in the continuing adventures of "body, please be normal" I've been dealing with pretty awful GI symptoms for the past month, and they have finally resolved themselves in a frankly bewildering fashion.

it feels gross to talk about, but I guess it was other people being gross and talking about their own symptoms that helped me figure out what was going wrong with me so like. maybe this will help someone else.

(cut for talk about medical issues, particularly gerd, endometriosis, and mcas)

Now... I've been dealing with pretty severe acid reflux for several years now. It seems to be attached to hormonal changes in the body because it flares up when I'm on any kind of hormonal medication (including birth control) or my period is approaching. It tends to manifest in ENT symptoms because the acid gets up into my sinuses and it's a whole fucking mess.

(Best guess is that it's related to the endometriosis and potential internal scarring, but the docs are REALLY hesitant to open me up to see the extent of the scarring because the EDS means that I heal poorly.)

Since I came off hormonal birth control, it hasn't been nearly as bad. I used to have to take fairly high doses of omeprazole at all times, but now it seems to be sufficient to take small doses of famotidine when it flares once a month.

That said! It's been flaring more often and worse since late last year, and I've been experiencing a particularly bad flare that's lasted for about a month now. Not to be too graphic, but I've had pretty severe burns in my mouth and pretty extensive oral bleeding. It's been... not fun!

(plus other GI issues, but they've been relatively mild compared to the... blood...)

I've been taking both omeprazole and famotidine, my usuals, but it's barely made a dent in it. I have been, safe to say, In Hell, but I wasn't able to get an appointment with a doctor until late May so I've just been kind of putting up with it.

Yesterday I really wanted to go to a street festival and I was like... okay, who knows if I'll be able to eat anything because even broth and oatmeal have been making me sick, but we'll give it a try. And I took some allergy medicine because it's spring and -- it went away. All my symptoms went away.

I AM... BEWILDERED... but yeah like I took the allergy meds and my symptoms went from 90% down to like... maybe 10%. Not perfect, but very bearable. And when I took my acid reflux meds, it actually got a little worse...?

So today I am off all reflux medications and on quite a bit of allegra and I feel almost fine. I am incredibly bewildered. All I can figure is that this time, as opposed to my regular flares, things were caused by some kind of allergic reaction...? I'm not sure to what, as I haven't really done anything differently lately, but I guess it could just be environmental.

I googled and Dr. Google says that acid reflux can be triggered by allergies, which has me back in the "wait, is MCAS a thing that's been ruining my life??" place. It's a diagnosis that my doctors have been toying with, but I've never worried about it too much compared to the others. But I guess the GI issues I've been experiencing aren't too unusual to MCAS, where your body has weird heightened allergic reactions to a lot of things, so like. orz

I guess I have been so allergic to the universe that my body was trying to literally eat itself.

I'm still going to go to the GI doc in a few weeks and see what they have to say but like. I guess I just keep mainlining allegra for now. It's a thing I'll have to be careful with (allergy meds give me eye problems, so I guess I'll be doing eye drops 10x a day again) but it's better than the life I've been living! :')

I guess I'm just happy that I've found some kind of solution but like. jesus christ. what the heck.

tldr I'm in major pain rn and can't move

so I stood up when our ride got here to go to dinner with my cousins and all of a sudden shooting, blinding pain wrapped all around my spine and abdomen. I couldn't move from the doorway. I couldn't shift to my hands and knees, let alone lie down OR sit OR stand up, I was just collapsed into the door, holding the handle for dear life because ANY minute movement -even just breathing- was sheer agony. literally every breath I took ended in a hoarse heaving sob. I wish I was fucking joking about fanfic tropes or something but no, holy FUCK even in my worst fibro pain or as-yet-undiagnosed-cause-of-reproductive-pain (which has sent me to the hospital before) has ever come close to the level of a

I finally managed to force myself up (with help - ty mom) to waddle pitifully to the couch, basically holding my breath because breathing too hard made it 10x worse. thank fuck the meds kicked in over the next 30 minutes because I don't think I could have handled being transported to any form of medical facility before then. even when I thought it had calmed down, I'd shift or my head would move the slightest amount more and WHOOPS NOPE THERE IT IS with the excruciating convulsing pain spasms again! 🙃🙃🙃🙃

anyway tldr I just woke up in terrible pain on my back in bed and can't move to get more meds. I'm basically a turtle flipped on its shell but with even less range of movement. :)))))))

thankfully I already had a doctor's appt scheduled for today so we held off on the hospital (since it was abated by the meds) but I don't know if I'll make it through the car ride.

thankfully no numbness or pain in my legs (my gp's dealing with excruciating disc issues so it's on the mind) but fucking fuck fuck it's from my lower two ribs down to just above my hip, wrapped all across my abdomen but focused on my spine.

oh yeah, and I'm dealing with a fucking fibro flare in both my gd wrists now so I can't even brace against anything to pull myself up.

Top surgery. Things that aren’t spoken about. Warning; this subject might contain delicate and gruesome details for the purpose of further informing others.

I thought that I was well informed about what was there to be expected about top surgery, but I was surely mistaken. There’s so much more that really isn’t talked about. I’m only on week one and this is truly taking its toll on me. No, I don’t regret it one bit but it is hard to deal with day by day. There’s so much that goes with it, starting from the two weeks before and the following weeks after the surgery. Depending on your doctor, they might suggest you going off your meds for 2 weeks before and after, little do you realize, if you’re dealing with mental health matters, these medications are rather important to your day to day life and you are going to be a while without them. It might not seem long 4 week total but trust that the days become slower & the healing process becomes worse to bear before it becomes better. You might think, the surgery must be the worst part of all of it, you are so far from the truth. Even the day after isn’t as bad as the days the follow, it might not be the pain, it might not be throwing up you do the day after the surgery and it might not be the lack of sleep you’ll be force upon. There’s just a lot. I’m currently 1 week and 3 days since my surgery and it is so hard to just lay down to rest, my chest feels like there’s a bunch of electric currents just constantly going through and making me feel unease. Doesn’t matter how I lay or even how tired I am, that constant feeling doesn’t let me relax at all. At times is very overwhelming. I’m so tired but I can��t even sleep. Remember when I say they ask for you to stop your meds, well for my downside I have anxiety, insomnia, chronic migraines, depression, panic attack, cptsd, etc and those medications probably could’ve help me out more than anything but right now *cold turkey*. Taking a shower the first time after they took the bandages off, was intense. When I took off my compression vest, it felt as if my chest was going to fall off, I felt like any sudden movements would strain me & it was very hard to shower by myself so I had someone else shower me. The second day was worse, my chest was more swollen than before and it was 10x more intense due to what I mention before, my chest feeling like there’s constant electric currents and nerves trying to reconnect.

While I'm still riding high bc of the pain meds I got after my wisdom teeth removal I will ramble about this post a bit more bc apparently I have a lot to say about it and there is a tag limit

First of all: putting a risian (a species known for their sociality and hospitality) in solitary confinment is... a move. We only know what horrible impacts that has on a human mind but those effects could be 10x worse for a risian. We don't know much about them but I don't think they're taking it lightly.

And to let him out of it... he has to befriend one person enough, so they trust him to actually tell him what the hell they are working on. So Tarka is forced to make a connection with Oros if he wants to be free.

And Tarka does.

He goes into that cell with the goal to betray Oros. The first person he can actually talk to after five years of complete isolation and he can't let himself get too close to them because he has to betray them.

If it was any other person it would probably be less of a problem.

But it's Oros. Another genius, that may actually be more intelligent than him. The first who really understands him. Who can understamd him. Who sees him for what he is. Who sees the real person, behind the obnoxious slightly unhinged scientist.

Like... he met his soulmate.

After five years of total isolation there is suddenly the most perfect person he could imagine. It is too good to be true. So naturally he asks himself if Oros is real. How is it possible for him that after x years of not being understood on Risa, he finds his person in a prison. In a fucking work camp. After five years of solitary confinement.

And they fit. They may need one year to become friends but they actually make it work. They work together so good, that Oros invites him to his paradise. Like !!!!!

This really is to good to be true. I mean he calls their cell fucking HOME. A prison cell. In a work camp. Home.

And then as fast as Oros came into his life... he's gone again. And there is no record of him anywhere. No death record, no other mention. So did he even exist? Was he there at all? Was this his mind helping him through the solitary confinement without going insane?

But.... being asked by Oysraa to spy on a fellow scientist... that happened. He still has the scars to prove it, doesn't he? And if that happened than Oros has to be real, too. Only one way to find out: build that transporter to Kayalise and find Oros.

Going No-Contact

I see a lot of people who think going nc is something that anybody can do, for the smallest of reasons. And - while it is - it's rarely the case.

People who go nc typically do so because it's their last option. I know it was for me. I couldn't handle the psychological effects and the subtle threats anymore, and - despite this couple housing me for the last year and a half and getting me out of an outright abusive situation, I couldn't continue the relationship and - having moved out already - I blocked both of them, made a new Facebook so they couldn't contact me anymore, and set out in my new life.

Going nc has definitely been beneficial to me, but you wanna know something? The first few weeks, I was constantly watching the cameras, praying that they wouldn't show up (they knew where I was living). Even after almost a year after blocking them and moving on, I still get scared if I see a black Honda. I still carry a pocketknife, not only because the town I live in is rampant with crime, but because I'm terrified they will show up and try to interact with me. They physically scare me, even after almost a year of no contact with them.

A lot of people think that someone going no contact is typically because of something stupid, like someone not agreeing with their mother over the flowers to use at a party. But it's not. People who go nc do it because it is their absolute last option. The people who go nc have dealt with years and years of abuse, have tried and tried to get things to settle down and be less abusive and have tried to compromise countless times. It never works.

I realised I needed to go no contact after I found out that my male guardian had gone through my old Facebook account after I was 18 and had moved out of their home. I wasn't under their care anymore and I wasn't being helped by them. I was legally an adult.

Going no contact was the hardest decision in those relationships. I felt indebted to that couple because they saved me from a much worse situation when they didn't need to. They spent well over 3k on me, between feeding me and birthdays. They housed me when there was no gauranteed benefit from it (although they managed to convince me to start working (even though I was already legally blind) and kept taking half or even my entire check to "pay for bills"). These people saved me from a situation that was 10x worse than anything that happened with them.

At the same time, I was on over 13 different medications while I was with them. I could barely stay awake and keeping a train of thought for more than 30 seconds was a struggle. I was barely functioning as a human. Within 3 months of moving out, I was off all my meds, except my sleep medication and my birth control. I was on 2 presribed meds and 1 over the counter medication (Melatonin).

Since going no contact, I've felt more free than I ever have. I'm no longer worrying about fights, or trying to protect my female guardian, or worrying that they're going to go through my stuff, or any number of things. I've gotten off of most of my meds and I'm working with a doctor to make sure I'm taking only what I need and that what I'm taking will help me. I've explored myself more and realised that I'm aboy, traumatised asexual, and aromantic. I realised that I have more trauma than I realised, and that I have more mental health issues than I wanted to accept, and I finally accepted that I'm physically disabled and I will never work again. Going no contact was the best goddamn thing I could've done, but it took a lot of courage and energy.

will write fic for money.txt

can you talk a bit about going from nursing to medicine? what’s it involved for you, what made you want to make the change, what do you like/dislike about both? I’m a nursing student and I’m wondering if graduate entry medicine is for me :-)

hi! i'm so sorry your message has been sitting in my inbox for weeks. i had been so busy with acads and extracurricular stuff i'm only able to answer now.

first, i assume you're not from the philippines? because in our country a pre-med is a must before you go to medicine proper. my parents are nurses so it was only natural to take the same path. i enjoyed nursing since hospital and community immersion starts on our 2nd year -- so we had to balance acads and hospital/community duties. i found purpose, i found my calling when we had our duties in public hospitals. it's the most rewarding when the patients thank us for our service. it's the same with medicine.

if, perhaps, your question is why didn't i work as a nurse and continued that path -- the reason is because nurses are underpaid, overworked, and under-appreciated here in the PH. i could have taken NCLEX (the US board exam for nurses) because my mom is there anyway but my passion for medicine goes beyond that. with nursing, we know how things are done, the pathophysiology of things and the certain interventions applied -- but we don't go in extreme depth (on a cellular level) of diseases. it wasn't properly discussed to us why, for example, anatomically it is wrong to do a thoracostomy while lying down.. why do the patient feel pain when murphy's sign is done? (because it's painful when the tip of your fingers touches the inflammed gallbladder upon expiration).

in medicine, i get to know all of those. on a cellular level. i get to go in depth, learn more, and not feel the limitations i have felt in nursing -- like, i can prescribe medications, i can be a surgeon and be the lead of the team, etc. there's just no limitation in doctor of medicine. i feel sort of free.

i'm not going to lie, medicine is the hardest thing i've ever tackled. if you're in your 3rd year and are barely getting any sleep, it is 10x worse in medicine. i'm not even kidding. the things we study for 2 semesters are lectured in 3-4 hours. so better ask yourself how much you want this -- how much you want to be a doctor. it is difficult, but i'm sure it will be worth it in the end because there's nothing i'm crazy about other than medicine. :) hope it helps!!!

I feel really disconnected and out of it. I think, it's mostly due to fatigue and stress. Today I needed to be up at 6:20. While my ADHD med stabilized my sleep schedule... if I'm awake before 8am my body revolts.

Anyway, today was Jordan's turn at ablation therapy. Hoping for some relief. Any.

I'm also exhausted from helping my one local friend with moving over the weekend. I was child and cat wrangling and trying to get into verbal alterations. Her extended family, while helped with moving, treated her like shit.

Then we have the dreaded paperwork. such fun it is that the very disability I'm on disability for makes it 10x worse. I need to hype myself up to call them.

Lots of shit to deal with.

So I just started some new meds and upped one I was already taking. However, one of the new ones has been making me more anxious and I’ve noticed that it can also up my fight/flight responses which is either fawn/shut down. I’m trying so hard to do my academics the way I need to, so I can maintain my independence primarily and I’m scared I don’t know how to cope with this. They’ve been giving me the energy I need to be able to do things though, I just don’t know about the ptsd shit. Any advice?

CW: medications, swearing (in the ask)

Unfortunately, I’m not at all qualified to give advice when it comes to meds as I’m not a health care provider. I’ve also actually never been on medication for my mental health due to only having sporadic access to mental health care. However, if you’re concerned about how the meds are affecting you, I’d strongly recommend that you get in touch with whoever prescribed them for you and see if they’re able to help or give you more qualified advice. That’s quite literally a part of their job, and you don’t need to be afraid to bring up concerns to your doctors.

When it comes to the school and PTSD stuff,  I can give a little bit more advice, although I’d definitely still recommend bringing these concerns up with your therapist if at all possible because, once again, they are much more qualified to give this kind of advice than I am. 

For general anxiety and to an extent PTSD-related reactions, I find that using a fidget toy and listening to background noise (such as music, a podcast, a TV show, etc.) really helps me keep my mind in check. This is my favorite type of fidget toy (although I have one I purchased at a physical store in Seoul, so I can’t vouch for the quality of this exact product), but there are tons of fidget toy options available, and I believe many stores even sell them in person. You can also just fidget with whatever you have lying around. One thing I learned a while back is that if you’re easily distracted by music or speaking but need background noise to focus, it can help to listen to music with no lyrics or with lyrics in a language you don’t speak.

Unfortunately, a lot of the time, the best response to anxiety or a PTSD episode is to take a breather and let it pass. When I feel myself starting to spiral, I stop what I’m doing as soon as I can, and I do something different - usually, something that is self-care adjacent such as eating, taking a shower/bath, picking up my room, etc. I don’t think it really matters what exactly you do, but it does really seem to help to change tasks to a fairly mindless (but still active) task and to wait it out. It’s inconvenient to have to take a long break in the middle of something for mental health reasons, but ultimately it’s better to take the break and handle it right when it happens than to try to push through and make it much, much worse. 

When it comes to academics, it’s simply very hard. First of all, don’t be too hard on yourself. Your best is always enough even if it doesn’t feel like it is. I promise you’re doing a good job. When it comes to actually being able to get stuff done while struggling with mental health, I can give you some advice that will hopefully help, but ultimately, you do just have to do it. It’s an unfortunate reality, but it is a reality.

I find that “study with me” videos along the lines of this one are helpful when I’m struggling to commit to doing work. They come in tons of variations (i.e. music or no music, breaks/Pomodoro or studying the entire time, minimal background noise or lots, etc.) and if you search what you’re looking for, they’re quite straightforward to find. I have linked a few within the categories I listed so that it’s easy to get started if you’re interested. To me, this is literally a study hack. I’m 10x more productive with one of these on, and I’d highly recommend them.

Along the same lines as the previous point, study with friends. They literally do not even have to be in the same class, major, anything as you. Just call them or meet up with them and study at the same time as each other. It makes it so much less tedious and encourages productivity. You can also get a similar version of this effect by studying in a public place such as a café, library, etc. (please be safe when doing so though since we are in a pandemic). 

Breaking up big tasks into smaller, more manageable tasks makes them much more approachable and, in my opinion, much more mental health-friendly. It’s a lot easier to commit to doing a small task than a big one, you get a much quicker satisfaction from each task, and they are much more conducive to taking frequent breaks and being able to be flexible in your time management.

Commit to 15 minutes uninterrupted (or even 10 or 5) and hold yourself to it. It’s such a short time that it’s easier to convince your mind to cooperate, and often when the time is up you’ll be able to keep going. But even if you can’t keep going after the time is up, 15 minutes of work is better than 0 minutes of work.

Unfortunately, that’s all the advice I have for you. I hope it helps!

a bit of a vent, cw hopeless about prof not listening

went to the rheumatologist and idk what to make of the news. They said "yes I definitely agree with a fibromyalgia dx and I dont understand why they didnt dx you when they evaluated you 2 years ago. I'll put in a note to your doctor so that you can start getting proper treatment." Which like... yay? I think? Im super worried that Im gonna go back to dr in a week and theyll be like "welllllllllll......... lets just keep focusing on ur treatment resistant depression lol"

Because the dr didnt want to give me any more meds, I haven't been able to sleep well at night, and I keep losing more sleep. I've become completely exhausted, barely able to get out of bed, and my lack of coordination has become 10x worse than it was. My cane doesn't even help anymore and I've started using a single forearm crutch just to get to the bathroom. It has helped immensely with my stability, even if I'm still a bit wobbly.

I dont know what to do if I cant get them to listen about a single dx, let alone the other concerns I have. I'm angry because I've had symptoms since I was a teen but I've never been this ill. I dont think it would have gotten so bad if drs just listened in the first place. I genuinely do not have the spoons rn to go on a search for a new doc. idk at this point doesnt look like we're getting anywhere, and I feel pretty hopeless currently

Taking Chances - Chapter One

A/N I finally got round to starting a Holby City and Greys Anatomy Crossover Fic which will feature two of my favs! Not really sure of the logistics of it yet but we shall see how this pans out.

Jac had exhausted all options in the UK. The trial wasn't going to pan out in time, and according to all UK surgeons she trusted the tumour was inoperable. Inoperable. That was it. It had already started to progress. Her headaches were worse, she was getting dizzy, light and sound sensitive, and her dexterity had reduced. She had dropped a scalpel in surgery the other day. She felt shaky, wobbly. It wasn't like her at all. She obviously went to Max, got a scan. The tumour had grown. It was now, or never she had to look elsewhere.

After meeting with Max to discuss the results, she went back to her office to lie down in a darkened room. The headache was overwhelming, and her medication didn't help anymore. She really hoped no one could bother her, and she could rest until it eased and then get into Looking at the other options. Max had prescribed her some stronger medication, but she really couldn't face going to the pharmacy now. She needed the pain to ease.

"Are you okay walking?" Max asked gently, noticing she seemed to be in a lot of pain and disoriented. "I'll be fine." She said. Taking the walk slowly, glad to be curled up on her office sofa. Her head was pounding, and she felt like she was about to vomit. She had sick bags beside her for good measure. The tumour had started causing nausea and vomiting, and she knew there might be a time where she wouldn't make it to the toilets. Why the fuck was this thing in her brain debilitating her like this. She knew it would eventually, but she hoped it wouldn't be so soon. She closed her eyes for a while, trying to will the symptoms away. She really shouldn't be trying to sleep during work hours, but the symptoms were too much. The light made the pain 10x worse, let alone a screen.

Eli walked into her office around an hour later, seeing her on the sofa in a darkened room. "You should go home."

"No, I have work I should be doing. I'll be fine. I just need to feel up to going to the pharmacy to get my new prescriptions. I'm sure they'll work, and then I'll be able to move."

"Okay. How about I go and get your meds then. You need something to ease the pain." He responded, pausing. "Have you been sick today?" He asked, noticing the bags.

"Yeah. I was sick this morning." She replied, passing him the prescriptions that Max wrote out earlier. "Have you eaten since?" "Who are you, my mother? Yes, I've eaten since!" She yelled, wincing, realising it hurt her head more.

"Good. I'm going to get your meds, and I'll bring them back up." Eli said, walking out of the office, knowing Jac just needed to be left alone to rest off the head pain.

After taking her medication and letting it kick in she felt a bit better. So went back out on the ward to do some necessary consults before having to face looking at a screen to reply to her emails and look for a neurosurgeon. She decided to keep the fact that she was looking for one quiet for now. Everyone at Holby would discourage her. They'd say inoperable means inoperable, and she just wasn't accepting that.

She was glad to be sitting back down in her office after doing some consults as she was feeling increasingly dizzy standing up. She replied to the emails she needed to before looking for a suitable neurosurgeon for her tumour. She spent hours searching through the web, in between work emails, calls and projects. There wasn't even anyone she wanted to enquire to. Why would any rational person take the risk of operating on her inoperable tumour? Then she found someone she thought would be up for the challenge.

Amelia Shepherd. She'd operated on many inoperable tumours in the past and done so successfully. This was it. Jac's one shot at life. She sent off an Email with her latest scans and blood test results, before replying to a final few emails and calling it a day.

Chloe knocked on her office door just as she shut her computer down. She groaned, really hoping it wasn't to do with a patient. Her head was killing her. "Come in." She called.

"I'm going for a drink with Eli, Dom and some others from the hospital. Do you want to come?" She asked. The red-headed surgeon looked tired.

"No. I have a headache. I'm going to go home." She barely felt up for after-work drinks anymore. Sometimes she pushed herself to, but today was not one of those days. She needed her bed. She wasn't 100% sure she could even drive home without risking an accident.

"Okay, well, get some rest." Chloe replied.

"Yeah. I'll try to." Rest didn't feel that restful anymore. The symptoms of the tumour affected her no matter what, like an ever present being trying to take over her body and her life.

Once Chloe left the Office Jac ordered an Uber before gathering her things. She could leave the car at the hospital overnight. Once she got in she thanked Emma's nanny for taking care of her and giving her dinner. She took her medication to dull the heavily returning pain and nausea before reading with her daughter.

She was glad Emma was old enough to read herself as the words had started swimming on the page. The deterioration was scary. Emma knew she was sick. The blinding headaches, co-ordination issues, nausea and dizziness couldn't be hidden from the observant child so Jac had told Emma quiet early on but she worried about the day she couldn't care for her child anymore, or even worse, the day she died and was left without a mother.

Once putting Emma to bed she tried to eat something. She had leftover Pizza and hoped her stomach wouldn't revolt. Whilst she was eating she checked her emails for the last time that day. She'd had an email back from the American surgeon, Amelia Shepherd, who was happy to take on her case and set up a video call to discuss a timeline and surgical plan. It was really happening, she might get her second chance.

Toothache

B/D

Request: A oneshot where B!D has a toothache and is in a lot of pain literally crying Kara is taking care of her and comforting her best she can (they live together.)

Note: Sorry it’s a tad short.. hope you enjoy! Thanks for the request:)

“Y/N you have to start getting ready, you’re gonna be late for school!” you hear Kara yell from the other room.

You can’t even focus on what she’s saying due to the horrible toothache you’re experiencing. It started last night but it wasn’t too bad, so you took some Advil and went to sleep. The second you woke up it was 10x worse.

“Y/N are you listening to me?” Kara asked frustratedly as she walked into your room. As she walked in, Kara noticed you were sitting up in bed, holding your face in your hand, obviously in pain. Kara’s face went from annoyance to instant concern.

“Y/N sweetie what’s wrong?” Kara asked rushing to your bedside.

“My tooth” you explained.

Kara nodded understandingly. You got toothaches a lot, but she could tell when it was really bad, like this one. Kara scooped you up and carried you to the couch where she could take care of you.

“What about school?” you asked.

“Don’t worry about school today, let me just help you feel better” Kara said softly.

You smiled at Kara and closed your eyes, the pain overwhelming you. Seconds later you felt Kara put an icepack in your hand for you to put on your face. She also gave you some medicine for the pain and water. 

Kara kneeled in front of you and asked, “Do you feel any better?”

You didn’t. You immediately burst out in tears, ready for the pain to stop. Kara’s heart broke.

“My poor baby” Kara said sitting down next to you and scooping you into her lap, “It’s okay this won’t last forever I promise”

Kara wiped the tears from your eyes and sighed as you calmed yourself down. Kara felt helpless. She lifted cars and fought aliens, but she couldn’t help her little sister with a toothache. She wasn’t used to this feeling, she wish she could take away your pain. Kara has never had a toothache, so she doesn’t really know what to say to make you feel better.

As Kara stroked your hair while you sat on her lap, Kara said, “I’m so sorry I can’t take your pain away, I wish I could be more helpful”

“Hey, you’re here for me, theres nothing more I could ask for” you said reassuringly to Kara.

Kara smiled and booped your nose, “Try to get some rest little one”

You returned her smile, the pain meds starting to kick in and making you drift to sleep, “I love you Kara”

“I love you too hun”

Hellboy Headcanons

it's MY blog and I get to choose the hyperfixation (also it’s yearning hours)

S F W :

- big man big man big man big man big man b

- i love big man v much, and let me tell u smthn it's not for no reason

- so, let's just get a few things straight, the dude is canonically 7 feet tall, meaning that he towers over pretty much anyone. on top of that's he's got horns, a tail, a big ass rock hand thing, and on top of it all a fiery temper. at this you may be asking yourself “danny, if the man hasn't like no redeemable qualities why do you like him so much?” unless you're here because you ALSO like him and know he has a lot of them. let me explain

- so let me start off with some simple facts; he LOVES cats. he loves cats so much so that he actually has a fuckton of them, as seen in the first and second movies (not the one directed by david harbor because i'm not even going to look in that general direction)

- in fact, he loves cats so much that he probably wants to go to a cat café. the issue is that his hulking figure would probably scare away any other patrons at the cafés, so sadly he can't go. as an alternative he just has a whole lot of cats. a lot of the time he'll find himself taking pity on the cats on the street and thus leaving out cans of tuna or cat food in places he might frequent

- he also has a pajama set with cats printed on them but NEVER tell him that it's cute or he may not make eye contact with you for a week

- ah, on that subject matter, he actually gets flustered pretty easily. the only issue is that it's not easy to tell when he does, and when he allows himself to feel like that. it's usually when he's sitting in his room and not really thinking about much of anything (aka: relaxed)

- you can tell by how his face somehow turns a slightly darker shade of red, and the frown and gruff grunt he gives as a response imply an almost evasive nature. he doesn't get how you can say something so innocent about him of all people, but regardless it makes him feel a little bit a somethin

- i know he LOOKS like he will crush your skull, but he's a huge softie. yeah, he comes back to the BPRD base looking like he just fought god bare handed and butt ass naked, but that doesn't mean he's a huge meanie. in FACT, if he really does like you that much he's probably going to treat you like the exact opposite of his stereotype

- he tends to be attracted to anyone who can make him laugh, which is pretty easy considering his biggest weakness is puns. yes, you read that correctly, puns

- catch this dude loosing his shit because you walked in to his room, saw his cats piled up on his torso to absorb his body heat, and said “Wow, looks like you've got a MEOWntain on you, Red.” seriously he won't be able to breathe for a good few seconds

- his laugh is pretty hearty and rumbles in his chest like a washing machine on spin cycle, ending with a dry heave. if you've cracked him up that much he will snort. tiny little piggy snort. and then deny it directly afterwards like a big baby

- he himself is a pretty funny dude, the only issue is that he's selectively funny. usually when he's relaxed and just chillin out he finds himself cracking more jokes than he normally would. making someone he likes laugh motivates him to make more jokes, especially if their laughter is contagious. seriously, he's weak against funny laughs he can't MAKE himself NOT laugh if you sound like a dying horse when you laugh

- he's also pretty affected by other people’s moods even though like 90% of the time he feels shitty. if you're in a good mood then he can't help but feel a little bit better. the positiivty is contagious and not even hellboy can resist it

- thus why he can't for the life of him resist any ounce of cuteness or innocence or impenetrable positivity. like, he just can't help but feel the immediate need to protect

- yeah he likes goth chicks (have you SEEN liz) but have you ever walked around with a literal ray of sunshine glued to your hip? cause big man can't handle the amount of joy it brings him to have someone so happy all the time next to him. it just,,, makes him weak

- that and he's a huge dummy for anyone who's smaller than average but also tends to be fiery and hotheaded like him

- like he doesn't even have a “type” appearance wise but catch him falling head over heels for a positive, firey, and outright goofy person to match his dry and dull attitude towards most things

- he tries to act like he's above it, but the man likes cute stuff. even when he gets caught red-handed petting a litter of kittens he'll just be like “what? never seen a demon before?” and continue with his activities

- if you do end up being his s/o you may very well be the person who has to take care of his wounds because he barely trusts anyone in the med bay to take care of him without trying to experiment or take weird samples without his knowing. that said, he really hates going to the doctor

- you'd be susprized how uncomfortable it makes him, really. so you're probably the one to actually make sure he doesn't fucking die

- it's rare he'll come from work unscathed. in fact, a good portion of the time there's a new scar to add to the count. when asked he'll play it off with some dry humor, barely addressing the fact that his muscles ache like hell and his joints are killing him. you'll have to pressure him into letting you take care of him, which results in a pout and grumbles of protest as he removes his shirt. if he has any injuries near his thighs he'll probably be really hesitant to let you take care of them until you've been with each other for like a month or so

- that and he lowkey would die of embarrassment if you were trying to tend to his thigh wounds and just saw how HUNG he is but i'm gonna save that content for possible NSFW headcanons in the future

- mans super gentle with his s/o, like SUPER gentle. he doesn't want to hurt them, honestly, and just leaving a small bruise from getting frisky or play fighting makes him feel like a fucking monster. in fact, it makes his self-esteem issues worse. he might not touch you for a while if you happen to get a particularly bad injury, on or off the field (implying that you work at the BPRD- if you don't he still feels like shit)

- which means that he probably would like some validation if he does start to feel like complete shit. his skin is thick from his experience over the years, but shit still happens and it always will. he's reminded every day that he doesn't deserve you just by seeing your visual differences. he knows he's a danger to you and the people around him, and it makes him want to avoid everyone. but some gentle words of affirmation and kisses all over make him feel 10x better. it isn't hard to get him out of a funk if he knows you love him too much to find disgust in him

- he doesn't seem very affectionate, but once he knows it's okay to touch up on his s/o like it's no tomorrow he will most definitely release all his touch-starved cravings and be attatched to you all the fucking time

- he's pretty much always holding your hand (although his hands are pretty big so he might just resort to having your and in his without linking fingers) or got his arm around you or, his favorite, having you sit in his lap. he tends to be pretty up close and personal with you if you're all about it

- the only real problems i can see with this are personal distaste or maybe the fact that he's a walking space heater. seriously, hellboy is quite literally hot as hell regardless of the environment, and turns his heater up crazy high. he thrives best in the heat and remains pretty much unaffected by all temperatures. he hates the cold because it makes the tips of his tail and ears cold, but that's pretty much all it does

- you could be in a freezer and the most discomfort he'll feel is that his ears are like a little 👌🏼 bit cold

- so yes, space heater, and it's great if you live in heat like he does. sleeping with him means you'll never get cold again, and since he takes up a lot of space in his bed it's very likely that you'll be sleeping on top of him or at least somewhat touching him. so win win for him, obviously

- he also likes to crank the heater up because it causes you to shed more clothes, probably leaving you in a tank top and shorts while a sheen of sweat forms on your skin and your hair sticks to your face. and if that ain't hot, he doesn't know what is (pun intended). he'll put it down if you ask him to though, begrudgingly. he just likes seeing you breathless is all- ow, don't punch his arm like that

- god forbid anyone look at you like that though. you're wearing something mildly revealing? hell no. there are some bad people out there with even worse intentions and he is not letting some asshole look at you like you're a piece of meat at a butcher's shop

- so obviously he's a bit jealous. well, he's actually a lot jealous, but he won't admit it. just like he won't admit that he was about to kill the guy that catcalled you while you were walking down the street. or that he glared down at the person chatting casually to you about your dress. or that he- you get the picture. he's very protective of you and wants everyone else to know, although it may be because of an inherent self-doubt that says you might leave him

- maybe one day you'll see that you've been dating a demon all this time and be horrified and scared of him, leaving him in the dust for good. it's probably best for you, he thinks, but you'd never do that...right?

- regardless, he's protective of you and thus gets jealous easily. one way to tell is that he tends to become somehow even more attached to you with the person in question nearby. if it gets bad enough he'll just scoop you up and leave, no questions asked. maybe for the sake of your pride and protecting your embarrassment he'll make up some excuse, but as soon as you can tell that he's following you around like a lost puppy it's clear to see that something is up

- if he's getting particularly annoyed though or just wants to tease you, he'll slide his tail up your leg and watch you squeak and jump until pretending he did nothing wrong. the only real way to one-up this is to pinch the head of his tail softly and watch him tense up and give you a look of betrayal because he's crazy sensitive there and gets super unscrewed if you mess with him like that

- of course, looking at him innocently and letting him go once he finally retaliates is always entertaining enough to do again. it may even become a competition between you two to see who looses it and gives out the quickest (spoiler: you're probably going to loose if your relationship is sexual- dude knows his way around the human body and WILL use it against you)

- but it's kind of cute how much he craves your attention, considering it seems he'll do anything to get you to stay by him most of the time. he hates being apart from you and hates knowing you could get hurt at the same time, so it's very likely that you'll have protection wherever you go (if you're in his line of work though he may consider making you his partner, but when he brings this up to Abe the fish man automatically is baffled that a person could bring this kind of reaction out of his stoic and dry-humored friend)

- now for my FAVORITE part; Miscellaneous Headcanons :

   he finds it hot as fuck when you wield weapons of any kind. like yeah you might be his soft precious angel and no one is allowed to touch you but him, but seeing you with a weapon of any sort makes him think about things he's guilty to even know to have though

  oh i forgot to add that he's probably pansexual but is more attracted to feminine body types. doesn't mean he won't fuck someone with a dick, but it does mean that he's a big dom and he likes tiny feminine figures so he's more well-rounded and comfortable with women

   calls you pet names all the time, including Doll, Kitten, Darlin, Sweet-cheeks, and maybe a shorter version of your name or a play at one of your defining traits (for instance, if your hair is red he might call you Little Red as a joke cause he's Big Red ahaha size joke funnyyyy). calling him a nickname in turn that isn't one of the usual like Sweetheart or Honey Bunches gets him blushing like he's got a fever. don't mention that to him though, or he'll get even more flustered (or do, your choice)

   tends to be super flirty with you for shits and giggles, but gets a little riled up if you hit him with an equally witty and flirtatious remark. a little bite never hurt anyone, and he enjoys it more than most

   he really likes spicy stuff, and is currently the champion of "The BPRD Fire-Eating Contest" which didn't involve actual fire from hell (opposed to popular belief) but rather various spicy foods from all over the place and even some from different realms. he won when he ate a concoction Abe made that involved multiple peppers that probably would kill a normal human if eaten all at once but just made Hellboy tear up a little bit and have a runny nose. anything else doesn't affect him at all, and thus why he puts insane amounts of hot sauce in food just to get a tiny sting from it

   his love language is physical contact

- and that's all! hellboy is an affectionate dude with a slew of insecurities. under those scars and rough exterior he can't help but feel his whole day brightened when he sees his s/o and/or best bud, regardless of his mood that day. as a goofball at heart and dad of a thousand cats, the guy is really just misunderstood. take a few minutes out of your day to get to know him over a beer or two and maybe you'll even get a new friend till the end of the line. once he likes you though, there's no way you're getting rid of this big teddy bear

Mononucleosis Awareness Post

So I caught Mono participating in Hot Girl Summer™ (jk jk lmao) but I did get Mono, and this shit is not a fucking joke. If you feel like you might have it, please go to the doctor. Over the past 4 weeks, I have been going through literal medical hell from complications. I’m gonna list the symptoms I’ve had and if you feel like you might have it, go get looked at. I thought Mono was something only horny ass teens got in high school playing spin the bottle, I’m 26 (27 next month) and was NOT expecting this shit at all.

Fatigue

My first symptom that something was wrong was fatigue. This is not normal, everyday fatigue. This is actually waking up and feeling like the world is ending when you take your first step, fatigue. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. While driving, I put my emergency break on at red lights because I was afraid I would fall asleep while at the standstill. At work, if there were no calls, my head was down (luckily, my boss is only here twice a week so I could get away with this). At home, I was in bed by 6PM and when you do sleep, it’s immediate. There is no gradual lulling off to sleep. It’s face-meet-pillow-meet-morning-alarm type of sleep. But I was still tired no matter how much I slept so I started using No Doze to counteract the effects. At first, it was fine, but even then, I still had the underlying fatigue. It got so bad, I drove over a friend’s house in Greenbelt, MD which is about an hour and a half away with rush hour traffic, using every bit of energy I had in my body to get to her, because she said she would take care of me, which she did. But by the time I pulled up to her house, I basically almost fell out of the driver side door when she opened it for me. That is not an exaggeration, that is the level of exhaustion I felt from just driving that far without sleeping. We thought I had the flu or something flu-like, so she gave me fluids and alot of Day & NightQuil. It made the symptoms lessen, but it never made them go away.

Sore Throat

At the beginning, my throat merely felt scratchy. This lasted for about 3 days, before I knew it, my voice was gone and my throat was in so much pain I gave up talking. The pain is not akin to Strep Throat, if you’ve had that before. It is actually worse. My throat was swollen as a symptom of the virus, but it graduated into its own infection of severe Tonsillitis. It was so severe that I actually began having trouble swallowing from the amount of swelling that it caused. I had to receive a steroid injection in my butt to counteract the swelling and start methylprednisone (which wasn’t strong enough and I had to go back for regular prednisone 20mg). I couldn’t eat anything without pain, so I stuck to drinking a lot of fluids and ice water. Ice water became my guardian angel because my throat was in a constant state of burning pain. I also grew exodus on the back of my throat, past my tonsils, as a result of the infection in my throat, and had to gargle salt water like crazy everyday to get them out. The exodus hurts, it is hard and feels like cement on the back of your throat and it makes the Tonsillitis 10x worse than it already is. I didn’t have a voice at all for 12 days, I had to use a dry erase board for all interactions (it’s quicker than typing on my phone.) 

Nausea

Now my case may be different because the doctors keep telling me my nausea shouldn’t have gone on as long as it did and that I need to go see a Gastroenterologist ASAP but that’s a different story for a different post. Nausea was my worst and most persistent symptom to date. The kind of nausea you may feel will be persistent. I woke up nauseous to the point of my mouth salivating as though I were about to vomit everyday for about 2-2.5 weeks. This never settled. There was never a time my mouth was not salivating, I had to begin keeping paper cups at my desk to spit the residual saliva into throughout the day because it never subsided. One day, I had a salad for lunch from Panera even though I wasn’t hungry, I knew I should try to eat something. (By this time, my throat had made some progress and I could swallow some whole things.) I immediately regretted that decision when I lay in bed at midnight holding my stomach like the world was ending. I was so nauseous that I couldn’t get myself together enough to even get out of bed. The thing that makes the nausea symptom so bad (for me) is that it never made be actually vomit, it just created the sensation of needing to. Eventually, I broke down and stuck a straw down my throat just to alleviate the symptom a bit and threw up the salad, and it didn’t even look like it’d been digested properly. That made the nausea go away for the night, and after that I gave up eating anything solid hoping that would prevent any future nausea, spoiler alert: I was wrong. My salivating mouth picked up right where it left off, it was as though all I went through the night before didn’t even matter. My stomach was empty and still nauseated. That night, the nausea was so bad that I just knew something was off and I drove myself to the ER (Note: I drive myself to the ER that is less than 10-minutes away all the time to save money on an ambulance, if you feel you are not safe to drive, dial 911, it is better to just pay the ambulance than cause an accident and make your situation worse than it already is.). When I got there, I was beyond exhausted, nauseous, dizzy, I just felt like I was dying. The doctor brought me back, took my vitals, asked the usual questions. I told him about the nausea, the Mono diagnosis, he said he wanted me to get a temporary room while he ran some tests. I got a room and a nurse came in and gave me a shot of Zofran for the nausea that did absolutely nothing. It was so bad that when he came back in, I asked for Ipecac or a straw to induce vomiting again. Alarmed, he said they wanted to avoid me vomiting and gave me an additional shot of Zofran. That helped that time, but I still just felt overall terrible. The doctor came in later and told me my potassium levels were extremely low, explaining the extreme fatigue and dizziness, that my liver was swollen from the Mono, and that the nausea was alarming and he would be admitting me for treatment. I was shocked that this virus had done such a number on me. My throat had even worsened and was now even more swollen and painful than it was before (I hadn’t gotten the 20mg prednisone script yet.). I spent 2 days with an IV in my arm, eating mushy foods and sleeping in the hospital. I had to take off work because I was in no shape to even drive there, let alone get anything done. After the 2 days went by, I actually felt back to my normal self! I was so fucking happy to exist and not feel like dying after weeks of wanting to that I went home and started cleaning my room. I had let it get atrocious from not feeling well or feeling like doing anything besides sleeping. Shortly after I began, the fatigue kicked in, the only symptom to never leave, and I sat my ass down and watched Rick & Morty with Sebastia and went to sleep instead, which was probably the safer bet. Fast forward 8 nausea-free days, and guess what’s back??? It’s tolerable now, but still an extreme nuisance. I get my Zofran prescription and it does didly fucking squat to alleviate the nausea. I call the Urgent Care that diagnosed me and ask if there’s anything stronger for nausea and they tell me all the stronger shit will have me bedbound and loopy. Bills gotta get paid so we can’t have that. So that night, in a moment of nauseous desperation, I took double the dosage of the Zofran to alleviate the discomfort. Now, I understand I shouldn’t have done this, but I was DESPERATE and afterward, I felt great. It was the first time the medicine had done wtf the doctors said it would do and the way it was supposed to: quick, fast and in a motherfucking sprint. So I stupidly called the Urgent Care to ask them about the nausea medicine again (I have such a good relationship with this UC for some reason, probably because I hate my primary.) and told them what I’d done the night before and that I was now out of nausea meds and needed a refill before it came back, which was all true. Jessica, the nurse I always saw, was alarmed and spoke to the doctor on duty there, and told them about what I did. Then they cut me off and said to go ask my Primary for the refill because I’ve been utilizing them way too much (long story short). But she also said that I shouldn’t need that much Zofran and something else is going on and I need to be seen by a Gastro. That $40 co-pay appointment is still pending. Andddd I’ve been nausea-free for about a week now, but as I type this, my mouth just began salivating so it looks like I’m gonna be dealing with that again soon. Fuck.

Dizziness

My dizziness didn’t come full force until about 4 days ago (Week 4). I was out at a shopping center getting groceries and while I was parking at a nearby Dunkin Donuts, the world legit started slanting. I felt like I’d been drugged all of a sudden. My skin felt cold and clammy, everything felt out of focus and I immediately needed to lie down. Luckily, it came right after I’d put my car in park and had the opportunity to put my seat back and do so. I waited about 10 minutes maybe, and then I felt ok enough to get out and go get some food because I thought I was just hungry because I hadn’t eaten yet. Even standing in line and waiting for the food afterward was difficult. I had to sit down or else I’d fall down. I got back in my car and ate and laid down again, went back to the store to get eggs I forgot to grab before, and on the walk back to my car almost walked into another parked car. Of course, people saw and probably thought I was drunk or something. I was embarrassed but didn’t have the motor skills energy to explain the situation of feeling like I was in 2 bodies at once. This symptom has come and gone as it pleases, but luckily after a good 2-hour nap that day when I got home, I felt alot better. 

Poor Appetite

While battling this virus, I have lost 10 pounds and still counting in the past 4 weeks. While it’s great to fit into clothes I was once too thick to get past my thighs, it is not the way I wanted to lose the weight. In the beginning, I always felt full no matter what, which made me not want to eat, combined with the nausea, it made eating something I just wasn’t in the mood to ever do. This went on for weeks, which caused the weight loss. I learned later that my swollen liver pressing against my stomach is what caused the sensation of fullness, hence, not ever feeling like I should eat. Now, my appetite has returned, and I’ve been eating nothing but starchy, fatty nonsense my diet never would’ve allowed before I got sick. And even with all the newfound calories I’ve been non-stop digesting (seriously guys, pizza 5 days straight, bread bowls, bacon egg and cheese croissants, cheesecake, donuts...) I’m still shedding pounds. My Gold’s Gym Membership is gathering dust because I can’t go workout with my body still always in fatigue-mode and it’s probably just not kosher to do with this kind of virus. My mom said I should celebrate for now until it becomes a cause for concern later, but I think I should probably be concerned now since the earlier you find something out the better health-wise. I lowkey did some research and think I might have Hepatitis-C from the virus, which is curable, but sucks all the same if I’m right. I inherited my mother’s extremely poor immune system, so I really wouldn’t be surprised. I’ll post before and after photos of my weight loss separately, don’t want Tumblr turning me into the Face of Mono™ because of this post. 

Swollen Lymph Nodes

This was one of the lesser symptoms that went away by week 2-2.5. They are definitely sensitive and noticeable. I found that icing them alleviated a lot of the discomfort and made it tolerable, but overall, these were the least of my worries.

If you experience any of these symptoms or think you may have Mono, definitely get yourself checked out. They can do a rapid test at any Urgent Care or ER and let you know during your visit if you have it. This shit is not a joke. I’m still dealing with the symptoms right now and have no inclination of when they will be gone. The literature says anywhere from a few weeks to a year, I’m praying for the initial option but I have no way of knowing for sure. I say all this to say, pay attention to and know your body, guys. You only get one. 

I had a discussion with my sister about a lot of things, mostly about her relationship, but we also started talking about my mom and I feel like I'm going insane.

My sister keeps pointing that I've only had the one job and it wasn't for very long when I mention my mom being prone to pressuring me. Expect, three things are totally ignored when referring to that situation.

1) I was working minimum wage during the holiday season under a horrific store manager, like criminally horrific (which led to more than a year of stress dreams after I quit)

2) I was living with my mom at the time who was making more than 10x my salary. I didn't NEED the money. I wasn't making any sort of contribution that mattered and I was destroying myself for no reason.

3) I was severely mentally ill after I quit and was getting worse and worse and WORSE every year since, up to now.

On top of that, my mom called my sister when my sister posted something very personal about her own traumas and mental health on social media, things even my mom didn't know. A few weeks ago my mom asked me what side effects I was having to make me believe my anti-depressants weren't working for me, I mentioned "suicidal ideation," literally chose that wording because I was afraid of how she'd react to "suicidal thoughts," and she just told me to lower my dosage. I don't even think she fully believed me when I told her the new manufacturer was known for these sort of issues, she had to hear it from a pharmacist. I stressed how different this was to past experiences, how even at my worst, I never had such pervasive suicidal thoughts, and she still tried to push for me to just get through it. She did eventually try to see if my meds could be changed (they couldn't, so I'm dealing) but it took me pushing back and having what I said confirmed by the pharmacist.

I am constantly in this push pull of being desperately horribly mental ill and wanting people to know and acknowledge it but also desperate to not scare anyone, to not be a problem. Even though I went through an undeniable mental break, where people finally understood I had no control over myself, I'm just back to people acting like I'm fine. Like I'm just a lazy leech.

What the fuck is it going to take? It's gotten to the point where I don't think they'll ever take me seriously if I'm not in agony in front of their eyes.

I'm sorry guys for how quiet I've been. For about a week I was extremely ill with constant migraines and vomiting and couldn't keep anything down, so I went to the ER where they treated me with iv and meds. Normally when I go through stuff like this, doctors dont really know what to say except it's just my #lupus acting up and they'll treat it the best they can. This discourages me heavily and doesn't help my depression (even moreso when I spiral into dark thoughts about how tomorrow isn't promised for any of us), but what makes it feel 10x worse is when I can't draw. For days I'm just lying down in a dark room with my eyes covered and in pain. It's been a few days since I started these new meds, I'm still physically weak and very sensitive to light/sound and certain foods, but I feel myself slowly coming back. I drew a little #NotttheBrave yesterday to get myself back into working again, because I'm going on more than a week with no drawing and I can't have that, especially with work piling up :,( ...i feel alot like #Nott who is constantly at war with herself, hating the body she's literally cursed to be in, but still ready to fight tooth and nail. #CriticalRole has been such a great thing to have and is so inspiring to me and my art. Can't wait for Friday's episode! 💚 . . . www.PBARBART.com . . . #lupusawareness #autoimmune #chronicillness #wip #wipart #critters #critternation #CriticalRoleFanart #goblin #dungeonsanddragons #dnd #samriegel Nott belongs to @ramsiegel https://www.instagram.com/p/B0obna7DyV8/?igshid=1uxrlts41mlz