#i originally ran this like two years ago and i've been wanting to do another round since the day the first one ended
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Did It Even Mean Anything?
Words: 1682
Warnings: angst, breakup, being played, only dating someone on a bet, probably poor writing but whatever
STRANGER THINGS Masterlist
Main Masterlist
Request: "Gareth and Jeff make a bet with Eddie about not being able to get a date or a girl in general. Eddie asked out the quiet girl thinking it would be an easy bet, but realize they have a lot in common. Maybe the next day at school she finds out about the bet from over hearing it from Gareth and Jeff talking to Eddie. Ending of their reaction is up to you."
I have such a love/hate with this trope dude. Like, I love it, but I hate it at the exact same time.
I also hated making Gareth be the dick that he is in this. I love that guy so much man.
*EDIT AFTER WRITING AND POSTING*
THERE WILL BE NO FUCKING PART 2! I WROTE THIS WITH NO INTENT OF ONE! THEN THIS BECAME MORE POPULAR THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD! AND PEOPLE WERE DEMANDING ME TO MAKE A PART 2 AND I WON'T FUCKING DO IT CAUSE YOU FUCKING DEMANDED IT AND YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT! PLUS, I WOULD PISS Y'ALL OFF BY MAKING IT EVEN SADDER THAN IT ALREADY IS! IF YOU TRULY WANT ANOTHER PART THAT'LL BE HAPPY, WRITE IT YOURSELF!
I'm not trying to be an asshole I'm just tired of people asking for it when I have told them in the comments AND THE REBLOGS that I wasn't sure about it. But now I've decided to not.
But please, read this and continue to like it.
Anywho, enjoy
Eddie smirked at Y/N as he leaned against the lockers next to hers. She was quiet. Well, more reserved than most of the other girls that he knew of. And he knew that she had a crush on him. "So? What do you say, princess? Tomorrow, 7 o'clock? I pick you up at yours?" She stared at him with wide eyes before smiling softly and nodding. Eddie let out a small laugh, "You gonna use your words, darling?"
She felt her face heat up before letting out a soft, "Yeah." She cleared her throat and spoke a little louder, "Yeah, I would like that a lot."
He smiled, "Good. See you then." She nodded as he walked away.
And as he walked away, she turned to her locker and grabbed all of her books and piled them into her back. She couldn't believe it! Eddie Munson, the guy she had had a crush on since she met him her Freshman (his Sophomore) year, had just asked her out. She was ecstatic.
But she was also surprised. Eddie knew who she was? They had only ever spoken to each other 2 times. One was when he had asked her for a pencil. And the other was when he had asked what he missed in Mrs. Click's class because he had missed the past three days.
But that was 2 and a half years ago.
However, she stopped her worrying and walked out to her car. Excited that literally anyone had just asked her out. But she was also nervous because she had never been on a date before. So she had no idea what to do or wear.
However, unknown to her, Eddie was walking into the Hellfire room with the biggest shit-eating grin he had ever had. He opened the door, and with his luck, only Gareth and Jeff were there. He slammed his hands down on the table. "You two boys now owe me a hundred dollars each."
Gareth raised an eyebrow, "Why's that?"
"Because I just got my ass a fucking date."
Jeff scoffed, "Yeah? With who?"
"Y/N Y/L/N."
His friends started laughing. "Y/N Y/L/N? The girl who had literally had a crush on you since she met you?"
Eddie smirked, "You didn't say it couldn't someone easy. So pay the fuck up." Gareth and Jeff looked at one another and Eddie groaned, "Now what?"
"Date her until the end of the school year and you'll get your money."
"That wasn't the original fucking plan!"
Gareth shrugged, "Yeah, but we realized that you'll just go on one lousy date with her. Maybe even try to sleep with her. Then toss her to the side. Because we all know that you can't commit."
Eddie groaned, "You guys are literally the fucking worst."
They both shrugged this time, "You chose to befriend us, Eddie."
Eddie rolled his eyes, "Whatever." He ran a hand through his hair, "So I just have to date her until May 25th?" The other two nodded, "Fine. I guess I can do that."
Unfortunately for him, he would realize just how much he would fall for Y/H/C girl he just asked out on a bet.
-
Eddie was sitting next to Y/N in the back of his van at the Drive-Thru. Neither were really even watching it as they were just talking to each other. He was surprised to find out that she liked a lot of the same things he did.
"Actually, Rocky Horror is gonna be showed a town over in two weeks. I was planning on going, maybe, if you wanted, we could go together." The smile on her face as soft as she asked him.
He returned the smile and nodded, "That would be fun." He leaned back, against the side of his van. "One question. Do you dress up?"
She laughed, "Of course I do! Usually I do Janet as that's all that I really have clothes for. But I recently found a old maids outfit that I'm gonna fix up to look like Magenta. Hopefully it'll be ready in time."
He grabbed a piece of popcorn and popped it into his mouth. "I bet it will be."
He laughed lightly and she smiled at him confused. "What?"
"I just...I don't get this. You're literally so...perfect. I mean. You're so nice, you like the same things as me, and you're hot." She felt her face heat up at the last comment. "You're like a dream come true Y/N Y/L/N."
She smirked, "What? Did you think that I was gonna like a lot of popular stuff?"
"Kinda?"
She laughed, "I do like some of it. There are some chick-flicks that I love. Some music. I just like whatever I like."
He nodded, "What's your opinion on DnD."
"I've never played. But it seems pretty interesting. I don't really understand why people say it's 'satanic'. And that people who play it are 'devil worshippers' and 'evil'. Games don't make being evil. It's what they're surrounded by that do it."
He smiled, "I like your thinking."
For the rest of the film, the two of them continued to just talk about different things that they liked. And Eddie continued to be surprised that the two of them liked the same things as each other.
But the guilt that he just asked her out on a bet grew more and more.
-
The two had gotten together in January and now March was ending and April was starting. Eddie had truly started to fall for Y/N after a week. But he kept feeling guilty that this all started because of a stupid bet he had made with his friends. He had felt like he was using her this whole time. But he knew it wasn't true. Everything he had said and done had been true. And when he told her that he loved her. He had meant it.
But he knew he would have to tell her the truth at some point. Even if he knew that he would hurt the both of them. But he wasn't going to do that until after he talked to Jeff and Gareth and called the bet off.
-
Y/N walked down the hall to the Hellfire room. She had to ask Eddie if she had left her jacket over at his trailer. But she felt her blood run cold when she overheard a conversation that she knew she shouldn't have.
"-You can't do that dude! You calling off the bet means that you have to pay us! I thought that you hated losing!"
"Yeah? Well I didn't plan on actually falling for her! I can't go through with the fucking bet! It'll just hurt her!"
"That's your fault bro. You knew that this could happen, but you went through with it. You asked Y/N out on a bet, knowing that you easily could fall for her."
She hadn't realized that she walked into the room fully until she dropped the books in her arms and the three boys turned to her. Guilt covered Eddie's face when he saw her. And he was barely able to get her name out before she ran out of the room. He cursed under his breath and turned to Gareth and Jeff. "The bet is over. I'll pay you two tomorrow." And then without even giving them a chance to respond, he ran out to find Y/N.
He had a good idea where she would be. He remembered something she had mentioned once about a place in the woods. Different than the place he would meet people for deals. She had shown him it once. And when he made it to there, he felt his heart break. He heard her crying. And it pained him to know that she was crying because of him. Because of what he had done.
As a twig snapped under his foot, her head snapped around. She wiped the tears away from her eyes. "Leave me alone."
"Princess-"
"No. No don't. Don't do that." She stood up, "Don't sit there and say 'princess' and act all innocent. Act-act as if...as if this isn't all a lie!"
He shook his head, "It isn't a lie! I do love you! More than anything!"
She shook her head, "I was nothing more than a fucking bet. You asked me out just so you could...could what? Get money? Prove that you aren't a fucking loser?"
"Y/N I-"
"Was any of it even real?"
"What?"
She walked over to him and poked his chest, "Any of it? Was. It. Even. Real. Did you mean any of it? Or was it all apart of the fucking bet?"
"I meant everything I said and did!"
She let in a shaky breath, "Why me? Why did you choose me to be the fucking victim?" She laughed, "Actually. No wait, let me guess. You asked me because you thought I would be easy. Because you knew I had fucking liked you for years. Am I right?" He stayed silent. She was right. He had originally asked her because he knew that she would say right. She let out a small, dry laugh. "I should have fucking known. It was all too good to be true. I mean, why else would Eddie 'the freak' Munson ask me out? Why else if I wasn't just supposed to be another notch on his belt?" She looked at him, "Well, go find yourself some other girl to fuck with. Because we're fucking done." She pushed past him, but not without saying, "God, I wish I never had been seen with the freak of Hawkins."
And he watched as she walked away and felt him heart tear into a million pieces. He knew he had fucked up. He knew he should have told her the minute he gained feelings. But he didn't and now he had fucked everything up.
And now the one person who he had actually fallen for, hated him more than anything.
#eddie#munson#eddie munson#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson imagine#eddie munson request#stranger#things#stranger things#stranger things x reader#stranger things imagine#stranger things request#x reader#imagine#request
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hello I've seen your work about haikyuu dad's as absent parent. AND I TELL U, I REALLY LOVE IT 🫶
but can u write another version of it? wherein it has more angst on it no fluffs T___T but if you're not uncomfy to do it, it's fine I understand ^^ but if you're okay to do it can I request some ushijima, suna or kuro's version? thank u sm!
Omg I’m so glad you liked them!!!! They’re so fun and interesting to write!!!Besties??? This is such a good idea😭I may cry writing this but I will do it!!!!I know this is like not technically what you asked for since I give reader and baby a little fluffiness but like besties I just feel bad giving them absolutely no happy ending???(I can for sure rewrite this though and would love to if someone sent in a request for reader also having no fluff because I have a few ideas for that!!)any who let me stop rambling!! Tysm for the request!! They’re my absolute favorite thing ever! Pls request more because I’m out of school cause I can’t pick up a pencil🤪(taking advantage of the time I have with my unwrapped hand to write this🥰)
Tw- angst(little little fluff for reader and baby but none for boys), crying, drunk, peer pressure, cursing, crying, no fluff for Kuroo’s reader(I was gonna make them be with Kenma but decided not to!), boys are incredibly rude, anyways let me know if I missed anything(I’d be cautious about reading this!!)
Ushijima
It felt like so long ago, he’d broken up with you simply out of fucking peer pressure, it felt dumb to beg him to stick around. If he was so susceptible to peer pressure about your five year relationship Yoh didn’t doubt it could have been the same for your six month old baby girl who as you watch get rocked by Tendou as she sucks on her pacifier on the brink of sleep you can’t imagine raising her any other way.
When it originally happened, Tendou had practically ran over to pick up the pieces of your lives.
Turns out he’d liked you since highschool but kept rather quiet since on Valentine’s Day, Ushijima had beat him to asking you out even if they’d both agreed not to ask you out because they knew it would signify the end of their relationship, so of course when he’d found out Ushijima had fucked up he wasted no time in booking a flight from Paris to Japan.
And that was how it began.
You both glanced over to your phone when you’d heard a notification.
All day today almost on every channel, Ushijima’s face was plastered there, inevitably you’d just turned it off, he had a game in France today but neither of you thought he’d try and show up at your little house, and it wasn’t like you lived so much in town that oh could pass his visit off as a mistake, quite the opposite actually, you two lived a little ways out of town, not to far from the sweets shop but far enough to know that his visit was very much on purpose.
So of course when you glanced down at your phone, seeing the text from Ushijima, “hey I’m outside, we need to talk” yoh of course nearly threw the phone to Tendou as you moved to lock the front door as Ushijima begins knocking.
Tendous eyes widen, inevitably your precious baby in your arms as Tendou opens the front door.
“Do you need something?” He’s leaning against the doorframe and it takes everything in you it to break down and cry because obviously he was here for your baby what else would he be here for?
“Tendou?” He’s confused, he was certain you couldn’t live without him? How could you move on so fast and as he peers around Tendou all he can see is you curling yourself around a soft pink blanket, you looked scared…maybe it was time for him to move on if you had seemingly grown a family in the time he was gone and wordlessly he left.
Suna
You felt dumb to think he was ever going to want to settle down, he never did, it was drinking every night and partying and as you got older it just felt so out of place.
So of course when you’d told him you were pregnant he just told you to get out and that it obviously wasn’t his.
And a short three years later, you’d gotten married to Osamu who adopted your adorable daughter.
It was sweet…really, almost everyday you’d sit in the little booth that was designated to you and your precious girl and whenever she’d come out the kitchen on Osamu’s hip you’d set out her coloring book, other days you’d play waitress though that was on busy days.
Today you were sat with her in the booth when Suna walks in.
He looked rough you simply rolled your eyes pulling out a menu, maybe you could play a normal customer.
You could see the way Osamu’s brows furrowed at the way Suna seemed dazed, he walked right past the counter not even hesitating to practically slam his hands down on the table
“Suna” it’s clear to anyone else you’re trying to placate him before he could scare your daughter who looks up at him with wide eyes.
Osamu’s practically got steam coming from his ears as you look to him with a scared look.
“Is that her?” Suna glances towards your daughter and you can’t help the way your eyes begin to water.
You almost let out a sigh of relief as she slips under the table running to Osamu who scoops her up as she lets out a tiny, “daddy” through her sniffles.
The anger almost dissipates in Suna’s face, right he was the one who chose to leave it was only proper for you to move in wasn’t it?
With that he leaves, trying not to imagine the way he knows you’ve broken down in the booth left once again for Osamu to pick up the things he’s broken, he’s reminded that he has no place in your life.
Kuroo
It was a little one night stand, of course when you’d tried to call him three months later for what he figured was a rekindling he blocked you…on everything.
You were trying your hardest to tell him about your baby, you felt it wasn’t to fair for him to not know that he’d had a kid out there but unfortunately because of his choices he found out in a horrible way.
When he’d came into the little cafe you were at he saw the baby blue baby carrier sat beside you he was confused.
He watched the way you stood up with your little boy asking quietly if he had anytime to talk.
He ends up sat in a little park on a bench with you, “is he mine” his face shows clear disinterest.
You nod, “he’s almost eight months old” he can’t believe how happy you sound you were obviously trying to get something from him, maybe money? Maybe you were trying to bang trap him but that wasn’t about ti fucking happen.
“Look whatever you’re trying to get from me it’s not about to happen” your face falls quickly your hands stopping in their place as they hover over your son’s buckles.
“Oh…well I didn’t want anything” you look crushed, you’d heard he could be a dick to people but he seemed so sweet when you’d met him, but you’d cornered him and he was scared.
“Honestly, you’re all the same” he scoffs.
With that he’s left.
When he gets back to his office he can’t help the way the tears flow, how did he always manage to fuck up say the worst things. That really wasn’t what he wanted to tell you?
He can’t help but replay the horrible expression he practically forced onto your face the way your son looked up at him with the most precious little eyes so full of happiness and he had practically crushed it
Omg guys do you want me to make a part two of Kuroo’s???? Maybe reader ends up with Kenma and Kuroo tries to apologize??(anywho guys pls request because I’m off of school today and I’m so bored!!!)
Part two!!
#anons#reader insert#x reader#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#haikyu x reader#haikyuu parents#haikyuu dads#mom!reader#Ushijima x reader#Tendou x reader#Suna x reader#Kuroo x reader#angst
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The 11th Street Kids Go Undercover (Adrian Chase/Vigilante)
Summary: On a mission to stop the formula for creating metahumans from falling into the hands of Lexcorp, you and Adrian are paired up. A fake date with the guy that you have a crush on is surely just another day at the office.
Word Count: 4.2k
A/N: I don't know how this fic is gonna do bc I'm posting it kind of late, but I'm really excited for it because I felt inspired for the first time in a while with Adrian. I've missed writing for you, Vigilante. Like, comment, and reblog if you enjoyed this!
The team listens intently as Harcourt goes over the mission brief one last time before rolling out…well, most of the team. Peacemaker is very loudly playing a game on his phone while Adrian watches over his shoulder. Harcourt slowly trails off, searing the two with a death glare, and the rest of you watch with bated breath to see if they’ll notice. When it becomes clear that they won’t, Harcourt sighs.
“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” Harcourt asks sarcastically.
Chris finally looks up at this before shaking his head and going back to the game on his phone. “No, you’re fine. Thanks, though.”
“Dumbass,” Harcourt snaps, “get off of your phone and pay attention to the brief. Are you seriously playing fucking Angry Birds? What is this, 2012?”
“Angry Birds is a classic and I won’t tolerate this slander from you.”
Harcourt folds her arms over her chest. “You can go ahead and brief the team then, Smith, since I’m doing such a terrible job at keeping everybody interested.”
“I will, thank you.” He slides the brief over, looking at it for the first time tonight. “Alright, our target tonight is Jacob Han, whose mugshot you’ll see in Image A. Looks like a chode, if you ask me.”
“We didn’t ask you,” Adebayo says, “but yeah. Dude looks like a chode.”
“Thank you!” Chris sports a proud smile as he continues. “He originally worked for the American Government as a part of Project M, helping to develop a serum to create metahumans for war. Han went rogue a couple of years ago, took the formulas he had been working on for the serum and ran off. He’s recently popped up again with claims that he’s created a successful serum and he’s willing to sell the product…for a hefty fee.
“Tonight, Han is supposed to be at the Kryptonite Bar & Nightclub in Metropolis to perform a dead drop with a representative of Lexcorp. There are three potential representatives that could show up tonight. You have their names and pictures in your brief as well. If Lex Luthor and his minions are able to create metahumans whenever they want, that will spell disaster for the world. That’s where we come in.”
Almost nobody expected the group that would become the 11th Street Kids to be a functional team, least of all those that were a part of the team. After your defeat of the butterflies before the Justice League could even show up, as well as Waller being exposed on national television, ARGUS kept your team around for special ops and, the team suspects, to be able to monitor what you’re doing.
Not that any of you minded being able to come together and work with each other time and time again. Such a close brush with death tends to bring people together. And so the 11th Street Kids were now an official task force. Leota Adebayo, Adrian Chase aka Vigilante, John Economos, Emilia Harcourt, Christopher Smith aka Peacemaker, and you. What had started as a mission that you had been forced onto months ago due to being the lowest on the ladder in terms of seniority has quickly become your favorite team to work with. No other group compares to the 11th Street Kids, and you’re including the stint where you were an unofficial member of the Bat Family.
Peacemaker looks at Harcourt after he’s finished the brief. “Okay, you can give everybody their roles for tonight.”
“Gee, thanks.” Harcourt rolls her eyes, but continues. “Economos, you’ll be in the van hacked into the cameras and Han’s phone. Adebayo, you’ll be with Economos monitoring transmissions and providing backup if needed.
“Now, we don’t know where the dead drop is supposed to happen, so we’ll be split up to make sure we can adequately sabotage this meeting. I’ll cover the bar by working as a bartender. Smith, you’ll have the front of house by acting as a bouncer. Chase and Y/l/n, you’ll both be ‘patrons’ on the dance floor. Any questions?”
The team remains silent. On the scale of missions you’ve completed together, this is pretty standard. Still, you can’t shake the nerves that you have, because tonight you’re going on a fake date.
A fake date with Adrian.
A fake date with Adrian, who you have a crush on.
Harcourt and Adebayo have told you multiple times that he has just as much of a crush on you as you do on him, but you doubt that. After all, you’ve heard him say time and time again that he doesn’t have emotions like a normal person. You may have broken him down enough to see his friendly side, but does he even have the capacity to like you in a romantic way? If this weren’t a serious mission, you’d assume that you were placed together so that you’d be forced to admit your feelings to each other.
You know the actual reason why Harcourt assigned both of you together, of course. The blueprints of the building show a large dance floor/bar area for patrons, too big for one person to cover. Since you and Adrian look the least like undercover black ops agents (Adebayo and Economos too, but Adebayo is terrible at lying and Economos is needed for tech stuff), it makes sense to pair you up with him. This simultaneously makes you want to throw up and jump for joy.
Adrian must notice the way that you nervously drum your fingers against your leg while loading the handgun you’ll keep concealed on you, because he bumps his shoulder against yours and smiles at you. “Hell yeah, dynamic duo back at it again!”
You’ve been paired with Adrian for a few missions, both of you working extremely well together. He calms your nerves, you calm his…everything. That’s probably yet another reason why Harcourt gave you these roles. You balance each other out in the best of ways. It will be difficult for him to calm your nerves tonight, however, when he’s the one causing your nerves.
“Undercover dynamic duo,” you note, since this is a rare mission where no uniforms are used. Instead, you’re all dressed like civilians.
You both get out of the van a couple of blocks away from the bar after enough time has passed since Harcourt and Peacemaker left, and you have to admit that Adrian cleans up really well, though that could be because Harcourt had given you all wardrobe changes for tonight’s aliases. Scratch that. You don’t ‘have’ to admit anything. He does clean up well, but you like the way that Adrian looks no matter what. Tonight, however, he’s been forced to switch out his usual quarter-zip sweaters and nerdy graphic t-shirts for a button down, short-sleeved shirt that frames his muscles deliciously. You assume it’s to make it look like you’re actually a couple on a date, but you’ll still thank Harcourt for the eye candy anyways.
His muscles are so distracting, in fact, that you nearly jump when you feel his hand brush against yours. You look up at him only to see him looking as surprised as you. “What ya doing, there?”
“Well, we’re supposed to be on a date, right? People on dates, like, hold hands and shit.”
“Oh.” He’s right, of course. Still, you hadn’t expected him to be so…forward. You had thought that you were going to have to be the one to make this act convincing, not the other way around. “Um, yeah. Let’s hold hands, I guess.”
Shyly this time, Adrian slides his hand into yours, interlocking your fingers with his. You both smile at each other before looking away, though you can see the way that the back of Adrian’s neck is heating up.
The line to get into the bar is thankfully short, and you’re in in a matter of minutes. You both nod to Chris, who’s standing inside next to the door doing his ‘job’ as a bouncer. If you didn’t know who he was, you’d think that he was very experienced at this job. Your eyes immediately sweep the room, checking for any sign of your targets. They’re not here, which you had been expecting. It won’t be an on-the-dot affair, from what Economos has gleaned from Jacob Han’s communications. There’s a certain time slot he gave Lexcorp’s representatives, of 11:15 to midnight. It’s your job to wait around until they show up.
The comm in your ear crackles to life, and you can assume from the way that Adrian stills that his does, too. “Alright guys,” Economos says, “it is currently 11:10 and we are fast approaching dead drop time. We only have forty five minutes to secure the formula and stop Han from making the deal with Lexcorp. Adebayo and I have successfully hacked into his phones, yes, plural, and will be monitoring to see when he arrives.”
“Hey, do you wanna go get a drink?” you ask Adrian after Economos has signed off.
“Uh, sure. Yeah, a drink sounds good.” You lead him to the bar, your hand still clasped in his, and try to act like you don’t know the blonde woman with a killer resting bitch face that comes up to serve you.
“What can I get for you guys?” From the way that Harcourt handles herself in this position, you have to assume she did some sort of bartending back in college.
You turn around to look at the man behind you. “What do you want, Adrian?”
“Oh, I’ll just have a beer.”
“Two Bud Lights, please,” you order. Harcourt quickly grabs the beers and takes the caps off. “Is it worth it to dance here? Some bars say they have dancing, but it ends up not being much.”
“I’d wait a few minutes and enjoy your drinks at a table before dancing. The music doesn’t get good here until about 11:30.”
“Great, thanks.” You slide a ten across the bar for the drinks before glancing at Adrian. “Wanna go grab a table then?”
He nods and takes the lead this time, moving through the crowd of people with ease until he comes across a table that’s empty. You both gratefully fall into the empty seats, and you take a large drink of your beer before setting it down. “You were asking Harcourt when we should move positions, right?” Adrian whispers across the table to you, the subtlety of that conversation going over his head like usual.
“Yeah, just wanted to make sure that we were in the right spot.”
It’s easy to fall into the routine of work, and you both silently begin to watch for any sign of Jacob Han or the Lexcorp reps (red headed woman, man with star tattoos on his knuckles, or Lex Luthor himself, you remind yourself of the characteristics you’re meant to be watching for) entering the bar. After you confirm that none of your targets have arrived, you look back at Adrian only to find that he’s already looking at you.
You laugh nervously at the attention. “What?”
“Y’know, if this was a real date, I’d tell you how nice you look tonight.”
Your breath catches in your throat, and you’re thankful that you hadn’t taken a sip of your beer because you could guarantee it would be spit out on the table right now. Deflecting with humor, you say, “But it’s only a fake date, so that means I don’t look nice?”
Adrian’s cheeks go red. “That’s not what I–I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant that being on a real date would give me the chance to say that you look nice. You always look nice, but tonight you look–I’m just gonna shut up now.”
“So do you think I look nice or not?” you say with a laugh, teasing him now. Sometimes, Adrian needs a push in order to actually verbalize his feelings.
“Yes. You look beautiful tonight. There’s nobody else I’d want to be on a fake date with.”
“Thanks, you look really handsome too, fake date or not.”
“Seriously?” Adebayo’s voice comes through on your comm, and you and Adrian both jump at the sound of it. “You know we can hear you, right?”
“Y-yeah,” you stutter, “we’re just making sure we’re convincing to anybody that might be watching.”
“Mhm.” She doesn’t sound convinced at all, but thankfully she moves on. “Listen, Han just received a text that the drop is set to happen in twenty minutes, at around 11:40.”
“Do we know who’s receiving the drop?” Adrian asks, trying to make it look like he’s talking to you and not a voice in his ear.
“No, but it sounds like Han will be arriving first. Make sure to stay alert.”
“Will do. Keep us posted on if anything changes.” If there’s one thing that Adrian loves, it’s the thrill of the chase. His eyes gleam as he drums his hands against the table with a grin. “Almost go time!”
“You know that you can’t,” you drag your thumb across your neck to mime a killing motion, “right?”
Adrian rolls his eyes. “Duh, of course I know that! I can enjoy doing my job without doing the best part of my job.”
“Just wanted to make sure.” You hold your hands up to show that you didn’t mean anything by asking the question. Though you hope that he knows you’re just teasing, you want to show him as clearly as you can that he has nothing to worry about. “What are we supposed to do while we wait?”
Adrian thinks for a moment, and you can almost see the lightbulb that figuratively goes off over his head when he comes up with something. “Question, and you have to answer this seriously: would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or one hundred duck-sized horses?”
Arguing the pros and cons of which battle royale you would prefer to get into gets so heated and so in-depth that you very nearly miss Economos in your ear.
(“Okay, but a duck can’t exactly kill you,” you argue, “so I highly doubt that they become a killer duck when they’re bigger. Plus, being trampled by a hundred mini horses sounds like a fight I’d surely lose.”
Adrian shakes his head, raising a finger in the air to let you know that he was about to make a very important point. “A giant beak, though? Their creepy knife teeth would kill you easily, especially when they’re huge!”
“I’m pretty sure it’s geese that have the knife teeth, not ducks.”
His eyes narrow, not sure if you’re tricking him. “I’m gonna Google this.”)
“Eyes open everyone, Han should be entering the club in the next couple of minutes.”
You glance down at your phone screen to see that it’s almost exactly 11:40. Looking around the bar, you find the eyes of Peacemaker and Harcourt, who both nod in confirmation that they’re ready to proceed with the mission. Downing the last of your beer for another few drops of confidence, you and Adrian stand up.
“Shall we move this ‘date’ to the dance floor?” Adrian asks, shimmying his shoulders. You grab his hand once more and allow him to lead you to an empty spot on the dance floor.
It’s far more difficult to look like you’re having fun and dancing on a totally real date when you’re focused on constantly scanning the room for your target. Surprisingly, Adrian’s the one who looks more in character than you do. He’s smiling as he moves to the music, and it’s all you can do to not gasp when he grabs your hips and pulls you in close.
“Loosen up,” Adrian whispers into your ear when he leans in to make it look like he’s kissing your neck. “You’re gonna blow our cover the second we see Han if you look like you’re looking for someone. He’s expecting an agency to try and stop him.”
You nod. “You’re right. I’m not good at multitasking.”
“Well you’re in luck, because I’m very good at multitasking. Just let me take the lead, yeah?”
“Yeah.” You move your arms to his shoulders and try to ignore the butterflies in your stomach that begin to appear when you realize how close you are to Adrian. “You know, fake date or not, this has been fun.”
“Really?” He grins in disbelief. “I’m a fun date?”
You go to respond, but stop when you see a shorter man with cropped hair slink in through a side entrance. “Han’s here,” you mutter. Adrian goes to look in your direction, but your grip on his shoulders tightens. “Don’t look!”
“Sorry!” he apologizes.
You move your hand up like you’re itching your ear, instead turning on your comm. “I have eyes on Han, he entered through a door in the back left side of the building. He’s sticking close to the walls right now, and it looks like he’s trying to find his intended meet-up.”
“I see him now, too,” Harcourt says.
“Me three,” Peacemaker chimes in.
“Whoever has the chance to stop this drop, do it. We don’t have time to come up with a sophisticated plan,” Adebayo directs.
“Fuck,” Adrian hisses to you, “he’s going into the bathrooms!”
You and Adrian are the closest to the bathrooms, and you’re the only ones who will be able to leave their positions without drawing attention. But how do you get both of you into a bathroom without looking like you’re going to subdue a target? Suddenly, it hits you. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course,” Adrian responds.
Though he tells you that he trusts you, he’s still surprised when you pull him towards the bathrooms and lock your lips with his. You lean up against the wall next to the bathroom and pull his body weight on top of yours.
“What—”
“Just follow my lead,” you say against his lips, “I’m gonna get us in there.”
“Fine by me.”
It’s fine by you, too. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t had many a daydream about what it would be like to kiss Adrian, and you’re happy to report that it’s so much better than anything you could have imagined. His lips are a little chapped, not that you mind when they’re so warm and pressed over yours. The urge to run a hand through his curls is too strong to resist, and you’re glad that you don’t since Adrian moans when you do. His hips grind against yours, making you gasp.
It’s all that you can do to remember that this impromptu makeout session has a point. Moving you both down the wall, you land against the door Han had gone into before fumbling with the doorknob. Unlocked, thankfully, because he’s still waiting for his Lexcorp contact. The door falls open behind you, and Adrian holds you tighter as you stumble backwards into the bathroom. You had only meant to make it look like you were too wrapped up in each other to notice your surroundings, but it turns out you’re actually too wrapped up in each other to notice your surroundings when someone awkwardly clears their throat.
Adrian pulls his lips away from yours only so that he can glare in the direction of the man who interrupts you. “Um, we’re a little busy here, dude.”
Jacob Han stands in front of both of you, looking more than a little amused as he wipes his hands on a paper towel. “You two lovebirds are the ones who barged in on me, not the other way around.”
You hide behind Adrian in mock embarrassment and silently lock the door behind you as Adrian says, “Sorry, we…”
“Hey, you don’t have to explain anything to me. I’ve been in your position a few times, buddy.” Han looks at his phone. “I am gonna have to assert dibs on this bathroom, though. I’m waiting on someone.”
“Yeah, that’s totally fine. No worries.”
The bathroom is small, just two stalls and a little sink. Small enough that Adrian barely has to take a step before socking Han across the face. He barely has time to straighten up again after the hit before Adrian’s got an arm around his neck to cut off his air flow. You can only watch and keep an ear against the door to make sure that nobody tries to enter in the thirty seconds it takes for Han to lose consciousness. When he finally does, Adrian lowers him to the floor.
“Yuck,” you complain as you go to your knees on the dirty floor to begin searching Han’s pockets.
Wallet, keys, wrappers, gum: you’re finding everything but the metahuman formula. You run your hands up and down his sides when you finally feel a lump inside of his jacket. Pulling it off of his body, a zippered pocket stands out on the inside. When you unzip it, you find not just one, but two flash drives. You grin when you grab them, holding them up to show Adrian.
“Nice! Now we just gotta get rid of,” he lightly kicks Han’s leg, “this guy.”
A small window catches your attention. “We could always just toss him out?”
Adrian presses his comm. “We’ve got what we need, and we’re going to remove the target through the window.”
“Get him out quickly and I’ll hide him a little better. Reconvene at the van in ten minutes,” Adebayo says.
You grab one arm and Adrian grabs the other, both of you working together to haul Han over to the window. Though you’re both not weak by any means, ‘dead weight’ has a literal meaning.
“On three we toss him out, okay?” Adrian asks. When you give him a thumbs up, too out of breath to say anything, he nods. “One, two, three!”
Han’s body crashes harshly against the bags of trash that sit against the wall outside, and you cringe at the sound. He’s definitely gonna be sore when he wakes up tomorrow. After you both straighten up and make it look like you didn’t just get rid of a (still living) body, you unlock the door and nonchalantly make your way out. There’s a few stragglers in this hallway, and they all smirk at you when you exit, obviously having a different idea of what you just did in that bathroom.
Ducking out of the same door that Han entered through, you take a deep breath of the cool night air. The van is still parked a couple blocks away, which means you’ll have to walk to the rendezvous point. After the excitement of tonight, you don’t mind a nice walk to calm down. Adrian grabs your hand before you do, and you look at him in surprise.
“The mission’s over now,” you remind him, “we don’t have to be on a fake date anymore.”
“Maybe I want to be on a date with you for a little bit longer.” Adrian continues to stare straight ahead, but his face sports a blush deeper than any you’ve seen on him tonight.
You’re in disbelief over this, but in the best way. You had thought that the kissing would have crossed a line, and you were more than prepared to apologize profusely over this. “Really?”
“I thought it was obvious that I enjoyed that kiss, and this mission, way more than any other mission.”
“Even the mission where you finally got to kill someone with a chainsaw?”
Adrian grins at the memory of taking out a remaining faction of butterflies on a rural farm and having no weapons to destroy them but the chainsaw hanging on the wall. Still, he nods. “Even more than that.”
“But…you always say you don’t have emotions like a normal person. You–you like me?”
He struggles to find the words for a minute, but you’re content to wait for him to figure it out. “I’ve kinda figured out that it’s not that I don’t have emotions, it’s that I don’t understand my emotions. I have them, but I don’t really know how they work. Liking you is really the only emotion that comes easily to me.”
“I like you too, Adrian.”
He grins in disbelief. “Oh man, Peacemaker and Adebayo were right!”
“Maybe we could try out a real date soon? Say, Friday night? I still haven’t had the chance to check out that arcade you always talk about.”
Adrian’s eyes shine under the street lights, and he grips your hand a little tighter. “That’d be–that’d be fun! I’ll even let you win at skee-ball, if you want.”
“You’ll ‘let me’ win? Adrian, I don’t need you to let me win; I’m a master at skee-ball.”
Your comm turns on once again. “Vigilante and Y/l/n, where are you guys? You were supposed to rendezvous two minutes ago,” Harcourt says.
You look at Adrian, who hasn’t been able to stop smiling, with a grimace. “Sorry Harcourt, we’re on our way now.”
“Hurry it up!” Peacemaker complains. “We gotta hear how your make out with Vig got you guys the formula.”Adrian’s embarrassed face must match yours, but you can’t help the giggles that escape both of you. Hand in hand with Adrian, you continue on to the van. When you appear at the end of the street and those waiting around the van see, whispers of “goddammit” and “I knew it!” are heard as money exchanges hands before either of you can know about the bet that’s been on for a month.
#i really don't know what you guys will think of this#but i like it#adrian chase#adrian chase x reader#adrian chase imagine#vigilante#vigilante imagine#vigilante x reader#peacemaker vigilante#peacemaker#peacemaker hbo
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the insane thing(s) that happened to me yesterday
god uh where to begin uhhhh right. okay. so.
I have lived in Nova Scotia, within an hour of Halifax, my entire life. and of the four(?) Stanley Cup parades that have occurred in the city within that time, due to a variety of circumstances I've never gotten to attend a damn one. I've never so much as laid eyes on the damn thing in person. this has vexed me mildly for years
originally, I lamented that Nate had scheduled his parade on a deeply inconvenient day for me personally, but then schedules changed and it turns out there was actually a good chance I would, potentially, be free at the time of the parade, albeit stuck on the wrong side of the harbour. sure enough, my boss was an absolute g and let us all leave when we ran out of things to do in the morning, so I immediately beelined it across the harbour via transit (including a VERY crowded ferry) just in time to meet my roommate at the library and watch Nate’s parade go by from the air-conditioned third floor window, because my roommate is a genius.
there he is all tiny and holding the thing! wow! and also saw Cogs and Landy in their horse-drawn cart lol. alright well that took two seconds, bucket list item complete, time to go I guess!
I then split off from roommate, who wants to save money by making lunch at home, and head further downtown to get a burger and a vodka soda from Five Guys. then I wander over to Grand Parade to catch the end of Nate’s little speech, and yet another distant glimpse of the man and his Cup!
again, emphasis on distant.
alright well that’s done, now time to go find a spot to eat my burger and finish this drink. on impulse, I decide to wander slowly down to the waterfront to my favourite snack shack to get a slushie and try to find a seat by the water. it’s eight million degrees out so everyone on earth has the same idea and the line is super duper long and the area is incredibly crowded. but whatever, I have no place better to be today. I'll wait.
while I’m standing in line is when I start to notice the people moving through the crowd carrying columns of burgundy, blue and white balloons.
at first I think that they must have swiped them from the festivities on Grand Parade, which is an amusing thought. but then I realize they’re taking them into the staff entrance at the back of a large boardwalk patio restaurant, the Salt Box Beer Garden. watching them, I also start to notice that an entire half of the restaurant has been tarped off, is visibly empty of patrons (during a very busy boardwalk lunch hour on a beautiful Saturday afternoon), and has a small portable washroom trailer like the kind you can rent for nice weddings set up inside the cordon. as I watch, I can see employees moving the balloon towers around and hanging up some Avalanche jerseys around the patio, and doing wild things like polishing the handrails and going after cobwebs in corners nobody will ever look in with a broom. the kind of stuff you do when you have important guests coming over.
slushie in hand, I am now intrigued, and beginning to suspect what this is - the Beer Garden must be rented out for whatever post-parade party is gonna be held once Nate and the Cup are done touring the city later today. it's mid-afternoon, absolutely lovely down here by the water, and I have no obligations, so I set up at a picnic table with a decent view, pour the rest of the vodka soda into my slushie, dig into the burger, and amuse myself with observing the goings-on and relaying what I'm seeing to a few friends. this is an area of town that I often hang around in on warm days anyway, so even if I sit here all day and see nothing, that's by no means a waste of an afternoon. maybe if I stick around long enough, I can get a little closer glimpse of some of the NHLers over the tarp, or of the Cup! perhaps even the so-far-elusive Sid the Kid...
several very chill boardwalk hours later, it's a bit after five, the band has started up inside, and the security guys who showed up a while ago have begun letting people who show up and say the right things in through a gate to the left of those trash cans. I've gone through a second slushie, had my picnic table stolen by a family of tourists while I was sitting at it (leading me to move down onto the steps in front of it, which are closer to the gate and comfier anyway), and had a very relaxing afternoon. I'm clearly not the only person who has caught on and started hanging around, either, as by now there are a lot of other people standing about on the steps. my portable battery pack has finally died and I'm starting to do the math on how much longer I can stick around before I have to leave.
then, while fiddling with my phone, I hear a kid on the steps to my left shriek "OH MY GOD IT'S HIM!!" as the crowd breaks into excited murmurs.
I look up, then look down the boardwalk to my right.
reader, if I'd stood up and taken four steps forward, I could've touched the damn thing.
(and then presumably been tackled by that large bearded man, who seemed to be some kind of security)
Nate raised the Cup for the little gathered crowd as we whooped, and then took it into the already-started party to the sound of delighted welcoming cheers. those of us on the boardwalk mostly stood around murmuring to each other, like, "wow, did that really just happen?" and then we all sorta dispersed our separate ways. I went to buy a Beavertail pastry and find a power outlet, and then departed into the warm summer night.
and to think, a week ago, I hadn't even expected to make it to the damn parade!! I'll never resist the urge to go buy a slushie again
(the second insane thing that happened to me actually deserves its own post, but let's just say I also had a little cryptid sighting...)
#iiiiiiinsane#pls be normal with this post that's all i ask#nathan mackinnon#colorado avalanche#nate mackinnon#stanley cup#the stanley cup#long post
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So, I've been reading the first part of GeminiWillow / @somereaderinblue's Purple Hyacinth AU, Part the First, Hush, little baby (don't say a word). I, of course, have been getting emotionally devastated by it. (The AU is that Tesla is born with Knives and Vash was the first Independent Plant and suffers Tesla's canonical fate. Also, Rem and Luida have switched roles, Ship 3 and Ship 5 switch roles. Also, from reading tidbits on their tumblr, it seems that Livio/Razlo are going to be the "Wolfwood" for Tesla).
I brainstormed a bit of it with them, having seen their proposal and sharing ideas. This is NOT a co-write. I'm just eager to see where it goes.
Now, one thing I have noticed when reading Hush little baby is that there is a LOT of obvious inspiration from two chapters of my own long WIP (Rem Lives AU), Survivor's Guilt - Chapters 6 and 7 specifically, which are flashback-chapters to the Tesla situation. PH-author drew the surnames of SEEDS-crew from my fic, which they thought were canonical. (I corrected them and anyone who reads comments on that. I nicked the names from The SCP Foundation as a reference to another media with morally dubious scientists). There are other similarities, as in, a lot of inspiration from my fic, as well as some things I've seen in other people's fics there (that handle Tesla), as applied to Vash. There are some unique things in there, too (like, now I'm kind of kicking myself for not even thinking of having Tesla share dreams with the dependent Plant-sisters like Vash does, but it would have made my chapters too long and my story was Rem-centric / firmly in her POV even as it was third-person).
I kept thinking about why I am very chill regarding people borrowing some ideas and a bit of style from my fanfictions.
Well, first of all, it's because we're all writing fanfiction - simply put. We aren't being entirely original here, as we are expanding upon a source-material that we don't own the copyright to. Also, we are limited in scope because of said source material.
Second is an experience I had about 2 years ago in another fandom.
There was someone whom I was doing some fic-collaboration with because we mutually had some OCs we admired - like "Can I use your OC in a fic as a cameo-mention?" and so forth. It was pretty common in the teeny, tiny sub-fandom of a big fandom I'd found myself in because said tiny sub-fandom were for a bunch of literal clone / cult-survivor mook characters who did not canonically even have names let alone individual backstories and could be shaped to fan-creator's wills in the aftermath of the canon on the premise that they'd finally gained their freedom. It was pretty much "Instant OCs, just add imagination" without running into the messiness of self-inserts / "sonas." This tiny sub-fandom also started doing pretty much a collective fanon regarding the culture that these types of characters would develop and what they had in their former lives as soldiers. I wound up on a Discord for this sub-fandom and its fanons and I introduced the concept of roleplay to it, but the person who ran the Discord was obviously uninterested, so they made a separate Discord for it and set up a few folders and moderators. Problem was, I was made one of the Mods without knowing much of dip about Discord's functions and the person who'd set it up set up a bunch of folders based upon one popular fanficcer's locales, probably without their permission.
In addition to this, I'd wanted to do a roleplay-story with one other person, but borrowing some of said fanficcer's ideas. I contacted them privately and discussed what was allowed and what was off-limits and proceeded. I had apparently misread some of it, because before I knew it, I had this person I'd once collaborated with roaring out the gate that I was plagiarising them, using things without permission and they also were upset over the folder-locale names (and didn't seem to want to listen to me when I told them I was not responsible for those, but they were besties with the forum creator, so I think I got scapegoated).
It coincided with me being once a very admired fanficcer in the fandom to being "that person on the forum who became the friend that nobody liked." I got into it with another person, and I could just feel the tension, like, my neurodivergence done got me again and I didn't understand how to human, so multiple people were annoyed with me.
I spiraled out of control - I'm bipolar, so I'm shit on the best of days, but this sent me into a full manic episode. I unfortunately lost my shit on a lot of people, which basically made absolutely no one want to listen to my side of it when I tried to explain that I had not, in fact, plagiarised and had simply made some permission-mistakes on something that wasn't even a public fanfic but was a two-person roleplay tucked away on a private discord that was never going to become a fanfic.
Paranoia-person who was all "wounded lamb, she plagiarised me!" (over a mistake I thought we'd discussed and worked out) turned the ENTIRE tiny-subfandom against me, plus the greater side of the fandom it had originally shot off from. This included someone who was not previously involved but who ran another popular Discord doing a public tumblr callout post telling the entire fandom not to interact with me anymore. This lead to me becoming suicidal. I had lost an entire friend-group and then-some.
Long story short, I'm not paranoid and have determined myself not to be a bitch. If someone in my fandoms likes some of what I am doing, as long as it's not copy-paste, they are free to borrow some stuff from me. You can borrow some of my ideas and style, as long as you add your own flair to it.
I don't want to hurt anyone like others have hurt me.
#fanfiction#rant#I do not discord anymore#I deleted my discord account entirely#I found I wasn't using it#the large communities intimidated me#and the smaller ones I was afraid I was going to bork up on#I have trouble talking to people in real time
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General WIP update - 21 Nov 2023
I've been having trouble lately focusing on what I want to work on. I'm trying to stay productive, so I'm bouncing between multiple projects, day by day, doing something on a project I can focus on that day. The above pictures are from the three major things I've done some work on in recent weeks. Porting Lara Croft to SFM, improving the female headparts from Skyrim, and the start of a Fledgling replacer for VTMB.
Big ol' wall of text after the cut.
Porting Lara's Casual Explorer outfit from TR:U to SFM:
I had an idea for a poster with Lara and Rayne nearly a year ago. The SFM port of Rayne I used before is poor, but I had no idea how poor it is until I popped it into Blender to clean it up. I decided to port the model myself, and also this outfit of Lara's, I just took this long to get around to it. Anyway, the major hiccup with Lara's model is that her clothing has some digital wizardry going on with the shaders, and I can't use that data in SFM because the Source engine doesn't have a shader like that.
Short version, the cloth and leather parts of Lara's outfits have multiple bumpmaps. A main bumpmap, and then smaller bumpmaps containing detail for the weave of the cloth and the texture of the leather. To get this data into SFM I had to combine things into a single texture, which sadly meant losing some of that fine detail. That work is done, so now I have to do the cleanup and technical work to get her into SFM. The one thing that will take longer is bringing her weight painting within Source's limitations.
Improved Female HeadParts for Skyrim:
I actually did another pass on the topology before I updated VV's model, I just didn't post about it because I wanted to have more to show. Going back to the project now, I immediately ran into problems when I went to update the shapes of the different races. I couldn't get the shape of the Redguard face to match the original mesh. Wondered/worried about it while doing other things, and then it clicked - certain vertices and edges form a sharper edge of a part of her face, and I'll have to keep these vertices and edges the same (or at least very close) as they were on the original mesh.
With that in mind I did another thorough pass on the topology. The above picture is the result. (Left is original, right is updated). The critical edges were the top of her cheekbones, and her chin. Combining this retopo with the original shapes from the .tri files looks very promising. Much better than my previous passes.
Fledling replacer for VTMB:
Despite the frustations the Malk replacer caused me, I feel a strong urge to make another one. I don't plan on working on her any time soon, other than building her base body. The last two pictures above are the female Tremere's second outfit, and a reference body I built in MakeHuman. Same as the Malk, I'll build her completely out of exsiting VTMB assets. I'm planning to use a face none of the fledlings use, I'm only putting her on the Tremere skeleton because I need the bones in her hair. She won't be a replacer for a specific clan. The plan is to take a mesh from VTMB and rebuild it over this reference, matching the shape and topology.
The reason I'm building the base now is because I'm hoping to learn from it. I'm still having a lot of trouble with topology around the joints, particularly the hip- and shoulder sockets, and hopefully studying/referencing/re-creating the topology from the MakeHuman mesh will help me with that. I'll take whatever I learn from this and use it to update VV and Heather's SFM ports (again), as well as update all the female Malk models. Will also apply it to the multiple other VTMB models I still want to port to SFM, as well as any custom models I put together.
Patreon
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Hello,first of all I want to say that you're a godsend to this community filled with people like TPK.
Second of all, sorry for the upcoming long post...
I've been a proud owner of a Silky Hornet (named...Hornet bc I suck at names) for almost a year now and she is a very happy girl (in Hornet standarts..lots of noises and brooding).
Since I have the space for it I made her a huge enclosure at my backyard similiar to the enclose she has inside so I can take her out to get some sun and have a change of pace while I work in my garden (don't worry I check the encosure everytime I take her out to make sure nothing got in or out) but lately there has been this..bug that visits her whenever she is in her outside closure.
At first my Hornet seemed..agitated or even angry towards this bug so I chased it away a few times. But it kept coming back and my Hornet got used to it and now they look and paw at eachother through the glass and chase eachother playfully around the enclosure.
I think it even tried to break my Hornet out from her enclosure, and my Hornet bought some of her berries for it to eat, but due to glass it couldn't take them.
For the longest time I wasn't able to fully see what kind of bug it was bc it always ran away when I approached it but after leaving some berries for it I managed to catch a glimpse at it.
It kinda looks like a mushroom?
It's fully white with a black face and it's head resembles a mushroom and honestly looks quite cute. Ever since I started leaving berries for it, it became more docile and even let me pet it once, so I think it might have had a owner before, I want to catch it without scaring it so I can take it to a vet for it to get checked for anything and possibly adopt it because both it and my Hornet seem fond of eachother.
Do you have any info on what kind of bug it is and how should I proceed with all this?
Sounds like a feral white lacehead! White laceheads are a domesticated insect that is rarer than other domesticated bugs, but very pretty. They can cohabitate with hornets, but remember that hornets can be territorial so if you keep the lacehead she should have her own enclosure. They can be together on neutral ground though!
When they’re together, keep an eye on them. Laceheads like to spar for fun, but your hornet may not understand (especially since they’re different species) or want to partake in a play fight. Learn to tell the difference between a play fight and a real fight—a real fight will make a lot more noise and they’ll try to hit each other’s bodies, as opposed to play fighting where they’ll merely hit each other’s weapons together.
Laceheads aren’t my specialty, but a visit to a lacehead-savvy exotic vet is a very good idea.
Fun fact: While the first captive hollow knights originated in the long-fallen Hallownest civilization of Australia, domesticated laceheads are from another civilized area called the Pharloom. The people of Pharloom are doing well to this day, upholding their culture and their faith as best they can. They were introduced to the silky hornet a very long time ago, which found its way into their folklore, and they worship it as the goddess of silk and song, two things they consider very important. (This is where the Silksong myth started!)
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ok i literally just got here and i actually found you by coincidence in here rather than by your fic (i'm actually not sure if we have any fandoms in common but i loved your blog 😅) BUT. for the fanfic ask meme: questions 1 and 9 for your latest fanfic, and 3 and 11 for your first ever fic! (bonus question: at what age did you write said first fanfic?)
HELLO!!! (I'm sure if you dig enough you can find a common fandom of some kind or another between us :D and if not? that's just as much fun!!) Thank you for sending an ask!
So... here goes... (I am assuming it's for this ask meme, if not then you're getting the answers for this one anyway lol)
1 & 9 for my latest fic which would be soaked soul, bone deep tired
1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?
this fic was from Steter Week and I did a smushed mess of all the prompts (visual and words) for each day and each of the visual prompts gave me a bit of a vibe I wanted for each day and I just ran with it once the inspiration finally hit. mostly I wanted to write Stiles as the more feral of the two. that was the big inspiration I guess?
9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?
there were no other versions of the fic but I did end up rewriting the 3rd chapter a couple of times before I managed to hit the right vibe for it that I was going for
3 & 11 for my first fic. I have no idea what my first fic would be for sure but my first posted on Ao3 (First Breath) is from just over 10 years ago so it would probably be around that time...
3: What’s your favorite line of narration?
probably the last lines: The rest of the guys share a knowing look - the crowd was theirs now. They were trapped in the clutches of a predator they never even saw coming.
11: What do you like best about this fic?
honestly just the fact that I actually wrote it and posted it and it has a lot of good memories of first getting into fandom as a writer and actually putting my stories out there for people and making new friends
Bonus Question Answer: if we go with that posted fic on Ao3 then I would have been 25, almost 26 (my birthday is in November and I posted that fic not quite a month before my 26th bday) but I've been writing bits and pieces of original stuff since I was... 12 or so.
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Chapter 15 - Have You Ever...?
Summary: you ever just black out and beat someone half to death?
CONTENT WARNING: Violence, Blood mention
Axe woke up at 2 am after having another nightmare. He got up from his bed and quietly left the inn. The town was covered in complete darkness, and it was completely silent. Almost no one was awake at this time. Axe walked out of town, and just kept walking, no destination in mind. He just walked for the sake of walking. Where he'll go is for him to find out later.
Suddenly, he heard a kid scream for help. He ran to the source of the screaming and saw a cloaked figure kidnapping a Nidoran. He recognized the cloak, and felt an anger he had not felt in years rise up inside him. They weren't supposed to be here. They weren't supposed to be anywhere. He put an end to them. All of them. And they were doing the same thing they did all those years ago. The very same thing that started his whole ordeal. What forced him to kill his brother. He kept getting more and more enraged, and then everything went dark.
---
Kilo woke up in a void. It was pitch black, not a single bit of light. It was also very cold. Way below freezing, actually. Absolute Zero, to be exact. He just floated in place. He could only watch the nothingness, unable to do anything. He couldn't even shiver, as it was that cold.
"Oh, I've been here before! The Heat Death sure sucked a lot, to be honest… Why am I dreaming about it now?"
He wanted to look at himself, as he was curious about whether he would look like his original form or his Toxtricity form in his dream. But Absolute Zero means a complete halt of everything, even light. So he couldn't see himself.
Kilo woke up with Sierra's hand on his head. Kilo immediately started shivering, even though it wasn't that cold anymore. But the fact that his mind felt that temperature made him uncontrollably shiver regardless.
"Woah! Kilo, what's wrong? First, your entire body was really hot, and now you're shivering? Are you okay??" said Sierra, who sounded really concerned for Kilo's health.
Kilo stopped shaking after a few moments. "Y- Yeah… Just a… really cold dream."
"But… you weren't shivering when you were asleep…"
"Have you ever heard of the term 'Absolute Zero?'"
Sierra shook his head. Kilo took a deep breath as he was about to explain everything about his dream.
"Okay, so Absolute Zero. Really cold. Coldest temperature possible, actually. You literally cannot get colder than Absolute Zero. Nothing moves. Nothing can move. Movement makes heat, so in Absolute Zero, the absence of ALL heat, there cannot be any movement. So. You can't really shiver if it's that cold. I still feel really cold, actually…"
Sierra wrapped his arms around Kilo to provide some body warmth. "But your body was heating up while you were asleep. Actually… It's still pretty hot. Why?"
Kilo shrugged. "Maybe my body was trying to heat up to counteract how cold I felt?"
"Why was your dream in such a cold temperature, anyway?"
"Ever get dreams of random events that you actually experienced?"
Sierra nodded in response. He did not like where this was going.
"Cool, Have you ever wondered how the universe will end?"
---
It took the rest of Treasure Town about a week to realize that the Blastoise and Blaziken from the Air Continent are indeed THE Blastoise and Blaziken from the Air Continent. And as soon as they realized this, they started crowding around the two. They kept asking questions, asking for autographs, and more.
"Can you do this later? I'm really hungry right now," Pyra grumbled, very annoyed.
Nero bluntly said "I'm busy" before picking up Pyra, putting her on his shoulders, and walking through the crowd, completely disregarding anyone in his way.
The two ordered some take out before going back into town. They'd been there for about a week already, and they had no idea what they should do. So, they went to Treasure Town's Xatu, who was the brother of the Air Continent's Xatu.
"Hey, Xatu's little bro," Pyra said, slightly annoyed. "Any news from your brother? He sent us here to deal with this 'catastrophe' but he hasn't told us a single thing about it!
Xatu picked up a Treasure Chest from beneath the counter. It looked as if it were already opened, but there was something inside. Xatu was reaching for something inside. "So you're the ones who keep annoying my brother…"
The Blaziken had a very bad feeling about this. But before she could say anything, Xatu grabbed two Orbs from the Chest and threw them at Nero and Pyra. The Orbs shattered on impact, but didn't actually do any damage (except for the getting-smacked-in-the-face-with-the-orbs part).
"Have you ever thought about being patient for once in your life?" Xatu whisper-yelled. "He told me how much you two harass him."
---
Axe was in the middle of what he assumed to be a forest. He looked down at his feet and saw a Quilava who was almost beaten to death. Axe's throat felt dry, as if he had been yelling, but he doesn't remember doing anything like that recently. Actually, he doesn't remember how he got here. Nor anything that happened today. But he felt slightly angry, and he didn't know why. He crouched down to check if the Quilava was okay.
"Who did this to you?" Axe asked, also noticing claw marks on the Quilava's legs. The Quilava didn't say anything, but pointed at Axe. Axe couldn't even remember meeting anyone, let alone hurting them this much. He looked up at the sky and realized it was also noon. So about 8 hours had passed from what he last remembered. He felt a little guilty about attacking the Quilava, before noticing a cloak with a specific pattern he recognized. "Is that yours?" Axe asked. "Y-yeah… you… ripped… it off…" the Quilava responded, having to take deep breaths between every word.
Axe no longer felt guilty about beating up the Quilava. But he decided to give him an Oran Berry, as he didn't want him to die. Yet.
"How you answer my next questions will determine whether or not you live."
The Quilava was terrified, and could only nod in response.
"One: How many of you are there?"
The Quilava took a few minutes to catch his breath. "I… don't know… My mind is… all hazy…"
"But there are more, right?"
"Yeah… they… they brainwashed me… I… don't know how long it's been… I-" He looked to the side and saw the Nidoran he was kidnapping. He started crying. "Oh Arceus, they were going to make me do the same thing they did to me…"
"Do you know where they are?"
The Quilava shook his head. "I can't remember… I'm so sorry…"
Axe picked up the cloak on the floor. "It's a good thing you snapped out of it when you did. I might've killed you otherwise."
The Quilava pointed at the cloak. "That's… how they control us…"
"Hmm. Guess I'll destroy it, then. I still feel the urge to rip something to shreds." He bit into the cloak and just started having at it. It was completely destroyed. The Quilava then set the shreds on fire.
"Final question: What's your name and pronouns?"
"Uhh… Obsidian, and he/him." He wasn't really expecting such a personal question.
Axe then noticed a Nidoran tied up in ropes and released him. Then he pulled out an Escape Orb to teleport the three to Treasure Town.
---
"Yeah, so the most horrifying part isn't watching everything that's left slowly die, because by the time you see it, they've been dead for who knows how long. The most horrifying part is actually what comes after . The complete nothingness. Pure silence. Pure darkness. Nothing moving. As if time itself had stopped. And it's so so cold. Just thinking about it makes me shiver…"
Sierra, Uni, and Delta had listened to Kilo explain how he had lived long enough to experience the death of his universe. They were absolutely horrified to hear what he had been through.
"No offense," Uni said, "but how old are you?"
"The large star in the sky during the day, that's called the Sun, right?" said Kilo, as if it were somehow related to Uni's question. Uni said yes, but he was pretty confused on where he was going with this.
"Assuming it took the same amount of time for your Sun to form as it did for mine, I guess I'm…" Kilo trailed off. "Oh shit," he whispered to himself, hoping Delta didn't hear that.
"What's wrong?" asked Sierra.
"I'm… I'm older than this entire universe… Ten times over…" Kilo got up, sat in a corner, and put his hands on his head as he was having a crisis about how old he was.
---
BOARD GAME NIGHT EVERY NIGHT, BABY!! WOOOOO!!!
This time, Nero hosted Board Game Night outside in the middle of town, because way more people are joining this time. Mostly to get close to the famous duo, but it couldn't hurt to play a game or two, right? Or three. Or maybe twenty-eight. Because he brought twenty-eight board games. And much, much more. Because to Nero, Board Game Night isn't just for what people usually consider board games, but rather any tabletop game. Want to play Go Fish? There's some decks of cards at a table. Maybe you're in the mood for a puzzle? There's a whole area for that.
"Welcome to Board Game Night!! There's… a LOT of people tonight, wow. I had to move everything outside just for tonight, hah."
Nero pointed to a table with a large box. "To your left is the 'Table of Infinite Dungeons (not the Mystery kind)' where you, along with a group of any size, can embark on an adventure, where everyone together creates the story!" Nero then pointed to another table with decks of cards, boxes full of puzzle pieces and other stuff. "To your right is the Solitaire Area. Anything that you can play by yourself will be there. Of course, if you somehow find a way to play them with multiple people, no one's gonna stop you."
Nero then sat down at the center table. "This is the Tutorial Table. Just like, grab any board game and plop it down here and I'll teach you how to play."
Suddenly, Axe, Obsidian, and the Nidoran appeared. The Nidoran went home. Obsidian was bleeding everywhere, so Axe took him to the hospital. Everyone just watched as Axe took him away. As soon as they left their field of vision, they went back to gaming.
Kilo and the rest of the team showed up to Board Game Night too. In fact, all of the humans (except Axe, who was at the hospital) had also shown up.
Kilo picked up the deck of UNO cards and sat down with Nero. "I see you have UNO," said Kilo. "Have you ever heard of DOS?"
#pofatrgwf#the power of family and this random guy we found#pokemon mystery dungeon#pmd#chapter 15#long post
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Yammering About Star Wars: Dark Forces Fanmade Levels
It's only been 4, nearly 5 months into the year, but I already know that Star Wars Dark Forces Remastered is my GOTY. I don't care that it's just the same game with a couple tweaks. I have been madly in love with this game since childhood, and the ability to play it in a way I can stomach (controller support) has only made me love it more.
However... There's only so many levels in this game. And the replay value barely exists.
Very few games make me yearn for their gameplay. In fact, I can only count two- The Kingdom Hearts series, and Dark Forces. Thing is, KH still technically has a couple games I've never beaten (the DS ones). Dark Forces... It's one game, with a set amount of levels.
That is, a set amount of levels made by the devs.
For you see, when I was a child and obsessed with the game, I discovered the magical land of fanmade levels. I would ask my dad to download them for me all the time, although because I was babby I just used cheats and barely beat any of them. But just playing the game was enough for me.
Now, since I'm an adult and can do what I want, I can just go download aaaaaall the levels. But... There's a slight caveat. None of them work with the Remastered version by Nightdive.
Turns out they don't have to.
Completely separate from Nightdive's remaster, it turns out that a couple years ago, a fanmade remaster engine entered 1.0. This was The Force Engine, made by a lot of the same people who ran the website I got levels off of as a kid, DF-21. And it has controller support. And quicksaves, which the remaster doesn't have. Honestly the only thing the remaster has over Force Engine is the weapon wheel- They didn't seem to be able to properly translate the original's camera movement to the right stick, whereas Force Engine feels a lot more modern. Of course, since the game was made in a specific way, it does mean that you can pan the camera a bit too much, leading to flying enemies like Probe Droids turning into thin cardboard cutouts if they're directly above you. If anything that probably is why Nightdive didn't let you have full camera control- Official releases can't allow that sort of thing, I get it.
Anyway, another perk that the Force Engine has over the Nightdive remaster is the ability to use and play mods. There's a set of levels on DF-21 that specifically were tested in Force Engine, namely a bunch of iconic ones from way back then. Every level that had a consistent rating of 4-5 stars is tested and approved.
Now, I want to stress that I don't regret spending money on Nightdive's remaster. If that turns into a success, the chance is very high that Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II and its expansion pack Mysteries of the Sith will also get a remaster. And that game does not have an equivalent to Force Engine, unfortunately. I'm really hoping Nightdive is allowed to tackle those games. Hell, with how archaic they are, it might turn into a full on remake.
Either way, I am extremely happy that I now have more Dark Forces to play. Unfortunately I am nearing the end of the available levels. I kinda hope that either the modding scene ramps up again, or someone is just straight up able to start modding for the remaster. We'll just have to see.
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G'day and welcome to my gutter castle. I'm bringing The Gutter Princess back out of mothballs.
So, why The Gutter Princess?
Simple! Two things that I've repeatedly heard from former partners was that 1) I belonged in the gutter and/or they had rescued me from the gutter, and 2) that they were treating me like a princess *snort*.
So in 2014 when I was brainstorming a name for my new blog and persona, The Gutter Princess sprang to mind.
So, what is The Gutter Princess?
Originally The Gutter Princess was a blog + FB Page that ran from 2014 – 2017.
When I created TGP it was because I needed somewhere safe that I could talk openly about the abuse that I have experienced over the decades. But it wasn't enough to explore this in another private journal ... I wanted, no needed, to shine a spotlight onto abuse, so that people that had been through something similar knew that they weren't alone, nor were they crazy - no matter what they had been told. Part of the reason that abusers continue to abuse is they are protected by a veil of secrecy that they operate behind. So if I could shine a spotlight onto the curtain they may be forced to step out from behind it - kinda like cockroaches scuttling away from the light!
I also wanted more people to be aware of what these survivors go through - why it's not easy for survivors to just leave, why red flags are hard to spot, why the idea that there are two sides to every story is doing far more harm in the long run ... and so on. But I couldn't do this under my own name, for several reasons. So I created The Gutter Princess ... a little more than a pen name, being a separate persona that I could speak more freely through.
So, why was The Gutter Princess mothballed?
I trusted the wrong people with my quasi-secret identity ... and also, my identity became tangled up with another toxic mess.
Oh, yeah! I also had a severe breakdown and as part of my recovery I spoke far more openly about my story through my poetry. So I put the project into mothballs! Or on ice if you like.
So, why is The Gutter Princess back?
I've reached a part of my recovery where I need to speak out more ... but I don't want this to an off-shoot of my other projects. This content doesn't necessarily belong in my other blogs - where I discuss my art, my projects, my family etc - but I didn't want to start up another new project either. And I never really let go of The Gutter Princess.
I wasn't sure about reviving The Gutter Princess as I came out as Genderqueer a few years ago ... and I didn't know if the persona still fit. But I was never a princess. I never saw myself as a princess. They did! At least that's what they'd tell me. And then I realised - I love to dress up, to wear costumes, and masks ... what does it matter what my gender is? The Gutter Princess is just another costume, after all! So it seemed fitting to don the persona again ... surprisingly it still fits! And it's ok if people know who is behind the mask ... it's just not something I'll be shouting from the turrets!
So I'm back in my gutter castle, with my tarnished crown and my tattered gown, ready to throw down, dig deep, and trash the place! All in the name of recovery and healing! It won't be pretty ... but it should be interesting.
So, tell us about the avatar!
My gorgeous avatar was created by Chris McQuinlan, in 2014. He took just enough of my features to use as a basis and created this wonderful avatar for me!
***
So here I am, the Princess of my own domain – The Gutter. So make yourself at home – we are fairly casual here - and I shall regale you with the life of a Gutter Princess.
#blog post#bloggingcommunity#blogging#bloggerlife#trauma#abuse survivor#abuse#cptsd#content warning#triggering themes#abuse awareness#mental health awareness#the gutter princess#princess of my own domain#healing through words#sharing our stories#taking back my crown#aussie writers
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Hiii I’ve had such a weird day today. So I’ve finally finished my gcses and I’ve got a massive holiday and idk what to do. I don’t feel real, nothings real. And honestly I feel like I might go feral or something. It’s only the first day of the holiday btw. I was seeing my dad but he was being super odd (like shaking and talking to people that aren’t there) and like also being embarrassing and other stuff so I went to the bathroom and decided to just leave without telling him. I legged it and ran and I felt so free omg. Like no one was stopping me and I didn’t care what I looked like or what the consequences were I was just running. Got home and he came and apparently he was gonna call the police. He left. Came back an hour later and asked me to do a tarot reading for him which was really random and it said that there’s just been some conflict in his life and he needs to listen more to the thoughts and needs of his child. Also it was this guy I was talking to two months ago’s birthday. I texted him happy birthday and he sent a video and honestly just his voice was such an ick. And then I started thinking like why did I try and get with him when I could’ve gotten with another guy who has a more exciting personality, a year older, seems nicer and isn’t a drunken whore. But no I thought oh he lives in London and my dad’s gonna be weird it will be easier to get the original guy. Why did I think that? Why did I go with the easier option? Aside from being tall he completely lacks purpose. Anyways just his voice grossed me out and I starting making a ramen imagining it was his head boiling and I was happily smiling as I stirred it. (Was nice ramen). Also other little things but overall weird first day of the holidays. I’m not gonna be surprised if I go into something that’s similar to a manic episode but it’s chill it’s part of the plot. 6/10
I hope you’re having a good day ✨🌸
Hii, Oh that is quite a whirlwind of the day. I completely understand that nothing's real almost void feeling and you just want to feel anything and do something I get that completely. I think if you can , it'd be a great thing to try to redirect that into a fun outlet. I'm glad you at least felt that freedom and you were able to give your dad some insight and hopefully it was a message he took to heart and he amends the conflict. Oh the realization that someone you essentially settled for was quite literally the worst person. Oh honey been there. Yeah settling for the easiest option or the one who is just there always just kinda ends up like that. Yeah it's never worth it to settle, always go for the one you truly want and never less. And that is a great way to get over that ugh feeling towards someone.
My day was fine, i learned about the human design chart, it's like astrology but times 1000. It's so fascinating. And so many things make sense. Like I've been trying to figure out why I've been in my friend's words too wild and free the past year and it's because I've been stagnant which doesn't align with my life path which is why I was trying to shake that stagnation up any and every way possible. And after a really bad encounter this past week where I've been around someone so void of energy that I couldn't read them, I was near tears in the car cause I felt such a lack of energy or feeling and it was just this heavy icky cold feeling that was the opposite of someone else who I felt just warm and safe around. my friend said he sounded like an energy vampire. And today I actually chose myself over wanting to just do anything. It's small but a really big step for me. Well I hope tomorrow is a much less weird day and you do something fun and have a happy experience. Just a do over to the beginning of your holiday.
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5/24/23
4AM again. Something always distracts me around these hours. Usually creative stuff. And I just go into that trance-like state, The Zone...
No complaints on that today, I decided to do another abstract ink drawing. It's been a while since I've done one. I'm not really minding this rotation from skull to ink drawing to beads. It works for me.
I strung the yellow beads onto the original hemp string I had reserved for them, but it's too short. I'm gonna prep another one tomorrow. But I also ran into another issue... the beads are kinda... tacky. Like...not like aesthetically tacky, I'm sure someone will like them... but like... physically tacky. Like... sticky. And I know it's the Mod Podge. So... I gotta figure out what to do about that, because that's gonna be a hard sell and doesn't really make me look good. I'll do some research tomorrow.
I woke up to a super vivid image today. It was just a dog's face, staring directly into my eyes, big pupils, big grin. And it was very dreamlike. If you've ever done acid... well, I only did once, but I remember vividly that peoples' faces started to look really cartoonish and... almost clown-like. It was very memorable, very unique and distinct, and this distortion of features felt very similar to that. And I'm like 90% sure it was my dog. And that was really tough. A year ago, this was the last... two weeks of her life. It still blows my mind that it's been an entire year. I still haven't adjusted. I feel bad because like... so much of my journal here has been talking about my cat. And I love her very much too, don't get me wrong. But I feel like my cat getting sick and dying kinda... I haven't given my dog's memory enough attention. And I miss the fuck out of her. My lock screen on my phone is still this picture I took when I was at the retreat place trying to get off of meds... and we were out in the driveway walking in the snow, and our footprint paths crossed, and I took a picture of that. My skate shoe imprints and her paw prints.
Again... it's that... I wish I could be nostalgic. I haven't looked backwards in time nostalgically in so long. In fact, I met someone on here a while back that was like... all about nostalgia. Which I envied, honestly. For the better half of a decade, I haven't really been able to look backwards in time without this deep feeling of dread and doom and shame cropping up. I can barely look through my photos on my phone. It's tough. And... I think it's just emotional overload. It started once I got off of meds. I think I just got really used to living without emotions, or with deeply subdued emotions... and then I had to completely re-learn how to be a sensitive person again. I don't know, it's my best theory so far.
So yeah, I don't want to dwell on grieving too much tonight. I will be doing plenty next week. I just wanted to bring that up because it was really resonant, to start your day with such a vividly powerful spirit staring you directly in the eyes. It was literally the second I woke up, like... I have really bad eyesight, and this like... static overlay on my vision... so like... when I woke up it was just this insanely vivid dog staring me in the eyes and then my eyes opened and there was the blurry fuzzy backdrop of the wood ceiling and windows with the afterimage of this dog over it and it faded. Like afterimages from looking at a light or something. It was really surreal, a very powerful moment to start the day with.
I was planning on doing groceries today, but I fucked around on Risk of Rain 2 while eating breakfast for too long and I missed the delivery window. I am still kinda kicking myself over that, but I have the delivery placed for tomorrow afternoon, so I'll just do it then. All's well that ends well. I put basil and green bean seeds on the shopping list, no clue if they'll actually get them, but it'd be chill if they did.
My plants are doing really well. My tomato is huge, almost a foot and a half tall now. The chili isn't that far behind. My philodendrons are finally starting to grow roots, and some are coming in pretty quick. The transplanted moss is in the terracotta Zen garden thing, and it's doing fine.
I got some granola and yogurt for breakfast and thawed some frozen mixed berries to have with it in the sun on the windowsill. When I finally bit into one of the blackberries, I got a mouthful of seeds. And I was just like... "oh... this gives me a very interesting idea." I know I've run across blackberries in the wild before, and they're very tasty. I know they live in my climate, and they grow like weeds. I was curious if the seeds could survive being frozen. And I searched online, and not only can blackberry seeds survive being frozen, they actually require being frozen and thawed to trigger germination. So... I spent a good chunk of the morning spitting seeds into a jar. I took the plastic grubhub container that had the moss growing in it, I poked some drainage holes and added a layer of potting soil. I put about half the seeds in there, and soaked the other half in water overnight - because some sites were suggesting soaking, some weren't. So... I guess we'll see if that turns into anything! If it does work, I likely won't get any fruit this year, but it's an investment in the future, you know?
I've got a nice little garden coming along here. :)
And... I think that's pretty much it.
OH. I was going to do a Tarot reading today. God, I keep forgetting shit lately. -_- Might as well do that now. I kinda fell out of the habit, but I honestly would really like to have that in my arsenal of things to offer people. Let's give it a whirl.
The question I'm asking is... "where am I going with my social life?" I'm doing a 3-card spread. The first position - Past - is: VIII - Strength, upright. (Overcoming fear, mastery of emotions through equilibrium and inner strength) The second position - Present - is: Page of Swords, inverted. (Childlike awe and wonder, epiphany. Encountering wisdom but unable to process it. Keen intellect, strong will, but lacks context and experience.) The third position - Future - is: XVIII - The Moon, upright. (Fluctuation, change. Ambiguity, inability to clearly distinguish things. Easy to misperceive objects or intentions. Easy to lose your step and be deceived.)
So... not all good news, but very helpful all-in-all. Let me try to stitch this together. So... in the Past... I had relied on my composure, my control of my emotions, in social endeavors - either through naïve bravery, a self-imposed "I'm cool, I don't care" attitude, or benzodiazepines. Often a mixture of several.
And, following that thread to Present... I hit disfunction... chaos... through deep realizations and insights, through my pursuit of knowledge and inspiration. Which is very true. My social life completely fell apart when I was swan-diving into the abyss of the Unconscious and deeply struggled to process or apply what I was discovering, and when I reached out for support socially... it destroyed my social network outright.
And... following that thread to the potential Future... change is coming. A-doyyy. Change is always coming... But Moon-change can be... reality bending, in my experience. Dream-like, surreal. So... this feels... cautionary. Maybe I'm being anxious? Maybe this is illuminating exactly what my anxieties are? I am very cautious of misperceiving situations or misreading people who do not mean me well, as in... assuming the best of those who mean me harm. I have been destroyed by that in the past several times, and Strength had me bullheadedly just look right past it, or try to "suck it up" and "be a good guy and immediately forgive and pretend it never happened". Being deceived. Ugh. Yeah, the Moon looks cool in concept, like... ooOOOooOo the Moooon, spooky, how cooool. But... as much as I like the mind-bendy psychological horror shit in theory... when it starts happening in real life... not a fan...
Sooo, stitching it all together... In the past, I relied on my inner strength, my willpower and emotional centering, to make me a rock for people. And when I reached a point where I shifted into a new phase of life, and unlocked a wealth of insight about myself and the world, this turned my social life upside down. And moving forward, I'm heading toward a world that is often not what it seems. My lack of trust... while hindering... may be well-founded. My guide on this recommends not making any big life changes when The Moon is present, because things in moonlight often look very different in daylight.
And my history, even recent history, has proven this very correct. I tend to idealize and see the very best in everyone... and then end up with two giant buckets of goat bones in my house that I don't know what to do with, a week after my dog died. You know, shit like that. And... I don't really know what to do to get better at reading those situations and reacting properly, so... I guess that's what I could be focusing on.
Cool, that actually gives me some direction, and a lot of insight. Glad I took the time to do that. It's definitely time to go to bed now, it's already light out.
Better vibes to end on? The yellow beads are done! (ish... i need to research the stickiness.) And I also have a batch of orange-red ones that are ready to work on, too!
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B O O K W Y R M R E A D A T H O N
Would a readathon have been perfect during March and/or April? Yes, but I was still working and didn’t have the chance to plan one. There’s a lot going on that is more important than a readathon right now, but also maybe we could use this as an excuse? An excuse to take a break for our mental health or an excuse to devour a couple of topical books? All I know is that I hope you will join me for the second round of the Bookwrym Readathon running from Monday, June 15 through Sunday, June 21.
The Bookwyrm Readathon includes daily prompts to encourage community interaction. The Daily Prompts include two questions (mostly) to allow more freedom in case a single question does not inspire participants. Participants can respond to as much or as little as they wish for each Daily Prompt. Participants are also encouraged to respond to the Daily Prompts in whatever format they are most comfortable with.
The Dragon’s Challenges are for those that like an extra challenge added to their readathon experience. Go ahead and challenge yourself to strike off as many challenges as you can over the course of the Bookwyrm Readathon.
D A I L Y P R O M P T S
Day Zero: To-Be-Read | Before the readathon starts, share what you are hoping to read. Don’t be afraid to be adventurous - you’re a dragon now.
Day One: Dragon’s Fangs | What is a book you devoured in one sitting? Oh, you’re not one to gorge yourself? What is an overused trope that makes you bare your fangs in anger?
Day Two: Dragon’s Claws | Sharpen those claws and get ready for a fight. Share an unpopular opinion. Or talk about a book or series that you didn’t like that everyone else does.
Day Three: Dragon’s Wisdom | Some dragons are known for being bloodthirsty and terrifying. Other dragons are known for the wisdom they have to share. Share a book, author, or booklr recommendation.
Day Four: Dragon’s Scales | Scales are a dragon’s natural defense, what ship(s) would you defend to your last breath? Not into shipping characters? What is a book theme that defends and builds that you strongly support? (Examples could include gun violence with The Hate U Give or LGBTQ+ stories such as Let’s Talk About Love)
Day Five: Dragon’s Wings | Take flight into the heights of imagination and share a book that took you to a fantastical world. Or share a book that has inspired you to reach for your dreams.
Day Six: Dragon’s Hoard | All dragons hoard things though many hoard vastly different things. What is the genre that makes up the majority of your personal library and that you would call your favorite? Or share some of your favorite bookish items such as a bookmark collection, bookish Funko Pops, fanart prints, or other paraphernalia from your favorite books and series that you have collected.
Day Seven: Dragon’s Magic | Ah yes, the magic of a lazy Sunday. That’s right, time for Tomes and Tea! Share a picture of your current read and reading treat. Not one for book photography? Take a moment to share a favorite quote, gush about a favorite character or scene, or rant about your least favorite read.
Day Eight: Wrap-Up | The mundane has returned and our fun is over. Wrap-up your whirlwind reading week with what you were able complete and your general opinion on what you read.
D R A G O N ’ S C H A L L E N G E S
Read a book under 150 pages.
Read a book over 450 pages.
Read an audiobook. (Or read physical if you usually read audio!)
Read a book that has been on your backlist for over a year.
Read a diverse book. (Might we suggest Black voices?)
Read a genre that is outside of your usual preferences. (Nonfiction on racism would be a great choice.)
BONUS: Read a book with dragons (or “monsters” if that isn’t your thing)
#books#reading#booklr#readathon#bookwyrmreadathon#bookwyrm readathon#i originally ran this like two years ago and i've been wanting to do another round since the day the first one ended#no time like the present i guess#please reblog even if you are not sure you'll particiapte#i really want to get the word out there
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I have a theodicy-adjacent question if that's alright. How can I offer prayers of thanksgiving without implying that God "likes me better" than They like other people? For example, I often want to thank God for keeping my loved ones safe through this pandemic, but it feels weird when so many have lost dear ones. I've learned a lot about how to wrestle with God through your ministry, but how to bring your positive feelings to God without toeing the line of a prosperity gospel-esque mindset?
Anon, I feel you! Some point a few years ago I had a similar unsettling realization. I knew that gratitude is important not only for our relationship with God, but for our psychological wellbeing — yet I felt so guilty for thanking God for things i knew others didn’t have. Did attributing the good things in my life to God imply that God wasn’t with those who lacked those good things?
I brought that guilt and discomfort to God (and still do, whenever it arises anew). asked Them to help me sit with it, accept it, and then transform it into something more fruitful.
guilt transformed to motivation. discomfort transformed to commitment. what i was left with was an understanding that i did not need to stop my prayers of thanksgiving, but to expand them.
i take time to really feel and express my gratitude for the abundance i experience. and then i ask God to help my gratitude move me to a desire for others to experience that abundance too. I ask for guidance in how i can help make that abundance happen in the the lives of those around me and far from me.
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i also make time for lament. many of us are taught how to ask God for things and how to thank God for things, but grief and lament are not taught. however, thanksgiving and lament are not opposites, but work together. they enrich one another. we need to take time for both.
a book that helped me embrace lament was Barbara Brown Taylor’s Learning to Walk in the Dark. You can read quotes and whole passages from it in my tag over here.
one of my favorite songs/psalms to sing/pray in lament is this one. The psalmist empowers us to question God, to ask why and how and when? and then the psalmist leads us to praise God anyway — to praise in spite of and with our doubts and our questions.
when we look at all the pain in the world — in our own lives, the lives of loved ones, the lives of those we don’t even know, and in the struggling pulse of all Creation — we feel all sorts of things. Distress, despair, anger, grief. But some of us are afraid to bring those feelings to God. We’d rather avoid the feelings in general, repress them, not sit inside them for a while. (And certainly, we should not wallow in the bad all the time.) Bt when we dare to assign intentional time to sit in those feelings, God sits in them with us.
And there is a strange thanksgiving in there, too — that we aren’t alone in the lament. We come to see that it is true that God does not will suffering upon any one of us — that the fact that sometimes i experience blessing while you struggle, or you find success while i go without, is not because God is choosing which happy few to bless that day. God really does will abundant life for all, and grieves when sin (individual, systemic, the rot that eats at this world) blocks that abundance for anyone.
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in continuing to make time to feel and express gratitude, and then to make time to lament and to both desire and participate in abundance for others, thanksgiving does not elevate me above others as “better” or “more blessed” than they are. instead, gratitude reminds me of how interconnected we are with one another. In the Body we all share, “If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it” (1 Cor 12:26).
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When abundance wins out in spite of sin, we rejoice! When it is we who enjoy that abundance, our gratitude should not lead to smugness or self-congratulations, but to humility. it should shape us, move us to bring similar abundance to others.
A book that has really helped me understand that concept is Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Braiding Sweetgrass (which you can read online for free).
Christian texts have told me that the appropriate response to all God’s gifts is gratitude, but it’s Kimmerer’s book that helped me digest and embody just what that means. We acknowledge abundance, and we use that gratitude to connect us to the giver, and to others to whom that giver would also share Their gift.
Here’s one passage from her chapter “The Gift of Strawberries,” starting on page 33 of the webpage linked above:
Even now, after more than fifty Strawberry Moons, finding a patch of wild strawberries still touches me with a sensation of surprise, a feeling of unworthiness and gratitude for the generosity and kindness that comes with an unexpected gift all wrapped in red and green. “Really? For me? Oh, you shouldn’t have.” After fifty years they still raise the question of how to respond to their generosity. Sometimes it feels like a silly question with a very simple answer: eat them.
But I know that someone else has wondered these same things. In our Creation stories the origin of strawberries is important. Skywoman’s beautiful daughter, whom she carried in her womb from Skyworld, grew on the good green earth, loving and loved by all the other beings. But tragedy befell her when she died giving birth to her twins, Flint and Sapling. Heartbroken, Skywoman buried her beloved daughter in the earth. Her final gifts, our most revered plants, grew from her body. The strawberry arose from her heart.
In Potawatomi, the strawberry is ode min, the heart berry. We recognize them as the leaders of the berries, the first to bear fruit.
Strawberries first shaped my view of a world full of gifts simply scattered at your feet. A gift comes to you through no action of your own, free, having moved toward you without your beckoning. It is not a reward; you cannot earn it, or call it to you, or even deserve it. And yet it appears. Your only role is to be open-eyed and present. Gifts exist in a realm of humility and mystery—as with random acts of kindness, we do not know their source.
...Gifts from the earth or from each other establish a particular relationship, an obligation of sorts to give, to receive, and to reciprocate. The field gave to us, we gave to my dad, and we tried to give back to the strawberries. When the berry season was done, the plants would send out slender red runners to make new plants.
Because I was fascinated by the way they would travel over the ground looking for good places to take root, I would weed out little patches of bare ground where the runners touched down. Sure enough, tiny little roots would emerge from the runner and by the end of the season there were even more plants, ready to bloom under the next Strawberry Moon. No person taught us this—the strawberries showed us. Because they had given us a gift, an ongoing relationship opened between us.
...It’s funny how the nature of an object—let’s say a strawberry or a pair of socks—is so changed by the way it has come into your hands, as a gift or as a commodity. The pair of wool socks that I buy at the store, red and gray striped, are warm and cozy. I might feel grateful for the sheep that made the wool and the worker who ran the knitting machine. I hope so. But I have no inherentobligation to those socks as a commodity, as private property. There is no bond beyond the politely exchanged “thank yous” with the clerk. I have paid for them and our reciprocity ended the minute I handed her the money. The exchange ends once parity has been established, an equal exchange. They become my property. I don’t write a thank-you note to JCPenney.
But what if those very same socks, red and gray striped, were knitted by my grandmother and given to me as a gift? That changes everything. A gift creates ongoing relationship. I will write a thank-you note. I will take good care of them and if I am a very gracious grandchild I’ll wear them when she visits even if I don’t like them. When it’s her birthday, I will surely make her a gift in return. As the scholar and writer Lewis Hyde notes, “It is the cardinal
difference between gift and commodity exchange that a gift
establishes a feeling-bond between two people.”
That is the fundamental nature of gifts: they move, and their value increases with their passage. The fields made a gift of berries to us and we made a gift of them to our father. The more something is shared, the greater its value becomes. This is hard to grasp for societies steeped in notions of private property, where others are, by definition, excluded from sharing. Practices such as posting land against trespass, for example, are expected and accepted in a property economy but are unacceptable in an economy where land is seen as a gift to all.
Lewis Hyde wonderfully illustrates this dissonance in his exploration of the “Indian giver.” This expression, used negatively today as a pejorative for someone who gives something and then wants to have it back, actually derives from a fascinating cross- cultural misinterpretation between an indigenous culture operating in a gift economy and a colonial culture predicated on the concept of private property. When gifts were given to the settlers by the Native inhabitants, the recipients understood that they were valuable and were intended to be retained. Giving them away would have been an affront. But the indigenous people understood the value of the gift to be based in reciprocity and would be affronted if the gifts did not circulate back to them.
Many of our ancient teachings counsel that whatever we have been given is supposed to be given away again. From the viewpoint of a private property economy, the “gift” is deemed to be “free” because we obtain it free of charge, at no cost. But in the gift economy, gifts are not free. The essence of the gift is that it creates a set of relationships. The currency of a gift economy is, at its root, reciprocity. In Western thinking, private land is understood to be a “bundle of rights,” whereas in a gift economy property has a “bundle of responsibilities” attached.
...
In material fact, Strawberries belong only to themselves. The exchange relationships we choose determine whether we share them as a common gift or sell them as a private commodity. A great deal rests on that choice.
For the greater part of human history, and in places in the world today, common resources were the rule. But some invented a different story, a social construct in which everything is a commodity to be bought and sold. The market economy story has spread like wildfire, with uneven results for human well-being and devastation for the natural world. But it is just a story we have told ourselves and we are free to tell another, to reclaim the old one.
One of these stories sustains the living systems on which we depend. One of these stories opens the way to living in gratitude and amazement at the richness and generosity of the world. One of these stories asks us to bestow our own gifts in kind, to celebrate our kinship with the world. We can choose. If all the world is a commodity, how poor we grow. When all the world is a gift in motion, how wealthy we become.
#gratitude#prayer tag#prayers of thanksgiving#prayers of lament#thanksgiving#lament#pandemic mention#braiding sweetgrass
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tldr: i apologise, i'd like you to understand why i went 👀 over something many view as progressive / inconsequential, i understand why you do it and i wanted to know that you didn't subtly hate (i only saw one of your works).
hi i'm that "don't racebend characters" anon from before. i'd like to apologise for speaking rudely and making you and your fans feel that way because it was insensitive of me, especially towards your community.
if it helps at all, i'm an asian living in a country as the majority race at almost 80% of the total population. i've never been discriminated against / oppressed by ANYONE before so please excuse me. i only came across your blog just 24 hours ago while scrolling through my "stuff for you" thing. after seeing your reactions i ran around reddit, dominated by people from usa which has history rich with racial discrimination who have perspectives closer to yours (the only thing i know important to the country lol), reading opinions about making originally japanese characters another race / mixing their heritage. and now i think it's absolutely fine to do anything with art if it isn't made with conscious or subconscious offensive thoughts ("AAA is better than BBB so i'll make this BBB thing AAA / give this BBB thing AAA origins so it makes them less bad"). now, i just want to confirm that you're racebending without any discriminatory idea against any race.
as someone living where i am, i don't care personally about usa, but get what's going on in the east. lemme point out that 1. japan doesn't have huge communities that actively hate on minorities in their own country unlike usa 2. ~90% of people there are the exact same race so nobody cares because there's almost nothing to represent other than themselves + indigenous peoples? there are only two (2) extremely minor non-japanese characters in jjks. that's why your art made me 👀 it seemed pointless to make a character with canonically full majority lineage (gojou) part minority, but i'd understand if you created it for yourself since it makes you happy. i'm sorry for not understanding this in usa's context before (my own country's media had blackface backlash from the public (most majority went "that's just wrong" while the minorities had a more vigorous reaction) but the gov very powerful here. they got gagged within a week then gov mommy fixed everything)
it's so long because i wanted to give you culture shock like what the people four years ago on reddit did to me hehheh
because this is such a long ask i'm going to respond at length under the cut so i'm not inconveniencing anyone
hi! after reading this through like a handful of times to make sure i'd understood it correctly, i'm going to preface this by correcting some assumptions i think you may have made in error about me. i think you think that i'm black and american, of which i'm neither- i'm fully asian like you but unlike you i've been living in australia which (like the usa) is a majority white country my entire life. there is where our experiences differ. i have experienced racial discrimination, both on a personal and on a systemic level, and i have watched racial discrimination been inflicted of differing levels upon both complete strangers and the people i love alike. i've had to dismantle my own socially implanted racial biases against myself and other people- it's still an ongoing process and i suspect it will take a very long time. i am not perfect but i am at least trying to be self aware enough to address issues within myself that i can solve. i'm capable of antiblackness, i'm capable of xenophobia and i'm capable of internalised racism. however i can tell you pretty confidently i didn't make gojo black out of some bias against japan/japanese people. that would be incredibly backhanded of me considering my country of origin is basically a little south west of japan and i have a lot of respect for the country and the culture, from what i've learned through my school(s) and my japanese friends. so to answer you, no this was not done out of hate, subtly or otherwise.
what i've done with gojo is not out of a desire to (and i'm gonna quote from your ask so i know i'm addressing this correctly) "create(d) it for yourself since it makes (me) happy." i don't see myself in gojo, whether canon or my own headcanon. i made gojo black and japanese because thats my own personal interpretation of his character influenced to edits and art i've seen of him in the past that were done by black people who had seen themselves in him. i've absorbed their vision of that character and found myself agreeing with it because simply i think it's cool. i don't think gojo is better or worse for being (in canon) a nonblack character- that would be counterproductive to myself. i don't consider what i've done here blackface, i've just reworked a character to match the version of him that i have in my head, something i've actually done quite a few times before. if we were talking about my vietnamese albedo, yeah i did do that just purely to make me happy- i do see myself in him, and i disregarded his (probably?) white ethnicity with explicit intent to erase and replace that part of him with something i preferred more. this isn't what i've done with gojo- i've maintained his japanese ethnicity. the edit is at an angle and it's a bit hard to see his face in its entirely but i assure u i made that man blasian lmao. there's no intent of erasure, just addition that neither negates nor lessens the canonical content.
i appreciate your efforts to educate yourself through reddit, but i think you've missed the point a bit. people of minorities like myself and the black people who gave me the inspiration for blasian gojo edit the source material to see ourselves in it. we don't get a lot of representation otherwise- and when it is done it usually is created by people who are more concerned with enforcing outdated and prejudiced ideals about us than making well rounded and nuanced characters, a privilege that people who aren't minorities often take for granted. we don't get a selection of characters who look like us and are well developed enough to be more than caricature. we literally just don't. so what we do is alter source material in our favour, and for characters who are already poc (like a lot of anime characters) it rarely comes to the point where we remove their original ethnicity entirely. i did not strip gojo of being japanese - he still is. i'm racebending but at no one's expense.
#also your point about there being no major groups being discriminatory of minority groups seems a bit naive to me#racism is often invisible to the oppressor- i'd advise you to process the world a bit more critically#your feelings about this are still your own and valid but yeah educate urself first ya#ask#reply#anonymous
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