#not writing a word of most of it because it is entirely made up of the angstiest/hurtcomfortest possible scenarios x100
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Wide Awake
Lewis Hamilton x Fem!Wolff!Reader
Warnings: Cursing, Self-Doubt, age-gap (reader is 22), slight smut (just fingering) , oh and slight orgasm denial.
(SOFIA IS A RANDOM GIRL I MADE UP!)
A/N: This was supposed to just be a one off thing but I kept writing and writing and I'm 99% sure that no one wants to read a 25k worded chapter only for it to BARELY get to the whole point/plot of the fic. so there's going to be another chapter (3 at max)
(Also I promise Too Good To Say Goodbye 7 is coming but I was hyper fixated on trying to finish this which isn't happening ) 🫶🏽😊
Follow my instagram account (THATS STRICTLY FOR THIS BLOG) for updates on when i post and fun stuff like that!
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My dad’s always warned me about getting involved with the drivers. He told me that they’re all too young, naive and that all they’ll be good for is breaking my heart. For the longest time, I believed him. I’ve seen the way some of these young drivers were with girls.
Max cheating on Sofia with Kelly, Lando talking to 3 girls at once and George, well George hasn’t done anything. Point is, I’ve seen how they are and I don’t want to get with one of the young drivers only to have my heart ripped out. AGAIN.
I secretly dated one of the hottest drivers, Charles Leclerc for about 2 months. All was going well we were happy, we had secret dates and maybe I thought he was the one.
That was until one day In Monaco when I showed up to the paddock for Free Practice 1 & 2 I saw him hand-in-hand with Alexandra Saint Mleux. When I saw them together and I realized everything she had that I didn’t. She was at taller than me, skinnier, gorgeous, had flawless skin and had a modeling career. In other words, she was a goddess.
Seeing them together broke my heart and all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and sob, but I couldn’t. My dad warned me about the young drivers but I still went behind his back and did the exact opposite of what he told me not to do. I deserved this.
I had made a beeline for the Mercedes garage just to get out of the public eye but I was so focused on getting as far away from Charles and Alexandra as possible that I hadn’t noticed I was running straight into someone.
I hit this person's body with such force I almost went flying back and I reached my hands out in front of me to try and grab anything for stability and at the same time I felt two hands on either sides of my waist trying to balance me.
I was feeling so many different emotions right now I couldn't even think straight, clearly. I was so angry at Charles for cheating on me even if weren’t technically even dating, sadness because I actually thought Charles was actually capable of loving me, and full fledged embarrassment because I just ran full on into someone thinking about how Charles just ruined my life. And my makeup.
I looked up to face the person I just ran into and tried to profusely apologize for my actions, but when I looked up tho I was met with the most gorgeous brown eyes I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I wanted to stare into his eyes forever but in the half a second it took me to look up I also realized who it was that I ran into.
The 7x WDC Lewis Hamilton.
Even more embarrassment coated my face as I realized that not only did I just bump into someone while trying so hard not to have a mental breakdown but I ran into the Lewis Hamilton, my dad's best and most loved driver. “Oh my gosh Lewis, I’m so sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was going and I really didn’t mean to run into you. Please don’t tell my dad” Honestly, it sounded pathetic. ‘Don’t tell my dad’? what are you, 12?
I stared at him in silence for about all of 2 seconds which felt like an eternity until I saw his lips curled up into a smile and heard a small chuckle come from him. “I won’t tell your dad, cross my heart” Lewis said while making an ‘X’ motion over his chest “Who are you running from? I feel like maybe I'm obligated to know since you ran right into me trying to avoid them?”
My face fell in shock. How did he know I was trying to avoid someone? I mean it wasn't rocket science, if I saw a random girl running to an isolated area with tears streaming down her face, I too am going to assume she's avoiding someone. “I- Uh, Well. See”
“It’s okay, Y/N/N, I’m not going to tell anyone. You also don’t have to tell me if you don't want to but I’m willing to help you avoid them if you do.” Lewis said as he placed a hand on my cheek.
I’ve always found comfort in Lewis’ touch. Actually, I’ve always felt comfort whenever I was in the same room as Lewis. Something about his Aura screamed ‘You’re safe with me’
As much as I wanted to, I knew there was no point in lying because one thing about Lewis is that could read people like a book. Including me. With a long, loud and dramatic dragged out sigh I reluctantly told him the truth.
“I was seeing Charles behind my father’s back for about 2 months, everything was going well and I actually kinda thought he was my person but I just now saw him hand-in-hand and all cuddly with Alexandra.” Tears sprung in my eyes and threatened to fall as I recounted what I saw a few minutes prior to Lewis.
He had a sympathetic look in his face and I could tell he genuinely felt bad for me. The hand Lewis once briefly had on my face had moved down to grab my hand before he whispered, "How about this: Tomorrow we wear almost matching outfits and we come back here also hand-in-hand. We'd be together all day and we'll be cuddly too. You know, just to make Charles jealous and regret cheating on you."
Lewis was always putting people's well-being ahead of his and it made a shy smile creep onto my face. As much as I want to, maybe I shouldn't read too much into this though, he's probably just being nice to me to stay in my father's good graces.
"Lewis," I whispered as I placed my hand on his cheek "You don't have to be nice to me because I'm your boss's daughter"
he looked a bit hurt by my accusations. "Is that why you think I'm doing this?" his hand squeezed mine a little tighter.
"Why else would you, Lewis?" his hands came up to cup my face forcing me to look at him.
"Because Y/N/N, I-" he paused, almost like he was trying to find the right words to use. "I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. I've seen you sneaking around with Charles and it took so much in me not to go over there and tear you away from him, to show him that you're mine. I know I'm older than you but I'm wiser and I'll treat you better than he can." My jaw dropped, there's no way that Lewis Hamilton, a 7x WDC is head over heels in love with me, right?
"Lew, I-" a voice interrupted me, turning my body into stone and my blood into ice.
"Y/N!" I knew that voice anywhere and if he saw the moment that me and Lewis just shared, we were both dead.
"Dad! Hi!" I tried to sound enthusiastic but I was so flushed from Lewis' confession.
"My baby," His hands cupped my face inspecting the red all over "Are you okay?"
"Oh yeah, I'm fine, I'm just hot. You know how the sun is in Monaco." I said with a shrug, trying to change the subject
"Oh you have to go in the AC! Lewis," my dad turned to face Lewis who was already facing in our direction
"Yes, Toto?" he said as he cocked his brow.
"I need you to take my darling girl inside. She has a condition where she can't sweat which causes her to overheat and pass out. I am too busy with this race and getting everything perfect to be worrying about my daughter having a heat stroke."
"Oh, jeez, thanks dad. Just send Lewis to do everything for you" I said in a playful tone
"Of course Toto, I'll take her in right now." Lewis said as he walked over to me and linked his arms with mine.
Lewis started guiding me through the garage and to his driver's room where he opened the door and gestured me in. Once inside he closed the door before facing me with unsure eyes.
"What's wrong Lew?" I said as I cautiously walked over to him.
"What were you going to say before Toto cut you off?" his voice so low, I almost didn't hear what he said.
"I was going to say," I stopped right in front of him, our chests were touching. We were so close I could feel his breath against my skin. "I think that you have to prove what you said about treating me better than how Charles did."
Lewis grabbed my face and pulled me into a searing kiss, our tongues fought for dominance but his won. Lewis picked me up and sat on his couch with me on his lap so I was straddling him all without breaking the kiss.
His hands found their rightful place on my hips and applied pressure forcing my hips down as I rocked my hips to apply more force against his hardening cock.
"Mmm, you taste so good. I can only imagine how much better you taste when I'm eating your pussy." Lewis mumbled against my lips as his hands went just a little bit lower to stop at the elastic of my leggings. I guided Lewis' hands under the fabric to release some of the tension building in my core.
He understood what I needed and quickly started to run his middle finger up and down my fold, collecting all my juices before inserting it in my pussy. Lewis slowly moved his finger in and out of my hole while using his thumb to rub circles on my clit. His movements were slow and sensual bringing me closer and closer to my orgasm. I started rocking my hips into his palm to add more friction to my core and to chase my orgasm which I really needed right now. I was just about to go over the edge until a knock at the door quickly halted both of our movements and caused Lewis to yank his hand out of me leaving me without finishing.
"Mate, FP2 starts in 15. They need us by our cars now" The voice of George could be heard from he other side of the door.
“Oh fuck me” I grunted as I pulled myself off of Lewis’ lap
“Trust me, I was planning on it” He said with a smirk on his face as his hand came to rest on my ass before giving it a smack.
Lewis poked his head out of the door to make sure no one would see us leave, after the all clear we quickly rushed out of his room, both of us going in opposite directions as to not get caught.
————
The next day I heard a knock at my hotel door at the early hours of 6:00am. With a grunt I pulled myself out of the comfort of my warm and cozy bed and made my way to the door. Whoever was interrupting my beauty sleep was going to get a mouthful, I’ll tell you that.
“Do you know what time it is?!” I whisper yelled as I opened the door, not even bothering to look through the peephole to see who I would be yelling at. And boy do I really wish I did look because I was met with the tall, beautiful, muscular frame of Lewis Hamilton.
“Woah honey, I told you we were going to the paddock together. We need matching outfits” Lewis said while looking at me up and down "Do you by any chance have a matching Tommy Hilfiger set?"
"No?" I said, a little nervous
"Perfect, I bought you one that matches mine so put this on" Lewis said as he handed me a bag of 4 different sets.
"Lewis, there's four sets in here. Which am I wearing?" I said I let him in my room and watched as he took a seat on my bed right were I was once peacefully sleeping.
"Wear whichever one you want and I'll match it. I didn't know which of those four you'd like so I bought them all." My heart fluttered a bit at his confession.
--------
When Lewis and I pulled up to the race and got out of the car, we walked to the entrance hand-in-hand.
Charles and Alexandra were the first people to spot us and I took notice on how Charles dropped Alexandra's hand. When I saw that I squeezed Lewis' hand and leaned into him to tell him
"Lew, it's working. He dropped Alexandra's hand" I said with a smirk on my face.
"Wanna give them a show?" I cocked my brow at what he was suggesting but reluctantly nodded my head.
Without thinking twice, Lewis pulled me into a kiss, his hand finding their place to rest on my ass while mine traveled to the back of his neck to pull him deeper into the kiss.
I heard a strings of words which I'm assuming were curse words before I heard faint shuffles of feet echoing away from where me and Lewis were stood. Faint footsteps weren't the only thing we heard because next thing you know we heard clicks of camera shutters.
I pulled away from him with a horrified look on my face.
"Lewis! My dad might see those!" I don't think I was ever more scared in my life than I was in that moment. My dad can't know that I'm sneaking behind his back with Lewis. Well technically this is the second day of this 'sneaking around' but still, he doesn't know."
"Do you want to be with me Y/N/N?" He said dead serious while interlocking our hands
"Yes"
"So you shouldn't care about the pictures and your dad's opinion. Not everyone is going to accept our relationship but that doesn't matter because this relationship is between us. Not them"
"I need FP3 and Qualifying to end ASAP because I so badly want to suck your cock."
“I’m holding you to that” Lewis said as he swatted my ass. Surely the press people got photos of that and when those get out. I’m gonna have a fun conversation with my dad
It took us about 15 minutes to get the Mercedes Hospitality area because of all the fans asking for pictures, Press asking questions and other drivers asking what Lewis thinks he’s doing going out with me.
I almost took offense to that but quickly realized that they didn’t mean it in a rude way but more as a ‘you better be careful because if you break her heart, Toto will never resign you to Mercedes’ type of way.
When we entered, we were met with the angry eyes of my father.
“Lewis.” He said stern, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose “what are you doing with my daughter?!”
“Sir,” Lewis started but my dad cut him off
“Y/N/N, I told you not to go off with the drivers!” His voice raised, not too loud to be classified as yelling but a couple octaves louder than how it was before
“Actually, you said no messing around with the younger drivers. Lewis is older and more wise” I said as I grasped Lewis’ hand tighter.
“What are your intentions with my daughter?”
“Well sir, I intend to give your daughter the best life I can give her, I want to take her everywhere with me, I want to spoil her, I want to have her move in with me, I want to be her husband and I want her to be the mother of my kids.” Lewis squeezed my hand as he said that last sentence.
I never thought about being a mother, I never felt like it was an obligation of mine. I never thought that I wanted kids but hearing Lewis admit to my dad that he wanted me to be the mother of his kids sparked something in me. Lewis made me realize that deep down, I longed to be a mom and now I wasn’t going to be happy if I wasn’t.
“I will kill you if you break her heart.” My dad stated as he stared in Lewis’ eyes as if to try and intimidate him.
—————
It's not the best but I promise the plot is to die for!
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Happy birthday, darling @wolfpants! I’m bringing you a banner with Draco on it since you share a birthday with him, what a fun coincidence!
When deciding how to celebrate you and your writing, I knew I wanted to do an author’s reclist but wasn’t entirely sure how to go about it because every single fic in your catalogue is worth a rec of its own. So I took inspiration from an ask game - a list of categories I could fill with my rambling.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday full of nice things! ILY! 🤍
🤍 A fic I want to read again for the first time: Under Giant Mountains (Drarry, E, 34k)
I thought about it for a long time because I would give anything to experience all of them for the first time again but eventually, I landed on Under Giant Mountains. It feels a bit sacred to me and I think it’s because I relate to this Harry a lot; because it’s a gentle story about healing; because it made me cry but in that really good, cathartic way. I think it will do the same regardless of how many times I read it.
🤍 A fic I reread the most times: Pages of You (Drarry, E, 102k)
According to AO3 the fic I have visited the most is Pages of You, which is no surprise. Do I share how many times I clicked on that fic? Is it embarrassing? Probably. Oh well, here it is:
Look, it’s my comfort fic, okay? What can I say - an 80s coming-of-age story? Sign me the hell up. In all honesty, I don’t really have words to describe how this fic makes me feel - it’s like a safety net for my inner child maybe, or something similarly, horribly cheesy. It’s a book I want to own, have on my bookshelf, and return to it over and over again. Maybe one day it will be.
🤍 A fic that made me (re)consider a ship: Spellbound (Draco/Albus, E, 2k)
So here is the thing - I’m pretty faithful to my favourite ships and don’t often read outside of them, except when it’s a rarepair that catches my eye and then I’m happy to be persuaded. And Wolf is brilliant at that, honestly, they could talk me into anything. And so even when it comes to a ship I didn’t know I needed, like Draco/Albus for instance, I just know that in their hands, it’s gonna be layered and thought-provoking and just so, so delicious. Here is the proof: Spellbound, a Dead Dove fic that is just the perfect flavour of dirtyhotwrong. Yum.
🤍 A favourite rarepair fic: Galvanize (Scorpius/Ron, M, 1k)
Speaking of rarepairs. Wolf has a whole collection of kinkuary fics, which is a rarepair heaven, go forth and pick your poison. I’m gonna go with Galvanize, in support of Hot Ron Agenda ™. It’s an M-rated Scorpius/Ron fic and the dynamic here is unmatched - so innocent and yet. Gah!
🤍 A line from a fic that’s haunted me: Waiting for the Moon to Rise (Drarry with a hint of Bill, E, 9k)
This is hard because I can think of many (see QQR) but if I had to choose just one, it would have to be this masterpiece:
—his voice had been thick, Draco remembers that, because he’d been eating an apple stolen from the kitchens on their way outside. He kept trying to get Draco to eat it too, playfully pressing the bitten edges to his mouth, damp like a kiss, until Draco had pushed him off him with a laugh— “stop that, Potter, or I’ll shove it someplace where it’ll hurt ”—and all the while, his lips had tingled with sweetness, a phantom caress he would take to his bed later that night and think about with his hands while the rest of the Eighth Year boys would sleep and snore, none the wiser—
Which is of course from Waiting for the Moon to Rise, featuring an intimate friendship, lots of UST and Bill the matchmaker 😏
🤍 A fic that ripped my heart out (but it hurt so good): The Hollow (Remus/Draco, E, 12.5k)
Oh boy. We’ve all read The Hollow, right? Right. It’s one of those fics I think about so often it can’t be healthy and yet I can’t go anywhere near it again because I don’t think I would survive a second read. It’s so, so, so good. It’s so painful. It’s everything I want from the pairing. I never want to see it again. It carved itself into my heart and will stay there forever.
🤍 A fic that made me laugh: Romp and Circumstance (Drarry, E, 33k)
So. Many. Wolf’s banter in fics is unmatched but for the sake of this game I have to say one, so I’ll go with Romp and Circumstance - and as much as this fic is hilarious, it’s also so full of love and longing and romance. It’s so vibrant! A perfectly executed AU with characterizations that are just chef’s kiss!
🤍 A song I now associate with a fic: Everybody Hates a Tourist (Drarry, E, 52k)
I will always associate Common People by Pulp with Everybody Hates a Tourist. I remember sitting in a beach cafe last year and the song started playing and immediately transferred me into the holiday vibes of the fic. I’m obsessed with both Harry and Draco in this story: with who they are, separately, and eventually together. Their characters are written so brilliantly here; they’re both given space to grow into themselves, into what they want out of life and their getting together feels like the most natural thing in the world.
🤍 A fic that’s between me and my AO3 history: Seat You Higher than the Stars (Ron/Harry, E, 1,8k)
Ha! I have no secrets or shame. Nothing is just between me and AO3, I’m an open book and will shout about it, and especially about this fic I thought was fitting (pun intended) for this category - just look at the tags: emotional vulnerability and fisting (elmo fire emoji). This is Seat you Higher than the Stars, a Ronarry fic that has got to be one of my favourite things ever written. It’s so tender and beautiful!
🤍 A fic that feels like a warm blanket: Thickets (Drarry, E, 17k)
That is *exactly* how reading Thickets feels. Oh, this fic. So gentle and mature, full of soft, quiet pining and second chances. It’s so atmospheric and nostalgic. Layered with complicated grief and vowed with humor and warmth, this fic is simply stunning. It’s a getting back together story that feels like a deep exhale. It’s melancholic and hopeful and it has one of my favourite characters of all time - a portrait of Young Draco to perfectly illustrate just how far current Draco has come.
🤍 A fic I want to be made into a film: Led by Light of a Star Sweetly Gleaming (Sirius/Remus, E, 53k)
My Wolfstar-loving heart could not forget this story - in a way a prequel to Pages of You but also a standalone fic set in the '60s. Wolf’s worldbuilding and attention to detail really shine here - it would make such a stunning film! But it’s not just that, it’s the characters, too, where the magic lies: completely in awe of each other and unbearably lovely. “You’ve no idea how much I want to worship you.” will be forever my favourite thing Sirius has ever said.
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cry me a river [h.hj x reader]
trope: enemies to lovers, uni au
word count: 13.6k
warnings: not much, arguing and bickering obvi, like one badly written breakdown, mentions of abuse but no serious descriptions, a little ateez slander i'm sorry someone had to be villain, that's it i think, lmk if i missed something
Some say a child’s mind is like a blank book, and what's written in it has lasting impact, but you'd say it's more like wet clay, writing on paper can be erased, or cut down, or covered, but what about fingerprints on clay, what about the shapes it was twisted into? those cannot be undone, not without breaking.
And you're a living example.
You were the 12 year old who was told love was something you'd have to earn. You were once the 12 year old crying when your father burst out telling you ‘second is just the first loser', you were the 12 year old shaking, lest the test paper with an 82 on it warrant physical pain.
You were the 13 year old who spent their birthday evaluating what made up a human's worth. Kindness, faith, and community were things that your mother would have said, but certificates, achievements and excellence would be your dad's answer. And for the next 8 years, it'd be yours too.
Young minds are beautiful places, but they trust to a fault, taking whatever is presented to them as absolute truth, often hurting themselves to a point where they find themselves unable to trust when older. And yet, painfully unable to shake the beliefs embedded in their psyche.
Your father isn't in your immediate vicinity to remind you that you're not lovable if you don't have something to offer and he'd be surprised if someone ever loved you for who you are. But his voice still lives in the back of your head, it's enough reminder of your uselessness without Hyunjin exiting.
Hwang Hyunjin, how you hate his guts and how your father would have loved him. All things good: funny, smart, popular, skilled, but most of all, the best at everything.
Always first, always a step ahead of you, prettier than you, smarter than you, more friendly than you.
More than you.
Being the best comes easy to him, hell, everything comes easy to him. Especially making you feel small. He sucks the oxygen out of any place you are in.
It seems like his only purpose in the universe is causing you problems, putting you down, destroying your self esteem, getting into the most sensitive corners of your mind and evoking intense emotions that you didn't even know you were capable of feeling.
He brings out the worst of you, makes your insecurities pop out like bright red on a white canvas.
Maybe it's you who's fragile. But not being affected is difficult when most of his attacks seem to mirror your father's statements.
You don't like Hwang Hyunjin. You know it, Felix knows it, Minho knows it, Hyunjin knows it, the entire campus knows it.
You don't remember when exactly Hyunjin got to this point, but it didn't start like this.
It seems like forever but it's been just about a year since you met him at that party. It's no question that he's good looking, but he had an allure to him that day. Though he was reserved at first, you both soon began to get along and your friendship began to turn into a playful rivalry.
The light hearted competition in everything was welcome at first, but there came a point where it wasn't light hearted anymore. And maybe one of you unknowingly crossed a line or two, but you were hurling sharp insults at the other in only a couple of months of meeting.
You were enemies before you were really friends.
But you blame him for that. You weren't at fault when you recieved your first semester grades and first thing he said was “Seems like second is what you'll always be.”
You weren't over reacting that day when he suggested getting drunk at a party was your only chance of getting laid because “Your personality will distract any sober person from your looks, no one would stay with you long enough to reach that level of trust.”
You weren't overreacting when you'd grabbed him by the collar and told him “Talk to me about trust when someone shows interest in something other than your reputation or face. Talk to me about human connection when you know what it fucking feels like.”
That was probably the harshest thing you'd said to him, and you knew that, because this was his fragile point. He brought it upon himself though. He wasn't seen around for a week after that. But then he was back, the same, with remarks on everything about you, not always prime hurtful, but always unwelcome. There was nothing you did that deterred him from being so disruptive. So you learnt to let it be.
But your friends didn't get the memo. They seem to get along with him really well. To this day they've been trying to get you two to ‘settle your differences’. You reckon they'll get tired one day.
☆⋆｡°☆
This was a bad idea. They should have given up after two of their previous attempts.
Closed rehearsal room and your friends who thought of inviting the bane of your existence to join for a dance practice session.
“Darling you're not even trying,” he condescends, “though I don't think it'd make much of a difference if you did.” There goes that smirk.
Felix pauses his movement momentarily to look at the situation, but Minho, ever the strict teacher, orders the three of you back into position. It's been an hour of trying to come up with a choreography for a song of his choosing and you'd be worried about his disappointment in the lack of progress if you didn't have a 5 '10 problem to deal with.
Whose idea was it to attempt getting you and Hyunjin to be friends?
You've been trying your best to focus on the instructions Minho gives but Hwang Hyunjin can be really, really annoying when he needs to be. And you're reaching the brink of your already limited patience.
“That's it, Min. I don't know which of you two decided this was a good idea but I really hope this guy isn't in this room the next time I am. I'm not doing this anymore.” You declare and walk to get your bag when, ofcourse, Hyunjin comments.
“Oh come on,” he fakes a pout, “you're disappointing your best friends. And me.” He says, like he matters.
“Well then,” you glare him down, done dealing with him for the rest of your life, “cry me a river and drown in it.”
He winces and puts a hand over his heart like he's hurt, before laughing, “As you wish darling.” You're very close to snapping but you just take a few steps towards him till his back hits the wall. “Shut up, will you?”
“Oo, how scary.” His hand reaches out but you smack it away before it does anything, your attention would be on his red ears if it wasn't on that stupid smirk.
And as you walk out you swear to yourself to wipe it off his face someday.
When Minho and Lix brought him along and introduced him to you, he was nice, polite, quiet almost. But now it seems like he is on a personal vendetta to get on your nerves.
His attacks go from just annoying to ignorant to personally hurtful when no one's looking. And you hate him for it.
Felix keeps attempting to get you and his bestfriend to not be at each other's throats all the time. You can't say it's working but you've gotten more used to having a constant source of irritation around.
Is there more layers to your hatred of him than just this? Yes. Would you ever admit that? Probably not.
☆⋆｡°☆
The next you see of him is in your dorm, on your dinner table. Actually your trio’s table but he doesn't belong here either way.
He lifts a hand and waves, mouthing a ‘hey there’, to which you flip him off. You reach the table and just stand beside your friends till they feel obligated to provide an explanation. Felix speaks up first, keeping his mug aside,“Hi yn!” but completely ignores your apprehension, prompts you to sit down instead, which you do with a huff.
You don't spare him another glance but you can feel his eyes focused on you.
“Answer a question l/n.” He seems to be studying your stance for some reason. “What even is the point of you?”
You take a deep breath. You don't wanna smite him in your own kitchen. “You ask me that like your own life has any meaning.”
“So you don't have an answer?”
“Do you get off of the annoyance you cause other people?”
“Probably. You're my favorite though.” He winks and you have to use the entirety of your self control to not break his jaw.
“You done?” Minho says to Hyunjin, though it feels as if he's addressing you both.
“There’s a group dance competition in late November,” he sees both you and Hyunjin open your mouths but he cuts it off early, “it outright says groups of four or more.”
“Then I'm out.”
“So am I.”
“You both calm your asses right now,” Minho gives a look that promptly gets you both settled in your seats, though he ignores Lix’s giggle, “the prize money for the winners is huge.”
“And I know you don't need the money like us,” he looks at Hyunjin, “but Hongjoong is bringing his team. I'm sure you'd like to participate.”
Hyunjin nods his participation but Minho isn't done. “If I see whatever problem you both have with each other becoming a problem to practice..” He concludes himself with silence and you swear Hyunjin gulps as you hold eye contact with Minho, as if challenging him to finish.
You've known him since his shy highschooler days, you're not about to be intimidated by this doe eyed example of a man.
“I think they'll manage!” Felix cheers Minho so he disrupts whatever staring contests you both are in. Conveniently dragging him out and inconveniently leaving you and Hyunjin together. This is the first time you're alone with him in a couple of months.
You get up as if he isn't sat across from you to make yourself some tea. It's almost done when he speaks.
“So…. truce?”
“I’m not acting friendly with you just because that rodent wants me to” you clear and set down a mug of tea on the table with some force, “don't make yourself comfortable.”
He looks nonplussed at the cup in front of him and looks back at you.
“You were staring at Lix’s tea like a dying man. Drink it. Or don't. Whatever.”
“Aww you do care about your arch-enemy after all!” He makes a face that makes you wanna hurt him.
You walk out.
☆⋆｡°☆
“But wouldn’t that seem like piracy in dance? A dancepiracy?” Felix exclaims, in his usual manner of what-even-is-his-vocabulary when Minho has all of you gathered in a practice room on campus.
“Lix, I'm sorry, what?”
Hyunjin enters, a bit late as he always is, “Hi-”
“Don't talk to me.” You cut him off and receive an eye roll before walking off to Minho and he beckons the two of them to do the same.
“Alright, let's decide a general vibe we're going for and then we'll pick a song based on that.”
“How about a contemporary mix?” Hyunjin says, and before Minho can say something, you do.
“You're so clueless it's almost cute. You're gonna fight Ateez, with contemporary?” You scoff like it's the most ridiculous thing you've heard and he gives you an offended kindergartener look.
“Alright break it up, we'll club every idea together and then eliminate.” Minho says, already getting tired of the setting. How will he do this for a few more weeks?
Almost half an hour passes before the animated discussion about concepts, styles and which one of those could be used by potential opponents ends and you all try to decide on a song.
“But if we do Charisma we're gonna run out of energy pretty quickly and the power of the song is gonna overrule the moves.” You say and for the first time, Hyunjin agrees, so Minho has to drop it.
“We should try k-music, how about Overdrive? The one by I.M.?” Hyunjin says and you almost pat him on the back.
“That, Hwang, is probably the only good idea you've ever had in your life. Let's do it.” If hyunjin replies, it is tuned out by the sounds of a happy Felix.
☆
“Hyunjin if your hand touches my face one more time I'm gonna rip it off!” Minho says, much to effect, Hyunjin shudders and his hand never reaches a foot’s radius of Minho again. He looks hilarious like that, cute even. Wait. No.
“Alright, that's probably all we can do today, I want all of you here tomorrow at 5pm. Don't be late, Hyunjin.”
“Hey, why are you pointing me out?” Hyunjin whines and you reply for Minho.
“Because you're the only dumbass who ever actually is late.”
“You say that like your middle name is punctual.” He retorts and he looks unreasonably attractive while doing so. You hate him for that.
“And? I've hardly been late to anything dickwad.”
“Oh well, I might be 15 minutes late to practice but I'm still better than you aren't I?”
“Oh fuck off,” you scoff. “You're about as better than me as I am better than Kirsten Dodgen.”
“Come on, instead of making excuses, how bout you dance better ln?” He scoffs.
“How bout you shove your attitude up your ass, Hwang? Bragging doesn't make you superior.” He bends down to your face in the most condescending way ever. “Having something to brag about is what makes me superior, darling.” You're done with him.
“You'd be so much more likable if you weren't an utter bitch.” You see his gaze drop and you find yourself scoffing. If he chooses to make a conversation escalate he should deal with what's to come.
Before he can say something in return though, Minho interrupts him and drags him out. You walk out before Felix gets the chance to lecture you.
☆⋆｡°☆
You're in your common room snacking as Minho and Lix argue over their makeup styles.
"Lemme do your makeup please?" Felix asks for the third time, giving Minho his best puppy eyes, and he is close to cracking, but he has a little bit of dignity left, so he turns to you for help. "Only if yn says so."
"I think lixie's style would look quite pretty on you Min." You munch on a chip, Felix jumping up with a 'yes!' while Minho just looks at you, betrayed. You give him a small smile as an apology.
You are lost in thoughts of how much you adore these two, heart warming at their silly dynamic when you hear a knock on the door.
“I'll check it.”
Out of all the people who could have possibly been at your door for any possible reason, it has to be Hwang Hyunjin.
“Why are you here?” He doesn't give you a direct answer, which isn’t like him, but just looks at his shoes.
“Can I talk to Lix-”
“He's not here.” You know he is, Hyunjin knows too, but you're not very keen on letting him in. But he doesn't try to force it, he looks almost desperate when he replies.
“Please just let me talk to him for a moment?” Hyunjin isn't usually polite to you, so you don't actively block him and step aside to let him enter.
Felix is doing Minho’s eyeshadow when he sees him, mutters out a greeting, and only senses something is off when he pays attention to Hyunjin’s face.
“What's up, hyun?”
“I- uh this is kinda weird but, there's a spare bed in your room right? Since your dorm is for four people.”
“Jinnie hyung what happened?”
“Well they're doing some emergency repair work in my room starting today evening and me and Jisung need a place to live for like a few days. Hotels are expensive.” Hyunjin looks the most embarrassed you've ever seen him, you don't know why but you definitely don't want him to stay.
“Jisung already found a place and uh, it's just for a few days-”
“It's ok hyung you can stay in mine.” Felix smiles at him and tells him to go get all the stuff he'll need for those few days.
As soon as he's out the door you start, “Felix, what the fuck? Did you just invite him to stay over?” He sighs and gives you a look.
“Look he's my best friend, he's not that bad, besides he's gonna be in my room and I'll keep him in check I promise. It'll be fine.”
You didn't think it'd be fine. With Hyunjin around it'd never be fine. But you can't think of any way out other than shutting yourself in your room. That works fine for a few hours, Hyunjin brings over his stuff and you can make out sounds of the three boys playing games and goofing around. But you are human. You're hungry.
You try your best to tiptoe to the kitchen, and you get in safely, but on your way back, you slam into Hyunjin. How fun.
“Come on, yn, at least walk properly.” He brushes himself off like he just touched dirt, and something about that gesture gets to you. In a moment he's shoved against the wall and his breath is knocked out of his lungs. You have him by the collar.
“What is your problem with me, huh?”, you interrogate, his ears are red but his face is unyielding, “why do you insist on being such an asshole to me? What have I ever done to you?” He gulps but his gaze on you doesn't falter. In another world you'd see what your hand around his neck would feel like.
“You're the one who likes acting superior, someone has to remind you you're not.” He says and some thread of resolve deep within you snaps.
“Look Hyunjin, I don't know what deep insecurity of yours makes you hostile towards me. But I'm tired of this,” you glare, “I'm tired of you.”
“You think you have the right to say that huh?”, he scoffs at you, “you were so nice at first why did you decide to hate me all of a sudden?” It's ridiculous how he almost looks hurt. It draws a dry laugh out of you.
“I'm sorry but I should be the one saying that. Because you were the one who decided to be offended in secret and suddenly start sounding like my-” you almost say it, the reason his words affect you so gravely.
“Like your what?”
“Nevermind.” You let go of his collar and step back, he's not worthy of hearing about your reasons. He stays in place, staring at the ground, when you're about to walk out he speaks.
“It's because I hate you.” He says, you turn to him as he continues. “Rephrase, I hate how nothing budges you. You make me think of everything in my life that's out of my control. You're this seemingly perfect human and nothing gets to you. I wanted to see how far you could be pushed before you break. But you didn't, you never do. And honestly, you make me insecure.” His gaze is fixed on the ground but the irony of the situation gets to you.
A laugh is drawn out of you at the prospect. “That's low, even by your standard, Hyunjin.”
“I wanted some confirmation that you're human, that you have insecurities and fears and triggers, but you never show them.”
“Haven't you pulled enough of my triggers already? Why’re you so hellbent on creating problems for me?”
“Because I don't wanna be less than you,” he says, and the irony makes you wanna strangle him. He mutters a curse. “I have a question. Why did you say that last year?” He asks, much to your confusion.
“Say what?” You ask, he inhales deeply and bites his lip, you're momentarily distracted despite the situation.
“That party at Seungmin’s after summer? I heard what you said.” He looks almost vulnerable but you still don't know what he's talking about so he continues.
“You were talking to someone that day, I heard my name so I was curious, you said I remind you of all the bad things in your life. That you hated me. And you'd been acting so harsh with me that week.”
“What?”, it takes you a moment to register what he's talking about, “oh. That.”
“Forget it, it wasn't about you.” You say and he smiles at the ground, “So you do hate me.”
“No, it's not that-”
“Then what is it?”
“I-, it's my dad. I don't wanna talk about it in detail but you're everything he's ever wanted of me, you remind me of him and you talk the same way. That summer was when I told him I'm not taking his shit anymore. I was telling Minho about it.” Hyunjin looks stunned at the confession.
“I don't hate you, you know? You just seem like someone too good to be a friend of mine.” He says and you laugh.
“You're so dumb Hwang Hyunjin. I don't forgive you but for the sake of our friends,” you look up at him and he's never looked so expectant, “truce?” His expression changes and you can sense the teasing coming your way.
“Did you just say that? You do like me that much huh?” You slap his arm.
“Shut up before I change my mind.”
“Oh, by the way, Lix is playing Moana in a few minutes, he said it's one of your faves, go sit with them, he'll like it. I'll fetch snacks like he told me to.”
You end up watching the movie with them, your snacks are attacked, you discover that Hyunjin does have a sense of humor.
The next day is smoother, you didn't expect Hyunjin to stop being a loudmouth, and he doesn't, but it's more bearable than before, it's not quite friendly yet, you both need time to work to that level after the spontaneous truce, but it's bearable.
A group study in the library that all four of you agreed to just turned into a heated debate about literature and he may beat you in a dance competition but you'd be damned if he ever beats you in a debate.
“I may have mistaken the quote for a Khalil Gibran one because it was similar but you quoted Oscar Wilde in a hetero scenario. Come on. You didn't even know what place Odesseus ruled or why Troy happened.” You're in disbelief.
“Ok fine. You got me. I know nothing about literature, especially Greek. Happy?” He admits defeat and you've never felt better.
“Oh, very happy.” You're sure the grin on your face is annoying the hell out of him.
You all get home groaning about not wanting to work to make dinner. One thing none of you expected though, is that all of you will miss the snowstorm alert and the notice of classes being canceled.
“GUYS WE'RE FUCKED!” Felix shouts from the couch where he and Hyunjin are playing a game as you and Minho cook, everyone gathers around the boy as he reads out the alert emailed to all students. Minho groans, you sigh and Felix sits dejected.
“Why are you all so down? It's just a snowstorm.” Hyunjin says and Felix fills him in about the deteriorated condition of the heater and the potential threat of a power cut. Also the inevitable delay that will happen to his dorm’s repair work.
The dinner is silent not just because of the news but because Felix and Minho know tomorrow is your birthday.
Felix and Hyunjin are just done doing the dishes when the younger perks up, “I know what to do! WE'LL MAKE A WARM PILLOW FORT IN ONE OF THE ROOMS!”
“Lix I don't think that's a good idea.” You're not very excited to do this with Hyunjin around but Minho makes it worse.
“See that makes sense, if all of us sleep in one room it'd be warmer.” You know there's no going back from that so you assist in moving mattresses and blankets to make the nest looking thing ‘for the slumber party’ as Felix says.
Someone's (yours) laptop is propped up on a piece of furniture and a Disney movie, this time of Hyunjin's choosing, is played.
Looking at it positively, there's snacks, you're warm, everyone is having fun while there's a snowstorm outside, you have no classes for two days. It's not that bad.
No one knows who falls asleep first, but there's no power when you wake up way too early, you wish yourself happy birthday and get up for tea when you're ambushed. Minho seats you back down as he and Felix softly sing the Happy Birthday song in the dark, Hyunjin shifts and wakes up, confused very much at the strange spectacle.
Phone flashlights are turned on when a Felix-made box of brownies is passed to you, Minho lights a mini candle that you blow out and make a wish.
“You'll have to wait a little longer for your gifts, though.” Minho says as he gives you a hug.
The day starts early and the power comes back on in a few hours as the storm calms down. You're told to dress up for the gift giving and Hyunjin is made cameraman.
Felix gives you a novel you've been wanting for a while along with a beautiful necklace and Minho gets you perfume and calligraphy pens. Hyunjin apologizes for not knowing it's your birthday but you tell him you don't mind.
You're not allowed to help when Minho dictates Felix and Hyunjin as they make some of your favorite food. The spectacle is amusing as can be, Hyunjin is absolutely clueless about cooking and looks lost while Felix runs about trying to manage his tasks as Minho is busy at the stove. The meal is one of the best you've had in a while.
This is how you like your birthdays, homely, cozy and a little bit silly.
You didn't expect even a birthday wish from Hyunjin so it's certainly a surprise when he finds you later in the evening and hands you a small painting of a chrysanthemum.
“I don't know what to give you so I made a painting of your birth flower, but I know you like blue so I made it blue.”
“I don't- I didn't know you paint so well Hyunjin, this- it's lovely, you didn't have to. Thank you so much.” He just gives you a small smile, which you return.
The flower is beautiful and you notice it's the exact shade of blue as your outfit. You'll keep the painting safe.
☆⋆｡°☆
There's a couple of weeks left for the competition but your team is making great progress, you're all skilled, Minho is a great mentor and you find that Hyunjin's choreography style is quite similar to yours.
Speaking of Hyunjin, you've been getting along with him better. His jokes aren't as much attacks as they are annoying, he's dramatic and he's stupid but he's also quite thoughtful. Maybe he isn't all that bad.
Hyunjin makes a very unfunny joke and you lightly punch him in the ribs, looking up to find Minho giving you a suspicious look. “What?” He doesn't reply.
When you're all packing up to leave practice when Hyunjin speaks.
“I think we're friends now.” His tone is of false disbelief, he almost looks cute with that exasperated expression.
“God don't say that. I still wanna kill you every time I see you.” You say, but you're laughing.
You wanna kill him, but you also kind of wanna kiss him.
Wait. No.
He's invited over to the dorm today despite his dorm having been fixed long ago. He's bringing Jisung with him, Felix and Jisung are already friends and Minho has taken a unique liking to the boy.
The offer is of studying together and then later hanging with snacks to find an excuse to ditch a party none of you wanna go to.
“I call dibs on the big chair!” Jisung yells and Felix claims the next best spot in his own room. Hyunjin settles on the floor because you claim Lix's bed before him and Minho claims another place.
You throw a folded blanket at him, “Cushion your ass Hwang,” you smirk, “if you have any that is.” Jisung snorts in the corner. “Don't insult the man’s cake like that, yn!”
A few hours pass with Jisung and Felix chatting between their work and Minho giving them endearing looks, you and Hyunjin just work but you can't help but notice how his eyes flicker to you every other minute.
You find yourself staring at his lips as his tongue reaches out to wet them, you involuntary mimic his action. He's beautiful, undeniably, but he looks so soft in his pastel blue sweater that you almost forget you used to hate him. You wonder what his hugs feel like.
Wait. No. No, you don't.
You run to your room to fetch your strawberry lipbalm.
“Hyunjin put your laptop down for a sec,” he throws you a questioning glance but complies, the other three are too busy to notice what you're doing, the pad of your ring finger swipes the tinted product across his slightly chapped lips, “There.”
You don't realize what you've until he gulps, “Shit, I'm sorry, I should've asked-”
“Thanks.” He looks a little red and you figure it's the embarrassment of it all.
☆
You run across Hyunjin again, as he's returning from the kitchen and you're heading there, you walk towards him, not knowing what you're gonna say when the glossy red tint on his lips is so, so enticing. He doesn't protest when your hand is on his face, examining it.
“The shade suits you.” His breath is uneven and he gulps, you notice his eyes darting down to the same shade on your lips. You don't know why you do it, or how you'll explain it.
But you kiss him, his lips are every bit as soft as you imagined them to be everytime he bit them. You think you've fucked everything up until he kisses back uncertainly.
You part and your eyes drop down, so does the hand that was previously on his face.
“I-”, you curse your words for failing you at that moment and the thousand jumbled thoughts in your head that make it difficult to think.
“This never happened.” You say, finally, as you step back.
“Consider it forgotten.” He confirms.
Him and Jisung leave after almost an hour, you won't be able to sleep today.
☆⋆｡°☆
You said ‘this never happened’, you don't have any explanation of why it proceeded to happen many times afterwards. You would talk about it if only you understood what you're feeling, but you don't. And it's not messing anything up and none of you is ready to give the other an explanation.
There's two days left in the competition, and the preparation is finally done. All of you are satisfied with the final choreography and the decided outfits. Maybe you're a tad bit too interested in the pictures Hyunjin shows of him in his outfit.
Minho insisted for a last run with counts before the hour ended. You look at Hyunjin’s form as he dances, he has complete control over what beats he does and doesn't hit, he looks the best here, you think, in his element. Besides there's certain thoughts you have about his tank top and sweaty body, thoughts that you don't wanna acknowledge. The song ends and Hyunjin stops moving, much to your disappointment.
You look straight at him as you play 'Industry baby' and raise an eyebrow at him in challenge. “You first.” He accepts. The things you do to get Hwang Hyunjin dancing again.
Minho and Felix both cheer on as the dance battle continues. You beat Yunho on this song and both of them know it. You see Hyunjin's eyes widen when you hit a beat in the chorus with your entire body. He whistles and you take that as an ego boost. The battle was in your favor.
“Admit I'm better than you,” you say to him, he laughs in response, but not in the mocking way you're familiar with.
“It'd be a cold day in whatever hell you came from before I do that.” He raises a brow at you though he's smiling.
“Gotta tell my dad to turn the AC down.” You deadpan and the three boys snort.
“Are your trauma jokes always necessary?”
“No but they're funny so..”
☆
You're at Hyunjin and Han’s dorm after practice and for a godforsaken reason, Minho and Felix are both somewhere else while you sit awkwardly in Hyunjin's desk chair with your drink. He's still in the shower, you were all previously in this room but the three decided to leave you alone with Hyunjin. They're doing that a lot these days. Hyunjin's blow dryer is loud.
He steps out and you almost choke on your boba. He's shirtless. You look in the opposite direction as fast as you can.
“Don't worry, darling, you can look. I know I'm irresistible.”
“Shut up before I throw my boba at you.” but you look anyway, he somehow looks better than what you'd imagined was under his tank top.
This time you let your eyes trail over him, from collarbones to the slightly visible v-line above his sweatpants, just to see who looks away first. He feels your vision on him like it's cold winter air, but doesn't look away.
You take that as a challenge, you put your drink away and walk to him. He doesn't look away. Your hand finds his waist, he inhales sharply and you pull him to you. Your other hand finds his nape when there's barely any distance left between you. He still doesn't give up.
“It’s almost like you want me to do something,” you let your eyes run shamelessly across his skin, “tell me to stop.” He doesn't, so you kiss him. And he kisses back, this time with certainty. You let the feeling soak into you for a moment. It's him who takes it further, and you retaliate, you bite his lower lip right when you give his hair a little tug and he gasps into your mouth, his hands roam your body and you let them.
You push him back until his knees hit his bed and he lets himself fall, his hands find your waist again as soon as you're straddling him, this time your hand is on his neck instead of his hair, you let him kiss you once more before your lips are attached to his jawline, then down to his collarbone, your teeth nip at his skin and your hand presses at the sides of his neck experimentally, his arms tighten around you and he moans. You peel yourself away from him to look at his face, the redness from his face has bled down his neck to half his chest. Cute.
“You're.. extremely red.” You say.
“Shut up.”
“Like.. cherry red.” You tease.
“Go to hell.” You laugh but gasp when he pulls you down to lay over him and engulfs you in a sort of bear hug. It feels surprisingly nice.
“I can't go back home right now but your company is a better substitute for hell don't you think?” He pushes you off of him at that.
“Hey I was kidding-”
There's a knock on the door and Hyunjin runs for his shirt and you run to fix your hair and grab your drink.
“What’re you guys doing in there with the door closed?” It's Han. You'd strangle him if he wasn't Minho's favorite.
“Mind your own Jisung, I just got out of the shower!” Hyunjin yells, “And y'all were the ones who left me alone here what the fuck Han?” You add.
There's things one only notices when they're very, very close to someone. Hyunjin has a faint mole under his left eye.
☆⋆｡°☆
It's competition day and you have a problem. In the heat of the moment, you'd forgotten how low cut his stage outfit was. Now you're trying not to look as Jisung and Felix interrogate Hyunjin about where he got the hickeys from. He doesn't give anything away, thankfully, you're not ready to explain something you're not even sure about, but Minho has been awfully quiet and you think he's suspecting something.
All thoughts leave your head as you hear the host of the evening start introducing the event, the order of performances is announced and Ateez is called on first, everyone expects them to win. There's a few more teams before you and your team is close to the last, you count a few possible opponents who are good competition, like the Soobin and Yeji’s teams, you know most of the participants from Uni.
Watching others perform, you can feel the familiar pre performance adrenaline taking over. You love it. This rush is part of the reason you do dance competitively.
Hyunjin comes up to you and gives your hand a little squeeze, “let's kill this yeah?” “Oh we absolutely will.”
And you do. The cheers get louder as the performance progresses and choosing a song this heavy on beats may have cost all of you your lungs during practice, but you move like you know each other's bodies and Ateez doesn't look so smug anymore. The hyped crowd is all so worth it.
As Felix predicted, the bridge is the part which gets the loudest cheers.
There's only two performances after yours and the results come in soon after. The host thanks the sponsors and announces the positions bottom to top. Yeji’s teams is runner up.
Soobin’s team is third. The boys hug each other before they run to collect their prize, their friends cheer for them. But your heart starts beating violently soon afterwards, you're standing behind MinLix, so Hyunjin takes your hand, he's jittery so you let him.
Ateez, Hongjoong’s team, is second. You heave a sigh of relief and Hyunjin relaxes, though he doesn't let go of your hand. Ateez boys look upset and you suppress the urge to smile.
Your team is announced first place and the four of you jump in joy and you hear Jisung screaming from the audience.
☆
You're all dizzy with laughter when Jisung excuses himself to go to the bathroom and MinLix leave to find a friend. Why do they keep doing that?
Ateez takes this as an appropriate time to approach you two, though they don't even acknowledge your presence. Yunho keeps looking the opposite way, he always does that around you since he was beaten in the dance battle.
“You won't always keep winning Hwang.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes at him but looks uncomfortable, you identify this boy as Wooyoung. A more slender boy? person? human? approaches next with shocked eyes.
“Is that a hickey, Jinnie?” Though he uses a nickname, it's clear that he means nothing good when he pokes Hyunjin's collarbone with his finger. Hyunjin mumbles a ‘shut up’ but they ignore him. Hyunjin looks like he'd rather be anywhere than here. The next one to say something is Hongjoong, you've seen him around. He's no good.
“Looks like the pretty boy has finally found himself a girlfriend. Or did you find a sugar daddy, Hyunjin? Where'd you get the hickey from?” The whole group snickers behind him and Hyunjin is clenching his jaw. He looks angry and you decide to do something.
“Well he got it from me. You got a problem with that?” You raise a brow at the man, he's barely taller than you.
“Oh come on, l/n. Everyone knows you hate him. Why defend him just because he's on your team?” You take a step further, and look directly at him.
“Are you calling me a liar, Kim Hongjoong?” He smirks back at you and you never thought any smirk except Hyunjin's could ever make you this angry, but you wanna punch him in the face right here.
“No, l/n. I'm just saying that's a little difficult to believe considering you were at each other's throats not long ago. If you want us to believe, why don't you give us some proof, eh?” He sneers, clearly expecting you to falter and deny the whole thing.
You laugh at his face, “You want proof huh? Well, how about this?” You turn and kiss Hyunjin, with your arms around his shoulders and his around your torso. Deep enough to make them uncomfortable.
“Alright we get the point. Enough. You're in public, l/n.” When you part, Hyunjin smiles at them in a way you know will piss them off. Because it did the same to you not long ago.
“Well you're the one who wanted proof Kim. Now fuck right off. If I see you bothering my arch enemy again, you won't be allowed into the art history class anymore. Mark my words.”
You drag Hyunjin to a quiet corner, away from the crowd and shoot a text to the other boys telling them to meet you both at Hyunjin's dorm.
You check up on the boy and he looks miserable. “Hey. You fine? I'm sorry I should have let you deal with it without interfering.” You apologize but he shakes his head.
“No, that was really funny, I'm sure it pissed them off, just- I'm sorry you had to witness that.” He looks dejected and you can't find it even in the cruelest parts of you to not help him.
“Hey. Listen. I don't care what they think of themselves but they don't deserve to make you feel bad about anything. And I don't think any less of you because they decide to be assholes, if anything I respect you more now.” He gives you a small nod and a smile, this time, an actual, genuine smile.
“Would mind if I just..” he wraps his arms around you and his head comes to rest on your shoulder, “stay like this for a bit?” You hug him back and nothing needs to be said for a while. Hyunjin's hugs do feel nice.
When you bring him back to his dorm, the joke on the tip of Jisung’s tongue doesn't get the chance to escape. He looks concerned for Hyunjin, that's the first time you've seen the boy serious. They exchange glances and it's like he just knows what happened.
The evening is a quiet sort of celebratory, and you find yourself trying to avoid Hyunjin as much as possible. How are you going to explain anything you're feeling to him when you can't even explain it to yourself? Minho and Jisung make everyone ramen and a sleepover ensues. You're all in Jisung’s room, him and Minho in the same bed, you, Felix and Hyunjin on the floor. Why Hyunjin's not in his own bed is weird to you. Maybe sleepover spirit.
When you wake up to get water you find Hyunjin isn't in his place anymore. He isn't in the kitchen either. You're avoiding him but you don't wanna be the prime suspect if he's found dead.
You roam around and find him his room, sketching in the faint light of his night light like the lunatic he is, you smack the back of his head, you forgot how dramatic he can be, and you have to cover his mouth so he doesn't scream. “Shut up, you idiot. It's me,” he licks your hand, “eww. Filthy.” You wipe the hand on his shoulder.
“You literally made out with me in public, how's that filthy?” You notice what he's wearing, a white shirt, with the first two buttons undone. You smack him again.
“You idiotic dunce! Do you wanna catch a fucking cold it's literally late November!” He winces and reaches for the sweater beside him, you try to see what he's sketching but he hides it with almost superhuman speed. “Chill Hyunjin, I don't wanna spy on you.”
“Why are you awake?” He asks.
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.”
“Samesies. Though unlike you, I don't voluntarily ruin my eyesight when I wake up a bit too early.” You gesture to the lack of light and he sighs.
“What do you do then?” The question catches you off-guard, it sounds genuine and for some reason you answer it genuinely.
“I write poems. In light.”
“Poems about what?”
“That's none of your business.” Your voice suddenly sounds cold and you curse yourself for turning out so hostile with your reply.
“Sorry. I won't intrude-”
“No. I- I don't like sharing it. I don't like sharing at all actually.”
“I get that. There's parts of me I don't like sharing either. Don't feel bad about it.”
“Why didn't I ever notice how thoughtful you are?”
“Maybe cuz you never tried to.” He presses his lips together and you suddenly feel bad about yourself.
“Hey,” he says, “I wanna say sorry. I know how much of an asshole I've been to you. It doesn't deserve much forgiveness but it's bothering me a lot. So I say it again: I'm sorry for everything I've said and done.”
You search your brain for any reasons to not forgive him. But with the way he's been the last month, you don't find any. “I forgive you.” You say, and it's like some invisible tension is released from his body. He smiles at you. “Thank you.”
“Hyunjin?”
“Yes?”
“Let's get to know each other more.”
“How?”
“I'll ask a question, we both answer it, then you ask one.” He nods, so you ask.
“What's something you'd do if money wasn't a factor? I'd be a philosopher or a writer.”
“I'd be an artist or a dancer maybe. If you could live in one fictional universe, which one would it be? I'd love to be in the Harry Potter universe but the author’s racist.”
“I think I'd like to live in either Dan Brown's or Rick Riordan’s books.”
“What's something you wish more people in the world understood?”
That night you feel closer to him than you've ever been. You discover Hyunjin is an incredibly sentimental person, he also is a romantic, he's an only child, his parents are divorced, he has a dog back at home. So many things you never knew about him. He's flawed, you're flawed, but he’s not a bad human being. You hope you aren't one either.
Ofcourse him being a thoughtful person doesn't rule out the annoying ass he is.
You both don't go to sleep again, you chat while he continues his drawing and you scroll through your notes app editing your writings. You find yourself enjoying his company. Two months ago, if someone told you you'd find peace around him, you would have laughed.
☆
The five of you seem to stay together almost all the time now that Jisung is also a part of the group. The text comes when you're all out eating a few days later. Minho is offended when you forget to answer his question in favor of staring at your phone. When he sees your expression is when he realizes something's off.
“What's wrong?” He says, and everyone’s eyes are on you.
“He wants to meet me. Tomorrow. He's coming here.” Minho doesn't need another word to understand what you're talking about, but the rest of the boys stay confused. Yet no one questions why you excuse yourself in the middle of the meal to go back home.
Minho doesn't disturb you when you lock yourself in the room you both share, choosing to sleep in Felix’s room instead. He knows you'll need to deal with your father alone. Even if the man refuses to let you be when you've practically abandoned him.
The next day you leave the house after they're both gone for their last classes. You don't expect the meeting with your father to be anything good, but you know that he'll hunt you down to your dorm or lectures if you don't go where he wants you.
He never is genuinely happy to see you, you learnt to tell his expressions apart when you were 8, and his smile right now is definitely a fake. He orders a coffee for himself and you politely deny his offer to get you one as well.
He says the same thing he does every time you meet him, trying to convince you of God knows what. You're tired of having this same conversation over and over again.
“Don't do this to me. You're my child.”
“I’m not just your child, I'm a person. You've done enough damage. Stay away from me.”
“But how can you leave me alone? I'm getting older and I have no one to rely on-”
“And whose fault is that?”
“I'm sorry! Ok? But you don't respect me, can't I even want respect and company from my child?” The statement makes you wanna punch him but you just laugh.
“Don't start talking about respect. Respect is earned, and you did nothing to earn it. And if you couldn't give me the love and support you should have given your child, at least give me the privacy and independence every human deserves.”
“But-”
“I told you that day. I don't know you anymore. It'd be wise of you to stay away from me if you don't want the police called on you.”
He tries to say more but you just walk out of the cafe and back to your dorm. You know he won't follow you. He's too egoistic for that.
☆⋆｡°☆
Minho hasn't slept in his own bed for two days, and you haven't seen sunlight in quite a while. The stream of texts your father sent you after your meeting, accusing you of being an ungrateful offspring and a useless human were much more depressing than the real conversation, the one you didn't allow to happen. Finally blocking him felt good nonetheless. You're tired of the responsibility of interacting with him.
You get out of bed and your entire body feels stiff, and your eyes are glitching. Maybe keeping the blinds down for two whole days wasn't a good idea. And you smell. But you still can't find the willpower to shower.
There's a knock on your door. Minho.
“Yn? You there? I need something from my closet.” You open the door for him and his demeanor softens at your state. He knows you since highschool, he's the only one who knows what's going on and the extent to which it matters.
“Hey. Why don't you go shower, hm? The boys are all outside, they're concerned cuz they haven't seen you for some time but I'll tell them not to worry, ok?” You probably should shower. You nod at him and step out to go to the bathroom.
Your body feels a lot better afterwards, but the world still sort of feels colorless, you decide to go get some food other than the snacks you lived on for two days. Maybe some actual food will make you feel better. There's a sticky note from Minho addressed to you on the microwave.
‘your meal inside :) finish it all’
You smile. He never stops taking care of all of you, that's how he shows you love.
The meal makes you feel a little alive, but the color in your world is still absent.
The boys ask you if you're ok on you way back to your room, you give them a small smile and true to Minho's words, none of them tries to dig you for information. You do notice the unexpected concern on Hyunjin's face. Weird.
Maybe you should go to your classes tomorrow.
☆
The crowd of the noon classes will never be something you like, but at least your first class is something you like and share with Hyunjin and Felix. You zone out somewhere in the middle of the lecture and your brain, your actual enemy, decides to give you thoughts about your upbringing. No matter how hard you try to focus on something else, your mind gets stuck on how unfair your father always was to you. How he deserves to die alone. How you don't feel sorry for saying that. Your lungs have been restricted since that day, but it's becoming more difficult for you to breathe every minute. You need to get out of here. You really need to get out of the crowd before you start hyperventilating.
Hyunjin saw you hurriedly ask the professor to excuse you, he asked the professor to let him go after you, and seeing how you looked, the professor let him.
You haven't had a meltdown in a long time and your lungs burn as your breathing becomes labored, you find a quiet corridor to hide from the footsteps behind you.
Your legs go weak and the weight of the ceiling doubles and presses down on your head. You drop to your knees.
“Yn!” His hand is on your shoulder and you swat it away before you can even comprehend it. Things are too fast, way too fast for your brain to help.
“Get away!” You can't have him here right now, not when you're vulnerable and he has the power to rip you apart. Your brain doesn't trust him with this.
“Let me help-”
“I don't need help! Es- Especially from you.” You never see the hurt that flashes in his eyes because something that feels like a strong blow to your chest knocks the air out of your lungs. You clutch your top, even the fabric feeling like a restriction on breathing.
You hear him mumble a ‘fuck it' before he knnels down beside you and you're pressed to his chest in a protective hug. Your mental barrier collapses.
Tears escape you like a dam overflowing, your brain not functional enough to form a coherent sentence. Years of bottled up hurt, the emotionally overwhelming events of the last few days and the unpleasant reminders of everything you lack flow out in ugly sobs as Hyunjin runs a comforting hand across your back. No questions asked. You surprise yourself with how broken your crying sounds.
Your breathing is choked and painful, quite like your life in your childhood home. But there was no one to help you calm down there, no one telling you ‘its okay, you're safe, try to follow my breathing hm?’
You follow his instructions the best you can, calming down enough for some air to flow into your lungs. He makes you drink water and runs to the lecture hall to fetch both of your backpacks. He takes you back to your dorm and gets you a snack without asking a single question. He deems your own room too depressing for you to stay in so he brings you to the kitchen. He observes you carefully until he's sure you're fine.
“I know you don't trust me to help you,” he sighs and regret washes over you like a wave, “forget about the rest of your classes today, get some rest. I'll go back now-” He reaches for his backpack when you speak up.
“Hyunjin- wait.” He says nothing, but just looks at you, wanting you to continue.
“Stay,” you say, your eyes still burn from the crying and you don't want to feel alone anymore, “please.”
He sighs and sets the backpack down.
“I don't want you to tell me everything, but I can't help if I have no idea what's wrong.”
He lets you reach out to hug him, you ignore all the confusing feelings in the back of your head.
“I'm sorry. Even talking about it reminds me of the details. And that usually ends up worse than what happened a few minutes ago.”
“Mhm.” His hand pats down your messed up hair and you don't remember a touch ever being this comforting.
“It's my dad. I met him a couple days ago, he tried to get me to stay around because apparently he doesn't wanna die alone. But I refused and walked out. He resorted to his old behavior and flooded my texts with all the things he always keeps saying about me. About how I'm useless, no good at anything I do, disrespectful and not worthy of any love and things like that. It got to me more than it should have, but hey, I finally blocked him.”
“I'm proud of you for doing that. And let me tell you something. You're incredibly good at everything you do. You're so smart, and such a good dancer. I was so jealous of you when I first met you.” He says, and you believe him despite your brain saying he's lying to you.
“Your friends all love you so much. Would you really let a man with no company tell you whether you deserve love or not?”
“But I haven't earned it. I've done nothing to deserve that love.” He makes a disbelieving sound at the statement.
“Love isn't something you have to earn, it's something that is given out of will. And if someone gives you their love without you asking for it. Then you certainly deserve it. Whoever tries to tell you otherwise is lying to you, ok? It took me a while to understand this but trust me. It's the truth.” You nod into his shoulder before you break the hug to look at him.
“Since when do you care about me, huh?” You joke, not even expecting an answer but he gives you one.
“Since when? I don't know. All I know is I care about you a lot. I don't like seeing you hurt. Which, again, makes me feel guilty as fuck for acting like I did to you. I don't know why I was so selfis-”
“Shh, it's in the past now, we're even. I don't mind having you around now.”
“Is that you being soft for me darling?” There goes his teasing, this warrants the punch in the rib you give him. He grunts in response but laughs anyway.
“Would you find it funny if I ask you for cuddles right now?” You say, and he looks surprised, but happy nonetheless.
“I'd find it adorable.” You drag him to your bed.
“We need to make your room look less depressing after this okay?” He says and you nod before you let yourself fall on top of him, getting an ‘oof’ in reply before he arms come up to hold you.
You feel puzzled about this whole situation with him and matter how much you like it, you need to clarify it.
“Hey, Hyunjin?” He hums.
“This, whatever it is, do you want it? Should we like, talk about it?” He doesn't get angry like you expected him to, but replies calmly.
“I like whatever it is. If you wanna talk about it, we should. I'm not sure I even have a name for it though.”
“I don't have one either. I don't really understand feelings. But I don't want this to stop. Do you?”
“No. No I don't.”
“Minho knows something's up with us.”
“I know, I've seen him looking at us suspiciously, though I don't think he hates it though.”
“He's my insurance. Just know he'll murder if you decide to become a bitch to me again.”
“I won't. Promise.”
☆
You're both up before the other occupants of your dorm come back with Jisung inevitably tagging along. When Minho comes back the first thing he does is check up on you. You tell him about the little breakdown and Hyunjin helping you. He stares at Hyunjin for a good minute as if gauging him for signs of danger but then shrugs and thanks him.
You explain your complicated relationship with your father in minimal detail to the other two boys just so they don't worry too much in uncertainty. It is decided that everyone will go out together to eat and celebrate the upcoming winter break.
You don't go home for winter break, but Felix and Minho do, so does Jisung, so it's just you and Hyunjin together for Christmas. You don't hate the prospect.
Two days after the three boys are gone you two decide it's better staying in one place than continuously having to meet each other to prepare for the celebration. You don't hate this either.
Hyunjin is fun to be around, he's hilarious on top of being beautiful, you're almost sure you have feelings for him, feelings of what sort and how deep, that you don't know. Maybe you'll add one more poem about it to the collection that has been growing everyday.
You learn he's much more affectionate than you thought he'd be, he's almost always close to you. He isn't clingy per se, but he's always close. Like right now.
You're trying one of Minho’s recipes and he has got you convinced there's flour on your face, though you're sure you've added more flour to your face in your attempts to remove the original bit because he's laughing like you're a clown.
“Hyunjin if you're not helping I'm going to the bathroom to wash it off-”
“Wait.” He cups your face and swipes his thumb at your jaw to get the first bit off, he's closer than he needs to be, though you don't think you care. The second bit of flour is on your forehead apparently, that's where his hand is even though his eyes are on your lips. You're almost certain he wants to kiss you. So you do the next reasonable thing.
Put flour on his nose and run.
“Hey! Not fair!” He tries to catch you but fails, and like you're toddlers, a game of chase starts.
“Come back here!” He laughs and you return it.
“Nope. Not coming back there.” You run up to Lix's room.
“Alright have it your way.” He grabs a pillow and before you can tell him no, you're in the middle of a pillow fight. He tries to hit you on the head but misses, and your pillow lands square in his face. He recovers soon after though, and somehow manages to snatch away your pillow and pin you down on the bed.
You're both dizzy with laughter. “All I wanted was a kiss! The betrayal! I want payback!” He complains like the dramatic toddler he is. “Well deal with it Hwang. You're not getting any kisses on Lix’s bed, have some shame.” You push him off in a moment of weakness and take off again.
“NOT AGAIN!”
“The stuff in the oven will burn dumbass!”
The dinner is made and eaten without incident, thankfully. You make Hyunjin sleep in Felix's room, being pretty doesn't give him an automatic ticket to yours, you like occupying all the space by yourself.
☆⋆｡°☆
You're cold. Too cold. It's almost as if the coldness has seeped into your bones. With every moment the pressure on your body increases, you feel like you're drowning, when your eyes open all you see is a distorted sheet of blue. You are drowning. Your body is slowly sinking deeper. The pressure is pressing down on your brain and your ribs, you call for help but your words aren't heard, not even by you. You scream but no sound escapes your watery prison, you strain your throat with how hard you're trying to make a sound, to scream for help-
You wake hyperventilating, like you always do from this same nightmare. It takes you a good minute to catch your breath.
The next thing you do is calculate how much self respect you can sacrifice from your dwindling resources to fall asleep again. Because you certainly won't be able to sleep alone for the rest of the night.
His door’s open. Maybe disturbing him a little wouldn't hurt? Well that would be the case if he were sleeping.
“Are you fucking nocturnal?” You say, and you watch him jump and the phone fall from his hand.
“God who even lurks in the dark like that? How do you not make a sound? Are you a vampire?”
“I dunno. Instincts. Not a vampire though, sadly. Why’re you up?”
“Can't sleep. You?”
“Stupid dream.” You seat yourself beside him. You both seem to have something against sleeping properly.
“Wanna talk about it?” He's put his phone down, you notice.
“Only if you tell me why you never sleep.” He contemplates for a moment then shrugs.
“No details but nights never meant good things for me growing up. I'm a light sleeper and on the bad days even footsteps wake me up. Sometimes I can't sleep at all.” He shrugs.
“I can sleep most nights, but I have this recurring dream where I'm drowning for some reason. I can't sleep after waking up from that one. Why are nights bad for you? Memories?”
“Yeah. I don't like talking about it.”
“You wanna try going back to sleep or you wanna do something else?” You ask.
“I’d go back to sleep but it seems impossible now.” You don't remember ever relating to him as much as you do right now.
“C'mere.” You gesture to the space beside you, to your surprise he doesn't protest. “Talk to me about anything until it's morning or one of us starts feeling sleepy.” And he does. Your discussion goes from fiction to emotions to the way people behave and then back to anime then to art to poetry and then what not. But when you wake up, there's so much light in the room that you're almost sure it's noon. And you can't move.
“Hyunjin. Wake up.” He doesn't. “Hyunjin! You stupid ferret, get off me.” He budges a little at that. So much for claiming to be a light sleeper huh? You need to push him off of you before you can get up and check the time.
11:40 am. Wow. That's a solid 7 hours of sleep.
You get up to clean up and find something to eat. By the time you shower and dig into your bowl of cereal, Hyunjin finds his way to the kitchen with a puffy face. Adorable.
“Good Morning, ferret. Sleep well?” You joke.
“Very well actually, why're you eating cereal…. sitting on the table?”
“I dunno,” you shrug, “seemed fun.”
You're never witnessed an actually groggy Hyunjin before this and it's hilarious. He's dazed and almost hit his head on the counter. Thrice. It's almost surprising that he manages to get himself water without breaking anything.
“You left me alone.” He complains when you're done washing your cereal bowl.
“Well I'm sorry but I had to. I was hungry.”
“No fair.” In a few seconds you discover handling the weight of a tall guy is quite a task. Is it a hug or are you being crushed to death? You're not sure. “Ok I'm sorry let me breathe please!”
You can finally breathe when he lets go of you, “Now go shower. Your breath’s nasty.” He doesn't reply but just messes up your hair before running off.
☆⋆｡°☆
You should have known. Maybe you can't let good things happen to yourself without attempting to destroy them.
“You're not the brightest outside class, are you Hwang?” You're watching him struggle with figuring out what spice is what.
“You only say that cuz you're jealous of my class smarts.” He rolls his eyes at you.
“Oh please, you were behind me by a whole grade in two classes last semester.”
“That wasn't my 100%, I had stuff to deal with.”
“All excuses, aren't they?”
“Everything is a competition for you isn't it?” He sounds disappointed but you're not the bigger person.
“Isn't it for you too?”
“No it isn't. Forgive me for not wanting to compete for everything in my life.”
“Why? Scared?” The conversation escalates before you realize it and you blame your tendency to argue with him.
“Why are you so obsessed with being the best?” He's no longer calm.
“You tell me. You were the one mocking me for always being second for a whole damn year!”
“Oh come on, there's more to it! Why are you so fragile about it?”
“You and your taunts are all there is to it and I'm reacting like anyone would. Why were you so insistent on beating me in everything?”
“Oh, come on! There's definitely stuff you're not saying, why can't you open up to me?”
“I don't want to say anything. Why the fuck do you even want me to open up to you?”
“Because I want to fix this!”
“And why does fixing it matter?”
“Because I like you god damn it! Are you that dumb?”
“Bullshit. You suddenly like me after a whole year of hating me huh?”
“Why else do you think I'm doing this? Why else would I agree to this?”
“Maybe cuz it'd make for a very funny scenario don't you think? ‘Hey look at them developing feelings for me just because we stopped trying to kill each other’ sounds hilarious doesn't it?” You don't even know where all this is coming from but you never completely ruled out the prospect of all this being an act on his side.
He didn't think so, that much is visible on his face when you finally find the guts to look at him. Fuck. You just can't stop hurting people in your life huh?
“I'm sorry.” You apologize before you turn to leave, but he doesn't let you. Instead of being angry like you thought he'd be, he just pulls you into a hug. The gesture does something to you that you can't quite figure out.
“Let go of me.” You don't want him to, but you can't find the courage to face this. You're too weak.
“No. I'm not letting you go anywhere.”
“I don't deserve this Hyunjin. Staying for me will get you nowhere. You're stupid if you-”
“Well, I’m sorry I fell in love with you, okay? But it happened and I can’t do shit about it.”
“You… what?” That's not a confession one would expect out of him. But you can't say you didn't do the same.
“You heard me. And I'm not letting you leave without even trying.” You've never heard so much emotion in his voice, even in the few months that you both spent together, you're sure his eyes would be glossy if you look at him now. So you don't.
“But-”
“We need to sort this out, yeah? You can't keep running from everything.”
Your tears always choose the worst time to appear.
“I'm so fucking sorry, I didn't-, I'm not…… used to feeling this way ok?”
“I know. And that's fine. I never expected this to be easy. It's okay.”
“I'm sorry I- I want to trust you. I want to. But it's so difficult..”
“I don't blame you. We both barely know about the things that we had to deal with. Trust doesn't happen without communication does it? That's why we need to talk to each other. About everything. Even the stuff we don't like sharing. Nothing will work without that, right?”
It feels like he knows how to take your jumbled up mess of thoughts and feelings and make sense of it in ways you don't even understand. So you talk, about everything you don't like sharing, about your fears and their origins, about the troubles you have with trusting people, about the insecurities you relate to your image, about the pressure you keep putting on yourself to be the best there is and why you do so.
And he does too, about the way he feels out of control of everything and why that happens, how it feels like an obligation to put his own feelings aside and live by the reputation expected of him, about why loud footsteps or just loud sounds scare him, why yelling brings back bad memories, how he feels like he's carrying a heavy weight from his past along with him wherever he goes, how his coping mechanisms have caused both of you damage.
And by the end of the conversation it doesn't feel so difficult to trust him anymore. He wouldn't hurt you, not on purpose at least. If he does, well, maybe you want to take the chance. For the sake of it. Maybe you don't hate the feeling of vulnerability.
“If I fuck this up,” you look at him as you speak, “promise me you'll leave.”
“You won't. I know.”
“I hope you're right. I'm sorry for being so stupid.”
“If we want this to work the first thing you'll have to do is stop apologizing for everything.” It's almost like you're a toddler being scolded.
“I'm sorr-”
“Not again.”
“Shit my bad-”
“Hey!”
“Okay! I get it! No saying sorry for everything.”
“Good.”
You like his hugs. They're warm. But you also like chaos. So you pinch his waist, the boy is dramatic, of course he jumps and looks at you with the most disbelieving wide eyes.
“What was that for?”
“That was for being stupidly pretty.”
“So we're doing compliments now, darling?” He's never gonna stop doing this is he?
“If you use the tease voice I'll pinch you harder I swear.”
“Not sure I'd mind,” before he can finish the sentence though, you have him trapped between your arms and the dinner table, he seems quite happy with it, “you seem to like me quite a lot, don't you darling?”
“And? What if I do?”
☆⋆｡°☆
Your roommates expected to find stuff when they returned from their homes, but stuff definitely didn't include you and Hyunjin arguing over who gets the last piece of cake. The fight seemed…. unserious.
They definitely didn't expect it to end in you and him sharing the last bit. You and Hyunjin. Sharing. Unheard of.
The real surprise came when they were done unpacking. You caught Felix in his room.
“Hey Lix, guess what?” Poor sweet soul of his, already interested in what you have to say.
“What?”
“I'm dating someone.”
“WHAT? Who?!”
“Try guessing.” He looks confused but attempts nonetheless.
“Soyeon?”
“Look I mentioned her being hot one time. That don't mean I'm dating her.”
“Then who?”
“Who did I spend winter with?” He gives you a look that says ‘bitch tf’.
“Oh come on. I may be a little clueless but there's no fucking way you're dating Hwang Hyunjin.”
“Oh yeah? Why don't you go ask him? He's explaining the same thing to Minho right now.”
You find them in the kitchen, and as you expected, Minho looks like it's a normal day for him. No surprise at all.
Felix however, is quite close to losing it.
“Hyunjin. Tell me they're making a fool of me.” He says, but Hyunjin stays silent and you fear Felix is actually on the brink of insanity.
“What the fuck.” It's almost a whisper when he says it. Both you and Hyunjin cannot hold back your laughter. Their reaction was exactly what you predicted.
Minho is the one who speaks up next.
“Come on, Lix. These two weren’t even that subtle. Where'd you think Hyunjin got that hickey from? Just a few weeks after these two stopped fighting? Why do you think I insisted on leaving them alone together?”
You knew it was his plan. How else would you end up alone with Hyunjin at the most convenient times ever?
“Lee Minho you little fucker, you better sleep with one eye open.” You joke.
“Look at how ungrateful you are. I helped you and you give me death threats? Betrayal,” he's smiling at you, when he turns to Hyunjin however, he looks murderous, “if I hear you hurt my best friend in any way, the world will run out of places for you to hide in. Trust me on that.”
“Enough Min, you'll scare away my boyfriend.”
Boyfriend huh? That felt nice to say.
“Now who's gonna tell Jisung?”
“Let's all just head to his dorm. Help the boy with unpacking too.”
“You seem keen on meeting him, Min. What's the matter?” The question only gets you elbowed in the rib.
Jisung's reaction is as loud as you anticipated but he doesn't seem too surprised, you ask him why.
“Oh Hyunjin always rants about things, I'm his roommate, I figured something was up with you.”
Later, when you have your boyfriend to yourself, you decide to ask him about it.
“So, about what Jisung said”
“Don't believe him, I beg you.”
“Save the begging for other things, I'd say it's pretty plausible, considering you rant about a lot.”
“I do NOT monologue about my crushes, case closed.” Hyunjin really needs to control his fidgeting if he wants to get away with lying.
You cup his face, “Why are you denying it? It's adorable.”
“Not funny?”
“Maybe a little funny.” The urge to kiss his nose is strong, so you don't fight it. You die a little when he scrunches up his face on reflex.
He's adorable and maybe you're a little obsessed.
“I can't believe cornering you somewhere is all it takes to make you blush!” You laugh, because you have him cornered right now. Against his desk this time.
“It is not!” He defends himself to no avail, it makes you laugh, you're growing increasingly fond of him.
“Such a pretty liar, huh? Quit trying to deny it, love.” That's the first affectionate nickname you've given him. And its effect is visible, if the smile on his face is anything to go by.
“Shut up and kiss me.”
“How demanding.” But you do it anyway. And he takes it forward, like he does everytime, this time you're not confused. You want him. He wants you. And it's the best feeling ever. If he walks out of this room with hickeys later on, you don't need to act clueless. He's yours.
But with the way his lips attach to your skin, maybe you'll be the target of your friends’ judgemental glances as well this time. You don't mind. You're his.
If Jisung comes knocking now you're pretty sure you won't hear it over Hyunjin. The boy is sensitive.
☆
“Maybe getting those two together was a bad idea, I can hear them and I'm sitting in a different room!”
“Leave them alone, let's go to ours. We can't keep sitting here any longer like we're not hearing anything.”
☆⋆｡°☆
Hwang Hyunjin, how you love him and how his existence is a slap in the face of your father. He's everything good. But first off he's yours. And he loves you. Maybe clay doesn't need to be broken to be fixed, maybe if you just paint over the fingerprints and love the shapes as they are, you'll see some beauty in it. Hyunjin sees beauty in you that's for sure, he never seems to get tired of drawing you, being someone's muse is a wonderful feeling. He's your muse as well though, with the entire collection of writings he's prompted by simply existing. You recited some to him one day, maybe you'll give him a handwritten version of the rest on his birthday.
☆
You think it's ironic, you're back where you started, movie night in your dorm. Only this time you're tangled up with Hyunjin and the three boys are in a weird heap of limbs. Whatever they are, they're your friends. You're not gonna judge.
But they will definitely keep judging the PDA Hyunjin makes them all witness.
“You're both disgusting!” It's Jisung, and he's pulled back to sit by a worked up Felix. “He meant disgustingly cute!”
“Why are you running damage control? They are disgusting.” That's Minho, just trying to eat his pudding.
This is how you like stuff, cozy, homelike, and a little bit silly.
☆
“HWANG HYUNJIN DID YOU EAT THE LAST CUPCAKE?”
“I didn't know it was yours!” You will chase him around the place until you get payback. You can hear the other boys laughing their asses off at how terrified Hyunjin is.
He tries to take off in the opposite direction of you but is a few seconds late.
“Caught ya! Now apologize!” You pinch his ear and his yelp is the most amusing thing for Jisung, it seems.
“Ow! I'm sorry your majesty! I will never touch your food again.” You almost think you've won before he runs off. You catch him again, obviously. This time in your room.
“You little thief Hwang, I hate you.” You're out of breath and you're laughing. “Hate and love, same thing aren't they, darling?” He will never stop with that teasing tone.
“Hmm, maybe you need a better lesson. You're lucky you're pretty, love.” His hair is messed up and he's slightly out of breath, there's a lopsided grin on his face. He's probably the prettiest being to ever exist.
You lean close and the expression on his face shifts a little, he looks a little doubtful, uncertain, almost vulnerable.
“Do you really want me?” He wants you to affirm it, to assure him.
“You know I do.”
☆⋆｡°☆
#skz#stray kids#kpop#hyunjin#stray kids x reader#skz fluff#hyunjin x reader#skz x reader#skz imagines#skz hyunjin#skz scenarios#skz x you#stray kids imagine#skz imagine#stray kids au#skz fanfic#hwang hyujin imagines#hwang hyunjin
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I was watching a video about Dan Bilzerian, the trust fund baby who ended up wasting the millions of dollars his IRS-escaping daddy left him with, and a part of what brought him to ruin were the outrageous stories he'd tell about his past (he'd say that he had joined the marines, broke both his legs, and then they made him run two miles on them anyways; he made all his money through poker; etc), because people realized they were just too outlandish to be true and started to do detective work to find out the actual truth.
And isn't this what causes all people who fake their backgrounds to be caught, even in fandom? They come up with these stories of abuse that rival both Greek and Shakespearean tragedies put together, and of course people get curious and nosy when they notice that these people, who keep alleging they spend their entire lives suffering, do nothing but blog their days away and harass others under the guise of "I am X and Y and Z, and I think you should go kill yourself for this fic you wrote and if the people who are reading this don't agree with me, then they should know they're white supremacists and when the revolution comes I'll hang them myself in front of their families."
I started this ask by writing a write-up of Tumblr's most infamous fakers (the TOG one, HIVLiving, Discorseprincesa, etc), but then it quickly became paragraphs and paragraphs of words that barely made any sense put one next to the other, and all their stories sound exactly the same.
They are of mixed nationalities, never white, never straight, never Christian, raised in extreme poverty in very poor countries (except for the second fake character of HIVLiving, who was supposedly raised in the US before being trafficked in India), supposedly working minimum-wage jobs because they're minorities and that's what minorities do, even in the countries in which they're not minorities, but always with plenty of time to "educate others" about their identities, except when someone who clearly knows more than them steps into the scene and challenges them, which causes them to bring out the good ol' "Women/LGBT people/POC aren't here to educate you, stop feeling entitled to my time, you misogynist/homophobic/racist piece of shit!"
I don't know, guys, but if you want to fake your identities, maybe, just maybe, you should come up with stories that are a bit more bulletproof and a bit less outlandish (and definitely with more documentation behind them, because going through the write-ups of how these people got caught, it's always something stupid that caused the true investigative work to begin, such as them naming the wrong fruit or asking for donations through the wrong app.)
--
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Hacks Episode 3x09 Thoughts
Okay, so back during S2, I wrote up my thoughts about each pair of Hacks episodes as they dropped – partially for sharing but largely as an archive for myself of my own thoughts/feelings to revisit when I watched the episodes later to see how they held up, how it compared to watch them serially vs. as a whole season, etc. Anyway, I was incredibly stressed out and busy for much of this season (after over a year of that being the key set of words to describe my life), but I wanted to throw out my thoughts about the finale before they grow too stale! And maybe I’ll come back and revisit the prior episodes in posts later when I have the time (hopefully in just a couple short weeks!) to enjoy them properly
As always, disjointed bulleted lists are the name of the game, going from the big picture to the detailed:
Overall, this felt like a very solid episode in the vein of season 1 in many ways! It brought us back to the interpersonal as the primary ground of conflict after many episodes (here and in S2) of the new hour, the special, and the Late Night host gig quest being our main plot drivers (which, at many times, made for weaker storytelling for reasons that exceed the scope of this post!). In particular, I felt like this episode hit its stride around the halfway point, and never really faltered after that in impressive ways!
That being said, I had two somewhat significant critiques of the finale (both of which reflect larger trends about strands of the show that continue to leave me a little disappointed)
We should have seen Marcus' conversation with Deborah about the new job. Period. I'll get into what could have been cut in my second critique, but even if there weren't weak spots in the episode, I still would have been deeply disappointed in the show for this oversight, especially since they apparently filmed it. Although Hacks is clearly a show with a leading duo, it once had a core ensemble, but S2 saw them moved more and more to B-plots and bit roles, and now S3 has seen many of the characters we know and love eliminated almost entirely--a point that's particularly galling given that it's almost entirely characters of color (many of them canonically queer) who have been cut in favor of new white characters. Moreover, this scene would have been SO IMPORTANT - I could have seen it going 2 ways: a) Marcus quits after the convo where Deborah tells Ava she's willing to lose her, and Deborah has a reaction that is so utterly outsized because it's the terror of losing the person she's had with her the longest now compounded with the reality setting in that she's also driven away the woman who gave her new life when she most needed it; or b) Marcus shows up to quit, and Deborah immediately launches into a rant about Ava's leaving, which puts Marcus in the awkward spot of adding to that at a pivotal moment in the career of the woman he's spent much of his adult life with or giving up something he needs to do for himself; it could have been a lovely callback to S1 when he shows up with his whole speech prepared but then accepts the promotion without ever telling Deborah how he feels - only this time Marcus would have changed so much, and he'd have the opportunity to showcase that growth by insisting that he needs to do this for him. So many lost opportunities...
re what could have been cut because imo it did NOT work: Kathy Vance's return. Now, I love Hacks in large part because it insists on the complexity of its characters. No one is purely the victim or the hero of the story, and Deborah's "click" moment showcased that better than anything. AND YET the writing here did not work. Back in the Christmas ep, I messaged a friend saying I was glad that they brought Kathy back but seemed not to ask us to side with her - after all, she comes crashing back into Deborah's life, doesn't take ownership over her actions and in fact insists she was in the right because it only happened a few times, because Deborah wasn't sleeping with him (very "you weren't playing with it, so it's mine now" little sister energy that is deeply unappealing in a grown ass adult), and because they were the "better couple" which is, I'm sorry, NEVER the fucking thing to tell someone whose marriage and life you destroyed. I joked then that I'd take back my compliments if her role in the finale suggested that actually we should be on Kathy's side here. And lo and behold... What's a real bummer is that there were ways to do this better! Because you can have sympathy for an imperfect character--this show is a testament to that fact!--but not like this. We as an audience have no reason to side with Kathy when she insists that Deborah will be worse than ever and berates her for cutting their weekend short. Instead, we see a woman with a large sense of entitlement she's done nothing to earn and directorial choices that don't make it a smooth transition. But what could have been lovely is, for instance, treating the Christmas and finale reunions as these deflationary moments of anticipation and disappointment because they are, after this many decades, essentially strangers to one another. Had we seen two women who longed for the deep affective ties of their childhood relationship only to be confronted with the cold hard fact of their estrangement from one anther, it would have been so much more powerful. And here you could ACTUALLY garner sympathy (some) for Kathy by having it be this moment of "I lost my sister" partially through her own actions "to Late Night once, and now, right when I have a chance to try to build something with her again, I feel like I'm going to lose her again before I can even really try to do right by her this go around." THAT could have worked. This was just too much time on something that did almost nothing in the grand scheme of the plot (because we didn't have the emotional connection to feel it as another compounding loss for Deborah in an episode where Ava's "and you're going to die alone" could have landed with even more force)
Okay so it turns out this is getting hella fucking long, so some shorter praise and giddy feelings things:
I LOVE how often Ava got to say the things we've all been squeeing about for years during this episode - especially that the material is good because of their relationship, not the other way around; their dynamic is not incidental to the work, and that's so important to me personally.
I had guessed that Ava would be offered head writer and quit her current job, only to have it taken away because Deborah was too scared to rock the boat, but I did NOT see the end coming! In fact, I kind of thought Ava might end up suing Deborah for intellectual property theft (using material Ava wrote outside of her contractual appointment for the new show because, surprise surprise, the writers who sucked when she was a guest still suck now compared to Ava!) In fact, I sort of thought that end scene might end up being a return to the car scene, and was relishing the thought of Ava's mimicking Deb's "It'll be fun, honey." But the blackmail as a form of love/devotion was soooo much better. Truly chef's kiss.
Also the way this rewrote the S2 finale even as the underlying message remained the same is so special to me - I'll stay with you even when it's bad for me (sacrificing my career -> sacrificing my morals) because it's good for you and more importantly it's good for us and the work. JPL know how to write a finale, and I'd give up a kidney to have that same energy be there throughout a whole season again (not that the eps are bad, but they lack some of the sharpness in writing and emotional depth that JPL do so well with finales and also often with the first couple eps of a season too)
Lastly JPL going on the record that Deborah was turned on by that final scene + Ava's "I would, wouldn't you?" and "Let's begin" - truly some of the hottest TV. We're so back babyyy. No more half naked superheroes with all the eroticism of a desk chair. Give me messy women determined to fling themselves into the air because they know the thrill is worth everything good and safe they're leaving behind, even if they hit the ground with no parachute!
I have many, many thoughts about S3 and what's to come, but I'll save them for another post because phewww this got long as fuck
#hacks hbo#hacks season 3 finale#hacks 3x09#deborah vance#ava daniels#my thoughts#this has not been proofread ill get around to it later lmao#my meta
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10 Plot Premises That Never Get Old
There’s a great many lists out there complaining about the worst and most overused tropes in fiction. I want to pass the mic to tropes that will never get old. The love-to-hate ones, the knife-twisting ones, the shipping fodder.
1. Killing the character who knew too much
Or, the “Maes Hughes” effect. Your story centers around a massive mystery or conspiracy and one lone character is unfortunately not genre-savvy enough to remember that the phrase “the early bird gets the worm” ends in “but the second mouse gets the cheese”.
This is the character who has unraveled the partial, if not entire truth, coming to a shocking realization moments before their untimely murder. Usually, they’re alone. Usually, this death rocks the remaining characters, sometimes for the entirety of the remaining plot (see FullMetal Alchemist). Usually, they become genre-savvy at exactly the moment they realize there’s no way out of this. Conveniently, they’re never on the phone with the right person, or there’s never any cell service. They didn’t write their findings down or didn’t hit record.
This whole entire tragedy is only a tragedy because this character made the wrong choice that is also the only choice this character would have made.
2. The enemy of my enemy
As OSP once said, anyone can be a minion, even the presumed Big Bad. Whether it’s a serialized cartoon with well established sides of good and bad or a single movie, having two entities that loathe each other reluctantly and bitterly join forces to deal with an even Bigger Bad… that’s the good stuff.
Either the villain has been minion-ed, or the good guys and the bad guys’ enduring battle of morals is interrupted by a wild card third party that insults them both or threatens the world both sides are trying to save in their own ways.
This is *not* a redemption arc. This is the temporary alliance that usually terminates once the threat is dealt with (see: Transformers Prime, or ‘Marabounta’ from Code Lyoko). Extra points if they’re age-old rivals who fight better together than the hero does with the rest of their team. Extra extra points if they both realize this and firmly deny that it happens (and even more if the villain tries to exploit the hero with this fact later on).
3. The redemption arc
***Emphasis on the word ‘arc’*** The ones that span 56 out of 61 episodes (see: you know the show). The ones that cost the redeemer their ideals, the friends they thought they had on the wrong side, maybe a limb or two. The ones that start with a villain so convinced they’re right, only to slowly question everything they’ve come to know and, without shedding their entire personality, do the right thing and still survive the process.
This is not redemption equals death. This is not a half-assed heel turn at the very last second—that’s a button mash impulsive act for shock value. This is taking a character almost all of the heroes have given up on trying to save, someone they themselves have nearly written off, and deciding to try anyway. This is a character deciding to do the right thing even if it doesn’t ever redeem them at all. This is a character whose whole life ahead of them is spent doing better than what was done before, and we love them for it.
4. The haunted ashes of a fallen empire
This one is a bit more tricky to define but think Prometheus of the Alien franchise, or Xerxes from FMAB. These are characters in the present exploring the ruins of a civilization that never should have fallen, but did due to the Big Bad they either created or tried to imprison. This is those characters looking around at what used to be, and making history repeat itself whether they’re genre-savvy or not.
These are the glaring red sign posts telling the heroes to turn around every step further in *or else* and they do it anyway. Or, these are the heroes who know exactly what happened and in their own hubris, are convinced it won’t happen this time to them.
5. The Most Dangerous Game
The originator: An island owned by a big game hunter who has evolved into hunting humans. The trope: Powerful and/or incredibly skilled character in any other situation is trapped in the confines of a dwindling clock matched up against the very antithesis of who they are and what they represent, but who is also just like them.
I just love seeing characters who are normally incredibly competent and rarely fazed, tripped up by the horror of being hunted by someone just like them who lost their humanity. So many juicy existential questions arise, so much angst. Double points if the character has a firm no-kill policy or extremely picky morals and has to wager tossing them aside to survive.
6. Stranger in a strange land
Whether it’s a character in a foreign country trying to learn and respect the ways of the people who saved them (see: Last Samurai, or Avatar '09), or an alien who crash-landed on Earth and struggles to assimilate and not get caught by the government (see any PG 13 alien adventure movie), a time traveler to the past or the future (Outlander, Back to the Future), either drama or hilarity ensues, often with a heaping helping of socio-political commentary.
It gets kind of troublesome when the writer is a white guy taking all the wrong messages from throwing his white guy protagonist into a land of the ‘savages’ (see uhhhh all variations of Pocahontas). But then you have strange lands like Wonderland, or Narnia.
7. Magical Otherworlds
Speaking of Narnia and Wonderland—magical hidden otherworlds. They can be incredibly blandly executed sometimes, but some of our most cherished stories come from living vicariously through Harry Potter or the Pevensie siblings. In this case I’m specifically talking about complete otherworlds, not hidden-in-plain-sight otherworlds (see: Percy Jackson) because of the complete freedom and creativity you have in geography, history, and world mechanics.
The possibilities are endless! Double points if the otherworld is a metaphor for childhood adventure and living without adult responsibilities (see: Peter Pan), a world in which we know, no matter how cool the world is, the protagonist was never meant to stay there. They must always inevitably, inexorably, return home and take what they’ve learned there to live a better and profound life.
8. “I know you’re in there somewhere”
Is it done to death? Yes. Is every situation different because it’s completely dependent on the relationship between the characters involved? Also yes. Tends to overlap with a redemption arc, but more often a hero-turned-temporary-villain. The drama! The angst! The shipping fodder! (see: many, many anime, too many to count)
This trope also has some uncertainty to it. You never know if the confrontation will be a success, if the character in question will commit some heinous act to wrack them with guilt later, if they even want to be saved, or if they really were saved and not just faking it. Either we get a POV of the stricken character’s battle in the mind or are left watching on the edge of our seat as unknowing as those trying to save them, and sometimes, rarely, they’re just not salvageable.
9. On the Run
The base has been discovered, the ship has been overrun, the house has burned down, the government is on the hunt. The hero team is forced apart with only the clothes on their back and what they can carry with only one or two others and loses all contact with most of their team, scattered to the wind. They leave a trail of sketchy motel rooms and diner take-away boxes, or they sleep in their car, or are forced to hide out in old bases that the villain definitely knows about but wouldn’t bother checking, built in a bygone era with a friend that’s no more.
Everything they ever knew has been called into question. The character they find themselves stuck with wasn’t their closest buddy on the hero team, but both forge a newfound respect for each other in this new unknown. Poignant conversations are had as one keeps watch in the dark so the other can sleep, and yet doesn’t, as they mourn the passing of the life both knew and vow to take it all back in their darkest hour.
10. The Thing
As in, a mysterious entity or illness has invaded the story and knowing which characters are infected and compromised is impossible. This entity either bodysnatches other characters and can be expunged, zombifies them, or kills and replicates them (see many zombie shows, iterations of The Thing, or “Croatoan” from Supernatural). This entity is a sickness slowly spreading throughout the town or the base or the ship and the heroes (or villains) realize far too late that something is very, very wrong.
This entity brings characters to their breaking point, paranoia making them do very bad things in the name of survival, killing off characters the audience knows is clean, but their murderer doesn’t, for extra knife-twisty fun. This entity brings a morally devout character near to ruin as they almost cross a line trying to do what’s right. This is an entity where, even when it’s defeated, is never really gone for certain… is it?
#writing resources#writing a book#writing tools#writing#writeblr#character design#tropes#fullmetal alchemist#atla#the most dangerous game#the thing#redemption arc
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Worm in the Apple (the Wormton AU fic) is at 120k words! Obviously the worm guy loves apples, fruit, and sugary stuff in general, though it holds no nutritional value for him. It's fitting, since most of the "worms" found in apples are actually just some form of insect, just like how Wormton himself isn't an actual worm. Being as contradicting as possible is his whole thing, I suppose.
May blithering helminth codswallop posthaste be upon thee if thoust must ruminate over thine virulent and insiduous merchant Sir Spammington G. Spammington The Deceitful:
Anyways, I've been struggling to write the depressing crap, so I often like to imagine the ending where they can all be happy together in Castle Town. I interpret Castle Town as a place where darkners are less bound to fate, since it doesn't seem to manifest from the real world, and is made of pure darkness, whatever that means. Wormton wouldn't have to hide anymore, but he would very much be, uh, neutralized if he tries to infect anything. He wouldn't get to have sixteen identical feral worm children that look like slightly smaller mirror images of him crawling all around the place, unfortunately; Castle Town could do without a highly invasive species that eats and destroys everything. I imagine that he'd keep the suit jacket so that he actually has some pockets, as well as to hide himself a little bit. Malworms naturally like to stay outside of the spotlight, so he's not very comfortable without his disguise. Not that being crammed inside his disguise was much more comfortable, but, hey, what other option did he have?
I like to imagine the addisons getting stuck with Wormton in Castle Town due to it having greater population density. I'm considering making it so that they don't even know he's there at first, like those criminal cases where some guy is living in a family's attic for months unnoticed. He'll have the opportunity to harass Swatch, interact with other characters like Lancer, and send "mild" death threats to Rouxls. I think he'd avoid Kris and the other lightners. He tries to kill Kris and absorb the SOUL from the get-go, and the two of them lack that puppet connection, since Wormton never picked up the phone. Still, he does pick up on their stilted movements that mimic his own when he's puppeteering his disguise, and does realize that the SOUL is a little more controlling than he would want, so they eventually reach a peaceful conclusion (This AU follows the pacifist normal route. This cold-blooded mf would probably just go into hibernation and do absolutely nothing if the player did a Weird Route). He's still pissed about them taking his shadow crystal, even if the starry night sky it once let him witness will never shine through its surface again. Kris is such a gremlin from what we know that I think it would he sweet if he valued the fact that, while they find his puppet-like disguise creepy, they're unfazed by his real appearance. Kris can go on his "people I don't fantasize about murdering and eating regularly" list, which might just be his "nestmates :^]" list if he'd actually admit it
Back to writing about him hating himself so much that he can't fathom someone healing him unless it was a transactional favor, hiding in a locket closet with no stimulation because he thinks he's trying to kill Blue whenever he's in an instict-driven half-asleep state (emphasis on thinks), believing the only reason that Blue is worried about him hiding so much is because they want him to leave faster, understanding so little of his actual species that he becomes stressed when he does anything that "isn't normal," Having fits of anger and mental breakdowns and feeling bad about it afterwards, using the worst coping mechanisms known to man, and devouring an entire 16 inch regular crust meat lover's pizza in one sitting
Cover art concept as a lil treat. Probably won't actually draw it until I'm ready to start releasing chapters, but it's fun to think about for now. I'll do my best to live up to expectations as someone with zero experience writing fiction and long-form content in general o7
#spamton#deltarune#spamton fanart#wormton au#cheesycatz art posts#cheesycatz text posts#I want to throttle him until he learns how to cope with emotion#can't have spamton fanfiction without 100k+ words of suffering before the first fluff scene
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Okay we're done getting really mad about bug game worldbuilding. If you are interested in seeing us get extremely mad about Bug Fables' consistently shoddy worldbuilding, then it is below the cut. We'll tag this properly in like a week so it doesn't haunt the main tag for everyone who might not want to read 1.8k words of a random author getting really fucking mad about shoddy worldbuilding.
We've done a lot of stuff with worldbuilding for Bug Fables. Our handling of Bugaria itself is, we will admit, not quite canon-typical. There's a lot going on, and not all is easy to work with. We know from the game itself that Bugaria is surrounded by hostile deadlands, making outside trade difficult and often-lethal - we also know, from being able to observe the in-game map as a human with outside perspective, that Bugaria is contained within a single backyard.
For the game proper, this is fine. It lends itself well to the "borrower" type aesthetic that the devs appear to prefer, limits the scope of the in-game map, and allows for them to do significantly less legwork trying to figure out how to design things. We, however, are a man obsessed with semantics, and we know too much about the amount of food and territory generally required for one hive of wasps or bees to buy into one suburban backyard that's... what, 60 square meters of backyard?
IRL honeybees alone will forage up to, on average, 1-6 km away from their hives, potentially going up to 13 km, and though there's been less research done into the habits of other colony bugs, it's fairly safe to assume they'd need similar range - more likely greater range, actually, as any form of what we humans call "higher intelligence" is incredibly demanding, resource-wise. Bugaria has four different kingdoms of social bugs, many of which would have overlapping needs for resources, combined with a whole load of other miscellanous solitary bugs. loaded into the space of a single backyard that likely wouldn't account for the range of a single hive of honeybees, let alone four hives of miscellaneous bugs and venus-knows-how-many solitaries.
In order to survive in any place, you need to fulfil the requirements of life. Food, water, and shelter are basic needs for a reason, and without access to all three, settlements are likely to quickly peter out. In order for The Hive to process nectar into honey, they first need nectar, which would have to come from flowers, which would be the exact same food source that wasps, butterflies, and moths would need, which clearly aren't growing in the needed
Put quite simply, it would be really fucking difficult for a space of this size to support the presented numbers of bugs. Plants are not an infinite resource, and even assuming that there's a density of flowers far beyond what's shown in-game, there's still predatory bugs to consider. Wasps and ants need protein to feed their grubs, dragonflies and damselflies need protein to feed themselves, mantises and mantidflies are obligate carnivores that cannot survive without a steady supply of prey- you can't survive if you never eat, and Bug Fables is incredibly low on lesser bugs that could potentially serve as food for the more predatory bugs.
Canon offers only aphids and cochineals as cattle, and those still wouldn't really serve to feed larger predatory bugs - and that's even without noting the ecological desert that results from only ever having a handful of enemies. We know that there are limits to what you can do in a game, but the second you want to expand on life beyond what's shown, you run straight into the lack of known prey and wildlife like smacking right into a brick wall. Roaches raise scorpions in a wasteland that seems to have only Mystery Berries for food unless they're trying to hunt Deadlanders, which we doubt are particularly edible. The Royal Blade of the Ant kingdom is an obligate carnivore, and there's nowhere he can go if he wants to buy lunch.
Realistically, we know that the answer is "the devs didn't really think about it". This game is built on the work of devs who persistently place "because it looks cool" over doing any of the worldbuilding work to integrate their existing story elements into the world. You only have to look to Yin to see just how many parts of the game are riddled with things added purely because Someone Thought It Might Be Cool, and no one did any further legwork to make it WORK. The Termacade is a living monument to the philosophy, being added A WEEK before release without anyone so much as communicating it was going to happen before it was in active development.
Unfortunately, we are permanently obsessed with semantics, we can't stand "because magic" as an answer to important worldbuilding questions, and every time we have to do all the legwork to fill massive holes in the setting where no one ever thought that the answers to questions like "how the fuck do these people feed themselves" is relevant, we will be sadly prone to falling into madness.
There is no canon answer to how these bugs feed themselves. There is no indication as to how things that should be basic parts of the setting WORK. The bugs, in the first place, are written persistently as more People With Hats than actual BUGS - there are nods made to biology, sure, but the difference between a wasp and a bee is little more than a set of aesthetics and a silly hat. There are enough elements in the game that are simply thrown in without care of how they interlock that it sometimes becomes genuinely maddening.
Some people, sure, are satisfied with this - there is a madness that we have that we lack, a need for SUBSTANCE that is prone to driving us to inadvisable lengths hunting for a hint - any hint - that there was care put into this detail, rather than a single flippant comment. We have no complaint with things left vague, but we VERY MUCH have a problem when the setting is consigned to being little more than a backdrop decorated with random glittery ideas to act out anime tropes on, rather than something that should be paid attention to all its own.
We've said this before, and we'll say it many times again, but worldbuilding is important for a REASON. Your setting will affect your characters just as strongly as it will affect your story - your plot, your setting, and your characters are fundamentally inertwined, and to affect ANY part of the story will have rippling impacts on the rest of it. Your characters are not created in a void! Whatever structures created one person MUST still be present to shape others! You cannot throw shiny ideas on a canvas slapdash and expect it to turn out well! It's a miracle that the character writing in this game turned out as well as it did, considering that massive swathes of the setting are loosely assembled from anime without even taking the time to learn how certain aspects WORK in their home media!
We enjoy writing. We enjoy crafting plots, doing worldbuilding, tinkering with the little pieces of setting that we feel might create something interesting. We wouldn't be writing at all if we didn't enjoy it on some level, though we sometimes wonder if it's more masochism than care for some aspects. This is the trade that we have chosen to work towards working. Perhaps it is this that makes it so violently infuriating when we run into people who don't seem to care for that which we pay attention to.
There are a handful of aspects in this game that are well done. There are far more aspects in this game that are half-baked at best and actively difficult to work into the rest of the world at worst. There is a particular handful of aspects that are so poorly done that they could pass as active malice, towards one group or another. Unfortunately, as with many things, to assume ill will often overlooks the far more pervasive, far more common culprit of simple negligence.
Bug Fables, at its core, is a game made by devs with chronic shiny-object syndrome. There is little care spared to its worldbuilding, to the implications of its setting, to the implications of character actions, because the devs have never cared to think on it. It takes tropes from a hundred and one different animes without caring to learn what makes them work in their home context - just that they're cool, and that the authors want them in their own work.
It's something that we've been guilty of ourself, in previous works, but that only makes it easier for us to spot it here. There is an mirror of mistakes we have made ourself written on the walls, and it echoes with every step. We are the sort of author who learned to build worlds by stealing shards from different worlds and patching them into a new quilt. This is a work that takes does much the same, taking pieces from other works to make a new whole, but it makes the mistake of not spending the time to make sure those pieces FIT.
The mosaic on the floor is made of broken, disparate parts that are only partially fit together. The world falls apart more and more the closer you look at its shards. There are pieces of harm in this painting, pictures of pain, things put together and only barely examined. There is prejudice that could pass for malice woven into the threads of even the more comedic writing, an undercurrent commonly present in society and rarely examined. They've made an entire species of bugs into an incomprehensibly racist trope. Perhaps it's foolish of us to spend so much time and energy on a world that does not love us back, but we care for this setting, and we care for the potential of what it could have been.
The prejudice and shoddiness and pieces of poorly-thought-out and tropey writing in this work are not an act of malice. They are an act of ignorance, left over from a development team that wanted to add the latest shiny thing without stopping to think that their favorite anime tropes might have roots in something rotten.
Anyways, the reason that we wind up putting so many fucking footnotes on our fics is that every time we have to answer basic questions like "how does the wasp kingdom fucking feed itself" we have to rewrite, like, half a dozen tropes ripped off from shitty isekai anime, come up with an entire power structure and system of government that could potentially exist in this universe, write 2000 words of geopolitical bullshit minimum, reinvent animal agriculture, create at least one brand new species of bug, and then battle our conviction to avoid cushioning or avoiding the implied Fucked Up Elements that are Very Much Present In The Base Work if chronically ill-addressed vs the question of if we Want to include this particular brand of Fucked Up Bullshit or if we'd actually rather avoid having to reckon with the aftermath of yet another poorly-thought-out trope ripped from Trapped In Another World With My Smartphone.
#we speak#if you like TIAWWMS then this isnt intended as a jab at you btw it was the most trashy sounding isekai we could think of like#Off The Top Of Our Head#we often find that the lack of ill intent can be WORSE to deal with than if there was any actual malice#because on one hand you have people writing it because they genuinely hold these beliefs and are prejudiced against you#and on the other hand you have people for whom it's simply never occurred to them that writing an entire species#as Unenlightened Savages who speak nonsense and are aggressive for no reason and are Not People in the Same Way Normal People Are#even though they're People the same as every other person in the setting that they Havent arbitrarily decided is Savage And Unreasonnable#might be a tiny bit racist#a genuine jab hurts less than one made of negligence we think. at least with one of them there's a clear intent of purpose#tho we are ofc biased in all things#anyways this shit is also part of the reason we take so fucking long to write fic#bc we will have to fill in One background detail and have to look things up and wind up getting pissed abt the prison-industrial complex#unfortunately we dont think we're actually capable of fixing this so itll probably just Keep Happening forever#and then we're not very good at articulating ourself under stress so we struggle to word this out at times when it might Matter
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my current job has me doing a lot of standing/walking around a museum with little to do but think, so i've been trying to fantasy book a final feud for sami and kevin. context being the build to kevin's hypothetical retirement, where his final match will be with sami of course (barring his inevitable returns to the ring as a hall of famer to put over rising talent). i was trying to think how you could make a feud work with them one last time without it just seeming like turning back the clock. cause while they have fought on and off since kevin's wwe debut, they never fully figured out their shit until this year, and now their bond feels sure, not vulnerable to betrayal the way it has been in the past. i ended up imagining the most self indulgent wish fulfilment scenario possible culminating in a 2 out of 3 falls match for the universal title which sami wins off a heel-turned kevin. warning it's so so cheesy. and way too many things at once. ahem,
the build starts with universal champion!kevin unhappy and lashing out, because despite having the world title he knows he's near the end, and he has no one in his corner on smackdown (they kind of have to be on separate brands and have been growing apart again for this to work). it's almost as hollow as his first universal title reign, and his charming sarcasm has curdled into ugly bitterness.
then sami comes out of the woodwork on Raw, titleless but still doing very well as one of the top babyfaces, still optimistic despite everything. and maybe he hasn't been calling kevin or getting coffee with him as much as they used to. he's just so busy lately! but now kevin's going back to his old ways and he has to try and talk him down. it goes about as well as you'd expect, kevin starting off cordial and warm before the resentment quickly bubbles up and he starts slinging lower blows than he has in years, specifically at sami once again proving unable to keep up with him as a champion-level competitor. kevin wasn't even trying to get in the world title picture until recently, he practically took it in his sleep! how long's sami been vainly trying to snag the WHC? what about that historic anti climax at elimination chamber 2023? (NB kevin doesn't get the title off roman in my mind but im not booking that far back) face it, he snarls to a dismayed-but-sadly-not-that-surprised sami, the only meaningful gold he was ever getting was with kevin by his side.
he basically forces sami to challenge him for that universal title, pushing his buttons every way he can. sami's pretty reluctant at first, not wanting to fall for kevin's mind games all over again, and really thinking they were past this shit. but unfortunately he's sami and one thing about sami is he falls in the trap even when he knows it's a trap, and he just cannot resist such a blatant challenge. it's cesaro, neville, strowman, roman, everyone who's told him to his face he'll never be that guy and to just stay down. and, well, after their first match up in a long while, his age old obsessions with proving those guys wrong and with fighting kevin owens forever take over, and they're all set for wrestlemania. (or summerslam. i'm not too proud)
it's 2 out of 3 falls because that kind of feels like the perfect way to cap it all off, the format that put sami zayn on the map in the first place, and the one that lets kevin owens Fucking Finally do his package piledriver into a successful pin without giving him the match. here my novice understanding of good match planning comes up short. they would come up with something extremely brilliant and heartbreaking, but my thinking was the pin order goes sami-kevin-sami - with the first pin coming quite a way into the match, and the second quick on its heels. they'll do all their favourite callbacks except battleground cause that one has been overdone by this point even if it is the most poetic one. it's visceral and violent but also kind of joyous. and very melancholic. fully them, basically.
the emotional arc is focused a little more on kevin, who is tired and angry and consciously trying to embody the monster he always used to be against sami, hardening himself up. there's one moment towards the end where sami's down, the ref's incapacitated and kevin gets a chair, face full of murderous intent until he actually gets to sami, where he just stops. doesn't even seem to have an internal conflict about hitting him with it, just stands there, waits for sami to notice him and flinch back, and then waits some more, locking eyes with sami in a silent conversation while he gets back to his feet, before tossing the chair aside and punching him in the head. (cue their beloved #1 single, Hockey Punches of Love.)
sami wins the world title at long last, and everything is beautiful. any apparent hatred that was fuelling this match evaporates the milisecond it ends. because it was never really about kevin not believing in him, but kevin wanting more than anything for sami to get the official recognition he deserves, and wanting no one else to take the title off him, knowing how to play the game (both the in-universe manipulation and his characteristic genre awareness), and above all, kevin wanting to fight his best friend one last time. he tries to let sami have the moment to himself, dragging himself to the corner of the ring too exhausted to even stand, but sami won't have it, not after what they just did, not after their last match. they hug the life out of each other, and cut a couple of very emotional promos on each other that probably come directly from their real actual hearts so I wouldn't try and script them here.
that's all i have. i'd be interested to know what the twc thinks re: these two in another feud/if they should even have one!
#sami zayn#kevin owens#zowens#fantasy booking#long post#the amount of head fanfic i've written for tehse 2 during my shifts man. boredom takes me to great places.#not writing a word of most of it because it is entirely made up of the angstiest/hurtcomfortest possible scenarios x100
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May I present you a rough translation of the abomination of a text i wrote in my korean exam:
Hello
[Self introduction]
Last month i bought a water purifier* at the water purifier shop and it's already broken.
[Me not knowing how exactly a water purifier works]: There’s no water coming out.
[Me not knowing what exactly a water purifier is good for]: We have a party next weekend, so we need water. Therefore the water purifier needs to be fixed by Friday.
My phone number is 000111000. If i don't answer my phone please sent me an email to [email protected].
*truth be told I'm only like 55% certain the words meant water purifier. It would be very funny if it was something completely different lmao
#im too afraid to look up the word#tHe WaTer pUrIFieR sHoP#unmatched creativity#선생님 im so sorry#you don't deserve this ahahah#also the Other text was just translation#but the sentence 'i want to tell my colleagues that I love them' made my brain bluescreen#also i realized afterwards that i had most of the grammar correct originally before i changed everything (:#aaand the text for reading comprehension was really easy#but i couldn't understand the questions for shit#i simply had no idea what it said even though there were only two words i didn't recognize#i just wrote some random stuff just in case there might be something to give me points for in there lmao#ok#anyway#now I'll have to prepare something for my thesis to show my professor tomorrow#otherwise i can't register my thesis and then i won't get to finish by march 15 which then would lead to me losing my master program spot#and therefore also my chance to go to korea and also my entire future essentially ahaha (no pressure)#then tomorrow i will stay awake again all night to study for my korean oral exam and on Wednesday to Thursday night I'll#stay awake to prepare a proposal for my term paper (that i won't write until mid march which i can't tell her#because the deadline is march 31 and she wants us to start working asap. and i can't tell her about the ba situation#it's too humiliating#okay anyway. that meeting with my professor tomorrow scares me to death but it's gonna be f i n e#shut up amy#university ramblings
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i keep trying to imagine what the smallville writers room was like and what they were thinking when it came to certain decisions, particularly lana's character arc.
(this is long im so sorry i dont know where it all came from)
so okay. they're writing this show about superman's origins, and they're plotting out where the characters will end up, and since it's technically a prequel, they already know how each main character's story is going to end: clark will become superman, lex will become his nemesis, and lana is going to be his ex-girlfriend.
they clearly wrote clark and lex's relationship with the intention of reaching those endings. they knew and we knew that clark and lex would eventually fall out and lex would become a villain. they foreshadowed it constantly, even as early as season 1. and with each new season they showed clark and lex's relationship deteriorate and lex's character regress just a little bit more. sure, there was a little back and forth here and there where they tried to repair their friendship but overall, it was a pretty steady decline. there was never truly a question of whether lex could turn himself around, even if we wanted him to. especially after first two or three seasons, that became pretty clear. it seemed like the writers knew that they were writing a tragedy when it came to clark and lex (there were so many references to julius caesar and hamlet and other classic tragedies lmao).
i think that's why i liked it so much - the tragedy of it all, where you find yourself hoping for a different ending despite knowing that ultimately it will end badly, is what makes it so compelling to watch. it's effective because they make you hope for a happy ending before taking it away.
so what i don't get is, why did they drag out clark and lana's relationship and frame them with the Will They, Won't They trope, when they know and we know that They Won't? why didn't they instead let their relationship reach its natural conclusion and let lana's character grow and progress past their terrible relationship? why didn't they approach this story as a tragedy in the same way they approached clark's other major relationship on the show (outside of the one with his parents) -- his relationship with lex?
like their constant back and forth was already annoying to watch, but even more so when you know that they're ultimately going to break up and none of it will really matter. they Could have made it matter to us emotionally by writing an actual compelling romance that we would be sad to see end like they did with clark and lex's friendship, but they didn't. when they finally end things eight (!!! kill me!!!) whole seasons in, i didn't feel any sadness or loss, i just felt so relieved (especially because those episodes in season 8 were just so bad overall lmao). i just thought, oh finally. thank god.
it's just that part of the reason the writing of lana's character is so frustrating to me is because there were so many places to take it, since they basically put No effort into developing her as an individual, (and i personally believed she was headed to a darker place character-wise and i have a whole story idea for how it could've happened but i'm already rambling too much), but i could never see what little potential she had actually lead Anywhere because they kept dragging her back to the same terrible relationship repeatedly and there was never any satisfying conclusion for her and i just find that so Aggravating
anyway, considering that she's like the third main character on the show, i just think they did her a huge disservice
#smallville#dctv#this got so long omg i didn't mean for it to#if anyone actually reads this i apologize because i didn't proofread at all#i just love analyzing tv writing and have no place to put this word vomit lol#and i have literally not been able to stop thinking about this show for like a year#and one of the main things i haven't been able to stop thinking about is lana's character and how terribly written it was#like obviously the writing for all of the characters and the show overall had a lot of flaws#but lana just stood out to me the most because shes a main character for so long#and i spent the first like 8 seasons of the show perpetually irritated and most of the time it was because of her#and chloe lmao but that's just because i hate chloe#i dont hate lana exactly its more like. i hate that they never give her a chance for me to like her lol#i even thought up this Entire arc for lana that could've been so much better becuase i haven't been able to stop thinking#about how bad her arc is lmao#actually i have this whole other rant about how she's just another in a long list of examples#of how men need to get better at writing women in science fiction/superhero fiction#there's this essay i found on how women are written in science fiction that immediately made me think of her#but anyway this post is already so long its embarrassing#truly humiliating to be writing such a long post about a show that ended like a decade ago
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trying to juggle my nano project and the band au (i can’t bear to abandon it for an entire month) is honestly kind of fun ? they’ve got completely different vibes so it’s nice going from my initially quite depressing nano thing to my silly fic <3
#wrote a scene where my sweet baby renhli gets shouted at and it made me sad#so when i was finished i opened up band au and got to write about maidris being so oblivious it hurts <3#great balance i love it#the focus is obviously still on nano but as soon as i have those 1667 words for the day i am OUT of that doc and into band au#granted i don’t get very much of band au written because all my energy is spent on nano but ! any amount of words is progress !#will this momentum last the entire month ? unlikely#but i am making the most of it while it lasts <3
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Alright, so: I want to explain a little more about this connection between the Twilight fandom, Fifty Shades of Grey, and seemingly, the self-publishing industry as a whole. It's a lot, so I'm going to have to chip away at it a bit at a time, and I think the best place to start is by describing the scene in late 2000s Twilight fandom.
In 2009, Twilight was one of the biggest fandoms in the world, although it was nearly invisible to outsiders because it
Was about a straight couple, while most other fandoms were predominantly gay, and
Was conducted almost entirely on fanfiction.net among a group of people who had little other background in fandom. (x)
That meant for many Twilight fans, Twilight was fandom. It was all they knew, and many had no path out. That also made it a corked champagne bottle with the pressure building.
Because of these community dynamics and the declining quality of the Twilight books themselves, Twilight fanfiction evolved to be mostly AUs so alternate they were more-or-less original romance novels that used Bella and Edward as broad character templates. (x)
Seriously, Twilight fandom got really crazy big for a few years there. It was not totally uncommon to get multi-million clicks on a semi-popular story. It's weird looking back on it and calling it "Twilight fandom" because it was really more like "Romance Novel fandom". For real, for a period there, calling a Twilight fanfic author a 'Twilight fan' would be the ultimate insult. But they never stopped writing about Edward and Bella! It's so weird. (x)
If you were in 2000s era fandom, you're probably aware of the phenomenon of Big Name Fans and the various social-climbing dynamics that happened around them. The Twilight fandom took this social power game another level:
This wasn't even just an author thing. There were Big Name Authors (BNAs) but there were also Big Name Readers. These were basically like... full-time rabid fans of a BNA. They devoted so much of their time to helping out the BNAs, reviewing their chapters, making them fanart, promoting their fics, kissing their asses with cringe-worthy intensity, you name it. Which is why you saw what looked like BNAs having 'employees', such as Moi, tby789's Director of Marketing. (x)
It became apparent that these power games weren't just for fandom clout. The fandom was proving that that social power could be translated into real-world dollars. You see, the Twilight fandom used to organize charity auctions where big name authors would auction off custom fanfiction, and the money generated was substantial:
Mostly authors would auction off stories. So if you donated in my name, I'd write you 10,000 words of porn in my Tattward universe, or something new, etc. That's how it worked.
The 2009 auction raised $80,000.
The 2010 auction raised $140,000.
The 2011 auction raised $20,00. [NOTE: this is likely a typo] (x)
A lot of these dynamics were not unique to the Twilight fandom, but it was the combination that created a perfect storm of opportunism. This would end up changing not just fandom dynamics but the publishing industry as a whole.
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𝓨𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓛𝓸𝓻𝓭
"𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝑜𝒽, 𝒾𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝑔𝓇𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓂𝑒 𝓈𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝒶 𝓅𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓈𝓊𝓇𝑒.”
CW: Fem reader (she/her), possessiveness, suggestive
Note: This is my first time writing something like this and posting it...go easy on me o(>< )o
The chandlers decorated the ceiling above the spacious ballroom, giving a gentle glow to the people filling said ballroom. The social season has just started to blossom, giving men and women room to court each other if one is blessed with the opportunity for such an experience. Catching the eye of a reliable suitor is quite troublesome– most of the men here do not fit any of your requirements, and if they did, they would suddenly be caught in a scandal of sorts, causing them to be an outcast. Not a good look on you or your family name.
You idly toy with the fan in your hand, your gaze sweeping over the sea of faces in the room. The task at hand feels insurmountable, and finding a suitable suitor in this town is daunting. Perhaps, you muse, debuting late was a misstep, a decision that now seems to mock you. You could always become a spinster…and ruin your reputation and lineage because you choose such an idiotic choice… regrettably it may be the easier option.
“Pray tell why you’re glued to this corner as if you’re some wallflower,” A witty baritone voice whispers in your ear, the hairs of your neck standing upright while a cold shiver runs down your spine.
The sense of familiarity washes over you, and the resentment still lingers from years ago makes its way forward. The Earl’s son, your childhood close friend, who left you without a word after he said he’d be there for you.
What a bastard
“Have you ever heard of personal space? Or have you forgotten the amount of lectures your mother ingrained into your head on etiquette when you were just a brat?” You bite back with venom coating every word you spit out. You place your fan on your left ear.
”Ah, I see.” He steps back and gives you space. “You’ve become cold-hearted towards me since my departure overseas. I was only gone for a mere moment.” He switches his position from behind you to in front of you. He takes up your whole vision, his maturity, more evident now since the last time you saw him as a juvenile boy. It's been a few years, hasn't it? Yet he still has his teasing nature; no boarding school or amount of lectures can take that away from him.
He bows a little lower than he should, his right hand to the opposite shoulder and his left arm behind his back. He looks up at you with those oh-so-regretful grey eyes. “I wholeheartedly apologize for departing overseas in such an impulsive matter without even notifying you in any way. I should’ve sent you letters and a hoard of messenger doves to accompany you”. “But I did not, and for that, my Lady, I've made a significant sin in your eyes– I do not deserve your forgiveness, but oh, if you could grant me such a pleasure.”
His voice is as quiet and soft as a starving mouse stealing food from a kitchen, careful for only your ears to pick up his pleas for forgiveness. Just as though you were a goddess punishing him, which he should be reprimanded tenfold in his eyes, who was he to abandon you without a trace? Though the situation before was entirely out of his hands, he didn’t want to go to that goddamned private school that was away from you; he fought tooth and nail not to go. Every house servant had to push and hold him down because he kept fighting; even his family members were victims of his wrath. His father, The Earl, still has fading scars from that night years ago.
He should’ve fought harder for you.
People around you start noticing; who wouldn’t? One of the most prestigious Earls of this country’s only son is bowing dishonourably low, borderline grovelling like a peasant caught stealing a measly loaf of bread. You feel eyes turning onto you, women whispering between their fans to one another, wondering in what predicament the next-in-line Earl would be for him to be embarrassingly bowing to a one-of-a-mill daughter of a viscount—a rank lower than him and a woman at that; your fan placement is not making it look better. Immediately change the position of your fan from your left ear to twirling it in your left hand, hoping he understands the situation he has put not only him but you in.
He only smiles in return. “Stand straight; You look like a fool.” You hiss, “Do I have your forgiveness, Darling?” a scoff escapes your mouth. “That is either here or there! Be proper. Others are watching.” That doesnt deter him, nor does he care about them. “So my apology wasn't sufficient? Since you are thinking about everyone else but me.”
More eyes make their way onto the pair of you, and whispers grow with the exchange of gossip. “You’re acting like a child-” He cuts you off. “Shall I go on my knees for you? I mean, I wouldn’t mind, but preferably, I would love to be in a more…secluded environment.” A smirk graces his lips at the thought. “Or shall I kiss your feet-”
“You are a soon-to-be- Earl! Has that school taught you nothing? God, you’ve become more insufferable, I swear.” Your face feels warmer now, and embarrassment takes over you from his childish yet sincere teasing.
The young lord’s eyes fixated on you, on your lips, how your dress accentuates your already perfect self, your hands, oh, how he wishes to feel them against his. The years it's been since he saw you, he could listen to you scold him for hours on end; it doesn’t matter what you are saying. Just hearing your voice is enough. God knows it's been too long since he’s been deprived of you. He thanks his past self for sabotaging whatever male decided to even think of courting you. Though he was far away, his social standing never changed.
The lord decided by the second month he was away from you to pay his old servants to send him as much information as possible on the vermins that would try to nestle their way into your life. He would…No, he has ruined anyone who wanted to get in between you two. And he’ll keep it that way. You’ve stolen his heart since meeting him as a lad.
“So you wish for me to kneel? As you wish.” He starts to kneel; gasps can be heard. But you stop him, holding his shoulders upright; his eyes widen as you touch him.
You’re so close
“I forgive you…I forgive you…”
“I forgive you, Ambrose…”
Oh…
His name on your tongue….
His mind blanks. Has he gone to heaven? Oh, you sweet angel, you have him wrapped around your finger. And he wouldn’t want it any other way.
His smile is blinding as he stands and looks down at you.
“Then now that's settled…May I have the honour of a dance with yours truly?”
.." Or shall I beg more?"
End Notes:
Fun fact (not really): I based most of this post on The Regency era, and that includes fan language! That is why I described the readers' actions with it.
Placing the fan on your left ear means "I wish to get rid of you."
Twirling the fan with your left hand means "We are watched."
Thought that would be something fun to add (^.^)
#help idk what im doing#yandere x female reader#yandere#yandere x reader#yandere male x reader#yandere oc x reader#yandere oc x y/n#yandere imagines#yandere x you#yandere drabble#male yandere#soft yandere#yandere oc#yandere x darling#yandere blog#yandere rambles#yandere fic#x reader#oc x reader#oc x you#yandere male
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i saw the trailer for the new feel-good “anti-racist” US war movie about the carpet bombing of North Korea and started writing up something for this blog, partially inspired by the absolute shit storm i got for sharing that post i made with pictures of everyday life outside pyongyang
and then i gave up, because what’s the point? westerners can’t even handle a single picture of a north korean not looking miserable without screaming propaganda
meanwhile, there are no stories about the horrors of life in the ‘hermit kingdom’ that are deemed too outlandish to be believable. i can’t remember who said it, but it’s like the entire country has taken up permanent residence in the western imaginary as some silly little cartoon villain, where the leaders of the country does evil things for no discernible reason. they’re just silly and evil like that, and the citizens, of course, are silly, too. silly and brainwashed.
i watched a video recently of a tourists visiting an auto dealership in pyongyang, and the entire time he was just gawking at the employees and costumers, shoving his phone in their face, and confidently explaining to his youtube audience that everyone he’s interacting with are actually actors.
what level of dehumanization do you have to reach for that thought to even cross your mind? to think that the people you see before you are actors? that entire cities and shops are erected with to sole purpose that you, a western, will see them and be impressed?
what frustrates me the most is the casual cruelty that seeps into any mention of north korea, no matter how small. if north koreans are not being evil, they’re being silly.
a north korean newspaper reports that a group of archeologists in pyongyang have discovered an old rock carving with the words ‘unicorn lair’ (mistranslated), and the western press reports that north koreans now believe in unicorns.
a tourist at a hotel in hamhung is told by the receptionist to be careful at the beach: the waves can get high. that day the tourists goes to the beach, and there are no waves. she retells the story to her instagram followers, explaining that the poor woman at the hotel could never have seen real waves before because north koreans are probably never allowed to travel.
she adds a little teary-eyed emoji.
one of the cities i included in the post was sariwon, a densely populated city to the south of pyongyang. below are some pictures from its “folk customs street”, which was built to showcase old korean traditions and customs
here’s all wikipedia has to say about it
Built to display an ideal picture of ancient Korea, it includes buildings in the "historical style" and a collection of ancient Korean cannons. Although it is considered an inaccurate romanticized recreation of an ancient Korean street, it is frequently used as a destination for foreigners on official government tours. Many older style Korean buildings exist in the city.
it’s just north koreans being silly again. there’s no mention of what might motivate them to build a street like that — why the preservation of old customs, culture and architecture might somehow be important for the city
could it perhaps have something to do with how the U.S. air force dropped 635,000 tons of bombs, including 32,557 tons of napalm, over the korean peninsula during the war? the carpet bombings, which are now the topic of an upcoming hollywood movie about overcoming racism through warcrimes, destroyed an estimate of 85% of all buildings in north korea. some cities were entirely wiped off the map.
in sariwon they missed a few buildings, but not many — after an intense firebombing campaign the U.S. military estimated the destruction of sariwon to be at 95%.
none of this is mentioned on the wikipedia page for sariwon.
we destroyed entire cities. memory-holed the entire thing, called it the forgotten war. and now, 70 years later, we’re convincing ourselves that the people living in the ruins are actors.
and somehow the north koreans are the brainwashed ones
#forgive me lord for i am posting#to all the 'hate the government not the people' freaks in the notes#i'm coming for you next
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his baby
bucky barnes x fem!reader
summary: bucky won't call you by your name.
word count: 400+
warnings: 18+ minors dni. established relationship. tooth rotting fluff, or worse... allusions to smut. a whole lot of usage of petnames mainly being baby, bucky being obsessed with the reader (that's a warning, i say), lowercase writing.
i have no idea what this is (okay, maybe i do) but it happened. really cheesy, but i guess i'm into that sometimes. hope you like this one!
dividers by @cafekitsune!
comments, reblogs, and likes are highly appreciated. thank you! ♡
“where's my baby?”
those three words kept echoing all throughout the compound this morning. most of the team were up and awake to welcome bucky, steve, and sam who just arrived home from their week long mission.
but his baby was missing.
“oh, god. here he goes again.” sam shook his head, fatigue written all over his face, but a bit of amusement from bucky's behaviour still shining through. he couldn't deny how admirable bucky's adoration for you was.
“calm down, punk." steve pat his shoulder reassuringly. “i'm sure she's here somewhere.”
“yeah, but where?” bucky asks again. “i haven't seen her for a week. i miss her.”
“you think he remembers her name?" clint jokingly asked.
“she has multiple names, remember?” tony answered. “baby, sweetheart, love, sweets, and.. what's the other one? i swear, there's another, or maybe two?”
before one of them could find the answer, bucky popped right in front of them to ask another question.
“is my baby okay?” his brows were all scrunched up, genuinely worried about you. “did you tell her i was coming home? i told her before we took off. why isn't she here? she's always—”
“okay, lover boy. your baby is alright, she's still sleeping in your room, i think.” tony answered him, finally calming him down. “and can you call her by her name when it's just us around? we're starting to think that you forgot what her actual name is."
“what? she's my only baby, it's not that hard to figure it out." bucky shrugged, causing at least three of the avengers to run their hands through their face at his answer. “and why is she still asleep? is she sick?"
natasha raised her hand, a guilty smile on her face. “i'm the reason for that. i made her stay up late with me last night to watch five seasons of a show we discovered accidentally,” she explained, a proud smile now replacing her guilty one. “she might be a little cranky from the lack of sleep, so you better have something for her when she wakes up.”
“oh, i do.” bucky grinned like he already knew what to give her and was prepared for it. “all of you might want to leave the tower for the entire day if you don't want to hear me giving it to her.”
what used to be the shouts of bucky looking for you were now replaced with the grunts and complaints of the team because of bucky's answer.
if you have any requests for bucky, send them my way! 💌
#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fic#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes smut#bucky barnes x fem!reader#inkedbybarnes
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