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generaleferri · 4 years

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I often read in comments that Gavin Reed is a plain character with little to no introspection and that he’s nothing more of a jerk.

While I totally agree on him not being a positive character throughout the game, I actually disagree with the idea he wasn’t given some deeper characterization.

Since dissecting characters’ minds and behaviours is one of my favourite pastimes, I tried to give it a go with Gavin, and these are the results.

I’m keeping this analysis shipping-free, since I only want to focus on Gavin’s actions and behaviours with the least possible emotional involvement.

This is going to be long, brace yourselves.

1. Body language and general behaviour All Gavin's dialogues make us perceive him as an arrogant and aggressive person, yet his body language (when Connor isn't there) is the one of an Introvert™️: his posture is closed, his arms always crossed and if he can he tends to lean on some element of the surrounding space (the wall in the interrogation room or the table in the break room).

If Gavin had no dialogue lines and we were to judge him solely by his "passive" behaviour, we would think him a somehow reserved character, probably not at ease with himself and with a low self-esteem.

When he talks, however, he instantly becomes aggressive and raises his voice, all behaviours taken to extreme that one would indeed expect from an insecure subject who does not want to show their flaws and insecurities. Gavin clearly exaggerates certain sides of his character in order to hide others.

Bonus: the fact he abandons his usual closed posture when he's around Connor -who is incidentally the only one we see having direct physical contact with Gavin- is interesting for two reasons.

First, we know Gavin doesn't think of him as a human being, so he feels less emotionally scrutinized by Connor. Second, he's so attracted to him (with "attracted to" meaning "irresistibly curious about") that he momentarily forgets he's constantly ashamed of himself and trying to censor his insecurities.

Connor makes Gavin show a certain kind of courage (sheer impulsiveness would be a more fitting way to put it) that he would not display in any other circumstances.

This, of course, doesn’t mean Gavin feels safe around Connor, since his aggressive attitude still shows an attempt at defending himself. In this particular scenario, Gavin doesn’t defend himself from judgement, but from someone he perceives as a competitor.

2. Unconscious process of acceptance

When he follows Connor just out of the Evidence Room, Gavin already knows the android has been removed from the case, and we can tell it for a very specific reason: Connor is ranked Detective and he has all rights to get into the Evidence Room and do his job, so Gavin would have no right to stop him doing so. Unless, of course, he already knows Connor is not officially a detective anymore and lost his right of access to the Evidence Room.

This leads to the thought that just as soon as Gavin found out Connor had been dismissed, the very first thing he thought/felt the urge to do was dropping everything he was actually doing to go chasing the android.

Now, I think at this moment Gavin had no real interest in/plan to kill Connor, and again I have two reasons to provide.

First, if he had rushed to kill him with no repercussions he could have just shot him right there in the corridor without any real need to go away and then come back all the way down to the Evidence Room. He could have just said Connor had gone deviant and was attempting to corrupt the evidence.

Second, he calls him "Connor". It’s the first time ever he calls him by name and it is very curious he does it to stop him before he leaves for good. Maybe, just for one moment, Gavin forgot he was having to do with an android and not with a real human being? Maybe the urgency to tell him something, anything, before he left for good was enough to let the name slip through his lips?

This, if we consider it as a sort of Freudian Lapsus, would imply that Gavin refers to Connor by name in other circumstances, meaning he actually talks about him with the other colleagues/people in general or that he simply thinks about Connor quite often and in his thoughts he addresses the android by name.

(Which shows however a certain -small yet existing- level of empathy and feeling for him. Not talking about romance here, it's more of a super tiny and irrational process of acceptance through the subconscious act of humanizing him, something Gavin will never be aware of if nobody points it out to him)

In addition to this, it’ curious how Gavin is basically the only one in the game (among the anti-android people, of course) who refers to Connor using he/him pronouns and not the neutral “it”.

3. Impulsiveness and learned behaviour

In this scene right out of the Evidence Room, if Connor acts all polite and submissive and says he's about to leave, Gavin looks sad disappointed.

Instead, if Connor acts snarky, we see Gavin being more or less calm until Connor mentions their "bromance", implying the existence -sarcastic or not is none of our business now- of a bond between them.

That's when Gavin loses it. He cannot hold his mess of emotions anymore and he draws his gun, but he immediately puts himself together.

We already said that plausibly Gavin already knows Connor is leaving and plausibly he's chasing him to unconsciously talk to him one last time.

With that line, Connor outs him shamelessly and Gavin feels suddenly exposed and without excuses to deny this indefinable yet existing bond, this inexplicable attraction he feels towards him.

That's why he reacts impulsively, and the impulse is to silence Connor before he can say something even more tragically true.

In the light of what we just said, it’s hard to define the following scene inside the Evidence Room.

If Gavin really wanted to kill Connor, as we said before, doing it in the corridor with the excuse Connor had gone deviant would have made sense, so again, why going away (after winking with both eyes or “jokingly” threatening him with the gun) and then coming back?

Still, Gavin actually attempted to kill Connor, so in the window of time between the “bromance” scene and the shooting scene, he must have had some sort of epiphany that made him make up his mind to kill Connor.

This, of all Gavin’s actions throughout the game, is the one that puzzles me the most.

According to my analysis up to now, the only reason I can think of is something very twisted and problematic in relation to Gavin’s way of thinking.

Since his very first appearance in the game, Gavin gave me the vibes of the classic homosexual character with internalised homophobia, but with androids.

Shipping or not, it is undeniable that Gavin is obsessed with Connor (first he tells him to stay away from him, then he doesn’t miss the chance to interact with him, he always makes sure to touch him somehow, he always tries to get his attention and that “since the first second I saw you”… really, Gavin? Are you that obsessed?)

If we add to it the fact that Gavin often unconsciously humanises Connor as we said before, it is highly likely that during that five minutes after the “bromance” scene his head and heart felt like a dumpster on fire: part of him wanted to hate Connor and rejoice of his departure, but the other part of him was strong enough to be clearly heard and didn’t wanted to let him go.

What I think is that probably Gavin realised Connor was right and there was a bond, he felt something for him. Again, I’m not speaking of romance, but of a general and undefined feeling. At this point, Gavin’s fear of admitting it was strong enough to make him take the worst possible decision: to remove the temptation once and for all from his path.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that Gavin is strongly coded as a negative character, but there are many clues that lead to an interesting interpretation of him.

It is plausible that he had a rough childhood, maybe he was bullied or he had a difficult family situation, but everything in Gavin points to a time previous to the game in which he had to learn how to defend himself, and now this learned behaviour sticks with him on many levels. This prompts to some chance for a redemption arc, even though I don’t think it’s the better way to define it.

Thing is, learned behaviours can actually be un-learned. It is a difficult and complicated path, often requiring specialised assistance, but it’s not impossible (and by the way I really think Gavin would need therapy). So, with the right circumstances and a lot of work, Gavin could actually become less of a jerk and maybe even a decent person.

This analysis is of course related only to Gavin’s behaviours around/towards Connor, but there are other things to be noticed regarding how Gavin deals with his colleagues and other people. But maybe I will save that for another post. ;)

#detroit become human #detroit become human meta #dbh #dbh meta #gavin reed #dbh gavin #detective gavin reed #detective reed #gavin reed meta #things i write #sort of #sorry guys this came out extra long

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lemonietrinket · 4 years

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Warnings: body insecurities (kept vague, but focusing around chest and stomach), general feelings of upset, tears, swearing (1x f**k) Yuta x Fem!Insecure!reader

~~~

“Hey love.”

Yuta’s voice brought you out of your book, quickly drawing your attention towards the opposite end of the sofa where he sat.

“Yeah baby?”

“I’m cold.” You watched as his hands, strong and tender, patted his thighs. “Come and sit here?”

You felt discomfort rise in your heart as you tried to dip yourself away from the request. “But I’m comfy here.”

His beautiful chestnut eyes were unwavering. You knew it was difficult to not collapse under his gaze, but normally you would put up a fight and try to look into them in return. Now, you couldn’t bear the feel of them staring into your soul—you didn’t want to admit to him what was down there.

“But you’ll be comfier on me,” he counters.

You knew he was right, and deep down you wanted to rest your full weight upon him and let yourself sink into his touch, but something always stopped you. Insecurities were powerful things after all. You knew you’d stayed silent for too long, and by now the time had passed to try and come up with an excuse, and so you opted to try and focus on the good and ignore the weight in the pit of your stomach.

Taking your time to place the bookmark between the pages, stalling so obviously that even you noticed it, you left your book and slunk across the cushions to where he sat.

Readying yourself to sit with your back to his chest, he stopped you. “Sit facing me?” He pouted shamelessly.

You did as he suggested, slightly concerned about how you couldn’t wipe the worry off your face and out of your mind. The pit grew in your stomach, twisting and turning, because it hurt to have your insecurities hold you back, for this to have been the first time you’d sat like this, even though you’d longed to ever since you started your relationship with the man of your dreams.

But that was where the problems were situated. You’d never had any problems with him holding you from behind pressed flush against his chest, or even entwined side to side. It was just the front.

“Love, are you ok?” Yuta’s voice was soft and careful as you sat upon his lap, your back rigid and your body leant away from him.

You nodded, pulling a smile as genuinely as you could. “Yeah!”

“But you’re not, are you?” Of course he saw through it all. “Why won’t you lay against me, love?”

You were stunned into silence. You’d spent so long ignoring the issue that you had no idea how to respond when it was finally, and inevitably, brought up.

Yuta’s hand reached up tentatively, careful to move only where you could see them, before resting against your cheek, his eyes searching for any signs of discomfort there. He caressed the skin he found there, touch delicate as if he was afraid to hurt you, as he continued, “Because even when I hug you, you pull away, a-and I’m worried that I’m going to one day place my hand where you don’t want it and hurt you, and...” he trailed off as he searched for the words.

You’d never seen him this serious, in fact you’d never heard him stutter. His features were hard set but creased, his eyes were darker but glistening. He was no longer playful, he was worried. He was scared something was wrong.

You meanwhile could not put any words into your own mouth. You sat with your hands clasped at your chest, willing the constriction in your throat to ebb away so you could regain control of yourself.

“Please, love, tell me what’s hurting you so I can help,” he pleaded, thumb drawing the tresses of your hair away from your face, “or if it’s my fault so I can stop, I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have, if I have.”

Your thoughts swarmed. He couldn’t be more wrong. It was you that had pushed him away physically this whole time, it was you that had not let his hands rest anywhere near your torso. You’d been so adamant yet hadn’t thought about the toll on him.

Tears spilled straight into his finger tips, and he calmly collected them, letting the outpour of your insecurities sink into his skin.

You took the deepest breath you could manage—you couldn’t blame yourself for it. Insecurities were a part of life, but that didn’t mean you had to let them rule it.

“It’s not your fault, Yuta, it’s not anything you’ve done, I promise you it’s not,” you explained as clearly as you could. Swallowing thickly, you willed yourself on, “It’s just that... I have these insecurities... I don’t like...” your hand vaguely gestured to your chest as you gave him a brave look, “you must know that this is hardly what people want. It’s hardly normal. Or cute. It’s not attractive, I’m not symmetrical—”

“No one is—”

“But I’m not small either, Yuta! Neither am I big! I fall between two stools and I don’t feel worthy of either appreciation and this just reminds me of it,” you sighed, biting the inside of your cheek, “I don’t want to push you away, but I hate the fact that I look the way I do. And there’s nothing I can do about it! I can’t wear my dream clothes because of it, I’m paranoid that people will notice because it’s right there, and I can’t help but just... not let you hold me there.”

You hadn’t noticed your eyes had fallen to look at the arm of the sofa, staring plainly at the black leather as his hand cradled your cheek. As you realised you owed him the courtesy of at least looking at him, you lifted your gaze only to find his eyes wet. He wasn’t crying, but there were signs of tears in the frames of his eyes. His beautiful, deep hazel eyes.

“Y/n, love, why didn’t you tell me sooner,” he said, his voice the quietest you’d ever heard, “I know one person’s words is not going to change years of worry and hurt but please listen to me when I tell you that I think you are beautiful. And that there is nothing wrong with you. And that you can still wear your dream clothes, and not fear that anyone will notice because they won’t—”

“Didn’t you?”

“Yes, but,” his voice was desperate, his other hand stroking your temple nearly frantically, “not in the way you would imagine, I only spotted the padding one time—the more important part here is that I don’t think any less of you. You’re still my love, you’re still gorgeous and you’re still the hilarious, insanely clever woman I fell in love with, and these things only make you more special to me.

“No one is ever the standard, and I would never expect you to be,” he slowed down, the frown in his features easing, “I just want to hold my girl like she wants to hold me. And if anyone tries to tell you any different then they can literally go and fuck themselves.”

You felt your defences crumple as your face melted, sobs wracking your body. Not out of pain this time, but rather out of his words. They’d what you’d been waiting for, for years, and the small irrational part of you had begun to swell and say they would never come. But there they were.

You sank into his chest, his arms wrapping around you protectively whilst you cried openly into his sweatshirt. No more pushing, no more hiding. You had nothing to fear; you could finally make your way along the road to recovery. It wouldn’t be an easy journey, and there would be times where you’d lose your way, but you weren’t alone, and that was a start.

~~~

AN: Is this entirely self indulgent? Yes. Was it necessary for my own mental health? Yes. Is it a problem many people face? Yes. Therefore it is here.

After seeing many fics on here focus around feeling worried about body insecurities, as someone who also has these insecurities I thought I’d add some emotional support to the mix too. Though this one focuses around something else, not just about being bigger than society’s standards (though kudos to all the fic writers who do offer emotional support around this topic, you’re amazing!) I hope it finds its home somewhere out there, as I can’t be the only one. I know I haven’t been specific to what it is, but, if you know, you know.

Anyway, everyone who doesn’t fit and conform to society’s standards, and are afraid that people will find you unnattractive and won’t want you, please stay strong!

I know I’m just some weird writer on tumblr but I promise that you are beautiful, you are valid and important and people will adore you for all of your quirks. It’s important to remember that you are more than your body too, and that is what people fall in love with in the end, so even if things seem hard, do not lose hope

There are nearly 8 billion people on this planet, there’s got to be at least one amazing one for you, and you’re going to be one amazing one to so many.

peace, Lemonie

Masterlist

#nct x reader #nct angst #nct 127 x reader #nct 127 angst #nct oneshot #insecurities #yuta x reader #yuta x reader angst #yuta angst #yuta x insecure!reader #yuta oneshot #yuta drabble #yuta x reader drabble #yuta x reader fluff #yuta insecure reader #nct insecure reader #yuta nct #yuta nct insecure reader #yuta drabble angst

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jeonggukingdom · 4 years

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splinters of love • day XXII [knj]

pairing ⟶ kim namjoon x fem!Reader

summary ⟶ a collection of drabbles (one for each day of April) based on prompts by an online prompts’ generator site. Specifically ⟶ • day XXII ↳ in which you get stuck on a Ferris wheel for thirty whole minutes and end up confessing your feelings for each other.

genre ⟶ fluff, a sprinkle of crack

rating ⟶ G

word count ⟶ 1.960 words

warnings ⟶ mentions of panic attacks, the rest is namjoon being a sweetheart and taehyung being a chaotic best friend.

series masterlist ⟶ here (links on mobile may not work, if you’re looking for all the works in this series, you can click on the “!splintersoflove” tag and you’ll find them all there!)

Altitude has never been your forte.

Hell, roller coasters have never been your forte in general but here you are, with your head tilted backwards as you stare up at the ferris wheel before you with a grim expression on your features.

When your colleagues suggested going to the themed park, you hadn’t given it enough thought. You just guessed it was going to be fun and silly, a way to forget about work for once and just be together without getting drunk as per usual.

So you had said yes but now, as your heart plummets in your chest at the idea of getting on the damn thing, you regret every single thing.

“Are you scared?” Taehyung’s voice reaches your ears, his tone rather sing-songy making your insides boil in annoyance. Of course, you are scared and he knows this perfectly well, the brat.

You and Taehyung have been friends since middle school and in all of those years of friendship, he has seen you on any type of attraction only once and boy, he will never forget. The screams, the tears… the puke that landed on his shoes when you finally set foot on the ground.

You glare towards him and he chuckles, shaking his head while looking at you with mirth shining in his black eyes. Oh, he is going to pay for all of this, including suggesting the night here in the first place.

Your body tenses immediately as the rest of your colleagues move forward in the line and you realise there is no escape now because you can’t exactly tell them you are an adult and scared of a stupid ferris wheel. Well, you could but then, you’d have to deal with the comments and little jabs and no, thank you.

With your insides twisted into a proper knot, you take the final steps and let yourself sink on the seat with a heavy sigh.

It takes exactly five seconds for Kim Namjoon to join you there, a little smile on his pretty lips as he eyes you suspiciously.

“Are you ok? You look kinda grey right now.”

You roll your eyes while nodding your head, huffing as he lets out a hearty laugh that may or may not make your heart feel all funny inside your chest.

“Mind if I join you?”

You motion to the seat next to you and as he sits close to you, you have to exert your entire strength to keep your features impassible. Taehyung has told you a thousand times that you have a terrible poker face but you think you’re doing a pretty good job, judging by the fact that Namjoon is not even looking at you questioningly right now.

Truth is, you’ve had a crush on the man for a good amount of months now and despite your friend’s invitation to just man up and tell him, you haven’t found the courage to do so.

So, you rejoice in the little things instead: a warm smile, a sudden glance your way, a soft whisper during a meeting, the brush of his shoulder against yours right about now.

The thought gathers heat across your face and you fold your hands, torture your fingers to focus your thoughts on anything else that isn’t him and how nice it feels to have him sitting so damn close to you.

A part of you starts wondering if Taehyung hasn’t planned the entire thing considering how he conveniently avoided sitting right next to you. Either that or he has recently developed a crush on Kim Jisoo—which knowing him wouldn’t even be that preposterous considering how often he believes to have “fallen in love” with a stranger across the street, or the new barista at your favourite café or whatever.

You involuntarily jump as the ferris wheel starts moving and Namjoon’s eyes fix immediately on you, realization finally dawning on him as he takes in your nervous stance, the panic in your eyes, the way your bottom lip is about to split under the strong grip of your teeth.

“Are you scared of height?” He asks. His voice is gentle, void of any mockery that you would have expected on anyone else’s mouth and your heart loses a beat. Of course, he is Kim Namjoon, after all.

“Yeah,” you breathe out and Namjoon tilts his head to the side, a little smile tagging on his lips at your meek response.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Everyone would have laughed at me,” you say as a pout forms on your lips making him chuckle while nodding his head a couple of times. He knows this to be true and you are grateful for his understanding, “Don’t tell anyone?” You ask then, making yourself small in front of him.

Namjoon finds this rather adorable but doesn’t dare say it, instead, he offers you a nod and then relaxes more into the seat, his eyes fixing on the beautiful scenery around you.

You try to do the same, you really do, but the moment the ferris wheel reaches its peak, you feel so nauseous it’s either looking away or taint his shoes with your dinner which, of course, you’d rather avoid.

So you close your eyes, pray the moment passes soon and you can get back on the ground and far away from this stupid contraption or any of them, for that matter.

You exhale as you feel the ferris wheel drop a little. That’s when you open your eyes and a small smile stretches on your lips but of course, things are never easy for you, are they?

So you open those eyes of yours, you dare a peek at the city before you and then… it stops.

It takes a few second for you to register the fact that you aren’t moving any longer but as it sinks in, all the blood drains from your features.

“Oh,” Namjoon utters next to you, looking around as he realises the same thing: you are stuck.

“No, no, no, this can’t be happening right now.”

You panic. Namjoon tries to calm you down with his words, tries to reason with you as you frantically look around, quiver in fear before him but all falls on deaf ears.

Your heart is too loud in your chest, beating way too fast, your breath is ragged and you are positive you are going to have a panic attack real soon.

“Hey, hey, look at me, look at me.”

His hands come to rest on your face and you stop moving, your eyes instantly fix inside his gaze as your thoughts come to a halt all of a sudden.

“There, ok, breathe for me now, in and out, come on.”

You follow his order by instinct but you’re still wheezing helplessly, your lips quivering in fear and panic and even though his gaze is filled with comprehension and worry, all you feel is guilt and shame for showing yourself like this to him. Of all people, it had to be him.

“Stay with me,” he says, his voice gentle as his thumbs start caressing your cheeks almost lovingly and honestly, in any other moment you’d be melting in the touch but right now you simply cannot focus, your mind reeling with thoughts that take you far away from Kim Namjoon.

“We are going to be ok, ________. Don’t worry, ok? I’m here with you.”

You try to focus on him, try to tune out everything else as he keeps bringing warmth to your face and incredibly, you feel yourself relax little by little until your ears aren’t ringing anymore and you can almost breathe comfortably.

“I’m sorry,” you whimper out, closing your eyes while wishing you could disappear into thin air right about now.

“No need for that.”

His smile is sweet and soft and the warmth coming from his gaze is suddenly too much to take, even more than being stuck on this stupid thing.

You are pretty sure it has been at least ten minutes now, more or less, and still, the damn thing gives no sign of coming back to life and you feel so damn complicated right now you don’t even know how to keep up with your own thoughts yourself.

Maybe it’s that fear of being stuck up here forever—as irrational as it may be—or maybe it’s the fear of ending up dead or just the situation you are stuck in under those beautiful stars with the city lights shining all around you. Maybe it’s a mixture of it all or you’ve just gone mad but, the words blurt out of your mouth before you can grasp them, push them back in and gulp them down to hide them deep inside of you as you normally would.

“I like you.”

Namjoon’s eyes turn big before you and as they do, you fully realise what you’ve just done.

Your hands fly to your lips to cover them, stop them from opening up ever again, even to apologise or take back what you just said. You do not trust yourself any longer, especially until you’re still up there with no meanings of escape.

“You… you mean as a friend or?”

There is something shining in Namjoon’s eyes but you can’t pinpoint it exactly, give it a name that would suggest you the proper answer to his question and so you stand perfectly still before him, lips closed and eyes big and full of terror.

He licks his lips, closes his eyes for a second and then exhales loudly, the hint of a blush forming on his cheeks.

“I… I fear that made my heart flutter a little too much so please tell me if you meant that or not before I do something stupid.”

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion, your mouth parting as your hands fall back on your lap while his release your face in favour of the seat and the tiny space between your bodies.

“What do you mean?” You whisper, your head spinning with possibilities, most of which seem so impossible to you it’s almost laughable.

Namjoon sighs before you, his eyes fixing on his own lap as he ponders over his response and you sit there, almost petrified not knowing what to expect exactly when he says it, so easily it almost feels like you’ve imagined it.

“I have this impossible urge to kiss you right now but I don’t even know if—”

The words die down in his mouth as you crush your lips onto his own, steal his breath away with the sensation of your fingers cradling his cheek, pulling him into you until he has no choice but to wrap his arms around you and deepen the kiss as he had imagined doing countless of times before this very night.

You kiss for minutes or an eternity, you don’t know because it impossibly feels like both but somewhere in between, the ferris wheel starts moving and you slowly begin your descent.

It is only when it stops and you hear someone clearing their throat that you come back to your senses, open your eyes and pull away from Namjoon’s inviting lips.

There, staring at you with the most annoying grin ever, stands Taehyung.

“You’re welcome,” he says, arching his eyebrows suggestively at the both of you before running away laughing like a maniac as you jump out of your seat to catch him and put an end to his life.

“Don’t hurt him too bad!” Comes Namjoon’s voice behind your back and you turn around to take in his rosy cheeks, his swollen lips and his shining eyes for a second before starting your chase once more. Well. You might just spare him after all.

#bangtanscenery #btsghostie #thekimlinenet #hyunglinenetwork #namjoon fluff #bts fluff #rm fluff #bts x reader #namjoon x reader #rm x reader #bts ff #bts scenario #bts imagine #!splintersoflove

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elyvorg · 4 years

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Misc. Luigi rambles (1 of ?): mostly LM1 edition

Luigi’s Mansion 3 is a great game that I thoroughly enjoyed, in large part thanks to the character animation on Luigi doing a fantastic job of getting across how scared he is all the time. That’s the main draw of a Luigi’s Mansion game, after all, right? (…No? Just me? I hope it’s not just me.)

Playing the game rekindled some of my Luigi Feelings from back in 2013, to the point that I decided to get some of those thoughts down in words now that I have a tumblr that exists for rambles like this. Said thoughts are actually mostly about Luigi’s Mansion 1 and are things I kept thinking about while eagerly waiting for the second game to come out. There’s also just some overthinking of Mario canon in general.

The deep backstory

So Mario is your typical perfect invincible hero who’s always eager for adventure and knows he can save the day, while Luigi is easily scared and lacks confidence and is rather emotionally dependent on Mario. They’re twins, but Mario is emphatically the “big brother” and Luigi the “little brother”, despite the fact that Luigi is physically taller, and also that he’s physically stronger than Mario in a lot of regards. He can jump higher, to name one example, and yet Mario’s always the one who’s famed for his jumping, as seen in the kinds of games where characters talk about this sort of thing, with nobody ever mentioning that actually Luigi’s an even better jumper than Mario, not even Luigi himself if he’s there.

This general gist of the bros’ contrasting personalities in spite of their relative physical ability actually happens to be perfectly set up by their backstory in Yoshi’s Island. In that game, they’re newborn babies (or as “newborn” as you can get when it happens via stork), but they’re evidently already self-aware to some degree based on the stuff Baby Mario is capable of, which I guess is just how babies work in this universe. And the game features Baby Mario going on an epic adventure with Yoshis to rescue his brother, while Baby Luigi is kidnapped and helpless to save himself, yet apparently has some kind of twin telepathy that lets him know his brother is coming to save him. So it’s only natural that Mario then grows up to be the heroic adventurous brother and Luigi the scared dependent brother, regardless of which of them is physically more capable. It makes an amazing amount of coherent character-writing sense as a backstory considering that this is, you know, Mario games.

(Plus, there’s also a Yoshi’s Island sequel on the DS, which, as far as I’m aware, features other babies the Yoshis can carry along with Baby Mario such as Baby Peach and Baby Wario… but Baby Luigi is still the damsel in distress who needs saving. It’s like the developers of that game knew they needed to keep Baby Luigi kidnapped and helpless because if he’d also got to have adventures with Yoshis as a baby then he would have gained confidence in himself after all, and clearly they couldn’t risk compromising the entire Mario canon like that.)

As far as I know, Luigi having an irrational fear of ghosts in particular doesn’t seem to be set up anywhere, alas. That’s probably just down to what I’ve noticed seems to be something of a Japanese writing trope to just give a character a deathly fear of ghosts, even though it usually doesn’t make any rational kind of sense to be so afraid of ghosts in particular (nor in Luigi’s case when there’s plenty of other types of dangerous beings in his world), simply as a shorthand to show that they’re a wuss. Which generally tends in the more complex cases to be rather disappointing lazy writing, but I don’t mind in this case because, A, it’s the Mario canon, it was never going to be that thought-out, and B, it means we get to have the Luigi’s Mansion games in which Luigi is constantly terrified throughout, and that’s obviously a good thing.

Humming

My favourite thing about the first Luigi’s Mansion game, something that it has going for it over the others even though the later two games are far better both in terms of gameplay and character animation on Luigi, is Luigi’s humming. Whenever Luigi is in a dark room that might have ghosts in and is not actively using his vacuum, he is constantly humming the same tune over and over. The best part of this is the three different humming tracks that the game uses depending on Luigi’s health, which get increasingly more desperate and terrified-sounding the more hurt he is. (Turns out Charles Martinet isn’t just here to do goofy Italian voices – he’s actually a really fantastic voice actor.) The lower-health ones especially really give the sense that Luigi isn’t humming this tune just because he feels like it, but rather because he’s desperately trying to keep himself going despite every instinct telling him to run away and never come here again. He does not stop humming, even though at lowest health he sounds so exhausted that he can barely manage to hum at all – yet he Just. Keeps. Forcing himself to hum that next note anyway no matter how brokenly off-key it is. It’s like he’s clinging to that as something to focus on and distract himself with, because without it he knows he’ll just fall apart. And he cannot afford to fall apart no matter what, not when he’s the only one who can save his big bro.

I say this is the one thing in the first game I like more than the second or third, but I’m not complaining that the second or third games don’t have this, because that kind of desperate constant survival-mantra humming wouldn’t make narrative sense in them. (Luigi does sometimes nervously hum the BGM in LM2, but only occasionally and only for short bursts, without different versions of it for different levels of health, so it doesn’t have nearly the same effect.) See, in the second and third games, Luigi’s done this before. He’s still scared, but beneath that, he knows that he’s capable of doing it again. As such, he doesn’t need such a desperate coping mechanism to keep himself going out of a fear that without it he’ll never make it to the end.

The tune that Luigi hums throughout the game is what I consider to simply be the Mansion’s theme (though I don’t know whether it’s officially called that or not). The mansion theme happens to be quite similar to E. Gadd’s theme, sharing a decent chunk of melody with it, to the point that I’ve seen multiple people not even realise they’re two different pieces and mistake one for the other. My headcanon for the similarity is this: E. Gadd’s theme was playing in-universe in some form the first time Luigi talked to him in his lab, to the point that it was stuck in Luigi’s head when he went back into the mansion. (This is very plausible, because E. Gadd’s theme explicitly does exist in-universe in the form of the GameBoy Horror ringtone.) So Luigi started humming it to himself to try and take his mind off his fear… except he only remembered some of how it went and filled in the blanks with his imagination. And because he was so scared, his imagination made the bits he filled in sound a lot more ominous and creepy in tone than the original tune was. If you listen to the differences between E. Gadd’s theme and the mansion theme, the parts which are unique to the mansion theme are the creepiest-sounding parts of the tune. In fact, as Luigi hums the mansion theme with the game’s instrumental backing, the only parts of the melody that the BGM actually plays are the parts that are unique to the mansion theme.

(You can also hear the ghosts faintly cackling along with the entire mansion theme in some places, but we can imagine that they started doing that after Luigi had created the rest of the melody and been humming it for a while, to try and unnerve him even more and make the humming less comforting for him.)

“M-M-Marioooo?”

Another fun thing which has increasingly desperate and terrified voice clips depending on Luigi’s health is him calling out Mario’s name. But something notable about this is that, even after the cutscene in which Luigi sees where Mario’s being held captive, the button which makes him call Mario’s name… still makes him call Mario’s name, even though Luigi now knows exactly where Mario is and that he won’t be getting a response.

Which, sure, is probably just because the game developers couldn’t be bothered to program it to change halfway through the game, but shush, it can make sense in-story too if you think about it. For the first half, Luigi was calling out for Mario because all he knew was that Mario was somewhere in the mansion, so there was always a chance he’d get a response. It was always possible that Mario could be just behind that next door, and then Luigi’d just have to do one more room before it’s over and they can leave and he’ll never have to go near another ghost again. But after having seen where Mario really is – held captive in some fancy underground altar room guarded by King Boo – Luigi would be getting the sinking realisation that he’s probably going to have to go through every other room in the mansion before he can get in there, isn’t he. Him continuing to call Mario’s name anyway after that point isn’t because he has the memory of a goldfish, but because he’s trying to trick himself back into the mindset he was in before he learned where Mario is, when his task didn’t seem quite as incredibly daunting because there was always the chance Mario was just behind the next door. He just has to do one more room, and then Mario’ll be there, right? Just one more room. Just one more note of the tune. Don’t think about the big picture and how impossibly terrifying it seems. Just keep going, one step at a time, no matter what. Luigi’s implicit coping mechanisms during this whole ordeal are delightful.

“What’s the holdup?”

Speaking of the point at which Luigi sees Mario through the bottom of the well, while you’re in the back garden where that well is, you can sometimes faintly hear Mario’s voice echoing out of the well, saying, “Hey, Luigi! What’s the holdup?”. Which seems on the surface like an absolute dick move, berating him for taking so long like the reason why isn’t obvious, making light of the struggle Luigi would be having here. But I refuse to believe that Mario would ever be a dick to his brother, especially not at a time like this where Luigi is his only hope of rescue and Mario has to know that his little bro’s got to be terrified and yet doing his best anyway.

It’s possible, especially at this point in the totally-strictly-defined Mario timeline in which he hasn’t really had any starring roles of his own yet, that Luigi has something of a complex about this kind of thing: always being considered the forgettable one of the pair, the backup option who’s really just dragging his superstar brother down. This is not, mind you, in a sense that makes Luigi resentful of his big bro for hogging the spotlight – Luigi is too pure and idolises Mario too much to ever feel that way, even deep down, and if anyone thinks otherwise they need to go and see the Dream’s Deep section of Mario and Luigi Dream Team. But perhaps Luigi gets kind of tired of people acting like he’s basically useless just because he’s not quite as super-amazing as his big bro definitely is.

So maybe hearing Mario apparently having that same opinion sparks the same feeling in Luigi that he always feels when he overhears those sorts of comments about himself, one of anger and indignation, that no, he’s more capable than that, he’ll show them. Why is Mario of all people saying this to him, now of all times? He’s doing his best, and he’s only taking so long because this is really hard! Holdup? What holdup? He’ll get through this, just you watch! …Which would be a mindset that might manage to distract Luigi from his fear, at least a little bit, and motivate him with something other than the terror of losing Mario if he fails.

One possibility for why Mario said this, then, is that he knows Luigi well enough to know that he’d have this reaction, and he said this with the deliberate intent of giving Luigi something to push him forward and take his mind off his fear.

…That was my headcanon about this line for the longest time, since sometime before 2013, even, and so I’m mentioning it here for posterity. But it only just now occurred to me that actually there’s a much simpler explanation. “What’s the holdup?” doesn’t actually have to be meant in a derogatory way; it could also just be meant as straightforward encouragement.

Getting to see a little of Mario’s behaviour towards Luigi in situations like these at the end of Luigi’s Mansion 3 made me realise that Mario’s just kind of like this in general. His way of helping Luigi through his fears isn’t to acknowledge the fear and reassure him, but to just jump on ahead while calling for Luigi to follow him, leading by example to inspire Luigi to try and be like him and keep pushing forward despite his fear. Mario acts like there’s nothing to be afraid of in the hope that it’ll help Luigi realise that there really is nothing to be afraid of, because they’re both superstar heroes who can save the day. After all, Mario has to know that Luigi’s really even stronger and more capable than him, and the only thing holding him back is his fear.

“What’s the holdup?” is the same kind of principle, even though Mario’s not able to lead by example in that situation. He’s making light of Luigi’s struggles only in the sense that he’s trying to help Luigi see as well that they’re not as big as he thinks they are. “What’s the holdup? There’s no need to be afraid, ‘cause you got-a this, bro! I believe in-a you!”

Anyway Mario and Luigi are adorable brothers and Luigi is the bravest of heroes.

#super mario bros #luigi's mansion #luigi's mansion 1 #luigi #mario #yoshi's island #friends #brothers #ramble #my buttons #character analysis #overthinking mario canon of all things #there may potentially be more rambles of this sort incoming #i have more luigi feelings than just these

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secondfromtheright · 4 years

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Fandom Racism

I’m not active on social media. But though I don’t use it, I do have this. I’m a terrible, unreliable tumblr user and I apologise for that (it took me way too many password tries to get back on here). I’d rather have been able to post something on my AO3 to any and all of my readers but my option is here instead.

I’m not a good person for this message – I am white, and I am not American. Seek black voices on this subject, please. I’m not tagging this because it’s really just aimed to anybody who already may still follow me on here. To use, but not overstep my lone social media platform. Because I can’t say nothing. I just can’t. You’ve all been so supportive and lovely to me in response to my fics and I’d like to think you’re all as decent in life to understand there are many things that we as white people do not and cannot understand regarding racism and that we need to do better.

So, this is aimed directly to my fandom readers – white fandom readers. From a white fandom writer. Some racism in fandom that I’m aware of, and I implore you all to become aware of too, if you aren’t already.

And again, please research black and brown voices on this matter. Voices that can speak to this so much more than mine, that can give better understanding, that can correct where I’m wrong, that can fill in what I’ve missed, that can communicate pain and hurt that I cannot know.

I get ‘ship and let ship’ and all, but there are major, glaring red flags that scream both personal and structural racism, conscious and unconscious, in fandom and ship conversation that should make you stop arguing, sit up and think about the shit you’re saying or reading.

This goes ten-fold for any fandom you are involved in that has a black love interest in canon that your ship and/or your fandom dismisses.

“They don’t have chemistry.”

Old ass racist trope that is about erasing romantic roles of people of colour. It perpetuates the idea that POC are not loveable, or desirable, especially to white people and especially in relationships (rather than just sex).

Anything that talks of black male characters as “evil” or “creepy” or “untrustworthy” or “weird” or “intimidating” or “aggressive” or “there’s just something I don’t like.”

It is continuing the 400+ year old bullshit premise that black men are dangerous – the ultimate justifying-white-fear-excuse to target and kill black man, then and now, because ‘they were a threat’.

When most of the ship verses ship debate is talk of tearing down a character of colour.

If someone is so confident in their white ship, why the need to tear down and hate another character? Keep it to your ship and only your ship. If the COC is a canonical love interest, especially one that existed before you started shipping your ship, question yourself and/or those shipping.

Black female characters criticised as “irrational” or “angry” or “manly” or “slut.” Or, consistently praised only as “badass” or “fierce” or “strong” or “sassy.”

These are all major examples of misogynoir tropes that strip black women of their humanity, boxing them into one of numerous roles that do not allow them to be multifaceted, feeling people.

ANY negative shit about black hair, especially natural, and especially of black female characters.

Just fucking don’t. Don’t say it, don’t encourage it, seriously side-eye anyone doing it. Whites have no idea what that experience is, nor the effects of generations of products that only appeal to white consumerism and define whiteness as the definition of ‘beauty’. It a low, racist belittling of someone.

When a character of colour has an insulting nickname within a fandom.

It dehumanises them. Actively and purposely. That simple. If you’ve never been involved or really aware of BLM protests or movement before, you must at least now recognise the chants of “Say their name.” Someone’s name matters, especially with history of slavery. Do not remove a black character’s name because you feel they threaten your ship. It reinforces white supremacy in even the most basic of society.

Any kind of discussion or mention that hopes for or encourages violence and hurt against black characters, including rooting for their death. Especially anything with a group, anything that involves dogs, anything that involves white people in power.

It’s the history of racism, it is about maintaining a white supremacist society and it retraumatises black audiences.

If you or a fandom member have multiple ships but not a one of them includes someone of colour.

Question that shit. Seriously. If there’s a banner on a tumblr or a YouTube with loads of videos that has a bunch of only white characters, ask yourself why. What are you watching? What are you reading? Are there leading black and brown characters, black and brown voices, in what you’re consuming?

Don’t let yourself fall into thinking white people get to decide the definition of racism. Don’t let yourself think you know everything, even if you know the full dysfunctional and dramatic history of your fandom.

Understand that words and phrasing used has a whole history, and context. All of it. Microaggressions, tropes, coded language, connotations, dog whistles. Understand that just because you may not have known the history, it is no less relevant, or prevalent in the real lives of people of colour. More so, the fact that you can go about your life ignorant to it is evidence of your – our – privilege. And on this one I’ll add, especially if you’re not American. Learn real history – both American and your own country’s part in racism and slavery. Fandoms are global – recognise who you are interacting with.

Fandoms are tricky, often toxic as shit on a multiple fronts, I get it. Not everything within fandoms with characters of colour is simplistically only about race, but a lot of it is and none of us live in a vacuum. Don’t act like we do. Everything we say and do has a whole load of history and context behind it and we don’t get to cherry-pick.

If you say (or want to say) any response to the noted conversational points that sounds like

“So I can’t have an opinion now?” “I’m not racist but…” “I know black people and they said something else.” “I don’t care about/see skin colour.” “I didn’t say anything about race.” “Why are you bringing race into it?” “It’s just hating white people.” “That’s just how the character is written.”

Stop.

And seriously challenge yourself to be better, to listen more, to question and learn the origins and hurt behind such phrasing and what you may really be putting out, even if you didn’t realise it.

Because all that instinct that makes you want to push back, that has you wanting to dismiss the criticism and shut down a conversation that makes you uncomfortable and drives you to defend yourself – that is your privilege screaming because suddenly you are not the centre of everything. White discomfort. You have to recognise that instinct, and move past it. It takes continuous work. You don’t have to be perfect on racial understanding overnight – and please don’t get so terrified at such a prospect to the point of closing up and shutting down and doing nothing – but we do all need understand more and do more than we currently think we do and are.

I’m not trying to shame people, or even guilt people (not yet, anyway). But as a white person, you – we – need to start taking more responsibility for what we involve ourselves in, and what we don’t stand against.

I don’t care how good you believe you are (and maybe you are) or how many people of colour are in your life. If you are a white, you have a privilege – we - have a privilege. And whether you seek it or not, whether you’re conscious of it or not, you – we – benefit from that privilege because it is embedded in every part of society that we live day to day. And we do so at the expense of black lives.

I encourage everyone to be as involved in the movement as possible, but if you can’t attend protests, if there are COVID 19 concerns, if you don’t have the resources to donate or be in physical presence, and if you are not in a position to call out your friends and family, please, for the love of god please, at least do it in fandom. It’s a social circle that as we know, can take up a lot of our lives and our interactions. Challenge your friends in fandom – challenge yourself, if any of those phrases are in a space in which you inhabit.

Learn.

It is not the responsibility of people of colour to educate whites who suddenly realise the extent of racism, or worse, that there’s structural racism at all. But you can educate yourself, and you need to. Read black and brown experiences, listen to black and brown activists and academics. Hell, even read white antiracist voices as well if that helps you understand. If numbers are better communicators for you, look at data, whether on wealth disparity, environmental disparity, health disparity, educational disparity, justice disparity. Listen, absorb, push past your white privilege instinct that makes you uncomfortable, be driven by empathy and compassion and instead learn.

Learn history, learn data, learn what a black family has to talk about that you don’t. Learn about white fear and white grievance and white comfort and white discomfort and why they cannot be placated to. Learn to understand many forms of racism, systemic and institutional, overt and casual, personal and interpersonal. Learn to understand what privilege looks in real life, from a missed job opportunity to fear of a whole community every time they leave the house. Learn the extreme examples as well as the subtle, daily embedded. Learn to recognise the tropes and language. Learn about collective grief and trauma. Learn the psychology of looting from generationally oppressed view. Learn about the generations of violence against non-violent protest. Learn their names.

And act.

As a white person, you – we – can never really understand, but we can do a lot to try to. And we can be part of changing things. And frankly, we have to be. Racism is a white people problem; one that projects onto people of colour.

And especially to those who consider themselves any kind of liberal, those who think they can recognise misogyny or ageism or homophobia and problematic behaviour elsewhere – you have to step up on racism. And you can’t stop at the examples of obvious lack of humanity that are impossible to miss - go deeper.

And I’m asking you to not dismiss any racist language and behaviour within fandom on the basis of “It’s just a character, it’s not real.” Media and the depiction of black and brown lives is too often the only real relation to black and brown lives that a white someone has. It is a huge part of reinforcing white supremacy in society – it always has been.

If fans of colour in your fandom are telling you something is offensive, something is hurtful, something is racist, listen to them. Allow yourself to be challenged, uncomfortable and corrected. Because Black Lives Matter.

Black Lives Matter.

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winx-canons · 5 years

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do you have headcanons for saladin trying to get helia to practice/learn magic? or just cute family headcanons in general? your helia headcanons are always the best!

Awwh, you’re so sweet! Gosh, my Helia headcanons are far from the best, but I’m glad you like them. Also, I’m sorry for the late reply!

I think I’m going to do a mix, so they'll be cute family headcanons and magic ones. I hope you enjoy this!

Magic headcanons:

- Teaching Helia magic was certainly an interesting time. Helia asks him when he comes back to Red Fountain for the second time, during his second year.

- While his own mom was a fairy, his aunt was a witch

- Helia is frighteningly similar to his aunt, who actually died at the young age of 19.

- Saladin is scared to teach him because what if he falls to the same demise?

- However, Helia’s mom talks to him about this irrational fear. Saladin hesitantly agrees

- Helia is actually really good at magic

- He’s pretty good at potions as they require being precise; something he’s good at

- However, his speciality resides in defense spells!

- He doesn’t like attacking spells, as Helia prefers using his strings to hold enemies back.

- He obviously uses this to impress Flora

- She finds it rather endearing that he can help her train, as well as the fact that he could help her make potions! They would teach each other everything

- Saladin is proud of the fact that he’s able to learn rather quickly

Family headcanons:

-Helia’s mother falls ill rather often, so he spends a lot of time with Saladin (The only sad one, I swear)

-Helia has stayed at Red Fountain as early as the age of 4.

-Helia is pretty close to both Faragonda and Griffin because of this! He used to sit in on their meetings, making doodle dementrations on the topics at hand.

-They would take these drawings very seriously, Saladin going as far as to use one during a school assembly

-He won’t admit it, but he views Faragonda and Griffin as co-grandmothers

The cool grandmas!

-Saladin catches 7 year old Helia talking to the air. Thinking it’s just an imaginary friend, he finds it rather cute

-One day, he asks about it and

-“Oh, who I was talking to? A lady named Aiko! She was telling me about… something about the company of light. She was nice. She says she misses you! Kind of weird for a stranger, but yeah.”

-Saladin, silently sobbing and holding his grandson “Oh? Why don’t you tell me more about it?” (Okay so i might have lied about that sad thing. oops)

-One time, Helia got lost in the forest! He was 9 years old

-Saladin hadn’t realised that he had slipped from where he had been watching him.

-Immediate panic ensues as he rushes to call the other teachers and headmasters about the missing child

-They find him eventually, near the swamp

-Saladin, sobbing: “Helia! Why did you leave premises??”

-Helia: “I saw a frog, and followed it! I.. It left and I had no idea where I was…”

-*Cut to the two crying, clinging to eachother as Griffin and Faragond give eachother exasperated smiles

-Griffin finds that Helia has a natural knack for drawing, and helps him develop his talent

-He’s closer to Griffin because she shows him the hidden passageways through cloud tower

-However, he still loves Faragonda! Those two talk about stories, myths and legends

-Helia was such a sweet child, so it comes as a surprise when he grows up to be such a rebellious preteen

-Suddenly, he doesn’t like hanging out with Saladin?

-He still talks to Faragonda and Griffin, but they have to push for him to hangout with them

-Suddenly, all these things that he had loved doing became.. Uncool? What was this??

-He has secret dates and sneaks out? Saladin is concerned because not his grandson!

-He gets a full scholarship to Red Fountain, but not because of relations

-It’s because he works really hard for it!

-However, he’s convinced it’s because of relations, and Saladin would be lying if he said that it didn’t play even a small factor

-Helia begins at Red Fountain at the early age of 14

(This is shown because Helia is his grandson and works hard for the early admission, but also because I wanted to cover up the plot hole in which

Helia was there a year before the Winx but is the same age)

-Once, Helia ended up being bullied during his first year of RF

-Helia is a small preteen! Saladin is concerned

-Saladin was concerned when he would be snappy and irritable towards him.

-Like yeah, he understood not hanging out with him, but him being rude?

Saladin pesters him until Helia finally yells at him, even throwing in a swear

-Saladin is astonished at his behavior, calling by his whole name and telling him to apologize on the spot

-Helia immediately starts crying and telling him about some jerk picking on him at school because he was smol

-Saladin gets instant flashback to when he was bullied for being short during his college years

-He tells him about this, and the two talk it out. Helia goes back to class with the resolve to solve this

-He still gets bullied for a bit but doesn’t like seeing Saladin angry

So he doesn’t tell him

-That dummy

-(I’ll have a story for that or mention it further in ASPFF)

-Helia has had short hair, and only really grows it out during his year at art school. Saladin is surprised to see him with long hair

-Helia, smiling when asked: “Well, I wanted to look like a certain role model of mine”

-Saladin almost cries

-When Helia returns, no longer is he rebellious and edgy. Saladin thinks that a year away has really helped him to grow. Helia goes to art school and realises what a jerk he’s been being

-He loves his grandfather a lot

-It took Helia a while to adjust to all of the boys, as his dorm had only been one other person in his first year

-Saladin notices how he seems rather overwhelmed at times because he doesn’t know how to deal with so many different characters at once

-Knowing such, he calls him down to his office and just has him relax

Sometimes, they’ll video call his mother together and they’ll have the longest chats

-Slowly, he starts to visit Saladin less and less and he gets concerned

-Until he realises this actually just means that Helia is growing to be comfortable around his group

-Saladin is proud of the growth his grandson has made

-Saladin has seen Helia have crushes before, but he can almost immediately tell that Flora is different

-He knows the girl is a good student, and very sweet. One could say her one character flaw would be the fact that she was painfully shy

-Of course, he found this out from Faragonda

-Helia blushes when she is mentioned, and although he tries to look serious, Saladin can see the ghost of a smile when she is there

-Saladin is happy when they end up together, though he relentlessly teases Helia about the fact that his response comprised of “I love you.. Too!” with a blow kiss

-Helia, embarrassed: “How do you even know that?”

-Saladin, having been told because Brandon and Sky had stuck around: “Instinct, son”

-Unrelated but he obviously tells the other headmasters, who in turn take their time to talk about how grown up he’s become

-Helia may not always admit it or show it, but he loves being at Red Fountain with his newfound friends and grandfather

-He does some dumb things over the course of his years at Red Fountain, such as punching a guy and getting expelled

-However, Saladin knows that he’s better than that, as they work out fine

-Helia may have his moments where he would rather be in solitude

-And Saladin may not always know what to say

But they indeed love each other very dearly, and wouldn’t change that for the world

#this post turned out to be a little long #oops!#winx #winx club #winx club helia #winx club saladin #winx club red fountain

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awkwardplantwrites · 4 years

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I haven’t written yet, but I do have a lot of ideas to go off now. unfortunately, a lot of involves re-writing stuff. on the one hand, I don’t want to be stuck on the same chapters, but on the other hand, I just Won’t be able to continue unless I add it in. I know a lot of people say “just write, don’t edit” but those aren’t the rules bc there is none and I can do what I want. (pls fix? no being stuck!!! only edit!)

here’s a long post about things I’m planning on adding, as well as headcanons about my own damn story because I’m stuck in fanfic mode forever.

lots of spoilers ahead!

a horse motif for Renato: I remember when namme-e made the posters, one had a horse on it, which I reckon is a common association with knights. so far there have been 2 horses (well, one is a Kelpie, but it’s a water horse shh. I also found out Northumbrian folk/where Llantry is based call them Brags!) and there will be more horses later in the story. they’re recurring anyway, so why not use it.

and upon looking at it’s symbolism, I realised that horses are very duty bound creatures, like Renato is to the people of Llantry, they symbolise war/battles - which can bring in memories of his dad, and in comparison to the first horse (which dies in chapter 5... some unintentional symbolism there) Isbeil the Kelpie is much more free and independant and they’re at the Fun part of the road trip, and the Nukelavee (even more dangerous than kelpies) later on will be wild/untamed right about when Renato’s emotions will be in turmoil... you see where I’m going with this :D :D other contenders for motifs include: hands, mirrors/reflections, his shield/armour, dragons. swords are more of a precision tool for magic than a weapon in this universe so that wouldn’t work as a motif.

a candy motif for Pepi: you thought I made him a candy merchant intentionally? no. not at all. except now it is. candy represents good memories, childhood, rewards, pleasure, reminds him of his dad’s business, responsibility in maintaining the business, his family, his lack of magic/inability to make candy, having to do Tammy’s chores for her, and just Tammy in general I guess.

in the beginning I remember him being enthusiastic about it (if he’s not I’ll add it in lol), singing about it and complaining about being “a candy delivery boy turned overworked squire” and even from that you can tell he already has a complicated relationship with candy. he can’t make it but he sells it and hates selling it but when he talks/sings about it it attracts people, especially children.. perhaps engaging his own inner child too... in chapter 3 Pepi mentioned he was down to two bags, which means he held onto them despite selling out the rest... representing that he’s still holding onto his past even though it’s in the past and gone... and one day he’ll run out and it won’t be in his control and he won’t be able to get any more unless he goes home... which means FACING HIS PAST. so I’m thinking, if he becomes more neutral to it that’ll show how he views his past more healthily? then eat fruit instead?? idk.

magic based on senses: kind of ATLA inspired, but with the 5 physical senses (and a spooky 6th). as I started writing this I realised I probably based their powers depending on which god chose them, for example Lidion is the god of protection, so Renato gets protection based powers. but y’know, I had another idea as I wrote this lmao, what if the regular civillians/people born with magic have sense based magic? not sure if it’s a little ambitious to have 2 entirely different sets of magic. maybe the god powers can be based on senses too. initially the magic was based entirely off of DND classes (Renato’s a paladin and Pepi’s a wild magic sorcerer) but I think I’ve found something more original haha. or perhaps I accidentally moved onto Greek god/Percy Jackson-esque powers. crap. research says scottish mythology is kinda like Greek myths anyway: that’s a win in my book.

changing Finlay from a floating crystal ball to a bird: introduced in chapter 2, and EVERYTIME I WRITE I FORGET ABOUT FINLAY. it’s like a personal meme at this point. so anyway I took a “what core type are you quiz” a while back and Pepi got adventurecore after I chose bird as his inner animal. making this change will make sense because a) Pepi can talk to animals and this will foreshadow it, b) he likes music and this might be his magic type..? c) Disney needs a mascot character if they’re going to make FM a movie

I just read some bird symbolism and GOD I want to make Finlay a chicken, since it symbolises finding inner power, getting over fear and also it’s very funny to me. or a duck since that symbolises decisiveness and leaving the past in the past. see there’s a lot of things I can do here. but is there such a thing as having too many motifs? I just read that you CAN have more than one, so yes, Finlay will now become a duck. 15 year old/duck obsessed me would be very happy.

empahsizing the illness: plural illnesses actually. Llantry’s illness is actually depression - which they didn’t know bc this is set around the 15th century and the gods forgot to tell them about it or something - caused by overusing their magic, the death of Renato’s dad (public morale figure), poverty, and y’know the middle ages in general. I feel like Renato’s way too upbeat, especially in chapter 4 when they’re running away from the Wakefield Knights. before now I was trying to weave in mood swings which would affect his behaviour and therefore the story. admittedly it’s very difficult, as what they’re doing generally requires a lot of energy and the tone is usually light. someone suggested having his depression be worse when the situation is worse, which I probably will do, but I still feel he could be more low-key. I really, really didn’t want to use the “happy and sad duo” trope, I wanted them to be more or less equal in demeanour. though if I want to portray his depression and distinguish them both it’ll have to be exaggerated I suppose.

the second illness, Pepi’s anxiety. or well, it was initially anxiety but it’s starting to look more like OCD (that’s self projection for ya). some of my readers already figured out he can do magic, however it’s not that he doesn’t realise it. he casts spells in his sleep and thinks it’s his “evil self” (that idea is still TBC), and he sneaks off in the morning because he remembers sleepwalking and cleans up his mess. and to avoid making it look like schizophrenia, I’m planning to write it so it’s obvious he’s just very in denial about being able to do magic, because later it’s revealed he’s scared to use magic, because he doesn’t want to end up like his sister who became possessed by an evil being and abused magic, which for him is both a rational and irrational fear. avoiding magic could be considered a compulsion since he has intrusive thoughts about becoming evil.

so I did already plan for him to gradually get more restless and uneasy, he’s supposed to be seem energetic bc he runs solely on anxiety. in my head I was thinking of quirks, and realized him hoarding stuff in his pockets “in case he needs it later” and his insane amount of GUILT, and all that felt pretty OCD. so why not: he’s got OCD. possibly PTSD too.

the idea for Finding Magic began as “magic takes part of your soul, 2 wizards search for help as their magic stops working”. I still have the exact post it note I wrote the first idea on. for this story I have 2 countries, 13 semi-developed towns, over 30 characters. (yes, not Tolkien numbers, but I’m not Writers George) and the reason I wasn’t able to write about ANY of them for the past 2 months is because my brain spirals and ruminates over miniscule details that readers will never know. also because I lost passion, was too tired to develop characters I needed to develop the story to finish the first draft... but now that the passion is back: I’m writing this at 5am, which is reminiscent of the first day I came up with FM, back then called Journey to Magic, where I couldn’t sleep since I was bursting with ideas.

I guess this is what I find fun, analysing and improving and brainstorming. so while I might not have chapters written down, they’re pretty damn clear in my head and as you can see, I can talk up a storm about my story despite it not existing :D

#writeblr #writblr #writing #fantasy #amwriting #fm tag #im a big fan of symbolism that'll be lost on most readers #awkwardplantwrites #oc: pepi #oc: renato #the plant speaks

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theacidvats · 5 years

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Anxious and Depressed? Go Figure.

((A quick Trigger Warning at the top here. I am discussing my anxiety and depression here, and I get into some pretty dark territory. While I don’t do it directly, I do bring up self-harm and suicidal thoughts. If this could cause you harm in any way, please scroll on past. You don’t need that, and you don’t deserve that. Thank you.))

So I’m writing a book of horror short stories. It’s going to be relatively small, but I want to complete it, if only to say I have written something book length, and that I’ve published it. It’s fun telling stories I want to tell, and it definitely comes with challenges. I’ve run into challenges I’ve read about in every “how to write gud” book, and there are things I’ve come across that I didn’t expect. They’re fun to analyse, adapt to, and overcome.

Most of them are.

The challenges that aren’t fun to overcome are the ones that I’m faced with every day, no matter what I’m doing. Depression, anxiety, impostor syndrome, and all the twisted little disguises each of them don in order to slip past the guards and attack my inner sanctum. I’ve started to think that someone’s paying the guards off. Maybe there are plants, corruption in the force that’s meant to protect my smooshy, terrified brain.

Anxiety is my greatest foe, and it’s grown so strong in the past few years. Really since watching my stepmother pass away due to breast cancer. It rocked my world so incredibly. She was a force of nature who seemed unconquerable, and something invisible took her away. Less than a year after that, my step sister took her own life, who had brain cancer as a child, and severe diabetes later in her life, along with a host of medical problems that came with both of those conditions. Physically she was such a frail individual. But she held out longer than I think I ever could have in her situation.

Since then, I went through a phase of judging people for freaking out about nothing, to freaking out about nothing myself.

It feeds, and it grows, and evolves the more you let it. Not like a cute thing like a Pokemon, but like... Tetsuo from Akira. That’s quite accurate, the more I think about it. Like, room-spinning terror, harming those around you who you love, lashing out at strangers, a brief period of overconfidence, followed by a complete overload and subsequent breakdown. All of that is followed by an uncertain peace that resembles a rebirth.

Yeah, like that, but... daily. Sometimes that character arc takes a few days to resolve, sometimes a few weeks. But it’s always there. It has good days, and bad weeks. But it is always around.

There are times I can get a bead on it, shed a spotlight on it because I recognise what’s going on. Those moments are occurring more often now. It helps, but it has also unveiled something that makes it even more sinister.

These are the times when I can recognise it when it rears its ugly head, but it still can do what it does. It still can set me vibrating like a chihuahua, and feeling about as small and vulnerable. Have you ever been on a roller coaster, or fallen down the stairs, and for a little while afterwards, you feel weak, and your whole body feels like a live wire, humming with electricity? It’s like that but sometimes for days, and you also have to carry on like nothing’s happening.

And all the while, your brain is telling you all the worst things you can think of:

You’re a burden on the people you love.

You’re lazy, so you’ll never accomplish a thing.

Nobody wants to be around you, they’re just being nice.

You’re incredibly selfish, and it’s hurting the people you care about.

Those evil mantras I can usually shake off, because of the amazing support system I have. The people I love and care about are amazing. My family are so caring and kind. My girlfriend is absolutely the best. She is anathema to so much of my anxiety. She’s that superhero who shows up and knocks the villain into the horizon. She’s Arwen, when the Witch King’s blade is seeking my heart, and her very presence cuts the gloom (And yeah I know it’s Glorfindel in the books, but my girlfriend’s Arwen.)

For me though, my anxiety’s most powerful “Final Form” is Impostor Syndrome. It’s the voice that tells me that nothing is good, that I’ve earned nothing good, that I don’t have the right to enjoy myself, because I’m not good enough. For any of it. I am inferior, I am not worthy, I am a failure, I am a fraud, and it’s only a matter of time before the whole world finds out and they all come for me.

It’s the hardest for me to reason my way out of, because it’s the easiest to make a case for. Believe you me, I can take nearly anything and turn it into a reason why I’m not good enough. Or at least my anxiety can. I’m not talented enough to do that. See? Told you.

But it is the hardest to banish with reason, or reality. With other aspects of my anxiety, I have the people who love me who are living proof that I worry for nothing. Impostor Syndrome takes the people who love me and uses them as a reason why I’m not nearly as good as I think (and that’s already not that good).

You’re a shit writer/animator/artist/person in general. The people who are telling you otherwise are just doing it because they love you. Because they have to. Everyone knows the truth, they’re just not telling you.

I hate it. I hate it so much. It makes me hate myself, and it’s so good at it.

I know it’s diverting my energy and will away. I can watch days go by, my life go by, because I’m stuck worrying about nothing.

But the one that really scares me is raw depression, and I didn’t realise why until relatively recently.

I’ll explain what I mean by “raw depression”. Normally, my depression joins forces with my anxiety, and they team up on me. Depression, when mixed with anxiety manages to get me to give up on fighting, and it uses anxiety as justification for doing so. The two are so alike that it’s hard to recognise when they’re allied against my citadel of brain matter.

Or at least I thought so. It was only a few months ago that I experienced depression without anxiety, and it scared the shit out of me.

Anxiety is horrible, yes. So far I’ve only outlined what it can do when it has the advantage, when it gets the drop on me, or when it musters up enough energy to take on the dreaded Final Form that is impostor syndrome. But I have managed defences against it. There are times when I get a moment of clarity, In those moments, I can recognise it and convert it to a nervous energy that I can use to increase my productivity and focus. Those moments are rare, but they feel like such a victory when I can manage them.

A few months ago, I had a period where my anxiety had seemed to go on vacation. I’m not sure where it went, or why. Maybe it was fed up being converted into productivity, so it went to a seminar on how to be a more wily little bastard. When it left though, I was left with depression in its raw form. I had no idea how it operated on its own, because I had only faced it when it was coupled with my anxiety.

It is cold, unfeeling, uncaring, and it wants to be terminal. I was sapped of any joy at all. All I could think of was how pointless all the things I had done, or would do, were. I’ve always been a pretty fidgety guy. I usually need something to keep my senses occupied, and I can get deafened by silence (thanks to anxiety no doubt). I had never sat, staring at nothing for an hour before. Not sleeping, not reading, not watching Netflix, but staring at the same part of my bookshelf. Inanimate. Lifeless if not for breath and pulse and thoughts that I hope I never entertain again, but know I most likely will.

Depression on its own isn’t crying, because you don’t feel the sadness well up inside you to explode outward. At least mine isn’t. With mine, you don’t feel the sadness, or the pain, you just are them. And all it wants you to do is end the sadness and pain. It shows you opportunities. It’s not an urge, it just kind of points you at things.

“Hey, you know it’s two steps away.”

“Hey, that’d be sudden.”

“See down there? That’s where it ends.”

I’m sorry. I really hate going back there, and I hope that nobody read this far who’s experienced them. Those thoughts look so simple on paper, but when you know what it is your own brain is trying to steer you into. It’s terrifying. It’s that slow, creeping, in-your-bones fear of something final. And it’s you. It’s all you doing that.

As terrible as anxiety is, as nasty as it can be, at least it seems to have self-preservation in mind. At least mine does. Fear of death is a big thing with my brand of anxiety. To me, anxiety is a knife wound. You’re bleeding, and you’re in pain, but the pain lets you know that you’re still alive, and that you can still live if you fight. Depression is devoid of life, or at least it wants to be. It doesn’t care. It doesn’t love. It just acts alive until it gets what it wants.

It scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if I said that before.

I’m in the middle of a bit of a spike of anxiety now. Not working is more than likely the culprit. I’m not a workaholic by any means, but I do like being productive, and if I feel I’m not being productive the anxiety and self-loathing creep in and start to punish me for my inactivity.

I managed to get a hold of it this time though. Got the little bastard. Let’s see it hop around now. I decided I’d throw it out into the light for a bit. Let other people see how nasty, petty, and irrational it is.

The book I’m writing has characters with flaws I’m familiar with in it. I’m writing characters that suffer from anxiety, impostor syndrome, and depression. Sometimes this leads them to do horrible, irreversible things. Other times, they manage to do the right thing, despite their own minds doing their best to sabotage their best efforts. I’m hoping that writing about my anxiety and depression, and how I experience them, I’ll have material for later use, or at least a foundation to draw inspiration from in the future.

I hope that this helps me turn my greatest weakness into something resembling a strength. I don’t presume that it’ll do that for anyone else, but I hope that if any of this felt familiar to you, that you manage to find your own way to do the same.

Hopefully next time I write here, I’ll share some of the writing from my book, and things will be much more positive.

Thank you for reading.

#tw suidice #tw anxiety #tw impostor syndrome #anxiety #depression #impostor syndrome #writer #writing

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brandxspandex · 6 years

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Smashing through some pre-modern Spotlight issues on the way towards the meat of the main story in my IDW re-read.

Spotlight: Thundercracker again leaves me wondering how the hell Thundercracker managed to live with being a Decepticon for so long. After all, this Spotlight is set towards the beginning of the Great War and Thundercracker already has misgivings serious enough that he’s moved to commit some pretty severely treasonous acts, and this was back when organic genocide was just a side effect of the Decepticons’ goals, rather than a goal in itself. If he was already upset with how the Cons treated organics at this stage, I can’t imagine how he would have reacted when they made cleansing the galaxy of organics their policy, and I can’t understand how he stuck around after that point. I used to think that the increase in the Decepticons’ outward brutality probably corresponded to the increase in their inward brutality, so as Thundercracker gained more and more reasons to leave the Cons he also got more and more reasons to be afraid of leaving. Yet this issue confirms that the DJD existed even at this point, and Thundercracker was still willing to risk acting on behalf of his morals regardless. I suppose it’s possible that the DJD’s tactics were less extreme at this point, but I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that it took Thundercracker millions of years to take the final little step towards a heelfaceturn.

After letting Bumblebee live, Thundercracker seems to imply that if all Autobots were like Bee he would be willing to switch sides, or perhaps that they wouldn’t be at war in the first place. While Bumblebee is an exceptionally friendly guy for sure (in fact this issue takes time to hammer home that in terms of heroic intent Bee is pretty much on Optimus Prime’s level, even if he lacks Optimus’s focused leadership abilities – which is a big theme of Bee’s own character arc), Thundercracker seemed particularly taken with Bee because he went out of his way to save organics, which doesn’t seem that unusual a trait among Autobots. Sure, we’ve seen some Autobots that don’t seem to give a shit about organics, and some that have just been nasty pieces of work in general, but most Bots we’ve seen have been of the heroic, organic-saving inclination, so it seems as though Thundercracker must have had a warped perception of the Autobots if he thought Bee was an exception (unless of course particularly heroic Autobots are overrepresented amongst the main characters, which may very well be the case). So maybe Thundercracker didn’t switch sides and go to the Autobots because he was under the impression that they were no better than the Decepticons (and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Cons were fed propaganda to maintain those sorts of perceptions).

Thundercracker also seemed pretty hung up on the fact that being a Seeker was his identity, which may have made leaving the Decepticons difficult for him. I guess that before the war most Cybertronians had a very solid sense of their identity, which was defined by their alt-mode, before the war began and threw all of this into disarray. While a big reason the war was fought in the first place was precisely because many people didn’t like being boxed into these limited identities, it must have nonetheless been very disorientating to many to have the familiarity of their old identities disrupted. Thus it wouldn’t be surprising if many went on to dig their heels into whatever identities they could find in wartime.

Spotlight: Shockwave sees Shockwave going about his whole Regenesis Ore thing, which makes me wonder how much of the energon throughout the universe was due to Shockwave’s actions and how much of it just existed out there independently. I often wonder what sort of substance energon is exactly, and whether it is in anyway comparable to any real substances or if it is something completely alien and unknowable. The fact that we’ve seen Transformers converting known matter into synthesised energon suggests that it is at very least made of the same fundamental elements as the known universe. Still, I wonder if it’s something that can arise in the universe without any sort of Cybertronian involvement.

It’s interesting that Shockwave puts his (temporary) downfall in this issue down to his failure to factor in the universal constant of chaos, given that now he’s back he seems to be fixated on “the higher order of logic that is chaos”. Was this the beginning of the path that led him to decide that becoming some sort of chaos worshipping furry was the way to go? Speaking of furries, it’s kinda funny that Shockwave ended up becoming the furry Prime when his spotlight is also the issue in which the Dinobots get their dinosaur forms. Turns out that with Shockwave, everything begins and ends with furries.

Shockwave puts his inability to anticipate and understand the Dinobots’ rash, emotional actions down to his strictly logical thought process, to the point where he actually has to shut down his higher processing to allow him to “evolve” a primal subroutine approximating rage in order to deal with them. Shockwave’s apparent evolution in this issue is never really brought up again (at least, not yet), but then again, even before reappearing in this currently ambiguously un-shadowplayed state, Shockwave was suspiciously snarky and melodramatic for a guy without emotions. I gotta say that I find it kinda hard to believe that Shockwave finds irrational and emotional behaviour so mind-bogglingly shocking and hard to process given that this issue is set a few million years into the war and he has been with the Decepticons for all that time, a movement filled to the absolute brim with spectacularly emotional and irrational individuals.

Also I’m going to post this panel because when required to draw the gadget that enables Shockwave to signal his ship it sure as hell looks like the artist just decided to give him some car keys:

I can’t really recall Cliffjumper doing anything that notable in IDW outside of his Spotlight (and spoilers in the Unicron prologue issue he unfortunately got rather unceremoniously killed off off-panel) so I had forgotten that he’s apparently a total badass whose name strikes fear into troops of Cons who he then wipes out single-handedly before using one of their severed hands to hammer in the grave of the little organic girl he wrecks vengeance in the name of. I do really like how the Autobots have their little friendly round cars like Cliffjumper and Bumblebee as their spies, saboteurs and deadly assassins.

We see some very human-looking aliens in this issue, which is honestly something that always bugs me, even though it absolutely saturates sci-fi. It just strikes me as so astonishingly unlikely that evolution would pull the same trick so many times that it really pulls me out of the story; it’s something that stretches my suspension of disbelief that little bit too far. That’s why I love it when sci-fi provides some sort of explanation behind the humanoid pattern recurring throughout their setting, often in the form of some sort of progenitor race seeding genetic blueprints throughout the cosmos. And you know what? In IDW I’m just going to assume Shockwave’s behind it at this point. It seems like exactly the kind of thing he’d do and he’s responsible for pretty much everything else in the continuity so let’s go with that.

This issue implies that Cybertronians have some sort of in-built program that enables them to pick up the transmissions of an alien world they’re on and use them to synthesise a translation of the native languages they can then easily speak, as part of their “robots in disguise” adaptability shtick. This seems to somewhat contradict later instances where we see Transformers attempting to learn languages the more traditional way, but personally I much prefer the idea that they have this more alien and robotic approach. I also like the idea that it is part of the same collection of features that allows them to have alt-modes that mimic the vehicles and technology native to the alien world they’re on, because adapting to alien environments is an intrinsic part of their natures AND HOLY SHIT what if the reason Transformers have such a hard time changing their ways and breaking free of their vicious cycle of war, yet seem to suddenly undergo rapid character development when they encounter other species, such as humans, is because of this adaptability algorithm? When they’re just around other Transformers they automatically adapt to each other so they get stuck in a loop of mimicking the same behaviours, but when they encounter other species with new behaviours they can adapt to them and break out of the loop (same could go for encountering Transformer colony worlds that have been isolated for a while)??? Ok that idea probably wouldn’t hold up to closer inspection in this continuity at least BUT HELL IT’S A THOUGHT.

The idea that Transformers require alien transmissions in order to synthesise translations for their languages fits in well with the fact that Wheelie can’t automatically adapt to the language of the alien he encounters in Spotlight: Wheelie, give that both he and the alien are away from their native worlds. I thought that the alien having a translation device that for some reason requires the speaker to speak in rhyme in order to work was a pretty clever way of explaining Wheelie’s whole speaking in rhyme gimmick.

Wheelie’s Spotlight has the same basic core theme that most of this lot of Spotlight issues seem to have; the main character is faced with a moral dilemma where they can choose between taking the safest option that most benefits themselves, or they can save an innocent (typically an organic) and sacrifice something in the process. Each time the main character realises that if they choose to take the easy option and allow the innocent to befall whatever horrible fate is dangling over them, they will be sacrificing something even worse. The Autobot characters come to the conclusion that this is what defines them as an Autobot and separates them from the Decepticons, but we see Thundercracker making a similar decision in his own Spotlight. But of course, we know where Thundercracker’s storyline eventually takes him.

There’s a major tease at the end of Spotlight: Wheelie involving the presence of the Quintessons that certainly seems like the set up for some kind of significant plotline, but unless the Quintessons turn out to have some kind of important involvement in the Unicron storyline, I guess that’s never gonna go anywhere. It’s a pity, cos I reckon a lot can be done with the Quintessons, and in their sparse appearances in IDW they’ve always been quite intriguing.

Spotlight: Hot Rod introduces everyone’s favourite piece “woah what the hell they’re bringing that back up again now?” in the form of The Magnificence and yo hang on those Omega Guardians in this issue sure look like those things on the cover of an upcoming issue of the Lost Light:

I wonder if Hot Rod’s experience with Dealer plays into his hatred of Getaway. Hot Rod spent so much time angsting over his failures on his mission to collect The Magnificence, including the fact that he had to abandon Dealer in the process, and then he risked his life in order to save Dealer from a Decepticon prison camp. Then it turns out that Dealer was a doublecrosser who had caused the failures on Rodimus’s mission in the first place, and was still planning to stab him in the back. After all that, it wouldn’t be too surprising if Rodimus had developed a bit of a hair-trigger reaction when it comes to people who betray him.

Spotlight: Sixshot addresses the strangely sweet camaraderie between the emotional abyss/utter force of annihilation that is Sixshot and his carnage-loving fanbots the Terrorcons, which is something that, as far as I can recall, is never explored or brought up again. But, nonetheless, it’s nice to know it was a thing. It also features The Reapers, who provide an interesting little taster of some of the other aliens that exist in the IDW universe, from an electric space jellyfish to a berserker virus infected monster bird. The Reapers are all about ending war by pre-emptively destroying any sources of war, which makes me wonder how the hell have they haven’t got around to trying to destroying the Transformers yet. It’s a big universe I suppose.

Reading through these issues provided a nice little reminder of some forgotten characterisation and plot hooks that have been left dangling. It’s sad to think that most of these things won’t have a chance to be picked up now (except for The Magnificence, and I still can’t quite get over the fact that happened), but they are ready fodder for any fanfic writers who may want to pick up where canon is going to leave off.

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sinesalvatorem · 7 years

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Do you think that people who are insecure will naturally become monogamous and people who aren't will become polyamorous?

I’m not sure how to interpret this, tbh. I think “insecurity” is a vague enough concept that I don’t know what would count as a person who lacks insecurity.

Is it insecure to be worried about your partner leaving you if they literally just told you they would? Or is this just “having preferences over whether your partner dates you”? Do they need to be irrational (and how is “irrational” to be defined)? And are we only counting people with irrational fears about relationships or about anything? Is a person who feels scared when they stand on a glass roof insecure?

So I’ll instead try to define a specific value - how regularly and intensely one experiences fears about one’s relationship(s) - and call people who have more of this (holding the behaviour of their partner(s) constant) “more insecure”. This gives us “insecurity” as a personality trait. How much fear one feels can obviously go up and down depending on what one’s partner does, but people who will respond with more fear than others in identical situations can be thought of as more insecure for this purpose.

So, does being more insecure cause you to be more monogamous. It probably does for a lot of people! And, for others, the reverse might be true!

“Wait, what?” you may ask. “How can that be?” Well, I’ll give the example of my own case:

I have been a pretty insecure person (in the general, not relationship-specific sense) for a very long time, which is not too surprising given my backstory. However, until I first started dating (two years ago), I didn’t know what it would be like to be in a relationship.

I had a major advantage out the gate in understanding how to build good relationships, due to reading a lot and knowing people with good relationships that I could model. Nonetheless, I had no idea what being in a relationship felt like. Turns out it felt extremely tenuous.

I had a whole suite of insecurities; most of which were related to the newness of relationships. I felt as unlovable as back when no one would date me and was terrified that, if I let any opportunity pass me by, I’d never find a girlfriend again. I continued to have the suspicion that everyone secretly hated me that I’d held since primary school, which made it hard to trust that any given person would stick around, and made me want to distribute my risk. I was afraid that the rules around what others considered “cheating” were obscure and unknowable. And also, like, my own jealousy was a thing.

Given the particular cluster of insecurities, polyamory was the obvious choice. Three soul-crushing anxieties pushing me one way beat the one pushing me the other. For over a year, being polyamorous was clearly the best way I could satisfice my preferences. But, over time, most of my insecurities faded, leaving behind almost nothing besides the jealousy. So now I’m way less insecure and have a way stronger natural leaning toward monogamy. Funny how that works.

(Note that I continue to date polyamorously, because the switching costs to becoming monogamous would not be worth it. This is just to say that the type of person I am is better suited to monogamy than polyamory now. My actually love life is poly.)

Why did my anti-mono insecurities go away while my anti-poly insecurity didn’t? Honestly, I really don’t know. To some extent, the jealousy did go away, as it’s now something like 30%-50% as bad as it used to be. On the other hand, everything else is less than 5% as bad as it originally was, so that’s a pretty big gap. It’s also a pretty annoying order in which to self-improve, given that my life continues to be poly. But I do have some guesses about why it happened in that particular order:

Experience: Most of my insecurities were about things that were gradually proven by my own experiences to not be that important. After a year of it happening very consistently, I stopped being completely shocked that I attracted romantic interest from other girls. I found that the people around me probably didn’t hate me, because they had too much ADHD to play a con this long. (It didn’t hurt that I could see other people having fears of being hated and notice that theirs were irrational.)

Somewhat more surprising to me was that I picked up a model of cheating. Or, more accurately, several models, such that I could predict how several different types of jealous people might feel about things. It was actually somewhat like learning to read faces, which I originally thought would be impossible. Then I started picking up the cues of a raised eyebrow here and an upraised mouth-corner there, until eventually I could do it. Similarly, navigating relationships with different types of people, and listening to the thoughts of people I wasn’t dating, helped me get a new sense, so the problem no longer seemed scary.

Meanwhile, this didn’t really happen with jealousy. The lessons experience taught were that yes, my partner sometimes starts dating someone cooler than me and then dumps me; and yes, my metamours sometimes interfere in my relationships in ways that sabotage them; and yes, my poly friends tend to (on average) have less secure primary relationships than my mono friends. None of these were universal, obviously, but common enough to sting.

I’d certainly rather I was weighing risks like these with system 2 than with system 1, but if my system 1 was exposure therapied out of most of its problems, that isn’t going to work for a problem where system 1 is sometimes correct.

Environment: A while back, a Tumblr post went around where someone talked about why the casual suicidality of Tumblr culture was unhealthy. That suicidality must always be taken Extremely Seriously because it is a Real Adult Problem that you need to Seek Help for. Almost everyone who responded said that this was actually very valuable to their mental health and that they wouldn’t be able to express their feelings in a different environment.

This is basically what I’m like with my insecurities. Being in a social environment where people were like “lol, of course we’re all afraid that everyone in the world hates us” helped me work through that.

Meanwhile, I’ve mostly been surrounded by people who think jealousy must always be taken Extremely Seriously because it is a Real Adult Problem that you need to Seek Help for, who of course make me not want to admit to such Serious Defects. Plus, of course, the people who think monogamy is evil and that violating monogamous people’s boundaries is always justified, who doubly make me never want to talk about jealousy in public.

The combined chilling effect probably leads to me working through my problems less well than if I could talk about them, which may contribute to why my fear that everyone hates me faded at a much faster rate than my jealousy has.

Self-Deception: Probably related to environment is the fact that, while I could admit most of my problems to myself, I was convinced I didn’t experience jealousy. After all: jealous people are Bad; I am not Bad; therefore, I am not jealous. This lasted me through quite intense levels of doublethink and reams of excuses that are embarrassingly invented in retrospect.

This, of course, also meant I wasn’t working on the problem directly, because I couldn’t admit to myself that I had it. Thus, I may also be behind on subduing jealousy just because I’ve been consciously working on it for a much shorter period of time.

Regression To The Mean: As far as I’m aware, most people tend not to be incredibly scrupulous and convinced that they’re inherently unlovable and universally hated. However, they do tend to experience jealousy. They do at high enough rates that the default dating system is built around an assumption of jealousy.

This means that, of my listed insecurities, the ones that were obstructions to monogamy were uncommon. Thus, just due to the random ways people change, there’d probably be a higher chance of them going away than of jealousy going away. One might expect jealousy to be more firmly fixed in place just because it’s very common. (This is also my handwaviest and least endorsed guess.)

In the end, it was probably several of these, plus maybe other things I haven’t yet thought of. Whatever the case, I can at least say that I’m better off now than where I started. On basically every metric, I’m a more self-assured and less insecure person.

While I’d rather have vanquished my insecurities in a different order, I am still immensely grateful that they’re going away at all. If I had but gained some more trust, but had still been just as jealous, Dayenu.

Honestly, I’m just shocked anyone put up with my insanely insecure ass long enough for this much improvement to take place. The fact that anyone could stand me this long, when I can’t stand myself, is the best evidence I have that I might actually be pretty or something.

(Though I still have the insecurity that I’m bad for the people around me, even if not the one that everyone else realises this and hates me. This is part of why I’m way more reluctant to date new people, now that I no longer have the automatic urge to accept every opportunity I get. However, if you want to try anyway, I’d be immensely flattered.)

Anyway, sorry to give you a long story about my personal life. The point was that insecurities can pull you in any of several directions, so you can’t be sure that one set of people is more or less insecure than another without finding out why they’re doing what they’re doing.

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book-empress · 7 years

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The Wheel of Time

I’ve finally finished the Wheel of Time series, and it’s been a long one. I love epic fantasy with all my heart but 14 books can be a little bit overwhelming. But here I am, after thousands of pages later and I don’t regret time spent reading them. Honestly, this is one of the best fantasy series I’ve read in my life. And it’s finished, which is also nice. The thing I liked the most was it’s world. It’s amazingly written. The way readers learn about it is very natural. We start our journey with those bunch of farmers, for whom the whole world is their cottage. Yet they start this epic journey to learn that there’s so many more places to discover. The characters are as clueless about the world as the readers are, at the beginning at least. Later, as the number of POVs increases, our understanding of the countries and their inhabitants does so as well. The world smoothly unfolds before us. And there are so many amazing cultures carefully placed in the wast world of Wheel of Time. There’s a lot of considerably “normal” ones, which even though they would fit well into the standard fantasy setting, are still distinguishable from each other. They all have something special about them, which usually feels very natural, considering the geopolitical situation of each country. Those countries feel more real to me than some of the existing ones. And then, we have also the “weird” and not as standard cultures such as the Seanchan and Aiel for example. And even though they feel strange at the beginning, later we understand them as well as the others. Interactions between cultures are nicely done and all the nations create an unforgettable world which I will happily revisit many times in the future. As any fantasy series with self-respect, Wheel of Time has it’s own magic. And it’s magic is magnificent. The concept of One Power is rather simple, a person who can wield said Power, can shape it in “weaves” that, depending of their complexity and the type of the Power, can have numerous effects. Even though it sounds generic, when it’s described from the channeler POV it’s truly captivating. The One Power was the only thing that kept me reading this series, which has a one weak point, the first book. I found it rather boring and very LOTR-like. It has also one of the most random pieces of lore in the entire series. I definitely wouldn’t sign up for the 13 more books like this, if it wasn’t for the One Power and Aes Sedai (group of Power wielding women). What can I say, I have a soft spot for sorceresses. So I started the second book and fell in love with it. So I beg if anyone feels discouraged to continue after reading the first book, please give the second one a go. From that point plot is less LOTR-like with a lot of tropes being changed or used in a creative way. I mean, we need to congratulate an author, who managed to make the “battle of hero from the prophecy with the evil power” feel interesting and new. And that couldn’t be achieved if not for the characters. The plethora of characters. So many diverse characters. Honestly, there are hundreds of names and personalities to choose from, everyone will find someone they’ll like. While the main cast may be a little be annoying and have many trivial problems (that’s an issue I think up to the third or fourth book, at least for me), those problems make them more real and natural. Because people are annoying, they have problems with communication and they do have irrational fears. That can be irritating from readers point of view but it’s important, they need a space to grow. And they do grow. These book have really well-done character development arcs, which I found highly enjoyable. To talk more about the characters, I need to talk a little bit about the plot and events, so if you don’t want to know anything it’s a good place to stop reading your review and start reading the books. But I won’t talk about any major spoilers so don’t worry about it.

Okay, let’s start with my favorite, Egwene Al'Vere. Her arc is simply the best in my opinion, her growth from just a simple farmer girl to a powerful woman who is a force that has to be reckoned with is magnificent. The way she deals with all the obstacles that are placed before her is realistic and interesting. The only thing I didn’t like about her arc was her lover (not going to name him, cause it’s kind of spoilery) but I suppose that everyone needs somekind of flaw and love is blind after all. Many people are irritated by Rand Al'Thor, who is the closest person to protagonist of these series. He’s often called most annoying protagonist and stuff like that. I don’t understand where such hatred comes from. I mean, he’s a very flawed person, but his flaws makes sense. He struggles with the power and responsibility, that is so suddenly given to him. And that’s normal. He grew up to be a farmer, noone should expect him to be the perfect leader. That makes him a believable character. That makes him interesting. He tries as hard as he can, but he doesn’t always get the best results, he sometimes misunderstands the situation or gets lost between the things that need to be done and the ones that shouldn’t be done. I also enjoyed the aspect of a voice he hears in his head and how we’re not really sure, weather it’s real or not. But to such an intresting protagonist we need some good villans to balance the odds. And Wheel of Time doesn’t dissapoint in that aspect. Although the Dark One is not that fascinating, his subordinates, the Forsaken certainly are. They a group of 13 ancient mages, with their own motives, their own agendas and plans. They are rivals, fighting for the appreciation of their master. They plans deliver a lot of suprises and interesting obstacles, and their personalities are amazing as well (my favourites were Mesaana, Semmirhage, Asmodean, Ishmael and Lanfear). There are so many more awesome characters such as Elayne Trakand, Aviendha, Siuan Sanche, Moiraine Damodred, Galad Damodred, Lan Mandragoran or Tuon, to name just a few. There are just too many of them to write about each of them individually. Obviously the Wheel of Time isn’t perfect. I already mentioned the issue I had with the first book. It’s not the only thing that could be fixed. Another problem lies within pacing that extremely slowed down in the middle of the series. There were just hundreds of pages where nothing important would happen and some of the plotlines where needlessly prolonged ( Malden and Succession arcs I’m looking at you). The thing is I didn’t really mind that while I was reading. I would just get lost in the world and not care about the plot that much. But then, hours later, I would emerge back to reality only to realise that the story didn’t progress in any way during that time. The other problem I had was characters’ problem with communication and mutual lack of respect between everyone, but that mostly happened in the beggining. During the first five books there were so many problems that could be solved just by a frank conversation that it was painful to read sometimes. But, luckily the characters grown as the action progressed and they learned to respect each other and talk to each other, solving my main complaint about the books. Summing up, I would strongly recommend this series, it has its flaws, but there are so many pros that the problems don’t bother reader that much. And believe me, it’s an adventure worth expieriencing.

My rating: 9/10

#wheel of time #review #wot #unreasonably attractive fandom

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ortheaux · 6 years

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i rly wish i could express myself about important things like a normal person, as opposed to either completely undershooting or overshooting bc i’ve held things in for too long and still don’t understand what to do with them at all. it feels like a constant struggle especially with being disabled on top, where i’m stuck between not wanting to make a fuss, being afraid to make waves or make people upset or exasperated with me and wanting to be expressive and forthcoming, and open to be able to connect properly.

i hate having to speak up about the tough stuff at my core, but if i don’t manage to and something tough is really getting to me, it’s not like i’m harmonious and easy to be around, i just end up feeling pent up and stuck and unheard inwardly and it makes me quiet and grumpy outwardly which makes waves and the whole process makes me feel v guilty anyway bc i know i should try to say something is bothering me but i don’t always know how. i don’t ever yell or say mean things really, it’s just when i don’t speak up i can become quiet and irritable and the people around me know i have something to say but i can’t figure out how to express myself properly and my fears keep me quiet. it makes me very disappointed in myself when i slip up and hold things in bc it feels like it hurts me and everyone around me. i’m getting better at figuring things out slowly, but i get really frustrated with myself when i don’t get it right and end up in a situation where i feel like i’m making anybody uncomfortable. i feel like i always struggle to find the balance between making others comfortable to excess or making myself less uncomfortable. i know that i’m always disproportionately uncomfortable and having ptsd it’s obviously not always rational discomfort (e.g. hyper-vigilance and fears, weird complexes and a generally overactive mind in normal settings sometimes) aside from physical stuff and i accept that, so i try to make others more comfortable to compensate so that they don’t have to feel like they’re bending to suit me but i can’t even really get it right because i can’t find the rational line of where that ends. am i even making sense? i guess i’m just really wistful about coming out of the other side a bit sooner and i’m frustrated with myself.

in terms of me being poorly, i have a bunch of trouble saying like, ‘hey i can’t really do that’. i’m so caught up in trying to fight to be healthy and better, that i intentionally project an image of being more functional than my body can sometimes be between flare-ups and i never talk about all the normal stuff that hurts my body or the stuff i do behind the scenes to try and maintain looking and feeling fairly functional at work, or going to visit friends or have people come to see me and the preparation it takes. i feel like i’m often starring in the functional™ play when i’m in public, and i never talk about the fact that i leave seemingly excessive (for most people) time before and after a shift to accommodate my illness, i never talk about the days after a shift where i’m in crippling pain, in floods of tears and enduring shitty side effects trying to recover from stuff that’s normal for everyone else when i’m at work, what they see is the disabled girl helping patients and getting stuff done and that’s what i want them to see. i never talk about dosing up the night before seeing my loved ones and the morning of, or incontinence pads or sexual sacrifices, choosing my outfits based on my pain score and what activities we’re doing as well as where they’ll be rubbing/squeezing against my body or what joints need to be free for said activities to avoid pain, i never talk about fitting my shower schedules around everyone in my life because showers still burn and itch my whole body because of my nerve/myelin issues, what they see is me with my walking aids, ready to be Normal(ish) Girl™ and i know that my friends love me either way, but it’s as much about me as about them. it’s not their fault, it’s mine. i don’t get to be upset when they ask more of me physically or are spontaneous, because that’s what i carefully construct and put out there that i’m able to manage but it’s really hard to find that balance and admit vulnerability with ptsd in the mix too. can i mention it without worrying loved ones? when am i just being annoying? how many times is it okay to voice discomfort? what tone of voice will construe that i’m still okay, just frustrated? my disabled friends are my very closest, which is just as well because they’re really intuitive about this stuff, and it’s easier for me to speak up because they know the right way to approach me and can coax me into comfort with expression with their own issues and complaints so we rarely have these issues, but i struggle a lot with this issue with the able bodied people in my life and friends outside of my inner circle - not that i don’t love them dearly, i absolutely do!! it’s just an extra layer of confusion for me, and i get really upset with myself for handling it poorly.

this issue’s at the front of my mind just now, because i’m entering a period of increased work load and it’s setting off more flare-ups, and where i’m still in the process of adapting to a place where i’m comfortable healthwise and have counter-measures in place for more activity, i’m struggling a bit with expressing that i’m having a harder time physically than before i was doing so much stuff, and it’s making me feel a bit frustrated. i feel like having a disability in itself is enough of a constant emotional pivot without having ptsd, and honestly sometimes it gets rough trying to figure out where the rational and the irrational end, where the fear, apprehension and guilt end and i start, as well as which thing takes priority for me to address but i do think that somewhere in here is the realisation that i could do with both forgiving myself a little bit, and pushing myself to try harder at the same time. i’ve made some reasonable leaps in my progress and my recovery, and i have to try to acknowledge that. this is not nearly as much of a problem as it used to be, but sometimes i just want allllll the progress right now!! at times, my fear of putting any added stress on my important bonds can make me sabotage them and i work every day to minimise this and avoid shying away from vulnerability and expression, but i’m working on trying not to beat myself up every time i mess up. i can’t expect my loved ones to be psychic at the end of the day though, if i don’t open up about something, i can hardly hold it against them for maybe putting it to the back of their minds sometimes or it not being a priority when evaluating me/approaching me and therefore not instinctively taking care to be mindful straight away. at the end of the day, i just wanna live, love and figure out how to be an actual person after all this and all i can do is surround myself with positivity, and fight to be better. one day i will get all this down, but i just wish i could do a bit better now. i don’t want people that love me to be confused by me as a person when i love them too. i have trouble interacting with the world, but my love is honestly unwavering.

#personal #ptsd journey #long thing rly #hoping this doesn't make me come off as rly crappy but i wanted to just be honest and i feel like i messed up today #so i'm just gonna be real about how i feel about setbacks like this #if you identify don't even worry #we're gonna be okay #setbacks are never the end of the world #we just need to really acknowledge them #ptsd #ptsd recovery #actually ptsd #actuallydisabled #annasequilibrium

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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It’s now or never, let’s goooo~~!! (aka. semi-serious, encouraging-ish intro post of sorts) ☆ [Repost 160417]

Hmm, alrighty *pretends to crack knuckles* let’s go lil fingers that are currently really cold, do your stuff! Just do it hurgh! ᕙ( * •̀ ᗜ •́ * )ᕗ

I’ve always wanted to make a blog, to just have a space of my own where I could just write out my feelings and post things of my own creation, but my gloomy little avoidant mind kept deciding it wasn’t such a good idea and prevented it from actually materialising. A blog like this is so common but in my mind it was such a big deal, something that could potentially end up going wrong somehow and cause me more anguish. Seeing other people being able to write freely made me feel sorrowful and envious of the courage they have. Ultimately I felt more and more pathetic and ashamed of myself for being so afraid of something so ordinary. This is just one example that shows the extent my avoidance and recently acknowledged paranoia (which I’m gonna totally kick the butt of!! ☆)

I decided a long while back that I no longer wanted to see things in a negative light, so now I try my best to see the good side of things and take inspiration from others instead of instantly feeling demoralised or inferior and it has proven to be much more motivational and uplifting ♡ There has literally been years and years of me desiring to do things with no actual action and I don’t want to put any of it off anymore. There just isn’t any reason to, and this goes for a lot of the things in my life too!

I created this account over a year ago and I spent a long time trying to encourage myself and give myself the time I needed to psych up to use it. It takes so much mental effort just to get myself moving, and only one small negative criticism or experience to have me falling back to square one again. My motivation levels always fluctuated because of my reoccurring fears and lack of confidence. When I finally thought I was mentally prepared enough, it all plummeted into the depths of darkness due to the onslaught of old and new physical health problems. But I am stronger than I think and these things won’t hold me back anymore! I won’t be beat so easily, I can keep fighting hoohah!! ᕙ (;｀⊥ ＾★)┐

This isn’t my first attempt at a blog or tumblr account, in fact it’s my third one, the previous ones poofed when real life got too difficult and I lost the motivation try keep up with the fandoms which I sat awkwardly reblogging a few things from. Being in a fandom was nice to experience, but at the same time uncomfortable and anxiety inducing as I never felt like I could truly fit in. I didn’t want to impose the misery of my real life on anyone nor force myself even more to pretend to be okay when I wasn’t, so I chose to just disappear. This being the case on some other similar occasions also and is such an avoidant thing to do, but at the time it gave me some relief and I hoped to re-appear someday when I got better but it just... it didn’t happen and I eventually had to give up on that idea. I also kept thinking they would probably resent me and that it would be awkward because our common interest was lost because I fell behind. I worry that I was just being selfish and taking an easy but inconsiderate way out and feel very regretful but I guess it has also presented me with opportunities to try refocus myself and learn from my mistakes.

I've become very aware of the impact of my avoidant habits and paranoid behaviour even more in the recent years and naturally, as they are neither healthy nor beneficial, I wish to do away with them as much as possible. I’ve always had an inkling my irrational fears and thoughts were not just those of social anxiety and when I stumbled upon the existence of AVPD I had a total epiphany, much like many other people I’ve read about. Seeing how I wasn’t alone in how I felt is relieving but knowing they are also suffering so much is too painful of a realisation. I want to help them but I feel I can’t because I have trouble even helping myself and everything just hurts so much.

Someday... someday soon I will break out of my bubble of sorrow and I’ll scatter sunshine and sparkles over all these rain clouds and make rainbows appear instead, I believe in myself, I believe I can do it! ✧*。ヾ(｡･∀･｡)ﾉﾞ✧*。

That was pretty cheesy and random, my bad lol but so is this~ I came across the word ‘sanguine’ recently and it really stuck in my mind. It means ‘optimistic or positive, especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation’ (or can mean ‘blood red’ also lolol). That’s the kind of person I want to be or the mindset I want to have (not red coloured and ideally without the bad situations too but I guess it doesn’t quite fulfil its meaning then and well beggars can’t be choosers anyways haha~).

Anyways, I’m at the point in time where I see I need to change now or be forever regretful and continue to feel like a burden to myself and others around me. I want to break out of this unhealthy cycle and move forward with confidence. I feel like I’ve lost part of who I really am, after all these years of being unsure, pretending and restricting myself to conform to the idea that I had to be a certain way to be liked and to the demons in my mind telling me I’m worthless, undeserving and weird, because... I’m not! (ﾉ≧ڡ≦) ☆ ...well maybe I am kinda... pretty darn weird, but it’s okay to be different!

I just want to be myself and I want to be happy. I want my loved ones to not be worried, to see me move out of my slump, to have someone they can finally be proud of and someone who can help them when needed, because although they may have contributed towards my avoidant personality, I love them and I want to see them happy and stress free too.

Time is precious and although I feel I have wasted a lot of it with all of my inaction, frustration and failures, there is still time to make things right. I want to look to the future and enjoy life, because (as much as the phrase irked me initially, it’s been super useful and true) YOLO!! ☆ I mean maybe there is another life but who knows what I’ll be then. I don’t think I could accomplish much as a cucumber or a snail. (Ooh my! That gives me an idea for something artsy fartsy! :D)

Making small progress is much better than none at all, so I’m going to try hard to keep moving up, keep being positive, proactive and productive! (Look at all them p's alliteration whoooo~!! Someone give me a gold star lol, it feels like I’ve written an essay and it was actually a little less stressful than a real one too hurr :B)

I feel somewhat proud of myself that I’ve already made progress even though I may not have been recording it here. Seeing the benefits it’s had on my general health and mood is a nice feeling and my motivation levels are continuing to increase from knowing that I can really make a change. It’s the fear from irrational thoughts that prevent you from going ahead, but once you stop to take the time to rationalise them, you’ll feel much more assured and motivated. Never forget that every bit of progress no matter how small or insignificant it may seem deserves a pat on the back! Reinforce the good feelings and behaviour, not the bad! Even if it seems terrible now, there’s always tomorrow and there’s the great big future ahead to be looking forward to! C:

Avpd is so awkward, geez... I wouldn’t even wish AVPD on even my worst enemy (well AVPD is one of my worst enemies so it wouldn’t work anyways unless it’s that thing where two negatives cancel each other out and become a positive lol).

It’s so strange, sometimes when I write I can’t tell if I am writing like myself or someone else..? I think maybe because I don’t write often, I forget that I can write something other than jokey informal things (which is closer to how I talk). Talking and writing is different though, so I guess it makes sense yoooo~! I can’t spend too long being serious, it brings on those unwanted dreary and negative feels, I don’t want to feel melancholy anymore ._.

Before I started writing this post I wrote the about page for my blog and actually struggled with it quite a bit. One of my main goals is to just have the courage to just put myself out there and not feel ashamed, I really hope to get over this asap as it bothers me so much. It’s no exciting piece of literature of course but I’m happy I was able to do it and be satisfied with it. It was a load of incomprehensible waffling at first and I got sidetracked from writing the simple things I initially wanted to, but I edited the unnecessary parts away. It was nice to finally write a slice of my feelings down and something truthful about myself and at first it felt like a waste getting rid of some of it, but I think I’ll probably save those words for future creative inspo so that worked out okay too. I kept catching myself stepping into the negative thought zone, but I’m glad I noticed and removed it in the end because it was unneeded. That’ll teach mr.snarkypants negative mind not to mess with me! (╯°Д°）╯︵/(.□ . \)

I have lots of other things I want to write and say but I’ll save them for another time as this is getting much lengthier than I wanted it to be, but better out than in I guess, no one likes trapped thoughts or mind constipation amirite..? *crickets chirp*. By writing this, I managed to encourage myself a little more and even give myself some inspiration and creative direction, woot! I just need to keep it up! I won’t let myself be afraid to write about my fears anymore, I’ll rationalise all that is irrational and I’ll pour my true feelings into this blog, with a dash of silliness and rainbows ♡

Everything is easy in theory when just spoken or written, but I know it’ll be difficult to actually put in practice. There is still doubt and negativity lingering in my mind of course, but for now motivation for change is at the forefront. I feel as though maybe I’ve come across as naively optimistic here, but even if I don’t get the exact result I want, at least I tried and that in itself is a great improvement. I just don’t want to give up so easily this time, I don’t want to fall into the spiral of hopelessness I’ve entered many times before and I don’t want anyone else to either. Negativity will have no power over me anymore! (*｀皿´*ﾉ)ﾉ ⌒ ●~*

I spent way to long writing, re-reading and editing this, worrying about spelling/grammar when normally I don’t even grammar, I love engrish~! lol (selective perfectionism, if that’s a thing? If so, stop hassling me!). I also wonder if it’s disjointed and incoherent or if I come across as a bad or foolish person... I need to stop worrying so much over silly insignificant things too, like even where to put the read more cut was an overly arduous task and I still feel iffy about it, but just saw tumblr automatically cuts them to stop clutter lol. All in all I just hope my writing makes some sense, my brain was beginning to get cobwebs, so it was good to get the cogs moving again since I hadn’t sat down and written for so long heh. My attempts at being humorous, fancy and poetic need work though for sure haha~

If I don’t post this now, I’ll keep hesitating and back out, like I’ve always been doing, okay okay imma do it! *presses button with eyes closed and accidentally deletes it all* (huh damn my post didn’t showing up in the tags, must be cause I haven’t used this account properly yet... how anti-climatic, oh welp it’s not like I actually wanted someone to read this or anything, b-baka! orz)

To anyone that happens to come across this and actually read it and found it a little interesting or relatable, thank you and hopefully it’ll give a little insight into the type of blog this is and the oddity person that resides here~! If you didn’t read any of it and just think I’m a strange-ass alien, it’s okay too lol! But thanks for taking your time to look anyways~ ^^

I hope everyone can find the confidence and resolve to be themselves (if needed) and be happy! Keep going, you got this, you can do it! *hugs and sprinkles of optimism* *ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊ ♡

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