Uhhhhhhh

fanfic authors will see a flop movie and say "is anyone gonna write a heartwrenchingly beautiful story about this" and not wait for an answer

A rough sketch of Lan Wangji as he is in my magic AU story A Stay of Execution.

I'm like a 3rd of the way done writing the first full chapter of this story, but I do have the prologue up on my Ao3 already, as well as a several years old "scene dump" with various moments that I was kinda laying out for the story that may or may not make it into the actual fic. Let me know if anyone wants to see this cleaned up and colored? And I can give you the link to my Ao3 as well if you're interested.

I was too tired to stay on Philza's stream... But I am winning, ok?

Fitza staying as strong as ever.

I'll talk a bit about purgatory, since I didn't have time while it was happening.

During the purgatory, we all were thinking that Wallflower duo was dying, cuz they both hunt each other down, but in reality they only got stronger! They are one of the few duos who could kill each other and still stay besties for life. Closer to the end of the Purgatory, they met up and threw a dice together, laughing and joking. Even hugging!! They were in different teams, yet they still hugged and respected each other so much. The Eye B_tch tried to break Fitza up, but their not so platonic duo was stronger than that.

I think it's a stretch, but I felt very warm, when Phil woke up and called for Fit first. I dunno why, but they are very dear to me. Fit is Phil's closest friend and vice versa. So Phil waking up and seeking Fit is so sweet.

And now to yesterday's stream. I didn't watched it all, but I've had enough moments to speak of. Firstly, Fit greeting Philza right when the latter logged in, as they did wayy back, in the first few months of qsmp. Then Phil shows his crows his wings for the first time, which was already huge af. But then he trusted Fit enough to show them to him. And in reality, Phil just showed his greatest vulnerability and insecurity to this specific person, and if it's not the biggest gesture of trust I don't know what is. After Purgatory, they both were supposed to be colder to and be wary of each other, but no. They still confide in each other, being the most honest they can. Fit even apologized. And when Dadza called himself a dumbass, Fit quickly said he isn't one. I love them.

And then Phil and Fit spent a lot of time together, as they did before. Walking, talking, cleaning the server for their kids, joking about each other's d_c-. They're calm around each other, cuz they've known each other for years. I think it's a stretch once again, but I feel that Phil would show his wings to Fit first even if he had a choice.

And again, if we're going back more, when Phil saw the picture of the skull and called for Fit, the latter came almost immediately. After Crow started saying "stupid... Stupid bird brain" 2b2t veteran informed that he believed in existence of skull picture. War criminal sees that dadza starts to doubt in himself, so he reassures him and lets him join him and Pac in the dungeon. Putting friends before roommates (they are so gay, why is Fit in denial... No matter how jacked he is he can't beat Fitpac allegations).

They rotate in my head every second of the day. Their friendship is stronger than anything. If the world came crushing down, they're gonna be together. If one's in trouble the other is already planning the rescue mission. They know each other for a long time, they know how ruthless they can be, but they aren't afraid. They're here for each other. They put their trust in each other, giving each other access to private chambers (Fit's secret bedroom and kid's basement). They're prepared to break the rules, put oneself on the line for the other's sake. They even share illegal stuff with each other. Fit is bullets for Philza's gun. The best duo ever.

seeing ppl go "lol jonathan why are you admitting you found them hot what will mina think of you when she reads it!!!" has me go "*shakes you* you are going against the thesis of the book!!!"

I know some of why is dependent on knowledge of future events, and so people new to Dracula Daily won't be aware of it. But to be honest, Jonathan admitting his attraction to the vampire ladies is so, so important to me. On several different character levels, even outside of the entire book proving over and over again that sharing knowledge is absolutely vital (and is also an expression of deep love/trust/support).

Let's just stick the quote in here for reference:

There was something about them that made me uneasy, some longing and at the same time some deadly fear. I felt in my heart a wicked, burning desire that they would kiss me with those red lips. It is not good to note this down, lest some day it should meet Mina's eyes and cause her pain; but it is the truth.

Firstly - he needs to keep an accurate record. This is his only place to speak freely, his only opportunity to be precise about what he is going through. It is vitally important for him to keep his sanity intact that he be clear and try to remain logical in this diary. We see him fact-checking again and again. We can extrapolate from other statements that he doesn't always mention everything he suspects unless he feels it relevant or possible to prove. For example, repeatedly noting Dracula himself doing things before ever getting around to voicing the theory that the Count has no servants (he collected evidence first, didn't speak his suspicions until they were proven). Or putting the crucifix above his bed and taking the opportunity to sleep elsewhere, thus pointing to feeling unsafe and possibly experiencing bad dreams in his own room (he mentioned what he does about it, but not the feeling on its own or whatever nightmares he may be having). Jonathan works very hard to keep his diary focused on a few things above all: what the Count/ladies are, what everyone does, what Jonathan observes or learns, his actionable plans. He of course expresses his fears and emotions at times in his diary, more than he can out loud, but never going all the way down the rabbithole of fear, hopelessness, etc. He tries to calm himself by sticking to facts (all the harder when something strange is happening), which is in itself a soothing process for him so that's helpful too. His goal is to make this diary useful to himself and to others, if he ever gets the chance to share it. There is a goal here.

And what that means, is that the things Jonathan writes in great detail are things that feel relevant to him. The entire encounter with the vampire ladies was extremely important. It revealed a ton of new information to him, as well as being a truly horrifying and traumatic thing to go through. Jonathan's feelings are as relevant as his observations/actions here, because both are directly affected by the presence of the vampire women. Jonathan can't move. He feels dreamy. He feels attracted to them. He cannot resist and in the moment a large part of him didn't even want to. These are all effects they are causing, at least to some extent. I know mileage can vary a lot on how much of Jonathan's attraction is just coming from him, but honestly, I can't agree with any version that doesn't have a natural attraction at the very least being exacerbated by supernatural vampire abilities somehow. If not caused or called forth by them in the first place. The way he narrates, with so much obvious fear and revulsion mixed in with the desire, makes that clear to me. He sounds like he doesn't fully understand his own feelings at the time, at least where they all came from or why they were so strong. It goes along with all the other symptoms he is experiencing, and the other abilities they demonstrate. And so, to keep his record accurate - it has to go in. He cannot leave it out. It might become very relevant later.

Secondly - Jonathan is honest with Mina, specifically. I love this about their relationship. I don't think it's so much 'I noticed they were attractive' that he fears might hurt her, because Mina isn't particularly shy herself about noticing both women and men as good-looking, and even admiring their looks while on a date with Jonathan (poor Pretty Girl in Piccadilly). He also called local women pretty in his first entry as well (though he did say "except when you got near them" so it felt a bit backhanded to me), so again it's not the noticing that's an issue either way. It's more that he felt actual desire to act on an attraction, or rather for them to act. This is unusual, this is a separate matter from noticing people are hot, this is something that comes much closer to cheating or at least wanting to, and he feels very guilty about it. There's no real sense that he is worried Mina will be angry at him, and there's no sense that he will ever outside of that one moment ever want to act on any attraction he feels for someone other than Mina (or someone Mina also approves of, varying depending on your polycula headcanons). I personally do kind of tend to view Jonathan as some form of demisexual so how much he even tends to feel attraction to other people is often a little wibbly to me, but that's kind of irrelevant for the point of this. We can also set aside the shared language of "kiss" between Jonathan and the vampire ladies, and how this may point to a desire to become available for being drunk from, rather than necessarily sexual desire specifically, even if that's the type of language used. With regards to Mina: he's not worried about being caught, because he is choosing not to hide. He feels bad talking about the attraction because it might hurt her feelings, but he'll admit to it regardless because it's more important to him to be honest with her. Jonathan hates hiding things from Mina. This actually becomes plot-relevant later on. Even when she herself expressly forbids him from telling her stuff, he feels anguished about it and is certain to ensure that records are kept which she can read later. He trusts her completely. Embarrassment, shame, bad behavior, or whatever else - he will still share that with her. The only times he doesn't confide in Mina are when he's trying to repress everything because he thinks he was crazy (and possibly may even have some PTSD-related memory loss as well), or when he and the other men are trying to make sure she isn't exposed to danger (which is wrong in several ways but this post isn't about that so I won't get into it), and of course when she tells him not to. Every single time he feels upset about it. So yeah, he's going to regret that she may feel hurt, but deliberately hiding things from her would be worse.

Thirdly - Jonathan admitting his attraction here is a huge comfort to Mina later on. I truly believe this. I've talked about it before actually, but let me try to rephrase a bit to keep it on the same post. By being open about his own attraction and experience with nearly being drunk from, he provides precedent for Mina's October 3rd trauma. It makes it easier (though obviously still not easy) for her to admit to the same kind of desire:

"I was bewildered, and, strangely enough, I did not want to hinder him. I suppose it is a part of the horrible curse that such is, when his touch is on his victim."

Mina never blamed Jonathan for expressing such thoughts. She wasn't concerned about the issue being another woman when she came to him in the hospital, and when she read his diary she never mentioned any hesitations or misgivings about this scene at all. But even if she had secretly felt upset before (I personally don't see her thinking that way at all, but for the sake of argument), I think that experiencing something similar would make her grateful for Jonathan's candor. In a moment when she's already feeling deeply unclean and complicit, Jonathan's earlier honesty here relieves her from a little bit of the guilt she is feeling. It lets her recognize her own lack of desire to stop Dracula as something he did to her, just like Jonathan experienced with the vampire ladies when he couldn't/didn't want to move away. It's possible even that Mina felt more explicit desire for Dracula's 'red lips to kiss her' but didn't feel comfortable saying quite that much - even if so, again Jonathan's account would be a comfort.

And having that account written down long ago means she has already internalized this. If Jonathan had kept it hidden only to try and ease her mind later, well... first off, Mina too might have kept her reaction hidden out of guilt. And even if she didn't or he told her then, a confession at that time wouldn't mean nearly as much or carry the same kind of weight, I don't think. It would feel like he's making excuses for her, like he didn't trust her enough to tell her earlier, just... bad stuff mixed in, which are all avoided by having Jonathan be truthful from the start.

@yokelish reminded me and I can't stop thinking about it again

The Snow Queen's most loyal knight, a boy with a shard of troll's mirror in his eye.

Except that there's no Gerda. There never was a Gerda and there never will be a Gerda. No one will come. And also the troll's mirror might be showing the truth this time.

Or maybe all the Harbingers are like that.

"Perhaps it is fair to say that only those who possess an obsession close to or even exceeding the level of delusion might be willing to join this group."

(from the Funerary Mask description. I do think the mirror stands for something Khaenri'ahn though)

It's amazing how two words can break me and build me whole in SECONDS.

All crucible knights are subs and like to be called good boy/girls. There. I said it.

Honestly though I think it’s really a bad sign when I look at Shin Tsukimi and literally feel like he’s a self insert 😩

oh the consumption of wuvvy’s love. how it eats her up inside and rue too. wuvvy wants everything to be just so, to be perfectly right for rue, not just in the physical world but internally. wuvvy would rearrange the furniture of rue’s mind if she could, tidy and clean their worries and concerns, dust away their fears. her devotion is huge and isn’t that terrifying, in a way, to stare into that maw. i just love how big her feelings are, and despite how much rue loves her in return they need more than pure devotion - needs a willingness to come to the plate and be vulnerable too, share her mess with them instead of always managing theirs. but in a way her love for them eclipses her ability to give them that because doing so would be acknowledging herself as equal partner, something she can’t bring herself to do. pride for her love, her capacity to love bigger and more giving than anyone, to bleed herself empty without asking - but rue doesn’t want that. they want someone to build something with, not to have everything built for them. gorgeous, truly gorgeous how oscar conceptualized both of these characters twisted up like vines with one another and then he and aabria knocked it out of the park performing the dynamic which is so understated and incredibly complex. when i say aabria & oscar ruewuvvy deep dive when i’m not kidding!!! i’m still in their clutches!!

auuhghg its sooo important to keep old art

Guys. I'm in a liberal area, and I have a confession. Pride flags are a terrible design feature. Seeing one on every storefront is an affront to the eye.

there is so much potential for southern boy!daichi actually i simply need to get my pussy up

Hey Everyone ! \^v^/ Don't forget: C★mmissi★ns are always  OPEN ♥ Share this if you can't buy me a c★mmish ^u^°  And If you can too of course !  You can't imagine how much it helps  °3^ ~♥

(Links in the the thread for all details if you're too lazy to rewrite. I’ll not judge you because I am also lazy sometimes X”D)  

There's something so specifically infuriating when someone uses one of your experiences or your demographic in an argument, especially if said argument is about spreading hatred or is just so wrong. They "speak on behalf of the ___" to say such fucked shit.

"You're not thinking of the ___!"

"I literally am ___. You saying that adds nothing as you do not speak for me or for other ___. Shut up."

.