#i realize this is stuff we all have very strong feelings about
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What awaits you in June?
Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. This tarot reading does not give a 100% guarantee that all the described situations will occur or being ultimate truth. You build your own life and destiny and only you know yourself best.
✧ Masterlist ✧ Paid readings
Pick a pile. Choose one or more pictures. Trust your intuition.
Pile 1: Now you may feel that you are in an indecisive state, in a situation that has not developed for a long time. Because of this stagnation you could not do anything, find a solution, you could generally feel at a dead end, as if you had no answers to the questions that have been tormenting you for a long time. In June you will finally be able to get out of this state, an opportunity will open up for you to do this, perhaps the situation will move forward and you will find some kind of solution or they will help you, lend a hand. The cards show that to a greater extent your condition is related to the situation with a person dear to you, it can be someone from your family or close circle, a friend or lover. In any case, here you will resolve the impasse, everything will be solved safely for you. The cards also show that your decision will affect your life and your well-being for the better, you will finally feel like a stone fell from the soul, you will feel easier to breathe, you will feel happiness, some freedom, peace, tranquility, background anxiety will disappear.
This month you will also meet a new person, they will be very friendly, open to you, sociable, quite attractive, has an alluring charisma, handsome enough, knows his stuff, is quite capable and not someone who worries about little things. As the cards show, it will be a good acquaintance, you will have a good time together, it will be interesting for you to talk to each other, however, from your side I see a certain distance, as if you are distrustful of a person and are in no hurry to open up to them, share something personal. Here is about the initial stage of acquaintance, when you just get to know each other, make up the first impression of a person, here we are talking about a slow rapprochement with each other.
You will spend the remaining days of the month quite calmly and peacefully, you can often see your close friends, family or your siblings. It will be a good time, without quarrels and misunderstandings, you will really feel comfortable and safe.
Pile 2: You will be "in great demand" at the beginning of the month! Not a day will pass without meeting someone, a lot of people will want to spend time with you and will often invite you to meetings and, judging by the cards, you will accept their invitations. The maps show that you will often gather with a group of close friends but I can't say that you will have a big company, rather only those people whom you have known for a long time and with whom you have built a strong connection. You can also be invited on a romantic date! Someone can make a marriage proposal this month and someone can be invited to a wedding. In any case, you will have busy days here at the beginning of summer.
Also this month, you will go on a trip that you have planned with another person. For some, it will also be a business trip. As the cards show, all the goals that you planned to accomplish during this trip will be fulfilled, all the places that you would like to visit will be visited, in a word, your plans and wishes will be realized. But there may be a quarrel, misunderstanding with the person with whom you went and partly this will spoil your mood and positive attitude, take this into account!
At the end of the month, you may have a joint project with people that will need to be done and submitted before the deadline. Some may have exams during this period or final tests. As the cards show, you will throw all the forces into solving these tasks, preparing and your efforts will be justified, you will get a good result, the one you wanted to see! But at the same time you will feel a lot of fatigue and some apathy, so you should pay attention to your rest and recuperation. Moreover, you had quite busy days before that.
Pile 3: At the beginning of the month you will have thoughts about changing something: this may concern both your social circle and your environment, you may want to settle in a new place, you will want to change your job, field of activity. But mostly the cards show that many will move and for some it will be a forced move when you are already happy in this place, but by coincidence and for certain reasons you need to move. You will leave past connections, past friends, you may feel sad because of this, but there is no feeling that you will now be alone in a new place. On the contrary, you are driven by curiosity, interest, since you are essentially expanding your horizons, it will be interesting for you to explore your new place, you will adapt relatively quickly.
However one of your loved ones will not tolerate such a distance between you, perhaps it will even be your lover. This person will begin to respond coldly, will tell little about himself and little ask about you, will often disappear. It is very difficult for them without you, they are sad and worried, worried that your relationship will get worse, will not be so strong. You may also feel tired because of moving or some other kind of change of things, as it is emotionally and physically exhausting, you may not be able to keep in touch with your loved ones because of this condition, as you need to regain strength, adapt to a new place.
At the end of the month, you will feel that it is very difficult for you but you will be able to get out of this difficult state. Remember that the transition to a new stage of life is always difficult and need time to deal with this, do not rush yourself and give yourself time to get used to it. As the cards show, you will definitely cope with everything and feel better, you will begin to feel a surge of vital energy, some activity will appear in you, a desire to do something. The cards also show that you will devote enough time to work or your hobby, you will be satisfied with what you are doing and you will feel pleasure. It will also help you improve your condition.
Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback 🖤
#tarot#tarot cards#pick a card#pick a card reading#pick a pile#pick a pile reading#pac#pick a photo#pick a picture
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On Dragon Age II's Ending
The ending of Dragon Age 2 has always felt to me like the least morally ambiguous of any of the games' mage-templar decisions and frankly one of the least ambiguous "big" decisions in the series.
DA2 makes it extremely obvious that the Circle mages are about to be executed for something that absolutely none of them had any part in and no one, not even the Knight-Commander, is arguing that that isn't the case. You can feel whatever kind of way about what Anders did, and still recognize the staggering injustice of killing all the Circle mages for something that everyone, including the Knight-Commander calling for their deaths, is fully aware they did not do.
And just in case that wasn't clear, someone made a point of dropping in that bit of ambient dialogue telling us that Meredith is already trying to get clearance for the Right of Annulment before the explosion; she's just looking for an excuse. The game is pretty clear about the injustice of this situation, regardless of how many demons and blood mages there may or may not be in Kirkwall.
I'm a chronic replayer who enjoys making up new characters every time to see things I haven't seen before and I didn't have a particularly difficult time coming up with in-character, circumstantial reasons why a character might annul the Circle in DAO or recruit the templars in DAI and believe they're doing the right thing. For the former: dwarven noble who knows little about magic and believes what the Knight-Commander tells her, and chooses the wrong dialogue option with Morrigan in the party so Wynne attacks and therefore is not present in the party as an emotional anchor and a voice for the mages, and listens to Cullen when he says it's too dangerous to let any of the mages live. For the latter: non-mage human noble from a Chantry-connected family who just implicitly trusts templars, as he was raised to. Or Dalish elf who walks into Redcliffe, sees a magister stinking up the place and says "Well, the Dread Wolf take the lot of you then" and turns around and marches straight to Therinfal, conscripts the templars, disbanding the Order in the process. Just a couple of easy examples I've actually played.
But the ending of DA2 is a choice between "Yes, I will help to execute these people for something everyone knows they didn't do" or "No, I will not do that and I will help them defend themselves and escape." Of course it's possible to come up with in-character reasons to make the former choice, and I have! But it's much less of a choice a character could just stumble into, and you have to do a lot more ideological contortions for a character to do that and believe they're doing the right thing.
Yes, there are a lot of blood mages and demons in Kirkwall. While we don't get a lot of opportunities to treat blood mage NPCs with much nuance apart from Merrill as most blood mages are programmed to attack on sight (and this is likely a product of the game's tight development deadline), the game itself offers an explanation for this in the writings of the Band of Three, the Enigma of Kirkwall codex entry that you can collect throughout the story. While you have to look to find it, this history does make it clear that Kirkwall is meant to be an outlier, for reasons both political and historical (which is another post for another day). And Merrill herself, whether you agree with her viewpoints or not, does offer an important counterpoint: a character designed to be sympathetic while giving a more nuanced perspective to the player on why a mage might choose to use blood magic.
And yeah, even with the fact that the game makes you fight Orsino in the mage ending, I still think this. It's clumsily executed, yes, but Orsino going all blood magic harvester abomination is just one more example of what the game has been showing us all along: that mages (like most people) turn to extreme measures when they're backed into corners with no sense of hope, and the templars then use those extreme actions to justify further abuses of mages. I don't think it was strictly necessary (and for what it's worth, Mark Darrah agrees with that; it's a decision that was made out of concern for gameplay balance more than narrative and in hindsight he's said that he thinks it was a mistake), and I definitely think it could have been executed better, but as it stands it does fit an ongoing theme, and Orsino's actions still do not justify the murder of every other mage in the Circle.
And then there's that thing where Hawke can only receive the support of the nobility and become Viscount if they side with the templars, thereby agreeing to uphold the existing power structures in Kirkwall. It's easy to miss if you've never played through the templar ending (and also because Hawke doesn't hold the position for long and Inquisition doesn't really acknowledge that they ever did Correction: It is actually mentioned in the Champion of Kirkwall codex entry, and possibly other places as well, my memory just failed me), but to me that outcomes is absolutely inspired. It serves to highlight how deeply intertwined the nobility are with the Chantry. The nobles of Kirkwall want Meredith deposed because they feel she's overstepped her bounds by denying them a proper viscount, but they are not anti-Chantry or anti-Circle; they still want mages locked up, and they probably also remember what happened the last time Kirkwall's nobility decided to try and contest the Chantry's power in their city (see: Perrin Threnhold).
I find the templar ending genuinely interesting to play through in terms of seeing the story from that angle, and in terms of what it has to say about power structures and politics in Thedas generally and in Kirkwall in specific, which I also wrote about recently. (To say nothing of how differently it frames Varric in Inquisition when the Hawke he idolizes is the Hawke who slaughtered Kirkwall's mages to a one.) I would honestly recommend playing it at least once for lore reasons if you're into that sort of thing. But I would hardly say that you as a player come out of that ending feeling like you're playing the good guy.
And I'm not even arguing that all choices in the games should be this in-your-face. On the contrary, I don't think they all should. I like it when it's possible for a character to make a choice with unintended outcomes, or get accidentally locked into a worse choice because of previous decisions (like annulling the Circle and then being forced to kill Connor or Isolde). Those are some of my favorite kind of choices in these games. In this particular case, I do think the extreme nature of the choice is important to the story, both as the catalyst for the mage rebellion and to underscore why Anders did what he did.
So when people tell me that DA2 "both sideses" the mage-templar conflict... I respect that it's possible to feel that way about it, but I just don't see it. The game allows the player to role-play a character who might make various choices within its narrative; that is not the same thing as presenting all choices as morally equivalent in-universe, and it has never been the same thing, in any of these games.
If you're looking for one mage-templar choice that puts the injustice squarely in your face, I think the ending of DA2 is very much that.
#dragon age 2#dragon age#blunders of thedas#dragon age meta#chantry explosion#i've had this unfinished in my drafts for a while but today's the day i guess!#lmk if there's anything else i should tag this#i realize this is stuff we all have very strong feelings about#if you disagree with me that's fine#i just ask that you be civil please#there's some very gentle criticism of the game in here but mostly re: the rushed development
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#had a very long very good gender talk w a friend yday#the friend I was talking to: we talk about gender a lot but mostly we talk about mine I realize#she’s not incorrect and honestly it’s mostly bc I don’t feel as strongly about mine but. it was nice that she made space for it#and so we talked about it#idk just. orbiting around and between labels of#queer or nonbinary as umbrella terms#agender as in I don’t care about my gender really. or cis as in I don’t have any objection to my agab really#or just the overall sentiment of. fuck you I don’t know and so you don’t get to either#or the ‘triple a/aro ace agender’ joke of. yeah im opting out of all of this actually#also just. talking about dnd as gender exploration? and how for all of my pcs I’ve had pretty strong feelings about their pronouns but much#less about their gender.#in part because for all the warforged I’ve played pronouns are less about gender and more about. personhood/objecthood#certainly not unrelated but. interesting#and kind of similarly like. I know how I want to be referred to. and that’s all the information people need to know to interact with me.#idk many thoughts! it was a really good conversation#also just. got to be honest about some (aroace#less gender related) stuff I’ve wanted to say to her for a long time#it was good. I love my friends#sola said#delete later
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Hi! can I request an ateez 9th member poly au but the scenario is they make her feel left out, being mean and entertains another girl from another grp and she was painted as the villain by that girl! so they gang up on her, she suddenly left the group and now they’re chasing her back!!
Missing Piece
Pairing: Ateez!ot8 x f!reader
Genre: Idol au, Angst, Mature
Warnings: ignorance, tired, mention of drugs( just a rumor), leaving the group, feeling left out, light arguments, anxiety, evil intentions(a pick me not y/n), a mess of emotions nothing more.
W.C: 6.9k
Note: please I want to thanks to people for reading and reblogging. Reviews are always appreciated. Spread love not hate. After writing this fic, I realized that I don't know how to write 9th member fics😔. I hope this what you wanted anon<3.
Network: @cultofdionysusnet @k-vanity
Now let’s take a moment to appreciate my dear friend @dreamsoffanfics Thanks for helping me out and being my proofreader. A dear friend indeed <3.
"Congratulations Ateez!"
Whenever this phrase echoed, you always felt proud and satisfied with yourself for coming a long way. It's obvious that your hard work and determination made it possible for you to stand strong and shine on this ground.
But, a wave of emotions was running inside you today because of the feelings that are itching your mind.
The scandals you are in lately.
The staff and other idols who are passing by while making your way towards the private room are constantly congratulating you and the members of your group. They all are having a wide smile across their faces but you just hesitantly smiled towards others. You know very well that everyone is aware of the scandal you are currently dealing with.
You excuse yourself from the washroom and Hongjoong notices you stepping away in another direction. He called out your name and asked where you were off to but you didn't reply or turned back.
All the members were gathered in front of their room to enter but when they saw their leader---the captain was standing in front of the door and looking in a particular direction. They all looked towards your fading figure into the hallway.
"Where is she going now?" San asked the captain but quickly noticed the anger on his face.
Hongjoong slammed open the door and others followed him inside the room, "I don't know. She didn't reply to me when I asked her. She is really becoming stubborn."
"What's her problem? Isn't she acting so childish all the time?" Mingi slumped down on a cushioned chair and closed his eyes when placing himself comfortably.
Jongho shook his head while removing the mic and earpiece from around his neck and placing it on the wide desk in front of the mirror. "What about the updates on her scandal? The way she is sneaking around here and there, I feel like believing those are not just scandals."
"No. I don't think that's possible. I don't see a sign from her taking any drugs." Seonghwa stated and looked at the leader who was leaning against the wall after removing all the unnecessary items from him. When he caught his eyes, the one standing sighed.
"But she didn't even deny it." Hongjoong said and raised a brow.
Yeosang nodded and spoke up, earning others attention to his words,"When the manager asked her to explain the matter she remained silent and was staring down as if she was high on drugs. Even when the company tried to answer the question about her on the internet, she refused to make a statement."
Some of them nodded and others had confusion visible on their faces.
Wooyoung pointed at your bag beside his and asked, "why did she bring this bag again?" He lifted the bag and found it to be the same bag which you're carrying everywhere, "it seems like she has a lot of stuff inside it."
"Open it." Hongjoong orders the younger one but he hesitated to the command. "I said open it. I am asking you for it and she has no say in this."
"But it's a girl's bag."
"Don't act like we don't stay together. Even if I ask her about bringing this bag, she won't reply. And if something inappropriate is there then we would apologize to her later."
The younger nodded but before he could open the bag. The manager entered. Hongjoong signaled to put the bag down.
It was always a bit challenging for you to be in a group where you are the only female member. All the fans accepted you very willingly and gave you lots of love on the day when it was announced you would be the last member of the debut line. Yeah, the competition had always included the five girls with the boys but you didn't expect back then to be in the lineup of the final showdown. As you were very sure of Minnie to be debuting with them. Her talents and looks are always remarkable and you admired her dance moves and vocals so much. And, you're sure others loved her more than you. They have a strong friendship with her even after her debuting in a different group 'Stray Kids'.
But your members never made you feel left out or different for being a girl. At first they were a bit hesitant to have you as the member but gradually you all became close and had so much fun together during the first MV shooting. Your debut was memorable with you all traveling to a different country and experiencing several new things.
Moreover, your members treated you like the baby of the group. They pampered you so much and of course, they won't leave a chance to annoy the shit out of you. You felt closer with Jongho because he was around your age so you were always paired up with him. And that's how the deep friendship started between you both.
Ateez are very close with Stray Kids and for that you all often meet them to dine out and hang out on off schedule days and after encore and promotion stages. You loved Minho's company a lot because you both clicked together perfectly. But there was something you noticed: San doesn't like you spending time with Stray Kids and sometimes, he and the others often drag you away with your members telling them that they need to hurry back to the dorm because something urgent came up. Only for you to get scolded later by Hongjoong that being so friendly with others would lead you to get into a lot of scandals.
What about them?
They often can be seen talking with Minnie after the performances or concerts and even two or three of them hanging out with her. Did you ever say anything? No. Then how come the dating rules only apply to you? You had enough one day and screamed at her and them, telling them that because of her Ateez would soon be under controversy but she quickly apologized to you and cried to them.
That was not the end. Because of her Hongjoong treated you really badly. He and other members used harsh words on you and others supported him on the fact that you had overreacted for no reason. They really started to go out alone without you - you were already used to it. But after the incident, they purposely made you feel left out. That didn't even stop them being friendly with her. They even did the new dance challenge with her and the way she was leaning on Seonghwa's arm made you glare at the video longer until the manager announced the practice time.
All these struggles really made you exhausted day by day and it's even showing in your performances and interaction with others. One afternoon, you were in the middle of the preparation for the comeback when you suddenly got to know about something trending under your name on all social media platforms.
'Is y/n really taking drugs?'
And the comments under the post - some supporting your side saying it's fake but you were shocked to see the amount of people believing the post and making strong comments that your recent appearances do look like you are under its effects. You ignored the news, you ignored everyone. You thought about the trainee days and then after debuting. You had lots of fun with Ateez. There are a lot of good memories and there are a lot more than just memories which couldn't be revealed everywhere. You tried to talk with others but never had the courage so you kept everything to yourself. Whenever you were asked to clarify on this matter, you remained silent.
One day, finally you had a talk session with your manager to discuss the ongoing situation. Many of your fans went against you and you accepted their opinions because you didn't make any strong denial statement on it so it's obvious for people to suspect you. You are being a bad influence on the industry.
"Are you sure about this?" the manager had concern and worry etched across her face but you just nodded and sighed when she kept staring at you.
"I don't want to change my mind. I have come up with this decision after thinking a lot."
She opened a file on her tablet before passing it to you to read, "read this. And, what about them? This is a big decision so please think carefully."
"I know."
"Will you be fine after this? People might blame you more."
"I don't have any other option. Even if I have, this is the only thing that seems right to me right now."
She just nodded in acceptance.
.
.
.
As the manager entered the room, she noticed Wooyoung placing your bag down to the side of the chair. Hongjoong stepped forward to greet her and she sent a quick smile to everyone present in the room, also noticing your absence there.
"You all don't have any more upcoming schedules this week so hurry up, we have to leave for the dorm. You guys look so tired. You all didn't got enough rest the last few days." She announced and stared at Hongjoong who seemed to want to ask her something.
"Do you want to say something?"
He nodded, "Y/n is not here since we came back from the stage. She went towards the stairs and I asked her but she seemed a bit lost. Where is she? Do you know about it?"
She sighed, "she is probably in the restroom, don't worry."
"Before the day of the comeback, she had a talk with you. What did she tell?" Seonghwa asked, who was now wearing a black t-shirt with just a washed face. He wasn't wearing his stage outfit anymore.
"You all will get to know about it tomorrow morning."
"What is it that you can't tell us now?" San asked her curiously.
She shook her head, "it's not like that. I can tell you but she doesn't want me to tell you. Don't get your hopes up. Just know it's nothing good." She handed over the food bag to them so that they could feed themselves inside the van while going back home. She asked the last two members to quickly change into a comfortable outfit and took your outfit to the restroom.
.
.
As soon as she handed you the outfit, you thanked her and asked her to wait outside. Changing into the comfortable soft fabrics made you sigh in relief. But you felt tears welling up in your eyes while staring down at the mic, earpiece and the stage outfit in your hand. A lot of emotions coursing through you but your mind was only focusing on the fact - this was your last stage performance.
You wiped your tears and put on a fake smile before exiting the door. the manager took the things from your hands but before you could step forward, she grabbed your wrist and looked at your face, scanning the smudged eyeshadow and liner. You were crying and she caressed your hand.
"Y/n, you are not okay with this. Please, I would suggest that you change your mind."
You shook your head before removing her hand. "Trust me. I will be okay without all of these problems." She watched your retreating figure until you took a sharp turn.
When you reached the door of the private room, it was expected to hear their loud laugh or them having weird singing competitions that could be heard from outside. But now, it's so quiet. Are they that tired? Or did they already leave for the dorm without you? That's not possible, the car was for you nine so it won't leave until nine of you have entered it.
You tightly held the handle before pushing the door open only to find them gathered around the couch but staring at you. You noticed Wooyoung holding a bag at the end of the couch.
A bag, wait, your bag. No!
You hurriedly went over to the couch to find it was your bag and the things were already scattered on it. You tried to pull the bag from his hold until Yeosang grabbed your wrist and turned you around.
"What is this?" he asked you in a demanding tone.
You licked your lips before prying his hand off from your wrist, "nothing. you don't have to know." You snatched the bag, "and why did you even touch my bag without my permission?"
"Since when are we asking each other to touch our things?" Yunho asked and got up from the chair to make his way towards you. You tried to pick up the things and place them inside the bag but Hongjoong blocked your hand and signaled Mingi to take the things away from you. The tall man finally stood in front of you, "and you better explain what all these boxes are for?"
"Nothing..."
Yunho exhaled sharply and grabbed your biceps tightly, "Y/n, what are you hiding from us? what is it that you can't tell us?"
Mingi was glancing between you and the things which he was putting inside the bag. Seonghwa stood beside the man holding you and stared at you sharply, "are these the drugs?"
"Please just shut up!" you screamed at them.
They slightly flinched at your sudden outburst but it was not noticeable by you as your teary eyes blurred your view. You put your palm over your ears and closed your eyes tightly.
"Please shut up. I can't hear any more of this. I know you don't trust me like before but please don't blame me every time. Because of me, this group is already under so much controversy and I'm really sorry for that."
You were going through a lot and having them all cornering you in the room, confined to a little space was too much.
San pushed Yunho so that he could hug your crying form, "It's okay, y/n. No one is blaming you. But why are there so many boxes containing various pills in your bag? You can tell me if those are distractions." he continuously rubbed your back.
You were crying in his hold, clutching his white t-shirt tightly. He didn't care that his fresh t-shirt was getting wet because of your tears when you were crying helplessly. It was breaking their heart to see you like this but what could they do. If you are doing something wrong then they must solve it and for that they need to talk to you but here you are not telling anything and always ignoring them since the incident happened between you and Minnie.
Realizing you were holding San tightly, you quickly removed his arms from around you and glared at him. Everyone observed your sudden change in mood and Hongjoong held your biceps to turn you towards him. At the tight hold you said harshly "let go of me."
"Y/n, enough. What's wrong with you suddenly?" His demanding tone was obvious and your glaring eyes didn't faze his expression. "Don't show me that look."
"Then leave me."
"Joong, leave her hand. We are all tired and we need to go to the dorm. We can ask her about this there." Seonghwa said calmly and placed his palm on the younger's shoulder. the latter sighed and you snatched your hand from him.
Everyone's eyes followed how disheveled you were looking while picking up your things and no one tried to stop you as you were all going to the same place after all. When you pulled the zip of your bag, Wooyoung stepped forward to offer you the food but you rejected it and went outside the room, slamming the door. They flinched at the loud noise but no one noticed your tears and emotions while exiting the private room backstage for the last time.
"I will be good without all of them." You have repeated this line to yourself a lot of times but still you felt the emotions to return back all over again.
Wiping your eyes, you raised your head only to find Minnie standing in front of you with folded hands and innocent eyes, the way she always looks at others. She was still wearing a faerie stage outfit and smiling at you. Ignoring her presence, you tried to turn around but her voice made you halt.
"Are you carrying those drugs in the bag again? So should I post it clearly that you are being spotted taking drugs?" she was smirking when you turned around.
"What are you saying?" You gripped the bag tightly when she glanced at it and chuckled. Stepping forward to you, her smirk grew wider, "it was me who posted that about you. and even if you say this to anyone, no one is going to believe you."
"It was...you." you watched her in disbelief when she lightly laughed and twirled a strand of hair between her delicate thin fingers. She pouted and blinked at you, "you shouted at me in front of them so I had to take my revenge."
"And it's just-"
"It hurts my pride." She made a disgusted face at you and bumped against your shoulder, "well, thank me for not doing something else but....I just ruined your career. Goodbye!"
You saw her walking like on a cat walk towards the corridor and smiling innocently to everyone in her way. She turned a little and smirked at you before taking a turn leaving you there in shock.
"Y/n...you're still here." You heard Jongho's voice and then saw others exiting the room but before they could ask you something, you ran towards the elevator and fortunately it just opened for the staff members queuing in front of it and you got inside with them. They were all glancing at you because of your weird behavior and you being alone with a sad look.
As soon as the ding sound indicated the arrival to the ground floor, you wasted no time and speedily walked towards the car. You got inside and sat in the far back, waiting for others to come.
.
.
After they got into the car, they found you sleeping peacefully at the back. "She is sleeping." Yunho told others and placed your head on his shoulder while adjusting in the seat beside you.
"Let her sleep. She is extremely tired." Hongjoong said and scolded Wooyoung who was about to say something loudly.
Seonghwa shook his head, "but she has to eat."
"I will feed her after we reach home. Leave her for a while. Let's not ask her anything more today." Yeosang started and closed his eyes while leaning back.
Yunho kept stroking your head so that you don't wake up and he felt you nuzzling into him and he smiled while looking down at you.
>>>><<<<
You stretched your arms, you heard their voices coming from a distance. You groaned and rubbed your eyes. Your body was aching so bad that you felt like going back to sleep again. But then you remembered your plans for this night.
You got up and stepped outside the room, their voices were coming from the living room and when some of them caught your sleepy figure entering the room they sent a smile towards you.
"Y/n come eat with me. Others have already had their dinner and I will accompany you while the rest keep doing whatever they do at the moment." Yeosang called you from the table and patted the chair beside him. You were hungry but you didn't feel like eating anything because of all the emotions you had inside.
Is my decision okay?
You shook off the feeling and walked towards the table. Some returned back to discuss the topic they were busy with and the youngest of the two joined you both at the table.
"So, as we don't have a schedule this week. How about we go on a trip somewhere?" Wooyoung suggested and Yeosang nodded before urging to start eating.
Your heart ached when you heard the joy in his voice and how they were planning for the week.
"But can we not spend time inside the dorm? I don't feel like going out." Jongho whined.
"What do you say, y/n?" Yeosang asked and you glanced at him to your side but remained silent.
He shared a glance with Wooyoung before the younger one spoke up: "Hey! Do you want to stay inside or go out? We will decide after what you say."
"I......whatever you all will agree on." You mumbled softly.
"But-"
"I said whatever you guys will agree on! It doesn't matter what I say. You all will be off on your own." You stood up from the table and took deep breaths, "have fun without me. Whatever you guys do, enjoy yourself and live a happy life."
"Y/n...if-"
"Yeo I don't want to hear anything. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight."
The moment you had to pass the couch where others were sitting but their attention was on you after you shouted at the table, Mingi grabbed your hand, "Are you okay?"
You glanced at the grip and to the others.
"You all are always meant for each other. The eight of you are soulmates and I'm just an extra character who acted as a villain in the group and destroyed your success with my scandal."
Hongjoong stood up, "Don't think like that. We can sort this out together."
"No. People already hate me for this and even if I try to claim myself innocent then all the fame I have already lost is never coming back. I'll still receive more hate. It wouldn't have happened if you guys really cared for me." You whispered the last line.
San scratched his neck and spoke up, "But you have us. Even if they hate you, we will show them that you are the best."
"But you don't have me. I can't do anything in return so it's better for me to move away from the scene so that you don't have a problem on your way to success. There's still a long way to go and I can't stop you all from that."
Seonghwa shook his head, "You are not stopping us. You keep us motivated, Y/n. You'll always be with us like the final missing piece of the puzzle."
"Sometimes there's an extra piece to distract you and confuse you and I'm that extra piece. You are already complete without me."
"Why are you thinking like this?" Mingi asked you softly.
"Because you all made me feel like this." You sighed and turned back but before stepping forward, you said loudly, "Just remember that even if I'm not with you all in this journey you all will move forward and achieve everything. You deserve a lot and on top of that, be happy. Don't let yourself fall apart because of a missing piece."
Your quick steps led you to your room and you fell on your bed. Cries getting muffled by the sheet and you pushed your face into it more. When you were saying those words earlier, you stood strong but deep down, your heart was heavy.
Time passed and you didn't realize when you fell asleep. A figure stepped inside your room, he smiled at your sleeping figure, his dimples peeking out even in the dark and his sharp eyes staring at you softly. He adjusted your body to a comfortable position and pulled you closer to him, lulling you to sleep. You mumbled something in your sleep and he smiled and patted your head. Soon, he fell asleep with you in his arms.
Now, this is the secret that nobody knows yet. You're dating all of them. Since the day of the debut you all found comfort in each other's arms. This can't be mentioned in the public media and nothing can be obvious if you are really dating one of them - let alone all of them. They're always so protective and showered you with love, making your heart warm and a wide smile visible on your face.
In many shows and interviews, you've referred to them as your strongest pillars of life and that you would be always thankful to them for being with you.
But lately it turned into a disaster after you all met her again after a year at the show when Minnie introduced herself to them and they became friends quickly. You didn't mind the friendship at first but when they started to blame you on whatever she tells them, they started pointing out her right proving you wrong in every aspect.
She really had to destroy your career---even your relationship with them.
<<<<<<>>>>>>
"You are here?" Yunho yawned while nodding his head and rubbed his eyes while making his way towards the table after greeting the leader. "I thought you're the one sleeping with her."
Yunho shook his head before gulping down the water, "No. San told me that he wanted to sleep with her." Hongjoong nodded and turned his attention back to the food on the table.
The rest of them soon started to gather around in the living room. Wooyoung saw San coming last into the wide space but all alone. He creased his brows and asked him, "Isn't she coming for breakfast?" He put down the plate on the table.
"It'll soon be lunch time." Jongho said and laughed. Yeah, it's true that they woke up so late that they have passed the morning and it's already noon but they're still preparing breakfast.
San, who was still rubbing his eyes, looked at him and then around the room, "She isn't here?"
"No..."
"When I woke up, she was not in the bed."
Hongjoong stood up and took the phone in his hand before watching everyone in confusion,
"Did she tell any of you where she is going today? Does she have something to do?"
He dialed your number but the line was dead.
Mingi skipped to your room to see if you had left any sticky note but nothing was there. Wait. Not even your things were there. Only a few items were there but the photo frames with a few boxes were missing too. He went back into the living room to inform the others about it. They were so lost and confused about the situation when suddenly the doorbell rang.
Jongho quickly opened it to be greeted by their manager whose appearance was more serious than usual. She walked inside and looked at everyone before sighing and sitting on the chair near her, "Have you checked your phones?"
When they shook their heads and told her that they had just woken up. She turned her phone screen around to take a look at it.
'Y/n, the member of Ateez is leaving the group...'
San snatched the phone from her hand and scrolled down the whole post only to find out the news was announced by their own company and there was also an apology letter from your side posted. So many things happened just in the morning.
"What is this? Where is she?" Hongjoong demanded a clarification of this situation from her but she only shook her head before brushing some strands of hair back.
"She has already left the place. These past few days, you were busy and didn't notice her preparing for this day so I was there to help her collect everything. I tried to change her decision, make her understand but she had already lost hope in this. She was so disturbed with the whole scandal and all."
"Can't we contact her?" Wooyoung asked her while tears were threatening to fall from his eyes.
"No. Your company has banned you from having any contact with a former member. I don't think it's good for your image."
"I don't care about my image. I want her back. How can she leave the group? And she didn't tell us anything about this the whole time..."
Seonghwa looked at the leader and sighed, "That's why she was saying things like that last night."
And now, they realized how they have ignored you all these past months just to believe that girl whom they had befriended and trusted so much that they doubted you on taking drugs and being jealous of others too much.
But their career can't be stopped here. They need to move forward on this journey - even if that means with a missing piece in their group.
>>>><<<<
[2 years later]
"8 makes 1 team...Hello we are Ateez."
The whole audience in the arena cheered. Ateez with wide smiles and sparkling eyes were watching their fans from overseas greeting them by shouting out their names. They felt so loved at that moment that they forgot the pain inside their heart, not getting to be loved by you anymore.
They love their fans a lot but your love was the precious one and when Yeosang realized that you were not there beside him in the choreography, tears fell from his eyes. It's already been 2 years but still everytime he cries during this step where you are no longer smiling while spinning with him in the center.
The concert went for two hours and they quickly changed into some casual wear afterwards and decided on takeout for the day.
The next day, at night they planned to stroll around the city and take in the view of the new place overseas and enjoy the place. They were not given any schedules for the vlog so they were free to roam around.
"I have seen this place just across the street that has a good variety of foods. Let's try it out." Yunho stated his search for this place and others agreed quickly.
All of them entered the big glass door of the restaurant and eyes roaming around in appreciation of the new place. The things decorating the tables, shelves and each corner with the soft melody of the overflowing music with the right amount of warmth and light were a perfect setting. Many customers turned towards them, a table with four girls recognized them but the rest just watched them curiously as they were standing awkwardly until a waiter offered them a helping hand.
They opted for a table at the very end as it was a bit away from the other tables and a bit hidden by a wooden rack.
They all settled down and the waiter waited for them to order. After a lot of complaints, whines, bickers and scolding, they had decided on the menu to be ordered finally.
For the time being, they were waiting for the food to arrive. They gossiped on a lot of stuff, few scrolling through Instagram and taking aesthetic pictures of the place but they don't forget to see any update from your private account. nothing. Jongho sighed and switched off his phone.
"Here is the food!" A cheerful voice made them look up at the person with two others trailing behind her. The girl didn't look at their faces but the eight boys from around the table were staring at her. she was joking with the girl beside her while placing all the bowls down the table. the other two left her when she turned around, "is there some-"
her voice got lost in her throat when she finally locked eyes with the ones watching her intently.
"y/n. you are here."
oh. they're having tours in this country. you're so busy these past few days that you didn't notice that they have announced the tour dates. yeah, even if you have left the group and moved away to a different country, you keep yourself updated with them.
you just can't get over them and this kills you inside.
"uh...um...congratulations on the comeback."
"Why did you leave the group? You don't even contact any of us." Hongjoong asked you from just the opposite direction from where you were standing.
"Isn't it obvious that I left the group not to keep in touch with you all?"
"But why?"
"Now your group is free from scandals and under no controversy. You all are having comebacks and your fans even forgot about me and giving you all the love you guys deserve. So what's the point of me being there." You chuckled in an unamused way.
Wooyoung stood up and suddenly hugged you catching you off guard, "you don't know how much we missed you. Everyday we thought that you'll call one of us or will show up to the front door. But you totally disappeared."
"It hurt us, baby. It hurts to not wake up to your side. It hurts not to see your smiling face and you walking around the dorm. Heck! I watched all the videos of you to hear your voice." San bit his lip to prevent himself from crying.
It hurts me too...
You just curled your fingers, wanting them to stop or you might break down in front of them. You thought after joining at your friend's restaurant that you won't ever come across your past life but who knew after two years here, you would be facing them again.
Licking your lips, you pushed Wooyoung off from you and eyed him before turning to them, "but you all became used to ignoring me then why suddenly you all are acting like this."
"No it's not like that."
"Really Mingi? Are you sure you're not the person who blamed me that for me all your hard work will be gone."
The chatters around the place increased with the entry of some more customers. Little did you know, your friend noticed the current situation you were in and she told other workers to take your place and not mind anything at the end table.
Jongho glared at Mingi but still he also knew that the news got them all shattered because it was their first accusation after the debut and they knew very well the cause of any controversy regarding a group. They all feared for their dreams to be crashing down.
But they were also worried for you. They all asked you about it but you're not the outspoken type and you remained silent and refused to talk to anyone. You distanced yourself from them when they hinted their anger towards you and it really scared you.
and that girl Minnie really played her wicked games with them at their weakest moment. "I'm sorry. Please forgive us for not being there for you. We-"
"Jongho, there's nothing to forgive or forget. I had some great memories with you all and I loved every moment but for me I don't want someone's dreams to end."
You weakly smiled at them.
"But what about you? How are you?" Seonghwa asked you while he approached you and held your hands in his, he caressed the soft skin and stared down.
"Honestly, I don't even know about myself. I'm totally living a different life. People don't recognize me after dying my hair and not wearing makeup and I don't come out often to serve the customers but unfortunately today I did and...."
"And what about the......drugs?"
"Joong-"
"It's okay Hwa. He is just obeying his rules being a leader." You bit your lip when retreating the hand from the hold, "those boxes in my bag were not drugs. Those were my anxiety pills. I used label-less boxes so that people won't know about my problems but that only led to some bigger problems."
Yunho stepped forward, "you had anxiety?" You nodded.
"What caused you this? I swear y/n tell me what happened to have this happen?" He was furious and you watched his impatient hand brushed his hair back.
"Yunho.....it's you guys. You all did this to me." After voicing out the words, you stared at them blankly.
"Us?" Yeosang asked you but also to himself.
"The ignorance. The blames and accusations adding up to the online comments on my posts were stressing me out and I had a consultation with my family psychiatrist." You sighed at the end of the sentence.
San suddenly asked you, "what about your dreams, y/n? You shared so many things with me with us. You planned a whole future with us. What about that?"
"I really wanted to spend my whole life with you all. To create so many memories together but I think those will just remain as dreams because of the rumors. Even if I want to get back. I won't because it would hamper your future and dream."
"But who spread the rumors on drugs?" Hongjoong sat down and held his head.
"It's-... it's..." you bit your lips and proceeded, "it's nothing. You don't have to worry about it now. I'm out of this whole thing and you are all free from all controversial posts."
You tried to smile but the tears falling from your eyes betrayed you.
"You are not coming back to us?" Yunho held your hand, he held it so dearly as if you were a delicate person. He didn't want to let it go but still somewhere in your eyes he saw the distance between you both.
There was no sign of love from you.
"No."
Jongho came in front of your view, "but please we need you. It's no more the same feelings without you. There's really a missing piece in our life." He gulped the lump of sadness and continued, "and, It's you, y/n."
"No you are a perfect team even without me. Eight makes a perfect team like you." You looked over all of them.
"And nine makes the perfect family." Seonghwa said in a hushed voice.
You shook your head, "then work on your teamwork and make it a family. I hope you will find a better girl for yourselves."
Wooyoung pushed aside Seonghwa and cupped your cheek and Hongjoong just stood behind him, watching you keenly.
"Please, y/n don't do this to me. I got to see you after two years and...and just for you to say leave me again?"
"Woo, people might be watching."
"I don't care."
"But I care. I have to work unlike you who will go back to your country after the tour ends. I have to stay back here and face these customers again and if somehow this scene got to the media then it'll be a new situation to handle. Please, I beg you. I don't want to be in a similar situation again."
You inhaled and continued, "and this time it won't be because of me but because of you. So stop before anything happens again."
" but you can stay with us. We can move out from the dorm and stay somewhere else. Also, you don't have to be with us for the sake of being a group member but as our girlfriend." Hongjoong said the words very precisely but you just laughed at him.
"You have lost the right to call me that way before. Don't say that word again. I hate it. I don't want to stay with any of you."
"But-"
"The food is getting cold. They worked hard in preparing this."
San held your hand when you stepped back, "At Least eat with us. Last time, you didn't even eat properly with us."
"Y/n, I miss you a lot." Yeosang looked at you with a longing feeling but you just ignored it.
I miss you all too...
And I know I shouldn't...
You took deep breaths, "I'm telling this to all of you. And it's my final wish to you so please kindly keep it. Just forget about me. You all have a long way to go to achieve success. Don't get stuck in the past. Pretend I never met you all. I was never a part of your life."
San gripped your wrist tighter.
Hongjoong said in a low voice, "this is impossible for us to do. How can we forget you? How can we forget all the memories of us?"
You stared at the grip and glanced at his face. He had changed a lot in these two years and the maturity in his voice and demeanor was visible.
He stared at you helplessly and waited for your response. You removed the grip and turned around.
"Enjoy the meal!"
How can they just eat now? They all have lost their appetite after this and the way you didn't even turn back to them for the last time left them staring at your direction until you disappeared behind the door beside the desk.
You entered the door and tears slid down your cheek and whispered to yourself, "pretend I was just a missing piece of your dream."
[I just realized that I don't know how to write 9th member aus like what did I write here. It could have been better but still I tried so appreciate me🥹]
Taglist: @mymoodwriting @justhere4kpop @anyamaris @yeoobin @icchyi @jwnghyuns @piratequeen-queenofgames @dinonuguaegi @oreharuuu @hwanring @sanwifesstuff @kiwiisnthereoops @kiwiraccoon @hyuukah @kazscara @aceofspadesbiofalltrades @nvdhrzn @meowmeeps @vtyb23 @haechansbbg
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#cultofdionysusnet#kvanity#ateez#ateez x reader#ateez fanfic#poly ateez#ateez poly#ateez imagines#ateez scenarios#ateez au#seonghwa x reader#hongjoong x reader#ateez yunho x reader#yeosang x reader#san x reader#mingi x reader#wooyoung x reader#jongho x reader#ateez ot8#poly ateez x reader#ateez x y/n#ateez x you
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tastes | Marauders x Reader
Pairing: J.P. x S.B. x R.L x Female Reader
Word Count: 5.3k
Warnings: Smut, finger fucкing, oral (male receiving), P in V, lots of praise (especially from Remus), Sirius gets all the love he deserves, consent is sexy, lusty!boys, сreаm piе, they literally can't take their eyes off you.
Prompt: Inspired by the sense of taste. Reader has a very strong gag reflex, so the boys have never asked you to blow them, and you love them for it. But today, you want to taste them.
tastes is part of The Five Senses: an anthology series where each chapter will be a stand-alone story, inspired by the different ways we have of perceiving the world around us.
18+ readers only (smut under the cut)
Cum Feel The Noize
You had always had pretty strong gag reflex, just brushing your tongue while you brushed your teeth made you want to puкe sometimes, it wasn’t ideal, but it was what you were born with so you settled.
The boys knew, you’d been friends with them long before you started dating, and you had been pretty vocal about it, really, you were just so comfortable with them around that you didn’t mind talking about those things.
“What about sucking a dicк?” Sirius asked, half teasingly, half because he’d been genuinenly curious. He got elbowed by James after asking, but you just laughed.
“Nah, it’s fine,” you told James dismissively “In truth, I’ve never done that.”
“Never, ever? Not even the tip?” Asked James impressed, now curious as well. You shook your head as an answer.
“Not even when you dated that stupid Harland boy?” asked Remus. They all hated Harland because they all liked you, even then, a few months before you started all dating each other.
“Harland?” you asked in disbelief “Hell no! He asked a couple of times but, I just couldn’t do it,” you admitted “I really didn’t want to puкe all over his dicк.”
“Understandable,” Remus nodded.
“Yeah, you’d think. That’s why we broke up tho.”
“What? Shut up!” James said, almost standing straigther.
“No, it’s true!” you said with a nod “He said there were plenty other girls in the market, and that most of them would die just to get the chance to suck him off.”
“And what did you tell him?” Sirius asked.
“To fuck off,” you said with a laugh “didn’t even like him that much anyway,” you said with a sight, “But he’s so petty, he asked me to go see him in one of the abandoned classrooms to give me back some of my stuff, but he had just gotten a girl to blow him there. So when I arrived–”
James gasped, he had his mouth open wide, completely shocked.
“–Poor girl, she was so embarrassed ‘cause she thought we were still dating. Which in hindsight, probably makes is worse. Anyway, he tried to go after me and jinxed him.”
“We thought you stopped dating because he moved away.”
“Nope, he moved away because the girl told all her friends about it and gave him the worst reputation.”
Fast forward to now, you had been dating them for almost a year, and they had, never once, asked you to suck them off, not even by accident, which only made you love them even more, making you realize they truly listened, the difference abysmal between them and Harland, who’d asked hundreds of times, and your boys, who actually cared about you and your limits. And since they also had each other to have fun with it, neither of them missed out on getting blowjobs all that often either. Benefits of being in a poly relationship.
But the boys were always so caring, and so giving, both in and outside of the bedroom, that you really wanted to give back to them. In fact, seeing the way James sucked Remus once, made you want to test it yourself, mouth watering at the thought. You had done your research too, asked your friends about their techniques and paid a lot more attention when they were doing each other, making mental notes of the things they clearly liked and the things they didn’t. For the first time in your life, you actually wanted to try.
So, on Sirius’ birthday, you thought it’d be your chance. The boy had asked Peter for the room and he happily left the three of them to do their thing while going to bunk with his own girlfriend. Remus had been the one to pick you up at your room with the invisibility cloak that day.
“You ready luv?” he asked tenderly when you got out of your room, quickly enveloping you in the cloak as he stood behind you.
“Very ready,” you said with a little smirk, which had Remus raise one of his eyebrows. Did you plan something? That’s definitely your “I’ve planned something” tone.
He dipped his head in the crook of your neck and gave it a short whiff “You’re wearing Sirius’ favourite perfume,” he mouthed, you could feel his lips brushing against your skin, already sending warmth to your core. “What else?”
You smiled mischievously “Nothing else,” you admitted.
A rush of blood went straight to his cock when he heard you say that so confidently, and he finally peaked from his spot in your neck, looking through the thin white shirt you were wearing, he could see your nipple perking underneath the fabric, marking it ever so slightly. “Fuck, dove you’re such a tease.”
You shrugged, turning to press a kiss to his cheek, realizing how blown out his pupils were already, “You know how much Sirius loves it.”
He slid his hands under your skirt, only feeling the outside of your tight, all the way to your waist, as if trying to feel if you really had nothing underneath at the bottom. “Yeah, he’s not the only one,” he grunted, digging his digits a little, just below your pelvis. You pressed yourself to him a little more, realizing he was already getting turned on, even from such a short interaction, which only fueled you even more, turning completely around you wrapped your fingers on his neck and brought him down for a kiss. He complied, pushing you against a nearby wall as he kissed back, hands still extended above his head to keep the cloak covering the two of you. When you finally separated, you were both panting, his lips were already pink from the stimulation, and he brought one of his hands down to accommodate his pants, they were already making him uncomfortable.
“Come on handsome,” you told him with a smile, butting your bottom lip for a mere second and pulling at his bicep ever so slightly, “Why don’t we continue the party inside?”
When you arrived at their room, Sirius was on his bed, sketching something in his notebook while James was setting up the record player. After all the initial plan had been to just chill and listen to music together. But you all knew that wasn’t going to be the end of the story from the moment the suggestion left Remus’ lips.
You went straight to Siri, pressing a chaste kiss over his mouth as you laid down next to him “Happy birthday Puppy!”
“That’s like the 10th time today you say that,” James teased.
“It’s probably just an excuse to snog him,” added Remus.
You shrugged and leaned in again, pressing another short kiss to Sirius’ soft lips “Happy birthday,” you whispered again.
Sirius just smiled, he loved when you showered him with attention, he had always had a knack for being the center of it, but when he was the center of yours, it made him soar, “You can snog me without wishing me happy birthday kitten, in fact, you can snog me whenever the hell you want.”
You laughed at the suggestive little smirk he made and searched with your hand to grab his. Sirius would definitely go crazy with how much attention you were all about to give him. He leaned in a little closer, dipping his head in the crook of your neck as he turned “You smell nice,” he whispered.
James almost jumped to the bed, placing the top half of his body over the bottom half of yours, his head looking at you from above your belly, “Don’t act like we aren’t in the room,” he said with a pout, placing a hand over your bare leg.
“We weren’t,” Sirius said, still from the crook of your neck “We were just giving you a show,” he added in the end, you could feel the smirk in his tone. Remus laughed, still standing in the middle of the room as he took off his sweater, passing it over his head, slowly, Remus was the most patient of the three; unless you were close to the moon.
You took a deep breath, feeling James’ forearm press against your belly as you did, he leaned down over them and noticed. “You’re not wearing a bra today,” he said as he raised just the edge of your shirt to get a peak.
“And it’s not the only thing I didn’t put on,” you said teasingly.
Sirius turned to you shocked “Shut up.”
“Why don’t you see it for yourself,” you said with a smirk. Sirius didn’t think twice as he dipped his hand under your skirt. Unlike Remus, he went straight to your slick, feeling how wet you already were.
“Bloody hell kitten, you’re soaked,” he said, now his own eyes blown out in lust “Wait, why are you so…?” he turned to Remus, who just shrugged in response, a cheeky smile playing on his face. He narrowed his eyes at him and turned back to you, “fine then… my turn,” he said, lightly pushing James off you as he grabbed you by the waist and placed you on top of him, you were now straddling him, each leg to the side of his. The friction of his pants in your core, only making you all the more turned on, you ground yourself against him, which had him moan, if ever so lightly. James had placed one hand over your tight as he moved to kiss Sirius’ neck. Today was his day, after all.
You smiled, slowly grinding yourself against the boy one more time before leaning in to kiss him on the lips. Remus was sitting on the bed beside yours, lousily looking at the three of you as he patted himself. After a couple more kisses, you reached your hand under Sirius’ shirt, and both you and James pulled Sirius on a sitting position so you could completely remove it, gently passing it over his head. James didn’t leave him lay back down though, he pressed himself behind him to gain better access to his neck instead.
You smiled, still kissing Sirius as you fumbled your fingers over the button of his trousers. “Someone’s thirsty,” he teased.
“You wouldn’t know how much,” you whispered enigmatically. There it is again, Remus thought, she’s onto something. With the help of James, you managed to remove Sirius’ pants too. Playing with the hem of his trousers as you continued to grind onto his leg. Now it was your turn, moving in tandem with James, the two of you managed to lay Sirius back, over James’ chest, who rubbed soft circles on his arms as he watched you grind onto his boyfriend. Sirius was malleable, in fact, at this point, he would let you do whatever the hell you wanted with him, he wasn’t sure he was even still on earth.
Finally, you pulled his boxers down, pulling back just a little when his thick cock sprang out, pressing against his stomach from the force of the release. You licked your lips but stood back straight, taking your time to throw the boxers somewhere. Remus smiled, you were being fast tonight, maybe he’ll get his turn faster than–
He lost his train of thought, you had dropped kisses all over Sirius’ stomach and your face was dangerously close to his cock. It wasn’t unusual that you played and rubbed their cocks with your hands, but you usually kept your head a little further away from them.
He almost completely lost it when he noticed you playing with Sirius’ tights, pressing kisses against them as you spread them a little with your hands. That was a move he knew all too well, he’d done it several times. Finally, when you leaned down and pressed your lips against Sirius’ cock, it was he who jumped out of James’ grasp, Remus crossing the distance that there was in between the two of you with two long strides.
“Kitten what are you–” Sirius asked, his throat dry.
“–what do you think?” you said, motioning to his cock.
“But your gag reflex sweetheart,” James said, he was peering through Sirius’ shoulders.
Your heart warmth at the boys’ concern, “I wanna try,” you added.
“Are you sure? You don’t have to do it… If you feel pressured into it because it’s my birthday then–”
“–It’s not that,” you cut him off “I want to try.”
“Are you very sure luv?” Remus asked, he had leaned down near the bed to level his head with yours.
You nodded “Positive.”
“Sirius can be a little desperate sometimes,” James added “We can help you hold him in place so he doesn’t accidentally jerk too hard into your throat, How does that sound?”
You peered to look at him through your lashes, Sirius thought you’d never looked more stunning “If Sirius is all right with that.”
The boy in question nodded excitedly, and James leaned a little to the side, pressing one of his legs, while Remus held him from the other side.
“We’re ready,” Remus said with a short nod.
You nodded in response, taking a deep breath, and leaned back down pressing little kisses on Sirius’ soft abdomen before placing your hand over his balls. You’d seen James do it, and Sirius seemed to like it when he did.
Judging by the way he moaned, he also enjoyed it when you did. After kneading them a little more, and rubbing circles over his tight with your other hand, you placed your hand around his cock, pumping it a couple of times before finally leaning down, placing a light kiss over his tip. The sound Sirius emitted was so sinful, you felt your arousal dripping from your cunt.
James had moved over the bed, one hand still over Sirius’ leg, the other on his cock, he was watching mouth dry as you leaned down on Sirius. He had only dreamed of you doing such a thing, never daring to ask for it.
You took a deep breath, and went for a long lick, all the way from shaft to the end. Remus smirked, such a tease, he thought.
Sirius moaned again, head plopping back into the pillows James had placed when he moved to the side.
Remus hummed “Stop teasing him so much sweetheart,” he said as he placed a hand on the side of Sirius’ face, brushing lightly from his temple to his neck all the while looking tenderly at the boy, “He might just combust in flames if you keep it up.”
You stroked Sirius one more time, brushing your thumb over his tip the way you knew he liked so much and then you leaned down again, this time wrapping your mouth around his tip. You didn’t go down too deep at first, only really staying around the tip, making sure to test how much you could actually fit into your mouth without it getting uncomfortable.
You started moving your tongue around his tip, nipping and teasing. Another moan escaped from Sirius’ mouth, James didn’t know where to look as he touched himself, either at you or Sirius’ pleasure-driven face. At some point, you felt a slight buckle of Sirius’ hips, or at least an attempt of it, since both James and Remus had managed to restrain him from moving too much.
“Please,” he begged. You knew exactly what he wanted. When he got all whinny like that, it was because he wanted you to pick up the pace, either by stroking him faster or bobbing your hips up and down his length. You squeezed slightly with your hand since you knew how much he liked it when you clenched your “tight little pussy” around him. And finally, you started to bob your head up and down, slowly, taking in very little of him in your mouth at first. Testing the waters.
Sirius emitted the kind of groan you only heard of him when he was so deep into you, he couldn’t think of anything else. You then felt Remus’ hand, the one he wasn’t using to hold Sirius’s hip, moving under your skirt. Slowly moving up until he reached the tender flesh of the inside of your tight. And then he went further up, tracing your slit with his long finger.
“Fuck,” he whispered, “Pads, if you could feel how wet she is at this point… she’s practically dripping.”
Remus knew exactly what he was doing, Sirius was as much into physical pleasure as emotional, much like you were, and Remus was well aware knowing such a thing would set his boyfriend on fire, he wasn’t wrong, you could feel his hips trying to buckle into your mouth again, only to be stopped by the boys’ strong hands.
Remus did not remove his hand either, he kept playing around your slit, slowly parting with two fingers as you perked your ass just a bit more for easier access, which just had him grin. You moaned when he placed one of his fingers over your clit and started rubbing, Remus had the most confident grip when it came to finger fucking you, and he always delivered.
You started taking in a bit more of Sirius, forcing yourself a little over what you’d consider your comfort zone. Every moan his noises and Remus’ hands pulled from you, reverberating across his cock and bringing him closer.
“Sweethea… aaaah, fuck.” Sirius was trying to tell you something, but the way his moans sounded, you knew exactly what he wanted to say.
Regardless, it was James who took his hand away from his own cock and bought it to caress your back, “Kitten…” he said softly, you eyed him, not stopping the way you moved your mouth around Sirius, which almost got him to lose his train of thought, “Kitten, Sirius is about to come,” he informed.
You hummed in response, being aware of it already. You knew. Finally, that brought Remus back into the conversation “Wait, luv, does that mean you’re going to…” you hummed again.
“fuck,” you heard him whisper. She’s gonna swallow, he thought, not being able to keep his eyes off you.
Sirius was just as impressed, even if he wasn’t thinking much at this point, he had brought his hand down, and he toyed with your hair before settling it just over the back of your neck, he wasn’t pushing though, he was rubbing soft circles with his thumb, even amongst all the madness you’d brought to him, he was still thinking of your comfort.
You drove your head up and down three more times, and then you felt it, warm and a little salty, spurring into your mouth. And as you had planned you swallowed it all, helping Sirius ride through his orgasm by still bobbing your head a couple of times.
“It’s ok sweetheart,” you heard James, he still had his hand on your back “He’s done, you can stop.”
You did, slowly taking your mouth out and letting your head fall over Sirius’ belly, making sure to keep your ass up so Remus wouldn’t stop toying with your pussy, which he wasn’t planning on either way. Sirius looked at you, breath heavy as he wrapped his hand over your cheek, “That was incredible sweets, and for your first time.”
You pressed a soft, gentle kiss to his stomach, and then turned your eyes back to him “I’d been observing you…” you said. Being stoped by your own moan as Remus drove a finger inside of you “taking notes of what each of my boys likes best.”
“fuck you’re so tight,” the boy whispered, only James heard, you and Sirius were too wrapped in your own little bubble.
“Have you now?” he said with a teasing smile, “you might become the best of the three,” he whispered, it earned him a smack from James, who had been attentively watching the way Remus finger fucked you, imagining how it would look like without the skirt.
“Next time you beg for me to blow you after a game I’ll tell you to go beg elsewhere,” he teased. Which earned a chuckle from you and Sirius.
“I want to see,” Sirius added, motioning to Remus’ hand under your skirt.
“That makes two of us,” James said as he grabbed you by the waist and pulled you into a sitting position, you whined in response, almost crying at the loss of Remus’ expert fingers.
“It’s ok baby, we’re just gonna reposition,” James cooed, and he started to unbutton your shirt as Remus got on the bed, taking off his shirt in one swift motion before helping James remove yours. The boys moved in tandem, smoothly as if they knew exactly what the other was about to do next, which perhaps they did, since they knew each other so well. Once the shirt was off, you felt the cold air perk your nipples, giving both boys sitting in front of you their own little show. While that was going on, Remus was the one to unbutton and unzip your skirt, lifting you up towards him as James pulled it off.
Remus placed you in between his legs, enjoying the feeling of the soft bare skin of your back flushing against his torso. He hadn’t yet removed his pants, but you could feel how hard he was under them, so hard it’s gotta be painful.
But Remus had only two moods, either being patient or being desperate; today he was the first one, so when you rocked your hips back, trying to get a reaction, he just held you down “Steady on sweetheart, let us enjoy you first.”
And they were going to enjoy you, while Remus spread you wide open, carefully passing your feet over his legs so they would stay in position, James had leaned in to spread soft kisses on your neck. All of you facing Sirius, who was just smiling darkly at the sight.
Remus was slow at first, passing a hand over your inner tight, massaging the soft skin before getting closer to your slit. Even then, he just massaged around it “Remus!” you whined, which only earned him a chuckle.
“What is it luv?” he asked, playing dumb.
“Yeah, what is it?” James asked, unlaching his lips from your neck and turning to you, joining the teasing.
“Please!” you added, grabbing onto Remus’ hand and placing it on your slit.
Finally, he complied, tracing his strong fingers over your slit, still impossibly wet. James had already moved on to kiss one of your nipples, nipping and teasing the tender skin. Sucking it into peaks before laying it back with his tongue. One of his hands had been placed in the small of your neck, and the other on your other breast, making sure not to let it skip on the fun.
“How are you three so goddamned beautiful?” you heard Sirius mumble as he enjoyed the view.
This time around, after toying with your clit once more, Remus placed two fingers inside instead of one, which had you gasp, but he just smiled devilishly as he thrusted them in and out, eliciting one of his favourite sounds in the world, your moans. While lost in bliss, you felt James’ cock brush against your skin, which made you remember how forgotten you had left him tonight, so you reached out and brushed your hand around it, brushing your thumb over the tip a couple of times, earning a couple of moans from him.
“Yes, please,” he whispered, and you complied, finally starting to stroke him. James did not stop the kissing as you continued to move your hand up and down his length, only moaning your name a couple of times, and squeezing your breast a little tighter when he was close.
You were just as close, you realized Remus had been not only finger fucking you, but preparing you as well, slowly stretching you out with the help of his two fingers. Remus was big, and without stretching, he just didn’t fit in. And if he was stretching you out, then it meant he knew he’d get your wet little cunt tonight and it only fueled him more and turned you on even more in return. You buckled your hips against his fingers a couple of times, and his pace became faster. Just like your stroking around James’ cock.
James came first, thrusting into your hand as his cum dripped all over it, finally unlatching himself from your nipples and breathing heavily as he stared dumbly at you and Remus, lips parted and slightly red, just the sight of it made you buckle your hips against Remus’ hand once again. He was about to take his wand to clean your hand with it, when Remus used his free hand to bring it over to his mouth and ran his tongue from your wrist bone to your fingers, licking most James’ cum along, which James swore made his cock twitch again.
And then Remus turned to you, not slowing down the pace on your pussy, but looking as calm as unbothered as if he were a teacher asking a student for an answer “Do you want to taste him too, sweetheart?”
You nodded, and he pushed your hand towards your mouth, carefully placing the soft section between your thumb and your wrist right over your lips, it was the only section still covered with James’ cum, and you slowly brought your lips around it, sucking carefully on your hand and letting your lips slowly go back to their place as Remus’ pulled your hand out. James was a little saltier than Sirius, but also relatively sweet.
“fuck… i’m gonna end up getting hard again,” you heard James’ groan, which had Sirius chuckle as he pulled the boy towards him.
“Come Prongs, enjoy the show with me,” he said with a smile. James leaned in and gave Sirius a short kiss before leaning on his shoulder.
“All right sweetheart, your turn,” Remus said as he brought his index finger from the other hand to your clit, you leaned your head back on his shoulder, buckling your hips against him with more conviction now that you weren’t distracted by anything else.
His pace quickened and you moaned and whined under his expert hands “Hmmm… please Rem, I’m about to…”
“It’s ok baby, be good and come all over my fingers,” he cooed, and you did, harshly pulling your head back as you allowed him to finger fuck you to oblivion. “There we go, such a good girl for me, isn’t that right?” he praised, as he brought his hand, still wet with your slick over to his mouth and sucked sinfully over the two fingers that were inside of you, moaning as he tasted your juices. He then turned back to you again. “Now, are you gonna allow me to fuck that tight little pussy of yours tonight or do you feel too tired already?”
You wanted nothing more than for Remus to stretch you up just right, so you nodded, head still a little foggy from the high, “Please Remus,” you added for good measure, moving your hips back just to feel him press against you one more time.
Finally, you moved to the side, allowing the boy to take both his pants and underwear off before he laid down on the bed, Remus knew it was easier for you to be the one to ride him, at least at first –and when he was the first one– since that way you had a little more control over how big he was, and he was always more than happy to let you do it, in fact, he quite enjoyed the way your breast bounced as you bobbed up and down his length. And he knew the boys liked it just as much, so he strategically laid in a way so that they would get a good view of you.
You slowly straddled him, placing both knees on each side of his hip before rubbing yourself against his cock a couple of times, causing him to moan this time. You were still so fucking wet.
Eventually, you lifted yourself up and lined him with your entrance. He placed both of his hands around your hips, to help hold you up as you slowly pushed yourself down, moaning as you went as deep as you could. Remus had responded to your tightness with a grunt, truth be told he’d been dreaming of it from the moment he went to pick you up.
You started bobbing up and down his length, slow at first, but picking up that pace as your walls got used to his size. Remus had his hands on your waist, helping you move easily as he started to thrust up into you, reaching the right spot. “fuck… yes,” you said breathily as he continued thrusting.
“So fucking tight,” Remus breathed as he helped you ride him, completely focused on you, on your parted lips, your soft huffs and moans; you were absolutely entrancing in the way you moved your hips on him, “You’re taking me in so well sweetheart…”
You moaned, and clenched around him, which just caused him to buckle against you even harder. That got you to whimper and you brought both of your palms to lay over his shoulders, to hold yourself better as you continued to rock your hips on the boy, “Baby… if you keep that up I’m not gonna last,” he added, and just to tease him, you clenched again, eliciting a moan from the boy so sinful, it fueled you to keep moving, faster this time around.
“So beautiful, aren’t they Prongs?” you heard Sirius say, almost not quite registering it with the way Remus’ cock trusted into you right after. The other boy hummed in response, not able to take his eyes off the way you were moving.
When Remus was close, he switched the two of you around, laying you flat on the bed as he brought one of his hands over to your clit, “Be a good girl and come for me one last time sweetheart,” he said as he continued to thrust. Holding back his own orgasm, he wanted to hear you moan his name as he came.
And after a few more flicks and circles of his thumb, with his pace quickening, you came, “hmm Remus…” you whispered as he continued to thrust inside of you, the way your walls clenched around tipping the boy over the edge, he had hold it back so long, he practically grunted into your ear and spiled inside of you.
Eventually, he pulled back, staring at your pussy as he panted, you knew what he wanted and so you squeezed, allowing the thick white liquid to spill from your inside, dripping from your entrance to the back of your ass. Remus really liked to see the evidence of fucking you, somehow satisfying his most primal desires, or so he’d told you once.
Remus brought one of his hands back to your cunt, you shivered with the contact since you were still slightly overstimulated, but he didn’t budge, using his middle and index to gather some of your combined juices, he angled his head cockily, “Are you gonna taste me tonight as well sweetheart?” he asked.
You smiled wickedly, using your elbows to prop yourself up and leaning in towards the boy’s hand, not bothering to answer as you opened your mouth and wrapped it around both of his fingers, making sure to let your lips pull as you slowly hollowed your mouth and pulled yourself back, licking your lips as you completely separated from the boy. Remus had not been expecting that, his cocky demeanour faltering as his mouth dried. Remus was the sweetest of the three.
A/N: this is the third piece of smut I’ve written so far, and omg this definitely got out of hand. Regardless… I do feel like I’m getting the hang of it. Maybe? A little bit? At least I don’t feel the cringe, anymore. Saying that, I do still stop myself every now and then and wonder “what the hell am I writing?” In a “I’d be burned in the stake for imagining these things” sort of way haha! Either way, I’m having fun, and that’s what matters!
The Five Senses was born as a way for me to practice writing smut for my brand new Wolfstar x Reader series that's currently being posted on a weekly basis. If you have feedback, please leve it in the comment below. I absolutely love reading your comments <3
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@wikwalker hi sure yes anything to give me an excuse to procrastinate the post i should be writing right now. here are all teh drugs and how to manage them. you can trust me, a drug addict
first of all: https://www.erowid.org/ , erowid always
don't be afraid of drugs, if they're the right drugs, you should do them since they will be a blast regardless and overcoming fear is also good (but outside the scope here)
OK to do as much as you want:
alcohol - social benefit greatly outweighs health effects, no reason to avoid if predisposed to abuse since that'll happen sooner or later. what can i say? don't be a fucking dork. when you start drinking, really overdo it as much as possible without dying and get a few real nasty hangovers under your belt so you know how much is the right amount to drink.
weed - innocuous enough to be fine but will make you stupid in the long term. make sure to only buy from a real drug dealer and never some legal institution. cut it out when you're a "real adult". don't smoke weed and watch TV routinely, go out and do things so you naturally grow to hate it. good to go through this as early as possible to minimize the time you spend as a cringe weed enthusiast
i guess those are the only two.
ok to do infrequently (annually):
"lsd" - or whatever it is, probably not lsd, blah blah blah, if it works and is sold on blotter its fine and won't make you go nuts or whatever. opt for a better psychadelic imo. see psych rule at bottom of section
mushrooms - better than acid since you know what they are. rule of thumb is to always do more than you think you want. minimum 1/8oz. see psych rule at bottom of post
dmt - if you somehow have a dmt hookup you don't need to be reading any of this. lasts 10 minutes which leads to tendency to way overdo it, don't do this, my favorite webcomic artist is permanently crazy from exactly that. using a crack pipe is also not the uhhhh most dignifying-feeling thing to do either. it's harder than you think.
mdma - for use at electronic music event or rave. overuse causes brain lesions or something.
coke - wait until you're in your 20s, have maxed out your roth IRA for a couple of years in a row, and havent missed a car payment in a similar timeframe. better still if you've worked a very shitty low paying job and know the value of a dollar. if you still find yourself buying candy you're not ready. too expensive to be worth it to get hooked on. know that you are VERY ANNOYING to anyone who also isn't high. don't fuck around with the guy selling it to you. avoid discussing or thinking about business ideas. you can't afford to make it a habit + kinda turns you into a piece of shit after a while, but at least a very interesting one
ketamine - another sick drug that rules, but save it for a special occasion. don't try and go into the k-hole your first time
rule for psychedelics - you get one good strong trip a year and that's it, make it count, always opt for doing a bit more than a bit less. but don't make it a habit, otherwise you turn into a very stupid very annoying "hippy" style cliché and believe in ghosts, aliens, crap like that.
ok to try once
prescription opiates/benzodiazepine (xanax), valium, this kind of shit - worth trying so you can go "holy shit, this stuff is way way way too good to ever use responsibly" and then never do again. especially if you're white. for some reason we just can't handle this shit. if a doctor prescribes it to you, idk, that's your call to make.
ayhuasca - this is just dmt in a different form. do some other psychadelics a number of times before you do this. once you realize the whole "substantial visual hallucinations" thing is made up, its time. do exactly this:
-buy root online (legal). receive box of dirt
-boil dirt into "tea" (read erowid for exact recipe)
-take over-the-counter anti nausea medicine or anything that will give you a stronger stomach
-drink tea (its nasty as fuck, get it down quick)
-have someone bigger than you keep an eye on you for the next five hours.
-have the experience, which is absurdly intense, has no bearing to the real world, etc etc. don't be a bitch and throw up, if you do it'll only last an hour or so. again there is no way to provide a consistent description of the experience except that you will meet god. you only ever need to do this once and never again. trust me
peyote/salvia/etc - try em if you want, you'll never ever want to again afterwords. these are drugs for idiot teenagers too lame to get real drugs. imagine being very very sick from poison and utterly terrified at the same time. No good
whippets/nitrous oxide - just find a dentist that uses it and don't bother creating hundreds of pounds of trash on your floor for this crap that lasts ten seconds. you have to understand the extremely short timeframe coupled with the cost makes zero sense. go to a phish concert parking lot and do some people watching -- you do not want to be these people. only use is as a motivator to get routine dental exam. also if you somehow manage to make it a heavy habit your fucking legs stop working, no shit, but they start working again once you quit.
don't ever do
heroin/meth/pcp - is is truly a mystery why you should never do these 🙄
synthetic weed/k2/shit from the gas station - it is so funny that they sell this as "weed that won't pop you on a drug test". its not weed. it is some dubious chemical sprayed on yard waste. smoke it to have a terrible time and go nuts. only buy drugs from legitimate drug dealers!
kratom - anyone's guess as to why this is legal but it's heroin for pussies. its still heroin
dxm/cough syrup - do you ever wonder why it is exclusively teenagers robotripping? it's because it sucks ass. is like a cheesegrater on your brain in terms of health effects with repeated usage. you're better than this king
inhalants - these are at the bottom of the list for a reason. do not huff gas. don't huff paint. do not consume computer duster. not fun + fastest way to make yourself a complete, uh, (word i can't say anymore) and then dead
not listed
quaaludes- unavailable due to no longer being manufactured. these ruled apparantly
sincis2c - unavailable due to not existing, i just made this up
amphetamines - cannot provide objective take here. they're my albatross, lifelong (posted 4:55am natch)
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Treasure (Akira Kurusu | Ren Amamiya)
TAGS: Akira/F!reader, yandere, obsession, praise, breeding, smut, oneshot
Ao3 ver. | Ko-fi | Commissions (OPEN)
“Thank you for the curry, Akira-kun. It’s delicious as always and the coffee is perfect…!”
“Nothing less for my favorite patron of course~”
“Oh stop it, you! Using your charms won’t make me order another serving of curry”
“Darn. Guess I’ll just have to try harder next time then~”
“Of course you will. But I hope you know that the reason I keep coming back here is because of the food and not because of some pretty-boy cafe owner…!”
“Mhmm, I know very well that it’s only the food and drinks that keep you coming back. So that means all I have to do is make everything on the menu irresistible so you’d have no choice~”
“....Smart-ass”
Akira chuckled at the adorable pout you sent him, feeling his heartbeat seemingly getting faster as you played along with him. How your innocent little smiles and colorful blushes sent his heart into overdrive, reminding him constantly that the thief had been the one stolen from instead.
You stole his heart and you didn’t even realize it.
So it was only natural that he would steal yours in return, right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Isn't she an adorable little thing?
So small
So soft
So ripe for the taking
Don't you just want to sink your teeth into her pretty little neck?
Leave your mark on her
You know you want to
She's practically begging for it
All you have to do is take the first step
You know full well that she wants to be moaning beneath you
She wants to choke on your cock
She wants you to stuff it inside her tight pussy
Give her all your cum, make sure you fuck it all straight into her womb
Do it. You want it. She wants it. Stop pretending like you're a good man when we both know you're the farthest thing from one.
And none of that matters, because you'll have her anyway.
WE'LL have her.
Whether she wants to be ours or not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“It's too dangerous for you to go home in this weather. Why don’t you stay the night here instead? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if anything were to happen to you…”
Those were Akira’s words when he dissuaded you from traveling back to your own apartment as the thunderstorm raged outside of Leblanc.
Yet...how did it turn out like this?
“Aren’t you my precious little treasure? Do you feel how tightly your pretty cunt is gripping my cock? It’s your first time and yet it’s swallowing up everything so happily...I just knew you were made for me~”
Arms wrapped around his strong neck, you hang onto Akira for dear life as he spears his girthy length into your sopping wet core, spreading your lower lips while the veins that pulsed along its length scraping against your previously untouched walls. He had your sinfully thick thighs wrapped around his narrow waist as he bucked up into you, basically carrying the entirety of your weight with his surprisingly strong arms.
For a man who supposedly worked full-time as the proprietor of a little cafe in Tokyo, Akira had both strength and a build beneath his unassuming clothes that clearly stated his physical prowess.
Not that you had any capacity to think about that when the man was flooding your insides with his thick, gooey cum. Your eyes are glazed as you panted, inhaling lungfuls of air as a heady mix of your clear love juice and his pearly essence dripped onto the wooden floors of his bedroom atop the shop.
Aside from the half-hard cock that plugged you up, you clearly felt the heat of his potent cum in your lower belly after the curly-haired male made sure to cum while he was balls-deep inside you.
“Good girl. That’s my good girl. Taking my cum so eagerly...you’ll treasure my gift to you, won’t you? Because you’re my treasure and I want to leave my mark in you… ”
You should be scared at how things reached this point all of a sudden, but you find that you don’t care.
Not when you’d also long held a torch for the charming barista.
It was only your own insecurities that prevented you from ever saying a word. Why would you when Akira was so handsome, so charming, so smart as compared to your...mediocre self?
“Yours…♥” Smiling dazedly at him, you press a chaste kiss to his soft lips before nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck as a wave of drowsiness overtakes you.
There’s no need to ask questions. What matters is that he loves you as much as you loved him. So you don’t think about it anymore, simply relishing in the fact that the object of your affections returned your seemingly unrequited love.
“ I’ll protect you. No one will ever take you away from me. Don’t worry, my dear. You’ll be taken care of for life. Now that you’re mine...you’ll be treated like the priceless treasure you are~ ”
Eerie olden orbs glowed in the darkness, sometimes glinting with an unspeakable malice but they mostly shone with tenderness they were seemingly incapable of whenever they were trained on your sleeping figure.
#lexsssu writes#persona 5#akira kurusu#ren amamiya#akira kurusu x reader#ren amamiya x reader#persona 5 joker x reader#p5 joker x reader#p5 x reader#persona 5 x reader#crossposted on ao3
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Built-up frustration. Mary earps × reader.
Smut 18+
Mary frustrated after a derby loss and she takes it out on reader.
Saying Mary is disappointed would be an understatement. After yet another Manchester derby loss, the whole team was disappointed. The team knew that Mary was always hard on herself and was gonna blame all the 3 goals that were scored on herself. So they weren't surprised when she directly went to the changing room after the final whistle blew. I on the other hand was more tired and numb than angry. Football had become a nightmare rather than a joy. Mark had been so very hard on us as of late. We were running ourselves through the ground trying to make up for losses, not disappointing our fans and ourselves. It was all too much, too much responsibility, too much to make up for, I just wanted to shut it all off. However, I had a team that counted on me. I was the captain, I had to be strong for all of them.
After shaking hands with our rivals and doing media duties, I headed to the changing room, showered, and got dressed. Since Mary got there before me she changed, and was waiting for me to finish.
We said our goodbyes to the girls and headed to our car.
We managed to stay silent throughout the whole car ride. Since our house was far away from the stadium, I put my head on Mary’s shoulder while she was driving. However, her hand didn't find its usual place on my thigh, it was placed on the center console. I didn't give it much attention deciding that she just needed her space for now.
When we arrived home, we went by our usual routine. Mary put our stuff away while I heated our dinner. Lost in my own mind, I didn't pay attention to the fact that Mary and I haven't spoken since before the game. I only realized that while eating my dinner that he had not touched any of .
“ Baby, talk to me.” I started while reaching out for her hand.
“There isn't much to say, “ she responded.
Her response shocked me. Yes, she was hard on herself but I have never seen her like this.
“ Honey, please don't do this. I love you. You need to talk to me, you need to get these feelings out of your chest. You have been a prisoner to them for far too long.” I said, a small smile on my face.
“ What do you want me to say? I am shit, a disappointment, I don't deserve you, I don't want to do this. Please just don't make me talk. Please.” She pleaded.
I then quickly got up, put her hand in mine and led her up to our bad room.
Once we got there, I let go of her hand and sat on our shared bed.
“ You always say that I am your good girl. Let me help you Mary.” I say as I undress myself starting from my shirt.
“ I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are the best that I have ever seen. You need to get this out of your system so that you can love the game again.” I said as I sat completely naked.
With a helpless look on her face she said” I don't want to hurt you.”
“ I am your good girl. I will take whatever you give me.” I responded.
And with that she launched me back on our bed.
We quickly started kissing. The kiss was hungry, messy, and almost violent. We proceeded to make out for a while while her hand rubbed my side and traced all over my body.
“ Mary please, I need you so bad.” I pleaded.
She then ,while still making out with me, reached for the drore wear she kept her strap.
After undressing herself, she wore the harness. She unusually took the biggest strap she had which she rarely used. After the harness was secured she said with the raspiest voice. “ Now you are gonna be a good girl and show me how much you need me.”
That was my que, I left the bed, got on my knees, and started to suck on her strap. It was too big for my mouth so I was stroking it slowly. Mary, not happy with my pace, grabbed the back of my head and started to thrust in my mouth roughly. Lost in her own thoughts, she continued to thrust even harder and deeper. I was about to tap out when she said “that’s a good girl, taking what I give her without any complaint, you deserve a reward my darling.”
She then got out of my mouth, and helped me up the bed.
Without warning she spread my legs and slid the tip of her strap in me. The feeling was supring and painful. However my arousal helped it fit right inside me.
Mary was on top of me thrusting harder and harder with each second. It's like she was fucking all her pain, shame and insecurity out of me.
“ I need to come Mary please let me come.” I pleaded.
“ Hold on for me baby girl.” She replied while still thrusting harder.
After a little bit I couldn't hold on any more.
“ Baby please let me come please.” I pleaded with tears in my eyes.
“Okay, come for me darling.” She said,
I quickly held on to her shoulders as I came.
Mary’s consciousness seemingly came back to her, she got out of me, took off the harness, and held me.
" I am so sorry darling, I was hard on you. The strap was too big and I was too rough. I am so sorry.” She said as she held close to her chest.
“ It’s okay darling. I love you. Please never shut me off again.” I replied.
“ I am gonna go prepare a bath. I will be quick.” she said before leaving only to come back a few minutes later to carry me to the bath.
“ I will do anything for you baby.” I said as I nuzzled my head in her head.
“ That’s why you are my good girl. the girl that I love.” She replied.
#mary earps#woso#woso fanfics#ona batlle#niamh charles#alessia russo#woso imagine#espwnt#mapi leon#woso community#woso x reader#manchester united#woso smut
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if i had a gun
cowboy like me chapter 12.5 (joel's pov)
long-awaited, pain-packed, and sealed with a bow by yours truly. i love y'all. thank you for being so patient and kind with me on this one. this chapter is joel's experience of the end of illicit affairs and all of hits different. you might wanna check those chapters out before you indulge in the angst-fest that is this one. hope you enjoy 🧡
pairing: dbf!joel x fem!reader
summary: walk a mile in joel miller's shoes. see if you'd do anything different
warnings: more heartache, more angst, lois, alcohol + drug consumption, mention of reader being roofied, very brief mention of joel punching knox, age gap (reader is 23, joel is 48), cursing
word count: 9.8k
terrible news! there is no more taglist! make sure you're following @macfroglets w notifs on if you wanna be buzzed when i post 🤍
series masterlist | main masterlist | playlist
“Right. Sorry. It’s just…we kinda have a…situation, here.”
It’s you. He fucking knows it’s you. His heart begins to hammer. He doesn’t give a fuck whether she puts two and two together or not when he asks –
“Where is she?”
“We’re still at Frank’s,” Anna says, sniffing. He can hear the booming bassline of music, muffled; the sharper chatter of voices. She’s on the street. In his head, he can see her shoulders hunched; her bare arms wrapped around her body for warmth. She goes to say it again. “We’re still at –”
“’n where is she?” Joel cuts, and she finally cracks.
You’re still fast asleep when he lifts his head.
You’ve had this argument plenty before. I do not snore. Yes, baby, you do. I’ve heard you. I don’t! It’s alright, it’s okay that you do. It’s a cute snore. Joel, I don’t fucking –
Right now, he’s pretty certain you’re snoring. He just wishes you were awake to hear yourself.
He thinks about pulling his phone, taking a video so that once you’re up, you can hear the little bursts of air, the tiny rasps from your nostrils as you snooze. But if he ever did record anything like that – just like the Hillcrest pictures, until you’d found them last night – he’d keep it for himself. Wouldn’t offer it up so easily.
Just something for him to have, for all the time he spends without you.
Your hair’s still all over the place. Tangled in Joel’s right arm, still smelling of chlorine and sex. Your head rests softly on the crook of his elbow like it’s a pillow; your lips and eyes are puffy, tired. You have this ridiculously strong vice grip on his left arm; during the night he felt you wrap your wrists around it and pull it into your chest, tucking it gently under your chin until your entire upper half was drowned in his.
His chest snug against your back, his arms encasing you safely, and his hips…his hips lined with yours. His now semi-hard cock buried between your legs – he’d slept inside you last night, and it was like, after forty-eight years, someone finally took him by the shoulders and said: This is how you do it. This is how you rest.
He was out as soon as his head hit the pillow, soon as his eyes fell shut. He stirred only to feel you maneuvering his arm, and then fell straight back asleep.
He felt comfortable. He felt safe. Big, old, tough guy Joel Miller. Never let anybody in since Sarah’s mom left. Alone for almost seventeen years, and fine with it. His cheeks heat at the idea of needing – of wanting to feel that. Safe. But then you came along, and he realized he’d been waiting his whole life to feel it. Didn’t even notice he’d been missing it.
That’s how these things go, right? Can’t miss what you don’t have, and all that.
But now he has it. Now he has you.
And you make him feel things he’s never felt before, or if he has, it was so fucking long ago that he’s forgotten. You drive him fucking insane. Keep him up at night, wondering what the hell he’s gotten himself into. Make him do stuff that his reflection glares at him over. Are you being serious right now? Make him…different. New.
The night before last, when he’d picked you up from Frank’s after rodeo night, he promised to make you a big breakfast in the morning. Compensation for not swinging by McDonald’s on the way home. But then your dad called, and you had to take off before Joel had even properly woken up.
When he eventually rose from the bed, he went straight to the store. Stocked up on eggs, flour, sugar, bananas. He’d printed a recipe from his computer while you were gone. Marked the items off as he meandered through the store. Stood for ten minutes deliberating over which gluten-free flour would be best, before an assistant asked if he needed any help.
I’m good, he muttered, and then, as the kid wandered off, cleared his throat and said, Actually –
Greg – the kid assistant in question – had suggested the red bag. Said it’s corn flour, instead of wheat. Joel can’t pronounce the brand name. He just knows it’s tucked behind a box of cereal in the cupboard downstairs – he hid it there so you wouldn’t find it and snuff out his plan.
His plan, which he now has to put into action. Without waking you. He’d lie here forever just staring at you, if he hadn’t sworn to himself to make good on his promise and cook you some damn pancakes.
So he slowly pulls his left hand from between yours, loosening your death grip, and steals it back across your waist. He does the same for his right arm – more careful, though, so he doesn’t tug on your hair. Like some kind of wild cat creeping through the jungle, every moment calculated and careful.
He bunches the comforter up a little at your back, so that if you do stir, it might feel like he’s still there. Still a weight, curving around you. He takes a good five minutes just to travel the length of the room – the lightest he’s ever walked, dodging the spots on the carpet that he knows make the floorboards squeal.
When the door gently clicks back into place, he heads downstairs. Cracks out his frying pan – non-stick, obviously – and all his ingredients, pulls the printed recipe from its hiding place between two cookbooks and lays it out on the counter, flattening the creases and unfolding the corners. And gets to it.
His first egg cracks messily over the lip of the bowl. The yolk runs down the outside, and he curses before swiping it back up with his index finger. The second egg empties fully inside the bowl, but drags with it tiny fragments of shell. Joel spends five minutes focusing on picking every single piece out of the mixture. He crouches to make sure he’s poured the exact amount of milk, eyes level with the top of the liquid, and he double checks every step before he follows it.
This has to be perfect. Has to be. For you.
The entire time, all he can think about is you asking to sleep with his body inside yours. Wanting him closer than you’d ever wanted him before, as close as he could physically be. Your sleepy voice circles between his ears on loop – want somethin’ else. That safe feeling creeps up on him all over again.
He knows he shouldn’t. He can’t. He’s spent the last month purposefully pushing those feelings down, dampening them anytime they rose to the surface. Only allowing himself to feel them, to acknowledge them, when you’re around. Because he can’t fucking help but acknowledge them when you’re here – they stare him straight in the face.
So he’d been making peace with letting the floodgates open just a little bit at a time – one quick rush whenever you’d give him one of your meaningful glances, when your hot skin would brush against his, when your mouth would fall open at the feeling of his first deep thrust inside you.
And then he’d bolt them back up.
Except that, now…he’s not sure the dam can hold much longer. There are cracks he’s not repairing quickly enough. Unintended consequences hammering against the other side of the stone in the form of angry white waves.
He’s staring at the beige circle of batter in the pan, swept off with the waves into someplace far from his kitchen, when the sound of your voice draws him back.
“Joel? You down there?”
The floorboards at the top of his stairs creak. You’re leaning over the banister.
“Yeah, darlin’, I’m here.” He slips halfway out of the kitchen door, closing it over his body in hopes you won’t smell the pancakes. You ask what he’s doing, and he says, “Just makin’ a coffee. You want anything brought up?”
“I’m good,” you reply. “’m gonna take a shower.”
“Alright, baby. There’s probably some stuff in Sarah’s bathroom you can use.”
He listens closely as your footsteps recede, waiting to hear the hum of his shower before he relaxes again, flipping the pancake over. It sizzles away as he runs one thick finger along the inside of the bowl and tastes his handiwork. Pretty damn good, he thinks. He’s sucking his finger clean when his cell goes.
Joel swipes to answer, and before he can utter a Hello?, your dad’s voice is screaming down the line to him.
“Mornin’, pal! You in? You up?”
He figures this is the infamous speakerphone you rambled for ten minutes about last night. Like a fucking foghorn, man. I’m deaf in this ear now.
He doesn’t wait for Joel to respond. “I was just passin’ by, remembered you got that leakin’ pipe, or whatever it is. Under your sink, right? You good for me to drop in ‘n take a look?”
“Uh – uh, I’m –” Joel stammers his way through a sentence he doesn’t know the ending of, slotting the phone between his cheek and his shoulder and giving the pan a rattle against the stovetop. He slips the spatula under the mixture, and when he flips it over, the pancake is charcoal black. “Fuck.”
“What’s that?” you dad roars, deafening in Joel’s ear. Fuckin’ speakerphone.
“Nothin’, it’s…” He sighs, accepting his new-found position: backed into a fucking corner. What’s new these days?
“Yeah, I’m up. See you in a bit.”
He hangs up the phone midway through an Alright, buddy from your dad, and whacks the chargrilled pancake on top of the pile. His phone surfs across the counter in a blur of blind panic, before Joel’s taking the stairs two at a time to get to you.
The door’s ajar. He can hear you quietly singing to yourself. Same song you’re always fucking singing, always trying to coax Joel into singing along with you. You’re humming the guitar solo when he whips the door open.
“Hey, hey,” he’s panting, taking your towel in one hand and reaching for the shower door with the other, a blur of movement before his eyes like he’s not in control of his own body. “Out.”
“Huh?” you reply, blinded by the soap suds running down your forehead and into your eyes.
“Baby,” Joel whispers, desperate, “you gotta get out. He’s here. Your damn dad’s here.”
He drags you over to the first place he spots: his closet. He knows it’s no fucking good, but he can hear your dad’s car squealing to a halt in his drive, and he’s in a blink panic wondering what artefacts, what evidence of your being here lie dotted around his house. Your bikini’s hanging up out back, there’s probably a hoodie still strewn over the back of his couch.
He doesn’t have time to think, though, because in the midst of his mental scan of every room whilst explaining to you what’s going on, your dad’s heavy boots just thudded onto his doormat.
“Miller?” he calls up the stairs. And Joel closes the closet over.
----------
He stands by the front door watching your dad’s car purr off down the street, waiting until it turns left and disappears behind the Dawsons’ back fence to shut the door. When he turns back into his hallway, the house is uncomfortably silent. You’re still up in his room.
The weight of your phone pulls at the waistband of his jeans. He slips his hand into his back pocket, fishes it out, and takes one step toward the stairs. The screen lights in his palm.
There’s a cluster of notifications from some film class group chat, a couple Snapchats from Sarah. A reminder to take your birth control from some pink-icon app, and then –
I’m heading over to Joel’s to check something out for him. Wanna meet me there?
He stares at it until the text burns into his eyes. Blinks, and it’s seared into his lids. His breath leaves his chest in a heavy, burdened sigh. It trembles as it pushes from his lungs. He feels something burning under his skin. All over.
He’s angry. And he’s trying to keep it contained.
Keep it where it lies, keep it beneath the surface. Stop it from pooling right behind his lips, collecting in the light of his eyes. Keep it from revealing itself. But when his foot lifts to the first step, it’s like a deadweight in the air.
He’s angry. But he’s fucking exhausted.
The bedroom is empty when Joel pushes the door open. You’re still hidden in the closet. You don’t look up at him when he pulls on the shuttered door, letting light flood across your hands, still covering your face. There are flicks of dripping wet hair peeking out from under the towel on your head.
He wants to put his arms around you. Wants to kiss you all over. Tell you, It’s okay, it’s alright. He didn’t see nothin’.
But he can’t. Because neither of those things are true.
Your dad saw the cowgirl hat. Hell of a lot like a hat my daughter has. It sent a sharpened bolt of panic through Joel’s body the second the words came tumbling out. He might’ve seen your bag lying at the bottom of the stairs. Might’ve passed your car on his drive here. There are so many loose fucking ends.
And more than that – harder to accept: maybe this isn’t okay anymore. Maybe it hasn’t been the entire time. And maybe, despite all his good efforts and the fucking way you make him feel, despite it being weeks now of tiptoeing and lying and covering your tracks – maybe you finally crossed a line.
He can’t look at you a second longer. His heart’s in his throat. If he opens his mouth to speak, he’ll probably choke. Break down. So he walks away.
You follow him downstairs a few minutes later, fully dressed and silent. Your touch sweeps across his shoulder blades, and it takes everything in him not to turn to you then and there. Come here, kiss me. Pretend none of it’s happening, just for a moment.
He sets your plate down in front of you. He’s taken the burnt pancake. He follows a pattern: cuts into the food, glances out to the backyard, and back to the plate. It’s the only thing keeping the words from rolling out onto the table in front of him. The only thing stopping him from –
You kick his leg. So gently, he barely feels it.
“You gonna eat?” he asks in response, chewing on the smoky flavor of burnt batter. Your hands hesitate, and he feels his own flinch as if to take them, rub them, squeeze them. And then he watches as you drag your knife through your own breakfast.
He wants you to yell at him. He wants to give meaning to the guilt he feels. He knows what’s coming, and he isn’t so sure that you do.
This is…impossible. It has been, from the start. Always sneaking off, coming up with excuses. So many fucking excuses, he can’t even keep them straight in his head anymore. She’s here, droppin’ my flannel off. Now we’re upstairs, I’m showin’ her my guitar. Need her to help with decorations. Your TV’s broken, did you know that? Don’t mind us, just sat in this private corner of my backyard, out of view of fucking everyone. I’ll pick her up from her rodeo night, take her home. She’s at Anna’s all day today, right?
And your dad – kind and naïve, or maybe just so fucking gullible that every single one lands like the flour did in the egg mixture. Just gracefully floats down into his brain, absorbs itself and folds perfectly into place.
So, yell at him. Get mad. Make him feel like the fucking asshole he knows he is. Leading you on, and letting you get close to him, and then when it gets too hard – pushing you away. Doesn’t matter if that’s what he did or not; doesn’t matter whether he did or didn’t mean it. He wants you to be mad at him. To justify what he’s about to do.
He slides you your phone. Motions for you to read it.
“Fuck…” you whisper, and then he thinks you get it.
But then you say, “…he didn’t see me, though. Right?” and his heart sinks.
No. He didn’t see you. But he saw so many little pieces of you, that Joel finds it impossible to consider that he isn’t already seeing the entire picture. He’s picturing your dad at home in the living room, one hand on his hip, the other running through his hair, adding two and two and two and two and –
You’re bickering. Actually arguing. He doesn’t know how to navigate it, save for letting the frustration take the wheel and drive the point home: you came too close to being caught.
You’re smarter than this, he knows you are. He knows that you can see plain as day, everything that he can. The bag, the hat, the fucking home-cooked breakfast sat on his kitchen counter. He’s watching you argue your point, hands dancing in the air animatedly, eyebrows lifting, eyes widening. Hear me out. Listen to me. Hear me out.
“I didn’t fucking mean to let him see the b–”
“That’s not the point,” Joel says, before he has time to stop himself.
“Then what’s your point?”
He feels his voice carry off into the air with the images racing around his head. Hank’s shadow under the door. The roar of voices downstairs as you climaxed. Your body pinned under Joel’s on your couch. The way the morning light screamed into the house as your front door burst open.
He doesn’t sound like he has much of a point, even to himself. He’s in it just as much as you are. He’s lied and he’s hidden just as much as you have, and made mistakes that are…worse, as far as he’s concerned.
And the worst one of all sits directly opposite him. Head low, eyes boring into the wood of his kitchen table. He can see the tears swelling across your waterline. Can feel the heat from here as it spreads across your face. Anger thrums through his chest again, and his teeth grit.
He murmurs, pushing himself up from the table and away from you. Tells you there’s some stuff he needs to see to. You’re mad about it, like he knew you would be. Like you should be. He promises he’ll be back in a couple hours; promises you’ll talk when he gets home.
And then he leaves.
----------
Clark’s is on the other side of town. It takes him nearly forty minutes to get there, and more than half of that time is spent staring at the tail lights of a Honda in front of him. Some accident up ahead. His eyes bore into the burning red strip of brake light until it’s singed into them, a blur of blue when he finally rips his glare away and stares up at the white sky.
He thinks about calling you. Saying, Hey, I’m stuck in traffic, talk to me, but he doesn’t. He just…doesn’t.
Instead, he wonders what you’re doing. Whether or not you’re still at his place. He wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t. But if you are – and he hopes you are – what are you doing?
He thinks: She’s on the couch. Bundled in blankets. Grey’s is on TV. She’s rewatchin’ her favorite episodes.
Least, that’s what he wants you to be doing. Wants you to be making yourself feel better, because he knows he was a complete ass earlier. You didn’t deserve any of it. Nothing that he didn’t deserve himself, just as much, anyway.
He thinks about coming home, and you hitting pause, pushing yourself off the couch and sauntering around to him. Wrapping him in the blanket until your bodies are pressed together under the woven red, and kissing him. Kiss me kiss me kiss me.
And the thought of you, standing on your tiptoes to press your soft lips to his, your fingers sifting through his hair, is like a cold pack on a searing wound. Dulls his anger, even if it’s just for a second.
His wide tires crawl silently across the smooth lot of the plant hire, parking right in front of the wire fence. The truck door slams shut when he gets out. He doesn’t mean it. Maybe he does. But he does it without thinking, and with a hot head, a temper sharper than nails, he strides over to the glass-paneled door and swings it open.
She’s sat behind the desk, same as always. Dark, deep auburn hair, groomed and set to perfection so that when she looks up, it doesn’t move an inch. Curls around the sweetheart shape of her face, smooth and shining. Her blue eyes twinkle in the glaring light from outside, and she stands.
She tugs lightly on the hem of her white blouse. You’d probably elbow him and say, That’s cream, not white. She smiles at him and it doesn’t look a thing like your smile. He doesn’t remember the last time he saw your smile. Fuck, he thinks, when did I last make her smile?
And he’s still wondering, when Lois says, “Hey, stranger,” and puts a gentle, pale, red-nailed hand down on the desk. “Long time, no see.”
“Yeah,” Joel grumbles, clearing his throat and glancing at the man in a pair of thick, steel-toe boots, sat in a waiting area to his left. He thinks it’s probably polite to ask how she is. It’s been seven weeks since he blew off her hint for a date.
“Good, thanks,” she replies, cheeks swelling even more. They’re lightly shaded crimson, a soft shimmer to them against her snowy skin, dappled with light freckles. “You?”
He nods once. “Good,” he echoes, not sure what else to say. He’s lying, and she doesn’t seem to figure him out the way you would.
No. Instead, Lois steps back, straightens up, and twirls the pen in her fingers. “What can I do ya for?”
“Got some equipment I’m after,” he mutters, hand slipping into his back pocket for his phone. Lois’s eyes flit up and down his body as he taps his passcode in with his thumb.
She asks him something, but it sounds like she’s speaking through a closed door. He’s elsewhere.
The phone unlocks, screen lifting to reveal the last open app: his camera roll. His thumbs hover over the screen, tracing where yours would’ve tapped last night.
The video’s muted, she won’t hear it even if he let it play, but he swipes away the second he recognizes the tangled mess of your hair, his fist locked tight in it. His own hair, salt and pepper buried deep in the crook of your neck.
Something in his chest aches. Pulls tight, hurts his heart. He takes a deep breath and scares the feeling away. He’s staring at his camera roll. Staring at twelve little square thumbnails – couple of them work stuff, couple of them lists of supplies he has to remember to pick up – and then. Then.
You. At the Hillcrest. Dimples in your cheeks. That’s what made him take his phone out. The soft dips in your skin that appear anytime you smile, laugh, sometimes even just when you talk. He’d first noticed them when you had a mouth full of pizza, chatting animatedly about Meredith and Derek, and he’s noticed them every time since.
He’d seen them, as you posed with Sarah for a selfie at lunch. And his hand had slipped into his pocket before his brain even had the chance to finish the thought.
His quiet way of marking how he felt in that moment. How his chest seemed to fill as if with air, or something thicker. Sweeter. Like it was trying to push words up, a comment to tell you how beautiful you looked. Trying to make him move, run his thumb light as air across that tiny valley in your cheek and look at you with eyes that translated the words hammering behind his eyes.
But you had company. And all he managed to do was take two fucking photos.
Lois talks again, and this time, there’s no closed door.
“Huh?” Joel’s head snaps up, takes a few seconds to focus on the red hair in front of him. “Sorry, Lois, sorry.”
“’s alright. You okay?” She’s smiling so warmly, so sincerely. And there are no dimples in her cheeks.
“Yeah,” he clears his throat, “just checkin’ for the address.”
She holds out a pad, a stack of hire agreement forms hovering between her body and his, but he’s not looking. He’s still scrolling through his phone, thumbs searching your dad’s text thread for the information. Lois lowers the pad to the counter, places the pen on top. Fiddles with it until it’s lined up with the top of the form perfectly.
Then Joel looks up, and she smiles again.
“Not for you, then?” she asks.
He shakes his head. “Just the messenger.”
“Got it. Well, you know what you’re doing. Let me know if you need anything.”
Lois takes a step back, eyes still on Joel, who smiles politely, then swipes the form from the desk and takes a seat between Steel-Toe Boots and some tall, leafy plant that he has to bat away when he sits down. He’s copying the site address, phone resting on his thigh, when the receptionist speaks again.
“How’s Sarah doin’? She home yet?”
“Yeah,” Joel replies, “been home a couple weeks now. She’s been in Nashville this weekend.”
Lois lifts her head, blinking slowly. “Nashville. Nice. So, you’ve had a weekend to yourself.”
He scoffs. “Yeah,” he croaks.
“And what does Joel Miller get up to when he has an empty house for a few days?”
His fingers squeeze around the pen, pushing deeper into the paper. His expression hardens. “Nothing excitin’ enough to share. Sat by the pool yesterday. Was nice out.”
She agrees. “Sure was. You have company?”
Joel shakes his head once. Blinks the image of you and your red bikini from his vision. Focuses on dragging the pen one digit at a time across the line labeled Phone Number. If he cared enough, he’d give the obvious hint a couple seconds’ consideration, even just to protect Lois’s pride a little.
But he doesn’t care. And right now, he ain’t interested in protecting anyone but you.
“Nope. Just me ‘n a few beers.”
“Better off that way,” a hoarse, forty-cigs-a-day voice rasps from his right. “Less fuckin’ problems.”
Joel’s jaw rotates a degree towards the work boots; notices the folds of dry, leathery skin piled atop the raised gray eyebrows of their owner, and then turns back silently.
Lois clears her throat awkwardly. “Well, I spent the day with my book. I’m readin’ a Colleen Hoover. Adam’s at camp, so – quiet house for me, too.”
Joel finds himself nodding. Autopilot. He’s pretending he’s listening.
You’re still in his sight, wandering over from the sliding kitchen doors, a bottle in each hand. He can hardly see you when he looks up, the sun’s so bright. You hold a beer out, condensation dripping down your fingers towards Joel’s when he takes it, and then you slump down in the sun lounger next to his.
His arm reaches across, and your small fingers wrap and then unwrap around his, running across his knuckles, nails lightly scratching his worked hands. And he’s smiling, and he doesn’t even notice it until his eyes meet yours and you laugh, and he asks, What? through a chuckle, and you say, Nothin’, you just look happy.
Your dimpled blush blurs back into checkboxes and scrawled handwriting. You’re gone again. He’s in a white office, and the gentle lapping of the water on the pool’s edge fades into the headache noise of a fan humming, and he feels the warmth of your gaze on his skin turn into the cold, harsh spotlight glare of Lois’s eyes on him.
He looks up. She’s still smiling. At this point, he finds it fucking unnerving.
He rises from his chair, swings a wandering leaf from that ugly green plant out of his way and paces back over to the desk, sliding the pad back across to her. Their hands brush as she takes it from his grip, and he pulls his wrist close to his body. Lois doesn’t seem to notice.
She’s running the pen down the form, checking everything he’s filled in. Her tongue moves around the inside of her cheek, sucking on a hard candy. “Delivery on Friday?” she double checks, and Joel nods. “Alright,” she says, tearing away his copy, “we’ll call ya.”
“’ppreciate it,” he mumbles, folding the paper into his back pocket.
She turns, reaching to slip the form into a blue tray, and Joel pauses. Thinks to say something – he hopes Adam has a fun time at camp, or that Lois enjoys the rest of her quiet week. But then he sees you sat opposite him, staring fixedly at the plate before you, tears threatening to spill down your cheeks. He feels your hand laced in his, hears your laugh still ringing in his ears.
He misses you. He should never have left you. You matter more to him than some equipment for a site. Matter more to him than anything. He should’ve never fucking left.
Joel nods. Reaches for the handle of the door. Glances back to Lois. “There a florist anywhere near here?”
----------
He pulls the truck in alongside the florist. Teal window frames, a little pink door. He can hear you now. How fucking cute is that store? Give me your phone, I gotta get a picture. Mine’s is in my bag in the back. Look, the traffic’s movin’, Joel, give me your phone – quick!
His fingers hook around the silver door handle. He pats his jeans once – wallet’s right there – and goes to pull, when his cell vibrates from the center console. He can see himself in the glass screen, your dad’s name written across the reflection of his forehead.
He bites down on his lip. Hard. Glances up to the road ahead. Blinks. And decides to answer.
“Joel,” your dad chirps down the line. “Sorry, buddy, you’ll be sick a’ the sight ‘n sound of me today.”
Joel manages a convincing laugh. “What’s up?”
“Just makin’ sure you’re rememberin’ to put Friday’s date down for delivery on that order. We’re gonna need the stuff over the weekend, so.”
“Yep. Just been to do it right now. Friday’s date, Harvey’s site, your card details ‘n everything.”
“’attaboy. Good job. You’re all grown up.”
“Funny.”
“Thanks, pal. I appreciate it. There wasn’t no chance I was gettin’ time to do it myself,” he lowers his voice, “I’m still stuck here with Kelman.”
Joel’s fingers trace around his steering wheel. “Oh, yeah? He keepin’ you busy?”
“You bet. Had to haggle with ‘im just to get a lunch break. Speakin’ of – I swung by the house and that daughter of mine wasn’t home. Haven’t seen or heard from her since yesterday mornin’. I’m just checkin’ she ain’t stop by to see Sarah or som’?”
His fingers lock tight around the leather. “Sarah’s still in Nashville, she gets in tonight. Couldn’t tell you where yours is. I’m not home yet, so.”
It’s a half-truth. He could wager a pretty good guess, but he can’t be certain, can he?
Your dad chuckles down the line. “She spent the night at Anna’s. My house must be like prison to her – she’s never around anymore. I’ll hear from her soon, I’m sure. Alright. Thanks, again, Joel.”
He drops the phone back into the cupholder with a sigh, leaning back against the headrest to stare at the roof of the truck. He’s still picturing you in his living room, head turning to the street at every sound of a car door, or tires rolling by. And then the image is marred by your dad, peering in the window back at you, catching you wrapped up in a situation you shouldn’t be in.
He doesn’t want your dad to find out. For obvious reasons. Because it would mean the collapse of their friendship, the collapse of the world they built between them – for you, for Sarah, for themselves. Comfortability, and normalcy, and routine and order all thrown to the wind on account of some month-long fling.
But more important than all of that: it would mean dragging you into all of that, too. Fucking up your relationship with your dad. Making things weird between you and Sarah. Ruining whatever’s left of what you and Joel had, before you both took it too far.
And if he doesn’t want all that – if he doesn’t want your dad finding out – then something has to change. Something’s gotta stop.
His fingers wrap tight around the key and turn, and the truck jumps to life. He turns away from the teal-colored florist as he pulls off.
----------
You take it about as well as he reckoned you might. About as well as you should, given the circumstances. He isn’t surprised, and he doesn’t blame you. He’s probably on your side, when you argue back with him.
“You’re not serious, right? Joel. You’re not –”
“Kid, I…”
“No. What? Because of a fucking bag?”
He lifts his gaze and pleads with you. “Because of the lying.”
You’re right, with your response: it’s never been an issue until now. He’s been more than fucking happy to sneak off, take you as his own, and then return with a satisfied grin and a mouth full of excuses to feed your company. He almost agrees.
It’s just: this time, your dad’s at your heels like a bloodhound. A little less sharp, maybe. Blind as a fucking bat, sure. But he can smell something’s up. And he’s circling it, nose to the ground, drawing nearer and nearer to the pair of you with each step.
You ask if he wants to tell the truth. That thought scares him just as much. Knocks him back a few steps. No, he doesn’t want to come clean.
The words fly back and forth like a tennis match. Too fast for him to keep control of what he’s saying and how you’re hearing it. He wants to break it off – is there anything to break off? – but he doesn’t want to lose you – how can you lose something you never had? – and then: did he ever have you in the first place?
You’re standing over him, between his knees. “End it,” you tell him. “I’ll go.”
There’s a casualness in the loose shrug of your shoulders that scares him more than the prospect of you actually leaving. How easy it looks like it could be, for you to just wander out. Sling your bag over your shoulder and revert back to the start of the summer, when he was just a ride home after a rainy day at work.
Forget how to touch him the way he’s certain only you can, forget the secret language between you, forget every stolen glance and whispered word and every thought that ever translated from your brain to his as easy as they would pass between your lips.
“You don’t mean nothin’ to me? That what you think?” He’s laughing. Disbelief, fear, shock. Whichever one it is, it pulls across his cheeks painfully. Somehow, you’ve ended up at the foot of his bed.
“Well, what else am I supposed to take from this, asshole? That you’re fuckin’ in love with me?”
It’s cold water over an already-dying fire. The words smother into ash on his tongue. No more come to the front. He just stares at you. His phone starts to chitter out into the silence between you.
You take a step forward. Your voice is low. “You don’t get to do this, you know. You don’t get to pull me in and then drop me…once you’re done with me.”
“Don’t.”
It’s not much, but it soars from the pit of his stomach, through his throat and past his lips like a final arrow. All he can muster up.
“Don’t.”
There’s a weight where the words originate from. Something deep in his gut, an ache pulling its way upward, swelling across his chest. His ears are screaming.
Of all the things you might think – he’s an asshole, he’s a liar, he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing – the worst one would be that he spent this entire time leading you on. Making you feel special. Making you think you were something to him.
You are something to him. You’re – you’re fucking everything to him. It’s why he’s doing this, right? Going against every instinct, every gut feeling. To protect you. To do what’s right by you. He’s not fucking done with you. He wonders if he’ll ever go another day in his life without thinking about you.
“I can’t read your mind anymore…” you whisper, and his lungs steal a breath. His lack of response flattens your expression.
Joel might not be done, but you are.
He can feel you slipping from his grasp like sand through his knuckles. Each grain rocking itself loose, choosing to throw itself to the depths below rather than spend another second wrapped in his clutch.
He’s trying so desperately to hold onto you. Listen to me, he thinks, and he knows you can’t hear him anymore. Because now you’re really going – you’re tripping out of his room. Your heel catches on the threshold, like one last-ditch attempt from fate to pull you back into him, but you stop yourself and spin, fleeing down the hallway.
He takes a loose grasp of your wrist, fingers barely meeting on the other side of your skin before you tear it away from him like he’s scalded you. The look on your face makes him think for a moment that he might actually have done it – burned you. Pained you. Raised the skin below your gentle palm in a furious, red glow.
He’s swapping words out like they’re tools, each one immediately breaking and being flung back into the box. He’s trying any combination, any useless, futile order of words to make you stop in your tracks. You know how much I care about you, ‘s why I’m doin’ it, baby, come back, we can talk about this.
And he opens his mouth to give voice to the only words he knows would stop you – the reason why he’s doing it in the first place, the only thought he’s had anytime he’s looked at you for the last couple weeks. He opens his mouth to say it, or say something like it, when the machine silences the ringtone and the pair of you, too.
Her voice is like ice down the back of his shirt. He stares at the machine, red light blinking like a rag to a bull. He could walk over to it and smash the ever-loving fuck out of it with his fists until it’s dust on his coffee table. Until it shuts the fuck up, stops interfering with his fucking business.
And then he thinks about Lois, and her cream blouse, and her red nails, and her big, blue eyes, and her soft drawl and everything about her that is so entirely opposite to everything about you.
And how much – despite how nice and friendly, or funny and good-natured she is – how much he hates her right now, and how much he fucking loves you.
But you’re gone, now. Washed away by the tide. No more sand in Joel’s palm.
He tries to stop it. Tries to wind back a little, tries to make the sea cough up what it just stole from him. Give her back, you fuck. His eyes are stinging like salt water. Why are they stinging? There’s a roaring in his ears – the waves laughing in his face. Sickly and deafening.
He’s doing his best to keep a hold on his trembling voice. He knows he sounds pathetic. But yours is louder, stronger, steadier. And when you talk, it’s with an air of finality. Like you’re turning over the horizon. The last time he’ll ever see you again.
“I’ll see you ‘round, Joel.”
----------
He doesn’t call or text you that night. He doesn’t know what he’d say. Doesn’t even know where he’d begin. You’re mad, and Joel figures you got every right to be. This entire thing – today, this weekend, the whole month you’ve been together – is one big fucking mess.
He spends the afternoon hunched over his kitchen table, trying to distract himself with work. Twirling a pencil between his fingers, reading three, four, sometimes five times over the same building plans before deciding that the words and numbers won’t fucking sink in. He leaves them strewn across the table, wanders aimlessly upstairs and takes a cold shower.
Sarah’s flight gets in at 8PM. Joel’s sat curbside, truck engine humming, scanning every single figure that walks out of the airport building. When he spots the gray hoodie, the brown hair tied back with a pink scrunchie, the much-too-big-for-four-days-away suitcase rolling at her heels, he gets out.
She hugs her friends, they nod in passing greeting to him, and she skips over.
“Hey,” he breathes as she wraps her arms around his waist. “How was your flight? Saw you comin’ in.”
She shrugs in response. “I’m hungry. Wanna go get McDonald’s?”
Joel grumbles, slotting her case in the back of the truck. “You don’t wanna get home? Take a shower first? You smell like plane.”
“Ha! No.”
She opens the passenger side door and hoists her foot up on the seat, retying her sneaker. Joel’s already in and buckled up, hands on the wheel, watching her blue nails loop the laces.
“There’s one, like, ten minutes away.”
He’s shaking his head. “We got food in the house.”
Her gaze lifts. Her foot drops. “Oh, c’mon, it’s on the way home. We’ll be, like, five minutes. I just got off a two-hour flight, dude, right through dinner. I’m starving, I –”
“Would you just get in the damn truck, Sarah?”
It’s shorter, snappier, angrier than he meant. But he’s parked in the middle of the packed pick-up area, and the rattling of suitcase wheels and the whistling of cab drivers and the fucking roaring of planes overhead are making the headache behind his eyes worse.
Sarah freezes, one arm still leaning on the doorframe. “Jesus. What the fuck?”
“Sorry,” Joel mutters, shaking his head. “Sorry. Just – get in.”
“No need to be an asshole about it,” she murmurs, pulling herself up into the passenger seat.
Joel’s face is in his hands, elbows atop the steering wheel. “I’m not tryna be an asshole,” he says into his palms.
His daughter looks at him. Concerned. “Somethin’ happen? While I was gone?”
He shakes his head again.
Nothing happened.
He’s quiet the rest of the night. The rest of the week. Sarah notices, he knows she does, because she pries. In her own way. She’s smarter than he is. Less obvious.
She’s already up and in the kitchen when he rises on Tuesday morning. Spins around at the toaster, tells him the machine’s ready for his coffee. Asks if he wants her to make it. Asks if he wants any breakfast.
Thanks, kiddo. No, I’ll get it. No, you’re good, thanks.
They sit opposite one another in silence, save for the crunching of Sarah’s toast. He can feel her eyes on him, same way he felt Lois’s. Trying to burrow deep inside, take a look at his brain. Catch a glimpse of the words he’s thinking over and over and over.
There ain’t no words, though. It’s just images. Video replay of your back as you strode down his driveway, the way the wind caught your hair and brushed your cheek, the way your hand came up to wipe your tears. And the way he stood there, like a fucking idiot, and did nothing.
His chest hurts any time he thinks about you. Pulls in, knits itself together in knots. He’s good at pushing feelings down, good at turning them away from the sunlight like faded pebbles. But this is different. It’s a different kind of hurt.
It’s unresolved, it’s an open wound. It’s you. And it’s every time he hears REO Speedwagon, every time he pulls a flannel over his shoulders and catches the scent of your perfume on it, every time he’s flicking through the TV and catches a flash of a hospital setting, it’s a pair of hands deep inside the wound, pulling it a little wider.
It aches. It stings and it aches and it winds.
And then he turns the pebbles around. Back to the shade. Over and over and fucking over.
On Wednesday night, he caves. Asks Sarah if she’s spoken to you.
She’s chewing on a slice of pizza; licks the grease from her fingertips before she answers. “Not really. She’s been quieter than usual. Why?”
“She’s been quieter than usual?” he repeats, playing off the way his head shot up by looking straight back down at the pizza box.
Sarah narrows her eyes. “Yeah. I figure she’s working a lot.”
“Right. Right.”
“She gets tired of being in the house all the time, I think. Getting treated like a kid still. So I guess the more time she can spend outta there, the better.”
Joel nods slowly. He already knows that much.
Sarah studies him. Watches his hands as he dabs a pizza crust into the dip. When he tosses it in his mouth, he looks back up at her.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she says. “You want the last slice?”
“You take it,” he mutters, sitting back and wiping his hands on a napkin. “I’m stuffed.”
She hums, reaching forward. “Whatever it is,” she says, pulling the dough apart, “that’s got you this down –”
“Ain’t nothin’ got me down, kiddo.”
“– whatever it is,” she continues, “I bet it works itself out.”
Sarah stands up, taking her water with her, and wanders out of the kitchen.
----------
Joel struggles through another sleepless night, Thursday through Friday. His eyes don’t close over once. He hauls himself out of bed early in the morning, forces a black coffee down his throat, and heads off to work.
He’s up at some new client in Waco. Andrew Curtis – or, well, Andrew Curtis’s father, but Joel’s been dealing primarily with the son, and the guy’s a fucking imbecile. Doesn’t know his head from his ass, probably. And he has a voice like nails on a damn chalkboard, and his shirt’s untucked around the back, but Joel ain’t got a tone kind enough, or half the wordsmanship, or an ounce of energy to tell him.
Anyway – he spends all day at this dusty site, trying to work and instead, thinking about whatever the fuck you’re doing. Wherever you are, whoever you’re with. It’s almost seven by the time he’s leaving, packing up his truck and watching Andrew Curtis across the yard. He’s spotted his own shadow; he’s twisting around to reach the ducktail poking out from above his belt loops.
Joel thinks to call you about it on the way home. Tell you all about the guy: his dry conversation, his flannel, the fact he kept calling Joel Joe all day. He figures it would make you laugh, least the way he’d tell it, and he reckons that’s exactly what you need right now. That’s exactly what he needs, right now.
When Clark’s call him, he dials your dad. Has his ear blown half to hell by the speakerphone. Learns midway through the conversation that you’re right there in the car, too, and bites back a stream of incoherent, senseless words. Settles for a quiet reminder: he’s right here if you need him.
He doesn’t expect you to take him up on it. Knows you got better things to do than deal with some asshole who’d rather break your heart than have a few difficult conversations. You’re probably having fun, probably finally feeling good again. You’re probably fine.
But still. He doesn’t sleep that night, either.
It’s just gone two when Anna calls. He’s lying in bed, some shopping network on loop on the TV. His tired eyes bore into the screen, defocusing over the pixels, not watching nor listening and barely fucking breathing until he picks up the phone. Her voice is panicked, shrill, and shaking so much he wonders if his own phone is trembling with it.
“Mr. Miller?” she asks, and Joel sits up. “Got your number from Yelp. ‘m sorry it’s so late, it’s…oh, fuck – it’s, like, 2AM.”
“Anna,” Joel says hoarsely. Get to the fuckin’ point.
“Right. Sorry. It’s just…we kinda have a…situation, here.”
It’s you. He fucking knows it’s you. His heart begins to hammer. He doesn’t give a fuck whether she puts two and two together or not when he asks –
“Where is she?”
“We’re still at Frank’s,” Anna says, sniffing. He can hear the booming bassline of music, muffled; the sharper chatter of voices. She’s on the street. In his head, he can see her shoulders hunched; her bare arms wrapped around her body for warmth. She goes to say it again. “We’re still at –”
“’n where is she?” Joel cuts, and she finally cracks.
In one long, drawn breath, she spills. “She was fucked from the second we walked in here; she drank too much too quick, Mr. Miller – Joel,” she says when he corrects her, “and then she just – I dunno, she just – fucking disappeared with these guys, me ‘n Kara never saw ‘em in our lives – and they went upstairs we think, and she came back smelling like weed, and then this guy – he just, like, scooped her off, Mr. M– I mean Joel, like, totally dragged her away, and then –”
“Who–? Anna – Anna, wait,” Joel says, shushing her between her rambling, trying to rein in what she’s saying. When she finally shuts up, he speaks slowly and calmly. “Who dragged her away?”
“We don’t fuckin’ know!” she almost shrieks down the line. It cuts out for a second and Joel’s heart stops dead.“– so we don’t know,” she says when her voice filters back through into his ear, “but Sam said he saw the dude drop something in her bottle when he turned away. A pill or something.”
Joel’s body tenses. Freezes solid, with the blood in his veins. His eyes fix on one spot on his dresser: the loose handle that sits a little squint. He stares at it until his peripheral starts to blur.
“He – say that again?”
“He roofied her, we think. But we can’t fucking find them. Sam and Kara are in there just now looking. The guy pulled her away, that’s what I’m tryna say!”
“Right,” whispers Joel, nodding. He drags a heavy hand over his eyes, tries to push the image of you in danger out of his head for one second so he can figure out what to do.
Anna doesn’t hear him. She keeps talking. “…and then Sam said she told him not to call her dad, but I had to call someone, y’know? You’re the only person I think she wouldn’t – I think she wouldn’t mind me callin’. Please.”
He’s already halfway down the stairs, arms pushing through the sleeves of his shirt. He keeps the phone against his cheek when he bends to reach for his boots, ties them loose and grabs his keys.
“You call me as soon as you find her, you hear? I’m on my way,” he tells Anna, and hangs up.
He’s panicking. Fear, transferred between her cell and his, creeping over his shoulders, wrapping long, cold fingers around his throat. He’s panicking. He’s panicking. He never panics. Where the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you with?
There’s barely any traffic on the road, but the drive takes for-fucking-ever. The lights at the side of the road blur into long, thin streaks of orange. His hands are tight around the steering wheel, his jaw clenched. Your name lies loose on his lips.
He pulls up right outside the bar. There are small clusters of people, congregated tight together under the streetlights; cigarettes hanging from lips, bottles loose in hands. He shoves by them on his way to the door. Some guy shuffles out of his way, looking up to cuss Joel out and quickly dipping his head again when he locks eyes with the grizzly expression.
He shoves the door open with his shoulder, and spots you instantly.
----------
His knuckles are throbbing. Skin stretching anytime he moves his hand, searing hot and sharply stinging across the bone. Your touch is the only thing soothing them right now.
He got two good punches in. Just two. Burst the guy’s nose. He would’ve kept going, had he not been in a bar full of people – people who knew who he was – and had you not been stood behind him, body liquid-like from how much you were swaying.
But he has you home now. Up in your room, settled in bed. You’re safe. You’re with him.
You’re fucking wasted. Like, can barely lift a glass of water to your lips unaided wasted. He spent the entire drive watching over you, stealing glances when your head turned or your eyes lulled closed, checking you were still awake, still talking, still fucking breathing.
Whatever that asshole gave you, you don’t seem to have had enough for it to do too much damage. The alcohol is the real culprit. Though you were cognitive enough to yell at him over Lois in the kitchen, which relieved him for a second before it fucking crushed him. He’s lying awake right now – listening to the sound of your snoring – replaying the argument in his head. Over and over.
You’re an asshole and a liar. Just stringing me along this whole time.
He’s some awful cocktail of angry and terrified and fucking heartbroken. You’re lying inches from him, your hand resting softly on top of his, and yet – you’re miles away. The space between you both – fragmented, treacherous.
In a perfect world, he’d have wrapped his arms around your shoulders. He’d have pulled you against his weight, against his strong, steady form. And he’d have walked you, as slow as you needed, out of the bar and to his truck. Maybe laughing. Maybe singing.
He’d have told you everything was fine, told you he loved you, told you he was gonna get you home, make you feel better. He’d hold you until the sun came up, and then hold you until it went back down.
He’d love you. And you’d let him.
Maybe that world doesn’t exist, Joel thinks. And maybe that’s for the better.
It fucking hurts, though. Stings like a hot blade through his chest. All this time, messing around, pretending there was nothing more to it. Letting his feelings through like water in a fucking dam. It was bound to break eventually.
And maybe he really thought, even just for a fleeting moment, there could be something here. Something worth holding onto. More than two idiots messing around, more than sex and secrecy.
He didn’t even realize. Didn’t notice the shift. When did he start feeling…more? When did it cross that line?
He’s staring at the end of your bed. Thinking about you under him, gripping onto his shirt, his hand between your legs. The very first time. And every other fucking time since then. Which one was the threshold? Who pushed who?
His ringtone bursts through the silence, making him jump. His arm swings to fish it from the nightstand, swiping to answer before he’s even read who’s calling, just to shut the thing up.
“Hello?” he murmurs.
“Hey, Joe? Uh, I mean, Joel? It’s Andrew Curtis here.”
He rolls his eyes. For fuck’s sake. “Mornin’, Andrew.”
“Hi. Sorry, I know it’s super early. I’m just checkin’ we’re still good to go. I got my guys ready, we’re rarin’ to get goin’ whenever you are.”
Joel clears his throat, pushing slowly off the plush mattress, resting your hand on the sheets. “Yeah, uh…” He slips out of your room, hopping over to the bathroom and closing the door over. “…I had a, uh…a family emergency durin’ the night. I’m gonna be a little late, but I’ll be there.”
“Oh, gee, I hope everything’s alright?”
He phrases it like he wants Joel to clue him in. He considers for a second actually saying, Yeah, my best friend’s daughter – who I’ve been sleeping with for the last month – got plastered at a bar – Frank’s, local place, you heard of it? – because I broke things off with her – but I didn’t want to, I was just tryna be fuckin’ noble – and I went and picked her up, punched a guy who was tryna hurt her, because guess what, Andrew – I’m in fuckin’ love with her.
He sums it up with: “Yeah. Everything’s fine now. Thanks.”
“Alright, well, great news! Call me when you’re twenty minutes out, I’ll have the guys here for you arrivin’. Safe journey, Joe!”
Joel breathes an Uhuh and hangs up, holding the bridge of his nose. He has a headache, like he’s the one who’s been drinking. It’s only going to get worse, too, heading off to go spend his Saturday with Andrew fucking Curtis and his loose flannel.
The sun’s rising slowly, lighting the hall in a warm glow. Joel pads quietly into your room and pulls the cover back over his side of the mattress. You stir; your head jerks only to move some hair from your face, and then you sigh, sleep pulling you back into its arms.
He watches you for a second. Wishes he could run a light hand down your cheek, kiss your head. Whisper a goodbye, the same way you did to him almost a week ago.
He shakes the thought, collecting his boots from the floor. His hand hovers over his shirt for a moment. And then he lifts it by the collar, lays it neatly on the pillow by your head, and leaves. You can keep it, trash it, burn it. But it’s yours. Everything about him is yours.
In the kitchen, he stands by the sink, nursing a cup of coffee. It’s a quarter to six. This early on a Saturday, he figures he’ll be in Waco by seven, seven-thirty latest. His eyes fix on the spot you two stood last night, yelling back and forth about Lois. She seems so far away, now. He can barely remember the shape of her face, the sound of her voice.
His grip tightens around the mug. He places it in the sink, and grabs his keys. As he passes the stairs, he pauses. Leans on one foot, head tilted to listen out for any sound of life. Any fucking sound – the creak of a floorboard, the squeak of a door handle. Anything to keep him here. Anything.
Nothing comes. No sound, no movement, no you.
He closes the front door gently on his way out.
----------
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the reason a lot of transmascs experience some level of regret/depression after medical transitioning is, imo, the exact reverse of the reason TERFs think we transition in the first place.
TERF beliefs are generally that transmascs dysphoria is actually a natural uncomfortableness with how misogynistic society defines women, and that our transition is an attempt to conform to the idea that being nonfeminine means you aren't a "real" woman, instead of realizing that we only hate ourselves because society tells us women like us shouldn't exist, and actually radical feminism is the real liberation.
but for example: when i first starting on T, every change was 100% pure joy. i was so ecstatic, everything was amazing and wonderful. i truly loved everything.
but then the longer I was on it, the more transandrophobia I encountered because I was on T. I started feeling more and more ashamed of having hair on my arms, my thin facial hair, my "tranny voice". Things that made me really excited before starting making me a little bit uncomfortable because of how society treated it. It was literally like Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria but exactly the opposite.
Now this wasn't and isn't as strong as the gender euphoria T has brought me, and it hasn't caused me a lot of real "oh no do I regret this" distress because I have been able to immediately recognize that I am only uncomfortable because of how people started treating me differently. But especially for transmascs without support systems, without understanding our own internalized transphobia, can very easily feel a lot of trauma associated with transitioning because of the way that society treats trans men. when every change of your body is met with mockery and scorn and disgust, its natural to get affected.
and this is why its so fucked up when other trans people share stuff about how "soo many trans men are gonna regret T because they're all stupid little girls who think T is gonna make them sexy yaoi boys, since they all have no idea what it's like to really be men and just fetishize gayness!" because you are literally the reason. People mock and shame trans men, they make spaces hostile for anyone with a testosterone-dominant body, they act hostile to trans men and our experiences constantly. and then when trans men internalize that disgust and blame ourselves for how other people treat us because of our transition, those same people turn around and use that as a way to further mock us.
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Your back! Hi! :D
Ok, the guys adore and are protective of their female human best friend (fem reader). She shares a strong bond with them, and they with her. So, if she ever gets injured or sick, the guys are protective for a while.
She is ready to help them again (as much as she can with being a human and all) but what she doesn't realize is that this time it's close to their spring season, making them very protective, territorial, and aggressive to outsiders.
How would this play out as they are close to their primal time of the year, and she wants to go with them as they're about to leave on patrol, but they won't let her? Fluffy ending. 🥺(maybe some turtle noises and behaviors too)
Protective TMNT headcanons—reader wants to come on patrol
Bayverse, 2003, or 2012 if it suits ya. 🤷♀️. SFW! Mentions of "spring season" for the boys but nothing s*xual. hope u like it @pokemew119 !
Leonardo:
• Like Leonardo, we'll be straight to the point with this one—he's not going to want you going out with them. Normally, he doesn't want you to. Now he really doesn't want you to
• Due to their biology, springtime can be pretty dreadful for the bunch (for Splinter, too, he's the one having to manage them). Aggression, sensitivity, protectiveness, fussing over their rooms, etc. So you asking Leo to go out on their nightly patrol with them was a "this really isn't a good time" moment for him
• "The Lair is warm and safe, why would you want to come out here, anyways? Leave the fighting to me. That's what I'm here for, that's my job."
• Can be a little bit of an ass about it ngl, because he just wants to know you're home with someone he actually trusts to protect you, their father
• You heard Leo bark your name as you started up the ladder out of the sewers. Blue eyes giving you a suspicious look. You were trying to sneak topside so you'd be out there before he was able to protest. "No, no, go ask Master Splinter to show you some stuff if you want something to do so badly."
• Pats you along back to the Lair, watching to make sure you actually go back inside
• If you DO end up out there with them, he's going to be stressing a little more than usual about the setup because it throws him off having someone he feels he needs to constantly look out for, unlike his brothers who are more or less self-sufficient. But you bet you're always going to be his first priority, no hesitation
Michelangelo:
• For once, the heightened senses of springtime had Mikey thinking slightly more rationally than usual
• "Babycakes, you sure you want to come? It's ugly out there, smells bad, full of dudes always asking for a beat-down, maybe you should stay." Ruffles your hair for reassurance. "We can play games when I get back!"
• Secretly tries to dissuade you from even wanting to go out with them in the first place with promises of fun back at home
• If you do go anyways, he's taking every chance to show off his nunchaku skills
• Gets annoyed at his siblings for taking your attention away from him (oop there's the possessiveness)
• Very touchy, constantly hanging off of you or trying to play-fight, sit close to you on the sofa, scoot his chair towards you at dinner, etc.
• You ask if you can go with them on their way out and you catch Mikey
• He smiles big and sheepishly shakes his head, "Sorry, y/n, not tonight! You're kickin' back in my beanbag tonight and hanging out, not running around New York." End of conversation. You try to say something, he interrupts you, thumping your shoulder. "I'll text you! See ya, angel!"
• More passive about his protectiveness and isn't so outright about it like Leo, but on the inside, still doesn't fully understand why he feels that way (even though Donnie has explained over and over again)
Donatello:
• "You want to come out with us? Not gonna work, y/n, this is real stuff," he said amicably, raising his brow ridges. "There's been a three-point-four percent increase in crime rate just around the next four blocks, and that's with us kicking tail every other night. Statistically, you're liable to become a target and..."
• Donnie gets real irritable in spring and tends to avoid his brothers, argues with Leo about about their rooming situation bc he wants to be alone (except for with you)
• Sets up an entire cozy corner in his lab for you to chill in while he's gone and hopes you'll use it, even though he'd definitely rather be home and not topside at this time
• When you ask him to tag along on their patrol, he starts spouting off all the reasons you shouldn't and ultimately wins that debate
• Compromises by letting you man his tracking/observation station and communicating with them on their missions from the sewers
• He actually loves knowing you're on tap while he's out in the city and he can just radio in whenever he feels like it
• "See, isn't being our control center way better?"
Raphael:
• Raph already has a huge attitude problem, make that tenfold in spring.
• Gets waaaaay too overprotective at times, verges on bothersome levels of spazzing over what you do and where you go
• "You wanna go on patrol? With us? Just, out in New York City? With the Foot? Ahah, ain't happening, y/n. 'You said 'maybe' last time?' Well, I'm sayin' no, this time. You'll be bored?" He shrugs. "Watch TV or something. But you're not comin'."
• If you do somehow manage to go (highly unlikely), he's going to be grumpy and complain the whole time because he's secretly just worried and his hormones are out of whack
• Gets overly aggressive defending you from anything and probably stirs up more conflict over it tbh
• "It ended up fine that time, but don't do that again, ya hear?" He doesn't want to seem like he cares too much, so he flicks your head. (That man is head over heels for you)
#tmnt#teenage mutant ninja turtles#tmnt x reader#tmnt 2016#tmnt 2014#tmnt bayverse#tmnt 2003#tmnt 2012#tmnt leonardo#tmnt raphael#tmnt donatello#tmnt michelangelo#tmnt leo#tmnt raph#tmnt mikey#tmnt donnie#tmnt headcanons#tmnt requests#donatello#leonardo#raphael#michelangelo
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The Strictness of Saturn: Giga Chads, Scammers & Spiritual Gurus
Lately, I have been contemplating the energies of Saturn and how it manifests in men and it brought me to the realization that Saturnian men are the type of men that other men idolize and look up to. There are always certain male celebrities that other men fawn over but women dgaf about and they usually tend to be Saturnian as well. Why do men worship Saturnian men? For starters, the world we live is a deeply Saturnian one, with law and order, systems and regulations and structure. The general narrative is that in order to be successful in life, you have to "hustle and grind" and work hard and that you'll be rewarded for it. This is essentially the theme of Saturn. Saturn is also a masculine planet and a malefic. We live in a capitalist society where the working culture is designed with men in mind. Be it the 9 to 5 or the culture of conquest and domination (in business, politics, colonization etc) are all aggressively yang. You do all of it to make more profit to buy/accumulate more stuff, this is a deeply patriarchal worldview because yang energy is one that is fixated on "accumulation". Therefore to thrive in this world, its important to have a strong Saturn and the kind of people who thrive in this set up, aka men, look up to and admire other men who exemplify such Saturnian qualities.
I'm going to start with the most notorious example of this Saturn worship by men
Andrew Tate, Anuradha Sun & Moon
Tate's brand of hyper-toxic masculinity and his "hustler university" is so wildly misogynistic it's insane. Yet it appeals to many men.
In one video, Tate describes how he would deal with a woman who accused him of cheating: “It’s bang out the machete, boom in her face and grip her by the neck. Shut up bitch.” He’s argued that women are a man’s property, shouldn’t drive, and shouldn’t leave the home if they’re in a relationship. He claims only to date 18 and 19 year olds as it’s easier to “imprint” on them, and in a now deleted YouTube video, Tate claimed that “about 40 per cent” of the reason he moved to Romania is that he believed police in Eastern Europe would be less likely to pursue rape allegations.
Tate seems to represent the lifestyle that most men dream of (wealthy) and he presents himself as ultra masculine/alpha like which is every man's dream but the thing is extreme behaviour of any sort comes across like that person is overcompensating for something.
Machoism and machismo are what men use to signal to other men that they're not to be messed with. Its a very primitive display of behaviour that probably goes back to the cave men era where men had to rely on physical strength and brute force to survive. But no man who is actually secure in himself will feel the need to aggressively display his "masculinity" by spewing absolutely vile hateful nonsense against women or other people. Toxic masculinity is rooted in narcissism and self centeredness; these men want to be the best among men (more rich, more powerful, get more girls etc). Its a gross by product of male insecurity because truth be told men grossly overestimate the standards women have for their romantic partners.
they seem to have a scarcity mindset about how no women would want to be with a deadbeat ugly loser (i mean, duh) but believing that every single woman would only date 6’4” dudes with 12 abs and rolexes isn't true either. majority of heterosexual relationships feature a gorgeous girl with a guy who looks like a gnome. many women date absolutely hideous men who are broke just because they have sweet personalities and are nice to be around.
but male insecurity leads to incel behaviour because they believe that the reason women dont go for them is because they're ugly or broke when usually the reason women dont go for them is because theyre an asshole. by blaming women for not sleeping with them or dating them, they get to conveniently shift attention from the fact that they have absolutely nothing to offer and also, women dont owe charity sex to lame, rude, broke, ugly men?
men underestimate just how much personality matters. and by pretending that being the "alpha" will get them women, they're feeding their own masculine egos because women literally just want a guy who is sweet, texts them back regularly, listens to them and isn't a complete asshole. you never hear a woman talk about being into "alphas". its literally just a male fantasy that is completely severed from what real people are like or what real people want. its like how men believe the "Cool Girl" exists, they write female characters to be quirky, nerdy but above all hot and constantly feeding their male ego, they also write male characters to be macho, alpha, dominating other men and women because they want to be like these men.
anyways lol went off on a tangent (me with every post)
Saturn is considered a malefic not because of how it represents "karma" or "discipline" its because Saturn overdoes the strictness, commitment and discipline and "hard work" associated with it. You may work hard but you can't always tell if you're working hard enough or why your hard work isn't translating to results/rewards. That is the energy of Saturn. You overdo things and go beyond the extra mile. This may sound like a good thing because we live in a world that values these traits but it can manifest in many unpleasant ways bc pushing yourself that hard means risking burnout out and it's actually unhealthy to swing into such extremes? You can live a good life without living like a monk or a soldier which is what a lot of hustle/self-improvement coaches advocate for. This is a negative manifestation of Saturn; believing that deprivation, scarcity and harshness are the only way to get things done or that "tough love" is the answer.
Hunter Moore has a Saturn stellium (Mercury & Venus in UBP and Saturn in Anuradha)
He was a predecessor to Andrew Tate who posted intimate photos (some acquired through hacking, and many nonconsensually submitted) of women with their Facebook details on IsAnyoneUp.com (he's a convicted criminal)
He's an early example of a toxic masculine internet influencer who spewed misogyny and was worshiped by many dudebros.
Solar men may be Chads who just want to hang out with other men but they are NOT like these Saturnians. If we're going to think of Sun as the most masculine or "yang" planet, it also means they're masculine to the point of being almost feminine, if that makes sense? The qualities of preferring other male company, valuing male friendships and wishing to keep women at an arm's length (under the guise of "independence" or "non-attachment") are similar to behaviours shown by women described as a "girls girl". Solar people of either gender have a very welcoming, positive energy but they're often virtually sexless. (there are exceptions to everything ofc) but these are not people known for being highly sexually desirable. They're likable and have qualities/traits that make them "wanted" but Solar energy is too self-centered to be sexually appealing. Sun is the centre of our solar system, it's used to being the source of light and does not have the same need to achieve things the way Saturnians do for whom accomplishment has its origins in insecurity and the desire to overcompensate for what they lack. Solar ambition is rooted in their belief that they're the best and deserve to be at the top of the world and refusal to settle for anything less. Those are two very different approaches.
Tom Hardy, Uttaraphalguni Sun, Chitra Moon once said:
“A lot of people say I seem masculine, but I don’t feel it,” Hardy confessed. “I feel intrinsically feminine. I’d love to be one of the boys but I always felt a bit on the outside. Maybe my masculine qualities come from overcompensating because I’m not one of the boys.”
Tbh this could be a generalization but I feel like I have seldom seen Solar men present themselves as mega alpha hypermasculine figures. They are often perceived that way but they're not personally like that. They're more boyish, more youthful than aggressively "manly". They actually represent a more indulgent "frat boy" type of masculinity than the alpha male ideal presented by many Saturn men.
I'll cite some examples of famous men who are popular among men and not so much among women
Jason Momoa- Pushya Stellium (Sun, Mercury & Venus)
Men love to talk about him like he's a God or something because he represents the kind of masculinity that other men want to embody. 6'5 bulky beefcake build and has this uber-masculine personality.
Like all Saturnian men, he's also known for making crass, tasteless remarks like the time he said at ComicCon:
“But as far as sci-fi and fantasy, I love that genre because there are so many things you can do, like rip someone’s tongue out of their throat and get away with it and rape beautiful women"
In 2011 during an interview he said:
"Yeah, I’m raping Emilia [Clarke]” he said. “I love her, but I’m hurting her and she’s crying. We could have made it longer, but you get the idea. I’m not a rapist. I prefer my women to enjoy sex.”
All of these statements reek of the smug asshole Saturn alpha-chad vibes like he really thought he did something by saying it. You just know that he was saying it for other men to laugh to🤢🤮🤮
Saturnian men lack social grace and manners and are literal troglodytes
Sam Levinson- Pushya Moon
everything he has ever made is SO male gaze-y, be it Euphoria or The Idol. he literally makes torture porn and all his female characters are treated like shit with absolute shitheads written as the male protagonist
The Idol portrays an absolutely vile toxic relationship where the woman is literally treated like scum. He sidelined his female collaborator on The Idol and reworked the show to suit his shitty male gaze. The show Euphoria was also stolen from photographer Petra Collins' aesthetic. Here's what she said:
he's also just known for being an asshole in general. several female cast members on euphoria asked Sam if they could cut down on the nudity (first of all, i think making a highschool drama, casting grown adults and getting away with depicting gratuitous sex scenes is fucked up on its own)
Sydney Sweeney had said:
“There are moments where Cassie was supposed to be shirtless and I would tell Sam, ‘I don't really think that's necessary here,’” she told the Independent. “He was like, ‘OK, we don't need it.’”
Jason Statham- Pushya Sun, UBP Moon
Jason is another example of a man who is idolized by men. He's known for playing menacing tough guys in action movies who are sometimes complete psychopaths and has the brooding toxic violent masculinity that men get off to.
Tom Brady, UBP Moon
He is another male celebrity whom men fawn over.
Chris Evans, Anuradha Rising
Chris is arguably more popular among men than he is among women. He's too plain and boring to appeal to the female gaze truth be told.
DJ Khaled, Anuradha Sun conjunct Mercury (and Saturn in Pushya)
DJ Khaled is in general known for being an obnoxious, egotistical, pompous asshole further confirming the rumours about how self-obsessed, vain, downright delusional and mannerless Saturnian men are.
In 2014, DJ Khaled revealed in an interview that he never performs oral sex on women. The full quote goes like this:
"It's certain things I just don't do. I believe a woman should praise the man, the King." "If you holding it down for your woman, I feel like the woman should praise and the man should praise the Queen," he continued. "But, you know, my way of praising is called, 'How was dinner? You like the house you living in? You like all them clothes you getting? I'm taking care of your family, I'm taking care of my family"
When host Angela Yee asked Khaled if he "goes down" on his longtime girlfriend, he replied, "Nah, never. Nah, I can't do that. Hell nah...I can't do that. I don't do that."
Yee asked Khaled if he would be okay with his girlfriend not giving him oral sex, to which he said, "Nah, it's not okay. You gotta understand I'm the Don, I'm the King."
She told Khaled she doesn't think the double standard is fair. Khaled said, "It's different rules for men. You gotta understand, we the King. There are some things that you guys might not wanna do or wanna do. It gotta get done. I just can't do what you want me to do. I just can't," he added.
This literally sums up how Saturnian men see themselves versus how they see women.
Logan Paul, UBP Sun & Mercury
In 2017 Paul was accused of sexist behaviour with the release of his song "No Handlebars." The track, which samples 2008's "Handlebars" by Flobots, changes the original song's lyrics from "I can ride my bike with no handlebars," to "I can ride your girl with no handlebars." The video shows Paul mounting three women who have positioned themselves to act as a bicycle. This wasn't the first time Paul was accused of sexist behavior, famously releasing a now-deleted Vine with controversial Vine star Sam Pepper in which the pair lassoed women as a way of courting them.
In 2018, in one of the first videos back from his infamous post-Suicide Forest hiatus, Paul can be seen lifting a live koi fish out of water and moving it like a toy boat, as well as tasing dead rats.
In January 2023, fans were outraged when Paul's former pet pig, Pearl, was found abandoned and injured in a field by the nonprofit The Gentle Barn. In the past, he had put his Pomeranian in seemingly stressful situations for YouTube videos, like introducing him to an actual tiger and putting him in a bucket to zipline him off the roof.
In fact, animal abuse/cruelty seems to be a recurring theme with many Saturnians, both men and women. I think so many Saturnians are notorious for abusing animals because their desire for domination and control manifests most through people who cannot fight back. Obviously being abusive to women and expressing desire to subjugate them is another extension of this Saturnian tendency but it is very telling how a Saturnian can and will dominate, control and abuse absolutely every living being they come across.
many years ago, Kim Kardashian, UBP Moon went viral for holding a cat like a toy and many people said it was abusive behaviour
Kristi Noem, Anuradha Sun, Ketu in Pushya
She recently came under fire for revealing in her memoir how she shot and killed her dog who was difficult to train along with her goat who she hated? Idk how callous you have to be to describe in detail (her exact words and excerpts from the book are available online, I dont feel like repeating it here) how you murdered your pets?? idk how insane you have to be to even publicly admit something like that??
Paris Hilton- Pushya Moon conjunct Rahu
Paris is notorious for how she prefers teacup sized dogs and for anybody who does not know, when animals are specially bred to be an unnaturally small size (bc people think small dogs are "cute") they really struggle with their health a lot bc their bodies are too small to hold all their organs and they struggle with respiratory issues along with being more susceptible to diseases and having weaker immunity. Breeding dogs is absolutely inhumane and cruel. imagine saying you want a cute tiny dog when being that small means that dog lives a much shorter life and a much more arduous one as well?
But Paris isn't just guilty of this but is notorious for neglecting her pets. Los Angeles Animal Services finally interfered after rumours that staff had found a dead puppy in one of Paris’ closets. This was one of Paris’ ways of handling dogs when she got annoyed: lock them away in a different area of the house and then forget about them.
After her documentary came about, many have also accused Paris of being a neglectful mother. Her own sister, Nicky Hilton once said that Paris was too selfish to be a mother and unfortunately 😬it sort of looks like its true? Paris basically left her newborn baby with his nannies and complained about having to "work a lot" when the truth is she's a multimillionaire who can afford to take time off to bond with her newborn?? she treats her babies like props to pose with. if you watch the show you'll know what I mean. her whole attitude and demeanour made it seem like she did not gaf about her kid. She also very callously said she was doing egg retrieval over and over because she wanted a girl and kept getting boys?? idk what happened to the other embryos but its a bit icky to admit that you kind of have a designer baby? On the show, her son was supposed to get circumcised and she says she doesn’t want to be there because it’s too painful for her. How painful is it going to be for your baby?!
On the same show, she also said casually that five of her dogs got ate by coyotes on different occasions? and she cloned two of her deceased dogs??
Shane Dawson, Pushya Sun, Mars in UBP
Shane is a sociopathic asshole in general but in 2015 on a podcast, he, in very graphic detail, explained how he inserted his penis into his cat and then ejaculated onto it as well. His exact words were, "One time I laid my cat down on her back...I moved her little chicken legs spread open or whatever," "I came all over the cat. It was like my first sexual experience...I was also like 19." After this was brought back up in March 2019, he then tweeted saying “I didn’t fuck my cat. I didn’t cum on my cat. I didn’t put my dick anywhere near my cat. I’ve never done anything weird with my cats.” 🤮🤢🤮🤢
Mitt Romney, Anuradha Moon, Jupiter & Ketu
He infamously tied his pet dog in a kennel to the roof of his car for a cross-country trip.
Ted Bundy, Anuradha Sun
Serial killers usually abuse animals as children and there have been studies that link animal cruelty to future psychopathic behaviour. Ted used to abuse the neighbourhood dogs. He shot one neighbour's dog because according to him, the dog was an "evil force" that compelled him to kill. Bundy used to watch as his own father tortured animals.
Angelina Jolie, Pushya Rising
I used to suspect her of being Punarvasu Rising but I came across a 90s interview where she admits to abusing her pets which makes me think she is indeed Pushya Rising lol
"I had a dog and I ended up beating him, and he got sick and... I've hurt so many—I am just not a good animal person... I had a rabbit that died, too... a cage fell on him..."That happened when she was six. But then I had a hamster... I took him in the shower. He died of pneumonia. I had a bunch of little lizards. My friend left them in the sun, and I came back and they were just... my snake, I tried to kill."
Another thing I've noticed with Saturnian men is how they usually scam their way to the top? Deceit, duplicity, being a con artist and a scammer are also common among Saturnian men (Andrew Tate included). They have vv right wing views, especially regarding women and they're also entirely dishonest?
Lance Armstrong, Jupiter in Anuradha in 1h
He was stripped of his tour de france titles after it was revealed that he used performance-enhancing drugs and cheated on his doping tests??
Emily Ratajkowski, UBP Moon & Pushya Stellium (Venus, Mars & Jupiter)
Her bikini wear brand Inamorata has come under fire for not shipping any of their orders?? last year lol. Her brand has also been criticized for selling poor quality bikinis that are tacky and garish
Jennifer Lopez, Pushya Sun, Mercury & Rising
Apart from the fact that J Lo does not sing her own songs and has essentially scammed her way to the top, her numerous business ventures over the years including her Sephora skincare line, Kohl's clothing line etc have all been absolutely horrible, even her perfumes are apparently terrible lol
Anna Delvey has Jupiter & Ketu in Pushya
She is an infamous con artist and fraudster who posed as a wealthy heiress to access upper-class New York social and art scenes from 2013 to 2017.
Back to the theme of Saturnians being abusive, here are some more examples:
Colleen Ballinger, Anuradha Sun
She was accused of grooming her underage fans and being creepy to them and she responded to that with a ukulele song? Her ex-husband reacted to the weird apology saying "This behaviour was my reality anytime I spoke up & disagreed with her actions & rhetoric during 2009-2016. I was gaslit too. I was made to feel like I was always the problem. Any pain I felt was an inconvenience and was belittled. Every ounce of what you’re feeling, I understand."
As someone who used to watch them in the early 2010s (I feel super old) I know for a fact that Colleen was a major asshole to Josh (her ex husband) and always acted like, since she was more successful than him, she had the "upper hand". She's a toxic narcissist and I hated the way she treated all the people in her life like they're all her glorified assistants or something ugh
David Dobrik, Pushya Sun, Saturn in UBP
If you've watched any of his content, you do know that he uses people around him for "vlog content" and often does really crass, distasteful, offensive, weird, inappropriate shit to his friends for clout? he was rightfully accused of setting up the stage for one of his friends to sexually abuse a minor
Russell Brand, UBP Moon
He has been accused or rape, sexual assault and emotional abuse by 4 women
He's like the spiritual hippie avatar of a toxic alpha chad and he used to be heavily involved in the Ra Ma Yoga place that was essentially a cult
Haile Selassie, Anuradha Moon
This is a more extreme example of men (and women) worshipping a Saturn man, in this case quite literally. Haile Selassie was the emperor of Ethiopia. In the 1930s when he initially became emperor, Rastafarianism emerged in Jamaica and Rastafaris believed that Haile was the second coming of Christ and is perceived as a prophet.
Sri Sathya Sai Baba, Anuradha Stellium (Sun, Mercury, Venus & Saturn)
Sai Baba was a guru who was revered by his followers and literally thought of as God. however, he was embroiled in several scandals in his lifetime including child molestation. Its really hard to dig up info about Indian gurus because they started doing their stuff in the pre-internet era and because its really easy to get away with virtually any kind of abuse under the guise of religion and spirituality in India.
Another guru with major Saturnian energy was Anandamayi Ma who had UBP Rising.
There will be a part 2, where I'll explore more about Saturnian energies and how it manifests in women etc<3 But I hope this post was interesting <3
#saturn#anuradha#uttara bhadrapada#pushya#vedic astro notes#astrology notes#sidereal astrology#nakshatras#astrology#astroblr#astro notes#vedic astrology#astro observations#astrology observations
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@bubblespinkss How would they act with their crushCan you do "How they would act with their crushes" with taiga, too. Please?<3
That's such a cute topics omg I love it. <33
How would they act with their crush
Including Umemiya, Taïga, Sakura, Suo, Kiryu
Umemiya
I think Umemiya would be the type to want to pass all his time with you. No matter what you do or what he does he just you to be there with him.
Seeing you make him feel happier, less stressed, only good feelings when you are around.
He invite you every day to go on the roof and help him with gardening.
If you don't know how to garden even better it's a chance for him to be closer to you. Obviously just to teach you nothing more~
Or if you do know how to garden he would be so impressed. Like how could you be so perfect in every way.
Umemiya would invite you to go to the little restaurant kotoha has. In fact he would like to introduce you to everyone he knows.
Everybody in the gang knows he loves you and everybody is rooting so hard for him.
Dude would give you plant and be like it made me think of you.
He would always tries to make you smile and laugh. Your laugh is such a sweet melody to his ears.
Taiga
I think Taiga would at first tries to speak lower. Kiryu once told him if he acts with that much energy and speaking so loud he would never get a girlfriend (this is canon Kiryu we love you but that's also why we love taiga.)
But boy get so excited around you he can't keep himself calm. That's fine you found that cute.
It's like being with you get him 100%more energy.
He would even do more exercise to impressed you (obviously after that he can't feel his muscle but that s fine.)
Would ask you if his muscle get bigger.
The first time he met you he ask you what was your mantra you answer right away with an answer that was such like you very confident in what you said he couldn't help to fell for you.
Will definitely ask you to come to the gym with him. If you are a beginner he would help you build a program for you. If you are not the gym would be a competition.
Always buys you food after the gym.
His smile would be so bright you would have to wear sunglass.
Sakura
This guy wouldn't even notice his feelings for you. He only realized it when Suo and Nirei pointed it.
At this exact moment his face went so red it could have explosed.
Before that his behave with you was totally normal of course he would be more carrefull and stuff but it was natural for him to act this way.
Now that his friend pointed it his face always got red whenever you a real around. He always knew he felt different with you but not at that point.
Would definitely be the type to carry your bag without even ask. He would just take it and be like I just do it cause it's the furin way that's all. He would never admit it's just because he doesn't you to lift something in front of him. He just doesn't want you to get hurt.
He would even eat your vegetables if you don't want them. Even if he doesn't like them he doesn't want you to be embarrassed about it.
Would definitely ask you to fight with him for fun. He just wanna see if you are strong or not.
Of course he would always defend you in a fight nobody can touch you but he also wanna see what are you capable of.
Suo
One of the sweetest. Such a cutie.
Always tries to make you laugh. We all know Suo is a joker he likes to crack jokes but if you are around and he makes you laugh that's even better.
The fact that he makes you laugh would give him butterflies. He would be so proud and so happy to hear you giggles and his jokes.
Would definitely be the type to buy you some gift but never let you notice it's from him.
In fact since you were yapping about how much you wanted to know who it was he started to put some puzzle like a little game between you to see if you would realized.
He knew you did when one day he went put a gift for you and he found a bag of tea at the spot he usually put his gift.
Now you just exchange gift time to time but never in person always using the same systems.
He loves spending time with you, he would ask you to come walk with him and even tries to teach you some of his moves.
Would definitely invite you drinking tea while reading a book.
Kiryu
(Help this boy is so fine. Like I'm obsessed with him having his hair like this.)
Would be so sweet around you. Like one of the sweetest just like suo.
He's such a cutie. Always remove one of his headphone when you are around. Some time even pass you one so you could enjoy music together.
Definitely made a playlist for the both of you. You guys listen to it often even when you are not together.
If you are into game he would love to play with you. Like every change he gets he asks you to join his game. The one who lose buy food for the other at the end of school.
If you are not he would try to teach you some easy game so you could okay together.
Always carry your bags that's what gentleman does.
Would come with you to get your nails done or even your hair or to buy new clothes.
He likes to match you. Like you're at a store he would picks hairpins to wear together. Even though you guys aren't a couple it still cute so you wear it anyway.
Buy you some of your latest new interest and even listen to you speaking about it for hours. He just love the sound of your voice.
.・゜゜・✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*.・゜゜・
In receiving request it makes me so happy I love you guys.🧡🧡🧡
#anime#headcannons#kiryu#nireii#suo#windbreaker#windbreaker satoru nii x reader#windbreaker satorunii#x reader#as your boyfriend#hajime umemiya#taiga tsugeura#kiryu mitsuki#suo hayato#sakura haruka
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AITA for going off on a tattoo artist for giving me the wrong mandarin letters?
Context matters a lot here. I (23ftm) recently lost my partner to cancer. They were the love of my life and I dropped everything for them- I moved states away from my family so that they could be more comfortable in a dryer climate, I made sure to be there for them through thick and thin- the works. My family, though sad, were okay with it since I had never been so passionate about anything before I met them. Losing them has been nothing short of miserable.
They were Chinese and had a very strong connection to their language and culture, so I wanted to get a tattoo that translated to "My angel, my love" with "my angel" being on the top and "my love" being on the bottom onto my arm. I wasn't able to learn any dialects from them while they were alive since things had been so busy, but I thought maybe at least I could start with this.
So, I went to a local tattoo parlor that had a Chinese tattoo artist (I hope it isn't racist to assume, I've heard him speaking in Mandarin on the phone) and asked to get the translation tattooed. He seemed genuine and we got to work with choosing a font, the right location, and scheduling an appointment. It was very professional and I was really glad that it had gone smoothly since if it hadn't, I'd probably just give up entirely.
A week passes and I get my tattoo. A bit after as we're talking about it, I mention that I got it to commemorate my late partner, whom like I said I consider to be the light of my life. When I mentioned that, he sort of paused and had this look on his face, like when you realize you forgot something really important. He shook it off though and we got back to talking, but things seemed obviously more awkward now.
When I went home I sent a picture of it to my partner's family, and immediately they picked up that something was wrong. They didn't tell me what it had actually translated to, but it was apparently very inappropriate and disrespectful.
Needless to say I was breaking down. My partner had died, I was struggling with depression and fatigue from handling a lot of the funeral procedures, and overall that had been the straw that broke the camel's back. This is where I may be the asshole. I drove back to the parlor shop and found my tattoo artist, and I didn't get physical, but I had definitely wanted to. I was yelling at him, screaming about how he was a horrible shitty person, the works. He argued back that I should have at least given him a reason for the tattoo, since he gets white people coming in all the time asking for dumb stuff, but I shot back that he could have at least told me what he had done when I did reveal why I got the tattoo.
Again, I didn't get physical, but they did threaten to call the cops on me if I didn't leave since I wss making a scene, so I left and later emailed that I had at the very least wanted a refund, since they didn't even give me the tattoo I wanted. I still haven't gotten a response yet.
My family (both biological and in-laws) are very conflicted over this. Some of them think that I could have dealt with it a lot better, while others think I should have threatened them with a lawsuit (obviously there's inbetween opinions but those are the main two extremes). I can't afford a lawsuit considering I'm already dealing with the funeral funds like I said, but I don't know. I don't even know if yelling at the guy made me feel better or worse- it was an in-the-moment response to be sure.
So, with more context, AITA for yelling at the tattoo artist who gave me an inappropriate tattoo instead of the one I really wanted?
What are these acronyms?
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Mike’s love for El being platonic, and not romantic, and realizing it over the course of season 3 reconciles nearly every contradiction with his behaviour.
He stands like a gay scarecrow as she kisses him in front of Will’s closet. That's him realizing that when he blurted out "I love her and I can't lose her again!" he meant it platonically. But her saying "ily too” WAS CLEARLY NOT PLATONIC, so now he’s left very confused (If he was simply shocked by the fact that she overheard him, he would’ve been surprised initially, and then kissed her back, and been all emotional and happy. But he wasnt.)
In fact he probably realized his heart fluttered when Will said “not possible” to him in the scene literally 1 minute prior, but NOT when his gf was attempting to make out with him? That’s clearly a problem! lol
This leads flawlessly into season 4.
Mike has apparently been refusing to even write the word 'love’ in his letters for 6 whole months. Why? Cause he didn't want them to look like love letters.
Meanwhile, he’s jealous of Will painting something for a girl. So he argues with Will about growing apart.
El argues with him about not saying ily. In the fight, he deflects romantic connotations with words like “care” and superhero idolization that he seems suuuper into this season.
He NODS when Will says “What if they don’t like the truth?”. That’s him thinking “Yeah, El won’t like the truth that I don't return her romantic feelings.”
In the van, he says their meeting was dumb luck and anyone could've been there for her that night. That’s hinting that he was just being a decent human. Not that it was a fated love at first sight meeting.
Then Will says, “You’re afraid of losing her”. And THAT is the true issue here.
This whole concept of ‘losing El’ (be it in relationship/daily life, or in death), is scary to Mike, because of what he went through seasons 1-2. At 12 years old, he saw another kid that he developed a bond with, die right in front of his freaking eyes. But they didn’t have a body or anything. So Mike kept getting signs and intuitive feelings that she was still alive. So he questioned his own sanity. For a WHOLE YEAR. Can you imagine how traumatic that is? And then for a kid that age?? That’s exactly why he develops an unhealthy codependency with her in Season 3. And we see it have a negative impact on the unity of the party, and on Will.
But a traumatic response doesn’t change the fact that Season 3 transitions us through the party’s puberty and growth into teenage hood.
And because of said puberty, Mike starts to realize what actual attraction towards someone is, or in this case… isnt.
Like if we think about the first two seasons, for a 12-13 year old living in that type of society, era, and a picture perfect white suburban American family, it would’ve been really really hard to figure it out back then! Like simply becoming very close friends with the opposite gender caused everyone (cough Nancy cough Lucas) to tell him that “ooooh you must like her”. So yeah, he thinks “I really must like her”. Because he does! He just can’t separate it from actual romantic attraction at that point due to age, and strong heteronormative standards, and no role models like Jonathan telling him “it’s okay to stray from the norm bro”. So of course he acts on it? That’s the NORM. He’s like, “You’re supposed to take a girl you like to the ball”, “We're supposed like girls now”, “This is what growing up means”, “This what old people do”. Like HELLO? Mike says stuff similar to that constantly. Dustin and Lucas do not. So yeah, it can be easily be read as heteronormativity. Not romantic attraction!
And so despite wanting to spend every day in the summer with El because of copious amounts of trauma from S1-2, he can’t continue believing its romantic attraction when his hormones say otherwise.
Like just look at their kissing scenes S3-4:
Seasons 3 starts with him pulling her hands OFF of him when kissing. He’s voluntarily kissing her instead of spending time with his friends, cause he thinks that’s what he’s supposed to do as he’s “not a kid anymore!”, yet he’s evidently not even enjoying it if he’s taking her hands off lol. Then by the end of the season he doesn’t even kiss back, and has his eyes wide open. Then six months later, when he’s way more self aware of his own feelings, this dude wears SUNGLASSES to the airport. We (and all the characters there) can’t even see his true expression when kissing her. And what’s more, he puts the bouquet of flowers between their bodies, to SEPARATE FASTER. When he could’ve very easily put that hand/arm around her, not between them (that's what he does with his other hand holding the bags).
And all of this: all this repression, the contradictions, the unsaid things... it all culminates to the monologue. Will told Mike in the van that El really needed him. And then Will reminds him of this again when El is in the piggyback, cause Will is annoying! (jokes lol). So of course, all rationality, all of Mike's realizations or progression, goes out the window. After all, he is THE HEART. He is needed by her. He can’t go through what he went through in season 1-2 again! It doesn’t matter if it’s not totally true. He needs to tell her what she wants to hear so she won’t DIE. The stakes are extremely high. So he delivers. He even takes all his knowledge of mediocre romance stories, and blurts out that it was love at first sight. It's silly to us the audience, cause if you actually go back and watch season 1 you can see that it's not even fucking true.
So why would he lie? Well because he doesn’t KNOW when he fell in love with El. Because he never fell in love with her. So yeah. It’s PLATONIC with a capital P.
(And to add a cherry on top, he gives his sister’s ring to her jfc)
#mike wheeler#gay mike wheeler#bi mike wheeler#btw im not trying to say 'mike isn't attracted to women period'#i'm just saying he sees EL platonically#my post can be interpreted as gay mike ofc#but i'm not trying to discount bi mike either#sexuality is a spectrum#bi kids can also confuse feelings due to heteronormativity#byler#will byers#elmike
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Hey, allo anon with an ace partner here. I wanted to say thank you so much for the well wishes! I figured I would send this in here again, so anyone else who is curious about what this experience looks like from the other side can see it.
My girlfriend came out to me a little over 2 years into our relationship. At the time it surprised me a lot, because she'd never given me any signs that she wasn't enjoying what we were doing. After we talked more I understood that she wasn't repulsed by sex and she didn't hate it, but she didn't really love it either and wanted to stop doing it for a while (so a sex-neutral ace).
Honestly, at the time, I did get anxious about it. Not just because of social conventions, but because I had viewed sex as an important bonding part of our relationship. I don't do well with change, and I was super worried about how a lack of sex would change our dynamic. I also had some insecurities about my own body, and my girlfriend admitting that she didn't see me as sexy was upsetting. But after speaking to my therapist, I realized that I was projecting my own issues on to the relationship. So I spoke with her again, and she reassured me that she wanted to be with me, and that she was confiding these feelings because she trusted me. She likes how I look, she just doesn't have the same sexual impulses I do.
So, I realized this was pretty much like cuddling. I love physical touch a lot, and I want to cuddle for a much longer time than she does. I like it when someone lies on top of me. She doesn't want me on top of her chest during cuddling. She still cuddles with me, but she tells me when she's satisfied, and we stop.
A few months went by, and I noticed that she wasn't spending any less time with me; she was actually spending more. We would still call every evening when we didn't meet up in person, we would still joke around, and she still told me she loved me and did everything she could to show it to me. We also began trying out new stuff together, and playing games and watching stuff more often. We also still had plenty of physical intimacy with things like cuddling and kissing, which made me really happy.
I realized that I didn't feel like anything was missing from the relationship. I just needed her to show and tell me she loved me in the ways she normally did. Sure, I am still attracted to her that way, but it wasn't something that would make or break the relationship.
It's been years since she came out, and at this point, I never expect anything sexual. It happens rarely, and I always check in with her multiple times before and during. We stop at any point she tells me. There are quite a few hard boundaries about what is and isn't off limits, and I always keep them in mind. I would rather satisfy myself forever than make her uncomfortable, and she knows it.
It's been over 5 years and we are still going strong. I am hoping to ask her to marry me in the next few years, because honestly, I can't picture wanting anyone else by my side. She is kind, funny, beautiful, intelligent, and treats me well. I could never ask for anything more from a partner.
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. I myself definitely lack knowledge of what it feels like from an allo's perspective, so this was very educational for me, but beyond that... You have no idea how much hope this gives me.
From you being aware of how much sex meant to you in the context of your relationship and still being fine without it, to just... Heck, even your therapist for not blaming her for the situation. Therapy is still very much, in my country at least, an area where the absence or lower levels of sexual attraction will be hastily labelled as something wrong physically or mentally, so... Yeah, the amount of relief I felt reading that, you have no idea. And I can only imagine how much your partner appreciates it too.
Honestly I teared up a bit reading this - I sincerely wish you guys all the best and I hope you have a bright future ahead! (Also fun fact, seems you guys have been together as long as my partner and I have, it's nice to be able to relate to that too hehe^^)
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