if upon being told about someones illness/condition, your first thought is to say “have you tried X?” i want you to step back for a moment and think to yourself “if i thought of X after hearing about this condition for the very first time, the person who has this condition very likely has thought of this and possibly tried it already”

we are tired of constantly being told to try the same things by people who didnt know our condition existed five minutes ago.

you dont need to offer any solutions or try to fix us. i know it might seem like a polite thing to do or that it shows you care, there are other ways to show us you care.

☆ Pretty Boy ☆

(ft. the vice housewardens)

requested by anon: the pretty boy hcs were so cuteee 😭💕 would you be able to do those for the vice leaders as well?

and

@crienosaur and @donuelle

a/n: i feel like this is all over the place, but i really enjoyed lilia's part. imma try to get the first years part out soon. also idk for the longest time i thought that jade and floyds last name was tweel and honestly idk where i got that from :/

characters: trey clover, ruggie bucchi, jade leech, jamil viper, rook hunt, ortho shroud (platonic) and lilia vanrouge

!tw! insecurities, grammar mistakes im too lazy to fix again

Trey Clover <3

⋆ a deep chuckle came from Trey's chest. He may look unaffected but judging by the way his shaky hands cover his rosy cheeks tells a different story.

⋆ He's used to people thinking not much of him tbh. Trey knows he's considered attractive, he has a nice face, a nice body and a nice personality.

⋆ Nice, that's all he is. That's all he's ever been told. Not once has he ever looked at himself and thought pretty. Not a single time

⋆ But the way you sighed it out had him second guessing himself. Had him looking in the mirror and noticing a ton of things about himself he's never seen before.

⋆ Has his eyelashes always been so long? Lips so full and soft? Cheeks flushed a soft peach hue and kissed by the particles of the sun?

⋆ Trey, like many others, doesn't understand how you got to this conclusion at first. But maybe, for once, he'll be fine with being called something other than nice. 

⋆ Trey will happily settle for pretty.

"Hey there, Prefect! Hope I'm not interrupting anything but I've made too many sweets for the next Unbirthday Party, so I was wondering if you'll take them off my hand…Hmm? Ehehe, I didn't even plan it! I guess I accidentally made your favorite again."

(he did it on purpose fyi)

Ruggie Bucchi <3

⋆ You have a weird taste, Ruggie thinks to himself, staring at you with a rosy blush, his tail wagging behind him, But I am the cutest. 

⋆ Ruggie is in heaven. Him, pretty? He sure is. The prettiest to pretty. Ruggie’s another one that wants to rub it in everyone’s face. 

⋆ But he’s also intimidated by the possible meaning behind it. Does that mean you like him too? Ah! He’s getting excited just by thinking about it! But wait? Does that mean he’ll have to pay for stuff? Can’t you just-wait, nevermind, you’re equally as broke as him. 

⋆ Maybe you  won’t mind working shifts at Monstro Lounge together as bonding time? Perhaps? Please?

⋆ Ruggie balances on a thin line of screaming his lungs out and melting on the spot. Ruggie knows his appearance is…less to be desired by the vast majority. So for you to call him pretty so unabashedly, boy is he going to get that tattooed on his forehead.

⋆ But beware, he will bring it up in conversation. You are not spared from his teasing.

“Don’t give me that look. Doesn’t the pretty boy get the last bite~? Shishishi, I sure do love that look~”

Jade Leech <3

⋆ Confident, smug and annoying af. 

⋆ That’s the effect it had on Jade. You really shouldn’t have said his name, because this boy (eel? mereel?) will show his face the moment you say it. A stupidly scary smile on his stupidly pretty face. Scaring the living daylights out of you and everyone else nearby. 

⋆ Whisking you away like the gentleman he is. 

⋆ Really it’s just him taking you because you're too frozen in shock to do anything about it. 

⋆ Does he confess?

⋆ Kinda.

⋆ He takes you to the Monstro Lounge and gives you a free meal he cooked himself. So it’s really up in the air. 

⋆ Jade has never felt more pleased. Sure the scared look Azuls client gives him is nice. Or the feeling of finding extremely rare mushroom species is amazing. But being called pretty by the one and only Ramshackle prefect is another feeling entirely. 

⋆ Not only is it from someone he finds deeply amusing and pretty themselves. But he knows for a fact plenty of people are going to be incredibly jealous over this.

⋆ Ah, if only you knew the affects you had on them and most importantly, Jade.

“Please enjoy. I know that look and you have nothing to fear. There’s no cost to this meal… Oh dear, well, if you are not convinced, then how about this offer? (whispering softly) If you don’t enjoy this meal, I’ll personally take you out. Just you and me.”

Jamil Viper <3

⋆ Please tell him Kalim set you up? Or Azul, or anyone!

⋆ Jamil doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle it if you were joking. You really need to take other people's feelings into consideration, Prefect. Don't you know it’s rude to pla- huh? You meant it?

⋆ Cue, Jamil hiding in his hood. 

⋆ This has never happened before. Well it happened once, but he had to reject her because she would be a distraction to his job, but let’s not talk about that. 

⋆ And Jamil is so used to not being seen. So, for you to excitedly shout how pretty he was without shame or hesitation, made him gasp in shock. Pretty, you think he’s pretty. 

⋆ Jamil would have just brushed it off (he’s lying, he wouldn’t) thinking that you were merely thinking of his outward appearance. Something he does take care of, but you just have to be full of surprises. 

⋆ Of course you decided to recount all the times he’s helped you, or made you food, or walked you back to your dorm, or- yeah you get the gist. You had no shame in saying despite all his flaws, Jamil has the best personality. That he’s pretty in the inside, as well as the out. 

⋆ Jamil had to sit down to recollect his emotions. Pretty outside and in. You saw him as pretty all round. You saw him. You recognize Jamil. 

⋆ Great Sevens, Jamil really fighting back his inner demons (crying, he’s fighting back crying) 

⋆ But that feeling immediately burst into a thousand fireworks simultaneously bursting in his chest. Igniting his body in warmth like the setting sun in the Scalding Sands. Like the curry his mother made for him whenever he felt ill. Jamil has never felt more at peace than he did now. 

⋆ All because of a simple six letter word uttered by you.

“Oh, you have something in your hair. Here let me get it for you…Hmm? He, are you ill? Your face is quite warm, Prefect. My hand feels like ice compared to your cheeks…Haha, my apologies, Prefect. I just think you look quite pretty, all flustered.”

Rook Hunt <3

⋆ Rook is swooning with joy! The prettiest person in his world thinks he’s pretty as well! (he ignored the part where you said weird after)

⋆ He is already down bad for you, so for you to call him pretty??? This man cannot contain himself. He’s truly fighting his inner demons.

⋆ Rook is incredibly quick to act on his feelings. Knowing him, Rook has already broken into your room layed roses all over your bed, lit scented candles and has some really over the top music playing in the background. 

⋆ It's sweet if you overlook the fact that he broke in. He truly is the most romantic person out of all NCR.

⋆ Makes you call him your ‘pretty boy’ and won’t respond to any other nickname.

"Ah! My pretty trickster! What did I say about calling me by my name? …Ah! How wonderful! I will never get over my name coming from your darling lips!”

Ortho Shroud <3

⋆ You think his brother is pretty! And him too!?!

⋆ Ortho’s over the moon! His favorite person (beside his brother) thinks he’s pretty! He already thinks of you like a big sibling, so Ortho's bouncing off the wall at your praise. It’s so cute, that he immediately zooms to you and hugs you so tightly. Exclaiming that he thinks you're pretty too!

⋆ He’s literally the sweetest! Please call him pretty again, Ortho will just explode in excitement. 

⋆ But don’t think you're safe. Just because Ortho sees you as a big sibling, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want it to actually happen. And what did you happen to say right before you called him pretty?

⋆ Yeah, you called his big brother pretty and you want to know something more? Well, his big brother has a crush on you, so do you want to know what role Orthos immediately takes on? 

⋆ Yeah, wingman. A pretty good one at that. 

⋆ You and Idia will know no peace. 

“Your heartbeat increased when you saw big brother right now! Is it because you said he was pretty? Hehe, don’t worry he thinks you're pretty too! But, you still think I’m the prettiest right? Yay! You’re the best!”

Lilia Vanrouge <3

⋆ Pleasantly surprised. A small pretty smile graced his lips and he placed a finger to his lips. Humming deep in thought. So you thought he was pretty? How intriguing. You’re truly full of surprises aren’t you?

⋆ Lilia actually finds it cute. Endearing really. Because who would have thought that you, a person from another world, would find him the prettiest person you’ve ever seen. He feels smug and overjoyed at the same time.

⋆ Like Rook, Lilia wasted no time in tracking you down and telling you he thinks you're really pretty too. He doesn’t want to risk you being taken by another. Nu-uh, no way!

⋆ Lilia has a…way with words. It’s kinda creepy, kinda concerning, but overall incredibly sweet! His little bat friends (children?) flutter around you, bringing you fresh fruit and flowers. They like you just as much as they like Lilia.

⋆ Afterall, you’ve made Lilia so happy, how couldn’t they?

“Kehehe, you’re truly full of surprises! I simply can’t get enough! But…(whispers) please do only refer to me as that my dear. Don't want anyone else taking what’s mine~”

Donnie x (gn) reader, where the reader is feeling particularly self concious? feeling as tho they don't contribute enough to the team due to not having mystic powers or not knowing how to fight, maybe they feel as tho they get in the way a lot? I know donnie isn't always great with feelings but I feel like he would relate to this problem and would know how to solve it in his own special way?

Much needed reassurance

Donnie x Insecure!Reader

TW: A bit of cursing (projecting cuz it's just smth i do when feeling a strong emotion lmao), using the lord's name in vain ( bro im atheist idk if this is a tw?), uh light jealousy (APRIL MAH QUEEN <33), mentions of stitching up cuts ig, light angst with fluff end <3 Oh and a pretty rushed ending lmao. Plus some slight ADHD projecting?? [Yes I got this req in September. Shh-] Thanks to @sleepytime-fics for title inspiration <3 /p

Donnie

You wince, letting out a hiss, as your cut stung in pain. Peeking out from in between your fingers, you see Donnie’s frown, not processing any of the words he rambled on to you. He let go of your hand, putting down the bandages, before moving onto your face to disinfect the scrapes along the side of your face, making you flinch in pain, listening to him chastise you for how careless you were.

“-I thought I’d told you to stay in corners. They can’t sneak up on you, if your back is against a wall.”

Sinking deeper into the mattress of the bed, you sigh, running a finger over the bandaging on your forearm, only for Donnie to slap your hand away. Rolling your eyes, you let him patch up your face, avoiding eye contact, because you knew as soon as you did, shit would hit the fan.

After what seemed like hours of nonstop admonishing and multiple rolls of bandages (which in all reality was only a few minutes), Donnie finally packs up the first aid kit, having finished patching you up. You stretch a little, before reaching for your phone, which lay on the far end of the mattress. Just as you were about to pick it up, a metal arm suddenly swipes it off of the sheets, holding it up.

“Hey-”

As you go to reach for the phone again, he just brings the phone higher up, farther out of your reach.

“So…” the mutant started, busying himself with putting supplies back into the first aid kit. “Leo informed me you, uh…got jumped-”

“Please, don’t remind me-” you sighed, the memory of being unable to defend yourself flashing behind your closed eyelids. Not only had Leo been struggling to take care of his share of the ninjas, he had to make sure you weren’t getting hurt too.

 Opening your eyes once more, you frown at the floor, listening to Donnie go on.

“Scoff,” Donnie scoffs, voicing his actions, “Well, if you let me finish, you would've heard me say ‘-you got jumped, are you feeling ok?’ It’s unlike you to get taken advantage of like this in combat.”

“Stop it,” You mumble, not wanting to hear about how you were unable to help, frustration rising as Donnie went on, not having heard you.

“I mean, it was just a couple of foot ninjas, and statistically speaking, you’ve done better before-”

“Donnie-” You frown, speaking a bit louder, but your words went unheard as Donnie’s rambling went on.

“I’m just thankful Nardo was there for you, don’t tell him I said that though-”

“Donnie!”

He freezes, facing you as his rambing comes to an abrupt end. Seeing the frown on your face as you shifted in your seat, your head held down, Donnie was riddled with guilt. “Were you,” he clears his throat, “Were you about to say something…?”

Silence.

That’s all he got in return, before soft mumbles could be heard, “It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve told me, it just won’t get in my head alright? I’m not a ninja, I’ve never gotten training-,” you muttered, as Donnie stopped what he was doing, focusing on your words- “Hell, I don’t even have a proper weapon!” you scoff, gesturing to Donnie’s tech bo, which lay messily on his desk, piles of unorganized blueprints and tech scattered around it. “Even April has one! April!” 

“Well, that is an issue can easily be resolved by simply paying a visit to the local sports store-”

Donnie’s words were cut short by the glare you gave him, as you went on. “But that makes perfect sense, since she’s just…so perfect,” you chuckled dryly, jealousy creeping into your voice, or maybe it was just self-pity.

Running a hand through your hair, you pause to take a deep breath, knowing you’ve already said too much; but fuck it, if you were going to get reprimanded for something out of your control, might as well let out some of those pent up feelings…right?

The only noise that could be heard was the soft whirring of the vents filtering air, and the sound of you guys’ breathing. The silence was eating you up from the inside, uneasiness hanging in the air. After a whole two minutes of silent torture, Donnie lets out a sigh, biting his tongue so that he doesn’t say anything he might regret, before finally speaking again.

“Where…where are you going with this?”

“Fucking christ, Donnie-” you snap, your head in your hands, as you let out a strong exhale. Looking up at him, you took a deep breath, trying to stabilize your voice, as a lump formed in your throat.

You mumbled under your breath, trying not to break down as tears of frustration formed in the corners of your eyes, your vision slowly going blurry. Why? The hell if you knew, all you could process was the fact that you were practically useless, and if that wasn’t enough to make you break down…

“I’m not as strong as you guys and I sure as hell don’t have any mystic powers,” you say, as a tear finally falls. One turns to two, and two turns to four, and before you know it, tears streamed silently down your face, as you tried to stop; but you both knew it was pointless.

Panic flashed behind his eyes as he noticed you crying. What was it you do when people cry? Talk to them? No, no, he was pretty sure you give them space.

“I always need at least two people out with me when I join you guys for patrol, and I always get hurt, and end up being more of a burden than a help…” You clear your throat, cursing at yourself as your voice cracks.

Once again, silence.

Looking down at the floor, you sniffled, using the sleeve of your hoodie to wipe your tears away. White floods your vision, looking up, you see one of Donnie’s mechanical spider arms holding a tissue out in front of you, his eyes averted to the side.

Nodding your thanks, you blow your nose, as quiet ensued once more. You both sat there, your minds occupied by your own racing thoughts respectively.

After what seemed like hours, Donnie spoke up, his voice soft, but firm, as though he were deep in thought, “I…apologize, for not realizing how you felt earlier. I should have been more observant, I should have been able to notice how you felt about all of this much earlier on… I’m sorry for being a terrible partner-”

“Donnie-” You just sigh, the adrenaline from earlier wearing off, as a wave of exhaustion washed over you. “I’m not calling you a bad partner, I’m just saying that…maybe I shouldn’t go out on missions with you guys anymore. I’ll just hold you all back, and-” 

“Hold us back?-” Donnie interrupts, his face going from that of understanding and thoughtful to utterly flabbergasted. Standing up from his seat on the mattress, he has a robotic arm shoot out of his battle shell and yank a chair over, as he took a seat across from your place on the mattress. He faced you, arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed, renewed confusion apparent, “You believe that you’re…holding us back?”

“...Well, yeah-”

“SCOFF! Never have I heard such malarkey- Oh Y/N, you are anything but deadweight!-”

You could only listen as he went on, giving up on trying to get your point across as he never gave you the chance to. Yet despite the affirmations, a nagging feeling stuck in the back of your mind, refusing to leave as he rambled on about your strengths, physically and intellectually.

His voice became nothing but a soft hum in the background, accompanying the buzz of the vents, as you spaced out. Why was he doing this? You aren’t worth the struggle, the effort… He’s always had to help you catch up, get up to speed on things. Homework, fights, hell- even simple things like staying on task, giving you something to do, to think about…

“-And just because you don't have mystic potential, doesn't mean you aren't a valuable asset to our group. There are plenty of other ways you make up for it..."

The nerve of this hypocrite; saying you’re useful while still in doubt of his own abilities.

"I mean," Donnie went on, putting a hand on your shoulder, trying to get you to look at him, "It's not like you're the only human in our little posse. April's our friend too, and she's just as important as the rest of us-"

"She doesn't count-" You snap, your voice raising to a higher volume. Donnie flinched, his hand retracting in shock. Wincing, you mumble a quiet apology, feeling a wave of disappointment and regret wash over you before going on.

"April's been training with you guys since she’s met you, she doesn't count…" You mumbled, trying to keep control of how loud you spoke. “She’s been there since the beginning, basically on you guys’ level. She’s known you all since you were young, grew up with you guys, trained with you guys, fights with you guys…all while kicking ass and looking good…all I do is stand in the back and cheer you guys on…”

“Oh my sweet Y/N,” Donnie sighs, looking up at you again. “What will it take for you to understand that moral support is better than no support whatsoever?” The pleading look in his eyes, the desperation in his voice for you to understand just how valuable you are didn’t go overlooked by you, as you just sighed in response.

“I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, darling. You are as valuable to our bunch as any of us are. Learning to fight takes time, time which you never gave yourself, which I’m gladly willing to change.

“And as for getting hurt…” Donnie put a hand on yours, making you look at him as he let himself smile, “I guess we’ll just have to start training.”

Taglist [ask if you want to be added!]:

@lemme-be-cringe-damnit @sleepytime-fics @ray-of-midnight-storm @hamthepan @charismakat

Hiii would you please write smth for simon with an s/o who has depression and anxiety disorder??:'( the details don't really matter, you can write it however you want and it's ok if you don't wanna do it… hope you're doing great and have a nice day💕

Simon Riley who helps his S/O with their depression & Anxiety

Pairing(s): Simon Riley x GN ! Reader

Warnings: Depression, Anxious thoughts, Anxious and depressive behaviors

Synopsis: How I think simon riley would deal with your anxiety & Depression

Author Note: Peekaboo! Tis I cosmos!!! I saw this request at work and decided to write it as soon as I got home, for right now I really only have the energy (as well as time because im about to head back to work) to do headcanons but I hope you enjoy them!! (their more like mini blurbs

I feel like Simon would 100% understand if you told him you had anxiety or depression. He wouldn't be the best at dealing with it but by gods he would do his best to help you with your problems! Like truly he would!

Say idk your room in your apartment is just... really bad. You havent left in ages, and you stopped texting Simon? He's there in an instant. Once he realises your super depressed hes like "alright luv lets get started" and he's helping you clean, wash your clothes, ect.

If you can't find the energy to shower he's drawing a bath and helping you slowly strip off your clothes. He slips you into a nice warm bubble bath and either slips in with you or helps wash you from outside of the bath. He cleans your skin and then does your hair for you making sure to wash it without getting soap in your eyes. He might blow bubbles at you to make you laugh.

If you can't cook or something and maybe don't have the energy, he makes meal plans on sundays, so he starts including you. So when he cooks ahead for the week, he also cooks stuff he knows is your favorite meals and then drops them off on monday.

Would definately invite the 114 over for a little suprise day spoiling you, expecially if he knows being around people helps you. He will plan a movie night and invite you over, and you walk in and all the boys are just sitting there eating popcorn and movie snacks. As soon as they see you its just a huge dog pile of hugs (they almost knock you over)

If your anxious in public he will gladly hold your hand and do all the talking for you. You don't want to order because your stomach is in way too many knots? He already knows what you like and he will order it for you.

Most dates he will try to keep at home if he knows that your anxious in public. You want to see a brand new movie but don't want to go to the movie theater? He texts you to come over one night and he has practically made his living room a movie theatre. Lots of blankets, snacks, pillows for a pillow fort, and a little basket for each of you.

If you have relationship anxiety he is definitely reassuring you all the time. its almost like he knows what youre thinking before you say it out loud? (I swear he's a mind reader) He can tell by your tells when your anxious and he's calming you down already.

If you have anxiety attacks? He's comforting you instantly pulling every coping skill he can out of the book. He is putting loop earbuds in your ears and then breathing with you. Having you name the 54321 thing, and everything. Even has a little sensory/anxiety kit ready for you on the go in his car. He is no stranger to anxiety.

WET DREAM

(Quick jungwon smut)

Time 8:30 pm

U opend the door to your shared apartment with your bf jungwon it was arranged for you guys to move in as you guys will soon be getting married but jungwon always seemd so cold to you you guys weren’t on the best terms you tried hard to get close and he would sometimes but then would be cold anyway u though he would be awake but I Gusse not u went to go shower and after you got out of the shower you heard little noises so u opend Jungwons room (yes you guys had sepret rooms sadly ) you went to go see if he was sick the cover was off of him but he was on his side so u couldn’t see his face but he was squirming then u went closer he turned around his eyes were closed now he was laying on his back you put your palm on his head he was fine but sweating so just as you were about to leave to go get a rag he said something

“Y/n I need you please”

You look back and stop shocked to what you heard he’s never even held your hand so him needing you sounded off you come closer and that’s when it hit u you saw his big bulge through his sweats and you knew exactly what was happening yang jungwon was having a wet dream he sounded so desperate you felt bad you got on top of him rocking your hips he was moaning at each little touch but he didn’t wake up you pulled his dick out and started to go up and down on him and even after that he still never woke up until you put him in your mouth you will admit he was pretty big tho after this tho his eyes opend wide resting on his elbows looking at you in shock but couldn’t hold back

“Yah Lee y/n w-what are y-“

“Ah”

You put your toung on his slit rubbing back and fourth

“Y-y/n please can we t-all abt this first”

“You said you needed me do you not like it “

“No I mean y-yes it’s just”

“Okay good then shut up”

This time you didn’t listin to him only his pretty moans you gaged on him making him more close you could tell by the way his veins in his arms showed that he was close you started to play with his balls at the same time all of it being too much

“Y-n I’m gonna come please remove your mouth please “

You didn’t listen you went faster until u gaged once more and then felt all of his seeds go into your mouth down your throat u wiped your mouth and got on top of him

“What are you d-doing “

“Relax “

You removed your hoodie you had on nothing under obvi he looked down at you body he hesitated to touch you

“You can touch DONT be scared”

“I-I’m not it just feels wrong”

U stoped and grabed your streamer and held it to your Chest u were heart broken

“No yn I didn’t mean it like that it’s just I -I I actually really do like you I’m just scared you don’t I wanted to wait till I told you but I was always to scared to “

“Why wouldn’t I like you won “

“Idk I just thought you were with me for business “

“Well we were out together for business yes but I I love you jungwon “

“I love you to and I’m sorry for being an ass”

“Dw you can make up for it rn”

He smirked at you and flipped you over he started to suck on your boob and massage the over while leave cute marks that will be visible tmmrw you were a moanin mess he started to slide down your shorts the then he soft massaged you over your panties

“W-won”

“Hm baby tell me what’s wrong”

“Please I need more”

“More of what hm”

Being to flustered and embarrassed to say it you just shook your head

“Cmon baby you can tell me don’t be scared “

“Please I need you inside me”

And without a warning he flipped you over again on all fours and started to thrust in you fast you couldn’t stay steady he was going to fast he held you by your waist to keep you stable his moans were so pretty you never want to stop hearing them

“Ung j-jungwon please “

He started to rub on your clit to sending you over bord your so close

“Jungwon im gonna cum”

“Can you wait for me baby just a little longer “

You tryd to go longer your legs starting to go numb you could tell he was getting close to scince he wasn’t as steady anymore he pressed on your stomach where his bulge was and you couldn’t take it anymore you came undon but so did he u guys just stayed there for awhile till he pulled out of you and you both layed next to eachother he pulled you by your waist

“I can’t wait to marry you yang y/n”

………

Hello, i saw that requests were open so i hope you don't mind if i request. I'm sorry if this request isn't to your liking.

May i request Leona, Rook, Vil and Jamil with an idol reader in a group?(like a group idol or something like that). How would they react once they found out, them attending their S/O's concert, watching them dance and sing to different type of concepts and other things. Thank you. Im sorry if this request is complicated!

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Content Warning(s): none

Character(s): GN!Reader(no pronouns mentioned), Leona Kingscholar, Rook Hunt, Vil Schoenheit, Jamil Viper

Authors Notes: Hi there! I’m so sorry for taking a while, I’ve been really out of it and lost motivation, but here we are! Your request isn’t too complicated so not to worry, I hope you like this!!

◇ ◇ ◇ ◇ ◇ ◇ ◇ ◇ ◇ ◇

Leona Kingscholar

Leona’s not dumb, he’s aware of your career. He knows just how popular you are, but honestly he couldn’t care less how many fans you have or how busy you are, as long as you still make time for him. 

You’ve contemplated asking him to come to some of your concerts but have never actually brought it up because you thought he wouldn’t be too interested. But it turns out all you really need to do is ask. 

You managed to work it up to ask him if he would come support you at one of your concerts. He just looked at you, completely silent before giving you a small nod, and turning on his side to continue with his nap. You’re a little shocked cause you didn’t expect him to actually agree to go.

So when the day of the concert actually comes around, you’re pretty nervous, especially when you’re the main vocals. But Leona doesn’t disappoint. As soon as you step onto the stage with the bright lights and blaring music from the speakers abovehead, you scan the crowd and you see him standing in the front, arms crossed over his chest.

He looks a little irritated because of all the people moshing behind him, but he that signature smirk on his face, almost like he was telling you, “I told you so.”

Rook Hunt

Rook probably discovered you around the same time that he discovered Neige and he’s ecstatic. He’s one of your biggest fans and supporters. 

You two met through your numerous concerts and started talking because of one of backstage interactions with him. 

He's your most avid supporter and definitely attends every concert that you're at cause he loves hearing you so much, this doesn't change even after you guys get together.

It never fails to make you smile whenever you see him in the front row, calling out your name enthusiastically, giggling to yourself. 

When you’re asked during an interview who you value the most in your life, you mention his name because of all the support he’s given you.

Vil Schoenheit

Vil is well aware of the "circle of celebrities" (does this make sense??? idk but just bear with me). He's seen your promotional videos on social media and the streams of loving comments from your loyal fans following shortly after.

Because of your rising popularity, you were asked to fill in for a role, it wasn't a major role, just a small cameo. But Vil just so happened to also be acting in it as well.

The two of you started talking, and soon a friendship blossomed between the two of you. Vil admires your work ethic, and in turn you admire just how devoted to his roles whenever he’s given one. 

Jamil Viper

Jamil first finds out when he sees you practicing one of your dance routines.

He's mesmerized by your movements, watching you from thr shadows but too shy to say anything.

So when you find out that he also likes to dance, you invite him to dance with you. And that's when he finds out about your career as an idol. He's surprised that someone like you would even consider being with him considering his lower status, and with you being as popular as you are, but you assure him that no amount of fame or popularity could ever make you love him less.

Kalim also finds out about your career and takes Jamil to one of your concerts, buying up the most expensive ticket to get as close to the stage as possible.

While he's trying to keep an eye on Jamil, he sees you out of the corner of his eye. You shoot a wink his way and blow a kiss in his direction causing his face to flush and the crowd to go absolutely wild.

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hii! can i be ur 🧸 anon? or maybe 🍒 anon... mmm i cant decide lol also i dont know if my ask sent so im sending this js in case

anyways chenle thoughts??? gwah not to be a gf stan but i think abt him sm- esp after istj came out (he carried btw!!!) his voice is just my absolute favourite i dont know what to say

speaking of his voice... i feel like he just might be the type to constantly reassure ppl?? just imagine coming home after a bad day... chenle notices ofc n gives u a big hug then with his sweet voice he just quietly reassures u that ur okay, swaying the two of you side to side-

ig that'll be it for now 🤔 js a small taste of my thoughts

Bf!Chenle thought #1

FIRST OF ALL OFC YOU CAN BE WHATEVER ANON YOU WANT !!! ur my first so you get to choose (i’ll spoil you 😋) second YES he absolutely slayed the house down this era like it’s crazy (ilhsm idk if you can tell). I love his voice too and I really hope you like this and i hope i’ll hear from you soon :)

warning: use of ‘mom’ for reader to daegal, over use of Baby? (not edited so pls tell me my mistakes 💔)

As the first chenle stan (top delulu gf right here), he is definitely a physical touch and words of affirmation girly.

He’s come home finally after so long while being on tour and doing promotions and such for ISTJ, it’s like you haven’t seen him in forever. You’ve had probably the worst day ever where your hair didn’t look right, you couldn’t do this or that right, and most of all you’re not with Chenle.

Right after everything was done he wanted to surprise you by just showing up to your (and his) apartment.

“Y/N? Baby? We’re home!” He calls out, holding Daegal in one hand and his bag over his shoulder.

Chenle’s surprised when he doesn’t see you in the kitchen, usually you’re eating or making your food this late. He looks around the living room also seeing your not in that room either. Finally putting down Daegal telling her to ‘go find your mommy/mummy’

Not even a few seconds later she’s running to your bathroom door, scratching and whining. Even rubbing her head against the door before running back to Chenle, yipping and whining once again to the door. Obviously he takes the hint and knocks on the door.

“Are you in there? Daegal and I are back, she missed you. After our calls she would start whining….” You can hear his smile in his voice, “I missed you too you know, even if you are annoying.” Of course he would find a way to say something like that. It makes you crack the faintest smile. You really missed him.

“Hey baby? Can I-?”

You open the door for him before he can even finish his sentence. Daegal is in his arms and he’s smiling at you, jokingly shaking her paw and mocking what’s supposed to be her voice ‘hiiii mom, I missed you soooo much’ .

If he wasn’t your boyfriend and if you were in a better mood you probably would’ve joked about it. Saying something about how stupid he was or even pushing him away. Instead you settle for pulling her into your own arms petting and hugging her and placing her right beside you on the floor.

As soon as she’s put on the floor Chenle pulls you into the biggest hug ever. He doesn’t even need to be told you’re not feeling very well. He says that you’re easy to read, in reality he pays attention extremely well.

“You’re okay, I promise. Whatever you’ve been thinking I need you to stop for a second and rethink.” His arms pull you even closer to himself, and they start moving up and down your back. Tears start to well in your eyes and you realize just how much he means to you.

Eventually he pulls you back so he can see your face, even bringing his hands to your arms holding them there letting his thumbs rub your arms.

“I love you,” He kisses your forehead.

“I love you,” He kisses your nose.

“I love you so so much,” And he ends with pulling you into a kiss. When he finally pulls away he brings you once again into a tight embrace.

You’re not all of a sudden happy and healed, but you sure do feel better with him by your side.

“…Now why did our child get a hug before me.”

“Zhong. Chenle.”

living after experiencing sa is so weird like, the same piece of writing about assault could do nothing or it could send me into a week long spiral and its just a matter of dumb luck or pure chance that determines my brains' reaction to it. i've had moments where im legitimately triggered in the middle of re-reading something i actually enjoy as porn. over the years i figured it was because i had small triggers that are abstract or wasnt easily noticeable or doesnt feel like anything until its in the spesific context of sa. like being trapped in an enclosed space with strangers, begging to be sent home, being deceived, having your preferences and interests weaponized against you, the really lonely and painful walk home afterwards where no one comes to save you but maybe its better off this way since you dont want to be seen, those are things im particularly sensitive with. for example, a few years ago i got really messed up about this anecdote of a kid who got kidnapped by a neighbor for a few hours. he offered to see his cat and then lock them up in a room while theyre playing with said kittens. nothing actually happens but that made me legit depressed for a few days. while im fine talking with my friend about an incident where she got followed by a creepy guy who groped her while she's walking home. both situations are horrifying and bad ofc, but i cant exactly communicate or find an easy way to filter out the bad. like, i can handle hearing the graphic details, the bare bones account of what happens, but if it touches on how the victim was tricked or deceived or gets taken advantage of, even when its basically the least upsetting part, i just couldnt do it.

idk, maybe its because my experience was more in the mental stuff. yeah sure, it was only some groping, an almost kiss, and some sex talk. but the context was that i asked for help, someone friendly comes along, they say theyre just helping me but turns out they actually have ulterior motives. i was stuck in a car for hours to god knows where, fully knowing i was gonna get raped when the car eventually stops, trying to plead or at least delay it with someone i thought was a friend without being too harsh because i know they could do even worse things if i drop this thin veneer of friendliness we got going on. and all the while this asshole kept touching me in spots i didnt even realize was a sensitive place for me and i had to keep a straight face the whole time because if they see a hint that i liked it, its over. did i like though? yeah. do i want it? fuck no. never in a million years. and i felt betrayed because im supposed to have that moment of discovery with a boyfriend or a girlfriend and it was supposed to be nice and comforting but its not. and i might associate gentle touches with this forever. and there's also a part of me that said, hey somebody wants me. dont you want to be wanted? i might as well enjoy it because no one's gonna offer me hot car sex like this. i should try to get myself wet! this is a new experience that i should just see the bright side of. im supposed to be a kinky slut right? i just turned 20. and after all, i promised myself, after the first time i had my sa as a kid, the next time it happens im gonna fight. and what am i doing right now? i'm just running my mouth. im laughing at my soon to be rapists' joke and i tell him we should meet up later instead of doing everything right now since i had work later in the day. this isnt fighting, its bargaining. and all the while im wondering if i look pretty while im doing this. i hope i look pretty. im just wearing sweatshirt and pajama pants. this is sick, why do i want to look good while im sexually assaulted?

i never told this to anyone except a friend. but even she didnt get the whole account. she just know it happens. its the part that actually upsets me that i didnt tell her. the whole violated trust thing. and how dumb i am for instantly accepting help from an acquaintance i dont even know that well. and what happens after the car stops. all she knows is that when it stops, i pushed him off of me and i left the car and run.

to her it just seems like im valiantly fighting off an asshole. she didnt know that after i ran, a bunch of men saw me running. they asked me if i need help. they were kind. but i thought of the hassle of reporting to the police, being grilled with questions, have my entire behavior scrutinized, and my parents vacillating between unhelpful anger or chastising me for being so trusting and eventually isolating me because i cant be trusted to exist in a public space without being harassed and god i dont want to miss work today and theyre gonna ask why if i had to miss a day and theyre gonna know too. so obviously i shut up. i couldnt say anything. the fuck who assaulted me came, and get this, i went back to his car. i didnt sit next to him, i was sitting at the backseat, and he was angry and yelled at me the entire time while driving me back to the closest bus station. i didnt say anything, and i actually paid him money before leaving. i was a coward.

in hindsight, what happens after the next few month after that was just me trying to compensate for the shame and utter incompetence i felt. i thought i was good at being confrontational and assertive, but when it actually matters, i cant speak. it was awful. i mean, it was a moment of self improvement, i did evolve from being an awkward self-important debate kid to an adult who relies on being good with persuading people for a living. im proud of that. but the feeling of helplessness still remains. im still afraid that when it happens again, i'd just clam up like usual. even though i already successfully fend off several people trying to fuck with me before anything that bad ever happens because im a hot saleswoman now. it felt weird calling myself a victim or a survivor because, it just happens. i didnt survive shit nor do i want to be a victim. i dont want to be pitied. and i dont want to be called brave or anything because im anything but.

except that everytime something reminds me of my sa incident, i kept having this urge to tell somebody, and i'd wrote a long paragraph detailing everything that happened including all of the uncomfortable details that didnt make me look good as a victim. and then i'd delete it before sending because its not good to tell your personal triggers online right? but i have no one i want to talk about this irl. and i cant imagine any well-meaning response that doesnt make me angry. i kept thinking about it. if anyone acknowledged this happens to me, i have no socially acceptable response. im not sure if anyone could understand or be sympathetic. i mean, imagine someone told you a grave secret about them and then they get angry and throw a tantrum when you say youre keeping their secret to the grave. youre in the right to be angry and confused at them. and its one thing to write a retrospective like this, and its another thing talk about it directly. i wouldnt be self aware to control myself. i'd just ruin another friendship because i got pissed off for no discernable reason.

i dont really know where im going with this. i think i just wanted to get this out of my system. its been what? three years? im sick of keeping that shit in. i think i just need to talk about it, sort of like a confessional before moving on for good. anyway, your usual shitposting will resume shortly. bye bitch!

mother nonsenses 1.0

was part of the manifesto. (but not anymore?) though these are just random ideas in my notebook that i havent yet found a way to fully write sth decent with. though the evidences are all there. here just for archive, none of these really mean anything. except the last bullet point? but it also doesnt mean anything

- [this was one of my replies when heilhades333 and i was talking abt my ageswap luther and her matriarch nature. then somehow it snowballed into ranfren chi no wadachi?] i think as far as where the series is currently at, randal's still far too young for luther to consider anything about him having a family of his own or even a partner. at this life stage he is still under luther's care, and therefore, a part of luther's family. i see luther as the highest queen of her own beehive, so she wouldnt want randal to eventually have his own family (though, as the "ivory heir", maybe that day will come. if they can grow old that is). luther's way of building a family is more of collecting "family members" - what she'd like to call them, rather than building branches. i dont think she would mind if randal gets a partner as long as they'd submit to become a part of her family (like how she got sebastian as a pet for randal) maybe only when said partner wanted to pull randal away we'd have a problem (satoru. though its mostly bc she wanted to go camping with her family and also blueberry pancakes)

^ i kNOW the mother here is referring to the mother/earthbound franchise. but this is my domain and i can say whatever i want

- [purely delusional. hello hitchther nation?] in my beautiful mind theres this specific what-if situation luther is the queen bee, the hitchhikers are the drones, randal is the queen-to-bee (haha get it) while the catmen and like, nana carpet seb and the rest are worker bees. the drones' only purposes is to mate with the queen (only the fittest ones get this honor) and they'll die in the act but they're happy doing so ^^; this is just me fumbling the hitch hikers’ role theres nothing more to this really, lol

- [i’m still marinating this thing with nou but its going to be mother manifesto 2.0 when i finally know how to verbalize it. wonder when that is... the following paragraphs are choppy and rough bc theyre mostly texts i sent to nou at 12am] AGAIN IM NOT A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER PLEASE EXCUSE ALL THE... IDK VERBS FORMS ERRORS I DONT KNOW! WHAT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!

i know luther is the emperor tarot card (totally agree. shes also the empress TO ME. because im me of course) but then nou told me about her being the sun while randal is the moon and. huh. that kinda caught me off guard because the sun is supposed to represent. well? good omen and all the nicest things in the world. huh. everytime i think too much abt this i’d get super emotional (im getting emotional Right Now. thats why i dont think i can fully articulate this 2.0 manifesto any time soon) bc yknow. according to a normal regular person’s standard, luther is far from “good”, but also cap did write that luther “believes hes a nice person but is working on it” (not the exact quote but you get it)

something about her trying to be a good person though she probably would never be one but still in her cynical little mind hes being sweet and loving and Good. and not doing whatever she "in the past" has done. bunch of references to "the past" are mostly if not all abt how horrible and terrible and scary she was and how she keeps saying shes not like that anymore though we arent sure how much of it is true bc shes fucked in the head to oblivion. its the thoughts that count i guess?

these are probably all related to luther giving birth to randal (in my head) since ARHGHGH idk!!!!!! i'd imagine this was her before having him (or at least, when she just had him for a few? years? decades?) and then until she had to raise randal and realized he needs to grow into a decent person and started that fucked up roleplay spiral game of her she goes out less and less and trying to be a perfectly normal loving human and a caretaker of this made up family and stopped doing whatever the fuck she was doing when she was still a young maiden terrorizing canada’s deepest forest suburban hell

since randal is like. THE ivory heir to me too he'll take over one day its like now shes just being a mom and making sure hes ready to be it. one day (that day might never come once again she loves making shits up in her head saying stuff no one can fucking understand. cynical woman) and also making sure everything around him is ready for his growth and also being a good role model for him. yadda yadda. not to mention randal keeps talking abt how shes not like before / this body isnt what it used to before as if they both know shes fucking aging (old) and having randal is what she wanted in life like how parents after having children just want to devote their entire life to give their children the best upbringing bc their time is ending soon its time for the next generation. THIS IS ALSO PURELY DELUSIONAL SORRY

whatever im rereading camping arc again (i do this every night) what can i say i love female hysteria and getting the horrors abt luther von ivory slowly descending into insanity

hello!! i hope you're doing great ♡

i'm the anon with the fixation on the donut shop girl (lmao) and the one who asked if touya actually picked reader on spin the bottle! (and maybe something else lol) i thought i could use an emoji to sign my asks since i feel like asking you too many things (even if it's a bit late 😅) would this one be okay? 🍥 i hope no one is using it!

sorry for the rant!! i wanted to say that part 6 updates got me squeaking, kicking my feet and twirling my hair, have you considered writing a 15 minutes in heaven? (jk jk...... unless)

now fr... soft touya got me on my knees! (yes.) i loved how even after realizing reader actually was okay with sending him that text, he still gave her space to clear her mind (even though i was dying for a kiss). i'm glad touya is at least a bit self-aware and knows that it's a bit hard to trust him 😔 also this part made it clear for me that he's interested in reader only since that night, that's good to know! i thought maybe he had his eye on her from before, and he shot his shot at the party.

on the other hand, hitoshi still doesn't give me good vibes, idk why! like... it probably is just my personal taste and not that he's fishy or anything, but... his words at the end didn't sit too well with me, although it's normal he was so passive-aggressive lmao.

either way, tomura best boy.

dying for part 7!!

- 🍥

YES!!!💕 HII!!!! I remember and I hope my answers helped ease yours and everyone else's curiosity 🤭 (at least somewhat)

I LOVE ASKS!!!!! NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY!!!!!😤 you can use an emoji if you want (I don't think that one is being used🤔)

OKAY!!!! SO!!!! (LONG ANSWER AHEAD SO IM GONNA PUT IT UNDER THE CUT👀)

💙💜

First of all, not 15 minutes 😭😭😭 I love how you didn't even say 14 to double it and just added an extra number LMFAOOO!!!

I'm glad you caught on to Touya pulling away and being like "I'm giving you space to sort everything out." AND MANNNN DID HE WANT A KISS TOO!!!!😩 he knows of his reputation so he gets it....but YES!!! HE ALSO CONFIRMED ITS BEEN YOU!!!

Now, I kinda teased the answer to this is a previous ask but I think I'll just clarify it here (sorry for not doing that before!😭) but at the party you were the only girl in the circle Touya hadn't been with yet SOOOO he picked you for 7 mins in heaven and before he could even try anything, you immediately turned him down.

Obviously, he knew why and bc of his reputation, so he thought he could be sneaky and seduce you (as he's done with the other girls who tried resisting him...) Turns out, that didn't work either and you ended up peaking his curiosity.... (this will possibly be explained more in part 7😭)

→ Touya: *is confused* "I don't....is she taken already? But I'm.....me?"

Half of y'all finding Hitoshi suspicious and the other half finding Touya suspicious is so funny to me???😭 y'all fucked up for catching feelings for two guys and sus them out?? BABE, LOOK IN A MIRROR!!!!LMFAOOO JK I LOVE YALL!!!😭💕

In all honesty, Hitoshi is hurt rn so he said that bc he's just....well....hurt😬. Tomura is here for everyone tbh....you've made a bestie for life🥹

Finally, there's been a few comments on part 6 asking about alternate endings and I'm so sorry but...that's not going to happen😔 I originally started this with one end in mind and although how TEMPTING it is to give them both an ending, only one will come out victorious. I WILL WRITE MORE FICS AND STORIES IN THE FUTURE GUYS!!!!!😭 LITERALLY RIGHT AFTER THIS STORY I TOLD YALL WHAT IM DOING!??!?? PLEASEEEE!!!!😭

We can all have a therapy session after? PART 7 SOON YAAYYYY!!!!!!!💕💕💕💕🎉

Look bestie, idk if hard hours are open but whatever, you'll read it when you read it. I am frothing about how seonghwa/hongjoong/yunho...actually I'll include San & jongho as well, how they would all love it when their partners are shy & embarrassed. It has me thinking thoughts!

I'll have thoughts come up about the others but right now I'm just imaging how Yunho would make the perfect 'first bf' because I think he would just be excited to be your first & he would just make you feel so special about yourself. I think he would tease the absolutely loving heck out of you whilst doing it, 'aww you look so cute when you blush for me'.

Imagine when you start getting intimate with him and you're like undressing & you're covering yourself because it's all new for you, he would just look at you with those puppy dog eyes and rub shoulders & say in a soothing manner, 'you have a beautiful body bunny, let me see all of it'.

Plus, when you've grown more confident with him, he would definitely use it as a way to humiliate you, just imagine you're pinned underneath him & you're all red in the face because even though you've been together a long time, you're still self-conscious. He would look down at you and coo at you in a mocking tone, 'aww is my sweet bunny still shy after all this time? Maybe I need to f*ck the embarrassment out of you mmh?'

yunho is bias wrecking everyone i see... it's okay, me too. (fem!reader)

he'd be very gentle with you, whether it'd be your first time with him or your first time in general. reassuring you how perfect you and your body is, and how happy he is to be able to show you what he can to help you feel that way. when he's given you the courage you needed to be around him shamelessly in more intimate times, that gentle act would soon dissolve into gentle aftercare. during the sex, however, expect him to make you flustered for the things you asked for, making you either repeat yourself or even tear up from him teasing you constantly. "look at you... you were so innocent before. but, now, bunny, even your own friends wouldn't recognize the slut in front of them. too bad that only ill be able to see you in this pretty state." if you try to even show an ounce of timidity he'd probably either fuck you with a teasing tone or threaten to record your moans and pleads for your friends to hear.

now for hongjoong. i can't remember the atiny tumblr writer here (please let me know who so i can credit them properly!), but they wrote a small fic of hongjoong fucking you in front of his mirror on the ceiling. i melted when i read that. hongjoong would take his time with you in the beginning, being as vanilla as possible. but the moment you say that you want your sex life with him to go further, he'd go feral. if you were to get shy and flustered whenever he'd dip his hands into your shorts while watching a movie or something, his smirk would appear. "are you really getting embarrassed over something as simple as this? well, let's see how embarrassed you'll really get when the good stuff comes." good stuff as in making you ride him with your head being forced in place to watch from the mirror where you and he connected.

idk why i think this but seonghwa and san might be the same person when regarding corruption. they, like the others, are sweet. so sweet you think you got a toothache (pls laugh im funny). once you told them that you can get into the kinkier side of things, let's say that you almost wished you hadn't.

seonghwa would make you and him play a more dependent relationship; ddlg if you will. he wouldn't make you do things you wouldn't want to, but he'd love when you'd turn your head and whine that licking his cock like a lollipop was too dirty. he'd chuckle before lifting your chin up with his thumb and index finger. "but you said it like that earlier on. baby, are you shy? or are you misbehaving. bad girls get punished, you know."

san would probably do the same thing, except he'd probably gaslight you into thinking you said something you didn't, but he knows you want to because he read the journal you kept and often shared with him (he would read the pages you kept hidden). "i thought you wanted daddy to fuck you hard today. isn't that what baby wants." you, feeling bashful would turn your head. "uh-uh, look at me or else you won't get what you want," he said while rubbing along your inner thighs, so close yet so far to where you want him.

jongho. oh my god jongho. he knows his strength, you know his strength, everyone knows his strength. he's strong everywhere: his vocals, his physique, his willpower. he felt honored that you gave him the permission to share your first ever sexual experience with him, and he made it memorable. but since then he's always treated you like a porcelain doll bound to break. when you finally told him to ruin you (and actually tried to by 'pinning him' to the bed and starting to ride him, he couldn't take it anymore. he picked you up and pounded you against the wall. when you were on the verge of cumming and babbled out how you were close, he laughed. "why are you so mindless now? you wanted me to be rough, and here i am. do you want your friends to see you in this state: so fucked out like this? tell me, love." then and there you would burst.

a/n i was reading other writers' answers to this ask and let's just say that i liked it a lot 😏

hi. you dont have to reply to this ask if you dont want to or if you do you can make it public Idm. also I dont mean to trauma dump so pls just delete this because tbh its too much. tl;dr at start Im starting to doubt my sexuality despite being in late 20s. also, tw sex, rape, csa, cocsa, etc. so, I've always known I kinda like girls and that Im more likely bi than straight. I was in love with one during highschool and I felt intense sexual attraction towards a close friend in uni. I was p far left back then so I thought this must be that demisexual thing where you only feel attraction once you get to know people LMAO. then I had some crushes on guys here and there, was virgin till 24 and then slept around way too much with guys. never had experience with a woman. now Im in proper relationship with a really nice guy. recently I started watching a show and identifies way too much with a lesbian character. like from how she acts to what she says regarding women she feels attracted to. I havent been able to sleep for past two nights and Im starting to wonder if I even feel attracted to him.

until we recently moved in together we had sex. a lot. but I had a meltdown because of past sexual trauma, all the sleeping around because of other reasons than wanting to have sex, (loneliness, low self esteem) csa and cocsa at hands of female relatives, so that also confuses me. we havent had regular sex, maybe once in a month. and last time I was hoping it to end soon and just waited it out. I dont blame my bf, hes never done anything wrong, and I was the one who told him to keep going. ofc I had told him Im bi but now Im so unsure if about what even attraction means. I honestly never felt that intense attraction towards a guy, ever. Ive felt that with several women, like random passerbyers and such. some women I couldnt take eyes off of and had to just move along because I felt like a creep (which also factors in me not wanting to look at women In That Way because thats how men look at women and its just hella confusing as a fellow woman who doesnt want to objectified by men either) Idk how much Im convincing myself I love men and society has brainwashed me. Idk what Im wishing to get out of this, Im just stressed I dont love my bf in That Way and this is just platonic love, that Ive convinced myself into doing even stuff like kissing and hugging because Thats What Im Supposed To Do.

anyway, thank you if you read it so far, thank you for your time. I would really like some advice if you have any but you also dont have to if you dont want to. btw I love your blog and if you cant tell I follow you on here. keep up the good work. <3 I hope you have a nice day!

aww that really sounds stressful and like a difficult situation anon :( honestly i think many lesbian & bi women go through some moments of doubt and confusion at least at one point in our lives so you’re not alone there. tbh i would encourage talking your feelings out with someone who knows you well and someone you trust, they can help give you perspective. sometimes we identify with something a lot that it can confuse us in many ways. and if possible, maybe experiment with women? it’s kinda hard to understand your attraction when it’s kinda just .. abstract?

to me it sounds like you may indeed be bi & maybe cycling (bi cycle) or perhaps you have a strong preference and are just realising it. however, i can’t determine your sexuality for u as i do not know you. this is why id recommend experimenting but of course you should be transparent with everyone involved (your boyfriend- idk whether you’d ask him if it’s possible to be open or something else, and whichever woman you experiment with). i overthink and doubt myself a lot and actually being with a woman definitely helped me. pushing myself to be with men to “test” whether im into them was personally highly traumatic for me so if someone thinks they’re a lesbian but has never been with a man & isn’t sure if they’re into it… id highly recommend NOT trying. getting clarity faster will never be better than not pushing your own boundaries and risking traumatising yourself. to me it sounds like you really need to be single right now and just explore yourself and try being with a woman and see how you feel from there. there’s also no shame in being unsure and not labelling your sexuality either.

also facing previous trauma like CSA especially can really make it hard to understand your sexuality, from my experience most bi & lesbian women who go through such intense confusion and identity disturbances like what u described have faced CSA too.. so you really aren’t alone there ❤️❤️ i wish you luck anon. you’ll figure it out you just need to give urself space and time

24/09/23

ok so i totally meant to do my hw but as i was getting to the last bit of my irish it just felt pointless, ive been feeling like that a lot lately, which is annoying cuz im always positive. i think i feel unliked by my best friends it kinda sucks but thats the way it is, ive been getting more snappy at them, so its kinda my fault so ill have to spend some more time near them and talk to them which feels hard because i just feel so pointless, life feels so pointless and for once not in the way of "yipee nothing matters" more like "nothing really matters so why try anyways".

so dark thoughts aside lifes been doing mediocre, i meant to say stuff so ill get a shit ton from my notes that i wanted to say said now. The spanish kid (who only joined this year to our school) is kind of annoying, idk if it was just me but when i added him on snapchat he asked who i was, which you know fine but he didnt ask my friend who also did that. anyways on tuesday(?) he sat in "apples" seat, she sits behind me, were friends now but we werent for six months. ill say in a later post. anyways the cabinet behind her has litter picker uppers because our maths teacher is the green schools advisor, anyways "spanish kid" we'll nickname him "4k4" decides to sit in apples seat bc it means hes kind of a little bit farther to the boys but he can go into the cabinet. also as soon as he joined he got immediantly accepted into the guy secret circle. anyways he pokes me once with the garbage picker upper, now let me preface this by saying im not a loner, i have no reason to be bullied and picked on except for being loud maybe, i always have too much optimism, i give compliments im nice, sometimes im dumb but not too dumb to make me unlikable. THERE IS NO REASONNN. but i got poked, and to be honest my feelings were a little hurt, all respect GONEE, so i got out a pen shell from my pencil case (yknow those bic pens where you can take out the inc and pen part, well basically the bit which was left was the pen shell). anyways i took it out just in case he poked me again... AND HE DID!?!? so i grabbed my pen shell and launched it into his face, it was rly funny cuz he wasnt looking and flinched rly badly and his friends started laughing.

another time was when i wanted to get into school i was going to go through the side entrance which can only be opened from the inside without a code, and 4k4 and some of his friends were there, and when i got there his main friend shut the door on me and laughed, i kinda stood there for a few minutes saying please, it was an old joke, and it was funny i was also laughing but 4k4 pointing at me and laughing in my face made me feel pretty shitty tbh.

anyways me and my friends had a mamma mia party 2 where we watched mamma mia 2, we had it on friday like last year and was held near a similar date (only a day off the original). it went ok, it felt weird, maybe i wasnt in a good headspace but i just felt lonely there.

i dont really want to talk about it much more besides that, i could just feel like shit because my period is soon but truthfully im just not sure. A german mayor came to our school maybe thats a bit revealing but whatever, for all you could know he could have come a month ago, thats how behind on my notes i am. some of this is OLD news. my old friend gave a speech to him, i liked my friend but then he asked this girl out, he got rejected and i felt like shit, it was clear to everyone i liked him and everyone knew and made jokes about it, i always blushed and i thought he might have actually liked me like that because he acted like it. i thought he had asked me on a date on wednesday, but i wasnt going to make it a date unless he told me it was. he mentioned something and said have you heard about me or something and i said "no what?" and i kept pushing but calmed down after three pushes and said no. when he left my friends told me he had rejected a girl the day before. i just felt like shit, complete and utter shit.

i completely erased my happy feelings of him, it semi worked i was better around him but i know that if he asked me out now then id say no. actually now that im thinking about it, maybe id explain how it made me feel earlier when he didnt like me and i felt bad and i know that hes going to feel bad too because i cant accept his feelings and im sorry, also 2 weeks after he asked out the first girl he asked out apple, she said no cuz she has a boyfriend, but like ive never been asked out before, why not me, what was wrong with me. it hurts sometimes but im over it.

im going to have to cut this short bc this is LONGG but apple said im really pretty in science which was a major upgrade from the week prior where she said i smelt, i wasnt too fazed by the insult but i was delighted by the compliment. yknow emerald, i mentioned him on thursday(?) but he won the student council elections, thank god it wasnt apricot i dont think i could have bared another year of having everyone trust him.. hes really not someone to be trusted.

ok so i have much more to say but i have to go sleep but i was watching foolishs pov of the qsmp event going on rn, and i need to watch the cellbit rpg but i just find that tabletop shit confusing and frankly the rpg thing confused me but i think i can wrap my head around it. as always good morning, good day and good night.

as a writer myself too, i definitely get the frustration of writer's block. ur better than me tho could never write fiction this good. if it's a script maybe i can stumble my way towards it but like- prose, prose??? scary stuff HAHAHHA. i'm wayyy more used to writing features, editorial and stuff like that so writing creatively paralyzes me fr probs should get over it HAHAHHA

speaking of writing tho, recently got my first ever job (full time over the summer and part time when i get back to school!) helping this creator write content for a website she's launching and probs gonna be helping her with her podcast too hehe (i'm also more of a broadcast person too over like publication writing so that's gonna be fun). so life's been reallyyyy busy. like i started preparing for freelance work since may and after like- 11 applications so glad i finally got a job but damn being paid to do something is a whole different kind of pressure. doing my best but sometimes i'm scared it won't be good enough and i'll just get fired HAHAHAH the days are starting to get blurry too bc i've kinda just been cooped up at home. anddd been trying to ✨adult✨ too by getting my driver's license, tax number, social security and all that but ghad with a job? idt i'll have the time to fix all that anymore. and i'm hoping to take the topik too so :">

times like this are when im rlly glad i got dream. like they rlly just give me that energy boost HAHAHAH (AND WITH THE NEW COMEBACK SOON??? AHHHH) r they like that for u too? i swear this is the first time i've wanted to get a tattoo for an artist like woah

oh and SPEAKING OF i was in the manila concert day 1 all the way in the farthest section. actually got really determined to work bc of that experience bc i am determined to go both days vip the next time they're in manila HAHAHHA. happy to say i'll most likely earn enough to do that by next month hehe. gonna treat myself for the hard work by getting mark's bubble HAHAHHA

haven't gotten to reading the new renjun fic updates (unless my eyes are deceiving me and i read that wrong & there r not updates) but! i'm rlly looking forward to it. hoping both of us have enough writing juices to finish up the things we're working on HAHAHHA. and i hope you're doing well with school or work or whatever your doing too! and when things get tough hope u have a support system there for ya :>

anywayy i'll go skidaddle now HAHHAHA worked 8hrs today so 💀 byee

(p.s. by any chance do u have any plans of writing any series for mark? would KILL to have ur writing bring his character to life if not that's SUPERRRR chill too frfr jus curious hehe)

frm the biggest phatest markf,

-covid anon 🤒 HAHAHAH

you calling my 'ripping my hair out slamming words into the keyboard at 1am' writing prose is such a huge compliment my dear covid anon, you have no idea. never in my life have i considered anything ive written to be like... serious... because i just enjoy writing about a bunch of singin dancin boys, but. i do put an obscene (and embarrassing) amount of care and work and thought into this little fanfiction thing and i just. thank you? blowing kisses all the way to your timezone

anddd been trying to ✨adult✨ too by getting my driver's license, tax number, social security and all that but ghad with a job? idt i'll have the time to fix all that anymore. and i'm hoping to take the topik too so :">

GODDAMN! you have your plate full, but frankly those are all really, really good and important and STRONG steps towards adulting!! you're further than me, i dont have my license yet (haven't even started, rahh, uber is my best friend) but whenever i come on here i think of you, covid anon, so hearing this makes me feel like an irl just told me they accomplished something big LOL i'm actually so happy for you. these are big steps. AND THE NEW CB IS ALREADY FUCKING ME UP! IDGAF RENJUN IN THAT LITTLE PAPERBOY CAP, LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE I'M UNWELL!!!!!! today the second theme dropped (idk if you'll see this on the same day as i send it) with the energy drinks and such, and the fuckig... neon concept...!!!!!!!! i wanted to get a tattoo for my bts era like a 7 or something like that on a very tiny part of my body but then i remembered how i genuinely thought i would be a 5sos fan forever and i was like 'lets hold off on that very, very permanent decision lmfao'

AND TO ANSWER YOUR MARK QUESTION! you messaging me this actually did make me go through all of my potential wips (all.... very very many of them) and one that i found for mark that i'm actually still very interested in is an exchange student concept! little plot: mc is a part of a university exchange student program, and with that comes staying with a host family; the uni that mc is from does it in a raffle/blind matching style where you get put with a family who's profile matches with yours best, and mc gets.... the lee family! with eldest brother and vaguely famous rockstar taeyong, awkward and endearing middle child mark lee, and the night and day '00 twins'; sunshine incarnate lee donghyuck, and 'doesn't speak unless spoken to' lee jeno!!! it takes place over six months in the summer to autumn season, the first semester; and love blooms in the damndest places!

if this sounds like something you'd like, maybe i could fandangle this for my next wip...? winky face

anyway i love you lots covid anon, i hope your adulting goes on without a hitch!!!! until you message again <3

2/25/2023

So this is probably an awful idea. But when you were getting married and then having your honeymoon, i wrote letters to you. that i didnt send to you. i think i only had 3 or 4 days worth of them. But I have no clue when i will ever speak to you again. And like, speak speak. Not some short text. I'm very torn on everything. my heart, is shattered. truly. But you know. At least I have to think you know. Maybe you have like, been able to trick yourself into thinking i never cared. or idk. i just dont know Courtney. I am sorry that i felt this was planned. you did admit it was, after comparing me to Chad first of course. But planned in that, yo. i cant take this. its fair and justified. Maybe the Chad comparison was fair too. idfk. It also makes me hate myself more than I ever thought I could. i have been crying so much today that i have no concept of time. I am glad that at least you have had a wonderful Saturday. Out of town with a friend. Seeing a hopefully enjoyable movie. I was left to morn my dead Dad and now the most important relationship ive ever had. idk if youll ever read or see any of these. And christ i dont want to come off bitter or angry. or anything. I know that i hurt you already. fuck. i hurt you so much that you were like, peace dude. im just, shocked? i dont get how we are video chatting and opening gifts and i bought a hotel for us. To meet up in a crazy thing where I had no plan as to HOW things were gonna work. But my love and need to see you bypassed any real worries. It's crazy how this relationship brought that out of me. I think looking back at things, I was still a bit of a stick in the mud comparably. But you definitely brought something out of me that was crazy and off the cuff. I liked it. I wish i could save things. I wish this was like that early time when you broke things off and then like 2 days later came back and said you couldnt be without me. I'm not religious but I am hoping there are some sort of synchronicities or coincidences that send you back to me. I didnt expect you to not break up with me just because it was my dead father''s birthday. That would be manipulative. You broke up with me just the other day and I cant even tell you WHY. I remember alot of you telling me how YOU had negatively effected my life. And i deserved better and whatever. But i just wanted you. I told my mom that I have never loved someone like i loved you, and I never will again. I didnt know I was capable of love like this. I wont ever find it again. This message sucks cause its all over the place and im not making much sense or keeping a consistent tone. the barbed comments I would make. Back handed shit. god, they are all i can fucking think about. I cant imagine how differently things wouldve been if you hadnt immediately started having sex with new people. my brain just cant Courtney. How can you love me, want a future with me, want children, a home. But then as soon as you are single, its not me. Its not me at all. It's someone else. It really fucked with my head. And honestly, i just think I am a square. I have never hooked up with anyone in my life. I have only had sex with people I had relationships with. And the concept of sex outside of that is not only unappealing to me, but kind of grosses me out. Thats for me. I get people are into their own things and I dont judge. But being faced by someone who can say all this lovey dovey bs to me, and go fuck another man. And theres no connection? its just sex? whats the big deal? well, thats where my brain goes insane. I've never felt good enough or worthy of you. And for you to immediately shack up with someone NOT me while saying different things to me, it really fed into that insecurity. But thats me right? its MY insecurity. So who would you be to respect or acknowledge that. You are a young single woman who can finally go out and experiment and find yourself. Neither me or anyone else should stand in your way of that. But god dammit did it break my heart. And your ability to seemingly never think of me and my feelings just solidified mentally that i was not good enough. i was not worthy. and maybe worst of all, I was not your first choice. i lashed out with my words. my tone. things i said. how i said that. ugh. i wish...i wish i couldve just been your supportive friend. YASSS QUEEN! GO EAT SOME PUSSY! there are moments when i can be cool. But the uncool version of me surfaced his ugly head far more often as more of your experimentation took off. It just blows because, this only got bad once this started. Prior to that, i feel like things were wonderful. But i am probably sugarcoating things post mortem. i regret ever telling you i had bipolar disorder. i regret ever telling you about my anxiety disorder. Because in breaking up with me, they were both brought up. Negative is negative though. Just sucks feeling like you arent good enough from the get go and then being made to feel like you are broken and needing fixing. I dont know alot of people who would be okay with the love of their life fucking other people. Especially when that same person has told you they want you over anyone. But then when you try to plan a future together, those conversations go nowhere. So idk. Too much too soon I guess. I know that no matter what negative things i may think of the situation, I know I am at fault. I couldnt handle the pressure of being with a poly person. And I especially couldnt handle it when it seemed like the plans to experiment and have sex with other people superseded our plans that we talked about of a future together. But as i said, I know i am wrong. I am the villain. I think of some of the things i said to you in the days following you telling me Andi was coming there to get a hotel so you 2 could fuck. And christ. my tone. the meanness. i know i can change. i know it. maybe you'll change too? But maybe some of your negative qualities will change in your period of experimenting. who knows? all i know is each hour that passes and I cant talk to you breaks my soul. as much as I am sure you would prefer me checking my insurance to see if i could get therapy and medicated, i am afraid i am looking into seeing if it will cover me committing myself. Because I am genuinely unsure how i can go on. All i can think about is taking a bunch of Ativan and walking out into the woods and falling asleep and never waking up. Which in my present state I can realize is not good. The issue is, between the hotel i JUST bought us Thursday, and the hotel I bought us for your visit here in April, that's over $900 i charged that's non refundable. If I commit myself, I will lose my job. Outside of hotel money, i am just in debt in general too. So i feel so fucking stuck. None of this matters though. I just want you back. I don't care about money. I don't care about who else you have sex with. i just want my angel back. i can and will change. And I am TERRIFIED because per you,  you are a serial monogamous relationship person. I want to change so you will love me again. I want to change so you can feel comfortable with your heart with me. But what if it takes to long? And you're already on to the next one? idfk. But my soul is crushed and i feel like giving up. I'm back to where I was before we met. The difference is now i have the pain and grief of losing my cosmic lover. My partner the universe brought into my life. How does one cope with such a loss? How does one live knowing they lost a love that was unlike anything they've ever experienced. I don't know. i do not want to live a life without you in it. 

I cant do this amymore. The real one I've been trying to convince this whole time has never been you. Not even for a second. There is no convincing you and i know that all too well. I wasnt giving you what you expected from me and you backed me into a corner so i was sent to rehab the first time when i was so very close to going on my own. All i wanted was to be able to talk to you and not get the feeling that you thought you would catch aids just from being in the same room as me. To feel like a fucking human with the ability to make choices not the completely helpless lunatic you made me feel like and convinced my mother i was. One more conversation where you didnt patronize me and it could have been my choice. I know i was on drugs but guess what i was not nearly as deranged as you said. That was the gaslighting. It was re ams it did happen to me. Lets just go with the last year of it with sarah. You told me over and over that she didnt hate me, that she would never say those things to me, even when i had proof. AND THEN YOU THOUGHT I WOULD BE OK WITH SHARING YOU. THE ONLY PERSON IVE TRULY LOVED. THE ONE I WOULD COME BACK TO, THE ONE I KNEW I LOVED AT FIRST SIGHT HOW THE FUCK DID YOU THINK I WOULD BE OK WITH ANY OF THAT. Im not even that mad at her, she just wanted you too. I came back too soon. I said that all along and its true. I made us miss our chance, i destroyed our happily ever after because i was impatient wow whats new. You didnt get it when i said that to you. I came back too soon and hurt you yeah, but i hurt me more, i hurt someone who's relationship with you would have ended in the same explosion with or without me. I put myself through the worst mental torment of my life bc i was convinced i would loose you forever if i didnt. Answering your call in june and coming over was the mistake that killed us. That was the point that could have changed a lot. But instead now i have way more trauma than i started my addiction with that i won't even begin to let on about bc just the smallest passing thought still destroies me. My mom sent me a picture of a puzzle that was from either you or your mom and that just about sent me into a big loop in the middle of a meeting. Im sorry for how angry this sounds. Im really not mad, i just don't think you know even a fraction of the damage that was inflicted on me. Our love was something special. But as much as i hate to even entertain this thought...the longer im sober the more evident its becoming that i should have saved myself a whole fuck ton of heartache and tried to move on months ago rather than clinging onto memories. You still talk to the one who physically assaulted me- in never speaking to her again. And last year you tried to tell me i was the problem with me and sarah. I had no df respect and you saw that. My terms are as follows, (honestly idk why i even bother i know what i say will never change a gd thing, unless its drive you away further.)

1. You know how deeply i love you, and i know how you love me. But i hope you know how much everything has hurt me. Relationship and private counseling needs to begin immediately.

2. I'm only saying this because of how traumatic this was. Please do not say a word about a threesome until i say its ok. 2021 had some of the best moments but overall its been the worst year of my life. I need help to heal, and i want to be there for you.

3. I don't care how much she cares, i don't care one fucking bit about any of it i do not want to have to see or hear about sydney. Physical assault, based on her own ideas none of which were true and even my mom still talked to her about me after i explicitly told her to stop. Can't do it. At least not for the next 10-50 years. It's not her, it's the reminder that she was still better than me in your eyes, and always probably will bw unless she becomes an iv heroin addict. Yes my brain is a little fucked up that's what the counseling is for.

4. Stop treating me like I'm an apostate. You left me when I needed you most. I couldn't fight to keep you there because i was literally almost dead. I hadn't used the week leading up to the hospital and yeah, i wanted some when i got out because i needed something to numb the pain of the love of my life said goodbye to me while I'm in the hospital and to weak to be able to stop it. I have theories on why you did it, but good and bad, it got me to the lowest point ive ever been to. And I'm still there. I don't want to live. All this shit fucking hurts, it's exhausting...all the thoughts of all the bad shit i did to you on repeat. I just want it to end. But i have to accept that there will never be an end, unless i wait it out or take it in my own hands. I'm only not doing that for my mom. The only help i want from you in that department is just you... its always quieter around you because you actually make me feel loved.

So after all that,

Im assuming thatll leave us at goodbye. Would be nice to actually get a goodbye but really idk what im thinking I'm a fucking disaster writing this. A goodbye to you would honestly most likely kill me. Yay.