#i tried to link that story to the overall 'verse | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mxliv-oftheendless · 1 year

Text

Strangers with Memories

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY PEOPLE!! Or, if you don't like Valentines Day, it is also the birthday of @ladyshandioftheendless!!! So as a birthday gift, here is a story that dives back into the KISSteriaverse! Fair warning, this is gonna get REALLY SAD, which is ironic considering it's Valentines Day lmao (totally didn't do that on purpose... except I did lol). I was inspired to write this after listening to the song "Strangers" by Taemin, which is actually where this story's title comes from, and which you can listen to HERE if you want before reading this story! It's a beauuuutiful song.

Enjoy! And happy birthday, Shandi!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Nikki hasn't seen Starchild in years. He hasn't even been to KISSteria in years. But he wants to prove to himself that he's moved on from everything that happened, that he could see Starchild and not feel heartache. He could do this... right?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Nikki could do this.

It had been years since what happened. He hadn’t seen Starchild at all in those years. He steered clear of any diplomatic meetings with KISSteria (Vince would mercifully explain it away saying he was sick), he avoided any news about KISS on Earth, hell, he even avoided the “K” section in record stores. He hadn't looked at his hand in months, at the finger where a glowing purple string would have been tied… if it hadn’t been broken. He hadn’t even thought about Starchild in over five years. Their breakup and the whole mess around it involving demons and his possession was firmly in the past.

So when Vince got an invitation to come to KISSteria to renew Anarkia’s alliance with the KISSterians, Nikki felt like he could finally come along.

“You sure you’re good to come, dude?” Tommy asked as they got ready to leave.

“What are you talking about, Tom?” Nikki asked as he threw some clothes into a go bag. “Of course I’m good to come. You can introduce me to that royal court chick you keep seeing every time you go.”

Tommy laughed at that. “Yeah, sure. But listen… I know all… all that shit really messed you up. And I heard… um… he’s gonna be there. If you don’t wanna go…”

“I wanna go, Tom,” Nikki insisted. “I’ll be fine. Besides, we won’t be the only ones there. Aren’t the royals from Jendell gonna be there too?”

Tommy shrugged. “I dunno. Ask Vince.”

“Pretty sure he said they’d be there.”

“Alright, fine.” He punched Nikki’s shoulder with a grin. “Look at you, paying attention for once like a responsible person.”

“Fuck off,” Nikki laughed, whipping a shirt at him.

He could do this. He wouldn’t be alone there. It wouldn’t be awkward. Everything was in the past now. He could face the past. He could face what he’d done. He could face Starchild. He could do this.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To Nikki’s delight, not only was the royal family of Jendell there, along with their aide, but so was Prince Michael and Nicholas from Hanoi. The two were accompanied by three young elves, who were practically climbing over each other as they gazed awestruck around the palace.

“Mikey!” Vince said gleefully, clapping the fairy on the shoulder. “Since when did you become a family man?”

The affectionate smile on Michael’s face seemed permanently fixed there as he watched Nicholas try to wrangle the three excited elves. “About a year ago. We found them outside the palace and decided to take them in.” He laughed as Nicholas had to run and prevent one of them from knocking over a decorative vase on a pedestal. “They’re a little excited to be leaving Hanoi for the first time.”

“Dude, we should show them the burn mark you made in the wall the first time we were here,” Nikki said to Tommy.

“Not sure why you’d wanna show that off,” Mick grumbled. “Didn’t they have to cover it with a tapestry cuz of your dicking around?”

“Sure did,” Tommy grinned proudly. “It’s been like, forever, and they still can’t get it out! I check every time we’re here!”

“I’ll bet you ten shots they finally got it out,” Nikki dared.

“Oh, you’re fucking on! I’m gonna go check right now!”

Mick sighed as Tommy dashed off. “I’ll go make sure he doesn’t wreck anything before the welcome ceremony,” he said resignedly, as though he was assigned this task every time they came to KISSteria (he was). He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and trudged off in Tommy’s direction.

Michael just laughed as Vince went off to say hello to Nicholas. “You all certainly haven’t changed,”

Nikki just laughed, not really wanting to get into the complexities of that. I definitely have… “Yeah…”

He couldn’t help trailing off as he scanned the hall. There was Nicholas, laughing with Vince; there were the three young elves, chattering excitedly as they looked up at a tapestry; there was Ace—he supposed he should call him King Ace now—and his aide in conversation… where was everyone else?

“Looking for someone?”

Nikki turned to find Michael giving him a politely inquiring look. “Uh, y-yeah—well, no, I just—maybe…” he finished lamely.

He really didn’t like the knowing look on Michael’s face. “I am sure the Prince will be here shortly to welcome us.”

“Oh, good… A-And the Elder, too! She’ll be here too.” Nikki hated how awkward he sounded when he laughed. Fuck, what was wrong with him? “She’s the queen, so… yeah. She’s gotta be here too.”

“Nikki… I confess I was a little surprised to see you here. The last time we all gathered in KISSteria, Vince told us you were sick.” Nikki felt like the knowing look was cutting into him. “Are you all right being here now?”

Nikki’s stomach dropped. He knows. “I… Yeah. Yeah, I’m all right.”

Michael just slowly nodded, making Nikki feel far too exposed for his comfort. “I’m serious!” he insisted. “I’m fine! It’s just gonna be a few days. Seriously, Mikey, I’m fine.”

Thankfully, Michael just nodded. “All right. I am glad you’re feeling well enough to come this time.”

“Y-Yeah… me too.”

He could do this. When Starchild came through the doors to welcome them all, he wouldn’t shy away. He wouldn’t run away from him like a vampire running away from sun. He could do this.

As soon as he thought that, the doors opened, and the Elder swept into the hall, looking as intimidating and regal as ever. And walking just behind her…

Nikki’s heart skipped a beat. There he was. There was Starchild.

He looked better, Nikki thought immediately. He couldn’t help remembering how Starchild looked the last time he saw him; stressed, drained, upset…

Heartbroken, his mind whispered.

But he didn’t look heartbroken anymore. He looked better. His livelihood was back. The glimmer of life was back in his eyes, though it seemed a little softer now and less excited. And Nikki was suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to close the distance between them and…

But he stopped himself. He couldn’t. Starchild wouldn’t want that. He probably still didn’t want to even look at him, even though he probably knew Nikki would be here. Had he ever wondered how Starchild felt about things like that? About being forced to be in the same room as someone you loved or despised and not be able to express that? It was torture, having to stand there and pretend he didn’t have such a complicated history with Starchild.

And then suddenly the Elder and Starchild were right there, welcoming Vince to KISSteria. Nikki tried to focus on the Elder, instead of the man that stood behind her. He was just a few steps away. Nikki wished he was a mile away.

“And greetings to you, Nikki Terror,” the Elder was suddenly saying. “I am pleased you feel well enough to join us this time.”

Nikki was suddenly seized by a paranoid fear—did she know? Did she know what happened? Did Starchild tell her? He couldn’t tell anything from the pleasant smile on the woman’s face.

Calm the fuck down, Terror. Maybe she’s just welcoming you and commenting on how you haven’t been here in a while.

Nikki forced himself to calm down, giving her his signature smirk and an overdramatic bow. “Yep, I’m feeling great. And by the time I leave, you’ll probably be hoping I’m sick again next time.”

The Elder chuckled. “I don’t doubt it,”

As Nikki raised his head, his eyes unconsciously turned to see Starchild’s reaction. His heart leapt when he saw the smile on the man’s face. He was smiling at something Nikki said. Did that mean anything?

Nikki longed to be able to ask him. He longed to be able to get a moment alone with Starchild and ask him if that smile meant he was forgiven, if it meant Starchild didn’t hate him anymore. But he couldn’t. If Nikki wanted to prove he could face Starchild, he couldn’t do anything.

And so he let Starchild and the Elder walk away from them to go greet Michael and Nicholas. He breathed a quiet sigh of relief. He made it. One interaction had gone successfully.

“Dude, you okay?”

Nikki jumped at the whisper and realized Tommy was suddenly beside him. “Don’t fuckin’ scare me like that!” he hissed.

Tommy snickered. “Sorry. But seriously, you okay?”

Nikki blew out a breath and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

He could do this.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A couple days later, Nikki found himself stuck at an event of some kind; a little party for the visiting diplomats, according to Vince. And so far, like these things always were, it was fucking boring.

He found himself keeping Mick company, sitting to the side while Mick talked to King Ace’s aide, who had introduced himself as Tomaziel. Mick had let it slip that he was originally from the Celestial realm, sparking a conversation between the two.

Nikki was trying to follow their conversation when he suddenly caught sight of a necklace hanging from Tomaziel’s neck. The pendant was oval, and covered with a turquoise finish, but Nikki could still see an eye through the turquoise. He couldn’t help looking a little closer at the eye, making out its brown color. That eye looked so familiar…

“Nikki, was it?”

Mick’s elbow suddenly nudged his side, and Nikki looked up to find Tomaziel looking his way. “Uh, sorry,” he said quickly. “I just… I saw your necklace.”

“Oh.” Tomaziel looked down at it with a smile. “I see. It’s lovely, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s nice.” Why did that eye look so familiar? “So, what’s with the eye?”

“Oh, well…” Tomaziel’s face suddenly turned a very light blue. “The one who gave it to me… it’s his eye.”

“You lucky bastard,” Nikki laughed before he could stop himself. “Your boyfriend gave you that?”

“That’s fucking weird,” Mick muttered as he took a swig of alcohol.

“Don’t mind him,” Nikki said gaily as he patted Mick’s shoulder. “He’s just jealous ‘cause he’s lonely.”

“Fuck you, Terror. I am not.”

Nikki ignored him, instead grinning at Tomaziel. “So, who’s the guy?”

Tomaziel laughed a little awkwardly. “Um… well…”

“Excuse me,”

Nikki looked up, even though he didn’t have to, already knowing who it was. Sure enough, Starchild stood behind Tomaziel’s chair with a polite smile. Nikki couldn’t help thinking to himself how handsome he looked in his formal purple robes. “Mind if I steal Tomaziel for a minute? I think Ace wanted to speak to him about something.”

Nikki didn’t say anything, just looked down at his drink. Mick waved a hand. “Sure, no problem.”

If Nikki had looked up, he would have seen Starchild’s smile widen ever so slightly. “Wonderful. Tomaziel?”

Tomaziel, who had been looking up at Starchild the whole time, set down his drink and stood. “I’m right behind you.”

Nikki couldn’t help watching the two as they walked away. Why wasn’t Tomaziel walking closer to Starchild? Why was he a few paces behind?

“Hey, dude!” Tommy suddenly plopped into the chair next to him. “That court chick is here if you wanna meet her!”

“Later, Tom,” Nikki heard himself say. He was too busy watching the two. Starchild had left the ballroom, through a door off to the side. Tomaziel was a few feet to the side, speaking to Ace. Then as Nikki watched, Tomaziel bowed his head, excusing himself, then turned and walked out the side door.

Something started to knot and twist in Nikki’s stomach. He knew that maneuver. He’d done it so many times before with Starchild. Did that mean… but they couldn’t…

Nikki suddenly shot to his feet. “I’ll be right back,” he said to no one. Then he made a beeline for the door.

The hallway beyond the door was dark as Nikki left the ballroom. The only light came from torches along the walls, casting the hallway in a dim glow. Nikki swiveled his head around, trying to figure out which direction he needed to go. They couldn’t be far.

And then Nikki heard it—muffled voices. He began walking in the direction he heard them, making sure to be quiet. He was about to turn a corner when suddenly—

“—want to steal you away and keep you in my bedroom.”

Nikki dove back behind the corner at Starchild’s voice. He heard a second voice stammer, sounding embarrassed. “I—Starchild!”

Nikki’s heart plummeted as Starchild laughed. That was Tomaziel.

“It’s true!” Starchild giggled.

A laugh from Tomaziel. “I would willingly go with you. It’s hard not being able to see you. Having this necklace, though… it does feel like I have a part of you with me.”

“Good,” Starchild sounded happy. “That’s the point.”

Something seized Nikki’s heart and began to strangle it as he heard Tomaziel sigh. Now he knew why that eye looked so familiar. He’d looked into that eye and its other thousands of times before.

“I missed you,” he heard Tomaziel say.

“I missed you, too. I’m so happy you could be here.”

“So am I. I couldn’t miss the chance to see you.”

“You came all this way just to see boring old me?”

“You…” whatever Tomaziel did in the pause made Starchild giggle, “could never be boring. And yes, I did. And I’d do it again, many times.”

Starchild laughed, and the sound made it feel like a knife was going through Nikki’s heart. He finally mustered up the courage to lean forward and peer around the corner.

There in the hallway were two figures. A torch flickered, and the flare of light made the stars on Starchild’s outfit and the silver detail on Tomaziel’s gleam for a moment. And as Nikki watched, the two of them hugged. And it was like they became one single being, the way they seemed to melt into each other’s embrace. The figure Nikki knew was Starchild rested his head on Tomaziel’s shoulder with a sigh.

“I’m so happy when I’m with you,” he said aloud.

A lump formed in Nikki’s throat. He couldn’t stay here. He had to get away.

So he sprang away from the wall and took off back toward the ballroom, not caring if Starchild and Tomaziel heard. He couldn’t focus on anything except the feeling of his heart breaking in his chest.

Starchild had moved on. He had moved on completely. It wasn’t just what happened between them that was in the past—Nikki was now in the past as well.

“Nikki?”

Nikki skidded to a stop right before he crashed right into Michael. It appeared he’d re-entered the ballroom, and thankfully no one was looking his way. Except Michael, who gave him a look of concern. “Is everything all right?”

“I…” Nikki’s throat closed up. He felt like crying. But he willed himself not to cry. He was not going to fucking cry. “I’m… I’m not… feeling good…”

Michael nodded. “I see,”

“W-Will you… tell Vince I’m gonna g-go to bed?”

“I will. Get some sleep. I’m sure you’ll feel better in the morning.”

No, he wouldn’t. It was a nice sentiment, but Nikki knew he wouldn’t feel better in the morning. “O-Okay. Thanks, Michael…”

And just when Nikki thought it couldn’t be worse, that was when he saw Starchild re-enter the ballroom and go over to the Elder. Nikki’s heart shattered all over again at the smile on Starchild’s face. He looked happy, far too happy. Nikki wanted to scream at him to stop looking so happy, that he knew where he’d been, and who he’d been with to make him smile like that.

“Nikki,”

Almost gratefully, Nikki turned back to Michael. The fairy’s face looked sympathetic. Stop fucking looking at me like that! “I want you to know, you can come to me for help if you ever need it. I know you prefer to do things on your own, but if you ever feel the need for help, you can always ask for it.”

Nikki almost didn’t want to say anything, because he was afraid he’d either start raging or crying… or even do both. He managed a nod, then willed his voice not to shake. “Okay,”

Michael reached out to pat his shoulder. “I will go tell Vince you left,”

“Thanks…”

But as Michael walked away, Nikki heard Starchild laugh, and his head turned before he could stop himself. Starchild was smiling and laughing as he talked to Ace. And there was Tomaziel, standing next to Ace and not talking, but his eyes fixed only on Starchild with a small grin of his own.

Nikki had never seen Starchild look so relaxed and happy. Not even when he was with you.

There was another stab of pain in his chest—his heart was shattering all over again. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that Starchild got to get back up and move on and even find someone else, while Nikki was alone and broken. It was like something inside Nikki was keeping him from moving forward. Why didn’t Starchild have something keeping him back? It wasn’t fucking fair.

He felt like hitting something, or crying. They were in the same room, full of people they had mutually known for years. They had known each other for years. And he really wasn’t that far away; he just had to walk a small distance and he would be right there, able to talk to him like they were old friends. But no, he couldn’t. Because they weren’t even friends anymore, were they? Starchild was miles and miles away, pretending Nikki was a complete stranger, and Nikki was alone.

Nikki dug his nails into his palms and finally turned away to leave the ballroom. He couldn’t do this.

#shandi's kissteriaverse #starterror #well formerly #like it's been years #fun fact i actually made myself sad writing this one lol #i had “strangers” playing on a loop while i wrote it #spacechild #officially #this also takes place before shandi's story about nikki and Sweet the Undine #i tried to link that story to the overall 'verse #but anyways #sorry nikki #don't worry you'll be okay soon #hope you enjoyed!#kiss au writing #my writing #happy birthday shandi!!!!!!!!!

2 notes · View notes

shadowetienne · 5 months

Text

OnlyOneOf "gravity" Lyrical and Thematic Analysis

This follows after my post on "O" (which also links back to previous posts in this set). Like I've mentioned previously, there's a few things to keep in mind with the lens through which I'm examining the songs in the Things I Can't Say LOve album.

I am viewing the songs in this album as a story progression, so if you’ve not read my other thematic thoughts up to now, might be worth going back to them for some context.

Like I mentioned in my previous analyses, I am looking at this through a queer lens, if you want to do a non queer reading, good for you, that’s not what I’m discussing here.

"gravity" is probably my second favorite song on the album (after "O"), and it's definitely a song that I find interesting in that I feel like it has a lot of possible, open ended interpretations. That's an interesting place to end an album!

If you've not listened to the song yet, here's the official version:

youtube

And here is the wonderful translation done by Imbabey on YouTube that I used for reference:

youtube

I will note here, that there is one specific place that I disagreed with this translation upon consultation with @redeim, and I will be substituting. I will make sure to clearly notate that in my analysis.

As always, I really appreciate hearing other people's thoughts on the song, whether we agree or not! Like I said above, this song has a lot of potential interpretations, and I'm only going to touch on a few of them.

The rest is under the cut for length:

SONG STRUCTURE

This is another song with an interesting structure. My breakdown of the structure of this song goes as follows:

Verse 1 (part 1 & 2) > Chorus 1 > Verse 2 (part 1 & 2) > Chorus 2 > Post-Chorus 1 > Verse 3 > Chorus 3 > Post-Chorus 2

I don't know entirely if a post-chorus is the correct term here, but I'm trying to echo the idea of a prechorus except it comes after the chorus. Basically it's sort of a secondary chorus, also repeated lines.

It seems fitting that the conclusion song sort of reverses the normal order of things to wrap up the ideas. Those repeated lines of the Chorus and Post-Chorus carry a lot of the overall idea of the song, while the Verses show the story progression.

VERSE 1

This verse sets up the structure of the relationship between the narrator and his object of affection.

I go to you before I know it No need to say it, I'll probably keep getting attracted to you again and again Somehow it became so The relationship between you and me I wonder, can something like this work?

Throughout this song, there are notions of inevitability and the attraction, like gravity is natural, or perhaps an instinct. It's not something that the narrator was seeking out. And the narrator is scared of this on some level. He's uncertain that it will be alright, and he's questions "can something like this work?"

As part of the queer reading of this album, can the narrator, who has slowly tried to accept himself in a society that doesn't want him to be the way he is, be in a relationship with lasting power and comfort? He keeps getting drawn to this person, it feels like there is the potential for something between them, but he doesn't have a good answer to whether it would be OK. He's also scared of taking an active role in forming a relationship.

I look around It was as if something pulled me by the edge Just like that Gradually While I wondered what to do

The narrator keeps putting emphasis on the fact that he was drawn into this, he didn't actively pursue it. It happened "gradually" and it sort of happened to him. It's interesting that at first here, he's removing his own agency from the situation. He doesn't want to be blamed for this relationship (that he's not quite in yet).

He's still really uncertain about what he should do at this point, but he definitely has realized that he's been drawn to the object of his affection, despite perhaps trying to hold himself away from relationships.

CHORUS

I'm drawn to you like gravity, gravity yea I tried to avoid it Don't be like that, let me go I'm drawn to you like gravity, gravity yea You who doesn't fall easily I'm getting it nice up space oh yea

The big idea portrayed to me in this chorus is a feeling of inevitability. The narrator doesn't intend to fall for the person he is addressing here. He is just drawn towards them, attracted whether he wants to be or not.

Looking back at the themes in the album, this definitely does mirror some of the ideas of figuring out queer attraction for the first time. He wasn't expecting it at first, and with the position that society puts him in, he's not sure that he wants this, but it's there.

If the chorus ended at "let me go," it would feel like he was still fighting the idea of being queer, but the chorus continues. At this point, a lot of his concerns seem to go towards "You who doesn't fall easily." He's more worried about not having his affections potentially returned than who it is he's developed feelings for.

I will admit, the last line of the chorus absolutely baffles me. If I interpret it as missing at least one key word for sense, I could read it as "I'm getting it, nice up [in] space," which still is a little baffling, but gives me something to work with, especially because OnlyOneOf has had so many lyrics having to do with space in general, and it brings to mind the mentions of quasars in some of their lyrics, so something with pretty much inevitable gravitational pull.

If I'm parsing that final line, as the narrator is drawn to the object of his affection, maybe he realizes that that feeling of inevitable gravitational pull is actually leading him to something, he's actually able to "get it," what he desires.

However, I feel like, especially with the hard to understand final line that is very open to interpretation because of it, the chorus is left with an open ended message. Is being drawn to this person going to lead to something good? Can it? I don't know for sure if the narrator knows throughout the course of the song.

VERSE 2

During this verse, we see the narrator trying to hide from his own feelings a bit, and also bringing my mind back to the album title.

How about expressing it with a picture? Something random comes to mind I follow you like this As I'm pulled by gravity

The narrator doesn't have the words for what he's feeling, or is at least afraid of putting words to it. This brings me back to that theme throughout the album of "things I can't say [about] love." All the narrator feels that he can do is try to find some way to show his feelings that keeps the plausible deniability of not having specific words attached to it. He's just drawn in, and he's trying to show that with imagery (also "drawn" as a double meaning, making a picture versus pulled towards).

Don't bother looking for me Well hidden but I won't be able to run You know it What do I do? **

[** this is the line that I have changed from the translation I am referencing. "Ottoke" was translated as "Oh my" in the translation above, but after conferencing with Redeim about this, I feel like this is a stronger translation for conveying the meaning of the song.]

The narrator is trying to hide from the possibility of this relationship, but he also says, "You know it." He might be hiding from society, trying to be safe. Looking back at "O" we know that the narrator had tried to isolate himself, and this hiding feels like it might be a continuation of that.

That "What do I do?" is such an important question to this song. The narrator is trying to decide how to handle his attraction, how to handle this feeling that he's not really allowed to talk about and feels he has to hid. It starts to bring back his agency in the song as well. He may not have decided yet, but he's now thinking about his own actions in this situation.

VERSE 3

This verse really brings me to the idea of the narrator being scared. He's realized that he's feeling inevitably drawn towards the object of his affections, his feelings are getting deeper throughout the Chorus, and the first iteration of the Pre-Chorus, no matter what he tries.

I count you and get broken Without being able to run away like this, still Oh I'm slowly straying away from you

It's very interesting because if this was where things ended, it would feel like he'd decided to actually leave, to take the effort to get out and away from those feelings of being drawn in, but because this is followed by another Chorus and Post-Chorus, to me it reads like the narrator tries to pull away because he's afraid. He's been broken by failing relationships, and his relationship with attraction and society before. He's scared this will be no different, and he's trying to slowly back away, but we go right back into the Chorus and know that he is drawn in again, no matter what.

POST-CHORUS

Na, na, na, na, na yea Na, na, na, na, na yea I let myself loose As I'm pulled by gravity Na, na, na, na, na yea Na, na, na, na, na yea It's not like I'm reaching towards you I'm just pulled by gravity [to you*]

[* "to you" is only included in the second Post-Chorus, ending the song]

The Post-Chorus appears after the second and third Choruses, it is almost identical, however, the addition of "to you" on the second Post-Chorus adds a little bit of finality to the narrator being drawn to the object of his affections that he's speaking to. I makes me think that at the end of the song, he's indeed ending up together with that person that he's been drawn to.

The Post-Chorus is only introduced after Verse 2, so in a way, it feels like a response to the question of "What do I do?" posed at the end of Verse 2. And following Verse 3, it seems to bring back the inevitability of this connection, how it just seems meant to be. Even when the narrator attempts to look elsewhere, he is just drawn back.

In some ways, this seems almost like an idea of soulmates. Of someone who is just such a good fit that the narrator is just naturally drawn to that person. That they were always going to end up together, it just took some time with that slow pull and also with the narrator needing to figure himself out over the course of the previous songs. This is the opposite of "dOpamine" where the narrator is making decisions in a sudden rush, it's not broken or falling apart or trying to be anything other than what feels natural. It's comfort and security that builds slowly in a relationship that develops naturally, perhaps between friends.

However, this could also be read in a way as being reeled back in over and over to a relationship that maybe isn't a great but is secure on some level, that even if the narrator tries to leave, it's too much work to get out of the gravity well of the relationship. I personally like the reading of slowly falling into the meant to be relationship better just because I like the hopeful option, but I can see this take too.

Some interesting notes about the lyrics specifically:

"I let myself loose" in contrast to the ideas of "let me go" (Chorus) or "slowly straying away from you" (Verse 3) -- when the narrator lets himself loose from constraints he's put on himself, he's "pulled by gravity"

"It's not like I'm reaching towards you" gives me a distinct feeling that the narrator on some level doesn't want to acknowledge, at least outwardly that he's drawn to his object of affection. He's drawn back in and drawn back in, but he's not sure if it is safe for him. Considering the fear of loneliness that is present in the album moving up to here, the fear of rejection, maybe it's frightening to seem to be actively seeking a queer relationship

OVERALL THOUGHTS

Is this song romantic? Is this song about a relationship with the potential to be good and healthy?

I don't know honestly.

I do feel like I've got a little bit of a personal tie between this song and Rie and Junji's cover of "Betelgeuse"

youtube

It's also a song that talks about the inevitability of being drawn together by gravity (if you look in the comments on that video, you will find an English translation of the lyrics).

Both songs are not about big romantic declarations, but are about a subtle inevitability of a relationship that feels right and you are drawn into. I feel like the fact that these two connect for me is a really strong point for "gravity" being a song about slowly falling into a connection that will be good for the narrator, but he has to be strong enough, bold enough to accept it.

This song is really about the opposite end of the relationship spectrum from "dOpamine" though. Where "dOpamine" is all about building excitement and new relationships and the discovery of potential without much necessary stability for staying power, "gravity" focuses on a much calmer, more comfortable place, where a stable relationship could grow.

Again, I feel like there are much more negative interpretations of this song that make sense, but I like the hopeful one, the one where the narrator can have his happy ending that he thought society's expectations had taken away from him, except it's not an ending, it's a life.

As always, I'd love to hear your takes on this song! I'd love to hear what you noticed in the lyrics!

#OnlyOneOf #gravity lyrical analysis #Things I Can't Say LOve album #I really like this song #and I do like that there's a soft sweetness to it #even if the lyrics are open to so many different interpretations #Youtube

6 notes · View notes

walker-extended-universe · 2 years

Text

Walker Fanfiction Masterlist

Most of the links below lead to the AO3 library of Descended_from_Hufflepuffs. They are divided between:

Story Series- A “Series” on AO3 that makes up an ongoing story or narrative

Multi-chapter Standalone Works- Fics that are two or more chapters long that stand one their own without any connected works

Single-chapter Standalone Works- Fics that are a single chapter that stand on their own without any connected works

Wacky Fic Ideas: Links to posts made on this blog where I have written a “wacky fic idea”, aka a vague plot or idea for a fic that I may or may not make plans to write at some future date

Story Series:

Inconsequential Micki-Inserts (Ongoing): A series of short stories inserting Micki into episodes after her leaving the show that have no bearing on the plot of the show whatsoever. I just miss Micki.

Walkernatural (Ongoing): Cordell and Micki are sent undercover to catch Sam and Dean. They’re exposed to the world of the supernatural. It is later revealed that Cordell and Sam were born twins and separated by a hospital mix-up. Things go downhill from there.

Walkercest- Stellaugust (Ongoing): A collection of stories where Stella and August are dating and fucking while being siblings.

Crime Family Walker (Ongoing): AU where the Walkers are a crime family that run Austin with an iron fist.

Walkercest- Cordaugust (Ongoing): A collection of stories focusing on the concept of Cordell/August.

The Little Things (Ongoing): Lori Graves (OC) was raised into hunting after her mother was killed by a werewolf on her fifth birthday. She ends up staying in Austin while her dad is chasing a lead on that werewolf and is welcomed into the Walker home.

Henry Winchester ‘Verse (Ongoing): An AU of Walkernatural where Cordell and Sam were raised together

Dog Tags Verse (Ongoing): War AU. Trey and Cordell are soldiers on opposite sides of a war. After Trey helps patch up Cordell in a neutral bunker, they form a bond that transcends politics.

Walkernatural Timestamps (Ongoing): Small timestamps of the Walkernatural series. Little things that didn’t fit into the overall storyline of the main series.

In Which Liam is Not a Dumbass (Complete): An exploration of ways that Liam and Bret’s relationship could’ve been fixed earlier than it was.

Walker OT3 (Ongoing): Cordell/Micki/Trey. Micki notices Cordell has feelings for her and Trey and decides to do something about it.

No Means No Multiverse (Ongoing): AU where Ruby raped August in 1x17 “Dig” and the aftermath of it, featuring a few different ways that story might be told

Sam and Dean Walker (Ongoing): AU where John left Sam and Dean with Cordell and Emily after Mary’s death. No monsters present and a bit of timeline fuckery.

A Rose By Any Other Name (Ongoing): AU where Emily didn’t die; she was arrested for being a serial killer.

Winwalker (Ongoing): Dean meets Cordell while Sam is at Stanford and both of their lives change forever

Walkercest- Cordiam (Ongoing): A collection of stories featuring Liam and Cordell in an incestuous relationship.

Multi-chapter Standalone Works:

Normal (WIP): Supernatural Crossover.

Sam just wanted to have a nice Valentine's Day with his brother but Dean takes his plans the wrong way. Feeling a little fed up with Dean's inability to just LISTEN sometimes, Sam leaves and finds comfort in the home of a friend he met a long time ago.

When Geri brings her friend that no one has ever met nor heard of before to the ranch, the Walker family isn't really sure what to do with him. But she insists on housing him there and the more they learn about Sam and why he's there, the less they want to argue.

Home (WIP): Cordell Walker doesn't handle the death of his wife very well. When her case is left cold, he tries to take things into his own hands and finds a world of danger he never expected to fall into but feels drawn to nonetheless. His family is concerned about him and they start making moves to ensure his children, barely toddlers, are cared for if something happens to him. Upon learning about this, he does the perfectly same thing of running away with them in the middle of the night.

14 years later, Stella and August Walker have been raised in the hunting lifestyle. Though Cordell tried to keep their lives as normal as possible, there was no keeping them away from the danger of the monster world. When he goes missing on a job, Stella and August do everything in their power to find him. After hitting one dead end too many, they decide to take a long shot and go somewhere they haven't been since that fateful night: Home

A Series of Fortunate Events (Complete): A collection of alternative endings/events for 2x12

In the Wake of Hurricane Denise (Complete): How is August holding up after the events of 2x12?

A Difference of Environment (WIP): Explicit A/B/O AU. Cordell Walker is undercover, not just as Duke Culpepper, but as an Omega. When his secrets are revealed, he's surprised to find acceptance rather than rejection. And maybe he finds a little something else....

It's Probably Nothing (Complete): Supernatural Crossover. AU where Sam died in the barn instead of Dean. He finds Cordell and convinces himself that he’s Sammy and he was just kidnapped by demons. Warnings for rape and brainwashing.

Romeo and Juliet: Walker Edition (WIP): Colton/Stella endgame slowburn. Romeo and Juliet is a tragic tale about two young lovers caught between warring families. If the death and tragedy of the original are too sad (or perhaps too corny) for your taste, enjoy this version with a lot less death and the joys of modern technology.

The Proposal (WIP): AU where Ruby returns after summer break. Todd/August endgame. Todd an August have become friends since their escape room funtime. After Ruby comes back and rejects Todd's early prom-posal, August attempts to help Todd feel better. It's what any good friend would do.

Dead Weight (WIP): AU. Prodigal Son Crossover. Martin Whitly made it out of the state with Hector but the plan only had enough fuel to get them to Texas. After their forced landing, they come across a couple of teenagers in a summer cabin with a duffle bag full of money. One of these teenagers is Stella Walker, daughter of a Texas Ranger. Martin would be stupid not to take advantage of this opportunity.

Cry For Help (WIP): AU. Supernatural Crossover. Cordell knows something is off about how his wife died but he's not quite sure why. He turns to the internet in his time of need and finds an unexpected source of help.

Hiding in Plain Sight (WIP): AU- Trans!Cordell. Micki/Cordell. 15 years after Cordell ran away from home, he returns to Austin with his wife and new life. He just wants to live his life without worrying about what he left behind. Unfortunately, he moved in right next door to his little brother.

The Long Road Home (WIP): Cordell Walker, Texas Ranger, was undercover for 11 months. He went dark for several of them. When he finally came back online, he wasn't the same man he was when he left. What happened and how will he recover?An alternate universe exploration of Walker coming home. Warnings for PTSD and its many sypmtoms. AU.

"Duke" Is a Dog's Name (WIP): Cordell/Reader. The reader's family ranch has entered some tough times and she enters the rodeo in the hopes of earning some extra funds to keep things going. While she's there, she meets an interesting character who calls himself Duke Culpepper. Little does she know that nothing will ever be the same after she meets the tall man with cheap aftershave.

Secrets and Lies (WIP): AU. NSFW. Micki lies to Cordell and tells her that she and Trey broke up after he went to visit his mother and they end up in a friends-with-benefits type relationship. Later, Trey finds out and ends up in one of his own with Cordell, who is unaware that they’re still dating. Liam finds out about this and exposes them, leading to a semi-drunken threeway with him and Cordell and Bret.

Bonds Broken (WIP): AU. Supernatural crossover. August running away because he’s fucking tired of this family. Things get out of hand.

A Killer By Any Other Name (WIP): AU. Supernatural crossover. Prodigal Son crossover. Cordell Walker is accused of twelve counts of first degree murder due to some damning evidence. Problem is, he didn't do it. Liam is determined to prove this so he calls on an old friend, Malcolm Bright, for some help. Meanwhile, Sam Winchester hears of the case and it doesn't take him long to figure out Walker has been pinned for one of their hunts. He can't sit by and watch an innocent man go to jail so he resolves to help in any way he can.

Family Matters (WIP): AU. He froze at the end of the entryway. It was her. It had been fifteen years since he last saw her, but he'd recognize her anywhere. He never thought he'd see her again. But there she was, standing on his front porch. Smiling at him like she hadn't abandoned him and their kids all those years ago. "...Emily?"

Don't Cry (WIP): AU where Emily runs away with Geri instead of dying. Endgame Hoyt/Cordell.

Impala67 Sent You a Message: NSFW. Supernatural Crossover. Micki/Dean. Micki is under a lot of stress. This is nothing new but she's not ready to throw in the towel and accept the heart attack at 42 just yet so she's trying something new.

This is Probably a Bad Idea But....: Pre-series. Prodigal Son crossover. Texas Ranger Cordell Walker can't seem to crack this case. He gets some unwanted assistance in the form of the eccentric Malcolm Bright.

Single Chapter Standalone Works:

I’m Sorry: Gen. Colton feels awful about how his friendship with the Walker kids fell apart. He couldn't get Stella to listen; maybe August would give him a chance. 2 x 14 Missing scene where Colton goes out of his way to apologize to August too :)

Boy Toy: Explicit. Bret/Liam. Liam's had a rough day at work. Bret knows just what to do to help him out.

Winter Wonderland: Bret/Liam. Bret invites Liam up to his family cabin for Christmas. Things don’t exactly go according to plan.

Mushroom Hunt: Explicit. Hoyt/Abby. Abby and Hoyt’s mushroom hunts are a time honored tradition. A way for them to escape the hustle and bustle of their everyday life and just be together.

Written On A Bar Napkin: Pre-series. "A lot's changed since we wrote those rules on a bar napkin."

Perfect Hair: Explicit. Rape/Non-con. Liam/Dan Miller. Liam once said that Dan had perfect hair. While Dan didn’t necessarily disagree, he liked Liam's hair more. It was the perfect length for pulling.

Grass is Greener on the Other Side: Explicit. Cordell/Denise. An exploration of what might’ve happened if Cordell hadn’t listen to Liam during 2 x 04 (It’s Not What You Think).

I’m Fine: Warnings for Self Harm. August gets into some bad habits after he loses his mom.

Denise Davidson and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day: Denise walked back to her truck after her talk with Cordell. With her back turned to him, she let some tears trickle down her face. She pretended to look through her purse while she waited for the Walkers to drive off. Only then did she get in and show her breakdown to the empty field outside her windshield.

The One That Came Back: Cordell finds Micki drinking in the same park they met in for the first time. When he takes her home, he has a talk with Trey about his concerns for the future. But those are all problems for tomorrow....

Missing You: Heavy Angst. A short little exploration of a world in which Cordell died instead of Emily

Geri Broussard Has Some Regrets: AU where Geri is pregnant with Hoyt’s child after his death.

Don’t Get (A)Head of Yourself: Cordell and Emily are taking a couples camping trip. Things don't go exactly to plan.

My Mate At Last: Explicit A/B/O. Bret/Liam. Bret has waited a long time to make Liam his mate. Now, the day has finally come. (Pun not intended).

Gentle Touches From Calloused Hands: Trey/Micki. 1x14 coda. Micki needs a little TLC after her round in the cage

Self Care Is Important (And Hard): Liam’s having some trouble adjusting after the last few months. Bret's there to help.

Things They Never Show Onscreen: 1x18 coda. Just a little thing I wrote because they never show hospital scenes in shows like this and I needed a fix :)

Just To Be Sure....: Supernatural crossover. Sam and Dean roll into Austin for a case and come across a (scarily) familiar face.

Wrong Bar: Supernatural crossover. Jack wants to hang out on earth a little more but he doesn't want Sam and Dean to know about it.

“Hard” At Work: NSFW. Bret/Liam. After Bret and Liam revive their relationship, Liam decides to shave the way Bret likes. Bret decides to show his appreciation for this decision by getting Liam a little hot and bothered at the office.

A Matter of Perspective: Slight AU. Stan Morrison has a position and reputation to protect. Sometimes he surprises himself with how far he'll go to do just that.

Bad School Days: August is still having trouble dealing with The Incident at the ranch. A friend offers to help.

I’m August: Trans!August AU. Written for Walker Pride Week. In which August Walker comes out

Unexpected: In which Cordell learns that he’s asexual.

Secrets Secrets are No Fun: Stella's been having nightmares about the crash. Cordell tries to comfort her and apologizes, which prompts her to tell the truth of what happened that day. He is not exactly happy to hear this.

Son of the Father: AU where Trevor turns against Clint during 1x13

Alibis: NSFW. Supernatural crossover.

"A little low on cash there, sweetheart?"

Liam didn't know when Dean had teleported to standing right behind him but he was grateful for the low lighting so no one saw his blush. "I- a little. But I can get some."

"Don't worry about that." Sam was speaking now and he'd also teleported directly in front of Liam. "I'm sure you can think of other ways to pay…."

Dropping Pins: Roaring 20s AU. Micki/Geri.

How long are you gonna be droppin’ pins before you finally let your hair down?

Pardon?

C'mere….

Spontaneity is the Spice of Life: How Abby and Bonham met. Based on a comment Abby made to Hoyt about the ring she gave him to propose to Geri with.

Trust: Slight NSFW. Micki/Geri. Micki and Geri try something new in the bedroom

It Wasn’t Supposed to be You: Death was inevitable. Cordell was only well too aware of it in his line of work. Death was also unpredictable. He always forgot that part.

Camping 101: You know that infamous 2017 camping trip that August insisted required double-checking all the supplies on the list for because they left the tent at home that year? Yeah. This is that.

Shoulds and Shouldn’ts: Drug use. Trevor/August. Trevor invites August over to his house one afternoon because he misses him. Things take a turn for the unexpected after August makes a confession.

Wacky fic ideas:

Idea one: Sexuality Swap

Idea two: Adoption

Idea three: Little Sister

Idea four: Demon lover

Idea five: Death Swap

Idea six: Jared Swap

Idea seven: Demon Chaos

Idea eight: Serial Killer

Idea nine: Judgemental figments

Idea ten: Trevor fucked up

Idea eleven: Stan’s going to Hell

Idea twelve: FNAF

Idea thirteen: Hunter!Emily

Idea fourteen: Sam and Dean but they have paying jobs

Idea fifteen: Deadbeat!John

Idea sixteen: Mistaken identity

Idea seventeen: Yandere

Idea eighteen: Baby Swap

Idea nineteen: Hunter!Micki

Idea twenty: Deadbeat parents

Idea twenty one: Worst Idea Ever

#walker fic #supernatural fic #prodigal son fic #crossover fic #au #my fic #my writing

7 notes · View notes

lochsides · 3 years

Text

If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power Review

Where do I even begin with 'If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power'? It is such a good album, it's almost criminal. If I had to pick the best album to be released this year, IICHLIWP would be it. Halsey has always been an excellent songwriter, that was never even in question, but it has been proved once again, in case anyone wasn't paying attention. IICHLIWP is an album that covers so much depth in sound and in lyric. The dichotomy of the Madonna and the Whore, as they said in their announcement of the album, is an overarching theme of IICHLIWP and it is articulated so consummately. The references to pregnancies and childbirth are more subtle than I expected but that's what makes them so genius. This is an album where every lyric is intentional.

My favourite songs are ‘The Tradition’, 'Bells in Santa Fe', '1121' and 'Ya'aburnee'. More detailed thoughts on each track are below the cut. Trigger warnings for sexual assault and miscarriages.

The Tradition — This is the first song on the album and Halsey had already fucked me up so there's that. I got full-body chills listening to 'The Tradition'. The production is masterful. There is this darkness that settles in early and ebbs and flows beautifully, not only throughout the song but the album as a whole. 'The Tradition' already sets up so many of themes of this album, but what a way to talk about sexual assault. I am in love with the entire chorus line but I think my favourite lyric is ‘she got the life she wanted but now all she does is cry.’

Bells in Santa Fe — The transition from 'The Tradition' into 'Bells in Santa Fe' was so smooth I didn't even notice that the songs had changed until I looked at my screen. I don't think I could actually describe how much I adore this song if I took up the rest of my life doing so. The production is absolutely God-tier. Everything from the way it keeps building throughout the song to the percussion to the piano on the second chorus and the distortion towards the end is so perfectly done. You will never hear me rave about production this much. What a fucking song! On top of all that, you have the lyrics that are so powerful. When they said 'cause who the fuck would chose this?' it reminded me of my favourite Manicsong, 'Forever... is a long' where they sing 'how could somebody ever love me?' so that stood out to me. I love the cadence on 'secondhand thread in a secondhand bed with a second man's head' but the lyric 'better off dead so I reckon I'm headed to Hell instead' is probably the one that hits the hardest. My escapist, runaway tendencies felt very exposed by the entirety of the pre-chorus.

Easier than Lying — The way she emotes on ‘you lair, you don’t love me’ is fucking everything. I needed to start with that. It’s my favourite aspect of the whole song. And then there is that obvious callback in the bridge. ‘Easier than Lying’ is the punk sound we were promised of IICHLIWP and they delivered. The Grungy electric guitar, the bass, the production!!! This one goes hard and it makes no apologies of it’s anger.

Lilith — ‘I’m disruptive, I’ve been corrupted, and by now I don’t need a fucking introduction.’ I mean what could I possibly say after that??! Honestly, I love the duality of how this line could be about Halsey but it could also be about Lilith, herself. There is a selfishness to 'Lilith' that I love. When you connect that to the mythology of Lilith preying on pregnant women and the context of this album — it's just got so many layers. Halsey's mind!! I love the sound of this song. The production has a classic rock flare to it. Those drums are so clean and the bass accompanies it perfectly. The smoothness of their vocal on this track is very pleasing to listen to.

Girl is a Gun — I'm not going to lie, this song isn't for me. I get it. The message is right up my street but the overall sound of it just isn't what I personally like. I do love their little laugh at the start! The lyric 'it's a shot in the dark, I'm not a walk in the park, I come loaded with the safety switched off' is my favourite.

You asked for this — This song is really interesting because they gave us a pop punk sound, pushed it to the back of the track, really grungey guitar riffs and all, but their voice is so light and delicate almost, very airy in a way that stands apart from the backing track. I really like it. To me, it's like an emphasis of the message of 'You asked for this'. Young women are oftentimes forced to grow up too soon and 'be a big girl.' Society forgets, I would even say purposely overlooks, that they are 'still somebody's daughter,' one of the few things that is used to give value to a woman. We've all heard people throw the phrase "but what if it was your daughter/sister?" into the conversation when discussing women that have somehow been abused by the patriarchy. 'You asked for this' also calls attention to how when we're younger, all we want is to be grown up but how unaware we can be of what it means to be a woman in this world, the trauma that comes with it.

Darling — The guitar in this song and it’s almost-country sound are what sets this song apart from the rest of the album. ‘Darling’ is a lullaby for their child, but it tells a story of their struggles. It is honest in a way that feels private. Motherhood sounds so good on them!! This song is just a collection of things I love in music. 'Darling' is soothing and it sounds like comfort, in both melody and lyric. 'Foolish men have tried but only you have shown me how to love being alive' is perhaps the softest lyric on the whole album.

1121 — I expelled a heavy sigh when I heard ‘1121’ it absolutely took my breath away*.* This song is a truly moving ode to an unborn child. So many people talk about how they had never known what unconditional love really meant until they had a child. Halsey tells it as such: ‘you could have my heart and I would break it for you.’ I love their vocal styling on this song so much, going between their lower register and those beautiful falsettos in the chorus. The overlapping on the bridge of ‘please don’t leave, don’t leave me in the shape you left me’ and ‘I’m running out of time to tell you, I’m running out of things that I regret’ and ‘you’d never, you told me’ really capture all the wide array of emotions felt by pregnant person upon finding out they are pregnant when they’ve dealt with miscarriage. Her voice emotes the fear of losing another child, the regret of the ones she's already lost, the promise, almost desperate, of the opportunity they have right now. All of these feelings are brought to life further by the production of the song. There is so much depth in '1121'.

honey — Pop punk wlw anthem check. Halsey suits this sound so much. This track, the production, the instrumentation, all of it catered to their voice so perfectly. The sound is so refreshing and yet so classic. I adore the melody. It’s unsuspectingly catchy. I wonder if there are links to ‘Lilith’ with ‘she’s mean and she’s mine’ or if I’m just reaching. Either way, a song about a love that is a little chaotic and wild, sign me up!

Whispers — Whispering on a song called 'Whispers' might be obvious but I'm a basic bitch so leave me alone, I loved it. Lyrically, 'Whispers' was the song that I saw myself in the most. When she said 'camouflage so I can feed the lie that I'm composed,' I just felt far too exposed for comfort. Same thing with 'I do not know me.' And that's what art is supposed to do. The instrumental is haunting and dark. The way they create tension by adding in one instrument at a time. The production is amazing. Top 5 shit right here!

I am not a woman, I'm a god — Not only does this song have the catchiest hook, it’s literally ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god. I am not a martyr, I’m a problem. I am not a legend, I’m a fraud so keep your heart ‘cause I already got one.’ That hook right there tells you everything you need to know about this song. ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god’ acknowledges that one needs not be a woman to create life. They are claiming power to their gender identity through relation to Godliness. Even in the other lyrics, they talk about being ‘a different human in a new place’ or ‘a better human with a new name’ (this line in particular draws direct parallels to trans experiences). Both times, they specifically use ‘human.’ The production of this song is designed to be a single. It’s got the signature darkness of this album, tells the listener where Halsey is at sonically, and it’s a total banger.

The Lighthouse — The way this song just comes in swinging right away with the distortion and the heavy guitars is exactly what I expected from this album going into it for the first time. Very modern punk rock. And the lyric doesn't pull any punches either. 'From a tender age I was cursed with rage,' like c'mon!! I love the melody and her vocal inflations throughout the song. This is the longest song on the album but it doesn't drag. The change up right before the outro really helps with that. I find that outro so interesting. The contrast between the instrumental constantly building but their voices staying so far in the back on the track creates so much tension that is relieved in the best way possible with 'Ya'aburnee'.

Ya'aburnee — ‘Ya’aburnee’ is the perfect conclusion to this album. Halsey said in their Apple Music interview that IICHLIWP is about the power to choose and by the end of the album you realise that they choose love. This song perfectly embodies that. It’s familial. The entire chorus talks of seeing yourself in your kin and the circle of life. The second verse is a clear love letter to their partner and it makes me emotional, knowing their romantic history as we do, to hear them sing ‘wrap me in a wedding ring.’ I love how the lyric ‘you will bury me before I bury you’ is not only a statement of their hopes that they don’t have to live in a world without their loved ones, a statement of how parents should never have to bury their children, but it almost sounds like a protective promise that they will do anything to ensure their loved ones are kept from harm so as not to need burial. The softness of the instrumental on ‘Ya’aburnee’ is feels like unwinding from the rest of the record. It’s such a beautiful song.

#halsey #if i can't have love i want power #iichliwp #reviews #music #i finally did it guys

43 notes · View notes

hyunsuks-beanie · 3 years

Text

Stray Kids Thunderous Review

youtube

Stray Kids finally made their much-awaited comeback, and Thunderous definitely is one hell of masterpiece. I've reviewed complied a review of the song, using different categories instead of just relying on the beat. This is my first attempt at a review, so I hope you'll enjoy it!! Let's get right to it!

I have added the link to the M/V in case some of my moots still haven't seen it

The Music

These days, every time Stray Kids have a comeback, one can expect to be met with the a whole new set of glaring vocals, loud instrumental sounds and bizarre melodies. Each of these would stick out like a sore thumb on its own, but together, they somehow manage to make a song that will be stuck in your head for sure, like it or not. And Thunderous is no exception, with SKZ charting into a territory that screams God's Menu, but still holds its own.

The song starts with dramatic trumpet noises that build the stage for what's to come: a full fledged slap-you-in-the-face rap. The song is catchy, and you're gonna have a hard time taking in all that's going on. The opening eventually gives way to a more laid-back pre-chorus that's heavy on the vocals, before jumping straight into what promises to be an addictive chorus.

The second verse is much more relaxed, but definitely has its highs, like Han's rap or Seungmin's part. It does its purpose of building up the tempo for the bridge, which has a more confident vibe. While the first verse can be thought of as a rebellious kid, the bridge transitions into more of an "I'm right and I know it, do what you will about it" type of feeling.

Bottomline

Overall, Thunderous may not be everyone's cup of tea, because it's super heavy on the tempo, but one thing's for sure. Like it or not, you're not gonna be able to ignore it. You may like it on first listen, or it may take a while to grow on you. But rest assured that if you do listen to it, you're not gonna get it out of your head any time soon.

The Lyrics

The lyrics of Thunderous are different from God's Menu and Back Door, but they still seem familiar. The "I don't give a f**k what you say" vibe that just oozes from every single word is a perfect match for the obnoxious melody. It's like Stray Kids finally found the sound that suits them the most, and they don't plan on letting go any time soon.

The second Changbin says, "Changbin, I choose my own path," you just know you're in for a rebellious ride, where no heed is given to anything that doesn't matter. One interesting thing about Thunderous is how SKZ have tried to incorporate poetic, story-like phrases into their lyrics. Take "woodcutter and wood," or "the Thunderous ones," for example. It's just the perfect bled of traditional meets modern.

The "Ptui Ptui" part definitely is the highlight, and will probably be stuck in your head. Every single syllable oozes confidence and faith in oneself, and can be just the perfect anthem for blocking out haters this year. What's even better is that not only does the song take a jibe at haters, it also instigates them, calling them "jealous" and saying they "talk too much."

The final nail in the coffin has got to be the bridge, where villains are warned to "back off," because the Thunderous ones (cue Felix's smirk) are here.

Bottomline

The song is perfect for those who'd like to take a "Not giving two f**cks approach" to haters, but need just a little added push. Much like the lyrics, your blood's gonna end up boiling if you listen to Thunderous closely (and if you can make out what they mean, even as the melody threatens to overpower your senses).

The M/V

I have to say, with the traditional touch making a comeback into KPop songs, Stray Kids definitely stand out. That's because instead of going full-on hanbok-style, they have opted for modern sensibilities and punk, against a cinematic period backdrop. The heavy drum sounds in Thunderous seem to reverberate through the setting, ultimately reinforcing the strong sound.

It's rather hard to go wrong with a fully traditional aesthetic (provided your song suits it), but Stray Kids have walked into uncharted territory with their red clothes. And I must say, despite the newness of the concept, they have managed to nail it, as if they've been doing this for years.

Bottomline

One can see that had SKZ gone full pyscho with their themes for God's Menu or Back Door, the result would have been Thunderous. And the same seems to be working in their favour, so let's enjoy this while it lasts.

The Choreography

Not gonna lie, Stray Kids' main track choreographies, more often than not, seem like a full workout of their own. The energy is always insane, and Thunderous is no exception. While the choreography in the verses is not easily perceptible in the M/V, the chorus alone is enough to get my heart pumping. The "Ptui Ptui" part really stands out, with its unique move.

Much like the lyrics, the dance too, seems to instigate haters to try and say something useless. This aura reaches its peak near the bridge, especially at Felix's part, when they pair it with that smirk.

I also really liked the part near the ending, when Changbin and Hyunjin can be seen riding atop the others. I'm not too sure if it's a part of the choreography, but either way, it's a great addition to the M/V.

Bottomline

The choreography is really interesting, if not completely unique. The familiarity comes from SKZ's own songs, especially God's Menu and All In.

The Styling

The styling, much like the general concept, seems to be an extension of what Stray Kids have been trying for the past year. I particularly liked the hair accessories (Hyunjin), and I especially loved the hair extensions that Felix tried out.

SKZ also put quite a lot of emphasis into their headgear, with many different types of hats/caps on display. While Changbin's signature baseball cap was quite familiar, Felix's beanie and oversized hat were a welcome new.

Meanwhile, Hyunjin's hat with their intricate feather was really beautiful, as was Lee Know's beret and Han's hat.

The color code went exceptionally well with the song's whole vibe, with the black and white being more chill, and the red being more in-your-face.

In Chan's case, though, at this point I think the stylists have really stopped trying to hide his abs underneath layers of clothing. Hence, the bandaged look that was a fairly new concept. I have a feeling this could trigger a new fashion in KPop altogether.

Bottomline

The costumes went pretty well with the whole ambience of the song, and will probably look really cool on stage too. SKZ's visuals will most likely pop in the best way possible, thanks to the intricate hair fashion, and the bold makeup that's not glaring.

Conclusion

Overall, Stray Kids have served yet another song which screams of their signature sound (the perks of self-producing), and Thunderous is likely to be remembered for at least a while. The hook is catchy and the lyrics are enjoyable, making this song one hell of a ride.

The bold concept really suits SKZ, and it's nice to see them making full use of it. I loved the comeback, and I have a feeling this song is here to stay.

A/N: This was my first attempt at a review, so I hope it was good. Do let me know how it was! Have a nice day!

29 notes · View notes

ssaltbending · 3 years

Text

Ok, guys, hear me out: Zuko is a Capricorn, Katara is a Cancer —and here’s why (it would be so poetic).

Part 1: Zuko

TW: explicit mentions of child abuse.

I know this statement might seem weird and out of place, but in the last couple weeks I’ve been digging a lot into astrology and, in order not to forget my roots, I thoroughly felt the need to combine both of my most recent obsessions in one post, given that this headcanon hasn’t been able to leave my mind ever since I came up with it: if we applied astrology to the Avatar world, I’m sure Cancer and Capricorn would be Katara and Zuko’s signs, respectively. And I don’t say this in a superficial way, just by looking at zodiac memes and associating Katara with the crybabies Cancers are portrayed as or saying Zuko is a Capricorn buzzkill as people who know astrology on a surface level would assume they are —those are some of the most common stereotypes about the signs. No, I’m saying that they embody those signs on an archetypal leve: in the way their stories, especially Zuko’s, resemble the myths that originate the zodiac signs and their respective traits.

Therefore, without further ado, let me explain.

The Capricorn archetype: the sins of the father...

As any casual astrology enthusiast may probably know, the sign of Capricorn is connected to qualities such as perseverance, integrity, resilience and ambition, typically treated as the CEO or boss of the zodiac. However, the sign itself has a richer and much more complex story as we look at the deities it is associated with as well as the planet that rules it: Saturn, linked to the Roman god of the same name and the greek gods Cronus, Zeus, Hestia and Pan. Some astrologers choose Cronus as Capricorn’s patron god and others prefer his children, but that can be explained very easily.

The myth goes like this: Cronus, a giant and father of what we would know as some of the main greek gods (Hestia, Demeter, Hades, Poseidon, Hera and Zeus), was actually the son of Uranos, who he subverted thanks to the advice of his mother Gaia to use an agricultural tool to kill him. But as time went by and Cronus had started having children with his partner, Rhea, the fear of his descendants becoming stronger than him and doing the same thing he had done to his father took over him, which led to his decision of swallowing them all whole. He started with Hestia all the way back to Zeus, whom he couldn’t swallow right after he was born, unlike his other children, because this time Rhea had hid him in the island of Crete to protect him from his father. To deceive him, Rhea then covered a rock in cloth to make it resemble a baby for Cronus to eat it, thinking that it was a newborn Zeus.

Time passed and Zeus grew stronger until he was ready to confront his father and save his siblings from his womb, and when he finally did it, he managed to force Cronus into disgorge them one by one, in the reverse order they had been swallowed —which left Hestia as the last sibling to be disgorged.

After that, Zeus was left with a prophecy, where he would also be possibly overthrown by a son of his. And after Métis, the woman he was told would bear said child, gave birth he swallowed the newborn whole just like Cronus had done with his brothers and sisters. The child in question, however, started giving him headaches as it grew older and bigger inside of him and would become the goddess we know as Athena. What Zeus did with her was the repetition of a cycle perpetuated by his forefathers, a cycle of abuse and trauma that seems inescapable. What this part of the duality of the Capricorn archetype shows one of the ways in which those ideas of tradition and legacy can be carried on (a very negative one, to be honest), but that’s not the only way they can manifest, which gives the archetype this… almost cinematic quality, in my opinion. (And if we take this into account, I might headcanon Azula as a Capricorn rising due not only to the archetypal coincidences but the overall mastermind outlook she has and how much of a natural, domineering and calculating leader she is, but that’s besides the point.)

Now, let’s talk about the other side of the archetype, which gives it this incredible dual quality: Hestia’s path. Unlike her brother Zeus, Hestia was the one who not only had been devoured by her father, but she had spent the most time inside him as well. This is often associated with the emotional isolation many Capricorns experience in their youth, the lack of warmth and love by one of their parents, along with the desire not to become the abusive parent they were exposed to. Hestia is the other side of the story, the unspoken leader of the Olympians, the one who broke the toxic cycle running in her family for generations, vowing to become an eternal virgin and protector of the earth. Besides, Hestia means “hearth”: the inner fire, the one that is never allowed to go out.

(art by @elisebrave)

That is the soul of the Capricorn archetype: the crossroads of destiny, the moment when the child decides whether to become like their parents, or forge their own path like Hestia did. Do you guys see what I see now? Are the similarities clear enough?

As my dear friend @persephobeee points out in her Capricorn essay (a crucial source for this one): “The Capricorn archetype is a cycle of stuck parents putting stress on their children at such a young age so then their kid ends up making money in retaliation, but then treat their kids the same as well due to the lack of warmth and freedom they had in their own childhood. The intense pressure put onto them as a child [then] leads to isolation and depression. It’s a cycle. ‘I don’t want to be my parent, but also… how they have ruined me’. The chain can continue with Zeus (projecting sorrows and nightmares onto their own children) or it could break with Hestia (the path of love, light and protection).”

This is why Capricorn’s planetary ruler, Saturn, is also associated with ideas found in this myth: restriction, limitation, order, boundaries, leadership, responsibility… pretty much dad vibes, to be honest. Do you guys see what I see or do I have to dig deeper?

“But isn’t zuko a firebender?? Why would he be an earth sign??”, you may ask.

The way that I might be making headcanons about the Gaang’s western zodiac signs isn’t gonna be based on which element they bend, because that would be quite reductive and restrictive for me as an astrology junkie, but their similarities to each sign’s archetype and overall characteristics. And yes, I do see Zuko as an earth sun, but that wouldn’t be his only sign, there is also the moon and the rising sign, which also have an important impact on the individual. In my opinion, Zuko’s personality embodies the qualities of fire signs as well: competitiveness, drive, passion, impulsiveness and loyalty. But to me those qualities are better shown in his character through his moon sign: an Aries moon, to be specific. See those anger outbursts? The “I don’t need any [fucking] calming tea!!”? The “you never think these things through”? Aries moon behavior, right there. But I’m not going to focus on moon signs right now. Let’s get back to the behavior I am the most well-versed at: Capricorn behavior.

So, the sign of Capricorn is also a cardinal sign, a leader, since they are the ones that begin each season. In the Northern Hemisphere, Capricorn season starts right on the winter solstice, and the opposite happens in the South. However, since all the astrology lore comes from the North thanks to the Greeks, Babylonians and more, the seasonal connections are related to the seasons there. As a consequence, Capricorn is the cardinal sign that brings the coldest, darkest season of the year: winter. And incorporating that into Zuko’s character would be incredibly fitting, in my opinion, because of some stuff I’ve read here on Tumblr saying that making him being born during the coldest time of the year would make it a terrible omen for a firebender, worse in this case due to him being born into the royal family, symbols of the power and “supremacy” of the Fire Nation. The fact that he would be born in winter, if we follow this reasoning, would have made him seem as a disappointment to his father ever since birth.

… or maybe I’m just cruel, guys.

Moreover, I think Zuko embodies many of the Capricorn qualities in the way he carries himself (because no, not all Capricorns are confident managers with the world in our hands) and how hard he has to work to earn everything he gets. A key part of what this sign represents is “the path of hardships the goat has to overcome in order to reach the top of the mountain”, which along with the myth I have described before, could easily be applied to Zuko. It describes values of endurance, hard work, discipline and drive in order to achieve your goals, something that can be seen in Zuko all throughout the series, but changes its focus as the seasons go by. Besides, uhm… have you guys seen “The Day of Black Sun, Part 2”? That is literally the positive outcome of the Capricorn myth made into animation: the confrontation between an abusive father figure and his abused child who has decided to part ways with him in order to become a better person.

On another note, I think it is important to highlight how the Capricorn in Zuko could be seen based on how the rest of the Gaang treats him as well when he changes sides and he’s accepted into the group. How?, you may be wondering: as a father figure, but in a positive way. In many scenes it can be noticed how he naturally takes a position of leadership within the group as well as he takes care of the younger members such as Aang and Toph but, especially in Aang’s case, tries to ground them and teach them. As examples, take the following: Zuko reminding Aang that soon he will have to face the fact that he might have to kill Ozai, him trying to get everyone to train when the comet is about to arrive; how when Aang gets lost, it is him the one people look to in order to lead the group, etc.

Another thing that is well-known in Capricorns is our resilience and perseverance and, honestly: do I even need to explain that? When it comes to the guy who would get his ass beaten again and again and again for one season straight in order to get what he wanted which would also give him the approval of his father, what he craved most? It screams earth sign behavior to me, but with a heavy saturnian influence due to Zuko’s background which, to me, can be quite an interesting reflection of the Saturn/Cronus myth with his children. Said tenacity could also be exacerbated by the willpower and energy brought by the possibility of him having a fire moon, I don’t know, think about it. I stick to that headcanon.

That perseverance can also be seen when it comes to Zuko’s firebending, given how much he’s always trying to improve his skills. Although it could be argued that in reality he’s doing so due to the expectations put on him to be a proficient bender just like his sister in order to be accepted by his father, and his constant training to the point of exhaustion is just a manifestation of that toxic behavior. I am sorry to tell you, but that’s textbook Capricorn behavior, associated with the symbolism of the hardworking goat in general: working the hardest in order to get what you want is always on-brand when it comes to important Capricorn placements, and in my opinion Zuko is no exception.

Final thoughts.

Anyway, what I think would be most relevant is what I mentioned before about the Capricorn archetype and how it could tie in nicely to Zuko’s character arc with him as a representation of Hestia, who could grow out of the abuse she experienced and got a chance not to make her father’s mistakes and break that horrendous cycle she had been a victim of. I would go into this more deeply, but I think it has been enough for now. However, I’ll be back soon with a part two, talking about my water queen Katara. What do you think about this headcanon? Do you agree? If not, why?

Thanks for coming to my weird-ass TedTalk at 1am. I needed to vent and I haven’t been able to put the computer down since 9pm, I literally only stopped to eat, lol.

See you soon,

a Capricorn sun.

77 notes · View notes

nerdygaymormon · 3 years

Note

Do you have a link to your thoughts on the CES letter? Because I'm sure plenty of folk have asked you about it. I'm, struggling.

The CES letter has been mentioned to me a few times in asks, but I don’t recall being asked to respond directly to it.

Before getting into it, I want to make you aware of this post about Faith Transitions, I think it may be useful to you.

I read the CES letter many years ago, probably the original version, it’s changed a lot since then. I think the CES letter is sloppy, and twists quotes, uses some questionable sources, and frames things in the worst possible way. It’s basically an amalgamation of all the anti-Mormon literature. But many of the main points of the CES letter are important and correct, even if the supporting details aren’t.

In a way, the CES letter has done the Church a favor. For a long time, Elder Packer insisted that anything which isn’t faith-promoting shouldn’t be taught. As a result, most members of the Church were taught a simplified version of Church history, leaving out anything that is messy or difficult. Although those things could be found if someone was looking for them, I found many of them simply by reading Brigham Young Discourses or other works of the early church.

With the internet, Elder Packer’s approach to history turns out to be a bad one. This information is out there and now most members learn about it from sources seeking to destroy their faith. One response to this has been a series of essays where the Church talks about some difficult subjects.

————————————————————

I’m not going to go through all the claims & challenges of the CES letter, but let me address some of the main ones.

1) There are errors in the Book of Mormon that are also contained in the 1769 edition of the Bible.

From the more faithful point-of-view, Joseph recognizes these passages, such as those from Isaiah, and knows they've already been translated into English and copies them from his family’s Bible. The non-faithful point-of-view is that Joseph copied these verses from his family Bible and tried to pass it off as his own translation.

2) DNA analysis has concluded that Native American Indians do not originate from the Middle East or from Israelites but from Asia.

This is correct. The Church has an essay which admits this and then spends a lot of time explaining how genetics works and one day we might find some Middle East connection. I find the Church essay convoluted as it goes through many possible (and unlikely) reasons for why no DNA of the Jaredites, Nephites or Lamanites has yet been found in the Americas.

3) There are things in the Book of Mormon that didn’t exist during Book of Mormon times, or in Central America (assuming this is where the Book of Mormon takes place), such as horses, chariots, goats, elephants, wheat, and steel.

This is also correct. Maybe the translation process was using a common word in English for a common item in the Book of Mormon. Maybe these are errors. Maybe it’s made up.

4) No archeological evidence has been found for the Nephite/Lamanite civilizations.

Correct. When it comes to archeological evidence, it's true that we haven't found any. For one thing, we don't know where the Nephite & Lamanite civilizations are supposed to have taken place. If you don't know where to look, it's easy to have no evidence. Perhaps Nephites & Lamanites didn’t actually exist and that’s why there’s no archeological evidence. The Book of Mormon does seem to do a decent job of describing geography of the Middle East before Lehi & his family boarded the boat for the Promised Land.

5) Book of Mormon names and places are strikingly similar (or identical) to many local names and places of the region Joseph Smith lived in.

This seems like a funny thing to get hung up on. First of all, it’s not very many names that are similar. Secondly, many places in the US are named for Biblical places & people. If the Book of Mormon people came from Israel, it makes sense they did something similar. For example, the word Jordan is in the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and in many places in America.

6) He points to obscure books or dime-novels that Joseph Smith might have read and the similarities between them and the Book of Mormon.

Those similarities are mostly at the surface level. To me it doesn't seem like Joseph plagiarized any particular book, and these specific books seem to not been very popular so difficult to say Joseph, who lived on the frontier, actually read them. Funny how no one from that time period thought the Book of Mormon resembled those books, probably because they hadn’t heard of them. But Joseph did hear and read a number of stories and some of that phrasing or whatever of the time influenced him. Think of songwriters, they create a new song then get accused of plagiarizing because it's similar to another popular song. Even without intending to, they were influenced by things they heard.

7) The Book of Mormon has had 100,000 changes.

Most of the "100,000" changes to the Book of Mormon were to break it into chapters & verses, to add chapter headings, or to add grammar such as commas and whatnot. There are some changes to fix errors that got printed but differed from the original manuscript. And there's been some clarifications made, but these are few in number. By claiming "100,000" he's trying to make it seem like there's a scam being done. It's easy to get a replication of the first Book of Mormon from the Community of Christ and read it side-by-side with today's version. I’ve done that and occasionally there’s a word or two here or there which differ, but overall it's mostly the same.

8) There were over 4 different First Vision accounts

True. Over the years, the way Joseph described the First Vision changed. I think different versions emphasize different aspects of the experience. I don’t find them to be contradictory. Oh, and the Church has an essay about this.

9) The papyri that Joseph translated into the Book of Abraham has been found and translated and it’s nothing like the Book of Abraham.

This is true. The Church has an essay about it. The Church now says that the papyri inspired Joseph to get the Book of Abraham via revelation, much like his translations of the Bible weren’t from studying the ancient Greek & Hebrew. It is a big change from what the Church used to teach, that this was a translation of the papyrus. The papyri has nothing to do with the Book of Abraham, and the explanations of the facsimiles in the Pearl of Great Price don’t match what the scholars say those pictures are about.

10) Joseph married 34+ women, many without Emma’s consent, some who had husbands, and even a teenager.

This all appears to be true. Emma knew about some of them, but not all. As for the married women, they were still married to their husbands but sealed to Joseph (I know this is strange to us, but this sort of thing was common until Wilford Woodruff standardized how sealings are done).

Polygamy was illegal in the United States. Most people who participated were told to keep it secret. So of course there’s carefully-worded statements by Joseph and others denying they participate in polygamy.

The salacious question everyone wants to know is if Joseph slept with all these women. We don’t know, but a DNA search for descendants of Joseph has taken place among the descendants of the women he was ‘married’ to and none have been found. But still, if he wasn’t doing anything wrong, why is he hiding this from Emma?

11) The Church used to teach that polygamy was required for exaltation, even though the Book of Mormon condemns polygamy.

This is accurate. The Church says polygamy was part of ancient Israel and so as part of the restoration of all things, polygamy had to be restored, see D&C 132:34. Now we no longer say polygamy is required to get to the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom.

12) Brigham Young taught Adam-God theory, which is now disavowed by the Church.

True. Joseph Smith didn’t teach this and John Taylor & Wilford Woodruff don’t seem to have any time for this teaching. It’s a thing Brigham Young was hot about and taught, but seems a lot of the church didn’t buy it as it was discarded after his death.

13) Black people weren’t allowed to hold the priesthood until 1978, despite Joseph having conferred it to a few Black people during his life.

Very true and very sad. This and the Mountain Meadows Massacre are the two biggest stains on the Church’s past. There is a Church essay on Race & the Priesthood. The ban appears to have begun with Brigham Young and he developed several theories to justify it, and these explanations expanded over the decades and bigotry was taught as doctrine. The Church now disavows all explanations that were taught in the past.

No reason for the priesthood ban is put forward in the Church essay other than racism. The past leaders were racists and that blinded them to what God wanted for Black people. There’s a big lesson in that for LGBTQ teachings of the Church.

14) The Church misrepresents how Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon.

The accounts of Joseph Smith putting a seer stone in a hat and reading words from it, that's part of the historic record. Quotes about it don’t make it to our Sunday School lessons, but if you go back to the Joseph Smith papers and other accounts, it’s there to read. Joseph also used the Urim & Thummim, and wrote out characters and studied them, but he seems to have most favored the stone-in-hat method. I think the main problem here is the Church in its artwork and movies does not depict this, and therefore most members are unaware until they see anti-Mormon literature. Why does the Church not show Joseph looking into a hat? Because it seems magical and weird to modern people. But how much weirder is it than he put on the Urim & Thummim like glasses and could translate that way, or he wrote out these characters from some extinct language and was able to figure out what they mean?

————————————————————

A number of the main points in the CES letter are true (even if explanations/supporting details in the CES are problematic). Some of the main points have simple explanations and don’t seem like a big deal. Others challenge what the Church has taught. To its credit, the Church put out essays by historians & scholars, with sources listed in the footnotes, addressing several of these controversial topics.

————————————————————

Religion is meant to help humans make sense of their world and our place in it. Most religious stories are metaphorical but end up getting taught as literal history and, in my opinion, the same is true of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And that’s why the CES letter has power, it points out things aren’t literally true but were taught by the Church as factual, and the CES letter shows us part of our messy history that the Church tried to hide.

————————————————————

The story of Adam and Eve can’t literally be true. It doesn’t fit our evolutionary past, but it’s meant to make our lives important, God created us and we have to account to Him for our choices, and it’s important to find someone to go through life with. We can say the same of Job and the Book of Ruth, fiction with a purpose.

While there are some real events included in the Bible, much of what’s written is there to teach lessons, culture, and give meaning to life. Jesus taught in parables so at least he was upfront that they were stories that contained morals.

Can I believe the same about the Book of Mormon, that it’s inspired fiction with meaning I can apply to my life, or must it be literally history to have value?

————————————————————

I went through a massive faith crisis while attending BYU. I had access to materials that told a different story of this religion than I’d been taught (the sorts of things in the CES Letter) and it threw me for a loop.

It felt like the floor of faith I had stood on shattered and I fell with no way to stop myself. After I had a chance to process through the things I was feeling, I looked at my shattered faith and picked up the parts that were meaningful to me.

I had lined up my faith similar to a line of dominoes. If the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph was a prophet. If Joseph was a prophet, then this is the true church. If this is the true church, then...

This works until it doesn’t. Once a domino topples over, it starts a chain event.

Now I look at principles and concepts and decide if they’re meaningful to me.

I love the idea that we can spend eternity with the people we love most.

I believe we should be charitable and loving to others.

People on the margins need to be looked after and helped and lifted.

Poor people deserve dignity and the rich to be challenged.

We have a commitment to our community and we all serve to make it better.

All are alike to God, we’re all loved and God has a grand plan for us.

Those who passed away can still be saved through the atonement of Christ.

Those are all principles I find in the Bible and Book of Mormon or at church and I find Love flows through all of those.

This new approach works for me. I don’t have to believe or hold onto problematic teachings. I can drop them and still hold the parts that I find valuable. I can reject the teachings and statements which are bigoted, homophobic, transphobic, racist, ableist, misogynistic. Prophets can make mistakes and still have taught some useful things.

That little voice of the spirit and what it teaches and guides me to do, I trust it over what Church leaders say. Overarching principles are more important to me than specific details for how this gets applied in the 1800′s or 1950′s or Biblical times.

————————————————————

I truly hope some of what I’ve written is helpful.

There’s no use pretending that the CES letter doesn’t get some things correct. It’s also helpful to understand it’s not just trying to share truth, but has an agenda to make the Church look as bad as possible.

What about the things the CES letter is correct about?

Has this church helped you learn to connect with the Divine?

The Church has some very big flaws, but also has some big things in its favor. Some of its unique teachings are very appealing and feel hopeful and right.

Can you leave the Church and be a good person and have a relationship with God? Absolutely.

I also know this church is a community and it’s hard to walk away cold-turkey with nothing to replace it, without another network to belong to. It’s as much a religion as it is a lifestyle and circle of friends.

Are there parts you can hold onto? Parts you can let go of?

You have a lot to think about and work through.

#long post #ces letter #this is a much longer answer than I thought I would write

45 notes · View notes

chipper9906 · 3 years

Text

Heal The Cracks Within My Heart - Chapter 1: Love Is...

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR LOKI SEASON 1 EPISODE 6 ‘FOR ALL TIME. ALWAYS.’

Pairings: Loki/Sylvie

Rating: General Audiences

Chapter Word Count: 12,073

Overall Word Count: 12,073 (In Progress)

Status: Multi Chapter Fic - In Progress (1/?)

Fic Summary:

It was insane when he thought of how much had changed in such a short amount of time. How much he had changed. His perspective had shifted entirely, becoming the kind of man he used to laugh at. Love was weakness. Love was giving someone else the opportunity to take advantage of you, distract you from what truly mattered. Love was something that turned you soft, that made you think twice before doing what needed to be done.

Oh, how he was wrong. Love was… power. Love was giving yourself to another person -- not relying on that other person to make you whole, but to better one another, to strengthen the weaknesses you thought were buried and hidden.

Love was… everything that she was.

* * *

I had initially made this is a single one-shot after the Season Finale, but it kind of just... kept going? More and more scenes came to life in my head, and now here they are; A multi-chapter continuation fic following Sylvie and Loki as they try to get a start on mopping up the multi-verse whilst trying to work out these messy, confusing feelings they have for one another.

Link To Fic

Click Below To Keep Reading

AUTHORS NOTE: If you've already read my one-shot Sylki fic 'Love Is', then you can skip straight to the next chapter because this first chapter is just that fic.

* * *

Perhaps, in another time, another him, he would have told the story of this moment differently. He would say that he stared upon that looming statue, the impassive stone face of ‘He Who Remains’, and he did not tremble. He looked into the face of the man he knew he was to take down, and he got to work.

But he’d be lying if he’d said that.

He had looked up to that statue in horror. He had stood there, wishing he was looking at the statues of the timekeepers, instead. Because he knew that, the horrors of all that happened before? That was going to be nothing, nothing, compared to what was coming.

The room he was sat in now was almost familiar. The same type of nearly every interrogation room that the TVA had, but there was something… off about it. Perhaps a slightly different shade of orange compared to the previous TVA’s color scheme. Or… or perhaps the font they used for the number plastered on the wall was different?

What was familiar was the collar locked in place around his neck. ‘Purely for safety purposes’ they had told him as TVA security swarmed him, all but picked him up by his arms, and hauled him off into this room. He had been sat on this hard, uncomfortable chair for… actually, he still wasn’t too sure how time worked in the TVA. All he knew was that it had been too long already.

It had barely been a moment. The change had happened so fast. Too fast. He had tumbled back through that time door, and… time itself had erupted. Chaos, just as ‘He Who Remains’ had told them it would. And this was just one. One branch of what was going to be infinite – some good, and some very, very bad. But it didn’t even matter if there were good ones. Because ultimately, the bad ones were coming. The bad ones were out there, and this time, they were going to do everything in their power to make sure their timeline came out on top.

And somehow… he had to stop it?

No… No, not just him.

Perhaps… perhaps he can find a way out of here. Steal a TemPad, perhaps? No, no, that wouldn’t work… There was only one TVA, wasn’t there? So, that meant… Mobius was truly gone. His Mobius, anyway. The one who was going to burn this place to the ground. The one that was going to spread the truth. Now, he was… just another variant. The same Mobius he had first met, who was just trying to do his job. Maybe he could do this all over again, find a way to get Mobius to believe him.

Or... Or what if there were multiple TVA's now? All those branches were no longer just branches, but entirely new timelines. New universes that would, ultimately, clash with one another. So maybe, somewhere out there, was the true Mobius from his timeline. Perhaps, if he explained everything to them, to this TVA – tried to find a way for them to understand that his timeline was the only one that didn't involve all-out chaos?

But it seemed unlikely. This was… different. There were no more lies about the TVA in this timeline, it seemed. No timekeepers. Just him. They might already know that ‘He Who Remains’ is in control of everything. And… what exactly is this version of ‘He Who Remains’ like? Was this one that had already planned for eons of chaos?

Was this TVA already planning for a multiversal war?

No, perhaps the TVA wasn’t the way to go. He… he needed to go back there. To that place in the void, beyond the end of time. He… he had to go find her. He needed to find Sylvie.

Simply thinking of her name lodged a hard rock of messy, almost unidentifiable emotions down his throat. Loki’s nails dug into the soft flesh of his palm as he squeezed his hands together atop the cool surface of the table, his eyes scrunched shut as he struggled to get his thoughts back under control. This pain was… new. And horrible. Dull, like a heavyweight pushing down on him, yet simultaneously sharp like a dagger being plunged through his chest. He knew what it felt like to be on the other end now, he supposed.

It wasn’t fun, to say the least.

Would she still even be in the citadel? In whatever time had passed, surely she would have… actually, he doesn’t know. Neither had she. The plan she had meticulously crafted her whole life had finished with slaying the one responsible for all her suffering. And now it was done… what else would she do?

‘Maybe… we could figure it out… together?’

‘Maybe…’

Loki shakes his head vigorously, trying to push away the memory that seemed to echo around the room. He had to focus. Sylvie could be…

Oh. Oh, but… this TVA had a new ruler. The one consistent factor among all the branches, was the same TVA. Which surely meant the same place at the end of time. The same citadel. And if that was the case, then…

Would everything have changed within? Would the new variant of ‘He Who Remains’ already be shacked up in his office?

Would Sylvie still be there?

Was she even alive in this timeline?

No. She couldn’t… It wasn’t possible. He couldn’t think like that. She was still out there, somewhere, he knew it. But… but where? If she had grabbed that TemPad, then… then she could be anywhere. There was only one place he could start looking, though. He had to go back to the citadel.

“You doing any better?”

Loki startles at the familiar voice, looking up from the table he was sat on to the door that had been pushed open. He can’t help the small jolt of hope that rushes through him at the sight of Mobius, but the reality of which Mobius he was looking at quickly drains it away.

“Happens more often than you’d think,” Mobius tells him with a soft chuckle, stepping into the room and letting the door swing shut behind him. Loki keeps a cautious eye on him as he strides over to the table, sitting down on the orange chair opposite with a tired-sounding grunt. Mobius pulls out the wooden clipboard he had tucked under his arm, placing it down onto the table and tapping his hands against it like a drum.

“What happens more often than I’d think?” Loki asks, not even trying to hide the miserable tone seeping into his voice.

“Cracking under pressure,” Mobius picks up the pen tucked neatly away within the clipboards holder. “This is a stressful job. We know of the importance of our work; the fact that you’re going through this now shows just how much you care.”

Loki barely holds back a snort of laughter. He had no idea…

“Can I… get you some water or something?” Mobius offers. “Sorry about doing things all… you know, like this. Treating you like some sort of variant-,”

He can’t help it. The laughter does push out of him this time, although the way none of his smile reaches his eyes definitely puts Mobius on edge.

“No… No, I wouldn’t like any water,” Loki finally speaks once his short burst of laughter is over. “And to answer your earlier question? No. I am not doing better. In fact, I am quite far from anywhere near okay-,”

“Alright, alright…” Mobius stops his rant, hands held up in defense, as if it would somehow calm Loki down. “That’s why I’m here, okay? We’re gonna figure things out.”

“Figure what out?”

“First of all, it’d be good to know who exactly you are.”

Loki’s brow scrunches in confusion, his eyes flickering between Mobius’s peering stare and the file clipped onto the clipboard. “You’re telling me you haven’t figured it out already?”

“Well, we tried looking you up in our database,” Mobius’s hands go to the insides of his jacket, pulling out the rectangular appliance Loki was all too familiar with by now. “Weird thing, but uh… you didn’t come up on our employee register. Not a thing. Now, I know there’s a lot of us here – partly why I wasn’t too worried when I didn’t recognize you from anywhere. But… there should be some record of you here.”

Loki’s eyes were drawn to the TemPad Mobius still held in his hands. Mobius took notice of the direction of his stare, his eyes narrowing by just the slightest as he safely tucked the TemPad back into his jacket pocket. It was only as his hand went into his pocket, moving the side of his suit away from his body, did Loki catch sight of the pruning stick holstered by his side.

“How about we start with a name?” Mobius asks.

He could lie here. Spout out some random name, send Mobius searching for the records once again. It could give him more time, put together at least some semblance of a plan. And yet, on the other hand… There was that urge, that nagging feeling deep down to tell the truth. He still wasn’t sure what the rules of this new reality were exactly. There could be a chance, however small, that the Mobius he knows still exists somewhere within the stranger sat opposite him. Maybe, if he told him his name… Mobius might get that slight tickle of ‘I know this person'. Perhaps even enough for him to go looking for secrets that change his view on the TVA forever.

It was worth a shot.

“Loki,” Loki answers, his eyes searching deep into Mobius’s face for any sign of familiarity. “My name is Loki.”

But there’s nothing from Mobius. No light-bulb-over-the-head moment of realization he was hoping for. He simply shakes his head in a nod, before scribbling down his name upon the record sheet in front of him.

“And it seems you already knew who I was,” Mobius mutters as he finishes writing something down that Loki can’t see from this angle. “Though, not too sure how. I mean, it’s not like…”

Mobius pauses, an almost curious look on his face as he looks at Loki. “…Have we met before? No offense, but I meet a lot of analysts in my work, and… I can’t say I remember us ever meeting.”

Loki gave Mobius a strained smile. “What’s the point? You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, anyway.”

That got Mobius’s attention. His eyebrows shot up in surprise, leaning forward in his chair. “Try me.”

Loki was about to shake his head. Moments away from spouting out some other lie, something to get him out of this mess. But then his eyes are drawn back to the pruning stick he knows is hidden behind Mobius’s suit, and he realizes… there’s only one way this can go. He needs to get back to the citadel, and to do that, he needs to go back to the Void and – somehow – enchant Alioth again. It was a stupid plan, he knew that fully, but there was no other choice. He needed to find Sylvie – and this was the only way to start looking for her.

Either Mobius believes him, or he prunes him.

Win-Win.

“We messed it all up,” Loki confesses once more. “The sacred timeline. The original one -- the one I’m from. That’s where I was before I was sent here.”

“The original one?”

“Yes. We were… we were trying to set everything free. The timelines, the variants, the TVA, everything. We needed to bring it to an end, bring him to an end, and-,”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait just a second,” Mobius stops him, holding out a hand. “You needed to bring who to an end?”

“Your leader. I believe your strange clock mascot likes to call him ‘He Who Remains.’ But, where I’m from, you all didn’t know he was your leader. He created these androids, three reptilian creatures he called ‘The Time-Keepers’. You all false fully believed to be doing their work, but you weren’t! It was all his! He was lying to you, to all of us, and… He… he offered us something. A way to… to stop the timeline from erupting into chaos. We thought he was lying, that the whole TVA was a lie, but… it wasn’t. It’s already happened, don’t you see? We killed him. We killed him, and it started all of this. And I did know you -- a different you. But now it’s all changed, and you… you’re not the you I know, anymore.”

The silence that stretches on between them is almost unbearable. Mobius still looked as calm as ever, quite the difference to Loki who had become worked up, leaning far enough across the table that it dug into his stomach, hands outstretched almost in pleading.

“Okay…” Mobius was the first to speak, picking up his pen once again. “You said ‘we’ a few times in there. Who’s ‘we?’”

Loki opened his mouth, ready to let her name roll off his tongue, but it remains frozen in place. He didn’t know where exactly this whole conversation would end. The very last thing he wanted to do was send another version of the TVA on a manhunt for Sylvie. Again.

“It doesn’t matter,” Loki said hurriedly. “You need to understand – your leader? He’s not the only one of himself. It’s all because of him, that this whole thing started.”

“You’re telling me that ‘He’ is just a variant?” Mobius’s voice was tense, clearly struggling to keep up his professionalism here. Loki could already tell he didn’t believe his story in the slightest – and he certainly didn’t appreciate Loki calling his leader a ‘variant’.

“It’s the whole reason he started this place,” Loki continued on anyway. “The other versions of him? All they want to do is conquer. They want to rule over every other timeline there is. And they won't stop. There will be all-out war, Mobius. Across all the different timelines.”

Mobius only nodded at him, his expression impossible to read as he reached back into his pocket again. The TemPad was back into his hands, and Loki’s vision filled with the memory of being trapped in that time-loop, reliving the same memory over and over again. Mobius tapped lazily at the screen, glancing up to Loki a few times, switching between the screen and him.

“Look, I get it; you don’t believe me,” Loki stretched forward, and Mobius immediately pulled himself away. “But just-,” Loki frantically gestured to the ugly little computer monitor sat in the middle of the desk. “Look me up! Look up my name, and you’ll see. You’ll find my file-,”

“I’ve already looked,” Mobius interrupted him. Something in his expression had changed. He was still guarded, still looked just as disbelieving as he did prior, but there was also… a general sense of uncertainty spread across his face. “Just now, I mean.”

“Right? And?”

“Well, it’s… it’s a strange thing…” Mobius uttered softly, stuffing the TemPad back into his pocket, staring at nothing as he found himself lost in his own thoughts. “You have no file, Loki.”

It felt like his heart had come to a sudden and abrupt stop. It… it wasn’t possible. How was that possible? Mobius had told him, hadn’t he? He was one of the most frequent, pain in the arse variants they had to deal with. And now… he wasn’t on their files?

In this timeline, did he… not exist?

“What?” Loki spluttered out.

“Mean’s that someones messed up their job,” Mobius says with a pinched expression, the chair screeching as he stands up from it. “Someone must have brought you in when they didn’t need to - took you from the timeline you were supposed to be on. No wonder you’re confused-,”

“I don’t-,”

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of this,” Mobius promised, scooping the clipboard up from the table. “We’ll find whichever Hunter brought you in, get you in front of the judge – they’ll make sure you get back to your timeline. You haven’t done anything wrong; there was probably just some kind of mix-up with the confusion of all these new branches and-,”

“DON'T YOU GET IT!” Loki shouted out to Mobius, one last desperate attempt to convince him. Mobius startled at the sudden yell, stopping any movements he was about to make. “This is because of me! If I was brought in by your workers from my timeline, then why the hell did I come wearing one of your TVA uniforms?! I even had the damn Variant jacket for crying out loud – that you gave me!”

“Calm down, you’re just confused-,”

“I can’t calm down! I… I need to go back. I need to go back to the edge of time, the end of the void, and fix this! I… I don’t even know how, but… I have to try. I have to.”

Loki hated the look Mobius was giving him right now. He much preferred the cocky, equally as manipulative interrogator he got from his Mobius. This Mobius was just looking at him with… with pity. Like he was saddened by the poor, pathetic Variant who was losing his mind.

“We will fix this, okay?” Mobius assured him, soft and quiet, and Loki felt close to ripping his hair out in frustration. He was already beginning to turn away from him, one foot in front as he moved towards the door. “We’ll get you home-,”

Mobius didn’t even see the movement as Loki lunged forward, turning around and looking on in disbelief as Loki grabbed hold of the end of the pruning stick sticking out from his suit jacket. Mobius scrambled to dig his TemPad out from his jacket, just waiting for the moment that the Variant in front of him would activate the pruning stick and prune him with it.

Only… his fingers still, frozen above the button on his TemPad as he sees Loki step away from him. There’s a look of both dread and utter determination on Loki's face as he activates the pruning stick and then – to both Mobius’s disbelief and horror – holds the pruning stick towards him, ready to self-prune.

Loki’s view shifts. One second he’s staring at Mobius’s shocked face, the stick in front of him held primed and ready. Then Mobius’s fingers slam down on the TemPad, and the world shifts around him. He’s suddenly right back where he was a second ago, stood right in front of Mobius. There’s not enough time to react, not expecting the shift in position, but Mobius was prepared. Grabbing hold of the stick once more, he yanks it back towards him whilst simultaneously shoving the hand holding the TemPad into Loki’s chest, sending him sprawling onto the floor.

Mobius holds the pruning stick close to his side, staring down at Loki in bewilderment at what just happened. Loki doesn’t even bother to get back up. He doesn’t even look at Mobius. He remains sitting on the floor, head hung low and eyes closed tight.

He was so very, very tired.

“What…” Is all Mobius can say at first, looking down to the weapon he held in his hands, and then back over to Loki. “You were… you were about to prune yourself…”

Loki doesn’t answer him. He didn’t see the point anymore.

“...Why?”

Loki just about glances up at Mobius. It wasn’t like he’d understand. “It’s the only way. I need to find her.”

Mobius still looked just as baffled – not that he could blame him. “What do you mean it’s the only way? And who the hell is her?”

Loki feels his jaw clenching involuntary, the pressure of it rumbling in his ears, teeth squeaking and creaking in protest. “Just… get it over with. You prune all the other damn variants anyway, so why not me? Prune me, throw me in a time loop again – I don’t care anymore.”

“Again? I hadn't even met you before 'till-,”

“PRUNE ME!” Loki yells from the floor, his voice sounding unnatural to even him as it echoes back towards him.

The fight drains out of him just as quick as it comes. Mobius still has that same damn pitiful look on his face, and he can't stand to look at it anymore. Loki drops his head into his hands, pushing his fingers through his hair and grabbing hold of clumps of it, yanking tight until he felt the sharp pain of it across his scalp.

“I’m not gonna prune you,” Mobius says so quietly, Loki nearly misses it. “Least, not till I figure out exactly what’s going on here. This could all still be a simple mistake-,”

“It’s not,” Loki interrupts dejectedly, his head still buried in his hands. “Not that it matters if I’m telling you the truth. No one seems to believe me when I tell it, anyway…”

The silence he gets in response is almost stifling. Enough time passes with nothing said in response that Loki pulls his head back up, only to be greeted by… nothing. The room was empty, and Mobius was nowhere in sight. He had somehow managed to sneak out of the room without making a noise.

Alone again.

* * *

He might have fallen asleep. He wasn’t sure. It certainly felt like he had drifted in and out of consciousness, but there’s a good chance he just found himself sinking in and out of his thoughts, instead. He had managed to move from the center of the room, but not far enough to get himself back up on the chair. He had found his way to the wall, finding some sense of comfort in the wall pressed against his back. A sense of… security.

‘Well, I never sit with my back to a door.’

The sounds of commotion from outside the door snap him out of his memories. He scrapes up what little energy he had left to look to the sound of pounding footsteps and muffled shouts getting closer and closer. Something was going down. It was only a matter of time before they stormed through that door, and-

Something shifts out of the corner of his eye. A dot, golden and gleaming, suspended in mid-air. He knows what it is before it even expands, jumping to his feet with a burst of energy he didn’t even know he had left. The time-door shimmers just in front of him, inviting him into the unknown beyond. The sounds of chaos from beyond the door had only grown more frantic, coming closer to the door with every second he remains standing in place

He makes up his mind.

Loki reaches forward, jumping through and into the time-door just as the physical door behind him slams open. He doesn’t even get a chance to see who was coming for him before he’s gone from the TVA.

Loki stumbles forward as he exits the time-door, his rushed entrance kicking up pools of water beneath his feet. There's a click, and suddenly his neck feels a whole lot lighter, the TVA collar around his neck falling into the soaked pavement below. He could barely see a thing past the rain pounding down on him, soaking every inch of his clothes in as little as a second. The howling wind around him seemed to bite into his skin, the raindrops feeling like small blades as they shot down against his body.

And yet, somehow, he knew. The moment he stepped into this place, the moment he felt the rain atop his skin, he knew. He had been here before.

Loki looks back to the time-door, waiting for the inevitable moment the TVA burst through it. But he only lays eyes on it for a few seconds more before it collapses in on itself, leaving him in nothing but the faint glow of the neon signs ahead.

And there, hidden within the shadows, was where he saw her. Sensed her. She was nothing more than a dark silhouette at this distance, watching him carefully from afar.

“Sylvie…” Loki whispers, mostly to himself, unable to be heard past the storm raging around them. The sense of relief, of pure joy that overtook him was something he had never known before. His feet are moving forward before he even realizes it, picking up in pace the closer he gets to her. And, miraculously, she was walking towards him, too.

The instinct of it was overwhelming. Every part of him screamed to get back to her, to be back by her side. He wanted, needed to know that she was okay. He wanted to grab hold of her, to hold her in his arms and-

He stops. So does she. Loki’s eyes fixate on the blade held limply in her hands, the dark liquid he sees coating its end steadily dripping onto the ground as the rain hits it. No doubt the blood of him, he knows. On that same hand he could see the TemPad secured snuggled around her hand, its few cracks of gold in its marble-like surface shining through the darkness.

She didn’t seem to be holding it like she planned on wielding it against him. They were close enough now for him to see her face in the glowing light of the supermarket’s signs. He knows full well that the droplets of water running down her face are not only because of the rain – mostly because he himself feels the burn of a few stray tears escaping his eyes.

It was all still so vivid in his mind: the sharp bite of her steel against his neck, her trembling arms underneath his hands as he begged her, a type of euphoria he’s never known as she closed the distance between them, foolishly sinking into the feeling of ‘rightness’ at the taste of her against his lips, eagerly chasing them as she tried to bring it to an end.

But the pain… oh, he vividly remembers that too – of the shock of feeling himself be flung back by her magic, unable to scramble back to the time-door in time before she had shut it – shut herself – from him. He didn’t know what to do with that pain. He was used to pain. Harnessed it, even. It was easy to let the pain turn to anger, to drive him towards his goal. But he had been drowning in this pain, one had never had to experience before. There was… nothing. The world had been sucked out from underneath him, everything that had started to make sense taken away, and he could do was nothing but… sit. Sit, and replay that moment over and over again. What could he have done differently? What did he do wrong?

What did he need to do for her to trust him as much as he had trusted her?

And worst of all... Why didn't he feel angry? He should be bitter, should be clinging onto that sting of betrayal. But it simply wasn't there. Not anymore. Not with her just a few paces away from him. He didn't care about what had happened, or what she had done to him. All he cared about was that she was here, and she was okay.

And that scared him more than anything.

Loki started forward again, closing the gap between them in just a few strides. It's of great relief that she doesn't push him away – or stab him if he's being honest – as he all but collides into her. He pulls her into him, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing her tight, pulling her close until she was all but engulfed into his chest.

"Sylvie," He breathes her name in relief, not even bothering to hide the tears that squeezed past his closed eyelids. "I was... I was terrified something might have happened, that you... Oh, thank the gods you're okay..."

Sylvie's arms have a weak grip around him, her entire body tense as she's pinned under his embrace. He pulls her away from him, holding her at arm's length as his eyes furiously scan across her face, as if to reassure himself that she was indeed okay.

“Seems we’re both a fan of the dramatics,” Loki can’t help but say, gesturing to the supermarket behind her with the smallest of smiles. “You’re not going to try and strangle me with a hoover again, are you?”

"Don't-," Sylvie starts, her voice clipped and strained. "Please, just... No jokes."

Lightning strikes somewhere nearby, a particularly large fork that he's half-convinced could only be conjured by his brother. The strike lights up the darkness that enveloped them, allowing him the briefest of glances of every detail of her face through the murky gray of the night. The twist of pain on her face is the first thing his mind notes. Yet, despite the pain, his chest still constricted tightly at the beauty of her that shone through. . He had never felt so torn, so overtaken by the need to comfort, battling against the sting he still feels at the reminder of their parting.

"Why here?" Loki asks her. Standing out in the pouring rain with an apocalypse-level hurricane looming nearby wasn't exactly the best place for a conversation. "Why did you take us back to where we met?"

Sylvie glances down at the TemPad on her wrist. "I don't know. I just knew I had to pick an apocalypse, and... This was the first one I thought of."

He nods at her answer, the movement getting a few soaked pieces of hair to plaster onto his face.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Sylvie suddenly snapped, and he found himself taken aback by the sudden hostility. "I know you want to. You... You have to be angry at me. Want to yell at me, say I told you so-,"

Loki could only blink down at her in surprise for a few moments, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly as he struggled to come up with a response. "I...what? Is that why you brought me here? For me to yell at you?"

"No-,"

"Then... Why did you bring me here?" Loki can't help but let a little bit of frustration slip through into his voice. "I thought that... That after what happened, this was it. That you were just...done with me. Didn't need me anymore. And now, I… What do you want from me?"

Sylvie flinches somewhat at his use of words, reminded of the night he had said those very words in this very place. Sylvie swallows harshly, looking away from him for a moment and to the ground. She shakes her head, holding her head high as she looks back to him. "I need you to tell me I did the right thing,” The confession comes out shakier than she probably intended to, judging by the flash of annoyance he sees on her face. “I did the right thing.”

Loki wasn’t too sure if she meant to say that as a statement, or a question. She certainly didn’t sound too sure of herself right now. “Would you believe me if that’s what I told you?”

The look she shot up at him made the weight in his stomach sink heavier. It was the same look she gave him when she thought he wanted the throne. He wanted nothing more for that look to be gone. “No. No, I suppose I wouldn’t.”

Loki sighed softly, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see her disappointed face anymore. He took a deep breath through his nose, taking a risk and reaching out, gently wrapping his hands around her upper arms. She didn’t immediately pull away, or smack his hands away, so he counted that as a success.

“You did the right thing-,” Loki began carefully. Sylvie frowned up at him, mouth partly open to point out that she had already said he wouldn’t believe him, but Loki carried on before she could get anything out. “-For you. And I get it, okay? I understand why you did it-,”

“No, you don’t-,” Sylvie spits out, one hand shooting up to grab hold of his hand on her arm. “You got to live most of your life. You had a chance to grow up in your home, with your family. You’ve only had to deal with the TVA for a few days; I’ve been up against them nearly my entire life. And it didn’t even matter! Everything I did, every attack I made against the TVA, was apparently supposed to happen! I had no free will! No one does but him! And I stopped it! I freed everyone!”

“Yes, you did,” Loki agrees with her, trying to keep his voice calm to temper the heat in hers. “And I’m not saying that that part of all this is a bad thing. People deserve to have their freedom, the decision to do whatever they want with their life.”

“Then why the hell did you try and stop me?” Sylvie asks, making an attempt to rip his hands off her. “If that’s the way you felt, why did you-,”

“Because I didn’t want you to make the same mistakes as I have!” Loki exclaims, fighting off her attempts at shaking him off, digging his fingers in, and giving her a slight shake. “Making that decision right then and there, after everything He told us… I could see it in your face, Sylvie. The hate you felt for that man, all that pent-up rage you had kept buried down, fueling you your entire life – that’s all you could focus on in that very moment. And I know what that feels like! And I know what that awful, all-encompassing regret feels like after. That’s why, Sylvie. I just wanted you to take a minute, a moment outside of all your emotions – and I know that’s easier said than done. I thought that… maybe you would trust me enough to at least listen. And… I don’t blame you for it, for everything you did back there. But I wanted… I wanted to do what I could to make sure you didn’t have to live with the same regrets I have.”

“Why?” Sylvie whispers, not trusting her voice enough to speak any louder than that. “Why do you care?”

“I wish I knew,” Loki says, chuckling despite the tears that continued to build in his eyes. “I’ve never felt this way. Not like… this. My whole life, I only ever focused on myself. Looked out for me. And now, for the first time in my life… that’s no longer the case. Now… all I care about is you.”

Sylvie gave him a strained smile, shaking her head slowly from side to side. “I am you, remember?”

The corner of Loki’s lips hitched up in the slightest of smiles – one he didn’t really mean. “Yes… except, you’re the one who said that I’m not you.”

Even Sylvie winced at the reminder of her last words to him. It was strangely reassuring to him that she looked pained at his pain. Surely, that must have meant she cared about him in some capacity, right?

“I meant what I said back there,” Loki let his hand slide down the soaked material of her sleeve, his hand coming to a stop at the base of her wrist. His thumb lightly brushes against her pulse-point, able to feel the pounding of her heart and the rush of blood around her body, same as his. “I wanted you to be okay, and when I thought of you killing Him, and the guilt you would have to carry if he was telling the truth, and we doomed infinite amounts of timelines? I knew you weren’t going to be okay.”

Sylvie could only look at him, taking in the earnest, pleading look he was giving her. She wanted nothing more than to believe him, to take that risk and fall straight into the undying trust he so easily seemed to have in her. But trust didn’t come easy. There had never been anyone else but herself to trust.

“But, if you had taken that moment?” Loki continued, catching her off guard. “If you had just talked to me, thought about it, and you still came to the decision you needed to kill him? If you thought that that was what was going to make you okay? Then I would have handed you the dagger myself.”

Sylvie could only shake her head at him, her fruitless attempts to keep her tears at bay infuriating her as she feels them slide down her face, mixing with the rain that quickly washed them off. “I couldn’t take that risk. He might have been telling the truth, or maybe he was lying just like the rest of them, and you were-,” A gasp catches in her throat as his hand slides further down, his fingers fitting perfectly between her own as he holds them in a comforting grip. “-You were supposed to be on my side. And then you weren’t. This whole time, every moment we spent, it felt like… like you had just thrown it all away. I knew that, with any other person, I should have killed you right then and there.”

Loki can’t fight back the shiver that ripples through his body, one he knows full well isn’t because of the chill of the storm around them. It had felt like his blood had run cold at her words, throat tightening painfully at the thought.

“But I couldn’t,” Sylvie admits to him, and it sounded like it pained her to do so. “Because you were saying all those things, and… and I believed you, because I felt it, too. I didn’t want to hurt you, and… and I wanted to be okay, too. I couldn’t kill you, but… I couldn’t let you stop me, either.”

The thunder from above is almost deafening, the power of it rumbling against the pavement underneath their feet. It was strangely comforting to hear. It reminded him of home, of family.

“And so you did it,” Loki states the obvious. “You did what you had set out to do. You killed He Who Remains.”

Sylvie nods, and the blank look in her eyes sends a dagger through his chest. This was a moment where she should have felt triumphant. If things had been different, they would not be here. Not like this. They would have been celebrating, felt accomplished at doing what was the right thing for once – not just for them, but for the entire Universe – and every other Universe out there that had been deemed unsuitable to exist by a single dictator.

But this wasn’t that moment.

“I saw Mobius.”

Loki feels himself freeze up involuntary at the name. He hated it. He hated that his memories of his friend had been tainted, now nothing more than… a stranger. Perhaps even a potential adversary in the near future…

“After I…” Sylvie trails off, swallowing harshly with a painful clench of her throat. “After I killed Him, I… I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel better. I... I couldn’t get you out of my head. I wondered if… maybe you were right, but I… I didn’t want to admit it to myself. Even when I managed to pick myself back up, and saw the space outside the citadel, within the void at the edge of time, and what I saw-,”

“What? What did you see?”

“It looked like stars…” Sylvie whispered, her eyes unfocused as she replayed the scene in her mind. “The timeline, all those branches… There were so many… And I should have been thinking about all those people in those timelines that would never have to live with the fear of taking a step out of line and finding themselves, their family, everything they ever knew taken from existence. But I didn’t. I thought about how many of him were out there. How many would be scrambling to get right back into that damn office to claim their throne once again…”

Her eyes came back into focus, swiveling up to meet his unwavering gaze. “And then I thought of you. I thought you would be safe in the TVA. Safe away from me. But once I saw all those branches, I realized that… I could have sent you anywhere. I might have just killed you myself.”

“You didn’t,” Loki rushes to assure her. “Granted, I’d much rather you hadn’t pushed me through that time-door in the first place. The fall quite hurt, actually-,”

“Loki,-”

“Right, no jokes. Sorry.”

The weary look on Sylvie's face is one he's seen many times before whenever people are subjected to the torture that is interacting with him. "When I made my way back, and you weren't there, I thought that I... That it might be too late."

Loki's lip hitch into a half-smile. "You seem to forget that I am capable of looking after myself."

Sylvie narrows her eyes at him, and it was enough for him to doubt any and all of his combat and survival skills. "Says the guy who planned on running towards a giant cloud that ate everything in its path and stabbing it."

"In my defense, that usually works."

"Oh really? So it worked on Thanos too, then?"

Loki placed a hand over a heart in mock hurt and... well, perhaps a little bit of hurt considering that's the only death of his where he was destined to die. "Now that's just cold, Sylvie."

He doesn't mind the hurt too much, though. Not when his over-the-top reaction pulls a small yet genuine smile out of Sylvie, one he finds himself mirroring without much of a thought. He knew that he wanted to do all he could to keep that smile on her face for the rest of their lives.

Oh, he really was in deep... When he finds his brother once more somewhere out within the multiverse – his version of his brother – he knows he's going to be set for days upon days of teasing and ridicule.

Or...witness the terror on his brother's face as he's confronted with two Loki's...

Their small carefree moment doesn't last long, though. The weight of the situation comes crashing back down on them, wiping the smile from Sylvie's face as quickly as it had come. "The TVA is... In shambles right now, which is what I always wanted, but... I saw that... that statue, of him, and I just knew, I... I knew it was all so much worse now."

"I take it that was you that caused all that commotion outside my door, then?"

Sylvie nodded her head, and Loki was surprised to see that pained look back on her face again. "It's because I tried talking to Mobius."

Loki grimaces at the reminder. The hurt of what had happened never seemed to lessen. "Yes, I... I might have made the same mistake."

"They seemed a tad bit preoccupied with everything going on, but... Mobius definitely seemed on edge."

"Well, it was twice in one day that someone he didn't know came up to him spouting nonsense and claiming they know him. I think he might be smart enough to realize something's not right."

"Considering the security that swarmed me, I'd say so," Sylvie huffs. "Quickly realized it wasn't a situation I was going to fight my way out of."

"How did you find me?" Loki asks.

"Mobius," Sylvie answers, and the guilt that crosses her features makes his stomach clench uncomfortably. "I... I had to take him hostage. Was the only way to stop their hunters from surrounding me. Opened up a time-door and just... dragged him through with me."

"Is he...?" Loki didn't even want to finish that sentence.

"He's okay," Sylvie's answer helps to loosen the knot in his stomach. "I enchanted him. He fought back a bit, but... I got through in the end. Found out where they were keeping you, and... Opened up another time door to get you out of there."

"And... What did you do with Mobius?"

"He's in a time-loop," Sylvie says, the smile on her face no way near malicious. "It's a good one. I think there was a jet ski?"

Loki huffs out a laugh of relief. "Good, that's... That's good."

"I told him, you know," Sylvie says, the serious tone to her voice catching his attention. "I told him the truth, about him being a variant. How everyone that works for the TVA is a variant."

"Did he believe you?" Loki asks.

"He already knew," Sylvie tells him, and it feels like another blow. "Whatever this version of the TVA is, and whatever version of Him rules it, it seems he was a bit more truthful with his workers than the last one," The frown on Sylvie's face deepens more and more with every word she speaks. "They just... don't care. They believe they were selected for a higher purpose – like it makes it okay they were ripped away from their lives."

"Ah... I suppose that might make it a bit more difficult to sway Mobius onto our side again," Loki says, his overwhelming feeling of dejection seeping into his voice.

Sylvie's eyes drop down to the ground, suddenly finding herself unable to meet Loki's gaze. Loki frowns as he notices her avoidance of him, craning his head down to try and meet her gaze once more, only to find her stubbornly focusing on a drenched piece of paper as it floated by. "Sylvie...?"

"Loki, I..." Sylvie starts, closing her eyes from the sight of what she could only describe as 'sad puppy eyes'. "I... I still don't know what to do."

"About... What?"

"Everything," She forces out. "I should feel accomplished now, shouldn't I? Satisfied, that I finally killed the man who took my life from me?"

Loki barely pushed down the urge to reach out for her again. He had a feeling she wouldn't take too kindly to physical attempts at comfort right now. "I take it that means you don't feel that way?"

"No," Sylvie whispers, and Loki could tell she hated to admit that. "I just felt... Empty. Because if he was telling the truth, and... And you were right? There's just gonna be a bunch more of Him out there. It feels like I've done nothing. Nothing but-,"

The sentence gets stuck in Sylvie's throat, forcing her mouth shut with an aggregated shake of her head. Loki lets his instincts guide him, taking a step towards her, arm outstretched ready to comfort. But then Sylvie takes a step away from him, just a small single step, but it feels like she's trying to put miles and miles of distance between them.

"What are you doing to me?" Sylvie gets out between clenched teeth, threading her fingers through her hair in a way that Loki knows he does when he's stressed.

"I... I don't know?" Loki said, sounding rather baffled by her exclamation. It wasn't exactly like he wanted to aggravate her further. Far from from it. Rather... there was something about the way his heart leaped up to his throat, wondering if whatever she said to him next would reignite that small spark of hope still burning in his chest, or extinguish it before it can fully catch aflame.

"This isn't – wasn't – who I am. I've never needed anyone in my life! This whole time, it's been only me. Me who kept me alive, me who's been carrying out this plan for years. And then I did it. I accomplished that, and... I didn't think about the victory I had earned. I didn't think of how I was finally free to live my life, make my decisions and know they're solely my own. All I could think about was you."

Loki froze in place. He didn't dare move, didn't even dare breathe. To say he was transfixed was an understatement. It seems he was wrong, in the end. She had found her own way to enchant him...

"I've never had... Companionship. I've never known what it's like to have someone by my side, someone who... Who understands. When I pushed you through that time door, I thought that I'd be okay. I'd been alone my whole life, I was used to it. But when I was sat there, alone in that office, and I wasn't okay. I was lonely, in a way I've never been before, and I didn't want to, but... I missed you. And... I wanted – needed – for you to be okay, too.

"Now, it's... it's all so complicated. After... After what I did, it's... I feel like I can't even trust myself anymore, let alone..." Sylvie trailed off, bowing her head down so Loki wouldn't see the tears that were ready to spill again. Not that he even needed to see them to know they were there. He could feel the pain radiating off her in waves as much as he could feel his own. "I'm sorry."

Loki nearly couldn't hear that last part. Whether that be because of the overwhelmingly strong blast of wind that knocked down the weather battered sign above the supermarket, or because she had purposefully uttered it so quiet like she didn't want him to hear it. He was fairly certain it was the first time he had heard her say those words to him.

They don't come very often from a Loki, that he knew for sure.

"I'm sorry, too,"

Sylvie nods her head, still bowed, her face pinched as she struggled to bury her emotions back down.

"You know, back in that interrogation room, I had time to think," Loki starts, giving her a sad smile in preparation for what he's about to say next. "I, um... I thought over that dagger metaphor I said before, and I think I've got something."

The confusion of what he's doing at least manages to distract Sylvie a little. She still eyes him with understandable caution as a burst of lime green light manifests a dagger into his hands, but the wary look in her eyes disappears almost immediately as he holds the dagger out for her to hold. She slowly reaches out, wrapping her hands around the thin handle and lifting it out of his grasp. She raises an eyebrow at him, eyes flickering between him and the new blade she held.

"Love... Is like a dagger," Loki couldn't help but smile, brought right back to that day on the train, with everything a little a lot dizzy, and warm, and nice.

"It's a weapon to be wielded far away, or up close," Loki continues, gesturing to the weapon in her hands, still pointed at him. "You can see yourself in it. It's beautiful... Until it makes you bleed. But ultimately, when you reach for it-"

Loki's hands shifted in a blur of movement, taking Sylvie by surprise. His hands had shot out to reach for the dagger, but not for the handle. Instead, he had wrapped his hands around the blade itself, the sharp edges of the weapon biting into the soft flesh of his palm. She jumped at the rapid movement, but found that – to her surprise – she had not responded by trying to move the weapon out of his reach. She had instead dropped the sword she held in her other hand, the clang of it hitting the concrete below echoing around the parking lot. Her now free hand had shot up in an attempt to stop him from cutting himself on the blade, looking up to him in utter bewilderment.

"You reach for it too quickly-," Loki didn't even wince at the sharp sting across his hand. He slowly pulled his hand away from the blade, suppressing a shiver at the feel of her hand partly covering his. He held his hand out to her, revealing the shallow cut as a thin stream of blood oozed from the newly opened wound. "-And you only end up hurting yourself."

For the most part, Loki had been expecting for Sylvie to call him an idiot for cutting his hand open. Which, while he had no doubt she was probably thinking that, wasn’t at all what she did. She shot him the tiniest of smiles, removing her hand – that of which she had used to try and stop him from doing said idiotic move – from the blade, revealing a slice in her own palm that mirrored his. “And more often than not, you both end up getting hurt.”

Sylvie could already see the blame Loki was placing on himself as he saw her wound, unable to fight back the bubble of warmth at the clear concern on his face as he took her hand in his, completely disregarding his own wound. There was another burst of light from his magic, and that bubble of warmth only grew at the sight of the bandages he had materialized. His hands were methodical yet oh so gentle as he applied the bandage around her hand, pressing his fingers into her palm tenderly once he was done, as if he wished he had the power to magic away her injuries.

“Probably should have done that after you bandaged yourself,” Sylvie says, biting back a smirk as she gestured with a pointed look of her eyes down to his handiwork, handing him his dagger back.

The dagger disappeared back to where he had manifested it from, glancing down to the bandage he had applied around her hand and seeing his own blood smeared across the once pristine white material. “Right… I wasn’t really thinking about that.”

She shook her head at him, though this time with nothing but fondness for the man in front of her as she slid the other piece of bandage he had left from his hand. Despite the fact that he had just done it for her, Loki still looked baffled as he watched her begin to bandage up his hand just as carefully as he had, like the thought of her returning the favor would have never crossed his mind.

Sylvie finished tying the knot to his bandage, giving his hand a soft pat as she does so. Her hand begins to slide away from his, and almost on instinct does Loki reach out to grab hold of hers once more. Her hand seems to fit in his like a mold, his thumb gently caressing across her knuckle whilst her thumb comes to a rest at the base of his wrist. Typically… touch wasn’t a thing she welcomes. Touch usually meant a tight grasp around her wrist, dragging her from her home. Touch usually meant the hard rack of knuckles across her jaw, or a swift kick of a boot to her ribs. Touch usually meant meaningless nights with no name strangers, trying to feel something other than the desire for revenge that kept her going, as worlds upon worlds came to an end.

But with Loki… touch was the feeling of his hand under hers, letting her make the first move as they stared out to the lake, waiting for their coming death. Touch was his back against hers, letting her know that he – quite literally – had her back, letting her know that she wouldn’t have to fight the TVA alone. Touch was his hands wrapped around her arms, the lightest of touches that told her that as much as he wanted to hold her, he would let go if she asked him. Touch was the first set of lips against her own that wasn’t one of end-of-the-world desperation, the first to make her heart pound against her ribcage as she pulled away from him, only for his lips to chase hers once again – and letting herself fall straight back into him.

“So, love is… something that can be twisted without meaning to. You might reach for it too quickly, and in doing so… you only end up hurting one another,” Loki broke her out of her thoughts. Sylvie’s eyes danced across his face as he spoke, though Loki’s stare was still fixated on her hand in his, and the wound he knew that lay just below his own, parallel with one another. “But… you can learn that, despite the pain…You can always find a way to heal. Together.”

His words were at least enough to pull another smile from her lips, which at the end of the day, seemed to be the only mission he wanted to succeed in. Sylvie took a deep breath in through her nose, returning his comforting squeeze on her hand with one of her own to prepare him for the coming blow.

“I still think it’s a stupid metaphor.”

The burst of laughter that escaped Loki seemed to catch them both off guard, as close to a snort as Sylvie thinks she’s ever heard from him.

“Well, to be fair, I was very drunk when I came up with it.”

“I thought you said you were ‘just very full’, not drunk?”

Loki’s mouth shifted into a rather comical ‘o’ shape as he tried to come up with a response, only to find that there simply wasn’t one he could use to defend himself.

“Okay, so maybe I was drunk-,”

Sylvie does snort at his answer. Loki huffs indigently, though the smile plastered on his face gives away the illusion of irritation. “Well, alright then, what’s your metaphor for love?”

This gets her to stop laughing. Loki hadn’t entirely been expecting for her to take his question seriously, but judging by the calculated look in her eyes as she looked into his, it was something she was giving considerate thought.

“Love…” Sylvie begins softly, the syllables of the word rolling off her tongue like she was testing the way it felt in her mouth. “Love is… a song sung to a crowded room that feels like it’s being sung to you, of words that remind you of home.”

Sylvie felt Loki’s grip on her hand tighten for just a moment, though she could tell he was being careful not to touch the tender wound on her palm. “Love is… lingering glances where you both don’t care to hide it, even as the world falls apart around you.”

Sylvie didn’t know if it was Loki that shuffled closer to her, or if she shuffled closer to him. Not that it mattered much. They always just seemed to be drawn to one another like magnets.

“Love is… knowing that you care about someone as much as you do yourself. And the terrifying realization that… you may just care more.” Sylvie’s voice quietened with every word she spoke, as if inviting Loki to move even closer on the excuse that he couldn’t hear her. “Love is… pretending to be cold – despite being frost giants –just to find an excuse to huddle close under a blanket; which, for the record, I’m still convinced is some kind of drapery you stole from a dining table.”

Loki tries to hide his bashful smile by bowing his head down, but it doesn’t escape Sylvie’s gaze. She placed her fingers under his chin, forcing his head up to look him straight in the eyes.

“Love isn’t a damn metaphor,” She whispered to him, savoring the sight of his Adams' apple bobbing as he swallowed nervously. “Love is whatever the hell we decide it to be.”

The gap between their mouths was so small that she barely had to lean forward, her entire body melting into his as their lips slotted together. His body had seemingly turned to putty under her hands, one of them sliding up his arm to rest on his shoulder, trying to pull him even closer until his body was flush against hers.

This one was different than the last. There was no painful tug in her chest in knowing she needed to turn him around, to get to the TemPad and get him out of the way without hurting him. She did not feel the wetness of his tears as they slid down to their joined lips, only the droplets of rain that ran down from the drenched strands of his hair.

She did feel that same curling, burning heat in the pit of her stomach, similar to the pleasant burn of her skin wherever his hands trailed, leaving a trail of goosebumps as they moved up the back of her neck, threading his fingers through her hair. She could feel his reluctance to end this any time her lips left his, even for a moment of air, as he quickly swooped back down to reclaim her lips. The feeling of his lips were feather soft, warm, yet with a firm and addicting pressure as they slid against hers. It wasn’t until she felt the swipe of his tongue across her lips, a pleasant invitation – an eager ask for permission – that she found herself separating from him with a shaky gasp for air. Her entire body seemed to be buzzing with the after-effects of adrenaline, taken aback by the sensation of her body trying to overtake her thoughts, screaming at her for more.

Loki’s chest heaves just as much as hers as he takes in deep gulps of air that their kiss had deprived them of, too busy with breathing in the alluring scent of each other to remember such a basic necessity. The rain still had yet to let up – which it wouldn’t, her oxygen-deprived brain reminded her – and she briefly wondered how many humans shacked up inside the supermarket behind them were watching them here, standing out in the pouring rain, kissing like--

Well… like the world was about to end.

Loki moves forward again, at first she thinks to re-initiate their kiss. Instead, she feels the comforting warmth of his forehead pressed against her own, and they both find their eyes sliding shut, any pent-up tension left in their bodies seemingly draining away. She could feel the warm puffs of air against her face every time he breathed out, his breathing matched with her own, and she had no doubt that if their breathing was matched, then the way her previously thumping heart was starting to slow down could only mean that their heartbeats were matching one another, too.

Loki’s hands had dropped down to wrap protectively around her waist, eyes still closed as he savored this moment of peace. Sylvie placed her hand delicately on his chest, though this time not to push him away. She felt the reassuring thud of his heartbeat beneath her hand, unable to suppress the satisfied smile that pulled at her lips at the way his heartbeat sped up as she dragged her fingers across his chest, curling her fingers underneath her palm.

“We will figure this out,” He whispers down to her. Her eyes flick up to meet his, believing his sincere gaze. “Truthfully… I don’t know where to start, either. I mean, I know you spent your whole life running from them, but…”

“The TVA,” Sylvie completed the sentence Loki was clearly reluctant to speak. “You want to go back?”

“Good God, no, not that one. But… But somewhere out there is the one we know, surely? The one that our Mobius was in the middle of transforming? A TVA made of variants that didn’t know they were variants – until now.”

“And should be rightfully pissed,” Sylvie guessed with a knowing smirk. “Maybe enough to get revenge?”

“Maybe,” Loki agreed, mirroring her grin. “And I’m sure they’ll be eager to meet the person who freed them from their controlling dictator.”

Sylvie’s smile wavered at that, poking the tip of her tongue out of her mouth to wet her lips – a nervous gesture from her he’s noticed every now and then, making him wonder if he does the same thing without knowing. “And created infinite amounts of that same controlling dictator, who was apparently the best version of him…”

Loki’s eyes softened at the sight of her guilt as it began to dig its claws into her. He knows too much of that guilt. He felt it too often, failed to fight off the way it tried to drag him down to that pit of self-doubt that took him eons to climb out by himself –more often than not because he refused the help of anyone that offered.

But Sylvie won’t have to fight her way out of this alone. He’ll make sure of it.

“An infinite amount of universes to search through, huh?” Loki wonders out loud, giving a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. “No problem.”

Sylvie rolled her eyes at his confidence, even if she knew he was greatly exaggerating it right now. “And I suppose that means an infinite amount of us are out there now, too?”

“And an infinite amount of our brother…”

“Wait, our brother?” Sylvie asked, head jerking back in surprise. “Thor is your brother?”

“Um, yes?” Loki frowned down at Sylvie, wondering what she was getting so caught up on. “Why, isn’t he yours?”

“Uh, she certainly isn’t my brother, no.”

Loki’s eyes widened as his mind caught up with what she was saying. “Oh…” He dragged out the syllable, looking out to the stars above in mock horror. “So your Thor is your… your sister?”

“Yep.”

Loki bent his head back with a bellow of genuine laughter, already picturing the glorious scenario of his brother meeting Sylvie’s version of him… Oh, what a sight would be to behold… Actually, the look on Thor’s face would probably be quite similar to the look on his face the moment Sylvie pulled the hood off her head and showed him her face for the very first time.

“Oh, we need to get them together as soon as possible,” Loki said gleefully. “Four of us together? We’d make quite the team.”

“Do you… do you really think she’s out there somewhere?” Sylvie asks, and the vulnerability he hears in her voice stops his laughter altogether. “I barely remember her, you know. After the TVA pruned my timeline, and… and everyone with it, I had to accept that I’d never see her again.”

“If what He Who Remains was telling the entire truth?” Loki says with a shrug of his head to the side. “Then anything’s possible now. Every possibility you can think of, every step that could have been different…”

“An infinite amount of butterfly effects,” Sylvie finished for him.

“It’s almost overwhelming, isn’t it?” Loki drawls with as much sarcasm as he can muster. “Perhaps we should… break it down step by step? First things first being to find Mobius-,”

“-And find the old but improved TVA,” Sylvie adds.

“-And see just how riled up and ready for revenge they are,” Loki agrees. “And… I suppose we should probably find some more powerful allies to help us…”

Sylvie raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief. “No offense, but do you even have any other allies?”

“Well… not exactly,” Loki said with a wince. “But I’ve been acquainted with a few… highly powerful individuals. Should probably go and find the versions of them that haven’t met us before, though…”

“Hmm, I imagine they’d be a bit more willing to help when you haven’t tried to claim leadership over their home?”

He probably shouldn’t have been too surprised that she was able to guess that.

“Something about all this still feels so… so strange,” Sylvie tells him.

“Yes, that’d be the feeling of the need to do the right thing for others, and not just yourself,” Loki says with a grimace. “Strange feeling, I know-,”

“Oh, piss off,” Sylvie cursed with a shove to his arm, though the smile on her face took out any venom from her words. “I wasn’t trying to kill the leader of the TVA just for myself, you know.”

“And now you get to do it all over again,” Loki said with a grin, gesturing to the TemPad on her wrist, that of which had already begun glowing with a faint golden light that streaked through its surface like bolts of lightning. “He’s the one that started all of this, right? Then it shouldn’t be too far out of the question that he’s the one that can end it.”

“He did say he’d be seeing me again soon,” Sylvie mumbled, sliding her fingers across the surface of the TemPad. A door sprung to life under her command, manifesting a portal to a dimension that… well, that of which they didn’t know. The second they stepped through that door, they’d be whisked away to a universe beyond their knowing – one that could be infinitely better than the one they were currently in, or one that could be much, much worse.

Their hands found each other once more, fingers sliding together like lock and key as they face the door together. Loki turns his head to face Sylvie the same time she does, matching shaky smiles of both nerves and anticipation on their faces.

“Ready for another adventure?” Loki asks, and the squeeze of her hand in his gives him all the answers he needs.

Whilst they didn’t know what would be waiting for them on the other side of the door, they had been certain that, as they stepped through the Time Door hand in hand and they disappeared out of sight as the warm glow of the portal faded, that the memory of what happened here would only belong to them as the wrath of nature let out her anger on the small town of Haven Hills, Alabama.

But what they didn’t know was that this wasn’t the Haven Hills they knew. This was the version of Haven Hills that didn’t find itself wiped off the map, miraculously avoiding the complete and utter destruction the hurricane was predicted to inflict. It was here, for years and years later, that the survivors that had taken shelter in the nearby Roxxcart would tell the stories of the mysterious strangers in the rain who seemingly appeared together from thin air, shrouded by a veil of golden light that came and went with their arrival and exit.

Rumors would be spread of these two people. As was such in the more religious southern state, the tale of these two strangers would be twisted into one of two angelic beings who had appeared in the glow of Heaven’s light with golden halo’s atop their head, the sheer sight of their loving embrace seemingly bringing God’s wrath to a stop.

There were many iterations of such a story, but there was one consistent detail that remained in every iteration of this timeline's story of them: that the two of them were heroes, who had risked their lives to save the lives of many.

And what else they didn’t know was that this was a story that would spread across multiple worlds, in multiple universes. A beacon of hope in even the dreariest of lands, the legend of these two saviors was one of whispered fantasy that wasn’t quite as much fantasy as some thought, the description of the two figures whose heads were adorned with angelic halo’s slowly changing to ones with protruding horns – no longer the devilish image that such a sight once brought.

These hushed stories would, over time, be reduced to one word. A single word, whispered out by those in the most dire of situations, as if praying to the only God they’ve ever known. This word, this name, would reach the ears of a single man, of every version of this one man, spanning across billions upon billions of timelines. And – despite never having have met the subjects of these stories – he would speak the name out loud to himself as if it were the name of an old friend, waiting for the day they try and stop his work and he gets to greet them personally. The two beings many people had promised would bring him down with their last, dying breath.

Loki.

Next Chapter - - ->

#sylki #sylki fanfiction #sylki fanfic #pro sylki #loki/sylvie #lovedagger #enchantricks

7 notes · View notes

castle-dimitrescu · 3 years

Text

About and Rules

🕯Greetings🕯

Muse bios

⚜ Name: Lady Alcina Dimitrescu (Prefers to be called Lady Dimitrescu by people she is not very close with)

⚜ Nicknames: Lady D, Alcina

⚜ Gender: Cis female (she/her/hers/herself)

⚜ Orientation: Bisexual Panromantic

⚜ Species: Human mutant, Vampire

⚜ Age: 98

⚜ Languages: Romanian, English, French, German, Dutch, Latin

⚜ Neurodiversity: Aspergers

⚜ Height: 9'6"

⚜ Text color: purple

⚜ Name: Karl Heisenberg

⚜ Gender: Cis male

⚜ Orientation: Androsexual homoromantic (identifies as a bear)

⚜ Species: Lycan

⚜ Age: 87

⚜ Languages: English, German, Romanian, Dutch

⚜ Height: 7'2"

⚜ Text color: blue

⚜ Name: Morrigan Dimitrescu

⚜ Verse: (NA)

⚜ Nicknames: Morri

⚜ Gender: Cis female (she/her/hers/herself)

⚜ Orientation: Demisexual panromantic

⚜ Species: Vampire, shapeshifter

⚜ Age: 22

⚜ Languages: Romanian, English

⚜ Neurodiversity: ASD

⚜ Height: 5'2"

⚜ Text color: pink

⚜ Face claim: Jenna Coleman

⚜ Misc: She is the daughter of Alcina and Fahmida. She can shapeshift into a wolf, a swarm of ravens, and even a raven-like monster at will. She has 7 pet ravens who are linked to her soul and act as messengers for the goddess Morri serves, also named Morrigan. She is constantly forced to hear all of the gods at once, acting as sort of a link between our world and the divine. This comes with its problems however, as the gods are constantly fighting for control over Morri's body.

⚜ Name: Aenghus Óg

⚜ Verse: (NA)

⚜ Nicknames: Gus, Aeng

⚜ Gender: Demimasc (he/his/him/himself, they/their/them/themself)

⚜ Orientation: Pansexual Panromantic

⚜ Species: Fae, shapeshifter, mortal god

⚜ Age: unknown

⚜ Languages: English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh

⚜ Neurodiversity: ADHD

⚜ Height: 6'1"

⚜ Text color: green

⚜ Face claim: Tom Hughes

⚜ Misc: He is the Celtic god of love, music, and youth. They are in a relationship with Morri and love her with every ounce of his being. They can cause people to fall in love by playing a certain melody on his harp. He's a chronic romantic and loves reading literature, playing music, serenading Morri, and encouraging Alcina and So'tsoh's relationship. He is very self conscious and can often be overdramatic but in the end all he wants to do is make people happy.

⚜ Name: Glycon Dimitrescu

⚜ Nicknames: Connie, Raptor

⚜ Verse: (to be revealed 👀)

⚜ Gender: nonbinary (they/them, he/him, she/her, preference for they and he)

⚜ Orientation: Aro Ace

⚜ Species: Tyrant

⚜ Age: --

⚜ Languages: Romanian, English, Dutch, Italian, Latin, Greek

⚜ Neurodiversity: ADHD, ASD

⚜ Height: 7'6"

⚜ Text color: orange

⚜ Face claim: Tilda Swinton

⚜ Misc: They have the ability to shapeshift into any snake or lizard as well as a velociraptor. They get their name from the Roman god of snakes named Glycon. He is vampiric like his mother Alcina and tries to act serious and sophisticated but will collapse into a heap of giggles at a fart joke. She's a goofball as you can imagine but they pretend they aren't.

RP rules

⚜ No sexual NSFW (mildly suggestive stuff like flirting is ok). Violence, gore, and other NSFW topics are ok but just stay away from anything explicitly sexual.

⚜ No bigotry (Racism, sexism, homophobia, you get the gist. Just be nice to people ffs)

⚜ Light flirting and banter is ok if you do not have a muse. My portrayal of Alcina is flirty, confident and overall relaxed when it comes to stuff like that (especially considering the whole internet is head-over-heels for her lol, I feel like she would be used to that stuff and even enjoy it a bit.)

⚜ No fetishizing any demographic (POC, LGBT, Neurodiverse, etc.)

⚜ I do not rp incest. Seriously, that’s nasty.

⚜ Do NOT nag me for faster replies. I have anxiety and depression and stuff like that really stresses me out. I work at my own pace so please respect that.

⚜ If you want to start a complex story with me, please send a summary of your idea to my DMs before you go sending me a starter ask.

⚜ I reserve the right to refuse any starters or asks if I so desire

⚜ I am open to crossovers but you must have a clear description of your muse either on your blog or send a description of them to my DMs. Always ask me in my DMs if I know who your muse is so there is no confusion.

About

⚜ My portrayal of Alcina tends to be pretty canon-divergent given the limited amount of information about her as of now. Please be mindful of this when rping with me.

⚜ Non-RP blogs are allowed to follow me

⚜ All of my muse’s romantic relationships are in separate verses.

Disclaimer: I'm very new to roleplaying like this so advice and patience are very much appreciated :) I am also very new to Resident Evil so forgive me if I make any mistakes regarding lore.

*This post is subject to change a lot as time goes on*

#literate rp #re8 #resident evil village #tall vampire lady #lady dimitrescu #rp #roleplay

28 notes · View notes

smooshjames · 4 years

Text

forget you not (ii)

your voice a serenade and it sings to my heart (or: concerts, closure, and an la sidewalk)

word count: just under 4k

a/n: part 2 of forget you not is here! again, i didn’t write any of the songs mentioned herein; all credit for the music in this story goes to little mix. links as always to the songs mentioned in this part: x, x, x, x. if you like what i do, consider buying me a coffee! it’s never obligatory but the support would certainly be appreciated. if you can’t/don’t want to donate, don’t worry about it!! i’m just grateful people take the time to read my work!

warnings: more angst teehee, an obscene amount of italic text

previous part: here

Your break seemed to pass in no time, and then it was time for mic check. You noted Courtney and Shayne sitting in the front row and wondered silently if God was punishing you for something you’d done. Maybe this was karma from a past life.

Doing your best not to look at him, and pushing down the absurd hope that he’d be looking back at you if you did, you went through mic check as quickly as possible and made your way back into the safety of the dressing room. With mic check done, the concert would begin in less than an hour, and you were starting to reconsider singing Towers. The front row of the arena was close enough to the stage that you’d be able to see him even with all the stage lights, and you weren’t sure you could sing the song if you had to actually look him in the eye while you did it. It was one thing to know he was in the room, another entirely to actually watch his reactions.

But Carly had already gotten Michelle to coordinate with the sound people and the backup dancers, and you didn’t want to have to force them to go back on all that. You couldn’t back out now.

That knowledge weighed on you up to the start of the show, and then you got your game face on. You had no time to dwell on Shayne once you were out of the dressing room, doing warmups as you made your way to the lift below the stage, performing your pre-show ritual which involved some call-and-response singing and a lot of hugs, and then getting into position on the lift which would bring you up from beneath the stage floor.

You could already hear the audience cheering and talking, and you felt your heart skip a beat at the sound of it. You counted out the beats in your head as the intro music started, the lights began to flash, the dancers got into place, and the lift began to rise.

“Make way for the G-O-double-D-E-S-S.” The mantra of your newest album, and the way you began your show. The band harmonized this phrase a few times before the song, and the concert, began in earnest.

It went well. You were right; you could just make out Shayne’s face even through all the stage lights. But for the first few songs, you were so occupied with remembering your choreography and making sure you sounded good that you could sort of forget he was there.

And then it was time for Towers, and your heart fell into your stomach.

“We’ve got a little bit of a treat for you tonight,” Alexis said. The audience quieted slightly as she spoke, obviously wanting to know what she was talking about. “We’re gonna take it back a little bit. We haven’t sung this live in quite some time, so forgive us if it’s a bit rusty.”

You heard the familiar drumbeat of Towers begin to play. The audience started screaming immediately, obviously recognizing the song right away, and you grinned despite your nerves. For the time being, you managed to keep your eyes off of Shayne. You focused instead on Carly as she began to sing the first verse of the song.

And then it was your verse, and you stared out at the sea of nondescript shapes that made up the majority of the audience; you could only see the first few rows before they became dark, vaguely person-shaped forms. “It’s a shame, you’re to blame, ‘cause once you owned my heart,” you sang. It sounded a little wobbly, but overall it was okay.

You made it through the first line of your verse before your eyes betrayed you. You couldn’t stop yourself any longer; you looked at Shayne.

He was staring directly at you. You couldn’t make out much of his expression, but it seemed… pained, like he was sad.

The sound died in your throat and you heard the audience murmur as you stopped singing. You looked from Shayne to the rest of the audience and then to Carly, who was nodding in an attempt to be encouraging. You took a deep, shuddery breath, frantically trying to get your shit together. You could hear the audience trying to help you by singing the lyrics you were missing, and you were vaguely aware of Alexis and Piper holding their microphones out to the crowd in encouragement, but everything was sort of blurry.

You kept your eyes locked on Carly. You would not look at Shayne. You couldn’t. You knew that he was hearing you, and that would just have to be enough. You opened your mouth to sing again.

“I still feel love when I see your face, but all these tears I can’t erase.” Luckily, you had only missed a couple of bars of the song and were able to pick up just about where you had left off. You hoped the audience would just chalk it up to what Alexis said before the song started; it had been a while since you’d sang Towers live. “Sorry heart, I’m sorry heart but we’ll have to start again.”

And then, like an angel from heaven on high, Piper began to sing. You had a momentary reprieve to collect yourself and take a deep breath. Since performing this song was so impromptu, there was no choreography for you to remember, nothing to think about as Piper sang her bit.

The second chorus was yours, and you weren’t sure what came over you but you looked at Shayne again as you began to sing and this time, you didn’t stop. You didn’t look away. Maybe it was all the pent-up emotion finally being released, or maybe it was just the energy in the room making you braver than you might’ve normally been, but you held his gaze through the chorus: “you never brought me flowers, never held me in my darkest hours. And you left it so late that my heart feels nothing, nothing in towers. Once we were made like towers. Everything could’ve been ours, but you left it too late, now my heart feels nothing, nothing at all.”

You felt a tear drip down your cheek as you sang, but you forced yourself to push through it. You were sure the audience had probably noticed the shaky quality of your voice by now.

You continued to look at Shayne while Alexis began singing the bridge. You thought you saw him reach up and wipe at his face like he was wiping away a tear, but that was probably a trick of the stage lights. It had to be. Why would he be crying?

As the final chorus began and Piper belted out her high notes, you watched him in sort of a daze. He reached up to swipe at his cheek again, and then he stood up and started walking toward the exit. You lost him in the crowd almost immediately.

If that was what closure was supposed to feel like, then closure was pretty fucking useless.

***

The evening air hit Shayne like a freight train as he stumbled out of the arena and into the night. He took in a gulp of air and wiped at the tears on his cheeks, letting out a pitiful noise of frustration and anguish. He sat on the edge of the sidewalk. He bowed his head between his knees, ran his hands through his hair, and tried to remember how to breathe.

It had been going alright, all things considered. He felt a little bit like he was getting the shit beat out of him as he watched you grind on backup dancers and sing about love and moving on and strength and how you didn’t need a man, but other than that he’d been having fun; the show was good, not just from a musical standpoint but from a technical standpoint as well. He could tell that you and your bandmates had put countless hours into learning dance routines on top of singing everything, which was really impressive. Costumes and special effects made the show feel complete.

And you had been utterly ethereal, silhouetted by stage lights and grinning as you walked around the stage like you owned it. It had seemed, for a while, that you were having the time of your life. That you’d forgotten he was even there.

Your bandmate -- Alexis or Piper, he couldn’t be positive which -- said you were doing an older song, and Courtney reached out to grab his forearm like she’d just won the lottery. When the intro started playing, she shot out of her seat to sing along. For the first few seconds, it was fine. Just another song.

When you started to sing, though, you looked at him, and he felt his heart ripped from his chest and stomped into the ground like it meant nothing. You seemed so sad, so angry, so accusatory. And you had every right to be, he knew.

But it was when you stopped singing, when you made that little sound that he knew meant you were about to cry, it was then that the room slowed and shrank around him. The air was punched out of his lungs and he couldn’t seem to get any more. He felt like his world had gone off-kilter, like he was careening at lightspeed into the sun.

You tore your eyes away from him and looked at Carly, who nodded at you. You seemed to find your voice again, and oh, it was like fire curling out from his ribs and up into his throat. He was utterly transfixed by you; he couldn’t look away even as one of your other bandmates began to sing.

“You never bought me flowers,” you sang, and you were looking at him again, all that sadness and fire behind your eyes. He felt his throat spasm around a sob, felt his eyes burn. “Never held me in my darkest hours.” God, you were right; he’d fucked up so monumentally. “And you left it so late that my heart feels nothing, nothing in towers.” This was when the tears started to fall.

The rest of your words were sort of a blur. All he could focus on was your eyes boring into his.

Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up and rushed out, and now here he was, close to hyperventilation on a gross LA sidewalk.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. It was Courtney asking where he’d gone, making sure he was okay. He typed back that he had just needed to get some air. He was grateful when she didn’t reply.

In all honesty, he wasn’t sure how long he sat on that sidewalk. He didn’t want to go back inside. He wasn’t sure if he could see you without dissolving into tears all over again. He wanted to go home; or, even better, he wanted to go to Damien’s and cry on his couch and eat ice cream until he couldn’t think straight. But he knew Courtney would be worried and disappointed if he left early, and she would push him for a reason, and he couldn’t tell her. This was her favorite band.

He didn’t want to change her opinion just because he was still pining over a relationship that ended years ago.

He sniffled, stood up, and dusted off his jeans. Before he went back inside, he sent Damien a text asking if he could come over after the concert. Damien’s answer came quickly; sure, he wasn’t busy. Shayne let out a sigh of relief and made his way back into the arena.

You didn’t look at him for the rest of the show.

***

Luckily, the concert ended sooner rather than later. You and your bandmates waved and called goodbyes as you disappeared beneath the stage floor. Shayne, anxious to get out of the arena, was out of his seat as soon as the house lights turned back on. He rocked up on the balls of his feet while Courtney gathered her stuff.

Once she was ready to go, Shayne began pushing through the crowds toward the exit. It took a while, but he finally managed to get out of the building with Courtney in tow.

“So, did you like it?” she asked as they walked back to their cars. Shayne stuffed his hands into his pockets and did his best not to look like a kicked puppy.

“Yeah, it was pretty good,” he said.

“I thought it was great. I was so surprised when they sang Towers; it’s one of my favorite songs by them. And they all sounded so great, too.”

Shayne tuned her out for most of the walk, too deep in his own feelings to give Courtney his full attention. Once they made it back to their cars, they hugged and went their separate ways.

He’d never been so anxious to get to Damien’s.

He was greeted, as usual, by the cats. They meowed up at him and twined around his legs, almost like they knew he was upset. He leaned down to scratch behind their ears. Damien shouted a greeting from the kitchen.

Shayne didn’t respond, just toed off his shoes and went to sit down on the couch. He leaned back against the throw pillows and closed his eyes for a while, lulled into a sort of trance by the sound of the sink running in the kitchen.

Shayne turned up on Damien’s doorstep with hunched shoulders and red-rimmed eyes. He reached for the doorknob and, as Damien had said he would, found it unlocked. Zelda and Freyja swarmed around his legs as he entered, purring and twining around him. He smiled softly down at them but didn’t stoop to pet them. He was pretty sure if he crouched to their level he wouldn’t be able to get back up; the exhaustion and sadness and disappointment in his system felt so intense, so bone-deep and pervasive, that he was fairly certain he might keel over unconscious any second.

He shuffled over to the couch and collapsed onto it, groaning into one of the throw pillows. He’d only been there for a minute or so when Damien emerged from the bathroom. Shayne heard his friend suck in a sharp inhale at the sight of him and realized that Damien probably hadn’t heard him come in. “Sorry,” he said, “didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine,” Damien replied. “I just didn’t realize you’d get here so fast. You want something to drink?”

Shayne thought for a second and then decided against it. “No,” he replied. “I’m not thirsty.”

Damien didn’t respond, though Shayne did hear his footsteps receding into the kitchen. He came back after a few seconds with a bottle of water. Once he had made himself comfortable on the couch and taken a long drag of said water, he peered at Shayne for a long moment. Shayne didn’t look back at him; he was fixated on a point off to Damien’s left, and he was only half-aware of his surroundings, anyway. He didn’t need to look at Damien’s face to know what he’d find there: confusion, disappointment, probably some anger.

“What happened?” Damien asked. That question was almost worse than the uncomfortable silence.

“I don’t know,” Shayne replied, and it wasn’t a lie. “I don’t… dude, I don’t fucking know. I panicked, I ended things, and she just… she just left. She didn’t even try to fight it.”

“Please tell me that’s not you trying to blame her for this,” Damien said, and Shayne could hear the anger creeping steadily further into his voice. He squeezed his eyes shut, scrubbed a hand over his face, and reached for the water bottle. He downed the rest of it and set it on the end table. With the water gone, he sat up and turned so that he could face Damien.

“I’m not. It’s my fault. I’m not stupid enough to try to deny that.”

“Well, you’re stupid enough to end a three-year relationship for no good goddamn reason, so at this point, I’m not a hundred percent sure where all of your brain cells have fucked off to.”

Shayne grimaced at the biting words as if Damien had taken a physical swing at him, unable to help the wounded sound that lodged itself in his throat. He didn’t try to fight it, though. Damien was right.

There was a moment of tense silence. Damien sighed and shook his head, and then his form softened; his shoulders relaxed and some of the ire left his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said. “That was harsh. I just… I’m just confused, dude. I thought you guys were happy. This is kind of coming out of nowhere.”

“The other day, we talked about getting married. And we both agreed that it was something we wanted.”

Damien’s brow furrowed. “Oh… kay?” he said slowly, sounding out each vowel. “That kind of proves my point, Shayne.”

“Today, I got home and she was sitting on the couch and she asked me how my day was and I panicked. Suddenly, it was just… too much. And I started talking before I could think about it. And from there it was like I was completely out of control, like I couldn’t shut myself up. The look on her face… that look is gonna haunt my fucking dreams. And by the time I realized what I had done, by the time I was about to get down on my knees and beg her to stay, she was gone.”

Another long few seconds of silence. Shayne realized with a start that he was crying. He took a shuddering breath and wiped at the tears on his cheeks.

“I’m scared, Dames,” he continued. “She didn’t fight it. She just… she just packed a bag and went. Maybe she wanted this, maybe she was waiting to tell me. Maybe she wasn’t happy. Maybe that’s why she didn’t fight.”

Damien looked at him like he had grown a second head. “You’re crazy, Shayne. She was… she is so utterly in love with you. Think about the shit you’ve gone through together. Do you honestly believe that she would’ve stuck around this long if she wasn’t happy with you?”

“I texted her after she left,” Shayne said. “Right before I texted you. I apologized and asked if we could talk more. She hasn’t responded.”

“Can you blame her?” Damien asked. Shayne shrugged feebly. “She’s probably with Carly right now. I’d bet any money Carly told her not to answer, and that’s probably for the best. Wait at least until tomorrow and give her a call. You both need a little time to calm down, but you can still fix this.”

Shayne nodded, but he knew deep down that it was done. You were done.

Shayne was startled out of his memories as, in the present, Damien sat down on the couch next to him. He opened his eyes and looked at his best friend, and he knew without having to see himself that he had the same expression as he’d had five years ago; shocked, distant, utterly devastated.

“You okay, man?” Damien asked. Shayne scrubbed his hand over his face and let out a long, frustrated sigh. “That bad?”

“You’ll never guess who I ran into today,” Shayne began. Damien didn’t say anything, just sort of cocked his head as a sign for Shayne to continue. “Y/N, of all people.”

Damien perked up at the mention of your name, but then shrank back down and made a sympathetic sound in the back of his throat. “Was she at the concert or something?”

“Oh, not only was she at the concert,” Shayne said. He surged upward so that he was sitting up straight, feeling a surge of frustration course through him. “No, she’s in the fucking band.”

Damien’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped into a sort of shocked “oh” shape. Shayne nodded and threw his hands in the air for emphasis.

“So not only am I caught completely off guard seeing her again during the photo op or whatever, but then I’ve gotta watch her for the whole concert. And she sang this song that I just --” his voice died in his throat as he remembered the look on your face, that same look from years ago, so wholeheartedly hurt.

“I’m sorry, Shayne,” Damien said. It was clear that he wasn’t sure what to do. “Do you wanna talk more or do you wanna take your mind off it?”

Shayne sighed again. “I think I just need a distraction. Let’s find a comedy special or something to watch.”

Damien nodded and turned the TV on, scrolling through Netflix until he found something they agreed upon. Shayne drifted in and out of sleep for a while, exhausted from the emotional whiplash of the day, before he finally passed out on Damien’s couch.

***

He woke up to a sharp pain in his neck and the smell of bacon frying in the kitchen.

“Morning,” Damien greeted him as he entered. “Figured I’d make some breakfast.”

Shayne nodded his thanks and went to the fridge for some water, and then he sat down on a stool at the breakfast counter. His phone was almost dead, but there was just enough power to make sure he hadn't missed anything important. He checked his texts, listened to a voicemail from his dentist’s office about an upcoming appointment, and then scrolled through his emails.

There was one in his work inbox which caught his eye; the filming schedule for the upcoming week. He clicked on the email and scrolled down until he got to the attached document. At the top, Monday, he and Damien would be filming a guest Try Not to Laugh. When his eyes scanned across the page to see who the guest was, his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.

There, written in clear, bold print, was the name of your band.

And Shayne’s lungs were caving in all over again.

#shayne topp x reader #shayne topp #eliza.txt #forget you not #part three will go up around wednesday!

97 notes · View notes