#IM FUCKING RELAPSING AGAIN
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hejehge
#i cant wait to get out of this fucking house#still a few years until i can legally move out and even then i probably won’t be able to for a few more years bc of money#my dad gets mad at me for showing any emotion ever or being anything other than the perfect golden child#no one will fucking believe me that im autistic and disabled#i get fatigued from walking out of a fucking restaurant to the parking lot! look me in the eyes and tell me thats normal!#but just because im fat thats the reason for all my issues#thats why i have chronic pain and i just don’t exercise enough when they fucking know IM IN RECOVERY FOR ANOREXIA#and my dad wont stop talking about weight loss in front of me even when i ask him to stop because its triggering for me because im#just a fucking snowflake i guess#one time i asked him to stop talking about his diet or whatever when im around and he said no but i could use it myself! AND HE WONDERS WHY#IM FUCKING RELAPSING AGAIN#literally the past entire week i’ve just been repeating ‘no food is as harmful as an eating disorder’ bc its all that will fucking stop me#and he wont believe that i have tics for some reason so i have to fucking suppress them all around him if i dont want to get screamed at#and mid july of 2022 im still not vaccinated for covid. bc my dad is a conservative that doesnt give enough of a shit about me to get it#the only vaccinated person in my family is my mom and my dad didnt want her to get it either#but she says shes an adult so she has bodily autonomy#do i not fucking deserve that? do i not get bodily autonomy bc im a minor? fuck you#and i’ve told both my parents multiple times that i dont like when people touch me without permission except for my friends#ESPECIALLY ON MY FUCKING HIPS AND THIGHS AND ASS#BUT THEY DO IT ANYWAY BC THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT WHAT I WANT#i dont fucking care how shitty adulthood is i dont care aboyt the stresses it gives me i just want to be fucking out of here#i want to be out of here i want to be with people that fucking respect me like my parents don’t#i don’t want to be abused anymore i just want to feel safe in my own fucking home#and i feel like such a spoiled brat because i have everything i need given to me because im a fucking child but im complaining anyways and#logically i know i have every right to complain bc theyre not giving me privileges theyre givimg me basic human rights and even then only#some of them. i dont have fucjing bodily autonomy from the people i should be able to expect it from and i dont have respect or fucking love#the only thing keeping me fucking alive right now is the promise that one day i’ll get out of here#and its fucking terrifying knowing you’re relapsing into anorexia again but its so fucking hard to stop it#its got a fucking grip on me and its so fucking hard to get out of it#vent
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RANT ABOUT PEOPLES WEIRD ATTITUDE ABOUT SHANE STARDEW VALLEY INCOMING!!!
saw people complaining about shane today and saying he is a bad and awful husband and they divorced him after seeing his room and that he becomes boring after he starts getting therapy because the interesting thing about him is his struggle with addiction and after you "fix him" what's the point of being with him And just?? Why?? Did you even marry him?? Like?? I dunno, people are allowed to have opinions on characters but so many peoples' opinions are just?? Really bad and rooted deeply in ableism and misconceptions about mental health/addiction and are super saviory??
I have said this a thousand times but you can't fix people. That's literally not how people work. You can, however, be there for people and try and create a safe environment for them to be able to help themselves!! AND THATS EXACTLY EHAT FUCKING HAPPEMS IN STARDEW!! Shane gets help ON HIS OWN because he is being supported by both his family and the farmer. And to see that just fucking fly over peoples heads makes me so mad because DID WE PLAY THE SAME FUCLING GAME?? YOU DONT FIX SHIT!! YOU ACT AS PART OF A SUPPORT SYSTEM!! (Which is very important but like) YOU AS A SINGULAR PERSON CANT FIX PEOPLE!!
I also just hate the "I can fix them" attitude because, at least in this specific situation, the people saying this are the same people who divorce him because his room is ugly or because he is implied to relapse and still is depressed??? It feels like the same thing as when someone has "spread kindness!" or "love each other!" in their bio and then is the most rancid hateful person ever? The room thing in particular makes me mad because LIKE WHAT DID YUOU THINK IT WAS GOING TO LOOK LIKE?? YOU SAW HIS ROOM AT MARNIE'S, WHAT MADE YOU THINK HIS ROOM IN YOUR HOUSE WAS GOING TO BE ORGANIZED AND SPOTLESS???
Idk like, again, you can dislike Shane and even regret marrying him. He's not very nice to you until you really get his hearts up there so he comes off as rude and abrasive. You don't HAVE TO LIKE HIM!! But so many people just spout hateful shit and it's like god, I hope you never have anyone in your life who suffers from mental illness because even though Shane is a video game character, the stuff you're saying and the ideas you have surrounding addiction and mental health are super toxic and weird and I hope no real person ever has to be subjected to them.
edit (put this in the tags but then wanted to add it to the main post):
#stardew shane#shane sdv#stardew valley#its like also#relapse is often a part of recovery. it doesnt mean the person has given up trying to help themselves or anything it just happens.#and people are so weird for demonizing it or chalking it up to shane not loving you or something??#i cant speak on relapsing based in addiction but ive relapsed on other things and i know that it makes you feel so disappointed im yourself#to on top of that awful feeling have someone who you thought cared about you get mad and make your crisis all about them must be so painful#again like Shane is a character but the things he goes through are incredibly realistic and mirror a lot of peoples real life experiences s#just think before you fucking speak ig#tw: alcholism#tw: addiction#relapse mention#mental illness#rant#cupid.txt#tw: ableism#🌶️
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ummm will u guys get mad at me if i romanticise my ed on here 👉🏻👈🏻
#im relapsing and i need to romanticise it#or else i will end up sewerslidal again#or in the looney bin again#if u have 2 unfollo i understand#pls take care of urself#i dont wanna trigger anyone#but also liiike dis is my blog#n i already post fucked up stuff anyway#sowwy 4 rambling i m veeerry high :33#corruption k1nk#cnc k!nk#r@pe kink#hard k1nk#r4p3play#r4p3b4it#rough cnc#tw ana trigger#tw ed#tw ana#ed kink#abuse k1nk
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#i really fucking hate my brain right now#i put on a pair of jeans today#and they're the only jeans i bought when i was at my lowest with my eating#which means they're the smallest ones i have#and i put them on td and they were tighter than usual#and i fucking hate that im using them as a yardstick for my body but i still do it#and i know logically they're just tighter because 1. im actually fucking eating properly#and 2. i'm bloated anyway from my period#but there was this little voice in the back of my head screaming at me that im not fucking good enough and nobody will ever want me#and i've made alot of progress with my eating#i've not intentionally skipped a meal in almost a month#but my mind wont shut the fuck up#and my partner always says “text me if you need me” but i cant#because it's the middle of the night and for once#for ONCE#theyre actually taking care of themselves and sleeping#and it'd be so shitty to ruin that because i know that thats really hard for them#so now i'm just lying in the dark listening to music#and trying to drown out my thoughts with it#but it's not fucking working and nothings fucking working and im so so scared im going to relapse again#because i dont want to do that anymore but i dont feel like i have a fucking choice#and nobody will probably read this except alex#gods bless them#but i just needed to write the words#because if i dont do something#i'll do something else that id regret a lot more#tw eating#tw eating disorder#ed vent
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It just hit me that its been a long time since ive self harmed in August. ive cut it close a few times but im getting close to 100 days clean heresoon. thats like, kinda insane to me.
#i honest to god never thought id get this far with so few incidents#ive been doing it for like three years and trying to stop for half of that#never beat 30 days#then never beat 50#ive finally gotten past 70 days#and sometimes i still relapse and relapse hard#i was at 72 last time#i really really fucked myself up#burned myself easily over a hundred times#and then in the weeks following didnt even bother counting cuz itd be like every day or two#all said and done once my episode was over i tagged myself 148 times#i counted#i felt so fucking hopeless#like any promise of getting better would just be soothing words to assuage my friends and family before inevitably disappointing them again#but now i actually *feel* like im getting better. im consistently beating personal records#im still not hopeful enough to think ill never do it again#but episodes are getting tangibly less intense and less frequent#someday maybe i can be happy#cw ////
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Oh g-d I've been withdrawing
#gamer txt.#i keep typong up posts and tags and delstinv them withoit thinking too much about it recentlu but k never usually dp that#theyve all been needy and attention seeking and thats why i was eriting them in the first place but thats ehy i keep deleting them#because i want attention#and that scares tge hell out of me#how bad do i have to be to be this desperate for some sort of contact yet this scared of losing everyone eho moght give it to me#why am u rhis scared of people thinking im annoying ive been feleting needy posts for months thats not . like me#even when im bad im usually better than that i dont. i dont understand ahy this is different#hell i relapsed a few months ago and i couldnt bring myself to even say i cut myself again outright bc i didnt want to be bother#since when the hell have i put up the illusion of being ok on this blog why am i so comcerned#are my trust issues really that bad? am i really that worried everyone who cares about me will fold the second i inconveniene them?#g-d thats. yeah fuck no wonder my friends were insulted when i gave them a 6/10 for 'ppl i would talk to if i had issues'#that is insulting#and whats worse is that its a lie#6/10 should be over half i should tell them my problems about half of the time#i dont do it. ever#and usually thats not too bad because i unload wverything here anyways but now ive stsrted stopping kyself frkm doi g thst#i want help and attention and to stop being so svared but im too scared to ask for those#i had to drag myself out of bed to make rhis post bc if i left it till morning i wouldnt do kt#also thats why all the typos btw no glssses its dark and i stsrted crying at some point#i dont know if its just how ive been feeling lateky or if theres some truth to it but i feel like my text posts have been getting seen less#im honestly kinda really twrrified im gonna wake up and no one will have seen this post and im just gonna pretend to be ok#bevause i would i think i would really just give up#i dont know what gl do#ive never been this scaredwithout a discernable cause before#ive stsrted cryung way harder andb u dont even know why#i think i think thats more or lees everything off my chest#im gonna try to sleep
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something ive had a sort of wild revelation on is the process of healing in terms of my trauma/past. like yes. i am not there anymore. i am not around those people anymore. that is a good thing. but that doesnt automatically mean i am healed and perfectly fine and no longer suffering from it.
cus yknow it was something that took up 20+ years of my life and i only just got away at age 24 about it and am now sat at 25. thats a lot to work through. thats a lot of extensive repetitive trauma/abuse to overcome. healing really is a fuckin process and its a hell of a long one too.
#i eat bees.#anyway if anyone tells me to get over it cus im not there anymore i am going to shoot you in the foot about it#cus bitch. i am trying!!!!!!!! so hard!!!!!!!!! i am trying so fucking hard!!!!!!!!#about my mental and physical health! about my mindset! about it all!!!#i have to do this shit BY MYSELF its going to take a while#you dont drop a bad habit overnight you dont get over trauma overnight that shit takes time and so much energy#and theres always gonna be relapses but those arent a step backwards its just showing that you are trying#but yeah just bc you have a relapse or problems start up again doesnt mean you arent trying#in fact it shows that you ARE and that sometimes you cant stop shit!#anyhow rant over while i wait on my therapist
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staying at the dorm is gonna drive me crazy bcs all of my friends are already home for eid AND MY ASS IS STILL HERE, and i can't really cook much for myself to eat for iftar bcs the ingredients are running out????? can 9 april come soon i need to fly home asap 🙇🏻
#jul's rants#LIKE IT IS FUCKING LONELY#i wanna go out and no one is here#everyone is home#i had to ignore and avoid the loneliness coming for me#im not relapsing again#that shii scary as hell
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Today has been the hardest day in a while and sometimes it feels all so pointless
#crossing fingers it's not going to be a thing but my second kitten might also have cancer#and we're in the process of doing tests exactly one year after her brother relapsed#one year to the week#and now im back again in this place of having to go through a lot of testing and fearing and waiting and im like#i swear to god i hope its nothing but if its something ill start thinking god is truly punishing me for my hubris#because theres no other fucking explanation man#im just trying to do some good in the world for fucks sake just let me do my thing#its been 3 years of this now i cant imagine going back again after we just pulled ourselves out of this fucking trauma#sorry i just needed to write this somewhere
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i hope i die, you broke my heart
#personal#my posts#so fucking tired oh my god#just yelled at my sister so loud that my throat is sore over a piece of fuciing plastic#sometimes ecerytbinf feels so bad and its like. what do i even do#like ok i relapse and i need a break from someone and they loose their fucking shit on me#taljing about how you always deal with my shit and youre tired of how i see you as the worst in the group#as if i didnt literally repeat to you over and over again that i love you and that i always will even when you kept denying it#all of the times youve left all the servers and the gc and all that and i was there to comfort you#theres a reason im always the person you go to#byt yeah . im neverrrr there for you#like is it just that im not there for you in the Same Way that youre there forme ??#does it need to be completely equal to be fair#and idk. i know hes struggling too but its so fucking stupid because ive been struggling for months and i dont treat u like tjat#im tired of feeling like i have to do two times more than everyone else ro be worthy of their love#like sorry man but im fucking sick and tired#i know ill be fine without you but like youre so sick right now that i dont know what youll do without all of us#idk im just like. you used to be so kind but now youre writing your name in mu blood#and sometimes i feel bad because i didnt mean evedytbinf i said to you but lets be honest#you didnt mean everyrbinf you said either#and i dont know if you were ever the right person because a lot of the time i think we are just two chemicals that werent meant to mix#but ill always remember you when i hear that one song and im making it sound like this is some kind if goodbye but it Really isnt#but like there was a time when i would tear myself apart for you. mot even because i liked you that much#i guess i just wanted someone that liked me as much as you did???#and when j say that it isnt even about one soecific oerson. its an amalgamation of ecery person tgat has ever loved me#a little more than they were supposed to#i think i hate ahen people love me Too Much because i dont want to be adored like that it scares me#iknow what thats like and i dont want to be someone fp Its so scary#okay if im being honest i dont know whbat the fuck im saying right mow#byt like. idk. im tired and i think im done. tbh
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good morning lets spread old man cheeks
#i did not sleep and spent the entire night uncontrollably sobbing and now ive devolved into mania#so lets fuckin gooooooo to work#i know i said when i relapsed i wasnt gonna use at work again but like#opiate withdrawals are the fucking devils work im considering breaking that promise#i just need a little bit. as a treate.
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my dad just told me that the amount of food I get every sunday from the church's cafe is unreasonable . I LITERALLY ONLY GET A DOUGHNUT.
#fucking EVERY TIME im in recovery my parents say some dumb bullshit that make me relapse into my ed again -_-#guess whos not eating then i guess ✌️
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god oh my god this sucks so fucking much, i knew today would be the worst day so far but holy fucking shit i truly just wish i was fucking dead!!
#i have a job interview tomorrow and there was ONE THING that i needed to do this weekend to prepare for it#and we were both going through withdrawals so badly that i DIDNT FUCKING DO IT#im literally just so angry at myself and at everything else in the world and i've been so fucking mean to the cats today and i hate myself#about it#i dont even WANT to go to the fucking interview tomorrow i just want to kill myself and cry and die and fucking give up on it all#this sucks so fucking badly oh my fucking god and i would bet you all like 500 fucking dollars#that ethan relapses on it today while he's at work and comes home fucking STINKING and making it worse for me#YET AGAIN#oh my god im so fucking angry im so fucking angry i just wanna scream and punch and throw and smash#AND I JUST HAVE TO KEEP IT ALL LOCKED UP INSIDE ME THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION NO FUCING OPTIONS NO CHOICES NOTHING#there will never be anything for me in this life and i dont know why i've been pretending otherwise#GOD it hasnt even been 72 hours yet can i please just be done#can i please find the first man who smoked tobacco and mass marketed it#AND FUCKING STRANGLE HIM TO DEATH????????????#im gonna kill and cry and die and hate my life my self my everything#ive just been crying so many fucking angry tears#like i'll be so angry and when it does come out it comes as tears and i personally???? hate that shit so much#makes me feel so fucking weak#fuck everybody fuck god fuck nice people fuck mean people fuck the normalizing of horrible drugs fuck addiction and fuck myself#just gotta keep telling myself i dont need it
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This was on a pinterest board called exotic guys
dude .
#this is what he looks like in very old edited + made up commercials#its not but i’ll work with what i have#i think of his stomach and see his ribs and various scars with varying faintness#i was just at the beach collecting sheshells but it’s like slowly wearing off (the going outside clarity) and im thinking about him again.#i’m thinking about looking in his bathroom medicine drawer periodically when he isn’t home and seeing what’s in it#i’m thinking about how distressed dirk would be at the seemingly deafening noises of him taking girls home and then developing obsessive#thought patterns early on#i imagine he walked in once mindlessly and was completely unacklowleged#i’m thinking that a lot of this would remiss and then come back in mid late teenage years when dirks mental health tanks overall#looks into the readers eyes flatly. calmly#about to get sushi with a group. so my relapse subsides. please#im fucked up I’m nauseous
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Something is so so wrong with me fr
#woke up and puked on and off again for like 5 hours. which is a heavy-handed metaphor for how i live my life#also apparently i spent like $300 on random shit when i was fcked up outta my mind last night. so that's cool.#mental illness#dun even fcking care 'what' illness anymore im just Fucked In The Head#well and also a constantly relapsing addict so there's that#bullshit
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↖️ *guy that is having such a normal one right now* *guy that totally isn't fucking losing it* *guy that surely isn't about to explode into a million pieces with no idea how to put itself back together this time*
#gamer txt.#i cant i can do this i xant its too hard its too hard#zo yous know that post i made a bit ago? how o said i was fuvking desperate and hanging on by a thread?#well unsurprisingly as it turns out the sevonf ppl extended help i closed mysf back off and started lying again. who couldve daw that coming#ive vroken down plenty of times over the years but ibe always got back up ive bever had a 'i cant do it this time' moment#well i mean. until now#i just cant i cant do it it all hurts so much i cant enjoy anything i dread everutbing theres nothing theres fucking nkthing#it hurts all the time and i xant do anything about oy because no one in this house gives a shit#and i ca t do anything becayse eberyone online is do easy to ignore so easy to lie to#ive never veen this bad before ibe never dreaded life like this#i really dony know if i can xome back fron this#ya know on the 24th i would've been 3 years clean. i relapsed about a 2 months ago i wanna say? im really close to doing ot again#but i dont know if i wkuld stop. nor when i isuallu do anyeay i think i would keep going past what i know i could take#it would be stupid#no one gere would nhtive anything wrong until ot was too late id hust be making the worst mistake of my life#but despiye that. despite everything its so tempting. just for the chance that someone might notice#that someone might actuallu acknowledge theres sometjing wrong with and gove a fuck about me#i know this fanily. i know how they work. i know how they treated my xousin the last 2 tjmes she tried to off herself#but one of them would care right sureky? even just kne#i need someone yo see me to actually fucking see me and not all the walls ibe set up#someone to recognise that im in no state to take care of myself and never has been#something that will fight me when i obviously lie#but theres no way for me to get that#im not stupid enough to risk myself and um too much of a coward to call out in any other way#what the duck an i meant to do?#im a wreck thats too scared to tell anyone#ive been theoen into the middle of the ocean and the water is the strongest ots ever been#and there is the vague imsge of a life boat off in the distance but its too far and ny arm hurt too much to swim#even if i did make my arms hurt too much to climb aboard and theres no one on it to help me up either#so i just have to float here because at least drowning is less shameful than yaving made it to safety and been too weak to grasp it
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