Talking to a Trans Child
I recently had the opportunity to have lunch with @nerdygaymormon and the LDS parents of a trans-masc child I have never met (let's call him Darwin). Darwin is over the age of 18, currently living at home, and dealing with a diagnosed mental illness that can be very serious. They know Darwin is trans because the grapevine exists and some preferred name/pronouns paperwork that was left out.
I'm heartened when parents want to learn more and support their children. They know they're imperfect, inexperienced and in need of answers. They seem to be waiting for him to come out fully so they can be even more supportive. One of their central questions was how to broach the transgender topic more directly. They want more communication with their child and are committed to supporting them.
I can definitely understand Darwin's desire to avoid a conversation about trans topics with parents. I had to talk with my parents about circumstances around my birth and certain intersex related items not too long ago, and I still couldn't bring myself to tell them I am trans! It's a really difficult and vulnerable area.
So I suggested the parents try something like this
"We love you and we support you. If you don't want to talk about your gender identity with us, that's ok. We love you no matter what. We just want to open the door and let you know we are ready when you are, because we don't want you thinking we would be unsupportive of you in any way. We love you and we're here for you."
There are probably better ways to say that. What I like about this path is the way it comes with assurances of support and love, let's their child know they are on team Darwin, preserves the child's autonomy, and provides the best possible reason for opening the door to a conversation: "we don't want you to think we don't support you"
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Thoughts on Queer People as part of the Eternal Family
That word "the" is important! In our church we usually speak of eternal families like there's a bunch of individual ones and we're hoping to turn our earthly family into one of them. But in LDS theology, we are all linked together to form the great family of God.
âFor we without them cannot be made perfect; neither can they without us be made perfect.â (D&C 128:18). Everyone talking about being exalted without their LGBTQ+ family members WONâT BE. Our theology is one of inclusion, expansion, and progress. Our work is not done. If same-gender couples and trans people arenât exalted, NO ONE will be. We cannot be pro-family and anti-LGBTQ+ at same time. 100% of LGBTQ+ people are from families and are part of God's eternal family.Â
Being a queer member of the LDS Church means I tense up a little every time I hear the word "family" spoken in church, but it shouldn't be that way. I try to remember that Jesus didn't create a single traditional family during His lifetime. He never performed a marriage. He didn't get married. He didn't have children. Instead, Jesus redefined family by constructing a chosen family. Jesus created a new way of doing family, one which could include everyone.
Unfortunately, this chosen family approach isn't the model of family emphasized in our church, which means all the goals in our church are designed for straight people, and that's not me so it feels like I will never measure up. Our church has a doctrinal gap about what happens to anyone in the afterlife who isn't in a man+woman marriage, including singles and queer people. I believe I'm included in God's plan, just not in the Church's version of God's plan.Â
Humans crave to love and be loved, to have companionship, we have a God-given sex drive (this is not meant to dismiss my aro/ace friends, I'm speaking in generalities). How cruel for people to be created this way and then told these things are not for us and we are to shut down these fundamental parts of who we are. We're to be miserable in this life for a shot a happiness after death. Does this sound like the plan of a loving God? Especially when everyone else is offered a win/win proposition to find happiness in this life and it will carry over to the other side.Â
I have a feeling that Latter-day Saints are going to be deeply surprised at who all makes it to the Celestial Kingdom, and at how loving our Heavenly Parents are, and how family structures & sealings are going to be far more inclusive than many currently believe. What I know is God is in charge, ultimately God will win. The Godly approach in attitude, whether itâs on matters of race, gender, or sexual orientation, God will win and we will be the one eternal family because thatâs the way Heâs designed it. We wonât be pushing others away and singling them out as âthem.â Itâll be âus.â In the interim, those of us who are deemed âthe other,â whatever the âotherâ is, need to recognize that God will win.Â
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found underneath a video about the queercoding of lego batman
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A lot of rhetoric in support of anti-trans legislation to restrict gender-affirming care talks about regret and detransitioning.
Some proportion of people experience regret for any medical procedure, from chemotherapy to orthopedic surgery. Nonetheless, we donât see a plethora of opinion pieces about the awful risks of hip replacements. Itâs inevitable that some percentage of people who transition will regret it; the real question is whether the medical care is beneficial on the wholeânot whether the occasional person later regrets a medical choice they made when younger.
In 2021, it was found that 13.1% of transgender people participating in the U.S. Transgender Survey reported detransitioning at some point in their lives.
The authors of this study are careful to note âthese experiences did not necessarily reflect regret regarding past gender affirmation.â Family and societal pressure are the driving forces that lead many people to detransition â not because people wake up and decide they're not actually trans. All those who took part in the survey still identified as trans, thus it's presumed that the detransitioning was temporary.
Transitioning and detransitioning is complex. You can stop taking hormones and still be trans. You can regret taking steps that alienate you from your family, even as you wish your family would accept you living how you want to live. You can even regret some aspects of a treatment (any kind of medical treatment) while being grateful for the knowledge you gained by trying it out.
Detransitioning doesn't equal regret. Regret doesnât always mean that people wish they hadnât transitioned, it just means that there are some parts of the story that they long to change.
Whatâs clear from this evidence is that the vast majority of people do not experience regret, however defined, after transitioning genders. The rate of regret is still better than other treatments which donât require national debates over their use, which really begs the question of why the health decisions of this group gets so much attention, and why so many people weigh in even though they have no medical or psychological training and aren't directly involved the treatment of transgender people.
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The study included a sample of the responses of the reasons by those who detransitioned at some point in their life. I think they are insightful.
External factors
âCaregiving reasons
âI was caring for my 80+ year old mother who had severe dementia, and it was just too confusing for her.â
âDifficult to blend in as identified gender
âI don't pass, even after FFS [facial feminization surgery] etc.â
âFinancial reasons
âUnable to afford HRT [hormone replacement therapy]â
âLack of support
âLack of trans community at the timeâ
âBack in 1997, virtually no one had heard of queergender people. I couldn't find a support system, and I couldn't figure out how to tell people what I was.â
âLegal reasons
âSocial services legal pressure regarding child custodyâ
âForced to by going to federal prison for two yearsâ
âFamily court orderâpart of custody awardâ
âMedical reasons
âBlood clotting from estrogenâ
âPain in binding large chestâ
âFertility reasons
âWe decided to have kids so [I] went back to testosterone long enough to bank sperm so we can do IVF [in vitro fertilization].â
âPressure from a medical health professional
âParents took me to a region with hostile doctors.â
âMedical supervisor at federal facility removed regional-approved treatment because I didn't fit his idea of âa gay man so gay [he] wants to be a woman so it's easier to sleep with menâ after I had identified as lesbian to him.â
âPressure from a mental health professional
âMental health professional told me I am not transgender and I thought I was just crazy.â
âIn those days you couldn't be diagnosed trans if you were also gay or lesbian.â
âPressure from a parent
âMoved home after college. Had to conform for parents.â
âI was facing being pulled out of school by my family.â
âPressure from the community or societal stigma
âWith the high level of transphobia that exist[s], life gets very lonely.â
âI live in a very conservative place and was afraid for my safety.â
âPressure from my employer
âThere are times when my current job requires me to present [as] female.â
âI had trouble getting a job
âI flip flopped genders because of needed employment.â
âMilitary-related reasons
âMilitary forced me to detransition while in service.â
âPressure from friends or roommates
âStaying with people I knew would harass meâ
âPressure from unspecified or nonparent family members
âVisiting conservative extended family for the holidaysâ
âI temporarily detransition during visits with my in laws.â
âPressure from religion or a religious counselor
âReligious pressure (Mormon)â
âPressure from religionâ
âPressure from school
âSchool staff harassed and abused me daily for my gender expression.â
âExclusion by Peers in School, No Mechanism for Getting Preferred Name on School Rostersâ
âPressure from a spouse or partner
âI began to really clearly identify as transgender ⊠but I realized it was pushing my marriage apart. At the time, I decided to try living as my assigned gender and set these feelings aside, but they kept cropping back up.â
âWanting to find a spouse or partner
âMy partner of 4 years and I split up and I felt that I would always be alone as a trans person.â
âDifficult to find lovers, datesâ
âSexual or physical assault
âTraumatized by corrective rape so reclosetedâ
âI have become frightened of the police since being sexually molested by an officer.â
âSports-related reasons
âPlaying competitive sportsâ
âTravel or relocation
âNorth Dakota is not a friendly place for anyone outside the gender binary. When I go back home, I butch up.â
âI was studying abroad in a country hostile to LGBTQ* people (Russia).â
âUnable to access gender-affirming hormones
âLiving in rural area, couldn't get hormonesâ
âI lost access to HRT and stopped passing.â
Internal factors
âPsychological reasons
âWasn't emotionally ready, I was scared of my identity.â
âTransition had to be put on hold due to mental health issues.â
âsuicide attemptâ
âUncertainty or doubt around gender
âUnsure of my exact gender identityâ
âThought I might have been wrong/confusedâ
âFluctuations in identity or desire
âMy gender feels complicated and changing all the time.â
âI enjoy having the ability to go back and forth between genders.â
Note: internal factors can be the result of external factors (e.g., self-doubt regarding one's gender identity in response to being persistently misgendered or rejected).
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hey, have you ever heard of rob gardner's lamb of god musical? my parents sung in our local production of it this year so i've been thinking about it
I am not familiar with the musical Lamb of God by Rob Gardner.
What about it is significant or meaningful to you?
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Author unknown:
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sorry but the mormons are cool as fuck for this one
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Itâs monumental. Heâs doing things for himself and not just for his relationship with Simon. That final look into the camera is him speaking directly to the audience saying: âTrust me, Iâm going to be fine. You can go.â
â EDVIN RYDING for The Daily Beast
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Malcolm X said this in regard to the Civil Rights Movement in the United States for African Americans. I think it's a useful way to think of progress and healing by institutions and people who have caused harm.
Does the LDS Church backing off of some of its past rhetoric about LGBTQ people count as progress while it still says nobody will be gay after they die and there won't be queers in heaven, and in this life church members aren't allowed to marry a loving partner of the same gender? Can we say we've entered the healing era if the LDS Church still fights for the right to discriminate against queer people in church and at BYU? Does the LDS Church recognize it holds the knife?
We're still working on getting the LDS Church to pull its knife out of the back of queer people. Healing is still many years away.
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How are you openly gay in one of the most openly homophobic institutions in America?
idk, I just am. Everyone knows I'm gay and I go to church and they don't kick me out.
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While it isn't part of evangelicalism, this also applies to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The word "gospel" means good news, and if what is being taught isn't good news for whole groups of people, then there's a problem.
Does LDS theology taught about queer people harm them? YES. Studies show Queer Mormons have a lower quality of life, high rates of depression, sexual identity crisis & internalized homophobia, and experience the symptoms of PTSD. Queer people also have high rates of anxiety, eating disorders, low self-esteem, and suicidality. It's no wonder most LGBTQ people leave the LDS Church as itâs detrimental to their mental health.
One of the beautiful LDS teachings is that "all truth may be circumscribed into one great whole." So as we learn truth, including scientific truths, it may require us to alter some of our beliefs.
I recently heard of a seminary teacher saying that being born gay is not doctrine and gay people saying they're born this way causes problems with LDS beliefs. Numerous studies show that sexual orientation isn't a choice, we ARE born this way. This truth, while proclaimed by queer people for a long time, was not studied and proven until the past few decades, and now that we know, we have to think of how this fits into the "great whole," and that includes adjusting "doctrine" and "beliefs" to incorporate this truth.
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