Hate that it's more acceptable to be nostalgic about ""boyish"" childhood stuff than ""girly"" childhood stuff like jeez I thought we were past this it's 2022 almost 2023

Could you do viper tigress Amy and bendy x a snake reader that can hypnotize people that look in to there eyes.

Viper,tigress,Amy and bendy with a hypnotist snake G/N S/O

Why yes of course I can,ur taste btw is *chefs kiss*. Has been proof read

Characters are as close to canon as possible but will still be ooc

Viper

She finds your hypnosis eyes EXTREMLY endearing

She heard about snakes that have the power to hypnotise people with their eyes but had never seen or met one

If your unable to control it shes very gently and sweet about it

If you accidentally hypnotise her she wont blame you,as long as it's on accident

Shes finds your eyes very beautiful and if you were ever insecure about them she would try her best to reasure you that they're beautiful and that having the gift is out of your control

Snake cuddles

If you wanted to she would train you in kung fu,aslong as your ok with it though,kung fu can be very hard and draining to some

You will almost 100% meet the furious five and po

Speaking of which,they're all super curious and impressed with your hypnosis ability

They're also rlly supportive so yea 👍

If you ever joined the furious five shed be super protective of you,she dosnt mind along as your safe

Tigress

Much like viper shes only ever heard about snakes with hypnosis abilitys,especially since tigress has mainly stayed in the valley of peace due to her living in the jade palace

She thinks your eyes looks beautiful and will compliment them.

If your insecure about them she honestly wouldnt understand,she thinks your eyes are an amazing thing and great for battle

Non the less though she will reasure you and be supportive

As for meeting the furious five,she will stand next to you and glare at them,basically telling them that one wrong move will lead to their early grave.

Safe to say,you were immidatly accepted and praised by the furious five+po

If you joined the furious five she would try let you be independent,she knows that sometimes people want to prove themselves

She will still be protective though

She loves to just pick you up and cuddle

If you cant controll your power she isnt one to run away from things,she will help in any physical way possible

You two are literally a power couple,and a force to be reckoned with,you have a tiger who's practically a kung fu master and a snake that can hypnotise you,yea that seems a tad bit op

If you ever wanted to learn kung fu she'd happily be your master,as long as you know the risks etc

Amy

Although there are many powerfull and unique mobians in the sonic universe you are quite unique

She finds your eyes really pretty

If you have problems controlling your power she can try help,sonic must have struggled when controlling his speed so you can controll your powers to with a bit of practice

She likes giving you gifts that are the same colour of your eyes,she does this because she Hope's it will help you like your eyes abit more

Shes good at giving people motivational speeches and so I doubt shed refuse to tell you how brilliant your eyes are

Should you every accidental hypnotise her,shed probally not care and say that's it's all right.

She will not hesitate to randomly hug you or shower you with kisses,shes a big fan of PDA

She loves making personalized and matching gadgets for you

She dosnt care that your a snake and likes the contrast between herself-a hedgehog and you-a snake

She makes snake friendly treats for you and might even find out if theres any sweet treats that'll help you with your power

You and her are a pretty good duo in battle,you hypnotise people so it makes them an easy target for Amy's mighty hammer to strike apon.

Bendy

Honestly hes quite surprised

Hes never had someone like you enter his inky realm

Very very intrigued by your eyes,your eyes dont actually affect him

Will not let you anywhere near sammy,the lunatic will probally try abuse your power so your not gonna see him

He feels abit at ease knowing that your power works on alot of the ink creatures in the workshop.

That dosnt mean he still isnt protective,when hes around his protectiveness goes through the roof

But he'll let u do ur thing,only helping when your in life threatening danger or if you ask

If you had trouble with ur power he'd only help if u asked seeing as it dosnt affect him.

He'll ask if you can help get rid of intruders once they enter the studio,he dosnt rlly mind your answer,although he'd like the extra help,he dosnt mind you declining his offer

The fact that yours a snake means your able to travel throughout the studio easier

although since he ends up keeping you alive he does ask that if you come across an intruder to alert him

A/n ty for requesting this I had alot of fun working on this,I kinda didnt know what to do for bendy tho lol.

Notes written when I was insane 1

I name things I like, after things I wish to understand

That’s the crux of me, isnt it. All that I like, is that which I have Desire to understand, and yet, simply Cannot. If I could, I would, and so, I wouldn’t have any reason to like that thing anymore. Tragic.

In order to every enjoy things, I have to severely limit my acuity. That, or, I have to be paying attention to just one part about it I dont understand

Oh

Yeah

“

“

I was hunting those animals

And played my misery

But then

It turned out to be birds

Building a nest for a family

…

That is surreallity.

Why was he hunting them

Who is he

Why is he there

The only clue is his appearance

A nobody really

And

The music he played

And how he stopped and seemed

Longing, and sorrowful

Very subtle

Looked forlorn, incomplete

Staring, with a mild, sad turn of his lips

Once he realized theres no animal

Birds

Building a nest

And so he leaves

Why was I shown this

Why is this something that the man remembers

Its obviously about longing for a family

But

Its so

Dreamlike, of an interpretation

It seemed like nothing happened

And yet

In his eyes, this was very, deeply important

Yes, in his eyes….

The sad man, and the nesting roost of birds in his properties woods

So close

So far

Unobtainable

In pain

Hurt

Humans were built to worship

Poor man

When a man dies, his treasures die with him

Such is fate

All of this dream, is but a song

That takes me somewhere else

So that I can endure the wild real life

All of my endeavors

Are but love

A mechanical inclination of hunger

Desiring to… how to put it…

Be greater than even the pulse of Time itself

To be immortal

But also

Something more

To be pure again

To be pure, again

I am obsessive because I am scared

Im scared because my autism produces extra stress, and on top of that, makes stress deplenish very slowly

Im stronger than i realize

If i can be up 32 hours no sweat

Coffee sure is something

What was that garbage mother handed me long ago

It hardly worked at all

This shits the real stuff

Like

Wow

Id have DOUBLE the time to do anything

Any

Thing

Woahhhhhhhhh

All of the things

Double double double double

I give up

And the reason is

I mask around others

So hard

Ive lost my way

And Im stubborn to a fault

Dammit

So thats how i die

I see it so clear now

I will die due to my action of stubborness

If not random chance

Refusing to admit there is a problem

Well

More so

Im so lonely

Short term gains

I cant live without it, I say

I say

I say

Whenever have I proved

Witgout confidence

There is no future

I cannot keep masking

But

I dont want to be weak

Vulnerable

Why

Youre obsessed with that

Without confidence

There is no future

I just

Without money

I feel no confidence

Forced to talk

To leave

I feel no confidence

I cant trust my family

I dont want to be weak

I also have a burning curiosity

When i was younger i wouldnt have minded being weak

But not anymore

Weakness gets you worse than death

Loneliness

…

How can i do work when im starving

How cqn i eat when i have to cook

How can i cook if i have to clean

How can i clean when people wont help

When everything is so ugly

Then i have to shower

And defecate

Tsk

You are a person who must fold to Anxiety

Think of this

Once anxiety hits you

You should do everything you can

To obliterate it

“But then ill get new anxieties”

So what

So what

They were always there anyway

Whether or not you tried now or later

You must tackle anxieties

The moment they appear in your head

You are where your treasure is

If my wife worked at like

Some shitty job hauling plutonium

Damn sure I’d go there with her

Just to be in the surrounding vicinities of her

Its what I feel must be done

I want a wife who wants a helicopter husband

Cringe

Sigh

Ive seen a lot of Dream (and usually Techno and Phil too) as gods au (i have one too dw) but all of you are sleeping on the funniest option.

Tommy is the god.

Tommy.

hes the only one in that galaxy (other than drista ofc)

Just imagine how fucking funny it is like 

it would be so fucking hilarious

and tommy just doesnt tell them

so techno is just there making all these blood god jokes and jokingly telling tommy to serve him and tommys just laughing

imagine a god in the form of a chaotic 16 year old racoon gremlin just walts into your land commits arson and gets banned, only to come back with another person who he helps start a nation for drugs?

imagine how fucking funny it is

just

imagine tubbo banning a literal god from his lands and he just doesnt come back? he just plays by the rules? then goes and like sits in the corner all sad because some humans/dreamons told him to leave

ranboo, just joining the server: hi-  a chaotic gremlin god: wanna commit arson with me?  ranboo, just trying to vibe and maybe not disturb this god: sure 

Phil and Ranboo recongnize Tommy as a god on sight.

Everyone else just refuses to believe it. hes Tommy. Tommyinnit. hes just weird lol

And Drista being a fucking chaotic blood god? 

drista is open about her godhood and does not hesitate to spawn blocks

Drista finds Dream and decides she likes this small human, and dream just has to deal with it lmao.

drista and tommy are both born at the same time.

Tommy is a god of music, chaos, war and theivery (the last one bc he is a BITCH)

Drista is the blood god, chaos, deception, and theatre

okay but imagine the sbi interactions... like ig in this au tommy joins at like 12/13 years of age (in their minds) so he doesnt really grow much 

and like tommy, a literal god, just claiming phil as his father???

phil, in his house making eggs, assuming one of his sons woke up and came to the kitchen, not looking: hey son  tommy, from their couch, already deciding hes phils son now: whats up dad? phil: looks up at tommy who are you tommy: idk dad, who am i  phil: *stares at tommy for a second* eh i made extra eggs you can stay 

ASJIDGASUIOG IMAGINE TOMMY TELLING THEM HES A GOD BUT THEY THINK HES JOKING AND IGNORE HIM

everyone on the server: tommy is the youngest! tommy, as old as the universe: no im not!!!! im not a child!!!! he doesnt pout because pouting is for children and hes not a child but hes pouting tubbo: lol im older than you by a month tommy dont try to hide it tommy: im not a child!!!! techno: laughs

tommy doesn't try to hide that hes a god just its tommy

thats all the evedince anyone needs to think tommy isnt a god or powerful its like mcc hes good but only when he doesnt throw for content

quackity: sees drista written in bedrock lmao drista visited? tommy: yeah! i wrote that for her!  quackity: snorts yeahhhh sureee tommy

imagine like how fucking funny it is jsut like 

a fucking chaotic god breaks into your house androbs you makes a room under your house and decides to live in your floorboards

imagine dream like trying to manipulate tommy, and tommy a fucking anchient diety immeditly recongnizes what hes doing

but decides to play along for the angst and giggles and then actually gets mad when no one fucking cares for his theatrics

tommy, storming off to technos base to rob and build under: >:///// cant believe none of them acknoledged my  deppression 

i love that tommy stills robs everyone, he doesnt need to he can spawn in anything he wants

he just does it for the sport of robbery

JAKOGFSDOH

THE HOLY LAND

dream: im god actually tommy: thats so fucking funny lets make a cult about that :)  dream: see! look! im god! and jesus!  tommy: wheezing

imagine tommy getting stressed and letting go of his mortal form

Tommy, his human form peeling away, showing his actual form a bit: WH̸͘A͠T̷ ̶̢T͞H͢E ̡͘F̴̵͘Ù̧C͜K҉ ̶T͘͜͞E͟CHǸ͏Ǫ  Techno: HAH?

tommy just saw tubbo and got emotionally attached

Tommy, a literal god: hello Tubbo: oh hi do you like my pet bee? Tommy: you’re mine now Tubbo: im okay with this

tommy, a bored god: gives techno shapeshifting powers  techno, not even caring: changes into more human to pig-ishg forms as he wishes this is my life now ig 

phil lets tommy do fuck all in exile bc he knows hes a god hes fine

phil: IDC IF YOURE A GOD! YOU WILL DO THE DISHES NOW YOUNG MAN! tommy: grumbles but does them

phil is the only one who can control tommy

god... tommy... with star freckles... on his human form... (as well as his god one)

tommy: f̷͛͠a̵��t̵̒̑h̸̚e̶̓͝r̸͊ ̸̐̒i̴ ̸̅̿d̷̉͆o̵͂͋ ̵̛̆ñ̸̾ő̶́t̸̎́ w̶͆͘i̴͠s̵̓̈́h̸͗́ ̵̯͗f̶͋́ő̴͑r̷̐̌ ̶͝é̵̽g̸͊͂g̵̒s̷͂̃  phil: idc, eat your goddamn eggs tommy: pouts

tommy, despite being able to get supplies himself by fucking spawning them in: hey tubbo? we need supplies 

In this au ig like if a god claims you you get a mark on your skin showing that. Drista’s would be like a green crown, Tommys would be a red and white disk (white as the outer ring and red as the center) (its different enough that if you don’t realise tommy is a god you wouldnt realise whos it is) (schlatt is the only one who never had one which shoulda been a sign dude :/)

Dream has two from the beginning, everyone else has only one, well until they meet drista. (sbi have had one since they met tommy, though they dont remember the first time they met tommy)

wait what if tommy like found them all as children one by one and later kinda pulled some strings to get them all in one kingdom. (he still joined sbi through forcing phil to adopt him) 

OKAY BUT IMAGINE IF TOMMY MET TECHNO WHEN TECHNO WAS YOUNG ENOUGH TO NOT REMEMBER

tommy would hang out with baby techno and tell him stories

once he told him the story of a man named thesus

another time he told him the story of a blood god

like for example tommys first time meeting techno would be like

(for context techno lived in a shitty village and was an orphan and it was kinda a dog eat dog place, he learned how to be strong because of it)(he was young enough that he doesn’t remember this well, just like learning about the blood god and someone giving him gold)

baby techno: sighs tommy, appearing out of nowhere: oh heyyy whyre you sad? techno: jumps turning around with a knife up ready for a fight who are you tommy: im tommy! :) techno: what do you want from me! you dont scare me! tommy: whats your name! techno: i have a knife! i'll use it! tommy: of course, thats a given, but its rude not to tell people your name techno, confused: t-technoblade? tommy: smiles thats a nice name techno: so. tommy: hm? techno: why're you here tommy: i don't have a reason. im just a traveller! techno: then why hole to this terrible village! theres nothing nice here! everyone is terrible and so are you! tommy: hmmmm i dont agree techno: what are you? a child? i thought adults were supposed to know that everyone is mean tommy: mmhmm looks at the bruise on technos face where'd you get that? techno: fight. i won. i'll win against you too! so don't try anything. tommy: of course. i would never win in a fight against a blood god techno, putting down his knife a bit, stars in his eyes: blood god? tommy: grins blood. god. i think she'd like you. techno, muttering: maybe i can give the blood god some of your blood tommy: laughs yeah, she'd defenitly find you intresting tommy: here tosses techno a golden crown at techno, he spawned it in in the moment techno: whats this? tommy: a crown, thought it suit you screams in the distance tommy: huh. i need to go. have fun lil piglin. ruffles technos hair before running off towards the screaming unbeknownst to the pig the blood god was actually the one waiting for the god he met. techno: stares at the crown 

Techno found a pouch of gold in his ‘house’ later that day. he didnt know who left it but it helped him get food for that night. (he kept the crown)

okay but imagine tommy not taking the war seriously at all, and only seeing it as a squabble between mortals, Like toddlers fighting

dream: SURENDER BY TOMMOROW OR WE'LL DECLARE WAR! wilbur: FUCK YOU WE'LL NEVER SURENDER AND JOIN YOUR SMP! Tommy: how cute

tommy doesnt realise that theyre serious until wilbur dies

tommy would usually go apeshit against anyone who dares messes with his humans, but what is he supposed to do when his humans are fighting Eachother?

wilbur: fucking goes insane and dies  tommy: hey- hey can you guys let me talk to wil for a sec? everyone else leaves tommy, unsually somber: sorry i didnt help you i forgot how easily breakable mortals are tommy: this time you wont die, and i'll make it so that you dont break again, okay? tommy: brings wilburs soul out of its body and enters his mindscape ghostbur: wakes up what- where am i? tommy: hi there ghostbur: who are you tommy: i go by a lot of names all, one, you, the world, the universe, god, but you can just call me tommy ghostbur: oh okay. who am i? tommy: you're name was wilbur soot. you were the son of philza minecraft and brother to Technoblade, Tubbo and myself. ghostbur: was? tommy: well you see, you died. ghostbur: oh... well what am i then? tommy: a ghost! well actually its your choice. would you like to continue your existance or fade away with your body? ghostbur: i dont want to fade away! tommy: smiles thats what i thought you'd say stretches his hand to wilbur ghostbur: grabs tommy hand tommy: lets go home

ghostbur doesnt remember that though

he only remembers the good

tommy wont let him remember the bad, what if he breaks again? mortals are so fragile

phil realises what tommy did as soon as he sees ghostbur 

drista, painting tommys nails (there both in god form btw) (after wilburs death btw): tommy shouldn't you of all gods realise how fragile they are?  tommy: i know just... forgot  drista: sighs and nods i get what you mean, especially with the ones we found... they act a lot like gods sometimes i forgot they arent  tommy: ikr? wait- drista here gets drista's hair out of her face you were gonna get it on my nails, anyways, don't judge me. we all know if dream died you would turn him into a ghost too drista: smirks not if you do it first, we all know you would tommy: you say that as if you wouldn't fight me to do it first  drista: .... tommy: ... drista: both of us when he dies? tommy: nods tommy: anyways my turn to do your nails 

or like tommy with ghostbur like

ghostbur: i don't like this :( tommy, a worried brother and god: whats wrong? ghostbur: everyone is mad at me and i d-dont know why- why are they mad at me tommy: theyre mad at something alivebur did ghostbur: b-but im not alivebur sniffs it hurts. i dont like it. tommy: spawns in some blue here ghostbur: whats that? tommy: its some blue! it'll help you not hurt anymore! ghostbur: how does it work? tommy: see how its blue? ghostbur: nods tommy: well its blue because it sucks up all the bad feelings! it'll help ghostbur: !!!!! ghostbur: presses the blue into his chest ghostbur: !!!!its working!!!! :D tommy: smiles good

wilbur fucking died and tommy went from annoying little brother to caring older brother

tommy just wants to help his brother :) though he doesnt realise that not letting ghostbur remember bad memories isnt good

*at logsted shire btw* ghostbur: who are you? tommy, chuckling: did you forget me already ghostbur? ghostbur: i didnt forget you! i think! you're tommy! i just... you're different tommy, looks over at ghostbur: different how? ghostbur: you're not normal are you? tommy: grins whaaaaat? you think im weirdddd? how heartbreaking... my own brother thinks im weird, this is terrible ghostbur: giggles tommy: but really, don't worry about it bur. ghostbur: you sure? tommy: yeah, dont worry about me ghostbur: smiles okay! do you want some blue anyways? tommy: giggles sure! ghostbur: grins

ghostbur isnt worried about tommy

he knows hes strong

phil having to tell tommy that he cant just not let wilbur remember the bad memories

and tommys like "what if he breaks again!" and phil hugs him and tells him to at least ask ghostbur if he wants to remember and tommys like ‘fine’

tommy: hey bur? ghostbur: yeah? tommy: do you like you're memories? ghostbur: i mean, yeah its hard not to when you only remember the good tommy, quietly: would you want to remember the bad? ghostbur: w-what brought this question on tommy: answer the question ghostbur: no- alivebur was badi shouldn't want to- tommy: but what do you want bur? wilbur, silent for a moment: yeah- yeah i do. not that i like the bad memories! they hurt... but i wish i could remember tommy: ... ghostbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? ghostbur, with tears in his eyes: do you think they'd be less mad at me if i could remember, maybe then i could repair my relationships, what the hell am i supposed to do when i dont even remember hurting them? tommy: what if they dont? what if you break again? ghostbur, saltily: we'll maybe i'll be able at least be able to say i know why everyone hates me tommy: i know how to get all of your memories back ghostbur, looks towards tommy in shock: you do??? tommy: nods ghostbur, voice wavering: for how long tommy: since the beginning ghostbur: and you didnt tell me tommy: i did what i thought was best. i just didnt want you to hurt anymore. ghostbur, angrily: WELL THAT CLEARLY WORKED DIDNT IT? tommy: sorry wilbur, sometimes i forget how to handle humans ghostbur: what- tommy: sighs and taps ghostbur on the forehead and ghostbur does the ghost equivilent of passing out tommy: wont hide any memories this time

ghostbur doesnt wake up, instead wilbur wakes up weither thats good or bad we'll see

wilbur, waking up with all his memories: HOLY SHIT TOMMY WASN'T KIDDING phil, who was reading beside the bed tommy placed wilbur into, which was in technos house. yes he broke into technos house with a passed out wilbur. move on.: hm? wilbur: holy shit phil: huh? yeah. wilbur: wait you knew? phil: yeah i recongnized him as soon as i saw him about 5 years ago now? wilbur: excuse me while i freak out because my little brother is an actual god

it really hits wilbur that tommy is a god later

wilbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? wilbur: how fucking old are you? tommy: snorts of course thats the first thing you ask wilbur: well? tommy: i dont really know the exact years since years are kind of a human thing that were invented recently wilbur: they were invented thousands of years ago- tommy: but it was around the beginning of this galaxy wilbur, softly: what the fuck

tommy telling wilbur stories about different heros and villains and different humans he met during his life.

Adsjbffsg what if Tommy made himself blonde and blue eyed and white bc thats hyow the first human he met looked like asjfhsd

and just didnt change that, despite meeting new humans, its just his defult settings.

he would totally do this tho im crying.

drista just based her human form off dream because she is his sister now. he must deal with this. trying disowning me when i look like you BITCH.

thats my take anyways later might continue this

Yang arguing with Ruby because she doesn't approve of her relationship with Cinder

Yang pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Ruby… no… you cant date Cinder.” 

“And this isnt anything you have a say in.” Ruby put her hair in a ponytail and smiled at herself in the mirror. It had been a couple years since she had graduated Beacon, and even though Cinder was caught trying to bring the school down and had since paid for her actions, it was understandable why Yang wouldnt want Ruby near her. “I’m a licensed huntress and can defend myself if needed. And Cinder has changed. You’d understand that if you ever tried to talk to her.” 

“I dont need to talk to her to know that she hasnt changed.” Yang shook her head and sat down. “This is Cinder we’re talking about. The same person that tried to dismantle Beacon and tried to kill you.” 

“And that was years ago. I’ve forgiven her for that, why cant you?” 

“Because you’re my sister, Rubes! What if she tries to kill you again?” 

“Then I’ll defend myself and do what I have to.” Ruby sighed and started working on her makeup, keeping it light with a little eyeshadow. “And what makes you so sure she’ll try again?” 

“Someone like her never changes. Take Adam for instance. He refused to let go of his grudge with Blake-” 

“And so you had to stop him by force, I know.” Ruby sat her eyeshadow palette down and sighed. “But she’s not Adam. I have worked with her over the last couple years to help her make amends for what she did and to the people she hurt. I’ve watched her grow and realize her mistakes, what she does when she’s given a chance to improve. She’s… misguided.” 

Yang rolled her eyes a bit. “You sound like you’ve been talking to Blake too much.” 

“Because we can see the good in others?” 

“Because you’re both blinded by what you want to see and not what’s right in front of you.” 

“Funny, I was thinking the same about you.” 

“Ruby, this is different-” 

“And how is this different?” Ruby asked as she slammed a fist against her vanity. “How is this any different than you dating Mercury? Or Weiss getting with Ilia? If you havent noticed, none of us have had a great track record with dating “nice” people. Ilia tried to kill you once if you dont remember, and Mercury helped Cinder with her failed attempt. Yet, I dont see you worried about either of them making the same mistakes.” 

Yang frowned, her eyes went red as she stood up. “Because unlike you, the two of us arent naive. Unlike you, we arent going to be tricked by those who wronged us and will make sure they strive to be better. Its like you dont remember what happened between you and Neo. I was the one who had to bail you out after she framed you for murder. I was the one who had to be there to make sure that you werent arrested for something you didnt do. You have a habit of looking at broken people and thinking you can magically fix them if you support them, but you forget to keep an eye on everything else that’s going on around you. You cannot trust Cinder.” 

“Then we’re done here.” 

Yang watched as Ruby stood up and started to walk out of the apartment. “And where are you going?” 

“On my date with Cinder.” Ruby paused at the doorway and sighed. “I get you dont trust her and that I’ve made questionable decisions, but I know Cinder. I know I can trust her and that I will be safe around her. And I refuse to let her past define who she is after I’ve seen her change. Why cant you?” 

Yang sighed once more. “Because I know her kind and she wont change.” 

“If that’s what you think then I wont try to change your mind. Do not follow me.” 

i cant HATE hanzo because i dont think that he meant to do what he did but his whole fight with gon was just a HORRIBLE lesson to gon. he 1000% internalised everything that happened theres just no way that he didnt. being told over and over again that he cant win, that he needs to give up, and having countless adults just stand around and not say or do anything. like i know i know its part of the exam it HAS to test his mental skill but its fucking cruel the only person helping him or showing that they care is leorio, killua, and kurapika. everyone else is literally turning their heads from him. hes getting told that theres no way he could win as hes fucking bleeding and all of his senses are fucked up. he cant see, he cant hear out of one ear, he cant get up, he has a broken arm, his nose just got busted and he still tries to fight, he doesnt give up, and he tells leorio that hes fine. its nothing he cant handle.

hes screaming out in pain and no one is doing anything. they might stare in shock or they might show that they litearlly cant stand to watch gon but gon litearlly cant SEE. gon is stubborn to all hell and he wont give up.

the fight does a couple of things.

by eventually winning, it teaches him that he can keep going. he can have absolutely no strength in his body and he still will force himself to try and recover and try to fight. i could see gon exhausting himself to death because of this mindset. he will force himself over and over and he refuses to give up no matter what and he will only ever use his own strength and try to win. he goes through the thought that hanzo wouldnt cut off his legs because that would make him bleed out-- he doesnt think about how horrific it would be to have his legs cut off, its not like he doesnt take it seriously, but he doesnt take his own life seriously. he doesnt CARE. he would rather die than not be a hunter.

people praise him when he does well in the fight, and that teaches him that all he has to do is keep going. all he has to do is do good and he will be fine. all he has to do is keep getting back up and people will love him and he'll be admired. and all of this because of his dad, because he wants to find his dad, and i think the fight also teaches him that his father would eventually praise him for all of his efforts.

by hanzo still being nice, and not actually wanting to kill gon, pleading with him over and over again that hes not going to quit, that gon is going to die if he continues... and then hanzo pussing out and not doing it like that plants the idea in his head that the "bad guys" or the people that he has to fight ARENT that bad, i believe. this ones a hunch. i think that this will put it in gons head that eventually he will come out on top because his opponents cant be the worst people inside of their hearts, that they wouldnt kill him. you can bring up that gon refuses to take an easy win, that gon NEEDS to have a fair fight, but that doesnt really change anything. subconsciously, i think gon has a bit of an overconfidence that he cannot die. hisoka didnt kill him, hanzo didnt kill him, genthru didnt kill him, whatever and whoever didnt kill him. he wont die. i think that if gon ever accepted that he COULD die, like truly let it set in, then he would lose part of himself. i think gon refuses to truly have it in his head that he COULD die because i think that would admit defeat. i know that gon knows he can die, but his mortality and his own life is not serious to him because thats not a concern to him. his concern is his father and his friends.

by his friends being the only ones to outwardly show support, by being the ones who would scream out and tell him to quit, by him hearing them and knowing in his heart theyre barely holding themselves back to save him, their bond grows. i dont want to say thats unfortunate... but its kind of unfortunate. i dont want their bond and friendship to grow over feelings of pain and anguish, but thats what happens. he hears their cries and i know he internalises it as strength for him to keep going. the desperation that his friend show him only makes him be committed to them more. gon doesnt need verbal support, he barely needs people to tell him they like him. after all killua is his closest friend not because killua says nice things to gon and tells him sweet things or anything like that-- he and killua are best friends because of their actions. killua is committed to gon. gon knows that. he trusts killua because of that. gon sees the things his friends do for him, and it makes him want to match those exact things as well.

hanzos age is also a small thing, but a big thing at the same time. hanzo does mention his age to gon as a side note, but gon brings it up as a main point. he talks about how hanzo is only six years older than him. he doesnt keep going with that point, but i think his brain does do something with it. gon ends up putting that as motivation, i know he wants to match hanzos strength. he probably wants to be better than hanzo, stronger and more skilled. if gon got to hanzos age and was weaker than him i think he would hate himself for it. gon has unreasonably high expectations of himself, and age matters to him in the way that he needs to be stronger than everyone else. yes, to make his father proud and to thank him, but i know its also so he can protect his friends and family as well.

even what killua eventually eventually does, just that small thing of drawing hanzos face on the ground and saying that gon is nowhere near his strength... thats just basically forcing gon to compare himself to hanzo (something i know killua didnt mean as a bad thing). hanzo isnt the biggest threat that gon has ever had to deal with; i dont think that he has made THE absolute most impact, but i HAVE to think about it in this sense: gons spirit is...strong. but hisoka wounds it when he gives him an "easy win" and passes gon his badge. this makes gon deal with a bunch of self worth issues for a few days straight... and then hanzo goes and does all of that to him. had it been separate from everything that hisoka did i think that it mightve not hurt as much, but all of the stress i know went to his head. the end of the hunter exams were some of the most impactful yet painful events for gon, at least thats what seems to show once you looka t the behaviour that follows. i cant hate hanzo because i know he didnt mean to make gon develop the way he did. but i think hanzos fight did horrible damage to the way gon thinks.

date night || tsukishima kei (f!reader)

request :  hello!! could i get some extremely fluffy tsukishima where he and his s/o are hanging out in a pillow fort (s/o made it and forced tsukki to come sit in it w her) and they’re watching disney classics and singing and eating popcorn and cuddling until late hours and there’s a lotta lovin!!!

warnings : mad fluff

a/n : i am a tsukki simp yes i am i simp for tsukki yes i do 

when tsukki walks into his girlfriend’s room and see the literal fortress built on her floor hes like

im leaving

hes like please i just wanted to sit and chill why is there a whole setup,,,, when did you make popcorn,,, why is there a pizza delivery guy outside-- IS THAT A KARAOKE MACHINE ABSOLUTELY NOT

but they havent been able to have a date night in a while because theyve both just been too busy so really who is he to say no

hes gonna grumble about it but hes never gonna say no

i mean absolutely IS going to say “no” ,,, like 15 times

but his heart is never gonna say no

“[letting himself be dragged into the room] no”

“[being pushed down into the fort] no way”

“[handing her the laptop so she can set up the movie] absolutely not”

“[opening his arms for cuddles] this is ridiculous i dont want to do this”

his gf’s like boi stfu you love mulan too 

mulan best movie no changing my mind

slowly but surely he stops complaining 

he says hes only allowing this bc of the pizza and popcorn and candy

and that its been a while since he indulged like this so he wont leave yet

but really hes just having a great time watching his gf bop along to the songs and get so invested in movies theyve both seen a hundred times

if he wasnt totally into this “dumb idea” he wouldnt have turned off his phone as soon as he got there

he will fight the karaoke machine though

“we can just hum or something why do we have to full out sing”

“i cant even sing i refuse to sing”

plot twist hes gonna do it

once she gives him the Eyes (TM) hes done for 

“,,, ONE song. ONE.”

he wont go full out ever bc he just cant bring himself to, but he will sing in a low voice that gets overpowered by her singing but is still loud enough that she’ll be satisfied 

hes like “whatever, i guess its fine”

“she seems happy so ill just keep going i guess”

“i know i said one song but i kinda like the next one so,,”

tsukki shut up youre having fun 

he’ll only turn off the karaoke machine once he notices that shes getting sleepy

he’ll just do it subtly in between song scenes because he knows she wont fight it 

shes already got her head on his chest so he knows its only a matter of time

when he does feel her breathing even out hes just gonna watch a few more minutes on his own so the sudden darkness doesnt accidentally wake her

and then hes going to use his lengthy ass leg to gently close the laptop and push it aside before settling in carefully

and pull her closer as he closes his eyes, knowing shes going to tease him for enjoying their date when they wake up the next morning

but for some reason he cant bring himself to care too much about that part

(i dont care to do c! tags bc theres. so many characters. if i dont say cc! then im talking abt the characters) normally i am not one to think much about the syndicate bc outside of ranboo being there to protect tubbo the syndicate Frustrates me a bit but. if phil starts to realize just how fucked over tubbo got by schlatt being erased from the narrative (and especially how shittily techno has treated tubbo) then i really hope they lean into like. the fact that the syndicate may soon turn into phil, niki, ranboo, and possibly the mystery member (im including mystery member mostly because i think tubbo is on good terms with almost everyone except like. dream, possibly wilbur but we'll see, and like the eggpire ppl but none of them are likely options but it is possible that the mystery member could just be neutral) all like. wanting tubbo to be safe and phil is *just* reasonable enough that i think he'd realize how unfair it is for tubbo to have been subjected to so much shit just for techno to introduce even more fear and the need to hide in his life

like phil already keeps the bee duo marriage and michael a secret, he lets tubbo come over and while of course its mostly from the semi lore vibes phil seems vaguely fond of tubbo already (i dont think phil and tubbo have father/son vibes tho, more just like. tubbo is just That Kid that adults cant help but adore even though the kid will rob them of house and home. slightly amused elder watching a tiny fucking gremlin make sex jokes and talk about soviet russia), niki from what i remember still cares about tubbo (probably because she cant redirect any anger towards him without realizing how unjustified it would be kcnsks she can come up with excuses for hating tommy but tubbo didnt do anything that niki has a problem with outside of her maybe having a bad view on butcher army if she knows about it?), ranboo is. ranboo. i dont need to clarify. and then like said theres a very low possibility of the fifth member *disliking* tubbo or being unable to sympathize with him.

people talk a lot about how techno needs to lose in a way that he cant easily come back from without introspection and i think while the rest of the syndicate standing up for tubbo would increase technos grudge against tubbo initially its also like. something that i think would maybe force techno to see tubbo as a person because now theres nothing techno can box (haha gettit. tubbox tubbo in a box tubbo getting boxed into certain roles by people who refuse to let him out techno esp doin this teehoo) tubbo into that wouldnt just. acknowledge that tubbo is a person. hes not apart of the government anymore, not planning any failed revolution, the most negative title to his name is being one of the nuke makers but even then thats out of fear and safety and techno knows that. otherwise tubbos current crimes are nothing thats special to tubbo (like. stealing and searching for evidence in ppls homes and stuff, the latter of which techno doesnr even know about). right now tubbos a husband, a father, a friend, a kid, *ex*-government, a person. and just.

i think that with how much foreshadowing about tubbos execution no longer being a secret amongst the witnesses and tubbo himself and soon being something that people close to techno like phil and ranboo know about as well (in that i want phil to learn that techno did it and for ranboo to learn about it in general bc hes just biased enough for tubbo and just smart enough that i think even if somehow he wasnt told who did it he could figure it out), and with the fact that tubbos lore has been confirmed to now be something thats actively going to be played into? i think (or at least hope) that it might spur phil and techno into finally seeing tubbos side of the story (and probably also get into the possibility of tubbo opening up to tommy and ranboo but i do think realistically either tubbo will try to play it off/not truly open up about how much its effected him or tubbo will at first shut down or go into complete repression mode, especially if phil and ranboo get the story from other people rather than tubbo himself [but god do i hope they confront tubbo himself]. either those two or tubbo talks about his emotions through fucking snapping at something/someone like he did at quackity when reminded of his execution, which as long as its Not tommy or ranboo ill absolutely be cheering on him for)

which is all a very convoluted way of saying uhh. *grabby paws at the ccs currently involved in the arc of clearing up personal misconceptions about l'manberg (and especially tubbos involvement and how easily those around him judged him based off of their versions of the story)* tubbo lore? tubbo healing tubbo talking about his problems? characters learning to see him as a person and recognizing how traumatized he is and that hes not uneffected but actively repressing any effects? please? (also ending note as the cherry on top of this essay that im sorry for dropping into your inbox: im kind of glad that tommys healing arc and tubbos possible healing arc are going to happen at similar times but are still separate. something something its nice to see acknowledgement that tommy and tubbo wont heal in the same way and arent going to know how to help each other but theyre still going through it together. their arcs are intertwining without removing their individuality and as someone w major co-dependency issues its kind of nice idk. you can be there for someone and still acknowledge that you have your own things to go through too and that while you wont be alone you shouldnt force those around you to support you. the bench trio are all helping each other out of free will and genuine love for each other while still realizing they have some problems they arent ready to talk about yet that arent forced to the open because theyre all doing their best to handle each other with care and i just. bench trio my beloveds. the kids are alright.) -🎭🎪 (also as the actual end note if theres ever a need to refer to me as something other than the emojis mask or eyez works fine but the idea of my name being the emojis is also Very Funny to me so do what you will)

im working on my aperture camera college assignment rn and my brain is sort of fried so i dont have an intelligent answer, but i got the happy chemical reading this.

yeah. i think we all know here that my favorite character is tubbo, and i REALLY hope we get him addressing anything that’s happened to him in canon. pretty much all of what you said sounds very good. *grabby hands* spare tubbo lore? please? spare tubbo lore?

perhaps during the three weeks wilburs off in the fucking woods (/lh) we could have a the-others-find-out-what-happened-to-tubbo-(and in DETAIL)-arc. pleaseeeeeeeee and ty

The Last Unicorn and expressions of toxic masculinity

i watched this movie the other day (and ill read the book soon) and ive read a few articles about it but so far none said exactly what i thought about it and what i discussed w my gf, so i wanted to write down some stuff 

(im putting this here on my sso blog bc 1) horse media 2) feminism)

worth noting that im a man, as is the author of TLU, so my input (and his take) on stuff is obvs from men’s perspectives which is good to be aware of (i think non-men’s perspectives are more important on these issues).

the red bull:

this one is obvious so i dont have much to say, but the red bull can symbolise the “physical” (including but not limited to sexual) aspect of toxic masculinity ( / masculine power as given by the patriarchy). overpowering, violent and stubborn (entitled). it is interesting to note that king haggard uses this bull, and also haggard’s entitlement to women (watching the unicorns makes him happy, so he trapped them and keeps them in torment and fear against their will, and thinks nothing of it since it makes him happy to look at them).

prince lir:

can symbolise an “emotional” aspect of toxic masculinity: he claims to love her and feel for her, but he doesnt even know her (he tells how she never speaks a word to him - yet hes in love?). he comments on her beauty (”anyone can see youre of noble birth”). he is a gentleman overall in behaviour - aside from killing dragons etc, which is socially acceptable violence to him - but in reality he is “in love” with this idea of a beautiful, gentle, quiet woman, evidently, since thats all he knows of her. he gets frustrated that she doesnt react to his attempts at impressing her with heroic feats (stereotypically masculine prove-my-strength). he feels a desire towards her despite not knowing her as an equal person but as an idealised woman. in addition, the lady is able to “fall for him” (although she also doesnt know him - i wouldnt call any of this “love”) only when shes forgetting who she is, forgetting her true self and becoming someone who fits into a role that is handed to her. she also doesnt choose to stay with him once she has returned to her true form, even if she keeps some feelings. (what those regrets and feelings are is interesting to think about.)

schmendrick the wizard:

can symbolise an “intellectual” aspect of toxic masculinity. he acts annoyed when molly says she will join them in their quest, to which molly says “why dont you ask her (the unicorn)?” - what right does schmendrick have to make that decision? hes not physically forceful the same way the red bull is and he isnt emotional the same way prince lir is, but he still holds a stance where he considers himself more important/worthy than molly. its another form of confidence and self-worth that the patriarchy gives men while refusing to give it to women and other genders. (i mostly focus on male-female here because the patriarchy is binary even though i dont personally believe in the binary!)

the harpy:

in comparison to the story’s female unicorn who can symbolise typical beauty, youth, innocence (including virginity), and so on, the harpy (also female) appears “ugly” and old, bitter / angry, and violent in the way of revenge. she is being held captive; her way of fighting back is being suppressed. 

i feel like theres a lot to say about the mommy fortuna part, but i want to read that in the book before i say anything so i wont put it in this post if i write about it at all. 

thats what i had to say for now but if anyone has thoughts on this feel free to reblog n add stuff or criticise my interpretations or anything <3 im thinking a lot about this movie rn

Make up or Break up

Summary: Ransom can't seem to settle down for you and your over the back and forth so you try to leave but he wont let you get away so easy. Is this the end or the beginning? Warning: Angst, Swearing, Aurguing, Smut Ransom being a bit of a Hoe teehee. Again not very well edited. Hope you enjoy xx ------------------------ "Hugh Ransom Fucking Drysdale, are you insane?!" You shouted as he took a swig of his beer. Rolling his eyes he pulled off his coat and scarf throwing it over a chair. "I leave for two fucking days and you your mates throw a party for a bunch of cheaps whores. No doubt you fucked one of them! Jesus christ! Is this what I get for putting up with your shit?" Your hands ran through you hair, pulling as you paced back and forth. "Do you ever think?" You questioned and he moved to the living room. You followed him only to watch him plop himself down unceremonisously on the sofa turning on the T.V, trying to drown your voice out. "Can you stop nagging for once? Just fucking chill" He asked sarcastically giving you that look. "You know what. Fuck. You. Just. Fuck you." You breathed out before storming up the stairs towards you shared bedroom. He rolled his eyes until he heard the loud sob and the sound of things being thrown to the ground. His eyes widened as he jumped off the couch running up the stairs to catch you hastily and aggresively throwing your clothes into the suit case you had soon to unpack. Coat hangers and shoes laid all over the ground. "Wha-What are you doing." He started to pick up random items thrown carelessly on the ground. He threw them towards the closet. You sniffed and wiped your nose with the back of your nose and sobs racked your body. "I cant do this anymore Ransom. Your a self-absorbed son of a bitch who doesnt deserve all the shit I've done for you! I can't be with you anymore." You sobbed as you turned back to your clothes in the closet, you pulled them off the hangers, refusing to look at the man standing frozen in the door way. "No, no, no, no, no. You can't leave! What the fuck?!" Finally snapping out of his daze he rushed over to where you were and started pulling your clothes from the case throwing them on the bed beside him. "Stop." You spoke darkly picking up the newly discarded clothes and shiving them rouchly back in. You falt as if you were going in a circle. When you put something back in he pulled it out again. "Ransom, your being childish." Your voice shook as you paused with your hands inside the case so he wouldnt pull and more out. "I'm being childish? Whos the one threating to run off?" He asked incrediously. Scoffing, you continued to shove your shoes in. Zipping it up you moved over your vanity packing you make up into a bag. "Fuck, baby. I'm sorry. I didnt mean that. But jesus fuck you can't leave me! You mine!" He slammed his fist on the wood next to you. Stopping for a moment you let out a shaky breathe before continuing. "I'm no ones fucking property Ransom. And im certainly not yours. I cant keep living with you knowing you'll never truly be satisfied with me, or anything in your life. God your so selfish. I can;t live knowing everytime i leave your probably out with some skinny, model looking bitch!" You screamed, all the frustration that hasd built up in the last 15 minutes pouring out of you. "Why can't you trust me!?" He yelled back. You scoffed and smiled bitterly. "Give me one good fucking reason to! Every time i leave you alone, i see pictures of you with your arm around some bitches shoulders. Videos of you stumbling from strip clubs. Jesus christ Ransom, GIVE ME ONE GOOD FUCKING REASON TO TRUST YOU!" You sobbed as you picked up a picture fram of you and him at your cousins wedding a while back. Without thinking you piffed it at him, luckily in your tear stained vision your aim was thrown off and it flew straight over his head. "Look if you would just list-" He tried to reason. "NO. I'm sick of your lies and excuses. I'm done listening to your bullshit Ransom. Get it. Done!" You cried before moving back to the suitcase shoving your make up bag into it and pulling it off the bed. "hey. No, your not leaving me. are you listening to me?" Soon enough he ripped the handle from your grasp, grabbing ahold of your wrist and pushed you up against the wall. His now red eyes stared back at you, into your bloodshot and mascara smudged one. You tried yo look away but one strong hand attatched itself to your jaw and made you look him in the eyes. "You can't leave me! Okay?!" His voice softened as his eyes searched yours. "Please. I need you." You rolled your eyes and jerked your face away from his hand. "No you don't. You can have any whore you want, you. Dont. Need. Me. Just like i don't need you." Your words came out harsh and aggresive. You watched as he flinched slightly at your words, but quickly snapped himself out of it as he ducked his head towards you neck, placing light, open mouthed kisses along it. "Let me show you how much i need you, please." You rolled your eyes but let yourself give in. A little make up/ break up sex wouldn't hurt. As much as you didn't want to you let yourself induldge in what could possibly be your last night of pleasure with Ransom. Your lips parted as he started to suck marks into you collarbone. Yanking yourself from his grip you pushed him back towards the bed. "You better make it up to me good, or i so help me god." You growled as you crawled onto the bed to straddle him. His hands quickly flew to your waist and pulled you down towards him to press his lips roughly agaisnt yours. His hands roamed your body affectionately. "You know i will baby. I'll fuck you so good you'll never wanna leave."  he growled as he flipped your bodies over, his brooding frame now towering over your significantly smaller one. His lips attatched themselves the supple flesh of your neck, he sucked  and licked trying to create marks. You let out a breathy moan and the feeling. Your hands slithered there way up his clothed back into his hair, your finger wrapping around the gelled back tufts. His hands made their way under your shirt lifting it over your head before placing soft kisses on your now exposed skin. As his lips decended towards your covered breasts his hands pulled the cups down so the fleshy globes spilled out. His lips immediately connected to them as he licked and sucked your hard nipples. His hands trailed behind you hastily undoing your bra clip and pulling roughly from your body only to continue to suckle on your nipples like a starving child. You hands soon found their way up his sweater and onto his tan skin. Your nails trailed their way up the expanse of his sloly pulled his shirt up as a signal for him to take it off. He quickly ripped it off so you could go back to raking your manicured nails down the toned skin of his back. His kisses their way down your body until he reached your jeans. Fumbling with them his yanked them down your legs your underwear going with them. An almost animalistic growl escaped his mouth as he gazed at your wet center. "God baby, so wet for me." He swiped a finger through the wetness bringing it to his lips sucking the wetness off. He then clamped his lips around your clit roughly sucking all while keeping his eyes on yours. You threw your head back in pleasure, moans and groans spilled past your lips until a large hand reached up and gripped your chin forcing you to look down at him.   "Keep your eyes on me baby." HE whispered before immediately going back to work. His tongue lashed and licked expertly through your slit, the hand that was cupping your jaw came down to rub rough circles on your clit. The stubborn side of you so badly wanted to conceal your moans to not give him that satisfaction but he was just so damn good. "Gonna cum for me babe? Huh? Cmon, cum all in my mouth for me." His husky voice fanned across your lower lips, cauing you to shiver. Chuckling, he thrust his long tongue into your entrance, causing you to grip his hair roughly.  You hips lifted off the bed and you ground them hastily into his face. "Your such an asshole." You breathed out as your first orgasm of what you knew would be many tonight. He continued to lick you through the after shocks, his lips wrapped around the little nub lightly as you chest heaved up and down. You flopped down letting out a loud breath. Before you knew it Ransom's broad figure loomed over your own, his lips swallowed up your gasps and heavy breaths. "Not even gonna make you suck me off, baby." He smiled as he nosed up your jaw a smile . You hadnt realised that he had taken his pants off until you felt his hard length press into your thigh. His lips ghosted up you neck as his fingers rubbed along your slit and caressed you lightly. "Oh, how thoughtful of you." You rolled your eyes as he growled. "Flip that sexy ass over baby." You smirked as you did what he said and got on your knees, your chest pressed into the soft covers, your ass in the air. He hummed running his hands over the soft, plump flesh of what he liked to call 'his' ass. "You want my cock, baby?" His voice, if possible, dropped an octave. A hum was your only response as your hips swayed back and forth hopefully enticing him to finally fuck you. He teasingly rubbed his tip through your slit and against your clit before finally pushing all the way in. You both let out a loud groans as he bottomed out in your pussy. He smiled malicously, before pulling almost all the way out.  He quickly rammed himself back in before continuously thrusing in and out at an anamalistic pace. Letting out a loud 'Oh fuck!' you burried your face into the duvet as he rocked your bodies back forth roughtly. "You like the way I fuck you baby? Huh? Ain't anybody ever gonna fuck you as good as me." He growled as his thrust got harder and somehow faster. You moaned and his hands gripped your waist in a vice like grip, one hand coming down on the soft pillows of your ass. "God babygirl. You won't leave me. Won't leave me coz this dick way too good isn't it baby. Just like your pussy so tight, i'll never need another. You know that baby, don't you." Your pussy contricted around his dick, making him moan loudly. Pulling out, he flipped you over, shoving himself savagely into you once more before throwing your legs over his shoulders. Up on his knees he peered down at your fucked out state, pressing light kisses to you calf soothing you before he quickly resumed fucking you with reckless abandon. Moans and groans bounced off the walls. The sound of your skin slapping echoed through the room, making it all the more erotic.   "Jesus, fuck Ransom!" You screamed as your second orgasm took over your body. You cried out as you body shook from the coil inside you snapping. You flopped back as his thrusts got faster and sloppier as he chased his own high hips snapping into yours. "Gonna cum in this pussy baby."  He snarled he pounded harder into you. You could feel the pain beginning to set in. He moved his hand back down towards your core and rubbed hasty circles onto your clit. Your third orgasm hit you like a truck, triggering his own as he spilled his load into you, cock twitching inside of you. He let out a loud grunt pressing his hips into yours. "Damn, babe." You rolled yourself off the bed making your way to the bathroom once he had let your legs go and flopped down next you. He had a habit of closing his eyes to bask in the aftermath of the mind-blowing sexy you often had. So with out him noticing you picked up your clothes and closed the door. Quickly cleaning yourself up and changing you walked back into the room, grabbing the suitcase, and your phone before making you way towards the door.   Obviously realising you were gone he sat up only to catch you dressed and gathering your things. "Wha- What are you doing?" He stumbled over his words and his feet trying to find his pants as he watched you open the door, suitcase in hand. "I need some time away. You need to get your shit together and figure out in you actually want this, or if you just wanna be a rich, trustfund, playboy for the rest of your life. Let me know when you figure your it out." Your voice cracked slightly as you walked out the door. You heard him rush up and stumble over himself. His voice faded into the distance as you sped up your pace to get to the door before he caught up. Snatching up your keys your yanked open the door and rushing out, the tears threatning to spill. You all but ran down to your car throwing the case in the boot and jumping in, starting up the car and driving down the road. As you drove away you watched Ransom in the rearview mirror. He gripped his hair as he watched you drive away clad only in boxers and unbuckled kahkis. You were surpised he didn't jump in his fancy sports car and chase after you. Tears started to cloud your vision casing you to have to pull over. Your hands gripped the steering wheel, you knuckles turning white as you sobbed to yourself, all while back at the house, there was already a hole in the wall and a bottle of scotch sitting on the table. You sped the rest of the way to your mums house who spent the night consoling you and wiping your tears, before you fell asleep in her bed. One thought plauged your thoughs the entire night, awake and sleeping. Was this really the end? THE END 2nd part linked here  ❤️❤️❤️

A new Hope

ACOTAR - Cassian x (no gender) reader. Reader is an Illyrian trying to better the future of their people. 

Cassian would not doubt that the world ending may be caused by Rhysand, once he learned of his newest relationship. Cauldron hope that Rhys would be able to explain it better than Cassian was to Rhys. 

“She has a great sense of fighting ability. Rhys listen - she’s just as much of an asset as Feyre is!” He shouted as Rhys walked away. 

“An asset or an ass you can look at Cass? I have tolerated quite a few of your less than admirable partners here but I will not have an Illyrian. The Three of us are enough as it is. Besides we dont even know what clan they’re from I wont-” Rhys paced at the top of the step, his anger building the more Cassian tried to persuade him. 

“Rhys just meet them! Meet them and you’ll understand.” Cassian’s voice was quiet at the end,  almost pleading. The high lord paused, glancing at his friend. Rhys had never known him to use that tone unless it was utterly serious. He weighed the risks in his mind. Deny his Army General a simple pleasure or risk losing valuable secrets about his home territory to possible enemy Illyrian clans? The choice was obvious in his mind, but Cassians’ persistence on the matter made him reconsider. 

Rhy’s sighed, his power draining from his taut muscles. He waved a hand at his friend. “If I feel even a glimmer of note taking in their mind I will -Cassian, I will wipe it clean.” His friend’s face lit up with gratitude. 

Cassian bound up the steps and clapped his high lord on the shoulder, his wings flaring with excitement. “You know not all us pure bred Illyrians are such lying assholes.” 

+

You knew that someone would have to winnow you. The experience itself was much much different than how anyone described it. It made flying to the balcony almost impossible. Your head swam in dark spots and stars that weren’t actually there. Cassian’s warm hands righted you before you tumbled over your own feet when hitting the landing. His strong corded arms wrapped protectively around your middle, making sure you were adjusted to your feet again. 

Your stomach rolled. Never from your entire life of flying had anything made you that woozy before. “I think I’m good now - lets just fly next time.” You breathed and nodded to Cassian for approval. It felt like your entire body had been squeezed into a hole and pulled out the other end. 

“I had the house make breakfast-” Mor chirped as she walked in from the stairs. Food appeared on the enormous table. You turned, and vomited over the side of the balcony. 

+

A few hours later, Cassian was beaming at you from across the table. All were laughing at a story he had just gotten done telling, and this place truly felt like a home for him. You could understand why he wanted so much better for you, for all the Illyrians. Better was possible, especially with such a forgiving high lord that was willing to help with ruling over the war camps. 

“Very charming dear boy, but I believe we were here to interview your new pet.” The tiny woman at the end of the table finally spoke. Her eyes shone of a strange silver white that you had never seen before, and she did not eat. She was unsettling, and the rest of the table quieted. Amren, was her own person in the most definitive way. Cassian had warned you of her. You cleared your throat.

“I believe we have enough open minded Illyrians to begin our own camp, a new group where there are no rites, and females are not clipped.” You had practiced it in your head over and over on the days leading up to your meeting with Rhysands inner circle. 

Cassian was grinning like a smug cat at the high lord and lady. Feyre could not hide her shock, and Mor took a long sip of her wine. Rhys leaned back in his chair, intrigued. “Wouldnt that mean a slaughter of these people? If the others found out. You would be painting a target on your back from the start.” No judgement, only pure questions and curiosity. 

“We are trained, and are willing to shed blood if it comes to it.” You stated, willing your voice not to quaver under his questions. You could feel the power in his mere presence alone, and did not want to see it in action. You took a breath before revealing what you had been hiding until this moment. You glanced toward Cassian, who nodded in encouragement. You rolled up one of the sleeves covering the back of your hand. “I am willing to lead them.” Your dark onyx siphon glinted in the light. Utter silence coated the room, shock echoing throughout. Amren’s mouth dropped - then began beaming at you.

You rolled up the other sleeve, revealing the siphon on the opposite hand. “I am willing to protect them. We just need your help.” You stared at the high lord, who’s eyes were wide and jaw clenched. You didnt want to know what that meant. There was a soft chuckle from behind you.

Azriel was smiling wide as he stood next to you, taking your hand. “Welcome to the club. No way Rhy’s is letting you go now.” 

+

“No winnowing. You can fly back with me or not, but I am going to vomit up that lovely dinner.” You pulled on your jacket, happy to be out of the hot seat at the table. So many questions from every angle besides Amren, who had just summoned a cup from the house and drained it. 

“You’ll have to get used to it sometime. Rhys’ seems very interested in you.” He nudged your shoulder lightly, his wings flaring out - as if to taste the night breeze. “And not at all grateful to me for finding you.” He grumbled. 

You rolled your eyes and stretched your arms, preparing for the long flight. You refused to stay the night, despite Feyre insisting. Nerves would probably make it impossible to sleep anyway. Not to mention the thought of sleeping in the same place as Cassian. He was… too tempting. 

“Maybe we stop and camp if you’re still not feeling great.” He started for the ledge, then in a swift stride disappeared into the darkness. You glanced behind to the empty, already cleaned dining room. Magic house, must be nice. You felt a twinge of sadness as you leapt from the balcony.

A howl of adrenaline ripped through the air as Cassian hit an updraft just before the outside of the Illyrian mountain range. His heart soared, the cold wind kissing his skin and making him feel the best kind of alive. You circled with him, the soft glow of the campfires below were warm, but not inviting. You knew those fires were lit for the ones without even tents to call a home. Shame crashed through you. 

Children of your kind, sleeping out in some of the most vicious winters that Prythian had to offer. It made you shudder. You had done all you could for the mothers of some of the children. For the ones willing for change. You knew that it was an uphill battle to create them a new home, but it would be worth it. It would pay off eventually. 

If it worked.

Cassian banked toward you and matched your speed, his powerful wings within touching distance of yours. There was a long moment of silence between you. The wind and the rasp of your wings against your clothes the only sounds. Your face stricken, you tried to force a smile at him. “You dont have to go back, you know. We can figure something else out if you don't want to stay at the House of Wind.” 

“What would that show my people?” You snapped back at him. The offer was kind, yes but Cassian might not know how bad certain camps had gotten. Especially the smaller ones. Males had begun usurping smaller villages and kicking children and females out of their own homes. That was on the good days, on the normal days there would be puddles of blood in the dirt roads the morning after the raid.

“I just mean maybe we should.. Stay out together?” Cassian trailed off. You felt your cheeks flush with color. “I mean if you want or if you dont its fine we can-” he started rambling as you descended together, landing just outside the flickering light of the village. 

“You mean the great Night Cout General wants to share a tent with a war camp Illyrian?” You teased, pulling your coat tighter against the cold. The wind on the ground seemed to whip more harshly after landings. As if it was punishing you for being in its way. 

Cassian boomed with laughter, “I havent heard of sharing a tent in years. I cant deny it is appealing.” He wiggled his eyebrows at you. His dark hair curled around his neck, bringing out the color in his dark cheekbones. He stepped toward you, blocking the wind. “Youre appealing.” His voice dropped to little more than a growl, his eyes were dark glancing from your lips to your eyes. 

Your stomach flipped, tying knots up to your slamming heart. His wings flexed out, hands reaching for yours tentatively. The calluses on his palms were warm, and tough where a sword would lay. They matched his personality. You were ready for this. After looking at his full dark lips so long you were beyond studying the shape and curve of them. You were ready to see if they matched him as perfectly as his hands did. 

A high pitched whistle sounded through the camp. Cassian groaned, his hands tightening on yours. Your eyes widened as you spied the cause of the interruption. A band of males were circling a fire, a few of them with weapons. Some with nothing more than a few scraps of clothes. 

“Shit” You breathed, starting toward the group. You didnt know what you would do, but nothing would touch this village, the camp you worked so hard to preserve. You felt your siphons thrum with power. You would eviscerate them if they would not listen, you knew that much. You had hopes with this side of the village, that this would be more civilised than the south side where the fighting rings were. 

Cassian grabbed your wrist before you could get farther. “I will help. Show yourself to them. Let them feel fear of the siphons. If they dont listen I can.. I will help you.” His eyes hid nothing, icy rage filled them. 

You spun and kissed him, quickly. Quickly before he could pull you in, and get lost in the feeling of pure him. He faded to the shadows, the whisper of his wings the only thing telling you he was monitoring. Even facing a band of murder frenzied Illyrians, you could barely get the smile off your face.

Thomastair to all the boys I've loved part 2

So enter start of 11th grade

The carstairs are back in town for "mysterious reasons" (CHECK FIRST PART WITH ELIAS DYING OR LEAVING YOU DECIDE)

Alastair is freshly out of a toxic relationship with Charles

He broke it off after the mess with his family not having the time or energy to deal with Charles after everything he was going through

Lets add sole extra angst and say Alastair refuses to believe he was in a toxic relationship rather than "all good things come to an end" and "with his fathers dissaperance he cant work on having an ACTUAL relationship" (basically the one sided shit he was having)

Charles still tries to reach out bit Alastairs refused a million times

Its getting harder to make Charles understand......

OK BACK TO THOMAS

So the scene with kitty and lara where kitty says "its sad im 11 and had to cancel plans to be here with you"

Ok but Thomas watching a movie with kit and anna and kit going "Thomas I am the president of the chemestry club, and secretary if the science bowl, yet I had to cancel plans to be here tonight"

I am again saying Thomas really closed off everyone and Anna and kit are at a limit as to what to do next

Anna just offly says that if it comes to it they can force carstairs to talk to him "Didnt Thomas basically worship him back in middle school?"

Then kit remembers the letters

And even if he respects Thomas privacy they are AT A LIMIT HERE HE WONT TALK TO ANYONE AND WONT ALLOW HIMSELF

He tells anna and they (yep they/them anna for this au) say maybe they can send one, and just push him out of the shell he had built himself into

"Whats the worse that could happen?"

"Well anna theres a lot that can go wrong see-"

"Were doing it"

(Just to clarify this wasnt necesarily correct on their part but Thomas was in a really low place ok? He refuses help and they were just trying to get him to open up again it came from a place of desperation cause he wouldnt accept helo and just kept getting worse)

So Alastair does get the letter and hes...........surprised to say the least

This was.....not what he expected

Specially since it seemed to be written years ago

So he goes to talk to Thomas about it and the moment Thomas sees the letter he literally almost dies

But Thomas is smart

He puts two and two together

Who else but his family had access to his room? Who else but his family and their beddie eyes that had been walking on eggshells around him all these months

He's not stupid he sees how Kit and Anna had been treating him, as if he couldnt take care of himself

And he wants sure HOW they knew of the letters but hes sure it was one of them who sent it

And just as hes about to die of panick he sees kit sneaking around in a TRACK FIELD??? WHICH HE AVOIDS LIKE THE PLAGUE?

Hes tired of being treated like he needed to be superviced

So in a moment of FULL recklessness and anger he just fucking kisses Alastair

And right after apologizes under his breath and asks Alastair to meet him after school

ZIA COME BACK I NEED THE REST

AND YESSS THEY/THEM ANNA FOR THE W I N

OMG PLS THE IDEAS U ARE GIVING ME I AM LIVING FOR THIS

assassin AU

*me talking to my friend*

Shizaya Redesign!

and !!!! that shizaya redesign! ACTUALLY! look here: initial AU prompt

assassin!shizuo taking care of brat!izaya ! :D

let me tell you in detail

assassin!shizuo send to kill this upstart tech wizz kid izaya who founded his own company and got really succesful and now his adult business partners want to get rid of him. and shizuo does mean to kill him but instead shizuo ends up running away with him through a series of circumstances which make it seem like shizuo betrayed the people who hired him so he ends up fleeing with izaya cause they are now both hunted by other assassins

and izaya totally hates being wih shizuo at first. and shizuo wonders why he bothers with this brat but izayas skills (hacking and tech wiz stuff) prove to be invaliable so its an unlikely partnership based on nessessity. at first. but after killing so much for a living, shizuo thinks for once protecting somehing is nice

okay sorry i wish i could give you more for assassin shizuo taking care of a little shit and slowly coming to enjoy it but i actually never came up with more or concrete scenes

or you know maybe, imagine this. they are staying at some hotel and shizuo was out shopping and comes back and finds izaya lying on his stomach on the bed, playing videogames or you know actually, he lies on his back, his head hanging upside down the edge, and he plays like that and shizuo comes back to such a /childish/ scene that he cant even comment. izaya gives him a welcome back without looking at him and when shizuo walks past him and the tv in order to get to the kitchen he just gets an Hey (for being in izayas field of view haha) izaya then asks if shizuo got the stuff and shizuo just sighs and throws a bag of cheese chips at him which izaya gleefully tears open and starts munching

izaya in this is such a hypocritical contradiction of health cause he will happily stuff himself with all kinds of snacks but draws the line at junk food and instead demands his proper meals are healthy

so shizuo goes to cook dinner while izaya keeps stuffing his face and shizuo tells him to stop or he wont have an apetite later but jokes on him izaya still wolfs down the dinner shizuo makes (and says its delicious) cause izaya is a growing boy.

what the fuck this is way too wholesome with shizuo taking care of like 16 year old genius izaya, there is no way i can put fucking into this later with shizuo way too much of a guardian hahahaha

well i guess not every AU needs them to get together. instead shizuo becomes his bodyguard (izaya later also pays handsomly once the whole plot with the betrayal and framing and other assassins and corporate takeover is over) and they become good friends.

and maybe a few years later when izaya is older (between 18 and 20) and laments (like full on imagine him lying on a bed or couch with his hand dramatically raised to his forehead like hes about to faint like a victorian virgin and just overdramatically ranting. he is such a drama queen bottom bitch) that he could never find an interesing partner cause people are only interested in his looks and money and that shizuo is the only one who sees him for who he is and unaffraid to tell izaya off

so at first izaya jokingly comes onto shizuo or like fullon suggests they should try hooking up (i imagine shizuo is like, mh, 29 when he meets izaya? has been an assassin for a while. so he is like 13 years older.) and shizuo is just like What The Fuck Brat and says if izaya really wants to get laid that bad he could just pay anyone he wants.

izaya says he doesnt trust anyone, "remember that time my businesspartners send an assasin after me?! that was scary!" he says in mock fright. shizuo just grunts.

izaya then drapes himself around shizuos neck, shizuo going stiff, and whispers in his ear "common shizu-chan, its just sex"

shiziuo untangles izayas arms from his shoulders and gets up, leaving. not cause he is afraid he will give in but cause he is afraid izaya will push this too far and then get pissy when shizuo keeps refusing him and it will destroy the trust and friendship they build up. cause shizuo does enjoy this life at izayas side way more than his previous occupation

more from before the timeskip: imagine shizuo carrying izaya under one arm to get away in dangerous situation and the first time it happens izaya hates it, the second time he is completely nonchallant about it and types on his phone while shizuo is carrying him also since izaya is tech wiz hacker he gets them like access to security footage so that shizuo can sneak up on their pursuers

also, i imagine it a bit like Dishonoured videogame? like its a stealth assassin game and the plot is neat but anyway for every 'major' assassin mission for the plot you have the option of just killing the target or finding a noneleathal way of getting rid of them

some of these may include selling them into slavery but hey, at leas theyre alive xD yay morality.

anyway. imagine like this situation shizuo finds himself in, protecting a kid and multiple other strong assassins on his tail. he COULD, and would normally just kill all persuers to ger rid of them but with izayas tech wiz skills (cause iazya doesnt want to kill people) they find other ways to take them down.

like maybe one gets held up in the airport and then arrested and izaya conveniently reveals their identity as a hitman so the police just made a goldcatch. or another gets into a traffic accident and will be out of commission in a hospital for a while first (while izaya reveals their identity to the police...

okay the only way to take down hitmen with technology is to have them caught by the police but still xD nonleathal means xD

and shizuo is really impressed by izayas abilities (and izaya also gets them fake IDs and passports and creditcards and makes reservations in hotels under fake names so he keeps them afloat while they are on the run while shizuo protects them from physical danger. which is also nessesary since some hitmen do catch up with them and shizuo has to take them down. some with lethal force sadly since it was a dangerous situation and it shakes izaya up pretty bad and izaya flinches away from shizuo before he gets  a hold of hismelf again and and tries to laugh it off and say that he is okay but shizuo can see the strain in his eyes and how tense he is. maybe thats towards the begining and thats when shizuo decides that they should try to work out other means of taking down their pursuers

also imagine shizuo teaching izaya his knive skils :3

okay moving to post time skip. like izaya keeps making moves maybe and shizo puts up with it for a while but it gets to a boiling point where shizuo looses his temper and yells at izaya to cut it out (he normally never yelled at izaya) and izaya actually gets scared cause he didnt want to chase shizuo away.

like. izaya had a weird sort of imprinting on shizuo. he does like him as a friend and mentor and guardian but some part of him is scared shizuo will leave? so he tried being more to shizu than just some kid he once protected

so maybe if they talk about it openly they can resolve this and izaya doesnt have to fear shizuo leaving. and shizuo says that izaya can look for a partner his age and shizuo wont get jealous and will instead protect them too and maybe a kid. but izaya also says he meant it serious that noone he meets could ever look past the money he has (and also people are boring). "but shizuchan. shizuchan was never boring. he understands me."

so they do spend their life together in a fullfilling mutually supportive realtionship but it does stay platonic and both are satisfied with that :)

or maybe like 5 more years later when izaya is finally no longer a kid (mentally. that brat) and still says he wants to sleep with shizuo at least once but that it wouldnt change anything between them that they do end up fracking and start a sorta weird mix of platonic and sexual relationship that maybe evolves into romantic so all in all good end (other than that they are totally codependant haha)

or, alternate not good ending: 19 year old izaya pressures shizuo into sleeping with him and shizuo feels horrible about it but satisfies him sexually to appease his temper in order to keep his peaceful life

...

okay more domestic assassin shizaya things: izaya in in charge of their money, ne? and they need to lay low , ne? izaya orders them new clothes online. and shizuo has to wear what izaya buys xD cue them dressing like in the pic above with iazya in the pinks shades and shizuo in the suit. cause that brat wouldnt know subtle if it bit him in the ass

im trying to come up with more scenarios. but i explicitly said izaya DOESNT order copius amounts of take out food. unless its healthy take out food. expensive healthy take out food.

also. imagine. later in life. shizuo teaching izaya some light hand to hand combat self defense. them together standing barefoot on gym mats and izaya is sweating and panting and wiping the sweat off his forehead, his hair sticking in all directions cause he tried attacking and taking down shizuo for the dozends time and shizuo is totally collected and unaffected, blocking and sending izaya to the mat with ease. and izaya gets this really competitive streak. wants to /take him down/.

it actually becomes a sorta game, for a long time. izaya trying to catch shizuo unaware. he only once succeeded, a long while later, after they resolved their problems and fears and live a fullfilling life togehter and shizuo is completely relaxed and at peace and happy.

its interesting to note that the diamonds new ways of “helping” gems arent really healthy imo???? yellow offers to shrink any of the corrupted quartzes horns, which feels a little,,, wrong. those are scars caused by 6000 years of trauma and suffering. they’re also a mark of recovery imo. plus removing the physical reminders of trauma wont remove the memories or mental trauma.

blue is basically drugging gems, and with steven in particular, it’s very forced. steven says he doesnt want to, and even pushes the clouds away, but he’s still forced to sit on the clouds, and its pretty disturbing to watch steven in blue’s song, beacuse every time he’s smiling, he’s being forced to smile. and im not sure that blue’s clouds are very good for spinel either. i know we’re all joking about her looking high in a few shots, but i think she actually might be a little out of it due to these happy clouds.

white seems to be a therapist of sorts, but personally, like steven, i wouldnt enjoy her form of “therapy”. she’s just letting you talk to yourself, but shes not giving any support/validation/advice herself. and even worse, as steven sees, what’s really happening is that gems go see white, and talk to themselves, but it looks as if white diamond is validating you. its almost as if she’s still giving them orders, because from the gem’s point of view, this is white diamond talking to them. and from steven’s point of view, he’s seeing himself as the monster his mother was, the monster he fears that he’s becoming. and then he just talks himself even further into depression, and at the end, self harm. it’s like asking someone who’s depressed to cheer themselves up. to fix themselves. but that’s not how recovery works. 

steven needs the support of his family, but while everyone around him is trying to support him, they arent really understanding the issue. based on what steven tells his family vs what the audience is seeing him deal with, im sure everyone else thinks he’s just going through some normal teen angst.

bismuth casual - bismuth and connie support steven, but they think it’s because he wants to hang out with connie and doesnt want to interrupt her being with her school friends. they dont see how steven is struggling with how pearl and connie are being more “human” than he is. pearl’s making human friends, connie has other human friends, steven cant relate to connie’s friends because he’s never experienced “typical” teen life)

mr universe - greg understands that steven doesnt know what to do with his life, but decides to show steven his childhood, but greg gets so wrapped up in his feelings about his past that he doesnt realize that steven couldnt possibly understand what greg went through. to steven, greg lived in an average house, with an average school life, two parents, and didnt have to decide what to do with his life (because greg told steven about all the activities he was forced to do, but also from the short hair photo, gregs parents were possibly going to enlist him in the military) steven isn’t seeing that greg was forced to do these things. steven’s too focused on the fact that greg had the opportunity to do those things at all. in the end, to steven, greg is showing steven “how good” greg had it, when greg was trying to show steven the exact opposite. and when steven confronts greg about it, greg’s more focused on steven snapping at him rather than what steven actually said.

snow day - the gems think steven is lonely and bored, but he’s depressed and keeping all of his feelings in. he’s still suffering from trauma from two years ago, while the gems have moved on. they couldn’t have known that what happened was still bothering him, but they didnt ask either (not that steven would tell them, but still, they just assumed that they knew what he needed) he didnt need the gems to chase him around with no explanation, to treat him like a kid again. he needed them to be adults, and be the support he needed.

this isnt just “teen angst”. and priyanka did realize that. she realized that this is way deeper, and way more serious than teenage hormones. steven has been traumatized, but now that he seems to be alternating between asking for help and refusing help, his family needs to realize how serious this is before they can truly help steven - and before its too late.

below the cut is a bit of a long venty self reflection.. tw: sensitive topics, the specifics are in the tags

so with quartinteen going on i’ve had a lot of time to look at myself and my actions, i have a bad habit of over analyzing things and ripping them apart. including myself.

i’ve noticed that i keep a lot of things to myself to the point where its unhealthy, i dont tell people when im upset, i dont tell people that im hurt, i dont even tell my parents when i feel sick anymore unless i feel like im dying and need medicine and maybe a trip to the doctor. Im still scared to do that...

i get made fun of and mocked, told im overreacting when im sick or hurt by my parents. its really affected me, being told to walk it off cause im being a baby or im being a drama queen for attention i dont really want. its at the point where i have fallen into a habit of lying about my health, some days i feel like utter shit and i know it will show, i will tell some people, not my parents, my friends i talk to that day. it’s gotten to the point where i was ready to kill myself because my parents wouldnt listen and take me to a doctor after i could eat or drink anything for two weeks without immediately rushing to the bathroom, that was new years eve... i almost did, it took a lot to not do that, and i scared myself, i was scared to call a hotline, i was scared to move, go downstairs, speak, after i spent 30 minutes breaking down and begging my parents to take me to a doctor i was done with life and done with trying. This really affected me and shook me up for months, it was the first time in years i had ever thought about doing that, i felt horrible and miserable cause i scared a lot of people that night. 

my mental health is even worse than my physical health all the time, i normally wont talk about it when its bad unless someone asks, i’ve been brushed off so many times by my family i no longer have that confidence i used to. my dad for the longest of time told me my depression didnt exist until my doctor did, he told me i was lying for attention, he told me i didnt have anxiety, i didnt have anything wrong and i needed to shut up and pay attention, push through it and shut up. mental health issues were tabo around my parents for ages, when we got kicked out of our house and moved in with some friends my mental issues really showed through, this was around the time i joined tumblr, my parents would fight constantly and i fled here for safety, it was clear i had something wrong, all of my sibling do as well, my brother has anger issues and doesnt know how to cope with that, he tends to hit things and hit me when angry cause i pissed him off or was in his way, he’s 11 and three times my size. im 16. my sister has anxiety and depression as well, she always drags herself down and fakes a smile to everything, she cant handle being yelled at anymore. we all have faced abuse from my parents, and then moving into a super toxic and worse place for a year made everything worse, my parents stressed and fighting to the point where we would hide and cry cause it was so much. partially through that year i snapped at my best friends dad for being homophobic, racist and sexist, i said a few things and got suspended from my school while there was a sexual predator on the campus after my friends, he was never arrested and he tried to contact me recently because he was bored. i was broken for awhile but going to the magnet school i met some people who helped me. i made a new friend. that place that was toxic we left after they tried framing us for a bed bug issue and tried making us clean the entire house, and the guy who was my dads formal best friend called my mom a few nasty things and called us all lazy and ungrateful. i had a bike stolen during the move and they refused to give it back. we stayed in a hotel for a bit, i became everyones therapist for a few days, my brothers, sisters, moms and even my dads, i couldnt vent to anyone. we moved in with my grandma, my step grandpa turned out to be an abusive asshole and attacked my aunt and almost attacked my mom and grandma one night when we were going to bed, i had both my brother and sister in my room hiding and crying, i was comforting them and telling them the yelling would be over soon. 

my grandma had her ac detroyed, license plate stolen, other stuff stolen from her as well, i was scared to walk to school for a month and had to look at the door at all times. one day he randomly busted through the door and i broke down scared as hell because i was in line of sight and the first person he saw, and was in the same room as him. it took me awhile to recover from that. later on i started failing my classes, i couldnt keep up because my old school wasnt where they were, i was ahead but behind because my motivation slacked and i didnt want to be there, i started getting really sick, i went to try to see my guidance counselor one day because i was ready to break down at everything and i needed to talk to someone and possibly go home, i saw a different one, they recommended a mental health counselor and i start counseling sessions, when i checked out the nurse shamed me for not going to her and checking out. i walked home that day and cried. i started counseling sessions after that, i was still scared to speak about all of these issues, some weeks i didnt see her, others i did, the first day my ela teacher flipper her shit cause i was late that day to her class after i was at a counseling session for part of her class cause i needed to say things and speak. i lost the confidence to talk to me ela teacher after that. she would have issues with the fact that i couldnt speak loudly at times, part of the year she hated the fact that i drew in her class to focus, it took me twice explaining it before she would let me. later on that year she accused me of doing other classwork and make me hold up what i was drawing rather than walking over, i cried the rest of her class and had a panic attack in biology venting to a friend. my parents told me i was being dramatic after breaking down and explaining how my day went. i started to stop speaking up about my issues entirely to them. 

i’ve had issues when i am sick at school, i’ve gotten grounded for going home sick, after i was told i could call home, it was because the nurse said i looked tired, she also had told my dad that he knew me better than she did so she was unsure, he told me in the car i put the family to shame and made him look bad, took away my devices, left for work while i took a nap, i woke up still sick and felt even worse mentally, i forced myself to walk and finish up the rest of the school day. it took my mom yelling at my dad to get my devices back, he guilt tripped me after giving them back and i felt horrible for the weekend. 

my dad started saying i was faking being sick to skip school, keep in mind i have never skipped a day in my life and have always enjoyed going to school, he was just pissed off. my mental health was affecting my physical health, i wasnt able to see my mental health counselor for a month, when i needed to most. 

i started developing and eating disorder again, i started to only eat one meal a day, starve myself for existing, i’ve been fighting it for awhile, it decided to get worse, i am still fighting it. i am at a point where i can handle two meals a day again which is progress. 

when quartinteen started, that ment i was stuck at home, unable to focus on my classes anymore, and my counseling sessions were done in zoom, i wasnt ever in a safe place to openly speak. i tried pushing for therapy, my parents considered and agreed, they tried to figure something out and never got back to it. everything has gotten worse, not only in my head but the world around me...

keep in mind all this, happened in two years. most of the belittling and breaking me down however has gone on for most of my life.

i dont want sympathy, i want to get this off my damn chest, i dont want attention, i was this at hand so when i need to point at something that happened to me i have to reference to while im breaking down. im sorry about all this mess and wasting time typing this out and that right now isnt the time to hear me whine. 

A night in your arms, forever in my heart

Who: KJ Apa & Andy Biersack Where: KJ’s House When: September 3rd Notes: Andy comes over to talk about all the drama KJ has been in, only to talk about feelings. Mentions of Lili, Ro, Michael @hwfameandy

KJ: Reading over the text messages again, KJ was glad he had a friend like Andy when all things came down to it. He knew he was the one person who wouldnt judge him, or his inability to choose what he really wanted. Did he love his ex still? Of course he did. He was ready to ask her to marry him before the breakup, but he had to be realistic. Six months had passed without any contact besides the occasional hello when the situation was required. Now with Ronen and his pressuring to come out and just be with him..to make a choice. It was draining for the now redhead. Unsure of how much time actually went by, KJ heard the knock on his door causing Keo to start barking. "Oh stop it..its just Andy." The man stated, silencing the dog as he laid back down on his dog bed a few moments later. "Hey." KJ smiled once the door was open, moving aside to let his friend enter his home.

Andy:  Truthfully, Andy hates know KJ was going through a difficult situation like this. He knew what it was like, there was a reason that not many people knew about his previous relationship, the two of them did a pretty good job at keeping it a secret so it was safe to say that Andy knew how he felt in so many way and he just wanted to be there for him. He knew that having a shoulder can make all the difference in the world. He made sure he had his dog with him, the small Yorke cuddled in his arm as he made his way up to the others front door. Andy smiled when KJ opened the door. Daredevil starting to bark slightly when he heard his voice. Andy handed him the small dog as he walked into the house. “Sometimes I hate that he’s blind.” He laughed as he instantly made a b line to Kao, leaning down to pet him slightly. “Hi buddy!” He smiled and patted his head before standing up to face KJ. “You look like shit, man.”

KJ:  As the small dog started barking, the smile on KJs face grew wider, pulling the small dog close to his chest. "Well hello there little one." He spoke, scratching behind his ears as he followed Andy into his house-making sure to lock the door behind him. "Aww dont listen to him, little man. You're just lucky you dont have to see your owner's weird face." If there was one thing he liked about his friendship with Andy, it was the fact that they could insult each other all day long, and still know the other will always have his back. No matter the circumstances. "You would too if you had to deal with a grown man acting like a child. I know leading him on wasnt ok, but holy hell did he cause nothing but stress the past few nights."

Andy:  “My face is weird but at least my hair isn’t fake.” Laughed as he pulled his jacket off and tossed it on the back of the couch, his tattooed arms now fully exposed. He ruffled his own hair as he moved to take a seat. “You don’t need someone like that, K. If he’s gonna be a man than he needs to act like one and not get fuckin butt hurt when you lay out your situation.” He spoke as he looked to the other. “Come on, sit, tell me everything.” He added as he reached out to lightly tug on his arm. No matter what happened in his life, KJ was always the most important person in it, and he needed him more than the redhead would ever really understand.

KJ:   "Hey! Mine isnt by choice! Honestly I'm so scared I'll end up bald by the time I'm 40, and I really dont think I can pull that look off." Having to dye his hair three times a week, kj knew it was only a matter of time before his hair started to fall out from all of the chemicals. Once he was finished with Riverdale, he was never going to dye it red again. Watching as he took his jacket off, the man couldnt help but admire his ink, wishing he could get more himself. "I know I'm overreacting a bit right now about the situation since I had just as much involvement in this..but it really irritates me that he couldnt see how uncomfortable I was. If you want me to choose you..how am I supposed to when you cant even pick up on when I'm uncomfortable?" Sitting down next to him, KJ opted to lay his head in his friends lap, wanting someone to run their fingers through his hair as he spoke. "And if the first guy I've really slept with is willing to put that sort of ultimatum up..choosing him or lil..then do I even want to explore that side?" KJ was beyond annoyed at this point and his animated gestures emphasized that.

Andy:  “No, you’ll have hair for a very long time. Just gotta take care of it when you’re done with the show.” He was laughing softly through the words. He didn’t mind the actors original hair color, but there was something about the red that he really enjoyed seeing. When he laid his head on his lap, Andy moved to run fingers though KJs hair, slowly twirling strands around his finger as he looked down at him. “If you think you can have something with that side, don’t let one person ruin the whole thing for you.” He kept his town softly and relaxed. He could tell his friend was annoyed. “I promise you, we’re not all like him. Like I said to you, you need someone that’s going to understand where you’re coming from. No one should make you choose between them and Lili, not until they helped you truly discover who you are and what you want.”

KJ:  "Man I really hope so. It's not terribly damaged, but you can tell it's not as healthy as it should be." After the years of bleaching, the roots are a tad bit dry and no matter what I do to my hair, it hasnt fully gone away." Closing his eyes as Andy began to play with his hair, Keneti couldnt stop the small laugh that escaped his mouth at the thought of what he needed. "So basically what you're saying is I need you." He meant it as a joke, but the words held some volume to them. Andy had always been supportive, and if he wanted to explore this side of himself, he would want it to be with someone like Andy.

Andy:  “We can fix that, I fried my hair a long time ago, took a bit but I was able to get it fixed. Now I don’t mind it at all. And to be honest, I really love your hair.” He smiled softly when he saw KJ starting to close his eyes. He coughed a bit in surprise when he heard the words pass the other lips. He chuckled a bit of a nervous chuckle as he used his free hand to run his fingers through his own hair. “I- well.. I certainly wouldn’t be against it.” He whispered and his fingers were back in the others hairs, slowly sliding fingers through as many strands as he could.

KJ:  "I would greatly appreciate that." He smiled as he opened his eyes for a moment to look at the man. "You love it? Really? Well I suppose I can trust you seeing as you have really amazing style in general." Hearing how his statement caught him off guard, KJ laughed wholeheartedly "what happened to you not wearing your emotions on your sleeve? Because that's what you'd be doing. I'm such a hopeless romantic, that if anything happened between us, I would want that. I would need someone to pour my love into, and you've said you're not about that." If anything he was just messing around with him, but he did make a valid point.

Andy:  Andy nodded his eyes slowly, blue eyes locking on brown ones that looked back at him. “I do. I think you have very beautiful hair.” He smiled through his response. Those words that followed caused Andy to move slowly, sitting up just a bit more in his seat but made sure to keep the actors head in his lap. “Well.. you’re someone i trust, someone that’s never screwed me over. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve seems to be natural when it comes to you.” He shook his head when he spoke. He really wasn’t sure what the hell he was doing here, but he was going to run with it and see which way his own emotions took him, even if it meant he had that underlying fear of getting attached and coming out the loser. “You’re easy to talk to, your sense of humor keeps me going. I’d do it for you.”

KJ:  He was starting to cross a line that he didnt want to cross. Not with Andy. As the words I'd do it for you passed through his lips, KJ pulled away, turning towards his best friend as he tugged on his short locks. "I cant do this. I cant risk what happened with Ronen, happening with you. I know you would never pressure me to come out, and I know you wouldnt hold my past against me, but I cant ruin our friendship. You're the one person in my life that I can tell anything to. You're the one person I genuinely love, and I'm not going to let my confusion ruin anything between us. Not when you've been hurt as much as I have. I refuse to be just another person in a long list of people who let you down. You're different to me..you're special and I cant ruin that..I wont ruin that." He wasnt sure when he had taken Andy's hands into his own, but he finally noticed as his thumbs lazily stroked the back of his hands.

Andy:  Andy kept his eyes on KJ, it was like he couldn’t look away from him no matter how hard he tried. When he hand was taken, his heart was racing in his chest. He laced his fingers with his and squeezed his hand tightly. “This is Ronen? The guy you’re talking about is Ronen? That pissed me off a little because he was texting me earlier and coming onto me hardcore.” He spoke softly as he used his free hand to pull his phone from his pocket to show KJ the messages. “Keneti, listen to me. I’m not going to let anything come between us.. and if that means that I have to swallow my feelings for you then I will, because we both know I’m kinda crazy about you. But I won’t force you into anything. You’re the only one I trust not to hurt me again. I haven’t even told you about my last relationship because I don’t want you to see me weak, because I want to be the person you need me to be.”

KJ:  Looking at the man in pure confusion as he handed him his phone, KJ scrolled through the messages between the pair, growing more and more irritated by the moment. "I'm glad you showed me this. I cant believe how stupid I was to believe that he might wait around until I figured my shit out." Handing his phone back once he reached the end of the conversation, kj nodded his head, letting him know he was in fact listening to his every word. "You were my first crush when I realized I might like guys as well as girls. So that was a wild ride to try and figure out on my own because I couldn't really come to you and say 'hey..I have this massive crush on you, and I'm not sure what this means.' Andy..this is a two way street. You cant expect me to tell you everything when you wont tell me when something happens to you. Maybe I want to be there for you as well?"

Andy:  “Ronen is a player, and I would hate to see him hurt you.” He spoke as he stuffed his phone back into his pocket. There was a lot that Andy was going through and he was the kind of person that would help others with their issues before he would let anyone help him out. “I wish you would have come to me, I would have helped you figure it all out.” His tone was softly as he spoke. One hand holding onto his while the other made its way back into red locks. “I used to date Michael Clifford, he ghosted me for thirteen months, got himself a girlfriend, and had the audacity to tell me that he missed me.” He spoke out as he leaned his head back against the couch. This was the first time he was ever truly opening up about the other and it caused a small chuckle to pass his lips. “I even got into a fight with his girlfriend because apparently the way I treated him was not deserved, when all I did was tell him how bad he fucked me up.”

KJ:  "Yeah well, I dont see anything happening now that I saw that. I'm trying to work my feelings and emotions out, and if he cant wait just a few days while I get my feelings in order, then hes really not worth my time." It hurt knowing he so quickly went onto the next guy who showed him just a little attention, and yet still had the audacity to say he had a date planned. He was trying not to play with anyone's emotions, and he wasn't about to let someone do just that to him. Listening to what had happened with his ex, kj saw red. Anger slowly bubbling in the pit of his stomach as it sank in on what he did to Andy. "Fuck him. You deserve so much better and hes lucky I'm not going over there with a fucking baseball bat for hurting you like that." He knew he was over reacting, but he hated the idea of anyone hurting his best friend. "Its not your fault that he cant keep it in his pants and be a decent human being and tell you it's not going to work. I'm sorry Andy..." he wanted to protect him from anymore heartache, but he wasn't sure what else he could do.

Andy:  "Anyone who plays with your emotions doesn't deserve you, like I said to you earlier, you deserve to be treated like a king." Andy couldn't help but laugh at the way KJ acted and it was a genuine laugh, one that he hadn't let out in a long time. "Calm down there firecracker." He smirked as he moved slowly to lay down on the couch with the other, placing his body just behind the actors. He wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him close to his chest. "I'm not thinking about him right now, and I don't want to think about him." His hand lifted for fingers to lightly run along the hair at the back of KJ's neck.

KJ:  Forcing himself to calm down as he moved Into a spooning position, KJ sighed in contentment as his back pressed against his strong chest. "Alright fine. But if he hurts you again, you're not going to be able to stop me." He wasn't sure how long they stayed there, or when he fell asleep in his best friends arms, but for once in a very long time, Keneti felt safe. He felt like he didn't have to prove anything or choose who he had to be..he could just be himself.