#my mom (able bodied) gets really mad at me when i say this kind of stuff is annoying | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebearer · 10 months

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omg the part in that one blurb where reader makes a joke about being able to skip a meal and then carmy’s just like tf did you just say is so important to me as someone that has a long (and uneasy) history with body image and healthy eating habits

i was wondering if you had blurb/general thoughts/ideas on how carmy would react to the reader having a harder than usual time with body image for whatever reason

maybe they make one too many jokes or little comments about feeling insecure and carmy’s just not having it lol

carmen, with every ounce of love i have in my heart for him, would not be good with handling that. simply because he understands not liking yourself (like the idea of it, he can't fathom why you don't) but he grew up where food was kind of an act of love. he'd never hear an "i'm sorry" ever in his life, but his mom would very much so be the type to say "i have dinner ready for you" and that was as much as an apology as he'd get.

the first time you're kinda not eating, carmen's like trying to joke with you. "the food not good? don't like it?"

and you assure him that's not it. "i just... i'm not really hungry."

carmen's confused bc you've been together all day and you only had an iced coffee in the morning. "no way." he shook his head. "you haven't eaten all day. if you don't like it, baby, it won't hurt my feelings, i promise. nothin' you can say that a chef in new york didn't say, they said worse too. just tell me what you want and-"

"-carmen, it's ok. it's really good, i'm just not really hungry." you smile. "i need to not eat today anyways. my jeans are so tight-"

"-what?" carmen thinks you're joking at first, brows creasing with a small grin. until he sees your face. "you're-you're being serious?"

"well, kinda..." you mutter.

"that's... don't say that." carmen shook his head. "please, don't-don't do that, that's insane."

your face falls at his tone, you know he doesn't mean to be so hard about it, but you can't help but feel worse, like carmen's mad at you. in a way he is, but not out of anger, out of love. out of not wanting you to hurt yourself like that.

"i just... i feel gross, and i'm starting to look it-"

"- i think you look beautiful." carmen mutters. he sounds hurt, genuinely hurt by what you're saying, like you said them to him. "i don't... i don't like that you do that to yourself." he admitted after a moment. he'd been going to therapy, working on channeling his emotions out when he felt them instead of bottling them in, leading him to an anxiety attack.

"i'm sorry." you whisper, unsure of what else to say.

"no, it's not... i don't want you to apologize or- or feel bad, i just... i felt like i should say it." carmen's eyes lifted to yours. "that you don't need to do that."

you can't help the way your chest rushes with heat, anxiously picking up the spoon in front of you. you're not sure what to say, most of the time, most guys kinda brush it off. act like it's nothing or ignore it- some agreeing. no one ever got... hurt by it like this. like you were hurting them too.

maybe it was the guilt. maybe it was the fact that carmen looked so sad. whatever it was, you weren't sure, but you were fucking hungry- and the pasta was good.

you hesitantly took a bite, ignoring carmen's eyes tracking you. "it is really good." you hum, trying to break the obvious tension in the room.

"you don't have to eat it, i-i don't want you to feel pressured to." carmen shook his head. "but i'll make you something else? could i make you something else? whatever you want."

you blushed, looking down. you knew what he meant. he was trying to help in the only way he knew how to, by cooking. "carmen-" you sigh.

"no, it's... it's not good to not eat, ya know?" carmen looked up at you. "you have to eat but-but if you don't want pasta, i get it. i'll make you whatever if that's what you want." he looked at you pointedly. "but don't ever think you need to do anything like that f'me. i think you're perfect no matter what. love you no matter what. you know that, told you i'd still love you even if you were a worm."

you snorted lightly, his reference to the tiktok trend you'd done on him a while ago. "thanks, bear." you mutter, grabbing his hand lightly. "i-i would like, if it's not too much and you have all the stuff, that greek goddess salad sydney was testing the other day? i've been craving it."

"heard." carmen nodded, standing towards the fridge.

"if it's not too much trouble-"

"-c'mon." carmen scoffed, looking at you sweetly. "it'll take me fifteen minutes max. sit down f'me, alright. i got it."

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 10 days

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AITA for telling my mom I don't like it when she slaps my ass? potential tw

so I (22 trans m) currently live with my mom (65), and I've always had issues with how she interacts with my body. today she woke me up to try on a pair of pants I bought yesterday before she washed them, and I asked her if she could stop staring at me while I took my pajama pants off to try on the jeans. she pushed back and laughed it off saying it didn't matter, so I had to change in front of her cause she refused to leave the room. this has happened many times before where she insists on watching me change, even when I'm completely naked, despite me asking her not to.

I put the pants on and she immediately comes over to inspect how they fit for herself, tugging on the waistband and looking them over, then promptly slaps my ass. I immediately recoil and tell her I didn't like it and I want her to stop, and she scoffs and rolls her eyes at the suggestion. I tell her it's weird because we've had this conversation before since her slapping my ass is a frequent occurrence, and like usual, she insists there's nothing weird about it because she's my mother and she isn't doing it to be sexual. when she does this, she usually says, "I birthed that ass, so I'm allowed to slap that ass if I want to." I tried to tell her that I'n an adult and I should be allowed to tell her when I don't like something she does to me, and I was visibly pissed off and kicked her out of my room to go back to bed.

I could hear her in the other room walking around saying loudly, "ohh, so I'M aaaaalways the problem. I'm the problem, of course," in like a mocking tone because she clearly thinks I'm in the wrong. I know she's an asshole for a lot of other reasons (she's pretty transphobic and doesn't respect my name, pronouns, or that I'm on hormones, and she frequently takes out her anger issues on me by yelling at me if I even look at her wrong when she's mad), but this one has been bothering me a lot since I moved back home after college (I'm also unemployed and wouldn't be able to move out for a while despite already wanting to get away from her)

for further context, she's always had a specific way of interacting with my body that I think is weird but she refuses to see it. she insisted on personally bathing me into middle school, then continued to say that I needed her help to shower correctly even up to now, so she frequently walks into my bathroom or bedroom when I'm entirely naked and will look my body over and I'm not a fan of it. she also still tries to force her way into changing rooms if we go shopping together so that she can have the final say in how I look in clothes, and she never even wants to turn around or wait outside while I strip.

I've tried to get her to stop before but she keeps doing it, insisting that she's my mother so she's allowed to, even though I'm an adult who hasn't lived with her for the past four years and is very autonomous, so it's not like she still does everything for me. she also pushes back and says that if I think it's weird then it must mean I've been assaulted before and that's why I don't like it when she touches me. I'm also autistic and don't like frequent hugs or any kind of touching and she doesn't like it when I tell her to stop doing that too, but her slapping my ass and insisting on seeing me naked is the stuff that really bothers me, the rest I tolerate just so I don't have to argue with her all the time.

I've asked friends before if they think it's weird she does this, but she's so insistent that she should be able to touch me whenever and however she wants just because she's my mom and that she can look at me naked because she birthed me and has seen me naked before, so why is it different now that I'm a full on adult. I honestly don't know who's in the wrong for this specific thing and if I'm over exaggerating like my mom says I am, but I'm so sick of her touching me when I tell her not to that I needed to poll answers, so:

am I the asshole for telling my mom to stop slapping my ass and insisting on looking at me while I'm naked despite being an adult and asking her not to?

#aita #am i the asshole

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velvet4510 · 2 months

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The Gaffer is an interesting character to me. His few scenes definitely show us that he is a gruff kind of guy who never shies away from making his opinion known among the gossips. Though he’s illiterate, he’s not stupid at all, and is actually very intelligent when it comes to all things gardening. But he also has very polite manners toward the gentry and is more than humble enough to “know his place” and be content with the simple working class life. He doesn’t share Sam’s passion for Elves and for learning in general. He’s perfectly fine with his lot in life and has no aspirations. It’s clear that Sam’s modesty, resourcefulness, and grounded sense are all inherited from the Gaffer.

Yet I’ve seen the Gaffer get a bit of hate amongst the fandom. Some dislike how he apparently calls Sam names like “ninnyhammer,” and some fanfics have taken this and ran with it to the point of depicting the Gaffer as a straight-up abusive father. Which…absolutely does not gel with Tolkien’s portrait of him at all.

It seems to me that the Gaffer is actually similar to Gandalf in his demeanor. When frustrated or exasperated, he calls people names, but in an affectionate way. And Sam obviously adores his dad, constantly worrying about his wellbeing back home. It’s clear they have a close and good relationship. Sam just does not seem or feel like an abused child. Maybe overly humbled, yes - the Quest does give him a much-needed boost in self-esteem - but not abused. Sam doesn’t have an abusive or unkind bone in his body; I really don’t think he would be as benign as he is, if he grew up with as cruel a role model as many seem to assume the Gaffer is.

Especially since Sam’s mom is clearly no longer around, and his older siblings seem to have all moved out, since Sam and his dad are the only ones who live in 3 Bagshot Row. So they seem similar to Bilbo and Frodo in that it’s been the 2 of them for a while, they have their own little lifestyle system that works for them, and they look after each other.

Notice in particular how the Gaffer often calls his son “my Sam,” which to me indicates he has great affection and pride for Sam. He even seems like he has that parental mindset of remembering and always seeing his son as his little boy, even when his son is all grown up.

The Gaffer also gives off the vibe of somebody who is actually much more open-minded than he claims to be. Yes, he’s a traditionalist and doesn’t like the idea of leaving home for anything. But notice how he fervently defends Bilbo and Frodo in front of the gossips. He’s not among those who disapprove of the Bagginses or call them “mad.” He’s very fond of them and will not speak ill of them. He appreciates how kind they are to him, and doesn’t see any harm in their unusual interests. And while he does drill an absolute sense of humbleness into Sam by saying things like “don’t get mixed up with your betters,” he actually doesn’t seem to mind that Bilbo taught Sam to read and write, even though Sam wasn’t “supposed” to be literate given his place in society. I feel like while he is set in his ways, he is also able to notice and acknowledge when something unusual has its benefits.

And let’s never forget that the Gaffer is also brave! He literally lies to a Nazgûl’s face to protect Frodo, claiming Frodo had already left when he hadn’t. Even if he didn’t know Frodo hadn’t left yet, it’s still clear he has no intention of selling Frodo out to this creepy guy. When push comes to shove, the Gaffer has some admirable courage inside him…another quality of his that Sam inherited.

I also feel great sympathy for him when I consider what that year must’ve been like for him. Imagine your son disappearing without a trace for 14 straight months, right after some creepy cloaked guy comes asking for your son’s boss. How terrified must that poor guy have been! It’s not much of a stretch to assume he was worried about Sam every single day, wondering if he was safe, if he’d ever see him again. How much sleep must he have lost because of his fears.

And of course, Sam names his fourth son after him. Another indicator that they had a genuinely good and loving relationship.

I really like the Gaffer and will always defend him. Let’s give him some credit. He’s a good guy. We primarily have him to thank, anyway, for raising Sam to be the amazing person he is.

#lotr #jrr tolkien #lotr books #lord of the rings #gaffer #gaffer gamgee #hamfast gamgee #samwise gamgee #hobbits #the shire #lotr analysis #nazgul #ringwraiths #black rider

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lovesosweeet · 6 months

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better left unsaid // cth

chapter nineteen

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

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tw for this chapter: body image, weight loss, eating disorders

august 25, 2018 los angeles, california orion

“Ready to go home?” Mama asks. She’s holding my bag of dirty pajamas and loungewear, the strap slung over her shoulder. She looks tired, but she’s still smiling.

“Please,” I say.

The past week stuck on the oncology ward has been brutal. It took five whole days for my fever to actually break, but my other symptoms didn’t go away until yesterday. Mama has been here since the first day, whereas Mom had to go back to work after the first couple here. I’ve been happy to have both of them here for whatever amount of time they have been able to be.

Emelia has come by every day to check in, and Macy and her parents have been taking care of Duke for me. Ashton hasn’t spoken to me at all since our last conversation.

Calum remains as clueless as ever, just as I’d like.

Mama and I exit the sterile room I’ve called home for a week, nodding to the kind nurses that I’ve befriended. Calum would make fun of me, saying I can’t go into any room without making a friend, but I try not to think about how Cal would feel about all of this.

We ride the elevator down to the ground floor and head out to the parking garage. It’s not really outside, since we’re surrounded by concrete and cars and absolutely no nature, but it’s nice to feel the sun and fresh air.

After we clamber into her car, she offers to take us to Taco Bell, my favorite fast food, but I still don’t have an appetite, so I tell her to just take me home. When we get to the parking garage at my apartment, the sight of my shitty car, still in its parking space next to Cal’s, makes me smile for some reason. It’s nice to be home.

“I’m glad to see you’re feeling better!” Ron cheers as we enter the lobby. “I’ve missed seeing you.”

I smile at Ron, but he can’t see it since I’m still wearing a mask. I’ve been instructed to wear it whenever I leave my apartment for the rest of my chemo treatment. It’s a fair punishment if it keeps me from feeling as awful as I have for a week. “Hi Ron, I’ve missed you too.”

“You have a delivery in your apartment, by the way,” Ron says. “I sent it up with Macy yesterday.”

“Thank you,” I tell him. Macy didn’t tell me about any delivery, but I’ll see what it is soon enough.

Mama and I ride the elevator up to the fourth floor, stepping out and walking the handful of yards to the door. When I unlock it, Duke is waiting impatiently on the other side, wagging his tail at lightning speed when he sees us. I pick him up instantly, embracing the small ball of fluff in my arms and letting him nuzzle his face into my neck.

“Hi buddy,” I coo, petting his head. “I missed you so much.”

As I set him back on the floor, I notice what the ‘delivery’ is that Ron mentioned. Sitting in a vase in the kitchen is the largest bouquet of chamomile I’ve ever seen, a light green envelope tucked in the middle of the flowers. I stride over to it, grabbing the card to open it, revealing the custom message inside.

I know it’s not a special occasion. I just miss you and wanted to do something special. Don’t be mad. I love you. Xxx - Cal

I take several deep breaths, trying not to cry. I don’t cry, but I do get a little teary-eyed. Thankfully, Mama comes over and starts talking. A welcome distraction.

“Aw, from Cal?” She asks. “He’s so sweet. Okay, I’m going to take Duke out on a short walk for you. Mom and Eri are coming for dinner and should be here around when I get back.”

I want to object, say I can take Duke for a walk and she doesn’t need to do anything else for me, but I know I’m not supposed to spend much time outside and I should accept the help while I have it. “Thank you, I’m gonna take a shower.”

Mama gets Duke hooked up in his harness and disappears quickly, giving me some true alone time for the first time since last week. The apartment feels so quiet compared to the hospital, so I play some music on our Bluetooth speakers while I shower.

When I get out of the shower and start to get dressed, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, naked. It’s so bad I can’t look away. My ribs are all visible and my hipbones stick out more than they should. My sternum is defined and my arms look like sticks. I then notice how hollowed out my face looks. I knew I was losing weight and getting smaller, but what I see in the mirror is far more concerning and jarring than what I expected.

I wonder if any of my non-workout clothes will fit. I’m already the smallest size in jeans that I can find, so if they’re too big I’m simply out of luck in the pants department and will have to check the kids section to buy anything new.

The changes in my body are noticeable, and I know Cal will have something to say about it when I see him.

I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. I wish he was here with me. At the same time, I dread seeing him. I’m scared of telling him everything that’s going on and I know that he’s going to know something is up when he sees me. He’s going to ask about it. Everything is pointing me to telling Calum in San Diego and not in November, which wasn’t my plan, but now I don’t see how any other option is feasible.

It takes a lot of self discipline to tear my eyes away from my reflection. I head into our closet to find clean clothes to put on, immediately going to Calum’s side for a sweatshirt before grabbing a pair of comfy shorts from my dresser. In baggy clothes, my sickly small frame isn’t as noticeable.

By the time I’ve dried my hair and make myself a cup of tea, Mama is back with Duke, saying Mom and Eri will be here soon. I put the kettle back on so they can also have tea once everyone is here.

I take a few minutes to try to tidy the kitchen and do the small amount of dishes I’d left behind before I had to get admitted. Duke follows me around the apartment the whole time, making me feel bad for leaving him here alone for a while. I fill up a Kong with peanut butter to keep him busy and as a treat, running it over to his bed to lay down with.

As the kettle starts to whistle, a knock sounds on the door before it opens. My little brother Eri runs inside at full speed.

Eri and I have a big age gap between us, but we’re pretty close considering we don’t live together and he’s 16 years younger than me. My moms fostered kids for my entire childhood, and Eri was placed into their care at a few days old. They ended up adopting him and named him after a constellation, just like me. Eridanus.

“Orion!” Eri yells, his clumsy footsteps echoing around the place. He finds me quickly, pummelling into my hip with his tight hug.

“Eri!” I cheer, bending over to pick him up. He’s not that heavy, but he feels heavier today, and it takes a lot more energy than I’d like it to for me to hold him.

“Do you feel better?” He asks in his kiddish voice. His L sounds more like a W.

“Yes, much better,” I tell him. I push his dark brown hair out of his eyes so I can see them more clearly. I do feel better, but I definitely still don’t feel that great.

“Where’s Calum?” He asks. His dark brown eyes panoramically scan my apartment, searching for his favorite person on the planet.

“Eri, we told you, Calum is working. Remember?” Mom turns the corner from the foyer into the kitchen, giving me a knowing smile.

“Oh yeah!” Eri says. He then starts to pout. “I miss him.”

I laugh, leaning forward to kiss his soft cheek. “Me too, buddy.”

“Here, wanna go look at his toys?” I ask him, setting his feet back onto the tiled floor in the kitchen.

Eri lights up and nods, and I grab his hand to lead him over to Cal’s small collection of Legos.

While Eri and I mess around — gently — with Calum’s Legos, my moms are in the kitchen. They clean up, much to my dismay, and they order our dinner without asking us what we want. I’m updated with this news when Mama leaves to go meet the Doordash driver and Mom tells me they’d ordered Thai food.

I appreciate the free dinner, I just wish they had given me the opportunity to pay for my own food.

Everyone digs into their food. My moms share a mix of drunken noodles, pad thai, and pad see ew, all with tofu, while Eri eats chicken gyoza and edamame. I pick gently at the drunken noodles, which were ordered for me, but they know I won’t eat much, which is why they’re also eating from my styrofoam container.

As we’re eating, I get a Facetime call from Calum. Thankfully, I’m in a setting where I can answer and not have to conjure up some scenario for being where I am. I’m just home, with my family, which doesn’t require some kind of explanation.

I accept the call quickly.

“Hi!” I say, smiling brightly when I see his sweet face on my screen.

Calum grins instantly, his eyes lighting up and his whole face turning into a smile. “Hello!”

I pan the camera over to my family, just letting him know they can hear everything he says. They all wave, and Eri runs back over to my side so he can squish his small head into the frame next to mine.

“CAL!” Eri yells, his face showing far more excitement than mine.

“Eri! Hi, bud, it’s so good to see you!”

“We got here and you aren’t here!”

Cal frowns. “I know, bud, we’re in Australia right now, but we’ll be in San Diego in a little over a month! Did your sister tell you you can come to our show?”

Eri gasps. “No! Sissy, why didn’t you tell me?!”

I fight the urge to wince and plaster on a fake smile. “Sorry, buddy, I wanted it to be a surprise.”

I hadn’t wanted to ask my family about that day until we were closer, until I knew how I was feeling and how Cal and I were doing. But, Calum just brought it up to my very naive brother who absolutely adores him, so that thought is long gone. Now they have to come. Eri won’t forget. He’ll ask me about it all the time.

“I can’t WAIT!” Eri yells. His smile is so wide I would feel like the biggest asshole ever to tell him he can’t come. He has to come.

“Me neither, buddy,” Cal says. “Is it OK if I talk to your sister alone for just a sec?”

Eri frowns, his pout making me feel bad, but I understand completely. I want to talk to Cal alone, too.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, bud, does that sound okay?” Cal asks, trying to alleviate the drama that Eri is on the verge of bringing.

Eri lights up at the suggestion. “Yeah! Call Mama tomorrow!”

Calum nods. “Sounds like a plan, big guy. I’ll call as soon as we land in Canada.”

“Okay! Bye, Cal! I love you!”

“Love you too, Eri. Be nice to your sister!”

Eri rolls his eyes and says a faint ‘yeah, yeah’ and then he runs over to Duke, tackling him in a hug.

I turn back to my phone. “Hi,” I tell Calum, whose friendly grin turns into one of pure love. God, I love him.

“Hi, my love,” he says.

“Are you at the airport?” I ask.

Calum nods. “Yeah, we’re at the airport to fly to Toronto. Just wanted to say hi before we’re in the air for 14 hours.”

“Hi,” I tell him. Looking at his face on my phone screen, I can’t help but smile. His face is my favorite.

Calum sighs and it sounds sad. Why is he sighing?

“What’s wrong?”

His facial expression falls even more than it already had. He pouts. “Nothing, sorry. Just can’t believe we still have so long before we’re back in California.”

“Not that long!” I try to reassure him. I feel the same way, but I’m trying to be positive. I went a whole 19 years without him. I can live another month and week or so without him. Besides, it’s not really a life without him. He’s still here, just a little far away. “It’ll be here before you know it.”

Calum nods. “I know. Just hate being away from you,”

As the Facetime call with Calum ends, a mix of emotions lingers in the air. Home feels comforting with Mama, Eri, and Duke around. The chamomile bouquet from Calum adds a sweet touch, making me smile despite the challenging week in the hospital.

Back in the apartment I share with Cal, surrounded by Thai food and family, the sense of normalcy is a welcome relief. My cup of tea is warm, keeping the light in my heart burning as I wait for Calum to come back to this side of the world so I can deliver the devastating news I’ve been holding as cards against my chest. Some day soon, he’ll see the hand I’ve been dealt.

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#5sos #5 seconds of summer #luke hemmings #calum hood #ashton irwin #michael clifford #fanfiction #fanfic #imagine #5sosfam #calum x oc #calum x fem!oc #calum x foc #calum hood fanfic #calum hood imagine #better left unsaid

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 1 month

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HIIII MACKINTOSH goob morning,,, pd episode 11 update ASHE MOMENT hi. hi oh my god. everyone HAS to be obsessed with him right?? he has to be like a fandom favorite guy HES GOT A CURSED GRIMOIRE!!! awsome. awesome sick i love him.

REALLY chewing on all the dakota & william stuff this episode... what will said about his wisp form being kind of terrifying because he never knows if he'll really be able to return to his body... ohh man thats so good. kid who's soul is just kind of held in by a thread rattlin around in there... + also this ep was great re: the trivia point u mentioned last night ab dakota & will clashing morality!! bc yeah!!! wild that wiwi's hesitance to Torture People wasn't because of the Torturing People part but just bc he's afraid of himself... dakota just having to Leave partway through... aughh. vyncent also holy shit!! all of these guys are having such a bad time.

I LOVE ASHE oh my godd. such a specific type of alt kid i love him. type of guy i would befriend like a shy stray cat at orchestra camp after complimenting his red jumpsuit apparatus hoodie. also there HAS to be insane amounts of discourse re: wavelength (holy shit. mark. mark. shrieked at that. i feel like i cant call him that its too weirddddd) parenting methods?? there HAS to be people who r like well i can excuse the murders but i draw the line at homeschooling ur bound-to-a-demonic-book kid. yeah youre right he & tide r so divorced 2 me. single dad & single mom. why is he so intent on getting tide back hmm??!!

anyway... hghghbk. good episode i won't make this even longer & start talking ab the spirit world stuff (!!!???!!!?!!?!!) BUT i hope u r having a good dayyyyy <3333

FUCK YEAAAAAH IM SO EXCITED YOUVE FINALLY MET ASHE I LOVE HIM SOOOOO MUCH. I LOVE HIM SO VERYMUCH . AUAGHGHHH. ashe winters my boy forever... i KNEW u would like him i could feel it in my BONES. hell yes. love love love a grimoire guy :]

I CANT WAIT 2 SEND U THE TRIVIA FOR THIS EP i started writing it out at the beginning of my shift this morning and then had to go to like a billion meetings so you dont get it until i get home. but theres some TASTY behind the scenes characterization discussion. ohhh thays my favorite. esp irt dakota this ep :] i love him so much . i love all of them so much

ANYWAY. william ashamed of his powers mkment!!!! my boy he is made of catholic guilt. anyway. i fucking loved how he ghost shaped his spirit form for intimidation instead of actually using it. hes so smart hes so cool hes everything to me if i start thinking about william wisp for too long ill go fucking bonkers crazy.

MARK. MAAAAAAARK. DUDE IM SO FUCKING GLAD YOUVE FINALLY LEARNED HIS NAME BC IVE ALMOST CALLED HIM MARK IN UR NOTES SO MANY TIMES AND IVE HAD TO CORRECT MYSELF. wavelength who. this is my deadbeat dad best friend mark winters. HES NOT A DEADBEAT DAD. IM SORRY. ok ok ok. i cannot say much irt him rn but there IS a reason hes like this hes not just shitty for the sake of it. he does care very much hes just bad at it. uhhhhhhghdgdgdgggdgdrrrghg i love him. a lot . #1 mark winters apologist blog right here. im not even sorry. luckily..luckily i have not seen the discorse about him yet but i know its out there somewhwre. sigh.

u know whats funny. youll hear this a little bit but its mostly in the bts stuff. grizzly fucking HATES mark. and that bleeds into how he plays dakota which makes sense but its SO FUNNY in the rolleds just how much he gets mad at mark. which !!! understandable he sucks hes terrible. but im built different i love him.

AND TIIIIIIIIDE. hey. hey remember when william was interrogating mark the first time. in the holding cell. and he tried to use a ghost shaped tide at first but mark called bullshit right away because "tide's never spoken to me like that before" hey . fellas.

#um! fandom phenomenon with ashe. like 90% of the fandom uses she/her pronouns for ashe and im not. totally sure why?#i think thats just like. the prominent popular fanon thing but personally its not for me.#also ive seen people be like. weirdly pushy and defensive about it so im like. hm ok no thank u <3 #just my 2 cents tho ppl can do whatever they want idc !!!#i love him a lot. dw you will get so attached to him i promise #anyway. kicks feet twirls hair hiiiiiiii mark . he sucks so much. hes terrible. however he does care so much. augrhrhrhrgrhrjr. the nuance.#OK OK. DRIVING HOME FROM WORK NOW SO ILL BE RADIO SILENT FOR LIKE AN HOUR <3 will have trivia for u later hehe #SOOOO SO EXTREMELY HAPPY UR HAVING SO MUCH FUN. YOU UNDERSTAND ME NOW. IM INSUFFERABLE FOR GOOD REASON #asks #friends!!!#intertexts

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draftycastle · 1 month

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The Language of Flowers: Reaction

In which: I am made to feel things, get mad about being made to feel things, gush over prose, fall in love with Lyra’s ability to portray emotion, talk starry existentialism, start two petitions and go on a tangent about miserably sad fools who are boring and beige.

Lyra Brie! You’ve thrown a fish hook down my throat and are pulling out my heart! It is very painful!

“I can't tell her that I still love her even if I can't touch her like I used to.”

Right off, you got down that feeling of when something so significant happens it cracks your foundations, changes something inside that makes it feel impossible to connect to people like you once did, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much love, it’s just to much pain to bear.

“Mom still reaches out to touch me, instinctively”

Those instinctual habits from our love ones, that are well meaning, but haven’t caught up to the current reality, can be unmooring. We know they are meant with kindness, which’s adds all the more guilt to pain.

This whole first scene really hits home hard. Theres a theme of isolation here, the kind of isolation that comes from when you are so trapped inside yourself that you become a stranger, watching life from the outside in.

The inability and struggle to talk about traumatic events is a very real and raw experience that more people have than we care to think. Pain is a very hard thing to acknowledge. You also included the anger at a trauma for what it’s taken away from the person. This makes her feel very dimensional, and genuine to me. She’s not just a passive punching bag. She’s sitting there, fully realized and with feeling.

Scene two and my first thoughts: Libraries are such sanctuaries! The power of story!

“Mom still believes I will just get better with time, the way she kept watering her wilted flowers thinking they would come back to life if she just cared enough”

Something something the way Our loved ones feel guilty for our pain, and then in our pain we feel guilty for their guilt.

“If only I could read, I could get out of this body, this tainted skin, for just a moment.” Then later “I was trying to escape my skin by crawling so deeply into myself that I was not part of my body anymore”

I think, many of us can relate very strongly to this urge for escapism. Why else would social media, video games, make up, Movie and Tv, fiction books ect be quite so popularly addicting? And then you also show us that disgust for the self after a traumatic event, even when what happened is not the fault of either us or our bodies.

“I resist the urge to hide…The second I make myself known to the people here, they will want to touch me.”

Aka “The mortifying ordeal of being known”

“Fix me, fix me, fix me, I want to scream. But I have no way to say anything.”

How badly do we want the pain to be taken away? How afraid are we of the pain it takes to heal?

“The smells of flowers and grass and early spring air fill me. This is what peace smells like.”

When I tell you I GASPED at this gorgeous bit of prose.

I appreciate how you don’t have her be immediately successful, immediately healed, as soon as she gives it her first try. How the power here lies in building trust, in choices, in her putting in the work of healing, and not just Love At First Sight Fixes All.

Pretty Boys are not cures!

“I can't decide if I hope he will or won't”

If that indecision isn’t a Mood.

“i don't want to be alone” will always get me.

“Would he ever be able to speak to me? This was lovely, right now, when we both believed I would be able to touch and communicate eventually. Would I, though? Even if I can use the flowers, that's still not the same. That's not my language”

You balance so many things so well in her: she has anger, hope, doubt, fear, grief ect. This juggling I think is what really gives this story’s emotional punches their strength.

“Statice sits on the ground next to me, trying to be close enough to be comforting without pushing my boundaries. I appreciate that.”

WE STAN A BOUNDRY RESPECTING KING!

Hes trying to comfort her on HER terms, in a way SHE wants, instead of what he thinks “should” be.

“I'm not sure I can. I desperately need to be held, to be told that I will be okay, that things will get better, but I cannot stomach the touch required”

Petition to get her a weighted blanket.

“..such an expanse to fill with dreams.” THAT PROSE AGAIN! I’m weak.

Also I want to live in a giant tree library with winged rabbits. Unfair I’m not.

Petition for me to to live in a giant tree library with winged rabbits?

“I start to worry about the anger I saw in him. I've never seen it before, but that doesn't mean it's not commonly occurring around other people. What if he's only being nice to me to gain my trust?”

She has such well developed emotion and a really authentic representation of PTSD.

The reoccurrence of this time line she set for herself: “It's nearly the end of spring, and I told myself I'd be better before summer.” UGH. You sneaky little mind spy Lyra Brie. How are so good at pulling out human experiences and emotions like that?

“To stare at the stars and realize how big the universe is, how much this all stretches beyond the two of us, and yet we get to be here together.”

Ah yes, the optimistic existentialism of star gazing. It’s part of why I love it.

“He is choosing to spend time with me despite how hard the lack of communication makes our friendship”

You are always worthy of friends and love and human connection. Being “too much” is a lie and a scam invented by boring people in beige who are really actually quite sad and miserable. Don’t listen to sad miserable fools in beige.

“Why can't I just be normal?”

Totally not feral over this, no sir.

“I work on my sewing a bit, trying to stitch these pieces of fabric back together. Maybe I can't fix me, but I could fix these clothes”

What a wonderful illustration of one of those tiny life moments of trying to control what we can.

“I'm willing to give myself time, though, and I have hope that it will come when it's ready.”

Such beautiful character growth. We all need to relearn what it is to show ourselves this kind type of grace.

“ I don't know why I insisted on doing these things, even know they won't be able to understand or read any of it. They can't speak my new languages. There's still no way for me to actually communicate with them. I sigh, laying down on the grass. I had insisted on starting this story, for some reason. I might as well finish it. Maybe not for them, but for me”

Sometimes it can silly to do or make something for yourself, but it really is very important. Even if it feels “too different” for others to understand at times. More people will probably get more out of it than you assume.

If I took a shot of water every time hope appears in Lyra Brie stories I’d be a very hydrated person.

“Maybe love is a language of its own, and you can feel it, even if you don't know what the other person is saying.”

No words. That stands on its own.

“Everything has changed. I am different. Will they be okay with that, once they understand? They'll have to get to know me all over again. But maybe some things are still the same. Maybe this old part of me can be part of the new, too.”

Im so strongly in love with this I’m going to be sick!

The moments with her parents were she’s first hugging her parents again, telling them her story and she loves them, and how much she missed them- wow. Just wow. Wow. WOW. W-O-W. It’s hard to choose a favorite moment but that just might be it.

“I hold them out to him, encouraging his healing the same way he did all those months for me” What a lovely image to close with. I adore the reoccurring flower motif through out. That supportive element of floriography becoming such a healing, comforting thing really just makes this story all the more special.

To summarize: I was made me Feel Feelings against my will.

#Caw caw #writeblr #reactions

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rgr-pop · 9 months

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went back to rosalind krauss for something unrelated only to find this nice treat i hadn't thought to look for. i admit that amniotic fluid belongs to sophie lewis to me now. "the originality of the avant-garde" comes out in 1981, though it would be anthologized in and other modernist myths in 1986, one year after "a cyborg manifesto." i feel startled, silly, and forgetful, that i can't think of where all this was coming from in that moment (i will say this again but: i have a degree in exactly this). but it is also probably true that rosalind krauss is getting left out of what we remember--even though everyone remembers this essay. i hadn't thought of "myth" as so of-the-moment, which was silly. i'm persuading myself to pick it up. the thing i came here for is about the use of Modernism for a painter today, i am rereading some basics. but there's this second thing i have a stack of books about (mary kelly), something i don't have a name for yet. one joke we have in the household is "dialectical natalism." mary kelly doesn't offer this. sylvia lavin picks up "and other postmodernist myths" in 2018--surely this had been done before, but i remember this because it transformed me. (the book turned out as other postmodernization effects, i haven't been able to get my hands on it.) i'm making a note here that i don't really know how the psychoanalytic moment is going down in the art world right now. i will ask my friends who would know.

i told him i'm going to write about his faces and he could write about his bodies. i said i don't have much to say about bodies-- wrong, i have a women's studies degree. i'm texting him right now asking what he thinks of rodin, which is how krauss opens "originality." i bought him her de kooning book about the women last year. on faces: i told him about sylvia lavin's faciality (kissing fish are also not like the Lacanian mother through whose gaze the infant’s uncoordinated body becomes a legible face, because kissing aborts the regime of faciality in toto). then i said, in the two years since we have been talking about this, i have kept this a secret from you, but what i want to talk about is "open casket." i want to write about your paintings and "open casket." so the three of us (m was there, and his mom came in and out) pulled up "open casket" on his laptop and we did a crit. he had seen it at the whitney, i don't know when. before i arrived that day he had been doing some takes on guston's "painter in bed," and we noted the similarities, we talked about her guston influences. he (m) does these paintings, and she does these paintings too, her other paintings, where faces have this comic iconography, like guston, and like george condo. she also does these paintings with the kind of muralist neoclassical modernism--monumental, totally dull compositions (to me)--that remind me, too, of early guston. i can't browse and skim her work without this driving me mad--a painter hung up totally on the twentieth century, dropping bits about her innate maternal empathy in the press to distract them from it. i could not hate an artist more than i hate her. history will vindicate us. i googled her name and guston to look for her stalking about his influence and found that she was one of the mouthpieces of the cancellation stunt. a few years ago he got me a book on guston's hood paintings, it's on the shelf in my bedroom instead of with the rest of my art books.

he saw the painting when it was up and he didn't think it was good. one of the many things to hate about this painting is that in obliterating the face she was so obviously picking up Modernism as a subject--Modernism and its stepsister, the history of seeing--then she built this elaborate cover to keep from getting caught doing something so, maybe, unfashionable in its own way. maybe that's it. this is funny because the project we are working on is essentially, well, you have to explain why you paint like this--Modernistly. so we're writing about that. i read to them (m and m) a list i had written in my notebook when i was on a train, of art world news items spilling into commentary ecosystem that maybe didn't really exist for them to spill into before that long ago. or what i wrote was: well, i think i left my stenopad at his mother's house, a panic for another day. i think i wrote, anti-woke (although that isn't what they all are): dana schutz, the staged cancellation of the philip guston show, epstein gugenheim, and the epstein clinton painting, the climate change stunts, maybe emrata v richard prince.

on bodies: we were looking at his slides. i told him i don't know what to say about bodies, so i'll ask you some questions, i'll brainstorm. i asked him if he had been thinking about the george bellows boxing pictures before he did these and he said he hadn't been. these paintings aren't really that modernist at all, but i have to talk about them as if that's what they're about because that's the only thing i know anything about. i say the thing i think about when i look at bellows's boxing paintings is the industrial sublime. i am also in this phase where i want us to coin a new _ sublime so bad. it's not just about the awe, and the upward wonder and the glow, it's more about this moment where musculature and the body was this visual technology at the center of the cultural rupture of the invention of photography, and then moving pictures. so then we looked at muybridge, i had forgotten about bacon's thing about exactly this. i find it impossible to learn anything about bacon, which is funny because i'm writing about/for a painter defending himself against accusations of warmed over bacon. i told him what we need is an essay comparing the bacon in teorema and the bacon in last tango and it feels like i'm the only one on earth here to do it but every single critical tool for making this analysis is just out of reach. i've been working on it. i shouldn't have read the deleuze. but then we're looking at these photographs and i say, you know, a unique angle i feel really qualified to talk about is the history of physique photography, which i then explain. he says he'd been working with tom of finland, and just then i remember i bought him an etienne postcard at the leather museum and i put it in the copy of the david sylvester bacon interviews he loaned me, it's here in my bag. so we look at that, and mapplethorpe, and so on. his parents are photographers, i'm helping his mother with some archives. i'm not sure this is about bodies in the same way. the hook here is that we are two people hung up on the twentieth century, wrestling with the twentieth century. (coming back to this: to be hung up on--to be strung up on a hook. like in my favorite movie about the twentieth century and the rupture of industrialization...) he has all these things to say about it, and that's good for his artist's statement. when i look at the bellows painting i see the conflict, contradiction, encounter, what have you, of the moving image. when i see muscle in motion today i am still seeing that same thing. to pick up Modernism must be in some way to pick up or analogize the conflict or contradiction of modernity. i talk about two ways to understand a history of modern painting, a very vulgar way of putting it, and that he has much more of an engagement with this genealogy of the mechanics of sight--the proposition of self and other--and me i tend to talk about the transformation of the surface. he's not sure about this especially because he's all about de kooning.

i want to move on from this and get to our "second book project," which will be a dialogue in book ("like the gayle rubin judith butler interview," as i am always saying). when we first met he was watching old buckley firing line clips. we wanted to have an old talk show like this so bad. i want to see the literary interview come back for the left and the art world. a different kind. this is hugely my bottom line. the phaidon mary kelly book has a great one with douglas crimp that does exactly what i'm looking for--a dialogue historicizing the recent past with two people on different sides of the thing. that's for another discussion, but this is all i think about. i want the dialogue, although after writing this post i think i will incorporate some such diagesis as i have here. i think i convinced him that we can call book two "dirtbag modern," which has been the title of my notes for two years. ("well, how did we meet?" "i suppose we did a podcast.") maybe amber's book will have come out, and be worth talking about...

#art

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missywritesfor7 · 9 months

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🌙Moon’s Light | JJK🌙

Synopsis: Luna is a young paralegal trying to maintain her new found independence and enjoy life. Too bad her job sucks and her boss is the worst. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she encounters a vampire named Jungkook who changes her life in more ways than one.

Jungkook is a shield and protector of the vampire kingdom of Korealis. He’s trained his entire life to block out any and all distractions and focus solely on becoming the strongest. While investigating a potential threat to the kingdom, he encounters Luna who turns out to be more than he could have ever imagined. It becomes his job to protect her, but he can’t tell if what he’s feeling is his devotion to the job or perhaps something deeper.

Secrets are uncovered. Lives are on the line. Hearts are tested.

Pairing: Vampire!Jungkook x Fem!OC

Warnings: Violence, character death, eventual smut, tragedy, some angst, strong language, MINORS DNI

Previous chapter | Next chapter | Masterlist

||Ch. 18: Power ||

Of course Jungkook wants to hide, but that won’t fix anything. She saw too much. Much more than he ever wanted to reveal to her.

“What was that about?” Luna asks pretending to not have seen his memory.

“Nothing,” Jungkook says avoiding eye contact. He sits down on the bed and lets out a heavy sigh. “We just got into a little fight.”

“Little?” She asks sitting next to him. “He sounded like he wanted to kill you.”

“He probably does.”

“Why? What did you do?”

“I just…brought up things that he doesn’t like for me to bring up.” Jungkook hates that she pretending to not know. He wouldn’t have showed her his memory if she was just going to make him say it anyway.

“What’s that?” She wants him to say it. She wants him to face it and then maybe he can learn that keeping everything inside isn’t good.

“Nothing…I asked him about my mom and why she left.” He looks at the ceiling fighting the feelings that are threatening to pour out of his eyes.

Luna can tell he’s about to hide. She can see the look deep in his eyes that he always gets when he’s about to run away from the emotions that plague him. He closes his eyes and she quickly grabs his wrist taking him by surprise.

“Don’t,” she says. “Please don’t. You can’t hide from your feelings forever.”

“I can try,” he mumbles.

“Jungkookie,” she says sending paralysis through his body. “I just want to help you. Or just be a shoulder for you I guess. I just hate to see you constantly looking like you’re about to explode because you’ve been holding on to centuries worth of shit. It’s not good for you.”

Her show of support only makes things harder for him. The way she says his name breaks him down so easily it makes him mad. He can’t be mad at her though.

“Since when do you care?” He chuckles.

“I always care,” she say’s offended. “Well kind of.”

“What does that mean?”

“I mean, you’re a creepy little spawn of satan, but you’re also kind. You’ve been looking out for me since the beginning. Even if you were a bit stalkerish about it at first,” she laughs. “What I’m saying is that if you ever need to vent or get something off your chest, I’m here.”

“Who would I go to when you’re gone?”

“Oh,” she says softly. “Well…if things work out you could always come visit me, right?”

“If things work out?” He huffs in amusement. “You mean if somehow we’re magically able to resolve all of our problems in 2 weeks and you’ll be able to go home?”

“Yeah…it’s possible, right?”

“LuLu, how possible do you really think it is?”

“There’s a chance, right? If there’s a chance then it’s worth trying.”

“It’s a slim chance. Maybe we could figure everything out, but two weeks isn’t enough time. How long will you wait before you accept what I’m telling you?”

“I don’t know,” she whispers. He’s not wrong and she knows it. At some point she’ll have to come out of her denial and accept that time is quickly running out.

“What do you have at home that you can’t leave behind?” He asks watching her eyes dart across the room. “If you need to bring any of your possessions here then you can. So who do you not want to leave behind?”

“No one,” she says sadly. “But I’ve built my entire life there. What could I possibly do here? What would I have here?”

“Me,” he whispers. “If there’s anything you need I could show you where and how to get it. Yes you would have to start over, but you wouldn’t be alone. Wouldn’t that be better than just dropping dead?”

Luna can’t answer. No matter how right she knows he is, she can’t bring herself to admit it. Home is home, she has to at least try until the very end to restore the normalcy she’s worked so hard to find.

“If I’m not enough, I’m sure Jimin would love to have you around too,” Jungkook says with a hint of sass.

“You love bringing up Jimin, don’t you?” She asks noticing how he clinches his jaw.

“I thought that would sway you. You seem to like him a lot.”

“Jungkook,” Luna says raising her brow. “Are you jealous of Jimin?”

“No,” he scoffs. “Why would I be jealous of him?”

“I don’t know, but your face and your tone make it seem that way.”

“What’s wrong with my face?” He asks rubbing his cheeks.

“You just look like a jealous little pup,” she chuckles stroking his face.

The moment is quick but spastic as a vision appears. She can see Jungkook walking into a room where he sees two people making out. He looks upset in a raging type of way. The image changes and he’s working out with his father standing over him.

“You can be mad about it all you want, but I told you she would just be a distraction. Was being stabbed in the back worth getting behind in your training? Next time you’ll listen to me when I tell you to stop looking for relationships. That’s not what your purpose is!”

The image quickly changes again to show Jungkook behind a building somewhere punching a wall and cursing through tears.

“Stop,” Jungkook says moving from Luna’s touch. She saw too much. Way too much.

“Sorry,” she says softly. “I didn’t mean to…”

“Look I’m not…I’m not jealous of Jimin,” he says trying to hide what he knows and hide that he’s incredibly embarrassed by it.

He hates that of all memories that could have run through his mind in this moment, he had to get hit with the memory of catching his ex cheating on him. With someone he thought was a friend, no less. He had tried to forget about her, but anytime he showed interest in anyone his father would use that moment to throw in his face. The worst breakup he’s ever experienced and his father thought it would be funny to keep bringing it up as an “I-told-you-so” moment. It pisses him off every single time.

“I was only teasing,” Luna says remorsefully. “Sorry.”

“It’s ok,” he says. He knows it’s not her fault, but at least now maybe she won’t do it again.

“JUNGKOOK!!!” His fathers voice can be heard bellowing through the hall.

Jungkook quickly jumps to his feet as his father comes blasting through the door like a freight train. Luna is paralyzed in fear as this red hot raging vampire instantly binds Jungkook in a forcefield and walks right towards her.

“Don’t go near her!” Jungkook shouts.

“Stand!” He says to Luna as he tightens the grip around Jungkook.

Luna stands looking up at the menacing vampire breathing down her face. He stares at her a moment registering every detail about her face in his memory.

“I don’t know who you are or what you want from my son, but you have no place here,” his father says.

“Get away from her!” Jungkook yells trying to break from his father’s forcefield as he did earlier, but so far it’s not working.

“I-I don’t want anything from him,” Luna stutters.

“I don’t want to have this conversation with you again,” his father growls. “If you know what’s best for you then you’ll leave my son to his training.”

“Who the fuck are you to come barging in here with some bullshit when you don’t even know what’s going on?!” Jungkook rages.

“I told you what would happen!” His father hisses back turning his attention to his struggling son. “Don’t you dare lose sight of what you should be focused on! We will NOT have this conversation again!”

His father raises Jungkook a foot off the ground before dropping him to the floor and storming out slamming the door behind him. Jungkook doesn’t move. He remains on the floor with his head hanging down.

“Are you ok?” Luna asks coming to his aid. She places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him but he quickly flinches out of her reach.

“Don’t,” he says. With the flashbacks running through his mind he doesn’t want her touching him at all.

“I’m sorry. Are you ok though?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says still not lifting his head. “I’m sorry that he yelled at you like that.”

“It’s ok-“

“It’s not ok!” He says punching the floor. “It’s not ok for him to keep trying to dictate my life into the ground! All because he wants to make himself look good! Fuck him!”

“Do you want to go out and get some air?” It’s the best Luna can come up with in the moment. She really doesn’t know what to say to him to make him feel any better.

“No,” he grumbles standing up. “I don’t want to go anywhere.”

He throws himself on the bed and closes his eyes. He’s sure his father will stop at nothing to sabotage whatever he thinks is going on between him and Luna. She’s already constantly facing danger, now he has to worry about his father getting in the way. What’s worse is if his father finds out what Luna really is they could be in a lot of trouble. He wishes there were somewhere safe he could keep her without having to worry.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” Luna asks sitting next to him. “Taking a walk or something could actually help.”

Jungkook sighs heavily without a word until someone knocks at his door. It’s a much more pleasant knock so they know it’s not his father coming back for more vengeance. Jungkook doesn’t move and hopes whoever it is goes away but instead they knock again.

“Jungkook, it’s Tae,” the voice on the other side of the door says.

“Do you want me to let him in?” Luna asks.

“Fine,” Jungkook grumbles without moving.

Luna goes to the door to see Taehyung standing there looking confused.

“You guys are back?” Luna asks.

“Yeah,” Taehyung says. “Where’s Jungkook?”

“He’s…” Luna turns around to see Jungkook is no longer on the bed. “Where…?”

Before anyone can see him hidden under his bed in his bunny form, he jumps out and goes running between Luna and Taehyung’s legs and out down the hall.

“Goddammit Jungkook!” Luna shouts. “Well there he goes,” she says to Taehyung who still looks confused but a little amused.

“I’m going to guess that may have something to do with this,” he says handing Luna a note. “It was on the door of the sparring room when we got back.”

Jeon Jungkook is forbidden to be in the company of anyone who is not a member of the royal family or in an appointed royal position. Any violators will have to answer to me!

-Jeon Minseok

“What the fuck is this?” Luna asks quickly waving Taehyung in and shutting the door. Jungkook’s father is probably gone by now but she doesn’t want to take any chances.

“That’s what I came to find out,” Taehyung says. “What happened?”

“I’m not sure exactly. Jungkook said something to his dad that he didn’t like. His dad came blasting in here and told me to leave his son alone. Is this…typical?”

“They fight every now and then,” he says looking over the note again. “But it’s not usually this bad unless Jungkook does something really bad. It hasn’t been like this since…” he hesitates. “It’s just been a while.”

“What made him this mad before?”

Taehyung remains silent. He simply twists his mouth to the side and says nothing more. Luna can tell he’s holding back and though she knows she shouldn’t, she can’t resist placing a hand on Taehyung’s shoulder and hoping she’s able to see something.

She can see something but she’s not quite sure what it is. It’s fuzzy but there’s shouting and the sound of things crashing. Before she can make out who’s shouting or what’s being said, Taehyung quickly snatches her wrist and stares at her with his brow raised.

“What are you doing?” He asks.

“Oh, umm I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…I mean if you don’t want me to touch-“

“No, what are you doing?” His grip on her tightens.

“I-“

“Were you trying to read me?”

“What?”

“You were trying to read my brain,” he says tilting his head. “How long have you been able to do that?”

“Read…your brain?” She asks trying to think of a lie quickly.

“What did you see?”

“Nothing, I-“

“Luna. What. Did. You. See?” He asks getting an inch in front of her face. Taehyung is typically in high spirits and it’s hard to find him without his big boxy smile painted across his face. But right now the cold shadow encasing his eyes sends shivers down her spine.

“N-nothing,” she stutters. “I didn’t see anything. It was fuzzy. I just heard shouting or something, I don’t know.”

“You see memories?” He finally releases his grip on her wrist.

“How? How did you know?”

“You made my brain itch,” he shrugs. “Happens whenever someone tries to mess with my head.”

“Really?”

“How long have you been doing this? Does Jungkook know? Have you been peeking on his memories?” He asks suspiciously.

“No, I mean, I have seen some but I had no idea what was going on. It happened after that weird coma I was in. I thought I was going crazy but it kept happening whenever I touched someone.”

“Have you told Jungkook?”

“No, I’m not really sure how. I also feel like it’s the only way I can get him to open up without him having to open up, you know?”

“So you’re just going to keep sneaking into his mind?”

“It sounds bad when you put it that way.”

“Yes it does,” he deadpans. “If you don’t tell anyone else you have to tell him. You’re with him all of the time, it’s not fair to him if you keep sneaking into his head like that. Especially after everything he’s done for you.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re really good at laying the guilt on someone?”

“It’s my expertise,” he smirks.

“Of course,” she chuckles. “When do you think Jungkook will come back?”

“Whenever he’s cooled down,” he shrugs. “No one ever really knows how long he’ll hide, we just let him have his moment.”

“Taehyung, I don’t think I can do that though. Can you do me a favor?”

Jungkook hadn’t planned to run out of the room the way he did. He was going to stay in his bed shut off from the world, but Taehyung coming over didn’t help his desire for seclusion. Old habits die hard and he found himself once again failing to resist the urge to transform. Once he did his legs just started moving.

Now he’s up on the roof cursing himself for so many reasons. Cursing his dad for even more reasons. And cursing anyone who ever dared to piss him off in his life. He’s changed back to his normal form and he’s been staring at the moon as his mind cycles through self pity and self deprecation.

“Jungkook?”

He turns to see Luna standing behind him on the roof. She looks concerned of course, but also a bit sad.

“How did you get up here?” He asks.

“Taehyung gave me a boost,” she says sitting next to him.

“I’ll be sure to give Tae a boost in his ass,” he grumbles rolling his eyes. “You shouldn’t be up here you could fall and get hurt.”

“Well I guess it’s a good thing I have a really strong muscle bunny here to keep me safe,” she smiles.

“Right, was this your plan to try to get me to come down?”

“Not exactly, but it works,” she chuckles. “But really, if you want to stay up here you can, I just wanted to check on you.”

“You worried about me?” He asks amused.

“I guess I am. It seems I worry about you more each day,” she confesses. “You always hide yourself, it makes me feel…sad.”

“Sad?” He asks surprised. “Why?”

“I don’t know, I just get the feeling that you’re too good for the shit you have to go through. You’re sweet, and funny, and easy to mess with. Then you have these dark moments where you’re really upset like today. It’s not fair the way your dad treats you. You deserve so much better and it makes me sad when you beat yourself up because of the negativity he’s been putting in your head your whole life.”

“Really?” For some reason her words feel like they’re strangling him. His heart is beating faster and his chest feels like it’s burning, but not with a raging fire, more like a large bonfire in the freezing winter snow. “You say that like you’ve known me a long time.”

“Well…” she hesitates struggling to reveal the truth to him about her visions. “It’s just…it just seems like it.”

She internally curses herself for not taking this opportunity to be honest with him. She knows he could be really upset if he finds she’s been sneaking into his head without him knowing.

“I see,” he says a little amused by her attempt at keeping her secret that he already knows. “What did Tae want?”

“He came to check in on you.”

“Me? Why?”

“Your dad…left a note on the door of the sparring room…” she’s afraid to tell him what the note says because he seems to be cooled off a bit now. She doesn’t want to set him off again or do anything that would make him go back into hiding.

“Great,” he mumbles. “Was it another one of his punishment training schedules he makes me do when he’s mad or him saying I’m not allowed to go anywhere for a few weeks?”

“No…it was more like you’re not allowed to be around anyone who’s not royal. Me.”

Jungkook looks away nodding though he’s just trying to keep from exploding again. His father has been trying to dictate his every move his entire life and he’s sick of it. All he wants is to be better, but still himself. He’s been told who he can and can’t be friends with, where he can go and how he can act. He knows it’s because his father needs him to fix his image and the family name, but he never understood why he had to be the one to do it. He’s not the one who couldn’t protect the late king. He’s sick of it all and he’s starting to feel that if he wants his dad to back off then he’ll have to fight back. He knows he’s stronger than his father, he should be able to live the life he wants. He can show everyone he’s better in his own way.

He looks at Luna who’s anxiously waiting for his reaction. She’s afraid he’ll explode but he just looks at her softly. He doesn’t know why, but having her next to him makes him feel empowered. He thought she was making him weak, that’s what he’d been trained to think about anyone outside of the palace that got too close. But he’s not weak, if anything she makes him stronger. Even through his failures she remained there reminding him that he’s not a failure, even if he didn’t believe her. But after talking with his mom he realized she was right about him being like his father. His mom tried her best to love and support him but he shut her out and pushed her to the point of leaving. He can see that that’s all Luna is trying to do and he’d been pushing her back.

“If that’s what he wants,” Jungkook says focusing his doe eyes on Luna’s. “Then I guess I better piss him off some more.”

“What?” Luna asks tilting her head in confusion.

Jungkook reaches for her face, softly stroking her cheek. She blushes a bit but is still unsure of what he’s doing. She can’t say that she doesn’t enjoy his tender touch though.

“I want you to…” Jungkook pauses not breaking eye contact. She looks so sweet to him. So sweet he has to taste. He leans in and gently presses his lips into hers. He doesn’t know how long he’d been wanting to kiss her, but now that he is he doesn’t want to stop. She’s sweet like honey, electric like lightning, and soothing like warm tea. “Stay with me.”

Luna is frozen in bliss. The feeling of his lips against hers fills her body with butterflies. She feels like every kiss she had before were nothing because kissing Jungkook is giving her an exhilarating feeling she’s never felt before.

“Stay with you?” She asks.

“Please,” he says softly resting his forehead against hers. “Every moment that passes makes me feel like I’m losing part of me because I know you don’t have much time left. I know you want to try saving yourself so you can go back home, but what if you just stayed here. Convert fully and stay with me, Luna.”

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detransed · 1 year

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hi i understand this isn’t a rant or advice acct or anything of the sort & if this is annoying to u feel free to delete it but i feel like i have to hear a radfem perspective on this bc everyone around me has convinced me i’m selfish or unfair. i recently stopped taking my birth control because i felt it was doing more harm than good. i’m considering switching the brand or upping the dose or however it works but for now i’ve decided to stop it altogether. i told my boyfriend that we’d have to use actual protection from now on unless i start a new one bc neither of us are ready for a baby and i don’t want to even risk anything and he didn’t answer my text and left me on seen. when he got home i asked him if he was mad and he told me that i should consult him before making decisions like that bc he feels that it’s unfair to him because condoms are uncomfortable and he hates wearing them and now that we’re a serious couple decisions like not taking the pill are things we have to agree on together. i told him that i felt like that’s an unfair thing to say to me bc i don’t make him come to me before going to the dr and getting new medicine or anything like that but he said that this is different bc it effects us both. i can kind of understand where he’s coming from but i still feel like as a grown woman i should be able to do things like that without asking my bf for ‘permission’ like i’m 16 and he’s my mom. i asked some of my liberal & conservative friends and they all agree that i should have talked this out with him before doing it bc it will now effect our sex life & intimacy negatively and that’s an important part of relationships. they also said since i’m only 19 and that this is my first serious relationship that i don’t understand that the choices i make in my life will effect the both of us. i genuinely feel like i’m going crazy and i might be i’m in the wrong here but i really don’t think i am. i feel i should also mention he’s very liberal and is pro-abortion and agrees w my body my choice and stuff like that. he’s sort of giving me the cold shoulder now and is being less affectionate and is texting/calling me less which is smthn he does when i’ve upset him but i rlly feel like i haven’t done anything wrong here.

Hey anon no need to apologize at all; trying to help women as best I can online is what this account is all about. That goes to anyone else reading this as well <3

This is going to be quite blunt but: your BF only believes in “your body, your choice” as long as you are doing what he wants. A women does not and will never need her BF’s permission to go on or off birth control. That is a complete violation of your bodily autonomy.

He expects you to put up with the physical and mental side effects of birth control 24/7 so that his sex can be, what, a little better for him? Wearing a condom is the minimum a man can do. What he is doing by giving you the cold shoulder until you acquiesce to his demands is manipulative and bordering on emotional abuse. I would take this a big red flag. Now, many radfems will say you should dump a man at the first major red flag and honestly I agree with this perspective but this is some advice if you do want to continue the relationship : Make a list of every side affect you experienced from birth control and how often if affected you. Read it to him and ask him honestly, is his “discomfort” from condoms worth you going through that? If he says it is, you will have to break up with him . Do not give in to using BC because of him, it will only be the first in a long line of concessions you will be expected to make for him. If he is reasonable and apologizes and says he did not understand, then your relationship can continue.

TLDR: You did NOTHING wrong by going of birth control. Your boyfriend is being unreasonable and sex feeling a tad better for him is not worth your health

#radfem #radical feminism #long post

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shxtodxroki · 11 months

Note

Hi! So I did send a request but I kinda realized that it was an annon request and I'm not sure if you do those since I didn't see it when I was looking for your rules? Or how old you would prefer but I'm 18.. Also I was sleep deprived as hell and half asleep while writing it soo I don't really remember what it says, I mean I vaguely do but mostly not so I'm going to re-write it! If that's okay of course do not feel pressured to do this or not it's chill if you don't want to. And this is just and ask for MHA matchup just preferably not bakugo or deku I'm very open to side characters like sero or shoji I'm also bi 🏳️‍🌈

Appearance: im a 4'9 Latina girl she/her Curly Dark hair that reaches mid back, I almost always have my hair up in some kind of way. I like my hair down but I feel like I look wierd with it down at the same time? So I only have it down around people I really like. I have dimples, round glasses I need but lose all the time, some tats on my arm Many beauty marks all over my legs and arms and three on my face that I like, big ass Dark eyes with decent lashes, button nose, and I'm fit? I have a pear body because I have a big but and bumper car thighs :( and I dress colorful, kinda retro. Big Chunky earrings and sneakers, bell bottoms and mom jeans with flowers embroidered on, colorful eyeliner, Colorful tube tops or crop tops or just like an oversized shirt, messenger bags, varsity jackets, and if my hair is down head scarfs ( like a bandana not hijab although hijab is really pretty too) and I do have an affinity for oversized hoodies.

Personality: Im a Sagittarius! Mbti- Enfp, Hufflepuff, My fav color is orange and my favorite flower is a marigold. I'm usually a very rational person I don't go into a situation guns blazing and I examine absolutely everything before jumping in, after a brief period of Examining however I'm completely different I'm loud, energetic, Creative, playful, social, bubbly, silly, Assertive, dramatic, very affectionate and loving, and sickeningly sarcastic. I would rather get trampled on by elephants than make someone mad or disappointed but I will not tolerate being treated like shit by people I don't know and will be able to hold my ground. I'm good at arguing but I'm always willing to admit I'm wrong and dont love doing it. I'm a peace keeper who hates when other people fight so I help whoever is fighting work out their issues so everything is good again :) but I have punched people before for my brother so I'm not afraid of violence I just don't like drama or people being mad. Im an adrenaline junkie and love doing stupid shit like playing chicken in the street and trying new stuff. I'm adaptive and have many friends from different places and social groups and I'm like a chameleon, I adapt to those who are around me. I'm always smiling or laughing or joking or at least trying! I'm a busy bee! I hate staying still and not doing anything. I love going outside or going out in general I am a full blown extrovert! Im pretty playful and childish but Im a perfectionist and want to be the best at everything I do, very competitive. I'm very talkative and accidentally ramble or repeat myself. Im a hopeless romantic, I believe absolutely everyone has a someone and I like the kissing in the rain and little picnics or chilling at home to watch a really dumb movie. I love joking around getting others to laugh! I like having inside jokes or little personal moments and I take a lot of pics all the time. My friends have told me I'm very comforting and helpful when they are panicking and I've always liked that I work great under pressure. I can run solely off the serotonin of 1 compliment for week. I'm low-key a neat freak. My friends and family say I'm a bright light and it makes me really happy they feel that way. I value family and friends above all else. I am more than happy to give up an opportunity given to me so a Friend could have it. I'm a ball of energy who has a lot of love to give. And finally my love language is giving gifts and physical touch when I make a friend that is really close I make paper origami butterflies in their fave colors to give them, I make food or give people snacks to show love and I like getting that stuff in return. I'm not huge on PDA but as long as we aren't full on making out or cuddling in public we good 😊 I just get embarrassed sometimes. But I love giving hugs and kisses and I tell people I love them all the time.

Interests/likes: I love reading, writing, running, drawing, anything to with getting lost in my own world. I kayak, surf, swim, workout out and love decorating, I love to play sports like cross country and volleyball and music is amazing (concerts are my favorite thing ever) I like screaming the lyrics to my fave songs, I have fake plants cause I can't remember to keep real ones Alive and and I have two fur babies biscuit the tabby cat and Poco the Border collie. I babysit young kids all the time, I like playing in mud or getting into mud wars (me and my brother and some neighbors did it all the time when we were younger) I love coffee and tea (Ik such a surprising and original trait to have) but it taste great so I like curling up with a romance novel listening to rain out side with tea and some quiet music playing. I like star gazing or doing late night shinanagins. I'm a bit of a shopoholic when It comes to clothes 😅

Dislikes: DOLLS (I fucking hate them) being sick, being underestimate, being pitied or helped, axe body spray, dancing (not a hate but just something I can't do for the life of me.) And finally my laugh, it's not like a cute little one, no its a loud obnoxious annoying one, I laugh a lot but I'm very self conscious about it.

Bad stuff: I seem happy and energetic all the time but I'm really not, I'm tired and feel like shit but I cannot stand asking for help, ever. Unless I'm actively bleeding out I won't ask for help and even then I'll try to drive myself to the hospital first, I'm stubborn and procrastinate a lit, I will work myself so hard on being the best till I break and can't function anymore. I'm very fidgety When I'm stressed I tend to hit myself or pull my hair. I can get very overstimulated or triggered and will get very quiet and curl up and that is a cue I need to leave or get anxiety meds but I need someone to hold me for a good minute or I'll dissociate. I have a hard time letting my feelings out because I feel like I have to be bright and happy all the time to keep others happy and safe it'll eventually build up to the point I break and all my self poison comes out. some days I struggle with my mental disorders so bad I just need love and to be told I'm pretty, which sounds stupid and vain but anorexia and body dysmorphia is not fun and that's the simplest way to help. I have depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD and anorexia. Sometimes the happy version of me is to much and I have to take a break and lay down and just have a day with my significant other without people in a space where I'm okay to cry I need people to not freak out when I'm not a ball bursting with energy and just want to sit down and play crash bandicoot, it doesnt mean im mad I just need to recharge!! And I still love everyone just as much even when I'm having a horrible day but I need to know it's okay to be shy sometimes.

I'm sorry this is so long, I again have a habit to ramble but just know your a great writer and I love your stuff! (No this isn't me kissing up) and if you don't want to write this it's perfectly fine, thank you for even reading it, I remember the first time I sent the request I was feeling really overwhelmed and I'm sorry that I'm still a bit overwhelmed so if any of what I wrote was triggering I'm very deeply sorry and I hope you have a good day I just can't pay for therapy and prepping for college is stressful.

Hi hi there, first of all thank you for being so sweet in your request and for the compliments on my writing, it really means a lot to me :) Second of all, I already said most of this when I messaged you before so I'll try not to repeat myself much, but you don’t need to apologize at all, for rambling or for feeling overwhelmed. I appreciate how cautious you are, but I don’t mind being a place to vent if you guys ever need it, so your request was perfectly fine. :] I hope you enjoy your match-up, thank you again for being so kind and for giving me so much information to work with because it really helped! :D

I’d Match You With:

Mezo Shoji! :D

Reasoning:

I swear I already had him picked out for you even before you sent your most recent request lol, when I saw that you were open to side characters and read through your request my mind immediately went to Shoji! He seems like the type of boyfriend who would be good to you and who could give you the love you need, he’d be able to meet your needs and show you the love and care you deserve <3

Headcanons About Your Relationship:

- Shoji knows you typically have your hair up, and his dupli-arms are perfect for doing your hair so he loves helping you out and styling your hair if you’re willing to let him <3 It’s not something he has a lot of experience in, so you’ll have to help and guide him through things a bit whenever he’s trying out a new hairstyle for the first time, but he catches on quickly and loves doing your hair for you once he does <3

- He also likes tracing his fingers delicately along the lines of your tattoos, or tracing lines between your beauty marks like constellations <3 he thinks they’re all so beautiful and this is one of the more subtle ways he likes to show affection to you, sometimes he’ll even press gentle pecks on your beauty marks if the two of you are alone and he's feeling extra affectionate

- Shoji will give you all his oversized hoodies to wear without you even needing to ask because he knows you love them, and it makes his heart flutter whenever he sees you wearing them out in public <3 He’s too shy to initiate much PDA in public, so he likes when you wear his hoodies while you’re out because he gets to show off his beautiful girlfriend without being too obvious about it at the same time

- Shoji absolutely hates arguing with you, so he makes sure he never gets to the point where you even have to snap at him or escalate things. He knows you’re more than willing to stand your ground and he's glad you're willing to call him out when necessary, and he’s always very receptive when you tell him you’re upset with him because he wants to resolve the issue and improve upon his weaknesses so that he doesn’t hurt you in any way. He’s very good at receiving and adapting to any concerns you have, so arguments never really escalate between the two of you

- Shoji’s definitely much more introverted in comparison to you, but you’re able to compromise in your relationship so that both of your needs get met <3 As long as you’re willing to give him a bit of time to himself/in the house to recharge (which he knows you also need on occasion, so this works out well for both of you), he’s happy to go out with you and your friends with you as well, although you’ll typically be leading the conversions with occasional additions from him as he gently squeezes your hand for reassurance

- Shoji definitely gets pretty shy when it comes to doing romantic gestures for you, but he’s also a very romantic guy despite his nerves so he fulfills all your cheesy romance dreams :> Walking you home after a date as rain gently falls around the two of you and eventually leaning in to press a tentative kiss to your lips (and taking care of you if you end up getting sick later lol), setting up cute little picnic dates, he’s the most romantic boyfriend you could ever ask for even if he’s shy about it

- Shoji’s big on subtle physical touch, especially hugs when the two of you are alone :D He constantly has at least one arm wrapped around you if he’s not holding you completely, with all of his arms. However, he’s much more shy when it comes to kisses ^^ He really likes them though, he’s just too nervous to initiate most of the time so you may have to initiate more often than not if you want kisses from him lol

- Shoji definitely seems like the type of person who really enjoys concerts as well, and as the two of you have been together for a longer period of time his music taste starts to blend with yours, so he frequently gifts you concert tickets so the two of you can go see your favorite bands/artists together <3 He definitely brings earplugs for himself to protect his ears a bit, too, and a pair for you as well if you want them!

- Shoji absolutely adores the sound of your laugh, he knows that you’re self conscious about it so he doesn’t want to draw too much attention to it or make you feel insecure in any way, but occasionally when the two of you are alone and he makes you laugh he tells you how much he adores the sound of you laughing, and how much it warms his heart to see the person he loves the most so happy <3

- Once you feel comfortable enough in your relationship to open up with Shoji about your mental health struggles, he tries his absolute best to support you in every way you can <3 And he makes sure that you know that he never thinks that you're stupid or vain or upsetting him in any way by needing his support (because you're not, you're just struggling and can't fight all on your own which is more than understandable), he just wants to do whatever he can to lessen your struggles because he loves you <3 Whenever he sees that you’re struggling he’ll find a way for you to take a mental health day if at all possible. He’s happy to just stay at home with you all day so you don’t feel any pressure to act happy or bubbly, and he’s willing to either cuddle you or give you space depending on what you need. He’ll happily spend the whole day pampering you and telling you how gorgeous you are and just how much you mean to him/how thankful he is to have you, even going as far as to explain every reason why he loves you as much as he does. He just wants to do whatever he can as your boyfriend to help you work through your struggles <3

Song For Your Relationship:

Unconditionally by Katy Perry :)

#{✏️} - bee's writing #{💭} - bee answers #{💬} - requests #{🌻} - cajinchicken #mha matchup #mha matchups #bnha matchups

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inochinoyomikata · 1 year

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Inochi no Tabekata ch 3-4 Translation

Chapter 3-4 閉ざされた彼女の響かぬ声 Her closed, unheard voice Kon-Chiami

Who is that?

I forgot already.

I told mama about someone.

“You know, XX-chan, she bought a XX stuffed toy.”

I just said so.

To tell the truth, I was a little bit hopeful that if I talked about it, I might be able to buy it too.

Just a little?

I knew.

“‘Chia-chan?’ Mama, you always say that, right? ‘XX-chan is XX-chan, Chia-chan is Chia-chan, right? Other people are other people, right?’ ‘Myself is myself,�� right?”

Mama would get mad, Chia-chan knew. ‘Chia-chan is Chia-chan. I won’t say it again.’ Mama will get mad at me. ‘Don’t compare yourself to other children. Chia-chan is Chia-chan.’ I’m different from other children. Mama’s precious Chia-chan. Chia-chan is special. Just one person. Chia-chan is important. Mama’s child, more important than anyone else.

“What should I do for summer vacation, Chia-chan? XX-chan’s family is going to Hawaii. XX-chan’s mom said they were going to Saipan for the new year. Papa can’t take time off work. Papa is always like that. I met XX at the class reunion for the first time in a while, but he said he built a house. A house. I don’t want to live in an apartment all the time. What should I do for summer vacation?”

Chia-chan is fine anywhere. Whether it's summer break, winter break, or spring break, mama can do whatever she wants. The piano, ballet, English conversation class, swimming, cram school, everything was decided by mama. If Chia-chan says she doesn’t want to go, mama will get very angry.

“Who do you think it's for? Chia-chan? It's for you, isn’t it?”

Chia-chan had wanted to try calligraphy. Who was it? I was envious of someone who was taking lessons and had good handwriting, but when I asked my mom, she got angry.

“XX-chan is XX-chan, Chia-chan is Chia-chan, right? Others are strangers and yourself is yourself, right? Mama always says that, doesn’t she? Why don’t you understand, Chia-chan!”

I didn’t understand, it was my fault.

Other people are other people, myself is myself.

Mama decided what was for Chia-chan.

Because Chia-chan was important to mama.

Chia-chan is special to mama.

‘But mama, Chia-chan is really bad at piano and ballet.’ I just got scolded by mama. ‘English isn’t fun at all.’ ‘Swimming is tiring and very troublesome.’ Mama got mad and yelled at me. “In that case, quit now! The monthly fee is a waste!” I go to cram school because I’m afraid my grades will drop and my mom will scold me, but I really don’t want to go.

“It’s okay. Because Chia-chan is Chia-chan. Chia-chan can be Chia-chan. Mama loves Chia-chan the way she is. Right? Chia-chan, do you understand?”

Since when?

You will definitely get angry.

When mama calls me “Chia-chan,” it's kind of like that. My body shivers. I have trouble breathing. I feel terrible. I can’t say this because I don’t want to upset my mama. Because mama loves Chia-chan, and Chia-chan loves mama too. But. Maybe.

Maybe it’s not me who loves mama, but “Chia-chan” who loves mama.

I wish I hadn’t quit piano, ballet, English conversation classes, and swimming. Because mama wanted me to do them. If I don’t listen to mama, I won't be “Chia-chan” anymore and will be hated. I want to do things, but I don’t do them. “Chia-chan” doesn’t make mama angry.

When I became a junior high school student, there were many children with smartphones, I wanted one too, I want one, I want one, I want one. I couldn’t stand it, but if I asked my mama, she would definitely get angry, so I went all out and asked papa, and he bought one.

Mama got into a big fight with papa. Mama was yelling late into the night.

“You won’t buy me a single ring, but when she pesters you, you give her anything! Who am I to you?! How much do you think I’ve sacrificed for you and our daughter?!”

I pretended not to hear. Aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aaaa-aa-aaaaaa- I can’t hear anything can’t hear can’t hear aa-aaaa can’t hear can't hear I cannot hear aa-aa-aa.

Mama is scary when she gets angry. Don’t make her angry. It’s easy when she's not angry. Everyone praised mama. On the outside, mama is very sociable, and when “Chia-chan” was in elementary school, she did lots of things like PTA activities. She had many friends. Papa’s parents, my grandma and grandpa, are more supportive of mama than papa. Mama likes “Chia-chan.” She’s Chia-chan’s mama.

I wonder if it's my fault. Maybe it’s my fault. It’s not like I don’t look as good on the outside as mama, but I’m not a kind person. I can’t smile if I don’t put my heart in it. I would compare myself to other children. I don’t have many friends either. I secretly spit out darkness on the SNS. If I do not, it hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, and I can’t endure it.

At this rate, I may no longer be “Chia-chan,” and mama might hate me.

I’m doing my best. I try to be nice to my friends and tell them “say anything,” and I’ll accept anything. Even if there is something I want, I just endure it. I do what mama says as much as possible. I’m careful not to make mama angry, because I don’t want her to be angry. Even when mama calls me “Chia-chan” I’m horrified, but I try to laugh and say “What is it, mama?” I’m doing my best.

There are people who encourage me when I vent my darkness on social media, and I get quite a bit of encouragement, and people tell me that I’m not at fault, but I guess I’m at fault.

(Isn’t that funny?)

Sometimes I hear voices.

Funny?

Who?

(It’s you.)

Me?

(It’s your fault.)

I’m sure it is.

I wish I could have been mama’s beloved “Chia-chan.”

#inochi no tabekata #inochi no tabekata translation #e ve

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iamfruitie · 2 years

Text

In Too Deep Chapter 15

A Trade

After cleaning up, Mare spent some time laying in the bed with Mad. He found himself on his side and just lazily running his hand through Mad’s hair as he kept his head propped up with the other one. Not shocked at all that Mad had fallen asleep and was now curled up against his chest. It was kind of cute how easy it was to wear him out. Mare softly smiled as he looked down at Mad, a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest. That feeling’s been growing more lately and he didn’t understand it, but it just felt so nice and it was always when he was with Mad. Mad must be a special kind of human to be able to do this to him.

“Damn it,” Mare grumbled when his phone went off, the ring tone telling him who it was. He stretched back and picked his phone up, answering it with a grunt.

“Don’t get pouty with me.” Phantom’s voice was on the other end. “Now get your dick out of boyfriend-”

“Not my boyfriend.” Mare looked down when he felt Mad move, seeing him nuzzling against him and letting out a little hum. He felt that fuzzy feeling once more as Phantom spoke to him.

“Get your dick out of your not boyfriend and come down here, you got a big job.” Phantom hung up right after saying that.

“Fucking-” Mare cut his curse short. “Hey, Madsy?”

“Five more minutes, mom.” Mad mumbled, still mostly asleep.

“I-” Mare was not ready for that. “I-I gotta go work.” He awkwardly got out of the bed.

“Love you.” Mad adjusted himself and was fully out once again.

Mare fully froze at that, thankful no one was around to see how red his face got from that. He knew that Mad thought he was speaking to his mother, but something about hearing him say that towards him got his brain to stop and his body to go warm.

That was not good

No. It was fine. Everything was fine.

Mare quickly shoved that emotion away and he went to the bathroom. He did his business, changed into fresh clothing, and wrote a quick note before heading off.

x~x~x

Mad woke up very early the next morning, finding himself alone in the bed except for a piece of paper next to his head. The note told Mad that Mare had to work and he’ll be back when he was done, unsure of how long he’ll be gone. Mad stretched with a squeak and got out of bed, seeing Mare’s dirty clothes in the corner of his room. He went over to the little pile and nudge it with his foot over to the little door on his wall. Opening it showed a little hole and he kicked the clothes into it, sending them down to the laundry room.

“Hawk, remind me in twenty minutes to work on laundry, please.”

“Twenty-minute reminder, set.”

“Thank you.” Mad sang out of habit, making his way to the kitchen.

He went into a common movement of making coffee, checking his phone as he waited for it to brew, made a large mug of coffee with some very sugary creamer, and headed for the lab. He also gave Al plenty of pets between each step, the cat purring loudly and happy Mare wasn’t there. Al stayed behind to get some water and felt confident that he could make it to the lab on his own.

Mad was taking a sip from his coffee as he walked into the room, almost choking on it when he was greeted by Phantom just standing there. He took a moment to cough and try to catch his breath, Phantom still just standing there and waiting.

“Why are you here? Mare’s out.” Mad coughed one more time and walked past Phantom. He needed to make sure he didn’t mess with anything important.

“That’s why I am here. Mare’s gone and I have to babysit you.” Phantom casually spun on his heel and followed Mad.

“I do not need to be babysat.” Mad scoffed, seeing that only a few notebooks were out of place. They weren’t torn or wrinkled or anything, appearing to only have been peeked at and moved.

“Are you only going to drink coffee or are you going to actually eat?” Phantom sat on one of the tables.

“You two really are brothers.” Mad grumbled, sitting himself down in one of the many chairs in the lab. He sipped from his mug and had the other lay across a notebook he was going to be working in while Mare was gone, not wanting him to see those notes. Mad was going to need to keep this one hidden away since it seems both of the twins liked to look at his notebooks.

“Thankfully we have different tastes.” Phantom chuckled. “I’m more of a fan of the big, muscley ones.”

“Good for you.” Mad turned so he was facing away from Phantom.

“What does your friend like? Is he a top or bottom?”

“Is he a what or a what?” Mad slightly turned back towards him.

“During sex does he give more of a you vibe or a Mare vibe in the bed?” Phantom held up his hands, gesturing them as if they were holding the options he said. “Or is he a switch? Like, doesn’t care, can go one way or the other?”

“I’m not talking about Jackie like that.” Mad flipped open his notebook, pulling the pencil out of the spine.

“Oh come on!” Phantom whined. “Give me something to work with!”

“I don’t-” Mad stopped himself and thought about it for a second. He now had a second vampire here, one he could use to help compare the differences between two sets of vampire blood. They said they were twins, how close would their blood actually be? “Well…” Mad popped his lips and he went back to fully facing Phantom.

“That’s a thinking face, right there.” Phantom chuckled.

“I can tell you what he likes.” Mad’s met Jackie’s exes before and they did share a few things in common personality-wise.

“There’s a but in that offer.”

“I’d like some blood from you as well.” Mad watched as Phantom chuckled and then crossed his legs, looking at Mad with a tilted head.

“Aren’t you only supposed to be studying Mare?”

“Mare doesn’t need to know.” Mad waited as Phantom let out an excited laugh. Phantom jumped off of the table and walked over to Mad, sticking his arm out towards him.

“Take what you need~”

------------

Tag List: (Feel free to ask to be added!)

@dungeon-dragons-dragons @justyoursicanon @angst-anonn @damnthedead

#madmare #fruitie writes

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ava-does-dumbassery · 2 years

Note

Hey, I saw you deleted your comments off my post about Seward and I just wanted to let you know that I did value and appreciate your input.

I know I didn’t reply but to be completely honest I was in the car on a road trip irl and really tired and couldn’t figure out how to respond to something so clearly heartfelt and thought-out. My body wanted me to just write “k thx 👍” and be done but I knew in my brain that it deserved a thoughtful reply and so I decided to wait until I had more energy.

But then I went to reply just now and ✨lo and behold✨ it was gone. So I just wanted to let you know you’re not cringe, (in case that’s why you did it, I know there’s other reasons you might have) and to reply to you now (which is actually better since asks don’t have a character limit and I’m incapable of saying things concisely.)

Medical malpractice, especially in psych, is a huge and horrible problem that is bigger than any one person (or fictional character) and I’m really, really sorry that it happened to you. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have had nothing but positive experiences in my trips in and out of the psych system. But I’m rich and I’m white and my mom is a doctor and I know that my experiences are not the majority.

I want you to know that I don’t respect Seward as a character, and I don’t think he’s kind, and I don’t condone his actions. I think you’re right in saying that he’s not like “prevented from being the good kind cinnamon roll that he really is” by his contemporaries, and that he’d be a morally gray character in any context.

But at the same time, I personally really relate to him. (I think that was evident enough from my original post lol.) I relate to feeling like you’re broken, and going to lengths to clinically understand yourself. I relate to feeling like you must be mad. I relate to feeling like there’s something wrong with you that nobody can see, and wanting them so badly to see it but at the same time never wanting anyone to know. I relate to being put in positions of power, to being “gifted,” to being “attractive,” and to feeling like you’re not the right person to be doing this.

I even relate to the bad parts of him - the low empathy, the way he takes out his disappointment about Lucy’s proposal out by intentionally inducing distress in Renfield, and then writing so clinically about it later. I fear and hate those parts of myself, and reading about Seward doesn’t make me more likely to indulge them. On the contrary, it makes me look at them more critically. It makes me say, “oh look, I’m not uniquely horrible for having this thing inside of me. There are other people like me, and here’s an example of what not to do about it.” If I were to continue to bury it and beat myself up about it in secret, it would be a lot easier and feel a lot better when I get the opportunity to let it out. But knowing that I’m not alone holds me accountable.

And yet I don’t want that projection to be a rose-tinted lens. I did think that Seward was…a lot kinder than he evidently turns out to be. And that’s because, (to be completely objective godIhatesayinggoodthingsaboutmyself,) I’m a fairly kind person, and I relate to his position being in authority over people he knows he’s not that different from. But I try to be critical of myself while still liking myself, and that absolutely carries over into how I read books.

I understand not being able to like Seward because of personal trauma. But I want you to know that I’m not trying to undermine what Renfield and you and everyone who’s gone through medical abuse at the hands of someone like Seward has experienced just because I like the man and I think he’s autistic. He sucks and I’m extremely critical of him and I cannot WAIT to cyberbully the everliving shit out of him, and I’m grateful to you for letting me know that he’s not as good as I thought he was. I have trouble changing my internalized perceptions even in the face of evidence, and otherwise I might have been as convinced of his kindness as he evidently is that vampires aren’t real.

Along that vein, it does sounds like he gets worse. But it also sounds like I’m only going to relate to him more.

I don’t think there’s more I can say without rambling or repeating myself, but thank you for letting me know about the “mad doctor” notes and the trope subversion. I’ve tried writing this sentence several times with some bullshit about how it’s going to “enhance my reading experience” or “deepen my understanding” but the truth is that nothing can convey my feelings on the matter better than the following:

👀👀👀 HEWWO??? 😳😳😳 sLURPSLURP 😋😋😋😋 *rubs my little handses together* OOOHOHOHO CANNOT W A I T heehehehehe thankyou thankyou >:) EXCITED!!!!

Anyway. Sorry for writing a fucking essay. And for being generally pretentious, and if it’s genuinely morally wrong for me to like a character who represents something so shitty about the real world. But!!! Now I have more to be embarrassed about for putting this in your inbox than you do for putting your thoughts in my comments!!! And genuinely, I love reading and literature and literary analysis so if you answer this with something equally wrong guarantee I will read and enjoy it.

So Um. Ya.

Yeah thank you for this!

A lot of the discussion I have with people online feel like complete miscommunications where I feel like I’m not coming across clearly and like I’m misinterpreting/misunderstanding what the other person is saying somehow, so this was really nice.

/gen

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lovemesomesurveys · 2 years

Text

When was the last time you fell?: It’s been a long time.

What's the last flavor of ice cream you had?: I think mint chocolate chip. Ugh, that sounds so good.

Do you know a Stephen?: No.

Green or Purple?: I like shades of both.

Are you currently mad at anyone?: Myself.

Do you own any sundresses?: No.

Have you done any deep cleaning recently?: No, I’m not able to do anything right now. But let’s be real even if I wasn’t laid up in the hospital I wouldn’t be doing any “deep” cleaning, ha.

Have you ever cooked a meal for a large group of people?: I can’t cook unless it’s ramen or something I can throw into the oven or microwave. I mean, I’ve made ramen for someone else as well and cooked an oven pizza or baked something that others had too, so I guess if you want to count those things lol.

Do you like reading peoples survey answers?: Yeah.

Do you check your email daily?: I do. Mainly just to get rid of the notifications.

Have you ever used a whole tube of chapstick or do you usually lose it before doing so?: I don’t think I’ve ever finished one.

When did you last wash your hands?: Earlier.

Do you enjoy being outside in the rain?: I enjoy the rain from indoors.

What are some lyrics to the last song you listened to?: “Save me from the nothing I’ve become…”

Do you ever read the newspaper or get all your news online or television? : I couldn’t tell ya the last time I read a newspaper.

Have you ever watched a meteor shower?: No.

Does the number 8 have any significance to you? : It’s actually my favorite number. I see it often, too.

Who has the best hair that you know?: My aunts and a lot of my cousins. They have thick, long, really nice hair. I didn’t inherit that, sadly.

Have you ever been to an aquarium? : Yes.

Are you currently happy? : No.

What's a reason for your happiness?: —

Is there a light on in the room you're in?: Yes there is.

Do you know anyone that has a birthday today?: Nope.

Have you ever been to a car show?: No, not my thing.

Do you like grocery shopping?: I do. I like picking out what I want and seeing what new stuff there might be.

Have you ever been in a play?: Yeah, in like 3rd grade.

Can you see a mirror from where you're at?: No.

Do you have a large or small backyard?: It’s small.

Do you like blueberries? : I don’t eat them alone, but I like them mixed into stuff like muffins and waffles or in a smoothie.

What's your favorite flavored water?: I like Propel flavored ones and those Ice ones.

If given opportunity, would you go to outer space?: Nooo. Just the idea of outer space scares me.

Do you own a record player?: Nope.

Has religion ever come between you and somebody?: No.

When did you last have an important conversation with someone?: I have a lot of those nowadays.

Does caffeine cause you to get shaky? : Nah. I drink coffee and soda cause I like it, but caffeine doesn’t help me much. It does help take the edge off, but I don’t feel energized. The only time I felt shaky was when I had some Rockstar variety several years ago. I think it was the punch one.

Is there a scar on your body that you can't explain? : Not that I know of.

Have you ever accidentally shut your finger up in a door?: Omg, yes. Excruciatingly painful.

What would you say that most people know you for?: I don’t know? I’m not anybody of importance.

What's your favorite kind of juice?: I actually kinda like apple juice now. I never used to, or any juice actually, but I had a few when I first got here pre-breathing tube and I oddly liked it.

Do you have any stuffed animals?: Yeah, a ton.

What are you up to today?: Apart from the usual, I’ve been visiting with my mom since late afternoon watching one of our shows.

Do you wear hats often?: Yeah.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? : Nope.

Do you own a religious book?: Several.

Have you ever owned a wreck it journal?: Yes.

What did you last purchase?: A couple gift cards.

What was a celebrity you liked as a kid?: Like the popular celebs in the 90s.

What did you last eat that was spicy?: I can’t eat spicy food anymore so I don’t even remember. Damn, I miss that.

Have you ever had tofu?: Nope. It doesn’t look or sound appealing to me.

Would you or have you ever held a snake?: Nooooo.

Do you peel your apples before eating them?: I just would cut them into slices and left the peel alone. Or had the ones that already come that way.

Do you season your food a lot?: I do like my seasoning and sauces.

Do you ever light incense? : No.

Is there anything you'd like to say to someone?: Meh.

What are you currently wearing?: A blue hospital gown.

Have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night just to talk to someone?: Yeah.

What was the last social event you went to?: My brother’s grad party last year.

Do you use the word "like" excessively? : Yeah, lol.

What are your thoughts on horse races?: I don’t watch them.

Do you watch The Simpsons or any other cartoons?: Stuff from my childhood. I never got into The Simpsons.

Do you find tattoos attractive? : No, but I don’t mind if someone has a few. I’m admittedly not a fan of a lot of tattoos or face tats, but that’s a personal preference. You do you.

If you have a car, does it have a name?: —

Why did you last see a doctor?: I’ve seen a lot of doctors for different things a lot while being here.

Do you get light headed after getting blood drawn?: Yes. It’s never an easy task either. They often have trouble and I end up having to be poked more than once. When I first got here both my arms were messed up because of that. Given the state I was in when I came, they had an even harder time.

What did you first think of this morning?: Here we go again…

When did you last cry?: Today. Daily, basically.

What's the funniest thing you've seen today?: Nothing really.

Have you ever been snorkeling? : Nooo. I can’t swim and deep water scares me.

Are you clumsy? : I have my moments.

Do you prefer satin, cotton, or flannel sheets?: Mine are cotton. Flannel is nice, but it gets too hot.

What's your favorite kind of jam/jelly?: Grape and strawberry.

What's on your bedside table currently?: I don’t know currently since I haven’t been home and my room has been rearranged and straightened up so I’m sure some of the things have been moved.

What's the best compliment you've received recently?: The nurses and my family say I’m looking better, but I don’t see it.

What's some things you always make sure to pack before going on a trip?: My medicine and medical supplies are most important and then like my phone, wallet, laptop, and all the other typical things like clothes and toiletries.

What's one of your strengths?: Hm.

Have you ever spent more than $100 on a pair of shoes?: No.

Would you say you're an impulsive person?: No.

What have you last been diagnosed with?: A few things.

What's something that makes you quirky?: I’m not quirky.

What types of cheese do you consume the most? : I love various kinds of cheese.

Do you purchase extended warranties on your electronics? : Sometimes.

What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Probably a diner.

What was the last sweet beverage you had?: Pepsi. Sigh, I miss soda.

Do you believe in psychic ability? : No.

Have you ever won any carnival games before?: Nope.

What was the last fun thing you did?: The last time I went to the movies with my fam. That was when the latest Dr. Strange came out. I would have been seeing the new Thor tonight if I weren’t stuck here. We always go opening day or weekend at least to see the new Marvel movies. I won’t be able to see it until it’s released on Disney+ so avoiding spoilers is going to be pretty much impossible.

Do you wear glasses?: I do.

What song did you last have on repeat?: I don’t recall the last song I was really into and listened to often. I’ve hardly listened to any music the past couple years to be honest, which is odd.

When did you last have pizza delivered?: Some time in May.

What do you normally pay for your hair cuts?: When I went I also would have my hair dyed so it was pretty pricy.

What's your favorite decoration in your place of residence? : All my stuff.

How many computers/laptops are in the building you're in?: I’m in the hospital, there’s numerous computers.

Have you ever been to a rodeo?: No.

What frosting goes best on cake?: Buttercream.

How long does it take you to get ready?: Like an hour.

Do you do some form of exercise daily?: I should be doing arm exercises.

Have you ever won a big prize for something? : I won $100 on a scratcher, ha. I was pretty excited cause it’s just a couple bucks if anything but generally nothing at all, so that was cool.

Do you think it's true that good things come to those who wait?: It can, but it’s not a given. You shouldn’t expect to just do nothing and you’ll get it.

Do you show your feelings?: I can’t hide or downplay them like I used to. My emotions took control over me.

Have you ever held a chicken?: No.

Would you rather feel too much or nothing at all?: I wouldn’t want to feel nothing at all cause feeling good things is good and emotions in general make us humans and not robots. There’s definitely times I wish I didn’t feel anything, though.

Are you hard to please?: No.

What is today's date?: July 7, 2022.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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soulofthegoldsea · 6 months

Text

It goes both ways

Akuji lay on the ground tired from the fight with Leona, Akuji didn't bother getting up from the ground her body to tired and she feels her fake arm has broken in half no one knows about her arm and she wants it to stay that way. Grim looked over to his caregiver he felt worry take over his small form, yes he may be rude and annoying but he really does care for the white haired girl. He walks over to her and sits down next to her.

Akuji. Oh i am fine Grim just need a break. That took a lot out of me just need to rest.

Akuji blacked out and she could hear the small monster yell for her. Akuji woke up in the nurses office with Grim in the crook of her neck, he is sleeping and purring at the same time. Her body felt heavy and the nurse came in.

Akuji. You saw it didn't you?

Nal. Yes why have you not told anyone.

Akuji. Don't tell anyone even the damn crow. It's my secret to keep and when i am ready i will tell them.

Akuji feel back to sleep her mental state is not as strong right at the moment she misses her mom and sister. Bia is a smart girl and is more than likely with her mom going through all of the different worlds looking for her. Oh and she knows her mom had one of her anger outburst and is on a rage filled fight looking for her. Karrigan Larose known as Viper the Goddess of Creation and the mother of Akuji is one of the most important people in her life. A couple of days later things went back to normal but Akuji's attitude changed she was quiet before yes but now she won't speak to anyone and she won't get near Leona. Akuji was able to bind her false arm back into one piece but it was ruined and she is mad about that. Akuji looked down at the paper on her table this test was hard but she was able to get it done and she hopes Grim did his best so they don't fail.

Grim. Akuji.. AKUJI!

Akuji snapped out of it and looked at her monster friend.

Grim. You were off in space again.. are you okay?

Akuji. Oh i was thinking about my family thats all lets go and see our score.

Akuji gathered her things that Crewel got for her, He is kind but he had a cold hinge to him. As she walked behind Grim she felt a chill go down her spine a tall teen around her age is looking at her, his cyan hair and gold and green eyes looking into her soul. she turned walked away to get back to speed with Grim who was ahead of her. When she got there Jack was there Ace, Deuce and Grim seem to be upset about something. Then a anemone showed up on their heads so did many other students she ran to catch up with them and Jack.

Akuji. What did you three idiots do this time?

after telling her while they walked to the mirror room she remained calm but on the inside she is yelling at them for being idiots and not working hard.Her mom taught her that hard work will get you places. They all went through the mirror and then gone, Akuji and Jack got a water breathing potion from Crewel and they went. The dorm has a lounge in it but its also a cafe. Akuji looked around for a bit but stayed by Jack's side when she saw Grim in the kitchen doing the dishes and Ace and Deuce taking orders.

Akuji. I don't know to be mad or happy they are doing something that is not getting themselves in trouble.

Jade. Oh the Prefect of Ramshackle! Azul has been wanting to speak with you for some time follow me.

Akuji. Stay here Jack i got this.

Akuji followed the teen she swore he was in the mirror room. When they to the office in the back the boy for the hall was there . so twins.

Akuji. You asked for me?

Azul. Have a seat. I would like to make a deal with you.

Akuji sat down to find a gold scroll . she picked it up a read it

Akuji. To get the tree brainless boys i need to sign away Ramshackle? Pft. hehaha. I like you Azul your funny to think i would give up my only safe place to live. If you ask me the three should be punished for cheating. But i do care for them and if it means my only home here i would give it up but i will say this Azul. If you are going to try and pull the rug from under me you will NOT LIKE ME. Now Azul are you still sure you want to make this deal with me?

Akuji put her hand on his desk and bright pink flames made there way onto his desk and when Azul looked up her eyes were no longer the beautiful purple but a bight pink and her pupils looked like those of a angry cat.Then they went back to normal and she looked down at the paper shook her head and signed it and walked out. But she stopped

Akuji. Oh and no one will believe you.

Later that day she and Grim got what they could and left, Ruggie talked Leona into letting the two stay. She laid on the sofa in Leona's room she wished he had a spare room for her and Grim but she understands that they are all taken. She felt her eyes swell up with tears and she let them fall she misses her mom and sister her aunts and uncles. She was trying to be quiet as not to wake Leona and Grim up so she got up and went outside. She let them flow all of the shit she has been through since getting here has her PTSD acting up. she felt two arms wrap around her and pull her into their chest. She smelt Leona's scent she leaned into him, he is so warm reminds her of her mom she cries harder.

Akuji. I'm sorry i have been put through so much as of late and i am not used to being far from my family for so long. And i know damn well Crowley is not looking for a way home for me.

Akuji began to calm down and she looked at Leona and she gave a real smile then she fell asleep. She woke up on the sofa and she got up and got ready for her day. As she went through her classes She felt so drained from last night, Trey saw this and walked up to her with coffee in a cup. Akuji has been a voiding him like crazy and he really wants to talk to her so he made some coffee.

Trey. Riddle can you Give this to Akuji for me she seems to run away when i try and talk to her.

Riddle to the cup from his friend and gave it to the very tired looking Akuji and she gave a smile and drank it. But when she saw Trey her cheeks went a pink and took off and Riddle just smiled at this.

Jade. Well looks like she has a crush on Trey, lets get back and tell Azul Floyd.

Floyd. Angle fish is so fun to watch.

Akuji made her way to Savanaclaw and fell onto one of the sofa's and let out a loud sigh. She groans when she hears Grim yelling about how he doesn't want to work and yada yada. Akuji lets a growl slip from her lips. Akuji feels a bit better when she talked to Leona but she felt something was going to happen. She sat up and she knew she had to get her Dorm back. a few weeks later Azul overblotted and this caused her false arm to shatter. This caused everyone to freak out and this caused Akuji to do something she had never done.

Akuji. SHUT UP EVERYONE!

Akuji. I am okay my arm was fake for the love of gods stop yelling. All that matters right now is Azul's health lets get him to the nurse we all need to be checked out. Leona picked her up and walked to the mirror room and they all got checked out. Akuji lay on her side faking being asleep so did have to talk to them. Azul has said sorry to everyone but he wanted to say sorry to Akuji and for breaking her false arm. She turned onto her back she knows she has a lot to tell them but she doesn't want to be ambushed by them all. She got up but she then remembers she has one arm right now and she is going to have a hard time fixing up Ramshackle like this. She had the nurse help her get her jacket on and she left the office and went to meet Ace Deuce and Grim at Ramshackle. She really wants one of her mom's hugs and some of her famous chicken dinner. Akuji know shes about to have a break down if she doesn't talk to someone but they need her to be strong. But she doesn't want to be strong for once in these long months she wants to fall apart and the others around her to help. Akuji didn't go back to Ramshackle she walked to the mirror room and sat down and looked at the floating coffins. She watched as they went up and down but she could hear foot steps coming to find her.

Grim. Akuji are you okay?

She felt the small monster like cat near her when she lifted her head her eyes where still purple but they had a hint of pink in them, Leona could feel the shift in the teen girl and he saw the hint of pink he could smell magic fill the air around them.

Akuji. I wish to be left alone.

Leona. No you don't i can see it in your eyes, you want to talk but your to scared to.

Akuji. No i am not.

Grim. Please take to us.

Azul. I know i am the last person you would ever want to talk to but you helped me please talk to us.

Akuji got up and smiled

Akuji. I am okay i swear i just need some time alone.

Many weeks later Jamil overblotted, After getting him back Akuji and Grim went back to Ramshackle. She was glad that Jamil was back to normal and all but its been many month since she was pulled here to this world. Everyone can see that Akuji has changed she doesn't hang out with Ace and Deuce as much anymore and even Grim was seeing it. So when Vil had taken over her dorm for the up coming VDC Competition. She is glaring at him right now she knows this is what needs to be done but she dislikes the way he treats Epel and other's around him. But she sees he is suffering much like her and her big sister side kicks in and she sits him down and shows Vil what they do in her home world what she used to clean her face.

Akuji. Butter milk helps with my skin and it gives it a soft feeling. But i love the dragon fruit face cream. I can see there is something on your mind Vil now you can always talk to me if you need do not hold it in.

The day of the VDC the boys were getting ready, Akuji had a talk with Hornton but he won't be here until later. Akuji stood outside taking deep breaths and she needs to stay strong. Akuji knows she is going to have a break down soon but it's not like anyone will talk with her, her 'friends' seem to go on with their days and the Overblot crew seem to get what they need from the staff but Akuji has to work for it. She works to save enough for food and fabric so she can make new shirts for herself. Crowley has seem to be trying to parent her as of late as well and now she has been having nightmares of her early childhood and when she lost her right arm. She wakes up screaming most nights poor Grim has been sleeping in the guest room.

Deuce. Akuji we are going on soon and Vil wants you in your seat.

Akuji. Oh okay.. Deuce try not to break your leg.

Akuji watched her friends do their dance then RSA went up. .. How did that kid song win?! Vil spent hours with the boys at Ramshackle training them. Vil overblotted and poor Akuji had enough so she used her fire on the overblot monster in the hopes it would let her release all of her anger at this world. After a long fight Vil was saved and the blot monster was killed but pink fire still on the group and Akuji stood there with a look of pain.

Malleus. Well it seems i missed the show.

Akuji. Oh hi Hornton yes you are late.

Malleus used his magic to fix the building and the show went on. Akuji held her side where Vil got her with his blot monster but her regen was kicking in so she didn't have to the nurse.

Ace. Akuji are you not going to tell us how you made that fire? You have no magic and yet you made fire from your hands?!

Leona. Yes i am wondering how you were able to do that as well.

Akuji felt the wall break as tears fell from her now very pink eyes.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.. there will be a part two this got longer than i wanted it to lol

#twisted wondrland oc #k.v.c

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