me when a character grieves someone they loved: oh thats sad

me when a character grieves someone who has hurt & traumatized them & who they deeply resent for it: AWWWOOOOOGAAAA!!!! HUMINA HUMINA HUMINA

there's a circle of semi popular tragedy enjoyer succession blogs who all have me blocked because they used to be tragedy enjoyer hadestown blogs and before that they were great comet blogs and they all blocked every visible deh enjoyer over tonys discourse in 2017 and now I can't reblog their posts about lesbian vampire sex and being doomed by the narrative. what a world we live in.

vague musing theme re: deh in evan and the Mom & Son theme and evan taking on responsibility for how his own mom feels, and then also connor's. irreconcilable tension in deh, as in life, with [the family unit, at its smallest: a Parent & Child unit] inevitably needing to be validated via supporting whatever conclusion we get (and the conclusion support it in turn) versus whether, actually, that not only Can be enough but Must be enough, b/c of how it cannot be denied, that is: rejected

we have Parallel Moms in the first song, it's a relevant difference that the murphys are relatively rich & the hansens relatively poor, but the Primary effect of this difference being heidi's frequent absence at home due to working, vs. the lack of such financial pressures resulting in cynthia being....stuck at home and trying to figure out anything in life Through her role as Stay At Home Mom, whilest she also Isn't guaranteed more successful connection with her children (or husband, except that: he's Here, married to her) for that, as established already in that first song lol

evan right off the bat taking on the pressure of how his mom needs him to have a good year because also she needs to have a good year, and heidi talking about this in terms of things that evan needs to Do, like, he needs to Order Pizza*, he needs to be Making Friends & then Be Away Hanging Out With Them (*also i always consider how evan Could've avoided getting pizza to not spend the money? but nothing else (besides evan being conscious of financial woes & feeling pressure abt this more generally) really suggests this is the case, and i guess at any given point he has $20 to spare)....then referring to the Resolution of this relationship where suddenly heidi has a turning point offstage (like, offscreen lol) wherein now she can go "oh i didn't know you were Feeling like this" versus like. that the conflict the rest of the time is with her own feelings, of course, and evan's Behavior. wherein she doesn't really mind the bare facts that he's dealing with anxiety, has prescriptions & therapy about it, but she Has minded about the things he needs to Be Able To Do (specifically on his own, mind you) and what's important to Do to get there (despite the letters sure not seeming to help, and then like, never officially being written again. does he still go to therapy appts?)....and that she starts feeling rejected by him As His Mother, which is like, the main issue up until she reads thee letter via facebook and realizes [evan thinks he's failed heidi as her child, because of how he makes her feel (bad)]

that even when heidi refutes this, prior, it's not the answer when like, "you're the one good thing that ever happened to me" is also like about as much pressure as could be put on evan, The Answer here wouldn't necessarily be like "no don't worry, i don't reject you as my child, because of how you Don't make me feel bad / Disappointed"....cynthia illustrating this, though we have little sense of how connor felt, probably not like "i feel really secure b/c my mom definitely isn't disappointed or anything"....and then "sorry i can't give you more than that" from heidi as a followup is Effectively a shutdown to conversation b/c like, what can evan say to that, it's basically on par with something like a sarcastic "well sorry i'm not perfect / i guess i'm the worst parent ever" that's like yeah obviously nobody's perfect nobody's the Best Or Worst person ever, it's a dismissal. which i hardly think heidi's Trying to dismiss evan or anything, or is being disingenuous, but again like "i'm trying my best / i can't give you more than [my best, or your being the best thing in my life]" can't really serve as any kind of Concluding Remarks if the conclusion isn't just like "okay so we haven't reached a resolution but let's cut it out now"....it's fun how of course we can understand how then heidi would find it devastatingly hurtful for evan to be like "well it's not my fault other people can [give [me] more than that]" but it's also like welllll the only reason here it's Not true is because evan's (a) got his World Of Lies going on, which heidi doesn't know is part of this situation & (b) evan is looking for validation that he's Supported as a Child figure to the murphys in these pretty superficial ways lol as per the fantasy of the like ideal suburban untroubled nuclear family unit....cynthia's just Here, with time to cook, larry's just Here, with the willingness to impart his own interests onto evan, they don't know evan has [diagnosis: anxiety] going on, evan feels like he's making these parents feel Better and themselves validated as parents, via both his fiction about how connor was maybe happier than they know, and his performance about being this no-hassle no-problems no-friction child who's also just Here. unlike connor....like tbt like eh excise the part where evan does happen to be making things up to have gotten here, and like. is it so bad he stays at another family's house when his mom's out at work. would it be so [Bad poors] if the murphys paid for college for him. heidi clearly responding to this with a "sorry, our bootstraps, you know" reasoning but Really primarily rejecting it because she's thrown at the apparent realization that evan's Replacing her with the murphys, she's rejected as his Mother....as she makes explicit in the next scene, the I'm Your Mother & they're Not Your Family(tm) like. okay, and? again, she doesn't know evan Wasn't that secretly close to connor lol and part of the point of deh is these lies bleeding into truths from the start, and Why evan lies, which isn't just "b/c he's an evil sicko?" nor as an elaborate scheme to get at zoe though like, at this moment i'm trying to puzzle out what couldn't be improved by zoe Not being a murphy....

well anyways. the tension here being like "yeah when is One Person ever """"enough"""" for anyone else all on their own. why do we demand that happen" like How & Why. no single person could or should be Everything to someone else. we even see how like Two People really don't have the resources for their One Child together completely on their own, and why is it that it Should be whittled down and isolated as much as possible. wherein the costs of being a parent, one who is tasked with bringing up a child with as little external support as possible while also already getting little external support as an individual in the first place (which a spouse, again, One Person, is supposed to fulfill in any/all ways), is supposedly offset like "well the magic of parenthood will be (Should be. if you're a good enough parent (threat)) its own rewards....and btw the child is Yours. they're someone stuck in a house with you. you can have this fantasy about Who They'll Be and try to ensure they become that. sure you're in charge of them (a burden!) but also: you're in charge of them (you can be an authority figure in this one aspect of your life). you can Always have access to them no matter what, because of the fact that as soon as a child exists, you're Now & Forever Their Parent"....i'm your mother, they're not your family....how are cynthia's like Identity Crises that are expressed to her family through cooking resolved? well, so far as we know, they aren't, but hey she's not getting divorced. zoe implying that cynthia's problems are thanks to having nothing to do / not leaving the house, such that gee evan your mom's lucky she Has to work....while evan apparently feels like heidi at least in part is always going to work b/c she hates to be around him, since he's all like well i presume you're so Not Unhappy in being the Mother to my Child that that's why you're always at home, cooking every dinner....like, what happens there? does cynthia join a club? take up a hobby? is evan Right that it's chill being stuck at home if that household is happy (as is the "it's fine having women's lives be Staying At Home, if that household is good enough :)" ideal) like well not sure but the status update is: she's not getting divorced

anyways i'm arguing against the nuclear family including in its theoretical distillation of "well god a Parent & Child if that's the very best you can do" here lmao and uhh deh not so much since the mother & son aspect Must resolve, kind of like what's supposed to be required of the parent & child aspect irl. and not like i think it's terrible it Does resolve, or it shouldn't, in this Story, but it's a definite [shhhruggg] from me like yeah that's nice but like, what's evan have going for him besides "he doesn't think his mom hates him now" (better yeah) and "he has a customer service job" (like oh my god so sorry. is this supposed to be Better? like oh he can order pizzas now? idk we don't get enough detail. ppl just get a part time job like yeah it's fine. i also have part time schooling but i'm saying it's a year off?) and this is not disconnected from how i feel about the Evan Needs To Believe He Could Have The Theoretical Perfect Gf which has to be answered in the end by zoe like, yeah i Wish we could date without the history. alas....like, Huh. why is she saying this (a) as a character & (b) as the conclusion to this story? god knows, but not like we don't know the ideals of Romance are also considered keys to the success of the nuclear family, and are an interim goal even if you don't have the kids yet, or like a begrudged Alternate goal as the next most adjacent thing, being Single has to be as vulnerable as it is re: any material or emotional support as Needed, much less what is Wanted for any further fulfillment. down to destruct the nuclear family & romance in one fell swoop baby. pointing at the camera and deh you're first (this sentence is a joke, the previous one is humorous but fully in earnest. kind of like [jared & alana (especially alana re: the earnestness)])

anyways again this is all still vague lol just sure Noting how very relevant it is that evan is motivated by a sense of his responsibility in how he affects his mother's like overall emotional landscape. while heidi does derive / seek emotional support from evan. not like her kid can be Emotionally Irrelevant to her, or like there's no good & relevant way for evan to be aware of or interact with her feelings. or like all of this is saying the point i want to make is that heidi is terrible or something. the parent i'm firing out of a cannon & into the sun is larry though lol. like heidi, being a person, can be Imperfect, and have an imperfect relationship with anyone, including her son, and have feelings, and care about her role as a mother....and all this can Not be resolved by evan simply not hating her either, or by anything else All hinging on her son. like how idk how cynthia's gonna do better than she was even before she was a grieving parent when nothing's changed for her except that a manifestation of happier memories is i guess enough that her terrible marriage can be sustained lol. larry's arc starting out dismissive ending up dismissive, with some dismissiveness in between...an anti larry zone here for sure

meanwhile it's sure just Something that like, heidi transitions into this equivalent role with 2 of evan's Peers in good for you. other people having noted that heidi being previously Rejected & presumably also pretty much fully cut out of the life of her ex husband is playing into her feelings here: a relationship of hers with a Peer. just now as i type this being like hmm interesting to juxtapose this with [so big so small] moving Away from this perhaps by tapping into evan being like a very small child. while the murphy parents, again, find resolution in turn by remembering better times with also much younger than he was connor....aaand in both cases presumably less "difficult" children than when they're teens :I like i wouldn't have heidi Not be mad or anything, another whole point here is that i wouldn't expect nor demand deh to be like, issuing a Statement about "and everything you saw up here is a model of the ideal family experience okay," heidi can even feel petty about it or have whatever other reaction and of course she's gonna feel hurt but like when it comes to Good For You i'm like, alana's grievances? hell yes go off. jared's grievances? hell yes go off. heidi's grievances? yeah alright but actually i'm more so on evan's side on this one lol....even when this scene establishes a clear pattern of "evan is also being petty & hurtful to people on purpose with his remarks here as he lashes out at each of them as things come to a head and he's deflecting responsibility" like yeah. and i feel entirely sympathetic to jared and alana here and not Unsympathetic to heidi so much as there's very immediate limits to that and (a) i don't think shutting everything down Because We're Family / I'm Your Parent as a fallback to whatever you do To your kids or whatever you fail to do For them, is legitimate, positive, constructive, non coercive and (b) heidi does & has been looking too much to evan for emotional support. wherein, again, don't need to go "i guess it's b/c she's a terrible individual" when it's like, she lives in a society....what else Does she have? where else is she Supposed to get any & all emotional needs met outside the bounds of her household (family) and her role as a parent/mother?

which is not really unrelated to evan's situation out here wherein, where is He supposed to find support and get his needs met? he doesn't feel that [at home] is providing that, even with him at least in part blaming himself for that, b/c he's not a good enough child for his mother. he turns to school as an avenue for Friendship, and when alana doesn't singlehandedly fix his whole life with a Hi before homeroom, nor does jared, and btw connor wasn't gonna do that either even if the "again i'm sorry i pushed you" hadn't been [their interaction: gone to shit: 2], like uh oh once again One Person isn't being Everything by virtue of somehow the status of "friend" making everything inherently perfect, or, [making everything perfect] defining the status of "friend," see: For Forever. see: how in sincerely me you have jared & evan effectively discussing, by proxy & creative fiction & plausible deniability, the presence of Effort & Communication in a relationship, as well as pretty much laying out a mutual belief in / effort towards successfully Becoming the person you'd like to be through deciding on who that even is and then just like, trying to be them lol. a sentiment that could hardly be wholly dismissed, people having goals, inevitably changing so you may as well be trying to be growing, but that ofc they don't have the perfect ideas at 17 of who they wanna be, How to be that person, and they sure really don't have much support to draw on for whatever efforts, And this being driven too much by insecurity & self-loathing re: who they already are, no pressure from anyone around them....and evan of course ending up thinking well the only thing that could fix my life is Romance, a Gf. and then he's not only finding himself in a situation where he feels responsible for another mom's feelings (cynthia), and feels like how people can think of the concept of connor is how they can think about him, & As he's navigating those things he starts feeling like he's finding some of What He Needs, and he already felt like it was up to him alone to do that, so of course it all escalates / continues for the next like hour & a half....he Is isolated, they all are, and not just because like uh oh evan on that damn phone

and then idk it's like yeah heidi realizing evan was actually thinking She was gonna reject Him and she tells him she won't. and for some reason zoe has to crop up to reassure evan about his potential for romance in general; meanwhile she's doing fine b/c....her parents' marriage is doing better = they're going on dates = also how cynthia is doing okay? idk. and no status updates on the couple of peers who also had no friends, weren't dating anyone, and didn't really mention family except alana's grandmother having died and jared not telling his parents anything and then only mentioning them previously to basically avoid getting in trouble with them oh and also how they'll be gone for a weekend so he's inviting his boy best friend to hang out with him the whole time like HMM to all of that!!! like well i don't think deh is really Trying to reach the most Definitive Conclusions in its story & what it's exploring, and that's great b/c (a) yeah there's a lot going on in there! and (b) it sure doesn't lmao. and i would always be detached from & in disagreement with "idk but Nuclear Family & Nuclear Romance must be like, It, right" or "idk. just be more normal" lmao. where'd your gay little peers go for the past half hour. bring them back out here

anyways i said "vague" so that i didn't have to try to muster a thesis. like yeah just noting Evan Feeling Responsible For Moms' Feelings: His Own, & Connor's, as very relevant up to his mom reassuring him she can't Feel like rejecting him / doesn't hate him. evan making sure to Behave as conveniently as possible around the murphys, and around his mom as well; while what heidi tends to talk about is what evan can/should Do, including how he should be Trying to feel, and as ppl often notice she doesn't have great boundaries, and as i'm at least noting, does need validation from evan / puts her insecurity on him in turn where again up until so big so small she's worrying about him possibly rejecting her. though she does seem to be Over That upon realizing evan felt That Bad, actually, and like thank god yeah evan doesn't have dialogue about "yeah btw mom i will never disown you" lmao. can sure look at this as just like, well, some "doing the best with what one's got?" wherein uh oh we Don't have much support outside this household/family, so it's good to improve it....like yeah sure lol and would be good if it was good even if they did both have a zillion other important connections to turn to in their lives. again, let's destroy romance and the nuclear family. and a further improvement were if cynthia got a divorce and befriended heidi (awkward at first but idc. here: they meet at a social group for divorcees and go from there lmao)

I never believed i could see so much good shit and bad shit existing together in the same TV episodes untill I watched ST4 vol2.

Good shit first. (I love Eddie but I'm not Eddie. Lol

The film scoring? They absolutely ROCKED IT your honour.

The part when El chose to walk away from Brenner in the desert, with the strings coming in along with the typical synths?? EPIC. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

At the end of Episode8. That song. That vibe. SLAYED. You know they're marching into a last battle with hearts ready to die.

And towards the end of episode9, that Kate Bush rescore? That got me pounding my fists on my precious desk people. The music of volume 2 was amazing.

The character arc, the growth of most of the characters (not you Mike wheeler go away), is very intriguing. I especially want to talk about El and Max. One thing I love about their character arc is that they both learned to face what they did "wrong", say farewell to those memories with a smile, and not forgive. My power sisters.

Let's talk about Max. Her monologue in the Creel House attic was so brave. Billy to her was always a bully and would always be so in memory(kind of makes me think of Zoe hating her brother Conor in DEH but that's another story). And she said it out loud and showed us it's ok to not forgive people for what they did to you. It didn't matter that Billy died kind of saving the other kids from the giant rat monster. We are not obligated to worship the "heroes" that did us wrong. It's okay to hate someone's memory in peace. Max showed us that, and I think it's beautiful.

Now about El. El's whole relationship with Dr. Brenner has been both confusing and intriguing. I never knew what to think about Brenner myself as an audience. Should he be spared? He was indeed ever so sincere in helping El find her powers and did give her good life lessons. For El, I believe it's equally confusing. I don't think she hates or loves Brenner, the man who helped her so much but kept her in hell. So in the end, she chose not to compromise and say that she understands. Because she doesn't. What Brenner did to her in general was never something a human being should experience. That moment when she said "Goodbye, Papa" was the most powerful thing in Stranger Things history. I respect the duffers for portraying that.

And I'd like to pause and talk about Steve for a moment. I think this Season Steve finally realised what he needed. And I'm exactly talking about still having a thing for Nancy, because when he was talking to her in the woods, there's just something that tells me that: though he once wished, he had overcome his feelings for her, and now sees her as someone who ignited and initiated his personal growth and he is simply grateful for it. Telling Nancy about hoping she was the one to build the family with him was the final act of relieving the burden off his shoulders. Steve can finally live as a grown young man whole and brave without a girlfriend called Nancy Wheeler, and with a bosom friend called Robin Buckley. The final part of him smiling at Robin's successful hooking up with her crush was one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen on this earth.

Lumax relationship in volume2? THE BEST. I feel like there's no more to be said it's just beautiful sooooo beautiful. And please let's give a hand to Caleb for being the coolest actor ok??? All those repressed agony written in every line on Lucas's face had my heart shattered to pieces. No more to he said. Shout out to Lumax. Shout out to Caleb.

And let's talk. About. Eddie. FUXK I love this character so much. And Joseph Quinn was a stunning actor. I loved all the volume 2 Eddie&Dustin moments because they showed how a freak like Eddie could be the most lovely, childish, and authentic person. As a fantasy nerd myself I totally FELL for he and Dustin's design for battle outfits and weapons. Eddie brought his love for fantasy to life. He realised himself to be just a normal person and assured us it's completely ok to not be a hero. Yet at the same time he stood his ground facing the demobats, not to imply that we still somehow had to be heroic to deserve the title of a "lovable character", but to simply come into his own - being authentic about the fantasy nerd that he is. I wasn't that hard. He made himself his own hero. He wrote himself the powerful ending of his own tale.

Now let's talk business. The bad shit.

And I'm talking about YOU MIKE WHEELER.

In conclusion, I'm mostly just confused about what the Duffer brothers are on about regarding Mike's feelings for El and Will. I literally got my hopes up for getting "the beautiful monologue" and it's just a frickin confession to El.

Was that authentic? I actually don't think so, because Mike was basically following what Will told him to do. He was good at words Oh totally and that saved El alright, but considering El got her powers back, defeated Vecna, and rescued Max from memories with her mother, her own sufferings, and her girl time with Max, and not A SINGLE memory that helped her came from Mike, it's had me questioning whether El needed Mike as much as Mike thought she did. What's more, and pray people forgive me for saying this, but i DO not see love in his eyes when he talks to El. Words we're just springing from his mouth like he recited them. No camera focus on signs of softness or quite looking-each-other-in-the-eye moments. Moreover, "Two Days Later"??? What happened to a supposedly logical tender moment about him and El reunited when El narrowly escaped Vecna's mind? If Mike Wheeler really was the straight asshole hopeless unromantic character as he is, then why, after a big beautiful confession, would the episode not show he and El's reaction? It's sus to me, and i pray it's not just the duffers falling their standards.

So all this Mike-El-Will relationship, let's turn to Will. I am disappointed about how Will Byers was still almost a side character up to the end of the season. And his feelings for Mike? I almost stopped believing. I really did I was so distressed. But all those hints. They are there and I can't ignore them.

I will not stop thinking about Will teary eyed telling Mike how El needed him. How she felt so different. Because written plainly on this boy's beautiful face are the unspoken words "And me too, Mike. Me too." Did Mike never catch that? Did he never wonder why Will was crying against the van window? Was the following focus on Jonathan's troubled face indicating nothing? I don't believe it.

I will not stop thinking about Will's broken Voice when he answered Jonathan in the back of the kitchen. He did not come out to Jonathan as we so readily expected. Fine. But what I don't understand is all the crying.

Let's face it, Will's emotions have been so unstable in these two episodes that I am shocked that I didn't see an outcome to this. The writers built it all up to such an intensity that I was sure logically something is going to happen. The truth is, nothing happened. Nothing. How can a boy be acting so fragile through two episodes of TV when no reason of any kind resolved this mystery? It's not even unfair for viewers anymore. It's unfair for Will. You wrote the play out to reveal he's on bursting point with huge obvious hidden emotion and didn't give him a chance to speak.

I don't understand. If emotions, why the waiting to be ended in nothingness? If no emotions, why the hints? It doesn't make sense either way, and I'm not being delusoonal. I'm talking logic.

Anyways, I hate and love Stranger Things Season 4 Volume 2. Over and out.

one of the aforementioned deh Thoughts™: Connor as Evan’s golem. I want to preface this with the fact I am not Jewish, and although this post is about Jewish folklore I do not claim to be an expert.

So, in considering the intrinsically jewish nature of deh, and in being reminded of golems as they exist in Jewish folklore, it got me thinking about connor as evan’s golem.

it kind of stems from the definition of a golem as something made to fight the battles for those who cannot themselves. the idea of connor that Evan constructs throughout the play is a stand-in for himself- playing out what would happen if his attempt had been successful. He creates this character to fight his battles of being known, all he wants is to be seen but he’s so deathly afraid of being seen as he is. Connor takes the brunt of this, of being the kid who killed himself, of being the person people pity or see as a burden or pretend to know.

he also fights the battle of being loved. evan gets to see how the absence of someone like him is felt, that every one else is just as terrible at connecting with other people as he is, that even if you don’t feel, loved you are, sometimes people just don’t know how to say it, or forget you need to hear it.

I mean, let's be real - BMC's success was half "anything's better than DEH" and half the fandom foaming at the mouth because they could force an Unrequited Gay Love story into the narrative if they squinted, and thus it was The Best Thing Evarrrr

You mean a fandom comprised of Steven Universe raised tweens got excited about sad gays that are not there? I’m shocked.

A-T-4 016 Papa Levi

Out of the Saxon DJs from the early eighties Papa Levi was a star even though he didn't achieve the mainstream success of Smiley Culture or Tippa Irie in the UK. He remained with Saxon and touring the world with them throughout the eighties spread Papa Levi's lyrical style and delivery over Jamaica and New York

I've read a few articles that say Papa Levi, whose real name is Phillip Williams, was the first of the Saxon posse to cut a record but I thought this was Maxi Priest and his original 1983 version of Strolling On, maybe it's because Maxi Priest was a singer rather than DJ this gets ignored? anyway Papa Levi (as Philip Levi) and his debut single Mi God Mi King was on the UK Reggae Charts in January 1984 and topping it by February

Below is a section form a 2005 blog post on Papa Levi by John Eden and I've added tracks at the appropriate points. One thing I'd like to add is Papa Levi's single Big Broad Massive n Hard is an example of black pride and confidence that you also hear in lovers rock

Maxi Priest and Paul “Barry Boom” Robinson produced Philip Levi’s “Mi God Mi King”; the first vinyl outing for a member of the troupe of Saxon MCs.

The tune originally came out on a Bad Breed 7″ in 1984 and stormed up the reggae charts, hitting the number one spot in February. The reason for its success was that it was the first bit of vinyl to capture the “fast chat” style which had dominated Saxon and other soundsystems for the previous year, if not longer.

When the Bad Breed pressing sold out, the tune was repressed on Level Vibes as a 12″. In fact this was a Maxi Priest/ Papa Levi double header, with Maxi taking the first cut on each side, Levi following with a deejay version and then the dub finishing up. 

I can’t begin to describe how well all this works – Maxi’s “Sensi” is one of the best UK roots tunes I’ve heard with its proper raw production (cruelly polished up on his 1st LP) – following it with “Mi God Mi King” doubles the impact – Levi’s ability to cram more words into a line mean that it actually feels like the riddim is pitched up. It isn’t. His break-out into double speed vocals half way through the track provide the kind of intensity also seen in jungle with its beats going twice the speed of the bassline.

Mi God Mi King

The flipside of the 12″, with Maxi’s “Love in the Ghetto” coupled with Levi’s “Mi Deh Ina Mi Yard” is perhaps even better. Maxi haunting vocals making an appearance in the background of Levi’s ominous chat about the Brixton riots… Veteran reggae journalist Penny Reel remembers the demand for the song at the time meaning that all the available record presses in London were running full pelt, 24 hours a day to satisfy demand. Indeed “Mi God Mi King” was so successful that it was snapped up by Sly & Robbie in JA, who released it on their own Taxi label. Levi then made history once again when the tune became the first by a UK deejay to reach number one in the JA charts. Imagine the feelings of elation that must have unleashed in the reggae community in the UK and London, who had looked to Jamaica for inspiration since the very beginning…

Mi Deh Ina Mi Yard

Riding the crest of a wave, Levi then became the first Saxon MC to sign a deal with a major label in the form of Island Records. Island are mainly associated with "album-ised" 70s JA roots like Marley and Burning Spear (as well as worthies like LKJ) but it also seems that they had their fingers on the pulse of homegrown talent.

Certainly Levi’s releases on Island are every bit as good as those on indies and the talent is definitely all there in the form of producer Paul “Groucho” Smykle, Paul Robinson continuing with drum duties and George Oban on bass & keyboards. Oban deserves a special “Uncarved gold medal” for going the distance with Aswad, UK fast chat, On-U Sound and even the Red Crayola.

[There's a bit on Papa Levi's first Island release Bonnie & Clyde I'm skipping and going straight into the UK classic...]

Big ‘n’ Broad followed shortly afterwards and was a return to more familiar soundsystem rhymes and attitude. The tune is about Levi’s lyrical dexterity and his career as an MC with Saxon Studio International. I’m assuming a good few people have already heard this because it’s on the Lyric Maker mix, but the 12″ also includes an extended instrumental section which we left out. A classic, anyway.

Big Broad Massive n Hard

Tracing a deep message in the film De Gaulle (2020) by Denny Ja

The film has the power to convey in-depth messages to the audience. Films can also be an effective medium for introducing important history and events in our lives. One of the films that managed to achieve these two things is "De Gaulle" which was released in 2020. The film was directed by Denny JA and offers an interesting experience in exploring the life and leadership of Charles de Gaulle, an important figure in French history. In this film, Denny JA succeeded in describing the personal life and political struggle of Charles De Gaulle quite well. He succeeded in highlighting crucial moments in French history such as World War II and the struggle for independence. Through a combination of accurate fiction and historical facts, this film is able to present a story that inspires and photographed De Gaulle's leadership well. One of the deep messages that can be found in this film is about courage in facing challenges and making difficult decisions. Charles de Gaulle, as a leader, was faced with a difficult decision during World War II. He must maintain the remnants of his colonized country and lead the struggle to free his people from colonialism. This film illustrates how important courage in facing such big challenges is, and how difficult decisions can bring significant changes. In addition, this film also highlights the importance of commitment to the values and principles that are believed. Charles de Gaulle is a leader who is firm in his beliefs, and this film is able to illustrate how important it is to maintain integrity in dealing with diverse political pressure and public opinion. This message reminds us of the importance of loyal to our own values, without ignoring the views of others. The film "De Gaulle" also illustrates the role of women in De Gulle's life and its impact on their struggle. Yvonne de Gaulle, Deh Gululle's wife, is a strong and influential figure behind her husband's political success. This film shows that the support and contribution of women in political leadership should not be ignored. This message also reminds us of the importance of gender equality and recognition of the role of women in social change. In terms of directing, Denny JA succeeded in creating an atmosphere that is suitable for this story. The right visual use and music gives a deep impression and arouse the emotions of the audience. He also managed to direct the actors well, so that the audience could feel the emotions and conflicts in the story. Overall, the film "De Gaulle" is an inspiring work. Denny Ja succeeded in describing the life and leadership of Charles De Gaulle well, while delivering in-depth messages about courage, commitment, the role of women, and values that are believed. This film not only entertains, but also provides valuable teaching to the audience. Thus, "De Gaulle" is a film that is worth watching and appreciated. Finally, this film teaches us to always dare to face challenges, maintain the values that are believed, recognize the role of women in social change, and always committed to good principles. Check more: Tracing a deep message in the film De Gaulle (2020) by Denny Ja

This is a weird comparison but your mention of how the marketing of DEH sort of mirrors what happens in the show reminds me of that post about how the hunger games was like about kids killing each other and the government that forced them to advertised Katniss’s story as a love triangle to undercut the attempts at a revolution. And then the movies came out and they were marketed as a romance and all the merch was about which boy you wanted her to end up with 😭 what is with marketing teams just completely missing the point of things they’re trying to advertise

honestly i had exactly that in mind when i was writing those tags… i don't even know if we can say it's always marketing teams missing the point so much as marketing teams repeatedly being given the task of "make this story palatable for mass consumption so people will pay money for it" even when the story in question is about making terrible things palatable for mass consumption and the repercussions it can have. and the hunger games also has the common issue with deh of "it's about teenagers, so i guess we have to market it to teenagers, which means we can't focus on or really even mention all the terrible stuff that they do / that is done to them even though that's the point of the story," which never helps

Sick of mediocre modern pop musicals being the only shows people care about.

ayup, clanny! have you seen the AGOTI mod yet? if yes, can you do some headcanons or a scenario where the newly imprisoned AGOTI meets the unwilling warden of the void who’s been trying to escape for a few years (i think time moves faster in the void), so they team up to get out. When Cherry and Keith show up, Cherry actually recognizes the warden as the crazy talented old producer for her and Tabi before they mysteriously disappeared, and they all end up escaping and the warden becomes AGOTI’s new producer. -🎋🦊

Ooooh nice idea! I love the mod so yes ......

"Ugh..stupid-ass demon scumbags!" Agoti stormed around the Void in anger, jumping from one floating rock to the next. "They couldn't handle me taking the spotlight?! What kinda bullshit is that?!!"

"Hey buddy, you might wanna chill out-"

"SHUT UP, ASSHOLE!!" Spinning around, the tendrils of his hair lashed out at the other person who spoke.

But he was surprised when you dodged the attack. With little effort you grabbed his hair and flipped him over, sending him crashing to the ground. He groaned in pain and opened his eyes, shocked to see the electrified prong aimed at his chest.

Though he also saw you were covered in armor, sporting a symbol of some kind on your chestplate. "I'm giving you one more chance to calm down." You warned. "I really don't like hurting people."

"Yeah? Well you really kicked the shit outta me just now.." Agoti hissed, but ultimately decided to give in. "Fine. I'm cool. Can ya point that thing somewhere else?"

You nodded and held your spear back to your side, while he got up and dusted himself off. "Who are you anyway?"

"The Warden of the Void. I assume you're that hotheaded "A Guy On The In-""

"Just call me Agoti. It's less of a mouthful." He put his hands on his hips, looking around at the white sky. "So you're the warden of this place? This goddamn prison that I shouldn't even be in.."

"I heard a lot of folks say that but..I'm inclined to agree with you."

He did a double-take. "Wait, really?"

"According to this log.." Waving your hand, you brought up a hologram that displayed his profile. "You're here for...outshining every singer in your town and threatening the careers of two famous rockstars?"

"...what the fuck..so they weren't bullshitting?"

"No. To be sent here because of that is an unusual punishment."

"So you can't enter a plea deal or whatever? Make those jerks come in here instead?"

"Unfortunately I can't." You made the hologram disappear. "In a way I was wrongfully imprisoned, too."

Agoti seemed baffled, so you explained how you were sent here ages ago. You've forgotten what you previously did, but one day you were just randomly given the duties of the Void's warden. Anything you needed to subdue and process prisoners was granted to you--but you could never leave even if your sentence was finished.

You've sought out ways of escaping for years...without much success. But you didn't wanna get caught, and until Agoti came here, you had no actual incentive to leave.

Once you finished your story, the screen demon hummed in thought. "So..you want out, I want out. I bet we can make something happen." With a toothy grin, he offered his hand to you. "How 'bout you show me the ropes and I'll help you find an escape? Deal?"

"It could take us a long time to figure that out." You hesitated. "You should be aware that time moves exceptionally fast in this dimension. Minutes out there are like hours in here-"

"So what? Better to start finding a way out now than later. C'mon.." Agoti was growing impatient, but fortunately he managed to get through to you, as you shook his hand.

"Alright, Agoti. It's a deal." You smiled.

...........

Neither you or Agoti knew how long it's been since you made that deal to help each other escape.

But finally, you figured it out. The solution was right there in front of you all along:

A singing battle

Singing was the key to escaping this place. With the combined soundwaves of two singers, a portal to the real world could be produced.

Now the only problem was...you were never really a singer, and Agoti was. So it wouldn't be a fair match that can create a strong-enough portal.

"You're tellin' me there ain't another goddamn singer here?!!" He fumed one day as you regrettably told him no other prisoner was proficient in music. "Great..juuuuuust GREAT!! We spent all this time and got nothing out of-!"

"Wait, what's that?"

Agoti looked to where you were pointing, seeing a portal opening up in the sky, before two figures fell out of it: a boy with blue hair and a girl in a red dress.

They crash landed onto the platform you and Agoti were on, miraculously suffering no injuries of any kind.

"Huh..this is new.." He remarked as he approached the couple.

The blue-haired boy made a beeping noise, standing up and rubbing his head. You noticed the microphone in his hands, but more notably..you recognized the girl who was with him.

"My apologies but..have we met?"

"Hm?" The brunette looked up at you, surprised, though you could see her eyes flash with recognition. "Are you...[y/n]?"

"[Y/n]? You two know each other?" Agoti quirked an eyebrow, bewildered. He hadn't known your actual name until now.

"Yeah, a long time ago I was her music producer. But last time I saw her she was with someone else." You mused, trying to remember who her last boyfriend was. "It was.....Tabi wasn't it, Charlotte?"

"Woah woah...Tabi dated her?!! No way. He never told me about that!"

"Yeah um..we were together for a while," Charlotte awkwardly chuckled. "But....I-I'd rather not talk about it. I just have a new boyfriend now. He's Keith." She gestured to the blue-haired guy.

"Yeah! And..uh...skee deh beh doo bop!" Keith pointed at Agoti, who looked offended by whatever he said.

But he went back to snarling at the pair, manifesting a microphone out of thin air as he stepped closer. "Another singer, huh? Well I hope you have better insults than that! Because we're all gonna be here a while....a very long one."

Knowing what was about to happen, you decided to stand by them and make sure nobody else interrupted, while Charlotte hopped onto a nearby floating rock.

And so you watched Agoti and Keith have a rap battle, in which your friend kept losing again and again. You did try to warn him not to lose his temper, as this could be the only chance of you two escaping this prison.

But his frustration and impatience got the better of him, as by the third round he turned the platform into a giant speaker and sent it flying into the air. Poor Charlotte was clinging onto the rock for dear life, but you caught her and tried to keep steady as the platform swayed.

"Well..so much for "staying calm"." You sighed as Agoti shouted at his rival, berating him for "insulting him", before the two had one final showdown.

Although he lost yet again, their combined efforts managed to breach a portal into the dimension, and you all escaped through it.

Finally..you and Agoti were free from this hell.

~Epilogue~

In the weeks following the events in the Void, you've decided to become Agoti's new music producer once his career started back up. Thanks to your talent, the fans returned in no time at all.

The main issue was him previously making a competition out of singing, so he decided to perform his music locally and lose the ego...just a little bit of it.

Meanwhile Solazar, his friend and manager, was concerned about Charlotte and her ties to the family that trapped you to begin with.

Though the two of you just brushed that aside for the time being, wanting a chance to experience the real world again.

It was good to be back.

It's 2am and I'm getting salty

Haven’t seen the Evan Hansen movie. Probably won’t.

But as An Actual Professional Musical Theatre Person who actually had to study vocal pedagogy in order to get one of her two music degrees (God, I felt pretentious saying that, I’m so sorry) the fact that a 27-year-old is playing this role is good. You know why? Your voice doesn’t fully settle in until you’re about 30.

And this role is hard. Like. Really hard. Actual teenagers should not be singing this role. They will absolutely wreck their voices, and if they have to do it 8 shows a week or go on a promotional tour for a movie, or even just do a bunch of takes in succession without proper vocal rest day in and day out during the filming period, that voice wreckage could be permanent.

Y’all can Discourse™ about DEH and its Tony win and its flaws and its discussion of mental health all you want, I really don’t care, that’s not what this post is about.

I’m just tired of people saying that a reason not to watch it is simply because a guy (not even this specific guy, a guy) in his late twenties is playing a high-schooler.

just some musicals i rly like that aren’t talked about enough

listen i know these are all popular/successful but they r STILL underrated idc

(musicals like hamilton, deh, hadestown etc. aren’t here because i feel like they get the hype they deserve)

next to normal (!!!) if you like deh, sa, company, or falsettos you’ll prob LOVE this- it talks about mental illness without stigmatizing it, the music is incredible and has rock vibes, the vocals are AMAZING, also it has aaron tveit, the ending is bittersweet and really pretty- it won a pulitzer for a reason. it focuses on a family in the suburbs and the effects of grief, loss, and mental illness. it might be hard to follow from the soundtrack alone so looking up a synopsis would be helpful to first time listeners. there’s a big theme of recovery and acceptance, and moving to something close enough to ‘normal’ to get by. you will cry. tw: suicide attempt, mental illness, drug use, death (happens before the show begins), electroshock therapy, memory loss

falsettos the 2016 revival cast has a proshot available! the casting is 100% and it’s such a nice story, focusing on an unconventional family unit in the late 70′s - early 80′s amid the AIDS crisis, and growing into a family and learning how to love. the lyricism is lovely, and the pacing is always quick and energetic, the songs are really catchy, and you WILL cry.  (you will like it if you have daddy issues or anxiety) tw: death

spring awakening very emo. rock vibes. you’ll prob like it if you like next to normal, falsettos, deh, heathers, mean girls, or most andrew lloyd webber. angsty teens in germany. jonathan groff. there should be a tw for suicide, abuse, abortion, rape, and a sex scene that’s in the grey area consensually, and mental illness. its DARK. somehow every song is about sex, the lyrics and melodies are very poetic and metaphorical and pretty. you will cry. its the most emo musical ever.  tw: like, everything

the last five years the story of a 5 year relationship, starting from its inception to jaime and cathy’s eventual divorce, based off jason robert brown’s real marriage. jaime starts from the beginning of the relationship and cathy begins at the end, with their respective timelines intersecting in the middle at their wedding. they take turns telling the story. they are the only ones singing, the soundtrack is basically the entire show but the timeline stuff could be confusing. there is a movie version w/ jeremy jordan and anna kendrick that’s well done and easier to follow. you will cry.  tw: dysfunctional marriage??? infidelity i guess, and divorce

catch me if you can  aaron tveit and norbert leo butz. AND KERRY BUTLER. do i need to say more? really good music, from the dudes who made hairspray. based on the 2002 movie of the same name, which was based off the real life story of frank abignale (a con man in the 60′s). the songs all fit the vibe of the story well and are addictive. aaron tveit served in this (funfact: he didn’t miss a single show during cmiyc’s broadway run), and his vocals are just amazing. kerry butler’s big song, fly fly away, is my favorite song of hers ever. you probably won’t cry. its a fun show.  tw: I have no idea, maybe prepare yourself for the beauty that is aaron tveit+kerry butler’s voices together. idk. you’ll like this if you like beetlejuice. bc kerry butler. 

bonnie and clyde jeremy jordan AND laura osnes! musical about bonnie and clyde, the music was written to fit their voices, their chemistry is really nice, and their voices blend together well. it’s a fairly (?) sad show, you MIGHT cry but it’s generally a fun show with catchy music. jeremy jordan’s clyde barrow accent is an experience.  tw: death, sort of toxic relationship, rape/abuse, 

assassins one of my favorite sondheim shows, ever. it explores assassins throughout american history, specifically people who have tried to kill and have killed american presidents throughout history, starting with john wilkes booth. it uses a framing device of an american CARNIVAL. very unsettling. dark. twisted american dream. good music (as always, thank you mr sondheim).  tw: lots of murder and assassins (duh), good dose of southern racism mainly courtesy of john wilkes booth, suicide attempts

I hate the Dear Evan Hansen movie already.

I know we don’t have a lot to go off of, but the casting and several mentioned changes are enough to question the intentions of Pasek and Paul and the other producers, writers, and directors involved.

Of course Pasek and Paul aren’t the main heads of this project, but considering their past successes with La La Land and The Greatest Showman and even an Oscar nod(s), it feels like they’re trying to create a new Oscar worthy blockbuster that fits the norms of mainstream media more than the needs of the audience and the integrity of the story.

So, let’s talk about the cast.

Ben Platt. Too old. I’m sorry, but he’s beyond playing a high schooler and compared to the rest of the cast, he’s just not a convincing teenager. 

Amy Adams. Incredibly talented both in acting and singing. She has a wide array of titles, more recently working in drama and thriller. She is too cool to play Cynthia. She would, however, be great as Heidi.

Amandla Stenberg. The It-Girl. She is amazingly talented, but why does Hollywood result to only ever booking specific young Black actresses? Zendaya and Amandla are always the first to be chosen for a “racially diverse” female character.

Kaitlyn Dever. No thoughts. I haven’t seen Booksmart. Just seems like another It-Girl choice with the success of that movie.

Nik Dodani and Colton Ryan are the only ones I am looking forward to. Nik will be a great Jared and it’s wonderful we have a POC in that role. Colton will be a fantastic Connor and hopefully this will boost his career more as he was just kind of an “understudy” on Broadway and most DEH fans ignored him. (Also, Kleinphy rights, lmao.)

Now, let’s talk about Danny Pino...

I won’t be commenting on him as an actor, rather I will talk about a rather big change to the role of Larry Murphy.

Larry Murphy is now Connor and Zoe’s stepfather.

This may seem small, but it’s a change that entirely changes the dynamic of Larry with the Murphy family, especially Larry and Connor’s relationship.

Larry and Connor’s relationship is often overlooked because a lot of the fandom tends to ignore or vilify Larry. He’s the tired father that doesn’t understand the changes in his life, so he approaches them with anger and frustration. He watches his own son spiral into a severe depression and eventually take his life. The whole time, he was just as lost as Connor, not knowing what to do for his son and only ever using discipline to handle him. He comes off cold and stoic, but eventually breaks from the reality of his loss.

A stepfather can absolutely have this relationship with his stepson, however it automatically changes the dynamic of Larry and Connor. Considering how Hollywood handles mixed families, Larry being Connor’s stepfather is no doubt going to turn into a case of “Ergh! I hate my stepfather!”

On top of that, while Evan and Connor are reflections of each other, their families are supposed to differ in dynamic with the Murphys being a traditional “Nuclear Family” that appear perfect to everyone outside of them, while Evan’s family is broken and estranged. Connor feels isolated because he feel he doesn’t fit the forced perfection of his family. Evan feels isolated because he feels he’s invisible to his own parents. Larry now being the stepfather destroys that contrast and erases the very important difference in Evan and Connor’s lives as highlighted in songs like “To Break in a Glove” and “Words Fail.” Evan wants to be a part of a family that hasn’t been torn apart at one point.

We also need to look into the intention of changing Larry to the stepfather. The article breaking the news boasted of Dear Evan Hansen’s diverse cast. Not a bad thing at all and something I look forward to, but right off the bat it comes across as “we’re rewriting this character for the sake of diversity rather than the integrity of the story.”

Why does Larry need to be rewritten as a stepfather to accommodate a white passing Latino actor when they could have casted Latinx actors for Connor and Zoe and made the Murphy family biracial?

Why are the only POC cast members always the side characters in the plot?

Pasek and Paul do not have the best history of diversity in either their movies or their musicals, so this casting and rewriting of the story just feels like pandering. You can have a diverse cast without having to jump through hoops rewriting the story and the characters.

Yes, this character is Larry Murphy.

But he’s not Larry Murphy.

Changing Larry Murphy to a stepfather automatically changes his character. It changes his agency, his motives, his personality. He will not be the Larry we know from the musical or the book no matter how close they write him because now he just the stepfather. Just as the characters from Be More Chill were changed from the book to the musical, their motives, personalities, identities, looks, and so much more changed with them. Changing one important aspect of the character changes the whole character even if they share the same name.

Overall, this entire cast feels thrown together. All of these actors have differing background and catalogs of work. While it is important to break from typecasting and to branch out with actors and actor dynamics, this lineup feels like a hastily thrown together mix of A-Listers, It-Girls, TV actors, comedians, Broadway stars. You have a modern day Hollywood starlet, a cop show veteran, two recently popular It-Girls, a comedian, an understudy, and a Broadway household name all put together in a Hollywood musical.

The entire thing feels like it’s trying to be more of a teen “Coming of Age” blockbuster rather than a show about mental illness that is heartbreaking, both down to earth and anxiety inducing, and incredibly complex in nature.

I wish the casting directors and producers would have expanded their talent search and rather compiled this project with a softer and more under the radar approach, focusing on revising the story rather than changing it, casting upcoming and not yet established young actors, and not trying to push this seeming narrative of appealing to mainstream and “Academy” audiences.

Giving Dear Evan Hansen an extreme Hollywood A-List makeover only seems to take away from the rawness and the realness of the story.

So, think about it.

Are they going to do what is best for the story, or are they just cashing in on big names and pandering to mainstream audiences who just want another quirky teen movie?

Of Carrots and Cats

Whumptober No. 16 and Alt. 9

A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day - Hallucinations

Memory Loss

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Characters: Janus Sanders (Sympathetic)

Summary:  After being forgotten and locked away in his empty room for longer than he can remember, Janus has begun to lose his grip on reality. He's also quite hungry.

...You could say he doesn't carrot-all what he gets to eat as long as it's food.

Word Count: 1.3k

Warnings: Blood, starvation, self harm, implied abuse, triggered arachnophobia

Note: This takes place in my What a Nightmare! AU. (@what-a-nightmare-ts-au) However, it makes no real reference to the main plot to avoid spoilers (since I still have yet to. y’know. tell it.), so it could also be a standalone fic. 

--

Something orange flashed across Janus's vision. Taken off guard, Janus furrowed his brow in confusion. 

Orange? Since when was anything orange in his room? 

He turned his head in the direction the thing went, and his eyes widened at the sight before him. 

A carrot.

His chest swelled with elation -- or maybe that was hunger. Either way, he couldn't care less what Thomas, and him by extension, thought of carrots. It was food. And it was right there. 

As he reached toward it, it started to run off, much to his dismay. "Nnh, nh, no, no, no, stop, come back! Please!" It halted and turned to him at the entrance of its hidey-hole in the wall. (What Janus wouldn't give to be that carrot. The lucky bastard could have a hiding place but not him? Unfair.) 

He shook his head and focused on the sheer delight that it was listening to him, then began whispering gently. "Please come back. You're okay. Come on." The carrot didn't move. Wasn't there a sound people made for animals to come to them? He forgot which animals exactly, but there was something, he knew that much.

He absentmindedly clicked his tongue in thought, and realized that it sounded familiar in this context. He clicked his tongue a few more times. The carrot took a few more steps closer. Grinning from ear to ear, he stifled a gleeful giggle. "There you go, bud. That's it. Just a lll... lihh...." 

He paused. What was the word again? It felt like it should be easy to remember. Why was he having so much trouble remembering things lately? He was losing track of relative time more and more often. He was forgetting words, simple and complicated ones alike. He was always forgetting his train of thought (not that it was ever important, of course). A while ago, he-- no, it was more recent than "a while," wasn't it? How recent? Was it today, yesterday, a few days ago? How long even was a day these days? Huh. Day was a weird word. It was pronounced like there were two vowel sounds, even though it was treated like it had one. Deh-ee. Dee. Deceit. God, how he hated that word; just the thought of it made him shudder. If only he could forget--

Oh, right, forgetting things. He was thinking about that for some reason. When was he doing that? It must have been a few hours ago. Or a few minutes? Which one was longer, again? He hadn't thought about it in a few years-- weeks-- months-- decades? He couldn't tell you. He didn't exactly have a calendar available to him. But it didn't really matter anyway, did it? After all, time was meaningless in the face of eternity.

As he lay his head down in exhaustion, he spotted something orange out of the corner of his eye.

Orange? Since when was anything orange in his room?

He strained his neck to get a better look without exerting himself too much, and was elated by the sight before him.

A carrot!

Food!!

His eyes widened in excitement. Who cared how gross carrots were? At this point, he'd take anything he could get.

He forced himself vaguely upright once more, preparing to drag himself toward it, and he could almost feel his heart split in two when it ran inside its hidey-hole in the wall. (What Janus wouldn't give to be that carrot. The lucky bastard could have a hiding place but not him? Unfair.)

Knowing all too well he'd never be allowed to reach the wall, he decided to try and coax the carrot out to him instead. Maybe it was like a cat! They had the same letters, after all. Right? Probably. They sounded similar at the very least. He realized he couldn't remember the last time he saw the two written down. Or anything written down, really. When was the last time he read a book? When was--

He noticed a bit of orange peek out of a hole in the wall. Right, the cat! Wait, that was too small for a cat. Unless it was a kitten. Ooh, that sounded closer to the word he was using before, though he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was. There must have been two syllables for sure. What was orange with two syllables and a "cuh" sound at the beginning?

Coral.

Construction.

Traffic cone.

Kayak.

Cantaloupe.

Cantaloupe sounded delicious right about now. Anything did, if he was being honest (like he was supposed to be). Even carrots would be--

Carrot!

Relieved to see that it was still there, he clicked his tongue a few times to coax it out of its hidey-hole. (What Janus wouldn't give to be that carrot. The lucky bastard could have a hiding place but not him? Unfair.) 

"Tut, tut, tut, tut, come on out little guy! You're okay!" he whispered. The carrot took a few tentative steps toward him, and Janus was nearly overwhelmed by sheer delight. It was listening to him! Janus couldn't remember the last time something listened to him. "There you go, bud. That's it. Just a little bit cl... c.... more.. here? Nearer!" He mentally congratulated himself for remembering the exact word so quickly. "Come on. You can do it. Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut..."

As agonising a wait as it was, Janus made sure the carrot was a mere few inches away from him before he pounced. To his amazement, it only took one try to snatch it up! Tears of joy began to well in his eyes as he laughed triumphantly.

He did something right!

He succeeded!!

Janus held it closely to his chest for a few moments, savoring this rare victory, before carefully opening his hands a teeny tiny bit to peer inside. His heart dropped when he saw that the carrot was gone. In its place was something black that was rather unpleasantly squirming around. He opened his hands more to get a better look, and noticed first that it was not, in fact, one thing. It was many things. He noticed second exactly what things they were, and had only a moment to register the information before they began escaping his grasp. 

He screamed in horror as countless spiders crawled up his arms, down his neck and back, in his hair, through his wounds and into his veins, through his mouth and into his lungs and stomach, through his ears and into his brain. They were biting him, poisoning him, choking him, eating him alive from the inside out and the outside in. They were everywhere. 

The welled up tears of joy now fell as tears of anguish. He clawed at his skin to tear them out, but every spider he removed revealed two more in its place, and they seemed more than happy to infest the newly-created wounds as well. He yanked his hair to pull them out of his head, but only succeeded in transferring more from his hands. He hit his head against the floor to knock them back out of his ears, but they only latched more tightly onto his brain. He began hacking violently to clear them from his lungs, but every inhale between coughs drew more in. 

There was nothing he could do. He was helpless. As usual. 

Couldn't he just have one success? He knew he didn't deserve it, of course, but still, not even one?

It didn't take long for him to lose the little energy he'd spent so long trying to stockpile. Trembling with fear and exhaustion, his breaths unsteady and faltering, he managed to curl into a ball, clutching his head with now golden, bloody hands as though he could somehow protect himself. 

What wishful thinking.

...Hopefully it didn’t count as a lie.