#idk its just so validating and i feel so loved. i feel like im healing a lot lately but its still so harx | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

candiid-caniine · 6 months

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Hey! Long time no see, i know i said id send you a fantasy i thought you'd like but now ive forgotten almost all of it, oop!

Life happened, and uh, i saw that you mentioned your libido being a bit low, which definitely is my case too (im recovering from depression, now that im okay id love to get my FULL libido back, or at least a good percentage of it) do you have any tips on that?

Also any recs of blogs writing in the same vibe as you? (same-ish kinks would be nice but im specifically looking for queer inclusive stuff!) it makes me 10x hornier than the regular video/photo porn!

Hope you're well, you pathetic little thing!

💫

hi friend!! ugh i feel you. sorry i haven't got any advice on regaining ur libido...we just let mine wax and wane as it will, though denial has been a big help in keeping it steady!

i've heard good things abt ginseng and some other herbs. obvs use at your own risk, mind that some herbal treatments can cross-interact with certain medications, remember that pre-packaged supplement pills are often unregulated and may contain toxins, and be aware that some herbal remedies work better on pw certain anatomy than others, and finally that many herbal remedies considered to increase libido are largely untested on trans folx!

finally, sorry it's taken so long to answer this ask...i'm autistic and have been cataloguing lol. i present to you a list of other blog recs under the cut, organized by general vibe! i've tried to primarily include blogs that do their own posts rather than those who primarily reblog :)

note that my headings may provide some context as to what to expect, but you read at your own risk and each blog will typically have its own trigger warnings addressed in the header/pinned. additionally, i've not tagged some of the ppl below because they prefer that "Men DNI" blogs not interact, and idk if "no cis men" qualifies ahah!

all blogs below are queer- and/or trans-inclusive, if not exclusive! there is no detrans/misgendering, at least I don't think - i don't tend to follow those blogs.

hard kinks (blood, knives, etc; includes primarily-cnc blogs):

@puppy-mommy , who also does general t4t kink content, but does state untagged hard kinks!

@visciousest is someone whose blog i scroll when i'm in a Certain Mood ahah,, i won't elaborate

@hell-hound-bites: just. fuck. would drool on his knife blade.

@snuff-fag: its username should give you fair warning as to how wild its content tends to get, so please browse responsibly.

@condor-bait is taking a break right now, and all my love is with him as he takes care of himself. he made me feel so valid and so fuckable as a young trans person learning to love myself in a new way, and i've always been too shy to tell him how much his content meant to me one-on-one (yes, despite its often-extreme themes!), and he deserves as much time as he needs to heal!

@unwillingfvckpuppy for mostly cnc and medical kinks! if you like his style, but not so much their harder content, he also has a more-tame main blog--i just mainly follow/scroll this one!

@vampvictim: top-tier cnc/intox stuff, plus some great knife/bloodplay :)

@cryptidtid is wonderful and holy shit i follow a lot of hard kink blogs lol. incredible

@cnc-pet: i have been following her for a long ass fucking time lol. they post a lot of really good cnc and stories, but you'll also find a lot of aftercare tips and advice on her blog! i really admire blogs who try to balance horny content with best practices

@dollobotomy

general kinky content:

@excessively-queer . just plain old good shit :) there's a good amt of edging and degradation.

@clouded-king was honestly one of my earlier introductions to the queer/t4t kink community on here and how fucking euphoric it can be :) he posts some hard kinks, but generally it's a balance of a lot of different kinks so read his pinned at your leisure!

@ / cottontailx : just good kinky nsft posts :)

@ / digitalpenetration: often specifically t4t which i love!!

@femmelovefemme can step on me :)

@bigothteddies: could not build this section w/o mentioning him :) they had a big influence on my fantasies for a long time!

@hazelj-xoxo: bigtime want her to cuck me. have followed her across multiple blog deletions lol

@transpidered is forever an icon!

@subspaceemo

@writefinch for great stories and text posts

edging and denial, specifically:

@6irlpet is 1 of my go-to hands-down-pants scroll sessions :)

@droolkink is my inspiration!

@flustersluts does exactly what the name implies lol. a good helping of other kink content too :)

@puppycvnt is a 10/10!

@barkwoofbarkwoofbark: we r denial friends imo!!

@strawbrrysub

@blyssful-abyss

@urhighnessbitch is a big fav <3

non-detrans genderplay:

@butchviolence does amazing butch supremacy stuff and i,,, fucking hell. even just seeing their username puts me in a Particular state of mind ahah. they also post hard kinks so be aware as you proceed!

@mtfdomme: i literally just reblogged from her today lol. tbh i want to be their little stupid pupthing. it's not all transfem supremacy undertones/overtones, but that's what i mainly follow her for, plus just general t4t goodness! also, their general personality? and the way she shuts down people who disrespect their boundaries? huge inspiration for me!

@cuntboydestroyer: take me to the animal shelter and neuter me. good lord.

@the-kind-of-dame is the main inspiration for my recent genderplay post lol

@terfbreaking-tgirl (be warned of dykebreaking if that's an issue for you)

@barbarian-lesbian is my other inspiration for the recent genderplay post

@superiorineveryway

weird asf (/complimentary; my favorite type of shit. robots, ND-focused posts, etc):

@specksizedgoddess has introduced me to things i didn't know, like...existed, and that's saying a lot as one of my special interests is kink! never knew how down bad i was to be a tiny buggirl, nor how much i wanted to be someone's stupid little robot... BIG tw tho: there is snuff and gore content here, so proceed with caution if you don't wanna see that!

@sapphling fucked me up real good with some bird!sub bondage posts awhile back lol

@nobelisha: found them through their ghost cnc post so that's why they're in this category ahah! they don't have a pinned so proceed w awareness :)

@devout-cleric: hierophilia/religion kink, and i'm something of an acolyte of hers :) if you've read this far down you may as well know i'm her Little Lamb anon lol

piss/omo:

@latenightomo

@pissheartmybeloved - their URL makes me crack up every time, plus good content!

@hold-it-a-little-longer - good scenarios/imagines!

@ohmyrashi - (i think) my original intro to omo!

monsterfucking/terato:

@septimus-moonlight was my first real introduction to trans-positive terato and i've never settled for half-fun cis-oriented terato ever since :) mind tags!

@eggedbellies as well!

@bredpun doesn't appear to be active lately but still good for a scroll!

@steamandcream

@of-mutts-and-men

#t4t nsft #asks #gen #denial #h/d #advice #💫 anon

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the-owl-house-takes · 7 months

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"huntlow didnt get enough time to get developed properly" true statement, we were all robbed of a third season and a lot of character development and chracter dynamics for many many characters and so on but its irrelevant to me cus i still wouldnt like it if it was properly developed. i know myself, id still be ok w it being part of the series but i still wouldnt have any interest in it and would find ship art equally annoying just cus i dont like it.

"if hunter was with a boy/willow was with a girl-" irrelevant, thats a different ship with a different character. there is no argument, stay on topic.

"bi/pan erasure or something along those lines" it has nothing to do with their sexualities and i dont care about canon or your headcanons or the characters sexualities none of that is relevant i just dont like them together as a ship

"huntlow antis/huntlow haters" be real. people can just dislike stuff without it being a big spectacle. do you think i put huntlow anti on my job resume or my tinder profile??? its not an identity, its just an opinion (also this is a salt blog. why are there sharks in the ocean)

"hunter having trauma doesnt mean he cant love" the grass is green the sky is blue i still dont have to like the ship and i still think hunters trauma takes priority for most people when they make huntlow stuff, maybe idk i have the tag blocked but ive seen some stuff and i see lots of arguments abt this. yes willow can be a rock for hunter but shes not supposed to be his only rock, hunter needing a rock is not supposed to be the only time they talk or interact, and there are ways to talk about hunter and huntlow without making it only trauma-related. i dont like the trauma-unrelated stuff either its still boring to me.

"something about willow idk i feel like people focus more on hunter when they argue about huntlow so i dont actually know any arguments about willow" willow is an underrated character and i love her but i still dont have to like the ship and i feel like a lot of the time people treat willow in general like one of her best character traits is Likes Hunter, or like shes hunters rock to lean on but never spin that around and let hunter be willows rock, and more often than not, somehow???, hunters trauma is still involved in willows insecurities or its used as part of how she heals from those insecurities?? like. can a girl not just say 'im worried about not being strong enough and being a burden' and not get 'when i was working for belos something something i thought i wasnt strong enough and i was wrong so ur strong too' and something like that like. a lot of huntlow stuff is like that ngl.

"just block people/the tags" I AM but like. i can still dislike it. and im perfectly valid in saying i think its annoying when i go to the tags and more than half the posts i scroll through are blocked cus its huntlow. im perfectly valid in saying i dont like ship whether i have the tags blocked or not.

"people can ship whatever they want" no they cant because i said so. the sun revolves around me. god watches me, his special little guy, fart and immediately cries in joy and throws a celebration party. (but also people are allowed to not ship stuff too like. it goes both ways.)

"so what are people just not supposed to make huntlow fanstuff" yes. i never want to see huntlow ever again my life. (but actually dont do that keep making stuff itd be sad if people stopped)

"everything you say is insane" ya

#the owl house #toh #ship hate

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cg-saturn · 1 year

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hey saturn so ive had a regression block and idk what to do i try to force myself to be small like do all the stuff that would get me into that headspace but it just doesnt work and honestly makes me feel gross whenever i use a paci or stuff like that and i feel bad when i use a baby voice and idk what to do im worried that i wont be able to be small again or i was just faking it idk do you have any tips for having a regression block?

Hey bud, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time regressing. That's something that can happen sometimes, I know Star was in a similar place for a little and I've been there too, it's not fun :(

Sometimes the Big world can affect us in harsh ways. When there's a lot of stress surrounding us, it can be hard to allow ourselves to slip into a little mindset. I want you to know first and foremost that you are not alone in having this happen, it's actually quite common. Little Space is typically a protective mode our bodies go into, if you experience involuntarily regression it's typically a way for your body to regulate its trauma or stress responses. Think little space like a filter- when you run a little dirty water at a time, it will come out clean, but if you put too much dirt in the filter it will jam and stop working. Think of the dirty water as your stress, and the filter as little space. It can be hard to regulate stress around us, but finding ways to reduce things that upset you it can be really helpful to end your block!

Sometimes, little activities and therapy activities overlap. Adult coloring books with colored pencils can be helpful if you feel icky about using kid things when you can't fully regress. You can also use stim toys like tangles or pop toys, they can be really helpful in grounding yourself. Doing things like coloring or playing with "adult" toys can help bring you back into the mood to do little activities that you enjoy!

It can also be really helpful to make yourself a schedule! I make calander boards for kiddos, if you ever have a list of things you need help remembering to do just let me know and I'll make you one to help you keep on track! Taking care of yourself with a schedule can help reduce a lot of stress, because not only will you physically feel better, but you'll have a whole list made so you don't miss anything!

Sometimes talking to a cg can help too- if you don't have one, my dm is always open for kiddos who need to talk! Having someone tell you that it's okay to regress and to reaffirm that there's nothing wrong with it can be a big help. Sometimes we can get in our own heads about if regression is okay or not. I promise it is, and I promise you're valid if you've been regressing or not. You are still a little, you are still deserving of love and kindness and healing, even if you can't currently regress.

You are loved and you are not alone in feeling like this. I promise that no matter what, you are deserving of healing and taking care of yourself. Just because you're having a hard time right now does not mean that you're any less of a little than the rest of us. My dm is always open for you kiddo, I love you and hope things get better soon

Pippi Saturn 💕

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prince-tulip · 1 year

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The struggles with touch and sex in general with people is something i envy of those who can seemingly have no real issues with it. Its so difficult. Im uncomfortable always but certain people can partake in it just fine. Idk if its because of bpd or what.

Its definitely something im only able to do if i have genuine connection with someone, i could not just cause i think someone is attractive and maybe that just means im demisexual? But i definitely still need to find someone attractive of course as well but if theres no personality connection than it just doesnt work but on the other side i definitely knows theres also times where i feel repulsed by sex and etc and im not sure where that comes from cause i can also flip and become extremely hyper sexual, which makes me uncomfortable usually due to impulsive nature of that, never really able to find that middle ground and i really try too.

As of lately ive come to really believe sex and love making is something sacred and is really is the union of two people, basically sex is marriage and for me despite urges and desires, i know that i prefer to view and proceed with that in mind, it must be genuine and not rushed in any certain situation and it's always been like that for me but with the pressures of society and the need for validation and seeing how others can just do it, ive always felt like i was obligated to because the other person wants to or that i must in order to just have fun or live your life and enjoy pleasure or to "increase your body count" or to be a "Man" or to move on from someone or to whatever the case and i feel I've truly only have had sex with people i genuinely care for and connect with but i know ive found myself in situations where its like "uh i guess most people would have sex right now" to where id rather sit multiple feet away then have sex which makes for a awkward time.

I know ive been working on separating sex, passion, love, lust, romance and even porn(porn can be triggering for the healing heart and body imo)

Ive been really looking into monogamous relationships, enm relationshipss, poly relationships, asexual relationships etc looking at them and understanding them more and finding what's best for me and my future, just so many variables that play into them. I don't know where to start and due to shifting self image and just bpd in general, its very difficult to keep a clear head in researching everything.

Plus with bpd we tend to have a favorite person and if we are engaging in sex with them we get incredibly attached and can feel comfortable sexually for once, to where if we lost that person, its basically cutting us off from the one feeling we understood in that realm of intimacy, making it very difficult to move on and very difficult to experience new friends, relationships and finding love again causing trauma from touch and sex and etc

So knowing all that ive had to really become so aware of these topics over the years and figure out what to utilize to my own personal benefit to the betterment of my life

-late night thoughts

#self healing #living with bpd #bpd thoughts #relationship #poly relationship #demisexual #polyamourous #love #romance #monogamous #asexual #unsure #mental health #literature #late night #fear of abandonment #physical touch

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messybouquetoflilies · 3 days

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why does it feel like every year at spring it feels like all the healing and other progress i made the previous year completely resets? like every year i say "oh wow ive changed so much in my life and put myself in a better position and learned tons of new ways to live and cope!!! there's no way it'll be the same this year!!!" only to end up in the same exact spot i was last spring. completely lost, alone, unstable..... etc.... idk why does it feel like i have to completely build up from scratch every fking year. why does it still feel exactly as hard when i did so much work to make it easier on myself this year??? it seriously drives me insane!!!! i just wanna heal n be independent, n not feel like i *have* to depend on other's for validation, but no. still codependent, still chasing bad love, still lowering my standards, still not standing up for my needs just bc im so terrified of losing the few ppl i have in my life. idk sry for all the rambles. its been existential lately. hopefully ill go back 2 horny posting n feel very silly n embarrassed abt all these posts soon

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etherealising · 2 months

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LOL so update on that. he was talking to this girl for a while, but they stopped talking like a while ago, so maybe you have me confused w someone else but honestly idk. but yea, now all my friends are like so are you trying to get back in his life. and im like we were never really out, but since that phone call we have been talking like once a day. is it me initiating the conversation? yes, mainly bc we have the same poli sci class so i was asking for help on that. but some of my friends are like blowing it out of proportion, but are also like just be careful. which i totally get bc they really did see me at my worst when i was going through all of that. so cheers to the hopeful renewal of our friendship bc i really did miss him as a friend. -<3 anon

girly no worries lol it was totally a fluke on my part i got your story mixed up with the drama my sister tells me about her high school my bad bestie!

yeah i remember you saying you guys never stopped being friends you just weren’t exactly as close as before (i think). so i def don’t think its weird that you’re both talking again and also although you were really hurt by everything, from what you told me i do think you guys kind of squashed things very mature and amicably so to me it makes sense that y’all still talk. also shoutout to him for helping with poli sci lol. i def understand why it might be a bit frustrating to hear your friends constantly warn you but you are completely valid in feeling a bit annoyed at their constant prodding, but you obviously know they’re just looking out for you like you stated and i am so happy that you have friends that put your best interest first love that for you!!!

good luck my love, i wish the two of you the best in healing this relationship if it comes to that and i’m always here to listen!!

#me and <3 bestie back at it again!#love that your friendship may be on the mend #but i love even more that you have a poli sci buddy lol #classes are always easier when you have a friend in them #i wish you all the luck!!#vee answers °•. ✿ .•°#queue are my besties

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away-ward · 7 months

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Hey, a genuine question. Why do you guys think michael and kai didnt care for emory? Because we saw them being protective of alex but not emory? I feel like both of them did care a lot for emory though, otherwise, they wouldnt have taken the jail sentence for beating up her brother (especially when that record stays in paper), and they wouldve treated her like any other side-hoes in this series. i feel like they just didnt know how exactly to approach emmy by the end of nightfall after all that revelation, orgies, marriage etc., because shes been gone away from thunder bay and them longer than she had been in their lives, so to treat someone who did not only had jailed them (even for valid reasons), but was never their friend like alex, or to show emmy even more intimacy than alex who had supported them through so many things, is a bit much, no?

Changes will take a while for michael, kai and emmy, unfortunately, but i dont think it's not understandable, given the context of the situation. + Alex's rika's bff, and theyve all been having orgies here and there. Banks kinda like alex too, so that means kai kinda likes her. Tbh, I wished pd had obliterated everything that is alex-related in this series, but i can see why kai and michael were closer to alex than they were to emory, even if i hated her whole arc in this series, especially in conclave in nightfall. Thank god we didnt see her as much in firenight.

Other than that, I think even emory admitted that alex was more of a friend to will and the horsemen than she ever was because she kept on rejecting them (in a way?) and their way of having fun. This was emmys one of many roots of jealousy but its not like anyone's stopping her from going back to thunder bay and confessed to them earlier and try to reconnect with those guys? Whats stopping her? And she admitted it took her long to admit to want to be part of that too because of legit and valid reasons. Just as much as will never reached out to emmy, she never did either. We understood that she was going through a lot, but hey, the world doesnt stop the horsemen from having other friends or hookups, just because emory was not part of it, no? Idk. I hate alex's everything in this series, but i dont think her presence in the ending was unreasonable or out of place.

My unwarranted and honest thoughts about willemmy and nightfall in general though:

Tbh, emmy was better than me, because if i was her, i wouldve gone back to san fransisco, love and heal myself, then find some other men to date around with. No way in hell am i going back to will grayson, but again thats just me. I just cannot ever imagine being in her place and kept on being reminded of how much this man who "loves me, reaches out to me" kept on hooking up with everybody, and even their past hookups moans his name in front of me and the. talks about her bed not being cold anymore (insinuating that will nd alex hookup right after) and her escapade with my man in the pool in front of everybody, and then still emmy goes "oh yea, i'll still be with will". Not to mention emmy was kidnapped because aydin was jealous of fucking will? And he took her on dates here and there? Even had scenes of them bonding but not his bonding with emmy? What the fuck? Emmy was so better than me because if i was in that train, i wouldve slap alex and will to death, idc. Alex doesnt deserve emmy as her friend, and will doesnt deserve emmy as his lover.

Emory Scott deserves better. Emory did not girlboss her way out of her abusive relationship with her brother and that horrible town only for her to end up with useless will grayson. I guess, if thats what she wants, good for her, but as her supporter, god, i wished she chose a different life for herself. Sorry, i love emory scott, but i'll never agree with her love for and her choosing of will grayson, because he is soooo nothing!? 😭 idk, im just a will grayson hater ok, he is the blandest character i've ever get to read, right after michael crist, and winter ashby, because the first one got to be michael and kai. Rika and dmaon were annoying as fuck, but at least they were doing their annoying shit everywhere, I feel like the most top two star review of nightfall on amazon by a user called nia (you can check it out through the app or the website on the amazon page), exactly describe why will was so fucking unlikeable and undesirable in nightfall for me. By the end of the series, i was so done with him and everyone, especially rika, michael, damon and alex in that order, that i just felt like i never want to see these characters anywhere or any books by pd ever again. This series was such an unnecessarily exhausting read!!! And It wasnt the good kind of exhaustion. The MMC, Will, was dissapointing, idk if this was discussed here before, but he was so similar with corrupt michael, i just had to stop several times while reading from wanting this book because of this tupod michael-will cross over. I hate them 😭 but thats the thing, i hate damon even more, idkkkkkkkk 😭 my hate list of this series in this order (putting aside other characters thats not main): Martin, Damon, Michael, Will, Alex, Aydin.

What about you, do you have a hate list too?

Hey. I assume this is a response to this post by @pro-logue-epi-logue. .

I will say that I don’t always 100% agree with everything I reblog from other people. Sometimes if I agree with a certain part or just want to show support. In this case, I shared the same sentiment that the Chosen/Found Family aspect of the story could have been better.

If you want to know what @pro-logue-epi-logue meant when they wrote that post, you'll have to ask them. But I can talk about my opinion.

Edit: one thing I did forget to say that I wanted to mention is that there isn't anything in my response is fact or canon. I think, like most of us, that what's being discussed is all interpretations of canon events and the characters. I'm also not trying to persuade anyone to my opinions, as I don't think even I can, or ever have in the past.

Anyway, carry on.

Why do you guys think michael and kai didnt care for emory?

I can’t speak about anyone else’s reasoning, but for me, it’s not that I don’t think that Michael and Kai dislike Emory. What I wanted was for stronger evidence of their bond, since we’re supposed to believe that they are to become a family unit. After they get off the train, though, we only see Michael interact with Emory once. Farther, in Fire Night, I felt that Kai’s interaction with Emory was… chilly, especially when compared with the much warmer interaction that immediately followed between Kai and Winter. This is just my opinion, however, and I’ve spoken with other fans who have felt differently.

I don’t believe that Michael and Kai dislike Emory. I just don’t have enough information to understand their friendships or bonds, which is lousy since I really want to. I think Michael and Kai are both supposed to love Emory. We just don’t get the opportunity to see it.

Because we saw them being protective of alex but not emory?

It has nothing to do with how they treated Alex over Emory. My opinions about the bond Emory would share with any in the group are completely separate from Alex.

otherwise, they wouldnt have taken the jail sentence for beating up her brother (especially when that record stays in paper), and they wouldve treated her like any other side-hoes in this series.

I completely disagree with this idea because I don’t think it had anything to do with Emory. They are loyal to Will.

If Damon wanted to do something for Emory, he had all the proof and opportunity to do so. He didn’t. He was only there because Will wanted to be.

Kai wasn’t completely on-board until he saw Martin preying on an underage girl. After that, it became enough for him to make a move. He made the connection to Emory, but Emory wasn’t his motivation, either. Will was.

Neither of them would have been there if it wasn’t Will who suggested it. And Will wasn’t there for Emory either. He was there for himself, because he was angry. If he were thinking solely about Emory, he wouldn’t have put her at risk by targeting her abuser, who still had access to her through her grandmother.

Now, I don’t expect 19-year-old Will to be thinking all those steps ahead, but I also don’t believe his attacking Martin was for Emory. It was for him. And he suffered the consequences of it.

My opinion is that, in high school, Kai and Michael were mostly indifferent to Emory. They liked her well enough, because Will liked her, but other than that, she wasn’t on their radar. Damon disliked Emory because Will liked her so much. He understood her better when he saw the bruises, but that didn’t change his thinking that Emory was a potential threat to Will’s happiness.

i feel like they just didnt know how exactly to approach emmy by the end of nightfall after all that revelation, orgies, marriage etc., because shes been gone away from thunder bay and them longer than she had been in their lives

It's fine if, at the end of the events in Nightfall, they’re all still getting to know each other. Emory was difficult to know before she left. My problem is that Nightfall has an epilogue that's set 10 years after those events, as does Fire Night, and I still have no idea how Michael and Emory talk to each other, forget how they care for each other. And I have no other scene of Kai and Emory after the one of the train other than the one in Fire Night to get an idea of how they interact.

The problem lies with me. I had expectations of what a Chosen Family would look like and I found the ending to be lacking for a lot of the characters, but especially for Emory.

so to treat someone who did not only had jailed them (even for valid reasons), but was never their friend like alex, or to show emmy even more intimacy than alex who had supported them through so many things, is a bit much, no?

Again, I disagree that Emory was the one who put them in prison, and that might be the reason I struggle so much to like Kai and Michael after that.

They have every right to be mad. I just wish they had directed their anger to a more reasonable target, like Martin.

I’m still not sure how anyone could hear Emory’s story about how she dropped everything she had in San Francisco to fly back to Thunder Bay overnight in an attempt to vindicate Will, only to be physically beaten and threatened with her grandmother’s death, unless she lies on a piece of paper, and think, “She’s the monster here.”

To me, any reasonable person would immediately hate Martin and let Emory off the hook. She clearly suffered enough already.

So yeah, I didn’t agree with their response to Emory, but I understood their anger. My opinion is that it was misdirected, and that's my problem. Even if they were to direct their anger towards Martin, it still doesn't mean they had to like Emory.

I didn’t want them to treat her like of their own. Those bonds take time, and she hadn’t made any kind of dedication to Will at that point, but a little bit of reasonableness and understanding would have been nice. I can’t believe we have to look to Damon in that scene to find it.

Alex's rika's bff, and theyve all been having orgies here and there. Banks kinda like alex too, so that means kai kinda likes her. but i can see why kai and michael were closer to alex than they were to emory,

There’s no denying that Alex had earned her place in that crew. She’d bent over backwards to answer their needs for years before Nightfall. I’ve never believed Emory needed to replace Alex in their eyes. For me, it was never about Michael and Kai or any of the others immediately loving Emory to the same degree that they cared for Alex. That would have been just as weird to me, for the same reasons you mentioned. They don’t know her; they don’t have a reason to trust her. Not yet.

10 years later should be a different story, however.

This was emmys one of many roots of jealousy but its not like anyone's stopping her from going back to thunder bay and confessed to them earlier and try to reconnect with those guys? Whats stopping her?

Martin.

Her pride

The fact that she thinks Will is going to hate her and want revenge, and she still has her grandmother to care for. Remember, her grandmother only died 6 months before the events of Nightfall. That’s nine years she’s been caring for her every single day. She didn’t have the time to deal with Will.

She’s scared to face him.

the world doesnt stop the horsemen from having other friends or hookups, just because emory was not part of it, no? Idk. I hate alex's everything in this series, but i dont think her presence in the ending was unreasonable or out of place.

I think there’s a bit of a misunderstanding where I and Alex am concerned. See, I don’t dislike Alex because of the actions she takes in the books. I don’t mind messy characters who do things that I would never in a million years do. Sometimes, those characters are even more interesting because their story can be exciting.

For me, Alex is a boring, underdeveloped, inconsistent character. I really don’t care that the Horsemen value her. They absolutely should if we’re only looking at what she did for them.

I don’t care that she and Will had a sexual relationship, or friends with benefits, or that they had a close friendship bond. That part makes the most sense to me.

She’s just boring to read about, and that’s mostly why I pick on the things she does. Alex’s role could have been really impact in the end, without changing anything that came before Nightfall, if she’d been used differently. As a reader, you don’t have to like a character to see their purpose. I just felt she was misused in this instance.

I have nothing much to add to your last few paragraphs. I feel that I’ve defended Will Grayson and his relationship with Emory, Alex, and the others so many times before that I would just be repeating myself.

Bottom line, you don’t have to like Will or any of the characters in this series. They’re not all that great. For me, I had a fun time reading, I loved the overall vibe, and I enjoy the way the characters are in my head.

I just wish we got a better understanding of the Family over… whatever it is that we got in the end. Why do they even have enemies? All they’re supposedly doing is running their little corner of the world. And if we’re to believe Rika, “they’re not really criminals.” If that’s the case, then what are you doing??? And why do you have a secret society dungeon? And why does Banks never have a reason to talk to Michael after 10 years? What kind of "family" is this?

I need answers!!

Sorry, forgot to address your second question

I don't really have like a hate list. I mean, of course I don't like Martin or Gabriel, but I liked them as villains. They were decently written characters. And that's the way I like to judge whether it's a "good" character. If you were meant to hate them and you do, that's a well written character. If you were meant to love them and you don't, it's good to look at why.

And I'd never want to meet any of these characters in real life.

I guess I'd have to rate them based on the enjoyment I get from reading them, so to reverse that would be...

Winter, because I find her bland.

Alex, because her character annoys me.

Kai and Michael are currently tied, but I think it's because I was so disappointed in Kai that it hurts more to read from him whereas I don't really care for Michael.

Rika...

I think that's it. I could tolerate or found something interesting about the rest.

-KO

#i don't think i'm going to get my answers #lame #asked and answered #asked and answered 165 #devil's night series stuff #will grayson iii #emory scott #alex palmer #character discussion

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campgender · 1 year

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Yes! Just! Like oh good lord, jesus, yes! Ik u havent even had time 2 respond 2 the rest of my ask (understandable, I am Also nothin if not long winded), & here Im already adding more 2 the pile, but! Ok I didnt wanna like, b 2 presumptuous abt exactly Y it felt like we’re parallel (waves! Hi!) but I also totally was thinkin abt stuff like ‘Im subby af & I think its 4 sure A Factor cuz idk abt Mac but I get the feeling ze is decidedly Less So’ & then u said high femmedom & it was like yes! 1/4

Hello! (Sidenote, ace/stone/sub/bottom combo means I took a Comically long time 2 figure out that those 1st 2 traits werent just extensions of the 2nd 2 lol) Stone resonance, I love that, omigosh. & I think thats exactly where the parallel gets so interesting, w/ the allergy friendly cake (ur talking 2 a fellow ‘I cant eat anything’ celiac here), cuz that ‘Asking 2 much’,

4 me its like, I feel like Im still v much reeling & relishing in the freedom/fear mix of like, submissive acts ofservice r still Acts Of Service & u can b uncomfy w/ them, or even just U Can B Uncomfy W/ Shit, Period, like w/o the need 2 ‘Make up 4 it’, so the idea of sum1 getting off on those boundaries is like, not Bad, but it feels like it kinda undercuts these still v new & healing ideas 4 me, ykno? Like I need it 2 b ok even when no 1 is conveniently in2 it.

& ofc this is me talking on a personal level, like I absolutely Get wanting ppl 2 b in2 it & I love that 4 u, omg. <3 Also that last paragraph, holy shit, I want that, like, on a shirt or embroidered on smth, omg. If this is a disease I sure hope its sexually transmitted, I mean goddamn! Hopefully Im not monopolizing ur inbox lol, but u continue 2 b a poet & a delight. <3 -Baby

omg thank youuu this was, as always, lovely to receive & truly so so validating. that’s the first time anyone has said i have dom vibes & it genuinely makes me tear up 🥺💓💓 also omg stone celiac solidarity!!! <33 that’s so exciting & truly makes me feel like someone out there Gets It

i absolutely feel & affirm smashing the perceived need to “make up for” something to smithereens, that makes a ton of sense & definitely resonates with feelings / needs from a given sexual interaction that i kinda fluctuate in & out of these days. i’m proud of you for doing your best to honor yourself & your boundaries & wish you so much love on this journey!!

& tyyy omg, you’re a delight & i appreciate hearing your thoughts & experiences so much!! also thrilled you appreciated my high femmedom verbiage lol, a fun mac fact is my favorite porn genre in my early 20s was vids that involved a woman getting a guy off without touching him, particularly cbt & getting off on her shoe. & now i’m looking back at that like babe u were sooo oblivious oh my god

like so much of my sexual journey rn is looking at my past self & zyr desires & being like “guess what, you can just do that.” it’s a process that’s baffling + frustrating + deeply pleasurable, & i’m interested to see what other connections remain for me to make. i’ve been keeping a journal of sorts to try to trace these themes with the hope of doing more of what i enjoy in my life

a different thought i’ve been turning over lately & wanted to share with you is how my particular experience of stone + domming + disability troubles the concept of what it means to top someone. like, guys have told me how to fuck myself & i’ve told people how to fuck themselves, & the former were tops or vers who considered that an act of topping me whereas i’m high femme, & the only difference is they wanted it to be their cock rather than my toy whereas i wouldn’t want anything different if i was with someone in person.

so it’s like, is the fantasy what constructs this act differently? the omnipresence of my boundaries? i don’t think there’s a single answer, it’s just fascinating. obv some people don’t consider virtual sex acts to be fucking at all, which i love how my disability + stone + denial challenges bc again, i can fuck someone without touching them in person, too lol

as always thank you for so much food for thought + sense of community!! hope ur doing well, all the best to you 💓💓

#mac.txt #asks #but what gets it for me is high femme #places to be had by #cripsex

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manifesting-mari · 1 year

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Morning Pages 2/7/2023

Joe fromt he dispensary yesterday gave such great advice. If you want something, you just need to out the work in. thats true. It takes time. Im very impatient. Its like im already living in the fantasy, my mind is before my body and its activating ym nervous system. I can feel it and i like this feeling. Its wild. Its kinda making me horny. Is that what existential kink is talkoing about? I also realized i like being scared. It makes me horny. I like being uncomfortable and pushign myself and keeping myself in anxiety and chaos. Cjhaos makes me horny. Fuck im so horny rn. How can i send this energy down to my root. Let me spread this energy around my body and see who need sit. The muscles in my shoulders. I can feel myself sending the energy down to my sit bones and it bouncing up to my shoulders. What if i drop my evergy all the way down to my pelvic bone?

Rather than squeezing up i need to be pushing down, feeling the resistance of the 3d world to understand it better. Integrate myself with the 3d world. Im feeling hungry and craving. Theres a bit of the sacral in the reply tot he impulse of hunger. I want something that is tasty. That’ll hit a craving. Ohh i can make fried zucchini and pan fried rice. Im gonna take a break and do that now. I will take care of myself. I will mother myself. And then i will pleasure myself. And then i will come back and tell you what happened.

Break

I dont value hard work. What do i value?

Ok i’m back! Lol so i made that little note. What do i value. I dont value hard work. Like, i like that my hard work is valued, but i dont personally value it. Like i see where in my programming it is valued. I see the parts of me that are screaming “if youre not sacrificing yourself then youre not worth paying” i dont enjoy having that a part of my life. But it is. So what would EK suggest. It would suggest that i indeed DO value hard work and that i enjoy the sadomasochism of suffering through a job in order to earn my money. I would much rather enjoy investing my time in my work that also helps me learn and grow into the next thing.

I can feel the ways i tyr to make myself small becaus eid ont want responsibility i dont want to step into my power because im afraid ill get it wrong. And david’s advice for me has always been to just get it wrong. I am impatient. So i need to come up with smaller goals so i can more easily track myself and i need to document everything so i can track my progress and be in the present. My brain is hurting. Idk if its the food or the weed but i think i need to lay down or meditate for a bit. Another break

Break

Wow, what a nap, lol. I just got off the phone with Jordan and I’m grateful to be reminded of the wonderfully deep and spiritual convcersations we have. Oi admire their dedication to their growth just as my own.

What really is coming up for me, and even after SChuyler’s meditation, is the over compensation of my gut and my sacral. I need more stabalization in my root. I need to feel like i’m taken care of. Maybe i’m having a hard time because i am avoiding fixing myself. I am avoiding healing these parts of myself that feel broken because i like being broken. I enjoy that narrative. I like being loved but feeling like i dont deserve it. This si my disorganized attachment. I want you to be attracted to me and want me but i dont feel liek i deserve to be wanted or i dont feel that anyone should like it. Its like i get into these relationships with people to prove myself right and then also prove myself well, still right. It proves that someone thinks i’m attracteive and it gives me this validation. But then when i deny their presence, live, and care, then i prove myself right that i dont deserve love. Its fucked tbh lol. I like being this broken work in progress that is still loved even thorough the has loves and her hair is fucked up and she may be a little greasya nd sticky at the same time.

Theres definitely a lot of root work to do. I wanna get that book “waking down” it sounds so interesting. I do feel like ive been living in my braina nd in my crown and fantasy and i wanna brign all that power down to my root too so i can support stronger growth.

I really do like the person that i ma. I liek every part of me that makes me me. I am starting to realize that all these parts of me are valid. All these parts deserve to be here.a nd all the parts can work together. I like who i ma. I’m exciting im sexy, im honest, well, as honest as i can be. I am a liar. I am a truth teller. I am broken and i am healing. I am expanding and getting deeper and deeper and deeper. I am a masterpiece and a work in progress. I am a timeless song that has different covers by different artists. I come in so manyu different versions and styles but the core of me is good. The core of me is loving. The core of me is the divine.

I am starting to trust myself. Today i trust myself more than other days. I am thirsty. Im looking forward to working at the dispensary and having money to invest in healthy, yunmmy foods. I think i need some kind of structure around my food to remind myself of the goals ive been setting. I feel light headed right now and maybe that means i need water. Im gonna get some now. Brb.

Ok, well i gotta get some water on the way home from hanging with Jordan. I’m sure i can put $10 of gas in my car and then but two more poland spring big waters.

This money insecurity is not cute. I think its just my general insecurity manifesting. I feel liek it all revolves around my job. I’d like a secure job that i know will provide me with a regular stream of income.

I keep getting distracted. Idky. right now im thinking about kyds and looking for their next event. I really wanna connect with them. I aim to out my power where it is most productive and beneficial for the greatest good of all. I want to be able to bring the book to kyds and be like, i feel like i need to show you guys this and i want to be able to work with you to keep this book going. Its a meditation that means a lot from me and a book written nd created by people who mean a lot to me.

I dont really know what my body is craving besides water. I think i’ll make those fried rice things for the crab meat. That seems liek a yummy dinner. I have about a half a page left. Im def gonna post this all messy liek this.

I was reading back on my old gratitude journal. I havent written in it in a long time. I always get high and then forget. I wont forget today, i’ll write in ti today. There are lots of things for me to be grateful for, i have so much anger stored in my body and i look forward to releasing it.

Lets see,w hat else should i type about. Maybe i should reach out to diane about a mushroom ceremony? Ir maybe i should look into schuyler’s services? Or maybe i should just take the time to really turn inwards and see whats happening. I can identify whats happening lots of times but then i need support for processing all my nfeelings around it. A lot fo the feelings are grief for not having the opposite of what happened, and angr for what happened. I dont liek the word opposite, lets just say a more loving and positive outcome. So thewres still grief and angrer, and then shame of the things i did or the way i reacted to what happened. i am committed to creating more space for myself and take the time to decide what i want to do

I am really working to check in with myself and make sure im giving myself love, care, and compassion. I think im getting good at that. Today in the meditation schuyler was talking about a bigger Ma. a bigger mother than our mother who feels us a who got us. A bigger power that has us. I am grateful to feel whisps of that power. Thats inside me and inside everything. I am integrating the truth that i am cared for and loved. That everything is working out for the greatest good and my needs are being met.

I am still struggling with my sens eof safety and security. I still feel scared to tell people my truth and scared to be my fullest self. When i point out that fear it feels funny, and it feels like it had less power when its out in the light. It really is this shadow part fo ourselves, this shadow part of me that is working in the background. I think its time to clean out the apps in my psychological library and end the things that are still running in the background and expending my energy. I really do love me.

#morning pages #the artists way

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0ooi · 2 years

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sucks but ive started to realize i just have to stop thinking abt my family. like its such a common thought for me to be like oh what could i have done differently why did they do that what’s wrong with me and the answer is they are fucked up people who would have taken out their anger frustration resentment towards each other on me no matter what i did and i could not have met their standards no matter what not just because i am mentally ill but because they needed a break from constantly being unsatisfied with each other like among other reasons they just immaturely treated me like shit for no reason then pretended it was justified because that was the status quo. that’s what my dad did to my stepmom that’s what he did to me and thats what she turned around to do to me because she had no other form of control. and i would have been a spineless little slug to not have started rebelling against that. and the way THEY reacted was always inappropriate, and it’s so fucking absurd that they pretended that i was dangerous when i displayed bipolar symptoms instead of getting me help. i was the one expected to keep composure and be diplomatic and emotionless and perfect as an unmedicated teenager and when they couldn’t control me to an insane degree they couldn’t handle the disruption to their abusive household. and they are finished with me now which idk i was so intensely triggered by them over the years just trying to get something like validation out of them or stability and i would always blow up when i couldnt and of course now im the ruined mentally ill stepchild they want nothing to do with how could She have turned out this way we did our best Oh Well. i was always viewed as disposable and stained because of my mother and treated like 2nd class in that house bc of that anyways. there was nothing i could have done to prevent it because i was a child and i was unmedicated and i deserved better. i don’t care what they think of me now because i don’t respect them and i can see their dynamic for what it is. absolutely pathetic. a closed circuit, completely hopeless and they will never heal. my stepmom will be trapped in a shitty abusive marriage until she dies because she is a coward. she decided to treat me like shit because she is a coward. i hope my siblings will be okay but i cant do anything but be there for them. it feels good letting go of some of the responsibility ive put on myself about this and them. i thought i would feel sadder but i really don’t. i’m just done. i actually do not care, because how could i? how can you care about someone who thinks so little of you, no matter what you do and no matter how much you grow. how can you care about someone who loves you so so so conditionally.

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semipretentious · 2 years

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I relapsed and i feel so fucking stupid sosososososo stupid so stupid. you stupid bitch!!! the last two times ive relapsed was after a huge huge fight/ almost break up w my bf, then i look manipulative.

after we had fought for hours where i had a full bpd split rage fit turned dont leave me screaming on the floor, i said okay im gonna give u space and go calm down in the shower and he said pls pls dont cut yourself in there. so i was honest and said i alr did, (when he were crying in the shower earlier (bc i was being so mean)) and it made him upset & i felt so fucking bad but i was freaking the fuck out screaming at the top of my lungs and idk how my neighbors havent called the cops fr.

Since being off my meds the last two months ive had 4 full mental breakdowns. 1 involving sh relapse and another involving him having to physically restrain me bc i was beating myself in the head and slapping myself. He doesn’t deserve this and he said the other night that was the last time, it’s too much. he said being with me is draining. I love him more than anything but he said it doesnt feel like it. I truly have let my mental illness take control of my life, control of me. I am a shell of a person, barely living, and when I go out it’s all based on lies abt how/ what im doing.

So anyway my goal for tomorrow is to make an apt with my old therapist (hopefully she has some openings soon) thus start dbt back IMMEDIATELY. Prior to writing this, bc i needed an outlet, i was reading thru one of a few books im gonna read and send the relative points to my bf abt being ina relationship w someone w bpd. I encourage anyone struggling with maintaining relationships to check them out, i like workbooks etc bc i find them validating and helpful, idk why the fuck I stopped trying lmao

Anyone w bpd reading this thinking nah ill be okay off my meds... lol.. get back on! its literally my fault. I just haven’t bothered to make an apt w the dr to get it straight. Ughh heres to healing I guess??? ugh

#tw #tw cutting mention #tw sh mention #living with bpd #actually bpd #bpd vent

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astrxlis-archive · 2 years

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Hello again, Fox!! 😍 I have answered the quizzes you linked. I also included some of my thoughts :)

my results for the quizzes you linked!:

1. which (unhealthy) coping mechanism are you [link] - we basically have the same result but i'm still linking it

2. how do you love [link]

- my only comment for this is: i dont know if i get it or not 🤣 if you have an idea, please do tell me how you understood it. no but most of the time, some uquiz results would be poetic but also confusing like it's just there to make you like the standing person emoji xD HOWEVER! the "...smallest of gazes..." called me out because. because yeah 😭 i. i like mutual pining. hahaha. haha.

3. which folklore song are you? [link]

- this. this is so true for me. i like sunrises. i just dont know about the tarot thingy bc it's like astrology to me- very confusing and there's reversed card stuff with new meanings like can someone teach me this so i could have a new fixation even if i dont believe in it xD

4. what kind of book ending would i write for you? [link]

- my thoughts on your result: i could... feel the sense of an dystopian setting like nier's. there's so much that you've gone through, so much that you have lost which made you almost lost yourself in the process. then there's this last last one thing you will lose in the story. something you might be probably holding on for too long, or holding on you for too long. the road was rough, and you're tired. the suffocation vanished the moment "this" certain thing left you in peace. you never felt joy from losing something after so many years. you're alone, but you've find your peace and breathable freedom.

- about my results this time: man. it was funny at first because i cant swim but around the latter half silence surrounded me and i teared up a bit. because i always feel like im already spoiling my self with validation from others to "heal" my wounds but those words feel so nice to read. it feels like an ointment. 👌

5. where does your fear reside in your body? [link]

- Fox, please let me give you a hug :<

— 🍰.

helloooo 🍰❣️

sorry this took so long, my finals are approaching and i got hit by a really bad depressive episode 🫠 anyway!

about result 1: man🧍imo it takes a lot of courage to feel the big scary emotions. i shut them down mostly bc i don't have time for them, which is not very healthy 😂 do you think the result is accurate for you?

about result 2: dude this result is beautiful???? hello???? i think it's a way to say you're also more of an action instead of words type of person, and that your actions are also more "intense", but in a good way. that's my understanding of it, so feel free to disagree 😂 it's a very poetic result indeed. also, mutual pining huh? interesting.......

about result 3: it fits you very well!!! i can't help you with the tarot thing bc i don't really believe in it but at the same time it feels... off? to me 😅 idk how to explain it. but good luck with learning it if you get the chance to!!

about result 4: dude, i both love and hate how spot on you are in your interpretation of my result. it's kind of what i'm going through right now? i havent found the thing causing this whole mess yet, but like 🧍,,,,, about your result, though. first of all, i'm really glad you got the happy ending!!!!! it made me smile when i read the title bc it absolutely fits you!! and like you, i read it and teared up. i hope you know it's ok to be tired of giving, and its ok to be "selfish" and want things for yourself (even if its not really being selfish, but being human). its also ok to want external validation. we crave it bc we want to know we're doing well. it's normal. especially after being hurt. healing is a b tch, and it's hard, and having someone to cheer you on is so important 🥺 its ok to stop pulling people to the shore and just let yourself be pulled to it as well, whether by someone else or by the currents. you deserve a happy ending, dear 🥰🥰 and a happy middle as well!!

about result 5: you,,, got such a normal fear response?? i'm happy for you but at the same time i'm jealous? 😂 do those things fascinate you? or do they just terrify you? 👀

as for your request:

sorry for how long it took for this reply, expect more to come soon ❣️

see you soon!!!

#—new mail !#—the burrow's 🍰#whimsical is such a pretty word ehehehehe #i could use a hug right now #actually i can always use a hug bc my love language is physical touch my dude

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