#and idk. i know hes struggling too but its so fucking stupid because ive been struggling for months and i dont treat u like tjat
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i hope i die, you broke my heart
#personal#my posts#so fucking tired oh my god#just yelled at my sister so loud that my throat is sore over a piece of fuciing plastic#sometimes ecerytbinf feels so bad and its like. what do i even do#like ok i relapse and i need a break from someone and they loose their fucking shit on me#taljing about how you always deal with my shit and youre tired of how i see you as the worst in the group#as if i didnt literally repeat to you over and over again that i love you and that i always will even when you kept denying it#all of the times youve left all the servers and the gc and all that and i was there to comfort you#theres a reason im always the person you go to#byt yeah . im neverrrr there for you#like is it just that im not there for you in the Same Way that youre there forme ??#does it need to be completely equal to be fair#and idk. i know hes struggling too but its so fucking stupid because ive been struggling for months and i dont treat u like tjat#im tired of feeling like i have to do two times more than everyone else ro be worthy of their love#like sorry man but im fucking sick and tired#i know ill be fine without you but like youre so sick right now that i dont know what youll do without all of us#idk im just like. you used to be so kind but now youre writing your name in mu blood#and sometimes i feel bad because i didnt mean evedytbinf i said to you but lets be honest#you didnt mean everyrbinf you said either#and i dont know if you were ever the right person because a lot of the time i think we are just two chemicals that werent meant to mix#but ill always remember you when i hear that one song and im making it sound like this is some kind if goodbye but it Really isnt#but like there was a time when i would tear myself apart for you. mot even because i liked you that much#i guess i just wanted someone that liked me as much as you did???#and when j say that it isnt even about one soecific oerson. its an amalgamation of ecery person tgat has ever loved me#a little more than they were supposed to#i think i hate ahen people love me Too Much because i dont want to be adored like that it scares me#iknow what thats like and i dont want to be someone fp Its so scary#okay if im being honest i dont know whbat the fuck im saying right mow#byt like. idk. im tired and i think im done. tbh
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🌶️ nsfw HCs for jjk men 🥵 general sexy times~ what are they like in bed?
ooo, IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE!!! TURN IT UPPPPP!!!
Now Presenting...
Starring Satoru Gojo, Suguru Geto, Kento Nanami, and Ryomen Sukuna.
Sugru Geto
Cigarettes and feelings keep me
Laughing when everything is all fucked up
C O R R U P T I O N K I N K DO YOU HEAR ME?!
He sees himself as dirty and ruined and he needs to see that in you too.
His loves how you look when you’re choking on his cock
He loves it so much he’s gonna take a picture! He’s big on recording you in your most vulnerable moments
Mirror on the ceiling so you can watch him fuck you stupid
I hope you have a degradation kink cause he's going to call you his stupid fucking whore
But hey! At least you’re his stupid fucking whore!
He needs to push your limits. He needs to see how far you’re willing to go for him, and what you're willing to do to get his praise.
Unlike in your daily life, his praise is rare in the bedroom. That’s what makes it so intoxicating when he finally does give it out. You’re still going to have to work for it though.
CONTROVERSIAL TAKE: he hates to be called daddy. Call him literally anything else, but the moment you say “Daddy” he’s over it
Now Sir on the other hand? Sir will always make him act up, use it strategically, lest you get pounded in a dirty bathroom.
He gives me the vibes of someone that would convince you to drop ex or acid then fuck him for a “religious experience.”
IDK maybe that's just me seeing the cult leader in him.
All of that being said, I also think Suguru has mastered the art of aftercare
During the act he’s a monster, but after? Nothing but praise and love. He’s worshiping your body while cleaning you up, cuddling with you for as long as you’ll let him.
You need water? He’s getting it. You want a bath? Say no more he’s running it for you.
He never wants you to think he’s just using you for your body.
Even if he is.
Satoru Gojo
Set my alarm, turn on my charm
That's because I'm a good old-fashioned loverboy
My most controversial Gojo take is that he’s actually not all that experienced
This man has spent his entire life either as a child or raising a child he didn’t have a lot of time for romance.
Not only that, but having sex with someone is an inherently vulnerable position to put yourself in. Man’s got too many enemies for that.
BUT that does not mean that he isn't willing to learn for you!
Gojo is above all else adaptable, and his main goal in the bedroom is to get you off. He’s willing to do whatever you need.
Honestly, that’s probably his kink. Overstimulation. He wants to make you feel so good you're delirious, he wants to make you cum so hard you forget anything other than his name.
He is the king of oral. It’s his favorite thing, eating you out through multiple orgrasam until his face is soaked in you. And he’s good at it too. He knows exactly how to make you melt under him.
His dick isn’t thick, but it is long, and weirdly pretty for a cock. He also uses a ring light to take dick pics. Tell me he doesn’t, you can’t.
He’s also very vocal. He likes when you're loud, it’s how he knows he’s doing something right. So, he’s pretty vocal as well, wanting to let you know just how amazing you make him feel
when he's not telling you about how good you feel, he's kissing you. He LOVES kissing you, its like a drug to him.
Gojo struggles a lot with the feeling that people don’t really like him, so he has a praise kink. On both the giving AND receiving end
I also feel like he’s really into lingerie, and has no problems dropping a paycheck on a new set for you.
Definition of “There’s a difference between fucking someone and making love.”
God, I hate that phrase but I'm genuinely not sure how else to get my point across lmao
When ya’ll are just fucking, he tries to play the part of a big tough dom, dirty talk galore, overstimulation to the point of tears, the man is a beast.
But in your quiet moments, when you’re, for lack of a better word, making love, there’s a 63% chance he's going to cry.
He gets overwhelmed by his love for you, and the realization that you love him for him, 6 eyes or not. It gets to him.
And the best part? He’s not even embarrassed by it, because you don’t shame him for it. He’s truly safe with you
Kento Nanami
Hey pretty baby can you feel that heat?
You got me twitchin to the edge of my seat
Dare I say daddy kink?
I do, I do dare. Nanami knows the type of person he attracts (riddled with daddy issues) and has decided to play into it.
I feel like Nanami never loses his composure, even in the bedroom. He could be giving you the ride of your LIFE while calmly explaining the stock market to you. It’s part of why teacher Nanami is so appealing to me I’M SORRY-
“Are you paying attention? This is going to be on the test.”
He says as he's skullfucking you into oblivion
Despite his calm composure, he's big on dirty talk…mostly as a way to ask for consent and gauge how you’re doing at the moment. He’s still Nanami
“You like that Princess?” “Beg for me.” “Tell me what you want,” All phrases that pop up commonly in your bedroom
He’s a panty snatcher, there I said it. He’s taking your panties with him when he leaves your place. You can get them back the next time you two get together.
He is prone to taking out his frustration on you in the bedroom when he’s had a bad day.
Not that you're complaining, nothing like his thick cock splitting you open after a rough day, amiright?
Public sex. Nanami loves covertly fucking you, in various ways, and watching you try to keep your composure. Be it him finger fucking you under the table, or reminding you that you have guests downstairs while he rails you in your bedroom, he likes to test your volume control.
In a similar vein, phone sex! He’s away on “Business” a lot, so late nights on the phone with you are basically a necessity for him.
M A R K I N G. You think it’s childish? He doesn’t fucking care he needs EVERYON to know you’re together
Hickies everywhere, dark ones that don’t budge for days, even weeks
Brat tamer. No, I won't explain, look at him.
He’s probably the best dom, even if he is a softer dom. He's going to discuss your hard and soft limits, safe word, and discuss the red yellow green system. Your comfort and safety is his number one priority.
Going hand in hand with that, Nanami has mastered the art of aftercare. Anything you need, he’s got, anything you need him to do, he’s doing. He’s showering you in words of affirmation while trying to rehydrate you.
Also He’s cuddly. He wants you to fall asleep resting on his chest while he traces lazy patterns in your back. It’s his ideal way to go to sleep.
Ryomen Sukuna
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
BESTIE idk how many different ways I can tell you not to go near this man, but let's find out
For one, he’s incredibly selfish, prioritizing his pleasure over yours every time.
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t at least try to get you off though. Nay nay, getting you off is a part of his pleasure. Because it strokes his ego.
Daycraphillia. Be it from pleasure or pain, he loves to see your tear soaked face.
This man is PACKING btw. It hurts at first everytime no matter how ready you are for him. The king of curses has the dick to back up all the shit he talks, you can’t convince me otherwise
He’s got four hands and he’s gonna use them all. Fingers in your pussy, on your tits, in your mouth, in on your ass. You're going to feel like you’re drowning in him.
Degradation. You're a filthy little whore, the only thing you’re good for is being a hole for him to fuck.
Does he actually mean this? I mean…shit, maybe! Depends on where you’re at in the relationship honestly.
He will summon mouths in random places when fucking you. On his palms, above his cock, anywhere. Be prepared to feel a random tongue in random places.
…..breeding kink.
Honestly, I don’t think he’s proud of it. But something in him wants to fuck an heir into more than he wants to breath.
Also, blood and marking kink. These go hand in hand as far as he’s concerned. He will bite you until you bleed with no issue.
He may not truly love you yet but the moment he stuck his dick in you, you became his. Which means no other man can touch you. Hence why he clearly marks you as his.
Aftercare who? He doesn’t know her, you’re lucky if he doesn’t immediately kick you out of the bed when he’s done.
The exception being if you somehow managed to rope him into a “real” relationship. I still don’t think he’d be an aftercare king or anything, but he would at least cuddle with you until you passed out.
Sukuna likes to find your limits, and then push you past them. He needs to see how far you’re willing to go for him, even if that breaks you.
God, this mf is so toxic. Why do I love him?
#tw: toxic behavior#tw: toxic relationships#jjk#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#jujutsu kaisen#satoru gojo smut#satoru gojo#satoru x reader#suguru geto#suguru x reader#suguru geto smut#nanami kento#nanami smut#nanami x reader#ryomen sukuna#sukuna x reader#sukuna x reader smut#gojo smut#gojo x reader
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OH MY GOD.
i just realised.
this is my blog.
i can do whatever i want.
so heres a giant fucking ramble with as many thoughts on Shenggou Ye as i can manage (who if you dont know is an oc belonging to my wonderful best friend reese aka rai aka rai.diate and her story universe Liar Liar Chaos Fire 😁 she doesnt know im doing this, this is for me):
if you dont know how did you NOT know shenggou ye accidentally became a biiiiiiit of a hyperfixation for me (exaggerating). reese and i can't exactly pinpoint when it started but we think its around the time we started a zombie apocolypse roleplay with us two and another friend <3
i love him so much i daydream and fantasise about him every moment i get. i see the colour red, or a wild dog or hyena, something to do with kung fu, or any obscure thing that i manage to tie him to and i go absolutely FERAL. hyenas are now my favourite animal because of him. i see a ricecooker and laugh at how he loves rice because his asian ass is so goofy (just like me fr). i love the colours red and teal which are his main colours. my favourite songs are loose cannon by set it off and mama by mcr which are his songs. he is TAKING OVER MY LIFE /POS
i feel bad that i dont get like this with other characters, especially my other friends and even my OWN, but thats just what ended up happening and i cannot seem to control myself lol
i even made up a list of why i kin him do you want to see it well too bad youre seeing it anyway i told you this is a megapost megalist mega fuckfest okay not a fuckfest but you get the idea:
SHENGGOU KIN MOMENTS:
- large hearts, both literally and metaphorically
- imposter syndrome (self-doubt, feeling like a fraud/liar)
- scared of being disowned/losing loved ones
- making jokes during serious moments (struggling to cope so makes light of the situation = ends up brushing it off/ignoring it)
- loving our best friend from high school fr fr /gen /pl and being so excited when we see them <3
- saying fucky ass and baybee (im the reason he says it LMAOOO)
- gayass motherfuckers (both bi)
- WE BOTH HAVE PUSSIES LMAOOOO and we aren't really dysphoric about it hell yeah (im trans and sheng is intersex 💪)
- lying lying chaos crying (i know a lot of them lie but shhhhhh)
- not being good at voice regulation/shutting the fuck up LMAO (apparently its a sign of autism... shenggou ye autism real!!? /j)
- having silly laughs <3 idk my mama makes fun of my laughs and he has a silly laugh it counts sshhhh
- he probably sits on surfaces weirdly or on places you wouldn't normally sit on, and i sit weirdly so YEAH
- sex jokes? yes please (they are funny !!!)
- dramatic as hell but its because we are silly goofy
- annoying as fuck but its slash pos
and thats all i had but theres probably more in fact im doing things because he does them, like saying "L" LMAOO BUT i mean it in an endearing way 🫶
ive also been calling my mother mama a LOT more like thats WHAT ive been calling her exclusively and i know for a fact its because shenggou calls HIS MOTHER mama and the song mama by mcr again. tsk tsk this hyperfixation is legit taking over. but i love it so much.
hes all i want to daydream about. we (friends and i) have a running joke that he is my husband, i love calling him my dearest darling husband shenggou ye. its great. but i like thinking about him with me during the day, maybe doing something stupid or dangerous and laughing at him, him helping me calm tf down when im stressed. its a weird coping mechanism but strangely effective!! i prefer keeping to myself but thinking about him with me makes me feel more seen and heard and loved. and reese is a bit like him, so its also like having my best friend with me even if shes not really. i like to think i can tell shenggou anything because thats how i feel about her. again, its all really stupid and cringe but its really nice and fun
im only now realising this is probably just turning a friends oc into a para. or like. something like a para. i mean the daydreams do get vivid.. Huh!
anyway thats about all i feel like sharing, i dont expect anyone to see this like all my other posts, i just enjoy screaming into the void and seeing if anyone screams back. let it be known, having weird coping mechanisms is cool and youre so.valid. /gen biggest hugest thank you to my bestie reese for creating this goober i am obsessed with. without her art that captures his handsomeness and her writing that demonstrates his personality i would never have fallen so deeply in love with him to the point of delusion.
Now if you'll Excuse me. i am going to dream the Best dreams (shenggou will be in it). thank you and Goodnight ^_^
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10:32 pm with yuta ♡
nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)
alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn
genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.
word count: 1400~
playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.
warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.
a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3
“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”
“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”
“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”
“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”
you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?
you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?
after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.
“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”
a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.
“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”
“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“
“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”
his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”
you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”
he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”
“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”
“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.
knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.
yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.
he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.
“get in, princess.”
and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.
“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.
“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”
you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.
© perhapsthanatos (efa)
#efa writes!#im on my bathroom floor LOSING IT#its 3 am & the more i read it the more i hate it#yuta#nakamoto yuta#nct yuta#nct#nct 127#nct imagines#nct 127 imagines#yuta imagines#yuta timestamp#yuta drabble#yuta blub#nct imagine#nct drabble#nct blurb#nct 127 blurb#nct timestamp#nct 127 drabble#nct 127 timestamp#nct fluff#nct 127 fluff#nct angst#nct 127 angst#badboy!yuta
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for now; forever -- teaser
pairing → kwon soonyoung x reader
word count → 1316 (full fic is ~9k!!)
genre → mostly fluff? a solid amount of angst
↳ tags: ooh boy. firewatch au, banter, like a little bit (a lot) of pining, strangers to friends to... something, FLIRTING, reader’s kinda fucked up but its ok, hoshi’s weird and endearing (as always), a tiny bit of hurt/comfort, minghao best boy, soonyoung is very sweet it makes me want to cry
synopsis → after an unfortunate burnout that lands you in every critic’s negative and all-seeing eye, you decide to take a break from the one thing you know. you’re not sure if you’ll find what you’re looking for out in the middle of the woods - if you’re looking for anything at all - but at the very least, soonyoung will make the hunt a little less lonely.
warnings → there’s eventually a forest fire that leads to an evacuation but it’s not super detailed, mentions and descriptions of creative burnout/breakdown
a/n → AHHHH!!!! so excited to finally tell yall abt this ive been working on it for about a month now <33 the teaser is just like an honestly solid section of the fic itself, so. idk yeah!!!! i’m very excited i loved working on this i still have some editing to go but the full thing will be out soon <333 hope you enjoy!! let me know what u thought!!!!
DAY ONE.
So. You’re… out here, now.
Save for the bugs you have to swat at every fifteen seconds, the outdoors don’t seem that bad. The weather isn’t too hot (yet, your mind reminds you) and there’s something about the color of the sky that makes your heart constrict in your chest. You can’t tell if it’s good or bad, but given your luck recently, you’re hoping it’s not a warning for the coming months - God knows you need a break. The weight of the journal in your bag feels heavier than any of the camping gear you brought with you.
You debate texting Minghao that you’ve made it to the park safely, but when you check your phone after deciding yes, you see the words no service instead of the familiar lines of a signal. It’s not that big of a deal - you’d told him when you left that you probably wouldn’t have service at all - but a little part of you feels the tender shake of anxiety at the thought of not being able to contact your best friend.
He was the most worried out of everyone when you told him you were leaving for the summer. You can’t really blame him - it was abrupt, you saw the flyer at the grocery store and took it - but after what happened… doing something felt, feels, better than sitting around and waiting for nothing to happen. Waiting for a healing you aren’t sure will ever come, at least not completely.
“Is this really…” Minghao had started upon first entering your apartment after getting your text. Clothes were thrown all over your bedroom floor in an attempt to pack. “Do you need to do this?”
The tone of his voice told you he wasn’t going to try to stop you, that he just wanted to make sure this was what you needed, what was best for you. You had only nodded, sitting down on the edge of your bed to fold clothes and pack them into your suitcase.
“I just don’t want you to run away from it all,” Minghao said softly, sitting next to you. “You’ll need to face it eventually.”
“Is escaping really such a bad thing?” You asked, looking at Minghao. He gave you the look he did when you said something stupid, and if you weren’t still so wired from everything, you might have laughed. Instead, you sighed, placing a pair of pants into your suitcase. “I just need some time.”
Before you can face it, before you can come back, before you can write again… you still don’t know. Minghao had placed a kind hand on your shoulder to tell you there was no rush.
It’d taken no more than two days for you to get everything ready - including buying some apparently necessary survival equipment from Target. In a matter of a few hours you had gathered everything up, texted some other friends and your family that you might not be available the next few months and then… you left.
(Your manager was pretty pissed off that you left so suddenly, but she was also pissed off at you when you told her you needed a break for at least a few weeks, so you’re not really offended.)
You take one last longing look at your car before locking it, pocketing the keys, and starting on your hike.
The hike takes almost the whole day.
You think you almost cry when you finally see the watch tower you’re supposed to be staying in, your legs barely able to hold the rest of your body up. The hike wasn’t hard, really - long, though, and for someone who usually spends a work day sitting at a desk, you’re surprised you’re still alive. You find the little lock that holds the keys to the tower at the bottom of the stairs, fastened onto the railing. It takes a few seconds for you to enter the code you’d been given earlier, relishing in the soft breeze the cools the sweat on your face and neck. The sun is just barely starting to set beyond the mountains, a beautiful sight that you can’t properly focus on because all you want to do is pass out. You’re pretty sure you almost do on your way up the stairs.
The cabin at the top of the tower is pretty scarcely furnished, save for a few basic necessities (a gas stove rests on one wall, a small desk opposite to it by the door, a mini-fridge, and a bed in the corner plus what looks like a map table in the center of the room). It’s a little weird, a feeling caught between the nostalgia of moving into a new place and something you can’t quite name, but you figure you have a few months to make it all a little more comfortable.
For now, though, you feel like you’re on the last leg of your energy. Your mind is saying eat, sleep, eat, sleep on repeat and you have to agree with it, so you change the sheets on the bed, take down the boards over the windows while you wait for the macaroni from the Kraft box to cook. You end up eating a few forkfuls of poorly-made mac and cheese before crashing.
When you wake up, it’s to gentle static and a semi-clear, unfamiliar voice. It takes you a minute to remember where you are and what you’re doing, too disoriented to even think about the voice, but then - oh. Forest. Watch tower. Escape. Okay.
“Yo, Cottonwood! Am I coming through okay? Pick up your radio!”
Right. The voice. Radio?
“Come on, I saw you get in yesterday, I know you’re there. Unless,” a gasp, “you died! Oh my God, this is like a horror movie… and I’m next!”
You manage to wake up enough to locate your radio (a walkie-talkie resting on a charger on the desk) and, after a few seconds of gentle struggle, work it. “Not dead,” you say, then clear your throat because your voice does not sound good right after waking up. “I mean… almost. But not dead.”
There’s barely a moment of hesitation before the person on the other end hoots, apparently excited. “Arisen from the dead! Brought back to life by none other than the legendary Hoshi!”
A brief thought crosses your mind about having to listen to this guy all summer, but you quickly shoo it away. You won’t have to deal with it for the whole three months, right? “Who… who is Hoshi?”
“Me!” The voice answers, sounding a little too smug. “But it’s really just an alias. You can call me Soonyoung. I’m at Twin Peaks tower, west of yours!”
You spin around your cabin, looking through the windows cluelessly - how long have you been asleep, it’s practically afternoon - until you see a very small silhouette of another tower in the distance. You nod, then realize Soonyoung can’t see you. “Oh. Cool.”
“Aren’t you gonna tell me your name?” Soonyoung asks, but his tone is light, breezy. You blink, reciting your name to him in a daze. “Pretty! So, what brings you out here?”
You weren’t expecting that question. “What?”
Soonyoung giggles into the radio. “Everyone comes out here for some reason. Like… Jihoon says it’s ‘cause it helps him write music. And Joshua loves the outdoors, so… what’s your reason?”
“You…” you start, not exactly wanting to tell a stranger the reason you ran away from everything you know. “Do you normally ask this many questions?”
“Yeah!”
You feel yourself sigh, already tired again.
“I… just wanted to get away for a while,” you end up saying. A half-truth. “I live in the city.”
“No way,” Soonyoung gasps excitedly. “Me too! I wonder if both of us have ever been walking and, like, passed each other without knowing…”
This isn’t exactly what you had in mind when you thought of escaping.
#caratwritersclub#kdiner#AHHH!!!! im v excited <33#svt x reader#svt imagine#seventeen x reader#seventeen imagine#kwon soonyoung x reader#kwon soonyoung imagine#seventeen hoshi x reader#seventeen hoshi imagine#svt hoshi x reader#svt hoshi imagine#hoshi x reader#hoshi imagine#soonyoung x reader#soonyoung imagine
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tw // vent
wonder if i can vent here without anyone knowing about it,, if so that would be so cool and pog. i dont want any of my friends to see these since idk,, i just dont want them to. anyway,, if ik you pls dont read/interact this,, i dont want to deal with your questions and shit,, no offense. recently ive been struggling with my emotions with a certain friend. I’ve liked her for a bit,, i confessed to her recently, which she said she liked me too, but i dont believe her,, i just kinda feel down? she left really quickly once she did,, i think i made her really uncomfy when i confessed and i regret that. we havent really talked since then and i feel like shit. I tried to talk to her on sunday, but it was short-lived and i just,, struggled lol. I hate how ive gained these feelings for her. i feel like i ruined our entire friendship since she doesn’t really talk to me anymore. we dont have the convos we had months ago,, where we would talk for hours. and i feel like we dont since i fucking ruined it. she also texts dryly and sends short messages, which fucks with my head since that tells me that shes not interesting in talking to me. even if it isnt true, i just get insecure and turned off. ever since i started to get these feelings i just ruined everything. i wanna ask her out,, but im afraid of being in a relationship,, plus we don’t talk that much, which kinda turns me off from it. im afraid that she’ll breakup with me too really quickly, since she isn’t ready or something. which is valid, but if thats the case, i dont want to risk my feelings hurting even more. and i recently became friends with this one person,, and theyre super cool,, i can tease the fuck out of them and they can do the same to me,, but i feel like i annoy them. recently they’ve been using more puncuation and smaller and dryer messages and i feel like im just annoying them. and it sucks, since i really like and care for them. i,, just feel like ive been ruining all the friendships/relationships i have because,, im me. i so badly just want to drink alcohol and forget everything. literally everything. i just want to forget myself and become a new person. i want to leave everything behind. im so sick of having to deal with these emotions. school is so fucking hard now and i have no motivation to even continue it. i want to communicate my feelings so badly to people, but i can never do it. due to past experiences,, i just get so anxious and afraid that they’ll shut me down. maybe this is why im posting this post. so i can finally get this shit off of my chest, without, at least hoping, that none of my friends see this since i can’t actually bring it up to them lol. im such a pussy. i hate myself so much and regret every second that i live. this is getting really long lmao but oh well. ive been holding this shit in for weeks and its so strong. i so badly want to cry and just isolate myself from everyone. i want to forget everyone. watch me lose my friends, and her. god,, she has me so fucked up. i love her but,, damn it hurts too. i dont hate her or anything,, i just wish my emotions weren’t like this. theres so much more i could vent about when it comes to my feelings about her, but i wont. in case she does see this i dont want her to think she ruined my life or something. shes made it so much better,, its just the negative things are really consuming my head. if anything, ive noticed this crush is a lot like the crush i had back in 5th grade, for this boy that i loved. he was my bsf too at the time and the timing and situations are way too fucking similar. i never confessed to him tho,, which im sad i didn’t. we probably couldve had something, but i was too much of a pussy to say shit. same with him. at least i wasn’t too much of a pussy with her. but,, the one thing i was afraid of ruining back in the day might be happening now. why is this shit so hard and confusing. wish i could just never get feelings. ive talked a lot about her in this post huh,, jufejf i guess its just been bothering me recently. why do i think everyone hates me? or at least, why do i think that? its so stupid. no matter how much reassurance people give me,, my brain just refuses to believe them. my brain never fucking does. it probably will never either. im hoping that since this post is really long that this will turn people off from reading it. im so afraid of hurting the people i care about in this post,, this is probably another reason why i never vent. i dont want to hurt peoples feelings. i always manage on doing that tho. intentional or not. sorry if my grammar and structure is bad. im stupid lol. lets hope nothing goes to shit when i post this <3
#vent#pls dont read this if ik u#in general i hope people dont read this lol#i needed to get this shit off of my chest#i hate everything
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okay kind of obsessed with the body swap art tho. idk why i just like benrey getting to bully gordon with his own body, his own voice, and i like gordon trying to navigate whatever weird shit benrey’s got going on. gordon not being able to figure out or control whatever organs in benrey’s throat produce sweet voice so it’s just spewing whatever emotions he’s feeling at random (including Horny? uh oh. can’t hide that as easily as a surprise boner can you gordon?)
this ask kicked me into actually thinking about it and your brain is so huge. massive. i lost control
last night i was struggling to articulate thoughts for the body swap thing but this is kickstarting me. i. really love bodyswap stuff........(sighing) i am yet again having to confront the fact that i latched onto an embarrassing number of Things after having first read about them in [REDACTED]. truly hate being alive
so like......potions. you can get into a whole lot of weird stuff with potions. truly loving that darnolds 5-minute existence gives me an excuse to think of the stupidest horny potions scenarios
and why in the fuck wouldnt he have a bodyswap potion just chillin in his lab. why wouldnt benrey crack that bad boy open and take a sip while darnolds bitching at him "dont you touch any of those goddamn potions. im not gonna tell you which ones which so if you die, you die"
gordon claps benrey on the back afterwards like "well, thats a risk im perfectly happy for him to take" but uh oh you fucking buffoon. the touch is what activates it. and shit just starts spinning and schlorping in his mind and he nearly falls over clutching the lab bench next to him and when he cracks his eyes back open, hes........shorter. and everybodys asking if somebodys okay but that somebody isnt him and hes kind of miffed about that
and then gordons head turns and he sees Himself being steadied on his feet by tommy and darnold and hes like.......guys? guys. hello! and the sound of benreys voice coming out of him with that irritated and loud timbre makes everybody turn to face him........b/c that is so insanely weird coming from him
im like way into the idea of benreys, like, Eye Darkness Thing transferring to gordons face when their bodies are swapped, too. its just his malevolent energies manifesting physically no matter what body hes in
Wait god wait. Like. Benrey in Gordon's body and he gets horny for some reason and has to live Gordon's fucking pained life of the suit edging the hell outta him- Bc now Gordon can actually fucking jerk off for the the first time in days. No edging bullshit from the hev suit
benreys newfound appreciation for why gordons such a bitch all the time
RRRRRRRRRRR gordon able to go wild beating his meat that night finally but right before he does he stops because hes looking down at. 8)!
YES EXACTLY....... gordon freeman humbled by the sight of benreys huge meat. except its his meat now
at first he only feels mildly weird about jacking it when hes not even in his own body right now but hes been edged for days now and hes just thinking "if i can just get this out of the way now, ill be clear-headed for however fucking long im stuck in black mesa. maybe this is why ive been so goddamn stupid lately. yeah"
but then he gets some time and space to himself at long last and unzips and the shock of seeing benreys huge uncut dick instead of his own brings him back to reality like "?oh my god what the fuck am i doing"
embarrassment! guilt! but also hes still fuckin horny and eventually curiosity wins out. whats the harm, right. its not like he has to say anything about it. and gordon freeman is (mostly) heterosexual and hes never been this up close and personal with a foreskin before and hes just......curious. scientifically
maybe hes even.......locked himself inside one of the company restrooms while hes at it. just to make sure hes got privacy. and there is a mirror right there........ he was gonna just bust one out and leave as fast as he can but now hes curious
starts. thumbing the hem of his shirt under benreys vest. starts lifting it up experimentally just to see where all that hair leads. out of curiosity. and seeing the curve of benreys stomach peek out in the mirror makes him hiccup on sweet voice inadvertently
weirdly enough theres a part of him thats both relieved and disappointed that hes never seen that color before
he never envisioned that seeing benrey like this would be a turn-on but like......with that vest and that helmet on he just looks like some kind of fuckin roundish rectangle shape. but now gordons intimately familiar with how his body feels to move around in......what hes gotta look like underneath all that armor and ill-fitting work clothes......and the hornier he gets the stupider he gets
takes off the helmet.......just to test the waters. if somebody manages to bust in, thats not so weird to explain. and hes surprised by the shock of black hair he finds under there. he doesnt know what he was expecting....but honestly, benrey looks, like, kind of nice like that. more like a person
im slightly obsessed with the idea of benrey just not even registering as a Real Guy, physically, to gordon, one that he could possibly be attracted to, until hes out of his work uniform.......like hes more of an icon of a person than anything up until that point. pure signifier. no substance
like......you know......the equivalent of how benreys HL model registers to 99% of people watching the series. sure, thats not necessarily anything youd register as "hot", most likely, but then u peel that away and its like........Oh
the model is the icon and the representation of the icon is the real
and gordon runs a hand thru benreys hair and tries out one of those shitty little smirks benrey likes to use on him and the effect is.......dizzying. is that him? is that what benrey really looks like to him?? he feels fuckin salacious doing this
he can even.........get his face up close to the mirror and really look at those teeth
run his tongue over them experimentally.......feel their sharp edges.......and, no, theyre not sharp like a knife, but they are definitely pointy. and surprisingly well-kept......hes never seen benrey brush his teeth before but clearly he must. theyre so smooth and slick under his fingertips
and then he flushes and drops his hand b/c hes getting some weird fucking thoughts right now........but looking back up at himself in the mirror and seeing benreys face all wide-eyed and red makes the issue worse
oh, you really like seeing him look like that, dont you. and gordons pissed b/c this isnt even his fucking brain but its still whispering the exact same neurotic, self-defeating shit at him that hes trying very hard to tamp down
and then he starts getting a little crazier. taking off the vest. he can explain that, no problem. its just kind of hot. heavy. he needed a breather! its normal. just in here to splash some water on his face and cool down, nothing wrong with that. but that just makes benreys shirt all the easier to access.......and he tugs the hem of it just a little higher and looks at himself in the mirror and runs a thumb over the curve of his stomach, where the hair is thickest, and he shivers
gordon freeman is deeply normal and would never get off to the sight of a guy with arms the size of his head tentatively dragging the hem of his shirt up, just for gordon to look at him closer
hands shaking from nerves as he decides to loosen his tie and start unbuttoning and he sees more and more hair-dusted skin and muscle and fat and a thin sheen of sweat reveal itself
> i could see gordon trying to tense and flex the muscles a bit just because hes normal
HE IS, AND HE WOULD
he doesnt know when "being horny b/c hes been pent up and edged for days and he just needs to get his rocks off real quick so he can be normal again" turned into "being horny b/c the way benrey looks under his uniform is scary good to him" but if he thinks about that too hard hes gonna have a panic attack
tells himself that its all just because he hasnt been able to get off. thats why hes thinking this shit. hell stop thinking it once he nuts
> hey this is a quick aside but yknwo how he talks to himself in third person sometimes? what if he does and then kinda does a mental double take at how his name sounds coming out of benreys mouth, with his voice. ok thats it goodbye
oh ym god thats making me go insane. doing it by accident and then.........saying it again. on purpose. just to hear benreys voice doing it
getting one knee hitched up onto the sink and leaning forward with his arm braced against the mirror and his forehead leaning on his arm and tugging benreys dick (no, idiot, thats your dick right now, stop thinking about it) and tentatively groaning out his own name and it comes out so hoarse and desperate that it punches him straight in the gut (too bad, hes thinking about it, he cant not think about it, not with the way he looks and sounds right now)
> remember in the series when benrey called him gordon one (1) time and he noticed immediately and was like..i think thats the first time youve called me by my name.
he looks so fucked out and slutty in that mirror that it almost makes him pass out
eyes darting like hes trying to commit every single detail of how he looks right now to memory (b/c he is. he fucking is. he wants to make benrey look like this so fucking bad. just for him. wreck him and get him flushed and sweaty and panting and moaning gordons name and jesus christ, okay, thats where his brains taking him. okay. cool)
hes dizzying himself thinking about it. he knows benreys hot for him by this point, theoretically. assuming his weird come-ons werent just jokes. benrey would probably let him do this to him. benrey would probably want him to touch his dick. gordon thinks about how good it might feel for his own hand to be on benreys dick and he cant get himself solidly into one headspace or another - hes gordon, hes benrey, he wants to touch, he wants to be touched, he wants to feel his own hand on this dick (and god, maybe he could. maybe he could ask. wouldnt that be crazy.)
benrey in gordons suit and gordons body and gordons face leaning over him, b/c fuck, he really is tall compared to benrey, hes figured that one out awful quick. and gordons (his) hand on his (benreys) dick and stroking him and leering down at him with those dark, dark eyes that dont even really look like his eyes, anymore, not with the way theyre shaded over, and hearing his (benreys) (his) voice moaning out his (gordons) (definitely gordons) name and all the little "pleases" and "thank yous" that he cant stop letting out b/c benreys voice was made for it, made to beg and whine and ask so nicely, and his heads spinning as he comes all over the fucking mirror and sink
> i wonder if this could be combine with the ideas that parts of the self or like mind is still a bit left behind if that makes sense, like with benrey also wanting this that part of the reason gordon wants to say those things
"do you want to fuck him or do you want to be him?" well my good bitch, perhaps you can have a little of both. welcome to my personal hell
hes never come so hard in his fucking life and the noise that rips out of him when he does, finally, after days of being jerked around (ha ha) makes his ears burn with shame
now if you really wanna go crazy. imagine that benreys up and walking around this whole time b/c being edged by his stupid broken suit is making it impossible for him to sleep, and he hears........all of this. stops and presses himself flat agains tthe wall to listen
he cant actually get into the bathroom to scare the shit out of gordon/offer to join in/etc, b/c this stupid flesh body of gordons cant even noclip, but he can press his ear to the door and. listen. and he can flush all the way down to his chest when he hears gordon in there, moaning out his own name with benreys voice
so thats what gordon wants him to do, huh. thats what hes thinking about.
poor benrey, tho. he gets to experience just a lick of the endless fucking suffering that gordon goes thru every single day just by being alive, and "the HEV suit trying and failing to suck him off to completion while his dick twitches against the hard metal of the interior every time gordon groans in there" is just one small part of it
anyway . see ya. my final message
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I watched Joker tonight and typed out my thoughts as they occurred to me. Unedited; typos are guaranteed. I did this a few months ago and really enjoyed looking back at my thought process and I wanted to do it again so that I can look back and know that what I feel is real and true in my darkest times.
You're welcome to skip this; it's under a cut for ease of doing so. Warnings for occasional sexual comment lmao. There’s no self shipping in this, I don’t think.
word count: 2, 575.
I’M SOBBING and I’ve only just pressed play.
Heart squeeze Chest much ow
THERE HE IS
✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
Nooooo baby omg don’t pretend - let yourself hurt if it hurts. Don’t pretend.
Carnival Carnival Carnivalllllllll 😍😍😍😍😍
I am a Simp for one clown and his name is Carnival
Someone help him, I????
That sign hit Arthur as hard as my love for him did ksksksk
MY EYES BE LEAKIN💔💔💔💔💔
bb nooooo
Oh honey let me kiss those bruises and replace the marks of violence with love, hm? You’re safe with me.
Breathe, my love. Don’t fight the laughter. Let it out, let yourself go.
Screams into a pillow because????? much sad must kiss
“have you been keeping up with your journal?” LIKE HE HAS TIME
oHHHHH boi’s close to losing his shit
Do it, Artie. Give ‘em hell.
“I think I did” YOU TELL HER!!💖💖💖
I want to be his cigarette. Where’s Satan??? I got a new deal for my blackened soul which he took at half price😂😂😂😂
I’d have my hand between the door and his head so fuckin fast I swear
“I just don’t wanna feel so bad anymore” yep SAME
ohhhh peekaboo🥺🥺🥺
this makes me giggle ksksksk i watch this scene when i feel sad bc it always makes me happy for the time it’s on
he’s so good with kids; he doesn’t have to try and think about what’s funny, he just does it, he’s himself and it works
FUCK OFF LADY CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S STRUGGLING????
give
him
back
his
card
casually wrinkling my nose against tears lmao
ohhh the way he looks up at those stairs from the bottom
i can feel his exhaustion
me too, my love
step step step step
god i wanna get him the fuck outta gotham
and into my arms and a soft, warm blanket
“eat. you need to eat” LITERALLY WHAT I TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY IN HIS VOICE BC OTHERWISE I JUST WOULDNT EAT???? I’m losing so much weight asdfghjk its not enough tho
SUPAH RATS
Did Arthur come up w that joke or was it actually a Murray joke????
HIS VOICE IS SO SOFT IM CRY??🥺🥺🥺🥺
“I WAS PUT HERE TO SPREAD JOY AND LAUGHTER”
YOU DO BABY, YOU DO!!!! EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!
go deepthroat a cactus randall - youre already a bit of a prick so🙃🙃🙃
“THE GUYS THINNK YOU’RE A FREAK BUT I LIKE YOU”
HOYT. YOU CAN GO SIT ON A CACTUS TOO
FUCK OFF
😡😡😡😡
“WHY WOULD ANYONE STEAL A SIGN”//”WHY DOES ANYONE DO ANYTIHNG?” HOYT YOU’RE SO FUCKING ILLOGICAL HERE IM????? ERIKA DOES NOT (ALSO WILL NOT LMAO IM A STUBBORN BIITCH) COMPUTE
Can arthur fuck me like he pounds the trash/????🥵🥵👀
those dark curls.... that crooked tooth... must kiss.🥺🥺🥺
pennys casual cruelty makes me so fucking angry
foreshadowingggggg ~ *JAZZ HANDS*
ugh the way he dances with that gun im👀🥵🥵🥵
he enjoys the power of it and his breathing gets deeper asdfghjk
clumsy baby omggggg i just COOED 🥺🥺🥺🥺
okay maybe im stupid but i genuinely dont understand this “senior who needs to graduate” skit i’m??? how is being an intro to western civ student funny im???? someone explain???
but also dont bc fuck that guy lmao arthur’s hilarious
true millenial humour (and brit humour lmao we’re dark asf)
THE WAY ARTIE TWIRLS HIS FINGERS AROUND HIS HAIR AND DANCES IN HIS SEAT IM???🥺🥺🥺
wanna curl up on his lap at night when hes writing and go to sleep with a
blanket around our bodies🥺🥺🥺🥺
when arthur wears a shirt at home you KNOW it’s a daydream
THAT CROOKED TOOTH IM WANT KISS.
WAIT IS IT CALLED STAND UP COMEDY BC YOU STAND UP... AND ITS COMEDY???
23 FUCKING YEARS, PEOPLE... TO REALISE THAT🙄
WHEN CARNIVAL CAME ON SCREEN I NTHE HOSPITAL I MADE A PORNOGRAPHIC NOISE LMAO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
IF YOURE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, SHOOT MURRAY
WOOPS WRONG LYRICS
😂
“doctor of laughter”🥺🥺🥺🥺
doctor i have a case of the Big Sad can you... do an exam? 😉😏
NO BB DONT BEAT YOUR HEAD UP THERES PRECIOUS CARGO IN THERE
in what world does chucking cold greasy chips in a girls hair being “nice”???
lmao fuck these guys
ohhh honey breathe. dont fight it, my love, just breathe.
my heart’s breaking for you, you sweet thing🥺🥺🥺
i love you so so so so so so so much ugh you’re an actual fucking angel
just breathe darling
i need to get you a cup of tea with honey in it, your throat must be so sore
ohhhh baby im so sorry
i’d take every single punch if i could
i’d die for you
i wish i could protect you
i wish i could look after you
and take all those hits
and kill those guys for you
im so sorry
sobbingggg
YES GOOD MAN THANK YOUUU
KILL THOSE ASSHOLES LMAO DESERVED IT
yeah i have a grey morality... im similar to deadpool in that way tbh
carnival comin’ to kill your insecurities
8 bullets in a 6 chamber???? mm-hm
DONT FORGET YOUR BAG THATS EVIDENCE
AND THE WIG
RUN BABY RUNNNNNNN
GO GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOO
RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE
THE SOUND OF HIS FEET SLAPPING THE PAVEMENT IM👀
OOOOOH JOKER’S WAKIN’ UUUUUUP
fuck he’s so hypnotic
the way he runs his hand down his lower stomach asdfghj🥵
must kiss the inner tendons on his wrists and lick the blood off his face
must kiss
he moves like water
fuck hes so fluid
bathroom scene = the scene in which my heart and vagina clench at the same time
im WANT
T POSEEEEEEEE
“i still owe you for that, dont i?”
PUNCH OUT IS MY FAVOURITE THING E V E R
D O N T S M I LE
UGH I FUCKING HATE being told to smile if i don’t fucking want to so BIG mood
PLEASE SHUSH ME THE WAY YOU JUST SHUSHED PENNY IM???
but also dont lmao bc i’ll think you’re mad at me and i’ll hide in the bedroom for the rest of the day lmao i’m sensitive✨✨✨
i wanna sit on his lap and still his bouncing knees
“thats not funny”
fuck off penny yes it is
I JUST CHOKED ON MY COFFEE IM???
“but i do” god the P O W E R
ugh that fucking sexist piece of shit comedian can choke “women look at sex like buying a car” 🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮
chauvinistic pigs can die thanks
his lil trip upstage im cry🥺🥺🥺
ohhh baby. just breathe, darling. it’s okay to be scared. dont fight it. just breathe.
he and i both cover our mouths when we laugh/smile in the exact same way and it makes me feel closer to him
how can they think hes laughing at himself when hes literally gagging????
people only see what they wanna
the Penny imitation is👌👌👌
s m i l e
i remember when i came home from seeing this for the first time, i got home and dropped to my knees to cry in the bathroom. it was such an emotional release and so much love and i played smile to try to make myself smile but i only made myself cry harder lmaooooo ~
smile and thats life are my go-to songs if i gotta cheer tf up
danger sign = neither works
he looks so soft after his “date”🥺🥺🥺
“thats life” yeah but murray you dont even leave the studio so how do you know????
ngl arthur’s anger scares me.
anyone so much as raise their voice at me and i’ll cry really bad and i will shut myself away for the rest of the day and quiet anger terrifies me so his banging abt in the kitchen would freak me tf out😲
angry bb😭
he controls his anger so fast though omgggg ~
that soft please sends me
idk where it sends me lmao
down below probably
BARE FACED CARNIVAL OMG THIS SCENE IS SO CUTE
I LOVE THE MATCHING COLOURS ON ARTHUR AND BRUCE TOO ???
okay but the implication that arthur always carries a clown nose on him is🥺🥺🥺
hes such a good clown im?????
lmao im enjoying the show more than bruce is skskskk
arthur’s lil chuckle makes me🥺
his HUMMING im??? soft?????
his brows are so strong and dark omggg ~ he’s so beautiful
OKAY i’ll be honest i’ve seen this alfred/bruce scene and the thomas bathroom scene later on and the penny flashback scene a 100 times and i still dont fucking understand what did or didnt happen regarding arthur’s parentage im????
ive seen interpretations to say he is thomas’ son and some to say he isnt and i still cant decide so? im stupid i guess 🙃
“a clown thing?” the s a s s
“it’s exit only” yeah so’s my ass🙃
if i was there in the hospital room i woulda turned that tv off as soon as i realised what clip was gonna play
murray’s cruelty is d i s g u s t i n g
lmao hes an asshole
arthurs lil clap from joyyyyy ~ 🥺🥺🥺
did i say murray???
i meant m u r r a t
🙃🙃🙃
sneaky baby
wayne hall either has super bad security or arthurs v quick on his feet
🤔🤔🤔🤔
he looks so good in red omggg ~
f o r e s h a d o w i n g
arthurs smile when hes watching chaplin is how he smiles when we all gush to each other abt him and ourselves!!!
hes so cuuuuuute🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😍😍😍🥰🥰🥰
“told me what”
ohhhh honey🥺🥺 im so sorry. “crazy” is a trigger word for arthur; it made him start laughing in the bathroom with thomas
“touch my son again ill fucking kill you” yeah?? touch my arthur again and i’ll fucking kill you🙃🙃🙃🙃
^^^ that ones a joke do not come at me
the clerk in arkham was nice to arthur - he, gary and sophie are the good gothamites.
none of it was enough to stop his descent into joker, though, and i’d even say it was too late right at the beginning of the film, too...
his sock puppet thingy “they cut all those” is such a Joker thing to doooo ~
the way arthur’s laughing in the hall at arkham turns into sobbing is gut-wrenching omg the poor thing😭
i wanna hug him and protect him and help him to process this in a healthy way
sweetheart, if i could take all of your pain and put it onto me... i so would. i’d do it in a heartbeat.
i wanna get you into a hot shower, make you some food and sit and listen to you. we can either sit in silence or you can talk to me, my love, and you will be heard and understood and loved.
“i had a bad day”
IT’S OKAY I DIDNT NEED MY HEART ANYWAY OMG YOU POOR SWEET INNOCENT THING IM LOVE YOU🥺💔
THAT ENTIRE LATE NIGHT SCENE LAUGH/SOBBING GOT ME -
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
i just wanna hold you and protect you and help you and love you
I’m so fucking sorry, darling. i wish i could take it all away from you
“i havent been happy one minute of my entire fucking life”
NO ONE SHOULD LOOK THAT ANGELIC AFTER COMMITING MATRICIDE IM????
get
that
fucking
gun
away
from
your
face
boi dont test me ill fucking go feral or - no, tell you what, i’ll point the gun at me and see how you like it
im looking respectfully at the green speckled undies scene....👀👀👀
“coming” 😏😏😏
“my mum died im celebrating” and “i stopped taking my medication” and you STILL stayed in the apartment with Arthur????? dudes those are 🚨🚨🚨 signs
woe betide anyone who underestimates arthur fleck lmaoooo
randalls death scene makes me laugh every time omg i feel so vindictive
get WRECKED
i wanna lick the blood off his face. i really want to
ngl i think i have a blood kink...
“dont look just go” ME WITH MY ACNE WHEN I SEE IT IN THE MIRROR 😂😂😂😂
JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER
ASDFGHJKL
J
O
K
E
R
ERIKA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING
JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERRRRRR
😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 MY BABY MY MAN OMG THERE HE IS IM CRY???????😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺
my mind is literally blank rn im just staring and crying and smiling so hard my face hurts????? im love him so so so so much
sweet thing’s so used to pain he gets HIT BY A CAR AND KEEPS GOING????
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
hghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
euirrrrrrgkjbgkfbirsghigrbugr
*incoherent keyboardsmash to portray utter love*
ohhh baby no dont cry. oh honey😭 i wanna sit on your lap and kiss your tears away
“i love dr sally”
you have a WIFE at home
“DO YOU REMEMBER?” THAT WAS YOUR CUE TO APOLOGISE LMAO GET FUCKED MURRAT
he’s so CUTE
omgggg ~
my hearts gonna give out its SQUEEZING SO HARD IT HURTS
YOU MOCK THEM, BABY!!! THEY GOT IT COMING
“i wanna get it right” hes so passionate
my comments have deceased in number bc im just too starstruck and in love to even think clearly lmao
jokers all i know rn and this is the most peaceful ive felt in WEEKS
im sobbing
ugh fuck this hurts so BAD
youre speaking the truth, darling. im so so proud of you and i love you so much
“THEY COULDNT CARRY A TUNE TO SAVE THEIR LIVES” LMAO INSIDE JOKESSS
literally sobbing right now ugh what the fuck youre in so much pain and in the middle of a breakdown and no one saw you
ugh baby im so sorry, you deserve so much better
you tried so hard and you were gonna fall no matter what
IN THE WHITE ROOM
“hi” baby they cant hear you but im COOING 🥺🥺🥺🥺
you’re so fucking cute
say the word and ill burn gotham to the fucking ground for you
i wanna sit atop that car and cradle your head in my lap and wipe the blood off your face and help you stand up and be there for you and and and😭😭😭😭😭😭 i love you so so so much.
i’d be so much worse off without you in my life. you brought a splash of colour which has never dimmed or faded. it never will.
b l o o d s m i l e
=
im wearing my inside on the outside now and it still hurts
angel💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
i see you and your pain. i love you.
i see you, angel.
his genuine laughter is🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
that cute lil “ksksks” he does im🥺🥺🥺
i always laugh with him omg the two of us are laughing together ugh its the closest i will ever get to sharing in his joy
t h a t ‘s l i f e
i love the hallway daaaaaaaaaaaaaance ~
them hips dont lie😉😉😉
i love you i love you i love you i love you omg the sun’s like a halo ugh i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you im singing along to thats life while i type out how much i love you at 220am lmaooooo ~
i l o v e y o u
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heyy congratulations💕✨!! can i actually have a (male) ship for all the fandoms (if not, just do oscar characters (you have immaculate taste in movies, by the way)). im an entp and my star sign is capricorn. im very all over the place with my thoughts and i like talking a lot. like i already know this request is gonna be super long just ‘cause i ramble (im glad tumblr doesnt have a character limit anymore). in fact, i’ll send this short part in first and then the rest so you can like hide it under the cut or something. im so sorry 😂
so, my ramblings are probably why im considered an extrovert even though i feel like i might be an introvert sometimes. in my free time, i really like trying new things. i have a lot of hobbies that i pick up and drop at random but ive always been really into music (i think im a pretty decent singer. not good enough to make a career but enough to surprise people during karaoke).
ok, i feel like i kind of have to say this because the biggest stereotype of entps is that we’re argumentative... but im not that. i try to be very openminded and i hear people’s arguments before deciding on a stance (a lot of times, my opinion changes every time i talk about the topic. unless the topic, itself, is dumb. then i’ll be comedically stubborn (cereal’s a fucking soup, ok?)) and i’m also weirdly sensitive to other people’s emotions and i try not to say stuff that i know will offend them. i do thoroughly enjoy correcting people though. and debates are still very fun for me... a lot of times i come off as enfp/infp because im very excited/bubbly (when im horny (all the time)) and im very caring with my friends/family but i did my research and im definitely entp. im hella disorganized and i hate commitment (once i like you, though, prepare for me to sacrifice my life for you).
im good with other people’s emotions but the part i struggle with is managing/expressing my own. ive been told by multiple people that im very cold, which always surprises me because i try to act really “out there” with friends. i never dont expect them to see through it. most of the times, though, im not sure what people think of me. i kind of have a lot of different personalities that just ~materialize~ when im talking to a different person (woo defense mechanisms). one thing people dont realize is that im sarcastic but only with people i like. oh... yeah, when i have a crush on someone, i like to tease them. but im also stupid so sometimes i end up offending them instead of being lighthearted like with my friends (sometimes, but rarely, i will go too far with my friends too. even when i try not to). its my way of trying to reach out to them and show them im cool but it painfully backfires every. single. time.
uhhh, last thing, im a switch but definitely more on the “bratty-sub” side than the dom side. sometimes i go full on sub (degrading, praise, worship, bondage, etc) and i come back from it and im super confused because did that just happen?? this is just for your consideration, but usually, i really like hate to love type situations because the whole like “arguing as flirting” thing is just 👏🏻🥵 but im also really into best friends to lovers because in real life, i usually wouldnt like someone romantically unless i could potentially see them as my best friend, platonically.
ok, so. i just stalked your ENTIRE page and i ship you with llewyn because youre really sweet (you deserve each and every follower, by the way. id die for you) and i feel like he needs that in his life. i also think maybe nathan(?) could work because he could learn a lot from you, emotionally. if not, i was thinking abel too. IDK. for starwars, poe because you seem just sane enough to stop him from like killing himself on accident because hes so dumb? also i could totally see you two as “arguing for a good amount of time before getting together” BUT i could also see “we were good friends before getting together” which- 😫😫 having to pick a scenario from my two favorite tropes for you and poe is a good sign for me. same reasoning for anakin. i think mando could also really appreciate your presence on his ship because youre kind and could take care of the child. for marvel, you lowkey could be really good with peter parker or scott lang (one of the soft, silly boys).
sorry for making this so long 😂
Thank you!! And don’t apologise it was an entertaining read🤣
---
MCU:
I ship you with...
Bucky Barnes 😎
It takes a while for Bucky to feel comfortable around you. He sees you with Sam often when you’re having one of your movie marathons or you’re just hanging out. He really wants to talk to you but he’s shy?? You find him attractive but then he is also intimidating.
Then Sam interferes and his solution is to set up a blind date for the two of you. It’s a little awkward in the beginning but you find his shyness endearing as hell. As time goes by, his true self shines through, you realise he is such a romantic and he always finds a way to sweep you off your feet. Horny all the time? He’s literally a super soldier so the stamina...
Star Wars:
I ship you with...
Finn🥰
Imagine, you always lean on each other to vent about things and gossip about other people. Rey is busy as hell and Poe is a dumbass (the the topic of the vent most of the time). Plus he’s General now so a distraction from all the work is very welcome and hence a lot of meet me outside i got a bottle of whisky texts from him. Eventually that turns to just hanging out because he wants to spend time with you.
He probably knows everything about you because he loves to listen to you ramble about anything and everything. Hence he’s one of the few people who you feel comfortable enough to be yourself. And then that turn to making out under the stars on a picnic mat and the rest is history.
Oscar Issac Characters:
I ship you with...
Nathan Bateman😈
It’s almost like you have a seventh sense to detect Nathan’s true emotions despite how much he tries to cover them up. He hates it. So he’s mean to you hence creating a vicious feedback loop of hatred. Queue 100k enimies to lovers slow burn But eventually things work out and Nathan learns to open up a tiny bit to you.
Bratty sub you say? Nathan loves a partner who bites back. Speaking of, on the rare occasion that the two of you show face in public, no one can stand to be around you two since you are always bickering. But trying to one up each other is just your love language.
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bruv im still jus. wow. theres so much to say but. do u kno how good it feels... to be jewish, to accidentally fixate on one eric cartman & love him more than any other fictional character for almost seven years now, and then to see him in a little yarmulke, standing at kyle's side while he recites from the torah? do you know how validating that is?
i gotta get personal for a second here. idk how, but in the last few yrs my relationship with my own jewishness has been deeply influenced and intertwined with south park, as ironic and ridiculous as that sounds. i grew up secular, completely nonpracticing; as a child, i was only ethnically jewish, and saw jews as strictly an ethnicity, and a popularly hated one to boot. and it scared me. ive talked about it before, but as a child hearing about the shoah and about antisemitism, i couldn't understand. i thought it was looks for a while, which confused me, because ive got blonde hair and blue eyes and all my family that got caught up in nazi europe did/do too. i remember thinking as a second grader that i would've been spared for that reason; why didn't a good chunk of my family? but i grew up in a mormon neighborhood, with plenty of other blonde kids, and they stayed away from me like i had a disease. this was before puberty, before my hair got a little frizzier and my nose got a little bigger, when i looked just like any of them. but already, at age 8, i was an outsider. i wasn't one of them and i never would be, and they wanted me to know that.
and then i started to get it. it clicked even more once i got to high school and got called a kike every other day - but prior to high school, you know what i found, and you know what really pushed me towards understanding what being a secular jew in america meant? south park. and as a dumb little sixth grader with no critical thinking skills, you know what shaped my opinions on my own people? south park.
and that's good and bad. good because i do sincerely think kyle broflovski is excellent fictional representation for jewish people, maybe one of the top few ever shown on television. he gets on my nerves at times, but he's good through and through, he's well written and multi-dimensional, he's not a walking stereotype but he still has prominent jewish features that jewish viewers can look at and see in themselves, his morals and viewpoints and beliefs are obviously deeply influenced by judaism, hes deeply proud of his heritage and culture... and that all means a lot to me. and by the amount of jewish sp fans that adore kyle, it means a lot to them too.
the bad thing is, yeah, i can't deny it, during older seasons, cartman's treatment of kyle probably taught a lot of young and dumb viewers how to view jews in real life. have i, as a kyman shipper and cartman stan, justified that within a fictional and narrative context? yes. but it doesn't change the real-world effect; south park, but specifically cartman, since he's the mouthpiece, likely did cause some easily-influenced people to pick up antisemitic beliefs. did this contribute to the rise of the alt-right? debatable, but to some extent, possibly. was that m&t's intention and should south park be canceled and denounced? fuck no, i'll always love it lol, and fuck censorship. but it is something that should be taken into account.
matt and trey clearly regret that, and understand that it's no longer acceptable or fitting or needed in today's sociopolitical climate - or, okay, maybe they don't even regret it; they just understand that when fiction becomes reality, the fictional jackass isn't necessary when there's one right there in real life, sitting in the oval office, yeah? old cartman doesn't deserve or need a voice, not when real, awful people actually have one right now. and m&t are actively trying to change cartman for the better and really, really backpedal on his bigotry, while still doing it in a way that makes sense from a story-telling perspective. it's not a complete uncharacteristic change of character; it's shifting with the times and writing it into the character's arc so that it's a logical and plausible development in cartman's story.
cartman's behavior in the last few seasons is consistent character development. m&t themselves are pushing it, and clearly it's sincere; cartman's not faking. unless they're building up a surprise twist over the last, what, three to four seasons, that he was faking the whole time! woah! if so it better be a damn good pay off, because that's a lot of time invested. though that seems more forward-thinking than sp tends to be. they're intentionally stuck in the short-term, aren't they? plot-wise. but their character development is pretty long-term, and right now, cartman is consistently decent, and if it comes across as faking, it's because cartman's over-dramatic in how he speaks, and trey does that intentionally.
that's a tonal thing, and it's hard to say in a fictional character, but as someone who struggles with empathy myself, empathy and sincerity don't go hand in hand. you can lack empathy while still caring enough to sincerely and wholeheartedly apologize for something and mean that apology. not feeling remorse doesn't mean you can't apologize genuinely; the two don't go hand in hand. you can be mentally ill in any capacity, even a psychopath, and still deeply care about things or people, just not in the way someone else might. so you can headcanon that cartman's still a psycho/sociopath, though right now that's actually kinda going against canon, but don't rain on other's parades if they're happy he's exhibiting healthy growth. besides, and i repeat: what could cartman exploit out of faking sincerity for several seasons? nothing, so why bother? he wouldn't, unless it's literal in-show subconscious growth.
does that mean he's magically developed empathy? no. is it becoming less probable he's a legitimate sociopath/psychopath (while still possibly having better-disguised antisocial tendencies)? yes. does he seem to have better coping or anger management skills? somehow, yes! he seems to be legitimately healthier. does this mean he's no longer accountable for his past misdeeds, and even his present, less-severe ones? of course not! and you can still hate him all you want, but modern cartman is not the same as older cartman, and shouldn't be treated as such. because is this growth? absolutely.
he's clearly healthier, even happier. he's less angry, he's still a little shit but he no longer relies on bigotry or cruelty or anger to get the negative attention he thrives off, rather he gravitates towards being simply annoying. you know why he called ice? pettiness, immaturity, a little bit of spite, and a need for silly revenge. he's being intentionally petty, but going about it in a sly but no longer psychopathic way. less hannibal lector and more, idk, regina george, lol. extremely different on the antagonist scale. and cartman's been both.
and maybe it's personal bias on what type of human is worse within fiction, someone unstable and bizarre with violent tendencies (which is how he's come to be viewed in pop culture & some of the fandom, as a result of eps like scott tenorman must die), versus someone inclined towards pettiness and more silent and, i dunno, social-status-and-pride-driven types of revenge (cartman in general when he's not being particularly awful, tbh)... but i think it'd be pretty universally agreed that the latter is at the very least more tolerable, manageable, and even likeable - and certainly more redeemable. let's put it this way; if cartman continued on the path he was on, he'd be one of those tiki holding fucks, wearing a confederate flag hat, and he'd treat kyle soooo much worse. instead, m&t have turned him into a hypocritical false-woke ignorant dumbass - but that's strongly less problematique than it's counterpart, and it works.
because cartman simply serves a different narrative purpose now. and that's not sloppy writing; it's well-timed evolution of a character that stepped into a pre-9/11, pre-trump, pre-social media world! so much has changed, and south park is reflecting that in its characters, most notably in a character who was stuck in the, what, 1960s with his beliefs? that was fine way back when, but matt&trey are smart dudes - they understand that sometimes things have to change. besides, they love cartman, too. he's their favorite. but they understand that when real people act like him, it's not so comedic or satirical or funny, & they don't want to look at cartman, at their creation who they've invested twenty-two years in, and see the all-too-real hate of modern radical white america.
i think we know enough about matt&trey's social stances these days, and the empathy they've seemed to develop after having kids, to understand that they're no longer in their "apathy is best, everyone is stupid" phase. current south park is left-leaning and admittedly preachy at times, but i wouldn't want it any other way. g-d knows it's better this way than if they'd embraced and decided to appeal to their right-libertarian following instead. cartman's evolved in a progressive and positive way, and it's fucking dope, especially to us cartman stans who so badly want him to be good. and he is good right! he's doing so good!
and i know im up my own ass rn but yall know how much i myself have campaigned for jewish kyman/cartman and how much i just deeply and truly adore it, and to see it actualized in a canon episode to some extent? that meant the world to me. i couldn't believe my eyes. i was tellin lai - that's the most genuine, pure, almost violent happiness ive felt in my soul in years. that was like a straight shot of serotonin to the heart. that simple little scene made me so fucken happy yall dont even know. & theres a lot to be said about the political commentary and plenty of other people are analyzing that, but im a simple jewish kyman & cartman stan and boy ive been fed good fjskfkdkdkfk!!!
#in other news#sickly jew shay had her vision white out at school today and almost fell down the stairs#my grandpa has been given a week to live#AND the anniversary of the most important person in my life's death is approaching#and i turn fucking 19 soon and i always have birthday crisises#so fucken superb!#in happier news family guy airs soon and it's unfortunately still a fixation of mine so im unjustly excited#lissen stewie's worn a yarmulke twice in fg canon and i cried then#i love cartman approximately... 50x more than stewie jus bc of longevity and. nostalgia and favoritism#i was in legitimate hysterics#sp continues to be my light at the end of the tunnel jfkskf#mine#txt#sp spoilers#theres so much here im sorry i ramble sm#i struggle w wordz and usin em ironically
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The Babysitter
Nestor x Reader
Summary: Emily hires you to babysit Cristobal (this is apart from the actual tv series events) and you and Nestor have some...tension. im bad at summaries ok.
Warnings: no smut just tension lmao. Cursing. Some predatory behavior, nothing beyond that.
Word count: idk tbh its longER tho bc i cant be short im s o r r y.
Hope yall enjoy 💞
The door chimed as you walked into the coffee shop, immediatley seeing Emily beam as she saw you made you loose a tension you didnt know you were holding. After leaving your last job abruptly you had been busy trying to get your shit together and through the struggle you were glad to take a break to see your old babysitter and childhood friend Emily.
"Hey (y/n)!" She stood up, you noted motherhood suited her well. She seemed more at peace now.
"Hey Em!" You looked down to see Cristobal sweetly sleeping in his noteably expensive stroller.
"So..." she seemed eager "I was talking with Miguel and we know you're...well...looking for a new job and place to stay so we thought it'd be perfect if you stayed with us as Cristobals full time nanny."
You were caught off gaurd to say the least "Oh, uh that does sounds great but i dont have any experience really."
"Dont worry well figure it out and ill be there in the beginning till you settle in. Trust me."
You thought you didnt have many other places to go either way and being in a stable enviornment would be good for a change. Fuck it.
"When can i start?"
Nannying was going better than you thought. It helped that Cristobal was more than well behaved but also you kind of had a knack for it. Not to mention the mansion Emily lived in. The only problem from time to time was that asshole with the cornrows. He always blatantly ignored you or just stared at you until you left the room. You thought long and hard about what you did to piss him off and couldnt think of a single thing, so you decided he was just an asshole.
You needed to check with Miguel about taking Cristobal to the park, going to his office you just found Nestor standing next to an empty desk.
"Where is Miguel?"
He didnt respond.
"Where.Is.Miguel?" You ask with more attitude than you meant.
He blinked like he didnt understand.
"Nestor!" You raised your voice
"He stepped out. He'll be back in 10." His calm tone didnt match yours. You instantly felt embaressed to have been rude. Shit.
"Thanks" you walked out wishing you had been more calm
--------------------------
When you walked in he looked up, thinking it was miguel, to see you. You were wearing that new top he liked. It hugged your curves. The sun was hitting your face making you glow.
Fuck you were beautiful. He wanted to shove the chair out of the way and grab you and kiss you more than he ever wanted anything he knew he couldnt have.
Shit. You looked mad.
"Nestor!"
He gathered his thoughts
He watched you walk out. His stomach twisted that you seemed mad at him. Fuck.
----------------------
They were supposed to be gone all day so you were walking around the house, bouncing and humming a hymn to Cristobal in your pjs. He slowly fell asleep as you walked around the stairs to the den, you stopped dead.
You were met with the eyes of Miguel, Devante, Nestor, and a fair skinned man with a lot of jewlery and a shit eating grin as his eyes obviosuly roamed your body. You were just wearing a little bit too short of shorts and a tank top that cristobals sleepy hand was tugging down. You felt your stomach twist and cheeks flush.
"Sorry-I I didnt know anyone was home, he was getting fussy so.." you trailed off as Miguel stood up giving you a look you couldnt read. You looked over to Nestor and he looked upset.
"Dont worry mija we were just finishing up." Miguel said, like he meant it.
"Actually" the strange man stood, still undressing you with his eyes. It was starting to piss you off.
"Miguelito i think we should wait till my party next saturday to...finalize this deal huh?" He said with that same grin.
"Por supuesto" miguel said as he ushered the man to the other side of the room, talking to each other in spanish too quiet for you to decipher.
You felt stuck in your place. You focused on Cristobals breath against your chest. Trying to let it calm you. You noted more of the man. He looked dangerous. Emily told you Miguel was a international businessman and you believed her till you came here. You werent stupid enough to ask exactly what he did but you also werent stupid enough to believe he was just a businessman either.
The men came back and stood in front of you for a beat.
"Hey listen im really sorry i thought everyone was gone-" you started
"No worries chiquita, but do you have a passport?" Devante asked, eyebrow raised
-----------------------------
"Well if im being whored out i mine as well look good right?" You said smoothing down the soft rose gold satin dress as Emily and Dita sang your praises.
"How many times do i have to tell you (y/n) he just told Miguel he wanted to see you at the party, hes not going to do anything and we won't let him anyways." Emily reassured you, doing your hair.
"You're a part of the family now mija, this is our job as the women." You knew that comment was true, you saw it with your own eyes and that made it sting even more.
You were doing it for the sake of Emily and her family you told yourself. Plus you did look amazing in the dress.
You tugged at the zipper of the dress, it wouldn't budge.
"Hey em, can you-" you turned to see nestor at the door.
"I can if you want" his voice was gentle. Not that he was ever callous with you but it felt deliberate.
"Yeah sure" you half whispered, surprised it got caught in your throat.
He walked over. You moved your hair in front as he gently pulled the zipper up. Touching it when he was done. You turned.
"Listo?" He asked
You nodded, following. Feeling a flutter in your chest.
The drive to mexico was beautiful and serene. You mind did wander to Nestor and how sweet he was to you. You wondered if it was a fluke. Maybe he felt sorry for you. You tried not. to feel sorry for yourself.
You arrived to what looked like a castle. It had the guards with machine guns and everything. You found humor in that, as the situation sank in, you weren't scared.
It you were honest with yourself even when Nestor was cold to you, you always felt safe with him.
You all got out of the car, you last, as Nestor helped you onto the uneven stones. It'd been a minute since you wore heels.
"Dont worry." He leaned down to talk close to you, squeezing your hand. You met his smile.
The music was loud as you walked in. People were dancing and the mariachis were amazing. You were thankful to sit next to emily and dita. You felt eyes on you from men and their wives. You tugged your dress up. Definitley not the most revealing at the party but apparently it was enough.
"Its because you are not married" Dita told you, a comforting hand on your shoulder. "They are jealous" She smiled. It didnt make you feel better. You tried to focus on the drink in front of you.
The man from the house yelled joyfully and drunkenly in spanish and started walking toward the table. The men quickly stood up and met him halfway. Ushering him into a private room smoothly. Not before you made eye contact and he winked. You held your shudder.
The night went on and you found yourself almost having fun and forgetting the dangerous people around you.
You went to the bathroom as Devante and Dita danced.
You were looking for the bathroom when you felt a heavy hand on your waist. You jumped and turned. It was the man.
"Hello pretty women" he said with a accent slurred with the smell of strong alcohol that pinched your nose.
You backed up to find yourself against a wall. You started to look for a way out but his hand got harder on your waist, moving to hold your hip.
He leaned in speaking breathy spanish against your ear you couldnt understand on your best day. You took the opportunity to side step, noticing his henchmen about 10 ft away watching, glocks on their hips. The situation sank your stomach. You wouldnt be getting out of here.
"(Y/n) ive been looking everwhere for you." Dita shuffled past the man grabbing your arm and pulling you away. "Miguel needs to talk with you." She said louder than necesarry.
You were at a near jog down the hall. She stopped and turned you when you were safely away but not into the main area.
"Are you okay mija?" She held your hand. You felt tears welling.
"Men like that will ways exist and here, you will find them in abundance. It's important to stay close to us. They prey on the lone wolf okay?" You nodded. She wiped the tear you didnt know you shed.
She stayed with you till you calmed down.
"Brave face mija" she said as you walked back into the room, back to the table. Nestor and miguel were there looking directly at you, worried, trying to read your face. You forced a smile. Understanding what being in this family meant. It wasnt good. It wasnt bad. It was just your life now.
Nestor quickly sat next to you. Emily eyeing you, sympathetically. They were all too smart to not put together what happened. She touched your thigh, you flinched. She removed it. You could see she made a heartbroken face out the corner of your eyr but you couldnt bring yourself to meet her eyes.
"Im okay i promise. Just..shook up" you were honest. She nodded. You knew she felt terrible.
The night continued. Nestor wanted to kill him and he knew how he would do it. He shared looks with Miguel. He shook his head. Not yet. The second you walked out, holding ditas arm like it was the only thing keeping you up his stomach twisted. Rage ran down his back.
When he didnt see that bastard Diego and didnt see you, his mind raced and he was about to go down the hall to kill that fuck when Dita grabbed him.
"You can't. It has to be me." She didnt have to explain. He knew why. It killed him to turn around and walk away from the situation as his mind let dark thoughts in of what he was doing to you.
He kept looking at you, he could see you trying to be brave but under the table your leg was shaking and you were fidgeting with your hands.
"Come outside with me baby" he leaned over so only you could hear him.
You looked over at him standing with his hand out. You were thankful. Did he just call you baby? It sounded good coming out of his mouth.
You took his hand. It was calloused and strong. It calmed you down almost instantly as he led you outside. When people saw him coming they almost fell over themselves to move out of your way.
The cool air felt good on your flushed cheeks. He let go of your hand and led you to the balcony. You leaned on it, embracing the night air.
"Its really beautiful out here, all things considered." You chuckled.
He looked worringly at you, "Thank you Nestor." You grabbed his arm.
Fuck, his name sounded so good in your mouth.
"You're welcome." He watched as you leaned against the balcony. He wanted to touch you, tell you, youre beautiful but after what happened thats not what you needed and he knew it.
-------------------
You stayed like that for awhile, in each other's silence. The muffled sound of the mariachis relaxing you.
You felt your eyes getting heavy.
"Dont get tired now its not even 1am yet." You looked over, surprised he noticed.
"Maybe we can just stay out here all night then." You smiled at him.
Fuck he would do just about anything you asked. Crawl on glass in the snow, change your oil, anything as long as you kept smiling at him like that.
"But it's probably best to go inside right?" You sighed.
"I think so."
You grabbed his arm as you walked in, holding onto him and keeping your eyes on the table.
Time passed and you struggled to stay awake, you leaned on Nestor's shoulder without thinking, you froze. He moved over to make you more comfortable, moving his arm around you but not too much. You snuggled in. Damn he smelled good too. You closed your eyes, feeling people looking. Fuck em.
You were stirred up by Nestor rubbing your upper arm "hey, hey, time to go."
You stirred, never really falling asleep but not present for the end. Everyone was filing out slowly.
Nestor was looking over to Miguel and Diego. He shook Miguel's hand. He didn't look away as he put his coat over your shoulders and walked you all out.
You noticed Emily smirking at you, making eyes at Nestor's jacket around you.
You tried to open your mouth
"-Ah." She cut you off. "You don't need to tell me anything." She smiled.
You smiled back, happily getting in the warm car and doozing on and off on the way home, catching Nestor look at you in the rearview mirror made you blush.
You all made your way inside as you felt the emotional fatigue of the day in your legs.
Nestor was waiting by the front door. Not for you it seemed. Just taking a moment.
"Can i be out here with you for awhile?" You asked, ready for him to say anything.
"Yeah."
"Thanks for tonight, for taking care of me."
"I know you can take care of yourself (y/n). I just didn't want you to feel alone out there." He spoke softly, sitting next to you.
You stared at his face for the first time it seemed. He was beautiful. You dared to glance down at his lips.
He followed your eyes. He wouldn't move qn inch on you tonight. He didnt want to chance pushing you but fuck did he want you so bad.
You weren't used to initiating, you could see he wanted you but wouldnt move. You closed the distance, stopping just short to see if he'd react.
His head just barely titled up towards you, you took it and kissed him, you being the one to take control felt good. You wondered if he was usually like this.
He was gentle and sweet and you found yourself appreciating it tonight. You grabbed his face and you deepened the kiss.
You felt brave and stood up and sat down to straddle him. He grunted in the back of his throat as you grabbed his braid he moved his hands to hold your thigh and ass.
The kiss slowed down and he smiled into it. You laughed, dropping your head into his shoulder, touching your lips.
"Wow uh-" you got off him, laughing with him.
"Yeah" he laughed, grabbing your hand. "Let's go inside."
He dropped you off at your room which felt cute and a little ridiculous. It was fitting.
Words failed you and it seemed to him, as well.
"Goodnight." He said softly again.
"Good night Nestor." You replied closing your door, silently congratulating yourself for not dragging him into your room.
Whatever, give it a week. You smiled.
#this has been on my mind#hope yall like it as much as i love nestor#he's so fine and so underrated yall#show my mans some love he needs it#nestor oceteva#nestor oceteva imagine#Nestor oceteva x reader#mayans imagine#mayans x reader#mayans fic#mayans one shot#mayans smut
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projecting onto player characters is....such a weird thing fghjdshgjfkeg
bc they are like....basically a blankslate its fucking weird tbh and gives me a bit of anxiety bc like. who the fuck am i if im so aggressively aligning myself with the core of these types of characters but idk....
the first time it was with yu and that started...god back in middle school for me. like the entirety of p4 and how i read it really resonated with me in terms of being lgbt and finding community and stuff...and like i guess the assumed emotions and struggles of yu was just something i latched onto...like he was just a displaced kid trying to find a place in the world and being so desperate for bonds and finding all his strength within them....and like. the lack of his shadow and later how his shadow manifests i just,....idk. ive always just felt really connected to him and i havent been able to shake it for the past like 9 years lol which is fucking WACK but he means a lot to me and maybe i played the one date sim too much but on god op fucking really somehow put the emotions i always felt like yu and i shared or well would have shared all into that shit like holy fuck i cant believe a p4 date sim effected me that much i am a clown it seems
and like now its def happening with byleth which is LITERALLY so embarrassing but coping is coping i guess! i just feel so stunted in terms of my emotions and i dont often know what they are or how to express them and i dont feel like a real person most of the time because of it and like after throwing myself into fe3h hell i like.....its just a lot. like i really feel the isolation and disconnect from oneself and emotions like how its implied/shown in game...i know these arent supposed to be characters i relate too but i just. understand the displacement and the disconnect and the frustration and all that shit. maybe im just weird and stupid idk but its nice being able to go and play those games and just feel...real, because i can really connect with them and all the shit ive mentioned and it just helps me work through it i guess.man idk what im saying im a little tipsy and im like in just a weird place rn bc im trying to figure myself out and shit and yeah.
anyways im gay and a fool lolhjfkhjkfd
#under read more only bc my ramblings r like. incomprehemisble. and its very winded.#news with isaac
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This is a fleeting post bc im busy as hell, the school year is quickly coming to and end and I still dont know how to come to terms with parting with my tc or saying goodbye but its fine
ANYWAY this has been on my mind
Last week I was answering questions in class or whatever and I kept getting them wrong. I was making stupid mistakes basically. He knows that its not a reflection of my ability, hes literally joked with me about getting questions wrong before which is way out of his character. I just wasnt on top of my game that day but he got quite pissed off at me. He said something like “it was part of your homework to revise this topic idk why you didnt just do it” but the thing is ive had a french oral exam, irish oral exam AND a music practical exam all in the last week, each of which has brought its own dramas and difficulties if you will. It was a lot to deal with and I didnt really have time to revise and it wouldnt have been a stretch for him to understand that seeing as every student was in the same boat.
But naturally, I felt really shitty seeing as someone I really fucking like got pissed at me but to make everything worse another girl (whos really sporty and guess what he LOVES sport. Im not involved in sport which poses more problems than you would think in a sport orientated school) answered questions wrong and he was like “have more confidence in yourself” or some bs like that. I got kind of upset and felt hurt (which is stupid i know) but managed to keep it to myself. Then he asked me another Q and I got pretty much every part wrong again and I was visibly quite bothered. I kept my head down, usually I look up at him and engage through body language or whatever but I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack (first one I would have had in a while) so I was solely focused on preventing that from happening. Luckily it didnt happen but he just kept probing me with questions while I was quite clearly upset. He didnt dismiss me or anything he just rubbed more salt in the wound. And he knew what he was doing, I felt him staring me down as he did this and it made me feel horrible. I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the class and he just didnt bat an eyelid.
The reason why I find this really insulting and hurtful is because I dealt with mental health issues a few years ago when I was much younger. I have since overcome those problems and I’m a completely different person. I’m more confident, motivated, equipped to deal with shit, etc. But he was present for said mental health issues a few years ago. He knows and he remembers how bad I was. I struggled with anxiety and he knew that. He knew I was fucking bothered but he didnt stop. He didnt even say anything to me about it since. I briefly spoke to him on a few occasions over the last week if I was missing his classes due to oral/practical exams and he was really nice and supportive and wished me good luck and all that. I just still wonder why he pushed me too far that day. A few of my friends are in his other class and theyve gotten upset before and he didnt push it, he just left them. Why didnt I get the same treatment? Was he just having a bad day or was it some weird power/dominance thing? Idk but it makes me feel weird. Sorry for the big long spiel, congrats if you read all of it lol
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soft bias tag
okay, its been ages since i did a tag on here!! but my hermanita @hocidi(or hijita now? since you call me mom?) tagged me to do this soft bias tag!
my ult is still minghao, but bc most of this is romantic stuff(and i dont really have a lot of romantic feelings for hao) i’m gonna do my other best boy, seungkwan
Who is your bias: Boo Seungkwan of Seventeen
What made you notice them: I always loved seungkwan, its so funny cause at first i used to be like “oh i wish seungkwan was my twin” and as time went on it was like “yes, seungkwan and i would be best friends we’d be a killer duo” but like...by the time boom boom era came around and he dyed his hair blond the first time? fuck dude, i knew i was in love. very specifically there’s one photo (here) that always comes to mind when i think about first falling head first for him, and well. now he’s my guy.
what’s your favorite thing about them: boy, everything! physically, i love his cheekbones/jaw combo, people really dont pay enough attention to his bone structure. and personality wise, i love his ability to just talk and command all the attention in a room if he wants to,especially because it’s not in a scary, authoritative way, and i feel it makes people comfortable while they also respect him and hold him in high esteem bc of it. I personally have a close relationship with words, so to see the abilities he has with just his everyday speech is...spectacular
who would initiate skinship more: i think both of us, but in different ways? i feel like i would initiate a lot of smaller touches, just so we can be in constant contact, and also id probably spend a lot of time thinking about something before i do it, but i feel like seungkwan would be like hey! let’s hug, and we’d...hug. he’d probably initiate bigger things, like hugging and hand holding, and it’d be more spontaneous for him.
who would hog the blankets more: i don’t really feel cold easily and tend to get warmer as the night goes on, so what might really happen is seungkwan will often wake up buried under all the blankets because i pushed them over to his side in the middle of the night
who would be more clingy: earlier on, it would be him, bc i dont let myself get overly attached to people, but maybe if we spend years together and i get used to him/his constant presence in my life, things might change
who would say I love you first: oooohhh this one’s tricky. if i feel like he’s still sorting through his feelings and commitments, i’ll wait for him to say it first, but if i feel sure about him and where his heart is at, i’ll say it as soon as possible. possibly way earlier than most people would. it’s not a big deal to me when the words drop(bc it’s really not about words anyway for me, its about proving it with your actions, and if he loves me i should know even without him saying it), but if it is for him then i guess i’d wait til he felt right about it. granted, i think the more open you are to begin with the faster seungkwan himself would open up, so maybe it’ll just be a toss up bc we’ll both already be on the same page.
who would be more easily flustered: i’m a confident gay, so like, it would definitely be me making him flustered as much as i can for fun.
What cuddling position would you two have: okay, so here’s what i’m thinking: he’s mostly on his back, however he’s comfy, and i’m curled up at his side with one leg thrown over him and he has one arm around/under me, and my head is either next to his on the pillow or on his shoulder (like this). we can reverse the positions too we’re flexible
which colors remind you of them and why: sunset colours!! i often call him my sunset boy, so sunset colours, and very specifically all shades of orange, make me think of him. they’re just...warm and sweet but also fiesty and bold colours which is...him in print.
which season would you like to spend with them: uhhh all of them for the rest of my life? Idk, I feel stupid answering this since I live in a tropical country but...mm, maybe the time period where it's not quite spring yet but it's not really winter anymore...like, imagine going on a road trip and you get to see the landscape change from white and snowy to bare for a little while and then everything blooms. gorgeous. i wanna do that with him. or maybe the summer season in the arctic where it’s light out 24 hours a day. or just mango season here in trinidad
who would bake cookies and who would steal the batter: seungkwan would probably make the decision for us to bake cookies together bc it’ll be a fun bonding experience or whatever, but he doesnt really know what he’s doing, so i have to give him all the instructions and explain everything to him, and then i let him struggle with all the dirty work and look on and occasionally snatch bits of the dough to ‘make sure it’s coming out right’
which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react: i dont really do puns, so it’ll have to be him. he probably spends all his alone time trying to come up with them. over text, he might get a eye roll emoji or a ‘why are you like this’, in person i’d probably just ignore it completely and continue the conversation like it never happened. (which might make him pouty, but pouty seungkwan is adorable, so either way i win)
which one of you would nearly burn down the kitchen trying to microwave a poptart and who come to the rescue: i’m brown and poor poptarts have never been a thing in my house, so i suppose it’ll be me who screws up. wake up in the middle of the night hungry so i sneak into the kitchen as quiet as possible, not even turning on any lights, put the thing in the microwave for way longer than its supposed to be. when it explodes seungkwan runs outside half asleep bc he wants to know who got shot. he cleans the mess bc he loves me and tells me to leave the pop tart prep to him in the future.
who likes to lean over tall railings and who pulls them back: it would be me, adrenaline junkie and lover of risks and high places, leaning over the railing of a tall building like ‘omg, i could jump right now it would be like flying’ seungkwan would drag me away and probably sit me down and lecture me about it too
what would you watching a horror film with them be like: i would never watch a horror movie, lol. next question.
who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt: i think we could both be cheesy when we wanted to, but maybe more him than me since he’s the king of cheese. flirting is one of my favourite pastimes, so i’d probably be a decently smooth flirt. as earlier mentioned, my greatest joy would be seeing him flustered and at a loss for words bc of just how smooth i am
who is more competitive: oh we are BOTH very competitive, it’s super fun when we’re playing a game or a sport and we’re on the same side and trying to crush the opponents, but i think we try to get on opposite teams bc its ten times more fun to try and beat each other. like just the thought of being better at him at something is already exhilarating to me ;;;)))))))
who would have to be given constant reminders: for tasks that are hard/uninteresting, i’ll have to have him remind me cause i’ll find 500 things that are more interesting to distract me when i just need to suck it up and get the thing done, and i’ll need the nudge. when it comes to just forgetting, i’ll probably have to remind him bc it totally slipped his mind.
who sends memes and who sends cute I miss you text at 3 am: he definitely sends the memes, im way too lazy to save them on my phone and then have to go looking for one that’s appropriate, that’s a lot of work. i’m happy to receive them though. and uhh...i wouldn’t send anyone a text like that at 3am and i wouldn’t like to receive one either, and i would tell him that. emotions get weird and warped at that hour, and i dont trust them on a regular basis, much less at 3 o’clock in the morning. i say, hold it in for now and if you still feel the same at 10am? then you go ahead and tell me you miss me. BUT if i get a message at 10am from seungkwan saying he misses me/loves me/is thinking of me? i would be on a cloud for the entire day.
this was really fun! my heart is warrrrrrrrrmmmm and ive been in soft stan mode for the past two days cause of it. so now i’m gonna tag @woozifi @minigum @mvpgyu @pabospoiler @seonyein @szrw @witchzi @yookik have fun friends!
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i dont know whether i want to hav sex with her like if i cud. i think that shes into me she smiles at me and she seeks me out and she laughs at my jokes and compliments my outfits? ive known her so long and i trust her kindness. i think shes cool and sweet and interesting and like she really listens to what i say and is childish like me like she isnt embarrased to act weird and silly and get excited about little things. she seems like she wants to be around me. and i hav convinced myself that i like her. for years shes been my go to crush. its just when i imagine being touched it makes me feel weird?? i know shes had gay sex b4 i think shes hot and pretty and i love her style. i wouldnt mind touching her but the thought of someone touching me in that way scares me i worry that it would repulse me. but i want it so bad. i want her to kiss me and rough me up a bit push her fingers into my thighs u kno stuff like that , is that what attraction is? my relationship to my sexuality and body even is so warped and abstract at this point so disconnected from what reality can offer me. i think she is closer than most people to what i cud actually even attempt to experience something with tho. like she gets me im afraid of men so women make me feel safer to try stuff with i only hav experience w girls anyway not that its actually substantial or like in that romantic serious context. i just i want to be wanted so badly i know that i have been at least once. i get so confused i cant possibly be that bad but noone has ever loved me for my body. i can timagine what its like to experience the reverse. sure i am granted the privilege of not bein specifically disliked automatically for my body but it isnt worth much more as social currency beyond basic decency (which everyone deserves but doesn’t get). maybe i need to be less in my head. but im scared ill try intimacy with her and i wont like it . and that will mean a few possible things which would fuck me up and scar my self perception. firstly, it could mean that im not capable of normal intimacy that i am really genuinely fucked in the head like the rabbit hole i fell down when i was 11 genuinely messed me up like i gave into some evil shameful thing inside me when i was a child and now i can never be acceptable normal healthy or loved securely. second it cud mean i dont actually like women ive been playing as part of the lgbtq community this whole time how can i face myself or my friends being straight is shameful to me its so lame and uncool i know this sounds so like weird and fetishistic or performative but thats exactly what im afraid of i dont want to see myself like this i wasnt ready to label myself but i did i labelled myself so young and now it feels scary it feels wrong for me to say i dont like it when people are like you;re bisexual right? i feel that thing when you share too much too soon like your skin is peeled off all raw and exposed. i hate that. what if im too messed up i dont know it for sure what if intimacy proves im broken. or at the very least very unique in a way that could lead me to living my life alone without partners or lovers i want so desperately to be someones favourite someone who makes me feel good when they touch me and anxious and annoyed. i want to care about someone so much. too trust someone to see my body like my weird moles and self harm scars my veins and hair and teeth i want someone to see me all of me and still decide they want me. that i am worth the effort that they would seek me out. i dont know if that will happen.
i drive myself crazy looking in the mirror in different angles wearing all these colourful frilly lacey outfits agonizing over how i must look. i make myself soft and sweet and loud and excited and loving so others will seek me out im like a duimb tropical bird and it hurts so much because it doesn’t feel like its working.
people say be true be authentic but they dont say how much it hurts to do that and not be idk rewarded? desired? like i am expressing myself and that is pushing people away even subconsciously? sure it would feel amazing for someone to see that expression and see that fragment of my inner world and think i love that i want that i want her i love her but it isnt happening not as far as i know not in a way which satisfies my lonely soul.
i just dont want to be disgusting i try so hard to smell good and look sparkly and fun and bright and loving i think the manic pixie dream girl trope really damaged my psyche
i think i like other people too i feel different when they touch me like it feels more intense more like its getting through.
as far as i can tell my type is funny, creative, nice boobs dark or curly hair usually, i like people who are kinda sad bc i think we are alike which sounds cringe but people who are just living in a way which seems at least to me in a non-judgemental way to be unexamined i just cant really relate to i cant open up to someone who wont understand. i need people to say the right things or at least say nothing and only respond with touch.
is it weird that i carry on asking myself if i was touched as a child ? like i dont htink i was but i carry on feeling like it could have happened or i convince myself i did and then i mistrust people for no reason. but something must have happened i had such messed up thoughts maybe it was all the sex on tv i watched as a really young kid my parents would show me stuff with full nudity and relatively graphic sex my relationship to modesty is confusing i think i find people more attractive with their clothes on? i just see naked people like ok? thats a body its normal i dont get porn.
one thing i regret was being drunk and telling M that i cant watch porn i like weirder stuff and she was like bdsm? and i was like no its so weird it cant be in porn but i didnt mean it like that i meant i cant just feel stuff from nudity without context and i am into weird shit i dont know why i think maybe my mums mental health issues which she projected on me im worried i was just made wrong like im just a bad seed like i was destined to want things which dont make sense. but then i consider my whole warped desire hinges on the way it could be percieved by society the way society views people and their intented state of being. i am attracted to corruption addiction to transformation to giving into desire to showing desire physically with your body in a way that everyone can see and you can no longer control.
everything in my life boils down to my relationship with control. maybe its because i felt i didnt have any control as a child. my life was shifted against my will and i have this learned helplessness both from having my needs met without asking and from having my needs ignored or at least met in a lacklustre way. but then i think who really had control as a kid? kids dont control their life they dont make the decisions that what a guardian is for ?? but maybe its because i felt as though i did have to make the decisions like i didnt have clear boundaries and i dealt with that by punishing myself for overstepping rules i made myself. bc i had no control not really it felt like nobody had control there was noone to blame so i made things up new problems i cud blame myself for or i saw the problems my parents had said to myself i have that problem too and punished myself for it with feelings or pain or exercise or silence. i couldnt trust anyone. or at least i loved people but i couldnt open up. maybe thats why im so weird and territorial i keep things secret i hide stuff in my cupboard its like i invent things to be ashamed of i create problems for myself to distract from the problems i didnt have control pver the conception of. when i think of my childhood i think of feeling bad and ashamed of myself for taking advantage of my father like he was vulnerable and all i did was take money and time from him and he was struggling so much financially but he would still spend so much on leasiure when i think of it now i realise that spending time with me and making him happy must have made him feel good i get it more now that i do that with other people but at the time i felt so guilty all the time for the price of my clothes my food my life. and my mum would always say how terrible things were with money how tired she was how stressed she was how it was affecting her body. she would talk about how much she hated her body her fat her sagging face her pale skin her poor health i asked her once what superpower she’d choose and she said i want to be healthy all the time and i was confused then but i get it now.
i just felt like i had to pretend to be happy or like i wasnt bored or the time like i didnt feel bad about how my stomach looked how yellow my teeth were how tangled my hair was the bags under my eyes and when i look back i realise no one was looking after me noone was making sure i brushed my teeth and hair twice a day i barely did it once a day i used to hate myself so much that i couldnt do my homework but nobody ever sat with me and made sure i did it past like the age of 7 . i remember feeling so scared of asking for help i remember having nightmares or being sick and standing on the landing listenning to my mother breather through her door being petrified of asking for help like she needed the sleep and i was a bad person for waking her up like i was lying and then i actually started lying bc she wud just accept it let me fester on my own in bed all day if i said i wanted to if i said it hurt too much. i just im so scared of feeling that way again of feeling so scared so tired so useless so guilty so dissapointing so stupid so dumb so shallow so selfish so unworthy so dishonest so lazy so manipulative i look back and i think how could a child have been so awful? how could i have been as bad as i thought i was? it doesnt seem possible. the point at which i became irredeemable seems to shoft forwards each year like its chasing me and i become more and more of a villain stealing a bright future from the innocent child i used to be. i used to fantasize about going back and doing it all perfectly. when people asked me about my choice of power it always had to do with avoiding the consequences of my mistakes either immortality or time travel to be able to change what i did or to be able to move on without losing my future without losing my finite time. i want to be free of these constraints that feel so self inflicted. i spend so long in these mind prisons i construct labrynths in my head and get stuck there all alone with no way of asking for help without admitting how i got there in the first place.
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archived from that secret q account.
ghosty boiyou are my world, and no matter how shitty the world gets i can't imagine one without youJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou are a part of me, and i know whatever happens, you always will beJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii love you, but the more we're apart and the less i see you, the more i remember all the painJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwhatever you say, what your family does, it affects me, and when im with you it will always be like that. i dont know if i can cope, and im breaking inside because i love you, but i know you've hurt me so much and i dont know what to feelJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boisome part of me wonders if its too late. you broke me. you hurt me so bad, and ive forgiven you so many times for things youve done that you dont even know you haveJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii cant help but feel you dont love me anymoreJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii cant help but feel you dont careJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boingl it kinda hurts me that you care so much about him? i know not in a loving way, but like you caring so much about him makes me feel like you care less about me, idk maybe im just jealous and selfishJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont want to read anything on this acc bc it will just bring up old pain. nd tbh if anyone found this there would be a lot of painJune 26, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boilmao so i just found out the reason i'm suspended is bc my boyfriend ratted my mum out to his parents and my best friend ratted me out to him mum and the teachers and then my mum went ape shit and then they all pretended they didnt?May 5, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boireally fucking hurtApril 15, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiand u have the nerve??? u cant remember me or anythin and uve been in such a bad place what since december?? thats 5 fuckin months man that ive been workin my ass off to support u nd help u get through so u dont fuckin die and this is what i get back? honestly im not mad im just really really hurtApril 15, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiiodk now that u throwing this shit abck at me its like u blamin me? like boy u were so much worse than me already u were one of the ppl who dragged me into a darker place but i stuck w u bc i loved nd cared nd now ur saying it my fault that u cut and that ur more depressed? bitch i try fuckin hard for u man and this is what i get back? u say i dont care that u alwasy comfort me when i work my ass off to get through to u and help u, when u just then reject me anyways - and proceed to say i dont try and that you want the help?? if you want the help then fuckin accept it ive tried so hard for u man?? vbut u dont see it do uApril 15, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou dont actiually want to be with me do you?March 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou make me happy but im sad atm bc i dont wahnt you to dieeeeee nad i just want to be happy and you to be happyMarch 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou make me so happy but i know i dont do that for you. my own insecurities mean that whenever any1 jokes abt anything i take it as real,, im insecure abt everytihng so every joke from everyone hurts me,. i care too much abt what ypu thinkMarch 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont know do you want me??March 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boilitearlly no one caresFebruary 23, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boino one wants me haha!February 23, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiha im so unwantedFebruary 23, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim not funn yim not smart im not useful im not talented im notmusical iumd fucjkign rpirdjbialedgesd im not a figood friend im nbot wirty i cant do anyithng im depresy wtihotutht e humoisr im eneddy im annoying i dongt get it im a fuckifng burden wso why are yioui still here whenvrber you see these things inothe rpsoelpe you hate htem gfor it wahyt fucking makles m efidferntFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boioyu literally dislike ebverything abtou me tyour jsut blind i dont get tiFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim evenrwyihtg you hate abtout this worldFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boihs ill never be fuckign fgoos enoughFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiha lmao u didnt see me crying uwuFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiu ran awya from meFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment 3 · Like ghosty boihehe im terrified of losing you for a different reason now but ig it doesnt matter bc u dont wannt me anywasyuFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii love you so much i just wnat to help i dont i can tlose youFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boihow can oyu say you dont feel and say you love me? i know you feel, you just try not toFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont want you to hurt me but yousoFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment 1 · Like ghosty boiyou lie to me. you dont call it lying but it isFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwonder what it's like to be okayFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii can't carry this anymoreFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyin and yang, happiness always comes with sadness. if you have one you have to have the other. whats the point in feeling and living at all because even if you achieve happiness you will always have sadness. it is always htereFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boione day of warmth isnt worth a year of coldFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boihappinesss is fleetingFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwhy am i always the one who hads to repaireFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii wihs oi culd he good enoguhFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiic ared about you but all you do is hurt meFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou just use me i dont understand i thought we were friendsFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boievent eh ppl eho care about me thinj uim worhtless, useless, dumb, stupid, weird, fucking djsfhalkdjfhreesstardsedJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwhy do you keep reminding me of my insecuriteS? i think everyone does. i shoulf tlak to you about it, but i d onnt want to make you walk on eggshelslsJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment 1 · Like ghosty boiwer both yknow you cousdl do so m uch better htan meJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii see it in your eeys, i sese the dissapointment, the 'what the fuck', youer crazy, ur weird, ur rude, ur pathetic, why can yt you be normlak, youe fake, you re not ogod enogumJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiur gonna brkea up with me one dya becaues liets be real inm not oging to do it but you wilwl get sick of me you jsut put up with me atm ur blifnefd by emptions - despite that you can still see im fuvkignJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim just not finny or smart or nice or anyinthig gim jstu not good enoguh nd ikjwo i never will neJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiill never be good enough icoulndt even last a dayJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boilmfao i m actually fucking discusintgnJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii knwo im just annoying, no one realyt wants me aorundJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim getting sicjk of peoplke using meJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii will never be good enough, i will never be good aerat anythingJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim fugcking sfisdudcisigng im such asuhit firend i dont know anyithng i dony care abt eanyone arenough i dont remmebe ran ythonig im never good enouhgJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boidespite how i present muself i dont feelsihlike a girl i jhate hit it hahtkljeshrkljsdfxklsjg bJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou will never be able to see past being sad that im not talking, see that there may be a real reasoon, because you will be too self absorbed to even realise that im not okayJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boithing is though if i dont help you you you will get all sad and upset (despite ignoring me) and wont even give me the chance to give a reason why, beacuse the reason is im struggling atm as well and need support myself but youre too stubborn to get your head out of your ass and realise that i need help toJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou always ignore me its pissing me off you just use me for when you need me and thats itJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont think ill ever be good enoughJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boimonths. it took monthsJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boior is that just an excuse?January 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiits so goddamn sad how you always pull away, but now isnt the time to mention itJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii feel like you dont actally want me around idk it just hruts when you distance urself rom meJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boino one really truyts meJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boino one caresJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boisighsJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiyou try and hel[p fuckignf ocus on yourself i want you to live ghoddamnihntJanuary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiwhats tyhe point in all this imf im judt going to lose you anyayJanuary 21, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii want to be better, and seperately i just want them to be happy nd idc howJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii never actually help lmao they were there for me yesterday when i was falling appart but i cant even help when they are sad or downJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boisighs now im wondering if im not good enoughJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii wish i could be enough, but i know i never will be. i know its not personal and i am not upset as such by it, i can accept it. i just am upset for them because i want to someone, something to be enoughJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii dont even know whats real anymore i cant tell what happened, what i thought happened, what was a dream, what i was hallucinating, what was flashbacks, what i wish had happened i cant even trust myself so how can i trust anyone elseJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim so done. im so tired with trying im so tired with everythingJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim so sadJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii got down bc of ehta they did but that didnt change anythgin they got fuvkin down otooJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boii never helpJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like ghosty boiim nfuckin uselessJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment · Like
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