#interesting song because its not like. my genre. i feel like that applies to most of the music baisha jaws made for this show | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

barananduen · 1 month

Text

Art Advice: The Misconception Behind "Study Realism"

Most people who draw anime/cartoons have, while asking for ways to improve, at one point or another been told to "study realism." A common response to this is, "But I don't want to draw realism!"

But, did you know that the purpose behind this suggestion is NOT so that you draw realism? They're not suggesting you change to a more realistic style. What, then?

Let's look at this through an analogy:

Say you don't know music yet and decide you want to learn how to play the Happy Birthday song. You're not interested in playing anything else, just the HB song, and you haven't started learning anything related to music at this point. OK, that's fine, and now we have our situation set up. Once you've decided this, you set yourself to learning the sequence of notes to the HB song. You practice and practice, and, after a while, you can play it really well without a hitch. After a few years, it starts feeling bland to you, and you ask, "How can I make my HB song better?" And someone tells you, "Learn all the other music notes," and "Study classical and other genres of music." And you reply, "But I don't want to play that type of music; I want to play the HB song!" (And that's FINE! It's valid; it's what you want to do.[*Footnote 1]) But without having learned all the other notes and other types of music, you can't make a remix of the HB song, or an "epic version," or a hip-hop-fusion version; you've capped at the end of the first paragraph of this story.

So drawing anime or cartoons is like playing the HB song, or any one song in our example.

And here's where our misunderstanding comes in:

"Study Realism" DOES NOT MEAN "Draw Realism"

Yes, you'll have to draw it to study it (not only your brain, but also your hand needs to learn the skill), but it doesn't mean that's what all your artwork will look like. It is meant to give you more tools to make your anime and cartoon work stronger, more appealing, and more unique.

How will it do that? The more music notes you know, the more types of music you understand and can play, the more original a remix /version of the Happy Birthday song you'll be able to make - and it will be unique. Because you will be able to take all that diverse knowledge and apply it to your song, making it stand out, and the next time you play the HB song, people will go, "Wow! This is a really cool version!"

So now we can be clear: There is a difference between learning something and performing it. You can perform whatever you choose, but by learning all the things, your performance of your "Thing of Choice" will be stronger.

What, Exactly, Will Studying Realism Teach You, Then?

I. VALUES

If you learn how to paint/shade with a full range of values (by learning realistic shading) that properly depict both volume and lighting, you will have no trouble simplifying that to cel-shading or gradient-shading in your anime or cartoon drawings, because you will at once spot when something is undershaded or the shadows are in the wrong spot.

On the other hand, if you try to do cel- or gradient-shading first, you are way more likely to a) undershade, and b) have an inconsistent light source. And when these things happen, you won't be able to tell *why* your drawing looks "off" or bland.

II. COLOR

By studying realistic coloring, you'll be able to learn how color varies across an item (say, a shirt) that is a "solid color." Example: you're drawing a character with a pink t-shirt, standing in the sun, at the end of the school day. The t-shirt is solid pink, however, the colors on it will vary from orange-ish to purple-gray, with some areas almost a bright red (and that's not even considering items around the shirt that would bounce light back onto the shirt and change its color). But you'll only know this (and how to do it) if you study realistic coloring.

Then you can apply that knowledge to your stylized artwork and make it stand out more.

Painting of a stylized pear, where I studied real pears to understand their coloring and texture. See how studying realism can enhance your cartoon work.

III. MAKE BETTER STYLIZED ANATOMY

By studying and learning realistic anatomy, you will be able to make stylized art that, for example, doesn't have one arm longer than the other, because you will have learned how to measure proportions, even if you don't draw realistic proportions. So that if you decide you want to draw unrealistically long legs (eg: Sailor Moon), you'll be able to make them look good and keep them consistent.

You will also be able to draw figures in any position, because you will have learned how body parts are made up and how they move, as well as foreshortening/perspective. Then, when you go to draw a pose you haven't drawn before, it will be WAY easier.

IV. UNDERLYING SHAPES

Although this is one of the least-mentioned aspects of art-learning, it is, in my opinion, one of the most important, because when you learn to see underlying shapes (the quasi-geometrical shapes that build up a figure), coupled with learning how to measure a form using other parts of the same form as reference (measuring the length of one body part by the number of times another body part fits in it, as mentioned in Section III, above), you will be able to DRAW. (Period.) You won't be able to draw just people. Or just wolves. Or just cats. You will be able to break down a new subject into its building blocks and come up with a very reasonable likeness. And whatever's different, you'll easily be able to make relative measurements to spot why and fix it.

Once you learn to identify underlying shapes and how to measure proportions in anything, you will also be able to pick up and reproduce any existing style without much trouble.

[link to Tumblr post with this artwork]

For example, this was my first time drawing anything Peanuts. I didn't have to do practice sketches for it (though there's nothing wrong with doing that). But I knew, from realism, that to achieve a good likeness, you need to measure body parts relative to other body parts, so I looked at Schulz's drawings and was able to determine: OK, Charlie Brown's head is roughly this shape, his body is so many heads tall, his eyes are this % of the head, the ears are this far in, the arms reach down to here, etc. I knew what to look for.

V. FOR THOSE WHO WANT SEMI-REALISM

If you want to do "semi-realism," you'll have a way easier time of it by learning realism and then stripping it down as much as you like, than by starting off with "100% anime" and trying to build it up without knowledge of realism. People think the latter is easier, because it *seems* less intimidating, but it's like trying to drive to a store you've never been to without knowing its address: you'll be driving around forever trying to find it, and it will be frustrating. What people call "semi-realism" is stylized realism, and you can't really hit it without knowing how realism works.

CLOSING NOTES

It also doesn't mean you should stop drawing anime/cartoons and focus solely on realism for X amount of time - you can do both concurrently. In fact, the most fun way to study realism is to do so on your favorite subjects; you can even turn your reference into your favorite character!

Studying realism is also one of the best ways to help develop your OWN, unique style; one which, when people look at it, say, "Oh, that's [your name]'s work!"

[*]Footnote 1: It is fine as long as you are drawing for yourself. As soon as art is a job and you're drawing for an employer, you have to draw in the style they tell you to. So, in this case, it's to your advantage to be flexible.

I hope this was helpful and helps clear up a common misunderstanding people go through when receiving feedback. 💞

MORE ART ADVICE ARTICLES

You can find the index to all Art Advice Articles [here] including:

How to Deal with Art Block

How to Have a Positive Outlook

How to Develop Your Own Style (coming soon!)

etc.

#art advice #art tips #art help #art resources #art learning #artists on tumblr #art #how to #art tutorial #anime art #cartoon #semi realism

81 notes · View notes

jabberwockprince · 2 months

Note

i'm back! holds out hands. 🌠🎶and/or❓for chevon, perhaps?

hello again!!

ty for the questions, glad you like Chevon <3 as usual, im gonna go deranged rambling about this, so everything is put under the cut to avoid clogging everyone's dash

🌠: What is their Afflatus? Why are they associated with that Afflatus?

(I posted these profiles for all members in the spina venatores masterpost if anyone wants to check)

Chevon is a Star arcanist - this thread here (consider giving it a read, its very interesting! a few mutuals of mine wrote it!) talks about how Star arcanists either hide or show themselves to the world, but I like to think that their shared quality that makes them STAR arcanists instead of any other type of Afflatus is that dreamy-like vibe they have going on

They're all characters who have their eyes set on really big goals, who can easily be described as peculiar or quirky because they don't seem quite "down to earth" - I just woke up so I don't know how to explain it in detail but!! They're dreamy-like but very strong in their convictions; Regulus' passion for music, living the life of a radio pirate which is a whole adventure on its own; Baby Blue's love for Wonderland, to the point where she rejects reality to live the life of her dreams; Matilda, who wants nothing more than to be the best, to the point where it literally looks like she's living in a different genre of game altogether than the rest of characters like Sonetto or Vertin...

Star arcanists, to me, are stars themselves - they burn bright and sometimes their fire may fade out, but there's no denying that they all lead extremely unique lives, that they all feel so very far away because of their convictions, morals or goals. There ARE aspects of concealing and hiding like the thread talks about, but I feel like that could be recontextualized better as a disconnect between their reality and their ideal way of life.

I'll probably regurgitate and rewrite this better in my writing blog, but characters like Blonney, Charlie and Voyager - there's that disconnect. Blonney, who pretended to be someone she's not in more ways than one but whose passion for horror was the indirect catalyst for the WHOLE event in 1.2. Charlie, who does NOT have the heart nor confidence for theatre, but who becomes an entirely different person on stage. Voyager, who is an actual fucking alien, the disconnect can't get any more literal with her.

So in the context of Chevon being a Star arcanist, I like to think that all of this applies!

His whole thing is that the disconnect between his body and his heart, the way he was born as and the way he feels like, are unbearable. He's one huge metaphor for being transgender, but his character focuses more on the dysmorphia rather than the dysphoria! The feeling of massive dissatisfaction with one's body, not due gender, but because none of it matches the idea in your head

This is a lot of word vomit to say that Chevon developed an arcanum that could allow him NOT to change his body and shapeshift like Veal does, BUT to transfer his consciousness into someone else's body. That's why his medium is "Rebirth".

He's a Star arcanist because he's fully convinced that there is a way to preserve life in a perfect state between life and death, as to never die and never truly live. He has this dreamy quality to him, like he knows something you don't but is very polite about it, a gentle and a little whimsical vibe that clearly tells you this guy is not to be trusted, but you'll take the risk anyway because of the allure and the softness he has. But that's only because of his appearance, the most recent body that he stole - because his personality is just as rotten as the rest of Spinas.

🎶: What’s a song you associate with them? (And why?)

SO FAR I ONLY HAVE... TWO PLAYLISTS, one for Venison and another for the general vibe of Spina Venatores - BUT. BUT. I know that the songs I'll assign to Chevon need to have this very specific vibe to them

One that comes to mind right away is "Flood on the Floor - Purity Ring" - it has that VIBE and the lyrics vaguely remind me of Chevon's dynamic with Necrologist, the one person who had to constantly "bury" him over and over as he perfected his body-hopping arcanum. I like to think that a LOT of the tombstones in her museum are from his many different, short-lived identities

❓: Free space! Make up any question you want, or just say a fun fact about them!

Ohh, I'd like to talk about Chevon's relationship with the other members of Spina Venatores but I think that would take. SO LONG. hmm. I'll settle for a fun fact then!

All members of Spina Venatores have ONE single detail that is never disclosed nor that they ever want to remember, which is essentially the root of their entire character - for Venison, it's their full birth name. For Mutton, is the first woman she loved and married. For Poultry, it's her roots and life as a human. For Veal, it's their original voice.

For Chevon, it's his original appearance - his "first life" so to speak, everything related to it. His gender, his skin color, his hair, his eyes, all of it is lost.

This single detail is something that all members have willingly discarded, forgot or avoid even thinking about to extreme measures, it's the root of their denial. It's also the one thing that each character related to them (Pavia for Venison, Schneider's sister for Mutton, Necrologist for Mutton, etc) knows.

When it comes to Chevon's original life and body, Necrologist is the last person alive who knows how he used to look. She was there when they took his lifeless body and she designed the tombstone for him herself. I like to think that she spend many, many months waiting to hear from his spirit, his last regrets and final wishes, but he never appeared - not sure how it goes from here, or how this affects their relationship in detail, but yeah! <3

#reverse 1999 #reverse 1999 oc #spina venatores

12 notes · View notes

trishluvzz · 8 months

Text

my tips on becoming that christian girl 💒💗

• read ur bible!! this gets you to have more of an understanding on what to do and what not to do, and also why doing these things are wrong. reading your bible is the most helpful thing u can do for yourself and one thing to make reading ur bible fun is ⬇️

• studying your bible. me personally, i like highlighting and tabbing things in key, e.g pink for things that resonate with me or that i find interesting, blue for things i shouldn’t do etc. i just use simple highlighters and annotating tabs that you can get from amazon or any WHSmith near u. i do write some things in there but only on a sticky note because i feel weird writing straight in my bible, don’t know why 😭. u can do this in a park, cafe or anywhere pretty 🫶🏾

• do these things with ur friends ! trust it makes things 10x more fun and it gets u motivated to do this if ur doing it with ur closest girlss (only if they’re christian ofc). this could b in a cafe, in a library, or in ur bedroom.

• praying consistently. getting closer to someone requires talking to them, so the same thing applies for Him! in the mornings and night, i find a protection prayer for the day/night ahead of me is vital but throughout the day u can literally talk to Him about anything, ask Him questions etc because if u seek an answer from Him, you will get one

• WWJD? sometimes you’ll b put in a tough situation, maybe a situation that makes u mad, a situation that makes u wanna scream and just completely lose it. in those situations, u gotta calm down and think, what would Jesus do? would he be proud of me if i just lost my temper or if i checked myself and walked away?

• listen to gospel!! gospel has already got sm genres of its own: quiet songs, joyful songs, r&b you can never run out ibsr.

that’s all i could think of for now, this is my first proper blog post, so i hope it turns out well!

god bless, nai xo

#christian #girly christian #pink #god #that christian girl #bibledaily #holy bible #girly girl #girly stuff #faith in jesus #jesuslovesyou #Spotify

22 notes · View notes

razieltwelve · 1 year

Text

You Can't Please Everybody

I think one of the biggest mistakes that a writer can make is trying to please everybody. This is especially true for genres like humour, fantasy, or science fiction where people can have very different ideas about what is good as well as very different ideas about what is or is not part of the genre. The important thing is to realise who you're writing for and to write accordingly.

Take hard science fiction. Not everybody enjoys the attention to detail and realism present in most hard science fiction. There are readers who enjoy science fiction for the futuristic vistas it presents and its application of seemingly miraculous technology. To those readers, the minutiae of how a faster-than-light drive could work are unnecessary. It's enough for them that such a thing exists. Likewise, these readers probably don't need an in-depth description about how laser weapons would work over large distances in space or how a deflector shield might operate. What they're interested in is getting to see all of those technologies in action.

This is not a bad thing.

People can read whatever they want and enjoy whatever stories they want. As a writer, however, you need to be careful about how you interpret criticism from people who dislike a story because it's not what they're looking for, as opposed to it being poorly written. You could write a story that every single hard science fiction fan loves... but which people outside of that group don't particularly like.

And that's okay.

That doesn't mean your story is bad. It simply means that it has a targeted audience. You could, of course, try to broaden the story's appeal by changing it, but you need to be very careful. Stories are usually written the way they are for a reason, so making drastic changes to them can go very badly. A hard science fiction story will have its plot and characters constrained by the scientific details involved. Relaxing those details or not covering them fully runs the risk of making the story incoherent or nonsensical. In trying to make the story more appealing to a broader audience, you run the risk of ruining it entirely.

A similar approach can be applied to humour.

Imagine you have a story that is built around dark humour. Now, dark humour is not everyone's cup of tea. There are going to be people who read a story like that and simply don't find it funny. You could change the humour to try to appeal to a broader audience, but again, you run a very real risk of gutting the story to do so. A story built around ridiculous humour or outlandish premises runs a similar risk.

This phenomena is also noticeable in fantasy.

I know people who have vowed never to read A Song of Ice and Fire because they don't like how dark the books can get and how it has a tendency to kill off beloved characters. They want to read more traditional heroic and optimistic fantasy. Conversely, I know people who prefer A Song of Ice and Fire precisely because of those things. Can you imagine if George R.R. Martin changed the story to try to appeal to everyone? Good grief. It would be a disaster.

As a writer, hearing that someone doesn't like your story never feels great. But you need to think about why they didn't like it. Was it poorly written? Were there serious problems in the way the characters and plot were constructed? Or was it simply not the kind of story the reader was looking for? Don't tie yourself up into knots if the reader was just looking for a different kind of story.

If you’re interested in my thoughts on writing and other topics, you can find those here.

I also write original fiction, which you can find on Amazon here or on Audible here. I’ve also just released a new story, Cosmic Delivery Boy!

Also, Cosmic Delivery Boy is now available on Audible! You can get it here.

#writing #writing tips #writing advice #writing technique #improving your writing

33 notes · View notes

kissdatbam · 1 year

Text

[TRANS] Harper’s BAZAAR MEN Thailand Spring 2023

translated by kissdatbam

Bazaar to talk with a hot guy “BamBam” Kunpimook Bhuwakul, a globally famous Thai artist, about his life and lifestyle that makes him an ideal guy to many people

Story by Chanin Faikhun

Harper's BAZAAR: The ideal guy BamBam – we heard that you love to do the chores very much

BB: Truthfully, I quite like things to be neat and clean krub. Whether they are my house, utensils, or things that I use in my daily life, I want them to be as clean as possible. I do house chores everyday, no exception at all krub. Even when I finished my schedule late at night, when I got back home, I would always do the house chores before I go to bath. I think it’s become my habit now.

HB: Why did you decide to adopt cats with health problems that were given to you, rather than buying new cats?

BB: Actually, it is not that critical to be called as health problem krub. One of my kid, his name is Latte – when he was young his skin condition was not as good as the others so his former owner was unable to handle it and ask me to raise him instead. As to the other kids, each of them also has their own story, not only the heath issue. As to the reason why I choose cats, actually, at my house in Thailand, my mom loves to raise dogs. However, I’m not a dog person. Dogs are hyperactive and need a lot of care. We need to take them for walks, and when we returned home, they would be happy and has a lot of energy which is higher than what I can take krub (LOL). I think that I do not like things with a lot of energy, so when I first met with a cat, I feel like it was destiny. At first, I did not adopt it immediately, I just take care of it for temporary. However, after a while, I really like and attach to it, so I decided to adopt him krub.

HB: What music genre is your style?

BB: Mostly I listen to the songs with beats krub. However, I do not like the song that is too fast. I like the song which has bpm (beats per minutes) around 180 which are the song that I can listen to it while chilling out or I may grooving on it krub.

HB: Which one is your most favorite tattoo? Does it has a specific meaning and what did you think of at that moment of tattooing it?

BB: Actually, I like them all krub. None of them gives me the feeling like – I should not have you. My most favorite should be this one (BB showing us his nape). These are the birthdays of my mom and my dad next to each other. I wish that they will always stay next to each other. I got these tattoos at home instead of at the shop. It was almost a year and a half when I was on hiatus. I had a meeting with the tattoo artist at my house, I did not plan to have a tattoo – just meeting for chilling dinner and playing some games. We talked about tattoo and he just mentioned that he had the tattoo equipment with him and if I’d like, he can apply tattoo to me. I happened to have the tattoo I want at that time, so the tattooing then happened at my house krub.

HB: Fans who haa a chance to watch “Bam House” in youtube channel noticed that you are interested in making the crafted beer and offering it to the guest at Bam House. What is the charm of crafted beer that makes you like it, and what type of beers is your style?

BB: Apart from beers, I do not like other drinks krub - be it wine, champagne, soju. I chose beer because it is not too strong and chilling. I am not a heavy drinker nor drink for drunk. I drink to have some relaxation before the end of the day. Like when you came home from work, when you opened the beer can, it gave you some relaxation. Still, I do not drink everyday for fearing that I will have a big belly krub.

The most charming point of beer in my view would be its gas – does people call it gas krub? You know, when you drink it, it will give you a refreshing feeling (doing the fizzing sound). Do you get it? (LOL). The first time I drink beer was when I turned 21. I was practicing a dance, it was a very tiring day – and then my dance teacher suggested to me that when I get back home, I should take a bath and then have a cold beer, so I tried it. After a bath, I took my most favorite and comfortable pajamas, I blew my hair for around 50% - I give you so much details (LOL) – and after that I was sitting with a chilling music and turn-off the light, then opened the beer can (doing the can opening sound) – it’s like I got an energy from the opening of the beer can, and when I drank it – I felt its fizziness down to my toes (LOL). It is a feeling that I never had before, even though I had lived for 21 years, so I like to drink beer ever since krub.

HB: When you are tired or discouraged, what gives your good motivation/encouragement?

BB: In the past, there were many things krub. At present, if I answer that it is my family, it will be just like in other interviews so let’s say that lately my encouragement comes from my current happiness krub. I have debuted for 9 years already, there were many dreams that have been come true, and some that I am still on my way to reach them. Other than that I think it is despite a case where though you are tired from our work, but then realized that we are in the life we used to dream of krub. My most important motivation is that I should try to cherish the thing I have, and it gives me a feeling like – to be able to stand at the place where I am now, I am explosively happy so I should not feel discouraged from a petty thing. If I stop doing my current work, I will have to go back and live the way I used to be. The feeling and idea that I should be happy with the things I currently have really lessen my stress and make me feel appreciated and thankful with the smallest things I have in my daily life krub.

HB: Does being a Thai in Korea give you any implication to a journey to your dream?

BB: Not at all krub. In the past, it might be, but for now, I think I get used to it. I lived in Thailand for 12 years, and then stayed in Korea for another 12 years – half to half actually so I get used to it. Moreover, now, many Thais become idols in Korea [I will give you the list below krub (LOL)] so I think Korean people are accepted Thai people more krub. There might be some cases where at first they do not get used to Thai people, but it has changed now. Also, Korean people like to visit Thailand for their vacations so it is like they are more accessing to /adapting to Thai customs, so it does not give any implication to me now krub.

HB: Will there be a chance for us to see BamBam in any new role like an actor?

BB: Oh! That will be hard krub (LOL). Actually, right now, after I started my solo career for 2 years, whether it is advertisement, music or other things, I want to show my music style to everyone first before I start other career path. Therefore, it will not happen soon krub (smile).

HB: Will you participate in activities or works in Thailand more?

BB: I think I visited Thailand a lot last year – every month, I think. For this year, I had already told some of my fans that I think many fans think that I visited Thailand too many that it might bores some people, so I think that after May this year, I will not return to Thailand until next year krub.

HB: We believe that Thai kids or kids elsewhere which have dream also looking at you as one of their idols, do you have anything to tell them?

BB: I think I may not be at the point where I can be deemed as their dream idol krub, but if I can give a suggestion, I would say if you have a dream to be this or that, you should try to imagine yourself in such position, and then imprinted it within your mind - and then one day your imagination will come true – just like doing some tricks to make things come true. For example, if you wish to stay in your dream home, try to imagine about it – it might take 5 years, or 10 years, but one day your imagination may come true – So I would like everyone that have a dream to try imagine about that moment and always keep it in your mind for your whole life krub.

PDF version: https://drive.google.com/file/d/10Qgm4T3_hIRaySROSin9BscAQzGOb6fz/view?usp=share_link Original article: Harper’s BAZAAR MEN Thailand 2023 Translated by kissdatbam may contain slight inaccuracies

#bambam #แบมแบม #뱀뱀 #kunpimook #got7 kunpimook #kunpimook bhuwakul #got7 #갓세븐 #bambam kunpimook #bambam1a

15 notes · View notes

bluntz420x · 7 months

Text

Is your birth year an odd or even number? Odd.

Which one of your friends is the most outgoing? hmm, probably the younger ones, lol.

Have you eaten any of your favourite foods today? i just woke up like an hour ago, so no, i havent eaten anything yet today.

When did you last find yourself in an awkward situation? if i paid attention to stuff like that, probably more often than i think.

What did you have for lunch yesterday? i think all i had was a bagel, before dinner.

In school, which subject(s) do/did you find the most difficult? applied maths, like statistics.

Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What’s his/her star sign? wow LOL, i have no idea. i joined facebook like 15 years ago.

Who did you last say “thank you” to? Why? probably kyle. he ran in the house two times to get stuff i forgot.

Name a band you like, that starts with the same letter as your surname. nothing is jumping out to me.

When was the last time you ignored, or went against, someone’s advice? ha, i think this is another one of those things where, if i paid attention, id know the answer.

What happened? lol see above, who knows.

How many different towns/cities have you lived in? ive never lived outside of the greater metropolitan area of the immediate city near me.

Who is the 10th contact in your phone? What’s his/her favourite food? LOL thats someone in my neighborhood. i dont know them personally at all.

When was the last time you felt your heart racing? last night.

Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? OF COURSE DUH lol.

How old were your parents when they met? when they met, i believe my mom was around 25 and my dad was around 30. could have been maybe 2 years before that, tops. they didnt date long before getting pregnant with my older brother.

When was the last time you had Nutella? a few months ago. i binged it and got tired of it.

Who is your favourite character in “The Simpsons”? lisa, hands down.

How about “The Big Bang Theory”? i dont like that show. its never been that funny to me.

What are your parents’ middle names? this is a security question if ive ever seen it, lol.

Who is the 2nd contact in your phone? What colour are his/her eyes? i just saw him the other night and i have no idea, LOL. dude is high af whenever we hang out so XD

Name someone with a sexy sounding voice. my husband.

What genre(s) of music did you listen to 10 years ago? same stuff really. ive had eclectic taste my entire life.

Are your eyes the same colour as your sibling’s? yes, just different shades. my brother has the lightest eyes, my sister is the darkest, and that leaves me in the middle lol.

How many pets do you have? Would you like any more? i have 3 cats and 1 dog. i definitely want more, when we move into a larger space with a yard. i think max cats in a house will be 4 probably, max dogs will be 2.

Do you prefer still or sparkling drinks? still. i cannot stand carbonation.

Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm? not really. i love reggae lately.

What colour are the eyes of the person you have feelings for? my husbands eyes are blue.

Is there a song that you’re fed up of hearing? no lol.

Did you have a strange or interesting dream last night? i cant remember my dream from last night. i think it was all right. i didnt wake up uneasy lol.

Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? hm, if yes, it happened so long ago i cant remember lol, sorry.

Name 3 things that are in your refrigerator atm. milk, creamer, butter.

If your Facebook status doesn’t get any likes/comments, does it bother you? no. if i post, i post because i want to, not because im looking for attention.

Which friend do you confide in most? kyle mostly, then lizzy second.

What does your 6th text message say? pfft who knows, modern texting isnt like that.

What was your most recent reason for smiling? :) probably kyle lol. its usually kyle.

Do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings? not really. i have worked very hard to get decent at that.

Have you ever watched a Sons of Anarchy? nope.

Do you want to see The Woman In Black? i would, i guess. i like daniel radcliffe. it just looked too scary at the time.

Has a random guy ever asked you for your phone number? i dont think so.

Has a guy ever pulled over to ask for your number or call you hot? LOL no, the opposite actually, ive been heckled.

How attracted are you to the last person that kissed you? quite!

Name something that you are doing tonight. putting off actual work lol.

Are you a jealous person? uh, i mean i have the capacity to be jealous, but i dont think id be described as a jealous person.

Do you like February? not really. its the shortest month of the year, but because its at the end of winter, it feels like the longest month of the year.

Where have you lived throughout your life? just around the current area.

Have you ever known a white supremacist? probably. im pretty outspoken tho so i doubt a supremacist of any variety would tell me that they are.

What were you doing an hour ago? ugh, sitting in this same spot at my desk, feeling less lost i suppose lol.

In regards to who do you think ‘what if?’? Link XD "what if he was real" no other what ifs anymore.

Do you like the smell of a barbecue? fuck yes.

Do you get excited when you find Sanrio products at Wal-Mart? no.

Are you 420 friendly? absolutely!

Do you own a Champion’s sport bra? champions? like champion brand? no.

Do you watch Justified? nope.

How many cups of tea of coffee do you have in a day? 1-2. i drink half caff usually though.

Do you own a varsity jacket? no.

Dolce Vita or Jeffrey Campbell? who?

Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum? oof… ryan gosling. hes more my type.

Has anyone ever called you apathetic or unemotional? LOL yes, both. a therapist before, actually.

Would you rather someone you loved passionately hate you or be indifferent to you? hate me! then i have a goal to make the feeling mutual.

Have you read Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre? no, but i want to.

I bet you miss somebody right now? duh!

What are you planning on doing after this? work. snooze.

How much money do you spend in a month on clothes or accessories? barely anything. i dont like shopping like that anymore.

What was the last clothing item you wore that doesn’t belong to you? i wear kyles shirts and pants sometimes, but his stuff is my stuff LOL, so… good question.

Do you watch Jersey Shore? no.

Do you have a thing with someone? yes, my husband.

Do you have any bruises on either of your legs? i found a mystery bruise on sunday, but that happens lol.

Who was the last person to touch your stomach? kyle.

Something tragic just happened. Does your facial expression show it? most likely. im not good at hiding stuff, at least to people who know my face well enough. to those that dont, i tend to show RBF apparently.

Who is the cleverest (crafty) person you know? i really dont know. i dont like crafts, or craft people lol, so i cant think of anyone in my life like that rn.

Do you think people who know a lot of facts are really smart? no. i think most folks know enough facts to be impressive.

Welcome! And you are? your mom.

When you buy/recieve new clothes, do you instantly wear them or wash first? wash!

Do you hate using public restrooms? idk about hate. its necessary sometimes.

What’s the weirdest item you’ve seen for sale on Ebay? pft i saw a meme of a walking stick that was a bull's penis, iirc.

Do you check to make sure there’s TP before using the restroom? ha! i wish.

Do you drunk dial/text? i used to, as if it was a pastime.

Why are mall Santas always portrayed as drunken, depressed old men? search me.

Have you ever built a massive snow fort? i dont think so?

What household chore do you loathe? i dislike dishes, theyre usually gross because the boy doesnt rinse his dishes properly before putting them in the sink.

Are parents to blame for what their kids do on the Internet? nope! only if the parents allow unrestricted access to their children, then yes. its like kicking your kid outside in the general public to fend for themselves. what do you think theyre gonna do? children are mischievous by nature, dude.

Would you care to meet Tom, the creator of MySpace? not really. i dont care lol.

Have you ever looked at a person and thought they looked like an animal? omg yes! i love telling my loved ones what kind of animals other people look like sometimes lol.

Do you use acronyms to remember things? yes.

Do you take pills like Tylenol for the littlest aches and pains? no. i dont like increasing tolerance to pain meds needlessly.

What would you do for a Klondike bar? i wouldnt.

Don’t you think Crocs are ugly? yes, i do think they are ugly. and disgusting. if i see someone wearning crocks period, i know their feet are rank as fuck. i dont care if youre wearing socks, those are fucking PLASTIC shoes.

When was the last time you went rollerskating? a couple years ago.

What trend do you hate right now? i never like trends.

Do you really follow trends, or just wear what you like? i wear what i want to wear.

How many times do you think you go out to eat each month? too many times! too much fast food!

Do you call people “dude” a lot? yeah lol, i call everyone dude.

Who was your favorite Ninja Turtle? mikie was my favorite growing up because hes so food focused and funny. anymore, donatello, because purple is dope and hes the smarest guy.

Horror flicks make you: laugh, scream, or squirm? all of the above!

If you could become a doctor, what would you specialize in? psychology.

What’s the cutest thing a little kid has ever said to/in front of you? thats a good question. kids say the darnest things.

At what age do you plan on moving out? i moved out over 10 years ago lol.

Did any characters from TV shows scare you as a kid? Which one(s)? yes. the crypt keeper from tales from the crypt namely. the ventriloquist doll from peewee's playhouse.

What’s the saddest thing you’ve heard on the news recently? the news is always sad lol.

Do you believe that acupuncture works? i think that if someone believes it works and they get it done and they feel better after, it worked. like most things, i think faith is required.

Have you ever been hypnotised? nope, but id like to try.

If you got expelled from school, would you continue your education? LOL sure.

How long does it take before you trust a person? good question. im hard of trusting these days.

Do you ever wish you had Jedi powers? duh lol. i wish i had anything superhuman.

Will we ever get to see Jack’s face (guy from Jack-in-Box commercials)? i dont care.

Would you kick it with Jay and Silent Bob? YES DUH.

Say…would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? sure.

Would a wax museum scare you or amuse you? SCARE. even pictures of wax figures creep me out.

What’s the first food you can smell when you enter the mall? its been a long time lol, i doubt i know anymore.

Have you ever made a time capsule? What did you put in it? i never have.

What would you do if your mom or dad read your diary/journal/blog? this has happened before lol. they took me to the hospital and i got held for 2 nights, mandatory for any check in, even tho the doctor told me that night that i was fine. idiot parents lol. dont read your kid's shit and NOT talk to them later. what the fuck.

Do you turn the music up when a good song comes on? DUH.

Do you know anyone with a lisp? probably.

Do you hate going to the doctor? no.

Why did the dish run away with the spoon? Why not the fork or knife? i dont care.

What is the worst hurt you’ve ever experienced? good question. in recent memory, when i was under so much stress and trauma that my body locked up and i had to go to physical therapy at the ripe age of 32 because my back made me cry almost daily.

Do you wish time went faster or slower? slower dude.

Do you write thank-you notes? for what? lol. i dont throw parties, i dont hold milestone events, none of that.

If you were to break a Guinness Record, which one would you try and beat? im just not interested. never have been.

Are you distracted by shiny objects? i mean, probably, i am an animal. but not for long.

What’s the coolest item in your room? HA! cool. probably my bed.

Are you grateful for what you have? i practice gratitude every day. im lucky it comes naturally.

Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? who cares.

Are you scared of clowns? uh, they make me uncomfortable, but idk if im scared…

Are you accident-prone? isnt everyone? nah, not more than anyoneelse.

As a kid, what was your favorite activity on the playground? shoot, just kicking it with the homies.

Are huge muscles gross or sexy? not my thing.

Have you ever fished and caught something weird? never fished in my life.

Your final thoughts…? ugh, why didnt more time pass?

#survey

0 notes

rewritesuccess · 2 years

Text

Your musical theme

For this assignment, I chose the theme of uplifting/motivation . I chose this theme because many people have times where a song could lift them up even when they feel down. I like to think we all have at least one song we listen to that can make our days feel brighter. So the songs I chose were either some of my personal favorites or just songs that have a message in its lyrics that can resonate with what you feel at times. Some of these songs were also chosen based on the tone,sound, etc. The first musical genre is

Classical/tradition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnK3kh8ZEgA

Mozart-Symphony NO.41 in C Major . 551 “Jupiter”

I chose Mozart not only because he is a musical legend, but also because his symphonies are incredible. Mozart's tempo in this piece is both fast and slow as he transitions from one sound to another. When I first heard it, I felt upbeat because the symphony was well-crafted and well-harmonized with every instrument. I felt lighter and happier after listening to Symphony No.41 in C Major. 551 "Jupiter," and I was able to groove to the piece.

Rock:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx2u5uUu3DE

Bon Jovi-Its my life

This song does not require much introduction because it is one that many people have heard at some point in their lives. The reason for selecting this song is because of its rhythm and message.It's basically saying that you own your life and that no one can tell you what you can or cannot do with it. This is my interpretation of Jovi’s song because in multiple instances he says”

“I ain't gonna live forever”

“I just want to live while I'm alive”

So I think we should all take in the message of the song and live life how you want and live it too the fullest because in the end as Bon Jovi said:

“Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake”

“Luck ain't even lucky, got to make your own breaks”

Jazz:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qiz-i8flMEw

Dr. SaxLove-Spooky

Jazz was difficult to associate with this theme because jazz is known to be more slow and sorrowful. So, unlike the previous genres, I had to concentrate on being a hearer rather than a listener. It was difficult to find a suitable jazz piece that I liked in terms of what it could present in the song. Nonetheless I really enjoyed listening to this song and it made me feel relaxed and calm.

Hiphop/rap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqLdhcPu5vk

Big sean-One man can change the world

This song can be applied to anyone who wants to take on the world. Since its release this has always been one of my top favorite songs by big sean. So not only is it catchy but it also is a interesting song that I think everyone should give a listen to because there are a ton of melodic lines that gives you what this theme is about.

Country: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wzruh76X5a0

Tim Mcgraw-Live like your dying

I felt like this was a little difficult for me because I don't really listen to country music, so I spent at least half an hour trying to find a song, but Tim McGraw's Live Like You're Dying was the best fit out of the country songs that I could find. For this, I became a listener because there is a heartfelt connection in the lyrics about what it's like to have regret and what if you could go back in time and live the life you wanted. So when reading the lyrics and listening to the tone that Tim Mcgraw portrays in the song it gave me motivation to live the life I want.

Folk:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuOUOd5Q3Mo

Caden’s Hill’s- Livin it up

So I chose Indie Folk for this genre because most of the time, if you listen to songs in this subgenre, they are positive. So, after searching through countless playlists on YouTube, I settled on this small band called Caden's Hills. Their song "livin it up" is somewhat motivating because it corresponds to the theme that I chose. When you listen to this song, you will notice that it changes tempo at times and has a very nice consonance throughout.

Blues:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_2FrmeV_Yg

Blues Delight-If I had money

So, similar to jazz, I had difficulty finding uplifting music in this genre, but after much searching, I settled on Blues Delight-If I Had Money. Unlike the jazz genre, I found music with an artist singing, so I was able to identify this song based on the lyrics. Blues Delight breaks down the song in multiple ways. So, like Blues delight, we have all considered what it would be like to have enough money and what we would do with it, and by listening to the lyrics of this song, we can gain an understanding of what the artist is attempting to convey.

Electronic:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtF6Jej8yb4

Avicii- The Nights

For this category, I went with EDM and chose Avichii because his song "The Nights" is one of my favorites. What I like about this song is that it is a masterpiece in and of itself. Overall, the song has a great tempo change, contrast, and dynamic from beginning to end.

0 notes

arrogantsonofabiscuit · 3 years

Text

Is it him or her?

Summary:- 10 question interview with Sakusa and his s/o

A/n:- I saw this video on Instagram and the first person who came to my mind was Omi 🥺🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Genre:- fluff and mentions of pet names

"Are you ready for the interview?" Sakusa asks as he approaches your shared bedroom.

"Yeah almost done!" You reply as you tie your hair up into a messy bun. "You still haven't mentioned what is the interview about? Is it about how I became your manager or how do I handle so many guys?" you laugh and look at the door. "Neither" He replies in a monotonous note.

"Huh? Neither?" you question as he plops down on the bed next to the dresser. "Its about our relationship."

"Ohh , I did not think about that” you reply as you apply lipgloss.

"I have set up the laptop in our living room and they would call us soon. They will send us a link for joining the meeting , our interview" he takes your hand and leads you downstairs to the brightly lit living room.

You sit right next to each other on the couch and join the meeting, you look around and smile looking at the preparations your Boyfriend did for the interview. "Are you nervous? "you ask him because the room felt extra clean and well lit that could only mean that he was nervous. "No", he replies. "You are aren't you?" you tease him and that is when the people taking the interview appear on the screen.

"Good morning Sakusa-san and (Y/n)-san, I hope we did not take too much time!" the interviewer lady replies as she beams a bright smile.

"Good morning Rekko-san and no we are glad that you are taking our interview” Sakusa replies as he shifts closer to you since he did not appear in the screen frame.(is that the only reason? Omi-kun?)

"Okay so this segment we conduct is called Is it him or her?"Are guys ready? "Rekko-san asks as she replies with a small giggle.

"Yes !"you reply excitedly and almost jump from your seat.

"The basic guideline for the following segment is :-

1)We have selected the top most voted questions , the fans have selected those questions ,

2)You guys have to point at each other or at yourselves if you feel like thats what you do or he/she does,

3) There are about 10 questions and we hope you enjoy this segment!" Rekko-san explains and starts with the intro song.

First question :- "Who was the first one to confess?"

You and Kiyoomi look at each other and reply by pointing finger towards yourself.

"So it was You..... (Y/n)-san , could you enlighten us?"

"I was his classmate and I was always interested in Volleyball , turns out his Cousin was my childhood friend. So I used to always hang out with his brother and then we came close somehow!" you giggle as you look at Kiyoomi who observes you and his lips curve into a small smile.

Second question :- "Who over thinks everything?"

You point your finger towards yourself and Kiyoomi points his finger towards you.

"Fair enough " Rekko-san replies and proceeds with the questions

Third question:- "Who likes to keep your house orderly? Like its clean and tidy. "

"I guess everybody pretty much knows who is it gonna be !"you reply giggling and point out your finger towards Sakusa who already pointed his finger towards himself quickly catching up the question.

“That was fast Sakusa-san " Rekko-san replies wide eyed at the response time Sakusa took.

Fourth question :- "Who showers less?"

"Ew, can we say neither? Because I always make sure y/n stays clean and tidy and doesn't fall sick."Sakusa replies with disgust listening to the question as if the question was some sort of germ. You laugh and try to calm Sakusa down because he was disgusted.

"Sure!"

Fifth question :-"Who is the cutest?"

You point your finger towards your curly-haired boyfriend and he points his finger towards you. "Omi, you are cute so its obvious I will point my finger towards you," you reply as you try to lower down his finger and point it towards himself.

"From my POV its not debatable, its a straight fact so I won't lower down my finger" He replies bluntly and looks towards the laptop screen.

"(⊙_⊙)" your expression remained the same and the next question was asked.

Sixth question :-"Who eats a lot?"

Sakusa points his finger towards you and you follow suit.

Seventh question :-"Who has a nice butt?"

“Whoa that's a hard question! He is so damn fit , hot , handsome and so strong and that bu-" you were cut off as Sakusa clears his throat and looks at you with an unamused expression .

"So the answer is both of you believe that you guys have nicer butts okay~" Rekko-san winks at the camera and proceeds further.

Eighth question :-"Who is more possessive?"

As soon as the question was asked you already pointed your finger towards Kiyoomi who looks at you with a shocked expression."Huh? Possessive? I am possessive y/n?" he asks you with curiosity.

"Y/n-san I guess we all deserve an explanation to the accusation you just made!"

"Omi you can't just be shocked , when I was first asked to be their manager Omi said no , he told me not to join. Let me tell you it was hard NO. I said that it would be great experience for me and I would be close to him.NO. After a huge argument when we were about to sleep he told me the real reason" you looked at him and he does not make any eye contact with you.

"Omi?" you ask Sakusa for his approval he nods his head. "According to him , I would attract a lot of germs and some big pests (pests being Atsumu and Bokuto).But I got to know from Komori that he didn't like the way I interact with them and how they always hug me in excitement. Wasn't that the reason Omi?" you tease him and he avoids eye contact with you.

“That is so cute , you guys are so adorable "Rekko-san replies as she smiles at you guys.

Ninth question :-"Who is a better driver?"

You point your finger towards Kiyoomi and he follows suit.

Tenth question :-"Who curses more?"

You smile as soon as you hear the question and without any doubt you point your finger towards yourself, Sakusa scoffs and points his finger towards you.

Bonus question and the last question of this segment :-"who misses each other a lot , when your s/o has left the house for more than a week?"

You look at each other and don't break eye contact and reply by pointing your fingers at each other.

"There is no denying that we miss each other and almost everybody on his team knows, I-uh recently got to know that he carries my clothes with himself to sleep well for his matches so that he performs well" you blush as you recall Atsumu sending you Sakusa's image hugging the pillow tightly to his chest with your favourite hoodie on top of it.

"She always calls me after practise wearing my old high school jersey so that she doesn't feel lonely without me" Sakusa replies bluntly and straightens up his posture so that his face would be out of the frame since he was embarrassed talking about this. "Sakusa-san we can't see your face."

You smile at him and place a chaste kiss on his cheek. Sakusa was caught off guard and he cleared his throat to let go off the tension created in the living room.

"You guys are definitely adorable and are couple goals , we hope to see you guys cherish more in your relationship and let it grow old with you. Thank you for joining us on Is it him or her?. See you guys soon with a new couple interview. Signing off! Stay safe!" like that the interview ended and you guys prepare some lunch.

"We both know we can't cook, so what are you gonna do?"Kiyoomi asks as he rests his head on his arm on the kitchen countertop.

"Who said I am cooking? I don't wanna burn down our house! I am ordering from Onigiri Miya , what do you wanna eat?" you ask him as you dial the home delivery number of Onigiri miya.

"Whatever you are having ."He smiles at you and waits for you to cuddle him while watching a sappy movie with you.

Maybe the definition of happiness for him was you and obviously how can I forget VOLLEYBALL!(Should I add Wakatoshi-kun ? lol )

Thank you for reading. Take care<3

Reblogs are highly appreciated <33

168 notes · View notes

d-criss-news · 3 years

Text

Nine Songs: Darren Criss

When Disney, Phantom Planet and Mr Hudson collide: Glee star, Emmy and Golden Globe winner and musician Darren Criss talks Andrew Wright through the pivotal songs in his life and the unexpected ways they found him.

“When we are younger, our gateway drugs to a lot of popular things don’t come from the sexiest of places. It’s up to you how proactive you want to be with your curiosity from there, and how far down the rabbit hole you want to go, if you go down at all.”

Choosing the songs that define you is a tricky business to say the least, especially when the power of song has provided an ongoing soundtrack to your life. “When you’re as avid a music consumer as musical artists are, trying to pin down Nine Songs is difficult,” Darren Criss laughs. So much so, his final choices only really crystallise as our conversation draws to its close. “It’s hard for me not to see the value and joy in literally everything,” he explains. “The curse of the creative person is that your ideas and your interests always move way faster than your body can execute.”

Criss is a creative par excellence. As well as his Emmy and Golden Globe winning performance in The Assassination of Gianni Versace, where he played serial killer Andrew Cunanan, to his upcoming role in Muppets Haunted Mansion Halloween special as The Caretaker, he’s also a prolific musician. Criss enjoyed a decadent musical consumption since childhood, so “this was a bit of an archaeological dig,” he admits. As such, everything from jazz standards, to 808s, punk rock, ‘90s teen pop, and musical numbers are excavated in the course of our extemporaneous journey through the music he loves.

Equally on his mind is how to go about approaching the task of creating his Nine Songs, full stop. “The interesting social experiment is: Are my answers going to be songs that actually shaped my life and were formative to me as an artist? Are they songs that were formative to me as a human being? Or am I picking songs that I think represent who I am to people that do not know me? All three of those things aren’t necessarily the same thing.”

He reaches a conclusion of sorts. “For the purposes of making some kind of decision, I’m gonna lean less into trying to look cool to your very cool readership, and more into the literal, ‘What made me think about music in a different way? And hit me in a very emotional way?’ I think that’s probably the healthiest route.”

Embracing the accessibility that characterises Criss’ picks - or at times the initial touchpoints that led him to them - are something he vacillates over during our chat. “I’ve seen a lot of other people’s Nine Songs and they’re super cool. It’s like Leonard Cohen B-sides and old opera records and stuff. I’m gonna be pretty honest with the pop culture zeitgeist of how I grew up but explain why there is so much value in those moments.” His contemplation continues into the next day, Criss’s publicist passes on his regrets at being tentative to admit how he encountered one of his song choices via the Shrek soundtrack.

A yearning to reinterpret accessibility and the value attached to it drives Criss, however. He tells me that a festival performance that applied the anarchic verve of punk rock to a more refined Great American Songbook number remoulded his perception of music entirely. His love of the fusion of these two genres in particular symbolises the salient musical backdrops of his childhood - the guitar bands he played in with friends, and his musical theatre endeavours that led him to Broadway and multiple Ryan Murphy juggernauts, including his breakthrough playing Blaine Anderson in Glee.

Criss employs these contrasting musical lexicons, and other areas in between, on Masquerade, his new EP. Comprising five stand-alone “character-driven” singles, it sees Criss donning different musical personas. “I’m leaning into people that might know me as an actor,” he explains. “Because if actors can do Shakespeare, romantic comedy, and then do a horror movie and wear a prosthetic nose and a wig, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just do that with music.” The song “walk of shame” draws on jazz-standard chords interlaced with hip-hop production, “i can’t dance” looks to new-wave, and “for a night like this” is the product of Criss’ goal to create the ultimate end-of-the-night crowd-pleaser for a new-year bash, wedding or bar mitzvah. “This is all of the parts of me as a lifelong fan of these genres, trying my hand at servicing the pieces of them that I love.”

“I really love all styles of music and understanding what makes them unique and special and what makes them really pop. There are so many things that really make things sing - for lack of a better verb - and I like acknowledging those things and celebrating those things.”

“So, let’s begin. I have runners up and shit, and I have artists, I don’t just have the songs, so we might have to pick them as we go.”

youtube

“Part of Your World” by Jodi Benson

“When people read this, they’ll go ‘That’s cute, he likes Disney songs’, but it’s more profound than that. Some of the most formative pieces of music to hit me at a very early age would have been any of the songs that were coming from ‘The Disney renaissance.’ The early-mid ‘90s explosion of The Little Mermaid, Aladdin and Beauty and The Beast.

"One of the through lines between the three of those musicals was Howard Ashman, who is one of my all-time heroes. Dramaturg, songwriter - he really was the voice behind what made those songs great. I have always loved Howard’s lyrical sensibility and also Alan Menken, his partner who wrote these songs with him. There was a musical structure to a lot of the songs which I would unconsciously pick up in my own songwriting, not just musically, but the idea that not only did somebody make these songs, but they wrote them for a story.

“There’s a clip of Howard Ashman vocal directing Jodi Benson, who was the original voice of Ariel. It’s a wonderful example of his genius, where not only was he songwriting but he was storytelling in the way he would tell her how to perform it, and you can really see the song coming to life in that clip. That’s when you cross the street from ‘It’s a song’ to ‘This is an experience.’

"There are certain ingredients that are required to elevate music that goes beyond just a nice melody, a beautiful orchestration and a good voice. There are things that are required to really give a performance a characterisation, context and a vulnerability, that he architects in real-time with Jodi Benson. You see that what he’s doing is what makes the record so special, and that’s something that’s always been inspiring to me.”

youtube

“MMMBop” by Hanson

“I think my love of Hanson was because some people didn’t like it, so I was like ‘Fuck you, I like this, how do you feel about it?’ But this is difficult for me, because you know, I’m speaking to The Line of Best Fit and we’re trying to be cool! Although, do you know what’s cool? Being accessible! Writing a pop hit when you are 10 years old. Being in a band with your brothers and you’re all below the age of 15, you have a record contract where you are writing, producing and performing songs that are doing well.

“I was 10 years old when their first album Middle of Nowhere came out, and I remember reading somewhere that there were these kids that had a record. At the time, I was playing guitar and I was writing songs, but in my mind I was a kid, and that was it. I couldn’t be on the radio; you had to be a grown up to do this.

"This was the first time where I realised ‘Holy shit, kids can do stuff!’ It’s the value of seeing yourself in the media - that’s a whole other conversation to talk about - but there’s an immense value in feeling like there’s a piece of you out in the zeitgeist and doing well because it’s encouraging. You go, ‘Holy shit, maybe I can do this as well.'

“When you see children doing things, you’re ‘Wow, this is so cute and fabulous’, but then when you actually look at it you go, ‘This is miles above what most people in this age group are capable of,’ and that’s all I saw, because I was in the same age group and I was so inspired by that. This whole album was really a turning point for me, where I was like, ‘I can do this, I can do music too, because these guys can.'

youtube

“Ooh La La” by Faces

“This song really blew my mind. It became my own theme. It’s that ‘Make your heart sing’, nostalgic moment when you’re a teenager, driving in the car listening to it, playing guitar with your friends and you’re singing “I wish that I knew what I know now / When I was younger.” You’re like, ‘because I’m an adult now, I’m 15-years-old. If I only knew what I know now.’

“I was doing theatre from a young age and I was part of a young conservatory called A.C.T. in San Francisco. By way of somebody who knew somebody, I had an audition for a movie. As a kid not being near New York or Los Angeles it was really exciting, and this audition was for a film called ‘Max Fischer’, which would become the movie Rushmore, which would become one of my favourite movies of all time by the now very distinguished Wes Anderson.

“Separate from my own objective love of Wes Anderson, when this movie came out I was just around the age of getting into my own sort of identity with music, but also movies - indie movies - and trying to assert who I was. So, I see this movie Rushmore and I love it. I love the soundtrack, I love it so much, it’s one of my favourite albums ever. This song is the end sequence, and the way it made me feel - the vocals on it, I could play it on guitar and it was part of a cool movie - it really represented a lot in my life.

“And because of the acting thing, and Rushmore being great - it’s about this kid in high-school who's misunderstood but has his own agenda - everything about it was just so fucking cool to me. To this day, I cite that song as one of my favourite records of all time.”

youtube

“Recently Distressed” by Phantom Planet

“A guy that really formed the way I would sing and write songs is Alex Greenwald, the frontman of Phantom Planet. I went to see Phantom Planet because I loved Rushmore and I found out that Jason Schwartzman [who had been cast as Max Fischer] was also the drummer for a band called Phantom Planet.

"So, when I saw their name on the bill I went, but I didn't know their music. I was barely 14, but their set blew my mind. It was Rock and Roll, but I loved Alex Greenwald’s voice. I loved everything, and I would follow their career from there. I always tell people that my voice is a combination of me trying to be Alex Greenwald, Paul McCartney and Rufus Wainwright, but failing. Alex was incredibly formative for me.

“One of their biggest records was a little while after I first saw them, which was the song for The O.C., "California." That was more of an Elvis Costello thing, and they employed a lot of stuff that sounded to me like The Beatles and a lot of ‘60s mod/pop-rock. But later they would employ things from Fugazi, Radiohead and harder shit, and that eclecticism, again, only accelerated my love for Phantom Planet.

“Recently Distressed” is from their 1998 album Phantom Planet Is Missing. This was a cool rock song that employed these George [Harrison] and Paul [McCartney] background vocals and included all of the things that I loved. It was harder but melodic and employed minor 4th chords and more complicated chords than I was used to. I had grown up with power chords - which are very Gregorian - on a lot of alt. punk rock, like Green Day or Nirvana, and if Kurt Cobain was using power chords then that’s how I was playing guitar. Hearing this music was like ‘Oh, I’m using full chords, not sevenths, minor 4th chords, diminished chords’, shit that I would learn to use more and more.

“When you haven’t experienced much, anything that gives a hint towards possibility, even though it’s probably always been there, you’re like, ‘I like this, I’ve always kind of liked this, but it’s very encouraging to hear somebody else do it and it’s gonna make me reconsider my possibilities.’ That was literally the moment that my power chords turned into full barre chords.”

youtube

“Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk” by Rufus Wainwright

“I forgot the other day how I got into Rufus Wainwright, because all of this stuff I was getting into quite young. It’s like when I talk to 11-13 year olds, it’s funny to think that this was when I was really starting to build my musical identity. But then I remembered, and I didn’t want to say because I didn’t want to sound uncool, because he is such a revered artist who exists in a much cooler place than what I’m about to say.

“I loved soundtracks and I would always buy soundtracks for movies that had cool playlists. I had the Shrek soundtrack, and there’s a cover of Leonard Cohen’s seminal “Hallelujah” that Rufus does and he smashes it, and I’m like, ‘Who the fuck is Rufus Wainwright? What a beautiful voice.’ Then I saw that he was going to be at the Virgin Megastore in San Francisco one week, so I go and he’s there promoting his new album Poses. I remember I didn’t have enough money to buy the album that day, so I had him sign my sneaker and I saved that shoe.

“The first song on Poses was “Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk”, which is a very dark and reflective song about his own battles with addiction, but he’s singing it over this really beautiful, whimsical song that has a lot of really great wordplay. I always love when artists, especially lyricists, can encapsulate an idea with not exactly what they’re talking about. The song’s called “Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk”, it’s not called “Addiction”. Its talking about things that he craved and how that’s representative of other things that he’s gone through. There was a sophistication and elegance to that that I really gravitated towards, that I didn’t possess but wanted to shoot for. So when I saw him, that was a big one for me and he would also continue to influence me later in my life.

“I’ve become friends with Rufus since. I’ve performed with him and we’ve made records together, which is crazy. His songwriting was very complex and punk-rock, but he had this classic cabaret voice, the kind of voice that I don’t have. I was fascinated that there was somebody that could write this really dark material but have such elegance on top of it. He was virtuosic on the piano, which I thought was very cool because musicianship is always the thing that gets me going the most about artists.

“You know what? People say, ‘Don’t meet your heroes.' I completely disagree. Chase the living fuck out of your heroes. I’ve spent a lifetime doing so, it’s made me a better artist, and I’ve sometimes got to meet them and work with them. I’ve worked on music with Alex Greenwald of Phantom Planet. I’ve performed with Hanson. I’ve performed those Disney songs with Alan Menken at The Hollywood Bowl.

"This is all because there are people that I love who I have put on my vision board, and the things that they have done are the things that are bringing me to them. So it is nuts, but at the same time you’re like, ‘Well, what else did you think would happen?’ They did stuff that some part of me connected with, so obviously there’s a magnetic pull towards that person.

“Rufus Wainwright is one of my absolute favourite artists of all time and like I said, me trying to sing like him and failing is a big part of my own journey as an artist.”

youtube

“3x5” by John Mayer

“John Mayer’s another guy that came around when I was 15. I heard a song of his on a middle-of-the-night, singer/songwriter college radio show. This is where I used to get music. You would listen to these carefully curated playlists that you wouldn’t be able to hear anywhere else, and the host played “No Such Thing”, a new song by this young kid who had just dropped out of Berklee College of Music - John Mayer.

“I’m listening to this song and I’m like, ‘Not only is this guitar playing really interesting, but the lyrical value and everything that is going on here ticks all the boxes.' It was jazz, but it was pop. And he did something that all these other guys and girls I’ve mentioned did. They made something very unique and very accessible.

“I immediately went out to buy this album, Room For Squares, and I listened to it over and over again. It was an album that was really formative for me. "3x5” is a really beautiful song that employs a lot of chord structures and melodies that blew my fucking mind at the time, and it made me wish that I could write songs like that.

“That album was a huge turning point in the way I played the guitar, because it was the first time in my life where I would look up tabs. Up until this point in my life, if I heard a song I could play it instantly. It was like a party trick, I would get how it worked if I heard it, because most of the songs I would hear on the radio - especially those that involved a guitar - were [centred around] power chords. And now I’m hearing all of these ninth chords and thirteenths, and I’m like, ‘What the fuck is this?’ So I’d have to look up tabs.

“I think any young artist can attest to this - when you try and learn other people’s shit, it’s the best tool for educating yourself. Playing other people’s music really helps you lock in what your own style is. Trying to learn these songs - and sometimes pulling it off and sometimes not - really changed the way that my hands moved around the guitar and considered chords and voicings that I’d never really thought of.

“There’s another tie to musical theatre here, where I remember seeing Audra McDonald, who is a very venerated theatre actor, and she did a cabaret. If you’re familiar with cabaret culture, it’s more about performing the story of the songs – ‘Life is a cabaret’. She did a John Mayer song because she thought it was from a musical theatre show, and I was so tickled by this, because I was like ‘Yeah, if you really think about it, I don’t think he knows this and I don’t think his fan base even thinks about this, but there’s a number of his songs that feel very theatrical in the way that the lyrics play with each other and the way the chords move’.

"When I saw this I thought, ‘That is why I like John Mayer’, because yes, he’s an amazing guitar player, but he’s also a really strong songwriter.”

youtube

“Cabaret” by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

“Also, around this time growing up in San Francisco, as a guitar player playing music with your buddies, the number one thing that you play is punk rock. There are different parts of the spectrum of punk rock, there's the NOFX, Swingin’ Utters, like real punk, punk. And then there’s the pop-punk thing that was happening at the same time, which was also equally influential - blink-182 and Green Day.

“Fat Mike was the frontman of NOFX. I loved NOFX, and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes were a supergroup of different members from different punk bands, of which Fat Mike was one of the main architects. They would cover songs and turn them into punk rock songs. They have an album of hits from the ‘60s, and they also have an album called Me First and the Gimme Gimmes: Are a Drag, and that record is just a tonne of musical theatre covers that are done through punk rock.

“That was completely in line with everything I loved at this time of my life but didn’t really know how to articulate. I loved punk rock but I also really loved musical theatre. Not only the performative element of it, but there was a real musicality to musical theatre that wasn’t as present in some of the other shit that was popular at the time, just harmonically, or where chords would go. There was a sophistication I loved that seemed to not exist in punk rock.

“Then hearing Fat Mike at The Warped Tour going ‘Alright, which one of you Motherfuckers loves Julie Andrews?’ and hearing a mixed bag of reactions, because people were ‘What? I was not expecting that from you, sir?’ And then they start playing “My Favourite Things”, a classic Rodgers and Hammerstein song which is very accessible, but sophisticated nonetheless. And I am just living. I’m like, ‘This has got the attitude and simplicity of punk rock, but the sophistication of a beautiful song.’

“That was the first time in my life where I went, ‘It’s just all music. All these categories and boxes are completely arbitrary.’ So I thought, ‘I can do that.' I was playing power chords in punk bands but I realised that you can take chords and make them into other rhythms and voicings and have the same song. I could take a punk song and make it jazz. I could take a jazz song and make it country. So, quite providentially, I would end up on Glee, where they took popular songs and would sometimes do their own versions.

“By that point, I had been doing this my whole life. The first time this ever became a possibility for me was seeing Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, and that way of thinking about music and genre. I’ve put that into Masquerade, and it’s all born from that moment of ‘Oh my God, nothing has to be one thing. It’s just about how you look at it.'

“Cabaret” is from a pretty famous musical that I would’ve probably heard about later in life, but I first heard that song as a punk song and then I went back and heard the original. It doesn’t matter how these things happen, the inspiration happens and then you can go from there. But Me First and The Gimme Gimmes were a huge gateway drug and I play “Cabaret” now every year at my festival. That’s why the festival is called Elsie Fest, because it covers the song.”

youtube

“Modern Nature” by Sondre Lerche

“One of the great joys of being a younger brother is that you get to inherit the music of your elders. My brother and I were both really proactive consumers of music, so we would share stuff with each other all the time. But then he would come home from college, which is like coming home from a music festival essentially, right? He was in a new time zone with new people, so he’d bring home these mix CDs that he’d made from people that he’d heard about, and he brings home this guy named Sondre Lerche.

“Hearing this guy blew my mind, because he also was using jazz chords and drawing on musical theatre. Musical theatre’s a massive category, so I can’t just say that musical theatre sounds like one thing, but when I say this, I’m referring to The American Songbook, the jazz standard songbook. “Modern Nature” was a duet that I would go on to play many times with one of my oldest musical collaborators, Charlene Kaye. When we got to college and we both found out that we loved this guy.

“There was a much more whimsical way to how he wrote these songs. And what’s crazy is that loving this guy meant that we also loved Rufus Wainwright, that we also loved these other artists. But Sondre was the first time I considered that I loved that type of music, but I didn’t know that you could be a singer/songwriter and put out music that sounded like it.

“I don’t know if ‘twee’ is the right word to use, but with “Modern Nature” there was a playfulness about it, and again, a musicality that I really gravitated towards. There is a through line - there was a sophistication that was accessible, and me trying to learn those songs did make me rethink the way that I was writing music. The structures were weird and different and I liked that.

“To this day, I find myself writing songs that I think might be difficult for people to ingest, because they’re a little too left of centre, and I realise that I’m trying to write like Sondre Lerche, or I’m unconsciously just copying him.”

youtube

“Everything Happens to Me” by Mr Hudson & The Library

“I was in an H&M in Stockholm when I was 21, and I heard this really cool groove and the lyric was “Why must I always play the clown?” It was sung with a really thick British accent, had an 808 feel on it, and lyrically it had an attitude. Who would say something that sounds so like you’re in a Gilbert & Sullivan musical, but it feels hard? It was cool.

“I went home and looked this up and it was off the record A Tale of Two Cities by Mr Hudson and the Library, which would really, really fuck me up. I bought the album immediately because I loved this song. I had to order it on the internet because I couldn’t find it. It was doing well in England and he was on the festival circuit in the early-mid 2000s, but the first song on the album was a musical theatre cover with 808s.

“It was a pared-down, sort of a hip-hop version of “On The Street Where You Live” from My Fair Lady, and I’m like ‘No fucking way, this guy gets where my head is.’ I’d thought about punk rock musical theatre, but I never thought about 808s and 909s scoring these beautiful songs. I go down the track list and he has “Everything Happens to Me”, which is another very famous standard, and he had this really cool, what we would now call chill-hop, ‘study beats’ version of this song. I was like, ‘This is it. This guy gets that good music is good music and you can reinterpret it to offer it as a new song.’

“I would later become great friends with Mr Hudson. I got to meet him years later when I was with Columbia Records, and they said to me ‘Who do you want to meet?’ He was at the top of my list. I went to London and we’ve been friends ever since and have created all kinds of music together.

“He told me a story where Tyler the Creator went up to him once at Coachella and said, ‘Oh man, “Everything Happens To Me”, that’s like my song.’ We both wondered if Tyler the Creator knew that it was a Chet Baker cover. And we were thinking how cool it is that you can offer these songs to a new audience through a different lens. Tyler’s a smart guy, he’s very cultured, and I’m sure he did know. But it’s more the idea that if someone experienced this song and didn’t know that it was a cover, and this is like the first time they ever get to experience it.

“Mr Hudson would go on to do his own thing with Kanye and was on 808s & Heartbreak and has had his own career. I think “Supernova” was a hit in the UK, it didn’t really cross over here to The States, but before that moment for him, that Mr Hudson and The Library album changed my life. People use that phrase willy-nilly, but this literally was a turning point in my life. It all had to do with the same thing that happened with these other songs, where I saw someone do what I always wanted to do but didn’t really know how to pull off. Where he had this fusing of old songs delivered through a contemporary lens, but also laced it with his own original material that also employed the things that made that old songwriting interesting.

“It’s like changing the font of a great essay but finding the font and figuring out that that font is its own art form. He really displayed that marvellously on this.”

The Masquerade EP is out now

#darren criss #the line of best fit #press #sept 2021

106 notes · View notes

xoruffitup · 3 years

Text

Annette: The AD Devotee Review

So I saw Annette on its premiere night in Cannes and I’m still trying to process and make sense of those 2.5 hours of utter insanity. I have no idea where to begin and this is likely going to become an unholy length by the time I’m finished, so I apologize in advance. But BOY I’ve got a lot to parse through!!

Let’s start here: Adam’s made plenty of weird movies. The Dead Don’t Die? The Man Who Killed Don Quixote? There are definitely Terry Gilliam-esque elements of the unapologetically absurd and fantastical in Annette, but NOTHING comes close to this film. To put it bluntly, nothing I write in this post can prepare you for the eccentric phantasmagoria you’re about to sit through.

While the melodies conveying the story – at times lovely and haunting, at times whimsical, occasionally blunt and simple – add a unique sense of the surreal, the fact that it’s all presented in song somehow supplies the medium for this bizarre concoction of disparate elements and outlandish storytelling to all coalesce into a single genre-defying, disbelief-suspending whole. That’s certainly not to say there weren’t a few times when I quietly chortled to myself and mouthed “what the fuck” from behind my mask when things took an exceeding turn to the outrageous. This movie needs to be permitted a bit of leeway in terms of quality judgments, and traditional indicators certainly won’t apply. I would say part of its appeal (and ultimately its success) stems from its lack of interest in appealing to traditional arbiters of film structure and viewing experience. The movie lingers in studies of discomfiture (I’ll return to this theme); it presents all its absurdities with brazen pride rather than temperance; and its end is abrupt and utterly jarring. Yet somehow, at the end of it, I realized I’d been white-knuckling that rollercoaster ride the whole way through and loved every last twist and turn.

A note on the structure of this post before I dive in: I’ve written out a synopsis of the whole film (for those spoiler-hungry people) and stashed it down at the bottom of this post, so no one trying to avoid spoilers has to scroll through. If you want to read, go ahead and skip down to that before reading the discussion/analysis. If I have to reference a specific plot point, I’ll label it “Spoiler #___” and those who don’t mind being spoiled can check the correlating numbers in my synopsis to see which part I’m referencing. Otherwise, my discussion will be spoiler-free! I do detail certain individual scenes, but hid anything that would give away key developments and/or the ending.

To start, I’ll cut to what I’m sure many of you are here for: THE MUSICAL SEX SCENES. You want detailed descriptions? Well let’s fucking go because these scenes have been living in my head rent-free!!

The first (yes, there are two. Idk whether to thank Mr. Carax or suggest he get his sanity checked??) happens towards the end of “We Love Each Other So Much.” Henry carries Ann to the bed with her feet dangling several inches off the floor while she has her arms wrapped around his shoulders. (I maybe whimpered a tiny bit.) As they continue to sing, you first see Ann spread on her back on the bed, panting a little BUT STILL SINGING while Henry’s head is down between her thighs. The camera angle is from above Ann’s head, so you can clearly see down her body and exactly what’s going on. He lifts his head to croon a line, then puts his mouth right back to work.

And THEN they fuck – still fucking singing! They’re on their sides with Henry behind her, and yes there is visible thrusting. Yes, the thrusting definitely picks up speed and force as the song reaches its crescendo. Yes, it was indeed EXTREMELY sensual once you got over the initial shock of what you’re watching. Ann kept her breasts covered with her own hands while Henry went down on her, but now his hands are covering them and kneading while they’re fucking and just….. It’s a hard, blazing hot R rating. I also remember his giant hand coming up to turn her head so he can kiss her and ladkjfaskfjlskfj. Bring your smelling salts. I don’t recommend sitting between two older ladies while you’re watching – KINDA RUINED THE BLATANT, SMOKING HOT ADAM PORN FOR ME. Good god, choose your viewing buddy wisely!

The second scene comes sort of out of nowhere – I can’t actually recall which song it was during, but it pops up while Ann is pregnant. Henry is again eating her out and there’s not as much overt singing this time, but he has his giant hands splayed over her pregnant belly while he’s going to town and whew, WHEW TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING PLEASE. DID THE THEATER INCREASE IN TEMPERATURE BY 10 DEGREES, YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT DID.

Whew. I think you’ll be better primed to ~enjoy~ those scenes when you know they’re coming, otherwise it’s just so shocking that by the time you’ve processed “Look at Adam eating pussy with reckless abandon” it’s halfway over already. God speed, my fellow rats, it’s truly something to witness!!

Okay. Right. Ahem. Moving right on along….

I’ll kick off this discussion with the formal structure of the film. It’s honestly impossible to classify. I have the questionable fortune of having been taken to many a strange avant-garde operas and art exhibitions by my parents when I was younger, and the strongest parallel I found to this movie was melodramatic opera stagings full of flamboyant flourishes, austere set pieces, and prolonged numbers where the characters wallow at length in their respective miseries. This movie has all the elevated drama, spectacle, and self-aggrandizement belonging to any self-professed rock opera. Think psychedelic rock opera films a la The Who’s Tommy, Hair, Phantom of the Paradise, and hell, even Rocky Horror. Yes, this film really is THAT weird.

But Annette is also in large part a vibrant, absurdist performance piece. The film is intriguingly book-ended by two scenes where the lines blur between actor and character; and your own role blurs between passive viewer and interactive audience. The first scene has the cast walking through the streets of LA (I think?), singing “So May We Start?” directly to the camera in a self-aware prologue, smashing the fourth wall from the beginning and setting up the audience to play a direct role in the viewing experience. Though the cast then disburse and take up their respective roles, the sense of being directly performed to is reinforced throughout the film. This continues most concretely through Henry’s multiple stand-up comedy performances.

Though he performs to an audience in the film rather than directly to live viewers, these scenes are so lengthy, vulgar, and excessive that his solo performance act becomes an integral part of defining his character and conveying his arc as the film progresses. These scenes start to make the film itself feel like a one-man show. The whole shtick of Henry McHenry’s “Ape of God” show is its perverse irreverence and swaggering machismo. Over the span of what must be a five minute plus scene, Henry hacks up phlegm, pretends to choke himself with his microphone cord, prances across the stage with his bathrobe flapping about, simulates being shot, sprinkles many a misanthropic, charmless monologues in between, and ends by throwing off his robe and mooning the audience before he leaves the stage. (Yes, you see Adam’s ass within the film’s first twenty minutes, and we’re just warming up from there.) His one-man performances demonstrate his egocentrism, penchant for lowbrow and often offensive humor, and the fact that this character has thus far profited from indulging in and acting out his base vulgarities.

While never demonstrating any abundance of good taste, his shows teeter firmly towards the grotesque and unsanctionable as his marriage and mental health deteriorate. This is what I’m referring to when I described the film as a study in discomfiture. As he deteriorates, the later iterations of his stand-up show become utterly unsettling and at times revolting. The film could show mercy and stop at one to two minutes of his more deranged antics, but instead subjects you to a protracted display of just how insane this man might possibly be. In Adam’s hands, these excessive, indulgent performance scenes take on disturbing but intriguing ambiguity, as you again wonder where the performance ends and the real man begins. When Henry confesses to a crime during his show and launces into an elaborate, passionate reenactment on stage, you shift uncomfortably in your seat wondering how much of it might just be true. Wondering just how much of an animal this man truly is.

Watching this film as an Adam fan, these scenes are unparalleled displays of his range and prowess. He’s in turns amusing and revolting; intolerable and pathetic; but always, always riveting. I couldn’t help thinking to myself that for the casual, non Adam-obsessed viewer, the effect of these scenes might stop at crass and unappealing. But in terms of the sheer range and power of acting on display? These scenes are a damn marvel. Through these scenes alone, his performance largely imbues the film with its wild, primal, and vaguely menacing atmosphere.

His stand-up scenes were, to me, some of the most intense of the film – sometimes downright difficult to endure. But they’re only a microcosm of the R A N G E he exhibits throughout the film’s entirety. Let’s talk about how he’s animalistic, menacing, and genuinely unsettling to watch (Leos Carax described him as “feline” at some point, and I 100% see it); and then with a mere subtle twitch of his expression, sheen of his eyes, or slump of his shoulders, he’s suddenly a lost, broken thing.

Henry McHenry is truly to be reviled. Twitter might as well spare their breath and announce he’s already cancelled. He towers above the rest of the cast with intimidating, predatory physicality; he is prone to indulgence in his vices; and he constantly seems at risk of releasing some wild, uncontrollable madness lingering just beneath his surface. But as we all well know, Adam has an unerring talent for lending pathos to even the most objectively condemnable characters.

In a repeated refrain during his first comedy show, the audience keeps asking him, “Why did you become a comedian?” He dodges the question or gives sarcastic answers, until finally circling back to the true answer later in the film. It was something to the effect of: “To disarm people. It’s the only way I can tell the truth without it killing me.” Even for all their sick spectacle, there are also moments in his stand-up shows of disarming vulnerability and (seeming) honesty. In a similar moment of personal exposition, he confesses his temptation and “sympathy for the abyss.” (This phrase is hands down my favorite of the film.) He repeatedly refers to his struggle against “the abyss” and, at the same time, his perceived helplessness against it. “There’s so little I can do, there’s so little I can do,” he sings repeatedly throughout the film - usually just after doing something horrific.

Had he been played by anyone else, the first full look of him warming up before his show - hopping in place and punching the air like some wannabe boxer, interspersing puffs of his cigarette with chowing down on a banana – would have been enough for me to swear him off. His archetype is something of a cliché at this point – a brusque, boorish man who can’t stomach or preserve the love of others due to his own self-loathing. There were multiple points when it was only Adam’s face beneath the character that kept my heart cracked open to him. But sure enough, he wedged his fingers into that tiny crack and pried it wide open. The film’s final few scenes show him at his chin-wobbling best as he crumbles apart in small, mournful subtleties.

(General, semi-spoiler ahead as to the tone of the film’s ending – skip this paragraph if you’d rather avoid.) For a film that professes not to take itself very seriously (how else am I supposed to interpret the freaky puppet baby?), it delivers a harsh, unforgiving ending to its main character. And sure enough, despite how much I might have wanted to distance myself and believe it was only what he deserved, I found myself right there with him, sharing his pain. It is solely testament to Adam’s tireless dedication to breathing both gritty realism and stubborn beauty into his characters that Henry sank a hook into some piece of my sympathy.

Not only does Adam have to be the only actor capable of imbuing Henry with humanity despite his manifold wrongs, he also has to be the only actor capable of the wide-ranging transformations demanded of the role. He starts the movie with long hair and his full refrigerator brick house physique. His physicality and size are actively leveraged to engender a sense of disquiet and unpredictability through his presence. He appears in turns tormented and tormentor. There were moments when I found myself thinking of Conan the Barbarian, simply because his physical presence radiates such wild, primal energy (especially next to tiny, dainty Marion and especially with that long hair). Cannot emphasize enough: The raw sex appeal is off the goddamn charts and had me – a veteran fangirl of 3+ years - shook to my damn core.

The film’s progression then ages him – his hair cut shorter and his face and physique gradually becoming more gaunt. By the film’s end, he has facial prosthetics to make him seem even more stark and borderline sickly – a mirror of his growing internal torment. From a muscular, swaggering powerhouse, he pales and shrinks to a shell of a man, unraveling as his face becomes nearly deformed by time and guilt. He is in turns beautiful and grotesque; sensual and repulsive. I know of no other actor whose face (and its accompanying capacity for expressiveness) could lend itself to such stunning versatility.

Quick note here that he was given a reddish-brown birthmark on the right side of his face for this film?? It becomes more prominent once his hair is shorter in the film’s second half. I’m guessing it was Leos’ idea to make his face even more distinctive and riveting? If so, joke’s on you, Mr. Carax, because we’re always riveted. ☺

I mentioned way up at the beginning that the film is bookended by two scenes where the lines blur between actor and character, and between reality and performance. This comes full circle at the film’s end, with Henry’s final spoken words (this doesn’t give any plot away but skip to the next paragraph if you would rather avoid!) being “Stop watching me.” That’s it. The show is over. He has told his last joke, played out his final act, and now he’s done living his life as a source of cheap, unprincipled laughs and thrills for spectators. The curtain closes with a resounding silence.

Now, I definitely won’t have a section where I talk (of course) about the Ben Solo parallels. He’s haunted by an “abyss” aka darkness inside of him? Bad things happened when he finally gave in and stared into that darkness he knew lived within him? As a result of those tragedies, (SPOILER – Skip to next paragraph to avoid) he then finds himself alone and with no one to love or be loved by? NO I’M DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT AT ALL, I’M JUST FINE HERE UNDER MY MOUNTAINS OF TISSUES.

Let’s talk about the music! The film definitely clocks in closer to a rock opera than musical, because almost the entire thing is conveyed through ongoing song, rather than self-contained musical numbers appearing here and there. This actually helps the film’s continuity and pacing, by keeping the characters perpetually in this suspended state of absurdity, always propelled along by some beat or melody. Whenever the film seems on the precipice of tipping all the way into the bleak and dark, the next whimsical tune kicks in to reel us all blessedly back. For example, after (SPOILER #1) happens, there’s a hard cut to the bright police station where several officers gather around Henry, bopping about and chattering on the beat “Questions! We have a few questions!”

Adam integrates his singing into his performance in such a way that it seems organic. I realized after the film that I never consciously considered the quality of his singing along the way. For all that I talked about the film maintaining the atmosphere of a fourth wall-defying performance piece, Adam’s singing is so fully immersed in the embodiment of his character that you almost forget he’s singing. Rather, this is simply how Henry McHenry exists. His stand-up scenes are the only ones in the film that do frequently transition back and forth between speaking and singing, but it’s seamlessly par for the course in Henry’s bizarre, dour show. He breaks into his standard “Now laugh!” number with uninterrupted sarcasm and contempt. There were certainly a few soft, poignant moments when his voice warbled in a tender vibrato you couldn’t help noticing – but otherwise, the singing was simply an extension of that full-body persona he manages to convey with such apparent ease and naturalism.

On the music itself: I’ll admit that the brief clip of “We Love Each Other So Much” we got a few weeks ago made me a tad nervous. It seemed so cheesy and ridiculous? But okay, you really can’t take anything from this movie out of context. Otherwise it is, indeed, utterly ridiculous. Not that none of it is ever ridiculous in context either, but I’m giving you assurances right now that it WORKS. Once you’re in the flow of constant singing and weirdness abound, the songs sweep you right along. Some of the songs lack a distinctive hook or melody and are moreso rhythmic vehicles for storytelling, but it’s now a day later and I still have three of the songs circulating pleasantly in my head. “We Love Each Other So Much” was actually the stand out for me and is now my favorite of the soundtrack. It’s reprised a few times later in the film, growing increasingly melancholy each time it is echoed, and it hits your heart a bit harder each time. The final song sung during (SPOILER #2), though without a distinctive melody to lodge in my head, undoubtedly left me far more moved than a spoken version of this scene would have. Adam’s singing is so painfully desperate and earnest here, and he takes the medium fully under his command.

Finally, it does have to be said that parts of this film veer fully towards the ridiculous and laughable. The initial baby version of the Annette puppet-doll was nothing short of horrifying to me. Annette gets more center-stage screen time in the film’s second half, which gives itself over to a few special effects sequences which look to be flying out at you straight from 2000 Windows Movie Maker. The scariest part is that it all seems intentional. The quality special effects appear when necessary (along with some unusual and captivating time lapse shots), which means the film’s most outrageous moments are fully in line with its guiding spirit. Its extravagant self-indulgence nearly borders on camp.

...And with that, I’ve covered the majority of the frantic notes I took for further reflection immediately after viewing. It’s now been a few days, and I’m looking forward to rewatching this movie when I can hopefully take it in a bit more fully. This time, I won’t just be struggling to keep up with the madness on screen. My concluding thoughts at this point: Is it my favorite Adam movie? Certainly not. Is it the most unforgettable? Aside from my holy text, The Last Jedi, likely yes. It really is the sort of thing you have to see twice to even believe it. And all in all, I say again that Adam truly carried this movie, and he fully inhabits even its highest, most ludicrous aspirations. He’s downright abhorrent in this film, and that’s exactly what makes him such a fucking legend.

I plan to make a separate post in the coming days about my experience at Cannes and the Annette red carpet, since a few people have asked! I can’t even express how damn good it feels to be globetrotting for Adam-related experiences again. <3

Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to ask me any further questions at all here or on Twitter! :)

*SYNOPSIS INCLUDED BELOW. DO NOT READ FURTHER IF AVOIDING SPOILERS!*

Synopsis: Comedian Henry McHenry and opera singer Ann Defrasnoux are both at the pinnacle of their respective success when they fall in love and marry. The marriage is happy and passionate for a time, leading to the birth of their (puppet) daughter, Annette. But tabloids and much of the world believe the crude, brutish Henry is a poor match for refined, idolized Ann. Ann and Henry themselves both begin to feel that something is amiss – Henry gradually losing his touch for his comedy craft, claiming that being in love is making him ill. He repeatedly and sardonically references how Ann’s opera career involves her “singing and dying” every night, to the point that he sees visions of her “dead” body on the stage. Meanwhile, Ann has a nightmare of multiple women accusing Henry of abusive and violent behavior towards them, and she begins growing wary in his presence. (He never acts abusively towards her, unless you count that scene when he tickles her feet and licks her toes while she’s telling him to stop??? Yeah I know, WILD.)

The growing sense of unease, that they’re both teetering on the brink of disaster, culminates in the most deranged of Henry’s stand-up comedy performances, when he gives a vivid reenactment of killing his wife by “tickling her to death.” The performance is so maudlin and unsettling that you wonder whether he’s not making it up at all, and the audience strongly rebukes him. (This is the “What is your problem?!” scene with tiddies out. The full version includes Adam storming across the stage, furiously singing/yelling, “What the FUCK is your problem?!”) But when Henry arrives home that night, drunk and raucous, Ann and Annette are both unharmed.

The couple take a trip on their boat, bringing Annette with them. The boat gets caught in a storm, and Henry drunkenly insists that he and Ann waltz in the storm. She protests that it’s too dangerous and begs him to see sense. (SPOILER #1) The boat lurches when Henry spins her, and Ann falls overboard to her death. Henry rescues Annette from the sinking boat and rows them both to shore. He promptly falls unconscious, and a ghost of Ann appears, proclaiming her intention to haunt Henry through Annette. Annette (still a toddler at this point and yes, still a wooden puppet) then develops a miraculous gift for singing, and Henry decides to take her on tour with performances around the world. He enlists the help of his “conductor friend,” who had been Ann’s accompanist and secretly had an affair with her before she met Henry.

Henry slides further into drunken debauchery as the tour progresses, while the Conductor looks after Annette and the two grow close. Once the tour concludes, the Conductor suggests to Henry that Annette might be his own daughter – revealing his prior affair with Ann. Terrified by the idea of anyone finding out and the possibility of losing his daughter, Henry drowns the Conductor in the pool behind his and Ann’s house. Annette sees the whole thing happen from her bedroom window.

Henry plans one last show for Annette, to be held in a massive stadium at the equivalent of the Super Bowl. But when Annette takes the stage, she refuses to sing. Instead, she speaks and accuses Henry of murder. (“Daddy kills people,” are the actual words – not that that was creepy to hear as this puppet’s first spoken words or anything.)

Henry stands trial, during which he sees an apparition of Ann from when they first met. They sing their regret that they can’t return to the happiness they once shared, until the apparition is replaced by Ann’s vengeful spirit, who promises to haunt Henry in prison. After his sentencing (it’s not clear what the sentence was, but Henry definitely isn’t going free), Annette is brought to see him once in prison. Speaking fully for the first time, she declares she can’t forgive her parents for using her: Henry for exploiting her voice for profit and Ann for presumably using her to take vengeance on Henry. (Yes, this is why she was an inanimate doll moving on strings up to this point – there was some meaning in that strange, strange artistic choice. She was the puppet of her parents’ respective egotisms.) The puppet of Annette is abruptly replaced by a real girl in this scene, finally enabling two-sided interaction and a long-missed genuine connection between her and Henry, which made this quite the emotional catharsis. (SPOILER #2) It concludes with Annette still unwilling to forgive or forget what her parents have done, and swearing never to sing again. She says Henry now has “no one to love.” He appeals, “Can’t I love you, Annette?” She replies, “No, not really.” Henry embraces her one last time before a guard takes her away and Henry is left alone.

…..Yes, that is the end. It left me with major emotional whiplash, after the whole film up to this point kept pulling itself back from the total bleak and dark by starting up a new toe-tapping, mildly silly tune every few minutes. But this last scene instead ends on a brutal note of harsh, unforgiving silence.

BUT! Make sure you stick around through the credits, when you see the cast walking through a forest together. (This is counterpart to the film’s opening, when you see the cast walking through LA singing “So May We Start?” directly to the audience) Definitely pay attention to catch Adam chasing/playing with the little girl actress who plays Annette! That imparts a much nicer feeling to leave the theater with. :’)

#Adam Driver #Annette #Cannes 2021 #driverdaily #Annette spoilers

112 notes · View notes

gumnut-logic · 3 years

Text

Preen

Okay, this is 4000 words of fluff dripping with so much sop, it is almost pure liquid. It doesn’t really go anywhere, and it refused to come to a neat ending. So yeah, FishTank with just a dash of Earth and Sky in the middle, all wrapped up in the Marks & Wings AU.

I was desperate to write some comfort and M&W is my go to for self indulgence, so that’s what we have. Blatant Virgil comfort fic :D

Many thanks to @janetm74 and @tsarinatorment for the read through and support, but I would also like to say a very big thank you to all of the Thunderfam who sent me so many kind well wishes on Monday. I’m feeling better and the writing muscles seem to be flexing okay at this point, so maybe, if you like Marks & Wings, please consider this a bit of a thank you fic. And for those of you who don’t find this AU to be your cup of tea, I hope I can write you something you like in the near future. ::hugs you all:: You are all so kind and amazing to me.

I hope you enjoy whatever this is ::extra hugs::

-o-o-o-

“Virg, let me do it?”

Virgil brushed his fingertips through the length of one of his black flight feathers. Its root twinged, both with irritation and the ache of bruising, but he found the grass seed responsible and a pair of fingernails scraped it out and dropped it onto the locker room floor.

The relief was wonderful.

Only a thousand or so more to go.

A sigh. “Do what?” He started working on the next grass seed. Honestly, grass was evil and he was ever so thankful there was very little of it on the Island.

“Preen your feathers.” Gordon was standing in his swim shorts watching Virgil poke at his wings. “I want to help.”

Another grass seed fell to the floor. “It wasn’t your fault, Fish.”

“You still saved my ass.” A hesitant and emotional breath. “I want to help you.”

Scott was usually the one who helped each brother preen. ‘Smotherhen’ was a very appropriate name when he had his feathers out. Virgil helped Scott when he had issues. But feathers were sensitive and preening a deeply personal thing, much like bathing.

And Gordon didn’t have feathers and didn’t know what it felt like.

“You know I help Allie sometimes.”

The honesty and concern in those russet eyes were ever so strong.

“Okay.”

The small smile that spread on Gordon’s face lit up his eyes.

Virgil ripped another grass seed from his plumage and bruises twinged. Ow. “Be gentle. There are a few...bruises.”

The smile disappeared. “Are you hurt?”

Virgil sighed. Gordon had managed to get all the rescuees onto the rescue rig, but an explosion had destabilised the building before he could jump off himself. The result had seen his fish brother pinwheeling towards hard concrete.

Virgil hadn’t hesitated, his wings out before thought. Launching off the rescue rig, he’d swooped through smoke and caught his little brother midair. But another explosion had thrown him off pace and the result was Virgil curled protectively around Gordon and tumbling through a field full of weeds.

And grass. So much ripe seeding grass.

So not only was he aching all over from a shitty landing that could have, but somehow didn’t, seriously broken something, his wings were also full of contaminants.

The flight home had been hell. Even hidden in his mark, they itched, irritated and tormented him.

To finally be home and able to attend to the mess was a relief in itself, but not so much as getting all those damned seeds out. If Scott had been here, there would have been a lecture, but so much help.

Eight metres of feathers was a lot to attend to.

But Scott was on Three with Alan, so it was just him and Gords, an equally caring but inexperienced brother.

Virgil stretched out his right wing. It groaned and complained, forcing a breath from him. “Just aching bruises. I’m fine, Gords. Honest. Getting these seeds out will help a lot.”

Gordon held up his hands. “Tell me what to do.”

So Virgil did. He guided his brother’s hands to a feather, pointed out the snag and showed him how to use his fingernails to brush it out, how to align the feather into its correct position, and outlined how he would wash them himself and work a light preening oil over them after his shower.

Gordon listened ever so attentively and Virgil had to admit, it was a relief to have another set of hands working through his feathers despite the ache.

Gordon, for all their brotherly ribbing, was ever so gentle when he wanted to be. Virgil had seen him caring for children and babies out in the field and he trusted him with so much. His feathers were nothing in comparison.

More grass seeds fell to the floor. They would be vacuumed up and destroyed lest they contaminate the Island which was why Virgil was doing this in the locker room rather than anywhere else. There were decontamination facilities here of multiple types.

“Sit down, Virgil. Let me do this.”

Virgil blinked. “It will get done faster if we both do it.”

“You need to rest. And don’t tell me otherwise, or I’ll grab the scanner and prove my point enough to call in Grandma.”

His shoulders dropped. “Gordon...”

“Sit down, bro.” A hand on his wing shoulder. “Please.” Gordon really knew how to throw those puppy eyes around. To top it off, Gordon grabbed an office chair and wheeled it in so Virgil didn’t have to sit on the hard bench.

The upholstery looked soft and inviting – a sign that Virgil was obviously desperate. It was only one of the many type chairs in the villa and nothing special.

He must be tired.

“Fine.” Virgil groaned as he took the chair and straddled it backwards, letting the back rest support his front while his wings had total freedom.

Gordon was right. That tumble of a landing had punched the wind out of him. It had been a shitty rescue to begin with. The fall had just topped it off.

Fortunately, Gordon was fine. Virgil had used that entire eight metres of feathers to wrap around and protect his brother, curling them up into a ball that rolled, shedding harmful momentum.

But there were scrapes and bent feathers and bruises.

So many bruises.

Virgil winced as Gordon tugged on one. “Sorry! A stubborn burr. It’s out now.”

Virgil closed his eyes. “Is fine.”

Gordon’s fingers gently moved between primaries, methodically examining and removing irritants.

It was quite nice to have someone else taking care of his feathers. Gordon’s touch caressed jangled nerves, untangled snags and lined up vanes one by one. The relief was palpable and relaxing.

Virgil sagged ever so slowly where he sat, his head falling onto his arms.

At some point he realised Gordon was humming. Just softly and a familiar tune. It took a solid few minutes for Virgil to connect the notes and come up with the composition he had created for Grandma’s last birthday.

Gordon had a good voice. He wasn’t ashamed to use it either. Unfortunately, his choice of repertoire left much to be desired. His best usually involved an ancient sea shanty, a genre his fish brother actively took an interest in. At his worst, it was something like the ‘I’m too sexy for this shirt’ song from last century.

His little brother had blown a few shirt buttons the last time he danced to that one. If he’d known that Alan would film it and send a copy to Lady Penelope, then perhaps he wouldn’t have danced so...exotically.

Alan was still suffering the fallout from that episode.

Lady P was still smiling.

Virgil couldn’t help smiling, too.

“Got something on your mind?” Gordon startled him. “When’s Tin due back?”

“Gordon...”

“What? I know you have a thing for our lovely security chief. Just asking.”

“Well, don’t.”

But even that poke in the ribs couldn’t disturb him that much. Gordon was doing a great job cleaning his feathers and Virgil lost himself in the sensation of being cared for.

Gordon must have realised that his brother had found peace because he didn’t say anything further, just hummed away as he worked.

Virgil ended up with his eyes closed, his shoulders relaxed and his wings drooping on the floor.

He was vaguely aware of Gordon sweeping up detritus and for a moment, he put enough energy in to lift his wings off the concrete properly.

“I think I’ve got most of them.” His brother brushed his fingers gently through feathers, skipping across his secondaries, up to his lesser coverts and onto the down that tracked over his shoulders and back.

Virgil shivered at his touch.

“Virg?”

He pushed himself up, staggering to his feet. “Gotta go wash.” Gordon grabbed him as he wobbled.

“You sure about that?”

“Will be more comfortable.” He had to remind himself that Gordon didn’t know. Or maybe he did. Virgil felt suddenly felt guilty for not having had such a discussion with his little brother in the past.

“I can understand that, but you’re dead on your feet.”

Virgil forced himself to stand up straighter and everything ached. He experimentally flapped his wings just a little. So much better.

But they were still dusty.

“A quick rinse and dry. That’s all.”

Gordon looked ready to go for that scanner again.

Virgil sighed, half folded his wings and headed for the specialised wet area designed for just this activity.

He closed the doors between his brother and himself.

“Virg?”

“I’m fine, Gordon. I won’t be long.” Something obviously had the fish worried. Virgil closed his eyes and let his wings droop. They were heavy.

He gave himself that moment, before shucking off his pants and throwing them in the laundry chute. Lifting his wings again, he walked to the wall, punched in a temperature and set the fine spray running.

Walking into the warm water was bliss.

He may have lost himself for a moment or two between soap and spray.

“Virg? You okay in there?”

He startled and realised he had been standing there, half asleep for he didn’t know how long.

But he was clean. Thank goodness. Soap had been applied to skin and water had washed the dust from his feathers.

This, of course, made them heavier, but only for a short time as he switched the spray off and activated the blow dry.

Warm air evaporated the moisture off his wings. He flapped them repeatedly and they complained. But the water fell and soon he was as dry as he could be.

With a sigh, he carefully folded his pinions and let them go.

As always, it was a rush of sensation as they disappeared and his centre of gravity shifted abruptly. So tired, he staggered to one knee with a groan.

So many bruises.

“Virg, goddamnit.” His brother was suddenly there.

It wasn’t a gasp. It wasn’t. Really. “You ever heard of knocking?”

Yellow light flickered over him and he groaned. “Gordon, I’m fine. Just need some sleep.” He pushed himself off the floor.

A towel was shoved into his stomach. “Put this on. We’re going to see Grandma.”

Virgil clutched at the towel. “Why?”

Gordon held up the readings on the medscanner. “You tell me.”

Virgil stared at the numbers and the diagram representing his body. “Just some bruising.” Perhaps some imbalances. Nothing sleep and a good meal couldn’t fix.

The thought of food turned his stomach over. Maybe just a drink.

“I’m fine, Gordon. Feathers were a bit messed up. Broke a couple and gained some bruises. There is nothing a simple painkiller and bed won’t fix.”

He wrapped the towel around his waist anyway and strode towards the doors.

“Virgil-“

“Gordon, please.”

“Didn’t you say you needed to oil your feathers?”

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“I could do it for you now.”

Virgil closed his eyes again. God, he was tired. “You can help me tomorrow. Now, I’m going to bed.” He shoved the doors open further and strode through. His uniform was still on the bench, but he’d stash that tomorrow as well.

Gordon hurried to catch up with him and followed him to his rooms.

“You’re stalking me, Gords. I’m going to get weirded out.”

“Have you looked at yourself in the mirror yet?”

“What? Why?”

He had been about to shed the towel and don his pyjama pants, but wasn’t used to the audience.

Gordon grabbed him gently by the elbow and led him over to his full-length mirror.

His reflection looked as tired as he felt. “What is your point, Gordon?”

His brother turned him side on, the black etching of his mark wrapping around his biceps and shoulder…was mottled.

Virgil twisted further around and found his mark to be a patchwork of red and blue up and down the length of his torso.

That explained the ow.

“I would really prefer Grandma to take a look, Virgil.”

“It’s just bruising.” No matter how spectacular.

“We fell from quite a height.”

Virgil looked over at his brother. “This is not your fault, Gords. You know that. A few bruises are nothing compared to your safety.”

“But what about your safety?”

“I’m fine.”

“Then why won’t you let Grandma have a look?”

“She doesn’t need to. There is nothing to look at.”

Gordon stared at him and something flickered in his eyes. “Fine. But I want you to let your wings out before you go to bed.”

Virgil blinked. “Why?” He had just let them go and that had hurt enough.

“I want to check to make sure all the burrs are gone.”

“We’ve already done that.”

“I want to give them another look, just to make sure.”

Virgil eyed him. “There is not enough room in here.” He gestured around his bedroom.

“Then we’ll go into the living room and set up a lounger.”

“So Grandma can accidentally find me there?” Virgil frowned at his brother.

“Nooooo.”

Virgil glared at him. He was up to something, he was sure of it. But Virgil didn’t have the energy to pursue it and honestly, he did trust Gordon. He knew enough to know that feathers were no joking matter.

Ever.

Not after the incident with Scott all those years ago.

That had not been funny at all.

And there was something in his brother’s eyes. Honest concern.

“Fine.”

“Good.”

Entering the living room, Virgil was surprised to find that it was evening and the sun was gilding the Island. A gentle breeze was blowing off the caldera and the birds on Mateo were warbling as they settled down for the evening.

Virgil stood on the balcony barefoot, shirtless and just let it soak in. The breeze ruffled his hair and caressed aching skin.

“Virg? Come lay down.”

He blinked and turned to find Gordon standing beside a lounger with a thick mattress and several pillows.

“Gordon, why are you doing this?”

“I want to help. You got hurt because of me. Please help me fix it, even just a little.”

“It was not your fault. Just a shitty rescue.”

“You’re in pain.”

“It’s nothing, Gords, honest.”

“Will you please just lift and lie down.” There was just a touch of warning in his little brother’s tone. Gordon had a streak of their father in him almost as much as Scott did.

Fine.

But Virgil glared anyway.

Before he could think about it too much, he hunched and lifted.

And Gordon had to catch him or he would have fallen. God, that hurt. Only bruising, but ow.

Gordon had caught him under his arms. “Virg? You with me?” Worried brown eyes peered up at him.

“I’m fine.” But it was rasped out. His wings were still folded and a mass of ache, dragging on the floor.

“C’mon, let’s get you lying down.”

Virgil grunted. The divan suddenly looked so much more inviting. The pillow was soft beneath his cheek as he finally lay down on his belly. He let out a breath and every aching muscle relaxed into the soft mattress. Where had his brother found it? It was heaven.

“Spread your wings for me, Virgil?”

He blinked, almost on the edge of sleep. “Mmm-hmm...”

“This is the last I’ll ask of you, I promise. Spread your wings and then you can sleep.”

Sleep.

Ever so stiff, his pinions ached and creaked as he unfolded and extended them out. Gentle hands caught his left wing and guided it down to a soft surface. Footsteps around him and his right wing was gently nudged to an equally soft landing.

A hand on his shoulder and a finger brushed hair out of his eyes.

Ever so quietly. “Sleep, big brother.”

Virgil let his wing shoulders relax and mumbled into his pillow.

Gordon snorted just softly and a moment later a light blanket was laid over his legs. “Your modesty is safe. Now sleep.”

Mmph.

But Gordon was running his fingers through the fine down on his shoulders and Virgil was too tired to resist.

He slipped away.

-o-o-o-

“He’s okay, Gordon.”

The voice was his beloved grandmother, whispering. “He has some bruising and a few electrolyte imbalances. He just needs rest and possibly a painkiller.”

“He won’t take them, you know that.” A shaky breath. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure, honey. What about you? You took the fall as well.”

“I’m good, Grandma.”

There was silence for a moment and Virgil drifted.

“He saved me.”

“You boys have a habit of doing that.”

“Grandma...”

“You fell. Your brothers can fly. Of course they are going to catch you.”

There was a muffled sound.

“Aww, honey, come here.” Shuffled footsteps. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“He’s hurt because of me.” There was a shake to Gordon’s voice that set off alarms in Virgil’s head. His little brother was hurting.

He shifted, attempting to shrug off the fog of sleep, but a small hand landed on his shoulder. “It’s okay, sweetie.” He had no idea if the words were addressed to him or to his little brother, but the hand brushed gently through his shoulder down and was ever so paralysing that he lost his fight with sleep again and drifted off.

-o-o-o-

Someone was tugging gently at one of his primaries.

The tugging nudged him into awareness, but then disappeared, leaving him floating in that lazy level just below full consciousness.

Fingers were combing ever so gently through his feathers.

One by one.

He was being looked after.

He wasn’t awake enough to protest, to resist the care being given. Not awake enough to feel guilt.

But enough to just enjoy being looked after, being cared for.

Being loved in the gentlest way possible.

Fingers combed through his secondaries and he let himself fall away.

-o-o-o-

“He’s okay, Scott. Grandma has checked him over, I promise. Just a mass of bruising.” Gordon’s voice was whispering again.

“He looks awful.” Alan’s honesty bounced around Virgil’s dopey brain.

“Shh. I know. Don’t wake him.”

A flicker of yellow light and Gordon sighed. “Don’t believe me, huh?”

“I believe you. I just need to check for myself.” Scott’s deeper rumble blossomed comfort in Virgil’s heart. His big brother was home. He would look after Gordy.

Virgil relaxed just that notch further.

-o-o-o-

Time passed.

It must have, because when Virgil finally woke up everything was quiet. Slow blinking revealed very early dawn barely lighting up the hardwood floor.

Slow neurons fired and eventually gave him the information he needed. He had fallen asleep before the sun went down. Gordy.

Gordy falling.

He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned.

“Gordon’s fine, Virgil.”

The words were quiet and calm.

He was laying on his belly and the barest of movements proved his wings were still out. Looking up he caught sight of his eldest brother sitting against the glass doors that led out onto the balcony. He blinked. They were closed.

Scott put down his glass of protein shake. He was dressed in his running outfit, but by the look of it, he hadn’t been out yet.

“How are you feeling?” His brother pushed himself off the floor and took the few steps across the hardwood to crouch down beside Virgil.

How was he feeling?

He had obviously slept in the same position all night and the smallest of movements let him know all about it.

Another groan gave him away as he let his forehead drop to the pillow again.

“That bad, huh?” A hand landed on his shoulder, fingers gently nudging the fine down of his trapezius. “Can you fold your wings?”

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut. Scott was right. Remove the weight of his wings and then attempt the rest.

Movement hurt. The next day was always the worst. Adrenalin gone, abused muscles stiff, bruises fully realised. He grit his teeth.

But this wasn’t the first time.

He lifted his wings off the pillows Gordon had piled there for him and with a groan that crept out between his teeth, he retracted his wings, folded them, and let them go.

All the breath in his body left with a whoosh and he collapsed back into the bed and closed his eyes.

“Better?”

Virgil’s muffled expletive said everything.

Scott snorted. “Okay. Hold that thought. I’ve got just the thing.”

A breath and Virgil let himself drift.

A gentle touch to his mark startled him.

“Hey, relax. Just a little preening oil. Gordon did your wings last night. I thought it wouldn’t hurt to rub a little on sore muscles.” And with that his brother started running gentle circles all over Virgil’s back. His mark tingled at the contact, but it was safe contact, welcome brotherly care.

Care.

The scent of the bathing oil wafted past his nostrils. Scott knew from his own experience where and what hurt in this situation.

Well, not perhaps this exact situation. Virgil couldn’t recall Scott catching Gordon midair before, but there had been that incident with Allie. Their little brother terrifying them all prematurely grey.

It had been Virgil who had administered the care to Scott that day.

Fingers nudged knots and movement into his muscles. It felt good and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it.

“Thanks, Scott.”

His brother didn’t stop his ministrations. “Anytime, Virg, you know that.”

There was silence for a while after that, Scott methodically and medically working to rub in the liniment. Virgil knew he should move, get up, find where Gordy was…but he found himself paralysed.

Scott knew exactly what he was doing.

Caring, smotherhen, big brother…

-o-o-o-

He must have fallen asleep again, because the next he knew the sun was high in the sky.

He blinked. Everything was quiet – a very unusual situation for the comms room.

Shaking off most of the fog, he pushed himself into a sitting position and was pleasantly surprised when the pain was minimal. It still hurt, but a good percentage of the stiffness was gone. His skin was ever so soft where his big brother had rubbed in oil.

Standing up proved a little more of a challenge, but he got there and worked several of his muscles until they loosened up.

He felt surprisingly good, despite the aches.

All he needed now was coffee.

He shuffled his way across the hardwood floor in his bare feet and down the stairs to the kitchen.

“Virg! You’re awake! How are you feeling?”

Virgil blinked and froze. Gordon, as usual, was far too full of energy first thing in the morning.

“Oh, hell. Coffee. You haven’t had your coffee yet. Sit down, I’ll get you some of your stim juice. Just a moment.”

Gordon started flapping around the kitchen.

Virgil stayed where he was and just stared.

What?

The smell of coffee was suddenly in the air and Virgil felt like floating on it like Pepe Le Pew on a waft of perfume.

“C’mon, Virg, sit down. Coffee’s nearly ready. Want some toast?”

Virgil was notoriously slow in the mornings, but even his morning fog brain could twig something wasn’t right. Gordon was always kind, but this?

“Gordon, what are you doing?”

“Getting you coffee. And breakfast, if you want it.”

His fish brother darted about the kitchen like a guppy swimming in caffeine.

“Gordon?”

“You want sugar?”

“Gordon.”

But his brother wasn’t stopping. With not enough brain cells to work out a different strategy, Virgil resorted to putting himself directly in his brother’s path and grabbing him. “Gordon, stop.”

“What? Why?”

Virgil sighed. It was all too much before coffee. He pulled his brother into a hug. A tight one.

“I’m okay, Gords.”

His brother’s response was muffled against Virgil’s shoulder. Gordon struggled against his hold, so Virgil let him go.

Gordon flung himself away. “Aaargh! You don’t have a shirt on, Virg. Bare skin much?” He stared at his hands. “And oily. Ergh.”

Virgil snorted. “Sorry.” He bit back a grin, but soon lost the fight and ended up chuckling at the expression on his little brother’s face.

Gordon screwed that face up in disgust. “That’s it, you can get your own coffee.”

“Will do.” He reached out and ruffled the fish’s hair.

Gordon batted him away. “Get’orff.”

Virgil sighed, smiling. “Thanks, Gords.”

The fish froze, staring. Something stirred in his eyes. “Anytime, Virg.” He swallowed. “Always.”

Virgil softened even more. “Same.”

They stared at each other a moment longer only for it to be broken by the chime of the coffee machine.

“Ooh, I dare not stand between you and your coffee.” He backed away and then around Virgil as if he was an explosive.

Virgil rolled his eyes and beelined for the coffee machine, because coffee. When he turned around, beverage of the gods in hand, Gordon was gone.

And the warmth in Virgil’s heart had nothing to do with the mug in his hand.

-o-o-o-

FIN.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds fanfiction #thunderbirds #Virgil Tracy #Gordon Tracy #Scott Tracy #FishTank #comfort fic

42 notes · View notes

meimae · 3 years

Text

Look at me, not being on time for my April Immersion Overview as is the usual. (・w・;

First, little blog updates to get out of the way:

I reached 100 followers! Got an influx of people checking out my 1 year update post, and got plenty of nice compliments on my data collection.

For those of you wondering just why I keep up with so much data, it's mostly because it can get really hard to notice how much you're improving in a language especially with something like immersion learning that for people who don't get it feels like a waste of time or a time sink.

Graphs showing consistency, improvement in reading speed, increasing vocabulary counts, and generally just seeing numbers grow turns language learning more fun and motivating for me, and if as a bonus, it encourages someone to try immersion learning then that would be cool!

With that said, whether you're here as a fellow language learner, graphs enthusiast (笑), or just want some Japanese media recommendations, ようこそ!

Also, made a tiny DP change - it’s チト from 少女週末旅行. Pretty sure it’s the first manga series I ever finished in Japanese (not the first one I started since ちはやふる is still ongoing), and I always felt a bit of a ☆connection☆ with her - between her book-loving personality and being a no-nonsense kind of person, there was no way for me not to enjoy her character. Great beginner anime/manga if you’re not into most beginner recommendations.

-☆-

April has been a pretty good immersion month, as I was able to dip my toes in a variety of media. A bit competitive, too! The club I joined has been pulling all the stops to get to the Top 20 Immersion Leaderboard in it’s first month. I was able to snag the 9th spot among a bunch of people of different comprehension levels (the majority being N1+ since they’re able to comprehend much more and in turn stand longer immersion hours). Lots of tiny complaints though of potential “whitenoising” content (”listening” and “reading” but not comprehending very well just to get a large number to post), but really what can you do? People lie all the time on the internet. Besides, it’s internet points that doesn’t do anything beyond being a little shiny I guess.

Enough about that, let’s get into the nitty-gritty details you came here for!

ANIME

フルーツバスケット

Might need to rewatch this one. Felt like I didn’t connect with the characters the way the rest of its fandom has. I’m kinda sad about it, since I normally love Slice of Life and Fantasy, and I know this is one of my friend’s diehard shows.

ラブライブ! School Idol Project S2

A filler anime to watch tbh. Nice and easy enough to follow for beginners. Pretty good songs. With regards to it being a show about music and moe, I still 100% prefer K-On! if I’m going to be honest, but for a show about non-toxic idols, it’s good!

魔法少女まどか☆マギカ

First read this as English translated manga when I was 13 or something. Mistakes were made. Let’s all just agree to throw キュウベえ into a pit of fire and never talk about it again. Great ending and a show that really reworked the magical girl genre. But seriously, I was traumatized by マミ’s death then and now, help.

四月は君の嘘

Already knew what was going to happen even before watching this so I didn’t ugly cry like I was expecting. Still got that awful sinking feeling though. 10/10 would recommend for a good cry. Also, I’m planning to read the manga, might enjoy that more, because I’ve always liked it more than anime actually. *shocked pikachu face*

ホリミヤ

Watched before I even finished the manga which felt like a mistake at first until I realized that it perfectly stops where I stopped reading. Nice and comfy anime, the kind I would have loved as a teen. Fun animation too, making parts very dramatic even though it wasn’t really that deep of an issue even in the manga. Just teens feeling feelings. Still salty that we lose bad boy styled 宮村, but I get why it had to happen.

AUDIOBOOKS

氷菓

Second re-listen. I understand it fine, but it’s very easy to drift off when you can’t catch all the words so I had to replay often. Will have to mine more from the anime/book.

君の名は

I mined from the anime, and was really pleased to be able to follow all 6 hours of this audiobook perfectly fine. Will need to read the book, because I realized just how seamless reading it would be after listening to it with hardly any issue.

BOOKS

キッチェン

Completed! Read my thoughts about it and see my stats on this post.

君の膵臓を食べたい

Still trudging on with this one. It’s not a bad story, it’s pretty well written actually, I just made the mistake of watching both the anime and live adaptation first, so I know exactly what’s going to happen and it’s killing my motivation to keep reading. I guess reading the book first before watching the movie still applies in any language with me. Really need to 頑張れ and finish so I can move on.

三日間の幸福

Started reading towards the end of the month, mostly because I realized that every chapter is only 5000-15000 characters long, and I was able to read up to 40k in a day with Island most days. Only two chapters read so far though because I got distracted by manga, but it’s shaping up to be a really good plot and potentially a really sad one, too, so I’m interested.

DRAMA

花ざかりの君たちへイケメンパラダイス

Heard this was a classic so I gave it a try. Loved 生田斗真’s character in this one the most especially all his internal dialogue acted out. Also, 小栗旬 in anything is bound to be a good watch. Simple and fun watch. They dragged the ending so much though lmao

ごくせん

Look, I see 松本潤, I click. Definitely the kind of show you should watch for some great life advice. Planning to watch the 2nd and 3rd seasons even if there is a terrible lack of 松本潤, because I love my strong female protagonists, and man, ヤンクミ is such a great character. Need to read the manga, too, if I can find it.

極主夫道

Oof, this was kind of hard. The yakuza talk was throwing me off, but the rest of it was enjoyable. Not really plot heavy as I thought it was going to be. The comedy side of it was fun and predictable after the first few episodes. Overall, pretty good slice of life, family story with a twist.

MANGA

Read a bunch of manga this month, mostly because I am struggling to find the next vn to read.

おやすみプンプン

Read a couple of volumes (6-7). This manga is so good, but it’s so depressing I need to stop to take a breather every once in a while. Please don’t leave any spoilers. The club has been reacting to me reading this, and it has mostly been a lot of crying emotes. It’s both been enjoyable to see and really worrying. 笑

チェンソーマン

Club recommendation. Only read the 1st volume so far. I really need to get into more 少年 anime/manga. That’s currently my 苦手 genre which is awful because literally all the top anime/manga is 少年 help. I just can’t enjoy it much still even though it’s comprehensible to me.

ちはやふる中学生編

Read Vol. 1, chill read to me at this point after reading 45 volumes of the regular manga. Look, it’s my favorite 幼馴染 manga in baby format, of course I’m going to read this! 太一 has been a flake way before season 3 confirmed. Don’t come at me たいちはや stans bc I also like his character.

約束のネバーランド

Volume 7. I’m taking my sweet time with this one, because I heard the anime for season 2 sucked, so I’m avoiding it like the plague. This is 少年 how am I enjoying this and not everything else what.

ヲタクに恋は難しい

Enjoyed the anime hated the movie why did they make it a musical that sucked (ps i normally love musicals hated this one)

The オタク jargon is kinda hard to read suprisingly but I do enjoy this ship very much. It’s a lighthearted take to otaku culture which is great because seriously it’s scary out there.

ツバサ -RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE-

It’s my childhood ship, obviously I will read this again (read in English several years ago). Still as plot twisty as I remember it being (now at a bonus hard level reading it in Japanese 笑). Really enjoyed reading this one (I finished it this May).

-☆-

I’m starting to really dislike furigana in manga. It was a great help as a beginner, but now it’s like training wheels that you can’t take off. I feel like the gains I’m getting from manga is much lower than it was when I first started which makes me both proud of how far I’ve come, but also sad because I love manga. Sad that I might have to start choose VNs over it, because it’s not going to challenge me as much going forward. I mean it didn’t stop me from reading a lot of it this month, but you get the picture.

VISUAL NOVELS

ISLAND

Completed! See my stats and read my long spoiler filled post here.

ファタモルガーナの館

Picked up this VN and finished two doors (15 hours) before stopping. On the fence about it, because it has been kind of predictable so far, and I don’t particularly enjoy the horror genre. That said, this is more psychological than anything, so it’s probably not that that’s putting me off. The language is not exactly difficult, too - maybe some oddly specific words because it is after all historical fiction (which is one of my favorite genres, btw), and 敬語 is definitely interesting to read for once after encountering so many お嬢様 characters in anime/drama so far.

I think maybe it’s the conversations that are kind of dull - dots (silence) every few clicks that keeps breaking the flow of reading. Probably judging it really harshly too early, because it’s rated so high everywhere, and I just have high expectations. Definitely not dropping it yet though, just taking a break and testing a couple of other VNs before I settle with whatever I end up choosing. It is, after all, going to be another 50+ hour read, and I just don’t want to not enjoy the process, because having fun with the process is a huge part of immersion learning.

Let me know if you’ve read Fata and if I should continue!

-☆-

That’s it for this month!

If you have any suggestions on what to watch and read next, please send me a reply, especially for VNs because I’m struggling over here.

39 notes · View notes

notanacousticsetcal · 4 years

Text

begin again - calum hood

summary - based off of the song “begin again” by taylor swift. because i adore her and her songs are basically perfectly condensed little stories. so here’s what i think of when i hear that song.

mood board

warnings - hints at prior emotional and physical abuse, some emotional abuse flashbacks. toxic relationship.

word count - 1.9k

a/n - i’m not sure how I feel about it. I think I like it. please enjoy!! i love doing these song-based stories though I think they’re so fun to write so ill probably do more if you guys like it? highly highly recommend listening to the song first. or after if you want but definitely listen to it, its so good.

Took a deep breath in the mirror. He didn't like it when I wore high heels, but I do. Turned the lock and put my headphones on. He always said he didn't get this song but I do, I do.

You straightened your dress in the mirror, sucking in an anxious breath, and applied a thin layer of lip gloss. You glanced down at your heels pushing away his voice in your head. The voice that controlled you for so long. You checked the time, 6:14pm. With that, you grabbed your bag and pulled out your keys, locking the apartment door behind you. A foreign feeling washed over you as you walked down the hall. One that felt a little bit like confidence. You hadn’t felt that in a long time. It was quickly replaced by nerves at the prospect of what would be happening in 15 minutes, but you did your best to suppress them, the constant feeling of not being good enough entering your mind once again.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was still shining though it was getting nearer to the horizon, there wasn’t a cloud in sight. It was a warm 80 degrees.

He would say it's too hot. He would ask to stay inside. You, however, wanted to enjoy it. And that’s what matters, you reminded yourself.

You put your headphones on as you walked along the cement sidewalk and shuffled your playlist. A song you used to love started playing softly into your ear and your finger itched to change it. You almost pressed skip, but stopped yourself. What was it he always said?

“I don’t get this song. The lyrics are kind of silly, don’t you think?” He grabs your hand and gives you that little smile he always did. The empty one that made you feel small.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll change it.” You reach up and change the station, falling back into the passenger seat and resting your head against the window, not knowing exactly why you felt so sad.

He knew how much you loved that song.

You shook yourself out of your thoughts and tucked your phone away, letting the old song play out. It sparked some of those old feelings in you. The ones you had before you met him. Those feelings of contentment and comfort. Happiness.

“I get this song,” you whispered softly to yourself.

Walked in expecting you'd be late, but you got here early and you stand and wave. I walk to you. You pull my chair out and help me in and you don't know how nice that is, but I do.

You stumbled into the small cafe and began to scan the room for an available small table. You were shocked to see the brunette already occupying a table near the window. Your favorite spot. He had a book out, but you couldn’t read the cover.

Not wanting to disturb him, you walked up hesitantly, prepared to wait awkwardly until he happened to glance upwards, but he noticed you right away, closing his book and shoving it in his bag.

“Hey,” he said as he stood up. A smile quickly took over his adorable features.

“Hi.” You glanced down shyly, and his smile only grew. Before you could move, he reached around behind you and tugged your chair out from its position under the table and gestured for you to take a seat. You stared at him, embarrassingly dumbfounded, before quickly taking the seat and muttering a quick, “thank you.”

A small, unfamiliar feeling began to grow in your stomach, replacing the pesky nerves from earlier.

You didn’t know what it meant, but you knew you liked it.

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid. I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did. I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end.

“And so I ran out of the room, completely covered from head to toe in flour and practically broke down my mom’s door begging for help. She forbade me from baking ever again and I can’t say I blame her.” You smiled proudly as you watched Calum throw his head back and let out the cutest chuckle at your stupid childhood story.

“That’s fucking hilarious. You’re really funny, you know that?” He looked at you in admiration, the most genuine of smiles on his face. Not a hint of the emotion you used to see in his face when he looked at you. One of apparent disdain and resentment. For what, you didn’t know.

You blushed a deep shade of red.

“You really think so?” Your intonation says the questions rhetorical, but you genuinely wondered.

“We hid behind a shower curtain at Kohl’s and won the entire game.” You finish the story up and the entire table erupts in laughter.

“Max, you never said your girlfriend was such a blast, you should bring her around more often,” one of his friends says from across the table. Max laughs a hollow laugh but you don’t think anyone else picks up on it but you. You’ve gotten pretty good at reading him.

“She’s great, isn’t she?” He grabs your hand. It's a compliment so why does it sound like a threat?

The table continues with their conversation and Max’s jaw sets, his grip on your hand tightening,

“Are you trying to make me look bad?” He whispers.

You lean back in your chair, dumbfounded at his ridiculous comment. “What are you talking about, Max?”

“Stop trying to show me up, these are my fucking friends,” he spits. He looks angrier than you’ve ever seen him, his face tinted red. You glance around the table to see if anyone else is noticing this. They aren’t.

“I’m not trying to show you up. I’m sorry.” You feel so small.

“Just shut up, alright? I just want to spend time with my friends without you ruining everything for me.” With that, he turns away, leaving you to hold back your tears.

You didn’t know it, but from that moment on, you would find it hard to talk in group settings. Or to anyone at all. Because whatever he said, you believed.

And you didn’t want to ruin everything.

“Hey, you alright?” Calum asked, reaching out his hand gingerly to touch your shoulder.

You jumped slightly, partially because you were daydreaming and partially because of the jolt of electricity his touch sent up your arm. “I’m sorry, did I scare you, love?” He laughed and you blushed at the pet name.

“Sorry, sorry, I have no idea why I do that sometimes. I’m so sorry.” You repeatedly apologized, growing increasingly flustered. You shook your head in an attempt to brush away the unpleasant memories that plagued your mind.

“Hey, hey,” he reached out and grazed his fingers against your arm again in reassurance and butterflies practically exploded in your stomach, that gut feeling you couldn't identify earlier growing stronger with every passing moment. “You don’t have to apologize. I was just wondering where you went, is all. I’m curious to know what goes on in that pretty head of yours.” Here comes the millionth blush, you thought as you ducked your head down, a cheesy grin on your face.

“If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”

But on a Wednesday in a café I watched it begin again.

You said you never met one girl who had as many James Taylor records as you, but I do. We tell stories and you don't know why I'm coming off a little shy, but I do.

“Do you like music?” He asked, resting his chin in his palm, all his attention on you. Something you weren’t used to. It made a pink flush wash over your cheeks.

You weren’t aware at the time, but Calum found it incredibly endearing.

“I love music.”

“What kind of stuff do you listen to?”

“Honestly, I mean it when I say I’ll listen to anything, but I think I most enjoy alternative. All the different sub categories. Indie, Folk, Punk, Rock, you name it, I’ve probably tried it. I think I like how all-encompassing it is. What about you?” Talking that much made you clam up a little bit, worried you’d seem annoying. He didn’t seem the slightest bit bothered, though, as his fingers began to drum softly on the wood of the cafe table, his other hand stroking his chin in thought.

“I think I’m the same way. I think all genres have some creative element to offer and what I love most about music is the fact that there are so many different kinds.”

You smiled to yourself, running your finger around the rim of your coffee cup.

“What’re you smiling about?” He teased.

“I just like your passion. That's all.” His expression turned bashful and he gently kicked at your feet under the table.

Calum wondered about you. About how you would freeze up or disregard compliments. About how you remained hesitant to share your interests. About your unwillingness to really let him in. About your passive nature. He wondered about how you flinched at his touch. That hurt his heart. He felt the urge to make sure you felt safe with him.

Most importantly, he wondered who would’ve ever tried to hurt someone as gentle as you.

And we walk down the block to my car and I almost brought him up but you start to talk about the movies that your family watches every single Christmas and I would talk about that and for the first time what's past is past.

“You told him you were from France?” Calum struggled to get the sentence out as he was laughing hysterically.

“Yes,” your hands went to cover your face in embarrassment as you let out a pained groan. “I even faked a French accent and everything but ended up getting a detention anyway.”

Calum continued to cry laughing at your story from your formative years. “You were a little rule breaker back then, huh?”

You laughed and kicked a few pebbles on the sidewalk. The breeze had picked up slightly as a storm threatened the skyline. Involuntarily, a shiver traveled up your spine. “I guess I was. No idea how I turned out like the grandma I am.”

He glanced over at you running your hands up and down your arms to ease the goosebumps and immediately started pulling off his leather jacket. You, of course, protested but he insisted and draped the heavy piece of clothing softly over your shoulders, rubbing them affectionately.

“Thank you,” you said, softly, kicking a few more pebbles on the sidewalk as you made your way to the parking garage.

The jacket smelled expensive and woodsy and you felt yourself cuddling into it, the scent feeling so welcoming already.

Calum felt giddy at the sight. You were blissfully unaware.

A comfortable silence filled the evening air and you felt yourself wanting to talk about him. To tell Calum why you don’t let people in. Why he broke you. Calum chuckled to himself and your train of thought dissipated immediately. His laugh practically made you forget your name.

“Have you ever seen A Christmas Story?”

You smiled warmly. “Of course. I love that movie.” And you felt in that moment, a piece of you slipped away. A piece of you that was never really yours… rather, who you were told to be. That happiness sucking, all consuming, toxic piece of you that left you exhausted and resentful. You decided you didn’t want it anymore. You didn’t need him anymore. You never did, you just didn’t know it.

You were you. And that was enough. More than enough. And it felt so fucking good to start to realize it.

That cool evening on that quiet sidewalk next to that cozy cafe with that smiley brown eyed boy was the night you watched it begin again.

204 notes · View notes

babykatsu · 4 years

Text

PAIRING: katsuki bakugou x fem!reader

WORDCOUNT: n/a

RATING: sfw ☁️

GENRE: angst, fluff if you squint

WARNINGS:honestly just kinda sad,no sexual acts, aged up, unrequited love.

⤷ SYNOPSIS: time heals but not in your case. of course it didn’t heal anything. As days passed, it turned to weeks and months and eventually years of you burying down your feelings for katsuki. but nothing could erase the compassion you held for him... maybe after years of bottling up everything, it was time to speak out.

AUTHORS NOTE:

I SPELT IT WRONG IN THE TITLE SORRYYY🥺i’m just going to say sorry in advance for this fic😅😅 i just felt angsts and wrote up something in an hour so here you goooo. pls don’t read if you want something fluffy🥺

‘la douleur exquise

(n.) the heart wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.’

your eyes scanned the magazine, eyes gently falling onto the ‘word of the day’ section. The irony in the chosen word bringing the all to familiar sting in your heart to burst. After years of distancing yourself and trying to move on, your stupid feelings for the boy never went away. Even when you tried to sit down and do one thing to distract your mind from the male who swirled never endlessly in your mind, of course something would bring the memory of him back.

It sucked. No matter where you looked, he was there. Not physically of course, but symbolically.

You want to go out and eat? suddenly you over hear someone ordering the spiciest dish on the menu. You want to listen to music? the song is about unrequited love. You want to go out for a hike? you get stupid mountain climbing leaflets bombarding your vision. HELL, you want to literally just breathe and his scent surrounds you.There’s no escape.

In frustration, you shut the magazine that rested atop your kitchen counter and ignored its existence. This must be some cruel joke. It’s not fair. Maybe it’s selfish to think that way but it’s hard to not wish things were different. Out of all the people in the world it had to be you, stuck with feelings that never faded no matter your countless attempts to rid yourself or them. Fate was really having a laugh, shoving stupid relations of bakugou your way. From his hobbies and interests to his heroic work to flood your social media timeline. It had to be a cruel joke. But unfortunately it wasn’t. This was your reality.

You deeply inhaled as you restated your head in your palms, your elbows on the counter as you dangled your feet from the chair you sat in. You usually refused to let your mind wonder like this, torturing itself with the thought of him, the man you desired most in the world. But today was different, you let the reminiscing come and go as it pleased, taking every smooth emotion blow that came with.

Your thought of your time at u.a, the simpler times. The memory of when you and bakugou had hung out alone for the first time, taking a stroll in some park you didn’t remember the name of. But you remembered one thing for certain, that day you fucked everything up for yourself and fell for the glistening look in his vermillion eyes. you saw a side of him you never even thought existed. Selflessly, he gave you his jacket to you as he watched shivers roll down your body as the evenings cold grew deeper, he cracked a couple jokes and gently wrapped his arm around your shoulder.

It may have just been in a friendly way looking back on it now, but you didn’t know any better at the time. That’s when another thought surfaced.

Graduation day. The way you watched the boy you grew to love slowly fade as time withered away. You smiled and laughed along with the other students but you couldn’t help the glances you shot bakugous way, glances he never returned instead keeping his focus else where. You hadn’t seen him since then. The bittersweet memory of the last hug you two shared that afternoon before going your separate ways. No exchange in mumbers, confessions or the cliche kiss. none of it.

You fell for him when he gestured kindness your way, tricking yourself that the feeling was mutual.

Tears glossed your eyes, blurring your vision, the dim yellow lights in your kitchen scattering across your vision. It’s so pathetic to cry over a boy but you couldn’t help it. Words couldn’t describe the feelings you harboured for him. He was unattainable and you knew it. The countless times he’d reject other girls, constant mention of him not wanting relationships and the blatant friendzoning you received. The signs were all there. Only if you actually noticed it at the time, you wouldn’t be in this predicament now.

You’d do anything to have another chance with him. You couldn’t do anything in peace without the memory of him invading your space. You couldn’t have him, and that only made you want him more. He’s too far out of reach now.

Your tears soon rushed out, trickling down your flushed cheeks, softly splattering on the counter. In frustration you bunched your fists, slamming them down. This isn’t fucking fair. Why can’t this feeling just leave with him? why are you haunted with this draining emotional baggage?

Life isn’t fair...

Years of hoping he’d finally come around only to be left in the dark. Not that you blamed him, he didn’t know how you felt, or at least he avoided it. Another whole year of trying to drown out the feeling, completely unsuccessful. Maybe if you just confessed you’d get closure, maybe even a chance with him? You’re probably just feeding yourself false hope again but you can’t keep these emotions inside you any longer, it hurts too much.

You blinked the tears out your eyes, hoping they’d stop pouring out soon as you grabbed your phone. Twitter. It didn’t take long to find his profile.

Your eyes scanned his profile for a minute, admiring the cocky smirk that sprawled across his lips as he posed for a photo taken by Kirishima, kaminari in the background grinning at the camera. You couldn’t help but smile at the photo as well. You’re glad Katsuki is happy, but the selfish side of you wishes you were the cause for the smile on his face. Before you find something you’d regret seeing on his profile, your finger darts to direct message him. A nervous pit boiled at the bottom of your somach, nervous to shoot him a message. this is far too awkward. Your mouth ran dry as you stared at the glass screen.

It all happened so fast. He was on the way to your apartment after a few other exchanges in text. Fuck. Impulsive emotional decision making is never ideal.

For a moment, you wonder if this will finally be your happily ever after, the one where you so desperately craved to soothe the burning feeling that tormented you. Maybe fate would finally do you a favour and give you a helping hand. Maybe, just maybe.

A loud set of knocks hit your front door. Your heart sank as your nerves kicked in. That was fast.

You wanted to stall for time and not open the door so quickly, maybe even calm down before you were greeted by him for the first time in forever. But there was no time, you promised you wouldn’t waste it.

Speeding to the door, you unlocked it and peered your head through. Knees instantly week as you felt faint at the site of him. Not because of his good looks or anything, but his presence felt so foreign to you now you couldn’t help but feel like this moment wasn’t real. Nervously, you swallowed the lump in your throat.

“want to come in?” you gestured towards the male as you opened the door wider.

You watched him, analysing his expressions, his stance, his clothes. He wore some loose black joggers, paired with the same coloured tank top and sneakers. The familiar jacket warming his body, the jacket he generously offered you time ago.

“no. just get it over and done with” He was most likely grumped than usual due to his lack of sleep.

you were nervous to begin, but you had to let this all out. finally. One last deep breath before you started talking. Suddenly, excitement flooded your system at the prospect of him feeling the same.

“Listen, i’m glad you came all the way here. Honestly. I just wanted to say that, i know it’s strange but i really like you Katsuki”

He cringed at the first name basis as you began your talk.

“I’ve liked you for a long time but i never had the guts to confess. I’m sorry, i know it’s been so long and you’ve probably forgetting everything by now. you know, us being friends and all-“

you wanted to continue talking, the confession bringing a strange soothing feeling to you. But your words were cut short by bakugou.

“Is that all you wanted to say?” his facial expression was unreadable.

“i’m not interested. never was. never will be y/n”

The sudden rejection hit you hard. The little bit of hope you had soon vanished. This wasn’t some fairytale, he wasn’t just magically going to fall for you after all this time. Your dreams were shattered, heart sore and empty as you felt yourself at a loss for words.

“i’m sorry. you deserve better” he spoke once more, his significantly larger hand resting on top of your shoulder.

“but you wasted my time”

you wanted to yell at him, speak maybe. just say anything but your words choked up in your throat. You wasted his time? does he know how much of your time you had wasted on him and you couldn’t even do anything about it. Maybe the rejection will set you free.

You watched as he pulled away, saying his goodbye before shutting the front door behind him. You couldn’t even cry now. he’s gone for good.

He still is unattainable. I guess you could say that the ‘word of the day’ really applied to you right now.

la douleur exquise.

259 notes · View notes

popwasabi · 3 years

Text

“End of Evangelion” and the tempting nature of oblivion

(TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Pain, Depression, Mental Health, Death)

“End of Evangelion” is a perplexing movie to say the least.

Not that the original classic anime “Neon Genesis Evangelion” series ends on exactly the most conclusive note itself, but “End” takes everything that transpired in the series and literally destroys it.

The films ends with Earth experiencing the long foreshadowed Third Impact and all of the planet returning to the primordial “soup,” as fans call it, with its main protagonist Shinji Ikari and comrade Asuka Langley Soryu as the only remaining humans left. A pseudo, twisted rebeginning of Adam and Eve’s Genesis.

The film is fairly divisive among the fans to say the least. Some fans consider it a masterpiece for its nihilistic tone and mind-bending illustrations of body horror and others despised it for being too dark and confusing with no clear explanation of anything that happened in the film’s events. Hell, even the movie’s fans have a difficult time explaining what exactly happens in the narrative.

I was somewhat in the middle with it after I watched it the first time not super long ago. It was certainly abstract, and I like plenty of stories that don’t make it easy for me to understand. The animation is definitely the franchise’s best and I enjoyed the character moments between Shinji, Asuka, and Misato. But it was also, as stated before, dreadfully confusing and still to this day hard to makes heads or tails out of with its plot.

But, as with more than a few movies I have revisited this year, 2020 helped me contextualize one aspect I think the story is concretely trying to get across.

(We’ll save discussion of “Rebuild” for another day...)

At my lowest points not long ago, I had this frequent vision that would crawl across my mind.

I imagined being up in the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, but I wasn’t floating or flying. I was plummeting, falling like a bird without wings at a speed that would definitely kill me once I got to the ground. But I never imagined actually hitting the Earth like a meat-bagged, human sized asteroid. I only ever imagined the falling part. The wind reaching a terminal velocity and the air rushing past my body and you know what look I had on my face?

Happiness.

I was confused a bit by why I kept imagining this moribund fall into oblivion over and over again. I wasn’t suicidal, though I certainly have had thoughts of self-harm plenty of times before and general detachment from life. But why the fuck was I so happy? I’m about to die after all!

What I have come to realize in recent years, as I’ve developed a better understanding of my mental health and what makes me tick, it wasn’t that I wanted to die so much as I wanted the freedom that comes moments before it. The feeling of finally letting go and letting fate/gravity do the rest.

Years of my life failing at various aspects of societal expectations and career obligations from not being able to get the girls I wanted to date so badly, relationships ending poorly, not quite applying myself the way I should’ve in college, and working a plethora of unfulfilling jobs since graduation made me yearn for that release. Just that feeling of saying “fuck it all” and giving in to the void.

I wanted to stop feeling out of control. The way the world is structured often feels like you are on a wild, rapid river flowing in one very stark direction but you desperately want to go the other way. You keep fighting and fighting it and realize after a while you are just swimming in place, you tire out and either float where the river wants you to go or you drown. I wanted neither of those things, I just wanted control and unfortunately part of life is accepting that a very large percentage of it is beyond your power to alter.

2020 made this feeling starkly apparent once again as we were hit with a once in a lifetime global pandemic that has killed 2.21 million people and counting. As common people struggle to find ways to handle the loss of loved ones and the fallout from economic instability those tasked with protecting us have more or less ignored the cries of needy. Hell, they’re fucking miffed that we would even have the audacity to ask for $2000 of our own fucking tax dollars to put a band-aid on the situation. Combine this with an extremely volatile two-party system and late stage capitalism, we are about as out of control as ever in terms of how much we actually can course correct our destinies in a period like this.

It is why so many irony-pilled millennials and gen z-ers are posting dank memes about meteors colliding with the earth over the course of the year. We’ve lived through two recessions, two forever wars, and now a pandemic in our lifetimes while paying off our crippling debt with slave wages and yet boomers still wonder why we are near universally depressed as a generation.

(Seriously, everybody needs a fucking therapist right now...and also to dismantle the fucking system that’s making us depressed!)

This is what I feel is the real heart of “End of Evangelion.” The movie is a lot of things, obviously, but, after the events of this year and looking back on the more depressing parts of my life, I feel this film is about the tempting nature of oblivion. Giving up when things are clearly beyond your control so you can get that sweet but twisted, fleeting sense of freedom from it all.

Director Hideaki Anno didn’t feel too entirely different about the state of life when he made this series and certainly by the time he made “End” he was in a very dark place.

So, quick history lesson, “Neon Genesis Evangelion” debuted in 1994 and quickly became a classic among fans of anime and the giant mech vs monster genre. Critics loved it for its exploration of mental health and depression and of course plenty enjoyed the hell out of it for its giant monster/robot escapism as well. Fast forward to the conclusion of the series, critics and fans especially are far more polarized. I won’t try to explain exactly what happens in the ending and frankly I don’t think anyone can, but that confusion led to quite a bit of outcry by the fans.

Hideaki Anno, the series’ director, received tons of hate mail and death threats following the series conclusion. The fans hated how abstract it was, how it had an undecisive ending and chose to dive into the mind of Shinji instead of conclusively describing the events of the Third Impact with plenty going as far as to say he had “ruined” his own series for them. This made him unfortunately quite depressed himself over the ending he felt creatively fairly content with.

(I think it should be clear who Shinji is mostly likely a stand-in for in this anime...)

The fan reaction was toxic to say the least and all too familiar for many creatives who didn’t adequately satisfy the insatiable vapid needs of their fandom. Anno did not take this well to put it lightly. A man who was known as a delinquent in high school and expelled from the Osaka University of Arts much earlier in his life, and dealt plenty with his own bouts of depression, Anno had plenty of his own demons to sort out and quite clearly wanted to explore that mental state in “Neon Genesis Evangelion.”

I’ll be honest and say that I myself was not fond of the ending either when I watched it the first time as a freshman in college, and even went as far as to describe it as everything that was wrong with anime to friends in the years that followed for a while. I felt it was confusing and “fake deep,” existential for no reason other than because it just wanted to and people were “dumb” if they liked it.

When I rewatched it again as a much older adult when it came on Netflix last year, I found it much more fascinating and interesting. A sort of abstract introspective into the mind of a troubled teenager, who I had written off many years prior as a “whiny baby.” Though I wouldn’t say I completely understand it still, I get it much more now and I think it has a lot to say about depression and mental health.

Unfortunately, most fans did not have that reaction back then and as a result Anno made his true conclusion “End of Evangelion” as a response to that negativity.

(You’re welcome, nerds.)

As mentioned before, “End of Evangelion” is an extremely nihilistic film that seems to one up each dark moment as you traverse its spiraling narrative. It’s a film where things never get better. If you go into it blind expecting that big last minute heroic save the day moment, it’s always teased and never comes. Things just end very badly for everyone. Nobody gets a “happy ending.”

While the ending to the original series is strange for sure, it does end on a light note that can be interpreted in a number of different ways but ultimately positive. With the way fans reacted to it Anno decided to write a big “fuck you” to them by, in many ways, smashing his toys so no one could play with them again. He even went as far as to splice in the actual hate mail he received into the movie to quite clearly show to the audience, as their favorite characters met their grissly ends, that this was their fault.

(“Gee, I wonder what that was all about.” ~ a fan walking out of the theater back in 1997.)

In a way though, Anno created something strangely beautiful from that reaction. “End of Evangelion” is about giving up in some ways and accepting our inevitable doom. There are no easy answers, no workable solutions to achieve a happy ending because sometimes in life there isn’t one. Despite last ditch efforts by Misato, Shinji, and the crew of NERV the world still ends through the Third Impact. But tonally it’s not quite pessimistic; it’s actually positive, in a very twisted sense of course.

Set to the song “Komm Susser Tod” by ARIANNE, the film’s apocalypse can almost be described as a celebration. With people “popping” and turning into the primordial soup they all largely have smiles on their faces as they kind of get what they want whether it’s a desire to reunite with loved ones, to be with people they have crushes on, or happiness that they have sought for so long in the embrace of others. Everyone’s depressed! But now they are happy because it’s finally all over, they don’t have to give a shit anymore.

As the planet lights up like a Christmas tree, there are images of suicide and death that rapidly cross the screen in the form of the Angel’s final transformation but again, nobody is truly sad about it. They all have some kind of twisted smile or joy that they get from it. It’s a shocking film, if you’re not already prepared for what’s going to happen, and provocative to say the least.

youtube

(Can’t decide if I recommend watching this high or not...)

I had no idea what any of it meant at the time when I watched it several years ago (I watched it well after I had seen the original series), and to be fair there are many ways fans have interpreted what exactly took place in the film and have debated endlessly on its meaning for decades now. But at least in my interpretation, after everything we’ve been through this year, “End of Evangelion” to me is about the sweet release of not giving a fuck anymore.

Whether it’s about Anno feeling that way about his own life or the expectations of his fans or both, the film quite clearly doesn’t care about what people may or may not have wanted for Shinji and the NGE characters and is perfectly fine with the way it all comes “tumbling down.”

(He just wants to be with his boyfriend, guys.)

This past July 4th, city fireworks shows were prohibited in my area because they wanted to limit mass gatherings due to COVID but this didn’t stop people from buying plenty of their own to fire off. In what amounted to a collective “fuck you” to everything and 2020, beginning pretty much exactly at dusk people started firing off their at home lightshows like they were mortar gunners in World War I and did not let up until well past midnight. The entire Southern California night sky was lit up not to unlike the thousands of crosses that filled the screen during the Third Impact of “End of Evangelion” and though it could certainly be interpreted as a moment of people patriotically going “Yea, America!” that night, my head canon was much different. It felt like tens of thousands of people across the region just saying “Fuck it” into the night sky at everything; COVID, our horrendous government, police violence, pending World Wars, environmental disaster, and our collective impending doom from it all.

As these fireworks hit their zenith around 9pm I broke out my phone and started playing “Komm Susser Tod” from the movie and it felt perfect. Everyone just wanted to feel that freedom in the moment, that freedom of not giving a damn anymore. To be removed from expectations, from control, from hatred, from pain and it was kind of beautiful in a sick way.

And that’s what “End of Evangelion” feels like to me now; kind of beautiful in a sick way.

(Not saying the LA skyline looked like this exactly but it felt like it haha...)

There are still many ways to interpret Hideaki Anno’s cult classic, and it’s part of its charm but I think the take away fans should have is definitely not that suicide is ok but that we get it. We understand why people have those feelings and why it feels freeing to desire the void and oblivion. It’s a pity that the series most toxic fans didn’t get that clue through the original finale but Anno, not a person who likes being shoved around, clearly created perhaps the most twistedly beautiful “fuck you” to that in anime history.

As we enter 2021 all I can say is it’s ok to feel like this, it’s ok to desire freedom from the relentless gloom and doom of the world and people’s prying expectations of what they think you “should” be. No one blames you. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to survive the apocalypse we have zero control over, so the least we can do is be a bit nicer and considerate of one another.

At least it’ll make the Third Impact more pleasant whenever it eventually comes...

Happy New Year, everyone!

Congratulations on surviving 2020! Have fun in 2021...

#neon genesis evangelion #end of evangelion #evangelion #hideaki anno #anime #japan #90s #vintage anime #2020 #apocalypse #covid #mental health #depression #sadness #horror #shinji #covid19 #quarantine

43 notes · View notes