Leather and Lace - Chapter 13: Life Is Full of ”What If’s”
Summary: Arthur struggles with whether or not he should tell you how he feels about you.
Warnings: Swearing and angst
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*I found this image on Pintrest, posted by ‘rafa’. I’m obsessed with their pins, btw. You totally need to check them out.
The next morning after your day of drinking with Karen at the saloon, you feel dreadful. The only thing worse than your queasy stomach is the pounding in your head. You manage to get yourself together enough to drag your ragged self to the coffee pot for some much-needed "black gold". You have spent the morning with the girls, and in the process of discussing your current physical state, it has eventually come out within your small circle that you are majorly sweet on Arthur. Not that it was a surprise to any of them, but now that your not-so-secret is out, the young women quickly pounce on the idea. And the girls are all aflutter with coming up with a plan to get you and Arthur together.
But sadly, your heart isn't as excited as they are. While the romantic idea of calling Arthur yours is beautiful, you still carry strong doubts about it ever becoming a reality. And last night only fueled that notion even further. You had made a move of your own on Arthur last night, making it pretty clear to him (or so you thought) how you feel. But rather than returning your affection, he simply got up and walked out of your tent.
"Wait...he did what, now?" asks Abigail, a look of confusion coming across her face as she holds her hand up to interrupt you so that she can grasp what you've just told her.
You sigh, embarrassed to admit that you practically threw yourself at a man and got rejected. "I smiled, told him he was sweet. I kissed his cheek and leaned in for a kiss...and nothing." You wave your hand before letting it fall helplessly into your lap with a shrug. "He just got up and left." The memory of your pathetic amorous attempt at flirting snaps back to your mind and it makes you cringe inside all over again. You never really were good at that sort of thing.
"Well, that's your problem right there, (Y/N). You kissed the wrong part of the man," snickers Karen, swatting your arm.
"Oh, (Y/N), maybe he was just tired, you know? Maybe he wasn't feeling too well?" offers Mary-Beth, trying to make you feel better.
But you just shake your head, not buying her explanation. "Its always been my experience that if a man wants you, he'll take you up on your offer, regardless of how 'tired' he is."
But Abigail simply sits, still pondering, the gears turning in her head. She knows Arthur well, too well, in fact. Almost as well as Hosea. "Hmmm...no, somethin' ain't right, here. I can't believe that Arthur ain't interested. Gotta be more to the story than that, (Y/N)."
"What if you-" starts Tilly, but you quickly cut her off, causing her face to startle with astonishment. "You know what?", you say sharply, "I really don't want to talk about this right now. Arthur is making my head pound more than it already is. Can we please just talk about something else, girls? Please? At least until I got my head on straight?" you plead to your friends. The rest of the girls fall silent, looking from you to each other with awkward glances. The girls finally have some juicy tid-bits to gossip over and yet they have just been hushed to silence. But you have no doubt that as soon as you leave their company, the full discussions will begin. And in a small camp like this, you wince a bit at the idea of how fast this news will spread. You really need to pull Arthur aside at some point and discuss this, to do some damage control and try to head it off before the gossip gets out of control. But what is it that you want to tell Arthur? That you're sorry for embarrassing yourself last night, or that you actually have feelings for him?
After you finish your coffee, you slowly meander back to your tent to pull out anything in need of washing for the laundry today. The fatigue from your hangover is heavy in your joints, but there is still work to be done, as always. As you gather up a few articles of clothing, the girls' conversations are lingering in your mind and it dawns on you that you haven't even seen Arthur yet this morning. Taking a moment to look around the camp, you notice that everyone else seems to be as lethargic as you after last night's drinking festivities. But eventually, you find Arthur over by one of the tables with Hosea. You can't hear what they are talking about, but by the expressions on each of their faces, it looks like a pretty serious discussion. The mere sight of Arthur makes you blush in embarrassment and quickly look away, hoping to avoid any eye-contact. God, what were you thinking last night?! "Fucking idiot..." you mumble to yourself as you throw a few things into a basket and walk behind your tent towards the washing area, hoping not to draw any attention to yourself.
Over at the tables, Arthur and Hosea are still deep in a serious conversation, alright. And what you do not know is that the topic is about you.
"You need to do something about it soon, son. Because if you don’t, there’s surely others who will," Hosea warns in earnest, yet soft-spoken and serene. "And with a girl like that," as he motions towards your tent with his tea cup in-hand, "it won’t take long to happen."
Arthur lifts his eyes to meet Hosea's, a shadow of pain held behind those blue orbs. "That's just it, Hosea. I think it already has," says Arthur in disappointment.
"What are you goin' on about now?" asks Hosea.
Arthur lets out a long sigh before he continues, as he's a bit uncomfortable talking about this sort of thing. "Apparently, (Y/N) met someone in town yesterday when she was with Karen. And by the sounds of it, he's quite the catch," says Arthur sarcastically with an eye roll to accompany it.
Hosea narrows his eyes at Arthur. Arthur always does this. He's got more excuses as to why he either can't, or won't, allow himself some sort of happiness for himself. And, a few weeks ago, when Arthur was seriously hurt after that payroll robbery (the one that was meant for Rosewood, the town where you came from when Arthur first found you), Hosea watched as you carefully tended to Arthur's wounds, desperate to keep him alive. He had asked you then if you had feelings for Arthur, and you all but admitted that you did. But, you insisted that Hosea not say anything. At the time, you had no idea how you wanted to handle the notion of being with Arthur. So in order to avoid creating a possible divide between the two of you, you convinced Hosea to remain silent, forcing him to give you his word. And despite being a seasoned outlaw, Hosea's word is his bond.
"How do you know this?" asks Hosea suspiciously, coming back to the current conversation.
"I heard 'em talkin' this mornin' about it, the whole group of 'em over there," he motions towards the wagon where you and the girls were a bit ago.
Hosea mulls over this new information for a moment, tapping his finger on the side of his tea cup. "Well, it ain't like they're married yet. Don't mean nothin' til a ring is on her finger," he advises. But Arthur just rolls his eyes, yet again. "Might as well be," he sulks.
As for you on the other side of camp, you try your best to attempt the washing, but the rocking motion of leaning over the washboard and tub and scrubbing the clothing makes you even more sick to your stomach. Thankfully, Ms. Grimshaw shows you some mercy and allows you to go over to your med tent and work there. You are not the only one feeling the after-effects of alcohol this morning, so you set yourself to the task of prepping fresh ginger-root for the nausea and fever-few tea for the headaches for those who need it. And, there are quite a few who do. Even Dutch eventually makes his way over to you, almost begging for you to put him out of his misery.
After you look after everyone else, you spend the rest of the late morning and afternoon taking it easy and lazing about, managing your hangover. Lucky for you, Ms. GrimsHaw takes pity on you and pretty much leaves you alone. 'Maybe she's starting to hate me less,' you joke to yourself as you lay curled up on your side on your cot, your arm folded under your head like a pillow.
By dinnertime, you slowly make your way to the tables to eat. You have little appetite, but fortunately, Mr. Pearson has had the foresight to make a simple soup and fresh bread for dinner. You grab yourself a bowl and small hunk of bread and turn to find yourself a seat. You look to your usual spot, but find that Arthur is not there. He usually sits next to, or at least near you during the meals when he is in camp. In fact, now that you think about it, you haven't seen him all day. You've been too caught up in your lingering discomfort all day to notice until now. Looking around, you see that he has already grabbed himself a bowl and is tucked away inside his tent, keeping to himself and writing in his journal. You'd go over there to join him, but whenever Arthur stows away inside his tent with his journal like this, he does not like to be disturbed. It seems that he is clearly keeping to himself for a reason. You cast your eyes down to your bowl, nibbling on your lip a bit before reluctantly moving to sit in your spot at the table across from Abigail and Jack. Abigail looks up from her own bowl of food and watches you absentmindedly stir your spoon in your bowl, indifferent and playing with the contents, clearly distracted. "Everything alright, (Y/N)?" she asks you, a small questioning smile crossing her lips. "Oh yeah, fine", you reassure her. "Just not too hungry yet after last night," giving her a weak smile in return. Occasionally, you look up and over at Arthur's tent, stealing a few glances here and there as you try to eat, but he seems to be unaffected by the new distance between you two as he never once looks up to meet your gaze. Odd, seeing as you often catch him looking at you, even off at a distance.
After the meal and the dishes are washed, everyone gathers about the main fire again for another evening, but this time everyone is more relaxed than drunk. You eagerly scuttle closer to the flames, desperate for the comfort of their warmth. The heat of the fire seeps into your tired muscles and a wave of relief rushes over you. You look about at the attendants of tonight's fire, and yet again, you notice that Arthur is not in the group's attendance. Glancing about, you see him standing over by the horses with Charles. They are brushing down their respective mounts, occasionally exchanging a few words, but doesn't look like anything too important is happening over there.
And suddenly, you get a sinking feeling in your stomach that Arthur is strategically avoiding you now. This is what you were afraid of. This is exactly what you had told Karen yesterday at the saloon. 'I'd rather know him and be friends, than try to be together and have him hate or resent me', you had told her. What if he really is mad at you now? But you quickly admonish yourself for such self pity. 'We're friends, damn it. Surely, we can talk about it and he can let me at least apologize for acting so stupidly? I'll blame it on the booze.' You take a deep breath as you have this internal conversation with yourself and decide that you'll talk to him first thing in the morning. You'll just leave him be for now, let yourself fully recover from your hangover, and you'll handle it in the morning and get everything straightened out. You're fine. He'll be fine. It'll all be fine. You'll fix it tomorrow...or so you hope.
But the next morning, you wake up to discover that Arthur isn't around. Apparently he left to do some "collecting" for Strauss, and a few other errands that need attention. "He left early this morning," Charles tells you when you ask of Arthur's whereabouts. (You figure if Arthur is talking to anyone right now, its Charles.) "He left just before dawn, before anyone was even awake. I was on watch into the morning and saw him head out." You slowly close your eyes, letting your head hang back in frustration, as your hands land on your hips. You suppose it shouldn't be much of a surprise that Arthur is gone already. Every few days he's sent out for one damn thing or another. The poor man can't get a moment's peace around here. "You OK, (Y/N)? asks Charles, his brows knit in concern.
"Perfect...just perfect," you mutter.
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After shaking down some unpaid debts, then checking out the local butcher who Hosea suspects is stealing cattle and reselling it to the ranchers, plus collecting a quick and easy bounty, Arthur is in town picking up some personal items for a few of the gang members by request. He was happy to have the distraction, and now with his obligations met, he figures his horse, Buck, could use some love as well. So he decides to take him over to the local farrier to get his hooves looked after. They've been all over this God forsaken country lately, trudging over rocky terrain and sandy soil. Buck has tripped up on his own feet more than a few times, so Arthur decides to treat him to some fine attention.
"This one's a real stud, ain't he?" the local farrier asks, running his hands down Buck's coat in admiration. "He's a fine specimen, mister."
Arthur beams proudly as he looks over his most prized possession. "Yeah, he is. I don't know what I'd without 'em," he agrees, rubbing his hands along the sides of Buck's face. The animal nickers softly, nosing into Arthur's pockets to possibly find a treat of some kind.
Arthur then steps back and out of the way to let the farrier do his job. While he’s waiting outside the farrier's barn, he leans his shoulder into the door casing, crossing his arms over his chest lazily, and casually glances around the open space of the town, absentmindedly watching the people going about their business in the streets. Its a sunny day today, the air picking up hints of the leaves in the trees starting to turn for the onset of autumn. The town is filled with residents out and about, taking advantage of the good weather.
Arthur eventually takes notice of a young family coming out of the general store across the way. The brood consists of a man and his wife with their two young children, maybe seven and five years old, pretty much around Jack's age. Upon closer examination, the husband isn’t much younger than Arthur. Arthur watches with curiosity as the man helps his wife with her packages, while also trying to reel-in their two children who are running circles around them. Both parents laugh at the playfulness of their young ones, watching them chase each other around. It’s a happy sight, rare for these parts it seems. The man lifts his children into the back of their wagon, then finally helps his wife onto the driving bench, kissing her hand as he does so.
Watching this scene, Arthur’s mind involuntarily drifts to thoughts of you. He imagines the two of you together, a family like this one. He envisions you smiling at him as he places the young child you'd have together on your lap while he loads the last of the goods to head back to your quiet cabin home that the two of you would build, nestled safely away from the harsh life that you live now. He can clearly see your beautiful face in his mind's eye, looking up at him so adoringly. He imagines you leaning into his side as he grabs the reins of the horse-drawn wagon. He reaches down to place a gentle kiss atop his child's head before placing one along your temple. He snaps the reins to start the wagon lurching into a slow, languid, and unrushed movement; all cares and worries left behind in the collecting dust of the wagon-wheels.
A sharp clanking sound of the anvil behind him within the barn from the farrier snaps Arthur out of his foolish daydream, and he slightly shakes his head to restore himself back to his reality. He clears his throat and quickly scolds himself, looking down at his feet. It’s been a long time since he’s had such thoughts of domestic bliss. The last time he let his mind wander like this was when he was with Mary. And admittedly, it wasn’t pictured nearly as wonderful as this. And he had loved her. But look how that turned out. Its too risky to think such things. Even if the two of you could ever leave this outlaw life together, you surely wouldn’t have him. Arthur's convinced of it. Not when you could have any man you wanted. Would you?
Arthur gives pause to this for a moment. He keeps hearing Hosea's voice in his head. Two days ago, you and Karen had gone into this very town for a drink, or many drinks as it turned out, and in the process, you had met someone. Apparently, from what Arthur gathers, this other man had made quite the impression on you. But, later that same night, you and Arthur had a 'moment', as it were, in your tent. Arthur believed at the time that whatever it was that transpired between the two of you was merely a result of a combination of your inebriation and affections for this new man. But Hosea wasn't so sure and was quite insistent that Arthur talk to you about it.
The gruff outlaw has to admit, the two of you do share a connection. You are both quite comfortable in each other’s company. And for the first time in a very, very long time Arthur could actually envision himself being with someone again and possibly being happy. For you do make him happy. You aren't even together as a proper couple as it is now, and yet, he is happiest when he's with you. Maybe? Just maybe? What if Hosea is right?
With his eyebrows furrowed in deep thought, Arthur decides that when he returns to camp, this may be the time to finally tell you how he feels about you. Its been getting harder and harder to deny it. He flat-out admitted it to Hosea the other day, so its only a matter of time before everyone in camp knows anyway. Things like this tend to spread like poison ivy through a thicket. Arthur's mind races and his heart beats faster at the idea of it. He rolls his fingers into the palms of his hands, as they begin to sweat just a bit now. Its a gamble, that's for sure. A cocky grin begins to take hold of his weathered face as his hand comes up to rub his chin in thought, his thick forefinger dragging slowly across his lips. Then, he suddenly takes notice of himself and realizes that he is looking pretty ragged these days. His beard is getting scratchy and his hair needs a trim and a good washing. He looks over at the barber shop and decides that if he's going to do this, he needs to do it right. Best foot forward and such. You deserve that much, at least.
He turns his attention back inside the barn to the smith. "Hey, Mister, keep an eye on my boy, here, would ya?," he says with a quick nod towards Buck. "I got some things I gotta take care of real quick."
"Sure thing, friend," says the farrier with a grin and a little wave. Arthur pats Buck's hind quarters before walking out of the barn and makes his way over to the barber's place to get cleaned up with a shave and a haircut.
"Shit, maybe I'll even fit in a bath," he muses to himself with a swagger.
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The whole ride home, Arthur is a nervous wreck. He runs over and over again in his mind what he so desperately wants to say to you. Should he take you somewhere to talk about this in private? Or should he catch you in your tent and just come right out with it? Oddly, the closer he gets to camp, he is more excited than nervous. 'That's gotta be a good sign, right?' he asks himself. This is something that Arthur has been thinking over for awhile now and the idea of confessing his adoration for you just seems like the absolute right thing to do.
Arthur heads in to camp and quickly gets Buck squared away. Turning about to face the main camp, his eyes instantly search for you. Soon, his ears pick up on a melody floating through the stillness from somewhere in camp. He wanders through the tents and tables, gravitating towards the heavenly sound, and he realizes as he gets closer to it that its you. A huge smile dances across the outlaw's lips as he picks up his pace to find the source.
As he comes around the corner, unbeknownst to you, Arthur sees you sitting with Javier. You were feeling a bit down after Arthur left camp a few days ago, not knowing what you were going to do. You really weren't sure how you were going to handle this "thing" with Arthur. Javier had found you earlier in the day throwing the knife he had given you into a stump in frustration, hacking into the pulp of the wood with your blade. Sensing you needed some cheering up, Javier offered to distract you with trying to teach you to truly throw knives. "Give it here," he said, reaching over to take the knife from you. "If you're going to do it, let me show you how to do it properly." He figured throwing sharp objects at something would be a good stress relief for you, given your current countenance. You and Javier are good friends and you were grateful for his company. He quickly had you on your feet and was guiding your hands and arms, teaching you the proper stance, grip, and timing to hurl a knife like a weapon at a target. That was earlier today, and now, you and Javier are sitting by the fire, singing and playing music together.
From where he stands, Arthur listens, stunned and paralyzed by the sweet sound of your voice carrying through the air. He was looking forward to speaking with you, so to hear your voice shouldn't be such a shock to him. Plus, he's heard you sing before. It was quite the lovely surprise when he discovered yet another talent of yours; another touch of beauty that sits upon him like warm blanket enveloping around him. But somehow, the melody of your song wrapped around Javier's musical notes just does something to him this time. It is a sound so beautiful and fragile. He quietly walks over to Mr. Pearson's wagon, attempting to be inconspicuous to avoid drawing your attention and disrupting the eloquent sound. Arthur's walking pace eventually slows to a halt as he listens to you along with the others.
Your voice carries through the air, light and airy and beautifully hypnotic. The lyrics to your song tell of encouragement to one so downtrodden, and filled with love and empathy for someone struggling to find hope in the world.
When you've finished your song, you are not met with cheers or applause, but more of soft grins of approval from those who have been moved by your performance. Javier gives you a big smile as he wraps his arm around your shoulders, planting a friendly kiss upon your cheek. It is a gesture that certainly does not go unnoticed by Arthur, either.
"Ah, mi Amor! We sound good together, no?" Javier says to you with a wink. "Yes, Javi, that we do," you agree with a grin, snuggling up under his arm a bit. Watching you and Javier together suddenly makes Arthur question his plan. How does he follow this with his own awkward expression of affection for you? What if you say 'no' after sitting with Javier?
"That was beautiful, (Y/N)," says Abigail, sitting off to the side of you, relaxing to the music.
"Thank you. Just something I’ve had rolling around in my head," you reply sheepishly, looking down at your hands folded in your lap. "Don't really know where it came from." But Abigail knows exactly where it came from and who it’s about, too. Realizing this, she looks around for your muse and sees Arthur off in the distance, leaning against Pearson’s wagon with his arms crossed and head down with his hat pulled over his eyes. She gets up and walks over to the wagon to get herself a cup of coffee.
Abigail casually walks to the wagon and grabs the coffee pot to pour herself a fresh cup. “Beautiful, wasn’t it?” Abigail innocently asks Arthur, as she stands next to him, sipping the hot liquid.
"Mmhmm" is all that Arthur can reply with, not lifting his face at all to give Abigail any more of a response than that.
“You know who she wrote that about don't you?”, Abigail lifts an eyebrow at Arthur.
“Abigail…just…don’t”, Arthur's voice low and gravely.
"What?" she feigns innocence, observing his demeanor. "Oh Arthur, why not?" she pushes after a moment of silence.
“You know damn well why”, he snaps quietly. Arthur is riddled with such self-loathing and doubt, something that Abigail is all too aware of.
"You’re being silly. Love doesn't have to be perfect, Arthur," she whispers, leaning in to him so that no one can overhear their conversation. "It just needs to be true," hints Abigail with a smirk and a twinkle in her eye, trying to goad him into action. "Trust me, I know what I'm talkin' about," as she gives a subtle nod in John's direction.
"It ain't that simple, Abigail", he pouts, as he turns and walks away before anyone else can approach him. Arthur doesn't know why he's suddenly so resentful of Javier. You and Javi are friends, fairly close in fact, and he knows this. But he has to get his head around this thing about you and fast. He can't go around avoiding you forever.
From where you are sitting, you look up from Javier just in time to see Arthur walking away from the circle of people and towards his tent. You hadn't noticed his return, and part of you wants to instantly jump up and run after him, as you've been desperately waiting to talk to him. But something about how his large footsteps hit heavily into the dirt under him, his shoulders squared harshly, told you that for whatever reason, he was in a mood and it is probably best to leave him alone at the moment.
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The next morning, Arthur drags himself out of bed. He had a restless night, hardly sleeping at all. His inner struggle with whether or not to tell you how he feels is driving him insane. He cares for you, he knows that now. But is it selfish to tell you? What if he's not good enough, just like he wasn't good enough for Mary? What if he is not what you really want? He saw how you were with Javier. You've never been like that with Arthur. But then again, your relationship with Arthur is completely different. In fact, Arthur has always thought that what was between you two was better than that with anyone else. Is he wrong? As the camp sweetheart, you are kind and bubbly with everyone, even Uncle. But there is just something almost electric between you and Arthur. He can't be making this up in his own mind, can he?
As the camp comes to life this morning, Arthur notices that you are not at breakfast. Trying not to look too interested, he doesn’t ask about your whereabouts, but keeps a watchful eye out for you. He tries to keep himself busy with odds and ends around the camp, trying not to think of you. Its a sunny day, not too chilly, so its a good day to get alot of work and chores done. By the afternoon when you're still not around, he asks Lenny, “Where is everyone?”
Lenny tells him that Mr. Pearson took Tilly and Mary-Beth into town, Bill and Micah are chasing down a lead with Rev. Swanson, and you are out with Charles hunting. Arthur only huffs in response and wanders back to his tent to take a rest break in an attempt to avoid anyone else. It seems that you and Arthur are like passing ships these days, never in the same place at the same time. Some of that is his own doing, though, he realizes.
It isn't long before he hears the hoofbeats of horses and looks up from his cot to see you and Charles riding in together. He looks up from his journal and watches as you pull Blue to a halt. Being ever the gentleman, Charles is quick to hold your reins with one hand while assisting you down from the saddle with the other. Your face is alight with excitement and all smiles. Charles was teaching you to use a bow and how to track today. Apparently it paid off, as you brought down a large doe on your own. Arthur observes you trailing behind Charles like a puppy as he carries the large deer carcass over his strong shoulders and over to the food wagon to skin. His eyes keenly pickup how you lay your delicate hand over top of Charles' thick forearm and giggle and flutter your eyes at him as you watch him prep the animal for skinning, the pride beaming off of your features. It starts to make Arthur jealous again, not even realizing it. He can feel his stomach starting to turn in knots.
Dejected, Arthur decides to keep his distance from everyone for the rest of the day. He needs to reassess his plan to talk to you, and more importantly, really take a hard look at his feelings for you and the options that are available. Arthur mulls over how you interact with everyone else. Maybe he isn't that special after all? What if it is just wishful thinking on his part that you could want him? He's not as young and intelligent as Lenny. Or as suave and debonair as Javier. And he ain't even half the man that Charles Smith is. What could he possibly offer you? What, his smart-ass attitude, dirty fingernails and a life of always looking over your shoulder? Arthur was literally just spending his time out of the camp intimidating people for money and plotting to steal from others, all while trying to keep his head low enough to avoid the lawman's noose. That's a real nice proposition for a lady, isn't it? What if his affection for you leads to your destruction?
God damn it, why did he have to find you in the woods that day?, Arthur curses himself. Sure, he helped you out, but why couldn't it have been someone else from some other camp? Things have been so much more complicated since you got here. Your presence is like fingers in his brain, digging deep. Things were so much simpler for him before you came. How the hell is he going to get you out of his mind, now?
For your part, when you woke up a few days ago and Arthur wasn't in camp, you were more than a little frustrated. You wanted to talk to him so badly, if nothing else than to just apologize for how you had acted that drunken night. It obviously made him uncomfortable; you see that now, as Arthur had left camp for several days after that and looks to be avoiding you now that he's back. But you just can't let it go. Whatever your feelings for him may be, Arthur is your best friend. You usually pal around with him all of the time when he's available. You don't want things to continue awkwardly like this. You'll just have to push your love for him way down deep into your chest and try to ignore it as best you can. Because, as you have come to fully realize now, you do love him.
As the sun starts to set for day, draping the camp in its gold and orange hues, you bite your lip nervously, your fingers knotting around themselves as you tentatively approach Arthur. You've had enough of this nonsense and you're going to pin him down and talk to him, whether he likes it or not. You finally find him alone on the edge of camp feeding the horses and securing his tack for his own horse, as usual.
“Hey you," you say with a guarded lightness in your voice as you get closer to him. Arthur has his back to you as he rolls up a bit of rope in his gloved hands. He turns his head upon hearing you, but just slightly; just enough to see who is approaching, but not enough to make direct eye contact. He only responds with a gruff "Hey" of his own before turning back around to continue what he's doing.
"Missed you at dinner. Are you hungry?” you ask.
“No”, his answer short and definitive, his large hands continuing to move about their task.
"You sure?" you press, trying to coax him into engaging with you somewhat as you crane your neck a bit to see if you can look into his face at all.
“I ate while I was out earlier," he answers simply.
“Oh," you reply, disappointed, but still not willing to give up just yet. "Did you get what you needed in town yesterday?”
"Yep." He finishes bundling the rope in his hands at this point and hangs it upon a nail sticking out of the nearby tree. He then moves to sit on a stump he'd pulled over earlier and begins to retie and tighten the straps on Buck's saddle.
"I see you got cleaned up while you were out," you observe with approval, a smile upon your face. His hair is cropped shorter and out of his eyes, now. He still has his beard, but it is trimmed much shorter, accenting his chiseled jawline and exposing his strong neck a bit more.
"That a problem?" Arthur cuts back with a bit of snarkiness to it.
"No. I kinda like seeing your face, actually." you reply smartly. This causes Arthur to just huff and shake his head at your comment. (Jesus, this is killing him.)
There is nothing but an awkward silence, as you are just praying for more from him right now. Your heart is starting to break as you stare at him sitting there. There is so much that you want to say to him, but you can't. At least not until you can get him to really talk to you. God, he can be such a stubborn ass sometimes!
"How did the scout go today?" you ask, one last attempt at small talk to try to break the ice. No, its not even ice at this point, but a glacier! Slow-moving, frigid and unforgiving.
“Just fine," is all that you can get from him, not even looking up from what he is doing, not even an inch.
“Hosea seems to think that man skimming the ranchers has a lot of cash stashed somewhere," you suggest.
”I guess," Arthur shrugs indifferent, eyes still focused on the work in front of him.
You stand there looking at him, still wringing your hands. You are wracked with frustration as well as sadness at how this is going right now. “Are you even going to look at me?” you chuckle nervously, the presence of a plea in your voice. Finally, throwing his hands down in a huff, Arthur turns to you, eyebrows raised and definitely looking annoyed, as if pushed to his limits now.
“Yep” you smile tentatively. “That’s you alright." You purse your lips as you exhale deeply before you finally ask the question plaguing your mind. "Are you mad at me, Arthur? Is this about the other night?” you ask hesitantly. You weren't sure just how to approach the subject of what happened in your tent the other night with him, with the kiss and the "sweet" talk and all, but now seemed as good as a time as any to get it out in the open.
“No, I just don’t need you mothering me all the damn time is all,” he says harshly to you.
You stand quietly, still hoping he’ll say something else, but more nothing comes. "Would you even tell me if you were?" you ask softly.
"I already said I wasn’t!" he snaps louder this time. His tone startles you a bit and you blink uncomfortably, shifting your weight where you stand. Arthur immediately regrets the way he's just spoken to you and looks down in shame at his hands at what he's doing again to avoid your gaze on him.
“OK..well," you mumble awkwardly, "I just wanted to make sure you were alright, since I haven't talked to you much lately. I’ll leave you be, then. See ya,” you say gently, as to not offend or push him any further with your presence, and you slowly turn and walk away. It's no use in talking to him when he gets like this and you know it. While Arthur is not one to get angry with you specifically that often, he is known for his temper. So its best not to push the issue at this time, and you decide to cut your losses while you can.
Arthur finally turns completely around to face you and opens his mouth to apologize, lifting his hand to catch your elbow, but finds that you're already hurrying off and that you don't notice his gesture. He is met with nothing but dead space where you were just standing and he finds it so disheartening. He can still smell the scent of lavender lingering in the air from your presence there. He hangs his head low, lacing his hands behind his neck in frustration with himself before looking up again after you. He sighs deeply. “Stupid ass…” he mutters. He’s self sabotaging again. There is so much that he wants to say to you as well, but like you, he can't, as he can't find the words in his tortured mind. And he realizes that he's at a turning point: does he give up on a chance at happiness once again? Or does he fight for it? Are you worth the risk of the heartache that will inevitably come to an outlaw on the run?
From across camp, Hosea watches as you walk away from Arthur, your arms wrapped around yourself to ward off the chill that is not only coming from the night air, but from the man you were just speaking to. His face screws up in thought, letting out a long frustrated sigh. "Leave it be, old man," mutters Ms. Grimshaw, who is sitting next to Hosea, not even looking up from the newspaper she's reading, with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
"They're both acting foolish," Hosea huffs, scowling in your direction.
"They're acting young," Ms. Grimshaw corrects him, still not looking up from her paper.
"They ain't that young! And neither am I, for that matter. Jackie needs someone to play with, and I'd like to see another grandchild before I die," he says sternly.
"Hell, that could be as early as tomorrow," scoffs Grimshaw, finally looking at him.
"All the more reason to get on with it," insists Hosea, waiving his hand in emphasis.
She just shakes her head at him with a chuckle. "Kinda presumptuous of you at this early point, don't you think?"
"Are you kidding? I've never seen a more sure bet in my life," he says, reaching over and tapping his finger on her newspaper in emphasis.
Ms Grimshaw looks at him and sighs again, her demeanor more serious now. "Hosea, you gave them each your word not to get involved," she reminds him, flicking her cigarette ash to the grass.
"Yeah, I did...but you didn't," he grins mischievously, a plan slowly forming in his devious mind.
"You are correct, I did not. And I don't want to get involved, either," she says, giving him the raised eyebrow look, instilling her position on the subject.
Hosea knows full well that he's not going to be able to manipulate Susan into doing his bidding. So he simply turns back to watch over the camp again and pouts.
-----------------------------------
The next morning, you're unloading one of the wagons, cleaning it out and taking inventory of supplies. The camp will need to start stocking up soon for the colder months to come. You repack the crates and make a note of what is low and what needs replenished. You crawl around on your hands and knees, pulling boxes and shuffling them around inside the wagon. You've decided to take everything out, sweep out the wagon interior and repack as you go. Some of the wooden crates are heavier than others and you softly grunt as you haul them about. You are so caught-up in your work that you do not hear the footsteps crunching the fallen leaves in the grass behind you.
Seeing you working by yourself, Arthur slowly approaches you, hoping that you'll still be willing to talk to him after last night. "Need a hand with that?" he asks, pointing towards the object of your burden as you bend over to try to lift a crate full of potatoes. His presence startles you a bit, as you were not expecting him. You look over your shoulder, brushing a few strands of hair out of your face and give him a small smile, "Sure". As you straighten up and step aside, laying a hand on your already-aching lower back, Arthur moves around you to effortlessly pick up the box and sets it on the edge of the wagon bed. He pauses for a second, his hand still resting on the crate, trying to think of what to say as he turns to face you now.
"'m sorry about yesterday, (Y/N). I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. I was bein' a crab-ass, as you call it, and just in a mood," his hand waves in the air slightly in emphasis, before it lands on his gun belt.
The sound of Arthur's gravely, but soft voice addressing you makes your heart melt, a surge of relief washing over you. You hate it when you and Arthur are at odds with one another. “It’s OK. Everyone gets that way," giving him a reassuring smile as you cross your arms across your abdomen. "I just wanted to make sure you weren’t mad at me.”
“I don’t think I could ever really be mad at you, (Y/N)," Arthur says. "And if I was, trust me, you’d know it," his head tilts to the side slightly to emphasize his point.
“Well, you’ve always been kind to me," your smile widening now as you look up into his blue eyes. "And that's our deal, remember? You look after me and I'll look after you.”
Your statement makes Arthur smile widely at you in return. "That's right. That is our deal, isn't it?" He gives you a wink.
You offer a bit of a giggle, and return to your task at hand, with Arthur working beside you. With his help, you quickly finish organizing the supply wagon and then walk over to give Mr. Pearson the supply list of inventory. With that finally done and out of the way, you and Arthur sit down at one of tables and start talking as you usually do, and things seem to be back to normal once again. Unknown to either of you, you both silently, and independently, decide in your own minds to put the topic of revealing feelings for each other aside for now. You just started speaking to one another again and neither of you wants to rock the boat right now. There will be time enough to discuss such things later.
“So," starts Arthur casually as he lights himself a cigarette, "you were singing with Javier the other day, and out hunting with Charles yesterday." He shakes out the flame on the match between his large fingertips before tossing it into the grass at this feet. "All that on top of what you already do around here. Is there anything you can’t do?” he asks with friendly sarcasm.
“Well, I don’t know," you reply grinning at him. "I am pretty great.”
“And humble. Don’t forget about humble," he snorts back dryly, cigarette smoke puffing out of his nose.
“Let’s see..." you tap your forefinger to your lips in deep thought. "I don't know how to cut hair," you offer.
“Dually noted for future reference," says Arthur with a nod. "What else?”
You squint your eyes as you think some more. "I don't handle snakes very well," you point your finger at him, confessing your greatest personal weakness.
"Yeah, I know. I was with you last time you came across one," he rolls his eye at you. "Still can't hear out of that ear too well," he grumbles in that heavenly southern drawl of his. "I think the whole damn county heard you screamin'." You chuckle at his response, as you remember that incident vividly and it certainly was not one of your more refined moments.
"I'm not good at juggling," you say matter-of-factly, continuing your list.
"Yeah, well, don't feel too bad about that one. Juggling is stupid," replies Arthur as he shifts his weight where he sits, folding his arms and leaning out on the table and in closer to you now. "What else you got?"
“And I’m not good at fishing, either,” you declare, slowly nodding your head as if you've just admitted to a cardinal sin.
“What?" he sits up straighter as if in shock. "How do you exist in the world?” he scolds.
“Arthur, in all the months that we've known each other, haven't you noticed that I never volunteer to go fishing with you?", you ask admonishingly. "Fish are disgusting," you wrinkle your nose at the thought of it. "They're tasty, but disgusting.”
“Well, I just can't have that," Arthur shakes his head at you, pretending as if ashamed. "Looks like I'm gonna have to take you out and teach you, then.” His blue eyes crinkle into as subtle smile again.
You giggle at the banter between you and Arthur, as this makes you the happiest. Arthur doesn’t have this kind of rapport with anyone else in camp and you relish the idea that you're somewhat special because of it.
You and Arthur are so caught-up in your conversation that you do not notice Hosea as he walks over to the two of you. “Well, don’t you two look pleased with yourselves”, he greets you both warmly and sits down next to Arthur at the table.
“Good morning, Hosea," you say sweetly. "Oh! I’m glad you’re here," you perk up a bit more, suddenly distracted with a new thought. "I wanted to know if I could pick your brain a bit."
The man's curiosity is peaked at your request. “Oh?” he asks as he fidgets in the chair, trying to get comfortable.
"Yes," you exclaim excitedly. "With the autumn almost on us, the local plants are dwindling fast. I need to stock up on whatever I can find for medical supplies going into the winter. Arthur is always telling me that you're quite the herbalist. I was hoping to discuss plants and herbs with you and maybe even have you take me out and show me what you’ve found in the area? If we work together I'm sure we can amass quite a stash."
“Really?" Hosea's eyes widen with surprise. He is not used to someone needing him for his other talents, outside of for robbing and stealing. And certainly not one of the women.
"Sure," you smile at him. "Besides, Arthur has made it very clear I am not to leave the camp on my own," you say with an eye roll in Arthur's direction. "So who better to take me out than the one who taught him, right?" You look to Hosea like an excited child, your eyes bright and wide, your face leaning in towards him as your shoulders hunched a bit in expectation of his answer. Hosea is an important man in this group, so you are not sure if he has the time to run around with you looking for plants of all things.
But to your surprise, rather than declining your request for his precious time, Hosea’s chest swells with pride, a grin dancing across his weathered face, one that almost reaches up to touch the silver hair at his temples. “Why, I’d be honored Miss (Y/L/N). We can even go later today if you wish. I’m more than happy to share what I know," he says, appreciative of your respect of his knowledge. "Lord knows I’ve tried to show this one time and again," he points at Arthur. "Oh, I could tell you quite a few stories about this one,” he chuckles with a wave.
"Don’t start,” warns Arthur, his eyebrows pulled in annoyance.
"You see, (Y/N), we had a hell of a time getting Arthur, here, to do anything in the beginning. He was a wild child when Dutch and I found him. Teaching this boy anything was a real struggle at first." He shakes his head at the memory of it all. It seems like a lifetime ago now, like it happened to someone else entirely. "Hell, Bessie couldn't even get him to clean himself up. Seems she was always after him, chasing him around with a bar of soap in her hand. He used to share a bath with his dog!”
"No!" you laugh, covering your mouth with your hand, trying to stifle your laugh at Arthur's expense. Arthur just sighs and rolls his eyes before staring down Hosea. "Shows what you know. I loved that dog," he sulks in his defense.
"Ahem!" Suddenly, you all hear Dutch clearing his throat to announce his presence as he walks over. “I'd hate to break up your little tea party over here," the dark-haired man says, crossing his strong arms over his broad chest as he now has your group's attention, "but, Arthur I need you to come with me. Looks like we got a pressing opportunity to discuss. Something about a supply train coming through."
Arthur's face drops a little in disappointment, not wanting to get up and change company at the moment. Sensing Arthur's discouragement, "Don’t worry, Arthur," Hosea speaks up and pats the younger man on the back reassuringly. "I’ll keep Miss (Y/N) entertained. I got alot more stories than that one ”, and Hosea gives you a wink from across the table.
“'Little Arthur' stories, oh I am so happy right now”, you tease, clasping your hands together in excitement.
“I swear, Hosea, just because you’re old doesn’t mean I won’t beat your ass,” Arthur throws a half-hearted threat at the man with a glare to match, causing both you and Dutch to chuckle a bit again at the two of them bickering.
"Dutch, you remember all the trouble Arthur used to get into?" asks Hosea, turning his attention to his long-time friend, with a twinkle in his eye as he lights himself a cigarette.
"Do I?" scoffs Dutch. "Jesus, I was just waiting for Bessie to toss a rope around his ankles and drag 'em behind one of the horses," he chuckles. "But she never did, though, bless her heart. She had endless patience." Dutch's eyes go soft at the memory of his dear friend, now long gone these many years.
"That's 'cause she liked me better than either of you two," declares Arthur proudly.
"Oh, I don't doubt that for even a second." Dutch confirms with a warm smile. And, after a brief moment, he shakes the memory from his mind like cleaning a cobweb caught in a window. "Anyway," waiving his arm dismissively, "Come walk with me, Arthur. We have much to discuss and plan for." And Dutch gets that devilish grin that you all know too well.
“Don’t worry, Arthur" Hosea insists again. "I will only speak the truth to (Y/N) while you're otherwise occupied," says the older gentleman, holding up his hand as if swearing to it.
Now that Hosea knows how he really feels about you, Arthur is a little nervous as to what the old man could say to you while he's off with Dutch. Hosea did promise that he wouldn't say anything about the matter, though; that he'd let Arthur handle it on his own. But, then again, Hosea is a professional con-artist.
Arthur falls silent, contemplating the options, and looks between you and Hosea, as you are now clearly two peas in a pod, as they say. Both you and Hosea sit smiling innocently back at Arthur. But he knows that you two are far from innocent. “I hate you both,” he pouts as he pushes himself up from his chair to follow Dutch, who only shakes his head and gives a slight chuckle, leaving you and Hosea snickering amongst yourselves as you watch Arthur walk away.
------------------------------
A few hours later, when he comes back to camp with Dutch and John from meeting their source of the train tip, Arthur is delighted to see that you and Hosea are still sitting together, but now over by the main fire, smiling and talking over a cup of coffee. The sight makes Arthur feel content to see his two favorite people in the world getting on so well together. He takes a moment to watch the two of you chatting cheerfully about something or other. After the anxiety of the last few days, Arthur is beyond happy that all of that business seems to be behind him now. He still needs to deal with his feelings for you. But for now, that can wait. As for now, all seems right with his world again once more.
”Oh, great. You two are still hanging around each other.” Arthur feigns annoyance, playing it cool as he saunters over to the fire to join you.
“Ah, Arthur, there you are! Come, come...join us!" says Hosea, waving at Arthur to sit, which he does, taking the spot on the other side of you. "(Y/N) and I had the most splendid day today!" Hosea exclaims as he affectionately pats your arm next to him.
“Hosea just may be the most interesting person I’ve ever met,” you interject with a chirp, smiling brightly at Hosea before turning to Arthur with an even bigger one.
"Is that right?" deadpans Arthur, attempting to suppress the grin forming in the corners of his mouth.
“Miss Y/N thinks I’m charming,” gloats Hosea, pointing at Arthur to make sure he hears his point.
“Yeah, well, you gotta remember, she drinks a lot," Arthur teases as he gives you a smirk, causing your mouth to drop open in offense before you back-hand his bicep, trying not to laugh.
“Hey! Watch it, Morgan!”
*Hope you guys liked this one! @CHILDOFSUMMERSGONE
@sophiaj650 @uniqueclodzinevoid @lookingformaurice @ao3sub
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