#i will just lie and say i have because i cannot fathom that they won't think im weird if i say no | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shiftingconfessions · 19 days

Note

Why getting offended over something ANOTHER person will do in ANOTHER reality? It has nothing to do with you, regardless if you agree or not with their choices. The problems of THIS reality are the problems of THIS reality. To get into shifting, first accept infinity. Accept that shifting is not moral, ethic, logical. Accept real change. Your choosen life is not a book. You are not writing a book. It's not a show people from here will be watching.

This will probably be the last time I speak about it. Don't commit to something you can't understand or don't care to understand. Don't commit to a practice you don't really know about. You'll get into shifting and see people publicly saying they are doing something in their dr's you don't agree with. You know what to do about that? Absolutely nothing. If you can't accept this, maybe shifting is not for you.

Ego, misinformation, lies aren't welcome in spirituality or any cosmic practice either. Log off TikTok. Log off Instagram. Shifting is not on the screen, neither on your head. Try taking it a little more seriously instead of a fun hobby that came out of TikTok. Do not trust everything blindly. What others say of shifting (especially the new age) cannot always be true.

There are people who lie about their experiences and get away with it because everyone refuses to NOT believe everything. Seriously, stop believing every pseudo post online.

You may not agree with me. That's completely fine. Still, in these last few years, TikTok surely made people start twisting and confusing the practice. In science and spirituality, experimenting, learning, and studying is essential. Also, yes, shifting can be a mix of beliefs. Yes, people can believe in whatever they want, but it becomes dangerous when it crosses the line. I'll always say this: be careful with yourself, your limits and mental health. Do not let the despair or urgency mess with your head.

Also, if someone race changes, ages themselves down or whatever they do with THEIR lives is THEIR choice. You clearly don't understand anything about infinity if you keep bothered by people doing these things. "It's bad" "only x people believe it's okay", literally, you haven't known the real community to say this. There are people from multiple races who race changes in their dr's, age themselves down, do whatever they want. You should do what makes you comfortable. Infinity is not about what's right and wrong. It doesn't exist when we talk about multiverse/reality switching. Most of these cases are stupid and most of these people won't even come back after they shift, stop being so bothered. Later, you complain that no one shares stories or dr things anymore. The community is dying etc etc. Of course it is and it will keep on fading away because of stupid shaming you do towards other's lives that has NOTHING to do with yours. Absolutely nothing. YOU create problems that don't even exist in the whole shifting concept and if you hate this, go to a reality where everything is exactly as you want. Every shifter follows what you want them to. You're also a shifter, right?

Infinity is not a fairytale and it can be quite "ugly" to our human minds. Man made laws do not apply to this. It's not about having no morals, but about understanding that the whole shifting concept doesn't need them. Infinity doesn't need it. Spirituality doesn't need it. People have free will, as well as you. You can have your opinions, but shifting is not about that. You keep killing the practice every time you be like "this is bad" "this is wrong" "this is problematic" If you think so, then quit, or at least try to be more open minded. You have the option to block people and ignore them if you don't agree with them. You have the option to quit if you can't fathom the rawness of shifting.

Take care of YOUR lives. Do not create discussions over all of it. Personally, I think these opinions are just personal thoughts of a quite closed minded person. Don't speak about infinity if you're going to keep making posts about "shifting things that don't sit well with me", "things you shouldn't do in your Dr" etc. It doesn't sit well with you because you can't understand the practice and what you're trying to do. You all want to be spiritual and shift but only when it's romanticized and "polite". When the real spirituality and the real shifting comes through, you get weirded out. You know why? That's because you don't understand a single thing of what you claim to be. You're just trying to be trendy, most probably. Non-human things won't adapt to your tiny human mind. YOU adapt to them.

I won't try to change your mind. I have no obligation. If you want to keep pretending to understand things and then keep making up discussions, it's your problem. You learn spirituality off TikTok and Instagram and go around claiming to be spiritual. You learn shifting off TikTok and go around claiming to be a shifter. Get outside and start truly learning something for once.

"I studied and still think it's wrong" then don't practice, or at least, stop sharing your opinions as solid facts/rules. Stop shaming others. Keep it to yourself. You're not "calling problems out", you're CREATING problems. You're making a new shifting inside your head to adapt to yourself. YOU adapt to shifting, not the opposite.

"this community is so problematic" then quit. No one is holding you hostage. I ain't going to be the good positive affectionate shifter that will keep trying to motivate you. Besides, you hating on race changers or people who do "wrong" things in their dr's, yet, you use THEIR methods, THEIR informations. Hope you know that. If you're unhappy, then start doing your own stuff and, again, shift to a reality where the community has the same thoughts as you etc.

I had more to say, but I'll just stop by here because I know these words won't change anything. Some of you just see shifting as a fanfiction and treat spirituality as an accessory and your behavior shows it.

#reality shifting #shiftblr #shifting realities #desired reality #shifting community #shifting #shiftcourse

26 notes · View notes

blackstarchanx3new · 9 months

Text

Four Swords Returns 187-191

The death scene re-write because I feel the OG is rushed and goofy and this is my AU so there's cannon divergence.

A bit of a rant under the cut about some choices I made in these pages I won't save for "FSR rambles".

Hot spicey meatball take: Vio deserved to hold this man once while he died I just cannot fathom why they let him lie on the ground. Did Nintendo say "Nah Akira you've made em too fucking fruity this comic he can't hold him while he dies" I genuinely don't understand the awkward direction otherwise for that scene. She got chastised for stupider things from what I saw in some of the interviews lmfao

Also, I'm a real stickler when I think Vio should cry. Because 99% of the time I've seen fan content where he cries I go "...I don't think he'd do that here"

Like I'm of the opinion you have to emotionally OBLITERATE this man before he sheds a tear and he's the type who doesn't realize he's crying and when he does he starts to ugly sob because that's hilarious.

"WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!?!?!"

"Vio that's crying, you're crying."

"BALLS, IT FEELS AWFUL! HOW DO YOU DO THIS ALL THE TIME!?"

No shade if you do write him crying, I've stated a hundred times my opinions are formed of MY reading of the manga and shouldn't dictate what fan content you make. Demanding otherwise would be fucking stupid.

I will point out just cause it's interesting: He literally only cried ONCE in the manga that I caught while re-reading it a million times and its when Green almost broke his fucking foot. He's pretty stoic otherwise.

I do think he deserves to be able to cry over someone he cares about tho lmfao. Also this is will be fun in FSR later...Muhahahaha.

Also I get to retcon Vaati's "death".

And I straight up don't wanna hear no sentiments of "if Vaati didn't truly die Shadow Link's sacrifice was meaningless" crap cause uh...Nah they were getting their asses Beat in the quote retweets- HANDED to them on a silver plater, would have fucking LOST if he didn't break the mirror regardless if it killed him here or not lmfao and they wouldn't have been able to part the dark clouds to save Zelda and ya know...WIN.

My point is: Shadow still saved their asses here regardless of the "Vaati lived actually" retcon in FSR.

Also, made Shadow have cracks in his skin cause he broke mirror hur-de-durr funny art thingy go brrr also visible representation of him dying cause I didn't feel like making him go transparent that is a pain in the ass.

#four swords adventures #four swords manga #four swords returns #four swords returns au #shadow link #loz fsr au #loz #four swords #green link #vio link #vio #vidow

127 notes · View notes

nofomogirl · 2 months

Text

Before the Beginning (part 1.5.)

Part 1.1. | Part 1.2. | Part 1.3. | Part 1.4.

In this post, I'm going to wrap part 1 up and I won't lie, I'm really nervous. I feel like I've made a tall and wobbly tower of blocks and now I need to make something coherent out of it. Make all this rambling have a point.

Plus, I'll need to talk about Final Fifteen, and that's inherently nerve-wracking.

You say I've already written about it? Whole 9 posts about Metatron's manipulation, picking it apart step by step? Yes, I did. But that's the point - it was about Metatron. I skipped the worst part - the last conversation between Aziraphale and Crowley.

I couldn't avoid it forever. Let's scratch and poke at that wound.

Fair warning though: there won't be any stark revelations. I'm just processing things by writing about them.

Let's start with some facts. These are all hard canon:

Crowley used to be an angel

Aziraphale used to know him back then

They both remember it, at least partly

The Fall transformed Crowley

And these are not canonical facts, but relatively safe guesses:

They don't talk about it

Crowley avoids thinking about it

Aziraphale has no clue how Crowley feels about it

Honestly, it appears that Crowley's pre-Fall identity is more of a taboo for him than the Fall itself. Sure, the Fall is still a sore topic, and he doesn't exactly discuss it, but he is talking about it, if only a little bit, and on some occasions he even brings it up himself. But when his angelic past is mentioned he just refuses to go there. He shuts it down on the spot with no regard for the circumstances.

This exact happened in Final Fifteen, except this time Aziraphale wasn't just pointing out Crowley used to be an angel, he also suggested Crowley may become an angel.

Just look at the dialogue, especially Crowley's responses.

M: (...) it might be considered irregular, but it would certainly be within your jurisdiction to restore your friend, Crowley, to full angelic status. C: He said what? A: He said I could appoint you to be an angel. You could come back to Heaven and... and everything. Like the old times. Only even nicer. C: Right. And you told him just where he could stick it, then? A: Not at all. C: Oh, we're better than that, you're better than that, angel! You don't need them. I certainly don't need them! Look, they asked me back to Hell, I said no. I'm not rejoining their team. Neither should you.

A lot of people pointed out how they were talking past each other the whole scene, not really hearing what the other was saying. I wholeheartedly agree and I think it started right here, with Crowley refusing to acknowledge and address what Aziraphale had said and ever so subtly - most likely unconsciously - steering the conversation away from the topic and into the miscommunication storm.

I mean, just look at what happened. In slow motion.

Metatron offered Aziraphale the job of the supreme archangel.

Aziraphale said No, I don't want to.

Metatron then altered the offer and said if Aziraphale took the job, he could turn Crowley back into an angel.

Problems start here.

S3 may change my mind but right now I am convinced Aziraphale doesn't really understand what the Fall was. He doesn't understand what it was objectively, and he doesn't understand what it means to Crowley personally. This is why Metatron's offer seems so attractive to him. He sees only pros and no cons. He cannot fathom what could be undesirable about it.

Metatron, on the other hand, knows much much more. That's why he feels safe making this seemingly generous offer - he knows it will cost him nothing because Crowley won't take it. Not only that, he knows the mere mention will trigger Crowley, and make him irrational. That in turn will upset and trigger Aziraphale thus making him more vulnerable and easier to manipulate.

Back to the scene.

Aziraphale goes to Crowley and reiterates Metatron's offer to him. He tells him that if he takes it, Crowley can be an angel again.

Now this is the important part. How does Crowley respond to it?

He immediately gets angry. Not amusingly annoyed or endearingly peeved, but properly angry.

And then he goes on a rant about why he and Aziraphale shouldn't rejoin their old sides. And that's... not entirely relevant.

For quite some time I couldn't figure out why Aziraphale's "Well, obviously you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys" didn't upset me as much as it logically should. Sure, I'm Aziraphale's defender and apologist but this line is objectively unfair to Crowley. I should be disappointed and frustrated. So why would I feel like I wanted to agree with it, even though my brain clearly didn't?

Then it finally clicked. It wasn't what Aziraphale said, especially not the "you're the bad guys" part. It was about his tone. I could relate viscerally to how ridiculous he found Crowley's argument to be. Because honestly Crowley, baby, what are you talking about? What do you think you're proving to your angel here? How is the offer you were made to go back to Hell even remotely comparable?

Sure, they appear to be almost the same on the surface. Beelzebub told Crowley he could go back to Hell, and become a Duke. Metatron told Aziraphale he could go back to Heaven and become a Supreme Archangel. But that similarity disappears if - unlike Crowley - you don't conveniently take bits and pieces out of context but look at the whole thing.

Beelzebub's offer was that if Crowley helped them find Gabriel he would be allowed to go back to Hell and become a Duke. Metatron's offer was that if Aziraphale returned to Heaven and became the Supreme Archangel, he would be able to make Crowley an angel.

Rejoining his old side (with a promotion) was meant to be a prize for Crowley, but a price for Aziraphale.

Both of our ineffable spouses love Earth and given the absolute freedom of choice, they would like to live there forever. Preferably undisturbed by any supernatural institution in any way. I don't think anybody doubts that. Leaving Earth and getting involved with their former sides - no matter the rank - was the exact opposite of that, the exact opposite of what either of them wanted.

Crowley was offered that undesirable thing as a reward, so obviously he said no.

Aziraphale was offered that undesirable thing as a part of a package deal which also contained something he perceived as highly desirable, so obviously he considered it.

But Crowley reacted as if Metatron's offer was the same as Beelzebub's offer. As if it was all about Aziraphale being invited back to Heaven. He focuses on trying to convince the angel not to go, on explaining how Heaven isn't good at all, and finally on confessing and offering to run away together. He tries everything except responding to the actual offer and simply saying he doesn't want to be an angel.

I believe the main reason was what I listed among the safe guesses - that it was too difficult to talk or even think about. So he focused on the other part instead. It came easily because (a) anything that wasn't thinking about himself as an angel was great at the moment, and (b) the idea of Aziraphale leaning toward Heaven yet again was something he had strong feelings and opinions about.

Sadly, Aziraphale helped him steer the conversation away from the point with his response. The infamous "you're the bad guys. But Heaven... Well, it's the side of Truth. Of Light. Of Good."

I believe that was a point of no return beyond which the whole situation couldn't be saved. Not right then and there. Not without both of them stepping away and calming down. But somebody made sure they wouldn't be able to do it...

And the worst part is, I don't think there was all that much faith behind Aziraphale's words. I firmly believe he honestly wasn't interested in taking Metatron's offer unless Crowley went with him. But as he got unbalanced he fell into old mental grooves.

If you don't mind, I'll stop here. I neither have it in me to break apart the entire conversation (perhaps I'll face this monster one day but no promises) nor is it necessary for this series of posts.

The point of which - in case you've forgotten, which I, admittedly, made very easy for you - is that (1) Crowley was substantially transformed by the Fall, (2) he does not identify with his past angelic persona and is pretty much unable to think about himself in those terms, (3) Aziraphale severely underestimates the depth of the transformation, (4) has very little knowledge and understanding about Crowley's feelings on the entire matter, and (5) it let him to making a lot of assumptions.

Another thing I am not going to discuss here is what Aziraphale thinks he's offering Crowley. Perhaps the subject will get its turn one day. For now, suffice it to say, that what Aziraphale is offering - or rather what Metatron has offered - is most definitely NOT what Aziraphale believes it to be.

In the opening post, I pointed out that angel!Crowley didn't have any visible serpentine traits (he had brown eyes with regular round irises and he didn't have his sigil/tattoo), and I proposed a theory that it's supposed to hint at a lack of serpentine nature. That Crowley wasn't originally a snake but became one during or after the Fall.

If we look at Aziraphale's offer through these lenses, Crowley's unyielding rejection of it takes on a whole different meaning. It isn't about principles anymore or about Crowley's feelings getting hurt or his worth possibly being questioned. It isn't symbolic. It's very real.

The offer to restore Crowley to full angelic status very likely means a repetition of the Fall - a painful transformation that mangles the spirit and alters parts of a person beyond repair.

The offer to make Crowley an angel may very well mean the eradication of snake!Crowley.

I don't believe Aziraphale understands it.

Crowley couldn't bear thinking about it so he never talked about it.

Thus concludes part 1.

I am very emotionally tired.

Thank you for reading.

#good omens #good omens 2 #post series #good omens meta #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #very long post #before the beginning #final fifteen

38 notes · View notes

libraryofbaxobab · 6 months

Text

November 7, 2023:

I'm really sorry, but I didn't like this. Not just because I physically recoiled every time the main character referred to her vulva as her "kitty cat" and sex as "S" like we're in fucking middle school, although that should have been enough. The characters all appear to be supremely insecure about sex, yet that is literally all they talk about. But more than that, the microscopic examination of body language as if it speaks volumes, disjointed dialogue, childish overreactions, and uncomfortable sexual overtones all combined to make me feel annoyed and vaguely embarrassed.

I kind of had a mini identity crisis about it, actually. I've found that a lot of recent popular queer literature doesn't make me feel seen; rather, I feel actively excluded. I just can't connect with this book and others like it, for a reason that's hard to describe. Like normally, I can relate to characters who are unlike me and in unknowable situations because I can understand their feelings, motivations, and wants and therefore understand their words and actions. Not so here. I don't know why any of this. Like, I can tell when characters are very uncomfortable about certain topics, but I cannot fathom why and the book won't explain it to me. This is supposed to be very funny, but I don't get any of the jokes. I can't even tell where the jokes are. I think pretty much every character sucks but not in a relatable "We all know someone just like that!" way. They each seem like a caricature but of whom I can't tell. Is that the joke? Are these parodies of people I should recognize? Should I take what they're saying at face value or consider them naïve? Are the shifting pronouns of the butch supposed to be a joke? The graphic performance art that takes place? The characters acting like children for no reason? The definition of femininity as unmitigated jealousy of other femmes? The casual alcohol abuse and embarrassing sexual reverberations? All this makes me feel like I'm not Enough. That I'm not active in the community enough, that I'm not reading the right articles, that I'm not following The Discourse closely enough, that I'm not putting on the correct performance, and therefore I'm not queer enough because that's how they define queerness: performance and fantasy. It strikes me as vaguely religious. And it hurts my feelings, not gonna lie.

This was way more personal that I ever meant to get, but I really can't give an objective explanation why I found this read awful. What numerical value can I give to something that actually made my life worse?

X/10 #WhatsKenyaReading

4 notes · View notes

eleanorfenyxwrites · 2 years

Text

WIP Wednesday

LQR & LJY

[Beginning]

Jingyi huddles closer to Hanguang-Jun and curls one hand into a fist in his trailing sleeve. He doesn’t want Hanguang-Jun to let go of him - now that he knows for sure how it feels to be hugged he’s terrified of not getting to have it again, but only Hanguang-Jun seems to be willing to do it. If he lets go now, who knows how long it’ll be before Jingyi gets to be held again? It’s not like the babies who get held any time they cry plus a whole bunch more even when they don’t. If he cries it doesn’t make a difference.

“Jingyi,” Lan-xiansheng calls and Jingyi whimpers a little on accident as he buries his face in Hanguang-Jun’s side. “You must let Hanguang-Jun go back to his own home for the night. You may see him again tomorrow.”

Jingyi chances a tiny peek up at Hanguang-Jun’s stoic face. He’s already looking down at him again, and after a long moment he reaches over with his free hand to rest heavily on top of his head. Jingyi’s eyes abruptly grow heavy and he slumps a little under the weight of Hanguang-Jun’s hand, forced to relax under the double pressure of it and the arm around his back. Hanguang-Jun doesn’t touch his ribbon, of course, but he still swipes his thumb gently back and forth across his forehead a few times until Jingyi is genuinely fighting to keep his eyes open.

“Go to sleep, Jingyi,” Hanguang-Jun tells him quietly. Everything he does is so quiet. Jingyi wonders if Hanguang-Jun could teach him how to be quiet like that. “I will see you tomorrow. I promise.”

A promise? Jingyi fights his losing battle against his drowsiness to open his eyes enough to check and make sure Hanguang-Jun is being serious, and of course he looks exactly the same as ever. And he doesn’t lie. He never lies. So Jingyi nods and finally releases his grip on Hanguang-Jun to get clumsily to his feet and face Lan-xiansheng.

“Come on. Get ready for bed, it’s past hai shi.”

“Goodnight Hanguang-Jun,” Jingyi remembers to say with a bow that Hanguang-Jun acknowledges with a regal nod that makes him feel…important. Like it matters that he said goodnight. Like Hanguang-Jun appreciates that he did. That’s silly, of course, but he feels it just the same and he lets it warm him down to his fingers and toes as he rummages through his little bundle of things to fish out his toys and his spare robes. He can hear quiet conversation behind him and then the low rasp of the door sliding shut, and it suddenly occurs to him that he’s alone with Lan-xiansheng again.

Without Hanguang-Jun for protection, Jingyi can’t help but worry that Lan-xiansheng is going to find something to scold him for. He scrambles to hide all his toys again in his hastily-folded robes lest he be seen as trying to play instead of getting ready to sleep, but all Lan-xiansheng does is douse all the lights but the one nearest the beds before he approaches and sits down on his own larger one in the other corner.

“You will likely find it difficult to sleep in a new place tonight,” Lan-xiansheng tells him, his voice no less stern than usual but a little quieter. It’s oddly comforting - steady and strong, unyielding as stone, but low enough that Jingyi doesn’t feel like he’s being scolded. “If you cannot sleep, wake me and I will help you.”

Wake…Lan-xiansheng? Jingyi blinks and nods since Lan-xiansheng seems to be waiting for an answer, but the idea is so ridiculous Jingyi can’t really fathom it and immediately decides that he won’t actually do it, no matter how hard it is to fall asleep. The aunties always hate it when any of the kids besides the babies wake them up, after all, and Lan-xiansheng is so important and always has to do so many things in a day; anytime Jingyi sees him he seems busy, and he’s always frustrated when he has to stop what he’s doing to carry out one of Jinyi’s punishments. He shouldn’t have to miss out on sleep just because Jingyi is afraid, therefore Jingyi won't bother him.

[Previous] / [Next]

#the untamed fanfic #WIP Wednesday #Lan Qiren #Lan Jingyi

25 notes · View notes

rev3rb · 2 years

Note

Hello again! Wow wow wow. What the hell Yu?!? I was legit almost crying during Mika’s speech about his guilt around his family & sacrifice only for Yu to turn around and say ‘f them kids AND f the rest of humanity’ 🤣 He turned Mika into an unwilling accomplice in order to completely ignore his wishes omfggg. And now he’s turning back to Asuramaru?? He’s nearly lost it, like I cannot fathom being that obsessed with someone you’ve technically only known for ~5yrs of your childhood (obviously they have their past connection but they don’t even know jack about that!!). I mean, imagine going to bat like that for someone who you only knew through elementary school?? If he actually stopped the revival, it would literally be way more selfish than Guren’s original decision. He would genuinely become a villain in the story 🫣 But at least it would be real proof that trauma bonding and homosexuality are real bc seriously?! All of this during Pride Month?! I guess I kinda gotta support him lolol. Yuichiro is not a morally grey protagonist we asked for, but he’s the one we deserve

Hello hello, Anon!

Yeaaaaah. On one hand, what the hell Yu, but on the other, is it really a surprise? This is the same character that was talking about how he didn't want to live anymore since Mika was dead. The same character who wanted to die back when his family (and more importantly, Mika as he believed at the time) was killed. I won't lie though. I thought Mika successfully convinced him there for a second. Goes to show you that it really is Mika > everyone else.

As you say, it's wild how strongly Yu feels about Mika despite their frankly limited time together compared to everyone else. Yu has been Sika Madu's experiment this entire time though, and it seems like he was meant to be specifically tied to Mika. Makes you wonder if that strong bond was... manufactured? Purposeful? In which case, wouldn't be interesting if Yu was "programmed" to be a protector of sorts that was meant to help ensure that Mika was revived, just like Sika Madu wants. Just a fun thought. Anyways.

Yes, Yu is being incredibly selfish, but on one hand, Yu's not exactly wrong. While he didn't explicitly say it, he's sorta implying he doesn't owe the world anything, and that's true. He really doesn't. Now is saving the world the right thing to do? Yes. No question about that. That's what any typical protagonist would do right? Not Yu though. Yu has always been somewhat selfish. Everyone in this series is at some point. It's what makes them interesting. No one is quite the classic morally good character. They're grey as you say.

Oh, Ashuramaru. I too was wondering where he went, but it's nice to see he's still around. I'm curious as to if the stormy background in those panels is a result of Yu's current state, or if it's because Ashuramaru had been sort of locked away or something like that. I'm also super interested to see Ashuramaru's take on everything here. He's on Sika Madu's side, but he seems to care about Yu. Plus Krul is here. Gotta wonder if that'll sway his opinions at all.

As a last note. I found it kind of funny that, despite being suspicious and standoffish towards Guren this entire time, Mika sort of defended him this chapter. He was the one to continuously point out all he went through to get to this point. Guren finally revealing his proper plan likely helped that, but I like to think that it's also Mika being able to look at things subjectively, which is nice.

I'm interested to see where this all goes. I don't have a solid reason for it, but some part of me believes that Yu intends to try and find a way to revive both Akane and the kids and Mika. Now that would be typical protagonist behavior.

Thanks for checking in again this month!

#Owari no Seraph #OnS 115 #OnS 115 spoilers #Owari no Seraph spoilers #Yuichiro Hyakuya #Mikaela Hyakuya #Asks #Anonysis Asks #My posts

23 notes · View notes

theramblingteenagegirl · 10 months

Text

saturday, july 15th. 2023

i slept really good last night. after talking to you, everything in my head is a little less loud. the only way i can explain the peace swarming me is like when it's pouring rain, it's beating down on the roof and then it just stops. and the silence is so tranquil. that's exactly how my brain feels. i can't lie and say that at the first sound of your voice, my warm tears weren't already wetting my cheeks. but the sound of your crackling laugh, even your sigh. i didn't know i would miss your breathing. i sound pretty crazy, right? i have too much hope that this is going to work out. i just cannot fathom meeting and connecting with someone as good as you and then just calling it quits because of technicalities. when i lay beside you and I'm feeling all the spasms of your muscles and i'm caressing your face, I'm not thinking of the distance between our ages or me going to school in a month. I'm just soaking you in through my pores, praying to my lucky stars that i never forget the simple slow moments. i told you before and i will tell you a million times over, the way i feel when I'm with you is worth a thousand problems every day. you asked me if it would be better that you just end things now than in six months when you 'fuck up'. and i told you no. because truthfully it's worth it to me. no matter how brief, even if we don't make it to freaking 40 years together- the connection we share is enough for me. it doesn't have to last lifetimes to be worth it. i just want you to stop pulling away from me because you're scared. i want to build and coddle every part of you you're scared of showing me. i should've told you in the beginning how much of a poet i can be. then maybe you would have been ready to be turned into art. through all my words, I'm highlighting the best of you- hoping that these words will sink into that mushy tissue behind your eyes. don't deny me something like this because of your fear, you're so much stronger than that. we're so much stronger than that. we're basically a power couple. I'm not this fragile china doll. you're not doing social justice by trying to leave, i won't thank you for this. you have this thing about being my first boyfriend and you're scared to like blacken me with a bad experience. but know that i will always be touched by you wether this lasts years or it ends tomorrow. i will carry everything you've said. my heart will skip when i see a soccer ball. it all sounds dumb and juvenile but i mean it. i mean everything with you. everything, everything, everything.

0 notes

truth-for-lies · 2 years

Text

I hate complaining about my body and constantly saying I'm fat, because I know I need to do more physical activity (my eating is fine thank you very much, some might even say I unde eat).

But the problem is, I only really get any kind of urge or motivation to do some exercise when I'm at work, usually when I have just done a number of tasks and am feeling productive.

By the time I get home from work, my brain shuts down to the point of "must lie down, cannot function otherwise".

Like I know I need to do some sit ups or something, anything really to get increase my energy expenditure, but when you're so fucking depressed you're not bothered to do even the simplest of tasks (I sometimes do not wash my hair, I put off showering as long as possible because I am stuck sitting on the floor or lying in bed, I never even have much desire to put some food together to eat), how can anyone expect me to just "get up and move".

I just cannot fathom doing anything besides what is absolutely required and expected of me by other people. I don't even have much desire to see friends anymore. All I can do is lay in bed.

Don't even consider asking me to just do exercise on the weekend, because I won't even do grocery shopping if it's not really needed. I literally lay in bed all weekend, the only "chore" I did was the laundry, and that was simply because if I didn't I wouldn't have had clean clothes for work this week.

#I am so fucking out of motivation and energy for life #Like I'm not sure anyone gets it #Or cares to get it #Not that I really explain it to anyone #But still #No one takes an interest in me besides the polite chat at work #Idk I'm just over living man #I'm so fucking over it #Sigh #Personal #Thoughts #Feelings #Body image #Body weight #Depressed #Depression #Bpd

1 note · View note

ryoceann · 3 years

Note

Hi. Itk here. Believe me, don't, doesn't matter. Thought I'd drop (after you summoned ha) by given the chaos and try to enlighten the ones who choose to believe me, as much as I'm capable of.

The first thing I wanna say is: stop trying to figure out their relationship. You most likely never will. Fans are stuck on both extremes, when the actuality of it is far more in the middle (perhaps even up or down and all around ha). It's complex and strange and not at all "normal" (as normal as they could be, anyways).

It's not as simple as "oh they're just a closeted couple who engage in bearding and have kids and behind closed doors they're just a regular, old married couple and a big, happy rainbow family".

Doesn't sound like itk info, believe me, I get that but observing the fandom I'd say it almost is because most fans simply hang on extreme simplistic ideas of what their relationship is.

Second thing I'd like to say and unfortunately seems like it's not at all obvious but: do not believe anything they share publicly. Not saying they're lying compulsively, but they are public figures and they have a lot at stake to just casually drop the actual truth of any given situation.

Just don't. The same salt you have regarding itks, have towards them. It'd do you some good...Believe me. Unless you are involved in the entertainment or political life, you cannot even begin to fathom what it's really like, the level of manipulation, falsehood and well, overall deviation of it. It's quite disturbing tbh. So just always take whatever's said and shown with a good amount of salt. With public people hardly anything is accidental or casual.

I think the most prominent question now is...Why? Why would they do something like that? Regardless if you have the ingenuity to believe the little scene they made or not...Still, the question lingers.

With my level of "in the knowness" I cannot for sure say the real reason, yet from the pieces I've collected so far, seems to be a multiple gain scheme. It was a high risk, they were well aware, and it paid out in the way they were expecting, minus small bumps here and there. But overall it seemed to have worked in their favor. How in the hell, one would ask?

Believe me, I used my best sneaky capabilities to find out exactly why but they were smart enough to keep this one locked tight, minus a few loose lips. And from those all I've heard was that "whatever the purpose was, it worked out".

As weird as it may sound to the innocent mind, it's actually not at all, given that even leaked nudes are not at all leaked or accidental, and those tend to (at least in the past) get immense amount of backlash. It's not the first time famous folks fake a fight, surely won't be the last.

A lot goes into public image, it's not black and white as "well but it looked bad on Jensen", "it looked bad on the prequel", etc. You'd be surprised as how little this truly matters given the level of manipulation they are able to pull on the public. And well, even with them...It happens all the time. Both made mistakes far worse than just "not telling my bestie about my new project" and fans would eventually let that go and put them back on the pedestal.

So just remember, always: not in the industry? then don't judge anything because you simply do not understand how it works.

Another piece of itk information I can give besides "this was planned and it worked" is: they are fine. From what I've heard they are not fighting over it or going through anything more dramatic than what they usually have been going through ever since they met haha.

So just sit back and chill out. Breathe, read fanfiction and remember that we will never truly get answers, because even what comes out of their mouths are most of the time carefully thought out and directed to have a specific meaning and effect (why do you think Jared mumbles and rambles so much?).

Another interesting piece of itk: you know how they always say they never fight? Even though that sounds insanely hard to believe even if they were just friends because who knows someone for that long and is constantly together and never fights? Unlikely, right? Yes, as obvious as that was. But unfortunately a lot of you seem to believe that, given the level of shock you had for this little twitter feud (as fake as it was). Yeah. They fight. A lot.

They fight as much as individuals in their situation would. Like I said, not at all what most people absentmindedly seem to think it is. They go through a lot. Way more than anyone who isn't in a similar situation would understand. It's messy, although they try their best to make it simpler in the ways they can.

On top of being in a very complex situation, they both have strong personalities and one of them is quite hard to "pin down". So altercations happen a lot, but they know how to deal, and they are exceptionally good at making sure that doesn't interfere in their work (oh well, at least not any work that doesn't benefit from intense emotional exchanges, anyways 😉...chemistry isn't something random, you know? haha).

I find it quite...interesting (to put it nicely) that a lot of hats easily believe they are a couple that lies constantly about almost every aspect of their lives, yet, they cannot believe they would fake a social media narrative. It makes no sense whatsoever.

It'd do you all good to be a little less tendentious and look at them as, you know...Humans? They are not what they seem to be, just as you guys also take in different versions of yourselves in different situations, they do too. And don't be so hopelessly naive to actually believe they see fans as "hashtag family". This is their work. And as grateful as they are for supporters, they certainly do not consider them family. To the point of never lying and trusting you with their life.

I'm sure they love their fans, but come on, saying they would never lie because that's mean to fans is just beyond naive. They've been doing it all along and oh, another interesting info? They don't think they're doing anything wrong.

Yeah, sounds weird, you'd think they'd feel guilty. But again, unless you were media trained, you'd never get it.

From years now if there's one consistent info I've gotten was this: they don't feel obligated to tell you anything. They believe they are doing "what they are supposed to do, the right thing for everyone involved".

So. Yeah. And hell, they are right about not being obligated to say anything about anything, I guess.

Well, I hope that was helpful or at least entertaining. It's hard to share info without accidentally making it obvious who I am for the lurkers (sure you guys were well aware that they lurk around the fandom). But it's safe because as long as I don't provide evidence, I'm fine. Just walking a thin line between sharing and not sharing something too specific that would be easy fir them to know who has that info and although they can't do anything against itks, they can manage to cut us off somehow and I enjoy having access lol, so that'd be a bummer.

Anyways, take itks and J2 themselves with a ton of salt haha! You are lovely, btw, you seem very kind and I enjoy your blog very much! much love!

itk anon everything you said was <333 and i agree with like almost all of it. very nice analysis and ask thank you ! i don't always believe everything j2 put out but the whole stunt being a false narrative just seems wrong so idk what to make of it. regardless i myself can sometimes get carried away in my star-struck love of j2. and i am a tinhat so well :) and now they look to be really good and taking a break from here was well worth it <3

''You are lovely, btw, you seem very kind and I enjoy your blog very much! much love!'' i love u so much hope u have a great day !

#anon ask #this was long jfc #ily anon <3 #j2 tinhat #prequel gate

244 notes · View notes

chronicillschronicpills · 2 years

Note

Do you have any tips for getting people to understand that I experience chronic pain and it might mean I can't do something one day that I could do a different day?

this is a really really tough question.

I have found surely what I am sure what you have, which is that peoples sympathy or empathy for chronic illness and pain seems to have a time limit. This is generally for a bunch of reasons which might not be malicious at all.

For me, my whole family and friends clearly understand that my illness is an insane influence on my life. They do not expect that it will be the same everyday.

Normally, to understand chronic illness, I compare to illnesses or injuries that other people might have experience, like pain after working out/ straining a muscle/ having the flu. But sometimes this does not always work. It could be that they literally cannot fathom it since every pain, injury or illness they have had did stop.

Communication is massive. Some things that I have done is just casually remind them a lot about my pain or illness in reference to future events or things for example, if they are talking about wanting to do x with you, I would say that is sounds so great but we might have to organise closer to the date because 'i never know how i am going to feel', or 'i hope i'm going to feel okay'. If you continue to insert this type of behaviour into just normal conversation, they will also begin to factor it into their lives. Even just little things like for me, the sun causes pain, so if its sunny i'll verbalise that i'm moving out of the sun cause 'damn its making my skin hurt!'. I also personally know my friends watch my instagram stories so sometimes i just throw a light hearted joke on my story like "these late night fevers really be lit", again just reminding my friends that its an everyday thing that changes. The more they know, they more they keep it in mind. For example, I can't sleep cause im in pain right now, and i already messaged my bestie saying 'cant sleep'. I'm just super open about it.

Make sure that people in your life know that your illness has varying states of pain and that there are a bunch of different things that might impact it. Explain that the pain can vary in intensity from day to day, symptoms can come and go and that we often don’t reveal the pain we are in. Be specific. Be SPECIFIC about the pain, each time. "eeurggh today my feet bones feel like they are burning!" We cannot assume they will understand unless we explain it. I always, for example, keep my important friends and family updated after every doctors appointment. I also have brought both friends and family to appointments. This gives them deeper understanding and keeps them up to date/reminded on your illness and pain. Let them know that they can ask any questions, whenever they want, so that they feel comfortable asking you, because we don't want them to assume.

Also, make sure that they know nothing is personal. I think it is really important not to make plans too far in the future and lock it in because people hate it when you cancel all the time on them, especially without a lot of warning, even if you are sick. Even sometimes, my friends will say that they will be going for a swim in a couple of hours if i want to come, and i'll say, let me see how i feel then!

Continue to reassure them its not personal if you cancel, and make sure to say you will reshedule. Don't lie and make up other excuses, just tell the truth about how youre feeling at the time and if you can, offer an alternate. 'Hey i'm not feeling very well, my x is hurting and I don't have the energy to really go out. I wish I could though, I'd love to see you today. Want to come over and watch a movie? If not, can we do it when I feel a bit better? I'll let you know and stay in touch.' and then make sure you do or they will take it personally. Also try to do it in a way where they won't feel guilty or like a bad friend and give them praise when they do take you into account. Thank them when they do what you like. "Thanks for thinking of me!", "thanks for inviting me, i appreciate it". When they offer their help, take it and say thank you!

You also might need to expect that friends might not invite you as much over time because they might assume that you wont come, which can suck and if this is something that would really upset you, make sure you communicate it with your family and friends.

I'm sure theres a bunch of other things but i cant think of much more right now, i moved today so i'm a bit fried and sore but if I do, Ill update the post (see what I did there)

Hope this helps

#chronic illness #chronic pain #asks #joint pain #chronically ill #spoonie

37 notes · View notes

posi-pan · 3 years

Note

Apart from the trashy medium article, there’s actually a decent article by heckinunicorn (they also sell pretty cute products, including a bi-cycle and pan-cake enamel pin; haven’t bought anything but I’m considering):

https://heckinunicorn.com/blogs/heckin-unicorn-blog/bisexuality-vs-pansexuality-the-war-within-the-lgbtq-community-explained?currency=USD

I mean it got one part of bisexual history a bit off, but they were still very inclusive and try their best to stop the feud. I definitely recommend checking it out!

(I just hope they aren’t exclusionists in disguise or scam artists lol. All this discourse has made me paranoid.)

okay no disrespect to you anon, but that article is awful. and i'm lowkey mad i even read it lmao

it was going okay until the section on the bi manifesto. there are so many examples of the bi community being inclusive and not binary in the 1990s that i cannot fathom why the manifesto is what people use as an example. the only good part in that section is the note about how the manifesto is more accurately the manifesto of atm than it is the bi community.

then we get to the pan history section. i found it interesting that the part on bi history had a section for before it was a sexuality, two sections on the 1990s, and then a section on the prefix, and each one had multiple paragraphs. but the part on pan history had three sentences on pansexualism and four sentences on "1970s and beyond". like.............tell me you don't know anything about pansexual history without telling me you don't anything about pansexual history.

THEN. we have the tired fucking rectangles/squares bullshit. i really need to stop fucking seeing that. i am so tired of hearing "all pan people are/can be considered bi, but not all bi people are/can be considered pan" THAT'S NOT HOW PERSONAL IDENTITY LABELS WORK. PEOPLE ARE WHAT THEY SAY THEY ARE AND THAT'S FUCKING THAT. and it basically amounts to "saying pan and bi are the same is wrong because even though all pan people are in fact bi, not all bi people are pan" so it's like....fuck pan people amiright?

then the section about the lie that pan was created out of misconceptions about bi, that the person already previously said was not true, basically just says "idk it's hard to find out if this it true and does it really matter?" and they also contradict themselves. previously they said gender inclusive definitions of bi emerged in the 1990s, but then in this section they say "between the 1970s and 1990s it's hard to ascertain whether bi was defined in exclusive terms" so which is it?

(there also isn't really an acknowledgement of there being many different bi communities all over the world. one group having inclusive definitions does not mean they all did and does not cancel out those that didn't. and this section basically just says that it's a fact that pan was built to be more inclusive than bi, but what we don't know is whether that exclusive definition was actually used at the time or if it was outdated. which is some bullshit.)

then they claim that other mspec labels that are broad and inclusive (not to say bi isn't also those things) aren't the cause of the misconception that bi is binary, but a side effect. and that as long as the root issues aren't addressed, the problem will reoccur. which is basically saying that other mspec labels are born out of that misconception and are a "problem" that won't go away until the actual cause of the misconception is taken care of.

and then their solution to this whole "war" is to contact dictionaries who incorrectly define bi. literally nothing on how to quell the misconceptions and hatred about pansexuality. not even a mention of battleaxe bis. and they mentioned that the aggression got so bad on instagram that the pan hashtag was banned, without even condemning that "solution" to the aggression as being panphobic.

the only things i appreciated about the article is the note about the manifesto (mentioned above) and the acknowledgement of needing to focus on the actual root cause of the misconception and more mainstream, influential sources of it instead of scapegoating pansexuality/pan people for it.

but that's it. it's clearly well intentioned, but good intentions are not a substitute for actually having knowledge on the topic you're discussing.

#asks #anonymous #pan antagonism #bi manifesto #battleaxe bi #also idk what medium article you're referring to or how it relates to this article #long post

35 notes · View notes

doc-pickles · 3 years

Text

all roads they lead me here

This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong

This is the last time I say it's been you all along

This is the last time I let you in my door

This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore

“Hey it’s Alex, leave me a message or whatever.”

“Alex, it's Jo. I just talked to your mom because you weren’t answering my calls and she said she hasn’t seen you or heard from you in awhile. So… please call me back. I just need to know you’re okay. I love you.”

“It’s me. It’s just been… A really long day and all I really want to do is curl up in bed with you. But you’re not here and you’re not in Iowa and I’m starting to worry that you’re dead in a ditch somewhere. Anyways I love you, please call me back.”

“Hi, it’s me again. Jo, you know your wife? The woman you married? I just… I’m worried about you and the longer I don’t hear from you the more worried I get. So please just call me back. I love you.”

“Alex, please pick up the phone. I don’t care where you are or what you’ve been doing. I don’t care if you’ve… committed murder or something. I don’t know, I just… I need you to answer me. If you’re not coming home I need to know so please just stop my wondering and answer me. Please. I love you, call me back.”

Alex sighed as he listened to the plethora of voicemails that Jo had left for him, her voice sounding more desperate the more messages she left. He wanted to call her, to answer one of her phone calls but he didn’t think it was fair to her. How was he supposed to drag her away from Seattle and everyone they loved to come to the middle of nowhere? How could he ask her to make that sacrifice when he was struggling to accept it himself?

As if hearing his thoughts, his phone screen lit up with a photo of Jo and him on their wedding day. Despite his doubts and worries Alex punched the green accept button and brought the phone up to his ear.

“Alex? Is that you?”

He only hesitates for a moment before letting out a sigh and answering, “Yeah it’s me.”

The relieved sigh and barely concealed tears break his heart as he listens to Jo on the other line. This was why he couldn’t go back, why he couldn’t face Jo again. Just hearing her on the other end of the phone was breaking his heart, he knew if he stood across from her and told her the choice he’d made that he would never be able to walk away.

“Oh my god, I thought you were dead,” Jo’s voice rang across the line, cries punctuating her words as she spoke a mile a minute. “Are you okay? You’re not hurt or in trouble or anything are you?”

“No… No, I'm okay. I’m fine I promise.”

“Good then where the hell are you,” Jo’s voice went from worried to stern in a flash, her tone almost scaring Alex as he listened to her. “I haven’t seen you in a month and a half and no one has been able to contact you for almost three weeks now. I thought you were lying in a coma somewhere so you better have a damn good reason as to why you haven’t been answering your phone.”

Of course she was angry, she had every right to be. If Alex were in Jo’s shoes he would’ve lost his mind trying to figure out where she was. But he wasn’t, instead he was lying in a hotel room thousands of miles away from Seattle keeping a huge secret from his wife who he normally told everything to. Alex let his eyes roam to the crisp white envelope on the bedside table next to him, Jo’s name in large letters across the front of it.

“It’s a long story, Jo.”

“Well start talking then Alex. I have been losing my mind here and I deserve an explanation,” Jo paused for a moment, her voice coming back clear and resolute when she spoke again. “If you’re leaving us, if you’re not coming home I need you to say it. I can’t keep sitting here playing back everything I’ve done trying to figure out what I did wrong.”

“Jo you haven’t done anything wrong, you could never,” Alex is quick to stop the destructive thoughts he knows are swirling around in Jo’s head. A deep pang of guilt hits him as he realizes that his lack of communication has probably torn her apart. “I’m just trying to figure some things out and… that might mean I don’t come back to Seattle.”

The line is silent and for a long moment Alex almost thinks that she’s hung up on him. Finally Jo speaks again, “You're telling me I didn’t do anything wrong but you’re not coming home? I don’t get it. Can you just tell me what's really happening?”

“I have kids.”

“I was going to-“

“With Izzie. She used the embryos and she has twins. We have twins,”

The all consuming silence from the other end of the line surrounds him once again. This time though, the pause felt like the heaviest thing he’d ever felt, the weight settling on his chest and taking his breath with it as he waited for Jo to respond to him.

“Oh.”

“Jo, I had no idea. I called Izzie before Mer’s trial and I was telling her all about you and then… then I heard them in the background. Alexis was singing some song and Eli was yelling at her to stop and I couldn’t not ask about them,” Alex let out a sigh as he ran a hand across his face. “They’re perfect Jo, god they're… They’re everything, the best of me and the best of Izzie. I have a chance to make this family whole, and I just hope you love me back enough to let me ta-“

“You have a family here too Alex! You have people that are depending on you and waiting for you to come home,” Jo was on the verge of tears and she yelled down the line, her voice trembling as she tried to get her point across. “Why didn’t you tell me? Or answer your phone? God Alex I love you but sometimes you can be so stupid. I’m looking up flights now, I can get there tomorrow afternoon.”

“No babe, I don’t need you to come out here.”

“Then tell me what I’m supposed to do! Because I’ve been sitting at home for the last month and a half waiting for you to come home and that didn’t do anything.”

Alex let out a sigh, his shoulders falling as he leaned back against the headboard of his hotel bed, “Jo I’m sorry but I have kids and I need to be here for them. I’ve already missed five years of their lives, I don’t want to miss anymore.”

“Then let me come out there Alex! If you’re planning on staying why won’t you let me come out,” the next pause that comes is from Alex as Jo let’s his silence answer her questions. “You really weren’t planning on coming back to me, were you?”

“Jo, please-“

“No Alex! You don’t just choose to end things without asking me! It's like the past seven years have meant nothing to you,” a steadying breath sounded over the line, Alex’s heart beating out of time as he listened to Jo. “You cannot just leave us here like garbage Alex. I deserve more than that, we deserve more than that! So either you come home or…. Fuck! I don’t know. Alex please.”

Alex thinks he can almost tangibly feel his heart breaking in two as Jo cries out to him. He loves her, more than anything he thinks, but he has children and their faces pop into his mind every second of the day now. He can’t fathom leaving them after already missing so much of their lives.

“Were you even planning on coming back home? Or were you just going to ignore my calls until I got the hint.”

“I didn't know she would have my kids, and now that she does, I don't know how to look anyone in the eye if I don't stay and do everything I can to make this work, make this a life, make this a family,” Alex’s pauses to catch his breath, listening to Jo’s cries. “I never meant to hurt you Jo-“

“Then you should’ve told me! You knew for weeks before you left and you didn’t say anything. You just kissed me and laughed at my jokes and ate dinner across from me crawled into bed next to me and made love to me like nothing was wrong. But the whole time you were just counting down the days until you left without another word,” her breaths are unsteady now, Jo hyperventilating on the other end of the phone in a way that makes Alex want to forget everything he’s seen in Kansas. “I can’t breathe, I can’t do this Alex. If you’re leaving us just say it. Please.”

“Jo, I’m sorry-“

“Just say it!”

“I wish getting everything I always wanted didn't have to hurt you in the process. But I can't lie to you. And I can't come home,” Alex is forcing the words out, barely able to say them without bursting into tears himself. “I'm not coming home, Jo. I can't face you. I can't look you in the eye because I wouldn't be able to walk away.”

“And that doesn’t mean anything to you? Everything we worked for, every uphill battle we fought to be together means nothing now? Did you ever think I would go with you, no questions asked,” Jo takes a deep breath before finishing. “I get that you have kids in Kansas, but you have a family here too Alex and we’ve been here for years, we’re always going to be here waiting and wondering and… I have to go. I love you and I’m sorry we weren’t enough.”

The line finally drops silent and Alex lets the tears he’d been holding back fall. He thinks he’s making the right choice, being there for his kids and giving them what he and Jo never had as children. But the pain and aching in his heart make him second guess his decision, if only for a moment.

It’s two days after his phone call with Jo when Alex realizes that he might have royally screwed everything up. His eyes follow Eli and Alexis around the farmyard as Izzie tells him about their life.

“We were actually in Tacoma before moving out to Kansas. Well, really it was just me but I was already four months pregnant by the time I decided to move,” Izzie let a chuckle out as Alex’s brain began to work overtime. “Somehow we made it though, I swear those two have been keeping me on my toes since they were in the womb.”

Alex ran back Jo’s words from their conversation in slow motion. He had played them over and over again in his head since she’d hung up on him but now he realized they might have a new meaning.

“If you’re leaving us, if you’re not coming home I need you to say it.”

“You have a family here too Alex!”

“You cannot just leave us here like garbage Alex. I deserve more than that, we deserve more than that!”

“We’re always going to be here waiting and wondering.”

“I love you and I’m sorry we weren’t enough.”

Sure she might have meant Meredith and her kids and the family he’d found for himself in Seattle but Alex knew Jo better than that.

“You know what I mean,” Izzie’s voice snapped Alex out of his daze, his eyes glassy as he looked from his hands to the blonde next to him. “You okay?”

“I uh… I think my wife is pregnant.”

It’s nearly 10 PM when a knock sounds on the loft door. Jo almost doesn’t get up from her spot on the couch as her fatigued body sinks into the cushions, reasoning with herself that anyone of importance has a key. When there’s another knock however, she begrudgingly drags herself up to slide the metal door open.

“Oh my god…”

Standing in front of her is Alex, eyes tired and hair damp from the near constant downpour of Seattle rain. She tries to ignore the suitcase at his feet, not wanting to get her hopes up when they’d already been so crushed just a week before when she’d spoken to him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I walked away from you and from all of this,” Alex runs a hand through his hair, his gaze floating to the ceiling as he struggles to keep his composure. “I want to be here Jo, you mean everything to me.”

“How am I supposed to believe that? How am I supposed to let you back in when I know you were about to leave me without a word,” she’s begging herself not to cry right now, she’s done enough of that in the past week. But her stupid hormones bring tears to her eyes that she tries unsuccessfully to blink away. “Alex, you were ready to walk away from everything we’ve built without so much as a goodbye!”

“I know but-“

“But what?! Izzie sent you back home? Your conscience suddenly crawled back into your body after taking a two month vacation,” Jo’s voice rises as she stares Alex down. “What do you think you could possibly say that would make this better?”

Alex takes a step forward and Jo can’t bring herself to step away from him. Her mind is swirling, tears stinging her eyes as she meets his gaze, “Jo, I’m sorry.”

“Well sorry doesn't fix everything Alex.”

There’s a quiet moment between them as they stand mere inches from each other, eyes locked but no words exchanged. Alex does look remorseful, like every decision he had excluded her from is finally weighing heavily on his shoulders.

“I’m not going back to Kansas. Well, I’m not staying there at least,” Jo blinks up at Alex, waiting for him to continue before she says anything else. “I love my kids, god they're perfect, but that’s not where I belong. And I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize that, I’m sorry it took you yelling at me to realize that because it just confirmed that I should’ve talked to you as soon as I found out.”

Alex takes another step forward, his chest almost touching hers as his hand comes up to cradle the curve of her stomach that one of his old shirts had hidden. In the month and a half that he’s been gone Jo’s figure had curved outward significantly, the baby bump now noticeable no matter what she wore. She’s not sure how he’d figured it out, but the simple act breaks the flimsy hold she has on her emotions. Instead of the tears she’d become so used to though, Jo finds herself overwhelmed with anger as she pushes away from Alex.

“If this is why you're back you can turn around and leave again.”

"It's not…. Well it is but it's not the only reason."

"Alex!”

“Just listen please. I'm not back because we're having a baby, I’m back because you being pregnant made me realize how stupid I was being when I decided to move to Kansas. Eli and Alexis... They're amazing, but they were amazing before I got there too. And I don't want to be a dad without you by my side. I want it all with you Jo and I know that might be hard to believe right now but-“

Before Alex finished his statement Jo had launched herself into his arms, tears staining his shirt where she had her face pressed against his chest, "I'm still pissed at you but these stupid hormones all telling me to give you another chance.”

“Thank god, I didn't have a backup plan if you kicked me out again.”

"But,” Jo leaned up and fixed Alex with a serious look. "This is your last chance. If you EVER screw up this badly again…”

“I won't.”

Jo leans back, pressing her lips to Alex’s as she pulled him into the loft, “Welcome home.”

#jolex #alex karev #jo wilson #jo karev #jo x alex #jolex fanfic #tsjolexweek21 #grey’s fanfic #greys anatomy #nina writes #jolex fanfiction

24 notes · View notes

katsukikitten · 4 years

Text

A/N Hello all and welcome to the seven day event! I have a few more slots open if you all would like to leave a request! I've decided to start off with Daddy aizawa from a request from @jordan102791 that has been long neglected! So please leave a like reblog or comment if you've enjoyed!

Bodies flood the busy streets, shoulders slumped in attempt to shield themselves from the howling wind, all the while reminding Aizawa why he hates coming into the city.

The biting winter wind picks up, carrying with it the sounds of a cry for help.

mew

Aizawa's ears perk at the pitiful sound that barely echoes in the alley he's passed.

"I don't need a cat." He grumbles to himself and as if on cue another meow rings out. This time much more desperate than the last.

MEW

He pushes on, heart beating in his chest as his head thinks up all sorts of terrible scenarios, all the while the weak little meow echos in his head.

He sighs turning on his heel as he backtracks towards the small cries. The meow getting weaker and weaker as he gets closer. The small space quiets as he stands in the mouth of the alley as if all the sound were swallowed. He let's deft eyes roam over the piles of stinking trash and buzzing flies.

mew

His ears twitch, straining to hear the tiny creature until finally he spies a box moving. He approaches hand picking up the damp cardboard box to reveal something similar to his horrific thoughts.

Despite being a hero things that are sad and hard on the heart never get easier. Cold eyes dull themselves to the sight of the momma cat and the siblings lying still slightly frosted over as they lie on top of one another.

The kitten's small eyes are blurred from hunger and cold, barely opened as it desperately tries to nuzzle its mother for milk.

"Hey there little one." He soothes as the baby cries more just fitting in the palm of his hand. Giant moon jade eyes stare into Aizawa's soul begging for help.

He swallows thickly, gently sticking the kitten into his warm inner chest pocket, feeling the little being vibrate in the new fur lined oasis. Aizawa carefully wraps the other cat and kittens in his linen restraints heading straight to a park for a proper good bye.

He stands over the mound of dirt, vision threatening to blurr over the small tragedy. It's ironic, he has seen plenty of deaths, witness some people's twice in a sense, he could hardly shed tears then but over cats he barely knew they threaten to fall. Just as the snow does overhead. Suddenly his chest brings vibrating again serving as a reminder as to why he set down this heart hardening path.

No matter how big or small, he wanted to save lives. Was going to save lives.

It's just hard to bear witness to the fact that he cannot save everyone.

His gloved fingers slip into his chest pocket to give the little kitten a few scratches as he speaks.

"Let's get you checked out little one." His eyes flash to the time on his wrist. He bows to the mound before trudging through the frozen earth with burning muscles back towards the city.

Shouta finds himself in front of a small old brick building sandwiched between towering skyscrapers. The building looks warm, inviting as the picture window illuminates the darkening sidewalk with soft yellow light. A skinny man with a dog much too large for his frame stands at the counter. Smiling even as he fights with his overly excited dog.

Then he spies you, his heart skips a beat in his chest, he thinks to turn around. Not ready to deal with the ghost who stands behind the counter. A face he almost forgot.

But how could he ever forget you.

"Like an endless night sky..."

Shouta stares in for another moment, a small mew encourages him to step inside what was the closest veterinary hospital at the time. The old wooden door chimes over head as the long dark haired man makes his way in while the large dog barrels past him.

"Ah I'm sorry Brutus is just so excited about the snow!" The skinny man smiles warmly, straining as he's pulled along by the choking dog. Shouta tries harder than ever to keep the sneer off of his face. It's not as if he *hated* dogs, they just weren't his cup of tea.

As he steps up to the counter he sees you standing there. Smiling warmly in a set of black scrubs with little pink paw prints littered across the fabric for design.

"Hello and welcome!" Your smile becomes impossibly bright as you handle a blue clip board, "Are you here to make an appointment? I don't believe I've seen you here before."

You fight to keep the blush off of your cheeks as he is by far the most handsome man you've seen. Not to mention the way your stomach twists when you look at his scar, pulling an inkling feeling from the depths of your mind.

Did he look familiar to you?

Maybe? But only because you see thousands of faces a month since moving your office to the city.

Aizawa says nothing, feigning disinterest as he pulls the kitten from his pocket and sets it on the counter. The tiny thing shakes a little, meowing for warmth, staring at Shouta as if he betrayed it.

He swallows thickly almost choking on the guilt. Your small hands scoop up the shaking ball of black fur, tilting it this way and that as your eyes glow all before cuddling it to your chest with one hand. Your other has a pen scribbling across an exam sheet before it is poised near the top.

"Name for you, love?" You ask softly, blinking away what must be your quirk as the brilliant color fades. He wonders if your personality is always this flirty.

"Aizawa Shouta." He watches with cold eyes as his name takes form in your swirling script.

"And for her?" You prompt, the kitten meows but you rock it gently. His eyes weigh heavy on the little kitten. He is quiet for a long moment as you give him time to think.

"I really don't need a cat..." You laugh at his response, your eyes flicker to his now agitated ones.

"I'm not asking you to raise her. I'm asking you to name her.

"Nozomi." His voice comes out breathy and something about his scruffy cold face melting just a bit encourages a wide smile to play on your lips.

"I like it. We will have to care for her for a few weeks since her condition is so severe." You turn the clipboard towards him to sign, "You found little Nozomi just in time."

Starless night eyes flicker up towards you in slight confusion.

"How did you know?" He remembers you blinking away your quirk. He had only guess that it could tell conditions of something living. Could you see the past too?

Suddenly he feels a bit vulnerable, biting back the urge to suppress your quick with his own.

"Lucky guess." You shrug, pulling back the clipboard, "Now I'll need your number."

You slide a post it note and a pen to him that he eyes suspiciously.

"For? She won't be my cat." He voice comes out icy but you press on anyway, looking up at a handsome and clearly caring man through long lashes.

"Oh, for me silly. How else will I be able to send you cute pictures of 'not your cat'." You smile devilishly to which his eyes seem to ice over more causing the feeling of rejection to settle in your stomach. Although you take it in stride as you offer, now, a more professional smile, eyes sliding to the clock.

"Well you can visit as often as you'd like if you even choose to. But now it is closing time. Mr. Aizawa."

You escort him to the door, his gloved hand slides over fur that matches his eyes before he sighs out turning his back determined to leave the little kitten behind.

He truly doesn't need a pet.

Tonight he dreams of two sets of eyes. Wide jade moons and your own vibrant color swim in his dreams.

Weeks pass as every Sunday Aizawa finds himself in front of the small brick building. Each time debating if he should go in. Why was he here? Just for Nozomi? Or was an overly flirty Veterinarian the cause for his return? Should he really be here? I mean he seriously DOES NOT WANT A CAT.

Or a significant other for that matter.

Yet he finds himself getting out of bed on his only day off only to be pulled back here stating in the picture window at Nozomoi lying on the counter and at you talking so sweetly to her. He feels tethered to this place and he cannot fathom why.

This isn't the first kitten or cat he's ever saved. You aren't the first person he's ever been secretly attracted too.

But you may be the first to keep feeling him in.

His hand finds the old brass knob on it's own, giving it a twist as the bell over head chimes. Bright eyes flash his way before your signature dazzling smile settles across kissable lips, delicate hands lifting the soft black fur to you.

He allows his signature blank almost exhausted expression to settle across his features as he speaks to you, hands ever stretched out for Nozomi.

Just as in life, hands always reaching out for hope.

He cradles this kitten that is so suddenly turning cat close to him. Settling in his now favorite oversized leather chair that basks in the sun by the picture window. He reminds you so much of a cat himself. His cold expression that can meld into content or even a hint of happy when his eyes settle over something he likes. You wonder if this is what keeps attracting you to him.

Every now and again you get a look of approving content that makes your heart soar. You let your nails bite into the palm of your hand as you push down such trivial feelings, especially when he had made it so clear that he is uninterested.

Customers come and go, passing by what is becoming the new normal. A strong yet lanky male in a black cable knit sweater, long hair pulled back in a messy manner, his scruff somehow effortlessly perfect. His long legs concealed in well fitted black jeans, Nozomi lazing atop his thighs. One hand rests on purring black fur while the other holds either a book or the days paper.

Your eyes find his scar winking in the sunlight often, in fact your eyes catch his content form more often than not.

You grit your teeth, setting down a file as you remind yourself over and over that he is just a patients owner.

He seems to be the loner type so why bother?

Well you bother because of the way his skin feels agaisnt yours even if it is a brush of your fingers as you hand over "not his cat" Nozomi.

You bother because you enjoy his smile that causes your stomach to knot and you want to bother because he just looks so calm and zen sitting in the over sized leather chair lapping up the sun as well as any cat would. Dark summer night eyes glance towards you causing you to turn on your heel. Heading to the back for coffee only to be disappointed to see the pot missing.

"Ah I forgot Brutus jumped up on the table...." You stare at the deeply grooved wood as the scene plays line a movie in your head. You sigh deeply as you gather your jacket for some much needed air and caffeine.

"Yumi I'm going to try to get some coffee since I don't have any appointments. Did you want any...." Your voice dies down as you push through the door to find a lobby full of waiting people. The jacket is shed from your overworked shoulders as you begin to assist the sudden burst of walk ins. You do not see Aizawa in his normal chair, only Nozomi whose turned into the standard office cat as she lounges in the fading sun.

You huff as your day gets seemingly longer.

Eyes crossing as the rush seems never ending before you come across the final familar face.

The slim man with his muscular dog Brutus barreling into the counter.

"Ah Dr. Y/LN. I'm so sorry to come, yet again to ask for help..." He seems shy, blushing even as Brutus slams heavy paws onto your scrubs. Attempting and failing to lick at your face as you scratch his ears.

"Ah Mr. Takahashi, it is no worry at all. What seems to be the problem?" The giant grey dog presses more weight agaisnt your strong frame threatening to topple you over.

"I...I..." His cheeks flush further as you look over the man who must be two years your senior. He never trips over his words when he speaks to Yumi. You watch his facial expression change as if he suddenly remembered why he was at your practice.

"I think he may have swallowed part of his bone. He just ch..chews on it so quickly I cannot turn my back for a second. I saw part of it was missing and got worried." You activate your quirk, watching the dog play with the tire toys you recommended two weeks ago before watching Mr. Takahashi pat Brutus on his boxy head.

*"Let's go for a walk boy!"* You watch him walk and he accidentally ends up here before you blink switching from the past to the present so you can see what truly is.

Only the best dog food digests in his stomach as his intestines work normally, nothing lodging in them nor his throat.

He barks for a treat and you oblige giving him a biscuit before you turn to your accident, worrisome customer.

"Worry not as he hasn't eaten anything he shouldn't have! You may want to get going. He's going to have to make a pit stop on the way home." You wink as Takahashi blushes furiously signing away at the clip board before the giant grey dog catches sight of something outside. Rushing for the bustling city dragging his owner along.

The bell chimes over head at his departure as you sink onto the counter pressing the heels of your palms into your eyes until you see stars.

"I'm about to clock out. Is there anything else you need from me?" Yumi asks as she locks up the filing cabinet. You shake your head no while her soft hands collect her jacket to fight against the biting cold.

Still pressing the heels of your palms into your eyes you groan loudly into your empty office.

"Uuugghhhh."

"Rough day huh?" A smooth voice asks causing you to jump out of your skin. Vision still blurred from the abusive pressure. As you blink away the fuzzy galaxy you have created a fine creature stands before you.

Tall and brooding as he always is, Nozomi hops from his shoulder onto the counter. Your eyes follow the movement and spy two cups of coffee.

"Ah you didn't..." You blush furiously as you stare down at what has to be a cell phone number. "Wh...what's this?"

"Its my number *silly*. How else am I supposed to send you cute pictures of Nozomi?" He mocks your usually playful tonewith a cat smile plastered on his lips before he leans closer pressing a small kiss to your forehead. He leaves you stunned as you rack your brain for memories or signs that he likes you.

"Well you can visit as often as you'd like." He scoops up Nozomi with one hand and his coffee cup with the other before he gives you a toned back.

It's only after the bell has chimed overhead, leaving his retreating silhouette does it all come back to you.

His scar.

The taste of smothering smoke pushes down your throat as your mind dredges up memories long lost to trauma.

Of strong cloth pulling you out before strong arms wrap around your waist as you faded in and out.

A shaking hand pressing up to a handsome soot covered face as you caress softly.

*"Like an endless night sky..."*

Your breathing hitches as you claw at your throat, the burns on your shoulders screaming from the memory of your 21st birthday five whole years ago.

Of the night you died in his arms.

And then came rushing back clawing through the zipper of a black bag with no recollection of the night before.

Only the distant memory of smoke and endlessly stunning starless nights.

#bnha x reader #aizawa x reader #aizawa x you #aizawa x y/n #bnha valentine #kitten valnetines day event!#ask kitten #bnha imagine #bnha fluff #aizawa shouta #bnha aizawa

289 notes · View notes

crazycrackersworld · 2 years

Text

So when I say I probably won't hear much from you over the next 3 or 4 days, and it's okay and I understand, it is okay, but I don't really understand and I don't consider that a lie I just consider it me being..... I don't know what I'm being.

No contact for 7 weeks and something terrible happens and I'm the person that gets reached out to. And I'm the person that gets you through that first day, I'm still someone you can tell anything to someone who you trust. I would be willing to bet that if I pulled a hundred women the top five things that they would look for in a relationship I am to you, yet for some reason I cannot fathom or not together.

You send me a message with a Facebook memory of how it feels to have a child that doesn't talk to you when you send that message to me because you know that I know exactly how you feel I can relate and I can understand and I'm probably the only person in your life that can, but yet we're not together.

And I know you'll read this but you won't like it and you don't need to send me messages about it because it's not going to change anything. I am thankful that she is still in my life I am.

But it upsets me so much that she'd rather be with someone that really only acts like they can't live without her or that they care when she's ready to walk away in my opinion she should be with someone that makes her feel that way every second of every minute of every day of her life and I always thought that I did that.

And frankly I'm pretty sure that by this time next month I will probably be not being communicated with again. And if I say I'm okay with that not but it's just something I've learned to live with.

Sometimes thinking about all of it just makes my head hurt makes my head hurt more than my heart actually. I don't know I just don't know.

#i don't know

0 notes

qqueenofhades · 7 years

Note

OK SO WHATS GONNA HAPPEN WITH DECKERSTAR? I feel like they were "Titanic(ed)" and Mama Morningstar was the iceberg. I hope Luci won't stay mad at Chloe and I hope he realizes that her feelings toward him are by her own will, not by his Fathers doing. Gosh the angst that is coming up for these two!

okay i am in writhing amounts of terrible pain but gosh, the sadistic cleverness of this episode, in many ways.

the sex/makeout being a dream was a cop-out, it just was, because dream sex is always a cop-out (hot as hell and i will stare at gifs for 500 years, but still a cop-out), but it worked in this context because the whole theme of the episode was what was real and what was not real and what they felt and what they wanted, and the actions that came about as a result.

and in said dream, we had chloe seeing him with horns/devil features, touching his scars, and just being so happy and eager and into him. she doesn’t give a shit about what he thinks he is, or anything except the fact that she wants him. and that’s a reflection of what is real, as shown by her actions when she wakes up. maze challenges chloe to be less buttoned up, and hoo boy, chloe goes for it. her feelings, her reactions, everything she wants with her and lucifer, what with terrible flirting and making a move, that is real. she wants him, she wants what happened in her dream to be the way things really are. and lucifer, of course, is having absolute kittens because he cannot, cannot, cannot fathom that she would really like him for himself, and his worst suspicions (appear) to be justified at the end.

but that of course is not real. mom is lying to him, mom is trying to make him think he had no choice, mom is casting doubt – what she says is not real. i love they’re playing this angle first, and getting it out into the open so they can deal with it and prove that it is is real. we know that, the story has told us that. lucifer and chloe have fallen for each other without any shortcuts or cheating at all, because they have made choices. and the bad guy of this episode was saying that there are no choices and everything is foreordained/inescapable.

protip, the villain is always wrong.

so now we have a situation where mom has successfully manipulated lucifer into thinking that his love for chloe/their entire relationship isn’t real (that flash into his thoughts BROKE ME) but… lucifer is STILL GOING TO HELL TO SAVE CHLOE’S LIFE. he thinks that at best, she was just a pawn for dad, at worst she was actively conniving to deceive him, but HE’S NOT ABANDONING HER AND FUCKING OFF TO HEAVEN (which is what mom wants). he thinks their entire relationship might have been a lie, BUT HE’S STILL SAVING HER.

he is making the choice, even thinking that there might be nothing in it for him, that there’s no escaping whatever dad is doing, and he’s still putting her first. because he loves her. and that (ding ding ding) is REAL.

so yes. as i said, i love/hate/love (mostly love) that this was how they are twisting it and playing on that whole idea of it and whether lucifer and chloe had a choice to be together. lucifer WILL learn that it was real, and that he himself is making the choice to go to hell, and save chloe’s life, even thinking there’s nothing in it for him. he’s doing it utterly selflessly, and that will be the key. i can’t say it won’t be angsty, because it will be hella angsty, but yes.

as soon as lucifer sees chloe bleeding, he forgets about being angry with her or demanding to know if she knew. he just… switches over into being terrified for her. and next week, obviously, he’s going to hell to save her. real or not real. he loves her. and that, eventually, is what both of them will realise. and as i said, diabolical, and brilliant, and painful af, but i love that they’re grabbing that devil, literally, by the horns.

tl;dr: it’s all about proving that a) they’re real, and b) they chose it, and c) this was god’s gift, not his curse. but because lucifer can’t see that or believe that, it’s going to take a lot of pain to prove it.

also, methinks the later appearance of god in 2x16 is going to end up being particularly important in this case.

#anonymous #ask

78 notes · View notes