy back, and if anything, it just makes me feel desperate and needy, so now I just wait for people to come to me, and that feels… wrong, too. I am either not trying hard enough or trying too hard, and perplexed by people in the meantime.

One of my friends moved, and we haven’t seen each other much since. She keeps trying to see me, but it’s only on her terms. She asks me only a day in advance, and I often already have plans. It feels like I’m blowing her off, but would it kill her to make plans more than a day out? I’m not an afterthought. I get being busy, but you can still work around your days off.

My other two friends sometimes treat me like we’re truly a trio. They make group chats and include me even when I’m bad at like, using Snapchat. But they do so much without me in person, without even so much as telling me or inviting me. One of them said I’m always invited, but how can I be invited when I don’t even know what’s going on? And granted, they’re mostly just hanging out at each other’s houses, but I don’t drive, and we all live very close. Why can’t they come to mine? We all live with people, so it’s not as though one of their places is better because we’re not intruding on anyone. Realistically, they spend the most time at the girl’s house whose roommate hates her, cooped up in her tiny bedroom. At least at my place, we’re free to be out and about. And I told them they’re welcome literally anytime—for dinner or just to hang out. And maybe they also feel weird inviting themselves, but so I, and they’re not going out of their way to invite me over, either. And I’ve just sort of stopped trying because it feels weird, the dynamic being “them” and “me”. I don’t know. It’s not that it hurts my feelings, but the inconsistency is annoying. Either include me fully or don’t include me at all.

I’m the kind of person who is all in with people I like. If I didn’t feel so left out when we were all together, I’d be inviting them over all the time. Having girl’s nights. I love making people feel good—cooking for them, playing with their hair, doing their makeup or other girly stuff. But the dynamic FEELS like “them” and “me” when it’s the three of us. One of them has this pathological need to be the center of attention, and after learning about and meeting her family, I get why, and I relate to being that way myself when I was younger, but not like that. I did it when we were in high school and forced to be around friends we maybe didn’t always like or get along with. They hang out with me of their own volition and then make little inside jokes in front of me. It FEELS very high school and petty, even if it isn’t intended to be exclusionary.

And then the brother that I’m potentially supposed to go out with and have heard nothing from, meanwhile the girl talking to the other brother is staying on the phone overnight with hers. And again—it’s fine. I don’t even know if I particularly want to be involved, or if he’s someone I would even want to be involved WITH, but. It’s weird to sort of half-ass act like he wanted to pursue me or something, and just… not. I don’t know. Again, I get being busy. I do. Life happens. But I’m a firm believer of “if they wanted to, they would” and would it kill people to treat me a little less like an afterthought? Like someone they actually want to prioritize spending time with?

And I get caught between feeling like I should be grateful to have friends at all after so long and feeling sad that it still isn’t what I deserve. And then wondering how much is accurate and how much is my fucked up head.

#personal

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aridguezrm · 2 years

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Opinions about "Growth Mindset: A Must Have Tool for Success" a conversation between Professor Carol Dweck and Dr Waseem Akhtar

As soon as I heard some comments during the lecture about the conversation with Professor Dweck it captivated my attention and I decided to write about it. Since I was a little kid drawing has been one of my “talents” which I feel, I have lost throw out the time and I could not understand why. After listening to a few minutes of this enriching conversation a few thoughts came to my mind. When I was a teenager, I took up oleo painting and no sooner had I started to bring my work than I started listening to praises from everyone around me. And now I wonder why I never got better at it. At the present in my professional life, I always keep telling myself that I am not talented enough and usually find myself not trying because if I do, I could fail and that would make me feel utterly disappointed.

Professor Carol Dweck has a PhD in Psychology from Yale University, she has been conducting research on motivation and success for many years. In her studies she found out that among people there are two types of mindsets. Fixed and growth mindset, the first one is usually the one who does not let people develop their abilities or talents. When you have a fixed mindset, you are content with what you already have or know and there is no place for imperfection. In contrast with a growth mindset, you are open to new challenges that would forward develop your abilities and talents alternatively getting new ones. This kind of mindset allows people to achieve more in the long term.

It was fascinating to discover that a fixed mindset is always trying to show off and their negative attitude regarding effort. In contrast with a growth mindset, they believe that if you are intelligent or talented enough you should not put as much effort into something as someone who is not intellectually gifted. This is one of the reasons why fixed mindsets are usually quitters. Considering that if I need too much effort to achieve something then I am not good at it. While a growth mindset is focused on learning, they do not waste time trying to demonstrate how smart they are. They prefer getting smarter by learning from their mistakes.

Professor Dweck explains how babies are keen on learning, from starting to talk to starting to walk. They never get uncomfortable despite their mistakes. Although as they grow, they commence judging themselves or sensing being judged by others. Therefore, they start avoiding learning to not make mistakes and protect themselves to not feel dumb.

Among all the studies she has carried out the same outcome has arisen. A growth mindset is more likely to achieve their goals. Furthermore, an engrossing consequence of building up growth mindset is that it allows minorities to break free from their stereotypes. Her findings in brain scans show that a fixed mindset tends not to get involved in the process and they usually get very emotional when they find out that they made a mistake and do not deeply process what they learn. As for growth mindsets are prone to understand why they fail and find the solution while profoundly processing the current information.

She points out that nurture is particularly important, but critique is key. Taking parenting as an example, professor Dwek says that telling a kid how brilliant or clever they are leads to a fixed mindset. They would even be willing to lie if they do not obtain a clever mind score, just to keep being applauded. She talks about the online program for adolescents “Brainology” which teaches how their brains could make stronger connections when learning so that it could be applied to school.

One of the recurrent aspects of this conversation was about how we should be learning growth mindset at all levels. As parents we usually praise kids for their intellectual or talent achievements and what this does is stop them from becoming resilient and successful. As a teacher it is crucial to understand that a fixed mindset can depend on the way they approach their pupils. And as a student it could be a great instrument to develop new talents and make our studies less miserable.

As Mexican and as a woman rounding her 30s (plus), I am constantly stopping myself from learning, because my age or background. I am well used to comparing or diminishing myself. However, this fascinating conversation shed some light on my fixed mindset and encouraged me to work on it.

Find out more about Professor´s Carol Dwek research here.

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biggest-gaudiest-patronuses · 3 years

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I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.)

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

#The way things are is not the way things will always be. So I have learned to trust.#i...i accidentally spent 4 1/2 HOURS writing this what the FUCK #long post #not a shitpost #serious post #mental health #c-ptsd #complex ptsd #trauma #ask to tag #i need to take a break and drink some tea #maybe with the fancy new tea biscuits i just bought #they have pecans and honey. i like honey #pecans are gross though except apparently in biscuits. these biscuits are really good #anyway let me know if you're worried I've misspoke or misrepresented anything here #again i'm not a professional. i'm just a person in therapy who has spent the last few years learning about and healing from complex trauma #and i wish i had known all of this years sooner. but i know it now so i'm putting it out there #bc i hope it helps someone dealing with the same things i dealt with.#i know things now that were painful to learn. and i will use them gently with great care #i wish i hadn't suffered the way i suffered. but since i have--how miraculous if i could use it to prevent others from suffering the same #that's the best thing to do with pain i think. turn it into something warm and blazing and try to use it to keep others warm #pain is like fire that way. you can burn yourself and others with it. or you can tame it and keep it in a jar and use it as a guiding light #For the Love of All the Fucks please notify me of typos

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piecksz · 3 years

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three’s a crowd | (m)

pairing: reiner x fem!reader x eren

warnings: nsfw, oral sex (female recieving), cuckolding, male masturbation, penetrative sex, voyeurism, slight degredation, slight angst, light mention of drugs, explicit language

summary: reiner’s attempt at hiding his attraction towards you fails, but lucky for him, eren’s feeling generous.

words: 4.6k

a/n: this was so much longer than i planned for.....well.....shit LMAOOO

a/n x2: I FORGOT TO ADD if you guys wanna listen to the song i looped like 47 fucking times while writing this, bc i feel like it fits reiner in this one shot kinda well, u can listen to recognize by partynextdoor (feat. drake) :p enjoy

Reiner hated Eren.

He hadn’t gone into living with someone he’d never met in person before with innumerable expectations, but he wasn’t banking on his roommate to be his polar opposite. He hated the sound of Eren’s riotous music into the early hours of dawn. He hated the unbearable malodor of his marijuana dependence, and he hated the way he carried himself with an intolerable air of arrogance, but as much as Eren’s living habits irritated him, it was the fact that Eren had you that presided over all of his grievances.

Being a witness to it made Reiner sick, knowing that you were leagues above Eren, and surely you deserved someone respectable, but somehow he’d charmed you into a long-term relationship, and Reiner wondered how he’d managed it. If by some miracle it had been up to him, Reiner speculated that he would be a viable match for you--that was if he had those sentiments for you--and he reassured himself he didn’t hold any promiscuous feelings towards his roommate’s girlfriend.

Yet it was hard for Reiner to rationalize the obscene thoughts that pervaded his mind at 2 AM. His clock displayed the time in bold red numbers, an indication that he should have been fast asleep, but you had decided to spend the night, and he already understood what that entailed.

The walls in their apartment were thin and did an insubstantial job of muting the noise that traveled between rooms. Reiner boasted the privilege of having his room right next to Eren’s, which meant he could hear everything that happened on the other side of the barrier. He heard every whimper, every groan, every time Eren praised you for taking him so well, and every time he admired how irresistible you looked while he fucked you from the back. The sound was so lucid he could count exactly how many rounds you guys had gone, and it was usually two, three if Eren hadn’t seen you in a while which was rare.

You two were hard to ignore, no matter how hard Reiner had tried, meaning he was also up late, listening while you two coupled. Your cries of stimulation, however, he didn’t mind as much. In truth, Reiner was always tempted to slip his hands into his pants and get himself off to the sound of your enticing whimpers, but he would discourage himself, deciding it was against his better judgement. Instead he would opt to cover his ears with his pillow, flipping over onto his side and dedicating his total effort to falling asleep.

Of course, Reiner had long established that he didn’t like you, but he swore he could make you feel better than Eren could.

It was around midday when Reiner returned to their apartment after committing his morning to helping his long-time friend, Pieck, pack up the furniture at her studio in preparation to move. They were halfway finished with stowing away Pieck’s belongings before she realized they didn’t have enough boxes and apologized, asking Reiner if he’d be willing to return the following day to help her load up her remaining things. He obliged, guiltily happy that he was being dismissed early.

Reiner kicked off his shoes and ambled into the kitchen to set down the food he secured on his way home, but he paused momentarily to scrutinize the condition of the living room, discerning Eren’s obvious trace.

The TV was on, but it sat idly, blinking images of some prime time movie Reiner couldn’t recognize, and Eren’s drug paraphernalia was left scattered on the coffee table, his bong alongside his stray lighter and grinder.

“Eren!” Reiner had prompted him on several occasions, reminding Eren that just because he thought electricity was a necessary utility and should be free, didn’t mean it was, they still had to pay for it. He also requested that he put his bong away after he was done smoking since it wasn’t permitted in their building, but Eren seemed heedless to that demand too. “Eren!”

Reiner anticipated a response, but huffed when he received only silence. Leave it to his roommate to blight his good mood in record time. He mumbled inaudibly, swiping the remote off the table to turn the TV off, and then reluctantly bending down to tidy the space of Eren’s things.

“Hi, Sunshine. You’re up and about early.”

Reiner straightened himself out and turned around, unaware that you’d been over. He missed your approaching footsteps. Had you stayed the night? He didn’t hear anything from Eren’s room the previous evening which was unusual to say the least. Maybe you’d stopped by earlier that morning while he’d been out.

“Hey,” he replied meekly. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were here.”

Reiner’s eyes looked you over swiftly, slightly startled at the lack of clothing covering your bottom half. You were only wearing a loose shirt that stopped dangerously at your hips and a pair of lace undergarments, but naturally, you didn’t seem the least bit phased. You’d practically lived with them. When you weren’t in class or at your part-time job, you were at their apartment, leading Reiner to wonder if you forgot you had a place of your own.

“It’s fine,” you smiled. “Sorry Eren left all of his shit out. I don’t know how I know the house rules and he doesn’t.”

Reiner snorted. “He knows them, he just doesn’t care.” His voice was casual although he walked hastily into the kitchen to avoid looking at you. He stored Eren’s bong in the vacant cupboard above the microwave before throwing his other tools into a miscellaneous drawer.

As if on cue, Eren wandered out of his room languidly, carelessly shrugging a jacket onto his unclad upper body. Reiner took that as a sign that his lunch would be best enjoyed in his room. He was already irked, and wasn’t in the headspace to deal with the current atmosphere.

“What’d you get?” you questioned, leaning over the counter with mirth. You paid little attention to the way Eren came up behind you, circling his arms around your waist and resting his chin in the curve of your shoulder. You looked more interested in the alluring smells wafting from the paper bag in Reiner’s hand.

Another thing he hated about Eren was his shameless PDA. It appeared he adored showing you off, letting everyone know that you were his, but God--how could anyone forget when it seemed he was incapable of keeping his hands off of you. Reiner himself recognized that you were a prize, from your lively eyes that were a marriage of subtle hues to the way your lips curled upwards when you grinned. He even noticed the curve of your breasts’ shape through your shirt. If Reiner had you, he’d want you all to himself.

He shook the thought out of his head.

“I just got something small on the way home.” He forced a smile. “If I’d known you were over I would have gotten you something too.”

“Why do you treat Y/N better than you treat me?” Eren asked, sounding only a little bit offended.

Reiner pretended to think before he responded. “Ah, maybe it’s because I don’t like you.”

You laughed at Reiner’s reply, and Eren only smiled, but Reiner detected something else behind his expression. Mischief.

“Do you like Y/N?”

Reiner creased his eyebrows together. “Of course.” He hadn’t read too much into the question. He did like you. You weren’t just easy on the eyes, but you were great company too. That was the only reason he didn’t mind lending their apartment to you as a second home, he enjoyed being around you.

You let out an exaggerated aww after he answered. “I like you too, Reiner.”

Reiner chuckled, shaking his head, but inside he was telling his heart to calm down. You didn’t mean it like that.

Eren hummed absentmindedly, swaying side to side slowly while you rocked along to his movement.

“Do you wanna fuck her?”

Reiner gripped the bag in his hand tightly, and his smile faltered in shock, reeling from the bombshell of Eren’s question. “What?” Did he hear him correctly?

You looked just as surprised, exclaiming your boyfriend’s name and craning your neck to look at him.

“I’m kidding,” he dismissed, but Reiner could tell he wasn’t from the way Eren’s eyes didn’t waver from him.

What Reiner didn’t know was that Eren had caught onto him. He’d known for a while, which was why he was particularly touchy with you around Reiner, showing you off, not caring whether you walked around their apartment scarcely dressed, it was because Eren enjoyed having something that someone else wanted. He saw the way his roommate acted around his girlfriend, reserved and quiet, more than he usually was, and he even noticed the way Reiner’s eyes dipped down to your chest in the moment because Eren was exceptional at paying attention to detail.

You must have detected how uncomfortable Reiner felt because you delivered a brief jab to Eren’s ribs with your elbow.

“Eren, that’s not fucking funny,” you chided. “Do I need to put you in time out?”

“It’s fine,” Reiner interrupted quickly. He didn’t want you defending him because you were oblivious. It only made the situation more embarrassing than it already was since, truthfully, the thought had crossed his mind more than once.

Eren reiterated his question, eyes narrowed at Reiner. “So do you?”

You sighed heavily and looked at Reiner apologetically. He could feel his face growing hot, and he prayed it wasn’t obvious he was as flushed as he felt. He just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

Reiner released a humourless chuckle. “Grow up, Eren.” He slipped past the two of you, but he didn’t get far.

“I’m only asking because I’m feeling charitable. You wouldn’t mind, would you baby?”

Reiner could hear Eren pressing a series of ticklish kisses against your skin, causing you to laugh through your answer.

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind if Reiner doesn’t mind.”

Reiner brought his teeth down hard on the tip of his tongue. He was surprised that Eren was so secure in his relationship that he would willingly allow another man to have his way with his girlfriend. He wasn’t sure if his suggestion was insane or ingenious, because Eren had taken control of the one thing that threatened any relationship: infidelity, something so unvirtuous wouldn’t stop him from loving you. You and Eren were so committed to each other that a simple fuck meant nothing.

Reiner hesitated, but figured an opportunity like this was rare. He had both Eren’s permission and yours, yet he still didn’t believe his sincerity until you were in Eren’s room, starting to strip out of your clothes.

His chestnut eyes drifted over to Eren, slouched lazily in the chair he casually pulled out from his desk. “You’re gonna watch?”

Eren lifted a thick eyebrow, resting his thumb under his chin with an index finger against his cheek, looking unimpressed by Reiner’s obvious reservations. “You think I’d let you fuck my girlfriend without me here?”

Reiner slid a tense hand over the back of his neck, rubbing away the uncomfortable heat that creeped up his back and diffused to the tips of his ears. He figured that was reasonable considering the circumstances, after all, he was only fucking you because Eren had allowed it.

There was nothing more intoxicating to Reiner than your bare form, scanty pink lace clinging to your hips the only thing preventing you from being completely naked in front of him. His gaze dipped from your simpering smile down to your collarbones and then down to your breasts, perfectly sculpted to your figure.

Reiner made no efforts to move despite his insatiable urge to grab you in his arms and make certain that you were left satisfied. He feared he’d look too eager to Eren who was observing from the sidelines, but you paid little attention to your audience of one as you sauntered towards Reiner, closer and closer, until your arms slid around his neck and you pressed your chest to his torso.

Reiner’s body was strung so tightly, he was afraid he might snap. It seemed you took notice of the way his muscles tensed once your delicate fingers ghosted over the nape of his neck because your suggestive expression waned, and instead, your eyebrows creased with sincere concern.

“You okay?”

He couldn’t respond, but to be fair, it was because his heart was hammering against his chest and he wasn’t sure how to make it stop. He looked over at Eren again, who, fortunately, didn’t seem to pay much attention to him. Instead, your boyfriend’s stare was fixed on your backside, likely admiring how luscious you looked from his perspective.

“I’m over here.” You laughed and pressed a gentle finger to Reiner’s chin, redirecting his focus back to you. “Just relax.”

He swallowed, chuckling to soothe his unease. “I’m trying.”

Reiner wasn’t sure why he felt so unassertive in your presence. He didn’t hold a record like Eren did, but he also wasn't abstinent by any means. This, though, felt different. He was dealing with several months of pent-up sexual frustration that could only be satisfied by you and no one else. He knew because he’d tried.

Reiner drew in a ragged breath as you leaned into him, breathing heavily through his mouth until you closed the space in between you two, then he continued breathing heavily through his nose. At first, he made no efforts to close his eyes, afraid that the imagery in front of him was a mirage inspired by his own imagination and would disappear if he so much as blinked. His lips were timid, body taut under your touch, but you seduced his mouth, reining him in until he melted into the kiss.

He pushed back against you with fervor and desperation, outlining the shape of your bottom lip with his tongue before nipping at the soft flesh. You released a quiet whimper, intensifying the lust swelling in the pit of his stomach, and Reiner forced his tongue past your teeth, claiming your mouth while his wandering hands settled audaciously against your ass.

Your hands slid over his shoulders and crafted biceps until they tugged hastily against the hem of his shirt, and Reiner immediately understood your cue, withdrawing his mouth from yours to give himself just enough time to slip out of it. He dipped down again to deliver another kiss, but he was deterred by the feeling of your palm against his chest.

“What? Is something wrong?” he questioned quickly, eyes darting back and forth between your hand and your face, worried that he’d done something to overstep your boundaries.

Instead of the troubled expression he expected, you looked rather intrigued. Perhaps impressed was the better word. Your curiosity was held by Reiner’s physique, a living work of art. Eager fingers traveled down the built ripples of his abdomen, chuckling once you felt his muscles flex under your touch.

“Jesus Christ,” you breathed. “Nice, Braun.”

A snicker emitted from the corner. This, miraculously, Eren allowed.

Reiner's mouth quirked upward in a subtle smile before he surrounded you with his arm, pulling you in for another kiss. He walked you backwards until you collapsed onto the mattress, and he fell on top of you, strong forearms holding up his weight. It was then that Reiner realized he allowed his lust to win in the war against himself.

He pulled away to recover his breath, winded pants fanning over your face. His surveying eyes searched yours before they lowered to your swollen lips. God, you were even more mesmerizing up close, heavy-lidded and studying him through a curtain of eyelashes. Maybe for once Reiner would admit he was jealous of Eren. He was fucking envious, bitter, and spiteful that you were his. He’d been a goddamn idiot to let things go this far, agreeing to Eren’s offer, because he knew one fuck wouldn’t be enough to fufill his need for you. He’d barely gotten a taste, and he could already promise that nothing would ever compare to this.

He found your throat and pressed a fleeting kiss to your pulse, moving further down until his lips met your collarbone. He nipped at the delicate skin, taking notice of the way your grip in his hair tightened. His eyebrows arched while he peered up at you, delighting in the way your head rolled back and forth against the duvet. He really wanted to suck at your skin, leaving dark bruises that decorated the path from your earlobe down to your breastbone, but he knew Eren would kill him.

Reiner dipped lower until his lips brushed lightly against your beaded nipple. You made a small sound of protest, but held his head closer, letting him know what you really wanted. His heart beat erratically against his ribcage as he curved a large hand around your right breast and suppressed a groan, but you released a breathy whimper.

He could feel the sound wreaking havoc in his brain. His balls were so damn tight, it would take barely any effort for him to cum, but he wanted to prolong your coupling as long as possible. He didn’t know if he’d ever get another chance like this.

His thumb ran over the erect peaks of your breasts, captivated by the magic of watching your back arch and your body become aroused under his touch. He dipped a finger into his mouth, glazing it with his saliva before using it to flick back and forth at your nipple.

“Fuck, Reiner,” you mewled.

Reiner replaced his hand with his lips, sucking the sensitive bud into his mouth. The tip of his tongue swirled around it, coating it generously with his spit, while you made no attempts to conceal your intense cries of pleasure.

Eren released an entertained sigh, swiveling back and forth in his chair. “She whines like a bitch, doesn’t she?”

Shit. Reiner had almost forgotten he was there, but he still released a hungry grunt in agreement, sending vibrations over your chest. He tugged at your nipple with his teeth, releasing it, and then soothing the sting with the flat side of his tongue.

He trailed down your abdomen, pressing hard wet kisses and stopping to leave a quick lick to your navel. He grinned against your skin when you gripped the sheets and breathed his name again, this time quieter, as if you meant it only for his ears. He liked to think so.

Once he reached the waistband of your panties, he licked along the fabric, immobilizing your rolling hips with strong hands.

“Enough with the theatrics, Reiner. Just do it already,” Eren groaned, sounding irate.

Reiner assumed Eren’s groan was only to stress his impatience, but once he looked over to him, he realized he wasn’t just giving directives from the sidelines. His bottom lip was tucked between his teeth, and his hand was moving steadily against the noticeable tent in his sweatpants.

He was enjoying this just as much as Reiner was, getting off to the sight of his girlfriend under another man, his roommate nonetheless.

Reiner suddenly felt strange. What the hell was he doing providing entertainment for Eren?

“Reiner,” your needy voice pulled him out of his reflection. His attention drifted back to you, watching while you propped yourself up on your elbows and slid your unsteady hands over your chest to tweak your own nipples, as if you were trying to hold yourself over.

He wished you hadn’t looked so tempting, even with your disheveled hair and sweaty skin, your vulnerable eyes fixated on him, and he was powerless.

Reiner hooked his fingers around your underwear, kissing a trail down the inside of your thighs as he pulled your panties down to your ankles before slipping them off and letting them pool on the floor.

“Spread wide baby, let him see that pretty pussy,” Eren stirred, cock now thrust out the top of his grey sweats and his swollen tip glistening with precum. His hand was wrapped firmly around his stiff length, moving slow while his breathing quickened.

For once, Reiner agreed with him, and he pressed his fingers into your thighs to aid you in parting your legs. Your pussy was slick with your own arousal, squelching as you tightened around nothing. You were even prettier than he’d imagined.

“Fuck,” Reiner breathed, extending two fingers to part your folds. Was he still sure he wasn’t dreaming?

He wrapped his built arms around your legs, pulled you closer, and lowered his head. He fixed his lips to your swollen clit, allowing his tongue to lap and circle around the tender bud every few seconds.

“Oh my god,” you cried, writhing against the sheets.

If he hadn’t secured your legs in his grip, he was certain you would have smothered him between your thighs out of reflex. He could detect the way you fought against his hold, but he far overpowered you in strength.

When he plunged his tongue inside you without notice, that was nearly enough to send you over the edge. You pulled on the sheets with a frenzied grip, producing a shrill cry your neighbors had certainly heard. There was no doubt about it.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you murmured, chest expanding and falling with labored breaths.

Reiner wanted to spend a few more generous minutes tasting you, he couldn’t get enough, but he also wasn’t sure how much longer he would last. His cock was hot and hard in his pants, and he needed to feel you around him. Even if Eren wouldn’t let him cum inside of you, he needed to experience at least that much.

He rose to his feet, working quickly against his pants’ zipper while trying not to tease himself by looking at you. He was worried the mere sight of you on the bed, spread and ready for him would be enough to bring him to a climax, but he’d made the mistake of looking at you anyways, hand between your legs, delicate fingers rubbing at your clit while you stared up at him.

Fucking hell. Kill me. Reiner thought. Fuck. He felt the throbbing heat of his cock, and he wished you wouldn’t look at him like that. He really wished you wouldn’t look at him like that.

“Look at her, so desperate to be filled. It’s almost pathetic,” Eren laughed, but it was clear he was feeling your effect too. He lolled his head forward, long brown hair spilling over his shoulders and obscuring his face while his palm worked fast against his cock.

Shut up, Reiner thought. His head was growing hazy, and he couldn’t think. He needed to be inside you, and he couldn’t wait a second longer.

Reiner let himself free while his pants and underwear hung low around his knees. He couldn’t even find time to delight in the way your face melted into bliss once you laid eyes on his thick cock, leaking precum in sinful amounts because all he could think about was his ache. He leaned over you, positioning himself at your entrance.

He’d been waiting for this for so goddamn long.

Reiner exhaled when you said his name again, hips undulating against his cock and wet folds stroking his tip. He watched as he pushed himself into you, filling you to the hilt, and once he was inside he hung his head forward, eyes shut tightly in a painful sort of ecstasy.

“You’re so fucking tight,” Reiner grunted breathlessly.

He groaned, pinning your hips down with his once you attempted to fuck yourself onto his cock.

“Stop moving,” he pleaded. “Jesus christ--please don’t move.” He stayed still for a moment, waiting until his sensitivity subsided before he started rocking his hips against you slowly.

Reiner couldn’t dedicate his focus to anything other than the feeling of your slick walls clenching around his cock every time he pulled out, and the way he stretched you out every time he thrusted back in. He wondered if you could feel the depth of his desire.

“Harder,” you whispered once, and then begged louder. “Reiner please, fuck me harder.”

At first, Reiner was worried. He wanted to be gentle, he wanted to savor you, and he wanted to make sure he didn’t hurt you, but your request had him picking up the pace, ramming into you until the familiar slapping sound of sweaty skin filled the room.

You unraveled and became completely undone, letting out loud moans every time he drove his cock into you. Reiner thought the sound was incredibly euphonic as it fell upon his ears. You were like this because of him.

“How’s this?” His voice was husky and deep beside your ear.

Reiner was pleased by your lack of response. You could only nod, overwhelmed by the dual sensation brought on by him and the feeling of your quick fingers against your clit. You secured an arm around his neck again and wrapped your legs around his torso, clinging to him like he was all you needed. He wished that was how you really felt.

“Close…,” you murmured, and Reiner deduced you were warning him that you were near your orgasm. He could tell by the way your walls began to spasm.

Reiner felt the small of his back tighten, and he knew he was close too. He was torn between his release and holding himself back, not ready for this to end just yet, but his body betrayed him and he felt his cock twitch inside you.

Luckily, you reached your climax first, and Reiner watched in awe as your body seized underneath him, breasts bobbing with every jolt while you worked your clit into overstimulation. It wasn’t long after your orgasm that he made his last rueful thrusts. He quickly pulled out and clasped himself in the curve of his hand. He pumped his length until he released in quick spurts onto your stomach, covering you in his hot seed, and he kept pumping until he made sure he emptied himself of every drop.

His eyes quickly darted over to Eren, not to be odd or anything, but again, he had forgotten he was there. It seemed Eren had already satisfied himself. The creamy, white liquid decorating the bare skin of his abdomen and dribbling down his loose fist was evidence of that. Now that he had appeased his urges, he seemed disinterested as he reached over his desk and plucked a few tissues to clean himself up.

Reiner collapsed beside you, listening to the loud thudding of his heart as it delivered a few ecstatic beats while he caught his breath and began to calm down. He stared at the pivoting fan blades, and then his eyes dropped down to you lying next to him, sweaty and fucked out.

You were laying there with him, and goddammit he wanted to reach his arms out and wrap them around you, pulling you close so he could hold you and feel your heartbeat against his chest. He’d press kisses to your salty forehead, and then tell you how much he loved you. He wanted to stay like this.

Reiner's ideal vision dissolved once Eren stopped at the edge of the bed and extended his hand for you to grab.

“You wanna join me for a shower, baby?” Eren asked.

Of course, you took it, allowing him to support you until you were sitting up.

You released an exhausted laugh. “Yes, please.” You then turned to Reiner and arched your eyebrow in surprise. “By the way, not bad, Braun.”

Reiner gave you a small smile in return, but said nothing as he watched you cover your breasts with your arm and let Eren hoist you off the bed. You two slid past him and headed out of the room, but not without Eren looking back over his shoulder, shooting Reiner a shit-eating grin, as though reminding him who you’d always belong to.

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