#maybe im just autistic and think too much about stuff that doesnt matter
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so, i have thought more about what we now know about botw2 and honestly, setting aside the smaller things i am not a fan of (like the building aspect) my biggest gripes about it are the plot looking like its gonna be very generic, especially regarding ganondorf, while i hoped it would perhaps finally give us a little more interesting take instead good vs evil; and the oh so mysterious figure you see in in the trailer very likely to be hylia, since shes mentioned constantly in the first game (among other things like her design being pretty much a carbon copy of zelda for the most boring reasons imaginable)
and no its not just bc of my stupid little fanworks (that i do bc i love the franchise, as much as i am critical of it, it comes from being very passionate about it, hence me working my fan lore around the canon so it doesnt disturb it much, its more meant to expand it on parts i think are a little lacking without me trying to sound superior, literally just as an act of love (and a little spite ill admit that) to add something to it)-
BUT bc i have little hope they would do anything more than just going full blown "this monstrous beast is pure inherently evil, and this is the pure inherently good white little girl goddess whos just protecting her god given perfect and unshakable good tm monarchy" with no little to no nuance
(theres also alot more to be critical of the general structure and implications like racism, orientalism, nationalism, that while i can see alot of wrong or questionable things in the games i lack the eloquence to talk about in its full range)
yes i am personally biased bc i just .. hate that kind of story/worldbuilding structure, but i dont think im the only one who would think of it as boring and .. disappointing?
i dont need ganondorf to be redeemed, i dont need him to be the good himbo bf that some people think all ganondorf stans want, i just want him to be more than to shout "i will conquor this kingdom bc i am evil and want it" and send a horde of monsters after you, at the very least id want the game to just aknowledge that there must be a reason for it, why it turned out like this
the zelda series and its world has so much potential, which is probably a reason for its popularity in fanworks, but also keeps not using it, no i dont expect a company like nintendo to deliver on all my hopes, of course not, im not that delusional, but the further i think and learn about this universe and concepts they created i find myself asking "why" more and more where the games never elaborate, never question
i like a clear structure, i like when your choices dont have a big or any impact on the story bc i want to live the story, not worry about every decision like i already do every second of my life IRL, i want to partake in a movie, in a theater piece i can influence the pace of but not change the outcome, yet i feel kind of ... ignored? let down? asking why and how, how do they know this is right and this is wrong, how do they keep enacting this seeing it never works out, keep saying defeat this evil, but evil yet returns stronger than before over and over, how do they never ask "is this the right way?", they say "we need to kill it more next time"
i know they are fictional little characters made up to sell a game, with a convevient plot point to ever repeat the same structure, but it cant be wrong to say "i love this world, i want to see and know more, i want to see it grow and change, break the cycle and be better, show me characters not puppets"
theres very surely nuances and ideas i am sorely missing bc i lack the knowledge of japanese as a language, culture, and mythology, but i dont think it invalidates all that i feel for it ..
.. right?
#ganondoodles talks#botw2#tloz totk#rambling#long post#just to comment on the building aspect again#i think i dislike it so much bc it feels like the zelda world might be heading towards a too modern one#i dont like how alot of series of all entertainment treat industrialization as inevitable#that every world will have cars and planes and phones the way we have#botw took some modern concepts and very elegantly remade them into something that fits and doesnt feel out of place#maybe im just boring#maybe i just dont like alot about the world we live in and it pains me to see the escapist relief of it be turned into a copy of it#maybe im just autistic and think too much about stuff that doesnt matter#lmao#or something
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maybe i shouldve told someone other than the gossip besties that the art teacher when talking about her friends autistic kid and then promptly finding out im autistic and took offense with how she talked about them basically said ”not like that though”
#theres a difference between recognizing a persons need to be taken care of and completely disrespecting them.#she crossed that line. like i mentioned me being autistic and saying how low functioning isnt really used by us#and then she proceeded to explain how much this person cant do. i dont even know their name why would you tell#your whole art class that? its a total breach of privacy#i have never met them they had never given me permission to know that! i doubt they want you going around telling us that!#and she said it in a way that was definitely demeaning. i doubt she has this person as an actual person in her mind#and i dont think this was even a kid! like iirc theyre around our age! like fucking hell#this is one of many stupid bullshit things she has done that make me despise her. sad because art is my biggest passion#and to have a teacher who is a total… i dont know? would bigot fit? also her husband is a cop.#and she has a blue lives matter patch on her apron. i want to mention that half or more of our class were poc#shes also a huge harry potter fan. instant red flag she doesnt shut UP! about it.#she also said that in older art women were naked a lot because “their bodies were worshipped”#which is blatantly untrue and also confirms that she just. does not think of trans people.#which if she werent an hp fan i would take as just another stupid cis person moment but the deeper vibes are there#oh she also constantly points out how one of us always draws darker things while completely disregarding the reason she draws what she does#not all dark things are edgy im sure you know and talk to her enough to know the trauma she puts in this#i definitely have stuff on her that at the very least would get her in trouble. but i dont wanna go talking to departments#its hard for me i dont like talking to teachers and people i dont know… but maybe i could say something anonymously#my parents are fed up with her too for different reasons#i speak
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re: the taemin thing (sorry im so annoying about this but i feel you wanna talk about it as much as me!). i wanted to mention his blinking habit too, but as someone who is not autistic myself (not diagnosticated at least lmao) i was afraid it was just me making assumption but you noticed it to so!!! cool. anyway i could say many more things but the line between being just a strange little dude and being a strange little autistic dude is so thin!!! (like the fact that he eats random stuff at unlikely times of the day or that he's so forgetful). ANYWAY!!!!!! i just really love him and how shinee adapts their behaviour around him to make sure hes comfortable
YES ur never annoying i absolutely wanna talk abt it forever 🥺🥺
(this got kinda long so im putting it in the readmore lol)
but yeah the blinking habit for real !!! ur definitely not wrong to pick up on that ! (i even sponged it from him sometimes lol x_x) its cool that non autistic ppl have an interest in this stuff tbh :3 i think that more ppl understanding autism and all the weird specifics of it is rly the key to our happiness ykno 🤔because most non autistic ppl know literally. jack shit.
also the eating thing YEAH 😭😭 thats also so autism to me. shinee is so good to him !!!! u can tell that even if they dont know WHY he is the way he is, that theyve figured out how he works and how to treat him....
there was such a moment in the 15m thing when key was asking taemin to "prepare" the veggies... and taemin got such a look of dread where hes like "what...... wdym.. ?" & kibum has to be like "CUT THEM taemin" lol 💀💀 its such a silly moment but its SOO quintessential to me for both what its like to be autistic (ie: what the fuck are u saying to me "prepare" this. as if im supposed to know what that means), and what its like to be close with an autistic person (kibum having to kinda remember to "translate" what hes saying for taemin so he knows what hes talking about, it reminds me of how my partner is with me sometimes 🥺)
also back to when im saying they probably dont know why he is the way he is, even if they know all his ins and outs, i think this is probably the same for taemin 🤔 he strikes me as someone who prob doesnt know hes autistic, just knows hes "weird" and "different" and has figured out how to live like that despite. reminds me of myself kind of, cos i wasnt "diagnosed" (used loosely) until maybe 19 ? which is still young but at that point i had already been thru school and everything not knowing x_x its definitely possible to figure your life out & how you work without a diagnosis, and i think it happens all the time, but its also really really hard. i think having a name for it and something u can actually research & learn about is rly helpful. so even tho hes like 30 now im still kinda always hoping he realises 🤔 if it makes his life that much easier ykno ?
this is also why it pisses me off so much that ppl get THAT up in arms when this is brought up. ppl act like falsely "accusing" someone of being autistic will ruin their life, when really its basically harmless (obviously unless ur directly using it as an insult). even the opposite might be true 🤷♂️ someone can rly benefit from realising about themselves. also why im so pro self dx !!! even if everyone is "misdiagnosing" themselves these days (🙄 which prob isnt true anyway) like. whats the worst that could happen ? why does it matter if someone is wrong... they might still find some info that will help them 🤷♂️ theres not really any autism "resources" that are in scarcity so i dont rly care if someone thinks they are even if theyre not ?
#yea also the reason i say ''diagnosed'' in quotes is cos i was told by like 2 doctors but they didnt want to put it on the record 🤷♂️#so im technically not prof dxed but like. i also am 🤦♂️#in hindsight i think its good that they didnt bc i think it'd just cause problems... but at the time i was so pissed lol#because it was for rly stupid reasons#even doctors dont know a lot about it if its not their area of expertise 🤷♂️
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I'm the guy who submitted the anon ask before (where u drew me a pic of Drake, thank u so much I will cherish it for the rest of my life!!!) and I'm in need of some Haunted headcanon inspo for a dnd game I'm trying to run soon!! Tell me some of ur headcanons, no matter how obscure, small, or seemingly insignificant
SRY THIS TOOK SO LONGGGG i. forgort BUT HERE R A FEW !!! :D some of these are my own and some of these are me parroting things ive heard from the haunted discord that i love (u should totally join the discord btw its fun i can give an inv to anyone not already there if anyone wants one!!)
-Drakes issues regarding tone and reading the room, such as 1) his default mode of speaking being thru sarcasm (no hes really not always trying to be rude, thats just how he communicates 😭), and 2) cracking jokes or quips at inappropriate times (like when graysons house was burning down and drake was all like “wow grayson sure does love his secret hatches lawl” and “he should really rethink his escape routes for next time haha!” like drake this is NOT THE TIME). Im not saying hes NOT sassy or rude (because he totally is <3) but like. its not ALWAYS ON PURPOSE OK LMAO he is autistic 🫶
-somewhat related to this is that i hc that he says cheesy lines like “erm… hes RIGHT behind me isnt he” and “um guys, you MIGHT wanna take a look at this…” all the time, and he does so bcs he repeats phrases hes read in books (or from movies/shows he saw before traveling to the future or whatever) a lot. either that or he just Says That Stuff which is almost funnier
-drakes sleeping schedule SUCKS dude and a big parta that is cuz enderman are nocturnal and his internal clock is all messed up. (the water up on his mountain canonically helps him sleep tho im pretty sure?)
-his bodys kinda awkward to move around in, and hes always tripping over his feet or bumping into stuff (hes just like me fr….)
-this ones odd, but the subspecies of enderman that drake is fused(??) with have rings all over their body that they use to light up dark areas (such as caves), and to communicate (blinking lights like fireflies, bright flashes to intimidate others, are dim when sick, etc). Theyre able to control this using their natural magic or whatever. HOWEVERRR drake is unable to control his himself! His rings are stuck at a set brightness, and he cant “turn them off”, leading him to always be expelling a small but steady amount of magic. This is part of why he runs out of mana faster than other magic users/enderman, and is part of why he tries not to waste his mana when possible.
-related to above, hes not ab magic doesnt last very long, but is very volatile and powerful in bursts. this is the OTHER reason he doesnt use magic willy nilly .. he has to learn how to harness it properly or else he might end up hurting people by accident (this might literally be canon but i thought id mention it anyway)
-in the haunting one, hes always stating things abt himself that we never actually get to see (like when he calls himself the builder, or good at parkour, or when armen said that he had a problem with breaking windows???? 😭) so i like to think that those are just collins memories slipping thru the cracks, and those memories dont rly belong to/are about drake at all. theres probably other shared fuzzy memories he has from collin too (like ruby shire perhaps) so thats super fun to play with!! I think this might actually be also canon but yk
-ARMEN iiii love this guy ok so i love to hc that, after hes revived/saved (IF you want to go that route!), he comes back not dead, but not quite alive either…. hes like sorta half and half to me lol. or maybe hes alive, but coming back to life has some side effects (like being cold all the time for example). Hes also suuuper sleepy all the time after hes saved LET HIM SNOOZE dude.
as much as it pains me, I also love the hc that armen comes back with his memory wiped (i think this is close to where the intended canon was supposed to head as well!). You can either go the “his memory is totally wiped, which effectively makes him a new person” route, the “his memory is wiped back to the fall into the lava, right before HB possessed him” route, or the “his memory gets wiped to before HB was involved in his life whatsoever” route. I like all 3 options aaaah idk what my favorite is!!! i’ll probably talk in depth abt these in a different post later bcs the fact that it adds more parallels between him and collin/drake makes me insane. either way he will sometimes have unexplainable deja-vu and things will feel familiar to him.
-armen is super cold all the time (always wearing sweaters and stuff) while drake is super warm all the time (always wearing thin clothes. but this is cuz hes always expelling some sorta magical energy involuntarily, so when he runs outta mana he gets cold as well) this isnt important or anything i just like it :3c
-i like to think that despite his affinity towards it before the fall, he tries to avoid combat & conflict when possible post-possession/revival. very “uhh im a lover not a fighter haha ..” (<- could kick your butt if he tried) vibes. or maybe he lost all combat ability post revival and totally sucks now !! either way man just wants to chill (he is traumatized)
-MIA shes lowkey scared of being on the water after her and her sisters shipwreck, the day she was captured by the empire. she probably slips back into familiarity when they take over that airship one time tho- maybe she gets an airship of her own in the future o:? haunted group sky pirate crew when 🤨???
-along with magic, she also GETS INTO ALCHEMY/CHEMISTRY !!! its like.. magic ??? without needing to provide any ACTUAL magical power yourself?? thats so fucking sick ok. She and drake do magicy-sciencey experiments together and they end up blowing stuff up a lot. despite what drake says, they BOTH enjoy the chaos.
-mia and armen would be BEST. FRIENDS. i think abt mia armen friendship literally all the time they would be so chaotic and thoughtful with each other i love mia armen friendship sm. maybe mia helps style his hair like hers since its grown out later :] They are so sibling core to me
-related to both yhings above, she shares her love of learning with armen. They learn tons of random stuff together :D chemistry archeology history magic biology etc. Mia loves learning anything she can get her hands on, and armen feels the need to learn everything he missed while he was gone.
(sidenote: if he comes back with completely wiped memory, him learning all different sorts of subjects is him trying to figure out what he enjoys, and who he is as a person. “building himself up from ground zero”. and mias glad to help ): <3)
-MIA AND GRAYSON ARE ALSO SIBLING CORE !!!!!!!!!! you are NOT immune to the “mia is everyones sister” propaganda …. im mind controlling you ….
-grayson my GUY dude ok. not rly a hc and more of an observation but i loooove how hes so serious and pessimistic all the time but hes also like…. friendly (yet distrusting) and silly (devouring and entire cake and being all like “:D” with a flower crown and slimey friend) like idk i just looav that contrast its yummy. cruel world forcing his joyous whimsey into hiding </3
-finds a sickening comfort in loneliness, while also being deeply afraid of it. no it is not healthy. i might have to describe this later, as ive not found the words to do so yet.!!! maybe others can add onto this if they wish :)))
-His wife was fucking awesome ok. She was totally anti-empire and wrote many pamphlets that hurt the emperor & his followers image under an anonymous name that spread around the public like wildfire. Did she initially start dating grayson to get more info on the empire without his knowledge? Was she herself high up in the empires chain of command, helping get grayson the job in the first place? Did grayson know and help his wife with her endeavors(im leaning towards yes but no would be fun)? idk but she was awesome and they committed treason together and were in love
-idk if im totally down with the idea, but graysons wife and/or kid ending up being ALIVE…. MANNN THAT COULD BE SO GOOD. SO DRAMA INDUCING. GRRRR i wanna play with this later
-if i start talking abt drake and grayson friendship i will not shut up about it so ill keep it BREIF ….. they are ambiguously romantic/ALMOST queerplatonic to me. they dont care abt labeling what they are, partially bcs they CANT. they r life partners who hold hands and find comfort in the others consistency and the stability their friendship brings. grayson calls drake his “darling husband” for shits and giggles and drake glares at him (while very obviously smiling). OK WE’RE DONE ..
-none of them are allocishet sorryyyy (<- not actually sorry at all) i can list out my queer hcs later if anyone wishes smile :))
-collin, luke, and lalea are still cooking in my head .. i dont have that many hcs abt them qwq i suggest looking to APPLE @apple-rose301 FOR THESE GUYS (she said i could @ her for this) and for any character hcs and analysis stuff tbh, their thoughts are basically canon to me /pos . would also love to hear EVERYONES THOUGHTS AND ANALYSES AND HCS EVER !!!! so if anyone sees this … u should totally list out ur own thoughts :)))) PLEASR PLEASEPLEA
i also have more thoughts on each character analysis wise, specifically the contrasts and parallels they have with each other and themselves, but that might be putttt into a different postttt
OH also sry for being more drake focused i loav drake he is my favorite guy ever ever .!! I HOPE THESE FEW LITTLE THOUGHTS ARE ALRIGHT THO TYSM FOR ASKINNGGGG (ALSO IM GLAD U LIKED THE DRAWING TYY) AND ALSO ID LOVE TO HEAR MORE ABT THIS DND CAMPAIGN HELLO ???
#asks o:#the haunted minecraft#losing my mind#headcanons#also i had way too much fun with the colored text LMK IF I SHOULD REMOVE IT and make it all black instead :P
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feeling melancholic and hopeless again. so im gonna just write out my emotions and none of it correlating. self pity post galore
im thinking about things. life is rough. so stressful. my mental illness is worsening by the day. lots of stuff happens behind the scenes that i choose to not talk about
and what im thinking about now, is that who was once one of my absolute comforts (junko).. im thinking abt that adorable little fumo plush of her i ordered several months ago is just sitting on top of my other plushies.. that i wasn't even excited to have her when she first arrived.
i didn't care.
and that hurt, knowing i didn’t, remembering how much she once meant to me.
same with my Chang’e. i want nothing to do with either of them now. they no longer bring me an ounce of comfort, only dread and remnants of a self indulgent story of kindness that once lifted me up. it all died. feels too idealistic. i feel like im too much of an outcast to let this story exist outside my private circles. i dont even want it anymore, or if i want to ever again
i think as of lately, focusing on oc’s (including ones i havent spoken of yet) has been better for my state of mind
doesnt help that im kiiinda only appreciated for my Junko works!!!! awesome!! i dont want to draw her anymore !!! fml!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! other people are better at drawing her than me anyway, ya wont miss me. lemme focus on my evil lady oc instead...
maybe im being melodramatic, and i do not care. perhaps in a few months i will be enamored with them again? idk. idc either
i feel more disconnected than ever to fandom, when i was seldom a part of any of it in the first place. im that person that exists on the outskirts, not really part of their community. im disconnected to people. i cant make connections with anyone, but i never could .. ok . i could, with a couple folks here and there. im grateful they want me around (not counting my partner of course, theyre the best thing thats ever happened to me. im not just lucky, im fortunate af we met at all)
im aware of my own issues- im autistic, im unmedicated when i probably need meds to regulate my emotions, i live in a toxic family. im triggered terribly easily, and when im hurt, it *hurts*.
i fear that, because of my strange way of speaking and how a lot of my conversations are stilted, and what i perceive as unusual behavior-- i fear i make other people creeped out/uncomfortable. irl or otherwise. like, maybe ppl will be friendly to me at first, but after a year and i dont say much anything and im just this creepy, quiet weirdo to them now. and thats so silly. whats creepy about me?? im a pint size thing who cant even look anyone in the eye very well. is that creepy?? ok, i struggle to talk sometimes, i might be uninterested in conversation but i dont want to be disliked for it-- idk ((ok i have “Creep” by Radiohead set in my mind because of my mental state, and its kinda funny to me for some reason)
i genuinely feel like i lack intelligence. i suck at thinking. i suck at thinking of words, remembering things, and the tiny mistakes i do make are SO small that it should be impossible to make the mistake in the first place. was i always like this? i feel like i used to be smarter , lol
i am quite literally, a complete failure in my family. i cant stress the truth in that enough. even my grandmother is disappointed in me and only wants to see a text message from me saying i got a worthy job in my field. that only thing that matters to anyone, my one and only point of interest in everyone i speak to in my life even outside my family, is that i dont have a real job. thats it. everyone is waiting for me to be.. someone.
because im no one.
but none of them have been a particularly positive influence in my life, seeing as im stuck here.
i genuinely feel disgusting for existing. my body feels wrong to be in when i am visible to any human being. perhaps even to any animal and bug, too. i dont want to be looked at, to be remembered by anyone who wont understand me
nothing is changing!!!!! and when it is, its worse than before!! why cant i just be brave and GO
..
..
..
not all of this reflects reality. i beat myself up a lot. mirrin knows it. i know it.
it hurts
#ribbonvent#tw i talk somewhat ableist towards myself. sorry#all in all... im just venting. take my particuarly heavy words with a grain of salt#i have a lot on my mind. this is only a portion of what stresses me#mirrin is helping me ground.. i love u mirrin
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after a million years plus an addition million years post the show ending i am finally just now scribbling out my takes and stuff on fethry's immediate family a la how they would fit into dt17 canon
the breakdown in my mind is that all 3 of eider and lulubelle's children are Strange and Ambiguously Disordered (fethry taking the most after his mother) and also to some degree have inherited eider's legendary strength (abner being basically on par with his father and fethry as the baby and the runt of the three being much more close to just having normal person strength, though still a bit surprising for how noodly he is)
more specific points abt the family under the cut bc i dont want the post to be too long @_@
abner
definitely autistic (as 3 and also lulu are) but its like in that. i dont have healthy coping mechanisms to deal with how alienated from ppl i feel so im just gonna fish and carve wood and if anyone enters my space i will burn it down with both of us still inside it. way
that being said abner’s still plenty capable of being a compassionate guy deep down. he cares a lot about his family and takes whatever responsibility u entrust him with extremely seriously
comes off as emotionally stunted bc he doesnt really show affection in the “normal” way, including and especially physical affection and also. saying shit out loud. he has his own love language its called * noncommittal groan of acceptance as you enter his house *
in my brain i know he should have a job but all i can think about is him fucking off in the woods so he doesnt have to talk with people. maybe one of those people who sit in towers all day to make sure forests dont burn down. i dunno
mary
loves acting and wants to be a professional stage/screen actor so bad but is unfortunately terrible at acting. probably been in like a few commercials or something
very very dramatic, im talking full comedy sketch of a julliard actor levels of melodrama and stage fainting, whether onstage or not. this makes it hard to tell if her reactions to things are genuine or not unless u are her brothers or parents who have been dealing with this forever
since the acting career is not really taking off Yet she has maybe ripped off 1 or 2 or 20 or so people maybe more just to keep the lights on. ironically when shes conning people she can actually act convincingly (my leverage fans out there. you know)
some of you will probably ask about dugan and while i do absolutely love dugan personally in my mind marys not ready nor interested in motherhood. so. maybe some day i will reveal my own dt17 dugan origin concept idk
eider
something of a local folk hero due to both his truly legendary strength and his equally strong inclination to lend his neighbors a hand, or really anyone else who may need a little help for that matter
as exceptionally goofy and loving as you could want any dad to be, though he can also be a bit stern when he needs to be, and a little prideful
in my mind i think it would be very cool if he had moved his family into granny elvira’s farm to give her a hand bc while shes a tough old woman everyone still needs a hand from time to time but i dont know if this contradicts any serious duck lore so forgive me
lulubelle
full loon baby ! none of this “looks like every other member of clan mcduck” shit !!! yes this includes the blood red eyes #epicloonwin
many make the mistake to count her as an absent minded spooky insane woman but this could not be further from the truth. she is very sharp-witted, observant, and is only spooky simply because its pretty near impossible to creep or gross her out, and even harder to full-on scare. and also because she makes long uninterrupted eye contact all the time
fethry definitely inherited a lot from her, but one of the main things they share is the tendency to cycle through all kinds of seemingly unrelated hobbies and interests; but much like fethry’s chief passion seems to be marine biology, lulu greatly enjoys botany and all it’s practical applications, as well as music
#ducktales#dt17#ducktales 2017#fethry duck#abner duck#mary duck#eider duck#lulubelle loon#my art#continuing my niche of fethry and/or general fethry metaposting#that being said i am often charmed by the extended duck/mcduck family#and given that theres so little established information for most of them its just a fun exercise to think of how they might be adapted#and i just zero in on fethry bc hes my favorite and i miss him every day
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the usual
im mad because im trying to read books again, specifically trying to pick up toxic parents and body keeps the score again so i can try and Help Myself basically now that im back in the limbo of having no therapist. but trying to concentrate on shit and hunker down and learn things when i know it’s good for me i swear it’s like a flashbang goes off in my brain and everything just whites out. ‘concentrate’ isnt even the right word for it because it’s like i cant even begin to get started. it’s like staring into the sun to even begin to think about stuff i guess, it’s all so overwhelming. i want so much about my life to change, so much, so badly, so drastically, but so much of it just doesnt feel feasible that it’s like ive implanted this mental block in my brain to even dream of change because it’s too caustic.
that ‘autistic masking’ article about the boy who would build and paint his models at night then clean everything up so he left no trace of himself... i think about how much ive whittled myself down and have tried to take up very little space. how i dont play my music on speakers, dont draw anymore, basically only took up writing more because it was something that was between me and a notepad document and didnt take time the same way as drawing, and wasnt possible to immediately consume like a drawing (people grabbing my sketchbook and just flippantly turning the pages, skimming past drawings that took me hours in favor of minute long sketches, glancing at drawings that were supposed to express my deep feelings and having immediate reactions of disgust or ridicule)
i make kandi put it on a chain then put it away. it cant really go anywhere anyway, not like i’ll be attending raves again any time soon. i have no reason or place to wear my ‘fun clothes’ anymore. i wore what i thought was a cute outfit at christmas and even my immediate family had some shit to say about it. i wore a pair of stockings that ive had (and worn) since i was 14 years old. i wore them to my very first raver day at disneyland. and theyre surprised when i wear them now? like they havent seen them before????
even here i was about to say “i tire of myself” and close this window or hit post and stop here, but literally my blog is one of the only places i can actually express myself somewhere and send it out to a place where it’s seen. yeah i can write things down in my journal and ‘express myself’ there so that “personal stuff” isnt online but... i already do that. set up my models and paint them late at night, then put them away before anyone sees in the morning. djing only in my headphones at 4am, pulling them off periodically to make sure they arent too loud even through the headphones. lighting candles but opening the window so there isn’t “too much” scent.
if im autistic or have adhd or some combination of the two, then my whole family is too and all undiagnosed (save for maybe my dad. i think he’s the closest one of us to being ‘normal’). i took that blorbo quiz and it asked “How would they describe themselves?”
how would -i- describe myself? i dont know. people tell me im smart and funny. i think it’s because they cant think of anything nicer to say.
Part of me is still chasing the approval of all the world’s English teachers. Getting compliments on my writing makes me feel like my life matters. And I still struggle to ask for love and affection when a real, flesh and blood human is looking me in the face. It’s difficult for me to believe someone might care for me as an equal, and like things about me other than my intellect. I frequently have to remind myself I’m no longer a child, and don’t need approval of the “adults” anymore.
as long as im stuck living with my parents im going to perpetually be the child. it’s also really fucking frustrating knowing how ill prepared i am to live as an adult. even when i had a job i had to quit it so i didnt kill myself. i dont think just getting a job is the answer, though i know it’s a mandatory piece of the puzzle. ugh god
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on the whole idea of the boys when they're older interacting with kids, what if one day a kid comes in with his family who's like rly shy and timid, like not bc of abuse he's just rly shy and with his family who are perhaps quite boisterous and he's not and he gets quite anxious and there's a whole thing where the boys are able to bring him out of his shell ;~; like when he and his family are sitting down for a meal dean comes out with their food and makes him relax bc hes so good with kids. he comes down during the night bc he heard a noise and got scared and cas is down there cleaning up for the night and talks to him about nature to calm him down and the boy is like :)) and then the next morning he's outside and there's other kids who are playing with sam and he's off to the side but sam notices and is able to bring him into the play and he ends up making friends with the other kids, and then by the time the family have to leave the inn he's like smiling and happy and he turns to his parents and is like 'can we come back here soon :D' and it's this rly nice moment, maybe from his perspective so we get to see others reactions to the boys :))
ALSO AS I WAS WRITING THIS I HAD AN EPIPHANY WHAT IF THE BOY IS JACK. DOESN'T NEED TO BE BUT IT WORKS KINDA WELL!!
awwww this is so cute!!! Maybe this could be combined with the prompt about cas helping the family with an autistic child and helping the parents understand their kid better....like maybe the kid is autistic and so he has a hard time talking sometimes and is withdrawn bc of difficulty interacting with others. and dean is so good with kids, even if he can't spot right away that the kid is autistic like cas would be able to, he can tell when he comes out with the food that the kid is in distress. like he's like and here's yours sir :) to the kid (dean is very polite but he is calling the kid sir as a bit of a joke to make the kid smile) and the kid like doesnt look up and the parents are like oh sorry he's just shy. and dean is like oh. hmmm. cause the kid has like his fingers clenched in his tunic. when he comes back out he like crouches next to the kid to make him feel more comfortable and is like hey :) i'm dean :) and the kid doesnt look up or say anything and the parents r like sorry he gets like this idk why. jack look at the nice boy and introduce yourself. (i didnt watch the later seasons but from what i see on tumblr.edu the consensus is that jack is autistic so!) and dean is like no thats ok he doesnt have to look at me/talk to me. and then to jack he's like. u know i have a friend who doesn't always look at people or talk to them and we get along just fine. so i think me and jack are gonna get along great :) and then to jack he's like. you know. my friend and i dont always talk using our voices. sometimes we use our hands! (i guess this is post meeting eileen- i've said this on a different post but once dean cas and sam r introduced to the concept of sign language they adopt it immediately bc cas feels so much more comfortable communicating like that when he's having trouble w/ words) and jack is like ??! so turns towards dean w/o making eye contact, clearly intrigued. and dean is like :) wanna see? :) and jack nods. and dean shows him a few basic signs and jack mimics him. and one of the words is upset. and then once jack learns it, dean signs "you upset?" to him. ;~; and jack nods. and dean is like. wanna tell me what's up? maybe i can help! and then jack does the shy kid thing of indicating with body language that they dont wanna say what's wrong out loud, so dean leans in and jack whispers into his ear "loud." and dean is like oh! i see! we can fix that :) can i tell your parents what you just told me? and jack nods. so dean says to the parents (who r looking on in bemusement) its a bit loud in here for jack. mind if i take him outside for a minute? and the parents are like oh! sweetheart why didnt you tell us? (they arent bad parents they just dont get jack and its the middle ages so its not like there is info out there) and jack shrugs and the parents sort of helplessly shrug at each other, bc jack not verbalizing issues is a common problem for them. and they r like um its ok u dont have to take him outside we will take him. but do u mind bringing our food outside and stuff. like can we eat there. and dean is like of course no problem! and theyre like r u sure? im sorry that u have to go out of ur way for us, im sorry about our son, he can be. kinda fussy sometimes. and dean is like literally dont worry about it!
so then jack's parents take him outside and they all eat on the porch, and dean keeps popping back over to check on them. and jack is clearly much happier and starts to become much more verbal now that he's not overstimulated. still shy and quiet but much more smiley and every time dean brings them something he's very quietly like "thank you."
omg! maybe dean notices that he's not eating his food and so he's like do we want something else? and the parents r like omg no omg im sorry he's just so particular about what he likes omg the food is great jack pls eat ur food dont be rude. and dean is like he's not being rude at all he's a very polite young man :) id be happy to bring something else out. and the parents r like. well. if you're sure...he likes things that r like. boring. like really really boring. like plain porridge with nothing in it and stuff like that. and dean is like mashed potatoes? and the parents r like yes! and jack perks up. and so he brings that out for jack. and he brings it out and the parents r like omg omg thank u SO much for going so out of ur way for our weird kid even tho he still wont look at u at all. they dont say that part they're not assholes to jack, its implied tho and jack kinda curls into himself bc hes embarrassed about causing problems. and dean ofc notices and is like. u know. my friend who talks with his hands can be very particular too. he doesnt like the noise in the dining room either, and he also only likes certain foods. and jack perks up again :)
ahhh he keeps coming out to check on them and he's like hey how u doing? and!! oh no maybe dean also taught him the sign for happy and he signs "happy" at dean ;~:
to be clear- dean doesn't make the connection that jack LIKE like cas, as in he's autistic, at least not yet. like i think he WOULD if he had more time with him, but cas is the only autistic person he's ever met, and he just met jack. dean def just thinks he's very shy, but he's great with kids and can tell right away that jack is upset, and he shows him the signs not cause he realizes that jack is actually non-verbal in that moment but because he really doesnt care if the kid doesn't want to talk to him, he just wants to help. and he shows him the signs and stuff bc he wants the kid to tell him whats wrong, but kids wont tell strangers that if u just ask upfront, you have to gain their trust a little first ;~; and dean understands all of this instinctually bc he's great with kids so he manages to figure out whats wrong and solve the problem even without realizing that jack is autistic. ;~;
the person who figures out that jack is autistic is definitely cas!! jack comes down in the middle of the night maybe not cause he hears a noise, maybe he just cant sleep bc he hates his routine being disrupted and being in a new place ;~; and the sheets feel all wrong and everything smells wrong and everything is different and he hates it ;~; so he comes downstairs maybe be he's crying and he doesnt want to wake his parents up. and cas is downstairs cleaning up still, it's totally quiet tho now so there is no overstimulation. and cas is like oh! a tiny person!! uuhhh.... he def panics a little bc he's not good w people and he's not sure what to do with a random crying child. maybe he briefly considers waking dean up bc dean is good with kids and also maybe he saw dean talking to jack earlier. but then hes like no dean is tired i dont want to bother him ill try to deal with it. and hes like um. hello. um. my name is castiel i am the owner of this inn. um i guess u dont care about that. um. r u ok? and then the kid signs "upset" ;~; and cas is like oh! bc thats their signs! so he signs "what's wrong, why are you upset?" back even tho like it's just their home signs so how would this kid know them. but he signed "upset" so cas responds kinda on instinct. and the kid does not understand anything other than upset bc dean only showed him like 5 signs and he kinda already forgot the other ones. but it doesnt matter! bc those r hand words like dean was talking about and showing him! which must mean this is his friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking!! and jack is verbally like. r u dean's friend who doesnt like looking at people or talking. and cas is like um? yeah i guess? thats me. and jack is like ! i am very particular too! and bc he trusts dean and now by extension cas, and believes dean about cas being "particular" like him, he doesnt feel embarrassed about admitting what's wrong. and he spills his guts hes like everything is WRONG i dont like how anything feels or smells or tastes and everything is different from how it is at home and i HATE it and mom and dad says thats rude but i dont want to be rude but i cant sleep bc everything is all wrong!!! ;~; and he says all this not looking at cas and waving his hands around his head. and cas is like......................................................................oh. hm. i see. this is Me.
so he's just very empathetic and is like im really sorry i totally understand, you're not being rude, i also feel that way whenever we travel and i also am very selective about what i can touch and eat and stuff and am very sensitive to the physical environment. i know i cant fix it all but is there anything i can do to help you feel better? do u want to try some different blankets? and he takes jack to the linen closet and is extremely patient as he brings down each blanket and lets jack touch each one and decide which is the best. and it DOESNT solve everything but just having someone take him seriously and listen to him makes jack feel so much better and hes eventually able to go back to sleep ;~;
in the morning theyre outside, sam who's like 16 or whatever is chasing the kids around playing tickle monster. and jack's parents try to get him to go play with sam and the other kids but he doesnt want to he's too shy and anxious. and cas keeps staring at jack like :( bc he KNOWS but he doesnt know what to do about it. he brings it up with dean and dean is like OH. i see THATS what was going on with him he's like you! and cas is like yeah :( idk what to do about it...
sam sees jack hanging around with his parents on the side and he's like hey! do u want to come play? and jack is like................ and his parents r like sorry hes really shy. and sam is like thats ok! i have an idea, why dont we change the game and we can play hide and seek! (bc that doesnt require jack to jump in to interacting with a big crowd of kids) he's like :) i bet u can hide real well! :) and jack is like! :D and he nods bc hes like whoa i CAN hide really well! and they play hide and ofc sam is the seeker but when he finds the kids he always kinda turns it into man hunt cause he's like ah HA i got u!!! and he chases them around. and eventually he finds jack and hes like mwahahahaha now im gonna EAT you!!! and jack like screeches and giggles and bolts away and sam chases him and the other kids, and basically he like tricks jack into playing the exact same game they were playing before by like easing him into it by not making the start of the game require walking up to a crowd of ppl. but then once they r in the game he's ok just running around with the other kids :)
meanwhile dean and cas watch this and dean is like. do u want to talk to the parents. and cas is like. :/ i dont know how to do that. like how would we even start that conversation. and dean is like. i can help u :) so he does! he's like hey u remember i was talking about my friend to ur son the other day? this is he! u met him when u were checking in! ive noticed that he's like really really similar to ur son and has some of the same issues, and we were wondering if u wanted to talk about how cas deals with some of those things? and basically dean eases them into the conversation and makes it unintimidating for both parties. and cas teaches the parents all about the concept of sign language, and how going non-verbal is more than just being shy, and like they start describing situations in which jack was like Weird theyre like one time he started screaming and crying and rocking in public we didnt know what to do! and cas is like well where were u? what was going on? and like helps them identify the kinds of sensory things that probably trigger jack and stuff. and just like. its a good convo.
omg and cas is literate by this point and maybe the parents r too and hes like. if u ever wanna write to me and ask me about more shit and whatever pls dont hesitate. and then they DO and basically they help this family understand and raise their autistic son and its great!!! :D
anyway this is a VERY long response i definitely just outlined a mini-fic here.
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Spencer x Ghost?
Spencer x Ghost
(AAAAA- it has been months since you sent this to me, and all i can say is im so sorry) Side note I have my friend @lethalbreadkills helping me with this one!
For reference: Maddie (maddiefriendlovesbilly) is green, Jimmy (lethalbreadkills) is red (((its 4:30 at the time i have joined this so im dead braincell wise sorry yall))) and Orange is stuff we decided together :3
Also this is so very chaotic im so sorry for this anon but this has been in my fuckin drafts for SO LONG and this is the only way its getting finished (its now 5 am uwu) im so sorry for all the shitposting i do its a mess. I shouldnt have been allowed here. (we finished at about 5:30 am its hell <3)
Sphost? Ghencer?? Sphoster??? I adore and despise them all equally.
We have decided that it should be BeanieGhost
Anyway I think this ship is really cute
They’re both so neurotic I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue
One of them starts a rant on some topic and the other joins the hell in
I’m an advocate of LETTING SPENCER INFO DUMP BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT OKAY
And Ghost would let this dream come true???
I would die for both of them and if Spencer told me I had to die I wouldn’t even complain, no questions I’d just be like “Aight.” I trust him that much.
(Not sure I trust Ghost’s judgment enough to do that unquestioningly; sorry Ghost)
Back on topic
I can’t imagine these guys on anything that comes close to society’s definition of a date
It’d be more like “hey you wanna come on this hunt with us?” “maybe, depends if there’ll be snacks” or like chilling in Spence’s room binging the entire star trek: original series in one sitting or “oops sorry about that level 11 entity that attached to my soul and is now wreaking havoc in your house, wanna make out later to make up for it?” “Fine but you also have to play three rounds of Call of Duty with me afterward”
They wouldn’t be romantic often but like highkey? I can see them throwing themselves into the line of fire for each other with a recklessness only they could survive
We can’t forget that Spencer is a more than 60,000-year-old overpowered demon/god/entity/thing, which, yes, could throw a slight wrench in this ship for multiple reasons, but I choose to make angst out of it instead.
Side note: Ghost is a chronic conspiracy theorist (and you can’t tell me otherwise) and every once in awhile Spencer will offhandedly say something like “Y’know I helped the Egyptians build the pyramids” and Ghost just goes fucking feral.
Look, I’m not saying Spencer IS touch-starved and most likely has issues creating and developing relationships and therefore avoids interpersonal connection, especially offline, but I AM saying he is prime material for it. (thats a lie thats exactly what shes saying don’t believe it) (I’m projecting okay dont judge me) (loser imagine projecting)
Imagine with me for a second: Why does Spencer willingly stay with a family who locks him in their basement with only minor complaining? He’s a near all-powerful entity just released into the world for Spence’s-sake - If he wanted to, there’s no telling what havoc he could wreak! So why doesn’t he? Why would someone so powerful, so terrifying, so dangerous that a group of people decided to seal him away forever stay with the first family he finds in sub-par conditions for years - especially someone who’s seen to be as high-maintenance as Spencer? Let me hit you with a theory: He’s chasing the feelings of validation, safety, and love - no matter how rarely it’s shown - that a family can provide. Being socially isolated for even a few years can do a number to a person’s psyche (I should know, I’m projecting onto this character right now), let alone thousands.
Now maybe Ghost can’t match thousands of years in isolation, but damn if he doesn’t have a few years of crippling loneliness on his record too.
I can see the two of them learning how to be vulnerable around others together, emotionally and physically; learning how to open up and how to talk through issues; and some third point, because points are better in threes.
(May I suggest that these losers are both trans but thats just me adding in my own projection lmao)
(You absolutely may)
Imagine the conversation thats just “so i have a murderer in my head thats an ass” “rip to u ig sounds like a you problem :///”
imo spence has trouble expressing emotions other than like,,, annoyance and haughtiness, its like sort of his go-to defence, so showing Ghost his emotions is a big step for him
I hear you, and i say yes good. (found this one headcanon that i kinda live by where he was uh, either autistic or adhd i dont remember but theres that too) OH yeah that would be at thing huh. Spencer: *is emotionally vulnerable @ ghost* ghost: oh shit im trusted??? Oh fuck uh.
Yeah so like…. Ghost and spence showing emotion at eachother is kind of :flushed: ghost be like: whats an emotion. Imagine having emotions fuciiing loser hhaha,,,, *laughs nervously*
Ghost is also very emotionally distant with most people so it would probably be like “what??? The fuck?? Emotions?????? You have those???”
Ghost and Spencer be like *gay*
So another idea is that maybe Spencer realizes Ghost doesnt play any games [like the uncultured SWINE he is] and decides he must [remedy] this and so he introduces him to like, nintendo first. (some bitches thought that said nintendo fortnite. Im bitches) and theyre playing like, mario kart or smash or smth and Ghost gets really [fuckin into it]
Ghost and spencer: *literally in eachothers laps playing fucking wii tennis*
Spooker: what are the- *TOAST FUCKING SLAPS A HAND ACROSS HIS MOUTH* shut up you dont wanna know what happens when its mentsonssbfdjfsd (sorry i had a stroke uwuwuwuw)
(Theyre in denial we don’t judge in this house)
They will not hesitate to play dirty either, they will straight up push each other over and vaguely flirt
Ghost is losing and straight up fucking goes “ur hot” and spencer actually dies and boom ghost is the winner. sparkle emoji Magic sparkle emoji
“I am Not a HomoSexual:™:” “Yeah, sure you aren’t” “Screw off”
Pet-names-ish: Asshole, Gaymer-Boy, casual insults, Mr. Spirit Bitch, Mistake, Loves Ghosts More Than His Boyfriend What A Fucking Loser aka Gay-ass
Pros:
They both open up a lot most likely. Gain someone to trust since they’ve sort of been through the same things (though on much different scales)
I can see soft hours of hanging in each other’s bedrooms
Spencer is a tsundere you cant tell me otherwise youre just a coward if you disagree
So is Ghost so this can only go well
Every time Ghost has to solve a case at the Acachallas Spence is just peaking out from his basement like “the fuck is this?? Hot Man??????”
Enemies to lovers 500k (Gets Hot and Steamy :flushed: NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!11!!!!! 18+!!!!!!! GAY LOVE StORY!!!!!!) Lemonz!!! Made from teh Sexiest of Wattpaders UWUWUWU YAOI Boys Love don’t like don’t read!! (this is so fucking stupid jkfnd) I hate this with a passion Q^Q. All my years of being a basic watpad fanboy have helped me to the moment i bring maddie to tears
The steam is just like,,,,, holding hands and being angy all the fuckin time the steam is literal because their anger translates into actual steam
Cons:
Their angst has nowhere to go and it just sits between them like two raccoons at a dumpster-style mexican standoff
They really start off hating each other huh. Like, I know this can still lead to healthy relationships but neither of them are very good at healthy relationships with people he hasn’t known for his Whole Life so that’s an Oh No.
They totally feed off of each other’s stupidity (but this could be seen as a pro too so take that as you will) as well as anger - im talking one-upping each other kinda shit
Its ridiculous honestly how intense it gets, like they straight up need intervention sometimes because they dont realize they can just STOP
Conclusions:
I think this would be a relationship that would that a lot of time and hard work to make work, but i think in the end it would be really super cute!! Like it would make no fuckin sense to anyone else but somehow they’d understand each other and help each other through their similar issues. Also theyre both big nerds in different ways and i think they’d have just ranting sessions back and forth over and over and it would be soft!!!!! So yeah, i think it would work, at least, i want it to :D
So. Maybe?? I feel like it could, but they’d need to work pretty hard to make it healthy and not constant fighting. Could be stupid amounts of cute and wholesome but also could be stupid amounts of oh no and pain, depending on how the two act. If they learned how to get along with each other and work past their differences it could be super cute and soft. Just a very, er, bumpy beginning. And middle. And end. (this makes me very nervous,,,,why did you mention an end) (wouldnt you like to know weather boy) (TvT) UFDUNS bumpy but soft . Agreeing with the loser gay, want this to work it’d be interesting :3
#spencer x ghost#jess writes#ishhhhh???????#venturiantale#venturiantale pie#johnny ghost#spencer acachalla#johnny toast#jimmy casket#fred spooker#let me know if you enjoyed this or not it was intense#sr#ship review#ship reviews#vt ships#vt ship reviews#vt ship review#vt sr
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please dont reblog this
i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.
im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.
please dont reblog this
cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world
i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood.
i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.
ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now.
so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.
and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it.
and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.
i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would.
im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.
i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.
help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.
if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well
please dont reblog this!!
#childhood abuse tw#tw#tw alone in the world#suicide tw#please dont reblog this#no rb#homelessness tw
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Someone I know (around my mom's age) shared some dumb 'millenials cant read analog watches or cursive and dont know what a rotary phone is hahahaa' type jokes on Facebook and a friend of mine made her own post about how it was incorrect (because we grew up with those things???) and that's more gen z, but Also that even so, why does it matter, why do older people need to put down/make fun of kids? And this woman was like 'sorry but it was just a joke, and if it doesnt apply then it's not about you' and im so pissed
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Because yeah I cant fucking read an analog clock because I'm fucking dyscalculic/adhd/autistic and somewhere in there I was never able to really get it perfectly, I'm not Awful at it but its difficult! it's hard to process and translate analog into actual time, why not move along with the times and just use digital it's easier and it fucking makes sense. Why cling to the old like its somehow Better than new?! or do you abhor all technology that's meant to make your life easier? I doubt it!! But like this dumbass judgment that we're stupid and lazy and it's so funny, Haha. That hurts because it's another person saying to me that I should just. Magically not have a brain that cant process certain things easily. Im not dumb and im not any lazier than this older lady who thinks she knows everything. My brains just wired differently. So yeah it applies to me and some of us, but you really think there are no older people who couldnt/cant read analog clocks? Who do you think invented digital clocks and why do you think they did it, hmmm? Because perhaps analog is difficult for some people and digital takes less time out of everything else to parse? Hmmm? Anyway so yes im mad and bothered and upset and offended, maybe my friend isnt someone it applies to but maybe she is! And anyway that doesnt mean it's ok to joke about or put down those of us who can't. Or put down or make fun of the gen z kids for stuff that isnt their fault!
Also, if you notice young people who dont know how to read analog or cursive (which is also not needed really and thus probably not being taught anymore or used... and fyi ALL of my professors who took hand written assignments Insisted on print only, including my sharp witted 60 something year old art history prof who didnt miss a beat. He also wasnt afraid to call us out on shit, and he was my favorite professor tbh because I got amazing grades and he remembered me despite me not speaking up much at all in class. But anyway...) the point of that is to say, if you notice young people who dont know how to read either of those, before you make fun or them or put them down or sum them up as typical [whatevers] why not ask who didnt teach them how to do those things. What adult your age decided not to teach the kids how to read an analog watch? Who didnt tell the kids or grandkids or students about what a typewriter is or how a rotary phone worked. If your kid or student doesnt know something you know, that's on the adults in their life, not on them. Dont laugh about how millenials dont know what a rotary phone is, or use a kid not knowing what that is as an excuse to put them down because you feel like all the technology you knew is going away and being forgotten and it makes you anxious that you too will be forgotten. Teach the kids. Ask them if they know about x or know how to do x, and then show them, teach them, tell them about your old phone, or your first clunky portable phone with its giant antenna, or about how you learned how to write in cursive. Make them interested in these things by sharing your knowledge with them. Theyll remember you better that way, and theyll know about all the things you dont want to leave behind. Dont judge them for not knowing something as if they should just know it magically, look at yourself and at other adults and realize that if we or the younger people dont know something you know, that's on YOU.
That's different from bring concerned about kids not learning how to type or use a laptop/mouse/etc. Those things arent out of use yet and these kids are going to have to use them at some point. But it's not an excuse to make fun of them, not for anyone to do that. If you notice your nephew or niece or younger sibling doesnt know a thing about typing on a real keyboard (and not on a tablet) why not offer? Find a typing game or make a game out of writing a story on your laptop on docs or word with them.
If you, older lady on Facebook, think kids should know how to read cursive, suggest it be taught, or teach it to the kids you know! You can write letters in cursive to your grandkids, and help them (or suggest their parents help them) to parse the flowing script, or you can start slower and show them how cool it can be to write in cursive and how to do it. They may not need it, but knowledge is always worth having. And it can be fun to learn things, especially stuff you're not going to be graded on. It can become you and your grandkids' special thing writing cursive letters about whatever, the weather, their pokemon cards, the cool bird they saw.... teach them about a rotary phone, my grandma used to have one for me and my sisters and cousins to play pretend with. I learned cursive in school. I didnt learn how to bake or cook or sew or embroider but I want to learn all of it. Typewriters are cool and aesthetic tbh but difficult to work with, and a computer is far more efficient. Its only logical that things become obsolete with time. Analog clocks are difficult to read for many people afaik, digital clocks are very simple to understand, and efficient time wise because you just need to glance at one to know that you have to leave Now to be on time...or that you've been reading too long and its 3am. Oops.
Anyway I wanted to just be like, if we (or more accurately, the gen z kids) dont know something like how to read cursive, perhaps the fault lies with the adults and the bot at all with us/the children??? Also other people can be upset with a joke that's in bad taste.
I also want to comment to her that I cant read analog clocks because my brain has a hard time processing it in spite of my efforts, and I dont appreciate being the butt of a joke that is either implying we're dumb and lazy, or is hiding an insecurity over obsolete technology being left behind
But I also have to see this woman at shul sometimes and it would be awkward (but satisfying). Especially if ma saw it and got involved because this lady is her friend, it would just be very awkward. But this lady is being judgemental and made a half assed apology.
Also there was another lady on the friend's post who is also older who originally agreed that ita unfair to put us/the kids down like that and uncalled for as well, but then someone else younger mentioned that older people will joke about us not knowing this older tech and then come to us for help with a pdf. And it was a snarky way t ok point out the hypocrisy - the older people being in the wrong for their attitude towards us firat!!! - and that lady commented on his reply saying that she can open pdfs and respect is a two way street or something like that and im so baffled how she went from being on our side (being reasonable and logical) to nasty defensive asshole over a much softer and also very deserved joke! Which was not aimed at her because she was on our side, it was very clearly aimed at the old people who think we're all useless layabout idiots or whatever. But she still got defensive for no reason! And the whole respect thing like??? Older person was disrespectful, so this guy made a little joke at the expense of those shitty older people, is basically told old people dont respect us because we dont respect them.......because one kid made a joke after being disrespected. Sure, that makes total sense! Yeah!
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hey, vaccinate your kids you jerks!!!
thanks for coming to my essay! now that i have your attention, i think we should stop talking about anti-vaxxers like theyre all backwards hyper-religious dumbasses. like, im frustrated too, and i agree that "personal/religious reasons" should not allow someone to keep their kids unvaccinated. furthermore, as an autistic person, i despise the myth that vaccines cause autism. i especially hate that it scares people into avoiding vaccines, because theres nothing wrong with me.
but ridiculing these people will only make the problem worse, and here's why: i think that a lot of anti-vaxxers and their communities are used to feeling like the most important aspects of their cultural identities are universally mocked or demonised (im not qualified to say whether these feelings reflect reality in every case, but either way im just talking about feelings, ie, what people think we believe about their culture). for instance, my only knowledge of amish people comes from jokes ive seen others make about them. yes, none of these jokes were very serious, and its easy for me to laugh at them because im not amish, but despite my low empathy i can understand that it just feels bad to hear a whole bunch of jokes about something important to you. i'll get back to this point in a moment.
anyway, i bring up the amish because in 2014, there were measles outbreaks in some amish communities in Ohio. and i think that a lot of the people who dont vaccinate their kids are used to being ridiculed for their "weird" or "new age" or "hyper-religious" or "unchristian" lifestyles, so they just see our concern as more of that mockery. we all sound the same to them, and cant you see why?
"ughh all these people ignoring science and being stubborn about vaccines because their church said--" you sound like one of those atheists. if you cant say anything productive, please stay out of the discussion. why do you act like ridiculing people will change their minds? we should be reaching out, instead.
we need to make the effort to approach anti-vaxxers in a way that distinguishes us from those who only converse with them to mock them.
i want more people to understand that the best way to change someone's mind when they're defensive is by listening. you need to be willing to accept whatever they might rant about, and respect that, even if their fears seem ridiculous, even if their fears are rooted in ableism, their fears still terrify them. thats why theyre called fears. you can validate someone's feelings of anxiety and confusion without validating their bigotry, and you must be willing to accept that this is work. this is difficult. it's much, much harder than yelling your opinions. it's exhausting, and sometimes it doesn't even pay off. sometimes you just can't convince somebody, and you have to be able to accept that.
if this seems too hard for you, i have good news: you do not have to do it. this kind of thing is not for everyone, and it's okay if you just don't want to. this doesn't have to be your responsibility.
i only ask that you stop making things worse by (performatively, in the case of yall who arent in danger of dying/losing a loved one to a preventable disease) mocking anti-vaxxers, because we are the ones who need something from them. we are asking them to face their fears (which were sometimes instilled in them very early in their childhood) for the good of humanity. i don't know about all of you, but i'd be hesitant at best to face even my third worst fear (spiders) for the sake of strangers who regularly mock my culture and heritage, and i know for a fact that most spiders cannot harm me!
this is natural. this is human. it is easy to dismiss things you dont understand, and it's even easier to dismiss them when all the scientific evidence agrees with you. however, your evidence does not make these people's experiences and fears less real for them. it does not lessen the effect their fear has on their choices. knowing that a tarantula won't hurt me if i follow certain guidelines will not stop me from shaking and having a breakdown if i think too hard about touching one. knowing that nothing bad would happen doesn't motivate me to go over to the science building at my college and ask to hold their fucking tarantula.
there are no shortcuts here. if we want anti-vaxxers to accept vaccines and stop putting so much effort towards keeping their children unvaccinated, we have to convince them that they don't need to be afraid of vaccines. we need to actually address their concerns. telling them their fears are ridiculous is just not convincing no matter how much scientific evidence you have. this discussion has become too performative. people just tell anti-vaxxers to vaccinate their kids, and they dont bother to address the fear that motivates their opponents. they don't care that they're asking people to trust a yelling internet stranger with their child's health.
it is inconsiderate to demand things from people without stopping to think about what you're asking for. please think about it from their point of view. if vaccines were dangerous, and they vaccinated their kids, then anything bad that happened to their kids due to the vaccines would be their responsibility. and remember, these people have not been given a convincing reason to believe vaccines are harmless. okay? they do not want to be at fault for their children getting hurt. yes, they are wrong. yes, they are frustrating. yes, they are endangering immunocompromised people like my dad, but there is a huge difference between being malicious and being misguided. please do not treat them like they set out to hurt you.
also? stop telling them to care about other people when you don't care enough about them to respect that they're doing their best with the resources they have. stop saying "i dont know how to explain to you that you should care about other people" when you really just want them to magically stop being scared. maybe you say it out of genuine frustration and bewilderment, but when everyone is saying it, it comes across like a smug 'gotcha!' phrase that excuses you from spending more energy on the debate. you can just say youre tired and stop.
i am trying to explain to you that you should care that these people have felt scammed/hurt by the medical industry enough times that they feel justified in risking the health of their whole family (assuming they even think vaccines work). you should care that theyve never been given a convincing reason to trust remedies promoted by rich strangers who make claims that sound too good to be true. the government has promoted harmful things to underprivileged people before, like milk (it took me a half hour to sift through unrelated stuff about soy milk to confirm this, so i'll go ahead and link my source). it is logical to mistrust an industry that operates for the profit of people youve never met. not everyone trusts the FDA to keep the pharmaceutical industry in check, and it's actually pretty smart to rely on direct accounts from people you know personally when you aren't sure how well something actually works, and you dont trust the ones selling it to you.
with that in mind, talking to people is probably the best way to tackle this issue, but many of you haven't bothered to compile introductory information about vaccines. you havent bothered to present these resources in a way that doesn't ridicule people who are scared. i am trying to explain to you that you shouldn't debate with people if you won't treat them like humans. i am trying to explain to you that "you dont actually care about others" is a hurtful and manipulative sentiment, and when you say it to people who are trying their best, you become part of the problem. you reinforce their mistrust. i am trying to explain to you that trusting doctors doesnt make you morally superior.
put yourself in their shoes for a moment. imagine that someone comes up to you and makes it clear that they think the choices you've made as a parent are ridiculous. they make claims about your child without offering proof, or the only proof they offer also mocks you and people like you (or they just tell you to "google it"). furthermore, they tell you that unless you give in, something bad will happen to their own children, and it will be your fault.
this is manipulative. even if you are correct, it is manipulative. demanding that someone treat their child in a way that they consider harmful is just ridiculous and i don't know why you expect people to listen to you. do you expect this to be easy? do you honestly believe that if someone isn't converted within minutes, they're just being stubborn? do you think these people know the truth, and only persist out of spite?
these questions are necessary, because many of you talk about anti-vaxxers as though the answer is 'yes.' there is a difference between being correct and treating people right. please be more aware of that line in the future, and do your best not to cross it.
oh, and by the way, if i see any of you using this year's measles outbreaks as an excuse to be hateful towards jewish people, i will block and report you. antivaxxers usually arent malicious, and if you perceive orthodox jewish antivaxxers as being worse than other antivaxxers, you need to rethink your beliefs. they arent rejecting vaccines just to hurt you. maybe theyre tired of being demonised and blamed for everything from climate change to unemployment to dead kids*, and theyre unwilling to trust random people with something as important as the health of their children when a lot of us have never bothered to listen to their struggles. (* ive seen a whole lot of people saying things that border on blood libel without quite involving blood during these discussions, so can we all agree to be careful not to do anything that resembles that shit now that ive provided a handy link about what it is? thanks)
lastly, all of this criticism of anti-anti-vaxxers is very easy for me to say because i have less of a personal stake in the issue. i know it must hurt in a way i can't currently understand to lose someone to a preventable disease. if i have made anyone feel dismissed or invalidated in this essay post, i'm sorry for doing so, and i want to make it clear that it is okay if you hate anti-vaxxers. i know their fear has hurt you, and i wouldn't ask you to pretend otherwise. i dont want to make any of you feel like you shouldn't talk about your experiences and fears. i'm just asking that, before you hit the post button, you read through your post and edit out anything manipulative or guilt-trippy. your contributions to this conversation are valuable, and i want the people youre trying to convince to be able to read them without feeling like they have to defend themselves instead of listening to you. the culture around this debate has become almost hostile, and while we dont all need to work directly with anti-vaxxers to make it better, we do all need to agree to stop making it worse.
#vaccinate your kids#vaccines#anti vax memes#anti vaxxers#measles#this is almost 2000 words long jfhf#im exhausted#how did it come to this
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questions for neurodivergent folks ( from @shitborderlinesdo )
post here!
if ur autistic:
1. do you stim?
yes, sometimes! i’ve suppressed a lot of it over time but i still do some subtly.
if so, what are yr favourite stims?
touching/tapping the tips of my fingers together, stroking soft patches of skin(esp backs of my hands, wrists, or parts of my thighs, hips, ankles), cracking knuckles, stretching fingers/feet/arms/legs rly far, rapid blinking(though i also have a tic involving blinking which is similar, but involuntary), bubble wrap,flicking light switches/door lock mechanisms, bouncing on toes, toewalking, chewing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(esp pens/pen caps and similar textures), biting, mouthing/lipping things, clacking my teeth lightly, whistling, leg jiggle sometimes, jumping, skipping, hopping, and a few other rly specific things (like involving swimming, or being on something and hanging so im upside down and stuff)
2. happy stims? chewing, biting, skin stroking, finger tapping, skipping, hopping, jumping
3. negative stims? snapping fingers, “hiccuping” (it’s a little giggle/hiccup type thing i do, but idk what to call it), teeth clacking, leg jiggle, exposing too long to extreme cold temps, hitting head against things
4. favourite textures? idk how to explain the soft-smooth i like; silk usually looks like it should feel like this, but it doesn't. also when people talk about “plush velvet” the texture that comes to mind is good, like a really nice stuffed animal or a cavalier king charles spaniel with super soft fur, but real velvet feels bad lol. also just most fur in general, esp rabbit, cat, certain dogs. some wing or chest feathers on birds like doves. milk weed fluff. soft, squishy, fuzzy caterpillars(not the bristly guard hair ones. more like forest tent caterpillars), moon jellies, soft leather/suede, really smooth grey granite, polished shiny pink granite, lambs ear/mullein
5. least favourite textures? some types of linen are VERY BAD but idk what they are, they’re like stiff and scratchy and feel super cold? gummy bears, ew. really hard chocolate in cold ice cream, a lot of faux furs, like so many, most (sheep)wool, scallops, often times chinchilla fur feels bad, most velvet, esp crushed velvet, potato sacks, a lot of plastic bags/thin plastic film
6. what's a pet peeve of urs involving a specific sound? squeaky plastic is the worst, esp from plastic wrap. teeth grinding/bruxing is bad, hearing people having sex in another room/apt, heavy footsteps/stomping, esp when fast like running, door slamming, when people slam their hands on a table because they just thought of something, the sound quality of like...having water in your ears/popped ear drums, where everything feels muffled and almost whispery/far away, but also REALLY LOUD AND CLOSE...
7. a specific sound that makes you Really Happy? al snoring softly like a cat, my cat snoring, cats purring, crackling fires, wind whistling, waves lapping, thunder rumbling, THUNDER CRACKING, wood creaking in a strong wind, that soft snuffling of cat/dog noses, the sound of rodents digging in bedding or eating millet, angel caller bells(bola, fairy callers, whatever you call them)
8. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)? about 6 years ago what has changed with the diagnosis? i dont hate myself for as much of my behaviours/thinking/speech patterns. im slowly trying to let myself let go of “survival mode” NT behaviours i was forced to learn
9. are there any behaviours you have that, prior to diagnosis, didnt make much sense, but now they do? too many to list lmao
10. what kind of representation would you like to see of autistic ppl in media? girls, trans folks, autistics of colour, just less cis white boy perfect example savants. autistics with “atypical” autistic symptoms. autistics with ugly meltdowns and other unpleasant symptoms. autistics who are messy eaters, who can’t dress themselves, who struggle with everyday tasks and self care. autistics with “useless” special interests that cant be reworked to make them more productive genius types. LOUD autistics.
if ur mentally ill:
11.when were you diagnosed (self or professional)?
6 yrs old or younger
12. what is your diagnosis/are your diagnoses?
BPD, (various types of)depression, DPD/social anxiety(when i’m alone)/agoraphobia, panic disorder NOS, mood disorder NOS, DID, ADD/ADHD-PI, ASD, gender dysphoria at one point, conduct disorder or whatever it was called. IED. all i can think of. all diagnosed professionally over the years, though ASD is not on any official records because i asked it to be left off to avoid that specific abuse/stigma.
13. is the community youve found with other mentally ill ppl helpful?
mostly no. but in some ways, yes. i appreciate having more access to info, hearing relatable stories, common symptoms/experiences that help me understand things better, etc. close friends with illnesses/disorders are nice, but mostly i know them for other reasons outside of diagnoses.
14. do you find it challenging to tell ppl yr mentally ill?
absolutely
15. what are the most effective coping mechanisms youve found?
im not sure. i just...cope? somehow? not always effectively, but idk.
16. have you ever been to therapy?
ya
if yes, what helped and what didnt help?
i hate group therapy. in individual therapy, i like having my husband sit in on the sessions for support. therapist NEEDS to prompt me and ask active and specific questions. setting clear goals with clear steps helps. a lot of more “creative” methods actually are super unhelpful for me.
17. do "find your happy place" exercises help you or no?
sort of? i don’t try them much. usually they make me sadder that im not there.
18. what are some of the most Tiresome Cliches ppl tell you to deal with yr mental illness (i.e., "just do yoga!")?
“everyone gets depressed”, “yoga”, “fresh air, sunlight, and exercise!”, “essential oils”, “meditation”, “_______ diet/supplement”, “mind over matter”, “lose some weight” (THIS DOES NOT MEAN NONE OF THESE CAN BE HELPFUL AND I DO WANT TO DO SOME OF THESE THINGS, BUT STATING THE OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT AND BEING CONDESCENDING IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING)
19. what books / movies have really helped u?
none in this regard
20. what kind of representation would u like to see of mentally ill ppl in media?
idk. better. sympathetic without condescentding, infantilising, or demonising. sympathetic recovery stories, showing a happy ending, but not some “theyre cured” BS
if ur chronically ill:
21. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)?
asthma - like 4 yrs old, tendonitis - like 13 yrs old, unspecified pain/inflammation - 2019 professionally (like 2011 ish on my own, but really it started when i was ~13), nocturnal epilepsy - not done with diagnosis process/testing as of july 2019, a few chronic infections that don’t affect me any more were diagnosed when i was a kid, idk
22. do you find the support system with other similarly affected ppl to be helpful?
i’ve not been involved much, tried it out, really
23. what do you struggle w most on a daily basis?
pain/inflammation/stiffness in joints, back, neck, shoulders, feet
24. what helps you most?
i wanna say sleep, but it actually makes everything worse so, new diet(anti inflammation), making goals/plans, spirituality, going to healing places like the woods or by the sea or mountains, massage, soft comforting petting from my husband
25. what do you want to tell able-bodied and neurotypical ppl in regards to chronic illness?
it’s not the same. yeah maybe “everyone has back pain”, but my pain and your pain are different; they happen for different reasons and they affect us in different ways. if everyone is in pain we should do something to make life easier for everyone, not dismiss people who are suffering.
26. how do u keep your strength on a daily basis? i dont
27. if yr family supportive?
mostly yeah?
if not, who do you find the most strength and support in, outside of yourself?
my husband, regardless
28. what kind of representation would you like to see of chronically ill ppl in media?
show me people who find creative, easy, free/cheap ways to be comfortable/improve symptoms. do not fucking cure them to make them happy. let them be happy and comfortable by finding new ways to do things, no by erasing their obstacles.
if u have bpd:
29. when were u diagnosed (self or professionally)?
2014, i think? though it was suggested by a therapist in like 2008 or 2009
30. do you think the support system in the community is helpful?
no
31. what are some of the ways you keep yrself grounded and remind yrself to Take a Step Back when bad feelings get in the way of rational thinking?
remind myself other people have autonomy, think about how i would feel if someone reacted to things i was doing the way my brain wants to impulsively react to them, talk talk talk, find something else to do as distraction
32. coping skills?
idfk what they are, they’re just there. usually.
33. how do u keep yrself in check when impulsive mood swings come around?
uh, mostly i covered this in 31. gotta reset focus on something else, find distraction that produces different emotions until mood passes
34. what skills do you use to remind yourself that you are loved?
husband. doesnt always work, but mostly.
35. who has been the most supportive of u?
husband.
36. how has your diagnosis changed the way you view yrself and yr interactions w other ppl?
more mindful of others feelings and needs, esp my mum with BPD
37. what kind of representation would you like to see of ppl w bpd in media?
not fucking abusive/manipulative or miserable. let us struggle but have great supports and practice effective coping skills so we can build stronger relationship bonds and enjoy socializing and/or things that are personally important
all ppl:
38. how do you deal w ableism that comes at you from all directions?
laugh about it with my friends i guess?
39. who in your life is the most supportive of u and yr recovery?
husband
40. who are some people on tumblr who have really helped u in yr journey?
well, i met cieran here. alice has been a good influence. there’s a few of you for sure, though maybe not all specifically for these sorts of things.
41. best coping skills?
i dont know
42. most irritating Ableist Cliches ppl use to tell u yr not good enough?
infantilizing me(comparing me to a child), mocking my productivity/commercial success, “daddy issues”, trying to gaslight me into thinking i’ve been abusive because we disagree on something/i pointed out something they dont like
43. best most supportive thing anyone's said to you?
“i want to be like you when i grow up”
44. songs for Happy Times?
counting stars, gooey, just about anything by MIKA, most “meme” songs
45. songs for Not-Happy Times?
a lot of hozier, bastille, of monsters and men, rage against the machine, flobots
46. non-triggering movies that discuss mental illness?
im not sure, i know there are some i love that i could list, but none are coming to mind. not a movie but: moomin and most ghibli media, esp kiki’s delivery service.
#long post#mental health#actuallyautistic#chronic illness#borderline personality disorder#about me#idk#shitborderlinesdo
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Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory
* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.
* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!
* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.
* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.
* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"
* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!
* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?
* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..
* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!
* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!
* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well
* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)
* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)
* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*
* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!
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Hi. Sorry if this get long, thats why Im using submit. So my family and I never thought of me being autistic but since Ive discovered blogs like yours I can relate so much. Im a picky eater, love vegetables like beetroot and carrot but if they are cooked or grated I cant stand it. Idek how to describe, they get kinda “watery” and soft and it grosses me out? Things like jelly and yogurt gross me out too, even if I enjoy the taste I cant stand how it feels in my mouth. Im vegetarian, but got a similar problem with some kinds of fake meat cause I cant stand the texture. My parents always dismissed that as me being picky but it wasnt a big deal, since I used to cook my own food even when I still lived with em.
And I guess I stim? I rotate things like pencils and pens between my fingers, and bite stuff whenever Im feeling anxious or nervous or bored. I actually had to learn to control the biting stuff cause it was affecting my teeth but again, my dad is a dentist so he “trained” this behavior out of me when I was younger so even though I still do it a lot, it doesnt get me severe health problems.
And Im not sure if it counts as a special interest, but I have kinda obsession with movies and books. Sometimes I start a book and dont put it down till I finish and I easily go with hours of reading. Like reading the book in classes and skipping lunch and reading all afternoon and getting something to eat when Im really hungry and eating while still reading the book and not sleeping so I can read more. So since I was a kid I would end huge books in less than a day. Sometimes it happens with other stuff, like I get obsessed with one topic - Wong Kar Wai, movies about bullying, or Freud, and I do research and learn everything I can. Once I got really into a movie the day it was released and it hadnt any subtitles yet so none of my friends could watch it (english is not our language). I sat there and did the subtitles myself in a matter of hours to show it to my friends, so they would discuss the movie with me. I rarely forget the things I learn during these phases and my friends say Im like a encyclopedia of weird culture, but I never got much trouble for it. Yea sure people usually go with “WHY do you even know this stuff” but in a impressed way, you know? I went to the university to study communication and media, and in a lot of classes we can choose the topic to our articles and essays, so I usually combine my interests with academic research.
But I have problems in other aspects of life, I guess? I cant stand an office job so Im working as freelancer right now. Also I have a real hard time with empathy and communicating emotions so I never really had a relationship (Im 24yo). Im pretty social but after I usually need quiet alone time in a silent room, lights out. Like, I enjoy when friends come to visit for holidays or a weekend or maybe a whole week, but after they are gone I need a couple “no human contact” days before getting back to normal life.
Maybe those are things allistic people do too, in some degree? Although I think about the fact that autism is usually better diagnosed in white boys and since I dont fit the category… I dont know. But blogs like yours do help a lot. Like Im thinking about getting one of those chewable jewelry stuff, and Im more comfortable telling people that I cant do stuff cause I really need to spent the day alone and not see other people. And letting they know how important my interests are to me, and they need to respect that. Ok I dont really have a point with this I just needed to elaborate those feelings and thank you for everything you guys do. Despise not having a diagnosis, people like you have been helping deal with a lot of stuff, and to better understand myself, and it really is making my life better.
Glad to help!!
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2017
wow. okay. when I said 2016 fuck me up I didnt mean literally.
but god damn, once again I’ve rung in the new year heartbroken as can be, but wait there’s more. I fell in love with someone. he’s somehow worse than the last guy and hell I love him a thousand times more.
I’ve dealt with so much shit this year. I’m in a relationship with a drug addict. I didnt know it until about 3 months ago. I mean I knew, but I didnt know.
He asked me to marry him literally the 3rd day we spent together. no I didnt say yes, but apparently I did because now hes calling me his fiance n shit. I ‘lost’ my virginity to this guy. It sounds fucked up but it isnt as bad as it seems. or maybe it is and I still have a long way to go before I figure it all out.
I think I really love him. I think he really loves me. But people keep telling me he’s going to love those little crystals more.
I’ve seen some shit. My humdrum life has done a fucking tail spin in the last 6 months. I went from a full tank of gas and watching netflix all day to $1.43 in my bank account and needles hidden in the dresser drawers.
I’ve seen junkies, I’ve had shit stolen. I’ve watched him physically and mentally change without even noticing.
I’ve been choked and pushed and bruised and screamed at. I’ve done the same things back in a rage I didnt know I was capable of.
I’ve heard stories from child hood that make no sense but make perfect sense and I know I cant change the past but I’d very much like to.
I smoked weed and that shit was great at first but now its the only way I cant really talk to you, it seems. you told me that wasnt it but trust me. i’m too afraid to tell you the truth when we’re not...chill.
I’ve cried and screamed and walked away. I’ve waited hours upon hours for you to call. I havent slept and I’ve slept too much. I had a real panic attack for the first time in my life.
I’ve sat in the ER with you for 6+ hours after you crashed your car from being on adderall. I watched you literally mentally and physically break down in the pizza hut parking lot while normal fucking people watched and wondered what the fuck they could do for you and I just sat there next to you counting change from your pockets because you lost the receipts.
im sorry. i lost them somehow. who fucking knows. i’ll take the blame for it though if thats what I have to do.
i walked across train tracks wondering if maybe my foot my get caught while you told me you were addicted to sex and of course I should have already known this but surprise I didnt. its still my fault though.
we missed trick or treat with your daughter because you were on acid.
then the other day you brought her to my house and slept the whole time. you said what does it matter my parents see me taking her out of the house. well what the fuck do you care right. if you’re playing the part of dad. you son of a bitch. i love that girl and I know you do too but you better try harder. you better or you’ll lose faster if you have her.
I’ve seen you coming down down down. with a knife in your hands and the doors locked and the lights off. I’ve watched cops drive by thinking you were already dead.
I’ve had the best sexual experiences with you and only you. I got drunk and gave you a blow job after knowing I’d never have a dick in my precious mouth.
you called me perfectly imperfect for a while, now that i’ve lost my innocence you call me your miracle. these days I feel like a burden. enabler is the word i’m trying not to say because I know its the truth. but i didnt know. i swear i didnt.
and not in the fucking physical sense. i’m not giving him money or anything like that. im stressing him the fuck out. BUT FUCK HE NEVER MAKES ANY SENSE. and im stressed out too. doesnt anybody see that?
everybody knows him like I know him now. a fucking mind fuck. this little twat can turn a sentence around on you so quick you’re wondering what you even said in the first place. this mother fucker can have you so god damn confused you’re rethinking your whole life.
he does it on purpose. I think so he feels more normal on the inside. the only question I have is, was it the meth that brought it out of him or was it destined to come out eventually on its own. the crazy will never subside and I must admit that’s what somehow attracts me to him.
feeling like a complete dumbass after every conversation we have. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS. he’ll say, like I already knew it. and then i’ll realize I did already know it. he was telling me all along, but in his own way. like a secret language. and I cant fucking afford the rosetta stone for crazy talk.
half the relationship i spend KNOWING this shit isnt right for me and here i am thinking i have to do this i have to do this but i still dont know what love is. its breaking the god damn futton i know.
there’s no doubt about what i feel but really is it worth it. will he kill me. will i kill him. ive done things i never thought i would do. ive seen things i never thought i would see. the world is my fucking oyster over here. anything is possible. anything can happen. anything.
regardless, here I am. alone and wondering what hes doing. if he’s okay. a thousand and one fucking questions because he doesnt have a phone for me to call. and somehow now it feels like its my fault. it is my fucking fault and im crying a lot right now because of it. and im alone. so he can calm down. but i cant calm down without him. i need him. i need him. I NEED HIM. and im going insane worrying and wondering and crying and feeling okay for a little while.
now im just mad because hes okay without me. hes okay. and im not okay. it isnt fair. FUCK YOU. it isnt fair. do you even love me? DO YOU EVEN CARE. DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME. duh.
WHY DID I QUIT MY FUCKING JOB. I had what I needed. besides clarity and sanity so fuck, you cant blame me. hes been driving me insane since he spotted me.
but I know he fucking loves me. crazy people dont fuck around with shit like that. if they mean it they mean it. i feel it. I know it. I love it. its the only thing I understand ever. is my love for him. is it true. is it real. who fucking cares. its real and its ever present and its mostly reciprocated in good and bad ways. if i could walk away from it i already would have . i swear. i already would have but i havent so get off my fucking back.
but love is hard they tell me. love is fucking hard as hell and you’ve got to suffer before you can enjoy that shit, otherwise its not worth it. I realize this is too long and i’m not gonna reread it so nobody else is probably going to read it. thats okay. i needed to get it down on ‘paper’ just in case.
god just fucking pray for me or something. every time I feel like something is going to get worse it does okay. I had people burning up spoons in the trailer we were supposed to live in just to shoot up heroin and I was too busy making sure my boyfriend wasnt killing himself in a shed to realize.
old dude (thats what they call people in fairdale) literally over dosed in the bed that was supposed to be mine. in the bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I cant say anything about it? I CANT SAY ONE GOD DAMN WORD ABOUT IT?
nah because bf is too nice to people who ‘care’ to realize what they’re really doing in the big picture. she put her clothes in the closet that was supposed to be mine. mine. FUCKING MINE. but i cant be mad because shes homeless and has cancer. what a fucking lifetime movie. I DIDNT NEED THIS TO KNOW I WAS A SELFISH PERSON. I ALREADY KNEW. I’M GOOD AT HIDING IT. I WANT MY CLOSET SPACE BACK. I see drug abuse and friendship and something strikes me as sketchy. OMG. and dont get me started on the cheating.
he cheats on me. he puts his dick inside his best friend while they’re fucked up on whatever. they tell me she says no everytime he asks but this time she didnt. oh wow. what a perfect picture of a life im stuck in. what a romantic gesture. WHAT A FUCKING ROMANTIC COMEDY OF LIFE. i can keep my perfect pussy to myself and he cant go one fucking day without trying to put his dick in something. I WILL BUY YOU A FUCKING GRAPEFRUIT TO FUCK IF THAT WILL KEEP YOUR DICK OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE.
he says hes taking a shit when he goes over there but he takes a shit every time and they’re long shits. idk if its to fuck or whatever but its for sure about drugs. drugs that tear people apart and keep the glued together and they’re fucking ripped seams. god this sounds like fucking trash and it is. it literally is. and I know it but I cant do a damn thing about it because I love this trash. hes not trash. but he acts like it.
I know he’s not trash because somehow he has it all figured out. its like his autistic niche is seeing into the future and knowing for god damn sure that something is going to turn out the way it is but he wont fucking tell me. just straight up tell me the truth.
naaaah. that’d be too logical. he’d rather tell me the alternative lie. to keep me safe. HA. OKAY FROM WHAT. my life is so fucked up now.
needless to say 2016 has royally fucked me up. there’s probably a shit ton of stuff I forgot to mention and I should of because this is my collective fuck up recap but oh well. its not the last of it anyway. I know that for damn sure.
I just hope that when we get married or whatever the fuck next big thing happens in our lives. I hope it balances out the bad shit. because the bad shit is getting really hard to deal with. like really hard. like my hands are shaking sometimes hard and i feel like i cant kill myself because even in death i’d be worried about you and its nobodys fault but its our fault.
I know it is. he’s not even supposed to be in a relationship right now and what does this fucker do. he falls in love. true love with an innocent girl who has no idea what shes about to fucking go through. god damn. somebody help me. somebody really help me. I know I will always love him. more than the other mother fuckers I thought I cared about. I will fucking love him.
I FUCKING LOVE HIM. it makes me angry how much i love him. because it hurts me. a lot. but I wont stop. I cant. i wont. i never will. even if he stops loving me. i dont see how. but if he did. i’d still be calling and showing up and waiting outside and peeping in windows like a fucking nutcase. its my fucking ride or die. even if we broke up and i met someone else. god its not gonna be like this. it might be better. it might be a fucking dream. it might be date nights and morning kisses and flowers at work. but it wont be this. it wont be what i have with tey. nothing will ever be like this.and i fucking love that. im obsessed. im entranced. im in deep heartache love.
and ironically he does literally the worst thing he could do. the worst thing. he could. is love me irrevocably. whole heartedly. stubbornly. passionately. intentionally. desperately. in return. a love that i could live with for eternity. without a shadow of a doubt love. til the day we die in each others fucking arms.
its killing him. its killing us. but its keeping us alive.
how sobering is that shit.
#2017#NewYearNewMe#relatinship#boyfriend#love#writing#spilledink#addiction#drugs#help me#literally#im so lost#and so in love
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