i hate being fine all day & then all of a sudden feeling miserable

It's awful when I'm on the job and an elderly person asks me for help bending over/picking something up especially when they ask so nicely.. I haven't been able to find a polite way to refuse. It's hard being the designated young person when you're invisibly disabled

pain nausea the last 3 fucking days and my shoulders and ribs so much im gonna take out all my fucking bones and become a worm

hejehge

A question re: the way you handle elf teeth: assuming that the multiple sets of teeth grow in slowly over time, does elf diet influence the speed at which they grow in? Or the health/durability of the new set once they are grown in? For instance, if Aredhel lost a tooth in a hunting accident but didn't damage the foundation/new growth, could she alter her diet to grow the new tooth in faster? (I assume nan elmoth would not have a cosmetic dentist in residence. )(Related: would times of privation, like the helcaraxe or the dying days of beleriand do long-term damage to the growing-in set of teeth??)

jrrt show me the dark and fucked up nan elmoth prosthodontia

ok OKAY taking with a large pinch of salt that i have never studied dentistry and performed extremely averagely in 100 level biology years ago, i think yes and yes!

aredhel eating a calcium-or-whatever rich diet to prompt faster and healthier tooth regrowth or regeneration makes a lot of sense to me, mostly because i firmly believe in the inverse—gwindor definitely lost teeth in angband, due to a poor diet as well as obvious physical trauma, and was unable to recuperate and replace them afterward; maedhros was a frequent client of the himring dentist because he just kept breaking his weakened teeth off in things (living and not) post-thangorodrim; etc.

regarding the trek over helcaraxe—during which i think the nolofinweans and their ilk were eating their horses and drinking seal blood to avoid starvation and thus not receiving much vitamin c, d, or otherwise—a lot of them suffered tooth loss and found themselves with slow-growing and very brittle replacements. i think disability and chronic pain struck the exiles quickly and in ways they didnt imagine: who would have suffered serious nutrient deficiencies in a fantastically plentiful land? certainly someone, but not a significant enough population that i think the amanyar would give a shit pre-darkening. so what do you think and do when your teeth start falling out on the ice? what is the precedent for that? is there one? were there dentists in aman? periodontists? orthodontists? or was the declining health and quality of ones teeth an entirely new experience in beleriand?

all teeth-related questions that keep me up at night

thoughts on beautiful sick bodies

i have some kind of joint disease that is yet to be diagnosed. im in and out of the rheumatology department of my hospital all the time now, and sometimes i get scared, or angry, or resentful, because i dont like that im 25 and might end up disabled or in a wheelchair or whatever

and i know that happens to a lot of folks, but im scared of losing my strength, and my youth, and my grace, and my dignity, and my independence, and my and my and—

but today my rheumatologist’s waiting room was completely packed, and about 90% of the patients were women, probably reflecting how these autoimmune diseases tend to dwell in our bodies more frequently. and there were all these women using a wider variety of canes and walkers and wheelchairs than i ever realized existed. 

i saw one woman walking with a cane that wrapped around her forearm, so she was able to control it with her arm instead of having to press down on her wrist. and my whole body is so tired and sore, my wrists especially, and the moment i saw her cane i wanted one for myself. and then suddenly my whole perspective shifted in a way im not sure i can articulate:

she was cool. she had this dope cane and she could get around without exacerbating her pain. she outsmarted a disease. she was a fiery, beautiful genius.

and then all at once all the ladies in the waiting room seemed so cool, so unutterably beautiful. 

i had crushes on all of them. the two friends maybe in their 60s who were yakking at each other, their canes occasionally clinking together as they shifted their heads together in talk i couldn’t keep up with. the woman who was sleeping across three chairs like she didnt give a fuck, took up the space her body needed her to take up, because chronic fatigue is a dick. 

i heard a cane clinking down the hallway quite quickly and rhythmically. i closed my eyes and vividly imagined it belonged to someone tall, handsome, dangerous—kaz brekker came to mind, all strong and resilient and sexily masculine, because the cane clinked with such speed that it announced a certain confidence in its user.

and then the cane user turned the corner, and i saw it was a little old woman in her 80s. she was completely stooped over, her spine entirely curved, just as mine very well could be some day. and she was all the grace and beauty and cool ive ever wanted to be. kaz brekker wishes he were she. she moved so beautifully, and all at once i wasnt afraid of reaching her level of disability, not if i could move through the world like her.

I know this is really dramatic. A few weeks ago I had no idea my body was this sick. A few weeks ago I had no idea what knee pain might feel like, which seems like a joke now. But since learning that I’m sick in this way i’ve discovered how much ableism i’ve internalized. somehow being surrounded by disabled women today healed this nasty little voice that’s been eating at me psychologically while the disease gnawed at my bones.

like, hot damn. people are fucking beautiful.

wait you HATED sweet pool omg. its my least fave out of the n+c releases ive read so far mainly for how flat the characters felt to me and how clumsy a lot of the plot felt but i rlly loved the aesthetic/general vibe it had so thats rlly interesting to me,if ur up for it id love to know what didnt click for u ^_^

when i judge how bad a VN is with my brother (avid VN reader as well) we use Sweet Pool as a basically "zero" on the scale of professional, large VNs.

Sweet Pool's writing was WEIRD. I can do some weird, thats fine. Weird ass-birth stillborn meatslugs? ... okay, ill... look past that. ok i wont lie, the constant ass-birth was hard for me. i really did try to not judge it on that but like, there was almost constant buttbirth going on. ive made peace with this by now, kinda making a link to myself about the connections of it to being an unintentional trans narrative in many ways and all but like. it was WEIRD. and kinda hard to read. it didnt strike me as horror, it struck me as "weird fetish i have to sit through. oh my god is he licking tha- PUT IT DOWN Z-DAWG. Ok christ."

The characters were also weird. I laughed out loud in surprise at how stupid the "i saved you from being raped <3 SO I CAN RAPE YOU, PSYCH!" scene was. like wtf was that??????

(I hope you werent planning on USING that butthole, mister!)

i did not enjoy the art style, i think its the ugliest N+C art style yet and since. not my thing. many angles and proportions look weird. the CGs looked stiff and uninspired. it NEVER grew on me. no shade to people who liked it or the artist it just.. wasnt my thing. not unbearable but just. not. as good as it could have been and def took away from the experience.

i didnt like any of the endings. it wasnt scary it was weird. the pacing was weird. for being a BL, it had very little love just... wtf. and im so sad abt what they did to mikoto bc i liked him before uuuUuUuUu yandere plot twwwwist. bleh.... dollar store keisuke! they would FORCE the true end so you maybe go, "maybe the true end is satisfying and good an-" no. its not. fuck yoU!

sweet pool was painful. i dont know how else to put my experience. i 100%d it because i 100% everything when i can, and i was literally pushing through like a hiker in a snow storm to finish it. every 3 seconds was secondhand embarrassment. the "jerking off in the classroom" scene comes to mind. i got up and took a break for that one because it was just unbearable. idk how anyone could slap one out to this vn. im not sure if anyone ever has. which makes the sex weird. actually, i dont think there was a single consensual ero scene unless u count the true end fusion scene.

(proof god does not love us)

the aesthetic/vibe was... ehhh... not super unique IMO. school setting immediately put me off, a more gritty and cool toned, dark palate made things interesting but, its still a "weird thing happens in high school" story. kinda bored to death of HS settings in VNs.

i did like the protag tho! he was interesting and it was nice having a chronically ill protag even if it was just a plot device to make him be able to miss school while going on a... dark apartment birth marathon.

sweet pool felt like a bizarre, amateur fanfiction for a fetish i dont have.

the soundtrack is very memorable as well as the opening pre-game sequence, i liked the concept of the choice button meanings, but they were very rough in actual use.

this is my favorite CG i appreciate the aquarium set up instead of a fish bowl (though he could do better...)

(shame about them turning into meat popcorn tho...)

i liked the iguana lol

i didnt care about these guys so much i dont even remember their names most of the time. except zenya. i liked him cus hes so cute and batshit crazy and has intersex swag.

(does this shade match my festering flesheye?)

all in all?

i give sweet pool a 2/10 butt babies.

--------- CONS:

no shortage of buttbirth stuff

seems to have lost the "love" in "BL".

some characters arent even original... FROM THEIR OWN STUDIO.

boring, hard to follow story

character focus on a character who has no personality. this guy is the gijinka of the hair that gathers at the drain of your shower.

designs that just are not very memorable or unique, without the personality to work with

story has routes but none of them were thought much of, should have just been a kinetic

confusing choice buttons

WAY too many choices for a VN with 3 candidates. makes 100%ing a drag.

predictable story

----------

PROS:

no shortage of buttbirth stuff, i mean, if youre into that

a soundtrack that makes up for the lack of good ero because this OST FUCKS

still a better love story than twilight

-----------

note: i read it in offical ENG, so i was no doubt getting a lower quality version. i dont think the original text would have helped getting it more than a single grade higher.

theres no way i have this.

look, heres all the proof you need. im whining about not having DID lmao

who truly has DID and does that? no. body. thats all the proof you need

people who truly dissociate suffer from it. i dont. i love the numbness from my body that experiences so much discomfort (not even chronic pain not even pain like all other DID systems have just fucking discomfort, mostly caused by autism hypersensitivity) i love the feeling of being detached from my own flesh prison ugly undesirable embarassing body. i am fucking faking im prob psycho or sum shit lmaooo

i dont even dissociate that badly. other real DID and even OSDD systems be out here so dissociated they dont even fuckin know their name and feel like nothings real all the time. i never forget my name or personal information, i just forget what i just thought or zone out daydreaming or sum shit and say "whoops! i dissociated sorry" or if im lucky, have few seconds long derealization in little few day long episodes. i dont even fucking dissociate for real. definitely not enough to have DID

i never had severe trauma. i was too disabled and shielded. fuck, the disabilities i was born with prob mimic DID. brain damage to the hippocampus, a majorly affected part of the brain in DID put two and together lmao. who knows how psycho the brain damage made me. im autistic and intellectually disabled, all people with intellectual disability are perverts they get arrested for sex crimes more than other people lmfao ofc i was hypersexual at 3 there was no sexual abuse i am too ugly to be sexually abused or even desired ofc im faking being sexually abused to make me feel better about myself lmfaooo i just cant live with the fact i was born a worthless undesirable unfuckable ugly pervert

if i had DID i wouldnt fucking remember when i was 3 who tf u kiddin

im sensitive to yelling and the least little "threatening" tone or touch or even fucking hand signal. if i was really sexually abused id be triggered by sexual shit, not the least little thing like a trauma free scared little baby

if i had DID id switch out more, especially when triggered or in situations where it would help. idk if i even switch out, i prob js fall asleep, wake up and do shit in the early stages of waking up i dont remember. instead my alters are just back there and do nothing when im being retraumatized and i have to call out mentally loudly to get any alters to respond anymore. then just trying to communicate with them gives me a headache from hell. proof enough my alters are delusions and im some psycho. most of my "alters" are just vague faces with voices and not much of identity. most of them fade away. just like delusions.

i feel like im worthless unless i was sexually abused. my whole worth depends on it for some fucked up reason. i will get defensive toward the two people i live with who say it didnt happen, they arent honest all the time but when they say theres no chance it happened bc i was too shielded even tho i have memories of being alone w him (no abuse memories bc fuck no) i believe it and feel iffy when i even wonder if i was sexually abused. when i think about any other form of abuse i suffered or trauma i have, i feel like that means i wasnt sexually abused. i have no memories of it, i never did until someone pointed out that my hypersexuality at 3 was a sign of sexual abuse so i went diving for the memories myself. then what i got were a few random half ass flashbacks to the sexual abuse. if i was really sexually abused i wouldve had flashbacks to it waaay before i made myself remember. everyone else with ptsd, did osdd etc does

other people with DID feel broken and suffer because of their trauma. they remember it somehow and suffer from the effects of it. i just suffer from wanting to have the trauma to be valid, not knowing if the trauma happened and having things trauma victims have but no memories of the trauma. the only flashbacks i have are to things i deserve, things that other people would agree i deserve and arent anywhere near as traumatizing as it can get for a real sexual abuse survivor. things that dont cause DID and rarely cause ptsd. i have cringe ass trauma. i dont have valid trauma.

i dont really have DID and i wasnt sexually abused. i just held onto the idea as an excuse for me being a worthless, born broken, jealous, delusional psycho pervert who will never amount to anything, never matter enough to get a job, marry or have a family, never mattered enough to be smart or do normal kid things because of my disabilities, never got to be cool and wont be, am trying to be cool and matter when i never will, am so ugly my body doesnt deserve love and sure as fuck wasnt sexually desired as a little kid how fucking sick of me to even want that to matter, and dont matter because of my disabilities. im sorry for faking it all. no wonder my denial was so strong, it was never real anyway. now im gonna do some major fucking harm to my ugly waste of space and resources body and kill myself. im fucking sick and tired of living in hell from my own brain torturing me saying im worthless and not valid and more i cant say here. good fucking bye.

Theoi and my chronic condition

I have a condition where if i get too emotional, my chest inflames around my heart sack, and it crushes my heart. If it gets too intense, i could die genuinely. So, I've lived a lot of my life learning how to emotionally regulate and such.

But some times i miss the gods so much it hurts worse than heartache, it aches so bad its misrible and i hated having to go crawling up to some one and grabbing on begging them to come back so it dosnt hurt so bad or to ease the pain with touch or even just a glance. (Now i take pride in being obnoxious/lh )

They are so kind to me with this, so understanding, i dont bother them i never have, they care about respect and they have opinions on me and what i do and what i should or shouldnt and when to speak about what and all that but then when im like this its like they set things down for just a moment and hold me, or speak, or comfort or take me somewhere to get my mind off it, encourage me to keep going and take deep breaths.

Before when i didnt reach out when i didnt know how or couldnt, Apollo still sat with me, he knew what was going on he always knew and he was so patient with me and my emotional outbursts over it, the beginning was hard with this condition but they made it less painfull and have saved my life by simply loving me.

Ive had this since i was 13, this crushing heart and these painfull feelings. Whats worse is its an abnormality of an existing chronic illness so a lot of doctors will tell me i just cant have it while my heart is actively being crushed, surprise surprise when they look for what i demand they find it is infact true (my heart leaks when its crushed thats how i prove it)

Having to live with that surrounded by doctors who didn't believe me even when i had a cardeologist for it was baffling. It was horrible, and because it was an abnormality, i was put through a lot of tests my god awful gardians signed me up for when i was too delerious to know and too young to care I was poked and prodded and fucked with and forced to run and push myself and hurt it hurt so bad. But Apollo was there later into it, listened to me cry about it, listened to me vent

He held me and helped me learn how to cope how to do better for myself

And Hermes runs to me to cheer me up when it gets so bad it starts to inflame again and i reach out.

The love i feel for them is immense. And i appriciate everything theyve done for me along the way.

This happened the same time as K showing up (personal note)

This pain is daily but my regulation and self care with it is good, im not as reliant as i used to be and i am really proud of myself, but i owe it to them mostly for helping me up on my own and giving me the stability and love i wouldve never recived in that hell hole.

Tell me Jesse has access to a good team of doctors in Alaska who care for him!! How do you think he would address or explain some of his issues to the doctors without telling them too much? I’ve been so concerned for his poor respiratory system for so long, please tell me he will be ok! *I’m dragged away by security

u know that i would travel across the boundaries of fiction and time to ensure that this man has access to only the best medical care in alaska. u just know that when he very reluctantly went to that first general practitioner appointment, the physician was just like "Oh My God" and started emailing every specialist in their contacts. i think that jesse would just try to explain what he's feeling without going into detail about how or why he ended up in this state (ex. saying he "used to work with chemicals" and not going into further detail about why or what chemicals). he doesnt want even the vaguest information about what he's been through documented in writing, so he'll keep his mouth shut even if it means not getting sufficient care. thankfully, respiratory symptoms are pretty easy to pick up on during an exam, so "chemicals" + chronic cough would give a good foundation for treatment even if he didnt share anything else. just the thought of prolonged, unprotected exposure to the caustic chemicals needed to make meth and how he did it all by himself and in fucking chains makes me want to develop a whole care plan for him. jesse should get to enjoy his freedom totally and in the least amount of pain possible and i dont even care if its unrealistic given the geographic proximity of healthcare resources to haines, he is GOING to get the help and follow-up care he needs

Heyyy papa idk why I am invading ur inbox rn DNFNFNFB I just wanted to say stuff about how for some reason I like hearing your memories maybe cuz I never had like those kind myself just the feelings of things that happened in cannon

So I like you talking about them or your wings and your HUGE nest in las nevadas I think I would have liked to be there just us sleeping and you wrapping your wings around me and me wishing to be able to fly around with you

I think I always liked the idea

Of being a big dragon and fly around with my wings and have fun and spend time with my family

I didn't make the entire revived AU for nothing dnfbfjr

If you want to ramble abt your memories idm I love hearing them :]]

-tilin⭑

I ALWAYS LOVE RECEIVING EXTRA MESSAGES FROM YOU KIDS - ITS OK !!!

AND THATS VERY VERY SWEET HBSJDBD

That’s heartwarminngg hhhhh<3

I WOULD HAVE LOVED FOR YOU TO BE THERE IN MY NEST AS WELL - that nest was so cozy it made me feel so safe and it was SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT I HAVE NOW SOB

BUT I TOTALLY WILL RAMBLE - ILL ALWAYS RAMBLE VIA REQUEST >:D

I was so very very vocal around you kids - dsmp and qsmp,, im just full of bird noises :]!! Coos, chirps, quacks, squawks, you name it !!! I had a large variety of bird noises I made towards you and your siblings <3 !!

In the dsmp i had a bad track record with love and was verY traumatized so the way I showed love at first was through gifts !!! I used to spoil Tommy rotten :]. (Tubbo wouldnt let me - he refused to take my gifts)

And then after I healed and realized I didnt need to hide my affection for others - I gave out words of affirmation and physical touch !!!

I WAS LIKE. PRETTY FUCKED UP ???? In the dsmp, after I got my injury to my eye/face, I had to take a couple weeks at least to be able to properly navigate again. Karl and Sapnap forced me into using a cane, which was something I very much needed if I didn’t want to walk into something or just fall over-

And just the eye thing in general messed me up permanently ??? Like I stopped using my cane and was okay most of the time without it - but my vision was really fucked and I couldn’t read cursive at all and needed bigger writing on documents to be able to read them, but the dsmp wasn’t a very accessible space so I just sucked it up and dealt with it.

I even learned braille because of it !!! Sam taught me braille !!! Sam also taught me some basic ASL and Foolish taught me more in depth ASL.

I remember Wil getting bad back pains and just aches after they got revived. I think it was just a side effect they had to deal with after it all. We couldn’t do much to help it, but I always made sure to give them a heating pad and some good pillows !!

Speaking of - I believe both me and Wil had chronic fatigue ? I think I just had it while Wil got it as a side effect from getting revived - either way it SUCKED

I remember playing with Fundy during Pogtopia and making sure he stayed fed and kept him company when I could :]

This isn’t a memory but in my head I always refer to Ranboo as the weird stray cat my kids decided to start feeding that never left lmao /lh /aff

Phil took care of me once ???????? I’m pretty sure I was grieving Wilbur and dealing with a whole bunch of feelings about that entire situation when he died - and I ended up on Phils doorstep basically completely shut down and he took me in and just started fully taking care of me. It was a weird experience- I don’t like the man for my own personal grudges but he’s still a kind soul.

Wilbur had a tendency to work himself or keep himself busy until he passed out - he hated sleeping after revival.

Schlatt but the bi in bitch - and other than that fantastic line I don’t want to talk about him lmao

OH I once panicked after I couldn’t find Tommy in the penthouse thing we stayed in in Las Nevadas and made various chirps and warbles while searching for them- they were simply in another room and I was panicked for no reason , Tommy did end up responding with quiet confused chirps hhdjdbd

I HAD SHARP FANGS AND TALONS >:D!!!! I think I also wore fingerless gloves too - sometimes just wearing plain gloves to hide the burn scars that I had on my hands

AND I DONT HAVE AS MANY QSMP MEMS BUT I remember feeling uneasy around Bad ????? He was a friend of mine n all but I remember avoiding him for a bit and feeling unsafe around him annnd I don’t quite know why

OH AND I DEFINITELY PERCHED ON ETOILES SHOULDERS !!! He was THE friend ever actually :3

Jaiden and Baghera were / are like siblings to me, almost !!! I remember we were pretty close :D !! Jaiden and I were close friends and Baghera and I had more of a sibling relationship !!

I vaguely remember Maximus introducing me to his daughter !!! She was pretty cool and it was an awesome experience

THATS ALL I HAVE FOR NOW- I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS !!!!!

guess who?? it’s kp anon!! damn this forest episode was such a different vibe than the stuff we’ve seen before. I felt like I was watching different characters (did they film this early or something?) but I’m not complaining it was still amazing 1/7

they finally talked and kinn could be himself and show his soft goofy side!! they were so cute, p teaching him to fish and playing around in the water and stuff. and they’re just so in love?? like girl when p lied down on kinn and he looked at him smiling and nuzzled his hair??? I died a little. and the way p purposefully lost the game to sacrifice himself AAAH I thought that would be the most angsty thing I will get in this ep (HA) p finally got to see the real kinn and he’s immediately ready to give up a hand, very relatable. kinn is madly in love but what else is knew? this little shit really let himself be handcuffed to p for several days just to enjoy his company. that was so gay (affectionate) <3 AND THE ENDING!! SO MUCH WAS HAPPENING!! HE LET HIM GO HE FUCKING LET HIM GO but i knew p would turn around and kiss him, i cant with these two!! and the way p wrapped his arms around him bc he didn’t want to let go!! and kinn was holding his shirt like?? I’m honestly losing my mind they love each other so much i can’t do this anymore. and k was so heartbroken but he did it bc he loves him AAHH i just want them to be happy. BUT THEN P CAME BACK TO SAVE HIM AND KINN LITERALLY TOOK A BULLET FOR HIM LIKE?? THIS SHOW IS EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED THE YEARNING THE ANGST THE PURE LOVE THEY HAVE FOR EACH OTHER? THEY WOULD LITERALLY DIE FOR EACH OTHER I JUST HAVE TO SCREAM I’M SORRY. this is already the best bl I’ve ever watched and I know it will ruin me when it ends. I seriously can’t do this weekly thing I need to consume this whole thing at once. Sorry my messages are not that profound like your metas but I can’t remember the last time I was this hooked on a show!!!

me every day this week: i should answer my beloved kp anon but they deserve a proper response ill do it tomorrow when im not tired

also me every day this week: never gets any less tired. lets go chronic pain gang

yes yes yes the way they were so soft and tactile with each other the whole episode, the way they were allowed to just be themselves around each other!! the fishing scene was so incredible, kinn getting all giddy and happy when he was taught, the way you really get to understand that he never really had a childhood - never really got to do anything himself, things were always bought or rigged for him but this, porsche teaching him how to do something instead of doing it for him, kinn proving to himself that he can be good at things was so special to him

i could go on and on and on about how kinn played rock every time they did rock paper scissors and, porsche isn't stupid, i know that man picked up on it, i know he could have won on purpose but he didn't!! the way he was literally willing to sacrifice a whole ass HAND for him really speaks volumes for how much he cares about him

god god god, the knowledge that, as soon as porsche told him he found a knife, kinn could have uncuffed them, but he didnt because he wanted to be stuck with porsche like this. the way you can see the guilt weighing on him when they fall in the little cavern thing and porsche gets frustrated, the way kinn holds his arm so tenderly to stop his wrist from getting marked up anymore, his sad little voice when he says 'this helps us get to know each other better', thats just laced with so much guilt because he thinks this is his fault. that its just another way he's hurting porsche. and then porsche goes and volunteers to lose a hand for him and kinn is done. he knows he cant keep him shackled to him, literally or metaphorically, anymore and so he just... he lets him go. he looks at porsche and says this is how i love, i love enough to let you go.

god the hug kiss combo was so good. it was so imperfect but thats what made it so perfect because it was full of desperation and longing and panic, it was just the two of them wanting to be close and to hold on for as long as possible because they both know that this is it. this is the last thing they'll get of each other. so they hold each other so tight and clutch and kiss and grip like they never want to let go. and then porsche coming back for him!!!! because even if he was never going to see kinn again, to live in a world where he's dead, to live in a world where theres no more kinn isn't a reality he's prepared to face. so he runs back and saves him because he never had another option.

also i hope u saw the special clip they released kp anon beloved!!!! the softness of them in it fucking fuck!!!!

watching kinnporsche isnt enough anymore i need to unhinge my jaw and swallow it whole

just a rant cause brain

i struggle to even play older games that i grew up playing, i struggle to play basically anything thats not gta online and honestly its just that; 1. I have to be good at something, it used to be skateboarding, i can draw relatively well but chronic pain makes it hard, I'm not the best player on gta but i know im better than most people

2. Thats the game i was playing when i had my head injury...brain trauma and memory loss. It was hard at first to really even competently play gta remembering the number of click up or down in a menu where a hurdle but ultimately was good for my brain and memory health, but its because i mostly knew it before i wasnt a full tryhard but i didnt start at square one, playing ANYTHING else, except left for dead 2 with my boyfriend i feel frustrated and lost and it makes me feel so stupid and it makes me not even want to try new games i barely gave RDR2 a try and that mostly functions like gta, im mostly just rambling, i do love gta i enjoy grinding and playing missions and i enjoy messing around in freemode doing stupid shit with friends and i love making little toxic rat cunts that think they're hot shit cry and rage like little babies because the gay furry bent them over in the game, i just normal pvp and 1v1's and playing beach or sniping or trying to snipe someone from something or trying to RPG a or forcing a spawn trying to get a certain kek whatever it is is that can be a cool video or clip and the i fucking love making the videos i couldnt give a fuck less they're the least viewd thing on the channel i love making them and its proof youtube success isnt skill because the kid that sit in RC cars and Armored vehicles have 50k subs and 200k views every video and all they do is bait or fuck with real tryhard and make a 15 min video about "look at him he's gunna EWO" or fucking up some wannabe and claiming you beat a real tryhard meanwhile i swear we do the most epic shit ive seen a gta youtuber do:

-killing godmode players -killing orb spamming booters -killing lagswitchers -killing perma off radar and job TP abusers -killing passive players

We are litteraly un matched on console no one has done the kind of shit we do in the game since SUCE did back in like 2018ish years and it was on PC we do everything on console where there's not a shred of doubt every shot we take is just our aim and accuracy and every fight outcome is just skill, a video where someone starts a fight, loses, goes perma off radar, loses further and then job TP around just to continue to get fucked up even off the radar teleporting around gets maybe 50 views is fine by me cause at the end of the day i know we're just living our best life and making a little content out of a game we'd be playing anyway, and people we'd be fucking up anyway because we arent ever really trying, i wont lie yes some videos we try, but a good portion of the time we just arent its more that the rats and cheaters are extremely predictable im gunna end the rant here its basically just that i guess i cant go on any other game and come out on top over other actual competitive PvP players and cheaters i know as i just stated i dont even need to be good at the top teir like that to make content but idk we're mostly just doing what we want maybe i'll try to start streaming some other stuff maybe i'll try streaming diablo or fallout as well, maybe i need to entirly lose my ego when it comes to video games cause they're suppposed to just be fun right?

Wes said something to Tim about caring about me and wanting to help. He's full of shit because he's not prepared to even try to understand what led to the situation in the first place. It's 100% my fault the house was like that, Dad's not responsible for the mess my children made in his care because they are my kids so it's my problem. I spent most of a year in bed in too much pain to get up, my kids my problem. I begged Dad to not let them make a mess when he was looking after them because I couldnt keep up because I have chronic fucking illnesses, my kids my problem. When I asked Dad to look after the cats when I went away and he didnt empty a single litter tray, forcing them to pee in random places and leaving the cats pissing all over the house because no matter what you do the smell is always there so they klthink it's an acceptable toilet, my cats my problem. And Emma's done nothing wrong by packing up everything that was covered in cat pee, as though I would want any of it. Everything that's broken, everything that's damaged and everything I had already discussed wasnt coming. And dumped it in my driveway when she thought I wouldnt be home. My kids, my cats, my problem. Has anyone told her, it aint her house yet? She's already taken over the entire upstairs and kicked Mum and Dad out to downstairs. Far out, all the years I was there I wouldnt have dreamed of doing that to my parents. I wouldnt ask or suggest. Once, when Mum was struggling with her mobility, I asked Dad if it might be helpful to them if they move to the downstairs bedroom so that Mum didnt have to struggle with the stairs. He said he didnt want to but it would be much better for her so with her best interests in mind he suggested it to her. She said no. End of discussion. Never brought it up again, because it's purpose was only ever in helping my Mother. She didnt want to move rooms, so that's all there was to be said. Neither of them wanted to be kicked to downstairs and if I was the one buying Emma out, as had always been expected, there's no way I would have moved them downstairs or anywhere if it wasnt what they wanted. The name on the title doesnt give you the right to lose your compassion, humanity and love. All these years of her saying she didnt want to house and wouldnt expect me to pay rent because financially she was comfortable and didnt need it... because of Dad she didnt want anything to do with the house, but the moment he suggested putting it in our names she jumped to claim the position of buying me out and started taking over their lives, controlling their movements and access within thwir own house.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

2022 reflections.

(sorry if i don't uppercase my letters and basic writing skills, my tablet is horrible and likes to fight me and i am not in the mood to allow myself to win it at the moment because this is going to be free-flow, babes.)

tw: health/mental illness

i didnt go into this year thinking i would face a cancer scare but thats what i was given in May of 2022. i noticed my heart was giving me more and more grief than it had in the years before but it started in January and kept not going away. i would have sharp chest pain for a couple days then it would go away, that was my normal and i have always joked with Mayme to just raise your arms and dance the pain away when she was experiencing it... well, the pain didnt go away from Jan to May. the pain started to affect my left side, chronic sharp pain and numbness for days on end. my blood pressure was higher than ever before. My resolution for this year WAS to become firm with my healthcare mainly with my mental health, so spoilers: THAT HAPPENED BIG TIME so the pain wasnt going away and i was getting sicker mentally fucked and all that jazz. so i called to set up primary care with mother mayo not expecting to get seen til Sept.

i am stupid lucky to live in a town that houses mayo clinic but if your not a medical mystery, old as balls, a direct employee, and/or rich--they tend to put you on the back-burner because they are understaffed. (side note: i had to call a doctor for a patient the other day and they accidentally wired me the vip hotline and i was screaming at the shade i got from the secretary but i digress).

I got crazy lucky that the first person i saw was a nurse practitioner that specialized under a cardiology doctor, she kept getting notes that she couldnt schedule me for generalized appointments til months out but the minute there was a cancellation downtown or at the clinic 10 minutes down from my workplace, she would call me.

through her efforts and calls during that month, i found out that my heart is literally sideways (and a smol lad) and that i have a couple blood disorders i.e. thrombocytosis.

in june, i was expecting to be confirmed that it was leukemia. it can still happen but my pcp managed to solve a medical mystery from 16 years ago of what happened to my blood results (a nurse called my mom in a panic needing me to call them asap... i called for 6 months and they couldnt track down my results so i gave up and that remained a worry for me all this time). if she didnt get those results, i would be treated for cancer per how fucked up my levels are however my levels are nearly identical between age 18 and 34 that its VERY slow progressing.

that same day in June, i began my treatment plan for my depression and anxiety. in August, was diagnosed with bipolar as a treat after failing my first couple months on zoloft and weekly tele-conferences that as of Dec 2022 i will be slowly needing to wean off from because my insurance will not pay for in 2023. I have finally found two medications that seem to be stable in my body for my anxiety/depression and i just need to document my bipolar episodes but dont need to receive treatment for the time being.

May was a hard month and every result hinted for the worse but i am better now. I still have chest pain and the pinching numbness in my left limbs but now i know that it's because i have a funky lil heart trying its best to work with my funny fucked up blood.

So in conclusion, even if it is all in your head--if you think something is wrong, speak out and fight for yourself. Get checked out because you will only learn new things and learning is for cool kids.

I cannot wait to learn more about myself in 2023's health journey.

im so fucking excited abt these internships