MILE PHAKPHUM BEHIND THE SCENES OF HIS SUCCESS WITH BOF 500 IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ELLE MEN.

KANOKPORN C.

NOVEMBER 3, 2023

UPDATE US ON YOUR LIFE, YOUR WORK AND YOUR INTERESTS.

Mile: Now i’m an actor of Be On Cloud. As for what i’m interested in now, I would like to have more time for music. In the past, fans may have seen me playing some music and making some songs. I stopped doing it 5-6 years ago, so I would like to revive that because music is what i love the most. Music is charming. Music is a friend. When we’re happy, it can stay with us, when we are suffering, it can stay with us. But most importantly, music allows us to capture various moments. This is the coolness of music. Let’s suppose we listen to something. And we may think of someone, think of some moments of life, it's nostalgia. Some people or some moments can be recorded through music so each person has different memories.

TELL US THE ATMOSPHERE AND IMPRESSION OF GOING TO THE BOF AWARD CEREMONY.

Mile: the atmosphere is that everything was fast. And we didn’t stay very long, just 3 hours. At first, I was excited before going but I didn’t create a picture in my head. I like to do this, i like to challenge myself to face whatever is presented in front of me. I didn’t create a picture in my head and that’s a technique to manage the excitement. We went there to enjoy ourselves. That night was a very fun night. Some people may plan to do 1 2 3 4 but that day I didn't think of anything. When I arrived to the event, i just let myself go. It was fun. And then I met people I didn't expect to meet and i liked them very much.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE FIRST TWO THAI ACTORS ON THE BOF 500 CLASS OF 2023 LIST?

Mile: I was glad to know I made it into BoF. When we knew the details and found out that it was for both of us, we really felt that our work or the way I and Apo present ourselves was understood. The important thing is that our team 'Be On Cloud' has grown to the world. It feels that we’re growing step by step. To be honest, I appreciate being 1 in 500 of BoF, but i will not be excited nor i will be bragging about this because i know that way ahead, there is still room for improvement. But thanks to everyone.

WHAT DID GETTING TO DO A WORLD TOUR GIVE YOU? AND WHICH TOUR IS THE MOST IMPRESSIVE?

Mile: it gives you that type of experience that money could never buy. It’s experience in the fashion like we said earlier, or the world tour going to play concerts. Going to the World Tour, we were able to see the energy of all the fans. Each person is not the same. Touring allows us to meet groups of fans from many countries. Sometimes we had some technique problems. We were impressed because it made us realize that errors can happen all the time, even if it is a very big stage with a strong team behind.

IF YOU HAVE TO BUY A WATCH,HOW DO YOU CHOOSE IT?

Mile: First of all, it has to be “love at first sight' inside of me. It doesn't matter what type of watch but I have to love it, there must be a certain bond. I choose watches using my feelings. It looks a bit like i’m flirting with the watches (smiles). Secondly, it has to be a rare watch. Rare, the word 'rare' is my weakness. Some watches I liked a lot, that were not rare, I didn’t buy them.

HOW DO YOU MANAGE YOURSELF WHEN EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS MESSY OR SOMETHING IS NOT AS YOU LIKE?

Mile: Seriously, I will treat my emotions by, playing music, exercising, or doing anything that feels comfortable. I’ll do anything that distracts me from the reason why i’m suffering. I’ll change the interest, change the atmosphere, i’ll take myself out of there and for a while, i will have an overlap of ideas. And then i’ll finally deal with the idea that it’s bothering me. I retreat myself of one step to look at the problem in a second moment.

AT WHAT AGE DO YOU LIKE YOURSELF THE MOST? 10, 20 OR NOW THAT YOU’RE STARTING TAPPING THE NUMBER 3?

Mile: I think the number 2 is the period that I have tried everything i wanted to do. The number 2 is a period that i like. But it's a period where i learned a lot. Actually, i didn’t need to be responsible for things or the results that came from my decisions. If anything that you do, does not affect anyone, you can try it all. So you don’t have to be very careful. But i’m not sure… I may answer the number 3 but I just entered the number 3 and i’m gonna be here for a long time.

THINKING OF THE FUTURE, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO INVEST IN, TO MAKE YOUR OWN VALUE?

Mile: First of all is knowledge. But if it is an investment related to myself, I want to invest in real estate. I think the property has the highest potential.

NOW THE SPOTLIGHT SHINES BRIGHTLY ON YOU. HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR THE DAY THE LIGHT WILL NOT SHINE ON YOU ANYMORE?

Mile: It's good to change the atmosphere (smiles). It’s what I learned when I had a lot of problems. It was in my 20s. At that time, i have experimented a lot. Because there were a lot of problems, both that i created myself and not. It made me learn one thing, which is important. Life is uncertain. Therefore, if we do anything, one day it will change. It’s the nature of this world. We must be born and get extinguished. When we understand this concept, when things get worse, we can manage ourselves.

EXPRESS THE FEELING OF WORKING WITH FRANCK MULLER AND ELLE MEN

Mile: I'm very happy. I like the watches very much. And I feel that shooting for a watch is something that i wanted to do for a long time. As for Franck Muller, I already knew the brand and i was interested. Because their watches have a unique character. The more I see this collection, the more i think it is very outstanding.

WHY DO FANS LOVE YOU SO MUCH?

Mile: I think because I'm not far from being myself. It's impossible for us to be ourselves 100%, no matter what industry we are in. But we should be honest with what we feel as much as possible. Both behind the screen and on the screen. And I think I am a person who understands people and that includes understanding myself.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY TO THE FANS BEFORE LEAVING?

Mile: I want to thank them again. Because I'm not sure if every time i say thank you, everyone receives that message. Because fans are not just in Thailand, not just in Asia. There is South America. There is a lot of Central Asia, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan. Because the popularity of Asia has expanded a lot. Therefore, what i mean is fans around the world. So I want to thank anyone who came to read this. Fans treated us well from the first day until today. 99% cute as before. Thank you to everyone. They’re part of our happiness. We are happy and happy to be part of their happiness.

an extremely long jure appreciation post cause why not (and i haven't really talked about him for a while) :

well, the stožice album really proved how freaking talented our blonde cat is. you can hear the drums so clearly it's like you're actually there! but the fact remains that i have new found love and respect and admiration and whatever other positive thing there is, for jure. like, the way the drums are so freaking good, and how he managed to create the beat that suits each song. each beat is so unique, it makes me wanna learn to play the drums. see i dont have actual knowledge about that stuff, but i know that there's a lot of work and effort put into this. that just makes me melt and scream at the same time.

a 'tiny' segue (because I have a point and i have to get it out) :

this year I was in a music competition held by my school. I didn't have much to work on, since I was only singing, but the musicians had to learn their parts right? but our drummer (he's 12) struggled a bit trying to learn with video tutorials. and he had to come up with a beat for the transitions and man I felt a bit bad for him. he did have help from our music teacher, but the poor guy was panicking by the end of it. so what's my point? contrary to what I thought before, playing the drums is not easy. and trying to make a beat that suits the song is much harder than i thought.

It's literally the same thing I said above, but i have serious appreciation for jure's (and the rest of the band's) work as I've seen with my eyes exactly how hard it is to make all the parts of a song work together. and the fact that he literally designed half of their studio is so mind-blowing to me. it looks amazing from what I've seen. and he has a degree in film production, right? well that's just more impressive. i know that his character is so sweet, silly and lovable, but we do need to see the other part of him. the part that's so fucking talented that it's making me jealous. anyways hope to see more hidden talents from the world's most beautiful blonde cat (referencing bojan's words lol)

sincerely,

a tired baby boo who is ignoring her responsibilities <3

Remember a Time XI

Series:  (Pt.1), (P.t 2), (P.t 3), (P.t 4), (P.t 5), (P.t 6), (P.t 7), (P.t 8), (P.t 9), (P.t 10) Wanda Maximoff x Fem! Reader, Natasha Romanoff x Fem! Reader ;) (High school Au ) No Powers Word count: 1904 A/n: Things are starting to get serious. I am trusting the process, everything will fall into place, hopefully. I hope you peeps enjoy the story so far I appreciated you all. Some love to the annon that sent me a message. (U know who you are <3)

Your first year of college was rather uneventful. Well that's what you liked to tell people, but in all honesty it was absolutely horrible. You and Natasha had entered this new chapter of your lives together and on the same page. You couldn't help but feel that by the end of the first semester you guys were reading two completely different books. Natasha was a go-getter she was impeccably amazing at everything she decided to put her mind to. She had chosen a very demanding Law major and on top of that she would give her all to train and practice to be the best. You didn't choose the easiest major, but it was lax compared to Natasha's 3 hours worth of reading each night. Business management was something that you felt somewhat passionate about. Your father had a somewhat large company that he built from the ground up. And you were fond of the idea of picking up the mantle when your time came. But you also had fun, a lot of fun. 

Once your mother found out you would be attending UCLA she made sure that you got everything in order to pledge to her old sorority. You'd never been the type to think that you would try out let alone fit in and thoroughly enjoy being a part of. You only pledged to your mothers old sorority and once the fact that you were a legacy came up you were welcomed with relatively open arms. "How's pledge week going, please tell me you're not being hazed by some weak blonde bimbo." Natasha said as you walked into your apartment. "No... I'm being hazed by a hot blond bimbo." You joked, chuckling at Natasha's disgruntled look. "Not cool.." She huffed "People don't do that anymore, but I think that I really like it there." She smiled. "I'm glad that we’re both finding our place." She said walking towards you and engulfing you in a tight hug and giving you a chaste kiss on the lips. 

That would be one of the last moments you had with her that didn't end up with the both of you fighting. You absolutely hated having arguments with her but the universe just seemed to want to pull you apart. Freshman year was a year of discovery, you learn a lot about yourself and your limits unfortunately sometimes you can get caught up in all that freedom to grow and and honestly lack of adult supervision. You'd become an avid party goer and maybe a tad bit of an alcoholic. Natasha was busy most days, her schedule was packed and you couldn't complain all the contrary you admired her dedication. But the lack of seeing each other was creating friction because when she could see and spend time with you, you were at a party or hungover, or busy yourself trying to catch up with school work. "We can't keep going like this Y/n what's happening to us?" Your tears were muted, you felt her sadness and yours. This was only going one place and you both knew it. 

Natasha was having a hard time. It took a long while for her to adjust to not being near her family, then it took her even longer to adjust to being with you in this new phase of her life. School was stress inducing to say the least of course she had things under control but that didn't mean she didn't stress all the contrary she only had it under control because she stressed. Soccer was as good as it could get. She only really pushed herself so hard because it relieved some of the stress she was feeling. All of her teammates were likable and trust worthy. There was one teammate in particular though that she could really see as a good friend and that would be Maria Hill, team captain. She had taken Natasha under her wing and taught her the ropes. There was something more there and she could feel it. A small wince or a clench of the jaw every time she mentioned you. There was something there and it was driving Natasha crazy. She'd promised Wanda and herself she wouldn't hurt you, and here she was considering it. 

It always came down to Wanda didn't it.

"I-i Natasha, maybe we should..." Your phone rang in your pocket with the last number you'd think would call you. It was Pietro, you were shocked to say the least. "I think that I should take this..." You motioned to the phone in your hand. Natasha nodded, wiping a tear from her eye too busy trying to compose herself to notice who was calling. "Is this Y/n's number? " The voice on the other end sounded unfamiliar. "Yes, I'm sorry but who is this and why are you calling from my friend's phone?" The person on the other end sighed. "Um, Y/n It's me Vision. Listen, you might want to take a seat or something." Your heart rate picked up and your shoulders tensed. Natasha noticed and she herself began to brace. "Pietro he um, he's been in an accident Y/n." Your heart ached, your hand moved to your chest, tears immediately welling in your eyes. "It's not looking good." His voice was heavy with sorrow. "She told me to call you..." Your heart broke at that, Wanda. "I'll get the next flight out, I'll be there as soon as I can. Please keep me updated." You urged. "I will just please come."   

The line dropped and your eyes finally met Natasha's. "Pietro's had a- He's been in an accident." You barely managed to get out. Natasha tried to step forward with her arms reaching for you. You moved back, your mind still reeling with what was about to come out of your mouth before you answered that phone, and the phone call itself. "I need to call Tony, He'll get me there in no time." Natasha's surprise was thinly veiled. "Y/n you're in the middle of the most important part of the semester, finals are around the corner, you can't just up and leave." Your eyes pierced hers. "I can, and I will. My friend could very well be dead right now." Calling him that felt wrong, he was more than a friend, sure things were rocky after Wanda. But you still cared immensely for him. You left her standing there in the tense silence you'd created. You dialed Tony he answered on the first ring. "Finally, my jet's waiting for you and Nat." You winced at her mention. "Just me, I'll be on the plane within the hour." Natasha drove you to the hangar, the drive was silent. It was uncomfortable, but you appreciated her being somewhat reasonable and not bringing up your conversation right now.

"I'll let you know what happens when I land." You said when you'd finally pulled up to the plane. "I think maybe you shouldn't." She said quietly, her eyes on the ground in front of you. You scoffed out a laugh, wiping the tears in your eyes. You nodded. "Noted, Goodbye" You didn't give her a chance to reply boarding the plane as quickly as possible. That flight was the longest four hours of your life. You weren't mad at Natasha you'd seen this coming just not like this. Never like this. It hurt but It would've hurt more if you'd both waited until it was too late. Tony was there when you landed . He gave you a crushing hug, which you returned. "What happened?" You asked, your voice breaking slightly. "Pietro was hit by a drunk driver on his motorcycle." You winced. "He's still in surgery. They're trying to stop all the internal bleeding." You nodded already trying to steady and strengthen yourself. Either way it was going to be hard. "Wanda, how is she?" In any eventuality it would be a lot to deal with. "No one thought this would happen, you never think something like this is coming." You only nodded. The drive there again was incredibly silent. 

Your eyes searched frantically for her, you definitely looked worse for wear no sleep and a prior maybe relationship break up was definitely taking a toll on you. When your eyes landed on her you knew she needed this... you. She looked pale, her eyes were dull, she was a ghost. You didn't look or feel any better but you knew she definitely was feeling it. Vision saw you first and quickly motioned you into the seat next to her.  He didn't bother stopping you for a greeting, he just let you be. Seating next to her was overwhelming to say the least, she still hadn't knocked out of her mind. Only thing you could think of doing was reaching for her hand. When you finally built the courage to, you reached out for her, her head barely turned to acknowledge you, but when she did it was almost an immediate her reaction. It was like the dam had finally broken and her breathing was erratic and her tears were overflowing. You pulled her up with you and into you. You put as much force as you could into the hug until she calmed down. You were just holding her. "It's not a dream..." She said into your chest. 

Your eyes watered. "It's not, but everything is going to be alright. Pietro is strong, he'll pull through." She nodded. "He has to be okay, You're here. He has to be okay." You could only hold her tighter.

Something had changed when you went back to California. Your apartment felt empty, it didn’t feel the same. It was hard to pinpoint at first but then you noticed it. Her things that were always somehow splayed in your apartment were gone. Even the most mundane things that she’d leave there were gone. Her drawer and closet space were empty. That’s when the dread came back. She'd left… 

Christmas was as bleak as it could be, it felt wrong to feel happy. You kept your word and celebrated with your parents. There wasn’t much to do, you and Tony spent a lot of time together during the month you had off of school. Surprisingly you survived and passed the semester. Things were grim, and Tony respected your space and left it alone as much as he could. Which meant that you third wheeled Tony and Pepper for the better part of a month. You avoided any and all contact with the Romanoff’s and they seemed to understand. Well all but one. “I told you not to fuck up.” You sighed. You were currently trying to open your front door. “I didn’t.” It angered you that she was letting this narrative run. You turned to look at her. “I came back, and she was gone.” You were about to continue when you heard the steps coming up behind Yelena. “I told you not to bother her.” Her voice washed over you like a bucket of cold water. 

Yelena was about to argue with her but quickly shut up when she met Natasha’s gaze. You didn’t bother shifting your gaze from your keys. Instead, you choose to turn and finish opening your door. You could hear Yelena talking from behind you. “You’re just going to let her walk away like that?” You closed the door before Natasha could answer, but you still managed to hear what she said. “Yes…”

Tag-List: @when-wolves-howl, @alyciaddict,​​ @username23345,​ @arixxxxxxxxa, @justyourwritter69, @picnicminded, @swiftdazer, @alphawolfchicago1124,​​ @sojo154, @xxxtwilightaxelxxx, @marvelogic, @wandasmistress, @alwaysgoodnight, @chickenlittlsblog

Ever since I learned Billy had anxiety, a lot of things suddenly made sense to me. I have anxiety that sometimes gets really bad, and contrary to how it's shown on media, it's not just stuttering and being extremely nervous. Sometimes yeah, and sometimes it makes me generally extremely pissed off at everything and easily agitated because my brain's a mess, my heart's pounding, everything is going wrong, everything is too loud, and stop talking to me, please shut up. It's something I'm working on, but I also acknowledge I'm not the nicest person when my anxiety's bad.

When Billy's around constant stressors and now no longer has the coping mechanisms he used to have back in California, and altogether in a very stressful and disorienting situation with new place, new people, and no one really leaving him alone, I can't see him being very nice either. Yeah, that doesn't excuse how he treats people, but I can get it. I'd be a little snippy and irritated too if I'm just trying not to get my ass beat because I know I'm living in a minefield of a house where that'll happen if anything goes wrong, and this kid I've been put in charge of keeps mouthing off and pushing. Hell, I have been in that situation when I was younger and still with my dad, and while I never actually put my hands on her, I did yell and say things I regretted later when I'd calmed down.

My anxiety usually manifests in angry outbursts and sensory overload, so I definitely get that. I think similar to how people react to abuse survivors, they want mentally ill people to be quiet about their suffering. Anxiety is “acceptable” only when it looks a certain way. When Billy is anxious, people think he’s just being an asshole and they don’t even acknowledge that he’s stressed out of his mind.

I so appreciate that Dacre as a mentally ill person has tried to reduce the stigma around anxiety and OCD. Like, no, being highly reactive to stress isn’t good especially if it ends up hurting other people. At the same time, it signifies a need for intervention. People can’t function under constant stress without it fucking up their mind and body. I, too, realized I needed help when I was getting triggered way too easily at work and I needed better coping mechanisms. Every time I respond to stress with anger which is how my anxiety manifests most, I then have to talk myself down or find a safer release for it and that’s just far more realistic than “Billy is just an asshole who doesn’t care how his behavior impacts people.” He’s stressed! Chronic stress is toxic. Anxiety can ruin your life, and every anxious person is deserving of help.

Chat and Update

This one is partial update, and partial chat about something that has been on my mind: the natural deterioration of objects, and what that means for my consumerism habits.

Life Update

I've been working ridiculously hard lately. It's alright, and I'm doing great work. I made huge progress on our IgA1 work, which is enormous because the company has never been able to get IgA1 before me (aka it's been passed through a few people with no progress). I also am working on potential treatments for a type of secondary infection that currently has no treatment, so that could be meaningful.

Basically, challenging, fast paced, high volume work.

Also, since moving labs, I've started burning about 2,500-2,800 calories per day and getting 20-80 elevated heart rate minutes just from... Doing my work. I've lost three pounds in two weeks without, like... Making any changes beyond cutting out sugary drinks, snacks that are not fruit, and just doing my work.

My hands are full right now, and I'm exhausted mentally and physically. I do think I'm in the beginning stages of adapting to the huge increase in physical activity. I hope my body catches up, but like. Hm, I'm torn between appreciating a good job with fair pay and challenging/meaningful work and lamenting how hard I have to work and how tired I am.

Creatively, the create ins at the Camp Digimonth server have been my only creative time, so that's a massive drop off. Right now I am forced to focus on my physical state.

But let's talk about what I'm itching to discuss!!!

Natural Deterioration of Objects and Consumerism

So one of my hobbies is ball jointed dolls. I've been collecting dolls and accessories for them since 2008, so at this point, I have a large collection of both. Recently, I took stock of my collection, and...

I found knit clothes with holes in them, the threads disintegrated. Shoes with peeling leather and plastic. Buttons and applied details that fell off, broken buckles, even a shoe where the heel somehow separated from the sole (?!?!?!).

I take great care of my stuff, and obviously my dolls don't damage their clothes. So, like, wtf? I spoke to a friend about it, and she said that all objects degrade over time... But a lot of objects degrade faster if they are not used, which feels so contrary to what I'd assume. And logically, even if a doll is dressed in clothes and shoes, she isn't "using" them in the sense of... Placing wear and tear on them.

This really made me think about the excess stuff in my house. To be clear, my house isn't cluttered, and I'm generally on top of keeping things organized and displayed nicely. However, my family is huge on gift giving, and on giving me their hand-me-downs. I realized the other day that I had never purchased my own coat and had only purchased a few pairs of shoes in my life, as I keep receiving new and gently used ones.

I went into my closet and cleared everything that I hadn't bought myself, unless I use it routinely, and some of the things I bought ten years ago that, while nice, are no longer used now that I just... Am older and don't have the same tastes. I do what I always do, which is: start by offering certain things to friends and family (based on their tastes, or at least my understanding of them), then separating out what can be sold, then donating the rest to a place that sells all items for $5 and donates work clothes to people who cannot afford them.

I used ebay for the first time, and there is a bit of a learning curve. I thought it was kind of nice to like... Send these things out into the world. I realize I'm romanticizing, but if the items sits in my house, unused, it will quietly deteriorate instead of being enjoyed. So even if I sell something for a low price compared to the new price, I feel happy that the item has moved on.

Anyway, items degrade if we use then, and paradoxically, if we don't. So excess purchases are a bad idea all around, as is holding on to things we don't use (obviously, exceptions for certain things). These days, when I shop, I picture the item quietly degrading and ask myself: do I want to upkeep this? Am I willing to patiently glue or sew this back together? Wipe off the dust? Store it when it's not in use? If so, where? It makes it easier to fight the rampant consumerism that everyone living in a capitalistic country faces.

Except for notebooks. I literally bought one yesterday...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some doll clothes to patch.

I'm angry. Still in pain but, thankfully, things went back to normal with that friend because we treated that like two mature adults and moved on.

My brain is fixated on the "rejection" bit of all that ordeal, because of course it is. Obsessing over rejection and feeling this massive hurt caused by abandonment is kind of my thing, isn't it?

Lately, I have had so many people come forward to me and tell me how much they love me platonically it makes me want to scream.

Don't get me wrong, I truly and dearly appreciate their love - to me, having that means they care about me, it feels akin to familial love, which I'm also thankful for and is something I also seek.

It's just not what I need at the moment.

It's infuriating to me seeing that romantic love is this almost "mythical" phenomenon that, apparently, so few have access to?

I'd almost rather people don't love me at all!

The type of love they can give, and the type of love I need are completely different things.

I don't think it's fair...! And I also understand they don't owe me anything! This is why I respect them and also respect myself: these relationships will not work for me, therefore they will remain superficial. I cannot deepen these connection because my natural course is for platonic feelings to transform into romantic ones, the closer the connection becomes.

It makes sense because romantic love is what I need. And I don't have it. Only from myself towards others.

Platonic love is what I always have at hand.

This deep and painful loneliness cannot be satiated with platonic love - on the contrary, it wounds me! It angers me too, even though I don't want to feel this way.

It hurts me so deeply, so horribly.

Those feelings of worthlessness and unlovability keep on creeping up and I need to keep on telling myself: "this is not it, the problem is not me, I'm lovable and worthy as I am right now."

I have to keep on telling myself that being relegated to a different role, being the object of a different kind of love is not about me, either. And, like I said, I'm thankful I'm loved at all! But because of how painful it feels, I would really prefer nothing, over something like this though.

When I read a little about it, when I read about heartbreak and moving on, it's always spot on. The way rejection can be seen, I mean: you're not a good fit or compatible for each other so it truly is better to not push it, being rejected open doors to new opportunities and new love, maybe there's a lesson to be learned.

I understand this much, at least. Most love I'll find out there will be, indeed, platonic. Most of what I experience regarding dating will be rejections anyway, I'm well aware of all these things.

Maybe this is wrong to think about, maybe this is not a good way to look into these things but I see "romantic love" as something rare and special: it will be hard to find someone, I'll have to go through a lot, a lot of heartbreak until I find someone who will be a good fit for me.

I also need to take into account my own sensibilities, trauma, and how having a disorder that is based entirely on rejection/abandonment plays a part in making already very difficult things even harder.

There's no feasible way I'll ever be able to date "normally."

Because there's no feasible way for me to remove myself from all my issues! They come with me everywhere I go, they are part of me and make me who I am, too, whether I like it or not.

So... I can try to change who I am and try to change how I act, and try to do the right things disregarding disability and what I want; or I can work on improving my life while still being myself, striving to keep a compassionate and gentle mind towards myself and my limitations, respecting what I want to do or not.

I can't make people like me or see me how I see them. What I can do is to improve the parts of myself that bother me, work on my issues and enjoy all the little and big aspects of myself that I love and all the things I think make me lovable and wonderful.

I am wonderful, and special. I don't really care if this turns people off or if they think I'm self-centered with a massive ego - that's a "you" problem, other people's insecurities and lack of self-confidence has nothing to do with me.

I deserve a relationship, I deserve a romantic connection worthy of all this, something that will only make me grow and heal more. I don't need any more things to hurt me or hold me back. That's enough.

Most connection, most relationships, most people - from what I've seen - are not it.

As much as rejection pains me, as much as abandonment weights me down so terribly. The alternative is dysfunctional connections that will wear me down and make me sicker, the alternative is jumping from connection to connection because of how good it makes me feel when things are going well, but nothing really long-lasting... I've had enough of this bullshit for a lifetime.

I really do deserve so much better than what I'm getting.

aap noot mies (3/14)

Notes: In case it wasn’t very clear, the chapter titles are the words that I made from the scramble letters and I even wrote down how many points I got for each word. I really liked this new challenge!

AO3 | S&C

–

YEAR - 7 points

“So, it all started last year. My dad got ill and it looked like he wasn’t going to make it – no worries, he’s fine now. But yeah, it got scary and my dad asked me and my stepmother to go through his belongings and stuff. After my brother died unexpectedly, we know what it’s like to be left behind with nothing arranged.”

That is a lot of information to take in.

Kurt says it with ease, but Blaine can hear a slight tension. It must’ve been really bad and stressful to have his brother die and then have his father almost die.

“While we went through his stuff, we found out we had some long lost family! My dad has two sisters! That is huge!”

“Let me guess, they’re from the Netherlands,” Blaine fills in.

Kurt nods.

“Yeah, there’s a lot of mystery surrounding my dad’s family. I never knew my grandparents either. Anyway, we contacted them and they were happy to hear from us. Turns out they didn’t really know of my dad either.”

Blaine nods in understanding. Contacting long-lost family feels like the dream. He hasn’t heard much from his family after he moved to this planet.

“People in the Netherlands speak English,” Kurt continues, “But, I don’t know, maybe it’s my ambitious side, but I’d love to learn the language. I originally considered asking them to teach me, but I want to surprise them.”

“Are you planning on visiting?” Blaine asks.

Kurt nods eagerly.

“Yes, we’re currently saving up. Hopefully next summer we’ll go there. We haven’t seen them in person yet.”

Blaine files that away for later. This means he’ll have one year to teach Kurt as much as possible. Of course, if Kurt lets him.

It’s a nice reason to learn a language. Yes, sometimes Blaine laments about how his superpower isn’t super useful, but it has also made Blaine appreciate language. Languages are a form of connection. It’s culture: history, art and community in one. Language, in all of its forms, be it written, spoken, signed (or other, Blaine knows that there are some other forms of language on some planets) is shared by everyone in the whole universe.

Sure, Blaine would love to have a superpower that makes it easier to find things he’s lost, but when he hears Kurt talk about how he’s excited about this prospect of connection, Blaine feels incredibly content.

“Sorry, am I boring you?” Kurt asks after a while. He’s realized that Blaine’s in his own world.

“No, of course not! On the contrary, I was thinking about how lovely this plan is.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, absolutely!” Blaine says excitedly, “I’ve heard several reasons why people learn a language and they’re all completely fine-” Well, apart from this one guy who wanted to speak Italian because he dreamt of joining the mafia “-but this one is definitely one of my favourites. It’s driven by love.”

Those are indeed Blaine’s favourites: people learning a language to welcome a new person, people learning a language to talk to their spouse’s family, people learning a language to impress someone they have a crush on.

Blaine just loves love!

contrary to the other anons opinion, i think you should make MORE qaf gifs!!!

but on the real, i’m one of those people who didn’t watch qaf until this year and it’s been such a treat to be able to come to your blog every day and see new qaf content so thank you!

Hey anon!

Aww, thank you I really appreciate you saying that and I'm glad you enjoy the content. It's why I do it, so me and other fans can see it and to spread a tiny bit of escapism happiness 💕

To be honest I wouldn't have even acknowledged that anon because the best way to deal with hate is to straight up block and delete. Don't even give them your energy as the issue is with them and not you. But what triggered me was the blatant entitlement and rudeness that they had a right to tell me what to post on MY blog. As far as I'm aware I do not have a gun to their head or anyone's asking them to follow me if they don't like what I post. I would rather you unfollow and go enjoy the things you want to see, why make yourself upset over something that is so avoidable and trivial in the grand scheme of things.

You are in charge of what you see on here, unfollow, block, filter the tag are all options available to you so the idiocy of going to the blog owner and demanding they tailor their content to suit you is ridiculous.

Plus I came onto tumblr posting qaf and have been doing so for TWO YEARS. My icon is qaf and so is my header and if you ask my mutuals/followers what is Soph known for? they'll say oh she's the one posting qaf! It's not like it's not obvious I post about it. I didn't know my two whole gifsets a day was overkill, and what made me laugh was I do post gifs about other shows, my top posts reflect that and are all non qaf related! My other show interests are on hiatus so I can't exactly magic up content to gif. I make a lot of gifs for fandoms that don't even have active gif makers anymore so yk.

There's enough unkindness in the world as it is, and I use tumblr and gif making as a creative escape as do the majority of content creators on here, whether it's answering asks, writing fic, writing meta, funny posts etc whatever. It's my tiny safe space to be silly and post with and for my followers. I go through enough shit in real life I don't welcome it here.

The major reason why I love posting gifs in general for qaf is because I only discovered the show two years ago and when I came on here there was zero content. So I took it upon myself to learn gif making and I'm 100% self taught, no one has shown me how to do anything I've had to go search it myself. I'm really fucking proud of how far I've come with making them, from my grainy and uncoloured ones which I still smile at because I made them with love to the ones that I create now. It takes literal hours and the process isn't easy. So now to be the one posting stuff for old fans, new fans to discover is me coming tumblr full circle!

There's many gif makers like me that create for "dead fandoms" or forgotten shows, and sometimes it might be that if we didn't post then there would be nothing for people to enjoy like it was for me. I've had people who followed me from day one and my first ever britin gifset who still pop up in my notes now and people who have discovered the show from my gifs, and ones like you who come to the tag and see my unhinged self all over it.

So in conclusion my point is first off think twice before you hit that anon button with hate, because there's a real life person behind that icon who is causing you no harm so have the decency to do the same in return. Imagine someone did become self conscious after getting that ask and stopped posting something they like. Let people enjoy what they want and it's first world problems to be complaining about, I don't take stuff on here seriously when it's fandom stuff but I don't care for nastiness towards anyone.

I wish more people did make qaf gifs so I would have stuff to reblog myself and could take a break lmao it's lonely out here. It doesn't even have to be gifs, it can be meta, mood boards, screenshots, fic anything. So qaf fans get to it pls...

Keep creating what you like, for me it doesn't have to be the best quality gifs or greatest technical gifset. What makes me smile and I love seeing is people post stuff because they wanna have fun, they took the time and effort to create and post because it came from the heart. So fuck anyone else as we're all losers on tumblr together!

When you get this you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)

Whyyy do you do this to me. I don't like talking about me. Let me go be emo in the corner with EmoDrake and cry over not liking ourselves.

Ughhh fineee. I'll try to find 5 things:

I like to think I'm good at my job. Actually I doubt myself often and think I fail often, but the people I work with disagree with my assessment and say the contrary. So I guess I'm good? (I probably need to work on accepting compliments. I'm terrible at that! but I digress)

2. I try my best to always be positive and spread positivity even when it isn't always easy.

3. I appreciate my intelligence and how much I've achieved because of that.

4. I like my curiosity. I love learning how things work and enjoy trying new things.

Why is this so hard?!

5. Fine, one more... I guess I like my eyes? I used to hate them and want something other than plain boring brown eyes. A lot of people around me had blue or green eyes, but I actually have come to like and appreciate them.

Phew! I made it!

Thanks for the positivity and making me think kindly about myself! 💛

Sorry this took 700 years to reply to.

Dearest Autumn🥺 Let me tell you, Jonathan would never judge you for your items in your room. On the contrary, he would love to find out what your interests and hobbies are and learn more about them. His eyes sparkle as he looks around his sweetheart's room, looking at everything with awe and admiration🥰❤️ Jonathan really seems like the type to want to learn new things about his partner and then share it together. He loves you unconditionally and a few things you think he would find odd (which of course is not true) could never change that. You are his everything, his love🥺🥺 I can understand why you feel that way. Oh god, if J actually saw my room he would find so many things of himself and other nerdy things😅 But let me tell you, I think this idea is pretty cute and fitting for both of you. It reminds me a bit of the closet from The Chronicles of Narnia. Maybe you two could visit each other in both universes.

I'm sending you and Jonathan lots of love. I hope you're doing well. I'm thinking of you💜💜

Dear Sue,

Thank you so much for sending in this ask 💕💕 Despite one of the tags on the relevant post, I hadn't really expected anyone to take notice or to actually say/write anything. So when I was doing my routine check of the tag '#jonathan crane' just before going to sleep, I was really surprised to see the notification that someone liked my post and what's more, an ask from you was sitting in my inbox!!!

Oh, by the time I finished reading your ask, the insecurity I felt had dissipated; your words made me feel warm inside and I was smiling from cheek to cheek in the darkness of my room. If truth be told, when I read your words again this morning and just now as I sat down to write a proper response to you, I felt the same warmth inside and I found myself smiling 😊🥰 At this point, I sat back and looked at the items in my room and tried to examine them through Jonathan's perspective, the way you described (such as "his eyes sparkle", "looking at everything with awe and admiration"…etc.), and you know what? I think you might be right, it's possible that he might not doubt me after all. On second thought, you are right, because I experienced no trouble whatsoever when imagining him examining the items in my room the way you outlined. The picture/scene is so clear in my mind, it's literally the clearest visualization I've had in months!!

I think if J actually saw your room, he would probably chuckle (in a good way, like an I-can't-believe-Sue-is-so-adorable chuckle) at the things you consider nerdy and he might feel proud to see so many reminders of himself in your room and at the same time be a little humbled that he should be so dear to you (and to see it in a tangible form).

Indeed, the closet from The Chronicles of Narnia!! "Maybe you two could visit each other in both universes." - hmm yes, I think this sound idea has taken root now and my mind has already started trying to figure out how this might work!! I'm already looking forward to it!!

Thank you so much for sending in this very sweet ask, Sue ❤️❤️ I understand how busy you are so I especially appreciate you taking the time to write to me 🥺💕 I hope you're staying safe and please take good care of yourself. I'm sending much love and hugs (only if you're happy with it) to you 💖💖

Coexist

Yes, please!!!!! 10-21-23

"Race and religion do not separate people; ignorance does." — Matshona Dhliwayo

&

"Diversity doesn't look like anyone. It looks like everyone." — Karen Draper

Once again, it's not an attack on you. . .

We can't just commandeer a comfortable coexistence.

Sometimes, I wish we could.

A lot of different things have been coming up in my life lately about different religious . . .things, from friends, social media, the news, etc.

Maybe it's the time of year, and it's the bringing about signs of change and ushering in the holidays, which, for me, means inclusiveness, not the opposite.

Contrary to popular opinion, I do have faith. It's in us though, in humanity itself. My belief is that inside the hearts of every single human being is the ability to do good and feel love for others.

Call it a learned behavior or skill, if you must, but just like with any other skill, the more you hone it, the sharper it gets.

Do you really need more explanation?

I don't really care who you believe in, or who you give the credit to, so long as you're trying to do good, to be good, and to one another.

Different truths and different perspectives allow for us to arrive to this destination, differently, but we all have the ability.

Not seeing, or living up to, your potential is an ideological statement meant for parents, guardians, and teachers to say to rebellious adolescents at best.

Fear holds the only restrictions placed on actual love, period.

A friend shared this video with me, and asked my thoughts.

Now, I'm sharing it with all of you, along with my thoughts, and will respect any thoughts shared in the comments. Dialogue is the first nontoxic step, right?

Essentially, and I'm kind of paraphrasing here, I told them that,

{ In our history, the coming together and networking of groups that formed in clans, and/or families happened out of necessity for "My need of you" and it was reciprocated.

From this style of relationship, empathy was born.

When we stopped being "roamers" and "nomads" selflessness led to our moral laws as we know them.

There was no one moral law giver.

And, I might add that they constantly change due to cultural and societal ideals and institutions.

Good and bad both (?) do have to exist for us to appreciate one over the other. This is probably a philosophical truth, however without the ability to live with one and not the other, we'll truly never know.

The religious who claim love and peace (and not just christians) have caused and continue to cause more of the human on human evil deeds and killings done than any other group of persons, in the history of . . .ever.

. .

I'll go one further, and if certain groups of people today don't trust and believe the science and history with education basis for this, then let's say we go all the way back to the first human(s) that believed a god instructed then on moral law and they started the institution of following the good vs bad directive, that's still humans, and their belief that started it.

For someone to think good has to be god, or that it started from god floors me.

I wonder how many people would just start acting way worse if all of a sudden they found out there was no god.

. . .

It's worrisome that some people really are only as good as they are, which is probably still short, because they think another being (higher power/supernatural) is demanding it and is going to punish them if they don't. }

Lastly, why can't we enjoy the fact that from our history a type of morality has shown us the way to love and be kind, through strides of great empathy towards our fellow man, no matter where it came from. The important thing is, we have it now.

"'Please respect me, as I respect you.'"

And define respect however you need to, as long as at least partially aligns with the following:

A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something

and/or

Due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.

It all starts with the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

This week, as you move forward, remember that sharing our love and our laughter only goes as far in this world as our ability to share in the love and laughter of others.

Hate and contempt will always block that, if given an opportunity to do so.

Once again, it's not an attack on you. It's an imploration for an understanding of why it's so hard for so many.

We can't just commandeer a comfortable coexistence, as awesome as that sounds.

Now, remember to be kind and share your love and your laughter with the world around you.

Until next week;

"Real diversity and inclusion doesn't mean that we will always agree. It means that even when we disagree, we can still respect each other." — Justin Jones-Fosu

start of aug

i had my 4th therapy session on 7/27 with joel. my initial plan was to pay for two months of therapy which would have been ~$550. however, i didn't find my last therapy session to be so useful and the idea of shelling out another ~$225 for august was bothersome. he really helped me feel more at ease with recent anxieties, but now i feel like i'm just sharing normal "life's annoyances" that can be instead talked out with friends. in my last session, i talked about how living in a studio with matt can be difficult (the extremities of being gone for long hours on the 7 days on, both of us WFH at times, and then being 24/7 together in elbows distance on his 7 days off). he just empathized and said that it's hard. i also mentioned feeling mixed emotions/sad to leave certain friends here when the time does come to move back. he basically responded "just feel sad!". the whole teaching is to not resist my emotions and let them be. i realized in this session that my therapist won't remember details about my life because they have too many clients. instead, i will read the books that he has referenced and recommended.

this past week of matt's off week was generally good. though i do find myself irritable and annoyed because of the lack of alone time/space to ourselves. this is a perpetual issue we'll have, at least until we finally move back to CA. i've still been keeping an eye on one-bedroom apartments that we can move into. yesterday, we checked out 37X and 46J in the same building. 37X was at a really "good" rate of ~$3500. we always assumed that the higher the floor the better, thinking that the views are nicer and it would be quieter. contrary to our assumptions, it was not quiet up there because of the proximity to the giant ACs (?) of the building that would likely be going off 24/7. i also understood the term "down to earth" from this visit. the higher up you are, the more isolating it feels from the world imo. i appreciated our little studio on the 12th floor more after seeing those apartments. i learned that i like being closer to the ground and prefer views of nature (trees, beach, etc) over skylines.

we did a lot of workouts this past week, almost emulating our time at equinox. this included: 3 hot yoga classes, gym session, soulcycle and outdoor cycling. it's always the best feeling to feel so tired from workouts that you knock out really easily.

i officially received an offer for the new job! i signed the contract for 8/20, but they later told me they'll change my start date to 9/1 to avoid any issues with converting from a biweekly to monthly employee. they ended up giving me a 15.5% increase (negotiating got me 0.5% higher lol). i'm pretty happy with this as all staff also got a 4.6% increase this year as well. this basically means i'm up 20% since last year. i feel more adult now that we can technically live (survive) off of my income alone.

we had another double date with S&I for homemade taiwanese beef noodle soup. this was a pretty big success and one of my favorite double dates. the broth was excellent, and thank goodness the beef turned out tender this time. we met up in industry city and introduced them to our favorite coffee shop tadaima. I is a coffee shop owner who is also semi in the restaurant industry approaches things differently than us normal people. it was like a soft opening of our kitchen. i really do enjoy hosting/serving home cooked food; i'm really looking forward to doing more of that when we're back in CA.

on the move back to CA: it seems there is more understanding between matt and i about this issue. it has been a touchy subject since the start of this year. he's barely getting the time to live his life out here now, whereas i've lived it (while he was busy in residency) and i'm ready to move on. we're slowly getting back to be on the same page of agreeing that it's time to move back now. however, there are still no offers. at this point, it seems the job in san bernandino is the best option. we may seriously consider accepting that if they do extend an offer.

legal business: my parents have asked me to seek out a lawyer for some family drama between my cousin and my dad. my cousin may be guilty of slander. i have not yet found one who will accept our case.

Question Dear Father Angelo, I always read your replies on the Dominican Friends website and always find them full of wisdom and charity. I thank you for your precious work. At the moment I do not have any questions for you, I just would like to offer my testimony as a woman, spouse and Christian mother, as I have noticed that there is always a lot of debate on the lawfulness of contraception within marriage  and on natural methods. You always talk comprehensively about all the moral aspects of this matter and several times this has helped me to  understand and appreciate even more the beauty of marital sexuality that is lived according to God’s will. Considering the questions that many readers address you (for example, in the last couple of days, one was about the adoption of natural methods in case of irregular periods and one about the lawfulness of using contraception during breastfeeding), I have the impression that there are many misconceptions and misinformation on natural methods. This is the reason why I am writing to you. I want to confirm that it is possible to live marital sexuality in a Christian way and that natural methods are also a journey of discovery of your own body offering peace and self-mastery. As a woman, I can state that this body and fertility awareness is an amazing gift to yourself and your own husband. Unfortunately, I see many people around struggling to learn several things and develop extensive knowledge in many areas. However, they get discouraged when they are faced with the need to commit themselves to the understanding and study of their own body’s rhythms. For example, having irregular periods does not prevent the adoption of natural methods at all. On the contrary, monitoring periods can be of help to any woman who wants to understand whether there are hormonal problems causing irregularities and solve them (even just through simple precautions on diet and lifestyle). Other times learning natural methods help understand that what may seem an irregular period is not actually so, as there are “phases” of it that regularly re-appear every month. Moreover, menstrual cycles change throughout life: after the first pregnancy and once the suckling period is over, a lot of women discover a new regularity. Another thing I would like to witness is that it is possible to adopt natural methods during breastfeeding too.  Besides, natural breastfeeding (meaning to feed every time the baby asks for it, without alternating baby bottle and mother’s milk) usually delays the return of female fertility. According to the marvellous Creator’s plan, when the mother’s body is devoted to nurturing a newborn baby, another pregnancy is naturally postponed, so as to allow her to devote all her energies to breastfeeding. However, if the cycles reappear (this happened to me with my last daughter, as she used to sleep a lot at night and I had long intervals between feedings), it is always possible to adopt natural methods, as long as you do it with greater care though; for example, it can happen that you have to abstain during two periods in a month instead of one because signs of ovulation seem to repeat themselves. All this is normal and, if you experience it serenely, it can just increase love between spouses and their awareness of the miracle of their motherhood and fatherhood. This “exercise” also helps to get ready for harder times, when you may have to abstain for longer periods (we took the decision to abstain for several months after the birth of our first daughter, due to health reasons and complications arising after delivery). The joy that you experience while living your marriage according to the Creator’s will is so big that human hardship during periods of abstinence is really a small thing. This is not only my thought, it is indeed also shared by my husband and other married couples that I know, who decided to live their marriage in this way. Besides, I would like to

tell women that the understanding and the deep acceptance of their own fertility can also help them to know themselves better psychologically and live with much bigger joy and awareness the marvellous experiences of pregnancy and delivery, which are not illnesses but rather a beautiful and essential part of our femininity. Father, I do not know whether you find this witness useful. However, I urge you to continue your work in spreading the truth. Unfortunately – and I do not mean to judge - I realise with sadness that the pastors of the Church do not properly insist on this matter, probably because they think to impose upon couples too big of a yoke. Actually, it is not like that: living marriage in this way is a light yoke and it  helps Christian married couples to mature in faith and encourages them to get informed, to understand and to apply all their intelligence to the discernment of truth. My husband and I have never used birth-control measures and natural methods have always been effective also in times when ,through prayer, we decided to wait a little before having another child. I hope my witness can be helpful to somebody, I also hope I did not bother you with this long letter. You may take it as a further acknowledgement and thanksgiving.  Greetings, Alessandra  Priest’s Answer Dear Alessandra, 1. I warmly thank you for what you have decided to share with me and all our visitors. The serenity that transpires from your words is an outward sign of the inner mastery and maturity you have acquired in your life. This is probably a gift you inherited from your parents. Maybe it is the fruit of God’s grace and a life of prayer but, undoubtedly, it is also a reflection of conjugal intimity, which is lived according to God’s will. 2. I would particularly thank you for highlighting the fact that sometimes cycle irregularities can be an indication of other dysfunctions that require some adjustments in some areas that are not secondary at all, such as diet or certain lifestyles. So you never cease to be surprised about the admirable wisdom of the Divine Law, therefore with the psalmist we also say: “I have seen a limit to all perfection; your commandment is exceedingly broad” (Psalm 119: 96). It is only in our best interest to remain allied to the Divine Wisdom. The only thing we have to distrust is not the Divine Law. It is rather exclusively our judgement or knowledge, which are inevitably marked by limitations. 3. You write: “The joy that you experience while living your marriage according to the Creator’s will is so big that human hardship during periods of abstinence is really a small thing”. The labour you talk about is the most beautiful labour, as it is the labour of virtue, which requires continuous self-transcendence, self-elevation and spirit of sacrifice. This labour always pays off, here as in any other area of life. 4. It is above all a joy arising from being preserved in grace, and thus from being able to keep rejoicing in the personal presence of God inside our heart, that is the ultimate goal of every human aspirations. Without this presence, our heart would always remain unsatisfied and feel poor, or rather, extremely poor. I sincerely thank you again. I remind you as well as your family to the Lord and bless you. Father Angelo

The reason why I dont write as much as happy thoughts on here is because i always end up cringing whenever I say something nice about someone, but tonight i'm feeling extra happy.

If you are really focused on a bigger goal and when you just prioritize your well-being and not satisfying temporary distractions, life becomes so much easier and you save yourself a lot of time from unecessary drama or all those little things that don't really matter. Thats why its just so important to feel secure and happy with yourself before trying to share happiness with others. When something is lacking with you and instead of addressing those issues you direct the problem on something else, you're always going to end up ruining good things just by your presence. Its important to be aware when this happens. And its also important to really learn from your experiences. In life, were always going to make mistakes and carry our failures but when things has become a pattern, when we keep being stuck in the same situation again, maybe its time to have a deep conversation with yourself and introspect.

Another thing i am grateful about is, tay. I have to be completely honest. Sometimes, I don't really feel like he understands me. Were always in completely different position but surprisingly, it's never felt toxic or frustrating. I think its mainly because we have the same communication style, so there is no need to always clarify ones intention or what being said. Honestly, I feel like he's kinda biased and projecting his problems on me sometimes, but also its clear that he cares about me and is doing what he can to make my life easier. For me, thats what counts the most. Contrary to the popular belief, I'm not really someone who complains about everything just because i'm not satisfied and I can't ever imagine myself getting upset at someone who does things out of good intentions, even though lets say they keep messing up. I'm actually a very understanding person despite my standards. And before I do more ego stroking lets go back to Tayke. I've always got something new to learn from him, perspectives that I've never seen before. Meanwhile.. i dont even know if he can say the same thing about me. i feel like the things he learned from me were always degenerate stuff 🤣 But atleast i dont really feel like i have to try to be anything but just myself. He's really sweet to me, likes hugs on top of our deep conversations and he makes me really happy, without even trying 🥲 Lately, I have been feeling confident about how I live my life integrating my values in it, and i think one of the reasons is because of his influence. I am feeling like everyday i am becoming a better person than i was yesterday and its just nice to be in this state of peace. It makes me happy to become the person that I've always wanted to be, its the things I liked about him and what i've always thought i was lacking. Of course even without a person I am working towards myself, i'm not being reliant on him or anything. It's more like I'm just appreciating what value he brings to my life, because its something I always ask myself when it comes to my relationships with people.

I've learned recently that beating the person you were yesterday is not about how much productive things you're doing or what you have been preparing for the future. Its more about reaching a state of mind where you are at peace, content and not worrying about anything in your present moment. Only then you'd be truely good person to be around as well, and of course achieving peace of mind isnt as easy as just calming yourself down or some hippie bullshit. You acually have to develop a solid morale and good values, which can take years or a lifetime for some people. I dont really know where i'm at but all i know is, i'm only surrounding myself with people who have positive influence on me and brings value to my life. And realizing that made me extra happy tonight and feeling more excited for my big day ❣️

Not the first, nor the last

Society expects teachers to be outgoing, crowd and attention lover, entertainer and fun to which I almost failed in most qualities. I am contrary of what they expect us to be. Eversince, I modify myself as ambivert ( 75 percent introvert, 25 percent extro) and socially selective. Too much attention drains me.

Yet yesterday, as I wear this fancy pair of earrings, hair extension, falls eyelashes and heavy make up, I felt as if I should strip myself away from the person I am in that very hour. Well, I tried. Lol

Oh wait, before accepting that challenging role, I even thought of offering a certain amount of money to donate in exchange of my role. That is how desperate I was, that is how I hate to be in my position because never have I dreamnt myself to be a candidate of either big or mini pageants. Eventually, I accept the most challenging role I've ever gotten this year---

And there are 3 things that I have learned during this event.

One,

In my career path, expect the unexpected. You need to be flexible and adaptive for you will encounter new things. Challenging but it will definitely shape you. Your choice, the best or might be the downgraded version of yourself. Hopefully not the latter one.

Two,

See things half full. I set my mind to the brighter side instead. First, I am done representing the school. Second, I have made new friends (the Marites). Third, I have quite fixed my posture and lastly, the experience alone is such an adventure.

And last but definitely not the least,

I have overcome my fear. Fear of talking and performing in front of the crowd. In fact, I did like the attention lol.

Those three things are worth cherishing 💞

I am ever so thankful for the support. I felt like I already won. The cheers and screams at the top of their lungs have built the confidence I have shown during the event.

Those who knew me definitely know how hard my job was. Lol it was never easy, hands down to all pageanteras out there! You guys are sooo amazing!

Thank you, Lord.

I told myself before the event, "Lord, kahit di po manalo basta maitawid lang po nang maayos"

And sp he gave it. Thank you po talagaaaa!!!

Thank you also to my head and principal for the trust. I didnt bag any prizes but their appreciation and trust mean a lot.

To myself, I am proud of you. It wasnt the first time you overcome your fear and it would not be the last time, but there is always SOMEONE above there who will guide you and be with you durong your difficult times. He loves you.

Some times ago, I saw a post about Dick not knowing about his romani heritage, and it’s the most romani thing I’ve read. It makes me feel emotional. 😔

Just for you know, there’s a lot of romani folks who start working at a very young age to help their family. In France, all children are obligated to follow a scholar cursus, so it leads to a lot of home schooling. More often than not, the kids fall behind because their environment isn’t accommodated for school, and the kid see it as a shore they are happy to drop to do anything else.

But for those who go to school, they are either always changing school, which make it difficult for them to follow because of how two establishments are not at the same chapters in their study, or they are grounded and go to school « normally ». In the past, it wasn’t uncommon for romani people not going to school at all. I have cousin who never learned how to read, for example.

But here’s the thing. In school, you’re supposed to learn about your country’s history. It’s supposed to make you patriotic. But for people like me and Dick ? School don’t teach us our history at all. Even when it comes to talk about world war II, when we were persecuted and sent god knows where even before the nazi occupation, we’re barely mentioned.

Our history taught us we weren’t loved by others. We were thrown around, going from country to country to escape new oppressors. It led us to be really vulnerable, and for a long time, we were enslaved. It was still true during the 1800’s, and people kept trying to ground us, make us lose our ways of life and our language. But their hatred for us kept throwing us back on the road. You know all the stuff that happens to black people ? That happened to us, too. In Europe, there was laws about kidnapping our children to send them to new household so we would disappear, and it was after world war II, and ended in 1975. The only things we got after being freed from the camp were an apology later, which came late because no one wanted to recognize our genocide.

Dick doesn’t know any of that, but he’s been victim of the same discrimination our people have been through for centuries. He doesn’t know his own culture because no one taught him, and it’s difficult to learn about it by ourselves. I’m not sure he even cares, which, again, that’s something he was taught. We’re taught to hate ourselves because everyone else does. People always wanted us to disappear.

In another world, Dick could have learned about it from pre-crisis Jason. It was a story about the legacy of romani people. But in the current continuity, it’s Damian who could tell him about it. Because his grand-father was himself a nomad, and contrary to the current school system, the heir of the demon was taught his history properly.

There should be more stories about Dick helping people who face discrimination, because his people were born because of it and still thrive despite of it.

There’s a lot to talk about, because we’ve been victims of all kind of discrimination if not all of them, and I feel like a lot of people could connect with it.

I would really appreciate if you let me think what you think about it, because it’s something really personate I wanted to share through Dick.