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arminsumi · 9 months

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let’s ignore how i’m flooding your inbox with requests 😭😭

buttttt, childhood bestie armin who’s watching you get ready to marry someone else, even though he’s always had a crush on you and you’ve secretly always had a crush on him even now, when you’re suppose to marry someone else. and you & armin finally confess your feelings for each other either before the wedding or when they say “does anyone object” or whatever is said 😭

˗ˏˋ꒰ 🍒 ꒱ Be mine instead

Armin x fem!reader ♪

Overview; Armin makes a very late confession and last-minute objection at your wedding

Content; fluff, a little angst

Warnings; a little infidelity, kissing, cheesy and kinda romcom-y 🙈

Note; this request... THIS REQUEST!! 💕you needn't apologize, i'm screaming over this idea i hope u like what i made out of it

He knows you're nervous; it's written all over your face, it's clear in the way you obsessively straighten out your white bridal gown over and over again.

No one else has analyzed your pretty face as much as he has; he knows the meaning behind your every subtle expression. the subtle pinching of your brows when you look in the mirror at your reflection, the curling of your lips, the creasing of your eyes.

what a beautiful bride...

He hid his regret and sadness so poorly. Even someone as oblivious as you could see the prominent sad corners of his eyes becoming more weighted as he admired your gown.

"You're beautiful..." he said, something caught in his throat.

"I'm so nervous, I can't think." you responded anxiously, straightening out your gown again. "I feel strange... I don't know. Isn't it strange? It feels like just yesterday Eren was introducing you to me, and now you're here watching me get married. Where did all that time go?"

Armin chuckled softly and shrugged. "Time flies when you're having fun." he said, fully aware how cliché his line was. "And I'm glad we had a lot of fun while we could."

"Oh Armin, don't put it like that! You make it sound like once I get married, we won't be able to have fun together anymore."

"Sorry... I know we'll still have fun, but..." he trailed off, looking away from you. "But we won't have the same closeness as we do now. I mean, the fact of the matter is, you're going to be married. we can't be the... slightly crazy best friends who go ghost hunting in abandoned buildings... or who run down the beach pretending to be newly weds... remember that? When we were eighteen and made that spontaneous road trip?"

Armin began rambling, rubbing the back of his neck, choking up. There was clearly a lot of emotional turmoil in his chest, you could hear it in his voice and in the words he chose and the topics he brought up.

If you leave armin to ramble, he very quickly begins reminiscing on the past.

"I remember having a big, big crush on you in high school." he admitted.

"Oh really?" you looked at him curiously, the mood tinged with sadness.

"Yeah, I had a crush on you for so long, too. Remember when I asked you over to help me with learning how to speak English?" he asked, looking at you, and you hummed with a nod in reply. "Well" he continued, "Really, at that point, I wasn't struggling anymore to articulate myself, I just wanted an excuse to invite you over to my dorm more often."

"I had a suspicion!" you laughed in response to what he had just told you, "You know, because sometimes you'd say something very clearly like a native speaker when we were around friends, but then when I came over to help teach you, it felt like your English level mysteriously lowered."

"Yeah..." Armin chuckled, fixing his eyes at his shoes. They were polished to perfection.

Standing there in his neat suit, his mind raced. His heart pounded. there were unsaid things between you and him. That was clear to both of you for a long time.

"I think I fell a little bit in love."

You looked at him. Why, you asked yourself in the far back of your mind, oh why did he only get around to admitting to this now?

"I did as well." you said.

He looked at you and gave you a sad, faltering smile.

It was silent. Neither of you talked. But your emotions weren't silent at all; you could feel the amorous truths floating in the air between you and armin.

"I still love you." he said stupidly. Dumbly. Ridiculously. What a true idiot, confessing at the last minute.

Now he really went ahead and said something stupid. I love you. at your wedding.

You looked at him until tears slowly pricked at the corners of your eyes. "Armin, what are you saying?"

He heaved a watery sigh. "I'm selfish," he began, speaking in that languid yet melancholic yet sensual voice that only Armin could speak in, "I should only want you to be happy, but really all I truly want is to steal you away before you exchange your vows."

"Armin!" you pinched your brows together, nearly crying. "You can't be saying this... not right now."

"I'm sorry." he mumbled, "I'm sorry... I'm just in a strange mood... this is all feels surreal."

He almost wanted to admit that he wished you weren't getting married. Hell, he almost wanted to get on his knees to beg for your hand in marriage instead.

But he didn't do such things. No, he did something far more bizarre, and pressed a deliciously fervent kiss on your lips.

His one hand pulled you in close by the back of the head, while his other hand came to hold the waist of your bridal gown, delicate fingers feeling over delicate lace and silk.

After a moment of shock from feeling your best friend's lips, you melted right into his kiss. His embrace. His whole feeling. What an engulfing feeling he always had, it's no wonder you fell for him in the first place, and no wonder why you can't fully let him go even on your wedding day.

"Armin..." you mumbled after breaking from the kiss. You were surprised by his actions, by your reciprocation – you barely hesitated to kiss him back and that made armin's heart sing.

He looked at you like he was about to ask something. His hands held yours as you kept your palms flat against his chest.

But the two of you broke away the instant you heard someone's footsteps come to the door of the dressing room. There was a knock. It was time to get things going.

Outside, people were beginning to look around and wonder where the bride was. They'd been sat for some time now, watching your fiancé searchingly crane his neck around.

Though you and armin pretended nothing happened, your ragged breaths and tingling lips told a different story.

Armin took a seat and traced his fingertips over his lips.

Your wedding day was going so fast that it spooked him. He felt like he had to do something before it was too late. It felt like you were slipping through his fingers and he didn't want that. He wanted you right there in his hands.

But you were already stood under the wedding arch in the warm afternoon light with your hands being held by your fiancé.

Armin anxiously fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.

He heard them say the line he was waiting for, "if anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Now, if saying i love you wasn't wild enough of a thing to do at your best friend's wedding, then standing up and yelling "I object!" certainly was.

All eyes were on him; your blond best friend that everyone in the room knew very well. To see him shoot up out of his seat like that and practically scream his objection to your marriage was absurd. Comical. Something out of a romcom.

"I object... because..." he gulped and stopped talking for a moment.

You looked at him tearfully behind your veil. "Armin...?"

Hearing you call his name... oh to hell with it, he thought.

"I object because i'm selfish!" he nearly yelled.

The guests didn't know what to make of this situation. They felt awkward, except for your true friends. They were nearly splitting from holding in their laughter.

"Armin, what are you doing?" you asked, staring at him with wide-blown eyes of surprise.

He just continued madly, "I love her, and I can love her better than you." he directed boldly at your fiancé. "and she's loved me, and still loves me."

Oh the reactions of the people sat in the rows. How beautifully comical some of their expressions were, their faces seemed to ask what did he just say??

"Y/n," Armin continued, after taking a shaky breath, "Please, I'll beg you if I have to, be mine instead."

You looked at him incredulously. What the hell were you supposed to do? In this bizarre, romcom-like situation, it was a genuine question on your mind. Truly, what were you supposed to do or say in response to your best friend asking that at your wedding?

Well the only answer was to respond in the most bizarre, romcom-like way possible.

You very dramatically threw down the flowers you were holding, they thudded to the ground with a rustle, and you grabbed a fistful of your gown before dashing down the steps and running away from the wedding arch, leaving your fiancé to stand there, befuddled and shocked.

You decided to live your truth.

And your truth was that even after meeting another lover, none proved to be a greater lover than the boy you knew like the back of your hand.

The blond. The one with the bright eyes that intimidated you when you first met him. The one who used to say awkward jokes through his braces at fifteen. The sweetheart who was there at your lonely birthday parties throughout the years. An angel who held your hand through every sharp turn in your life up until this pivotal moment, this insane decision, this wild U-turn that you made.

"Let's go." you said and gave Armin your hand.

His eyes said it all. They were glittering in disbelief.

You threw a apologetic smile back at your fiancé. "Sorry." you mumbled half-heartedly. "I hope you'll find someone who's right for you. But that person isn't me!"

#🐬Ocean Prince #fluff #armin #armin arlert #armin aot #snk #aot #armin arlert x reader #armin x reader #armin oneshot #armin x you #armin x y/n #wholesome #cute #armin fluff #armin arlert x you

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hanasnx · 4 months

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okay i've been stalking your page and reading all your obx stuff and it's really putting me back in that phase. anyways the thought of being fucked from behind while rafe holds a gun to the back of your head is making me insane.

i was originally gonna say jj that would do this but we all know rafe is a crazy person so it just fits him better yk

-💿

i agree it does fit rafe better in this context. i do think though if rafe were to be doing this, the circumstances would be pretty dark. like during one of his episodes and it wouldn’t be consensual. because rafe when he’s in love with you, would refuse gunplay. it’d be too real, he’s killed people, he’s shot people, it’d just bring him back to that place. so if he’s fucking you from behind with a gun to your head, you best believe he’s a) getting revenge on you for something b) taking something out on you c) you were in the wrong place at wrong time.

i’m happy to hear you’ve been stalking my page<3 i’m glad u like the phase im goin thru rn

edit: i’m not sure why i could kinda see him making you suck on it while it’s not loaded and safety on (overly cautious) but this he wouldn’t do. maybe i’ll have a more articulate answer when i finish the show

#tw noncon #tw gunplay #indy shoots the shit #thanks for the msg!!#anon: 💿#ch: rafe

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sundaybee · 2 years

Text

One More Time (Julieta x Fem!Reader) Pt 11

As always I am not a native Spanish speaker, so if I butchered a sentence or word let me know so I may correct it.

This one ended up being super long so I hope it’s something you all find worth reading.

Part 11 of 20

Pt 12

I did not make the gif.

Things to note: Julieta is a widow. Reader is 30. Talks about depression early on.

Please don’t tear it apart too harshly!

You and Julieta joined the others. Julieta carried dessert while you carried plates and utensils. The rest of the night was pleasant and everyone seemed to have given up on their teasing. Your quick wit was too difficult to match and Julieta was thankful for it.

“It’s late, I should head out.” You said rising from your seat. The children had since left to do what they pleased for the rest of the night leaving Alma, her triplets, Felix, and yourself out in the garden for an additional two hours.

“Lo siento we shouldn’t have kept you this late.” Julieta apologized.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Señora. I’m a grown woman who chose to stay out late.” You replied, smoothing out your dress.

“Bruno, accompany Y/N home. Make sure she makes it there safely.” Alma said to her youngest.

Julieta felt knots grow in her stomach. She loved her brother, she loved him more than words could articulate. Still the idea of him walking you home and not herself left her feeling jealous.

“Oh no need Señora, I’m actually not going home. I have some work to finish up at the store.”

“You really are attached to your work.” Pepa said rising with the help of her husband.

“I love that store more than you realize.” You said with a smile.

“Allow me to escort you to the door.” Julieta said and rose. You faced the family and smiled brightly.

“Gracias. I truly enjoyed my time tonight.”

“De nada, you are welcome in our home anytime.” Alma said, Bruno helping her to her feet. You nodded at her, bid them a final farewell and left with Julieta.

“You have a lovely family. I can see why my parents adored them.” You said as the two of you approached the door.

“I’m quite lucky with who I share a roof with.”

“I’m sure they feel the same way.”

Once at the door Julieta had to ask.

“Are you really going to work?”

“Sí, I just have a few things I need to finish to prepare for tomorrow's shipment, it shouldn’t take more than an hour at most.”

“Well, don’t work too late. Get some rest.”

“Okay mom.” You teased before leaning in for a hug.

Julieta forced a smile but the statement hit deeper than you could imagine. She had tried to avoid the obvious, the age difference, and pretend that the two of you were on the same level. Life had to continue to remind her she was old, she was a mother, she was crazy to allow her heart to flutter at every embrace.

Pulling back you kept the smile on your face but you knew something was bothering the woman. The hug felt strained and you had grown used to the warm affection Julieta gave you and this wasn’t it.

“Gracias, dinner was wonderful. You really are the best cook in the whole Encanto.”

Juleita blushed at the compliment but was quick to shake it off.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. I’ll gladly cook for you anytime.”

Now it was your turn to blush and to hide your face you turned to grab your bag that casita had deposited on a nearby table.

“Maybe I’ll hold you to it Señora.”

“How many more times will I need to ask you to call me JuIieta?” She asked, placing her hands on her hips.

“At least one more time.” You replied in typical fashion and smiled, earning an eye roll from the healer.

You bid the woman goodbye and left, smiling the whole way to the shop. You never once questioned the sounds around you and the eyes that followed you through town.

Julieta shut the door and sighed dreamily. Never knowing who was lurking she quickly made her way to her room. As she stood looking at her reflection in the vanity she lifted her hand and stared at the band.

“Ay Agustín. I miss you. I miss you more than anyone will ever know…but I think this needs to be in a place closer to my heart now.”

Julieta removed the ring and dug through her jewelry box and found a thin chain. Sliding the band on it she clasped it shut around her neck and slipped it under her dress. The metal felt cool against her skin.

It felt weird, she had worn that band every day since he put it on her finger. Her hand felt naked without it, but she knew it was in the right place now.

——

Weeks turned into months and for three months life progressed as normal. You sold your books, you made Julieta lunch, you enjoyed the company of more Madrigals who came for books. For the first time since your parents died you felt like you were a part of a family.

“Why do you avoid talking about yourself?” Julieta asked. She had carefully taken note of every time you changed the subject when she asked anything remotely close to a personal question over the course of the past two weeks.

“No I don’t.” You replied, handing her her coffee and a plate and taking your seat.

“I tried a new cookie recipe, let me know how it is.”

“See there you go again. Why won’t you share anything with me? Do you not trust me?” Julieta asked, placing both the drink and plate off to the side.

“Of course I trust you! I just….don’t find myself very interesting.” You said, your hands immediately twisting the fabric of your dress.

Julieta was quick to reach out and take your hands, stopping the nervous action.

“I happen to find you very interesting.”

You blushed and looked away, Julieta’s hands suddenly feeling hot in yours. You searched for the fixed point that always brought you back to reality but it was no longer on her left hand.

“I just want to get to know my dear friend better.”

You looked back at the woman, her eyes filled with sincerity.

“Alright, what do you want to know?”

For the next hour you spoke. You spoke about your childhood, your parents, the store you grew up in and how much it meant to you, your morning routine, how much you loved your mothers empanadas, and you even went as far to admit your intense fear of thunderstorms.

“When I was very little I got lost while exploring the forest. I couldn’t have been missing for more than two or so hours but I was so young and it felt so long and during that time a bad storm rolled in.” You admitted, remembering the day as if it was yesterday.

“I was so scared and the water poured down on me and the thunder was just so loud. Lightning struck the tree I was hiding under and a massive branch fell and struck me.” You pulled your hands free from Julieta’s to hoist up your dress to your thigh revealing an ugly scar.

Julieta stared at the grotesque mark. It was large, larger than a scar that had decades to heal should look. She cursed herself that she never knew about it. You seemingly read her thoughts and continued.

“I think in the confusion of everything and in my parents' relief that they had found me they just didn’t think to bring me to you for healing. They just took me home and vowed I’d never be lost and alone again.”

You lowered your dress and sighed at the irony of it.

“A few times I tried to face my fear and went out in some storms. I think I traumatized myself more.” You awkwardly chuckled and forced yourself not to mess with your dress.

“Now when I hear the thunder during the day I just close the shop and find a spot to curl up and wait it out; and as childish as it sounds at night I hide under my covers and wait.”

You were absolutely embarrassed to be admitting this to the woman but she looked at you so softly and reached out again to take your hands.

“Thank you for sharing with me. I’m honored to know more about you.”

The blush overtook your face immediately and you looked away. Your heart raced wildly and you wanted nothing more than to hug the woman, but the ding above your shop door interrupted any chance of that.

“You are far too kind with your words.” You said, finally looking back at her for a moment before rising to greet the customer.

#julieta madrigal #julieta madrigal x reader #julieta x fem reader #julieta x reader #reader insert #Encanto #One More Time

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undead-knick-knack · 1 year

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Hi :)

You are one of the only people I really see on here that posts anything about ashton/laudna (and your posts always make me laugh) and I was wondering when you first started shipping the two of them?

Personally, I started to become fond of their relationship in episode 2 when Laudna first introduced Pate to the group. Ashton was so entertained and expressed his interest and how he never wanted it to end. It stood out to me that everyone else was in a way holding back (or outwardly expressing) their discomfort, with Imogen even saying that she never got used to it, even after two years of traveling together. It made me happy that Laudna had at least one person in the group who wasn't immediately put off by her creepy nature. Ashton and Laudna were already two of my favorite characters and I love their dynamic.

I also never really understood why this ship is not as popular as some of the other ships. I'm not bashing other ships at all, but the disinterest in this relationship is interesting when looking at it through the lens of someone who has been shipping them most of the time. idk it just makes sense to me.

i just love how surprisingly honest and healthy their relationship is and I just wanted to know your thoughts.

TLDR: I would love to know when you started shipping Ashton and Laudna and some of your general thoughts on their realtionship? Love the posts <3

Oh this is so sweet!! I’m glad my tomfoolery makes you laugh <3

As for when I started shipping them, that was way back in March of this year (I rarely start shipping characters right away, hella impressed how early you were on this shit), I had enjoyed their dynamic before that but what really got me on board with them as a ship was this post by svartalfhild (which they’ve expanded on since initial posting). They did a great job articulating and consolidating everything I like about Ashton/Laudna 😊

As for what /I/ like about them personally, that includes the whole Brick Shithouse/Breakable Bird-Boned Waif dynamic, most recently highlighted in the latest episode of Ashton (the barbarian) making sure to look out for Laudna (the squishy spellcaster) during the fight with Werewolf Chetney I also enjoy their contrasting personalities. Ashton’s exterior is very rough but actually has a heart of gold, while Laudna is the outwardly happy-go-lucky type but has a lot of darkness hiding behind that bubbly exterior. Neither shy away from the other’s interior or exterior and I feel like they help bring their more hidden aspects out of each other for the better They both have a similar background of “physically fucked up after traumatic experience” (I even made a meme about that lol) which I think gives them a pretty unique point of common ground Something you talked about was how Ashton genuinely enjoys who fucking weird and out there Laudna is, with Pate being a great of that. While everyone is horrified or just put off by something Laudna created as a coping mechanism to keep herself going crazy with loneliness, Ashton thinks it’s incredible, exemplified by him getting Pate a suit and never hesitating to interact directly with Pate And something I mentioned to a friend a couple months back was how Ashton is touch adverse (this was before we knew about his chronic pain), whereas Laudna likes to be physically close with others. Ashton only seemed to be ok with physical touch when it’s violent, ie not wanting a massage at the spa but diving head first into a fight at the Ball, so I figured Laudna being so touchy feely would be great in getting Ashton to accept positive physical touch. But then even after learning that his touch-aversion is the result of chronic pain from his Kintsugi scars, I still think Laudna could be a positive source of physical touch for him since her cold dead skin could bring some pain relief for him

So yeah while this isn’t /everything/ I like about their relationship and dynamic (I’m not the best at right meta or articulating my thoughts like this lol), these are definitely some of the main things I love about them 😊

I am hoping as more time passes and Ashton and Laudna have more moments together, more people will catch on to them and join in on this fun little ship, I think the lack of interest or just general awareness stems from a lot of attention being focused elsewhere Tho by-gods am I going to annoy this fandom with my Tombstone shenanigans and maybe even pspsps a few into joining us 😁 But anyway, I’m so glad you like my shitposts (even the ridiculously cringy ones 😁) and here’s to The Punk King and Undead Goth Queen of our hearts🖤

#anon #anonymous #tombstone #gravestone #laudmoore #ashna #ashton x laudna #laudna x ashton #cr meta #courtesy of me

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rollercoasterwords · 2 years

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hey lovely, i just got around to reading the chapter rn and let me just say i am in so much awe. the way that you portrayed what dorcas and marlene are dealing with rn and love tangled into all of that made me absolutely crazy. it’s so so so soooo interesting and honestly so real and raw.

i’m going particularly crazy about the situation dorcas is in bc essentially by trying to keep marlene safe she’s pushing her away and in multiple ways too. there’s the fact that she just isn’t telling her all that’s going on with voldemort, which obviously we saw doesn’t feel good on marlene’s end and just breeds more mistrust, but there’s also the fact that she sort of took matters into her own hand and did that deal with dumbledore about keeping marlene out of danger, which listen i get but it doesn’t end well for either dorcas OR marlene and they both just end up more hurt and honestly knowing how this all ends is just very fucking heartbreaking bc we as readers know that it doesn’t matter in the end. there were multiple lines that literally had me like absolutely stunned just bc of how well they portrayed the situation and the emotion and just in general the toll that it’s having on both of them.

“She thinks it is killing the part of her that knew how to love, maybe. Her kisses all feel like wounds these days.” this mf line. i had to put my phone down for a bit i swear. fuck i love love looooove characters with depth and dorcas in this fic>>> she loves marlene so much that she’s doing all these things to protect her that are chipping away little parts of her that know how to give that love.

“You’re acting fucking insane,” she hisses, because she knows it will hurt Marlene—and that’s love, isn’t it? Dorcas wants to crack open her ribcage and crawl inside, she wants to chew the meat of her heart like a bloody steak, tender and soft and melting off the bone. Isn’t that love.” this is another fucking one. u deserve jail for this one. no no. it plays with my emotions and it makes me FEEL things. ur not understanding the brainrot i’m having rn. i finished and chapter and immediately reread bc that’s how much i loved it. idk but genuinely i think this has been my favorite chapter so far. i usually get so frustrated seeing situations like these, esp bc of the whole miscommunication aspect of it bc like we know the whole picture so it’s easier for us to understand where the characters and coming from and why they do certain things, so it’s frustrating that the characters in the story can’t but like no u just did it in a whole other way.

all the metaphors that u used to express love in this chapter. all the fighting and like anger and emotions and LOVE.

i’m obsessed with ur portrayal of it.

another quote:

“It is impossible to imagine what she feels for Dorcas could ever be anything but destructive; loving her is like trying to keep warm with a forest fire, like trying to quench thirst by swallowing an ocean.” no bc this quote. i FUCKING LOOOOVE the way you described love here especially considering marlene’s circumstances and didkwkdkd fuck i j wanna ramble and ramble but it’s lowkey super late here and i need sleep and idek if this made ANY sense and i SO MUCH MORE to say but first i’m horrible at articulating my thoughts i hate it and second like i said i need sleep so like sry sry if this was a waste of time ajd made no sense but yk. yeah just know i love ur brain and ur writing and u. just in lcoe ekth this fic. 10000/10 goshhh u are amazing. i’ll shut up now. maybe in the morning i’ll try to coherently word my thoughts but who knows.

ahhhh jumping up and down and clapping my hands thank u for taking the time to send such a long message!! i'm so glad you liked the chapter it was definitely more of an intense one lol

and YES the situation with dorcas exactly like it is just. i talked about why exactly she's not being honest with marlene in this post but yeah essentially it's just one of those situations where everything is coming from a place of love and a desire to protect marlene and keep her safe but that's not what marlene wants but dorcas doesn't care because she'd rather love marlene wrong than risk losing her and i just!!!!!! look i know i wrote it but i wrote it bc that dynamic specifically makes me go insane so i'm right there with u lol

ahhh the kisses feel like wounds YES i'm so glad u liked that line the whole question of like how far do we go for love what horrible things are we willing to do for love what pieces of ourselves are we willing to carve up for love....yes yes yes

and the love paragraph ahh that's another one of my favorites i am literally thrilled to hear that it gave u brainrot i am planting mold spores in ur brain and watching them grow >:) and yes the frustration of knowing why characters can't communicate and seeing those walls between them and wishing they could see them too...again i know i wrote it but it gets me every time!!! like they don't want to hurt each other they each just want to leave a mark on the other that no one can take away and they're living in an environment where the only marks left on anyone that can't be erased are from violence and just....yeah. yeah <3

and love as destruction!!! love as a forest fire!!! love as an ocean!!! i am simply obsessed with portrayals of love that contradict the idea that love is a happy ending or something that fixes everything like i love examining love as something dark and violent and dangerous THANK U for rambling to me abt the ch i loved the rambling!!! please feel free to ramble in my inbox anytime i know i'm responding to this a little late so i hope u got some good sleep lol <3

#thtf #the hand that feeds #the hand that feeds spoilers #literally sooooo fun i am so glad u enjoyed the ch so much!!!#ask

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bootlegfrank · 8 months

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Your fondness for bullets is so :’)))))) that was really lovely to read. You articulated it well “The band was born out of a need to exist” that’s beautiful. You know, I actually tend to dislike first albums when compared to an artist’s entire discography and reading that changed my perspective heh RIGHT I forgot to tell you about the song. Is your favorite from bullets, skylines? Or do you have a different bullets fave? I don’t think I’ve actually heard a lot of bullets tbh I need to do an entire album listen through start to finish. As for skylines I listened finally it’s so good!!!!!! HAHAHA me crying during WTTBP while you moshed during it thats funny, I DEFINITELY HAD THE BEST ENERGY IN MY SECTION HEH I always do^.^ omfg about Joe Rogan that man betrayed me as a kid he hosted my favorite reality show at the time so I grew up loving him. And then as an adult I discovered what he became ooffff it was the fucking worst I hate when people turn out to be shitheads

I see you’re really trying to watch Hannibal EEEE that makes me so happyyyyyyyy YAYYYYY we’re watching it together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY our show<3333333333 I can’t wait to talk to you about it. Sm of it I’ll be watching and be like "Frank is gonna be so into this" I wish we could actually watch it together it would be so nice to talk about it and cuddle and I could squeeze your hand at all the icky parts and hide my face in your chest. You would love my reactions this show has me SO reactive. The way this motherfucker kills people is fucking insane every time I think the show can’t shock me anymore somehow something crazy happens again once more. I have seen more organs the past few days than I have my entire life oh my fucking god ITS SO GRAPHIC. And…Will and Hannibal please…."You don’t want me to have anything in my life that’s not you" (Will) "I only want what’s best for you" (Hannibal) OK…..IT REALLY IS US IQIQIWIWISISISISISISISUDUSUSUSU “you’re as alone as I am and we’re both alone without each other” (Will) AKAKSKSJDUDUDUDU ok yeah their dynamic is awakening shit in me I’m gonna throw myself off a cliff having some,,,,thoughts lfmaosksjdjdjdh I’d be so eager to prove myself to you the way it’s fr us like….Hannibal being the one to awaken shit in Will,,,,Hannibal encouraging darker thoughts WKWKQKWKWKSJSJ Hannibal getting him to do stuff OMAAOSOSISISI Will being the one who understands and accepts Hannibal the homoeroticism im going fucking crazyyyy IM FEELING SO INSANE ABOUT THEM NEED WHAT THEY HAVE (except when Hannibal decides to be a fucker like he does sometimes then I have temporary beef with him) I LITERALLY SCREAMED AND BIT MY HAND APPARENTLY HARDER THAN I THOUGHT BC THERES TEETH MARKS NOW. AWE YOU THINK ITS CUTE IM SQUEAMISH? ^.^ STOPPPPP I feel dumb for being like that heh I’m glad you like it. YOUR DRUNK STORY OH MY GOD?????? You really are Hannibal because the way my jaw dropped and I could feel how wide my eyes were when I was reading that omg I’m glad your hand is okay now that sounds painful

AWE tell me about your sims lore I know the people who play it get really into it. I can imagine it’s some nice escapism hehe who do you make in the sims? What do you usually do in the game when you play? RATS OF THE SKY HAHA THEY ARE that’s perfect for you since you love rats so much!!! JACKDAWS ARE SO CUTEEEE YES OMG COCKATOOS AND PARROTS ARE SO SMART!!!!!! They’re so funny too heh. FUCK YEAH I WAS A WARRIOR CATS KIDDDD OMG AKAKSJDJDJ stop us as kids we would’ve gotten along well even back then my heart:’))))) I was a huge reader as a kid haha I spent more time in books than reality. So I had a lot of book series I was really into. Warriors was definitely a fave in elementary school. What was your warrior name hehe what clan were you in? Would you also play it on the playground AKAKSJDJDJDJFUF omg I used to roleplay it on fucking forumssssss

I love being soft and sweet with you you’re the only one who gets that part of me:) So many mornings I wake up all worked up and shit wishing you were here. Perfect conditions for you to touch me in I’d be so pliant and desperate for you<333 God you have me worked up I can’t help myself. I grinded up against my pillow while thinking about you baby. Bit my lip trying to keep my cute little desperate whimpers in but I couldn’t. Not that I tried that hard;) I love making noises for you. You deserve all my pretty noises. I like doing things to that beautiful brain of yours. The way you can’t resist me<33333 very mutual akakskdjjdjdjdjsjshshs you’d be able to see it just from the way I look at you. Would love to just stare at you with utter devotion. The way you’re always so down for my fantasies and shit you’re perfect I’m glad you like it too<33333 it would be so nice. Not having to think. Just feeling how you touch me and whisper in my ear. Paradise. I’ve thought about that before too. You looking down at me while I look up at you and meet your gaze with my big eyes. Trembling in anticipation under you

YES IT IS SO CUTE HOW WE THINK ABOUT EACH OTHER SO OFTEN EEEEEEE omg the hoodie thing is so cute aiaiausydjsjdjdud you in hoodies is the cutest thing ever hehe I’d try to see under your hood and tease you “getting as close to you as i can” dying god I’m so touched starved the fact that just imagining you close makes me fluttery

I think it's very fair to not usually like first albums, especially because most of the time those albums don't have the sound that the band will come to grow into, but I always appreciate them for the place they have in a band's lifetime :] I don't know if I have a favourite to be honest, I've really grown to love Vampires Will Never Hurt You after I learned it was about Gerard's alcoholism, really adds a layer onto it and cements itself firmly in the list of songs I need to cope with things I've been through. I also really love Cubicles, how it seems to take something as silly as a lost office romance and turns it into this heart wrenching thing. I think I have something to say about every song off the album tbh hahaha I love all of them.

Hehe today I managed to watch up until the eleventh episode of the first season! It would be so nice to watch it together, and I'll gladly hold you through all the icky parts <3 I'm enjoying the show a lot already, and oh man, I gasped out loud when I first saw the angels in episode five, I had to pause for a second and gather myself cuz I was just struck by how gorgeous they were. I find a lot of the presentations in Hannibal so pretty, killers meticulously arranging their victims, making a public statement with the bodies, it's a macabre sort of art, just how I like. I love watching Hannibal manipulate Will, love seeing Will catch on but rejecting the notion, love watching Will spiral deeper and deeper. Owh no the teeth marks in your hand! Are you okay darling? Not too badly hurt I hope? <3

I don't really play with the sims I make haha. I love designing households and then making houses for them :] I always try to make my houses looked as lived-in as I can, and I had a lot of fun making a ridiculously big house for my emo cowboy and his two horses and three cats hehe. I was a huge reader too! I loved Warrior Cats and Artemis Fowl and The Mysterious Benedict Society books, and Harry Potter of course (what loner kid didn't xD) in elementary school. I don't think I remember any specifics from my Warrior Cats days, it was a long time ago, but I roleplayed on Scratch and made AMVs and acted the books out on the playground. What did you play as on the playground? I think for us it was just a lot of us cats dying sfhsdjkf.

I touched myself last night thinking of you, thinking about you pliant and soft for me. Thought about what pretty noises you'd make, you trying to muffle them but me making sure I'd get to hear all of them, I want all of you baby. My hands get cold very quick and I'd slide my cold fingers under your shirt, under your shorts, against your flushed skin as I'd whisper in your ear how perfect you're being for me, my cutie <3 Oh man, you getting worked up thinking about what I'd do to you... You'd look so pretty grinding against that pillow, I'd love to watch you do it, my cutie putting on a show for me <3 I'd love to have you looking up at me, I think I'd get lost in your eyes. Feeling you tremble, so pretty for me <3 I don't think there's anything you like that I wouldn't like, and even if I didn't I think you'd change my mind easily <3

I'm so touch starved too sfkjdf thinking about being able to get so close to someone else... Oh man I want it so bad <3

#last night i dreamt about waking up and seeing a message from you and then i woke up and actually had a message from you <3 #.nsft #asks

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crisishauntline · 1 year

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Today was long. It started off very stupidly with only four hours of sleep due to my inexplicable decision to stay up until 5am playing Civ 6. Then I called out from work so I could sleep a little more before going to Oakland to accompany L to her ultrasound appointment. She’s been increasingly anxious about the pain and what might be causing it, and about hospitals and doctors overall, which is more than valid given her history. But I’ve been able to support her in facing those fears so far, and I trust that we’ll make it to the other side.

Today was a bit scary though. They wouldn’t let me be in the room with her like they did last time when it was just a Pap smear, and the technician also couldn’t tell her anything about her results or diagnosis at the time. They posted the results on her patient portal soon after we left, but the notes were really jargon-y and hard to understand. Since she can’t talk to her doctor about them until her doctor calls her, we called my dad and asked him to translate. It turns out she has a mass a bit larger than a baseball pressing her left ovary (the only one she has left), but they won’t be able to tell what exactly it is without doing a laparoscopy/biopsy. He did convey the good news that it’s not blocking any important blood vessels or twisting, and that it’s really unlikely to be cancer given her age. Hearing that helped her anxiety (and mine) a lot. Still, a baseball-sized tumor or cyst is fucking up her life and she will likely need some kind of surgery to get it removed, so the worries and stress will continue for a while longer.

She did really well breathing though the panic today. I can see the toll it takes on her energy, but I can also tell that I’m helping her stay strong. I checked in with her again before she went to bed to see if there was a post-sundown nosedive, but aside from some teariness she sounded positive.

I was glad to hear her ground herself in two truths:

1) She’s not crazy and does know when something is wrong and unbearable in her own body

2) This process will eventually end with her feeling better.

I told her I was proud to have witnessed her harnessing her bravery and self-advocacy, and affirmed her for unlearning her default response to suffering—to grin and bear it alone and in silence. I have seen her grow so much when it comes to taking her own needs and pain seriously. I love and admire her so much.

Yesterday we played We’re Not Really Strangers and came to the question “In what ways, big or small, have I changed your worldview?” I really struggled to think of a single thing, and was very dissatisfied with my eventual answer. She was clearly disappointed by it too. I felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t even articulate the core thesis of her show, which I’ve seen now at least four times. All I could manage was a barely coherent and extremely vague string of fragments, some merely describing what her job is and some waxing poetic/woo-woo about a general sense of wonder and Interconnectedness. She said it made her feel she must be missing something from her show for me to not have even remembered her thesis, let alone take it into my worldview. She even tried to re-explain it to me—that humans and our observations of the universe through science are not separate from the universe; we are how the universe thinks about learns about itself. That sentence struck me as fascinating and very poetic, but to be honest I still felt confused about what it actually means to her, or should mean to me. I also struggled to remember her saying anything close to that in the show but mostly remember it being straightforward facts with a concluding reflection on how astronomy is for everyone—“all you need is a night sky,” or something to that effect. So maybe that larger point is missing. Or maybe I haven’t been listening right.

I’ve continued racking my brain trying to come up with the “right” answer to the game’s question. One that at least makes her feel seen in some way, even if not in this most important one. Today I tried articulating a different idea: her ability to notice, seek out, love, and find meaning in the “little weirds” of existence, no matter what. When I am depressed I so easily slip into distorted, dissociative negative generalizations about what existence is and what it has to offer. I forget that life can always surprise me. Even when it’s impossible to find or feel joy, there are still countless strange and fascinating little facts, experiences, and works of art to remind you that you don’t actually know everything about life and therefore must re-examine your judgement that life is pointless. Or you may be right about the pointlessness, but wrong to discount the richness of pointless existence. So you may as well stick around to learn and be surprised some more. Some prime illustrations of this trait:

1) The tumblr status she made when we were broken up (“My ex-girlfriend broke my heart so now I’m devoting my life to becoming an eccentric kook").

2) Her readily responding to my long, overthought text about how we could spend time together again by suggesting we make crop circles.

I’m not sure if this answer made her feel seen in the way she wanted. I hoped to offset her disappointment from last night, but I think even if this second answer were perfect on its own, the fact that the first one is still unresolved leaves a melancholy taste in the mouth. Oh well. I still meant it and think it’s a at least a decent answer.

Her answer to the question, for the record, was how I had challenged her to broaden her mindset about religion and spirituality. And hey, I worked hard on that one so I was happy to hear it. On the other hand, I don’t actually feel the need to change her worldview. I told her I like the way she thinks and enjoy when she shares it with me. I just want her to not automatically hate others’ worldviews that include religion/spirituality. But I suppose that is still a change in worldview, if not in belief.

Anyway, it’s late and I’m exhausted. There’s one last thing I want to add though: I made a drawing of her that I’m actually proud of. Admittedly, this is what I did all yesterday instead of my job, which is not ideal. But I really enjoyed making it and surprising myself with a much better-than-expected result!

#personal #love life

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marauderundercover · 2 years

Text

How We Fell: Ch. 8

Day 8: Hurt

AO3

Marinette drops into her seat, slouching down from exhaustion. She’d been up late the last two nights, communicating with Red Robin. Apparently, Batman had left the flash drive in the computer and Red Robin found it. He had thoughts, and was super helpful. She honestly didn’t mind talking to the guy, but she’d found out that neither of them were very good at the whole sleep schedule thing. That, on top of Tikki’s continual meetings with Plagg and the other kwami. She wasn’t sure what the meetings were about, but she had always struggled with sleeping without Tikki there. It always left her too anxious.

“Morning Mari!” Adrien says happily. Marinette sighs tiredly, and glances up, only to squeal excitedly at the two in front of her. Adrien and Jon were standing, matching grins on their faces and hands intertwined.

“When did this happen?” She asks, jumping up and wrapping the two in a big hug before jumping back and gesturing frantically. Gotham Academy had only been in Paris for a little over a week, but she had known from the moment she met Jon that he and Adrien would be great together. She just didn’t expect it to happen so fast.

“Yesterday, actually.” Jon says, his face bright red.

“I’m happy for you guys.” She says, Adrien grins, and pulls her into a side hug.

“Thanks Mari.” He says softly, squeezing her tightly. Marinette just grins at her friend before taking a step back, smirking.

“Does Damian know?” Marinette asks, almost hoping that he didn’t so that she could tease him about it later.

“That Kent and Agreste are hopeless romantics? Yes.” His familiar voice calls out from the doorway. Marinette sighs in defeat, but still grins at him.

“I don’t know, I think it’s kind of romantic! I mean, they probably never would’ve met if it wasn’t for the pen pal program. It’s such a great story for them to tell one day.” She says, a dopey smile falling onto her face. She’d always been a hopeless romantic herself, and she couldn’t help but hope that one day, she would have someone who loved her like Adrien so obviously loved Jon. Or, maybe not love. Not yet. But he obviously cared about him in a way that wasn’t platonic. And she wanted that too, with someone.

“I was not aware that you were also a hopeless romantic.” Damian says, his lips twitching up slightly. Marinette blushes furiously.

“Uh, yeah. I just, um, so I was-” She stumbles over her words, cursing Red Robin and her crappy sleep schedule. She’d always struggled with articulating her thoughts when she was tired.

“Marinette is the most hopeless of romantics,” Alya adds, joining the conversation. Marinette feels her anxiety spike. If Alya decided to say something about her Adrien phase, she wasn’t sure what would happen. A whole lot of awkwardness, that was definitely guaranteed.

“Als, please don’t.” She quietly begs. Alya huffs.

“But who can focus on romance with that test in math today.” Alya says, redirecting the conversation. Marinette lets out a breath. She did not have the energy to talk about how crazy she could be when she had a crush. Not today, anyway. (not that she ever wanted to talk about it near Damian. She definitely did not).

“I’m kinda glad I’ll be missing that.” Adrien says with a laugh. “I forgot all about it.”

“Is your shoot at the park?” Marinette asks, knowing that that had always been one of Gabriel’s favorite places. His nose scrunches and he huffs.

“No. He’s making me take the train to London. And my Aunt and Felix are apparently going to spend the evening with me after my shoot, so I don’t even get to come back immediately.” He sighs. He glances at the clock, eyes widening. “Gotta go, gonna be late. Bye guys!” He calls, kissing Jon’s cheek quickly as he runs out of the class. Marinette just grins. Her best friend was a dork.

---

Pain. That was the only thing that Marinette could register. Taking in a shuddering breath, she swings onto the roof and manages to stumble behind the air conditioner. She leans up against it, wincing from the pain in her leg. The akuma, who hadn’t given a name (they’d instead spent most of their time throwing things at her or civilians. She was able to get out of the way in time. The civilians, on the other hand…) had managed to break one of her legs, and stab her shoulder with some sharp piece of metal. The pain was overwhelming, her powers already weak from her lack of sleep, and no sign of Chat Noir. Carapace was stretched thin, trying to protect as many children as he could. They’d agreed long ago that children were the priority when it came to akumas that tried to kill people. Yes, they would be revived with the Cure, but it was still harder for the children to deal with the trauma that came with dying and being brought back. Not that she liked that any of her citizens had to deal with it. She hated watching them die. Knowing she couldn’t stop it. Marinette sways slightly on her feet, clenching her eyes shut as she tries to get the world to stop spinning.

“Ladybug! Are you okay?” Superboy’s voice rings across the rooftop. Marinette opens her eyes, glancing at her friend. Even though she hadn’t expected to see him, she still felt like she shouldn’t be surprised. After all, Jon was a great person. It just made sense that he would want to help even though he was definitely not supposed to be in Paris right now. But the person standing next to Jon, makes her blink in confusion.

“Robin?” She asks, stunned. What was he doing here? Wasn’t he supposed to be in Gotham? Why was he in Paris?

“Ladybug.” He says with a terse nod. “Superboy and I have come to offer our assistance.” He adds. Pushing down the crazy conspiracies spiraling through her head, she nods gratefully.

“We need to-” She starts, trying to stand straight up. She stumbles slightly, clenching her jaw. Superboy glances at her up and down, a frown appearing on his usually cheery face.

“You’re hurt.” He says stiffly. She huffs out a laugh.

“The akuma is a pain in the ass that doesn’t care who they hurt. They’re too focused on just causing as much pain and destruction as they can. Of course I’m hurt.” She says, a humorless smirk on her face. It was easier to throw out fake smiles and laughs instead of letting the horror of the situation actually sink in.

“You should definitely be resting. Your leg is completely shattered, and there’s something wrong with your shoulder too.” Superboy points out.

“Oh, yeah, I was stabbed.” Ladybug says with a shrug.

“Oh my god!” Superboy yells, throwing his hands up. “What is with you people?” He huffs. She frowns, glancing at Robin.

“Tt. I believe Superboy is referring to the time that I was stabbed on patrol and did not request backup nor medical assistance.” Robin fills her in. She grins, and nods at him.

“He gets it.” She says to Superboy, smirking at the frustrated groan he lets out. It was fun to pick on him, even if he didn’t know she was Marinette.

“What can we do to help?” Robin asks, and Ladybug feels as though a weight had been lifted. None of the plans she’d come up with thus far could be done with just one person. Now though…

“Here’s what we need to do.”

---

Ladybug smiles at the little butterfly as it flies out of her yoyo, circling once around her, bumping into her head. She blinks, confusion coursing through her. Why was the butterfly acting like that? She frowns as it turns and flies away, once again acting like the butterfly she was used to. Not whatever friendly thing it had become for half a second. Maybe it was the addition of Superboy and Robin that made the butterfly act up? Sucking in a deep breath, she throws her lucky charm into the air and calls on her Cure. Her lips twitch into a smile as she watches the awe on Superboy’s face. The ladybugs flit around her gently, helping her just enough. Enough so that she wouldn’t have to go to the hospital for her shoulder, but not quite enough to completely heal her leg. She’d probably be on crutches for a couple of weeks, but at least it wasn’t completely shattered anymore. Walking over to Robin and Superboy (who had moved across the roof), she sticks out a hand for a shake.

“Why didn’t the cure work on you?” Superboy asks, worry flitting across his face. She bites her lip, trying to think and figure out how much he needed to know. Letting out a sigh, she decides that it won’t hurt to give details. She knew Jon, she trusted him. She’d just have to try to learn to trust Superboy too.

“It worked, it just doesn’t work as well on me. Not when there are already so many people injured.” She says with a sigh. He frowns.

“That’s not fair.” He huffs.

“Life is rarely fair, Superboy.” Robin says, sounding much older than he looks. Marinette nods at him.

“Besides, I’m used to it. I’ll wear a splint or use crutches or something for a couple weeks. It’ll be fine.” She reassures them.

“Do you need assistance in getting to a hospital?” Robin asks. She shakes her head.

“Uh, no, that’s definitely not a great idea. I’ll be fine.” She says. Neither boy seems happy about it, but eventually, she manages to convince them to let her leave. The second she drops into her room, she lets her transformation fall. The loss of magic makes her leg give out on her. She hisses in pain as she collapses to the ground. So maybe her leg was worse than she originally thought.

“Are you okay, Marinette?” Tikki asks. Marinette sighs.

“Yeah, I just- I think I actually need to go to the hospital with this one.” She says, frowning. She was about to let her identity be compromised just because she couldn’t dodge that stupid car.

“You’re overthinking something.” Tikki says flatly, a small frown on their face. Marinette huffs.

“I’m scared that this will let people connect the dots about my identity.” She says quietly. Tikki’s twinkling laughter rings through the room, and Marinette glares at her friend. “You’re not helpful.” She huffs out.

“Oh, Marinette, no, I’m sorry. I just forgot. They can’t put it together, unless you want them to.” They say softly. Marinette furrows her eyebrows as she runs through everything in her head, trying to see if Tikki had been telling the truth. She scoffs, sitting back on her chaise. She’d almost ruined so many relationships, trying to keep this from them.

“Of course. Any ideas on how we should go about this?” Marinette asks. Tikki hums.

“You’re not gonna like it.” Tikki says softly.

“Just say it.” Marinette says tiredly. All she wanted to do was take some pain medicine and go to bed. The sooner she slept, the sooner she could pretend that he leg didn’t hurt this much.

“Fall down your stairs. It’s the only way to make your parents not suspicious, especially since you need a cast.” Tikki says with a sigh. Marinette snorts. Of course her tiny friend could xray her. Why not?

“Check to see if anyone’s in the apartment for me?” Marinette asks. Tikki nods and zips out of the room. A few moments later, Tikki flies back in with a grin on their face.

“Coast is clear!” They say. Marinette grabs her backpack and throws a bunch of sketchbooks in it, textbooks, anything heavy. And not easily broken. Once she feels the bag is heavy enough, she tosses it down the stairs, letting it fall to the ground with a huge thud. Marinette hobbles down into the apartment and grabs the bag, tossing it up into her room. Just as her mom comes in to check on her, Marinette winces.

“I think I broke something.” She says, her voice wobbly. She’d had to learn how to lie and act when this whole thing started. It came in handy sometimes. Like now.

“Oh honey, are you okay? Should we go to the hospital?” Her mom asks. Marinette nods, reminding herself to breathe as her mother takes her to the hospital. Things were fine. It was fine. And soon, hopefully, there would be no more akumas. She would no longer have to worry about injuries that couldn’t be hidden, or bailing on plans at the last minute. She could just be Marinette.

Permanent tag list: @stainedglassm @kittenmywaythrulife @laydeekrayzee @doll246 @queenz-z @deathssilentapproach-blog @literaryhiraeth @unoriginalmess @crazylittlemunchkin

Story tag list: @kking13 @jayjayspixiepop @ritacrow-blog @fangirlingfanatic @basenikon @toodaloo-kangaroo @maribat-calendar-events @hammalammadamdam @kittyditzydancer

#maribat #maribat marinette dupain cheng #maribat damian wayne #maribat fanfiction #maribat fanfic #maribat ao3 fic #daminettedec21 #daminette #maribat superboy #maribat jon kent #adrijon #maribat adrien agreste #maribat nino lahiffe #maribat alya #carapace #chat noir

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lovebecomeshim · 3 years

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hello! your zutara posting today has finally motivated me to ask this question because I came to atla very late(last year, to be specific) and I Love It Very Much but am 1000% out of the loop as far as why what remains of fandom (at least that I've seen among my friends) is so very strongly zutara. I'm not opposed to it per se I just don't really know what has driven it to apparently be such a popular ship? can you help me understand and maybe convert me a little bit?

Hey!! Your ICON! :D I can try but I’m not sure how coherent I’ll be; however I AM sure someone a lot more competent will be willing to add to this. Either way, I’m glad you asked because my plan was to drag down as many people as possible with me.

*smacks the hood of zutara* this baby can fit so much mutual love and support!

This got so long, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to put it under a cut on mobile and it already got deleted once so I’m scared to mess with it lol. Moving on.

I’m gonna start this with a disclaimer that im on mobile so formatting is tricky and I’m also really new to atla in that I only completed my first watch through in like 2019??? So some of my info is all just based on what I’ve picked up from Discourse 👀 so anyway the sparknotes version: zutara was wildly popular from the beginning. To the point where the atla crew internally disagreed on which ship should be endgame. (Ex. Bryke [showrunners] asked the writers to rewrite The Southern Raiders to make Zuko seem less ideal for Katara than Aang [which failed, depending on who you ask]; the animation team purposefully created a visual parrallel between Oma and Shu in the Cave of Two Lovers and Zuko and Katara in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se in the Crossroads of Destiny; etc.)

The ship was popular enough that Bryke actually chose to display zk fanart at a con for the sole purpose of mocking the fans, but that’s neither here nor there. The entire episode Ember Island Players, while a love letter to/parody of the whole show, was an opportunity to address zutara’s viability as a canon pairing (while, again, mocking zutaras for romanticizing that catacombs scene). Point is! It’s always been popular but with it not being endgame, there’s got to be something that’s given it staying power.

And that’s honestly got to do with three things: their dynamic, thematic cohesion, and potential.

(You know what... you know what, it’s four things. The fourth is they’re so aesthetically pleasing together and individually. Like, they’re just good looking people [specifically when they’re grown but they’re also cute kids] and that absolutely doesn’t hurt) (but it’s not the Point, it’s just nice to point out sometimes)

The dynamic is hard to get into without also looking at the canon pairings, but I think I can do that without unnecessary bashing. It’s just that part of the magic of zutara is really highlighted by what they give to each other that their other relationships don’t.

First off, it’s classic enemies to (would be) lovers. The absolute truest form of it. It’s not too different from how CS started out: a rogue antagonist with a job to do—but no personal vendetta against the future love interest—who is deeply and emotionally invested in his personal storyline (revenge/redemption) with little regard for how it effects other people after his entire life and genuine good nature are marred by suffering, and a fierce warrior girl with a strong moral compass and her own personal investment in stopping him (protect her family and save the world doing it). Obviously frustration and animosity grew between them by the nature of them being on opposing sides, but that just lends itself to the sweetness of their later reconciliation.

The thing is that while they’re wildly different on the surface (he’s a hot-headed prince of a fascist regime who is trying to capture the Avatar to please his father; she’s a nurturing daughter of the chief who is trying to protect and train the Avatar in order to topple his father’s throne) they find out that they have so much more in common both in their experiences and their personalities.

(What follows is an excessive use of the word “both” and I’m sorry about that)(I can edit it. I can do that. That IS an option............)

They both have an innate sense of justice that they are determined to see done (zuko, at the war meeting, sticking up for the Earth Kingdom kid when the guards torment his family, choosing not to steal from the pregnant couple despite his circumstances, abiding by his word to leave the SWT should Aang come willingly, etc.; katara, literally.... at any point). They both have pretty one-track minds at accomplishing certain goals once they’ve put their mind to it, regardless of a lack of support in that endeavor (it goes without saying I guess, but zuko’s entire hunt; katara’s determination to get the earth benders to fight back, her determination to absolutely destroy Pakku until he agrees to teach her, etc.). They both lost their mothers at young ages. Their worlds are war-torn and traumatizing to them both, if in different ways, but that ultimately forces them to grow up too quickly to be wholly independent individuals. They both have issues with their fathers (for WILDLY different reasons, but). They both hold extreme prejudices that they need to learn to overcome (which ties into thematic cohesion)(bit like Lizzie and Darcy in that way but magnified by a million). They’re both extremely emotional and empathetic—which can and often does result in loud outbursts. Katara’s a bit better adjusted and can temper her anger for longer than S1 Zuko can, but they both feel that anger deeply and have no compunctions expressing it (Katara is, usually, more justified, particularly in S1. Again, S1 Zuko is severely maladjusted but at the point when they could’ve feasibly become a couple, he’s so much better off with the way he carries himself). They both struggle with feelings of inferiority in their bending abilities when confronted with prodigal benders like Aang and Azula, but have the work ethic required to double down and become two of the most powerful benders in the three remaining nations. This is a little more minor but it is a parrallel that appeals to some shippers that they both have these alter egos in the Painted Lady (notably fire nation coded) and the Blue Spirit (water tribe coded) that are pretty different from who they are day-to-day and are useful in accomplishing a purpose that they as themselves cannot.

(I’m.... I just realized that this could potentially get very long. Should I have made a slide show with bullet points??????)

Anyway, similar. I know there’s more but there’s literally so much to love about zutara that I’ll drive myself a little crazy trying to compile all the ways they’re similar. (Just gonna say that at this exact moment I went back to add more similarities.... so okay then)

Once they’ve reconciled, we see how all of these things only lend themselves to a deeper intimacy together than they share with literally anyone else. There’s a steady partnership that positions them as the mom/dad of the gaang, while also providing the support necessary to allow the other to not have to carry so much responsibility. A lot of zutaras will point out how zuko is actually depicted doing the more domestic chores that are normally relegated to Katara once he joins the gaang, since the others in the group are two 12-year-olds and sokka. The one that sticks out the most is how he makes tea for the group and then serves them, while Katara is able to just relax with her friends around the fire. Fanon expands upon this a lot to Zuko helping with the laundry or the cooking or whatever else needs doing since he, as a once-refugee, is used to doing his own domestic tasks. Before Zuko joined, Katara was the one mothering everyone, sewing for them, cooking for them, etc. She’s always tending to the needs of the group, and that includes emotionally. She does the emotional labor for the gaang 99% of the time, but when she’s the one falling apart, she’s usually doing it alone and without the comfort that she normally provides for others. Until Zuko. And that’s before they’re even friends.

Which is WHY people romanticize the catacombs of Ba Sing Se so much. Katara is verbally attacking Zuko out of her own righteous anger but also her own prejudice when Zuko, surprisingly, chooses to be vulnerable with her. He’s been on a journey that’s opened his eyes a bit, but he’s never actively chosen to expose the rawest parts of his past to anyone. But for some reason he chooses to do that with Katara of all people. While she’s yelling at him. He sees her humanity, and for once can look past his prejudice and empathize with her. And this time, when she breaks down, she gets to be comforted. Katara normally talks about her mother when she’s trying to explain to someone else that she sees and understands they’re pain, as a form of comfort to them. Here, Zuko uses the exact same tactic. He sees her and he understands. And for zuko? He’s not being shut down. He’s allowed to articulate his pain regarding his mother without being ignored and made to internalize it, and he’s allowed to process how he feels about his scar out loud without being told that he deserved it. And then he lets her touch his scar, something we’ve seen him actively avoid before. He’s completely open to her and she’s completely open to him and all it took was one five minute conversation. She was about to use the little bit of Spirit water that she had, that she was saving for something Important, to heal the scar that still daily causes him pain just because they had, somehow, connected.

Plus there’s the whole parallel to the star-crossed lovers forbidden from one another, a war divides their people—

And then zuko messes up, he regresses, he gets what he wants and he HATES it. And the sense of justice he had as a child has been restored to him against his will and he can’t think of anything he wants to do more than the Right Thing, so he joins team avatar. Before he does that though, we get to see his relationship with Mai, which is where comparison really comes in. And what we see is Zuko, fresh off of his encounter with Katara in the catacombs, trying to be emotionally honest with Mai... and getting shut down and dismissed. Which is just how Mai is and it’s fine, but not for Zuko. Still, he keeps trying, and he keeps getting ignored or scoffed at or yelled at. Which is really a larger symbol for how he doesn’t fit in his old life anymore, but again that’s about thematic cohesion. He tries to articulate his anxieties about returning home, he tries to make romantic gestures, he tries to explain how morally conflicted he’s feeling—and Mai diverts to some kind of physical affection to shut him up and a parting comment that is pretty much always, in essence, “I don’t wanna talk about this.” So they don’t. On the other hand, once zuko and Katara are friends, we see him again emotionally distraught and caught up in his anxieties about facing Iroh, and it’s Katara who comes to him and listens to him and comforts and encourages him.

Similarly, we have Aang clamming up and getting uncomfortable whenever Katara shows any negative emotion, usually resulting in him making excuses or running away. Or, in the case of the Southern Raiders, lecturing her on how she needs to just let go of her anger about her mother’s murder. People have talked this episode to death and usually better than I ever could, so imma... keep it brief. There’s a serious disconnect between Aang and Katara in his ability to empathize with Katara and her needs that has her tamping down her vulnerability and amping up her anger. He tells her that he was able to forgive his people’s genocide and appa’s kidnapping (petnapping? Theft??), which is blatantly not true but also not an entirely equal parrallel to Katara’s situation, and continues making these little remarks throughout the episode. But it’s Zuko that Katara opens up to. It’s with him that she’s able to talk about the most traumatic day of her life, and it’s with him that she’s able to get the closure she needs, cementing their bond as friends and partners. This disagreement between Aang and Katara is then... never resolved. They just never bring it up and hear what the other is saying.

There’s a fic called The Portraits of Ember Island that has a line that so completely sums up the heart of the matter for why people love their dynamic. For context, zuko has woken up early to help Katara with the cooking and they spend the whole time just letting one another talk, and zuko stops to ask why she always just lets him talk. And so she stops to ask why he’s always helping, and it goes as follows:

There’s just... so much mutual support! Trust! Intimacy!! And it just continues like that from the Southern Raiders on, listening to each other, advising each other, watching each other’s backs! And then! Literally saving each other’s lives!! I will never be over the last Agni kai. Not ever. Zuko may have been willing to jump in front of lightning for anyone, but he actually did it for Katara. And in a show, that’s the thing that really matters. It’s a fulfilled trope usually exclusively applied to romantic pairings, and it ended up applying to Zuko and Katara. And then she ran out into the middle of a fight with tunnel vision just to get to him.

Also!! Also Zuko pushing Katara out of the way of the falling rocks at the Western Air Temple!! And Katara catching him as he fell from the war balloon that he fought Azula on!! Before they’re even getting along, they’re the ones reaching for each other. They come to this place of equal ground, as partners, who watch each other’s backs, call each other out but still listen attentively and understand, and provide the support that the other has been sorely lacking up until they knew each other (whether that be from lack of effort or lack of understanding from others, or an unwillingness to accept it for themselves).

Then, trailing along under the surface of this, we see the themes of the show totally embodied by Zuko and Katara as individuals and in their relationship to one another. There’s a YouTuber, sneezyreviews, who has a, like, 2-hour explanation on why she not only loves zutara but also believes that their endgame would’ve actually elevated the writing of atla to new levels particularly because of thematic cohesion and resolved character arcs. It’s the zutara dissertation I never knew I needed, and it’s funny and eloquent and effective, so I’m just going to sum up her section on thematic cohesion to the best of my abilities and then link it for whenever you have the time. And I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you want a full understanding of what makes zutara so great and gives it such longevity.

Guru pathik has a line that goes something like this: separation is an illusion; things that seem different are just two parts of the same whole. Iroh also tells Zuko something similar: balance and strength are achieved when the different nations come together and influence one another and celebrate what makes them each unique. And this lesson is a massive central arc that both Zuko and Katara go through, moving past a black-and-white, good guys-vs-bad guys, us-vs-them mentality and into a greyer, more nuanced view of the world. Zuko sees the fire nation from an entirely new perspective and while he still loves and hopes for his nations future, he surrenders his blind loyalty to them in exchange for an unflinching loyalty to peace and love. Katara too had to come to terms with the fact that cruel people exist in the earth kingdom and water tribes, while some fire nation citizens are just regular, kind people who also need and deserve to have someone speak on their behalf. And this is honed in directly on how they view each other. They grow in their individual journeys to be open to the humanity in the other and then, once they’ve found that, they’re able to grow more in compassion for others in a beautiful feedback loop. And this is all matched in the symbolism repeatedly and intentionally associated with them in canon: sun and moon, fire and water, yin and yang, Oma and Shu who found love despite their warring nations. Their individual arcs are completed in each other and complement the themes of atla beautifully.

The canon pairs... just don’t. Which, again, is fine. But the very things that give atla longevity and popularity are anchored in zutara. Kat@ang doesn’t accomplish this. They’re... nice. Sweet. Especially when you erase a good portion of their interactions in S3. It could’ve been just a sweet love story. (Personally, the dynamic between toph and aang accomplish the same thing that zutara does, with complementary personalities that fulfill the theme of opposites blending in harmony) M@iko, on the other hand, is less sweet but I think wasn’t even supposed to last. Zuko’s relationship with Mai seems to represent his relationship with his old life as a whole. He can’t be emotionally vulnerable, he’s goaded into abusing his privileges, his agency and opinions aren’t respected. They just don’t have common ground with which to discuss anything that matters, so they don’t. As far as themes, the relationship doesn’t fit with atla. It’s zuko returning to and sticking with what is (on the surface) like him, what’s expected. Fire nation with fire nation. Fluid water bender with the flexible air bender. Like with like, separated from what is different and challenging and complementary.

And all of these things combined of course lead to the potential for the ship. I don’t know how familiar you are with the post-atla canon but... well, miss “I will never turn my back on people who need me”, miss “I don’t want to heal! I want to fight!” ends up living quietly in the SWT as a designated healer who turns a blind eye to the water tribe civil war happening right outside her front door. Which can be fine! People change! Some people just wanna stay inside. I just wanna stay inside! But the potential future for zutara is so much more satisfying, with Katara becoming the most unconventional Fire Lady the uppity old cads who are stuck on the old ways have ever seen. Fanon has her serving as a voice for the other nations within a kingdom at the point of its biggest political upheaval, as a confidante to Zuko who can actually help him while he’s trying to figure out how to move forward and make reparations. They have the opportunity, together, to accomplish what they both have set on their hearts to fight for: positive change that lends itself to harmony and balance. And the steambabies! A popular headcanon is that their firstborn daughter, the crown princess, is actually a waterbender, which causes such an uproar among the people who are adamantly clinging to the old ways. It’s just a future full of potential to be forces for good together, full of trust, intimacy, joy. The exact era of peace and love and balance that zuko announces that he intends to ring in with the start of his reign as Fire Lord is, again, magnified by the very personal zutara relationship. And we love to see it.

tl;dr zutara isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t vibe with it. Some are nostalgic. Some love the canon they grew up with. Some have been disappointed for years. Some just see themselves in other characters and want their happiness instead. Whatever the reason, that’s fine. But for me, I love the way these two, from the moment they give each other a fair chance, are able to lower their walls and prejudices to see the other for the kindred spirits they are. They see each other’s humanity, and their response is to pour out love and support and compassion. I love that they’re a power couple in battle. I love the symbolism and, honestly, soulmatism that colors their every interaction. I love that they embody the whole storyline of atla in their relationship and how it develops, which is notably why their seasonal arcs always culminate in each finale with how they relate to one another. I love that zuko adopting a waterbending move is what actually saves his life and then katara’s. I love the chemistry! And I love the future they could’ve had, instead of the ones they were given.

So, in conclusion: I just think they’re neat and I hope you do too, at least a little bit. Even if it’s just respectfully from a disinterested distance cause you do you. And now here is the video I mentioned. I’m sorry this post got so long and then I gave you an even longer homework assignment, but I can’t recommend it enough. She says it all better than I can.

youtube

#zutara #atla #zutara rant #like really the way the canon relationships were written throughout s3 #it would’ve been more believable for zutara to happen #or at least be hinted at #all of the major issues presented in those relationship were dug up extensively and then... never resolved #and then they just slapped some kisses on a screen and said ‘there all better’#and we just kinda had to say ‘oh ok guess it’s all better then’#this got long I’m sorry #I wrote it all out and then tumblr ate 2/3 of it #which is why it took so long #and what I’ve written now doesn’t even match what I had before #because there’s too much to say about why I love zutara #and the stuff I left out the first time is what came out this time #rip to my original thoughts but this post is different #anyway that’s why this took so long #and I should’ve just made a PowerPoint...#I can do that too if you’d rather not read all of this lol #I won’t be offended #this is incoherent #Alia rambles uselessly #also hoping this doesn’t end up in any wrong tags because I don’t wanna step on toes lol #it’s not anti!! it’s just critical #in a compare/contrast way #I can pinpoint the moment when I started trying to rewrite my points from memory #because everything gets shorter and more succinct #like... I really said all that??? sounds fake and I don’t remember it anyway so here’s the condensed version #with no!! smooth!!! transitions!!!!#also why am I so lazy with proper grammar over text

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summerhermitwinterscholar · 3 years

Text

A Misunderstanding and A Kiss

"Penelope…." Luke shook his head as he started to grin. "It wasn't me who said it." The fiery tech specialist narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms as she leaned forward. She was not the one for patience. In her mind it didn’t matter who said what, it was the fact it was uttered in the first place. Him pointing out her logical fallacy wasn't helping.

"Listen Newbie, a kiss would never happen between us. It just wouldn't be possible. Meddling backwards sheriff." She whipped back around and walked toward her desk. Her statement perked Luke's interest as he moved forward into her office, as if his actions were not his own, and shut the door behind him. This had all began earlier when the team was gearing up to start a day filled with paperwork and research for potential cases. Coffee and donuts in the briefing room was always a great way to kick off such a long day… police officers were not the only ones with a particular taste for them. No sooner than the box of donuts had been opened than Rossi felt the need to share a message from Dalton's sheriff who they helped with a serial killer a few days ago. While the team found Rossi's words hilarious, Penelope did not.

************************************************************************************** "Did you know," Rossi brought everyone's attention to him as he reached for his coffee. "That the county sheriff from Dalton gave me a message to pass along to one Agent Alvez?" His brow raised and a small smile brought out the mischievous undertone to his words.

"I have a message?" Despite the jovial cadence to Rossi's words, Luke was still unsure why they would have a message for him. He couldn't imagine why a message would need relayed unless it was to voice a complaint. Everyone hung on Rossi's next words. Luke found himself beginning to fidget.

"Oh all is well my boy, this particular message I found… enlightening. In fact, I am curious to see what you have to say-"

"My dear sweet Rossi, please! What is this message!" With a surprising amount of care shining through her words, Penelope voiced what everyone was thinking. She could not endure Rossi skirting around the subject. She could only imagine the curiosity building in Luke as well if his fingers tapping on the table weren't enough of an indicator.

Rossi chucked and looked over at Luke. "Alright, the sheriff was very impressed with Agent Alvez's work, however he was curious why he used his work phone to bicker with his wife. He said in polite terms he thought that the Bureau should be aware and Agent Alvez should be encouraged to use his personal phone for personal calls, preferably not in the middle of a case either."

At this the whole team sat quiet while Rossi just grinned like the devil himself had offered him a fiddle. For a room full of profilers none of them could have anticipated that sort of message from the sheriff. What made it more confusing is that none of them used a work phone: they usually used their personal cells for communication on a case. All sensitive information came across on their tablets.

"This seems obvious, but Luke isn't married." Reid supplied. Everyone was confused.

"Luke, are you seeing someone?" Emily questioned trying to make sense of the message, Luke was quick to reply.

"No, gosh, no… I don't know why he would think that. I mean I don’t have a work phone… and I don’t call anyone on cases?" Luke was set at ease with the fact it wasn't too harsh of a reprimand and was trying to connect who the sheriff thought he was talking to. The only person any of the team members called frequently while on a case was Garcia.

"I didn't think so." Rossi's grin widened, "That is why I informed the sheriff that he had nothing to worry about and that you were just in communication with our lovely tech specialist. What I found hilarious was his words after that. He said, and I quote 'Well then the boy should put a ring on whoever his Garcia is. If he is going to work so hard to appease her, he might as well get a kiss or two for it.' end quote." At this the entire team started laughing while Penelope jaw dropped open. She personally was a little upset for the poor sheriff's view on marriage, but even more so Rossi had just brought the image of her kissing Luke to the forefront of her mind. Her imaginative mind that was harmlessly flirtatious on a good day and on a bad… she glanced over at Luke and immediately the two made eye contact. He just smiled, his infuriately charming smile, and turned to Rossi.

"The sheriff did seem like a smart man. He could have gone into business with that advice." Luke set the team off laughing again. Penelope tried to join in but what was meant to be a laugh was actually a disgruntled huff. Luke's gaze flew back to her at the sound but the conversation was already moving on. Before long it was time to dive into the work day and Penelope headed back to her office with Luke in toe. He could tell his joy-filled coworker, the same one that gave him hell day to day, needed him to check in. He could almost hear her mind thinking.

*************************************************************************************

"And why couldn't we kiss?" Luke was speaking before his mind could filter his words. Lord, he had meant to make sure Penelope didn't hold this against him and it seemed he was now on a one man mission to make it worse. Penelope had just reached her chair as his words prompted her to face him once again. Unease settled into her chest as she struggled to reply.

"Well Newbie," She paused as she let her whirling mind calm enough to formulate a cohesive sentence. Her hand arched into the air, "we couldn't kiss because, ah, because we wouldn't be able to stop laughing. I mean you kiss me? It just… well you know what I mean."

Luke raised his eyebrow, "Laughing, huh? That's usually not my style."

"I mean us Luke. I mean you and me. We couldn't even last a minute." Penelope almost groaned in annoyance. Now Luke just wanted to be infuriating. And a minute? Lord they wouldn't even make it to the kiss.

"You're wrong."

"What?."

"You're wrong Penny." Penelope's whirling mind stuttered to a rest. Her thoughts were frozen "I bet you we could. In fact, I challenge you to it. Then you'll know you're wrong."

Penelope was trapped. Part of her was still threatening shock, part of her was feeling very competitive, and part of her (a larger portion than she would admit) wondered what it would be like to kiss him. As crazy as is was.

"Okay," Penelope forced her mind to stop thinking as she walked over to Luke. She was confident his words held no real bite behind him. If he could play cool so could she. "Okay, Husband, try and kiss me."

Penelope let her words take on a mocking tone as she referenced the false assumption of the sheriff earlier. What she didn't know was the small kick to the chest her words inflicted on Luke. Husband. That word floated off of Penelope's lips and stole a breath from him. As she was drawing close there was a part of him stretching awake. A primal one that felt protective and on fire and couldn't stop seeking her eyes. The same part of him that followed after her to check in, yet this time it was somehow larger and deeper in ways he couldn’t articulate. He didn't have the time too. Penelope was walking toward him, a teasing smile firmly in place. He wanted to take that smirk off her face. He wanted to kiss that smile of her face.

So he did.

Just as Penelope got within a few feet of him, he reached out and planted a hand firmly on her side. He jerked her toward him. She fit snug against his broad chest. He felt the curve of her breasts, which were now pushed up turning Penelope's modest work dress into a more scandalous piece. He felt her breathing change as he caught her eye. The smirk was still there but her eyes… her eyes were wide with desire and uncertainty.

He twisted them around, one arm around her waist, and another reaching up toward her head as he pushed her back against the door. Then his lips were on hers. His hand was cradling her head as her lips gave against his. She was melting into him further. His heart swelled with emotion as he felt her respond to his touch. Penelope felt a shiver run involuntarily down her body as his lips moved languidly against hers. He was in firm control of this kiss, guiding her from one soft moment to a more forceful one. His hand moved from her waste down softly grabbing her lower curves. She somehow was brought even closer to him and Penelope gasped, opening her mouth. She felt Luke's tongue gently sweep against hers as he took the time to deepen the kiss. It was intoxicating, kissing him like this. Finally, just after she let a soft moan, Luke pulled away with a pleased hum. One that clouded her brain and she felt herself leaning into him, searching for more. Eventually though, Luke pulled back. His gaze met hers. Penelope struggled to say anything.

"Well, Luke, I'm not, um, I'm not laughing." Is what she settled on. She couldn't read him. Was this still a challenge for him? She didn't see it that way anymore.

"No Penny, you didn't laugh," Luke took it as a good sign she had used his name and that her breath was still a little unsteady. "You're trembling."

"Well maybe I'm not used to kissing coworkers all because of a misunderstanding." Penny lashed out. Luke saw hurt scuttle across her face and he knew she was slamming her walls back in place. He had to act.

"Well, neither am I chicka, but I was sure glad I did." Her gaze met his.

With that Luke brought her back for another kiss. Penelope's knees weakened as his mouth possessed her bottom lip. Luke let Penelope sink into him before he encouraged her mouth open again, this time running his tongue gently between her lips, asking for her entry which she eagerly gave, there was no playing coy in this moment. There were no walls: just Like and Penelope. Luke was determined to make kiss one last a minute. He knew the sheriff was a smart man, he just didn't know he was this smart.

#garvez #luke alvez #penelope garcia #criminal minds #luke x penelope #garcia x alvez

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jspark3000 · 3 years

Text

Tumblr saved my life. Tumblr nearly killed me.

I’ve been on Tumblr since 2010. The people of Tumblr have saved my life multiple times. No kidding. In the worst of my depression, this place was a safe haven and a gentle stream of encouragement.

A lot has changed. I’ve continued to meet wonderful people, but it seems I kept meeting worse individuals too. Worse. And worse. My inbox became increasingly deranged, some who destroyed my mental health. One, in fact, brought me close to the edge of suicide for months. If you’re reading this: you know who you are.

Tumblr in the last few years no longer feels as safe as it was. In fact, on its worst days it’s as bad as *shudders* Facebook.

I don’t mean that it was a simple disagreement. That’s fine. I don’t mean healthy debate or snarky banter. Those are good. I mean racial slurs, threats, long reblogs with carefully articulated bigotry, abusive dynamics, gaslighting (not the way everyone keeps misusing this word—“You said a mean thing, that’s gaslighting”—but I mean really crazy-making reality-bending pathology), and cult-like manipulation. Gone is the humility, safety, and encouragement, except for the rare few. Compassion here is mostly now the exception.

I’m not entirely sure what happened. The election? Polarization? Backlash against people of color? Anger that my faith has evolved? More insular echo chambers? Easier to hide our faces here? Am I just that easy to beat up online? Or maybe you just stopped liking me altogether. I can live with that. But a compassionate space replaced by cruelty? That’s not something I was ready for.

I’ve changed too. I’ve worked at the hospital now for six years. I’ve seen so much suffering. I’ve seen hundreds, if not thousands of people die, sometimes in the worst way possible. I lost my faith once and got it back, and it came back different than before. I am more cynical than I was. I am also more hopeful than I was. I’ve seen the worst of people. The best of people. Times when God seemed absolutely absent. Other times I was sure God was breathing in my lungs.

But one thing I know: I am 100% for the wounded, hurting, and grieving. No question. I am 100% against anyone and anything that would take away from those who have already lost so much. And in the eyes of some, I guess this makes me “soft.” Weak. A liberal. A Marxist. Unrealistic. Emotional. Hysterical. Or just a “feminine f___ng ch*nk.” Working now at the hospital has apparently made me too soft for a place like Tumblr.

No, I don’t think I’m better than this place. Maybe Tumblr never got worse (though I think it did). Maybe seeing so much death turned me into a bunch of nerve endings. I did go soft. And when you see death as much as I do, you realize there are so few places in the world that are safe for grief. Tumblr has little idea what to do with it. It can make grief either fashionable or laughable. Trendy or trigger material. But not tangible. Not divine. Not human. Grief even fits on Instagram. Not here. Not when you can reblog someone and gif them and say “lol.”

The online space is weird. It’s real life and it isn’t. Many times it felt real for me. I know, I shouldn’t take it seriously. But the compassion was real. And unfortunately, the hurt was real too.

These days I post a lot less. But even in the little that I post, it is clear this community is not safe. I never thought I’d ever say that Instagram and Twitter, of all places, are safer than here. But they are. Tumblr, for me, has become a tantrum competition. A speed race for snark. Not the fun kind of snark. Snark that isn’t very clever, but aggressively filled with incel/Reddit/4chan rage. No dialogue. Just dirt.

I will probably keep posting here. And answering my inbox sometimes. And replying with snark of my own. But what this all once was: it will never be again. Not a safe life-giving community. Just a place where I can put my posts. An old storage room that used to be home.

I have a daughter now. She is beginning to crawl. She can almost say “dad” (she probably isn’t, but it sounds just like it, and it makes my heart stop). I always think about the sorts of places she will find life. Or places that will take life from her. Most places do some of both. I hope she finds a place that gives more life than it takes. But some people choose to stay in a hard place because they want to change things from the inside. Maybe she’ll have the strength that I didn’t. She can make change from the inside. She can be the type of person to bring life to a place that has the potential to be good.

I saw Tumblr like that once. Even for years. But I guess I’m too old, too tired, too worn down for that sort of thing now. I have aged out of this place. This place grew past me. I gave it what I could. And I’m glad I did. I’m grateful for Tumblr. It was a place that made me alive. Do I sound dramatic? I guess dramatic is exactly what I loved about this place. I could be myself here. Once I could do that. Others cheered me on. I cheered them on. I loved to see a land of voices vibrant and free. That time is gone. I will always cherish that time. Thank you for all that it meant. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you, if nothing else, than for memories.

— J.S.

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sk1fanfiction · 3 years

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the many faces of tom riddle, part 2

-you dislike frank dillane’s portrayal of tom riddle only because you don’t think he’s attractive-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION (and this time, featuring a bit of armchair child psych from a student).

Wait, don’t clutch your pearls just yet. Compose yourself.

I am about to explain why it’s not actually that bad, and Dillane’s portrayal is vastly underappreciated.

I definitely agree that his portrayal comes off as ‘creepier’. It’s not helped by the stylistic decisions in the scene -- the smeary, green filter gives the scene a sinister quality.

Even Slughorn looks suspect here, which is somewhat appropriate, given that he is complicit in this crime.

Again, this scene is very much intended to be slightly off.

You’ll notice (and I’ll discuss this again when I talk about Coulson’s portrayal) that Dillane is almost always shot from at least slightly below, which makes the lower third of his face look bigger (and thus more menacing). The lighting also makes his eyes glow in a really unnatural way. There’s an echo-y effect to make his voice (and not Slughorn’s) sound unnerving.

People talk about how Coulson would have looked in this scene, and if he was filmed in the same way (monotone, smeary/shadowy filter, and always from below), he’d look a bit creepy, too.

But all of this, imo, is for a pretty good reason. Slughorn isn’t the POV character. Harry is. Harry is learning about how a young Lord Voldemort wheedled the secret of Horcruxes out of an unsuspecting teacher. Unlike in COS, he expects Riddle to be evil. And, so, Harry’s new perception of Tom Riddle literally colors how we perceive him.

Take this shot, for example: he does that head-tilt thing that Coulson does, and it’s actually... kind of... cute???

Imagine Dillane filmed from slightly above, like Coulson usually is, and it looks even more innocent. (I mean, come on, he does not look like he’s killed four people, does he?) It’s not hard to imagine teachers being taken in by this kind of act.

Even that little smirk he does when the camera (aka, Harry’s gaze) pans in, is for Harry’s benefit. No one else noticed that.

However, I still fail to find this creepy, like, at all. Yes, it’s a fake smile, but he’s portraying a different side of Tom Riddle to Coulson. Whereas, in COS, he’s in his vindictive, murderous element, where he’s free to express himself, in this scene, Tom Riddle is doing what he does best -- manipulating and managing appearances.

This entire scene is an act. And because Harry knows it’s an act, it should look a bit stilted.

From the Hepzibah Smith scene in the books: Voldemort smiled mechanically and Hepzibah simpered.

So, Harry is pretty adept at parsing Tom’s fake expressions.

But just look at the expressiveness in his face: he goes from brooding, he blinks, and his entire face changes to this charming (fake) smile.

At the risk of sounding elitist, I’m a bit tired of seeing the word ‘psychopath’, which is not an actual medical diagnosis recognised by any psychological or psychiatric institution, being tossed about, especially with reference to Tom Riddle (and from a neuroscience perspective, it’s doubly annoying). There’s no such thing as ‘insanity’ or ‘psychopathy’ or being ‘crazy.’

-although I use it too a shorthand in conversation to distinguish ‘canon’ Tom from his ‘softer’ OOC counterparts, I really shouldn’t-

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the ‘psychopath’ comment used time-and-time again as an excuse or a full explanation of ‘why Tom Riddle went evil’ (JKR in fact, has made a weird comment in an interview, basically saying that ‘psychopaths can’t be redeemed or learn adaptive coping skills’ or whatever), which really just goes to show the lack of understanding and compassion when personality disorders, especially, are concerned.

But what I like most about the opening of this scene, actually, is that first, listless expression. And this is where we get slightly into headcanon, but Tom Riddle is the opposite of a happy, mentally healthy teenager. By Dumbledore’s own admission, he has no real friends. He has no parental figures, no real attachments. Yes, he might derive some pride or enjoyment from being good at magic and top of his class and all that, but I really don’t think even Tom finds that truly fulfilling. There is nothing that makes him happy.

In fact, although some might perceive it as ‘creepy’, I think that listless expression is an accurate window into Tom’s psyche.

I know people aren’t big on Freud, but I think that he does make some interesting points (also, cut the guy some slack for being relatively open-minded for the Victorian Era, and inventing psychoanalysis and while yes he did say some sexist stuff, good luck finding a field of science that isn’t male-focused and makes crazy generalizations about women, especially back in the day) about the possible origins of thanatophobia, the fear of death.

According to Freud, thanatophobia is a disguise for a deeper source of concern -- he did not believe that people were capable of conceptualizing their own death to that extent. Instead, he believed that this phobia was caused by unresolved childhood conflicts that the sufferer cannot come to terms with or express emotion towards.

Now, I know Freud almost always attributes mental distress to childhood experiences, but I think in this case, it really has some merit.

According to attachment theory, the basis of how we form attachments in adulthood is dictated by learning it from experiences with caregivers in the first two years of life. We know Tom was born in an orphanage, and that he didn’t cry much as a baby, and subsequently, probably received very little attention. Compounded with possible genetic factors and his caregivers being afraid or wary of his magical abilities, he later struggled to form attachments because of this -- I would actually go so far as to say that by the time Dumbledore meets him, Tom Riddle is severely depressed.

And that flat affect and anhedonia, I think, comes over very well in Dillane’s portrayal. There’s kind of this resignation -- a very deep sadness and loneliness to his character.

Of course, he doesn’t derive any comfort or fulfillment from human interaction, because (to borrow the description from the Wikipedia article on ‘Reactive attachment disorder’, which Tom meets all the criteria for) he has a “grossly disturbed internal working model of relationships.” In other words, he is unresponsive to all offers of attachment because of this unacknowledged trauma.

(You could arguably class Tom as having an avoidant attachment style, but I think in his case the trauma and its effect on him are severe enough to call it disordered.)

RAD isn’t particularly well-characterized (especially neurologically) and quite new in the literature, but here are some links if anyone is interested in doing a bit of digging: Link 1 | Link 2 | Paper 1 | Paper 2

And, instead of trying to resolve this conflict in a healthy way, or at least recognize that this is why he can’t be happy and try to learn how to cope from there, he (a) represses the desire for human attachment and (b) funnels that negative emotion into being the fault of Death, the Grim Reaper (again, to borrow Freudian terms).

And we all know how that turned out...

(And now, this should go without saying, but psychoanalyzing fictional characters has nothing to do with assigning a morality to mental disorders. Mental illness is neither a cause nor an excuse for criminal behavior -- in the same way that the cycle of violence is a phenomenon, not an excuse. Tom Riddle did not become a genocidal murderer because, in common parlance, he was a ‘psychopath’ -- he was not necessarily ‘predisposed’ to evil and could just as easily chosen to not follow the path that he did -- instead, he willingly made poor choices. This is a descriptive analysis, not a justification -- a ‘how’, not a ‘why’)

Here’s a Carl Jung quote that articulates it better:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

Yes, he’s a bit stiff (and a lot more formal than in COS during his *conversation* with Harry). But, and here comes the controversial bit, this is appropriate for a portrayal of a schoolboy in the 1940s. The upright posture is accurate -- respectful, polite -- everything Tom Riddle would have been expected to be (and even Coulson, in that scene with Dumbledore in COS, is quite stiff). Even the way he looks at Slughorn and maintains eye contact is very *respectful.*

And, Dillane (I think he’s seventeen or eighteen here) actually looks like a believable sixteen-year-old. I’m sorry, I love Coulson’s portrayal as well, but he looks around nineteen in COS; so in HBP, he probably would have looked at least twenty-two or so. (Sorry, not sorry).

This may be influenced by my own interpretation of the character (because I imagine Tom always looks young for his age, and Dillane fits that archetype, but I don’t think that’s very popular), but I think young Tom Riddle is supposed to be *cute* and a bit stiff/shy/awkward (being charming and awkward is very much possible), if you consider the way Dippet and Slughorn treat him.

To support this, he says very few words to Hepzibah Smith (in the book, that scene’s not in the movie), and is very... bashful and coy during the whole interaction? I think yes, he’s charismatic, but he’s not loud, suave, openly flirtatious or particularly verbose. Tom Riddle should have a quiet magnetism, and to me, that came across in Dillane’s portrayal.

"I'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah shows me," said Voldemort quietly, and Hepzibah gave another girlish giggle.

...

"Are you all right, dear?"

"Oh yes," said Voldemort quietly. "Yes, I'm very well. ..."

Even the ‘ugly, greedy look’ described in the books, when Slughorn starts spilling his secrets, is there. This is how he’s supposed to look! Slughorn glimpses it, but doesn’t understand its significance. Harry does.

“Slughorn looked deeply troubled now: He was gazing at Riddle as though he had never seen him plainly before, and Harry could tell that he was regretting entering into the conversation at all.”

Remember the context of this moment, as well: He’s just discovered how to create multiple Horcruxes. Excuse him for looking a bit creepy (if not now, then when?).

Here’s two direct quotes of Harry’s impression of Tom Riddle in that scene:

“But Riddle's hunger was now apparent; his expression was greedy, he could no longer hide his longing.”

“Harry had glimpsed his face, which was full of that same wild happiness it had worn when he had first found out that he was a wizard, the sort of happiness that did not enhance his handsome features, but made them, somehow, less human. . . .”

Tom Riddle’s Horcruxes are a direct metaphor for his refusal to allow himself to heal from his trauma -- instead, he continues to inflict destruction on himself and others.

His desire to continue creating more Horcruxes sort of resounds with the fact that self-harm can also become a compulsion.

I’d also like to digress a bit to discuss the Gaunt Ring, while we’re at it. While we’ve talked about his attachment issues in general, this discussion is particularly pertinent to father figures. And while Tom’s attachment issues are extensive, I think there’s ample evidence that as a child, he craved acknowledgement and acceptance from a father figure -- the man who gave him the only thing Tom truly owned -- his name. He would have had a vaguely defined mother figure in Mrs. Cole, perhaps.

"You see that house upon the hillside, Potter? My father lived there. My mother, a witch who lived here in this village, fell in love with him. But he abandoned her when she told him what she was.... He didn’t like magic, my father ... He left her and returned to his Muggle parents before I was even born, Potter, and she died giving birth to me, leaving me to be raised in a Muggle orphanage ... but I vowed to find him ... I revenged myself upon him, that fool who gave me his name ... Tom Riddle. ..."

We know that by June of 1943 (COS flashback) Tom has already uncovered the truth of his parentage; he knows he is the Heir of Slytherin via the Gaunt line, and he describes himself to Dippet as ‘Half-blood, sir. Witch mother, Muggle father.’

In Part 1, I discussed the high probability that as a presumed ‘Mudblood’, Tom Riddle was treated rather poorly in Slytherin House. But by this scene in the fall of 1943, he is surrounded by a group of adoring hangers-on. Why?

In my opinion; the Gaunt Ring. We know that Tom stopped wearing it after school, so its sentimental value couldn’t have been that great. We know he likes to collect objects (which I believe stems from his attachment issues -- he seeks comfort in things instead of other people).

Signet rings (such as the one belonging to Tutankhamun seen above) were used to stamp legal documents and such, in order to certify someone’s identify -- like an e-certificate, if you will. Like Tutankhamun’s ring, the Gaunt Ring bears an identifying symbol -- Marvolo Gaunt tells us proudly that it bears the Peverell family crest.

By the Middle Ages, anyone of influence, including the nobility, wore a signet ring. Rings in antiquity were auspicious -- they signified power, legitimacy, and authority. And so, I believe that all the Sacred Twenty-Eight families would have worn these, too.

And so, bearing the Gaunt Ring would have established Tom Riddle, symbolically and in the eyes of the Sacred Twenty-Eight (his future supporters and followers), as the legitimate heir to the House of Gaunt. This is why, I believe, Tom coveted the ring as soon as he saw it -- not just because it was a family heirloom, and not just because he thought it was a pretty toy for his collection.

(He curses it so that no one else but him can wear the Gaunt Ring safely.)

This is why, to make the legitimization literal as well as symbolic, Tom murders his father and grandparents. It’s not just an act of vindictive, murderous rage due to his perception of being rejected by his father (although it is that, too). And so, Tom, abandoning his search for a father figure (and possibly also giving up on the possibility to allow himself to heal from his own personal trauma rather than continue to inflict it on others), ‘cleanses’ his bloodline, to make himself truly legitimate. It’s rather telling that instead of affirming his legitimacy as a Riddle, which would have put him in line for a nice inheritance, and hey -- money is money -- (thus accepting his half-blood status), he simply kills them all. He has done all the murdering he needs to become immortal (and he hasn’t had the discussion about multiple Horcruxes yet); but yet, he does it again. Frightening stuff.

(Just look how the others look at Tom. All but the one to his left -- possibly Nott, Rosier, or Mulciber -- have their torsos turned towards him. Their attention is on him, while he knowingly regards the viewer/Harry. Tom seems a little uncomfortable with the attention.).

“And there were the half-dozen teenage boys sitting around Slughorn with Tom Riddle in the midst of them, Marvolo's gold-and-black ring gleaming on his finger.”

...

“Riddle smiled; the other boys laughed and cast him admiring looks.”

...

“Tom Riddle merely smiled as the others laughed again. Harry noticed that he was by no means the eldest of the group of boys, but that they all seemed to look to him as their leader.”

The ‘gang’ are true hangers-on; Tom doesn’t seem to pay them much attention.

So, if not via careful flattery or charisma, the attraction must be status.

And perhaps yet more telling...

"I don't know that politics would suit me, sir," he said when the laughter had died away. "I don't have the right kind of background, for one thing." “A couple of the boys around him smirked at each other. Harry was sure they were enjoying a private joke, undoubtedly about what they knew, or suspected, regarding their gang leader's famous ancestor.”

That, in my opinion, is as good as we’re going to get as proof that Tom’s shiny new signet ring (and by extension, his new status) made a big impression on his fellow students.

So, when he returns to Hogwarts, he is ‘pureblood’. He is cleansed of his Muggle roots, and becomes the legitimate heir of the House of Gaunt, now well on his way to becoming Lord Voldemort...

Watch the scene again, with a critical eye, and imagine Slughorn’s perspective, instead of Harry’s. There’s nothing creepy about Tom Riddle... unless you know what he is...

Strip away all the effects of Harry’s gaze (and notice, here he’s still looking at Harry), and he’s quite the charmer, actually.

(I will concede that I don’t like the promotional images where they have him looking like he’s up to no good. And I do wish he blinked once in a while.)

My challenge to you: Rewatch the scene with an open mind, and let me know if you agree that Dillane’s portrayal comes off as depressive rather than ‘creepy.’ And if not, why do you dislike his portrayal?

#tom riddle #character analysis #character study #the many faces of #tom marvolo riddle #frank dillane #i literally could not find any pictures other than these #literal crumbs i swear #i know this is unpopular #people really dislike him i guess #watch the scene again with an open mind i promise you'll like it #i seriously do think he did a good job #tw: mention of child abuse #tw: mention of self-harm #i'm not trying to oversimplify things but you can't deny that maybe if tom was hugged as a child it would have helped #say it with me: psychopathy is not an actual medical diagnosis #it's actual more of a legal/criminal justice term #and people just use it as a synonym for 'evil' at this point so the original meaning is pretty much obscured #and personality disorders should not be moralized #people with personality disorders are not 'evil'

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ghostbustermelanieking · 3 years

Text

some thoughts on mag 200

i’ve been having trouble articulating this, but i wanted to get some thoughts down on mag 200, and the ending of tma as a whole, now that i’ve heard the finale twice and had some time to process it all. putting this under a cut in case people don’t wanna see it -- there’s gonna be a lot of praise here, but also some legit criticism. this is a way to sort through my feelings more than anything else.

first off, relistening to the finale, and sitting on it for a while, has made me feel a hell of a lot better about the whole thing. the episode comes off a lot better when you’re not vibrating with fear and anticipation, in my opinion. the final statement was very fitting and cool -- not my favorite ever, but i can appreciate it a lot as a final closing for the fears. and i don’t have an ear for soundscaping but the sound in that statement was cool as hell. the jonah magnus gets fucking murdered scene is incredibly satisfying. a lot of other people have said this, but i love that jon finally got his revenge, and was able to lash out against jonah for all the years of manipulation and beng used, and for tim and sasha and everything else. that was perfect. i genuinely thought we might not get a scene like this after 193 but i am so glad we did. incredibly satisfying. the girls made it out!! i am very glad that they’re ok and moving on and seem to be leaning on each other. (By God I Will Wring Found Family Out Of This Podcast If It Kills Me.) and the admiral’s okay. love that

and the jonmartin ending. oh my god. while i was never the biggest fan of the possibility of martin having to kill jon, the way it went down was so painful and good. i loved that final scene. i love the ambiguity -- that they might have died but maybe they didn’t, maybe they’re all right and happy and we can decide for ourselves -- i love that i got exactly what i wanted, that i get to have my cake and eat it too, all the angst of a jmart death and still the possibility of happiness... i am going buckwild. i love it. the longer i spend with this ending, the happier i am with it. i really really loved it

on another note... i do have some reservations about the finale and the season as a whole. i understand peoples’ irritations with the finale, and while i’m trying to focus on the things i did like, i definitely have some irritations. for one, i definitely wish the finale had been longer. i would’ve loved to see more of what wtgfs and basira were doing, and the actual lighting of the archives, etc. and while i completely understand why the scene at the panopticon went as quickly as it did -- it comes off very much as wild, frantic impulse in the heat of the moment where they’re in danger and trying to protect each other -- i do wish it had gone a little slower.

in my mind, the biggest issue in season 5 ended up being pacing. and this might be a personal preference thing -- there’s a lot of things within the show that i don’t personally vibe with, but i don’t necessarily think they’re badly written. but i do think season 5 was slow. and while slow things can certainly work in a certain context (season 4 comes off wildly slow til you listen to 160), i wish more of what actually happened in season 5 had been baked into the end game. the season felt like it had a lot of filler, which drives me mildly crazy, because the end game feels rushed and i don’t think it NEEDED to be. i liked a lot of what season 5 did -- there’s some impeccable episodes, the character interactions are weirdly lighter and softer than they have been in previous seasons, and i wouldn’t trade a lot of the things that it’s given us (all the jonmartin interactions, jon and georgie briefly rebuilding their friendship, martin and melanie friendship, wtgfs scenes and intimacy, backstory, lore, etc) for anything. but i do think it could’ve been structured and paced a little differently. i also think it could’ve given some more screentime to the character stuff we got from episodes like 161, 170, 186, 190, 191, 192, 199... i absolutely love both martin centric monologue episodes, but i hate that we didn’t get anything like that for jon. (or for melanie or georgie or basira...) the best episodes of the season, imo, are the ones that broke from traditional form of domain statement domain, and the ones that focused in hard on backstory, lore, character introspection, character interaction... i wish we had more of this.

when it comes to the jonmartin arc... i know this has been a point of contention with a lot of people, but i don’t hate it at all. maybe it’s just because i relistened to the majority of the season back in january, but a lot of the more grating moments that seemed large week to week (martin pressuring jon to smite people, the disagreements they had earlier in the season, jon using martin as bait in 176, etc etc) come off a lot more minor when you’re binging. personally, relistening to act i made those interactions come off as things they were struggling with through continued support and reassurance. there were absolutely things i wanted addressed, especially with the “kill bill arc” -- the disagreements early in the season, and how it seemed to turn on its head in the argument they have in 194. (i didn’t like martin blaming jon for the kill bill arc and i was hoping it would get brought up.) i also wanted to see a discussion of martin going with annabelle in 194 -- i wasn’t really ever mad at martin for doing it, but i did want to see them talk it out.

but! after relistening to 200, i think i have a better handle on why that couldn’t have happened. martin goes behind jon’s back to go with annabelle and they don’t talk about it; jon goes behind martin’s back to sabotage the plan everyone agrees on in order to prevent the fears from spreading. if they’d had a big talk about trust, and working through martin going off with annabelle, and then jon turned around and did the same thing, more or less... it would’ve completely soured that discussion. jon and martin needed to be in a place of discourse for this ending to work.

honestly, the more i’ve thought about this final JM arc, the better i feel about it. sure, jon and martin are in a bad place, and they’ve gone behind each other’s backs and been somewhat selfish, but i don’t think this ruins their relationship. for one, martin’s break in trust comes from a place of wanting to save jon and the world. and for another, jon genuinely feels he is doing the right thing, making a decision he can live with. (i have my own opinions as to how ethical jon’s decision was, but that’s another post. and i think the muddy ethics of this ending are on purpose -- it’s horror, a genre that often doesn’t offer ethical decisions.) their final decisions and final moments come from a place of love and protectiveness, and they change their decisions for the other. they still love each other, through all of it. i don’t think these late stage betrayals equivalate jonmartin necessarily being doomed as a couple (not that anyone has said that, but it’s worth saying). and i think it’s important to remember that this is still a relatively new relationship. it existed for approximately three weeks before the literal apocalypse, and it’s been under an immense amount of stress, as well as the constant fear that one or both of them would die. (which they did.) i’m not saying that excuses certain things they’ve said or done, but i am saying i don’t think the relationship is doomed. i think, if jon and martin have survived, they’ll need to work through things. they’ll need to talk it all out. and they’ll be able to! they’ll heal from this one way or another. the tragedy isn’t that jonmartin is doomed, or toxic. it’s that these moments of betrayal are what dooms them. and the beautiful undercurrent of it all is that they still manage to come together, and make decisions that mean they stay together. and that wherever they are, they’re still together.

all in all, i don’t think season 5 has been perfect, and i can make my peace with that. (tma’s worst is a hell of a lot better than most shows’ best.) (i also think it might be worth considering how covid could have affected certain aspects of how the season was written -- pandemics are stressful, and i can’t imagine what it’s like to finish an enormous, in the works for years project like this in the middle of that. personally, i’m impressed they’ve managed to finish the show through all of this and keep it to a similar quality.) i think critiques are valuable and worth discussing. and i think plot aspects aside, there are several other critique related things that could be brought up about this season that people have articulated much better than i ever could. but i also, personally, want to walk away from the show feeling satisfied. i tend to be weirdly positive about things i love (the x files finale was horrendous, but i managed to get to a place where i was happy with it, for example), and i think that applies here -- even more so because i really did love so many aspects of that finale. i don’t necessarily want to linger in my own mind over what i disliked, especially considering the show is over. although i did want to air out my thoughts.

i still love this show. i loved a lot of episodes this season, frustrations aside. season 5 will forever be my only live tma experience, and it got me through one of the worst years of my life, and i am very grateful for this. i genuinely did just want to air out my thoughts and get them all down on paper. these are just my opinions -- i don’t want to criticize anyone who feels differently about the finale, or the season as a whole. everyone’s opinion is their own.

i feel a lot, lot better about mag 200, to the point of genuinely loving it. i hope my appreciation only grows as i get further from that frenzied first day and have more time to sit with it. and i can’t wait to see all the art and read all of the amazing fics that are going to come out of this ending (and write some of my own). it’s been a wild ride. i’m glad i was here for it.

#tma #the magnus archives #mag 200 #tma spoilers #tma negative #not too strong i dont think but just in case #this might be completely incoherent lol but i wanted to get it down

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13uswntimagines · 4 years

Text

Always Yours (Christen Press x Reader)

Request: Christen Press x reader based on a song "hold me while you wait" by Lewis Capaldi

Author’s note: Hey dudes, so i couldn’t get this idea out of my head. I’m not sure how well it actually follows the song, but this is what made sense to me. I hope you enjoy! hit me up with Requests, Questions or if you just wanna say hi!

Christen sighed contently, settling back against her fiance, watching whatever boring reality show the team had chosen for the night. She reveled in the feeling of the women below her, glad that everything had finally worked out for the better. Everything was perfect, well almost. There was still a little twinge at the back of her mind that reminded her of the one person she had hurt more than the rest.

“Have you guys seen this video yet? The fans are going crazy,” Kelley asked, pulling the women out of her thoughts. Tobin grabbed the outstretched phone, holding it so Christen could see it.

“Is that Y/n,” Christen questioned, her breath leaving her when she saw your form on the small screen. The image was grainy, but it still made her heart stop to see you on stage. To see you following your dreams.

“Yeah,” Kelley smiled at them, wiggling her eyebrows at Christen.

“Why are the fans sending it to us?” Tobin mumbled, her eyebrows furrowing. As far as the fans knew, you hadn’t spoken to Chris since college.

“just watch” Kelley shrugged.

*******

You smiled out at the audience as you stepped to the front of the stage. Their clapping and cheering were almost as loud as the pounding of your heart in your ears. You would never get enough of this feeling, and you wondered if it was the same one that she had every time she stepped onto the pitch.

“Damn you guys are loud,” You laughed, the crowd roaring back. You shot them a cheeky smirk, pulling the acoustic guitar strap over your head and pushing the stray hairs that had fallen into your face back.

“Do you mind if we get serious for a few minutes?” You asked into the mic, receiving a cheer of approval in response. As much as the fans loved you upbeat stuff, they went even crazier when it was just you, them, and your trusty guitar.

“Ok, cool.” You smirked, beginning to pluck the opening chord to the next song in your set absentmindedly.

“So, the past few years have been kinda a rollercoaster ride for me. You know, I met this person, and they were my… everything.” You stated, a wistful, faraway look taking over your usual charming smile.

“And sometimes I thought that they could love me too, but they could never make up their mind, and I settled for them just being there. I settled for them letting me hold them while they figured out what they wanted,” Your voice turned sad and bitter. You had wanted her more than anything on the planet, but she didn’t know if she wanted you or Tobin, and you wondered how close you were to be a thing. But she had chosen, and the heavy piece of paper tucked into your back pocket was like a knife in the balloons holding your Dream.

“Today I got an invitation to their wedding,” You gave the audience a bitter laugh, shaking your head. “So this song is for them. An apology if you will, that I can’t make their wedding,” You finished quietly, changing to the chord progression for Hold Me While You Wait.

****

“Holy shit,” Christen whispered, her eyes wide as the song began. It wasn’t her first time hearing it, but the emotions of this performance were off the charts. She could feel the heartbreak that permeated the song. It was the story of an almost relationship that tore you to pieces. An almost relationship that you tied yourself in knots to make work. The almost relationship you had with her.

“She’s not usually this emotional,” Christen mumbled, her eyes wide.

“The fans all think that you’re the one who made her this emotional. They think you two are the ones she dedicated the song to,” Kelley said quietly, shaking her head.

“She never said that,” Tobin grumbled far too quickly. You were always her biggest competition, and you had been there for Christen when she wasn’t. When she was being an ass about commitment.

“She didn’t have to,” Kelley rolled her eyes. So maybe she still had a little resentment about how the way things ended between her teammates and her best friend.

“They’ve been speculating that the whole album is about Chris for months,” Tobin clapped back. It had started with an old photo of the two of you from college. An old photo that wasn’t supposed to ever see the light of day, and now they wouldn’t leave her alone about it. Your fans weren’t as crazy as some, but she was tired of being called out for being the one to come between you and Chris. “But it seems kinda petty to me,” Tobin groaned. You were usually the first one to tell the fans to leave them alone. You usually didn’t stoop to their level.

“If it is, she has a good reason. Chris kept her on the hook for months,” Kelley spat back.

“It was hard not to,” Christen spoke quietly after a few minutes.

*****

Memory

“Just stay awhile,” You said from the bed, pulling the sheets tighter around you. You always hated this part, it made you feel dirty, used. She would beg you to come and then walk out like you were nothing more than a call girl. Ever since college, you were the one who would pick up the pieces that one Tobin Heath left behind. The one who held her while she made up her mind.

“Y/n, I can’t stay,” She rolled her eyes at you, pulling her clothes on.

“Yes, you can Chris. I love you so much, and I’ll do my damndest to show you every day,” You pleaded. Why couldn’t she see that you were the better option? The more healthy option. Tobin could never make up her mind. She didn’t want a real relationship unless it was convenient for her, and Christen just couldn’t seem to let her go.

“I love her Y/n,” “and she loves me back, and she’s finally ready,” Christen said, finally turning to look at you.

“How many times has she said that before, and how many times have you ended up right back here with me?” You huffed back, thinking about the thousands of times this had happened before. The thousands of times Christen had told you the same thing and then called you crying because she hadn’t been right. For a while, it had been fine with you. It had been alright because you got to hold the girl you had been in love with since you were kids while you waited for her to make up her mind.

“Just don’t” She spat in your direction. Going from sweet to cruel in a second flat.

“I’m trying to protect your Chris,” You growled back, standing from the bed.

“Don’t make this harder for me then it already is,” She mumbled lowly. And you sighed.

The wait was over, and so was Christen’s desire to be held by you.

“Turn around Chris,” Your voice was barley above a whisper. You knew that this would tear you apart, but you needed to hear it. You needed to know why. You opened your arms for the woman, who shot you a quizzical look.“Tell me more about her, something I don’t know,” You mumble, pulling Chris back into your arms, for what you know will probably be the last time. You buried your nose into her neck.

“She scrunches her nose up in her sleep,” She said, running her fingers through your hair, soothing you.

“Hmm,”

“And she loves kids. Like she goes out of her way to make them happy,” You could hear the smile in her voice, and you swallowed the lump in your throat, trying to enjoy your last moments with the woman you loved.

*****

You stepped away from the mic when the song was over, taking a gulping breath after the final note. Your chest heaved in a way that was unusual for you, and you casually wiped the tears out of your eyes. You weren’t an overtly emotional person, only able to articulate what you were feeling through song. You blinked a few times, stepping back up to the Mic.

“Tell her thank you for Paris,” You hummed out the words that would probably get you into trouble, but right now you didn’t care. You knew this day was coming, but that didn’t mean you were ready for it. At least you knew that Tobin wouldn’t hurt her again.

*****

“She’s crying,” Tobin said in shock. She had never, ever seen this much emotion out of you, even when you had come to say goodbye.

“What happened in Paris? She never told me, and she won’t talk about it,” Kelley asked, her eyebrows furrowing. Christen and Tobin shared a look.

*****

Two days before the Woman’s World Cup

“Chris is going to freak when she realizes that your here,” Tobin mumbled, settling down in the seat across from you. You had picked a cute cafe for this conversation. A conversation that you really didn’t want to have, but you felt you needed to.

“I didn’t come to see her, I came to see you,” You husked out, taking a sip of your coffee.

“That’s a first, I was like 99% sure you hated me,” Tobin leaned back in her chair in shock. The two of you had a tumultuous relationship to say the least. She was always chasing Christen, and you were always the one who cleaned up the fallout.

“No Tobin, I don’t hate you.” You started, looking off into the distance, trying to control your emotions. You knew that this was inappropriate, but you had to be sure. You had to know.“I just… I need you to tell me one thing,” You finished, glancing back at your cup, adamantly not making eyecontact with the woman in front of you.

“You flew to Paris to ask me a question?” She questioned in disbelief. She thought you would have fought harder. That you would have come to make a scene and try to win the girl that you had held for so long. She took in your form, defeat visible in every movement you made. You weren’t the same person you had been all those years ago. It was like your sunny personality was gone.

“Yeah, “ You nodded, finally looking into Tobins worried brown eyes. She could almost see the cracks in your soul. The piece of you that Christen had taken with her when she chose Tobin.

“Ask away,” She said with a wave of her hand.

“Do you love her?” You asked seriously. Clenching your fist on the table. You needed to know. All your efforts would be worth it if she did. You would be able to live with yourself if she did.

“Of course I do,” Tobin said in exasperation.

“No Tobin, do you love her so much that you feel like you can’t breathe without her. Like you’re in the dark, and she lights you up?” You grabbed her hand, looking her solemnly in the eyes.

“I love her so much that it terrifies me, that I don’t think I could live if she didn’t choose me,” She responded, with as much honesty as she could muster. You nodded back, sitting back in your seat and taking a sip of your drink.

“Promise me something?” You requested after a few seconds of silence. She waved her hand again. You gave her a thoughtful look. “That you won’t let her go…”

“I already bought the ring. I was gonna give it to her after we win,” Tobin admitted with a blush. You nodded again.

“Don’t wait,” You said quietly, placing a 50 on the table and walking away. Tobin watched you go, shaking her head. She would never understand why you had settled for being Christens play thing.

*****

8 Hours after they won the World Cup

“You can’t waste your life like this,” Christen rolled her eyes as she entered the hotel lobby. She was in france.

“Who said it’s a waste?” You smirked back, standing and placing your hands in your pockets.

“I did. You just flew to Paris for me to turn you away,” She huffed back, approaching you and pulling you into a hug. No opportunity to make her smile was a waste to you.

“I wish that I could change your mind,” You hummed into her neck, refraining from placing your usual kiss on her neck.

“I know,” She said back resolutely.

“I didn’t come to ruin your night, just to tell you congrats,” You mumbled, pulling back so you could look at her, sending her the widest smile you could.

“I don’t know if I believe you..” She quarked her eyebrows up at you.

“I just wanted to give you this and congratulate you on your big win champ. I always promised to the first copy of my album,” You laughed, pulling the the first copy of your first album ever out of your back pocket. It was funny, even now she was holding you while she waited for Tobin to be ready to go celebrate with her.

“Take it. I signed it and everything,” You said quietly, pushing the square plastic that held the key to your future into her hands. No it wasn’t like the art that Tobin made, but it was yours.

“Y/n” She started. Placing her hand flat on the plastic, shaking her head.

“At least it’ll sell on eBay if you don’t want it.” You gave her a sad smile, placing the album that she had inspired into her palm and turning away. “If you ever need to… talk, just call me,” You said over your shoulder, leaving the Hotel. Trying not to think about how this was probably the last time you would ever see her.

*****

“She told me to Marry Chris,” Tobin murmured thoughtfully, squeezing the women in her arms that much tighter. She was lucky and she she knew it.

“I didn’t know that,” Christen smiled, leaning back and placing a kiss on her fiance’s lips.

“Yeah, she said that she wanted you to be happy, and us fighting over you wasn’t making you happy,” Tobin nodded, brushing a strand of hair from Christens ear. Even in your worst moment, all you wanted was for the girl of your dreams to be happy. That was what love was, to want the best for that person, even if it wasn’t you, and to hold them until they knew what they wanted.

“What did she write in the album she gave you?” Kelley asked, pulling the couple out of their sappy moment. Christen blinked for a moment.

******

Christen’s hands were shaking as she watched you walk away, almost like a drug addict coming down from the high. She glanced down at the album in her hand, aptly named “the heartbreak hotel”. You always did have a flare for dramatics. Her lips quirked up at our loopy handwriting.

Together or apart, we both accomplished our dreams. Thank you for allowing me to hold your for as long as you did. Both our waits are over, and i wish you nothing but happiness.

Always yours,

Y/n

PS. say yes to your happy ending.

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines #christen press x reader #christen press imagine

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ficsxreaderr · 3 years

Text

Music to my eyes [7]

OKAY I AM BACK, NOT THAT ANYONE MISSED ME BUT HERE IT IS. LOVE Y'ALL

Pairing: Single dad!Bucky Barnes x reader. (Modern day AU)

Summary: As a simple worker at a record store, there’s so much you want to do in life yet, which doesn’t involve a serious relationship and much less a relationship with a guy who’s a father. Once you meet Bucky Barnes you’re not sure you can live up to that anymore.

Requests are open. Tagging for a permanent list and this fic are open.

Reblogging and feedback are welcome and appreciated!

Series masterlist | Masterlist

“Sam, you better come here and help me get ready.” You tell him on the phone as you prepare your first cup of coffee of the day, on Steve’s wedding day.

“But I’m one of the groomsmen, we got to be there early because you’re my plus one.”

“I’m a punctual woman, I thought you knew that. Come on, you got to help me with my hair and tell me how the dress looks.”

“Alright, but I’ll be rushing you, you have to know that.”

“I’d be surprised if you didn’t.”

Right after you’ve taken a shower, you hear a knock on your door, knowing it’s Sam. Putting on your bathrobe and a towel to dry your hair, you walk out of the bathroom and get the door.

“Please tell me you’re not going dressed like that.” Sam says the second you open. You roll your eyes at him and step aside to let him in.

“Can I get you anything? Did you have lunch already?” You ask as you walk into the kitchen and pour each of you a glass of lemonade.

“Yeah, I ate something on my way here, figured you wouldn’t want to eat while doing your makeup.” He says, stepping into the kitchen after he’s put his tux on the hanger.

“Good choice.” You nod as both of you take a sip of lemonade. Both of you make your way to your room, where you’ve set everything you need to get ready.

“Wow, women really are complicated, huh?” He says as he stops to look around. “Where do you even start?”

“I’ll start with my makeup and you start with my hair.” You shrug as you sit on your stool and take off the towel from your head. He walks in and chuckles, and he takes the hair dryer to plug it in.

“Y/N, are we going to talk about…well, you know what.” He asks as you start ordering your things and decide not to look at him, knowing you’re still trying to avoid the subject.

“I don’t know, Sam, I…I feel like an idiot. Dry my hair and I’ll think about it meanwhile.” He shakes his head and does as you say.

Once your hair is dry and you’ve started with your makeup, he waits for the hair straightener to heat as he sits on the edge on the bed.

“Can we talk about it now?” He says, more amused that serious.

“Sam!” You scream, turning around in your stool. “What is there to talk about? I…messed up.” You go back to your makeup and he stands behind you, grabbing the straightener to see if it’s heated. “What has he said? No, wait, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.”

“He misses you, he wishes he’d never try to kiss you if he’d known it just drive you away.” He says as he starts straightening your hair.

“But that’s not why I left, Sam, not exactly. I wanted to walk away even before that…”

“But it was really bad timing, you know, I’m sorry to say it…”

“No, you’re right, I looked like a jerk, but…I didn’t want to hurt him. Just wanted to do what was right…for everyone.”

“And what exactly is that? You’re not happy, he’s not happy, and Sarah certainly isn’t…”

“Yeah, I know that, too…I messed up, I told you. He’s never talking to me again and I can’t blame him.”

Sam has kindly let you use his hotel room so you can change and add the finishing touches to your makeup. At the sight of the amazing hotel Peggy and Steve have booked, you wonder how on Earth they could ever afford it, you could never. Only Sam’s room is huge, it makes you think what the bridal suite must be like. You settle your bag on the bed and your makeup on the marquee, welcoming the soft rug beneath your bare feet. Hanging the dress on a hanger by the door, you unzip its cover bag and stare at it for a moment, thinking it was an amazing choice for this night. It doesn’t matter how awful you feel for what you did, you’re still intending to fix it, but it scares you that he might not even want to hear you or that if he does, that he turns you down. And it wouldn’t even surprise you.

After you’ve made the finishing touches to your makeup, you finally put your dress on, sliding it carefully up your body. Staring at your reflection, you love how the dress hugs every curve of your body, how the thin straps leave your chest uncovered and with a gentle turn, you can see how the half of your back is uncovered, just like you wanted it to. The rosewood satin suits you just perfectly but there’s just one problem, you can’t zip this dress on your own, and you curse Sam for leaving you at the moment. You hear the door to the contiguous room open and you’re glad Sam’s finally back.

Without turning around, you speak, “Sam, finally! Would you mind—” You’re interrupted as you see Sam’s not the one standing across the room, and you clench the back of your dress in nervousness. Your heart stops beating for a moment and you let out a breath before you pass out. “Bucky, hi, I’m sorry, I—”

“Hi, Y/N, I thought Sam was here.” He clenches his hand around the doorknob, hesitant to say anything else. Bucky freezes at the sight of you for two main reasons: one, he misses you, he misses you like crazy and he didn’t know he wanted you that much in his life until the day you stopped calling and visiting; and, two, even with the zipper undone, the dress you picked for tonight is definitely Bucky’s greatest weakness. He’s not sure if you look more beautiful because he hasn’t seen you in so long or because you really know how to dress for a wedding, but he is certain that he’s never been more in love with you than right now.

“He…let me use his room to get ready.” You clear your throat. A moment goes by in complete silence, it feels like an eternity, until he decides to speak.

“I-I can help you…with your dress.” He finally lets go of the doorknob and you notice him fidgeting his fingers. Your mouth goes dry and you need to swallow to gain some composure.

“Thanks, that’d be great.” You nod and wait as he steps inside the room and slowly walks towards you. All the tension of this moment let you forget how handsome he looks in that tux, how his perfectly combed hair and not-so-elegant-but-still-attractive stubble adorn his features and how lucky whoever’s walking with him down the aisle is. Once he’s inches away from you, you turn around so he can zip up your dress. Looking down at your feet, you’re afraid to look in the mirror and meet his eyes there. He is distracted, for a moment, by your intoxicating scent and how soft and glowing your skin looks as the afternoon sunlight that slips through the drapes hits it. You let go off the fabric, and he slowly zips it, careful not to pinch your skin or ruin your dress for that matter. Turning around, you feel a bit dizzy, not sure why, but you find Bucky’s eyes staring at you, a few inches apart now, and you can’t get your brain to articulate even one word.

“How have you been?” You ask after what seemed like hours and he replies almost instantly,

“I’m okay…I mean, I’ve been great, spending a lot of time with Sarah and…everyone else.” He nods, and he really sounds like he’s been doing alright, like he hasn’t missed you like you’ve missed him. Maybe he is better off without you. “You look…amazing.” His weak heart betrays him, and he blurts it out. “H-how have you been?”

“Thanks.” You offer a small smile. “I guess I’ve been okay,” You shrug, unable to hide how you’ve not been okay. “I was really excited about this wedding, Peggy and Steve are-”

“Made for each other.” He interrupts you and you swear there’s a trace of a smile on his face.

“Exactly.” You nod and sigh before saying what’s been killing you inside, even if it will hurt if it doesn’t go as you want it to. “Bucky, I need to talk to you.”

“Of course.” He nods. “I…I think I need to say some things too.”

“I know and…” You sit on the bed and he quickly follows so you’re facing each other. “I’m really sorry for what I did, I didn’t want you to think that I walked away because you…tried to kiss me. It’s not like that.”

“Then what happened, Y/N? ‘Cause I really feel like I messed everything up and I didn’t want things to happen like that, it was all good with us.”

“Since I met you, I knew there was something about you…and when I found out you had a kid-”

“Of course, I knew it…” He stands up, running a hand through his hair, but you’re quick to grab his wrist and make him stop.

“Bucky, no, I know what you’re thinking, just let me finish.” He sits down again, and now it really hurts to see the look on his face, how saddened he seems after what you said; you never wanted to be the cause of that. “Bucky, there’s…a lot I want to do in my life, in fact, there’s barely anything I’ve actually done and…I’ve always wanted to make room for someone that came into my life so we could share everything together. But I got scared and that’s the only word I can find because I am, in fact, a coward. I’ve never thought of having a family, it’s never been in my plans or my dreams, but when I started having feelings for you I…all I wanted was to be with you and with Sarah, no matter what. But it scares me that I can’t keep up with the life you have…because it’s still not…the life I want. And I walked away because…I couldn’t control what I felt anymore, and I didn’t want you to get hurt if I stayed longer…and I also didn’t want to hurt myself.” You both stare for a moment at each other, and his expression changes, he relaxes and his eyes shine a tiny bit…but you know it’s there, the slight hope that he might not hate you and that he will forgive you for treating him so poorly.

“It was so hard to see you didn’t come back or called…or texted. I figured I messed everything up and I’d just lost you. The last thing I wanted was to look for you because I thought I could only make it worse-”

“Before you continue…let me just say that you have nothing to be sorry about, I didn’t expect anything and not because I didn’t expect it from you, it’s just that I ruined it and it was obvious that no one would want to look for me after that.”

“I just want you back in my life, Y/N, I’ve missed you and even if nothing happens between us…I miss my friend, too. And the reason I combed my hair like this is because I need a haircut, and no one understands my hair like you do.” He says as he runs a hand through his hair, chuckling. It makes you laugh, and oh, how you missed this feeling of him making dumb jokes and you hitting his arm ridiculously hard.

“So, you’re only looking for a haircut? ‘Cause I’m going to start charging you if you don’t want to be my friend.” You cross your arms and bite your lip as you amuse yourself looking at the scared look he puts on.

“No! That’s not it! I…miss everything.” He blushes as you chuckle, the one thing you could watch forever: his blushed, stubble-covered cheeks. “Sarah misses you, too, a lot.” Your heart melts when you hear those words, because as much as you were never a ‘kids’ person’, Sarah is certainly the exception, but what could you expect? She was raised by a guy like him.

“Aw, Buck.” You shake your head with a small smile. “I miss both of you, too.” He takes a deep breath and smiles broadly, making you do it too, because for so long you hadn’t seen that and it’s such a weight off your shoulders to finally talk things through.

“So…will you dance with me tonight? I was really looking forward to this, you know.” His almost apologetic frown makes you smile broadly and before you know it, you’ve taken his hand in yours and you notice how he flinches.

“I’m sure we can dance at least one song…unless your date isn’t so fond of the idea.” You suggest, hoping deep down he didn’t bring one, because you didn’t even think of bringing one yourself.

“I didn’t bring a date.” He quickly shrugs and it makes you let out a breath. “Did you?”

“If you consider Sam a date, then I did.” You reply as you chuckle, both of you knowing what a big joke that is, so you make him laugh.

“I’m going to have to borrow you from him, then.” He gives your hand a gentle squeeze and both of you smile at each other. “Thanks for talking to me.”

“Thanks for…listening, I know I probably didn’t deserve it but…”

“No, don’t say that, I know you really are sorry.”

“I am.” You nod in reassurance.

After the lovely ceremony, which you didn’t expect less from, you’ve moved to the reception where apparently Peggy picked up the most beautiful decorations and colors, and you feel like you’re inside of a magazine…a magazine you’re probably never going to buy but you’ve surely seen enough of. Sipping your drink, watching all the couples dancing and smiling at each other makes you smile, too. You glance at Sam as he’s most likely hitting on a bridesmaid, which actually doesn’t surprise you, and she seems to be having a great time, too. You shake your head as Sam glances back at you and he nods in your direction, making you frown at him. As you take another sip of your drink, you’re startled by a low voice talking behind you,

“I knew you didn’t bring a date but I didn’t think you’d be sitting down for this.” You stand up and turn to see Bucky with his hands in his pockets and with a billion-dollar smile.

“Heels are a pain, you know? I stand for five minutes and I have to sit down for fifteen.” You put your hands on your hips.

“And are those 15 over?”

“You know what, they are.” You nod with a smile.

“Good, five minutes is enough for a song.” He shrugs

“Of course I could dance barefoot, I’m a much better dancer without these things.”

“And that would give us more than five minutes.” He says as he takes a few steps until he’s closer to you, letting you drown in the blue of his eyes. Your gaze meets his and he gives you that lopsided grin you’ve fallen in love with all this time.

“A lot more, I think.” You almost murmur and he offers his hand with his palm up so you can take it. You smile at him and tangle your fingers with his.

“Aren’t you gonna take off your heels?”

“You’re too tall for me, I’ll take them off when my feet hurt.” You shrug and both of you walk to the dance floor. He wanted to fight the urge to put his arm around you, but he couldn’t, you were too close to him and he had waited for this for too long now, he wasn’t going to wait any longer. The warm feeling of his hand through your dress made you stiffen, and you looked up at him in reassurance. He smiled at you and squeezed your waist gently before leading you to start dancing. His timing was so accurate that the song is slow but fun to dance to, but then again, any song would be fun with him around. The way he easily sways with you at a rhythm that feels choreographed is unbelievable, it’s like both of you were so made for each other that even dancing seems like the easiest thing with him.

“You know your friends are gonna give you a lot of crap later, right?”

“I’d be an idiot if I didn’t know that, but I’m willing to pay that price. I’m hoping I don’t have to see them later, though.” He quirks up an eyebrow, suggestively and you smile at that, knowing exactly what he meant.

“You’re quite optimistic.” You nod and make him chuckle.

“I like to believe that.”

“I can’t believe I missed so much time with you for being so stubborn.” You shake your head and he frowns.

It’s like you just agreed to say nothing anymore and your gazes meet, as easily as they always did. This kind of heart rush you’ve only felt it a few times in your life and one of them was the day he tried to kiss you and you fucking ran away. It’s the most beautiful feeling, especially with him, because you know what’s coming and you can’t but enjoy every second you stare at each other and your faces draw closer to each other’s until your noses brush against each other’s.

“I’m really going to kiss you, you know.” He murmurs against your lips.

“I know.” You reply almost silently, until he finally presses his lips against yours and you kiss him back with an easiness that you could only feel with him. He brings your body closer to his, if that’s possible, and you slowly put your arms around his neck, clinging to him as if it could make this moment last longer. Many people are watching, but that’s not a concern for you right now because after all this time and after all those nights wondering if Bucky would ever come back to you, this is all you’ve wanted and there’s nothing that can ruin this. His hands clench around your waist and it really feels that you’re his and he’s yours finally, the kiss is long, but not long enough for your liking and he slowly pulls away, unable to erase his smile.

“Well, that’s new.” You murmur with a wide grin, making him chuckle and look down, trying to hide his blushed cheeks. “If I got paid for every time you blushed…” You add, making him look up again and stare as he bites his lip.

“It’s your fault, I can’t control that!” He says almost laughing, and you laugh too as both of you have forgotten you were dancing in the first place. Looking around you, you take Bucky’s hand in yours and lead him out of the dance floor and out of the room, hoping that not many people saw you, but then again, it doesn’t really matter to you. You get to an empty, wide hallway and find a wide couch where you sit, taking off your heels.

“Y/n, what are you doing?” He puts his fists on his hips, chuckling.

“Come here,” You tap the cushion. He chuckles again and joins you, propping his elbow on the back rest, staring at you.

“I just didn’t want everybody looking at us, we’ve been waiting for a moment like this and I don’t want it to be ruined.” You add, putting your legs beneath you, covering them with your long dress. He tilts his head to one side, smiling at you. His blue eyes glow the more you stare at them, and they speak more than anything you could possibly say right now. “You’ve always looked at me like that and I’ve known exactly what you meant.” You reach up to caress his stubble, tracing your thumb along his cheekbone.

“I can’t believe I finally have you, that’s all.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “Come here.” He says, grabbing your waist and pulling you closer to him, until your leg is propped on his lap and he caresses your thigh slow and rhythmically.

“If I fall asleep here, you’re going to have to carry me to Sam’s room, you know.” You say as you rest your head on the backrest and look up at him. He laughs and leans over to kiss you, smiling against your lips.

“I know that, sweetheart.” He nods.

Your phone buzzed and buzzed over the bedside table and as sleepy as you were, you couldn’t ignore it. Reaching for your phone, you barely check your notifications, seeing you have countless texts from Sam and a couple missed calls. You realize you’re on 20%, so you decide you’ll text him back whenever you get out of bed and get a charger. Sighing deeply, you shift on your place and stare at the ceiling for a while, thinking of everything that happened the night before and how it all still feels like a dream, like something you’d only made up in your head. With a short glance, you realize he’s still sleeping, rather soundly, and you slowly slide out of the bed, trying not to move him or make any noise. You find your dress lying on the floor, but a dress definitely isn’t a comfortable morning wear, so you put on Bucky’s t-shirt from last night and smile as the smell of his cologne hits your nostrils, still lingering from last night. After having had quite a few drinks and very hasty night, you feel the need to wash your face and clean up a little bit; your makeup still lingers from last night, and it’s not as horrid as you thought it’d be, but you try to remove some stains and whatever makes you look like you woke up with a hangover. You find a little brand-new mouthwash by the sink and use a bit of it, to freshen up. After brushing your hair, you feel you’re now rather decent, and go back to bed. Climbing slowly up the bed, you notice he’s still sleeping and looking so relaxed and at peace. As you cover your body with the duvet, he shifts in his place, sighing deeply as he rubs his eyes with the back of his hands. You watch him as he turns to see you and gives you the biggest smile one can get at this time of the day.

“Good morning.” You smile at him, running your fingers through his hair as he closes his eyes for a second, sighing softly at your touch.

“Morning, doll.” He replies with a deeper voice than you know. “Sleep well?” He asks, with a light frown, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Of course I did, you?” He hums, and props his elbow on the pillow, and you mimic his position.

“I’ll be right back.” He says, getting out of bed and heading to the bathroom wearing only his briefs, letting you admire for a moment his sculpted chest and back, making you curse yourself for waiting so long for this to happen. You assume he went to wash up, too, and as he comes back into the room he stops and frowns. “Are you wearing my t-shirt?” He puts his fists on his hips, making his arms and chest look even better from where you’re sitting.

“Of course I am, I had to get up earlier and it was the first thing I found.” You shrug, and he shakes his head, climbing back on the bed. Both of you sit on the bed, crossing your legs and you stretch out your arms, feeling your back relax right after.

“I must have like five hundred texts from Sam.” He runs a hand through his still messy hair.

“I’m sure I have twice that.” You roll your eyes, thinking about every single joke Sam must be making up right now, saving them for the moment he sees you and Bucky together. Wait…are you two together? What did last night mean? Did it mean anything at all? Your head’s filled with all the questions you’ve wanted to avoid all this time and clearly your face can’t hide your concern.

“Y/N, are you okay?” You shake your head and smile at him, trying to hide whatever’s bugging you.

“Yeah, I was just, um…thinking about…” He stares at you, his eyes glistening in the way they always do when he’s around you. He always looks you in the eye when he listens to you, he’s a great listener. You gaze at him for a moment and remember every single moment he’s made you feel as if you’re floating, of every time you thought of him when buying a CD or a record and how he would like it when he borrowed it from you, when you watched him make Sarah her favorite waffles and every Saturday breakfast you shared. There was nothing you could do, you were in love with Bucky Barnes.

“About…what an idiot I am for taking so long to…do this.” He leans over and kisses you, a deep but short kiss, resting his hand on your neck.

“Are you sure? Is that it?” He frowns, caressing your cheek with his thumb. You nod give him a small smile.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” You sigh and gaze at him for yet another moment, relishing in the peace of this moment. “I had a lot of fun last night…but…” You take a second to think and finally realize that there’s something you need to say now before it’s too late. “I’m scared of hurting you and Sarah, of getting involved in that small family you have there and messing it all up.”

“Y/N, doll, you’re not gonna hurt us, I want to be with you.” He takes your hands in his. “I can take care of myself…and Sarah. And all I know is that being with you is what I’ve wanted since you recommended all those CD’s and records at the store that day.” You narrow your eyes at him, unable to hide the smile he just caused on you.

“Really? Ever since that day?”

“Well, if you didn’t like me that day, then I didn’t like you either.” He holds up his hands. He makes you chuckle; he always makes you laugh. You grab a pillow and hit his head gently, making him fake an Ouch! and hit you back, messing up your hair.

“What are you, eight?” You laugh at him, fixing your hair and faking a judgmental face.

“I have a daughter younger than that, you know.” You chuckle, look down at your knotted fingers, thinking about how someone could ever walk away from him and Sarah and the wonderful home they make, then again, you don’t even know what happened with her, you don’t know who she is, how they met and how he ended up getting Sarah. You barely know anything about them and all the uncertainty has caused you the fear you feel right now.

“Y/N, honey, I still feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.” He says, making you look up at him. “Is it about Sarah?”

“No!” You quickly reply. “No, it’s not Sarah, I…I love that kid.” You assure him. “It’s just the fact that you’re a single dad and…that I still don’t know anything about…”

“Her mother?” He frowns, and it strikes you that maybe this wasn’t the moment to bring that up. You frown, too, nodding but he remains silent for a moment.

“You don’t have to tell me, it’s just that what’s held me back is that I don’t know enough about you and your story and you don’t know a lot of things about me either…”

“I want to tell you, Y/N.” he cuts you off. “I’ve been meaning to tell you but the moments weren’t right or I was afraid of doing it.”

“Which is exactly why you don’t have to tell me, Buck. I’m just always full of fears, even about things that feel…more than right.” You pause. “I don’t want to spoil this moment and last night, so let’s not talk about this for a moment.”

“I just…don’t want you to ever feel afraid of anything when you’re with me.” More than being crystal blue, Bucky’s eyes had a truth and emotion in them that you had never seen before. You’ve trusted people, you’ve believed in somebody’s good heart but not like this.

|Tagging some people I haven't talked to in a while but that I really appreciate (feel free to ask me to remove your tag)

@stuckonjbbarnes @mushyjellybeans @honeyvbarnes @babblingbonky @mrwinterr @valkyriesryde @mypassionsarenysins @livyourextralife

Permanent taglist: @imma-new-soul

Fic taglist: @eliza5616 @jamesbarnesappreciationclub @93generation

@shawnie--jo @cheeseedreams47

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #single dad bucky #single dad bucky x reader #sam wilson #steve rogers #peggy carter #captain america #marvel #mcu #the falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws #sebastian stan #anthony mackie

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