me after retaking a photo for snap 500,000 times because it looked disgusting and horrid each time

Spirit animal SQH

vulnerability

my little yuri guys so far

🪱✨food for the worms✨🪱

this just in: uplifting people just by virtue of their assigned gender at birth in the name of feminism found to be transphobic so now we're just gonna shit on those who CHOOSE to be male presenting bc it's a CHOICE right so we can tell them they're inherently inferior right guys??!!

bioessentialism found to be transphobic so we're jumping straight into gender essentialism which is totally cool as long as it's pretending to be feminism!!!!

I know I will be called a boomer but this attitude towards fandom is genuinely depressing to me. What is the point of creating anything if the attitude nowadays is "eh whatever i'll just enjoy the commodified version that has been warped to suit my generic tastes"? What is the point of studying something you like and spreading the love for that something and what it did, if the fandom's attitude towards canon is scoffing at it and seeing it as shackles to break free from?

I feel old already and I'm not even 30. This is just alien to me. Fandom is inherently transformative because you're applying your own interpretations to someone else's work, that's true... but this is just not giving a shit about anything. It's not even reading the Sparknotes of a book.

This post really resonated with me :\

Having one of those weeks where I'm so busy/so consumed by so many things I'm having trouble remembering to talk to people/remembering WHEN I talked to people so posting is gonna be way way way slowed down ( other than Kid Leo update today I mean )

why is it that the sweetest people fall in love with me but I physically can't love them to?

WHY????

Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha

it seems like a lot of the issues you see with pro-endogenics are happening on discord servers and I'm wondering if part of the issue with people not addressing things here is just people here aren't necessarily on the same, or any, servers

I definitely agree misinformation is bad, an issue in many pro-endogenic circles, and needs to be corrected but it seems weird to criticize people on tumblr for not knowing whats going on on discord

Where do you think I'm finding these discords, I do wonder...

These discords are not somehow isolated from the rest of the internet; the people on discord are also people who exist elsewhere on the internet, including on tumblr.

The shit I see on tumblr is worse.

It is widely acknowledged in almost all of the servers I'm in that Tumblr is a cesspool of misinformation and disgusting shit. I could criticize for my entire life about Tumblr, but the issue is, so many things contribute to the misinformation that it's impossible to address them all. At least when addressing Discord servers, I feel like I'm actually addressing people who have some modicum of respect for what I'm saying.

On Tumblr... Well. Let's address some of those issues.

I far more frequently interact with children on Tumblr than I do on Discord, because I can actually curate my spaces so much better on Discord. Children often do not have as much knowledge of things like a severe trauma disorder, of which the research is riddled with medical jargon that many haven't been taught to read properly.

People VAGUEPOST GODDAMN CONSTANTLY. It's so goddamn pointless, it drives me up the wall, and it's the culture. On discord, people at least reply directly to others. Meanwhile, on tumblr, everyone makes their own post about everyone else, leading to completely missing out on context.

The sheer fact that everyone is on anon leads to the most vitriolic bullshit, and because it's anonymous, people fakeclaim traumatic experiences due to anons constantly. The amount of times I've seen people claim the abuse systems have faced from anons was secretly anti-endos trying to make pro-endos look bad... I've seen the other side too, so it's not even a one-sided thing, it's fucking heinous. All because "But they're anonymous!!!" At least on discord, people have to show their fucking faces.

Lack of moderation. I can at least block anons now on Tumblr, but on Discord, if someone says fucked up shit... they get kicked. Like. I don't have to deal with them anymore. On Tumblr, we've got so much block evading that I can barely keep up with my block list. On Discord, block evading leads to the person getting banned and even sometimes blacklisted from other servers I'm in. People actually have each other's backs in servers on discord.

Good lord, that's just a few things. But the fact is, my posts are criticizing the communities, not just on tumblr, but everywhere I experience these things. These things are impacting everywhere!

I'm criticizing people on tumblr for not recognizing that these problems extend beyond tumblr. And given how so many other people on here are talking about twitter half the time, I think that's valid. (Sorry if this came across as aggressive anon, I'm just in a mood tonight I think. None of it is directed at you, I think it's a fair question why I discuss discord so much here)

broooo not my ex making posts abt how hard it is to come to terms with being conventionally attractive while having low self-esteem issues and how wild it is to get compliments randomly on their appearance when they go out and how they're worried that their new transmasc boytoy is only into them bc they're hot -_- i'm tired... meanwhile i'm just seen as a gremlin now that i'm not hyperfem... they truly have the biggest issues in the world lol

also they were like "omg turns out i'm not ace i just needed a bf lol" and i'm like yeah. i know. you've been lusting after male characters for years. you were horny as fuck just not for me bc i didn't transition. you only made moves on me when you were bored, lonely or drunk. i always asked if that was the case and you were like no baby it's just your insecurities i don't need you to transition uwu. for 5 years. my trust issues are thru the roof now yayyyyy /dies

semi-heavy adhd vent tw 🫢🫢

personally of the opinion that the worst thing about adhd is the subtlety. we joke abt how obvious and silly it is but its barely visible 95% of the time.

& u spend your whole life not knowing if the mental struggle you have doing basic shit is what everyone deals with or if something's wrong. even when you KNOW you have adhd and even have it TREATED you STILL don't know if you're having a normal amount of obstacles.

i've been on meds for two years now and i just spent a whole fucking summer semester not sure if i was having adhd burnout or if my meds weren't working or if i was actually just being lazy. i think its all three, but who knows! and now i have a final tomorrow that i have to pass and i dont know if i can because i could barely fucking do any work all semester.

this happens like every year/semester but this one particularly stings cause it was supposed to be really good this time!! lots of free time, one class to worry about, the best nd-friendly note-taking system i've ever used, lots of flexibility, and friends to spend time with. it was even a science class!! chem, not bio, but better than non-science, right? but apparently, the only way i can ever stay motivated and on the ball is if im chained to a super-stressful and merciless schedule. so i have to choose between my long-term success and my mental health!!

i don't envy neurotypicals for the weird fucking ways they operate sometimes but good lord fucking jesus it sounds nice to be able to do things. i feel like a loaded gun with a busted trigger; i have all these amazing ideas and well-thought-out schedules and all the passion and desperation to follow through, but my brain and body just. won't. do it.

No idea what’s going on -

just woke up-

All I know is that the two friends I rlly wanted to hang out with are hanging out with out me but that’s okay -

Uhh gatobob- no idea what’s going on -

Sometimes your just mentally ill and you need to draw yourself hugging a fictional character.