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spncvr · 2 months

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waiting room | s. reid

summary: spencer can't seem to escape the girl in the waiting room

pairing: spencer reid x fem!reader

warnings: mentions of reid's addiction & tobias hankel, mentions of kidnapping and mass shootings (in, like, a joking way??) my terrible, terrible humour, ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE LMAO, this is deffo terrible, pls tell me if i missed anything!!

a/n: ok idk if i wanna continue this and make it a series so lmk lol (also im on writers block so i literally can't come up with SHIT)

SPENCER REID WAS a pessimist.

At least, that’s what he’d call himself. His colleague, Derek Morgan would most likely (and by most likely, he means, definitely already has) call him an overanalysing introvert. But in Spencer’s defense, there has never really been a good reason to go out and “live your life”. Consider this:

Go to the new coffee shop? Mass shooting.

Go to the mall? A child gets abducted.

Leave the apartment for a short while? A stalker finds out where he lives, kidnaps him in his sleep, and, in a nightmarish turn, auctions off his organs to the bidder in the black market.

Besides, his life isn’t some John Green book. There were no life-affirming adventures or poetic moments of self-discovery awaiting him. Carpe diem? A fanciful notion for others, but for him, not so much. Sorry, Mr. Keating.

Yet life—or more accurately, bureau protocol— had its own plans. Ever since the Tobias Hankel incident, a visit to the psychologist wasn’t just a request but rather (unfortunately for him) an order. Which meant, he’d have to risk his entire life to get up and walk for ten whole minutes just to sit and wait, in this glaringly bright waiting room, when he could have stayed at home and read the new books he’d gotten from his team as a get-well gift.

Speaking of which, why the gifts? He was fine. Physically, at least. But really, when have you ever seen get-well-soon cards in an asylum? Well, alright, maybe he was being a little bit dramatic. A visit to the psychologist doesn’t mean he’ll be institutionalised—but then again, Spencer Reid was never one to wear rose-tinted glasses.

This is his third time in the waiting room, and she’s always there. He isn’t sure as to why she is, because, well, unlike himself, she was very clearly an optimist—and at least, from the looks of it, she hasn’t been kidnapped and drugged in the past month. But she's sitting there again, in the exact same chair for the past three weeks, along with a beacon of smiles where joy usually fears to trend. Maybe, he isn't as good of a profiler as he’d like to think he is.

“Dr. Reid?” the call of his name rips him out of his thoughts. He looks up to see the same kind woman he’s seen the past three weeks—not the one in the waiting room, no, he means his therapist.

Dr. Brown was easy to profile: She wore heels to make herself look taller, and she hated wearing glasses, apparent by how she would continuously place them atop her head instead of her nose. Her teeth were abnormally perfect, which meant, she’d had to wear braces when she was younger—which (from his humbling experience) means she wasn’t exactly the most popular at school. Perhaps, psychology felt appealing to her because she could help people like her.

“How are you?” she asks, her pen clicking.

Usually, he’d offer her a meek shrug. The kind that could win awards for its commitment to non-commitment. Besides, he’s not one to talk about how he feels—there isn’t much to say, anyway. And let’s face it, “How are you?” in the grand tapestry of human interaction is almost as genuine as a three-dollar bill. And, get this, the average person asks “How are you?” 6,739 times a year but only listens to the answer about half the time—well, okay, maybe those numbers might have been fabricated, but isn’t the sincerity behind the question also made up? But instead of telling her all this, he remembers what Hotch had told him, one, two, three weeks ago: that he ought to cooperate with Dr. Brown or the board won’t be happy. So, he kisses his teeth before he says:

“Fine. I’m fine.”

And the session went on.

PLS TELL ME IF I SHLD CONTIUE OR NOT LOLOLOL spam my inbox with ideas I BEG.

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blessedshortcake · 7 months

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My opinion on the finale episodes below the cut. Obviously spoiler warning lol

First of all. I see people say it was really underwhelming and i kinda have to agree? It wasnt a Bad ending or a lazy one or whatever words have been thrown around tho imo. I feel like with all the hype about how "painful" and emotional itll be from the VA and from everyone, we all just expected more tragic outcomes or something.

I am dissappointed because of that as well. I liked how Simon finally reflected a bit and had some self awareness about their situation with Betty. I loved that he didnt become Ice King again or that they didnt do some actual time travel to "fix" stuff. I also liked that they didnt necessarily made him a bad husband (?/boyfriend?) he kinda just never realised that Betty has been putting more into their duo than he was.

That doesnt make him innocent tho b4 someone comes at me. He was a bit too self absorbed but i dont think he was entirely selfish either. He was a person who made mistakes and didnt realise them. The line where he said smt like "i wish we could have talked like this before" also makes it pretty clear to me that Betty never really spoke up about these things either. Golbetty had to make him aware and tbh? I think that was more Golb than Betty.

The whole Scarab ordeal felt a bit. Ehhhhhh I dont know. His anger reaction to things suddenly becoming "canon" (lmao) was very nice to see but him being allowed to wreck havoc like that for a good while felt more like an excuse to bring the others into this world. I dont have a problem with it btw i just dont see the point why we need Farmwold Jay and Little... I forgot her name damn. Also whys Babyworld Finn here 😭 (i get it, he was in the tank, i dont mean literally i mean Why)

As much as i was soooo mad when LSP freed the scarabs it was very in character. I like how it was a thing that he likes animals from the start so it wasnt senseless stupidity, it was something he would do even tho it was the wrong thing to do. Made me pause and lay down to stare at the ceiling in frustration for a solid minute i cant lie, still in chacter tho.

But alas. I like how in the end it all didnt turn magical (completely since ig its partially magical with Cake and everything else) and how Cake finally cooled down about the crown. IM ALSO SO HAPPY THEY KEEP IN TOUCH WITH SIMON OVER THE PHONEEE!! But yea him wanting to move was so real and I hope he does lmao he deserves it.

I only kinda wish they made him reconnect with Marcy a bit more. I am actually pretty dissappointed that we dont know if he ended up reaching out to her more or not. I understand his situation with not wanting to spook her, i actually feel that bit in a soul connecting level good god, but idk. Im at least happy he is Literally in therapy now

(Kinda makes me wonder tho if he spent the time between the end of AT and the start of FC with no like therapist or psychologist. Just rawdogging his mental illness about everything. Mood tbh but like did he? Did he??)

Anyway despite my slight dissappointment i am actually pretty happy with the outcome. I really liked the theories and the ideas of how Simon may make FC magical or what he will become but tbh this is probably the best outcome. Everyone got a happy/hopeful ending (minus Farmwold Finn ig who im atp assuming is dead. Also Star Marceline and PB) which i am really REALLY happy about.

I gotta say I already wanna write fanfic about these guys so inspirational effect granted. Woooo.

Tldr

I was kinda dissappointed because it was overhyped about how emotional it will be when it really wasnt but other than that I am really happy about how the ending turned out save for the alternatives staying in FC

Edit: I SEE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE SHOW DONT TELL THING AND TBHHH??? TTTTBBBHHHH??? YEAH. IT WAS ALL JUST TALKED ABOUT LIKE WHAT ABOUT SYMBOLISM? MY GOD.

Also Simon had like 10 minutes to get closure with Betty which was horrifically rushed but again, when your wife turns into Basically God you kinda dont really have a choice to chit chat. Still not happy about it but again, could have been worse. Could have been much worse.

#fionna and cake spoilers #fionna and cake #fiona and cake #fiona and cake spoilers #long post

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queenbrightwhitly · 3 years

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Trust You (Pt 4)

A/n: It was getting long so I’m finishing the rest of the episode in another chapter.

You hadn’t spoken to Malcolm the rest of the day. Along with the day after that, but this wasn’t completely your doing. There was a case that needed Malcolm more then anything. An evaluation done by a man who himself was lying, and Malcolm had to trick him.

Both Dani and JT had done their interviews with the suspect, and you had just finished.

Although both Dani and JT felt confident in their performances there was still the chance of a slip up happening.

“Hey.”

You looked up to see Gil staring at you from across his desk. He had been going though the case files almost all morning, he knew that this was a fragile case and that everyone being on their A-game was going to be important today, especially Malcolm.

“Sorry, I guess, I was just-”

“Thinking about Malcolm?” Gil asked, he looked at you already knowing.

You smiled. “That obvious?”

Gil nodded, putting down the case file he leaned back in his chair. “You know he’s going to be alright. Malcolm knows what he’s doing.”

“Thats what worries me.” You muttered.

Just then Malcolm swung open the door to Gils office. He looked straight at you, then back to Gil, then back to you. He obviously was confused as to why you were there. He had his tie in his hand and looked at you, he opened his mouth to say something but instantly closed it as if he second guessed himself. He then turned to Gil. “Can you help me with this?” Malcolm asked.

You rolled your eyes. Something that didn’t go unnoticed by Gil. “Nope,” Gil stood up from his desk. “But she can.” Gil nodded in your direction, giving Malcolm a pat on the shoulder he took one last look at you and then walked out. You knew what Gil was doing, but you couldn’t decide if you liked it yet.

Malcolm had his head down, an annoyed smile gracing his face. He looked back at you. “Um, if you wouldn’t mind, could you- I mean you don’t-”

Getting up from the chair you stood in front of Malcolm, taking a hold of his tie you started to adjust it properly.

“Are you ready?” You broke the silence.

“Am I ready? I slept a full three and a half hours.” Malcolm smirked, when you didn’t respond he continued. “Okay, three, but it was quality. There was definitely some REM mixed in there.” His tone was playful, and you knew he was trying to lighten the mood, however this wasn’t calming your nerves.

“You’re used to being the smartest person in the room. Not today.” Your hand was slightly shaky from nerves. “Dr. Coppenrath is a police psychologist. Internal Affairs trusts him to make sense of minds like yours.”

You finished Malcolms tie. Just as you were about to pull your hands away he quickly took a hold of them. “Hey. Don’t worry, I got this.” Malcolm looked down at you smiling.

“Did you think the same thing with this?” You looked down at Malcolm referring to his hand.

Malcolm sighed, “Y/n, darling-”

“Don’t.” You took a step back. “I’m still trying to make sense of our discussion and the stunt you pulled the other day. Malcolm all I ask is to not underestimate him. The rest of us have already given our statements, so I guess its up to you now.”

Malcolm didn’t say anything else, he knew this wasn’t the time to discuss your conversation, or the risky stunt he pulled. He smiled sweetly and turned to walk away, you couldn’t help your hand but you reached out for his gripping it tightly.

Malcolm turned back surprised, but before he could say anything, you let go, walking past him out of Gils office.

(cut to Y/n interview)

“Agent, L/n, welcome. Please, take a seat.” Dr. Coppenrath motion to the chair across from him.

Taking a seat you watched as he wrote a few things down. Looking up at you he smiled. “So, I can only assume you know what this is about.”

You nodded. “It’s to discuss if Malcolm Bright is suitable to work with the department. Im aware.”

“Good, so, shall we start?” Nodding you leaned back in you chair, this was going to be a long day.

(Back to the storyline.)

“How lucky Malcolm is to be surrounded by this army of nurturing women.” Jessica, smiled sweetly at Dani. “Detective, would you please give my son and I a moment?” Dani nodded, giving Malcolm a quick glance before walking to the other side of the apartment.

“Mom, did you... make a new friend?” Malcolm looked back to the stranger in his room.

“LIsa is my little homecoming gift. She can run your baths, administer your meds and prepare your meals until you have sufficiently recovered.”

“Mom, I don’t need anyone-”

“You know Malcolm, I would almost believe you if I didn’t hear about a certain disagreement you had with my future daughter in law. Honestly, Malcolm what were you thinking?” Jessica took a hold of Malcolms cheek. “You look tired, don’t worry, she will take great care of you while you and Y/n take a break.”

“We are not on a break.” Malcolm cut in. “She just needs... space.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Oh please Malcolm, when a man thinks a women needs space it typically isn’t the case at all and is an excuse to keep you from actually confronting her and talking this out.” Jessica perked up. “Now, lets discuss Llsa.”

(cut to Y/n interview)

“So, Malcolm was put under watch? By his own mother?” Dr. Coppenrath set his coffee down. Question after question he doubled down mostly on Malcolm himself, but something still felt strange.

“Jessica loves her son, she just wants whats best for him, just like any mother would.” You watched him scribble in his book, this just felt like therapy at this point.

“What about you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you want whats best for Malcolm?” He asked.

You scoffed. “Of course I do, Malcolm hes... my friend. I want whats best for all my friends. Malcom included.”

He nodded, not saying anything else, just scribbling down.

This was going to be an even longer day...

(cut to storyline)

“The gang’s all back together.” Malcolm voiced from behind you and JT.

Gil turned around annoyed. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“You just can’t find good help, can you?” Dani cut in.

I looked at JT who was just looking amused. “Told you.” he whispered to me. I just rolled my eyes. “Should you be back at work?” JT asked.

“Bright! You’re back! Seven abdominal stitches and a fracture to your first metacarpal, and you still look great.” Edrisa sighed out happily.

You quietly chuckled so Gil wouldn’t hear. You always loved Edrisa crush and admiration of Malcolm, you would tease him for it all the time. You also couldn’t deny that you might encourage the behavior. Gil however, didn’t look amused.

Edrisa smile dropped slighty “I might have pulled his medical records. I was worried. But you’re here now.” She smiled again.

“I am... here. So...let’s go take a peek at this body?” Malcolm sorta asked Gil. He raised his hand in the direction, looking more annoyed by the minute.

Malcolm did a side glance your way as he walked ahead, which didn’t go unnoticed by JT who looked at you in question. Shrugging your shoulders you pretended to not know what he was talking about and walked along. The case was discussed and jokes were made by JT and Malcolms Gucci loafers. Once Malcolm made his brief profile you were going to follow everyone else back to the cars, however you noticed Malcolm wondering off past the crime scene.

Curious, you started to follow behind him. “Malcolm?” He didn’t answer, just kept on forward. “Malcolm, are you okay? Whats wrong?” He still didn’t pick up on your voice.

You stopped next to him, trying to figure out what he was looking at. When you didn’t notice anything you looked back to him, his eyes were wide and staring off to space. You knew that look. It happen often, especially when Malcolm just came from seeing his father.

“Hey.” You took hold of Malcolms shoulder gently.

He jumped, but only slightly. Looking at you like he just realized you were standing there. “Sorry, I got distracted. We should head back.” Before you could say anything Malcolm had already started to make his way to the cars.

(cut to Y/n interview)

“Were you aware that Malcolm had started his own investigation?”

You scoffed. “No, I wasn’t. I was told he went home to rest.”

“And you believed that?” Dr. Coppenrath asked.

“No, of course not. I mean he can’t go home, he can’t follow orders, he barley gets enough sleep.” You leaned back in your chair, trying to seem as nonchalant as you could. “I had a feeling he was doing something under Gils nose.”

“Does this happen a lot? Him doing his own investigations without telling anyone.”

“More often then not.”

“I see.” He moved his hand to his coffee mug taking a sip. “Have you ever helped Malcolm?”

“I mean...Malcolms asked for my help on a few personal matters before but-”

“So you have helped him, without a second thought?”

You rubbed your hands together, the sweat was building up and the nerves kicked in. It didn’t seem like he was questioning Malcolm now. “I mean, Malcolm is my friend-”

“Yes, your friend. Tell me, have you ever thought of Malcolm as more then that?”

You looked confused now. “What does this have to do with Malcolms mental state of working here?”

“I’m just putting some pieces together, maybe Malcolm wouldn’t have such an urge to want to stay here so bad if he didn’t have a reason, perhaps that reason is a who?” He said it as a question, but it didn’t feel like he needed an answer.

“I don’t think- I’m not the reason Malcolm likes working on cases.” You crossed your arms. The Doctor started writing again, he didn’t say anything after that.

(cut to storyline)

You got back to the station, hearing from Dani over the phone that Malcolm had decided to enroll himself in the clinic. Not only that but he took a session of theirs, along with almost getting killed while someone named Andi got kiddnapped.

Walking inside you spotted Dani sitting at her desk, walking up to her you leaned against it and looked around the office. Noticing that Malcolm and Gil were in behind closed doors in his office.

“How long have they been in there?”

Dani looked up and over to where you were staring. “A few minutes.”

“Gil looks upset.” You stated.

It wasn’t until Quentin Vosler walked in that you took your eyes off them. Dani noticed him too, so you both walked up to him, JT right on your heels. All of a sudden Malcolm came busting out of Gils office, instantly going towards Vosler. JT was quick to react to hold him back, but he was very insistent.

“Tell me what you did with Andi!” Malcolm yelled, struggling against JT grip.

“Mr. Bright.” Vosler looked surprised.

“Where is Andi!?!” Malcolm continued.

“I don’t know. Thats why I’m here. She was taken, by them.”

#malcolm bright #malcolm prodigal son #malcolm whitly #malcolm bright x reader #malcolm whitly x reader #prodigal son #prodigal son imagine #prodigal son show #prodigal son fic #tom payne #tom payne x reader #x reader #fanfic

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beigejournals · 4 years

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Season 5 Lucifer

welcome to my unsolicited thoughts about Season 5 of Lucifer.

as an avid and veteran series binger AND a talker-while-watching-a-movie-or-series-but-does-not-want-to-spoil-anything-for-my-friends type of person, i have finally dedicated a space and found a good way to let all my thoughts out as i watch a movie or series when i am alone when i can’t bother a lot of people because (1) they don’t want to be bothered and (2) i don’t want to spoil things for them.

so here are my thoughts, and of course, SPOILERS AHEAD.

BTW, i LOVED all of Lucifer! but this season was a slow burn for me.

ep1

drug scene at Lux; is Amenadiel mean now?

so is Lucifer himself in his own hell loop when he became the ruler of hell? his own guilt towards his father? idk (to be frank, i don’t remember the past episodes except for the fact that he is now back in hell)

the premise of the first episode is cute!

side note after the title card: i remember how much i loved the soundtrack for Lucifer!

Maze is still hot.

I love how Maze and Chloe’s relationship developed and how they don’t have to use words to communicate.

Amenadiel’s and the Psychologist’s house HAHAHAHA i love it.

is Charlie Jesus? His mom’s faith in front of Ella is like every mom plus every religious person ever haha

YES. ELLA. YOU. DESERVE. A. GOOD. GUY.

self-improvement is now a meme, huh?

Dan is me.

comment on drug scene: Amenadiel is still the same, haha!

Maze and the card, haha!

how was the guy in the mask face (did i just say mask face?) blurred but in the party, Los Angeles was in perfect accuracy. excuse me.

coming out of the dead: “oh sorry, that’s so gross!” LORDT HAHA

love you, Charlie! hope you don’t feel like you have to perform because your mom expects a lot from you and that’s so ironic because she’s a psychologist!

Dan’s speeches about parenting: i get it tho, parents try to love their child, sometimes, they just don’t know how

also, i think it’s the sister but Chloe’s just a softie

lol Maze is jealous that Chloe got to talk to Lucifer and trying to say that they don’t need Lucifer.

OOF MAZE.

i forgot about what happened with Eve.

GUYS THE MURDERER IS LITERALLY GOING TO ESCAPE.

the amount of projection as defense mechanism in this episode is too much it feels like it’s too on the nose.

but i do love the parallel between what’s happening on Earth and in hell.

the amount of layers in this question either it’s Lucifer’s or his or his sister’s (assuming it is his sister who was behind his murder)

ok apparently it’s not his sister.

me in law school:

sana all kaya kang mahalin na babalik from hell. kilig aq.

also, after all these years, Lucifer’s house has been so clean!!! wala man lang alikabok

if she’ll be fine without him then who tf is that?

ok i read the synopsis for the next couple of episodes. i don’t like spoilers. don’t make the same mistake.

ep2

i’m Ella when it comes to my friends’ special people HAHA

also, i love the slight lean to one side to show us that this is not the real Lucifer.

why does he have to be naked???

it’s so funny for me how they have to reestablish him. LUCIFER NEVER LIES HAHAHAHAHA yes we can remember now after you repeated it 3x.

ALSO WHY IS EVERYTHING TO ON THE NOSE. EVERY SECOND IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING. was it always like this?

Oh Michael. Nice. Was he an archer? We love the American accent.

how can Amenadiel not know that was Michael? GANON KA IDENTICAL SIZ?

we love the unnecessary car chase just to reinstate the fact that this is a crime show

that slomo with the wings!!!

also everything is so slow with this show!!! idk why but everything feels just a little bit slower (or maybe i just want lucifer and chloe to be together? idk)

gwapo ni lucifer nung nagmomol sila ni Maze pls

cringe ng elevator scene

ykw. i think it’s because i like the lucifer character that’s why i’m impatient. he hasn’t been appearing the way i want him to.

see. you don’t have to remind me so much about the show because i know he was supposed to say “what is it that you truly desire” not fear. I FEEL LIKE THIS SEASON IS DUMBING THE PEOPLE WHO LOVED THE SHOW FOR SO LONG. okay sige.

either she knows it’s not him or SHE’S REALLY THAT NICE AND POWERFUL OF A HUMAN BEING.

oh i’ve been questioning whether they had sex already and this episode answered my question

CRINGE coffee scene: the spoon???

random question: are angels virgins? so is Michael a virgin?

what kind of a person would just go deep on someone else’s pocket just because they ran out of money?

knew it Maze won’t do Chloe dirty like that!

thanks Chloe. u know better than that. (full disclosure: I THOUGHT SHE WAS ACTING BADLY APPARENTLY A GOOD ACTOR CAN ACT BADLY TO PROVE A POINT?)

literally just liked it and now there’s a new secret that was said too soon.

God baka naman pwede mo ko gawing Chloe Decker char.

AH so interesting. Lucifer = Desire. Michael = Fear. Too on the nose again but that time, i needed the guidance because i am a dumbass.

God ain’t raising his children right!

ep3

yes explain everything to me it’s literally not like we have been binging this show for 2 hours straight

see, the Lucifer character is really endearing. i’m enjoying myself again hahaha. (well, i guess Lucifer when he’s with Chloe?)

can i just say that Tom Ellis was born for that role. he fits is so well that him acting as his own twin doesn’t sit well with me.

i just feel like this show was written by a psychologist who liked watching murder shows.

it’s Lucifer, Chloe!!! siya yon.

ep4

love Lucifer-Chloe tandem!

we love how the actors can sing and the show gives them a chance...

one thought: is everyone going to play a double of who they are?

also is Maze the daughter of Lucifer?

i love how they’re transcending mediums, reminds me of Community with their random episodes.

there you go, Chloe’s doing the double acting too.

Now it’s Linda. (so maybe this is the episode i was asking about earlier).

Now it’s Ella.

omg is this why i loved fleabag, it took forever for the Priest and Fleabag to finally do it? no. i just love the Priest.

Charlotte’s back! and the distance from the table shows how not okay they are. okay.

green screen while driving i love it.

now, Daniel!

we love gender fluidity? i guess. i’m not sure how you call it but i appreciate.

Lilith’s dress for the second song. OMG.

there again to make us dumb. after we just watched the whole thing happen, they retell the whole story again. damn. they think we dumb.

literally this season is making every girl kiss Chloe.

why did she blow the ring? was that her life?

what’s that song in the end?

OH that was the reason why she was retelling everything.

damn celestial beings are the worst parents.

ep5

i wanna be Dr. Linda Martin please.

i appreciate Lucifer wearing the bracelet until now. (but i expected nothing less)

i’ve always loved how people reacted to Amenadiel. he always seemed nerdy but these are times where he truly shine and im so happy.

i forgot. i think i was showering that time that Michael and Lucifer fought and theyre hella dumb. ok lets go toxic masculinity mixed with daddy issues.

i know they’re too on the nose ABOUT EVERYTHING but i do like the debate about free will and predestination

honestly i don’t know what’s Chloe’s issue is with being made by God probably just because i’m lazy and i just want to lay everything in His hands but coming from a very atheistic perspective where she comes from i kinda get it. i guess my only reasoning why i’m okay with God’s reason is with her is because of my fear of the unknown; my current fear with not knowing my true purpose. at least she got hers! what is she complaining about?

oh i get it now, but that’s why there’s free will Chloe (or idk, idk how God works; there’s currently no electricity in my house rn. i don’t get how that works even if we pay for our electricity all the time, how am I suppose to know God’s plans?)

but aren’t well created for something else? looking at a selfish perspective, maybe He created all of us just because He wanted to.

wow. literally when the nun kissed Amenadiel, the lights in our house opened up. if that ain’t God. idk who that is.

wow that’s so interesting.

“There are no shortcuts.” 🥺

he exposed himself i’m interested. what if i were the one to whom that was exposed to... how would i react?

another sample of them explaining to us WHAT WE ALREADY CAN INFER FROM THE SHOW (the conversation actually continues to dumb it down for the audience) but i get it. it’s religion and fiction built together.

oh i just cringed i almost vomited with this

also can i just share these. these are the funniest thing Chloe said on the show.

ep6

OOF what a horrifying way to start the episode (after the beach fiasco)

they’re holding us. that’s so adorable!!!

ugh. im still cringing.

yes jowa for ella yes pls. ELLA YOU SAID YOU WANT A NICE GUY!!! HE’S THERE!!! i’ll take him if you won’t!

Chloe if you don’t want Lucifer, i’ll take him too!

can i say how proud i am of Chloe and Dan’s relationship. it’s very healthy for what they are. add Lucifer and Dan to that too! we love men.

also the women in this show have bad taste in men. (except for who Linda married, i guess)

we love the seasonal girl’s night!

that whole charlie thing being amused by lucifer’s devil face is the best bit

was it Michael calling? and oh noooo ;(

FUCKEN MICHAEL

ngl i could have waited for another season for them to have sex on season 6 episode 6 but sure have it at season 5.

ep7

we love a person who wakes up and is not pretty. princess anna who? (i mean she is wearing full on make up, but we’re okay with that snore)

Deckerstar!! they made a word for it

our mojo??? does it only work on lucifer or does it work when she does it to others as well, we shall find out.

oh no! Lucifer’s isn’t working at all HAHAHAHA

it’s currently 2:19 AM. i am tired and sleepy.

Dan talking to Charlotte 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Fucking Michael

oh he emphasized archangel Michael. with my limited knowledge being raised Catholic, i was going to ask earlier if he was an archer because he had crooked shoulders. AND I JUST CHECKED. ARCHANGEL MEANS HIGH RANKING ANGEL NOT AN ANGEL WHO’S A FUCKING ARCHER. me being raised Cathlolic means nothing. HAHAHH

now i’m realizing if i see an angel, maybe i won’t be in the situation where i’ll see Amenadiel but Michael

NO NO NO AMENADIEL

i love this HAHAHAHAHA

knew it. called it! worked on lucifer ONLY. HOW CAN TWO PEOPLE BE THAT MADE FOR EACH OTHER. LORD BAKA NAMAN.

i’m ella shipping them.

THEYRE SPEAKING TAGALOG HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

what song was that? “When it hurts, just to breathe” same

The Shining reference no thank you pls

NAAAH i really can’t do horror things especially not with things i truly fear and when i don’t have a curtain on. No thanks.

14:54 and i’m watching again open the lights bro, it’s easier to find clues that way also i do get that they’re closing it to ensure that the killer is not there but theyre also moving like the killer is not there anyway so better open up the lights! tho i really know nothing about crime solving (i just typed crime solving instead of solving crimes didn’t i)

we stan ella’s healthy relationship!!!

can i just say there was a time where i can’t even say serial killer out loud so this is really hard for me to watch alone

i know that he’s vulnerable around the detective. BUT SHE SAID HE CHOSE TO BE SO BY NOW HE SHOULDN’T BE AFFECTED BY WHAT HE DID.

Fucken Michael.

ep8

how attractive can you be that even in slow motion, you look great.

oh apparently he did not die.

ALSO OO NGA CHLOE. US2 MO SIYA MAMATAY TEH.

CHLOE THE OVERTHINKER but i get it. BUT STILL.

you know that montage of people just studying and it’s now happening to chloe trying to solve a crime. that’s my cinematography goal HAHAHA. it’s been awhile since i’ve been invested in studying like that.

Lucifer can be just so immature some times

is KillShare based off of SkillShare?

also i’m thinking that Chloe was either taken by Michael or Dan or the SK.

that ring of Lucifer on Maze is probably the longest ring someone has waited for.

i love Maze’s eye make up! ALL THE TIME!

if the lady here is not detective and they’re relieved. that’s just fucked up, man. they were slightly relieved. that’s good acting HAHAHAHAHA.

I’M JUST PRAYING TO GOD THAT PETE REALLY IS A GOOD GUY AND NOT THE SERIAL KILLER COZ I CAN’T HATE THAT GUY PLEASE. the key and the research!!! WTF. stop trying to be smart, show!!!

his mojo is back, does that mean Chloe is gone? 😢

OH AFTER THE TAPES, I THINK IT IS THE BOYFRIEND. DAMN SHE’S REALLY INTO BAD MEN, ISN’T SHE?

I’M SO SCARED. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.

THE FLOWERS ARE FRIGGIN KILLING ME.

kamukha niya pa si Penn Badgley, nice.

DOES HE GENUINELY LIKE HER OR IS THE KISS TO THROW HER OFF GUARD.

AH NO. i think he genuinely likes her. except that she... you know found that he’s a fucking murderer

HAHAHA PETE

right??? why does this show have to say everything out loud like don’t already know.

oh he just used her but then he liked her. idk. the way he speaks too, so nonchalant.

preach, ELLA!!!! shout out to those who had crappy childhoods and are not serial killers! that’s the bare minimum i guess.

go, Ella!!! know your worth!

lol made me love Pete, he’s funny.

ok my assumptions were right-ish.

HAHAHA, his american accent.

his choosing to be bot vulnerable around her anymore, Michael, i think is a way of him staying alive for Chloe but ofc Chloe will think that Lucifer would rather have his vulnerability than to be with her.

baka di lang love language ni Lucifer words of affirmation, okay! HE SAVED HER LIFE SO MANY TIMES AND NOW SHE’S DOUBTING BECAUSE HE HASN’T SAID I LOVE YOU YET??? SIZ. HE LITERALLY LEFT HELL FOR YOU.

MICHAEL STOP. Michael the shit stirrer. we all have that one friend.

awa me kay Maze. she’s like a lost dog throughout the show.

does Michael want to be God?

skipped thru the speech. cringe.

what’s Amenadiel’s problem with his child having a normal cold? what’s wrong if he’s a mere mortal?

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS SHO’W SO INSECURE. i get so annoyed every time Chloe’s mad that Lucifer doesn’t get what he wants

it’s just that i resonate with Lucifer. it’s hard for me to say i love you and now i think Amenadiel stopped time.

oh. i thought Amenadiel’s fears about Charlie being mortal was superficial, i just realized that he was afraid that his child was going to die. but, he can take him to heaven like what he did with Charlotte, right?

oh Michael.

MAZE! MICHAEL IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!!!! you’re fine! i don’t have a soul either.

celestial beings and their daddy issues and inability to communicate with one another and the desire to fight it out as if that’s the solution

HOTTEST BROTHERS EVER DAMN.

itong si God ngayon lang magpapakita anuna siz.

WHY ISN’T HE PLAYED BY MORGAN FREEMAN BUT OK.

CLIFFHANGER!!! IM MAD.

ep 8 should have been called blueballz tbh

#beigedrafts #lucifer #spoilers

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all-my-novels · 4 years

Text

Carlotta’s Lament / Tool Scene

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure fanfiction: OC/fankids focused

Words: 1,481

Read on the Ao3 here

Carlotta Brando sees herself as a tool to be used, and assumes Kokoro Kujo sees her the same way. She couldn't be more wrong, though.

---

This is a scene from my fanchild fanpart for JoJo, called "Heartbreak Hotel Heartbreakers." As I'm notorious for never finishing things, I'm writing out scenes from my fanparts so you guys can read them in case they never get written. For more updates on these characters and more, you can find their works here:

My Writeblr -- Fankids Ask Blog -- Fankids Discord (open to anyone, I'm not the only one who posts content there)

Did you like this? THEN COMMENT. Seriously. Leave kudos too, and if you really liked it, bookmark! Creators won't create if there's nothing to create for!!! It's not hard to leave a comment saying "I liked this!" so please do if you liked it!

Carlotta’s Lament / Tool Scene

"Carlotta -- hey, Carla, slow the hell down!"

Kokoro's voice is uncharacteristically loud and somewhat emotional as she chases down her wayward cousin. The blonde stalked off after managing to defeat Hephaestus, a stormy expression on her face and sour parting words hanging in the air:

"I'll be making my own way from here on out."

Kokoro knows it's an illogical decision. The Artemis House is far from defeated, and if Carlotta goes off on her own, she'll most certainly be killed by them. It's what she's been trying to avoid...

So why is she moving faster while Kokoro tries to catch up?

Catching the other girl on the shoulder with her hand, Kokoro whirls her around to face her. Her expression is still stormy, but now there's an undeniable pain on her face as well and in her eyes.

"What's wrong with you?" Kokoro says quickly. "You know going off on your own puts us all in danger, right? Not just you? Making impulsive decisions will drag this whole team down --"

"It's always like this," Carlotta murmurs. Her voice may be quiet, but she absolutely sounds hurt. "I'm always -- always -- doin' shit for other people. Been that way since I was a kid." She bites her lip. Kokoro decides to keep her mouth shut for now, instead watching and listening while Carlotta continues. "Now, nobody asked me t' do that, t' be fair. I took up the mantle on my own, of my own free will. I'm always shoulderin' my own shit to deal with other people's. For their good, instead of mine. Y'know why I do that, Miss Psychologist?" Carlotta jabs a finger into Kokoro's chest, but the red-head doesn't respond.

"Not even gonna guess? Damn, yer borin' as always." Carlotta turns her head to the side and spits, then looks back at Kokoro, in the eyes. Kokoro's uncomfortable with the direct eye contact, but maintains it. "Well, fine. I'll take the fun outta it n' just tell ya: it's cause I think that, mebbe, if I keep helpin' people, even when they don't like me? Maybe they'll start t' like me."

A period of silence stretches between the two, and Carlotta snorts, removes her finger from Kokoro's chest and lets her hand fall back to her side. "I mean, I get it. I get this whole Artemis House deal, I get why people don't trust me or anybody else with th' name "Brando." My Pops did some bad shit back in th' day. I mean... how many folks d'you know who had their brother's body copied t' use as a backup in case somethin' happened to theirs?" She chuckles bitterly, but there's absolutely no happiness behind it. "Course, Uncle Jonathan forgave 'im for that, 'cause he's got a soft heart, y'know? Like me." She curls her hand into a fist over her chest, her fangs sinking deeper into her lower lip. Kokoro can tell that she's drawn blood, but she keeps speaking anyway.

"But the damage 's done. Nobody trusts me when I say I'm not a bad person. So I got to thinkin'... mebbe, if I just... stopped worryin' 'bout myself, how I felt, n' just let myself be a tool for others to use... mebbe I could fix us. Mebbe I could fix my family." Carlotta sniffs, her blue eyes shimmering with tears now as she rubs furiously at her face.

She may be eighteen, and legally an adult, but in reality, she's still just a child. A child with a burden far too heavy to bear on her own.

"Mebbe I could rewrite the Brando story, y'know? So that -- so that we ain't always just moochers on th' Joestar line." She sighs, looks down at her feet and kicks half-heartedly at a rock lying next to her foot. "But that was naive, n' stupid. We ain't never gonna be nothin' but a footnote in somebody else's story at best. At worst... we're the villains." She swallows, wipes away some of the blood trailing down her chin from where she split her lip earlier with her fangs.

"Pa n' Pops always wanted better fer us than what they got in life. 's why I never... told 'em about any o' this. Thinkin' about how Pops'd feel if I told 'im I was depressed after everythin' he's done for me? 's too much. 'sides, he don't need to worry 'bout me when we've got all the little ones, already." Carlotta wraps her arms around herself. She's long since looked away from Kokoro, instead turning her focus towards the ground as she shuffles her feet.

"Don'tcha get it, Kokoro? I'm -- I'm a fake. A fuckin' fake. Everythin' I've ever done is for somebody else, to make somebody else happy, so somebody else'll like me, or at the least, y'know, find some kinda use for me. My Pops used other folks as tools for his own gain..."

And here, Carlotta's hands curl into fists at her sides as her shoulders tremble with the weight of the world; she's become her own Atlas.

"... so I became everyone else's tool t' fix it. But even then -- even then, I couldn't win ya' over. An' not the Avdols either -- sure, J.P loves me, n' I'd die for him like I'd die for August or Teddy, or any of the others, but he's his own brand o' crazy. The others ain't gonna trust me. Even if I did die for 'im, I doubt they'd care enough to leave flowers at my grave. Yer different, though, Koku-chan. I think..." She furrows her brow and sniffs as tears roll down her cheeks. "... I think I wanted t' be friends with ya' so bad 'cause I wanted t' prove we -- the Brandos n' Joestars -- ain't gotta fight all the time. We can be friends, y'know?"

She starts to cry harder now, hiccupping sobs breaking through her words here and there. "But -- but I was -- I was wrong, again. Like a dumb lil' kid, I -- just don't learn my fuckin' lesson. It's my fault. I'm -- I'm not th' cousin ya' deserve, or th' friend ya' deserve either. I'm not good enough for nobody."

She ends her final word with a choked little whimper, curling in on herself before sitting down on the forest floor. Without thinking, Kokoro kneels down in front of her and puts her arms around her cousin, pulling her head in close to rest on her chest -- cheek pressed just above her heart -- just as her father Noriaki had done so many times when she would get overstimulated and panicked as a young child, so she could hear her heartbeat.

"You're wrong, Carla," Kokoro finally murmurs. Carlotta stops crying for a moment, curls her hands into the fabric of Kokoro's coat and goes still against her chest. "I don't hate you. I never have. I kept pushing you away because I figured you would be better off without me. I'm... not very good with showing emotions. I do a better job at analyzing other people's emotions and feelings, and talking them through it. Until you came looking for me, no one had ever tried to be my friend before, besides Axel." Kokoro sighs heavily, rests her cheek against the top of Carlotta's head as a few wet drops fall from her own eyes onto her hair. "I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry that I hurt you. But I don't -- I don't hate you. Not for anything you did, and not for anything your father did. That doesn't concern me -- or either of us -- anyway."

She squeezes Carlotta tight, presses a platonic kiss to her scalp. "Just promise me you'll do your best to live for yourself, and stay alive for yourself, and nobody else? You're not a tool to be used. You've got a path all of your own that's just as important as anyone else's. That's why I agreed to help you with Artemis House, anyway. I did it for you, and your family, not because I wanted anything out of any of you. I just believe living things have the right to live. Even if they are smelly vampires."

Carlotta snorts out a little laugh, pulls her head away from Kokoro's chest to look her in the eyes. She slides her glasses off, and Kokoro removes her shades for a moment, and they both rub at their eyes at the same time before putting their eyewear back on in tandem.

"We're gonna fight this battle together. As friends and equals. Got it?" Kokoro says, extending a hand to Carlotta for her to shake.

Carlotta gives a wry grin, takes Kokoro's hand in hers and shakes it. "Yeah. Got it. Thanks Koku-chan."

They return back to the others, hand-in-hand as cousins, not knowing just how important their bond is for the future of the Joestar family line and for each other.

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sadboyayeron · 4 years

Text

Tapping at my Chamber Door Chapter 3

The lady. Jennifer Hubert judging by the name on the desk plate. Told them to sit in the chair or bench infant of her desk while she went around then in sat down. Kevin sat in the chair directly in front of her. Neil and Andrew took to sitting on the bench on the right side of the wall. It wasn’t a particularly large space but it wasn’t to small to fill claustrophobic with four people inside.

“So Kevin Day, It is very nice to meet you my husband loves watching you guys play Exy,” She smiled at them and then opened a drawer in her desk pulling out two folders. “ Now these paper were just printed out today. One from Nikoshi’s Doctor and another from his psychologist.” Kevin straightened his back more at that.

“Psychologist?” She looked up at Kevin.

“Yes, a lot of children in foster care go to see a therapist. It helps cope with abandonment and makes sure the kids are transitioning well in their new homes.” She opened one of the folders. “Nikoshi saw a therapist who recommended him to a psychologist. He was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and given medication. He went through three different medications before he was put on Focalin XR. His biggest issues are impulsivity, managing feelings, and energy. There is more information in the folder with getting the prescription at a pharmacy and things to know about his behavior. He takes Focalin every morning before school, its not needed on the weekends but to long off it isn’t the best idea. Though if you want him off the medication, if you ever come to adopting him you can do that.” She looked towards the other two. “Will you two be helping take care of Nikoshi.”

“Yeah we are, is there anything else we need to know. If he needs a therapist we already got that covered. We can send her the information.” Neil replied with a bored tone but

“Thats good to know, he just saw the doctor last week. He gained some weight and is now at a more healthier weight then he was before.” She sighed. “You have to reminded him to eat, he forgets to and he doesn't ask for food. The foster home he was just at was good with keeping a schedule, he ate, took his meds, ate at school, had a snack at home, soccer practice and then dinner. He gets distracted and has little habits that cause him focus to much on random things. The meds take away his hunger also, so it important that he finishes.” She then closed both folders and stacked them together before sliding them to Kevin.

Kevin didn’t know how to process that. This information sounded to familiar. He always had to remind Riko to eat something. Riko would go days without eating, or sleeping, or even both. It got so bad the master had to tube feed him because he past out and didn’t get back up. Niko always got back up. He was taken out of his thoughts when the lady, Jennifer stood. He picked up the folders and got up following Andrew and Neil out the door. Nikoshi was still sitting in his chair, he was singing his legs slowly and seemed fixated on his hands.

“Nikoshi, these gentlemen here are going to be your new guardians,” Niko looked up at them. He got a better look at there faces, now that the glasses were off he could easily recognize who the taller man was with the chess piece on his cheek bone. He was confused o say the least. This had to be some sick joke, or a stupid stuPID dream. He looked at the other too, the screw that littered the red heads tan face and the man with blond hair and black studs.

“Deadass?” He blurted out suddenly. Fuck. He did not mean to blurt that out. Kevin day looked taken back by his statement and the other too snickered from slightly behind him. The lady looked horrified.

“Nikoshi thats not how you take to people.” She said.

“Oh, um... Sorry.” He tried to say hoping he didn't look like a complete dumbass. “But like aren't you famous or something.”

Kevin honestly had know idea what to say to that. He was not prepared for any of this to begin with.

“Come on kid we have to go to the air port, you got everything. “ Andrew glanced at the trash bag sitting next to him and felt a familiar weight on his chest. The kid looked at his stuff and back at Andrew and nodded his head. He grabbed it and stood up. Andrew could see the resemblances to his trash of a father on the kids face but he could also see Nikoshi as the kid that he was. He wanted nothing more then to protect this kid.

“Alright it was nice meeting you three and you behave Nikoshi.” She waved at them before returning to her office. Nikoshi tried to wave back but he kept his hand close to his side still. The red head, Neil Josten gave him a small smile and told him to follow then to there rental car. They went ahead of him but Kevin kept looking back. When they got in the car Neil was sitting in the back with him. Niko sat behind Kevin while Neil was behind Andrew. Andrew turned to look at Niko while Kevin pulled out of the parking lot.

“You hungry?” he asked. Niko realized he never got to eat breakfast, Kris usually made sure he did because she was told to make sure he stayed at healthy weight. He was about to say he hadn’t eaten yet but a quick glance at the clock in the front told him it was already 1:14pm. Instead he shrugged. He wasn’t hungry, but he also knew that the meds took away his hunger and he should probably eat something. “Is there anything you would want to eat.” Yes. Bacon egg and cheese sandwich. He didn't voice that though he just shrugged his shoulders again. Andrew Minyard sighed before looking at Kevin.

“Umm, why don’t we find something at the air port, we haven’t eaten since breakfast so we could eat.” Kevin told him. they made eye contact through the mirror but Kevin quickly averted his eyes.

“Okay.”

Niko decided he did not like Airports. They were overly crowded, had to many security guards, and once they got to the the area with food he did not like that the smells of different foods. Kevin got him a suitcase where just stuffed his trash bag where he stuffed his trash bad inside of. He tended to stay close of all three of them but stayed slightly behind.

“Alright Nikoshi, pick a place you want to eat.” He did not like this. There was a lot of places to eat. A lot of places he has never been. A lot of food he hasn’t tried. He did not like this choice that was given to him. When Kevin noticed he wasn’t going to answer his question he sat his eyes on Niko. Niko did not like this either. Couldn’t they just pick for him. He shrugged his shoulders. Neil and Andrew weren’t surprised but Kevin seemed irritated with him. He didn’t want to come off as irritating he really didn’t know. “Thats not an answer.” He knew that wasn’t an answer but it was the only one he had. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth and moved his feet side to side nervously.

“Cafe con leech and strawberry pop tarts.” Niko blurted. Kevin was bout to say something else but Neil cut him off pointing to a 7/11 that was right next to them on the left. Kevin didn't like the idea of giving a 10 year old coffee but went with it when Andrew flicked him a look. Neil grabbed the pop-tarts while Niko followed Andrew and Kevin to make the coffee. Andrew asked him how he liked it. “Half filled coffee with two spoons of sugar...No it needs to be even with the spoon. Yes. And the other half almost all milk and the vanilla creamer for taste. Yay!”

This kid is getting excited about Andrew doing his coffee how he likes it, what the hell. This better not be a coffee addiction he is feeding. He handed the coffee to the kid ignore Kevin's little frown. This was the first time he saw the kid smile, besides it wasn’t even that much coffee. The kid probably just likes the taste of it. They went to the register meeting Neil who had the pop tart, fruit bowl, chocolate bar, and a sandwich. Andrew could guess who's was who's.

As they sat in the chairs near where there plain was supposed to be in thirty minutes, Nikoshi swung his legs back and forth as he took off the crust around the pop-tart first. Siping his coffee after two pieces. Then he eat the rest of the pop-tart, took a big gulp and did the same thing with the next pop-tart. Kevin found this behavior odd and familiar. “Why are you eating it like that.” Ovisuly was the wrong ting to say because Nikoshi stopped all movement. He looked at Kevin and shrugged. The shrugging again.

“I don’t like the criss to I eat it first and like the drink the cafe at the same time so I get all the flavors. But I don’t like mixing the strawberry with it so I eat that last and then drink more. My foster mom always gave me Cafe con leche and pop-tarts.” Niko wasn’t in the mood to eat anymore. Now he was thinking about it and he didn't want to. He only had a little bit left and knew he had to finish it or else it would be wasting.

Kevin you are a ass. He watch Nikoshi shove the rest into his mouth and then chew ever so slowly while looking around.

“Nikoshi have you done any sports.” Neil leaned forward to look at Niko from where he sat next to Andrew to get a better look at the kid. Niko looked at Neil and nodded. He told them about being on the soccer team. Kevin made a face to that and Andrew gave a tiny smirk. He explained how he was supposed to be right wing, which is like a midfielder that can play both offense and defense and assist the striker or can shoot in the goal. He was supposed to be a right wring but he coach always switched him around the field. He played striker a lot too. He was the fasts on the time. Neil smiled at that. Kevin thought about how good he would be at sexy with his father and mothers genes and quickly tried to shut the thought down. Nikoshi also explained how he played basketball and baseball for fun with some kids in the area.

Soon it was time to bored the plain.

(So I don't know if Im going to continue writing like this, Ideas pop up randomly so I might just stick to doing that)

This is possibly the last chapter but Im still going to be talking about Niko. Send me asked about him if you want.

#nikoshi #nikoshi doe #nikoshi motherfucking doe #the only valid moriyama #kevin day #andrew minyard #neil josten #all for the game #all for the game fanfic #aftg #aftg fic #tfh

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questionthebox · 4 years

Text

How I really talk.

a few things, I want to make note of,

1. the notion of life or existence being a simulation is meaningless, as the word “simulation” doesn’t mean the intent, of what we all think it means, just google the definition, if life were really a simulation, no rules of “abstract reality/morality” alongside the fact that advanced science should already if this was true be able to understand it, and modify it, the way I put mods in my Skyrim, if life were truly a simulation, there would be by random chance, junk or glitches spread, no computer that I'm aware of, can simply run things this smoothly without glitches or crashes happening at points, if this was really being ran by a computer ? which is never specified when scientists speak of a simulation, they never specify what a simulation is machine wise, is it a super duper computer, or some sort of artificial intelligence, wouldn’t our super computers pick up mathematically if life was a simulation ? I'm just spitballing here, but I'll go back to that, if this was a simulation, why the inherent sense of morality and reality ? because I can mod my Skyrim so that I could kill anyone at will, and no one notices, lastly this notion of simulation, begs the ultimate question of why, perhaps our leading psychologists can answer this, but I don’t see why a “God” or “Gods” would do this to this extent, if we are indicative of the simulations, simulator, then that “God” presumably has the same sense of morality and reality that we do. my true feelings on life and its existence, is that of what the buddha said, of the unknowable questions, if anything, these questions will arise once different advance civs collaborate on them, if they the advance civs actually exist.

2. I feel weird when the notion of experience is thrown around, but somehow I have a lot of it, don’t know why, but I guess I always put myself in the, well actually I do know why, some people chase thrills, I chase narratives, but there’s something ive been encountering, people in my generation that have no experience whatsoever, in particular Sexual, which confuses me, considering how overly sexual things are, I'll be frank here, in that ive heard from many their little pussy ass sob stories, on their “experiences” I'm going to do something controversial here, and blame the victim, you people are just fucking weird, I realized that, it has nothing to do with all these grandiose things, you’re just weirdos, and cowards, who are afraid of life, who won’t grow up, Sex is part of growing up, its not this thing done to you, or that you do onto others, Sex is about the freedom of adulthood, its about looking at oneself as adult, and putting aside the bullshit, that distracts, and because these people have no experience all they have, is friends who are bland, trivial things like, video games, or whatever media these weirdos consume, its almost as if they’ve totally bought into being a passive audience member, that consumes, they are the true definition of a consumer, I'll put it like this, you’re never going to get me to fully put myself into anything that isn’t SEX, like I'm never going to treat College as I would Sex, because College and the people in it, are muted, boring, anal, and that’s it, in repeat, ive personally figured out a way to operate within this system, without it, affecting or defining what I do in life, in life, I chase narratives and people, and experiences, in life, I'll spend a week at a beach, doing drugs, writing a book of poems, you’ll never hear me talk about “BABY YODA” .

all that being said, its still weird to encounter, I'm 28 btw, people who have scarcely had SEX, and who want to have SEX with me, like no I'm not going to have sex with you, because your just a pussy ass spiritual asexual who wants to be a vampire and leech after my spirit, and trust me, there’s many of these people,

which leads me to this, my generation is a true “LOST generation”

from the totality still living with parents, of which I live with my dad, to all the things we are denied, to the unhealthy bullshit we have access to, and its even worse for the generation under us, those kids are dumb little weak pussies, and I mean piss dumb, they only know some fucking ghetto rapper, saying “yeah” over and over again, I fucking hate young people, I hate the attention paid to the young, I hate how they determine culture, just the way of perception, the young are weak, how many times have I told or tried to motivate people to do shit, how many times did I use to tell miss Agnes Varda, im a 29 year old writer woman, stuck writing romance novels, meanwhile I live with a ugly ass boring husband, she should write and make films,

and this is what Jen wants to be “young” ha,

over the past few years, ive found myself in an “entanglement” with a middle aged woman, who wants to be two things, an artist, and a young woman again, and I understand the first desire, and I know she is an artist, but the second one, I find to be utterly deranged, because the young of today offer nothing, who would want to be among them ? which reminds me,

last Semester of college, I was in the gallery, at the desk, surrounded by my classmates, all young people, it was national coming out day, and there was this door, people were taking pictures with, like going through the door to represent “coming out” and they all sort of gathered around me, to discuss, their insular little realities, with one bitch saying she was ASEXUAL, which I have a funny story to tell about her, that girl, was plain, a real plain Jane, and if you know me, you know how warm and nice I am, and so I paid her a compliment one day about her hair, and the next day, she comes all jazzed up, hair long, showing stomach, the whole 9 yards basically, trying to get my attention, and its like bitch you just made a whole thing about being ASEXUAL, and her deal was honest to gods truth, she didn’t want to grow up, the bitch just spoke about anime and cartoons, like yuck... ok then there was the little gerble little rodent looking bitch, who went on this long winded polite thing about being pan sexual, and this person is the definition of those people you meet at college who only care about being some ass kissing do goober who does their work and goes beyond doing the work, they treat it like a lifestyle, I had to listen to that bitch claim she’s “Pansexual” which made me laugh, because your only saying that because your ugly as fuck, and can’t get no dick or pussy if you tried, then the other weak ass followers chimed in their little polite coming out stories, and I'll never forget this, this dude, taps me on my arm, and says “yeah who’s really straight now anyways”

which leads me to this

I AM motherfucker, and yeah ive had queer experiences when I was younger, but that was due to just being experimental and fun, but as a 28 year old man, baby you best believe I love VAGINA, I love DOGGY, but they wouldn’t understand that because they ain’t never had it, or had anything good, honest to gods truth ive had some fire ass women, because im a fire ass nigga, I once made a woman, during a love making session, that started in the early evening, and continued to the next day, cum according to her, like 20 times, NO CAP... and that was just me being completely entranced and let loose, because love making is a feast, ive been lucky and you know what ima speak as a MAN, I was lucky for the first two women I really had, and one in particular, to have had women with absolutely knockout bodies, I mean this woman had d cup breasts, nice hips, ass, long hair, she did modeling originally when she lived with her aunt, I mean god damn nigga, and to just be young and experience that, because it was levels to this shit, it wasn’t just fucking, it was lets give each other a bunch of orgasms, because were genuinely super fucking attracted to each other, it was shit where I would be going on my intellectual rants and she would just start randomly kissing a nigga passionately, I remember the first time she did that I was like WTF, and she was like well I ain’t never heard anyone talk like you before, its passionate, and that was just one woman, in these 10 years, from 2010, til now, do you know how many groovy women ive been lucky to experience life with,

you think I just say shit, you think I write poems about ELLY, I write poems about her, because I know there’s shit her and I will do, that's super far out, from witch pagan shit to all kinds of shit, like niggas don’t have any sense of romance and imagination,

like its like people don’t care to know life as something beautiful in a collective sense,

im a communist because I can see life as that, you get me, all the shit I complain about, is this the shit I see that makes life not worth it, im choosing to stand up at risk of total alienation and people hating me, to say look it can be more then this.

MOTHERFUCKERS...

#poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #my thoughts #prose writing #metaphysical #rant post

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authenticalt · 4 years

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Can I just say that the American Healthcare system sucks ass. Rant about my most recent experience under the cut.

I call the doc to see if they do testing for adhd. They tell me yes, yes they do. "Cool. How would the appointment cost?" $75 they tell me. I tell them to schedule me for an appointment.

Now in the days coming up to the appointment, they call and send messages reminding of the date and wanting me to confirm I can still go. The problem with that is, they message my MOM, whom I was trying to keep this a secret from. This is a major violation of HIPAA. I had previously filled out the paperwork that states that I am the ONLY one they are allowed to message about stuff. So I have to tell them to fix their shit whenever I get there.

Now I get to the office on the day I was scheduled. One thing you should know about me is that I am lowkey terrified of doctors/doctors offices. Couple bad experiences with doctors led to this, and it seems that my fear is only going to worsen from here, based on this last visit.

Anyways, I need to tell them to fix my HIPAA, and I was going to be kinda mean about it. Bc that was a major violation of my privacy, and also the LAW. But seeing as I was at the beginnings of a panic attack, I couldn't really talk the way I needed. But the front office lady brings it up herself. "Well I guess we need to update your HIPAA," she says, dripping with sarcasm as if it's my fault they fucked up their job. That front lady was very rude and completely looked down her nose at me the entire time. I think that will be the extent of my bad experiences for this particular visit.

Then I get call into the actual exam room. Its at this point I'm at full panic. Again, I don't like going to the doctor. Luckily, the nurse was really nice and when she saw how high my heart rate was and I told her why it was so high, she was completely understanding and even related to me a bit bc she gets the same way going to the dentist. So kudos to that lady for being the only good thing to come out of this experience.

Next the doctor comes in. The first thing she says to me is that they DONT do testing for adhd there. So the one thing I came here for, they don't even fucking do it. So the doctor starts talking to me about dif medications for adhd, all stuff I already knew bc I can do a basic fucking Google search. She tells me that I need to monitor my heartrate at home bc "your bpm is 122. That's too high for normal." Yes. I know my heart rate is high. Im in the middle of a fucking panic attack. And, with plenty of stuttering, I tell her as much, and I tell her what triggered it (that is, this entire visit). "Well I'll try not to take offense to that," she says in a super condescending tone. So fuck you bitch.

She refers me out to an actual psychologist who does testing and sends me on my way. (I also looked up this particular psychologist, and she has terrible reviews. I could tell you right away that we would not get along. So I don't even use this useless ass doctors referral.) But anyway, I go to check out, and with insurance, my part is $26. Anoying, but thats American Healthcare for you. They did have to see me for a grand total of 10 mins (/sarcasm). I go home, out $26 and no closer to getting a diagnosis.

Well a couple weeks pass and I get a bill in the mail. Turns out, this $75 visit, turned into a $161 visit. Insurance paid $62, leaving me to pay an additional $71 for a service I did not get. This is fucking bullshit. Why should I pay nearly $100 just for them to lie to me and waste my fucking time. So currently I'm in limbo with the billing department and nursing staff bc I REFUSE to pay for them to lie to me multiple times, just to tell me they can't do jack shit.

Tl;dr: I asked this doctor if they test for adhd, and they lie to me saying yes. I was told the visit would be $75 and that my part after insurance is $26, but they lied AGAIN and the bill was $161. The entire staff (except that 1 nurse) were rude and looked down on me and treated me like I dont know shit.

So im pissed and I don't really know what to do anymore. Just never get sick or try and figure out whats wrong with my body I guess.

#fuck the American healthcare system #this is bullshit #tw rant #personal rant #I never want to see another stuck up doctor agian #they all suck ass #and IM the inconvinience bc I trying to better my health #y'know what they're PAID TO DO

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doodleimprovement · 4 years

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Wellness: A Villian!AU Coco Fic Part 11: Rolling Thunder

Psychologist Malcom Kevgil is called upon by the Riveras to help with Miguels post-mortem development. He quickly learns however that this is moreso a trauma rehabilitation, and an untangling of lies and 90 year old mysteries.

He’s a smart man, but will compassion and an analytical mind win out against Family ties?

Solutions are put forward...

This particular version of the AU has been written and developed by @im-fairly-whitty [Click here to read!]

Rating: Gen (subject to change depending) \ Warnings: None \ Word Count: 1798 (Maybe the longest??) // Masterpost Link

4:34 in the morning was not a fun time to get a phone call. The call would never, ever be good at that hour.

“Mmmh- Kevgil” The doctor grumbled slightly, trying to wake him up

“I’m calling on behalf of the Riveras. Your presence is required” The unknown voice spoke

“... It is 4:30 in the morning.” He commented, sitting up “What is the emergency?”

“Miguel has barricaded himself in his room, and will not speak to anyone”

Malcom paused

“.... Does anyone know why?”

There was a fumbling sound, and a much more familiar voice came through the phone

“He was fine during Dia De Los Muertos, and was quiet but.. okay through most of yesterday, but sometime last night he locked and barricaded his door with his dresser. Hector went to check on him to make sure he’d fallen asleep at around 2 but the boy had already locked himself away” Imelda explained “You are the only person we can think of that might be able to get through to him.”

This was it, Malcom realized. The cliffs edge, the bad part. He started to stand “I will be there soon. Tell him that I am coming, if you can. And tell him to practice our breathing exercises” He instructed

“.... Thank you” Imedla quickly responded.

She’d come a long way, he realized.

“I would not thank me just yet, Senora. Things might get worse before they get better. Hasta Luego” And he hung up, going for his closet.

He didn’t have the luxury of looking professional this time, so he grabbed an old pair of jeans and the sweater he’d died in. The soft fabric hadn’t faded with time - as is the case in the land of the dead so long as you are remembered. The 80s neon and patterns always comforted him when nothing else could.

He’d worn it just last week, telling friends about his frustrations with “a few clients”

Now he’d wear it confronting those clients. What fun.

He made his way quietly through the towering land, not putting much thought into anything - he wanted to get a full picture of the situation before starting down the “find a solution” line of thinking.

He arrived at the Rivera Estate on foot, and when a worker saw him walking through the gates, he was ushered through the wide, empty halls and up a few flights of stairs to a conglomeration of people.

Imedla, Hector, and one of their grand-daughters - Victoria was her name, he was pretty sure

Malcom cut right to the chase

“Any progress?” He asked quietly. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Miguel to know he was here just yet.

Imelda shook her head. “I told him about your breathing exercises, but he has not responded to us at all”

“Then perhaps he is doing them. Can he hear us clearly through the door?” He asked, looking at the small crowd in front of the door, Hector being the standout of the group- staring at the door with a heated anger.

“Raise your voice just a touch and we are certain that you can” Imelda further explained.

“Hm…. and he hasn’t said anything?”

“Not that we have heard” She answered.

Malcom furrowed his brow looking over at the door. “Who got here first?”

“Hector” she answered

Malcom simply nodded, before pausing for a moment

“I’m going to try to talk to him”

Imedla sighed, looking at the door “You told me that we would reach the edge, and refuse to see it coming, Doctor” she rubbed her tired eye sockets “... You were correct”

Malcom didn’t respond, but they shared a brief look before he walked over to the door, raising his voice slightly

“Miguel? Its Doctor Kevgil. Your bisabuela called for me. Are you there?” He waited a moment “You don’t have to speak, but can you knock to let me know you’re listening?”

There was a moment… and then a knock

“.. Okay, you don’t have to talk. But… one knock for yes, two for no. is That okay?”

One knock.

Malcom smiled slightly. “Did you do our breathing exercises?”

Knock

“Did they help?”

Knock

“Good, good…. Do you want to talk?”

There was a long, awkward pause.

A single knock

“.. Okay” Malcom nodded to himself “It’s just going to be me, okay? No one else.” He assured, looking over at Imedla and Hector.

Hector looked less than pleased “Why can you go in?”

“He trusts me” Malcom answered succinctly

Hector puffed out his chest. The indigence in his stance nearly made Malcom cringe, but Imelda luckily pushed him back, gently.

“Amor, let him go… We have to get Miguel out of there”

The clenched fists didn’t relax, but he stood still.

Malcom’s eyes stayed on the couple while he opens the door, just slightly. Just enough. He made brief eye contact with Hector before he walked in.

The room was…. Big. It was big, and empty. There was a bed, a dresser, vanity, and a guitar stand. With the lights off, he couldn’t tell what colors the room was supposed to be, but his initial vision was not promising.

Miguel, for his part, was seated on the bed with his legs crossed, eyes glassy with tears that could technically no longer be shed.

Malcom let his posture relax.

“... Buenas Noches, Miguel”

“... Buenas Noches” His voice was raw “.. Did y’know you can’t cry?”

Malcom exhaled, and sat himself a respectful distance away from Miguel, at the edge of the bed.

“You can cry, Miguel.. You just doesn’t have tears. It doesn’t mean you don’t cry”

“... Doesn’t feel like crying” The boy simply retorted.

Malcom simply nodded “I understand…. Now..” The man turned slightly, putting one leg up on the bed “... Why am I here, Miguel?”

Miguel didn’t initially respond. He clenched and unclenched his fists, twitched a bit, and his eyes looked anywhere but Malcom

“Miguel”

The boy’s eyes snapped back to the doctor

“Please, Miguel. Tell me why I’m here”

“... He’ll never be sorry” Miguel announced

“.. Who will never be sorry?” The man asked, feeling he knew the answer

“... Papa Hector” The boy nearly wheezed “He… he did this to me… and he’ll never be sorry”

Malcom kept his expression even. But he knew where he was.

They were over the cliff.

“... Why will he never be sorry?”

“Because… he thinks what he did was right” Miguel forced out the explanation “Because even if it… hurt me, he thinks it was best for… the families reputation… the legacy is all he cares about”

“.. You think that he doesn’t care about you”

“... I know it”

“How do you know it?”

“... He never means his sorrys” Miguel answered, hoping Malcom knew what he meant.

Fortunately, Malcom did

“That’s very helpful, Miguel. Thank you. But that doesn’t explain why you locked yourself in your room.” He worded carefully,

“..... Angry”

Malcom took a chance, and put his hand on Miguel’s back.

“You’re angry?”

Miguel nodded.

“You’re angry at him”

The boy nodded again.

“.... What do you want to do about that anger?” Malcom asked.

The boy looked up at him, finally

And voiced exactly what he wanted.

About 45 minutes later, he left the room, closing the door right behind him, and turning to the group that had been waiting.

“How was he?” Imelda asked.

“.... He was upset and angry”

“At what?” She asked, Hector looking at her, before looking back at him.

Malcom looked at Hector, and took a breath. “You, mostly”

“.... Me?” The man looked genuinely shocked.

“Yes, you” Malcom responded, perhaps with more aggression than needed, but at this point, this was more than just an appointment, or a patient. “Because you killed him and he knows you don’t feel sorry for it”

The silence that followed that statement felt scarier than anything Hector could have replied with.

“... How do we fix it?”

Malcom felt the need to do a double take, but didn’t “... Excuse me?”

“How do we fix it?” The man aggressed

“... Do you feel sorry?” Malcom responded.

Hector’s shoulder’s straightened, his back taught, trying to appear taller. “... I did what I had to do “

“... But are you sorry that you did it?”

“.... I did what I had to do” Hector pressed

Malcom could finally, finally feel his composure crack, just slightly “You did not answer my question”

“*I did what i had to do”

“But are you sorry!?” Malcom nearly yelled

“No!” Hector nearly screamed back, panting just slightly.

Malcom took a deep breath, with his exhale, he felt his composure return “... Then there is no fixing it.”

Imedla stood in front of Hector, her hand pressing him back “How do we help Miguel, Doctor?” Her tone nearly begging.

“... He wants to leave” Malcom stated. “He’s scared of him”

The tension in Hectors shoulders warned the doctor to tread carefully.. But that seemed like an impossible task.

“Leave…” Imelda looked disheartened “Scared of him?”

“Extremely” Malcom admitted “He needs a place where he isn’t afraid to ask for something as inane as jeans”

Hector pushed Imedla’s hand away from him, reaching forward and getting a fistful of Malcom’s sweater

“You’re lying-!”

“Hector, para!”

“Let go of my shirt, Senor” Malcom exhaled

“You’re lying!” He shouted, shaking the doctor “What do you want with my Grandson!?”

“Hector!” Imelda shouted.

“Why do you immediately assume I have some sort of ulterior motive?”

Hectors hands trembled, readjusting his grip “.. You want to use him”

“For what?”

“To ruin us! You’re all the same!”

“ … Us?”

Malcom could start to feel things slot into place, so far as Hector was concerned.

“... You’re worried the minute he’s out of here, he’ll tell the entirety of the land of the dead what you did… You don’t trust him either”

“It’s you I don’t trust!” Hector countered

“Let me go” Malcom asserted, his voice firmer “Before I studied psychology, I nearly joined the army. I still recall most of my training, and I would hate to use it in such an emotionally charged moment”

Before the eldest Rivera could make the choice to respond, his wife spoke

“Hector… is this true?” Imelda asked, the heaviness of her voice causing Hector to pull away “You don’t trust him? You don’t trust our ninito?”

His lack of an answer - his aversion of her eyes, and his eventual weakened grip on Malcom’s shirt was way too much of a sign.

Malcom took a deep breath. “Is there any family member that doesn’t live in the hacienda? Or a family friend who could take him in?”

Victoria finally stepped forward, her eyes stern, but he could see that she was tired. “.. There is one”

#coco #villian au #hector #imedla #miguel #victoria #fan fiction #fan fic #imfairlywhitty #im-fairly-whitty #antonia writes #antonias ocs #antonias fandoms

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depressionbelikeamanda · 4 years

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Just felt i should start writing cause nobody would understand the way i do. So a letter to my future self.

It’s funny how depression is seeing like something that's just in your mind, no one treats depression like a broken arm, or an injury but ‘’try to think good things’’.

Nice to meet you, my name is Amanda, I’m 22 years old, a brazilian girl currently living in Ireland, working as a caregiver, doing IT, trying to survive my mental condition everyday, trying really hard by the way…

I’m not writing so people can see this, but because i need a place to express myself and not being judge. Maybe not even this, but a place that i can just write everything I’m feeling.

I don’t think most of people can understand what it is to have depression, anxiety or some mental problem, maybe because they are too busy with their lifes, maybe they just dont give a shit, maybe they way they were raised was so though they just don’t want to accept that people can have mental problems, or maybe smth else that i cant think right now. But yeah, everybody has their own reasons to not believe this is a real thing, but what can we do right? Even though there are many people struggling with depression, others mental problems, and studies that proves it’s real and we are not making this up, people still think it’s nothing, it’s just something that we can just turn to happy thoughts, right? If you can’t see the problem it means there is NO problem.

Anyway, I started writing this because I’m literally in the middle of a mental breakdown but (not saying the company i work for) the person who’s in the emergency line of my company doesn’t give a shit for mental health.

Is it fair that I called 2 hours before my shift starts that I was in the middle of a depression crisis?

Is it fair that she needs to find someone to cover me in this short period of time?

But I dont think it’s fair with myself as well that i have to work while I’m crying, feeling I’m gonna faint, vomit, that I’m feeling so weak my stomach is hurting, that I can’t barely breathe (No, it’s not corona cause i did the test and it was negative), that I have to cycle to EACH client even though I’m feeling all these things and I can literally fall from the bike, that I wasn’t taking my depression/anxiety medicines cause I didnt have enough money to pay for my medicines cause i dont even have money to pay my own rent (at least my friend gave me some so i dont have to freak out for some time). Yeah, I’m not working that much since when the pandemic started, used to work 43/45 hours per week and now I’m working just 23. I have my rent, bils, food, medicines, student loan… but as the emergency woman said ‘’you can’t stay without your medicines, it’s not that expensive, around 10 euros.’’, but i paid 36 and yeah, it’s not a lot of money, but for a student who has to pay everything by my own, it’s not working as much as I used to, don’t have money to pay my rent, food, imagine medicines… so, it’s just 36 euros, i’d love if someone could pay my medicines, i’d love if I could get strangers medicines, but I dont even have money to pay my medicines, imagine to pay the doctor AGAIN, and then start paying more for a medicine that right now I dont even have money to pay the ‘’normal’’ one. (Idk if it makes sense in English, cause not my first language, anyway). And I’m here in my client’s house waiting her to finish her conversation with her daughter so i can start working, my shift starts at 17:00 and it’s already 17:26, and i have to make her tea, smth to eat, wash the dishes when she finishes, but yeah, at least i dont have to talk with her cause im feeling so sick, my face is so huge right now cause i couldnt stop crying, I took 3 medicines to get better to finish this day but idk if is helping or making worse cause i wanna vomit so bad that idk whats happening.

Anyway, i finished my client and called my friend so he could help me to sort this out before i go to my next client at 20:00, he was teaching me how to breath so i can calm down, it worked a bit not even thought i was feeling tralking with someone who really knows and the best thing is that shes a psychologist, so I called her, i was crying like hell, explained everything that happened and she said that (not exactly in these words) i need to get help from a psychiatrist cause I’m always gonna have smth going on if i don’t get help, and as she said ‘’Headache, sore throat, depression crisis, that all these things that i have/feel is connected to my mental health…’’. I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed after she said this cause I know that ny mental health is because of my emotions 99% of times, but it’s dont think my sore throat was caused because im feeling sad. Two weeks ago when i felt my throat hurting I was pretty ok, I haven’t stoped with the medication at that time cause i still had it, and I was pretty ok actually, I just reported to the office cause when i got the virus for the first time the first symptoms i had was sore throat, and i dont have this often, like, in over 2 years i just had 3 times, the first time was tonsillitis, the second was because i got the virus, the third was two weeks ago and i still dont know what it was, cause i felt a bit strange so i reported because i thought it might be the virus, cause it was exactly what i felt before, so i did the covid test and it was negative so i know it wasnt the virus, but i didnto go to any doctor because as I said in the beginning of the text i dont have money to pay my rent, my medicines, I DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO SEE WHY MY THROAT IS HURTING, so i still dont know what it was, but i got throat medicines from my friend and then got better, so maybe smth like tonsillitis but not that strong cause tonsillitis feels worse than what i felt, anyway, coming back to 2 weeks ago, i just reported because I was afraid that it could be the virus and my clients were in dangerous, but now that i know how she feels about myself (even though it can be true) I won’t report any other symptom (she works in my company office), not cause im trying to get attention, cause no one is reading this, but myself, but cause i feel that the company doesnt take me serious. Anyway, I just wont report anything anymore, I just hope i don’t get anything that i can spread to my clients cause i do love them, and i care for them more than for myself, cause i dont give a shit if i die because of the virus, or anything, but if if my clients get this because of me id never forgive myself. Anyway, it’s just sad that a friend and a psychologist thinks that cause my emotions i have sore throat and headache and i’m not able to work because of THESE. Normally I’m not able to work for good reasons, I’m always honest with my company, I could totally pretend i felt from my bike so I couldnt work, I could give a really good excuse to not work, but instead i said the truth, cause i couldnt get my medicines cause I’m not working that much so i dont have money to pay anything and i was having an abstinence crisis and I was shaking, feeling vomiting, dizzying… anyway… Unfortunately people can’t understand whats happening with others cause they are not others, and even if we try hard we could never understand, unless we’re going through the same. The only thing we can do is support who we love, even if it doesnt make any sense for us, because for them it does.

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ladyofpurple · 4 years

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here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

#the tmi nobody asked for and will probably never read — you're welcome #Lady of Purple's slice of life #mental illness #medication #adhd #autism #personal

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bluehhj · 5 years

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listen to me — chapter 18

LISTEN TO ME — 0018

listen to me masterlist;

WORDS: 1.7K

Jisung was the first to leave the room when the shrill sound of the bell that marked the beginning of the break reached his ears. At that point he was almost asleep sitting up, because he hated when lazy teachers — as he called any member of staff who traded practical classes for slide shows that no one ever showed enthusiasm — turned out the lights, closed the curtains and still demanded attention of the students when neither they themselves seemed to know what they were talking about. The least they could expect from the class was for at least 90% of it to fall asleep, right? The reason for thinking differently, Jisung would never know.

As Han finished down the last step of the stairs of his building, Han was forced to stop abruptly so as not to hit another person who passed by in an absent-minded manner. His eyes lifted in the next second, and when he saw who it was, it was impossible not to let his almost calm expression be replaced by a scowl.

Kim Seungmin almost turned blue. He wanted to dig a hole in the ground and fall until it disappeared from the face of the Earth, all so that he didn't have to face Jisung and his face of homicide. It was no exaggeration to say that he wanted to cry at that very moment.

"Aren't you going to get out of my way?" Han asked after a few moments, staring into the face of the younger, who hadn't moved either.

Seungmin opened his mouth and closed it again as if he wanted to say something, but lacked the courage. He finally lowered his head and, using the little speed that the thawed part of his brain could send to the rest of his body, left and went somewhere else out of Han's field of vision.

Jisung sighed and told himself he wouldn't let it upset his day; soon, he continued on his way and soon found Hyunjin and Yoorim. The couple discussed children's animations.

"But Hotel Transylvania 3 was the best movie of the year, oppa," Heo kept saying. "Not even Ferdinand can overcome!"

"Ferdinand was one of the worst movies I've ever seen," Hwang countered. "He's cute, but there's nothing too much."

"He's very kind, okay? You don't have the right to say that kind of thing of someone who has such a good heart."

"All right, all right..." Hyunjin surrendered to the fact that he couldn't offend the dammit bull, but he was quick to insist on the subject that triggered the whole discussion. "But Coco remains the best movie ever."

Yoorim shoved her boyfriend, who laughed.

"It's not funny, you idiot! Jisung oppa, tell him he's wrong!"

"I don't even know what the two of you are talking about," Han was sincere in replying, since he was being a mere viewer in that bloody clash.

"There's only one person who can tell the truth about all of this" Hyunjin grew serious again and didn't have to name names, for an exchange of looks was enough for Yoorim to know exactly who the wise mind he was referring to was. They soon made their way toward the dining hall. In the end, it was just another normal day for Jisung.

"Your hair looks beautiful today." Jinah appeared at his side and praised without much pretense.

"Oh, so you mean you remember me now?" Jisung replied with another question, ignoring the girl's last speech.

"I didn't forget you."

"It wasn't what your face said yesterday."

"It was a bad day" one of the corners of Jinah's lips rose in a silent apology. "I thought it was already clear that I wasn't going to leave you alone any time soon."

Jisung looked down at his sneakers and smiled slightly. If someone told him a few days ago that he'd feel so good listening to those words of Jinah — Jinah, the person he most tried to push away from the beginning — he'd probably laugh and say that the same person had overdone drugs.

"What did you have yesterday?" he asked as they entered the cafeteria. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't been a little worried.

"Eventual bad mood" the girl shrugged and sat at one of the first tables which was more isolated from the others. "It happens. It's over."

"Strange."

"Hey, I put up with all your mood swings, you have to put up with mine, too."

"Right" that was a fact that Jisung couldn't even think of disagreeing with. "Aren't you going to eat anything?" he pointed his chin at a diner in the cafeteria.

"Go ahead, I'm not hungry."

The boy wrinkled his nose, "Today's pizza day and I don't like it."

Jinah looked at him as if he had offended some sacred divinity.

"You're joking that you don't like pizza."

"I like it, but not this cheese pizza," Choi's shoulders softened the tension as Jisung cleared things up. "I prefer chicken pizzas."

"It makes me think I know next to nothing about you."

"And what do you want to know?"

"I don't know..." Jinah thought for a moment and shrugged again. "The basics I still don't know."

"Well, I dated for three years and I was engaged for eleven months, but I think we're both tired of this subject." Jisung put his arms around the table and started thinking. Talking about himself to other people wasn't something he was accustomed to. "I have a brother who lives in Malaysia; my parents are divorced and my mother is always traveling to take care of business; I don't like crowded places and when people hide things from me. That's the basics of the basics."

"I also don't like crowded places. Or high places."

"What else?" Jisung was really interested to know about Jinah's life.

"I prefer cats to dogs, I have no siblings, and I collect a history of failed relationships since high school."

"Seriously?" Han raised an eyebrow. "You don't look like someone who suffers for love."

"Everyone suffers or has ever suffered for love" Choi didn't feel at all uncomfortable talking about her old disastrous experiences. Thinking about the past and paralleling the present and the future was a way of seeing how she had evolved in thinking and acting. "I just learned to disguise. I mean, it has times that it doesn't work very well, but it's not always."

"And you're disguising now?"

"I think not."

"You think?" Jisung smirked. "Well, I don't believe it, you can tell me who it is."

Jinah almost smiled too, if it weren't for her tongue pressing her left cheek inside as she pondered. Even though she admitted that she had a little crush on Han, she wasn't yet completely in love with him, nor did she love him. However, she knew that the boy wouldn't settle down until he got a satisfactory answer. She, then, decided to comment on her last unilateral love of the list.

"First of all, I don't think, I'm sure," she was sincere this time, since it had been some time since she had felt nothing for the person in question. "Im Jaebum."

"The one who graduated last year?"

"Yeah."

"Understandable" Jisung remembered how many people had had a crush on the one whose.

"Yeah." Jinah raised her eyebrows quickly, as if to say 'do what'. "Woojin was close to him, which turned out to be a bit of me too. But then there was a party, he kissed me and I fell in love. I later discovered that the girl he liked was with another guy and that he had only done that out of spite," she twisted her lips, thinking how foolish she was to fall so fast in love with people. "It hurt a little, but that was by no means the worst."

"Is there anything worse than that?"

"Oh, yeah!" Jinah laughed, though it wasn't funny at all. "Believe me, you're not the only one who is or think have been really bad."

Jisung stared at his fingers for a moment. He couldn't imagine what Jinah had been forced to go through, but he was afraid it was something more serious than he supposed. Suddenly, he felt a little selfish for having lamented so much about his life — not that his situation with Kwon Chaerin was being easy — and never given the necessary importance to Choi's, who had always been trying to help him. However, as much as he wanted to discover it more deeply, he knew that this wasn't the hour or the place.

"It's a little contradictory to say that to a future psychologist, but you can look for me if you need anything."

Jinah nodded, "I know how to handle the problems of others, but I don't always know how to deal with mine, so, thank you."

Before the boy could change the subject, Hyunjin and Yoorim's voices about the same subject from earlier invaded his ears, now being supplemented by Woojin's voice, which insisted on stating that the two were wrong and that The Boss Baby was the best animation ever created.

"There's one more fact about me," Jisung said, casting a tedious look at the three of them. "I hate animations."

"I think it's cute," Jinah said. "But I still prefer romance movies."

"Why doesn't that make me not even a bit surprised?"

"I can also see a horror movie, okay?" who was Choi trying to fool? She was the first to cover her face with a cushion whenever the soundtrack changed.

"I doubt it." Han folded his arms. "You're too cute to be able to see all that blood."

"Are you doubting me, Han Jisung?" was a rhetorical question. And even though she was aware of the colossal bullshit she was about to do, Jinah dared to throw the words out: "We're going to the movies and I'll prove to you that I'm not afraid of horror movies."

"Saturday, at eight. I already know what the session will be."

"I'm in."

Jisung didn't want to say it aloud, but it was clear that it'd turn into a good old cliche where Jinah would die of fear and it'd be up to him to comfort her. But, in the end, it wasn't as if Han cared.

a/n: let me ask something. you guys must have noticed that jisung is already getting nicer (this doesn't mean that no relapses can occur, but not in the sense that he treats jinah wrong) and i wanted to know if things aren't going too fast. in my point of view it's ok, but i wanted to know yours. constructive criticism doesn't affect me, i even like to receive them to know what i should improve, so help me!! love youu <33

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aesthetic-survivor-of-twd · 5 years

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I'm suuuuuuper shy and quiet like ı dont talk in class like at all ı think its because im reallly insecure i dont like my body my face my everything how would u describe ursellf outgoing? Shy? Do u find urself beautiful (Im asking because u literaly make me feel better than my psychologist with ur answers with these kind of questions)

It's 5am and I just woke up 5mins ago so I deeply apologise if my grammar/spelling is weird in advance.____There is nothing wrong with being shy or quiet. Some people are just naturally that introverted and "to themselves" and some people only feel comfortable being outgoing in certain situations. It's totally normal. It's possible that it might be partially due to you feeling insecure, but I wouldn't view this aspect of yourself as something negative.For what it's worth I can actually relate heavily to your feelings.In High School I was literally the "weird quiet girl that sits at the back of the class alone drawing in the back of her notebook". People used to make me feel uncomfortable a lot of the time and due to being harassed for my quiet nature and naturally suffering social anxiety, I used to have a VERY low case of self esteem.I would always analyse every single thing I did and was hyper aware of how I came across to other people. I used to see myself as very unattractive and it was bad to a point where I didn't like people looking at me. I really didn't like myself.But as I left school and gotten older I began to feel myself changing.It seems like part of my issue was the fact I was surrounded in a toxic environment and felt trapped to not being able tp fully express myself as I didn't feel comfortable around those people around me. I used to view myself from the perception of the judgemental kids in my school and adopted their view of me as my own and my anxiety then magnified it all in my head - making me see myself as harshly as I did as a result.I don't know if this is the same case for you, but this is my experience at least.I think it's normal to have these feelings of doubting yourself at some point in life. But quite often these negative feelings can change once you get rid of the source of it all.For me, I just needed to leave school and be surrounded by people more like me. To grow someplace that didn't already have a set perspective of me that I could shape as my own.When I began actually experiencing "the real world" I started viewing myself as more to how I truly am, and began to gradually act like that person outwardly as well.I'm still discovering myself, but I would say that currently I'm a friendly and outgoing yet introverted person, who is a total weirdo who has learned to embrace my oddities and turn it from something that I once viewed as bad into something I like about myself.Regarding my appearance, I wouldn't say I was particularly beautiful by any means. But I don't see myself as ugly either. I think I'm pretty average.I think my perspective regarding my appearance took a longer process to accept but it literally just vanished when I learned to just stop giving a fuck and was like "you know what - fuck it". Beauty is highly subjective and as I wrote in an older post to someone regarding on how to improve your confidence with your appearance - not everyone views us how we view ourselves.We spend everyday seeing our stupid faces in the mirror and we know every little imperfection about us because we actively look for them each day.But other people don't analyse people to the extent that we analyse ourselves and most of these worries we have are almost never noticed by others.Everyone has imperfections, that's just a fact. If you picked apart every person you saw in the street with the way you do for yourself, you would notice that everyone is flawed.I don't know how old you are, but we all go through these scenarios in life. It's natural.But I promise you that as the years go on you will start to come out of your shell (if that's what you want) and will grow more confident when you are provided that space to actually grow as a person.I've been in your position and I know it's unbearable and that my words are easier said than done.But it will get better for you. And you will see yourself for the beautiful person you truly are.I'm rooting for you~

#Asks

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eyecicles · 5 years

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i'm autistic...i've known for about 6 years now, and i was diagnosed pretty late (17) and in secret. my mom doesnt believe in autism, calls it "all in my head", and she doesnt take the resulting depression and anxiety seriously either. she yells at me for everything i've come to learn has to do with my autism, and claims to have read and researched everything but i know she hasnt (or if she has, its been 1 or 2 unreliable articles) /1

whenever i break and tell her she’s yelling at me for something outside of my control (for example, being uncomfortable with sudden changes in plans or making eye contact) she starts talking about how if i keep saying it to myself i’ll never get better and i should acknowledge the problem and stuff like that. she doesnt want me to go to therapy and if i must, its gonna be someone she picks out and i really dont want to go there

im kinda scared of therapy as it is because ive lived my whole life this way and im worried that i’ll lose bits of my personality if i start to change (even if its for the better) and i dont want to go but i also know that i should, and i also really want an official diagnosis from someone whose opinion actually counts (because mine sure as fuck doesnt) so that my parents could get off my back about these things. im really confused about how to explain shit to them

and how to approach this whole thing because im so tired of having to constantly adapt to every new thing she insists on especially when im not mentally ready for it. she doesnt take my mental health seriously or considers it a priority and then tries to act like she cares (she does care, i know that, but her approach is all wrong) but refuses to take my opinion on it anyway, even tho im clearly the one suffering most. ive even told her (after a long time) that she hurts me but she wont stop

im sorry to dump this all on you but none of my friends have problems like this and my family doesnt believe in MIs because of the stigma around them here, and i dont know who else to ask for advice from. if you could give me anything at all, i’d appreciate it so much

_____________________________________________________________

Hmm, I don’t exactly know what you mean with "diagnosed in secret”. You don’t have access to any papers or anything else you could use as proof?

Asking the people who diagnosed you for something like a certification would be your easiest option, of course. But if that’s, for some reason, not possible, I would advice you to either talk to someone from an autism counselling centre (if that’s a thing where you live) or your doctor. They will help you find out how to get an official diagnosis, because I definitely think that would be your best course of action.

I unfortunately know a lot of parents who treat their autistic child like your mother does. And some of them refuse to accept the truth even when they’re confronted with hard facts and actual evidence, like a professional diagnosis. I think what helped a lot of people is talking about autism in a way that humanises us. Showing them interviews, videos or books by other autistic people in similar situations, with similar struggles, or just talking about as neutral as possible. No method is infallible, sadly, but I found that normalising or talking about the more positive aspects of autism will sometimes change the minds of parents with autistic children. Sometimes only to some degree and very slowly, but it’s still better than nothing, I suppose.

My parents were quick to accept that I’m autistic, but they’re pretty much like your mother when it comes to mental illnesses. It’s a very tricky situation and a topic I’m trying to avoid with them. I personally don’t think that changing the perspectives of one’s parents should be anyone’s main focus though, even if their words still hurt. Self acceptance and getting the help you might need are infinitely more important in the end.

I understand your concerns about therapy, I really do. Almost every autistic person has a comorbid diagnosis (I think it’s about 90%), or several, and getting the right kind of therapy is often unavoidable if we want to get better. But that’s also why it can be important to get an official diagnosis: regular therapy, with someone who doesn’t know a whole lot about autism (because let’s face it: even mental health professionals mostly know jack shit about autism if they didn’t study it) is often times almost completely fruitless. A good therapist won’t try to change your personality and autism symptoms by the way.

I know you said that your mother would want to pick your therapist, but it’s not for her to decide. Especially not when you’ve got the diagnosis, because the psychologists in charge will recommend you therapists that are well-versed in autism and the unique struggles we face. If you have still concerns about your mother, you can and should bring this up with those people as well! They will know how to best handle situations like yours, since it’s sadly not that uncommon.

The first step is usually the hardest. But to me it sounds like you desperately need to change something about your situation - you can see yourself that you won’t convince your mother the way you tried. But a diagnosis and therapy can help you in so many ways you might not even be aware of yet. It’s of course not a magical remedy to all your problems, but I think the fact that you reached out to me already shows that you’re on the right path. You seem to fully realise yourself that it can’t go on like that. Which is great!

So yes, my advice would be to first talk to someone from an Autism Centre of Excellence (or however it’s called where you’re from, it should be easy enough to find online) (you can usually e-mail them as well, if you don't want to call) or a doctor.

Another thing: if you haven’t already, I think it could help to check out the autism community online. There are many people in similar situations, with similar concerns, and just reading about other autistic people’s experiences online helped me a great deal. You can for example check out the #actuallyautistic tag on tumblr, or this blog. If you like, you can of course ask me more questions, of course.

I wish you the best of luck, anon!

#answered ask #anon #not dn

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poetic-beats · 5 years

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Update:

I am now having to compile a list of evidence and issues to give to PALS so they can do an independent investigation of my issues about my treatment by the psychiatrists lodge. I have now seen both psychiatrists who now work there. And had the manager who I still have not been told if he is even a qualified mental health professional or just a managerial role person because he seemed to judge me based on my diagnosis and without reading any of the reports on me or talking to me or bringing me in for assessment again after crisis team referral he seemed to know exactly who i am what my issues are and what i need.

Like no. He also was doing this illegally as when crisis team refers me back to them I LEGALLY get an appointment and reassessment of my needs..

They cant just assume and tell me this is what I am entitled to before i have been assessed.

This psychiatrist I saw yesterday was all about heres your meds now fuck off. He seemed to listen better to my mum at least. However he was not that welcoming and he also got caught in a lie. He kept saying the same rhetoric as the manager that the GP letter I REQUEST to see under the freedom of information of my personal records blah blah act is supposedly my care plan i questioned this then he says oh well DBT and psychologist care is when you get a full care plan I said I DID do DBT i was on the course for some time before i had to quit.

I never was told about a care plan.

Then i say btw right behind you on the wall is a new NHS board outlining specifically care plans and my entitlement to them ITS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

I already know the law and NICE and NHS guidelines and rulings but in case I didnt its literally there in the waiting room we are in behind you.

He then admits finally that I AM NOT in fact receiving a care plan as that is only for certain people they have a limited number of people who are eligible to receive that even though the NHS and ELFT who covers and runs the care for my area his bosses way up basically above manager of meadow lodge have clearly outlined with NHS and NICE guidelines a care plan isnt something you are assessed to receive It is something I should just have...the bloody board behind him my dad took a pic of It had like a thing where it said you say this ‘ xyz’ and then on the other side it had what this means and what the care provider is expected to do in response and it outlines a care plan what it is and what you receive and how it works.

So its like well that makes no mention of you deciding who gets a care plan rather I should have one and in case I dont i should just have to say and ask what the board suggests to ask and you should respond according to the NHS with a care plan discussed with ME and that WE both decide upon crisis plan of action long and short term goals for my recovery and progress and discuss an integrative approach with a FULL CMHT...something yet again they should be offering but dont. As the manager put it im not in crisis enough to warrant this care that is meant to be pretty standard care not for specially in crisis people. And as for crisis well im not sure how much worse i needed to get. other than my GP almost calling an ambulance on me but instead getting me a same day referral to a crisis team who spoke to me til gone 8pm that night until i was stable enough to leave and go home and in the mean time they’d handle a referral back to meadow lodge in which i was told the appointment system should run smooth instead my parents fought tooth and nail to not just get an appointment in which the manager told me exactly what i would be offered before i’d even been for assessment but he had to fight for a fair assessment one which follows NICE guidelines and standard code of practice for re referrals which basically means i should be reassessed as if i am a new patient in the fact that my needs may have changed or new problems have clearly arisen if ive been referred from crisis team.

So I have now exhausted every option I also found out by chance the builder/labourer my dad employs rn also has bipolar and has also had the exact same issue i had with the exact same lady psychiatrist after being transferred to her care when our old psych retired. Only he had a breakdown in their reception she did nothing made him leave and then he was hospitalised only when he saw crisis team I saw he wasnt willing to give them another chance so refused treatment there and went through the slightly longer process of being referred else where although to be honest the process isnt longer because meadow lodge dont follow guidelines and rather than immediately seeing me as early as possibly my parents had to phone up to remind them and bug them to even read over the crisis teams referal to them.

Even though a crisis team referral is equivalent to someone being rushed to A&E you are the priority patient over others not in A&E therefore i shouldnt have had to get my parents to chase them up for an appointment and then fight for a fair assessment. Which tbh i half got and half didnt.

This is v. frustrating but hey at least i now know of 3 other people who were under my old psychs care when he retired were put under the lady psychiatrists care and we have all had issues we have all been discharged around the same time after being transferred to her care. And me and the builder at least that i know of have ended up in crisis teams care for a period of time.

So basically we now have 3 known incidents of this psychiatrist discharging people who have ended up in crisis because of it shortly after discharge showing clearly we werent meant to be discharged nor ready to be and another lady who complained on the NHS site about her and the lodge as a whole since my old psych who ran it retired. SHe had similar complaints i did about treatment and as for the builder my dad works with and employs well she told him hes far too young to have bipolar and have these issues in his life and discharged him saying he has to take care of himself and take self responsibility.

So at this point if i go to PALS with facts about discharging patients before they were safe to be discharged and say well just look i know of me and one other person whose ended back up in severe crisis care shortly after her discharging us this is not a coincidence and there is a third who has also been discharged and complained oh and two years earlier there is another complaint about her also saying to a guy for an assessment with her that he needs to care for himself gave him adhd meds and discharged him on the initial meeting back to GP care. And told him he had to basically buck up and get a job as its what normal people do or everyone has to do even thoguh he said he needed help and treatment so he could function to work. Again it seems to be a pattern that she tells people they have to care for themselves without giving us the toools to learn to self cope and self care.

she is rude. not compassionate. cares more about stigmatising us and accusing us and having very odd beliefs for a psychiatrist given studies have always shown disorders like bipolar type 2 and rapid cycling itself is almost wholly found in those who develop bipolar disorder at young adolescence...so its a whole thing based around developing it young. And here she is telling the builder we know hes too young to have bipolar and problems.

as if she knows his life she basically dismissed his diagnosis tbh...because of his age...even though hes in his 20s mid 20s and its not uncommon for bipolar to take hold in adolescence mine appeared when i was 17/18 so clearly someone in there 20s is not too young to have such a disorder she would know this as she would have studied more in depth than i did the disorder and the studies and science on it.

I am SO mad. i wasted my time yesterday and caused my mental health to be put under immense strain because of how i was treated YET AGAIN by professionals whose duty is to care for me. Now i am back at square one and left having to go through getting a MHA to help me with the PALS complaint process.

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