so, i have thought more about what we now know about botw2 and honestly, setting aside the smaller things i am not a fan of (like the building aspect) my biggest gripes about it are the plot looking like its gonna be very generic, especially regarding ganondorf, while i hoped it would perhaps finally give us a little more interesting take instead good vs evil; and the oh so mysterious figure you see in in the trailer very likely to be hylia, since shes mentioned constantly in the first game (among other things like her design being pretty much a carbon copy of zelda for the most boring reasons imaginable)

and no its not just bc of my stupid little fanworks (that i do bc i love the franchise, as much as i am critical of it, it comes from being very passionate about it, hence me working my fan lore around the canon so it doesnt disturb it much, its more meant to expand it on parts i think are a little lacking without me trying to sound superior, literally just as an act of love (and a little spite ill admit that) to add something to it)- BUT bc i have little hope they would do anything more than just going full blown "this monstrous beast is pure inherently evil, and this is the pure inherently good white little girl goddess whos just protecting her god given perfect and unshakable good tm monarchy" with no little to no nuance (theres also alot more to be critical of the general structure and implications like racism, orientalism, nationalism, that while i can see alot of wrong or questionable things in the games i lack the eloquence to talk about in its full range) yes i am personally biased bc i just .. hate that kind of story/worldbuilding structure, but i dont think im the only one who would think of it as boring and .. disappointing?

i dont need ganondorf to be redeemed, i dont need him to be the good himbo bf that some people think all ganondorf stans want, i just want him to be more than to shout "i will conquor this kingdom bc i am evil and want it" and send a horde of monsters after you, at the very least id want the game to just aknowledge that there must be a reason for it, why it turned out like this

the zelda series and its world has so much potential, which is probably a reason for its popularity in fanworks, but also keeps not using it, no i dont expect a company like nintendo to deliver on all my hopes, of course not, im not that delusional, but the further i think and learn about this universe and concepts they created i find myself asking "why" more and more where the games never elaborate, never question

i like a clear structure, i like when your choices dont have a big or any impact on the story bc i want to live the story, not worry about every decision like i already do every second of my life IRL, i want to partake in a movie, in a theater piece i can influence the pace of but not change the outcome, yet i feel kind of ... ignored? let down? asking why and how, how do they know this is right and this is wrong, how do they keep enacting this seeing it never works out, keep saying defeat this evil, but evil yet returns stronger than before over and over, how do they never ask "is this the right way?", they say "we need to kill it more next time"

i know they are fictional little characters made up to sell a game, with a convevient plot point to ever repeat the same structure, but it cant be wrong to say "i love this world, i want to see and know more, i want to see it grow and change, break the cycle and be better, show me characters not puppets"

theres very surely nuances and ideas i am sorely missing bc i lack the knowledge of japanese as a language, culture, and mythology, but i dont think it invalidates all that i feel for it ..

.. right?

book review: The bastard of istanbul by Elif Shafak

Just want to preface there WILL be spoilers so, dont read if you dont want spoilers.

OVERALL RATING: 7.9/10

Brief descripition: The book starts of with a women who goes into a hospital to get an abortion ultimately failing to do so in the process.

fast forwards to 20 years later where we meet Asya Kascanzi that lives in istanbul with her extended family. One day her mysterious american armenian cousin comes to visit her trying to find secerts of both their families pasts..

My Personal Thoughts: When i first saw the book i was skeptickal at first. I love drama fiction, esspeically when its to do with family drama. This book had alot of strong language and so many new words i had no clue meant. I liked the challenge of reading it; plus there were no spelling errors. I actually didnt have an underlying favorite charcter, i loved and hated each charcter throughout the story.

Ending was very bittersweet, I did not like the ending. It felt very sudden. In the end when theyy were talking about Asyas father and how they had mentioned Zahilia (her mother) had been r*ped i kind of as a thought said "oh maybe its her brother because she weirdly doesnt feel excited for his arrivel to istanbul and maybe her brother had r*ped her." Did i even for the slighest think i was right? NO, i didnt want to believe it was true and after finding out that disgusting truth i didnt know how to feel. Like I liked Mufasa but then we find out he r*ped Zahilia, HIS SISTER??? Yeah tottally caught me off gaurd, and it was mentioned in the last pages and i was just trying to finish the book and BOOM. And then HE DIES. OUT OF THE BLUE??? AND LIKE I FELT SO BAD FOR ROSE, HIS WIFE. Like she was finally goes out of the US and goes to this country and the MOMENT SHE STEPS IN THE COUNTRY, HER HUSBAND JUST DIES. I didnt really like rose during the book because she was really annoying and it became tedious to read her dialogue, but after she had asked her daughter in the end to translate whats going on because she didnt know that in islam after the person dies, they bury the corpse immediately and must've been such a shock for her.

One thing i wanted to touch in the book was the display of islam and religion through out the story. Me, i am a muslim since birth so whenever there is Islam mentioned in the book i get really nervous but i was plesantly suprised to see good repersentation. Maybe because the author is muslim so obviously that would make sense. its very apparent that the displays of islam is portrayed perfectly but the whole djinn thing with Aunt Banu really made it sort of intoreable to read in a way. But i will say, seeing that perspective was intersting esspeically how ive all my life never wanted to get into that side of the world and islam, for my saftey and others. So seeing it and the dangers it gives was a great warning and to show how even talking with djinn is bad.

There was a part in the story when they had Asya and Aramoush both discuss in the chat room about Armenian and Turkish Massacre in 1915. The whole chat room was talking with Asya and cursing her people for what happened and how her people are ignoorant and they dont want to face what had happened then. And Asya says this quote that even the author had pointed out as never said before. It was so true and exactly how i felt when reading this passage because i was getting frustrated at how these people were acting and just ranting at Asya for something that even she didnt even know until Aramoush had arrived.

"Tell me, what can i do as an ordinary Turk in this day and age do to ease your pain?"

Page 261, And wow. What a quote. And then following that. It was written by the wise man behind the screen, Baron Baghdassarian. He says:

"Turks have been in the habit of denying their wrongdoings, the Armenians have been in the habit of savoring the cocoon of victimhood."

Page 263, Beautifully sums up the wisdom behind this book that bring into light about the situation.

I really loved the maturity that Aramoush and Asya had gained throughout the story. Both learning and understanding each other and learning more about how to love their culture and their past by one another was just perfect and beautifully unified the story all together.

All in all, i think this story was good. I defenitly was glued to the book some days and then some times it would be 30 pages and then im doen for the day. Its story could have some working, esspeically that end with how abruptly we were thrown with all that information. Would i reccommend it? Yes, but only to a certian demographic of people. And dont ask what type of people, i dont know. Just you will know after you read it.

Dream/Resolution.

-companion piece to 'Today is the day'

-

A young Adrian, no older then eight years old, sat on a park bench listening to the birds chirp and people out in the distance play, laugh and having a good time.

Adrian only looked on with a sad smile.

Unaware of someone walking up to him.

"Hey super hero" Spoke a kind gentle voice as Adrian looked up to see a mop of Yellow hair and sky blue eyes that seem to be smiling brightly at him just as his smile was.

"Uncle Jaune?"

The now revealed Jaune sat down next to him on the park bench before hunching over a bit.

"Why the park? You always pick the park." Jaune asked looking around as Adrian looked out in the distance.

"Hmm well...I guess for me this is where it all really started..." Adrian said Jaune tilted his head.

"Or maybe it's where I finally found my conviction or my dream...watching you help those people like the girl with the cat over their or helping that food stall out?...seeing you bring hope to others? Well I want to be a hero just like you!" Adrian said and Jaune looked at him with a proud smile.

"Your a quick learner too, Your mothers have taught you well!" Jaune praised greatly too which Adrian laughed.

"So? What's on your mind this time kiddo?" Jaune asked.

"I'm just worried...I got my own team now and sometimes i fear i dont know what im doing is right." Adrian admitted his head down Jaune just looked at him before looking ahead over the hills.

"I know the feeling...back in my time at Beacon I was lost as well making it all up as I go along if you could believe it" Jaune told him to which Adrian looked at him surprised.

"So mom was right you really did have god tier luck" Adrian chuckled to which Jaune laughed with him.

"I suppose so...luck counts for alot in the world we live in" Jaune said to him and Adrian just returned to looking at the floor.

"I'm gonna need some now uncle..." Jaune looked back to Adrian with a concerned look.

"You wanna tell me what your up against?"

"My team is on the search for that woman and I'm afraid this is the last lead we have on finding her..." Adrian explained to him.

" If we could find that woman it will stop Ruby from destroying herself...she has been searching non-stop trying to find her Uncle...it was way worse in the beginning..." Jaune just looked down ashamed.

"But I'm scared that if I don't find Cinder...I'll lose my Aunt in the process...it would be like losing you all over again." Adrian said with a choked up sob.

Jaune looked away from him a thought paused on his face before his smile came back.

"I'm not worried"

Adrian looked at Jaune confused at his words.

"What ever doubts you have, you'll over come it. You'll save your Ruby and ease her pain. You'll do what I could not. I know you can. Your an Arc." He said proudly to him.

"Its your turn now to give people hope" Jaune this time got up from his seat and stretched out his limbs.

"When you finish. when all is said and done...come back here and we can chat again" Jaune said to him to which Adrian just looked at him again with a sad expression.

"Sound good?" Jaune asked looking down at his nephew.

"We can talk about happier things then!" He said gently as Adrian looked at him with tears in his eyes.

"Uncle Jaune."

Jaune just looked at his nephew.

"I miss you so much I-I wish you were really here" Adrian sobbed Jaune looked at him with a sad smile.

"I miss you too Adrian but we'll just have to make do with pretending" Jaune said resting his hand on Crocea Mors.

Adrian nodded at his uncles words removing the tears with his sleeve

"Thank you Uncle. Talking to you always make me feel better" He said looking up at his inspiration to do what he does as Jaune started to walk a bit forward before turning around.

"Ooh I forgot to ask...hows your sister?" Jaune asked him.

Adrian smiled.

"She's good Uncle...a handful when I have to watch her but you'd love her no doubt" He said wholeheartedly.

"I don't doubt it...what she like?" He asked and Adrian just chuckled.

"How did mom put it...like a fire cracker in a bottle?" To which Jaune laughed at his sisters words.

"Haha sounds like someone else I know" Jaune said looking at his nephew proudly.

Adrian stopped laughing as a frown appeared back on his face. He looked away and then back at Jaune before jumping off the bench and running at Jaune before giving him a hug.

Jaune just smiled warmly and hugged him back.

They stayed like that for what felt like ages until finally Jaune scroll went off...advising him of an emergency.

Jaune sighed.

He pulled at his scoll and looked at it before returning his look to Adrian but to his happy shock gone was the eight year old boy...in his place was an older teenager no older then seventeen dressed in armor like himself and crocea mors resting at his side.

"Wow...just look at you!"

Adrian let out a chuckle.

"Gonna be a real lady killer aren't you still nothing like ol' uncle" Jaune joked to which Adrian shook his head.

"I'm gonna find her Uncle...and I'll save Auntie. Arc promise" Adrian said confidently to which Jaune nodded to him as he began to walk away from Adrian.

"Time to go Adrian" he said before turning around one more time under the shade of a large tree.

"You got people that need you" He told him before walking away as Adrian waved.

" Goodbye uncle Jaune"

-

Adrian slowly opened his eyes just in time for his mother, Saphron too look at him with a motherly smile.

"Sleep well?"

Adrian just nodded as he slowly got out of bed his mother handed him a pair of clothes before pointing to his weapon and armor.

Adrian was about to get ready when his mother held his face in her hands.

"He would be so proud of you son" Saph said tearfully and Adrian nodded before giving her a hug.

Adrian looked out the window of his room as the sun began to rise over the horizon and smiled.

what anxiety feels like when living on it alone

the shift of the sun to the moon made me think how time pass so fast. i’ve always wondered why i have to live this earth at a certain stage, talked about being depress because of how i battle it all alone. 

no one knows why, i remember my first panic attack back on the year 2018. when my dad already left me in another country surrounded by familiar but unfamiliar people, the amount of pressure i feel, the unwanted feeling i didn’t want to show to people because all along i decided to keep them on my own.

then my lola was the one i treasured the most, but soon she left. she distracted me from the pain i was feeling and i know she understand why i live life like that. reasons why i barely visit her is because if ever i do, i’d feel like my life would always turn into fables, to short stories, to poems. being with her grave was a safe spot for me. 

i never got to tell the reason of my first panic attack, well i’ve always been in a shift of places. went from north to south people making me realize what’s wrong with my life and i was just seventeen, new in the world, trying to be okay, trying to save myself from the devastation i have gathered when i was young. the trauma i had, the pain i never realize that it was pain. there were alot of reason on my first panic attack, but i know my parents can’t do anything about it and that’s why i always wonder, will we have reasons to plot life together?

living on my own, surrounded by unfamiliar people i was scared to talk and i know they are too. as time pass by i tried to gain confidence but slowly i hesitate, anxiety of me thinking of possible reason why people never talk to me made me sad and hate myself. maybe these are reason, maybe i hated how i live, maybe im really not scared of death but im scared of the fact that i missed any good opportunities i have in my life. i’ve talked to many people with the same feelings but in different stories, we all dealt with this kind of pain in life but differently, i often ask “oh, why do i feel like the reason of my pain may seem to be less to how heavy it is for them”.

recently, anxiety has been with me again. not because of the amount of caffeine i have but rather because of how i always set my mind in a place whereas i always think i am not enough.

during my time in my internship i learned few things, i dont like it there. i just want the feeling of belongingness and i hate to think that people would judge me for who i am and i hate that fact. maybe i need to tell myself that a month as an intern was enough for me to realize what i am capable of and what i want in an environment, it was fun but i’m still looking for the reason “why” which make things complicated. 

ending this post with, its depression month again. not because of my fucking hormones but rather i feel less of myself again. like theres alot of things i need to deal with, finish and do. another progress of change is needed. 

journal 01/12/23

So unless I share this somewhere now one but me knows this journal/blog exists. Which honestly makes this a lot easier. Unless you're like me and believe that even my paper journals get read. The ones on google are no less secure. If you know me at all for like the past 7 or so years I have been talking about two things. The “voices” aka the conspiracy. Which I believe are real, and for some reason. Well, maybe I'll get honest about that one day too. They are everywhere and nowhere. Always watching and always either stressing me out to push me forward. Like when they ease off and leave me alone its either because im in recovery or in my addiction and dont give a fuck. I have struggled with suicide for a very long time. Believe me I have thought how easy it would be. Three things have kept me going. One God, whatever you want to call God. Having a higher power is kind of important. Even if you are your higher power. Prayer and meditation really do save peoples lives everyday. Say what you want about your mom. My mom's prayer kept me alive. Not to mention the sea of people who look at the man inside. Who knows sometimes from personal experience or from God that everyone deserves love and forgiveness no matter what. Second, my future wife. Now I know he said he is pan-sexual. Well guess what everyone in NA asked what your DOC or drug of choice. Mine is a woman, period. Been attracted and have gone both ways, but I have gotten honest about it as of late. Now if you know all of my story like some of you do. Which again no one reads this lol. I have been abused and have been the abuser. I have never been violent. No one has ever told me the words “Stop”. If they had, I would have. Now in my addiction I have watched as people almost die in front of me. In some cases they did wind up dying. Some of those people were important to me and can never be replaced. Just like I am to some people. So when I say the amount of poetry I have not and will never release. One day I want her to read it. If somehow has not already. Which reality is right well in my head. I do know who she is but can’t bring myself to be honest about it because of the voices. It's the weirdest shit ever. I have tried to run away from my feelings by having lots of sex with everyone and all to run away from one woman. I fell in love with her heart, her voice, and how she loved people. That was because of jesus. I know there are other women like her but I just. Look, I give her to you God right now. Still not going to kick it in the long run believe me. Third the hope I can make a difference in this sad painful fucked up world we live in. I want people to look at me the same way I looked at her. They see Jesus and want to be better human beings because of the change that comes from accepting him. Give me ten years. Everyday choosing God. Everyday choosing to be clean and sober. Every minute of every day trying to be a better man than I was yesterday. So that tomorrow I will be a better man than I am today. Wake up excited to live another day and watch the sunrise and how beautiful it is and then watch the sunset even if it's boring. It's the little things. Anyway I am going to finish my homework. 10 things that I am powerless over. Every day for a week then if I miss one I have to start over. God was like, as many things that I'm powerless over there are alot of things that I control, Crazy huh? Good night weirdos!

Noticed an influx of terfs harassing fellow agriculture blogs. And i want to talk about something pretty heavy, if you are one of those “terf” people or maybe you have found yourself following those types of blogs while also following mine please give my words a read. I know some people look up to me but to be honest I am not the most eloquent person but maybe i can convince you to look more critically at your world view.

Tw: Transphobia, abuse, trauma, Aphobia, Terf rhetoric

I will be honest and say that I also once attacked people who were different from me to, i used to be what i think is called an asexual exclusionist due to some of my own trauma and because of that i took it out on the asexual community as an angry autistic teenager. I was frustrated at my hypersexuality which was a symptom of my sexual abuse being treated like a normal sexuality so i projected those feelings of hurt back out into the world when their was better coping methods. I was frustrated at the well off asexual kids in GSA that couldnt understand why their fellow member was having a panic attack due to being kicked out of the house for being a lesbian, when i could have been just as frustrated at the other LGBT kids that had decent parents, i was just targeting them because they were different from me and it felt safe to.

Obviously as an adult I educated myself and no longer hold those ideas. I read stuff from outside of my own point of view and stuff that directly challenged me over the years, I know not everyone has the privilege to be able to do that but i did and the reason is is that i was tired of hurting and i was tired of hurting other people, I never harassed anyone but it did influence how i treated people when i was younger and i am sorry for it.

I know alot of terf rhetoric centers around the concept of women (specifically white women usually) being victims of the “other sex” or being them being the “better sex”. (i know because aphobic rhetoric is very similar) Due to this they genuinely believe that other women want to come into their spaces and “steal” this ideal away from them. Thats why they get so furious about the idea of functional uterine transplants. To them, their uterus or vulva is what defines them as “better” or the reason they suffer trauma but when the science is moving so where typical reproduction may not be the only pathway to child bearing they become enraged because they are no longer “special” to themselves. Their is no longer a reason for their trauma and pain.

This fundamentally is the basis of the hate they put out into the world. This is also why they attack cis women who do not conform to typical femininity. This boiling down of their worth to chromosomes or anatomy is literally just a rehashed version of the own misogyny they were likely fed as a child and it makes me sad. They say the same stuff my shitty relatives did about women but now terfs are the ones saying it about whoever they decide is the “other” sometimes that other is transgender women sometimes its intersex women and sometimes its women who just dont conform to their ideals. When you picture yourself happy, is it when your standing with your heels dug in on top of the people you deem “other”? Or is when your helping out your fellow human? When you tear down another person does it really build you up? When you see others tear someone down because of their appearance do you not care how it may affect the people you care about and the people who care about you? How many terfs have i seen brag about “hate saving” transwomens photos so they can make fun of them later? How does that sound when you say that out loud? Imagine going to the person you care about the most someone you deeply respect and saying “in my free time i save/take pictures of people i dont know and then i make fun of them and show them to a bunch of strangers so we can make fun of them together” like really say that out loud.

I would be ashamed. I want to make people happy not hurt them. I want connection and i think thats a base need for most humans. I want to connect with people who are kind to me and kind to others, if someone told me they were doing that i would feel ashamed for even talking to that person. Sexual abuse and trauma are no joke and there isnt an argument to say that women suffer gendered violence that cis white men simply never really will ever understand. But true of the matter is our trans brothers and sisters are treated just like woman are and worse. I feel like so many of us end up holding hate for a group of people due to bad experiences with individuals so our dumb brains start shoving people into boxes of “bad” and “good”. But a trans person can fear rape, abuse, trauma just as much as you do and they suffer from very high levels of it and thats a fact. They are not your enemy, hateful individualistic thinking is! and its that very same way of thinking that is killing the planet. I want to iterate that every single person you have interacted with on this website is a living breathing person. They have their own emotions, their own thoughts, their own dreams, and their own world view. When you say something mean or harass them you are actively hurting another person. Me typing this out right now, i am a person with my own flaws and aspirations. I think sometimes people forget that people are people not just faceless emotional less words on a screen. Trans women are women and this blog will always support that. If that makes you upset think about why, on your own at first, no social media to help you.

Maybe see a therapist who is well versed in gender and the lgbt. Therapists arent just their for when your depressed or anxious they are here to talk to. There is people you can read about or talk to, the worst thing that can happen is that you could change like i did. There is nothing shameful about changing and admitting mistakes. Sorry if i said some things wrong i just wanted to get it off my chest

what are your top 10 relationships in aot?

Hmm very interesting question anon- thanks for asking! Idk if i can really rank them since i only have the one OTP, but i can certainly give my 2 cents on the most popular pairings, according to the interwebs.

2 things to keep in mind:

i dont hate/dislike any pairing. I dont care enough to waste energy doing so. I like what i like, other people like what they like- simple as that, i cant understand why its so hard for ppl to grasp this concept

You may be wondering about my recent tag usage because ive been tagging a lot of diff ships- mainly for my anti-SNK139 shitposts. Just had a wild idea that maybe- JUST MAYBE, we could all put aside our differences and just have a laugh at our shared misery. Because idk how any of us are supposed to be happy with this ending. I mean, upon reflection I see what Isayama was going for, but idk its just tough to swallow unlike Levi's fun juice. Which, in my opinion, should be taken as a compliment- the man set the bar so high with the previous arcs that our expectations were thru the roof despite a rushed final arc, and he just...missed the dunk? Anyway hot take, i know.

Ok i digress- to the ask, in no particular order:

Levihan

Cute ship, very fluffy. Who doesn't like best friends to lovers trope? And theres no denying they have mutual respect for each other, which is a huge kink of mine. Honestly, its hard for me to ship a pairing if it isn't evident. That said, does this pairing get my ovaries going? Eh, not particularly but i still likies

Erehisu

I was behind this ship mainly because i was sold on Eren's "Walter White" villain arc. What better catalyst for a dramatic change in character than if their child was involved? The idea that Eren went full Hitler because he got Historia preggers and wanted the child to grow up in a "free" world? What parent wouldnt sell their soul for that goal, given the world they live in? And Historia- grappling with the knowledge/morality of Eren's plan but for the sake of the child? Prime for character development. Not to mention all the blatant crumbs. But Isayama went NOPE.

Eremika

Oh boy. So, firstly, i would have readily accepted this ship if Isayama laid off the one-sidedness a bit. But he didnt. And while im sure there are instances that can be interpreted as mutual affection, i dont see how that excuses all the times Eren snapped at her/just generally annoyed with her attentions. Like, we dont know his POV at all until the very end which retroactively you can say, oh he didnt want to cause her future pain? But by then its too late for US. And in the end (im not clear on this tho/too lazy to check) was it ever made clear to Mikasa that he reciprocated her feelings? Im prob biased/self-projecting here, but I would NOT have stuck around on the off-chance that the dude is faking his disinterest?? Even if he did save my life and is my childhood friend! You dont owe someone love because of that, but because of how you mutually treat one another. Anyway i woulda taken the fucking hint and moved onto Levi's dick, i would never put up with that nonsense

Eruri

These 2 are bonded, to say the least. They hold each other in high regard and i love that about any ship. Good stuff.

Ereri

Doesn't do much in the ovary-dept for me relationship-wise, but man, this ship is popular for a reason. The fanart for this ship is TOP TIER 

Yumihisu

Again, they regarded each other highly and theres no denying they deeply cared for one another. Sometimes love doesnt give a shit what genitals you happen to have, why cant ppl understand this? We all got hearts and souls, that counts for something??

Aruani

The energy for this ship is a little tepid for me. Maybe because her ass was stuck in a crystal 70% of the story, but i liked pre-crystal annie alot. If anything, i preferred her dynamic with Eren more, mainly because Eren respected her so much and she contributed a lot to his character growth in the first arc. Just my preferred dynamic for a ship. Also she kicked his ass so much i was beginning to think he was into it

Jeankasa

Dont mind it at all. I think it lacks a certain degree of intensity that i prefer in my ships, but theres def mutual respect there and im all for it.

Jeanpiku

Thought this was a cute ship that came to bloom in the later chapters. its intriguing dynamic- falling in love with the (former) enemy kind of way.

Rivamika

Uh. Where to start. Actually i wont because this post is long enough as is. Just peruse my blog if you're actually curious ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

THE UNASSEMBLED WORDS

Things not always go your way they never even stay the same but you can make your mind to go with the flow u can make yourself to work within the things but sometimes it's hard to face the reality sometimes you are not ready to accept the situation, we all are never mature enough that we cant cry crying makes your mind healthy but overthinking only leads to depression and stress. People will say whatever will come in their mind but it's not always necessary to carefully listen to their opinions. 

When you are determined to achieve something and deep down you know that the path you chose is right for you then no one can divert our mind from those guts. People will depress you, they will tell you that u r wrong and their opinions are right bcz they can't see a person becoming more successful than they themselves. Nowadays no one is more sincere to you than your parents, not even your relatives.

Sometimes I think about the day when I will achieve my dreams but then what if I have no more plans to move on ? what if i get the person i love but what after that ? as i will be near to it i will forget the hurdles and all the things i lost on the path towards my goal. Man is greedy, his requirements can never be completed bcz he wants more & more. If u want to get to ur dreams u have to listen to yourself only u dont care about the people and even if u hurt them u have no problem but then comes the deceiving part where u think that following your dreams might separate your family from u this fear of losing someone really special in ur life makes ur way turn back. I think it's the law of life u cant live happily if the people around u r sad. A person like me sometimes thinks that leave everything and go get whatever u want but in the end u have to come back. U will never forget where u belong and thats how u feel the existence of love.

 The first love relations with you are of the same blood. But how can u fall for someone so badly ? How can you love someone out there in this world more than those people who raised you ? This love can be of two types. The love relation with Allah and secondly the other with one of his people. How weird it is to think that we pray to get someone else in our lives instead of praying to get Allah’s affection. To be honest, pray for it and you will get the things you love automatically even if you love someone so badly. First put this in your mind that excess of everything is bad. It's only Allah who will give u everything and will never upset u but the people around u can love u the most but can also give u the pain that u cant bear. 

Everything happens for good. Maybe someone in your past who deceived you was there by Allah’s choice to make you strong and to make you prepared that nobody is there with you forever. People will always stay in search to get ur weak points but staying close to Allah will hide all of those mistakes on ur side which u made unexpectedly or even if u knew u should pray to be forgave and he will forgive u try to pray from the core of your heart. Nothing is more peaceful than crying in sujood bcz that is the moment when u feel hopeless and u dont have words to describe the society around u that how u feel. I faced a lot of times when i was compared and i was insulted but all i used to do was to stay silent and secretly in the heart say “ Ya Allah u should answer them”. Sometimes its good to stay quiet bcz the silence makes the people go crazy. The silence is breaked automatically by Allah. He himself shows the people that u were wrong.

 Not always u have to stay silent but when u r being doubted for a wrong reason or the person saying is crossing the limits listen 3 times but the 4th time smack his face. Bcz they deserve it. From my perspective rules should be for everyone, and the strictness u faced should also be embossed on the coming kids. It's not right to scold or insult someone in the middle where everyone is sitting bcz it makes you stressed and this is the fact where suicidal thoughts start to enclave even a young mind. I dont why im even writing this but the point is that i really don't want anyone to interfere in our lives and not even to scold us bcz they dont live with us they don't face the things we are facing right now, they cant live a week with us but after all they are right and they will never like to meet a person with empty pockets. To every individual on this planet earth, money is everything and money can buy happiness even. People will embrace you till the day u have money but the day u fall a little they will not even ask that are u ok or do u need any help. 

Life will change so will the people but the real face of people can only be seen when you stand in a tough time and they turn their backs away from you. We lived a great past life, we went to restaurants, we ate mcdonalds and shopped etc. so what everybody does when they have money. People should really look into themselves and then say a word to other people. At the end i would like to share a small verse with huge meaning from Quran that:

 In surah alam nashra

            “Beshak har mushkil ke baad asani hai”

            “Indeed after every hard time there’s good time”

People will stay with you till you are useful to them. the day u fall in need of help, some will help u only those who were sincere to u maybe it can be those people whom u never even noticed or they were not even in priority but they stand with u, they come into your life as angels. Because you wanted them and they were to be in your life by the grace of Allah. 

As you grow up u learn through experiences u learn to stand after crawling but not at once u fall u cry and then u get up, u stand at ur own. As a kid, u are learning actually u are learning throughout your life; from people and mistakes. U are not living until u fail.

 U learn to live through love and failures. Love is the road which can give u the best memories to laugh and cry on, but the bumps can give u those bruises and wounds which will heal but the pain will last forever. The time is cruel after u lose someone u love, and even more when the loved one becomes part of your routine. U cannot live without food as well as love. It's easy to console the broken person but it's not possible to feel the pain as that person is feeling. During this time the emotions are at level best of depression and stress if u cant be nice to them then better stay away bcz they can even harm themselves.

Love is very important in life. If u love someone but can’t tell bcz of some fear.

The fear can be of being rejected or it can be the matter of pride. The matter of our reputation is very sensitive, especially for a girl. A small mistake can break the entire reputation which was made from long and hard work. But people will only bring up the flaws bcz they need a topic to talk on. More importantly,the thing that matters is peace with the reputation u hold, if u have reputation and money but u still feel alone u are not fine. 

The hardest part in life is to live without the person whom you cry for days and nights but you can't tell bcz u are afraid of losing the reputation u hold. It's not wrong but it's killing u deep inside. U keep smiling but its only breaking you. It's funny cuz u are ruining yourself. Less to be worried bcz u are being destroyed by love. The part that hits hard and it's all about fate. Being compared to a less experienced person is bad bcz u know that the person hasn't faced any of the circumstances as u did.

“A dream is a wish that your heart makes”

For loving someone you don't have to be perfect. U dont have to change yourself bcz u know that person will accept u no matter what. This is the belief that love brings into our soul. Love happens; it never asks you who I should be with. It's the beauty and the magic of eyes which makes u staring. A fact says that if a person misses you they appear in your dream and if you think about someone alot it means that person was thinking about you first. I believe a lot in these facts bcz they happen a lot. The real fun and peace in love is by burning in the fire of awareness. U keep waiting for the other person to make a move but what to do if the other person is waiting for u. 

Okay, I know I'm talking rubbish right now. It's currently 3:14 a.m. and I'm unable to sleep. I'm not in the mood to write in my diary so it's better to keep on writing to keep yourself busy. Life is not in the mood to study all i want to do is to explode up and cry i know why but tears seem to be dried and i no longer have emotions my mind just wants to fall into midnight in a deep conversation with myself or with a trustworthy my heart seems to beat for some reasons that keep giving me the same tensions which i want to remove. It feels like my soul is whirling like a storm. I don't know what to do to scream or to cry or to stay awake or sleep. Sometimes i just want to stay up and think about my future and the choices I'm making but i don't have leisure time. 

Hard times will not stay with you forever but at every point of ur life they will make u realize that don't forget where u belong and what u survived in ur past. U can never forget your past bcz ur weakness makes u strong. It's better not to expect alot from people. They can bring u disappointment only or a bit of what u were expecting. U cant eat when ur hands are tied u have to make a move to eat and feed your hunger nobody else is going to do this for you.

 Be independent. It's an easy sentence with two words to say but it requires all of your life to be courageous enough to face the coming hurdles. U are going to face many challenges .

“if ur life got harder congratulations !! u just leveled up”.

 Smile even if there are 1000 reasons not too but this time during these days it seems to me as if I'm the shining star alone in the sky where clouds are trying to dull my spark but i keep shining the clouds hide me but then i come back. The mechanism of nature also teaches you many lessons of life. If you think deeply, the sun teaches you that after every dusk there is dawn. The sky can't show the glitter of stars without night. The moon tells you it's good to go through phases. The black clouds teach u that when u are loaded after going through many stages its ok to let everything pour out through tears. The average rain can bring happiness to the beings on earth they will feel calm but if it rains more than normal it destroys the belongings of human.Similarly, if we cry normally it freshens our mind but the excess of it leads to depression and damage of internal conditions and peace.

“Excess of everything is bad”

I don't know when girls felt peaceful in their lives, enjoyed and cherished the most beautiful moments of their lives. All the time they have to worry about something even if it's health,dressing,family,friends or some sort of harassment. She cant feel free to live. Talking to a male about life and studies is a crime and is considered something related to flirting and to be feel ashamed on. Something for which the parents can't speak on if they want to. The people thinking in this way for someone's daughter should think that in future they will also have daughters and what if this will happen to them. If today you consider someone else your daughter or sister honestly u have a peaceful and beautiful future.

But if u see girls as some material to be used and thrown u were born to be wrong then even if u say urself muslim or human look at ur habits and inner person it is more worse than animal. You have to change yourself first to change the people around you.

Life After Snowpiercer: End of the Line

Summery- Matts Alive! Curtis is given a choice, learns the truth about the kids, You are attacked, and also still alive! Some non con implied, but all mild. 

Word Count- 5806

Chapter 4 / Masterlist 

Curtis just shook his head in disbelief at the man before him, certainly grown up from the eleven year old boy he knew, but somethings never change. His eyes, Your eyes looking back at him, but they held a bit of coldness in them that yours didnt. “H-ow? What is going on. They TOOK you Matt.”Although Curtis always assured you to hold out hope Matt was alive, he knew the likelihood was not good, but he could have hope to keep you from feeling hopeless. Then after you had healed, accepted that it was a possibility, you still had the nightmares, crying in the dark for your brother, Curtis waking to your sobs and cradling you in close to protect you... of course he couldnt let you suffer like that. But here Matt was, alive.

“Yea, Wilford saved me Curtis from a life of shit. You all did this to yourselves back there. Always plotting and scheming to take control of what isnt fucken yours.” Matt looked his nose down at Curtis, glancing away at Claude and smiling fondly at her. “She knew that I wasnt like that, did you sweetheart?” He caressed the womans face and leaned down to peck her lips. “Nams still alive out there, can you watch over him and his daughter till were finished in here.” She complied with a soft nod, leaving the three men alone.

Wilford cleared his throat. “Oh trust me Curtis, Matt took a while to understand what the truth was. But he came around, didnt you son?” Smiling almost loving at Matt. “He understands what the train needs from him, and Im an old man now, I wont be here forever. You and Matt working together, well this train is my legacy and will continue on forever. With some help of course.” He moved to open a cupboard and Timmy crawled out, Curtis eyes widening at this next shock. Timmy to was alive! The boy just ignored Curtis though and proceeded to go up the stairs, and enter in a car.

“Timmy? What are you doing, get back here?!” Curtis called to the boy, but he merely buckled himself in and whoosh, he was gone. Curtis turned to look at Wilford and Matt “Where the fuck did he go?!”

“Into the engine of course, it builds up crud, and kids like Timmy, they clear it out, also run some of the gears that need help. Reason we need all those kids from the tail end is although the train is self sustaining, the parts wear out. Many have gone extinct, and we have no way to replace them anymore. We ran out of metal for workers to mold. So we need someone who can fit into tight spaces. Gotta be about 4 or 5, you tail enders are always so scrawny. When they outsize, we replace them.”

Jesus fucking christ... how many kids have they taken over the years? At least over 2 dozen. Oh Curtis.... He could hear your sorrow now, it broke your voice, picture the tears streaming down your face as you mourned for all those babies you all lost in the tale end. Curtis growled out “What happens once they age out?”

Matt rolled his shoulders nonchalant like “Well if someone here wants one, they can just take them as there own, or if no one else can use them in there service, we execute them. Originally we were just gonna bring them back, but hell over crowding has started becoming an issue. You all really need to learn more creative fucking methods. What was the term you used the other day Wilford? ‘Like a bunch of god damn rabbits back there?” He chuckled at his attempt of wit.

What the fuck did they do to you Matt?!

They have no idea, thought Curtis, all the people they broke taking the children. The parents weve found that died because it broke there heart, shattered there will to live. How many women in the tail end lived in FEAR, not at the dangers of child birth, but that they might lose there children and can not stop it. How many times you confessed to him that you just couldnt get pregnant, it was just to dangerous to bring a life into all this, although he knew that you want nothing more then to be a mom one day. They had no idea they caused all that pain.

Curtis, they fully know. They just dont care. Your voice flat, the truth.

Wilford shook his head, chuckling “Now now, we need them more now then ever. As I said before, the front end and tail end work together. We provide them with shelter, food and safety, they provide us with necessary replacement train parts and the occasional entertainment of cleaning up the excess baggage the train carries. Already were running smoother then before thanks to The Great Curtis Revolution.” That fucker is was still trying to make that a thing, Curtis could already see you rolling your eyes.

Matt cheerfully turned back towards Curtis. “And I heard that Y/N will be coming  up to the front, since you two seem to be an item now. I say Curtis you will have more options now then just her if you want. Im sure after all this time your getting bored of her. Although I cant say Im surprised about you two, she always followed you since she met you like a little whimpering puppy. How is she anyways? I haven't thought about her in a while till Wilford brought you up. I suspect shes well.”

Curtis brows came together in anger at the mans words, at everything. That was his sister and he talked about her as if she was just a item Curtis happened to have possession of. “You havent thought about her? Your fucken kidding right? That woman constantly thinks about you, every damn day. Everything she does for others in the tail end is in your memory Matt. Even after all these years she has nightmares about how she couldnt save you, She thinks you will hate her because she cant get to you. And you havent thought about her this whole time?!” Curtis started laughing, shaking his head at all of it. Anger just making him snap at this point. “I cant believe im having this conversation with you of all people Matt. Fuck my life, they brainwashed you man. Everything about this.” Curtis waved his hand around and looked back at Matt, the laughter having died, now it was just cold facts he was raging out. “All this, its maybe more messed up then us starving and eating people, we were just trying to survive. You all think your some kind of gods for supposedly saving us and were a fucking game, you cant see why its so fucked up though, can you?!.”

Matt looked appalled over the outburst and Wilford spoke up “God Curtis your so over dramatic, cant you loosen up? Your acting like the fate of the world rests on you. Trust me, you have no control over that, and sounds like a good thing. I doubt you could handle that pressure. Look at you, so tightly wound.” Wilford made a motion like he had gone stiff, shaking.

Matt snorted in anger at the situation. “You act like you all werent happy for me, that it was my fault I earned my place by Wilfords side.” he basically spat out this next line. “That I should even care about what happened to either of you. That I deserved to be in that same shit hole as you? Wilford you really cant be serious about having Curtis be our Minister. He still lives in the old world view, has yet to embrace new world values. We are FUCKING GODS Curtis, make no mistake. Our word is the law on this train. People like my sister, all this for the people bullshit yall preached back there all the time, have no real place here. You both will get it soon enough.”

This was the final straw, Curtis couldnt, he just couldnt deal with the vile they were spewing, the lives they themselves sacrificed to try to kill him, and it was all a game to them, let alone the friends Curtis dragged into danger to get him here. With a twist, he tackled Wilford first, he had a pistol in his robes, it made sense. His right hand reared back and he caught the man unaware. When Curtis fist impacted, Wilfords head snapped back with a gush of blood exploding from his mouth and nose, those iced blue eyes rolled back and yes, it was that easy to just knock his senses askew.

Matt on the other hand had the upper hand, and he tried locking Curtis arms to his side, but a quick whip with his head backwards cracked against Mats face, and he howled out in anger and pain, releasing his hold against Curtis and cupping his face. “Your Fucker! You son of a bitch, I will kill you!” he screamed out. Clearly Matt forgot anything he learned in the tail end, cause he didnt even prepare for Curtis kick of his heavy treaded boots, hitting squarely in the chest and threw him back into the kitchenette.

Reaching wildly, Matt was able to grasp hold of a butcher knife from a black, slashing it so completely out of sync, that as Curtis ascended on him, he ducked backwards quickly when it wildly arched to him and his hand grabbed Mats wrist, twisting and crushing it in his single hand as he drew in close to the man, his hand grabbing his other hand to keep him from hitting him. “I would like to see you try, I came up here expecting alot more then over privileged cum stains like yourselves. Your finished.” He twisted Matts wrist further till he heard a snap, the knife clashing to the metal floor. Matt howled, not one of those cries out of pain, no this was a howl that almost sounded animalistic, he wrung his hand out of Curtis grasp and cradled it to his chest. Wasting no more time, Curtis ended up bashing his head into the overhead cupboards till he felt him go limp, releasing him to the floor. “Y/N, your brothers a fucking dick...” he muttered to himself.

One last issue to really take care of, Claude, she was out there guarding Yona and Nam. He heard her voice from outside of the gate, and going up behind it, he waited till he could see her yellow arm stretch beyond the gate, gun pointing inwards “Mat? answer me hon” and at that moment, Curtis pushed the door as hard as possible, crushing her into the door frame. She yelped out in pain and Curtis reached around to fist his hand in her hair and drag her into the room, kicking at her hand until it knocked the gun out. “Yona get in here now.” Claude hissed as she twisted and turned to get loose from Curtis and he gave her a vigorous shake to stun her, her hands trying to tug his loose from her scalp. “Your dead buddy, wait till Matt finds out you even touched me with your filthy paws.”

“I dont think hes doing much for a while sweetheart” Curtis promised her when Yona appeared in the room, wrinkling her nose at the scene before her. “We thought they would have killed you Curtis” She said softly while Nam followed along behind, sluggish. His face was pale and the rag he had pressed in his chest was soaked, still dripping big heavy drops of blood, gravity making a steady drip drip drip echo softly in this metal dungeon. “Not yet, they had other ideas apparently. Yona, can you sense where Timmy is? He went into the engine and we got to pull him out.” She had displayed hints of Clairvoyance throughout there journey, and she nodded, turning away to start searching. Claude chose this moment to start up again, smacking Curtis right in his gut and groin causing him to cuss out and tighten his grip in her hair to keep from releasing her.

“Fucken bitch” he hissed and having had enough of her, he knocked her upside the head, her screaming the whole time till she to went silent as her partners, she to was simply dropped to the floor with a thump. Still trying to catch his air once again, the ache going dull easy to ignore. Dont underestimate them Curtis a familiar whispered voice came to him, taking quick glances at the other two. He went to check Wilford, collecting his pistol still in his robe, and hobbled over to where Claude lost hers near the door. Handing one off to Nam, he spoke softly to him, to keep Yona from breaking concentration. “Are you okay?”

“Yea im fine.” The man grunted in his language, loosely translated by the box hanging off his neck. Just then he coughed and spat a wad of blood. It was clear he wasnt fine, just from the way he was wheezing, Curtis guessed at this point his lungs were filling with fluid. He had heard it before with others in the tail end. No one here was trained to drain it either, sure now that anyone who could was probably dead. He gave Nam a knowing look and the man cast a downwards glance. “Dont tell Yona, not yet.”

It was then Yona sprawled to the floor, clawing to pry up a tile “Curtis, hes here! Hes right under the tile.” her fingers scrambled against the smooth tile, and Curtis grabbed the abandoned butcher knife, wedging the tip into a crack, pushing till it popped open. What they opened was unlike anything Curtis had seen before. The small boy was squatting among the gears, digging his hands into chunks of oily gunk and digging it out, flinching every now and then when a piece of metal gear would cut shallowly into him, his arms were covered in bloody shallow knicks. Robotic like motions, he plunged his hand into the gunk and scooped out a handful. “Timmy! Timmy look up!” The little boy looked up, but it wasnt like he was seeing Curtis, more like through him. Curtis whats wrong with him? “Timmy you gotta get out of there, can you go back out?” I dont know Baby, I dont know what they done to him.

The boy just ignored him, his sightless gaze going back to the task at hand, and it was then Wilford made his presence known with a heavy groan, pushing himself up to a sit, swiping at his face. “Maybe I made a mistake with you Curtis... “ His gaze bleary as he sought out Curtis and Yona kneeling over the hole. “You just dont get what were doing here, cant see the bigger picture.” He moved to get up and Nam came between them, wheezing worst then before but ready to defend them. They were running out of time and Curtis knew it. A glance at his hand was the resolve he needed. I mean, it was the sacrifice he originally was going to make in a sense anyways. And into the gears his arm shot, stopping everything in its tracks, almost immediantly the gears all locked up, the train shuddered and wobbled unsteady.

Nam was blocking Wilford from ascending, but was struggling, surprise the gun had no fucking bullets in it, Yona reached in the gaps and stretched to reach for Timmy, who still seemed oblivious to what was going on above them. “Please Timmy, take my hand.” She turned her head to the side and stretched further, facing Matt whom now was starting to groan as well, Yona started to panic “Curtis, fuck hes waking up!” Panting through the pain of his arm getting crushed in the gears, he glanced to see Matt roll to his back, covering his face with a series of curses. Curtis, get my baby out of there, please! This time it was Tonyas voice yelling at him to save her child. Pushing Yona back with his free hand, he shot it into the one slot Timmy might fit through and grasped the boys skinny arm, hauling him up and pushing him to Yona who wrapped him up in her arms and started to pull back.

Matts foot connected squarely with Cutis jaw, wrenching his arm out of the gears, half skinning it in the process, his whole body flinging backwards. The enraged man landed on Curtis, trying to choke him out with his single hand, his broke wrist still cradling against his chest. Even with both short the use of an arm, Curtis was able to overpower him, pushing him to sprawl backwards. In there scuffle, the gun Curtis had tucked away in his jacket fell out and in both of there lunge to retrieve it, they scuffled it across the floor to land in the open hole. Matts eyes widened a bit “Oh shit!” It took a second for Curtis to understand what the issue was, yes that gun was loaded and it was currently twisting into the gears, making the entire train shudder, then a ping ping ping!

The pressure had set off the bullets in the weapon, and all around them steam shot out of the pipes. Everyone stopped what they were doing, looking around with fear at the reaction, and there was another mighty shudder. “Its gonna go off the tracks, good job fuckers!” Wilford hissed out in a panicked rage. Another shudder and the nose of the train must have hit something, an ice block on the tracks Baby your voice sounding scared in his confused mind, cause it jerked upwards, loosing traction on the track, without the wheels working in tandem to keep the forward momentum. It scrambled everyone, slamming them to the left side, Curtis skidded on his backside, crashing into Matt, who slammed into the kitchenette cabinets. The kids they went flying backwards towards the half opened gate, falling into the car just behind, Wilford and Nam entangled together smashed into the bolted down kitchen table. Claude, she screamed in fear at just waking up to everyone being whipped around spinning backwards across the floor. The engine started to tip to its side. The side of the Engine suddenly was ripped away with a screech of metal and sparks, having hit cliff side rocks. Wilford and Nam got sucked out of the giant hole, and thats when Curtis went black, something falling and smashing him in the skull.

During this time, in the tail end, James was dragging you back down the aisle, your body bouncing against random bunks and junk scattered around from where they had torn everything apart. Finally he tossed you to sprawl on the ground and fell on your stomach, bouncing enough to knock the air out of you. “I thought we already talked about this hunny, just be a good girl and spread them. Not that I dont like it when you all fight a bit.” Thinking he had subdued you, he pulled back to hike up your coat and shirts to what he claimed as his prize. .

Taking a chance you twist and shoot a foot out to hit him in his chest to topple backwards and start to crawl away, but a large hand encircled your ankle and jerk you to fall on your belly with a omph! Panicked, your hands shoot out under a bunk to see if theres anything to hold onto. Your hand closes around a small shard, fitting in the palm. You snatch it as he keeps dragging you back, flipping you to your back with a smirk.

Calm down Y/N, wait for the right opportunity. Of course it was Curtis calm voice, the one he used when he was bringing you back from a panic attack. You take a deep breath, and change tactics on James, stopping trying to fight, you hold up a hand in surrender. “Please, I give! What do you want?” James hand fisted in your mess of hair, tipping your head back till your throat was exposed. Dragging his tongue over you, you fight back a wave of bile burning your throat at the feeling of the man all over you. “well what do you think sweetheart, I want your sweet pussy gripping the best dick you ever had and begging for more.” God how the fuck do you not gag at that. Concentrate Baby. Praise how good he is. you shudder in the mans grip as he starts to palm a bruised breast, twisting it painfully like before. Do I really have to Curtis?

Trust me Babygirl

“You made me feel so damn good last time, and I was so ungrateful.” trying to make your voice husky with false lust and looking up at him wide eyed. Reaching up you cup James face and bite your lip, giving it your all. “But how about this time you let me make you feel good? A thank you.” Leaning up your brush your lips against his, really putting your all into drawing him into the kiss. Fucker fell for it, and he got caught up in what you were doing with your tongue, where your hands were running all over him, palming his crotch through his pants. “Biggest ive ever had” Cant believe Im saying this. God I hate you bastards. You were fighting everything in you to not start crying in disgust. Finally when he was panting against your lips, you push him hard enough to make him roll, his hands grasping your hips to have you follow, and now.... now you fucking dick head, I have you right where I want you, you think triumphant when you straddle his stomach.

That you do baby, you know what to do next. Curtis hissed in your mind. Dont hesitate, hard and quick.

Arching up, you smile so sweetly at James looking up at you hazily. “God I knew you were a good fuck, but this is even better then I thought it could be.Tell me im the best, better then whatever his name was.” Tracing his chest, and winking at him to respond. “Oh baby, Curtis was nothing like you.” And with a quick twist of your wrist, you shove that shard of metal in his eye, pressing down hard and quick with your palm as you could. You literally felt it pop, and the warmth of blood shoot against your palm. “Hes every fucking thing a man should be!” Smashing your hand against the next vulnerable part of him, his nose, he bucks in pain underneath you, shooting you off. Tumbling, you scramble up and start running towards the back as James is screeching, dodging the unsuspecting hands of other guards reaching out of the bunks they were laying in, some of them following James choices and there captives started to fight back in the confusion you caused. “GET THAT WHORE!” James screeching, his hand covering his eye as he struggled up, red gore oozing between his fingers.

You were looking for anyplace to hide when thrown off your feet violently.

It wasnt another person, the train started rattling on its tracks and screeching, fishtailing back and forth. One violent turn and you were flung into the bars of a bunk, screaming out as pain blossomed white hot through your spine, tumbling now. Bottom was above you, crashing onto what should have been the roof of the train, items pelting you, bouncing off and crushing you. Your cries of shock and pain turning ragged when it all rolled once more, going right side up, the kids and other survivors going through a similar experience, whipping around and around as it kept rolling and bouncing. The back end of the train had gone off the side of a cliff and falling into a valley under the tracks. everyone whipped around and around, till it crashed to a stand still.

Groaning you push up under a bunch of random debris, and try to focus. Leaning over and puking from the dizziness, you push away from the mess and look around at other passengers and guards pushing themselves out of the mess, somewhere bright light was streaming in. Fuck fuck fuck fuck, you have to figure out how to get one of there guns before they take control again. Pushing up, you stumble around people, some of them eerily still, twisted bodies and blank stares. Not all survived. Relief flooded you as you saw more and more kids scrambling to your side. “Quick, find anything we can use as a weapon.” urging them with a hushed voice, they scattered to fulfill your request. Coming across a dead guard, your quick to strip him off anything valuables. Shouldering a rifle over your shoulder, more children and some of the women came back, fight in the adults eyes, most of the kids holding something they could use.

“Hey, Yall get yer asses back here!” some fucker drawled heavy accented, and a look over your shoulder saw that they had rejoined ranks. “Quick, get out that hole!” You urge your group, scrambling back the opposite way where the light was, bullets whizzed at you, ducking just in time, it clipped a woman next to you, fuck it was the woman who helped you before, Sara. Sara cried out grabbing her shoulder. Grabbing her waist, you tug her to follow along and aim the automatic rifle in your hand, just randomly shooting behind you as she climbed up to fall out of the hole with a yelp. No one followed you as you to scrambled out, maybe for once luck was on your side, there seemed to be alot less of them then there was of you survivors.

Crashing rather ungracefully over the edge of the train car, you land in the snow, and blinded you try looking around, drawing in for the first time in 18 years, fresh air. It burned your lungs,the intense cold and just that it was so god damn clean. Looking around your surrounded by cliffs, and as your eyes go into focus you can see where you all went over the edge, snow still rolling down, and scattered around you was a few more cars, above one hung precariously over the edge. Fuck, how did you all survive that? “Y/N, what do we do?” What do you do? What would Curtis do? You all had never discussed being on the outside. “We have to get away from here, they will be coming out any second after us.” Everyone shivered around you, wrapping arms around themselves. The entire group surrounding you wouldnt make it for long without shelter and heat.  

“Curtis” You voice was soft, he missed that.

“Hey baby” He looked over his shoulder and smiled.

“Curtis” You looked lost to him, confused.

“Im right here Babes” He held out an hand to reach for you.

“CURTIS” Why wouldnt you take his hand?

”Babygirl, whats wrong?” Striding over to reach for You, his brows coming together in confusion.

“CURTIS!” Fear and Panic etched all over you

He sat straight up with a gasp, Yona falling back from where she had been leaning over him, her face a look of fear and shock, tears tracking down her face. “What the fuck happened?!” Curtis cussed as he wildly looked around, Timmy was rocking on his heels next to Curtis, and he reached over to touch the boy, make sure he was real. “Yona... wheres Nam?” The girl shook her head, and straightened from where he knocked her over.

“Wilford and Dad are not here. That guy and girl are, over there.” She pointed among the mess. “But they wont wake up, I checked.” Curtis moved to get up, wincing. There was something broken, just ribs hopefully. He wouldnt be taking deep breaths anytime soon. And then his gaze went to his mangled hand, Okay this is more serious. Wincing as he pulled his sleeve over it to protect it, it had at least clotted enough to stop bleeding but had no idea what the real damage was yet on it. Timmy just stayed rocking nearby, Curtis debating what to do, the boy had obviously been traumatized by what had happened. But at this point, there was more pressing matters. “Yona, grab that butcher knife” Somehow they still had it.

Going to a panel, Curtis inspected it and with the knife, they managed to pry it off, and tossing the panel to the side. Ahhh, bingo, Curtis tested the wires and finding them not live wires, he started to pull and yank them out. “Cut these, a good three feet at least” He stretched it out, and Yona started slicing back and forth. Right now his first worry was Matt and Claude coming around before they could be tied up. He probably should just kill them after everything, but Curtis was just done with death. At least for now, and if You ever found out he had killed your brother, He simply couldnt. Claude, well we will see what ends up happening with that bitch. You snigger. Curtis had to hide a bit of a laugh, apparently his imagination made you a bit dark.

Yona, well he would be royally screwed without the girl, she was nimble and quick with her knots, the two of them dragging the still unconscious duo to a wall, tying them tight and far apart so they couldnt help one another, Curtis finally sighed in relief. At least for now he didnt have to worry about them at the moment. Yona again came to the rescue,having found coats in the other car, wrapping her and Timmy up.

“Theres a way out in the other car Curtis, a few are outside, just... standing around. I think they are high still.” Her own eyes bleary, it occurred to Curtis she to was coming down from the kronoles and alcohol she consumed on the trudge to the front. His voice soft “Are you okay yourself?” She twitched a bit and nodded. “Just after effects, nothing I havent felt before.” Curtis didnt like it, but he had to trust her, completely out of options. Yona took Timmys hand and together the three of them worked there way out of the Engine, and the next car, well it wasnt much better off then theres was, completely flipped over, several dead. Curtis was still questioning how they even made it out. What about the tail end? You? The anxiety of not knowing.... A deep breath was drawn in, and made him instantly regret that, fuck my ribs.

Popping his head out, rubbing at his face, he took it in. Oh God your voice echoes, and before him, stretched across the blinding whiteness of where you all ended up, was just destruction, chaos, and more death. Twisted metal cars, split open to spill out its contents to scatter across the snow, it seemed like the end wasnt to bad off the further he looked down the line, but shouldnt there be more?

Wheres the rest of the train Curtis?

Were going to go find out Y/N, Im not leaving you out there alone.

Nearby there was a small group of people, most of them were hiding in heavy fur coats, and watching them for a moment, Curtis pegged Yona to be right. These fuckers are high as a god damn kite. There were a few though, that looked more put together, and Curtis recognized one of them, his eyes narrowing. Right now he didnt have any of the typical gear on, but it was one of the men who would bring there protein bars. Wonder how many you I got to deal with? Curtis sighed, fuck he was so tired suddenly. “TImmy climb on my back” He ordered and squatted enough for the boy to wrap his arms around his neck. Going to the edge, he deemed it safe enough and jumped down, stifling a groan at the jolt in his ribs. His hand, god that was just a steady throb.

Yona inched to the edge, her feet coming over the edge, and she slid off as much as possible till she landed on Curtis shoulder, his arm wrapping around her thighs to keep her from tipping over and easing down for her to get off. As he straightened the men whom he dared guessed were some of the guards came over, they were scuffed, but not bad off as Curtis nearly was, and he braced himself for the typical aggression he knew from them, but they all held up there hands in a peace sign.

“Seriously man, were not going to do anything.” Curtis took a step back from them anyways, keeping the kids behind him. Yona peaked around him warily, studying them.

“Curtis right? weve heard of you. Listen, we have to look for survivors, this group over here is kind of useless right now, and these cars might have people trapped.” One started, another picked up.

“Front, Back.... it makes no difference now, Theres probably not enough left to make it count.”

“Right... suddenly im supposed to believe you all have a good conscious?” Curtis sure as hell wasnt going to trust them, 18 years of entrapment will do that to a man. Yona tugged on his jacket, and he spared her a look.

“Good, they will help us.” He nodded encouragment, and his gut twisted. The girl hadnt been wrong yet, but his mistrust and instinct was still was over riding that. He trusted another, and betrayed everything he believed in.

Curtis she hasnt been wrong yet, shes special.

Alright Alright, he thought, holding out his uninjured hand, he growled out. “truce for now... we wont give you any trouble. Were making our way towards the back to check on our people.” One of the guards winced.

“The back? We were coming over a bridge when the train derailled. Honestly the fact any of this is still here is shocking. Im sure the back end came off the rest of the train and went over the cliff side. A fall like that in a hunk of metal.” The man shrugged in a im sorry motion “The chances are not great anyone in those cars would survive such a fall. The tail end, its gone. Any survivors will be making there way up this way.” He looked over his shoulder and sure enough, people were slowly coming in groups. “Slim, the chances are slim, but... maybe...”

Slim, the chances were slim, but... maybe... it was all Curtis heard after he said those words. 

@what-is-your-plan-today​ @curtisbbq​ @jtargaryen18​ @p8tn0lish​ @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

Dungeons and Dragons Loneliness

Another interview with lofi music. Today was a pretty shitty day, alot on my mind. Here to unload. 

Today’s mood: Fuck it all...

It’s a mad addiction, a horrendous one. It’s all I think about, it’s all I want to talk about. Or almost anything fantasy related. I’ve recently gotten a little closer with one of my co workers. Delerner Banks, everyone calls him Del. He’s always in the tunnel, and always brings warhammer books to read and do work (whatever it is he’s working on.) We talk about fantasy related things all the time, and sometimes we bounce ideas off each other, feeling out our thoughts of settings and lore. Talking to him about some fantasy before leaving work made me feel alot better. The loneliness inside has been eating at me.

I know it’s salt, I know its jealousy, that I’m mad at my friends. They been hanging out more without me, playing cards and shit. Its not a passion of mine, its fun sometimes, but its still not me. Its what they bond over, its what they do together, and that’s what theyre into. If I had to guess, they’re okay with Dungeons and Dragons, but even my best friend said that I take it too serious. Its fallen out of their favor, it eats up a lot of time, and they each have their version of what a fun campaign would be like. In me, I said to myself, “Fine, fuck it. I’ll have to assemble another crew to play with.” Tough situation then isn’t it? Wanting to play a social game that needs bodies, during an age where social gatherings are frowned upon, because they carry a potential to spread a virus... Still, this is what I want to do. I want a group of friends, who share the same passion I do. My current friends must think ill of me, they may just want to hang out. They think that if they come hang with me, I’ll want a game of DnD without a doubt. They just want to chill and kick it, they don’t want to roll dice. But ask me once and I’ll tell you yes twice, to playing DnD. 

I love it with all my heart, all of the contents and materials are here, ready to play. No extra investments, no money needed to be spent, we can get going off of nothing like we did back then. A table top roleplaying game, we started with cardboard and lego figures, and just two books to share. But there was fun to be had, and a few heated sessions. But fun it was, the more we played the deeper i grew fond of the game. I’m even willing to experiment with other systems if I have someone to guide me. With cards, you gotta constantly update your arsenal to keep up with the meta, and let’s be real, not playing anything remotely close to meta isn’t as fun. Different formats allow different decks, and to keep current you gotta keep up. I dont have the fundings for it, I dont have the luck. I would rather buy a module that’ll last for years, versus a pack of cards. I have two books that have skyrocketed in value, cards go up and down like stocks. But thats the appeal I suppose, I don’t care for it though.

Back to the thing at hand, I’m in their group chat as they make plans. I can’t be there for all that. But fuck it, that’s all Im going to say. Fuck it, on repeat, until its engraved into my head. Pride is getting the best of me, I refused to be denied again. If it’s not something they want to do, so be it, I need to look out for me in the end.  I must muster up the courage to start playing online again, the first one wasn’t bad, but it fell apart. I need to get the courage to be social, and get over the fear that everyone expects you to be a pro player. I’m scared going into this green still, roll20 isn’t my forte. But if I want to play DnD, this seems to be my only option. It may fulfill my wish, to find friends who are just as passionate as I. My other friends, they’re over on the other side. Its fine, it truly is, they have one another, and I need to be strong. I need to find the strength in this loneliness, even though its tearing me apart. My circle becomes smaller, thats just the way of the world. Adapt to survive, be formless like water...

Dungeons and Dragons, my greatest escape. I can be anybody, and do things I normally can’t. I can clobber up bad guys, indecent folk, and finesse my way out of punishment from the law. I can save a village, a town, a kingdom, when I can hardly save myself. I can fly, cast spells, break locks, imagination is my only limit. I can hoard and amass vast amounts of riches, I myself can even become a dragon. I don’t have to be me, although a bit of me resides in everyone I’ve made before. I can never truly separate myself, from those Ive breathed life into. For hours on end, I can go anywhere, do anything, I melt into the world thats placed before me.

 Because the reality is that I’m practically shit, and nobody. The world is fucked up and jacked up and spiraling down the drain. I’m mentally fucked and my physicality is pretty much the same. I’m stuck in place when the world is demanding me to change. I lost with no real direction. No map in hand, no guide, and I’m scared out of my mind. I don’t know whether to trust the process or commit suicide. Im not sure where I’ll end up, if it’s good or bad. Im struggling, I’m suffering, and there seems to be no end. I could say I’m trying, but I would be lying, if I had to look at the brighter side. The positive things in life are so hard to identify. But my emotions are raw and hit hard, slamming against the walls in my skull. Demanding me to give them attention...and attention I give them, as they tear me up. Like being pulled at by the limbs, drawn and quartered is the method it seems like today. I was thinking that I couldn’t drink forever, my body would eventually reject. But what if I drank energy drinks on end, a heart attack to get me out of this place. I can down those all day long, so whats stopping me from taking that way out of it? Less grotesque and violent, it’ll probably be painful as hell. An organ seizing up, as the body ceases the function. I get said thinking about it sometimes, but one day, enough will be enough. But damn that lady...damn her for speaking those words... Tomorrow. If nothing is better by tomorrow, then do as you may. But sleep it off, tomorrow is another day. 

It’s not verbatim, but its the gist. Just wait for tomorrow, and hopefully things will change. The choice is still mine to make, and something in me pushes me forward, keeps me going on. Sometimes I think about who I’m leaving behind, and maybe how much it’ll hurt. The evil darkness inside me says that they’ll get over it, they have to, and time doesn’t wait. I won’t be immortalized, I’ll simply end up a statistic. That maybe itll be a few years the sadness remains fresh, but wounds always heal. Discrediting my actual existence, and any form of relations. Like I wouldn’t have made any actual impressions, people don’t weep for me now. People kind of forget I exist already, what makes me think they won’t after I’m gone? 

I think about my folks, my grandma, my girlfriend, my second family, and other close dear friends. I think about how many last will letters I would have to put out there, before I call for the curtains. Sometimes, I say I will start writing them, but they give me pause. I end up not wanting to leave this world, after pouring out my heart. Because I don’t want to leave any questions behind for people who matter, I want them to know how I felt before I passed. I want to leave with them apart of me, so they would never forget. 

Still it doesn’t change, shit is rough as of lately, work has been eating me up. I feel like Im never hundred percent, and me back on gaming is making it worst. I’ve gotten back onto Elder Scrolls Skyrim, its been my virtual version of DnD. Waiting for the Outer World Expansion, so I can get addicted to that again. All I want to do is play Dungeons and Dragons, the question is how do I make that into a living? I think being a Matthew Mercer is one in a million, I don’t think I’m that great. I’m willing to learn, grow, evolve because it is my passion, but I’m always scared of making mistakes. To be one of the greater Dungeon Masters, to be THE Wizards of the Coast Dungeon Master, it may possibly be the dream. To eat, sleep, breathe, Dee en Dee. My obsession isn’t that crazy though, I’m still behind on the lore of creatures and settings, I haven’t studied at all. But with the right drive and motivation, I would, especially with something as real as a legit group.

Enthusiastic players, who show up every week, bi weekly, once every month even, to play this fantastic game. Group of chill folks who is willing to take the Dungeon Master Mantle with I get burned out and have the desire to be in the player seat. One of those is the driving force, they make me want to plan. They make me want to make the world, the style, everything in general better, with the constructive feedback. I mean it’s been so long as I was a player in a campaign until the end, I’m beginning to think paying for a Dungeon Master wouldn’t be so bad. Once a month? A couple of hours? I mean I’m thinking like seven USD per hour? Eight isn’t bad, but after that it becomes a questionable amount. It repeats in my head, “No DnD is better than Bad DnD”, this much is probably still true. I say still because I still might want at least one session with said game, so I can at least say it was the worst after having attempt it, rolling something. Ha ha, I kid myself, I’m lying because I know the rage would be all to real and caution is my game most of the time. But I mean, I just might have to start exploring the idea, I was definitely going to ask on FaceBook if any Roll20 games was recruiting a newbie. 

Alas, today won’t be the last time I speak on the matter, Dungeons and Dragons haunt me everyday. I stare at minis, I stare at the upcoming books and modules, and I watch youtube where they tell RPG Horror Stories, Its become a huge part of my life, such as dancing once was. It almost links right into my earliest talents...writing. I love to write, just like I’m doing now. Im fairly decent at the writing game if I must say. Hey, real life failed Bard here, I should make one who always ends up playing big bro, and end up being friendzoned by all his interests. Im short, so Halfling is very true. Am I charismatic? Who knows, I can’t say for sure. But yes, I feel like this is what I need, a solid weekly game, maybe once every two weeks, hell, once every month would still be great. Something to look forward to the very least, in this life of routine and mundane. Something to look forward to for me, something that’s my own. Something I don’t need my closer friends to be apart of, since they’re not interested anyhow. I’m really talking shit because I’m hella salty, but at least I’m being upfront. Get it all out now, before the typing is done. 

It’s been a productive session, I may have to attribute it to Lofi it seems. The Lofi Hip Hop Radio on YouTube, also found on Spotify. Some tracks still strike me deep in the chest, giving me horrible flash backs and feeling in my chest. Others keep me going, forward, almost propelling. I’m currently training myself to be accustomed to the sounds, because I at first was very scared. That it would just transport me to a dark place and keep me there. I’ve been trying to confront my feelings more with this music, I think I felt better after last session like this. The more I faced myself, the better I became. Yes, I most definitely referenced Persona 4, another amazing and loved title because of the message it portrays. I always wondered what my shadow self would look like, and what they would say. But eh another time, I’m about to start rambling again. I have to conclude here, before I get off topic.

Until next time Tumblr...

Wrote this for @amofbebbanburg

My amazing sister. Now it's not spell checked or anything I am actually recovering from wisdom teeth removal so super tired, alot of pain and falling asleep alot so bare with all my mistakes and fuck ups

Love you girly.

Also I do not own any pics or video.

*************

You were an actress for the hit show Vikings.

You got act along some some great people but theres one man in particular you enjoy working with..in fact you play his love intrest. You bare his children in the show and everything.... Alexander Ludwig.

You were madly in love with him and it seemed as if he loved u back that even the fans picked up on this during interviews or just when you both are out together or posting about eachother

Some where super sweet but others...were not.

Some wanted Alex with someone better in their eyes and some loved you guys.

You and Alex had basically became a couple but with no label

You knew for a fact he was not seeing ot talking to anyone, and he knew the same was true for you.

But fans decided to break you guys apart. They had no idea that you and him didnt have a label.

Some fans made fake edits that looked real but if you looked close enough you could see it was edited or they used old pictures and edit those to make it look up to date.

They posted them everywhere after you latest interview with Alex. (Think of the video of travis placing his hand on the glass looking like hes grabbing Kate's butt )

Alex had put his hand on the glass so fans blew saw it looked like he was touching your butt. You caught him and laughed while playfully pushing him and he pulls you close and kissed your head but kept you in his arms.

This is what pissed some fans off and the pictures where released

You and Alex had just finished an interview where they asked if you guys were a couple and you both smiled and just said

"We have alot of fun with eachother. Shes my best friend and I can share the world with her." Alex said

"And I feel the same hes my best friend and I share everything. My whole world with him. So take that as u may" u had smiled

After the interview you and Alex went out for lunch and then back to his hotel room to relax a while.

You both ended up in a heavy make out like normal...you just wish you knew what you and him were.

But you were not turning down a make out or anything more from him.

You guys did feel like a couple so maybe you were but no label. Maybe he assumed you both where together alrrady.

He eventually got up to take a shower and you scrolled thru Instagram.

That's when u saw the pictures

"Omg Am Is not who Alexander needs. He knows it too because he was caught kissing this beautiful woman and it's not Am" a fan shared some edited pics. Then u saw the video

https://youtu.be/4LRtL3x6HhU

You jaw and heart dropped.

It looked so real.

What if u assumed wrong..what if he only saw you as a fuck. What if you were nothing more than someone to be with until he could see this woman again....

Your eyes watered

You quickly wiped them away though. You guys never had a label so you can't be upset but you can stop this before you get hurt worse.

Alex steps out the bathroom after his shower and he drys off but stays naked.

"Hey actually I need to head back to my room. I'm just not feeling well and I dont wanna get you sick " you lie and stand up grabbing ur bag

"Hold up let me walk you" he says jumping up and throwing on pants a shirt.

"No it's okay Alex you dont have too. I can get myself there. No worries. Really don't wanna get you sick hun especially if ur gonna wanna see ur other girl after this press tour ends tomorrow. You dont need to be sick." U fake a smile and get out of his room fast an lock yourself away in your own room.

Alex stood there shocked. You said he had another girl....but he didnt. He only had you. He only loved you. No one else but you.

He sat on his bed and scrolled thru insta when he also saw this pictures and captions..he knew u had seen this but these where clearly fake. Because in these pics be does have his tattoo on hid arm and he has a new on that no one has seen b4 and hed use that to prove to you he loves you

He called you but u never picked up. He text you and you replied one time.

"Alex look I think you should finally commit3to your girl. Honesty if I knew you were seeing someone...I wouldnt have been with you. But I was and I fell for you and I need space know so we can be friends again later...but just friends...I wont the the whore everyone thinks I am by being with you. Because that's not the person I am. I had a great time with u Alex but I'm the one who ended up burned...goodbye " you sent to him and blocked his number and sobbed

Alex couldnt text you or call and he was panicking. He knocked on your door but u ignored it.

You refused to see him unless work related.

"Am it's not real....its just you...always has been and you'll see I'm telling the truth. He says and you hear him walk back to his and You sighed.

Alex placed back and forth until he made a choice

He went live and waited for enough followers..mainly you.

You joined but only for a bjt.

Enough to hear him rip a new one on the fans who did the edits

"I know the people who made the ed ih ts are here and in want to say. You guys are sick. Trying to ruin peoples lives just because you dont like a person you dont even know!

She was my girl...and I had the perfect woman..but because some fans hated that ymthey had to ruin things...I was going to show her tonight something special..it would have made us official but...we couldnt because sof you people who made the edits...Amqnda baby I know you watching ..please just look. " he says and he lifts his shir my his bicep (the other one)

Ut was your name in runes and u teared up.

" it's always been you...so come here babygirl " he says and ubbo ln red to his room and knocked.

He turned off his live and opened the door

"Alex .....you..love me?" U ask and he chuckles

"Yes baby. Only you..now come back I cant sleep without my woman next to me" he says.

"ur woman?" U asked

"Yes ur my woman now " he smiles and yall share a sweet kiss.

"I love you..only you" he says and brings u in to have a sweet passionate kiss.

You weren't sure how things would go in the future but right know its looking pretty damn great. Your happy where your at for now.

Winter Shabbos Licht

So theres this song by Macklemore called " Good Old Days" and something about that song gets to me so much. I always have been someone who loved cherishing memories. I would get my best friends photo mugs and photo gifts and actually I still have a photo calendar that my best friends got me for my 14th birthday and it feels as special now as it did then. I think memories are more valuable than things because all the money in the world can't buy memories.

If this time is a time for anything I think it's a time for sharing and kindness and just forgetting the past and focusing on the present and sending good vibes out and focusing on the shefa that Hashem does put in this world and how incredible it is that we had so much for so long and we didnt even realize until it becomes scarce because Hashem has a way of showing us exactly what we've been taking for granted. On a personal level I had that happen that lightbulb moment where all of the sudden I realized things mean so little and all that seemed to glitter wasnt gold and that I was being influenced by things that were making me into something I'm not. I was born a yiddishe hippie, a bais yaakov girl with a flower child spirit [just like my layla] who just loved everyone and everything. And I was like that through my marriage too and it was only after my divorce that I experienced things that changed me temporarily I lost my shine I lost my spark because I was mesmerized by shiny things. But shiny things are fake and I lost so many real things in the process so many memories I could have made with real friends who were my life. And I guess this time brings out nostalgia in everyone but it also brings out alot of past and alot of what we could have done differently and I think its human nature to wonder what if we had chose differently, done things differently changed the course of our lives. But then it's also at this moment we realize does it really matter anyways because like that song that I love says

" And I ain't worried about the wrinkles around my smile

I've got some scars, I've been around

I've felt some pain, I've seen some things, but I'm here now

Those good old days"

And I really feel that, I look at my babies who knayna hara are growing and teaching me things and I feel that way I feel like okay I made some bad choices in my life. I am human I was mesmerized by shiny things and got lost in them while I lost myself, my mahus, my essence the Malky who was just lighthearted and carefree and laughed at everything and just wanted to make people happy but Baruch Hashem I got clarity and I'm here now and I have two babies in my arms who say shema with me, and cuddle with me and they are my nachas. And I have the memories of when Layla was just born and the amazing girls in my life who were there for me through all of it through everything and something I learned and can pass on is that no matter how many scars we have no matter what happens to us no matter how far down we fall if we finally decide to change the course of our lives if we finally make that choice to get back to the person we were inside before we fell well we can get back up again and maybe even put some good back into the world in the process.

We cant control what happens in life and times like this prove that but we can control how we react and sometimes we dont handle what happens to us well we let it change us, dim our light and all I can say is dont let anything ever dim your light noone who causes your light to be dimmed is ever worth it and the world needs light now more than ever. Before shabbos when we bentch licht we say yehi ratzon and this week I know so many beautiful women with inner beauty and outer beauty will be asking Hashem for yeshuos and refuos for gantze klal yisroel as my bubby would say. And ladies it's by the hands of women that b'nei yisroel were saved time and time again "al yidei nashim tzidkanyos nigalu avoseinu..." and this time shouldnt be any different biezras Hashem we should hopefully see yeshuos and refuos and mashiach bimheira biyameinu because we need him now more than ever. Stay lit🇮🇱

An idea my sleep deprived mind came up with

After the stupid civil war, Tony spends more time making better suits and weapons for everyone.

Thor and Bruce had returned a year later saying Loki tricked them and had been working alongside their sister Hela who destroyed Asgard. Now they are heading for earth with Thanos. They're bringing the war to them.

So yeah Tony Stark became real busy. Especially since he had to not only organize Pepper and Natasha's wedding, but also bring the rogues back, attend SI meetings and make new products for the company to sell. Sleep left his dictionary and was replaced with more energy drinks and more coffee.

At least he had Shuri and Peter to help take some of the load. Those alphas are going to grow up to be the best the world has ever seen. Tony is proud of them.

A week later the rogues return, Tony manages to organize several different products and a few updates on previous ones to keep the board happy for the remainder of the year, get at least one new suit for each hero and all new tech courtesy of the kids (especially when Harley came over for a visit and got several new types of arrows organized), and also managed to get a 3 hour sleep on there.

After everything was done, a day later was the wedding. Tony had ignored the rogues, the paps and anyone else who he didn't deem family. It was pretty much easy as he mainly kept to himself in his isolated corner. It was better when it was nearing close to midnight and everyone was tipsy amd chatting away, he had left to return back to the compound.

A couple of days later everyone decided to do some training, well mostly everyone.

"Thor have you seen Tony? He should be here training"

"he has barely left his lab. Always looking for better ways to upgrade everything for when Thanos finally reaches us. None of us know exactly what Thanos is bringing so it'll be best to be better prepared"

Steve frowns before rolling his eyes and giving up. Ever since everyone found out about Steve's secret and wjat happened im sibera, Steve had been working non stop to seek forgiveness from his team. Ever since finding out from Thor and Bruce that Tony had been right all along he had been seeking Tony's forgiveness for everything. It had been a difficult process since Tony hates Steve and is terrified of Bucky. He Huff's as he starts training.

The next day is when everything turns to shit. Tony finally decides to join everyone for lunch when Loki Grace's them with his presence. All his attention had mainly been on Tony which made everyone nervous.

"what do you want green bean?"

"only to make the battlefield even"

"what do you mean by that?"

"we need to take Earth's greatest defender down a notch or two"

"good luck taking down Captain America"

"who says it was him?"

Tony gets sent across the room via green magic hitting him. He growls as he stands up. He drops a few seconds later as he has an urge to vomit.

"that should do the trick"

"what did you do to Tony?"

"a person can't fight if they're pregnant. Now hmmm who should I make the father?? Oooh I know"

That night Tony had locked himself away in his room not letting anyone aside from vision who can go through walls in. After a panic attack followed with a massive rant, vision had calmed him down saying it wasn't good for the baby.

"you'll work something out tony Stark. You always do."

The problem with all of this was that Tony was a firm believer in bonding with someone first before having a baby. He always had beta's to get him through his heats just in case. Now not only is he having a baby whose father is the winter soldier but said alpha is buddied up with boyfriend Captain alpha tight pants. How is an unmated omega sub (he was really into BDSM) meant to cope having a baby. All sorts of emotions and hormones are going to be kicking in soon. He was not prepared.

"those two alphas can go get fucked if they think I'll let them anywhere near me. I'll let them see the baby once it pops out but until then they can stay away from me"

"Tony maybe you should sit down and half a civilized talk with them. anyone you want can be there with you while you guys clear the air. After that maybe you could think about everything with a clear head"

Tony sighs as he lays down with his head om Jarvis lap.

"your right. I'm sorry about being closed off. I never meant to but I'm just scared and angry."

"it's understandable now go shower and we'll go and get the both of you something to eat."

3 months later tony is sick of everyone. They are too careful around Tony. Do everything around the house. Does the heavy lifting for everything. Makes sure Tony eats and sleeps properly. Banned him from alcohol and coffee. Amd have tried to push him to talk with the super soldiers. Everyone except Pepper and Nat who is always present whenever tony is alome with the soldiers.

Tony relaxes on the couch one night while watching a movie. He tenses as he feels Wanda's presence. She sits at the far end of the couch to start off with and then Tony feels a headache come on as she slowly slides down the cpuch towards him. In frustration he turns his head amd growls as he watches her eye his stomach.

"would you just hurry up and get over here dammit"

Wanda smiles as she slides all the way down. She slowly raises her hand and it annoys Tony so he quickly grabs it and places it softly on his tummy. They both jolt in surprise.

"did the baby just?"

"yeah I think they did"

"wow"

"I know right"

They sit there and watch a new movie while smiling everytime there was movement. They snuggled up laughing amd chatting away before they got into the serious conversation Tony had been holding off since the two met. Afrer crying and hugging they returned back to their original position and carried on watching the movie.

After the 4th movie played, Wanda in all her beta goodness tried to keep a tense Tony calm. It didn't take long to find out why he was tense when she looked up and saw a growling Bucky amd a worried Steve.

"get away from him witch"

"Steve take your guard dog and get out of here. She's allowed tobe here"

"tony I don't thi-"

"you don't ever think and that's your problem not mine"

Everyone tensed as Bucky's growling got louder as he got closer to Wanda. Wanda sighed amd looked at Tony. They have a silent conversation before nodding. Wanda gets up after kissing Tony's stomach and head.

"have a good night Tony"

"yeah you two Wanda".

Tony watched Wanda leave before glaring at Bucky who completely ignored him and sat on the couch and dragged Tony onto his lap. He was trying to figure out what Bucky was doing until it was too late.

"WHAT THE FUCK JAMES? DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST DO THAT? STEVE I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT GET HIM OUT OF HERE I WILL KILL HIM"

Steve rolled his eyes as he sat on the couch and nuzzled Tony as well. His had held Bucky's while they laid it on Tony's tummy.

"I'm gonna murder the both of you in your sleep"

"we need to talk Tony"

"you come in here, scare a kid-"

"she's not a kid"

"away, amd then mark your god damn territory! Seriously! Now I'm gonna be smelling like the both of you animals"

Bucky growled as he nipped Tony's shoulder letting out a "good" before carrying Tony back to his and Steve's bed where they lay claim and Mark Tony over and over again until their scents become one.

The next day while the soldiers sleep Tony heads over to Wanda's room. She smells him and says "oh no" before calling the girls. Food, drinks, chick flicks, games, blankets and a few other things come along as the girls have a girl's day in with Tony. Tony tells them what had happened and the girl pamper him which calms him down. He smiles as he gets a massage from Nat while Pepper is painting his toe nails amd Maria is doing his finger nails.

Tony tenses as there's a frantic knock at the door. May opens it up as Thor rushes in saying that Tony needs to head down to the medical bay quick. Tony and the girls follow Thor quickly and 10 minutes later tony is a mess again.

"Loki did this? I'm gonna kill someone real soon."

Turns out tony is gonna have two babies. Both girls. One belongs to Bucky and the other belongs to Steve. Speaking of the two, they rush into the room along with everyone else. Tony yells at them and then explains to everyone who didn't know, what had happened. Clint points out that Loki must have known what happened.

With much reluctance Tony allows Steve to carry him back to the super soldier room so they can cuddle some more. The cuddling turned out to be more scenting, more claiming, more marking. Tony says fuck it and bites Steve and Bucky's bond marks right back. Hard enough that they bleed for a minute before healing which shocks the soldiers.

"you want me? Okay sure. But I'm going to make it a living hell for the both of you. You wanna talk? Fine lets talk. Talking starts now."

Alot of yelling amd talkimg comes into play and everyone says what they need to say. Tears and pain come in but no one gives a shit as they finally clear the air. Tony makes an effort to let them know that babies and bonding doesn't change anything and they need to work real hard for his forgiveness and trust. They promise they will.

"do you also promise to not tear Wanda's head off Everytime she is near me?"

"that witch messed with you. She is still an untrained Hydra agent who has powers. No"

"fine I'll get her a tutor who can train her. I'll ask Xavier or Stephen to help out. Once she is trained then can we sit down for cuddles and watch movies eith the girls in peace?"

"fine but Friday will keep an eye on you guys"

"ugh fine"

Months later finds Tony go into labour while everyone fights thanos and his army. Captain Marvel comes in and saves the day and breaks Loki and hela from thanos'hold much to Thor's relief.

Steve and Bucky race into the hospital room and stand guard as they watch Tony give birth to two adorable pups. One with blond hair and another with brown. After Tony scents them, he passes them to Steve snf Bucky so they can scent them as well. They take the babies while Tony gets some rest amd introduce them to their new family.

As Tony falls asleep hr smiles at his mates knowing nothing will be the same ever again. It also didn't help that Bucky said they plan on properly getting Tony pregnant.

5 years later finds a hectic mummy Tony running making breakfast while everyone takes a baby each to bathe, change amd feed. Tony is pissed off because of his stupid mates.

"20! I HAVE 20 FUCKEN CHILDREN! 10 EACH! AMD YOU TWO STILL WANT MORE! AM I RUNNING A SCHOOL HERE! IM SURE THIS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL! I HATE YOU TWO"

"language honey. There are children around"

"and besides. We did say that our families were known for giving birth to more than 2 children at a time. We can't help that it probably double due to the serum"

"Steve was fine. I had 2 to 4 children. YOU ON THE OTHER HAND! I GAVE BIRTH TO 9 OF THOSE LITTLE RUNTS! 9 BUCKY! WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Bucky laughs as he walks over to Tony and hugs him. He places his hand over Tony's tummy and lets out a happy sigh.

"and I have 8 more on the way"

"and then it'll be my turn"

"it sure will Stevie. It sure will"

"I really really hate the both of you"

"hey! It comes with benefits. You aren't doing much work now as everyone else is having fun doing it for your and loving their Jobs, you are also hurt free, and have a proper eatinf and sleeping schedule."

"we also get to spend more time with you with lots of cuddling."

"I feel like if I wasn't an Omega then you guys would have just tied me down to the bed amd kept an eye on me 24/7 so I couldn't leave"

"if we didn't love the feeling of seeing you with our pups then that would have been a guarantee. Our kink? Pregnant Tony"

"even better kink, our Tony pregnant with our pups,,"

"now since breakfast is ready, eat up sweetie because we are horny"

"I'm five seconds away from fucking Tony on the kitchen table. Do we have to wait.?"

"well no"

"great"

Bucky picks up Tony who yelps and carries him away. Steve stands there and stares at everyone.

"right. I'll grab our breakfast and everyone can dish themselves out some."

Steve races to their room with food and drinks in hand....well on a tray

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

So when i watched death note in high school it made me curious about real japanese police work. I read about it alot and came to the conclusion that their justice system isnt too great.

Im currently upset that a coworker who i took as a friend - not only disliked me all along - but went as far as to lie about me to get me in trouble. That no one cared to hear my side. That i was fired on the spot. That people turned their back on me immediately. That no one cares.

Well. 17 year old me would have said. But of course. In Japan your guilty until proven innocent. That japanese put on a show but dont truely like most people. That they band together and will go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict. That they care more about a pretty appearance than solving anything. 17 year old me that only heard and read about Japan knew these things. 17 year old me imagined this cool different country that works because theyre proud of this... performance way that they live. And i was amused by it. All i knew was america and european history. I was so hungry for something different. I was so interested in different people.

Then I went to Japan. I got here and it was too similar to manga. How silly, i thought, those a comics - i didnt actually expect the country to be like those comics. And ive never really been able to place what that made me feel but id grown past this bemusement of different “alien like” people. Theyre just people who live in another country i thought. I dont like america and our norms. I know nothing but america but i dont agree with any of our steriotypes. You cant describe me the way most would try to describe a typical american. So why would people from any other country be different. Im sure theres people like the sterotype - but certainly more not at all like that.

And i got here and i watched the smiles on service workers slowly fade when they thought no one was watching. I watched children put trash where it didnt belong thinking no one was watching. I was girls laugh loudly and run around and yell at their boyfriends. I watched drunk college kids hollar and reak havoc in the city. Not robot people, not obedient children, not, quiet and demure girls listening to the men, not studious students worried about their reputation. Just people. The same people i saw back home.

And so i thought. Its the same. Different history. Varrying values. Same old people - judgmental and watching everyone ready to scold them if they deem it necessary.

But that guilty until prooven innocent thing. The fact that the old way of caring about your reputation is still a solid work practice.

These things. Make me feel like... i guess.... to my dissapointment. Maybe america really is more free...

I dont want that to be true. The us is so full of itself. Just like healthcare. I want universal health care to be a good thing and at very least in japan its not really. Its better. Its more affordable. Maybe their problem is just how much they hate drugs and thats what stops real care.

But. Ive always been a cautious person - i just dont want to get in trouble. But ive never thought id be in a situation i couldnt talk my way out of - because i dont do anything super bad. Maybe sometimes ive pressed the limits - but never outside of... like i drank underage. I tried to get into bars i wasnt old enough for. Ive dodged paying for the train fare. Dumb things. Things that the worse that would happen is i gotta pay it somehow or id get scolded. Drinking under age is against us law but its almost never taken too seriously.

But its occurred to me. Yeah. In japan it is guilty until prooven innocent. I really could have gotten in legal trouble for baseless allegations.

And japan is as racist and people say. Theyre friendly and try to talk to you in english and say nice things. And it doesnt seem like racism to a person from the states. Out racist look at you with digust. They wont touch you. They wont talk to you. They dont want to know about you

But here... it takes the form of a racist parent who grew up in the 50s and knows that theyre not supposed to be racist but still is.

Theyre welcoming and friendly to your face but talk shit behind your back. They ask a bunch of questions like (in america “where are you really from”) they refuse to accept you might actually belong. They constantly want to assert how different you are so instesd of telling you that your different - they ask questions or explain what theyre doing. And if you say ‘yes we also do this’ they react with disbeleif - what? No! You couldnt possibly get this - this is our thing and you are not us! And they constantly ask if you miss your home. Assume that you’re uncomfortable because they are. Also also. Instred of not wanting to touch you here - theyre much more willing to push you out of the way

Theres many mixed race kids here now though. I assume theyll have to do the same thing that happened in America. I havent met any mixed race adults but ive met plenty of white dads.... all trying super hard to assimilate to the point that they walk around talking like robots. Swearing that everything japan is great and they dont miss their home cointries at all. Pretty similar to the immigrants of america from when my mom was a kid.

So i still think at least for japan. Theyre way more similar to the west than they think they are. But these restricting regulations that they live by... really does make the country seem not as free as id ignorantly beleived it was.

It surprised me because their rules are so much like the way my great grandmother talked about stuff. And while were supposed to care... we just dont in the states. Respect your employer? Sure we say we do to their face but talk shit with coworkers. Worry about your reputation? Eh think im a bitch i dont give a fuck whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing thats right. Dont like another person? No one cares. Like that person or dont - it doesnt change anyone elses relationship with them. Make a mistake? Well if your boss fires you - everyone already probably thinks their an asshole cause generally mistakes are just met with some form of dickwaving belittlement. Pretty sure most of us get mad everytime we hear a story about someone getting fired because they posted a picture of them in a bikiki or having fun - most of this generation agrees thats dumb and has to change.

I feel more like an american now than ever. Americans are reluctant to change im told. Yes. I suppose we are. We might not know the rest of the worlds history but we kinda know our own. And as much as ive alwags agreed with the sentiment that cultures are different and thats just the way they want to be.... we used to be these ways but decided it was restrictive and controlling and mentally abusive and fought it...

Ive been reading more about the work culture in japan to figure out how he fuck this went so wrong. Apparently when young japanese people enter the work force, they cant even have friends as distractions outside of work because their boss will move them away from home.

Ive already read that japanese think suffering is good and seniority and witness first hand their preoccupation of appearing busy over actually being productive. Its just this constant performance.

Perhaps i did stress him out to the point of physical pain. I remember having a massive meltdown where i shook and it felt like my brain was melting after i tried so hard to be a good nice person. I did whag people apparently like. I changed myself to just agree with people and be positive and assume the best in everyone. Then my “friend” told me that i was a bad friend because i asked them if they would people drive their friends home so i could to sleep at 4am. And the two things just didnt click. I didnt go to sleep that night. I sat at my desk shaking for the next 5 hours and having flashbacks.

Im talkative. I talk as much as i do here in real life. And i have alot of questions. I talked to him a lot. Made him look not busy. I know he liked talking to me. I know he did. Thats why i got confortable talking more. He was always surprised when i asked him questions about himself but once he started answering he kept talking. Yeah. Its nice to have someone ask you what your thoughts are on topics. What your experiences have been. Did you like those things or not. I know japan it a group think culture - i guess they get there by really draining out ANY idea of individualality. He told me hed never been asked what he likes about himself. In the us were asked that constantly from elementary school “what do you like about yourself. What do you like about your friend. What makes you different?”

It kinda baffles me... questions and thoughts like these are so common in anime.... and obviously anime is popular in japan. Obviously obviously. Im confused how theyre watching these programs often with such deep meanings.... and not taking anything away from them. In the states our tv programs are always being restricted and stuff because they might give us “bad ideas” but they aren’t restricted here and yet... it seems no one takes anything from them

When i visited japan in 2013 i saw a teenage girl in huge heels lose her balance and stomp on a middle aged womans foot. That woman had already been standing like her feet were in pain and she made a face of being in so much pain. The girl rudely didn’t apologize and the older woman said nothing. She smiled through her pain...

And i also complained to my coworker. Not full on complaining. The small ones you make at work when youre not sure of the extent you can go to. At first he held off like the other teachers. But. Then. He started complaining back. It got to me not needing to be the one say an annoyance first. Like i asked how his meeting was. Other people i worked with might leave it ah it was a bit slow but necessary. And he started that way. But instead he started responding to me a succession of statements the slowly crept more toward his real feelings. ‘It was good... we didnt do much... or anything, i just sat and listened and took notes. we dont learn anything, it takes up a lot of time but we have to go. I dont like those meetings. I dont know their pupose... but were told to go so we must’

Whatever. Im just gonna keep rambling and complaining about this cause it sucks and is awful. Contracted woth my company i wasnt allowed to publically critisize japan. I imagine thats why you dont often find many things on the internet complaining. You will literally be unemployable if your name is attached to critisisms of this country.

Where as everyone can come to the states and tell us to our faces how much we suck and how much cooler their countries are. And generally the younger general is just kinda like - ‘you right’ people write articles all the time shit talking the states and we just go ‘ya we deserve that’ we do. Im not saying dont do that... but like... maybe just maybe. Were doing the good thing where were like

Haha call us fat! We are fat. We love us some mcdonalds. Hm.... why though. Actually we need to fix that. Why are people eating so unhealthy? What is the underlying cause of this problem? Lets try to work on that - and then we fight amoungst ourselves.

I like that... i like thay thing we do

In the states you might not want to become a ‘whistleblower’ and in some industrys you might get black listed for something dumb. But at least we talk about it and agree its a problem. In japan no one wants to even admit they have problems.

Know what else i told him. I talked about how were overworked in the states. That our work culture has gotten too similar to japans and we hate it. No one working 80 hour weeks thinks that they should have to do that. Of course i didnt go about it that way. I told him that my friends back home work 80 hour weeks and its unhealthy. That i cant work that much and refuse to. He i imagine counted how many hours he works and laughed and i said - oh haha yea i guess you also work that much. And he looked so much like he wanted to cry about it in the same way my friends back home. But said its natural in japan and that hes gotten used to it. But he definitely didnt mean it as he said it. I told him my friends say that as well. That i think theyre workaholics and i personally cant do it. That when work calls them they always pick up the phone even when they dont want to. But i dont do that. When my job called me as a server id ignore it and call them back later when it was too late for me to be asked to come in and ask them what they wanted.

Maybe to him my stories felt like when i read about students in europe being allowed to not go to school without reprucussions. It made HAVING to go to school evem more annoying. Why cant we choose to take breaks? I heard that place doesnt have homework - meanwhile im given at least 6 hours work a night! Not everyone has to do this? Other places learn things for fun?? They dont have to keep up with standardized exams that dont account for different teachers and school districts?? A 50% in that country isnt a failing grade???

Those were already shitty things but to read about them not bein universal did make having to endure it more upsetting.

Doesnt change that im stoll upset with him for not saying anything to me. Doesnt change that im mad that he made stuff up.

Really me rambling on about this doesnt change my presepective on any of it. Im just bitching