#but my mind wont shut the fuck up
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#i really fucking hate my brain right now#i put on a pair of jeans today#and they're the only jeans i bought when i was at my lowest with my eating#which means they're the smallest ones i have#and i put them on td and they were tighter than usual#and i fucking hate that im using them as a yardstick for my body but i still do it#and i know logically they're just tighter because 1. im actually fucking eating properly#and 2. i'm bloated anyway from my period#but there was this little voice in the back of my head screaming at me that im not fucking good enough and nobody will ever want me#and i've made alot of progress with my eating#i've not intentionally skipped a meal in almost a month#but my mind wont shut the fuck up#and my partner always says “text me if you need me” but i cant#because it's the middle of the night and for once#for ONCE#theyre actually taking care of themselves and sleeping#and it'd be so shitty to ruin that because i know that thats really hard for them#so now i'm just lying in the dark listening to music#and trying to drown out my thoughts with it#but it's not fucking working and nothings fucking working and im so so scared im going to relapse again#because i dont want to do that anymore but i dont feel like i have a fucking choice#and nobody will probably read this except alex#gods bless them#but i just needed to write the words#because if i dont do something#i'll do something else that id regret a lot more#tw eating#tw eating disorder#ed vent
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prev reblog about the hypocrisy in the difference in coverage between Ukraine and the most recent atrocities in Palestine is so fucking true. it boils my blood how most people in my classes were in support or could easily be pushed to be in support of Ukraine and how [relatively] easy it was to tear down russian talking points- yet i hear zionist talking points so often.
i had a guy sit down next to me last week and talk about how hes upset at the decrease in support for Ukraine- i haven't heard him say anything about Palestine since a month or two ago i screamed in his face for repeating Zionist talking points about 'self defense' and refusing to listen to me and have empathy for the Palestinian people.
repeating some quotes the same Guardian article used to make its point that are very true of the mindset i see people holding:
“It’s very emotional for me because I see European people with blue eyes and blond hair … being killed every day.”
“Now the unthinkable has happened to them. And this is not a developing, third world nation. This is Europe!”
“They seem so like us. That is what makes it so shocking. Ukraine is a European country. Its people watch Netflix and have Instagram accounts, vote in free elections and read uncensored newspapers. War is no longer something visited upon impoverished and remote populations.”
these people only cared about Ukraine because it hit to close to home, ruined the idea that they were safe from war. these people are not speaking up about Palestine. these people make me sick.
#thebirdspeaks#palestine#i had so much sympathy for having Ukrainian family#people were supporting them and applauding the Ukrainian resistance#now they parrot zionist talking points just like the people they laughed at for repeating russian ones#i could get people to shut up and change their mind by tearfully recounting stories of my elderly great aunt trapped in a warzone with only#a phone line and Ukrainian red cross food packages between her and starvation#now it doesn't matter how many stories i retell about Palestine#bc it doesn't aline with the political interests of the imperial core#so they dont fucking listen or sympathize#dont humanize#fucking hypocrites#i dont value their sympathies or support for Ukraine anymore#and wont unless they support Palestinian liberation as much as they did/do Ukrainian
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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Going into 2024 with a respect for what I've lost but hope for roads ahead 🙏💜
#this year was rough but what i found myself thinking about mostly this morning was my late friend tammy. and then subsequently everyone#else ive lost in the past few years#yes things were difficult with relationships jobs general life things. a lot of things changed for me in the last months as well that#were out of my control and because of that infuriated me#and i found myself thinking about what tammy would have probably said to me if she had been alive and in her right mind while i was going#through all of these things#and she would have said 'shut the fuck up jay. if you're telling me this then you're fine and you got to make it. you got to be here so#yell if you want to break some shit if you need to. but just keeping looking forward'#she said things similar to me before so it is like i heard it in her raspy yet lilted voice. anyways this is getting really sentimental#and personal but. i wont tempt things saying 2024 will be great for me. but at the very least i have hope i can make it what i#need it to be. no matter what ends up happening#if you read this ty and sry sry. i hope you have a nice start to your new year and plenty of calm vibes this year#-pers#-cw death mention#but it is in the tags#also super secret lue lore with a prev name drop but i wasnt thinking about that idc yall can know one of my old ones im not editing it
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no bc jealous keith is something I never get sick of reading and always it never misses with him somehow being misread as angry at lance which in turn makes lance annoyed at him bc what did he ever do and it frustrates keith even beyond the point of agony he's already in and keith either goes off beating the shit out of something or riding his bike to chill bc if he doesn't he's gonna put his whole heart on a platter and he's not even sure if he's ready for lance to just laugh at him or reject him or never want to associate with him ever again and and and
#klance#my post#off my rockers tonight completely insane my mind wont shut the fuck up about them#6 years guys ive realized nothing makes me more insane than them what does this say about me#my roots man i cant ever leave them again not ever
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I need to get a gym membership first thing after I move..... I need a physical outlet. I've just been overstimulated and full of anxieties. like it sucks bc half my mind is a demon who hates me and the other half is logical and so tired of the emotion demons bullshit.
#im fully self aware when my mind becomes my enemy#and i know its not logical but like#it wont fucking shut up#i always become reclusive when im like this#bc my demon brain over thinks and manipulates my perception of reality#i just need to get to a point where i can shut it off#i cant push myself while im like this tho#or it gets worse#:(
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very niche thought here but currently thinking of a disco elysium x rune factory crossover. specifically in the rune factory universe
your character wakes up without memories and (at some point you realize they had) a mission to fulfill
theres mentions of a past of war and destruction of towns and discrimination
characters that have something wrong with them usually
i think shivers would guide harry into what is wrong and has to be fixed (and into saving the rf world)
also levelling skills like endurance would upgrade his rp and hp, maybe upgrading hand eye cordination would make him good at fishing or something and some maybe could help you with magic and forging and stuff
hed be a farmer who has a special kind of connection with the earth, both going well with him considering taking gardening as a hobby and just.. how he is with his skills and stuff
id also want to take kim on adventures and dates tbh. not just kim honestly thatd be cool to make all the single characters people with who you could go on dates aside from lilienne. also rf(5) lets you be bisexual so...
also having a system for gift giving which people may like or dislike you based on the gifts could be funny bc i feel harry could fuck up with the gifts, and i think the skills other people have and what they like could be... an interesting thing to develop..
also in a way youre constantly changing your clothes, at least your armor, but technically if you have a wardrove and the clothings he could just go out in his pajamas or whatever hed use for swimming and just have your armor and weapons on top of that
anyways im gonna be thinking about it. if im willing to give them game appropiate clothes i may actually consider this more but rf fashion is a nightmare but yeah
#my posts#disco elysium#rune factory#like. i based it on all rf games that came to my mind but i also tried to not really give spoilers#but.... yeah give me my amnesiac bisexual disaster protags and ill mash them up#also ngl i want a rf game that is really dilf aged characters GHIUDSGH#i respect the games arent really for adults so the characters are younger usually i accept that#but also yeah give me the dilfs and milfs#also if it was all older characters and it was in fact a crossover it could be a bit more fucked up while also not really#like rf universe has a few things going on but de is a fucking mess#also in rf5 youre a ranger that acts sorta like police and the system is corrupted#wont say more than that but thats a thing#... if its kind of rf4 timeline events i imagine this guy being in other part of norad and learning about the dragon gods#and as a stupid thing hed fall for ventuswill lmao id respect him he strikes me as a could be dragon fucker#im gonna shut up now bc as i said this is very niche but i had to get this out of my brain <3
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#tw ed rant#anorexia tw#all i fucking want#is a thigh gap#like that’s all i’ve wanted since i first dropped weight#everything else i can live with#i don’t care#but i fucking hate my legs#and i have tried so hard to fix it#but i can’t#every time i lose weight it’s never from my thighs#and every time i gain weight that’s where it goes#i can’t fucking fix it and i hate it#and i’m back on edblr again which i swore i wouldn’t do#but my mind wont shut the fuck up#so i am#and i did fourty minutes of cardio td#js bc i couldn’t shake the feeling#and i just want pretty legs. thin legs.#but it’s fine
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girl help im going back n forth on whether or not i should send an email to thank the beautiful man fr letting me join the drawing session last week (more info on that entire situation here and here) and letting him know i probably wont be back but appreciate having had the experience either way. great or horrible idea leave a comment or DM to lmk.
#anyway more nuance on the whole situation is this. i am very single and this guy keeps being on my mind but i do not have any read on him#the last contact we had was me makin an ass of myself by going like hehe yeah this was nice everyone was nice ok yall have a nice evenin bye#while my heart was like visibly pounding out of my chest and u could probably see on my face i was internally thinking girl shut UP!!! LEAVE#so im like ok either hes weirded out by me so let me say thx AGAIN now in a composed way AND giving him peace of mind knowing i wont be back#unless?? i was not as awkward as i thought & get reassured i can return any time and then i could still b like thanks! and just Not go#i mean even then he might say it's fine even if he IS uncomfrtable w me just to 1. be nice and 2. make money w a participant locked in yknow#it does NOT help that the line btwn casual and professional was like NOT there btw its him just hosting the event as we all do our art idkkk#anyway if you THINK youve PROBABLY been a lil off is it better to 1. have a do-over and get closure or 2. fuck off forever hoping u never#like EVER run into the dude again and be awkward AGAIN bc well! u live in the same city and are both into art so?? there IS a possibility#I CAN SEE THE PROS AND CONS OF BOTH OPTIONS REALLY#yay for sending email: get a response get some clarity NOW. nay for sending email: girl u met him twice. please. leave the stranger alone <3#the one positive abt me feeling Dumb and Embarrassing is at least every time i think back i heave a Big Ole Sigh. feels nice tbh feels good#sad part is i rediscovered how much i love doing art and want to improve. would love to return it was so cheap.. pleek ill get over my crush
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treated myself to the very short beginning section of three houses just now but i had to stop n turn off my switch when the game asked me to pick a house bc i started agonising over whether to go w edelgard first or just jump straight into the claude route
#x#fe posting#everyone and their momma says to leave verdant wind for last bc it’s the most satisfying to tie up all loose ends route#and to do azure moon or crimson flower first. bc they work better as one of the first routes#and i TOLD myself ok ok sure i’ll do edelgard first then that’s fine. i like her and a lot of the black eagle characters im sure it’ll be#fun. but meeting claude in game and giggling n twirling my hair over everything he says is KILLING MEEEEEE i can’t abandon him i can’t IM#GONNA FEEL SOOOO BAD#he’s so charming crying real tears rn. i Know what i need to do but man…. pain n suffering …#i remember seeing a take somewhere once that said smth abt how claude gets so permanently shut out of the true potential of his goals on any#route that doesn’t pick him bc he doesn’t get the chance to really establish himself / figure out all the secrets of the game#and so he’s just narratively. barred/locked out from his dreams for good. and ever since i read that it makes me wanna crawl up n DIE when#i think abt it CLAUDE. CLAUDEEEEEEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also just in general he’s SOO funny and quirky i love him so much he only said like maybe ten lines total but he’s literally such a riot#playing the game while knowing what his entire deal is is HILARIOUS he’s so fucking funny. and painfully tragic even from the get go. AUGH#one of his first things being calling himself the embodiment of distrust is so. it’s just so!!!!! like he WANTS u to know it’s all an act#EVERYONE knows it he’s not being subtle at all BUT THATS THE POINT!!!!! bc if everyone knows it’s an act that he plays around w then they#wont go snooping around as much!!!! AUGHHHHHHHHH !!!! CLAUDE !!!!#im going crazy i shouldn’t have played this i need to finish my last assignment first. n then i can lose my mind over claude#OHHH also can i just say his + edelgards first interactions are SOOOOO funny they’re so much fun. i love their little banter n back n forth#literally iconic showstopping no one can top them EVER#anyways. it’s almost 3am i need to sleep n write my essay tmrw lol
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#honestly i dont even wanna apply to colleges#dont get me wrong i wanna go to college so bad#i wanna go and sit in seminars and learn and talk and have my mind blown and meet new ppl#im hooked on the college experience itself#but application makes me wanna bash my head in with a rock#honestly i just wanna get run over#and my parents are more excited about this than i am cuz they wont fucking shut up about letters of rec and essays and common app#and i just want everyone to shut. the fuck. up#if everyone could let me just. do my thing. for a solid while#i would be somewhere#maybe i wouldn't be at fucken yale or whatever but id be somewhere that makes me happy
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i want no one to mention vil’s age unless he asks you (which he likely won’t considering recent events). that’s one new kryptonite that vil cannot face with a straight-face just yet. we don’t even talk about it.
#i hc he doesn't look at a mirror for a Minute since then.#dont make me bring the hc back of him having serious dysphoria thanks to that#gradually gets more obsessed w/ his appearance. but sometimes he gets serious nightmares and it puts him back to not looking for a minute#he'll just ask someone how he looks instead of looking himself.#◟ ⋆ㅤㅤif my hair's a mess﹐my mind's a mess.ㅤ( ooc )#to delete *#idia probably would though. its its idia#'remember when vil'#vil throwing his shoe to shut him up#or idia keeps talking and fucking wedges a knife into vil verbally bc he wont take the hint JFHSAF#everyone staring like 'stop. idia stop'#even kalim.#'iTs a NaTuRAl oCcuReNCe!' fuck u
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beyond out of it. been trying to get my mom to take me somewhere all week and also i need to find my glasses prescription before school starts so i can get real contacts and my mom ALSO wont help me find that. youd think someone could take a fucking picture of it (which trust me i WILL ONCE I FIND IT GOD) plus ! i need to figure out what i'm actually going to do in the mornings once school starts because we have to start doing a whole new thing because of the weird ass covid-to-back-to-normal schedules and im going insane
#ALSO THE DOG IS DYING WE MIGHT MOVE SOON I FEEL LIKE MY DAD MIGHT TRY AND TAKE US AGAIN AND I HAVE MY FUCKING PERIOD#AHHHHHHHHH#mind you she wont even not help me because of money because i literally am paying for everything i need rn#vent tw#or more of a#rant#it never shuts up
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