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britswriting · 2 years

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Desire (7)

Desire Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

Sequel to Unbroken

T/W: Body negativity (Talking down to oneself about postpartum recovery)

*Leighton's POV*

The first week without Colby had been tortures.

I was so used to the texts, and calls.. It was like I was back on Sam's birthday and it sucked.

On Colby's birthday, the day after he said he wanted to give us space, I texted him Happy Birthday, and sent him a photo of Gemma so he had one of her on his birthday, but I didn't hear back for hours.

I laid around my house feeling sorry for myself, watching the sky go from bright and sunny to dark and cloudy, not hearing back from him until way after I had gotten Gemma down to sleep.

I laid on the couch watering Master Chef when he replied back with a "Thank You" which felt like a knife in my back.

Was he really done with me?

Had I really fucked him up this bad?

Aaliyah had texted me a few times, asking how things were going, to which I asked the same.

They had finally found a house in Tennessee, and were putting an offer in and before I knew it, she was officially leaving me February 14th.

Happy fucking Valentines Day to me.

Logan was leaving towards the start of February, so we planned to do a dinner at my parents house relatively soon.

Today was January 17th, and I was currently home alone since Gabe took Gemma to his parents house, and I spent my morning sleeping, only to be awakened by a puddle of milk soaking my sleep shirt.

That was a first.

I could feel the weight and wetness when I woke up, peeling the soggy shirt off of my chest.

I pumped before my chest exploded and then took a shower, now adding laundry to my to do list.

I spent most of the day cleaning.

Around dinner time, I was sitting on our old couch, searching job listings, but due to my criminal record, I couldn't find anything.

It would be so easy to go work for a grocery store or even a retail shop, but because of my damn criminal record I was getting nowhere.

I angrily shut my laptop, tossing it to the side and took a deep breath.

I kept checking my phone, waiting for any sort of message from anyone, but only adding to my boredom, there was nothing.

It felt like everyone kept going, and I was just stuck here, trapped between these four walls as I cooked and cleaned and washed baby bottles.

I was twenty one, and my life was already a housewife changing diapers.

I mindlessly stirred my mac and cheese, staring out the kitchen window, watching the world go by.

I took the pot of mac and cheese, a hot pad under it, and sat on the couch, continuing to watch Master Chef as I pumped, not wanting a repeat of this morning.

I grabbed my phone, scrolling through the different apps, not finding any of the games to be interesting.

I saw my baby apps, one of them being my pregnancy bump app and deleted it, cleaning out my phone when I was interrupted by it ringing.

Alex's name flashed across it, and I quickly answered, desperate for any sort of attention.

"Hello?" I answered a little too quickly, setting my pot of mac and cheese on my coffee table.

"Hi! Are you busy?" She asked and I shook my head before realizing how much of an idiot I was.

"No, I'm bored out of my mind, why?"

"Good! Do you want to join my friends and I out tonight? Oh wait.. you have the baby, don't you?"

"No, baby daddy has her. Where are you going?"

"There is this new club in downtown LA and my friend knows the owner's son" She explained, now on speaker as I fixed my pump.

"I thought I was your only friend" I teased, biting my lower lip, trying to stop the smile that wanted to spread across my face.

"Ha ha" She grumbled and I giggled, reaching for the TV remote. "Are you in or?" She asked and I sighed, contemplating my choices.

"I haven't exactly been to a club.. I don't even think I have anything club worthy" I admitted, feeling bashful at the confession.

"You're twenty one and you've never been to a club?" She asked, sounding genuinely shocked which only added to my guilt complex.

I mentally sighed, reminding myself that I've never been a normal young adult, and it was fine that she was surprised by this revelation.

Yeah because I'm a recovering drug addict,

"No, I haven't. They're fun, no?" I asked and I could practically hear the excitement in her voice as she told me all about the music and the drinking and the dancing.

"I'm not the best dancer"

"Come on mama! Those hips don't lie!"

I cringed, glancing down at my pudgy tummy.

"I um.. What do you wear to the club? I still look like four months pregnant" I frowned, still disappointed in my body.

After all, I'm barely in my young adulthood, and my body was already ruined.

No guy would want me now.

"A dress, something lacy, a two piece, a crop top. Anything sexy or slutty or fun" She expressed and my forehead wrinkled as I looked down at my body.

"That's not happening" I told her bluntly and she giggled which made me roll my eyes.

"Come on, you looked hot on New Years!"

"You were drunk. I literally still look pregnant"

"Some guys dig that"

"Not helping" I grumbled.

"Text me your clothing sizes and I'll pick you out something. After all, we aren't leaving till like 10 anyway" She said and I sighed, not wanting to give her my sizes.

After some convincing, I sent her my hip and waist size, and even my bra size, reminding her I'm still nursing so it couldn't have lace fronting.

Lately due to Gemma sucking too hard at my nipples, I've had to use nipple cream and pads to soothe them.

My milk has also been a little heavy lately, hence the leaking this morning, so I also have thicker nipple pads for my nursing bras to help prevent it happening in public.

I get it's normal, but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing.

Alex told me that she was going to go out shopping and that she'd FaceTime me some options lately to get the feel for my style, which meant I was left alone once again.

I ended up eating the whole box of mac and cheese by myself whilst listening to people argue about why their food was underdone, or why their ground beef was on fire.

Around 8:30, I had just gotten off the phone with Gabe after seeing how Gemma was doing, letting him know my plans for the night, when our buzzer rang.

I let Alex up, glancing down at my ugly panda pajamas and pink fuzzy bathrobe.

To make matters worse, my hair was tossed up on top of my head, and my acne was out of control.

Definitely not getting laid tonight, let alone anyone buying me some kiddy cocktails.

"Don't look at the mess, let's just fix it" I muttered, opening the door.

"You look hot, that's annoying" She laughed and I rolled my eyes, knowing I looked anything but.

"You look hot. I look like a mom who hasn't slept in four years" I looked down at my toes, seeing they needed to be clipped.

"It seems like you haven't showered in four years either" She joked and I glared.

"I showered this morning!" I exclaimed, feeling the need to defend myself.

I may look bad, but I didn't look that bad.

"Well, what's that then? Baby puke?" She asked, pointing to my shirt.

I glanced down and frowned, "It's mac and cheese. I dropped it on myself when I was- never mind. What did you buy me? Something that will make me feel fat and ugly?" I asked and she rolled her eyes, handing me the bag.

"I know you said no lace, but it's thick padding. Just try, and if it sucks, I have other options. Whatever you don't like we can return" She said and I nodded, both of us walking to my master bedroom.

"Don't um.. mind the bottles. I haven't washed them yet" I mumbled, seeing the empty milk bottles by my nightstand.

"Didn't notice. Now come on, go try them on and then we can figure out the hair and makeup"

I dumped the bag contents onto my bed, seeing a few different things.

"I am not wearing skin tight pleather jeans" I said immediately, already knowing that they will not be comfy with my thick thighs.

"Okay, well there's other options" She reminded me and I nodded, stifling through them.

"This is the bra?" I asked and she nodded. "It's cute, I'll give you that. I don't know if my boobs will fit though. I'm quite large in the chest area lately. I mean, I naturally have big boobs, but with breastfeeding and-" I rambled and she laughed, telling me she got it. "Sorry" I mumbled. "I haven't had human interaction in a while, didn't mean to ramble" I apologized, suddenly feeling extremely embarrassed.

"Try it on" She encouraged and I frowned, not sure if I wanted to attempt to put it on and then come back out and admit the defeat of it not fitting. "Also.. try on this skirt with it. I thought the pants could go with it, but I think this skirt is cuter" She tossed me a gray skirt and I nodded, walking over to the bathroom.

I decided not to turn towards the mirror, not wanting to see how fugly I looked right now.

I stripped from my clothes, my top loosening my messy bun, causing it to flop against my face.

I huffed, tugging the hair tie out.

I was left in granny panties, frowning at them.

Nothing makes you feel sexy like oversized underwear.

I had some thongs in my drawer, but I was too nervous to try them on and see how much I disliked them compared to my pre-pregnancy body.

My nipples were still quite dark, and looked quite raw from how often Gemma has been nursing lately.

I remember loving the way my boobs looked. Liking the size, and the way my nipples look. I even thought about getting nipple piercings at one point, but I'm glad I didn't.

I slipped on the gray skirt, seeing the elastic band going over my stomach. It seemed to hold everything into place, but I was too afraid to do the jump test.

I sat it up pretty high just to make sure everything was held into place, reaching over for the bra. I noticed how thick the padding was, and I smiled softly at the fact that she listened.

I squeezed my boobs a little, making sure nothing was going to come out as I tried this bra on just in case we had to return it, not knowing if I needed to grab a nipple pad or not.

Thankfully, nothing came out since I had just pumped, and I slipped it over my head, the back of it acting like a bralette, just it had more support under the boobs than my older bralettes.

I finally turned around in the mirror, thankful that it wasn't suffocating my chest.

With how big my boobs have been due to nursing, I struggled to find tops, even to just sleep in, that didn't feel like they were skin tight against my chest.

The worst part is if it was skin tight, and the material would rub against your sensitive nipples.

I don't think I've ever ripped a shirt off my body faster than the night I first experienced that horrid sensation.

I turned a bit in the mirror, bouncing a little to see if anything jiggled in an unattractive way. I noticed certain things move, but all I could hear in my head was Colby telling me how much he loved it.

I thankfully didn't look too bad, thanking God that this skirt really kept everything in place.

I tried not to let my eyes scan, and reminded myself that she said clubs were usually dark, much like New Years Eve.

One thing I couldn't ignore though, were the white heads on my face.

I don't know how long I sat there picking and prodding at my face, but eventually a knock on the door caught my attention, my cheeks bright red now from being messed with.

"Sorry, I was picking at my pimples" I chuckled, opening the door, feeling the heat on my ears at the fact that I had been in the bathroom for so long.

"Holy shit, you look so good! It's definitely the one!" She complimented, scanning me. "Hm.. do you have any black shoes? Like black strappy heels?" She asked and I nodded, walking over to my closet.

We ended up finding some black heels to go with it, placing them next to the bathroom doorway, silently praying I didn't forget about them and trip on my way out.

"You said you showered earlier, right?" She asked and I nodded, "Good, then we can do your hair!" She smiled and I laughed, Alex reminding me a lot of Aaliyah the night I got ready for my date with Silas.

I wonder how he's doing. He was a really nice guy..

"Let's do lipstick last. I have to keep eating and drinking since I'm breastfeeding. Aaliyah always yelled at me for wearing away lipstick quickly" I snickered, a pain of hurt hitting my chest as I remembered she was moving away. "Wait, let me grab my water bottle before you do my hair" I quickly walked to the kitchen, filling up my gigantic water bottle.

I was definitely going to have to pee when we got there.

"I swear this thing weighs as much as my literal child" I laughed, placing the heavy bottle on my bathroom counter.

"Do you want your hair up, down... half and half?" She asked, playing with it a little bit.

"Um.. down. It hides stuff"

"What's there to hide?"

"Uh.. everything" I let out an uncomfortable laugh, Alex shaking her head in disagreement.

"You look pretty, shut up"

"Well what do you want to do to my hair?"

"This" She murmured, moving my hair to the side and placing a soft kiss next to my ear.

"Alex" I whispered, my eyes closing as she kissed closer to my mouth.

"Tell me to stop" She whispered and I sighed, knowing I should but I really didn't want to.

"Alex, we really shouldn't"

"Yeah, but it's fun" She looked at me in the mirror.

"Yeah.. it is" I sighed, giving into her. Her hand pulled my jaw towards her, kissing me softly. "You're not drunk right now, right?" I questioned, wanting to make sure we weren't going to have a repeat of New Years Eve.

I'm all down for kissing her, but I was in no mood to go any further with her tonight.

She shook her head, kissing me again, "Mm, nope, fully sober" She murmured and I nodded, letting the kiss deepen.

"Yep, definitely going to regret that" I laughed, wiping some of the lipstick off the side of her mouth. "You're definitely going to need to reapply" I giggled, biting my bottom lip.

"Mm, it was worth it though, now we better hurry before we end up in bed together and not downing drinks at the club" She laughed, slapping my ass before grabbing the curling iron. "You're not into a pain kink right?" She asked and my eyes widened.

"What?!"

"I'm kidding!" She quickly said and I eyed her, not believing her.

"I don't believe you, and to answer your question. No. I do not. If you burn me with that curling iron, it's going to be shoved where the sun doesn't shine" I threatened and my jaw dropped. "Alex!" I gasped and she giggled, plugging in the curling iron.

"Damn, you look hot" Alex whistled and I rolled my eyes, fixing my hair.

"Not to give a double standard, but I much rather you whistle at me then some dick on the street" I chuckled, eyeing my appearance in the mirror.

"I like the way the outfit hugs your curves. You look good"

"Am I going to ruin this moment for you if I tell you I need to pump before we leave?" I asked and she laughed, shaking her head.

"Of course not! Go be a mom! Where do you pump? Do you want me to wait in the living room or?" She asked and I shrugged.

"I can pump wherever. I just need to grab the parts from the kitchen. I don't know if this would make you uncomfortable.. but I could pump whilst we do my makeup?" I suggested and Alex nodded, grabbing a black and blue bag. "I have a bra that works for pumping so I'm not just whipping out a boob at you" I chuckled, my boobs a little sore now.

"Whatever you want to do, I'm going to clean the brushes real quick" She grabbed a handful of brushes and a sponge, stepping aside so I could exit the bathroom.

When I got back, I sat down and started putting the parts together, having done this so many times I could do it in my sleep now.

"Um.. do you want me to put on a bra? Or cover?" I asked and she didn't pay attention to me, mumbling "Whatever you want" so I just unclipped my bra, connecting the pump, making sure the bottles were tight.

"How do you normally do your makeup?" Alex questioned aloud, drying her brushes.

"Um.. I'm not the best, my brother's actually better than me now" I snickered, "I'm not terrible, but I definitely am not good at like.. late night looks. I'm more of a shimmer and or natural glam type of girl. I haven't properly done my makeup since Before Gemma came. I've done some stuff for New Years and Christmas.. but it wasn't anything impressive. I like your makeup" I noted, looking at her eyeshadow and highlight.

I texted with Aaliyah whilst Alex started working on my face, letting my boobs empty the milk into bottles.

I loved how comfortable I felt with Alex.

It only felt weird for a moment to be openly pumping in front of her, but she didn't make a big deal about it as she moved around my face, putting who knows what on different areas of my skin.

It was nice.

Once we were done, I inspected her work in the mirror, feeling like a whole new woman.

Makeup was magical.

A/N: Makeup look, outfit above, black strappy heels, hair curled and down

"You're a miracle worker" I praised, turning my head a little to catch the highlight against the bathroom mirror.

"Please" She scoffed, cleaning her brushes again whilst I kept tilting my face in the mirror.

"You hid all the redness from my picking" I noted, not seeing an ounce of irritated skin.

"You keep complaining about your acne, it really isn't that bad. Yeah you have acne, but so what" She replied nonchalantly.

"Let me slip that bra back on, grab my shoes and bag, put these in the freezer, and I'm ready"

"You wanted to brush your teeth, we still need to do your lipstick. Do you have to pee?" She asked, glancing over at my water bottle.

"Oh shit. God, this is why I'm always late" I griped out of breath, quickly hurrying to the kitchen to go put the breastmilk in the freezer.

I always heard that when you forgot to do it, that it felt like the worst thing in the world to pour it down the sink.

Thankfully, that hasn't happened to me yet.

I quickly sharpied the date on it, tossing the bags into the freezer before going to find my shoes and toothbrush.

"Leigh, we're not in a rush. Honestly, the later the better. Slow down before you break an ankle" She warned and I rolled my eyes, shoving her out of the bathroom so I could pee and brush my teeth in peace.

By the time we were out the door, I was extremely out of breath.

"Are you going to make it?" She laughed, turning the key in her car.

"No" I breathed out, huffing like I just ran the hardest race of my life.

"I can see that" She giggled.

It was about a 30 minute drive to the club, so we listened to the radio and had some small conversation, but somehow we landed on the topic of Colby.

"I know this is dumb, but I'm really disappointed I didn't get to wear the outfit I planned to his party. It sucks to have missed it. He did so much for me on my birthday.. he literally.." I paused, memories flashing through my head. "He.. he flew out and hung out with my relatives.. he fit in so well. It's like he's always been there.. and it just felt so nice.. and here I am, tearing his heart into pieces right before his, and now I don't even know what he did" I frowned, leaning my head against my hand, my elbow resting on the window console.

"Colby's the guy you were sort of seeing before we met right?" Alex asked and I groaned.

"I wasn't even seeing him. It's messy. We think we like each other, but I'm not ready, and I'm worried that he's in it for the wrong reasons" I confessed.

"Honestly Leighton, it sounds like you could really use this night out. Let's go drink and party and forget about all of our problems. We both look hot as fuck, so let's go find someone to mess around with and have a good time. Forget about this Colby guy, he's a nobody now. Let's go do something we'll regret"

* * * *

What do we think of Alex?

Written on: July 8th, 9th, 10th 2022

Word Count: 3.6k

Part Eight

#colbybrock #colbybrockimagine #colbybrockfanfiction #wattpad #colbybrockwattpad #samgolbach #samandcolby #samandcolbywriting #lesbianimagine #lesbian #pride

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fa1ryphr0g · 3 years

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4/2/21

You walk down through the woods holding my hand. Our dresses blowing in the wind as we walk towards the lake behind our cottage to have our picnic. Our hands clasped together as you lead me there. Your smile more bright than the rays of the sun. I cherish these small moments in my head forever and always.

#cottagecore #fairycore #imagines #lesbian #lesbianimagines #nature #picnic #scenry #scenarios #i miss them #lovely #spring #april

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loriii-exe · 4 years

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What if we laid together in a flower field with kiss swollen lips and our lip gloss all over each other's faces,,,and we're both girls🥺👉👈

#lesbian #lesbianimagines #bigirls #cottagecore #(l)gbt #kissing #lipgloss #i want it

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supergirlimagine · 5 years

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Sticks and Stones pt.2

Red!K Kara x B!Danvers Reader

There was darkness around you and all you feel is Pain. You hear voices, that you can't quite place, but they sound familiar. You slowly open your eyes and start to look around. A Hospital..No the DEO, you’re in the DEO, you realize and your memory slowly sets in. The fight, the Pain, the words that had been said. Your sisters hate you, they hate you and they want you out of their Life, you knew it, you always knew it deep down, that you didn't belong to them. They were Heroes and you’re just, well..You. Your Breathing is getting quicker, the Machines around you are going wild and you just want to get out, want to leave. Now. You try to get up despite your Ribs screaming at you to lay back down and your Lungs burning. Something tugs at your arm as you try to reach to get off the bed, you realize is your IV, which you promptly pull out. Pain shoots through your arm but like everything else, you ignore it. Your feet are just about to hit the ground when strong arms wrap around you from the back, holding you in place. You just now realize that you have been sobbing and hyperventilating. You can barely see, but you’d know these Arms anywhere. “Alex”, You half whisper, half yell. Your voice sounds raspy and broken. It almost feels like you are bleeding from the inside with every word you rasp out. Neverthelss, you continue

“No, Let go! Let me go. I have to leave!”,

You start to protest, weakly trying to escape her embrace. The Blood running down on your arm painting the white sheets and gown in a dark red.

“No..Shh. Shhh Y/N. Its alright. Just lay down. I got you, just Rest.I got you.” She’s half sitting behind you on the Bed now and running her fingers through your Hair. You almost hate her for how calm she sounds, how reasonable. How the whole word could be on fire right now, but with your eldest sisters right next to you, you wouldn't even worry for half a second. You want to hate her for it, or more hate yourself for how dependent you are on her comfort, but you can't help yourself as you slowly sink into her embrace. Letting her voice calm you down until your sobs turn into hiccups.

Just as you look up and try to forget the emotional and physical pain just for a split second, you catch Karas eyes. She standing at the end of your Bed, matching your outfit with a Hospital gown, looking like she wants to reach out to you, but hesitant and with silent Tears streaming down her face. The silence is suffocating and you can't hold her eyes for more than a couple seconds, but it felt like the staring contest of a lifetime. You turn and burry your face in Alex’s shoulder, wishing everything and everyone away.

This isn't real, they dont want you. They hate you. You are a burden and Kara doesn't even want to life with you, you are annoying and useless, you should..

”Y/N. What was that?” Something breaks your train of thoughts, you must have been speaking out loud. Alex eyes are starring back at you, concern marking her features.

“I..”

You cough and try to clear you throat, which is only making the Pain worse. You try and remember why your throat hurts so damn much, when the image of your Alien sister chocking you comes into your mind and you look up to her for a second out of reflex. Your eyes meet hers for the second time, she knows what you just remembered. Its unsure to say who was in more Pain in that exact moment.

You try again

“I said..Im sorry. I-I. Can lea-..”, Kara looks at you panicked, to afraid to speak, but wanting to make you see that you weren't at fault. She can’t find the words and Alex beats her to it.

”No! Sweetie..Y/N. I know there is a lot to talk about, but you have to know that what happened tonight was terrible and I know you are scared and confused. Kara was infected with Red Kryptonite. It made her..Not be herself. She didn't mean what she said. Or meant to do what she did. She’ll tell you that herself.”

Alex looked up to her sister, trying to encouraging her to speak up, but the blonde remained silent, lost for words. She wiped her tears and stepped forward, your eyes were focused on the blonde, wanting to, but not really believing Alex. She reaches out and tries to touch your arm and you cant help but flinch away from her touch, new tears welling up in both of your eyes. Pulling her hand away like she’s been burned and taking a step back, she lays some tissues and a band-aid on the side of your bed. Close enough so you can reach it, far enough so she’s not in your space.

”You...” she clears her throat.

“You are Bleeding, Y/N”, she points at you arm, where you had just ripped out the IV.

Seconds pass.

”I’m so. So sorry.”, she says in a shaking voice before looking at Alex one more time, who begs her with her eyes to stay and talk.

She ignores the silent request and turns around to leave. You feel Alex hug you closer and you look at you arm and over to the bandages. She left you Mickey Mouse Band-aids. You know you were way too old for those, but she always keeps them just for you.

On a family trip to Disneyland you had fallen and cut open your knee while running around with Kara, who had been put in charge of you for the short walk from the Teacup ride to the Bathrooms. It was a short walk, and your Mother had been able to see the two of you the whole way over. For Kara it was the single most important responsibility of her young lifetime. Usually Alex was the one in charge of big girl stuff, but this time it was her and she took that job really serious, just like she’d seen Alex do all the time. Her heart had doubled in size with pride. She had looked your Mother in the eyes with a seriousness in her expression, you had ever seen before. Nodding with determination, when she was told to look after her little sister. You guys had been so caught up in your fun and freedom, that you took a tumble, which resulted in a minor cut with some minor bleeding on your part. Kara had freaked out and picked you up quicker than you had fallen and carried you halfway through the park, trying to remain at an acceptable human pace, to the first aid station. They gave you a Mickey Mouse band-aid for your knee and free ice cream for the Tears. You and Kara had returned to your worried mother, who had only looked away for a split second and an annoyed Teenage Alex, with smiles on your Faces and ice cream in hands. She had been mad that you two went further than she had allowed, but in an even more serious face than she had worn before, your sister had told her, that she had done what was necessary to look after her little sister and make sure she was fine. All while eating away at the ice-cream that was melting down one hand, while the other one was holding yours tight. All you could do was stare at her in wonder, from that point forward you were pretty sure that your sister hung the moon and the stars.

Ever since then Kara had made a point of keeping Mickey Mouse Band-Aids around. Even different themes for different seasons, but she always had them ready for you. If you had a Paper cut or got a small burn from trying and failing to make any type of meal for yourself. Sometimes she would just use them to cheer you up and it always worked. She had always been right there to help you through the pain.

You looked up at the Door where she had just left out of. Never would you have thought, that she one day would be on the giving end of that Pain.

#supergirl x reader #supergirl imagine #supergirl #alex danvers x reader #alex danvers #baby!danvers #red!kara #kara danvers #kara danvers x reader #@wlw-lesbianimagines

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simptonius · 5 years

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imagine:

Lagertha holding your hand under the table at a feast, smiling gently at you.

#lagertha #lagerthaxreader #vikingsimagine #imagine #lagerthaimagine #lothbrook #lesbian #lesbianimagine #fluff #lesbianfluff #vikingsfluff

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writershapeholeonthedoor · 6 years

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Bella Swan x Leah Clearwater Imagine

Can we all imagine Bella and Leah dating before the native girl shifted?

I know I will anyway, so follow me if you’re interested:

They started dating two months after Bella got back to Forks. They knew each other from when they were both kids (Leah was a few years older than Bella so she wasn't a part of the girl plays with Jacob and the other boys), Bella got back to visiting La Push with Charlie or alone to see Jacob and even made a friendship with Seth, so it was impossible for Leah to ignore her; Leah was still heartbroken because of Sam, quite ignoring everybody or being rude to anyone. But Bella was patient (and had a huge crush, it kind of helped her to stay around); It took a lot of arguments, but Bella finally make her agree on a date; Charlie is okay with it (more than okay with it) and Sue is happy to see her daughter smilling again, but Harry hates their relationship. He screamed at Leah when she told him and forbiden Bella to enter his house. He even asked for a prohibition so Bella couldn’t even enter the reservation at all; So that’s why they spent so many time at La Push beach. They can’t go at Leah’s house, since Harry is always there or someone will see them and tell him anywhay. Leah is sad that her father can’t accept her girlfriend, but won’t complain about his requirements since she don’t want to make things worst;

So is time to get a little sad here:

Leah shifts in the big wolf form in the middle of a fight with Harry. He is being a little more homophobic than usual, they are screaming acusations, Sue trying to stop them with her calm voice, Seth in the corner of the room, hands covering his ears. When Harry calls Bella a whore is when Leah loses it;

So there is Leah in the living room, four paws in ground, voices in her head, looking at her father sat in the couch, a hand in his chest, her mother crying, her brother crying. She hears Sam voice “we are getting there, Leah, you need to get out and calm down!” but it cames from her head and she is so confused by it;

Leah leaves the only way she finds how, by jumping the window. It breakes in thousand of pieces;

When she is able to return to her human form, Harry’s funeral is already happening. There is more than thirty calls from Bella in her phone, even five from Charlie, uncontable texts. She is so tired, so scared, so teryfied about all;

Leah saw Sam’s thoughts, felt what he felt when he looked at Emilly, what he always feels when he look at her. It breaks her heart all over again. And then again when he explains it to her. Imprinting. Imprinting has destroyed her life before and was about to ruin her life again;

She is so scared to put Bella trought what she has been trough with Sam that the only way out she see’s to break up with the girl. So that’s what she was going to do after the funeral, so Bella don’t have her heart broken when Leah finds her imprint;

But then a thought goes trough her mind and Leah panics even harder. What if Bella was her imprint? Like, Sam said is was a rare thing to happen (yet it happened to three of them already), and at first she was sure it was a shit thing that would break her heart again for making her break up with her girlfriend, the girl she loved, but now she couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of Bella’s being her imprinting;

So that’s why she ran away from Bella like she had a plague. Leah avoided her at the funeral, refusing to make eye contact with the girl, making sure they were in different corners of the room, using her new senses to get out of the way when the other girl was approaching;

Jacob was the one to warn her. “You’re breaking her heart already. Just talk to her, okay? And look at her. You never know.”;

Not that she would do anything Jacob tells her to, but he has a point. Bella was looking miserable from her constant running away;

So Leah gets all the courage she can and walks towards her after her father was buried. But she still avoids her eyes;

Until Bella graps her chin and forces her to look at her;

Panic;

Shit;

Love;

It was much more intense than feeling it toward Sam’s memories. It was like being drowing in frozen water, the lungs burning from both lack of air and the water that is being swallowed, and then being pulled out, saved from the cruel destiny, put sit in a beautiful and warm place. The devastated feeling becaming a loving one, a warm one, a reasuring one;

Her whole world was the girl in front of her, looking at her like she was going to run away at any time;

So Leah remembers the ignoring stuff (in the back of her mind she tries to imagine how her face must have been when she locked eyes with Bella) and can only pull the girl in her arms;

“I love you, Bella.”

“Oh, Lee... I love you too. So much.”

#twilight #twilight headcanon #lesbiantwilight #imagine #twilight imagine #headcanon #bella swan #leah clearwater #bella x leah #leah x bella #bella swan x leah clearwater #leah clearwater x bella swan #lesbianimagine #gaytwilight

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marril96 · 4 years

Text

Against All Odds

Pairing: Rowena x reader

Summary: A confrontation about Rowena's recent distant behavior leads to revelations of hidden insecurities and a deep-rooted emotional vulnerability

A/N: Based on this prompt by @wlw-lesbianimagines. Huge thanks to @fangirlxwritesx67 for summary help!

Editor: @miss-moon-guardian

"We need to talk."

You said it so firmly, so matter-of-fact that shivers slid down Rowena's spine. Whenever you spoke to her like that, in that tone that turned blood to ice, she knew to expect bad news.

"Okay," she said, though it really wasn't. Something was wrong. She could feel it, could see it on your face; in your eyes that were locked with hers, looking through them, piercing straight into her soul; in the firm line of your mouth, devoid of its usual smile that greeted her; in the arch of your eyebrows, pointed and questioning.

Had she done something? Rowena thought back to this morning, to the days before. She couldn't remember an argument, or even an offhand remark she might have made that you could have taken wrong (which had happened in the past, though she liked to think she was better than that now. She wasn't that heartless woman anymore). She hadn't forgotten any important dates; all were seared into her memory, none on which were today. You'd even cuddled with her this morning while she was reading.

As far as she was aware, things were okay.

"Has something happened?"

Had Sam and Dean called you with news of impending apocalypse — again? Were there monsters lurking in the area? Hunters intent on killing witches? Had you received personal, private bad news? Rowena's mind was going a thousand miles an hour, new scenarios popping in like movie trailers, playing out one after the other, none more pleasant than the rest.

"No," you said, and she let a small wave of relief wash over her. "It's not…" You breathed, deep and hard. Gathered up all your courage. "I wanna talk about us."

Och? "What about us?"

The two of you were fine. Your relationship was far from perfect (which relationship wasn't?), but it was yours, unique and perfect in its imperfect wee way. You cared about each other. Stood by each other through everything, good and bad. Stuck together, hand in hand, against everything the world threw at you.

You told her she was beautiful every single day. Held her as she cried and screamed in the middle of the night, the terrors of that day in May three years back still fresh in her mind. Kissed her good morning and goodnight. Called her cutesy nicknames she rolled her eyes at but secretly loved.

It was a good relationship. The best Rowena had ever had (though, given her history, that wasn't exactly a hard feat).

You hesitated for a moment. Then, reluctantly, "You've been distant lately. For a while now, actually."

"I have?"

"Yeah."

"Surely, you're mistaken."

"Surely, I'm not." Your tone was curt. To the point. No mercy; just the cold, hard truth.

A shiver spilled down Rowena's spine, blood turning to ice. She wasn't distant. Not really. She was just… herself. The way she'd always seen. You'd never complained before. Why was it an issue now?

Okay, so she might have not reciprocated a hug or two, or stood still amidst a kiss. She'd never been the most attentive person, and you knew that. You'd always known that, and hadn't minded it.

What changed? What made today different?

"You don't talk to me anymore," you said, lips quivering. You grit your teeth, steadied yourself.

"Nonsense," Rowena said.

She talked to you. Maybe a little less, but that didn't mean anything. There were things she preferred to keep to herself. Things she was certain you wouldn't — couldn't — understand. There was still so much about her that you didn't know. So many things you couldn't begin to comprehend. Why should she bother you with them? Why should she ruin your days when hers were ruined from the start?

It wasn't like she was ignoring you. She just kept some things to herself. That didn't mean she didn't want to talk to you.

She simply couldn't.

Why couldn't you understand that?

You scoffed at her response. "You've been avoiding me for — I dunno, days? Weeks? I've lost count." It sounded an awful lot like an accusation.

"I have not!" Rowena fired right away, defensive. Angry; at herself for getting into this mess, and at you for pointing it out.

She hadn't been that distant. She hadn't been avoiding you. She had things going on. Things that didn't — that couldn't for she wouldn't allow it — involve you. Why couldn't you understand that? Why did you have to be so hung up over it?

Why did you always have to be so bloody difficult?

You stared at her. It would have been a glare if not for the look of absolute hurt in your eyes. "Don't bullshit me! You keep pulling away from me. We barely even communicate."

"We communicate plenty." It taste like a lie — bitter, sour — before it fully fell from her mouth. She added as you were about to respond, "You know I don't do the touchy-feely thing. You've known that from the start."

She was far from an affectionate person. She loved attention, craved it, reveled in it, but she wasn't big on reciprocating. Physically, yes; she was more than willing to engage in make out sessions and a round of passionate sex. But she wasn't a talker.

There was a time when she shared her feelings openly. When she wore her heart on her sleeve and spilled its secrets freely. Only to end up half dead on a straw mat, with a screaming infant in her arms. Broken. Abandoned. Terrified.

Rowena could feel. She could feel and care and yearn with all her heart. For a long while she thought she couldn't. Then she met you, and things she once considered impossible turned out not to be. She cared about you more than anything, and was more than willing to show it to you in her own ways. It was easy. Caring about you was easy.

Putting it into words, into that one wretched word, though…

She couldn't. Not with everything that had happened, with everything she'd done.

Some things weren't meant to be put into words.

"That's bullshit and you know it!" Tears sprung to your eyes. Slid down your cheeks in bitter rivers. "You're being so cold. I hug you, and it's like you don't even notice. I kiss you and you don't kiss me back. You barely even talk to me!"

"You're being dramatic!" Rowena retorted with a roll of her eyes.

"At least I'm doing something!" you shot back. "At least I'm trying to fix this!"

"Fix what?" Nothing was broken. She'd been a bit silent — so what? There was no need to make a scene out of it. Especially considering you were the one who caused this mess.

"That's what I'm trying to figure out!" You wiped your face with your sleeve. Breathed in and out, deep and hard. "Do you even care?"

"Of course I bloody care!" Rowena exclaimed, offended at the implication. Why couldn't you understand how difficult this was for her? Why did you have to push her?

"Doesn't look like it." It was an accusation in everything but direct words. "It's like you're doing everything except care."

Frustration burned at her, built up like a geyser about to spring free. She threw her arms out, at an absolute loss of appropriate words. "What do you want me to do?"

If feelings were your thing, you were with the wrong person. Rowena didn't do feelings. She had them and hated herself for it, but she didn't do them. Not out loud.

If you hadn't brought them up — if you hadn't said it, the thing that had been haunting her for two weeks now — none of this would have happened. She wouldn't have been, as you'd said so eloquently, cold. She wouldn't have distanced herself — just a tad, but apparently enough for you to notice.

All you had to do was keep it to yourself. All you had to do was not say it. Really, it was you who'd caused all this. You and your big, stupid mouth.

If you wanted to blame someone, you should have looked in the mirror.

"Maybe tell me what's going on," you said. Pleaded, for if your words didn't, your eyes certainly did. "That would be a good start."

"Nothing is going on," Rowena insisted. Liar! her conscience screamed at her. Liar, liar, liar!

If the truth hurt too much, lies were there to make it better. A classic Rowena MacLeod move.

Old habits died hard.

Unfortunately for her, you knew her all too well to buy it. "Right. I'm making it all up."

Your tone stung. The look in your eyes even more so. Rowena looked away; a cowardly move, and your expression said so right away. Guilt ate away at her like acid, burned her up one little bit at the time. She knew she wasn't being fair. You hadn't done it on purpose, hadn't meant to hurt her. It was, in fact, the very opposite.

She was the one with the problem.

Admitting it didn't make it any easier. It didn't make the fear, the insecurity go away. If anything, it made them worse.

"You've been this way ever since—"

Fear shot through her at the memory. Blood froze in her veins, shivers slithering down her spine like bugs crawling underneath her skin. All colour drained from her face, rosy cheeks fading to white, freckles standing out like stars amidst a bleached sea. "Don't," she cut in. A plea she knew would go unanswered for you were mad — rightfully so — and hurt and you wanted answers right here and now, no more nonsense allowed.

You stared at her, taken aback. For a moment she thought — hoped with everything she had — you would drop it. Then, through a trembling mouth, in a voice barely above a whisper, you finished, "—ever since I told you I love you."

That was right. You did. You told her out of the blue, and suddenly Rowena's entire world was turned upside down and she was that lovestruck young woman again, yearning for something that would never come to be. Wishing for things that were out of her reach, foolishly thinking they were to be hers.

She knew better now.

Things were different this time around. She was older. Smarter. More experienced. She knew you to your core. You weren't him; far from it. You weren't going to betray her.

And, strange as it was, that was what terrified her the most.

When you said you loved her, you meant it. You truly, genuinely meant it. There was no deception. No manipulation. No lies packaged to resemble the truth. Just raw honesty straight from your heart, from the very depths of your soul.

It was terrifying.

Pretending to love her was one thing. Having been used and abused and tossed aside like trash for centuries, she was used to it. She was comfortable with it. Loving her for real? The mere thought sent shivers down her spine.

You knew her better than anyone ever had. You knew every secret, every flaw, every nasty thing she'd ever done, some she'd never forgive herself for. How could you love her? How could anyone love a monster — one she'd chosen to turn into, choosing power over her own child? How could you trust her?

"That's it, right?"you said, a touch of bitterness lacing your words. Tears spilled down your face, and Rowena's heart clenched, hating herself for doing that to you. Wishing she were brave enough to take a step forward and make the hurt go away. "You're mad I said it."

"No, darling," she said. Quite the opposite — she was mad at herself.

"What is it, then? We've been together for four years. I've loved you for four and a half."

Ever since you'd met. Since she'd started teaching you the ways of magic, back when she was still that manipulative, cruel creature whose only use for you was power. You knew that, and still, you'd allowed yourself to care about her. You'd allowed yourself to fall in love.

Rowena knew you were catching feelings, but she'd never imagined it went that far. How could you have been so foolish? Didn't you know how dangerous it was to love her back then?

"I figured it was time I said it," you continued. "Maybe I shouldn't have."

No. You shouldn't have. Because saying it made it real. It made her turmoil, her fears, her insecurities real. She couldn't escape them anymore, couldn't pretend they weren't there.

Couldn't pretend her own heart, black and shriveled, wasn't blooming with the same kind of love she'd convinced herself she wasn't capable of.

"If you don't love me, that's fine." Your voice broke as you spoke, lips trembling, tears drenching your face like a bitter downpour. It wasn't fine. Nothing was fine. "I thought maybe things were different now, but it's okay if they're not. I knew you didn't do that sort of thing even before we got together. I don't wanna pressure you or anything. I just… I wanted you to know I love you. I'm not asking you to love me back. You don't owe me anything."

You swallowed back sobs that threatened to break free. Your knees were shaking, barely holding you upright. Your breathing was hitched, uneven. You were close to falling apart, cracked glass holding itself together by its last remnants of strength. One push — one wee shove — and you would topple over the edge.

"You've got this all wrong, Y/N," Rowena made herself utter. "It's not—you haven't done anything wrong."

It was her. She was the one in the wrong. The one who hated herself and cursed herself out every single day. She'd had many lovers in her lifetime; some better, most horrible. She was used to being taken advantage of, to be cheated on and thrown out like a used, outgrown toy.

She wasn't scared of you cheating on her. You'd never so much as looked at another person, let alone made a move. But just because you weren't interested in others didn't mean your interest in her wouldn't wane.

You'd seen her at her worst. You'd seen her cry her eyes out, and scream in terror in the middle of the night. You'd seen her drool on the pillow some mornings. Had seen the stretch marks littering her thighs and the crater-like pimples that adorned her face and back, reminders that, as powerful a witch as she was, she was still human. You had seen her freckles, the sea of them covering her body from head to toe like bronze stars on a pale sky.

You'd seen all of her, all things human about her. Things she, once upon a time, considered ugly, repulsive, that were nothing compared to the real ugliness that rested inside of her.

"It's me," she said — pleaded with you to understand. Tears prickled at her eyes; she held them back, willing herself to remain composed for if she were to fall apart she could never make this right. You deserved that much. "Don't you see how horrible I am? How bloody ugly I am?"

She'd done horrible things. Things she could never make right again, no matter how much regret bit at her. She'd killed. Hurt. Ruined. Took what she wanted. Destroyed what she didn't. She'd made herself hate and, eventually, abandoned her own child. She tore apart lives without a single care in the world in her endless chase of power.

She couldn't come back from that. She could redeem herself all she wanted; her past would still remain as it was. The people she killed would still be dead. Those she'd hurt would still suffer.

Her son would still be dead, and, wherever he was, hating her.

"You never seemed to notice. You've said from the beginning how beautiful I am, and a part of me was starting to believe you." She allowed a bitter chuckle. "But that doesn't change the ugliness inside me. The ugliness that I have when I'm overly jealous or insecure, or when I can't leave the bed and it hurts to breathe."

You were there for her through it all. You held her hand. Rocked her back and forth to soothe her. Kissed her and smiled at her in spite of everything, and she didn't understand that, and it scared her to no end.

"The ugliness when I scream and screech about how you didn't pick up your towel or forgot to wipe down the table. Again."

Little things. Some might call them insignificant, but when it came to Rowena, everything had meaning. She was a difficult person to be with. She was opinionated and picky. She rolled her eyes at the smallest of things, and threw tantrums like a spoilt brat. She pouted and whined and complained about anything and everything in sight.

She may have stopped killing, but she was far from a saint. She was a flawed, petty, evil creature. The kind of person no one liked, and with good reason. The person who hated herself.

"I'm not bothered by you loving me, Y/N." Because — goodness, it hurt to admit it — she loved you, too. So much. Too much. "I'm scared you're going to start seeing me the way I see myself, and you will realize that it's not worth it."

That she, with all her flaws and imperfections, wasn't worth it.

You stared at her as if you'd seen a ghost. Wide eyed. Startled. At a complete and utter loss of words. A moment, two, three passed in silence, uncomfortable, deafening. Then, tentatively, you uttered, "It is. It's all worth it. I don't regret a thing." Though your voice was low, there was conviction in it. Pure and utter determination.

"I've done horrible things."

"I don't care." And you meant it. Your expression, as firm as your tone, said so.

You may not have cared, but Rowena did. It ate her up inside, every horrible thing she'd done. Every heart broken, every innocent life ruined and taken. It was the price of power, she'd told herself as she'd slowly urged herself not to care. As she'd turned her heart to stone, all love and light sucked out one dark deed at a time. Business, for the world was cruel to her so why should she show it mercy?

She couldn't change what she'd done. Couldn't bring the people she'd killed without a shred of mercy back. Couldn't undo the damage she'd inflicted. But she could — would, for there was no magic in the world she would trade those memories for — remember it. She could learn from it, let it guide her to a different, hopefully less destructive future.

She needed to pay for her misdeeds. Remembering them, letting them play out over and over in her mind like a record stuck on repeat, was her punishment. Actions had consequences, and these were hers.

"I've hurt so many people," she said, and, once again, the self-loathing was back with a vengeance. Not that it had ever left; she'd just learned to mask it, to live with it nagging at her.

"I don't care," you repeated. So bloody sure of your words she, for just a moment, hated you, as well.

How could you move past everything? How could you, despite knowing all about her past, defend her? How could you love her?

"You're my girl. Okay? Mine. I don't care what happened before. You're not that person anymore, Rowena." You took a step forward, then, confident it was okay, took another, and another. Your hands grabbed hers, fingers wrapping around them, tight as knots. Loving. Comforting. "You are beautiful. Inside and out. You can't change what you've done, but you can change yourself. And you have, and you have no idea how amazing that is! You've made so much progress."

Maybe so. But still… "What does it matter? Those people are still dead." Tears sparkled in her eyes, and this time she let them spill. "Fergus is still dead!"

He'd died hating her. In his last moments, he was cursing her name, wishing he weren't her son.

Rowena wished for nothing more than to be his mother again. A second chance she would never get. Magic had done so much for her, and could do so much more, but it couldn't change that. She would never get a chance to make it right.

"If he were here, he's be so proud of you," you told her.

"He would hate me." Her voice broke as the words left her mouth, the truth stinging like a well-aimed slap to the face. "I was a horrible mother to him. I was cruel and selfish. I couldn't give him what he deserved." A small pause to compose herself, then, "I can't give you what you deserve, either."

You deserved stability. Happiness. Peace. None of which she could give you. Your life had become a struggle between life and death ever since she entered it.

Yet you still loved her. You'd still found it in you to give her a chance at a time when everyone had written her off as yet another wicked witch. You saw something in her, and you stayed.

Foolish girl, you were, Rowena thought to herself. You'd risked do much, and for what? A witch who'd, at the time you'd met, considered you nothing but an asset. Who was more than willing to leave you behind if things were to go south. Who took years to develop feelings, and eventually come to love you back.

You truly were foolish.

"You've given me so much more," you said. Your eyes found hers, tearful but determined. Honest to the core. "You've made mistakes — so what? No one's perfect. I'm not a saint, either, Rowena."

Maybe so. But you weren't the kind of sinner she was, either. Not even close.

"You and I — we're fucked up, but we're real." You squeezed her hands in emphasis. "Everything else can go to hell. I love you so much."

Rowena flinched at the words so raw, so real. So unbelievable her heart clenched in her chest as if someone had squeezed it, tore into it with razor-sharp claws.

"I've been wanting to say it for years, but it never seemed like the right time," you said. "I guess I was a bit scared I'd, well, scare you off." A bitter chuckle fell from your mouth. "You don't have to love me back. I don't expect anything in return. Just, please, know that I'll always love you, no matter what. Good or bad, I'm in for it all."

Rowena let out a chuckle of her own. "You're a fool."

You shrugged. "Maybe. I just wanna be with you. If that makes me a fool, so be it."

Complete and utter fool. But… "I suppose I'm a fool, too."

Because she cared about you, as well. Because she couldn't imagine her life without you. Because she l—

She brought your linked hands to her mouth and pressed a kiss to your knuckles. A soft, comforting gesture. A wordless promise that this was real, that she was in it as much as you were. That, no matter how bad things got, she would never, ever leave you. She wasn't that person anymore. She wasn't that cold, manipulative, heartless bitch she'd made herself become. You'd helped her see the world in a different light. Showed her that, as much cruelty as there was, there was also kindness, compassion. Good she'd convinced herself was a farce, that was, as it turned out, very, very real.

"I…" Her throat constricted, words stuck behind an impenetrable wall. She sucked in a breath. "Y/N, I…"

Images flashed in her mind. The bright smiling face of a man. Kisses in forest, far away from prying eyes. His hands on her thighs. His mouth by her ear, whispering sweetness that made her knees weak. The promise of life, of a happy, happy future. A straw mat. Blood on her thighs. A screaming, blood-coated infant in her arms. The retreating back of a man, slowly fading until he was nothing but a figure in the distance.

"I love you," she'd said so many centuries ago, so many times.

"I love you, too, my dove" he'd said back. A liar. A fraud.

And now he was gone. He was long gone, hopefully rotting in Hell.

And you… you were here. Unlike him, you did love her. You didn't just say it — you showed it with actions, with kisses and hugs and endless support.

You wouldn't leave her. Wouldn't take advantage of her and throw her out like trash once you were done. You were loyal, and genuine, and kind beyond belief. Kinder than she'd ever deserved.

You weren't him. You would never be him.

You were Y/N. And, as much as it hurt to admit it, even to herself, she loved you.

"I love you, too."

The words tasted strange on her mouth. Her heart pounded loudly, blood whooshing through her veins. Her hands and knees were shaking; she felt like she would lose her balance any moment now, last remnants of strength keeping her — barely — on her feet.

A smile bloomed on your mouth, big and bright and happy. You cupped her cheek; she flinched, frightened, then, slowly, leaned into your touch that was love and comfort all in one.

"It's okay," you said softly. "Don't be scared."

"I'm not—" Och, who was she trying to fool? She was scared. She was terrified for the last time those words left her mouth, she was abandoned as if she were nothing. "Y/N…"

"I know," you said, nodding with understanding. "I know. It's okay. I'm here. I'll always be here. I'll always love you. Like I said, you're my girl. That's forever."

Rowena allowed a smile, a small one. "And you're my wee lass."

"Wee?"

"Aye."

You snorted. "If you say so."

"Mean," she said, feigning offense.

She missed this. The joyful teasing. The light-hearted banter. The intimacy only she and you shared.

She missed you.

She leaned forwards, and her mouth fell on yours, capturing it. You melted into the kiss. It started slow, and then she deepened it, and you were both locked in, high on each other, caught in the wordless promise of safety, of love and devotion and eternity.

Together.

No matter what happened, what kind of hardships befell you, you would have each other. Nothing was ever going to tear you apart. Not death. Not fear. Not centuries-old insecurities.

The two of you, with all your flaws and imperfections, were forever.

Against all odds.

*****

Tags: @werewolfbarbie @oswinthestrange @songofthecagedmoose @apurdyfulmind @getthesalt-sam @metallihca @salembitchtrials @jay-eris @hellsmother @elizabeth-effie @shadowgirl-vsb @rowenaswife @wonderifshelikesroses @xfireandsin @liddell-alien @hotdiggitydammit @lae-lae @darkhumorsblog @angel7376 @cherrypierowena @evil-regal-vampiress @collectorofsecretsandsouls @angel-e-v-a @a-queen-and-her-throne @carryon-doctor-lock @fangirlxwritesx67 @rowenaslilwitch @midnight-lestrange

#rowena #rowena macleod #spn family #spn #supernatural #rowena x reader #my fics #fanfiction #angst #feels

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