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zebratimw 8 months
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people who write essays or are having a meltdown in reaction to my art, I hope you know you are living so rent free in my brain
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zebratimw 9 months
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I still love you
(song: Still in Love with You by Deeps)
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zebratimw 9 months
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I was wrong, Shizun...
(old vid)
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zebratimw 9 months
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It's a good cause, a great cause even. But I need you to stop.
(old vid)
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zebratimw 9 months
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I still love you (Song: Still in Love with You by Deeps)
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zebratimw 10 months
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For the scum girlies, some more memehuas
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zebratimw 10 months
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#svsss#scum villains self saving system#shang qinghua#how I be feeling these days ahdnfjgkg#I keep stressing about life in general and its seriously bumming me out hajdjg#how nice it would be to not exist#everyday I wake up and do the same things I hate#time hasn't felt real in years and it goes way before covid times#I haven't felt real in most of those years either#Look I'm lucky I'm not like depressed or whatever but frankly this derealization shit is seriously startin to get a little worrying at times#tbf I only really notice it recently so maybe its just a bias#I've been chugging along this way for years all thats changed is my perception of it#but at the same time I really want to do more too#I get I'm a very boring and unreliable person#and I know I just said its my perception of it but like I do genuinely think my social skills my general living just like me mentally ig#I'm kinda deteriorating in my stagnation ig? artistically too but more worrying in my life idbfjg#priorities sorry anyways I also think I do have adhd or something and that rejection thing dhfjgjg I really can't start things anymore#idk I really just feel so clueless in most things now and I'm too scared or too confused or both to start fixing things#like how do I even fix things? what do I even search for in this kind of thing?#Idk I'm just gonna go sleep ig god I'm so tired of everything#I haven't been able to draw I've really lost passion for a lot of things again and everything irritates me#I can't stand my phone sometimes but it's kinda the only thing getting me through it all ha#ngl I wish I were depressed sometimes if only so I'd actually have the balls to do smth but Ik that's just the Metnally Ail part speaking so#chug chug going along#I also have to make wushi before I die. haha#god my life is so empty#what am I even doing#I'm really so tired why can't my life end here already? modern lifespans are too long how am I supposed to keep going on like this?#so pointless and vapid and its just me ? why did it have to be me that was born? couldn't someone else have been here I hate it here so much#I strive for nothing but I have such a long life and so many people to disappoint haha maybe I should go outside more
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zebratimw 11 months
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some oc things I did (except the maid, that's my friend's oc Wu, who I love very much)
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zebratimw 11 months
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a 鉁笍break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 馃拃#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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zebratimw 11 months
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Also not finishing this
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zebratimw 11 months
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Not finishing
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zebratimw 1 year
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Happy 100th post
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zebratimw 1 year
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assortment
#uugg#svsss#mdzs#man I don't wanna tag shdjfkg#all of these excluding jiang cheng I plan to finish some day anyways dhfjkg#altho when is the question... hngg....#also the first one is dhfjgkg bingqiu but like... withthat new geisha skin from idv#its called resilience of bamboo and is a rich green with bamboo and a black n red fan... idk man it just makes me think of them 馃ズ#also I'm djjfjgg stressed rn#I'm making cosplay and I keep making little mistakes that ruin everything shfkgkg#ah.. it's so annoying... I hate all of it... but gotta push through anyways 馃挭#also I got accepted teehee its an open enrollment so I was going in no matter what but its nice to get rhe email after waiting hehe#but also I think my friend is irritated with me so I've been leaving them alone but they also had like a breakdown so#idk how to go about interacting with them rn#cause like on one hand they completely ignored me earlier so clearly they don't wanna talk to me#but on the other hand they were having a rough time and maybe I should've said something anyways#and now its been hours and I'm still stewing on it shdkfkg so like I wanna say something still but now its awkward hfjfkgkh#man... I'm just gonna keep working UAHDKFKG#aiya.. I've been thinking about it before and moreso recently but I really don't make a good friend do I ?#sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of deeper emotion beyond myself cause moments like these make me think about how I always retreat#instead of pushing forward yknow like its awkward and weird but better going than pussyfootin around but ah I feel too awkward#so I just don't so like.. isn't that just me saying to myself I don't really care for my friend ? like even if its awkward for me wouldn't#it be better anyways? I've always been bad with comfort I've lived a very sheltered life so I lack a lot of experience and in a way empathy#so I've always been more on the cowardly and selfish side of things for sure... for a friend one should do better right but I can't seem to#be capable of doing more I just loiter jrjrjt how much is it base personality and how much is just lack of any real experience ? ehh..#well no need to think too hard or else I'll be more useless sbdjgkg at least lets work and be a bad friend than be useless AND a bad friend
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zebratimw 1 year
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I hate you
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zebratimw 1 year
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The entirety of SVSSS--
I may have forgotten to unmute the audio for the tumblr posting on the first upload...
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zebratimw 1 year
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TL;DR of SVSSS
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zebratimw 2 years
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If I chop you up--
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