I'd say, feel all of your feelings and if you need to let go, then do. As the queen of repressed emotions I can tell you that keeping it together is just not always the best solution. If your life/work/future are in imminent danger, then by all means focus on the task at hand and wait until you are home alone to eat your favorite snack while you breakdown. But if neither your life, work or future are at play, just fucking let go and make sure to enjoy the ride... one of us has to be able to do it, and since I cannot then it's gotta be you bud.

I mean, my grandpa is in Stage 4 heart failure and his kidneys are at 20% function. We don't know how much longer we have left with him, but whatever is left will be in and out of the hospital, which is where he is right now.

His only living child, my mother, is basically an agoraphobe who won't do anything to help anyone.

My grandmother has dementia and we (meaning me, my sister, my cousin and my dad) have to take care of her.

Earlier this year, I found out my dad has apparently been an alcoholic for years without me or my sister knowing. He went to in-patient rehab for a month and came back, started going to AA, and seemed to be doing okay. Then he got his knee-replacement surgery and everything started happening with my grandfather, but he (my dad) was stuck in the house with my mom and her bullshit so now he's slipping and drinking again.

All of this on top of a full-time job and trying to have some semblance of a normal life and happiness... I can't do it.

In awareness of @dorknewton latest poll on my beloved SI-5 sexual tendencies, I am very personally offended at the amount of people dragging Maxwell out of kepcobi. This is not an attack but a MERE observation.

(I am about to go on an insane ranting based on headcanons and what I personally saw them as. Feel free to disagree!)

I want to make you aware that the very same second Maxwell died, kepcobi completely CRUMBLED. That’s not to say they don’t work separately (I am a very fanatic kepcobiwell enjoyer, if you haven’t noticed), but it’s to simply point out how thin the line of kepcobi truly is.

They NEED Maxwell. She is their stability, to make their relationship work.

Kepcobi is founded on respect, admiration, and a sprinkle of power play, they work as long as there is someone balancing it out; and that’s where Maxwell comes in.

Jacobi needs Maxwell to be reminded that he is not the only person in love with Kepler. Even if Warren is a complete jackass at times, Maxwell keeps respecting and loving him, and she knows better, or according to Jacobi at least, she does.

Jacobi needs in this relationship someone that he’s not awfully scared to disappoint, like Kepler, someone that’s his equal. That’s why he needs Maxwell. I could go deep on why Jacobi and Maxwell work very well romantically but that’s another story.

Regarding Kepler, not much to say. It’s all in the script, Kepler is OBSESSED with Maxwell. He has mad respect for her, an adoration he wouldn’t have showed to anyone else. He went so far as to send her A SELF DRIVING CAR in the mere hope of her accepting to work with him.

It’s clear Maxwell is very comfortable around Kepler (see her little: “He’s not that scary!” as an answer to when Hilbert ranted about Kepler being the most dangerous person after Cutter)

and one just… doesn’t, get so comfortable with their superior just by working together a lot on the job.

Maxwell reminds Kepler of how highly Jacobi thinks of him, which puts him in a position to be… softer? I believe? I am picking this all out on headcanons and how I personally hear them, but Kepler and Maxwell have a dynamic that is way too overlooked.

Kepler trusts her to make individual choices (repairing Hera, actively disobeying his order to replace her with a dummy program, Kepler in the end decided to trust her fully). He mourns her after her death, in his own way, and clearly holds a soft spot for her. (Remember when his whiskey flew off in space? He never even thought of accusing precious Maxwell, come on, that’s favouritism!)

In the end, Jacobi and Kepler are FERAL. They are unstable and messed up on their own.

That’s not to say they don’t love each other; they do. I just think that Maxwell is a sort of peace bringer to kepcobi, she stabilises them, if that makes sense. They share a deep love for her, which then, connects them.

And when she’s not there (as we have seen) that connection, respect and love isn’t able to hold up.

coming back to the voltron renaissance in 2023 made me think about the old fandom and the new fandom, and how they never changed.

mostly the hate for sheith and the fanon interpretations of the paladins. i was a sheith shipper and i still love them so much. but back then and even now, people will label those who like sheith, no matter who they are, "p*dos", "incest shippers", or simply "proshippers". this issue has been talked about in the past, but i still see it in the voltron fandoms renaissance, so i just wanted to put my two cents about this issue.

since the hate was born from the fanon interpretations i will start there (please keep in mind that these are my opinions and im writing about the things ive seen personally, back then and even now):

i will start with lance actually. lance in canon is the flirty, happy, jokester, or as pidge said "the goofball". he flirts with women sometimes, makes jokes, but overall he is a capable paladin, and he is great at longe range weapons. he has his own set of insecurities and has expressed homesickness in the show when they were still in space. his insecurities came from thinking what he brings to the team isnt enough. this isnt a rant about the show itself (mostly) so i wont be talking about his missed potential here, many lance lovers already did that. now in his fanon version ive seen, especially back then, his insecurities and homesickness was turned up to a 100. he had depression, and hid it behind a happy facade. this isnt my problem with the fanon character. i completely understand projecting onto a character ypu relate to, i do it all the time. my issue, in a lot of fandoms not just voltron, is that sometimes people bash other characters or make them unnecessarily mean just to angst another character. i personally hate character bashing with a passion. it honestly makes me a little mad sometimes, because the character is the exact opposite of what the fandom portrays them as. im not trying to generalize the entire fandom, but i see this a lot in almost every fandom. its usually only a single character that gets bashed too. when i look at something for the character from a show/book/etc i want the actual character, preferably with hcs i find cool, not oc content made out of them. i like oc content separately thats another thing, but making characters into what theyre not defeats the purpose of liking them in the first place. thats what i almost always saw with "langst". unnecessary character bashing, mostly keith, almost always keith. was the team mean to him sometimes? yes! but lance wasnt the defenseless victim in any way, he retaliated. thats the whole point of his own "rivalry" with keith. to push each others buttons. i love when people make hcs for characters even if i dont like them, but not when it erases another character entire personality or watering it down. that was my issue with fanon lance. he wasnt hated by the team. do i have hcs that dont align with canon at all? yes yes i do!!! thats okay!! but i try to keep their personalities the same.

next up shiro, my sweet winter child. shiro is the "hero", always willing to do whats good for the majority. hes the leader, the champion of the empire, hes calm when he needs to be, but hes also playful sometimes, and adventurous, and (from the pre-kerb flashbacks) even a little bit of an adrenaline junkie probably. most importantly, hes young. not a teen young, but a young-adult. his trauma made him seem more "mature" and "responsible", and yes while he is responsible, he is nowhere near parental kinda responsibility. his fanon interpretation make him a father figure to all, tired™️, wants to die, single father to 4 children, etc etc. personally, i dont see it. hes at most an older brother figure to the garrison trio. also he is keiths best friend. not parental figure but best friend. he is maybe the dad friend of the group and thats a maybe. because of the “father figure” hc, a lot of people hated on sheith bc “ew dude thats his dad/brother”. this kinda thing is not exclusive to the vld fandom either, because genshin has this issue too. i wont be talking about it in depth but another ship i like, zhongxiao, is hated because of the very popular “father/son” hc that is not canon. fandoms need to learn that just because a hc is really popular doesnt mean it is actually canon. the fanon shiro has the feel of a middle aged dad, when in reality hes barely in his mid twenties. he makes stupid laser sounds, jumps off of cliffs in a hover bike, and goes on rides past curfew with keith. he was the youngest pilot to ever go to the edge of the solar system, it was literally said in the show. he was most likely 21-23 pre-kerb and 25 in s1. people forget that yes shiro aged a bit in space but so did the others. also he was dead for like 3 season so i dont think he aged that much then. he died when he was 25-26, i really dont think people age when they die but thats just me idk. if you age shiro up while keeping the other paladins in the 16-18 range thats weird, and if you attack people because of that thats weirder. his responsible nature probably was caused by his trauma when he was the champion. he had to mature to survive.

now, onto my specialest boy, my babygirl, my universe, keith. i will admit that i have a bias when it comes to him, but its probably not what youre thinking. first things first, ill say this again in another post too, i hc keith as strictly mlm, meaning i dont like any pairings with him that involve a female character, especially acxa (bc shes my gf). this does NOT mean that i will harass people who like it. it just means i will block you if you reblog or like posts with it, because thats what youre supposed to do if you see something you dont like. this was just a heads up just in case. back to the actual rant. keiths canon character is that he has trouble trusting people, but hes still kind, thoughtful, and sometimes playful too. like in s1 where he was having fun with the team. he has a edgy exterior, likely because he wants to drive people away before they can reject him. he has trouble understanding social cues and such, he is fiercely loyal and protective of his loved one(s). his fanon interpretation watered him down to "edgy teen", or sometimes an asshole. he was seen as emo and angsty, friends are for the weak, and "shiros emo son/brother". they took away the times he has shown vulnerability and kindness. when he put others no matter what above him during survival. he is not someone that would be mean for absolutely no reason, his rivalry with lance was mostly one-sided because lance initiated and he retaliated. his inability to understand social cues was most likely due to a) growing up in the foster system b) people not making an effort to know him, like shiro did, and shrugging him off as the emo loner kid and c) his year alone in the desert after his expulsion. some people made him up to be an asshole, or just plain stupid (lance sometimes got the "dumb one" treatment from the show but ive never seen it in the fandom, feel free to correct me). he was seen as edgy and emo for acting the way he did in s3 after shiro disappeared and before they found him. the treatment keith got, from both the show and the fandom, was so so bad. especially when it came to his trauma, grief, and his self-sacrificing tendencies. after shiro disappeared post-s2 keith lashed out, he was tense, from losing shiro AGAIN. there are, as we all know, 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. he had just gotten shiro back after everyone told him he was dead and then he lost him yet again, this time with no logical explanation as to why or how. he just disappeared, seemingly into thin air. there was no logical explanation, he couldnt linger in denial like before, because there was nothing to deny. shiro was gone. the others didnt understand, because they werent as close to shiro as keith was. he was their leader, their role model, their friend, sure but he was keiths best friend. the one person that didnt give up on keith even when everyone else did. their attempt at comfort fell flat, because they didnt understand what keith was going through, except for maybe pidge. keith didnt "get over it" at all, and it showed. it showed in his leadership, when he kept going after lotor, even if they kept getting their asses handed to them. i could make a separate long rant about hoe keith mental well being was always shrugged off, his sacrifices. another instance, was naxela, or however you spell it idk. keith almost sacrificed himself, almost died, to save everyone else. he was so so close to doing it that if lotor was even a second late he wouldve died. and no one acknowledged that, not even an "are you okay" from matt, who begged him not to do it. hell, shiro(kuron) even congratulated him for taking the shield down and saving them. imagine how fucked up it wouldve been if keith succeeded. keith self-sacrifices are never brought up, never acknowledged. the cartoon excuse wont work because the show did cover heavy topics at times. keiths inability to see himself as invaluable and important was further encouraged by the "mission before the individual" mindset. im about to lose my point and start ranting about keith.

now, sheith;

no sheith isnt incest. they arent and never was actual brothers (adopted or otherwise). the "youre my brother" line is what people always refer to in an arguement, but that isnt evidence. bc in s2 keith said "youre like a brother to me". "oh they have a brotherly relationship you cant ship them-" yes i can. yes i absolutely can. that arguement is literally just "smh cant two people be friends". because they are best friends first. and it was always keith saying those things, never shiro so i can make the arguement that if they had a brotherly relationship it was one sided. in the black paladins episode (still my favorite along the the bom) the clone didnt have a reaction to the "youre my brother" line, he specifically had a reaction to "i love you". there was a pause between those two lines, so i can make the argument that keith thought shiro only saw him as a brother, but when that didnt work, he confessed. but even without my own argument, they still are never brothers, otherwise they wouldnt have put a direct paralel between shiros ex-boyfriend and keith.

no sheith isnt a p*edo ship. keith in s1 was 18, and that wasnt even confirmed after a while. shiro was 25. in s6 keith was 21 and shiro, being dead, was most likely still 25. most people, like me, who shipped sheith started shipping them in s1, because it was clear they had a positive history. keiths first word was "shiro?" in the softest most vulnerable voice ever. shiro always showed concern for keith, the way the looked at each other was enough for people to like them as a ship. their wiki has an incredible amount of moments between them that can be interpreted as romantic. the ages were never an issue, if they were they wouldnt have said that they could be interpreted as romantic. even with the pre-kerb argument, because the ages arent confirmed, it never was.

this point is for shunk, shance, etc too. but bc sheith was and still is public enemy no1, i talk about them. sheith was popular, and at the time any ship with keith and lance that wasnt klance was hated by them, but sheith especially so. the fandom calmed down for a bit and now its back, i think, from what i saw. but the sheith argument is still going on. i got back into vld because of a keith edit i saw on tiktok, i wont lie. but the not so surprising thing was that sheith is still public enemy no1. you cant go one second without someone hating sheith and making fun of the shippers. its a "proship" apparently. hell my favorite keith editor literally has "shaladins dni". the hate for sheith specifically is still so strong. and its exhausting, i dont like people calling me a proshipper simply for liking a fictional ship that is in no way a proship.

i sat down for like probably an hour writing this just to get my thoughts out. i have been thinking about this for so long, even if this doesnt make sense or its stupid i really dont care. maybe tomorrow ill hate it, maybe ill delete it even who knows. im really glad that there are places where sheith is no longer shot on sight.

i dont really like the apollo justice games because i feel they wanted to kill phoenix as a character to just begrudgingly revive him in the 3ds games.and made him more of a fucking idiot in Spirit of Justice. his case against Not-Trump made want me want to remove my brain off.

fanfic can fix a lit of things but canon will always come back to tell me how everyone in the games got cerebral injuries to act like that. its sad because i do really, really like Athena! not mr Sadmadhi though.

(as a note, apollo is just ok for me. i like klavier because he seems nice but he hates you and will demean you nicely w. trucy is ok, better than apollo in my list)

at the risk of making a zillion posts about this, lotro really helped my locational understanding of the actual text. it’s amazing to me that as the game is made richer by the knowledge of the text, so too some elements of the text (to me at least) are enriched after playing the game. not so much in a ‘I have Seen Moria’ way, but I have a firmer grasp of the relationship between places. not to scale, no, in every other read somewhere like Hollin for example has been a vague mess of rocks and grass. the rocks Legolas might hear, for instance, but not much else. take out the wandering mobs and BAM, I get what he’s talking about! no, i’m not picturing holly tenders, but I do remember the danger they represented when I went through the area. the dev team was very successful in making the places make sense

i fucking LOVE akusai and i wish we had many more scenes w them together (hopefully we'll get more in the future) but i'm also happy with what we already have ESPECIALLY saix's death when the two of them are talking and lea says "i didn't forget you" and isa says "i know.. you wouldn't do that" because he just KNOWS lea that well and knows he would never forget anyone important to him even after everything that went down. he knew axel would never forget the isa he grew up with the isa who was always there for him. even if he found himself in front of saix, a ruthless member of organization xiii and xenmas' loyal soldier, the isa he knew would live forever in his memories. they both knew axel would never forget those memories even if he was a nobody, even if they are now just a distant memory. and i fucking love them so much because regardless of everything that happened to the both of them they still understood each other in the end.

another line i fucking love is lea screaming "YOU LET THEM REDUCE YOU TO THIS??" especially the way the va said it its perfect and i love it and it fucking shatters my heart. i swear to god these twochanged something in my brain and i hate it. and i hate that saix is such a fuckin deep and interesting character but at the same time hes all over the place.

we know everything starts bc lea and isa wanna save the girl they saw in ansem's castle. okay, cool. we know they become nobodies and try to make saix an important member of org xiii also bc of this. but then what, we know isa grows jealous of axel's new friends and starts to act on that jealousy and they slowly drift apart. but then we see saix in kh2 get defeated and desperately asking kingdom hearts where did his heart go. and he always says how nobodies shouldn't feel and all that shit and just. is it because he started having negative thoughts only after becoming a nobody? was it to convince himself that he wasn't feeling anything towards lea? was he because he was ashamed of himself for losing his original plan? because he forgot about the girl and only worries about axel leaving?

and also the scar on his face. WHY SQUARE ENIX WHY DID YOU CREATE SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER BUT ALSO GAVE US NOTHING???? YOU BETTER BRING HIM BACK HIS STORY IS NOT OVER UNTIL I SAY IT IS

i think to me the most like ridiculous critic of the modern scp wiki is always like people going like oh i don't like doctor sonas, i like the old scary stuff with weird monsters. like first off clearly you have only read the most popular of the old stuff because you don't know about idk the living room or the shadow person or any of the countless series one articles that haven't been rewritten and are just a series of numbers and blank boxs. not to mention the lolfoundation shit that sooo many people who dislike the modern scp wiki seem to like but also say they don't like it because they complain about like any characters appearing unless they are like clef and or whoever the fuck

tumblr and twitter r always like “omg we’re so anti system! hollywood sux and big studios suck!!! capitalism is tHE WorST!” and in the same breath “anyway look at us over-tweeting and posting about celebrities shit events, financed by shady-shit money where rich people pay even richer people to get in, wearing outfits that are worth enough money to feed, like 50 people and are literally remnants of hollywood’s most corrupted times. let’s sTAN”

i need to stop spending money on games

I'm honestly so careful about how I talk about j.mart in this blog because I don't want to get called an anti so I'm always adding disclaimers.

But if I'm being totally honest, I do not understand how anyone can see j.mart and say that it not only has established canon basis but it's also a genuinely healthy and equal relationship. I cannot comprehend it.

J.mart is like one of those illusion posters where you have to twist your head to see it but it doesn't matter what angle I look from, I cannot see the appeal of it in the slightest and the longer I look, the worse it gets.

Like I realized today that the first time I personally saw any indication that Jon feels anything other than annoyance and mild professional disdain towards Ma.rtin was when Ma.rtin was literally the only person in the archives who hadn't tried to actively hurt Jon. There was so little build-up to their relationship. I genuinely think that Tim, Georgie, and fucking ELIAS had more chemistry and romantic potential with Jon than Ma.rtin ever did.

And yeah, call me a bitter jonelias shipper or whatever, but I do not see why j.martin was made canon. It was such a weird decision. I think it would've been a million times better to stick with the promise of not focusing on romance because the two canon relationships we got at the end were. Massively disappointing and really made no sense to me.

I like to think I’m pretty self aware as a person but obviously not because I’m always like “my hypomanic episodes aren’t that bad” when like

I spent maybe a third of my paycheck eating out

Basically became nocturnal

Completely changed my hairstyle (it rocks tho so it’s fine)

And honestly the worst of all is that I got back with my ex after like two nights of them flirting with me even though they violated so many physical and emotional boundaries the last time

And this happened all in under two weeks

And honestly the worst part of this is I feel like I let my ex take advantage of me again because I told them I was in the middle of an episode and they still continued to flirt even though I told them I was very impulsive then and they know my trauma and history of emotional neglect kinda just makes me form an instant emotional attachment to whoever gives me attention

I’m a little over a month into this relationship with them again and I’m stable now and I’ve been stable for maybe the last three and a half weeks and I’m the only one trying initiate spending time with them just for the sake of it. They only reach out when they need emotional support and they’re still trying to pressure me into being a caregiver for their little space even though I’ve told them numerous times in the past and present that that wasn’t something I had the emotional capacity for

I have no idea if they’re even aware of their actions or not because they always seem surprised when I bring up that they’ve violated my boundaries even though I’ve been very clear with my communication. They do have memory problems but the least they could’ve done is written things down I even made a fucking spreadsheet of my boundaries

And I know they probably don’t mean to but I still feel really taken advantage of and it’s mostly because I TOLD THEM I WAS HYPOMANIC AND IMPULSIVE AND THEY STILL FLIRTED WITH ME like yeah, I take responsibility for my actions but I’m not the only one in the wrong here

“Why do you relate to most of the troop characters” never having a opportunity to learn things from my own father, and having a weird perception of masculinity as it was clouded by abusive power. Wanting to start scouts to try and grow any knowledge I can get to be perceived as man or manly, because I never had the choice to learn it from him

plus eef in general I grew up constantly being compared to my abuser, my father, while trying to grow especially as I came out into the exact opposite of that. Having your mom become scared as you grow into your fathers looks and start to express anger like both of them. As a trans man the only example of a father figure I had in my life literally abused me, and any others that came after him did the same. I have no way to express my trauma because I spent so much time holding my tongue to make sure my mom came first.

i used to be so good at writing strong, thoroughly-researched, thoroughly-edited essays.

as a kid in hs, my teacher literally came up to me, holding my 40 page essay on the intersection of the European witch hunts and capitalism/exploitation/gender roles (it was supposed to be 7 pages...whoops) and went like "this is literally a master's-degree level thesis. what are you doing?? you could literally use this as your final dissertation in a master's program, what the fuck."

NOW??? NOW?? you'd think I'd be oh so skilled. but alas. i can barely piece together two ideas. adhd skill-regression is so so real. im SOBBING

when u go to write a mentally ill person in ur story you are presented two options. the first option is to write your mental illness realistically as you actually experience it with all the ups and downs and people who are like you will resonate with it and feel seen. except every person who reads instagram infographics on mental health that uses the phrase narcicisst for anyone who does anything that crosses them and unironically call themself a dark empath will call you scary and tell you that youre demonizing mentally ill people

the second option is to lie and write inspiration porn for those people to get hard to