#like i haven't had a panic attack in so long but yesterday was so fucking scary and i was left by myself for literally 6 hours
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okay so I am quitting my job after a horrible day yesterday and I so didn't want to come in to my shift today because there was a huge thunderstorm and my intuition was telling me not to
But I was like oh it's courtesy and I don't want to make anyone stay, also I'll be with someone else so it'll be better etc etc
And the person I was supposed to work with called in sick :))) so now I'm by myself managing 3 middle aged men as a brand new staff
Like we literally have a deadlock on the door because they can do Very Real Bodily Damage to you and they really just threw me to the wolves
#cy says stuff#personal#like.. this is why im quitting#i was told upon being hirwd that im going to get hit and to just accept it#like.. how about i dont accept it#also i spent so long escaping abuse why tf would i put myself right back there for a paycheck#like dude i already did my time never again#like i haven't had a panic attack in so long but yesterday was so fucking scary and i was left by myself for literally 6 hours#and i just had to like. deal with it and hope i wasn't going to get hurt#like the person i work with is known for giving ppl concussions threw a girl over a chair by the hair etc etc#and they really said okay youre a 19 year old AFAB with no training and no gains yeah you can handle it by yourself#im just super frustrated#the other girl i was training with also quit#im refusing to feel bad about it#abuse tw#i called the lady who hired me and she said she wanted to help but she really just wanted to know how she should advertise the job better#like maam im sorry but that's me helping you not the other way around#im glad that i dont have to work tomorrow but ugh#im just upset#the lady i talked to was like oh i got the sense you had a lot of inner strength and I was like i DO and i CAN do it but im not gonna#bc why would i put myself in that situation#it is literally unsafe#and i know it's a hard topic bc obviously you want to treat the clients well#but like. at what cost. the cost is the staff#literally the physical safety of staff .. like im not giving my life for someone idk because i was in the wrong place wrong time#or bc i couldnt run to the office and lock the door fast enough#rant
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Sounds Like A Date - Just Us Chapter 9
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1890
Series List | Chapter 8 | Chapter 10
================================
"Knock, knock." My sister's voice travels gently across the room, as she lets herself into my room. "Sorry to wake you, but you keep getting messages from an unknown number. They ask if you're still up for meeting today...."
"Today?" I shoot up from laying down and now sat facing my sister. "Pass me my phone please."
She comes to sit next to me passing my phone off to me, I see a few notifications on my phone but specifically read the newest text.
Unknown: Are you okay? You're not replying? Please say this is your number.
(10.43 a.m.)
"Shit." I groan as I unlock my phone to see the various messages I've received, scrolling back to the first one.
Unknown: Hey Y/n! Just wanted to say I had an amazing time last night, and a lovely time this morning. Can't wait to see you again.
(8.30 pm)
Unknown: Oh it's Wanda by the way.
(8.31 pm)
Unknown: You made me feel so many things I haven't felt in a long time and some I've never felt before
(10.21pm)
Unknown: the gils say hellloooo. I ddnt tell them yhat mucj jusy that I splrt wit somon.
(10.53 pm)
(The girls say hello. I didn't tell them that much just that I slept with someone.)
I can only assume she was drunk at this point and I giggle to myself as I continue to read drunk texts from her that get harder and harder to understand as I go on. They range from telling me how sexy I am to a ramble about some friend drama. And then one text which is literally a bunch of letters.
Unknown: iralywnttocuagin
(11.47 pm)
"What are you giggling at?" Carol peaks over my shoulder to read some of the messages. "Oh wow. Whoever it is is very drunk….she called you sexy? Oh my, is this a new girl?"
"I don't know, we literally slept with each other Friday night, dropped her off Saturday late morning and then the panic attack happened. I can't believe I slept through the whole day and night." I rub my hands over my face as I continue reading the messages.
Unknown: Oh my god! I am so sorry about all the messages. I was completely out of it.
(9.20 am)
Unknown: are you busy today?
(9.30 am)
Unknown: is everything okay? You haven't messaged back at all?
(9.50 am)
Unknown: I'm sorry that sounded rude. Just message me back. Please.
(9.52 am)
Unknown: so Natasha has just informed me that I did indeed talk about our encounter on Friday night. Of course she is the only one who actually knows who you are.
(9.57 am)
Unknown: did I do something? Or are you regretting everything?
(10.13 am)
Unknown: I knew it was too good to be true
(Message deleted)
Unknown: you could have just said it was a one time thing for you instead of giving me your number.
(Message deleted)
Unknown: I'm more worried than frustrated. Are you okay?
(10.34 am)
Shit! She thinks I'm ignoring her! But what do I tell her? I can't just be like 'hey, sorry I'm not ignoring you. I just had a fucking huge ass panic attack yesterday after getting home and have only just woken up.' No that would scare her away. She doesn't need to know about that.
"Can you help me message her so she doesn't get angry for the radio silence, but also doesn't run away?" I timidly ask my sister. Instead of replying she snatches my phone, types something in and passes it back. Oh god. I look down to see what she has said.
Y/n: Hey, I am so sorry. I got home and my sister surprised me with a surprise visit, and she made me turn my phone off so I could spend some 'quality' time with her. We stayed up way too late and I've only just woken up.
(11.24 am)
Oh. That's not so bad. Carol places her hand on my back, rubbing it up and down for a few minutes while we sit in a comfortable silence.
"Thank you." It's the only thing I can say to her about yesterday and this morning.
"Always." She kisses my right temple, and I wince slightly. Okay why does that hurt, oh shit I hit my head as I went down. "Let's get that eye of yours sorted out, yeah?"
"Is it bad?"
"Badass? Yeah!" We both laugh as she hoists me off the bed playfully shoving my back so I walk towards the bathroom. "But it does look like you lost the fight to the counter. It's a nice black eye though, you wear it well."
"Well I guess that's good." Ping. I turn to look at my phone and smile at the message I see.
Unknown: It's okay. I understand, siblings are important. I hope you're not too tired, I wondered if you wanted to meet today?
~unknown~ changed to ~Wanda~
Y/n: I'm not too tired at all. What have you got planned?
I sit down on the stool in the bathroom, while Carol grabs a washcloth to give my face a clean. As she is wiping it she is looking down at me with those oh so caring eyes she has, maybe a little sadness, but also understanding. She smiles gently down at me as my eyes light up when another message comes through.
Wanda: Well I was thinking maybe going to a small café for a drink, some food. Then maybe go for a walk in the local park that's there, just talk and get to know one another. Then maybe head back to yours for a movie?
Wanda: or we could head to mine? Up to you really? So what do you say?
Y/n: sounds like you're asking me on a date?
Wanda: What if I was? What would you say?
Y/n: I would say, yes. Yes I like the idea of the date. Do you want me to pick you up from yours or meet at the café?
Wanda: Pick me up, please? 🥺
Y/n: Of course princess. What sort of time?
Wanda: In an hour?
Y/n: I will see you then. I need to sort myself out so I will let you know when I'm leaving.
Wanda: okay! See you soon!
"A date? Huh." My sister's voice brings me back from looking at my phone, her curious gaze on mine.
"What?" I put my phone on the side, as I stand up to look at my face in the mirror. Well shit that's going to take a lot of makeup to hide.
"Nothing. Just proud of you." She brings my body into hers gently wrapping her arms around my body, even though I tower over her, she always gives the best hug.
"I'm proud of myself too." I rest my chin on the top of her head, slightly bending down to match her height better.
"How long has it been?" She looks up at me, so I move to stand up straight to look down at her from a more comfortable position.
"I haven't had a date since Stephanie." She hums in response hugging me tighter at the mention of my ex's name. She pulls out of the embrace her hands on my cheeks gently rubbing them, avoiding my eye.
"Okay, well let me know how it goes. Also if this is going to go somewhere I want to meet her." I go to say something but she puts her hand in front of my face telling me to stop. "Not straight away, no. Maybe after month 1 or 2. You need to be sure this is what you want, and that it's going to work. If it is, well, then I will meet her. Only to make sure you don't find yourself in a situation you've you've in before. Okay?"
I'm not even going to argue, she is my older sister of course she is going to be over protective. "Okay."
"You listen hear….wait….Okay?" She seems surprised by my response, I mean I would normally try and make excuses. However, I know she won't let it go so why let this go on.
"Okay." I see her smile up at me.
"Okay then. Now do you need help with your makeup." She points a finger at my eye.
"Please." I say as I hand her the makeup bag, sitting on the counter next to the sink. I hardly wear makeup, but I have it for PR events and other business events.
It doesn't take long for Carol to do my makeup, making sure all of the blue and purple of my black eye is coveted nicely. She suggested wearing sunglasses, which only works if it's sunny; and it's not. It's currently overcast but the weatherman said there's no chance of rain, that's good at least.
"So it's a date?" Carol asks, when she comes to join me in the walk-in closet.
"That's what she said." I look around the clothes that are hanging up trying to decide what to wear.
"You slept with each other Friday, and are now going on a date today. Which for your information is Sunday." She turns her head to look up at me.
"Yeah why?" I ask as I pick out a pair of black skinny jeans holding them up against some tops.
"Nothing, just seems like you're both diving in head first." She brings over a plain white sweatshirt holding it against the jeans.
"Is that a bad thing? I mean people who online date, technically class their first meetings as a date right?" I place the sweatshirt and jeans on the island in the closet and head over to grab some shoes.
"No it's not a bad thing but it's like you missed steps 1 to 3 and skipped straight to sex and now are doing steps 1-3." She laughs as she brings over a light brown overcoat placing it on the island with the other clothes.
"Well isn't that how mom and dad met? A one night stand turned into 13 years of marriage." I raise an eyebrow in question as I turn to her, showing her some simple black vans in my hand.
"You're right, I know nothing." She laughs as she chucks me my clothes from the island.
"Exactly, you and Maria met in the air force, and you being the ever romantic person you are, took her on plenty of dates before actually doing the deed. Now look at you. Your married, you have Monica and that stupid ginger cat." Her eyes light up as I mention her wife and child, the biggest smile plastered on her face.
"You're right, I know nothing about one night stands, apart from mom and dad's story. Now get changed and go on your date before she thinks you stood her up." She gives me a pointed look as she leaves the walk-in. "Oh by the way, I'm staying for a couple of days. Want to catch up with people." She shouts behind the closing door...fun.
Y/n: Just putting on my shoes, leaving now.
Wanda: I will see you soon y/n.
Y/n: see you soon Wanda.
================================
#wanda maximoff#wanda maximoff x reader#wanda maxmoff x y/n#wanda x reader#wanda x you#just us series
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I'm gonna be honest. definitely had a panic attack yesterday because I lost somewhere between 100 to 150 digital drawings & doodles & the like. I'm just stumped how they all got so badly corrupted over both my SD card & back up drive. I think it has something to do with my 5 year old tablet fucking everything up.
Regardless.
This was not good at all.
I'm trying not to cycle deeper & deeper into this pit of despair even though I wasn't doing great before this either lol but.
Currently scrounging up what I can & looking at new Galaxy Tab S7 I think? I really feel pretty numb after everything last night & I haven't slept & I'm just. Feeling really extraordinarily fucked.
I have to keep moving forwards even when all this sucks tremendously. Slightly good news, about half of my newer Submas draws & all of my Tron ones were all saved. But everything else is just. Gone.
I dunno guys. It's just one thing after another anymore. I'm gonna keep drawing, even if I suck, & I'm gonna keep pushing on, even if I feel like dying. But I'm majorly losing motivation in doing so.
Anyways. Sorry. This is a long ramble. I'm all over the place & even work has been hell, so I'm not getting relief from any side.
I'm just not sure what to do. But thanks for caring & stopping by & hearing me out if you get this far. I'm so sorry I am such a waste & total basket case lol
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can't sleep. my cats been missing since yesterday afternoon. this'll be her second night not here and the longest she's ever been away from home. its been raining all day. its still raining. my wife thinks she might have gotten stuck up a tree. she hates the cold and being wet. also heights. she doesn't like jumping up to high places. we think she fell out of a tree when she was a kitten before I found her.
I looked for her all day and into tonight. stopped once it got too dark. gonna keep looking once the sun comes up again and I know I need go sleep before that happens
ive never actually bonded with an animal before but ive also never had one as long as ive had her. its been 10 years. ive also never had one go missing. i dont like new feelings. ive had 3 panic attacks and started crying like a dozen times. ive checked all over the house, every floor every room top to bottom over and over again. pretty much once every hour. I checked outside 4 times but I didn't search the trees in the backyard. thats the first thing I'm gonna check in the morning. I want to check now but its pitch black and I dont have a good enough flashlight. but its raining. its raining and she hates the rain and heights and the cold
I dont actually know what I'll do if shes dead. not finding her would somehow be worse. id just worry forever.. I still don't know how she got out, if she got out. my wife keeps telling me there's no way she's just dead inside the house. she wasn't sick. or old. theres nothing she could eat that would poison her. if she'd fallen inside and snapped her neck we'd have found her by now. the dogs would know and be acting weird. by tomorrow wed start to smell her.. shes gotta be outside
I just want her to be somewhere. anywhere. Its driving me insane that I dont know where she is or what's happening to her or where to find her. I dont even have a clue. she just disappeared into thin air. she's not an outside cat. everywhere I look and everything I do is a guess or a shot in the dark. I dont know what to do so im not doing enough. I could look for her better if I knew where she was. if I knew anything at all other than that I saw her in the kitchen yesterday afternoon and then haven't seen her since. I hate not knowing things I hate not having information I hate not knowing what the right thing to do next is. theres too many variables and too many options and I just don't know.
I spent all day tearing apart the house looking for her. what if shes been outside the whole time. I could have been looking outside more. I could have found her by now. what if I keep wasting more time and more days go by because I just don't know
I hate not knowing. it makes u make the wrong decisions. u dont know and then u do the wrong thing and then u get the bad outcome because u didn't know. I hate it I hate it I hate it. this is why I need to know everything all the time because if I just know things I can fix it. I never have enough information to just fucking fix it
I need to go to sleep. I want my cat back.
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also oops i saw you had sirens!riddler in there too and i haven't read that yet but i know what he looks like and he's another one who is apparently allergic to buttoning up his shirt (not a negative) so uh, in light of him being surrounded by other super hot girls, please afab/female reader who needs a bit of reassurance and is offered the line "that's it. that's my girl." 💜 (and also ily again u-u)
A/N: omg omg asdfgghjj to be told "that's my girl" by any of the green beans asdfgghhj I'd instantly melt on the spot. I took some liberty and changed the quote a tad because I'm a rule breaker u-u but the tone is still there. And YESSS PI Eddie! PI Eddie! This was the perfect way to destress after my breakdown yesterday rip. Also this ended up being so fuckin' sweet? Like I love this set-up I have going?? I wanna write another sequel? AGAIN? (ily too thanks so much for requesting you have the best ideas I stg)
Trigger Warnings: descriptions of an anxiety/panic attack, insecurities, strong language, overall hurt/comfort, and the comfort is extra sweet and soft
Word Count: 1.9 k
Gotham City Sirens!Riddler x F!Reader - That's My Girl
You were seething.
It's a wonder your skin wasn't bubbling from how hot your blood was boiling.
You were once again picking out leaves from your hair and sweeping thorns from under your desk.
Another visit from Selina, Pamela, and Harley. A popular trio that's been dropping in like flies to their favorite dumpster.
Not a surprise there. They always came knocking on Edward's door whenever they were in the slightest bind and didn't bother to put in a single ounce of effort to solve their own problems.
Now you know that's not true. You know Pam would do anything before asking Ed for help. They're smart and resourceful, only coming to Eddie when they've reached a dead end. Wouldn't you do the same?
You huffed as you slumped back into your desk chair. You would do the same.
Besides, Selina has done a few favors for Edward before his reformation…and a couple during it. He owes her.
You lean your head back and cover your face with your hands. You were already tired from cleaning, you really didn't need these mental gymnastics going on.
He can rely on her for anything. All he can rely on you for is his paperwork being in order and to push his new image.
That is all you were just some pencil pusher in a pencil skirt.
In a city full of super heroes, super villains, super geniuses and super sexy powerful women…it was really easy to feel incredibly puny. Incredibly ordinary and insignificant.
In Gotham, if you weren't a hero or a villain..you were a bystander or a victim…
What are you even doing here? What the hell were you thinking even having a chance with Edward? Edward Nygma at that, the fucking reformed Riddler…
"What am I doing here?"
Just like that the walls were slowly caving in. The walls painted with insecurity and founded on anxiety started crumbling. Suffocating you, claustrophobia setting in.
When you leaned back from your chair, you felt bile come up in the back of your throat. You barely managed to swallow it back down.
You couldn't say the same for the tears welling up in your eyes.
Your hand started shaking on your desk. Everything was hazy and foggy around you.
What are you doing? You wasted space! To think you could hold a candle to the likes of Selina Kyle…fucking Catwoman! Poison Ivy, Mother Nature incarnate! Harley fucking Quinn, the Joker's ex boo and a 10 to boot!
You barely made out the soft shushing sounds you were making. Your hands caged around your head doing anything to cease the nagging, taunting cruel voice in your head.
You laid your head on the desk, wrapping your hands and arms over your skull. Something, anything to make it stop.
"Please…please just stop.." You murmured into the long sleeve of your black blouse that no doubt had tear stains now.
"Y/N?"
Everything came to a screeching halt. The mocking voice, the falling walls, the shakes, the tears. Everything.
Shit.
You popped your head up from under your arms like a jack in the box. Immediately grabbing the nearest and softest material to wipe your face with.
"Oh..umm…hi Mr. Nygma, I-Im sorry um..I was uhh.."
"I see Pam left a mess again. Funny, how much she wants to clean the environment but can't clean up after herself.." Ed chuckles in a remorseful tone. As he recalls the weeks she manipulated him with her pheromones and made herself at home in his apartment.
"Y-Yeah, can't…can't miss her that's for sure." You sniffle.
"Are you all right? Did something happen while I was out?"
"Oh no, no, nothing like that Mr. Nygma…I, I think I may just be having a small allergic reaction to Pam's plants."
Smooth.
If you don't shut up I swear to God…
Ed nodded but he doesn't look the slightest bit convinced. "I would have thought after a couple outings you would drop the formalities…"
You were fidgeting with the hem of your skirt. You lean back in your seat with your head hung low.
"Oh, yeah…sorry. Just force of habit…"
"We'll break that habit eventually, I'm sure."
"Hm.." You nodded solemnly.
Silence hung in the air for a moment.
Edward started walking towards his office, but not without a gnawing feeling in the back of his brain. Something upset you greatly, and he wants…no…needs to figure out what it is.
You were hesitant to divulge any information that much was certain. Your face was puffy and red, your eyes were watery. More in line with crying than an allergic reaction.
Think, Eddie, think…
She was fine this morning, bright even. Smiling and content. She brought us both coffee and she gave me some medicine for my growing migraines…things were going great. She was gonna ask you something…
Then of course Selina and the others came in with another – oh!
While the wheels started turning in his head, he already knew he couldn't leave you alone to your own devices again.
He stopped in front of his door with his hand gripped to the doorknob. He looked over his shoulder and was immediately taken aback by the forlorn look on your face.
You got up slowly from your chair and slung your satchel over your shoulder. It was five o'clock when you usually left anyway, and you needed to get out even if you didn't want to.
You did feel better with Ed around but you were worried the next thing he'd say may cause you to break down again.
"W-wait, Y/N…"
Damnit.
"S-sorry Mr.-- Ed…I'm not feeling myself, I was going to head home, unless there's something you need me to do, and I can take it with me?"
Ed shook his year. "N-No..no, umm…can I speak to you for a minute, in my office. Please, if you don't mind of course."
"Oh, ok..sure. I'll be right there."
You were cursing yourself in your head as you sat your bag on your desk and followed him to his office.
Funny, all the times you fantasized about this exact set up, you didn't imagine you'd had an emotional breakdown just before.
You took a seat in the chair in front of his desk and Ed made his way to his chair. He put down his cane and hung up his signature green suit jacket.
When Ed sat down he rolled up his white dress shirt sleeves and removed his eye mask.
You hate when he wears that thing. You understood why he did. He did look cute with it on, but you adore his eyes too much to want them hidden all the time.
You couldn't stand the silence, so you choked out. "I-I'm sorry, Edward…I just kinda got stuck in my own head. It was stupid, and I'm sorry you had to see that."
Ed furrows his brows. "You don't need to apologize for that. It's perfectly…normal, I'm even prone to that at times…sometimes more often than I care to admit."
"I can't even begin to imagine, but it was over something so…trivial..childish even."
"I can be the judge of that…If you don't mind discussing it with me?"
You felt your throat clamp up again. You wanted to talk to him, you appreciated him even giving you his time to help console you. You two have been going out, but nothing was entirely official, so he didn't have to do this.
"Can I take a guess?"
You nod.
"Was it Selina, Pam, and Harley from earlier?"
You lowered your head in defeat but muttered a "y-yes."
"Why?"
"T-They're just…they just make me feel so…inadequate. Like I shouldn't be here, in your world. I envy them, as much as I hate to admit it. They're smarter, stronger, and they're gorgeous –"
Your fingers have started tapping the wooden desk as you got lost in your anxious rambling. It wasn't until Edward put his warm hand over yours that made you stop. You gasp and look up at him.
"S-Sorry, see? It's so stupid."
"Stop. I'm gonna stop you right there…"
He reached his other hand to grab your other hand. He held both of your hands and squeezed them.
"It's not stupid. As I said it's normal, but I'm telling you now, you've earned your seat here. Why? Because you are intelligent. This world of mine with villains, heroes and crooks, it takes someone of strong will to take it on every single day. Even if you're behind a desk there's always that sliver of a chance of something happening, because of me and who I was and who I am now."
Your breathing was evening out again, despite the thumping of your heart, but it wasn't from anxiety for once.
"And you are gorgeous, you drew me on the first day I saw you. More so than any of those three, they don't hold a candle to you…"
He squeezed your hands again.
"Besides…there's one thing you'll have that they never will."
"What's that?"
He offered a soft smile, "Riddle me this…what’s extremely valuable, risky to give, hard to receive and sometimes impossible to repair once it’s been broken?"
You blinked for a moment. Your heart skipped another beat when you realized the answer.
"Trust?"
Edward rewarded you with a warm smile and kissed the back of one of your hands. "They may be acquaintances, I'll scratch their back if they scratch mine later, but I don't trust any of them as far as I can throw them. But I trust you with everything…and anything."
"You really mean that?"
Ed teasingly scoffed. "Y/N…I know I'm many things but a man of my word I'm certainly am, you should know that."
You giggled. "Y-Yeah I do…t-that's just…I never knew that, never thought of that."
"I know, I…I don't show it often how much I appreciate you and just how much you mean to me. This is fairly new territory for me…but I would like to do better."
You couldn't deny it any longer. You got up from your chair and went over to his side of the desk. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him into an embrace.
"T-Thank you," you whispered in his ear. He slowly stood up and wrapped his arms around your waist.
You kissed his cheek before you looked back into his eyes. "By the way, you're doing great."
Ed chuckled. "Good to know."
You giggled at the all too familiar lopsided smirk he gave you.
Edward leaned in and kissed your forehead. He brought his hand up to your cheek and caressed your cheek with his thumb.
"Wasn't there something you wanted to ask me this morning? Before we were very rudely interrupted."
"Hmm..oh!" You had gotten so infuriated after Ivy entwined you with her vines, tossed you out of the room, and constricted you to your chair…you completely forgot.
"Umm…oh! I was wondering if you would like to have dinner tonight…at..at my place?” You smiled sweetly.
Edward’s heart swelled up on the inside. Your eyes were bright with excitement, your posture was lax and comfortable against him, and your beaming smile was absolutely precious to him.
He couldn’t resist when he tucked your chin between his thumb and forefinger and brought your lips to his in a tender kiss. When he pulled away, he chuckled at your widened eyes and cheeks dusted a rosy hue. You smiled before you hid your reddening face into his shoulder. He tightened his hold on you, before he whispered in your ear:
“There she is, that’s my girl.”
#gotham city sirens riddler x reader#gotham city sirens edward nygma x reader#gotham city sirens riddler#gotham city sirens edward nygma#sirens!riddler x reader#sirens!edward nygma x reader#ri writes
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Here comes the next fill in for my Bad Things Happen Bingo Card:
Fandom: My time at Portia
Pairing: Arlo x Female Builder (Pre-Relationship/Getting Together)
Summary: Elenya's lungs haven't betrayed her this badly in a long time, so why did it have to happen now in front of her crush, the Civil Corps captain, of all people?
Word count: 5368
Prompt: Asthma Attack
Author's note: The idea for this was actually the reason I got a bingo card in the first place, so I'm glad I finally got the idea down on paper.
Please don't expect this to be medically accurate. I have read a lot about asthma (and have a mild variant myself), but have never had an attack myself, so I have written this to the best of my knowledge and hope it makes somes sense.
Warnings: Asthma Attack (who would have thought)
Read on AO3: Link
Training for the Flying Pigs
Autumn in Portia was cold, much colder than Elenya was used to from Barnarock. It was already approaching winter, the leaves of the trees decorating the ground more than the branches, and if the air had not been so dry, she wouldn’t have been surprised if the first snowflakes were already falling.
It was one of those cold mornings, the sun barely rising, when Elenya wrapped herself in her warmest sportswear. She still could not believe what she was about to do!
Arlo had asked her yesterday if she would like to work out with him one morning. She knew that since the fall had started, he had been working out much harder than usual. He often passed by her workshop in the morning and threw her a cheery "good morning" and she knew for a fact that she could never keep up with him. However, he had looked at her with such anticipation and eagerness that she just couldn't say no.
She just couldn't refuse those deep blue eyes and soft voice. And secretly, she was also looking forward to spending more time with him, even if she will make a fool of herself in front of him. She was good with an axe, pickaxe and even a sword, but when it came to endurance, it really wasn't her strength.
But now she had to go through that. She quickly slipped into her sports shoes and then stepped out of her house. Directly she was greeted by a cold gust of wind and she shivered slightly, but the run would hopefully warm her up quickly.
With a soft smile on her lips, she made her way to Peach Place where they were to meet and could already see Arlo waiting patiently for her in the distance. With swift steps, she caught up to him.
"Good morning, Elenya. Ready for our run?" The soft chuckle that escaped him sent a pleasant shiver down her spine and she could feel her cheeks flush.
Damn, what was this man doing to her? Hopefully he was blaming the redness on the cold.
"Good morning, Arlo. Yes, I'm ready. Lead the way, I'll be right behind you." With a gentle smile, she instructed him to go ahead and he didn't need to be told twice.
Arlo started directly with a fast but steady pace and Elenya tried to keep up. They jogged past her workshop towards the river and then turned left towards the waterfall. At first she could keep up with him quite well, but the cold air started to sting in her lungs and it got harder to breathe.
Damn, they had just started running, why was she already out of breath?
She tried to adjust her breathing, but it felt like a belt was wrapped around her chest. Her breathing got shallow and started to sound more like a wheeze and panic rose in her.
Fuck, why coulnd’t she breathe?
It took a moment before she could place the symptoms.
An asthma attack!
Oh God, why did this have to happen now? She had often struggled with it as a child, but for the past few years she'd had little more than a coughing fit now and then, and since she'd been in Portia she'd had no problems at all. The salty sea air had been perfect for her lungs.
Completely out of breath, she stopped and called desperately for Arlo. His name came barely more than a gasp from her lips, but he must have heard her anyway, because only seconds later a strong hand grabbed her upper right arm.
"Elenya! What's wrong?" Arlo's voice was laced with concern. He could probably hear the unnatural sound of her breathing, and with difficulty she brought the word "asthma" past her lips. The band around her chest grew stronger and a strangled cough escaped her.
"Shit, shit, shit..." Panic resonated in his voice, but he seemed to catch himself quickly. His second hand closed around her other upper arm and he bent his knees slightly so he could look her firmly in the eyes. "Hey, it's going to be alright. I'm going to help you sit down now, okay?"
Elenya could only nod. Her heartbeat quickened and everything around her blurred. The only thing that remained were the deep blue eyes in front of her that held her gaze captive.
Numbly, she followed his lead until she was sitting on the ground, her legs stretched out in front of her.
"Great, just like this. I'm going to sit behind you now, okay? I'm going to help you breathe, just follow my voice."
The blue eyes disappeared from her sight and immediately the panicked feeling inside her intensified, making it even harder to breathe.
Damn it, she needed to calm down! Panicking was about the worst thing one could do during an asthma attack.
Fortunately, before she could panic any further, a warm chest pressed against her back and a warm hand came to rest on her chest, pushing her back.
"Lean against me. I need you to sit as upright as possible so your airway can open up."
She tried to follow his calmly spoken words.
"Yes, just like that. You're doing great, sweetie. Now breathe in through your nose, as deeply as you can. Then exhale through your mouth while pursing your lips as if you were going to whistle."
Arlo's voice was calm and warm next to her ear and she really tried to follow his instructions, but her chest just wouldn't expand. Desperately, she reached for the hand that lay gently at her waist and clutched at it.
"I... I... can't..." Another strangled cough escaped her and she couldn't suppress a soft whimper.
God, that hurt so much.
"Yes, you can. Follow my breathing. Inhale...," he inhaled exaggeratedly so she could feel it in her back. "And exhale, two, three, four."
Strained, she followed his breathing, focusing on the warm legs that framed hers, the large warm hand at her waist, and the hand that still rested gently on her chest instead of the terrible burning in her lungs.
"You're doing great. Inhale... Exhale, 2, 3, 4."
Like this, they sat for a while in the middle of the path just before the Portia Bridge, Arlo's warm, soothing voice all the while a firm anchor for her to cling to. Little by little, the band around her chest loosened and breathing became easier with each conscious breath.
Arlo's voice trailed off as it became certain that she could breathe on her own again, and for the next few minutes she did just that. Breathing. Until she finally felt ready to speak again.
"Arlo?"
"Yeah?"
"I think my butt is frozen to the floor."
The deep laugh that followed her dry statement flooded her with warmth and expelled the last bit of tension in her body. Exhausted, she let herself fall a little more against Arlo.
"I think mine is too." Laughter and relief resonated in his voice and he gently squeezed her waist. "Do you think you can get up? Your breathing sounds better, but we really need to get you to Dr. Xu."
Good question. Did she dare to stand up?
The band around her ribcage had loosened again, but the cold air still stung her lungs with every breath and she was already dreading climbing all those steps up to the clinic. What if it started all over again right away? She wouldn't withstand another asthma attack today.
Arlo seemed to notice her hesitation. "We don't have to yet. Take as much time as you need, sweetie." His voice was warm and soothing right next to her ear and he gently squeezed her waist once more.
There it was again!
She thought she had imagined it earlier, but this time she certainly hadn't misheard. If he noticed what he called her? And did he mean it the way she thought?
With a slight shake of her head, she drove the thought out of her mind. She was far too exhausted and exhilarated to think about her feelings now and instead leaned even more into Arlo's embrace with relief. Dr. Xu could wait a little longer.
So they continued to sit on the ice-cold floor, Elenya concentrating on her breathing, trying to match her breaths to Arlo's. His chest at her back was warm, as was his breath brushing her cheek now and then, and after another 5 minutes she finally felt ready to stand up.
The fact that she was frozen to the bones by now had nothing to do with it.
With a quiet, regretful sigh, she leaned away from Arlo. Immediately her back was hit by the morning cold and she couldn't suppress a slight shiver, which of course didn't go unnoticed.
"Oh, are you freezing? Wait, let me help you up, I've got something for you."
Before she knew what was happening, Arlo was already standing in front of her, both hands stretched down to her, waiting. Confused, she looked up at the redhead, but put her hands in his and let him help her up.
Her legs didn't want to carry her at first, but Arlo's quick reflexes fortunately kept her from crashing back down to the ground again. His arms wrapped around her back in a flash and he pulled her tightly against his chest.
Damn, she had forgotten how exhausted she was after such asthma attacks.
"Don't worry, I've got you." Arlo's voice was just as sure as the arms holding her up and, relying on his strength, she gave her body a moment to gather enough energy to support her own weight.
Once it did, she disengaged herself from Arlo slightly and looked up at him apologetically. Now that she could think a little more clearly, guilt made its way inside her.
Why had she even gone along with him? Just because she wanted to spend more time with him?
The only thing it had gotten her, was making a fool of herself in front of him and ruined his training on top of that. She hadn't even managed to run a fraction of his normal distance.
"Thank you... And, I'm sorry..."
Embarrassed, she looked down at her feet until a warm, rough hand softly cupped her cheek and gently pushed her head up. Confused, she looked up into soft blue eyes, a furrow appearing between them.
"Hey, you don't have to apologise for anything. I'm sorry I talked you into this. If I'd known what was going to happen, I wouldn't have asked you to come along. But enough of that, you're still freezing and we need to get you to Dr. Xu. Everything else can wait."
He took a step away from her.
"It probably doesn't smell as pleasant anymore, but it should still be better than freezing." Puzzled, Elenya watched Arlo take off first his white jacket and then the grey sweater he wore underneath. She couldn't help but stare at his now exposed, muscular arms, as he stood in front of her in only an undershirt, until they were covered again by his jacket.
"Here, this should warm you up a bit." Embarrassed, she quickly looked back up into his face to just catch him lifting the grey sweater and pulling it over her head. Immediately she was enveloped in wonderful warmth and an even better smell. Contrary to what he had said, the sweater smelled amazing to her. There was a slight smell of sweat clinging to it, but it wasn’t pungent, instead giving off a wonderful smell of Arlo.
She quickly slipped her arms through the sleeves and then buried her cold nose in the warm fabric, inhaling its wonderful scent. The deep inhale didn't please her lungs at all, though, and sent her into a painful coughing fit.
Immediately Arlo was at her side again, one hand on her upper arm supporting her while the other gently stroked her back.
It took almost a minute for her to catch her breath and she was briefly afraid that the attack would start all over again. But then the stuck mucus finally loosened and she was able to take an almost full breath.
Once she got enough oxygen back into her system, she looked gratefully up at Arlo, who was still gently stroking her back, looking at her full of concern. " Thank you, again... But aren't you cold now?"
A soft smile spread across his lips. "Don't worry about me. As long as you're not cold." His smile didn't last long, however, and the furrow between his eyes returned. "Think you can make it up to the clinic? I'd get Spacer, but I hate to leave you alone..."
A slight blush rose to Elenya's face. She still sometimes couldn't believe how sweet and considerate this otherwise very stoic man could be. And to have this kind-heartedness fully directed at her did things to her heart that were not normal.
She quickly pulled herself together, though, and braced herself for the way ahead. "I have no choice if I want to be able to breathe properly again today..."
"We'll go as fast as you can. If you need a break, please let me know right away, okay?" Arlo's look was serious and at her nod, his right hand placed itself supportingly against her lower back and they started walking towards the east gate.
Fortunately it was still early enough that there were hardly any people on the streets. Only Mars was already preparing his store for the day and he immediately gave them a worried look. Somewhat ashamed, Elenya hid a little more behind Arlo. It was already bad enough that Arlo saw her in such a weak condition, it didn't have to spread all over Portia.
Arlo must have silently communicated something to Mars, though, because after a moment's hesitation, the latter turned back to his store and acted somewhat exaggeratedly as if he didn't notice them at all.
Gratefully, she smiled briefly up at Arlo. Climbing the stairs was going to be bad enough, she really didn't need any more prying eyes on her.
As expected, the climb was going difficultly. The first few steps were fine, but then her lungs contracted painfully again and she was plagued by another coughing fit.
Arlo immediately reached for her upper arm again to support her and stroked her back soothingly with his other hand until the coughing subsided again.
That's how it went all the way to the clinic. After just a few steps, Elenya needed to pause again and again to either cough it out or catch her breath. Arlo's warm hand on her lower back and his gentle encouragement were the only things that could get her to keep walking.
She was so exhausted by now and her chest hurt so much that she would have preferred to just curl up on the floor and sleep. To forget her damn lungs for a moment at least.
How she hadn't missed this shit at all.
Arriving at the clinic, Arlo's arm had meanwhile moved from her lower back and wrapped around her waist to support more of her weight. Elenya's head was leaning heavily against his shoulder and she was barely bearing any of her own weight, but he didn't seem to mind at all.
Like that, the two of them stepped through the door to Dr. Xu's clinic, where they were immediately greeted by the doctor with a worried look.
"Elenya, are you alright? Are you hurt?" The doctor stepped quickly around his desk towards the two, but before he reached them, Elenya was overcome by the next violent coughing fit, the rapid change in air temperature around her, another strain on her lungs.
This time, however, it didn't just stop at coughing, but the band around her chest tightened up again and she was left wheezing.
She only vaguely noticed how she was led to one of the hospital beds. Strong arms lifted her up onto the bed and then there was the warm hand on her chest again, pushing her into an upright position.
Blue eyes pierced through her green ones and she strained to follow Arlo's counting for her breaths. This time, fortunately, she didn't have to wait it out as long, because shortly afterwards Dr. Xu also appeared in her field of vision, a vial of brown liquid in his hand.
"Here, this should help quickly." With trembling hands she reached for the vial, but Arlo quickly took over for her and held it gently to her lips.
Through her gasping breath she managed to drink the bitter liquid and tensely the two men waited for the medicine to take effect.
Over the next 2 minutes, Elenya felt the tightness around her chest gradually ease until she could take a somewhat decent breath again. Relieved, she slumped down and took a few careful deep breaths.
Her lungs were still aching and the coughing reflex wasn’t gone, but she could finally expand her chest fully again and gratefully she threw the doctor an exhausted smile.
"Very good. That was a mixture of highly concentrated caffeine, that will help your bronchial tubes to dilate again. Now I'll make you another mixture of thyme and ribwort. That should help the inflammation go down and hopefully you'll be able to breathe unhindered again soon. It will take a moment, so try to relax and breathe evenly for now."
Dr. Xu threw her a reassuring smile and then hurried to his small laboratory table to begin the tincture.
"You heard the doc. Here, let me help you again. Lean against me and follow my breaths." While speaking, Arlo sat down next to her on the bed, put his right arm around her shoulders, and with his left hand he reached for her right one to guide it to his chest.
The movement caused her upper body to turn in his direction and she found herself snuggled against his side. His large, calloused hand was warm over her cold one and she could feel his strong, steady heartbeat beneath it.
After a moment's hesitation, she let herself fall into his embrace.
If he pulled her to him, then that was okay, wasn't it?
The caffeine in her system drove her pulse up, but Arlo's warm presence and pleasant scent enveloping her calmed her and she concentrated fully on his breaths under her hand until hers matched.
The even breaths actually helped reduce the burning in her lungs and relieved and grateful she looked up at Arlo.
"Great, just like that. Just breathe, nothing else matters." A warm shiver ran through Elenya at Arlo's soft, humming voice, the vibration flowing through her body and bringing a slight blush to her face.
Oh how she wished she could stay like this forever.
In Arlo's strong arms, surrounded by his warmth and scent. But sadly, she was not his, as much as she would have liked to be. So she tried to enjoy the moment as long as she could, until something else came to her mind.
How long had they been here now? Surely he had much more important things to do than help her breathe!
Guilt ran through her and reluctantly she detached herself from Arlo. He let her sit up, but kept her hand in his and squeezed it anxiously.
"Are you alright? Can't you breathe again?" Deep concern was written on his face, and Elenya made an effort to calm him quickly.
"No, I'm fine. It's just... Surely you have much more important things to do than sit here with me...? I don't want to keep you..." Sadly, she looked down at her dangling feet.
She didn't want him to leave, but he was the captain of the Civil Corps. Portia needed him much more than she did.
Without saying anything, Arlo let go of her hand and stood up. Her heart contracted painfully, even though she had just told him herself he could go.
But then two warm hands enveloped her face and, surprised, she looked up into two soft blue eyes.
"Didn't I tell you to just concentrate on breathing? Please don't worry about anything else. I want to be here. I need to know you're okay. Beyond that, I want to make sure you get home safely." His voice was serious, but gentle. Just as gentle as the touch of his thumb caressing her cheek, into which she leaned happily.
He really wanted to stay with her?
"Thank you..."
"No need to thank me. So, what are you doing now?" A teasing smile tugged on his lips and she couldn't help but smile back.
"Breathe?"
"Exactly."
Arlo sat down next to her again and pulled her into the same position as before. Happily, she snuggled back up to him, not noticing the knowing, if somewhat exasperated, look Dr. Xu gave them both.
~~~~~~
They were in the clinic for almost another full hour. Dr. Xu gave her the freshly brewed mixture of thyme and ribwort, which effectively reduced the burning sensation in her lungs.
After that, Dr. Xu set out to find the cause of her sudden asthma attack. He asked her specific questions about how they used to occur, when she stopped having them, and what was different about today.
As she already knew, he also came to the conclusion that it must have been the dry cold air. While the air in Barnarock was also very dry, it was never as cold there as it was in Portia. Thus she now came into contact with this trigger for the first time.
To prevent her from not being able to work properly throughout the winter, Dr. Xu promised her that he would contact his master in Seesai to find out more about asthma. In the meantime, she should always carry a vial of the concentrated caffeine with her in case of an emergency.
In addition, she should drink thyme tea as often as possible and do steam inhalations with thyme to prevent additional bronchial inflammation. In addition, he will also make more of his medicine for her.
According to him, if she followed his plan, she should be able to get through the winter without any worries. Only if she plans to hunt monsters outside, for example in the Collapsed Wastelands, she should go with an escort.
Arlo sat close to her the whole time and listened to Dr. Xu's words with high concentration, as if he was memorising every single word. She was very touched by his concern for her health and already knew who she would ask when she ran out of blue leather again. Not to mention the fact that, judging by his serious expression, he won't let her take one step into the Collapsed Wastelands alone.
With a small supply of the brown liquid and a big thank you to Dr. Xu, Elenya left the clinic with Arlo and took a careful breath of the fresh, cold air outside.
To her delight, this didn't immediately send her into the next coughing fit, and relieved, she snuggled a little deeper into Arlo's jumper, which she still wore.
"Ready to go home?" Arlo's eyes looked down at her gently and, blushing slightly, she nodded.
"Yes, I'll be glad to lie down for a while. The caffeine is the only thing keeping me going right now and that probably won't last much longer. These asthma attacks are really more exhausting than one might think."
"Then we should ride with Spacer. I don't want you to have to struggle any more today." His gaze softened even more if possible and, embarrassed, she bit her lower lip, avoiding his gaze.
If he kept looking at her like that, she'd end up doing something foolish, like kissing him!
"Are you sure he won't mind? Won't we both be too heavy for him?" Concerned, Elenya looked over at the Civil Crops' stall where Spacer was calmly chewing on his hay.
A short, deep laugh escaped Arlo and he looked down at her teasingly. "Don't worry, he won't even notice such a small lightweight like you."
She pouted playfully. "Hey, I'm not that small!"
While she was quite comfortable with her height, even if she sometimes wished she was a little taller, she didn't have to rub it in Arlo's face right now.
Another wonderful laugh escaped him and with a gentle press to her lower back, he led her over to Spacer.
With skilled movements, Arlo buckled the saddle around Spacer's back and a blink of an eye later, she suddenly found herself on the horse's back.
"What...?" Wide-eyed, Elenya looked down at Arlo, who was grinning teasingly at her again.
"See? Small and a lightweight."
This time completely out of breath for a different reason, she continued to stare at him. She had been lucky enough to catch sight of his arms earlier, but she hadn't expected him to be so strong that he could just lift her up like that.
Damn, what else was hiding under those clothes?
Hoping Arlo didn't catch on to her thoughts, she quickly twisted her lips back into a pout and turned away from him, arms crossed.
As hoped, his warm laugh sounded again and automatically a soft smile crept onto her face as well.
"Please don't be angry with me. You are perfect the way you are." There was still humour in his voice, but in the second part, it became gentle and serious.
Oh God, had he really just said that?
She felt her face turning bright red and the fact that Arlo quickly squeezed her knee softly, before unceremoniously swinging up onto the saddle behind her and putting an arm gently around her waist didn't help at all.
"Comfortable?"
"Yes, thank you..." Her voice was just a shy whisper and she couldn't tell if her "thank you" was just in reference to his question or also to the compliment so easily uttered, but it was definitely sincere.
She was more than comfortable. Arlo's strong chest was like a warm wall in her back again, his legs gently pressed against hers, his arm around her waist a comfortable weight and on top of that she was enveloped in his warm, comforting scent.
She could have stayed like this forever.
Only her body seemed to take that as an opportunity to let go of its last bit of energy and her exhaustion returned in one fell swoop.
As if a doll had had its strings cut, she slumped and her head came to rest against Arlo's shoulder. Immediately she tried to straighten up a little, not wanting to lean on him so much, but the arm around her waist tightened and Arlo's voice sounded softly beside her ear.
"It's alright. Get some rest. I've got you." To emphasise his words, he pressed her even closer and a little hesitantly she snuggled up to him.
A pleased hum rumbled in Arlo's chest and then he finally took the reins with his free hand and in a slow trot they set off towards her workshop.
Could it really be that he enjoyed her closeness as much as she enjoyed his?
Happy and exhausted, Elenya turned her head to the side and buried her face in Arlo's neck, inhaling more of his calming scent and noting that this was only possible because she was so much smaller than him.
Being small definitely had its advantages.
~~~~~~
Arriving at her workshop, Arlo helped Elenya off her horse and then gently led her into her home until she could sit down on her bed, exhausted. She would have loved to snuggle under her blanket and sleep all day, but she had to change at least and, more importantly, Arlo was still standing in front of her and looking at her with such a warm look that it made her blush again.
God, can't he finally stop doing that? Her heart was about to jump out of her chest!
She tried to cover her embarrassment with a slight cough, which turned out to be a bad idea as Arlo's look immediately turned back to concern.
"Are you alright? Do you feel okay or are you having trouble breathing again?"
Guilt spread through her and quickly she reached for Arlo's hand that was hovering uncertainly in front of her and squeezed it reassuringly.
"I'm fine, Arlo. Please don't worry."
A deep sigh escaped him and, letting go of her hand, he sat down to her left on the bed.
"Sorry, you just gave me quite a scare earlier. Still a little tense, I guess." He threw her a crooked smile and she looked at him in surprise.
She had scared him? He had seemed so composed and knew exactly what to do! Much faster than she, who should actually know what to do in case of an asthma attack.
That thought brought her to the question that had been haunting the back of her mind all the while.
"I'm sorry, Arlo. But believe me, it didn't scare me any less. But how did you actually know exactly what I had to do? Most people usually freak out first when someone has an asthma attack. You knew how to help me faster than I knew how to help myself, and I grew up with it."
Curious, Elenya looked up into the blue eyes that were looking at her so warmly again that she would have loved to just lean over and kiss him. With difficulty, she restrained herself and instead concentrated on his answer.
"Well, I more or less grew up with it too, but because I had a childhood friend who also struggled with asthma. That's how I learned a lot about it, especially how to help him should he have an attack. He and his family moved away from Portia a long time ago, but that knowledge has remained, thankfully. I'm glad I was able to help, I'm just sorry it occurred at all because of me..."
Guilt now crept into Arlo's voice as well, and exasperated, she reached for his hand that rested next to hers on the bed. She hadn't thought he was serious about the nonsense from earlier.
"It wasn't your fault, Arlo. How were you supposed to know? And I'm actually quite glad it happened this morning during your workout. I don't want to know what would have happened if I had had the asthma attack somewhere all by myself, for example among monsters in the Collapsed Wasteland. If it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't have been able to control the attack because of sheer panic. But now I know what to expect this winter and can prepare accordingly."
Calmly and with a gentle smile, she looked him firmly in the eyes, hoping her point had gotten through to him.
The guilt did not leave his face, however, and at his next sentence she had had enough.
"If you put it that way, I'm really glad I was there but still...mpfh."
With her free hand she had grabbed his collar and pulled him down to her, gently placing her lips on his. This silenced him successfully and after a moment's hesitation, he returned the kiss just as gently. His left hand came up to cup her cheek and neck and a happy little sound escaped her.
After a wonderful moment, Arlo broke away from her again, but didn't move far, leaving her cheek cradled in his palm.
"What was that for?" His voice was just a whisper and he smiled softly at her, a slight blush standing on his cheeks, probably not unlike hers.
Her heart overflowed with love for the selfless man before her, and she couldn't believe he actually returned her kiss.
"Thank you, Arlo. For everything. For staying with me, and for getting me home safely. I really don't know what I would have done without you."
"If you want, you never have find out."
With that, he lowered his lips back down to hers and brimming with happiness, she let herself fall into his tender kiss, her exhaustion forgotten for the moment.
#badthingshappenbingo#bad things happen bingo: asthma attack#my time at portia#mtap#my time at portia arlo#mtap arlo#mtap builder#mtap female builder#arlo my love#mtap builder elenya
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39th post
Hey! It's been a fucking while, hasn't it? Haven't really needed to post anything in a long fucking time, but I would really like to scream into the void today, if that's alright, internet.
So, yesterday, I saw my ex at a gas station I went to with the intent of filling up my car's tank. After I left, got home, ate lunch, and went to play video games and talk with my friends, I had a fucking micro panic attack that I was genuinely sure would have happened upon realizing I saw my ex at the gas station, realizing they were a foot away from me at one point, realizing that I was truly still terrified of them... Fuck! I'm still so not okay, and I can't talk to the person I used to about this because I found out within the last month that she cheated on my other friend and lied to me and another mutual friend of the cheater, the cheated on, and myself to make it seem like she was the one who was wronged by the one who was cheated on, so I dropped her as a friend like a hot sack of shit, and upon reflection with the friend who was cheated on, I found out that she intentionally did a lot of the same things to my friend that my ex did to me, so that bridge is now fully burned regardless of what happens to her in her life. And I really don't want to talk to my crush friend about how I'm feeling about all of this because I really don't want to overwhelm her with my issues when she has so much to deal with in her life as is, and I care about her too much to put my issues on her already overflowing plate. And then to add on to it, I had a nightmare about my ex being in my life again last night that made me wake up in fucking heaving tears that I really don't want to disclose to the internet because even remembering the nightmare feels like I'm being violated with their blatant lies again.
I wish I could talk with my crush friend about this, though... and I wish I could tell her more, I wish I could tell her without words that I'm always here to protect and help her if she needs it, that I wish I could have seen the eclipse with her the other day with our hands intertwined, that I wish she and I could just hang out sometime, not as a date, not as anything but just as two old friends catching up because the last time our friend group hung out mostly all together (the hangout where I realized I might have feelings for her) I had to leave shortly after she got there, I wish that I could just look into her eyes while she smiles and then smile earnestly back, I wish I could help her with the situation she is currently in, but I can't talk to her about it or do all of that. At least not anytime soon, because that nightmare, it proved to the irrational side of me that I don't deserve to be there for someone when I failed my ex, despite it being not my fault for the awful situation I was in, it not being my fault for failing them, it not being my fault for not being enough when I couldn't be what their ideal version of me was, the version of me they put on a pedestal and told me to keep steady or I'd fall and get hurt, and I'm too much of a shaky person to keep my hands steady.
I care for my friend who I have a crush on, I really do, and she knows I do care for her and that I like her, but I really feel like for her to have the best life, I can't be in it as anything more than a dude who's been one of her best friends since middle school, you know? I feel like I'm just gonna drag her down with me, farther and farther from happiness.
But she makes me so happy, and I think I make her happy too, she always seems happy to text me, and she wouldn't be the kind of person to keep the feeling of being annoyed or hurt by someone away from that person. So, maybe I can keep making her happy? I'd really like that, honestly
I'm rambling and have gone on way too much about this today, sorry, I just needed to get the worlds out of my head. I guess have a great day, everybody who may read this. Remember to drink plenty of water, eat well and plenty, and get plenty of sun. Remember to love yourself as you love other, and I wish you Love and Laughter always, and see you next time I see you, I guess?
#personal rants#abuse survivor#abuse recovery#or lack thereof I guess#nightmare#I wish I didn't feel like shit for things that were done to me#I wish I had recovered as much as I thought#I have recently started to fucking feel like I'm only truly now starting to put myself back together when I thought I had been doing so wel#fucking fuck fuck!#I don't think I'm okay#but I keep needing to be okay for my friends because helping others is what has been helping me for the longest time#sorry for so many fucking tags on this one just too many thoughts I don't think will fit in the post
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honestly I wouldn’t put too much stock in follower counts and activity pages. obviously we have no idea how many followers users have but I’d wager it’s around 50 for most people, and depending on how long you’ve been on here, a good chunk of them might be inactive or lurkers.
furthermore, this used to be the reblogging things site, which has since been plagued with likes only. it’s like that for a lot of posts, big blog or otherwise. but the problem with that is, if no one reblogs things, there’s less opportunity for more notes in the first place.
the moral of this story is, do whatever you want and don’t worry about adding your voice on anything! the numbers do not matter at all
Thanks so much anon, that's very kind of you to say!!! I love every single one of my followers, even the inactive ones and even the scandalously dressed ladybots that I haven't reported & blocked yet. XD Like, I seem to be miscommunicating lately, and it feels like maybe I'm coming across as upset/stressed out/angry without meaning to? So I'm gonna take this chance to needlessly describe my activities for the last 24 to 48 hours to prove a point lmfao.
Yesterday morning, I was reintroducing my grumpy timid cat to a super friendly cat I will be cat-sitting for the next month or so, which was super fun and one of my special interests. After that, I was chillin with my fandom homies while we played Jackbox and heard each other's voices for the first time ever (voices that were audibly referencing Vader's Uterus lmfao so I was pretty ecstatic). After that, I played around with my INCREDIBLE Vader bop-it toy that I bought yesterday based on a friend's recommendation. My first Hasbro merch ever. :) I'm in love and I still can't believe it's a real thing that exists.
At that point, I checked Tumblr and... yeah, admittedly I panicked a little because I was a bit scared I'd soon get a bunch of angry asks screaming at me for being a meanyhead (to beat a horse dead, this is just a regular run-of-the-mill anxiety of having a fandom blog and it is absolutely nobody's fault). So I spent an hour or so chatting with a friend until I felt better and then I quickly made the post in question regarding my follower count so that, despite the bewildering attention Five Peggats Each has gotten, everyone would know the truth about my lack of influence lmao. (This is a compliment. From me to me. I like my lack of influence. I'm not fucking kidding lol. I actually have panic attacks sometimes about the idea of becoming internet famous. I literally don't want that lmao. Fifty to a hundred followers is an A+ amount imo, so it's about time I guess it's about time I start losing those pornbots lmfaoo.) Anyway, last night was probably the first time I've checked my follower count in the entire history of this blog tbh. So like, you're being super sweet, anon, and I'm hoping other people will see this too because it's absolutely true and I think your words would be very encouraging and reassuring to anyone who sees this!! But I promise you that my activity log statistics and teh amount of followers I have are not things I spend time thinking about.
Once that was all taken care of, I wrote/edited a little bit for my fic for QuinObi week (SO EXCITED! Literally just a few more days!). Then at around 4am, I woke up with middle-of-the-night epiphanies on how to phrase a couple things/finish/tidy up my thoughts for that Fox opinions post, and I lay in bed working on that for an hour or so. After that, I went back to sleep, woke up, chatted with the fandom homies again, and then, ever since, I've been playing a video game I've been dying to play all week. Until about an hour ago, I literally had no idea what may or may not have been going down on Tumblr, and I wasn't thinking about it at all. And now that I've enjoyed myself on Tumblr for the day, I'm probably gonna invite my mom up tonight so she can spend time with the cats while I use her as a captive audience to talk about Vader's Uterus lmfao. And then at about 10pm, I'm gonna head bed because I work for a living and I forgot to ask if I get the holiday off.
All of this to say I am fine!! I'm just chilling, living my life, doing my own thing. For me, Tumblr is like a fun thing to check out every once in a while, the same way I spent time playing my video game, enjoying my Vader bop-it toy, hoarsing around with the cats, or anything else that strikes my fancy. Kidney stones and abusive ex-bosses are the things I worry about, not like.... a pixelated number on a screen lmao. In other words, this is a hobby to me, not a livelihood, and if I wasn't enjoying my time here, I literally would not log on (and sometimes I don't log on! For days and days at a time. Because I'm enjoying other things more!)
But anyway, I will say that the thing that makes it the most fun for me here? People like you!! Who send me asks. Who share their thoughts on my posts. Who became friends that give me the confidence to make the posts that I wanna make. Who have other fun lil interactions with me. So (1) Please don't worry about me. I'm fully medicated, my back is sore, and I'm too old to be upset over fandom things lmao. And (2) I really cannot thank you and everyone who makes my fandom experience so enjoyable!!! :D Y'all are great and I'm thrilled to be able to have fun here. I'm living my best life.
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Hey friends ~.~
It's been a while. Work has been busy and fucking stressful. We are prepping the kids for the upcoming state assessments. We have less than a month and we have to meet so many kids for tutoring. We need to start working on plans to attend Saturdays. It's been a thing. We are planning our glow theme week to make things really fun for the kids.
I actually had a a really normal day yesterday. I don't want to say normal but it was one of the days that I didn't worry about having a panic attack, not a lot of anxiety, not having intrusive thoughts or fears. I was present and had so much fun with my coworkers. We had a professional development day and it was good. We were productive and had a fun team building project. I needed that type of connection with them because when we get together in lunch, we just talk about work work work. Which is not our fault but it is what it is. Lunch was fun too! My coworker and I were jamming out to One Direction and omg we were having so much fun. it was just a wonderful day.
My anxiety did kick in later in the afternoon though. To be honest, despite the crazy outside of mind thoughts Im having, I know that I'm getting better. I think I have known but I had to take off the training wheels off my bike to know what I'm capable of. For example, I thought my family dog, Maxine, was helping me in some way with my mental health but she was low key stressing me out and not letting me sleep which affected my anxiety. I say family dog because she lives with my mom and I bring her in when my husband leaves for work so I don't feel so alone. She helped me get outside to take her for a walk so that did help with my lab numbers lol. But I really want to start walking by myself after work. My husband left this past Wednesday for a few days and he said not to bring back Maxine because were were planning to have his mom here for spring break but she changed her mind last minute. I was nervous about not having Maxine but I know that this is happening for a reason. I do miss her a lot though.
I'm gonna talk about three more growths and then make my lunch lol. I haven't had a session in two weeks which is fine because my therapist was sick and we had conflicting schedules. That made me nervous too but then again I've been wanting to start bi weekly sessions. I know I can text her if I need her. She is great about that. <3
In the beginning of my recovery in in September, I bought play-doh to help me with my anxiety but I was so hyper focused about smells and how i thought it will give me panic attacks, I ended up giving the play-doh to my students bc it had a smell. *face palm* but it's valid lol. So yesterday during the team building project with my coworkers, we had to build a tower with uncooked spaghetti and play-doh. I was excited. I was like "oh my god, let me smell it. *smells it with delight* It's so nostalgic." Then 20 minutes within the project, it clicked that "oh shit, i used to be scared to be near play-doh." I feel awesome about it.
My next thing is that I drove with someone in the passenger seat. For some reason, i get more anxious when I have someone one in the passenger seat. One time in October, I picked up my coworker because her car was in the shop. I said yes with confidence but I was anxious as hell. I just told her that I won't be able to talk or anything lol. Well yesterday, a colleague was looking for her truck in the parking lot (it's a long story) and she asked if I could give her a ride around the area to find it. I said yes with no problem and we drove around and then it clicked that I had someone in the passenger seat and we were having a conversation and I'm like omg I have had growth haha.
I'm proud of myself. Please keep going, it's gets better with good change. <3
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venting ahead
don't look please
just needed to release everything
its never too late for me to start working
I've been procrastinating for too long
my entire chest aches
and I haven't even started on the things i have to do
so many books left to read
so many exams to give
hell, more than these, there are too many expectations
and every time I vent, it just feels like I'm faking for attention
I'm laughing with tears streaming down my face, scratching my neck, pulling my hair, franticly wiping my tears, screaming, sobbing while trying to take a walk to calm myself
music was blaring outside yesterday
and people still think I'm happy and fine and okay and gods know what
I'm so tired of thinking I'm doing all this for attention and that I'm a fucking fraud
I cried too much last night
and stared at the ceiling while laying motionlessly on my bed
went to the toilet and sat there terrified of having nightmares or sleep paralysis
its getting worse everyday
us making plans to meet on that specific day after 20 yrs
just for fun
I said "If I'm alive ofc"
I looked happy saying that
and my friend who knows how shit my mental health looked so worried
she freaked out when I screamed at my friend to stop packing my bags
I freaked out because it was fucking my brain up in all wrong ways
my arms started to shake
just because my books were packed weird (felt weird to me, it was completely fine)
she and my best friend looked so helpless while I had a full blown panic attack in our classroom
my best friend hates my family because she knows they are primarily the reason I'm so fucked up
I don't hate them
never did
last night i asked why she compares me to her in-laws
my mother can be so selfish
and a hypocrite
called me selfish and horrible
that i'll never be a good person
and then last night she said that she only says such because they ill-treated her
and she hopes they were dead
I asked, do I really treat her as such
she said, I never said that
then proceeded to talk about her trauma
even though I asked her to let me know why she hates me so much
i want to talk to someone
be held
just someone to sit with
I want to cry
so hard
she asked if I had been crying today
I said no
I want to bang my head until my skull cracks
have been calling myself all sorts of shit things
and I know they are true
and if anyone else says I'm not
then I know they're pitying me
if they yes, then I'll sit quiet
and then start to cry later
not me hating how I've wrote 'I' too many times
like my own existence bothers me
don't wanna cry
but then how am I suppose release this feeling
my chest hurts and feels like something's gnawing at it in the middle
I'm tired of feeling
tired of being tired
and my arms are weak
my stomach
it doesn't feel good
I'm gonna cringe at this
not like I'll read this again
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Yesterday I came across some old pictures of my ex doing things around the yard. This was long before he deteriorated mentally and the light left his eyes.
His mugshots are pasty and sickly looking. And I know that psychiatric meds are not cure-alls, but when he was on them, HE WAS FINE. He was happy, no longer paranoid, and focused on his goals. But he stopped taking them, saying he didn't need them, and got worse and worse until he reached that point of no return.
I could complain about my ex all day but that's not why I'm writing this. The problem is that this is an ongoing theme I keep encountering. My dad was visiting and said this woman he knows called off her engagement because her long-term partner became depressive and couldn't get out of bed or function. I had another ex like that back in 2011. He would just lay still, not talking, and only cry during severe depressive episodes.
Last week I was talking to a dating site random who said his ex-girlfriend really fucked up his life. I asked what happened and he said he was depressed and not "opening up about it" so she left him after 5 years. He felt abandoned. But I saw another side. Maybe she was a bad girlfriend... or maybe she just got fed up and had to save herself.
Watching someone you love deteriorate and not help themselves is fucking AGONIZING. They can't see past their own shit but at the same time they won't do anything to help themselves! I know there are women the same way but I keep seeing a lot of male ego in all of this, where they view seeing a therapist as "weak" and not manly.
But you can go to a regular GP and get basic anti-depressants and whatnot. Then people will say, oh, but the cost... Most of the men I've dealt with, with these severe issues, had free insurance. My ex got all his healthcare for free because he had Medicaid.
Overall, with the mentally ill, there is a theme of "I don't need a doctor and I don't need meds" while they literally just sit there and rot. Denial comes with the territory here, and I have no idea why. There is no quality of life in being depressed, manic, or having panic attacks all the time. Again, medicine isn't a cure-all but I've seen it work and I damn sure know it would fix A LOT of problems in these people.
As I talked more with the guy whose girlfriend of 5 years left him, I found out he never went to doctors, EVER. "I haven't seen a doctor since I was 13!" he said proudly. Dude was 30. So I asked him, what about being screened for your sexual health? "I've been with a lot of women admittedly, but I know I don't have anything. That's why I like oral sex, I can smell their pussies first and see if they're clean or not."
Yoooooo! That level of ignorance is fucking astounding. There are VD-free women who have PH imbalances and got funky cooches and then there are women who are sparkling clean but have had or have transmittable conditions. You can't fucking tell and you sure as shit can't tell if YOU have anything without testing because most men are asymptomatic (can't even test for HPV unless they got warts).
That guy was a prime example of someone who doesn't take care of himself AT ALL and that is what I want to avoid like the plague. Being around depressive people takes a huge toll on my mental health and drags me down. I need optimal mental health because I don't have much health left at all and I protect myself from any bad energy.
You can wash your fucking hair and put on deodorant all you want but if you neglect your mental and physical health you're about as good as a shiny car with the entire fucking frame rusted out underneath and no engine.
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[Satyr} Insecurities
Soft Male Presenting NB Satyr x Male Reader
Dakota
Warnings: Dakota get comforted by you after a sudden breakup and you end up confessing, they realized they like you too, mentions of alcohol (tho not explicitly stated other than beer), two faced boyfriend (now ex)
Masterlist
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Currently, you are on your way to third wheel for your best friend, Dakota. This guy that Dakota was dating was one that you really did not like. He was all sweet and kind around Dakota but the second they turned their back, he was a complete jerk. You knew you should tell Dakota but they just looked so happy being with this guy that you didn't want to ruin this momentary happiness.
Anyhow, both of you were walking down the street to a small yet busy pub that he had asked Dakota to meet. Dakota had asked him if you could come and he said yes but you knew he would have said no if that didn't ruin his "perfect boyfriend" image. You developed feelings for Dakota years ago, long into your friendship with him but you never confessed. You knew they didn't feel the same so you decided to just try to be the very best friend you could be.
Dakota pointed out the place you two were going and you followed them up to the front door. You opened it for them and they almost instantly spot their boyfriend, going over to him and hugging him. You smiled a sad smile and looked at the two before joining them at their table. He had sent Dakota off to get drinks for the three of you. "How have you been (R/n)?" He looks over to you with a not glare for once. "I'm breaking up with him."
Your eyes widened slightly. "What?" He nods. "Yeah I got hit pretty hard in the face with reality after the last time we met." His whole demeanor had changed from what it was before. You tried to say something but Dakota came back with a beer bottle and two glasses. They set one of the glasses down in front of you and handed the bottle to their soon to be ex who's demeanor went back to perfect boyfriend mode.
You smiled at Dakotas smile before taking a drink of what they got you. "Ah, (R/n)! Did you see the new episode yesterday? It was so good!" Dakota said before going on to ramble about bits and pieces. (R/n) smiled and nodded, chatting about said episode with Dakota.
A few minutes had past with the three of you talking before (R/n) decided it was time to bring the bad news. "Dakota." They looked up to (R/n) who looked like he just accidentally kicked a puppy. Dakota noticed and went to grab his hands to ask what's wrong but he pulled away. You looked away out of courtesy but still listened in. "I'm sorry Dakota. I dont think we can be together anymore. Its really me, not you. You've been nothing but good to me and I want you to be happy but it can't be with me."
"Maybe we'll see each other around. Don't worry about paying for drinks, I'll cover it on the way out." He said standing up to leave. Dakota couldn't seem to process what what happening as they watched their now ex-boyfriend walk away. "Kota, let's go." You said standing and grabbing their hand.
They didn't move but instead started to shake slightly. "Dakota, please." You pulled them up and practically dragged them out of the pub and stopped when you were a block away from it. Dakota hadn't said a word but held on tightly to your hand. "Do you wanna go back to your house?" You asked, looking to them. They nodded softly, more hair moving to cover their usually covered eyes.
You squeezed their hand gently as the two of you walked back to Dakotas place. It wasn't too far from the pub so neither of you saw the point in taking the car. After a few minutes of walking, Dakota stopped, making you look back. "Im... S-so sorry... I... I cant..." They tried to say something but ended up almost collapsing, legs shaking like crazy. You caught them before they could and opted to carry them the rest of the way.
Dakota holds onto you and cries into your neck. You gently rub the back of their head and whisper reassuring words into their ears. After a few more minutes of walking, you make it to the house and carefully unlock the door and close it behind you before taking them upstairs to their bedroom. "I'll go grab some water. I'll be right back ok?"
You head back down stairs, lost in thought as you grabbed water from the fridge before heading back up. You didn't expect to see what you did though.
Your body stood ridgid with shock. Standing in front of you, staring back with wild and afraid eyes was your best friend of 5 years. They looked like they were wearing pants but they weren't. Their legs were covered in dark brown fur, same colour as their hair. Your eyes followed the soft digitigrade shape down to the cloven hooves in place of feet. A small tail to match laid tight against their body.
"Dakota..?"
You breathed out hesitantly. They seemed to snap out of whatever trance they were in for a moment and they started to shake. "Hey... Hey whats wrong?" You asked as you very slowly approached them, as if the wrong step could send them sprinting away. They didn't say a word and you eventually got to their side. You very carefully grabbed their hand but they pulled it away faster than you could blink.
They looked at you with such fear that you could barely even tell if it was your sweet Dakota anymore. A tense moment passed as you had seen his eyes for the first time. You gently took their hand again and pressed their palm against your chest. They could feel your heart pounding, theirs was probably just as fast. You and Dakota had this thing where if one of you were panicking, the other would place a hand on the heart of the one whos panicking. It usually ended with a hug but it was really just a comfort thing that Dakota had started with you when they had a panic attack in public. Once they had seemed to realized, some lever must have flipped as they pulled you into a tight hug.
"(Y/n)..."
You hugged them back, gently placing a hand on the back of their head to keep them close. A silent minute had past before you felt your shoulder getting wet again. "I'm so sorry." It was barely a whisper but you heard it. Neither of you said a word after that. Dakota pulled their head out from the crook of your neck and rested their forehead against your chest.
"I didn't want you to find out like this..." Their voice was small as they spoke, hands gripping tightly to the back of your shirt. You carefully set a hand on their cheek, coaxing them to look up to you. Their eyes were red and slightly puffy from crying. The bright green, almost yellow irises stood out against their pink-ish scleras. "Your eyes are so beautiful." You mumbled out without thinking.
Dakota blushed and looked away. "I know you probably don't wanna talk so let's sit down and I'll go first." You lead them over to the bed and both of you sat down. "Judging by your reaction you didn't want me knowing about the whole... Lower half thing." You paused to look at Dakota who nodded. "Sorry." You said, still processing everything. Dakota shook their head. "N-no... I..."
"I don't know what to say..." Dakota said with a heavy sigh. "It's ok. You don't have to say anything-" They cut you off before you could continue. "(Y/n) I've lied to you for 5 years about it! Of course I have to say something!" You looked away from them and sighed. "I would be lying if I said it didn't upset me that you never told me what you were." Without hesitation, you grabbed Dakotas hand again, staring at it as they let you intertwine your fingers. "But I always had a feeling you weren't exactly human anyways... Of course I wanted to know but I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable around me."
Dakota looked to your eyes, tears welling up in theirs again. You could see that they wanted to apologize for not saying anything but you just shook your head. "Kota, I could care less that your a Satyr. If anything I like you even more." You mumbled the last part but they still heard it anyway, signaled by the blush that rose to their cheeks yet again. Dakota placed their free hand on your cheek and made you look back to them.
"I love you so fucking much Kota. You don't even know. I'm sorry. This is probably a lot on top of me finding out about probably your biggest secret and the... Y'know." Dakota shook their head. "Its all been so overwhelming. I'm honestly surprised I haven't passed out yet." You let a small huff of a laugh pass as they pulled your face closer to theirs. "You seemed to have calmed down a lot." You mumbled out.
Dakota nodded. "Yeah. I guess I'm... Relieved... I've known you long enough that I know you when you aren't feigning truths." They pause for a moment. You took this moment to observe their tear stained face. "(Y/n). I dont ever want you to leave me." Their voice had been shaky since you found out about them being a Satyr but it was even worse when they said that. "I couldn't truly live if you weren't in my life Kota."
They looked at you with wide eyes. "Sorry, said something weird didnt-" You were cut off by a pair of soft lips against yours. You carefully kissed back, tangling your hand in their soft, fuffy hair. The second both of you pulled away, Dakota smiled and pulled you into a tight hug. "Kota-" "I think him breaking up with me was the best decision ever." You furrowed your brows, really confused.
"What? Why? I though you two were happy together." Dakota nodded. "I was happy. But I also saw how unhappy you were. A-and it made me realize... Just how much I wanted to make you happy because you make me happy." You couldn't say anything but just looked at them with surprise. "Can I... Can I kiss you?" You asked quietly. Dakota laughed and nodded, pulling you into a kiss.
Your hands decided to test the waters a bit and you gently ran a hand through the soft fur that coat their leg. They shivered and gripped onto your shirt, leaning into the kiss more. You pulled away and let your hand linger on their thigh. "Did... Did you really mean it when you said that you liked me more knowing I was a Satyr?" You blushed and laughed awkwardly while looking away. "Yeah... I didn't realize I said that out loud."
Dakota let out a gentle laugh and pulled you into a tight hug. "Let's take a nap, I'm tired after crying so much..." You nodded and kissed their neck softly as the two of you laid down.
"Please stay by my side."
I originally started this one shot at the paragraph that starts at "Your body stood ridgid with shock." so sorry if everything above it seemed weird-
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1890
#male reader#monster x male reader#male monster x reader#x male reader#monster male x male reader#monster male#m4m#mxm#satyr x male reader
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Arm sketches
Summary:Reader is an art student and has to do anatomy studies.
Pairing:Bucky Barnes x Artist!reader (the reader is female)
Warnings:Fluff,some angst(?),swearing words,bad writing.
A/N: I went kinda self indulgent here😳. I haven't write in a while and i'm a bit rusty. Also,english is not my first language so i'm so sorry for the grammar errors.
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Y/n was walking barefoot down the hallway just feeling the cold touch of the marble floor on her feet. Her father was a very close friend of Tony's so when she got accepted in one of the most prestigious art schools in New York City to start her art career,he didn't hesitate to offer her a place to stay at the tower in exchange of helping them with design for suits and other prototypes.
She was walking carefully trying not to wake anyone when a solid figure appeared behind her closing the door of the respective room.
"You are going to catch a cold".
Y/n continued walking even though her heart skipped a few beats.
"Jesus Christ,Steve! You almost gave me a heart attack" Y/n said with rubbing a hand over her heart.
"You shouldn't be walking barefoot" he replied arriving with the girl at the kitchen,where Bucky and Sam were waiting for him.
"The thing is, why are you awake at-" Sam turned his head to look at the clock on the wall. "Almost six in the morning?"
Y/n rolled her eyes smirking at him.
"Well,Samuel, i have this art project which i may or may not started brand new like hundred times since yesterday. So,yeah i'm awake because i need more coffee". she finished her statement while pouring black coffee on her mug.
"More coffee?!" the super soldier who haven't said a word until that moment said with concern in his tone. "Did you slept last night?"
She scoffed inhaling through her nose. "Of course i slept last night" she tried with all her being to sound normal,trying to disguise the pitch voice that could reveal the truth.
"The bags under your eyes tell me otherwise" Bucky said with sassiness sipping his coffee.
"The bag under your eyes tell me otherwise" she mocked back clearly annoyed with the man.
"Say whatever you want,doll,but you know i'm right. You should take better care of yourself"
She looked at him,her glare went soft at the moment she saw his blue irises filled with a comforting feeling.
"I know" she said after a long sigh. " I just,this anatomy class is getting on my nerves,i'm trying to make things right." with her eyes almost glossy,Sam put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out." Steve finished their little meeting in the kitchen with a white smile.
After a few words of encouragement,they were gone.
She spent the two hours before going to her class,doing and doing again the anatomy sketches that were driving her crazy.
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Her academic journey for the day finished between tears,frustration and a panic attack. How fucking hard was it? what was she doing wrong?.
She made it to the tower one hour later,after trying to get her shit together,the last thing Y/n wanted was a group of people asking her about what was wrong and maybe giving her more pressure.That people was her new family,she loved them with all her heart but right now it wasn't a good time for that.
She stormed right to her room after saying quick hellos to Clint and Nat who where watching a movie in the living room.
Back at her room and studio,she just screamed into her pillow,frustration getting the best of her.
She had a task of draw multiple sketches of dynamic poses for tomorrow. This was going to be a long evening and night,that's for sure.
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A soft knock on her door brought the girl back to reality.
"Can i come in? i brought you something" his sweet voice felt like magic to her ears.Maybe she was being selfilsh with the others,but she could never deny him something.
"It's open" she replied from her desk.
Bucky entered in the room,it was messy,a lot of papers on the floor,the little bin in the corner filled with more papers,books displayed all over her desk....and she didn't look better than that morning,the difference was that at least she wasn't wearing her pajamas.
"You dind't talked to us when you came" he said with a little pout. " I didn't know if you ate something already so i bring you some cookies" a little china plate was placed on a small corner of her desk which was free of chaotic artist things.
She felt her heart melting at the gesture.
"Thank you,Buck,really" she was so thankful for him and the cookies but at that moment her stomach was filled with anxiety so no eating for now.
Y/n turned her chair back at the desk,ready to continue with her sketch.But something wasn't right,she could feel Bucky's eyes following all her movements.
"Is that an arm?"
"Yeah,it is. I have to do multiple studies of arms in dynamic poses. It's a pain in the ass."
He went silent for a moment until a small smile apoeared on his lips.He had an idea.
"Maybe if you had a model it would be easier"
She meet his eyes,confusion filling hers.
"Are you saying that i should paint your arm?" that came out more wierd that she thought.
"Only if you want...i don't know,i'm just trying to help you."
She thought for a moment,a lot of ideas crossing through her mind.
"Oh my god yes! I can draw your metal arm! Oh my god that's the best idea ever! I'm going to have you in different poses,in different angles with all this lighting." she said excitedly rumaging trhough all her desk in search of the best pencils.
"Are you sure?" all her excitement took him by surprise,he wasn't refering to his metal arm,but seeing her this motivated changed his mind.
"Of course i'm sure! Go on,take your shirt off" she flinched a little by the comment,this wasn't the context she would like to say it but it wasn't bad. Right?.
They spent the next few hours together,their little painting session,long gone with some of the best works she had done,at least she thought that and was really proud.
At night,after their good night hug,she went to sleep for the first time in days,feeling complete and proud of herself.
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Frustration,anger,sadness were some of the feelings she was having...how do you have to feel when you put all of your heart into something just to be crushed by someone else's opinion?. How did she has to feel when the anatomy teacher put a big "F" on her work and the words "i was expecting you to give me some arms studies in dynamic poses not just robotic piece of wanna be arm.That's garbage." left their mouth?
Desvastation was a big word but that was totally her life now.Failure and desvastation.
When she came home and Bucky asked her about her day with a big smile on his face just waiting to hear about how the teacher praised her work,her entire world went to the ground.
She cried,she cried so hard that they believed she was going to throw up. Bucky's reaction was immediately to brought her to his room,just doing breathing exercices to calm her down.
She explained to him what happend between sobs. He lied with her on his bed,the two of them looking at the ceiling.
"You know,your teacher is right"
"What the hell" she stood from the bed so quickly that some pillows fell to the floor. "They asked me for arm studies.I gave them arm studies.Period"
"They asked you for an arm,a real arm,a flesh one not a bunch of vibranium" his words fell from his mouth like venom.A part of him was hurt,that was the way people saw him? some kind of robot? just a killer machine?. And on the other half really wanted to comfort her,but he was ashamed,ashamed of himself. It felt like everything was his fault.
"That's all bullshit and you know it. For fuck's shake,Buck,don't be stupid"
Frustration,anger,sadness were some of the feelings she was having...how do you have to feel when you put all of your heart into something just to be crushed by someone else's opinion?. How did she has to feel when the anatomy teacher put a big "F" on her work and the words "i was expecting you to give me some arms studies in dynamic poses not just robotic piece of wanna be arm.That's garbage." left their mouth?
Desvastation was a big word but that was totally her life now.Failure and desvastation.
When she came home and Bucky asked her about her day with a big smile on his face just waiting to hear about how the teacher praised her work,her entire world went to the ground.
She cried,she cried so hard that they believed she was going to throw up. Bucky's reaction was immediately to brought her to his room,just doing breathing exercices to calm her down.
She explained to him what happend between sobs. He lied with her on his bed,the two of them looking at the ceiling.
"You know,your teacher is right"
"What the hell" she stood from the bed so quickly that some pillows fell to the floor. "They asked me for arm studies.I gave them arm studies.Period"
"They asked you for an arm,a real arm,a flesh one not a bunch of vibranium" his words fell from his mouth like venom.A part of him was hurt,that was the way people saw him? some kind of robot? just a killer machine?. And on the other half really wanted to comfort her,but he was ashamed,ashamed of himself. It felt like everything was his fault.
"That's all bullshit and you know it. For fuck's shake,Buck,don't be stupid"
Frustration,anger,sadness were some of the feelings she was having...how do you have to feel when you put all of your heart into something just to be crushed by someone else's opinion?. How did she has to feel when the anatomy teacher put a big "F" on her work and the words "i was expecting you to give me some arms studies in dynamic poses not just robotic piece of wanna be arm.That's garbage." left their mouth?
Desvastation was a big word but that was totally her life now.Failure and desvastation.
When she came home and Bucky asked her about her day with a big smile on his face just waiting to hear about how the teacher praised her work,her entire world went to the ground.
She cried,she cried so hard that they believed she was going to throw up. Bucky's reaction was immediately to brought her to his room,just doing breathing exercices to calm her down.
She explained to him what happend between sobs. He lied with her on his bed,the two of them looking at the ceiling.
"You know,your teacher is right"
"What the hell" she stood from the bed so quickly that some pillows fell to the floor. "They asked me for arm studies.I gave them arm studies.Period"
"They asked you for an arm,a real arm,a flesh one not a bunch of vibranium" his words fell from his mouth like venom.A part of him was hurt,that was the way people saw him? some kind of robot? just a killer machine?. And on the other half really wanted to comfort her,but he was ashamed,ashamed of himself. It felt like everything was his fault.
"That's all bullshit and you know it. For fuck's shake,Buck,don't be stupid"
The room went silent again.
"I need to tell you something" she started with her voice full of emotion."Art is sujective. Some people only care about the visual feeling,like when they see a painting some of them qualify it as beautiful if the colors are pretty or if the brush strokes are impecable,they don't seem to care about the meanint behind it,and believe almost all of the pieces of art have a meaning even if its silly. You coul see the most sordid painting,the most dark,the most messy and maybe it has the most beautiful meaning you could think of." he looked at her,at her fresh tears rolling down her cheecks,admiring the way she talked,so passionate.
"What i want to say is,sometimes people find beauty in simple things and others can find beauty in things other people can't see. And i see that beauty in your arm,for my teacher it can be a bunch of metal but they don't see what i see and it infuriates me. You are a walking piece of art,Bucky Barnes and it's poetic at the same time.Where all this people only see the bad things, i see a warm touch despite the cold vibranium,colors that amaze me with all the lighting changes...just like a rough painting that no one would like but when the find all the mean behind it,they grow to love it."
At this point,both of them were sobbing,hugging each other like their lives depend on it.
"I'm going to paint you again and if they don't like i'm going to do it again and again until they undertand that you are art for me".
#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky x reader fluff#bucky barnes#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes fic#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x y/n imagine#bucky fluff#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes x artist!reader#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x you imagine
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I truly thought today would be good
Why wouldn't it be?
But I broke my fast yesterday at 28hrs when I was hoping for 48...
So I binged
Which I haven't done in so long I honestly couldn't remember what a reeses cup tasted like.
But I had two packs of and I didn't think twice it was Like I was normal, like I was okay for a few hours today and I don't know when I felt normal last either.
And now I've had over 1000 cal for the first time in months.
I've fasted for almost 20 hours and sometimes up to 48 for the past few months and the days I don't I have less then 800 nor.ally less then 400 cal in a day for months.
I should've known today would be bad when I stepped on the scale and saw once again I'm still at 115 after months of starving but I thought today would be good.
I thought today would've been good. I talked to my older sister, it had been a while and felt good to hear her voice. I wasn't worried about college assignments and I had the day off from work
It should have been good.
But my fiance came home angry. And despite he was angry at work I blamed myself.
My brother asked why he wasn't allowed to see his mom and no matter my answer it wasn't good enough till I told him the full truth, and we cried in silence next to each other.
And I ate too much and did t think about it and I fooled myself I to thinking I was okay.
Into I was good, I was OK
And nobody will notice
That there asleep and I'm awake
That I'm laying next to what should be my future husband while he sleeps and I have panic attacks when he asks if I'm OK. When I cry myself to sleep
That I force myself to be quite while I cry that I won't be enough while he fucks me in the dark because God fobid he sees me naked. That he won't my legs covered in cuts even though I know he knows
I really thought today would be okay.
#tw poem#liquid fast#pro+ana#skinny soon#not enough#depressed#this is depressing#why am i like this#why me#rape shit#pro ana
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I still cannot process this evening, so you get yesterday late:
It's 600 cookie day. I've been pulled back into bed once (he really likes my black chef's coat I guess). Two people called in. I expected them to, I had a lot of vacation requests and couldn't allow them all. It feels like mutiny, but then again, I am super sensitive.
I was sitting and putting my clothes back on when the second one texted and I almost started crying. He was already dressed and just watching me...
"Shit, honey...you okay? Was I too rough? I'm sorry..."
What is it about the mere suggestion of girl tears that make dudes so nervy?
"No it's just gonna be me and Kimo today. I can't. Fuuuuuuck my whole life, dude." It hits me. They really just. I cannot do this. Panic attack time.
He got on his knees in front of me and took both my hands, tossing my phone onto my pillow.
"Hey, breathe. You're fine. You've got available free labor today. Just tell me what to do when we get there. Are you breathing?"
"Yes."
"Then it's a great day to make a fuck ton of cookies."
I just sit in this for a while. We are still very early. Extra warm body. Kimo. Two of us know what we're doing. It's fine. Breathe.
"You don't have to."
"I don't feel like I HAVE to."
"I will totally pay you."
He starts to get up, stopping when we're eye to eye. "Is that a threat?" He's just so very cute, so I kiss him and for a moment I consider unbottoning my coat so I can watch him watch me do it. My ho spiral is going pretty well, I think. Better than a panic spiral, much more enjoyable.
We have to go retrieve his glasses, and the drive to his house is fraught with peril because the dude can't see.
"Do you want me to drive?"
"No, it's fine."
"Wait...you drove to my place IN THE DARK LIKE THIS?!"
"See...my affection for you was nearly terminal. Do you feel bad?"
"Yes." I do, and I think he can tell.
"Oh, stop. I've accepted it, so you should probably just go ahead."
He trots back out of his house looking quiiiiiite well in yet another sweater (I haven't seen this one before) and carrying two pairs of glasses (his refusal to wear bifocals, even lineless ones, is the only bit of vanity he's guilty of) and holy hell it's another grey joggers day. He sees one of his neighbors and runs to them excitedly...an older lady with a walker, with a cat on a leash. I really dig this neighborhood and if cats on leashes are the norm...if he ever asks me to move in, I'm saying yes immediately.
When he comes back to the car he tells me the cat's name is Binky.
Kimo texts me and asks me to bring him four Redbulls and two apples. Anything for Kimo at this point. We stop at the grocery store, which just opened and I can't think of anything more domestic than grocery shopping. It gets me thinking about a ton of shit I don't have time for. Maybe later. We pick up Kimo's provisions, a tiny fake cactus, and a reindeer that poops candy. He won't let me pay for anything and he tells me to please fuck off when I argue. On the way out he talks to the door greeter for a full five minutes and when I ask him how he knows them he says he doesn't. Two types of people...I wouldn't say I'm unfriendly but a wave is usually sufficient for me. He says he knows them now and that's the goal.
When we arrive at my work, Kimo is waiting, despite the fact that we are still an hour early. So much for making out in my office...
When Kimo sees us pull up, he makes a beeline for the car. Ignoring me completely, he is singularly excited to see his "bro".
"Man like, what the fuck are you doing here? Chef..." he finally addresses me, "you done being a bitch now?"
"No."
"Good."
I hand him his bag and wait for him to notice the reindeer. "Fuuuuuck...I've been wanting one of these little dudes, man. Thank you Chef, I love it."
My entire heart for Kimo. Seriously.
Hot Librarian is taking too long to get out, so Kimo opens his door for him. "You good? Here to help or just stare at Chef's ass all day?"
"Both?"
"Hell yeah. You ever made cookies before?"
"Not since I was a kid, but yes."
"Oh so a looooong ass time ago. Okay, I got you."
The baking itself is uneventful. Hot Librarian is good at everything, which is so annoying, let me tell you. You can't be that good looking, nice, and an inexplicably good baker without getting on my nerves a little. When he finishes a batch before me I give him MAJOR side eye.
"What in the actual fuck?"
"I might have practiced."
"How did you know I was gonna ask you?"
"I didn't. I just knew I was going to offer. 600 is a lot."
Everything is going well until it's time to decorate them and mixing up the royal icing I realize Anthony is not here. Anthony is the best, and fastest, decorator I've ever had. I've already mixed it so I don't have time to cry. I feel betrayed.
"Chef, I got you. They're gonna be ugly as fuck but still. Watch your Ritis, man." Kimo knows I won't let any of them be ugly, that these have to be the best I've ever made, and he is one of the only people in my life who knows why.
The thing about disadvantaged and displaced youth, and the programs that so often support them, is that people will absolutely donate things to them and bless them for that. Good people doing the best they can with what they have and that's officially MY SHIT. But...I still remember all the too small clothes, the expired food, the shoes that were too tight and had holes in the bottoms. I will always remember this, and the associated shame and honestly...fear. Fear that this was just what life was, and that joy was something set aside for other people. That I could never touch it. These kids will never, ever, get ugly cookies from me.
"Kimo, I love you. I want you to know that. I appreciate all your help." I'm just standing, breathing, attempting to metta myself into believing everything is fine. That there is peace within me first and that I will find a way to give some to others. That I'm not terrible. That they didn't all call in today because they hate me.
"Chef...hello?"
"Yeah?"
"I can flood them and you can do the detail shit?"
"Please."
An hour in, I can't feel my hands. Straddling a stool and hunched over the prep table my body is absolutely SCREAMING AT ME to give up. I'm afraid when I stand up my hip will pop out but it's still another hour until I'm done. Kimo has been frantically cleaning up our messes so we can just peace out as soon as we finish. When I finally finish and the last things are rinsed out and packed away and loaded into the van...I have to be carried out. It's times like these that I miss pills a lot.
So I was sitting there in the back of the van illegally, propped up against some boxes when I heard Hot Librarian inquire about my mental state and Kimo talking shit.
"Eli...my dude. I'm telling you. If you're gonna fuck with her, this is what it's like. Real chef shit, man. You ever date a chef? What your ex wife do?"
He has not really talked to me about his ex wife and aside from asking him why they got divorced (I still cringe), I haven't asked. I'm heavily eavesdropping and I do not feel bad at all. Kimo is apparently set to do recon for me.
"She's a teacher, and coaches the girls' basketball team."
"Is she tall as fuck?"
He laughs. "Not really...she gets good air though."
"What's her name? She from here? Man, I'm gonna feel bad if I snagged your wife, dude."
"Her name is Shelby."
"Nah, never fucked a Shelby. Good. That might have been awkward."
When we arrive at the event, the boys unload the van, and then Weekend At Bernie's me to go talk to the couple responsible for it...and give them their $600 back. They both cried, I cried, Kimo absolutely lost his mind (he didn't know I was going to do it) and even moreso when they asked him if he was my husband. I do not understand the southern habit of assuming everyone is married but I guess it takes all kinds.
"Chef's too much of a bad bitch to get married. Right, Eli? Can you imagine being married to her?"
STOP THE RECON, KIMO. ABORT ABORT ABORT. FUUUUUCK.
He leans me over to be supported more by him than by Kimo and squeezes me a little. "Yeah. I kinda can." I don't look up to see his face for fear of melting into this very nice hardwood floor.
After a mild heart attack, I shake hands with this lovely couple and we all take our leave...with me being carried over the finish line by my two best dudes. They are so sweet for supporting me, literally and figuratively, all day but the guilt starts to creep in when we are on our way back to my house from the bakery. I still request that he stay..."if you want to, if not I'll see you when I see you" gets tossed at him in an effort to not seem needy and I see for a moment he looks hurt before resolving himself to not let me do that bullshit anymore.
"Of course I want to. Better than worrying about you from all the way across town."
Friends have you ever...had a non-sexual encounter with someone that you've boned that was just almost...crushingly intimate and for almost no reason? Like are you like me at all and incredibly touch starved and very emotionally shut off and have been for years? Did it hit you like a freight train full of rainbows? Because when he hauled me onto my bed, pulled my coat off of me, and requested that I roll over, the thing that followed was not the thing I thought it was gonna be. (Point of order...even almost crying from pain I was still game and that makes me question myself a lot.)
He rubbed his hands together to warm them, and swept them down my back, pressing slightly with his fingertips.
"Jesus...we have to work out those knots. How are you doing?"
"It just hurts."
"Anywhere in particular?"
"Just like...my all of me."
While he kneads at me, aided by some hand cream he finds in my purse, we talk about the day, how I think it went, and he asks if I'm satisfied with how it turned out. We talk about Shelby, and how she's excited that he finally met someone he likes.
"You...talk to her a lot?" I try my hardest not to sound jealous or overly concerned.
"Of course. We were married for ten years. I'm lucky she still talks to me after what a shithead I was to her at the end. Are we...going to fight about this?"
"Mmm...no. I think it's nice. I still talk to Red's dad. It's just different now that he's married."
He stops for a moment.
"Do you think Red will like me? Presuming I ever meet him, I mean...I probably shouldn't presume that."
I wish I could tell him my son will like him but I don't think he will. In fact, I know he won't.
"Absolutely not. But...it won't be your fault. He's 13, and 13 year olds are terrible. If you want to meet him I have no issue with it. But he's very smart, and very...just don't bullshit him and he'll come around to ya."
Red (not his real name, but his real hair color) functions as a grown ass man. I don't know if that's because that's what boys are like at that age (I've never been one) or because his dad and I come from very controlling families and promised ourselves we'd foster independent thought wherever possible. Either way, he's the best human to ever exist, period.
"He sounds scary. I would love to meet him."
He asks me if my speech is done and I tell him I'm going to wing it. Save for a very good opening line, I got diddly. He asks what it's about and I don't want to tell him. The old, but not that old, fear and shame start clawing at my guts and I don't want to tell him that he's involved with poor white trash.
But I do.
And he asks me if I want him to come with me. If I need any support. If I need any help.
"Just tell me what you need. I'll do anything."
All I can do is sink my face into my pillow and cry. No one has ever told me that before.
#misha collins#not actually misha collins but close#dating is weird#none of you care about this follow up#hot librarian chronicles#chef life#long reads
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My New Boss Part 13
Author note: So, first of all, I wanted to say I'm doing this because I want to learn my spelling, because English is not my mother language and because I enjoy it. If you find any spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Please kindly inform me about them, I would be happy. Thank you and now have fun reading! :)
Inspired by: the series: what's wrong with secretary Kim (I haven't taken over everything, just a little. The rest consists of my ideas.)
GIF: My own
His Family
"Aye, she comes and goes then"
She comes closer and I take her hand
"I just tell her tha yer sleep here with me because of work"
She laughs and says
"Do you think she really thinks that"
I look at her and say
"Yer thought so too"
She looks at me in shock and hits my arm
"Did you lie to me to get me in your bed?"
I look at her and say
"Are yer crazy? Nae, I showed ya tha mail"
I laugh and say
"I wanted yer from tha first day I saw ya"
"I gave you enough signals but you didn't understand."
I let go of her hand and say
"Aye. I didn't want it in tha beginning because I'm yer boss but ya became prettier and sexier every day"
She holds my cheeks together
"Thank god you moved otherwise I would have had to do it" she winks at me and walks away.
We changed and waited for my sister to arrive.
My sister lived further away from me. She is already married but has no children yet.
I got a call that she is at the train station which is 10 minutes away from my home.
I get up from the couch and walk to Kim
"Love"
I say and she turns to me
"Yes?"
I hold her face and say
"I'm going to pick her up now, she has arrived."
She smiles at me and I slowly pull her to my lips and slowly kiss her. With my left hand, which is on her lower back, I pull her further into the kiss. She laughs against my lips and says
"You are too late"
I look at her and stroke a hair behind her ear
"I dinnae want to leave ya lips"
She laughs and straightens my tie again
"Tonight you will get my lips back"
I admire how beautiful her smile and voice is.
I touch her cheek and say
"Ye're so beautiful"
her cheeks turn slightly red and she kisses me and pulls my lower lip
"and you look sexy"
She laughs and bites her lip.
I smile back at her and slowly walk away from her.
Our hands didn't let go until I had to let go of her hand.
I get in my car and drive to the train station
I get out and see my sister who I am
5 years have not seen. She looked so happy. I stood in front of my car and looked at her. A smile grew on my face. She looked at her cell phone. I was overcome by tears. I haven't seen her this happy in a long time. The last time I saw her was when we had to go separate ways. Every single feeling of cold, fear, and sadness came to mind.
I walked slowly to her so that she doesn't notice
"Halò Mòrag," I say and she immediately looks up and screams. She jumps into my arms and hugs me as tightly as possible
"Brother !!!" she screams and starts crying. I hug her tightly and say
"Halò little sister"
She cries and hugs me tight. The tears came again to hold my little sister in my arms. I hold her head from behind and kiss her cheek tightly.
"Ya look good Ethan! Yer got so bonnie and tall"
I laugh and take her suitcase
"Ya have changed so much too"
We both laugh and wipe our tears away.
When I get home I turn to her and say
"Yer already know about ma company"
She nods. I say
"Ma secretary is with me because we have to work at home"
I try to hide my smile
"So ya will get to know her. She is ma new secretary"
She laughs and says
"I'm curious"
Kim opens the door and smiles aside. I wink at her behind my sister.
I put the suitcases down and say
"Mòrag this is ma secretary Kim. Kim this is ma sister Mòrag"
They shake hands and Kim says
"Nice to meet you. You have a very nice name."
Mòrag smiles and says
"Thank ya. Likewise. Yer look bonniel Kim"
Kim smiles and says
"Thank you, you too"
While my sister and I are sitting in the living room, Kim comes and brings us something to drink and a few snacks.
"I like yer secretary she is really bonnie"
I say
"Me too. She does her job very well"
My sis then says
"Aye? Is she doing her job very well? Have fun brother"
I look at her in shock and blush.
She laughs out loud and slams her hand firmly on my thigh.
Kim came at the moment and looks at me in shock
"What did yer think of?" says Mòrag laughing at me and then at Kim
"Look! how red he is. Did yer two have a lot of fun?"
Kim blushed too now and I wipe my face.
"Wait a minute. Are ya two together?" says my sister and me and Kim scream at the same time "WHAT NO!" She laughs and says
"and why are yer two so red like a fuckin tomàto"
Kim goes into the kitchen and leaves me alone.
"Because it's uncomfortable to hear tha sis"
She laughs and hugs me tightly on the side
"Ya're not in love, are ye?"
I push her away and say
"Nae, ah umnae"
I take a cigarette and light it while my sister has fun and laughs at me.
The three of us sat and talked when my sis got up to go into the bathroom. When she was gone, Kim said to me
"Why were you so red? And why didn't you say she stays here !!"
I laugh and say
"Why did ya! blush and I dinnae ken tha until I suddenly saw it"
We both laugh and she gets up and says
"You can forget my lips"
I get up and grab her arm
"Hey!" suddenly my sister is standing there
"Can yer go to ma office and call Ani and tell her tha we cleared it up yesterday with tha papers"
Kim looks at me strangely but then understood
"Got it, boss," she says and leaves. I stood there.
My sis comes closer and looks like my hand is still outstretched.
She smiles at me and then hugs me.
"Hou are ye?" she says as she pulled back and I say
"A'm Slainte why?"
She looks at me and says again
"Nae. Hou are ye?"
I understood what she meant and said
"Oh. It's still hard but I'm fine"
She holds my shoulder and says
"Dae ye still have those panic attacks?"
I look away and she brings my face back to her
"Nae I lie to her and she asks me if I'm sure and I smile and say
"Aye" I hated lying to her, but I hated seeing her sad too. Not happy to see her. It destroyed me even more than I already was. That's why I lie. My life hasn't changed until that point when I met Kim, everything before that was just exhausting.
We ate and talked when it got dark later, I say to my sister
"Yer can sleep in that guest room" She looks at Kim and says
"Where do ye sleep then"
"She sleeps in ma room and I on tha couch." I interrupt her. Kim turns to me and I say
"Dinnae say nae! I'm used to sleeping in tha col... on tha couch"
My sister looks at me but I show her with my finger that she shouldn't say anything.
After a discussion, she went into her room and I and Kim were alone in the living room. She looks through the area, grabs my hand, and holds her finger on the lip that I should be quiet. I get up and follow her. We went to the office. She closes the door and I say
"What dae."
when suddenly her lips were on mine. Her hand goes through my hair and she presses me against her. Her back is on the door and her hand is on my shoulder.
I hold her hip and press against her.
I kiss her jaw down to her neck and she moans softly "fuck"
I go up and put a finger on her mouth
"If yer dinnae want to get caught ya have to be quiet"
She laughs and runs her hand through her hair and down to her chest.
I kiss her and pull on her lower lip. I hold her neck with my hand and she smiles as I kiss her. I kiss her neck and suck it lightly. I slowly go down and lift her dress while looking into her eyes. She holds up her dress and opens her legs, she knew exactly what I was going to do.
I pull her thong down slightly and hear how she began to breathe faster and louder. I start licking her and she held her breath. I pull her more towards me from her thigh and get faster. She goes through my hair and moans "Fuck Ethan"
I laugh and her hand pushes me more against her.
"Fuck yes baby" she moans as I got faster. When her legs went weak and an orgasm flooded her, she accidentally moaned loudly
"Shit Ethan!"
I get up immediately and she holds her mouth tight.
I immediately run to my office chair and she sits on the chair next to it. The door opens and Kim stood there
"Are yer okay Kim?"
she says and Kim looks at her and smiles
"Yes, everything is fine, why?"
Mòrag rubs his eye and says
"I just thought I heard a scream"
She peeps and then says
"It sounded more like a .. it doesn't matter. What happened to yer hair?“
Kim says
"Ethan freaked out because of the whole paperwork and then threw me off with his pen"
My sister looks at us stupidly and says
"Don't fuckin hurt her. Oidhche mhath"
I smile and say
"I'm sairy! I lost control and destroyed ma hair because of this shite! Anything yer want, sister. Oidhche mhath"
She closes the door and a few minutes later Kim says to me
"Yes tiger you lost control of your tongue"
I get up and say
"Says the one who lost control of her moan"
I open my belt slowly and she looks at me and holds her hand on mine, which opens my belt slowly
"What are you doing?" she says and looks nervously at the door.
"Whoever is licked has to lick others," I say and grin
"What if she comes back in," says Kim and looks at me and then the door.
I push her against the wall and hold her neck
"Wha should happen? Can't tha boss even take a break"
I say and laugh a little.
She looks at my lips and I let go of her and say
"I was just kidding" I want to make my belt and turn around but she grabs my shoulder. Pulled my belt opens it and rips my buttons
"What should happen"
she says and immediately puts it in her mouth. I immediately dug into her hair and help her with the movements. I lean my head back as she got faster with her movement.
"Geezus Kim" I moan as I climaxed and didn't notice I was coming in her. Suddenly I see her get up and wipe her mouth and then smile at me. I look down and then up at her again.
"I've never had my first time, but I've never mentioned anything about this."
She says with a laugh and walks past me.
I tighten my pants in astonishment.
I go to her and she pulls me to her lips
"Today you have to sleep alone Tiger"
I grab her neck and say against her lips
"I dinnae have to do anythin"
I let go of her. I open the door and wink at her as I walk out
#tommy flanagan#oneshot#fanfiction#writing#fanfic#first story#smut#fluff#love story#boss#wu assasin#westworld#westworld hbo
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