#in all i think it was a problem with self awareness rather than commitment on his part
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Thinking about this some more, I don't think that Ed systematically dismembering Izzy is entirely centered on Stede, but on what Stede represented as well, and what has been done to Ed himself, independent of Stede.
(Please note, I'm not casting a moral judgment on characters' actions here, but trying to explain what it seems to mean to the narrative and the character arcs and development, both literally as well as figuratively.)
When we first meet Ed, he's already tired and bored, to the point that he says that the only adventure left will be death. The alternative that Stede represents isn't just the man himself, and the love that Ed develops for him, but the possibility that life can be more than being "just Blackbeard."
There's a lot of discussion of Ed being allowed to be "just Ed," but in a lot of ways the things that Ed is are a whole combination of personas and realities. Blackbeard is a persona, yes, and it's also a part of him - it enables him to survive, it protects him, and it ultimately comes to protect the people he loves, including Stede. The problem is that Blackbeard has so completely taken over Ed—in large part due to Izzy, but also due to Ed's fears about his identity—that he doesn't know who he is outside of the persona.
Stede gives him space and encouragement to explore who he is, just as he does with the rest of the Revenge crew. He sees Ed as Ed first, he listens to Ed's complaints about how he's depicted in the caricature, and he encourages Ed to try different things, from going to a fancy party to going on a treasure hunt, finding excitement in the discovery of a petrified orange, storytime with the crew, enjoying good brandy, putting on a fun show.
None of it is prescriptive—most of the things they do are up to Ed whether or not to participate in, and many are proposed by Ed himself. Stede never condescends. It's not Stede remaking Ed in his own image, but lending him support in what he wants to try, and protecting him when he's hurt. Stede barely seems aware that he's doing it. He sees no reason not to encourage Ed in what makes Ed happy - and what winds up making Ed happy is Stede himself.
So Izzy's constant threats against Stede are more than just threats against the man Ed loves, but the entire process of Ed discovering his own identity. Izzy is fully invested in maintaining who Blackbeard is—and he makes it clear that "Blackbeard" is indeed that violent caricature—and there is no flexibility outside of that. So the more Ed becomes an independent person, the harder Izzy pushes back and the more he threatens the existence of the man who "did something to my boss's brain."
When Stede leaves, as many have pointed out, Ed doesn't suddenly go back to being Blackbeard. It's the combination of very deep grief and self-loathing and the violence committed by Izzy as he insists Ed become Blackbeard rather than "whatever this thing you've become" that result in the Kraken. Ed's breakdown is catalyzed in the stripping away of pieces of himself—all the happiness, all the fun, all the things that were building on repressed desires and needs, severed from his soul. He does this emotionally and psychologically, but also physically—throwing out books, slashing up paintings, removing all traces of softness and gentleness.
Izzy announces that "Blackbeard is himself again," as though this identity, the caricature of violence, is all that Ed is, and the joy and softness that Stede helped Ed find in himself was never real (an echo, in some ways, of Ed's mother telling him that "we're just not those kinds of people," though this time emanating from a monstrous father).
Ed is aware of what is being killed inside him, and specifically what role Izzy plays in his self-murder, because Ed has been dying bit by bit for years. He externalizes his suffering and the monstrosity that has been forced upon him and starts, almost immediately, cutting away pieces of Izzy's body, bit by bit. The final taking of the leg is the physical manifestation of Izzy severing Stede, and all the softness and gentleness, and love, he represented, from Ed's soul.
Nearing the end of that scene, Ed turns his back on Izzy and spreads his arms. Izzy starts laughing hysterically, telling him "clean up your own fucking mess, I'm not doing it, I've been doing it all my fucking life." Izzy still doesn't understand, though Ed has once more told him, fairly explicitly, exactly why he no longer has a leg. And Ed is resigned—he'll go and die a different way, knowing that Izzy still doesn't understand what he did to him.
Because at that moment, Ed’s fully convinced that Izzy has indeed killed Edward Teach - that all that is left is the monstrosity of the Kraken, with the softness finally cut away. That's not the end, of course, because Ed isn't the Kraken, but it will never be Izzy who helps him to see that and embrace life again. It will be Ed himself, who works through his hatred of himself, then hears a voice begging him to live and decides that he wants to.
#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd season 2#ofmd meta#my wee thoughts#stede bonnet#edward teach#ed teach#kraken ed#blackbeard#izzy hands#tw: abuse#gif#i think there's a lot more to be said about this but also i'm tired of talking about izzy
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OKAY CAUSE LISTEN. (till character analysis let’s go) (apologies in advance this is LONGG)
if till is actually in love with mizi then there is literally no outcome in which him and ivan are happy.
because 1) he’ll never love ivan as long as mizi is alive, and 2) even if he thinks mizi is dead, ivan will only ever be a rebound, the second choice he turned to when mizi wasn’t an option.
however, i would like for you to consider that maybe, instead, the problem is that till doesn’t know how to properly process or identify his feelings. i would like to propose that maybe he misinterpreted his feelings for mizi as love when in actuality he views her as some unattainable idol to covet but not actually connect with (like parasocial relationships).
meanwhile, ivan was always there for him and slowly became a support system till didn’t even know he had. because even if he didnt feel LOVE for ivan, they definitely had a REAL relationship—arguably more real than anything he ever had with mizi. all of their interactions are just like. much more RAW than anything till ever had with mizi if that makes sense. because all we’ve ever seen him doing with her is admiring from afar and sacrificing things for her in secret that she never asked for, nor wanted from him. while with ivan they actually hung out with absolutely no expectations of anything between them (on till’s side at least. it wasn’t a performative relationship to be this self sacrificing person for ivan like it would’ve been if he were talking to mizi. which is ironically a much more healthy basis for a relationship. to fully see the person as being equal to you without putting them on a pedestal)
i think till’s way of coping with everything was finding someone else outside himself to live for and idolize. his entire life was built around mizi, every choice he made committed with her in mind (like when he chose to stay in the garden rather than escaping for her sake). and once she’s ripped away, he’s left feeling empty and aimless—the center of his very world is no longer there.
HOWEVER.
this is shaken by ivan’s death. even though mizi was always his center, he can’t exactly not be affected by someone who’s been at his side for YEARS. and, unlike with mizi, their bond was definitely real and very much tangible for BOTH sides (despite meaning different things for each of them). but when ivan died FOR him, till felt something that was very real and very confusing which was very much a mixture of raw emotions he wasn't prepared to face feeling from anyone apart from mizi. because while mizi is his ideal, i think his feelings about her were always accompanied by a sense of disconnect because they didnt have any actual basis for this bond beyond till simply yearning for her. but with ivan. they were friends. they trusted each other by this point, and ivan has shown that he cares for till REPEATEDLY throughout them knowing each other. and.
i think till subconsciously acknowledged that ivan was important to him, even if just as a background support in his life. someone he hung out with without thinking about it too much. and i think that sense of care came very gradually too. because ivan is a weird mf but he still managed to worm his way into till’s world, and now he’s a staple there, even if till himself isn’t aware of that.
mainly just my vibe here is that his feelings surrounding ivan are very messy and complicated (as real life emotions tend to be) and that wasn’t what till was looking for when he was younger. he needed something stable, something he could look at and idolize from afar. something he could dedicate his messed up life to without having to worry about other complicated feelings. and that was what mizi was to him. a purpose to live that was unchanging because no matter what till himself did or what happened to him, it didn’t affect HER. and that was comforting. but ivan existed outside of his little ideal. and he was a real person who (unfortunately :/ ) made till feel real things that were outside of his control. which wasnt what he needed when he was younger—he needed stability. but i think in the end he had the most chance of an actual developed, healthy, and consistent relationship with ivan.
that is, if bro wasnt dead 🙏🙏🕊🕊
#rip ivan you would have (you always have) loved till#character analysis but it’s actually just me projecting#alien stage#alien stage till#till alien stage#alnst till#alnst#i have a chronic case of not being able to stfu once i like a character#if you managed to make it this far thank you ily#alnst spoilers
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Iruka x Reader x Kakashi Love Triange Headcanons
Tags/Warnings: No Reader Pronouns
𓆃 Hm... I guess you have a decision between a mentally stable, emotionally intelligent man with no commitment issues who is willing to settle down and give you anything you could humanly ask for... and Kakashi.
𓆃 Okay, perhaps that's not entirely fair, but that's certainly how Kakashi is bound to think.
𓆃 Due to the nature of the shinobi profession, most shinobi start young and retire young compared to other jobs. Even older shinobi take on less field work in favor of other high leadership opportunities.
𓆃 And at some point, a shinobi has to decide what their career path is going to be like, given that they're all so varied. This is likely to be the main point of contention when it comes to your triangle dynamic.
𓆃 Now, Iruka and Kakashi don't really know each other. Sure, Iruka is a prominent teacher at the academy and him and Kakashi have had professional interactions, but they aren't necessarily friends.
𓆃 And honestly, most of the triangle hinges on how they view each other rather than how they view you.
𓆃 Clearly, they view you positively and romantically, but pursuing you in spite of each other is where they almost get wrapped up in themselves in a way that a traditional "love triangle" typically doesn't function.
𓆃 They're both aware of their mutual interest in you. Kakashi is bound to figure this out first since he tends to have a sharper eye for these sorts of things, but Iruka isn't too far behind.
𓆃 You'll have a wonderful friendship with Kakashi and Iruka, which serves as the foundation for your budding relationships and their interactions with each other.
𓆃 The stand-up men they are, all Kakashi and Iruka want is for you to be happy... they just can't agree on what that means.
𓆃 Kakashi sees Iruka as a stable partner who can provide for you and who you won't have to worry about losing. He knows that he's emotionally unavailable and struggles when it comes to commitment. He believes that until his inner problems are 100% fixed, he's not ready for a long-term relationship and is a serial self saboteur.
𓆃 Meanwhile, Iruka doesn't consider himself to be someone with a lot to offer. He's a chūnin who's been in the same position his whole life. Teaching isn't very glamorous, and he considers the dynamic you have with Kakashi to be more exciting for you.
𓆃 He perceives Kakashi as able to offer you a more fulfilling like compared to his "boring routine."
𓆃 Sometimes, they make meaningful eye contact when the three of you are together, and the communication varies each time.
𓆃 Sometimes, it's Kakashi communicating that you've had a really bad day and your level of upset is more in Iruka's skill range. Or maybe you're leaving a party, and Iruka is telling Kakashi that he should probably walk you home.
𓆃 What's a truly juicy dynamic is if you're dating them at the same time. Perhaps you're casually dating because you're already thinking about your future as a shinobi. Or maybe you're a civilian who's anxious about dating shinobi men.
𓆃 But they know. They do know that you're dating the both of them trying to feel out of you want to make anything official if anything else. And they're cool with it for the most part.
𓆃 If you happen to have a, "wait... the two of you know each other?" moment, expect more meaningful eye contact.
Thank you to all who liked, reblogged, followed, and supported. Your support means so much and is greatly appreciated.
Notes: GREAT NOW I WANT TO WRITE THIS WHOLE CASUAL DATING SCENARIO
#iruka umino x reader#Kakashi x reader#Kakashi hatake x reader#iruka umino#iruka#kakashi#Kakashi hatake#naruto#naruto x reader#naruto x y/n#naruto x you#naruto headcanon#reader insert#naruto headcanons#x reader#x you
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What do you think of Majin Buu's redemption?
Complicated. Buu's arc isn't... I wouldn't really call it a redemption, so much? It's closer to a child learning right from wrong for the first time. Just. Muddied by the extent of the wrongs Buu committed in ignorance.
Morally speaking, Majin Buu is a very complicated character that operates on an eldritch scale. He doesn't map 100% onto a relatable human experience.
The original state of Buu, colloquially known as Kid Buu or Pure Buu, is effectively a mindless killing machine.
Like. That's not to say that he's a zombie or something. Pure Buu demonstrates creative attacks, learns moves from watching others perform them, and is capable of advanced problem-solving.
But by the same token, he doesn't really seem... self-aware. Pure Buu's behavior is more akin to a feral beast than a sentient person.
I would compare him to a robot. He's capable of learning, applying knowledge, and working out solutions to obstacles in front of him. But he has no sense of self, identity, or real understanding of the universe around him; Only a program that he uses his comprehension to carry out.
He's making advanced calculations, rather than informed choices. He exists for the singular purpose of purging all things that exist.
No, Goku. He does not. He is not interested in fighting you. He is not interested in anything. He is executing Annihilation.exe.
The only reason the fight on the Kaioshin world can even happen is because their god-world apparently can't be blown up.
This is what writing yourself into a corner with protagonists who can't breathe in space and a villain who blows up any planet he touches looks like.
Even Buu himself doesn't like this version of him. He practically begs Goku and Vegeta not to erase his identity and personality.
This is the foundation that Buu starts from: A killing machine programmed to destroy. But then he absorbed the Daikaioshin or The Great God of the World Kings and developed an intellect and personality.
(Given that Dragon Ball's mythology is rooted in Japanese Buddhism, it's likely no coincidence that Daikaioshin and by association Fat Buu has a Buddha-like appearance.)
Fat Buu is a lot like Piccolo Jr., with the difference being that the reincarnated Piccolo was very adult-coded while Buu is clearly meant to be taken as a child. Nonetheless, he's the first aspect of Buu to be self-aware enough to become capable of moral agency. Daikaioshin's influence on his mind made him more intelligent, turning him from a mindless killing machine into an impulsive and easily influenced child.
Look at him in that center panel. Just. Thinking about what Goku said. Mulling it over in his head. Like, he was onboard with this whole "Do what I say because I have power over you" thing but now that you mention it....
Goku does not get enough credit for being the one to kill Babidi. This rolled up to him. He straight-up ended Babidi with a question.
In this form, Buu does vile things, to be sure.
But as the text box says: He's a child at play. Majin Buu at this point has the moral complexity of a five-year-old. He's not really evil; He just... doesn't know better. He's never been taught better, and so his actions are almost paradoxical in nature.
Legit, one of my favorite chapters of the entire Buu arc is when he encounters a starving blind kid and heals his blindness so he can be properly afraid of him. Then winds up making friends.
Nuked that town and also he made that milk by Candy Beaming a human being so that's horrifying. And yet, you can see the peculiarity of his villainy even this early. Buu craves approval, even though he's been taught to care only about destruction and carnage.
Craves it so much that bringing an end to his carnage is as simple as asking him to stop.
And that's that. It's really not so much a redemption story as it is a child being taught better. Mr. Satan was the first person ever to actually say to this thinking form of Majin Buu, "Hey, that's bad. Don't do that. It's bad."
The first person to try parenting him instead of fighting him. (To be fair, it would have been impossible to parent him before Goku's semantic homicide of Babidi.)
Once this form of Buu returns in the final battle, he still isn't really a moral actor. He becomes a protagonist out of nepotism.
(Yeah, Viz uses Hercule instead of Mr. Satan because they hate fun. HAIL SATAN.)
After Satan asks him to please stop being bad, Buu becomes morally neutral. He's effectively Satan's uncontrollable toddler. He doesn't comprehend high-minded ideals of good or evil; He's an emotional and impulsive creature who cares about his bestie.
Which, to be honest, puts him in good company. Most of the cast of Dragon Ball are ex-assholes who don't so much have a traditional redemption story, but instead just... stop doing the thing. They used to be assholes, and then, for one reason or another, they stopped.
It's actually something I find really grounded about the way Dragon Ball handles its cast. Most of the characters in the series are like this, to varying degrees of past heinousness. There's none of the gravitas of atonement or redemption questing or the Big Moment of Redemption. They just. Stop being assholes and become some guy.
Piccolo is a rare exception.
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Xehanort and Friendship
I’m such a big fan of the concept that Xehanort and explicitly Terranort do think that his friends are his power. But more specifically him abusing his friends is what gives him power.
Because when you look throughout Xehanort’s story and how far he’s gotten you see how his power is built by taking the good will, love, and acceptance that others have given him and using it for the power of evil. It’s not that he doesn’t use the power of friendship. He just doesn’t give his ”admirers” (and those that worship him out of fear) much in return.
His friend’s being his power is why he consistently is seen rubbing shoulders with others. Why he calls the organization his “Friends”, why he choses to hunt those who he has connected with in the past. He didn’t kill, maim, and later puppet around random “Nobodies” (unintended pun). He chose to hunt for people he knew intimately for years. The people he had known since he was a baby(Ventus, Marluxia, Larxene), the children he saw grow up (Riku, Ienzo), he didn’t just chose the guys next door. He chose people that cared for him too much to hurt him at first. He chose those whose hearts he could see into.
Xehanort’s dynamic with Eraqus in BBS (and the 23 year old timeskip in DR) and Terranort’s speech in KH3 was so important to his character. In KH3 quite literally says, “The chains of your friendship is what binds you” while using chains to bash them into the floor in the KH3 climax. He knows that they care too much to hurt him when he’s in BBS and Terranort. His ability to hurt them is because of how close he is to them.
In BBS, Eraqus is hopeful that he can “fix Xehanort” but Xehanort’s aware that Eraqus is attempting to do so. He completely takes advantage of Eraqus’ willingness to accept Xehanort. Eraqus’ hope for better, his savior complex is a part of his plan. I could go on for hours about how Eraqus’ savior complex and self-confidence that he will essentially talk-no-jutsu Xehanort out of his issues is how Xehanort and Eraqus end up where they are in BBS. Eraqus thinks that he can just hug the problems out of Xehanort. In fact, Xehanort barely hides his evils for a second around Eraqus, and yet Eraqus still forgives him unflinchingly. He has literally admitted to great villainy while Eraqus makes googly eyes at him at age 82! That’s some commitment to the “I can fix him” ideology.
This issue is brought to light even further in DR where Xehanort and Eraqus fight over Vor thinking about leaving the group. Eraqus tells Vor that it’s best that friends remain friends forever, while Xehanort mocks this idea wholesale and verbally tells Vor to ignore him and leave. Here, Xehanort questions the idea if being close with Eraqus is as “good” as a deal as he advertises. Eraqus sees himself and friendship as a whole, as a permanent and neverending good. Something that can fix every issue, heal all wounds. And Xehanort disagrees, seeing friendship as something that changes, and also something that can be unhealthy. He sees a neverending friendship with Eraqus as a trap, even when he is currently friends with Eraqus. When Eraqus pitches a fit over Vor drifting away as a friend, Xehanort gets very snippy, and equates being his friend as a type of imprisonment of sorts. He confronts the idea that Eraqus’ savior complex in it’s early stages is an ends up controlling and trapping his friends. (This later becomes deeply hypocritical as Xehanort quickly veers into literally turning his friends into meat puppets... but ya know). But this is where Xehanort’s opinions of friendship being a tool rather than being an emotional relationship becomes apparent.
(Don’t get me started on how the MoM quite literally talks to Xehanort about how people can love you as a type of darkness to cast doubt on Eraqus’ relationship with Xehanort, while also forshadowing Xehanort manipulating Eraqus in return. The MoM names things like jealousy, possessiveness, and attachment issues, as things that are soon to follow in their friendship.).
Xehanort, especially since his powers hinge on other’s hearts, sees love and friendship as transactional. It’s all about what he can get out of it. Sora is using the power of friendship, Xehanort is abusing it. He’s aware that these people would kill for him, die for him, even become him. He simply doesn’t care. Xehanort is very convinced of the power of friendship. He’s just selfish and knows that people can give him power, and he can give nothing in return. That’s a huge part of his martyr/God complex mess he has going on.
He is quite literally the: “I would die for you,” “You will” interaction personified.
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Holy fuck this got long.
@glorhatransgal asked about my "queer timeline", and I'm making a separate post for reblog control. Feel free to engage in the replies or my DMs, though! I'm a pretty open book, except some stuff I would rather leave to DMs.
The tl;Dr is that I think I knew from the time I started puberty, but I had a weird commitment to suppression and misery. I've only managed to tackle that feeling in the past year or so, and I still need to socially transition.
Long long thing under the cut with mental health CWs!!!!!
I'm pretty sure the first awareness I had of queerness was when California proposition 8 was a thing, in the 2008 election. I was ~10 or 11 at the time, and asked my mom what the big deal with letting two men marry was. She explained a bit, explained that "you'll like girls when you get older but you shouldn't judge what other people do" and then emphasized that I shouldn't really ever worry about dating or relationships ever because I should focus on school.
That was a HUGE underlying theme, not just from my parents, but from the area I grew up in overall. Very high academic pressure just kinda.... Oozed out of everywhere, without any one specific parent or teacher particularly overemphasizing it (with notable exceptions). This came up a lot, and made me feel stupid or vain for engaging in any other aspects of my personality, including queerness.
I remember having some semblance of trans thoughts back in Middle School, without ever learning what trans people are explicitly. None of the adults in my life wanted to discuss the subject, mostly brushing it off as "it's something other people do and you shouldn't judge them". Very little explicit hate, to be fair, which is good. But a lot of changing the subject. So to me, it felt like basic vanity- eg, a shallow desire to be "pretty" that everyone had, of course, that I just needed to get rid of to focus on academics.
And of course, on top of that, I was more tech literate than the average kid. So my head was stuffed with the.... Unique.... Perspective on queerness, particularly trans people, provided by the unrestricted wilderness of the 2009-2016 internet. Since no adult in my life would really address it, it gave me a lot of really bad perspectives on the whole thing.
I'm not quite sure when bisexuality entered the picture, but I called myself "straight with exceptions" from the ages of 14 to 21 at least. My earliest clear memory of being attracted to a man was when I saw Aragorn in LotR for the first time (can you blame me?). If you want to make fun of my little nerd ass more, my first distinct attraction to a woman was probably Padme's midriff outfit in Attack of the Clones. Again, since my head was stuffed with weird ideas of queerness, gayness was often portrayed as a disgust or lack of attraction to women. I didn't have that, so I couldn't be queer, right? "Straight with an asterisk" it was.
Dysphoria kinda crackled in the background and grew as I went through puberty. The way I've described it is that my "resting state" was never happy pre-HRT. I could easily make myself happy and distract from it, but I didn't "come home" to a good feeling. Not an overwhelming feeling, not a suicidal one, but just being miserable in the background if there wasn't something to make me happy.
So when I hit a wall with my mental health in high school, it ended very poorly. I was in mostly advanced programs until then, but couldn't keep up due to things I *now* realize were ADHD symptoms. I had ongoing physical health problems that meant orthopedic surgeries, multiple extended times on crutches, limping around a lot, and ongoing pain and lack of physical ability that most people couldn't see, making me feel hopeless about my body and future. Add in a nice little dysphoria bundle in the background of all of that…and yeah. That's the self harm and suicidal period of my life. I was very weird in high school, oscillating between AP classes and almost failing out. I was also really just... Nasty to a lot of people around me, as a shield for how miserable I was. So uh, if you knew me in high school and stumble across this somehow... I am truly sorry. But I made it through, mostly through the patience and good graces of friends and teachers.
Anyways. I'm on a tangent.
Undergrad wasn't that memorable for my queerness- I lived at home while attending a local state college, and dated one cis girl for about a year there. Years later she told me that she realized she's bi, so that was kinda validating. I dove a lot into a academics, research, and volunteering to distract myself, and was academically successful.
I was asked out by a gay guy at one point in undergrad. He was someone who I had talked about my uncertain sexuality with and helped me work towards calling myself bi. When he asked me out, I got a bad vibe, and told him I actually thought I was straight. He was later arrested for rape. So uh... Bullet dodged? After his arrest, I started openly calling myself bisexual, but didn't really do anything with it- no dating and no community. It was a long time coming by that point, and the experience made me realize that I didn't have to be attracted to *all* men to say I'm attracted to men. After all, I wasn't attracted to all women either.
I graduated from undergrad in 2020 and stayed at the same uni for my MS. And this is where we enter "how much do I say" territory. My MS was instrumental in figuring out my transness, but was also a fucked up ongoing situation that involves several other people's dirty laundry that I don't necessarily want to air. I can talk a bit more about this in DMs if I know you and trust you, I guess. Sorry OP. So uuuhhh... Let's just say that I was extremely miserable and living mostly alone, so in the Fall of 2020, I ordered my first skirt to try and alleviate that background misery. I called myself a femboy as a last ditch effort to “just be a feminine man”. It was a key part of figuring myself out, though, and I loved the online community I made that way. About a year afterwards, I was having a shit time, and started the CatboyBiologist account on reddit to distract myself from it. I worked more and more from home, and would dress up as a "femboy" as I did.
I graduated from my MS in 2022 in a miserable state, probably worse than I was even as a teen. But it made me realize three things: one, some kind of mental illness made it really easy for my life to derail, two, my dysphoria made it such that *when* my life derailed, I had nothing to be happy about, and three, my weird standards growing up gave me the subconscious sense that I HAVE to be miserable, otherwise I'm not "accomplished" or whatever.
That's kind of the theme of my queer experience. I always knew it was there, but I excused it as "stupid" or just ignored it because I thought everyone was supposed to be miserable by default.
When I entered my PhD, I made a promise to myself to get rid of my weird connection to misery, and actually work on the first two. I joined a grad student queer group and started therapy almost immediately. At first the focus of therapy was essentially immediate trauma support. Slowly, however, I was able to tackle the underlying issues in therapy. I also brought my "femboy" fits to events organized by that queer org, and social events with the friends I made there. I fully engaged in my bisexuality and had a hot girl summer last year, dating men, women, and enbies for the first time since my undergrad GF.
Oh, and btw. Being a feminine man gets you laid. I'm sorry, it's just how it is. Take notes, alpha males, and put on the fucking dress.
With that support, I finally started HRT in August of last year, at the age of 25. I'm still a mix of boymode and girlmode- I girlmode around queer friends, and boymode most of the time otherwise. I've also told several people that I'm transitioning, but just to treat me as a man for now and wait for me to come out more publicly. My plan is to take a hiatus from my PhD this summer, and use that to travel and socially transition. So that's my upcoming landmark experience.
Up until this past month or so, I was the happiest I've ever been. Some out of the blue bad things happened this January. But I realized something- for the first time ever, bad shit happened in my life, and I didn't derail. I was sad. I cried. I was frustrated. I yelled. I had dynamic emotions and handled it. That's never happened before.
Obviously it's always an ongoing process, and it's linked to so many details of my life that it's really hard to say things about “just my queer experience” but uh yeah. Idk if anyone read all that and I'm taking multiple passes to trim out details that got too personal, but fuckit I'm already extremely doxxable at this point.
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Can we stop to talk about the conversation with Atton where he rambles about women and the idea of love? Because good lord can this man project like a movie theater. We're talking fractal projection. Give him a frickin' medal, because it's projection all the way down.
It's a very missable bit of dialogue. You can only get it with a male Exile, and only then if you've cheesed off Brianna by causing her influence to dip 30 points below Visas's. Unfortunately, this also causes Brianna to permanently stop talking to you, so this is something you're only ever gonna see by accident. I only learned that could even happen pretty recently, and that's with maybe 6 male Exile playthroughs under my belt. I guess I'm just very thorough about exhausting everyone's dialogue options all the time.
So. Brianna's permanently cut herself off as a companion, courtesy of Kreia whispering in her ear, and that sucks. But at least your trashman pilot has something to say about it... and whoa boy is it a consolation prize. Atton proceeds to launch into an arm-around-your-shoulders buddy talk that has exactly nothing to do with your problems and everything to do with his personal issues.
Exile: The Handmaiden lost her temper with me.
Atton: Oh, there's a surprise. Trust me, she's a handful - all warriors are. They're not used to dealing with things they can't punch, kick, or break. Look, I know how it is. Me, there's no denying that I'm a good-looking guy. You have it worse, because even though you might not be as good-looking as me, you have that whole tortured past, that command presence. Women want to save you. They think they can help you.
Exile: What are we talking about?
Atton: They think that everyone can be redeemed, and that they're the only ones who can do it. And you don't know if it's you, or the idea of you that they love.
Exile: [Awareness] Are we talking about me or you?
Atton: We're just talking. Like I said, I've never understood women. It's possible they don't love you at all. That they just want to help you... help you hear yourself if you've gone deaf to your own voice. We all lose our way sometimes, and we need someone to pull us back.
Exile: [Awareness] Sounds like you've had that experience before.
Atton: Don't remember. Truth is, I still don't listen to my conscience even when it's shouting. I think there's times I'd rather be completely deaf than hear it. But all this talk doesn't matter. I'm not qualified to give advice. Besides, when I open my mouth, I'm usually lying anyway.
Like. Just. Holy shit, Atton. Yeah, he's clearly talking about the Jedi who tried to save him, but there's so much more to unpack in here. Let's break it down.
“Women want to save you. They think they can help you.” - Atton wants to save you. He wants to be the hero to your story, something he projects at Mical (to the latter's confusion), but which can also be read into a lot of his actions – when he starts taunting the assassin on Telos to draw heat off you, when he runs out on Nar Shaddaa to give you medpacs and do the same thing with the bounty hunters. The hard evidence is on Malachor. If Atton dies, he says it outright: “Did I save you yet?” And if he falls to the Dark Side, he tells Mical that “he wanted to protect [the Exile], to help her” before he lost his chance.
“They think that everyone can be redeemed, and that they're the only ones who can do it.” - Yeah, it's not really about helping the Exile. Atton needs to be the one that 'saves' you, as a balm to his own lack of purpose and self-worth, and he gets real pissy if anyone else does a better job helping you – or god forbid gets close to you. He's constantly insecure, he's unhappy with most new party members when they join up and, and seriously, the only crime Mical ever committed was being a genuinely good dude in a crew full of misfits. Too bad the galaxy's greasiest pilot reads that as a threat.
“And you don't know if it's you, or the idea of you that they love.” - Atton's attraction to you in a nutshell, and that's before you get the question of Force Bonds involved. Like, seriously. Does he genuinely love you as a person, or is he in love with you as an ideal – as someone who could stop running and face the music for their unforgivable crimes, as someone who actually tries to fix the damage they did? As someone who can still find it in them to care about people after the war broke them down? As a Jedi that actually lives up to the ideal both the Council and Revan failed to? As someone he believes he can relate to, because he thinks he knows your reasons for what you did? Are you a stand-in for his dead Jedi and his hundred conflicting feelings over her? Is he just in love with the idea of having a purpose and wants someone he can bury himself in? Is the idea of martyring himself and finally dying for a reason what he's really obsessed with? Pick your flavor, because who knows! He certainly doesn't!
“It's possible they don't love you at all.” - While this has a lot to do with him wondering why the hell anyone would have tried to save him, I also think this is him reflecting on his own confused feelings towards the Exile. They might not be romantic with an M!Exile (or if they are, he's having intense bi denial), but they're absolutely there and he does not know what to make of them.
“That they just want to help you... help you hear yourself if you've gone deaf to your own voice. We all lose our way sometimes, and we need someone to pull us back.” - This has nothing to do with the Exile, the Handmaiden, or anyone who isn't an ex-Sith assassin who had empathy forcibly shoved into their brain after years of progressively more fucked-up descent into all-consuming hatred.
“Truth is, I still don't listen to my conscience even when it's shouting.” - He almost gets away with this one, but Atton's deep in denial here. He doesn't want to hear it, but he can't turn it off, the same way he can't stop feeling things when he used to have total control of his emotions (because he barely felt anything at all.) It's all why he can't go back to who he was, even though he badly misses the certainty he used to feel. Atton is a pro at ignoring his conscience, which definitely has nothing to do with how much he hates himself, total coincidence... but as soon as the Exile gets involved, that goes out the window, because Atton's self-preservation glitches out. Their Force wound tugs on his better nature... or it yanks at his opposite. And if that happens, Atton is very aware of what's happening to him. He succumbs, but he has more to say on the Exile's fall than anyone short of Kreia. And light or dark, his (im)moral compass gets jarred from 'cover my own ass' to 'protect the Exile' and he repeatedly sticks his neck out for no gain, so yeah, I call bullshit here. He's smack in the middle of his biggest crisis of conscience since the Sith.
“Besides, when I open my mouth, I'm usually lying anyway.” Well, at least he admits it.
#kotor ii#kotor 2#atton rand#disaster man extraordinaire#slaps ribbed jacket#this bad boy can fit so much projection in it#you can also get atton to say she woke him up inside and i cannot possibly react to this in any other way than yelling evanescence lyrics#happy may the 4th!#have some highly specific analysis on a 19-year-old game
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Surge's character confuses me, one time she has finally awareness of the fact that she's been mind controlled which is the reason why she's a bad person in the first.
But on one hand she'd rather fight Sonic than, y'know, fucking Starline.
Which got me to hate her in all honesty, cause if she actually is that aware then she should be tackling the problem, but instead, we have to sit and read of her being a complete moron for maiming the wrong person ( while yes, Sonic is somewhat at fault for what happened to her, but again, it all happened just to make Sonic a stupid walking pacifist when in canon he's actually far more good of a judge than that ).
Flynn could've just made her a villain with a different alterior motives, instead of having to shoehorn a problem that should never have existed just so it could flanderize Sonic even more.
Cause fuck this 'It's Sonic's fault for being a pacifist' bullshit.
Perhaps I'm looking too deeply into this, but I think the idea behind Surge is precisely this: she is aware that she is programmed to hate Sonic, she has genuinely no reason to hate Sonic, but she does so anyway because it's the only thing she has in her life.
Blaming Sonic for her woes doesn't make a lick of sense. I'm going to link to the FAQ, and redirect you to “Sonic's forgiveness allowed Starline to get away scot-free, and Surge and Kit are the consequences of that”. But this can still work if you imagine that Surge is desperate to find a proper reason to hate Sonic like her program dictates! She is literally not in her right mind.
That's not how the story frames it, though. Sonic's response to Surge vomiting all of her trauma to him is basically "yall hear summ", and then in the middle of the fight he insists that he did nothing wrong and that's where his memetic speech about freedom comes from. This is a serious debate they're having! Over nothing! Sonic's influence over Surge and Kit's existence is so indirect you might as well blame Eggman's parents!
IDW keeps doing this. Characters berate Sonic for things that he shouldn't be berated for, such as being "responsible" for S&K or not killing Mr. Tinker, but the story conveniently glosses over his actual mistakes, such as letting Metal go for no good reason or insisting that Eggman will eventually "come around" based on the behavior of his brain damaged self :) this is what makes this "conflict" so irritating. The writing pretends to call Sonic out to be "deep" and "nuanced", but always in a way so that Sonic will always be shown to be in the right even when he's not. Just. Gah. Commit already!
I always thought that Surge had a weird underreaction over seeing that Starline died, though. She's basically like "huh, he died. Am I free then?". You'd think she'd be more bitter over the fact that she didn't kill him herself, that once again she was deprived of agency.
Oh, and now she's playing goody-goody to infiltrate the Restoration at the request of someone who casually admitted to be an actual direct responsible for her existence and pain. Which is literally wrong on so many levels and such an insipid way to bring a very popular character back. If I were a fan I'd be mad.
She was so wasted. I don't like Surge, but her concept is intriguing and it's so disappointing that she was reduced to a glorified jobber.
#fans don't look#not to be an arrogant hack but#i tried to convey my interpretation in 'let go'#surge really really wants to cling over her conviction that sonic is a stupid sanctimonious asshole#but sonic is such a nice guy that it confuses her#and she looks pathetic when she doubles down
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Werewolf OCs!!
Yayy more headcanons and stuff. Basically continuing off the post I made a few months ago regarding Maduke’s business with his literal dozens of disposable tools children.
Well, there’s more to it. And it gets worse. By a lot.
Link to previous post for more context (highly recommended for a full understanding of this post’s context):
In my previous post I’ve mentioned how Maduke probably has 50 ish children. To be precise, those are the ones we more or less know of, as in the ones who 1. survived early childhood and 2. somewhat have their names recognized by a decent portion of werewolf society.
This doesn’t include the ones that either died or disappeared before they were really “introduced” to the clan, if at all. In fact, it is possible that no werewolves (except for Maduke himself) even knew of these werewolf children’s existence. Not even their own mothers. I’ll get to that in just a bit.
Long story short.
Long, long ago, Maduke had already been conspiring with certain evil nobles for some time, before Muzaka’s disappearance and his own eventual ascension to the position of Lord of the Werewolves. Just as the nobles needed to gain Maduke’s trust, he also had to gain their trust, as the sentiment had to be mutual before either party was willing to take it to the next level.
So on Maduke’s part, he had to offer something to the nobles to prove his sincerity as well as his full commitment to their mutual cause. It can be reasonably inferred that whatever it was, it was related to them eventually plotting to have the Noblesse and Muzaka take each other out. Anyways, Maduke’s offer couldn’t have been just anything. This was the problem. The nobles already had everything they could possibly want. They were as self-sufficient at it gets from a material standpoint. There wasn’t much for Maduke to give. There was nothing he could think of, as he was also aware that his fellow conspirators probably had all that they needed back in Lukedonia.
Maduke was certain that whatever he decides to offer has to be both irresistible and unheard of. And it has to be solid. No concepts, no empty promises, but something the nobles can physically get their hands on. An object basically. And Maduke couldn’t just do the bare minimum; he had to impress them. And then… he had the most brilliant and evilest of ideas. Maduke recalled one of the nobles mentioning how he enjoys “doing rather harmless research on living beings for the sake of their kind’s advancement” or something along those lines. Perhaps that was a very twisted way of saying “I like doing cruel experiments on my own kind and I will do whatever it takes to fulfill my own selfish goals, and I’ll gladly sacrifice them at anytime”.
Hah. That’s it.
Even if this specific fellow conspirator was very smart and cunning, he still needed to be very careful if he wanted to stay undetected under his noble Lord’s eyes. Too many odd disappearances would raise suspicions, and in the case where a pattern arises, it would harder to pass them off as a mere coincidence. But when you think about it… those disappearances only applied to nobles. They are registered in the system, and every disappearance would be marked and investigated, which makes illegal experimentation much harder, especially if it involves accidental or intentional killing of the subjects. No one said anything about members of other races. Well, experimenting on humans wasn’t completely unheard of at that time, even though the law banned it long ago. Even then, smuggling humans to work on wasn’t worth the time. Humans have their limits. They are fragile, they are short-lived, and overall just make unimpressive test subjects.
Werewolves on the other hand… they would make much more worthwhile test subjects. Even your average werewolf is much more durable than the outliers of the human race. Yup. Maduke figured it out pretty quickly. He could find a way to smuggle werewolves into Lukedonia for the evil nobles to experiment on. No one would suspect a thing. Besides, no noble test subjects being involved means no noble disappearances at all, which would make cruel experiments much more easy to carry out for his fellow conspirators. And secretly bringing werewolves into Lukedonia itself is unprecedented, let alone with the intention of using them as test subjects. Yeah, no one will even think in that direction. Perfect. Even Maduke had himself impressed by his own idea.
Except this is easier said than done. Unlike humans, werewolves can fight back. They are strong, they are feisty, and they can cause a lot of damage. Maduke couldn’t just randomly pick members of his own kind and send them off to their doom like he can do as he pleases with the grapes in his vineyard. He had to maintain his own image in front the general werewolf population. This was no easy task, as he had to maneuver around both Muzaka’s followers and his own followers. Maduke needed to be careful. Kidnapping active clan members was not an option, as he would raise suspicions within the clan, and many of them can actually resist capture. Speaking of which, the nobles probably don’t want ones who can’t fight back. Even if Maduke were to offer his fellow werewolves as part of a negotiation gift, they couldn’t be just any werewolf. The nobles wouldn’t want your average werewolf. To impress them, Maduke figured that he needed to offer ones that are stronger, faster, and tougher. The warriors. Someone who is capable of reaching that rank, would be suitable.
Now what? Warriors could defend themselves and are no easy prey. The only state in which werewolf warriors cannot fight back is when they are still young. Children. Infants. The implication is obvious. If Maduke had no warriors he could offer right away, he’ll just make some. Problem solved.
At this point Maduke had already started to build and solidify his power through his kin, so this wasn’t exactly a new concept to him. It’d be easy, he thought. All he needed to do was to hand pick a few strong ones and send them to the nobles right after they’re born. Heh, excellent idea.
So Maduke contacted his fellow conspirators in Lukedonia about his offer and let them know that this is his way of showing sincerity from his end. The nobles, particularly one of them, were more than willing to accept Maduke’s deal. They seemed to favor the idea. Except they wanted more. Maduke had written three strong werewolf infants aka. “warrior material” in his initial offer. The nobles replied and demanded that as long as there are multiples in one birth, he has to give one to them. If he has twins, he gets to keep one; if he has triplets, he gets to keep two, and so on. And don’t try to secretly keep one for yourself, because we’ll figure it out. Anything worthy of your blood, you must select one and give them to us, they said.
Fuck. Damn those nobles. Greedy and insatiable as ever, aren’t they. If Maduke was cunning, the nobles were just as cunning. They knew the game just as well as he did. As much as Maduke wanted to reject this extra request, he needed help from the nobles’ side. So Maduke reluctantly agreed to this extra condition, and the deal was sealed. That is all.
Maduke would’ve preferred to keep every single one of the strongest of his kin for himself, as they all were his resources, but he had no choice but to make this sacrifice on his part if he were to have the nobles’ support. After all, Maduke had trade something of equal value for what he desired, to keep it fair. Perhaps he even pitied himself, now that he couldn’t get to keep all his “tools” for himself. Woe is me for being robbed of what I am entitled to, he thought. Pretty ironic considering how he was literally robbing his own kin of the lives they could’ve had. But it doesn’t matter, because the only one he cares about is himself. Oh, Maduke, Maduke. Tsktsk.
The next part wasn’t so hard, now that Maduke had figured out the last piece of the puzzle. Stillborn werewolves weren’t an uncommon sight. Sad, but not unfamiliar. Maduke knew how to manipulate his partners using this phenomenon. He would be there while his partners gave birth. When his partners had more than one living child, he would take one away immediately before their own mother was aware of the situation. He would then tell the mother that he took one away because they were born still and didn’t want to “sadden” her any further with the sight of their dead child. Some of them weren’t easy to convince, but in the end, Maduke gets what he wants with his lies.
Of course, Maduke didn’t do this with every single birth with multiple children in it, as it would’ve been way too suspicious anyway. And the nobles were never really interested in the more “average” test subjects, so Maduke only snuck out the ones who were visibly stronger and sturdier, which were signs of children who had the potential of a future warrior. There wasn’t a single time when Maduke hadn’t wished that he could keep all the stronger ones for his own use, but he had to honor his end of the promise to the nobles. His loss. A huge loss, but still worth it in the big picture. Besides, he could just have even more kids. Simple solution for a simple problem.
You’ll never know what Maduke’s bottom line is, because it is seemingly nonexistent.
And that concludes the second part of my Maduke hcs.
Now onto the OCs! They are all Maduke’s children.
(Btw Maduke never names any of his children. He is completely indifferent to that matter, just like how he only sees them as his tools. Their mothers do the naming)
(These OCs are not listed in any particular order. Their age order is flexible, even then it is not important to the story)
Finn: Son of Bianca and Lunark’s full-sibling. Turns out Lunark isn’t her mother’s only child... Finn is actually her twin and younger brother. Maduke had to honor his promise and pick one to keep for himself and send the other one to the nobles. Lunark was the one he kept, and Finn was the one he gave up. Maduke could sense that both of Bianca’s children are powerful, and he had a hard time deciding. Ultimately, he kept Lunark simply because she has Bianca’s eyes. Of course he told Bianca that the second child was a stillborn and that he got rid of him for her because he “felt so much sorrow” for their son’s death. Bianca never believed him. She knew Lunark’s twin was born healthy and strong, but she kept quiet for her and her daughter’s sake, as she couldn’t risk their safety. Perhaps Bianca’s departure from werewolf island had something to do with her missing son. She refuses to believe that he is dead, and will search the world for him.
Finn was the name Bianca gave to her “dead” son she never even got to see. The nobles’ name for him is Hadeon. He was very well-hidden as a test subject and still remains isolated in a lab operated by some members of Lagus’ remaining devoted followers. Turns out Raskreia failed to weed out all of them.
Finn is alive in the present day and whether he gets rescued and reunited with his mother and sister, whom he has no knowledge of, is a mystery. No one knows anything about his personality, likes and dislikes, just… nothing. His fate remains unknown.
Pomme: Daughter of Savanna and Kentas’ full-sibling. Technically, his sister-to-be if his mother hadn’t been murdered by his father. This is what Pomme would’ve looked like if she survived along with her mother. Pomme was conceived about a week or two before Savannah discovered Maduke’s true nature, threatened to expose him, and told him that she’d take her son with her. Maduke had to silence Savannah on the spot and he didn’t care if she was pregnant with his second child. Savannah truly loved Maduke with all her heart and sworn loyalty to him up until the very moment she found out about his schemes. A tragedy for Savannah and Pomme, and Kentas who lost both his mother and unborn sister. Pomme would’ve grown up as a strong, all-rounder werewolf warrior just like her older brother, whom she would’ve affectionately called “Kenny”. She would’ve loved to sit on her mother’s apple tree and enjoy fresh apples together with her family, and have butterflies land on the tip of her nose.
Pomme was never born and Savannah remains “missing” in the present day and Kentas still thinks his mother had only disappeared, unaware that she is dead with his unborn younger sibling whom he doesn’t even know had existed.
Copper: Son of an unnamed werewolf woman. Copper was a hard worker. He really tried his best. Despite his efforts, he just wasn’t born as a fighter and he was very lacking in terms of both his abilities in combat and his will to fight. Copper was one of the many “weaker” children in the background whom Maduke assigned spy/informant duties to. Even then, he failed to prove himself to be useful to his father and eventually the latter ordered to have him delivered to the labs. Copper begged and begged Maduke for another chance as he was being dragged away to his doom. Being the relatively weak werewolf he was, he didn’t last for long as a test subject. He cried and screamed for his mother as the werewolf scientists strapped him down and injected him with what would become the dose that kills him. Unbeknownst to him, his mother was too busy trying to redeem herself in front of Maduke with promises of more children, where she pretty much forgot that Copper even existed.
Copper stays dead without any sort of proper burial as his body was burnt in a pile with many other “failed” test subjects. His presence was a weak one and not even many of siblings remember him. Lunark builds a little tombstone for him by the shores.
Olga: Daughter of an unnamed werewolf woman. She is no warrior, just like many of her siblings who ended up as spies and informants because they weren’t good enough to be warriors thus had no right to stand directly next to their father. Olga would’ve been shipped off to the labs just like her half-sibling Copper, but she saved herself. You see, Olga is smart. Money smart. She risked her life by appearing in front of Maduke without him summoning her and asked for a chance to prove herself, and that he’ll definitely find her to be very useful to him. To her surprise, Maduke did not yell at her or have her dragged away. Perhaps he was in a good mood, or he was feeling generous. Doesn’t matter what it was. He simply told her very well, then prove it within the time frame he gives her. And Olga did. Olga was successful. Very successful. Turns out, she is very good at organizing the clan’s budget and saved a lot of time and money for Maduke. She is also very efficient at turning money into more money. To everyone’s surprise, she rose through the ranks very quickly despite not being a warrior and was soon able to secure herself a spot where her status couldn’t be touched by anyone… not even Maduke himself. She was simply too unique and valuable to him, even if he wanted to dispose of her for whatever reasons, which he did not have. He was quite satisfied with her contributions. Her talent ended up saving her from the tragic fate that most of her half-siblings suffered from.
Olga is alive in the present day and continues to manage money for the clan after Muzaka’s return as Lord. She is the one who communicates with her youngest half-sibling and celebrity Oswald Kravei when he sends part of his paycheck back home to support the revival of his clan. The werewolves are able to thrive financially thanks to them.
Erez: Son of an unnamed werewolf woman. He is no warrior. He is also fortunate in an unfortunate way. Just like his half-sister Olga, he had a talent that saved him from being tossed away by his father sooner or later. Erez has a thing for science. Specifically, he knows how to work with werewolf bodies. His intuition and understanding of body modifications meant that his father would assign him to work in the labs as a scientist. At least way better than being a test subject. But how much better? Many of the test subjects that were ruthlessly dumped into his and his team’s labs were his acquaintances. His friends. And… his family. In fact, Erez was the one who injected Copper with the final dose that killed him. Copper was his half-sibling and cousin, and their mothers were sisters. Erez couldn’t have possibly disobeyed his father’s orders, unless he wanted to die too. Maduke, for the “greater good” of the clan, would continue to kill his own clan members through Erez’ hands. Erez is permanently traumatized.
Erez is alive in the present day, and no longer works in the labs. In fact he can’t even go near them at all because it would trigger his trauma. He is very ashamed of himself for surviving while most of his siblings are dead, and thinks of himself as a coward. Currently, he lives alone in a more secluded area in werewolf island and his only activity is tending to a small farm, as some form of atonement/self exile/whatever his way of coping is. He refuses to listen to Lunark, Kentas and his other remaining living siblings when they reassure him that it wasn’t his fault, and rejects all their invitations to come live with the rest of the werewolves in the more populated areas.
Meryam: Daughter of an unnamed werewolf woman. Meryam was a not a warrior. She shared a mother with Rio, and was Rio’s older sister. Meryam worked as a spy for Maduke. She was sharp, diligent, and ruthless. She was also completely loyal to Maduke, and the latter could trust her more than his other children. Meryam carried out all his orders without question. Her inability to reach the warrior status never stopped her from her work. Meryam’s main task was to keep tabs on the nobles whom Maduke worked with. Just because he had a deal with them doesn’t mean that he trusted them completely. Besides, he was only using them as they were using him, and he was going to get rid of them altogether anyway. Maduke needed to monitor them and Meryam was the answer. Well, one of them. But the nobles weren’t dumb. Maduke wasn’t the only one with spies. The nobles knew. They figured it out sooner or later, and ambushed and captured Meryam and brought her back to Lukedonia for questioning and later using her as a test subject because it would’ve been a waste to kill her immediately. Meryam kept her mouth shut even as she was being brutally tortured by the nobles in their lab. Anything for Maduke. She eventually dies as their experiments exceeded her body’s maximum threshold.
Meryam stays dead and Maduke couldn’t say anything to the nobles about her going missing because then it would’ve been him admitting to sending spies to watch his supposed allies. In return, he simply killed their spies. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. We aren’t so different from each other, are we?
Rio: Son of an unnamed werewolf woman. Rio was a warrior. He didn’t have much endurance but he was blessed with large amounts of explosive power. He shared a mother with Meryam, and was Meryam’s younger brother. Just like his sister, Rio was fiercely loyal to Maduke. His father’s will was his will. Rio was determined enough to eliminate anyone who stood in his father’s way, even if they were his family. According to ancient tradition, Rio’s status as warrior was a debatable one because he more or less only achieved the rank after he received a bloodstone implant. But again there was no such thing as tradition under Maduke’s reign because of course Maduke’s very existence was the new tradition. Rio had his own party of werewolves and was sent by Maduke to search the lands for other potential intruders during the werewolf arc, but they didn’t run into anyone. Rio died from getting his life sucked out of him from Maduke’s bloodstone implants, as he was one of the less fortunate werewolves who didn’t make a recovery after Maduke was destroyed.
Rio stays dead and the werewolves gave him a proper burial with Maduke’s other victims.
Kiba: Daughter of an unnamed werewolf woman.
Kiba is a warrior. She is the speedy type of werewolf, similar to Kuharu. She’s actually his niece. Unlike most of her half-siblings, Kiba was aware of her father’s cunningness and cruelty since the beginning. While she didn’t have a full understanding of his true nature, she had a pretty good grasp of what this man was capable of. And her guesses were right. You can say she “woke up” much earlier than the rest of her family. For her and her mother’s safety, she pledged fake loyalty to Maduke. Thank goodness werewolves don’t have something called mind reading, so Maduke never found out that her loyalty was only for show. As long as Kiba keeps her acting real, she can fool Maduke and wait for someone to overthrow him eventually. And she succeeded. Muzaka came back, and Maduke is dead.
Kiba is alive in the present day and resides in werewolf island with her mother. Both mother and daughter are adjusting very well to their new lives free of Maduke and his evil deeds. Kiba adores her youngest half-sibling Oswald, and eventually gets into modeling just like him and moves her primary residence to somewhere in the human world close to Oz. As of now, she doesn’t earn as much as Oz since the he is a huge global celebrity, but she wishes to become famous like him one day so she can send a lot of money back home to support her family and clan members just like Oz has been doing.
She is one of Ozzy’s primary caretakers during his youth.
Flea: Son of an unnamed werewolf woman.
Flea is a warrior. He is the very tanky type of fighter with a lot of endurance, and has an abnormally high regeneration ability even amongst his fellow warriors. Just like how Hila dealt with Uzhir, Flea’s mother noped out of parenting him as soon as he was weaned, and left him to Maduke. Of course Maduke didn’t want the hassle of raising him. Or any child of his, for that matter, so he dumped Flea onto his older half-siblings and told them to do the work. Normally Maduke wouldn’t have cared at all, but Flea had the potential of a warrior, so the former made sure to have the latter live up to it. Flea’s only problem was that he got clingy very easily. And he got attached fast. To his half-siblings who were his caretakers, to the random old werewolf lady who gave him a treat… etc. He ended up clinging onto anyone who gave him attention, whether it was good or bad attention. While some of his siblings were okay with taking care of him, most of them were less than happy to be assigned to this mess of a werewolf, so they collectively named him “Flea” because he just kept coming back no matter how mean they were to him. Dammit, you just couldn’t get rid of him. Flea even ended up getting attached to Maduke. None of Maduke’s children were allowed to call him father and would get severely punished if they did. Flea tried to find other ways. He worked under Maduke as a warrior, so he saw him quite often. Flea peeked at Maduke whenever he had the chance, and when he got caught, and he simply smiled at his father before bowing his head back down. Curiously, Maduke never punished Flea for his clingy bevavior. Perhaps he was intrigued by how Flea still managed to adore him no matter how much he treated him like trash and kicked him around like a dog. Flea was just emotionally needy, even if it meant looking for comfort in his tyrant father. Probably wasn’t the healthiest thing. Either way. Maduke was rather amused with this scene and kept Flea around as his unofficial jester and personal bodyguard.
Maduke actually sent Flea to guard his cellar during the werewolf arc because hey, he’s gonna kill all the intruders and win and come for a drink with his jester after the battle. Too bad he lost and now he’s dead. Flea had no idea of what happened at all. Rip.
Flea is alive in the present day and resides in werewolf island with the rest of his family. He manages Maduke’s wine collection, and found someone else to cling onto… Ozzy! He’s also one of Oswald’s primary caretakers. He eventually leaves werewolf island and follows Ozzy around and continues to be his youngest brother’s guardian. Ozzy enjoys the love smothering from his older half-brother and they are close.
Clover: Son of an unnamed werewolf woman. He is not a warrior. In fact, he was born with the same defect that Maduke’s sister Willow had; he has neither fangs nor claws and can’t transform at all. Maduke wanted to get rid of Clover immediately after his birth because it would’ve been a waste to spend resources on someone who wasn’t even slightly worthy of his blood, but Clover’s mother resisted and wanted to protect her son at all costs. Clover’s mother is a powerful warrior and Maduke realized he could turn this situation in his favor and manipulate her. He told her that he will let Clover live on the condition that she births him more children that are worthy of his blood. Clover’s mother agreed, and Maduke let him live. Due to Clover’s defects, Maduke never gave him a job of any sort. He isn’t going to be of much help anyway, and he already does a good job of keeping his mother obedient even if he himself isn’t aware of the deal between his parents. How useful. Clover acted as a caretaker for his younger siblings despite being unable to control them and getting hurt at times due to being much weaker than them. He never understood why his mother just kept having more children, but he never once questioned her, out of respect. His mother only revealed the truth after Maduke’s death and Clover was devastated.
Clover is alive in the present day, though he probably doesn’t have much longer to live due to his defects and he will likely get the same illness Willow had and eventually die sick. His mother will outlive him, but he will do his best to take care of her while he’s still alive. Clover and his mother leave the rest of their family behind and permanently depart werewolf island to spend the rest of their days in peace.
And that’s it for now!
Maybe I’ll do a post of Hila’s journal of werewolf herbs with headcanons of leaves and berries and stuff. Fun stuff.
(p.s. don’t think I’ve said this here before but I am open to questions, chatting, anything really when it comes to HCs, OCs etc. anything is welcome!)
Thank you for reading and stay tuned for future posts!
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good morning, you have 1 unread message!
my pac tag | tell me about the reading, suggest new readings, tell me about your day
PILE ONE: BREAKFAST
someone would like to give you some advice, but they don't because they're afraid they might be overstepping. you might not be familiar enough with this person, and they don't want you to feel bad about yourself. you seem to currently be in some sort of conflict, one that has trapped you for quite a while now. this is likely about your family and career. you very much need to break away from something— both emotionally and physically— but you're not sure how. this person seems to feel some alone time and solitude would do you good. you haven't had much time to sort your thoughts out, have you? you just keep getting into these small fights that take up all of your brain power and energy, but the root problem remains.
this person sees huge potential in you. they feel like a mentor of some sort, maybe a counsellor, professor or your manager. they feel that once you ground yourself and set your priorities straight, you'll have a huge upgrade in your mental state and life, and this will give you the ability to also scale up at work. they want you to know that you shouldn't be sweating the small things (but they sympathise, and that's also part of why they have trouble telling you all of this).
lastly, they want you to know that you have a supporter in them, and they'll be happy to lend a hand whenever. they just think you would find them too invasive and weird, so they just watch you from afar. it doesn't seem they think you need help either, per se, but if they can give reassurance or pointers to make your life easier, they're more than happy to.
PILE TWO: ICED TEA
this person wants you to know that they can't help but feel inferior to you. this manifests in different ways for different people— for some of you, you may find that this person lashes out often to try and get you, or undermines you frequently. for others of you, this person has decided to avoid you completely. some of you may have even liked this person a lot in the beginning, but this person turned against you quickly. they'd like you to know, for the sake of closure, that they turned against you because they perceived this gap in strength and success too big for them to handle. ultimately it looks like they truly want the best for you, and so they'd rather just... leave instead of resent you.
this person strikes me as maturely immature, if you will— like they're still in their beginning stages of adult life and they don't have much figured out but they're self-aware enough to know that they're still immature. i think it's entirely possible that this person will return, but for now, it's probably best that you take care of yourself first, don't try and be any less of a queen because you're afraid of stealing limelight, embrace your abundance. this person wouldn't want you hung up on them, they hope and think you were never affected by their presence in your life in the first place, and although that isn't true, for now you'll just have to make peace with the facts. they don't realise the impact they had on your life; you don't know when you'll ever get the chance to tell them. if you need to, talk to your maternal role model, whether that's your mom or someone else, about it. wishing you the very best!
PILE THREE: MIFFY TEA
this person is referencing an event that may have happened when both of you were younger, or, at the very least, they were quite young when this event happened. they'd like to thank you for the wake up call you gave them, unintentionally or otherwise. yes, you fought, yes, it was ugly, but they learned a lot from it. for some of you, i'm feeling this may be your first ex. they feel lucky that it was you that appeared in their life when they needed someone to smack some sense into them. they're glad you made them make a choice and commit to it; even though they resisted in the beginning, now they understand that life without these hard choices and commitments is empty. they'd like you to know that they've grown a lot since then and they're so much more independent than who you knew them to be. they like to think you contributed to this, even if just a little.
i doubt the two of you are in contact anymore, and that's the biggest reason why this person won't tell you this personally— they can't. however, they think of your memory with a lot of fondness, and sometimes they wonder if you think they resent you for the fight that happened, and they really wish they could tell you that they don't; not at all. they're grateful for the opportunity to grow, and they feel everything that happened was meant to happen and it was for the best. they have so much love for you!
PILE FOUR: INSTANT NOODLES
hi, and welcome to the romance pile! high fives all around, bring it in. i was honestly getting worried that this entire PAC would just be filled with heavy messages, but the last 2 piles have been a lot lighter than the first two. now, let's get the obvious aside: someone has feelings for you but won't tell you because they are terrified. this person feels very put-together, like they're always capitalising the first letter in every sentence, even if they're just sending a casual text. they're not the kind to reach out for no reason, and so the two of you have probably not interacted as much as they would have liked. still, they think you're really cool and they like it when you're happy.
they biggest thing holding back is that they strongly feel something has to change for a romance to be able to blossom from this, and they suspect it's them. this is kind of two-fold because yes, they're probably not going to have a successful romance if they continue guarding their heart obsessively the way they're doing right now, but they don't actually have to change to be in a romantic relationship, they're just panicking. i'm a little all over the place typing this right now, so i think they are too. i don't think they even know what they want to tell you yet, they just threw this whole jumbled up mess into the universe and prayed for the best (are they me??? lol).
overall, no rush. they're not ready at all. with their anxious personality and tendency to overthink, it'll be a long time before they're ready to face you head-on. if you know who this person is, like them and don't mind making the first move you could go for it, but if you're not then you could just leave things as they are and watch. things are pretty up in the air and up to the two of you right now, i'm not seeing that much divine intervention at this point. good luck!
#pick a card reading#pick a card#pick a pile#free tarot reading#tarot reading#pick a pile reading#pick a deck
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genuine question: why do you think the bells hells (and fandom at-large) keep including fearne in their “going to explode and kill us some day” group? like objectively laudna, imogen, fcg and chet have attacked others, but fearne hasn’t?
is it just her general fey morality issues? do they think she’s just too reckless and it’ll affect them? i guess i just don’t understand why they keep making a point to reinforce that she could?
This is a very good question, and I think it comes down to the nature of Bells Hells as a group and some valid observations from Orym in particular; and also, as with many things, is unwittingly reflected, warped, and magnified in fandom perception.
It's worth noting that Imogen hasn't attacked others - notably, her loss of control preserved the statuses of all of her party members while leveling a city block. She's done splash AOE damage to others but that's just the nature of AOE for any spellcaster. Similarly, any harm Ashton has done has been to FCG and Imogen while they were delving into their mind, and was unwitting and is easy to avoid. Chetney, Laudna, and FCG are the only party members who are actual, proven powder kegs, and all three are looking into solutions, with varying degrees of commitment and success.
So: Imogen, Ashton, and Fearne all fall into a category of "have somewhat unpredictable powers, and/or a penchant for causing problems on purpose", rather than "might kill us". It's worth noting that in the first conversation covering this territory, following FCG's murder spree, Orym specifically does just cite Fearne's thievery causing problems, so yes, it is an issue of recklessness rather than actual loss of control. (Also worth noting that, while Orym was interrupted, he does not include Imogen on the list of people who might freak out, along with himself). Meanwhile, in this episode, it's a case of Imogen and Ashton both feeling that their own powers are a problem even though that might not be the case, and believing the same of Fearne.
Now, the interesting parts:
First, Orym has in fact seen Dark Fearne in EXU attack him, and so I think he is in fact aware that there is a future, however unlikely, where Fearne does snap. I suspect, out of game, this future is no longer really an option since Fearne met her parents and learned that the postcards were a lie from Morri, and handled it fairly maturely; but it is something she and Orym have both seen.
I also think that Bells Hells, a group that is best defined as "fences make good neighbors, but also the conflict avoidance is consistently getting in the way of deeper bonding", are very invested in-universe in trying to smooth over the uncomfortable truth that actually, yeah, Chetney, Laudna, and FCG could fully lose control in a way that isn't true of anyone else. This is a whole other post about like, fandom and stories and D&D in general but Brennan's line in the EXU Calamity wrap-up about not everyone getting the same number of Christmas presents constantly echoes in my mind and I think that Imogen and Orym, two of the more tactful members of the party, are really reluctant to say "no, this really is mostly a Chet, Laudna, and FCG problem." And when you add that Imogen and Ashton do legitimately have powers they don't totally understand and have manifested in strange ways, just haven't caused them to snap in the same way the top table has, then yeah, it's easy to throw Fearne into that category. In short, the ambiguity of snapping meaning like, a mechanical loss of will and control over one's self vs. losing one's temper is also playing a big part here.
Finally, it's worth noting that after episode 3x31 it was very common for people to say that they suspect Orym is a powder keg himself, even though I think that's absolutely not true. Orym is someone entirely dedicated to service of others, and I think in his own way needs to be needed and useful just as much as Laudna does. And so while Ashton understandably tells him that he needs to have an outlet and take care of himself, and that they would personally hate being "the good one", Orym is perfectly content to be the good one. But the fandom did not think this, and I think that ties back into the "everyone gets the same number of Christmas presents" mentality, which, again, separate post, but is even stronger as a fandom perception than as Bells Hells' philosophy.
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This post is to elaborate more on my experience in the DBT group and some of the reading and tools I found most helpful to me.
The DBT group I was able to take part in was a remote group that met once a week for 16 weeks via Webex. I was very lucky to get a spot and that my Medicaid covered any cost. It was run by two social workers as part of NYU Langone's Psychiatric Center at Sunset Terrace.
The weeks were broken down based on the 4 Modules (core skill groups) of DBT: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.
Mindfulness: This is the base of any DBT practice, and what I always had trouble with in the past. Mindfulness is a kind of self-awareness that you can use to break down your experiences and give yourself a kind of reality check. Being mindful is being present and aware of your emotions, your body, and your though process.
There are 3 Minds with which we experience and react to the world: Emotion Mind (acting based on emotions alone), Rational Mind (acting based on facts alone), and Wise Mind (a combination of the first 2 and the goal of mindfulness).
Distress Tolerence: This module focuses on short term solutions for big emotions. The skills involved in this module are called Distraction skills because their goal is to just get you through the wave of emotion, resist any harmful urges, and survive your distress long enough to talk to someone or get to other skills.
There are quite a few skills in this module I found helpful, and I'll go into more detail on them in another post. The skill I think can do the most in the moment is called ACCEPTS, an acronym used to remember what you can do to distract yourself when feelings get too intense.
A - Activities: Watch a comforting tv show or movie, clean, do a puzzle, any task that requires most of your attention so you can focus mindfully on it rather than your emotional spiral.
C - Contributing: Talk to a friend or family member, help someone with a task like cooking or cleaning. The goal being to focus on being with someone rather than being alone in your thoughts. *This obviously would not be a go-to if the person would further trigger you.
C - Comparisons: Compare this emotional storm to a past, worse experience as a way to remind yourself that you've survived before, and you can do it again. *Again, the point of this is not to further trigger yourself, but to prove to yourself that you're strong enough to get through this moment of distress.
E - Emotions: Activate opposite emotions by watching a funny video or recalling a happy memory.
P - Push Away: Mentally push away the triggering thoughts or situation until you are calmer and more regulated and able to deal with the emotions. Commit, for a few minutes, to picturing your problems going into a small box, closing them in it, shoving the box deep in the back of a closet and closing the door. This exercise is a very short term way to remove the weight from your shoulders.
T - Thoughts: Actively think about something completely unrelated to your triggers. Sing your favorite song from memory, do a crossword puzzle or a math problem.
S - Sensations: Interact with your 5 senses mindfully; hug a stuffed animal or a pet, hold ice in your hand and feel it melt, lay flat on the floor and feel your body pressing into the hard surface.
**The best way to utilize this skill is, when you're calm and not feeling any distress, make yourself a list of specific things you can do that correspond with each of these steps. Thinking of something to distract you when you're in the midst of an emotional storm is incredibly hard, so preparing a reference guide for yourself ahead of time is a way to show up for yourself.
Emotion Regulation: This 3rd module focuses on learning to identify your emotions, understand where they come from and what they are trying to tell you, and processing them in a healthy way.
The purpose of all emotions is evolutionary survival. Emotions spur us into action to meet our needs (when you get hangry, you know you need to eat), and communicate danger to ourselves and others. Body language and voice tone can also often communicate emotions before words do.
*Use a feeling wheel to identify your emotions and dig deeper. If you can't process them right away, use a distress tolerance skill until you are able to sit with them.
*The best skill for emotion regulation is ABC PLEASE, an acronym used to help you recognize vulnerability factors in your life and minimize them.
Interpersonal Effectiveness: This last module focuses on skills that help us communicate with others. There are skills like GIVE, which can be used to maintain good relationships with others, and FAST, which can be used to help maintain your self-respect when making a request of someone.
*There are others that I will make graphics for, stay tuned!
Attending the group and learning the skills was only part of what I found helpful on my journey toward stability. I found a book, Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder, that helped break mindfulness down in great detail and very easy to follow language. The book is written specifically for BPD-havers so it's really an excellent resource. The other tool I found helpful is something my therapist suggested I get, The Game of Real Life, which is a game that you can play to learn DBT skills in an interactive and fun way. It comes with a little book that breaks every skill and practice down, Skill cards which I find to be a great go-to for recalling a skill in a moment you need it (after all, it's a whole lot of acronyms to remember), and Conflict cards that give you examples of situations you might experience, and you have to pick a skill card to practice (can be done alone but better with someone you trust to really dive into the communication and regulation skills). I've actually been carrying a few of the skill cards in my purse wherever I go, just in case I need a quick reference in a moment of distress.
I have so much more to share with anyone who's interested. I'll keep posting, making graphics, and if anyone has a specific question about any of the modules, I'll do my best to answer or help you find the information online. DBT groups are super hard to find, in extremely high demand so it's hard to get in, and usually grossly expensive due to this country's horrible healthcare system. I consider myself extremely privileged to have been able to find a great hospital when I needed it and a great group that my insurance covered. I'm here for anyone who isn't as lucky. Let's make DBT accessible and break the stigma of the BPD diagnosis!
#bpd thoughts#actually bpd#borderline pd#borderline personality#borderline personality problems#bpd#bpd life#bpd problems#bpd shit#bpd stuff#dbt#dbt group#dbt skill#dbt skills#distress tolerance#interpersonal effectiveness#mindfulness#mindful#therapy#dialectical behavior therapy#emotion regulation#emotion dysregulation#emotions#relationships#group therapy#group#bpd help#ABC PLEASE#GIVE#FAST
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How and why Lily is a bad fan and an even worse critic
I want to get this rant thing over and done with as it's not about Lily Orchard being an actual depolorable person, just more rants about her bad takes and bad criticisms;
In case you didn't know, Poppy and Zena of TransGirlTherapy have interviewed Lily's sibling Courtney and a few other victims; I saw someone in their chat for the stream of it try and post about Lily's infamous writing tips and I just really REALLY want to put a big divider up right now between mine and other people's comparatively lowstakes beef w her and these very serious allegations. I'd be horrified by them even if they were of a creator I loved; these are not funny and ranting ontop of Lily's rants should be a few steps down from the really important stuff that needs to be addressed w her. So with all that being said:
I think her outdated "SU is Garbage and here’s Why" video is a great encapsulation of everything wrong with Lily Orchard’s critical theory, attitude, and brand.
The whole video lacks a real thesis statement for an essaybreakdown. It feels really just like a woman having a giant fan rant at a show she used to like but now doesn’t-- because, that is what it is. BUT, that isn’t easy to listen to. Lefttuber or not, other essayist/watchalongs/media analysis-channels who talk about a thing for five hours will at least try and make their feelings actually collected. Hbomberguy’s Sherlock vid, YMS’s Kimbaspiracy debacle, Lindsay Ellis’ Hobbit three parter; all these vids are glorified fan rants extended to hours long and flowered with essay reasoning and research. They work because they're self-aware that they're taking the thing they are looking at too seriously but are committing anyway and preferably having some kind of fun or skill doing so, which is why I love to watch these kinds of videos. Lily Orchard’s thoughts all feel way too sporadic and focused on being spicy rather than coming together, and that hurts her point because it makes even her most serious call out against SU feel petty.
She gets stuff wrong. Concrete was designed by black artist Lamar Abrams, not Rebecca Sugar who is white. Ftr I’m not pointing that out as some kind of “got you/can’t complain/Sugar never did anything wrong”-clap back; It’s just a fact. AND a missed oppertunity on Lily's part bcuz she could have pointed out how, even if Concrete wasn’t designed by Sugar, it was her in control of the artbook+ Rebecca’s drawn questionable depictions of black people before w she herself is not black and doesn’t get a ‘my friend is-’ clearance just because, and finally just the fact that +the white SU fandom dismissing this problem because they don’t want to be critical about their show.
That Lily doesn’t go into this counter-counter argument whatsoever tells me Lily’s true intentions: and that’s not to point out potential racism in the show, but to dunk on Sugar even more. Lily’s entire point about Concrete, as well as her handling of the poorly handled subjects in the show like the Human Zoo, which other critics, fans and critical fans have done a much better job at breaking down, all of it feels less like a beatdown of how problematic something is but her trying to spin Sugar into the worst fucking person because she wants to hate her. Nowhere is that more clear than in her now infamous ending shade abt Sugar being a fascist.
No, Lily did not literally call Sugar an actual Nazi. Her exact words on screen were a joking “do I think she is one, nah; would I think she is one w/o context? Yeah”.
In an alt timeline I wouldn’t think anything of this take. I get that Lily was trying to hyperbolic and relishing in her self aware pettiness -kinda like how Hbomber is with his over-the-top hatred of Steven Moffat- The issue is we don’t live in an alt timeline. Lily didn’t see how people were taking her too seriously and/or acting like Sugar was a nezi on her behalf +care that her edgy joke at the end of her rant could do some real damage, or even care that it just didn’t look good on her. She didn’t reupload the vid with a disclaimer tacked on, she didn’t tack on a pinned comment; she didn't write down a longer video disc to explain herself.
Instead she threw everyone who might have gotten perturbed by this comment under the bus, said it was all our own faults, and made it very clear she was not going to apologize for it.
Do u dislike ppl treating Sugar like she’s a Nazi and want to discourage that behavior, even in small ways? Fuck you. You’re a stan cuz Lily said so.
Are you Jewish and maybe think implying those exact words are uncalled for? Eat shit! Lily knows better than you and can talk about your life and issues better than you can because other gentiles who aren’t her have failed to do so….which means she’s actually speaking truth????
Lily Orchard could never eat a slice of humble pie and admit that she made a mistake because the only people who’ve ever criticized her and gotten real attention for it are part of the problem (i.e. 4chan, ED). Vaush type commentary bros who keep fucking misgendering her and taking more issue w her leftism that her authoritarianism.
'If obviously she has nothing to apologize for and she is totally over the accusations or her making accusations…which is why she keeps alluding to SU being fascist as a “joke”. The 'joke is on Sugar and all the people who could possibly be offended by Lily’s coining of what’s fascist so…it’s not really a self aware joke at all. She’s still going “harr harr, it’s YOUR fault that you read my comment that way and also who cares it’s not serious. RSugar is tumblr famous which means she’s a millionaire and can’t face harassment.” Tl;dr : Lily got flaq for going too far with a point and rather than just apologizing like a grown up, doubled down.
The reason Natalie (who doesn’t even cover media why is Lily so invested in Contrapoints???wv) and Lindsay will always be better yts than Lily is because they at least try to take some ownership of what they say. Does that always excuse them? No. Are they maybe still a little too apologetic of those on their side? Maybe. But all that is leagues above what Lily doesn't even attempt to do.
Fandoms, people, creators, ships and characters are punching bags to Lily Orchard. She can’t just dislike Rebecca Sugar because for the valid reasons ppl have w Sugar, which there are a LOT of- Lily has to make Sugar, and anyone who doesn’t find her joke at Sugar’s expense, into the worst possible thing.
Lily can not make a joke or a real criticism to save her life. She is only venom and she has to double down on her points until they have no meaning. Lily Orchard’s activism and analysis aren’t about the things she says she’s fighting against; they’re about her and how everyone who dislikes her is the same kind of awful person and deserving of scorn for disagreeing with her. Lily’s the kind of person who abuses selfcare that good people get from watching Monica Lewinski’s Tedtalk, and basically came out the other end with an “I’m right and shouldn’t apologize for anything EVER”.
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Something that's been really frustrating about the self-immolation of Aaron Bushnell and the amount of attention that it has drawn to me is how much people are focusing on it, rather than turning their attention to Palestine.
We have people being literally fucking genocided and slaughtered in their own fucking homes and here we are, going "ohhh but suicide :(( he committed suicide and he's glorifying it" GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE. And if that's too weird for you, watch the videos of thousands of people being massacred and tortured and everything. What Aaron did was to bring attention to the horrors being committed, not for fucking suicide awareness.
I may be out of bounds here, but I don't particularly care right now. If your problem with what Aaron Bushnell did was "that was extreme :( He shouldn't have committed suicide :((" I need you to take one long fucking look into yourself and what's going on. Thousands of Palestinians have been killed, and you're getting upset because one man self-immolated? Get upset about something fucking ELSE in this entire situation.
I say all of this as someone who has had suicidal thoughts and attempts. Get over your need to sanitize the whole situation, and take a look. One hard look at what's going on, and realize it isn't about your stupid fucking internet thoughts or whatever else that you think it is. This is about innocent fucking people being killed. God fucking dammit.
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Lay off your wannabe holy crusade. All you're doing is clogging up search results and I am tired of hiding your rants on social media so I can look at something that doesn't involve one dude screaming about how he is a victim of somebody else. Besides, can you actually prove that most of the anonymous asks came from seeker, or are you painting his face onto the vision of every anon ask that comes your way?
Let's dissect the two possibilities then:
I am right and it's Canonseeker continuing to be a cunt.
It's a different person sending me anon hate mail like a coward, i.e. still a cunt.
Wow look at that, it's still me, over here with my blog and an unspecified number of anonymous cunts who have made a video of fake screenshots to fuck me over.
Great moral compass. Definitely calibrated correctly. Definitely not victim blaming when you can easily go to Canonseeker and be an annoying bitch to the actual aggressor in this situation instead. But no, I committed the gross crime of... mildly inconveniencing your Tumblr experience, so I'm clearly more evil.
Are you... okay in the head? No backwards morals going on in that cranium of yours?
And if anyone thinks that Canonseeker is minding their own business and has stopped finding fault with me, here's their new Twitter @, fresh off the press:
My name's Aaron. This bitch be over here using my IRL name in their Twitter username. I know for a fact it's deliberate because they do this with other peoples' names too that they don't like.
Practice some self-awareness and imagine yourself in this position. Some fucking asshole took the time to make screenshots of you, trying to portray you as a racist and homophobe. That asshole, or a different one, loves using your name and others' in their usernames to passive-aggressively spite you, because you're one of the few people who care enough to treat them like the problem they are and call them out.
And now, either that asshole or some other asshole is now infesting your anon mailbox, much like you, and saying you deserve to suffer and you need to improve, instead of the actual pieces of shit who have been banned from multiple communities and keep coming back.
So congrats, have another Canonseeker post in your RWBY feed. You and every person are going to keep seeing them, because they're a fucking pest who is still in the community, and people like you would rather froth and flail over the one trying to do something about a known cockroach on the community than acknowledge the actual fucking problem.
And if it's not this cockroach, it's gonna be another one, and I would rather point out the cockroach and say the place needs to be fumigated than sit in this filth and pretend they don't fuckin' exist, mate. So you better get fuckin' comfy and think about who you're really supposed to be directing your anger to, and who's really the one making this community trash for everyone else.
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My honest thoughts about the Flora and Helia s5 drama, Krystal and how she was done dirty!
Ok, so I’ll start off by saying that like many people, I really disliked Krystal at first because of her oblivious she seemed to the damage she was causing to Flora and Helia’s relationship. However, I’ve come to realize she, like pretty much everyone in the later seasons, is a victim of bad writing.
With the whole “love triangle” in season 5, its bad enough that they introduce Krystal just to stir drama between Flora and Helia, and therefore making her a plot point for conflict rather than an actual character, but this whole conflict in general just badly mischaracterizes Flora and Helia as a whole. First, I think we all know Helia would never introduce Flora as just his friend to ANYONE! But season five just had to say otherwise! I’ve seen rewrites and fics that fix or explain this by introducing a sort of threat that promps him to hide his relationship with Flora in order to protect her, but in canon they give us no reason! Also, they make Flora regress back into her insecure self from the earlier seasons, which I actually think could be an interesting concept but it feels so arbitrary and it counters so much of seasons 1-4 with its reasoning that I can’t buy into it. Flora’s my favorite character so I’ll admit seeing her cry hurt my soul but I couldn’t help but facepalm at the same time. Like in all honesty, I’m happy Krystal acknowledged the damage and turmoil she had caused but at the same time, this could have been solved so much quicker if Flora and Helia talked it out. But no, we gotta make Krystal, the 16 year old, get involved in all this drama and do all the apologizing. Listen I know that season 5 onward, the writers could not to save their own lives decide if the winx and specialists were adults like intended if or they were just magically 16 again, but I DONT CARE!! By the chronological timeline, Flora and Helia are supposed like 20 by now! They’ve been dating for like 3 years! They’re considered the mature ones of their group! THEY’RE GROWN ADULTS! Make them communicate!!
But unnecessary relationship drama plot point aside, there’s a lot of things about Krystal‘s character that doesn’t make sense on a writing stance. Especially given her personality and the fact shes a princess by Nick’s canon. I understand they wanted to go for the tropy “airheaded cinnamon roll who causes problems on accident” with her but I feel it’s counterintuitive. Especially with how she tried helping Sky with his amnesia by bringing Diaspro back into the picture. But like shes a princess, therefore she should probably know of all the crimes Diaspro has committed! Like she should be well aware of political things like this! Diaspro was banished from Eraklyon after trying to brainwash Sky! Plus Sky is dating Bloom and its not like Eraklyon and Domino are small, unheard of kingdoms. I feel like it’s implied that like Solaria, both are pretty influential realms. And I’m well aware that season five onward in general throws Diaspro’s banishment and Sky and Blooms engagement out of the window, but at the very least, I feel like Krystal should know that Sky and Bloom are dating, and that Sky and Diaspro are exes. I know shes younger than most of the princesses in the show but even at her age, I feel like she should be somewhat aware of the political state of affairs between the planets. We even see her attending a political meeting, so there really is no excuse. As far as we know, she doesn’t have any siblings, meaning she is the only known heir to the throne of Linphea. Granted she’s pretty young so she probably still has a while before ascending to said throne but regardless, the kind of air headedness she’s characterized with is not something that makes a promising future monarch. Like I’m gonna say it right here, if the future queen of Linphea genuinely lacks this much situational awareness…..the Linpheans are actually screwed! MARK MY WORDS! Linphea will burn down 20 times faster than the forests of California if their princess doesn’t get some situational awareness by the time shes Queen!
Ok but seriously, they could have done so much more with her character aside from making her a roadblock for Flora and Helia’s relationship, and I will forever be salty!! Nickelodeon really messed up….
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