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gardensandtaverns · 10 months

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Dev Journal: Day 2

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised to see some attention already on my post yesterday, and it makes me happy to see some people who are already interested. So I’ll start by saying thanks for the support!

Before I go over the developments of today, I guess it’s worth saying exactly how much time is going into this daily. My routine is getting to my desk at 9am, teaching myself Unity and C# through to about 1:30pm, taking about 40 minutes for lunch, and then Creation Kit from the end of my lunch to about 5pm, maybe 6pm on days that I don’t have anything going on in the evenings. Once I’m done with the Creation kit work for the day, I write, so that I can take screencaps without needing to restart my work environment from earlier that day.

So with about 3 hours of work today, what got done? The full structure is built! There’s no glaring holes into the void, though I did notice that a couple of my tiles are placed a few pixels into another, causing some graphical twitching, but that’s okay, and it’ll get fixed tomorrow while I go about furnishing. I also took the time to place a couple of detail items around, but honestly my brain is fried at this point so I’ll probably go back and do it again later. The only negative result from today is that the two-tier library isn’t going to work with the existing textures, but that’s alright.

So what am I going to show you today? Well... everything. All of the rooms in their minimal state, and maybe I’ll write a brief blurb on the context of each of them and changes I noted to make for myself as I was walking around in demo mode. If you ride it out to the end, there’s a little bit of Skyrim trivia for you too!

The scriptorium will be the main vestibule of this construction. In its finished product, the center of the room will be filled with bookshelves in a classic record-stack format, while desks will line the walls for scribes and researchers alike to study, transcribe, and dispute the works contained in the Vault’s extensive library. While this place has long fallen into disrepair, more magical works like spell tomes, scrolls, or books of particularly important and interesting lore may still litter the desks and shelves of this room. I need to reorient a handful of tiles in this room to remove a couple overlaps, but otherwise it just needs to be detailed.

The laboratory may be a small space, but it was designed that way so the use of the space for long-term experiments was discouraged. The vault was not built to accommodate travelers for weeks on end, but to house them for a few days while they performed their research to take home to their own labs. Of course, some of the librarians held private experiments and studies that were more involved and time-consuming.

Opposite the lab are a handful of quiet cells, used by guests for sleeping accommodations or personal study. The northwestern cell is a communal bedchamber for the librarians, as well as a small section of the room used for the repair of degrading or damaged tomes. During my walkthrough I felt as though the guest cells, and perhaps even the resident cell, were a bit too large, so I may use different closing tiles for the far walls tomorrow before I start furnishing, or make the decision after I’ve furnished one. Also all of these cells still need doors.

This shot is taken from the opposite side of the Special Collections door, where few individuals were permitted. The entrance is off down the left fork of the hall, and to our back will be a reading area for these reserved or restricted titles. Down the corridor lies one more chamber where the head scribe was conducting some interesting research into... well, now, I can’t give everything away, can I?

I suppose that covers everything for today! Tomorrow likely won’t be as long-winded, nor have so many pictures, but I hope you’ll continue to enjoy it regardless. Now, I made a promise of trivia. It’s something I learned today while testing.

Did you know that the standard character in Skyrim, if you were to travel to another map location via the coc command from the main menu instead of loading/beginning a save, is a Nord with iron armor, an iron shield, the iron one-handed weapons, a longbow, and iron arrows - much like the promotional character from the trailers all those years ago? It also means those pesky Imperials took the armor off your back when you got caught up in that ambush. Just another reason to side with the Stormcloaks, I guess.

#skyrim #modding #level design #game development #video games #modded skyrim #dwarves #bookcore #library #magic #die imperial scum #for ulfric #for skyrim #make talos worship legal again

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t-lostinworlds · 3 years

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So for the youtube thing if you want to you can do a calling him Daddy for 24 hours prank thing? Or maybe just write a small blurb, please? I have seen videos like these on youtube and honestly would find it hilarious if Tom was featured on it and where he doesn't have a daddy kink so he gets embarrassed. Just a little blurb will be okay too!

Ps. I love the YouTube Channel series! And your writing!!❤

Stay happy and stay safe!💫

TH’s YouTube Extras: Calling Him Daddy Prank

a/n: i’m sorry that this is a bit late again hun but gosh you’re too sweet, thank you lovely! you stay safe too hun ❤ this was written quickly too, was going to post this an hour ago but i fell asleep while proofreading so i’m sure there’s typos still ahaha. hope you enjoy!.

☰ youtube channel | recent video

-:-:-:-:-

"I'll go sit first. Give it a few minutes so he won't get suspicious," Harry whispered, grin mischievous as he clicked record on the camera he had on hand before treading towards the dining area.

Pranks have never been your thing, well, aside from the simple jump scares. When it's something you have to plan out or have to act thoroughly in, then it's always a pass. But as you got lost in YouTube, you stumbled upon a video of a woman calling her man "daddy" to see his reaction. You thought it would be hilarious to do it with Tom, especially when you already know he doesn't like to be called that, at all.

You're purely doing this for the laughs, to see that cute blush of embarrassment—or that pointed grimace of annoyance—that coats his face whenever he hears the word.

"Morning, Harry," you hummed as you walked in minutes later with a fake yawn.

"Morning, Y/N."

Tom was sitting at the head of the table, eyes on his phone while he sipped on his morning tea. He gave you a brief glance and a tender smile before his eyes were back on his device, probably reading an important email that had him and his mind properly preoccupied. You stood behind your man once you reached him, leaning down to wrap your arms around his broad shoulders, giving him a light squeeze as you hummed,

"Good morning, daddy."

Tom choked on his tea.

You bit the insides of your cheeks to stop your laugh from escaping. He set the mug down with coughs to clear his throat, turning his head to gawk up at you with his brows deeply furrowed, skin already dusting pink. You only smiled innocently in return, placing a swift peck on his cheek before pulling away completely and disappearing to the kitchen, not giving him any chance to confront you about it.

Tom looked at his brother across the table with a frown set on his lips. "Did you hear what she just said?" he asked, to make sure if he heard you right or if his brain was playing games with him.

Harry tore his gaze from his phone, seeming clueless when he shook his head no.

"Hear what?"

***

You were now sitting in between Tom's legs, your back against his toned chest as you're both sprawled on the grass outside, all of you lounging under the afternoon sun.

"I need a snack," Tom announced, tapping your shoulder so he could stand up, dusting his sweatpants once he did so. "Want something love?"

You gave Harry a discreet glance, checking if he was recording before saying, "Just water, please daddy?"

Tuwaine and Harrison's eyes widened, Harry hurriedly shooting them a discreet look, silently telling them to stay quiet as he gestured towards the camera. The two boys got the drift real quick as they acted like they hadn't heard anything.

Tom visibly shivered, looking down at you with a scrunch of his nose as the crease between his brows deepened, skin turning red from the tips of his ears to the apple of his cheeks.

"Thank you, bubba." You beamed at him innocently, throwing in his favorite pet name to reel it back before he gets suspicious.

You looked too sweet and adorable that Tom could do nothing but roll his eyes. "No worries, darling," he sighed, head shaking as he retreated back inside the house to get you your water without another word.

***

Camera unnoticeably set up on the coffee table, you sat down on the living room couch and waited. As expected Tom came in soon after, never being able to be far from you for more than five minutes.

He sat himself closely beside you, a lazy smile on his lips as he wrapped his arms around your form. You were quick to catch on that he was in a mood, brown eyes slightly hooded, his touch hot as he gave your waist a squeeze. He was about to dip his head to litter your neck with kisses but with the camera right across you, it wasn't exactly ideal to allow it. So, you said the word you know would put him off.

"Daddy, no."

Tom physically cringed as he swiftly pulled away, arms falling limp with his face twisted in a proper grimace. "Stop that," he said firmly, voice laced with annoyance.

"Stop what?"

"You know exactly what," he growled lowly, raising a brow at you in pure warning.

"I don't think I do, Tom," you said naively, flashing him an adorable pout and a tilt of your head to match.

Tom was about to say something when Harrison suddenly walked in.

"Mate, can you help me with my table for a sec? It's wobbling and I can't figure out why."

"Yeah, sure," Tom muttered, narrowing his eyes at you before getting off the couch and following his best friend.

Once he was out of sight, you dropped on the couch with a hand over your mouth, unable to hold your laughs anymore as you shook your head in utter amusement. You sat back up with a loud sigh, shooting the camera a thumbs-up before reaching over and turning it off.

***

Harry had set up a GoPro in the kitchen when Tom suggested he was going to cook dinner tonight. You left him alone with his task for roughly about ten minutes, just to make sure his mind was clear from you calling him daddy for the past couple of times.

He was peeling some potatoes when you emerged in the kitchen, your hand landing on the small of his back as you rested your chin on his shoulder.

"What're you cooking daddy?"

Tom flinched, eyes screwing shut as he blew air out his nose, your cue to step away slightly.

"Okay, that's it," he hissed, dropping the metal peeler on the marble with a clang as he turned to face you fully, arms crossed over his chest with his hip resting on the edge of the kitchen island. "What are you doing?"

"What?" You furrowed your brows at him with a small frown, feign innocence crossing your features. Tom shook his head at you with a dark chuckle, tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth.

"Don't act all innocent on me now, Y/N," he scolded, and with the glow in his eyes—as if him calling you by your name isn't enough—you know he was getting annoyed. "You've been calling me that since this morning, even in front of the boys and I've had enough of it. You know how I don't like that word in that context."

You pursed your lip to stop your smile. "What word?" you asked.

"The D word," he grumbled, shooting you a sharp look.

When you said he didn't like it, you were truly serious about it. Tom being unable to say it himself just goes to prove that point.

You tilted your head at him, a teasing smile erupting on your lips as you purred, "Daddy?"

Tom ran a hand over his reddened face as he growled, "Y/N, I swear—"

You burst out in a hearty laugh, Tom's demeanor changing from annoyance to downright confusion.

"Say hi to the camera Tom," you giggled, pointing towards the corner where you can make out the red blinking light. Tom whipped his head around, eyes landing on the small black box, one he didn't notice given that he was a bit busy.

Tom's whole body slumped when he turned back to you, slowly leaning forward until he was able to wrap both his arms around your waist, forehead landing on your shoulder so he could hide his face.

"I hate you," he groaned dejectedly. "I knew it had to be some kind of prank since we've already talked about that word."

"I couldn’t resist. Your reaction is just priceless whenever you hear me call you that word," you teased, Tom pulling away with a pout.

Escaping his grasp gently, you went over to the GoPro, holding it up so both of you were in shot. "Ha, got him! Until next time guys!" You waved with a bright smile, Tom doing the same but with less energy and a roll of his eyes. You turned the camera off and placed it on the counter before walking back to your man.

"But you do know how I liked to be called, right sweetheart?" Tom hummed, eyes darker, voice lowering a few octaves as he wrapped his arms around your waist firmly, moving you back until you were trapped between him and the kitchen island.

"Yes, I do," you breathed out, hands resting on his shoulders as you felt your body tingle from head to toe. Your bottom lip got caught between your teeth when Tom raised a knowing brow at you.

"Yes, what?" he prodded with a husky growl, eyes holding yours with that certain intensity, a familiar glimmer, one that always makes you submit so easily.

"Yes, sir."

"Good girl."

-:-:-:-:-

like, reblog & leave a comment if you enjoyed! tell me your thoughts! <3

♛ Overall/Everything Taglist: @theunwantedomega @badreputatiom @fallinfortom @disneysamara @avengersficwriter @musicalkeys @apatheticanvas67482 @camimndess @tom-hlover @jjandreidsgirl @blossomparkers @thenoddingbunny-blog @sarcasticallywitty15 @call-me-baby-gir1 @miraclesoflove @tanakaslastbraincell @itstaskeen ♛ Tom H. Taglist: @hollandfanficlove @averyfosterthoughts @2018shawn @darlingspidey @namoreno @spacebitch2 @hollanddolanfangirl @keepingupwiththehollands @in-a-lot-of-fandoms-tbh @unbelievableholland @kittenruby @sunkisseddreamer @worldoftom @quaksonhehe @big-galaxy-chaos @clara-licht @dummiesshort @imanativeofswlondondahling @sonofabitchstyles @perspectiveparker @geminiparkers @parker-hollandx @arivera-30 @rebekkah4766 @particularnarry @iwannabekilledtwice @prettyintopeerpressure @fancyxparker @givebuckyhisplumsnow @asoftie4bucky @dandelionxgal @peterspideysstuff @zspideyy @lmaotshollandd @sluttytears ♛ Tom’s YT Shenanigans Taglist: @greatpizzascissorstaco @rosiesimone819 @shawnscxlvins

#tom holland #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland imagine #tom holland fluff #tom holland blurb #tom holland drabble #tom holland one shot #tom holland reader insert #tom holland request #tom holland x reader #tom holland x female reader #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x youtube #my writing #thyt: extras

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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 4 years

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Idk about the singer but we all know Cal loves some stupid memes, so what if it's just like stupid Twitter replied between Cal and her because they know even with time zones it's fun to wake up to stupid memes

Thanks for the suggestion! I’m combining this one with another one:

hi i love ur writing sm ! could u do a blurb where y/n has been getting a lot of hate from the fans and calum comforts her and stands up for her ?

Hope you enjoy!

Here’s part one, two, three, and four. This is the Distance series on my masterlist!

If you have any suggestions for this series, please send them my way! I’ll use as many as I can while still progressing the universe along as well!

__________________________

It’s really hard to say goodbye. Who else is gonna play with his hair and who else is gonna beg him to be lazy and watch movies all day and they don’t even even watch movies and wind up laying next to his pool to gaze up at the sun and talk about the universe. And who’s going to sit with him at too damn early in the morning snacking on ice cream that they were supposed to be saving for tomorrow but it’s tomorrow anyways, so why not have it?

“I’m gonna flood you with stupid memes,” she promises, sunglasses pushed up into her hair and gazing up into the not fully dawned morning sun that casts about Calum. The airport’s not as easy as when she first arrived, but there’s still the distinct hum of wheels rolling over concrete and the sound of planes breaking the barrier between sky and earth.

“If you don’t, I’ll be sad,” he punctuates the sentence by rolling out his bottom lip.

She gently reaches up to tap the end of his nose. “None of that. No sadness. Only memes.”

Calum laughs, but nods. “Only memes.” Their hug is long, inhaling again the scent of his almost faded cologne and Gain laundry detergent. And Calum can catch the citrus of her body wash amongst the hearty layer of his own detergent. But it smells so right on her. In the embrace, Calum wants to tell her she will be missed, that it’s going to suck not waking up to her morning face, all pinched up and eyes barely opened. “Let me know when the plane lands and when you make it home. So I know you’re safe,” he whispers instead.

“Of course.” It’s on her lips, the I miss you, but she holds it between her lips and behind her teeth. She holds onto that because she doesn’t want to burden Calum. Her fingers trail up his back and into the nape of the not fully brunette and just barely blonde strands. She knows her fingers are gonna miss this.

True to her word, when she makes it back home with her dog in toe, she lets Calum know that she’s safe. And not even a couple hours later, right before bed for her, Calum sees that she’s tweeted at him. It’s a 5SOS meme and Calum chuckles, before responding with his own.

The thread expands every day, more and more of their replies are just memes with no context, memes that they know the other person will get, memes in tweets and threads that aren’t even related to the original thread. And God, it makes Calum miss her laughing in his ears even more. He pictures her on his couch and her curled up next to Duke, but giving him his space.

While she loves sending the memes, she almost dreads opening up Twitter. Most people are nice, but some of just nasty. They attack her for everything and nothing all at once. She’s sure she can’t even breathe right if they could have input on that. It’s just starting to add up, people telling her she’s using Calum for clout as her debut album is gearing up to release. No matter what she does, if she explains that Calum and her are genuine friends or ignores the hate, it just keeps flooding in, keeps piling on.

Calum sends a meme and the lack of a response in the day is concerning but not enough. But as the days pass, and they’ve slowed on the video calls just between his work starting in the studio and hers that’s been underway for a while, Calum knows something is up. So he tries to contact her, Call me when you get the chance. Need to see your pretty face.

Her reply is a simple, Okay. As the day starts to wind down for Calum, with no call form her, he knows it’s got to be right at the crack of dawn to her, but he has to figure out what’s going on. She answers the call after the first couple of rings. Her eyes are puffy.

“What happened baby?” Calum asks. His body is immediately flooded with concern and he’s almost tempted to get on a flight right now.

She explains everything, all the tweets that are basically calling her an attention whore and a clout chaser and it’s just all becoming too much to handle. Calum asks what he can do, what they need to do to make things easier for her. At first, she just rants about how unfair it is and because it’s really just because she really likes Calum and his company and she wants to make this a thing but there’s distance and she does not ever want to be seen as using Calum’s fame in her favor.

Calum just listens and he can tell by the bags under her eyes that she hasn’t slept a wink. So he encourages just to rest and thankfully, she doesn’t have anything important to do. So once the call ends, they agree maybe they interact a little less on social media on their professional accounts, most of the social media interactions were on their private accounts, just so it was more protected. But every so often, she posted about a care package, or about the bands achievements and Calum posted about her second single, to help promote it of course, but also because he really did love the music she was making and the stories she had to share. But if it helps ease some of the anxiety to do that less publicly, Calum has no issue dialing that back.

But then he can’t sleep that night. It eats away at him that people would be so nasty towards her and he wishes he could do more than just console through a screen, but he knows he’ll do what he can--no matter what it is. Please know your words have weight. Whatever you say can seriously affect the person on the other side of the screen. Be kind, choose words carefully.

He truly wants to say more, he wants to use her name but he doesn’t want to add more fuel to the fire, doesn’t want to go against his word that he gave her. So he settles for that and though, sleep comes in waves, he tries to find peace in knowing he’s doing the right thing.

When she wakes, she doesn’t bother with social media, finishes up her evening, gets ready for bed. She sees the text from Calum and attached is a video of Duke walking around in a Christmas sweater. Because I know you love Duke and Christmas. Keep your chin up, buttercup. It’s all gonna be okay.

Thank you, Calum. It means a lot. She waits, fingers toying on the idea of saying more. There will always be more to say, like it really does make her feel heard and listened too and respected, and she misses him. God, she misses him.

-H

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cozyteez · 4 years

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Hii, do u have any tips for writing fics?? I’m so used to writing research reports, lab reports, and formal essays that creative writing has become something I really struggle with. I guess it’s having the freedom to write anything and not knowing how to make sure it’s not corny. I tried outlining a fic one time but it was so frustrating LOLOLOL. Anyways, I love your ateez fics. They are so cute and creative!!

hi !!!! im like rlly touched u asked me and i feel u actually that's why i started this blog; im a biomedical engineering major so as u can imagine i dont get to take much creativity with what i write because writing papers and reports and proposals are so formulaic and u gotta stick to the facts so that being said i actually tested out of all my college writing classes so all my writing knowledge is from ap english in hs lmao so take it w many grians of salt

the #1 thing i do when im feeling sort of unmotivated about a story or maybe like like dragging myself thru mud to write it is to just write the "fun" part first. to me the fun part is usually the climax or maybe the like the "wouldn't it be cute if..." moment that came to mind that inspired me to write a blurb in the first place! then usually once i sort of get the ball rolling on that my brain will help me out and keep the momentum going by thinking of maybe "oohh okay maybe this can happen next" or "oohh and what if this led up to it" or !! just stop there !! something ive learned from my mx writing blog which is like a year older than this one was that you don't owe anybody context especially for a blurb so maybe it really is just 3 sentences of a cute moment u thought of like its whatever ur the one writing it

now for longer fics im going to be honest jongho's first love is my first and only completed attempt at a multi stage coherent story. and that was fueled purely based on the fact that when i look at jongho he just gives off sort a really excited sort of innocence that i wanted to further explore and personify through the idea of him experiencing love for the first time but even then i really struggled w the last part because that's where my personal experience stopped and i had basically nothing to go off of because ive never been in love so i did have to kinda wait for ideas to come to me. for prince yunho i have posted 4 chapters but have all the way through chapter 15 drafted. and by drafted i mean it's like 3 sentences of the overall idea. again, the fic was inspired by the duality between yunho's on stage vs. off stage persona where if somebody was to watch an ateez performance for the first time they may find him very serious and maybe even intimidating but atiny would know that his off stage persona (the one he choses to create for us anyways) is very silly and happy-go-lucky and approachable, which is why prince yunho is seen as narameth's strong and stoic pride and joy but in reality he's sort of clumsy but means well. so i let that and his relationship w xenia who is an original character (OC) sort inspire stories or interactions that i force into a plot line. so for example i believe when i first started thinking abt a prince au for yunho i thought "wouldn't it be funny if the first scene started out painting him as this strong and serious man and then cut to him choking on food or something" and that sort of inspired the idea of him being nervous abt the speech and then xenia came out of that because he needed a complementary character imo since i knew he was gonna be kind of one dimensional and then his backstory with xenia inspired other ideas and then one day i was sad and wanted a hug so that inspired a piece of the plot line and so on. so basically: let an idea or even an aspect of somebody come to you and just write it down, let it inspire other ideas. and don't be afriad to completely start over. i wrote a whole chapter for prince yunho and deleted the whole thing because i hated where it was going and started back from scratch. sometimes you have to revisit things abt your characters and their relationships with others to get a new idea. there's a story in every person and every relationship you just have to find the clues

here's an example of what i mean by "write the good part first". this is typically what the very first draft of a blurb will look like for me

((( blah blah blah basically its raining and y/n is sad bc wooyoung broke her heart two weeks ago idk maybe go into it maybe not)))

y/n is all sad and feeling sorry for themselves on the couch theyre past crying but still feel pretty shitty plus it's storming and cold outside. great

there's a knock on their door ofc they have the cliche "who could that be moment" even tho they lowkey know. we literally all know

so yeah wooyoung's there soaked in rain eyes puffy y/n thinks he's been crying

-this would be the "fun part". i'll fix all that garbage up top later or maybe even change it completely idk yet-

"y/n? i - uh. hi"

he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck while you crossed your arms over your chest, fighting the urge to close the door and walk away for good

"hi? really wooyoung? is that the best you can do?"

(((wooyoung does smth idk)))

"well i just -"

"you just what? showed up here in the rain after you broke my heart and didn't even bother to tell me why? this isn't some romance movie, asshole. you can't just come here late at night and expect to find me all sad and willing to take you back because i'm not. so say what you're gonna say so i can get back to my life"

your face was red hot and you trying very hard, probably too hard, to fight back tears. ((( idk talk some more abt y/n's emotions then what wooyoung is doing)))

"look, i made a mistake i-"

"oh my god! why did i know you were gonna do this. i just knew as soon as i saw you-"

"will you let me get a fucking word in!?"

well that was new. in the entire time you'd known him he had never raised his voice at you like that, your shock causing you to immediately close your mouth and fold your arms back into yourself (((make y/n seem more scared))) noticing your reaction, he lowered his voice back down and instictively reached for you, heartbroken at the way you jerked away from his touch

"please y/n, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to raise my voice it's just that i need to tell you that i regret what i did i regret breaking up with you so fucking much and you don't have to take me back i just need you to know how much you meant, no, mean to me. i still love you, a lot. there's not a day, an hour, a minute, or a single second that goes by that i'm not thinking of you"

"then why?"

your voice was small and wavering, your tears now dangerously close to spilling down your cheeks

"why what?"

"why did you break up with me like that, just all of a sudden"

he pushed his hands into his pockets and looked away

"because that morning i woke up before you and when i looked at you asleep next to me, i saw myself spending the rest of my life with you and it scared the shit out of me"

"why did it scare you?"

"because i just figured you didn't feel the same. i was selfish and wanted to save myself heartbreak down the line and so i told you i didn't wanna be with you anymore, but that was a mistake because it turns out i can't function with out you, i can't breathe without you i can't live without you, y/n. i shouldn't have let you go"

tears were now freely flowing down your face (((okay brain no work anymore y/n kisses him duh and then ofc they make up wooyoung prob says smth cheesy and y/n is like ur lucky i love you or smth ahaha the end)))

tl;dr -> don't be afraid to get messy. creative writing is not nearly as structured as academic/scientific writing. write whatever u want first it can even be the middle of a huge fight scene or some dialogue u think is funny. if ur stuck read what you have or maybe just take a break and let an idea come to you. a story doesnt have to come together til the very end so it can be as messy and out of order as u want until u wanna post it. also i would always use the third person omniscient point of view for a longer story like a chaptered fic as a default and only change if it would impact the plot in a negative way. this is where the narrator knows what every character is thinking/feeling and im p sure a teacher in middle school told me it was the easiest to write and follow

#sorry i got carried away #also rmbr how i was like my brain cant stop imagining dramatic and disgusting love confessions in the rain? i meant like that #it's so chessy ik 😔 bleh #amanda talks

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jiminspjm · 5 years

Text

Affinity - K. Namjoon

Jimin x Reader ft. Yoongi & Guk

Genre: Fluff, (It get’s a bix smexy)

Warnings: None!

Word Count: 3k

NOTE: I know this is a Joon blurb but I wanted to post it on here just incase y’all don’t follow my side blog @jhopejoon ;) I will keep this up until like next week around my birthday ishhh? Also this is based on a personal experience but I twisted it a bit so I can have it fit the context hehe.

Dedicated to @guksthighs who is an amazing person and writer! go check her out and her ‘rapunzuel’ story which she is posting today! it’s a Taehyung one uwuw, I love u keke <<<3 (also moodboard is by meee hehe)

Lazily, you twirled the plastic straw in your daiquiri- the substance was practically watered down now due to you neglecting it. Sighing, you rested your hand in your palm as you looked at the guests mingling around the wedding reception. Everyone was already a bit tipsy- you could hear your aunt loudly talking over the music. The autumn air blew a bit, making the lace of your dress swish by your ankles.

“Sweetie, why don’t you come to the photo booth and take some pictures?” you laughed at your mother’s wine drunk state, as she leaned into you. You could smell the pungent odor of the overly expensive alcohol linger on her breath.

“Nah, mom maybe later. I already went twice with Yoongi and Guk.” you sighed, referring to your Older Brother and Cousin. Your mom hummed behind you leaning into kiss your cheek.

“Okay dear,” she sing-songed as she sauntered away, stumbling slightly in the grass. You wiped away the residue of lip gloss that was left on your cheek, and groaned a bit. Pulling out your phone from your clutch the time read 5:53 pm.

I’ll go back to the room at 6. You thought to yourself as you downed the last of your drink.

“Whoa there sis, don’t you think it’s a bit early to be getting drunk?” a deep voice chuckled behind you. Grunting, you put the glass down on the table a bit hard.

“Yoongi, if you don’t shut the fu-,” Yoongi squished your cheeks with his hands making your mouth form the resemblance of a fish. He hummed and grinned at you, the bitch was mocking you.

“Now now,” the platinum blonde chided, releasing your cheeks and sitting back into the chair, “I know damn well, you have been eyeing Namjoon like you want to choke on his big, thick coc-”

“Yoongi!” you shouted at him, cheeks blazing with pink. He leaned back in his seat, circling the rim of his wine glass grinning at you. He clinked his engagement ring along the ring on his thumb and ‘tsked’ at you. Scowling at him you stuffed your face with the rolls that were in the basket on the table.

“__, it’s okay you know,” Yoongi said looking at you with teasing eyes. You glared at him through puffed cheeks filled with fluffy dough, swallowing a bit roughly before speaking.

“It’s not Yoongs, mom and dad are practically begging me to be in a relationship, I mean I am only 22 for Christ’s sake,” you vented to him picking at pearls that laced the linen table cloth. Yoongi eyed you, and you knew why. It’s not that your older brother pitied you, he just knows that you’ve always been insecure when it came to relationships.

“Sis, I don’t know why you’re scared to date you aren’t that ugly-,” he yawned bringing the wine glass to his mouth. You threw a half eaten roll at him as he brought the glass down from his mouth. He caught it with ease, “Thanks I was getting hungry,” he winked at you shoving the entire roll in his mouth.

“Don’t be a dick,” you hissed stealing his wine glass and taking a sip. He barked a laugh, the silver in his ears tinked together softly. He chewed the roll in his mouth about to steal his glass back when someone interrupted you.

“Min Yoongi! Can you please stop harassing your sister or I will personally chop your dick off!” You looked behind you to see your best friend Jess- in all white. She held a wine glass in her manicured fingers, her wedding band tinking against the glass as she slapped Yoongi on the head with her shawl.

“Yah!! Woman! Stop hitting me- Ow!” Jess, continued her assault as you sat there and continued to drink.

“Yoongs, what did you do for my wife to hate you?” as you once again turned around to see your cousin Jungkook saunter up behind you. He grinned at you and leaned down to peck your forehead. You swatted him away as you downed Yoongi’s wine.

“Hey, Jess, darling, can you please not assault my best friend?” Jungkook said after taking a swig out of his beer bottle. Jess looked up from hitting Yoongi, rolling her eyes she stopped and shuffled over to you. Yoongi rubbed his head whispering something between crazy bitch.

“__! As much as I hate to agree with your idiotic brother, he’s right. You have been looking at Namjoon for awhile now.” Your best friend consoled you as she sat down in the chair on your left.

Wincing upon hearing his name again you sighed. You looked up discreetly to see Namjoon laughing with some of the guests. Ironically enough- you were both part of Jess and Jungkook’s wedding party. You two even walked down the aisle together. But you never had the guts to ask him out or anything. Thinking that he was way out of your league. His dark brown hair looked soft, and the richness of his tan skin made him stand out in his grey tux. The silver hoops moved with his head as he laughed- dimples out and everything.

“Jess you do know I am me, and Namjoon is.. Namjoon?” you spoke with wide eyes leaning towards your friend. Jess rolled her eyes and looked at Jeon and Yoongi. Looking at them as if she was saying c’mon guys help me out?

“Uhhh,” Yoongi crooned, as he swatted Jungkook on the back of the head making him choke on the beer he swallowed.

“Wow! Would you look at that duck, it’s such a nice color! Guk, let’s go look at it!” Yoongi said dragging the younger man by the collar of his tux. Jungkook whined but complied as he was dragged away.

“Idiots,” Jess mumbled into her wine glass. You snorted leaning back into your chair.

“Tell me about it,” you said rolling your eyes. Jess eyed you from the rim of her glass, bringing it down from her mouth she was quiet for a second.

“__, not to be that person, but Joon has been eyeing you since the ceremony. Also he has asked me about you a few times.” Jess said smirking at you while smoothing out the lace in her wedding dress. You looked down at your manicured nails and sighed.

“I know Jess, I think he’s cute and I want to get to know him, but like I said he’s Namjoon and I’m-” Jess squished your cheeks in the same manor Yoongi did.

“Hey stop it you brat, Namjoon would be an idiot if he didn’t ask you out.” Jess said sincerely, you looked her in the eye and rolled your eyes once again.

“I bon’t bow,” you attempted to say through puckered lips. Jess grinned at you and released your cheeks.

“You won’t know until you try, and you could either find out and something good happens- or never find out and never know, and in this case I don’t think finding out could be a bad thing,” she said taking your hand in hers.

A small ‘tch’ came out of your mouth, the words of advice given from her- were what your uncle always told you. She patted your hand and stood up, the dress swishing by her ankles. Winking at you she sauntered away, and leaning in to give your cheek a quick peck.

You tapped your nails on the table inquisitively, and thought to yourself as you eyed Namjoon again.

I hope you’re right Jess.

A few hours passed and you still haven’t talked to Namjoon-- besides the few glances that you stole from each other when one wasn’t looking. The reception now moved inside the quaint pub due to the Autumn weather dropping the temperatures, also being close to the ocean. Sighing for what seemed the one hundredth time, you looked at the time once again. 7:32 pm. Stuffing you finished your water and got up from the secluded table to go tell Yoongi you were leaving.

As you tried to maneuver your way through the drunk guests, your dress caught under someone’s shoe causing you to stumble forward. Squeaking as you tried to move a bit to prevent yourself from toppling onto people you already ran into a firm chest. Large hands caught your waist, as you stumbled forward into their grasp. Cinnamon and pine enveloped your body as you began to apologize.

“I am so sorr-,” Your words came out in a garbled mess as you looked up at your savior. Oh fuck. Namjoon grinned from above you, his dimples more prominent now that you were up close. Your mouth was slightly parted resembling a dead fish, at least that’s what Yoongi said.

“It’s all good love, are you alright?” His voice was rich, as if someone was dragging their body through honey. You blinked up at him, cheeks probably the same shade as Jungkook’s hair.

“I-I um,” Namjoon chuckled as he pulled you closer to him to prevent you from stumbling into anyone else. Large palm sliding against your bare back- curse Jess for making you; the maid of honor, wear a backless dress. You could feel the coolness of his rings glide up your back, to rest right above the swell of your butt.

“I am so sorry Namjoon,” you spoke without hesitating for once. Your hands were on his chest as you tried to maintain eye contact. His deep brown eyes looked so warm and inviting. His laugh was deep, he took a hand away from your waist and gestured you to the counter at the bar. He guided you through the sweaty bodies -- a palm placed over your bare back. Your cheeks were ablaze as you made eye contact with Jess who lifted up a champagne glass as she mouthed, Cheers.

You were about to flip the bird, when Namjoon’s voice caught you out of your thoughts.

“Did you say something love?” Namjoon asked as you sat down on a cushioned stool. Your eyes widened as you looked up at him, shaking your head furiously you closed your lips. You felt a bit awkward under his stare, the low bass of the music wasn’t helping much either. Looking up at him again he smiled at you and took a seat next to you, leaning his elbows behind him on the counter.

“Namjoon thank you for helping me, and I am also sorry-,” He turned his head to look at you -- his deep eyes melted into yours, as if he was saying it’s okay. You smiled at him, and turned your attention back towards the abundance of sweaty bodies dancing. After a few seconds Namjoon cleared his throat and began to stand up. You felt embarrassed that you weren’t able to talk to him without getting flustered -- and you thought he was leaving. About to get up and leave, Namjoon stood infront of you, a shy smile on his face as he held a hand out for you.

“Dance with me?” He asked with a hopeful voice. You parted your lips a bit, and smiled at him nodding. Pulling up the train of your dress, you placed your smaller hand in his warm palm as he guided you to the dance floor. A slower song began to play -- ironically. Veering a bit to the edge of the dance floor where less people were centered, he placed both his hands on your hips, surprising you a bit. Looking up at him, he had his full lip caught between his upper teeth. Cheeks burning - you placed your hands on his strong shoulders feeling the rigid muscles beneath his suit jacket. The music was loud, and made the blood in your ears thump.

Namjoon guided you through the beat, his palm sliding between the planes of your back, setting fire to the smooth surface. He kept eye contact with you as he pulled your body impossibly close to his firm body, your hips aligning slightly below his. Your hips hurt from the constant movements to keep up with the rhythm of the music. Resting his forehead against yours he licked his plush bottom lip as he swayed you from side to side.

Your breathing to erratic, as he slowly spun you so that your back was facing his- he guided his hands along the lace of your dress. You could feel his warm hands mingle with the coolness of his rings, as his hands settled on your hips and pulled you back to him. You gasped quietly and gripped his hands that held your waist.

You felt his mouth trail the side of your neck and up to your jawline, his plush lips were soft against your skin. Eyes widened you held your breath, as you melted into his touch. He hummed in your ear, as he continued to move you to the beat of the song.

“You know love,” he said in a low voice against the shell of your ear, “We did walk down the aisle together, so I have no idea why you are so shy,” breath hitching a bit you stuttered to find your words.

“I-I uh,” having no clue how to answer him, Namjoon chuckled and pulled away from your ear. Pulling you against him again, he pulled your hips side-to-side in a swaying motion, snaking his palm down the front of your taut stomach. You might as well just had sex with him right there. Tilting your head back on his chest, you got the courage to snake a hand up to his neck-- feeling his pulse and the slight stubble on his prominent jaw.

“__,” your ears perked up to the sound of Namjoon saying your name for the first time. Turning your head up to look at him, he smiled and spun you to face your body towards him. The dance floor was getting crowded -- noticing Namjoon guided you outside to the deck of the pub.

The cool air nipped through the fabric of your dress- shivering you pulled your hands to your arms as Namjoon and you walked along the cobblestone road. Namjoon stopped walking and removed his hand from your back, you stalled and turned around to look at him.

The full moon shone on his stature, illuminating the grin he gave you. You smiled at him, as you walked closer to him and unwrapped your hands from your body. Grabbing the lapels of his suit you pulled yourself on your tiptoes and pecked the corner of his mouth.

“Thank you for asking me to dance,” you murmured against his mouth. As you pulled back you could taste peppermint on your cupids bow, and the smell of pine enveloped you again. Looking up at him through your lashes, he gave you a toothy smile, his dimple winking at you. Taking a deep breath you smiled for what felt like the tenth time, shivering again you bowed a bit to him.

“Goodnight Joon,” you said quietly, looking at him one more time before stepping back to return to your room.

Before you could turn all the way around to leave, warm fingertips wrapped around your wrist and pulled you back.

“Wait,” Namjoon said a bit loudly. Startled, you looked back at him. Releasing your arm, he looked at you for a few seconds before he began to take off his suit jacket. Confused you stood there as the cool air nipped at your flushed cheeks.

“Take my jacket you look cold,” Namjoon spoke as he came closer to you.

“Joon it’s okay-,” He shook his head as he threw the slate grey material over your shoulders, and adjusted it. The jacket swamped your slightly smaller figure, he held onto the sleeves and looked at you.

“Perfect.” he said lowly. You were sure, you could have passed out right there and then if it weren’t for Namjoon pressing his lips against yours.

Gasping a bit, he tested the waters by pecking your lips gently. His full lips were soft, and warm. He pecked you again, pulling your hips into his as you gripped his shoulders. Namjoon’s free hand cupped the back of your neck and twisted the curled hair at the nape. His thumb rubbed your pulse and over your jaw.

You mewled and let your body seep into his, he sucked your bottom lip into his mouth and then went back to consume you. And oh did you let him. You shuddered against his hold as he sneaked his tongue to probe at the roof of your mouth. Nipping and sucking the plush skin of your mouth, you tried to keep up but he was overwhelming, intoxicating.

He slowed the ministrations on your mouth, as you whined. Pulling your bottom lip back once more, as he placed a final peck to your mouth. Breathing a bit heavy, Namjoon pulled away. The moon illuminated his flushed cheeks and swollen mouth. Forehead leaned against yours he breathed into your skin, as you tried to catch your breath.

“Goodnight love,” Namjoon whispered releasing you. Letting go of your body, he winked at you and walked back in the direction of his room. You stood there dumb-founded, and mouth tingling.

“What the..” you were confused as you sat down on the bench next to where you and Namjoon had your ‘moment’.

Pulling the jacket tighter to your body, you felt something crinkle in the inside pocket of the jacket. Furrowing your brows you stuck your fingers in the pocket and wriggled out a small piece of paper. In clean handwriting there was a note:

I’m gonna need that suit jacket back, love, in the meantime use it to keep you warm -- I’ll see you at brunch tomorrow, and hopefully after that as well. :)

xxx-xxx-xxxx (In case you miss me too much before tomorrow) ;)

K.N xx

You laughed to yourself, holding the paper in your palms.

“Kim Namjoon,” you whispered, cheeks warm.

“Kim fucking Namjoon,” you said again with a smile on your face.

#bts #bts scenarios #bts fluff #kim namjoon #namjoon x y/n #namjoon x reader #namjoon x oc #jiministaesty #bts imagines #bts fanfic #bts yoongi #bts jungkook

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nihilisticlinguistics · 5 years

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NOTT THE BRAVE PLAYLIST BREAKDOWN:

Shoplifting | The Slits: “Ah, the thrill of the perfect crime. Yes, Nott the Brave steals for survival… but let’s not kid ourselves — she also kinda loves it.”

Sam is definitely in full goofing form for his first song or two. It’s his favorite pattern--joke, joke, joke, twist. This song is literally an account of shoplifting, one of Nott’s favorite hobbies. The old strategy appears in these lyrics; Caleb talks to the shopkeeper, who “won’t suspect” while Nott sneaks various trinkets into her packs and clothes. As the campaign has gone on, however, we see her stealing less and less. As Sam once pointed out, it’s a lot easier to steal things when you can pay for them. At one point we see her mail a package of stolen baubles to Felderwin (A Favor in Kind); the next time she sends off a package, she simply pays for the types of things she wants to send off (Commerce and Chaos). There’s an adrenaline rush to theft, for sure, but she can get that rush by adventuring. The thrill of “doing a runner” is still there, but it’s been absorbed into the day-to-day life of the Mighty Nein.

Ugly | Violent Femmes: “Funny tune, but also how Nott views herself. Loudly, constantly, mockingly ugly.”

Sam’s little explanation pretty much sums up the point of this song on the playlist. Nott’s image of herself is complicated, even more so now there’s the possibility she wasn’t always a goblin. I find it very interesting that this song is from the perspective of someone else. Not only does the song speak to Nott’s view on her appearance, it also expresses how others treat her because of how she looks. The line “Ugly-- you’re no friend of mine” in particular gets to this idea that Nott has been rejected time and again for her outward appearance--see how Lawmaster Norda in Trostenwald reacted to Nott in episode four, for example. Although this song is also silly in tone, it’s still pretty revealing. It does make me wonder how Yeza reacted to Nott-the-goblin, and how his response to her (changed?) appearance affected her self-perception.

I Will Follow Him | Peggy March: “Meeting Caleb ignited a flame of hope in our skittish goblin. She quickly pledged herself to his protection and care. Where he goes, she will follow.”

This song is unquestionably a song of devotion. But devotion to whom, exactly? As we’ve recently seen, Nott’s bond with Caleb bears more than just a passing resemblance to her relationship with Luke. Nott has grown close with Caleb, her dearest friend and surrogate child, and will follow him anywhere he goes (though perhaps not anywhere after all, as we see later in the playlist). The lines “and nothing can keep him from me/he is my destiny” are standouts here, because they seem to represent what Nott sees as her ‘endgame,’ i.e., no longer being a goblin. Flip the narrative around, however, and we see that something has been keeping Nott from Luke, in spite of her best efforts and “trying to get back” but “not being strong enough.” It seems that in Luke’s absence, she hasn’t just transferred her protective instinct to Caleb but also her desperate desire to be with her child--one that has a significant obstacle attached to it, where until now, nothing has come between Nott and Caleb.

The Wizard and I | Stephen Schwartz: “Remarkably perfect song reflecting Nott’s dream of being saved by the magic of a wizard. Favorite line: ‘Would it be all right by you if I de-green-ify you?’”

Yeah...Sam’s blurb calls out the number one line in this song, for sure. But there are other parallels here, too. In the first part of the song, Elphaba learns that her own magical abilities that she’s tried to suppress might be the way she can get closer to the Wizard of Oz and eventually achieve her dreams. Nott, similarly, has latent magical abilities that Caleb has been teaching her and encouraging her to explore on her own, further strengthening their bond. Elphaba has been hoping to meet the Wizard (and by implication to be rid of her green skin) “since birth”--and if Nott was indeed reborn as a goblin with her adult memories intact, she would be in the same position. The lines “and this gift or this curse I have inside/maybe at last, I’ll know why” are also really interesting in this context. With the speculation that meddling with the beacon caused her to be reincarnated or transformed into a goblin, the idea that being around Caleb might lead her to answers about why it happened suddenly becomes a lot more possible--since without Caleb and the rest of the Nein, Nott might never have known what the Beacon, or dunamancy, was, and perhaps never would have heard about the reincarnation powers it holds.

I Got Drunk | Mal Blum: “Brilliant track about the monotony of drunkenness. Nott relies on her inebriation more than she probably should. But booze is always there, a steady, reassuring friend.”

“It’s just so easy when there’s nothing else to lose,” Blum’s first verse says. And isn’t that the position we found Nott in when the story began? Without a home, without a family, and with almost no hope left--just the chance that Caleb could one day be powerful enough to change her. The later line “I’ve got to drink ‘til I am dead or I am numb” points more to how Nott drinks to self-medicate or cope. She definitely seems to use the alcohol as a coping mechanism for her body dysmorphia, and the fact that drunkenness makes her immune to fear calls to mind the halfling traits that she lacks--or has lost. She drinks to numb out both her pain and her fear. Nott wants to “drink ‘til I get drunk, do something dumb,” and indeed, she does get seriously reckless and more impulsive when intoxicated.

Brave | Riley Pearce: “In this song, I hear less about bravery and more about trying to be courageous for someone else. This is a powerful driving force behind some of Nott’s finer moments. She’s not trying to prove anything to herself — she’s doing it for another person.”

It’s unclear if Sam’s referring to Nott’s past when he mentions “someone else” or if he’s speaking more generally about how Nott’s bravery depends on her being needed. “I’m just trying to be brave” is literally the entire chorus, and we see that in how Nott drinks to overcome her fears, but also in her presumed desire to become (or return to being) a halfling. We also get a hint at Nott’s fears in the post-chorus lines “It’s the body of water/that splits us right down the middle/I’ll be coming back for you.” The speculation that water might have played a role in Nott’s death (if that happened? we need answers) plays right to this part of the song--that water literally separated her from her family, but that she wants to come back for them eventually. Another verse says “to get home now would take something/that I’m not sure I have left,” reflecting how Nott said she “wasn’t strong enough yet” to come home, and how she said “I will be [alive again] too,” implying that at least for the moment she doesn’t see herself as fully “alive.”

Hotel Detective | They Might be Giants: “Being a small-time detective gives Nott endless entertainment, and has sparked a unique friendship with Jester, one she hopes will last forever.”

After that string of relatively heavy songs, Hotel Detective is another lighthearted interlude. After all, Nott and Jester’s relationship tends toward the comic relief. The lyrics are fun, and so is the tune. Lines like “if you’ve got a secret, boy/forget about it!” are pure Jester and Nott, and the confidence they exude even when they’re wrong in the course of their “investigations.” There’s another subtle line that jumps out at me: “she says she likes my face.” Jester, moreso than any other member of the Nein, insists that Nott is beautiful. While the rest are more realistic about goblin features and especially how they’re perceived by the public, Jester stalwartly sticks by her perception of Nott as pretty and feminine, and I have no doubt that insistence plays a role in how quickly Nott got attached to Jester.

Hiding and Seeking | Little Chief: “She is always hiding from the judgment of others… but also seeking their acceptance. It’s a tricky balance, one that Nott has not yet mastered.”

This song is really brief, but nevertheless there are still lines worth unpacking. “I am free to roam/there is nothing to fear” seems to refer to Nott’s sense of safety with the Nein; she doesn’t need to hide herself from them, and she doesn’t need to fear them. Nott doesn’t want to hide, but hiding is absolutely how she survives; she wants to be *found* in some way, but I suspect it’s more that she wants to be understood than literally discovered or tracked down. She may be asking “come and seek me” because she’s hidden parts of herself that the Nein haven’t paid any notice to yet--but now, I think we’ll see the rest of the party will “come and find” her sooner rather than later.

Psycho Killer | Talking Heads: “Nott may be anxious, but if you push her around too much, the little goblin girl might get set off. And then… it’s on.”

Sure, this is a song about Nott going off on her opponents, but there’s a lot of “run run run run away” for a raw combat-oriented song. I almost feel that a part of this song is a commentary on the party: “you’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything/when I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed” being a commentary on how the party often goes in circles rather than cutting through the bullshit. The bridge of this song is in French, and the line “je me lance, vers la gloire” [roughly, I’m going for the glory] sticks out in particular given that of the entire party, Nott has far and away the highest kill count.

Self Care | Mac Miller: “Tragic song by a tragic musician. Nott’s need to self-medicate could get her killed one day, but to her, it’s worth it.”

“And you can find me, I ain’t hiding” is interesting in contrast with Hiding and Seeking, where Nott is hiding in spite of her desire to be found. I think it’s key that this song is referencing Nott’s drinking--she’s engaging in constant, public substance abuse, and makes no attempt to hide the fact that she’s an alcoholic. Miller says “I was, thinking too much, got stuck in oblivion;” Nott copes with her anxieties by drowning it out with liquor, and she’s trapping herself in that position. We’ve started to see the cracks in that carefree facade now that she’s lashed out at both Caleb and Jester while severely drunk.

Two Birds | Regina Spektor: “The lyrics describe a wonderful, inseparable pair. But there’s a lingering doubt. Something standing in the way. Some force that might pull them apart someday…”

This is almost certainly about Caleb and Nott. She has insisted that “there’s nothing I won’t understand,” i.e., she loves him unconditionally and wants him to forgive himself. But as Sam says, there’s something standing in the way. This ‘force’ that’s present isn’t quite pinned down--Caleb’s goals, or Nott’s family, perhaps. But as this backstory begins to unravel, I think we see that Caleb doesn’t want to move forward--he’s “never going to let go of that wire” while Nott is inclined to go on with life, and the fact that he’s trapped in the past and afraid to open up might be the very thing that pulls them apart.

Sinking Ship | Wild Child: “Just a really sad, beautiful song. Nott has a deep, underlying regret every day of her life. But sometimes you need to experience true sadness to emerge on the other side.”

“Oh, if it’s cold in the water/am I better for it” is, um. It’s a lot, especially given the theory that Nott-as-a-halfling could have died by drowning. The theme of water comes up several times in the playlist, but nowhere so tragically as here. This “underlying regret every day of her life” that Sam mentions, in conjunction with the water theme, makes me desperate to find out exactly how Nott was separated from Yeza and Luke, and if leaving Felderwin is her deep, underlying regret, or if something even more profound has shaped her. “Both my broken hands are true” definitely feels like a commentary on her loyalty to both Yeza and Luke, and her desire to come home someday, feeling “always here and now with you” in spite of being miles away.

S.O.B. | Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats: “How wonderful it would be if we could all just let loose, be who we are inside, and get totally f—ked up.”

“I’m gonna need someone to care,” Rateliff sings, but “if I can’t get clean/I’m gonna drink my life away.” Isn’t that the worst ever summary of Nott the Brave? She’s desperate to have someone who will help her, and she’s sure to have found more than one ally in the Mighty Nein, but until this moment, they didn’t realize how fragile Nott’s composure has been. If she can’t get out of her cycle of alcohol abuse--something that might only be remedied by being True Polymorphed--drinking really will put her life at risk. The line “my heart was breaking, hands are shaking” doubles down on her relationship with drinking as an inherently unhealthy coping mechanism. “Son of a bitch, give me a drink/one more night/this can’t be me” addresses the facts of Nott’s situation in exactly the way Sam lays it out: Nott wants to be herself in some way that is inaccessible to her, and she drinks both to cope with that reality as well as to get closer to what she wishes she could be. At the same time, she wants to get “totally fucked up” and let go altogether, because when she’s drunk, she doesn’t have to worry about anything.

#critical role #nott the brave #cr spoilers #critical role spoilers

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cumbersomelift · 3 years

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Spiritual First Aid (Resources Pt. 1)

When I was deconverting at university, I spent months poring over sacred texts, spiritual commentary, and works of philosophy to try to find what’s true. I thought what I needed was a theological rehab – to detox from harmful ideas and to replace them with healthier ones. But what I really needed was more like spiritual first aid – something to immediately address the frustration and guilt I was experiencing right then and there. I mourned the death of God even as I rejected him, and I felt tangled up in this ambiguous sense of loss.

Apart from a few close friends, I deconstructed privately. I thought the more open I was about my questions the less social support would be available from my community. (This was only half true.) I had also internalized the idea that I was responsible for the spiritual well-being of those around me, so I should keep these potentially destabilizing questions to myself because to do otherwise would be morally irresponsible. I would have said that it’s like throwing the biblically inexperienced into the theological deep end (which is patronizing and ridiculous). So, I often felt alone. Years of immersion in evangelical culture made me blind to the shame-loops that fed that sense of isolation and deaf to the language I needed to describe my own experience.

Even years later I’m still figuring that out. But I’ve found the trick to unlocking that language is just tuning in to the right conversation. These days, they are happening all around us in podcasts, books, and other media. Some of the best advice to those deconstructing—and in general— is simply to keep reading.

So here are some of the resources that I had (or wish I had) when I was deconstructing, and a map to show how they meet different needs. After all, someone reshaping their faith (deconstructing) needs something different than a someone dropping it entirely (deconverting). Those of us who are hurting need something different than those who are rebuilding. So, here’s the chart I’ve used to help catalog the books I’ve found most useful.

The reverent/irreverent x-axis describes whether the author sees religion as sacred and useful or delusional and hurtful. So, on the reverent side, you have secular pluralists who see religion as a force for good and Christians boldly asking the hard questions in an authentic attempt to deepen their faith. On the irreverent side, you have secular thinkers who say organized religion is mostly just harmful, but it’s normalized in ways that make this hard to see. If you’re deconstructing as a Christian – because you think the earth maybe wasn’t created in 7 days or because the Bible is hard to make sense of – then I’d point you to the reverent side of this map. For those deconverted or deconverting, you might find the irreverent items more relatable.

The processing/structuring y-axis captures whether the writer is exploring the personal experience or writing about the structure of beliefs that follow. Writers who are “processing” are often those who have abandoned a formerly cherished belief and are working through that change out loud with friends. “Structuring” writers are a few steps removed from the tension but can help answer the question "What am I supposed to believe now?" These writers can help us replace bad theology with a healthier, coherent alternative.

For brevity, this post is focused solely on the processing quadrants – I’ll pick up the structuring quadrants another time. These are a handful of resources that I’d describe as being Spiritual First Aid because they help make sense of pain and can even provide community for those struggling. I have a few books listed, but many of these are literal conversations in the form of podcasts. As you’re reading these consider adding them to your Facebook feed, Spotify rotation, or Amazon wishlist.

Oh. And one last thing: the point of this series is to encapsulate for the church what it’s like to deconstruct and how that impacts relationships. If you’re a person of faith reading this, I encourage you to listen in on some of these podcasts yourself – not because I think they’ll deconvert you but because they’re a primer for bigger conversations. They can be immensely helpful if you want to know reasons people leave the faith, why they might harbor resentment toward the church, and whether your church is participating in these harmful practices (I know that I was). So, even if the quadrant is “for you” it can offer a sense of what experiences others are up against.

Irreverent and Processing

These are conversations where people explore personal experiences of religious trauma syndrome, process the emotional damage of belief, and reject their spiritual upbringing with varying degrees of force. These can be useful for knowing you are not alone when you feel betrayed or hurt by religion in ways that are hard to express. They may even supply language to better articulate those experiences. Everything I listed here is produced by deconverted Christians who have firsthand experiences deconstructing their faith and fishing out the toxic ideas they once accepted.

The Life After (Podcast)

Here, two deconverted pastors interview courageous people about their journey of faith deconstruction, unraveling religious indoctrination, spiritual abuse experiences, religious trauma, mourning the death of God, and what it's like rebuilding a community after leaving Christian fundamentalism. Their trauma-informed approach and irreverent humor add levity to a series of heavy topics. (If this paragraph is the first time you've ever heard of spiritual abuse or religious trauma then you can read a short blurb about religious trauma syndrome (RTS) from one of the lead researchers on the topic, here.)

I found two episodes on purity culture and RTS with sex therapist Jamie Lee Finch to be especially illuminating. These are the episodes "Unbuckling the Bible Belt" and then “You Are Your Own.” The best introduction to this podcast might be the episode called “Born Again Again” with Katie and Joe Bauer who talk about deconstructing as a couple and what it’s like for spiritual leaders to leave the faith.

The Life After also has a Facebook group that began as a trauma-informed home base for listeners to relate their deconversion experiences, but now it hosts book clubs, a mentor network, and a stream of blasphemous insights from those who have deconstructed into non-Christian spirituality or secular humanism. They even have affinity groups focused on specific challenges like how to be body-positive after living in purity culture or deconverting in a marriage where one partner stays a believer.

Born Again Again (Podcast)

Two former worship leaders talk through their own deconstruction experiences and how they make sense of their spiritual upbringing as secular adults. They have some fascinating stories about their experiences with Campus Crusade for Christ and the Hillsong movement. In fact, in "This Is Your Brain on Worship" the hosts share how they had a formula to help congregants speak in tongues based on hypnosis. Wild!

Another is "A Personal (or Abusive) Relationships with Jesus?" where the hosts show the dark side of trading religion for a "relationship with Jesus.” They start with the descriptions provided by Campus Crusade for Christ, John Piper, and Billy Graham to define what a relationship with Jesus means, then they break down how these definitions in any other context are textbook cases of abuse that are just normalized through false consensus. They also talk about what it did to them to buy into this relational framework themselves, and how Cru’s organizational structure can pressure young college students to do the same.

r/exvangelical, r/exChristian, e/TrueAtheism (Reddit Boards)

r/exvangelical and r/exchristian are moderated communities of post-fundamentalist Redditors. This might be of use for those who describe themselves as something like "culturally Christian but theologically agnostic.” It’s a moderated group of individuals that works like the Life After Facebook group. People share their experiences, seek advice, and connect on the process of deconversion. It’s a very welcoming, affirming community where pretty much every trepidatious Redditor is met with a chorus of supportive replies.

r/TrueAtheism is similar but not specifically made up of post fundamentalists. It was recommended from the Born Again Again hosts. This particular thread of “honest questions from an atheist” is an incredibly exhaustive list of troubling bible verses and hard-ball questions about the faith that many of us may find relatable or articulate a dissonance we’ve experienced before.

Reverent and Processing

These may be good resources for people who grew up Christian and have an active personal faith but aren't sure where they fit anymore. After all, the church has changed a lot in the last ten years. Maybe you describe yourself as a Christian mystic, agnostic, or just a believer trying to find your place. If the phrase "spiritual nomadism" resonates with you, you might feel at most at home exploring questions of faith with these spiritual thinkers.

The Liturgists Podcast (Podcast)

Michael Gungor and Co. are believers in the in-between talking about faith issues and modern events in this podcast. Sometimes we conflate deconstruction with deconversion and overlook the ocean of gray area between Christian fundamentalism and secular humanism. This podcast is hosted by a community of believers that live in that space.

In "Is Deconstruction Bad?" they talk about the emotions felt in deconstruction, the social cost (especially for spiritual leaders), and how to embrace a healthy outlook in the midst of it. It's a serious look into what is lost when we challenge our assumptions about faith and why it becomes hard to stop. A similar episode is called "Does Being Good Mean My Beliefs Shouldn't Change?"

Among my favorites, though, is "Swapping Fundamentalisms.” Sometimes we move from one restrictive, dogmatic set of beliefs to another because we've internalized fundamentalism so thoroughly that we take it with us wherever we go next.

Faitheist: How an Atheist Found Common Ground with the Religious (Book)

Chris Stedman was raised in a staunchly homophobic faith community when he began to realize he was gay. His memoir is a story about his unconventional deconversion experience. Stedman would say that the hostility expressed by his church toward the LGBTQ community is hard to too similar to what new atheists express toward the church today. Stedman rejects militant atheism for a more pluralistic approach to interfaith relationships. He believes that mutually incompatible religions can exist in harmony and not just competition.

He's an atheist committed to interfaith organizing and believes that rallying faith groups on the common ground of our humanist ethics can help us create a better world together. If you think the new atheists are too harsh on religion or overlook the good that religion has does for the world, then you might be sympathetic to his approach.

The Sacredness of Questioning Everything (Book)

David Dark a Christian writer who thinks that if you read the Bible and don't have any questions then you weren't reading very closely. "The God of the Bible not only encourages questions; the God of the Bible demands them." In The Sacredness of Questioning Everything, Dark talks through why interrogating our belief is a spiritual discipline and what believers fall prey to once they stop.

Importantly, Dark shows how deconstruction isn't just for the deconverting. Instead, it's an act of theological hygiene. If the God we believe can’t accept protest, interrogation, or dissent, then we’re in trouble. In fact, without the right questions, our conception of God can exist strictly to keep us in line and keep our heads down so we don't get burned. Dark is a Christian who wants to disabuse Christians of that narrow conception of God and show why questions are essential for spiritual growth.

Conclusion

So there’s my spiritual first aid kit. Hopefully at least one or two of these resources will resonate with you. I can say that at different points in my life, each of these things provided an insight that made deconstruction less shameful and more clear. If you have other books, podcasts, or communities that have helped you process in deconstruction, then don’t hesitate to add them in the comments.

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authorstalker · 7 years

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The Author Stalker Interview with Julie Buntin

Marlena is a crazy compelling, beautifully written novel about addictive friendship and addiction problems. After her parents separate, 15-year-old Cat is forced to move to a remote Michigan town with her mother, leaving her elite private high school behind. She thinks her future is over, but when she meets the girl next door, her life feels exciting for the first time ever. Marlena is everything Cat is not: pretty, gifted, charming, experienced. While Cat is exhilarated by the ways her new friendship lets her play at adulthood, she ignores the real, serious burdens that are destroying Marlena. In this interview, author Julie Buntin talks about addiction and self-destruction, the writers who have influenced her career, and the backlash that accompanies books about female friendship.

Marlena is getting a lot of positive attention, but my one tiny concern is that it will be marketed exclusively as a coming-of-age story about female friendship. While that’s accurate, your novel is also about addiction and is the first work of fiction I’ve read about America’s opioid problem. It’s a full-blown crisis, particularly in Ohio (where I’m from) and Michigan (where you’re from).

Post-election, the opioid epidemic is getting more media coverage, in part because many of the people affected voted for Trump. If I was a publicist, I would tap into this news trend and promote Marlena as a portrait of working class America and how it reached this point — the teenage sections of the book are set in the early 2000s during the rise of Oxycontin.

Do you share my concern that Marlena will be pigeonholed as “women’s fiction,” or am I totally off base? Was it difficult to write about an issue that hits so close to home, and did you worry about your family and friends’ reactions to the subject matter?

Yes and no. I wrote a novel about female friendship that mostly takes place when the two main characters are teenage girls, and if talking about it in those terms pigeonholes it, I think that has something do with a marketplace that’s still sort of uneasy with stories about girlhood being classified as literary or important. Thanks to Ferrante, in part, it feels like there’s been a shift in that thinking lately, but at the same time, even as space is being made to take these stories seriously, there’s a corresponding backlash – I’ve heard people say that now we have too many books about female friendship. That makes me feel a little crazy. Too many? Because The Girls and Girls on Fire and The Mothers and The Girls from Corona del Mar and Friendship and Animals and Swing Time and The Neapolitan Trilogy all came out within the last few years?

How many novels have been written about infidelity? About boyhood and manhood and sports and war? And besides, all the books I listed are about so much more than the friendship that drives the plot. In marketing and descriptive copy, they often get boiled down to female friendship story, and thereby shuffled into a less literary category. Very rarely are they looked at in their larger context. A few writers get that treatment, Elena Ferrante, Zadie Smith, but you’re lucky and probably famous if you do. I guess what I’m saying is that I wish Marlena could be called women’s literature, a female friendship story, and have that be synonymous with the understanding that there’s more to the book.

For me, that “more” is addiction. It’s the thing that defines the characters, that sets the tone for the friendship, that changes the course of Marlena and Cat’s lives. I’m grateful and glad you read it that way too, and I’ll admit that I did point that out to my publicist more than once. When I started the novel, I didn’t set out to tackle the opioid crisis in the Midwest, but I did want to write about self-destruction, the thrill and attraction of drugs as an adolescent, and what might happen to the girls who go a step too far. How do we reconcile the people we are as teenagers, the things we did, with the adults we become? I wanted, even needed, to ask that question for many personal reasons and because of a few people in my life, but it was also, for fear of sounding pretentious and for lack of a better word, a literary question. What does that story look like? What shape does it take? We hear stories of recovery, but so rarely do we hear the story of muddling through a problem, of wondering whether you have one, of getting stuck and maybe not ever getting out. The arc is less clear. But it’s still a story that’s important – or I think so, obviously. Because of my connection to some of these themes – my sister is an addict, and I lost a friend in my early twenties – I was definitely a little nervous about people mistaking this fiction for my life. So far people from my hometown have been overwhelmingly supportive, but I think it was difficult for my mom, especially, to accept that I chose to write a book about these upsetting subjects.

This is your debut novel, and it was published to wide acclaim (A starred review comparing you to Ferrante! Barnes & Noble Discover Great New Writers pick! A Lorrie Moore blurb smack dab on the cover!). Can you describe Marlena’s path to publication – how long did it take to write and then to sell? As a first-time author, which moments have been the most thrilling?

I started the book on the cusp of 2011. I was in grad school, and took a stab at a novella with these characters, though none of the pages I wrote back then made it into the version of Marlena on bookstore shelves. I was working on another novel at the time, it was very autobiographical and written as like, a collage of titled prose poems. It wasn’t good. I worked on it very earnestly and very hard for years, cheating on it with the characters in Marlena, but didn’t abandon it fully until 2013, when Lorrie Moore, my thesis advisor at the time, encouraged me to pursue Marlena instead. I sold it two years later. I guess the short answer is it took me about four years to write, but then I completely rewrote the book after it sold. I sat down with a blank word document and the novel printed out, and started rewriting it, using the old pages as reference. When that process was done, Marlena was 40k words or thereabouts shorter than the book Henry Holt bought, with way more detail in the narrative present and one character gone entirely.

The rewriting process was the most thrilling part of this so far – I’ve never written like that before or since, and for some reason, I think I needed the security of knowing my book had a home, the presence of my editor cheering me on (not to mention her brilliant notes), in order to get to that place. Is that a boring most thrilling moment? My book launch at powerHouse Arena—where I used to work as the events coordinator, the job that got me started in publishing—was very very thrilling. It was this beautiful full circle moment, to come back to a place where I’d spent so much time when I was first sketching out the novel, but as an author. I will never forget that night – a top ten life moment for sure. Honestly, it’s all thrilling and overwhelming, even a little scary. Seeing the book in the world, hearing from readers, getting positive reviews, getting star reviews – it’s a dream I’ve had for a long time, and I never really believed it would it happen.

I do think that Elena Ferrante fans will fall in love with Marlena, not just because you write with a similarly vivid, page-turner quality, but because in many ways, Cat and Marlena’s friendship echoes Lenu and Lila’s friendship in the Neapolitan series. Reading your book, I couldn’t stop thinking about fate and the families we’re born into, that the girl who was born with more potential wasn’t also born with the luck to fulfill it. In Marlena’s words, her life “felt like a sentence, that it had been barreling down on her since she could first speak, that it really wasn’t much of a life at all.” And then I read this part of a great interview in The Millions with Dan Chaon, which reminded me of your protagonist:

I threw away everyone I grew up with, gladly. I left for college and never went back, and I pretended to be my own creation, no nature or nurture either, just a self-invented person. My life is so different from some of my cousins’ lives that we may as well live in different universes, but I achieved that by chopping off big parts of myself. I think those severed limbs are the ghosts that haunt my writing.

In an essay in The Atlantic, you wrote about your high school years in northern Michigan, so it’s no secret that where you grew up closely mirrors Marlena’s setting. I’m wondering: 1) What roles privilege and guilt play in your novel, particularly as they relate to Cat’s character, and 2) Did you, like Dan Chaon, have to chop off parts of yourself to become a writer, and did you ever come close to taking a different, non-writerly path in life?

Thank you for this question – it’s wonderful to be read with so much attention. (Is this my most thrilling moment? It is up there.) I really identify with that Dan Chaon quote, the last sentence especially. It articulates something about my experience that I hadn’t found the words for.

To answer the first part of your question, I think that as an adult, Cat is more aware than ever of how much better off she was than Marlena and what a difference that made. She’s frustrated about not having had more clarity back then, not doing something to change what happened – even as she recognizes the futility of that kind of thinking. Or that’s an awareness she comes to as she sifts through this story and some of her feelings of displacement in the life she’s found herself in, which is so different from the one she knew as a kid. So I guess the roles guilt and privilege play have a bearing on the plot, in the sense that Cat’s kind of asking herself this very question, exploring it, via her memory of her fifteenth year.

Now for the second part, the chopping off pieces of yourself part. I guess my answer is, kind of? I was a pretty wild teenager. On the Marlena and Cat spectrum, I was probably closer to Marlena. A pretty generous scholarship to an arts boarding school my junior year rescued me. It was a miracle – my grades were terrible. They let me in on the basis of a creative writing portfolio—a portfolio I’d compiled almost as a joke, thinking if I could get in for writing and then prove myself in choir, I could switch to a vocal performance track. I had no formal training and no illusions about my chances of getting in as a singer – but I loved to sing and my voice was good enough for solos in my hometown choir, which made me think with practice I might be able to locate some special talent. But once I started there, even though it took me until my twenties to fully reform some of my bad behavior, I fell in love with writing. I’d always been a really voracious reader, but the more I wrote, the more friends I made who took writing seriously, the more I began to see literature as a path I could follow right out of Michigan and into a better life.

So I think by age 17 or so, I knew writing was my thing, and thankfully, I was in an educational environment that encouraged it. By the time I graduated, it was either become a writer or, I don’t know, become a professional alcoholic. Is this too heavy? I think writing saved my life, and my life was maybe in need of saving pretty young. And moving to New York after high school helped solidify that – I had to make enough money to stay, I didn’t have time to fuck around. Every choice I made, I picked the thing that would bring me closer to books, to writing and writers. Despite my two years at private school, books were the only subject I was fluent in. I knew nothing about the world, let alone pop culture (that was particularly embarrassing as a twenty-something in New York), but I’d read a ton and could hold my own in those conversations.

I think I had to chop off the part of myself that trends toward self-destruction. That sounds and is healthy, but it makes for a weird dissonance in my life – a sense that the good things that happen to me are not quite real, are constantly at risk of sabotage by some dormant aspect of myself. In following this route with so much focus, I also lost a certain closeness with my family, with my home, with the girl I’d been up until I moved to the city. My life is very different from my siblings’ lives, for example. Sometimes I feel breathtakingly lucky – whether or not this is an accurate interpretation of the years leading up to this one, I see where I am now as a result of a few surprising turns in my life that almost didn’t happen.

In Marlena, every character is in the middle of a life-changing event. My favorite character was Cat’s mom – even when Cat is unable to recognize it, her mom is always trying to improve and never forgets that she’s a parent – and as much as I loved Sal, I was grateful the book wasn’t told from his perspective because I would have cried the entire time. Which character was the most fun for you to write? Which was the most difficult?

Marlena and Marlena. She was fun to write for the same reason that she was difficult to write – I could never quite pin her down, writing as I was, from Cat’s perspective. Marlena is this shifting figure. She’s herself, but she’s also whoever Cat makes her out to be – a fact Cat is ever aware of in the book, but that I had to constantly try and balance. How do you write a character who can only be captured in memory? Writing Marlena was like chasing someone who runs faster than you ever will. You know you’ll never catch up, but you really really want to—you want to see her face.

You are so good at describing the bullshit girls and women experience on a daily basis. As I was reading, I wrote ugh in my notes probably 20 times. Two of Cat’s observations jumped out at me: 1) That “in high school, girls did the liking; boys got to pick” and 2) Society’s high premium on women’s looks makes being “beautiful forever…the ultimate feminine achievement.” You’re also so good at writing about…masturbation! Can you talk about masturbation as a running thread throughout the book and as a source of Cat’s agency?

This is going to be a roundabout answer – forgive me. One thing that’s been interesting, in talking about the book, is that now and then someone will ask me about the tropes of female friendship stories. One girl is beautiful, one less so – one girl is wild, one is more careful. As if these are literary tropes only. When actually, these tropes – whether they come from books or movies or culture at large, are the categories many teenage girls feel that they have to slot themselves into. Try asking an adult woman if she was the pretty friend or the smart one in high school – most women will have an answer. This kind of goes back to what I was saying before about female friendship novels – it’s like American culture doesn’t want women, and women’s literature, to be more than one thing.

I wanted the book to push against those modes of thinking, to interact with, as you put it, the bullshit girls and women experience on a daily basis. Marlena is wild, Marlena is beautiful, Marlena is the leader – except she’s not, not really, or not always. Marlena’s the one with a problem; Marlena’s the one that needs help. Cat’s maybe just as pretty – only, she can’t see herself that way, because she’s given Marlena that role in their friendship. Cat’s bolder, braver, more powerful than she thinks, especially to Marlena. How do both girls step in and out of the definitions that they think fit them best, according to the world and each other? Who are they in these contexts, and what parts of them can’t be defined or categorized at all? How aware are they of the ways stereotypes about girls determine what they do or don’t do, the women they become? In the present and in retrospect?

It feels a little weird to analyze my own book, but I guess I’ll say that Cat’s sexuality, and masturbation as a motif in the story, has to do with her own awareness of her power. Cat’s growing ability to take ownership over her own pleasure, to claim what she wants or doesn’t want as preferences that are hers alone, always felt to me like a very central part of the coming-of-age aspects of this novel, and were there from the very beginning.

In addition to being a writer, you’re the director of writing programs at Catapult. Talk a bit about your work there – how do you balance having a day job and writing novels?

Not very well, in case it’s not obvious from how long it took me to answer these questions. I love my job at Catapult – my colleagues are universally brilliant. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not stunned to have the good fortune of working with people so smart, so talented, so dedicated to books. Because everyone is so great, it’s an intense environment. You kind of always have to bring 100% of yourself to the table. That’s the most difficult part, especially lately with the pressures of putting a book out into the world – it’s hard to juggle both aspects of my life at once. Writing gets pushed to the fringes of my life – early mornings, late evenings before bed, weekends. Or Catapult does, and then I’m terribly behind and I get an anxious stomachache.

Who are your favorite authors? What’s the best book you’ve read recently?

I love love loved Kayla Rae Whitaker’s The Animators. You could call it a female friendship story, and the jacket copy does, but more broadly, it’s an incredibly wise and warm-hearted investigation of what an artist’s responsibility is to her material, and what it means to tell someone else’s story. It follows Sharon Kisses and Mel Vaught, creative partners (animators) and longtime friends, through the success and failure and incomprehensible loss. It’s a remarkable book, and I just loved it – so immersive, so unforgettable, it blows my mind and makes me a little jealous that it’s Kayla’s first novel.

An incomplete list of favorite writers: Rita Dove, Elena Ferrante, Tana French, Grace Paley, Toni Morrison, Jo Ann Beard, Chang-Rae Lee, Maile Meloy, Roberto Bolano, Marilynne Robinson, Claire Messud, Lorrie Moore, Margaret Atwood, Morgan Parker, Saul Bellow, Ursula K. Le Guin, Ada Limon, Elizabeth Bishop, Banana Yoshimoto, Maggie Nelson, Jim Harrison, oh I don’t know, this is a list I could write for days.

I can’t help it, I love learning about how writers write. Do you write in a specific place or can you write wherever? Do you create a detailed outline or go with the flow? Music while you write: yes or no? Tell me everything.

No music, not ever, too distracting and music is for singing. I don’t really make outlines, but when I was rewriting Marlena I did a lot of weird sketching and list-making on index cards that I almost always lost immediately after writing on them. I mostly write at the dining table near the window, in a computer chair that looks really strange in the dining room. When I get cold there with the window open I put on this ugly robe printed with sheep that leaves fuzz all over the place. It’s really really hard for me to concentrate, to get to a place where I can focus enough to write. But once I do get there, it’s just as hard to stop writing. So writing for me is mostly a process of trying to shut out all distractions enough to work. That’s like 90% of it – getting started.

Last question! What advice do you have for all the aspiring writers out there?

I still feel like an aspiring writer. I’m slowly working on another book, but it’s such a different process that it feels in many ways like starting from scratch. My advice, I guess, is that you can do it? You can do it. Oh, and maybe – write what you think is important. I would have saved myself a couple years if I had just accepted that this was the story that mattered to me, and thrown my shitty novel away sooner.

You can find Julie Buntin online at her website or on Twitter @juliebuntin.

#julie buntin #books #marlena #author interviews #writing advice #writers #friendship #addiction #politics #catapult #the millions #edan lepucki #dan chaon #home #girls #kayla rae whitaker #women writers #powerhouse arena

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