#just something i wanted to write bc i love projecting my traumas onto other characters
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bi-han and affection
pairing: character study; no pairing
genre: angst; no comfort
warnings: intergenerational trauma, death
hi there! this was just something i wrote in a hurry because i desperately need more bi-han characterization/character studies. also, yall can snatch autistic!bi-han from my cold, dead hands. hope you enjoy!
bi-han is not a conventionally affectionate person.
as far as he recalls, he never was. bi-han doesn't dwell on childhood memories as much as his brothers do - he doesn't see the usefulness of reminiscing, especially on memories he sees as useless. but, as far as he recalls, he's always been distant, even in the beginning of his training.
(bi-han doesn't have any memory from before he began his lin kuei training; his oldest memory is holding a bo and learning how to use it as a weapon by his tutor. he was 7).
he does not enjoy physical contact. he never enjoyed it, even as a kid - being touched without consent is something bi-han despises with a fiery passion. the cryomancy does not aid in that aspect; the warmth of the touch is bothersome and sometimes painful. but it feels uncomfortable in a different way, almost as if his bones ache inside his body once people touch him without consent or warning. it often leads to an angry discussion or someone leaving with a broken nose. kuai liang tends to deal with the situation for him, especially when the perpetrator is an important figure or of interest to the lin kuei. but sometimes his reaction time gets the best of him - and confrontation is inevitable.
at the same time, bi-han is not verbally affectionate. when necessary, bi-han can lecture his students on fighting techniques, on weaponry, on war strategy and philosophy. he has done it before countless times, each time more eloquently than the last - bi-han is an excellent teacher, even though he lacks patience most times. but when it comes to interpersonal relations, bi-han is a complete disaster. surely, he can converse with other clan leaders, can discuss politics and trade deals, can and has secured alliances with other clans ever since he became grandmaster. he looks smooth - but, in private, bi-han falls flat every single time he has to interact with someone. it feels odd and weird and uncomfortable, both for the person and for him. it feels just like being touched, like his bones creak under his muscles once the awkwardness sets in - it feels physically painful.
so he refrains. he refrains from most celebrations or social gatherings, he does not interact with people outside of work or training. he leaves his bedroom in the early morning, works and trains until exhaustion and, once he's satisfied with his productivity, returns to his chambers to bathe, eat and sleep. that is, if he doesn't sleep at his table, in the grandmaster's office - kuai liang finds him unconscious on top of stacks of papers, sleeping over lin kuei documents and mission reports.
(on those nights, either kuai liang or tomas leave him a cup of tea and some food for once he wakes up. bi-han never thanks them for it, but they know he appreciates the care).
even before he became grandmaster, bi-han had the exact same routine: wake up, train, classes, train again, eat, bathe and sleep. his cryomancy interfered severely with his sleep - something about his metabolic rate trying to compensate for the cold, so he feels constantly awake. insomnia has accompanied him for years and the easiest way to sleep is to just exhaust himself enough that he passes out and sleeps until the next morning. it doesn't always work - but it does the trick on most nights. his mother was desperate seeing her son exhaust himself to sleep, but they had no other solution to the issue.
his mother worried about him. she knew bi-han was the most dedicated of all her sons, even though kuai liang and tomas have always been as devoted to the clan as the eldest. but bi-han's obstinate nature worried her. it worried her that bi-han would exhaust himself to the point of death to fulfill his father's demands. the lack of physical contact and verbal communication, even with his own family, terrified her; and realizing how closed off bi-han had and would always be made her worry for his wellbeing even in her last days.
kuai liang and tomas don't talk about it. they know trying to argue with bi-han is futile - and would end badly for both of them. tomas knows bi-han is closed-off because he feels uncomfortable and would rather die than force his brother into an uncomfortable situation. kuai liang still worries and wishes his brother would open up more, even if only with his brothers, but he also knows bi-han is not the type of person to verbalize concerns or issues. his brother is practical and methodical; the type of person to solve the issue before telling anyone about it. so he knows that, if someone were the matter, he would know sooner or later; but his mother's worry rubbed off on him.
bi-han may not be verbally or physically affectionate, but one can clearly tell when he is worried. bi-han cares for very few people in this world and he unconsciously dotes over them a little when worried - which is a lot, considering bi-han does not dote on anyone in normal circumstances. questioning on their welfare and wellbeing is a very clear sign bi-han is worried (at least for his brothers, who are often at the other end of the question). tending for wounds and aiding with training unprompted are also possibilities, while less common. openly admitting worry is the final and rarest event, only reserved for his late mother.
for bi-han, worry and doting are a display of affection. not that he realizes it consciously, since he rarely dwells on the reason why he acts like this with specific people. but ensuring their safety and wellbeing is how he shows people that he cares, even if he can't verbalize it properly. (he doesn't verbalize it at all; bi-han does not do feelings).
bi-han may not be conventionally affectionate - but he worries plenty for the ones he loves. and that is enough, at least for him.
(c) fandomiplier. do not repost.
#autistic bi-han#bc i said so#tomas vrbada#mortal kombat#sub zero#subzero#bi han sub zero#bi han#bi-han mk1#kuai liang#kuai liang mk1#mortal kombat 1#mk1#character study#just something i wanted to write bc i love projecting my traumas onto other characters
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lonely is a man without love
part vi- fault
“someday someone will bring the moon down for you in the shape of their love” - dikshasuman
summary: you, marc, and steven need to get their scales balanced. but marc’s hiding something.
wordcount: 2.6k
warnings: language, violence, past child abuse, wendy being a horrible mother, episode five in general, me projecting my adoption trauma on the reader character
a/n: this one took me a while mainly bc of how personal it gets. i felt like i could use my personal experience to help understand marc’s feelings a bit more, so i hope y’all enjoy! love you all so much 🫶🫶
taglist: @thefictionalgemini @ravenz-hope @undiscl0sed-d3sir3s @iateall-your-cookies @disregardedplant @sunflowers-4 @yellowumbrelllaaaa @bagsy-not-it @local-mr-frog @thescarletredwitch @jupitersmoon167 @creamecafe @stevenknightmarc @theluciansystem @kingtwhiddleston @spider-biter @mxltifxnd0m @sgt-morgan @no-dont-be-suspicious @onzayhe @namorslit @i-cant-write-for-shit @vainillasmil157 @doublevirgogirl @boofy1998 @seninjakitey @khaleesihavilliard
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Marc’s memories are definitely downers.
That’s not to say that yours are much better, between forced hysterectomies and brutal training sequences, but at least you had a few good ones.
Like late-night errand runs with Nat and ‘Lena, or cooking with Wanda. Even the chaotic braiding trains with Thor and Bucky are better than this.
You weave around the dead bodies as you watch past-Marc drag himself to a temple. Inside, he lies on the steps, pressing a gun under his chin.
Before he pulls the trigger, a familiar voice rings out.
“What a waste.”
Past-Marc freezes, calling out in the dark.
“I feel the pain inside of you.” Khonshu makes a few sounds of consideration, clearly theatrical.
The injured man whimpers. “What the hell are you?”
“I am the god Khonshu, in search of a warrior.”
“A warrior,” he chuckles. “Well, good luck with that.” More blood pools from his countless wounds.
The god never falters. “To be my hands, my eyes, my vengeance. To be my final word against the evildoers. To bind your very being to me and eradicate only the worst. Those who deserve it. Do you want death, or do you want life?”
The broken man on the steps sobs.
“I don’t know.”
Your breath stops, and you glance at Marc from the corner of your eye. He’s staring down at his past self, reliving the lowest moment of his life.
“Your mind, I feel it. Fractured. Broken. Most fascinating.”
At Khonshu’s words, you feel something shift. He talks like Dreykov did.
Insulting a person to better control them. Destroy their character. Make them unsure of themself so they lean toward the person who seems to know everything.
Then they would offer a hand.
“You are a worthy candidate to serve me during this time.”
There it is.
“In exchange for your life, do you swear to protect the travelers of the night and bring my vengeance to those who would do them harm?”
On your other side, Steven comes to the same realization that you did.
“That sneaky old vulture,” he mumbles. “He was manipulating you from the start.” You nod.
Marc scoffs. “Yeah, well, he kept us alive.”
“Marc,” you say, gesturing to the scene before you as the god repeats his question. “He was taking advantage of you.”
“Or it was just a way for me to keep being what I’ve always been. A killer.”
The Scales are slowly shifting, barely off-balance. He’s hiding something else.
Past-Marc roses to his knees, Khonshu beside him as the familiar suit wraps his body.
“Are those-“ The sounds of animals reach your ears, and the three of you bolt out the doors and back onto the ship.
“Taweret, what’s going on?” Steven asks.
“Fear is spreading in the upper world,” she says. Comets of light fall from the clouds. “Unbalanced souls are being judged or condemned to the sands before their time. Oh, this is bad. This is evil.”
“Harrow,” Marc gasps as Steven pleads with the goddess.
“You see why we have to go back?” he says.
The hippo frowns. “Even if I could send you back up there, you’d just be returning to a body with a bullet in it. You wouldn’t be able to heal.”
“But how do we free Khonshu if-“
You cut Steven off. “I have an idea. But we need to balance your Scales first.”
All three of them turn to you in confusion.
“What’s your idea?” Taweret asks. You shake your head.
“I’ll need your help. Give us a little more time!”
You sprint inside with the boys on your trail, racing through the hallways.
“Back in the house there was that bedroom that you didn’t want me to go into,” Steven chides Marc. “That’s it. That’s where we’ll go.”
“Just a second,” the other man says. “Just wait a second, just give me a second here, okay? Um, look, we don’t have to go back through it all again. We can just talk. Let’s just talk. Right here, right now. I’ll tell you everything, okay?”
Your chest aches as he grows more desperate.
“I’m just begging you, don’t make us go back there again,” Marc finishes. “It’s not worth it.”
Steven furrows his brows. “Not worth it? Marc, you’re about to lose everything. Do you understand? If we don’t get back, and Harrow succeeds, and all those people die… that’s on your head. It’ll be all your fault.”
You gently hold a hand up as Marc grows more panicked, silencing Steven. The latter casts you an apologetic glance, and you return a small smile. He was doing his best, but you know how to talk a person down.
“Marc, listen. I know whatever is back there is bad. Believe me, I don’t have to see it to know.” You hold up your hands where he can see them before gently resting them on his shoulders. “But we have to go. The other option isn’t any prettier.”
“I can’t do it, I won’t do it,” he whispers.
Breath shaking, you bite back the urge to tug him along. “Please? It’ll be okay. We’ll be right there with you.”
You blink and you’re there.
Marc still hasn’t stopped shaking, and everything about his body language is screaming that he wants to run. To bolt out the door and hide from whatever’s next.
So you take his hand, gently squeezing it as a younger version of him scrambles through the door.
The boy knocks figurines off the desk before throwing himself into the corner, breaths coming rapidly.
Behind Marc, Steven peers out.
“I don’t… this is my room,” he says. “I remember some things, but I don’t remember this.”
You flinch with Marc when hurried knocking comes from the door.
The boy in the corner whimpers.
“It’s not Mom. It’s not my mom,” he repeats to himself. You swallow down the lump in your throat.
“Marc, open this door,” the woman orders. A series of loud, frantic slams follow. “Open this door right now!”
“It’s not my mom.”
The boy's eyes roll back in his head, and you wince at what comes next.
In a British accent, he begins talking about how messy the room is, how he should clean it up. He doesn’t seem to notice the pounding sound of Wendy at the door.
“Better sort it out before Mum sees it,” Steven and his younger self say together.
The older man reads a poster in the corner of the room.
“When danger is near, Steven Grant has no fear.” The pain in his eyes is apparent when he turns to Marc. “You made me up.”
You’d thought the name sounded familiar. Turns out there had been an Indiana Jones-style series about Steve. Steven Grant Rogers. The name had rung a bell because the team had watched it on his birthday as a joke.
The door flies open. The clearly drunk woman grabs a belt from a hook, and your stomach drops.
“You’re gonna learn to listen,” she spits. You don’t have it in you to keep watching when she starts the assault.
“Why do you have to make me do this? You disgusting creature.”
You and Marc guide Steven out of the room as he tries to fully understand what happened.
“I wanna see what she did,” he grunts, fighting Marc’s grip.
The latter sighs. “You do not need to see that. You’re not meant to see that, that’s the whole point of you.”
The punch that Steven throws hurts Marc more mentally than physically.
“The point of me?” he asks. “What? To be your stress ball? All this time, I thought I was the original. But I’m just something that you made up.”
“You’ve got to live a happy, simple, normal life. You understand?” You stand to the side as they argue, hoping that this evens the Scales.
“But it was all a lie, wasn’t it?”
“So what? What does it matter? What, you wanna remember the truth? That you had a mother that beats you? That hated you? That made your life a living hell?”
“You’re lying, you’re just trying to upset me.”
“You’ve gotten to live thinking that she loved you. That she was kind. That she’s still alive!”
You know whatever is said next won’t do you any good, so you reach for the nearest handle and slip inside.
Thankfully, the memory isn’t yours. But it seems to be exactly what Marc was talking about.
He’s standing outside of his old apartment building, wearing a yarmulke and holding a flask.
You watch as he mutters to himself, pacing and absentmindedly taking swigs of what you can now smell to be whisky.
“God, why am I even here?” he whispers. “I don’t owe her this. I don’t owe her shit.” The immediate regret on his face tells you more. “But she’s my mom,” he says, softer, sadder.
Marc treads this line for a while, rapidly oscillating between loathing the monster of a woman whose shiva is right inside and missing the mother he had before his brother’s accident. He’s like a metronome, ticking so fast you’re afraid he’ll break.
In the window, his father beckons him in. All he can manage is a solemn shake of the head.
Slowly walking away, you follow behind him. You’re not surprised when you see present Marc and Steven waiting further down the road.
Past-Marc continues to mumble to himself until he breaks down crying, falling to his knees and yanking the yarmulke off his head. He hits it to the ground a few times before the same regret from before returns. He cradles it, apologizing until all of the pain becomes too much to bear.
His eyes roll back, almost painfully so, and when he refocuses, Steven is in his place.
“What?” he yelps loudly. “Where am I?”
Your heart shatters as you watch him “call” his mother, and speak to her as he stumbles down the street, not knowing he’s walking away from her very shiva.
Finally, Marc speaks.
“This is it. Mom’s death and shiva two months ago. This is when our lives started bleeding into each other.”
He takes a deep breath.
“I just couldn’t… I couldn’t face that again. All the things I’d done…”
Steven, more determined than ever, turns to Marc.
“Marc, all those horrible things that she said to you, she was wrong. It wasn’t your fault.” The conviction in his tone makes pride well in your chest. He’s sure, without a hint of doubt.
Marc huffs. “I shouldn’t have brought him in that cave, I shouldn’t have brought him in the cave.”
“Hey. You were just a child. It wasn’t your fault,” Steven says. The softness of his words draws you in.
Marc finally nods, hugging him. But you can tell he still has lingering doubts.
“Marc, she was wrong,” you begin. “I understand how you feel, but nothing she said was true.”
Through the sea of emotions, Marc furrows his brows.
“What do you mean, ‘you understand’?” he asks. “I… I thought you didn’t know your mom.”
The words hold the tiniest bit of bitterness and doubt, but you ignore it, searching for the right thing to say without exposing your innermost hurt.
When you can’t find anything, you resolve to being completely honest. No better time to get a weight off your chest than when the fate of the world is at hand, right?
“… I don’t know her. But that’s what I mean,” you begin. “Some girls in the Red Room are stolen from their families, but so many more are abandoned. That was me.”
“You hear these stories all the time about mothers doing incredible feats for their children. Lifting cars off them, crossing war zones, hell, killing for them. And… I wasn’t even worth keeping around.”
Marc and Steven watch the way your lip trembles, how your eyes grow glassy.
“It fucks with your head. It makes you feel like something is innately wrong with you. That it’s your fault that you never received the love you want.”
You turn to both of them.
“But it’s not. It’s not your fault and it’s not mine.”
In an instant, Marc falls into your arms and holds you tight, so close, you think you feel your back pop. Steven joins in, resting his head on Marc’s shoulder.
“Сейчас все в порядке [Everything’s okay now],” you whisper. “Все в порядке, и я люблю вас обоих очень, очень сильно [It’s okay, and I love you both so, so much].”
Steven quirks an eyebrow. “What was that?”
You gesture down the street like you hadn’t just confessed. “We need to get moving. We don’t have much time left.”
All three of you run down the street, the boat reappearing in your vision.
“Taweret, what’s happening?” Steven asks.
“I’ve never seen the gates to the world above so close,” she huffs.
Marc stands next to you. “How do we open them?”
You freeze at the sad look in her eye. “I’m so sorry. Your Scales never balanced.” She turns to the three of you. “Our journey’s come to an end. I cannot stop the inevitable.”
“I was really rooting for you guys, but the unbalanced souls of the Duat must now claim yours.”
A surge of energy rushes through you. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s knowing that Wanda will kick your ass if you stay dead, but you spring into action.
“Thanos said he was inevitable too, and look where it got him,” you joke. “Listen. Taweret, if you let me temporarily become your avatar, and I return to the living world, you could heal me, correct?”
She nods. “…Yes, I’d be bending the rules a bit far from childbirth, but I could.”
“Send me back,” you plead. Turning to the boys, you glance to the sands. “Hold the souls back, and I’ll get Khonshu freed.”
Steven steps close first, looking like he has something to say but not really sure how to go about it. You know what he’s doing before he even starts talking. What you’ve been waiting for.
“Uhm, before you go, I- Well, we, kind of want to…” He blushes, stammering. With a smile, you gently pull him in.
His lips are unfairly soft. That’s the first thing you notice. He’s unsure and warm and holds you gently. Not like you’ll break, but like you’re more valuable than anything in that tomb.
“Yeah, that,” he says when you part.
Your grin makes his stomach flip, and you shoot a sidelong glance to Marc.
“Well? Gonna give me a kiss for good luck?”
This time, it’s him that tugs you in, and the difference couldn’t be more clear. The kiss is almost desperate; you can feel how long he’s been waiting in the way he pulls you ever closer with a hand on the back of your head.
The one thing both of them have in common is that they both leave you dizzy and wanting more, but there’s no time for that.
“Go,” Taweret urges. “I’ll heal you when you wake up.”
Steven brushes off the fluttery feeling and nods. “Free Khonshu-“
“-Then we’ll kick Harrow’s ass,” Marc finishes.
You smirk, face still flushed, and salute the boys.
“Copy that. Good luck.”
The souls of the dead start climbing onto the boat as you shoot your grappling hook onto the mast of the ship, taking a running start as you swing from the deck.
You circle around once before releasing the hook, hitting the sand and rolling into a crouch. Brushing off the grains, you walk towards the glowing gate.
The massive doors open as you approach, spilling golden light. You disappear in the haze.
And you don’t look in time to see Steven fall from the boat.
#marvel#marvel x reader#x reader#avengers#moon knight x fem!reader#moon knight system#moon knight x reader#marc spector moon knight#steven grant moon knight#moon knight tv#moon knight#moon boys#marc spector#marc spector x reader#marc spector x fem!reader#steven grant#steven grant x you#steven grant x fem!reader#steven grant x reader
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coming back to the voltron renaissance in 2023 made me think about the old fandom and the new fandom, and how they never changed.
mostly the hate for sheith and the fanon interpretations of the paladins. i was a sheith shipper and i still love them so much. but back then and even now, people will label those who like sheith, no matter who they are, "p*dos", "incest shippers", or simply "proshippers". this issue has been talked about in the past, but i still see it in the voltron fandoms renaissance, so i just wanted to put my two cents about this issue.
since the hate was born from the fanon interpretations i will start there (please keep in mind that these are my opinions and im writing about the things ive seen personally, back then and even now):
i will start with lance actually. lance in canon is the flirty, happy, jokester, or as pidge said "the goofball". he flirts with women sometimes, makes jokes, but overall he is a capable paladin, and he is great at longe range weapons. he has his own set of insecurities and has expressed homesickness in the show when they were still in space. his insecurities came from thinking what he brings to the team isnt enough. this isnt a rant about the show itself (mostly) so i wont be talking about his missed potential here, many lance lovers already did that. now in his fanon version ive seen, especially back then, his insecurities and homesickness was turned up to a 100. he had depression, and hid it behind a happy facade. this isnt my problem with the fanon character. i completely understand projecting onto a character ypu relate to, i do it all the time. my issue, in a lot of fandoms not just voltron, is that sometimes people bash other characters or make them unnecessarily mean just to angst another character. i personally hate character bashing with a passion. it honestly makes me a little mad sometimes, because the character is the exact opposite of what the fandom portrays them as. im not trying to generalize the entire fandom, but i see this a lot in almost every fandom. its usually only a single character that gets bashed too. when i look at something for the character from a show/book/etc i want the actual character, preferably with hcs i find cool, not oc content made out of them. i like oc content separately thats another thing, but making characters into what theyre not defeats the purpose of liking them in the first place. thats what i almost always saw with "langst". unnecessary character bashing, mostly keith, almost always keith. was the team mean to him sometimes? yes! but lance wasnt the defenseless victim in any way, he retaliated. thats the whole point of his own "rivalry" with keith. to push each others buttons. i love when people make hcs for characters even if i dont like them, but not when it erases another character entire personality or watering it down. that was my issue with fanon lance. he wasnt hated by the team. do i have hcs that dont align with canon at all? yes yes i do!!! thats okay!! but i try to keep their personalities the same.
next up shiro, my sweet winter child. shiro is the "hero", always willing to do whats good for the majority. hes the leader, the champion of the empire, hes calm when he needs to be, but hes also playful sometimes, and adventurous, and (from the pre-kerb flashbacks) even a little bit of an adrenaline junkie probably. most importantly, hes young. not a teen young, but a young-adult. his trauma made him seem more "mature" and "responsible", and yes while he is responsible, he is nowhere near parental kinda responsibility. his fanon interpretation make him a father figure to all, tired™️, wants to die, single father to 4 children, etc etc. personally, i dont see it. hes at most an older brother figure to the garrison trio. also he is keiths best friend. not parental figure but best friend. he is maybe the dad friend of the group and thats a maybe. because of the “father figure” hc, a lot of people hated on sheith bc “ew dude thats his dad/brother”. this kinda thing is not exclusive to the vld fandom either, because genshin has this issue too. i wont be talking about it in depth but another ship i like, zhongxiao, is hated because of the very popular “father/son” hc that is not canon. fandoms need to learn that just because a hc is really popular doesnt mean it is actually canon. the fanon shiro has the feel of a middle aged dad, when in reality hes barely in his mid twenties. he makes stupid laser sounds, jumps off of cliffs in a hover bike, and goes on rides past curfew with keith. he was the youngest pilot to ever go to the edge of the solar system, it was literally said in the show. he was most likely 21-23 pre-kerb and 25 in s1. people forget that yes shiro aged a bit in space but so did the others. also he was dead for like 3 season so i dont think he aged that much then. he died when he was 25-26, i really dont think people age when they die but thats just me idk. if you age shiro up while keeping the other paladins in the 16-18 range thats weird, and if you attack people because of that thats weirder. his responsible nature probably was caused by his trauma when he was the champion. he had to mature to survive.
now, onto my specialest boy, my babygirl, my universe, keith. i will admit that i have a bias when it comes to him, but its probably not what youre thinking. first things first, ill say this again in another post too, i hc keith as strictly mlm, meaning i dont like any pairings with him that involve a female character, especially acxa (bc shes my gf). this does NOT mean that i will harass people who like it. it just means i will block you if you reblog or like posts with it, because thats what youre supposed to do if you see something you dont like. this was just a heads up just in case. back to the actual rant. keiths canon character is that he has trouble trusting people, but hes still kind, thoughtful, and sometimes playful too. like in s1 where he was having fun with the team. he has a edgy exterior, likely because he wants to drive people away before they can reject him. he has trouble understanding social cues and such, he is fiercely loyal and protective of his loved one(s). his fanon interpretation watered him down to "edgy teen", or sometimes an asshole. he was seen as emo and angsty, friends are for the weak, and "shiros emo son/brother". they took away the times he has shown vulnerability and kindness. when he put others no matter what above him during survival. he is not someone that would be mean for absolutely no reason, his rivalry with lance was mostly one-sided because lance initiated and he retaliated. his inability to understand social cues was most likely due to a) growing up in the foster system b) people not making an effort to know him, like shiro did, and shrugging him off as the emo loner kid and c) his year alone in the desert after his expulsion. some people made him up to be an asshole, or just plain stupid (lance sometimes got the "dumb one" treatment from the show but ive never seen it in the fandom, feel free to correct me). he was seen as edgy and emo for acting the way he did in s3 after shiro disappeared and before they found him. the treatment keith got, from both the show and the fandom, was so so bad. especially when it came to his trauma, grief, and his self-sacrificing tendencies. after shiro disappeared post-s2 keith lashed out, he was tense, from losing shiro AGAIN. there are, as we all know, 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. he had just gotten shiro back after everyone told him he was dead and then he lost him yet again, this time with no logical explanation as to why or how. he just disappeared, seemingly into thin air. there was no logical explanation, he couldnt linger in denial like before, because there was nothing to deny. shiro was gone. the others didnt understand, because they werent as close to shiro as keith was. he was their leader, their role model, their friend, sure but he was keiths best friend. the one person that didnt give up on keith even when everyone else did. their attempt at comfort fell flat, because they didnt understand what keith was going through, except for maybe pidge. keith didnt "get over it" at all, and it showed. it showed in his leadership, when he kept going after lotor, even if they kept getting their asses handed to them. i could make a separate long rant about hoe keith mental well being was always shrugged off, his sacrifices. another instance, was naxela, or however you spell it idk. keith almost sacrificed himself, almost died, to save everyone else. he was so so close to doing it that if lotor was even a second late he wouldve died. and no one acknowledged that, not even an "are you okay" from matt, who begged him not to do it. hell, shiro(kuron) even congratulated him for taking the shield down and saving them. imagine how fucked up it wouldve been if keith succeeded. keith self-sacrifices are never brought up, never acknowledged. the cartoon excuse wont work because the show did cover heavy topics at times. keiths inability to see himself as invaluable and important was further encouraged by the "mission before the individual" mindset. im about to lose my point and start ranting about keith.
now, sheith;
no sheith isnt incest. they arent and never was actual brothers (adopted or otherwise). the "youre my brother" line is what people always refer to in an arguement, but that isnt evidence. bc in s2 keith said "youre like a brother to me". "oh they have a brotherly relationship you cant ship them-" yes i can. yes i absolutely can. that arguement is literally just "smh cant two people be friends". because they are best friends first. and it was always keith saying those things, never shiro so i can make the arguement that if they had a brotherly relationship it was one sided. in the black paladins episode (still my favorite along the the bom) the clone didnt have a reaction to the "youre my brother" line, he specifically had a reaction to "i love you". there was a pause between those two lines, so i can make the argument that keith thought shiro only saw him as a brother, but when that didnt work, he confessed. but even without my own argument, they still are never brothers, otherwise they wouldnt have put a direct paralel between shiros ex-boyfriend and keith.
no sheith isnt a p*edo ship. keith in s1 was 18, and that wasnt even confirmed after a while. shiro was 25. in s6 keith was 21 and shiro, being dead, was most likely still 25. most people, like me, who shipped sheith started shipping them in s1, because it was clear they had a positive history. keiths first word was "shiro?" in the softest most vulnerable voice ever. shiro always showed concern for keith, the way the looked at each other was enough for people to like them as a ship. their wiki has an incredible amount of moments between them that can be interpreted as romantic. the ages were never an issue, if they were they wouldnt have said that they could be interpreted as romantic. even with the pre-kerb argument, because the ages arent confirmed, it never was.
this point is for shunk, shance, etc too. but bc sheith was and still is public enemy no1, i talk about them. sheith was popular, and at the time any ship with keith and lance that wasnt klance was hated by them, but sheith especially so. the fandom calmed down for a bit and now its back, i think, from what i saw. but the sheith argument is still going on. i got back into vld because of a keith edit i saw on tiktok, i wont lie. but the not so surprising thing was that sheith is still public enemy no1. you cant go one second without someone hating sheith and making fun of the shippers. its a "proship" apparently. hell my favorite keith editor literally has "shaladins dni". the hate for sheith specifically is still so strong. and its exhausting, i dont like people calling me a proshipper simply for liking a fictional ship that is in no way a proship.
i sat down for like probably an hour writing this just to get my thoughts out. i have been thinking about this for so long, even if this doesnt make sense or its stupid i really dont care. maybe tomorrow ill hate it, maybe ill delete it even who knows. im really glad that there are places where sheith is no longer shot on sight.
#sheith#voltron#rant post#really long post#this is just me ranting#feel free to ignore or tell me im wrong#im gonna be back to posting deranged posts after this dw dw
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NaNo is around the corner and I'm getting ready for Yet Another Keinatsu Longfic, so just dumping my thoughts here bc it's Friday and slow at work and it's been a while since I've done this. (Massive spoilers under the cut)
So in the game, it's mentioned that Project Ark is meant to prepare the 15 compatibles for life in the real world. The first 18 years are spent living in their assigned Sector within the simulation. The last 2 years are spent in a training session for final preparations. Due to the fuckery that happens in the game, the simulation is reset every 16 years after the Deimos invasion. Insert the events of the game here, where they finally break the cycle and free themselves.
However.
What if there were no Deimos, no Sentinels? What if everything ran its intended course? What if these poor kids were living their normal lives and wake up elsewhere and discover the truth? What would this two-year training program look like? What would be different in this AU, where everyone grew up in their assigned Sector?
Well, that's more or less this fic in a nutshell.
To literally no one's surprise, this is yet another keinatsu fic. It's very similar to WLYH in that it's got a bunch of angst and trauma recovery (all the more reason to lean into that comfort after all the hurt), but... it should be more light-hearted in comparison? Hopefully? It's hard to tell, because the abrupt shift of everyday life to "oh hey that was all a lie and now you need to get ready for the actual real world as humanity's only survivors" is... A Lot. And I don't think that's something anyone, let alone these kids, can digest in a single day, never mind two years.
Natsuno will be the main POV character, a) because I don't feel I write from her perspective enough, b) she's super fun to write, and c) I think out of everyone involved, she'd be the most excited about this reveal. She's actually living her sci-fi dreams! Why wouldn't she love that?! I'd also need to take into consideration a) what she did the extra two years in the simulation and b) the fact she didn't really have anyone else growing up, especially after Yuki moved. I looked up the rates at which high school students moved onto university in Japan each decade and for women in the 1980s it was stupid low. Like 15% ish, or so my research is telling me. So that plus Natsuno being Natsuno, I don't think she ever thought about higher education. Maybe she struggled with holding a day job. Maybe her parents pressured her into dating and finding a good man to settle down with and start a family with. All very Not Natsuno things. No shit she'd be happy to escape that and live this sci-fi dream come true.
But then on the flip side, there's Keitaro.
It guts me apart to think about how his 2188 iteration was aware of how long the simulation would run and being okay with his clone living through not just WWII, but everything pertaining to the atomic bombs and then the aftermath of losing the war. As much as I want to put Keitaro in a bubble and save him from this mess, if I'm sticking to this concept, I need to drag him through this hell. God, this is probably going to be the toughest part for me to write - this poor shell of a young man who has seen too fucking much. Which, again, is a big reason why the story will be from Natsuno's POV, because for the first half of the story, she doesn't know what he went through. She just thinks he's being quiet because he's shy, because maybe he's nervous or misses his home, because maybe he's like her and struggled to fit in due to being a weird nerd, so all the better to try and befriend him! 🫠
But overall, it's a very slice-of-life coming-of-age story that will probably read like a weird college AU. I just want to explore the worldbuilding possibilities along with what their relationship might look like in those circumstances. I really love their reincarnated soulmate vibes of always finding each other and always falling for one another. And despite the angst and trauma (yet again lolsob), I'm really excited to write about them meeting for the first time, learning about each other, and very slowly falling in love.
And according to my tracker and based on the current outline, the word count range is anywhere between 60k to uh.... 280k 🥲 it's a good thing I love these sweeties
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1, 7 and 17 for the ask game!!! (Only the two first if its too much but im very very curious of your answers!!)
YESSS CRYS THESE ARE SUCH GOOD QUESTIONS!! OK OK OK
i basically started writing fanfic when i was very young, but it would basically be me in my friends at the time's dms helping them write and giving ideas. i was in the star wars fandom and i was probably eleven or so. it predated hamilton (which i found hamilton through star wars teehee so full circle moment there) BUT y'all prob want to hear about why i started writing for hamilton. i always wrote little fics just for me without posting bc when i'm obsessed with something, it's all consuming (like i'm almost positive i'm on a spectrum, but i won't self-diagnose. even if i'm almost finished with my psych degree and i'm nearly certain.) i literally started creating my own little worlds with the characters i love to self-soothe, because i needed more content, and for entertainment. then i slowly began to project trauma onto my stories and BOOM here we are. i posted because i wanted to share and finally be a part of the community instead of just lurking in the background without an account and not interacting, so i put myself out there. which i'm so glad i did bc i genuinely love y'all and i wouldn't trade any of it for anything.
7. listen... LISTEN... i'm not sure if there's really a balance (given that i'm so behind on every fic) but school, work, and pursuing theatre is very time consuming things. like i'm barely even in my house anymore. HOWEVER, once i finish all my responsibilities, i start writing from then until i'm so tired i can't keep my eyes open anymore. (sleep is for the weak). whenever i get small breaks, i brainstorm and jot down my ideas or phrases. it helps that i find writing relaxing and it's something i love to do. i don't think i would be able to squeeze it in if i didn't adore it and this community so much. but i think it's the passion that helps me keep up with the demands of it. this is probably a good way to get burn out and unhealthy, but so far i'm doin' it, and at the moment i'm the happiest i've ever been :)))
SOMETIMES THO i choose to write instead of hanging out with friends and doing other stuff like that (not this past week. the girlies were OUT.) i know it's just fanfic, but sometimes if you want to do something, you have to choose it over everything else.
17. the best writing advice i've ever been given is to write what you want to see courtesy of mr. miranda himself. i think he said something along the lines of "if you see a piece of media, and you're immediately thinking of what you would have added or done differently, you need to get to writing." like creating media curated to me and only me has not only made writing so much more fun, but it's also helped me find people with the same tastes as me, and has helped me make some very close friends. i don't feel bad when a fic flops in the kudos/comments fields bc i know i liked the fic even if no one else did. i'm putting the fics out into the world that i would love to read myself.
#ask games#TEHEE THESE SOUND VERY DRAMATIC WHEN YOU CONSIDER I'M JUST A HAMILTON/JCS FIC WRITER BUT THEY ARE THE TRUTH#i take my career as fandom mother very seriously :)))
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its oversharing hour on tumblr. cr3 spoilers below but im not tagging this bc i dont want it in the main tags. (again, really oversharing on this one, don’t reblog obvi haha, but feel free to comment or whatever)
god i have so many thoughts. too many thoughts. i think most people know that I am a laudna stan + have def done my fair share of projecting onto her w/ mental illness (schizophrenia and a little bit o ptsd). Like as part of schizophrenia, I experience cotards- for me specifically I often have both delusions and hallucinations surrounding my body rotting, or about me being undead- this was something that started in my second psychotic episode ~ 2020. I connect with undead characters, especially ones who show any sign of goodness, because I often perceive myself as being literally undead. Seeing an undead character in my favorite show- especially after seeing Sylvanas Windrunner being utterly fucked over and villainized wrongfully- was such a comforting thing for me inherently. Like Laudna was a source of hope for me- shes undead, shes weird, people might judge her for being weird or monstrous, but shes loved so deeply. Like it was a reassurance that people like me could be good and kind and be loved and have friends. That there really was hope for traumatized corpse people after all (again, keep in mind, that the last traumatized corpse person I connected with ended up having the writing team say no actually, shes evil for being a traumatized corpse, and deserves to take her own life and go to hell).
My energy rn is not letting me word things how I want to, but I can’t stress enough how important it was to see an undead who had severe trauma and heard voices in her head and was weird and off putting to most people who didn’t try to get to know her. To see her unashamedly love weird morbid creepy shit and see her embrace at least some of her weirdness. And to then see her be genuinely, deeply loved (esp by another woman. hashtag lesbianism or whatever), and be appreciated for being who she is, not despite of it. Like idk maybe its the trauma / abandonment trauma in me showing, but seeing Imogen go back to her, seeing others be unafraid to share a bed with her, seeing others show concern about HER rather than fear of her when Delilah shit happened. Like the amount of times I’ve opened up about my voices- not even bad things they say, but just having them to be met with ‘are you like... homicidal? like are you going to hurt me?’ or the gem of ‘yeah I care about you but idk if I can trust you now that I know that. You will never be allowed around my future kids if I’m not there, because you’re dangerous. Like thank you for sharing but I’m going to go now and think about it before you hurt me or something’. Like its such a low bar but shes honestly the only character I can even think of or name that wasn’t villainized or hated or otherwise had the narrative imply their life was meaningless / wrong / they where better of dead just for being like me. Like I know this may not connect with many others but its so alienating and isolating to see other people like you demonized again and again and again in fiction and seeing the same message of ‘the death of people like you is worth celebrating’ all over the place. I can’t possible put into words how meaningful it is to have even on character break that mold. To hear /anyone/ much less one of my fave actresses on my fave show (which-has been my favorite since long before I experienced cotards to clarify) that being like this and just being alive and trying to love others regardless was worth celebration. That there is hope and love waiting in the future.
I think thats why her death is hitting me so hard. I just want to see ONE character like me make it to their happy ending. Just one to say that my life doesn’t have to be a tragedy.
And I think thats why people are pissing me off SO BAD by insisting she will come back alive / not undead, that it would so cool and fun to see all of that erased. I don’t want that to be erased. Its utter total bullshit to say it would be more interesting or more impactful to see her ‘properly’ alive and not have voices anymore and forget her loved ones and how much they love her. I want her back as she was. I don’t care if others think shes broken or gross or that she should get to be alive again or whatever. She’s been alive this whole time. She’s had a soul this whole time. There’s nothing fucking wrong with her, stop trying to fix her or uno reverse her being different. It was already interesting and meaningful that she WAS different and that it wont go away and that that’s fucking ok and doesn’t make her worthless or bad or unlovable. Shut the fuck up please.
#suicide tw#(mentioned in relation to a different character from a different fandom. its complicated lmao)#(not graphic but does touch on suicide happening)#having a rough one on tumblr dot com rn lmao#I may or may not have ugly cried the whole time I wrote this#my post
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🎼, 🔮, 🫂 for Combeferre and/or Feuilly, please!
i will do all for both bc i love them <3 if something doesnt make sense i am sorry i just got home from work and took melatonin and im so sleepytired rn
combeferre:
🎼 - he's a major key. i think combeferre would be e major, specifically because of its chords. i think it might sound like a basic scale at first but its chords are just so... hopeful. i think combeferre is like that. he isn't just another member of les amis, i think his hope for the future and his support of the revolution despite preferring peaceful tactics is really smthn. e major chords kinda hit like that. idk what im talking about, anyway i think he'd be a string instrument. aint no way this fool isn't a bass. he's a bass. if he was a woodwind brass he'd be a tuba. but if he were to play something, i think it would be a trumpet bc he kind of gives off band geek (affectionate). i dont think combeferre would be in a school orchestra
🔮 - i feel like it's too easy to assign him to be either a cleric or a wizard, but i also feel like that's just something combeferre would like. i can also see him being a druid. believe it or not i dont think combeferre would be a dungeon master, i think he prefers to play the game then tell the story. i also think he wants to be something "cooler" at times but is too scared to make a new character that isn't just magic-based because he thinks his friends might judge him for it or make a weird remark. so he likes wizards and clerics, but he's thinking about making a ranger or a paladin character !
🫂 - combeferre is close with both his mom and his sister but once again, with my own hc of their family configuration i imagine him to be very sullen and angry and closed off after losing his dad. he acts out a lot in frustration and grief and it caused a ton of him yelling and slamming doors at his mother, and then ignoring his sister. he calms down after a few years, though, and now the three of them are very close. i imagine him and his sister to write each other quite frequently in canon era- they're both very smart individuals and look forward to each other's letters. it makes their days when they see that they have mail
feuilly:
🎼 - i think as a scale he would be c-minor. he's close to that c-major sound, that happy and typical sound. feuilly is close to being like some of the other members of les amis, but he misses a lot of happy attributes that the others might have due to growing up in vastly different circumstances. his chords are still pretty, but there's something sad behind them. as an instrument i see feuilly being woodwind. i think he could be a brass instrument, like a trombone or a french horn. however i think he'd play the viola as a musician
🔮 - i think he's a ranger at heart. he sometimes plays monk and barbarian, but he's a ranger. all of his characters are sort of the same angsty background with trauma because feuilly definitely doesn't project onto his little guys. but he's definitely a fighter, so he mostly plays as a ranger. when he's feeling more weak irl he plays barbarian bc it makes him feel a little more capable of doing hard things
🫂 - ......well- okay. in canon era? i dont think he has any family, or anyone he remembers. but there was this older woman in the village he grew up wandering around in who would sometimes leave little pieces of food out for this feral child, and he was very emotionally attached to her. there were times when she would give him things and they'd talk for a little while and he made a mental note to pay her back one day. he doesn't get to. in modern era, i think one of his foster parent families werent awful. feuilly is another one of my certified Problem Children growing up and he rarely got along with a/o stayed for long with families because either they couldnt stand his attitude or he was "unfixable". one family that he lived with for a few months when he was fifteen were really nice, though. the only reason feuilly had to leave was because they got a job offer in japan and couldn't bring him with. he still emails them sometimes and they send him christmas cards and a little gift on his birthday. they're the people he would consider to be.... some form of loving. other than that, he isn't close with any relatives or any other foster parents
#ty for the ask !!#les mis#les miserables#les amis#les amis de l'abc#les mis headcanons#combeferre#feuilly
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heya! finally got around to writing you this message. i kept remembering it during the most unfortunate moments when i had no time to go on tumblr lol
anyway. you don’t have to publish this ask if you’d like to keep your blog drama free! after everything that happened i 100% understand if you just want to keep it a stress-free zone.
i came to say that from the moment i first read the callout post i was a bit skeptical. by that point i had only known you through your fics - which are amazing btw! you have a real gift with words 💕 - but all screenshots provided were singular excerpts with very little context. it did sound like there was a bit of miscommunication going on in your relationship but that is usually a 2 way road: if one is uncomfortable with something, one has a responsibility to draw proper boundaries or otherwise inform the other party about it. if that isn’t done, the other party cannot be blamed for not understanding or noticing that something is wrong. (if it is done, then the other party obviously has to be willing to listen and respect that, but your genuine confusion and surprise at your partner’s unhappiness somehow tells me that this wasn’t an issue.)
i read part of your response about a week ago and it felt like my initial impression got validated. there were a lot of things taken out of context or just blatantly untrue. my heart breaks for all the harassment you had to endure because of that. it’s a little strange, really - assuming that these people read mx/tx’s works, they should know better than to judge a situation where only one of the affected parties have made a statement. it’s probably due to the current internet culture which is very insistent on black/white morality and makes people have a knee-jerk response the moment the dreaded word “pedophilia” gets mentioned, but it still feels like the missed the point of the books entirely.
i genuinely think that you did very little - if anything - wrong. of course it is hard to judge this as an outsider but after everything that happened i think you might appreciate it. there is nothing wrong with writing dead dove stories and there is nothing wrong with projecting your trauma onto fictional characters. there’s nothing wrong with saying that pedophiles should have the right to access therapy without being condemned for thoughts they don’t even want to have. there’s nothing wrong with refusing to make a statement about a callout post to keep things from blowing up, just as there is nothing wrong with changing your mind and defending yourself after all. i’m sorry people keep telling you otherwise and i’m sorry you had to suffer so much just because people want to be “on the side of justice and morality” all the time without considering what that actually means. i’m sorry you lost friends over this. you deserve better.
on a lighter note, i love the little drabbles you’ve been writing recently! i’m not usually one for fics below 5000 words but i always read yours when i come across them. your style of writing is so nice and you have an excellent grasp on the characters 💕 i’ve recognized your name on ao3 since before this whole mess started and always got very excited to see your new stories. i haven’t commented on them bc i’m lazy (sorry lol) but i appreciate them so much! really, thank you for sharing them with us!!!
hopefully things will ease up for you soon. in any case, i hope that you had a good day today and that tomorrow will be even better. lots of love 💕 and congrats on reaching the end on this long-ass ask if you made it this far lol
(context)
I really, really appreciate this ask. ;-; Thank you so much. No, I’m completely okay with talking about this stuff on here, now that the response is out! It helps me to talk about it. I’m glad to get asks about it (excluding rude or abusive stuff, of course).
Yeah, there was definitely a lot of miscommunication in that relationship. I had no idea things were so awful. I really thought the relationship was positive for everyone involved, and that the few scattered hiccups I knew of were just that - normal hiccups in a healthy relationship.
The first “something’s wrong” red flag I even noticed, if I remember correctly, was a disagreement the three of us had on fiction a few days before they both broke up with me. And that seemed like it got resolved - I got the impression some of it was a language barrier problem. I was genuinely surprised when I was broken up with, and even more surprised (and distressed) to receive the messages I added to the document saying that it was because of negative feelings during the relationship. And even those definitely weren’t an accusation of abuse.
Yeah, I feel bad for a lot of people’s reading comprehension. MXTX fans should know better than to dogpile someone based on a document presented so manipulatively and an accusation given without any sort of proof. I’m baffled by how many people claim to think MXTX is an excellent writer and base their online presences around her work… and then proceed to make it very obvious that they’ve completely missed the messages of all three books. I would be ashamed of myself.
Thank you so much. I do think I’ve made mistakes, obviously - I’m human and definitely not perfect - but they’re, like, “didn’t phrase this thing very well” and “said something stupid during a panic attack” and stuff. I do really appreciate you saying all of that. ;-;
Aah, I’m really glad you like my stories!! And I’m honored to be an exception for you. :O Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much for telling me that you’ve read and enjoyed my stuff!!!
Things have been surprisingly okay. I’m worried that it’s the calm before the storm - I’m pretty sure my first tweet/thread to get mildly popular on Twitter will earn me some harassment and potentially an additional callout tweet - but it sounds like it won’t be too big of a storm, with the callout author ghosting everyone.
And today has been good for me so far! I’ve been stressed this past week or so, with working on an addition to the response document - about 23 pages of old harassment added to Section 2, so it was pretty heavy to deal with 😭 - but it’s finally finished and added, and I’m feeling much better already. I might write something today, or I might just poke around on social media and/or nap.
Thank you so much, and I hope your day has gone well so far as well. Again, I really, really appreciate this ask. It meant a lot to see it. 💕💕💕
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1 for the ask game
thank u for the ask!!
1. What’s your favorite character(s) to write for?
ooooh!! i really like writing all the sides. but logan and remus are my favorites to write, no question. they are also the easiest for me to make autistic, which maybe has something to do with this lol.
logan i like because i relate a lot to both his flaws and his strong points. like. i am very very academically inclined, am really good at school, and know it lol. i struggle w pride sometimes. i really struggle with understanding and expressing my emotions (although i think i come across more bubbly than stoic, which i think has to do with how i was raised; not sure whether to blame the religious trauma’s gender-specific stuff or the masking. regardless, i default to performing happiness, so i may come across quite differently than logan on that front but internally i relate SO hard; i have alexithymia and have extreme difficulty describing my emotions as anything more specific than “probably good” or “probably bad”). i definitely have fears of not being good enough to be worthy of attention, and of not being seen or being alone or ignored. i also get super excited about topics that interest me and love to infodump. and i just overall find logan’s pov very easy to write and to write well (at least imo lol).
remus, on the other hand, i like bc he’s like. me if i weren’t afraid of rules. he’s what i want to be (at least, the version of him that lives in my head and is good for human aus). just very open and not holding back or afraid to be fully himself. he’s silly and messy and gross and just very fully in the moment and exactly who he wants to be, and it’s very freeing to get to write that. also the fact that he has a twin is Great because i can project All my love for my siblings onto his relationship with roman (and, if i’m in the mood for it, all my issues about not feeling good enough in comparison to them/feeling like they outperform me). also his style in both canon and any given au is just. so good. ugh. i get so much gender from it.
[ask me about writing fanfic!]
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please,,, even if you dont answer this publicly i wanna know your In Depth Thoughts on fanon klaus and the issues w him bc i also have issues w fanon klaus but i cant put it in words
This got SO LONG, so I hope you meant it when you said you wanted in depth! Holy shit I sorta lost my mind on this.
In my early days as a bear-poker in this fandom, I described fanon!Klaus as that person who gets resurrected in a horror movie and comes back different. As an audience member, I can tell he's wrong, but nobody interacting with him directly seems to know this. I've also talked a little bit about Klaus and intelligence before, which plays into any discussion about fanon!Klaus, but I'll be more specific here. Before I get started, I wanna say that fandom is a fun space and I don't think anyone is *bad* for creating/enjoying fanon!Klaus, especially not for the third reason I lay out. I just think he's awful, and has some harmful roots that I doubt the people writing him even know about on a conscious level.
Okay, let's get into this. Because I'm me and Wittgenstein's early work that he later disagreed with has changed my entire way of interacting with the world, I'm gonna define my terms. Let's talk about what fanon!Klaus is LIKE before we talk about why I REALLY DON'T LIKE HIM. Fanon!Klaus is a happy, stupid, sweet, childish, bubbly, luminous free spirit. He wears bubblegum pink skirts and he cries when Diego eats his cookies. He doesn't know what numbers are, he can't count, he can't walk and chew gum, he thinks that Africa is a country, he forgets that homophobia exists, he doesn't know that drugs are bad for him, the list goes on (These are all real examples. Can you tell what part of fanon annoys me the most?). He cries at the drop of a hat, and doesn't understand his place in the family. He'd move heaven and earth to help the people around him, and he'd never be mean to anyone but Luther (and even then just barely) He constantly needs attention, supervision, etc. He makes jokes about modern memes and listens exclusively to pop music. He's really damaged but it's only because nobody Took Care Of Him and he needs someone to Rescue Him.
Canon Klaus is mean, and quick, and sharp, and miserable, and hiding, and funny because you're laughing WITH him, and an old soul, and a goth, and chronically apathetic, and selfish, and so fucking smart, and acutely aware of just how much he matters to other people. He makes rape jokes, he figures out how to get info on the eye while high out of his mind, he speaks like 10 languages, he listens to Nina Simone, he uses people's inherent fear of the dead to buy himself time, he finds the perfect story within the dead to cause a rift, he tells Luther TO HIS FACE that he doesn't care if the world ends. Klaus is a fascinating study in queer trauma, and robbing him of these traits is a complete disservice to yourself AND the character.
I say this often about fanon!Klaus, but WHO IS THIS??? Like…. Okay, if I gave you this list and you didn't know it was about Klaus, would you think it was? I think he's literally unrecognizable. He's not any of the things I know or love about Klaus. He's nobody to me, except a nuisance wearing the same skin suit and clogging the tags. He is also, weirdly, the most popular character in the entire fandom. I wanna think about why, and I have 3 theories that I think can all be true separately or simultaneously instance to instance.
First, fanon!Klaus exists because of internalized homophobia, classism, and anti-addict rhetoric. I think that on some level people don't believe addicts, feminine queer men, or homeless people are capable of intelligence. I think people see Klaus's canonical positive traits and they sort of throw them out the window because they don't make sense with their world view. A queer addict is a helpless tragedy, and he's someone that needs rescuing by Kind Strong Dave. A queer addict can't be smart, because then he wouldn't be an addict. A queer addict can't be wily, or interesting, because then he wouldn't be an addict. Fandom sees a feminine queer mlm and knows he should be in a sparkly bubblegum pink skirt, and saying "dahling" or "wig" or whatever else all the time. They know he should be bashful and submissive and always falling into the arms of Kind Strong Dave who protects him from Evil. They also know he should really, really like Britney Spears, and not give a shit about Nina Simone.
Second, fanon!Klaus exists because people want to excuse negative behavior in their favorite characters. Klaus is selfish and mean and apathetic. He just is. These are flaws that haunt him, and define a lot of his interactions. These are, also, pretty tough flaws to excuse (which… Hey…. I have a solution for that). I think that fanon Klaus, who just doesn't GET that he's being mean, and is too stupid not to become an addict (I don't think addiction is a flaw, but I do think that addiction plays into this), and is too out of touch and childish to understand that he shouldn't just fucking leave, comes from a place of wanting Klaus to be a good person who does good things. I'm sorry, but he isn't. Not always. I think the impulse to make him constantly sweet and constantly stupid comes from wanting Klaus's actions to be fundamentally excusable. He can't help it! He's just too much of a useless twink to know that it's bad to lie! (also, side note, fanon!Ben comes from this side of fanon!Klaus. In canon, Klaus is self destructing on purpose and Ben's presence helps…. Maybe, possibly, twice. In fanon, Klaus is just stupid and he needs a babysitter and that is Ben, the motiveless, endlessly loving but Exhausted braincell holder. This is fucked up on many levels. Ben is an asshole, and we all need to get used to that idea quick).
The third and final reason is that fanon!Klaus is… More fun, in the traditional sense of the word. Fanon!Klaus seems like he comes from a very emotional romcom or sitcom or something. He's like a barbie. He's fun to play dress-up with. He's fun to make incorrect quotes about. He's fun to write about, especially when it's about his siblings herding him or coddling him. Good ol' useless, loveable Klaus. I think this is partially because Klaus is a pretty fucking heavy character. He's a traumatized homeless queer drug addict, and that's sort of hard to make jokey fandom content about. Not impossible, I don't think, but not easy. This isn't to say that angsty fandom content isn't guilty of fanon!Klaus, though. It absolutely is. Often when Klaus willingly shares his feelings, or cries in front of someone, or asks for help for something more intense than tying him to a chair, it's fanon!Klaus. Hell, any time he GETS rescued it's teetering into that territory. He's still completely devoid of all of the grit and intrigue of canon, but he's fun to write about, and fun to project onto, and fun to rescue. He's also EASIER to write. People know that Klaus is a funny character, they know they laugh when he's on screen, but it is WAY harder to write a character you're laughing with than it is to write a character you're laughing at. It's WAY easier to write a character who moves your angst plot on by asking for help, or necessitating rescuing, than it is to work out how these things would happen without initiation. I get it, and in spite of the length of this, I don't think it's the end of the world.
I guess as I close this out, I would remind everyone that Klaus is smart, and mean, and over 30 years old. He's not a babe in the woods, or a damsel in distress, or a useless silly junkie twink. I promise that the real Klaus is worth the time and effort it takes to engage with him.
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hi hello i couldn't sleep last night so i was scrolling thru all ur asks and stuff and ur opinions and analyses are so interesting!!! and then afterwards i was thinking about what u were saying about mlm smut and i'd also been thinking about such things a little bit recently bc like.....at a certain point it becomes quite clear that the vast majority of smut-writing is just imitation. like there's the sex noise verb list and all and the whole general mechanics of the sex and those things just .... replicate over and over. and the whole thing w people writing mlm vs wlw smut regardless of their own sexual orientation..... like i feel like a big part of that is just a self-perpetuating thing. like if u have not had sex and u r getting all ur (pleasure-related) sex ed from fandom (even if u do watch porn, that doesn't rlly tell u how to describe stuff? idk) regardless of What fandom , the majority is going to be mlm smut. which is itself majority imitation of other mlm smut, imitating and imitating back to whoever knows what the first smut fanfic was etc. there's just way More to mimic than there is on the women side of things. which then becomes a self-perpetuating thing, bc the mimicry continues and generates more and more. and---if there are fundamental misunderstandings of anatomy involved---those self-perpetuate as well. and maybe even exaggerate. and yeah. does this all make sense? idk i was just thinking about it. like all the stereotypes and stuff continue bc writers are getting their inspo from other writers rather than their own brains. or something. idk!!!!! it's just all... divorced from reality? bc words. or something!! i hope u get what i'm trying to say. just thoughts i've been thinking. anyway i think ur thoughts are cool. and ur writing. ok bye have a good day!!
Okay yeah this is kinda messy but hope u see this, uhh yeah I think you're right about the echo chamber effect fr about stuff. I think it's a mix of projecting too sometimes. talk more under the cut and also link to a video essay since I love video essays.
Here’s a video that sort of touches on this topic:
“Gay fanfiction” by Sarah Z. (has CC)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8E_C00dKwI
This video begins to talk about fetishization at the end, but also… not really. The words “gay fanfiction” is used as a catchall, when really gay fanfiction is largely mlm written by non-mlm.
Fandom is a largely women's space dominated by the female gaze in a media industry world that is dominated by men and the male gaze. I'm really glad women have this space to explore creativity and queerness, and I don't expect the female gaze to go away, but I am still ultimately bummed out I can’t read most fanfic or interact with most fandom spaces without having fetishization in my face.
So about 80% of fandom is women, and most of those women aren't straight, but 90% of those women prefer mlm ships. Why don’t they prefer wlw ships? Well definitely part of it is the fact that queerbaiting is centered around white straight men, and then there is also the fact that women tend not to be written as well charcter wise. But the fact still remains that you get jerjean getting priority over Layla and Alvarez who are in canon just as much and are a canon wlw couple who actually interact as well as Alvarez could likely be a woc because of her Hispanic last name. Korasami doesn’t get nearly as much hype as zuko and saka, despite the fact that they are 2 fully dimensional characters who canonly kiss and hold hands, something the creators fought for and ended up having to sacrifice another reboot for.
I do believe the fandom echo-chamber is largely responsible for… a lot of things, like you're saying. But what's interesting is that the complaints I've heard about visual porn from non mlm in the fandom space is that they can’t get off to it because its for the male gaze and misogynistic usually. But they also don't seem to notice how the mlm smut circles has the female gaze and is also… almost always mlm. If it was a pure anatomical not knowing thing, I get that, but I also think that leads to the question of “then why the male body for porn, and not your own? The one you know and are familiar with?”
I know some people want to get outside of their own body for porn and don’t want to think of their own anatomy at all, but overall I'm still uncomfortable. If an anglo said “well I watch porn of only Mexicans so I don't self insert” I'm gonna be like … hhhh in a similar way. I understand people “like what they like” but I wish they also noticed said patterns in the first place. I understand the t4t tumblr porn circle, and how it's different from cis people who only watch trans porn.
I actually wished that instead of fandom focusing on mlm ships where some asshole guy hits on bottom troupe charcter for top troupe character to save, was instead… a wlw character experiencing said shitty getting hit on and other wlw swooping in. what's interesting is fandom writes a lot about misogynistic experiences without often realizing it. Ive read fanfic where guys get called sluts for sleeping with people or called bitch for speaking their mind, these arent things men usually experience, but rather women. Fandom has a lot of internalized misogyny and also queerphobia imo. Women characters often get pushed to the sidelines and men become the canvas for female fans to project onto.
There is this natural inclination to mlm. When people are talking about “gay shipping” or “gay books” or “gay feels” or even just “gay” mlm is what’s largely in mind. I honestly am kinda saddened by this because if gay fanfiction was really solely about writing more to feel represented, then you would see a lot of bi and ace and lesbian rep, but this isn't the case. Queer women are seriously underrepresented, and I want to hear their stories and read them in fanfiction as well as published. 50% of lgbt literature is mlm, and of that its largely written by women. Becky Albertalli, Rainbow Rowell, Maggie Stiefvater, are the YA big names and are all women writing mlm. Red white and royal blue is written by Casey McQuiston and Captive prince (which is not YA) is written by C. S. Pacat, who is non-binary, but is also TME and not mlm. These are all the big names in mlm lit, behind them is some gay men, but honestly their stories aren't preferred, they're not the right “flavor” for the consumers usually, who are largely women. In general YA consumers and authors are women, but I wish that they… just wrote about women too. I think there is a certain… snowball effect to the overrepresentation of mlm representing the whole LGBT community that leads to fetishization, as well as misogyny playing a factor in: less women characters being written well to write fanfic on, when they are written well they're taken less seriously or the audience struggles to relate to them, they're less marketable then men.
Idk I never feel “seen” or “represented” by any of the books above, which don't address boyhood and manhood and queerness intersecting really, and AFTG doesn’t either. I relate to AFTG as a trauma victim who has experienced a lot of what many of the characters go through and have gone through in the EC as well as them just overall being very well written characters, but I don't relate to it as a mlm really. I've never seen like.. gay voice or being straight passing or femphobia or how boyhood can be affected from a young age by those around you sensing you're ‘other’ or if you didn't experience this you feel outside the mlm community. Let alone sub cultures like bear and leather and pup, at most you see the word “he's such a twink” in fandom which... i fr hate non mlm using that word because it's usually used to replace the f-slur essentially, used derogatorily or to call him “such a bottom” and stuff like that. It’s like a joke or an insult.
Long story short, idk mang this was a ramble and I think I'm coning down with something. I wanna see more queer women rep and women authors writing about being a queer woman too. I think it's a complex web of fetishization and a bit of forbidden love yaoi culture (or it used to be in the BOYXBOY days) as well as misogyny on an industry level, creator level, as well as reader/consumer and fandom level. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to explore other peoples stories and what we read has to be segregated, “only mlm are allowed to read and write mlm, only wlw are allowed to read and write wlw,” but I also think author’s intent and audience and background is telling, as well as overall statistics. Like about an hour ago I was looking for cookbooks in spanish or in english, and I was looking for some mexican food cook books, but I had to look for them using words in spanish because otherwise what came up was a bunch of “fiesta party, easy as uno dos tres authentic cooking!” and I was like… hm. Since I could tell they were marketing to anglos. (also the author’s last names were like michelle smith, james cooper, and this could be for a variety of reasons, but I trust Hispanic names more tbh and deadass would look at the authors pictures and if they had other books in Spanish or what their specialties were.)
anyways. not sure how to end this. uhm if anyone has any book recs (my to read list is like 500 books tho no joke) preferably not YA white mlm written by a white lady, hopefully queer women written by queer woman, LMK, I need more wlw and queer women stories on my list. I have a decent amount but always looking for more. I kinda wanna link my goodreads or my storygraph but I also don't want to get doxxed and it has my legal name on it so.
Also, I'm dyslexic and using spell check but if there's like some wild typos my b.
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Various Fake Dating HCs
Various situations that require fake dating from there’s a creep, to a school play, and how it becomes real
AN/Yall know the drill. Caffeine, sugar, no sleep, binge writing session with no edits. That said if anyone catches a mistake please let me know Todoroki’s got a little away from me (def. was not 2 pages worth of google docs nope not me wrong writer) Enjoy!
Characters: Deku, Bakugou, Kaminari, Shinsou, Todoroki
Word Count: 2520
Requests Open
Warnings: Mentions harassment
Deku
Mineta wasn’t the only creep on campus and you were Class 1-E’s lucky lady as he called you thinking he was God’s gift to women
After 2 weeks of annoying you everyday after class was enough
You’d complained to Deku and Uraka about it before so he was well aware of the jerk
When he approached you at lunch you couldn’t take it anymore
The moment he left you’d plopped your forehead onto Deku’s shoulder and asked Deku to help you out offering to buy him lunch for the week in return
He wasn’t sure how he could - he knew he couldn’t intimidate the guy like Kirishima or Bakugou so he wasn’t sure what you wanted
When you explained he’d gone pink but agreed
Since then he’d held your hand, helped you study, and called you honey and sweets when the creep was in earshot
It took the jerk a while to realize you weren’t interested for some reason when he did though Deku kept up all the sweet gestures
You told him a week after the last encounter with the creep that he could stop
He’d just murmured (thinking you couldn’t here) “I don’t want to”
You’d given him a kiss on the check and realizing you’d heard he’d launched into one of his patented spiels saying of course if you weren’t interested, and he still was focused on becoming the number 1 hero, and and and
You’d wait for him to finish and look up at from the floor before giving him a smile and asking where he wanted to go on your first official date
Bakugou
It was his idea believe it or not. You both were good friends and after his internship he had several dedicates “fans” They’d gone so far as to track him down and asked him out incessantly
The first time he’d scoffed and told them to get loss with his usual tact, that is to say none
After that when they’d followed him everyday from the gates of UA he’d blown up at them, literally
Most of them were properly scared off by this or at least more reserved 1 girl just couldn’t take a hint
You and Bakugou had been sent to get snacks for movie night later and SHE was as always waiting on Bakugou
He’d groaned seeing her and whispered in you ear to play along
Snaked his arms dangerously low around your waist, pulled you close
He purposefully didn’t look at her pretending he hadn’t already seen her
When you were out of the gates he spun you around and trapped you against the wall leaning in to whisper to you thanking you for playing along he asked if he could kiss you
You grabbed his face and pulled it towards your own
When you broke apart he smirked then pretended to take notice of the girl telling her off for spying on him and his girlfriend
You walked up behind him as he yelled at the girl and glared daggers at her
She wasn’t happy about it but between both your threats she finally backed off (though she would occasionally pop up at public UA events)
You were always with the Bakusquad so it was an easy matter to plant a kiss on his check and motion you were watching her in case she felt like trying anything
Neither of you were ready for or wanted a real relationship so that was as far as it went in high school but you keep in contact and who knows what the future holds
It did become a running joke how you two were such a lovey dovey couple in between the cursing each other out and harder than necessary slugs to the shoulder
Kaminari
You two flirted like there was no tomorrow
Eventually everyone assumed you were dating bc who else flirts with every breath
One night you were running late and Kirishima had asked Denki “Where’s your girlfriend”
It took him a second bc as much as you both flirted it was never serious
You’d popped in not a minute later and Kaminari had thrown his arm around you dramatically declaring “MY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND IS HERE” for everyone to here
You looked at him quizzically and snorted
He managed to pull you away from the group and convince you it'd be a great joke to see how long you could convince the gang you were dating and how much drama you could create in your fake “relationship”
You were plotting soap opera level storylines by the end of the night
After a week of scheming and late night writing session you started your personal drama with a dramatic monologue to the girls before class on how Kaminari had forgotten your so important 1 week-aversy
-They’d consoled you and told you guys care about stuff but if you did you should talk to Kaminari
By lunch everyone had heard and Bakugou had a betting pool on how long the happy couple would last - Kaminari tried to join but was banned
Week 3 had the suspected cheating scandal - that had earned you a lecture from Kirishima on how it wasn’t manly to cheat and you assuring him nothing had actually happened
By week 5 the two of you had a regular date scheming night
During week 6 when Kirishima was “buzzed” after overusing his quirk he confessed to loving your (nonexistent) identical twin who conveniently went to another school and you had never spoken of bc she had stolen you last boyfriend
Towards the end of the term during date night Denki dropped to one knee proposing a proposal story line you’d burst out laughing when he grabbed a slap bracelet (He’d gotten from goodness knows where) and slapped it onto your wrist
At least take me on a real date first you’d joked - then frozen hoping he hadn’t heard
He had. He took the slap bracelet off, still on one knee and said (Y/N) will you take this slap bracelet and go out with me for realizes I mean
You’d ceremoniously take the slap bracelet and try to carefully put it on your wrist, treasuring it - slap bracelets can’t be gently moved though so it snapped up immediately as you said “I do”
Shinsou
It wasn’t planned by either of you
You didn’t even know people though you were dating until a picture of the two of you showed up in the schools gossip column and someone pointed it out to you at lunch
Shinsou just nodded his head and sighed saying “that makes sense”
You had no idea what he was going on about - you found out that people had been kinder to him this morning some. Guys approached him about his “game” and some girl had talked to him saying if he was with you he couldn’t be as scary as he seemed
You to were close and you knew how much it hurt him that people were scared of him bc of his quirk
You were sitting so you leaned over and gave him a side hug promising him it would be okay
That hug went down the grapevine and “confirmed” your relationship
By the time someone directly asked you about Shinsou the two of you had talked and agreed to let slide neither of you liked anyone and it was helping Shinsou so where was the harm
You didn’t go out of your way to appear as a couple but you were friendly and people were prone to misinterpretation
Shinsou certainly wasn’t a social butterfly but he certainly wasn’t seen as scary and his friend group grew
2 months into your “relationship” Shinsou had a girl confess to him she liked him
He was taken aback she hadn’t talked to him the entirety of last term and suddenly she liked him
She had been scared of him unlike you. Unlike you, something clicked for Shinsou and the rest of the week he found himself comparing other girls to you and realized he may truly be in love with you
By the time he came round to that realization you had made your own. Maybe people had thought you two were a couple bc you hung out with him more, hugged him more, smiled at him more, and liked him more and differently than your other friends. You maybe even loved him
At lunch he was the one who reached out and touched you, lightly settling his hand on yours and asking if you wanted to be more than a rumor
Todoroki
Can we say emotional trauma
In literature class there’d been a project to perform a Kyogen as a part of their classic lit unit - you’d loved it even if you’d been graded more on the accompanying essay of the evolution of language and classism than the performance part
When you saw there was a school play you hasn’t hesitated to audition bc the kyogen performance had been so fun
You hadn’t gotten the lead role you wanted but you were more than fine playing a the female lead’s best friend who got swept off her feet by the quiet tortured poet
As soon as you saw who you’d been cast as you immediately checked who your love interest was. It was none other than Shoto Todoroki
You were really nervous the first rehearsal that focused on your sections
You knew Todoroki only by reputation, as a aloof and focused student
You had no clue what he was doing in the play so you asked. He didn’t tell you the first day instead just did a read through
The entire time the drama teacher kept saying “More Emotion” and “You’re in love so SMILE” you were pretty sure it was directed at Todoroki who was barely beyond monotone
The director requested Todoroki stay after rehearsal for extra practice. As his scene partner you stayed too
During on of these he explained during the kyogen project he’d felt different in his everyday life when he was pretending to be happy or angry compared to when he tried to show no emotion
The director had called that moment a breakthrough. You smiled at him and asked whatever made him think that showing no emotion was in any way a good idea. He didn’t answer you
You made it your mission from then on to get him to show emotion. Of course that was the director’s job on stage. You made it your mission everyday though.
You would have friends pass him notes for you in between classes, eat lunch with him, and had a bad joke of the day hoping to catch him roll his eyes rather than just stare ahead eating robotically
Eventually he started to show cracks in the armour, he would smile when you made funny faces backstage, or say he was upset which wasn’t much but baby steps
There were days he reverted to mono-emotionalism (that emotion being bored) on those days you eventually decided your best course was just to annoy him to death or even better till he said he was annoyed this came in the form of you lightly hitting you arm on his head, singing the 100 digits of pi song on loop, or running and jumping at him (he would always catch you knowing his choices were that or be bowled over)
Those days became fewer and further between as you got closer to the play. There was one particular bad day though. You’d been trying all day to get a reaction, good or bad, out of him with nothing working.
He was sitting on the floor during practice. You dropped beside him and leaned back till your head was in his lap and started asking “What’s up with you?”
You didn’t finish your question bc he shoved you out of his lap and stormed off
Your scenes that day weren’t great to say the least
By the end of practice you were just drained, you really were trying to help, and instead you’d hurt him and that hurt as much as him pushing you away and saying he didn’t need you
The next day you had Deku hand him a note saying you were sorry
You didn’t try to reach out to him the rest of the day, sat with your own friends at lunch, and didn’t bother him between scenes during practice
It was a week before you two spoke and that was only on the blocking of the last scene the leads ran to each other as you two cheered and hugged
Tech week was hell week for 2 reasons 1. The general tiredness and overwhelmingness that always come with tech and 2 you were practically glued to Todoroki’s hip the entire play for 3 run throughs a day and you still weren’t really speaking
Opening night you saw Todoroki pacing half an hour before curtain call. You were headed back to the dressing room to help some of the other girls with their makeup but he looked stressed.
You waved not wanting to startle him. He looked up from his pacing feet and just stared at you
“I’m not here to annoy you. You just look stressed and I wanted to say it’ll be fine and um break a leg. Anyway I’ll leave you to your pacing.” You said before starting to leave
He doesn’t move to stop you from leaving but he stares you down and starts talking, spewing all the feelings that have been building up (that he doesn’t understand) He’s nervous around you. Why is he nervous around you? He’s mad at himself for making you sad that day. You didn’t talk to him. He didn’t know what to do so he let you not talk to him. His miserable and he misses you he thinks. He tried talking to Deku but Deku just told him that he needed to talk to you about these feelings so he didn’t say anything more to Deku. He has all these feeling and doesn’t know why?
You walk towards him and ask if it’s okay to hug him
He gives the smallest nod
You wrap him in the tightest hug you possibly can and lean your head into his chest. He eventually rests his head on top of yours and awkwardly wraps his hands around your back
When you pull away he looks at you for a moment before telling you your makeup looks nice
You have to run to help the girls with their makeup you remember but make him promise to talk after the show
You two talk and by the final curtain call your on stage hug has somehow become a chaste peck on the cheek.
He pays for your post set strike theater crew Denny’s meal with Endeavour's stolen credit card and asks if it counts as a date if there are 20 other people with you
#mha#bnha#mha x reader#Todoroki#todoroki x reader#shinsou#shinsou x reader#denki#denki x reader#kaminari#kaminari x reader#deku#deku x reader#bakugou#bakugou x reader#fake dating#hcs#fanfic#LibraryCrow
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This isn’t THE tommyinnit villain essay but it sure is one of them
Ok ok so 4 those of u who aren't on discord with me: i have two main essays that have been in the works for MONTHS, these being my Complete Dream character analysis essay going in-depth for nearly all of his canon interactions and finding his character traits and motivations through the story, and my Tommyinnit (and Wilbur Soot) were Always The Villains on the server essay talking about how the only reason so many people view them as the good guys or heroes is because we see the story from their perspective mainly. This essay? Is not either of those.
BUT, it does go through a lot of my thoughts on Tommy and Dream’s characters so I figured I’d post it. maybe itll help me organize my thoughts 4 my Mega Projects lol
@ranboocore bc u helped me pop off on this so hard LMAO
Warning, it’s VERY Tommy Critical, what a suprise. I do not like Tommy as a character lol. idk what triggers yall might need me to tag but if u need one in particular pls lmn!
My biggest issue with tommy's character is that he SAYS hes learned but he never does he is exactly the same person he was at the start of the server just More Sad and with Trauma, when out of all the characters he's had the most push to change. c!Tommy is a very tell-don't-show character which can make it hard for some people to connect to him, especially those who don’t directly share his trauma or see themselves in his character. Of course, there is still a MASSIVE amount of people who relate to his struggles and thus love him regardless of his writing, but those who can't relate to him will always feel some kind of barrier until the things they've talked about are actually shown to the viewer instead of being spoon-fed to them.
It is a very beginner writing thing, and I'm hoping that Tommy is figuring out how to fix this, maybe with support from the many other writers on the server. There's the 3 you mentioned, plus fundy, niki, and maybe tubbo who also play dnd, plus Dream who said he would've been an English major and does a lot of personal writing for fun. I think the biggest issue in the writing lies in the individual ccs being inexperienced in the medium, particularly with planning out their own character growth.
Another glaring issue I have with c!Tommy is how he's framed to be sympathetic and he goes through all these horrible things without acknowledging his role in any of them. The things that have happened to him are a direct result of his actions, but the thing is HE won't acknowledge and so it falls flat. This isn’t to say that being abused is his fault, because it’s NEVER the vicitm’s fault, but being exiled? His multiple fights with c!Dream? His friendships falling apart? Losing the disks in the first place? They’re the direct consequences of HIS OWN actions, but he never acknowledges this and constantly just... brushes off any accountability by either saying that it’s Dream fault or simply SAYING he feels bad without properly showing it through redemption and GROWTH.
Denial is useful in storytelling sometimes, but Tommy's character has been in denial since the very beginning of the server and at this point it's just exhausting. He only ever switches between denial and depression, not really going through all 5 stages of grief properly. His violent/upset reactions would be more powerful if they were any different from how tommy usually acts, but this is always how he is. When he “lashes out” because he’s reached the end of his patience, it doesn’t SEEM like the snap it is because that’s just... it’s seriously just his standard reaction to everything. It hold no WEIGHT to see c!Tommy yell at someone violently or threaten to fight them because he does that anyways!
Static characters can be a good thing, and can be interesting if done correctly, but not every character SHOULD or CAN be static in a story.
Static characters need to have their position or behavior challenged and question, where they look into if the way they see and interact with the world is really the 'correct' one or just evaluated to see if they truly believe in them. This questioning period is CRUCIAL! and NEEDS to be well done in a way that ACTIVELY SHOWS the conflict between the two ideals. If they decide to hold onto their beliefs/continue their behavior then, it feels deserved, because rather than just being a flat "they do thing its who they are" they have defined WHY. WHY is a very important question to think of when telling the difference between dynamic and static characters. The why of a character is ESSENTIAL to developing them as a relatable, sympathetic person rather than a flat story telling device. It makes them a human rather than a puppet. When a character's motives aren't well defined or discussed, they're doomed to fall flat in everything else, because the WHY is the foundation of what makes them who they are.
c!Tommy has an underdeveloped "why", his motivations are weak, rarely properly discussed and when they are it doesn't particularly stick with him. His motivations change without showing us the internal struggle that should come from literally shifting your driving principles. There are some good MOMENTS of him reevaluating the importance of certain things, but they're so spread out and contradictory and immediately spat one that they're hard to piece together. He TELLS us what his motivations are as well, which is another big flaw when it comes to all that but we don't have time to unpack all THAT Anyways, the key to static story telling is reaffirmation. The character goes through a complete journey and ends with the same beliefs because they've looked into why they have them and determined that they still matter to them. A great example of static writing in my eyes is c!Techno, who since the beginning has believed that governments are bad. c!Techno enters the server to destroy a government, and still ends up doing that because he sees and we see him experience that the reasons he didn't like government before still hold true and he has no reason to support them any more than before, and so his anarchist beliefs are REAFFIRMED, proving to him that they way he handles things is the right one for him.
c!Tommy’s attachments are all just... they're all so weird. like he LITERALLY SACRIFICES HIS LIFE MULTIPLE TIMES for L'manburg. By action of sacrifice it seems like it should be the most important thing to him, but then he throws it away for some disks that mattered less to him just a minute ago. But then it's all about how c!Tubbo is worth more than Anything and maybe he's found something more important! but then he shoves THAT out the window for the discs again ig!!! but then it's about l’manburg again? Make it make sense.... pls....
Here's smth that really irks me about Tommy's character, and is kind of weird but give me a second to explain: Tommy has never actually permanently lost much of anything on the server. Every punishment he's ever received he's tried to find some way around. And like... I'm not expecting him to be HAPPY to face the consequences of his actions but seeing him constantly have his cake and eat it too is very irritating, especially when there are characters who DO have to deal with actual permanent sacrifices. The whole thing with the disks. where he WILLINGLY OFFERED THEM UP AND GAVE THEM AWAY THEN SPENT FOREVER TRYING TO STEAL THEM BACK WHILE CLAIMING DREAM STOLE THEM FROM HIM, is the biggest example of this, but it's generally his characters way of dealing with things. He's very backhanded and conniving, constantly calling himself "big man" except for when he wants things from people and he plays up the "iM a MiNoR" card to try and get them to give him things or feel bad. He's not just some sweet innocent kid like people paint him, he knows damn well he's messed up and while he SAYS he feels bad about it, he has never once really shown, with his ACTIONS, regret for what he's done except for the stuff with c!Sapnap, which could it could be argued he did because he thought it would help get c!Sapnap on his side to fight Dream and he knew c!Sapnap was a skilled warrior and could possibly be persuaded to fight with dream.
c!Tommy is in NO way some sweet innocent child, he knows what he's doing. He KNEW l'manburg was a drug empire, and wanted to turn his hotel into the same He was FULLY prepared to just murder c!Schlatt for legally winning an election that he KNEW was rigged AND INTENDED TO HELP RIG HE LITERALLY TEAMED UP WITH c!TECHNOBLADE KNOWING THAT HE INTENDED TO BLOW UP L'MANBURG AND ONLY LEFT WHEN HE REALIZED IT WASN'T GOING TO ACTUALLY HELP HIM--
The line of c!Wilbur saying "Tommy, are we the bad guys?" wasn't him mentally going batshit it was him realizing that the entire time they've been doing terrible things. c!Wilbur was literally ALWAYS Vilbur but the time people CALL Vilbur is when c!Will himself realized he was a villain.
#like. VERY critical#i do not like the child can you tell?#im sorry tommy fans but i am not one of you#and before you ask: Yes I have and do watch his perspective of the SMP just so i can try to understand his thought process#dream smp#dsmp#dream smp analysis#dsmp analysis#critical analysis#prince/pea and i pop off about this so much LOL#this is the first of MANY essays/collective analysis bits ive written about Tommy#lets see how many ill have by the time i finish going through the discord#tommyinnitcritical#discourse#ig. i saw a lot of ppl asking 4 this tag on similar posts so i thought id add it?
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I just thought about this
Do you think the Clan cats might ever have some form of PTSD from eather witnessing another cats death in any form like in battle or another disaster or even killing another cat themselves
I really do want to expand on this
okay matthew from the end of this post here it turns out i have a lot of thoughts and talked for like, almost 2k words about this. sorry. there's a tldr at the end.
hmmmmm
my official answer is, "sure, anything is possible, especially if you want to explore that."
my more rambly answer is...kind of.
we're just going to jump straight in with serious cat talk here, but cats? those mofos are killing machines. they are highly efficient hunters. kind of like people and creating things.
on the other hand, cats are also huge cowards who don't like to fight. hence cat and mouse: the cat doesn't want to go in for the kill unless they're sure they can execute it.
i like to think of them as a very krav maga idea: "we don't fight unless we absolutely have to, but once we go in, we go all in."
so...on one hand, "do cats experience ptsd from killing each other?" feels kind of like asking, "do humans experience ptsd from making things?", and yet, that's clearly extremely reductive.
it's also worth talking about what ptsd is. it's easy to think of ptsd as equivalent to trauma, but it's not.
trauma is, well, traumatic events, ptsd is one possible response. most people who experience trauma do not develop ptsd.
(there's also c-ptsd, but i'm getting to that.)
ptsd is, basically, an overactive adrenaline response, basically. it can look similar to depression and anxiety, but it's not the same. things like flashbacks and triggers are not exclusive to ptsd, or even any specific mental illness. it's normal to experience ptsd-like symptoms after a traumatic event. that's a traumatic response.
ptsd is, instead, the unhealthy extension of that, in time, and possibly severity.
before i go any farther, i just want to say, this is not to say you need to have ptsd to have trauma, that you can't have ptsd/trauma if XYZ, etc., so please, give me the benefit of the doubt here. it's always tricky to word these things in a way that is both clear about what i mean and not harming people.
mental illness is always a tricky subject. trying to fit a sum of many symptoms into boxes will never work, but i am going to lean on it as a tool to categorize and discuss experiences in a general sense.
i also want to mention c-ptsd, or "complex post-traumatic stress disorder." this is a debated diagnosis, in that where it fits into mental illness boxes is argued and it's yet to be included in the dsm, but for now, it's sufficient to think of it as ptsd's fraternal twin.
c-ptsd develops when trauma is prolonged, and there's little/no chance of escape. think kidnappings and child abuse.
it shares a lot of symptoms with ptsd, but it has its own unique cluster of symptoms, especially surrounding relationship issues.
right. we can rule that off for things cats typically experience from battle. but i still want to talk about it.
but ptsd is in reference to human reactions to trauma, which is fine! all warrior cats are at least a little anthropomorphised, or it wouldn't be fun to read about.
okay, before i lose the thread, circling back to my point, the conditions for ptsd are a prolonged response to a traumatic event. i, personally, don't think that your everyday warrior is going to experience this. some amount of battle is normal for cats, yeah?
but i do think ptsd/ptsd-like conditions are quite possible. i'm going to move into a discussion of various characters, now, and i'll put that under a read more.
okay, let's examine a few different cats, starting with mudfur.
why mudfur? because he chooses to be a medicine cat specifically because the battles of being a warrior are too much for him. does this mean he's experiencing ptsd? no, i don't think so. we never see any indication of him having flashbacks or hypervigilance. mind, i have
okay sorry you uh
i took a break to read mothwing's secret
see i've been putting it off bc i knew it was going to make me feel things and lord it did
phew
well i was going to talk about mothwing but first, back to mudfur
i can now confirm that we don't see any evidence of ptsd in him. trauma, maybe, but not ptsd.
which...checks.
next cat, ivypool.
but my ivypool, not canon ivypool, because i gave ivypool ptsd.
if you haven't read it, hedera helix is my canon compliant ivypool series, and you can get the Deets there, but i think "fair is the night" is the piece to focus on here. specifically,
The dark is the same, and the heat, and the way she slinks through the shadows, trying not to take notice. The way every pawstep is echoingly loud, and how she can't catch her breath or find her thoughts over the noise. All that's missing is.
Him.
Maybe Ivypool does still dream.
She hisses, her belt bristling, tail lashing, and raises her paw, claws extended.
what's going on here is that she mistakes tigerheart for hawkfrost.
yes, she has ptsd.
she also has c-ptsd in my writing, but i don't want to talk about this at the moment, because ivypool is complex, and i don't feel like bringing dovewing into this. but no, this is her having ptsd from her (dark forest) mentor trying to kill her. a cat she, at least on some level, trusted turning on her and attempting to kill her.
so for ivypool, it's the unexpected that traumatizes her.
which i think makes sense: cats don't generally expect to be attacked by those they trust. which leads me into...
character three: bluestar.
now, bluestar is complex because of the dementia, but i think it's pretty easy to say: tigerclaw (a cat she trusts) betrays her, she gets hypervigilant and stops trusting people.
i'm deliberately going short on this because i'm at almost a thousand words and uh,, i just want to talk about mothwing.
mothwing. my baby. my beloved. my beautiful.
fuuuuck okay so i should not have read mothwing's secret because this is going to turn into me writing mostly about that, but i actually knew 90% of what was contained in it through moonkitti videos + doing research for various mothwing related projects.
i think the only thing i learned was the moonkitti scene about bees is actually completely canonical, as written, and that it was possible for me to love mothwing more than i already do.
usually, i'd want to also talk about willowshine, but i'm going to keep my focus on mothwing. willow my love is going to come up, but i'm keeping my focus tight.
mothwing! onto my purpose: mothwing and c-ptsd and religious trauma.
she will get her own essay i have a document titled "mothwing and religious trauma" but with trope-bingo i've been writing the essays less, so bear with me.
anyway. i'm not waffling, i'm just trying to set up a good starting point so i don't ramble past the purpose. and i think...the scene with mudfur and mothwing near the end is what i'm honing in on. (spoilers, duh, but also, you don't need to have read it.)
so mudfur comes to mothwing after the battle, and she turns him away. he doesn't understand, but i do.
religion has been used against mothwing her entire life. her clan used it (inadvertently) to keep her from her purpose, hawkfrost used it to maintain his control over her, and mistystar used it to again keep her from her purpose and passion. (and yes, i have strong feelings about what this does to willowshine, but i'm trying to stay on-topic.)
and then, the first tangible proof she has of starclan is the dark forest. and her brother. attacking the nursery. and her.
and then mudfur has the audacity to say, "yeah sorry we don't know anything! but like why are you still rejecting us?"
(makes me want to rewrite the ending of "if you love me any, let me know it now" actually, i'm angry. not going to, but i want to.)
adfskjl mothwing is my new purpose for existing. i may actually consider changing my blog title from "in this house we lovewing dovewing" to something mothwing themed. i love her. expect a mothwing focus sometime soon-ish.
right, so, i don't think mothwing's perspective needs to be explained here. but...she is very self-aware of her position. she struggles with it. she doesn't want to talk to willowshine about her beliefs — she's grateful when willowpaw just accepts it and doesn't discuss it with her.
mothwing as a character has always been appealing to me. but. again, trying to keep focused, her brother is manipulative and cruel.
(i'm not saying abusive because i don't know if he really is. i'd want to do a proper analysis for that, not just ramble in a blank document for a while. he's toxic, but i try to reserve abusive for abusive characters. i think he is, but i don't know how i would defend that, ergo, i'm avoiding it for now.)
just. her whole life.
she spends a long time trusting others, looking to starclan for answer and salvation, and it keeps letting her down, and others keep using it against her, like a weapon. there's a lot to mothwing, but i'm really trying to stay on topic.
before i get to my closing arguments, some honorable mentions for characters i didn't talk about, but could have:
squirrelflight
feathertail, stormfur, and mistyfoot
dovewing
briarlight. okay she's such a good honorable mention i just have to explore this for a second, but the scene in bramblestar's storm where she's afraid of falling trees is good. i don't know, she seems fairly functional, but she's definitely not "over it."
anyone captured by twolegs.
tawnypelt
bramblestar. before you gasp, he too trained in the dark forest and was manipulated by hawkfrost and tigerstar.
probably a lot more.
so anyway, if you hung around for nearly 2k words to listen to me talk about cat trauma, here's my closing statement:
i think ptsd in clan cats is definitely going to be a thing, but i think, more often than not, it's not going to come from the battle. we looked at several examples where the incident happened during a battle, but i think it's the betrayal that's more shocking than the actual fighting.
i didn't address ptsd from cats killing each other, other than mudfur, and that's...frankly that's because i don't know. it is very hard for me to sympathize with those characters long enough to think critically about it.
like, i can write villain pov, but i don't think i can actually say, "what if XYZ feels bad for killing someone?" even if i was going to write about like, firestar killing scourge, i don't think i could.
not in this context, anyway.
similarly, i think a lot of what we'll see is trauma. cats are already extremely vigilant, and while it's possible to get hypervigilant cats, i'm not sure how often it's going to come out. cats are good at hiding physical pain, ipso facto, i imagine they're good at hiding emotional pain.
which isn't to say that they...you know what? you know what? if you want to come argue with me about human ptsd, you can do that on my main. but i'm talking about cats, and i say that they probably don't experience ptsd because they probably shove away a lot of the external symptoms, and that's mostly how we identify ptsd. this is not an end-all be-all, nor does it apply to people, but i don't know how to begin couching this, and i'm tired.
alright, well...
tl/dr: yes, trauma and maybe ptsd occur in clan cats, but i think it's more likely to be from betrayal than fighting.
dkjl this was a lot if u have follow up qs or just wanna discuss this my ask box is open! <3
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Lovestruck asks! 🎂If you could design you own MCs personality, what would they be like? 🍑If you could design you own LIs personality, what would they be like? and 🎸What’s you favourite trope for a romance? :D
🎂If you could design you own MCs personality, what would they be like?
GLAD YOU ASKED! im not sure if everyone who follows me is already aware, but i'm currently working on a project called No Honour Among Thieves, @nohonourvn here on tumblr and on twitter. part of my wanting to even create such a game as NHAT was the fact that i struggled so hard to see myself in most vn mcs - ones that were visibly pictured could never do it, since im genderfluid and poc with alt fashion, so asking for an mc that looked like me was a reach so far i had to stretch first, and ones that didn't show an mc visually would usually be extremely plain - since if they dont show the mc they usually do it so everyone can project onto the mc, and they try to give them no personality either for the same reason.
personally, though, i find a personality-less mc extremely boring and would rather an mc i cant project onto visually than one with the personality of a wet sock. so, with my mc for NHAT, i decided to leave them faceless so people can design them any way they want, but im working on giving them a pretty distinct personality so they fit into the world i've created better.
nhat mc, or as i like to call them, The Villain, is confident, witty, takes no shit from no one unless they have something to gain from it, a bit materialistic, a bit of a glory whore, definitely a bit of an overthinker/overanalyser, kind of a flirt sometimes, competitive, perceptive, just a liiiittle bit of a tsundere, and very, very good at acting. (i mean, they're a professional con artist, they kind of have to be.)
the good thing about the villain is that because the entire plotline is based around a con, keeping secrets, n having your own agenda, even if you can't really relate to the mc much, you can always write it off as it being part of the act, the persona the mc wears for the job and for self preservation. obviously that only goes so far, but i think it gives a bit more freedom to players on what they want their villain to be like in actuality.
🍑If you could design you own LIs personality, what would they be like?
i already have B) i basically took all my favourite things about all my favourite LI's and split them into two characters: Xanthe Wilde and Mercury Jackson. Navin and Siren, the two major side characters who may or may not become love interests depending on the success of the eventual kickstarter relaunch, came later - long after i'd developed xancury and basically came into fruition while i started writing. they were originally just random names picked (navin was from a random name generator and siren was the first name that came to my head at the time) to be the contractor/xanthe's bitter ex, and the informant. hell, originally there wasn't even an informant at first, siren was just a name navin drops so the mc can recognise him as a power player, but i went back to it to flesh her out later. navin's character just kind of created itself when i started writing the prologue.
xanthe was the first one i created - when i went "what do i want my visual novel to be about?" the first thing i came up with was "i want to do a twist on seducing the hot mafia boss." the first twist was making them nonbinary, that was a must for me, then i decided to make them the type of flirty, shameless and highkey kinda evil character i enjoy knocking down a peg. naturally, i had to layer him with enough trust issues to fill an ocean, for the sake of the ✨slow burn✨ that i love so much, and make him slutty enough so it can feel like a whirlwind at the same time. they're so fun.
mercury came up when i was trying to figure out what this mafia boss story was going to be like. ive always been a slut for enemies to lovers, and figured that even if xanthe and the villain were TECHNICALLY enemies, bc the villain has to act like they like xanthe for most of the story, it wouldnt come with the same tension as straight-up hating each other. hence, the idea of a ferocious bodyguard came in - along with all the other traits i like in LI's that i didn't put into xanthe, like being brash, aggressive, blunt and rowdy. just a tad bit apeshit.
i could describe them more, or you can read about them on the kickstarter page or even just play the demo yourself.
🎸What’s you favourite trope for a romance?
*violently bangs pots and pans together* ENEMIES TO LOVERS!!! maybe its the sexual tension. maybe its knowing that someones seen you at your utter worst and still decides to love you anyway is both romantic and something i desperately crave bc of the trauma and deeply ridden insecurity. maybe its maybelline. but god theres so many flavours of enemies/rivals to lovers and theyre all my favourite.
#long post#no honour among thieves#xanthe wilde#mercury jackson#siren lewis#navin devraj#visual novel#lgbt games
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At long last; another recap of my 90s Gotham reading! (or rather the notes that I took along the way) Still mostly focused on Helena & Tim atm, but change for that is on the horizon...
TW for brief mentions of sexual assault &, uhh, canon typical violence
Tim
Mostly what I wanna focus on is Robin II: Joker’s Wild which... feels like an arc that’s coming in Too Soon and only serves to Prove that tims Up to Snuff.
It’s an entertaining enough read on its own, as a story that allows Tim to Hold his own against a Major™ villain. But it’s much too soon into Tims tenure as a Robin imo, and much too soon for him to have a distinct voice yet for me. It’s just... odd.
I suppose thats some of the appeal for early Tim, I can totally see him as a character here that’s supposed to be an easy way for a reader to project himself onto (he’s a Teen™, he’s a Nerd™, but even one of the Jocks™ in the story briefly point out how easy it’d be for him to be Popular™) and ofc he’s an easy way for a reader to then live vicariously through him.
having read 90s YJ already though... I can already say that I like him infinitely more in that setting than I do rn with how Dixon has handled him thus far...
again. not gonna be one of my fav robins. but i can see the meta appeal of him for others
Helena
We finally wrap up the latter “half” of the Huntress solo run and #13 opens right up with Helena rescuing a girl who’s just been sexually/physically assaulted. Takes the girl to a crisis center and meta textually is definitely taking the situation to heart bc of her own unresolved trauma which oooof
Crisis worker offers to take her on as a client which 🥺🥺🥺 (name’s Dr Evelyn Rosen, note for future randy to WRITE SOME FIC ABT THIS ACTUALLY)
at first Helena going to therapy seems like a ruse just to jacks the doc’s notebook to find out the gang’s hideout and exact VENGEANCE for the girl mentioned earlier, but later issues we see she’s still regularly attending therapy which!!!!!!!! amazing!!! wish we’d see MORE of that kinda thing for these heroes tbh!!!!
there’s a hero who steps in during this arc calling himself the Waterfront Warrior. he steals a spotlight but also the credit for stopping some gang violence, which Helena is Big Mad abt aksjks like girl do u want to be in the shadows or NOT MAKE UP UR MIND AKSJ
(He turns out to be Helena’s landlord but he’s also got a Tragic Backstory™️ and genuinely wants to Do Right by his renters and by his neighborhood just 🥺🥺🥺)
Arc ends with uplifting note abt doing what you can and it just wow. Can’t wait to see how Bruce ruins this alsjaksjsj
Batman comin to HELENAS city and she is having NONE of it. OH HOW THE TURNTABLES
okay, read thru this all VERY quickly, some stuff to note is that the kid whose family was killed by one of the gangs last arc that i finished was the one driving part of the plot for this final arc. Helena’s kinda??? implied to be taking him in too???
she’s also framed as being much more victim-focused/empathetic compared to bruce in this story which... hmm
there’s THIS panel which is gonna live in my brain and which REALLY wants me to meta abt bc okay hear me out...
(Context jic its not obvs but also bc i forgot to screenshot the panel before it, but she essentially said something along the lines of “i was half expecting (batman) to say...”)
At this point, Tim’s just starting to find his footing as the new Robin in replacing Jay, so like... Similarly............... Helena could kinda be seen as like.... Taking Babs’ place. Not in a COMPLETE 1 to 1 ofc, but still just!!!! idk!!!! knowing that Babs would’ve been finding her footing during this time period as Oracle... Knowing that they’re similar enough in age here (w/ Helena essentially being an early 20-something taking An Extended Gap Year from college, and Babs’ implied to be around this same age)
idk!!! i like the idea of them having contention outside of them??? (supposedly bc i havent read it myself just yet) having beef bc of Mutual Love Interest in Dick which??? that shits always so boring goddamn.
and esp knowing that obvsly in NML helena just straight up takes the Bat-symbol on bc Batman is MIA just!!!!
idk!!! idk!!! its weird!!!!!! but also im gonna be thinking abt this alot now actually!!!
#randy reads#90s gotham#randywritesmeta#didnt save a lot of panels but those Jumped™ out at me#so yeah. status quo remains unchanged lmao. every day i grow less and less fond of tim and more and more of helena so fjkdasl;f#but now that im thru w/ her solo i gotta do a whole lotta tim reading to read their crossover story ahhhhhh#when will my girl steph finally step onto the scene ;-; plz i am BEGGING
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