there needs to be an app for playdates. my hunt for broship has been exhausting, there must be an easier way

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

griddlehark, in bed the kiss

Laios is absolutely that kid at the sleepover who's the only one awake and won't stop asking you if you've ever wondered what human flesh taste like.

Nice night 🌘

Sometimes low quality gifs are simply funnier

Wow, you guys blew me away! 

The response to my last Mario post was so immediate and so overwhelming that I just HAD to give you more!

This time with some hugs, because I committed a crime by not including some brotherly hugs in the last post... and some more angst! Because too many people walked away from that post unscathed! :D

Also I apologize if not being able to read what the brothers are saying is a bit annoying.. I liked the idea that during tender moments or casual conversation, Mario and Luigi speak in Italian with each other. And I didn’t want that aspect to be lost in my work by just writing in English.. (aside from the last one lol-)

But hey I provided some Italian to English translations at least! <:D

1: “Luigi!! I missed you baby brother!”

2: Mario!! It’s so good to see you!

3: “There there... easy does it. Take deep breaths.

4: “I’m right here Luigi, you can do this. Just breathe..

9: Mario! That was stupid! What are you 5??”

" no one will know ~~ ♥♥♥ "

- more like me thinking of Trey going ham if Jade is in a pinch

destiny

guess the bioterrorist

what's on my mind ? going on a date to the arcade with teen!gojo. feeling his soft hand in yours as he drags you along, the patterned carpeted floor beneath your feet as you follow behind him, laughing, "slow down, 'toru, we have all day!" only for it to fall on deaf ears because gojo has always loved the arcade. thinking about the way he challenges you to games he knows you're bad at, his dimples creasing into his cheeks and his eyebrows quirked in satisfaction as he watches you sulk and pout and whine about him being unfair or "cheating" when you inevitably lose. thinking about the way he makes up for teasing you by winning you that plushie you'd been eyeing from the claw machine (even if it took him some frustration and roughly 15 dollars), your mood immediately improved as you follow him around with it in your arms. his arms around your waist and his chin on your shoulder as he whispers, "go, baby!" or, "there y'go," or "attagirl," into your ear as you [try to] focus on a game of your choosing. it's a day for you two, in your own little bubble, just two dumb teenagers in love. the way he smiles? only for you. the way he pouts when you win? only 'cause you look so cute when you beat him, even if you are rubbing it in his face. the way his lashes flutter against his cheeks when he pulls you into a sweet kiss ("your reward for winning," as he put it)? only because it's your lips he's kissing. thinking about the sparkle in his pretty eyes when you win him a keychain as a thanks at the end of it all, and the way you catch the little cat figure dangling from his schoolbag the very next day. ♡

i love when words fit right. seize was always supposed to be that word, and so was jester. tuesday isn't quite right but thursday should be thursday, that's a good word for it. daisy has the perfect shape to it, almost like you're laughing when you say it; and tulip is correct most of the time. while keynote is fun to say, it's super wrong - i think they have to change the label for that one. but fox is spot-on.

most words are just, like, good enough, even if what they are describing is lovely. the night sky is a fine term for it but it isn't perfect the way november is the correct term for that month.

it's not just in english because in spanish the phrase eso si que es is correct, it should be that. sometimes other languages are also better than the english words, like how blue is sloped too far downwards but azul is perfect and hangs in the air like glitter. while butterfly is sweet, i think probably papillion is more correct, although for some butterflies féileacán is much better. year is fine but bliain is better. sometimes multiple languages got it right though, like how jueves and Πέμπτη are also the right names for thursday. maybe we as a species are just really good at naming thursdays.

and if we were really bored and had a moment and a picnic to split we could all sit down for a moment and sort out all the words that exist and find all the perfect words in every language. i would show you that while i like the word tree (it makes you smile to say it), i think arbor is correct. you could teach me from your language what words fit the right way, and that would be very exciting (exciting is not correct, it's just fine).

i think probably this is what was happening at the tower of babel, before the languages all got shifted across the world and smudged by the hand of god. by the way, hand isn't quite right, but i do like that the word god is only 3 letters, and that it is shaped like it is reflecting into itself, and that it kind of makes your mouth move into an echoing chapel when you cluck it. but the word god could also fit really well with a coathanger, and i can't explain that. i think donut has (weirdly) the same shape as a toothbrush, but we really got bagel right and i am really grateful for that.

grateful is close, but not like thunder. hopefully one day i am going to figure out how to shape the way i love my friends into a little ceramic (ceramic is very good, almost perfect) pot and when they hold it they can feel the weight of my care for them. they can put a plant in there. maybe a daisy.

WE ARE LIKE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM IN MAY. RAINDROP ON ME, ON ME.

they are god’s eepiest soldiers im begging please let them ReLaX

please dont say you love me

mmmmothwing and 15??? if no one has asked that yet

baby, though I've closed my eyes i know who you pretend i am i know who you pretend i am

washing machine heart ; mitski